,,autobiography  ,,of  ,,madame ,,guyon 
,,in ,,two ,,parts    ,,moody ,,press   
,,chicago   ,printed in the ,united     
,states of ,america     ,,introduction  
,in the history of the world few persons
 have attained that high degree of      
spirituality reached by ,madame ,guyon4 
,born in a corrupt age1 in a nation     
marked for its degeneracy2 nursed and   
reared in a church1 as profligate as the
 world in which it was embedded2        
persecuted at every step of her career2 
groping as she did in spiritual         
desolation and ignorance1 nevertheless1 
she arose to the highest pinnacle of    
pre-eminence in spirituality and        
,christian devotion4  ,she lived and    
died in the ,catholic ,church2 yet was  
tormented and afflicted2 was maltreated 
and abused2 and was imprisoned for years
 by the highest authorities of that     
church4  ,her sole crime was that of    
loving ,god4 ,the ground of her offense 
was found in her supreme devotion and   
unmeasured attachment to ,christ4 ,when 

they demanded her money and estate1 she 
gladly surrendered them1 even to her    
impoverishment1 but it availed nothing4 
,the crime of loving ,him in whom her   
whole being was absorbed1 never could be
 mitigated1 or forgiven4  ,she loved    
only to do good to her fellow-creatures1
 and to such an extent was she filled   
with the ,holy ,ghost1 and with the     
power of ,god1 that she wrought wonders 
in her day1 and has not ceased to       
influence the ages that have followed4  
,viewed from a human standpoint1 it is a
 sublime spectacle1 to see a solitary   
woman subvert all the machinations of   
kings and courtiers2 laugh to scorn all 
the malignant enginery of the papal     
inquisition1 and silence1 and confound  
the pretensions of the most learned     
divines4 ,she not only saw more clearly 
the sublimest truths of our most holy   
,christianity1 but she basked in the    
clearest and most beautiful sunlight    
while they groped in darkness4 ,she     
grasped with ease the deepest and       

sublimest truths of holy ,writ1 while   
they were lost in the mazes of their own
 profound ignorance4  ,one distinguished
 divine was delighted to sit at her     
feet4 ,at first he heard her with       
distrust2 then with admiration4 ,finally
 he opened his heart to the truth1 and  
stretched forth his hand to be led by   
this saint of ,god into the ,holy of    
,holies where she dwelt4 ,we allude to  
the distinguished ,archbishop ,fenelon1 
whose sweet spirit and charming writings
 have been a blessing to every          
generation following him4  ,we offer no 
word of apology for publishing in the   
,autobiography of ,madame ,guyon1 those 
expressions of devotion to her church1  
that found vent in her writings4 ,she   
was a true ,catholic when protestantism 
was in its infancy4  ,there can be no   
doubt that ,god1 by a special           
interposition of ,his ,providence1      
caused her to commit her life so        
minutely to writing4 ,the duty was      
enjoined upon her by her spiritual      

director1 whom the rules of her church  
made it obligatory upon her to obey4 ,it
 was written while she was incarcerated 
in the cell of a lonely prison4 ,the    
same all-wise ,providence preserved it  
from destruction4 ,we have not a shadow 
of doubt that it is destined to         
accomplish tenfold more in the future   
than it has accomplished in the past4   
,indeed1 the ,christian world is only   
beginning to understand and appreciate  
it1 and the hope and prayer of the      
publisher is1 that thousands may1       
through its instrumentality1 be brought 
into the same intimate communion and    
fellowship with ,god1 that was so richly
 enjoyed by ,madame ,guyon4  ,e4 ,j4    
,,contents   ,,part ,,one  ,chapter  #a 
#ac ,chapter  #b                        
#ai ,chapter  #c                        
#be ,chapter  #d                        
#cj ,chapter  #e                        
#ch ,chapter  #f                        
#di ,chapter  #g                        
#fj ,chapter  #h                        

#fh ,chapter  #i                        
#gf ,chapter #aj                        
#gi ,chapter #aa                        
#hd ,chapter #ab                        
#hi ,chapter #ac                        
#ajj ,chapter #ad                       
#ajh ,chapter #ae                       
#aac ,chapter #af                       
#aba ,chapter #ag                       
#abh ,chapter #ah                       
#acd ,chapter #ai                       
#adj ,chapter #bj                       
#adh ,chapter #ba                       
#aef ,chapter #bb                       
#afj ,chapter #bc                       
#afg ,chapter #bd                       
#agc ,chapter #be                       
#agh ,chapter #bf                       
#ahe ,chapter #bg                       
#aia ,chapter #bh                       
#aig ,chapter #bi                       
#bje   ,,part ,,two  ,chapter  #a       
#bai ,chapter  #b                       
#bbe ,chapter  #c                       
#bca ,chapter  #d                       

#bcf ,chapter  #e                       
#bdb ,chapter  #f                       
#bdh ,chapter  #g                       
#bee ,chapter  #h                       
#bfa ,chapter  #i                       
#bff ,chapter #aj                       
#bgb ,chapter #aa                       
#bgg ,chapter #ab                       
#bhb ,chapter #ac                       
#bic ,chapter #ad                       
#cjb ,chapter #ae                       
#cji ,chapter #af                       
#caf ,chapter #ag                       
#cbf ,chapter #ah                       
#cdc ,chapter #ai                       
#cec ,chapter #bj                       
#cfd ,chapter #ba                       
#cgd     ,,madame ,,guyon   ,,part ,,one
     ,,chapter #a   ,there were         
omissions of importance in the former   
narration of my life4 ,i willingly      
comply with your desire1 in giving you a
 more circumstantial relation2 though   
the labor seems rather painful1 as ,i   
cannot use much study or reflection4 ,my

 earnest wish is to paint in true colors
 the goodness of ,god to me1 and the    
depth of my own ingratitude--but it is  
impossible1 as numberless little        
circumstances have escaped my memory4   
,you are also unwilling ,i should give  
you a minute account of my sins4 ,i     
shall1 however1 try to leave out as few 
faults as possible4 ,i depend on you to 
destroy it1 when your soul hath drawn   
those spiritual advantages which ,god   
intended1 and for which purpose ,i am   
willing to sacrifice all things4 ,i am  
fully persuaded of ,his designs toward  
you1 as well for the sanctification of  
others1 as for your own sanctification4 
,let me assure you1 this is not         
attained1 save through pain1 weariness  
and labor2 and it will be reached by a  
path that will wonderfully disappoint   
your expectations4 ,nevertheless1 if you
 are fully convinced that it is on the  
nothing in man that ,god establishes his
 greatest works1--you will be in part   
guarded against disappointment or       

surprise4 ,he destroys that he might    
build2 for when ,he is about to rear    
,his sacred temple in us1 ,he first     
totally razes that vain and pompous     
edifice1 which human art and power had  
erected1 and from its horrible ruins a  
new structure is formed1 by ,his power  
only4  ,oh1 that you could comprehend   
the depth of this mystery1 and learn the
 secrets of the conduct of ,god1        
revealed to babes1 but hid from the wise
 and great of this world1 who think     
themselves the ,lord's counselor's1 and 
capable of investigating ,his           
procedures1 and suppose they have       
attained that divine wisdom hidden from 
the eyes of all who live in self1 and   
are enveloped in their own works4 ,who  
by a lively genius and elevated         
faculties mount up to ,heaven1 and think
 to comprehend the height and depth and 
length and breadth of ,god4  ,this      
divine wisdom is unknown1 even to those 
who pass in the world for persons of    
extraordinary illumination and          

knowledge4 ,to whom then is she known1  
and who can tell us any tidings         
concerning her8 ,destruction and death  
assure us1 that they have heard with    
their ears of her fame and renown4 ,it  
is1 then1 in dying to all things1 and in
 being truly lost to them1 passing      
forward into ,god1 and existing only in 
,him1 that we attain to some knowledge  
of the true wisdom4 ,oh1 how little are 
her ways known1 and her dealings with   
her most chosen servants4 ,scarce do we 
discover anything thereof1 but surprised
 at the dissimilitude betwixt the truth 
we thus discover and our former ideas of
 it1 we cry out with ,st4 ,paul1 ,oh1   
the depth of the knowledge and wisdom of
 ,god6 how unsearchable are his         
judgments1 and his ways past finding    
out4 ,the ,lord judgeth not of things as
 men do1 who call good evil and evil    
good1 and account that as righteousness 
which is abominable in ,his sight1 and  
which according to the prophet ,he      
regards as filthy rags4 ,he will enter  

into strict judgment with these         
self-righteous1 and they shall1 like the
 ,pharisees1 be rather subjects of ,his 
wrath1 than objects of ,his love1 or    
inheritors of ,his rewards4 ,doth not   
,christ ,himself assure us1 that except 
our righteousness exceed that of the    
scribes and pharisees we shall in no    
case enter into the kingdom of heaven4  
,and which of us even approaches them in
 righteousness2 or1 if we live in the   
practice of virtues1 though much        
inferior to theirs1 are we not tenfold  
more ostentatious8 ,who is not pleased  
to behold himself righteous in his own  
eyes1 and in the eyes of others8 or1 who
 is it doubts that such righteousness is
 sufficient to please ,god8 ,yet1 we see
 the indignation of our ,lord manifested
 against such4 ,he who was the perfect  
pattern of tenderness and meekness1 such
 as flowed from the depth of the heart1 
and not that affected meekness1 which   
under the form of a dove1 hides the     
hawk's heart4 ,he appears severe only to

 these self-righteous people1 and ,he   
publicly dishonored them4 ,in what      
strange colors does ,he represent them1 
while ,he beholds the poor sinner with  
mercy1 compassion and love1 and declares
 that for them only ,he was come1 that  
it was the sick who needed the          
physician2 and that ,he came only to    
save the lost sheep of the house of     
,israel4  ,o thou ,source of ,love6     
,thou dost indeed seem so jealous of the
 salvation ,thou hast purchased1 that   
,thou dost prefer the sinner to the     
righteous6 ,the poor sinner beholds     
himself vile and wretched1 is in a      
manner constrained to detest himself2   
and finding his state so horrible1 casts
 himself in his desperation into the    
arms of his ,saviour1 and plunges into  
the healing fountain1 and comes forth   
white as wool4 ,then confounded at the  
review of his disordered state1 and     
overflowing with love for ,him1 who     
having alone the power1 had also the    
compassion to save him--the excess of   

his love is proportioned to the enormity
 of his crimes1 and the fullness of his 
gratitude to the extent of the debt     
remitted4 ,the self-righteous1 relying  
on the many good works he imagines he   
has performed1 seems to hold salvation  
in his own hand1 and considers ,heaven  
as a just reward of his merits4 ,in the 
bitterness of his zeal he exclaims      
against all sinners1 and represents the 
gates of mercy as barred against them1  
and ,heaven as a place to which they    
have no claim4 ,what need have such     
self-righteous persons of a ,saviour8   
they are already burdened with the load 
of their own merits4 ,oh1 how long they 
bear the flattering load1 while sinners 
divested of everything1 fly rapidly on  
the wings of faith and love into their  
,saviour's arms1 who freely bestows on  
them that which he has so freely        
promised6  ,how full of self-love are   
the self-righteous1 and how void of the 
love of ,god6 ,they esteem and admire   
themselves in their works of            

righteousness1 which they suppose to be 
a fountain of happiness4 ,these works   
are no sooner exposed to the ,sun of    
,righteousness1 than they discover all  
to be so full of impurity and baseness1 
that it frets them to the heart4        
,meanwhile the poor sinner1 ,magdalene1 
is pardoned because she loves much1 and 
her faith and love are accepted as      
righteousness4 ,the inspired ,paul1 who 
so well understood these great truths   
and so fully investigated them1 assures 
us that the faith of ,abraham was       
imputed to him for righteousness4 ,this 
is truly beautiful for it is certain    
that all of that holy patriarch's       
actions were strictly righteous2 yet1   
not seeing them as such1 and being      
devoid of the love of them1 and divested
 of selfishness1 his faith was founded  
on the coming ,christ4 ,he hoped in ,him
 even against hope itself1 and this was 
imputed to him for righteousness1 7,rom4
 #da3 #ah1 #bb17 a pure1 simple and     
genuine righteousness1 wrought by       

,christ1 and not a righteousness wrought
 by himself1 and regarded as of himself4
  ,you may imagine this a digression    
wide of the subject1 but it leads       
insensibly to it4 ,it shows that ,god   
accomplishes ,his work either in        
converted sinners1 whose past iniquities
 serve as a counterpoise to their       
elevation1 or in persons whose          
self-righteousness ,he destroys1 by     
totally overthrowing the proud building 
they had reared on a sandy foundation1  
instead of the ,rock--,,christ4  ,the   
establishment of all these ends1 which  
,he proposed in coming into the world1  
is effected by the apparent overthrow of
 that very structure which in reality   
,he would erect4 ,by means which seem to
 destroy ,his ,church1 ,he establishes  
it4 ,how strangely does ,he found the   
new dispensation and give it ,his       
sanction6 ,the legislator ,himself is   
condemned by the learned and great1 as a
 malefactor1 and dies an ignominious    
death4 ,oh1 that we fully understood how

 very opposite our self-righteousness is
 to the designs of ,god--it would be a  
subject for endless humiliation1 and we 
should have an utter distrust in that   
which at present constitutes the whole  
of our dependence4  ,from a just love of
 ,his supreme power1 and a righteous    
jealousy of mankind1 who attribute to   
each other the gifts ,he ,himself       
bestows upon them1 it pleased ,him to   
take one of the most unworthy of the    
creation1 to make known the fact that   
,his graces are the effects of ,his     
will1 not the fruits of our merits4 ,it 
is the property of ,his wisdom to       
destroy what is proudly built1 and to   
build what is destroyed2 to make use of 
weak things to confound the mighty and  
to employ in ,his service such as appear
 vile and contemptible4  ,this ,he does 
in a manner so astonishing1 as to render
 them the objects of the scorn and      
contempt of the world4 ,it is not to    
draw public approbation upon them1 that 
,he makes them instrumental in the      

salvation of others2 but to render them 
the objects of their dislike and the    
subjects of their insults2 as you will  
see in this life you have enjoined upon 
me to write4     ,,chapter #b   ,i was  
born on ,april #ah1 #afdh4 ,my parents1 
particularly my father1 was extremely   
pious2 but to him it was a manner       
hereditary4 ,many of his forefathers    
were saints4  ,my mother1 in the eighth 
month1 was accidentally frightened1     
which caused an abortion4 ,it is        
generally imagined that a child born in 
that month cannot survive4 ,indeed1 ,i  
was so excessively ill1 immediately     
after my birth1 that all about me       
despaired of my life1 and were          
apprehensive ,i should die without      
baptism4 ,perceiving some signs of      
vitality1 they ran to acquaint my       
father1 who immediately brought a       
priest2 but on entering the chamber they
 were told those symptoms which had     
raised their hopes were only expiring   
struggles1 and all was over4  ,i had no 

sooner shown signs of life again1 than  
,i again relapsed1 and remained so long 
in an uncertain state1 that it was some 
time before they could find a proper    
opportunity to baptize me4 ,i continued 
very unhealthy until ,i was two and a   
half years old1 when they sent me to the
 convent of the ,ursulines1 where ,i    
remained a few months4  ,on my return1  
my mother neglected to pay due attention
 to my education4 ,she was not fond of  
daughters and abandoned me wholly to the
 care of servants4 ,indeed1 ,i should   
have suffered severely from their       
inattention to me had not an            
all-watchful ,providence been my        
protector3 for through my liveliness1 ,i
 met with various accidents4 ,i         
frequently fell into a deep vault that  
held our firewood2 however1 ,i always   
escaped unhurt4  ,the ,dutchess of      
,montbason came to the convent of the   
,benedictines1 when ,i was about four   
years old4 ,she had a great friendship  
for my father1 and obtained his         

permission that ,i should go to the same
 convent4 ,she took peculiar delight in 
my sportiveness and certain sweetness in
 my external deportment4 ,i became her  
constant companion4  ,i was guilty of   
frequent and dangerous irregularities in
 this house1 and committed serious      
faults4 ,i had good examples before me1 
and being naturally well inclined1 ,i   
followed them1 when there were none to  
turn me aside4 ,i loved to hear ,god    
spoken of1 to be at church1 and to be   
dressed in a religious garb4 ,i was told
 of terrors of ,hell which ,i imagined  
was intended to intimidate me as ,i was 
exceedingly lively1 and full of a little
 petulant vivacity which they called    
wit4 ,the succeeding night ,i dreamed of
 ,hell1 and though ,i was so young1 time
 has never been able to efface the      
frightful ideas impressed upon my       
imagination4 ,all appeared horrible     
darkness1 where souls were punished1 and
 my place among them was pointed out4   
,at this ,i wept bitterly1 and cried1   

,oh1 my ,god1 if ,thou wilt have mercy  
upon me1 and spare me yet a little      
longer1 ,i will never more offend ,thee4
 ,and thou didst1 ,o ,lord1 in mercy    
hearken unto my cry1 and pour upon me   
strength and courage to serve thee1 in  
an uncommon manner for one of my age4 ,i
 wanted to go privately to confession1  
but being little1 the mistress of the   
boarders carried me to the priest1 and  
stayed with me while ,i was heard4 ,she 
was much astonished when ,i mentioned   
that ,i had suggestions against the     
faith1 and the confessor began to laugh1
 and inquire what they were4 ,i told him
 that till then ,i had doubted there was
 such a place as ,hell1 and supposed my 
mistress had spoken of it merely to make
 me good1 but now my doubts were all    
removed4 ,after confession my heart     
glowed with a kind of fervor1 and at one
 time ,i felt a desire to suffer        
martyrdom4 ,the good girls of the house1
 to amuse themselves1 and to see how far
 this growing fervor would carry me1    

desired me to prepare for martyrdom4 ,i 
found great fervency and delight in     
prayer1 and was persuaded that this     
ardor1 which was as new as it was       
pleasing1 was a proof of ,god's love4   
,this inspired me with such courage and 
resolution1 that ,i earnestly besought  
them to proceed1 that ,i might thereby  
enter into ,his sacred presence1 but was
 there not latent hypocrisy here8 ,did  
,i not imagine that it was possible they
 would not kill me1 and that ,i would   
have the merit of martyrdom without     
suffering it8 ,indeed1 it appeared there
 was something of this nature in it4    
,being placed kneeling on a cloth spread
 for the purpose1 and seeing behind me a
 large sword lifted up which they had   
prepared to try how far my ardor would  
carry me ,i cried1 ,hold6 it is not     
right ,i should die without first       
obtaining my father's permission4 ,i was
 quickly upbraided with having said this
 that ,i might escape1 and that ,i was  
no longer a martyr4 ,i continued long   

disconsolate1 and would receive no      
comfort2 something inwardly reproved me1
 for not having embraced that           
opportunity of going to ,heaven1 when it
 rested altogether on my own choice4    
,at my solicitation1 and on account of  
my falling so frequently sick1 ,i was at
 length taken home4 ,on my return1 my   
mother having a maid in whom she placed 
confidence1 left me again to the care of
 servants4 ,it is a great fault1 of     
which mothers are guilty1 when under    
pretext of external devotions1 or other 
engagements1 they suffer their daughters
 to be absent from them4 ,i forbear not 
condemning that unjust partiality with  
which parents treat some of their       
children4 ,it is frequently productive  
of divisions in families1 and even the  
ruin of some4 ,impartiality1 by uniting 
children's hearts together1 lays the    
foundation of lasting harmony and       
unanimity4  ,i would ,i were able to    
convince parents1 and all who have the  
care of youth1 of the great attention   

they require1 and how dangerous it is to
 let them be for any length of time from
 under their eye1 or to suffer them to  
be without some kind of employment4     
,this negligence is the ruin of         
multitudes of girls4  ,how greatly it is
 to be lamented1 that mothers who are   
inclined to piety1 should pervert even  
the means of salvation to their         
destruction--commit the greatest        
irregularities while apparently pursuing
 that which should produce the most     
regular and circumspect conduct4  ,thus1
 because they experience certain gains  
in prayer1 they would be all day long at
 church2 meanwhile their children are   
running to destruction4 ,we glorify ,god
 most when we prevent what may offend   
,him4 ,what must be the nature of that  
sacrifice which is the occasion of sin6 
,god should be served in ,his own way4  
,let the devotion of mothers be         
regulated so as to prevent their        
daughters from straying4 ,treat them as 
sisters1 not as slaves4 ,appear pleased 

with their little amusements4 ,the      
children will delight then in the       
presence of their mothers1 instead of   
avoiding it4 ,if they find so much      
happiness with them1 they will not dream
 of seeking it elsewhere4 ,mothers      
frequently deny their children any      
liberties4 ,like birds constantly       
confined to a cage1 they no sooner find 
means of escape than off they go1 never 
to return4 ,in order to render them tame
 and docile when young1 they should be  
permitted sometimes to take wing1 but as
 their flight is weak1 and closely      
watched1 it is easy to retake them when 
they escape4 ,little flight gives them  
the habit of naturally returning to     
their cage which becomes an agreeable   
confinement4 ,i believe young girls     
should be treated in a manner something 
similar to this4 ,mothers should indulge
 them in an innocent liberty1 but should
 never lose sight of them4  ,to guard   
the tender minds of children from what  
is wrong1 much care should be taken to  

employ them in agreeable and useful     
matters4 ,they should not be loaded with
 food they cannot relish4 ,milk suited  
to babies should be administered to them
 not strong meat which may so disgust   
them1 that when they arrive at an age   
when it would be proper nourishment1    
they will not so much as taste it4      
,every day they should be obliged to    
read a little in some good book1 spend  
some time in prayer1 which must be      
suited rather to stir the affections1   
than for meditation4 ,oh1 were this     
method of education pursued1 how        
speedily would many irregularities      
cease6 ,these daughters becoming        
mothers1 would educate their children as
 they themselves had been educated4     
,parents should also avoid showing the  
smallest partiality in the treatment of 
their children4 ,it begets a secret     
jealousy and hatred among them1 which   
frequently augments with time1 and even 
continues until death4 ,how often do we 
see some children the idols of the      

house1 behaving like absolute tyrants1  
treating their brothers and sisters as  
so many slaves according to the example 
of father and mother4 ,and it happens   
many times1 that the favorite proves a  
scourge to the parents while the poor   
despised and hated one becomes their    
consolation and support4  ,my mother was
 very defective in the education of her 
children4 ,she suffered me whole days   
from her presence in company with the   
servants1 whose conversation and example
 were particularly hurtful to one of my 
disposition4 ,my mother's heart seemed  
wholly centered in my brother4 ,i was   
scarcely ever favored with the smallest 
instance of her tenderness or affection4
 ,i therefore voluntarily absented      
myself from her4 ,it is true1 my brother
 was more amiable than ,i but the excess
 of her fondness for him1 made her blind
 even to my outward good qualities4 ,it 
served only to discover my faults1 which
 would have been trifling had proper    
care been taken of me4     ,,chapter #c 

,my father who loved me tenderly and    
seeing how little my education was      
attended to sent me to a convent of the 
,ursulines4 ,i was near seven years old4
 ,in this house were two half sisters of
 mine1 the one by my father1 the other  
by my mother4 ,my father placed me under
 his daughter's care1 a person of the   
great capacity and most exalted piety1  
excellently qualified for the           
instruction of youth4 ,this was a       
singular dispensation of ,god's         
providence and love toward me1 and      
proved the first means of my salvation4 
,she loved me tenderly1 and her         
affection made her discover in me many  
amiable qualities1 which the ,lord had  
implanted in me4 ,she endeavored to     
improve these good qualities1 and ,i    
believe that had ,i continued in such   
careful hands1 ,i should have acquired  
as many virtuous habits as ,i afterward 
contracted evil ones4  ,this good sister
 employed her time in instructing me in 
piety and in such branches of learning  

as were suitable to my age and capacity4
 ,she had good talents and improved them
 well4 ,she was frequent in prayer and  
her faith was as great as that of most  
persons4 ,she denied herself every other
 pleasure to be with me and to instruct 
me4 ,such was her affection for me that 
it made her find more pleasure with me  
than anywhere else4  ,if ,i made her    
agreeable answers1 though more from     
chance than from judgment1 she thought  
herself well paid for all her labor4    
,under her care ,i soon became mistress 
of most studies suitable for me4 ,many  
grown persons of rank could not have    
answered the questions4  ,as my father  
often sent for me1 desiring to see me at
 home1 ,i found at one time the ,queen  
of ,england there4 ,i was near eight    
years of age4 ,my father told the       
,queen's confessor that if he wanted a  
little amusement he might entertain     
himself with me4 ,he tried me with      
several very difficult questions1 to    
which ,i returned such pertinent answers

 that he carried me to the ,queen1 and  
said1 ,your majesty must have some      
diversion with this child4 ,she also    
tried me and was so well pleased with my
 lively answers1 and my manners1 that   
she demanded me of my father with no    
small importunity4 ,she assured him that
 she would take particular care of me1  
designing me for maid of honor to the   
princess4 ,my father resisted4          
,doubtless it was ,god who caused this  
refusal1 and thereby turned off the     
stroke which might have probably        
intercepted my salvation4 ,being so     
weak1 how could ,i have withstood the   
temptations and distractions of a court8
  ,i went back to the ,ursulines where  
my good sister continued her affection4 
,but as she was not the mistress of the 
boarders1 and ,i was obliged sometimes  
to go along with them1 ,i contracted bad
 habits4 ,i became addicted to lying1   
peevishness and indevotion1 passing     
whole days without thinking on ,god2    
though ,he watched continually over me1 

as the sequel will manifest4 ,i did not 
remain long under the power of such     
habits because my sister's care         
recovered me4 ,i loved much to hear of  
,god1 was not weary of church1 loved to 
pray1 had tenderness for the poor1 and a
 natural dislike for persons whose      
doctrine was judged unsound4 ,god has   
always continued to me this grace1 in my
 greatest infidelities4  ,there was at  
the end of the garden connected with    
this convent1 a little chapel dedicated 
to the child ,jesus4 ,to this ,i betook 
myself for devotion and1 for some time1 
carrying my breakfast thither every     
morning1 ,i hid it all behind this      
image4 ,i was so much a child1 that ,i  
thought ,i made a considerable sacrifice
 in depriving myself of it4 ,delicate in
 my choice of food1 ,i wished to mortify
 myself1 but found self-love still too  
prevalent1 to submit to such            
mortification4 ,when they were cleaning 
out this chapel1 they found behind the  
image what ,i had left there and        

presently guessed that it was ,i4 ,they 
had seen me every day going thither4 ,i 
believe that ,god1 who lets nothing pass
 without a recompense1 soon rewarded me 
with interest for this little infantine 
devotion4  ,i continued some time with  
my sister1 where ,i retained the love   
and fear of ,god4 ,my life was easy2 ,i 
was educated agreeably with her4 ,i     
improved much while ,i had my health1   
but very often ,i was sick1 and seized  
with maladies as sudden as they were    
uncommon4 ,in the evening well2 in the  
morning swelled and full of bluish      
marks1 symptoms of a fever which soon   
followed4 ,at nine years1 ,i was taken  
with so violent a hemorrhage that they  
thought ,i was going to die4 ,i was     
rendered exceedingly weak4  ,a little   
before this severe attack1 my other     
sister became jealous1 wanting to have  
me in turn4 ,though she led a good life1
 yet she had not a talent for the       
education of children4 ,at first she    
caressed me1 but all her caresses made  

no impression upon my heart4 ,my other  
sister did more with a look1 than she   
with either caresses or threatenings4   
,as she saw that ,i loved her not so    
well1 she changed to rigorous treatment4
 ,she would not allow me to speak to my 
other sister4 ,when she knew ,i had     
spoken to her1 she had me whipped1 or   
beat me herself4 ,i could no longer hold
 out against severe usage1 and therefore
 requited with apparent ingratitude all 
the favors of my paternal sister1 going 
no more to see her4 ,but this did not   
hinder her from giving me marks of her  
usual goodness1 in the severe malady    
just mentioned4 ,she kindly construed my
 ingratitude to be rather owing to my   
fear of chastisement1 than to a bad     
heart4 ,indeed1 ,i believe this was the 
only instance in which fear of          
chastisement operated so powerfully upon
 me4 ,from that time ,i suffered more in
 occasioning pain to ,one ,i loved1 than
 in suffering myself at their hand4     
,thou knowest1 ,o my ,beloved1 that it  

was not the dread of ,thy chastisements 
that sunk so deep1 either into my       
understanding or my heart2 it was the   
sorrow for offending ,thee which ever   
constituted the whole of my distress2   
which was so great4 ,i imagine if there 
were neither ,heaven nor ,hell1 ,i      
should always have retained the same    
fear of displeasing ,thee4 ,thou knowest
 that after my faults1 when1 in         
forgiving mercy1 ,thou wert pleased to  
visit my soul1 ,thy caresses were a     
thousand-fold more insupportable than   
,thy rod4  ,my father being informed of 
all that passed1 took me home again4 ,i 
was nearly ten years of age4 ,i stayed  
only a little while at home4 ,a nun of  
the order of ,st4 ,dominie1 of a great  
family1 one of my father's intimate     
friends1 solicited him to place me in   
her convent4 ,she was the prioress and  
promised she would take care of me and  
make me lodge in her room4 ,this lady   
had conceived a great affection for me4 
,she was so taken up with her community1

 in its many troublesome events that she
 was not at liberty to take much care of
 me4 ,i had the chickenpox1 which made  
me keep to my bed three weeks1 in which 
,i had very bad care1 though my father  
and mother thought ,i was under         
excellent care4 ,the ladies of the house
 had such a dread of the smallpox1 as   
they imagined mine to be1 that they     
would not come near me4 ,i passed almost
 all the time without seeing anybody4 ,a
 lay-sister who only brought me my      
allowance of diet at the set hours      
immediately went off again4 ,i          
providentially found a ,bible and having
 both a fondness for reading and a happy
 memory1 ,i spent whole days in reading 
it from morning to night4 ,i learned    
entirely the historical part4 ,yet ,i   
was really very unhappy in this house4  
,the other boarders1 being large girls1 
distressed me with grievous             
persecutions4 ,i was so much neglected1 
as to food1 that ,i became quite        
emaciated4     ,,chapter #d   ,after    

about eight months1 my father took me   
home4 ,my mother kept me more with her1 
beginning to have a higher regard for me
 than before4 ,she still preferred my   
brother2 every one spoke of it4 ,even   
when ,i was sick and there was anything 
,i liked1 he demanded it4 ,it was taken 
from me1 and given to him1 and he was in
 perfectly good health4 ,one day he made
 me mount the top of the coach2 then    
threw me down4 ,by the fall ,i was very 
much bruised4 ,at other times he beat   
me4 ,but whatever he did1 however wrong1
 it was winked at1 or the most favorable
 construction was put upon it4 ,this    
soured my temper4 ,i had little         
disposition to do good1 saying1 ,i was  
never the better for it4  ,it was not   
then for ,thee alone1 ,o ,god1 that ,i  
did good2 since ,i ceased to do it1 when
 it met not with such a reception from  
others as ,i wanted4 ,had ,i known how  
to make a right use of this thy         
crucifying conduct1 ,i should have made 
a good progress4 ,far from turning me   

out of the way1 it would have made me   
turn more wholly to ,thee4  ,i looked   
with jealous eyes on my brother1 seeing 
the difference between him and me4      
,whatever he did was considered well2   
but if there were blame1 it fell on me4 
,my stepsisters by the mother1 gained   
her goodwill by caressing him and       
persecuting me4 ,true1 ,i was bad4 ,i   
relapsed into my former faults of lying 
and peevishness4 ,with all these faults 
,i was very tender and charitable to the
 poor4 ,i prayed to ,god assiduously1   
loved to hear any one speak of ,him and 
to read good books4  ,i doubt not that  
you will be amazed at such a series of  
inconsistencies2 but what succeeds will 
surprise you yet more1 when you see this
 manner of acting gain ground with my   
years4 ,as my reason ripened1 it was so 
far from correcting this irrational     
conduct4 ,sin grew more powerful in me4 
,o my ,god1 thy grace seemed to be      
redoubled in proportion to the increase 
of my ingratitude6 ,it was with me as   

with a city besieged1 ,thou didst       
surround my heart1 and ,i only studied  
how to defend myself against thy        
attacks4 ,i raised fortifications about 
the wretched place1 adding every day to 
the number of my iniquities to prevent  
,thee taking it4 ,when there was an     
appearance of ,thy becoming victorious  
over this ungrateful heart1 ,i raised a 
counter-battery1 and threw up ramparts  
to keep off thy goodness1 and to hinder 
the course of thy grace4 ,none other    
could have conquered than ,thyself4  ,i 
cannot bear to hear it said1 ,we are not
 free to resist grace4 ,i have had too  
long and fatal an experience of my      
liberty4 ,i closed up the avenues of my 
heart1 that ,i might not so much as hear
 that secret voice of ,god1 which was   
calling me to ,himself4 ,i have indeed1 
from tenderest youth1 passed through a  
series of grievances1 either by maladies
 or by persecutions4 ,the girl to whose 
care my mother left me1 in arranging my 
hair used to beat me1 and did not make  

me turn it except with rage and blows4  
,everything seemed to punish me1 but    
this instead of making me turn unto     
,thee1 ,o my ,god1 only served to       
afflict and embitter my mind4  ,my      
father knew nothing of all this2 his    
love to me was such that he would not   
have suffered it4 ,i loved him very     
much1 but at the same time ,i feared    
him1 so that ,i told him nothing of it4 
,my mother was often teasing him with   
complaints of me1 to which he made no   
other reply than1 ,there are twelve     
hours in the day2 she'll grow wiser4    
,this rigorous proceeding was not the   
worst for my soul1 though it soured my  
temper1 which was otherwise mild and    
easy4 ,but what caused my greatest hurt 
was1 that ,i chose to be among those who
 caressed me1 in order to corrupt and   
spoil me4  ,my father1 seeing ,i was now
 grown tall1 placed me in ,lent among   
the ,ursulines1 to receive my first     
communion at ,easter1 at which time ,i  
was to complete my eleventh year4 ,and  

here my most dear sister1 under whose   
inspection my father placed me1         
redoubled her cares1 to cause me to make
 the best preparation possible for this 
act of devotion4 ,i thought now of      
giving myself to ,god in good earnest4  
,i often felt a combat between my good  
inclinations and my bad habits4 ,i even 
did some penances4 ,as ,i was almost    
always with my sister1 and as the       
boarders in her class1 which was the    
first1 were very reasonable and civil4  
,i became such also1 while among them4  
,it had been cruel to educate me badly2 
for my very nature was strongly disposed
 to goodness4 ,easily won with mildness1
 ,i did with pleasure whatever my good  
sister desired4 ,at length ,easter      
arrived2 ,i received the communion with 
much joy and devotion4 ,in this house ,i
 staid until ,whitsuntide4 ,but as my   
other sister was mistress of the second 
class1 she demanded that in her week ,i 
should be with her in that class4 ,her  
manners1 so opposite to the other's1    

made me relax my former piety4 ,i felt  
no more that new and delightful ardor   
which had seized my heart at my first   
communion4 ,alas6 it held but a short   
time4 ,my faults and failings were soon 
reiterated and drew me from the care and
 duties of religion4  ,as ,i now grew   
very tall for my age1 and more to my    
mother's liking than before1 she took   
care to deck and dress me1 to make me   
see company1 and to take me abroad4 ,she
 took an inordinate pride in that beauty
 with which ,god had formed me1 to bless
 and praise ,him4 ,however it was       
perverted by me into a source of pride  
and vanity4 ,several suitors came to me2
 but as ,i was not yet twelve years my  
father would not listen to any          
proposals4 ,i loved reading and shut    
myself up alone every day to read       
without interruption4  ,what proved     
effectual to gain me entirely to ,god1  
at least for a time1 was that a nephew  
of my father's passed by our home on a  
mission to ,cochin ,china4 ,i happened  

at that time to be taking a walk with my
 companions1 which ,i seldom did4 ,at my
 return he was gone4 ,they gave me an   
account of his sanctity1 and the things 
he had said1 ,i was so touched that ,i  
was overcome with sorrow4 ,i cried all  
the rest of the day and night4 ,early in
 the morning ,i went in great distress  
to seek my confessor4 ,i said to him1   
,what6 my father1 am ,i the only person 
in our family to be lost8 ,alas2 help me
 in my salvation4 ,he was greatly       
surprised to see me so much afflicted1  
and comforted me in the best manner he  
could1 not thinking me so bad as ,i was4
 ,in my backslidings ,i was docile1     
punctual in obedience1 careful to       
confess often4 ,since ,i went to him my 
life was more regular4  ,oh1 thou ,god  
of love1 how often hast ,thou knocked at
 the door of my heart6 ,how often       
terrified me with appearances of sudden 
death6 ,all these only made a transient 
impression4 ,i presently returned again 
to my infidelities4 ,this time thou     

didst take and quite carried off my     
heart4 ,alas1 what grief ,i now         
sustained for having displeased ,thee6  
what regrets1 what exclamations1 what   
sobbings6 ,who would have thought1 to   
see me1 but that my conversion would    
have lasted as long as my life8 ,why    
didst thou not1 ,o my ,god1 utterly take
 this heart to thyself1 when ,i gave it 
to ,thee so fully4 ,or1 if ,thou didst  
take it then1 oh1 why didst ,thou let it
 revolt again8 ,thou wast surely strong 
enough to hold it1 but ,thou wouldst    
perhaps1 in leaving me to myself1       
display thy mercy that the depth of my  
iniquity might serve as a trophy to thy 
goodness4  ,i immediately applied myself
 to every part of my duty4 ,i made a    
general confession with great           
compunction of heart4 ,i frankly        
confessed all that ,i knew with many    
tears4 ,i became so changed that ,i was 
scarcely known4 ,i would not for ever so
 much made the least voluntary slip4    
,they found not any matter for          

absolution when ,i confessed4 ,i        
discovered the very smallest faults and 
,god did me the favor to enable me to   
conquer myself in many things4 ,there   
were left only some remains of passion1 
which gave me some trouble to conquer4  
,but as soon as ,i had by means thereof1
 given any displeasure1 even to the     
domestics1 ,i begged their pardon1 in   
order to subdue my wrath and pride2 for 
wrath is the daughter of pride4 ,a      
person truly humbled permits not        
anything to put him in a rage4 ,as it is
 pride which dies the last in the soul1 
so it is passion which is last destroyed
 in the outward conduct4 ,a soul        
thoroughly dead to itself1 finds nothing
 of rage left4  ,there are persons who1 
being very much filled with grace and   
with peace1 at their entrance of the    
resigned path of light and love1 think  
they are come thus far4 ,but they are   
greatly mistaken1 in this view of their 
state4 ,this they will readily discover1
 if they are heartily willing to examine

 two things4 ,first1 if their nature is 
lively1 warm and violent1 7,i speak not 
of stupid tempers7 they will find1 from 
time to time1 that they make slips1 in  
which trouble and emotion have some     
share4 ,even then they are useful to    
humble and annihilate them4 7,but when  
annihilation is perfected all passion is
 gone--it is incompatible with this     
state47 ,they will find that there often
 arises in them certain motions of      
anger1 but the sweetness of grace holds 
them back4 ,they would easily           
transgress1 if in any wise they gave way
 to these motions4 ,there are persons   
who think themselves very mild because  
nothing thwarts them4 ,it is not of such
 that ,i am speaking4 ,mildness which   
has never been put to the proof1 is     
often only counterfeit4 ,those persons  
who1 when unmolested1 appear to be      
saints are no sooner exercised by vexing
 occurrences than there starts up in    
them a strange number of faults4 ,they  
had thought them dead which only lay    

dormant because nothing awakened them4  
,i followed my religious exercises4 ,i  
shut myself up all day to read and pray4
 ,i gave all ,i had to the poor taking  
even linen to their houses4 ,i taught   
them the catechism and when my parents  
dined out ,i made them eat with me and  
served them with great respect4 ,i read 
the works of ,st4 ,francis de ,sales and
 the life of ,madam de ,chantal4 ,there 
,i first learned what mental prayer was1
 and ,i besought my confessor to teach  
me that kind of prayer4 ,as he did not1 
,i used my own endeavors to practice it1
 though without success1 as ,i then     
thought1 because ,i could not exercise  
the imagination1 ,i persuaded myself1   
that that prayer could not be made      
without forming to one's self certain   
ideas and reasoning much4 ,this         
difficulty gave me no small trouble1 for
 a long time4 ,i was very assiduous and 
prayed earnestly to ,god to give me the 
gift of prayer4 ,all that ,i saw in the 
life of ,m4 de ,chantal charmed me4 ,i  

was so much a child1 that ,i thought ,i 
ought to do everything ,i saw in it4    
,all the vows she had made ,i made also4
 ,one day as ,i was reading that she had
 put the name of ,jesus on her heart1 to
 follow the counsel1 ,set me as a seal  
upon thy heart4 ,for this purpose she   
had taken a hot iron1 whereupon the holy
 name was engraven4 ,i was very much    
afflicted that ,i could not do the same4
 ,i decided to write that sacred and    
adorable name1 in large characters1 on  
paper1 then with ribbons and a needle ,i
 fastened it to my skin in four places4 
,in that position it continued a long   
time4  ,after this1 ,i turned all my    
thoughts to become a nun4 ,because the  
love which ,i had for ,st4 ,francis de  
,sales did not permit me to think of any
 other community than the one of which  
he was the founder1 ,i frequently went  
to beg the nuns there to receive me into
 their convent4 ,often ,i stole out of  
my father's house to go and repeatedly  
solicit my admission there4 ,though it  

was what they eagerly desired1 even as a
 temporal advantage1 yet they never     
dared let me enter1 as they very much   
feared my father1 to whose fondness for 
me they were no strangers4  ,there was  
at that house a niece of my father's1 to
 whom ,i am under great obligations4    
,fortune had not been very favorable to 
her father4 ,it had reduced her in some 
measure to depend on mine1 to whom she  
made known my desire4 ,although he would
 not for anything in the world have     
hindered a right vocation1 yet he could 
not hear of my design without shedding  
tears4 ,as he happened at this time to  
be abroad1 my cousin went to my         
confessor1 to desire him to forbid my   
going to the visitation4 ,he dared not1 
however1 do it plainly1 for fear of     
drawing on himself the resentment of    
that community4 ,i still wanted to be a 
nun1 and importuned my mother           
excessively to take me to that house4   
,she would not do it1 for fear of       
grieving my father1 who was absent4     

,,chapter #e   ,no sooner was my father 
returned home1 than he became violently 
ill4 ,my mother was at the same time    
indisposed in another part of the house4
 ,i was all alone with him1 ready to    
render him every kind of service ,i was 
capable of1 and to give him all the     
dutiful marks of a most sincere         
affection4 ,i do not doubt but my       
assiduity was very agreeable to him4 ,i 
performed the most menial offices       
unperceived by him taking the time for  
it when the servants were not at hand2  
as well to mortify myself as to pay due 
honor to what ,jesus ,christ said1 that 
,he came not to be ministered to1 but to
 minister4 ,when father made me read to 
him1 ,i read with such heartfelt        
devotion that he was surprised4 ,i      
remembered the instruction my sister had
 given me1 and the ejaculatory prayers  
and praises ,i had learned4  ,she had   
taught me to praise ,thee1 ,o my ,god1  
in all ,thy works4 ,all that ,i saw     
called upon me to render ,thee homage4  

,if it rained1 ,i wished every drop to  
be changed into love and praises4 ,my   
heart was nourished insensibly with ,thy
 love2 and my spirit was incessantly    
engrossed with the remembrance of ,thee4
 ,i seemed to join and partake in all   
the good that was done in the world1 and
 could have wished to have the united   
hearts of all men to love ,thee4 ,this  
habit rooted itself so strongly in me1  
that ,i retained it throughout my       
greatest wanderings4  ,my cousin helped 
not a little1 to support me in these    
good sentiments2 ,i was often with her1 
and loved her1 as she took great care of
 me1 and treated me with much           
gentleness4 ,her fortune being equal    
neither to her birth nor her virtue1 she
 did with charity and affection what her
 condition obliged her to do4 ,my mother
 grew jealous1 fearing ,i should love my
 cousin too well and herself too little4
 ,she who had left me in my young years 
to the care of her maids1 and since that
 to my own1 only requiring if ,i was in 

the house4 ,troubling herself no        
further1 now required me always to stay 
with her1 and never suffered me to be   
with my cousin but with great           
reluctance4 ,my cousin fell ill4 ,my    
mother took that occasion to send her   
home1 which was a very severe stroke to 
my heart1 as well as to that grace which
 began to dawn in me4  ,my mother was a 
very virtuous woman4 ,she was one of the
 most charitable women of her age4 ,she 
not only gave the surplus1 but even the 
necessities of the house4 ,never were   
the needy neglected4 ,never any wretched
 one came to her without succor4 ,she   
furnished poor mechanics wherewith to   
carry on their work1 and needy tradesmen
 wherewith to supply their shops4 ,from 
her1 ,i think1 ,i inherited my charity  
and love for the poor4 ,god favored me  
with the blessing of being her successor
 in that holy exercise4 ,there was not  
one in the town1 or its environs1 who   
did not praise her for this virtue4 ,she
 sometimes gave to the last penny in the

 house1 though she had a large family to
 maintain1 and yet she did not fail in  
her faith4  ,my mother's only care about
 me had been all along to have me in the
 house1 which indeed is one material    
point for a girl4 ,this habit of being  
so constantly kept within1 proved of    
great service after my marriage4 ,it    
would have been better had she kept me  
more in her own apartment1 with an      
agreeable freedom and inquired oftener  
what part of the house ,i was in4       
,after my cousin left me1 ,god granted  
me the grace to forgive injuries with   
such readiness1 that my confessor was   
surprised4 ,he knew that some young     
ladies had1 out of envy1 traduced me and
 that ,i spoke well of them as occasion 
offered4 ,i was seized with an ague1    
which lasted four months1 in which ,i   
suffered much4 ,during that time1 ,i was
 enabled to suffer with much resignation
 and patience4 ,in this frame of mind   
and manner of life ,i persevered1 so    
long as ,i continued the practice of    

mental prayer4  ,later we went to pass  
some days in the country4 ,my father    
took along with us one of his relations1
 a very accomplished young gentleman4   
,he had a great desire to marry me2 but 
my father1 resolved not to give me to   
any near kinsman on account of the      
difficulty obtaining dispensations1 put 
him off1 without alleging any false or  
frivolous reasons for it4 ,as this young
 gentleman was very devout1 and every   
day said the office of the ,virgin1 ,i  
said it with him4 ,to have time for it1 
,i left off prayer which was to me the  
first inlet of evils4 ,yet1 ,i kept up  
for a long time some share of the spirit
 of piety2 for ,i went to seek out the  
little shepherdesses1 to instruct them  
in their religious duties4 ,this spirit 
gradually decayed1 not being nourished  
by prayer4 ,i became cold toward ,god4  
,all my old faults revived to which ,i  
added an excessive vanity4 ,the love ,i 
began to have for myself extinguished   
what remained in me of the love of ,god4

  ,i did not wholly leave off mental    
prayer1 without asking my confessor's   
leave4 ,i told him ,i thought it better 
to say the office of the ,virgin every  
day than to practice prayer2 ,i had not 
time for both4 ,i saw not that this was 
a stratagem of the enemy to draw me from
 ,god1 to entangle me in the snares he  
had laid for me4 ,i had time sufficient 
for both1 as ,i had no other occupation 
than what ,i prescribed to myself4 ,my  
confessor was easy in the matter4 ,not  
being a man of prayer he gave his       
consent to my great hurt4  ,oh1 my ,god1
 if the value of prayer were but known1 
the great advantage which accrues to the
 soul from conversing with ,thee1 and   
what consequence it is of to salvation1 
everyone would be assiduous in it4 ,it  
is a stronghold into which the enemy    
cannot enter4 ,he may attack it1 besiege
 it1 make a noise about its walls2 but  
while we are faithful and hold our      
station1 he cannot hurt us4 ,it is alike
 requisite to dictate to children the   

necessity of prayer as of their         
salvation4 ,alas6 unhappily1 it is      
thought sufficient to tell them that    
there is a ,heaven and a ,hell2 that    
they must endeavor to avoid the latter  
and attain the former2 yet they are not 
taught the shortest and easiest way of  
arriving at it4 ,the only way to ,heaven
 is prayer2 a prayer of the heart1 which
 every one is capable of1 and not of    
reasonings which are the fruits of      
study1 or exercise of the imagination1  
which1 in filling the mind with         
wandering objects1 rarely settle it2    
instead of warming the heart with love  
to ,god1 they leave it cold and         
languishing4 ,let the poor come1 let the
 ignorant and carnal come2 let the      
children without reason or knowledge    
come1 let the dull or hard hearts which 
can retain nothing come to the practice 
of prayer and they shall become wise4   
,o ye great1 wise and rich1 have ye not 
a heart capable of loving what is proper
 for you and of hating what is          

destructive8 ,love the sovereign good1  
hate all evil1 and ye will be truly     
wise4 ,when ye love anyone1 is it       
because ye know the reasons of love and 
its definitions8 ,no1 certainly4 ,ye    
love because your heart is formed to    
love what it finds amiable4 ,surely you 
cannot but know that there is nought    
lovely in the universe but ,god4 ,know  
ye not that ,he has created you1 that   
,he has died for you8 ,but if these     
reasons are not sufficient1 which of you
 has not some necessity1 some trouble1  
or some misfortune8 ,which of you does  
not know how to tell his malady1 and beg
 relief8 ,come1 then1 to this ,fountain 
of all good1 without complaining to weak
 and impotent creatures1 who cannot help
 you2 come to prayer2 lay before ,god   
your troubles1 beg ,his grace--and above
 all1 that you may love ,him4 ,none can 
exempt himself from loving2 for none can
 live without a heart1 nor the heart    
without love4  ,why should any amuse    
themselves1 in seeking reasons for      

loving ,love itself8 ,let us love       
without reasoning about it1 and we shall
 find ourselves filled with love1 before
 the others have learned the reasons    
which induced to it4 ,make trial of this
 love1 and you will be wiser in it than 
the most skillful philosophers4 ,in     
love1 as in everything else1 experience 
instructs better than reasoning4 ,come  
then1 drink at this fountain of living  
waters1 instead of the broken cisterns  
of the creature1 which far from allaying
 your thirst1 only tend continually to  
augment it4 ,did ye once drink at this  
fountain1 ye would not seek elsewhere   
for anything to quench your thirst2 for 
while ye still continue to draw from    
this source1 ye would thirst no longer  
after the world4 ,but if ye quit it1    
alas6 the enemy has the ascendant4 ,he  
will give you of his poisoned draughts1 
which may have an apparent sweetness1   
but will assuredly rob you of life4  ,i 
forsook the fountain of living water    
when ,i left off prayer4 ,i became as a 

vineyard exposed to pillage1 hedges torn
 down with liberty to all the passengers
 to ravage it4 ,i began to seek in the  
creature what ,i had found in ,god4 ,he 
left me to myself1 because ,i first left
 him4 ,it was ,his will by permitting me
 to sink into the horrible pit1 to make 
me feel the necessity ,i was in of      
approaching ,him in prayer4  ,thou hast 
said1 that ,thou wilt destroy those     
adulterous souls who depart from ,thee4 
,alas6 it is their departure alone which
 causes their destruction1 since1 in    
departing from ,thee1 ,o ,sun of        
,righteousness1 they enter into the     
regions of darkness and the coldness of 
death1 from which they would never rise1
 if ,thou didst not revisit them4 ,if   
,thou didst not by thy divine light1    
illuminate their darkness1 and by thy   
enlivening warmth1 melt their icy       
hearts1 and restore them to life1 they  
would never rise4  ,i fell then into the
 greatest of all misfortunes4 ,i        
wandered yet farther and farther from   

,thee1 ,o my ,god1 and thou didst       
gradually retire from a heart which had 
quitted ,thee4 ,yet such is thy         
goodness1 that it seemed as if ,thou    
hadst left me with regret2 and when this
 heart was desirous to return again unto
 ,thee1 with what speed didst ,thou come
 to meet it4 ,this proof of ,thy love   
and mercy1 shall be to me an everlasting
 testimony of thy goodness and of my own
 ingratitude4  ,i became still more     
passionate than ,i had ever been1 as age
 gave more force to nature4 ,i was      
frequently guilty of lying4 ,i felt my  
heart corrupt and vain4 ,the spark of   
divine grace was almost extinguished in 
me1 and ,i fell into a state of         
indifference and indevotion1 though ,i  
still carefully kept up outside         
appearances4 ,the habit ,i had acquired 
of behaving at church made me appear    
better than ,i was4 ,vanity1 which had  
been excluded to my heart now resumed   
its seat4 ,i began to pass a great part 
of my time before a looking glass4 ,i   

found so much pleasure in viewing       
myself1 that ,i thought others were in  
the right who practiced the same4       
,instead of making use of this exterior1
 which ,god had given me1 that ,i might 
love ,him the more1 it became to me only
 the means of a vain complacency4 ,all  
seemed to me to look beautiful in my    
person1 but ,i saw not that it covered a
 polluted soul4 ,this rendered me so    
inwardly vain1 that ,i doubt whether any
 ever exceeded me therein4 ,there was an
 affected modesty in my outward         
deportment that would have deceived the 
world4  ,the high esteem ,i had for     
myself made me find faults in everyone  
else of my own sex4 ,i had no eyes but  
to see my own good qualities1 and to    
discover the defects of others4 ,i hid  
my own faults from myself1 or if ,i     
remarked any1 yet to me they appeared   
little in comparison of others4 ,i      
excused1 and even figured them to myself
 as perfections4 ,every idea ,i had of  
others and of myself was false4 ,i loved

 reading to such excess1 particularly   
romances1 that ,i spent whole days and  
nights at them4 ,sometimes the day broke
 while ,i continued to read1 insomuch1  
that for a length of time ,i almost lost
 the habit of sleeping4 ,i was ever     
eager to get to the end of the book1 in 
hopes of finding something to satisfy a 
certain craving which ,i found within   
me4 ,my thirst for reading was only     
increased the more ,i read4 ,books are  
strange inventions to destroy youth4 ,if
 they caused no other hurt than the loss
 of precious time1 is not that too much8
 ,i was not restrained1 but rather      
encouraged to read them under this      
fallacious pretext1 that they taught one
 to speak well4  ,meanwhile1 through thy
 abundant mercy1 ,o my ,god1 ,thou      
camest to seek me from time to time1    
,thou didst indeed knock at the door of 
my heart4 ,i was often penetrated with  
the most lively sorrow and shed         
abundance of tears4 ,i was afflicted to 
find my state so different from what it 

was when ,i enjoyed ,thy sacred         
presence2 but my tears were fruitless   
and my grief in vain4 ,i could not of   
myself get out of this wretched state4  
,i wished some hand as charitable as    
powerful would extricate me2 as for     
myself ,i had no power4 ,if ,i had had  
any friend1 who would have examined the 
cause of this evil1 and made me have    
recourse again to prayer1 which was the 
only means of relief1 all would have    
been well4 ,i was 7like the prophet7 in 
a deep abyss of mire1 which ,i could not
 get out off4 ,i met with reprimands for
 being in it1 but none were kind enough 
to reach out to free me4 ,and when ,i   
tried vain efforts to get out1 ,i only  
sunk the deeper1 and each fruitless     
attempt only made me see my own         
impotence1 and rendered me more         
afflicted4  ,oh1 how much compassion has
 this sad experience given me for       
sinners4 ,it has taught me why so few of
 them emerge from the miserable state   
into which they have fallen4 ,such as   

see it only cry out against their       
disorders1 and frighten them with       
threats of future punishment6 ,these    
cries and threats at first make some    
impression1 and they use some weak      
efforts after liberty1 but1 after having
 experienced their insufficiency1 they  
gradually abate in their design1 and    
lose their courage for trying any more4 
,all that man can say to them afterward 
is but lost labor1 though one preach to 
them incessantly4 ,when any for relief  
run to confess1 the only true remedy for
 them is prayer2 to present themselves  
before ,god as criminals1 beg strength  
of ,him to rise out of this state4 ,then
 would they soon be changed1 and brought
 out of the mire and clay4 ,but the     
devil has falsely persuaded the doctors 
and the wise men of the age1 that1 in   
order to pray1 it is necessary first to 
be perfectly converted4 ,hence people   
are dissuaded from it1 and hence there  
is rarely any conversion that is        
durable4 ,the devil is outrageous only  

against prayer1 and those that exercise 
it2 because he knows it is the true     
means of taking his prey from him4 ,he  
lets us undergo all the austerities we  
will4 ,he neither persecutes those that 
enjoy them nor those that practice them4
 ,but no sooner does one enter into a   
spiritual life1 a life of prayer1 but   
they must prepare for strange crosses4  
,all manner of persecutions and         
contempts in this world are reserved for
 that life4  ,miserable as the condition
 was to which ,i was reduced by my      
infidelities1 and the little help ,i had
 from my confessor1 ,i did not fail to  
say my vocal prayers every day1 to      
confess pretty often1 and to partake of 
the communion almost every fortnight4   
,sometimes ,i went to church to weep1   
and to pray to the ,blessed ,virgin to  
obtain my conversion4 ,i loved to hear  
anyone speak of ,god1 and would never   
tire of the conversation4 ,when my      
father spoke of ,him1 ,i was transported
 with joy2 and when he and my mother    

went on any pilgrimage1 and were to set 
off early in the morning1 ,i either did 
not go to bed the night before1 or hired
 the girls to awake me early4 ,my       
father's conversation at such times was 
always of divine matters1 which afforded
 me the highest delight1 and ,i         
preferred that subject to any other4 ,i 
also loved the poor1 and was charitable1
 even while ,i was so very faulty4 ,how 
strange may this seem to some1 and how  
hard to reconcile things so very        
opposite4     ,,chapter #f   ,afterward 
we came to ,paris where my vanity       
increased4 ,no course was spared to make
 me appear to advantage4 ,i was forward 
enough to show myself and expose my     
pride1 in making a parade of this vain  
beauty4 ,i wanted to be loved of        
everyone and to love none4 ,several     
apparently advantageous offers of       
marriage were made for me2 but ,god     
unwilling to have me lost did not permit
 matters to succeed4 ,my father still   
found difficulties1 which my all-wise   

,creator raised for my salvation4 ,had  
,i married any of these persons1 ,i     
should have been much exposed1 and my   
vanity would have had means to extend   
itself4  ,there was one person who had  
asked for me in marriage for several    
years4 ,my father1 for family reasons1  
had always refused him4 ,his manners    
were opposite to my vanity4 ,a fear lest
 ,i should leave my country1 together   
with the affluent circumstances of this 
gentleman1 induced my father1 in spite  
of both his own and my mother's         
reluctance1 to promise me to him4 ,this 
was done without consulting me4 ,they   
made me sign the marriage articles      
without letting me know what they were4 
,i was well pleased with the thoughts of
 marriage1 flattering myself with a hope
 of being thereby set at full liberty1  
and delivered from the ill-treatment of 
my mother which ,i drew upon myself4    
,god ordered it far otherwise4 ,the     
condition which ,i found myself in      
afterward1 frustrated my hopes4         

,pleasing as marriage was to my         
thoughts1 ,i was all the time1 after my 
being promised1 and even long after my  
marriage1 in extreme confusion1 which   
arose from two causes4 ,first1 my       
natural modesty1 which ,i did not lose4 
,i had much reserve toward men4 ,the    
other1 my vanity4 ,though the husband   
provided was a more advantageous match  
than ,i merited1 yet ,i did not think   
him such4 ,the figure which the others  
made1 who had offered to me before1 was 
vastly more engaging4 ,their rank would 
have placed me in view4 ,whatever did   
not flatter my vanity1 was to me        
insupportable4 ,yet this very vanity    
was1 ,i think1 of some advantage2 it    
hindered me from falling into such      
things as cause the ruin of families4 ,i
 would not do anything which in the eye 
of the world1 might render me culpable4 
,as ,i was modest at church and had not 
been used to go abroad without my       
mother1 as the reputation of our house  
was great1 ,i passed for virtuous4  ,i  

did not see my spouse elect 7at ,paris7 
till two or three days before our       
marriage4 ,i caused masses to be said   
all the time after my being contracted1 
to know the will of ,god4 ,i wished to  
do it in this affair at least4  ,oh1 my 
,god1 how great was thy goodness1 to    
bear with me at this time1 and to allow 
me to pray to ,thee with as much        
boldness1 as if ,i had been one of thy  
friends1 ,i who had rebelled against    
,thee as thy greatest enemy4  ,the joy  
of our nuptials was universal through   
our village4 ,amid this general         
rejoicing1 there appeared none sad but  
myself4 ,i could neither laugh as others
 did1 nor even eat2 so much was ,i      
depressed4 ,i knew not the cause4 ,it   
was a foretaste which ,god gave me of   
what was to befall me4 ,the remembrance 
of the desire ,i had of being a nun1    
came pouring in4 ,all who came to       
compliment me1 the day after1 could not 
forbear rallying me4 ,i wept bitterly4  
,i answered1 ,alas6 ,i had desired so   

much to be a nun2 why then am ,i now    
married8 ,by what fatality has such a   
revolution befallen me8 ,no sooner was  
,i at the house of my new spouse1 than  
,i perceived that it would be for me a  
house of mourning4  ,i was obliged to   
change my conduct4 ,their manner of     
living was very different from that in  
my father's house4 ,my mother-in-law1   
who had long been a widow1 regarded     
nothing else but economy4 ,at my        
father's house they lived in a noble    
manner and great elegance4 ,what my     
husband and mother-in-law called pride1 
and ,i called politeness1 was observed  
there4 ,i was very much surprised at    
this change1 and so much the more1 as my
 vanity wished to increase1 rather than 
to be diminished4  ,at the time of my   
marriage ,i was a little past fifteen   
years of age4 ,my surprise increased    
greatly1 when ,i saw ,i must lose what  
,i had acquired with so much            
application4 ,at my father's house we   
were obliged to behave in a genteel way1

 and to speak with propriety4 ,all that 
,i said was applauded4 ,here they never 
hearkened to me1 but to contradict and  
find fault4 ,if ,i spoke well1 they said
 it was to give them a lesson4 ,if any  
questions were started at my father's1  
he encouraged me to speak freely4 ,here1
 if ,i spoke my sentiments1 they said it
 was to enter into a dispute4 ,they put 
me to silence in an abrupt and shameful 
manner1 and scolded me from morning till
 night4  ,i should have some difficulty 
to give you an account1 which cannot be 
done without wounding charity1 if you   
had not forbidden me to omit any one4 ,i
 request you not to look at things on   
the side of the creature1 which would   
make these persons appear worse than    
they were4 ,my mother-in-law had virtue1
 my husband had religion1 and not any   
vice4 ,it is requisite to look at       
everything on the side of ,god4 ,he     
permitted these things only for my      
salvation1 and because ,he would not    
have me lost4 ,i had beside so much     

pride1 that had ,i received any other   
treatment1 ,i should have continued     
therein1 and should not1 perhaps1 have  
turned to ,god as ,i was induced to do1 
by the oppression of a multitude of     
crosses4  ,my mother-in-law conceived   
such a desire to oppose me in           
everything1 that1 in order to vex me1   
she made me perform the most humiliating
 offices4 ,her disposition was so       
extraordinary1 having never surmounted  
it in her youth1 that she could hardly  
live with anybody4 ,saying none than    
vocal prayers1 she did not see this     
fault2 or seeing it1 and not drawing    
from the forces of prayer1 she could not
 get the better of it4 ,it was a pity1  
for she had both sense and merit4 ,i was
 made the victim of her humors4 ,all her
 occupation was to thwart me and she    
inspired the like sentiments in her son4
 ,they would make persons my inferiors  
take place above me4 ,my mother1 who had
 a high sense of honor1 could not endure
 that4 ,when she heard it from others   

