,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,to-,,day ,,handbooks ,,by ,,edith ,b4 ,,ordway ,the ,handbook of ,conundrums #abmo1 cloth #a4be net ,the ,handbook of ,quotations #abmo1 cloth #a4be net ,the ,etiquette of ,to-day #abmo1 cloth #a4be net ,handbook of the ,operas ,new and ,enlarged ,edition #abmo1 cloth #a4ej net ,full paste1 grain leather #c4jj net ,synonyms and ,antonyms #abmo1 cloth #a4ej net ,,george ,,sully ,,company ,,new ,,york ,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,to-,,day ,,revised ,,and ,,enlarged ,,by ,,edith ,b4 ,,ordway ,author of ,the ,opera ,book1 etc4 ,,new ,,york ,,george ,,sully ,,and ,,company ,copyright1 #aiah ,,by ,,sully ,,and ,,kleinteich 99 99 99 99 99 ,revised ,edition1 ,copyright1 #aibj ,,by ,,george ,,sully ,,and ,,company ,all rights reserved ,,printed ,,in ,u4 ,s4 ,a4 ,,preface ,,the customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to new needs4 ,they are customs because they are the best rules of conduct that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations under common conditions4 ,to know them1 to catch their spirit1 and to follow them in an intelligent way1 without slavish punctiliousness but with careful observance1 make one skillful in the art of social intercourse1 and at home in any society4 ,etiquette will not take the place of character1 nor of an accurate knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life4 ,given these1 however1 it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and profit and real happiness which1 without it1 would have remained forever closed4 ,e4 ,b4 ,o4 ,we feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct ourselves4 ,t4 ,l4 ,,nichols ,,contents ,,chapter ,,page ,i4 ,the ,rewards of ,etiquette #a ,,ii4 ,personality #f ,,iii4 ,family ,etiquette #bj ,obligations of the ,married #bj ,general ,rules of ,conduct #bf ,table ,etiquette #cc ,anniversaries #dj ,the ,giving of ,presents #da ,intimate ,friends #db ,illness in the ,home #dd ,courtesy to ,servants #de ,,iv4 ,conversation and ,correspondence #dh ,the ,art of ,conversation #dh ,correspondence #eb ,paper #ee ,ink #eh ,handwriting #eh ,sealing1 ,stamping1 and ,directing of ,envelopes #ei ,salutation1 ,conclusion1 and ,signature of ,letters #ff ,letters of ,introduction #gj ,letters of ,recommendation #gc ,third-person ,letters #gd ,informal ,invitations and ,announcements #gd ,letters of ,condolence #ge ,answering ,letters #gf ,v4 ,casual ,meetings and ,calls #gh ,greetings and ,recognitions #gh ,introductions #hd ,calls #ij ,social ,calls of ,men #ib ,first ,calls #id ,,vi4 ,the ,personal ,card and the ,engraved ,invitation #if ,form of ,card #if ,inscription #ig ,titles #ajj ,use #ajb ,the ,engraved ,invitation #aje ,dining and ,party ,invitations #ajh ,wedding ,invitations and ,announcements #aad ,various ,announcement ,cards #aai ,,vii4 ,behavior in ,public #abb ,,viii4 ,the ,art of ,being a ,guest #acg ,,ix4 ,duties of ,host and ,hostess #ade ,breakfasts and ,luncheons #adh ,the ,formal ,dinner #adi ,visits #aeh ,special ,duties of the ,country ,hostess #afa ,public ,functions #afe ,x4 ,duties of the ,chaperon #afi ,,xi4 ,etiquette of the ,marriage ,engagement #agd ,the ,proposal #agd ,announcement of ,engagement #agi ,bridal ,showers #aha ,the ,broken ,engagement #ahc ,preparation for a ,wedding #ahe ,,xii4 ,the ,conduct of a ,wedding #aid ,the ,church ,wedding #aid ,the ,home ,wedding #bja ,the ,wedding ,breakfast #bjd ,the ,wedding ,journey #bjh ,the ,wedding ,fee #bjh ,wedding ,presents #baj ,the ,country ,wedding #bab ,,xiii4 ,etiquette for ,children #bad ,,xiv4 ,etiquette of ,mourning #bbd ,,xv4 ,military1 ,naval1 and ,flag ,etiquette #bca ,the ,formal ,military ,wedding #bca ,naval and ,yachting ,usage #bcb ,etiquette of the ,flag #bcc ,,index #bcg ,,the secret of success in society is a certain heartiness and sympathy4 ,a man who is not happy in the company cannot find any word in his memory that will fit the occasion4 ,all his information is a little impertinent4 ,a man who is happy there finds in every turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for the introduction of that which he has to say4 ,the favorites of society1 and what it calls whole souls1 are able men1 and of more spirit than wit1 who have no uncomfortable egoism1 but who exactly fill the hour and the company1 contented and contenting1 at a marriage or a funeral1 a ball or a jury1 a water party or a shooting match4 ,emerson4 ,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,to-,,day ,,chapter ,i ,,the ,,rewards ,,of ,,etiquette ,,society is a game which all men play4 ,etiquette is the name given the rules of the game4 ,if you play it well1 you win4 ,if you play it ill1 you lose4 ,the prize is a certain sort of happiness without which no human being is ever quite satisfied4 ,because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human nature1 the game has to be played quite seriously4 ,if played seriously1 it is perforce successful1 even when the outward signs of triumph are lacking4 ,played seriously1 it becomes a worthy part of the great enterprise of noble living1 the science of which is called ,ethics4 ,therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the fundamental principles of ethics4 ,the etiquette1 as well as the ethics1 of to-day may well be summed up in the one maxim known as the ,golden ,rule3 ,do unto others as you would that others should do unto you4 ,or in the philosophic statement of it1 given by ,kant3 ,act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be fit to be universal law4 ,a certain social sense is1 therefore1 the foundation upon which all concerted action rests2 and this1 permeating the character and winning conformity in the life1 produces a social order which is at once the criterion of civilization and the source of its power4 ,every social code presupposes the trained personality1 that is1 the individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform to the rules prescribed for the good of all4 ,it is only in the common good that true individual good can be found4 ,therefore is it so essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as his own1 and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances1 limited in the indulgence of even legitimate desires1 in order that he may not defraud another1 or menace the general well-being4 ,not only in social life1 but in business1 politics1 and international relations1 this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal1 the supreme authority for conduct1 holds good4 ,to it society approaches1 now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction1 but ever with a higher evaluation of justice4 ,this is shown in the fulfillment of both small and large obligations4 ,following the rules of courtesy1 men give to each other that deference which each believes is his own due1 and each receives in return twofold the deference that he sincerely gives4 ,men show1 at home and abroad1 the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to those of their family1 and thereby the standard of respect for woman is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a woman to pass unaccosted1 if it is necessary for her to go unattended4 ,rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good breeding1 endeavoring to make of ourselves all that ,nature will permit2 and we are surprised to find that ,nature's own gentlemen and gentlewomen gather about us1 and rare souls look to us for companionship1 as finding in us kindred spirits4 ,no field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds of good-will and consideration for others4 ,etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire1--to make clear the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy minds1--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that is hidden there4 ,without it1 as social beings1 we should be as workmen without tools1 architects without material1 musicians without instruments4 ,after all1 however1 etiquette is only a tool1 and should never be mistaken for the finished work itself4 ,how you carry yourself at a reception is not a matter of so great moment1 as is the fact that you went1 and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain people4 ,it is the people1 the thoughts they gave you and you gave them1 and the practical influence on your life of those people and those thoughts1 which are of moment4 ,just as1 from a musicale1 you must carry the music away in your soul1 either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of mind1 or it is of no avail that you attended1 so from social intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given you1 and garner from those help and guidance in your life1 or the most elaborate of toilets1 the most perfect of manners1 and the most ceremonious of customs are of little worth4 ,the tool1 however1 becomes invaluable when the master desires to create4 ,therefore1 if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment and happiness and help which it should yield1 we should become familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette1 so that we shall have skill and aptitude in their application4 ,the rewards of etiquette are1 therefore1 both spiritual and material4 ,that fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely tendencies1 that clear insight which sees the individual as but a single unit in the composite of the human race1 that high aspiration which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life1--all these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of courteous observances1 and each of these is its own reward4 ,on the other hand1 human hearts open only to gentle influences1 and all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social instinct4 ,to be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well loved1 and that must mean to be lovable4 ,wealth and family position are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned1 but good breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort4 ,it makes for power and influence1 and often literally commands the wealth and position which the accident of birth has refused4 ,it is the necessary colleague of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success1 and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,personality ,,the social world is a world of personalities4 ,each individual has a value and importance according to the sum total of his characteristics1 physical1 mental1 and moral4 ,other and more external facts enter into his social position1 but in the circle of his friends and acquaintances1 in whatever grade of society he may move1 his place is determined by his personality4 ,personality alone is the final test of a man's worth to society4 ,a man's worth to the business world as a doer1 maker1 or as any other executive1 his worth to the state as an incorruptible official1 his worth to his family as a devoted husband and father1 his worth to literature or art as a thinker or maker1--these values are imprinted upon his personality1 howbeit with almost imperceptible lines4 ,if a man would present a pleasing personality as his claim for recognition in society1 he must not neglect his mental attitude1 his appearance1 his manners1 or his speech4 ,they are all true expressions of his real self1 and they1 together with his deeds1 are all that his fellow men have by which to appraise his real worth4 ,character is the foundation of all true courtesy1 for manners are but minor morals1 as many a writer has shown4 ,it is not the part of a book on etiquette to tell how to keep out of prison1 or to explain that one should be honorable and should do no murder4 ,no book or person1 however1 can inculcate etiquette without showing that the roots of all true courtesy lie deep in the spirit of unselfish consideration for others4 ,to master this spirit until it becomes one's own is the best fitting one can have for social achievement4 ,such consideration is the touchstone by which all social customs are tried1 to see whether they be worthy of perpetuation or not4 ,it is the sure test of correct conduct under all circumstances1 and can be so utilized in case of doubt4 ,a veneer of virtue long passes as currency in no society4 ,it is necessary to have character in order to be respected4 ,as etiquette is founded upon certain simple virtues1 it is necessary1 at least1 to affect the semblance of them4 ,to be long effective they must be sincere1 as a little experience shows4 ,among the minor moral virtues which in social life are of major importance are those of self-control1 sincerity1 and unselfishness4 ,there is no place for anger in social life4 ,to give expression among a group of people to any strong feeling1 no matter how justified it may be1 is not courteous1 because you may be inadvertently treading upon the beliefs or prejudices of some of your hearers4 ,there are times when debate and the taking of sides on questions of common interest are in order1 but that is not usually in the mixed society of men and women1 who are supposedly dropping1 for a time1 the burdens of life for the sake of enjoyment and recreation4 ,self-control is necessary not only in the constant curbing of anger and the more violent emotions1 but in pushing into the background one's personal desires in order that one may do one's social duty4 ,a bridesmaid may have assumed the obligations of that honor1 and then found that1 for personal reasons1 they were distasteful to her4 ,she should not1 however1 permit herself to fail in one iota of her duty4 ,the always-remembered disappointment of the bride1 or bridegroom1 if either bridesmaid or best man should fail1 at a time when life should be as full of happiness as it possibly could1 should more than offset the pain of even difficult control on the part of the chosen friend1 in order to carry out his or her obligations satisfactorily4 ,in thousands of minor circumstances the need of absolute self-command for the sake of social virtues is evident4 ,the man and woman who can so control themselves1 and think only of others1 win warm places in the hearts of their friends4 ,it is a dreary thing to be always sustaining a sham of any sort4 ,sincerity has its pleasure as well as its virtue4 ,one should seek to be sincere1 as perhaps no social virtue is of greater importance than this4 ,the possibilities of development of character and of the betterment of social customs depend upon the exercise of this virtue4 ,for that reason it is well to follow carefully the acknowledged rules of etiquette1 in the hope and expectation of growing into the attitude of mind which will make them a natural expression of one's self4 ,the little observances of social life1 says ,dr4 ,t4 ,l4 ,nichols in his book on ,social ,life1 are more important than many people think them4 ,the outward signs or expressions of any sentiment not only manifest it to others1 but help to keep it active in ourselves4 ,this is the use of all ceremony and ritualism in religion 4 4 4 and the same principle governs all social ceremonies and observances4 ,without unselfishness and a fine consideration for others1 the art of etiquette would be impossible4 ,true etiquette learns no maxims to practise mechanically4 ,rather1 it learns all the maxims upon which it may have to draw1 and practises them only as the considerate heart sees an opportunity and desires to embrace it4 ,personal appearance is next to character in importance4 ,the most important factors in this1 with the average person1 are not those that ,nature alone is responsible for1 but those that the individual himself is alone responsible for4 ,beauty is a pleasant thing1 and not to be despised1 although beauty alone is of little worth4 ,the social conquests of history have not been confined to the possessors of beauty1 and there have been many notable cases where decided plainness and even ugliness was the lot of one who nevertheless was a person of great charm4 ,one's figure and bearing count perhaps for most1 as they give the first and distant impression1 and are1 as it were1 the outlines of the picture4 ,self-consciousness1 for any reason and to even the slightest degree1 is a great barrier to social intercourse and to mental freedom4 ,it shows as often in a person's carriage as in his words or features4 ,it should be broken down at all costs1 and this can be done only by the person himself4 ,it may be done1 usually with comparative ease1 by becoming and staying interested in something4 ,then awkwardness1 and a defiant attitude of spirit and body1 will vanish4 ,haughtiness is usually the outward sign of a great inner self-consciousness4 ,all of these traits1 as well as their opposites1 stamp themselves upon the bearing of the body1 and reveal there the clearest manifestations of character4 ,dress is almost as essential4 ,by this is not meant a rigid adherence to fashion1--the stamp of a weak mind1--or even good taste1 but an eye to the appropriate and fitting4 ,first of all1 dress should be subordinated to character1 that is1 it should be no more costly than the wearer can afford1 and no more striking than modesty and good taste allow4 ,good taste in dress means plain and simple styles1 but material as elegant1 serviceable1 and pleasing as one's purse permits4 ,it means also a few things well chosen and kept in good order1 rather than many things more or less untidy2 that one's wardrobe will be harmonious1--not a cheap1 shabby garment to-day1 and an expensive1 showy one to-morrow4 ,it means also that the wardrobe throughout1 not only the external garments1 is equally well chosen and well cared for4 ,one should not mix one's wardrobe4 ,a coat of one suit and the skirt of another should not be worn together4 ,a carriage parasol should not be used on a sunny promenade1 nor an umbrella in a carriage1 or open automobile4 ,it is necessary to wear a dress appropriate to the occasion in order to be well dressed4 ,no matter how excellent one's costume may be1 if it does not suit the time and place it is absurd and incongruous4 ,some of the major rules for appropriate dress are as follows3 ,full evening dress demands one's most elaborate gown1 made of silk1 satin1 velvet1 lace1 or crpe-de-chine1 as costly as one's purse permits1 with dcollet effects1 gained by either actual cut or the use of lace and chiffon4 ,one should wear delicate shoes1 white or light-colored gloves1 and appropriate jewels1 of which it is not good taste to have too lavish a display4 ,as hostess at an afternoon reception or luncheon one may wear an elaborate gown of the richest materials1 with either long sleeves and high neck1 or elbow sleeves and slightly low neck4 ,as guest one may wear a walking suit1 with pretty blouse1 white gloves1 and decorative hat4 ,the usual dress for a formal breakfast is much the same as for a luncheon1--a pretty afternoon street costume1 with a dainty blouse1 gloves1 and picture hat1 which is not removed4 ,in summer1 a gown of light material1 such as organdie1 muslin1 or other soft goods1 dainty and somewhat elaborate1 is in good taste4 ,hat and gloves are invariably worn with this gown if the affair is ceremonious4 ,for church wear1 a quiet1 rather simple street dress1 which does not proclaim that either money or time has been spent upon it to any notable extent1 is by far the most appropriate4 ,the suit should be becoming but inconspicuous4 ,ball costume is conventionally gay and elaborate1 the lightest of materials being used1 especially by those who intend to take part in the dancing1 and a dainty effect being sought4 ,any costly1 rich-looking materials are used1 and a wide range of fashion is permitted4 ,the gown is cut short-sleeved and dcollet1 and the dancing shoes are of satin or very fine kid4 ,jewels are worn but sparingly by young women in their first season in society4 ,the costume of a dbutante at her first ball is usually white4 ,at an informal dinner1 any pretty gown may be worn1 with special attention to the coiffure4 ,black should never be worn at a wedding4 ,if one does not care to lay it aside for the time being1 one should not attend4 ,for men1 the proper costume for an early morning breakfast is the black cutaway coat with gray trousers1 and other details as for a formal breakfast4 ,in summer a gray morning suit with fancy waistcoat1 or white flannels or linen1 with appropriate hat1 shoes1 and tie1 is permissible4 ,at a formal breakfast men wear frock coats1 fancy waistcoats1 gray trousers1 patent-leather shoes1 large ties1 high hats1 and gray gloves4 ,afternoon dress for formal functions between noon and evening consists of a double-breasted black frock coat1 or a black cutaway coat1 with either light or dark waistcoat1 gray trousers1 patent-leather shoes1 light four-in-hand tie1 and light gloves4 ,evening dress is the correct attire for all occasions after six o'clock4 ,it consists of a black suit1--coat cut swallow-tail1 and waistcoat cut low and in the shape of a ,u1--with white lawn tie1 patent-leather pumps1 black silk stockings1 white gloves1 and no jewelry but shirt studs1 cuff links1 and an inconspicuous watch fob4 ,a black overcoat of some stylish cut and a silk hat or crush or opera hat is also worn4 ,full evening dress is a man's costume for a formal dinner4 ,the ,tuxedo or short dinner coat with a black tie is intended only for dinners where women are not present4 ,although its use on other occasions is common1 it is not correct1 and ill accords with the elaborate gown which is usually worn at the formal dinner4 ,one should always have the appearance of being well-groomed4 ,it is a minor matter to add to habits of personal cleanliness1 which every man and woman of refinement adheres to with scrupulous conscientiousness1 that attention to the little details and finishing touches of dressing1 which give the impression conveyed in that graphic expression well-groomed4 ,the niceties of life are always matters of small care but great moment4 ,the aim to be beautiful is a legitimate one1 and worthy of the attention of every lover of beauty4 ,to make the most of one's self1 both for one's own sake and that of those about one1 is a duty4 ,much can be done if good taste is consulted1 and one's salient good points studied and emphasized4 ,one can at least dress characteristically1 and so bring out the ideals to which one gives adherence4 ,for instance1 the business woman1 in business hours1 dresses with that same effort after efficiency and economy of time and strength that she has to put into her business to make it successful4 ,she is1 therefore1 besides being scrupulously neat1 perfectly plainly and yet durably and comfortably dressed4 ,the sudden storm does not catch her unprepared1 for she cannot afford to lose even an hour's work next day because she caught cold4 ,she permits no fussing with her garments1 therefore they have to be in perfect working order1 as fussing takes time1 and time is money4 ,her hair is done neatly1 and as becomingly as possible1 but securely for the day4 ,if1 on the other hand1 the business woman be a milliner1 whose own artistic personality must be her best advertisement1 she takes pains to dress artistically even though she wear less serviceable and more elaborate costumes4 ,she should1 however1 give the same impression of neatness and businesslike serviceableness1 with the additional artistic impression which is going to show her customer that she knows how to bring out the telling points in her own personality1 and create a charming effect4 ,the housewife needs1 in her choice of morning garments1 the same effectiveness as the business woman1 for she must also work with real efficiency2 but1 in addition1 she needs to give the impression of homelike abandon1 as well as beauty and grace1 which shall appear restful4 ,the art of correct speech and intelligent conversation is one which every one who wishes to hold an envied place in society should possess4 ,there is no more attractive accomplishment4 ,others have only a limited use and give only an occasional pleasure1 while good conversation is appropriate to almost any occasion1 and amuses and entertains when all other interests have palled4 ,if one does not undertake to cultivate the art of conversation1 one should at least be correct in speech4 ,one should not permit slovenly expressions1 or slang1 or the thousand and one faults of mispronunciation and ungrammatical construction into which people fall1 to be characteristic of one's speaking4 ,for if one has time to go into society1 one should have time and money enough to make one's self presentable mentally as well as physically1 and nothing so clearly shows lack of intelligence and appreciation of the matters of the intellect1 as carelessness and neglect of the words one uses and the thoughts one utters4 ,no physical defect is more glaring than the mental defect revealed in every sentence of such a person4 ,mannerisms of speech or act are glaring flaws in the personality which would delight to charm1 and successfully preclude the possibility of popularity among refined people4 ,many a man and woman of character have been barred from the pleasurable enjoyment of society1 even by people of less character though of more surface refinement than themselves1 because they lacked the intelligence and the good sense to abolish certain mannerisms of act or expression1 which1 though they may have had normal and logical causes1 were not such as society could enjoy or approve1 and would not tend to anything but harm if characteristic of many people4 ,certain rather glaring faults are quite conspicuous among all classes of women1 for reasons which are hard to determine1 but which must be general as the faults are so prevalent4 ,women1 as a rule1 do not respect an appointment and keep it punctually1 interrupt conversation repeatedly and ruthlessly1 keep visitors waiting by needless delays1 and do not seem to notice or regret the sacrifice that some courtesy to them may have caused another4 ,the arraignment of women for these faults is indeed serious1 for social misdemeanors could not easily be much worse4 ,it means that the deep heart-feeling of courtesy is quite lacking from certain classes of women1--classes not to be marked off distinctly from any grade of wealth or learning4 ,if the ladies of a fashionable and progressive intellectual club will not1 after two or three years of repeated requests1 make it a habit1 one and all1 to remove their hats during a dinner and the subsequent speeches in a crowded and level-floored club dining-room1 it is useless to look for any finer courtesy among the cultured than among the work-worn laboring classes4 ,as a rule the women least at fault in these matters are the business women1 a fact which would seem to prove that lack of business and professional training was in part responsible for the general apathy and indifference toward these matters of ordinary courtesy4 ,courtesy1 like honesty1 is the best policy in all our dealings with our fellow men4 ,therefore1 we cannot afford to neglect to exercise it4 ,politeness and interest in others alike lead one to make those inquiries concerning friends and their families which show real concern in their welfare1 and which are exceedingly gratifying to all4 ,often this kindly trait alone gives one a reputation for charm1 although it has its disadvantages1 to be sure1 in its demands upon one's sympathy and patience4 ,we each know that we are worth while4 ,we should1 therefore1 treat others on that assumption1 and thereby make them rise to their potential worth4 ,the good that a person1 who thus calls out the good within people1 may do is limited only by his acquaintance4 ,personality is1 after all1 one's greatest asset in life4 ,no thought or effort should be spared in making it pleasing and inspiring1--a fit expression of one's character and ideals1 and a worthy gift to the world4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,family ,,etiquette ,,the permanence of a courteous manner is the test of its sincerity4 ,if one is polite invariably everywhere but at home1 one's politeness is as superficial as a disguise1 and as easily penetrated by the discerning4 ,unselfish consideration for others meets its sternest discipline in the home and in family relations1 and becomes1 under that discipline1 a reliable guide1 instinctively consulted in every emergency4 ,without manners at home1 it is impossible to preserve the real nobility and unselfishness of character which make a man or a woman socially desirable4 ,obligations of the ,married ,the marriage relation1 while based upon certain fundamental principles1 and not to be preserved without adherence to them1 has some little etiquette of its own which adds to its happiness4 ,the solemnization of marriage is a sacred ceremony and should be observed in a reverent spirit4 ,to partake of its home intimacies for the first time as of a sacrament1 and to perpetuate that same spirit on the anniversaries of the day1 will do much toward making it a holy and a happy union4 ,every marriage should be at least a perfect friendship2 so a married couple should observe with each other the same little courtesies that they would observe if still only friends1 being as deferential in greeting one another in public1 as careful of each other's feelings1 and as observant of each other's preferences4 ,a woman should remember to accept from her husband1 as her due and without surprise or awkwardness1 the little attentions which she expects and receives in society4 ,a man1 also1 should expect1 and not be disappointed in receiving1 the graceful little appreciations and courtesies which the woman of charm extends to the man of achievement in her social circle4 ,the difference between the appreciations of society and those of the family is mainly that1 in society1 only the men of mark receive them1 while1 in the home1 every man should receive his due2 for there his efforts are known1 even though they are not signal enough for society to recognize4 ,as equality is the only basis upon which the authority of the home can happily rest1 so a complete union of interests is the only basis for the successful financing of a home4 ,while all the virtues of good management of her household1 economy in the expenditure of money1 taste in dressing herself and her children1 and promptness and charm in fulfilling her social duties are expected of a wife1 and should be fulfilled to the best of her ability1 there are some minor things which make for happiness which should not be neglected4 ,the wife who shines socially should remember that her family needs the charm of her presence more than society does1 and it should be a daily household quality rather than for use only on state occasions4 ,the wife should confide in her husband on every matter of importance4 ,she should not trouble him with trivial things1 but1 if a matter is of concern to her1 she should not fail to let him know about it1 and get his advice upon it4 ,the cement of love is mutual confidence4 ,if a wife takes pains to understand her husband1 to be his companion1 and to do her full duty by him1 by her children1 and by her home1 she cannot fail1 under the ordinary circumstances of the ,american home1 of winning happiness and making her husband happy4 ,it is in the lack of desire to understand and love that the real menace to the happiness of the home lies4 ,the deep-hearted and thoughtful people approach nearest the ideal of love4 ,it is taken for granted that the husband will perform the major duties of his relation1 such as being a good citizen1 a good business man1 and hence a good provider for his family1 and that he will in all things seek the mutual happiness of his family and himself4 ,he must be considerate to his wife if he would keep her love and respect4 ,he should confide his business to her as far as she1 in her inexperience1 is able to grasp it1 and he should teach her the things about it which it is important for her to know4 ,through his conversation alone she can get the rudiments of a good business training1 and she will at least be able to comprehend the changes he may make or the difficulties in which he may find himself1 and1 seeing their cause1 thus be able to sympathize1 and not to blame1 if reverses come4 ,he should so train her in business ways and methods that1 in case of his death or disability1 she could attend to the business of his estate1 even though she could not1 or need not1 earn money for the family4 ,the work of adjusting the labors of each to those of the other1 so that there shall be time for recreation and social life together1 should be a matter of mutual effort1 and should not be dropped until solved to mutual satisfaction4 ,if the members of the family cannot move in the same social circle1 and together1 a serious breach of family happiness is threatened4 ,there is no marriage license which gives the right to constant harping upon one another's faults4 ,in this1 as in all other respects1 the rule of friendship should prevail4 ,a husband should not open his wife's letters1 nor should a wife her husband's4 ,all invitations are sent to a husband and wife jointly1 except those for such occasions as a stag dinner1 or a luncheon or shower to which ladies only are invited4 ,if for any reason either the husband or the wife cannot attend a function1 the other also must decline4 ,the exceptions to this rule are those cases where a man or a woman of particular talent moves in a circle the interests of which are not especially enjoyable to the other one of the couple1 or where the health of the one precludes the possibility of attendance upon affairs of which the other should not be deprived4 ,too long or too frequent use of the excuses which cover these exceptions1 reflects seriously upon the marital happiness of the pair4 ,although present together at a function1 husband and wife are not paired off together in their entertainment4 ,he takes some other woman out to dinner1 and she is escorted by some other man4 ,even at dances and balls it is not good form for them to dance together too frequently1 except at public dances where they are two of a private party of four or six1 in which case rotation of partners would bring them together more frequently than if a larger number of their personal friends were present4 ,in ,america a wife never shares her husband's titles4 ,consultation and advice together on everything which concerns either is one of the privileges as well as the duties of marriage4 ,to reproach for errors which were made with good motives and the best of judgment available at the time is always unjust4 ,always to greet and to part from each other with affection is the source of much happiness4 ,neither parent should be overambitious4 ,their personalities make the home1 and if they are overworked and crowded with care1 the home is not happy4 ,the mother should always remember that home comes first1 and should not absent herself from it save at those times and for that length of time when she is really not needed there4 ,neither husband nor wife should confide family matters to any one but each other1 nor discuss each other with any other person4 ,companionship means the willingness to let one's own mood be dominated by another4 ,therefore1 if they would be companionable1 a husband and wife should meet each other's moods halfway4 ,for what is lost personally now and then1 far more of greater mutual value is obtained2 and it is largely by a habit of companionableness that the happiness of the home can be made so satisfying that there can arise no question of its permanence4 ,to keep one's self up to one's best standard of speech and conduct is necessary1 for only thus can the family standard be kept high4 ,an arbitrary disposition in the home ruins the comfort of all4 ,companionship and mutual authority and helpfulness are the only foundations for a happy home4 ,general ,rules of ,conduct ,seek the companionship of the refined and the gentle-mannered if you would be the same4 ,move in that society in whose ways you are versed and whose rules you practice1 if you would be appreciated or met with like courtesy4 ,never fail to say kind words to those in distress whom you meet4 ,the kindness1 however1 must be genuine1 and come from the heart1 never in stereotyped and hollow phrases4 ,the courtesy which offers attentions should be met with graciousness in receiving them4 ,surprise is a sign that one rates one's self lower than did the person who showed the courtesy4 ,attentions should be warmly accepted1 and the gratitude expressed should be of the sort which does not forget4 ,a woman1 when in the presence of the men of the family1 should expect that doors will be opened for her1 that she will pass through them first1 that packages will be carried1 and errands run4 ,she should not1 however1 let these little attentions be paid her by her father or an elderly relative4 ,enter a room filled with people in a dignified manner and with a slight bow to the general company4 ,we all do stamp our value on ourselves is true enough1 and our private stamp is never more conspicuous than when