,siddhartha ,an ,indian ,tale by ,herman ,hesse ,contents ,,first ,,part ,,the ,,son ,,of ,,the ,,brahman ,,with ,,the ,,samanas ,,gotama ,,awakening ,,second ,,part ,,kamala ,,with ,,the ,,childlike ,,people ,,sansara ,,by ,,the ,,river ,,the ,,ferryman ,,the ,,son ,,om ,,govinda ,,first ,,part ,to ,romain ,rolland1 my dear friend ,,the ,,son ,,of ,,the ,,brahman ,in the shade of the house1 in the sunshine of the riverbank near the boats1 in the shade of the ,sal-wood forest1 in the shade of the fig tree is where ,siddhartha grew up1 the handsome son of the ,brahman1 the young falcon1 together with his friend ,govinda1 son of a ,brahman4 ,the sun tanned his light shoulders by the banks of the river when bathing1 performing the sacred ablutions1 the sacred offerings4 ,in the mango grove1 shade poured into his black eyes1 when playing as a boy1 when his mother sang1 when the sacred offerings were made1 when his father1 the scholar1 taught him1 when the wise men talked4 ,for a long time1 ,siddhartha had been partaking in the discussions of the wise men1 practising debate with ,govinda1 practising with ,govinda the art of reflection1 the service of meditation4 ,he already knew how to speak the ,om silently1 the word of words1 to speak it silently into himself while inhaling1 to speak it silently out of himself while exhaling1 with all the concentration of his soul1 the forehead surrounded by the glow of the clear-thinking spirit4 ,he already knew to feel ,atman in the depths of his being1 indestructible1 one with the universe4 ,joy leapt in his father's heart for his son who was quick to learn1 thirsty for knowledge2 he saw him growing up to become great wise man and priest1 a prince among the ,brahmans4 ,bliss leapt in his mother's breast when she saw him1 when she saw him walking1 when she saw him sit down and get up1 ,siddhartha1 strong1 handsome1 he who was walking on slender legs1 greeting her with perfect respect4 ,love touched the hearts of the ,brahmans' young daughters when ,siddhartha walked through the lanes of the town with the luminous forehead1 with the eye of a king1 with his slim hips4 ,but more than all the others he was loved by ,govinda1 his friend1 the son of a ,brahman4 ,he loved ,siddhartha's eye and sweet voice1 he loved his walk and the perfect decency of his movements1 he loved everything ,siddhartha did and said and what he loved most was his spirit1 his transcendent1 fiery thoughts1 his ardent will1 his high calling4 ,govinda knew3 he would not become a common ,brahman1 not a lazy official in charge of offerings2 not a greedy merchant with magic spells2 not a vain1 vacuous speaker2 not a mean1 deceitful priest2 and also not a decent1 stupid sheep in the herd of the many4 ,no1 and he1 ,govinda1 as well did not want to become one of those1 not one of those tens of thousands of ,brahmans4 ,he wanted to follow ,siddhartha1 the beloved1 the splendid4 ,and in days to come1 when ,siddhartha would become a god1 when he would join the glorious1 then ,govinda wanted to follow him as his friend1 his companion1 his servant1 his spear-carrier1 his shadow4 ,siddhartha was thus loved by everyone4 ,he was a source of joy for everybody1 he was a delight for them all4 ,but he1 ,siddhartha1 was not a source of joy for himself1 he found no delight in himself4 ,walking the rosy paths of the fig tree garden1 sitting in the bluish shade of the grove of contemplation1 washing his limbs daily in the bath of repentance1 sacrificing in the dim shade of the mango forest1 his gestures of perfect decency1 everyone's love and joy1 he still lacked all joy in his heart4 ,dreams and restless thoughts came into his mind1 flowing from the water of the river1 sparkling from the stars of the night1 melting from the beams of the sun1 dreams came to him and a restlessness of the soul1 fuming from the sacrifices1 breathing forth from the verses of the ,rig-,veda1 being infused into him1 drop by drop1 from the teachings of the old ,brahmans4 ,siddhartha had started to nurse discontent in himself1 he had started to feel that the love of his father and the love of his mother1 and also the love of his friend1 ,govinda1 would not bring him joy for ever and ever1 would not nurse him1 feed him1 satisfy him4 ,he had started to suspect that his venerable father and his other teachers1 that the wise ,brahmans had already revealed to him the most and best of their wisdom1 that they had already filled his expecting vessel with their richness1 and the vessel was not full1 the spirit was not content1 the soul was not calm1 the heart was not satisfied4 ,the ablutions were good1 but they were water1 they did not wash off the sin1 they did not heal the spirit's thirst1 they did not relieve the fear in his heart4 ,the sacrifices and the invocation of the gods were excellent--but was that all8 ,did the sacrifices give a happy fortune8 ,and what about the gods8 ,was it really ,prajapati who had created the world8 ,was it not the ,atman1 ,he1 the only one1 the singular one8 ,were the gods not creations1 created like me and you1 subject to time1 mortal8 ,was it therefore good1 was it right1 was it meaningful and the highest occupation to make offerings to the gods8 ,for whom else were offerings to be made1 who else was to be worshipped but ,him1 the only one1 the ,atman8 ,and where was ,atman to be found1 where did ,he reside1 where did his eternal heart beat1 where else but in one's own self1 in its innermost part1 in its indestructible part1 which everyone had in himself8 ,but where1 where was this self1 this innermost part1 this ultimate part8 ,it was not flesh and bone1 it was neither thought nor consciousness1 thus the wisest ones taught4 ,so1 where1 where was it8 ,to reach this place1 the self1 myself1 the ,atman1 there was another way1 which was worthwhile looking for8 ,alas1 and nobody showed this way1 nobody knew it1 not the father1 and not the teachers and wise men1 not the holy sacrificial songs6 ,they knew everything1 the ,brahmans and their holy books1 they knew everything1 they had taken care of everything and of more than everything1 the creation of the world1 the origin of speech1 of food1 of inhaling1 of exhaling1 the arrangement of the senses1 the acts of the gods1 they knew infinitely much--but was it valuable to know all of this1 not knowing that one and only thing1 the most important thing1 the solely important thing8 ,surely1 many verses of the holy books1 particularly in the ,upanishades of ,samaveda1 spoke of this innermost and ultimate thing1 wonderful verses4 8,your soul is the whole world01 was written there1 and it was written that man in his sleep1 in his deep sleep1 would meet with his innermost part and would reside in the ,atman4 ,marvellous wisdom was in these verses1 all knowledge of the wisest ones had been collected here in magic words1 pure as honey collected by bees4 ,no1 not to be looked down upon was the tremendous amount of enlightenment which lay here collected and preserved by innumerable generations of wise ,brahmans4--,but where were the ,brahmans1 where the priests1 where the wise men or penitents1 who had succeeded in not just knowing this deepest of all knowledge but also to live it8 ,where was the knowledgeable one who wove his spell to bring his familiarity with the ,atman out of the sleep into the state of being awake1 into the life1 into every step of the way1 into word and deed8 ,siddhartha knew many venerable ,brahmans1 chiefly his father1 the pure one1 the scholar1 the most venerable one4 ,his father was to be admired1 quiet and noble were his manners1 pure his life1 wise his words1 delicate and noble thoughts lived behind its brow--but even he1 who knew so much1 did he live in blissfulness1 did he have peace1 was he not also just a searching man1 a thirsty man8 ,did he not1 again and again1 have to drink from holy sources1 as a thirsty man1 from the offerings1 from the books1 from the disputes of the ,brahmans8 ,why did he1 the irreproachable one1 have to wash off sins every day1 strive for a cleansing every day1 over and over every day8 ,was not ,atman in him1 did not the pristine source spring from his heart8 ,it had to be found1 the pristine source in one's own self1 it had to be possessed6 ,everything else was searching1 was a detour1 was getting lost4 ,thus were ,siddhartha's thoughts1 this was his thirst1 this was his suffering4 ,often he spoke to himself from a ,chandogya-,upanishad the words3 8,truly1 the name of the ,brahman is satyam--verily1 he who knows such a thing1 will enter the heavenly world every day40 ,often1 it seemed near1 the heavenly world1 but never he had reached it completely1 never he had quenched the ultimate thirst4 ,and among all the wise and wisest men1 he knew and whose instructions he had received1 among all of them there was no one1 who had reached it completely1 the heavenly world1 who had quenched it completely1 the eternal thirst4 8,govinda10 ,siddhartha spoke to his friend1 8,govinda1 my dear1 come with me under the ,banyan tree1 let's practise meditation40 ,they went to the ,banyan tree1 they sat down1 ,siddhartha right here1 ,govinda twenty paces away4 ,while putting himself down1 ready to speak the ,om1 ,siddhartha repeated murmuring the verse3 ,om is the bow1 the arrow is soul1 ,the ,brahman is the arrow's target1 ,that one should incessantly hit4 ,after the usual time of the exercise in meditation had passed1 ,govinda rose4 ,the evening had come1 it was time to perform the evening's ablution4 ,he called ,siddhartha's name4 ,siddhartha did not answer4 ,siddhartha sat there lost in thought1 his eyes were rigidly focused towards a very distant target1 the tip of his tongue was protruding a little between the teeth1 he seemed not to breathe4 ,thus sat he1 wrapped up in contemplation1 thinking ,om1 his soul sent after the ,brahman as an arrow4 ,once1 ,samanas had travelled through ,siddhartha's town1 ascetics on a pilgrimage1 three skinny1 withered men1 neither old nor young1 with dusty and bloody shoulders1 almost naked1 scorched by the sun1 surrounded by loneliness1 strangers and enemies to the world1 strangers and lank jackals in the realm of humans4 ,behind them blew a hot scent of quiet passion1 of destructive service1 of merciless self-denial4 ,in the evening1 after the hour of contemplation1 ,siddhartha spoke to ,govinda3 8,early tomorrow morning1 my friend1 ,siddhartha will go to the ,samanas4 ,he will become a ,samana40 ,govinda turned pale1 when he heard these words and read the decision in the motionless face of his friend1 unstoppable like the arrow shot from the bow4 ,soon and with the first glance1 ,govinda realized3 ,now it is beginning1 now ,siddhartha is taking his own way1 now his fate is beginning to sprout1 and with his1 my own4 ,and he turned pale like a dry banana-skin4 8,o ,siddhartha10 he exclaimed1 8will your father permit you to do that80 ,siddhartha looked over as if he was just waking up4 ,arrow-fast he read in ,govinda's soul1 read the fear1 read the submission4 8,o ,govinda10 he spoke quietly1 8let's not waste words4 ,tomorrow1 at daybreak ,i will begin the life of the ,samanas4 ,speak no more of it40 ,siddhartha entered the chamber1 where his father was sitting on a mat of bast1 and stepped behind his father and remained standing there1 until his father felt that someone was standing behind him4 ,quoth the ,brahman3 8,is that you1 ,siddhartha8 ,then say what you came to say40 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,with your permission1 my father4 ,i came to tell you that it is my longing to leave your house tomorrow and go to the ascetics4 ,my desire is to become a ,samana4 ,may my father not oppose this40 ,the ,brahman fell silent1 and remained silent for so long that the stars in the small window wandered and changed their relative positions1 'ere the silence was broken4 ,silent and motionless stood the son with his arms folded1 silent and motionless sat the father on the mat1 and the stars traced their paths in the sky4 ,then spoke the father3 8,not proper it is for a ,brahman to speak harsh and angry words4 ,but indignation is in my heart4 ,i wish not to hear this request for a second time from your mouth40 ,slowly1 the ,brahman rose2 ,siddhartha stood silently1 his arms folded4 8,what are you waiting for80 asked the father4 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,you know what40 ,indignant1 the father left the chamber2 indignant1 he went to his bed and lay down4 ,after an hour1 since no sleep had come over his eyes1 the ,brahman stood up1 paced to and fro1 and left the house4 ,through the small window of the chamber he looked back inside1 and there he saw ,siddhartha standing1 his arms folded1 not moving from his spot4 ,pale shimmered his bright robe4 ,with anxiety in his heart1 the father returned to his bed4 ,after another hour1 since no sleep had come over his eyes1 the ,brahman stood up again1 paced to and fro1 walked out of the house and saw that the moon had risen4 ,through the window of the chamber he looked back inside2 there stood ,siddhartha1 not moving from his spot1 his arms folded1 moonlight reflecting from his bare shins4 ,with worry in his heart1 the father went back to bed4 ,and he came back after an hour1 he came back after two hours1 looked through the small window1 saw ,siddhartha standing1 in the moon light1 by the light of the stars1 in the darkness4 ,and he came back hour after hour1 silently1 he looked into the chamber1 saw him standing in the same place1 filled his heart with anger1 filled his heart with unrest1 filled his heart with anguish1 filled it with sadness4 ,and in the night's last hour1 before the day began1 he returned1 stepped into the room1 saw the young man standing there1 who seemed tall and like a stranger to him4 8,siddhartha10 he spoke1 8what are you waiting for80 8,you know what40 8,will you always stand that way and wait1 until it'll becomes morning1 noon1 and evening80 8,i will stand and wait40 8,you will become tired1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will become tired40 8,you will fall asleep1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will not fall asleep40 8,you will die1 ,siddhartha40 8,i will die40 8,and would you rather die1 than obey your father80 8,siddhartha has always obeyed his father40 8,so will you abandon your plan80 8,siddhartha will do what his father will tell him to do40 ,the first light of day shone into the room4 ,the ,brahman saw that ,siddhartha was trembling softly in his knees4 ,in ,siddhartha's face he saw no trembling1 his eyes were fixed on a distant spot4 ,then his father realized that even now ,siddhartha no longer dwelt with him in his home1 that he had already left him4 ,the ,father touched ,siddhartha's shoulder4 8,you will10 he spoke1 8go into the forest and be a ,samana4 ,when you'll have found blissfulness in the forest1 then come back and teach me to be blissful4 ,if you'll find disappointment1 then return and let us once again make offerings to the gods together4 ,go now and kiss your mother1 tell her where you are going to4 ,but for me it is time to go to the river and to perform the first ablution40 ,he took his hand from the shoulder of his son and went outside4 ,siddhartha wavered to the side1 as he tried to walk4 ,he put his limbs back under control1 bowed to his father1 and went to his mother to do as his father had said4 ,as he slowly left on stiff legs in the first light of day the still quiet town1 a shadow rose near the last hut1 who had crouched there1 and joined the pilgrim--,govinda4 8,you have come10 said ,siddhartha and smiled4 8,i have come10 said ,govinda4 ,,with ,,the ,,samanas ,in the evening of this day they caught up with the ascetics1 the skinny ,samanas1 and offered them their companionship and--obedience4 ,they were accepted4 ,siddhartha gave his garments to a poor ,brahman in the street4 ,he wore nothing more than the loincloth and the earth-coloured1 unsown cloak4 ,he ate only once a day1 and never something cooked4 ,he fasted for fifteen days4 ,he fasted for twenty-eight days4 ,the flesh waned from his thighs and cheeks4 ,feverish dreams flickered from his enlarged eyes1 long nails grew slowly on his parched fingers and a dry1 shaggy beard grew on his chin4 ,his glance turned to ice when he encountered women2 his mouth twitched with contempt1 when he walked through a city of nicely dressed people4 ,he saw merchants trading1 princes hunting1 mourners wailing for their dead1 whores offering themselves1 physicians trying to help the sick1 priests determining the most suitable day for seeding1 lovers loving1 mothers nursing their children--and all of this was not worthy of one look from his eye1 it all lied1 it all stank1 it all stank of lies1 it all pretended to be meaningful and joyful and beautiful1 and it all was just concealed putrefaction4 ,the world tasted bitter4 ,life was torture4 ,a goal stood before ,siddhartha1 a single goal3 to become empty1 empty of thirst1 empty of wishing1 empty of dreams1 empty of joy and sorrow4 ,dead to himself1 not to be a self any more1 to find tranquility with an emptied heart1 to be open to miracles in unselfish thoughts1 that was his goal4 ,once all of my self was overcome and had died1 once every desire and every urge was silent in the heart1 then the ultimate part of me had to awake1 the innermost of my being1 which is no longer my self1 the great secret4 ,silently1 ,siddhartha exposed himself to burning rays of the sun directly above1 glowing with pain1 glowing with thirst1 and stood there1 until he neither felt any pain nor thirst any more4 ,silently1 he stood there in the rainy season1 from his hair the water was dripping over freezing shoulders1 over freezing hips and legs1 and the penitent stood there1 until he could not feel the cold in his shoulders and legs any more1 until they were silent1 until they were quiet4 ,silently1 he cowered in the thorny bushes1 blood dripped from the burning skin1 from festering wounds dripped pus1 and ,siddhartha stayed rigidly1 stayed motionless1 until no blood flowed any more1 until nothing stung any more1 until nothing burned any more4 ,siddhartha sat upright and learned to breathe sparingly1 learned to get along with only few breathes1 learned to stop breathing4 ,he learned1 beginning with the breath1 to calm the beat of his heart1 learned to reduce the beats of his heart1 until they were only a few and almost none4 ,instructed by the oldest of the ,samanas1 ,siddhartha practised self-denial1 practised meditation1 according to a new ,samana rules4 ,a heron flew over the bamboo forest--and ,siddhartha accepted the heron into his soul1 flew over forest and mountains1 was a heron1 ate fish1 felt the pangs of a heron's hunger1 spoke the heron's croak1 died a heron's death4 ,a dead jackal was lying on the sandy bank1 and ,siddhartha's soul slipped inside the body1 was the dead jackal1 lay on the banks1 got bloated1 stank1 decayed1 was dismembered by hyaenas1 was skinned by vultures1 turned into a skeleton1 turned to dust1 was blown across the fields4 ,and ,siddhartha's soul returned1 had died1 had decayed1 was scattered as dust1 had tasted the gloomy intoxication of the cycle1 awaited in new thirst like a hunter in the gap1 where he could escape from the cycle1 where the end of the causes1 where an eternity without suffering began4 ,he killed his senses1 he killed his memory1 he slipped out of his self into thousands of other forms1 was an animal1 was carrion1 was stone1 was wood1 was water1 and awoke every time to find his old self again1 sun shone or moon1 was his self again1 turned round in the cycle1 felt thirst1 overcame the thirst1 felt new thirst4 ,siddhartha learned a lot when he was with the ,samanas1 many ways leading away from the self he learned to go4 ,he went the way of self-denial by means of pain1 through voluntarily suffering and overcoming pain1 hunger1 thirst1 tiredness4 ,he went the way of self-denial by means of meditation1 through imagining the mind to be void of all conceptions4 ,these and other ways he learned to go1 a thousand times he left his self1 for hours and days he remained in the non-self4 ,but though the ways led away from the self1 their end nevertheless always led back to the self4 ,though ,siddhartha fled from the self a thousand times1 stayed in nothingness1 stayed in the animal1 in the stone1 the return was inevitable1 inescapable was the hour1 when he found himself back in the sunshine or in the moonlight1 in the shade or in the rain1 and was once again his self and ,siddhartha1 and again felt the agony of the cycle which had been forced upon him4 ,by his side lived ,govinda1 his shadow1 walked the same paths1 undertook the same efforts4 ,they rarely spoke to one another1 than the service and the exercises required4 ,occasionally the two of them went through the villages1 to beg for food for themselves and their teachers4 8,how do you think1 ,govinda10 ,siddhartha spoke one day while begging this way1 8how do you think did we progress8 ,did we reach any goals80 ,govinda answered3 8,we have learned1 and we'll continue learning4 ,you'll be a great ,samana1 ,siddhartha4 ,quickly1 you've learned every exercise1 often the old ,samanas have admired you4 ,one day1 you'll be a holy man1 oh ,siddhartha40 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,i can't help but feel that it is not like this1 my friend4 ,what ,i've learned1 being among the ,samanas1 up to this day1 this1 oh ,govinda1 ,i could have learned more quickly and by simpler means4 ,in every tavern of that part of a town where the whorehouses are1 my friend1 among carters and gamblers ,i could have learned it40 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,siddhartha is putting me on4 ,how could you have learned meditation1 holding your breath1 insensitivity against hunger and pain there among these wretched people80 ,and ,siddhartha said quietly1 as if he was talking to himself3 8,what is meditation8 ,what is leaving one's body8 ,what is fasting8 ,what is holding one's breath8 ,it is fleeing from the self1 it is a short escape of the agony of being a self1 it is a short numbing of the senses against the pain and the pointlessness of life4 ,the same escape1 the same short numbing is what the driver of an ox-cart finds in the inn1 drinking a few bowls of rice-wine or fermented coconut-milk4 ,then he won't feel his self any more1 then he won't feel the pains of life any more1 then he finds a short numbing of the senses4 ,when he falls asleep over his bowl of rice-wine1 he'll find the same what ,siddhartha and ,govinda find when they escape their bodies through long exercises1 staying in the non-self4 ,this is how it is1 oh ,govinda40 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,you say so1 oh friend1 and yet you know that ,siddhartha is no driver of an ox-cart and a ,samana is no drunkard4 ,it's true that a drinker numbs his senses1 it's true that he briefly escapes and rests1 but he'll return from the delusion1 finds everything to be unchanged1 has not become wiser1 has gathered no enlightenment1--has not risen several steps40 ,and ,siddhartha spoke with a smile3 8,i do not know1 ,i've never been a drunkard4 ,but that ,i1 ,siddhartha1 find only a short numbing of the senses in my exercises and meditations and that ,i am just as far removed from wisdom1 from salvation1 as a child in the mother's womb1 this ,i know1 oh ,govinda1 this ,i know40 ,and once again1 another time1 when ,siddhartha left the forest together with ,govinda1 to beg for some food in the village for their brothers and teachers1 ,siddhartha began to speak and said3 8,what now1 oh ,govinda1 might we be on the right path8 ,might we get closer to enlightenment8 ,might we get closer to salvation8 ,or do we perhaps live in a circle--we1 who have thought we were escaping the cycle80 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,we have learned a lot1 ,siddhartha1 there is still much to learn4 ,we are not going around in circles1 we are moving up1 the circle is a spiral1 we have already ascended many a level40 ,siddhartha answered3 8,how old1 would you think1 is our oldest ,samana1 our venerable teacher80 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,our oldest one might be about sixty years of age40 ,and ,siddhartha3 8,he has lived for sixty years and has not reached the nirvana4 ,he'll turn seventy and eighty1 and you and me1 we will grow just as old and will do our exercises1 and will fast1 and will meditate4 ,but we will not reach the nirvana1 he won't and we won't4 ,oh ,govinda1 ,i believe out of all the ,samanas out there1 perhaps not a single one1 not a single one1 will reach the nirvana4 ,we find comfort1 we find numbness1 we learn feats1 to deceive others4 ,but the most important thing1 the path of paths1 we will not find40 8,if you only10 spoke ,govinda1 8wouldn't speak such terrible words1 ,siddhartha6 ,how could it be that among so many learned men1 among so many ,brahmans1 among so many austere and venerable ,samanas1 among so many who are searching1 so many who are eagerly trying1 so many holy men1 no one will find the path of paths80 ,but ,siddhartha said in a voice which contained just as much sadness as mockery1 with a quiet1 a slightly sad1 a slightly mocking voice3 8,soon1 ,govinda1 your friend will leave the path of the ,samanas1 he has walked along your side for so long4 ,i'm suffering of thirst1 oh ,govinda1 and on this long path of a ,samana1 my thirst has remained as strong as ever4 ,i always thirsted for knowledge1 ,i have always been full of questions4 ,i have asked the ,brahmans1 year after year1 and ,i have asked the holy ,vedas1 year after year1 and ,i have asked the devote ,samanas1 year after year4 ,perhaps1 oh ,govinda1 it had been just as well1 had been just as smart and just as profitable1 if ,i had asked the hornbill-bird or the chimpanzee4 ,it took me a long time and am not finished learning this yet1 oh ,govinda3 that there is nothing to be learned6 ,there is indeed no such thing1 so ,i believe1 as what we refer to as #8learning'4 ,there is1 oh my friend1 just one knowledge1 this is everywhere1 this is ,atman1 this is within me and within you and within every creature4 ,and so ,i'm starting to believe that this knowledge has no worser enemy than the desire to know it1 than learning40 ,at this1 ,govinda stopped on the path1 rose his hands1 and spoke3 8,if you1 ,siddhartha1 only would not bother your friend with this kind of talk6 ,truly1 you words stir up fear in my heart4 ,and just consider3 what would become of the sanctity of prayer1 what of the venerability of the ,brahmans' caste1 what of the holiness of the ,samanas1 if it was as you say1 if there was no learning86 ,what1 oh ,siddhartha1 what would then become of all of this what is holy1 what is precious1 what is venerable on earth860 ,and ,govinda mumbled a verse to himself1 a verse from an ,upanishad3 ,he who ponderingly1 of a purified spirit1 loses himself in the meditation of ,atman1 unexpressable by words is his blissfulness of his heart4 ,but ,siddhartha remained silent4 ,he thought about the words which ,govinda had said to him and thought the words through to their end4 ,yes1 he thought1 standing there with his head low1 what would remain of all that which seemed to us to be holy8 ,what remains8 ,what can stand the