7for ,i told her nothing7 she chided me 
thinking ,i did it because ,i did not   
know how to keep my rank and had no     
spirit4 ,i dared not tell her how it    
was2 but ,i was almost ready to die with
 the agonies of grief and continual     
vexation4 ,what aggravated all was the  
remembrance of the persons who had      
proposed for me1 the difference of their
 dispositions and manners1 the love they
 had for me1 with their agreeableness   
and politeness4 ,all this made my burden
 intolerable4 ,my mother-in-law         
upbraided me in regard to my family1 and
 spoke to me incessantly to the         
disadvantage of my father and mother4 ,i
 never went to see them1 but ,i had some
 bitter speeches to bear on my return4  
,my mother complained that ,i did not   
come often enough to see her4 ,she said 
,i did not love her1 that ,i was        
alienated from my family by being too   
much attached to my husband4  ,what     
augmented my crosses was that my mother 
related to my mother-in-law the pains ,i

 had cost her from infancy4 ,they then  
reproached me1 saying1 ,i was a         
changeling1 and an evil spirit4 ,my     
husband obliged me to stay all day long 
in my mother-in-law's room1 without any 
liberty of retiring into my own         
apartment4 ,she spoke disadvantageously 
of me1 to lessen the affection and      
esteem which some had entertained for   
me4 ,she galled me with the grossest    
affronts before the finest company4     
,this did not have the effect she       
wanted2 the more patiently they saw me  
bear it1 the higher esteem they had for 
me4  ,she found the secret of           
extinguishing my vivacity1 and rendering
 me stupid4 ,some of my former          
acquaintances hardly knew me4 ,those who
 had not seen me before said1 ,is this  
the person famed for such abundance of  
wit8 ,she can't say two words4 ,she is a
 fine picture4 ,i was not yet sixteen   
years old4 ,i was so much intimidated1  
that ,i dared not go out without my     
mother-in-law1 and in her presence ,i   

could not speak4 ,i knew not what ,i    
said2 so much fear had ,i4  ,to complete
 my affliction1 they presented me with a
 waiting-maid who was everything with   
them4 ,she kept me in sight like a      
governess4 ,for the most part ,i bore   
with patience these evils which ,i had  
no way to avoid4 ,but sometimes ,i let  
some hasty answer escape me1 a source of
 grievous crosses to me4 ,when ,i went  
out1 the footmen had orders to give an  
account of everything ,i did4 ,it was   
then ,i began to eat the bread of       
sorrows1 and to mingle tears with my    
drink4 ,at the table they always did    
something which covered me with         
confusion4 ,i could not forbear tears4  
,i had no one to confide in who might   
share my affliction1 and assist me to   
bear it4 ,when ,i would impart some hint
 of it to my mother1 ,i drew upon myself
 new crosses4 ,i resolved to have no    
confidant4 ,it was not from any natural 
cruelty that my husband treated me thus2
 he loved me passionately1 but he was   

warm and hasty1 and my mother-in-law    
continually irritated him about me4  ,it
 was in a condition so deplorable1 ,o my
 ,god1 that ,i began to perceive the    
need ,i had of ,thy assistance4 ,for    
this situation was perilous for me4 ,i  
met with none but admirers abroad1 those
 that flattered me to my hurt4 ,it were 
to be feared lest at such a tender age1 
amid all the strange domestic crosses ,i
 had to bear1 ,i might be drawn away4   
,but ,thou1 by ,thy goodness and love1  
gave it quite another turn4 ,by these   
redoubled strokes ,thou didst draw me to
 ,thyself1 and by ,thy crosses effected 
what ,thy caresses could not effect4    
,nay1 ,thou madest use of my natural    
pride1 to keep me within the limits of  
my duty4 ,i knew that a woman of honor  
ought never to give suspicion to her    
husband4 ,i was so very circumspect that
 ,i often carried it to excess1 so far  
as to refuse my hand to such as in      
politeness offered me theirs4 ,there    
happened to me an adventure which1 by   

carrying my prudence too far1 might have
 ruined me1 for things were taken       
contrary to their intent4 ,my husband   
was sensible both of my innocence and of
 the falsehood of the insinuations of my
 mother-in-law4  ,such weighty crosses  
made me return to ,god4 ,i began to     
deplore the sins of my youth4 ,since my 
marriage ,i had not committed any       
voluntarily4 ,yet ,i still had some     
sentiments of vanity remaining1 which ,i
 did not wish4 ,however1 my troubles now
 counter-balanced them4 ,moreover1 many 
of them appeared my just dessert        
according to the little light ,i then   
had4 ,i was not illuminated to penetrate
 the essence of my vanity2 ,i fixed my  
thoughts only on its appearance4 ,i     
tried to amend my life by penance1 and  
by a general confession1 the most exact 
that ,i ever yet had made4 ,i laid aside
 the reading of romances1 for which ,i  
lately had such a fondness4 ,though some
 time before my marriage that had been  
dampened by reading the ,gospel1 ,i was 

so much affected therewith1 and         
discovered truth therein1 that put me   
out of patience with all the other      
books4 ,novels appeared then to me only 
full of lies and deceit4 ,i now put away
 even indifferent books1 to have none   
but such as were profitable4 ,i resumed 
the practice of prayer1 and endeavored  
to offend ,god no more4 ,i felt ,his    
love gradually recovering the ascendant 
in my heart1 and banishing every other4 
,yet ,i had still an intolerable vanity 
and self-complacency1 which has been my 
most grievous and obstinate sin4  ,my   
crosses redoubled4 ,what rendered them  
more painful was1 that my mother-in-law1
 not content with the bitterest speeches
 which she uttered against me1 both in  
public and private1 would break out in  
anger about the smallest trifles1 and   
scarcely be pacified for a fortnight4 ,i
 used a part of my time in bewailing    
myself when ,i could be alone2 and my   
grief became every day more bitter4     
,sometimes ,i could not contain myself1 

when the girls1 my domestics1 who owed  
me submission1 treated me ill4 ,i did   
what ,i could to subdue my temper which 
has cost me not a little4  ,such        
stunning blows so impaired the vivacity 
of my nature1 that ,i became like a lamb
 that is shorn4 ,i prayed to our ,lord  
to assist me1 and ,he was my refuge4 ,as
 my age differed from theirs 7for my    
husband was twenty-two years older than 
,i7 ,i saw well that there was no       
probability of changing their           
dispositions1 which were fortified with 
years4 ,i found that whatever ,i said   
was offensive1 not excepting those      
things which others would have been     
pleased with4  ,one day1 weighed down   
with grief and in despair1 about six    
months after ,i was married1 being      
alone1 ,i was tempted even to cut out my
 tongue so ,i might no longer irritate  
those who seized every word ,i uttered  
with rage and resentment4  ,but ,thou1  
,o ,god1 didst stop me short and showed 
me my folly4 ,i prayed continually1 and 

wished even to become dumb1 so simple   
and ignorant was ,i4 ,though ,i have had
 my share of crosses1 ,i never found any
 so difficult to support as that of     
perpetual contrariety without relaxation
 of doing all one can to please1 without
 succeeding1 but still offending by the 
very means designed to oblige4 ,being   
kept with such persons1 in a most severe
 confinement1 from morning till night1  
without ever daring to quit them is most
 difficult4 ,i have found that great    
crosses overwhelm1 and stifle all anger4
 ,such a continual contrariety irritates
 and stirs up sourness in the heart4 ,it
 has such strange effect1 that it       
requires the utmost efforts of          
self-restraint1 not to break out into   
vexation and rage4  ,my condition in    
marriage was rather that of a slave than
 of a free person4 ,i perceived1 four   
months after my marriage1 that my       
husband was gouty4 ,this malady caused  
many crosses within and without4 ,he had
 the gout twice the first year1 six     

weeks each time4 ,he was so much plagued
 with it1 that he came no more out of   
his room1 nor out of his bed4 ,he was in
 bed usually for several months4 ,i     
carefully attended him although so very 
young4 ,i did not fail to exert myself  
to the utmost in the performance of my  
duty4 ,alas6 all this did not gain me   
friendship4 ,i had not the consolation  
to know whether what ,i did was         
agreeable4 ,i denied myself all the most
 innocent diversions to continue with my
 husband4 ,i did whatever ,i thought    
would please him4 ,sometimes he quietly 
suffered me1 and then ,i esteemed myself
 very happy4 ,at other times ,i seemed  
insupportable to him4 ,my particular    
friends said1 ,i was of a fine age      
indeed to be a nurse to an invalid1 and 
that it was a shameful thing that ,i did
 not set more value on my talents4 ,i   
answered1 ,since ,i have a husband1 ,i  
ought to share his painful as well as   
his pleasing circumstances4 ,besides    
this1 my mother1 instead of pitying me1 

reprimanded me sharply for my assiduity 
to my husband4  ,but1 ,o my ,god1 how   
different were ,thy thoughts from       
theirs1--how different that which was   
without1 from what passed within6 ,my   
husband had that foible1 that when      
anyone said anything to him against me1 
he flew into a rage at once4 ,it was the
 conduct of providence over me2 for he  
was a man of reason and loved me much4  
,when ,i was sick1 he was inconsolable4 
,i believe1 had it not been for my      
mother-in-law1 and the girl ,i have     
spoken of1 ,i should have been very     
happy with him4 ,most men have their    
moods and emotions1 and it is the duty  
of a reasonable woman to bear them      
peaceably1 without irritating them more 
by cross replies4  ,these things ,thou  
hast ordered1 ,o my ,god1 in such a     
manner1 by ,thy goodness1 that ,i have  
since seen it was necessary1 to make me 
die to my vain and haughty nature4 ,i   
should not have had power to destroy it 
myself1 if thou hadst not accomplished  

it by an all-wise economy of thy        
providence4 ,i prayed for patience with 
great earnestness2 nevertheless1 some   
sallies of my natural liveliness escaped
 me1 and vanquished the resolutions ,i  
had taken of being silent4 ,this was    
doubtless permitted1 that my self-love  
might not be nourished by my patience4  
,even a moment's slip caused me months  
of humiliation1 reproach and sorrow1 and
 proved the occasion of new crosses4    
,,chapter #g   ,during the first year ,i
 was still vain4 ,i sometimes lied to   
excuse myself to my husband and         
mother-in-law4 ,i stood strangely in awe
 of them4 ,sometimes ,i fell into a     
temper1 their conduct appeared so very  
unreasonable1 and especially their      
countenancing the most provoking        
treatment of the girl who served me4 ,as
 to my mother-in-law1 her age and rank  
rendered her conduct more tolerable4    
,but ,thou1 ,o my ,god1 opened my eyes  
to see things in a very different light4
 ,i found in ,thee reasons for          

suffering1 which ,i had never found in  
the creature4 ,i afterward saw clearly  
and reflected with joy1 that this       
conduct1 as unreasonable as it seemed1  
and as mortifying as it was1 was quite  
necessary for me4 ,had ,i been applauded
 here as ,i was at my father's1 ,i      
should have grown intolerably proud4 ,i 
had a fault common to most of our       
sex--,i could not hear a beautiful woman
 praised1 without finding fault1 to     
lessen the good which was said of her4  
,this fault continued long1 and was the 
fruit of gross and malignant pride4     
,extravagantly extolling anyone proceeds
 from a like source4  ,just before the  
birth of my first child1 they were      
induced to take great care of me4 ,my   
crosses were somewhat mitigated4        
,indeed1 ,i was so ill that it was      
enough to excite the compassion of the  
most indifferent4 ,they had so great a  
desire of having children to inherit    
their fortunes1 that they were          
continually afraid lest ,i should any   

way hurt myself4 ,yet1 when the time of 
my delivery drew near1 this care and    
tenderness of me abated4 ,once1 as my   
mother-in-law had treated me in a very  
grating manner1 ,i had the malice to    
feign a cholic1 to give them some alarm2
 but as ,i saw this little artifice gave
 them too much pain1 ,i told them ,i was
 better4 ,no creature could be more     
heavily laden with sickness than ,i was4
 ,beside continual heavings1 ,i had so  
strange a distaste1 except for some     
fruit1 that ,i could not bear the sight 
of food4 ,i had continual swoonings and 
violent pains4 ,after my delivery ,i    
continued weak a long time4 ,there was  
indeed sufficient to exercise patience1 
and ,i was enabled to offer up my       
sufferings to our ,lord4 ,i took a      
fever1 which rendered me so weak1 that  
after several weeks ,i could scarcely   
bear to be moved or to have my bed made4
 ,when ,i began to recover1 an abscess  
fell upon my breast1 which was forced to
 be laid open in two places1 which gave 

me great pain4 ,yet all the maladies    
seemed to me only a shadow of troubles1 
in comparison with those ,i suffered in 
the family which daily increased4       
,indeed1 life was so wearisome to me1   
that those maladies which were thought  
mortal did not frighten me4  ,the event 
improved my appearance1 and consequently
 served to increase my vanity4 ,i was   
glad to call forth expressions of       
regard4 ,i went to the public promenades
 7though but seldom7 and when in the    
streets1 ,i pulled off my mask out of   
vanity4 ,i drew off my gloves to show my
 hands4 ,could there be greater folly8  
,after falling into these weaknesses1 ,i
 used to weep bitterly at home4 ,yet1   
when occasion offered1 ,i fell into them
 again4  ,my husband lost considerably4 
,this cost me strange crosses1 not that 
,i cared for the losses1 but ,i seemed  
to be the butt of all the ill-humors of 
the family4 ,with what pleasure did ,i  
sacrifice temporal blessings4 ,how often
 ,i felt willing to have begged my      

bread1 if ,god had so ordered it4 ,but  
my mother-in-law was inconsolable4 ,she 
bid me pray to ,god for these things4   
,to me that was wholly impossible4  ,o  
my dearest ,lord1 never could ,i pray to
 ,thee about the world1 or the things   
thereof2 nor sully my sacred addresses  
to ,thy majesty with the dirt of the    
earth4 ,no2 ,i rather wish to renounce  
it all1 and everything beside           
whatsoever1 for the sake of ,thy love1  
and the enjoyment of ,thy presence in   
that kingdom which is not of this world4
 ,i wholly sacrificed myself to ,thee1  
even earnestly begging ,thee rather to  
reduce our family to beggary1 than      
suffer it to offend thee4  ,in my own   
mind ,i excused my mother-in-law1 saying
 to myself1 ,if ,i had taken the pains  
to scrape and save1 ,i would not be so  
indifferent at seeing so much lost4 ,i  
enjoy what cost me nothing1 and reap    
what ,i have not sowed4 ,yet all these  
thoughts could not make me sensible to  
our losses4 ,i even formed agreeable    

ideas of our going to the hospital4 ,no 
state appeared to me so poor and        
miserable1 which ,i should not have     
thought easy1 in comparison with the    
continual domestic persecutions ,i      
underwent4 ,my father1 who loved me     
tenderly1 and whom ,i honored beyond    
expression1 knew nothing of it4 ,god so 
permitted it1 that ,i should have him   
also displeased with me for some time4  
,my mother was continually telling him  
that ,i was an ungrateful creature1     
showing no regard for them1 but all for 
my husband's family4 ,appearances were  
against me4 ,i did not go to see them as
 often as ,i should4 ,they knew not the 
captivity ,i was in2 what ,i was obliged
 to bear in defending them4 ,these      
complaints of my mother1 and a trivial  
affair that fell out1 lessened a little 
my father's fond regard for me2 but it  
did not last long4 ,my mother-in-law    
reproached me1 saying1 ,no afflictions  
befell them till ,i came into the house4
 ,all misfortunes came with me4 ,on the 

other hand my mother wanted me to       
exclaim against my husband which ,i     
could never submit to do4  ,we continued
 to meet with loss after loss1 the king 
retrenching a considerable share of our 
revenues1 besides great sums of money1  
which we lost by ,l',hotel de ,ville4 ,i
 could have no rest or peace1 in such   
great afflictions4 ,i had no mortal to  
console me1 or to advise me4 ,my sister1
 who had educated me1 had departed this 
life4 ,she died two months before my    
marriage4 ,i had no other for a         
confidant4  ,i declare1 that ,i find    
much repugnance in saying so many things
 of my mother-in-law4 ,i have no doubt  
that my own indiscretion1 my caprice1   
and the occasional sallies of a warm    
temper1 drew many of the crosses upon   
me4 ,although ,i had what the world     
calls patience1 yet ,i had neither a    
relish nor love for the cross4 ,their   
conduct toward me1 which appeared so    
unreasonable1 should not be looked upon 
with worldly eyes4 ,we should look      

higher and then we shall see that it was
 directed by ,providence for my eternal 
advantage4  ,i now dressed my hair in   
the most modest manner1 never painted1  
and to subdue the vanity which still had
 possession of me1 ,i rarely looked in  
the glass4 ,my reading was confined to  
books of devotion1 such as ,thomas      
a',kempis1 and the works of ,st4        
,francis de ,sales4 ,i read these aloud 
for the improvement of the servants1    
while the maid was dressing my hair4 ,i 
suffered myself to be dressed just as   
she pleased1 which freed me from a great
 deal of trouble4 ,it took away the     
occasions wherein my vanity used to be  
exercised4 ,i knew not how things were2 
but they always liked me1 and thought   
all well in point of dress4 ,if on some 
particular days ,i wanted to appear     
better1 it proved worse4 ,the more      
indifferent ,i was about dress the      
better ,i appeared4 ,how often have ,i  
gone to church1 not so much to worship  
,god as to be seen4 ,other women1       

jealous of me1 affirmed that ,i painted2
 they told my confessor1 who chided me  
for it1 though ,i assured him ,i was    
innocent4 ,i often spoke in my own      
praise1 and sought to raise myself by   
depreciating others4 ,yet these faults  
gradually deceased2 for ,i was very     
sorry afterward for having committed    
them4 ,i often examined myself very     
strictly1 writing down my faults from   
week to week1 and from month to month1  
to see how much ,i was improved or      
reformed4 ,alas6 this labor1 though     
fatiguing1 was of but little service1   
because ,i trusted in my own efforts4 ,i
 wished indeed to be reformed1 but my   
good desires were weak and languid4  ,at
 one time my husband's absence was so   
long1 and in the meantime my crosses and
 vexations at home so great1 that ,i    
determined to go to him4 ,my            
mother-in-law strongly opposed it4 ,this
 once my father interfering1 and        
insisting on it1 she let me go4 ,on my  
arrival ,i found he had almost died4    

,through vexation and fretting he was   
very much changed4 ,he could not finish 
his affairs1 having no liberty in       
attending to them1 keeping himself      
concealed at the ,hotel de ,longueville1
 where ,madame de ,longueville was      
extremely kind to me4 ,i came publicly1 
and he was in great fear lest ,i should 
make him known4 ,in a rage he bid me    
return home4 ,love and my long absence  
from him surmounting every other reason1
 he soon relented and suffered me to    
stay with him4 ,he kept me eight days   
without letting me stir out of his      
sight4 ,fearing the effects of such a   
close confinement on my constitution1 he
 desired me to go and take a walk in the
 garden4 ,there ,i met ,madame de       
,longueville1 who testified great joy on
 seeing me4  ,i cannot express all the  
kindness ,i met with in this house4 ,all
 the domestics served me with emulation1
 and applauded me on account of my      
appearance1 and exterior deportment4    
,yet ,i was much on my guard against too

 much attention4 ,i never entered into  
discourse with any man when alone4 ,i   
admitted none into my coach1 not even my
 relations1 unless my husband were in   
it4 ,there was not any rule of          
discretion which ,i did not duly        
observe1 to avoid giving suspicion to my
 husband1 or subject of calumny to      
others4 ,everyone studied there how to  
contribute to divert or oblige me4      
,outwardly everything appeared          
agreeable4 ,chagrin had so overcome and 
ruffled my husband that ,i had          
continually something to bear4          
,sometimes he threatened to throw the   
supper out of the windows4 ,i said1 he  
would then do me an injury1 as ,i had a 
keen appetite4 ,i made him laugh and ,i 
laughed with him4 ,before that1         
melancholy prevailed over all my        
endeavors1 and over the love he had for 
me4 ,god both armed me with patience and
 gave me the grace to return him no     
answer4 ,the devil1 who attempted to    
draw me into some offence1 was forced to

 retire in confusion1 through the signal
 assistance of that grace4  ,i loved my 
,god and was unwilling to displease     
,him1 and ,i was inwardly grieved on    
account of that vanity1 which still ,i  
found myself unable to eradicate4       
,inward distresses1 together with       
oppressive crosses1 which ,i had daily  
to encounter1 at length threw me into   
sickness4 ,as ,i was unwilling to       
incommode the ,hotel de ,longueville ,i 
had myself moved to another house4 ,the 
disease proved violent and tedious1     
insomuch that the physicians despaired  
of my life4 ,the priest1 a pious man1   
seemed fully satisfied with the state of
 my mind4 ,he said1 ,i should die like a
 saint4 ,but my sins were too present   
and too painful to my heart to have such
 presumption4 ,at midnight they         
administered the sacrament to me as they
 hourly expected my departure4 ,it was a
 scene of general distress in the family
 and among all who knew me4 ,there were 
none indifferent to my death but myself4

 ,i beheld it without fear1 and was     
insensible to its approach4 ,it was far 
otherwise with my husband4 ,he was      
inconsolable when he saw there was no   
hope4 ,i no sooner began to recover1    
than notwithstanding all his love1 his  
usual fretfulness returned4 ,i recovered
 almost miraculously and to me this     
disorder proved a great blessing4       
,beside a very great patience under     
violent pains1 it served to instruct me 
much in my view of the emptiness of all 
worldly things4 ,it detached me from    
myself and gave me new courage to suffer
 better than ,i had done4 ,the love of  
,god gathered strength in my heart1 with
 a desire to please and be faithful to  
,him in my condition4 ,i reaped several 
other advantages from it which ,i need  
not relate1 ,i had yet six months to    
drag along with a slow fever4 ,it was   
thought that it would terminate in      
death4  ,thy time1 ,o my ,god1 had not  
yet arrived for taking me to ,thyself4  
,thy designs over me were widely        

different from the expectations of those
 about me2 it being ,thy determination  
to make me both the object of ,thy mercy
 and the victim of ,thy justice4        
,,chapter #h   ,after long languishing1 
at length ,i regained my former health4 
,about this time my dear mother departed
 this life in great tranquility of mind4
 ,beside her other good qualities1 she  
had been particularly charitable to the 
poor4 ,this virtue1 so acceptable to    
,god1 ,he was graciously pleased to     
commence rewarding even in this life4   
,though she was but twenty-four hours   
sick1 she was made perfectly easy about 
everything that was near and dear to her
 in this world4  ,i now applied myself  
to my duties1 never failing to practice 
that of prayer twice a day4 ,i watched  
over myself1 to subdue my spirit        
continually4 ,i went to visit the poor  
in their houses1 assisting them in their
 distresses4 ,i did 7according to my    
understanding7 all the good ,i knew4    
,thou1 ,o my ,god1 increased both my    

love and my patience1 in proportion to  
my sufferings4 ,i regretted not the     
temporal advantages with which my mother
 distinguished my brother above me4 ,yet
 they fell on me about that1 as about   
everything else4 ,i also had for some   
time a severe ague4 ,i did not indeed   
serve ,thee yet with that fervor which  
,thou didst give me soon after4 ,for ,i 
would still have been glad to reconcile 
,thy love with the love of myself and of
 the creature4 ,unhappily ,i always     
found some who loved me1 and whom ,i    
could not forbear wishing to please4 ,it
 was not that ,i loved them1 but it was 
for the love that ,i bore to myself4  ,a
 lady1 an exile1 came to my father's    
house4 ,he offered her an apartment     
which she accepted1 and she stayed a    
long time4 ,she was one of true piety   
and inward devotion4 ,she had a great   
esteem for me1 because ,i desired to    
love ,god4 ,she remarked that ,i had the
 virtues of an active and bustling life2
 but ,i had not yet attained the        

simplicity of prayer which she          
experienced4 ,sometimes she dropped a   
word to me on that subject4 ,as my time 
had not yet come1 ,i did not understand 
her4 ,her example instructed me more    
than her words4 ,i observed on her      
countenance something which marked a    
great enjoyment of the presence of ,god4
 ,by the exertion of studied reflection 
and thoughts ,i tried to attain it but  
to little purpose4 ,i wanted to have1 by
 my own efforts1 what ,i could not      
acquire except by ceasing from all      
efforts4  ,my father's nephew1 of whom  
,i have made mention before1 was        
returned from ,cochin ,china1 to take   
over some priests from ,europe4 ,i was  
exceedingly glad to see him1 and        
remembered what good he had done me4    
,the lady mentioned was no less rejoiced
 than ,i4 ,they understood each other   
immediately and conversed in a spiritual
 language4 ,the virtue of this excellent
 relation charmed me4 ,i admired his    
continual prayer without being able to  

comprehend it4 ,i endeavored to         
meditate1 and to think on ,god without  
intermission1 to utter prayers and      
ejaculations4 ,i could not acquire1 by  
all my toil1 what ,god at length gave me
 ,himself1 and which is experienced only
 in simplicity4 ,my cousin did all he   
could to attach me more strongly to     
,god4 ,he conceived great affection for 
me4 ,the purity he observed in me from  
the corruptions of the age1 the         
abhorrence of sin at a time of life when
 others are beginning to relish the     
pleasures of it1 7,i was not yet        
eighteen71 gave him a great tenderness  
for me4 ,i complained to him of my      
faults ingenuously4 ,these ,i saw       
clearly4 ,he cheered and exhorted me to 
support myself1 and to persevere in my  
good endeavors4 ,he would fain have     
introduced me into a more simple manner 
of prayer1 but ,i was not yet ready for 
it4 ,i believe his prayers were more    
effectual than his words4  ,no sooner   
was he gone out of my father's house1   

than thou1 ,o ,divine ,love1 manifested 
thy favor4 ,the desire ,i had to please 
,thee1 the tears ,i shed1 the manifold  
pains ,i underwent1 the labors ,i       
sustained1 and the little fruit ,i      
reaped from them1 moved ,thee with      
compassion4 ,this was the state of my   
soul when ,thy goodness1 surpassing all 
my vileness and infidelities1 and       
abounding in proportion to my           
wretchedness1 granted me in a moment1   
what all my own efforts could never     
procure4 ,beholding me rowing with      
laborious toil1 the breath of ,thy      
divine operations turned in my favor1   
and carried me full sail over this sea  
of affliction4  ,i had often spoken to  
my confessor about the great anxiety it 
gave me to find ,i could not meditate1  
nor exert my imagination in order to    
pray4 ,subjects of prayer which were too
 extensive were useless to me4 ,those   
which were short and pithy suited me    
better4  ,at length1 ,god permitted a   
very religious person1 of the order of  

,st4 ,francis1 to pass by my father's   
dwelling4 ,he had intended going another
 way that was shorter1 but a secret     
power changed his design4 ,he saw there 
was something for him to do1 and        
imagined that ,god had called him for   
the conversion of a man of some         
distinction in that country4 ,his labors
 there proved fruitless4 ,it was the    
conquest of my soul which was designed4 
,as soon as he arrived he came to see my
 father who rejoiced at his coming4 ,at 
this time ,i was about to be delivered  
of my second son1 and my father was     
dangerously ill1 expected to die4 ,for  
some time they concealed his sickness   
from me4 ,an indiscreet person abruptly 
told me4 ,instantly ,i arose1 weak as ,i
 was1 and went to see him4 ,a dangerous 
illness came upon me4 ,my father was    
recovered1 but not entirely1 enough to  
give me new marks of his affection4 ,i  
told him of the strong desire ,i had to 
love ,god1 and my great sorrow at not   
being able to do it fully4 ,he thought  

he could not give me a more solid       
indication of his love than in procuring
 me an acquaintance with this worthy    
man4 ,he told me what he knew of him1   
and urged me to go and see him4  ,at    
first ,i made a difficulty of doing it1 
being intent on observing the rules of  
the strictest prudence4 ,however1 my    
father's repeated requests had with me  
the weight of a positive command4 ,i    
thought ,i could not do that amiss1     
which ,i only did in obedience to him4  
,i took a kinswoman with me4 ,at first  
he seemed a little confused2 for he was 
reserved toward women4 ,being newly come
 out of a five years' solitude1 he was  
surprised that ,i was the first to      
address him4 ,he spoke not a word for   
some time4 ,i knew not to what attribute
 his silence4 ,i did not hesitate to    
speak to him1 and to tell him a few     
words1 my difficulties about prayer4    
,presently he replied1 ,it is1 madame1  
because you seek without what you have  
within4 ,accustom yourself to seek ,god 

in your heart1 and you will there find  
,him4  ,having said these words1 he left
 me4 ,they were to me like the stroke of
 a dart1 which penetrated through my    
heart4 ,i felt a very deep wound1 a     
wound so delightful that ,i desired not 
to be cured4 ,these words brought into  
my heart what ,i had been seeking so    
many years4 ,rather they discovered to  
me what was there1 and which ,i had not 
enjoyed for want of knowing it4  ,o my  
,lord1 ,thou wast in my heart1 and      
demanded only a simple turning of my    
mind inward1 to make me perceive ,thy   
presence4 ,oh1 ,infinite ,goodness6 how 
was ,i running hither and thither to    
seek ,thee1 my life was a burden to me1 
although my happiness was within myself4
 ,i was poor in riches1 and ready to    
perish with hunger1 near a table        
plentifully spread1 and a continual     
feast4 ,o ,beauty1 ancient and new2 why 
have ,i known ,thee so late8 ,alas6 ,i  
sought ,thee where ,thou wert not1 and  
did not seek ,thee where thou wert4 ,it 

was for want of understanding these     
words of ,thy ,gospel1 ,the kingdom of  
,god cometh not with observation444 ,the
 kingdom of ,god is within you4 ,this ,i
 now experienced4 ,thou becamest my     
,king1 and my heart ,thy kingdom1       
wherein ,thou didst reign supreme1 and  
performed all ,thy sacred will4  ,i told
 this man1 that ,i did not know what he 
had done to me1 that my heart was quite 
changed1 that ,god was there4 ,he had   
given me an experience of ,his presence 
in my soul2 not by thought or any       
application of mind1 but as a thing     
really possessed after the sweetest     
manner4 ,i experienced these words in   
the ,canticles 7,song of ,solomon73 ,thy
 name is as precious ointment poured    
forth2 therefore do the virgins love    
thee4 ,i felt in my soul an unction     
which1 as a salutary balsam1 healed in a
 moment all my wounds4  ,i slept not    
that whole night1 because ,thy love1 ,o 
my ,god1 flowed in me like a delicious  
oil1 and burned as a fire which was     

going to devour all that was left of    
self4 ,i was suddenly so altered that ,i
 was hardly to be known either by myself
 or others4 ,i found no longer those    
troublesome faults or reluctances4 ,they
 disappeared1 being consumed like chaff 
in a great fire4  ,i now became desirous
 that the instrument hereof might become
 my director1 preferable to any other4  
,this good father could not readily     
resolve to charge himself with my       
conduct although he saw so surprising a 
change effected by the hand of ,god4    
,several reasons induced him to excuse  
himself4 ,first1 my person1 then my     
youth1 for ,i was only nineteen years4  
,lastly1 a promise he had made to ,god1 
from a distrust of himself1 never to    
take upon himself the direction of any  
of our sex1 unless ,god1 by some        
particular providence1 should charge him
 therewith4 ,however1 upon my earnest   
and repeated request to him to become my
 director1 he said he would pray to ,god
 and desired that ,i should do so4 ,as  

he was at prayer1 it was said to him1   
,fear not that charge2 she is my spouse4
 ,when ,i heard this1 it affected me    
greatly4 ,what 7said ,i to myself7 a    
frightful monster of iniquity1 who has  
done so much to offend my ,god1 in      
abusing ,his favors1 and requiting them 
with ingratitude1 now to be declared his
 spouse6 ,after this he consented to my 
request4  ,nothing was more easy to me  
than prayer4 ,hours passed away like    
moments1 while ,i could hardly do       
anything else but pray4 ,the fervency of
 my love allowed me no intermission4 ,it
 was a prayer of rejoicing and          
possessing1 devoid of all busy          
imaginations and forced reflections2 it 
was a prayer of the will1 and not of the
 head4 ,the taste of ,god was so great1 
so pure1 unblended and uninterrupted1   
that it drew and absorbed the power of  
my soul into a profound recollection    
without act or discourse4 ,i had now no 
sight but of ,jesus ,christ alone4 ,all 
else was excluded1 in order to love with

 the greater extent1 without any selfish
 motives or reasons for loving4  ,the   
will1 absorbed the two others1 the      
memory and understanding into itself1   
and concentrated them in ,,love2--not   
but that they still subsisted1 but their
 operations were in a manner            
imperceptible and passive4 ,they were no
 longer stopped or retarded by the      
multiplicity1 but collected and united  
in one4 ,so the rising of the sun does  
not extinguish the stars1 but overpowers
 and absorbs them in the luster of his  
incomparable glory4     ,,chapter #i    
,such was the prayer that was given me  
at once1 far above ecstacies1 transports
 or visions4 ,all these gifts are less  
pure1 and more subject to illusion or   
deceits from the enemy4  ,visions are in
 the inferior powers of the soul1 and   
cannot produce true union4 ,the soul    
must not dwell or rely upon them1 or be 
retarded by them2 they are but favors   
and gifts4 ,the ,giver alone must be our
 object1 and aim4  ,it is of such that  

,paul speaks1 ,satan transforms himself 
into an angel of light1 ,,ii ,cor4      
#aa3ah2 which is generally the case with
 such as are fond of visions1 and lay a 
stress on them2 because they are apt to 
convey a vanity to the soul1 or at least
 hinder it from humbly attending to ,god
 only4  ,ecstacies arise from a sensible
 relish4 ,they may be termed a kind of  
spiritual sensuality1 wherein the soul  
letting itself go too far1 by reason of 
the sweetness it finds in them1 falls   
imperceptibly into decay4 ,the crafty   
enemy presents such sort of interior    
elevations and raptures for baits to    
entrap the soul1 to fill it with vanity 
and self-love1 to fix its esteem and    
attention on the gifts of ,god1 and to  
hinder it from following ,jesus ,christ 
in the way of renunciation and of death 
to all things4  ,and as to distinct     
interior words1 they too are subject to 
illusion2 the enemy can form and        
counterfeit them4 ,or if they come from 
a good angel 7for ,god ,himself never   

speaks thus7 we may mistake and         
misapprehend them4 ,they are spoken in a
 divine manner1 but we construe them in 
a human and carnal manner4  ,but the    
immediate word of ,god has neither tone 
nor articulation4 ,it is mute1 silent1  
and unutterable4 ,it is ,jesus ,christ  
,himself1 the real and essential ,word  
who in the center of the soul that is   
disposed for receiving ,him1 never one  
moment ceases from ,his living1         
fruitful1 and divine operation4  ,oh1   
thou ,word made flesh1 whose silence is 
inexpressible eloquence1 ,thou canst    
never be misapprehended or mistaken4    
,thou becomest the life of our life1 and
 the soul of our soul4 ,how infinitely  
is thy language elevated above all the  
utterances of human and finite          
articulation4 ,thy adorable power1 all  
efficacious in the soul that has        
received it1 communicates itself through
 them to others4 ,as a divine seed it   
becomes fruitful to eternal life4  ,the 
revelations of things to come are also  

very dangerous4 ,the ,devil can         
counterfeit them1 as he did formerly in 
the heathen temples1 where he uttered   
oracles4 ,frequently they raise false   
ideas1 vain hopes1 and frivolous        
expectations4 ,they take up the mind    
with future events1 hinder it from dying
 to self1 and prevent it following      
,jesus ,christ in ,his poverty1         
abnegation1 and death4  ,widely         
different is the revelation of ,jesus   
,christ1 made to the soul when the      
eternal ,word is communicated4 7,gal4   
#a3af47 ,it makes us new creatures1     
created anew in ,him4 ,this revelation  
is what the ,devil cannot counterfeit4  
,from hence proceeds the only safe      
transport of ecstasy1 which is operated 
by naked faith alone1 and dying even to 
the gifts of ,god4 ,as long as the soul 
continues resting in gifts1 it does not 
fully renounce itself4 ,never passing   
into ,god the soul loses the real       
enjoyment of the ,giver1 by attachments 
to the gifts4 ,this is truly an         

unutterable loss4  ,lest ,i should let  
my mind go after these gifts1 and steal 
myself from thy love1 ,o my ,god1 ,thou 
wast pleased to fix me in a continual   
adherence to ,thyself alone4 ,souls thus
 directed get the shortest way4 ,they   
are to expect great sufferings1         
especially if they are mighty in faith1 
in mortification and deadness to all but
 ,god4 ,a pure and disinterested love1  
and intenseness of mind for the         
advancement of thy interest alone4      
,these are the dispositions ,thou didst 
implant in me1 and even a fervent desire
 of suffering for ,thee4 ,the cross1    
which ,i had hitherto borne only with   
resignation1 was become my delight1 and 
the special object of my rejoicing4     
,,chapter #aj   ,i wrote an account of  
my wonderful change1 in point of        
happiness1 to that good father who had  
been made the instrument of it4 ,it     
filled him both with joy and            
astonishment4  ,o my ,god1 what penances
 did the love of suffering induce me to 

undergo6 ,i was impelled to deprive     
myself of the most innocent indulgences4
 ,all that could gratify my taste was   
denied and ,i took everything that could
 mortify and disgust it4 ,my appetite1  
which had been extremely delicate1 was  
so far conquered that ,i could scarcely 
prefer one thing to another4  ,i dressed
 loathsome sores and wounds1 and gave   
remedies to the sick4 ,when ,i first    
engaged in this sort of employment1 it  
was with the greatest difficulty ,i was 
able to bear it4 ,as soon as my aversion
 ceased1 and ,i could stand the most    
offensive things1 other channels of     
employment were opened to me4 ,for ,i   
did nothing of myself1 but left myself  
to be wholly governed by my ,sovereign4 
,when that good father asked me how ,i  
loved ,god1 ,i answered1 ,far more than 
the most passionate lover his beloved2  
and that even this comparison was       
inadequate1 since the love of the       
creature never can attain to this1      
either in strength or in depth4 ,this   

love of ,god occupied my heart so       
constantly and so strongly1 that ,i     
could think of nothing else4 ,indeed1 ,i
 judged nothing else worthy of my       
thoughts4  ,the good father mentioned   
was an excellent preacher4 ,he was      
desired to preach in the parish to which
 ,i belonged4 ,when ,i came1 ,i was so  
strongly absorbed in ,god1 that ,i could
 neither open my eyes1 nor hear anything
 he said4  ,i found that ,thy ,word1 ,o 
my ,god1 made its own impression on my  
heart1 and there had its effect1 without
 the mediation of words or any attention
 to them4 ,and ,i have found it so ever 
since1 but after a different manner1    
according to the different degrees and  
states ,i have passed through4 ,so      
deeply was ,i settled in the inward     
spirit of prayer1 that ,i could scarce  
any more pronounce the vocal prayers4   
,this immersion in ,god absorbed all    
things therein4 ,although ,i tenderly   
loved certain saints1 as ,st4 ,peter1   
,st4 ,paul1 ,st4 ,mary ,magdalene1 ,st4 

,teresa1 yet ,i could not form to myself
 images of them1 nor invoke any of them 
out of ,god4  ,a few weeks after ,i had 
received that interior wound of the     
heart1 which had begun my change1 the   
feast of the ,blessed ,virgin was held1 
in the convent in which was that good   
father my director4 ,i went in the      
morning to get the indulgences and was  
much surprised when ,i came there and   
found that ,i could not attempt it2     
though ,i stayed above five hours in the
 church4 ,i was penetrated with so      
lively a dart of pure love1 that ,i     
could not resolve to abridge by         
indulgences1 the pain due to my sins4 ,o
 my ,love1 ,i cried1 ,i am willing to   
suffer for ,thee4 ,i find no other      
pleasure but in suffering for ,thee4    
,indulgences may be good for those who  
know not the value of sufferings1 who   
choose not that thy divine justice      
should be satisfied2 who1 having        
mercenary souls1 are not so much afraid 
of displeasing ,thee1 as of the pains   

annexed to sin4 ,yet1 fearing ,i might  
be mistaken1 and commit a fault in not  
getting the indulgences1 for ,i had     
never heard of anyone being in such a   
way before1 ,i returned again to try to 
get them1 but in vain4 ,not knowing what
 to do1 ,i resigned myself to our ,lord4
 ,when ,i returned home1 ,i wrote to the
 good father that he had made what ,i   
had written a part of his sermon1       
reciting it verbatim as ,i had written  
it4  ,i now quitted all company1 bade   
farewell forever to all plays and       
diversions1 dancing1 unprofitable walks 
and parties of pleasure4 ,for two years 
,i had left off dressing my hair4 ,it   
became me1 and my husband approved it4  
,my only pleasure now was to steal some 
moments to be alone with ,thee1 ,o thou 
who art my only ,love6 ,all other       
pleasure was a pain to me4 ,i lost not  
,thy presence1 which was given me by a  
continual infusion1 not as ,i had       
imagined1 by the efforts of the head1 or
 by force of thought in meditating on   

,god1 but in the will1 where ,i tasted  
with unutterable sweetness the enjoyment
 of the beloved object4 ,in a happy     
experience ,i knew that the soul was    
created to enjoy its ,god4  ,the union  
of the will subjects the soul to ,god1  
conforms it to all ,his pleasure1 causes
 self-will gradually to die4 ,lastly in 
drawing with it the other powers1 by    
means of the charity with which it is   
filled4 ,it causes them gradually to be 
reunited in the ,center1 and lost there 
as to their own nature and operations4  
,this loss is called the annihilation of
 the powers4 ,although in themselves    
they still subsist1 yet they seem       
annihilated to us1 in proportion as     
charity fills and inflames2 it becomes  
so strong1 as by degrees to surmount all
 the activities of the will of man1     
subjecting it to that of ,god4 ,when the
 soul is docile1 and leaves itself to be
 purified1 and emptied of all that which
 it has of its own1 opposite to the will
 of ,god1 it finds itself by little and 

little1 detached from every emotion of  
its own1 and placed in a holy           
indifference1 wishing nothing but what  
,god does and wills4 ,this never can be 
effected by the activity of our own     
will1 even though it were employed in   
continual acts or resignation4 ,these   
though very virtuous1 are so far one's  
own actions1 and cause the will to      
subsist in a multiplicity1 in a kind of 
separate distinction or dissimilitude   
from ,god4  ,when the will of the       
creature entirely submits to that of the
 ,creator1 suffering freely and         
voluntarily and yielding only a         
concurrence to the divine will 7which is
 its absolute submission7 suffering     
itself to be totally surmounted and     
destroyed1 by the operations of love2   
this absorbs the will into self1        
consummates it in that of ,god1 and     
purifies it from all narrowness1        
dissimilitude1 and selfishness4  ,the   
case is the same with the other two     
powers4 ,by means of charity1 the two   

other theological virtues1 faith and    
hope1 are introduced4 ,faith so strongly
 seizes on the understanding1 as to make
 it decline all reasonings1 all         
particular illuminations and            
illustrations1 however sublime4 ,this   
sufficiently demonstrates how far       
visions1 revelations and ecstasies1     
differ from this1 and hinder the soul   
from being lost in ,god4 ,although by   
them it appears lost in ,him for some   
transient moments1 yet it is not a true 
loss1 since the soul which is entirely  
lost in ,god no more finds itself again4
 ,faith then makes the soul lose every  
distinct light1 in order to place it in 
its own pure light4  ,the memory1 too1  
finds all its little activities         
surmounted by degrees1 and absorbed in  
hope4 ,finally the powers are all       
concentrated and lost in pure love4 ,it 
engulfs them into itself by means of    
their sovereign1 the ,,will4 ,the will  
is the sovereign of the powers and      
charity is the queen of the virtues1 and

 unites them all in herself4  ,this     
reunion thus made1 is called the central
 union or unity4 ,by means of the will  
and love1 all are reunited in the center
 of the soul in ,god who is our ultimate
 end4 ,according to ,st4 ,john1 ,he who 
dwelleth in love1 dwelleth in ,god1 for 
,god is love4  ,this union of my will to
 ,thine1 ,o my ,god1 and this ineffable 
presence was so sweet and powerful1 that
 ,i was compelled to yield to its       
delightful power1 power which was strict
 and severe to my minutest faults4      
,,chapter #aa   ,my senses 7as ,i have  
described7 were continually mortified1  
and under perpetual restraint4 ,to      
conquer them totally1 it is necessary to
 deny them the smallest relaxation1     
until the victory is completed4 ,we see 
those who content themselves practicing 
great outward austerities1 yet by       
indulging their senses in what is called
 innocent and necessary1 they remain    
forever unsubdued4 ,austerities1 however
 severe1 will not conquer the senses4   

,to destroy their power1 the most       
effectual means is1 in general1 to deny 
them firmly what will please1 and to    
persevere in this1 until they are       
reduced to be without desire or         
repugnance4 ,if we attempt1 during the  
warfare1 to grant them any relaxation1  
we act like those1 who1 under pretext of
 strengthening a man1 who was condemned 
to be starved to death1 should give him 
from time to time a little nourishment4 
,it indeed would prolong his torments1  
and postpone his death4  ,it is just the
 same with the death of the senses1 the 
powers1 the understanding1 and          
self-will4 ,if we do not eradicate every
 remains of self subsisting in these1 we
 support them in a dying life to the    
end4 ,this state and its termination are
 clearly set forth by ,paul4 ,he speaks 
of bearing about in the body the dying  
of the ,lord ,jesus4 7,,ii ,cor4        
#d3aj474 ,but1 lest we should rest here1
 he fully distinguishes this from the   
state of being dead and having our life 

hid with ,christ in ,god4 ,it is only by
 a total death to self we can be lost in
 ,god4  ,he who is thus dead has no     
further need of mortification4 ,the very
 end of mortification is accomplished in
 him1 and all is become new4 ,it is an  
unhappy error in those good souls1 who  
have arrived at a conquest of the bodily
 senses1 through this unremitted and    
continual mortification1 that they      
should still continue attached to the   
exercise of it4 ,they should rather drop
 their attention thereto1 and remain in 
indifference1 accepting with equality   
the good as the bad1 the sweet as the   
bitter1 and bend their whole attention  
to a labor of greater importance2       
namely1 the mortification of the mind   
and self-will4 ,they should begin by    
dropping all the activity of self1 which
 can never be done without the most     
profound prayer2 no more than the death 
of the senses can be perfected without  
profound recollection joined to         
mortification4 ,indeed1 recollection is 

the chief means whereby we attain to a  
conquest of the senses4 ,it detaches and
 separates us from them1 and sweetly    
saps the very cause from whence they    
derive their influence over us4  ,the   
more ,thou didst augment my love1 and my
 patience1 ,o my ,lord1 the less respite
 had ,i from the most oppressive        
crosses2 but love rendered them easy to 
bear4  ,o ye poor souls1 who exhaust    
yourselves with needless vexation1 if   
you would but seek ,god in your hearts1 
there would be a speedy end to all your 
troubles4 ,the increase of crosses would
 proportionately increase your delight4 
,love1 at the beginning1 athirst for    
mortification impelled me to seek and   
invent various kinds4 ,it is surprising1
 that as soon as the bitterness of any  
new mode of mortification was exhausted1
 another kind was pointed to me1 and ,i 
was inwardly led to pursue it4 ,divine  
love so enlightened my heart1 and so    
scrutinized into its secret springs1    
that the smallest defects became        

exposed4 ,if ,i was about to speak1     
something wrong was instantly pointed to
 me1 and ,i was compelled to silence4   
,if ,i kept silence1 faults were        
presently discovered--in every action   
there was something defective--in my    
mortifications1 my penances1 my         
alms-giving1 my retirement1 ,i was      
faulty4 ,when ,i walked1 ,i observed    
there was something wrong2 if ,i spoke  
any way in my own favor1 ,i saw pride4  
,if ,i said within myself1 alas1 ,i will
 speak no more1 here was self4 ,if ,i   
was cheerful and open1 ,i was condemned4
 ,pure love always found matter for     
reproof in me1 and was jealous that     
nothing should escape unnoticed4 ,it was
 not that ,i was particularly attentive 
over myself1 for it was even with       
constraint that ,i could look at all at 
myself4 ,my attention toward ,god1 by an
 attachment of my will to ,his1 was     
without intermission4 ,i waited         
continually upon ,him1 and ,he watched  
incessantly over me1 and ,he so led me  

by ,his providence1 that ,i forgot all  
things4 ,i knew not how to communicate  
what ,i felt to anyone4 ,i was so lost  
to myself1 that ,i could scarcely go    
about self-examination4 ,when ,i        
attempted it all ideas of myself        
immediately disappeared4 ,i found myself
 occupied with my ,,one ,,object1       
without distinction of ideas4 ,i was    
absorbed in peace inexpressible2 ,i saw 
by the eye of faith that it was ,god    
that thus wholly possessed me2 but ,i   
did not reason at all about it4 ,it must
 not1 however1 be supposed that divine  
love suffered my faults to go           
unpunished4  ,o ,lord6 with what rigor1 
dost ,thou punish the most faithful1 the
 most loving and beloved of ,thy        
children4 ,i mean not externally1 for   
this would be inadequate to the smallest
 fault1 in a soul that ,god is about to 
purify radically4 ,the punishments it   
can inflict on itself1 are rather       
gratifications and refreshments than    
otherwise4 ,indeed1 the manner in which 

,he corrects ,his chosen1 must be felt1 
or it is impossible to conceive how     
dreadful it is4 ,in my attempt to       
explain it1 ,i shall be unintelligible1 
except to experienced souls4 ,it is an  
internal burning1 a secret fire sent    
from ,god to purge away the fault1      
giving extreme pain1 until this         
purification is complete4 ,it is like a 
dislocated joint1 which is in incessant 
torment1 until the bone is replaced4    
,this pain is so severe1 that the soul  
would do anything to satisfy ,god for   
the fault1 and would rather be torn in  
pieces than endure the torment4         
,sometimes the soul flies to others1 and
 opens her state that she may find      
consolation4 ,thereby she frustrates    
,god's designs toward her4 ,it is of the
 utmost consequence to know what use to 
make of the distress4 ,the whole of     
one's spiritual advancement depends on  
it4 ,we should at these seasons of      
internal anguish1 obscurity and         
mourning1 co-operate with ,god1 endure  

this consuming torture in its utmost    
extent 7while it continues7 without     
attempting to lessen or increase it4    
,bear it passively1 nor seek to satisfy 
,god by anything we can do of ourselves4
 ,to continue passive at such a time is 
extremely difficult1 and requires great 
firmness and courage4 ,i knew some who  
never advanced farther in the spiritual 
process because they grew impatient1 and
 sought means of consolation4           
,,chapter #ab   ,the treatment of my    
husband and mother-in-law1 however      
rigorous and insulting1 ,i now bore     
silently4 ,i made no replies and this   
was not so difficult for me1 because the
 greatness of my interior occupation1   
and what passed within1 rendered me     
insensible to all the rest4 ,there were 
times when ,i was left to myself4 ,then 
,i could not refrain from tears4 ,i did 
the lowest offices for them to humble   
myself4 ,all this did not win their     
favor4 ,when they were in a rage1       
although ,i could not find that ,i had  

given them any occasion1 yet ,i did not 
fail to beg their pardon1 even from the 
girl of whom ,i have spoken4 ,i had a   
good deal of pain to surmount myself1 as
 to the last4 ,she became the more      
insolent for it2 reproaching me with    
things which ought to have made her     
blush and have covered her with shame4  
,as she saw that ,i contradicted and    
resisted her no more in anything1 she   
proceeded to treat me worse4 ,and when  
,i asked her pardon she triumphed1      
saying1 ,i knew very well ,i was in the 
right4 ,her arrogance rose to the height
 that ,i would not have treated the     
meanest slave4  ,one day1 as she was    
dressing me1 she pulled me roughly1 and 
spoke to me insolently4 ,i said1 ,it is 
not my account that ,i am willing to    
answer you1 for you give me no pain1 but
 lest you should act thus before persons
 to whom it would give offence4         
,moreover1 as ,i am your mistress1 ,god 
is assuredly offended with you4 ,she    
left me that moment1 and ran like a mad 

woman to meet my husband telling him she
 would stay no longer1 ,i treated her so
 ill1 that ,i hated her for the care she
 took of him in his continual           
indispositions1 wanting her not to do   
any service for him4 ,my husband was    
very hasty1 so he took fire at these    
words4 ,i finished dressing alone4      
,since she had left me ,i dared not call
 another girl2 she would not suffer     
another girl to come near me4 ,i saw my 
husband coming like a lion1 he was never
 in such a rage as this4 ,i thought he  
was going to strike me2 ,i awaited the  
blow with tranquillity2 he threatened   
with his up-lifted crutch2 ,i thought he
 was going to knock me down4 ,holding   
myself closely united to ,god1 ,i beheld
 it without pain4 ,he did not strike me 
for he had presence of mind enough to   
see what indignity it would be4 ,in his 
rage he threw it at me4 ,it fell near   
me1 but it did not touch me4 ,he then   
discharged himself in language as if ,i 
had been a street beggar1 or the most   

infamous of creatures4 ,i kept profound 
silence1 being recollected in the ,lord4
  ,the girl in the meantime came in4 ,at
 the sight of her his rage redoubled4 ,i
 kept near to ,god1 as a victim disposed
 to suffer whatever ,he would permit4   
,my husband ordered me to beg her       
pardon1 which ,i readily did1 and       
thereby appeased him4 ,i went into my   
closet1 where ,i no sooner was1 than my 
divine ,director impelled me to make    
this girl a present1 to recompense her  
for the cross which she had caused me4  
,she was a little astonished1 but her   
heart was too hard to be gained4  ,i    
often acted thus because she frequently 
gave me opportunities4 ,she had a       
singular dexterity in attending the     
sick4 ,my husband1 ailing almost        
continually1 would suffer no other      
person to administer to him4 ,he had a  
very great regard for her4 ,she was     
artful2 in his presence she affected an 
extraordinary respect for me4 ,when he  
was not present1 if ,i said a word to   

her1 though with the greatest mildness  
and if she heard him coming1 she cried  
out with all her might that she was     
unhappy4 ,she acted like one distressed 
so that1 without informing himself of   
the truth1 he was irritated against me1 
as was also my mother-in-law4  ,the     
violence ,i did to my proud and hasty   
nature was so great1 that ,i could hold 
out no longer4 ,i was quite spent with  
it4 ,it seemed sometimes as if ,i was   
inwardly rent1 and ,i have often fallen 
sick with the struggle4 ,she did not    
forbear exclaiming against me1 even     
before persons of distinction1 who came 
to see me4 ,if ,i was silent1 she took  
offence at that yet more1 and said that 
,i despised her4 ,she cried me down1 and
 made complaints to everybody4 ,all this
 redounded to my honor and her own      
disgrace4 ,my reputation was so well    
established1 on account of my exterior  
modesty1 my devotion1 and the great acts
 of charity which ,i did1 that nothing  
could shake it4  ,sometimes she ran out 

into the street1 crying out against me4 
,at one time she exclaimed1 ,am not ,i  
very unhappy to have such a mistress8   
,people gathered about her to know what 
,i had done to her2 and not knowing what
 to say1 she answered that ,i had not   
spoken to her all the day4 ,they        
returned1 laughing1 and said1 ,she has  
done you no great harm then4  ,i am     
surprised at the blindness of           
confessors1 and at their permitting     
their penitents to conceal so much of   
the truth from them4 ,the confessor of  
this girl made her pass for a saint4    
,this he said in my hearing4 ,i answered
 nothing2 for love would not permit me  
to speak of my troubles4 ,i should      
consecrate them all to ,god by a        
profound silence4  ,my husband was out  
of humor with my devotion4 ,what1 said  
he1 you love ,god so much1 that you love
 me no longer4 ,so little did he        
comprehend that the true conjugal love  
is that which the ,lord ,himself forms  
in the heart that loves ,him4  ,oh1     