we confront a roomful of people4 ,if we show modesty but intense self-respect in our bearing1 there is no one who will not raise his personal estimate of us no matter what it was4 ,the head should be well up1 the body squarely erect1 the chest out4 ,self-consciousness at such a time is a mistake1 if natural1 and shows the actual littleness which one is trying by an upright bearing to conceal4 ,one should train one's self until the meeting of people1 no matter who they may be1 whether singly or in large numbers1 is a matter of no particular concern as to deportment4 ,never enter a room noisily1 nor fail to close a door after you1 without slamming4 ,never take another's seat unless you give it up upon his return4 ,dignified postures in sitting are marks of respect to yourself and the company you are with4 ,a gentleman does not sit astride a chair1 nor with legs spread out1 nor a lady with her legs crossed4 ,never put out your foot1 in the street car or elsewhere1 or place it where it may trouble others in passing by4 ,when several people enter a room in a private house where you are sitting1 always rise1 especially if they are older than you4 ,when an elderly person enters the room alone1 it is always a graceful show of deference for all younger than he to rise and remain standing until he is seated4 ,the greetings of night and morning are due to all members of one's household1 and should not be omitted4 ,the one who enters a room where others are assembled gives the salutation first4 ,good morning is the appropriate greeting till noon4 ,good afternoon and ,good evening are the greetings for the later hours of the day4 ,good-by is1 however1 the common and most acceptable form of farewell4 ,after an evening's entertainment1 it is permissible also to say ,good night instead4 ,good day1 ,good afternoon1 and ,good evening1 used in farewell1 are provincial4 ,i beg pardon1 spoken with an inquiring inflection1 is much better than simply ,what8 when you do not hear what is said4 ,the abruptness of the latter savors of rudeness4 ,whispering is not permissible in company1 and it is not necessary in private4 ,therefore1 whisper not at all1 especially not in a sick-room or in church1 where the whisper is far more penetrating than a low1 distinct tone4 ,the calling up or down stairs is inconsiderate1 for you attract the attention of two floors of people1 as well as publish your message4 ,to carry on a conversation over the banisters is also equally bad4 ,even a word of inquiry should usually be spoken at short distance in a hall which leads to several rooms1 and where many people may hear or be disturbed by the noise4 ,such calling should never be permitted to servants or children1 for once begun its convenience will demand its continuance4 ,interrupting another's conversation is a serious breach of courtesy4 ,finding fault is a very disturbing feature of home life1 no matter how glaring the faults which may be criticised4 ,faults have to be remedied1 but every effort should be made to do it skillfully1 and not make the remedy worse than the disease4 ,do not open your letters in company1 except in case of emergency1 and in the latter1 ask the permission of the company to do so4 ,never1 under any circumstances1 open a private letter addressed to another4 ,if the one to whom it is addressed is near enough to give you permission to open it1 he can usually open it himself2 if he is not by to give permission1 the letter should go to his legal representative1 who then acts according to the law4 ,politeness as well as pity impel one to be especially polite to the caller or visitor who is uncongenial1 or stupid1 or unattractive4 ,by even an excess of hospitality one should try to make up for the inevitable slight which society always puts upon such a one4 ,impartial courtesy is the right of all guests4 ,the close friend and the distant and far less welcome relative are entitled to equal courtesy4 ,the holding of a grudge1 and the failing to forgive a slight for which apology has been made1 are the height of discourtesy4 ,it is invariably true that the same spirit with which you mete out social slights will be shown you in return4 ,resent each one1 whether intentional or a mere oversight1 and you will surely crush the spontaneity out of all attentions shown you1 and be met only with distrust4 ,when applied to for a favor1 if you intend to grant it1 grant it graciously and readily2 if you intend to refuse1 refuse with equal civility even though firmly4 ,none but the unmannerly will urge a request when the slightest token of refusal has been given4 ,a gentleman may offer personal service to a lady1 if there is need1 tying her shoe1 or hooking or buttoning her dress1 or doing any other little act which she cannot herself do4 ,in a company of people1 it is the height of rudeness to call attention to the form or features or dress of any one present4 ,in using a handkerchief1 always do so unobtrusively4 ,at the dining table it should be used very sparingly4 ,better retire than be obnoxious to even the most fastidious4 ,never look over the shoulder of any one who is reading or writing1 whether in the home1 of in a car1 or at a concert1 or anywhere else4 ,do not touch any one in order to arrest his attention1 but address him4 ,to lend a borrowed article is an appropriation of it which is next to stealing1 unless one has permission of the owner to do so4 ,self-control in excitement of any sort is a most valuable trait4 ,it always makes for comfort of one's self and of others1 and often for safety4 ,do not pass between two persons who are talking together1 if avoidable4 ,if it is not1 then apologize4 ,never refuse to receive an apology4 ,courtesy requires1 no matter how unforgivable the offense1 that an apology should be accepted4 ,friendship may not be restored1 but friendly courtesy should always thereafter be maintained4 ,never neglect to perform a commission which a friend intrusted to you4 ,forgetfulness denotes lack of regard for the friend4 ,never fail to be punctual at the time appointed1 in keeping every engagement4 ,to make yourself the hero of your own story1 or to speak much of your own performances1 denotes deep-seated self-conceit1 and may be very distasteful to others1 who also have achieved4 ,one's social obligations should never be neglected unless one is determined to drop out from one's place entirely4 ,to acknowledge one invitation and not another is surely to be discredited with all4 ,never question a child or a servant upon family matters4 ,fulfill your promises1--or do not promise4 ,deaf persons should be treated with special consideration4 ,act as though they could hear what is being said1 yet without laying the burden of reply upon them1 and without permitting it to be conspicuous in any way that they may have lost the drift of the talk4 ,it is well to talk both louder and more expressively when they are present1 but always more distinctly1 and somewhat more slowly4 ,never shout at them1 or attract their attention by touching them suddenly4 ,this latter is not polite to any one1 but the stronger impulse to do it in case of the deaf must be withstood4 ,it is always better to come within the range of their vision before speaking to them4 ,table ,etiquette ,a man should not seat himself at the dinner table until his wife or his hostess is seated4 ,this rule holds good in the home1 for if it is not practised there1 it will not be observed gracefully in society4 ,seat yourself not too close to nor too far from the table4 ,erect position at table is the first requisite4 ,one should so place one's seat that correct position is possible1 and then should keep it4 ,elbows should never be placed upon the table4 ,the hands should be kept quietly in the lap while not busy with the food4 ,one should sit quietly at the table1 without handling the cutlery or making useless motions1 while waiting to be served4 ,if there is some form of grace said1 or some simple ceremony preliminary to the meal1 one should pay respectful attention silently4 ,do not seem impatient to be served4 ,the meal is a social occasion and the food is an adjunct to friendly intercourse4 ,the success of the meal depends equally perhaps upon the food and the conversation4 ,because of the interruptions of service1 conversation cannot be long continued1 or deeply thoughtful4 ,it must be on subjects of no great moment nor grave interest1 or on such subjects lightly touched2 but it should be on bright1 cheerful topics1 and as witty as the talent of the company affords4 ,eating should be slow1 and mastication of the food thorough1 for reasons of health as well as for the sake of appearance4 ,no meal can be eaten properly and adequately in less than thirty minutes1 but more than an hour for a meal is sheer waste of both time and food1 unless the company is large1 the times of waiting between courses long1 and the portions served very small4 ,eat silently4 ,the noise of food being masticated is very distressing1 and except in cases of crusts and crisp vegetables1 perfectly unnecessary4 ,the napkin is unfolded and spread over the lap4 ,one is supposed to be skillful enough in raising food to the lips not to need the napkin in front of the dress or coat to prevent injury4 ,in case you do not care for a course1 you should not refuse it4 ,receive it1 and take what part of it you desire1 trying to take some2 or1 if you wish1 leave it untouched1 but do not have the appearance of being neglected or ill-provided for1 even if you do not eat of it4 ,a little more attention to conversation on your part may make unnoticeable to those about you the fact that you do not eat of a certain course4 ,if your preference is consulted as to food1 whether the matter be trivial to you or not1 express some preference so that the one who is serving1 and who has asked to be guided1 may be so far assisted4 ,never place food or waste matter upon the tablecloth4 ,an exception to this may be made in regard to hard breads and celery1 when individual dishes for these are not furnished4 ,always use the side of some one of the dishes about you for chips and scraps4 ,the fork is used in general except with semi-liquid sauces1 where a spoon is of necessity used4 ,it is not permissible to eat peas with a spoon4 ,the mouth should be closed while it contains food4 ,it should not be too full1 as it is often necessary to reply to some question when there is food in the mouth4 ,do not leave the table until you have quite ceased chewing4 ,be dainty and skillful in using your napkin and cutlery1 avoiding soiling the tablecloth4 ,discussions and unpleasant topics of conversation should never be introduced4 ,one should regard not only one's own aversions but those of the others present4 ,never put your finger in your mouth at table1 nor pick your teeth4 ,tidiness of personal appearance is never at a higher premium than at the dining table4 ,soiled hands1 negligee dress1 shirt sleeves1 and disheveled hair are disgusting there4 ,it is quite proper to take the last helping of any dish which may be passed you4 ,to refrain looks as if you doubted the supply4 ,bread is not cut1 but broken into fairly small pieces4 ,one should never nibble from a large piece4 ,it is permissible to eat crackers1 olives1 celery1 radishes1 salted nuts1 crystallized fruits1 corn on the cob1 bonbons1 and most raw fruits from the fingers4 ,apples1 pears1 and peaches are quartered1 peeled1 and then cut into small pieces4 ,cherries1 plums1 and grapes are eaten one by one1 the stones being removed with the fingers and laid upon the plate4 ,cheese may be laid in small pieces on bread or crackers1 and conveyed to the mouth in that way4 ,asparagus should be eaten with the fork1 the part which is not readily broken off by it being left4 ,at a formal meal a second helping of a dish is never offered1 and should never be asked for2 but at an informal dinner party it is not out of place to accept a second helping1 if one is offered1 but is complimentary to the hostess1 who is responsible for the cook4 ,in passing the plate for a second helping1 the knife and fork should be laid across it full length1--not held in the hand until the plate returns4 ,one may ask the waiter for a second or third glass of water1 as even at a formal dinner that is always permissible4 ,lettuce1 cress1 and chicory are never cut with a knife1 but rolled up on the fork and so conveyed to the mouth4 ,never leave the spoon in any cup while drinking from it4 ,liquid bouillon1--not jellied1--should be drunk from the bouillon cup4 ,spoons are used for grape fruit and oranges1 when cut in halves and put upon a plate1 for soft-boiled eggs1 puddings1 custards1 and gelatins4 ,with fruit1 finger-bowls should always be passed4 ,a bowl half-full of water is placed upon a plate covered with a doily4 ,unless the fruit is passed upon a second plate1 the bowl and doily are removed from this and set at one side1 the fruit being eaten from this plate4 ,the fingers are then dipped1 one hand at a time1 into the water1 and wiped upon the napkin4 ,salt should never be put upon the tablecloth1 but always on the side of the plate1 unless the individual salts are provided4 ,never spit out a prune1 peach1 or cherry stone4 ,never hold food on the fork while you are talking1 ready as soon as you reach a period to be put into your mouth4 ,having once picked it up1 eat it promptly4 ,a bit of bread1 but nothing else1 may be used1 if necessary1 to help one put food upon the fork4 ,if one tastes of something which one does not care to swallow1 it may be removed from the mouth with the closed left hand and placed on the plate4 ,this should be done silently and with as little attention as possible4 ,never take a chicken or chop bone in the fingers4 ,cut the meat from the bone1 leaving all that does not readily separate4 ,bread and butter plates1 with the butter spreader1 are always used1 except at formal dinners1 when the dinner-roll is laid in the fold of the napkin4 ,the knife is used only for cutting1 and for spreading butter on bread in the absence of butter spreaders4 ,almost all foods are eaten with the fork1 which should always be used in the right hand with the tines up4 ,it may be held in the left hand1 tines down1 when one is cutting1 the knife being in the right hand4 ,the soup spoon is an almost circular and quite deep spoon4 ,therefore it is obvious that the soup should be noiselessly sipped from the side of it4 ,when the oval dessert spoon is used for soup1 it is especially necessary to sip the liquid from the side4 ,special spoon-shaped forks are provided for salads1 ices1 and creams1 but for these spoons may always be substituted4 ,no hot drink should be poured from the cup into the saucer to cool it4 ,toothpicks should not be passed at the table4 ,they may be left on the sideboard1 and if one is needed1 it may be requested of the waiter or taken as you leave the room1 but always used in private4 ,wherein elderly people do differently from the established ways of to-day1 they are not to be criticised4 ,manners change even several times within a generation1 and such may be simply following the customs they were taught4 ,when the three-tined fork was the only one in common use1 the blade of the knife was much more in requisition than now4 ,on leaving the table the dishes of the last course should be left exactly as used1 and the napkin left unfolded by the side of the plate4 ,in case one is at home1 or visiting a friend1 and the napkins usually serve for two or three meals1 then neatly fold it4 ,many families have clean napkins once a day1 that is1 at dinner4 ,the chair should either be pushed quite back from the table1 or close to it1 so that others may easily pass by4 ,if obliged to leave the table in the midst of a meal1 one should address the hostess1 saying1 ,please excuse me1 as he rises4 ,anniversaries ,the observance of family festivals is a great bond of union when there are different ages and temperaments and interests represented in the family circle4 ,in the home holidays1 all meet on a common ground1 and get once more into touch with each other4 ,yet the observance of such festivals should never be more elaborate than the purse will justify1 nor should it be allowed to become a burden upon any one1 even the most willing4 ,the festive spirit is lost if it becomes obligatory4 ,the observance of wedding anniversaries is usually an honored custom in the case of happy marriages1 where children grow up who take delight in making much of the days which are sacred to their parents4 ,where this observance is not a matter of form or done with any ulterior motive1 but is spontaneous and joyous1 it adds much to the family happiness and strengthens the bonds1 not only between parents but between parents and children4 ,it is customary to make gifts of the sort signified in the name of the anniversary1 and much ingenuity can be exercised in carrying out the idea4 ,the anniversaries are named as follows3 ,at the end of the first year comes a cotton wedding2 at the end of the second1 a paper wedding2 the third1 a linen wedding2 the fifth1 a wooden2 the tenth1 a tin wedding2 the fifteenth1 a crystal2 the twentieth1 linen2 the twenty-fifth1 silver2 the thirtieth1 pearl2 fortieth1 ruby2 fiftieth1 a golden wedding2 and the sixtieth1 a diamond wedding4 ,these anniversaries may be added to1 as by celebrating a leather wedding the third year1 instead of two of linen2 a woolen one the seventh2 and a china one the twelfth4 ,a birthday anniversary is a momentous event in the life of a child4 ,disregard of it is a heart-breaking slight4 ,the celebrations of these events1 even in families where they are numerous and resources few1 can be made joyous if there is love enough to do it1 even without money4 ,the ,giving of ,presents ,the members of a family who have each other's welfare at heart1 often have the impulse to give each other something which they may know is needed or wanted4 ,while this impulse should be cultivated even with the most limited means1 and the sense of generosity preserved even among the poorest1--where1 to be frank1 it is more apt to be found than among the rich1--there should be no counting upon such presents1 nor obligation to make them imposed4 ,this destroys their value as expressions of affection1 and makes the custom harmful4 ,for that reason it is not well to adhere to times and seasons1 but at any time when the right opportunity offers and the impulse moves1 give the gift that one desires to give4 ,where such an impulse is characteristic of a family1 the members will naturally take pride in expressing in that way their appreciation of individual achievement1 as when a member graduates from a high school or college1 or attains his majority1 or makes some special advance in any way4 ,the spirit which welcomes achievement and recognizes it1 becomes an incentive1 perhaps the strongest there is1 and surely the most noble1 that of satisfying and pleasing a loved one4 ,life holds too much of defeat for the average person1 for its minor victories to be passed over in silence and indifference4 ,intimate ,friends ,one's attitude toward intimate friends is either a pleasant memory or a sad revelation4 ,if one holds them a little lower than one's family1 and expends upon them effort to charm second only to the effort habitually given to those whom one loves1 then intimacy becomes a privilege1 no matter what the circumstances1 and a lifelong gratification and pleasure4 ,if1 however1 one considers that intimate friends are entitled to less courtesy than the public1 and are to be made to serve one's purpose more effectually than mere acquaintances do1 then the burden of friendship is great1 and soon dropped4 ,affection is not mercenary4 ,one word in regard to the single monopolizing friendship4 ,many a marriage has been wrecked1 and many a mother's friendship turned away1 because some one friend1 of about one's own age and tastes1 of pronounced influence and exorbitant demands1 has usurped1 at first perhaps unconsciously but ever surely1 the place in one's life1 and at last in one's heart1 that some member of the family should have taken4 ,some people seem naturally predisposed to this sort of friendship1 and as soon as the intellectual zest is gone from absorbing companionship with one person1 they turn to another4 ,one such instance showed through twenty years a series of such friendships on the part of a well-meaning but foolish woman1 in which her husband figured briefly1 passing on and off the stage as violently as1 and even more speedily than1 the other friends4 ,too great familiarity with new acquaintances is impolite as well as unwise4 ,it cannot fail of seeming forced1 and even if the friendship is to be close and permanent1 a hastily-laid foundation is never the most secure4 ,one should never call a friend by his ,christian name until he requests one to do so4 ,illness in the ,home ,illness means that the order of the home life must be seriously disturbed4 ,consideration for the one who is ill1 and effort to alleviate the suffering1 should take the place of every other thought and ambition4 ,it is necessary1 of course1 that the routine of living should be sufficiently preserved for the health of the others not to be affected1 but matters of comfort and well-being for all take precedence of everything else4 ,the well should make all wise sacrifices for the sake of the ill1 such as being quiet about the house2 never complaining at late or simple meals2 setting aside personal plans and comfort in order to assist1 if needed1 in the care of the ill2 looking out for the relief and comfort of the nurse1 upon whom the major part of the responsibility rests2 never grudging time or money in the effort to restore health2 and1 above all1 making these sacrifices in the spirit of love and not in that of martyrdom4 ,many people1 who make even unreasonable sacrifices for others in times of emergency1 do it so ungraciously1 that one does not feel that they are entitled to the thanks which they still actually deserve and should receive4 ,courtesy demands that the claims of the nurse and doctor be settled promptly and generously4 ,they were prompt in meeting the emergency4 ,there should be no delay in acknowledging the obligation to them1 even though their promptness is looked upon1 by them and by society1 as part of their professional duty4 ,the convalescent takes such abnormally keen delight in being remembered1 that it is obligatory upon the rest of his family and his friends not to forget him4 ,kindly messages should be frequent4 ,trifling gifts frequently are better than large gifts occasionally1 unless the large gift is something greatly desired4 ,one should never fail to offer the easiest and best seat in the room to an invalid1 an elderly person1 or a lady4 ,courtesy to ,servants ,it is safe to predict that1 if the acumen of the business man1 and the courtesy of the social leader and woman of true refinement were brought to bear upon the servant problem1 that would soon assume a different aspect4 ,if the consideration that would be shown an ailing guest were shown an ailing servant1 service would be more generously and more faithfully rendered4 ,the waitress at the table is entitled to courtesy1 but not to apologetic efforts to diminish her task4 ,appreciation may be shown in a ,thank you1 or1 ,if you please1 but such notice of her should be unobtrusively spoken1 so as not to interfere with the general conversation about the table4 ,the servant has every human right to civility1 and the withholding of wages is no more culpable1 if more illegal1 than is the withholding of civil treatment1 and the infliction of the indignity of impatience and harsh and unmerited reproof4 ,all servants need careful training4 ,neatness is the first requisite4 ,the lack of it most seriously reflects upon the management of the household4 ,servants should be trained to answer the door-bell promptly1 reply civilly to questions1 and in all things represent their master and mistress in a dignified and courteous way4 ,they should not admit one person who calls socially1 and deny another1 unless under special and exceptional orders4 ,they should not fail to deliver promptly all notes1 messages1 and cards which may be received4 ,verbal messages should be received and given with accuracy4 ,the direct neglect of orders is unpardonable in an intelligent servant who has been well trained1 and will not occur1 even in the absence of the mistress1 if the training has been explicit and complete and the servant is honorable1--as he should be in order to retain any position4 ,a certain degree of initiative1 too1 should be cultivated in a servant who is given responsibility1 so that he may meet an emergency with resourcefulness1 in the absence of orders or specific instructions4 ,the servant needs to respect his master and mistress4 ,the firm1 strong1 honest1 and just control is respected by servants1 and is much preferred to the irresolute one1 even when the latter overflows frequently in lax kindness4 ,each man needs to be made to do his duty1 and the power that forces him to do it should be gracious but must be firm4 ,to be familiar with servants is a fatal mistake1 and eventually upsets and destroys all discipline4 ,servants should never be reproved in the presence of guests1 or members of the family1 or other servants1 but should be talked with singly1 and considerately1 but plainly4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,conversation ,,and ,,correspondence ,the ,art of ,conversation ,,conversation is a game we all play1 but most of us with ill success4 ,we do not take pains to learn the rules1 and we do not consider the honor of winning sufficiently great4 ,it is1 however1 an accomplishment that all who will may possess1 that consumes a great deal of the time of all of us1 and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully used4 ,the subject of conversation should be pertinent1 and of interest to all1 or at least the majority1 of those in the group of talkers4 ,the treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the topic1 and every one who contributes should take care to proffer nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth4 ,then the pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by the wit and mental resources of the talkers4 ,news which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of discussion4 ,personal news which has only the interest of gossip or scandal is never permitted among cultured people1 no more than are physiological facts or the records of criminology4 ,it is a safe rule to speak of things rather than of persons4 ,the brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk1 as such a method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from having dramatic expression4 ,if he tells an anecdote which holds the attention of the table or of the circle of listeners1 he permits his duller neighbor to tell the next1 not only that his own wit may have a foil1 but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted appetites4 ,if dining out or being entertained1 do not play the host or hostess by leading the conversation1 even though your talent in that direction be far superior to theirs4 ,you thereby do them an injustice which is exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of hospitality4 ,never interrupt4 ,it kills the expression of any thought to interrupt the speaker1 and every person1 no matter how badly he may express himself1 has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the hearer's attention4 ,to supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly service1 if he be a foreigner1 but should never be tendered to a countryman1 nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the ,english language4 ,it confuses any one1 and the only polite way is to wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words4 ,do not contend any point4 ,among intelligent people questions may be pleasantly and earnestly debated1 arguments weighed and tested1 and yet the conversation be absolutely courteous1 although conviction be deep on both sides4 ,the impossibility1 among untrained people1 of debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the intellectual life in many circles4 ,one should never answer questions in general company that have been put to another4 ,one should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of another1 or the points of divergence in opinion4 ,in society the subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the gathering1 and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized1 leaving all others unnoted4 ,one does not need to conceal his opinions1 but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them4 ,not opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time1 and the battle of ideas should be fought in another arena4 ,this is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies1 or with people imperfectly trained socially4 ,with highly intelligent people of congenial tastes1 people who have ideas and convictions of great worth1 and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or foolish emotion1 the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and most to the benefit of society1 in the drawing-room of that host and hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them4 ,here all the rules of polite society may be observed1 and yet the inner convictions1 whether political1 religious1 or moral1 of the circle1 may find welcome expression and fair hearing4 ,the growth of ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along the right lines4 ,never try to have the last word1 but always refrain from saying it4 ,do not enter into tte--tte conversation in the presence of others1 or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest and commonly known4 ,mysterious allusions or assumed understandings with one or two members of a group are insults to the others4 ,inquiries into private affairs should never be made1 but those on the subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious1 and merit for the inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain4 ,the loud-voiced1 aggressive person1 whose opinions are alone of vital moment in his estimation1 and who will not yield a point in an argument1 is much to be dreaded in any company1 and effectually brings to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes4 ,when addressing people face to face1 it is necessary to give them their social or professional titles1 if the latter be such as have influence on social rank1 no matter if such titles are not inscribed on the visiting card of the person possessing them1 or are purely honorary4 ,it is not now customary to add ,madam1 or ,sir1 or the colloquial equivalent of the former1--m'am or m'm1--to ,yes and ,no1 even by children4 ,correspondence ,letter writing is a high art1 and can give great pleasure to one's friends4 ,it must not1 however1 be intemperately indulged in1 either in frequency1 length of letters1 or freedom of expression4 ,a timely note is a great binder of friendship1 and may give comfort and satisfaction much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment4 ,the danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon1 and find later that the relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of the confidence1 or1 if not unworthy1 was repelled by it1 or indiscreet in guarding it4 ,it is always wise for one to restrain his expression of himself1 when writing or speaking1 within the bounds of dignity and a self-respecting reserve4 ,the classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human interest1 but in the preservation and publication of which sacred confidence was violated4 ,the average letter of the average man or woman is by no means a classic1 or worthy of preservation4 ,it should be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it was written4 ,it may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing ridicule1 if not shame1 upon the unsuspecting writer4 ,as letter writing is the most common form of composition1 the general rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most informal of letters4 ,all letters should be concise and definite4 ,an involved style is a great waste of time and mental power1 and has no advantage4 ,a letter should be written on consecutive pages1 unless it be very short1 in which case it is preferable to use the first and third1 rather than only the first and second1 pages4 ,it should never be written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read at different angles4 ,the turning over of the pages should be all that is necessary4 ,if1 however1 social note paper is used for a short business letter to a business man1 open the sheet out flat1 turn it so that the left side becomes the top of the sheet1 and use as you would a single large sheet of commercial paper4 ,this enables the reader to see the whole matter at a glance4 ,do not scrawl your letter over the page2 but do not1 on the other hand1 appear to economize in paper4 ,make the place and date lines clear and distinct4 ,set off the salutation from the body of the letter1 and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and concise4 ,paper is cheap1 and the delight of receiving a letter well framed in even margins and written on regular1 if invisible1 lines is a pleasure easily afforded a friend4 ,the letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge of the paper4 ,the left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an inch1 with paragraph indention an inch more4 ,the lower margin also should be three-quarters of an inch1 and the right margin should be kept even and1 for best effect1 almost as wide as the left margin4 ,do not run on the letter without paragraphing it1 but place each subject in a paragraph by itself4 ,a business letter should always go straight to the point4 ,a note of apology should be direct1 and say but the one thing which is its subject4 ,a note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary preamble4 ,the sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a favor1 should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long explanation1 which seems like coaxing4 ,the refusal of a request requires tact1 and may necessitate less directness than courteous explanation3 but it should not be so extended as to be apologetic4 ,a letter of thanks is difficult1 but too great effusiveness is as disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory4 ,the elusive but happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained4 ,paper ,the grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment4 ,some people affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with the purpose to which the paper is to be put4 ,others affect an opposite slovenliness1 which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness4 ,a good quality of paper is essential to elegance4 ,plain white or cream white paper1 unlined1 with either rough or smooth finish1 is always correct1 and is the only kind for formal social correspondence4 ,for more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue1 delicate pearl-gray1 light lavender or heliotrope1 or a ,colonial buff4 ,there has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of another color and paper to match1 in a variety of bright tints and striking designs4 ,these styles1 even in the daintier variations of them1 appeal only to the younger members of the smart set4 ,gentlemen never use any but white stationery4 ,correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of messages1 where even the small note paper is too large4 ,they are to social letter writing what the postal is in business4 ,they1 like the postal1 should be used only for brief messages of no special importance1 or for notifications4 ,it is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper4 ,this may be in gilt1 silver1 or colors4 ,the more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of the paper1 but may be placed somewhat lower down1 and to the right1 leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin4 ,in this case the date line follows4 ,engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant1 and printed ones should be used only for business purposes4 ,there can1 however1 be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for personal business correspondence1 if it is tastefully done in a quiet color4 ,while it would not be acceptable for formal social correspondence1 it does very well on more intimate letters and saves the necessity of writing each time the home address4 ,it is best to use printed letterheads1 rather than commit the blunder now so common1 among those who do not habitually use engraved paper1 of omitting the address from the letter4 ,this1 in case the letter is misdirected1 and travels to the ,dead-,letter ,office1 prevents effectually its restoration to the writer4 ,the size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be used4 ,do not start with a small note size1 and run on over several sheets4 ,the letter size should have been taken in the first