test8 ,and he shook his head4 ,at one time1 when the two young men had lived among the ,samanas for about three years and had shared their exercises1 some news1 a rumour1 a myth reached them after being retold many times3 ,a man had appeared1 ,gotama by name1 the exalted one1 the ,buddha1 he had overcome the suffering of the world in himself and had halted the cycle of rebirths4 ,he was said to wander through the land1 teaching1 surrounded by disciples1 without possession1 without home1 without a wife1 in the yellow cloak of an ascetic1 but with a cheerful brow1 a man of bliss1 and ,brahmans and princes would bow down before him and would become his students4 ,this myth1 this rumour1 this legend resounded1 its fragrance rose up1 here and there2 in the towns1 the ,brahmans spoke of it and in the forest1 the ,samanas2 again and again1 the name of ,gotama1 the ,buddha reached the ears of the young men1 with good and with bad talk1 with praise and with defamation4 ,it was as if the plague had broken out in a country and news had been spreading around that in one or another place there was a man1 a wise man1 a knowledgeable one1 whose word and breath was enough to heal everyone who had been infected with the pestilence1 and as such news would go through the land and everyone would talk about it1 many would believe1 many would doubt1 but many would get on their way as soon as possible1 to seek the wise man1 the helper1 just like this myth ran through the land1 that fragrant myth of ,gotama1 the ,buddha1 the wise man of the family of ,sakya4 ,he possessed1 so the believers said1 the highest enlightenment1 he remembered his previous lives1 he had reached the nirvana and never returned into the cycle1 was never again submerged in the murky river of physical forms4 ,many wonderful and unbelievable things were reported of him1 he had performed miracles1 had overcome the devil1 had spoken to the gods4 ,but his enemies and disbelievers said1 this ,gotama was a vain seducer1 who spent his days in luxury1 scorned the offerings1 was without learning1 and knew neither exercises nor self-castigation4 ,the myth of ,buddha sounded sweet4 ,the scent of magic flowed from these reports4 ,after all1 the world was sick1 life was hard to bear--and behold1 here a source seemed to spring forth1 here a messenger seemed to call out1 comforting1 mild1 full of noble promises4 ,everywhere where the rumour of ,buddha was heard1 everywhere in the lands of ,india1 the young men listened up1 felt a longing1 felt hope1 and among the ,brahmans' sons of the towns and villages every pilgrim and stranger was welcome1 when he brought news of him1 the exalted one1 the ,sakyamuni4 ,the myth had also reached the ,samanas in the forest1 and also ,siddhartha1 and also ,govinda1 slowly1 drop by drop1 every drop laden with hope1 every drop laden with doubt4 ,they rarely talked about it1 because the oldest one of the ,samanas did not like this myth4 ,he had heard that this alleged ,buddha used to be an ascetic before and had lived in the forest1 but had then turned back to luxury and worldly pleasures1 and he had no high opinion of this ,gotama4 8,oh ,siddhartha10 ,govinda spoke one day to his friend4 8,today1 ,i was in the village1 and a ,brahman invited me into his house1 and in his house1 there was the son of a ,brahman from ,magadha1 who has seen the ,buddha with his own eyes and has heard him teach4 ,verily1 this made my chest ache when ,i breathed1 and thought to myself3 ,if only ,i would too1 if only we both would too1 ,siddhartha and me1 live to see the hour when we will hear the teachings from the mouth of this perfected man6 ,speak1 friend1 wouldn't we want to go there too and listen to the teachings from the ,buddha's mouth80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,always1 oh ,govinda1 ,i had thought1 ,govinda would stay with the ,samanas1 always ,i had believed his goal was to live to be sixty and seventy years of age and to keep on practising those feats and exercises1 which are becoming a ,samana4 ,but behold1 ,i had not known ,govinda well enough1 ,i knew little of his heart4 ,so now you1 my faithful friend1 want to take a new path and go there1 where the ,buddha spreads his teachings40 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,you're mocking me4 ,mock me if you like1 ,siddhartha6 ,but have you not also developed a desire1 an eagerness1 to hear these teachings8 ,and have you not at one time said to me1 you would not walk the path of the ,samanas for much longer80 ,at this1 ,siddhartha laughed in his very own manner1 in which his voice assumed a touch of sadness and a touch of mockery1 and said3 8,well1 ,govinda1 you've spoken well1 you've remembered correctly4 ,if you only remembered the other thing as well1 you've heard from me1 which is that ,i have grown distrustful and tired against teachings and learning1 and that my faith in words1 which are brought to us by teachers1 is small4 ,but let's do it1 my dear1 ,i am willing to listen to these teachings--though in my heart ,i believe that we've already tasted the best fruit of these teachings40 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,your willingness delights my heart4 ,but tell me1 how should this be possible8 ,how should the ,gotama's teachings1 even before we have heard them1 have already revealed their best fruit to us80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,let us eat this fruit and wait for the rest1 oh ,govinda6 ,but this fruit1 which we already now received thanks to the ,gotama1 consisted in him calling us away from the ,samanas6 ,whether he has also other and better things to give us1 oh friend1 let us await with calm hearts40 ,on this very same day1 ,siddhartha informed the oldest one of the ,samanas of his decision1 that he wanted to leave him4 ,he informed the oldest one with all the courtesy and modesty becoming to a younger one and a student4 ,but the ,samana became angry1 because the two young men wanted to leave him1 and talked loudly and used crude swearwords4 ,govinda was startled and became embarrassed4 ,but ,siddhartha put his mouth close to ,govinda's ear and whispered to him3 8,now1 ,i want to show the old man that ,i've learned something from him40 ,positioning himself closely in front of the ,samana1 with a concentrated soul1 he captured the old man's glance with his glances1 deprived him of his power1 made him mute1 took away his free will1 subdued him under his own will1 commanded him1 to do silently1 whatever he demanded him to do4 ,the old man became mute1 his eyes became motionless1 his will was paralysed1 his arms were hanging down2 without power1 he had fallen victim to ,siddhartha's spell4 ,but ,siddhartha's thoughts brought the ,samana under their control1 he had to carry out1 what they commanded4 ,and thus1 the old man made several bows1 performed gestures of blessing1 spoke stammeringly a godly wish for a good journey4 ,and the young men returned the bows with thanks1 returned the wish1 went on their way with salutations4 ,on the way1 ,govinda said3 8,oh ,siddhartha1 you have learned more from the ,samanas than ,i knew4 ,it is hard1 it is very hard to cast a spell on an old ,samana4 ,truly1 if you had stayed there1 you would soon have learned to walk on water40 8,i do not seek to walk on water10 said ,siddhartha4 8,let old ,samanas be content with such feats60 ,,gotama ,in the town of ,savathi1 every child knew the name of the exalted ,buddha1 and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of ,gotama's disciples1 the silently begging ones4 ,near the town was ,gotama's favourite place to stay1 the grove of ,jetavana1 which the rich merchant ,anathapindika1 an obedient worshipper of the exalted one1 had given him and his people for a gift4 ,all tales and answers1 which the two young ascetics had received in their search for ,gotama's abode1 had pointed them towards this area4 ,and arriving at ,savathi1 in the very first house1 before the door of which they stopped to beg1 food has been offered to them1 and they accepted the food1 and ,siddhartha asked the woman1 who handed them the food3 8,we would like to know1 oh charitable one1 where the ,buddha dwells1 the most venerable one1 for we are two ,samanas from the forest and have come1 to see him1 the perfected one1 and to hear the teachings from his mouth40 ,quoth the woman3 8,here1 you have truly come to the right place1 you ,samanas from the forest4 ,you should know1 in ,jetavana1 in the garden of ,anathapindika is where the exalted one dwells4 ,there you pilgrims shall spend the night1 for there is enough space for the innumerable1 who flock here1 to hear the teachings from his mouth40 ,this made ,govinda happy1 and full of joy he exclaimed3 8,well so1 thus we have reached our destination1 and our path has come to an end6 ,but tell us1 oh mother of the pilgrims1 do you know him1 the ,buddha1 have you seen him with your own eyes80 ,quoth the woman3 8,many times ,i have seen him1 the exalted one4 ,on many days1 ,i have seen him1 walking through the alleys in silence1 wearing his yellow cloak1 presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors of the houses1 leaving with a filled dish40 ,delightedly1 ,govinda listened and wanted to ask and hear much more4 ,but ,siddhartha urged him to walk on4 ,they thanked and left and hardly had to ask for directions1 for rather many pilgrims and monks as well from ,gotama's community were on their way to the ,jetavana4 ,and since they reached it at night1 there were constant arrivals1 shouts1 and talk of those who sought shelter and got it4 ,the two ,samanas1 accustomed to life in the forest1 found quickly and without making any noise a place to stay and rested there until the morning4 ,at sunrise1 they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believers and curious people had spent the night here4 ,on all paths of the marvellous grove1 monks walked in yellow robes1 under the trees they sat here and there1 in deep contemplation--or in a conversation about spiritual matters1 the shady gardens looked like a city1 full of people1 bustling like bees4 ,the majority of the monks went out with their alms-dish1 to collect food in town for their lunch1 the only meal of the day4 ,the ,buddha himself1 the enlightened one1 was also in the habit of taking this walk to beg in the morning4 ,siddhartha saw him1 and he instantly recognised him1 as if a god had pointed him out to him4 ,he saw him1 a simple man in a yellow robe1 bearing the alms-dish in his hand1 walking silently4 8,look here60 ,siddhartha said quietly to ,govinda4 8,this one is the ,buddha40 ,attentively1 ,govinda looked at the monk in the yellow robe1 who seemed to be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks4 ,and soon1 ,govinda also realized3 ,this is the one4 ,and they followed him and observed him4 ,the ,buddha went on his way1 modestly and deep in his thoughts1 his calm face was neither happy nor sad1 it seemed to smile quietly and inwardly4 ,with a hidden smile1 quiet1 calm1 somewhat resembling a healthy child1 the ,buddha walked1 wore the robe and placed his feet just as all of his monks did1 according to a precise rule4 ,but his face and his walk1 his quietly lowered glance1 his quietly dangling hand and even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace1 expressed perfection1 did not search1 did not imitate1 breathed softly in an unwhithering calm1 in an unwhithering light1 an untouchable peace4 ,thus ,gotama walked towards the town1 to collect alms1 and the two ,samanas recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm1 by the quietness of his appearance1 in which there was no searching1 no desire1 no imitation1 no effort to be seen1 only light and peace4 8,today1 we'll hear the teachings from his mouth10 said ,govinda4 ,siddhartha did not answer4 ,he felt little curiosity for the teachings1 he did not believe that they would teach him anything new1 but he had1 just as ,govinda had1 heard the contents of this ,buddha's teachings again and again1 though these reports only represented second- or third-hand information4 ,but attentively he looked at ,gotama's head1 his shoulders1 his feet1 his quietly dangling hand1 and it seemed to him as if every joint of every finger of this hand was of these teachings1 spoke of1 breathed of1 exhaled the fragrant of1 glistened of truth4 ,this man1 this ,buddha was truthful down to the gesture of his last finger4 ,this man was holy4 ,never before1 ,siddhartha had venerated a person so much1 never before he had loved a person as much as this one4 ,they both followed the ,buddha until they reached the town and then returned in silence1 for they themselves intended to abstain from on this day4 ,they saw ,gotama returning--what he ate could not even have satisfied a bird's appetite1 and they saw him retiring into the shade of the mango-trees4 ,but in the evening1 when the heat cooled down and everyone in the camp started to bustle about and gathered around1 they heard the ,buddha teaching4 ,they heard his voice1 and it was also perfected1 was of perfect calmness1 was full of peace4 ,gotama taught the teachings of suffering1 of the origin of suffering1 of the way to relieve suffering4 ,calmly and clearly his quiet speech flowed on4 ,suffering was life1 full of suffering was the world1 but salvation from suffering had been found3 salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of the ,buddha4 ,with a soft1 yet firm voice the exalted one spoke1 taught the four main doctrines1 taught the eightfold path1 patiently he went the usual path of the teachings1 of the examples1 of the repetitions1 brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners1 like a light1 like a starry sky4 ,when the ,buddha--night had already fallen--ended his speech1 many a pilgrim stepped forward and asked to be accepted into the community1 sought refuge in the teachings4 ,and ,gotama accepted them by speaking3 8,you have heard the teachings well1 it has come to you well4 ,thus join us and walk in holiness1 to put an end to all suffering40 ,behold1 then ,govinda1 the shy one1 also stepped forward and spoke3 8,i also take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings10 and he asked to be accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted4 ,right afterwards1 when the ,buddha had retired for the night1 ,govinda turned to ,siddhartha and spoke eagerly3 8,siddhartha1 it is not my place to scold you4 ,we have both heard the exalted one1 we have both perceived the teachings4 ,govinda has heard the teachings1 he has taken refuge in it4 ,but you1 my honoured friend1 don't you also want to walk the path of salvation8 ,would you want to hesitate1 do you want to wait any longer80 ,siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep1 when he heard ,govinda's words4 ,for a long time1 he looked into ,govinda's face4 ,then he spoke quietly1 in a voice without mockery3 8,govinda1 my friend1 now you have taken this step1 now you have chosen this path4 ,always1 oh ,govinda1 you've been my friend1 you've always walked one step behind me4 ,often ,i have thought3 ,won't ,govinda for once also take a step by himself1 without me1 out of his own soul8 ,behold1 now you've turned into a man and are choosing your path for yourself4 ,i wish that you would go it up to its end1 oh my friend1 that you shall find salvation60 ,govinda1 not completely understanding it yet1 repeated his question in an impatient tone3 8,speak up1 ,i beg you1 my dear6 ,tell me1 since it could not be any other way1 that you also1 my learned friend1 will take your refuge with the exalted ,buddha60 ,siddhartha placed his hand on ,govinda's shoulder3 8,you failed to hear my good wish for you1 oh ,govinda4 ,i'm repeating it3 ,i wish that you would go this path up to its end1 that you shall find salvation60 ,in this moment1 ,govinda realized that his friend had left him1 and he started to weep4 8,siddhartha60 he exclaimed lamentingly4 ,siddhartha kindly spoke to him3 8,don't forget1 ,govinda1 that you are now one of the ,samanas of the ,buddha6 ,you have renounced your home and your parents1 renounced your birth and possessions1 renounced your free will1 renounced all friendship4 ,this is what the teachings require1 this is what the exalted one wants4 ,this is what you wanted for yourself4 ,tomorrow1 oh ,govinda1 ,i'll leave you40 ,for a long time1 the friends continued walking in the grove2 for a long time1 they lay there and found no sleep4 ,and over and over again1 ,govinda urged his friend1 he should tell him why he would not want to seek refuge in ,gotama's teachings1 what fault he would find in these teachings4 ,but ,siddhartha turned him away every time and said3 8,be content1 ,govinda6 ,very good are the teachings of the exalted one1 how could ,i find a fault in them80 ,very early in the morning1 a follower of ,buddha1 one of his oldest monks1 went through the garden and called all those to him who had as novices taken their refuge in the teachings1 to dress them up in the yellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties of their position4 ,then ,govinda broke loose1 embraced once again his childhood friend and left with the novices4 ,but ,siddhartha walked through the grove1 lost in thought4 ,then he happened to meet ,gotama1 the exalted one1 and when he greeted him with respect and the ,buddha's glance was so full of kindness and calm1 the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one for the permission to talk to him4 ,silently the exalted one nodded his approval4 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,yesterday1 oh exalted one1 ,i had been privileged to hear your wondrous teachings4 ,together with my friend1 ,i had come from afar1 to hear your teachings4 ,and now my friend is going to stay with your people1 he has taken his refuge with you4 ,but ,i will again start on my pilgrimage40 8,as you please10 the venerable one spoke politely4 8,too bold is my speech10 ,siddhartha continued1 8but ,i do not want to leave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts4 ,does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment longer80 ,silently1 the ,buddha nodded his approval4 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,one thing1 oh most venerable one1 ,i have admired in your teachings most of all4 ,everything in your teachings is perfectly clear1 is proven2 you are presenting the world as a perfect chain1 a chain which is never and nowhere broken1 an eternal chain the links of which are causes and effects4 ,never before1 this has been seen so clearly2 never before1 this has been presented so irrefutably2 truly1 the heart of every ,brahman has to beat stronger with love1 once he has seen the world through your teachings perfectly connected1 without gaps1 clear as a crystal1 not depending on chance1 not depending on gods4 ,whether it may be good or bad1 whether living according to it would be suffering or joy1 ,i do not wish to discuss1 possibly this is not essential--but the uniformity of the world1 that everything which happens is connected1 that the great and the small things are all encompassed by the same forces of time1 by the same law of causes1 of coming into being and of dying1 this is what shines brightly out of your exalted teachings1 oh perfected one4 ,but according to your very own teachings1 this unity and necessary sequence of all things is nevertheless broken in one place1 through a small gap1 this world of unity is invaded by something alien1 something new1 something which had not been there before1 and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be proven3 these are your teachings of overcoming the world1 of salvation4 ,but with this small gap1 with this small breach1 the entire eternal and uniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void4 ,please forgive me for expressing this objection40 ,quietly1 ,gotama had listened to him1 unmoved4 ,now he spoke1 the perfected one1 with his kind1 with his polite and clear voice3 8,you've heard the teachings1 oh son of a ,brahman1 and good for you that you've thought about it thus deeply4 ,you've found a gap in it1 an error4 ,you should think about this further4 ,but be warned1 oh seeker of knowledge1 of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words4 ,there is nothing to opinions1 they may be beautiful or ugly1 smart or foolish1 everyone can support them or discard them4 ,but the teachings1 you've heard from me1 are no opinion1 and their goal is not to explain the world to those who seek knowledge4 ,they have a different goal2 their goal is salvation from suffering4 ,this is what ,gotama teaches1 nothing else40 8,i wish that you1 oh exalted one1 would not be angry with me10 said the young man4 8,i have not spoken to you like this to argue with you1 to argue about words4 ,you are truly right1 there is little to opinions4 ,but let me say this one more thing3 ,i have not doubted in you for a single moment4 ,i have not doubted for a single moment that you are ,buddha1 that you have reached the goal1 the highest goal towards which so many thousands of ,brahmans and sons of ,brahmans are on their way4 ,you have found salvation from death4 ,it has come to you in the course of your own search1 on your own path1 through thoughts1 through meditation1 through realizations1 through enlightenment4 ,it has not come to you by means of teachings6 ,and--thus is my thought1 oh exalted one1--nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings6 ,you will not be able to convey and say to anybody1 oh venerable one1 in words and through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment6 ,the teachings of the enlightened ,buddha contain much1 it teaches many to live righteously1 to avoid evil4 ,but there is one thing which these so clear1 these so venerable teachings do not contain3 they do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself1 he alone among hundreds of thousands4 ,this is what ,i have thought and realized1 when ,i have heard the teachings4 ,this is why ,i am continuing my travels--not to seek other1 better teachings1 for ,i know there are none1 but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die4 ,but often1 ,i'll think of this day1 oh exalted one1 and of this hour1 when my eyes beheld a holy man40 ,the ,buddha's eyes quietly looked to the ground2 quietly1 in perfect equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling4 8,i wish10 the venerable one spoke slowly1 8that your thoughts shall not be in error1 that you shall reach the goal6 ,but tell me3 ,have you seen the multitude of my ,samanas1 my many brothers1 who have taken refuge in the teachings8 ,and do you believe1 oh stranger1 oh ,samana1 do you believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachings and to return into the life the world and of desires80 8,far is such a thought from my mind10 exclaimed ,siddhartha4 8,i wish that they shall all stay with the teachings1 that they shall reach their goal6 ,it is not my place to judge another person's life4 ,only for myself1 for myself alone1 ,i must decide1 ,i must chose1 ,i must refuse4 ,salvation from the self is what we ,samanas search for1 oh exalted one4 ,if ,i merely were one of your disciples1 oh venerable one1 ,i'd fear that it might happen to me that only seemingly1 only deceptively my self would be calm and be redeemed1 but that in truth it would live on and grow1 for then ,i had replaced my self with the teachings1 my duty to follow you1 my love for you1 and the community of the monks60 ,with half of a smile1 with an unwavering openness and kindness1 ,gotama looked into the stranger's eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly noticeable gesture4 8,you are wise1 oh ,samana10 the venerable one spoke4 8,you know how to talk wisely1 my friend4 ,be aware of too much wisdom60 ,the ,buddha turned away1 and his glance and half of a smile remained forever etched in ,siddhartha's memory4 ,i have never before seen a person glance and smile1 sit and walk this way1 he thought2 truly1 ,i wish to be able to glance and smile1 sit and walk this way1 too1 thus free1 thus venerable1 thus concealed1 thus open1 thus childlike and mysterious4 ,truly1 only a person who has succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and walk this way4 ,well so1 ,i also will seek to reach the innermost part of my self4 ,i saw a man1 ,siddhartha thought1 a single man1 before whom ,i would have to lower my glance4 ,i do not want to lower my glance before any other1 not before any other4 ,no teachings will entice me any more1 since this man's teachings have not enticed me4 ,i am deprived by the ,buddha1 thought ,siddhartha1 ,i am deprived1 and even more he has given to me4 ,he has deprived me of my friend1 the one who had believed in me and now believes in him1 who had been my shadow and is now ,gotama's shadow4 ,but he has given me ,siddhartha1 myself4 ,,awakening ,when ,siddhartha left the grove1 where the ,buddha1 the perfected one1 stayed behind1 where ,govinda stayed behind1 then he felt that in this grove his past life also stayed behind and parted from him4 ,he pondered about this sensation1 which filled him completely1 as he was slowly walking along4 ,he pondered deeply1 like diving into a deep water he let himself sink down to the ground of the sensation1 down to the place where the causes lie1 because to identify the causes1 so it seemed to him1 is the very essence of thinking1 and by this alone sensations turn into realizations and are not lost1 but become entities and start to emit like rays of light what is inside of them4 ,slowly walking along1 ,siddhartha pondered4 ,he realized that he was no youth any more1 but had turned into a man4 ,he realized that one thing had left him1 as a snake is left by its old skin1 that one thing no longer existed in him1 which had accompanied him throughout his youth and used to be a part of him3 the wish to have teachers and to listen to teachings4 ,he had also left the last teacher who had appeared on his path1 even him1 the highest and wisest teacher1 the most holy one1 ,buddha1 he had left him1 had to part with him1 was not able to accept his teachings4 ,slower1 he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself3 8,but what is this1 what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers1 and what they1 who have taught you much1 were still unable to teach you80 ,and he found3 8,it was the self1 the purpose and essence of which ,i sought to learn4 ,it was the self1 ,i wanted to free myself from1 which ,i sought to overcome4 ,but ,i was not able to overcome it1 could only deceive it1 could only flee from it1 only hide from it4 ,truly1 no thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy1 as this my very own self1 this mystery of me being alive1 of me being one and being separated and isolated from all others1 of me being ,siddhartha6 ,and there is no thing in this world ,i know less about than about me1 about ,siddhartha60 ,having been pondering while slowly walking along1 he now stopped as these thoughts caught hold of him1 and right away another thought sprang forth from these1 a new thought1 which was3 8,that ,i know nothing about myself1 that ,siddhartha has remained thus alien and unknown to me1 stems from one cause1 a single cause3 ,i was afraid of myself1 ,i was fleeing from myself6 ,i searched ,atman1 ,i searched ,brahman1 ,i was willing to dissect my self and peel off all of its layers1 to find the core of all peels in its unknown interior1 the ,atman1 life1 the divine part1 the ultimate part4 ,but ,i have lost myself in the process40 ,siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around1 a smile filled his face and a feeling of awakening from long dreams flowed through him from his head down to his toes4 ,and it was not long before he walked again1 walked quickly like a man who knows what he has got to do4 8,oh10 he thought1 taking a deep breath1 8now ,i would not let ,siddhartha escape from me again6 ,no longer1 ,i want to begin my thoughts and my life with ,atman and with the suffering of the world4 ,i do not want to kill and dissect myself any longer1 to find a secret behind the ruins4 ,neither ,yoga-,veda shall teach me any more1 nor ,atharva-,veda1 nor the ascetics1 nor any kind of teachings4 ,i want to learn from myself1 want to be my student1 want to get to know myself1 the secret of ,siddhartha40 ,he looked around1 as if he was seeing the world for the first time4 ,beautiful was the world1 colourful was the world1 strange and mysterious was the world6 ,here was blue1 here was yellow1 here was green1 the sky and the river flowed1 the forest and the mountains were rigid1 all of it was beautiful1 all of it was mysterious and magical1 and in its midst was he1 ,siddhartha1 the awakening one1 on the path to himself4 ,all of this1 all this yellow and blue1 river and forest1 entered ,siddhartha for the first time through the eyes1 was no longer a spell of ,mara1 was no longer the veil of ,maya1 was no longer a pointless and coincidental diversity of mere appearances1 despicable to the deeply thinking ,brahman1 who scorns diversity1 who seeks unity4 ,blue was blue1 river was river1 and if also in the blue and the river1 in ,siddhartha1 the singular and divine lived hidden1 so it was still that very divinity's way and purpose1 to be here yellow1 here blue1 there sky1 there forest1 and here ,siddhartha4 ,the purpose and the essential properties were not somewhere behind the things1 they were in them1 in everything4 8,how deaf and stupid have ,i been60 he thought1 walking swiftly along4 8,when someone reads a text1 wants to discover its meaning1 he will not scorn the symbols and letters and call them deceptions1 coincidence1 and worthless hull1 but he will read them1 he will study and love them1 letter by letter4 ,but ,i1 who wanted to read the book of the world and the book of my own being1 ,i have1 for the sake of a meaning ,i had anticipated before ,i read1 scorned the symbols and letters1 ,i called the visible world a deception1 called my eyes and my tongue coincidental and worthless forms without substance4 ,no1 this is over1 ,i have awakened1 ,i have indeed awakened and have not been born before this very day40 ,in thinking these thoughts1 ,siddhartha stopped once again1 suddenly1 as if there was a snake lying in front of him on the path4 ,because suddenly1 he had also become aware of this3 ,he1 who was indeed like someone who had just woken up or like a new-born baby1 he had to start his life anew and start again at the very beginning4 ,when he had left in this very morning from the grove ,jetavana1 the grove of that exalted one1 already awakening1 already on the path towards himself1 he had every intention1 regarded as natural and took for granted1 that he1 after years as an ascetic1 would return to his home and his father4 ,but now1 only in this moment1 when he stopped as if a snake was lying on his path1 he also awoke to this realization3 8,but ,i am no longer the one ,i was1 ,i am no ascetic any more1 ,i am not a priest any more1 ,i am no ,brahman any more4 ,whatever should ,i do at home and at my father's place8 ,study8 ,make offerings8 ,practise meditation8 ,but all this is over1 all of this is no longer alongside my path40 ,motionless1 ,siddhartha remained standing there1 and for the time of one moment and breath1 his heart felt cold1 he felt a cold in his chest1 as a small animal1 a bird or a rabbit1 would when seeing how alone he was4 ,for many years1 he had been without home and had felt nothing4 ,now1 he felt it4 ,still1 even in the deepest meditation1 he had been his father's son1 had been a ,brahman1 of a high caste1 a cleric4 ,now1 he was nothing but ,siddhartha1 the awoken one1 nothing else was left4 ,deeply1 he inhaled1 and for a moment1 he felt cold and shivered4 ,nobody was thus alone as he was4 ,there was no nobleman who did not belong to the noblemen1 no worker that did not belong to the workers1 and found refuge with them1 shared their life1 spoke their language4 ,no ,brahman1 who would not be regarded as ,brahmans and lived with them1 no ascetic who would not find his refuge in the caste of the ,samanas1 and even the most forlorn hermit in the forest was not just one and alone1 he was also surrounded by a place he belonged to1 he also belonged to a caste1 in which he was at home4 ,govinda had become a monk1 and a thousand monks were his brothers1 wore the same robe as he1 believed in his faith1 spoke his language4 ,but he1 ,siddhartha1 where did he belong to8 ,with whom would he share his life8 ,whose language would he speak8 ,out of this moment1 when the world melted away all around him1 when he stood alone like a star in the sky1 out of this moment of a cold and despair1 ,siddhartha emerged1 more a self than before1 more firmly concentrated4 ,he felt3 ,this had been the last tremor of the awakening1 the last struggle of this birth4 ,and it was not long until he walked again in long strides1 started to proceed swiftly and impatiently1 heading no longer for home1 no longer to his father1 no longer back4 ,,second ,,part ,dedicated to ,wilhelm ,gundert1 my cousin in ,japan ,,kamala ,siddhartha learned something new on every step of his path1 for the world was transformed1 and his heart was enchanted4 ,he saw the sun rising over the mountains with their forests and setting over the distant beach with its palm-trees4 ,at night1 he saw the stars in the sky in their fixed positions and the crescent of the moon floating like a boat in the blue4 ,he saw trees1 stars1 animals1 clouds1 rainbows1 rocks1 herbs1 flowers1 stream and river1 the glistening dew in the bushes in the morning1 distant high mountains which were blue and pale1 birds sang and bees1 wind silverishly blew through the rice-field4 ,all of this1 a thousand-fold and colourful1 had always been there1 always the sun and the moon had shone1 always rivers had roared and bees had buzzed1 but in former times all of this had been nothing more to ,siddhartha than a fleeting1 deceptive veil before his eyes1 looked upon in distrust1 destined to be penetrated and destroyed by thought1 since it was not the essential existence1 since this essence lay beyond1 on the other side of1 the visible4 ,but now1 his liberated eyes stayed on this side1 he saw and became aware of the visible1 sought to be at home in this world1 did not search for the true essence1 did not aim at a world beyond4 ,beautiful was this world1 looking at it thus1 without searching1 thus simply1 thus childlike4 ,beautiful were the moon and the stars1 beautiful was the stream and the banks1 the forest and the rocks1 the goat and the gold-beetle1 the flower and the butterfly4 ,beautiful and lovely it was1 thus to walk through the world1 thus childlike1 thus awoken1 thus open to what is near1 thus without distrust4 ,differently the sun burnt the head1 differently the shade of the forest cooled him down1 differently the stream and the cistern1 the pumpkin and the banana tasted4 ,short were the days1 short the nights1 every hour sped swiftly away like a sail on the sea1 and under the sail was a ship full of treasures1 full of joy4 ,siddhartha saw a group of apes moving through the high canopy of the forest1 high in the branches1 and heard their savage1 greedy song4 ,siddhartha saw a male sheep following a female one and mating with her4 ,in a lake of reeds1 he saw the pike hungrily hunting for its dinner2 propelling themselves away from it1 in fear1 wiggling and sparkling1 the young fish jumped in droves out of the water2 the scent of strength and passion came forcefully out of the hasty eddies of the water1 which the pike stirred up1 impetuously hunting4 ,all of this had always existed1 and he had not seen it2 he had not been with it4 ,now he was with it1 he was part of it4 ,light and shadow ran through his eyes1 stars and moon ran through his heart4 ,on the way1 ,siddhartha also remembered everything he had experienced in the ,garden ,jetavana1 the teaching he had heard there1 the divine ,buddha1 the farewell from ,govinda1 the conversation with the exalted one4 ,again he remembered his own words1 he had spoken to the exalted one1 every word1 and with astonishment he became aware of the fact that there he had said things which he had not really known yet at this time4 ,what he had said to ,gotama3 his1 the ,buddha's1 treasure and secret was not the teachings1 but the unexpressable and not teachable1 which he had experienced in the hour of his enlightenment--it was nothing but this very thing which he had now gone to experience1 what he now began to experience4 ,now1 he had to experience his self4 ,it is true that he had already known for a long time that his self was ,atman1 in its essence bearing the same eternal characteristics as ,brahman4 ,but never1 he had really found this self1 because he had wanted to capture it in the net of thought4 ,with the body definitely not being the self1 and not the spectacle of the senses1 so it also was not the thought1 not the rational mind1 not the learned wisdom1 not the learned ability to draw conclusions and to develop previous thoughts in to new ones4 ,no1 this world of thought was also still on this side1 and nothing could be achieved by killing the random self of the senses1 if the random self of thoughts and learned knowledge was fattened on the other hand4 ,both1 the thoughts as well as the senses1 were pretty things1 the ultimate meaning was hidden behind both of them1 both had to be listened to1 both had to be played with1 both neither had to be scorned nor overestimated1 from both the secret voices of the innermost truth had to be attentively perceived4 ,he wanted to strive for nothing1 except for what the voice commanded him to strive for1 dwell on nothing1 except where the voice would advise him to do so4 ,why had ,gotama1 at that time1 in the hour of all hours1 sat down under the bo-tree1 where the enlightenment hit him8 ,he had heard a voice1 a voice in his own heart1 which had commanded him to seek rest under this tree1 and he had neither preferred self-castigation1 offerings1 ablutions1 nor prayer1 neither food nor drink1 neither sleep nor dream1 he had obeyed the voice4 ,to obey like this1 not to an external command1 only to the voice1 to be ready like this1 this was good1 this was necessary1 nothing else was necessary4 ,in the night when he slept in the straw hut of a ferryman by the river1 ,siddhartha had a dream3 ,govinda was standing in front of him1 dressed in the yellow robe of an ascetic4 ,sad was how ,govinda looked like1 sadly he asked3 ,why have you forsaken me8 ,at this1 he embraced ,govinda1 wrapped his arms around him1 and as he was pulling him close to his chest and kissed him1 it was not ,govinda any more1 but a woman1 and a full breast popped out of the woman's dress1 at which ,siddhartha lay and drank1 sweetly and strongly tasted the milk from this breast4 ,it tasted of woman and man1 of sun and forest1 of animal and flower1 of every fruit1 of every joyful desire4 ,it intoxicated him and rendered him unconscious4--,when ,siddhartha woke up1 the pale river shimmered through the door of the hut1 and in the forest1 a dark call of an owl resounded deeply and pleasantly4 ,when the day began1 ,siddhartha asked his host1 the ferryman1 to get him across the river4 ,the ferryman got him across the river on his bamboo-raft1 the wide water shimmered reddishly in the light of the morning4 8,this is a beautiful river10 he said to his companion4 8,yes10 said the ferryman1 8a very beautiful river1 ,i love it more than anything4 ,often ,i have listened to it1 often ,i have looked into its eyes1 and always ,i have learned from it4 ,much can be learned from a river40 8,i thank you1 my benefactor10 spoke ,siddhartha1 disembarking on the other side of the river4 8,i have no gift ,i could give you for your hospitality1 my dear1 and also no payment for your work4 ,i am a man without a home1 a son of a ,brahman and a ,samana40 8,i did see it10 spoke the ferryman1 8and ,i haven't expected any payment from you and no gift which would be the custom for guests to bear4 ,you will give me the gift another time40 8,do you think so80 asked ,siddhartha amusedly4 8,surely4 ,this too1 ,i have learned from the river3 everything is coming back6 ,you too1 ,samana1 will come back4 ,now farewell6 ,let your friendship be my reward4 ,commemorate me1 when you'll make offerings to the gods40 ,smiling1 they parted4 ,smiling1 ,siddhartha was happy about the friendship and the kindness of the ferryman4 8,he is like ,govinda10 he thought with a smile1 8all ,i meet on my path are like ,govinda4 ,all are thankful1 though they are the ones who would have a right to receive thanks4 ,all are submissive1 all would like to be friends1 like to obey1 think little4 ,like children are all people40 ,at about noon1 he came through a village4 ,in front of the mud cottages1 children were rolling about in the street1 were playing with pumpkin-seeds and sea-shells1 screamed and wrestled1 but they all timidly fled from the unknown ,samana4 ,in the end of the village1 the path led through a stream1 and by the side of the stream1 a young woman was kneeling and washing clothes4 ,when ,siddhartha greeted her1 she lifted her head and looked up to him with a smile1 so that he saw the white in her eyes glistening4 ,he called out a blessing to her1 as it is the custom among travellers1 and asked how far he still had to go to reach the large city4 ,then she got up and came to him1 beautifully her wet mouth was shimmering in her young face4 ,she exchanged humorous banter with him1 asked whether he had eaten already1 and whether it was true that the ,samanas slept alone in the forest at night and were not allowed to have any women with them4 ,while talking1 she put her left foot on his right one and made a movement as a woman does who would want to initiate that kind of sexual pleasure with a man1 which the textbooks call 8climbing a tree04 ,siddhartha felt his blood heating up1 and since in this moment he had to think of his dream again1 he bend slightly down to the woman and kissed with his lips the brown nipple of her breast4 ,looking up1 he saw her face smiling full of lust and her eyes1 with contracted pupils1 begging with desire4 ,siddhartha also felt desire and felt the source of his sexuality moving2 but since he had never touched a woman before1 he hesitated for a moment1 while his hands were already prepared to reach out for her4 ,and in this moment he heard1 shuddering with awe1 the voice of his innermost self1 and this voice said ,no4 ,then1 all charms disappeared from the young woman's smiling face1 he no longer saw anything else but the damp glance of a female animal in heat4 ,politely1 he petted her cheek1 turned away from her and disappeared away from the disappointed woman with light steps into the bamboo-wood4 ,on this day1 he reached the large city before the evening1 and was happy1 for he felt the need to be among people4 ,for a long time1 he had lived in the forests1 and the straw hut of the ferryman1 in which he had slept that night1 had been the first roof for a long time he had had over his head4 ,before the city1 in a beautifully fenced grove1 the traveller came across a small group of servants1 both male and female1 carrying baskets4 ,in their midst1 carried by four servants in an ornamental sedan-chair1 sat a woman1 the mistress1 on red pillows under a colourful canopy4 ,siddhartha stopped at the entrance to the pleasure-garden and watched the parade1 saw the servants1 the maids1 the baskets1 saw the sedan-chair and saw the lady in it4 ,under black hair1 which made to tower high on her head1 he saw a very fair1 very delicate1 very smart face1 a brightly red mouth1 like a freshly cracked fig1 eyebrows which were well tended and painted in a high arch1 smart and watchful dark eyes1 a clear1 tall neck rising from a green and golden garment1 resting fair hands1 long and thin1 with wide golden bracelets over the wrists4 ,siddhartha saw how beautiful she was1 and his heart rejoiced4 ,he bowed deeply1 when the sedan-chair came closer1 and straightening up again1 he looked at the fair1 charming face1 read for a moment in the smart eyes with the high arcs above1 breathed in a slight fragrant1 he did not know4 ,with a smile1 the beautiful woman nodded for a moment and disappeared into the grove1 and then the servants as well4 ,thus ,i am entering this city1 ,siddhartha thought1 with a charming omen4 ,he instantly felt drawn into the grove1 but he thought about it1 and only now he became aware of how the servants and maids had looked at him at the entrance1 how despicable1 how distrustful1 how rejecting4 ,i am still a ,samana1 he thought1 ,i am still an ascetic and beggar4 ,i must not remain like this1 ,i will not be able to enter the grove like this4 ,and he laughed4 ,the next person who came along this path he asked about the grove and for the name of the woman1 and was told that this was the grove of ,kamala1 the famous courtesan1 and that1 aside from the grove1 she owned a house in the city4 ,then1 he entered the city4 ,now he had a goal4 ,pursuing his goal1 he allowed the city to suck him in1 drifted through the flow of the streets1 stood still on the squares1 rested on the stairs of stone by the river4 ,when the evening came1 he made friends with barber's assistant1 whom he had seen working in the shade of an arch in a building1 whom he found again praying in a temple of ,vishnu1 whom he told about stories of ,vishnu and the ,lakshmi4 ,among the boats by the river1 he slept this night1 and early in the morning1 before the first customers came into his shop1 he had the barber's assistant shave his beard and cut his hair1 comb his hair and anoint it with fine oil4 ,then he went to take his bath in the river4 ,when late in the afternoon1 beautiful ,kamala approached her grove in her sedan-chair1 ,siddhartha was standing at the entrance1 made a bow and received the courtesan's greeting4 ,but that servant who walked at the very end of her train he motioned to him and asked him to inform his mistress that a young ,brahman would wish to talk to her4 ,after a while1 the servant returned1 asked him1 who had been waiting1 to follow him1 conducted him1 who was following him1 without a word into a pavilion1 where ,kamala was lying on a couch1 and left him alone with her4 8,weren't you already standing out there yesterday1 greeting me80 asked ,kamala4 8,it's true that ,i've already seen and greeted you yesterday40 8,but didn't you yesterday wear a beard1 and long hair1 and dust in your hair80 8,you have observed well1 you have seen everything4 ,you have seen ,siddhartha1 the son of a ,brahman1 who has left his home to become a ,samana1 and who has been a ,samana for three years4 ,but now1 ,i have left that path and came into this city1 and the first one ,i met1 even before ,i had entered the city1 was you4 ,to say this1 ,i have come to you1 oh ,kamala6 ,you are the first woman whom ,siddhartha is not addressing with his eyes turned to the ground4 ,never again ,i want to turn my eyes to the ground1 when ,i'm coming across a beautiful woman40 ,kamala smiled and played with her fan of peacocks' feathers4 ,and asked3 8,and only to tell me this1 ,siddhartha has come to me80 8,to tell you this and to thank you for being so beautiful4 ,and if it doesn't displease you1 ,kamala1 ,i would like to ask you to be my friend and teacher1 for ,i know nothing yet of that art which you have mastered in the highest degree40 ,at this1 ,kamala laughed aloud4 8,never before this has happened to me1 my friend1 that a ,samana from the forest came to me and wanted to learn from me6 ,never before this has happened to me1 that a ,samana came to me with long hair and an old1 torn loincloth6 ,many young men come to me1 and there are also sons of ,brahmans among them1 but they come in beautiful clothes1 they come in fine shoes1 they have perfume in their hair and money in their pouches4 ,this is1 oh ,samana1 how the young men are like who come to me40 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,already ,i am starting to learn from you4 ,even yesterday1 ,i was already learning4 ,i have already taken off my beard1 have combed the hair1 have oil in my hair4 ,there is little which is still missing in me1 oh excellent one3 fine clothes1 fine shoes1 money in my pouch4 ,you shall know1 ,siddhartha has set harder goals for himself than such trifles1 and he has reached them4 ,how shouldn't ,i reach that goal1 which ,i have set for myself yesterday3 to be your friend and to learn the joys of love from you6 ,you'll see that ,i'll learn quickly1 ,kamala1 ,i have already learned harder things than what you're supposed to teach me4 ,and now let's get to it3 ,you aren't satisfied with ,siddhartha as he is1 with oil in his hair1 but without clothes1 without shoes1 without money80 ,laughing1 ,kamala exclaimed3 8,no1 my dear1 he doesn't satisfy me yet4 ,clothes are what he must have1 pretty clothes1 and shoes1 pretty shoes1 and lots of money in his pouch1 and gifts for ,kamala4 ,do you know it now1 ,samana from the forest8 ,did you mark my words80 8,yes1 ,i have marked your words10 ,siddhartha exclaimed4 8,how should ,i not mark words which are coming from such a mouth6 ,your mouth is like a freshly cracked fig1 ,kamala4 ,my mouth is red and fresh as well1 it will be a suitable match for yours1 you'll see4--,but tell me1 beautiful ,kamala1 aren't you at all afraid of the ,samana from the forest1 who has come to learn how to make love80 8,whatever for should ,i be afraid of a ,samana1 a stupid ,samana from the forest1 who is coming from the jackals and doesn't even know yet what women are80 8,oh1 he's strong1 the ,samana1 and he isn't afraid of anything4 ,he could force you1 beautiful girl4 ,he could kidnap you4 ,he could hurt you40 8,no1 ,samana1 ,i am not afraid of this4 ,did any ,samana or ,brahman ever fear1 someone might come and grab him and steal his learning1 and his religious devotion1 and his depth of thought8 ,no1 for they are his very own1 and he would only give away from those whatever he is willing to give and to whomever he is willing to give4 ,like this it is1 precisely like this it is also with ,kamala and with the pleasures of love4 ,beautiful and red is ,kamala's mouth1 but just try to kiss it against ,kamala's will1 and you will not obtain a single drop of sweetness from it1 which knows how to give so many sweet things6 ,you are learning easily1 ,siddhartha1 thus you should also learn this3 love can be obtained by begging1 buying1 receiving it as a gift1 finding it in the street1 but it cannot be stolen4 ,in this1 you have come up with the wrong path4 ,no1 it would be a pity1 if a pretty young man like you would want to tackle it in such a wrong manner40 ,siddhartha bowed with a smile4 8,it would be a pity1 ,kamala1 you are so right6 ,it would be such a great pity4 ,no1 ,i shall not lose a single drop of sweetness from your mouth1 nor you from mine6 ,so it is settled3 ,siddhartha will return1 once he'll have what he still lacks3 clothes1 shoes1 money4 ,but speak1 lovely ,kamala1 couldn't you still give me one small advice80 8,an advice8 ,why not8 ,who wouldn't like to give an advice to a poor1 ignorant ,samana1 who is coming from the jackals of the forest80 8,dear ,kamala1 thus advise me where ,i should go to1 that ,i'll find these three things most quickly80 8,friend1 many would like to know this4 ,you must do what you've learned and ask for money1 clothes1 and shoes in return4 ,there is no other way for a poor man to obtain money4 ,what might you be able to do80 8,i can think4 ,i can wait4 ,i can fast40 8,nothing else80 8,nothing4 ,but yes1 ,i can also write poetry4 ,would you like to give me a kiss for a poem80 8,i would like to1 if ,i'll like your poem4 ,what would be its title80 ,siddhartha spoke1 after he had thought about it for a moment1 these verses3 ,into her shady grove stepped the pretty ,kamala1 ,at the grove's entrance stood the brown ,samana4 ,deeply1 seeing the lotus's blossom1 ,bowed that man1 and smiling ,kamala thanked4 ,more lovely1 thought the young man1 than offerings for gods1 ,more lovely is offering to pretty ,kamala4 ,kamala loudly clapped her hands1 so that the golden bracelets clanged4 8,beautiful are your verses1 oh brown ,samana1 and truly1 ,i'm losing nothing when ,i'm giving you a kiss for them40 ,she beckoned him with her eyes1 he tilted his head so that his face touched hers and placed his mouth on that mouth which was like a freshly cracked fig4 ,for a long time1 ,kamala kissed him1 and with a deep astonishment ,siddhartha felt how she taught him1 how wise she was1 how she controlled him1 rejected him1 lured him1 and how after this first one there was to be a long1 a well ordered1 well tested sequence of kisses1 every one different from the others1 he was still to receive4 ,breathing deeply1 he remained standing where he was1 and was in this moment astonished like a child about the cornucopia of knowledge and things worth learning1 which revealed itself before his eyes4 8,very beautiful are your verses10 exclaimed ,kamala1 8if ,i was rich1 ,i would give you pieces of gold for them4 ,but it will be difficult for you to earn thus much money with verses as you need4 ,for you need a lot of money1 if you want to be ,kamala's friend40 8,the way you're able to kiss1 ,kamala60 stammered ,siddhartha4 8,yes1 this ,i am able to do1 therefore ,i do not lack clothes1 shoes1 bracelets1 and all beautiful things4 ,but what will become of you8 ,aren't you able to do anything else but thinking1 fasting1 making poetry80 8,i also know the sacrificial songs10 said ,siddhartha1 8but ,i do not want to sing them any more4 ,i also know magic spells1 but ,i do not want to speak them any more4 ,i have read the scriptures--0 8,stop10 ,kamala interrupted him4 8,you're able to read8 ,and write80 8,certainly1 ,i can do this4 ,many people can do this40 8,most people can't4 ,i also can't do it4 ,it is very good that you're able to read and write1 very good4 ,you will also still find use for the magic spells40 ,in this moment1 a maid came running in and whispered a message into her mistress's ear4 8,there's a visitor for me10 exclaimed ,kamala4 8,hurry and get yourself away1 ,siddhartha1 nobody may see you in here1 remember this6 ,tomorrow1 ,i'll see you again40 ,but to the maid she gave the order to give the pious ,brahman white upper garments4 ,without fully understanding what was happening to him1 ,siddhartha found himself being dragged away by the maid1 brought into a garden-house avoiding the direct path1 being given upper garments as a gift1 led into the bushes1 and urgently admonished