,thou who art pure and holy1 ,thou didst
 imprint in me from the first such a    
love of chastity1 that there was nothing
 in the world which ,i would not have   
undergone to possess and preserve it4   
,i endeavored to be agreeable to my     
husband in anything1 and to please him  
in everything he could require of me4   
,god gave me such a purity of soul at   
that time1 that ,i had not so much as a 
bad thought4 ,sometimes my husband said 
to me1 ,one sees plainly that you never 
lose the presence of ,god4  ,the world1 
seeing ,i quit it1 persecuted and turned
 me into ridicule4 ,i was its           
entertainment1 and the subject of its   
fables4 ,it could not bear that a woman1
 scarce twenty years of age1 should thus
 make war against it1 and overcome4 ,my 
mother-in-law took part with the world1 
and blamed me for not doing many things 
that in her heart she would have been   
highly offended had ,i done them4 ,i was
 as one lost1 and alone2 so little      
communion had ,i with the creature1     

farther than necessity required4 ,i     
seemed to experience literally those    
words of ,paul1 ,i live yet1 no more ,i1
 but ,christ liveth in me4 ,his         
operations were so powerful1 so sweet1  
and so secret1 all together1 that ,i    
could not express them4 ,we went into   
the country on some business4 ,oh6 what 
unutterable communications did ,i there 
experience in retirement6  ,i was       
insatiable for prayer4 ,i arose at four 
o'clock in the morning to pray4 ,i went 
very far to the church1 which was so    
situated1 that the coach could not come 
to it4 ,there was a steep hill to go    
down and another to ascend4 ,all that   
cost me nothing2 ,i had such a longing  
desire to meet with my ,god1 as my only 
good1 who on ,his part was graciously   
forward to give ,himself to ,his poor   
creature1 and for it to do even visible 
miracles4 ,such as saw me lead a life so
 very different from the women of the   
world said ,i was a fool4 ,they         
attributed it to stupidity4 ,sometimes  

they said1 ,what can all this mean8     
,some people think this lady has parts1 
but nothing of them appears4 ,if ,i went
 into company1 often ,i could not speak2
 so much was ,i engaged within1 so      
inward with the ,lord1 as not to attend 
to anything else4 ,if any near me spoke1
 ,i heard nothing4 ,i generally took one
 with me1 that this might not appear4 ,i
 took some work1 to hide under that     
appearance the real employ of my heart4 
,when ,i was alone1 the work dropped out
 of my hand4 ,i wanted to persuade a    
relation of my husband's to practice    
prayer4 ,she thought me a fool1 for     
depriving myself of all the amusements  
of the age4 ,but the ,lord opened her   
eyes1 to make her despise them4 ,i could
 have wished to teach all the world to  
love ,god2 and thought it depended only 
on them to feel what ,i felt4 ,the ,lord
 made use of my thinking to gain many   
souls to ,himself4  ,the good father ,i 
have spoken of1 who was the instrument  
of my conversion1 made me acquainted    

with ,genevieve ,granger1 prioress of   
the ,benedictines1 one of the greatest  
servants of ,god of her time4 ,she      
proved of very great service to me4 ,my 
confessor1 who had told everyone that ,i
 was a saint before1 when so full of    
miseries1 and so far from the condition 
to which the ,lord in ,his mercy had now
 brought me1 seeing ,i placed a         
confidence in the father of whom ,i have
 spoken1 and that ,i steered in a road  
which was unknown to him1 declared      
openly against me4 ,the monks of his    
order persecuted me much4 ,they even    
preached publicly against me1 as a      
person under a delusion4  ,my husband   
and mother-in-law1 who till now had been
 indifferent about this confessor1 then 
joined him and ordered me to leave off  
prayer1 and the exercise of piety2 that 
,i could not do4 ,there was carried on a
 conversation within me1 very different 
from that which passed without4 ,i did  
what ,i could to hinder it from         
appearing1 but could not4 ,the presence 

of so great a ,master manifested itself1
 even on my countenance4 ,that pained my
 husband1 he sometimes told me4 ,i did  
what ,i could to hinder it from being   
noticed1 but was not able completely to 
hide it4 ,i was so much inwardly        
occupied that ,i knew not what ,i ate4  
,i made as if ,i ate some kinds of meat1
 though ,i did not take any4 ,this deep 
inward attention suffered me scarcely to
 hear or see anything4 ,i still         
continued to use many severe            
mortifications and austerities4 ,they   
did not in the least diminish the       
freshness of my countenance4  ,i had    
often grievous fits of sickness and no  
consolation in life1 except in the      
practice of prayer1 and in seeing       
,mother ,granger4 ,how dear did these   
cost me1 especially the former6 ,is this
 esteeming the cross as ,i              
ought8--should ,i not rather say that   
prayer to me was recompensed with the   
cross1 and the cross with prayer4       
,inseparable gifts united in my heart   

and life6 ,when your eternal light arose
 in my soul1 how perfectly it reconciled
 me and made you the object of my love6 
,from the moment ,i received ,thee ,i   
have never been free from the cross1 nor
 it seems without prayer--though for a  
long time ,i thought myself deprived    
thereof1 which exceedingly augmented my 
afflictions4  ,my confessor at first    
exerted his efforts to hinder me from   
practicing prayer1 and from seeing      
,mother ,granger4 ,he violently stirred 
up my husband and mother-in-law to      
hinder me from praying4 ,the method they
 took was to watch me from morning until
 night4 ,i dared not go out from my     
mother-in-law's room1 or from my        
husband's bedside4 ,sometimes ,i carried
 my work to the window1 under a pretense
 of seeing better1 in order to relieve  
myself with some moment's repose4 ,they 
came to watch me very closely1 to see if
 ,i did not pray instead of working4    
,when my husband and mother-in-law      
played cards1 if ,i did turn toward the 

fire1 they watched to see if ,i         
continued my work or shut my eyes4 ,if  
they observed ,i closed them1 they would
 be in a fury against me for several    
hours4 ,what is most strange1 when my   
husband went out1 having some days of   
health1 he would not allow me to pray in
 his absence4 ,he marked my work1 and   
sometimes1 after he was just gone out1  
returning immediately1 if he found me in
 prayer he would be in a rage4 ,in vain 
,i said1 ,surely1 sir1 what matters it  
what ,i do when you are absent1 if ,i be
 assiduous in attending you when you are
 present8 ,that would not satisfy him2  
he insisted that ,i should no more pray 
in his absence than in his presence4  ,i
 believe there is hardly a torment equal
 to that of being ardently drawn to     
retirement1 and not having it in one's  
power to be retired4  ,o my ,god1 the   
war they raised to hinder me from loving
 ,thee did but augment my love4 ,while  
they were striving to prevent my        
addresses to ,thee1 thou drewest me into

 an inexpressible silence4 ,the more    
they labored to separate me from ,thee1 
the more closely didst ,thou unite me to
 ,thyself4 ,the flame of ,thy love was  
kindled1 and kept up by everything that 
was done to extinguish it4  ,often      
through compliance ,i played at piquet  
with my husband4 ,at such times ,i was  
even more interiorly attracted than if  
,i had been at church4 ,i was scarce    
able to contain the fire which burned in
 my soul1 which had all the fervor of   
what men call love1 but nothing of its  
impetuosity4 ,the more ardent1 the more 
peaceable it was4 ,this fire gained     
strength from everything that was done  
to suppress it4 ,and the spirit of      
prayer was nourished and increased from 
their contrivances and endeavors to     
disallow me any time for practicing it4 
,i loved without considering a motive or
 reason for loving4 ,nothing passed in  
my head1 but much in the innermost      
recesses of my soul4 ,i thought not     
about any recompense1 gift1 or favor1   

which ,he could bestow or ,i receive4   
,the ,well-beloved was ,himself the only
 object which attracted my heart4 ,i    
could not contemplate ,his attributes4  
,i knew nothing else1 but to love and to
 suffer4 ,ignorance more truly learned  
than any science of the doctors1 since  
it taught me so well ,jesus ,christ     
crucified and brought me to be in love  
with ,his holy cross4 ,i could then have
 wished to die1 in order to be          
inseparably united to ,him who so       
powerfully attracted my heart4 ,as all  
this passed in the will1 the imagination
 and the understanding being absorbed in
 it1 ,i knew not what to say1 having    
never read or heard of such a state as  
,i experienced4 ,i dreaded delusion and 
feared that all was not right1 for      
before this ,i had known nothing of the 
operations of ,god in souls4 ,i had only
 read ,st4 ,francis de ,sales1 ,thomas  
a',kempis1 ,the ,spiritual ,combat1 and 
the ,holy ,scriptures4 ,i was quite a   
stranger to those spiritual books       

wherein such states are described4      
,then all those amusements and pleasures
 that are prized and esteemed appeared  
to me dull and insipid4 ,i wondered how 
it could be that ,i had ever enjoyed    
them4 ,and indeed since that time1 ,i   
could never find any satisfaction or    
enjoyment out of ,god4 ,i have sometimes
 been unfaithful enough to find it4 ,i  
was not astonished that martyrs gave    
their lives for ,jesus ,christ4 ,i      
thought them happy1 and sighed after    
their privilege of suffering for ,him1  
,i so esteemed the cross that my        
greatest trouble was the want of        
suffering as much as my heart thirsted  
for4  ,this respect and esteem for the  
cross continually increased4 ,afterward 
,i lost the sensible relish and         
enjoyment1 yet the love and esteem no   
more left me than the cross itself4     
,indeed1 it has ever been my faithful   
companion1 changing and augmenting1 in  
proportion to the changes and           
dispositions of my inward state4 ,o     

blessed cross1 thou hast never quitted  
me1 since ,i surrendered myself to my   
divine1 crucified ,master4 ,i still hope
 that thou wilt never abandon me4 ,so   
eager was ,i for the cross1 that ,i     
endeavored to make myself feel the      
utmost rigor of every mortification4    
,this only served to awaken my desire   
for suffering1 and to show me that it is
 ,god alone that can prepare and send   
crosses suitable to a soul that thirsts 
for a following of ,his sufferings1 and 
a conformity to ,his death4 ,the more my
 state of prayer augmented1 my desire of
 suffering grew stronger1 as the full   
weight of heavy crosses from every side 
came thundering upon me4  ,the peculiar 
property of this prayer of the heart is 
to give a strong faith4 ,mine was       
without limits1 as was also my          
resignation to ,god1 and my confidence  
in ,him--my love of ,his will1 and of   
the order of ,his providence over me4 ,i
 was very timorous before1 but now      
feared nothing4 ,it is in such a case   

that one feels the efficacy of these    
words1 ,my yoke is easy1 and my burden  
is light 7,matt4 #aa3cj74     ,,chapter 
#ac   ,i had a secret desire given me   
from that time to be wholly devoted to  
the disposal of my ,god1 let that be    
what it would4 ,i said1 ,what couldst   
,thou demand of me1 that ,i would not   
willingly offer ,thee8 ,oh1 spare me    
not4 ,the cross and humiliations were   
represented to my mind in the most      
frightful colors1 but this deterred me  
not4 ,i yielded myself up as willing and
 indeed our ,lord seemed to accept of my
 sacrifice1 for ,his divine providence  
furnished me incessantly with occasions 
and opportunities for putting it to the 
test4  ,i had difficulty to say vocal   
prayers ,i had been used to repeat4 ,as 
soon as ,i opened my lips to pronounce  
them1 the love of ,god seized me        
strongly4 ,i was swallowed up in a      
profound silence and an inexpressible   
peace4 ,i made fresh attempts but still 
in vain4 ,i began again and again1 but  

could not go on4 ,i had never before    
heard of such a state1 ,i knew not what 
to do4 ,my inability increased because  
my love to the ,lord was growing more   
strong1 more violent and more           
overpowering4 ,there was made in me1    
without the sound of words1 a continual 
prayer4 ,it seemed to me to be the      
prayer of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ      
,himself2 a prayer of the ,word1 which  
is made by the ,spirit4 ,according to   
,st4 ,paul it asketh for us that which  
is good1 perfect1 and conformable to the
 will of ,god 7,rom4 #h3bf-bg74  ,my    
domestic crosses continued4 ,i was      
prevented from seeing or even writing to
 ,mrs4 ,granger4 ,my very going to      
divine service or the sacrament1 were a 
source of woeful offences4 ,the only    
amusement ,i had left me1 was the       
visiting and attending the sick poor1   
and performing the lowest offices for   
them4  ,my prayer-time began to be      
exceedingly distressing4 ,i compelled   
myself to continue at it1 though        

deprived of all comfort and consolation4
 ,when ,i was not employed therein1 ,i  
felt an ardent desire and longing for   
it4 ,i suffered inexpressible anguish in
 my mind1 and endeavored with the       
severest inflictions of corporeal       
austerities to mitigate and divert      
it--but in vain4 ,i found no more that  
enlivening vigor which had hitherto     
carried me on with great swiftness4 ,i  
seemed to myself to be like those young 
brides1 who find a great deal of        
difficulty to lay aside their self-love1
 and to follow their husbands to the    
war4 ,i relapsed into a vain complacency
 and fondness for myself4 ,my propensity
 to pride and vanity1 which seemed quite
 dead1 while ,i was so filled with love 
of ,god1 now showed itself again1 and   
gave me severe exercise4 ,this made me  
lament the exterior beauty of my person1
 and pray to ,god incessantly1 that he  
would remove from me that obstacle1 and 
make me ugly4 ,i could even have wished 
to be deaf1 blind and dumb1 that nothing

 might divert me from my love of ,god4  
,i set out on a journey1 which we had   
then to make1 and ,i appeared more than 
ever like those lamps which emit a      
glimmering flash1 when they are just on 
the point of extinguishing4 ,alas6 how  
many snares were laid in my way6 ,i met 
them at every step4 ,i even committed   
infidelities through unwatchfulness4  ,o
 my ,lord1 with what rigor didst ,thou  
punish them6 ,a useless glance was      
checked as a sin4 ,how many tears did   
those inadvertent faults cost me1       
through a weak compliance1 and even     
against my will6 ,thou knowest that ,thy
 rigor1 exercised after my slips1 was   
not the motive of those tears which ,i  
shed4 ,with what pleasure would ,i have 
suffered the most rigorous severity to  
have been cured of my infidelity4 ,to   
what severe chastisement did ,i not     
condemn myself6 ,sometimes ,thou didst  
treat me like a father who pities the   
child1 and caresses it after its        
involuntary faults4 ,how often didst    

,thou make me sensible of ,thy love     
toward me1 notwithstanding my blemishes6
 ,it was the sweetness of this love     
after my falls which caused my greatest 
pain2 for the more the amiableness of   
,thy love was extended to me1 the more  
inconsolable ,i was for having departed 
ever so little from ,thee4 ,when ,i had 
let some inadvertence escape me1 ,i     
found ,thee ready to receive me4 ,i have
 often cried out1 ,o my ,lord6 is it    
possible thou canst be so gracious to   
such an offender1 and so indulgent to my
 faults2 so propitious to one who has   
wandered astray from ,thee1 by vain     
complaisances1 and an unworthy fondness 
for frivolous objects8 ,yet no sooner do
 ,i return1 than ,i find ,thee waiting1 
with open arms ready to receive me4  ,o 
sinner1 sinner6 hast thou any reason to 
complain of ,god8 ,if there yet remains 
in thee any justice1 confess the truth1 
and admit that it is owing to thyself if
 thou goest wrong2 that in departing    
from ,him thou disobeyest ,his call4    

,when thou returnest1 ,he is ready to   
receive thee2 and if thou returnest not1
 ,he makes use of the most engaging     
motives to win thee4 ,yet thou turnest a
 deaf ear to ,his voice2 thou wilt not  
hear ,him4 ,thou sayest ,he speaks not  
to thee1 though ,he calls loudly4 ,it is
 therefore only because thou daily      
rebellest1 and art growing daily more   
and more deaf to the voice4  ,when ,i   
was in ,paris1 and the clergy saw me so 
young1 they appeared astonished4 ,those 
to whom ,i opened my state told me1 that
 ,i could never enough thank ,god for   
the graces conferred on me2 that if ,i  
knew them ,i should be amazed at them2  
and that if ,i were not faithful1 ,i    
should be the most ungrateful of all    
creatures4 ,some declared that they     
never knew any woman whom ,god held so  
closely1 and in so great a purity of    
conscience4  ,i believe what rendered it
 so was the continual care ,thou hadst  
over me1 ,o my ,god1 making me feel ,thy
 presence1 even as ,thou hast promised  

it to us in ,thy ,gospel1--if a man love
 me1 my ,father will love him1 and we   
will come unto him1 and make our abode  
with him 7,john #ad3bc74 ,the continual 
experience of ,thy presence in me was   
what preserved me4 ,i became deeply     
assured of what the prophet had said1   
,except the ,lord keep the city1 the    
watchman waketh but in vain 7,ps4       
#abg3a74 ,thou1 ,o my ,love1 wert my    
faithful keeper1 who didst defend my    
heart against all sorts of enemies1     
preventing the least faults1 or         
correcting them when vivacity had       
occasioned their being committed4 ,but  
alas6 when ,thou didst cease to watch   
for me1 or left me to myself1 how weak  
was ,i1 and how easily did my enemies   
prevail over me6 ,let others ascribe    
their victory to their own fidelity4 ,as
 for me1 ,i shall never attribute them  
to anything else than thy paternal care4
 ,i have too often experienced1 to my   
cost1 what ,i should be without ,thee1  
to presume in the least on any cares of 

my own4 ,it is to ,thee1 and to ,thee   
only1 that ,i owe everything4 ,o my     
,deliverer2 and my being indebted to    
,thee for it gives me infinite joy4     
,while in ,paris1 ,i relaxed and did    
many things which ,i should not4 ,i knew
 the extreme fondness which some had for
 me1 and suffered them to express it    
without checking it as ,i ought4 ,i fell
 into other faults too1 as having my    
neck a little too bare1 though not near 
so much as others had4 ,i plainly saw ,i
 was too remiss2 and that was my        
torment4 ,i sought all about for ,him   
who had secretly inflamed my heart4     
,but1 alas6 hardly anybody knew ,him4 ,i
 cried1 ,oh1 ,thou best beloved of my   
soul1 hadst ,thou been near me these    
disasters had not befallen me4 ,when ,i 
say that ,i spoke thus to ,him1 it is   
but to explain myself4 ,in reality1 it  
all passed almost in silence1 for ,i    
could not speak4 ,my heart had a        
language which was carried on without   
the sound of words1 understood of ,him1 

as ,he understands the language of the  
,word1 which speaks incessantly in the  
innermost recesses of the soul4 ,oh1    
sacred language6 ,experience only gives 
the comprehension of it6 ,let not any   
think it a barren language1 and effect  
of the mere imagination4 ,far           
different--it is the silent expression  
of the ,word in the soul4 ,as ,he never 
ceases to speak1 so ,he never ceases to 
operate4 ,if people once came to know   
the operations of the ,lord1 in souls   
wholly resigned to ,his guiding1 it     
would fill them with reverential        
admiration and awe4  ,i saw that the    
purity of my state was like to be       
sullied by too great a commerce with the
 creatures1 so ,i made haste to finish  
what detained me in ,paris1 in order to 
return to the country4 ,tis true1 ,o my 
,lord1 ,i felt that ,thou hadst given me
 strength enough to avoid the occasions 
of evil--but when ,i had so far yielded 
as to get into them1 ,i found ,i could  
not resist the vain complaisances1 and a

 number of other foibles which they     
ensnared me into4 ,the pain which ,i    
felt after my faults was inexpressible4 
,it was not an anguish that arose from  
any distinct idea or conception1 from   
any particular motive or affection--but 
a kind of devouring fire which ceased   
not1 till the fault was consumed and the
 soul purified4 ,it was a banishment of 
my soul from the presence of its        
,beloved4 ,i could have no access to    
,him1 neither could ,i have any rest out
 of ,him4 ,i knew not what to do4 ,i was
 like the dove out of the ark1 which    
finding no rest for the soul of her     
foot1 was constrained to return to the  
ark2 but1 finding the window shut1 could
 only fly about4 ,in the meantime1      
through an infidelity which will ever   
render me culpable1 ,i strove to find   
some satisfaction without1 but could    
not4 ,this served to convince me of my  
folly and of the vanity of those        
pleasures which are called innocent4    
,when ,i was prevailed on to taste them1

 ,i felt a strong repulse which1 joined 
with my remorse for the transgression1  
changed the diversion into torment4 ,oh1
 my ,father1 said ,i1 this is not ,thee2
 and nothing else1 beside ,thee1 can    
give solid pleasure4  ,one day1 as much 
through unfaithfulness as complaisance1 
,i went to take a walk at some of the   
public parks1 rather from excess of     
vanity to show myself than to take the  
pleasure of the place4 ,oh1 my ,lord6   
how didst ,thou make me sensible of this
 fault8 ,but far from punishing me in   
letting me partake of the amusement1    
,thou didst it in holding me so close to
 ,thyself1 that ,i could give no        
attention to anything but my fault and  
,thy displeasure4 ,after this ,i was    
invited with some other ladies to an    
entertainment at ,st4 ,cloud4 ,through  
vanity and weak compliance1 ,i yielded  
and went4 ,the affair was magnificent2  
they1 though wise in the eye of the     
world1 could relish it4 ,i was filled   
with bitterness4 ,i could eat nothing1  

,i could enjoy nothing4 ,oh1 what tears6
 ,for beyond three months my ,beloved   
withdrew ,his favoring presence1 and ,i 
could see nothing but an angry ,god4  ,i
 was on this occasion1 and in another   
journey which ,i took with my husband   
into ,touraine1 like those animals      
destined for slaughter4 ,on certain days
 people adorn them with greens and      
flowers1 and bring in pomp into the city
 before they kill them4 ,this weak      
beauty1 on the eve of decline1 shone    
forth with new brightness1 in order to  
become the sooner extinct4 ,i was       
shortly after afflicted with the        
smallpox4  ,one day as ,i walked to     
church1 followed by a footman ,i was met
 by a poor man4 ,i went to give him     
alms2 he thanked me but refused them and
 then spoke to me in a wonderful manner 
of ,god and of divine things4 ,he       
displayed to me my whole heart1 my love 
to ,god1 my charity1 my too great       
fondness for my beauty and all my       
faults2 he told me it was not enough to 

avoid ,hell1 but that the ,lord required
 of me the utmost purity and height of  
perfection4 ,my heart assented to his   
reproofs4 ,i heard him with silence and 
respect1 his words penetrated my very   
soul4 ,when ,i arrived at the church ,i 
fainted away4 ,i have never seen the man
 since4     ,,chapter #ad   ,my husband 
enjoying some intermission of his almost
 continual ailments1 had a mind to go to
 ,orleans1 and then into ,touraine4 ,in 
this journey my vanity made its last    
blaze4 ,i received abundance of visits  
and applauses4 ,but how clearly did ,i  
see the folly of men who are so taken   
with vain beauty6 ,i disliked the       
disposition1 yet not that which caused  
it1 though ,i sometimes ardently desired
 to be delivered from it4 ,the continual
 combat of nature and grace cost me no  
small affliction4 ,nature was pleased   
with public applause2 grace made me     
dread it4 ,what augmented the temptation
 was that they esteemed in me virtue1   
joined with youth and beauty4 ,they did 

not know that all the virtue is only in 
,god1 and ,his protection1 and all the  
weakness in myself4  ,i went in search  
of confessors1 to accuse myself of my   
failing1 and to bewail my backslidings4 
,they were utterly insensible of my     
pain4 ,they esteemed what ,god          
condemned4 ,they treated as a virtue    
what to me appeared detestable in ,his  
sight4 ,far from measuring my faults by 
,his graces1 they only considered what  
,i was1 in comparison of what ,i might  
have been4 ,hence1 instead of blaming   
me1 they only flattered my pride4 ,they 
justified me in what incurred ,his      
rebuke1 or only treated as a slight     
fault what in me was highly displeasing 
to ,him1 from whom ,i had received such 
signal mercies4  ,the heinousness of    
sins is not to be measured singly by    
their nature1 but also by the state of  
the person who commits them4 ,the least 
unfaithfulness in a spouse is more      
injurious to her husband1 than far      
greater ones in his domestics4 ,i told  

them all the trouble ,i had been under  
for not having entirely covered my neck4
 ,it was covered much more than was     
covered by other women of my age4 ,they 
assured me that ,i was very modestly    
dressed4 ,as my husband liked my dress  
there could be nothing amiss in it4 ,my 
inward ,director taught me quite the    
contrary4 ,i had not courage enough to  
follow ,him1 and to dress myself        
differently from others1 at my age4 ,my 
vanity furnished me with pretences      
seemingly just for following fashions4  
,if pastors knew what hurt they do in   
humoring female vanity1 they would be   
more severe against it6 ,had ,i found   
but one person honest enough to deal    
plainly with me1 ,i should not have gone
 on4 ,but my vanity1 siding with the    
declared opinion of all others1 induced 
me to think them right1 and my own      
scruples mere fancy4  ,we met with      
accidents in this journey1 sufficient to
 have terrified anyone4 ,though corrupt 
nature prevailed so far as ,i have just 

mentioned1 yet my resignation to ,god   
was so strong1 that ,i passed fearless1 
even where there was apparently no      
possibility of escape4 ,at one time we  
got into a narrow pass1 and did not     
perceive1 until we were too far advanced
 to draw back1 that the road was        
undermined by the river ,loire1 which   
ran beneath1 and the banks had fallen   
in2 so that in some places the footmen  
were obliged to support one side of the 
carriage4 ,all those around me were     
terrified to the highest degree1 yet    
,god kept me perfectly tranquil4 ,i     
secretly rejoiced at the prospect of    
losing my life by a singular stroke of  
,his providence4  ,on my return1 ,i went
 to see ,mrs4 ,granger1 to whom ,i      
related how it had been with me while   
abroad4 ,she strengthened and encouraged
 me to pursue my first design4 ,she     
advised me to cover my neck1 which ,i   
have done ever since notwithstanding the
 singularity of it4  ,the ,lord1 who had
 so long deferred the chastisement      

merited by such a series of             
infidelities1 now began to punish me for
 the abuse of his grace4 ,sometimes ,i  
wished to retire to a convent1 and      
thought it lawful4 ,i found wherein ,i  
was weak1 and that my faults were always
 of the same nature4 ,i wished to hide  
myself in some cave1 or to be confined  
in a dreary prison1 rather than enjoy a 
liberty by which ,i suffered so much4   
,divine love gently drew me inward1 and 
vanity dragged me outward4 ,my heart was
 rent asunder by the contest1 as ,i     
neither gave myself wholly up to the one
 nor the other4  ,i besought my ,god to 
deprive me of power to displease ,him1  
and cried1 ,art thou not strong enough  
wholly to eradicate this unjust         
duplicity out of my heart8 ,for my      
vanity broke forth when occasions       
offered2 yet ,i quickly returned to     
,god4 ,he1 instead of repulsing or      
upbraiding me1 often received me with   
open arms1 and gave me fresh            
testimonials of ,his love4 ,they filled 

me with the most painful reflections on 
my offense4 ,though this wretched vanity
 was still so prevalent1 yet my love to 
,god was such1 that after my wanderings1
 ,i would rather have chosen ,his rod   
than ,his caresses4 ,his interests were 
more dear to me than my own1 and ,i     
wished ,he would have done ,himself     
justice upon me4 ,my heart was full of  
grief and of love4 ,i was stung to the  
quick for offending ,him1 who showered  
,his grace so profusely upon me4 ,that  
those who know not ,god should offend   
,him by sin is not to be wondered at1   
but that a heart which loved ,him more  
than itself1 and so fully experienced   
,his love1 should be seduced by         
propensities which it detests1 is a     
cruel martyrdom4  ,when ,i felt most    
strongly ,thy presence1 and ,thy love1  
,o ,lord1 said ,i1 how wonderfully ,thou
 bestowest ,thy favors on such a        
wretched creature1 who requites ,thee   
only with ingratitude4 ,for if anyone   
reads this life with attention1 he will 

see on ,god's part1 nothing but         
goodness1 mercy1 and love2 on my part1  
nothing but weakness1 sin and           
infidelity4 ,i have nothing to glory in 
but my infirmities and my unworthiness1 
since1 in that everlasting              
marriage-union thou hast made with me1  
,i brought with me nothing but weakness1
 sin and misery4 ,how ,i rejoice to owe 
all to ,thee1 and that ,thou favorest my
 heart with a sight of the treasures and
 boundless riches of ,thy grace and     
love6 ,thou hast dealt by me1 as if a   
magnificent king should marry a poor    
slave1 forget her slavery1 give her all 
the ornaments which may render her      
pleasing in his eyes1 and freely pardon 
her all the faults and ill qualities    
which her ignorance and bad education   
had given her4 ,this ,thou hast made my 
case4 ,my poverty is become my riches1  
and in the extremity of my weakness ,i  
have found my strength4 ,oh1 if any     
knew1 with what confusion the indulgent 
favors of ,god cover the soul after its 

faults6 ,such a soul would wish with all
 its power to satisfy the divine        
justice4 ,i made verses and little songs
 to bewail myself4 ,i exercised         
austerities1 but they did not satisfy my
 heart4 ,they were like those drops of  
water which only serve to make the fire 
hotter4 ,when ,i take a view of ,god1   
and myself1 ,i am obliged to cry out1   
,oh1 admirable conduct of ,love toward  
an ungrateful wretch6 ,oh1 horrible     
ingratitude toward such unparalleled    
goodness4 ,a great part of my life is   
only a mixture of such things as might  
be enough to sink me to the grave       
between grief and love4     ,,chapter   
#ae   ,on my arrival at home1 ,i found  
my husband taken with the gout1 and his 
other complaints4 ,my little daughter   
ill1 and like to die of the smallpox2 my
 eldest son1 too1 took it2 and it was of
 so malignant a type1 that it rendered  
him as disfigured1 as before he was     
beautiful4 ,as soon as ,i perceived the 
smallpox was in the house1 ,i had no    

doubt but ,i should take it4 ,mrs4      
,granger advised me to leave if ,i      
could4 ,my father offered to take me    
home1 with my second son1 whom ,i       
tenderly loved4 ,my mother-in-law would 
not suffer it4 ,she persuaded my husband
 it was useless1 and sent for a         
physician1 who seconded her in it1      
saying1 ,i should as readily take it at 
a distance as here1 if ,i were disposed 
to take it4 ,i may say1 she proved at   
that time a second ,jephtha1 and that   
she sacrificed us both1 though          
innocently4 ,had she known what         
followed1 ,i doubt not but she would    
have acted otherwise4 ,all the town     
stirred in this affair4 ,everyone begged
 her to send me out of the house1 and   
cried out that it was cruel to expose me
 thus4 ,they set upon me1 too1 imagining
 ,i was unwilling to go4 ,i had not told
 that she was so averse to it4 ,i had at
 that time no other disposition than to 
sacrifice myself to divine ,providence4 
,though ,i might have removed1          

notwithstanding my mother-in-law's      
resistance1 yet ,i would not without her
 consent2 because it looked to me as if 
her resistance was an order of ,heaven4 
,i continued in this spirit of sacrifice
 to ,god1 waiting from moment to moment 
in an entire resignation1 for whatever  
,he should be pleased to ordain4 ,i     
cannot express what nature suffered4 ,i 
was like one who sees both certain death
 and an easy remedy1 without being able 
to avoid the former1 or try the latter4 
,i had no less apprehension for my      
younger son than for myself4 ,my        
mother-in-law so excessively doted on   
the eldest1 that the rest of us were    
indifferent to her4 ,yet ,i am assured1 
if she had known the younger would have 
died of the smallpox1 she would not have
 acted as she did4 ,god makes use of    
creatures1 and their natural            
inclinations to accomplish ,his designs4
 ,when ,i see in the creatures a conduct
 which appears unreasonable and         
mortifying1 ,i mount higher1 and look   

upon them as instruments both of the    
mercy and justice of ,god4 ,his justice 
is full of mercy4  ,i told my husband   
that my stomach was sick1 and that ,i   
was taking the smallpox4 ,he said it was
 only imagination4 ,i let ,mrs4 ,granger
 know the situation ,i was in4 ,as she  
had a tender heart1 she was affected by 
the treatment ,i met with1 and          
encouraged me to offer myself up to the 
,lord4 ,at length1 nature finding there 
was no resource1 consented to the       
sacrifice which my spirit had already   
made4 ,the disorder gained ground apace4
 ,i was seized with a great shivering1  
and pain both in my head and stomach4   
,they would not yet believe that ,i was 
sick4 ,in a few hours it went so far1   
that they thought my life in danger4 ,i 
was also taken with an inflammation on  
my lungs1 and the remedies for the one  
disorder were contrary to the other4 ,my
 mother-in-law's favorite physician was 
not in town1 nor the resident surgeon4  
,another surgeon said that ,i must be   

bled2 but my mother-in-law would not    
suffer it at that time4 ,i was on the   
point of death for the want of proper   
assistance4 ,my husband1 not being able 
to see me1 left me entirely to his      
mother4 ,she would not allow any        
physician but her own to prescribe for  
me1 and yet did not send for him1 though
 he was within a day's journey4 ,in this
 extremity ,i opened not my mouth4 ,i   
looked for life or death from the hand  
of ,god1 without testifying the least   
uneasiness4 ,the peace ,i enjoyed       
within1 on account of that perfect      
resignation1 in which ,god kept me by   
,his grace1 was so great1 that it made  
me forget myself1 in the midst of       
oppressive disorders4  ,the ,lord's     
protection was indeed wonderful4 ,how   
oft have ,i been reduced to extremity1  
yet ,he never failed to succor1 when    
things appeared most desperate4 ,it     
pleased ,him so to order it1 that the   
skillful surgeon1 who had attended me   
before1 passing by our house1 inquired  

after me4 ,they told him ,i was         
extremely ill4 ,he alighted immediately1
 and came in to see me4 ,never was a man
 more surprised1 when he saw the        
condition ,i was in4 ,the smallpox1     
which could not come out1 had fallen on 
my nose with such force1 that it was    
quite black4 ,he thought there had been 
gangrene and that it was going to fall  
off4 ,my eyes were like two coals2 but  
,i was not alarmed4 ,at that time ,i    
could have made a sacrifice of all      
things1 and was pleased that ,god should
 avenge ,himself on that face1 which had
 betrayed me into so many infidelities4 
,he also was so affrighted that he went 
into my mother-in-law's room and told   
her1 that it was most shameful to let me
 die in that manner1 for want of        
bleeding4 ,she still opposed it         
violently so that in short she told him 
flatly that she would not suffer it1    
until the physician returned4 ,he flew  
into such a rage at seeing me thus left 
without sending for the physician that  

he reproved my mother-in-law in the     
severest manner4 ,but it was all in     
vain4 ,he came up again presently and   
said1 ,if you choose1 ,i will bleed you1
 and save your life4 ,i held out my arm 
to him2 and though it was extremely     
swelled1 he bled me in an instant4 ,my  
mother-in-law was in a violent passion4 
,the smallpox came out immediately4 ,he 
ordered that they should have me bled   
again in the evening1 but she would not 
suffer it4 ,fear of displeasing my      
mother-in-law1 and a total resignation  
of myself into the hands of ,god1 ,i did
 not retain him4  ,i am more particular 
to show how advantageous it is to resign
 one's self to ,god without reserve4    
,though in appearance ,he leaves us for 
a time to prove and exercise our faith1 
yet ,he never fails us1 when our need of
 ,him is the more pressing4 ,one may say
 with the ,scripture1 ,it is ,god who   
bringeth down to the gates of death1 and
 raiseth up again4 ,the blackness and   
swelling of my nose went away and ,i    

believe1 had they continued to bleed me1
 ,i had been pretty easy4 ,for want of  
that ,i grew worse again4 ,the malady   
fell into my eyes1 and inflamed them    
with such severe pain1 that ,i thought  
,i should lose them both4  ,i had       
violent pains for three weeks during    
which time ,i got little sleep4 ,i could
 not shut my eyes1 they were so full of 
the smallpox1 nor open them by reason of
 the pain4 ,my throat1 palate1 and gums 
were likewise so filled with the pock1  
that ,i could not swallow broth1 or take
 nourishment without suffering          
extremely4 ,my whole body looked        
leprous4 ,all that saw me said that they
 had never seen such a shocking         
spectacle4 ,but as to my soul1 it was   
kept in a contentment not to be         
expressed4 ,the hopes of its liberty1 by
 the loss of that beauty1 which had so  
frequently brought me under bondage1    
rendered me so satisfied1 and so united 
to ,god1 that ,i would not have changed 
my condition for that of the most happy 

prince in the world4  ,everyone thought 
,i would be inconsolable4 ,several      
expressed their sympathy in my sad      
condition1 as they judged it4 ,i lay    
still in the secret fruition of a joy   
unspeakable1 in this total deprivation  
of what had been a snare to my pride1   
and to the passions of men4 ,i praised  
,god in profound silence4 ,none ever    
heard any complaints from me1 either of 
my pains or the loss ,i sustained4 ,the 
only thing that ,i said was1 that ,i    
rejoiced at1 and was exceedingly        
thankful for the interior liberty ,i    
gained thereby2 and they construed this 
as a great crime4 ,my confessor1 who had
 been dissatisfied with me before1 came 
to see me4 ,he asked me if ,i was not   
sorry for having the smallpox2 and he   
now taxed me with pride for my answer4  
,my youngest little boy took the        
distemper the same day with myself1 and 
died for want of care4 ,this blow indeed
 struck me to the heart1 but yet1       
drawing strength from my weakness1 ,i   

offered him up1 and said to ,god as ,job
 did1 ,thou gavest him to me1 and thou  
takest him from me2 blessed be thy holy 
name4 ,the spirit of sacrifice possessed
 me so strongly1 that1 though ,i loved  
this child tenderly1 ,i never shed a    
tear at hearing of his death4 ,the day  
he was buried1 the doctor sent to tell  
me he had not placed a tombstone upon   
his grave1 because my little girl could 
not survive him two days4 ,my eldest son
 was not yet out of danger1 so that ,i  
saw myself stripped of all my children  
at once1 my husband indisposed1 and     
myself extremely so4 ,the ,lord did not 
take my little girl then4 ,he prolonged 
her life some years4  ,at last my       
mother-in-law's physician arrived1 at a 
time wherein he could be of but little  
service to me4 ,when he saw the strange 
inflammation in my eyes1 he bled me     
several times2 but it was too late4 ,and
 those bleedings which would have been  
so proper at first1 did nothing but     
weaken me now4 ,they could not even     

bleed me in the condition ,i was in but 
with the greatest difficulty4 ,my arms  
were so swelled that the surgeon was    
obliged to push in the lance to a great 
depth4 ,moreover1 the bleeding being out
 of season had liked to have caused my  
death4 ,this1 ,i confess1 would have    
been very agreeable to me4 ,i looked    
upon death as the greatest blessing for 
me4 ,yet ,i saw well ,i had nothing to  
hope in that side2 and that1 instead of 
meeting with so desirable an event1 ,i  
must prepare myself to support the      
trials of life4  ,after my eldest son   
was better1 he got up and came into my  
room4 ,i was surprised at the           
extraordinary change ,i saw in him4 ,his
 face1 lately so fair and beautiful1 was
 become like a coarse spot of earth1 all
 full of furrows4 ,that gave me the     
curiosity to view myself4 ,i felt       
shocked1 for ,i saw that ,god had       
ordered the sacrifice in all its        
reality4  ,some things fell out by the  
contrariety of my mother-in-law that    

caused me severe crosses4 ,they put the 
finishing stroke to my son's face4      
,however1 my heart was firm in ,god1 and
 strengthened itself by the number and  
greatness of my sufferings4 ,i was as a 
victim incessantly offered upon the     
altar1 to ,,him who first sacrificed    
,himself for love4 ,what shall ,i render
 to the ,lord1 for all his benefits     
toward me8 ,i will take the cup of      
salvation1 and call upon the name of the
 ,lord4 ,these words1 ,i can truly say1 
,o my ,god1 have been the delight of my 
heart1 and have had their effect on me1 
through my whole life2 for ,i have been 
continually heaped with thy blessings   
and thy cross4 ,my principal attraction1
 besides that of suffering for ,thee1   
has been to yield myself up without     
resistance1 interiorly and exteriorly1  
to all ,thy divine disposals4 ,these    
gifts which ,i was favored with from the
 beginning1 have continued and increased
 until now ,thou hast ,thyself guided my
 continual crosses1 and led me through  

paths impenetrable to all but thee4     
,they sent me pomatums to recover my    
complexion1 and to fill up the hollows  
of the smallpox4 ,i had seen wonderful  
effects from it upon others1 and        
therefore at first had a mind to try    
them4 ,but1 jealous of ,god's work1 ,i  
would not suffer it4 ,there was a voice 
in my heart which said1 ,if ,i would    
have had thee fair1 ,i would have left  
thee as thou wert4 ,i was therefore     
obliged to lay aside every remedy1 and  
to go into the air1 which made the      
pitting worse2 to expose myself in the  
street when the redness of the smallpox 
was at the worst1 in order to make my   
humiliation triumph1 where ,i had       
exalted my pride4  ,my husband kept to  
his bed almost all that time1 and made  
good use of his indisposition4 ,only as 
he now lost that1 which before gave him 
so much pleasure in viewing me1 he grew 
much more susceptible to impressions    
which any gave him against me4 ,in      
consequence of this1 the persons who    

spoke to him to my disadvantage1 finding
 themselves now better hearkened to1    
spoke more boldly and more frequently4  
,there was only ,thou1 ,o my ,god1 who  
changed not for me4 ,thou didst redouble
 my interior graces1 in proportion as   
,thou didst augment my exterior crosses4
     ,,chapter #af   ,my maid became    
every day more haughty4 ,seeing that her
 scoldings and outcries did not now     
torment me1 she thought1 if she could   
hinder me from going to the communion1  
she would give me the greatest of all   
vexations4  ,she was not mistaken1 ,o   
divine ,spouse of pure souls1 since the 
only satisfaction of my life was to     
receive and to honor ,thee4 ,i gave     
everything1 of the finest ,i had1 to    
furnish the churches with ornaments1 and
 contributed to the utmost extent of my 
abilities1 to make them have silver     
plates and chalices4  ,oh1 my ,love1 ,i 
cried1 let me be thy victim6 ,spare     
nothing to annihilate me4 ,i felt an    
inexpressible longing to be more        

reduced1 and to become1 as it were1     
nothing4  ,this girl then knew my       
affection for the holy sacrament1 where1
 when ,i could have liberty for it1 ,i  
passed several hours on my knees4 ,she  
took it in her head to watch me daily4  
,when she discovered me going1 she ran  
to tell my mother-in-law and my husband4
 ,there needed no more to chagrin them4 
,their invectives lasted the whole day4 
,if a word escaped me in my own         
justification1 it was enough to make    
them say that ,i was guilty of          
sacrilege1 and to raise an outcry       
against all devotion4 ,if ,i made them  
no answer at all1 they still heightened 
their indignation1 and said the most    
grating things they could devise4 ,if ,i
 fell sick1 which often happened1 they  
took occasion to come to quarrel with me
 at my bed1 saying1 my communion and    
prayers were what made me sick4 ,they   
spoke as if there had been nothing else 
could make me ill1 but my devotion to   
,thee1 ,o my ,beloved6  ,she told me one

 day that she was going to write to my  
director to get him to stop me from     
going to the communion4 ,when ,i made no
 answer1 she cried out as loud as she   
could1 that ,i treated her ill and      
despised her4 ,when ,i went to prayers1 
7though ,i had taken care to arrange    
everything about the house7 she ran to  
tell my husband that ,i was going and   
had left nothing in order4 ,when ,i     
returned home his rage fell on me in all
 its violence4 ,they would hear none of 
my reasons1 but said1 they were all a   
pack of lies4 ,my mother-in-law         
persuaded my husband that ,i let        
everything go to wreck4 ,if she did not 
take the care of things he would be     
ruined4 ,he believed it1 and ,i bore all
 with patience1 endeavoring1 as well as 
,i could1 to do my duty4 ,what gave most
 trouble was the not knowing what course
 to take2 for when ,i ordered anything  
without her1 she complained that ,i     
showed her no respect1 that ,i did      
things of my own head and that they were

 done always the worse for it4 ,then she
 would order them contrary4 ,if ,i      
consulted her to know what1 or how she  
would have anything to be done1 she said
 that ,i compelled her to have the care 
and trouble of everything4  ,i had      
scarcely any rest but what ,i found in  
the love of ,thy will1 ,o my ,god1 and  
submission to ,thy orders1 however      
rigorous they might be4 ,they           
incessantly watched my words and        
actions1 to find occasion against me4   
,they chided me all the day long1       
continually repeating1 and harping over 
and over the same things1 even before   
the servants4 ,how often have ,i made my
 meals on my tears1 which were          
interpreted as the most criminal in the 
world6 ,they said1 ,i would be damned2  
as if the tears would open ,hell for me1
 which surely they were more likely to  
extinguish4 ,if ,i recited anything ,i  
had heard1 they would render me         
accountable for the truth of it4 ,if ,i 
kept silence1 they taxed me with        

contempt and perverseness2 if ,i knew   
anything without telling it1 that was a 
crime2 if ,i told it1 then they said ,i 
had forged it4 ,sometimes they tormented
 me for several days successively1      
without giving me any relaxation4 ,the  
girls said1 ,i ought to feign sickness1 
to get a little rest4 ,i made no reply4 
,the love of ,god so closely possessed  
me1 that it would not allow me to seek  
relief by a single word1 or even by a   
look4 ,sometimes ,i said in myself1 ,oh1
 that ,i had but any one who could take 
notice of me1 or to whom ,i might       
unburden myself1--what a relief it would
 be to me6 ,but it was not granted me4  
,yet1 if ,i happened to be for some days
 freed from the exterior cross1 it was a
 most sensible distress to me1 and      
indeed a punishment more difficult to   
bear than the severest trials4 ,i then  
comprehended what ,st4 ,teresa says1    
,let me suffer or die4 ,for this absence
 of the cross was so grievous to me1    
that ,i languished with desire for its  

return4 ,but no sooner was this earnest 
longing granted1 and the blessed cross  
returned again1 than strange as it may  
seem1 it appeared so weighty and        
burdensome1 as to be almost             
insupportable4  ,though ,i loved my     
father extremely1 and he loved me       
tenderly1 yet ,i never spoke to him of  
my sufferings4 ,one of my relations1 who
 loved me very much1 perceived the      
little moderation they used toward me4  
,they spoke very roughly to me before   
him4 ,he was highly displeased1 and told
 my father of it1 adding1 that ,i would 
pass for a fool4 ,soon after ,i went to 
see my father1 who1 contrary to his     
custom1 sharply reprimanded me1 for     
suffering them to treat me in such a    
manner1 without saying anything in my   
own defence4 ,i answered1 ,if they knew 
what my husband said to me1 that was    
confusion enough for me1 without my     
bringing any more of it on myself by    
replies2 that if they did not notice it1
 ,i ought not to cause it to be         

observed1 nor expose my husband's       
weakness2 that remaining silent stopped 
all disputes1 whereas ,i might cause    
them to be continued and increased by my
 replies4 ,my father answered that ,i   
did well1 and that ,i should continue to
 act as ,god should inspire me4 ,and    
after that1 he never spoke to me of it  
any more4  ,they were ever talking to me
 against my father1 against my          
relations1 and all such as ,i esteemed  
most4 ,i felt this more keenly than all 
they could say against myself4 ,i could 
not forbear defending them1 and therein 
,i did wrong2 as whatever ,i said served
 only to provoke them4 ,if any          
complained of my father or relations1   
they were always in the right4 ,if any1 
whom they had disliked before1 spoke    
against them1 they were presently       
approved of4 ,if any showed friendship  
to me1 such were not welcome4 ,a        
relation whom ,i greatly loved for her  
piety1 coming to see me1 they openly bid
 her begone4 ,they treated her in such a

 manner as obliged her to go1 which gave
 me no small uneasiness4 ,when any      
person of distinction came1 they would  
speak against me2 even to those who knew
 me not1 which surprised them4 ,but when
 they saw me they pitied me4  ,it       
mattered not what they said against me1 
love would not allow me to justify      
myself4 ,i spoke not to my husband of   
what either my mother-in-law or the girl
 did to me1 except the first year1 when 
,i was not sufficiently touched with the
 power of ,god to suffer4 ,my           
mother-in-law and my husband often      
quarrelled4 ,then ,i was in favor1 and  
to me they made their mutual complaints4
 ,i never told the one what the other   
had said4 ,and though it might have been
 of service to me1 humanly speaking1 to 
take advantage of such opportunities1 ,i
 never made use of them to complain of  
either4 ,nay1 on the contrary1 ,i did   
not rest till ,i had reconciled them4 ,i
 spoke many obliging things of the one  
to the other1 which made them friends   

again4 ,i knew by frequent experience   
that ,i should pay dear for their       
reunion4 ,scarcely were they reconciled 
when they joined together against me4   
,i was so deeply engaged within1 as     
often to forget things without1 yet not 
anything which was of consequence4 ,my  
husband was hasty1 and inattention      
frequently irritated him4 ,i walked into
 the garden1 without observing anything4
 ,when my husband1 who could not go     
thither1 asked me about it1 ,i knew not 
what to say1 at which he was angry4 ,i  
went thither on purpose to notice       
everything1 in order to tell him and yet
 when there did not think of looking4 ,i
 went ten times one day1 to see and     
bring him an account and yet forgot it4 
,but when ,i did remember to look1 ,i   
was much pleased4 ,yet it happened ,i   
was then asked nothing about them4  ,all
 my crosses to me would have seemed     
little1 if ,i might have had liberty to 
pray and to be alone1 to indulge the    
interior attraction which ,i felt4 ,but 

,i was obliged to continue in their     
presence1 with such a subjection as is  
scarcely conceivable4 ,my husband looked
 at his watch1 if at any time ,i had    
liberty allowed me for prayer1 to see if
 ,i stayed more than half an hour4 ,if  
,i exceeded1 he grew very uneasy4       
,sometimes ,i said1 ,grant me one hour  
to divert and employ myself as ,i have a
 mind4 ,though he would have granted it 
to me for other diversions1 yet for     
prayer he would not4 ,i confess that    
inexperience caused me much trouble4 ,i 
have often thereby given occasion for   
what they made me suffer4 ,for ought ,i 
not to have looked on my captivity as an
 effect of the will of my ,god1 to      
content myself and to make it my only   
desire and prayer8 ,but ,i often fell   
back again into the anxiety of wishing  
to get time for prayer1 which was not   
agreeable to my husband4 ,those faults  
were more frequent in the beginning4    
,afterward ,i prayed to ,god in ,his own
 retreat1 in the temple of my heart1 and

 ,i went out no more4     ,,chapter #ag 
,we went into the country1 where ,i     
committed many faults4 ,i thought ,i    
might do it then because my husband     
diverted himself with building4 ,if ,i  
stayed from him he was dissatisfied4    
,that sometimes happened as he was      
continually talking with the workmen4 ,i
 set myself in a corner1 and there had  
my work with me1 but could scarcely do  
anything by reason of the force of the  
attraction which made the work fall out 
of my hands4 ,i passed whole hours this 
way1 without being able either to open  
my eyes or know what passed2 but ,i had 
nothing to wish for1 nor yet to be      
afraid of4 ,everywhere ,i found my      
proper center1 because everywhere ,i    
found ,god4  ,my heart could then desire
 nothing but what it had4 ,this         
disposition extinguished all its        
desires2 and ,i sometimes said to       
myself1 ,what wantest thou8 ,what       
fearest thou8 ,i was surprised to find  
upon trial that ,i had nothing to fear4 

,every place ,i was in was my proper    
place4  ,as ,i had generally no time    
allowed me for prayer but with          
difficulty1 and would not be suffered to
 rise till seven o'clock1 ,i stole up at
 four1 and kneeling in my bed1 ,i wished
 not to offend my husband and strove to 
be punctual and assiduous in everything4
 ,but this soon affected my health and  
injured my eyes1 which were still weak4 
,it was but eight months since ,i had   
the smallpox4 ,this loss of rest brought
 a heavy trial upon me4 ,even my        
sleeping hours were much broken1 by the 
fear of not waking in time1 ,i          
insensibly dropped asleep at my prayers4
 ,in the half hour that ,i got after    
dinner1 though ,i felt quite wakeful1   
the drowsiness overpowered me4 ,i       
endeavored to remedy this by the        
severest bodily inflictions1 but in     
vain4  ,as we had not yet built the     
chapel1 and were far from any church1 ,i
 could not go to prayers or sacrament   
without the permission of my husband4   

,he was very reluctant to permit me1    
except on ,sundays and holidays4 ,i     
could not go out in the coach1 so that  
,i was obliged to make use of some      
stratagems1 and to get service performed
 very early in the morning1 to which1   
feeble as ,i was1 ,i made an effort to  
creep on foot4 ,it was a quarter of a   
league distant4 ,really ,god wrought    
wonders for me4 ,generally1 in the      
mornings when ,i went to prayers1 my    
husband did not awake until after ,i was
 returned4 ,often1 as ,i was going out1 
the weather was so cloudy1 that the girl
 ,i took with me told me that ,i could  
not go2 or if ,i did1 ,i should be      
soaked with the rain4 ,i answered her   
with my usual confidence1 ,god will     
assist us4 ,i generally reached the     
chapel without being wet4 ,while there  
the rain fell excessively4 ,when ,i     
returned it ceased4 ,when ,i got home it
 began again with fresh violence4       
,during several years that ,i have acted
 this way1 ,i have never been deceived  

in my confidence4 ,when ,i was in town1 
and could find nobody1 ,i was surprised 
that there came to me priests to ask me 
if ,i was willing to receive the        
communion1 and that if ,i was they would
 give it to me4 ,i had no mind to refuse
 the opportunity which ,thou thyself    
offered me2 for ,i had no doubt of its  
being ,thee who inspired them to propose
 it4 ,before ,i had contrived to get    
divine service at the chapel ,i have    
mentioned1 ,i have often suddenly awoke 
with a strong impulse to go to prayers4 
,my maid would say1 ,but1 madam1 you are
 going to tire yourself in vain4 ,there 
will be no service4 ,for that chapel was
 not yet regularly served4 ,i went full 
of faith and at my arrival have found   
them just ready to begin4 ,if ,i could  
particularly enumerate the remarkable   
providences which were hereupon given in
 my favor there would be enough to fill 
whole volumes4  ,when ,i wanted to hear 
from1 or write to ,mother ,granger1 ,i  
often felt a strong propensity to go to 

the door4 ,there to find a messenger    
with a letter from her4 ,this is only a 
small instance of these kind of         
continual providences4 ,she was the only
 person ,i could be free to open my     
heart to1 when ,i could get to see her1 
which was with the greatest difficulty4 
,it was through providential assistance2
 because prohibited by my confessor and 
husband4 ,i placed an extreme confidence
 in ,mother ,granger4 ,i concealed      
nothing from her either of sins or      
pains4 ,i did not now practice any      
austerities but those she was willing to
 allow me4 ,my interior dispositions ,i 
was scarcely able to tell because ,i    
knew not how to explain myself1 being   
very ignorant of those matters1 having  
never read or heard of them4  ,one day  
when they thought ,i was going to see my
 father1 ,i ran off to ,mother ,granger4
 ,it was discovered1 and cost me        
crosses4 ,their rage against me was so  
excessive1 that it would seem           
incredible4 ,even my writing to her was 

extremely difficult4 ,i had the utmost  
abhorrence of a lie1 so ,i forbade the  
footman to tell any4 ,when they were met
 they were asked whither they were      
going1 and if they had any letters4 ,my 
mother-in-law set herself in a little   
passage1 through which those who went   
out must necessarily pass4 ,she asked   
them whither they were going and what   
they carried4 ,sometimes going on foot  
to the ,benedictines1 ,i caused shoes to
 be carried1 that they might not        
perceive by the dirty ones that ,i had  
been far4 ,i dared not go alone2 those  
who attended me had orders to tell of   
every place ,i went4 ,if they were      
discovered to fail1 they were either    
corrected or discharged4  ,my husband   
and mother-in-law were always inveighing
 against that good woman1 though in     
reality they esteemed her4 ,i sometimes 
made my own complaint and she replied1  
,how should you content them1 when ,i   
have been doing all in my power for     
twenty years to satisfy them without    

success8 ,for as my mother-in-law had   
two daughters under her care1 she was   
always finding something to say against 
everything she did in regard to them4   
,but the most sensible cross to me now  
was the revolting of my own son against 
me4 ,they inspired him with so great a  
contempt for me1 that ,i could not bear 
to see him without extreme affliction4  
,when ,i was in my room with some of my 
friends1 they sent him to listen to what
 we said4 ,as he saw this pleased them1 
he invented a hundred things to tell    
them4 ,if ,i caught him in a lie1 as ,i 
frequently did1 he would upbraid me1    
saying1 ,my grandmother says you have   
been a greater liar than ,i4 ,i         
answered1 ,therefore ,i know the        
deformity of that vice1 and how hard a  
thing it is to get the better of it2 and
 for this reason1 ,i would not have you 
suffer the like4 ,he spoke to me things 
very offensive4 ,because he saw the awe 
,i stood in of his grandmother and his  
father1 if in their absence ,i found    

fault with him for anything1 he         
insultingly upbraided me4 ,he said that 
now ,i wanted to be set up over him     
because they were not there4 ,all this  
they approved of4 ,one day he went to   
see my father and rashly began talking  
against me to him1 as he was used to    
doing to his grandmother4 ,but there it 
did not meet with the same recompense4  
,it affected my father to tears4 ,father
 came to our house to desire he might be
 corrected for it4 ,they promised it    
should be done1 and yet they never did  
it4 ,i was grievously afraid of the     
consequences of so bad an education4 ,i 
told ,mother ,granger of it1 who said   
that since ,i could not remedy it1 ,i   
must suffer and leave everything to     
,god4 ,this child would be my cross4    
,another great cross was the difficulty 
,i had in attending my husband4 ,i knew 
he was displeased when ,i was not with  
him2 yet when ,i was with him1 he never 
expressed any pleasure4 ,on the         
contrary1 he only rejected with scorn   

whatever office ,i performed4 ,he was so
 difficult with me about everything1    
that ,i sometimes trembled when ,i      
approached him4 ,i could do nothing to  
his liking2 and when ,i did not attend  
him he was angry4 ,he had taken such a  
dislike to soups1 that he could not bear
 the sight of them4 ,those that offered 
them had a rough reception4 ,neither his
 mother nor any of the domestics would  
carry them to him4 ,there was none but  
,i who did not refuse that office4 ,i   
brought them and let his anger pass2    
then ,i tried in some agreeable manner  
to prevail on him to take them4 ,i said 
to him1 ,i had rather be reprimanded    
several times a day1 than let you suffer
 by not bringing you what is proper4    
,sometimes he took2 at other times he   
pushed them back4  ,when he was in a    
good humor and ,i was carrying something
 agreeable to him1 then my mother-in-law
 would snatch it out of my hands4 ,she  
would carry it herself4 ,as he thought  
,i was not so careful and studious to   

please him he would fly in a rage       
against me and express great            
thankfulness to his mother4 ,i used all 
my skill and endeavors to gain my       
mother-in-law's favor by my presents1 my
 services2 but could not succeed4  ,how 
bitter and grievous1 ,o my ,god1 would  
such a life be were it not for ,thee6   
,thou hast sweetened and reconciled it  
to me4 ,i had a few short intervals from
 this severe and mortifying life4 ,these
 served only to make the reverses more  
keen and bitter4     ,,chapter #ah      
,about eight or nine months after my    
recovery from the smallpox1 ,father ,la 
,combe1 passing by our house1 brought me
 a letter from ,father de la ,motte1    
recommending him to my esteem1 and      
expressing the highest friendship for   
him4 ,i hesitated because ,i was very   
loath to make new acquaintances4 ,the   
fear of offending my brother prevailed4 
,after a short conversation we both     
desired a farther opportunity4 ,i       
thought that he either loved ,god1 or   

was disposed to love ,him1 and ,i wished
 everybody to love ,him4 ,god had       
already made use of me for the          
conversion of three of his order4 ,the  
strong desire he had of seeing me again 
induced him to come to our country house
 about half a league from the town4 ,a  
little incident which happened opened a 
way for me to speak to him4 ,as he was  
in discourse with my husband1 who       
relished his company1 he was taken ill  
and retired into the garden4 ,my husband
 bade me go and see what was the matter4
 ,he told me he had noticed in my       
countenance a deep inwardness and       
presence of ,god1 which had given him a 
strong desire of seeing me again4 ,god  
then assisted me to open to him the     
interior path of the soul1 and conveyed 
so much grace to him through this poor  
channel1 that he went away changed into 
quite another man4 ,i preserved an      
esteem for him2 for it appeared to me   
that he would be devoted to ,god2 but   
little did ,i then foresee1 that ,i     

should ever be led to the place where he
 was to reside4  ,my disposition at this
 time was a continual prayer1 without   
knowing it to be such4 ,the presence of 
,god was so plentifully given that it   
seemed to be more in me than my very    
self4 ,the sensibility thereof was so   
powerful1 so penetrating1 it seemed to  
me irresistible4 ,love took from me all 
liberty of my own4 ,at other times ,i   
was so dry1 ,i felt nothing but the pain
 of absence1 which was the keener to me1
 as the divine presence had before been 
so sensible4 ,in these alternatives ,i  
forgot all my troubles and pains4 ,it   
appeared to me as if ,i had never       
experienced any4 ,in its absence1 it    
seemed as if it would never return      
again4 ,i still thought it was through  
some fault of mine it was withdrawn1 and
 that rendered me inconsolable4 ,had ,i 
known it had been a state through which 
it was necessary to pass1 ,i should not 
have been troubled4 ,my strong love to  
the will of ,god would have rendered    

everything easy to me4 ,the property of 
this prayer was to give a great love to 
the order of ,god1 with so sublime and  
perfect a reliance on ,him1 as to fear  
nothing1 whether danger1 thunders1      
spirits1 or death4 ,it gives a great    
abstraction from one's self1 our own    
interests and reputation1 with an utter 
disregard to everything of the kind--all
 being swallowed up in the esteem of the
 will of ,god4  ,at home1 ,i was accused
 of everything that was ill done1       
spoiled or broken4 ,at first ,i told the
 truth1 and said it was not ,i4 ,they   
persisted1 and accused me of lying4 ,i  
then made no reply4 ,besides1 they told 
all their tales to such as came to the  
house4 ,but when ,i was afterward alone 
with the same persons1 ,i never         
undeceived them4 ,i often heard such    
things said of me1 before my friends1 as
 were enough to make them entertain a   
bad opinion4 ,my heart kept its         
habitation in the tacit consciousness of
 my own innocence1 not concerning myself

 whether they thought well or ill of me2
 excluding all the world1 all opinions  
or censures1 out of my view1 ,i minded  
nothing else but the friendship of ,god4
  ,if through infidelity ,i happened at 
any time to justify myself1 ,i always   
failed1 and drew upon myself new        
crosses1 both within and without4 ,but  
notwithstanding all this1 ,i was so     
enamored with it1 that the greatest     
cross of all would have been to be      
without any4 ,when the cross was taken  
from me for any short space1 it seemed  
to me that it was because of the bad use
 ,i made of it2 that my unfaithfulness  
deprived me of so great an advantage4 ,i
 never knew its value better than its   
loss4  ,i cried punish me any way1 but  
take not the cross from me4 ,this       
amiable cross returned to me with so    
much the more weight1 as my desire was  
more vehement4 ,i could not reconcile   
two things1 they appeared to me so very 
opposite4 #a7 ,to desire the cross with 
so much ardor4 #b7 ,to support it with  

so much difficulty and pain4  ,god knows
 well1 in the admirable economy he      
observes1 how to render the crosses more
 weighty1 conformable to the ability of 
the creature to bear them4 ,hereby my   
soul began to be more resigned1 to      
comprehend that the state of absence1   
and of wanting what ,i longed for1 was  
in its turn more profitable than that of
 always abounding4 ,this latter         
nourished self-love4 ,if ,god did not   
act thus1 the soul would never die to   
itself4 ,that principle of self-love is 
so crafty and dangerous1 that it cleaves
 to everything4  ,what gave me most     
uneasiness1 in this time of darkness and
 crucifixion1 both within and without1  
was an inconceivable readiness to be    
quick and hasty4 ,when any answer a     
little too lively escaped me1 7which    
served not a little to humble me17 they 
said ,i was fallen into a mortal sin4 ,a
 conduct no less rigorous than this was 
quite necessary for me4 ,i was so proud1
 passionate1 and of a humor naturally   

thwarting1 wanting always to carry      
matters my own way1 thinking my own     
reasons better than those of others4    
,hadst thou1 ,o my ,god1 spared the     
strokes of thy hammer1 ,i should never  
have been formed to ,thy will1 to be an 
instrument for ,thy use2 for ,i was     
ridiculously vain4 ,applause rendered me
 intolerable4 ,i praised my friends to  
excess1 and blamed others without       
reason4 ,but1 the more criminal ,i have 
been1 the more ,i am indebted to ,thee1 
and the less of any good can ,i         
attribute to myself4 ,how blind are men 
who attribute to others the holiness    
that ,god gives them6 ,i believe1 my    
,god1 that thou hast had children1 who  
under thy grace1 owed much to their own 
fidelity4 ,as for me1 ,i owe all to     
,thee2 ,i glory to confess it2 ,i cannot
 acknowledge it too much4  ,in acts of  
charity ,i was very assiduous4 ,so great
 was my tenderness for the poor1 that ,i
 wished to have supplied all their      
wants4 ,i could not see their necessity 

without reproaching myself for the      
plenty ,i enjoyed4 ,i deprived myself of
 all ,i could to help them4 ,the very   
best at my table was distributed4 ,there
 were few of the poor where ,i lived1   
who did not partake of my liberality4   
,it seemed as if ,thou hadst made me thy
 only almoner there1 for being refused  
by others1 they came to me4 ,i cried1 it
 is ,thy substance2 ,i am only the      
steward4 ,i ought to distribute it      
according to ,thy will4 ,i found means  
to relieve them without letting myself  
be known1 because ,i had one who        
dispensed my alms privately4 ,when there
 were families who were ashamed to take 
it in this way1 ,i sent it to them as if
 ,i owed them a debt4 ,i clothed such as
 were naked1 and caused young girls to  
be taught how to earn their livelihood1 
especially those who were handsome2 to  
the end that being employed1 and having 
whereon to live1 they might not be under
 a temptation to throw themselves away4 
,god made use of me to reclaim several  

from their disorderly lives4 ,i went to 
visit the sick1 to comfort them1 to make
 their beds4 ,i made ointments1 dressed 
their wounds1 buried their dead4 ,i     
privately furnished tradesmen and       
mechanics wherewith to keep up their    
shops4 ,my heart was much opened toward 
my fellow creatures in distress4 ,few   
indeed could carry charity much farther 
than our ,lord enabled me to do1        
according to my state1 both while       
married and since4  ,to purify me the   
more from the mixture ,i might make of  
,his gifts with my own self-love1 ,he   
gave me interior probations1 which were 
very heavy4 ,i began to experience an   
insupportable weight1 in that very piety
 which had formerly been so easy and    
delightful to me2 not that ,i did not   
love it extremely1 but ,i found myself  
defective in that noble practice of it4 
,the more ,i loved it1 the more ,i      
labored to acquire what ,i saw failed   
in4 ,but1 alas6 ,i seemed continually to
 be overcome by that which was the      

contrary to it4 ,my heart1 indeed1 was  
detached from all sensual pleasures4    
,for these several years past1 it has   
seemed to me that my mind is so detached
 and absent from the body1 that ,i do   
things as if ,i did them not4 ,if ,i    
eat1 or refresh myself1 it is done with 
such an absence1 or separation1 as ,i   
wonder at1 with an entire mortification 
of the keenness of sensation in all the 
natural functions4     ,,chapter #ai    
,to resume my history1 the smallpox had 
so much hurt one of my eyes1 that it was
 feared ,i would lose it4 ,the gland at 
the corner of my eye was injured4 ,an   
imposthume arose from time to time      
between the nose and the eye1 which gave
 me great pain till it was lanced4 ,it  
swelled all my head to that degree that 
,i could not bear even a pillow4 ,the   
least noise was agony to me1 though     
sometimes they made a great commotion in
 my chamber4 ,yet this was a precious   
time to me1 for two reasons4 ,first1    
because ,i was left in bed alone1 where 