place1 as the note is only for such messages as are essentially short4 ,the forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal letter paper are the following3 a crest1 monogram1 or the separate initials2 the name of the home if1 as an estate1 it has a special title2 the name of the city and state2 or the street address1 with the name of the city and state beneath4 ,when in mourning1 it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes surrounded with a narrow black border4 ,the border should not exceed three-eighths of an inch in width1 and three-sixteenths of an inch during the period of half mourning4 ,sometimes only a black line with the monogram is used4 ,scented note paper is not in good taste1 except perhaps that which has a very faint odor of violets or of orris root1 or1 in the ,southland1 of orange blossoms4 ,ink ,colored inks are not liked or approved of by society4 ,a good blue-black ink is the best for all writing4 ,pale inks1 too faint to be easily seen1 and too lacking in stock to last any length of time1 are useless4 ,handwriting ,illegibility in handwriting1 or a stilted and difficult hand1 is a great waste of time and energy1 mainly the would-be reader's4 ,there is no excuse1 in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of stenography1 for an illegible letter or manuscript1 and the carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends1 where the inconvenience caused by it will be1 for personal reasons1 gladly forgiven4 ,some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are extremely tiring to the reader1 and the simpler1 less ornate hand is for every purpose preferable4 ,the affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few words on a page1 is absurd and vulgar in the extreme4 ,yet1 on the other hand1 a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable4 ,legibility1 neatness1 and clearness are the salient virtues of a letter4 ,the use of the typewriter is confined to business4 ,it is still very bad form to use it for personal letters2 but should elegant script and small1 clear forms of type1 such as are furnished by one or two of the machines now on the market1 be in common use1 there is little doubt but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would bring the typewriter into use in intimate1 and perhaps at last into more formal1 social correspondence4 ,the tendency seems to lie in that direction4 ,sealing1 ,stamping1 and ,directing ,envelopes ,neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters1 and in addressing1 stamping1 and sealing the envelopes4 ,haste and slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the courtesy of the note1 and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner can well be4 ,the fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax1 imprinting thus their monogram4 ,the well-gummed envelope now in vogue makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter4 ,addresses should be written with an eye to legibility1 and the stamp should be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and neatness4 ,social invitations1 although engraved and therefore containing no handwriting1 should always be sent with letter postage4 ,letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their safe and prompt delivery4 ,persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in the upper left-hand corner4 ,in social correspondence these should be clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope4 ,sometimes where a business firm is small or little known1 it facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of the office room in a building upon the envelope4 ,where1 however1 the firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the post office in bags1 or where a post office box is doubtless made use of instead of the carriers' delivery1 even the street number is superfluous4 ,letters for departments should be so marked4 ,if the city is one of the largest in the country1 the name of the state is not added2 as1 ,new ,york ,city1 ,boston1 ,chicago1 and ,philadelphia would stand alone4 ,only a business letter should have the word ,city in place of the name of the city1 and it is better to write the name1 omitting1 if you choose1 the state4 ,this is permissible only when the central post office is used1 as the postmark of any suburban station might cause confusion1 and railway post office clerks1 especially1 should not be expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer4 ,when street addresses like ,broadway1 ,park ,row1 ,aborn ,drive1 are written1 it is superfluous to write ,st4 after them4 ,the older form of writing an address was to end each line with a comma4 ,the more recent style1 and one coming into quite common use1 is to omit the comma1 using only such punctuation as the sense of the words within the line demands4 ,either way is permissible4 ,uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written address4 ,an address should be written as follows3 ,mr4 ,frankel ,banchman1 #ae ,westland ,avenue1 ,philadelphia1 ,pa4 ,if the directions are to be included1 then the following arrangement is better3 ,mrs4 ,arthur ,l4 ,casson1 ,north ,maplewood1 ,chestnut ,county1 ,care of ,mr4 ,hiram ,casson4 ,n4 ,y4 ,the sign of per cent is no longer used to signify care of4 ,a clergyman is addressed ,the ,reverend ,john ,l4 ,wrigley1 ,d4 ,d41 or1 less correctly1 ,rev4 ,john ,l4 ,wrigley1 ,d4 ,d41 which may be transposed to ,rev4 ,dr4 ,john ,l4 ,wrigley4 ,the omission of the article before the word ,reverend is quite common4 ,a physician is properly addressed1 ,algernon ,brigham1 ,m4 ,d41 and the salutation is ,dear ,dr4 ,brigham1 or ,dear ,doctor1 if he is an intimate friend4 ,a man having the title of ,doctor with any other significance than that of ,doctor of ,medicine1 is usually addressed ,dr4 ,frederic ,v4 ,harlan4 ,a very formal way1 however1 would be to address such a one1--supposing each of the titles to be his1--as ,professor ,frederic ,v4 ,harlan1 ,ph4 ,d4 ,for the letter1 the salutations ,dear ,professor ,harlan and ,dear ,dr4 ,harlan are equally correct4 ,a letter to the ,president of the ,united ,states should be addressed simply with that title and with no further specification of name1 whether it be official or social3 as1 ,to the ,president of the ,united ,states1 ,executive ,mansion1 ,washington1 ,d4 ,c4 ,the salutation should be simply ,sir4 ,the conclusion should be1 ,i have the honor to remain ,your obedient servant4 ,if a social letter it may be addressed either formally or ,to the ,president of the ,united ,states1 7,christian name and surname71 ,executive ,mansion1 etc4 ,the salutation would then be ,my dear ,mr4 ,president4 ,the ,vice ,president should be addressed officially in the same form2 that is1 ,to the ,vice ,president1 ,hon4 ,chester ,a4 ,arthur4 ,he should be saluted1 officially1 ,mr4 ,vice ,president1 ,sir2 socially1 ,my dear ,mr4 ,arthur4 ,in addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be1 ,to ,his ,excellency1 ,the ,governor of ,massachusetts1 ,state ,house1 ,boston4 ,the salutation should be ,sir1 if official1 but ,dear ,governor ,barnard1 if social4 ,the conclusion of an official letter should read1 ,i have the honor to be1 ,sir1 ,your ,excellency's most obedient servant4 ,the mayor of a city is addressed1 ,to ,his ,honor1 ,the ,mayor of ,chicago4 ,within1 he is saluted officially as ,your ,honor1 socially as ,my dear ,mayor ,sewall4 ,ambassadors of any country1 whatever their personal distinction1 may be given the title of ,honorable1 and their rank placed after the surname4 ,as1 ,honorable ,whitelaw ,reid1 ,ambassador to the ,court of ,st4 ,james4 ,they may always be addressed as ,your ,excellency4 ,the members of the ,cabinet of the ,president of the ,united ,states are always addressed as ,honorable1 and the name of their department1 or their title added3 as1 ,the ,honorable1 ,the ,secretary of ,state4 ,to give the name would be superfluous1 as in the case of the ,president4 ,on formal invitations1 however1 when the ,secretary and his wife are entertaining1 the form is1 ,the ,secretary of ,state and ,mrs4 ,hay request the honor1 etc4 ,invitations which come to one because of his official position are not intended for personal compliments1 hence are addressed to the office1 not to the man personally4 ,an invitation from the ,president of the ,united ,states is equal to a command1 and may not be declined4 ,other engagements must be broken for it1 and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one1 the excuse being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret4 ,in ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used4 ,should one address the ruler of ,england1 the superscription would be1 ,his ,majesty1 ,the ,king1 ,london4 ,the salutation would be1 ,sir2 the conclusion1 ,i have the honor to be1 ,sir1 ,your ,majesty's most obedient servant4 ,his ,grace the ,duke of ,fife is the form of address for a ,duke2 ,my ,lord ,duke being the salutation1 and ,your ,grace's most obedient servant the subscription4 ,in writing to the ,pope of the ,roman ,catholic ,church1 one should address the letter to ,his ,holiness1 ,pope ----1 ,rome4 ,the salutation should be ,your ,holiness1 but the conclusion remains the same form as for other dignitaries4 ,a ,cardinal of the same church is addressed ,to ,his ,eminence 7,christian name7 ,cardinal 7surname71 and greeted as ,your ,eminence4 ,formality should be strictly observed4 ,an ,archbishop of the ,church of ,england is addressed1 ,the ,most ,reverend 7name7 ,his ,grace the ,lord ,archbishop of 7name of bishopric74 ,the salutation is ,my ,lord ,archbishop2 the subscription1 ,i have the honor to be1 with the highest respect1 ,your ,grace's most humble servant4 ,a ,bishop is addressed ,the ,right ,reverend the ,lord ,bishop of 7name of diocese74 ,he is saluted ,my ,lord ,bishop4 ,in the ,united ,states the ,bishops of the ,protestant ,episcopal ,church1 who are not here ,lords1 are addressed1 singly1 as ,the ,right ,reverend 7,christian name and surname74 ,d4 ,d41 or ,the ,right ,reverend ,bishop of 7name of diocese74 ,they are saluted1 singly1 ,most ,reverend ,sir4 ,the word ,to may precede a formal or ceremonious address1 adding to the formality4 ,an envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never be sealed1 if presented in person by the party introduced4 ,if1 however1 he should deliver it by messenger1--an exceptional procedure1 and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual circumstances1--the envelope may be sealed4 ,no letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed4 ,the envelope should bear1 in the lower left-hand corner1 the acknowledgment of the favor in words like ,kindness of ,miss ,hallowell4 ,salutation1 ,conclusion1 and ,signature of ,letters ,a stranger should be saluted as follows3 ,mr4 ,eugene ,motley1 ,my dear ,sir2 ,mrs4 ,alonzo ,parmenter1 ,dear ,madam2 or ,eugene ,motley1 ,esq41 ,my dear ,sir4 ,these are forms slightly more formal than ,my dear ,mr4 ,motley1 or ,my dear ,mrs4 ,parmenter1 which in ,america are strangely considered more formal than ,dear ,mr4 ,motley1 or ,dear ,mrs4 ,parmenter1 although in ,england the reverse is true4 ,therefore1 a mere acquaintance is addressed ,my dear ,mrs4 ,judson1 while a friend is addressed ,dear ,mr4 ,clark4 ,a married woman signs her name1 as ,ethel ,husted1 and then puts her formal name1 ,mrs4 ,hollis ,husted1 in brackets a little to the left of and a little below the other4 ,never sign a title4 ,the name only is your signature4 ,it may be necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left1 as 7,miss7 or 7,mrs471 but it should never be part of the signature4 ,such notes as demand the use of the title are put in the third person4 ,the date should be at the end of a social note1 in the lower left-hand corner1 and should be written out1 with the name of the year omitted and no figures used4 ,the grammatical form is ,the ninth of ,december1 never ,december the ninth1 nor ,december ninth4 ,in business letters the salutation for a firm name is ,dear ,sir1 or ,gentlemen4 ,where two married women go into business together1 there seems to be in ,english no combined title to take the place of the ,french1 so that is generally used1 and that is ,mesdames1 abbreviated ,mmes4 before their names4 ,the formal conclusions of letters are3 ,respectfully yours1 used to a superior2 ,sincerely yours1 or ,truly yours1 used largely in business1 or the same forms with the adverb ,very preceding them4 ,less formal terms are3 ,cordially yours1 ,fraternally yours1 or the pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the writer may suggest4 ,less abrupt1 but not less formal1 endings are3 ,with best regards1 ,i am1 etc42 ,with kindest regards1 ,i remain1 etc42 ,believe me ,very sincerely yours4 ,for intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified suggestions are needed4 ,the ordinary form1 ,your affectionate daughter1 or niece1 etc41 may1 however1 be employed1 in dearth of special inspiration4 ,distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by the position of ,yours1--it being placed before the adverb in social correspondence1 and after in business4 ,the tone of the letter may be left to guide in this matter4 ,there is an abruptness always somewhat unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone4 ,make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of cordiality4 ,do not begin formally ,my dear ,madam1 and end ,cordially yours4 ,every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer4 ,a possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of one's own family1 where the use of the ,christian name only would mean no ambiguity1 or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of formality4 ,it is well1 however1 to remember that letters placed in the post take the chances of fortune1 and1 with the plainest of addresses1 may1 by the absence of the person or for some other cause1 bring up in the ,dead-,letter ,office4 ,their resurrection there will depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as his address4 ,if a letter is valuable enough to send1 it is valuable enough to sign1 even if the signature be double1--first the familiar or given name1 and then1 in the lower left-hand corner1 the full name4 ,it is well to use always the name which is your legal signature4 ,this will prevent confusion1 and forestall the possibility of your putting1 from force of habit1 the wrong form of your name upon a legal document4 ,it is well to write one's name in full4 ,three complete names are none too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours4 ,if1 however1 the middle one is represented by an initial only1 always write it uniformly4 ,it is better1 if the form with initial only has not become really established1 to use the full name1 although it may be long4 ,the form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon become habitual4 ,therefore1 every effort should be made to make and keep it legible4 ,an illegible signature is unpardonable1--save perhaps on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives the name in full4 ,there is1 however1 the danger that the writer of the illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document1 or a sheet not bearing his letterhead1 and the signature stand for nothing4 ,letters of ,introduction ,a letter of introduction should never be requested4 ,if it is offered it is a sign of great regard4 ,if it is greatly desired1 it might be well to acquaint the person1 in whose power it is to offer it1 with the circumstances and interests which make it desirable1 but never to do more than this4 ,the advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the circumstances4 ,between business acquaintances and for business purposes1 it is a common form of establishing connection among various interests1 and1 if done with discrimination1 is to be approved4 ,it should1 however1 even in business be done sparingly1 as it is a matter of personal friendship1 usually1 and as no one has a right to make numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends4 ,socially it is a matter of great delicacy1 and should have even more restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company4 ,for the written introduction is used because distance prevents the personal one1 and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer1 or at least of benefactor to some degree4 ,it places upon him an obligation not involved in the verbal introduction1 and the presumption is that he is to do some favor1 or show some special attention4 ,letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief4 ,brevity is preferable1 but circumstances must determine4 ,a visiting card is often used with the words ,introducing ,mr4 ,allan ,golding to ,mr4 ,morris1 or similar form1 written across the top4 ,the card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed4 ,a brief form of letter simply says3 ,permit me to introduce to your favorable notice ,mr4 ,silas ,emerson4 ,a more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would resemble the following3 ,the bearer1 ,mr4 ,mark ,w4 ,allen1 who is an old friend and neighbor of mine1 represents the ,altmann ,irrigation ,company1 and is desirous of obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put into your county4 ,knowing your influential position in regard to all matters of public interest1 ,i have sent him to you in the hope that you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him the desired information4 ,any favor that you may do ,mr4 ,allen1 or any courtesy that you may extend to him1 will be deeply appreciated by me4 ,a purely social letter of introduction would say in substance3 ,mrs4 ,arthur ,l4 ,westmore1 who presents this letter to you1 is an intimate and cherished friend of mine1 and one whom ,i know you would desire to meet4 ,she is to spend some little time in your city1 and any courtesy that you may do her ,i shall deeply appreciate4 ,i have told her of our friendship1 and she knows how highly ,i value you1 and is eager to meet you4 ,when a letter of introduction is given1 it is well to write the receiver concerning the friend who will present it1 that he may not be taken unawares1 nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that friend upon him4 ,a gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and sending in the letter1 together with one of his personal cards1 by the servant who answers the bell1 or by the office boy4 ,a lady usually mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address4 ,she should receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a day or two4 ,a person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge to the giver the courtesy he has received1 with due gratitude4 ,letters of ,recommendation ,letters of recommendation should be sparingly given4 ,it is becoming less and less important1 in the minds of experienced employers1 to demand references4 ,the personality of the applicant counts1 and the varying traits which different positions cultivate make the experiences of the past of but little guidance1 save in a broad and general way4 ,the giving of recommendations at random1 ,to whom it may concern1 is also less done than formerly1 as there is such uncertainty in regard to their use4 ,instead of this1 the servant is told that she may use the former mistress's name as reference4 ,the new1 would-be employer then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer4 ,in replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown4 ,full justice should be done the servant4 ,only the truth should be told1 and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience1 coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer1 permit4 ,these letters should be brief and not effusive on any point1 nor evasive of the issue at stake4 ,never write to another1 asking for information1 or a favor of any kind1 without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply4 ,third-person ,letters ,letters are written in the third person in answer to formal invitations so worded1 and in correspondence between people but slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation1 persons not social equals1 and by tradespeople and their patrons4 ,great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction throughout the letter1 and to refrain from signing it4 ,the tone should always be formal and very polite4 ,an order may take the form of a request1 as ,will ,mr4 ,sutherland please 4 4 4 and oblige1 with the signature of the writer4 ,informal ,invitations and ,announcements ,in inviting a friend to visit you1 it is customary to mention the length of the visit1 setting a definite date for it and limit to it4 ,this makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other engagements4 ,a time-table of the trains1 if the guest comes from the distance1 with an account of the trolley lines1 if from near at hand1 should be enclosed4 ,the engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances4 ,the following form of note may serve as a suggestion3 ,i am sure that you will join our household in sympathy with ,eleanor in her happiness when ,i tell you that she has just announced her engagement to ,mr4 ,harold ,farnham1 a man of whom her father and ,i thoroughly approve4 ,the wedding will not take place for some months1 but felicitations are in order4 ,letters of ,condolence ,a letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere1 or else the courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in the observance4 ,such letters should be sent very promptly4 ,to expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless or thoughtless1 and as there is no danger of ambiguity1 the letter does not need to account for itself in any way4 ,the following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need ever be1 and the second form is preferable1 unless great intimacy makes the less abrupt one permissible4 ,,dear ,,mr4 ,,legrow3 ,i have read of your bereavement with the deepest sorrow4 ,i cannot tell you how fully ,i sympathize with you and your children1 or how my heart aches for you in your loneliness4 ,may you have strength and grace to bear up under the great loss you have sustained4 ,sincerely yours1 ,,margaret ,,edelstone4 ,,dear ,,mrs4 ,,hilcox3 ,you have my deepest sympathy4 ,ever cordially yours1 ,,mildred ,,hasseltine4 ,answering ,letters ,business letters should be answered by return mail1 as should also all invitations to dinner or luncheon4 ,all invitations should be answered within a day if possible1 because delay looks like a reluctance to accept4 ,they should certainly be answered1 either personally or by letter1 within a week after the invitation is received4 ,friendly letters should have such promptness of response as circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand4 ,notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth1 and in the latter case at least1 should be followed by a call4 ,a personal visiting card1 with the words ,thank you for sympathy written over the name1 is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of condolence4 ,to very intimate friends1 however1 the spontaneous note of thanks would be more courteous4 ,as it is almost impossible1 at such a time1 to attend to matters of social intercourse1 the sending of the card is always permissible1 and can occasion no offense1 even if the more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for4 ,,chapter ,v ,,casual ,,meetings ,,and ,,calls ,greetings and ,recognitions ,,the bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the ,united ,states to-day4 ,the bow varies from a very slight inclination of the head1 as one gentleman passes another1 or from the quick touching of the hat with the hand1 in a sort of reminiscence of the military salute1 to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of ,european ceremonial courtesy4 ,the usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders1 with the eyes kept on those of the person greeted1 the hat being removed from the head and held in the right hand during the bow1--which is at once brief1 deferential1 and dignified4 ,it may be accompanied by the handshake1 in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand4 ,the degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous1 determined by the deference felt1 or the emotions which the meeting may summon4 ,it is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain1 for they are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose1 or in the carriage of the shoulders1 or in the movement of an eyelash1 and usually nobody is deceived4 ,the correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near together1 the legs straight1 and the entire body inclined from the hips4 ,this is somewhat too extreme for common use1 and should be modified always in public1 the less elaborate bow being much preferable upon the street or in public places4 ,a woman bows more erectly than a man does1 and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting1 which should always be characteristic1 and never mechanical1 or in imitation of others1 whose natural traits may be far different1 however admirable she may consider their style to be4 ,it is only when she meets some one her senior1 or in much more important social position1 or one whom she specially delights to honor1 that she elaborates her bow1 or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion admit of the formality4 ,a lady should be straightforward in her greeting1 never condescending to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow4 ,she should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting another1 and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of such a meeting4 ,the handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally from the elbow and clasping1 between the closed four fingers and thumb of the hand1 the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand1 then quietly shaking it4 ,this is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped hands1--not the elbow1--to the height of the shoulders1 and there mildly shaking them1 or clasping them with a slight pressure and letting them drop1--styles savoring of affectation4 ,the impulse prompting the handshake1--that of getting together in intimate personal greeting1--is accomplished when the clasp is ended1 and vigorous and prolonged shaking1 or special pressure1 or continued holding of the hand1 are all alike unpardonable4 ,the bow is the least sign of recognition1 and may mean little or much1 but its significance is known only to the two concerned4 ,while it is permissible in public places to make its cordiality1 or lack of it1 apparent1 it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial courtesy4 ,the bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance4 ,it may mean only a casual knowledge of one another's existence1 due to some brief coming together4 ,intentionally to neglect to bow1 after a bowing acquaintance has once been established1 is an open affront1 and denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult4 ,the dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to recognize1 may1 in our complicated social system1 sometimes be necessary1 but it is only justified by the necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more flagrant social abuses4 ,it is a woman's privilege1 in meeting a man whom she knows1 to bow first4 ,indeed1 the man always waits for her to do so1 unless he is a very intimate friend4 ,a woman should always be sure1 before bowing to a man1 that she knows him and that she has caught his eye4 ,when a gentleman is walking with a lady1 he lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance1 even if the person is not known to him4 ,so1 also1 when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows1 who is in the company of a lady1 he lifts his hat4 ,when1 walking with a lady1 he meets a gentleman whom he knows1 he removes his hat4 ,when a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one only1 it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she requests him to replace it4 ,this is done with social superiors and to show great respect1 being more ceremonial than finds common acceptance among ,americans4 ,when he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady1 he also lifts his hat4 ,it is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a lady1 even though a total stranger1 and upon leaving a lady with whom he or a person accompanying him has been talking4 ,it is well to return a bow which is directed to you1 even if you do not know the one bowing4 ,this often saves considerable embarrassment to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else4 ,when passing before ladies seated in a lecture hall1 or concert1 a gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them4 ,in passing or repassing on the street or promenade1 a single bow is sufficient recognition1 even though you may meet an acquaintance several times4 ,a lady1 receiving in her own home1 shakes hands with the stranger with the same cordiality as with the friend4 ,a gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in hand-shaking4 ,if a lady offers her hand1 however1 it would be very rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy4 ,persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend1 but have not been introduced1 are under no obligation to bow when they meet elsewhere afterward1 and usually do not4 ,when a man passes a lady on a staircase1 in the corridor of a hotel1 in the elevator of a private apartment house1 or in the public rooms of a hotel1 he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger4 ,this rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of office buildings1 with the exception1 perhaps1 of banks and such offices as people of wealth frequent2 for a new fineness of courtesy has made men feel that1 as women are winning an equality of position in the business field1 a delicate way of recognizing that equality is by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the social attentions4 ,another marked expression of this is in the fact that a business man1 when walking on the street with a business woman1 does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk4 ,an indication of the two kinds of courtesy1 social and business1 is often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life1 perhaps the wife of one of the men present1 enters an office where there are both men and women of equal business importance and social rank4 ,there is an elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife1 who is in private life1 which would not be paid1 and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid1 to the business woman1 even though she were at once the active vice president of the corporation and wife of the president4 ,introductions ,the usual form of introduction is1 ,mrs4 ,allen1 may ,i present ,mr4 ,brown8 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,allen1 let me present ,mr4 ,brown4 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,caldwell1 allow me to present ,colonel ,glazier4 ,where1 however1 the permission need not be suggested1 and the relative standing of the people is the same1 the form may be only1 ,mrs4 ,gleason1 ,mr4 ,ansel4 ,when it is necessary to introduce one person to several1 the form is1 ,mrs4 ,gladstone1 ,i want you to meet ,mrs4 ,falmouth1 ,miss ,washburn1 ,mr4 ,cronkshaw1 and ,mr4 ,edgerton4 ,the one introduced simply repeats each name and smiles as she greets each in turn4 ,another form much in use is1 ,miss ,hanscom1 ,i want you to know my friend1 ,mr4 ,thompson1 the artist1 and is preferable because of its definiteness4 ,the response to an introduction is1 ,i am happy to meet you1 or1 ,i am very glad to meet you4 ,if one does not catch the name of the person introduced1 it is proper to ask it1 saying1 ,pardon me1 but ,i did not understand the name4 ,introductions should always be spoken distinctly1 especially the names4 ,if1 in introducing1 one can add a sentence which will give a subject of conversation1 the preliminaries of acquaintance may be speedily passed1 and memorable information and real profit be gleaned from even a casual meeting4 ,it is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction1 and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his favor4 ,persons who have not been introduced are not considered acquainted4 ,the exceptions to this rule are the guests under a common roof1 while they are there4 ,introductions should never be indiscriminately made4 ,there should be willingness1 if not eagerness1 on the part of both to meet4 ,a hostess is1 however1 warranted in introducing two people who she knows will be congenial1 or if they have before expressed a desire to become acquainted4 ,if any doubt exists as to how the introduction will be received by either1 they should not be introduced4 ,one should never introduce two acquaintances who reside in the same town but move in different social circles1 unless each had desired the introduction4 ,if there is a difference of station or age1 then it is necessary only to ask the older or more prominent person whether the introduction would be acceptable4 ,this should be done quietly1 and quite out of hearing or knowledge of the other person concerned4 ,a gentleman should ask a mutual friend for an introduction to a lady whom he wishes to meet4 ,unless there is no possible objection1 the mutual friend should not introduce the gentleman until he has made sure that the lady is willing4 ,it is not well to introduce gentlemen to one another indiscriminately1 nor should ladies be so introduced4 ,one wishes to keep the boundaries of one's acquaintance within certain definite limits1 and choice is easier made before acquaintance than after4 ,so1 one shows great care in offering introductions to others1 and exercises the same care for one's self4 ,if a hostess and her guest are out walking together1 the hostess would introduce to her guest every friend who happened to stop and speak with her1 and the guest1 should she meet acquaintances of her own1 would introduce each of them to her hostess4 ,this is practically the only case where indiscriminate introducing is good form1 and here the obligations of hospitality safeguard it4 ,a lady usually offers her hand to a gentleman who has been introduced to her1 but a bow1 a smile1 and a repetition of the name are all that is necessary where several introductions are being made1 as at a large reception or dancing party4 ,a gentleman always offers his hand to another gentleman on being introduced4 ,an elderly lady may offer her hand in all introductions with perfect propriety4 ,if1 while walking out with a friend1 you meet another1 do not introduce the two4 ,a transient meeting is of no particular moment to them1 and their friendship or acquaintance with you is not necessarily of strong enough interest to make them desire acquaintance4 ,if1 however1 you meet at some public place1 and are detained there together for several minutes1 then the introduction should be given4 ,when meeting at the house of a mutual acquaintance1 friends may introduce friends1 but it is preferable to leave the introductions to the hostess4 ,it is no longer necessary to introduce each guest to everybody else at a party4 ,introductions are made as opportunity or necessity may dictate4 ,this abolishing of promiscuous and wholesale introductions relieves two very embarrassing situations1--that of being introduced by announcement to a whole roomful of people1 and that of being taken around and introduced to them singly4 ,a mother may present her son1 or a sister her brother1 or a wife her husband1 if she so desires1 without any question as to the propriety of it4 ,a man should not1 on the other hand1 introduce another man to his wife1 or a son or brother make a presentation of a man to his mother or sister1 unless he knows that such acquaintance could not but be agreeable to the lady1 and unless it meets with his own approval4 ,for it is a man's place always to safeguard a woman against undesirable acquaintances4 ,a woman1 in introducing her husband1 gives him his title1 if he has one1 as ,judge ,hartwell1 ,doctor ,foley4 ,the wife of the ,president of the ,united ,states speaks of him only as ,the ,president1 and in presenting people to him1 he is always addressed as ,mr4 ,president1 with the invariable omission of his surname4 ,a friend or acquaintance1 no matter how distinguished1 is always presented to one's father or mother or one's intimate relative1 where the intimacy of the relation makes an honor more distinguishing1 in the mind of the introducer1 than any of reputation or position4 ,a young man should be introduced to an older man1 a young woman to an older woman4 ,a man is always presented to a woman1 never the reverse4 ,if a lady is seated and a man is presented to her1 she need not rise4 ,if two ladies1 both seated1 are introduced to each other1 they should rise1 unless one is old or an invalid1 in which case both remain