to get himself out of the grove as soon as possible without being seen4 ,contently1 he did as he had been told4 ,being accustomed to the forest1 he managed to get out of the grove and over the hedge without making a sound4 ,contently1 he returned to the city1 carrying the rolled up garments under his arm4 ,at the inn1 where travellers stay1 he positioned himself by the door1 without words he asked for food1 without a word he accepted a piece of rice-cake4 ,perhaps as soon as tomorrow1 he thought1 ,i will ask no one for food any more4 ,suddenly1 pride flared up in him4 ,he was no ,samana any more1 it was no longer becoming to him to beg4 ,he gave the rice-cake to a dog and remained without food4 8,simple is the life which people lead in this world here10 thought ,siddhartha4 8,it presents no difficulties4 ,everything was difficult1 toilsome1 and ultimately hopeless1 when ,i was still a ,samana4 ,now1 everything is easy1 easy like that lesson in kissing1 which ,kamala is giving me4 ,i need clothes and money1 nothing else2 these are small1 near goals1 they won't make a person lose any sleep40 ,he had already discovered ,kamala's house in the city long before1 there he turned up the following day4 8,things are working out well10 she called out to him4 8,they are expecting you at ,kamaswami's1 he is the richest merchant of the city4 ,if he'll like you1 he'll accept you into his service4 ,be smart1 brown ,samana4 ,i had others tell him about you4 ,be polite towards him1 he is very powerful4 ,but don't be too modest6 ,i do not want you to become his servant1 you shall become his equal1 or else ,i won't be satisfied with you4 ,kamaswami is starting to get old and lazy4 ,if he'll like you1 he'll entrust you with a lot40 ,siddhartha thanked her and laughed1 and when she found out that he had not eaten anything yesterday and today1 she sent for bread and fruits and treated him to it4 8,you've been lucky10 she said when they parted1 8,i'm opening one door after another for you4 ,how come8 ,do you have a spell80 ,siddhartha said3 8,yesterday1 ,i told you ,i knew how to think1 to wait1 and to fast1 but you thought this was of no use4 ,but it is useful for many things1 ,kamala1 you'll see4 ,you'll see that the stupid ,samanas are learning and able to do many pretty things in the forest1 which the likes of you aren't capable of4 ,the day before yesterday1 ,i was still a shaggy beggar1 as soon as yesterday ,i have kissed ,kamala1 and soon ,i'll be a merchant and have money and all those things you insist upon40 8,well yes10 she admitted4 8,but where would you be without me8 ,what would you be1 if ,kamala wasn't helping you80 8,dear ,kamala10 said ,siddhartha and straightened up to his full height1 8when ,i came to you into your grove1 ,i did the first step4 ,it was my resolution to learn love from this most beautiful woman4 ,from that moment on when ,i had made this resolution1 ,i also knew that ,i would carry it out4 ,i knew that you would help me1 at your first glance at the entrance of the grove ,i already knew it40 8,but what if ,i hadn't been willing80 8,you were willing4 ,look1 ,kamala3 ,when you throw a rock into the water1 it will speed on the fastest course to the bottom of the water4 ,this is how it is when ,siddhartha has a goal1 a resolution4 ,siddhartha does nothing1 he waits1 he thinks1 he fasts1 but he passes through the things of the world like a rock through water1 without doing anything1 without stirring2 he is drawn1 he lets himself fall4 ,his goal attracts him1 because he doesn't let anything enter his soul which might oppose the goal4 ,this is what ,siddhartha has learned among the ,samanas4 ,this is what fools call magic and of which they think it would be effected by means of the daemons4 ,nothing is effected by daemons1 there are no daemons4 ,everyone can perform magic1 everyone can reach his goals1 if he is able to think1 if he is able to wait1 if he is able to fast40 ,kamala listened to him4 ,she loved his voice1 she loved the look from his eyes4 8,perhaps it is so10 she said quietly1 8as you say1 friend4 ,but perhaps it is also like this3 that ,siddhartha is a handsome man1 that his glance pleases the women1 that therefore good fortune is coming towards him40 ,with one kiss1 ,siddhartha bid his farewell4 8,i wish that it should be this way1 my teacher2 that my glance shall please you1 that always good fortune shall come to me out of your direction60 ,,with ,,the ,,childlike ,,people ,siddhartha went to ,kamaswami the merchant1 he was directed into a rich house1 servants led him between precious carpets into a chamber1 where he awaited the master of the house4 ,kamaswami entered1 a swiftly1 smoothly moving man with very gray hair1 with very intelligent1 cautious eyes1 with a greedy mouth4 ,politely1 the host and the guest greeted one another4 8,i have been told10 the merchant began1 8that you were a ,brahman1 a learned man1 but that you seek to be in the service of a merchant4 ,might you have become destitute1 ,brahman1 so that you seek to serve80 8,no10 said ,siddhartha1 8,i have not become destitute and have never been destitute4 ,you should know that ,i'm coming from the ,samanas1 with whom ,i have lived for a long time40 8,if you're coming from the ,samanas1 how could you be anything but destitute8 ,aren't the ,samanas entirely without possessions80 8,i am without possessions10 said ,siddhartha1 8if this is what you mean4 ,surely1 ,i am without possessions4 ,but ,i am so voluntarily1 and therefore ,i am not destitute40 8,but what are you planning to live of1 being without possessions80 8,i haven't thought of this yet1 sir4 ,for more than three years1 ,i have been without possessions1 and have never thought about of what ,i should live40 8,so you've lived of the possessions of others40 8,presumable this is how it is4 ,after all1 a merchant also lives of what other people own40 8,well said4 ,but he wouldn't take anything from another person for nothing2 he would give his merchandise in return40 8,so it seems to be indeed4 ,everyone takes1 everyone gives1 such is life40 8,but if you don't mind me asking3 being without possessions1 what would you like to give80 8,everyone gives what he has4 ,the warrior gives strength1 the merchant gives merchandise1 the teacher teachings1 the farmer rice1 the fisher fish40 8,yes indeed4 ,and what is it now what you've got to give8 ,what is it that you've learned1 what you're able to do80 8,i can think4 ,i can wait4 ,i can fast40 8,that's everything80 8,i believe1 that's everything60 8,and what's the use of that8 ,for example1 the fasting--what is it good for80 8,it is very good1 sir4 ,when a person has nothing to eat1 fasting is the smartest thing he could do4 ,when1 for example1 ,siddhartha hadn't learned to fast1 he would have to accept any kind of service before this day is up1 whether it may be with you or wherever1 because hunger would force him to do so4 ,but like this1 ,siddhartha can wait calmly1 he knows no impatience1 he knows no emergency1 for a long time he can allow hunger to besiege him and can laugh about it4 ,this1 sir1 is what fasting is good for40 8,you're right1 ,samana4 ,wait for a moment40 ,kamaswami left the room and returned with a scroll1 which he handed to his guest while asking3 8,can you read this80 ,siddhartha looked at the scroll1 on which a sales-contract had been written down1 and began to read out its contents4 8,excellent10 said ,kamaswami4 8,and would you write something for me on this piece of paper80 ,he handed him a piece of paper and a pen1 and ,siddhartha wrote and returned the paper4 ,kamaswami read3 8,writing is good1 thinking is better4 ,being smart is good1 being patient is better40 8,it is excellent how you're able to write10 the merchant praised him4 8,many a thing we will still have to discuss with one another4 ,for today1 ,i'm asking you to be my guest and to live in this house40 ,siddhartha thanked and accepted1 and lived in the dealer's house from now on4 ,clothes were brought to him1 and shoes1 and every day1 a servant prepared a bath for him4 ,twice a day1 a plentiful meal was served1 but ,siddhartha only ate once a day1 and ate neither meat nor did he drink wine4 ,kamaswami told him about his trade1 showed him the merchandise and storage-rooms1 showed him calculations4 ,siddhartha got to know many new things1 he heard a lot and spoke little4 ,and thinking of ,kamala's words1 he was never subservient to the merchant1 forced him to treat him as an equal1 yes even more than an equal4 ,kamaswami conducted his business with care and often with passion1 but ,siddhartha looked upon all of this as if it was a game1 the rules of which he tried hard to learn precisely1 but the contents of which did not touch his heart4 ,he was not in ,kamaswami's house for long1 when he already took part in his landlord's business4 ,but daily1 at the hour appointed by her1 he visited beautiful ,kamala1 wearing pretty clothes1 fine shoes1 and soon he brought her gifts as well4 ,much he learned from her red1 smart mouth4 ,much he learned from her tender1 supple hand4 ,him1 who was1 regarding love1 still a boy and had a tendency to plunge blindly and insatiably into lust like into a bottomless pit1 him she taught1 thoroughly starting with the basics1 about that school of thought which teaches that pleasure cannot be taken without giving pleasure1 and that every gesture1 every caress1 every touch1 every look1 every spot of the body1 however small it was1 had its secret1 which would bring happiness to those who know about it and unleash it4 ,she taught him1 that lovers must not part from one another after celebrating love1 without one admiring the other1 without being just as defeated as they have been victorious1 so that none of them should start feeling fed up or bored and get that evil feeling of having abused or having been abused4 ,wonderful hours he spent with the beautiful and smart artist1 became her student1 her lover1 her friend4 ,here with ,kamala was the worth and purpose of his present life1 not with the business of ,kamaswami4 ,the merchant passed duties of writing important letters and contracts on to him and got into the habit of discussing all important affairs with him4 ,he soon saw that ,siddhartha knew little about rice and wool1 shipping and trade1 but that he acted in a fortunate manner1 and that ,siddhartha surpassed him1 the merchant1 in calmness and equanimity1 and in the art of listening and deeply understanding previously unknown people4 8,this ,brahman10 he said to a friend1 8is no proper merchant and will never be one1 there is never any passion in his soul when he conducts our business4 ,but he has that mysterious quality of those people to whom success comes all by itself1 whether this may be a good star of his birth1 magic1 or something he has learned among ,samanas4 ,he always seems to be merely playing with our business-affairs1 they never fully become a part of him1 they never rule over him1 he is never afraid of failure1 he is never upset by a loss40 ,the friend advised the merchant3 8,give him from the business he conducts for you a third of the profits1 but let him also be liable for the same amount of the losses1 when there is a loss4 ,then1 he'll become more zealous40 ,kamaswami followed the advice4 ,but ,siddhartha cared little about this4 ,when he made a profit1 he accepted it with equanimity2 when he made losses1 he laughed and said3 8,well1 look at this1 so this one turned out badly60 ,it seemed indeed1 as if he did not care about the business4 ,at one time1 he travelled to a village to buy a large harvest of rice there4 ,but when he got there1 the rice had already been sold to another merchant4 ,nevertheless1 ,siddhartha stayed for several days in that village1 treated the farmers for a drink1 gave copper-coins to their children1 joined in the celebration of a wedding1 and returned extremely satisfied from his trip4 ,kamaswami held against him that he had not turned back right away1 that he had wasted time and money4 ,siddhartha answered3 8,stop scolding1 dear friend6 ,nothing was ever achieved by scolding4 ,if a loss has occurred1 let me bear that loss4 ,i am very satisfied with this trip4 ,i have gotten to know many kinds of people1 a ,brahman has become my friend1 children have sat on my knees1 farmers have shown me their fields1 nobody knew that ,i was a merchant40 8,that's all very nice10 exclaimed ,kamaswami indignantly1 8but in fact1 you are a merchant after all1 one ought to think6 ,or might you have only travelled for your amusement80 8,surely10 ,siddhartha laughed1 8surely ,i have travelled for my amusement4 ,for what else8 ,i have gotten to know people and places1 ,i have received kindness and trust1 ,i have found friendship4 ,look1 my dear1 if ,i had been ,kamaswami1 ,i would have travelled back1 being annoyed and in a hurry1 as soon as ,i had seen that my purchase had been rendered impossible1 and time and money would indeed have been lost4 ,but like this1 ,i've had a few good days1 ,i've learned1 had joy1 ,i've neither harmed myself nor others by annoyance and hastiness4 ,and if ,i'll ever return there again1 perhaps to buy an upcoming harvest1 or for whatever purpose it might be1 friendly people will receive me in a friendly and happy manner1 and ,i will praise myself for not showing any hurry and displeasure at that time4 ,so1 leave it as it is1 my friend1 and don't harm yourself by scolding6 ,if the day will come1 when you will see3 this ,siddhartha is harming me1 then speak a word and ,siddhartha will go on his own path4 ,but until then1 let's be satisfied with one another40 ,futile were also the merchant's attempts1 to convince ,siddhartha that he should eat his bread4 ,siddhartha ate his own bread1 or rather they both ate other people's bread1 all people's bread4 ,siddhartha never listened to ,kamaswami's worries and ,kamaswami had many worries4 ,whether there was a business-deal going on which was in danger of failing1 or whether a shipment of merchandise seemed to have been lost1 or a debtor seemed to be unable to pay1 ,kamaswami could never convince his partner that it would be useful to utter a few words of worry or anger1 to have wrinkles on the forehead1 to sleep badly4 ,when1 one day1 ,kamaswami held against him that he had learned everything he knew from him1 he replied3 8,would you please not kid me with such jokes6 ,what ,i've learned from you is how much a basket of fish costs and how much interest may be charged on loaned money4 ,these are your areas of expertise4 ,i haven't learned to think from you1 my dear ,kamaswami1 you ought to be the one seeking to learn from me40 ,indeed his soul was not with the trade4 ,the business was good enough to provide him with the money for ,kamala1 and it earned him much more than he needed4 ,besides from this1 ,siddhartha's interest and curiosity was only concerned with the people1 whose businesses1 crafts1 worries1 pleasures1 and acts of foolishness used to be as alien and distant to him as the moon4 ,however easily he succeeded in talking to all of them1 in living with all of them1 in learning from all of them1 he was still aware that there was something which separated him from them and this separating factor was him being a ,samana4 ,he saw mankind going through life in a childlike or animallike manner1 which he loved and also despised at the same time4 ,he saw them toiling1 saw them suffering1 and becoming gray for the sake of things which seemed to him entirely unworthy of this price1 for money1 for little pleasures1 for being slightly honoured1 he saw them scolding and insulting each other1 he saw them complaining about pain at which a ,samana would only smile1 and suffering because of deprivations which a ,samana would not feel4 ,he was open to everything these people brought his way4 ,welcome was the merchant who offered him linen for sale1 welcome was the debtor who sought another loan1 welcome was the beggar who told him for one hour the story of his poverty and who was not half as poor as any given ,samana4 ,he did not treat the rich foreign merchant any different than the servant who shaved him and the street-vendor whom he let cheat him out of some small change when buying bananas4 ,when ,kamaswami came to him1 to complain about his worries or to reproach him concerning his business1 he listened curiously and happily1 was puzzled by him1 tried to understand him1 consented that he was a little bit right1 only as much as he considered indispensable1 and turned away from him1 towards the next person who would ask for him4 ,and there were many who came to him1 many to do business with him1 many to cheat him1 many to draw some secret out of him1 many to appeal to his sympathy1 many to get his advice4 ,he gave advice1 he pitied1 he made gifts1 he let them cheat him a bit1 and this entire game and the passion with which all people played this game occupied his thoughts just as much as the gods and ,brahmans used to occupy them4 ,at times he felt1 deep in his chest1 a dying1 quiet voice1 which admonished him quietly1 lamented quietly2 he hardly perceived it4 ,and then1 for an hour1 he became aware of the strange life he was leading1 of him doing lots of things which were only a game1 of1 though being happy and feeling joy at times1 real life still passing him by and not touching him4 ,as a ball-player plays with his balls1 he played with his business-deals1 with the people around him1 watched them1 found amusement in them2 with his heart1 with the source of his being1 he was not with them4 ,the source ran somewhere1 far away from him1 ran and ran invisibly1 had nothing to do with his life any more4 ,and at several times he suddenly became scared on account of such thoughts and wished that he would also be gifted with the ability to participate in all of these childlike-naive occupations of the daytime with passion and with his heart1 really to live1 really to act1 really to enjoy and to live instead of just standing by as a spectator4 ,but again and again1 he came back to beautiful ,kamala1 learned the art of love1 practised the cult of lust1 in which more than in anything else giving and taking becomes one1 chatted with her1 learned from her1 gave her advice1 received advice4 ,she understood him better than ,govinda used to understand him1 she was more similar to him4 ,once1 he said to her3 8,you are like me1 you are different from most people4 ,you are ,kamala1 nothing else1 and inside of you1 there is a peace and refuge1 to which you can go at every hour of the day and be at home at yourself1 as ,i can also do4 ,few people have this1 and yet all could have it40 8,not all people are smart10 said ,kamala4 8,no10 said ,siddhartha1 8that's not the reason why4 ,kamaswami is just as smart as ,i1 and still has no refuge in himself4 ,others have it1 who are small children with respect to their mind4 ,most people1 ,kamala1 are like a falling leaf1 which is blown and is turning around through the air1 and wavers1 and tumbles to the ground4 ,but others1 a few1 are like stars1 they go on a fixed course1 no wind reaches them1 in themselves they have their law and their course4 ,among all the learned men and ,samanas1 of which ,i knew many1 there was one of this kind1 a perfected one1 ,i'll never be able to forget him4 ,it is that ,gotama1 the exalted one1 who is spreading those teachings4 ,thousands of followers are listening to his teachings every day1 follow his instructions every hour1 but they are all falling leaves1 not in themselves they have teachings and a law40 ,kamala looked at him with a smile4 8,again1 you're talking about him10 she said1 8again1 you're having a ,samana's thoughts40 ,siddhartha said nothing1 and they played the game of love1 one of the thirty or forty different games ,kamala knew4 ,her body was flexible like that of a jaguar and like the bow of a hunter2 he who had learned from her how to make love1 was knowledgeable of many forms of lust1 many secrets4 ,for a long time1 she played with ,siddhartha1 enticed him1 rejected him1 forced him1 embraced him3 enjoyed his masterful skills1 until he was defeated and rested exhausted by her side4 ,the courtesan bent over him1 took a long look at his face1 at his eyes1 which had grown tired4 8,you are the best lover10 she said thoughtfully1 8,i ever saw4 ,you're stronger than others1 more supple1 more willing4 ,you've learned my art well1 ,siddhartha4 ,at some time1 when ,i'll be older1 ,i'd want to bear your child4 ,and yet1 my dear1 you've remained a ,samana1 and yet you do not love me1 you love nobody4 ,isn't it so80 8,it might very well be so10 ,siddhartha said tiredly4 8,i am like you4 ,you also do not love--how else could you practise love as a craft8 ,perhaps1 people of our kind can't love4 ,the childlike people can2 that's their secret40 ,,sansara ,for a long time1 ,siddhartha had lived the life of the world and of lust1 though without being a part of it4 ,his senses1 which he had killed off in hot years as a ,samana1 had awoken again1 he had tasted riches1 had tasted lust1 had tasted power2 nevertheless he had still remained in his heart for a long time a ,samana2 ,kamala1 being smart1 had realized this quite right4 ,it was still the art of thinking1 of waiting1 of fasting1 which guided his life2 still the people of the world1 the childlike people1 had remained alien to him as he was alien to them4 ,years passed by2 surrounded by the good life1 ,siddhartha hardly felt them fading away4 ,he had become rich1 for quite a while he possessed a house of his own and his own servants1 and a garden before the city by the river4 ,the people liked him1 they came to him1 whenever they needed money or advice1 but there was nobody close to him1 except ,kamala4 ,that high1 bright state of being awake1 which he had experienced that one time at the height of his youth1 in those days after ,gotama's sermon1 after the separation from ,govinda1 that tense expectation1 that proud state of standing alone without teachings and without teachers1 that supple willingness to listen to the divine voice in his own heart1 had slowly become a memory1 had been fleeting2 distant and quiet1 the holy source murmured1 which used to be near1 which used to murmur within himself4 ,nevertheless1 many things he had learned from the ,samanas1 he had learned from ,gotama1 he had learned from his father the ,brahman1 had remained within him for a long time afterwards3 moderate living1 joy of thinking1 hours of meditation1 secret knowledge of the self1 of his eternal entity1 which is neither body nor consciousness4 ,many a part of this he still had1 but one part after another had been submerged and had gathered dust4 ,just as a potter's wheel1 once it has been set in motion1 will keep on turning for a long time and only slowly lose its vigour and come to a stop1 thus ,siddhartha's soul had kept on turning the wheel of asceticism1 the wheel of thinking1 the wheel of differentiation for a long time1 still turning1 but it turned slowly and hesitantly and was close to coming to a standstill4 ,slowly1 like humidity entering the dying stem of a tree1 filling it slowly and making it rot1 the world and sloth had entered ,siddhartha's soul1 slowly it filled his soul1 made it heavy1 made it tired1 put it to sleep4 ,on the other hand1 his senses had become alive1 there was much they had learned1 much they had experienced4 ,siddhartha had learned to trade1 to use his power over people1 to enjoy himself with a woman1 he had learned to wear beautiful clothes1 to give orders to servants1 to bathe in perfumed waters4 ,he had learned to eat tenderly and carefully prepared food1 even fish1 even meat and poultry1 spices and sweets1 and to drink wine1 which causes sloth and forgetfulness4 ,he had learned to play with dice and on a chess-board1 to watch dancing girls1 to have himself carried about in a sedan-chair1 to sleep on a soft bed4 ,but still he had felt different from and superior to the others2 always he had watched them with some mockery1 some mocking disdain1 with the same disdain which a ,samana constantly feels for the people of the world4 ,when ,kamaswami was ailing1 when he was annoyed1 when he felt insulted1 when he was vexed by his worries as a merchant1 ,siddhartha had always watched it with mockery4 ,just slowly and imperceptibly1 as the harvest seasons and rainy seasons passed by1 his mockery had become more tired1 his superiority had become more quiet4 ,just slowly1 among his growing riches1 ,siddhartha had assumed something of the childlike people's ways for himself1 something of their childlikeness and of their fearfulness4 ,and yet1 he envied them1 envied them just the more1 the more similar he became to them4 ,he envied them for the one thing that was missing from him and that they had1 the importance they were able to attach to their lives1 the amount of passion in their joys and fears1 the fearful but sweet happiness of being constantly in love4 ,these people were all of the time in love with themselves1 with women1 with their children1 with honours or money1 with plans or hopes4 ,but he did not learn this from them1 this out of all things1 this joy of a child and this foolishness of a child2 he learned from them out of all things the unpleasant ones1 which he himself despised4 ,it happened more and more often that1 in the morning after having had company the night before1 he stayed in bed for a long time1 felt unable to think and tired4 ,it happened that he became angry and impatient1 when ,kamaswami bored him with his worries4 ,it happened that he laughed just too loud when he lost a game of dice4 ,his face was still smarter and more spiritual than others1 but it rarely laughed1 and assumed1 one after another1 those features which are so often found in the faces of rich people1 those features of discontent1 of sickliness1 of ill-humour1 of sloth1 of a lack of love4 ,slowly the disease of the soul1 which rich people have1 grabbed hold of him4 ,like a veil1 like a thin mist1 tiredness came over ,siddhartha1 slowly1 getting a bit denser every day1 a bit murkier every month1 a bit heavier every year4 ,as a new dress becomes old in time1 loses its beautiful colour in time1 gets stains1 gets wrinkles1 gets worn off at the seams1 and starts to show threadbare spots here and there1 thus ,siddhartha's new life1 which he had started after his separation from ,govinda1 had grown old1 lost colour and splendour as the years passed by1 was gathering wrinkles and stains1 and hidden at bottom1 already showing its ugliness here and there1 disappointment and disgust were waiting4 ,siddhartha did not notice it4 ,he only noticed that this bright and reliable voice inside of him1 which had awoken in him at that time and had ever guided him in his best times1 had become silent4 ,he had been captured by the world1 by lust1 covetousness1 sloth1 and finally also by that vice which he had used to despise and mock the most as the most foolish one of all vices3 greed4 ,property1 possessions1 and riches also had finally captured him2 they were no longer a game and trifles to him1 had become a shackle and a burden4 ,in a strange and devious way1 ,siddhartha had gotten into this final and most base of all dependencies1 by means of the game of dice4 ,it was since that time1 when he had stopped being a ,samana in his heart1 that ,siddhartha began to play