,i had a sweet retreat without          
interruption2 the other1 because it     
answered the desire ,i had for          
suffering1--which desire was so great1  
that all the austerities of the body    
would have been but as a drop of water  
to quench so great a fire4 ,indeed the  
severities and rigors which ,i then     
exercised were extreme1 but they did not
 appease this appetite for the cross4   
,it is ,thou alone1 ,o ,crucified       
,saviour1 who canst make the cross truly
 effectual for the death of self4 ,let  
others bless themselves in their ease or
 gaiety1 grandeur or pleasures1 poor    
temporary heavens2 for me1 my desires   
were all turned another way1 even to the
 silent path of suffering for ,christ1  
and to be united to ,him1 through the   
mortification of all that was of nature 
in me1 that my senses1 appetites and    
will1 being dead to these1 might wholly 
live in ,him4  ,i obtained leave to go  
to ,paris for the cure of my eye2 and   
yet it was much more through the desire 

,i had to see ,monsieur ,bertot1 a man  
of profound experience1 whom ,mother    
,granger had lately assigned to me for  
my director4 ,i went to take leave of my
 father1 who embraced me with peculiar  
tenderness1 little thinking then that it
 would be our last adieu4  ,paris was a 
place now no longer to be dreaded as in 
times past4 ,the throngs only served to 
draw me into a deep recollection1 and   
the noise of the streets augmented my   
inward prayer4 ,i saw ,monsieur ,bertot1
 who did not prove of that service to   
me1 which he would have been if ,i had  
then the power to explain myself4       
,though ,i wished earnestly to hide     
nothing from him1 yet ,god held me so   
closely to ,him1 that ,i could scarcely 
tell anything at all4 ,as soon as ,i    
spoke to him1 everything vanished from  
my mind1 so that ,i could remember      
nothing but some few faults4 ,as ,i saw 
him very seldom1 and nothing stayed in  
my recollection1 and as ,i read of      
nothing any way resembling my case1 ,i  

knew not how to explain myself4         
,besides1 ,i desired to make nothing    
known1 but the evil which was in me4    
,therefore ,monsieur ,bertot knew me    
not1 even till his death4 ,this was of  
great utility to me1 by taking away     
every support1 and making me truly die  
to myself4  ,i went to pass the ten     
days1 from the ,ascension to            
,whitsuntide1 at an abbey four leagues  
from ,paris1 the abbess of which had a  
particular friendship for me4 ,here my  
union with ,god seemed to be deeper and 
more continued1 becoming always simple1 
at the same time more close and         
intimate4  ,one day ,i awoke suddenly at
 four o'clock in the morning1 with a    
strong impression on my mind that my    
father was dead4 ,at the same time my   
soul was in a very great contentment1   
yet my love for him affected it with    
sorrow1 and my body with weakness4      
,under the strokes and daily troubles   
which befell me1 my will was so         
subservient to ,thine1 ,o my ,god1 that 

it appeared absolutely united to it4    
,there seemed1 indeed1 to be no will    
left in me but ,thine only4 ,my own     
disappeared1 and no desires1 tendencies 
or inclinations were left1 but to the   
one sole object of whatever was most    
pleasing to ,thee1 be it what it would4 
,if ,i had a will1 it was in union with 
thine1 as two well tuned lutes in       
concert4 ,that which is not touched     
renders the same sound as that which is 
touched2 it is but one and the same     
sound1 one pure harmony4 ,it is this    
union of the will which establishes in  
perfect peace4 ,yet1 though my own will 
was lost ,i have found since1 in the    
strange states ,i have been obliged to  
pass through1 how much it had yet to    
cost me to have it totally lost4 ,how   
many souls are there which think their  
own wills quite lost1 while they are yet
 very far from it6 ,they would find they
 still subsist1 if they met with severe 
trials4 ,who is there who does not wish 
something for himself1 either of        

interest1 wealth1 honor1 pleasure1      
conveniency and liberty4 ,he who thinks 
his mind loose from all these objects1  
because he possesses them1 would soon   
perceive his attachment to them1 were he
 stripped of those he possessed4 ,if    
there are found in a whole age three    
persons so dead to everything1 as to be 
utterly resigned to providence without  
any exception1 they may well pass for   
prodigies of grace4  ,in the afternoon  
as ,i was with the abbess1 ,i told her  
,i had strong presentiments of my       
father's death4 ,indeed ,i could hardly 
speak1 ,i was so affected within4       
,presently one came to tell her that she
 was wanted in the parlor4 ,it was a    
messenger come in haste1 with an account
 from my husband that my father was ill4
 ,and as ,i afterward found1 he suffered
 only twelve hours4 ,he was therefore by
 this time dead4 ,the abbess returning1 
said1 ,here is a letter from your       
husband1 who writes that your father is 
taken violently ill4 ,i said to her1 ,he

 is dead1 ,i cannot have a doubt about  
it4  ,i sent away to ,paris immediately1
 to hire a coach1 to go the sooner2 mine
 waited for me at the midway4 ,i went   
off at nine o'clock at night4 ,they     
said4 ,i was going to destroy myself4 ,i
 had no acquaintance with me as ,i had  
sent away my maid to ,paris1 to put     
everything in order there4 ,being in a  
religious house1 ,i had no mind to keep 
a footman with me4 ,the abbess told me1 
that since ,i thought my father was     
dead1 it would be rashness in me to     
expose myself1 and run the risk of my   
life in that manner4 ,coaches could     
hardly pass the way ,i was going1 it    
being no beaten road4 ,i answered1 ,it  
was my indispensable duty to go to      
assist my father1 and that ,i ought not1
 on a bare apprehension1 to exempt      
myself from it4 ,i then went alone1     
abandoned to ,providence1 with people   
unknown4 ,my weakness was so great1 that
 ,i could hardly keep my seat in the    
coach4 ,i was often forced to alight1 on

 account of dangerous places in the     
road4  ,in this way ,i was obliged1     
about midnight1 to cross a forest1      
notorious for murders and robberies4    
,the most intrepid dreaded it2 but my   
resignation left me scarce any room to  
think at all about it4 ,what fears and  
uneasiness does a resigned soul spare   
itself6 ,all alone ,i arrived within    
five leagues of my own habitation1 where
 ,i found my confessor who had opposed  
me1 with one of my relations1 waiting   
for me4 ,the sweet consolation ,i had   
enjoyed1 when alone1 was now            
interrupted4 ,my confessor1 ignorant of 
my state1 restrained me entirely4 ,my   
grief was of such a nature that ,i could
 not shed a tear4 ,and ,i was ashamed to
 hear a thing which ,i knew but too     
well1 without giving any exterior mark  
of grief4 ,the inward and profound peace
 ,i enjoyed dawned on my countenance4   
,the state ,i was in did not permit me  
to speak1 or to do such things as are   
usually expected from persons of piety4 

,i could do nothing but love and be     
silent4  ,i found on my arrival at home1
 that my father was already buried      
because of the excessive heat4 ,it was  
ten o'clock at night4 ,all wore the     
habit of mourning4 ,i had traveled      
thirty leagues in a day and a night4 ,as
 ,i was very weak1 not having taken any 
nourishment1 ,i was instantly put to    
bed4  ,about two o'clock in the morning 
my husband got up1 and having gone out  
of my chamber1 he returned presently1   
crying out with all his might1 ,my      
daughter is dead6 ,she was my only      
daughter1 as dearly beloved as truly    
lovely4 ,she had so many graces both of 
body and mind conferred on her1 that one
 must have been insensible not to have  
loved her4 ,she had an extraordinary    
share of love to ,god4 ,often was she   
found in corners at prayer4 ,as soon as 
she perceived me at prayer1 she came and
 joined4 ,if she discovered that ,i had 
been without her1 she would weep        
bitterly and cry1 ,ah1 mamma1 you pray  

but ,i don't4 ,when we were alone and   
she saw my eyes closed she would        
whisper1 ,are you asleep8 ,then she     
would cry out1 ,ah no1 you are praying  
to our dear ,jesus4 ,dropping on her    
knees before me she would begin to pray 
too4 ,she was several times whipped by  
her grandmother1 because she said1 she  
would never have any other husband but  
our ,lord4 ,she could never make her say
 otherwise4 ,she was innocent and modest
 as a little angel2 very dutiful and    
endearing1 and withal very beautiful4   
,her father doted on her1 to me she was 
very dear1 much more for the qualities  
of her mind than those of her beautiful 
person4 ,i looked upon her as my only   
consolation on earth4 ,she had as much  
affection for me1 as her brother had    
aversion and contempt4 ,she died of an  
unseasonable bleeding4 ,but what shall  
,i say8 ,she died by the hands of ,him  
who was pleased1 for wise reasons of    
,his own1 to strip me of all4  ,there   
now remained to me only the son of my   

sorrow4 ,he fell ill to the point of    
death1 but was restored at the prayer of
 ,mother ,granger who was now my only   
consolation after ,god4 ,i no more wept 
for my child than for my father4 ,i     
could only say1 ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 gave   
her to me2 it pleases ,thee to take her 
back again1 for she was ,thine4 ,as for 
my father1 his virtue was so generally  
known1 that ,i must rather be silent1   
than enter upon the subject4 ,his       
reliance on ,god1 his faith and patience
 were wonderful4 ,both died in ,july1   
#afgb4 ,henceforth crosses were not     
spared me1 and though ,i had abundance  
of them hitherto1 yet they were only the
 shadows of those which ,i have been    
since obliged to pass through4 ,in this 
spiritual marriage ,i claimed for my    
dowry only crosses1 scourges1           
persecutions1 ignominies1 lowliness1 and
 nothingness of self1 which in ,god's   
great goodness1 and for wise ends1 as ,i
 have seen1 has been pleased to grant   
and confer upon me4  ,one day1 being in 

great distress on account of the        
redoubling of outward and inward        
crosses1 ,i went into my closet to give 
vent to my grief4 ,m4 ,bertot was       
brought into my mind1 with this wish1   
,oh1 that he was sensible of what ,i    
suffer6 ,though he wrote but very       
seldom1 and with great difficulty1 yet  
he wrote me a letter dated the same day 
about the cross4 ,it was the finest and 
most consolatory he ever wrote me on    
that subject4 ,sometimes my spirit was  
so oppressed with continual crosses1    
which scarcely gave me any relaxation1  
that when alone my eyes turned every    
way1 to see if they could find anything 
to give relief4 ,a word1 a sigh1 a      
trifle1 or to know that anyone took part
 in my grief1 would have been some      
comfort4 ,that was not granted me1 not  
even to look toward ,heaven1 or to make 
any complaint4 ,love held me then so    
closely1 that it would have this        
miserable nature to perish1 without     
giving it any support or nourishment4   

,oh1 my dearest ,lord6 ,thou yet gavest 
my soul a victorious support1 which made
 it triumph over all the weaknesses of  
nature1 and seized ,thy knife to        
sacrifice it without sparing4 ,and yet  
this nature so perverse1 and full of    
artifices to save its life1 at last took
 the course of nourishing itself on its 
own despair1 on its fidelity under such 
heavy and continual oppression4 ,it     
sought to conceal the value it          
attributed thereto4 ,but thy eyes were  
too penetrating not to detect the       
subtilty4 ,wherefore1 thou1 ,o my       
,shepherd1 changed ,thy conduct toward  
it4 ,thou sometimes comforted it with   
thy crook and ,thy staff2 that is to    
say1 by ,thy conduct as loving as       
crucifying2 but it was only to reduce it
 to the last extremity1 as ,i shall show
 hereafter4     ,,chapter #bj   ,a lady 
of rank1 whom ,i sometimes visited1 took
 a particular liking to me1 because 7as 
she was pleased to say7 my person and   
manners were agreeable4 ,she said that  

she observed in me something            
extraordinary and uncommon4 ,i believe  
it was the inward attraction of my soul 
that appeared on my very countenance4   
,one day a gentleman of fashion said to 
my husband's aunt1 ,i saw the lady your 
niece2 and it is very evident that she  
lives in the presence of ,god4 ,i was   
surprised at this1 as ,i little thought 
such an one as he could know what it was
 to have ,god thus present4 ,this lady  
of rank began to be touched with the    
sense of ,god4 ,wanting once to take me 
to the play1 ,i refused to go2 7,i never
 went to plays7 making use of the       
pretext of my husband's continual       
indispositions4 ,she pressed me         
exceedingly1 and said1 ,i should not be 
prevented by his sickness from taking   
some amusement and ,i was not of an age 
to be confined with the sick like a     
nurse4 ,i told her my reasons4 ,she then
 perceived that it was more from a      
principle of piety1 than the            
indispositions of my husband4 ,insisting

 to know my sentiment of plays1 ,i told 
her1 ,i entirely disapproved of them1   
and especially for a ,christian woman4  
,and as she was far more advanced in    
years than ,i was1 what ,i then said    
made such an impression on her mind1 she
 never went again4  ,once with her and  
another lady1 who was fond of talking   
and who had read the fathers1 they spoke
 much of ,god4 ,this lady spoke         
learnedly of ,him4 ,i said scarcely     
anything1 being inwardly drawn to       
silence1 and troubled at this           
conversation about ,god4 ,my            
acquaintance came next day to see me4   
,the ,lord had so touched her heart1 she
 could hold out no longer4 ,i attributed
 this to something the other lady had   
said1 but she said to me1 ,your silence 
had something in it which penetrated to 
the bottom of my soul4 ,i could not     
relish what the other said4 ,we spoke to
 one another with open hearts4  ,it was 
then that ,god left indelible           
impressions of ,his grace on her soul1  

and she continued so athirst for ,him1  
that she could scarcely endure to       
converse on any other subject4 ,that she
 might become wholly ,his1 ,he deprived 
her of a most affectionate husband4 ,he 
visited her with such severe crosses1   
and at the same time poured ,his grace  
so abundantly into her heart1 that ,he  
soon became the sole master thereof4    
,after the death of her husband1 and the
 loss of most of her fortune1 she went  
to reside four leagues from our house1  
on a small estate1 which was left4 ,she 
obtained my husband's consent to my     
going to spend a week with her1 to      
console her4 ,god gave her by my means  
all she wanted4 ,she had a great share  
of understanding1 but was surprised at  
my expressing things to her so far above
 my natural capacity4 ,i should have    
been surprised at it myself4 ,it was    
,god who gave me the gift for her sake1 
diffusing a flood of grace into her     
soul1 without regarding the unworthiness
 of the channel of which ,he was pleased

 to make use4 ,since that time her soul 
has been the temple of the ,holy ,ghost1
 and our hearts have been indissolubly  
united4  ,my husband and ,i took a      
little journey together1 in which both  
my resignation and humility were        
exercised1 yet without difficulty or    
constraint1 so powerful was the         
influence of divine grace4 ,we had all  
liked to have perished in a river4 ,the 
rest of the company in desperate fright 
threw themselves out of the coach1 which
 sunk in the moving sand4 ,i continued  
so much inwardly occupied1 that ,i did  
not once think of the danger4 ,god      
delivered me from it without my thought 
of avoiding it4 ,i was quite content to 
be drowned1 had ,he permitted it4 ,it   
may be said1 ,i was rash4 ,i believe ,i 
was so2 yet ,i rather chose to perish1  
trusting in ,god1 than make my escape in
 a dependence on myself4 ,what say ,i8  
,we do not perish1 but for want of      
trusting ,him4 ,my pleasure is to be    
indebted to ,him for everything4 ,this  

renders me content in my miseries1 which
 ,i would rather endure all my life     
long1 in a state of resignation to ,him1
 than put an end to them1 in a          
dependence on myself4 ,however1 ,i would
 not advise others to act thus1 unless  
they were in the same disposition which 
,i was in4  ,as my husband's maladies   
daily increased1 he resolved to go to   
,st4 ,reine4 ,he appeared very desirous 
of having none but me with him1 and told
 me one day1 ,if they never spoke to me 
against you1 ,i should be more easy1 and
 you more happy4 ,in this journey ,i    
committed many faults of self-love and  
self-seeking4 ,i was become like a poor 
traveler that had lost his way in the   
night and could find no way1 path1 or   
track4 ,my husband1 in his return from  
,st4 ,reine1 passed by ,st4 ,edm4       
,having now no children but my          
first-born son1 who was often at the    
gates of death1 he wished exceedingly   
for heirs1 and prayed for them          
earnestly4 ,god granted his desire1 and 

gave me a second son4 ,as ,i was several
 weeks without any one daring to speak  
to me1 on account of my great weakness1 
it was a time of retreat and of silence4
 ,i tried to indemnify myself for the   
loss of time ,i had sustained in the    
others1 to pray to ,thee1 ,o my ,god1   
and to continue alone with ,thee4 ,i may
 say that ,god took a new possession of 
me1 and left me not4 ,it was a time of  
continual joy without interruption4 ,as 
,i had experienced many inward          
difficulties and weaknesses it was a new
 life4 ,it seemed as if ,i was already  
in the fruition of beatitude4 ,how dear 
did this happy time cost me1 since it   
was only a preparative to a total       
privation of comfort for several years1 
without any support1 or hope of return6 
,it began with the death of ,mrs4       
,granger1 who had been my only          
consolation under ,god4 ,before my      
return from ,st4 ,reine ,i heard she was
 dead4  ,when ,i received this news1 ,i 
confess it was the most afflicting      

stroke ,i had ever felt4 ,i thought that
 had ,i been with her at her death ,i   
might have spoken to her and received   
her last instructions4 ,god has so      
ordered it that ,i was deprived of her  
assistance in almost all my losses1 in  
order to render the strokes more        
painful4 ,some months indeed before her 
death1 it was shown to me1 that though  
,i could not see her but with           
difficulty1 and suffering for it1 yet   
she was still some support to me4 ,the  
,lord let me know that it would be      
profitable for me to be deprived of her4
 ,but at the time she died ,i did not   
think so4 ,it was in that trying season 
when my paths were all blocked up1 she  
was taken from me4 ,she who might have  
guided me in my lonesome and difficult  
road1 bounded as it were with           
precipices1 and entangled with briars   
and thorns4  ,adorable conduct of my    
,god6 there must be no guide for the    
person whom ,thou art leading into the  
regions of darkness and death1 no       

conductor for the man whom thou art     
determined to destroy1 7that is1 to     
cause to die totally to himself74 ,after
 having saved me with much mercy1 after 
having led me by the hand in rugged     
paths1 it seems ,thou wast bent on my   
destruction4 ,may it not be said that   
,thou dost not save but to destroy1 nor 
go to seek the lost sheep1 but to cause 
it to be yet more lost2 that ,thou art  
pleased in building what is demolished1 
and in demolishing what is built4 ,thou 
wouldst overturn the temple built by    
human endeavors1 with so much care and  
industry1 in order as it were           
miraculously to erect a divine          
structure1 a house not built with hands1
 eternal in the ,heavens4 ,secrets of   
the incomprehensible wisdom of ,god1    
unknown to any besides ,himself6 ,man1  
sprung up only of a few days1 wants to  
penetrate1 and to set bounds to it4 ,who
 is it that hath known the mind of the  
,lord1 or who hath been ,his counselor8 
,is it a wisdom only to be known through

 death to everything1 and through the   
entire loss of all self8  ,my brother   
now openly showed his hatred for me4 ,he
 married at ,orleans and my husband had 
the complaisance to go to his marriage4 
,he was in a poor state of health1 the  
roads bad1 and so covered over with     
snow1 that we had like to have been     
overturned twelve or fifteen times4 ,yet
 far from appearing obliged by his      
politeness1 my brother quarreled with   
him more than ever1 and without reason4 
,i was the butt of both their           
resentments4 ,while ,i was at ,orleans1 
meeting with one whom at that time ,i   
thought highly of1 ,i was too forward   
and free in speaking to him of spiritual
 things1 thinking ,i was doing well1 but
 had a remorse for it afterwards4 ,how  
often we mistake nature for grace6 ,one 
must be dead to self1 when such         
fowardness comes from ,god only4  ,my   
brother treated me with the utmost      
contempt4 ,yet1 my mind was so fully    
drawn inward1 that although we had much 

more danger on the road than when going1
 ,i had no thought about myself1 but all
 about my husband4 ,seeing the coach    
overturning1 ,i said1 ,fear not1 it is  
on my side that it falls2 it will not   
hurt you4 ,i believe1 had all perished1 
,i should not have been moved4 ,my peace
 was so profound that nothing could     
shake it4 ,if these times continued1 we 
should be too strong4 ,they now began to
 come but seldom and were followed with 
long and wearisome privations4 ,since   
that time my brother has changed for the
 better1 and has turned on the side of  
,god1 but he has never turned to me4 ,it
 has been by particular permission of   
,god1 and the conduct of ,his providence
 over my soul1 that has caused him and  
other religious persons1 who have       
persecuted me1 to think they were       
rendering glory to ,god1 and doing acts 
of justice therein4 ,indeed1 it is just 
that all creatures should be treacherous
 to me1 and declare against me1 who have
 too many times been treacherous to     

,god1 and sided with ,his enemy4  ,after
 this there was a very perplexing       
affair4 ,to me it caused great crosses1 
and seemed designed for nothing else4 ,a
 certain person conceived so much malice
 against my husband1 that he was        
determined to ruin him if possible4 ,he 
found no other way to attempt it1 but by
 entering into a private engagement with
 my brother4 ,he obtained a power to    
demand1 in the name of the king's       
brother1 two hundred thousand livres1   
which he pretended that my brother and  
,i owed him4 ,my brother signed the     
processes1 upon an assurance given him  
that he should not pay anything4 ,i     
think his youth engaged him in what he  
did not understand4 ,this affair so     
chagrined my husband1 that ,i have      
reason to believe it shortened his days4
 ,he was so angry with me 7although ,i  
was innocent71 that he could not speak  
to me except in a fury4 ,he would give  
me no light into the affair1 and ,i did 
not know in what it consisted4 ,in the  

height of his rage1 he said he would not
 meddle with it1 but give me my portion1
 and let me live as ,i could4 ,on the   
other side1 my brother would not move in
 it1 nor suffer anything to be done4    
,the day of the trial1 after prayer1 ,i 
felt myself strongly pressed to go to   
the judges4 ,i was wonderfully assisted 
even so as to discover and unravel all  
the turns and artifices of this affair1 
without knowing how ,i could have been  
able to do it4 ,the first judge was so  
surprised to see the affair so different
 from what he had thought it before1    
that he himself exhorted me to go to the
 other judges1 and especially to the    
intendant1 who was just then going to   
court4 ,he was quite misinformed about  
the matter4 ,god enabled me to manifest 
the truth in so clear a light1 and gave 
such power to my words1 that the        
intendant thanked me for having so      
seasonably come to undeceive1 and set   
him right4 ,had ,i not done this1 he    
assured me the cause had been lost4 ,as 

they saw the falsehood of every point1  
they would have condemned the plaintiff 
to pay the costs1 if he had not been so 
great a prince1 who lent his name to the
 scheme4 ,to save the honor of the      
prince they ordered us to pay him fifty 
crowns4 ,hereby the two hundred thousand
 livres were reduced to only one hundred
 and fifty4 ,my husband was exceedingly 
pleased at what ,i had done4 ,my brother
 appeared as outrageous against me1 as  
if ,i had caused him some great loss4   
,thus moderately and at once ended an   
affair1 which had at first appeared so  
very weighty and alarming4     ,,chapter
 #ba   ,about this time ,i fell into a  
state of total privation which lasted   
nearly seven years4 ,i seemed to myself 
cast down like ,nebuchadnezzar1 to live 
among beasts2 a deplorable state1 yet of
 the greatest advantage to me1 by the   
use which divine wisdom made of it4     
,this state of emptiness1 darkness1 and 
impotency1 went far beyond any trials ,i
 had ever yet met4 ,i have since        

experienced1 that the prayer of the     
heart when it appears most dry and      
barren1 nevertheless is not ineffectual 
nor offered in vain4 ,god gives what is 
best for us1 though not what we most    
relish or wish for4 ,were people but    
convinced of this truth1 they would be  
far from complaining all their lives4   
,by causing us death ,he would procure  
us life2 for all our happiness1         
spiritual1 temporal and eternal1        
consists in resigning ourselves to ,god1
 leaving it to ,him to do in us and with
 us as ,he pleases1 and with so much the
 more submission2 as things please us   
less4 ,by this pure dependence on ,his  
,spirit1 everything is given us         
admirably4 ,our very weaknesses1 in ,his
 hand1 prove a source of humilition4 ,if
 the soul were faithful to leave itself 
in the hand of ,god1 sustaining all ,his
 operations whether gratifying or       
mortifying1 suffering itself to be      
conducted1 from moment to moment1 by    
,his hand1 and annihilated by the       

strokes of ,his ,providence1 without    
complaining1 or desiring anything but   
what it has2 it would soon arrive at the
 experience of the eternal truth1 though
 it might not at once know the ways and 
methods by which ,god conducted it      
there4  ,people want to direct ,god     
instead of resigning themselves to be   
directed by ,him4 ,they want to show    
,him a way1 instead of passively        
following that wherein ,he leads them4  
,hence many souls1 called to enjoy ,god 
,himself1 and not barely ,his gifts1    
spend all their lives in running after  
little consolations1 and feeding on     
them--resting there only1 making all    
their happiness to consist therein4  ,if
 my chains and my imprisonment in any   
way afflict you1 ,i pray that they may  
serve to engage you to seek nothing but 
,god for ,himself alone1 and never to   
desire to possess ,him but by the death 
of your whole selves1 never to seek to  
be something in the ways of the ,spirit1
 but choose to enter into the most      

profound nothingness4  ,i had an        
internal strife1 which continually      
racked me--two powers which appeared    
equally strong seemed equally to        
struggle for the mastery within me4 ,on 
the one hand1 a desire of pleasing      
,thee1 ,o my ,god1 a fear of offending1 
and a continual tendency of all my      
powers to ,thee--on the other side1 the 
view of all my inward corruptions1 the  
depravity of my heart1 and the continual
 stirring and rising of self4 ,what     
torrents of tears1 what desolations have
 these cost me8 ,is it possible1 ,i     
cried1 that ,i have received so many    
graces and favors from ,god only to lose
 them2--that ,i have loved ,him with so 
much ardor1 but to be eternally deprived
 of ,him2 that ,his benefits have only  
produced ingratitude2 ,his fidelity been
 repaid with infidelity2 that my heart  
has been emptied of all creatures1 and  
created objects1 and filled with ,his   
blessed presence and love1 in order now 
to be wholly void of divine power1 and  

only filled with wanderings and created 
objects6  ,i could now no longer pray as
 formerly4 ,heaven seemed shut to me1   
and ,i thought justly4 ,i could get no  
consolation or make any complaint2 nor  
had ,i any creature on earth to apply   
to4 ,i found myself banished from all   
beings without finding a support of     
refuge in anything4 ,i could no more    
practice any virtue with facility4      
,alas6 said ,i1 is it possible that this
 heart1 formerly all on fire1 should now
 become like ice6 ,i often thought all  
creatures combined against me4 ,laden   
with a weight of past sins1 and a       
multitude of new ones1 ,i could not     
think ,god would ever pardon me1 but    
looked on myself as a victim designed   
for ,hell4 ,i would have been glad to do
 penances1 to make use of prayers1      
pilgrimages1 and vows4 ,but still1      
whatever ,i tried for a remedy seemed   
only to increase the malady4 ,i may say 
that tears were my drink1 and sorrow my 
food4 ,i felt in myself such a pain as  

,i never could bring any to comprehend1 
but such as have experienced it4 ,i had 
within myself an executioner who        
tortured me without respite4 ,even when 
,i went to church1 ,i was not easy      
there4 ,to sermons ,i could give no     
attention2 they were now of no service  
or refreshment to me4 ,i scarcely       
conceived or understood anything in     
them1 or about them4     ,,chapter #bb  
,as my husband drew near his end1 his   
distempers had no intermission4 ,no     
sooner was he recovered from one when he
 fell into another4 ,he bore great pains
 with much patience offering them to    
,god and making a good use of them4 ,yet
 his anger toward me increased1 because 
reports and stories of me were          
multiplied to him1 and those about him  
did nothing but vex him4 ,he was the    
more susceptible of such impressions1 as
 his pains gave him a stronger bent to  
vexation4 ,at this time1 the maid1 who  
used to torment me sometimes took pity  
on me4 ,she came to see me as soon as ,i

 was gone into my closet1 and said1     
,come to my master that your            
mother-in-law may not speak any more to 
him against you4 ,i pretended to be     
ignorant of it all but he could not     
conceal his displeasure1 nor even suffer
 me near him4 ,my mother-in-law at the  
same time kept no bounds4 ,all that came
 to the house were witnesses of the     
continual scoldings1 which ,i was forced
 to bear1 and which ,i bore with much   
patience1 notwithstanding my being in   
the condition ,i have mentioned4  ,my   
husband having1 sometime before his     
death1 finished the building of the     
chapel in the country1 where we spent a 
part of the summer1 ,i had the          
conveniency of hearing prayers every    
day1 and of the communion4 ,not daring  
to do it openly every day1 the priest   
privately admitted me to the communion4 
,they solemnized the dedication of this 
little chapel4 ,i felt myself all on a  
sudden inwardly seized1 which continued 
more than five hours1 all the time of   

the ceremony1 when our ,lord made a new 
consecration of me to ,himself4 ,i then 
seemed to myself a temple consecrated to
 ,him1 both for time and for eternity4  
,i said within myself1 7speaking both of
 the one and the other7 ,may this temple
 never be profaned2 may the praises of  
,god be sung therein forever6 ,it seemed
 to me at that time as if my prayer was 
granted4 ,but soon all this was taken   
from me1 and not so much as any         
remembrance left to console me4  ,when  
,i was at this country house1 which was 
only a little place of retreat before   
the chapel was built1 ,i retired for    
prayer to woods and caverns4 ,how many  
times1 here1 has ,god preserved me from 
dangerous and venomous beasts6          
,sometimes1 unawares1 ,i kneeled upon   
serpents1 which were there in great     
plenty2 they fled away without doing me 
any harm4 ,once ,i happened to be alone 
in a little wood wherein was a mad bull2
 but he betook himself to flight4 ,if ,i
 could recount all the providences of   

,god in my favor1 it would appear       
wonderful4 ,they were indeed so frequent
 and continual1 that ,i could not but be
 astonished at them4 ,god everlastingly 
gives to such as have nothing to repay  
,him4 ,if there appears in the creature 
any fidelity or patience1 it is ,he     
alone who gives it4 ,if ,he ceases for  
an instant to support1 if ,he seems to  
leave me to myself1 ,i cease to be      
strong1 and find myself weaker than any 
other creature4 ,if my miseries show    
what ,i am1 ,his favors show what ,he   
is1 and the extreme necessity ,i am     
under of ever depending on ,him4  ,after
 twelve years and four months of        
marriage1 crosses as great as possible1 
except poverty which ,i never knew1     
though ,i had much desired it1 ,god drew
 me out of that state to give me still  
stronger crosses of such a nature as ,i 
had never met with before4 ,for if you  
give attention1 sir1 to the life which  
you have ordered me to write1 you will  
remark that my crosses have been        

increasing till the present time1 one   
removed to give place to another to     
succeed it1 still heavier than the      
former4 ,amid the troubles imposed upon 
me1 when they said1 ,i was in a mortal  
sin1 ,i had nobody in the world to speak
 to4 ,i could have wished to have had   
somebody for a witness of my conduct2   
but ,i had none4 ,i had no support1 no  
confessor1 no director1 no friend1 no   
councillor4 ,i had lost all4 ,and after 
,god had taken from me one after        
another1 ,he withdrew also ,himself4 ,i 
remained without any creature2 and to   
complete my distress1 ,i seemed to be   
left without ,god1 who alone could      
support me in such a deeply distressing 
state4  ,my husband's illness grew every
 day more obstinate4 ,he apprehended the
 approach of death1 and even wished for 
it1 so oppressive was languishing life4 
,to his other ills was great dislike to 
every sort of nourishment2 he did not   
take anything necessary to sustain life4
 ,i alone had the courage to get him to 

take what little he did4 ,the doctor    
advised him to go to the country4 ,there
 for a few days at first he seemed to be
 better1 when he was suddenly taken with
 a complication of diseases4 ,his       
patience increased his pain4 ,i saw     
plainly he could not live long4 ,it was 
a great trouble to me1 that my          
mother-in-law kept me from him as much  
as she could4 ,she infused into his mind
 such a displeasure against me1 that ,i 
was afraid lest he should die in it4 ,i 
took a little interval of time when she 
happened not to be with him1 and drawing
 near his bed1 ,i kneeled down and said 
to him1 ,that if ,i had ever done any   
thing that displeased him ,i begged his 
pardon1 assuring him it had not been    
voluntary4 ,he appeared very much       
affected4 ,as he had just come out of a 
sound sleep1 he said to me1 ,it is ,i   
who beg your pardon1 ,i did not deserve 
you4 ,after that time he was not only   
pleased to see me1 but gave me advice   
what ,i should do after his death2 not  

to depend on the people on whom now ,i  
depended4 ,he was for eight days very   
resigned and patient4 ,i sent to ,paris 
for the most skillful surgeon2 but when 
he arrived my husband was dead4  ,no    
mortal could die in a more ,christian   
disposition1 or with more courage than  
he did1 after having received the       
sacrament in a manner truly edifying4 ,i
 was not present when he expired1 for   
out of tenderness he made me retire4 ,he
 was above twenty hours unconscious and 
in the agonies of his death4 ,it was in 
the morning of ,july #ba1 #afgf1 that he
 died4 ,next day ,i entered into my     
closet1 in which was the image of my    
divine spouse1 the ,lord ,jesus ,christ4
 ,i renewed my marriage-contract1 and   
added thereto a vow of chastity1 with a 
promise to make it perpetual1 if ,m4    
,bertot my director1 would permit me4   
,after that ,i was filled with great    
joy1 which was new to me1 as for a long 
time past ,i had been plunged in the    
deepest bitterness4  ,as soon as ,i     

heard that my husband had expired1 ,oh1 
my ,god1 ,i cried1 thou hast broken my  
bonds1 and ,i will offer thee a         
sacrifice of praise4 ,after that ,i     
remained in a deep silence1 both        
exterior and interior1 quite dry and    
without any support4 ,i could neither   
weep nor speak4 ,my mother-in-law said  
very fine things1 and was very much     
commended for it by everyone4 ,they were
 offended at my silence1 which they     
attributed to want of resignation4 ,a   
friar told me1 that everyone admired the
 fine acts which my mother-in-law did2  
but as for me1 they heard me say        
nothing2 that ,i must sacrifice my loss 
to ,god4 ,but ,i could not say one      
single word1 let me strive as ,i would4 
,i was indeed very much exhausted4      
,although ,i was but recently delivered 
of my daughter1 yet ,i attended and sat 
up with my husband four and twenty      
nights before his death4 ,i was more    
than a year after in recovering from    
fatigue1 joined to my great weakness and

 pain both of body and of mind4 ,the    
great depression1 or dryness and        
stupidity which ,i was in1 was such that
 ,i could not say a word about ,god4 ,it
 bore me down in such a manner that ,i  
could hardly speak4 ,however1 ,i entered
 for some moments into the admiration of
 thy goodness1 ,o my ,god4 ,i saw well  
that my crosses would not fail1 since my
 mother-in-law had survived my husband4 
,also ,i was still tied1 in having two  
children given me in so short a time    
before my husband's death1 which        
evidently appeared the effect of divine 
wisdom2 for had ,i only my eldest son1  
,i would have put him in a college2 and 
have gone myself into the convent of the
 ,benedictines1 and so frustrated all   
the designs of ,god upon me4  ,i was    
willing to show the esteem ,i had for my
 husband1 in causing the most           
magnificent funeral to be made for him  
at my own expense4 ,i paid off the      
legacies he had left4 ,my mother-in-law 
violently opposed everything ,i could do

 for securing my own interests4 ,i had  
nobody to apply to for advice or help2  
for my brother would not give me the    
least assistance4 ,i was ignorant of    
business affairs2 but ,god1 independent 
of my natural understandings1 always    
made me fit for everything that pleased 
,him1 and supplied me with such a       
perfect intelligence that ,i succeeded4 
,i omitted not the least minutia1 and   
was surprised that in these matters ,i  
should know without ever having learned4
 ,i digested all my papers1 and         
regulated all my affairs1 without       
assistance from any one4 ,my husband had
 abundance of writings deposited in his 
hands4 ,i took an exact inventory of    
them1 and sent them severally to their  
owners1 which1 without divine           
assistance1 would have been very        
difficult for me2 because1 my husband   
having been a long time sick1 everything
 was in the greatest confusion4 ,this   
gained me the reputation of being a     
skillful woman4  ,there was one matter  

of great importance4 ,a number of       
persons1 who had been contending at law 
for several years1 applied to my husband
 to settle their affairs4 ,though it was
 not properly the business of a         
gentleman1 yet they applied to him1     
because he had both understanding and   
prudence2 and as he had a love for      
several of them1 he consented4 ,there   
were twenty actions one upon another1   
and in all twenty-two persons concerned1
 who could not get any end put to their 
differences1 by reason of new incidents 
continually falling out4 ,my husband    
charged himself with getting lawyers to 
examine their papers1 but died before he
 could make any procedure therein4      
,after his death ,i sent for them to    
give them their papers2 but they would  
not receive them1 begging of me that ,i 
would accommodate them1 and prevent     
their ruin4 ,it appeared to me as       
ridiculous1 as impossible1 to undertake 
an affair of so great consequence1 and  
which would require so long a           

discussion4 ,nevertheless1 relying on   
the strength and wisdom of ,god1 ,i     
consented4 ,i shut myself up about      
thirty days for all these affairs1      
without ever going out1 but to mass and 
to my meals4 ,the arbitration being at  
length prepared1 they all signed it     
without seeing it4 ,they were all so    
well satisfied therewith1 that they     
could not forbear publishing it         
everywhere4 ,it was ,god alone who did  
those things2 for after they were       
settled ,i knew nothing about them2 and 
if ,i now hear any talk of such things1 
to me it sounds like ,arabic4           
,,chapter #bc   ,being now a widow1 my  
crosses1 which one would have thought   
should have abated1 only increased4     
,that turbulent domestic ,i have often  
mentioned1 instead of growing milder1   
now that she depended on me became more 
furious than ever4 ,in our house she had
 amassed a good fortune1 and ,i settled 
on her1 besides1 an annuity for the     
remainder of her life1 for the services 

she had done my husband4 ,she swelled   
with vanity and haughtiness4 ,having    
been used to sit up so much with an     
invalid1 she had taken to drink wine1 to
 keep up her spirits4 ,this had now     
passed into a habit4 ,as she grew aged  
and weak1 a very little of it affected  
her4 ,i tried to hide this fault1 but it
 grew so that it could not be concealed4
 ,i spoke of it to her confessor1 in    
order that he might try1 softly and     
artfully to reclaim her from it2 but    
instead of profiting by her director's  
advice1 she was outrageous against me4  
,my mother-in-law1 who could hardly bear
 the fault of intemperance1 and had     
often spoken to me about it1 now joined 
in reproaching me and vindicating her4  
,this strange creature1 when any company
 came1 would cry out with all her might1
 that ,i had dishonored her1 thrown her 
into despair1 and would be the cause of 
her damnation1 as ,i was taking the     
ready course to my own4 ,yet ,god gave  
me an unbounded patience4 ,i answered   

only with mildness and charity all her  
passionate invectives1 giving her       
besides every possible mark of my       
affection4 ,if any other maid came to   
wait on me1 she would drive her back in 
a rage1 crying out1 that ,i hated her on
 account of the affection with which she
 had served my husband4 ,when she had   
not a mind to come1 ,i was obliged to   
serve myself2 and when she did come1 it 
was to chide me and make a noise4 ,when 
,i was very unwell1 as was often the    
case1 this girl would appear to be in   
despair4 ,from hence ,i thought it was  
from ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 that all this came
 upon me4 ,without thy permission1 she  
was scarcely capable of such            
unaccountable conduct4 ,she seemed not  
sensible of any faults1 but always to   
think herself in the right4 ,all those  
whom ,thou hast made use of to cause me 
to suffer1 thought they were rendering  
service to ,thee in so doing4  ,before  
my husband's death1 ,i went to ,paris on
 purpose to see ,monsieur ,bertot1 who  

had been of very little service to me as
 a director4 ,not knowing my state1 and 
,i being incapable of telling him of it1
 he grew weary of the charge4 ,at length
 he gave it up1 and wrote to me to take 
another director4 ,i made no doubt but  
,god had revealed to him my wicked      
state2 and this desertion of me seemed a
 most certain mark of my reprobation4   
,this was during the life of my husband4
 ,but now my renewed solicitations1 and 
his sympathy with me on my husband's    
death1 prevailed on him to resume my    
direction1 which to me still proved of  
very little service4 ,i went again to   
,paris to see him4 ,while there1 ,i     
visited him twelve or fifteen times1    
without being able to tell him anything 
of my condition4 ,i told him1 indeed1   
that ,i wanted some ecclesiastic to     
educate my son1 to rid him of his bad   
habits1 and of the wrong impressions he 
had conceived against me4 ,he found one 
for me1 of whom he had received very    
good recommendations4  ,i went to make a

 retreat with ,m4 ,bertot and ,madame de
 ,c4 ,all that time he spoke to me not a
 quarter of an hour at most4 ,as he saw 
that ,i said nothing to him1 for indeed 
,i knew not what to say1 as ,i had not  
spoken to him of the favors which ,god  
had conferred on me 7not from a desire  
to conceal them1 but because the ,lord  
did not permit me to do it1 as ,he had  
over me only the designs of death7 he   
therefore spoke to such as he looked    
upon to be more advanced in grace4 ,he  
let me alone as one for whom there was  
nothing to be done4 ,so well did ,god   
hide from him the situation of my soul1 
in order to make me suffer1 that he     
wanted to refer me1 thinking that ,i had
 not the spirit of prayer1 and that     
,mrs4 ,granger was mistaken when she    
told him ,i had4 ,i did what ,i could to
 obey him1 but it was entirely          
impossible4 ,on this account ,i was     
displeased with myself1 because ,i      
believed ,m4 ,bertot rather than my     
experience4 ,through this whole retreat 

my inclination1 which ,i discerned only 
by my resistance to it1 was to rest in  
silence and nakedness of thought4 ,in   
the settling of my mind therein ,i      
feared ,i was disobeying the orders of  
my director4 ,this made me think that ,i
 had fallen from grace4 ,i kept myself  
in a state of nothingness1 content with 
my poor low degree of prayer1 without   
envying the higher degree of others1 of 
which ,i judged myself unworthy4 ,i     
would have1 however1 desired much to do 
the will of ,god1 and to please ,him1   
but despaired altogether of ever        
attaining that desirable end4  ,there   
was in the place where ,i lived1 and had
 been for some years1 one whose doctrine
 was suspected4 ,he possessed a dignity 
in the church1 which always obliged me  
to have a deference for him4 ,as he     
understood how averse ,i was to all who 
were suspected of unsoundness in the    
faith1 and knowing that ,i had some     
credit in the place1 he used his utmost 
efforts to engage me in his sentiments4 

,i answered him with so much clearness  
and energy1 that he had not a word to   
reply4 ,this increased his desire to win
 me in order to do it1 to contract a    
friendship for me4 ,he continued to     
importune me for two years and a half4  
,as he was very polite1 and of an       
obliging temper1 and had a good share of
 learning1 ,i did not mistrust him4 ,i  
even conceived a hope of his conversion1
 in which ,i found myself mistaken4 ,i  
then ceased going near him4 ,he came to 
inquire why he could see me no more4 ,at
 that time he was so agreeable to my    
sick husband1 in his assiduities about  
him1 that ,i could not avoid him though 
,i thought the shortest and best way for
 me would be break off all acquaintance 
with him1 which ,i did after the death  
of my husband4 ,m4 ,bertot would not    
permit me to do it before4 ,when he now 
saw that he could not renew it1 he and  
his party raised up strong persecutions 
against me4  ,these gentlemen had at    
that time a method among them1 by which 

they soon knew who were of their party1 
and who were opposite4 ,they sent to one
 another circular letters1 by means of  
which1 in a very little time1 they cried
 me down on every side1 after a very    
strange manner4 ,yet this gave me little
 trouble4 ,i was glad of my new liberty1
 intending never again to enter into an 
intimacy with anyone1 which would give  
me so much difficulty to break4  ,this  
inability ,i was now in1 of doing those 
exterior acts of charity ,i had done    
before1 served this person with a       
pretext to publish that it was owing to 
him ,i had formerly done them4 ,willing 
to ascribe to himself the merit of what 
,god alone1 by ,his grace1 had made me  
do1 he went so far as to preach against 
me publicly1 as one who had been a      
bright pattern to the town1 but was now 
become a scandal to it4 ,several times  
he preached very offensive things4      
,though ,i was present at those sermons1
 and they were enough to weigh me down  
with confusion1 for they offended all   

that heard them1 ,i could not be        
troubled4 ,i carried in myself my own   
condemnation beyond utterance4 ,i       
thought ,i merited abundantly worse than
 all he could say of me1 and that1 if   
all men knew me1 they would trample me  
under their feet4 ,my reputation then   
was blasted by the industry of this     
ecclesiastic4 ,he caused all such as    
passed for persons of piety to declare  
against me4 ,i thought he and they were 
in the right and therefore quietly bore 
it all4 ,confused like a criminal that  
dares not lift up his eyes1 ,i looked   
upon the virtue of others with respect4 
,i saw no fault in others and no virtue 
in myself4 ,when any happened to praise 
me1 it was like a heavy blow struck at  
me1 and ,i said in myself1 ,they little 
know my miseries1 and from what state ,i
 have fallen4 ,when any blamed me1 ,i   
agreed to it1 as right and just4 ,nature
 wanted sometimes to get out of such an 
abject condition1 but could not find any
 way4 ,if ,i tried to make an outward   

appearance of righteousness1 by the     
practice of some good thing1 my heart in
 secret rebuked me as guilty of         
hypocrisy1 in wanting to appear what ,i 
was not2 and ,god did not permit that to
 succeed4 ,oh1 how excellent are the    
crosses of ,providence6 ,all other      
crosses are of no value4  ,i was often  
very ill and in danger of death1 and    
knew not how to prepare myself for it4  
,several persons of piety1 who had been 
acquainted with me1 wrote to me about   
those things which the gentleman spread 
about me4 ,i did not offer to justify   
myself1 although ,i knew myself innocent
 of the things whereof they accused me4 
,one day being in the greatest          
desolation and distress1 ,i opened the  
,new ,testament on these words1 ,my     
grace is sufficient for thee1 for my    
strength is made perfect in weakness4   
,that for a little time gave me some    
relief4     ,,chapter #bd   ,the ,lord  
took from me all the sensibility which  
,i had for the creatures1 or things     

created1 even in an instant1 as one     
takes off a robe4 ,after that time ,i   
had none for any whatsoever4 ,though ,he
 had done me that favor1 for which ,i   
can never be sufficiently grateful1 ,i  
was1 however1 neither more contented nor
 less confused by it4 ,my ,god seemed to
 be so estranged and displeased with me1
 that there remained nothing but the    
grief of having lost ,his blessed       
presence through my fault4 ,the loss of 
my reputation every day increasing1     
became sensible to my heart1 though ,i  
was not allowed to justify or bewail    
myself4  ,as ,i became always more      
impotent for every kind of exterior     
works1 as ,i could not go to see the    
poor1 nor stay at church1 nor practice  
prayer2 as ,i became colder toward ,god1
 in proportion as ,i was more sensible  
of my wrong steps1 all this destroyed me
 the more both in my own eyes and in    
those of others4 ,there were some very  
considerable gentlemen who made         
proposals for me1 and even such persons 

as according to the rules of fashion    
ought not to think of me4 ,they         
presented themselves during the very    
depth of my outward and inward          
desolation4 ,at first it appeared to me 
a means of drawing me out of the        
distress ,i was in4 ,but it seemed to me
 then notwithstanding my pains of body  
and mind1 that if a king had presented  
himself to me1 ,i would have refused him
 with pleasure1 to show thee1 ,o my     
,god1 that with all my miseries ,i was  
resolved to be thine alone4  ,if ,thou  
wouldst not accept of me1 ,i should at  
least have the consolation of having    
been faithful to ,thee to the utmost of 
my power4 ,for as to my inward state1 ,i
 never mentioned it to anybody4 ,i never
 spoke thereof1 nor of the suitors1     
though my mother-in-law would say that  
if ,i did not marry1 it was because none
 would have me4 ,it was sufficient for  
me that ,thou1 ,o my ,god1 knewest that 
,i sacrificed them to ,thee1 7without   
saying a word to anybody7 especially one

 whose high birth and amiable exterior  
qualities might have tempted both my    
vanity and inclination4 ,oh1 could ,i   
but have hoped1 to become agreeable to  
,thee1 such a hope would have been like 
a change from ,hell to ,heaven4 ,so far 
was ,i from presuming to hope for it1   
that ,i feared this sea of affliction   
might also be followed by everlasting   
misery1 in the loss of ,thee4 ,i dared  
not even desire to enjoy ,thee--,i only 
desired not to offend ,thee4  ,i was for
 five or six weeks at the last          
extremity4 ,i could not take any        
nourishment4 ,a spoonful of broth made  
me faint4 ,my voice was so gone1 that   
when they put their ears close to my    
mouth1 they could scarcely distinguish  
my words4 ,i could not see any hope of  
salvation1 yet was not unwilling to die4
 ,i bore a strong impression that the   
longer ,i lived the more ,i would sin4  
,of the two1 ,i thought ,i would rather 
choose ,hell than sin4 ,all the good1   
which ,god made me do1 now seemed to me 

evil or full of faults4 ,all my prayers1
 penances1 alms and charities1 seemed to
 rise up against me1 and heighten my    
condemnation4 ,i thought there appeared 
on the side of ,god1 on my own1 and from
 all creatures1 one general             
condemnation1 my conscience was a       
witness against me1 which ,i could not  
appease4 ,what may appear strange1 the  
sins of my youth did not then give me   
any pain at all4 ,they did not rise up  
in judgment against me1 but there       
appeared one universal testimony against
 all the good ,i had done1 and all the  
sentiments of evil ,i had entertained4  
,if ,i went to confessors1 ,i could tell
 them nothing of my condition4 ,if ,i   
could have told them1 they would have   
not understood me4 ,they would have     
regarded as eminent virtues1 what1 ,o my
 ,god1 thy eyes all pure and chaste     
rejected as infidelity4 ,it was then    
that ,i felt the truth of what ,thou    
hast said1 that ,thou judgest our       
righteousness4 ,oh1 how pure art thou6  

,who can comprehend it8 ,it was then    
that ,i turned my eyes on every side1 to
 see what way succor might come to me2  
but my succor could come no way but from
 ,him who made ,heaven and earth4 ,as ,i
 saw there was no safety for me1 or     
spiritual health in myself1 ,i entered  
into a secret complacency in seeing no  
good in myself whereon to rest1 or      
presume for salvation4 ,the nearer my   
destruction appeared1 the more ,i found 
in ,god ,himself1 wherewith to augment  
my trust and confidence1 notwithstanding
 ,he seemed so justly irritated against 
me4 ,it seemed to me that ,i had in     
,jesus ,christ all that was wanting in  
myself4 ,oh1 ye stout and righteous men6
 ,observe as much as ye please of       
excellence in what ye have done to the  
glory of ,god4 ,as for me1 ,i only glory
 in my infirmities1 since they have     
merited for me such a ,saviour6  ,all my
 troubles1 joined to the loss of my     
reputation1 which yet was not so great  
as ,i apprehended1 7it being only among 

a party7 rendered me so unable to eat1  
that it seemed wonderful how ,i lived4  
,in four days ,i did not eat as much as 
would make one very moderate repast4 ,i 
was obliged to keep my bed through mere 
weakness1 my body being no longer able  
to support the burden laid upon it4 ,if 
,i had thought1 known1 or heard tell1   
that there had ever been such a state as
 mine1 it would have exceedingly        
relieved me4 ,my very pain appeared to  
me to be sin4 ,spiritual books1 when ,i 
tried to read them1 all contributed only
 to augment it4 ,i saw in myself none of
 those states which they set down4 ,i   
did not so much as comprehend them4 ,and
 when they treated the pains of certain 
states1 ,i was very far from attributing
 any of them to myself4 ,i said to      
myself1 ,these persons feel the pains of
 divine operations2 but as to me1 ,i    
sin1 and feel nothing but my own wicked 
state4 ,i could have wished to separate 
the sin from the confusion of sin1 and  
provided ,i had not offended ,god1 all  

would have been easy to me4  ,a slight  
sketch of my last miseries1 which ,i am 
glad to let you know1 because in their  
beginning ,i omitted many infidelities1 
having had too much of an earnest       
attachment1 vain complaisance1          
unprofitable and tedious conversations1 
though self-love and nature made a sort 
of necessity for them2 but toward the   
latter part ,i could not have borne a   
speech too human1 nor the least thing of
 the kind4     ,,chapter #be   ,the     
first religious person that ,god made   
use of to draw me to ,himself1 to whom  
7according to his desire7 ,i had written
 from time to time1 wrote to me in the  
depth of my distress1 desiring me to    
write to him no more1 signifying his    
disapprobation of what came from me1 and
 that ,i displeased ,god greatly4 ,a    
father1 a ,jesuit1 who had esteemed me  
much1 wrote to me in like manner4 ,no   
doubt1 it was by ,thy permission1 they  
thus contributed to complete my         
desolation4 ,i thanked them for their   

charity1 and commended myself to their  
prayers4 ,it was then so indifferent to 
me to be decried of everybody1 even of  
the greatest saints1 that it added but  
little to my pain4 ,the pain of         
displeasing ,god1 and the strong        
propensity ,i felt in myself to all     
sorts of faults1 caused me most lively  
and sensible pain4  ,i had been         
accustomed from the beginning to dryness
 and privation4 ,i even preferred it to 
the state of abounding1 because ,i knew 
that ,i must seek ,god above all4 ,i had
 even at the first beginnings1 an       
instinct of my inmost soul to pass over 
every manner of thing whatsoever1 and to
 leave the gifts to run after the       
,giver4 ,but at this time my spirit and 
senses were in such a manner struck1 by 
,thy permission1 ,o my ,lord1 who wert  
pleased to destroy me without mercy1    
that the farther ,i went1 the more      
everything appeared to me a sin2 even   
crosses appeared to me no more crosses  
but real faults4 ,i thought ,i drew them

 all on myself by my imprudent words and
 actions1 ,i was like those1 who1       
looking through a colored glass1 behold 
everything of the same color with which 
it is stained4 ,had ,i been able to     
perform any exterior acts as formerly1  
or penances for my evil1 it would have  
relieved me4 ,i was forbidden to do the 
latter1 besides ,i grew so timorous1 and
 felt in myself such a weakness1 as made
 it appear impossible for me to do them4
 ,i looked on them with horror1 ,i found
 myself now so weak and incapable of    
anything of the kind4  ,i omit many     
things1 both of providences of the ,lord
 in my favor1 and of rugged paths       
through which ,i was obliged to pass4   
,but as ,i have only one general view1  
,i leave them in the knowledge of the   
,lord only4 ,afterward1 being forsaken  
of my director1 the coldness toward me  
which ,i remarked in the persons        
conducted by him1 gave me no more       
trouble1 nor indeed the estrangement of 
all the creatures1 on account of my     

inward humiliation4 ,my brother also    
joined with those who exclaimed against 
me1 even though he had never seen them  
before4 ,i believe it was the ,lord who 
conducted things in this way1 for my    
brother has worth1 and undoubtedly      
thought he did well in acting thus4  ,i 
was obliged to go about some business to
 a town where some near relations of my 
mother-in-law lived4 ,how did ,i find   
things changed there6 ,when ,i was there
 before1 they entertained me in a most  
elegant and obliging manner1 regaling me
 from house to house with emulation4    
,now they treated me with the utmost    
contempt1 saying1 they did it to revenge
 what ,i made their relation suffer4 ,as
 ,i saw the thing went so far1 and that 
notwithstanding all my care and         
endeavors to please her1 ,i had not been
 able to succeed1 ,i resolved to come to
 an explanation with her4 ,i told her   
that there was a current report that ,i 
treated her ill1 though ,i made it my   
study to give her every mark of my      

esteem4 ,if the report were true1 ,i    
desired her to allow me to remove from  
her2 for that ,i would not choose to    
stay to give her pain1 but only with a  
quite contrary view4 ,she answered very 
coldly1 ,i might do what ,i would2 for  
she had not spoken about it1 but was    
resolved to live apart from me4 ,this   
was fairly giving me my discharge1 and  
,i thought of taking my measures        
privately to retire4 ,as ,i had not1    
since my widowhood1 made any visits but 
such as were of pure necessity1 or      
charity1 there were found too many      
discontented spirits1 who made a party  
with her against me4 ,the ,lord required
 of me an inviolable secrecy of all my  
pains1 both exterior and interior4      
,there is nothing which makes nature die
 so much1 as to find neither support nor
 consolation4 ,in short ,i saw myself   
obliged to go out1 in the middle of     
winter1 with my children and my         
daughters' nurse4 ,at that time there   
was no house empty in the town1 so the  

,benedictines offered me an apartment in
 theirs4  ,i was now in a great strait2 
on one side fearing lest ,i was shunning
 the cross1 on the other side thinking  
it unreasonable to impose my stay on one
 to whom it was only painful4 ,besides  
what ,i have related of her behavior1   
which still continued1 when ,i went into
 the country to take a little repose she
 complained that ,i left her alone4 ,if 
,i desired her to come thither she would
 not4 ,if ,i said1 ,i dare not ask her  
to come1 for fear of incommoding her by 
changing her bed1 she replied1 ,it was  
only an excuse1 because ,i would not    
have her go2 and that ,i only went to be
 away from her4 ,when ,i heard that she 
was displeased at my being in the       
country1 ,i returned to the town4 ,then 
she could not bear to speak to me1 or to
 see me4 ,i accosted her without        
appearing to notice how she received it4
 ,instead of making me any answer1 she  
turned her head another way4 ,i often   
sent her my coach1 desiring her to come 

and spend a day in the country4 ,she    
sent it back empty1 without any answer4 
,if ,i passed some days there without   
sending it1 she complained aloud4 ,in   
short1 all ,i did to please her soured  
her1 ,god so permitting it4 ,she had in 
the main a good heart1 but was troubled 
with an uneasy temper3 and ,i do not    
fail to think myself under much         
obligation to her4  ,being with her on  
,christmas day1 ,i said to her with much
 affection3 ,my mother1 on this day was 
the ,king of peace born1 to bring it to 
us2 ,i beg peace of you in ,his name4 ,i
 think that touched her1 though she     
would not let it appear4 ,the           
ecclesiastic1 whom ,i had met with at   
home1 far from strengthening and        
comforting me1 did nothing but weaken   
and afflict me1 telling me that ,i ought
 not to suffer certain things4 ,i had   
not credit enough to discharge any      
domestic1 however defective or culpable4
 ,as soon as any of them were warned to 
go away1 she sided with them1 and all   

her friends interfered4 ,as ,i was ready
 to go off1 one of my mother-in-law's   
friends1 a man of worth1 who had always 
an esteem for me1 without daring to show
 it1 having heard it1 was much afraid   
lest ,i should leave the town2 for the  
removal of my alms1 he thought1 would be
 a loss to the country4 ,he resolved to 
speak to my mother-in-law in the softest
 manner he could for he knew her4 ,after
 he had spoken to her1 she said1 that   
she would not put me away1 but if ,i    
went1 she would not hinder me4 ,after   
this he came to see me1 and desired me  
to go and make an excuse to her1 in     
order to content her4 ,i told him1 ,i   
should be willing to make a hundred1    
although ,i did not know about what2    
that ,i did it continually about        
everything1 which made her uneasy4 ,but 
that was not now the matter1 for ,i make
 no complaint of her1 but thought it not
 proper for me to continue with her1 to 
give her pain2 that it was but just that
 ,i should contribute to her ease4      