seated4 ,two gentlemen1 though both are seated1 rise and shake hands when introduced4 ,a young lady always rises when an elderly person is introduced4 ,introductions are not made at table4 ,the guests at a dinner party should be presented to one another in the drawing-room before coming to the table1 and if that is impossible1 as many should be introduced as may be1 especially those who are to sit beside or near or opposite each other4 ,if one is seated beside a guest whom he has not met1 the man takes the initiative in speaking a few words as soon as he takes his seat1 to which the lady responds always cordially1 keeping up more or less of a conversation during the dinner4 ,at dancing parties all those who are giving the party1 as well as all the ushers and those who receive1 make introductions as general as possible1 so as to insure the pleasure of the guests during the evening4 ,an introduction at a dance carries with it the obligation on the part of the man to ask the woman for a dance1 and on her part to grant his request unless her card is full4 ,when traveling great care should be taken as to introductions4 ,as a guest one should be ready and willing to meet any one whom his host or hostess may introduce1 even though it be an enemy4 ,the obligations of hospitality rest nowhere more heavily than in this matter4 ,they demand that impartial courtesy should be shown to every one4 ,calls ,calls must be made in person1 rather than by card left by messenger or post1 after an invitation to dinner1 luncheon1 supper1 or similar function1 and that within a week or1 at farthest1 two weeks of the date of the affair4 ,one should also call in person within two weeks of any entertainment to which one has been asked1 especially if one has attended4 ,one need repay formal calls1 where no invitation to any social occasion has been received1 only once a year4 ,even in this case1 cards may be sent by mail4 ,in the country it is usual to go in person1 though one does not ask if the lady of the house is at home4 ,calls should be made upon the ,at ,home day1 if one is engraved upon the card4 ,if a person is ill1 a near relative1 or intimate friend1 may leave a card for her at the house of the friend upon whom she wished to call4 ,society holds young people who are free to attend parties and entertainments under stern obligation to pay their social calls4 ,young mothers1 professional women1 students1 invalids1 and semi-invalids are not expected to conform rigidly to the same rules4 ,if a young woman can go to a party to amuse herself1 she must call afterwards to acknowledge the courtesy of the invitation4 ,if a mother cannot call in person1 her daughter or some one else may pay the necessary calls in her stead4 ,or she may invite the people whom she would otherwise call on1 to an afternoon tea1 which is more of a compliment than a call4 ,in calling at a house1 should the door be opened by a member of the family1 the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman1 but steps in1 asking for the person whom she wants to see4 ,she may leave her card unobtrusively on the table when she goes out4 ,if a maid opens the door1 the card is handed to her and received on a small tray4 ,no well-trained maid ever extends her hand to receive a visiting card4 ,if a caller wishes to be very formal1 she leaves a card for every lady in the family on whom she wishes to call4 ,in the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's card with her own1 and she usually does this also when making a call at the close of the season4 ,an unmarried woman calling on a married friend leaves only one card4 ,if the friend has daughters or is entertaining a guest1 a card may be left for each4 ,a lady always rises to receive a visitor4 ,it takes good judgment to know when to go1 but it should be cultivated and practised4 ,lingering in taking one's leave is a great weariness1 to one's hostess if not to one's self4 ,after a birth calls are made upon the mother after the child is a month old4 ,after a death the friends of the family should call in person inside of a month4 ,the members of the family do not receive them1 however1 unless they wish to do so4 ,social ,calls of ,men ,a man never carries or leaves the cards of other men1 nor can he leave cards for any of the women of his family4 ,a gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card tray1 on entering the house1 a card for his hostess and one for his host4 ,the card for his host must be left1 even if that gentleman does not appear in the drawing-room1 provided the caller is acquainted with him1 and providing he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality recently received4 ,if there is a host1 hostess1 and young lady daughter in the house1 and the caller is a friend of the latter1 he leaves three cards4 ,the man who is making his first or last call for the season on the regular afternoon at home1 leaves one card for each of the ladies1 and each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim4 ,when a man calls on a lady's day at home1 and his call has no reference to any social debts1 he leaves only one card in the tray4 ,if he is somewhat intimate in the house where the call is paid1 he leaves no card at all4 ,a man does not call upon a woman unless she invites him1 or some member of her family does1 or he goes with a mutual friend who has made sure of his welcome4 ,a woman may say to a man1 ,mother and ,i are usually at home ,fridays1 and would like to have you call1 or some other form of invitation which denotes cordiality4 ,a man who desires to call in particular upon one lady1 in a family where there are several1 hands his card to the servant with the words1 ,please give this to ,miss ,curley1 and ,i would like to see all the other ladies also4 ,the ladies appear and greet him1 withdrawing that he may call upon the one he especially wished to see4 ,if calling upon a guest in a home1 you always ask for the hostess also4 ,a man retains his hat1 gloves1 and walking stick in hand during a formal call1 though he may have left his overcoat in the hall4 ,first ,calls ,in ,america it is the usual custom for residents of the city or town to call first upon newcomers4 ,washington is a well-known exception to this rule1 as strangers there call first upon government officials and their families4 ,in most ,european cities newcomers call first upon those already in residence4 ,the residents1 from the officials down1 return their cards1 and the visitor or newcomer receives invitations to social functions4 ,in practice the resident does not usually know anything about the stranger1 and may not have even heard of her arrival4 ,sometimes the newcomer sends out cards for several days in a month1 to those with whom she would like to become acquainted4 ,if she can enclose the card of a mutual friend1 as a silent voucher for her social standing1 her position is more quickly and more surely granted her4 ,clergymen and their families1 brides1 and persons of note are entitled to receive first calls4 ,the older residents of the community are expected to lead in the list of callers who welcome the newcomers4 ,first calls should be promptly returned1 within a week at the very latest4 ,a married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintance4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,the ,,personal ,,card ,,and ,,the ,,engraved ,,invitation ,form of ,card ,a ,,man',s card is usually one and a half by three inches in size1 and made of fairly stiff bristol board4 ,a woman's card is usually about two and three-sixteenths by three inches1 and made of dull-finish1 fine1 medium-weight bristol board4 ,the color of cards is a fine pearl white4 ,cream or tinted cards are never in good form4 ,the engraving varies from plain script to elaborate ,old ,english text1 or shaded ,roman type1 according to the fashion4 ,the engraver may be trusted to know the style and stock most in use4 ,the card of an unmarried lady should be somewhat smaller than that of the married4 ,this distinction is made1 however1 only in case of the card of the dbutante4 ,inscription ,if there is room across the card the full name should be engraved4 ,if the names are too long1 only the initials of given names should be used4 ,all inscriptions on one card should be in the same style of type4 ,mr4 is prefixed1 unless there is a special title1 such as1 ,reverend1 ,doctor1 ,colonel1 etc4 ,if a man should1 in an emergency1 write his own name on a card1 he would not prefix the ,mr41 or any other title4 ,the name should be written in full and should be an autograph4 ,a married lady should have her husband's full name1 or such form or parts of it as he uses1 with the title ,mrs41 and not her own name4 ,a young woman has the title ,miss engraved before her name1 even though she be only a schoolgirl4 ,a young man has no title at all on his card1 but simply his full name4 ,the newly married couple use a card with the title of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 for the first year after marriage1 in returning their ceremonious calls after the wedding1 and paying formal calls when the husband is unable to accompany the wife4 ,these cards should have the address in the lower right-hand corner1 and the reception day or days in the lower left4 ,after the first year they are seldom used in paying calls1 but can be used for condolence1 congratulation1 or farewell where both husband and wife desire to be formally represented4 ,a woman who is personally distinguished1 who occupies a high social position1 or whose husband stands at the head of his family1 may have only ,mrs4 ,barnaby1 not ,mrs4 ,john ,barnaby1 upon her cards4 ,it is better1 however1 not to do so unless one has the indisputable right to be considered as the ,mrs4 ,barnaby of the locality4 ,it is customary for the wife of the oldest brother of the oldest branch of the family alone to have the privilege of this form4 ,the same rule of precedence applies to single women4 ,the oldest unmarried daughter of the oldest brother1 and she alone1 has the right to use ,miss ,campbell on her card1 although she may have a cousin who is much older than herself1 but who is the daughter of a younger brother of the same family4 ,a widow has no cards during her year of mourning1 as she makes no formal visits4 ,after that1 cards with black border to any depth desired may be used4 ,a widow has no legal right to retain her husband's ,christian name1 but she often prefers to do so1 and it is entirely proper1 the question being one of sentiment alone4 ,in case there is a married son of the same name as the father1 then it is proper for the mother to put ,sr4 for ,senior1 at the end of her name1 should she desire still to retain her husband's ,christian name4 ,in such a case widows occasionally prefer to use their own names or initials4 ,in this country a married woman merges her name with that of her husband4 ,it is not uncommon nowadays for married women to sign their own ,christian name1 their maiden surname1 and their husband's surname as their signature4 ,there is value in this as it preserves the family identity of the married woman1 but the question of its legality may always be raised4 ,the name of daughter or daughters is often engraved below that of the mother on her card1 before the young woman enters formally into society4 ,the form ,the ,misses ,smith may be used1 or the names given separately4 ,in ,new ,york in some circles the dbutante is not given a separate card until she has been in society a year4 ,as ,american schoolgirls often have a card with the prefix ,miss1 the dbutante may use this among her girl friends4 ,to write anything on an engraved card except ,condolences1 ,congratulations1 ,p4 p4 c41 is not considered good style1 although a lady may use her visiting card with ,five o'clock tea1 ,music1 or a special date written upon it as an informal invitation to a musical or ,at ,home4 ,a business or professional woman may have1 in addition to her society card1 a card with her own name for business purposes4 ,this usually has a word or two denoting her profession in the lower left-hand corner1 and her business address in the lower right4 ,a lady's card should always contain her home address in the lower right-hand corner4 ,her afternoon ,at ,home is usually given in the lower left4 ,the address is often omitted from cards for men1 being engraved on those of the women of the family4 ,men belonging to a fashionable or well-known club put its name1 instead of their residence1 on their cards4 ,this is especially the case when they do not live at home4 ,if living at a club1 the address is put on the lower left-hand corner2 if living at home1 the lower right-hand corner4 ,on a man's business cards the title ,mr4 is omitted1 the name of his firm1 their business1 and address1 being engraved in the lower left-hand corner4 ,titles ,titles which signify permanent rank1 or profession that lasts for life1 and which are allied to a man's identity or distinctly bear upon his social standing1 should be used4 ,temporary titles1 which have no special social rank or bearing1 or professional titles1 such as ,esquire for lawyers1 which have no social significance1 are not used4 ,for the same reason that temporary or technical titles are not used1 honorary titles are omitted4 ,there should be no pretense in regard to social position1 as pretense is easy and futile4 ,a man appears in society simply as an ordinary individual1 to win favor and position by force of his personality1 or to lose it thereby4 ,an army or a naval officer1 a physician1 a judge1 or a clergyman may use his title on his card1 as1 for instance1 ,captain ,james ,smith1 ,judge ,henry ,gray1 ,rev4 ,thomas ,jones1 ,d4 ,d4 ,the card of an ,associate ,justice of the ,united ,states ,supreme ,court at ,washington reads ,mr4 ,justice ,holmes4 ,military or complimentary titles are not used1 nor are coats of arms4 ,in this republican country it is considered an affectation and bad taste so to make use of them4 ,political and judicial titles are also omitted1 as are academic titles1 such as ,chancellor1 ,dean1 and ,professor4 ,no title below the rank of ,captain is used on the card in military circles4 ,a lieutenant's card would give his full name with the prefix ,mr4 and below it the words1 ,lieutenant of ,fifth ,cavalry1 ,united ,states ,army1 or simply1 ,united ,states ,coast ,guard ,service4 ,use ,the etiquette of the visiting card is a fluctuating one4 ,it cannot be laid down for all time1 or even for next season4 ,on entering at a reception1 or afternoon tea1 one leaves a card in the salver offered by the butler or attendant who opens the door1 or upon the hall table1 as a reminder to the hostess1 who can hardly be expected to remember1 if entertaining a large number1 every one who has been there4 ,one does not leave cards at a wedding reception1 however4 ,at an afternoon tea1 it is no longer necessary to leave a card apiece from all the members of the invited families to all the members of the family of the hostess and her guests also4 ,the single card for the host and hostess is all that is required4 ,should one be invited to a series of receptions1 one leaves cards only once although one may attend twice4 ,leaving cards in person after a tea or reception is good form only for ceremonious affairs4 ,after the usual private reception one should certainly call4 ,if only one member of a family can attend a reception to which the others have been invited1 she may leave the cards of the others1 together with her own1 with perfect propriety4 ,also when one is not able to attend a reception or an afternoon tea1 cards may be sent by mail1 although it is better to send them by messenger1 to arrive on the day of the entertainment4 ,one should call within a fortnight4 ,it is not now considered necessary to call in person where formerly it was so held4 ,the sending of the personal card often takes the place of the call4 ,nor need this be done by messenger4 ,cards for any purpose may now be sent by mail4 ,after removing from one part of the city to another1 it is customary for ladies to send engraved cards with their new address and with their reception day to all of their circle of acquaintances4 ,a woman who is stopping for a brief time in a city where she has friends1 sends to them her card containing her temporary address and the length of her stay1 as ,here until ,june second1 or ,here until ,sunday4 ,a man1 however1 calls upon his friends1 and if they are absent leaves his card giving the same information4 ,if a son old enough to go into society wishes to do so1 his card is left with his father's and mother's at the beginning of the season4 ,he will then be invited to the functions given by the friends of his parents4 ,when there is illness or mourning in the household1 friends leave their cards with the words ,to inquire1 ,sincere condolence1 or ,sympathy written upon them4 ,the card which accompanies wedding gifts should be the joint card of ,mr4 and ,mrs41 if the gift is sent jointly1 and may well have the words ,best wishes and congratulations1 written upon it4 ,the initials ,p4 p4 c41 meaning ,pour prendre cong1 or ,to take leave1 are written upon one's personal cards1 which are then sent out to one's friends when one is going away from a place either permanently or for a long time4 ,they are usually written in the lower left-hand corner of the card4 ,these cards may be sent by post1 when the person leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit4 ,they are not used when leaving town for the summer4 ,it is quite proper to send or leave ,p4 p4 c4 cards when one goes away from a summer resort1 especially if the people to whom they are sent do not live during the year in the same town or city with the sender4 ,it is no longer permissible to fold over the ends of a card1 to signify that it was intended for all the members of the family4 ,the birth of a child may be announced by a small card containing the full name of the child daintily engraved1 with the date of the birth in the lower left-hand corner4 ,the card is tied to the mother's card by white ribbon1 and both are enclosed in one envelope and sent by post4 ,visiting cards for those who are in mourning are the same size as the ordinary card4 ,the width of the black border is regulated by the degree of the relationship to the deceased4 ,the ,engraved ,invitation ,a fine grade of heavy1 unglazed1 pure white paper1 sude finish1 in double sheet folded to a size about five by seven and a half inches1 or less1 inserted in an envelope of the same width but half the length1 is used for the billet on which wedding invitations and announcements are engraved4 ,the impress of the plate demarks a margin of about an inch4 ,a heavy or medium grade of white bristol board is used for invitations to ,at ,homes1 dinner1 receptions1 dances1 and all like social functions for which the common visiting card is not used4 ,the size used varies with the number of words in the invitation1 and may be quite large1 as for a club or society reception1 or formal openings or special occasions where a business corporation is the host4 ,these cards have the same plate margin as the wedding invitation1 although it is much narrower4 ,only the most formal invitations have space left for the writing in of the name of the guest4 ,the billet1 however1 has certain advantages1 especially where the occasion is very formal and select1 and the information which should be furnished the guest is considerable4 ,elegance of this sort is now very costly4 ,several styles of type are in use3 namely1 the script having close round letters1 and being as nearly black as ,roman or ,old ,english when engraved2 a script lighter and more cursive2 an ,old ,english lettering2 a shaded ,roman letter1 which is constantly growing in popularity2 shaded ,caxton2 solid and shaded ,french script2 and a plain ,roman block letter4 ,the script is the type most commonly used1 both because of its beauty and legibility1 and because of the comparative inexpensiveness of engraving1 the cost being about half of that of either the ,old ,english or the shaded ,roman type4 ,it is obvious that the size of page in this book will not permit facsimile reproductions of specimens of invitations and other social forms1 which in nearly every case require a different proportion of space than the page offers4 ,therefore1 to reproduce the style of lettering used for these forms has not been attempted4 ,the examples present correct wording and proportionate arrangement4 ,the following plates1 which are exact photographs of steel and copper engraving1 present several styles of script1 ,old ,english1 and shaded and plain ,roman faces1 but do not represent more than a few sizes1 and those the most common4 ,illustration3 ,type styles and sizes for invitations at the ,church of the ,messiah ,two ,dancing ,parties request the pleasure of ,at ,home ,at ,home announce the marriage of ,,brookline1 ,,massachusetts ,first ,unitarian ,church request the honour of your presence ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,new ,hampshire ,,announce ,,the ,,marriage ,,of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 at ,emmanuel ,church at ,warren1 ,pennsylvania ,mrs4 ,william ,howell ,meade ,mrs4 ,william ,howell ,meade ,mrs4 ,william ,howell ,meade ,,mrs4 ,,william ,,howell ,,meade ,dining and ,party ,invitations ,the engraved card invitation for a luncheon is usually worded as follows3 ,mrs4 ,everetts ,s4 ,sinclair requests the pleasure of your company at ,luncheon on ,tuesday1 ,february nineteenth at one o'clock ,hotel ,willard ,the dinner invitation is identical1 except that for ,luncheon is substituted ,dinner1 and the hour is usually half after seven or eight o'clock4 ,to this1 or to any other dining invitation1 may be added in the lower left-hand corner the words ,please reply1 or1 ,the favor of a reply is requested4 ,the party invitation may take either of the two following forms3 ,mrs4 ,harold ,harmon ,williams requests the pleasure of your company at a dancing party to be given at the ,glendale ,country ,club ,wednesday evening1 ,december the twenty-ninth from eight until eleven o'clock ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,samuel ,fairfield ,watson request the pleasure of company at ,the ,somerset ,club on the evening of ,friday the ninth of ,february from nine until one o'clock ,dancing and ,bridge #ie ,jackson ,boulevard ,the blank invitation is very convenient1 as it may be sent out at short notice1 and is definite and personal4 ,the following is a form which lends itself to any one of the usual kinds of home entertainment3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,st4 ,john ,ambrose ,lockwood request the pleasure of 4444444444444444444444444444444444444444 company at4444444444444444444444444444 on4444444444444444444444444444 at44444444444444444444444444444444 #ig ,washington ,avenue ,when1 on an engraved invitation of any sort1 be it wedding or dinner or any other1 a blank line or lines are left for the insertion of the name of the guest1 there is danger that1 unless this is done with great care and by an able penman1 the beauty of the invitation be ruined1 and therefore its cost thrown away4 ,for that reason a wholly engraved invitation is perhaps better1 unless the work of addressing them and inserting the name is to be done by a professional penman4 ,of course1 when this is done and well done1 there is a personal touch1 a suggestion of individual welcome1 which can be gained in no other way1 and which the wholly engraved invitation lacks4 ,when an entertainment is given by a family at some place other than their home1 the invitations have the name of the place and the street address put in at the usual place on the invitation1 and then in the lower right-hand corner the words ,please reply1 with the home address4 ,a bachelor or widower uses his name alone at the top of the invitation4 ,he will1 of course1 provide a chaperon1 who in many respects takes the place of a hostess and so acts1 but her name does not appear upon his invitation1 unless she be his sister or near relative4 ,the invitation then becomes a joint one1 after the usual form4 ,a widower with daughters may send out invitations headed in either of the following forms3 ,mr4 ,john ,marquand ,miss ,marquand ,miss ,estelle ,marquand or ,mr4 ,john ,marquand ,the ,misses ,marquand ,for a dinner followed by a dance there are two invitations1 the one a dinner invitation at an early hour for the favored few1 the other a dancing party invitation at a later hour4 ,clubs have blanks which may be filled in by their members when they wish to entertain4 ,these are issued in the club name1 and are like any other private invitation1 except that at the bottom and to the left ,compliments of is engraved1 and the name of the member who is special host is written in4 ,invitations containing the words ,bal ,poudre signify that the entertainment is a masquerade or fancy dress party1 and the guests are expected to come in fancy costume with powdered hair4 ,the word ball is used of an elaborate formal dance1 usually a public one given by some club or for charity1 and rarely of a private dance4 ,in spite of the predominance of the engraved invitation for the most formal affairs1 still small dinners1 and even receptions and dancing parties1 are sometimes announced by the handwritten invitations4 ,the form should be the same as the engraved one1 although to very intimate friends it should be changed to a friendly note4 ,acceptances are in the form of the invitation4 ,if that is an informal note1 the acceptance or regret is sent in the same style4 ,if the invitation is formal1 the reply also should be written in the third person and be about as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,allston ,b4 ,sinclair accept with pleasure the kind invitation of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,arthur ,emanuel ,farrington for dinner on ,thursday1 the ninth of ,december at half after eight o'clock ,the reply to an invitation should be sent to the person or persons who issued it1 never to any other member of the family1 although such a one may be better known4 ,to write the word ,regrets on one's visiting card and send it in declination of any invitation is bad form1 even if the invitation come in similar shape4 ,one should always write a note of regret4 ,bachelors and widowers1 who entertain at their apartments or studio or club1 and army and navy officers never use the words ,at ,home1 but always request the pleasure 7or honour7 of your presence4 ,if one is entertaining a guest and an invitation is received1 one may with propriety ask the hostess for an invitation for one's guest1 if the form of entertainment is so general as to make this right and reasonable2 otherwise one must decline the invitation4 ,it would not be right to ask for another dinner invitation1 or one to a select group of people1 where the guest would be an intruder4 ,it is preferable and a much later form to use the words ,please reply1 or ,an early reply is requested1 rather than the abbreviation ,r4 s4 v4 p4 for ,rpondez1 s'il vous plat1 meaning ,reply1 if you please4 ,if a son should return from college or other absence1 and the parents wish to entertain for him1 their invitations would have at the bottom the word ,for followed by his name4 ,in sending out invitations1 one should be sent to the father and mother jointly1 one to each son separately1 and one to the daughters jointly1 the latter being addressed ,the ,misses ,estabrook4 ,invitations should be sent to people in mourning1 although they are not expected to accept4 ,they should not be slighted or forgotten during such a period4 ,wedding ,invitations and ,announcements ,the following are the usual forms of wording for the wedding invitation3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,reinhard ,ernst ,ormond request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ,eida to ,dr4 ,otto ,bertelli on ,wednesday1 the first of ,april nineteen hundred and thirteen at twelve o'clock ,church of the ,messiah ,st4 ,louis1 ,missouri ,mr4 ,arnold ,hamilton ,forsyth requests the pleasure of your company at the marriage reception of his daughter ,margaret and ,mr4 ,walter ,mallory on the evening of ,wednesday1 the twenty-ninth of ,june one thousand nine hundred and twelve from eight until ten o'clock #ag ,elm ,hill ,avenue ,philadelphia1 ,pennsylvania ,r4 s4 v4 p4 ,dr4 and ,mrs4 ,maurice ,howe ,cavanaugh request the honour of presence at the marriage of their daughter ,rebecca ,falmouth to ,mr4 ,charles ,hunnewell ,clark on ,monday1 the ninth of ,july at eight o'clock ,church of the ,redeemer ,washington ,the usual form of marriage announcement is as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,william ,t4 ,kimball announce the marriage of their daughter ,dorothy ,lucinda to ,mr4 ,le,roy ,l4 ,hallock on ,wednesday1 the first day of ,december one thousand nine hundred and twelve ,chicago1 ,illinois ,mr4 ,arthur ,edmand ,sawyer and ,miss ,emma ,pauline ,farrington announce their marriage on ,sunday the sixteenth of ,july one thousand nine hundred and ten at ,boston1 ,massachusetts ,the ,at ,home card of the bridal couple1 which goes with a wedding invitation1 does not have the name of the couple upon it1 but reads simply ,at ,home after the first of ,november #abai ,pennsylvania ,avenue ,washington ,when an ,at ,home card is included in a wedding announcement1 however1 the name of the couple appears upon it1 as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,albion ,frederick ,marston ,will be at home #gfc ,chapel ,avenue after the first of ,august ,toronto ,for the card of invitation to the wedding reception the wording is as follows3 ,reception immediately after the ceremony ,eight ,salem ,street or ,reception immediately after the ceremony in the church parlors ,in the case of a church wedding1 it is always well to enclose with the invitation a small card reading3 ,please present this card at the church on ,august the third4 ,in case the wedding takes place in the country and invitations are sent to many friends in the city1 a card giving directions as to what train to take1 and where1 which is to be presented to the conductor instead of a ticket1 and which entitles the possessor to special accommodations1 is enclosed with the invitation4 ,wedding invitations1 or announcements1 and their accompanying cards1 are enclosed in two envelopes1 one within the other1 of the same stock as the billets4 ,upon the outer is written the name of the person and his street address2 upon the inner only the name of the one for whom it is intended4 ,wedding invitations should be addressed to ,mrs4 ,chandler ,jones1 on the outside envelope4 ,within this is a second envelope addressed to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,chandler ,jones4 ,the older custom is to address the outside envelope to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,chandler ,jones1 as well as the inside4 ,the lady of the house is now1 however1 beginning to be looked upon as head of its social affairs1 as her husband is of its business affairs1 and hence the style of addressing invitations to her4 ,the words ,and ,family are no longer used after the parents' names1 but separate invitations are sent to the members4 ,it is quite the courteous thing to include among the people invited to a wedding1 especially if it is to be in a church1 the special business friends and associates of the bridegroom-elect1 his father1 and the bride's father4 ,in case the invitations are for the ceremony only at a church wedding1 the address of the bride's parents should be embossed upon the outside envelope4 ,acquaintances purely professional do not receive cards to a wedding4 ,one's physician1 however1 if his family is prominent socially1 may be included among the guests4 ,announcement cards should be quite ready to post immediately after the ceremony4 ,they should be sent to all the circle of friends and acquaintances of both the bride's and the bridegroom's families1 save to those who have been invited to the marriage or the wedding reception4 ,the announcement of an ,at ,home or reception should always be made on a separate card1--not on a corner of the wedding invitation or announcement4 ,an immediate reply is necessary when one is invited to a home wedding4 ,if the wedding is a church wedding1 and there is no reception following it1 one makes no reply if one intends to be present1 but sends one's card upon the date set1 if one cannot attend4 ,various ,announcement ,cards ,in case of the postponement of a wedding or a dinner or reception because of some grave accident or illness1 the cancellation of the invitations1 or the announcement of the postponement1 should be engraved and sent out at the earliest possible date4 ,for a wedding it may read somewhat as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,maynard ,s4 ,taylor regret to announce that on account of serious illness in the family the marriage of their daughter ,emmeline and ,mr4 ,fosdick ,arlington will be indefinitely postponed ,a family which has passed through a period of calamity and bereavement may wish to make some acknowledgment of the attentions of friends1 and may do so in some such form as follows3 ,the brothers and sisters of ,dr4 ,ralph ,j4 ,harkins gratefully acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy ,the special ,at ,home card which is used for a reception in honor of a friend or guest may contain the name of the friend either on the first or the last line of the invitation1 with the words ,to meet before it2 as3 ,mrs4 ,ernest ,l4 ,lafricain ,at ,home ,thursday1 ,december twenty-third from four to six #bge ,grand ,pr ,avenue1 ,montreal ,to meet ,mrs4 ,jackson ,seymour ,montgomery ,for a general reception the following form is good3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,henry ,illington ,bray ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,harold ,bray request the honor of your presence on ,new ,year's ,day from four until half after seven o'clock #agd ,albemarle ,street ,winnipeg ,the private engraved card for ,christmas and ,new ,year greetings1 which may be sent to one's entire list of friends1 is much in favor4 ,great distinction and individuality of design and selection of sentiment may be obtained by this means4 ,the following is an appropriate form3 ,the glory breaks ,and ,christmas comes once more ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,nathaniel ,clarke ,sutherland cordially greet with every good wish of the ,season ,,chapter ,,vii ,,behavior ,,in ,,public ,,the test of the depth of one's courtesy is found in one's attitude to strangers and the public at large4 ,if one observes toward them the little courtesies1 then one may be safely trusted to keep to the highest ideal of social intercourse in times of emergency and rigid testing4 ,always in a public place the real gentleman and lady will be unobtrusive1 speaking quietly1 and showing in their manner that they each believe himself and herself but a single unit in the world of humanity1 and therefore not entitled to monopolize attention4 ,they will go about their business with none of that idle curiosity which forms the street crowd4 ,in places of public amusement1 they will show true courtesy by not coming in late1--that is1 by being on time or missing the performance4 ,they will not rustle their programs needlessly4 ,they will so dispose of their coats and wraps that others will not be inconvenienced by them1 even if it takes them an extra ten minutes at the close of the evening to obtain them from the cloak room4 ,they will not talk or whisper to each other during speaking or singing on the stage1 or at any time when so doing will make it difficult for others to hear what is going on4 ,they will applaud temperately1 and with only that degree of fervor which is for the best interests of the audience and the actors as a whole4 ,that is1 at a concert they will not so applaud one artist as to break up the program4 ,at formal business meetings they will take pains to conform to ,parliamentary usage1 which is really only the etiquette of debate1 and will not insist upon rights which have been ruled out1 or in word or manner express a disorderly spirit4 ,the greatest good of the largest number will be the rule of their deportment in public4 ,at a social occasion of any sort1 every one present is under obligation to do what he can to add to the general pleasure4 ,if he cannot or will not1 he should remain away4 ,if he is asked to play a musical instrument or sing1 he should do so without urging1 for his talents1 except in very special cases wherein he would not be asked1 are or should be at the disposal of the company1 or at the request of his hostess4 ,any voluntary or requested performance of this sort may be as brief as he pleases1 and should be brief1 unless his talent is so great that there can be no possible doubt of its acceptability1 and he is in a generous mood1--a combination of circumstances rare in any but the most talented