the game for money and precious things1 which he at other times only joined with a smile and casually as a custom of the childlike people1 with an increasing rage and passion4 ,he was a feared gambler1 few dared to take him on1 so high and audacious were his stakes4 ,he played the game due to a pain of his heart1 losing and wasting his wretched money in the game brought him an angry joy1 in no other way he could demonstrate his disdain for wealth1 the merchants' false god1 more clearly and more mockingly4 ,thus he gambled with high stakes and mercilessly1 hating himself1 mocking himself1 won thousands1 threw away thousands1 lost money1 lost jewelry1 lost a house in the country1 won again1 lost again4 ,that fear1 that terrible and petrifying fear1 which he felt while he was rolling the dice1 while he was worried about losing high stakes1 that fear he loved and sought to always renew it1 always increase it1 always get it to a slightly higher level1 for in this feeling alone he still felt something like happiness1 something like an intoxication1 something like an elevated form of life in the midst of his saturated1 lukewarm1 dull life4 ,and after each big loss1 his mind was set on new riches1 pursued the trade more zealously1 forced his debtors more strictly to pay1 because he wanted to continue gambling1 he wanted to continue squandering1 continue demonstrating his disdain of wealth4 ,siddhartha lost his calmness when losses occurred1 lost his patience when he was not paid on time1 lost his kindness towards beggars1 lost his disposition for giving away and loaning money to those who petitioned him4 ,he1 who gambled away tens of thousands at one roll of the dice and laughed at it1 became more strict and more petty in his business1 occasionally dreaming at night about money6 ,and whenever he woke up from this ugly spell1 whenever he found his face in the mirror at the bedroom's wall to have aged and become more ugly1 whenever embarrassment and disgust came over him1 he continued fleeing1 fleeing into a new game1 fleeing into a numbing of his mind brought on by sex1 by wine1 and from there he fled back into the urge to pile up and obtain possessions4 ,in this pointless cycle he ran1 growing tired1 growing old1 growing ill4 ,then the time came when a dream warned him4 ,he had spent the hours of the evening with ,kamala1 in her beautiful pleasure-garden4 ,they had been sitting under the trees1 talking1 and ,kamala had said thoughtful words1 words behind which a sadness and tiredness lay hidden4 ,she had asked him to tell her about ,gotama1 and could not hear enough of him1 how clear his eyes1 how still and beautiful his mouth1 how kind his smile1 how peaceful his walk had been4 ,for a long time1 he had to tell her about the exalted ,buddha1 and ,kamala had sighed and had said3 8,one day1 perhaps soon1 ,i'll also follow that ,buddha4 ,i'll give him my pleasure-garden for a gift and take my refuge in his teachings40 ,but after this1 she had aroused him1 and had tied him to her in the act of making love with painful fervour1 biting and in tears1 as if1 once more1 she wanted to squeeze the last sweet drop out of this vain1 fleeting pleasure4 ,never before1 it had become so strangely clear to ,siddhartha1 how closely lust was akin to death4 ,then he had lain by her side1 and ,kamala's face had been close to him1 and under her eyes and next to the corners of her mouth he had1 as clearly as never before1 read a fearful inscription1 an inscription of small lines1 of slight grooves1 an inscription reminiscent of autumn and old age1 just as ,siddhartha himself1 who was only in his forties1 had already noticed1 here and there1 gray hairs among his black ones4 ,tiredness was written on ,kamala's beautiful face1 tiredness from walking a long path1 which has no happy destination1 tiredness and the beginning of withering1 and concealed1 still unsaid1 perhaps not even conscious anxiety3 fear of old age1 fear of the autumn1 fear of having to die4 ,with a sigh1 he had bid his farewell to her1 the soul full of reluctance1 and full of concealed anxiety4 ,then1 ,siddhartha had spent the night in his house with dancing girls and wine1 had acted as if he was superior to them1 towards the fellow-members of his caste1 though this was no longer true1 had drunk much wine and gone to bed a long time after midnight1 being tired and yet excited1 close to weeping and despair1 and had for a long time sought to sleep in vain1 his heart full of misery which he thought he could not bear any longer1 full of a disgust which he felt penetrating his entire body like the lukewarm1 repulsive taste of the wine1 the just too sweet1 dull music1 the just too soft smile of the dancing girls1 the just too sweet scent of their hair and breasts4 ,but more than by anything else1 he was disgusted by himself1 by his perfumed hair1 by the smell of wine from his mouth1 by the flabby tiredness and listlessness of his skin4 ,like when someone1 who has eaten and drunk far too much1 vomits it back up again with agonising pain and is nevertheless glad about the relief1 thus this sleepless man wished to free himself of these pleasures1 these habits and all of this pointless life and himself1 in an immense burst of disgust4 ,not until the light of the morning and the beginning of the first activities in the street before his city-house1 he had slightly fallen asleep1 had found for a few moments a half unconsciousness1 a hint of sleep4 ,in those moments1 he had a dream3 ,kamala owned a small1 rare singing bird in a golden cage4 ,of this bird1 he dreamt4 ,he dreamt3 this bird had become mute1 who at other times always used to sing in the morning1 and since this arose his attention1 he stepped in front of the cage and looked inside2 there the small bird was dead and lay stiff on the ground4 ,he took it out1 weighed it for a moment in his hand1 and then threw it away1 out in the street1 and in the same moment1 he felt terribly shocked1 and his heart hurt1 as if he had thrown away from himself all value and everything good by throwing out this dead bird4 ,starting up from this dream1 he felt encompassed by a deep sadness4 ,worthless1 so it seemed to him1 worthless and pointless was the way he had been going through life2 nothing which was alive1 nothing which was in some way delicious or worth keeping he had left in his hands4 ,alone he stood there and empty like a castaway on the shore4 ,with a gloomy mind1 ,siddhartha went to the pleasure-garden he owned1 locked the gate1 sat down under a mango-tree1 felt death in his heart and horror in his chest1 sat and sensed how everything died in him1 withered in him1 came to an end in him4 ,by and by1 he gathered his thoughts1 and in his mind1 he once again went the entire path of his life1 starting with the first days he could remember4 ,when was there ever a time when he had experienced happiness1 felt a true bliss8 ,oh yes1 several times he had experienced such a thing4 ,in his years as a boy1 he had had a taste of it1 when he had obtained praise from the ,brahmans1 he had felt it in his heart3 8,there is a path in front of the one who has distinguished himself in the recitation of the holy verses1 in the dispute with the learned ones1 as an assistant in the offerings40 ,then1 he had felt it in his heart3 8,there is a path in front of you1 you are destined for1 the gods are awaiting you40 ,and again1 as a young man1 when the ever rising1 upward fleeing1 goal of all thinking had ripped him out of and up from the multitude of those seeking the same goal1 when he wrestled in pain for the purpose of ,brahman1 when every obtained knowledge only kindled new thirst in him1 then again he had1 in the midst of the thirst1 in the midst of the pain felt this very same thing3 8,go on6 ,go on6 ,you are called upon60 ,he had heard this voice when he had left his home and had chosen the life of a ,samana1 and again when he had gone away from the ,samanas to that perfected one1 and also when he had gone away from him to the uncertain4 ,for how long had he not heard this voice any more1 for how long had he reached no height any more1 how even and dull was the manner in which his path had passed through life1 for many long years1 without a high goal1 without thirst1 without elevation1 content with small lustful pleasures and yet never satisfied6 ,for all of these many years1 without knowing it himself1 he had tried hard and longed to become a man like those many1 like those children1 and in all this1 his life had been much more miserable and poorer than theirs1 and their goals were not his1 nor their worries2 after all1 that entire world of the ,kamaswami-people had only been a game to him1 a dance he would watch1 a comedy4 ,only ,kamala had been dear1 had been valuable to him--but was she still thus8 ,did he still need her1 or she him8 ,did they not play a game without an ending8 ,was it necessary to live for this8 ,no1 it was not necessary6 ,the name of this game was ,sansara1 a game for children1 a game which was perhaps enjoyable to play once1 twice1 ten times--but for ever and ever over again8 ,then1 ,siddhartha knew that the game was over1 that he could not play it any more4 ,shivers ran over his body1 inside of him1 so he felt1 something had died4 ,that entire day1 he sat under the mango-tree1 thinking of his father1 thinking of ,govinda1 thinking of ,gotama4 ,did he have to leave them to become a ,kamaswami8 ,he still sat there1 when the night had fallen4 ,when1 looking up1 he caught sight of the stars1 he thought3 8,here ,i'm sitting under my mango-tree1 in my pleasure-garden40 ,he smiled a little--was it really necessary1 was it right1 was it not as foolish game1 that he owned a mango-tree1 that he owned a garden8 ,he also put an end to this1 this also died in him4 ,he rose1 bid his farewell to the mango-tree1 his farewell to the pleasure-garden4 ,since he had been without food this day1 he felt strong hunger1 and thought of his house in the city1 of his chamber and bed1 of the table with the meals on it4 ,he smiled tiredly1 shook himself1 and bid his farewell to these things4 ,in the same hour of the night1 ,siddhartha left his garden1 left the city1 and never came back4 ,for a long time1 ,kamaswami had people look for him1 thinking that he had fallen into the hands of robbers4 ,kamala had no one look for him4 ,when she was told that ,siddhartha had disappeared1 she was not astonished4 ,did she not always expect it8 ,was he not a ,samana1 a man who was at home nowhere1 a pilgrim8 ,and most of all1 she had felt this the last time they had been together1 and she was happy1 in spite of all the pain of the loss1 that she had pulled him so affectionately to her heart for this last time1 that she had felt one more time to be so completely possessed and penetrated by him4 ,when she received the first news of ,siddhartha's disappearance1 she went to the window1 where she held a rare singing bird captive in a golden cage4 ,she opened the door of the cage1 took the bird out and let it fly4 ,for a long time1 she gazed after it1 the flying bird4 ,from this day on1 she received no more visitors and kept her house locked4 ,but after some time1 she became aware that she was pregnant from the last time she was together with ,siddhartha4 ,,by ,,the ,,river ,siddhartha walked through the forest1 was already far from the city1 and knew nothing but that one thing1 that there was no going back for him1 that this life1 as he had lived it for many years until now1 was over and done away with1 and that he had tasted all of it1 sucked everything out of it until he was disgusted with it4 ,dead was the singing bird he had dreamt of4 ,dead was the bird in his heart4 ,deeply1 he had been entangled in ,sansara1 he had sucked up disgust and death from all sides into his body1 like a sponge sucks up water until it is full4 ,and full he was1 full of the feeling of been sick of it1 full of misery1 full of death1 there was nothing left in this world which could have attracted him1 given him joy1 given him comfort4 ,passionately he wished to know nothing about himself anymore1 to have rest1 to be dead4 ,if there only was a lightning-bolt to strike him dead6 ,if there only was a tiger to devour him6 ,if there only was a wine1 a poison which would numb his senses1 bring him forgetfulness and sleep1 and no awakening from that6 ,was there still any kind of filth he had not soiled himself with1 a sin or foolish act he had not committed1 a dreariness of the soul he had not brought upon himself8 ,was it still at all possible to be alive8 ,was it possible to breathe in again and again1 to breathe out1 to feel hunger1 to eat again1 to sleep again1 to sleep with a woman again8 ,was this cycle not exhausted and brought to a conclusion for him8 ,siddhartha reached the large river in the forest1 the same river over which a long time ago1 when he had still been a young man and came from the town of ,gotama1 a ferryman had conducted him4 ,by this river he stopped1 hesitantly he stood at the bank4 ,tiredness and hunger had weakened him1 and whatever for should he walk on1 wherever to1 to which goal8 ,no1 there were no more goals1 there was nothing left but the deep1 painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream1 to spit out this stale wine1 to put an end to this miserable and shameful life4 ,a hang bent over the bank of the river1 a coconut-tree2 ,siddhartha leaned against its trunk with his shoulder1 embraced the trunk with one arm1 and looked down into the green water1 which ran and ran under him1 looked down and found himself to be entirely filled with the wish to let go and to drown in these waters4 ,a frightening emptiness was reflected back at him by the water1 answering to the terrible emptiness in his soul4 ,yes1 he had reached the end4 ,there was nothing left for him1 except to annihilate himself1 except to smash the failure into which he had shaped his life1 to throw it away1 before the feet of mockingly laughing gods4 ,this was the great vomiting he had longed for3 death1 the smashing to bits of the form he hated6 ,let him be food for fishes1 this dog ,siddhartha1 this lunatic1 this depraved and rotten body1 this weakened and abused soul6 ,let him be food for fishes and crocodiles1 let him be chopped to bits by the daemons6 ,with a distorted face1 he stared into the water1 saw the reflection of his face and spit at it4 ,in deep tiredness1 he took his arm away from the trunk of the tree and turned a bit1 in order to let himself fall straight down1 in order to finally drown4 ,with his eyes closed1 he slipped towards death4 ,then1 out of remote areas of his soul1 out of past times of his now weary life1 a sound stirred up4 ,it was a word1 a syllable1 which he1 without thinking1 with a slurred voice1 spoke to himself1 the old word which is the beginning and the end of all prayers of the ,brahmans1 the holy 8,om01 which roughly means 8that what is perfect0 or 8the completion04 ,and in the moment when the sound of 8,om0 touched ,siddhartha's ear1 his dormant spirit suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions4 ,siddhartha was deeply shocked4 ,so this was how things were with him1 so doomed was he1 so much he had lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge1 that he had been able to seek death1 that this wish1 this wish of a child1 had been able to grow in him3 to find rest by annihilating his body6 ,what all agony of these recent times1 all sobering realizations1 all desperation had not brought about1 this was brought on by this moment1 when the ,om entered his consciousness3 he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error4 ,om6 he spoke to himself3 ,om6 and again he knew about ,brahman1 knew about the indestructibility of life1 knew about all that is divine1 which he had forgotten4 ,but this was only a moment1 flash4 ,by the foot of the coconut-tree1 ,siddhartha collapsed1 struck down by tiredness1 mumbling ,om1 placed his head on the root of the tree and fell into a deep sleep4 ,deep was his sleep and without dreams1 for a long time he had not known such a sleep any more4 ,when he woke up after many hours1 he felt as if ten years had passed1 he heard the water quietly flowing1 did not know where he was and who had brought him here1 opened his eyes1 saw with astonishment that there were trees and the sky above him1 and he remembered where he was and how he got here4 ,but it took him a long while for this1 and the past seemed to him as if it had been covered by a veil1 infinitely distant1 infinitely far away1 infinitely meaningless4 ,he only knew that his previous life 7in the first moment when he thought about it1 this past life seemed to him like a very old1 previous incarnation1 like an early pre-birth of his present self7--that his previous life had been abandoned by him1 that1 full of disgust and wretchedness1 he had even intended to throw his life away1 but that by a river1 under a coconut-tree1 he had come to his senses1 the holy word ,om on his lips1 that then he had fallen asleep and had now woken up and was looking at the world as a new man4 ,quietly1 he spoke the word ,om to himself1 speaking which he had fallen asleep1 and it seemed to him as if his entire long sleep had been nothing but a long meditative recitation of ,om1 a thinking of ,om1 a submergence and complete entering into ,om1 into the nameless1 the perfected4 ,what a wonderful sleep had this been6 ,never before by sleep1 he had been thus refreshed1 thus renewed1 thus rejuvenated6 ,perhaps1 he had really died1 had drowned and was reborn in a new body8 ,but no1 he knew himself1 he knew his hands and his feet1 knew the place where he lay1 knew this self in his chest1 this ,siddhartha1 the eccentric1 the weird one1 but this ,siddhartha was nevertheless transformed1 was renewed1 was strangely well rested1 strangely awake1 joyful and curious4 ,siddhartha straightened up1 then he saw a person sitting opposite to him1 an unknown man1 a monk in a yellow robe with a shaven head1 sitting in the position of pondering4 ,he observed the man1 who had neither hair on his head nor a beard1 and he had not observed him for long when he recognised this monk as ,govinda1 the friend of his youth1 ,govinda who had taken his refuge with the exalted ,buddha4 ,govinda had aged1 he too1 but still his face bore the same features1 expressed zeal1 faithfulness1 searching1 timidness4 ,but when ,govinda now1 sensing his gaze1 opened his eyes and looked at him1 ,siddhartha saw that ,govinda did not recognise him4 ,govinda was happy to find him awake2 apparently1 he had been sitting here for a long time and been waiting for him to wake up1 though he did not know him4 8,i have been sleeping10 said ,siddhartha4 8,however did you get here80 8,you have been sleeping10 answered ,govinda4 8,it is not good to be sleeping in such places1 where snakes often are and the animals of the forest have their paths4 ,i1 oh sir1 am a follower of the exalted ,gotama1 the ,buddha1 the ,sakyamuni1 and have been on a pilgrimage together with several of us on this path1 when ,i saw you lying and sleeping in a place where it is dangerous to sleep4 ,therefore1 ,i sought to wake you up1 oh sir1 and since ,i saw that your sleep was very deep1 ,i stayed behind from my group and sat with you4 ,and then1 so it seems1 ,i have fallen asleep myself1 ,i who wanted to guard your sleep4 ,badly1 ,i have served you1 tiredness has overwhelmed me4 ,but now that you're awake1 let me go to catch up with my brothers40 8,i thank you1 ,samana1 for watching out over my sleep10 spoke ,siddhartha4 8,you're friendly1 you followers of the exalted one4 ,now you may go then40 8,i'm going1 sir4 ,may you1 sir1 always be in good health40 8,i thank you1 ,samana40 ,govinda made the gesture of a salutation and said3 8,farewell40 8,farewell1 ,govinda10 said ,siddhartha4 ,the monk stopped4 8,permit me to ask1 sir1 from where do you know my name80 ,now1 ,siddhartha smiled4 8,i know you1 oh ,govinda1 from your father's hut1 and from the school of the ,brahmans1 and from the offerings1 and from our walk to the ,samanas1 and from that hour when you took your refuge with the exalted one in the grove ,jetavana40 8,you're ,siddhartha10 ,govinda exclaimed loudly4 8,now1 ,i'm recognising you1 and don't comprehend any more how ,i couldn't recognise you right away4 ,be welcome1 ,siddhartha1 my joy is great1 to see you again40 8,it also gives me joy1 to see you again4 ,you've been the guard of my sleep1 again ,i thank you for this1 though ,i wouldn't have required any guard4 ,where are you going to1 oh friend80 8,i'm going nowhere4 ,we monks are always travelling1 whenever it is not the rainy season1 we always move from one place to another1 live according to the rules of the teachings passed on to us1 accept alms1 move on4 ,it is always like this4 ,but you1 ,siddhartha1 where are you going to80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,with me too1 friend1 it is as it is with you4 ,i'm going nowhere4 ,i'm just travelling4 ,i'm on a pilgrimage40 ,govinda spoke3 8,you're saying3 you're on a pilgrimage1 and ,i believe you4 ,but1 forgive me1 oh ,siddhartha1 you do not look like a pilgrim4 ,you're wearing a rich man's garments1 you're wearing the shoes of a distinguished gentleman1 and your hair1 with the fragrance of perfume1 is not a pilgrim's hair1 not the hair of a ,samana40 8,right so1 my dear1 you have observed well1 your keen eyes see everything4 ,but ,i haven't said to you that ,i was a ,samana4 ,i said3 ,i'm on a pilgrimage4 ,and so it is3 ,i'm on a pilgrimage40 8,you're on a pilgrimage10 said ,govinda4 8,but few would go on a pilgrimage in such clothes1 few in such shoes1 few with such hair4 ,never ,i have met such a pilgrim1 being a pilgrim myself for many years40 8,i believe you1 my dear ,govinda4 ,but now1 today1 you've met a pilgrim just like this1 wearing such shoes1 such a garment4 ,remember1 my dear3 ,not eternal is the world of appearances1 not eternal1 anything but eternal are our garments and the style of our hair1 and our hair and bodies themselves4 ,i'm wearing a rich man's clothes1 you've seen this quite right4 ,i'm wearing them1 because ,i have been a rich man1 and ,i'm wearing my hair like the worldly and lustful people1 for ,i have been one of them40 8,and now1 ,siddhartha1 what are you now80 8,i don't know it1 ,i don't know it just like you4 ,i'm travelling4 ,i was a rich man and am no rich man any more1 and what ,i'll be tomorrow1 ,i don't know40 8,you've lost your riches80 8,i've lost them or they me4 ,they somehow happened to slip away from me4 ,the wheel of physical manifestations is turning quickly1 ,govinda4 ,where is ,siddhartha the ,brahman8 ,where is ,siddhartha the ,samana8 ,where is ,siddhartha the rich man8 ,non-eternal things change quickly1 ,govinda1 you know it40 ,govinda looked at the friend of his youth for a long time1 with doubt in his eyes4 ,after that1 he gave him the salutation which one would use on a gentleman and went on his way4 ,with a smiling face1 ,siddhartha watched him leave1 he loved him still1 this faithful man1 this fearful man4 ,and how could he not have loved everybody and everything in this moment1 in the glorious hour after his wonderful sleep1 filled with ,om6 ,the enchantment1 which had happened inside of him in his sleep and by means of the ,om1 was this very thing that he loved everything1 that he was full of joyful love for everything he saw4 ,and it was this very thing1 so it seemed to him now1 which had been his sickness before1 that he was not able to love anybody or anything4 ,with a smiling face1 ,siddhartha watched the leaving monk4 ,the sleep had strengthened him much1 but hunger gave him much pain1 for by now he had not eaten for two days1 and the times were long past when he had been tough against hunger4 ,with sadness1 and yet also with a smile1 he thought of that time4 ,in those days1 so he remembered1 he had boasted of three things to ,kamala1 had been able to do three noble and undefeatable feats3 fasting--waiting--thinking4 ,these had been his possessions1 his power and strength1 his solid staff2 in the busy1 laborious years of his youth1 he had learned these three feats1 nothing else4 ,and now1 they had abandoned him1 none of them was his any more1 neither fasting1 nor waiting1 nor thinking4 ,for the most wretched things1 he had given them up1 for what fades most quickly1 for sensual lust1 for the good life1 for riches6 ,his life had indeed been strange4 ,and now1 so it seemed1 now he had really become a childlike person4 ,siddhartha thought about his situation4 ,thinking was hard on him1 he did not really feel like it1 but he forced himself4 ,now1 he thought1 since all these most easily perishing things have slipped from me again1 now ,i'm standing here under the sun again just as ,i have been standing here a little child1 nothing is mine1 ,i have no abilities1 there is nothing ,i could bring about1 ,i have learned nothing4 ,how wondrous is this6 ,now1 that ,i'm no longer young1 that my hair is already half gray1 that my strength is fading1 now ,i'm starting again at the beginning and as a child6 ,again1 he had to smile4 ,yes1 his fate had been strange6 ,things were going downhill with him1 and now he was again facing the world void and naked and stupid4 ,but he could not feel sad about this1 no1 he even felt a great urge to laugh1 to laugh about himself1 to laugh about this strange1 foolish world4 8,things are going downhill with you60 he said to himself1 and laughed about it1 and as he was saying it1 he happened to glance at the river1 and he also saw the river going downhill1 always moving on downhill1 and singing and being happy through it all4 ,he liked this well1 kindly he smiled at the river4 ,was this not the river in which he had intended to drown himself1 in past times1 a hundred years ago1 or had he dreamed this8 ,wondrous indeed was my life1 so he thought1 wondrous detours it has taken4 ,as a boy1 ,i had only to do with gods and offerings4 ,as a youth1 ,i had only to do with asceticism1 with thinking and meditation1 was searching for ,brahman1 worshipped the eternal in the ,atman4 ,but as a young man1 ,i followed the penitents1 lived in the forest1 suffered of heat and frost1 learned to hunger1 taught my body to become dead4 ,wonderfully1 soon afterwards1 insight came towards me in the form of the great ,buddha's teachings1 ,i felt the knowledge of the oneness of the world circling in me like my own blood4 ,but ,i also had to leave ,buddha and the great knowledge4 ,i went and learned the art of love with ,kamala1 learned trading with ,kamaswami1 piled up money1 wasted money1 learned to love my stomach1 learned to please my senses4 ,i had to spend many years losing my spirit1 to unlearn thinking again1 to forget the oneness4 ,isn't it just as if ,i had turned slowly and on a long detour from a man into a child1 from a thinker into a childlike person8 ,and yet1 this path has been very good2 and yet1 the bird in my chest has not died4 ,but what a path has this been6 ,i had to pass through so much stupidity1 through so much vice1 through so many errors1 through so much disgust and disappointments and woe1 just to become a child again and to be able to start over4 ,but it was right so1 my heart says 8,yes0 to it1 my eyes smile to it4 ,i've had to experience despair1 ,i've had to sink down