,however1 he went with me into her room4
 ,then ,i told her1 that ,i begged her  
pardon1 if ever ,i had displeased her in
 anything1 that it had never been my    
intention to do it2 that ,i desired her1
 before this gentleman1 who was her     
friend1 to tell me wherein ,i had given 
her any offense4 ,here ,god permitted2  
she made a declaration of the truth in  
his presence4 ,she said1 ,she was not a 
person to suffer herself to be offended2
 that she had no other complaint against
 me but that ,i did not love her1 and   
that ,i wished her dead4 ,i answered her
 that these thoughts were far from my   
heart1 so far from it1 that ,i should be
 glad1 by my best care and attendance on
 her1 to prolong her days2 that my      
affection was real1 but that she never  
would be persuaded to believe it1       
whatever testimonies ,i could give1 so  
long as she hearkened to people who     
spoke to her against me2 that she had   
with her a maid1 who1 far from showing  
me any respect1 treated me ill1 so far  

as to push me when she wanted to pass   
by4 ,she had done it at church1 making  
me give way to her with as much violence
 as contempt1 several times1 also1 in my
 room grating me with her words3 that ,i
 had never complained of it1 because    
such a temper might one day give her    
trouble4 ,she took the girl's part4     
,nevertheless we embraced and it was    
left so4 ,soon after1 when ,i was in the
 country1 this maid1 having me no more  
to vent her chagrins on behaved in such 
a manner to my mother-in-law that she   
could not bear it4 ,she immediately put 
her out of doors4 ,i must say here on my
 mother-in-law's behalf1 that she had   
both sense and virtue1 and except       
certain faults1 which persons who do not
 practice prayer are liable to1 she had 
good qualities4 ,perhaps ,i caused      
crosses to her without intending it1 and
 she to me without knowing it4 ,i hope  
what ,i write will not be seen by any   
who may be offended with it1 or who may 
not be in a condition to see these      

matters in ,god4  ,that gentleman who   
had used me so ill1 for breaking off my 
acquaintance with him1 among his        
penitents had one who1 for affairs which
 befell her husband1 was obliged to quit
 the country4 ,he himself was accused of
 the same things which he had so        
liberally and unjustly accused me1 and  
even things much worse1 and with more   
noise and outcry4 ,though ,i well knew  
all this1 ,god granted me the favor     
never to make his downfall the subject  
of my discourse4 ,on the contrary1 when 
any spoke to me of it1 ,i pitied him1   
and said what ,i could in mitigation of 
his case4 ,and ,god governed my heart so
 well1 that it never offered to go into 
any vain joy at seeing him overtaken1   
and oppressed1 with those kind of evils 
which he had been so assiduous in       
endeavoring to bring upon me4 ,though ,i
 knew that my mother-in-law was informed
 of it all1 ,i never spoke to her about 
it1 or about the sad confusions he had  
caused in a certain family4             

,,chapter #bf   ,one day during my      
husband's lifetime1 laden with sorrow1  
not knowing what to do1 ,i wished to    
speak to a person of distinction1 and   
merit1 who came often into the country4 
,i wrote to request an opportunity with 
him1 for that ,i wanted his instruction 
and advice4 ,but soon after ,i felt     
remorse for it2 this voice spoke in my  
heart1 ,what1--dost thou seek for ease1 
and to shake off my yoke8 ,hereupon ,i  
instantly sent a note again to desire   
him to excuse me1 adding that what ,i   
had written was only from self-love1 not
 necessity2 that as he knew what it was 
to be faithful to ,god1 ,i hoped he     
would not disapprove my acting with this
 ,christian simplicity4 ,yet he resented
 it1 which surprised me much1 as ,i had 
conceived a high idea of his virtue4    
,virtues he had1 but such as are full of
 the life and activities of nature1 and 
unacquainted with the paths of          
mortification and death4  ,thou1 ,o my  
,god1 hast been my conductor even in    

these paths1 as with admiration ,i have 
discovered since they are past4 ,blessed
 be ,thy name forever4 ,i am obliged to 
bear this testimony to ,thy goodness4   
,before ,i continue my narration1 ,i    
must add one remark1 which the ,lord    
gave me to make upon the way by which   
,he1 in ,his goodness1 was pleased to   
conduct me2 which is1 that this obscure 
path is the surest to mortify the soul1 
as it leaves it not any prop to lean    
upon for support4 ,though it has no     
application to any particular state of  
,jesus ,christ2 yet1 at its coming out1 
it finds itself clothed with all ,his   
dispositions4 ,the impure and selfish   
soul1 is hereby purified1 as gold in the
 furnace4 ,full of its own judgment and 
its own will before1 but now obeys like 
a child and finds no other will in      
itself4 ,before1 it would have contested
 for a trifle2 now it yields at once1   
not with reluctance and pain by way of  
practicing virtue1 but as it were       
naturally4 ,its own vices are vanished4 

,this creature so vain before now loves 
nothing but poverty1 littleness and     
humiliation4 ,before1 it preferred      
itself above everybody2 now everybody   
above itself1 having a boundless charity
 for its neighbor1 to bear with his     
faults and weaknesses1 in order to win  
him by love1 which before it could not  
do but with very great constraint4 ,the 
rage of the wolf is changed to the      
meekness of the lamb4  ,during all the  
time of my experiencing my miseries and 
my deep trials1 ,i went after no fine   
sights or recreations4 ,i wanted to see 
and know nothing but ,jesus ,christ4 ,my
 closet was my only diversion4 ,even    
when the queen was near me1 whom ,i had 
never seen1 and whom ,i had desire      
enough to see2 ,i had only to open my   
eyes1 and look out to see her2 yet did  
not do it4 ,i had been fond of hearing  
others sing2 yet ,i was once four days  
with one who passed for the finest voice
 in the world1 without ever desiring her
 to sing2 which surprised her1 because  

she was not ignorant that1 knowing her  
name1 ,i must know the charming         
excellence of her voice4 ,however1 ,i   
committed some infidelities1 in         
inquiring what others said of me by way 
of blame4 ,i met with one who told me   
everything4 ,though ,i showed nothing of
 it1 it served only to mortify me4 ,i   
saw ,i was yet too much alive to self4  
,i shall never be able to express the   
number of my miseries4 ,they are so     
vastly surmounted by the favours of     
,god1 and so swallowed up in these that 
,i can see them no more4 ,one of the    
things which gave me most pain in the   
seven years ,i have spoken of1          
especially the last five1 was so strange
 a folly of my imagination that it gave 
me no rest4 ,my senses bore it company4 
,i could no more shut my eyes at church4
 ,thus having all the gates and avenues 
open1 ,i was like a vineyard exposed1   
because the hedges which the father of  
the family had planted were torn away4  
,i saw every one that came and went1 and

 everything that passed in the church4  
,for the same force1 which had drawn me 
inward to recollection1 seemed to push  
me outward to dissipation4  ,laden with 
miseries1 weighed down with oppressions1
 and crushed under continual crosses1 ,i
 thought of nothing but ending my days  
thus4 ,there remained in me not the     
least hope of ever emerging4            
,notwithstanding1 ,i thought ,i had lost
 grace forever1 and the salvation which 
it merits for us1 ,i longed at least to 
do what ,i could for ,god1 though ,i    
feared ,i should never love ,him4       
,seeing the happy state from whence ,i  
had fallen1 ,i wished in gratitude to   
serve ,him1 though ,i looked on myself  
as a victim doomed to destruction4      
,sometimes the view of that happy period
 caused secret desires to spring up in  
my heart1 of recovering it again4 ,i was
 instantly rejected and thrown back into
 the depth of the abyss2 ,i judged      
myself to be in a state which was due to
 unfaithful souls4 ,i seemed1 my ,god1  

as if ,i was forever cast off from ,thy 
regard1 and from that of all creatures4 
,by degrees my state ceased to be       
painful4 ,i became even insensible to   
it1 and my insensibility seemed like the
 final hardening of my reprobation4 ,my 
coldness appeared to me a mortal        
coldness4 ,it was truly so1 ,o my ,god1 
since ,i thus died to self1 in order to 
live wholly in ,thee1 and in thy        
precious love4  ,to resume my history1 a
 servant of mine wanted to become a     
,barnabite4 ,i wrote about it to ,father
 de la ,mothe4 ,he answered me1 that ,i 
must address ,father ,la ,combe1 who was
 then the superior of the ,barnabites of
 ,tonon4 ,that obliged me to write to   
him4 ,i had always preserved secret     
respect and esteem for him1 as one under
 grace4 ,i was glad of this opportunity 
of recommending myself to his prayers4  
,i wrote to him about my fall from the  
grace of ,god1 that ,i had requited ,his
 favors with the blackest ingratitude2  
that ,i was miserable1 and a subject    

worthy of compassion2 and far from      
having advanced toward ,god1 ,i was     
become entirely alienated from ,him4 ,he
 answered in such a manner1 as if he had
 known1 by a supernatural light1 the    
frightful description ,i had given of   
myself4  ,in the midst of my miseries1  
,geneva came into my mind1 a singular   
manner1 which caused me many fears4     
,what1 said ,i1 to complete my          
reprobation1 shall ,i go to such an     
excess of impiety1 as to quit the faith 
through apostacy8 7,the inhabitants of  
,geneva being generally ,protestant     
,calvinists47 ,am ,i then about quitting
 that church1 for which ,i would give a 
thousand lives8 ,or1 shall ,i ever      
depart from that faith which ,i would   
even wish to seal with my blood8 ,i had 
such a distrust of myself1 that ,i dared
 hope for nothing1 but had a thousand   
reasons for fear4 ,nevertheless the     
letter which ,i had received from       
,father ,la ,combe1 in which he wrote me
 an account of his present disposition1 

somewhat similar to mine1 had such an   
effect1 as to restore peace and calmness
 to my mind4 ,i felt myself inwardly    
united to him1 as to a person of great  
fidelity to the grace of ,god4          
,afterward a woman appeared to me in a  
dream to be come down from ,heaven1 to  
tell me that ,god demanded me at        
,geneva4  ,about eight or ten days      
before ,magdalene's day1 #afhj1 it came 
into my mind to write to ,father ,la    
,combe1 and to request him1 if he       
received my letter before that day1 to  
pray particularly for me4 ,it was so    
ordered1 contrary even to my            
expectations1 that he received my letter
 on ,st4 ,magdalene's eve1 and when     
praying for me the next day1 it was said
 to him1 thrice over1 with much power1  
,ye shall both dwell in one and the same
 place4 ,he was very much surprised1 as 
he never had received interior words    
before4 ,i believe1 ,o my ,god1 that    
that has been much more verified1 both  
in our inward sense and experience1 and 

in the same crucifying events which have
 befallen us1 pretty much alike2 and in 
,thyself1 who art our dwelling1 than in 
any temporal abode4     ,,chapter #bg   
,on that happy ,magdalene's ,day my soul
 was perfectly delivered from all its   
pains4 ,it had already begun since the  
receipt of the first letter from ,father
 ,la ,combe1 to recover a new life4 ,it 
was then only like that of a dead person
 raised1 though not yet unbound from    
grave clothes4 ,on this day ,i was1 as  
it were1 in perfect life1 and set wholly
 at liberty4 ,i found myself as much    
raised above nature1 as before ,i had   
been depressed under its burden4 ,i was 
inexpressibly overjoyed to find ,him1   
whom ,i thought ,i had lost forever1    
returned to me again with unspeakable   
magnificence and purity4 ,it was then1  
,o ,god1 that ,i found again in ,thee   
with new advantages1 in an ineffable    
manner1 all ,i had been deprived of2 the
 peace ,i now possessed was all holy1   
heavenly and inexpressible4 ,all ,i had 

enjoyed before was only a peace1 a gift 
of ,god1 but now ,i received and        
possessed the ,god of peace4 ,yet the   
remembrance of my past miseries still   
brought a fear upon me1 lest nature     
should find means to take to itself any 
part therein4 ,as soon as it wanted to  
see or taste anything1 the ,spirit ever 
watchful crossed and repelled it4 ,i was
 far from elevating myself1 or          
attributing to myself anything of this  
new state4 ,my experience made me       
sensible of what ,i was4  ,i hoped ,i   
should enjoy this happy state for some  
time1 but little did ,i think my        
happiness so great and immutable as it  
was4 ,if one may judge of a good by the 
trouble which precedes it1 ,i leave mine
 to be judged of by the sorrows ,i had  
undergone before my attaining it4 ,the  
apostle ,paul tells us1 that the        
sufferings of this life are not to be   
compared with the glory that is prepared
 for us4 ,how true is that of this life6
 ,one day of this happiness was worth   

more than years of suffering4 ,it was   
indeed1 at that time well worth all ,i  
had undergone1 though it was then only  
dawning4 ,an alacrity for doing good was
 restored to me1 greater than ever4 ,it 
seemed to me all quite free and natural 
to me4 ,at the beginning1 this liberty  
was less extensive2 but as ,i advanced  
it grew greater4 ,i had occasion to see 
,mon4 ,bertot for a few moments1 and    
told him1 ,i thought my state much      
changed4 ,he1 seemingly attentive to    
something else1 answered1 ,no4 ,i       
believed him2 because grace taught me to
 prefer the judgment of others1 and     
rather believe them than my own opinions
 or experience4 ,this did not give me   
any kind of trouble4 ,every state seemed
 equally indifferent if ,i only had the 
favor of ,god4 ,i felt a kind of        
beatitude every day increasing in me4 ,i
 did all sorts of good1 without         
selfishness or premeditation4 ,whenever 
a self-reflective thought was presented 
to my mind1 it was instantly rejected1  

and as it were a curtain in the soul    
drawn before it4 ,my imagination was    
kept so fixed1 that ,i had now very     
little trouble on that4 ,i wondered at  
the clearness of my mind and the purity 
of my whole heart4  ,i received a letter
 from ,father ,la ,combe1 wherein he    
wrote that ,god had discovered to him   
that he had great designs in regard to  
me4 ,let them be1 then said ,i to       
myself1 either of justice or mercy1 all 
is equal to me4 ,i still had ,geneva    
deeply at heart2 but said nothing of it 
to anybody1 waiting for ,god to make    
known to me ,his all powerful will and  
fearing lest any stratagem of the ,devil
 should be concealed therein1 that might
 tend to draw me out of my proper place1
 or steal me out of my condition4 ,the  
more ,i saw my own misery1 incapacity   
and nothingness1 the plainer it appeared
 that they rendered me fitter for the   
designs of ,god1 whatever they might be4
 ,oh1 my ,lord1 said ,i1 take the weak  
and the wretched to do thy works1 that  

,thou mayest have all the glory and that
 man may attribute nothing of them to   
himself4 ,if ,thou shouldst take a      
person of eminence and great talents1   
one might attribute to him something2   
but if ,thou takest me1 it will be      
manifest that thou alone art the ,author
 of whatever good shall be done4 ,i     
continued quiet in my spirit1 leaving   
the whole affair to ,god1 being         
satisfied1 if ,he should require        
anything of me1 that ,he would furnish  
me with the means of performing it4 ,i  
held myself in readiness with a full    
resolution to execute ,his orders1      
whenever he should make them known1     
though it were to the laying down of my 
life4 ,i was released from all crosses4 
,i resumed my care of the sick1 and     
dressing of wounds1 and ,god gave me to 
cure the most desperate4 ,when surgeons 
could do no more1 it was then that ,god 
made me cure them4  ,oh1 the joy that   
accompanied me everywhere1 finding still
 ,him who had united me to ,himself1 in 

,his own immensity and boundless        
vastitude6 ,oh1 how truly did ,i        
experience what ,he said in the ,gospel1
 by the four evangelists1 and by one of 
them twice over1 ,whosoever will lose   
his life for my sake shall find it2 and 
whosoever will save his life shall lose 
it4  ,when ,i had lost all created      
supports1 and even divine ones1 ,i then 
found myself happily compelled to fall  
into the pure divine1 and to fall into  
it through all those very things which  
seemed to remove me further from it4 ,in
 losing all the gifts1 with all their   
supports1 ,i found the ,giver4 ,in      
losing the sense and perception of ,thee
 in myself--,i found ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 
to lose ,thee no more in ,thyself1 in   
,thy own immutability4 ,oh1 poor        
creatures1 who pass all your time in    
feeding upon the gifts of ,god1 and     
think therein to be the most favored and
 happy4 ,how ,i pity you if you stop    
here1 short of the true rest1 and cease 
to go forward to ,god ,himself1 through 

the loss of those cherished gifts which 
you now delight in6 ,how many pass all  
their lives in this way1 and think      
highly of themselves6 ,there are others 
who1 being called of ,god to die to     
themselves1 yet pass all their time in a
 dying life1 in inward agonies1 without 
ever entering into ,god through death   
and a total loss of self1 because they  
are always willing to retain something  
under plausible pretexts1 and so never  
lose themselves to the whole extent of  
the designs of ,god4 ,they never enjoy  
,god in all ,his fullness2 which is a   
loss that cannot be perfectly known in  
this life4  ,oh1 my ,lord1 what         
happiness did ,i not largely taste in my
 solitude1 and with my little family1   
where nothing interrupted my            
tranquillity6 ,as ,i was in the country1
 the slender age of my children did not 
require my application too much1 they   
being in good hands1 ,i retired a great 
part of the day into a wood4 ,i passed  
as many days of happiness as ,i had had 

months of sorrow4 ,thou1 ,o my ,god1    
dealt by me as by thy servant ,job1     
rendering me double for all thou hadst  
taken1 and delivering me from all my    
crosses4 ,thou gavest me a marvelous    
facility to satisfy everyone4 ,what was 
surprising now was that my              
mother-in-law1 who had ever been        
complaining of me1 without my doing     
anything more than usual to please her1 
declared that none could be better      
satisfied with me than she was4 ,such as
 before had cried me down the most1 now 
testified their sorrow for it and became
 full of my praises4 ,my reputation was 
established with much more advantage1 in
 proportion as it had appeared to be    
lost4 ,i remained in an entire peace1 as
 well without as within4 ,it seemed to  
me that my soul was become like ,new    
,jerusalem1 spoken of in the            
,apocalypse1 prepared as a bride for her
 husband and where there is no more     
sorrow1 or sighing4 ,i had a perfect    
indifference to everything that is here1

 a union so great with the will of ,god1
 that my own will seemed entirely lost4 
,my soul could not incline itself on one
 side or the other1 since another will  
had taken the place of its own1 but only
 nourished itself with the daily        
providences of ,god4 ,it now found a    
will all divine1 yet was so natural and 
easy that it found itself infinitely    
more free than ever it had been in its  
own4  ,these dispositions have still    
subsisted1 and still grown stronger1 and
 more perfect even to this hour4 ,i     
could neither desire one thing nor      
another1 but was content with whatever  
fell4 ,if any in the house asked me1    
,will you have this1 or that8 then ,i   
was surprised to find that there was    
nothing left in me which could desire or
 choose4 ,i was as if everything1 of    
smaller matters1 quite disappeared1 a   
higher power having taken up and filled 
all their place4 ,i even perceived no   
more that soul which ,he had formerly   
conducted by ,his crook and ,his staff1 

because now ,he alone appeared to me1 my
 soul having given up its place to ,him4
 ,it seemed to me1 as if it was wholly  
and altogether passed into its ,god1 to 
make but one and the same thing with    
,him2 even as a little drop of water1   
cast into the sea1 receives the         
qualities of the sea4 ,oh1 union of     
unity1 demanded of ,god by ,jesus       
,chirst for men and merited by him6 ,how
 strong is this in a soul that is become
 lost in its ,god6 ,after the           
consummation of this divine unity1 the  
soul remains hid with ,christ in ,god4  
,this happy loss is not like those      
transient ones which ecstacy operates1  
which are rather an absorption than     
union because the soul afterwards finds 
itself again with all its own           
dispositions4 ,here she feels that      
prayer fulfilled--,john #ag3ba3 ,that   
they all may be one as thou ,father art 
in me1 and ,i in thee2 that they also   
may be one in us4     ,,chapter #bh   ,i
 was obliged to go to ,paris about some 

business4 ,having entered into a church1
 that was very dark1 ,i went up to the  
first confessor ,i found1 whom ,i did   
not know1 nor have ever seen since4 ,i  
made a simple and short confession2 but 
to the confessor himself ,i said not a  
word4 ,he surprised me saying1 ,i know  
not who you are whether maid1 wife or   
widow2 but ,i feel a strong inward      
motion to exhort you to do what the     
,lord has made known to you1 that he    
requires of you4 ,i have nothing else to
 say4 ,i answered him1 ,father1 ,i am a 
widow who have little children4 ,what   
else could ,god require of me1 but to   
take due care of them in their          
education8 ,he replied1 ,i know nothing 
about this4 ,you know if ,god manifests 
to you that ,he requires something of   
you2 there is nothing in the world which
 ought to hinder you from doing ,his    
will4 ,one may have to leave one's      
children to do that4 ,this surprised me 
much4 ,however1 ,i told him nothing of  
what ,i felt about ,geneva4 ,i disposed 

myself submissively to quit everything1 
if the ,lord required it of me4 ,i did  
not look upon it as a good ,i aspired   
to1 or a virtue ,i hoped to acquire1 or 
as anything extraordinary1 or as an act 
that would merit some return on ,god's  
part2 but only gave myself up to be led 
in the way of my duty1 whatever it might
 be1 feeling no distinction between my  
own will and the will of ,god in me4    
,in this disposition1 ,i lived with my  
family in the greatest tranquility1     
until one of my friends had a great     
desire to go on a mission to ,siam4 ,he 
lived twenty leagues from my house4 ,as 
he was ready to make a vow to this      
purpose1 he found himself stopped1 with 
an impulse to come and speak to me4 ,he 
came immediately1 and as he had some    
reluctance to declare his mind to me1 he
 went to read prayers in my chapel1     
hoping ,god would be satisfied with his 
making the vow4 ,as he was performing   
divine service in my hearing1 he was    
stopped again4 ,he left the chapel to   

come and speak to me4 ,he then told me  
his intention4  ,though ,i had no       
thought of saying anything positive to  
him1 ,i felt an impression in my soul to
 relate to him my case1 and the idea ,i 
had for a long time past for ,geneva4 ,i
 told him a dream ,i had1 which appeared
 to me supernatural4 ,when ,i had done1 
,i felt a strong impulse to say to him1 
,you must go to ,siam1 and you must also
 serve me in this affair4 ,it is for    
that end ,god has sent you hither2 ,i   
desire you to give me your advice4      
,after three days1 having considered the
 matter1 and consulted the ,lord in it1 
he told me that he believed ,i was to go
 thither2 but to be the better assured  
of it1 it would be needful to see the   
,bishop of ,geneva4 ,if he approved of  
my design1 it would be a sign that it   
was from the ,lord2 if not1 ,i must drop
 it4 ,i agreed with his sentiment4 ,he  
then offered to go to ,annecy1 to speak 
to the ,bishop1 and to bring me a       
faithful account4 ,as he was advanced in

 years1 we were deliberating in what way
 he could take so long a journey1 when  
there came two travelers1 who told us   
the ,bishop was at ,paris4 ,this ,i     
looked on as an extraordinary           
providence4 ,he advised me to write to  
,father ,la ,combe1 and recommend the   
affair to his prayers1 as he was in that
 country4 ,he then spoke to the ,bishop 
at ,paris4 ,i1 having occasion to go    
thither1 spoke to him also4  ,i told    
him1 that my design was to go into the  
country1 to employ there my substance1  
to erect an establishment for all such  
as should be willing truly to serve     
,god1 and to give themselves unto him   
without reserve2 and that many of the   
servants of the ,lord had encouraged me 
thereto4 ,the bishop approved of the    
design4 ,he said1 there were ,new       
,catholics going to establish themselves
 at ,gex1 near ,geneva1 and that it was 
a providential thing4 ,i answered him1  
that ,i had no vocation for ,gex1 but   
for ,geneva4 ,he said1 ,i might go from 

hence to that city4  ,i thought this was
 a way which divine ,providence had     
opened1 for my taking this journey with 
the less difficulty4 ,as ,i yet knew    
nothing positive of what the ,lord would
 acquire at my hand1 ,i was not willing 
to oppose anything4 ,who knows1 said ,i1
 but the will of the ,lord is only that 
,i should contribute to this            
establishment8  ,i went to see the      
prioress of the ,new ,catholics at      
,paris4 ,she seemed much rejoiced1 and  
assured me she would gladly join me4 ,as
 she is a great servant of ,god1 this   
confirmed me4 ,when ,i could reflect a  
little1 which was but seldom1 ,i thought
 ,god would make choice of her for her  
virtue1 and me for my worldly substance4
 ,when ,i inadvertently looked at       
myself1 ,i could not think ,god would   
make use of me2 but when ,i saw the     
things in ,god1 then ,i perceived that  
the more ,i was nothing1 the fitter ,i  
was for ,his designs4 ,as ,i saw nothing
 in myself extraordinary1 and looked on 

myself as being in the lowest stage of  
perfection1 and imagined that an        
extraordinary degree of inspiration was 
necessary for extraordinary designs1    
this made me hesitate1 and fear         
deception4 ,it was not that ,i was in   
fear of anything1 as to my perfection   
and salvation which ,i had referred to  
,god2 but ,i was afraid of not doing    
,his will by being too ardent and hasty 
in doing it4 ,i went to consult ,father 
,claude ,martin4 ,at that time he gave  
me no decisive answer1 demanding time to
 pray about it2 saying he would write to
 me what should appear to him to be the 
will of ,god concerning me4  ,i found it
 hard to get to speak to ,m4 ,bertot1   
both on account of his being difficult  
of access1 and of my knowing how he     
condemned things extraordinary1 or out  
of the common road4 ,being my director1 
,i submitted1 against my own views or   
judgment1 to what he said1 laying down  
all my own experiences when duty        
required me to believe and obey4 ,i     

thought1 however1 than in an affair of  
this importance1 ,i ought to address    
myself to him1 and prefer his sense of  
the matter to that of every one beside4 
,persuaded1 he would infallibly tell me 
the will of ,god4 ,i went to him then1  
and he told me that my design was of    
,god1 and that he had had a sense given 
him of ,god for some time past1 that he 
required something of me4 ,i therefore  
returned home to set everything in      
order4 ,i loved my children much1 having
 great satisfaction in being with them1 
but resigned all to ,god to follow ,his 
will4  ,on my return from ,paris1 ,i    
left myself in the hands of ,god1       
resolved not to take any step1 either to
 make the thing succeed or to hinder it1
 either to advance or retard it1 but    
singly to move as ,he should be pleased 
to direct me4 ,i had mysterious dreams1 
which portended nothing but crosses1    
persecutions and afflictions4 ,my heart 
submitted to whatever it should please  
,god to ordain4 ,i had one which was    

very significant4  ,being employed in   
some necessary work1 ,i saw near me a   
little animal which appeared to be dead4
 ,this animal ,i took to be the envy of 
some persons1 which seemed to have been 
dead for some time4 ,i took it up1 and  
as ,i saw it strove hard to bite me1 and
 that it magnified to the eye1 ,i cast  
it away4 ,i found thereupon that it     
filled my fingers with sharp-pointed    
prickles like needles4 ,i came to one of
 my acquaintance to get him to take them
 out2 but he pushed them deeper in1 and 
left me so1 till a charitable priest of 
great merit1 7whose countenance is still
 present with me1 though ,i have not yet
 seen him1 but believe ,i shall before  
,i die7 took this animal up with a pair 
of pincers4 ,as soon as he held it fast1
 those sharp prickles fell off1 of      
themselves4 ,i found that ,i easily     
entered into a place1 which before had  
seemed inaccessible4 ,and although the  
mire was up to my girdle1 in my way to a
 deserted church1 ,i went over it       

without getting any dirt4 ,it will be   
easy to see in the sequel what this     
signified4  ,doubtless you will wonder  
that ,i1 who makes so little account of 
things extraordinary1 relate dreams4 ,i 
do it for two reasons2 first out of     
fidelity1 having promised to omit       
nothing of what should come to my mind2 
secondly1 because it is the method ,god 
makes use of to communicate ,himself to 
faithful souls1 to give them foretokens 
of things to come1 which concern them4  
,thus mysterious dreams are found in    
many places of the holy ,scriptures4    
,they have singular properties1 as--    
#a4 ,to leave a certainty that they are 
mysterious1 and will have their effect  
in their season4  #b4 ,to be hardly ever
 effaced out of the memory1 though one  
forgets all others4  #c4 ,to redouble   
the certainty of their truth every time 
one thinks of them4  #d4 ,they generally
 leave a certain unction1 a divine sense
 or savor at one's waking4  ,i received 
letters from sundry religious persons1  

some of whom lived far from me1 and from
 one another1 relating to my going forth
 in the service of ,god1 and some of    
them to ,geneva in particular1 in such a
 manner as surprised me4 ,one of them   
intimated that ,i must there bear the   
cross and be persecuted2 and another of 
them that ,i should be eyes to the      
blind1 feet to the lame1 and arms to the
 maimed4  ,the ecclesiastic1 or         
chaplain1 of our house was much afraid  
lest ,i was under a delusion4 ,what at  
that time greatly confirmed me was      
,father ,claude ,martin1 whom ,i        
mentioned above1 wrote to me that1 after
 many prayers1 the ,lord had given him  
to know that ,he required me at ,geneva1
 and to make a free sacrifice of        
everything to ,him4 ,i answered him1    
that perhaps the ,lord required of me   
nothing more than a sum of money to     
assist in founding an institution which 
was going to be established there4 ,he  
replied1 that the ,lord had made him    
know that ,he wanted not my worldly     

substance but myself4 ,at the very same 
time with this letter ,i received one   
from ,father ,la ,combe1 who wrote to me
 that the ,lord had given him a         
certainty1 as he had done to several of 
his good and faithful servants and      
handmaids1 that he wanted me at ,geneva4
 ,the writers of these two letters lived
 above a hundred and fifty leagues from 
each other2 yet both wrote the same     
thing4 ,i could not but be somewhat     
surprised to receive at the same time   
two letters exactly alike1 from two     
persons living so far distant from each 
other4  ,as soon as ,i became fully     
convinced of its being the will of the  
,lord1 and saw nothing on earth capable 
of detaining me1 my senses had some pain
 about leaving my children4 ,and upon   
reflecting thereon a doubt seized my    
mind4 ,o my ,lord6 ,had ,i rested on    
myself1 or on the creatures1 ,i would   
have revolted2 leaned on a broken reed1 
which would have pierced my hand4 ,but  
relying on ,thee alone1 what needed ,i  

to fear8 ,i resolved then to go1        
regardless of the censures of such as   
understand not what it is to be a       
servant of the ,lord1 and to receive and
 obey ,his orders4 ,i firmly believe    
that ,he1 by ,his ,providence1 would    
furnish the means necessary for the     
education of my children4 ,i put        
everything by degrees in order1 the     
,lord alone being my guide4             
,,chapter #bi   ,while providence1 on   
the one hand1 appointed my forsaking all
 things1 it seemed on the other to make 
my chains the stronger1 and my          
separation the more blameable4 ,none    
could receive stronger marks of         
affection from one's own mother than    
those which ,i received at this time    
from my mother-in-law4 ,even the least  
sickness which befell me made her very  
uneasy4 ,she said1 she had veneration   
for my virtue4 ,i believe what          
contributed not a little to this change 
was1 that she had heard that three      
persons had offered suit to me1 and that

 ,i had refused them1 although their    
fortune and quality were quite superior 
to mine4 ,she remembered how she had    
upbraided me on this head1 and ,i       
answered her not a word1 whereby she    
might understand that it depended on    
myself to marry to advantage4 ,she began
 to fear lest such rigorous treatment1  
as hers had been toward me1 might excite
 me to deliver myself by such means1    
with honor1 from her tyranny1 and was   
sensible what damage that might be to my
 children4 ,so she was now very tender  
to me on every occasion4  ,i fell       
extremely ill4 ,i thought that ,god had 
accepted of my willingness to sacrifice 
all to him1 and required that of my     
life4 ,during this illness1 my          
mother-in-law went not from my bedside2 
her many tears proved the sincerity of  
her affection4 ,i was very much affected
 at it1 and thought ,i loved her as my  
true mother4 ,how1 then1 should ,i leave
 her now1 being so far advanced in age8 
,the maid1 who till then had been my    

plague1 took an inconceivable friendship
 for me4 ,she praised me everywhere1    
extolling my virtue to the highest and  
served me with extraordinary respect4   
,she begged pardon for all that she had 
made me suffer1 and died of grief after 
my departure4  ,there was a priest of   
merit1 a spiritual man1 who had fallen  
in with temptation of taking upon him   
employment which ,i was sensible ,god   
did not call him to do4 ,fearing it     
might be a snare to him1 ,i advised him 
against it4 ,he promised me he would not
 do it1 and yet accepted it4 ,he then   
avoided me1 joined in calumniating me1  
gradually fell away from grace1 and died
 soon after4  ,there was a nun in a     
monastery ,i often went to1 who was     
entered into a state of purification1   
which everyone in the house looked on as
 distraction4 ,they locked her up and   
all who went to see her called it       
phrenzy or melancholy4 ,i knew her to be
 devout ,i requested to see her4 ,as    
soon as ,i approached1 ,i felt an       

impression that she sought purity4 ,i   
desired of the ,superior that she should
 not be locked up1 nor should people be 
admitted to see her1 but that she would 
confide her to my care4 ,i hoped things 
would change4 ,i discovered that her    
greatest pain was at being counted a    
fool4 ,i advised her to bear the state  
of foolishness1 since ,jesus ,christ had
 been willing to bear it before ,herod4 
,this sacrifice gave her a calmness at  
once4 ,but as ,god was willing to purify
 her soul1 ,he separated her from all   
those things for which she had before   
the greatest attachment4 ,at last1 after
 she had patiently undergone her        
sufferings1 her ,superior wrote to me   
that ,i was in the right1 and that she  
had now come out of that state of       
dejection1 in greater purity than ever4 
,the ,lord gave to me alone at that time
 to know her state4 ,this was the       
commencement of the gift of discerning  
spirits1 which ,i afterward received    
more fully4  ,the winter before ,i left 

home was one of the longest and hardest 
that had been for several years 7#afhj74
 ,it was followed with extreme scarcity1
 which proved to me an occasion of      
exercising charity4 ,my mother-in-law   
joined me heartily and appeared to me so
 much changed4 ,i could not but be both 
surprised and overjoyed at it4 ,we      
distributed at the house ninety-six     
dozen loaves of bread every week1 but   
private charities to the bashful poor   
were much greater4 ,i kept poor boys and
 girls employed4 ,the ,lord gave such   
blessings to my alms1 that ,i did not   
find that my family lost anything by it4
 ,before the death of my husband1 my    
mother-in-law told him that ,i would    
ruin him with my charities1 though he   
himself was so charitable1 that in a    
very dear year1 while he was young1 he  
distributed a considerable sum4 ,she    
repeated this to him so often1 that he  
commanded me to set down in writing all 
the money ,i laid out1 both what ,i gave
 for the expense of the house1 and all  

that ,i caused to be bought1 that he    
might better judge of what ,i gave to   
the poor4 ,this new obligation1 which ,i
 was brought under1 appeared to me so   
much the harder1 as for above eleven    
years we had been married ,i never      
before had this required of me4 ,what   
troubled me most was the fear of having 
nothing to give to such as wanted4      
,however1 ,i submitted to it1 without   
retrenching any part of my charities4 ,i
 did not indeed set down any of my alms1
 and yet my account of expenses was     
found to answer exactly4 ,i was much    
surprised and astonished1 and esteemed  
it one of the wonders of ,providence4 ,i
 saw plainly it was simply given out of 
,thy treasury1 ,o my ,lord1 that made me
 more liberal of what ,i thought was the
 ,lord's1 and not mine4 ,oh1 if we but  
knew how far charity1 instead of wasting
 or lessening the substance of the      
donor1 blessed1 increased and multiplied
 it profusely4 ,how much is there in the
 world of useless dissipation1 which1 if

 properly applied1 might amply serve for
 the subsistence of the poor1 and would 
abundantly be restored1 and amply       
rewarded to the families of those who   
gave it4  ,in the time of my greatest   
trials1 some years after my husband's   
death 7for they began three years before
 my widowhood1 and lasted four years    
after7 my footman came one day to tell  
me1 7,i was then in the country7 that   
there was in the road a poor soldier    
dying4 ,i had him brought in1 and       
ordering a separate place to be made    
ready for him1 ,i kept above a          
fortnight4 ,his malady was a flux1 which
 he had taken in the army4 ,it was so   
nauseous1 that though the domestics were
 charitably inclined1 nobody could bear 
to come near him4 ,i went myself to take
 away his vessels4 ,but ,i never did    
anything of the kind which was so hard4 
,i frequently made efforts for a full   
quarter of an hour at a time4 ,it seemed
 as if my very heart was going to come  
up2 yet ,i never desisted4 ,i sometimes 

kept the poor people at my house to     
dress their putrid sores2 but never met 
with anything so terrible as this4 ,the 
poor man1 after ,i had made him receive 
the sacrament1 died4  ,what gave me now 
no small concern was the tenderness ,i  
had for my children1 especially my      
younger son1 whom ,i had strong reasons 
for loving4 ,i saw him inclined to be   
good2 everything seemed to favor the    
hopes ,i had conceived of him4 ,i       
thought it running a great risk to leave
 him to another's education4 ,my        
daughter ,i designed to take with me1   
though she was at this time ill of a    
very tedious fever4 ,providence was     
pleased1 however1 so to order it that   
she speedily recovered4 ,the ties1 with 
which the ,lord held me closely united  
to ,himself1 were infinitely stronger   
than those of flesh and blood4 ,the laws
 of my sacred marriage obliged me to    
give up all1 to follow my spouse        
whithersoever it was ,his pleasure to   
call me after ,him4 ,though ,i often    

hesitated1 and doubted much before ,i   
went1 ,i never doubted after my going of
 its being ,his will2 and though men1   
who judge of things only according to   
the success they seem to have1 have     
taken occasion from my disgraces and    
sufferings1 to judge of my calling1 and 
to run it down as error1 illusion and   
imagination2 it is that very            
persecution1 and a multitude of strange 
crosses it has drawn upon me1 7of which 
this imprisonment ,i now suffer is one17
 which have confirmed me in the         
certainty of its truth and validity4 ,i 
am more than ever convinced that the    
resignation which ,i have made of       
everything is in pure obedience to the  
divine will4  ,the gospel effectually in
 this point shows itself to be true1    
which has promised to those that shall  
leave all for the love of the ,lord1 an 
hundred fold in this life1 and          
persecutions also4 ,and have not ,i     
infinitely more than an hundred fold1 in
 so entire a possession as my ,lord hast

 taken of me2 in that unshaken firmness 
which is given me in my sufferings1 in a
 perfect tranquillity in the midst of a 
furious tempest1 which assaults me on   
every side2 in an unspeakable joy1      
enlargedness and liberty which ,i enjoy 
in a most straight and rigorous         
captivity4 ,i have no desire that my    
imprisonment should end before the right
 time4 ,i love my chains4 ,everything is
 equal to me1 as ,i have no will of my  
own1 but purely the love and will of    
,him who possesses me4 ,my senses indeed
 have not any relish for such things1   
but my heart is separated from them4 ,my
 perseverance is not of myself1 but of  
,him who is my life2 so that ,i can say 
with the apostle1 ,it is no more ,i that
 live1 but ,jesus ,christ that liveth in
 me4 ,it is ,he in whom ,i live1 move1  
and have my being4  ,to return to the   
subject1 ,i say that ,i was not so      
reluctant to go with the ,new           
,catholics1 as ,i was to engage with    
them1 not finding a sufficient          

attraction1 though ,i sought for it4 ,i 
longed indeed to contribute to the      
conversion of wandering souls1 and ,god 
made use of me to convert several       
families before my departure1 one of    
which was composed of eleven or twelve  
persons4 ,besides1 ,father ,la ,combe   
had written to me1 to make use of this  
opportunity for setting off1 but did not
 tell me whether ,i ought to engage with
 them or not4 ,thus it was the          
,providence of my ,god alone1 which     
ordered everything1 to which ,i was     
resigned without any reserve2 and that  
hindered me from engaging with them4    
,one day reflecting humanly on this     
undertaking of mine1 ,i found my faith  
staggering1 weakened with a fear lest ,i
 were under a mistake1 which slavish    
fear was increased by an ecclesiastic at
 our house1 who told me it was a rash   
and ill-advised design4 ,being a little 
discouraged1 ,i opened the ,bible1 and  
met with this passage in ,isaiah1 ,fear 
not thou worm ,jacob1 and ye men of     

,israel4 ,i will help thee saith the    
,lord1 and thy ,redeemer1 the holy one  
of ,israel4 7,chap4 #fa3ad7 and near it1
 ,fear not2 for ,i have redeemed thee1  
,i have called thee by thy name2 thou   
art mine4 ,when thou passest through the
 waters1 ,i will be with thee4  ,i had a
 very great courage given me for going1 
but could not persuade myself that it   
would be best to settle with the ,new   
,catholics4 ,it was1 however1 necessary 
to see ,sister ,garnier1 their superior 
at ,paris1 in order to take our measures
 together4 ,but ,i could not go to      
,paris1 because that journey would have 
hindered me from taking another1 which  
,i had to take4 ,she then1 though much  
indisposed1 resolved to come and see me4
 ,in what a wonderful manner1 ,o my     
,god1 didst ,thou conduct things by ,thy
 ,providence1 to make everything come to
 the point of ,thy will6 ,every day ,i  
saw new miracles1 which both amazed and 
still more confirmed me2 for with a     
paternal goodness ,thou tookest care of 

even the smallest things4 ,as she       
intended setting off1 she fell sick4    
,and ,thou permitted it to fall out so1 
to give room thereby for a person1 who  
would have discovered everything1 in the
 meantime to take a journey to see me4  
,as this person had given me notice of  
the day she intended to set off1 seeing 
that day was excessively hot1 and so    
sultry that ,i imagined that being taken
 so much tender care of as she was at   
home1 they would not suffer her to begin
 her journey1 7which really proved to be
 the case1 as she afterward told me17 ,i
 prayed to the ,lord to be pleased to   
grant a wind to rise1 to moderate the   
violent heat4 ,scarce had ,i prayed1 but
 there arose suddenly so refreshing a   
wind1 that ,i was surprised and the wind
 did not cease during her whole journey4
  ,i went to meet her1 and brought her  
to my countryhouse1 in such a way that  
she was not seen or known of anybody4   
,what embarrassed me a little was1 that 
two of my domestics knew her4 ,but as ,i

 was then endeavoring the conversion of 
a lady1 they thought that it was on this
 account ,i had sent for her1 and that  
it was necessary to keep it secret1 that
 the other lady might not be discouraged
 from coming4 ,though ,i knew nothing of
 controversial points1 yet ,god so      
furnished me that ,i did not fail to    
answer all her objections1 and resolve  
all her doubts1 to such a degree1 that  
she could not but give herself up       
entirely to ,god4 ,though ,sister       
,garnier had a good share of both of    
grace and natural understanding1 yet her
 words had not such an effect on this   
soul as those with which ,god furnished 
me1 as she assured me herself4 ,she even
 could not forbear speaking of it4 ,i   
felt a movement to beg her of ,god1 as a
 testimony of ,his holy will concerning 
me4 ,but ,he was pleased not to grant it
 then1 being willing that ,i should go  
off alone without any other assurance   
than ,his divine ,providence was        
conducting all things4 ,sister ,garnier 

did not declare her thoughts to me for  
four days4 ,then she told me she would  
not go with me4 ,at this ,i was the more
 surprised1 as ,i had persuaded myself  
that ,god would grant to her virtue what
 ,he might refuse to my demerits4       
,besides1 the reason she gave appeared  
to me to be merely human1 and void of   
supernatural grace4 ,that made me       
hesitate a little2 then1 taking new     
courage1 through the resignation of my  
whole self1 ,i said1 ,as ,i go not      
thither for your sake1 ,i will not fail 
to go even without you4 ,this surprised 
her1 as she acknowledged to me2 for she 
thought that1 on her refusal1 ,i would  
decline my purpose of going4  ,i        
regulated everything1 wrote down the    
contract of association with them as ,i 
thought proper4 ,no sooner had ,i done  
it1 but ,i felt great perturbation and  
trouble of mind4 ,i told her my pain1   
and that ,i had no doubt but the ,lord  
demanded me at ,geneva1 yet did not let 
me see that ,he would have me to be of  

their congregation4 ,she desired to have
 some time till after prayers and       
communion1 and that then she would tell 
me what she thought the ,lord required  
of me4 ,accordingly1 ,he directed her   
contrary both to her interests and      
inclination4 ,she then told me that ,i  
ought not to connect myself with her1   
that it was not the ,lord's design2 that
 ,i only ought to go with her sister's1 
and that when ,i should be there1       
,father ,la ,combe1 7whose letter she   
had seen7 would signify to me the divine
 will4 ,i entered at once into these    
sentiments1 and my soul then regained   
the sweets of inward peace4  ,my first  
thought had been 7before ,i heard of the
 ,new ,catholics going to ,gex7 to go   
directly to ,geneva4 ,at this time there
 were ,catholics there in service1 and  
otherwise2 to take some little room     
without any noise1 and without declaring
 myself at first2 and as ,i knew how to 
make up all sorts of ointments to heal  
wounds and especially the king's evil1  

of which there is abundance in that     
place1 and for which ,i had a most      
certain cure4 ,i hoped easily to        
insinuate myself by this way and with   
the charities which ,i should have done 
to have won over many of the people4 ,i 
have no doubt but1 if ,i had followed   
this impulse1 things would have         
succeeded better4 ,but ,i thought ,i    
ought to follow the sentiments of the   
,bishop rather than my own4 ,what am ,i 
saying8 ,has not ,thy eternal ,word1 ,o 
my ,lord1 had its effect and            
accomplishment in me8 ,man speaks as    
man2 but when we behold things in the   
,lord1 we see them in another light4    
,yes1 my ,lord1 ,thy design was to give 
,geneva not to my cares1 words or works1
 but to my sufferings2 for the more ,i  
see things appear hopeless1 the more do 
,i hope for the conversion of that city 
by a way known to ,thee only4  ,father  
,la ,combe has told me since1 that he   
had a strong impulse to write to me1 not
 to engage with the ,new ,catholics4 ,he

 believed it not to be the will of the  
,lord concerning me2 but he omitted     
doing it4 ,as to my director1 ,m4       
,bertot1 he died four months before my  
departure4 ,i had some intimations of   
his death1 and it seemed as if he       
bequeathed me a portion of his spirit to
 help his children4  ,i was seized with 
a fear1 that the check ,i had felt1 at  
giving so largely in favor of the ,new  
,catholics1 what ,i had designed for    
,geneva1 was a stratagem of nature1     
which does not love to be stripped4 ,i  
wrote to ,sister ,garnier to get a      
contract drawn up according to my first 
memorial4 ,god permitted me to commit   
this fault1 to make me the more sensible
 of ,his protection over me4     ,,part 
,,two     ,,chapter #a   ,i went off1 in
 a strange renunciation1 and in great   
simplicity1 scarcely able to render the 
reason why ,i should in such a manner   
quit my family1 which ,i most tenderly  
love1 being without any positive        
assurance1 yet hoping even against hope 

itself4 ,i went to the ,new ,catholics  
at ,paris1 where ,providence wrought    
wonders to conceal me4 ,they sent for   
the notary1 who had drawn up the        
contract of engagement4 ,when he read it
 to me1 ,i felt such a repugnance to it1
 that ,i could not bear to hear it to   
the end1 much less sign it4 ,the notary 
wondered and much more so when ,sister  
,garnier came in1 and told him1 that    
there needed no contract of engagement4 
,i was enabled through divine           
assistance1 to put my affairs in very   
good order1 and to write sundry letters 
by the inspiration of the ,spirit of    
,god1 and not by my own4 ,this was what 
,i had never experienced before4 ,it was
 given me at that time only as a        
beginning1 and has since been granted me
 much more perfectly4  ,i had two       
domestics1 whom it was very difficult   
for me to discharge1 as ,i did not think
 to take them with me4 ,if ,i had left  
them1 they would have told of my        
departure2 and ,i should have been sent 

after4 ,i was when it became known4 ,but
 ,god so ordered it that they were      
willing to follow me4 ,they were of no  
use to me1 and soon after turned into   
,france4 ,i took with me only my        
daughter1 and two maids to serve us     
both4 ,we set off in a boat upon the    
river1 though ,i had taken places in the
 stage-coach1 in order that1 if they    
searched for me in the coach1 they might
 not find me4 ,i went to ,melun to wait 
for it there4  ,it was surprising that  
in this boat the child could not forbear
 making crosses1 employing a person to  
cut rushes for her to use for that      
purpose4 ,she then put around1 and all  
over me1 above three hundred of them4 ,i
 let her do it1 and inwardly apprehended
 that it was not without its meaning4 ,i
 felt an interior certainty that ,i was 
going to meet with crosses in abundance 
and that this child was sowing the cross
 for me to reap it4 ,sister ,garnier1   
who saw that they could not restrain her
 from covering me with crosses1 said to 

me1 ,what that child does appears to be 
significant4 ,turning to the little     
girl1 she said1 ,give me some crosses1  
too1 my pretty pet4 ,no1 she replied1   
they are all for my dear mother4 ,soon  
she gave her one to stop her            
importunity1 then continued putting more
 on me2 after which she desired some    
river-flowers1 which floated on the     
water1 to be given her4 ,braiding a     
garland she put it on my head1 and said 
to me1 ,after the cross you shall be    
crowned4 ,i admired all this in silence1
 and offered myself up to the pure love 
of ,god1 as a victim1 free and willing  
to be sacrificed to ,him4  ,some time   
before my departure1 a particular       
friend1 a true servant of ,god1 related 
to me a vision she had respecting me4   
,she saw my heart surrounded with       
thorns2 that our ,lord appeared in it   
well pleased2 that1 though the thorns   
seemed likely to tear it1 yet1 instead  
of doing that1 they only rendered it    
fairer1 and our ,lord's approbation the 

stronger4  ,at ,corbeil1 7a little town 
on the river ,seine1 sixteen miles south
 of ,paris17 ,i met with the priest whom
 ,god had first made use of so          
powerfully to draw me to ,his love4 ,he 
approved of my design to leave all for  
the ,lord2 but he thought ,i should not 
be well suited with the ,new ,catholics4
 ,he told me some things about them1 to 
show that our leadings were             
incompatible4 ,he cautioned me not to   
let them know that ,i walked in the     
inward path4 ,if ,i did1 ,i must expect 
nothing but persecution from them4 ,but 
it is in vain to contrive to hide1 when 
,god sees it best for us to suffer1 and 
when our wills are utterly resigned to  
,him1 and totally passed into ,his4     
,while at ,paris ,i gave the ,new       
,catholics all the money ,i had4 ,i     
reserved not to myself a single penny1  
rejoicing to be poor after the example  
of ,jesus ,christ4 ,i brought from home 
nine thousand livres4 ,as by my donation
 ,i had reserved nothing to myself and  

by a contract lent them six thousand2   
this six thousand has returned to my    
children but none of it to me4 ,that    
gives me no trouble2 poverty1 thus      
procured1 constitutes my riches4 ,the   
rest ,i gave entirely to the sisters    
that were with us1 as well to supply    
their traveling expenses1 for the       
purchase of furniture4 ,i did not       
reserve so much as my linen for my own  
use1 putting it in the common fund4 ,i  
had neither a locked coffer1 nor purse4 
,i had brought but little linen for fear
 of mistrust4 ,in wanting to carry off  
clothes ,i should have been discovered4 
,my persecutors did not fail to report  
that ,i had brought great sums from     
home1 which ,i had imprudently expended1
 and given to the friends of ,father ,la
 ,combe4 ,false as ,i had not a penny4  
,on my arrival at ,annecy a poor man was
 asking alms4 ,i1 having nothing else1  
gave him the buttons from my sleeves4   
,at another time ,i gave a poor man a   
little plain ring1 in the name of ,jesus