circles4 ,if you turn the pages of music for a musician1 do so in a quiet and self-forgetful manner4 ,interest in you is quite subordinate to interest in the performer4 ,do not by extravagant applause encourage parlor recitations1 for mediocre talent is always profuse4 ,it is a mark of good breeding to control or at least conceal one's moods1 so that in company one always appears to be content1 if not happy4 ,it adds much to the happiness of others to give this impression1 and is therefore generous as well as wise4 ,it is always rude to interrupt with conversation1 or yawning1 or any motion1 a musical performance1 or any entertainment whether public or private1 in which those about one are interested4 ,one should retire if he cannot refrain4 ,behavior in church may be taught in one great principle1 providing that principle is fundamental enough4 ,the sense of reverence for the things of the spiritual life may be felt1 if not comprehended1 by even the child4 ,no amount of ,don't's1 if the spirit of worship be not instilled1 will avail to make the child of any age an attentive and reverent worshiper or even attendant at church4 ,the sense of worship will forbid whispering and chatting with friends1 the noisy turning of the leaves of hymn-book or ,bible1 or an indifferent or scornful attitude when any are in prayer4 ,another sign of the same reverence is the careful observance of punctuality at the service4 ,a church service is1 by its very nature1 a more intimate and important service to the attendant than any other4 ,therefore1 to come in late1 thus distracting the attention of those who have gone to church for meditation or worship1 is a far more flagrant offense against the rights of others1 than is the disturbing of their pleasure at a theatre or a concert by a tardy entrance4 ,the habit of a vacant or absent mind in company is a grave fault1 and works greatly to the detriment of one's reputation for intelligence1 in spite of all else that one may do to establish it4 ,straightforward attentiveness is the attitude of most profit and enjoyment in society4 ,one learns then what other people are thinking about1 and becomes more and more active mentally4 ,such an attitude establishes the confidence of others in one's sincerity and intelligence4 ,inquisitiveness is fatal to real charm4 ,no one cares to talk twice with a person who1 no matter what his wit or ability to entertain1 has betrayed one into divulging facts or making remarks which he regrets4 ,upon the street a gentleman always takes the outside of the walk1 when with a lady1 the custom having come down from the days when dangers beset the path1 and the man had to be at the point of vantage for the protection of the woman4 ,when a married woman and an unmarried girl are walking together1 the married woman takes the outside of the walk4 ,in passing single file other people or some obstacle1 the gentleman always steps back and allows the lady to precede him4 ,if1 however1 the way is crowded or there is necessity that she should be protected1 he goes first4 ,in entering a hotel dining-room the lady always goes first4 ,a lady never takes a gentleman's arm unless she is blind1 infirm1 or crippled1 or in a turbulent crowd4 ,the considerate person will not enter even a public hotel late at night1 much less a home1 his own or any other1 in a noisy1 careless fashion4 ,those who are asleep deserve as great consideration as if they were awake1 and more also4 ,the modern courtesy of letting each one pay for himself in a car1 a train1 a restaurant1 or a theatre1 is a much more rational one than the older form of permitting one to act as host1 as if he were in his own house4 ,a gentleman might offer to pay for others1 if he wished to1 but he should not insist upon paying2 nor should any one carelessly or designedly permit his expenses to be paid by another1 unless he himself expects to offer equal hospitality at another time4 ,in entering a carriage or automobile1 one should step promptly1 without either loitering or haste4 ,if one is to sit facing the horses or the front of the automobile1 and there is but one step to take1 one puts the left foot on it4 ,if there are two steps1 the right foot should take the first1 the left the second4 ,if one is to face in the opposite direction from what the vehicle is going1 one should use the right foot first in case of the one step1 and the left foot first in case of the two4 ,when two ladies who are guest and hostess are driving together1 the guest should enter first1 taking the farther seat1 facing the front of the carriage1 so that it will not be necessary for her hostess to pass her4 ,when a mother and daughter enter a carriage1 the mother precedes1 and the daughter sits by her side if no other lady is present4 ,in case of two daughters1 the elder sits by the side of the mother1 and the younger sits opposite4 ,the fashionable hours for driving are from two-thirty to five in the winter1 and from three to six-thirty in the summer4 ,young women never ride horseback in cities or in public parks without an escort4 ,in the country the rule is not so rigidly enforced4 ,in case a groom is the escort1 he rides slightly behind1 keeping watch that he may be of service4 ,a riding-habit should be absolutely neat1 simple1 and inconspicuous4 ,the hat should be plain1 the hair compactly done1 and the whole effect of the costume trim serviceableness and grace1 rather than prettiness4 ,in mounting a horse a woman gathers up her habit in her left hand1 and stands close to the horse with her right hand on the pommel of the saddle4 ,the man who assists her stoops and places his right hand with the palm up at a convenient distance from the ground4 ,the lady then puts her left foot into his hand1 and springs up into the saddle with his assistance4 ,it is necessary1 first1 to have a firm seat2 secondly1 a skillful hand on the rein4 ,one should sit in the middle of the saddle1 in an easy1 natural position1 with the body not stiff but supple and responsive to the motion of the horse4 ,the elbows should be well in to the side1 in a line with the shoulders1 and the hands should be relaxed and yet responsive to the slightest pull of the rein4 ,it is no longer considered wise and necessary for a woman to use a side saddle4 ,in the freedom of a graceful divided skirt1 she strides the saddle as do the men1 and therefore has an equal chance with them to ride gracefully and safely1--a privilege which fashion long denied4 ,to keep to the right always is the only safe rule in the ,united ,states4 ,in ,england and ,canada the rule of keeping to the left is observed with the same rigidity4 ,in business life it is not good form to dine with your employer4 ,this does not include a ban upon those business dinners1 where there is a group of people1 the majority of them men1 with one or two unmarried business women of equal or superior business standing1 who meet over the dinner table to talk of business problems4 ,that occasion has its own etiquette1 and one which the business man or woman readily fashions for himself or herself1 and which follows the rules of business expediency rather than social life4 ,it is not necessary to recognize in society a strictly business acquaintance unless you wish to do so4 ,neatness demands that the traveler always carry his own toilet articles1 and not depend upon the public supplies1 which are1 however1 supposedly safe and sanitary for use in emergencies4 ,the dress for traveling should be plain and simple1 suited to the need rather than elaborate4 ,the effect of crumpled finery is so very unpleasant that no person of taste will make a display of it in a public conveyance4 ,if you wish to leave your seat in a train1 a coat or bag placed upon it is sufficient to reserve it for you4 ,the removal of a coat or bag so placed is a very great rudeness4 ,a gentleman will give up his seat to two ladies1 or to a gentleman and lady traveling together1 as he can be more readily accommodated in the single seats than can they4 ,it is courteous for a gentleman who has a vacant place in the seat with him to offer it to a lady who is standing1 and so prevent her from feeling that she is intruding in taking it1 if there are no other seats vacant4 ,when a man opens a door for a woman who is a stranger1 or offers her any other civility1 or begs pardon for some blunder1 he takes off his hat to her4 ,while traveling alone1 it is not necessary or wise to be resentful of polite remarks or attentions4 ,they should be met with equal politeness4 ,quiet dignity and tact will terminate without offense any conversation which has grown too familiar or tedious4 ,the comfort of all in the car1 not of one individual1 should be consulted in the opening of windows and doors1 and the consent of those sitting near should be gained4 ,it is a grave breach of good manners to monopolize a dressing-room for quite a period of time4 ,one should be as expeditious as possible1 and should not seriously inconvenience others1 even if he deprives himself of some of the comfort he desires4 ,it is not well to travel unless you can afford it4 ,if you can and do travel1 deal courteously and generously with those who serve you4 ,ask questions only of officials of the road or the ship1 or of policemen in the street4 ,the exchange of visiting cards with strangers1 unless under unusual circumstances1 is unwise and bad form4 ,ordinarily a lady pays her fare herself1 unless she is under escort of a relative or intimate friend to whom she gives the right to pay for her4 ,when she enters a car alone and there meets an acquaintance1 she always pays her own fare1 unless the acquaintance may be an old and intimate friend4 ,when a lady is taking a long trip under escort of some gentleman friend1 it is proper for her to reimburse him for his expenditures in her behalf4 ,she should hand him her purse with which to purchase her ticket4 ,the munching of nuts1 fruit1 or candy in a crowded public conveyance is a serious offense against those about you4 ,a neat lunch1 quietly eaten at an appropriate hour1 is not offensive and is quite permissible4 ,but one should not impose even the odor of food upon people who are forced to be near1 and who may find it extremely disagreeable4 ,the recent passage and enforcement of laws regarding expectoration in public places is a great step in advance1 and must be rigidly maintained for the sake of the public health4 ,the chewing of gum1 while no menace to society1 is as unesthetic and disgusting as expectoration1 and should fall under as righteous if not as severe a ban4 ,in a car or train do not fan yourself so vigorously that the person in front of you feels the air current upon the back of his neck4 ,a book or newspaper should not be placed so that it rubs constantly against the hat of the person in the seat in front4 ,pushing1 shoving1 and all like methods of getting people to move out of your way1 or of getting ahead of others1 are marks of great rudeness1 and have a tendency to retard rather than aid one's progress through a crowd or into a car4 ,the quiet1 good-natured crowd disperses most rapidly4 ,at the ferry and all prepayment places1 have the right change in hand1 so that you do not keep back those who are in a rush to catch a boat or a car1 by fumbling for your money or making the receiver make change4 ,do not carry an umbrella carelessly4 ,you are as culpable if you injure another as another would be if he injured you4 ,to converse in loud tones or talk of personal matters anywhere in public shows great lack of fine feeling and good breeding4 ,never show hostility1 nor permit people to quarrel with you4 ,the irritability which crowded conditions aggravate makes it necessary to adhere1 from principle1 to the rule of strict good-will toward all4 ,if you are escorting a woman1 do not permit her to suffer any discomfort2 but if1 by chance1 she does1 do not pick a quarrel with the person who caused it4 ,firmly but quietly afford her protection1 but do not demand satisfaction for discomforts or insults for which there is no satisfaction and whose discussion only increases the offense4 ,a lady need feel no embarrassment if she is obliged to spend a few days in a hotel alone4 ,upon entering she would go to the desk and make arrangements for a room4 ,when the choice is made she surrenders her hand bag to the bell-boy1 who conducts her to her room4 ,she should1 for her own convenience and protection1 deposit valuables or large sums of money with the hotel proprietor in the office safe4 ,then the responsibility becomes his1 but he does not assume it if they are left in the room4 ,upon leaving her room1 she should lock her trunks and door1 and leave the key with the clerk at the desk4 ,a lady's deportment in a hotel is that of quiet reserve1 but not of haughty distance4 ,she should dress simply and plainly1 so as not to attract attention1 as she is in a public place4 ,the only time when elegant dress is permissible at a hotel is when one is with an escort1 or is one of a group of people so dressed in order to attend some function4 ,a lady will not stand or linger in the halls of a hotel1 will not loiter about the hotel office1 or walk out alone upon the piazza or any conspicuous place1 or stand at the windows of the parlor4 ,she will remember that she is in a public place1 where she may encounter all classes of people1 so she will not permit herself any of the liberties of a home4 ,she will not go through the halls humming or singing1 or take a book or newspaper from the public parlor and carry it off to her room1 even if she does shortly return it4 ,she will not1 even in her own room1 make such noise as will attract attention or disturb other guests4 ,she will not call a cab herself1 but will summon a bell-boy and have him attend to it4 ,after her baggage is packed she will let the servants attend to it1 even to the handing her of her umbrella and hand bag after she is in the carriage4 ,she will never take the liberty of chiding a servant1 but will make a necessary complaint to the clerk at the desk4 ,to open a window in the parlor of a hotel1 when others are by and may be discomforted1 is a breach of politeness4 ,also it is not right that even an accomplished musician or singer should use the piano of the hotel parlor1 if others are in the room1 unless he has received a unanimous invitation to do so4 ,one may greet fellow guests in the parlor or the dining-room without being thought forward or intrusive1 and also may respond to such greetings without compromise1 as such acquaintance does not imply or demand recognition elsewhere4 ,a lady1 when alone at a hotel dining table1 will decide quickly what dishes she wishes1 and order them distinctly but quietly4 ,she will wait patiently to be served1 without any display of embarrassment4 ,it is allowable to read a newspaper while waiting for breakfast1 but not good taste to bring books to the table at any time4 ,if she desires a dish which she sees1 but the name of which she does not know1 she will not point to it1 but will indicate it to the waiter by her glance and her description4 ,if she has friends or makes table acquaintances1 she will talk with them in a low tone4 ,she will never talk with some one at another table1 nor laugh loudly4 ,if any civility1 such as the passing of food1 is offered her by either a lady or a gentleman1 she will express her thanks1 but will not start a conversation4 ,the usual good manners of cultivated people1 emphasized by the additional restraint which the presence of the public imposes1 is a safe standard of etiquette in a hotel4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,being ,a ,,guest ,,just as the host and hostess1 in sending out an invitation1 obligate themselves to make everything as enjoyable as possible for their guest1 so a guest1 in accepting1 obligates himself or herself to meet the efforts of the host and hostess at least halfway4 ,success in the art of being a guest depends more upon the spirit in which one accepts of entertainment than upon the entertainment offered4 ,a formal dinner is one of the most solemn obligations of society4 ,after having once accepted the invitation1 only death or mortal illness is an excuse for not attending4 ,one may attend a formal reception and not expend more than twenty minutes of time1 if one wishes to be very prompt4 ,the round of social duty there is brief4 ,a lady removes her wrap1 but not her hat or gloves1 in the dressing-room1 and thence goes directly to the drawing-room4 ,the guest here greets the host and hostess1 briefly if the reception is large and the flow of incoming guests constant1 then passes to the room where the refreshments are served4 ,after partaking of these1 the guest may leave without bidding adieu to the hostess1 unless the reception is small and she is free to speak a second time with her guests4 ,if one is present at an afternoon tea or reception1 it is not always necessary to call afterwards2 yet1 many hostesses expect such a call if the affair has been formal4 ,one should certainly call after a tea given to introduce a dbutante1 or a wedding reception1 or one given in honor of some special person or event4 ,if a guest is not pleased with the food provided at a luncheon or dinner1 or for any special reason cannot eat of any one dish1 he should try and satisfy himself with something else1 and make no comment upon it1 doing his utmost to prevent his hostess from thinking that she has not well provided for him4 ,at a dancing party a young man should assist his hostess in seeing that all the young ladies have an equal chance to dance1 and that none are obliged to sit out dances because of a dearth of partners4 ,his obligation to his hostess and to society should be thus honored1 as it is not1 of course1 a private affair for his own amusement1 and as upon him1 more than upon the young women1 depends its success4 ,it is necessary that introductions be freely made at a dancing party1 in order that all may enjoy the evening1 and every one should try to make all his friends acquainted with each other4 ,a young woman remains seated by the side of her chaperon until asked to dance4 ,after a dance her partner returns with her to the chaperon4 ,if the son of the hostess requests a dance of a young woman1 she should give it unless her program is quite full4 ,if for any reason she refuses a dance to one man1 she should not give it to another1 but should sit it out4 ,a woman1 having once promised a dance1 should fulfill her promise unless too ill to do so1 in which case she will dance no more during the evening4 ,the young man who is thus refused is free1 having returned with her to her chaperon1 to seek another partner4 ,unless a young couple are engaged to each other1 they should not dance together so often as to be conspicuous4 ,nor may they disappear into secluded corners and sit out dances4 ,it is poor taste and very questionable etiquette1 even if engaged4 ,when asked to dance1 a woman hands the man her program1 saying1 ,i am not engaged for that dance1 and will be pleased to give it to you4 ,after the dance the man may thank the woman for it1 and she may make some remark to express her pleasure in it4 ,if a man is delayed in claiming a woman for the promised dance1 he should make profuse apologies4 ,a man dances first with the woman he escorts1 or with the daughters of the hostess1 or her guests in the house4 ,afterward he may choose for himself1 always remembering that he should assist his hostess in giving a good time to all4 ,a woman always makes the first move toward going home at every social gathering4 ,at a dance it is not necessary to say good-night to the hostess unless there is a good opportunity4 ,if a man is suddenly called away1 he should try to find partners for the ladies with whom he engaged dances1 and should explain his leaving to them4 ,it is not obligatory1 but simply a pleasant custom1 for a man to send flowers to the young woman whom he is going to escort to a dancing party4 ,when she is his fiance1 it is especially appropriate and appreciated4 ,when one is on a visit1 or at a house or weekend party1 one has to follow the style of dress of the people whom one is visiting1 so no hard and fast rules can be laid down4 ,one should have suitable garments for each of the forms of recreation which one is to enjoy1 and should follow quite closely the requirements of the hour4 ,when traveling1 small1 plain hats and tidily draped veils are necessary4 ,for mountain visits1 thicker clothing and heavier wraps will be in demand1 than are used in the city4 ,when it is the custom to dress for dinner1 one should always adhere to it1 and so plan one's hours that nothing interferes with so doing and being prompt as well4 ,a guest should not claim the entire time of her hostess4 ,the hours between breakfast and lunch belong to the hostess for the doing of her household and family duties1 and the guest should entertain herself during them4 ,no guest should ever accept an invitation to an entertainment1 a drive1 or any other amusement without first consulting with her hostess4 ,if1 having friends in the same city or town1 she has invitations from them for special occasions1 she should inform her hostess of them promptly1 that two plans may not be made for the same date4 ,unless a guest is ill or very old and feeble1 she never suggests retiring4 ,that is the duty of the hostess4 ,a guest should take pains to arrive when expected4 ,if she has promised a visit1 she should keep her promise1 unless matters of serious illness or grave moment forbid it1 in which case a prompt and explanatory apology is imperative4 ,the guest should decide with her hostess1 early in her stay1 upon the date of her departure1 if that has not been already settled in the form of the invitation1 and should then abide rigidly by it1 allowing nothing but the most earnest importunity on the part of her hostess personally1 and for clearly shown and newly arising reasons1 to detain her longer4 ,the guest should be pleased and well entertained with everything that is done for her amusement1 or should appear to be so4 ,if she cannot give herself up to the enjoyment of the sort of entertainment which her host and hostess provide1 she should not accept the invitation to visit them4 ,the guest should be punctual at meals and conform in every particular to the ways of the household4 ,she should not arrive in the living-room or drawing-room at hours when there will be none to entertain her1 and when it would embarrass her hostess to know that she was unattended4 ,to sit up after the family has gone to bed1 to lie in bed after the entire family have risen1 to be late at meals1 to be writing an important letter or doing some mending when the carriage is at the door for a drive1 or wish to go to drive when the carriage has been dismissed1 to be too tired to attend the dinner or reception given in one's honor1 to fail to keep appointments for the stroll or some sport because one wants to do something else1--these things show a total lack of consideration on the part of the guest1 and make it impossible to enjoy her stay or wish for her return4 ,at times which seem appropriate it is well to retire to one's room and leave the family by themselves4 ,it is not necessary for the family life and comfort to be sacrificed constantly to the guest4 ,hospitality would be more generously shown if it did not make so many unnecessary demands upon the time and comfort of the members of the family4 ,the guest should never take sides in any family discussion1 and if anything unpleasant occurs1 she should ignore it entirely1 and not seem to know anything about it or take any interest in it4 ,it is an unpardonable breach of loyalty to one's hosts to retail any information one may have acquired on a visit1 or discuss their characteristics and management with any one4 ,a guest need not attend religious services1 or be present at the calls of commonplace people1 or enter into local philanthropies1 unless he wishes to do so4 ,true hospitality relieves him from all sense of obligation in these matters4 ,if1 however1 carriages are provided so that guests may attend church1 or guests are told of the hour for family worship and are invited to be present1 it is more courteous to attend4 ,guests at country houses should be willing to take hold and help in any emergency1 such as the absence or sickness of the servants1 and should be willing to join heartily in the country frolics where work is usually to be shared by all4 ,in the country people visit in large parties1 so when one is invited to go on an excursion or with a crowd to visit some neighbor1 one should not hesitate for fear of being one too many4 ,one should follow the wish of the host or hostess in regard to giving the servants some gratuity for service rendered1 if that wish is known2 otherwise1 unless there is an accepted rule to the contrary1 it is well to give1 when leaving1 a small gift of money to such of the servants as have been especially helpful4 ,one should always treat servants with consideration and kindness1 if not with generosity4 ,it is better to be less lavish with money and more painstaking in remembering personally the people who have served you1 renewing acquaintance with them if opportunity offers1 treating them in a human way1 and not with the indifference with which you would treat a mechanism4 ,if a gift is given1 it should be done unostentatiously4 ,the tactful1 quiet way of doing it1 free from patronage1 and showing only good-will and gratitude for service rendered1 is the only polite way4 ,money never compensates for haughtiness and brusqueness1 and the gentleman or lady in spirit will not be unmindful of the feelings of even an incompetent servant4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,the ,,duties ,,of ,,host ,,and ,,hostess ,,hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature1 and its obligations have a most refining influence4 ,the generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends1 with no thought but to give happiness4 ,the pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one which admits of great enjoyment4 ,the man of the house tries to be at home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner4 ,the young people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion4 ,the friends1 who are out calling or on their way home1 drop in for a pleasant chat2 and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of friends1 and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need of cheer1 who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of welcome4 ,the custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and hospitable one4 ,if one has such an ,at ,home day1 it is more polite for friends to call on that day than on any other4 ,if a lady has1 however1 sent out cards announcing that she is ,at ,home on ,wednesdays in ,january and ,february1 one should not call on those days unless one has received the card having the special invitation4 ,some receive once a month during the season4 ,they have the day engraved on their card1 as ,the first ,friday until ,lent1 or ,the second ,wednesday until ,april4 ,the custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month avoids a crush on any one day1 and enables a hostess to receive informally without giving up a great part of her time4 ,the informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any formal entertainment1 however splendid4 ,the hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and overattending to her guests4 ,when a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest1 she should inform them of the intended visit beforehand1 and so enable them to make an engagement to meet her1 or plan entertainment for her4 ,invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be1 and should be1 sent out in advance of her coming1 if her stay is to be short1 and if the dates of her stay are definitely known4 ,at a reception for the introduction of a friend1 the hostess and the guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and receive4 ,if the reception is very large1 the butler announces the names of the guests as they enter4 ,the hostess gives her hand to the newcomer1 and presents her to the guest of honor4 ,after a few words of greeting1 the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments are served4 ,the refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches1 salads1 perhaps creamed oysters or chicken1 bouillon1 chocolate1 coffee1 or lemonade4 ,afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions4 ,the refreshments consist of tea1 with thin slices of bread and butter1 thin biscuits1 and cake4 ,at a dancing party the hostess receives1 together with her daughters and any guests whom she honors by asking4 ,the host may receive1 as well1 but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests1 looking out for the chaperons1 and seeing that the young people are supplied with partners for the dances4 ,at a dbutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door1 the daughter next her1 and the father beyond4 ,the mother greets each guest and then introduces the daughter4 ,at the supper or dinner her brother or father takes out the dbutante1 who sits at her father's left4 ,in case her brother takes her out1 her father takes out the oldest or most honored lady present4 ,the successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are introduced to each other1 if this is possible1 so that the best of cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling4 ,breakfasts and ,luncheons ,breakfasts may be homelike1 informal affairs1 or quite ceremonious4 ,the hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock1 usually twelve or twelve-thirty4 ,after one o'clock the affair becomes a luncheon4 ,men are invited to a breakfast1 but usually at a luncheon the guests are all women4 ,a real breakfast menu1 such as is often served on ,sunday mornings in the country1 consists of fruit1 cereal1 a chop1 or steak1 or fishballs1 with potatoes1 eggs in some form1 muffins or hot rolls1 and coffee1 waffles or hot cakes1 or1 in ,new ,england1 doughnuts4 ,the menu for luncheon consists usually of soup1 fruit1 lobster in cutlets or croquettes1 with mushrooms1 or omelet1 or fish2 broiled chicken1 or lamb chops1 with green peas and potatoes2 a salad1 crackers and cheese2 ice cream1 with coffee1 tea1 or chocolate4 ,at a breakfast or luncheon1 as at a dinner1 every effort should be made to be punctual4 ,the success of such an occasion may be ruined by a tardy guest4 ,at a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room1 retaining one's hat and gloves1 the latter being removed at table1 and resumed in the drawing-room after the meal1 unless cards are the form of entertainment4 ,as the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with them and introduces them to one another before going to the dining-room4 ,when no men are present the hostess leads the way to the dining-room1 and the guests find their places at the table by the name cards4 ,when men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows the custom at a formal dinner4 ,it is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at all social functions2 and1 indeed1 at no affair1 unless it be very late in the afternoon and very ceremonious1 is the daylight excluded and the candles and chandeliers lighted4 ,the ,formal ,dinner ,the most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests1 which is served in a simple and only semiformal way4 ,this enables a hostess to bring together only congenial people1 and the group is small enough for the talk to be largely general1 and thence especially valuable1 as each brings his wittiest stories1 his clearest thoughts1 and his best self to the appreciative and inspiring circle4 ,the formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock1 or half after1 or eight4 ,the elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours1 according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service4 ,there should be a waiter for every six people1 although at a small dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay4 ,the invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead4 ,no more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and speedily served4 ,twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to each cover4 ,children are never present at a ceremonious dinner4 ,in choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial1 with no glaring divergence of opinions1 which would by any means make any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general4 ,in seating the guests1 only congenial people should be placed side by side4 ,the intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the culinary harmony4 ,ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner1 and remove them only at table1 resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the drawing-room4 ,the dining-room must be quietly but well lighted4 ,there should be no glaring lights1 but a soft radiance which is so general as to make everything clear4 ,an electric light hanging eighteen inches above the table1 or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height1 either of them well shaded1 are satisfactory additions to the candlelight4 ,sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used4 ,candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is announced4 ,for a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are sufficient light4 ,relatives are not seated side by side1 as the effort is to have a general mingling of the company4 ,a clever hostess will see that her guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before they enter the dining-room4 ,the table may be round1 oval1 or rectangular1 but if too narrow it cannot be made to look well4 ,the tablecloth is always spread for a dinner4 ,a thick pad of felt or double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth4 ,the damask should be immaculate and of good quality4 ,the tablecloth should hang almost to the floor at the corners4 ,at each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written4 ,these place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center and are otherwise blank1 except for the name written on4 ,the place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the plates of the guests or on the napkins1 which are folded squarely1 and of sufficient size to be of real usefulness4 ,in setting the table1 the spoons for soup1 dessert1 and coffee are arranged at the top of the plate2 the knives and forks1 the latter of several sizes1 are placed on either hand1 in order of use1 and the small plate for bread1 olives1 etc41 is on the right4 ,in eating1 the oyster fork is the first used1 and then one takes the next in order4 ,should one be in doubt1 the rule is to glance at the hostess and adopt her method1 whatever that may be4 ,on elegant tables1 each cover1 or plate1 is accompanied by two large silver knives1 a small silver knife1 and fork for fish1 a small fork for oysters on the half-shell1 a large tablespoon for soup1 and three large forks4 ,the folded napkin is laid in the center1 with a piece of bread in it4 ,fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork4 ,a half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person1 unless at a country dinner1 where a full ladleful may be given without offense4 ,individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate1 and it is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a spoon4 ,the place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any course when it is desirable to have them4 ,plates must be warmed or chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served in them4 ,the indispensable courses of a dinner are soup1 fish1 roast1 salad1 and dessert4 ,in arranging her menu1 however1 each hostess will suit herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the amount and kind of food4 ,the formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style4 ,at the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners1 all the ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any of the men are served1 even if some distinguished guest is among the latter4 ,it is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to eat at a dinner1 but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat4 ,butter is not served at a formal dinner1 and bread is laid in the napkin beside the plate4 ,there should be no urging of guests to eat4 ,it is assumed that a guest is not afraid to eat as much as he wants4 ,when the fruit napkin is brought in1 the user takes it from the glass plate on which it is laid1 and either places it at his right hand1 or on his knees4 ,the doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use1 but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl4 ,after the dinner has been eaten1 and dessert is reached1 everything is cleared off but the tablecloth1 which is now never removed4 ,a dessert spoon is put before each guest1 and a gold or silver spoon1 a silver dessert spoon and fork1 and often a