to the most foolish one of all thoughts1 to the thought of suicide1 in order to be able to experience divine grace1 to hear ,om again1 to be able to sleep properly and awake properly again4 ,i had to become a fool1 to find ,atman in me again4 ,i had to sin1 to be able to live again4 ,where else might my path lead me to8 ,it is foolish1 this path1 it moves in loops1 perhaps it is going around in a circle4 ,let it go as it likes1 ,i want to take it4 ,wonderfully1 he felt joy rolling like waves in his chest4 ,wherever from1 he asked his heart1 where from did you get this happiness8 ,might it come from that long1 good sleep1 which has done me so good8 ,or from the word ,om1 which ,i said8 ,or from the fact that ,i have escaped1 that ,i have completely fled1 that ,i am finally free again and am standing like a child under the sky8 ,oh how good is it to have fled1 to have become free6 ,how clean and beautiful is the air here1 how good to breathe6 ,there1 where ,i ran away from1 there everything smelled of ointments1 of spices1 of wine1 of excess1 of sloth4 ,how ,i hated this world of the rich1 of those who revel in fine food1 of the gamblers6 ,how ,i hated myself for staying in this terrible world for so long6 ,how ,i hated myself1 have deprived1 poisoned1 tortured myself1 have made myself old and evil6 ,no1 never again ,i will1 as ,i used to like doing so much1 delude myself into thinking that ,siddhartha was wise6 ,but this one thing ,i have done well1 this ,i like1 this ,i must praise1 that there is now an end to that hatred against myself1 to that foolish and dreary life6 ,i praise you1 ,siddhartha1 after so many years of foolishness1 you have once again had an idea1 have done something1 have heard the bird in your chest singing and have followed it6 ,thus he praised himself1 found joy in himself1 listened curiously to his stomach1 which was rumbling with hunger4 ,he had now1 so he felt1 in these recent times and days1 completely tasted and spit out1 devoured up to the point of desperation and death1 a piece of suffering1 a piece of misery4 ,like this1 it was good4 ,for much longer1 he could have stayed with ,kamaswami1 made money1 wasted money1 filled his stomach1 and let his soul die of thirst2 for much longer he could have lived in this soft1 well upholstered hell1 if this had not happened3 the moment of complete hopelessness and despair1 that most extreme moment1 when he hung over the rushing waters and was ready to destroy himself4 ,that he had felt this despair1 this deep disgust1 and that he had not succumbed to it1 that the bird1 the joyful source and voice in him was still alive after all1 this was why he felt joy1 this was why he laughed1 this was why his face was smiling brightly under his hair which had turned gray4 8,it is good10 he thought1 8to get a taste of everything for oneself1 which one needs to know4 ,that lust for the world and riches do not belong to the good things1 ,i have already learned as a child4 ,i have known it for a long time1 but ,i have experienced only now4 ,and now ,i know it1 don't just know it in my memory1 but in my eyes1 in my heart1 in my stomach4 ,good for me1 to know this60 ,for a long time1 he pondered his transformation1 listened to the bird1 as it sang for joy4 ,had not this bird died in him1 had he not felt its death8 ,no1 something else from within him had died1 something which already for a long time had yearned to die4 ,was it not this what he used to intend to kill in his ardent years as a penitent8 ,was this not his self1 his small1 frightened1 and proud self1 he had wrestled with for so many years1 which had defeated him again and again1 which was back again after every killing1 prohibited joy1 felt fear8 ,was it not this1 which today had finally come to its death1 here in the forest1 by this lovely river8 ,was it not due to this death1 that he was now like a child1 so full of trust1 so without fear1 so full of joy8 ,now ,siddhartha also got some idea of why he had fought this self in vain as a ,brahman1 as a penitent4 ,too much knowledge had held him back1 too many holy verses1 too many sacrificial rules1 to much self-castigation1 so much doing and striving for that goal6 ,full of arrogance1 he had been1 always the smartest1 always working the most1 always one step ahead of all others1 always the knowing and spiritual one1 always the priest or wise one4 ,into being a priest1 into this arrogance1 into this spirituality1 his self had retreated1 there it sat firmly and grew1 while he thought he would kill it by fasting and penance4 ,now he saw it and saw that the secret voice had been right1 that no teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation4 ,therefore1 he had to go out into the world1 lose himself to lust and power1 to woman and money1 had to become a merchant1 a dice-gambler1 a drinker1 and a greedy person1 until the priest and ,samana in him was dead4 ,therefore1 he had to continue bearing these ugly years1 bearing the disgust1 the teachings1 the pointlessness of a dreary and wasted life up to the end1 up to bitter despair1 until ,siddhartha the lustful1 ,siddhartha the greedy could also die4 ,he had died1 a new ,siddhartha had woken up from the sleep4 ,he would also grow old1 he would also eventually have to die1 mortal was ,siddhartha1 mortal was every physical form4 ,but today he was young1 was a child1 the new ,siddhartha1 and was full of joy4 ,he thought these thoughts1 listened with a smile to his stomach1 listened gratefully to a buzzing bee4 ,cheerfully1 he looked into the rushing river1 never before he had liked a water so well as this one1 never before he had perceived the voice and the parable of the moving water thus strongly and beautifully4 ,it seemed to him1 as if the river had something special to tell him1 something he did not know yet1 which was still awaiting him4 ,in this river1 ,siddhartha had intended to drown himself1 in it the old1 tired1 desperate ,siddhartha had drowned today4 ,but the new ,siddhartha felt a deep love for this rushing water1 and decided for himself1 not to leave it very soon4 ,,the ,,ferryman ,by this river ,i want to stay1 thought ,siddhartha1 it is the same which ,i have crossed a long time ago on my way to the childlike people1 a friendly ferryman had guided me then1 he is the one ,i want to go to1 starting out from his hut1 my path had led me at that time into a new life1 which had now grown old and is dead--my present path1 my present new life1 shall also take its start there6 ,tenderly1 he looked into the rushing water1 into the transparent green1 into the crystal lines of its drawing1 so rich in secrets4 ,bright pearls he saw rising from the deep1 quiet bubbles of air floating on the reflecting surface1 the blue of the sky being depicted in it4 ,with a thousand eyes1 the river looked at him1 with green ones1 with white ones1 with crystal ones1 with sky-blue ones4 ,how did he love this water1 how did it delight him1 how grateful was he to it6 ,in his heart he heard the voice talking1 which was newly awaking1 and it told him3 ,love this water6 ,stay near it6 ,learn from it6 ,oh yes1 he wanted to learn from it1 he wanted to listen to it4 ,he who would understand this water and its secrets1 so it seemed to him1 would also understand many other things1 many secrets1 all secrets4 ,but out of all secrets of the river1 he today only saw one1 this one touched his soul4 ,he saw3 this water ran and ran1 incessantly it ran1 and was nevertheless always there1 was always at all times the same and yet new in every moment6 ,great be he who would grasp this1 understand this6 ,he understood and grasped it not1 only felt some idea of it stirring1 a distant memory1 divine voices4 ,siddhartha rose1 the workings of hunger in his body became unbearable4 ,in a daze he walked on1 up the path by the bank1 upriver1 listened to the current1 listened to the rumbling hunger in his body4 ,when he reached the ferry1 the boat was just ready1 and the same ferryman who had once transported the young ,samana across the river1 stood in the boat1 ,siddhartha recognised him1 he had also aged very much4 8,would you like to ferry me over80 he asked4 ,the ferryman1 being astonished to see such an elegant man walking along and on foot1 took him into his boat and pushed it off the bank4 8,it's a beautiful life you have chosen for yourself10 the passenger spoke4 8,it must be beautiful to live by this water every day and to cruise on it40 ,with a smile1 the man at the oar moved from side to side3 8,it is beautiful1 sir1 it is as you say4 ,but isn't every life1 isn't every work beautiful80 8,this may be true4 ,but ,i envy you for yours40 8,ah1 you would soon stop enjoying it4 ,this is nothing for people wearing fine clothes40 ,siddhartha laughed4 8,once before1 ,i have been looked upon today because of my clothes1 ,i have been looked upon with distrust4 ,wouldn't you1 ferryman1 like to accept these clothes1 which are a nuisance to me1 from me8 ,for you must know1 ,i have no money to pay your fare40 8,you're joking1 sir10 the ferryman laughed4 8,i'm not joking1 friend4 ,behold1 once before you have ferried me across this water in your boat for the immaterial reward of a good deed4 ,thus1 do it today as well1 and accept my clothes for it40 8,and do you1 sir1 intent to continue travelling without clothes80 8,ah1 most of all ,i wouldn't want to continue travelling at all4 ,most of all ,i would rather you1 ferryman1 gave me an old loincloth and kept me with you as your assistant1 or rather as your trainee1 for ,i'll have to learn first how to handle the boat40 ,for a long time1 the ferryman looked at the stranger1 searching4 8,now ,i recognise you10 he finally said4 8,at one time1 you've slept in my hut1 this was a long time ago1 possibly more than twenty years ago1 and you've been ferried across the river by me1 and we parted like good friends4 ,haven't you been a ,samana8 ,i can't think of your name any more40 8,my name is ,siddhartha1 and ,i was a ,samana1 when you've last seen me40 8,so be welcome1 ,siddhartha4 ,my name is ,vasudeva4 ,you will1 so ,i hope1 be my guest today as well and sleep in my hut1 and tell me1 where you're coming from and why these beautiful clothes are such a nuisance to you40 ,they had reached the middle of the river1 and ,vasudeva pushed the oar with more strength1 in order to overcome the current4 ,he worked calmly1 his eyes fixed in on the front of the boat1 with brawny arms4 ,siddhartha sat and watched him1 and remembered1 how once before1 on that last day of his time as a ,samana1 love for this man had stirred in his heart4 ,gratefully1 he accepted ,vasudeva's invitation4 ,when they had reached the bank1 he helped him to tie the boat to the stakes2 after this1 the ferryman asked him to enter the hut1 offered him bread and water1 and ,siddhartha ate with eager pleasure1 and also ate with eager pleasure of the mango fruits ,vasudeva offered him4 ,afterwards1 it was almost the time of the sunset1 they sat on a log by the bank1 and ,siddhartha told the ferryman about where he originally came from and about his life1 as he had seen it before his eyes today1 in that hour of despair4 ,until late at night1 lasted his tale4 ,vasudeva listened with great attention4 ,listening carefully1 he let everything enter his mind1 birthplace and childhood1 all that learning1 all that searching1 all joy1 all distress4 ,this was among the ferryman's virtues one of the greatest3 like only a few1 he knew how to listen4 ,without him having spoken a word1 the speaker sensed how ,vasudeva let his words enter his mind1 quiet1 open1 waiting1 how he did not lose a single one1 awaited not a single one with impatience1 did not add his praise or rebuke1 was just listening4 ,siddhartha felt1 what a happy fortune it is1 to confess to such a listener1 to bury in his heart his own life1 his own search1 his own suffering4 ,but in the end of ,siddhartha's tale1 when he spoke of the tree by the river1 and of his deep fall1 of the holy ,om1 and how he had felt such a love for the river after his slumber1 the ferryman listened with twice the attention1 entirely and completely absorbed by it1 with his eyes closed4 ,but when ,siddhartha fell silent1 and a long silence had occurred1 then ,vasudeva said3 8,it is as ,i thought4 ,the river has spoken to you4 ,it is your friend as well1 it speaks to you as well4 ,that is good1 that is very good4 ,stay with me1 ,siddhartha1 my friend4 ,i used to have a wife1 her bed was next to mine1 but she has died a long time ago1 for a long time1 ,i have lived alone4 ,now1 you shall live with me1 there is space and food for both40 8,i thank you10 said ,siddhartha1 8,i thank you and accept4 ,and ,i also thank you for this1 ,vasudeva1 for listening to me so well6 ,these people are rare who know how to listen4 ,and ,i did not meet a single one who knew it as well as you did4 ,i will also learn in this respect from you40 8,you will learn it10 spoke ,vasudeva1 8but not from me4 ,the river has taught me to listen1 from it you will learn it as well4 ,it knows everything1 the river1 everything can be learned from it4 ,see1 you've already learned this from the water too1 that it is good to strive downwards1 to sink1 to seek depth4 ,the rich and elegant ,siddhartha is becoming an oarsman's servant1 the learned ,brahman ,siddhartha becomes a ferryman3 this has also been told to you by the river4 ,you'll learn that other thing from it as well40 ,quoth ,siddhartha after a long pause3 8,what other thing1 ,vasudeva80 ,vasudeva rose4 8,it is late10 he said1 8let's go to sleep4 ,i can't tell you that other thing1 oh friend4 ,you'll learn it1 or perhaps you know it already4 ,see1 ,i'm no learned man1 ,i have no special skill in speaking1 ,i also have no special skill in thinking4 ,all ,i'm able to do is to listen and to be godly1 ,i have learned nothing else4 ,if ,i was able to say and teach it1 ,i might be a wise man1 but like this ,i am only a ferryman1 and it is my task to ferry people across the river4 ,i have transported many1 thousands2 and to all of them1 my river has been nothing but an obstacle on their travels4 ,they travelled to seek money and business1 and for weddings1 and on pilgrimages1 and the river was obstructing their path1 and the ferryman's job was to get them quickly across that obstacle4 ,but for some among thousands1 a few1 four or five1 the river has stopped being an obstacle1 they have heard its voice1 they have listened to it1 and the river has become sacred to them1 as it has become sacred to me4 ,let's rest now1 ,siddhartha40 ,siddhartha stayed with the ferryman and learned to operate the boat1 and when there was nothing to do at the ferry1 he worked with ,vasudeva in the rice-field1 gathered wood1 plucked the fruit off the banana-trees4 ,he learned to build an oar1 and learned to mend the boat1 and to weave baskets1 and was joyful because of everything he learned1 and the days and months passed quickly4 ,but more than ,vasudeva could teach him1 he was taught by the river4 ,incessantly1 he learned from it4 ,most of all1 he learned from it to listen1 to pay close attention with a quiet heart1 with a waiting1 opened soul1 without passion1 without a wish1 without judgement1 without an opinion4 ,in a friendly manner1 he lived side by side with ,vasudeva1 and occasionally they exchanged some words1 few and at length thought about words4 ,vasudeva was no friend of words2 rarely1 ,siddhartha succeeded in persuading him to speak4 8,did you10 so he asked him at one time1 8did you too learn that secret from the river3 that there is no time80 ,vasudeva's face was filled with a bright smile4 8,yes1 ,siddhartha10 he spoke4 8,it is this what you mean1 isn't it3 that the river is everywhere at once1 at the source and at the mouth1 at the waterfall1 at the ferry1 at the rapids1 in the sea1 in the mountains1 everywhere at once1 and that there is only the present time for it1 not the shadow of the past1 not the shadow of the future80 8,this it is10 said ,siddhartha4 8,and when ,i had learned it1 ,i looked at my life1 and it was also a river1 and the boy ,siddhartha was only separated from the man ,siddhartha and from the old man ,siddhartha by a shadow1 not by something real4 ,also1 ,siddhartha's previous births were no past1 and his death and his return to ,brahma was no future4 ,nothing was1 nothing will be2 everything is1 everything has existence and is present40 ,siddhartha spoke with ecstasy2 deeply1 this enlightenment had delighted him4 ,oh1 was not all suffering time1 were not all forms of tormenting oneself and being afraid time1 was not everything hard1 everything hostile in the world gone and overcome as soon as one had overcome time1 as soon as time would have been put out of existence by one's thoughts8 ,in ecstatic delight1 he had spoken1 but ,vasudeva smiled at him brightly and nodded in confirmation2 silently he nodded1 brushed his hand over ,siddhartha's shoulder1 turned back to his work4 ,and once again1 when the river had just increased its flow in the rainy season and made a powerful noise1 then said ,siddhartha3 8,isn't it so1 oh friend1 the river has many voices1 very many voices8 ,hasn't it the voice of a king1 and of a warrior1 and of a bull1 and of a bird of the night1 and of a woman giving birth1 and of a sighing man1 and a thousand other voices more80 8,so it is10 ,vasudeva nodded1 8all voices of the creatures are in its voice40 8,and do you know10 ,siddhartha continued1 8what word it speaks1 when you succeed in hearing all of its ten thousand voices at once80 ,happily1 ,vasudeva's face was smiling1 he bent over to ,siddhartha and spoke the holy ,om into his ear4 ,and this had been the very thing which ,siddhartha had also been hearing4 ,and time after time1 his smile became more similar to the ferryman's1 became almost just as bright1 almost just as thoroughly glowing with bliss1 just as shining out of thousand small wrinkles1 just as alike to a child's1 just as alike to an old man's4 ,many travellers1 seeing the two ferrymen1 thought they were brothers4 ,often1 they sat in the evening together by the bank on the log1 said nothing and both listened to the water1 which was no water to them1 but the voice of life1 the voice of what exists1 of what is eternally taking shape4 ,and it happened from time to time that both1 when listening to the river1 thought of the same things1 of a conversation from the day before yesterday1 of one of their travellers1 the face and fate of whom had occupied their thoughts1 of death1 of their childhood1 and that they both in the same moment1 when the river had been saying something good to them1 looked at each other1 both thinking precisely the same thing1 both delighted about the same answer to the same question4 ,there was something about this ferry and the two ferrymen which was transmitted to others1 which many of the travellers felt4 ,it happened occasionally that a traveller1 after having looked at the face of one of the ferrymen1 started to tell the story of his life1 told about pains1 confessed evil things1 asked for comfort and advice4 ,it happened occasionally that someone asked for permission to stay for a night with them to listen to the river4 ,it also happened that curious people came1 who had been told that there were two wise men1 or sorcerers1 or holy men living by that ferry4 ,the curious people asked many questions1 but they got no answers1 and they found neither sorcerers nor wise men1 they only found two friendly little old men1 who seemed to be mute and to have become a bit strange and gaga4 ,and the curious people laughed and were discussing how foolishly and gullibly the common people were spreading such empty rumours4 ,the years passed by1 and nobody counted them4 ,then1 at one time1 monks came by on a pilgrimage1 followers of ,gotama1 the ,buddha1 who were asking to be ferried across the river1 and by them the ferrymen were told that they were most hurriedly walking back to their great teacher1 for the news had spread the exalted one was deadly sick and would soon die his last human death1 in order to become one with the salvation4 ,it was not long1 until a new flock of monks came along on their pilgrimage1 and another one1 and the monks as well as most of the other travellers and people walking through the land spoke of nothing else than of ,gotama and his impending death4 ,and as people are flocking from everywhere and from all sides1 when they are going to war or to the coronation of a king1 and are gathering like ants in droves1 thus they flocked1 like being drawn on by a magic spell1 to where the great ,buddha was awaiting his death1 where the huge event was to take place and the great perfected one of an era was to become one with the glory4 ,often1 ,siddhartha thought in those days of the dying wise man1 the great teacher1 whose voice had admonished nations and had awoken hundreds of thousands1 whose voice he had also once heard1 whose holy face he had also once seen with respect4 ,kindly1 he thought of him1 saw his path to perfection before his eyes1 and remembered with a smile those words which he had once1 as a young man1 said to him1 the exalted one4 ,they had been1 so it seemed to him1 proud and precocious words2 with a smile1 he remembered them4 ,for a long time he knew that there was nothing standing between ,gotama and him any more1 though he was still unable to accept his teachings4 ,no1 there was no teaching a truly searching person1 someone who truly wanted to find1 could accept4 ,but he who had found1 he could approve of any teachings1 every path1 every goal1 there was nothing standing between him and all the other thousand any more who lived in that what is eternal1 who breathed what is divine4 ,on one of these days1 when so many went on a pilgrimage to the dying ,buddha1 ,kamala also went to him1 who used to be the most beautiful of the courtesans4 ,a long time ago1 she had retired from her previous life1 had given her garden to the monks of ,gotama as a gift1 had taken her refuge in the teachings1 was among the friends and benefactors of the pilgrims4 ,together with ,siddhartha the boy1 her son1 she had gone on her way due to the news of the near death of ,gotama1 in simple clothes1 on foot4 ,with her little son1 she was travelling by the river2 but the boy had soon grown tired1 desired to go back home1 desired to rest1 desired to eat1 became disobedient and started whining4 ,kamala often had to take a rest with him1 he was accustomed to having his way against her1 she had to feed him1 had to comfort him1 had to scold him4 ,he did not comprehend why he had to go on this exhausting and sad pilgrimage with his mother1 to an unknown place1 to a stranger1 who was holy and about to die4 ,so what if he died1 how did this concern the boy8 ,the pilgrims were getting close to ,vasudeva's ferry1 when little ,siddhartha once again forced his mother to rest4 ,she1 ,kamala herself1 had also become tired1 and while the boy was chewing a banana1 she crouched down on the ground1 closed her eyes a bit1 and rested4 ,but suddenly1 she uttered a wailing scream1 the boy looked at her in fear and saw her face having grown pale from horror2 and from under her dress1 a small1 black snake fled1 by which ,kamala had been bitten4 ,hurriedly1 they now both ran along the path1 in order to reach people1 and got near to the ferry1 there ,kamala collapsed1 and was not able to go any further4 ,but the boy started crying miserably1 only interrupting it to kiss and hug his mother1 and she also joined his loud screams for help1 until the sound reached ,vasudeva's ears1 who stood at the ferry4 ,quickly1 he came walking1 took the woman on his arms1 carried her into the boat1 the boy ran along1 and soon they all reached the hut1 where ,siddhartha stood by the stove and was just lighting the fire4 ,he looked up and first saw the boy's face1 which wondrously reminded him of something1 like a warning to remember something he had forgotten4 ,then he saw ,kamala1 whom he instantly recognised1 though she lay unconscious in the ferryman's arms1 and now he knew that it was his own son1 whose face had been such a warning reminder to him1 and the heart stirred in his chest4 ,kamala's wound was washed1 but had already turned black and her body was swollen1 she was made to drink a healing potion4 ,her consciousness returned1 she lay on ,siddhartha's bed in the hut and bent over her stood ,siddhartha1 who used to love her so much4 ,it seemed like a dream to her2 with a smile1 she looked at her friend's face2 just slowly she1 realized her situation1 remembered the bite1 called timidly for the boy4 8,he's with you1 don't worry10 said ,siddhartha4 ,kamala looked into his eyes4 ,she spoke with a heavy tongue1 paralysed by the poison4 8,you've become old1 my dear10 she said1 8you've become gray4 ,but you are like the young ,samana1 who at one time came without clothes1 with dusty feet1 to me into the garden4 ,you are much more like him than you were like him at that time when you had left me and ,kamaswami4 ,in the eyes1 you're like him1 ,siddhartha4 ,alas1 ,i have also grown old1 old--could you still recognise me80 ,siddhartha smiled3 8,instantly1 ,i recognised you1 ,kamala1 my dear40 ,kamala pointed to her boy and said3 8,did you recognise him as well8 ,he is your son40 ,her eyes became confused and fell shut4 ,the boy wept1 ,siddhartha took him on his knees1 let him weep1 petted his hair1 and at the sight of the child's face1 a ,brahman prayer came to his mind1 which he had learned a long time ago1 when he had been a little boy himself4 ,slowly1 with a singing voice1 he started to speak2 from his past and childhood1 the words came flowing to him4 ,and with that singsong1 the boy became calm1 was only now and then uttering a sob and fell asleep4 ,siddhartha placed him on ,vasudeva's bed4 ,vasudeva stood by the stove and cooked rice4 ,siddhartha gave him a look1 which he returned with a smile4 8,she'll die10 ,siddhartha said quietly4 ,vasudeva nodded2 over his friendly face ran the light of the stove's fire4 ,once again1 ,kamala returned to consciousness4 ,pain distorted her face1 ,siddhartha's eyes read the suffering on her mouth1 on her pale cheeks4 ,quietly1 he read it1 attentively1 waiting1 his mind becoming one with her suffering4 ,kamala felt it1 her gaze sought his eyes4 ,looking at him1 she said3 8,now ,i see that your eyes have changed as well4 ,they've become completely different4 ,by what do ,i still recognise that you're ,siddhartha8 ,it's you1 and it's not you40 ,siddhartha said nothing1 quietly his eyes looked at hers4 8,you have achieved it80 she asked4 8,you have found peace80 ,he smiled and placed his hand on hers4 8,i'm seeing it10 she said1 8,i'm seeing it4 ,i too will find peace40 8,you have found it10 ,siddhartha spoke in a whisper4 ,kamala never stopped looking into his eyes4 ,she thought about her pilgrimage to ,gotama1 which she wanted to take1 in order to see the face of the perfected one1 to breathe his peace1 and she thought that she had now found him in his place1 and that it was good1 just as good1 as if she had seen the other one4 ,she wanted to tell this to him1 but the tongue no longer obeyed her will4 ,without speaking1 she looked at him1 and he saw the life fading from her eyes4 ,when the final pain filled her eyes and made them grow dim1 when the final shiver ran through