 ,christ4 ,i had worn it as a token of  
marriage with ,him4  ,we joined the     
flying stage at ,melun where ,i left    
,sister ,garnier4 ,i went on with the   
other sisters with whom ,i had no       
acquaintance4 ,the carriages were very  
fatiguing2 ,i got no sleep through so   
long a journey4 ,my daughter1 a very    
tender child1 only five years of age1   
got scarcely any4 ,we bore great fatigue
 without falling sick by the way4 ,my   
child had not an hour's uneasiness1     
although she was only three hours in bed
 every night4 ,at another time half this
 fatigue1 or even the want of rest1     
would have thrown me into a fit of      
sickness4 ,god only knows both the      
sacrifices which ,he induced me to make1
 and the joy of my heart in offering up 
everything to ,him4 ,had ,i kingdoms and
 empires1 ,i think ,i would yield them  
up with still more joy1 to give ,him the
 higher marks of my love4  ,as soon as  
we arrived at the inn1 ,i went to church
 and stayed there till dinner time4 ,in 

the coach1 my divine ,lord communed with
 me1 and in me1 in a manner which the   
others could not comprehend1 indeed not 
perceive4 ,the cheerfulness ,i showed in
 the greatest dangers encouraged them4  
,i even sang hymns of joy at finding    
myself disengaged from the riches1      
honors and entanglements of the world4  
,god in such a manner protected us4 ,he 
seemed to be to us a pillar of fire by  
night1 and a pillar of a cloud by day4  
,we passed over a very dangerous spot   
between ,lyons and ,chamberry4 ,our     
carriage broke as we were coming out of 
it4 ,had it happened a little sooner1 we
 would have perished4  ,we arrived at   
,annecy on ,magdalene's eve1 #afha4 ,on 
,magdalene's day the ,bishop of ,geneva 
performed divine service for us1 at the 
tomb of ,st4 ,francis de ,sales4 ,there 
,i renewed my spiritual marriage with my
 ,redeemer1 as ,i did every year on this
 day4 ,there also ,i felt a sweet       
remembrance of that saint1 with whom our
 ,lord gives me a singular union4 ,i say

 union1 for it appears to me that the   
soul in ,god is united with saints1 the 
more so in proportion as they are       
conformable to ,him4 ,it is a union     
which it pleases ,god sometimes to      
revive after death1 and awaken in the   
soul for ,his own glory4 ,at such times 
departed saints are rendered more       
intimately present to that soul in ,god2
 and this revival is as it were an holy 
intercourse of friend with friend1 in   
,him who unites them all in one immortal
 tie4  ,that day we left ,annecy1 and on
 the next went to prayers at ,geneva4 ,i
 had much joy at the communion4 ,it     
seemed to me as if ,god more powerfully 
united me to ,himself4 ,there ,i prayed 
to ,him for the conversion of that great
 people4 ,that evening we arrived late  
at ,gex1 where we found only bare walls4
 ,the ,bishop of ,geneva had assured me 
that the house was furnished2           
undoubtedly he believed it to be4 ,we   
lodged at the house of the sisters of   
charity1 who were so kind as to give us 

their beds4  ,i was in great pain of    
mind for my daughter1 who visibly lost  
weight4 ,i had a strong desire to place 
her with the ,ursulines at ,tonon4 ,my  
heart was so affected on her behalf1    
that ,i could not forbear weeping in    
secret for her4 ,next day ,i said1 ,i   
would take my daughter to ,tonon1 and   
leave her there1 till ,i should see how 
we might be accommodated4 ,they opposed 
it strongly1 after a manner which seemed
 very hard-hearted as well as           
ungrateful1 seeing she was a skeleton4  
,i looked upon the child as a victim    
whom ,i had imprudently sacrificed4 ,i  
wrote to ,father ,la ,combe1 entreating 
him to come and see me1 to consult      
together about it4 ,i thought ,i could  
not in conscience keep her in this place
 any longer4 ,several days passed       
without my having any answer4 ,in the   
meantime ,i became resigned to the will 
of ,god1 whether to have succor or not4 
,,chapter #b   ,our ,lord took pity on  
the lamentable condition of my daughter1

 and so ordered it1 that the ,bishop of 
,geneva wrote to ,father ,la ,combe1 to 
come as speedily as possible to see us1 
and to console us4 ,as soon as ,i saw   
that father1 ,i was surprised to feel an
 interior grace1 which ,i may call      
communication2 such as ,i had never had 
before with any person4 ,it seemed to me
 that an influence of grace came from   
him to me1 through the innermost of the 
soul2 returned from me to him1 in such a
 way that he felt the same effect4 ,like
 a tide of grace it caused a flux and   
reflux1 flowing on into the divine and  
invisible ocean4 ,this is a pure and    
holy union1 which ,god alone operates1  
and which has still subsisted1 and even 
increased4 ,it is an union exempt from  
all weakness1 and from all              
self-interest4 ,it causes those who are 
blessed with it to rejoice in beholding 
themselves1 as well as those beloved1   
laden with crosses and afflictions--an  
union which has no need of the presence 
of the body4 ,at certain times absence  

makes not more absent1 nor presence more
 present2 a union unknown to men1 but   
such as are come to experience it4 ,it  
can never be experienced but between    
such souls as are united to ,god4 ,as ,i
 never before felt a union of this sort 
with any one1 it then appeared to me    
quite new4 ,i had no doubt of its being 
from ,god2 so far from turning the mind 
from ,him1 it tended to draw it more    
deeply into ,him4 ,it dissipated all my 
pains1 and established me in the most   
profound peace4  ,god gave him at first 
much openness of mind toward me4 ,he    
related to me the mercies ,god had shown
 him1 and several extraordinary things1 
which gave me at first some fear4 ,i    
suspected some illusion1 especially in  
such things as flatter in regard to the 
future2 little imagining that ,god would
 make use of me to draw him from this   
state and bring him into that naked     
faith4 ,but the grace1 which flowed from
 ,him into my soul1 recovered me from   
that fear4 ,i saw that it was joined    

with extraordinary humility4 ,far from  
being elevated with the gifts which ,god
 had liberally conferred upon him1 or   
with his own profound learning1 no      
person could have a lower opinion of    
himself than he had4 ,he told me as to  
my daughter1 it would be best for me to 
take her to ,tonon1 where he thought she
 would be very well situated4 ,as to    
myself1 after ,i had mentioned to him my
 dislike to the manner of life of the   
,new ,catholics1 he told me1 that he did
 not think it would be my proper place  
to be long with them4 ,it would be best 
for me to stay there1 free from all     
engagements1 till ,god1 by the guidance 
of ,his ,providence1 should make known  
to me how he would dispose of me1 and   
draw my mind to the place whither he    
would have me remove4 ,i had already    
begun to awake regularly at midnight1 in
 order to pray4 ,i awoke with these     
words suddenly put in my mind1 ,it is   
written of me1 ,i will do thy will1 ,o  
my ,god4 ,this was accompanied with the 

most pure1 penetrating1 and powerful    
communication of grace that ,i had ever 
experienced4 ,though the state of my    
soul was already permanent in newness of
 life2 yet this new life was not in that
 immutability in which it has been      
since4 ,it was a beginning life and a   
rising day1 which goes on increasing    
unto the full meridian2 a day never     
followed by night2 a life which fears   
death no more1 not even in death itself2
 because he who has suffered the first  
death1 shall no more be hurt of the     
second4 ,from midnight ,i continued on  
my knees1 till four o'clock in the      
morning1 in prayer1 in a sweet          
intercourse with ,god1 and did the same 
also the night following4  ,the next    
day1 after prayers1 ,father ,la ,combe  
told me1 that he had a very great       
certainty1 that ,i was a stone which    
,god designed for the foundation of some
 great building4 ,what that building was
 he knew no more than ,i4 ,after        
whatever manner then it is to be1       

whether ,his divine ,majesty will make  
use of me in this life1 for some design 
known to himself only1 or will make me  
one of the stones of the new and        
heavenly ,jerusalem1 it seems to me that
 such stone cannot be polished1 but by  
the strokes of the hammer4 ,our ,lord   
has given to this soul of mine the      
qualities of the stone1 firmness1       
resignation1 insensibility1 and power to
 endure hardness under the operations of
 ,his hand4  ,i carried my little       
daughter to the ,ursulines at ,tonon4   
,that child took a great fondness for   
,father ,la ,combe1 saying1 ,he is a    
good father1 one from ,god4 ,here ,i    
found a hermit1 whom they called        
,anselm4 ,he was a person of the most   
extraordinary sanctity that had appeared
 for some time4 ,he was from ,geneva2   
,god had miraculously drawn him from    
thence1 at twelve years of age4 ,he had 
at nineteen years of age taken the habit
 of hermit of ,st4 ,augustine4 ,he and  
another lived alone in a little         

hermitage1 where they saw nobody but    
such as came to visit their chapel4 ,he 
had lived twelve years in this hut1     
never eating anything but pulse with    
salt1 and sometimes oil4 ,three times a 
week he lived on bread and water4 ,he   
never drank wine1 and generally took but
 one meal in twenty-four hours4 ,he wore
 for a shirt a coarse hair cloth1 and   
lodged on the bare ground4 ,he lived in 
a continual state of prayer1 and in the 
greatest humility4 ,god had done by him 
many signal miracles4  ,this good hermit
 had a great sense of the designs of    
,god on ,father ,la ,combe and me4 ,but 
,god showed him at the same time that   
strange crosses were preparing for us   
both2 that we were both destined for the
 aid of souls4 ,i did not find1 as ,i   
expected1 any suitable place for my     
daughter at ,tonon4 ,i thought myself   
like ,abraham1 when going to sacrifice  
his son4 ,father ,la ,combe said1       
,welcome1 daughter of ,abraham6 ,i found
 little encouragement to leave her and  

could not keep her with myself1 because 
we had no room4 ,the little girls1 whom 
they took to make ,catholics1 were all  
mixed and had contracted habits as were 
pernicious4 ,to leave her there ,i      
thought not right4 ,the language of the 
country1 where scarce anyone understood 
,french1 and the food1 which she could  
not take1 being far different from ours1
 were great hardships4 ,all my          
tenderness for her was awakened1 and ,i 
looked on myself as her destroyer4 ,i   
experienced what ,hagar suffered when   
she put away her son ,ishmael in the    
desert that she might not be forced to  
see him perish4 ,i thought that even if 
,i had ventured to expose myself1 ,i    
ought at least to have spared my        
daughter4 ,the loss of her education1   
even of her life1 appeared to me        
inevitable4 ,everything looked dark in  
regard to her4  ,with her natural       
disposition and fine qualities1 she     
might have attracted admiration1 if     
educated in ,france1 and been likely to 

have such offers of marriage1 as she    
could never hope to meet with in this   
poor country2 in which1 if she should   
recover1 she would never be likely to be
 fit for anything4 ,here she could eat  
nothing of what was offered her4 ,all   
her subsistence was a little unpleasant 
and disagreeable broth1 which ,i forced 
her to take against her will4 ,i seemed 
like a second ,abraham1 holding the     
knife over her to destroy her4 ,our     
,lord would have me make a sacrifice to 
,him1 without any consolation1 and      
plunged in sorrow1 night was the time in
 which ,i gave vent to it4 ,he made me  
see1 on one side the grief of her       
grandmother1 if she should hear of her  
death1 which she would impute to my     
taking the child away from her2 the     
great reproach1 it would be accounted   
among all the family4 ,the gifts of     
nature she was endowed with were now    
like pointed darts which pierced me4 ,i 
believe that ,god so ordered it to      
purify me from too human an attachment  

still in me4 ,after ,i returned from the
 ,ursulines at ,tonon1 they changed her 
manner of diet1 and gave her what was   
suitable2 in a short time she recovered4
     ,,chapter #c   ,as soon as it was  
known in ,france that ,i was gone there 
was a general outcry4 ,father de la     
,mothe wrote to me1 that all persons of 
learning and of piety united in         
censuring me4 ,to alarm me still more1  
he informed me that my mother-in-law1   
with whom ,i had entrusted my younger   
son and my children's substance1 was    
fallen into a state of childhood4 ,this1
 however1 was false4  ,i answered all   
these fearful letters as the ,spirit    
dictated4 ,my answers were thought very 
just1 and those violent exclamations    
were soon changed into applauses4       
,father ,la ,mothe appeared to change   
his censures into esteem2 but it did not
 last4 ,self interest threw him back    
again2 being disappointed in his hopes  
of a pension1 which he expected ,i would
 have settled on him4 ,sister ,garnier1 

whatever was her reason1 changed and    
declared against me4  ,i both ate and   
slept little4 ,the food which was given 
us was putrid and full of worms1 by     
reason of the great heat of the weather1
 also being kept too long4 ,what ,i     
should have formerly beheld with the    
greatest abhorrence1 now became my only 
nourishment4 ,yet everything was        
rendered easy to me4 ,in ,god ,i found1 
without increase1 everything which ,i   
had lost for ,him4 ,that spirit1 which  
,i once thought ,i had lost in a strange
 stupidity1 was restored to me with     
inconceivable advantages4 ,i was        
astonished at myself4 ,i found there was
 nothing which ,i was not fit for or in 
which ,i did not succeed4 ,those who    
observed said that ,i had a prodigious  
capacity4 ,i well knew that ,i had but  
meager capabilities1 but that in ,god my
 spirit had received a quality which it 
had never had before4 ,i thought ,i     
experienced something of the state which
 the apostles were in1 after they had   

received the ,holy ,ghost4 ,i knew1 ,i  
comprehended1 ,i understood1 ,i was     
enabled to do everything necessary4 ,i  
had every sort of good thing and no want
 of anything4 ,when ,jesus ,christ1 the 
eternal wisdom1 is formed in the soul1  
after the death of the first ,adam1 it  
finds in ,him all good things           
communicated to it4  ,sometime after my 
arrival at ,gex1 the ,bishop of ,geneva 
came to see us4 ,he was so clearly      
convinced1 and so much affected1 that he
 could not forbear expressing it4 ,he   
opened his heart to me on what ,god had 
required of him4 ,he confessed to me his
 own deviations and infidelities4 ,every
 time when ,i spoke to him he entered   
into what ,i said1 and acknowledged it  
to be the truth4 ,indeed it was the     
,spirit of truth which inspired me to   
speak to him1 without which ,i should be
 only a mere simpleton4 ,yet as soon as 
those persons spoke to him1 who sought  
for pre-eminence1 and who could not     
suffer any good but what came from      

themselves1 he was so weak as to be     
imposed on with impressions against the 
truth4 ,this weakness has hindered him  
from doing all the good which otherwise 
he might have done4  ,after ,i had      
spoken to him1 he said that he had it in
 his mind to give me ,father ,la ,combe 
for director2 he was a man illuminated  
of ,god1 who well understood the inward 
path1 and had a singular gift of        
pacifying souls4 ,greatly was ,i        
rejoiced when the ,bishop appointed him1
 seeing thereby his authority united    
with the grace which already seemed to  
have given him to me1 by a union and    
effusion of supernatural life and love4 
,the fatigues ,i had1 and watchings with
 my daughter1 threw me into a violent   
sickness attended with exquisite pain4  
,the physicians judged me in danger1 yet
 the sisters of the house quite         
neglected me2 especially the stewardess4
 ,she was so penurious1 that she did not
 give me what was necessary to sustain  
life4 ,i had not a penny to help myself 

with1 as ,i had reserved nothing to     
myself4 ,besides1 they received all the 
money which was remitted to me from     
,france1 which was very considerable4 ,i
 practiced poverty and was in necessity 
even among those to whom ,i had given   
all4 ,they wrote to ,father ,la ,combe1 
desiring him to come to me1 as ,i was so
 extremely ill4 ,hearing of my condition
 he was so touched with compassion as to
 walk on foot all night4 ,he traveled   
not otherwise1 endeavoring in that1 as  
in everything else1 to imitate our ,lord
 ,jesus ,christ4  ,as soon as he entered
 the house my pains abated2 when he had 
prayed and blessed me1 laying his hand  
on my head1 ,i was perfectly cured1 to  
the great astonishment of my physicians2
 who were not willing to acknowledge the
 miracle4  ,these sisters advised me to 
return to my daughter4 ,father ,la      
,combe returned with me4 ,a violent     
storm arose on the ,lake1 which made me 
very sick1 and seemed likely to upset   
the boat4 ,but the hand of ,providence  

remarkably appeared in our favor2 so    
much so1 that it was taken notice of by 
the mariners and passengers4 ,they      
looked upon ,father ,la ,combe as a     
saint4 ,we arrived at ,tonon1 where ,i  
found myself so perfectly recovered1    
that1 instead of making and using the   
remedies ,i had proposed1 ,i went into a
 retreat1 and stayed twelve days4 ,here 
,i made vows of perpetual chastity1     
poverty and obedience1 covenanting to   
obey whatever ,i should believe to be   
the will of ,god also to obey the       
church1 and to honor ,jesus ,christ in  
such a manner as ,he pleased4  ,at this 
time ,i found that ,i had the perfect   
chastity of love to the ,lord1 it being 
without any reserve1 division1 or view  
of interest4 ,perfect poverty1 by the   
total privation of everything that was  
mine1 both inwardly and outwardly4      
,perfect obedience to the will of the   
,lord1 submission to the church1 and    
honor to ,jesus ,christ in loving       
,himself only2 the effect of which soon 

appeared4 ,when by the loss of ourselves
 we are passed into the ,lord1 our will 
is made one and the same with that of   
the ,lord1 according to the prayer of   
,christ1 ,as thou ,father art in me1 and
 ,i in thee1 grant that they also may be
 one of us4 ,john #ag3ba4 ,oh1 but it is
 then that the will is rendered         
marvelous1 both because it is made the  
will of the ,lord1 which is the greatest
 of miracles2 also because it works     
wonders in ,him4 ,for as it is the ,lord
 who wills in the soul1 that will has   
its effect4 ,scarcely has it willed but 
the thing is done4  ,but some may say1  
,why then so many oppressions endured8  
,why do not these souls1 if they have   
such a power1 set themselves free from  
them8 ,we answer that if they had any   
will to do anything of that sort1       
against divine providence1 that would be
 the will of flesh1 or the will of man1 
and not the will of ,god1 ,john #a3ac4  
,i rose generally at midnight1 waking at
 the proper time2 but if ,i wound up my 

alarm-watch1 then ,i used not to awake  
in time4 ,i saw that the ,lord had the  
care of a father and a spouse over me4  
,when ,i had any indisposition1 and my  
body wanted rest1 ,he did not awake me2 
but at such times ,i felt even in my    
sleep a singular possession of ,him4    
,some years have passed wherein ,i have 
had only a kind of half-sleep2 but my   
soul waked the more for the ,lord1 as   
sleep seemed to steal from it every     
other attention4 ,the ,lord made it     
known also to many persons1 that ,he    
designed me for a mother of great       
people1 but a people simple and         
childlike4 ,they took these             
intelligences in a literal sense and    
thought it related to some institution  
or congregation4 ,but it appeared to me 
that the persons whom it would please   
the ,lord that ,i should win over to    
,him1 and to whom ,i should be as a     
mother1 through ,his goodness1 should   
have the same union of affection for me 
as children have for a parent1 but a    

union much deeper and stronger2 giving  
me all that was necessary for them1 to  
bring them to walk in the way by which  
,he would lead them1 as ,i shall show4  
,,chapter #d   ,i would willingly       
suppress what ,i am now about to write  
if anything of it were my own1 also on  
account of the difficulty of expressing 
myself as because few souls are capable 
of understanding divine leadings which  
are so little known1 and so little      
comprehended4 ,i have myself never read 
of anything like it4 ,i shall say       
something of the interior dispositions  
,i was then in1 and ,i shall think my   
time well employed1 if it serves you who
 are willing to be of the number of my  
children2 it serves such as are already 
my children1 to induce them to let ,god 
glorify ,himself in them after ,his     
manner1 and not after their own4 ,if    
there be anything which they do not     
comprehend1 let them die to themselves4 
,they will find it much easier to learn 
by experience than from anything ,i     

could say2 expression never equals      
experience4  ,after ,i had come out of  
the trying condition ,i have spoken of  
,i found it had purified my soul1       
instead of blackening it as ,i had      
feared4 ,i possessed ,god after a manner
 so pure1 and so immense1 as nothing    
else could equal4 ,in regard to thoughts
 or desires1 all was so clean1 so naked1
 so lost in the divinity1 that the soul 
had no selfish movement1 however        
plausible or delicate2 both the powers  
of the mind and the very senses being   
wonderfully purified4 ,sometimes ,i was 
surprised to find that there appeared   
not one selfish thought4 ,the           
imagination1 formerly so restless1 now  
no more troubled me4 ,i had no more     
perplexity or uneasy reflections4 ,the  
will1 being perfectly dead to all its   
own appetites1 was become void of every 
human inclination1 both natural and     
spiritual1 and only inclined to whatever
 ,god pleased1 and to whatever manner   
,he pleased4 ,this vastness or          

enlargedness1 which is not bounded by   
anything1 however plain or simple it may
 be1 increases every day4 ,my soul in   
partaking of the qualities of her       
,spouse seems also to partake of ,his   
immensity4 ,my prayer was in an openness
 and singleness inconceivable4 ,i was1  
as it were1 borne up on high1 out of    
myself4 ,i believe ,god was pleased to  
bless me with this experience4 ,at the  
beginning of the new life1 ,he made me  
comprehend1 for the good of other souls1
 the simplicity and desirableness of    
this passage of the soul into ,god4     
,when ,i went to confess1 ,i felt such  
an immersion of the soul into ,him1 that
 ,i could scarcely speak4 ,this         
ascension of the spirit1 wherein ,god   
draws the soul so powerfully1 not into  
its own inmost recess1 but into         
,himself1 is not operated till after the
 death of self4 ,the soul actually comes
 out of itself to pass into its divine  
object4 ,i call it death1 that is to    
say1 a passage from one thing to        

another4 ,it is truly a happy passover  
for the soul1 and its passage into the  
promised land4 ,the spirit which is     
created to be united to its divine      
,origin1 has so powerful a tendency to  
,him1 that if it were not stopped by a  
continual miracle1 its moving quality   
would cause the body to be drawn after  
it by reason of its impetuosity and     
noble assent4 ,but ,god has given it a  
terrestrial body to serve for a         
counterpoise4 ,this spirit then1 created
 to be united to its ,origin1 without   
any medium or interstice1 feeling itself
 drawn by its divine object1 tends to it
 with an extreme violence2 in such sort 
that ,god1 suspending for sometime the  
power which the body has to hold back   
the spirit1 it follows with ardency4    
,when it is not sufficiently purified to
 pass into ,god1 it gradually returns to
 itself2 as the body resumes its own    
quality1 it turns to the earth4 ,the    
saints who have been the most perfect   
have advanced to that degree1 as to have

 nothing of all this4 ,some have lost it
 toward the end of their lives1 becoming
 single and pure as the others1 because 
they then had in reality and permanence 
what they had at first only as transient
 fruitions1 in the time of the          
prevalence or dominion of the body4 ,it 
is certain then that the soul1 by death 
to itself1 passes into its divine       
,object4 ,this is what ,i then          
experienced4 ,i found1 the farther ,i   
went1 the more my spirit was lost in its
 ,sovereign1 who attracted it more and  
more to ,himself4 ,he was pleased at    
first that ,i should know this for the  
sake of others and not for myself4      
,indeed ,he drew my soul more and more  
into ,himself1 till it lost itself      
entirely out of sight1 and could        
perceive itself no more4 ,it seemed at  
first to pass into ,him4 ,as one sees a 
river pass into the ocean1 lose itself  
in it1 its water for a time             
distinguished from that of the sea1 till
 it gradually becomes transformed into  

the same sea1 and possesses all its     
qualities2 so was my soul lost in ,god1 
who communicated to it ,his qualities1  
having drawn it out of all that it had  
of its own4 ,its life is an             
inconceivable innocence1 not known or   
comprehended of those who are still shut
 up in themselves or only live for      
themselves4  ,the joy which such a soul 
possesses in its ,god is so great1 that 
it experiences the truth of those words 
of the royal prophet1 ,all they who are 
in thee1 ,o ,lord1 are like persons     
ravished with joy4 ,to such a soul the  
words of our ,lord seem to be addressed1
 ,your joy no man shall take from you4  
,john #af3bb4 ,it is as it were plunged 
in a river of peace4 ,its prayer is     
continual4 ,nothing can hinder it from  
praying to ,god1 or from loving ,him4   
,it amply verifies these words in the   
,canticles1 ,i sleep but my heart       
waketh2 for it finds that even sleep    
itself does not hinder it from praying4 
,oh1 unutterable happiness6 ,who could  

ever have thought that a soul1 which    
seemed to be in the utmost misery1      
should ever find a happiness equal to   
this8 ,oh1 happy poverty1 happy loss1   
happy nothingness1 which gives no less  
than ,god ,himself in ,his own          
immensity1 no more circumscribed to the 
limited manner of the creature1 but     
always drawing it out of that1 to plunge
 it wholly into ,his own divine essence4
  ,then the soul knows that all the     
states of self-pleasing visions1        
openings1 ecstasies and raptures1 are   
rather obstacles2 that they do not serve
 this state which is far above them2    
because the state which has supports1   
has pain to lose them2 yet cannot arrive
 at this without such loss4 ,in this are
 verified the words of an experienced   
saint2 ,when ,i would1 says he1 possess 
nothing through self-love1 everything   
was given me without going after it4    
,oh1 happy dying of the grain of wheat1 
which makes it produce an hundredfold6  
,the soul is then so passive1 so equally

 disposed to receive from the hand of   
,god either good or evil1 as is         
astonishing4 ,it receives both the one  
and the other without any selfish       
emotions1 letting them flow and be lost 
as they come4 ,they pass away as if they
 did not touch4  ,after ,i finished my  
retreat with the ,ursulines at ,tonon1  
,i returned through ,geneva and1 having 
found no other means of conveyance1 the 
,french resident lent me a horse4 ,as ,i
 knew not how to ride ,i made some      
difficulty of doing it2 but as he       
assured me that it was a very quiet     
horse1 ,i ventured to mount4 ,there was 
a sort of a smith1 who looking at me    
with a wild haggard look1 struck the    
horse a blow on the back1 just as ,i had
 got upon him1 which made him give a    
leap4 ,he threw me on the ground with   
such force that they thought ,i was     
killed4 ,i fell on my temple4 ,my       
cheekbone and two of my teeth were      
broken4 ,i was supported by an invisible
 hand and in a little time ,i mounted as

 well as ,i could on another horse and  
had a man by my side to keep me up4  ,my
 relations left me in peace at ,gex4    
,they had heard at ,paris of my         
miraculous cure2 it made a great noise  
there4 ,many persons in reputation for  
sanctity then wrote to me4 ,i received  
letters from ,mademoiselle ,de          
,lamoignon1 and another young lady1 who 
was so moved with my answer1 that she   
sent me a hundred pistoles for our      
house1 and let me know besides that1    
when we wanted money1 ,i had only to    
write to her2 and that she would send me
 all ,i could desire4 ,they talked in   
,paris of printing an account of the    
sacrifice ,i had made1 and inserting in 
it the miracle of my sudden recovery4 ,i
 don't know what prevented it2 but such 
is the inconstancy of the creature1 that
 this journey1 which drew upon me at    
that time so much applause1 has served  
for a pretext for the strange           
condemnation which has since passed upon
 me4     ,,chapter #e   ,my near        

relations did not signify any eager     
desire for my return4 ,the first thing  
they proposed to me1 a month after my   
arrival at ,gex1 was not only to give up
 my guardianship1 but to make over all  
my estate to my children and to reserve 
an annuity to myself4 ,this proposition1
 coming from people who regarded nothing
 but their own interest1 to some might  
have appeared very unpleasing2 but it   
was in no wise so to me4 ,i had not any 
friend to advise with4 ,i knew not      
anyone whom ,i could consult about the  
manner of executing the thing1 as ,i was
 quite free and willing to do it4 ,it   
appeared to me that ,i had now the means
 of accomplishing the extreme desire ,i 
had of being conformable to ,jesus      
,christ1 poor1 naked1 and stripped of   
all4 ,they sent me an article to        
execute1 which had been drawn under     
their inspection1 and ,i innocently     
signed it1 not perceiving some clauses  
which were inserted therein4 ,it        
expressed that1 when my children should 

die1 ,i should inherit nothing of my own
 estate1 but that it should revolve to  
my kindred4 ,there were many other      
things1 which appeared to be equally to 
my disadvantage4 ,though what ,i had    
reserved to myself was sufficient to    
support me in this place2 yet it was    
scarcely enough to do so in some other  
places4 ,i then gave up my estate with  
more joy1 for being thereby conformed to
 ,jesus ,christ1 than they could have   
who asked it from me4 ,it is what ,i    
have never repented of1 nor had any     
uneasiness about4 ,what pleasure to lose
 all for the ,lord6 ,the love of        
poverty1 thus contracted1 is the kingdom
 of tranquillity4  ,i forgot to mention 
that toward the end of my miserable     
state of privation1 when just ready to  
enter into newness of life1 our ,lord   
illuminated me so clearly to see that   
the exterior crosses came from ,him1    
that ,i could not harbor any resentment 
against the persons who procured me     
them4 ,on the contrary1 ,i felt the     

tenderness of compassion for them1 and  
had more pain for those afflictions     
which ,i innocently caused to them1 than
 for any which they had heaped upon me4 
,i saw that these persons feared the    
,lord too much to oppress me as they    
did1 had they known it4 ,i saw ,his hand
 in it1 and ,i felt the pain which they 
suffered1 through the contrariety of    
their humors4 ,it is hard to conceive   
the tenderness which the ,lord gave me  
for them1 and the desire which ,i have  
had1 with the utmost sincerity1 to      
procure them every sort of advantage4   
,after the accident which befell me     
7fall from the horse7 from which ,i soon
 wonderfully recovered1 the ,devil began
 to declare himself more openly mine    
enemy1 to break loose and become        
outrageous4 ,one night1 when ,i least   
thought of it1 something very monstrous 
and frightful presented itself4 ,it     
seemed a kind face1 which was seen by a 
glimmering blueish light4 ,i don't know 
whether the flame itself composed that  

horrible face or appearance2 for it was 
so mixed and passed by so rapidly1 that 
,i could not discern it4 ,my soul rested
 in its calm situation and assurance1   
and it appeared no more after that      
manner4 ,as ,i arose at midnight to     
pray1 ,i heard frightful noises in my   
chamber and after ,i had lain down they 
were still worse4 ,my bed often shook   
for a quarter of an hour at a time1 and 
the sashes were all burst4 ,every       
morning while this continued1 they were 
found shattered and torn1 yet ,i felt no
 fear4 ,i arose and lighted my wax      
candle at a lamp which ,i kept in my    
room1 because ,i had taken the office of
 sacristan and the care of waking the   
sisters at the hour they were to rise1  
without having once failed in it for my 
indispositions1 ever being the first in 
all the observances4 ,i made use of my  
little light to look all over the room  
and at the sashes1 at the very time the 
noise was strongest4 ,as he saw that ,i 
was afraid of nothing1 he left off all  

on a sudden1 and attacked me no more in 
person4 ,but he stirred up men against  
me1 and that succeeded far better with  
him2 for he found them disposed to do   
what he prompted them to1 zealously1    
inasmuch as they counted it a good thing
 to do me the worst of injuries4  ,one  
of the sisters whom ,i had brought with 
me1 a very beautiful girl1 contracted an
 intimacy with an ecclesiastic1 who had 
authority in this place4 ,at first he   
inspired her with an aversion for me1   
being well assured that if she placed   
confidence in me1 ,i should advise her  
not to suffer his visits so frequently4 
,she was undertaking a religious        
retreat4 ,that ecclesiastic was desirous
 to induce her to make it1 in order to  
gain her entire confidence1 which would 
have served as a cloak to his frequent  
visits4 ,the ,bishop of ,geneva had     
given ,father ,la ,combe for director to
 our house4 ,as he was going to cause   
retreats to be made1 ,i desired her to  
wait for him4 ,as ,i had gained some    

share in her esteem1 she submitted even 
against her inclination1 which was to   
have made it under this ecclesiastic4 ,i
 began to talk to her on the subject of 
inward prayer1 and drew her into the    
practice of this duty4 ,our ,lord gave  
such a blessing thereto1 that this girl 
gave herself to ,god in right earnest1  
and with her whole heart and the retreat
 completely won her over4 ,she then     
became more reserved1 and on her guard1 
toward this ecclesiastic1 which         
exceedingly vexed him4 ,it enraged him  
both against ,father ,la ,combe and me4 
,this proved the source of the          
persecutions which afterward befell me4 
,the noise in my chamber1 which may have
 been traced to him1 ended as these     
commenced4  ,this ecclesiastic began to 
talk privately of me with much contempt4
 ,i knew it1 but took no notice4 ,there 
came a certain friar to see him1 who    
mortally hated ,father ,la ,combe1 on   
account of his regularity4 ,these       
combined together to force me to quit   

the house1 that they might become       
masters of it4 ,all the means they could
 devise they used for that purpose4  ,my
 manner of life was such1 that in the   
house ,i did not meddle in affairs at   
all1 leaving the sisters to dispose of  
the temporalities as they pleased4 ,soon
 after my entrance into it ,i received  
eighteen hundred livres1 which a lady1 a
 friend of mine1 lent me to complete our
 furniture1 which ,i had repaid her at  
my late giving up of my estate4 ,this   
sum they received1 as well as what ,i   
had before given them4 ,i sometimes     
spoke a little to those who retired     
thither to become ,catholics4 ,our ,lord
 favored with so much benediction what  
,i said to them1 that some1 whom they   
knew not before what to make of1 became 
sensible1 solid women1 and exemplary in 
piety4  ,i saw crosses in abundance     
likely to fall to my lot4 ,at the same  
time these words came1 ,who for the joy 
that was set before him endured the     
cross4 ,heb4 #ab3b4 ,i prostrated myself

 for a long time with my face on the    
ground1 earnestly desiring to receive   
all thy strokes4 ,oh1 ,thou who spared  
not thine own son6 ,thou couldst find   
none but ,him worthy of ,thee1 and thou 
still findest in ,him hearts proper for 
thee4  ,a few days after my arrival at  
,gex1 ,i saw in a sacred and mysterious 
dream 7for as such ,i very well         
distinguished it7 ,father ,la ,combe    
fastened up to an enormous cross1       
stripped in like manner as they paint   
our ,saviour4 ,i saw around it a        
frightful crowd1 which covered me with  
confusion1 and threw back on me the     
ignominy of his punishment4 ,he seemed  
to have most pain1 but ,i more          
reproaches than he4 ,i have since beheld
 this fully accomplished4  ,the         
ecclesiastic won over to his party one  
of our sisters1 who was the             
house-steward and soon after the        
prioress4 ,i was very delicate1 the good
 inclination which ,i had did not give  
strength to my body4 ,i had two maids to

 serve me2 yet1 as the community had    
need of one of them for their cook1 and 
the other to attend the door and other  
occasions1 ,i gave them up1 not thinking
 but they would allow them to serve me  
sometimes4 ,besides this1 ,i let them   
still receive all my income1 they having
 had my first half of this year's       
annuity4 ,yet they would not permit     
either of my maid-servants1 to do       
anything for me4 ,by my office of       
sacristan ,i was obliged to sweep the   
church1 which was large1 and they would 
not let anyone help me4 ,i have several 
times fainted over the broom and have   
been forced to rest in corners4 ,this   
obliged me to beg them1 that they would 
suffer it sometimes to be swept by some 
of the strong country girls1 ,new       
,catholics1 to which at last they had   
the charity to consent4 ,what most      
embarrassed me was that ,i never had    
washed4 ,i was now obliged to wash all  
the vestry linen4 ,i took one of my     
maids to help me1 because in attempting 

it ,i had done up the linen most        
awkwardly4 ,these sisters pulled her by 
the arms out of my chamber1 telling her 
she should do her own work4 ,i let it   
quietly pass1 without making any        
objection4 ,the other good sister1 the  
girl ,i just mentioned1 grew more and   
more fervent4 ,by the practice of prayer
 in her dedication of herself to the    
,lord she became more and more tender in
 her sympathy with me4 ,it irritated    
this ecclesiastic4 ,after all his       
impotent attempts here1 he went off to  
,annecy1 in order to sow discord1 and to
 effect more mischief to ,father ,la    
,combe4     ,,chapter #f   ,he went     
directly to the ,bishop of ,geneva1 who 
till then had manifested much esteem and
 kindness for me4 ,he persuaded him1    
that it would be proper to secure me to 
that house1 to oblige me to give up to  
it the annual income ,i had reserved to 
myself2 to engage me thereto1 by making 
me prioress4 ,he had gained such an     
ascendancy over the ,bishop1 that the   

people in the country called him the    
,little ,bishop4 ,he drew him to enter  
heartily and with zeal into this        
proposition1 and to resolve to bring it 
about whatever it should cost4  ,the    
ecclesiastic1 having so far carried his 
point1 and being swelled with his       
success1 no longer kept any measures in 
regard to me4 ,he began with causing all
 the letters which ,i sent1 and those   
which were directed to me1 to be        
stopped4 ,that was in order to have it  
in his power to make what impressions he
 pleased on the minds of others1 and    
that ,i should neither be able to know  
it1 nor to defend myself1 nor to give or
 send to my friends any account of the  
manner in which ,i was treated4 ,one of 
the maids ,i had brought wanted to      
return4 ,she could have no rest in this 
place1 the other that remained was      
infirm1 too much taken up by others to  
help me in anything4 ,as ,father ,la    
,combe was soon to come1 ,i thought he  
would soften the violent spirit of this 

man1 and that he would give me proper   
advice4  ,in the meantime they proposed 
to me the engagement1 and the post of   
prioress4 ,i answered1 that as to the   
engagement it was impossible for me1    
since my vocation was elsewhere4 ,and ,i
 could not regularly be the prioress1   
till after passing through the          
novitiate1 in which they had all served 
two years before their being engaged4   
,when ,i should have done as much1 ,i   
should see how ,god would inspire me4   
,the prioress replied quite tartly1 that
 if ,i would ever leave them it were    
best for me to do it immediately4 ,yet  
,i did not offer to retire1 but         
continued still to act as usual4 ,i saw 
the sky gradually thickening and storms 
gathering on every side4 ,the prioress  
then affected a milder air4 ,she assured
 me1 that she had a desire1 as well as  
,i1 to go to ,geneva2 that ,i should not
 engage1 but only promise her to take   
her with me1 if ,i went thither4 ,she   
pretended to place a great confidence in

 me1 and professed a high esteem for me4
 ,as ,i am very free1 and have nothing  
but uprightness1 ,i let her know that ,i
 had no attraction for the manner of    
life of the ,new ,catholics1 by reason  
of the intrigues from without4 ,several 
things did not please me1 because ,i    
wanted them to be upright in everything4
 ,she signified that she did not consent
 to such things1 but because that       
ecclesiastic told her they were         
necessary to give the house a credit in 
distant parts and to draw charities from
 ,paris4 ,i answered that if we walked  
uprightly ,god would never fail us4 ,he 
would sooner do miracles for us4 ,i     
remarked to her that when1 instead of   
sincerity1 they had recourse to         
artifice1 charity grew cold1 and kept   
herself shut up4 ,it is ,god alone who  
inspires charity2 how1 then1 is it to be
 drawn by disguises8  ,soon after1      
,father ,la ,combe came about the       
retreats4 ,this was the third and last  
time that he came to ,gex4 ,this        

prioress1 after she had been tampering a
 good deal with me1 having written him a
 long letter before his coming1 and     
received his answer1 which she showed   
me1 now went to ask him whether she     
would one day be united to me at        
,geneva4 ,he answered with his usual    
uprightness1 ,our ,lord has made it     
known to me that you shall never be     
established at ,geneva4 ,soon after she 
died4 ,when he had uttered this         
declaration1 she appeared enraged       
against both him and me4 ,she went      
directly to that ecclesiastic1 who was  
in a room with the house-steward2 and   
they took their measures together1 to   
oblige me either to engage or retire4   
,they thought that ,i would sooner      
engage than retire1 and they watched my 
letters4  ,with a design to lay snares  
for him1 he requested ,father ,la ,combe
 to preach4 ,he did on this text ,the   
,king's daughter is beautiful within4   
,that ecclesiastic1 who was present with
 his confidant1 said that it was        

preached against him1 and was full of   
errors4 ,he drew up eight propositions1 
and inserted in them what the other had 
not preached1 adjusting them as         
maliciously as ever he could1 then sent 
them to one of his friends in ,rome1 to 
get them examined by the ,sacred        
,congregation1 and by the ,inquisition4 
,though he had very illy digested them1 
at ,rome they were pronounced good4     
,that greatly disappointed and vexed    
him4 ,after having been treated in this 
manner1 and opprobriously reviled by him
 in the most offensive terms1 the       
,father1 with much mildness and         
humility1 told him that he was going to 
,annecy about some affairs of the       
convent4 ,if he had anything to write to
 the ,bishop of ,geneva1 he would take  
care of his letter4 ,he then desired him
 to wait awhile1 as he was going to     
write4 ,the good ,father had the        
patience to wait above three hours1     
without hearing from him2 though he had 
treated him exceedingly ill1 so far as  

to snatch out of his hands a letter ,i  
had given him for that worthy hermit ,i 
have mentioned4 ,hearing he was not     
gone1 but was still in the church1 ,i   
went to him1 and begged him to send to  
see if the other's packet was ready4    
,the day was so far gone that he would  
be obliged to lodge by the way4 ,when   
the messenger arrived1 he found a       
servant of the ecclesiastic on          
horseback1 ordered to go at full speed1 
to be at ,annecy before the ,father4 ,he
 then returned an answer1 that he had no
 letters to send by him4 ,this was so   
contrived1 that he might gain time to   
prepossess the ,bishop for his purposes4
 ,father ,la ,combe then set off for    
,annecy1 and on his arrival found the   
,bishop prepossessed1 and in an ill     
humor4 ,this was the substance of the   
discourse4  ,,bishop--,you must         
absolutely engage this lady to give what
 she has to the house at ,gex1 and make 
her the prioress of it4  ,f4 ,,la       
,,combe--,my lord1 you know what she has

 told you herself of her vocation1 both 
at ,paris and in this country4 ,i       
therefore do not believe that she will  
engage2 nor is there any likelihood     
that1 after quitting her all1 in the    
hope of entering ,geneva1 she should    
engage elsewhere1 and thereby put it out
 of her power to accomplish the designs 
of ,god in regard to her4 ,she has      
offered to stay with those sisters as a 
boarder4 ,if they are willing to keep   
her as such1 she will remain with them2 
if not1 she is resolved to retire into  
some convent1 till ,god shall dispose of
 her otherwise4  ,,bishop--,i know all  
that2 but ,i likewise know that she is  
so very obedient1 that1 if you order    
her1 she will assuredly do it4  ,f4 ,,la
 ,,combe--,it is for that reason1 my    
lord1 that one ought to be very cautious
 in the commands which they lay on her4 
,can ,i induce a foreign lady1 who1 for 
all her subsistence1 has nothing but a  
small pittance she has reserved to      
herself1 to give that up in favor of a  

house which is not yet established1 and 
perhaps never will be8 ,if the house    
should happen to fail1 or be no longer  
of use1 what shall that lady live on8   
,shall she go to the hospital8 ,and     
indeed this house will not long be of   
any use1 since there are no ,protestants
 in any part of ,france near it4        
,,bishop--,these reasons are good for   
nothing4 ,if you do not make her do what
 ,i have said1 ,i will degrade and      
suspend you4  ,this manner of speaking  
somewhat surprised the ,father4 ,he well
 enough understands the rules of        
suspension1 which is not executed on    
such things4 ,he replied3  ,my lord1 ,i 
am ready1 not only to suffer the        
suspension1 but even death1 rather than 
do anything against my conscience4      
,having said that1 he retired4  ,he     
directly sent me this account by an     
express1 to the end that ,i might take  
proper measures4 ,i had no other course 
to take but to retire into a convent4 ,i
 received a letter informing me that the

 nun to whom ,i had entrusted my        
daughter had fallen sick1 and desiring  
me to go to her for some time4 ,i showed
 this letter to the sisters of our      
house1 telling them that ,i had a mind  
to go2 but if they ceased to persecute  
me1 and would leave ,father ,la ,combe  
in peace1 ,i would return as soon as the
 mistress of my daughter should be      
recovered4 ,instead of this1 they       
persecuted me more violently1 wrote to  
,paris against me1 stopped all my       
letters1 and sent libels against me     
around the country4  ,the day after my  
arrival at ,tonon1 ,father ,la ,combe   
set off for the valley of ,aoust1 to    
preach there in ,lent4 ,he had come to  
take leave of me1 and told me that he   
should go from thence to ,rome1 and     
perhaps not return1 as his superiors    
might detain him there2 that he was     
sorry to leave me in a strange country1 
without succor1 and persecuted of       
everyone4 ,i replied1 ,my father1 that  
gives me no pain2 ,i use the creatures  

for ,god1 and by ,his order4 ,through   
,his mercy1 ,i do very well without     
them1 when ,he withdraws them4 ,i am    
very well contented never to see you1   
and to abide under persecution1 if such 
be ,his will4 ,he said he would go well 
satisfied to see me in such a           
disposition1 and then departed4  ,as    
soon as ,i got to the ,ursulines1 a very
 aged and pious priest1 who for twenty  
years past had not come out of his      
solitude1 came to find me4 ,he told me  
that he had a vision relative to me2    
that he had seen a woman in a boat on   
the lake2 and that the ,bishop of       
,geneva1 with some of his priests1      
exerted all their efforts to sink the   
boat she was in1 and to drown her2 that 
he continued in this vision above two   
hours1 with pain of mind2 that it seemed
 sometimes as if this woman were quite  
drowned1 as for some time she quite     
disappeared2 but afterward she appeared 
again1 and ready to escape the danger1  
while the ,bishop never ceased to pursue

 her4 ,this woman was always equally    
calm2 but he never saw her entirely free
 from him4 ,from whence ,i conclude1    
added he1 that the ,bishop will         
persecute you without intermission4  ,i 
had an intimate friend1 wife of that    
governor of whom ,i have made some      
mention4 ,as she saw ,i had quitted     
everything for ,god1 she had a warm     
desire to follow me4 ,with diligence did
 she dispose of all her effects and     
settle her affairs in order to come to  
me2 but when she heard of the           
persecution1 she was discouraged from   
coming to a place1 from whence she      
thought ,i should be obliged to retire4 
,soon after she died4     ,,chapter #g  
,after ,father ,la ,combe was gone1 the 
persecution raised against me became    
more violent4 ,but the ,bishop of       
,geneva still showed me some civilities1
 as well to try whether he could prevail
 on me to do what he desired1 as to     
sound out how matters passed in ,france1
 and to prejudice the minds of the      

people there against me1 preventing me  
from receiving the letters sent me4 ,the
 ecclesiastic and his family had        
twenty-two intercepted letters1 opened1 
on their table4 ,there was one wherein  
was sent me a power of attorney to sign1
 of immediate consequence4 ,they were   
obliged to put it under another cover1  
and send it to me4 ,the bishop wrote to 
,father ,la ,mothe1 and had no          
difficulty to draw him into his party4  
,he was displeased with me on two       
accounts4 ,first1 that ,i had not       
settled on him a pension1 as he         
expected1 and as he told me very roughly
 several times4 ,second1 ,i did not take
 his advice in everything4 ,he at once  
declared against me4 ,the bishop made   
him his confidant4 ,it was he who       
uttered and spread abroad the news about
 me4 ,they imagined1 as was supposed1   
that ,i would annul the donation ,i had 
made1 if ,i returned2 that1 having the  
support of friends in ,france1 ,i would 
find the means of breaking it2 but in   

that they were much mistaken4 ,i had no 
thought of loving anything but the      
poverty of ,jesus ,christ4 ,for some    
time yet1 the ,father acted with caution
 toward me4 ,he wrote me some letters1  
which he addressed to the ,bishop of    
,geneva1 and they agreed so together1   
that he was the only person from whom ,i
 received any letters1 to which ,i      
returned very moving answers4 ,he1      
instead of being touched with them1     
became only more irritated against me4  
,the bishop continued to treat me with a
 show of respect2 yet at the same time  
he wrote to many persons in ,paris1 as  
did also the sisters of the house1 to   
all those persons of piety who had      
written letters to me1 to bias them as  
much as possible against me4 ,to avoid  
the blame which ought naturally to fall 
upon them for having so unworthily      
treated a person who have given up      
everything to devote herself to the     
service of that diocese4 ,after ,i had  
done this1 and was not in a condition to

 return to ,france1 they treated me     
extremely ill in every respect4 ,there  
was scarcely any kind of false or       
fabulous story1 likely to gain any      
credit1 which they did not invent to cry
 me down4 ,beside my having no way to   
make the truth known in ,france1 our    
,lord inspired me with a willingness to 
suffer everything1 without justifying   
myself2 so that in my case nothing was  
heard but condemnation1 without any     
vindication4  ,i was in this convent1   
and had seen ,father ,la ,combe no      
further than ,i have mentioned2 yet they
 did not cease to publish1 both of him  
and me1 the most scandalous stories2 as 
utterly false as anything could be1 for 
he was then a hundred and fifty leagues 
from me4  ,for some time ,i was ignorant
 of this4 ,as ,i knew that all my       
letters were kept from me1 ,i ceased to 
wonder at receiving none4 ,i lived in   
this house with my little daughter in a 
sweet repose1 which was a very great    
favor of ,providence4 ,my daughter had  

forgotten her ,french1 and among the    
little girls from the mountains had     
contracted a wild look and disagreeable 
manners4 ,her wit1 sense and judgment1  
were indeed surprising1 and her         
disposition exceedingly good4 ,there    
were only some little fits of           
peevishness1 which they had caused to   
arise in her1 through certain           
contrarieties out of season1 caresses   
ill applied1 and for want of knowing the
 proper manner of education4 ,but the   
,lord provided in regard to her4 ,during
 this time my mind was preserved calm   
and resigned to ,god4 ,afterward that   
good sister almost continually          
interrupted me2 ,i answered everything  
she desired of me1 both out of          
condescension1 and from a principle     
which ,i had to obey like a child4      
,when ,i was in my apartment1 without   
any other director than our ,lord by    
,his ,spirit1 as soon as one of my      
little children came to knock at my     
door1 he required me to admit the       

interruption4 ,he showed me that it is  
not the actions in themselves which     
please ,him1 but the constant ready     
obedience to every discovery of ,his    
will1 even in the minutest things1 with 
such a suppleness1 as not to stick to   
anything1 but still to turn with ,him at
 every call4 ,my soul was then1 ,i      
thought1 like a leaf1 or a feather1     
which the wind moves what way soever it 
pleases and the ,lord never suffers a   
soul so dependent upon1 and dedicated to
 ,him1 to be deceived4  ,most men appear
 to me very unjust1 when they readily   
resign themselves to another man1 and   
look upon that as prudence4 ,they       
confide in men who are nothing1 and     
boldly say1 ,such a person cannot be    
deceived4 ,but if one speaks of a soul  
wholly resigned to ,god1 which follows  
him faithfully1 they cry aloud1 ,that   
person is deceived with his resignation4
 ,oh1 divine ,love6 ,dost thou want     
either strength1 fidelity1 love1 or     
wisdom1 to conduct those who trust in   

thee and who are thy dearest children8  
,i have seen men bold enough to say1    
,follow me1 and you shall not be misled4
 ,how sadly are those men misled        
themselves by their presumption6 ,how   
much sooner should ,i go to him who     
would be afraid of misleading me2 who   
trusting neither to his learning nor    
experience1 would rely upon ,god only6  
,our ,lord showed me1 in a dream1 two   
ways by which souls steer their course1 
under the figure of two drops of water4 
,the one appeared to me of an           
unparalleled beauty1 brightness and     
purity2 the other to have also a        
brightness1 yet full of little streaks2 
both good to quench thirst2 the former  
altogether pleasant1 but the latter not 
so perfectly agreeable4 ,by the former  
is represented the way of pure and naked
 faith1 which pleases the ,spouse much1 
it is so pure1 so clear from all        
self-love4 ,the way of emotions or gifts
 is not so2 yet it is that in which many
 enlightened souls walk1 and into which 

they had drawn ,father ,la ,combe4 ,but 
,god showed me1 that ,he had given him  
to me1 to draw him into one more pure   
and perfect4 ,i spoke before the        
sisters1 he being present1 of the way of
 faith1 how much more glorious it was to
 ,god1 and advantageous for the soul1   
than all those gifts1 emotions and      
assurances1 which ever cause us to live 
to self4 ,this discouraged them at first
 and him also4 ,i saw they were pained1 
as they have confessed to me since4 ,i  
said no more of it at that time4 ,but1  
as he is a person of great humility1 he 
bid me unfold what ,i had wanted to say 
to him4 ,i told him a part of my dream  
of the two drops of water2 yet1 he did  
not then enter into what ,i said1 the   
time for it being not yet come4 ,when he
 came to ,gex1 it was to make the       
retreats4 ,i told him the circumstances 
of a certain time past2 he recollected  
that it was the time of so extraordinary
 a touch with which the ,lord favored   
him1 that he was quite overwhelmed with 

contrition4 ,this gave him such an      
interior renovation1 that having retired
 to pray1 in a very ardent frame of     
mind1 he was filled with joy1 and seized
 with a powerful emotion1 which made him
 enter into what ,i had told him of the 
way of faith4 ,i give these things1 as  
they happen to come to my remembrance1  
without carrying them on in order4      
,after ,easter1 in #afhb1 the bishop    
came to ,tonon4 ,i had occasion to speak
 to him1 which when ,i had done1 our    
,lord so pointed my words that he       
appeared thoroughly convinced4 ,but the 
persons who had influenced him before   
returned4 ,he then pressed me very much 
to return to ,gex and to take the place 
of ,prioress4 ,i gave him the reasons   
against it4 ,i then appealed to him1 as 
a bishop1 desiring him to take care to  
regard nothing but ,god in what he      
should say to me4 ,he was struck into a 
kind of confusion2 and then said to me1 
,since you speak to me in such a manner1
 ,i cannot advise you to it4 ,it is not 

for us to go contrary to our vocations2 
but do good1 ,i pray you1 to this house4
 ,i promised him to do it4 ,having      
received my pension1 ,i sent them a     
hundred pistoles1 with a design of doing
 the same as long as ,i should be in the
 diocese4 ,the bishop said to me1 ,i    
love ,father ,la ,combe4 ,he is a true  
servant of ,god and he has told me many 
things to which ,i was forced to assent 
for ,i felt them in myself4 ,but1 added 
he1 when ,i say so1 they tell me ,i am  
mistaken1 and that before the end of six
 months he will run mad4 ,he told me1 he
 approved of the nuns1 which had been   
under the care and instruction of       
,father ,la ,combe1 finding them to come
 up fully to what he had heard of them4 
,from thence ,i took occasion to tell   
him that in everything he ought to refer
 himself to his own breast1 or to the   
instructions there immediately received1
 and not to others4 ,he agreed to what  
,i said1 and acknowledged it to be      
right2 yet no sooner was he returned1   

than1 so great was his weakness that he 
re-entered into his former dispositions4
 ,he sent the same ecclesiastic to tell 
me that ,i must engage myself at ,gex2  
that it was his sentiment4 ,i answered1 
that ,i was determined to follow the    
counsel he had given me1 when he had    
spoken to me as from ,god1 since now    
they made him speak only as man4        
,,chapter #h   ,my soul was in a state  
of entire resignation and very great    
content1 in the midst of such violent   
tempests4 ,those persons came to tell me
 a hundred extravagant stories against  
,father ,la ,combe4 ,the more they said 
to me to his disadvantage1 the more     
esteem ,i felt for him4 ,i answered     
them1 ,perhaps ,i may never see him     
again1 but ,i shall ever be glad to do  
him justice4 ,it is not he who hinders  
me from engaging at ,gex4 ,it is only   
because ,i know it to be none of my     
vocation4 ,they asked me1 ,who could    
know that better than the bishop8 ,they 
further told me1 ,i was under a         

deception1 and my state was good for    
nothing4 ,this gave me no uneasiness1   
having referred to ,god the care of     
requiring1 and of exacting what ,he     
requires1 and in whatever manner ,he    
demands it4  ,a soul in this state seeks
 nothing for itself1 but all for ,god4  
,some may say1 ,what1 then1 does this   
soul8 ,it leaves itself to be conducted 
by ,god's providences and creatures4    
,outwardly1 its life seems quite common2
 inwardly1 it is wholly resigned to the 
divine will4 ,the more everything       
appears adverse1 and even desperate1 the
 more calm it is1 in spite of the       
annoyance and pain of the senses and of 
the creatures1 which1 for some time     
after the new life1 raise some clouds   
and obstructions1 as ,i have already    
signified4 ,but when the soul is        
entirely passed into its original       
,being1 all these things no more cause  
any separation or partition4 ,it finds  
no more of that impurity which came from
 self-seeking1 from a human manner of   

acting1 from an unguarded word1 from any
 warm emotion or eagerness1 which caused
 such a mist1 as it then could neither  
prevent nor remedy1 having so often     
experienced its own efforts1 to be      
useless1 and even hurtful1 as they did  
nothing else but sill more and more     
defile it4 ,there is in such case no    
other way or means of remedy1 but in    
waiting till the ,sun of ,righteousness 
dissipate those fogs4 ,the whole work of
 purification comes from ,god only4     
,afterward this conduct becomes natural2
 then the soul can say with the royal   
prophet1 ,though an host should encamp  
against me1 my heart shall not fear4    
,though war should rise up against me1  
in him will ,i confide4 ,for then1      
though assaulted on every side1 it      
continues fixed as a rock4 ,having no   
will but for what ,god sees meet to     
order1 be it what it may1 high or low1  
great or small1 sweet or bitter1 honor1 
wealth1 life1 or any other object1 what 
can shake its peace8 ,it is true1 our   

nature is so crafty that it worms itself
 through everything2 a selfish sight is 
like the basilisk's1 it destroys4       
,trial are suited to the state of the   
soul1 whether conducted by lights1      
gifts1 or ecstasies1 or by the entire   
destruction of self in the way of naked 
faith4 ,both these states are found in  
the apostle ,paul4 ,he tells us1 ,and   
lest ,i should be exalted above measure1
 through the abundance of revelations1  
there was given to me a thorn in the    
flesh1 the messenger of ,satan to buffet
 me4 ,he prayed thrice1 and it was said 
to him1 ,my grace is sufficient for     
thee2 for my strength is made perfect in
 weakness4 ,he proved also another state
 when he thus expressed himself1 ,oh1   
wretched man that ,i am6 who shall      
deliver me from the body of this death8 
,to which he replies1 ,i thank ,god1 it 
is done through ,jesus ,christ our      
,lord4 ,it is ,he who conquers death in 
us through ,his own life4 ,then there is
 no longer a sting in death1 or thorn in

 the flesh1 capable of paining or       
hurting any more4  ,at first indeed1 and
 for a pretty long time after1 the soul 
sees that nature wants to take some part
 with it in its trials2 then its        
fidelity consists in withholding it1    
without allowing it the least           
indulgence1 till it leaves everything to
 go on with ,god in purity as it comes  
from ,him4 ,till the soul be in this    
state1 it always sullies1 by its own    
mixture1 the operation of ,god2 like    
those rivulets which contract the       
corruption of the places they pass      
through1 but1 flowing in a pure place1  
they then remain in the purity of their 
source4 ,unless ,god through experience1
 makes known ,his guidance to the soul1 
it can never comprehend it4  ,oh1 if    
souls had courage enough to resign      
themselves to the work of purification1 
without having any weak and foolish pity
 on themselves1 what a noble1 rapid and 
happy progress would they make6 ,but few
 are willing to lose the earth4 ,if they

 advance some steps1 as soon as the sea 
is ruffled they are dejected2 they cast 
anchor1 and often desist from the       
prosecution of the voyage4 ,such        
disorders doth selfish interest and     
self-love occasion4 ,it is of           
consequence not to look too much at     
one's own state1 not to lose courage1   
not to afford any nourishment to        
self-love1 which is so deep-rooted1 that
 its empire is not easily demolished4   
,often the idea which a man falsely     
conceives of the greatness of his       
advancement in divine experience1 makes 
him want to be seen and known of men1   
and to wish to see the very same        
perfection in others4 ,he conceives too 
low ideas of others1 and too high of his
 own state4 ,then it becomes a pain to  
him to converse with people too human2  
whereas1 a soul truly mortified and     
resigned would rather converse with the 
worst1 by the order of ,providence1 than
 with the best1 of its own choice2      
wanting only to see or to speak to any  

as ,providence directs1 knowing well    
that all beside1 far from helping1 only 
hurt it1 or at least prove very         
unfruitful to it4  ,what1 then1 renders 
this soul so perfectly content8 ,it     
neither knows1 nor wants to know1       
anything but what ,god calls it to4     
,herein it enjoys divine content1 after 
a manner vast1 immense1 and independent 
of exterior events2 more satisfied in   
its humiliation1 and in the opposition  
of all creatures1 by the order of       
,providence1 than on the throne of its  
own choice4  ,it is here that the       
apostolic life begins4 ,but do all reach
 that state8 ,very few1 indeed1 as far  
as ,i can comprehend4 ,there is a way of
 lights1 gifts and graces1 a holy life  
in which the creature appears all       
admirable4 ,as this life is more        
apparent1 so it is more esteemed of     
such1 at least1 as have not the purest  
light4 ,the souls which walk in the     
other path are often very little known1 
for a length of time1 as it was with    