queer little combination of fork and spoon called an ice spoon4 ,for the after-dinner coffee a very small spoon is used4 ,coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table1 or later in the drawing-room4 ,cream is never served with a demi-tasse4 ,the napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal4 ,in case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of all immediately toward some interesting matter4 ,a mistake should be completely ignored by both hosts and guests4 ,whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy1 never decline it1 but accept it1 and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it4 ,you avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it1 and put your hostess at ease4 ,no personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned when one is a guest at dinner4 ,if one cannot accept of the fare offered1 one should have declined the invitation4 ,should a guest be late1 the hostess need not wait more than fifteen minutes for him1 after which time1 if he appear1 the host rises from the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance1 but the hostess does not leave her place4 ,if he does not come until after the second course1 he is served only as the others are served1 and no attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him4 ,when dinner is ready1 the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room door1 catches the eye of the hostess1 and announces quietly that dinner is served4 ,upon the signal1 the host gives his arm to the guest of honor1 and they lead the way1 the lady being seated at the right of her host4 ,after them come the other couples as the hostess has planned4 ,each man has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him1 in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to dinner1 and also in the corner ,r or ,l to indicate on which side of the table he and his lady are to sit4 ,after all the others have passed out1 the hostess brings up the rear with the gentleman guest of honor1 who will sit at her right4 ,evening dress should always be worn4 ,for a lady a gown with low neck and short sleeves or elbow sleeves2 for a gentleman1 a dress coat and its accompanying trousers1 vest1 and tie of regulation cut and color4 ,arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the guests to assemble in the drawing-room1 greet their host and each other1 and proceed together to the table4 ,when the meal is finished1 the hostess catches the eye of the guest at her husband's right1 smiles understandingly1 and they immediately rise1 and1 followed by the rest of the ladies1 leave the room1 the men standing meanwhile4 ,the men linger for a half-hour or so over their cigars and coffee1 or liqueurs1 before following the ladies into the drawing-room4 ,in the ,united ,states it is more usual for the men and women to leave the dining-room together1 and the hostess to serve the coffee in the drawing-room1 than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the table4 ,after a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has taken out to the table1 to one's host and hostess4 ,it is not good form to omit the latter1 for she should be assured that you at least have enjoyed the evening1 and that her effort at hospitality has been appreciated by you4 ,it is not necessary to take a formal leave of the other guests4 ,if you choose you may wish them a general good-night4 ,a ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit of toast4 ,then comes the fruit4 ,it may be melons1 peaches1 strawberries1 or grape fruit4 ,it must be in perfection1 and should be on ice up to the moment of serving1 and must tempt the eye as well as the palate4 ,next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell1 which should be served on crushed ice1 on oyster plates made with hollows for the shells1 and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose4 ,or they may be served more daintily without the ice1 immediately after they have been taken from the cooler1 and without delay4 ,then a clear soup4 ,it may be served from a silver tureen by the hostess1 or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter4 ,then fish4 ,this may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty mince and served in shells to the separate guests4 ,if served by the host1 potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it4 ,throughout the dinner olives1 salted almonds1 radishes1 and similar relishes may be passed4 ,these are the only articles of food on the table when the guests take their seats4 ,after the fish there can be an entre or two of some delicate dish1 but the roast properly comes next4 ,it may be turkey1 beef1 mutton1 or lamb4 ,the host may carve it if he pleases1 and the waiter receive portions from him and carry them to the guests4 ,in many houses the lady of the house is served first1 and next the guest of honor1 who is the lady at the right of the host4 ,with the roast some vegetables are served4 ,then comes a salad1 and with the salad cheese and crackers are served4 ,the dessert follows the salad1 and black coffee concludes the repast4 ,this last may be served at the dining table1 or later in the drawing-room by the hostess4 ,the dessert may consist of ices1 fruit1 pastry1 or confections4 ,frequently there is a final course after the sweets1 consisting of crackers and toasted cheese4 ,visits ,it is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit4 ,the complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of even pleasures to definite periods necessary4 ,this is as important as the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive and leave4 ,the ,english manner of entertaining is a very excellent one1 as it gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit to himself and also to his host4 ,the ,english host sets the time of arrival1 has his servant meet the guest at the station with conveyance1 has him met at the house door again by a servant1 and shown to his room1 where he is made at home by being offered some light refreshments4 ,he is told at what hour he will be received by his host and hostess in the drawing-room1 usually a short time before dinner4 ,then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till midday1 although she provides amusement for her guests1 which he is at liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses4 ,after the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon1 appearing only at dinner1 which is the formal meal of the day1 and at the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening4 ,the various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the place1 or the countryside1 or play their favorite games during the day2 but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to force it upon the guest4 ,we do not wish to see even our most honored guests or our dearest friends all of the time1 and this arrangement makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued4 ,before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is represented in the guest chamber4 ,this should be as dainty and comfortable as any chamber in the house1 and1 in addition to the usual furnishings1 should have other fittings intended to supply all the comforts of one's home4 ,a full line of towels1 toilet articles1 and even night robe1 bathrobe1 and slippers should be ready for the use of the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at the expected time4 ,if the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen1 blankets1 and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires1 the care of the finery1 its removal at night and folding up1 should not be left to the guest4 ,this should be attended to before bedtime by the maid1 and the bed turned down ready for occupancy4 ,there should1 of course1 be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe4 ,the guest1 especially if her visit be for a short time1 and she has not brought her workbox1 will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted out with needles1 thread1 thimble1 and scissors4 ,a desk fitted with stationery1 pens1 and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a guest chamber1 for1 no matter how brief the stay1 facilities for writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly4 ,the guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or amusement1 and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her room1 and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay4 ,it is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes1 or to arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences4 ,it is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring4 ,this should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests1 rather than according to one's personal wishes4 ,special ,duties of the ,country ,hostess ,the country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that of the city4 ,every one should1 at times1 return to the country1 for both physical and mental well-being4 ,so when he is there1 it is of great importance that he get country fare and country life1 rather than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the city4 ,the country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can depend upon her servants4 ,her relations with them should be such that there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country1 or for any other trivial reason promptly departing4 ,the country hostess will1 however1 fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise1 both on her own and her family's account1 as well as on that of her guests4 ,therefore1 housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much as possible1 and the most unexpected of emergencies should be anticipated and provided for1 as far as may be4 ,unless the country hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires1 she will never be safe in the sending out of invitations4 ,for the same reason1 other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness1 so that an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency4 ,the country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest attractions of her home4 ,so she should see to it that guests are left untrammeled1 to go and wander where they may wish2 and also that the guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even in the coldest of weather4 ,often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants4 ,the hostess should remember this1 and should provide that at all times the living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated4 ,the open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an isolated country house4 ,simple things need to be excellent4 ,the hostess should provide fresh fruit1 chickens1 eggs1 vegetables1 cream1 and milk1 the products of the country1 rather than the elaborate dishes of the city4 ,the hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it4 ,she should know the attractive walks and drives1 the places of real interest1 and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots1 and the points of vantage for especially fine views1 and to make others feel the charm of the country4 ,the hostess should furnish outdoor occupations1 should interest her guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands1 and in getting acquainted with the trees4 ,there should be some popular sports provided even in midwinter1 and all the necessities for the enjoyment of these should be furnished1 as well as a library1 games1 and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible days of storm which shall block all exit from the house4 ,the serving of meals out of doors1 if the season and weather permit1 is a distinctive feature of country hospitality1 and very enjoyable to city dwellers4 ,breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to serve on the lawn or piazza1 but more elaborate meals may be so served if there are servants and facilities enough4 ,simple meals out of doors are preferable to more elaborate meals within4 ,in order to do this enjoyably or successfully1 it is necessary to have the piazza or garden somewhat secluded4 ,a hedge1 in the absence of other protection from the curious1 easily makes this possible4 ,the informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest charm4 ,neighbors should be encouraged to drop in at any hour1 as the monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved4 ,the hostess who1 in order to meet an emergency1 is obliged to do much herself1 should either simplify her plans of entertainment1 so that she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her part as hostess by being with her guests1 or should call upon them to assist her1 and make it a companionable visit at any rate4 ,rural festivities are usually festivals of labor1 in which all join first in the work and later in the play4 ,one should endeavor to do one's part of the work cheerfully1 and in the spirit of good comradeship1 as well as share in the fun4 ,one of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the picnic4 ,this idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any surroundings4 ,it may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young people1 or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a hot day1 if the company be intellectual1 or various other forms4 ,public ,functions ,men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions1 such as club dinners or luncheons1 society receptions1 school or college graduations1 receptions given by the heads of business houses on anniversaries or at openings1 civil or state receptions1 charitable social affairs1 and the like4 ,as a rule1 the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary greatly from those of the more private affairs1 but usually greater formality is observed1 and there is less responsibility on the part of the public entertainers for the details of the service4 ,at a club reception and luncheon1 the president and chief officers of the club1 with the guests of the day1 stand in line and receive for a half-hour or more1 in the parlors of the club4 ,when all the guests1 or the most of them1 have assembled1 the procession to the dining-room is headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction1 who is seated at his right4 ,the other officers follow in order of rank1 with the other guests in order of distinction4 ,after dinner1 when the last course is completed and the dbris removed1 so that the tables present a neat appearance with their decorations intact1 the president rises and raps for order4 ,then1 after a few introductory remarks1 he begins the program of the day4 ,these programs vary greatly1 but usually include after-dinner speeches of the light and happy or only semiserious order1--unless the purpose for which all are gathered is of serious moment1--music both instrumental and vocal1 by excellent performers1 and the responses to the speeches1 either by the president or by others of the officers who may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks4 ,a spirit of good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering1 whatever the object of it4 ,when one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club1 or of a city1 or other body of people1 for the holding of a congress of any sort1 it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their stay4 ,such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing1 should be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the officers of the congress and club1 and with the city1 and every detail of provision for their comfort should be looked out for4 ,personal social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict with their real interest in coming1 or with the advantages they may have sought in the visit1 for carrying out their personal plans4 ,when one is a guest on such an occasion1 he should remember that while his entertainment may have been official1 his obligation for it is personal1 and that he should personally thank his hosts and1 in particular1 his special host and hostess1 as if he had been their only guest4 ,no matter how absorbing the business of the congress or conference1 no matter how strenuous his own official duties1 his obligation socially is imperative1 and must be met4 ,when one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college1 or of any small group of people who1 as a society1 are entertaining1 one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest4 ,this does not mean that one is responsible to every guest1 to see that he or she is well entertained1 but that1 aside from his personal responsibilities to his own guests1 he should be1 at all the public functions1 in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show even the slightest hospitality4 ,as for his own guests1 there are one or two points of special courtesy because of the nature of the entertainment4 ,if he is inviting young women1 or even only one1 to whom he intends to give his whole1 or a large part of his time1 he must also invite her mother or chaperon4 ,this rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate1 for the graduate of the men's college1 and for the man graduate of a co-educational university4 ,in addition to the usual provision for guests1 he must provide for their entertainment overnight or during their stay1 if they be from the distance4 ,he should1 in addition1 and early in their visit1 acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs4 ,these customs are distinctive with each college1 and their etiquette should be made clear to one who1 though unused to them1 is about to share them4 ,,chapter ,x ,,duties ,,of ,,the ,,chaperon ,,the need of the chaperon is recognized in communities where there are large populations1 and people are necessarily of many classes and unknown to one another4 ,for this reason the system of chaperonage of the small communities of rural ,america has not been as elaborate or as strictly adhered to as that of the cities4 ,the chaperon is the accepted guardian of very young girls1 taking oversight of them in their social life as soon as the governess gives up her charge4 ,the chaperon is only a poor substitute for the rightful care of a mother1 or takes the place of a mother when the latter cannot be present1 or performs in the person of one the duties of several mothers4 ,young girls should never go about the streets of a city or large town unaccompanied by an older person or a maid4 ,this rule is not so much for physical protection as for the example of teaching her that fine conduct and discretion which will forestall the possibility of unpleasant experiences4 ,when a group of young people go to some public place of amusement or instruction1 an older person should always accompany them4 ,such an attendant1 who should be one of the fathers or mothers of the young people1 if possible1 would be in so great sympathy with the spirit of the group that his presence would impose no restraint and spoil no fun1 yet it would be a curb on undue or undignified gaiety1 and a protection against criticism4 ,the day is not very far distant when it was expected that if a daughter entertained a young man in the drawing-room1 her father or mother would be present during the whole of the call4 ,for dbutante daughters the custom still holds good4 ,for a daughter who has been out in society for one or more seasons1 it seems somewhat rigorous and unnecessary1 as the presence of the father or mother for a part of the call serves all the purposes of cordiality1 and gives1 as well1 the young people a chance to talk without constraint of interests which seem perhaps foolish and trivial to any but young people4 ,the wise father and mother or chaperon know when to trust young people1 and when it is best to throw them quite upon their honor4 ,it is only by having responsibility for their actions thrust thus upon them1 that they ever attain to natural dignity and self-reliance4 ,it is sometimes permitted to a young woman to be escorted to a party or entertainment alone by a young man1 but only by one who is well-known to the family as quite to be trusted1 and only to such parties as are presided over by responsible patronesses4 ,this should be exceptional for any but the young woman who has been left without immediate family and who has been already in society more than one season4 ,the duenna who acts as her natural guardian and chaperon1 ordinarily accompanies her4 ,it may be objected that there are large numbers of young women who are of necessity unprotected by adequate chaperonage1--through loss of relatives1 financial limitations1 or the following of some business calling or profession1--and that they are not1 in general1 treated with less respect than the young woman carefully guarded in her home4 ,it yet remains true that the independent girl must needs provide for herself a chaperon upon certain occasions1 or lose that consideration which she would keep at all costs4 ,a strong character welcomes the aid of a careful observance of conventions4 ,even the spinster of recognized professional standing finds herself somewhat restricted in social pleasures4 ,she cannot go out socially with one man more than occasionally2 she has little pleasure in going unattended2 she can entertain but infrequently and in a small way1 if at all1 and never without an older married woman to assist her4 ,she may1 however1 have her regular afternoon or evening ,at ,home1 provided she has with her this friend2 and with that friend present1 she may entertain a gentleman caller until ten o'clock in the evening1 but she may not offer him cigarettes1 nor any beverage but tea1 coffee1 chocolate1 or lemonade4 ,in fashionable life in the cities1 the chaperon is an important and ever-present personage4 ,wherever the young dbutante goes in society1--to every place of amusement1 when walking or driving in the park1 when shopping or calling1--and during her calling hours at home1 the chaperon is her faithful and interested attendant4 ,the common usage of smaller towns1 seashore places1 and country villages differs in degree of attendance4 ,the only wise rule is to follow the custom of the place in which one may happen to be1 remembering always that the principle at the basis of the custom is wise and valuable1 and that there should be good and sufficient reason for failing to follow it in its entirety4 ,it is1 however1 not the letter of the law but the spirit of it which saves4 ,experience shows that not always the completely chaperoned girl is safe and the quite-free girl in real danger4 ,everything depends upon the girl1 and the spirit of the chaperonage she receives4 ,the relations with one's chaperon should be the most intimate and reliable and trustworthy of one's whole life2 or they may be a mere farce and evasion4 ,as a rule1 however1 too strict observance of the dictates of society in this connection is better than too lax4 ,the careless way in which many parents allow their sons and daughters to go off with a group of boys and girls of their own age1 unattended by any adult1 is to be deplored4 ,among the parents of several young people there certainly is some parent1 who cares enough about his children and their associates to become a chum1 and be at once a magnet to draw them to more mature and valuable ways of thinking1 and a safeguard against that group folly towards which the irresponsibility of youth tends4 ,until a girl makes her dbut in society1 she is not seen at a party of adults except in her own home1 and not there at a formal entertainment unless it be a birthday party1 a marriage1 or a christening4 ,even after an engagement is announced1 the chaperon is still the attendant of the young couple in fashionable circles1 when they go to any place of public amusement4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,the ,,marriage ,,engagement ,,it is a wise and courteous action on the part of a lover to consult with the parents of the young woman and win their consent to his proposals before he presents them to her4 ,this is largely a form in ,america1 for the reason that in a well-ordered home the young man has not had much opportunity to pay attention to the daughter1 unless the father and mother have considered him eligible for their daughter's friendship2 also1 the daughter1 rather than the parents1 does the choosing1 and few parents would have the temerity to refuse a young man1 whom they had permitted to enter their home1 a chance to try his fate4 ,should they have good cause for such refusal1 they should have used their influence and authority to counteract any favorable impression the young man may have made1 before matters came to a crisis4 ,the ,proposal ,in matters of great moment1 where the emotions are deeply stirred1 the trivialities of etiquette are at once superfluous and important4 ,one may be so greatly overwrought as to do the unintentionally cruel and inconsiderate thing1 unless habitual good breeding comes to the rescue1 and steadies one by showing what is the conventional thing to do4 ,no woman should permit a friendship to culminate in a proposal of marriage unless she is free to entertain such a proposal and has not decided in her own mind upon a negative answer4 ,of course1 there are times when she receives1 without power to check it1 an unwelcome proposal4 ,her refusal then should be very decisive but very considerate4 ,she should express regret at the situation1 and her appreciation of the honor which has been done her1 at the same time leaving no opportunity for future hope4 ,in case she is already engaged1 she should tell him so4 ,if the proposal be written1 it requires an immediate answer4 ,urgency of response is determined by the importance to the sender4 ,the return of a letter unopened1 even if the woman have good reason to think that it contains a proposal which she must refuse1 is extremely rude1 and should be done under no circumstances but flagrant breach of confidence4 ,if a letter is received by a woman from a man whom she has refused and whose persistency she has sought to end1 she may place the letter in the hands of her parents1 or guardians1 or legal representatives1 to be acted on as they think best4 ,the manner of a proposal is the touchstone of character4 ,no man and woman1 having passed through this experience together1 can fail to have obtained at least a glimpse of the depths or the shallows of each other's character4 ,in a great majority of cases in ,america1 at least1 where access to the young woman is gained through a thousand social channels1 the real declaration of love comes spontaneously1 and is accepted or rejected before there is opportunity even for the formal proposal4 ,for by a thousand half-unconscious signs does that state of mind reveal itself4 ,so it happens that when the opportunity offers to settle the matter1 there is little doubt in the mind of the lover and little hesitation on the part of the woman4 ,this is true in that society where really well-bred and noble-minded women hold sway1 for no woman of character permits the man to be long in doubt of her withdrawal of herself1 when she sees he is attracted and yet knows that she cannot respond to his advances4 ,the method of proposing is not a matter for a book on etiquette4 ,it concerns1 along with all major matters of morals1 those deeper things of life1 for which there is no instruction beyond the inculcation of high ideals4 ,when the engagement is a fact and so acknowledged in the home1 it is not a wise or courteous thing for the engaged couple to monopolize each other4 ,consideration on the part of the family would see to it that they have some time to be alone together4 ,yet the lovers should be as careful to keep their place in the social life of the home as if there were no special attachment4 ,for social exclusiveness shows an absorption in each other which1 if selfishly indulged1 will bring its own penalty4 ,that a couple are engaged denotes expectation of a future when they will be thrown largely upon each other's society2 and1 because it is essential for those who are to marry to become thoroughly acquainted1 they should together mingle with other people1 for so are the actual traits of character best brought out4 ,this does not mean that they should avoid or neglect being alone together at times1 but they should not obviously and selfishly absent themselves4 ,the young woman should be formally courteous to her affianced husband1 and should never slight him because he is pledged to her1 nor unduly exalt him for the same reason4 ,she should now remember that the broad world of her social interests is narrowing as they intensify1 and she should not attempt in any way to break the bounds set for the engaged girl4 ,she should not go alone with other young men to places of amusement or entertainment4 ,she should maintain her dignity so carefully as an affianced wife1 that her betrothed shall not have the slightest reason to be jealous of the attention she gives to the men whom she meets in society4 ,on the other hand she must not cater to the man she is to marry1 to the extent of failing to do her social duty1 or of making others feel that she has no interest in them4 ,as members of the same social set1 the engaged couple will naturally meet much in society4 ,they should not meet with effusion1 or sufficiently marked discrimination to make others about them embarrassed4 ,they should not spend too much time with each other4 ,their hostess will send them out to dinner together1--which is in marked contrast to the custom later when they are married1 for then they will always be separated when in society4 ,the young woman should be careful not to permit her fianc to take her away in a corner from other guests for a long time1 and he should remember to do his social duty by other young ladies present1 even if he wishes to devote himself to one4 ,the task of meeting each other's friends1 after the engagement is announced1 is one which should be most interesting and enjoyable1 and should have nothing of that embarrassment which comes from the sense of critical scrutiny4 ,the great ordeal of winning each other is decided1 and the die cast4 ,the smaller matter of establishing friendships on a mutual basis should be a pleasure and not an object of dread4 ,real affection and deep sincerity will make all prominent roughnesses smooth4 ,an engaged couple are apt to be in the foreground of any social event which they may both grace with their presence4 ,the common human interest of the unengaged1 and the reminiscent interest of the married1 tend to focus all eyes upon them4 ,for this reason they will try and be as little conspicuous as may be4 ,announcement of ,engagement ,the announcement of an engagement may be made in several ways1 but always first by the family of the young woman4 ,if a public newspaper announcement is desired1 a notice similar to the following1 signed with a name and address1 must be sent to the society editor of the local paper or papers3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,howard ,abbott announce the engagement of their daughter ,ethel to ,mr4 ,hayden ,b4 ,bradley1 of ,cleveland4 ,the date of the wedding has not been fixed1 but it will probably take place soon after ,easter4 ,or it may read3 ,miss ,ethel ,abbott announces her engagement to ,mr4 ,hayden ,b4 ,bradley1 etc4 ,if a less public announcement is desired1 the young couple may each write personal notes to their friends4 ,in these notes one or two afternoons are mentioned when the young woman with her mother will be ,at ,home4 ,this gives an opportunity for the relatives and friends of the young man to meet his fiance4 ,the entertainment will be an informal afternoon tea1 in which she and her mother receive1 the former wearing a pretty but not too rich-looking gown with long or elbow sleeves4 ,sandwiches1 cakes1 and tea should be served4 ,if an engagement is to be for long1 it would be well to have the announcement of it as quiet as possible1 or not to announce it until the time for the wedding draws near1 and1 also1 for the young people not to be seen very much together until its final stages4 ,immediately upon the announcement of an engagement1 the mother of the man should at once call upon the young woman and her mother1 and invite them1 or the entire family1 to dinner4 ,the family of the young man should be the first to make advances4 ,the other members of the young man's family should call upon the young woman promptly1 even if they have never met her before1 or1 if calling is impossible1 they should write and express their approval and good wishes4 ,according to the position of the family1 should the elaborateness of entertainment be4 ,it is a nice custom1 when the young lady lives in another city and has never met the family of her fianc1 for them to invite her to come and visit them4 ,the calls of his family upon her1 and their letters to her1 should be very promptly returned or answered4 ,if the young woman live in the country1 her father will invite the young man for a visit4 ,bridal ,showers ,the bestowal of engagement presents has of late years taken on a wholesale aspect4 ,instead of the occasional receipt of a present from one or another of her friends and relatives1 the bride-elect is often now the guest of honor at one or more parties called showers1 and the recipient of numerous gifts which are literally showered upon her4 ,there are many kinds of showers1 as many as the ingenuity and financial resources of friends may admit of4 ,when1 however1 any one bride is to be made the object of a series of such attentions1 it is well for the girl's friends who have the matter in hand to see to it that no one person is invited to more than one shower1 or1 if so invited1 that it be at her own request and because she wishes to make several gifts to her friend4 ,these affairs should be purely spontaneous and informal1 and occasions of much fun and jollity4 ,nevertheless1 there is danger of overdoing the idea1 and making the recipient feel burdened rather than gratified by the zeal of her friends in her behalf4 ,effort should be made not to have the articles given at a shower duplicate each other4 ,they should be some simple1 useful gifts1 which will be of immediate service1 and need not be either expensive or especially durable1 unless the giver so desires4 ,a shower is usually given when a wedding is in prospect1 and the necessity of stocking up the new home confronts the young home-makers4 ,the aim is to take a kindly interest in the new home and help to fit it out1 more in the way of suggestion than in any extravagant way1 which would make the recipients feel embarrassed or indebted1 or overload them with semidesirable gifts4 ,the shower is usually in the afternoon1 and is joined in almost exclusively by the girl friends of the bride-elect1 with perhaps a few of her older women friends and relatives4 ,if1 however1 it comes in the evening1 the men of the bridal party are usually also invited4 ,the refreshments are simple and the style of entertainment informal4 ,the invitations to a shower are usually given by the hostess verbally1 or she sends her cards by post with the words ,linen shower for ,miss ,hanley on ,wednesday at four4 ,there is a wide range of possible kinds of showers1 but the only rational way is to choose for a donation party of this sort only such objects as will be needed in quantity and variety1 and in the choice of which one has not too strong and distinctive taste1 as1 for instance1 the following3 ,linen1 towels1 glass1 books1 fancy china1 silver1 spoons1 aprons1 etc4 ,of course1 the furnishings of some one room1 as the bath-room1 laundry1 or kitchen1 might be the subject of a shower1 but usually a housewife would prefer to have what she wanted and nothing else for use in these places4 ,the ,broken ,engagement ,when an engagement is broken the young woman should return to the young man all letters and presents1 and may ask1 by a brief1 courteous1 but dignified1 note1 for the return of her letters to him4 ,it would not be necessary1 ordinarily1 to write such a note1 as the man would take the sending back of his gifts as final1 and to mean the return of hers also4 ,in case the wedding is near1 so that wedding presents have been received from friends1 the no longer bride-elect should return them to the givers with an explanatory note4 ,the note should mention nothing beyond the fact that the engagement has been broken4 ,the mother of the young woman is the one to announce the breaking of the engagement4 ,she quietly does so1 by word of mouth or notes to friends4 ,in case of a broken engagement1 it is not delicate to allude to it1 unless one is a very intimate friend1 and then it is better to leave the first broaching of the subject to the one most concerned4 ,it is customary for the privilege to be granted the woman of terminating an engagement without offering any explanation other than her will4 ,nevertheless1 she will not use this privilege arbitrarily1 without casting a shadow upon her reputation and character for faithfulness and integrity4 ,a man is expected to make no explanation1 