her limbs1 his finger closed her eyelids4 ,for a long time1 he sat and looked at her peacefully dead face4 ,for a long time1 he observed her mouth1 her old1 tired mouth1 with those lips1 which had become thin1 and he remembered1 that he used to1 in the spring of his years1 compare this mouth with a freshly cracked fig4 ,for a long time1 he sat1 read in the pale face1 in the tired wrinkles1 filled himself with this sight1 saw his own face lying in the same manner1 just as white1 just as quenched out1 and saw at the same time his face and hers being young1 with red lips1 with fiery eyes1 and the feeling of this both being present and at the same time real1 the feeling of eternity1 completely filled every aspect of his being4 ,deeply he felt1 more deeply than ever before1 in this hour1 the indestructibility of every life1 the eternity of every moment4 ,when he rose1 ,vasudeva had prepared rice for him4 ,but ,siddhartha did not eat4 ,in the stable1 where their goat stood1 the two old men prepared beds of straw for themselves1 and ,vasudeva lay himself down to sleep4 ,but ,siddhartha went outside and sat this night before the hut1 listening to the river1 surrounded by the past1 touched and encircled by all times of his life at the same time4 ,but occasionally1 he rose1 stepped to the door of the hut and listened1 whether the boy was sleeping4 ,early in the morning1 even before the sun could be seen1 ,vasudeva came out of the stable and walked over to his friend4 8,you haven't slept10 he said4 8,no1 ,vasudeva4 ,i sat here1 ,i was listening to the river4 ,a lot it has told me1 deeply it has filled me with the healing thought1 with the thought of oneness40 8,you've experienced suffering1 ,siddhartha1 but ,i see3 no sadness has entered your heart40 8,no1 my dear1 how should ,i be sad8 ,i1 who have been rich and happy1 have become even richer and happier now4 ,my son has been given to me40 8,your son shall be welcome to me as well4 ,but now1 ,siddhartha1 let's get to work1 there is much to be done4 ,kamala has died on the same bed on which my wife had died a long time ago4 ,let us also build ,kamala's funeral pile on the same hill on which ,i had then built my wife's funeral pile40 ,while the boy was still asleep1 they built the funeral pile4 ,,the ,,son ,timid and weeping1 the boy had attended his mother's funeral2 gloomy and shy1 he had listened to ,siddhartha1 who greeted him as his son and welcomed him at his place in ,vasudeva's hut4 ,pale1 he sat for many days by the hill of the dead1 did not want to eat1 gave no open look1 did not open his heart1 met his fate with resistance and denial4 ,siddhartha spared him and let him do as he pleased1 he honoured his mourning4 ,siddhartha understood that his son did not know him1 that he could not love him like a father4 ,slowly1 he also saw and understood that the eleven-year-old was a pampered boy1 a mother's boy1 and that he had grown up in the habits of rich people1 accustomed to finer food1 to a soft bed1 accustomed to giving orders to servants4 ,siddhartha understood that the mourning1 pampered child could not suddenly and willingly be content with a life among strangers and in poverty4 ,he did not force him1 he did many a chore for him1 always picked the best piece of the meal for him4 ,slowly1 he hoped to win him over1 by friendly patience4 ,rich and happy1 he had called himself1 when the boy had come to him4 ,since time had passed on in the meantime1 and the boy remained a stranger and in a gloomy disposition1 since he displayed a proud and stubbornly disobedient heart1 did not want to do any work1 did not pay his respect to the old men1 stole from ,vasudeva's fruit-trees1 then ,siddhartha began to understand that his son had not brought him happiness and peace1 but suffering and worry4 ,but he loved him1 and he preferred the suffering and worries of love over happiness and joy without the boy4 ,since young ,siddhartha was in the hut1 the old men had split the work4 ,vasudeva had again taken on the job of the ferryman all by himself1 and ,siddhartha1 in order to be with his son1 did the work in the hut and the field4 ,for a long time1 for long months1 ,siddhartha waited for his son to understand him1 to accept his love1 to perhaps reciprocate it4 ,for long months1 ,vasudeva waited1 watching1 waited and said nothing4 ,one day1 when ,siddhartha the younger had once again tormented his father very much with spite and an unsteadiness in his wishes and had broken both of his rice-bowls1 ,vasudeva took in the evening his friend aside and talked to him4 8,pardon me10 he said1 8from a friendly heart1 ,i'm talking to you4 ,i'm seeing that you are tormenting yourself1 ,i'm seeing that you're in grief4 ,your son1 my dear1 is worrying you1 and he is also worrying me4 ,that young bird is accustomed to a different life1 to a different nest4 ,he has not1 like you1 run away from riches and the city1 being disgusted and fed up with it2 against his will1 he had to leave all this behind4 ,i asked the river1 oh friend1 many times ,i have asked it4 ,but the river laughs1 it laughs at me1 it laughs at you and me1 and is shaking with laughter at our foolishness4 ,water wants to join water1 youth wants to join youth1 your son is not in the place where he can prosper4 ,you too should ask the river2 you too should listen to it60 ,troubled1 ,siddhartha looked into his friendly face1 in the many wrinkles of which there was incessant cheerfulness4 8,how could ,i part with him80 he said quietly1 ashamed4 8,give me some more time1 my dear6 ,see1 ,i'm fighting for him1 ,i'm seeking to win his heart1 with love and with friendly patience ,i intend to capture it4 ,one day1 the river shall also talk to him1 he also is called upon40 ,vasudeva's smile flourished more warmly4 8,oh yes1 he too is called upon1 he too is of the eternal life4 ,but do we1 you and me1 know what he is called upon to do1 what path to take1 what actions to perform1 what pain to endure8 ,not a small one1 his pain will be2 after all1 his heart is proud and hard1 people like this have to suffer a lot1 err a lot1 do much injustice1 burden themselves with much sin4 ,tell me1 my dear3 you're not taking control of your son's upbringing8 ,you don't force him8 ,you don't beat him8 ,you don't punish him80 8,no1 ,vasudeva1 ,i don't do anything of this40 8,i knew it4 ,you don't force him1 don't beat him1 don't give him orders1 because you know that #8soft' is stronger than #8hard'1 water stronger than rocks1 love stronger than force4 ,very good1 ,i praise you4 ,but aren't you mistaken in thinking that you wouldn't force him1 wouldn't punish him8 ,don't you shackle him with your love8 ,don't you make him feel inferior every day1 and don't you make it even harder on him with your kindness and patience8 ,don't you force him1 the arrogant and pampered boy1 to live in a hut with two old banana-eaters1 to whom even rice is a delicacy1 whose thoughts can't be his1 whose hearts are old and quiet and beat in a different pace than his8 ,isn't he forced1 isn't he punished by all this80 ,troubled1 ,siddhartha looked to the ground4 ,quietly1 he asked3 8,what do you think should ,i do80 ,quoth ,vasudeva3 8,bring him into the city1 bring him into his mother's house1 there'll still be servants around1 give him to them4 ,and when there aren't any around any more1 bring him to a teacher1 not for the teachings' sake1 but so that he shall be among other boys1 and among girls1 and in the world which is his own4 ,have you never thought of this80 8,you're seeing into my heart10 ,siddhartha spoke sadly4 8,often1 ,i have thought of this4 ,but look1 how shall ,i put him1 who had no tender heart anyhow1 into this world8 ,won't he become exuberant1 won't he lose himself to pleasure and power1 won't he repeat all of his father's mistakes1 won't he perhaps get entirely lost in ,sansara80 ,brightly1 the ferryman's smile lit up2 softly1 he touched ,siddhartha's arm and said3 8,ask the river about it1 my friend6 ,hear it laugh about it6 ,would you actually believe that you had committed your foolish acts in order to spare your son from committing them too8 ,and could you in any way protect your son from ,sansara8 ,how could you8 ,by means of teachings1 prayer1 admonition8 ,my dear1 have you entirely forgotten that story1 that story containing so many lessons1 that story about ,siddhartha1 a ,brahman's son1 which you once told me here on this very spot8 ,who has kept the ,samana ,siddhartha safe from ,sansara1 from sin1 from greed1 from foolishness8 ,were his father's religious devotion1 his teacher's warnings1 his own knowledge1 his own search able to keep him safe8 ,which father1 which teacher had been able to protect him from living his life for himself1 from soiling himself with life1 from burdening himself with guilt1 from drinking the bitter drink for himself1 from finding his path for himself8 ,would you think1 my dear1 anybody might perhaps be spared from taking this path8 ,that perhaps your little son would be spared1 because you love him1 because you would like to keep him from suffering and pain and disappointment8 ,but even if you would die ten times for him1 you would not be able to take the slightest part of his destiny upon yourself40 ,never before1 ,vasudeva had spoken so many words4 ,kindly1 ,siddhartha thanked him1 went troubled into the hut1 could not sleep for a long time4 ,vasudeva had told him nothing he had not already thought and known for himself4 ,but this was a knowledge he could not act upon1 stronger than the knowledge was his love for the boy1 stronger was his tenderness1 his fear to lose him4 ,had he ever lost his heart so much to something1 had he ever loved any person thus1 thus blindly1 thus sufferingly1 thus unsuccessfully1 and yet thus happily8 ,siddhartha could not heed his friend's advice1 he could not give up the boy4 ,he let the boy give him orders1 he let him disregard him4 ,he said nothing and waited2 daily1 he began the mute struggle of friendliness1 the silent war of patience4 ,vasudeva also said nothing and waited1 friendly1 knowing1 patient4 ,they were both masters of patience4 ,at one time1 when the boy's face reminded him very much of ,kamala1 ,siddhartha suddenly had to think of a line which ,kamala a long time ago1 in the days of their youth1 had once said to him4 8,you cannot love10 she had said to him1 and he had agreed with her and had compared himself with a star1 while comparing the childlike people with falling leaves1 and nevertheless he had also sensed an accusation in that line4 ,indeed1 he had never been able to lose or devote himself completely to another person1 to forget himself1 to commit foolish acts for the love of another person2 never he had been able to do this1 and this was1 as it had seemed to him at that time1 the great distinction which set him apart from the childlike people4 ,but now1 since his son was here1 now he1 ,siddhartha1 had also become completely a childlike person1 suffering for the sake of another person1 loving another person1 lost to a love1 having become a fool on account of love4 ,now he too felt1 late1 once in his lifetime1 this strongest and strangest of all passions1 suffered from it1 suffered miserably1 and was nevertheless in bliss1 was nevertheless renewed in one respect1 enriched by one thing4 ,he did sense very well that this love1 this blind love for his son1 was a passion1 something very human1 that it was ,sansara1 a murky source1 dark waters4 ,nevertheless1 he felt at the same time1 it was not worthless1 it was necessary1 came from the essence of his own being4 ,this pleasure also had to be atoned for1 this pain also had to be endured1 these foolish acts also had to be committed4 ,through all this1 the son let him commit his foolish acts1 let him court for his affection1 let him humiliate himself every day by giving in to his moods4 ,this father had nothing which would have delighted him and nothing which he would have feared4 ,he was a good man1 this father1 a good1 kind1 soft man1 perhaps a very devout man1 perhaps a saint1 all these were no attributes which could win the boy over4 ,he was bored by this father1 who kept him prisoner here in this miserable hut of his1 he was bored by him1 and for him to answer every naughtiness with a smile1 every insult with friendliness1 every viciousness with kindness1 this very thing was the hated trick of this old sneak4 ,much more the boy would have liked it if he had been threatened by him1 if he had been abused by him4 ,a day came when what young ,siddhartha had on his mind came bursting forth1 and he openly turned against his father4 ,the latter had given him a task1 he had told him to gather brushwood4 ,but the boy did not leave the hut1 in stubborn disobedience and rage he stayed where he was1 thumped on the ground with his feet1 clenched his fists1 and screamed in a powerful outburst his hatred and contempt into his father's face4 8,get the brushwood for yourself60 he shouted1 foaming at the mouth1 8,i'm not your servant4 ,i do know that you won't hit me1 you don't dare2 ,i do know that you constantly want to punish me and put me down with your religious devotion and your indulgence4 ,you want me to become like you1 just as devout1 just as soft1 just as wise6 ,but ,i1 listen up1 just to make you suffer1 ,i rather want to become a highway-robber and murderer1 and go to hell1 than to become like you6 ,i hate you1 you're not my father1 and if you've ten times been my mother's fornicator60 ,rage and grief boiled over in him1 foamed at the father in a hundred savage and evil words4 ,then the boy ran away and only returned late at night4 ,but the next morning1 he had disappeared4 ,what had also disappeared was a small basket1 woven out of bast of two colours1 in which the ferrymen kept those copper and silver coins which they received as a fare4 ,the boat had also disappeared1 ,siddhartha saw it lying by the opposite bank4 ,the boy had run away4 8,i must follow him10 said ,siddhartha1 who had been shivering with grief since those ranting speeches the boy had made yesterday4 8,a child can't go through the forest all alone4 ,he'll perish4 ,we must build a raft1 ,vasudeva1 to get over the water40 8,we will build a raft10 said ,vasudeva1 8to get our boat back1 which the boy has taken away4 ,but him1 you shall let run along1 my friend1 he is no child any more1 he knows how to get around4 ,he's looking for the path to the city1 and he is right1 don't forget that4 ,he's doing what you've failed to do yourself4 ,he's taking care of himself1 he's taking his course4 ,alas1 ,siddhartha1 ,i see you suffering1 but you're suffering a pain at which one would like to laugh1 at which you'll soon laugh for yourself40 ,siddhartha did not answer4 ,he already held the axe in his hands and began to make a raft of bamboo1 and ,vasudeva helped him to tie the canes together with ropes of grass4 ,then they crossed over1 drifted far off their course1 pulled the raft upriver on the opposite bank4 8,why did you take the axe along80 asked ,siddhartha4 ,vasudeva said3 8,it might have been possible that the oar of our boat got lost40 ,but ,siddhartha knew what his friend was thinking4 ,he thought1 the boy would have thrown away or broken the oar in order to get even and in order to keep them from following him4 ,and in fact1 there was no oar left in the boat4 ,vasudeva pointed to the bottom of the boat and looked at his friend with a smile1 as if he wanted to say3 8,don't you see what your son is trying to tell you8 ,don't you see that he doesn't want to be followed80 ,but he did not say this in words4 ,he started making a new oar4 ,but ,siddhartha bid his farewell1 to look for the run-away4 ,vasudeva did not stop him4 ,when ,siddhartha had already been walking through the forest for a long time1 the thought occurred to him that his search was useless4 ,either1 so he thought1 the boy was far ahead and had already reached the city1 or1 if he should still be on his way1 he would conceal himself from him1 the pursuer4 ,as he continued thinking1 he also found that he1 on his part1 was not worried for his son1 that he knew deep inside that he had neither perished nor was in any danger in the forest4 ,nevertheless1 he ran without stopping1 no longer to save him1 just to satisfy his desire1 just to perhaps see him one more time4 ,and he ran up to just outside of the city4 ,when1 near the city1 he reached a wide road1 he stopped1 by the entrance of the beautiful pleasure-garden1 which used to belong to ,kamala1 where he had seen her for the first time in her sedan-chair4 ,the past rose up in his soul1 again he saw himself standing there1 young1 a bearded1 naked ,samana1 the hair full of dust4 ,for a long time1 ,siddhartha stood there and looked through the open gate into the garden1 seeing monks in yellow robes walking among the beautiful trees4 ,for a long time1 he stood there1 pondering1 seeing images1 listening to the story of his life4 ,for a long time1 he stood there1 looked at the monks1 saw young ,siddhartha in their place1 saw young ,kamala walking among the high trees4 ,clearly1 he saw himself being served food and drink by ,kamala1 receiving his first kiss from her1 looking proudly and disdainfully back on his ,brahmanism1 beginning proudly and full of desire his worldly life4 ,he saw ,kamaswami1 saw the servants1 the orgies1 the gamblers with the dice1 the musicians1 saw ,kamala's song-bird in the cage1 lived through all this once again1 breathed ,sansara1 was once again old and tired1 felt once again disgust1 felt once again the wish to annihilate himself1 was once again healed by the holy ,om4 ,after having been standing by the gate of the garden for a long time1 ,siddhartha realised that his desire was foolish1 which had made him go up to this place1 that he could not help his son1 that he was not allowed to cling to him4 ,deeply1 he felt the love for the run-away in his heart1 like a wound1 and he felt at the same time that this wound had not been given to him in order to turn the knife in it1 that it had to become a blossom and had to shine4 ,that this wound did not blossom yet1 did not shine yet1 at this hour1 made him sad4 ,instead of the desired goal1 which had drawn him here following the run-away son1 there was now emptiness4 ,sadly1 he sat down1 felt something dying in his heart1 experienced emptiness1 saw no joy any more1 no goal4 ,he sat lost in thought and waited4 ,this he had learned by the river1 this one thing3 waiting1 having patience1 listening attentively4 ,and he sat and listened1 in the dust of the road1 listened to his heart1 beating tiredly and sadly1 waited for a voice4 ,many an hour he crouched1 listening1 saw no images any more1 fell into emptiness1 let himself fall1 without seeing a path4 ,and when he felt the wound burning1 he silently spoke the ,om1 filled himself with ,om4 ,the monks in the garden saw him1 and since he crouched for many hours1 and dust was gathering on his gray hair1 one of them came to him and placed two bananas in front of him4 ,the old man did not see him4 ,from this petrified state1 he was awoken by a hand touching his shoulder4 ,instantly1 he recognised this touch1 this tender1 bashful touch1 and regained his senses4 ,he rose and greeted ,vasudeva1 who had followed him4 ,and when he looked into ,vasudeva's friendly face1 into the small wrinkles1 which were as if they were filled with nothing but his smile1 into the happy eyes1 then he smiled too4 ,now he saw the bananas lying in front of him1 picked them up1 gave one to the ferryman1 ate the other one himself4 ,after this1 he silently went back into the forest with ,vasudeva1 returned home to the ferry4 ,neither one talked about what had happened today1 neither one mentioned the boy's name1 neither one spoke about him running away1 neither one spoke about the wound4 ,in the hut1 ,siddhartha lay down on his bed1 and when after a while ,vasudeva came to him1 to offer him a bowl of coconut-milk1 he already found him asleep4 ,,om ,for a long time1 the wound continued to burn4 ,many a traveller ,siddhartha had to ferry across the river who was accompanied by a son or a daughter1 and he saw none of them without envying him1 without thinking3 8,so many1 so many thousands possess this sweetest of good fortunes--why don't ,i8 ,even bad people1 even thieves and robbers have children and love them1 and are being loved by them1 all except for me40 ,thus simply1 thus without reason he now thought1 thus similar to the childlike people he had become4 ,differently than before1 he now looked upon people1 less smart1 less proud1 but instead warmer1 more curious1 more involved4 ,when he ferried travellers of the ordinary kind1 childlike people1 businessmen1 warriors1 women1 these people did not seem alien to him as they used to3 he understood them1 he understood and shared their life1 which was not guided by thoughts and insight1 but solely by urges and wishes1 he felt like them4 ,though he was near perfection and was bearing his final wound1 it still seemed to him as if those childlike people were his brothers1 their vanities1 desires for possession1 and ridiculous aspects were no longer ridiculous to him1 became understandable1 became lovable1 even became worthy of veneration to him4 ,the blind love of a mother for her child1 the stupid1 blind pride of a conceited father for his only son1 the blind1 wild desire of a young1 vain woman for jewelry and admiring glances from men1 all of these urges1 all of this childish stuff1 all of these simple1 foolish1 but immensely strong1 strongly living1 strongly prevailing urges and desires were now no childish notions for ,siddhartha any more1 he saw people living for their sake1 saw them achieving infinitely much for their sake1 travelling1 conducting wars1 suffering infinitely much1 bearing infinitely much1 and he could love them for it1 he saw life1 that what is alive1 the indestructible1 the ,brahman in each of their passions1 each of their acts4 ,worthy of love and admiration were these people in their blind loyalty1 their blind strength and tenacity4 ,they lacked nothing1 there was nothing the knowledgeable one1 the thinker1 had to put him above them except for one little thing1 a single1 tiny1 small thing3 the consciousness1 the conscious thought of the oneness of all life4 ,and ,siddhartha even doubted in many an hour1 whether this knowledge1 this thought was to be valued thus highly1 whether it might not also perhaps be a childish idea of the thinking people1 of the thinking and childlike people4 ,in all other respects1 the worldly people were of equal rank to the wise men1 were often far superior to them1 just as animals too can1 after all1 in some moments1 seem to be superior to humans in their tough1 unrelenting performance of what is necessary4 ,slowly blossomed1 slowly ripened in ,siddhartha the realisation1 the knowledge1 what wisdom actually was1 what the goal of his long search was4 ,it was nothing but a readiness of the soul1 an ability1 a secret art1 to think every moment1 while living his life1 the thought of oneness1 to be able to feel and inhale the oneness4 ,slowly this blossomed in him1 was shining back at him from ,vasudeva's old1 childlike face3 harmony1 knowledge of the eternal perfection of the world1 smiling1 oneness4 ,but the wound still burned1 longingly and bitterly ,siddhartha thought of his son1 nurtured his love and tenderness in his heart1 allowed the pain to gnaw at him1 committed all foolish acts of love4 ,not by itself1 this flame would go out4 ,and one day1 when the wound burned violently1 ,siddhartha ferried across the river1 driven by a yearning1 got off the boat and was willing to go to the city and to look for his son4 ,the river flowed softly and quietly1 it was the dry season1 but its voice sounded strange3 it laughed6 ,it laughed clearly4 ,the river laughed1 it laughed brightly and clearly at the old ferryman4 ,siddhartha stopped1 he bent over the water1 in order to hear even better1 and he saw his face reflected in the quietly moving waters1 and in this reflected face there was something1 which reminded him1 something he had forgotten1 and as he thought about it1 he found it3 this face resembled another face1 which he used to know and love and also fear4 ,it resembled his father's face1 the ,brahman4 ,and he remembered how he1 a long time ago1 as a young man1 had forced his father to let him go to the penitents1 how he had bid his farewell to him1 how he had gone and had never come back4 ,had his father not also suffered the same pain for him1 which he now suffered for his son8 ,had his father not long since died1 alone1 without having seen his son again8 ,did he not have to expect the same fate for himself8 ,was it not a comedy1 a strange and stupid matter1 this repetition1 this running around in a fateful circle8 ,the river laughed4 ,yes1 so it was1 everything came back1 which had not been suffered and solved up to its end1 the same pain was suffered over and over again4 ,but ,siddhartha went back into the boat and ferried back to the hut1 thinking of his father1 thinking of his son1 laughed at by the river1 at odds with himself1 tending towards despair1 and not less tending towards laughing along at himself and the entire world4 ,alas1 the wound was not blossoming yet1 his heart was still fighting his fate1 cheerfulness and victory were not yet shining from his suffering4 ,nevertheless1 he felt hope1 and once he had returned to the hut1 he felt an undefeatable desire to open up to ,vasudeva1 to show him everything1 the master of listening1 to say everything4 ,vasudeva was sitting in the hut and weaving a basket4 ,he no longer used the ferry-boat1 his eyes were starting to get weak1 and not just his eyes2 his arms and hands as well4 ,unchanged and flourishing was only the joy and the cheerful benevolence of his face4 ,siddhartha sat down next to the old man1 slowly he started talking4 ,what they had never talked about1 he now told him of1 of his walk to the city1 at that time1 of the burning wound1 of his envy at the sight of happy fathers1 of his knowledge of the foolishness of such wishes1 of his futile fight against them4 ,he reported everything1 he was able to say everything1 even the most embarrassing parts1 everything could be said1 everything shown1 everything he could tell4 ,he presented his wound1 also told how he fled today1 how he ferried across the water1 a childish run-away1 willing to walk to the city1 how the river had laughed4 ,while he spoke1 spoke for a long time1 while ,vasudeva was listening with a quiet face1 ,vasudeva's listening gave ,siddhartha a stronger sensation than ever before1 he sensed how his pain1 his fears flowed over to him1 how his secret hope flowed over1 came back at him from his counterpart4 ,to show his wound to this listener was the same as bathing it in the river1 until it had cooled and become one with the river4 ,while he was still speaking1 still admitting and confessing1 ,siddhartha felt more and more that this was no longer ,vasudeva1 no longer a human being who was listening to him1 that this motionless listener was absorbing his confession into himself like a tree the rain1 that this motionless man was the river itself1 that he was ,god himself1 that he was the eternal itself4 ,and while ,siddhartha stopped thinking of himself and his wound1 this realisation of ,vasudeva's changed character took possession of him1 and the more he felt it and entered into it1 the less wondrous it became1 the more he realised that everything was in order and natural1 that ,vasudeva had already been like this for a long time1 almost forever1 that only he had not quite recognised it1 yes1 that he himself had almost reached the same state4 ,he felt1 that he was now seeing old ,vasudeva as the people see the gods1 and that this could not last2 in his heart1 he started bidding his farewell to ,vasudeva4 ,throughout all this1 he talked incessantly4 ,when he had finished talking1 ,vasudeva turned his friendly eyes1 which had grown slightly weak1 at him1 said nothing1 let his silent love and cheerfulness1 understanding and knowledge1 shine at him4 ,he took ,siddhartha's hand1 led him to the seat by the bank1 sat down with him1 smiled at the river4 8,you've heard it laugh10 he said4 8,but you haven't heard everything4 ,let's listen1 you'll hear more40 ,they listened4 ,softly sounded the river1 singing in many voices4 ,siddhartha looked into the water1 and images appeared to him in the moving water3 his father appeared1 lonely1 mourning for his son2 he himself appeared1 lonely1 he also being tied with the bondage of yearning to his distant son2 his son appeared1 lonely as well1 the boy1 greedily rushing along the burning course of his young wishes1 each one heading for his goal1 each one obsessed by the goal1 each one suffering4 ,the river sang with a voice of suffering1 longingly it sang1 longingly1 it flowed towards its goal1 lamentingly its voice sang4 8,do you hear80 ,vasudeva's mute gaze asked4 ,siddhartha nodded4 8,listen better60 ,vasudeva whispered4 ,siddhartha made an effort to listen better4 ,the image of his father1 his own image1 the image of his son merged1 ,kamala's image also appeared and was dispersed1 and the image of ,govinda1 and other images1 and they merged with each other1 turned all into the river1 headed all1 being the river1 for the goal1 longing1 desiring1 suffering1 and the river's voice sounded full of yearning1 full of burning woe1 full of unsatisfiable desire4 ,for the goal1 the river was heading1 ,siddhartha saw it hurrying1 the river1 which consisted of him and his loved ones and of all people he had ever seen1 all of these waves and waters were hurrying1 suffering1 towards goals1 many goals1 the waterfall1 the lake1 the rapids1 the sea1 and all goals were reached1 and every goal was followed by a new one1 and the water turned into vapour and rose to the sky1 turned into rain and poured down from the sky1 turned into a source1 a stream1 a river1 headed forward once again1 flowed on once again4 ,but the longing voice had changed4 ,it still resounded1 full of suffering1 searching1 but other voices joined it1 voices of joy and of suffering1 good and bad voices1 laughing and sad ones1 a hundred voices1 a thousand voices4 ,siddhartha listened4 ,he was now nothing but a listener1 completely concentrated on listening1 completely empty1 he felt1 that he had now finished learning to listen4 ,often before1 he had heard all this1 these many voices in the river1 today it sounded new4 ,already1 he could no longer tell the many voices apart1 not the happy ones from the weeping ones1 not the ones of children from those of men1 they all belonged together1 the lamentation of yearning and the laughter of the knowledgeable one1 the scream of rage and the moaning of the dying ones1 everything was one1 everything was intertwined and connected1 entangled a thousand times4 ,and everything together1 all voices1 all goals1 all yearning1 all suffering1 all pleasure1 all that was good and evil1 all of this together was the world4 ,all of it together was the flow of events1 was the music of life4 ,and when ,siddhartha was listening attentively to this river1 this song of a thousand voices1 when he neither listened to the suffering nor the laughter1 when he did not tie his soul to any particular voice and submerged his self into it1 but when he heard them all1 perceived the whole1 the oneness1 then the great song of the thousand voices consisted of a single word1 which was ,om3 the perfection4 8,do you hear10 ,vasudeva's gaze asked again4 ,brightly1 ,vasudeva's smile was shining1 floating radiantly over all the wrinkles of his old face1 as the ,om was floating in the air over all the voices of the river4 ,brightly his smile was shining1 when he looked at his friend1 and brightly the same smile was now starting to shine on ,siddhartha's face as well4 ,his wound blossomed1 his suffering was shining1 his self had flown into the oneness4 ,in this hour1 ,siddhartha stopped fighting his fate1 stopped suffering4 ,on his face flourished the cheerfulness of a knowledge1 which is no longer opposed by any will1 which knows perfection1 which is in agreement with the flow of events1 with the current of life1 full of sympathy for the pain of others1 full of sympathy for the pleasure of others1 devoted to the flow1 belonging to the oneness4 ,when ,vasudeva rose from the seat by the bank1 when he looked into ,siddhartha's eyes and saw the cheerfulness of the knowledge shining in them1 he softly touched his shoulder with his hand1 in this careful and tender manner1 and said3 8,i've been waiting for this hour1 my dear4 ,now that it has come1 let me leave4 ,for a long time1 ,i've been waiting for this hour2 for a long time1 ,i've been ,vasudeva the ferryman4 ,now it's enough4 ,farewell1 but1 farewell1 river1 farewell1 ,siddhartha60 ,siddhartha made a deep bow before him who bid his farewell4 8,i've known it10 he said quietly4 8,you'll go into the forests80 8,i'm going into the forests1 ,i'm going into the oneness10 spoke ,vasudeva with a bright smile4 ,with a bright smile1 he left2 ,siddhartha watched him leaving4 ,with deep joy1 with deep solemnity he watched him leave1 saw his steps full of peace1 saw his head full of lustre1 saw his body full of light4 ,,govinda ,together with other monks1 ,govinda used to spend the time of rest between pilgrimages in the pleasure-grove1 which the courtesan ,kamala had given to the followers of ,gotama for a gift4 ,he heard talk of an old ferryman1 who lived one day's journey away by the river1 and who was regarded as a wise man by many4 ,when ,govinda went back on his way1 he chose the path to the ferry1 eager to see the ferryman4 ,because1 though he had lived his entire life by the rules1 though he was also looked upon with veneration by the younger monks on account of his age and his modesty1 the restlessness and the searching still had not perished from his heart4 ,he came to the river and asked the old man to ferry him over1 and when they got off the boat on the other side1 he said to the old man3 8,you're very good to us monks and pilgrims1 you have already ferried many of us across the river4 ,aren't you too1 ferryman1 a searcher for the right path80 ,quoth ,siddhartha1 smiling from his old eyes3 8,do you call yourself a searcher1 oh venerable one1 though you are already well on in years and are wearing the robe of ,gotama's monks80 8,it's true1 ,i'm old10 spoke ,govinda1 8but ,i haven't stopped searching4 ,never ,i'll stop searching1 this seems to be my destiny4 ,you too1 so it seems to me1 have been searching4 ,would you like to tell me something1 oh honourable one80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,what should ,i possibly have to tell you1 oh venerable one8 ,perhaps that you're searching far too much8 ,that in all that searching1 you don't find the time for finding80 8,how come80 asked ,govinda4 8,when someone is searching10 said ,siddhartha1 8then it might easily happen that the only thing his eyes still see is that what he searches for1 that he is unable to find anything1 to let anything enter his mind1 because he always thinks of nothing but the object of his search1 because he has a goal1 because he is obsessed by the goal4 ,searching means3 having a goal4 ,but finding means3 being free1 being open1 having no goal4 ,you1 oh venerable one1 are perhaps indeed a searcher1 because1 striving for your goal1 there are many things you don't see1 which are directly in front of your eyes40 8,i don't quite understand yet10 asked ,govinda1 8what do you mean by this80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,a long time ago1 oh venerable one1 many years ago1 you've once before been at this river and have found a sleeping man by the river1 and have sat down with him to guard his sleep4 ,but1 oh ,govinda1 you did not recognise the sleeping man40 ,astonished1 as if he had been the object of a magic spell1 the monk looked into the ferryman's eyes4 8,are you ,siddhartha80 he asked with a timid voice4 8,i wouldn't have recognised you this time as well6 ,from my heart1 ,i'm greeting you1 ,siddhartha2 from my heart1 ,i'm happy to see you once again6 ,you've changed a lot1 my friend4--,and so you've now become a ferryman80 ,in a friendly manner1 ,siddhartha laughed4 8,a ferryman1 yes4 ,many people1 ,govinda1 have to change a lot1 have to wear many a robe1 ,i am one of those1 my dear4 ,be welcome1 ,govinda1 and spend the night in my hut40 ,govinda stayed the night in the hut and slept on the bed which used to be ,vasudeva's bed4 ,many questions he posed to the friend of his youth1 many things ,siddhartha had to tell him from his life4 ,when in the next morning the time had come to start the day's journey1 ,govinda said1 not without hesitation1 these words3 8,before ,i'll continue on my path1 ,siddhartha1 permit me to ask one more question4 ,do you have a teaching8 ,do you have a faith or a knowledge you follow1 which helps you to live and to do right80 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,you know1 my dear1 that ,i already as a young man1 in those days when we lived with the penitents in the forest1 started to distrust teachers and teachings and to turn my back to them4 ,i have stuck with this4 ,nevertheless1 ,i have had many teachers since then4 ,a beautiful courtesan has been my teacher for a long time1 and a rich merchant was my teacher1 and some gamblers with dice4 ,once1 even a follower of ,buddha1 travelling on foot1 has been my teacher2 he sat with me when ,i had fallen asleep in the forest1 on the pilgrimage4 ,i've also learned from him1 ,i'm also grateful to him1 very grateful4 ,but most of all1 ,i have learned here from this river and from my predecessor1 the ferryman ,vasudeva4 ,he was a very simple person1 ,vasudeva1 he was no thinker1 but he knew what is necessary just as well as ,gotama1 he was a perfect man1 a saint40 ,govinda said3 8,still1 oh ,siddhartha1 you love a bit to mock people1 as it seems to me4 ,i believe in you and know that you haven't followed a teacher4 ,but haven't you found something by yourself1 though you've found no teachings1 you still found certain thoughts1 certain insights1 which are your own and which help you to live8 ,if you would like to tell me some of these1 you would delight my heart40 ,quoth ,siddhartha3 8,i've had thoughts1 yes1 and insight1 again and again4 ,sometimes1 for an hour or for an entire day1 ,i have felt knowledge in me1 as one would feel life in one's heart4 ,there have been many thoughts1 but it would be hard for me to convey them to you4 ,look1 my dear ,govinda1 this is one of my thoughts1 which ,i have found3 wisdom cannot be passed on4 ,wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness40 8,are you kidding80 asked ,govinda4 8,i'm not kidding4 ,i'm telling you what ,i've found4 ,knowledge can be conveyed1 but not wisdom4 ,it can be found1 it can be lived1 it is possible to be carried by it1 miracles can be performed with it1 but it cannot be expressed in words and taught4 ,this was what ,i1 even as a young man1 sometimes suspected1 what has driven me away from the teachers4 ,i have found a thought1 ,govinda1 which you'll again regard as a joke or foolishness1 but which is my best thought4 ,it says3 ,the opposite of every truth is just as true6 ,that's like this3 any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided4 ,everything is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words1 it's all one-sided1 all just one half1 all lacks completeness1 roundness1 oneness4 ,when the exalted ,gotama spoke in his teachings of the world1 he had to divide it into ,sansara and ,nirvana1 into deception and truth1 into suffering and salvation4 ,it cannot be done differently1 there is no other way for him who wants to teach4 ,but the world itself1 what exists around us and inside of us1 is never one-sided4 ,a person or an act is never entirely ,sansara or entirely ,nirvana1 a person is never entirely holy or entirely sinful4 ,it does really seem like this1 because we are subject to deception1 as if time was something real4 ,time is not real1 ,govinda1 ,i have experienced this often and often again4 ,and if time is not real1 then the gap which seems to be between the world and the eternity1 between suffering and blissfulness1 between evil and good1 is also a deception40 8,how come80 asked ,govinda timidly4 8,listen well1 my dear1 listen well6 ,the sinner1 which ,i am and which you are1 is a sinner1 but in times to come he will be ,brahma again1 he will reach the ,nirvana1 will be ,buddha--and now see3 these #8times to come' are a deception1 are only a parable6 ,the sinner is not on his way to become a ,buddha1 he is not in the process of developing1 though our capacity for thinking does not know how else to picture these things4 ,no1 within the sinner is now and today already the future ,buddha1 his future is already all there1 you have to worship in him1 in you1 in everyone the ,buddha which is coming into being1 the possible1 the hidden ,buddha4 ,the world1 my friend ,govinda1 is not imperfect1 or on a slow path towards perfection3 no1 it is perfect in every moment1 all sin already carries the divine forgiveness in itself1 all small children already have the old person in themselves1 all infants already have death1 all dying people the eternal life4 ,it is not possible for any person to see how far another one has already progressed on his path2 in the robber and dice-gambler1 the ,buddha is waiting2 in the ,brahman1 the robber is waiting4 ,in deep meditation1 there is the possibility to put time out of existence1 to see all life which was1 is1 and will be as if it was simultaneous1 and there everything is good1 everything is perfect1 everything is ,brahman4 ,therefore1 ,i see whatever exists as good1 death is to me like life1 sin like holiness1 wisdom like foolishness1 everything has to be as it is1 everything only requires my consent1 only my willingness1 my loving agreement1 to be good for me1 to do nothing but work for my benefit1 to be unable to ever harm me4 ,i have experienced on my body and on my soul that ,i needed sin very much1 ,i needed lust1 the desire for possessions1 vanity1 and needed the most shameful despair1 in order to learn how to give up all resistance1 in order to learn how to love the world1 in order to stop comparing it to some world ,i wished1 ,i imagined1 some kind of perfection ,i had made up1 but to leave it as it is and to love it and to enjoy being a part of it4--,these1 oh ,govinda1 are some of the thoughts which have come into my mind40 ,siddhartha bent down1 picked up a stone from the ground1 and weighed it in his hand4 8,this here10 he said playing with it1 8is a stone1 and will1 after a certain time1 perhaps turn into soil1 and will turn from soil into a plant or animal or human being4 ,in the past1 ,i would have said3 ,this stone is just a stone1 it is worthless1 it belongs to the world of the ,maya2 but because it might be able to become also a human being and a spirit in the cycle of transformations1 therefore ,i also grant it importance4 ,thus1 ,i would perhaps have thought in the past4 ,but today ,i think3 this stone is a stone1 it is also animal1 it is also god1 it is also ,buddha1 ,i do not venerate and love it because it could turn into this or that1 but rather because it is already and always everything--and it is this very fact1 that it is a stone1 that it appears to me now and today as a stone1 this is why ,i love it and see worth and purpose in each of its veins and cavities1 in the yellow1 in the gray1 in the hardness1 in the sound it makes when ,i knock at it1 in the dryness or wetness of its surface4 ,there are stones which feel like oil or soap1 and others like leaves1 others like sand1 and every one is special and prays the ,om in its own way1 each one is ,brahman1 but simultaneously and just as much it is a stone1 is oily or juicy1 and this is the very fact which ,i like and regard as wonderful and worthy of worship4--,but let me speak no more of this4 ,the words are not good for the secret meaning1 everything always becomes a bit different1 as soon as it is put into words1 gets distorted a bit1 a bit silly--yes1 and this is also very good1 and ,i like it a lot1 ,i also very much agree with this1 that this what is one man's treasure and wisdom always sounds like foolishness to another person40 ,govinda listened silently4 8,why have you told me this about the stone80 he asked hesitantly after a pause4 8,i did it without any specific intention4 ,or perhaps what ,i meant was1 that ,i love this very stone1 and the river1 and all these things we are looking at and from which we can learn4 ,i can love a stone1 ,govinda1 and also a tree or a piece of bark4 ,these are things1 and things can be loved4 ,but ,i cannot love words4 ,therefore1 teachings are no good for me1 they have no hardness1 no softness1 no colours1 no edges1 no smell1 no taste1 they have nothing but words4 ,perhaps it is these which keep you from finding peace1 perhaps it is the many words4 ,because salvation and virtue as well1 ,sansara and ,nirvana as well1 are mere words1 ,govinda4 ,there is no thing which would be ,nirvana2 there is just the word ,nirvana40 ,quoth ,govinda3 8,not just a word1 my friend1 is ,nirvana4 ,it is a thought40 ,siddhartha continued3 8,a thought1 it might be so4 ,i must confess to you1 my dear3 ,i don't differentiate much between thoughts and words4 ,to be honest1 ,i also have no high opinion of thoughts4 ,i have a better opinion of things4 ,here on this ferry-boat1 for instance1 a man has been my predecessor and teacher1 a holy man1 who has for many years simply believed in the river1 nothing else4 ,he had noticed that the river spoke to him1 he learned from it1 it educated and taught him1 the river seemed to be a god to him1 for many years he did not know that every wind1 every cloud1 every bird1 every beetle was just as divine and knows just as much and can teach just as much as the worshipped river4 ,but when this holy man went into the forests1 he knew everything1 knew more than you and me1 without teachers1 without books1 only because he had believed in the river40 ,govinda said3 8,but is that what you call #8things'1 actually something real1 something which has existence8 ,isn't it just a deception of the ,maya1 just an image and illusion8 ,your stone1 your tree1 your river--are they actually a reality80 8,this too10 spoke ,siddhartha1 8,i do not care very much about4 ,let the things be illusions or not1 after all ,i would then also be an illusion1 and thus they are always like me4 ,this is what makes them so dear and worthy of veneration for me3 they are like me4 ,therefore1 ,i can love them4 ,and this is now a teaching you will laugh about3 love1 oh ,govinda1 seems to me to be the most important thing of all4 ,to thoroughly understand the world1 to explain it1 to despise it1 may be the thing great thinkers do4 ,but ,i'm only interested in being able to love the world1 not to despise it1 not to hate it and me1 to be able to look upon it and me and all beings with love and admiration and great respect40 8,this ,i understand10 spoke ,govinda4 8,but this very thing was discovered by the exalted one to be a deception4 ,he commands benevolence1 clemency1 sympathy1 tolerance1 but not love2 he forbade us to tie our heart in love to earthly things40 8,i know it10 said ,siddhartha2 his smile shone golden4 8,i know it1 ,govinda4 ,and behold1 with this we are right in the middle of the thicket of opinions1 in the dispute about words4 ,for ,i cannot deny1 my words of love are in a contradiction1 a seeming contradiction with ,gotama's words4 ,for this very reason1 ,i distrust in words so much1 for ,i know1 this contradiction is a deception4 ,i know that ,i am in agreement with ,gotama4 ,how should he not know love1 he1 who has discovered all elements of human existence in their transitoriness1 in their meaninglessness1 and yet loved people thus much1 to use a long1 laborious life only to help them1 to teach them6 ,even with him1 even with your great teacher1 ,i prefer the thing over the words1 place more importance on his acts and life than on his speeches1 more on the gestures of his hand than his opinions4 ,not in his speech1 not in his thoughts1 ,i see his greatness1 only in his actions1 in his life40 ,for a long time1 the two old men said nothing4 ,then spoke ,govinda1 while bowing for a farewell3 8,i thank you1 ,siddhartha1 for telling me some of your thoughts4 ,they are partially strange thoughts1 not all have been instantly understandable to me4 ,this being as it may1 ,i thank you1 and ,i wish you to have calm days40 7,but secretly he thought to himself3 ,this ,siddhartha is a bizarre person1 he expresses bizarre thoughts1 his teachings sound foolish4 ,so differently sound the exalted one's pure teachings1 clearer1 purer1 more comprehensible1 nothing strange1 foolish1 or silly is contained in them4 ,but different from his thoughts seemed to me ,siddhartha's hands and feet1 his eyes1 his forehead1 his breath1 his smile1 his greeting1 his walk4 ,never again1 after our exalted ,gotama has become one with the ,nirvana1 never since then have ,i met a person of whom ,i felt3 this is a holy man6 ,only him1 this ,siddhartha1 ,i have found to be like this4 ,may his teachings be strange1 may his words sound foolish2 out of his gaze and his hand1 his skin and his hair1 out of every part of him shines a purity1 shines a calmness1 shines a cheerfulness and mildness and holiness1 which ,i have seen in no other person since the final death of our exalted teacher47 ,as ,govinda thought like this1 and there was a conflict in his heart1 he once again bowed to ,siddhartha1 drawn by love4 ,deeply he bowed to him who was calmly sitting4 8,siddhartha10 he spoke1 8we have become old men4 ,it is unlikely for one of us to see the other again in this incarnation4 ,i see1 beloved1 that you have found peace4 ,i confess that ,i haven't found it4 ,tell me1 oh honourable one1 one more word1 give me something on my way which ,i can grasp1 which ,i can understand6 ,give me something to be with me on my path4 ,it is often hard1 my path1 often dark1 ,siddhartha40 ,siddhartha said nothing and looked at him with the ever unchanged1 quiet smile4 ,govinda stared at his face1 with fear1 with yearning1 suffering1 and the eternal search was visible in his look1 eternal not-finding4 ,siddhartha saw it and smiled4 8,bend down to me60 he whispered quietly in ,govinda's ear4 8,bend down to me6 ,like this1 even closer6 ,very close6 ,kiss my forehead1 ,govinda60 ,but while ,govinda with astonishment1 and yet drawn by great love and expectation1 obeyed his words1 bent down closely to him and touched his forehead with his lips1 something miraculous happened to him4 ,while his thoughts were still dwelling on ,siddhartha's wondrous words1 while he was still struggling in vain and with reluctance to think away time1 to imagine ,nirvana and ,sansara as one1 while even a certain contempt for the words of his friend was fighting in him against an immense love and veneration1 this happened to him3 ,he no longer saw the face of his friend ,siddhartha1 instead he saw other faces1 many1 a long sequence1 a flowing river of faces1 of hundreds1 of thousands1 which all came and disappeared1 and yet all seemed to be there simultaneously1 which all constantly changed and renewed themselves1 and which were still all ,siddhartha4 ,he saw the face of a fish1 a carp1 with an infinitely painfully opened mouth1 the face of a dying fish1 with fading eyes--he saw the face of a new-born child1 red and full of wrinkles1 distorted from crying--he saw the face of a murderer1 he saw him plunging a knife into the body of another person--he saw1 in the same second1 this criminal in bondage1 kneeling and his head being chopped off by the executioner with one blow of his sword--he saw the bodies of men and women1 naked in positions and cramps of frenzied love--he saw corpses stretched out1 motionless1 cold1 void--he saw the heads of animals1 of boars1 of crocodiles1 of elephants1 of bulls1 of birds--he saw gods1 saw ,krishna1 saw ,agni--he saw all of these figures and faces in a thousand relationships with one another1 each one helping the other1 loving it1 hating it1 destroying it1 giving re-birth to it1 each one was a will to die1 a passionately painful confession of transitoriness1 and yet none of them died1 each one only transformed1 was always reborn1 received evermore a new face1 without any time having passed between the one and the other face--and all of these figures and faces rested1 flowed1 generated themselves1 floated along and merged with each other1 and they were all constantly covered by something thin1 without individuality of its own1 but yet existing1 like a thin glass or ice1 like a transparent skin1 a shell or mold or mask of water1 and this mask was smiling1 and this mask was ,siddhartha's smiling face1 which he1 ,govinda1 in this very same moment touched with his lips4 ,and1 ,govinda saw it like this1 this smile of the mask1 this smile of oneness above the flowing forms1 this smile of simultaneousness above the thousand births and deaths1 this smile of ,siddhartha was precisely the same1 was precisely of the same kind as the quiet1 delicate1 impenetrable1 perhaps benevolent1 perhaps mocking1 wise1 thousand-fold smile of ,gotama1 the ,buddha1 as he had seen it himself with great respect a hundred times4 ,like this1 ,govinda knew1 the perfected ones are smiling4 ,not knowing any more whether time existed1 whether the vision had lasted a second or a hundred years1 not knowing any more whether there existed a ,siddhartha1 a ,gotama1 a me and a you1 feeling in his innermost self as if he had been wounded by a divine arrow1 the injury of which tasted sweet1 being enchanted and dissolved in his innermost self1 ,govinda still stood for a little while bent over ,siddhartha's quiet face1 which he had just kissed1 which had just been the scene of all manifestations1 all transformations1 all existence4 ,the face was unchanged1 after under its surface the depth of the thousand-foldness had closed up again1 he smiled silently1 smiled quietly and softly1 perhaps very benevolently1 perhaps very mockingly1 precisely as he used to smile1 the exalted one4 ,deeply1 ,govinda bowed2 tears he knew nothing of1 ran down his old face2 like a fire burned the feeling of the most intimate love1 the humblest veneration in his heart4 ,deeply1 he bowed1 touching the ground1 before him who was sitting motionlessly1 whose smile reminded him of everything he had ever loved in his life1 what had ever been valuable and holy to him in his life4