,jesus ,christ ,himself1 till the last  
years of ,his life4 ,oh1 if ,i could but
 express what ,i conceive of this state6
 ,but ,i can only stammer about it4     
,,chapter #i   ,being1 as ,i have said1 
with the ,ursulines at ,tonon1 after    
having spoken to the ,bishop of ,geneva1
 and seeing how he changed1 just as     
others turned him1 ,i wrote to him and  
to ,father ,la ,mothe2 but all my       
efforts were useless4 ,the more ,i      
endeavored to accommodate matters1 the  
more the ecclesiastic tried to confound 
them1 hence ,i ceased to meddle4  ,one  
day ,i was told that the ecclesiastic   
had won over the good girl whom ,i      
dearly loved4 ,so strong a desire ,i had
 for her perfection that it had cost me 
much4 ,i should not have felt the death 
of a child so much as her loss2 at the  
same time ,i was told how to hinder it1 
but that human way of acting was        
repugnant to my inward sense2 these     
words arose in my heart1 ,except the    
,lord build the house4  ,and indeed ,he 

provided herein ,himself1 hindering her 
from yielding to this deceitful man1    
after a manner to be admired1 and very  
thwarting to the designs of him and his 
associates4 ,as long as ,i was with her 
she still seemed wavering and fearful2  
but oh1 the infinite goodness of ,god1  
to preserve without our aid what without
 ,his we should inevitably lose6 ,i was 
no sooner separated from her1 but she   
became immovable4  ,as for me1 there    
scarcely passed a day but they treated  
me with new insults2 their assaults came
 on me at unawares4 ,the ,new           
,catholics1 by the instigation of the   
,bishop of ,geneva1 the ecclesiastic1   
and the sisters at ,gex1 stirred up all 
the persons of piety against me4 ,i had 
but little uneasiness on my own account4
 ,if ,i could have had it at all1 it    
would have been on account of ,father   
,la ,combe1 whom they vilely aspersed1  
though he was absent4 ,they even made   
use of his absence1 to overset all the  
good he had done in the country1 by his 

missions and pious labors1 which were   
inconceivably great4 ,at first ,i was   
too ready to vindicate him1 thinking it 
justice to do it4 ,i did not do it at   
all for myself2 and our ,lord showed me 
that ,i must cease doing it for him1 in 
order to leave him to be more thoroughly
 annihilated2 because from thence he    
would draw a greater glory1 than ever he
 had done from his own reputation4      
,every day then invented some new       
slander4 ,no kind of stratagem1 or      
malicious device in their power1 did    
they omit4 ,they came to surprise and   
ensnare me in my words2 but ,god guarded
 me so well1 that therein they only     
discovered their own malevolence4 ,i had
 no consolation from the creatures4 ,she
 who had the care of my daughter behaved
 roughly to me4 ,such are the persons   
who regulate themselves only by their   
gifts and emotions4 ,when they do not   
see things succeed1 and as they regard  
them only by their success1 and are not 
willing to have the affront of their    

pretensions being though uncertain1 and 
liable to mistake1 they seek without for
 supports4 ,as for me who pretended to  
nothing1 ,i thought all succeeded well1 
inasmuch as all tended to               
self-annihilation4 ,on another side1 the
 maid ,i had brought1 and who stayed    
with me1 grew tired out4 ,wanting to go 
back again1 she stunned me with her     
complaints1 thwarting and chiding me    
from morning till night1 upbraiding me  
with what ,i had left1 and coming to a  
place where ,i was good for nothing4 ,i 
was obliged to bear all her ill-humor   
and the clamor of her tongue4  ,my own  
brother1 ,father ,la ,mothe1 wrote to me
 that ,i was rebel to my bishop1 staying
 in his diocese only to give him pain4  
,indeed1 ,i saw there was nothing for me
 to do here1 so long as the bishop      
should be against me4 ,i did what ,i    
could to gain his goodwill1 but this was
 impossible on any other terms than the 
engagement he demanded1 and that ,i knew
 to be my duty not to do4 ,this1 joined 

to the poor education of my daughter1   
affected my heart4 ,when any glimmering 
of hope appeared1 it soon vanished2 and 
,i gained strength from a sort of       
despair4  ,during this time ,father ,la 
,combe was at ,rome1 where he was       
received with so much honor1 and his    
doctrine was so highly esteemed1 that   
the ,sacred ,congregation was pleased to
 take his sentiments on some points of  
doctrine1 which were found to be so     
just1 and so clear1 that it followed    
them4 ,meanwhile the sister would take  
no care of my daughter2 when ,i took    
care of her she was displeased4 ,i was  
not able1 by any means1 to prevail on   
her to promise me that she would try to 
prevent her contracting bad habits4     
,however1 ,i hoped that ,father ,la     
,combe1 at his return1 would bring      
everything into order1 and renew my     
consolation4 ,yet ,i left it all to     
,god4  ,about ,july1 #afhb1 my sister1  
who was an ,ursuline1 got permission to 
come4 ,she brought a maid with her1     

which was very seasonable4 ,my sister   
assisted in the education of my         
daughter1 but she had frequent jarring  
with her tutoress--,i labored but in    
vain for peace4 ,by some instances which
 ,i met with in this place1 ,i saw      
clearly that it is not great gifts which
 sanctify1 unless they be accompanied   
with a profound humility2 that death to 
everything is infinitely more           
beneficial2 for there was one who       
thought herself at the summit of        
perfection1 but has discovered since1 by
 the trials which have befallen her1    
that she was yet very far from it4 ,o1  
my ,god1 how true it is that we may have
 of ,thy gifts1 and yet be very         
imperfect1 and full of ourselves6  ,how 
very straight is the gate which leads to
 a life in ,god6 ,how little one must be
 to pass through it1 it being nothing   
else but death to self6 ,but when we    
have passed through it1 what enlargement
 do we find6 ,david said1 7,psalm       
#ah3ai7 ,he brought me forth into a     

large place4 ,and it was through        
humiliation and abasement that he was   
brought thither4  ,father ,la ,combe1 on
 his arrival1 came to see me4 ,the first
 thing he said was about his own        
weakness1 and that ,i must return4 ,he  
added1 that all seemed dark1 and there  
was no likelihood that ,god would make  
use of me in this country4 ,the ,bishop 
of ,geneva wrote to ,father ,la ,mothe  
to get me to return2 he wrote to me     
accordingly to do it4 ,the first ,lent  
which ,i passed with the ,ursulines1 ,i 
had a very great pain in my eyes2 for   
that same imposthume which ,i formerly  
had between the eye and the nose1       
returned upon me three times4 ,the bad  
air1 and the noisome room which ,i was  
in1 contributed hereto4 ,my head was    
frightfully swelled1 but great was my   
inward joy4 ,it was strange to see so   
many good creatures1 who did not know   
me1 love and pity me2 all the rest      
enraged against me1 and most of them on 
reports entirely false1 neither knowing 

me1 nor why they so hated me4 ,to swell 
the stream of affliction yet more1 my   
daughter fell sick and was likely to    
die2 there was but little hope of her   
recovery1 when her mistress also fell   
ill4 ,my soul1 leaving all to ,god1     
continued to rest in a quiet and        
peaceable habitation4 ,oh1 ,principal   
and sole object of my love6 ,were there 
never any other reward of what little   
services we do1 or of the marks of      
homage we render ,thee1 than this fixed 
state above the vicissitudes in the     
world1 is it not enough8 ,the senses    
indeed are sometimes ready to start     
aside1 and to run off like truants2 but 
every trouble flies before the soul     
which is entirely subjected to ,god4 ,by
 speaking of a fixed state1 ,i do not   
mean one which can never decline or     
fall1 that being only in ,heaven4 ,i    
call it fixed and permanent1 compared   
with the states which have preceded it1 
which were full of vicissitudes and     
variations4 ,i do not exclude a state of

 suffering in the senses1 or arising    
from superficial impurity1 which remains
 to be done away1 and which one may     
compare to refined but tarnished gold4  
,it has no more need to be purified in  
the fire1 having undergone that         
operation2 but needs only to be         
burnished4 ,so it seemed to be with me  
at that time4     ,,chapter #aj   ,my   
daughter had the smallpox4 ,they sent   
for a physician from ,geneva1 who gave  
her over4 ,father ,la ,combe then came  
in to visit1 and pray with her4 ,he gave
 her his blessing2 soon after she       
wonderfully recovered4 ,the persecution 
of the ,new ,catholics against me       
continued and increased2 yet1 for all   
that1 ,i did not fail to do them all the
 good in my power4 ,my daughter's       
mistress came often to converse with me1
 but much imperfection appeared in her  
discourses1 though they were on         
religious subjects4 ,father ,la ,combe  
regulated many things in regard to my   
daughter1 which vexed her mistress so   

much1 that her former friendship was    
turned into coldness4 ,she had grace1   
but suffered nature too frequently to   
prevail4 ,i told her my thought on her  
faults1 as ,i was inwardly directed to  
do2 but though1 at that time1 ,god      
enlightened her to see the truth of what
 ,i said1 and she has been more         
enlightened since1 yet the return of her
 coldness toward me ensued upon it4 ,the
 debates between her and my sister grew 
more tart and violent4 ,my daughter1 who
 was only six years and a half old1 by  
her little dexterities found a way to   
please them both1 choosing to do her    
exercises twice over1 first with the    
one1 then with the other1 which         
continued not long2 for as her mistress 
generally neglected her1 doing things at
 one time1 and leaving them at another1 
she was reduced to learn only what my   
sister and ,i taught her4 ,indeed the   
changeableness of my sister was so      
excessive1 that1 without great grace1 it
 was hard to suit one's self to it2 yet 

she appeared to me to surmount herself  
in many things4 ,formerly1 ,i could     
scarce bear her manners2 but ,i have    
since loved everything in ,god1 who has 
given me a very great facility to bear  
the faults of my neighbor1 with a       
readiness to please and oblige everyone 
and such a compassion for their         
calamities or distresses as ,i never had
 before4  ,i have no difficulty to use  
condescension with imperfect persons2 ,i
 should be secretly smitten if ,i failed
 therein2 but with souls of grace ,i    
cannot bear this human manner of acting1
 nor suffer long and frequent           
conversations4 ,it is a thing of which  
few are capable4 ,some religious persons
 say that these conversations are of    
great service4 ,i believe it may be true
 for some1 but not for all2 for there is
 a period wherein it hurts1 especially  
when it is of our own choice2 the human 
inclination corrupting everything4 ,the 
same things which would be profitable1  
when ,god1 by ,his ,spirit1 draws to    

them1 become quite otherwise1 when we of
 ourselves enter into them4 ,this       
appears to me so clear1 that ,i prefer  
being a whole day with the worst of     
persons1 in obedience to ,god1 before   
being one hour with the best1 only from 
my own choice and inclination4  ,the    
order of divine providence makes the    
whole rule and conduct of a soul        
entirely devoted to ,god4 ,while it     
faithfully gives itself up thereto1 it  
will do all things right and well1 and  
will have everything it wants1 without  
its own care2 because ,god in whom it   
confides1 makes it every moment do what 
,he requires1 and furnishes the         
occasions proper for it4 ,god loves what
 is of ,his own order1 and of ,his own  
will1 not according to the idea of the  
merely rational or even enlightened man2
 for ,he hides these persons from the   
eyes of others1 in order to preserve    
them in that hidden purity for ,himself4
  ,but how comes it that such souls     
commit any faults2 because they are not 

faithful1 in giving themselves up to the
 present moment4 ,often too eagerly bent
 on something1 or wanting to be         
over-faithful1 they slide into many     
faults1 which they can neither foresee  
nor avoid4 ,does ,god then leave souls  
which confide in ,him8 ,surely not4     
,sooner would ,he work a miracle to     
hinder them from falling1 if they were  
resigned enough to ,him4 ,they may be   
resigned as to the general will1 and yet
 fail as to the present moment4 ,being  
out of the order of ,god1 they fall4    
,they renew such falls as long as they  
continue out of that divine order4 ,when
 they return into it1 all goes right and
 well4  ,most assuredly if such souls   
were faithful enough1 not to let any of 
the moments of the order of ,god slip   
over1 they would not thus fall4 ,this   
appears to me as clear as the day4 ,as a
 dislocated bone out of the place in    
which the economy of divine wisdom had  
fixed it1 gives continual pain till     
restored to its proper order1 so the    

many troubles in life come from the soul
 not abiding in its place1 and not being
 content with the order of ,god1 and    
what is afforded therein from moment to 
moment4 ,if men rightly knew this       
secret1 they would all be fully content 
and satisfied4 ,but alas6 instead of    
being content with what they have1 they 
are ever wishing for what they have not2
 while the soul1 which enters into      
divine light begins to be in paradise4  
,what is it that makes paradise8 ,it is 
the order of ,god1 which renders all the
 saints infinitely content1 though very 
unequal in glory6 ,from whence comes it 
that so many poor indigent persons are  
so contented1 and that princes and      
potentates1 who abound to profusion1 are
 so wretched and unhappy8 ,it is because
 the man who is not content with what he
 has1 will never be without craving     
desires2 and he who is the prey of an   
unsatisfied desire1 can never be        
content4  ,all souls have more or less  
of strong and ardent desires1 except    

those whose will is lost in the will of 
,god4 ,some have good desires1 so as to 
suffer martyrdom for ,god2 others thirst
 for the salvation of their neighbor1   
and some pant to see ,god in glory4 ,all
 this is excellent4 ,but he who rests in
 the divine will1 although he may be    
exempt from all these desires1 is       
infinitely more content1 and glorifies  
,god more4 ,it is written concerning    
,jesus ,christ1 when he drove out of the
 temple those who profaned it4 ,the zeal
 of thine house hath eaten me up4 ,john 
#b3ag4 ,it was in that moment of the    
order of ,god1 that these words had     
their effect4 ,how many times had ,jesus
 ,christ been in the temple without such
 a conduct8 ,does not ,he occasionally  
say of ,himself1 that ,his hour was not 
yet come8     ,,chapter #aa   ,after    
,father ,la ,combe returned from ,rome1 
well approved1 and furnished with       
testimonials of life and doctrine1 he   
performed his functions of preaching and
 confessing as usual4 ,i gave him an    

account of what ,i had done and suffered
 in his absence1 and what care ,god had 
taken of all my concerns4 ,i saw his    
providence incessantly extended to the  
very smallest things4 ,after having been
 several months without any news of my  
papers1 when some pressed me to write1  
and blamed my neglect1 an invisible hand
 held me back2 my peace and confidence  
were great4 ,i received a letter from   
the ecclesiastic at home1 which informed
 me that he had orders to come and see  
me1 and bring my papers4 ,i had sent to 
,paris for a pretty considerable bundle 
of things for my daughter4 ,i heard they
 were lost on the lake1 and could learn 
no further tidings about them4  ,i gave 
myself no trouble2 ,i always thought    
they would be found4 ,the man who had   
taken charge of them made a search after
 them a whole month1 in all the         
environs1 without hearing any news4 ,at 
the end of three months they were       
brought to me1 having been found in the 
house of a poor man1 who had not opened 

them1 nor knew who brought them there4  
,once ,i had sent for all the money     
which was to serve me a whole year2 the 
person who had been to receive cash for 
the bill of exchange1 having put that   
money in two bags on horseback1 forgot  
that it was there1 and gave the horse to
 a little boy to lead4 ,the money fell  
from the horse in the middle of the     
market at ,geneva4 ,that instant ,i     
arrived1 coming on the other side1 and  
having alighted from my litter1 the     
first thing ,i found was my money4 ,what
 was surprising1 a great throng was in  
this place and not one had perceived it4
 ,many such things have attended me4    
,these accounts may suffice to show the 
continual protection of ,god4  ,the     
,bishop of ,geneva continued to         
persecute me4 ,when he wrote1 it was    
with politeness and thanks for my       
charities at ,gex2 while at the same    
time he said to others that ,i gave     
nothing to that house4 ,he wrote against
 me to the ,ursulines with whom ,i      

lived1 charging them to hinder me from  
having any conferences with ,father ,la 
,combe4 ,the superior of the house1 a   
man of merit1 and the prioress1 as well 
as the community1 were so irritated at  
this1 that they could not forbear       
testifying it to him4 ,he then excused  
himself with a pretended respect1       
saying1 he did not mean it that way4    
,they wrote to him that ,i did not see  
the ,father but at the confessional1 and
 not in conference2 that they were so   
much edified by me1 as to think         
themselves happy in having me1 and to   
esteem it a greater favor from ,god4    
,what they said out of pure charity was 
not pleasing to the ,bishop1 who1 seeing
 they loved me in this house1 said1 that
 ,i won over everybody to myself and    
that he wished ,i were out of the       
diocese4 ,though ,i knew all this1 and  
these good sisters were troubled at it1 
,i could have no trouble by reason of   
the calm establishment which ,i was in4 
,the will of ,god rendering everything  

equal to me4 ,the creatures1 however    
unreasonable or passionate they appear1 
not being regarded in themselves but in 
,god2 an habitual faith causes          
everything to be seen in ,god without   
distinction4 ,thus1 when ,i see poor    
souls so ruffled for discourses in the  
air1 so uneasy for explanations1 ,i pity
 them4 ,they have reasons1 ,i know1     
which self-love causes to appear very   
just4  ,to relieve myself a little from 
the fatigue of continual conversation1  
,i desired ,father ,la ,combe to allow  
me a retreat4 ,it was then that ,i let  
myself be consumed by love all the day  
long4 ,also ,i perceived the quality of 
a spiritual mother2 for the ,lord gave  
me what ,i cannot express for the       
perfection of souls4 ,this ,i could not 
hide from ,father ,la ,combe4 ,it seemed
 to me as if ,i entered into the inmost 
recesses of his heart4 ,our ,lord showed
 me he was ,his servant1 chosen among a 
thousand1 singularly to honor ,him2 but 
that ,he would lead him through total   

death1 and the entire destruction of the
 old man4 ,he would have me contribute  
thereto and be instrumental to cause him
 to walk in the way in which ,he had led
 me first2 in order that ,i might be in 
a condition to direct others1 to tell   
them the way through which ,i have      
passed4 ,the ,lord would have us to be  
conformed1 and to become both one in    
,him2 though my soul was more advanced  
now1 yet he should one day pass beyond  
it1 with a bold and rapid flight4 ,god  
knows with what joy ,i would see my     
spiritual children surpass their mother4
  ,in this retreat ,i felt a strong     
propensity to write1 but resisted it    
till ,i fell sick4 ,i had nothing to    
write about1 not one idea to begin with4
 ,it was a divine impulse1 with such a  
fulness of grace as was hard to contain4
 ,i opened this disposition of mine to  
,father ,la ,combe4 ,he answered that he
 had a strong impulse to command me to  
write1 but had not dared to do it yet1  
on account of my weakness4 ,i told him1 

that weakness was the effect of my      
resistance1 and ,i believed it would1   
through my writing1 go off again4 ,he   
asked1 ,but what is it you will write8  
,i replied1 ,i know nothing of it1 nor  
desire to know1 leaving it entirely to  
,god to direct me4  ,he ordered me to do
 so4 ,at my taking the pen ,i knew not  
the first word ,i should write2 when ,i 
began1 suitable matter flowed copiously1
 nay1 impetuously4 ,as ,i was writing ,i
 was relieved and grew better4 ,i wrote 
an entire treatise on the interior path 
of faith1 under the comparison of       
torrents1 or of streams and rivers4  ,as
 the way1 wherein ,god now conducted    
,father ,la ,combe1 was very different  
from that in which he had formerly      
walked 7all light1 knowledge1 ardor1    
assurance1 sentiment7 now the poor1 low1
 despised path of faith1 and of         
nakedness2 he found it very hard to     
submit thereto4 ,who could express what 
it has cost my heart before he was      
formed according to the will of ,god8   

,meanwhile1 the possession which the    
,lord had of my soul became every day   
stronger1 insomuch that ,i passed whole 
days without being able to pronounce one
 word4 ,the ,lord was pleased to make me
 pass wholly into ,him by an entire     
internal transformation4 ,he became more
 and more the absolute master of my     
heart1 to such a degree as not to leave 
me a movement of my own4 ,this state did
 not hinder me from condescending to my 
sister1 and the others in the house4    
,nevertheless1 the useless things with  
which they were taken up could not      
interest me4 ,that was what induced me  
to ask leave to make a retreat1 to let  
myself be possessed of ,him who holds me
 so closely to ,himself after an        
ineffable manner4     ,,chapter #ab   ,i
 had at that time so ardent a desire for
 the perfection of ,father ,la ,combe1  
and to see him thoroughly die to        
himself1 that ,i could have wished him  
all the crosses and afflictions         
imaginable1 that might conduce to this  

great and blessed end4 ,whenever he was 
unfaithful1 or looked at things in any  
other light than the true one--to tend  
to this death of self--,i felt myself on
 the rack1 which1 as ,i had till then   
been so indifferent1 very much surprised
 me4 ,to the ,lord ,i made my complaint2
 ,he graciously encouraged me1 both on  
this subject and on that entire         
dependence on ,himself which ,he gave   
me1 which was such that ,i was like a   
new born infant4  ,my sister had brought
 me a maid1 whom ,god was willing to    
give me to fashion according to ,his    
will1 not without some crucifixion to   
myself4 ,i believe it never is to fall  
out1 that our ,lord will give me any    
persons without giving them wherewith to
 make me suffer1 whether it be for the  
purpose of drawing them into a spiritual
 life1 or never to leave me without the 
cross4 ,she was one on whom the ,lord   
had conferred very singular graces4 ,she
 was in high reputation in the country1 
where she passed for a saint4 ,our ,lord

 brought her to me1 to let her see the  
difference between the sanctity         
conceived and comprised in those gifts1 
with which she was endowed1 and that    
which is obtained by our entire         
destruction1 even by the loss of those  
very gifts1 and of all that raised us in
 the esteem of men4 ,our ,lord had given
 her the same dependence on me1 as ,i   
had in regard to ,father ,la ,combe4    
,this girl fell grievously sick4 ,i was 
willing to give her all the assistance  
in my power1 but ,i found ,i had nothing
 to do but to command her bodily        
sickness1 or the disposition of her     
mind2 all that ,i said was done4 ,it was
 then that ,i learned what it was to    
command by the ,word1 and to obey by the
 ,word4 ,it was ,jesus ,christ in me    
equally commanding and obeying4  ,she1  
however1 continued sick for sometime4   
,one day1 after dinner1 ,i was moved to 
say to her1 ,rise and be no longer sick4
 ,she arose and was cured4 ,the nuns    
were very much astonished4 ,they knew   

nothing of what had passed1 but saw her 
walking1 who in the morning had appeared
 to be in the last extremity4 ,they     
attributed her disorder to a vivid      
imagination4  ,i have at sundry times   
experienced1 and felt in myself1 how    
much ,god respects the freedom of man1  
even demands his free concurrence2 for  
when ,i said1 ,be healed1 or1 ,be free  
from your troubles1 if such persons     
acquiesced1 the ,word was efficacious1  
and they were healed4 ,if they doubted1 
or resisted1 though under fair pretexts1
 saying1 ,i shall be healed when it     
pleases ,god1 ,i will not be healed till
 ,he wills it2 or1 in the way of        
despair1 ,i cannot be healed2 ,i will   
not quit my condition1 then the ,word   
had no effect4 ,i felt in myself that   
the divine virtue retired in me4 ,i     
experienced what our ,lord said1 when   
the woman afflicted with the issue of   
blood touched him4 ,he instantly asked1 
,who touched me8 ,the apostles said1    
,master1 the multitude throng thee1 and 

press thee2 and sayest thou1 ,who       
touched me8 ,he replied1 ,it is because 
virtue hath gone out of me 7,luke #h3de1
 #df74 ,jesus ,christ had caused that   
healing virtue to flow1 through me1 by  
means of ,his ,word4 ,when that virtue  
met not with a correspondence in the    
subject1 ,i felt it suspended in its    
source4 ,that gave me some pain4 ,i     
should be1 as it were1 displeased with  
those persons2 but when there was no    
resistance1 but a full acquiescence1    
this divine virtue had its full effect4 
,healing virtue has so much power over  
things inanimate1 yet the least thing in
 man either restrains it1 or stops it   
entirely4  ,there was a good nun much   
afflicted and under a violent           
temptation4 ,she went to declare her    
case to a sister whom she thought very  
spiritual1 and in a condition capable of
 assisting her4 ,but far from finding   
succor1 she was very much discouraged   
and cast down4 ,the other despised and  
repulsed her1 and treating her with     

contempt and rigor1 she said1 ,don't    
come near me1 since you are that way4   
,this poor girl1 in a frightful         
distress1 came to me thinking herself   
undone on account of what the sister had
 said to her4 ,i consoled her and our   
,lord relieved her immediately4 ,but ,i 
could not forbear telling her that      
assuredly the other would be punished1  
and would fall into a state worse than  
hers4 ,the sister who had used her in   
such a manner came also to me1 highly   
pleased with herself in what she had    
done1 saying1 she abhorred such tempted 
creatures4 ,as for herself1 she was     
proof against such sorts of temptations1
 and that she never had a bad thought4  
,i said to her1 ,my sister1 from the    
friendship ,i have for you ,i wish you  
the pain of her who spoke to you1 and   
even one still more violent4  ,she      
answered haughtily1 ,if you were to ask 
it from ,god for me1 and ,i ask of ,him 
the contrary1 ,i believe ,i shall be    
heard at least as soon as you4  ,i      

answered with great firmness1 ,if it be 
only my own interests which ,i ask1 ,i  
shall not be heard2 but if it be those  
of ,god only1 and yours too1 ,i shall be
 heard sooner than you are aware4 ,that 
very night she fell into so violent a   
temptation that one equal to it has     
seldom been known4 ,it was then she had 
ample occasion to acknowledge her own   
weakness1 and what she would be without 
grace4 ,she conceived at first a violent
 hatred for me1 saying that ,i was the  
cause of her pain4 ,but it served her1  
as the clay did to enlighten him who had
 been born blind4 ,she soon saw very    
well what had brought on her so terrible
 a state4  ,i fell sick even to         
extremity4 ,this sickness proved a means
 to cover the great mysteries which it  
pleased ,god to operate in me4 ,scarce  
ever was a disorder more extraordinary1 
or of longer continuance in its excess4 
,several times ,i saw in dreams ,father 
,la ,mothe raising persecutions against 
me4 ,our ,lord let me know that this    

would be and that ,father ,la ,combe    
would forsake me in the time of         
persecution4 ,i wrote to him1 and it    
disquieted him greatly4 ,he thought his 
heart was united to the will of ,god and
 too desirous of serving me1 to admit   
such desertion2 yet it has since been   
found quite true4 ,he was now to preach 
during ,lent1 and was so much followed1 
that people came five leagues1 to pass  
several days for the benefit of his     
ministry4 ,i heard he was so sick that  
he was thought to die4 ,i prayed to the 
,lord to restore his health1 and enable 
him to preach to the people1 who were   
longing to hear him4 ,my prayer was     
heard1 and he soon recovered1 and       
resumed his pious labors4  ,during this 
extraordinary sickness1 which continued 
more than six months1 the ,lord         
gradually taught me that there was      
another manner of conversing among souls
 wholly ,his1 than by speech4 ,thou     
madest me conceive1 ,o divine ,word1    
that as ,thou art ever speaking and     

operating in a soul1 though therein thou
 appearest in profound silence2 so there
 was also a way of communication in thy 
creatures1 in an ineffable silence4 ,i  
heard then a language which before had  
been unknown to me4 ,i gradually        
perceived1 when ,father ,la ,combe      
entered1 that ,i could speak no more4   
,there was formed in my soul the same   
kind of silence toward him1 as was      
formed in it in regard to ,god4 ,i      
comprehended that ,god was willing to   
show me that men might in this life     
learn the language of angels4 ,i was    
gradually reduced to speak to him only  
in silence4 ,it was then that we        
understood each other in ,god1 after a  
manner unutterable and divine4 ,our     
hearts spoke to each other1             
communicating a grace which no words can
 express4 ,it was like a new country1   
both for him and for me2 but so divine1 
that ,i cannot describe it4 ,at first   
this was done in a manner so            
perceptible1 that is to say1 ,god       

penetrated us with ,himself in a manner 
so pure and so sweet1 that we passed    
hours in this profound silence1 always  
communicative1 without being able to    
utter one word4 ,it was in this that we 
learned1 by our own experience1 the     
operations of the heavenly ,word to     
reduce souls into unity with itself1 and
 what purity one may arrive at in this  
life4 ,it was given me to communicate   
this way to other good souls1 but with  
this difference3 ,i did nothing but     
communicate to them the grace with which
 they were filled1 while near me1 in    
this sacred silence1 which infused into 
them an extraordinary strength and      
grace2 but ,i received nothing from     
them2 whereas with ,father ,la ,combe   
there was a flow and return of          
communication of grace1 which he        
received from me1 and ,i from him1 in   
the greatest purity4  ,in this long     
malady the love of ,god1 and of ,him    
alone1 made up my whole occupation1 ,i  
seemed so entirely lost to ,him1 as to  

have no sight of myself at all4 ,it     
seemed as if my heart never came out of 
that divine ocean1 having been drawn    
into it through deep humiliations4 ,oh1 
happy loss1 which is the consummation of
 bliss1 though operated through crosses 
and through deaths6  ,jesus was then    
living in me and ,i lived no more4      
,these words were imprinted in me1 as a 
real state into which ,i must enter1    
7,matt4 #h3bj7 ,the foxes have holes1   
and the birds of the air have nests1 but
 the ,son of ,man hath not where to lay 
his head4 ,this ,i have since           
experienced in all its extent1 having no
 sure abode1 no refuge among friends1   
who were ashamed of me1 and openly      
renounced me1 when universally decried2 
nor among my relations1 most of whom    
declared themselves my adversaries1 and 
were my greatest persecutors2 while     
others looked on me with contempt and   
indignation4 ,i might as ,david say1    
,for thy sake ,i have borne reproach2   
shame hath covered my face2 ,i am become

 a stranger to my brethren1 and an alien
 unto my mother's children2 a reproach  
to men1 and despised of the people4  ,he
 showed me all the world in a rage      
against me1 without anyone daring to    
appear for me and assured me in the     
ineffable silence of ,his eternal ,word1
 that ,he would give me vast numbers of 
children1 which ,i should bring forth by
 the cross4 ,i left it to ,him to do    
with me whatever ,he pleased1 esteeming 
my whole and sole interest to be placed 
entirely in ,his divine will4 ,he gave  
me to see how the ,devil was going to   
stir up an outrageous persecution       
against prayer1 yet it should prove the 
source of the same prayer1 or rather the
 means which ,god would make use of to  
establish it4 ,he gave me to see farther
 how ,he would guide me into the        
wilderness1 where ,he would cause me to 
be nourished for a time4 ,the wings1    
which were to bear me thither1 were the 
resignation of my whole self to ,his    
holy will4 ,i think ,i am at present in 

that wilderness1 separated from the     
whole world in my imprisonment4 ,i see  
already accomplished in part what was   
then shown me4 ,can ,i ever express the 
mercies which my ,god has bestowed on   
me8 ,no2 they must ever remain in       
,himself1 being of a nature not to be   
described1 by reason of their purity and
 immensity4  ,i was often to all        
appearance at the point of death4 ,i    
fell into convulsions from violent pains
 which lasted a long time with violence4
 ,father ,la ,combe administered the    
sacrament to me1 the ,prioress of the   
,ursulines having desired him to do it4 
,i was well satisfied to die1 as was he 
also in the expectation of my departure4
 ,for1 being united in ,god after a     
manner so pure1 and so spiritual1 death 
could not separate us4 ,on the contrary 
it would have more closely united us4   
,father ,la ,combe1 who was on his knees
 at my bedside1 remarking the change of 
my countenance1 and how my eyes faded1  
seemed ready to give me up1 when ,god   

inspired him to lift up his hands1 and  
with a strong voice1 which was heard by 
all who were in my room1 at that time   
almost full1 to command death to        
relinquish its hold4 ,instantly it      
seemed to be stopped4 ,thus ,god was    
pleased wonderfully to raise me up      
again2 yet for a long time ,i continued 
extremely weak1 during all of which our 
,lord gave me new testimonies of ,his   
love4 ,how many times was ,he pleased to
 make use of ,his servant to restore me 
to life1 when ,i was almost on the very 
point of expiring6 ,as they saw that my 
sickness and pain did not entirely end1 
they judged that the air of the lake on 
which the convent was situated1 was very
 prejudicial to my constitution4 ,they  
concluded that it would be necessary for
 me to remove4  ,during my              
indisposition1 our ,lord put it into the
 heart of ,father ,la ,combe to         
establish a hospital in this place for  
the poor people seized with maladies1 to
 institute also a committee or          

congregation of ladies to furnish such  
as could not leave their families to go 
to the hospital with the means of       
subsistence during their illness1 after 
the manner of ,france1 there having been
 yet no institution of this kind in that
 country4 ,willingly did ,i enter into  
it2 and without any other fund than     
,providence and some useless rooms which
 a gentleman of the town gave us1 we    
began it4 ,we dedicated it to the holy  
,child ,jesus1 and ,he was pleased to   
give the first beds to it from my       
pension4 ,he gave such a blessing that  
several other persons joined us in this 
charity4 ,in a short time there were    
nearly twelve beds in it and three      
persons of great piety gave themselves  
to this hospital to serve it1 who1      
without any salary1 consecrated         
themselves to the service of the poor   
patients4 ,i supplied them with         
ointments and medicines1 which were     
freely given to such of the poor people 
of the town as had need of them4 ,these 

good ladies were so hearty in the cause1
 that1 through their charity1 and the   
care of the young women1 this hospital  
was very well maintained and served4    
,these ladies joined together also in   
providing for the sick who could not go 
to the hospital4 ,i gave them some      
little regulations such as ,i had       
observed when in ,france1 which they    
continued to keep up with tenderness and
 love4  ,all these little things1 which 
cost but little1 and which owed all     
their success to the blessing which ,god
 gave them1 drew upon us new            
persecutions4 ,the ,bishop of ,geneva   
was offended with me more than ever1    
especially in seeing that these small   
matters rendered me beloved4 ,he said   
that ,i won over everybody4 ,he openly  
declared1 he could not bear me in his   
diocese1 though ,i had done nothing but 
good1 or rather ,god by me4 ,he extended
 the persecution to those good religious
 women who had been my assistants4 ,the 
prioress in particular had her own share

 to bear1 though it did not last long4  
,as ,i was obliged1 on account of the   
air1 to remove1 after having been there 
about two years and a half1 they were   
then more in peace and quietness4 ,on   
another side1 my sister was very weary  
of this house2 and as the season for the
 waters approached1 they took occasion  
from thence to send her away with the   
maid which ,i brought with me1 who had  
molested me exceedingly in my late      
illness4 ,i only kept her whom          
,providence had sent me by means of my  
sister4 ,i have ever thought that ,god  
had ordered my sister's journey only to 
bring her to me1 as one chosen of ,him  
and proper for the state which it was   
,his pleasure to cause me to bear4      
,while ,i was yet indisposed1 the       
,ursulines1 with the ,bishop of         
,verceil1 earnestly requested the       
,father-general of the ,barnabites1 to  
seek among the religious1 a man of      
merit1 piety and learning1 in whom he   
might place confidence1 and who might   

serve him for a prebend and a counselor4
 ,at first he cast his eyes on ,father  
,la ,combe2 yet before he absolutely    
engaged him with the said bishop1 he    
wrote to him1 to know whether he had any
 objection thereto4 ,father ,la ,combe  
replied that he had no other will but   
that of obeying him1 and that he might  
command him herein as he should think   
best in the case4 ,he gave me an account
 of this1 and that we were going to be  
entirely separated4 ,i was glad to find 
that our ,lord would employ him1 under a
 bishop who knew him1 and would be      
likely to do him justice4 ,yet it was   
some time before he went1 matters not   
being all arranged4     ,,chapter #ac   
,i then went off from the ,ursulines and
 they sought for a house for me at a    
distance from the lake4 ,there was but  
one to be found empty which had the look
 of the greatest poverty4 ,it had no    
chimney but in the kitchen1 through     
which one was obliged to pass4 ,i took  
my daughter with me and gave up the     

largest room for her and the maid who   
was to take care of her4 ,i was lodged  
in a little hole on straw1 to which ,i  
went up by ladder4 ,as we had no other  
furniture but our beds1 quite plain and 
homely1 ,i brought some straw chairs and
 some ,dutch earthen and wooden ware4   
,never did ,i enjoy a greater content   
than in this little hole1 which appeared
 so very conformable to the state of    
,jesus ,christ4 ,i fancied everything   
better on wood than on plate4 ,i laid in
 all my provisions1 hoping to stay there
 a long time2 but the ,devil did not    
leave me long in such sweet peace4 ,it  
would be difficult for me to tell the   
persecutions which were stirred up      
against me4 ,they threw stones in at my 
windows which fell at my feet4 ,i had   
put my little garden in order4 ,they    
came in the night1 tore it all up1 broke
 down the arbor1 and overturned         
everything in it1 as if it had been     
ravaged by soldiers4 ,they came to abuse
 me at the door all night long1 making  

such a racket as if they were going to  
break it open4 ,these persons have since
 told who the person was that put them  
on such work4  ,though from time to time
 ,i continued my charities at ,gex1 ,i  
was not the less persecuted for it4     
,they offered one person a warrant to   
compel ,father ,la ,combe to stay at    
,tonon1 thinking he would otherwise be a
 support to me in the persecution1 but  
we prevented it4 ,i knew not then the   
designs of ,god1 and that ,he would soon
 draw me from that poor solitary place1 
in which ,i enjoyed a sweet and solid   
satisfaction1 notwithstanding the abuse4
 ,i thought myself happier here than any
 sovereign on earth4 ,it was for me like
 a nest and a place of repose and       
,christ was willing that ,i should be   
like ,him4 ,the ,devil1 as ,i have said1
 irritated my persecutors4 ,they sent to
 desire me to go out of the diocese4    
,all the good which the ,lord had caused
 me to do in it was condemned1 more than
 the greatest crimes4 ,crimes they      

tolerated1 but me they could not endure4
 ,all this while ,i never had any       
uneasiness or repentance for my having  
left at all2 not that ,i was assured of 
having done the will of ,god therein4   
,such an assurance would have been too  
much for me4 ,but ,i could neither see  
nor regard anything1 receiving          
everything alike from the hand of ,god1 
who directed and disposed of these      
crosses for me either in justice or in  
mercy4  ,the ,marchioness of ,prunai1   
sister of the chief ,secretary of ,state
 to his ,royal ,highness 7the ,duke of  
,savoy7 and his prime minister1 had sent
 an express from ,turin1 in the time of 
my illness1 to invite me to come to     
reside with her2 and to let me know     
that1 being so persecuted as ,i was in  
this diocese1 ,i should find an asylum  
with her2 that during that time things  
might grow better2 that when they should
 be well disposed she would return with 
me and join me with a friend of mine    
from ,paris1 who was willing also to    

come to labor there1 according to the   
will of ,god4 ,i was not at that time in
 a condition to execute what she desired
 and expected to continue with the      
,ursulines till things should change4   
,she then wrote to me about it no more4 
,this lady is one of extraordinary      
piety1 who had quitted the splendor and 
noise of the ,court1 for the more silent
 satisfaction of a retired life1 and to 
give herself up to ,god4 ,with an       
eminent share of natural advantages1 she
 has continued a widow twenty-two years2
 has refused every offer of marriage to 
consecrate herself to our ,lord entirely
 and without any reserve4 ,when she knew
 that ,i had been obliged to leave the  
,ursulines1 yet without knowing anything
 of the manner in which ,i had been     
treated1 she procured a letter to oblige
 ,father ,la ,combe to go to pass some  
weeks at ,turin1 for her own benefit1   
and to bring me with him thither1 where 
,i should find a refuge4 ,all this she  
did unknown to us4 ,as she has told us  

since1 a superior force moved her to do 
it1 without knowing the cause4 ,if she  
had deliberately reflected on it1 being 
such a prudent lady1 she probably would 
not have done it2 because the           
persecutions1 which the ,bishop of      
,geneva procured us in that place1 cost 
her more than a little of humiliations4 
,our ,lord permitted him to pursue me1  
after a surprising manner1 into all the 
places ,i have been in1 without giving  
me any relaxation4 ,i never did him any 
harm1 but on the contrary1 would have   
laid down my life for the good of his   
diocese4  ,as this fell out without any 
design on our part1 we1 without         
hesitation1 believed it was the will of 
,god2 and thought it might be the means 
of ,his appointment to draw us out of   
the reproach and persecution we labored 
under1 seeing myself chased on the one  
side1 desired on the other4 ,it was     
concluded that ,father ,la ,combe should
 conduct me to ,turin1 and that he      
should go from thence to ,verceil4      

,beside him1 ,i took with me a religious
 man of merit1 who had taught theology  
for fourteen years past1 to take away   
from our enemies all cause for slander4 
,i also took with me a boy whom ,i had  
brought out of ,france4 ,they took      
horses1 and ,i hired a carriage for my  
daughter1 my chambermaid and myself4    
,but all precautions are useless1 when  
it pleases ,god to permit them to be    
frustrated4 ,our adversaries immediately
 wrote to ,paris4 ,a hundred ridiculous 
stories were circulated about this      
journey2 comedies were acted on it1     
things invented at pleasure1 and as     
false as anything in the world could be4
 ,it was my brother1 ,father de la      
,mothe1 who was so active in uttering   
all this stuff4 ,had he believed it to  
be true1 he ought out of charity to have
 concealed it2 much more1 being so very 
false4 ,they said that ,i was gone all  
alone with ,father ,la ,combe1 strolling
 about the country1 from province to    
province1 with many such fables1 as weak

 and wicked as they were incoherent and 
badly put together4 ,we suffered all    
with patience1 without vindicating      
ourselves1 or making any complaint4     
,scarcely were we arrived at ,turin1 but
 the ,bishop of ,geneva wrote against   
us4 ,as he could pursue us no other way1
 he did it by letters4 ,father ,la      
,combe repaired to ,verceil1 and ,i     
staid at ,turin1 with the ,marchioness  
of ,prunai4 ,but what crosses was ,i    
assaulted with in my own family1 from   
the ,bishop of ,geneva1 from the        
,barnabites1 and from a vast number of  
persons besides6 ,my eldest son came to 
find me on the death of my              
mother-in-law1 which was an augmentation
 of my troubles4 ,after we had heard all
 his accounts of things and how they had
 made sales of all the moveables1 chosen
 guardians1 and settled every article1  
without consulting me4 ,i seemed to be  
there entirely useless4 ,it was judged  
not proper for me to return1 considering
 the rigor of the season4  ,the         

,marchioness of ,prunai1 who had been so
 warmly desirous of my company1 seeing  
my great crosses and reproaches1 looked 
coldly upon me4 ,my childlike           
simplicity1 which was the state wherein 
,god at that time kept me1 passed with  
her for stupidity4 ,for when the        
question was to help anyone1 or about   
anything which ,god required of me1 ,he 
gave me1 with the weakness of a child1  
the evident tokens of divine strength4  
,her heart was quite shut up to me all  
the time ,i was there4 ,our ,lord1      
however1 made me foretell events which  
should happen1 which since that time    
have actually been fulfilled1 as well to
 herself as to her daughter1 and to the 
virtuous ecclesiastic who lived at her  
house4 ,she did not fail1 at last1 to   
conceive more friendship for me1 seeing 
then that ,christ was in me4 ,it was the
 force of self-love1 and fear of        
reproach1 which had closed up her heart4
 ,moreover1 she thought her state more  
advanced than in reality it was1 by     

reason of her being without tests2 but  
she soon saw by experience that ,i had  
told her the truth4 ,she was obliged for
 family reasons to leave ,turin1 and go 
to live on her own estate4 ,she         
solicited me to go with her2 but the    
education of my daughter did not permit4
 ,to stay at ,turin without her seemed  
improper1 because1 having lived very    
retired in this place1 ,i made no       
acquaintance in it4 ,i knew not which   
way to turn4 ,the ,bishop of ,verceil1  
where ,father ,la ,combe was1 most      
obligingly wrote to me1 earnestly       
entreating me to come1 promising me his 
protection1 and assuring me of his      
esteem1 adding1 that he should look upon
 me as his own sister2 that he wished   
extremely to have me there4 ,it was his 
own sister1 one of my particular        
friends1 who had written to him about   
me1 as had also a ,french gentleman1 an 
acquaintance of his4 ,but a point of    
honor kept me from it4 ,i would not have
 it said that ,i had gone after ,father 

,la ,combe1 and that ,i had come to     
,turin only for the purpose of going to 
,verceil4 ,he had also his reputation to
 preserve1 which was the cause that he  
could not agree to my going thither1    
however importunate the ,bishop was for 
it4 ,had we believed it to be the will  
of ,god1 we would both of us have passed
 over these considerations4 ,god kept us
 both in so great a dependence on ,his  
orders1 that ,he did not let us foreknow
 them2 but the divine moment of ,his    
providence determined everything4 ,this 
proved of very great service to ,father 
,la ,combe1 who had long walked in      
assurances1 to die to them and to       
,himself4 ,god by an effect of ,his     
goodness1 that he might thus die without
 any reserve1 took them all from him4   
,during the whole time of my residence  
at ,turin1 our ,lord conferred on me    
very great favors4 ,i found myself every
 day more transformed into ,him1 and had
 continually more knowledge of the state
 of souls1 without ever being mistaken  

or deceived therein1 though some were   
willing to persuade me to think the     
contrary4 ,i had used my utmost         
endeavors to give myself other thoughts1
 which had caused me not a little pain4 
,when ,i told1 or wrote to ,father ,la  
,combe about the state of some souls1   
which appeared to him more perfect and  
advanced than the knowledge given to me 
of them1 he attributed it to pride4 ,he 
was angry with me1 and prejudiced       
against my state4 ,i had no uneasiness  
on account of his esteeming me the less1
 for ,i was not in a condition to       
reflect whether he esteemed me or not4  
,he could not reconcile my willing      
obedience in most things1 with so       
extraordinary a firmness1 which in      
certain cases he looked upon as         
criminal4 ,he admitted a distrust of my 
grace2 he was not yet sufficiently      
confirmed in his way1 nor did he duly   
comprehend1 that it did not in any wise 
depend on me to be one way or another4  
,if ,i had any such power ,i should have

 suited myself to what he said1 to spare
 myself the crosses which my firmness   
caused me4 ,or1 at least1 ,i would have 
artfully dissembled my real sentiments4 
,i could do neither4 ,were all to perish
 by it1 ,i was in such a manner         
constrained1 that ,i could not forbear  
telling him the things1 just as our     
,lord directed me to tell them to him4  
,in this he had given me an inviolable  
fidelity to the very last4 ,no crosses  
or pains have ever made me fail a moment
 therein4 ,these things then1 which     
appeared to him to be the strong        
prejudice of a conceited opinion1 set   
him at variance against me4 ,though he  
did not openly show it1 on the contrary 
tried to conceal it from me2 yet how far
 distant soever he were from me1 ,i     
could not be ignorant of it4 ,my spirit 
felt it1 and that more or less1 as the  
opposition was stronger or weaker2 as   
soon as it abated or ended1 my pain1    
occasioned thereby1 ceased4 ,he also1 on
 his side1 experienced the same4 ,he has

 told me and written to me many times   
over1 ,when ,i stand well with ,god1 ,i 
find ,i am well with you4 ,when ,i am   
otherwise with ,him1 ,i then find myself
 to be so with you also4 ,thus he saw   
clearly that when ,god received him1 it 
was always in uniting him to me1 as if  
,he would accept of nothing from him but
 in this union4  ,while he was at       
,turin1 a widow who was a good servant  
of ,god1 all in the brightness of       
sensibility1 came to him to confess4    
,she uttered wonderful things of her    
state4 ,i was then at the other side of 
the confessional4 ,he told me1 ,he had  
met with a soul given up to ,god2 that  
it was she who was present2 that he was 
very much edified by her2 that he was   
far from finding the like in me2 that ,i
 operated nothing but death upon his    
soul4 ,at first ,i rejoiced at his      
having met with such a holy soul4 ,it   
ever gives me the highest joy to see my 
,god glorified4 ,as ,i was returning1   
the ,lord showed me clearly the state of

 that soul1 as only a beginning of      
devotion mixed with affection and a     
little silence1 filled with a new       
sensation4 ,this and more1 as it was set
 before me1 ,i was obliged to write to  
him4 ,on his first reading of my letter 
he discovered the stamp of truth in it2 
but soon after1 letting in again his old
 reflections1 he viewed all ,i wrote in 
the light of pride4 ,he still had in his
 mind the ordinary rules of humility    
conceived and comprised after our       
manner4 ,as to me1 ,i let myself be led 
as a child1 who says and does1 without  
distinction1 whatever it is made to say 
and do4 ,i left myself to be led        
wheresoever my heavenly ,father pleased1
 high or low2 all was alike good to me4 
,he wrote to me1 that1 at his first     
reading of my letter there appeared in  
it something of truth2 but that on      
reading it over again1 he found it to be
 full of pride1 and of preference of my 
own discernments to that of others4     
,some time after he was more enlightened

 in regard to the state ,i was in4 ,he  
then said1 continue to believe as you   
have done2 ,i encourage and exhort you  
to do it4 ,some time after he           
sufficiently discovered1 by that        
person's manner of acting1 that she was 
very far from what he had thought4 ,i   
give this as only one instance4 ,i might
 give many others1 but this may suffice4
     ,,chapter #ad   ,one night in a    
dream our ,lord showed me1 that ,he     
would also purify the maid whom ,he had 
given me1 make her truly enter into     
death to herself4 ,i freely resolved to 
suffer for her1 as ,i did for ,father   
,la ,combe4 ,as she resisted ,god much  
more than he1 and was much more under   
the power of self-love1 she had more to 
be purified from4 ,what ,i could not    
tolerate in her was her regard for      
herself4 ,i saw clearly that the devil  
cannot hurt us only so far as we retain 
some fondness for this corrupt self4    
,this sight was from ,god4 ,he gave me  
the discerning of spirits1 which would  

ever accept what was from ,him1 or      
reject what was not2 that not from any  
common methods of judging1 not from any 
outward information1 but by an inward   
principle which is ,his gift alone4  ,it
 is needful to mention here that souls  
which are yet in themselves1 whatever   
degree of light and ardor they have     
attained1 are unqualified for it4 ,they 
often think they have this discernment1 
when it is nothing else but sympathy or 
antipathy of nature4 ,our ,lord         
destroyed in me every sort of natural   
antipathy4 ,the soul must be very pure1 
and depending on ,god alone1 that all   
these things may be experienced in ,him4
 ,in proportion as this maid became     
inwardly purified1 my pain abated1 till 
the ,lord let me know her state was     
going to be changed1 which soon happily 
ensued4 ,in comparison of inward pain   
for souls1 outward persecutions1 though 
ever so violent1 scarce gave me any4    
,the ,bishop of ,geneva wrote to        
different persons4 ,he wrote in my favor

 to such as he thought would show me his
 letters1 and quite the contrary in the 
letters which he thought ,i would never 
see4 ,it was so ordered that these      
persons1 having showed each other their 
letters received from him1 were struck  
with indignation to see in him so       
shameful a duplicity4 ,they sent me     
those letters that ,i might take proper 
precautions4 ,i kept them two years1 and
 then burned them1 not to hurt the      
prelate4 ,the strongest battery he      
raised against me was what he did with  
the ,secretary of ,state1 who held that 
post in conjunction with the            
,marchioness of ,prunai's brother4 ,he  
used all imaginable endeavors to render 
me odious4 ,he employed certain abbots  
for that purpose1 insomuch that1 though 
,i appeared very little abroad1 ,i was  
well known by the description this      
bishop had given of me4 ,this did not   
make so much impression as it would have
 done1 if he had appeared in a better   
light at ,court4 ,some letters of his1  

which her royal highness found after the
 prince's death1 written to him against 
her1 had effect on the princess1 that1  
instead of taking any notice of what he 
now wrote against me1 she showed me     
great respect4 ,she sent her request to 
me to come to see her4 ,accordingly ,i  
waited on her4 ,she assured me of her   
protection1 and that she was glad of my 
being in her dominions4  ,it pleased    
,god here to make use of me to the      
conversion of two or three              
ecclesiastics4 ,but ,i had much to      
suffer from their repugnances and many  
infidelities--one of whom had vilified  
me greatly--and even after his          
conversion turned aside into his old    
ways4 ,god at length graciously restored
 him4  ,as ,i was undetermined whether  
,i should place my daughter at the      
,visitation of ,turin1 or take some     
other course2 ,i was exceedingly        
surprised1 at a time ,i least expected  
it1 to see ,father ,la ,combe arrive    
from ,verceil4 ,he told me that ,i must 

return to ,paris without any delay4 ,it 
was in the evening1 and he said1 set off
 the next morning4 ,i confess this      
sudden news startled me4 ,it was for me 
a double sacrifice to return to a place 
where they had cried me down so much2   
also toward a family which held me in   
contempt1 and who had represented my    
journey1 caused by pure necessity1 as a 
voluntary course1 pursued through human 
attachments4 ,behold me then disposed to
 go off1 without offering a single word 
in reply1 with my daughter and my maid1 
without anybody to guide and attend us4 
,father ,la ,combe was resolved not to  
accompany me1 not so much as passing the
 mountains4 ,the ,bishop of ,geneva had 
written on all sides that ,i was gone to
 ,turin to run after him4 ,but the      
,father ,provincial1 who was a man of   
quality1 and well acquainted with the   
virtue of ,father ,la ,combe1 told him1 
that it was improper and unsafe to      
venture on these mountains1 without some
 person of acquaintance2 the more as ,i 

had my little daughter with me4 ,he     
therefore ordered him to accompany me4  
,father ,la ,combe confessed to me that 
he had some reluctance to do it1 and    
only obedience1 and the danger to which 
,i should have been exposed1 made him   
surmount it4 ,he was only to accompany  
me to ,grenoble1 and from thence to     
return to ,turin4 ,i went off then1     
designing for ,paris1 there to suffer   
whatever crosses and trials it should   
please ,god to inflict4  ,what made me  
go by ,grenoble was the desire ,i had to
 spend two or three days with a lady1 an
 eminent servant of ,god1 and one of my 
friends4 ,when ,i was there ,father ,la 
,combe and that lady spoke to me not to 
go any farther4 ,god would glorify      
,himself in me and by me in that place4 
,he returned to ,verceil1 and ,i left   
myself to be conducted as a child by    
,providence4 ,this lady took me to the  
house of a good widow1 there not being  
accommodations at the inn4 ,as ,i was   
ordered to stop at ,grenoble1 at her    

house ,i resided4 ,i placed my daughter 
in a convent1 and resolved to employ all
 this time in resigning myself to be    
possessed in solitude by ,him who is the
 absolute ,sovereign of my soul4 ,i made
 not any visit in this place2 no more   
had ,i in any of the others where ,i had
 sojourned4 ,i was greatly surprised    
when1 a few days after my arrival1 there
 came to see me several persons who made
 profession of a singular devotion to   
,god4 ,i perceived immediately a gift   
which ,he had given me1 of administering
 to each that which suited their states4
 ,i felt myself invested1 all of a      
sudden1 with the apostolic state4 ,i    
discerned the conditions of the souls of
 such persons as spoke to me1 and that  
with so much facility1 that they were   
surprised at it1 and said one to        
another1 that ,i gave every one of them 
the very thing they had stood in need   
of4 ,it was thou1 ,o my ,god1 who didst 
all these things2 some of them sent     
others to me4 ,it came to such excess1  

that1 generally from six in the morning 
till eight in the evening1 ,i was taken 
up in speaking of the ,lord4 ,people    
flocked on all sides1 far and near1     
friars1 priests1 men of the world1      
maids1 wives1 widows1 all came one after
 another4 ,the ,lord supplied me with   
what was pertinent and satisfactory to  
them all1 after a wonderful manner1     
without any share of my study or        
meditation therein4 ,nothing was hid    
from me of their interior state1 and of 
what passed within them4 ,here1 ,o my   
,god1 ,thou madest an infinite number of
 conquests known to ,thyself only4 ,they
 were instantly furnished with a        
wonderful facility of prayer4 ,god      
conferred on them ,his grace            
plentifully1 and wrought marvelous      
changes in them4 ,the most advanced of  
these souls found1 when with me1 in     
silence1 a grace communicated to them   
which they could neither comprehend1 nor
 cease to admire4 ,the others found an  
unction in my words1 and that they      

operated in them what ,i said4 ,friars  
of different orders1 and priests of     
merit1 came to see me1 to whom our ,lord
 granted very great favors1 as indeed   
,he did to all1 without exception1 who  
came in sincerity4  ,one thing was      
surprising2 ,i had not a syllable to say
 to such as came only to watch my words1
 and to criticize them4 ,even when ,i   
thought to try to speak to them1 ,i felt
 that ,i could not1 and that ,god would 
not have me do it4 ,some of them in     
return said1 ,the people are fools to go
 to see that lady4 ,she cannot speak4   
,others of them treated me as if ,i were
 only a stupid simpleton4 ,after they   
left me there came one and said1 ,i     
could not get hither soon enough to     
apprize you not to speak to those       
persons2 they come from such and such1  
to try what they can catch from you to  
your disadvantage4 ,i answered them1    
,our ,lord has prevented your charity2  
for ,i was not able to say one word to  
them4  ,i felt that what ,i spoke flowed

 from the fountain1 and that ,i was only
 the instrument of ,him who made me     
speak4 ,amid this general applause1 our 
,lord made me comprehend what the       
apostolic state was1 with which ,he had 
honored me2 that to give one's self up  
to the help of souls1 in the purity of  
,his ,spirit1 was to expose one's self  
to the most cruel persecutions4 ,these  
very words were imprinted on my heart3  
,to resign ourselves to serve our       
neighbor is to sacrifice ourselves to a 
gibbet4 ,such as now proclaim1 ',blessed
 is he who cometh in the name of the    
,lord1' will soon cry out1 ',away with  
him1 crucify him4' ,when one of my      
friends speaking of the general esteem  
the people had for me1 ,i said to her1  
,observe what ,i now tell you1 that you 
will hear curses cut of the same mouths 
which at present pronounce blessings4   
,our ,lord made me comprehend that ,i   
must be conformable to ,him in all ,his 
states2 and that1 if ,he had continued  
in a private life with ,his parents1 ,he

 never had been crucified2 that1 when   
,he would resign any of ,his servants to
 crucifixion1 ,he employed such in the  
ministry and service of their neighbors4
 ,it is certain that all the souls      
employed herein by apostolic destination
 from ,god1 and who are truly in the    
apostolic state1 are to suffer          
extremely4 ,i speak not of those who put
 themselves into it1 who1 not being     
called of ,god in a singular manner1 and
 having nothing of the grace of the     
apostleship1 have none of its crosses2  
but of those only who surrender         
themselves to ,god without any reserve1 
and who are willing with their whole    
hearts to be exposed1 for ,his sake1 to 
sufferings without any mitigation4      
,,chapter #ae   ,among so great a number
 of good souls1 on whom our ,lord       
wrought much by me1 some were given me  
only as plants to cultivate4 ,i knew    
their state1 but had not that near      
connection with1 or authority over them1
 which ,i had over others4 ,it was then 

that ,i comprehended the true maternity 
beyond what ,i had done before2 for     
those of the latter kind were given me  
as children1 of whom some were faithful4
 ,i knew they would be so2 they were    
closely united to me in pure charity4   
,others were unfaithful2 ,i knew that of
 these some would never return from     
their infidelity1 and they were taken   
from me4 ,some1 after slipping aside1   
were recovered4 ,both of them cost me   
much distress and inward pain1 when1 for
 want of courage to die to themselves1  
they gave up the point2 and revolted    
from the good beginning they had been   
favored with4  ,our ,lord1 among such   
multitudes as followed ,him on earth1   
had few true children4 ,wherefore ,he   
said to ,his ,father1 ,those that thou  
gavest me ,i have kept1 and none of them
 is lost but the son of perdition1      
showing that ,he lost not any beside of 
,his apostles1 or disciples1 though they
 sometimes made false steps4  ,among the
 friars who came to see me1 there was   

one order which discovered the good     
effects of grace more than any other4   
,some of that very order had before     
this1 in a little town where ,father ,la
 ,combe was in the exercise of his      
mission1 been actuated with a false     
zeal1 and violent in persecuting all the
 good souls which had sincerely         
dedicated themselves to ,god1 plaguing  
them after such a manner as can scarce  
be conceived4 ,they burned all their    
books which treated of silence and      
inward prayer1 refusing absolution to   
such as were in the practice of it1     
driving into consternation1 and almost  
into despair1 such as had formerly led  
wicked lives1 but were now reformed1 and
 preserved in grace by means of prayer1 
becoming spotless and blameless in their
 conduct4 ,these friars had proceeded to
 such an excess of wild zeal as to raise
 a sedition in that town1 in which a    
father of the oratory1 a person of      
distinction and merit1 received strokes 
with a stick in the open street1 because

 he prayed extempore in the evenings1   
and on ,sundays made a short fervent    
prayer1 which insensibly habituated     
these good souls to the use and practice
 of the like4  ,i never had so much     
consolation as to see in this little    
town so many pious souls who with a     
heavenly emulation gave up their whole  
hearts to ,god4 ,there were girls of    
twelve or thirteen years of age1 who    
industriously followed their work almost
 all the day long1 in silence1 and in   
their employments enjoyed a communion   
with ,god1 having acquired a fixed      
habit4 ,as these girls were poor1 they  
placed themselves two and two together1 
and such as could do it read to the     
others who could not4 ,one saw there the
 innocence of the primitive ,christians 
revived4 ,there was in that town a poor 
laundress who had five children1 and a  
husband paralytic1 lame in the right    
arm1 and yet worse distempered in mind  
than in body4 ,he had little strength   
left for anything else than to beat her4