even privately1 as to the reason for the breaking of the engagement1 as the release must at least appear to come from the woman4 ,whatever she chooses to say1 or however unjust the remarks of friends seem1 he is in honor bound to show great reserve1 and not to cast any shadow upon her reputation1 even if his own suffers instead4 ,however1 in many circles to-day it is enough to say that an engagement has been broken mutually1 even though no reason is obvious4 ,this should be so1 for if too much comment attaches to the breaking of a marriage engagement1 marriages will be entered into the almost certain outcome of which is the divorce court4 ,a lady should never accept any but trivial gifts1 such as flowers1 a book1 a piece of music1 or a box of confectionery1 from a gentleman who is not related to her4 ,even a marriage engagement does not make the acceptance of costly gifts wise4 ,preparation for a ,wedding ,the preparation which the bridegroom makes for the new home1 is1 of course1 by far the larger share of its establishment4 ,he provides the home1 furnishes it with everything but the linen1 which the bride will bring1 and the ornamental decorations1 including silver for the table1 which the wedding guests may1 in these days of lavish presents1 be expected to furnish4 ,even if he does not choose to set up a house-home at once1 the provision for the future is all his1 and he has to bring to the wedding the wherewithal to make a home1 whether it be in household furniture or only the certificates of wealth with which to provide for the bride4 ,this is a matter of pride with even the poorest lover1--with all save that small class of men who1 either from the most worldly of motives or1 in the very opposite extreme1 from motives so high that they will not permit personal pride to stand in the way of the real union of hearts1 submit to the indignity of becoming pensioners rather than donors4 ,whatever the custom for the division of responsibility in regard to the home and the future1 in actual life1 in every true home responsibility is equal1 and convenience alone decrees what the bride and the bridegroom shall each contribute to the common hoard4 ,the bridegroom also provides a part of the wedding1 and although his share is minimized1 yet it is often a costly and important part4 ,he should provide the flowers which the bride and her attendants carry4 ,the bride usually chooses her flowers1 which are ordinarily white roses1 lilies of the valley1 or fragrant white flowers of her favorite kind4 ,besides providing the wedding ring1 the bridegroom usually presents to the bride some gift4 ,it is perhaps the deed of the house he has bought and furnished for her4 ,or it may be jewelry1 or anything else that she desires and that he may have it in his power to bestow4 ,the bride makes him no special gift other than her hand1 as that is her supreme gift4 ,the personal provision of the bridegroom sometimes consists of a new wardrobe throughout1 besides his wedding suit4 ,if he is wise he will wear his new suits somewhat before he appears in them as newly married4 ,his wedding suit will consist of evening dress1 if he is to be married in the evening1 complete with white gloves and tie1 and boutonnire of the same flowers as the bride's bouquet4 ,if married in the afternoon1 or any time before six o'clock1 he will wear a frock coat of black1 white vest1 gray trousers1 and white tie and gloves4 ,in case the wedding is in the evening and the bride is to wear her traveling dress1 hat1 and gloves1 the bridegroom may wear the same suit as for an afternoon wedding1 if he chooses4 ,the custom of having a new wardrobe throughout is not necessarily followed1 of course4 ,it is through the bridegroom's consideration for the bride1 and his appreciation of the housewifely duties which she undertakes on his behalf1 that he makes those as small as possible at first1 knowing that the years will bring her her full share4 ,the bride's wedding wardrobe is made a matter of special moment1 because it is for the last time that she is outfitted by her father4 ,therefore1 he wishes to give her all that she needs for some time to come1 that she may grow used to reliance upon her husband before he has to undertake the burden of her personal expenses in the matter of clothes4 ,the outlay1 however1 is limited in quantity to the probable needs of the first season of married life1 if the bride is wise1 as there is no wisdom in having more garments than can be worn to advantage before the style changes4 ,no sensible woman will set a standard of expenditure too high for her future income1 in what she buys for her wedding wardrobe4 ,the only circumstances in which she should exceed the modest sum of her usual outlay1--beyond the fact that she needs more and special garments for the different social occasions1 and has a pride in having them as nice as possible1--are those in which she marries a man of much higher social station and much larger income than her own4 ,in that case it may be well for her to put some of her savings for the future into the gowns which she knows will be necessary for her in her new station4 ,the special gowns necessary for a bride are3 ,her wedding gown1--which is of pure white if a maiden1 or pearl gray or some other delicate color if a widow1--the wedding veil1 the traveling suit1 a reception gown1 a church suit1 a somewhat elaborate visiting suit1 a plain street suit1 house dresses1 a dainty wrapper1 and a new outfitting of underclothing1 in number and quality to suit her usual custom1 or as nice as she can afford4 ,for the bride whose purse is not overfull the number of gowns and suits can be materially diminished2 the wedding gown1 with some slight changes1 such as the removal of the high collar and long sleeves1 can be used as an evening dress2 the traveling1 church1 and visiting suit may be one and the same2 the house dresses may be reduced to a minimum by frequent washing4 ,that one cannot provide an elaborate wardrobe with which to begin married life should not be a barrier to a marriage which in every other respect appears to be auspicious4 ,the bride's trousseau proper1 or that store of linen which she provides for her new home1 should consist of approximately the following3 ,for every bed three pairs of sheets1 three pairs of pillow cases1 three bolster cases1 one or two pairs of blankets1 two counterpanes1 and an extra quilt4 ,for her bedrooms she should provide table1 stand1 and bureau covers1 as the style of the furniture may suggest1 and also such covers for couch pillows or armchairs as a thrifty housewife would desire for the sake of cleanliness4 ,for the bath-room there should be three dozen towels1 a half-dozen bath towels4 ,towels for the maid should also be included4 ,for the dining-room1 four tablecloths and two dozen napkins for common use1 with two finer tablecloths and two dozen napkins for special occasions1 make ample provision for the average home4 ,there should be doilies and tray cloths1 covers for the sideboard1 also mats and centerpieces for the table4 ,for the kitchen1 three dozen cloth towels for dishes1 hand towels1 cleaning cloths1 holders1 and every necessary sort of towel in abundance4 ,with the increasing use of the paper towel1 much of this provision for bath-room and kitchen may be dispensed with1 as the paper towel is much neater and more economical4 ,the wedding gown1 which is of white satin or silk1 and usually as rich and elegant as the bride can afford1 is always cut high in the neck and with long sleeves1 or1 if elbow sleeves1 they are supplemented by long gloves1 which are not removed even at the wedding breakfast4 ,the custom is to wear white exclusively from veil to shoes4 ,whether or not the veil is worn1 a hat is never provided for this gown4 ,it is customary1 in case a bride is married in her traveling suit1 for her to wear the hat and gloves which go with it4 ,at a home wedding1 however1 this rule is not usually adhered to1 unless the couple leave at once4 ,the bridal veil and orange blossoms are worn only at the first marriage of a woman1 and usually only with a gown made with a train4 ,the bridegroom should acquaint himself with the rules and regulations in regard to the marriage license some weeks ahead of the date set for the wedding1 if possible1 as the rules vary in different states1 and in some a period of residence or notification is necessary4 ,a marriage certificate1 furnishing easily available knowledge of the legality of the marriage and its date1 is often of great convenience in the disposition of property1 the probating of wills1 and in the settlement of numerous questions which might arise in minor matters4 ,this should be provided before the ceremony1 filled out and signed immediately after it by the officiating clergyman1 and signed by several witnesses4 ,the wedding ring is1 by long established custom1 a plain gold band4 ,it should be of the best gold1 and the fashion now is for it to be moderately narrow and thin rather than wide and thick4 ,the ring1 the unbroken circle1 is symbolic of eternity4 ,the bridegroom gives it into the keeping of the best man1 whose duty it is to hand it promptly to him at the proper moment of the ceremony4 ,the initials and date are engraved upon the inner surface of the ring4 ,when wider rings were worn some appropriate sentiment was also often engraved4 ,once placed upon the bride's finger1 it is her pride to see that it is never removed4 ,as ,mrs4 ,sangster feelings says1 ,it is a badge of honor1 and1 worn on any woman's hand1 a symbol of her right to belong to the ranks of worthy matrons4 ,it is well to rehearse the movements of the bridal procession within a day or two of the ceremony1 that there may be no flaw in the conduct of the actors in this dramatic bit of realism4 ,if it is to be a church wedding1 more than one rehearsal may be required4 ,in that case the organist should be present1 as well as every member of the bridal party1 except the clergyman4 ,the opening of the church for such rehearsal is included in the fee which the sexton receives1 which ranges from ten to fifty dollars4 ,usually refreshments1 in the form of either a dinner or supper1 follow the rehearsal1 the bride entertaining at her home4 ,if the ,episcopal service is to be used1 or any other service in which the bride and bridegroom kneel1 cushions for their use should be provided4 ,these are usually covered in white satin1 with outer covers of very sheer lawn upon which the initials may be worked4 ,the floral decorations of the church or home should be subordinated to the main interest2 that is1 they should not be too elaborate1 take up too much room1 or do other than furnish a fitting background for the bridal couple4 ,the decorations usually follow some definite color scheme1 although simply the white flowers with green foliage are appropriate and symbolic for a church wedding4 ,a few palms1 simple bouquets of flowers arranged naturally and gracefully1 with foliage to contrast and fill the corners1 will decorate an altar or make a pleasant bower4 ,when costliness rather than beauty is the effect of flowers1 the display is vulgar4 ,an awning should be stretched from the house or church door to the sidewalk1 so that the guests and bridal party may not be subjected to the gaze of curious passers-by as they leave the carriages4 ,an attendant should be stationed at the sidewalk to open the doors of the carriages1 and to give to the coachmen and guests numbers by which their carriages may be speedily called4 ,while the provision of the carriages belongs with all other things to the bride's family1 the carriages for the bridegroom and his family are provided by them4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,the ,,conduct ,,of ,a ,,wedding ,,in cities at present the most fashionable hour for the ceremony is high noon1 following the ,english custom1 and in remembrance of the long-standing tradition which placed the wedding early in the day1 before the night's fast had been broken4 ,the afternoon is a suitable time1 as it enables friends to gather more conveniently from the distance1 and as the reception with refreshments is much more easily arranged for than is a breakfast4 ,for an afternoon wedding1 three o'clock is the proper hour in the winter1 four o'clock in the summer4 ,the evening was at one period the fashionable time1 and it still retains its popularity and long will among the middle class of people and in the country1 because a larger gathering of friends can be expected at that time1 as all are free from business and household cares4 ,the ,church ,wedding ,for the church wedding special arrangements must be made for the seating of the guests4 ,a certain number of pews in the center front of the church are reserved for the families and intimate friends of the bride and bridegroom4 ,the reservation is indicated by a broad white ribbon barrier across the aisle1 or a garland of flowers4 ,the family of the bride is seated on one side of the aisle1 and that of the bridegroom on the other4 ,the ushers should be at the church at least a half-hour before the guests begin to arrive4 ,they wear small buttonhole bouquets of flowers like those used in the decorations of the church1 which are sent them there by the florist4 ,in seating the guests they should take great care to seat in the reserved space only those whose names are on the list given them as belonging there4 ,therefore1 they ask the name of each guest whom they do not know before assigning him his seat4 ,sometimes1 however1 each of these special guests is provided with a card which he gives to the usher4 ,when a gentleman and lady enter the church together1 the usher offers his right arm to the lady1 and the gentleman follows them as they proceed down the aisle4 ,when several ladies arrive together1 the usher offers his arm to the eldest1 and requests the others to follow as he conducts her to her seat4 ,each usher asks of each guest whether he is friend of the bride or bridegroom1 and seats him accordingly1 upon the left of the church if a friend of the bride1 upon the right if a friend of the groom4 ,in case the bridegroom is from the distance1 and therefore there are few of his friends present1 this custom is not followed4 ,immediately before the bridal party appears1 the mother of the bride is escorted by the head usher to a seat in the front pew4 ,any sisters or brothers of the bride who may not be in the bridal procession enter with their mother4 ,meanwhile the bridal party has been gathering1 the bridesmaids going to the home of the bride and there receiving from her their bouquets1 which are the gift of the bridegroom4 ,thence they take carriages to the church1 where they all arrive at the hour set for the ceremony4 ,when the first carriage arrives1 containing two of the bridesmaids1--as the carriage of the bride and her father is the last1--the head usher closes the inner vestibule door1 and the other ushers see that all entrance at side doors is barred4 ,when the bride arrives the outer street doors are closed1 and the procession forms4 ,two of the ushers have already carried the broad white ribbon down the sides of the main aisle1 thus shutting in the pews1 and have taken down the ribbon barrier across it4 ,the bridegroom and his best man have come in a carriage by themselves and entered the church by the vestry door4 ,they and the clergyman await the notice of the bride's arrival4 ,the organist1 who has been playing appropriate selections while the guests were assembling1 begins on the wedding march as the doors to the church are thrown open in signal that all is in readiness4 ,the audience rises4 ,the clergyman takes his place1 and the bridgegroom and best man enter1 the former standing at the clergyman's left1 the latter just behind the bridegroom1 who is facing the aisle down which the bride will come4 ,first come the ushers1 two and two1 keeping pace with the time of the music1 which is a stately1 dignified march4 ,the bridesmaids follow1 also two and two1 with about six feet of space between each couple4 ,the maid of honor alone1 or the maid and matron of honor together1 then come4 ,the flower girl1 or flower children follow1 scattering flowers from a basket hung upon the left arm4 ,then come the bride and her father1 or nearest male relative1 she with downcast eyes and leaning upon his right arm4 ,the procession divides as it reaches a spot opposite the place where the bride and bridegroom are to stand1 or1 in an ,episcopal church1 the top of the chancel steps2 half go to the right and half to the left4 ,the bridesmaids stand between the ushers1 all being grouped in a semicircle4 ,the maid of honor stands at the left1 in front of the bridesmaids and near the bride4 ,the bridegroom advances to meet the bride1 who leaves her father and takes the bridegroom's hand1 then accepts his left arm and is escorted by him to a position in front of the clergyman4 ,the couple kneel for a moment before the ceremony begins4 ,at the place in the ceremony where the question is asked1 ,who giveth this woman to be married to this man8 the father1 who has been standing a few feet back1 advances and places the bride's right hand in that of the clergyman1 who places it in the right hand of the bridegroom4 ,the father then takes his seat in the front pew with his wife1 whom1 as they leave the church1 he escorts4 ,should a widowed mother be the only one to respond to this inquiry1 she simply rises from her seat and bows4 ,in such a case the bridegroom usually enters with the bride1 and the procession is less elaborate4 ,when the troth is being plighted and the ring is about to be given1 the best man hands it to the bridegroom1 who passes it to the bride4 ,she hands it to the clergyman1 who returns it to the bridegroom4 ,then the latter places it upon the third finger of the bride's left hand4 ,the significance of the passing of the ring is that it completes a circle1 the symbol of eternity1 of which the clergyman is one1 thus symbolizing the sanction of the church4 ,after the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the newly wedded couple1 and the bride takes the right arm of her husband1 walking thus down the aisle1 the bridal party following in reverse order1 the ushers therefore last4 ,even at a stately church ceremonial it has been known for the bride to stop and kiss her mother before passing down the aisle4 ,the duties of the maid of honor during the service are to take from the bride her glove and bouquet as the clergyman asks the bride and bridegroom to join hands4 ,then it is her care to remove the veil from before the face of the bride when the ceremony is over1 and to turn the train of her gown that it may fall rightly as she passes up the aisle4 ,occasionally when there are two main aisles to the church1 the bridal procession enters on the one amid the friends of the bride1 and returns on that amid the friends of the groom1 to signify that the bride has now become one of them4 ,the best man follows the clergyman to the vestry1 hands him the fee1 if the groom had not before done so1 and passes down the side aisle to signal for the bridal carriage1 and to give the bridegroom his hat and coat4 ,he then goes to the bride's house1 where he assists the ushers in introducing the guests to the pair4 ,the organist starts up a very joyous march at the conclusion of the ceremony1 and continues playing while the guests are dispersing4 ,following the bridal procession the families and intimate friends of the couple pass out before the audience1 as the ribbon barriers which reserve the aisle are not taken down until all have passed out4 ,if the reception is at the home1 this gives the bridal party time to enter the carriages2 if the reception is in the church parlors1 it gives time for them to take their places in the receiving line4 ,at the bride's home there is now time1 before the guests arrive1 for all of the bridal party to congratulate and felicitate the bride and bridegroom1 and also to sign after them the register of the marriage1 which is in the care of the best man4 ,this is usually in the form of a book bound in white1 with the initials of the bride and bridegroom embossed upon it1 and opportunity is usually given for the wedding guests to add their signatures also4 ,the bride's mother1 who is the real hostess of the occasion1 stands near the entrance of the room in which the reception is held4 ,in a receiving line at the head of the room stand the bride and bridegroom with half of the bridesmaids ranged on the bride's right and the other half on the groom's left4 ,the parents of the groom stand near and the father of the bride with them or with his wife1 as host4 ,the ushers present the guests to the bride and bridegroom1 and then to their parents1 as guests of honor4 ,a few words of congratulation to the bridegroom and of best wishes to the bride are all that the few moments possible for each guest permit4 ,the bride offers her hand to each guest1 and presents to her husband her friends1 as he does his to her4 ,the ,home ,wedding ,the home wedding may be made in every way quite as ideal as the church wedding1 and is much more simple1 its privacy appealing to many4 ,the house will be decorated with flowers in good taste and not too great profusion4 ,usually a canopy or bower of flowers and foliage is erected at the head of the drawing-room4 ,this should not be too massive1 as only a special grouping of the flowers is preferable to an arrangement which is too crowded or shaded4 ,as the guests arrive the mother and sisters of the bride receive them4 ,the father of the bride does not appear1 nor1 of course1 does the bride1 until they enter together4 ,a room is placed at the disposal of the bridegroom1 the best man1 and the clergyman4 ,at the stroke of the hour appointed1 the clergyman enters and takes his stand facing the company4 ,the bridegroom and best man also enter and stand at the left of the clergyman1 the best man somewhat behind4 ,as in a church wedding1 the broad white ribbon is used to mark the aisle4 ,if bouquets are attached to the ends of it1 they will hold it in place4 ,then from the farthest corner of the room enters the bridal procession1 formed as for a church wedding4 ,at a simple house wedding there are often no attendants1 the bride and bridegroom entering the room together1 the bride's father having taken his position near at hand1 where he can readily respond at the right moment4 ,another way of forming the procession1 which has all the advantages of the more elaborate one1 is for the best man to follow the ushers1 then the one bridesmaid to enter immediately preceding the bride and bridegroom4 ,music is often dispensed with at a home wedding4 ,when the ceremony is over the clergyman congratulates the couple and withdraws1 and they1 turning1 face their friends1 who then come to wish them happiness4 ,whether the wedding take place in the home or at the church1 the bridal pageant has only one object in view1--it is wholly for the sake of the bridegroom4 ,every woman desires to come to her husband in all the glory of her womanhood and of her social position4 ,by all custom the bridegroom does not see his bride upon the wedding day until she approaches him as he stands at the altar4 ,so1 with her family doing her the utmost honor that they can1 she comes to him1 bringing all that she has and is1 and placing herself and her future in his care4 ,the coming is just as real1 however1 though the utmost simplicity prevail4 ,back of all the minute detail of wedding custom there is a symbolism4 ,with the constant elevation of the standards of marriage1 this symbolism and these customs grow purer and more in accord with the ideals4 ,just as it is always taken for granted that a marriage ceremony is uniting loving hearts1 so little by little all that is at variance with that thought will drop away1 as have already several minor details1 and new forms and customs more in harmony with the new ideals take the place of the old4 ,these changes1 however1 come very gradually1 and should not be hastened1 but should only keep pace with the new conceptions4 ,nevertheless1 there should not be too tenacious a clinging to the old forms1 which expressed lower conceptions1 when the masterly thought of the day is forging out higher and purer ideals of marriage4 ,the ,wedding ,breakfast ,the wedding breakfast is the name given to the refreshments which follow the noon wedding4 ,it is usually given when there are but few relatives and intimate friends1 because it is an expensive feast if large numbers are invited4 ,it is really a dinner1 served in courses1 at numerous small tables1 each with a complete dinner service4 ,one large table1 placed in the center of the room or elsewhere conspicuously1 is reserved for the bridal party4 ,the menu usually consists of fruit1 raw oysters1 bouillon1 fish or lobster in some fancy form1 an entre1 birds and salad1 ices1 cakes1 bonbons1 and coffee1 according to one recognized authority4 ,or it may be much simpler1 and include only oysters or bouillon1 sandwiches and salad1 ices1 cakes1 and coffee4 ,usually some punch is served in which to pledge the bride and bridegroom4 ,if wine is used1 champagne is customary for weddings4 ,the caterer usually supplies all the necessities for the wedding feast1 even to china1 linen1 silver1 candelabra1 and flowers1 should the bride's parents so wish4 ,at the wedding reception1 after the congratulations and greetings are over1 and the breakfast is announced1 the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the dining-room4 ,then comes the bride's father with the groom's mother4 ,the bridegroom's father follows with some member of the bride's family1 then come the best man and the maid of honor4 ,the ushers and bridesmaids pair off1 and other members of the bridal party or of the two families follow in pairs4 ,lastly1 as hostess of the occasion1 comes the bride's mother1 with the officiating clergyman1 or the senior and highest in rank of the clergymen1 if there be more than one1 as guest of honor4 ,the rest of the guests1 who are not seated at the bridal table1 find their seats as they choose1 with friends1 no place cards being used4 ,for an afternoon or evening reception the refreshments are served as for any reception4 ,a large table in the dining-room is decorated with flowers and piled with the edibles1 which are served by the waiters to the guests as they enter4 ,the variety of food depends wholly upon the resources of the bride's parents and the size and elaborateness of the wedding4 ,many prefer a simple repast as the hour is unusual for a meal1 and a dinner is not to be served4 ,when the bride and bridegroom enter and are served1 the best man proposes a toast to their health and happiness1 and all present stand1 glass in hand1 and pledge them4 ,at a wedding breakfast the ,english custom is to have toasts and speeches1 but it is not followed largely in this country4 ,where it is1 usually at a small wedding party1 the father of the bridegroom or the best man proposes the health of the bride and bridegroom4 ,the father of the bride responds4 ,sometimes the bridegroom is called on to respond to this toast1 which he does1 proposing in turn the health of the bridesmaids4 ,to this the best man responds4 ,the wedding cake is a rich dark fruit cake1 which is at its best only when made months in advance and kept in a stone crock well covered4 ,this is finely frosted and ornamented4 ,at the close of the wedding breakfast the wedding cake is set before the bride1 who cuts the first slice from it4 ,it is then passed to the others4 ,at a large wedding1 where no breakfast is served1 the wedding cake is usually cut into small pieces and placed in white boxes1 which are decorated with the initials of the bride and bridegroom and are tied with white ribbon4 ,these are placed upon a table in the hall near the door and the guests either each take one as he leaves1 or one is handed him by a servant4 ,sometimes a part of the wedding cake is put away in a tin box and sealed1 to be opened by the couple on some future anniversary4 ,the wedding cake is distinct from the bride's cake1 which may be served by the latter at a dinner to her bridesmaids a day or more before the wedding1 and in which a thimble1 a coin1 and a ring are hidden4 ,the superstition is that the young women who by chance receive the slices containing these are respectively destined for a future of single blessedness1 wealth1 or domestic bliss4 ,at a reception the larger number of the guests depart before the bridal couple go to the dining-room4 ,as soon as refreshments are served them1 and the toast to them has been drunk1 they retire to don suits for traveling4 ,the bridegroom waits for the bride at the foot of the staircase1 and the bridesmaids gather there too1 as when she comes1 she throws her bridal bouquet among them1 and the bridesmaid who catches it will be the next bride1 according to an old superstition4 ,as the outer door is opened to let the couple out1 all the friends and relatives present throw flowers or confetti or rice after them1 for good luck1 and an old white slipper is thrown after the carriage as they drive off4 ,the custom of thus showering the departing couple has been sometimes carried to such an extreme that many refrain from it4 ,rice is somewhat dangerous1 and confetti is so distinctive as frequently to cause embarrassment when in a public train or station4 ,flowers may appropriately be used1 and are always at hand in the decorations of the home4 ,the ,wedding ,journey ,the wedding journey is the bride and bridegroom's affair1 and the knowledge of it is kept their secret and divulged only to the best man1 who probably helps arrange for it1 and to the father and mother of the bride1 and they all are silent about it4 ,the intrusion of even intimate friends upon such a trip is not considered good form4 ,the custom of taking a journey at this time is not so rigidly observed as it used to be1 many young couples preferring to go direct to their new home1 or to a quiet country house for the honeymoon4 ,the real wishes of the couple should be followed out at this time1 because they are now more free from social obligations than they will be later1 and a wise start upon married life is of all things most desirable and necessary4 ,wedding ,fee ,the fee should be placed in an envelope or purse1 and given to the clergyman by the best man or some friend of the bridegroom1 just before or just after the ceremony1 as may be most convenient4 ,it is sometimes handed to the clergyman by the bridegroom at the close of the ceremony and before the couple turn away from the altar4 ,it should be always given quietly1 privately1 and with no display or comment4 ,the clergyman does not examine the fee or comment upon it1 other than indicating his acceptance4 ,the size of the fee is a matter of individual taste4 ,because it is unostentatiously given1 its size is known only to the bridegroom and the clergyman1 and to none others unless they wish to tell4 ,there are some people in fashionable circles who employ a minister only at marriages and funerals1 and who labor under the impression that they are objects of charity and that by them even the small favor is always thankfully received4 ,no one thing so denotes the degree of real refinement in a man as the fee he offers the clergyman for marrying him4 ,the clergyman is one of the three principals in the marriage ceremony4 ,the great majority of brides desire that their marriage should have the sanction and benediction of the religious body with which they worship1 or which has standing in their community and among their people4 ,at the very least1 in the civil marriage1 without a third party to represent either church or state a marriage ceremony and therefore a legalized marriage is impossible4 ,the third principal is therefore an important part of the affair4 ,to treat him shabbily in any way denotes no real appreciation of his presence4 ,so it is that the true gentleman is as willing to give a handsome fee to him1 if his means permit it1 as he is to give to his bride something which shall delight and please her1 and which shall symbolize his appreciation of the gift of herself4 ,the bridegroom's offering to the clergyman is indeed the touchstone of his refinement4 ,wedding fees vary from five to a thousand dollars1 the usual amount being twenty-five dollars for the fairly affluent4 ,wedding ,presents ,so extreme has become the custom of sending wedding presents that it is perhaps necessary to remind those who really desire to do the correct thing1 that a perfunctory service1 or gift1 or courtesy has no intrinsic value1 and the omission of it would often be far more satisfactory than its bestowal4 ,the usual form of wedding gift is something of use and ornament for the new house4 ,silver1 linen1 cut glass1 or china for the dining-room1 furniture1 rugs1 lamps1 clocks1 vases1 books1 and pictures1 or bric-a-brac for the rest of the house1 are all appropriate4 ,if silver is given1 it should not be marked1 as the bride may have duplicates and prefer to exchange some pieces for others1 or as she may have a special form of engraving which she prefers4 ,the exchange of a gift1 however1 removes from it the personal thought of the giver1 and makes its acceptance more a matter of mercenary than of friendly interest4 ,if1 however1 such exchange is made at the suggestion or with the approval of the giver1 it still remains a personal gift4 ,the indefinite way in which many people choose wedding gifts for their friends1 following only the conventional ideas of what is suitable1 has taken a great deal of personal interest from the gift at the very first4 ,the wedding gift should be a real gift in spirit1 something expressive of the giver's good wishes1 and something which the bride and bridegroom can enjoy and appreciate for its worth to them4 ,foolish things1 whether expensive or not1 have no real utility or beauty1 and have always the atmosphere of insult about them1 or else always reflect upon the intelligence of the giver4 ,a bride should acknowledge all gifts as soon as they are received1 and before her wedding day if possible4 ,spontaneous rather than stereotyped notes of thanks are preferable4 ,they should show appreciation of the gift1 and include the name of the bridegroom-elect in her expression of their gratitude4 ,a bride should remember that too elaborate notes1 which are a grave tax on her strength or time in the busy days preceding a wedding1 are unwise1 as is any other unnecessary expenditure of energy4 ,it is never obligatory to send a wedding present4 ,the wedding announcement and wedding invitation are equally suggestive of such gifts1 for in either case1 whether one is invited to the ceremony or not1 one is perfectly free to do as he pleases about conferring a gift4 ,the ,country ,wedding ,there is an especial attractiveness and simplicity about the out-door wedding in the country1 for those who desire to get rid of the conventional and artificial4 ,such a wedding is1 of course1 a day wedding4 ,the late afternoon might be chosen1 but the twilight never4 ,the weather must be warm4 ,a secluded corner in the garden1 the shade of some stately tree on the lawn1 or the flowery seclusion of some orchard tree make attractive chancels for the ceremony4 ,the grass should be cut close1 and all leaves and dbris swept away4 ,somewhat removed from the place of the ceremony1 but still on the lawn or piazza1 small tables and chairs may be placed in groups1 and refreshments served out of doors also4 ,the simplicity and homelike yet solemn atmosphere of a wedding in a country church appeal to many4 ,there much of the formality of a city church wedding may be dispensed with1 and yet the whole of the religious spirit1 which should attend a church wedding1 and indeed any wedding1 be retained4 ,the country church lends itself more aptly to those private weddings where the bridal party1 whether small or large1 are the only spectators1 than does the large city church4 ,the sense of exclusiveness is preserved without the great sense of bareness and emptiness4 ,to many the private church wedding appeals with great force4 ,the religious and sacramental nature of the ceremony is emphasized1 without the pomp and display of the public service4 ,such a wedding usually takes place in the daytime rather than in the evening4 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,,etiquette ,,for ,,children ,,one may be taught self-restraint and unselfish consideration for others at so early an age that such virtues become habitual1 and minor maxims are to a large extent unnecessary4 ,of course1 the child will still have to be shown the various ways in which he can show consideration1 but he will quite frequently do of himself those acts which make for the comfort and well-being of others4 ,habits of deference to elders spring from more complex motives1 and the training in them may have to be more persistent and rigorous4 ,boys should be taught to take off their caps to their elders1 both in the family and in the circle of friends1 when they meet them on the street4 ,they should rise when ladies enter the room1 and remain standing until all are seated4 ,an important part in a child's bringing up is to teach him to put away his own garments and to clear up after his play or work4 ,if this is instilled early into the child1 there will never be any need of the pain of counteracting slovenliness1 and also never any of that disagreeable haughtiness toward servants1 which is fostered by nothing so much as by the inch-by-inch waiting upon a child4 ,the child who has been made a companion of1 and not repressed or driven away by the older people of the family1 has a sort of instinctive respect for them1 which1 though it may overstep itself in some daring familiarity occasionally1 is the basis of a strong authority over him4 ,the child who has been spied on1 and whose idea of all adults is that they are a sort of modified policemen1 will show respect only under compulsion1 and will fail in all those fine courtesies which the thoroughly well-bred child grows to delight in4 ,self-control and self-repression are equal virtues to be cultivated in the child4 ,to permit the child to be indifferent and inattentive when one is trying to amuse or entertain1 to be impatient to get at the end of a story or a game1 to keep yawning2 or making other expressions of weariness when being reproved or reprimanded1 cultivates in the child a mental laziness which is as bad as its opposite1--parrot-like facility for chattering and asking questions1 which gives a child no chance to think1 and makes him develop into a man of only surface intelligence and thoughtless flippancy4 ,even a child can appreciate1 if rightly taught1 the motive back of a kind action1 and can respect that even if the action does not interest him4 ,on the other hand1 it is a serious matter to allow a child to be constantly bored with lectures on his conduct1 or even with efforts to amuse him4 ,he should be let alone1 thrown upon his own resources1 and not permitted to be taxed beyond adult endurance by well-meaning but futile efforts on his behalf4 ,children should never be allowed to interrupt4 ,for that reason parents1 and those who have the care of children1 should remember not to monopolize the conversation when there are children present1 nor talk on and on for a long time1 as no person1 least of all a child1 can follow such continuous talk without weariness4 ,children should be taught that thinking will answer most of their questions for them1 that they should wait and see if the answer will not be given by something that is said later on4 ,every effort made to drive the thought of a loquacious child back upon itself is an effort in the right direction2 just as every effort made to express and reveal the thought of an imaginative child is much to the latter's benefit4 ,the sayings of a child should never be quoted in his presence1 nor his doings related4 ,he becomes hopelessly self-conscious thereby4 ,a child should be taught to respect the rights of the father and mother to the easiest chairs in the room1 or those which they may prefer1 and should leave those chairs vacant until the father and mother are seated elsewhere4 ,the boy who has been brought up at home1 both by precept and by his father's example1 never to seat himself at the dining table or in the family sitting-room until his mother is seated1 will not need to be told that he should rise in a crowded street car and give his seat to an elderly woman4 ,he will do it so instinctively that it will not be a burden1--indeed1 the regret would be more keen if he could not do it4 ,if children are present at the dining table1 it is wiser to help them first1 and the grown people last1 than the reverse4 ,in everything it is well to follow the etiquette of adult life1 as1 for instance1 by helping the girls before the boys4 ,children should be taught to be punctual at meals1 not simply for the sake of health1 but out of consideration for the cook and for those who might otherwise be obliged to wait for them4 ,they should not be allowed to hurry through a meal because of their impatience to get at play1 although they may be wisely excused when they are quite through4 ,there is no value in making them the bored1 squirming1 or subdued listeners to conversation quite beyond their comprehension or interest4 ,they should be taught to eat leisurely1 and to regard the mealtime as a chance to talk with their parents about interesting things1 and not simply as a time to be shortened and slighted if possible4 ,usually the child's first rigid lesson in punctuality comes at the beginning of school life4 ,then1 most profitably1 may be cultivated a sense of the rights of others1 and of his individual responsibility toward the social group1 represented for him by his teacher and schoolmates4 ,if the emphasis is rightly laid upon the necessity of his not delaying the work of his classmates and teacher1 he will naturally find many ways in which he may apply the same thought1 greatly to his own advantage and to theirs as well1 and to the permanent strengthening of his habits of work4 ,a keen sense of social oneness may also prevent the too frequent heart-burnings among shy and sensitive children4 ,this is as easily cultivated as is the opposite1 and is of great importance both in childhood and in later life4 ,the seeming injustice of the teacher may often be made clear1 and seen to be just1 when the welfare of the whole school is taken into consideration4 ,this is a matter of the natural enlargement of the child's mental horizon1 and if the proper spirit has been fostered1 the child will welcome it4 ,should it be done carefully and wisely1 the roots of many social weeds will at once be eliminated4 ,fault-finding should be discouraged in school and at home4 ,it is never the best method of fault correction1 and should not be countenanced4 ,the bringing home of tales of the teacher and of schoolmates1 in a spirit of complaint1 should not be permitted4 ,pleasant accounts of happenings at school should be encouraged1 but grumbling against rules1 as well as personal gossip1 should not be permitted4 ,the authority of the home must support the authority of the school or the child will nowhere receive that discipline and training which he needs in order to meet the experiences of life4 ,the child should be allowed a certain sum of money1 which1 even in the most lavish homes1 should be a little under what the wants of the child require4 ,the giving of this money should be done regularly at a stated time1 and there should never be any extra giving1 or increase of the usual sum1 except under very unusual circumstances1 which should not be allowed to happen more than once a year4 ,the child should also be held accountable for his money4 ,if he is old enough to have any money1 or to spend any1 he is old enough to tell how he spent it1 even to the last penny4 ,unless all is accounted for1 the habits of accuracy and care are not formed4 ,the record of this should be written down1 even if done very simply and without special form1 and later1 as the child grows older1 more conventional forms of bookkeeping should be required4 ,it should be also required that there be some saving1 which is preferably a certain proportion of the whole1 this for a beginning to which to add extra sums as the child may wish4 ,this saved sum should be permanently put by1 and drawing from it should not be permitted4 ,it may be transferred to a bank at long intervals1 always by the child himself1 and his pride in doing it and keeping it there should be cultivated4 ,these matters may all be made a game and sheer fun4 ,their grave importance is apparent on every hand4 ,for the child which has been taught early to do these things1 will do them with such ease as to make it seem instinctive1 and the child who does it will never1 under any ordinary circumstances1 come to want4 ,the proper behavior in church should be taught rather by trying to inculcate the spirit of worship than by making rules to be followed4 ,a child is very susceptible to impressiveness of any sort1 and if the reason for it is made clear to him1 he will be quicker to respond to it by a reverent attitude of spirit than does an older person4 ,even the obstreperous child is at least temporarily impressed1 if he sees that others are1 and if he knows the reason for it4 ,children should realize that it is their privilege and duty to serve guests1 whether their own or their parents4 ,the sacrifice of one's own comfort for the sake of the guest takes1 with a child1 the form of a sort of play1 usually because of the excitement of the arrival of a stranger1 and the possibilities of fun in the enjoyment of the stranger's stay4 ,the child should be taught respect for the guest's person1 and should not be allowed to take the same liberties with a gown or a glove that sometimes the mother or aunts permit1 no matter how great the novelty of the texture or how it appeals to the child's sense of beauty4 ,the privileges of being a guest should be always duly respected1 and the child be thus taught at once his duty as a host and his position as a guest4 ,children should never be allowed to play with a visitor's hat or cane1 or handle furniture or ornaments in a strange house1 or show by ill-mannerly conduct the curiosity which a child1 in unaccustomed surroundings1 naturally feels4 ,they can be taught so great a respect for the possessions of others that they would become able to stifle their curiosity1 or express it only at a fitting time4 ,children should not be sent to the drawing-room to entertain visitors1 unless the visitors request it themselves4 ,nor should they be allowed to be troublesome to visitors or guests at any time1 any more than servants should be allowed to be insolent4 ,they should never be allowed the freedom of the rooms of the guests1 nor to visit them often or long4 ,children should not be permitted to enter into the pleasures of their elders when1 to do so1 would be to spoil the kind of sociability for which the occasion was intended4 ,at all formal functions1 children are out of place4 ,when making formal calls1 children are usually in the way1 and the silent part they are forced to play is disagreeable for them4 ,they are also out of place at a funeral1 or in a cemetery1 or anywhere that there is mourning4 ,it is an injury to a child to see grief1--unless it be his great concern1 and in that case it is no longer a matter of etiquette1 but of necessary life experience4 ,children should not dine out except by special invitation4 ,it is as discourteous to permit a child thoughtlessly to inconvenience a neighbor1 as it is wrong for the child to think that such uninvited visits are permissible4 ,a child should be taught never to touch what does not belong to it1 except with the express permission of the owner4 ,this applies to goods in a store1 as well as to the furniture of places other than his home1 and to the belongings of others in his home4 ,a child should not be allowed to intrude into a drive1 a walk1 a call1 or a conversation4 ,it is unfair to the child1 and awkward for him1 and is no kindness1 as it takes away the benefit which he might otherwise derive from the pleasure either by continually snubbing his self-respect1 or by repressing his energy and curiosity to the danger point4 ,children should not be allowed to go to picnic parties1 unless they have been invited and entertainment prepared for them4 ,children should be taught to treat servants with all the politeness with which they treat their elders1 and with much more consideration4 ,the converse of the servants with children should be of the same careful and pleasant quality that the best parents use and desire4 ,this may well be insisted upon4 ,on the other hand1 the children should be taught that servants are busy people1 that they should never be imposed upon1 and that unnecessary work should not be made for them4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,,etiquette ,,of ,,mourning ,,upon the occasion of a death in the family a reliable undertaker is at once notified and his suggestions followed as to the necessary preparations to be made for the funeral4 ,the shades are drawn throughout the front of the house1 as a sign that the family is in retirement4 ,the women of the family are not seen upon the street unless necessary1 the men taking full charge of all business matters4 ,the directions which the undertaker desires should be decided upon by the family1 or nearest relative of the deceased1 and then some one member of the family should be delegated to see that they are carried out4 ,palm leaves tied with ribbon or chiffon1 spray bouquets of white flowers tied with ribbon1 an ivy wreath broken with a bunch of purple everlasting1 are much preferred to crape upon the door4 ,press notices of the funeral and death should be sent to the newspapers4 ,the conduct of the funeral should be arranged with the clergyman chosen to officiate1 the superintendent of the cemetery consulted 7usually through the undertaker71 and the notes of request sent to those chosen to act as pallbearers4 ,sometimes the latter are purely honorary1 the undertaker furnishing the bearers4 ,the honor is usually given to intimate family friends1 or close business associates in case of a business man4 ,a carriage is always provided for the clergyman1 and he is entitled to a fee1 although clergymen do not charge it1 either at a home or church funeral4 ,if the service is held at a church1 the sexton1 organist and singers1--and the singers at a home funeral as well1--are entitled to recompense for their services4 ,carriages are sent for the pallbearers1 and are also provided to convey the family1 and as many of the friends as may be invited to go1 to the cemetery4 ,one may announce in the newspaper ,burial private1 in which case it is understood that only the family attend at the grave2 or ,no flowers if the family wish the usual sending of flowers dispensed with4 ,the clergyman usually consults the wishes of the family as to the form of service1 the hymns or music1 and remarks4 ,the funeral service should be brief1 and preferably a ritual service with no sermon or eulogy4 ,the last are usually harrowing to the feelings of the mourners1 and there should be every reasonable effort made to relieve the tension of the occasion1 for the sake of the living4 ,at a church funeral the pallbearers sit in the first pews at the left of the center aisle2 the family in those to the right4 ,at a home funeral it is customary to have the family in some secluded room near the one where the coffin is placed and to have the clergyman stand in the hall between1 or at the entrance of the drawing-room1 where he may be readily heard by all4 ,if the service at the grave immediately follows the funeral the house should meanwhile be aired1 the shades lifted1 the flowers all sent away to some hospital1 and the rooms arranged in the usual way4 ,before a funeral at the home1 it is necessary for some member of the family to receive the relatives from the distance1 and the very intimate friends1 and see that they are given necessary refreshment1 and their return to trains1 if they must leave immediately after the funeral1 thoroughly understood by the hackmen4 ,at a home funeral the singers should be somewhat distant from the family1 so that the music is not loud4 ,the members of the family are dressed in hats and veils ready to enter the carriages1 before the service4 ,they pass to view the body1--if1 according to a former custom1 the casket is left open1--last of all1 and enter the last carriage before that of the pallbearers1 which immediately precedes the hearse4 ,in sending flowers to a funeral1 one's card is enclosed4 ,there should be no slightest sense of obligation in the sending of flowers1 and each piece should represent only real sympathy or respect4 ,the putting on of black garments as a sign that one has lost a near relative has been much modified by the good sense of the people1 and the period of mourning shortened1 especially in ,england4 ,in stating the accepted mourning custom1 the moderate observance of it has been given1 both extremes being ignored4 ,crape is the quality of goods most closely allied with mourning4 ,black dresses trimmed with black crape are usually worn for the first few months by women who have lost a near relative4 ,the black veil worn by widows is now of moderate length1 and usually not of the very thick material which was once in vogue4 ,a ruche of white is now placed just inside the bonnet1 which relieves the black effect somewhat4 ,black furs and sealskins are worn with mourning4 ,the ,english fashion of six months of the deepest mourning and six months of secondary is meeting with more and more approval in this country1 although for a close relative a year is the first period and six months the second4 ,one who is in mourning does not appear in society for the first six months2 after that it is permissible to attend a concert or musical1 but not the theater or a reception while severe mourning is worn4 ,during the mourning period1 black-bordered stationery is used4 ,the border on paper and envelopes is usually three-eighths of an inch for a close relative and half that for a more distant one1 or during the secondary period of mourning1 if one cares to make the change4 ,the personal visiting card has a black border during this time4 ,the handkerchief is bordered with narrow black1 or is of narrow-bordered1 plain1 sheer linen4 ,for relatives-in-law it is not customary to put on black1 although for a father- or mother-in-law it is customary1 in the best society1 to dress nearly as for an own father or mother4 ,a widower wears a complete suit of black1 white linen1 dull-black silk neckties1 dull-black leather shoes1 black gloves1 and a black ribbon of broader width upon his hat4 ,the mourning band sewed upon the coat sleeve is a discredited form of mourning4 ,it does not denote the nearness of the loss1 and has only the virtue of cheapness for those who cannot afford to show marked respect to the dead4 ,men do not observe the custom of withdrawing from society for as long a time as do the women1 but usually reappear at the homes of intimate friends1 at public places of entertainment1 and at the club after two or three months4 ,as long as the mourning band is worn upon the hat1 however1 no man should attend large and fashionable functions1 as dinner or dancing parties1 or the theater4 ,after six months a woman may resume calling1 returning the calls of those who called upon her in the early weeks of her bereavement4 ,children of fifteen years of age and under should not wear mourning4 ,the viewing of the body of the deceased as it lies in the casket is the privilege of only the family and the immediate friends1 and should not be requested by others4 ,therefore1 the casket is now usually closed before the funeral service1 especially if that be at a church4 ,in case of a man in public office1 it is sometimes necessary that the body should lie in state for certain hours1 when the public may pay their respects4 ,punctuality is very necessary in regard to everything connected with a funeral service1 as the overwrought nerves of those who are sorrowing should not be taxed to bear any extra tension4 ,within ten days after the funeral1 a card of thanks for sympathy should be sent to all who have called upon the family or sent flowers or offered their services in any way4 ,when one is in mourning1 one does not attend a wedding reception1 though one may be present at the ceremony4 ,black should not be worn4 ,mourners announce their return to society by sending out their cards to friends and acquaintances4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,military1 ,,naval1 ,,and ,,flag ,,etiquette ,,the social usage in respect to military or naval officers follows ordinarily the customs of formal occasions or occasions of state in civilian life1 or is provided for in the instructions of the army and the navy1 which the members of those two departments of the service would alone be expected to know4 ,there are1 however1 one or two occasions where the etiquette of social life is1 or may be1 modified by the formalities due to these representatives of the ,government4 ,the ,formal ,military ,wedding ,the church or formal home wedding where the bridegroom and his attendants are all army men1 may have the distinctive feature of the arch of swords or bayonets4 ,the bridegroom and the ushers1 in that case1 are all in full dress uniform4 ,the bride and bridesmaids are dressed daintily and fluffily to afford contrast4 ,the church should be decorated with palms and lilies1 and with the national and the regimental flags in the chancel4 ,as the organist begins the wedding-march1 two color-bearers of the regiment1 carrying one the national flag and the other the regimental colors1 precede the bridegroom and the best man from the vestry4 ,the latter take their usual places1 and the color-bearers move to a position at either side of the chancel steps4 ,after the ceremony1 they move to the head of the aisle1 and the ushers form a line to the foot of the chancel steps4 ,the ushers then put on their caps1 unsheathe their swords1 or raise their bayonets1 and form an arch with them4 ,under this arch pass the bride and bridegroom1 and the bridesmaids4 ,then1 sheathing their swords and removing their caps1 the ushers fall into line at the end of the procession4 ,naval and ,yachting ,usage ,when one is the guest of the owners or the officers of a yacht1 or of the officers of a government warship or other large vessel1 it is well to know that in the lading of the gig for reaching and leaving the ship1 the order of precedence is always as follows3 ,juniors in rank or official importance enter the gig first1 and the one highest in rank immediately precedes the ,captain1 who is always the last to embark and the first to disembark4 ,in leaving the gig1 the order is reversed from that on entering it1 the junior in rank thus being the last to leave the boat4 ,the ,etiquette of the ,flag ,the flag is displayed every day only on government buildings and schoolhouses4 ,on state holidays1 and like commemorative days when it is customary for the flag to be displayed on private buildings1 it should be raised at sunrise and lowered at sunset4 ,it should not be displayed on stormy days1 nor left out over night4 ,it should never be allowed to touch the ground4 ,when it is to be displayed at half-mast only1 it should be raised to the tip of the staff and then lowered halfway4 ,it should never be festooned or draped1 but always be hung flat4 ,on ,memorial ,day1 ,may #cj1 the flag should be displayed at half-mast until twelve o'clock noon1 and then raised to the top of the staff until sunset4 ,the salute for the changing of the position of the flag at all army posts and stations having artillery1 is as follows3 immediately before noon1 the band plays some appropriate air1 and at the stroke of twelve the national salute of twenty-one guns is fired4 ,after this the flag is hoisted to the peak of the staff1 while everybody stands at attention1 with hand raised to the forehead ready for the salute4 ,when the colors reach the top1 the salute is given1 and the band plays patriotic airs4 ,the salute to the flag is used at its formal raising1 and when it passes on parade or in review4 ,the hand salute according to the regulations of the ,united ,states ,army is as follows3 ,standing at attention1 raise the right hand to the forehead over the right eye1 palm downward1 fingers extended and close together1 arm at an angle of forty-five degrees4 ,move hand outward about a foot1 with a quick motion then drop to the side4 ,when the colors are passing on parade or in review1 the spectator should1 if walking1 halt1 if sitting1 arise1 and stand at attention and uncover4 ,in schools two forms of salute are taught4 ,the first1 for primary children1 is3 ,we give our heads and our hearts to ,god and our country2 one country1 one land1 one flag4 ,the second1 for all other pupils1 is3 ,i pledge allegiance to my flag and to the ,republic for which it stands3 one nation indivisible1 with liberty and justice for all4 ,when the flag is carried on parade1 it is dipped in salute to the official who is reviewing the parade4 ,whenever the flag is displayed with other flags1--whether the colors of a regiment or other military organization1 or of alien nations1--it should be placed1 or carried1 or crossed1 at the right of the other flag or flags4 ,when portrayed in illustrations by any process or for any purpose1 it is so pictured that the staff will always be at the left and the fabric will float to the right4 ,the chief regulations governing the composition of the flag are as follows3 ,in the field of the flag there should be thirteen horizontal stripes1 alternating red and white1 the first and the last stripes red4 ,these stripes represent the thirteen original colonies4 ,the colors red and white were chosen by ,george ,washington1 the red from the flag of ,england1 the ,mother ,country1 broken by the white1 symbolizing liberty1 to show the separation4 ,the union of the flag--white stars on a field of blue--should be seven stripes high1 and about seven-tenths of the height of the flag in length4 ,the stars should have five points1 with one point directly upward4,a ,the stars symbolize the ,states4 ,by an act of ,congress on ,october #bf1 #aiab1 the flag now has forty-eight stars1 arranged in six horizontal rows of eight each4 ,,the ,,end ,,footnote3 ,a ,turkington1 ,my ,country3 ,chapter ,,xxiii1 ,our ,flag4 ,,index ,abbreviations1 #ii1 #aac1 #aae ,absent-mindedness1 #abe ,acceptances1 #aab ,accidents at table1 #aed ,accounts for children1 #bai1 #bbj ,acknowledgment of wedding gifts1 #baa ,addresses on cards1 #ajj2 on envelopes1 #fj-ff1 #aah2 on invitations1 #aad1 #aah ,addressing3 ,the ,president of the ,united ,states1 #fb1 #fc2 ,vice ,president1 #fc2 ,members of the ,cabinet1 #fd2 ,ambassadors1 #fc1 #fd2 ,governors1 #fc2 ,mayors1 #fc2 ,the ,king of ,england1 #fd2 ,dukes1 #fe2 ,the ,pope1 #fe2 ,bishops and ,archbishops1 #fe1 #ff2 strangers1 #ff1 #fg2 married women1 #fg ,addressing wedding invitations1 #aah ,after-dinner speeches1 #aff ,afternoon tea1 #ade ,afternoon teas for the engaged girl1 #ahj ,allowances for children1 #bai1 #bbj ,amusement1 places of1 #abb-abd1 #agj ,anger1 #h ,anniversaries1 #dj ,announcement of engagement1 #agi-aha2 by newspaper notice1 #agi2 by personal note1 #gd ,announcements3 engagement1 #gd1 #agi-aha2 birth1 #ajd1 #aje2 death1 #bbd1 #bbe2 marriage1 #aaf2 postponements1 #aai1 #abj ,answering ,letters1 #gf ,apology1 #bi1 #ca ,appearance1 personal1 #f1 #aj ,applauding1 #abd ,art of ,being a ,guest1 ,the1 #acg-add ,at ,home days1 #ade1 #adf ,at ,home invitations of bridal couple1 #aaf1 #aag ,attitude toward strangers1 #acb1 #acc1 #ace ,balls1 #aab ,bal ,poudre invitations1 #aab ,beauty1 #aj1 #ae ,begging pardon1 #bi1 #hb1 #acj ,behavior in church1 #abd1 #abe2 public1 #abb-acf ,best man1 duties of1 #h1 #aif-aii1 #bja1 #bje1 #bjh ,birth announcements1 #ajd1 #aje ,birthday anniversaries1 #da ,blank invitation1 the1 #aji1 #aaj ,bow1 the1 manner of1 #gh1 #gi2 significance of1 #hj-hb ,breakfasts1 #adh1 #adi2 dress at1 #ab1 #cf2 menu of1 #adh2 wedding1 #bjd-bjg ,bridal party3 at rehearsal1 #aia2 at showers and dinners1 #aha-ahc2 at church1 #aib ,bridal procession1 formation of1 #aif1 #bjb1 #bjc2 at a church wedding1 #aig1 #aii2 at a home wedding1 #bjb ,bridal ,showers1 #aha-ahc ,bridal veil1 #aij ,bridegroom's duties at ceremony1 #aif-aii2 preparation of a home1 #ahe2 share of expense of wedding1 #ahf2 wedding outfit1 #ahf1 #ahg ,bridesmaid1 duties of a1 #h1 #aif-bjj ,business acquaintances1 #abi ,business cards1 #ajj ,business1 etiquette of1 #hc1 #abi ,business introductions by correspondence1 #gj ,business letters1 #ed1 #ee1 #fj ,business meetings1 #abc ,business training of a wife1 #bc ,business women1 social life of1 #aga1 #agb ,cake3 wedding1 #bjf2 bridal1 #bjg ,calling upon one person1 #ic2 a guest1 #ic ,calls3 after entertainment1 #ij1 #ach2 by men1 #ib2 first1 #id1 #ie2 formal1 #ij2 friendly1 #ij1 #ic2 obligations of1 #ia1 #ach2 upon brides1 #id2 clergymen1 #id2 government officials in ,washington1 #id2 newcomers1 #id2 people of note1 #id2 return of1 #ij1 #ie2 time of1 #ij ,candles1 use of1 #aea ,card1 ,the ,personal1 #if-aje2 form of1 #if1 #aje2 form of name on1 #ig1 #ih2 inscription of1 #ig-ajj2 titles on1 #ig1 #ajj1 #aja2 use of1 #ajb-aje2 after change of residence1 #ajc2 announcing a birth1 #ajd1 #aje2 announcing a departure1 #ajd2 leaving1 #ij1 #ia1 #ajc2 of sympathy1 #ajd2 of congratulation1 #ajd2 presenting at calls1 #ia1 #ie1 #ajb2 when visiting or traveling1 #ajc1 #aca ,cards1 ,place1 #aeb ,carriages for wedding1 #aic1 #aif2 for funeral1 #bbf ,casual ,meetings1 #gh-ij ,chaperon1 ,duties of the1 #afi-agc2 necessity of1 #afi2 in public1 #afi1 #agj2 at calls1 #agj1 #agb2 with the engaged couple1 #agc2 for the dbutante1 #agb2 relations with one's1 #agb1 #agc2 at a dancing party1 #aci1 #adg ,character1 #g ,children1 ,etiquette for1 #bad-bbc2 and mourning1 #bbb2 and servants1 #bad1 #bbc2 and visitors1 #bba1 #bbb2 at the dining table1 #bag2 in church1 #bbj ,church1 attendance1 #adc2 behavior in1 #abd1 #abe2 of children1 #bbj ,church weddings1 public1 #aid1 #bac2 private1 #bac2 invitations1 #aad-aai ,cleanliness1 #ad ,club dinners or receptions1 #afe1 #aff ,club invitations1 #aaa ,club officers1 #afe ,conclusions of letters1 #ff1 #gj ,coffee1 service of1 #aed ,condolence1 letters of1 #ge1 #gf2 acknowledgment1 #gf1 #abj ,congratulations1 #gf ,conformity to custom1 #bjc ,congresses1 guests at1 #afg ,consideration on the part of a guest1 #ada-adc ,convalescence1 #de ,conversation1 #af1 #dh-eb2 at table1 #ce1 #df ,correspondence1 #eb-ee ,correspondence cards1 #ef ,country1 entertainment in the1 #afa-afd2 parties1 #add1 #afd ,country wedding1 #aag1 #bab1 #bac ,courses at formal dinner1 #aeg1 #aeh ,courtesy1 #b1 #c1 #d1 #e1 #ah1 #ai1 #bj2 to servants1 #de1 #df1 #dg1 #add2 to nurse and doctor1 #de2 to invalids1 #dd ,cutlery1 arrangement of1 #aeb ,dancing ,parties1 #ach1 #aci1 #adj2 invitations1 #aji-aaa ,daylight1 use of1 #adi ,deaf persons1 #cb ,debate1 #ej1 #ea ,dbutante and the chaperon1 #afi1 #agb ,decorations for wedding1 #aib ,deference to elders1 #bad ,dessert1 service of1 #aed1 #aeh ,dinners1 #adi-aeh2 announcement of1 #aee2 choice of guests1 #aej2 conversation at1 #di1 #aej2 formal1 #acg1 #adi2 invitations to1 #aji1 #aej2 lighting of1 #aea2 menu of1 #aeg1 #aeh2 place cards for1 #aeb2 retiring from1 #aef2 seating guests at1 #aea1 #aee1 #aef2 service of1 #aeb1 #aec2 table-setting for1 #aea1 #aeb ,discipline1 #df1 #dg ,dress1 #aa1 #cf1 #aab1 #abh1 #acd1 #adj1 #ahf-aij ,dress for men3 afternoon1 #ac1 #id2 early breakfast1 #ac2 formal breakfast1 #ac2 evening1 #ad1 #aef2 at weddings1 #ad1 #ahf ,dress for women3 at home1 #af2 ball1 #ac2 church1 #ab1 #ahi2 dinner1 #ab1 #ac1 #aej1 #aee1 #ahi2 formal breakfast1 #ab2 house party1 #adj2 luncheon1 #ab2 mourning1 #ac2 traveling1 #acj1 #ada2 visiting1 #adj2 wedding1 #ahg-ahi2 as business woman1 #ae2 as hostess1 #ac2 as housewife1 #af2 as milliner1 #ae ,driving1 #abg1 #abh ,duties of ,host and ,hostess1 #ade-afh ,emerson1 iv ,engaged couple1 the3 at a dancing party1 #aci2 at home1 #agg2 duties to friends1 #agh2 in society1 #agg-agi2 meeting each other's friends1 #agh1 #agi ,engagement announcements1 #agi-aha ,engagement1 ,the ,broken1 #ahc-ahe2 announcement of1 #ahc1 #ahd2 explanation of1 #ahd ,engagements3 punctuality1 #ag1 #cb2 punctiliousness in keeping1 #ag ,english customs of entertainment1 #aeh1 #aei ,engraved ,invitation1 ,the1 #aje-aba2 stock of1 #aje1 #ajf2 type of1 #ajf1 #ajg1 #ajh2 size of1 #aje1 #ajf ,entering a room1 #bg ,entertainment1 assisting in1 #abc1 #abd2 ,english customs of1 #aei2 for guests1 #adb1 #afb2 in the country1 #afc ,entertainment committees1 duties of1 #aff ,envelopes1 #aah2 addressing1 #ei1 #fj1 #fa1 #aad1 #aah2 sealing1 #ei2 stamping1 #ei ,ethics1 #a ,etiquette1 an art1 #b2 the end of1 iii2 the need of1 iii1 #b2 ,the ,rewards of1 #a-e ,etiquette of ,mourning1 #bbd-bcj ,etiquette of the ,marriage ,engagement1 ,the1 #agd-aic ,family ,etiquette1 #bj-dg ,faults among women1 #ah ,fees1 #add ,festivities1 rural1 #afd ,finger bowls1 #cg ,first ,calls1 #id1 #ie ,five o'clock tea1 #ade ,forms of wedding invitations1 #aad1 #aae2 announcements1 #aae1 #aaf2 reception cards1 #aaf1 #aag2 bridal ,at ,home cards1 #aaf1 #aag2 personal cards1 #if-aje2 dinner invitations1 #aji2 reception1 #aag2 ,at ,home1 #aaf1 #aag1 #abj2 party1 #aji2 ,new ,year1 #aba ,forms of announcements of postponement1 #aai1 #abj2 gratitude for sympathy1 #abj ,friends1 #ba1 #db-dd ,general ,rules of ,conduct1 #bf-cc ,gifts1 #dj1 #da1 #db2 engagement1 #aha1 #ahe2 for showers1 #aha-ahc2 of bridegroom to bride1 #ahf2 of bridegroom to ushers and bridesmaids1 #ahf2 to servants1 #add2 wedding1 #baj-bac ,giving away the bride1 #aih ,gloves1 #adi1 #aea ,golden ,rule1 #b ,good-night formalities1 #bh2 at a reception1 #ach2 dancing party1 #adj2 dinner1 #aef ,graduations1 #afg1 #afh ,greeting guests at a luncheon1 #adi2 dinner1 #aef2 reception1 #adg ,greetings1 #bh1 #gh-hc ,guest chamber1 #afj1 #afa ,guest1 the art of being a1 #acg-add1 #afg ,guest3 at afternoon tea1 #acg1 #ach2 a congress1 etc41 #aff1 #afg2 country house1 #aei2 dancing party1 #ach2 reception1 #ach2 wedding1 #aie1 #aif1 #bja ,guests1 tardiness of1 #aee ,handshaking1 #hj1 #hb1 #hf1 #hg ,handwriting1 #eh ,haughtiness1 #aa ,home1 founding the1 #bj-bf ,home wedding1 the1 #bja-bjc2 invitations1 #aae ,horseback riding1 #abh1 #abi ,hospitality1 #ade1 #afe-afh ,hotel etiquette1 #abf1 #abg1 #acc-acf2 dining-room civility1 #ace-acf2 dress in1 #acd ,house parties1 #aeh1 #aei2 sports at1 #afc ,household management1 #bb ,host1 duties of1 #acg1 #aff-afh ,hostess1 duties of1 #abg1 #acg ,illness1 #dd1 #de ,impartiality1 #cj ,informality in entertaining1 #afd ,ink1 #eh ,inscriptions on cards1 #ig-ajj ,interruptions1 #ag1 #di ,introduction1 letters of1 #gj-gb2 advisability of1 for business1 #gj2 socially1 #gj1 #ga2 presentation of1 #gb2 obligations of1 #gb ,introductions1 #hd-hi1 #adh2 at chance meetings1 #hg2 at a dancing party1 #hg1 #hi1 #ach1 #aci2 at a dinner1 #hi1 #adi2 by a guest1 #hf2 by a hostess1 #hf1 #ij2 discrimination in1 #he2 form of1 #hd2 of a gentleman to a lady1 #hd1 #hf1 #hh2 responses to1 #hd2 responsibility for1 #hh2 to one's relatives1 #hh ,invitations 7,see ,engraved ,invitation1 ,the72 for dinner and dance1 #aaa2 entertainment at club1 #aaa2 formal1 #aje-aba2 informal1 #gd1 #aab2 of widower1 #aaa1 #aac2 bachelor1 #aaa1 #aac2 widower with daughters1 #aaa2 to call1 #ic2 to ,bal ,poudre1 #aab2 dancing or other parties1 #aji2 dinners1 #aji2 luncheons1 #ajh2 receptions1 #aag1 #abj1 #aba2 showers1 #ahb2 visits1 #aeh2 weddings1 #aad-aag2 to meet a guest1 #abj1 #adf2 to meet a son1 #aac2 to mourners1 #aad ,invitations1 written1 #aaj1 #aab2 acceptances of1 #aab2 replies to1 #aac ,jewelry1 #ab ,kant1 #b ,letter writing1 #eb2 discretion in1 #eb1 #ec ,letters3 ,conclusion of1 #ff2 of classic literature1 #ec2 of condolence1 #ge1 #gf2 of ,introduction1 #gj-gb2 of recommendation1 #gc2 opening those of others1 #bd2 opening1 in company1 #bi2 ,salutation of1 #ff-fh2 ,signature of1 #ff-fi2 to servants1 #gd2 to strangers1 #gd2 giving orders1 #gd ,letter-heads1 #ef1 #eg ,lifting the hat1 #gh1 #ha1 #hb1 #hc ,linen1 for dinner1 #aea2 trousseau1 #ahi1 #aij ,luncheon1 #adh1 #adi2 menu of1 #adh2 dress at1 #ab ,maid of honor1 duties of1 #aig1 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#g1 #af ,speeches1 after-dinner1 #aff2 at wedding breakfast1 #bjf ,stamping ,envelopes1 #ei ,stationery for mourning1 #eg1 #bbh ,stock of invitations1 #aje1 #ajf ,strangers1 addressing1 #ff1 #fg2 attitude toward1 #abb1 #abd1 #acj-acb1 #ace ,street etiquette1 #abi1 #acb1 #acc ,sympathy cards1 #abj ,table etiquette1 #cc-dj2 for children1 #bag ,third-person letters1 #gd ,time of wedding1 #aid ,tips1 #add ,titles on cards1 #ig1 #ajj1 #aja ,training of servants1 #df ,traveling1 #acj1 #aca2 dress1 #acj2 expense1 #aca ,trousseau1 #ahg-aij ,type of invitations1 #ajj-ajh ,unselfishness1 #i ,use of cards1 #ajb-ajf ,ushers1 at wedding1 duties of1 #aie-aih1 #bja ,visits1 #aeh-afe2 being entertained1 #adb1 #afb1 #afd2 dress1 #adj2 entertainment1 #aeh1 #aei1 #afc1 #afd2 length1 #aeh2 prolonging1 #adb ,wardrobe of bride1 #ahg-ahi2 of bridegroom1 #ahf ,wedding1 anniversaries1 #dj1 #da2 breakfast1 #bjd-bjf2 cake1 #bjf1 #bjg2 fee1 #bjh-baj2 invitations1 #aad-aai2 journey1 #bjh2 preparation for1 #ahe-aic2 presents1 #baj-bab2 reception1 #bje1 #bjg2 ring1 #aia2 suit for bridegroom1 #ahf1 #ahg2 wardrobe of bride1 #ahg-ahi ,whispering1 #bi1 #abc ,withdrawal from society during mourning1 #bbd1 #bbg1 #bbh ,writing on cards1 #ii 99 99 99 99 99 ,transcriber's ,notes3 ,obvious punctuation errors repaired4 ,this text uses both out-door and outdoor4 ,this was retained4 ,page viii1 ,person changed to person 7,third-person ,correspondence7 ,page #eg1 ,letter changed to letter 7,dead-,letter ,office7