 ,this poor woman bore it with all the  
meekness and patience of an angel1 while
 she by her labor supported him and his 
five children4 ,she had a wonderful gift
 of prayer1 and amid her great suffering
 and extreme poverty1 preserved the     
presence of ,god1 and tranquility of    
mind4 ,there was also a shopkeeper1 and 
one who made locks1 very much affected  
with ,god4 ,these were close friends4   
,sometimes the one and sometimes the    
other read to this laundress2 and they  
were surprised to find that she was     
instructed by the ,lord ,himself in all 
they read to her1 and spoke divinely of 
it4  ,those friars sent for this woman1 
and threatened her much if she did not  
leave off prayer1 telling her it was    
only for churchmen to pray1 and that she
 was very bold to practice it4 ,she     
replied1 that ,christ had commanded all 
to pray1 that ,he had said1 ,what ,i say
 unto you ,i say unto all 7,mark #ac3cc1
 #cg71 without specifying either priests
 or friars2 that without prayer she     

could not support her crosses and       
poverty2 that formerly she had lived    
without it1 and then was very wicked2   
that since she had been in the exercise 
of it1 she had loved ,god with all her  
soul2 so that to leave off prayer was to
 renounce her salvation1 which she could
 not do4 ,she added that they might take
 twenty persons who had never practiced 
prayer1 and twenty of those who were in 
the practice of it4 ,then1 said she1    
,inform yourselves of the lives of both 
sorts1 and ye will see if ye have any   
reason to cry out against prayer4 ,such 
words as these1 from such a woman1 one  
would think might have fully convinced  
them2 but instead of that1 it only      
irritated them the more4 ,they assured  
her that she should have no absolution  
till she promised them to desist from   
prayer4 ,she said that depended not on  
her1 and that ,christ is master of what 
,he communicates to ,his creatures1 and 
of doing with it what ,he pleases4 ,they
 refused her absolution2 and after      

railing at a good tailor1 who served    
,god with his whole heart1 they ordered 
all the books without exception1 which  
treated on prayer to be brought to them4
 ,they burned them with their own hands 
in the public square4 ,they were very   
much elated with their performance2 but 
all the town presently arose in an      
uproar4 ,the principal men went to the  
,bishop of ,geneva1 and complained to   
him of the scandals of these new        
missionaries1 so different from the     
others4 ,speaking of ,father ,la ,combe1
 who had been there before them on his  
mission1 they said that these seemed as 
if they were sent to destroy all the    
good he had done4 ,the bishop was forced
 to come himself to that town1 and there
 to mount the pulpit1 protesting that he
 had no share in it1 and that these     
fathers had pushed their zeal too far4  
,the friars1 on the other side declared1
 they had done all they did1 pursuant to
 the orders given them4  ,there were    
also at ,tonon young women who had      

retired together1 being poor villagers1 
the better to earn their livelihood and 
to serve ,god4 ,one of them read from   
time to time1 while the others were at  
work1 and not one went out without      
asking leave of the eldest4 ,they wove  
ribbands1 or spun1 the strong supporting
 the weak4 ,they separated these poor   
girls1 and others beside them1 in       
several villages1 and drove them out of 
the church4  ,it was the friars of the  
very order whom our ,lord made use of to
 establish prayer in 7,i know not how7  
many places4 ,into the places where they
 went1 they carried a hundred times more
 books of prayer than those which their 
brethren had burned4 ,the hand of ,god  
appeared to me wonderfully in these     
things4  ,one day when ,i was sick1 a   
brother who had skill in curing         
diseases1 came for a charitable         
collection1 but hearing ,i was ill1 came
 in to see me1 and gave me medicines    
proper for my disorder4 ,we entered into
 a conversation which revived in him the

 love he had for ,god1 which he         
acknowledged had been too much stifled  
by his occupations4 ,i made him         
comprehend that there was no employment 
which should hinder him from loving     
,god1 and from being occupied within    
himself4 ,he readily believed me1 as he 
already had a good share of piety1 and  
of an interior disposition4 ,our ,lord  
conferred on him many favors1 and gave  
him to be one of my true children4  ,i  
saw at this time1 or rather experienced 
the ground on which ,god rejects sinners
 from ,his bosom4 ,all the cause of     
,god's rejection is in the will of the  
sinner4 ,if that will submits1 how      
horrible soever he be1 ,god purifies him
 in his love1 and receives him into his 
grace2 but while that will rebels1 the  
rejection continues4 ,for want of       
ability seconding his inclination1 he   
should not commit the sin he is inclined
 to1 yet he never can be admitted into  
grace till the cause ceases1 which is   
this wrong will1 rebellious to the      

divine law4 ,if that once submits1 ,god 
then totally removes the effects of sin1
 which stain the soul1 by washing away  
the defilements which he has contracted4
 ,if that sinner dies in the time that  
his will is rebellious and turned toward
 sin1 as death fixes forever the        
disposition of the soul1 and the cause  
of its impurity is ever subsisting1 such
 soul can never be received into ,god4  
,its rejection must be eternal1 as there
 is such an absolute opposition between 
essential purity and essential impurity4
 ,and as this soul1 from its own nature 
necessarily tends to its own center1 it 
is continually rejected of the ,lord1 by
 reason of its impurity1 subsisting not 
only in the effects1 but in their cause4
 ,it is the same way in this life4 ,this
 cause1 so long as it subsists1         
absolutely hinders the grace of ,god    
from operating in the soul4 ,but if the 
sinner comes to die truly penitent1 then
 the cause1 which is the wrong will1    
being taken away1 there remains only the

 effect or impurity caused by it4 ,he is
 then in a condition to be purified4    
,god of his infinite mercy has provided 
a laver of love and of justice1 a       
painful laver indeed1 to purify this    
soul4 ,and as the defilement is greater 
or less1 so is the pain2 but when the   
cause is utterly taken away1 the pain   
entirely ceases4 ,souls1 are received   
into grace1 as soon as the cause of sin 
ceases2 but they do not pass into the   
,lord ,himself1 till all its effects are
 washed away4 ,if they have not courage 
to let ,him1 in ,his own way and will1  
thoroughly cleanse and purify them1 they
 never enter into the pure divinity in  
this life4  ,the ,lord incessantly      
solicits this will to cease to be       
rebellious1 and spares nothing on ,his  
side for this good end4 ,the will is    
free1 yet grace follows it still4 ,as   
soon as the will ceases to rebel1 it    
finds grace at the door1 ready to       
introduce its unspeakable benefits4 ,o1 
the goodness of the ,lord and baseness  

of the sinner1 each of them amazing when
 clearly seen6  ,before ,i arrived at   
,grenoble1 the lady1 my friend1 saw in a
 dream that our ,lord gave me an        
infinite number of children all         
uniformly clad1 bearing on their habits 
the marks of candor and innocence4 ,she 
thought ,i was coming to take care of   
the children of the hospital4 ,but as   
soon as she told me1 ,i discerned that  
it was not that which the dream meant2  
but that our ,lord would give me1 by a  
spiritual fruitfulness1 a great number  
of children2 that they would not be my  
true children1 but in simplicity1 candor
 and innocence4 ,so great an aversion ,i
 have to artifice and disguise4         
,,chapter #af   ,the physician of whom  
,i have spoken1 was disposed to lay open
 his heart to me4 ,our ,lord gave him   
through me all that was necessary for   
him2 for though disposed to the         
spiritual life1 yet for want of courage 
and fidelity he had not duly advanced in
 it4  ,he had occasion to bring to me   

some of his companions who were friars2 
and the ,lord took hold of them all4 ,it
 was at the very same time1 that the    
others of the same order were making all
 the ravages ,i have mentioned1 and     
opposing with all their might the ,holy 
,spirit of the ,lord4 ,i could not but  
admire to see how the ,lord was pleased 
to make amends for former damages1      
pouring out ,his ,spirit in abundance on
 these men1 while the others were       
laboring vehemently against it1 doing   
all they could to destroy its dominion  
and efficacy in their fellow-mortals4   
,but those good souls instead of being  
staggered by persecutions1 grew the     
stronger by it4 ,the ,superior1 and the 
master of the novices of the house in   
which this doctor was declared against  
me1 without knowing me4 ,they were      
grievously chagrined that a woman1 as   
they said1 should be so much flocked to1
 and so much sought after4 ,looking at  
things as they were in themselves1 and  
not as they were in the ,lord1 who does 

whatever pleases ,him1 they had contempt
 for the gift which was lodged in so    
mean an instrument1 instead of esteeming
 the ,lord and ,his grace4 ,yet this    
good brother at length got the superior 
to come to see me1 and thank me for the 
good which he said ,i had done4 ,our    
,lord so ordered1 that he found         
something in my conversation which      
reached and took hold of him4 ,at length
 he was completely brought over4 ,he it 
was1 who some time after1 being visitor1
 dispersed such a number of those books1
 bought at their own charge1 which the  
others had tried utterly to destroy4    
,oh1 how wonderful art ,thou1 my ,god6  
,in all ,thy ways how wise1 in all ,thy 
conduct how full of love6 ,how well     
,thou canst frustrate all the false     
wisdom of men1 and triumph over their   
vain pretensions6  ,there were in this  
noviciate many novices4 ,the eldest of  
them grew so very uneasy under his      
vocation1 that he knew not what to do4  
,so great was his trouble that he could 

neither read1 study1 pray1 nor do       
scarcely any of his duties4 ,his        
companion brought him to me4 ,we spoke  
awhile together1 and the ,lord          
discovered to me both the cause of his  
disorder and its remedy4 ,i told it to  
him2 and he began to practice prayer1   
even that of the heart4 ,he was on a    
sudden wonderfully changed1 and the     
,lord highly favored him4 ,as ,i spoke  
to him grace wrought in his heart1 and  
his soul drank it in1 as the parched    
ground does the gentle rain4 ,he felt   
himself relieved of his pain before he  
left the room4 ,he then readily1        
joyfully1 and perfectly performed all   
his exercises1 which before were done   
with reluctance and disgust4 ,he now    
both studied and prayed easily1 and     
discharged all his duties1 in such a    
manner1 that he was scarce known to     
himself or to others4 ,what astonished  
him most was a remarkable gift of       
prayer4 ,he saw that there was readily  
given him what he could never have      

before1 whatever pains he took for it4  
,this enlivening gift was the principle 
which made him act1 gave him grace for  
his employments1 and an inward fruition 
of the grace of ,god1 which brought all 
good with it4 ,he gradually brought me  
all the novices1 all of whom partook of 
the effects of grace1 though            
differently1 according to their         
different temperaments4 ,never was there
 a more flourishing noviciate4  ,the    
master and superior could not forbear   
admiring so great a change in their     
novices1 though they did not know the   
cause of it4 ,one day1 as they were     
speaking of it to the collector1 for    
they esteemed him highly on account of  
his virtue1 he said1 ,my fathers1 if you
 will permit me1 ,i will tell you the   
reason of it4 ,it is the lady against   
whom you have exclaimed so much without 
knowing her1 whom ,god has made use of  
for all of this4 ,they were very        
surprised2 and both the master1 though  
advanced in age1 and his superior then  

submitted humbly to practice prayer1    
after the manner taught by a little     
book1 which the ,lord inspired me to    
write1 and of which ,i shall say more   
hereafter4 ,they reaped such benefit    
from it1 that the superior said to me1  
,i am become quite a new man4 ,i could  
not practice prayer before1 because my  
reasoning faculty was grown dull and    
exhausted2 but now ,i do it as often as 
,i will1 with ease1 with much fruit1 and
 a quite different sensation of the     
presence of ,god4 ,and the master said1 
,i have been a friar these forty years1 
and can truly say that ,i never knew how
 to pray2 nor have ,i ever known or     
tasted of ,god1 as ,i have done since ,i
 read that little book4  ,many others   
were gained to ,god1 whom ,i looked on  
to be my children4 ,he gave me three    
famous friars1 of an order by which ,i  
have been1 and still am1 very much      
persecuted4 ,he made me also of service 
to a great number of nuns1 of virtuous  
young women1 and even men of the world2 

among the rest a young man of quality1  
who had quitted the order of the knights
 of ,malta1 to take that of the         
priesthood4 ,he was the relation of a   
bishop near him1 who had other designs  
of preferment for him4 ,he has been much
 favored of the ,lord1 and is constant  
in prayer4 ,i could not describe the    
great number of souls which were then   
given me1 as well maids1 as wives1      
priests and friars4 ,but there were     
three curates1 one canon1 and one       
grand-vicar1 who were more particularly 
given me4 ,there was one priest for whom
 ,i suffered much1 through his not being
 willing to die to himself1 and loving  
himself too much4 ,with a sad regret ,i 
saw him decaying1 falling away4 ,as for 
the others there are some of them who   
have continued stedfast and immovable1  
and some whom the tempest has shaken a  
little1 but not torn away4 ,though these
 start aside1 yet they still return4    
,but those who are snatched quite away  
return no more4  ,there was one true    

daughter given me1 whom our ,lord made  
use of to gain many others to ,him4 ,she
 was in a strange state of death when ,i
 first saw her1 and by me ,he gave her  
life and peace4 ,she afterward1 fell    
extremely ill4 ,the doctors said she    
would die2 but ,i had an assurance of   
the contrary1 and that ,god would make  
use of her to gain souls1 as he has     
done4 ,there was in a monastery a young 
woman confined in a state of            
distraction4 ,i saw her1 knew her case1 
and that it was not what they thought it
 was4 ,as soon as ,i had spoken to her  
she recovered4 ,but the prioress did not
 like that ,i should tell her my        
thoughts of it1 because the person who  
had brought her thither was her friend4 
,they plagued her more than before1 and 
threw her back again into her           
distraction4  ,a sister of another      
monastery had been for eight years in a 
deep melancholy unrelieved by anyone4   
,her director increased it1 by          
practicing remedies contrary to her     

disorder4 ,i had never been in that     
monastery2 for ,i did not go into such  
places1 unless ,i was sent for1 as ,i   
did not think it right to intrude1 but  
left myself to be conducted of          
,providence4 ,i was very much surprised 
that at eight o'clock at night one came 
for me from the prioress4 ,it was in the
 long days of summer1 and being near1 ,i
 went4 ,i met with a sister who told me 
her case4 ,she had gone to such excess1 
that seeing no remedy for it1 she had   
taken a knife to kill herself4 ,the     
knife fell out of her hand and a person 
coming to see her had advised her to    
speak to me4 ,our ,lord made me know at 
first what the matter was2 and that ,he 
required her to resign herself to ,him1 
instead of resisting ,him as they had   
made her do for eight years4 ,i was     
instrumental to draw her into such a    
resignation1 that she entered at once   
into a peace of paradise2 all her pains 
and troubles were instantly banished2   
and never returned again4 ,she has the  

greatest capacity of any in the house4  
,she was presently so changed as to be  
the admiration of the whole community4  
,our ,lord gave her a very great gift of
 prayer and ,his continual presence1    
with a faculty and readiness for        
everything4 ,a domestic also1 who had   
troubled her for twenty-two years past1 
was delivered from her troubles4 ,that  
produced a close tie of friendship      
between the prioress and me1 as the     
wonderful change and the peace of this  
sister surprised her1 she having so     
often seen her in her terrible sorrow4  
,i also contracted other such ties in   
this monastery1 where there are souls   
under the ,lord's special regard1 whom  
,he drew to ,himself by the means ,he   
had been pleased to make choice4  ,i was
 specially moved to read the ,holy      
,scriptures4 ,when ,i began ,i was      
impelled to write the passage1 and      
instantly its explication was given me1 
which ,i also wrote1 going on with      
inconceivable expedition1 light being   

poured in upon me in such a manner1 that
 ,i found ,i had in myself latent       
treasures of wisdom and knowledge which 
,i had not yet known of4 ,before ,i     
wrote ,i knew not what ,i was going to  
write4 ,and after ,i had written1 ,i    
remembered nothing of what ,i had       
penned2 nor could ,i make use of any    
part of it for the help of souls4 ,the  
,lord gave me1 at the time ,i spoke to  
them 7without any study or reflection of
 mine7 all that was necessary for them4 
,thus the ,lord made me go on with an   
explanation of the holy internal sense  
of the ,scriptures4 ,i had no other book
 but the ,bible1 nor ever made use of   
any but that1 and without even seeking  
for any4 ,when1 in writing on the ,old  
,testament1 ,i made use of passages of  
the ,new1 to support what ,i had said1  
it was without seeking them1 they were  
given me along with the explication2 and
 in writing on the ,new ,testament1     
therein making use of passages of the   
,old1 they were given me in like manner 

without my seeking anything4 ,i had     
scarce any time for writing but in the  
night1 allowing only one or two hours to
 sleep4 ,the ,lord made me write with so
 much purity1 that ,i was obliged to    
leave off or begin again1 as ,he was    
pleased to order4 ,when ,i wrote by day1
 often suddenly interrupted1 ,i left the
 word unfinished1 and ,he afterward gave
 me what ,he pleased4 ,if ,i gave way to
 reflection ,i was punished for it1 and 
could not proceed4 ,yet sometimes ,i was
 not duly attentive to the divine       
,spirit1 thinking ,i did well to        
continue when ,i had time1 even without 
feeling ,his immediate impulse or       
enlightning influence1 from whence it is
 easy to see some places clear and      
consistent1 and others which have       
neither taste nor unction2 such is the  
difference of the ,spirit of ,god from  
the human and natural spirit4 ,although 
they are left just as ,i wrote them1 yet
 ,i am ready1 if ordered1 to adjust them
 according to my present light4  ,didst 

thou not1 ,o my ,god1 turn me a hundred 
ways1 to prove whether ,i was without   
any reserve1 through every kind of      
trial1 or whether ,i had not yet some   
little interest for myself8 ,my soul    
became hereby readily too pliable to    
every discovery of the divine will1 and 
whatever kind of humiliations attended  
me to counterbalance my ,lord's favors1 
till everything1 high or low1 was       
rendered alike to me4  ,methinks the    
,lord acts with ,his dearest friends as 
the sea with its waves4 ,sometimes it   
pushes them against the rocks where they
 break in pieces1 sometimes it rolls    
them on the sand1 or dashes them on the 
mire1 then instantly it retakes them    
into the depths of its own bosom1 where 
they are absorbed with the same rapidity
 that they were first ejected4 ,even    
among the good the far greater part are 
souls only of mercy2 surely that is     
well2 but to appertain to divine        
justice1 oh1 how rare and yet how great6
 ,mercy is all distributive in favor of 

the creature1 but justice destroys      
everything of the creature1 without     
sparing anything4  ,the lady1 who was my
 particular friend1 began to conceive   
some jealousy on the applause given me1 
,god so permitting if for the farther   
purification of her soul1 through this  
weakness1 and the pain it caused her4   
,also some confessors began to be       
uneasy1 saying that it was none of my   
business to invade their province1 and  
to meddle in the helps of souls2 that   
there were some of the penitents which  
had a great affection for me4 ,it was   
easy for me to observe the difference   
between those confessors who1 in their  
conducting of souls1 seek nothing but   
,god1 and those who seek themselves     
therein4 ,the first came to see me1 and 
rejoiced greatly at the grace of ,god   
bestowed on their penitents1 without    
fixing their attention on the           
instrument4 ,the others1 on the         
contrary1 tried underhand to stir up the
 town against me4 ,i saw that they would

 be in the right to oppose me1 if ,i had
 intruded of myself2 but ,i could do    
nothing but what the ,lord made me do4  
,at times there came some to dispute and
 oppose me4 ,two friars came1 one of    
them a man of profound learning and a   
great preacher4 ,they came separately1  
after having studied a number of        
difficult things to propose to me4      
,though they were matters far out of my 
reach1 the ,lord made me answer as      
justly as if ,i had studied them all my 
life2 after which ,i spoke to them as   
,he inspired me4 ,they went away not    
only convinced and satisfied1 but       
affected with the love of ,god4  ,i     
still continued writing with a          
prodigious swiftness2 for the hand could
 scarcely follow fast enough the ,spirit
 which dictated4 ,through the whole     
progress of so long a work ,i never     
altered my manner nor made use of any   
other book than the ,bible itself4 ,the 
transcriber1 whatever diligence he used1
 could not copy in five days what ,i    

wrote in one night4 ,whatever is good in
 it comes from ,god only4 ,whatever is  
otherwise from myself2 ,i mean from the 
mixture which ,i have made1 without duly
 attending to it1 of my own impurity    
with his pure and chaste doctrine4 ,in  
the day ,i had scarcely time to eat1 by 
reason of the vast numbers of people    
which came thronging to me4 ,i wrote the
 canticles in a day and a half1 and     
received several visits besides4  ,here 
,i may add to what ,i have said about my
 writings1 that a considerable part of  
the book of ,judges happened by some    
means to be lost4 ,being desired to     
render that book complete1 ,i wrote     
again the places lost4 ,afterward when  
the people were about leaving the house1
 they were found4 ,my former and latter 
explications1 on comparison1 were found 
to be perfectly conformable to each     
other1 which greatly surprised persons  
of knowledge and merit1 who attested the
 truth of it4  ,there came to see me a  
counselor of the parliament1 a servant  

of ,god1 who finding on my table a tract
 on prayer1 which ,i had written long   
before1 desired me to lend it4 ,having  
read it and liked it much1 he lent it to
 some friends1 to whom he thought it    
might be of service4 ,everyone wanted   
copies of it4 ,he resolved therefore to 
have it printed4 ,the impression was    
begun1 and proper approbations given to 
it4 ,they requested me to write a       
preface1 which ,i did1 and thus was that
 little book printed4 ,this counselor   
was one of my intimate friends1 and a   
pattern of piety4 ,the book has already 
passed through five or six editions2 and
 our ,lord has given a very great       
benediction to it4 ,those good friars   
took fifteen hundred of them4 ,the devil
 became so enraged against me on account
 of the conquest which ,god made by me1 
that ,i was assured he was going to stir
 up against me a violent persecution4   
,all that gave me no trouble4 ,let him  
stir up against me ever so strange      
persecutions4 ,i know they will all     

serve to the glory of my ,god4          
,,chapter #ag   ,a poor girl of very    
great simplicity1 who earned her        
livelihood by her labor1 and was        
inwardly favored of the ,lord1 came all 
sorrowful to me1 and said1 ,oh my       
mother1 what strange things have ,i     
seen6 ,i asked what they were1 ,alas    
said she1 ,i have seen you like a lamb  
in the midst of a vast troop of furious 
wolves4 ,i have seen a frightful        
multitude of people of all ranks and    
robes1 of all ages1 sexes and           
conditions1 priests1 friars1 married    
men1 maids and wives1 with pikes1       
halberts and drawn swords1 all eager for
 your instant destruction4 ,you let them
 alone without stirring1 or being       
surprised and without offering any way  
to defend yourself4 ,i looked on all    
sides to see whether anyone would come  
to assist and defend you2 but ,i saw not
 one4  ,some days after1 those1 who     
through envy were raising private       
batteries against me1 broke forth4      

,libels began to spread4 ,envious people
 wrote against me1 without knowing me4  
,they said that ,i was a sorceress1 that
 it was by a magic power ,i attracted   
souls1 that everything in me was        
diabolical2 that if ,i did charities1 it
 was because ,i coined1 and put off     
false money1 with many other gross      
accusations1 equally false1 groundless  
and absurd4  ,as the tempest increased  
every day1 some of my friends advised me
 to withdraw1 but before ,i mention my  
leaving ,grenoble1 ,i must say something
 farther of my state while here4  ,it   
seemed to me that all our ,lord made me 
do for souls1 would be in union with    
,jesus ,christ4 ,in this divine union my
 words1 had wonderful effect1 even the  
formation of ,jesus ,christ in the souls
 of others4 ,i was in no wise able of   
myself to say the things ,i said4 ,he   
who conducted me made me say what ,he   
pleased1 and as long as ,he pleased4 ,to
 some ,i was not permitted to speak a   
word2 and to others there flowed forth  

as it were a deluge of grace1 and yet   
this pure love admitted not of any      
superfluity1 or a means of empty        
amusement4 ,when questions were asked1  
to which an answer were useless1 it was 
not given me4 ,it was the same in regard
 to such as our ,lord was pleased to    
conduct through death to themselves1 and
 who came to seek for human consolation4
 ,i had nothing for them but what was   
purely necessary1 and could proceed no  
farther4 ,i could at least only speak of
 indifferent things1 in such liberty as 
,god allows1 in order to suit everyone1 
and not to be unsociable or disagreeable
 to any2 but for ,his own word1 ,he     
,himself is the dispenser of it4 ,oh1 if
 preachers were duly careful to speak   
only in that spirit what fruits would   
they bring forth in the lives of the    
hearers6 ,with my true children ,i could
 communicate best in silence1 in the    
spiritual language of the divine ,word4 
,i had the consolation some time before 
to hear one read in ,st4 ,augustine a   

conversation he had with his mother4 ,he
 complains of the necessity of returning
 from that heavenly language to words4  
,i sometimes said1 ,oh1 my ,love1 give  
me hearts large enough to receive and   
contain the fulness bestowed on me4     
,after this manner1 when the ,holy      
,virgin approached ,elizabeth1 a        
wonderful commerce was maintained       
between ,jesus ,christ and ,st4 ,john   
the ,baptist1 who after this manifested 
no eagerness to come to see ,christ1 but
 was drawn to retire into the desert1 to
 receive the like communications with   
the greatest plenitude4 ,when he came   
forth to preach repentance1 he said1 not
 that he was the ,word1 but only a      
,voice which was sent to make way1 or   
open a passage into the hearts of the   
people for ,christ the ,word4 ,he       
baptized only with water1 for that was  
his function2 for1 as the water in      
running off leaves nothing1 so does the 
,voice when it is past4 ,but the ,word  
baptized with the ,holy ,ghost1 because 

,he imprinted ,himself on souls1 and    
communicated with them by that ,holy    
,spirit4 ,it is not observed that ,jesus
 ,christ said anything during the whole 
obscure part of ,his life1 though it is 
true that not any of ,his words shall be
 lost4 ,oh ,love1 if all thou hast said 
and operated in silence were to be      
written1 ,i think the whole world could 
not contain the books that should be    
written4 ,john #ba3be4  ,all that ,i    
experienced was shown me in the ,holy   
,scripture4 ,i saw with admiration that 
there passed nothing within my soul     
which was not in ,jesus ,christ and in  
the ,holy ,scriptures4 ,i must pass over
 very many things in silence1 because   
they cannot be expressed4 ,if they were 
expressed they could not be understood  
or comprehended4  ,i often felt much for
 ,father ,la ,combe1 who was not yet    
fixed in his state of interior death1   
but often rose and fell into            
alternatives4 ,i was made sensible that 
,father ,la ,combe was a vessel of      

election1 whom ,god had chosen to carry 
,his name among the ,gentiles1 and that 
,he would show him how much he must     
suffer for that name4 ,a carnal world   
judges carnally of them1 and imputes to 
human attachment what is from the purest
 grace4 ,if this union by any deviation 
be broken1 the more pure and perfect it 
is1 the more painfully will it be felt2 
the separation of the soul from ,god by 
sin being worse than that from the body 
of death4 ,for myself ,i may say ,i had 
a continual dependence on ,god1 in every
 state2 my soul was ever willing to obey
 every motion of ,his ,spirit4 ,i       
thought there could not be anything in  
the world which ,he could require from  
me1 to which ,i would not give myself up
 readily and with pleasure4 ,i had no   
interest at all for myself4 ,when ,god  
requires anything from this wretched    
nothing1 ,i find no resistance left in  
me to do ,his will1 how rigorous soever 
it may appear4 ,if there is a heart in  
the world of which ,thou art the sole   

and absolute master1 mine seems to be   
one of that sort4 ,thy will1 however    
rigorous1 is its life and its pleasure4 
,to resume the thread of my story1 the  
,bishop of ,grenoble's ,almoner         
persuaded me to go for some time to     
,marseilles1 to let the storm pass over4
 ,he told me that ,i would be well      
received there1 it being his native     
soil1 and that many people of merit were
 there4 ,i wrote to ,father ,la ,combe  
for his consent4 ,he readily gave it4 ,i
 might have gone to ,verceil2 for the   
,bishop of ,verceil had written me very 
obliging letters1 earnestly pressing me 
to come4 ,but a human respect1 and fear 
of affording a handle to my enemies1    
gave me an extreme aversion thereto4    
,beside the above1 the ,marchioness of  
,prunai1 who1 since my departure from   
her1 had been more enlightened by her   
own experience1 having met with a part  
of the things which ,i thought would    
befall her1 had conceived for me a very 
strong friendship and intimate union of 

spirit1 in such a manner that no two    
sisters could be more united than we4   
,she was extremely desirous that ,i     
would return to her1 as ,i had formerly 
promised her4 ,but ,i could not resolve 
upon this1 lest it should be thought    
that ,i was gone after ,father ,la      
,combe4 ,there had been no room given to
 anybody to accuse me of any indirect   
attachment to him2 for when it depended 
on myself not to continue with him1 ,i  
did not do it4 ,the ,bishop of ,geneva  
had not failed to write against me to   
,grenoble1 as he had done to other      
places4 ,his nephew had gone from house 
to house to cry me down4 ,all this was  
indifferent to me2 and ,i did not cease 
to do to his diocese all the good in my 
power4 ,i even wrote to him in a        
respectful manner2 but his heart was too
 much closed to yield to anything4      
,before ,i left ,grenoble1 that good    
girl ,i have spoken of came to me       
weeping1 and told me that ,i was going1 
and that ,i hid it from her1 because ,i 

would have nobody know it2 but that the 
,devil would be before me in all the    
places ,i should go to2 that ,i was     
going to a town1 where ,i would scarce  
be arrived1 before he would stir up the 
whole town against me1 and would do me  
all the harm he possibly could4 ,what   
had obliged me to conceal my departure1 
was my fear of being loaded with visits1
 and testimonies of friendship from a   
number of good persons1 who had a very  
great affection for me4  ,i embarked    
then upon the ,rhone1 with my maid and a
 young woman of ,grenoble1 whom the     
,lord has highly favored through my     
means4 ,the ,bishop of ,grenoble's      
,almoner also accompanied me1 with      
another very worthy ecclesiastic4 ,we   
met with many alarming accidents and    
wonderful preservations2 but those      
instant dangers1 which affrighted       
others1 far from alarming me1 augmented 
my peace4 ,the ,bishop of ,grenoble's   
,almoner was much astonished4 ,he was in
 a desperate fright1 when the boat      

struck against a rock1 and opened at the
 stroke4 ,in his emotion looking        
attentively at me1 he observed that ,i  
did not change my countenance1 or move  
my eyebrows1 retaining all my           
tranquillity4 ,i did not so much as feel
 the first emotions of surprise1 which  
are natural to everybody on those       
occasions1 as they depend not on        
ourselves4 ,what caused my peace in such
 dangers as terrify others1 was my      
resignation to ,god1 and because death  
is much more agreeable to me than life1 
if such were ,his will1 to which ,i     
desire to be ever patiently submissive4 
,a man of quality1 a servant of ,god1   
and one of my intimate friends had given
 me a letter for a knight of ,malta1 who
 was very devout1 and whom ,i have      
esteemed since ,i have known him1 as a  
man whom our ,lord designed to serve the
 order of ,malta greatly1 and to be its 
ornament and support by his holy life4  
,i had told him that ,i thought he      
should go thither1 and that ,god would  

assuredly make use of him to diffuse a  
spirit of piety into many of the        
knights4 ,he has actually gone to       
,malta1 where the first places were soon
 given him4 ,this man of quality sent   
him my little book of prayer and printed
 at ,grenoble4 ,he had a chaplain very  
averse to the spiritual path4 ,he took  
this book1 and condemning it at once1   
went to stir up a part of the town1 and 
among the rest a set of men who called  
themselves the seventy-two disciples of 
,st4 ,cyran4 ,i arrived at ,marseilles  
at ten o'clock in the morning1 and that 
very afternoon all was in a noise       
against me4 ,some went to speak to the  
bishop1 telling him that1 on account of 
that book1 it was necessary to banish me
 from the city4 ,they gave him the book 
which he examined with one of his       
prebends4 ,he liked it well4 ,he sent   
for ,monsieur ,malaval and a father     
,recollect1 who he knew had come to see 
me a little after my arrival1 to inquire
 of them from whence that great tumult  

had its rise1 which indeed had no other 
effect on me than to make me smile1     
seeing so soon accomplished what that   
young woman had foretold me4 ,monsieur  
,malaval and that good father told the  
bishop what they thought of me2 after   
which he testified much uneasiness at   
the insult given me4 ,i was obliged to  
go to see him4 ,he received me with     
extraordinary respect1 and begged my    
excuse for what had happened2 desired me
 to stay at ,marseilles1 and assured me 
that he would protect me4 ,he even asked
 where ,i lodged1 that he might come to 
see me4  ,next day the ,bishop of       
,grenoble's ,almoner went to see him1   
with that other priest who had come with
 us4 ,the ,bishop of ,marseilles again  
testified to them his sorrow for the    
insults given me without any cause2 and 
told them1 that it was usual with those 
persons to insult all such as were not  
of their cabal1 that they had even      
insulted himself4 ,they were not content
 with that4 ,they wrote to me the most  

offensive letters possible1 though at   
the same time they did not know me4 ,i  
apprehended that our ,lord was beginning
 in earnest to take from me every place 
of abode2 and those words were renewed  
in my mind1 ,the foxes have holes1 and  
the birds of the air have nests1 but the
 ,son of man hath not where to lay his  
head4  ,in the short time of my stay at 
,marseilles1 ,i was instrumental in     
supporting some good souls1 and among   
others an ecclesiastic1 who till then   
was unacquainted with me4 ,after having 
finished his thanksgiving in the church1
 seeing me go out1 he followed me into  
the house in which ,i lodged4 ,then he  
told me that the ,lord had inspired him 
to address me1 and to open his inward   
state to me4 ,he did it with as much    
simplicity as humility1 and the ,lord   
gave him through me all that was        
necessary for him1 from whence he was   
filled with joy1 and thankful           
acknowledgments to ,god4 ,although there
 were many spiritual persons there1 and 

even of his intimate friends1 he never  
had been moved to open his mind to any  
of them4 ,he was a servant of ,god1 and 
favored by ,him with a singular gift of 
prayer4 ,during the eight days ,i was at
 ,marseilles1 ,i saw many good souls    
there4 ,through all my persecutions1 our
 ,lord always struck some good stroke of
 ,his own right hand1 and that good     
ecclesiastic was delivered from an      
anxiety of mind1 which had much         
afflicted him for some years4  ,after ,i
 had left ,grenoble1 those who hated me1
 without knowing me1 spread libels      
against me4 ,a woman for whom ,i had    
great love1 and whom ,i had even        
extricated from an engagement which she 
had continued in for several years1 and 
contributed to her discarding the person
 to whom she had been attached1 suffered
 her mind to resume its fondness for    
that pernicious engagement4 ,she became 
violently enraged against me for having 
broken it off4 ,although ,i had freely  
been at some expense to procure her     

freedom1 still she went to the ,bishop  
of ,grenoble1 to tell him that ,i had   
counseled her to do an act of injustice4
 ,she then went from confessor to       
confessor1 repeating the same story1 to 
animate them against me4 ,as they were  
too susceptible of the prejudices       
infused1 the fire was soon kindled in   
all quarters4 ,there were none but those
 who knew me1 and who loved ,god1 that  
took my part4 ,they became more closely 
united to me in sympathy through my     
persecution4 ,it would have been very   
easy for me to destroy the calumny1 as  
well with the ,bishop of ,grenoble4 ,i  
needed only to tell who the person was1 
and show the fruits of her disorder4 ,i 
could not declare the guilty person1    
without making known at the same time   
the other who had been her accomplice1  
who now1 being touched of ,god1 was very
 penitent1 ,i thought it best for me to 
suffer and be silent4 ,there was a very 
pious man who knew all her history1 from
 the beginning to the end of it1 who    

wrote to her1 that if she did not       
retract her lies1 he would publish the  
account of her wicked life1 to make     
known both her gross iniquity and my    
innocence4 ,she continued some time in  
her malice1 writing that ,i was a       
sorceress1 with many other falsehoods4  
,some time after she had such a cruel   
remorse of conscience on this account1  
that she wrote both to the bishop and   
others to retract what she had said4    
,she induced one to write to me1 to     
inform me that she was in despair for   
what she had done2 that ,god had        
punished her4 ,after these recantations 
the outcry abated1 the bishop disabused1
 and since that time he has testified a 
great regard for me4 ,this creature had1
 among other things1 said that ,i caused
 myself to be worshiped2 also other     
unparalleled follies4  ,from ,marseilles
 ,i knew not how or whither ,i should   
turn next4 ,i saw no likelihood either  
of staying or of returning to ,grenoble1
 where ,i had left my daughter in a     

convent4 ,father ,la ,combe had written 
to me that he did not think ,i ought to 
go to ,paris4 ,i even felt a strong     
repugnance to the idea of going1 which  
made me think it was not yet the time   
for it4 ,one morning ,i felt myself     
inwardly pressed to go somewhere4 ,i    
took a conveyance to go to see the      
,marchioness of ,prunai1 which was1 ,i  
thought1 the most honorable refuge for  
me in my present condition4 ,i thought  
,i might pass through ,nice on my way to
 her habitation1 as some had assured me 
,i might4 ,but when ,i arrived at ,nice1
 ,i was greatly surprised to learn that 
the conveyance could not pass the       
mountain4 ,i knew not what to do1 nor   
which way to turn1 alone1 forsaken of   
everybody1 and not knowing what ,god    
required of me4 ,my confusion and       
crosses seemed to increase4 ,i saw      
myself1 without refuge or retreat1      
wandering as a vagabond4 ,all the       
tradesmen1 whom ,i saw in their shops1  
appeared to me happy1 in having a       

dwelling of their own in which to       
retire4 ,nothing in the world seemed    
harder than this wandering life to me1  
who naturally loved propriety and       
decorum4 ,as ,i was in this uncertainty1
 not knowing what course to take1 one   
came to tell me that next day a sloop   
would set off1 which used to go in one  
day to ,genoa2 and that if ,i chose it1 
they would land me at ,savona1 from     
whence ,i might get myself carried to   
the ,marchioness of ,prunai's house4 ,to
 that ,i consented1 as ,i could not be  
supplied with any other way4  ,i had    
some joy at embarking on the sea4 ,i    
said in myself1 ,if ,i am the dregs of  
the earth1 the scorn and offscouring of 
nature1 ,i am now going to embark on the
 element which above all others is the  
most treacherous2 if it be the ,lord's  
pleasure to plunge me in the waves1 it  
shall be mine to perish in them4 ,there 
came a tempest in a place dangerous for 
a small boat2 and the mariners were some
 of the wickedest4 ,the irritation of   

the waves gave a satisfaction to my     
mind4 ,i pleased myself in thinking that
 those mutinous billows might probably  
supply me with a grave4 ,perhaps ,i     
carried the point too far in the        
pleasure ,i took1 at seeing myself      
beaten and bandied by the waters4 ,those
 who were with me1 took notice of my    
intrepidity1 but knew not the cause of  
it4 ,i asked some little hole of a rock 
to be placed in1 there to live separate 
from all creatures4 ,i figured to       
myself1 that some uninhabited island    
would have terminated all my disgraces1 
and put me in a condition of infallibly 
doing ,thy will4 ,thou designedst me a  
prison far different from that of the   
rock1 and quite another banishment than 
that of the uninhabited island4 ,thou   
reservest me to be battered by billows1 
more irritated than those of the sea4   
,calumnies proved to be the unrelenting 
waves1 to which ,i was to be exposed1 in
 order to be lashed and tossed by them  
without mercy4 ,by the tempest we were  

kept back1 and instead of a short day's 
passage to ,genoa1 we were eleven days  
making it4 ,how peaceable was my heart  
in so violent an agitation6 ,we could   
not land at ,savona4 ,we were obliged to
 go on to ,genoa4 ,we arrived there in  
the beginning of the week before        
,easter4  ,while ,i was there ,i was    
obliged to bear the insults of the      
inhabitants1 caused by the resentment   
they had against the ,french because of 
the havoc of a late bombardment4 ,the   
,doge was newly gone out of the city1   
and had carried off with him all the    
coaches4 ,i could not get one1 and was  
obliged to stay several days at         
excessive expenses4 ,the people there   
demanded of us exorbitant sums1 and as  
much for every single person as they    
would have asked for a company at the   
best eating place in ,paris4 ,i had     
little money left1 but my store in      
,providence could not be exhausted4 ,i  
begged with the greatest earnestness for
 a carriage at any price1 to pass the   

feast of ,easter at the ,marchioness of 
,prunai's house4 ,it was then within    
three days of ,easter4 ,i could scarce  
any way get myself to be understood4 ,by
 the force of entreaty1 they brought me 
at length a sorry coach with lame mules1
 and told me that they would take me    
readily to ,verceil1 which was only two 
days journey1 but demanded an enormous  
sum4 ,they would not engage to take me  
to the ,marchioness of ,prunai's house1 
as they knew not where her estate lay4  
,this was to me a strong mortification2 
for ,i was very willing to go to        
,verceil2 nevertheless the proximity of 
,easter2 and want of money1 in a country
 where they used every kind of extortion
 and tyranny1 left me no choice4 ,i was 
under an absolute necessity of          
submitting to be thus conveyed to       
,verceil4  ,thus ,providence led me     
whither ,i would not4 ,our muleteer was 
one of the most brutal men2 and for an  
increase of my affliction1 ,i had sent  
away to ,verceil the ecclesiastic who   

accompanied us1 to prevent their        
surprise at seeing me there1 after ,i   
had protested against going4 ,that      
ecclesiastic was very coarsely treated  
on the road1 through the hatred they    
bore to the ,french4 ,they made him go  
part of the way on foot1 so that1 though
 he set off the day before me1 he       
arrived there only a few hours sooner   
than ,i did4 ,as for the fellow who     
conducted us1 seeing he had only women  
under his care1 he treated us in the    
most insolent and boorish manner4  ,we  
passed through a wood infested with     
robbers4 ,the muleteer was afraid1 and  
told us1 that1 if we met any of them on 
the road1 we should be murdered4 ,they  
spared nobody4 ,scarcely had he uttered 
these words1 when there appeared four   
men well armed4 ,they immediately       
stopped us6 ,the man was exceedingly    
frightened4 ,i made a light bow of my   
head1 with a smile1 for ,i had no fear1 
and was so entirely resigned to         
,providence1 that it was all one to die 

this way or any other2 in the sea1 or by
 the hands of robbers4 ,when the dangers
 were most manifest1 then was my faith  
the strongest1 as well as my            
intrepidity1 being unable to wish for   
anything else than what should fall out1
 whether to be dashed against the rocks1
 drowned1 or killed in any other way2   
everything in the will of ,god being    
equal to me4 ,the people who used to    
convey or attend me said that they had  
never seen a courage like mine2 for the 
most alarming dangers1 and the time when
 death appeared the most certain1 were  
those which seemed to please me the     
most4 ,was it not thy pleasure1 ,o my   
,god1 which guarded me in every imminent
 danger1 and held me back from rolling  
down the precipice1 on the instant of   
sliding over its dizzy brow8 ,the more  
easy ,i was about life1 which ,i bore   
only because ,thou wast pleased to bear 
it1 the more care ,thou tookest to      
preserve it4 ,there seemed a mutual     
emulation between us1 on my part to     

resign it1 and on thine to maintain it4 
,the robbers then advanced to the coach2
 but ,i had no sooner saluted them1 than
 ,god made them change their design4    
,having pushed off one another1 as it   
were1 to hinder each of them from doing 
any harm2 they respectfully saluted me1 
and1 with an air of compassion1 unusual 
to such sorts of persons1 retired4 ,i   
was immediately struck to the heart with
 a full and clear conviction that it was
 a stroke of ,thy right hand1 who had   
other designs over me than to suffer me 
to die by the hand of robbers4 ,it is   
,thy sovereign power which takes away   
their all from ,thy devoted lovers2 and 
destroys their lives with all that is of
 self without pity or sparing anything4 
,the muleteer1 seeing me attended only  
with two young women1 thought he might  
treat me as he would1 perhaps expecting 
to draw money from me4 ,instead of      
taking me to the inn1 he brought me to a
 mill1 in which there was a woman4      
,there was but one single room with     

several beds in it1 in which the millers
 and muleteers lay together4 ,in that   
chamber they forced me to stay4 ,i told 
the muleteer ,i was not a person to lie 
in such a place and wanted to oblige him
 to take me to the inn4 ,nothing of it  
would he do4 ,i was constrained to go   
out on foot1 at ten o'clock at night1   
carrying a part of my clothes1 and to go
 a good way more than a quarter of a    
league in the dark1 in a strange place1 
not knowing the way1 crossing one end of
 the wood infested with robbers1 to     
endeavor to get to the inn4 ,that       
fellow1 seeing us go off from the place1
 where he had wanted to make me lodge1  
hooted after us in a very abusive       
manner4 ,i bore my humiliation          
cheerfully1 but not without feeling it4 
,but the will of ,god and my resignation
 to it rendered everything easy to me4  
,we were well received at the inn2 and  
the good people there did the best in   
their power for our recovery from the   
fatigue we had undergone4 ,they assured 

us the place we had left was very       
dangerous4 ,next morning we were obliged
 to return on foot to the carriage for  
that man would not bring it to us4 ,on  
the contrary1 he gave us a shower of    
fresh insults4 ,to consummate his base  
behavior1 he sold me to the post1       
whereby ,i was forced to go the rest of 
the way in a post-chaise instead of a   
carriage4  ,in this equipage ,i arrived 
at ,alexandria1 a frontier town1 subject
 to ,spain1 on the side of the          
,milanese4 ,our driver took us1         
according to their custom1 to the       
posthouse4 ,i was exceedingly astonished
 when ,i saw the landlady coming out not
 to receive him1 but to oppose his      
entrance4 ,she had heard there were     
women in the chaise1 and taking us for a
 different sort of women from what we   
were1 she protested against our coming  
in4 ,on the other hand1 the driver was  
determined to force his entrance in     
spite of her4 ,their dispute rose to    
such a height1 that a great number of   

the officers of the garrison1 with a    
mob1 gathered at the noise1 who were    
surprised at the odd humor of the woman 
in refusing to lodge us4 ,with          
earnestness ,i entreated the post to    
take us to some other house1 but he     
would not2 so obstinately was he bent on
 carrying his point4 ,he assured the    
landlady we were persons of honor and   
piety too2 the marks whereof he had     
seen4 ,at last1 by force of pressing    
entreaties1 he obliged her to come to   
see us4 ,as soon as she had looked at   
us1 she acted as the robbers had done2  
she relented at once and admitted us4   
,no sooner had ,i alighted from the     
chaise1 than she said1 ,go shut         
yourselves up in that chamber hard by1  
and do not stir1 that my son may not    
know you are here2 as soon as he knows  
it he will kill you4 ,she said it with  
so much force1 as did also the servant  
maid1 that1 if death had not so many    
charms for me1 ,i should have been ready
 to die with fear4 ,the two poor girls  

with me were under frightful            
apprehensions4 ,when any stirred1 or    
came to open the door1 they thought they
 were coming to kill them4 ,in short    
they continued in a dreadful suspense1  
between life and death1 till next day1  
when we learned that the young man had  
sworn to kill any woman who lodged at   
the house4 ,a few days before1 an event 
had fallen out1 which had like to have  
ruined him2 a woman of a bad life having
 there privately murdered a man in some 
esteem1 that had cost the house a heavy 
fine2 and he was afraid of any more such
 persons coming1 not without reason4    
,,chapter #ah   ,after these adventures1
 and others which it would be tedious to
 recite1 ,i arrived at ,verceil4 ,i went
 to the inn1 where ,i was badly         
received4 ,i sent for ,father ,la       
,combe1 who ,i thought had been already 
apprised of my coming1 by the           
ecclesiastic whom ,i had sent before1   
and who would be of so much service to  
me4 ,this ecclesiastic was only a little

 while arrived4 ,how much better on the 
road should ,i have fared1 if ,i had him
 with me6 ,for in that country they look
 upon ladies1 accompanied with          
ecclesiastics1 with veneration1 as      
persons of honor and piety4 ,father ,la 
,combe came in a strange fret at my     
arrival1 ,god so permitting it4 ,he said
 that every one would think ,i was come 
after him1 and that would injure his    
reputation1 which in that country was   
very high4 ,i had no less pain to go4   
,it was necessity only which had obliged
 me to submit to such a disagreeable    
task4 ,the father received me with      
coolness1 and in such a manner as let me
 sufficiently see his sentiments1 and   
indeed redoubled my pain4 ,i asked him  
if he required me to return1 adding1 if 
he did1 ,i would go off that moment     
however oppressed and spent1 both with  
fatigues and fastings4 ,he said that he 
did not know how the ,bishop of ,verceil
 would take my arrival1 after he had    
given over all his expectations of it1  

and after ,i had so long1 and so        
obstinately1 refused the obliging offers
 he had made me2 since which he no      
longer expressed any desire to see me4  
,it seemed to me then as if ,i were     
rejected from the face of the earth1    
without being able to find any refuge1  
and as if all creatures were combined to
 crush me4 ,i passed that night without 
sleep1 not knowing what course ,i should
 be obliged to take1 being persecuted by
 my enemies1 and a subject of disgrace  
to my friends4  ,when it was known at   
the inn1 that ,i was one of ,father ,la 
,combe's acquaintance1 they treated me  
with greatest respect and kindness4     
,they esteemed him as a saint4 ,the     
father knew not how to tell the bishop  
of my arrival1 and ,i felt his pain more
 than my own4 ,as soon as that ,prelate 
knew that ,i was arrived1 he sent his   
niece1 who took me in her coach1 and    
carried me to her house4 ,these things  
were only done out of ceremony2 and the 
bishop1 not having seen me yet1 knew not

 what to think of a journey so very     
unexpected1 after ,i had thrice refused1
 though he sent expresses on purpose to 
bring me to him4 ,he was out of humor   
with me4 ,nevertheless1 as he was       
informed that my design was not to stay 
at ,verceil1 but to go to the           
,marchioness of ,prunai's house1 he gave
 orders for me to be well treated4 ,he  
could not see me till ,easter ,sunday   
was over4 ,he officiated all the eve and
 all that day4 ,after it was over1 he   
came in a chaise to his niece's house to
 see me4 ,though he understood ,french  
hardly any better than ,i did ,italian1 
he was very well satisfied with the     
conversation he had with me4 ,he        
appeared to have as much favour for me  
as he had of indifference before4  ,he  
conceived as strong a friendship for me 
as if ,i had been his sister2 and his   
only pleasure1 amid his continual       
occupations1 was to come and pass half  
an hour with me in speaking of ,god4 ,he
 wrote to the ,bishop of ,marseilles to 

thank him for having protected me in the
 persecutions there4 ,he wrote to the   
,bishop of ,grenoble2 and he omitted    
nothing to manifest his regard for me4  
,he now seemed to think alone of finding
 out means to detain me in his diocese4 
,he would not hear of my going to see   
the ,marchioness of ,prunai4 ,on the    
contrary1 he wrote to her to come and   
settle with me in his diocese4 ,he sent 
,father ,la ,combe to her1 on purpose to
 exhort her to come2 assuring her that  
he would unite us all to make a         
congregation4 ,the ,marchioness entered 
into it readily1 and so did her         
daughter4 ,they would have come with    
,father ,la ,combe1 but the ,marchioness
 was sick4 ,the bishop was active and   
earnest in collecting and establishing a
 society of us1 and found several pious 
persons and some very devout young      
ladies1 who were all ready to come to   
join us4 ,but it was not the will of    
,god for fix me thus1 but to crucify me 
yet more4  ,the fatigue of traveling    

made me sick4 ,the girl also whom ,i    
brought from ,grenoble fell sick4 ,her  
relations1 who were covetous took it in 
their heads that1 if she should die in  
my service1 ,i would get her to make a  
will in my favor4 ,they were much       
mistaken4 ,far from desiring the        
property of others1 ,i had given up my  
own4 ,her brother1 full of this         
apprehension1 came with all speed2 the  
first thing he spoke to her about1      
although he found her recovered1 was to 
make a will4 ,that made a great noise in
 ,verceil4 ,he wanted her to return with
 him1 but she refused4 ,i advised her to
 do what her brother desired4 ,he       
contracted a friendship with some of the
 officers of the garrison1 to whom he   
told ridiculous stories1 as that ,i     
wanted to use his sister badly4 ,he     
pretended she was a person of quality4  
,they gave out what ,i was still afraid 
of1--that ,i was come after ,father ,la 
,combe4 ,they even persecuted him on my 
account4 ,the bishop was much troubled1 

but could not remedy it4 ,the friendship
 he had for me increased every day2     
because1 as he loved ,god1 so he did all
 those whom he thought desired to love  
,god4 ,as he saw me so much indisposed1 
he came to see me with assiduity and    
charity1 when at leisure from his       
occupations4 ,he made me little presents
 of fruits and other things4 ,his       
relations were jealous4 ,they said that 
,i was come to ruin him1 and to carry   
off his money into ,france1 which was   
farthest from my thoughts4 ,the bishop  
patiently bore these affronts1 hoping   
still to keep me in his diocese1 when ,i
 should be recovered4  ,father ,la      
,combe was the bishop's prebend and his 
confessor4 ,he esteemed him highly4 ,god
 made use of him to convert several of  
the officers and soldiers1 who1 from    
being men of scandalous lives1 became   
patterns of piety4 ,in that place       
everything was mixed with crosses1 but  
souls were gained to ,god4 ,there were  
some of his friars1 who1 after his      

example1 were advancing toward          
perfection4 ,though ,i neither          
understood their language nor they mine1
 the ,lord made us understand each other
 in what concerned ,his service4 ,the   
,rector of the ,jesuits took his time1  
when ,father ,la ,combe was gone out of 
town1 to prove me1 as he said4 ,he had  
studied theological matters1 which ,i   
did not understand4 ,he propounded      
several questions4 ,the ,lord inspired  
me to answer him in such a manner1 that 
he went away both surprised and         
satisfied4 ,he could not forbear        
speaking of it4  ,the ,barnabites of    
,paris1 or rather ,father de la ,mothe  
took it in head to try to draw ,father  
,la ,combe to go and preach at ,paris4  
,he wrote to the ,father-general about  
it1 because they had no one at ,paris to
 support their house1 that their church 
was deserted2 that it was a pity to     
leave such a man as ,father ,la ,combe  
in a place where he only corrupted his  
language4 ,it was necessary to make his 

fine talents appear at ,paris1 where he 
himself could not bear the burden of the
 house1 if they did not give him an     
assistant of such qualifications and    
experience4 ,who would not have thought 
all this to be sincere8 ,the ,bishop of 
,verceil1 who was very much a friend of 
,father-general1 having advice thereof1 
opposed it1 and answered that it would  
be doing him the greatest injury to take
 from him a man who was so exceedingly  
useful to him1 and at a time when he had
 the greatest need of him4  ,the        
,father-general of the ,barnabites would
 not agree to the request of ,father de 
la ,mothe1 for fear of offending the    
,bishop of ,verceil4 ,as to me1 my      
indisposition increased4 ,the air1 which
 is there extremely bad1 caused me a    
continual cough1 with frequent returns  
of fever4 ,i grew so much worse that it 
was thought ,i could not get over it4   
,the ,bishop was afflicted to see it1   
but1 having consulted the physicians1   
they assured him that the air of the    

place was mortal to me1 whereupon he    
said to me1 ,i had rather have you live1
 though distant from me1 than see you   
die here4 ,he gave up his design of     
establishing his congregation1 for my   
friend would not settle there without   
me4 ,the ,genoese lady could not easily 
leave her own city1 where she was       
respected4 ,the ,genoese besought her to
 set up there what the ,bishop of       
,verceil had wanted her to set up4 ,it  
was a congregation almost like that of  
,madame de ,miramion4 ,when the ,bishop 
had first proposed this1 however        
agreeable it appeared1 ,i had a         
presentiment that it would not succeed1 
and that it was not what our ,lord      
required of me1 though ,i submissively  
yielded to the good proposal1 were it   
only to acknowledge the many special    
favours of this prelate4 ,i was assured 
that the ,lord would know well how to   
prevent what ,he should now require of  
me4 ,as this good prelate saw he must   
resign himself to let me go1 he said to 

me1 ,you were willing to be in the      
diocese of ,geneva1 and there they      
persecuted and rejected you2 ,i1 who    
would gladly have you1 cannot keep you4 
,he wrote to ,father ,la ,mothe that ,i 
should go in the spring1 as soon as the 
weather would permit4 ,he was sorry to  
be obliged to let me go4 ,yet he still  
hoped to have kept ,father ,la ,combe1  
which probably might have been1 had not 
the death of the ,father-general given  
it another turn4  ,here it was that ,i  
wrote upon the ,apocalypse1 and that    
there was given me a greater certainty  
of all the persecutions of the most     
faithful servants of ,god4 ,here also ,i
 was strongly moved to write to ,madame 
,de ,ch----4 ,i did it with great       
simplicity2 and what ,i wrote was like  
the first foundation of what the ,lord  
required of her1 having been pleased to 
make use of me to help to bring her into
 ,his ways1 being one to whom ,i am much
 united1 and by her to others4  ,the    
,bishop of ,verceil's friend1 the       

,father-general of the ,barnabites1     
departed this life4 ,as soon as he was  
dead1 ,father ,la ,mothe wrote to the   
,vicar-general who now held his place   
till another should be elected renewing 
his request to have ,father ,la ,combe  
as an assistant4 ,the father1 hearing   
that ,i was obliged on account of my    
indisposition to return into ,france1   
sent an order to ,father ,la ,combe to  
return to ,paris1 and to accompany me in
 my journey1 as his doing that would    
exempt their house at ,paris1 already   
poor1 from the expenses of so long a    
journey4 ,father ,la ,combe1 who did not
 penetrate the poison under this fair   
outside1 consented thereto2 knowing it  
was my custom to have some ecclesiastic 
with me in traveling4 ,father ,la ,combe
 went off twelve days before me1 in     
order to transact some business1 and to 
wait for me at the passage over the     
mountains1 as the place where ,i had    
most need of an escort4 ,i set off in   
,lent1 the weather then being fine4 ,it 

was a sorrowful parting to the ,bishop4 
,i pitied him2 he was so much affected  
at losing both ,father ,la ,combe and   
me4 ,he caused me to be attended1 at his
 own expense1 as far as ,turin1 giving  
me a gentleman and one of his           
ecclesiastics to accompany me4  ,as soon
 as the resolution was taken that       
,father ,la ,combe should accompany me1 
,father ,la ,mothe reported everywhere  
that he had been obliged to do it1 to   
make him return into ,france4 ,he       
expatiated on the attachment ,i had for 
,father ,la ,combe1 pretending to pity  
me4 ,upon this everyone said that ,i    
ought to put myself under the direction 
of ,father ,la ,mothe4 ,in the meantime 
he deceitfully palliated the malignity  
of his heart1 writing letters full of   
esteem to ,father ,la ,combe1 and some  
to me of tenderness1 desiring him to    
bring his dear sister1 and to serve her 
in her infirmities1 and in the hardships
 of so long a journey2 that he should be
 sensibly obliged to him for his care2  

with many other things of the like      
nature4  ,i could not resolve to depart 
without going to see my good friend1 the
 ,marchioness of ,prunai1               
notwithstanding the difficulty of the   
roads4 ,i caused myself to be carried1  
it being scarcely possible to go        
otherwise on account of the mountains4  
,she was extremely joyful at seeing me  
arrive4 ,nothing could be more cordial  
than what passed between us4 ,it was    
then that she acknowledged that all ,i  
had told her had come to pass4 ,a good  
ecclesiastic1 who lives with her1 told  
me the same4 ,we made ointments and     
plasters together1 and ,i gave her the  
secret of my remedies1 ,i encouraged    
her1 and so did ,father ,la ,combe1 to  
establish an hospital in that place2    
which was done while we were there4 ,i  
contributed my mite to it which has ever
 been blest to all the hospitals1 which 
have ever been established in reliance  
on ,providence4  ,i believe ,i had      
forgotten to tell1 that the ,lord had   

made use of me to establish one near    
,grenoble1 which subsists without any   
other fund than the supplies of         
,providence4 ,my enemies made use of    
that afterward to slander me1 saying    
that ,i had wasted my children's        
substance in establishing hospitals1    
though1 far from spending any of their  
substance1 ,i had even given them my    
own4 ,all those hospitals have been     
established only on the fund of divine  
,providence1 which is inexhaustible4    
,but so it has been ordered for my good1
 that all our ,lord has made me to do   
,his glory has ever been turned into    
crosses for me4  ,as soon as it was     
determined that ,i should come into     
,france1 the ,lord made known to me1    
that it was to have greater crosses than
 ,i ever had4 ,father ,la ,combe had the
 like sense4 ,he encouraged me to resign
 myself to the divine will1 and to      
become a victim offered freely to new   
sacrifices4 ,he also wrote to me1 ,will 
it not be a thing very glorious to ,god1

 if ,he should make us serve in that    
great city1 for a spectacle to angels   
and to men8 ,i set off then with a      
spirit of sacrifice1 to offer myself up 
to new kinds of punishments1 if pleasing
 to my dear ,lord4 ,all along the road  
something within me repeated the very   
words of ,st4 ,paul1 ,i go bound in the 
,spirit unto ,jerusalem1 not knowing the
 things should befall me there1 save    
that the ,holy ,ghost witnesseth1 saying
 that bonds and afflictions abide me4   
,but none of these things move me2      
neither count ,i my life dear unto      
myself1 so that ,i might finish my      
course with joy4 7,acts #bj3bb1 #bc1    
#bd47 ,i could not forbear to testify it
 to my most intimate friends1 who tried 
hard to prevail on me to stop1 and not  
to proceed4 ,they were all willing to   
contribute a share of what they had1 for
 my settlement there1 and to prevent my 
coming to ,paris4 ,but ,i found it my   
duty to hold on my way1 and to sacrifice
 myself for ,him who first sacrificed   

,himself for me4  ,at ,chamberry we saw 
,father ,la ,mothe1 who was going to the
 election of a ,father-general4 ,though 
he affected an appearance of friendship1
 it was not difficult to discover that  
his thoughts were different from his    
words1 and that he conceived dark       
designs against us4 ,i speak not of his 
intentions1 but to obey the command     
given me to omit nothing4 ,i shall      
necessarily be obliged often to speak of
 him4 ,i could wish with all my heart it
 were in my power to suppress what ,i   
have to say of him4 ,if what he has done
 respected only myself1 ,i would        
willingly bury all2 but ,i think ,i owe 
it to the truth1 and to the innocence of
 ,father ,la ,combe1 so cruelly         
oppressed1 and grievously crushed so    
long1 by wicked calumnies1 by an        
imprisonment of several years1 which in 
all probability will last as long as    
life4 ,though ,father ,la ,mothe may    
appear heavily charged in what ,i say of
 him1 ,i protest solemnly1 and in the   

presence of ,god1 that ,i pass over in  
silence many of his bad actions4        
,,chapter #ai   ,scarcely had ,i arrived
 at ,paris1 when ,i readily discovered  
the black designs entertained against   
both ,father ,la ,combe and me4 ,father 
,la ,mothe who conducted the whole      
tragedy1 artfully dissembled1 according 
to his custom2 flattering me to my face1
 while he was aiming the keenest wounds 
behind my back4 ,he and his confederates
 wanted1 for their own interest1 to     
persuade me to go to ,montargis 7my     
native place71 hoping1 thereby1 to get  
the guardianship of my children1 and to 
dispose of both my person and effects4  
,all the persecutions from ,father ,la  
,mothe and my family have been attended 
on their part with views of interest2   
those against ,father ,la ,combe have   
sprung from rage and revenge1 because   
he1 as my director1 did not oblige me to
 do what they wanted2 as well as out of 
jealousy4 ,i might enter into a long    
detail on this1 sufficient to convince  

all the world2 but ,i suppress1 to avoid
 prolixity4 ,i shall only say1 that they
 threatened to deprive me of what little
 ,i had reserved to myself4 ,to this ,i 
only replied that ,i would not go to    
law1 that if they were resolved to take 
from me little ,i have left 7little     
indeed in comparison of what ,i had     
given up7 ,i would surrender it entirely
 to them2 being quite free and willing  
not only to be poor1 but to be even in  
the very extremity of want in imitation 
of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ4  ,i arrived
 at ,paris on ,magdalene's eve1 #afhf1  
exactly five years after my departure   
from that city4 ,after ,father ,la      
,combe arrived1 he was soon followed and
 much applauded4 ,i perceived some      
jealously in ,father ,la ,mothe         
hereupon1 but did not think that matters
 would be carried so far as they have   
been4 ,the greater part of the          
,barnabites of ,paris1 and its          
neighborhood1 joined against ,father ,la
 ,combe1 induced from several causes    

that particularly related to their      
order4 ,but all their calumnies and evil
 attempts were overthrown by the        
unaffected piety he manifested1 and the 
good which multitudes reaped from his   
labors4  ,i had deposited a little sum  
of money in his hands 7with the consent 
of his superior7 to serve for the       
entrance of a nun4 ,i thought myself    
obliged in conscience to do it4 ,she    
had1 through my means1 quitted the ,new 
,catholics4 ,it was that young woman    
whom ,i mentioned before1 whom the      
priest of ,gex wanted to win over4 ,as  
she is beautiful1 though very prudent1  
there always continues a cause for fear1
 when such an one is exposed in the     
world4 ,la ,mothe wanted to have that   
money1 and signified to ,la ,combe that1
 if he did not make me give it to him   
for a wall1 which he had to rebuild in  
his convent1 he would make him suffer   
for it4 ,but the latter1 who is always  
upright1 answered that he could not in  
conscience advise me to do anything     

else1 but what ,i had already resolved1 
in favour of that young woman4 ,hence he
 and the provincial ardently longed to  
satisfy their desire of revenge4 ,they  
employed all their thoughts on the means
 of effecting it4  ,a very wicked man   
who was employed for that purpose1 wrote
 defamatory libels1 declaring that the  
propositions of ,molinos1 which had been
 current for two year past in ,france1  
were the sentiments of ,father ,la      
,combe4 ,these libels were spread about 
in the community4 ,father ,la ,mothe and
 the provincial1 acting as persons well 
affected to the church1 carried them to 
the official1 or judge of the           
ecclesiastical court1 who joined in the 
dark design4 ,they showed them to the   
,archbishop1 saying1 ,it was out of     
their zeal1 and that they were          
exceedingly sorry that one of their     
fraternity was an heretic1 and as such  
execrable4 ,they also brought me in1 but
 more moderately1 saying ,father ,la    
,combe was almost always at my house1   

which was false4 ,i could scarcely see  
him at all except at the confessional1  
and then for a very short time4 ,several
 other things equally false they        
liberally gave out concerning both of   
us4  ,they bethought themselves of one  
thing further likely to favor their     
scheme4 ,they knew ,i had been at       
,marseilles1 and thought they had a good
 foundation for a fresh calumny4 ,they  
counterfeited a letter from a person at 
,marseilles 7,i heard it was from the   
,bishop7 addressed to the ,archbishop of
 ,paris1 or to his official1 in which   
they wrote the most abominable scandal4 
,father ,la ,mothe came to try to draw  
me into his snare1 and to make me say1  
in the presence of the people whom he   
had brought1 that ,i had been at        
,marseilles with ,father ,la ,combe4    
,there are1 said he1 shocking accounts  
against you1 sent by the ,bishop of     
,marseilles4 ,you have there fallen into
 great scandal with ,father ,la ,combe4 
,there are good witnesses of it4 ,i     

replied with a smile1 ,the calumny is   
well devised2 but it would have been    
proper to know first whether ,father ,la
 ,combe had been at ,marseilles1 for ,i 
do not believe he was ever there in his 
life4 ,while ,i was there1 ,father ,la  
,combe was laboring at ,verceil4 ,he was
 confounded and went off1 saying1 ,there
 are witnesses of its being true4 ,he   
went immediately to ask ,father ,la     
,combe if he had not been at            
,marseilles4 ,he assured him he never   
had been there4 ,they were struck with  
disappointment4 ,they then gave out that
 it was not ,marseilles but ,seisel4    
,now this ,seisel is a place ,i have    
never been at1 and there is no bishop   
there4  ,every imaginable device was    
used to terrify me by threats1 forged   
letters1 and by memorials drawn up      
against me1 accusing me of teaching     
erroneous doctrines1 and of living a bad
 life and urging me to flee the country 
to escape the consequences of exposure4 
,failing in all these1 at length ,la    

,mothe took off the mask1 and said to me
 in the church1 before ,la ,combe1 ,it  
is now1 my sister1 that you must think  
of fleeing1 you are charged with crimes 
of a deep dye4 ,i was not moved in the  
least1 but replied with my usual        
tranquillity1 ,if ,i am guilty of such  
crimes ,i cannot be too severely        
punished2 wherefore ,i will not flee or 
go out of the way4 ,i have made an open 
profession of dedicating myself to ,god 
entirely4 ,if ,i have done things       
offensive to ,him1 whom ,i would wish   
both to love1 and to cause to be loved  
by the whole world1 even at the expense 
of my life1 ,i ought by my punishment to
 be made an example to the world2 but if
 ,i am innocent1 for me to flee is not  
the way for my innocence to be believed4
  ,similar attempts were made to ruin   
,father ,la ,combe4 ,he was grossly     
misrepresented to the king1 and an order
 procured for his arrest and            
imprisonment in the ,bastile4  ,although
 on his trial he appeared quite         

innocent1 and they could not find       
anything whereupon to ground a          
condemnation1 yet they made the king    
believe he was a dangerous man in the   
article of religion4 ,he was then shut  
up in a certain fortress of the ,bastile
 for life2 but as his enemies heard that
 the captain in that fortress esteemed  
him1 and treated him kindly1 they had   
him removed into a much worse place4    
,god1 who beholds everything1 will      
reward every man according to his works4
 ,i know by an interior communication   
that he is very well content1 and fully 
resigned to ,god4  ,la ,mothe now       
endeavored more than ever to induce me  
to flee1 assuring me that1 if ,i went to
 ,montargis1 ,i should be out of all    
trouble2 but that if ,i did not1 ,i     
should pay for it4 ,he insisted on my   
taking himself for my director1 to which
 ,i could not agree4 ,he decried me     
wherever he went1 and wrote to his      
brethren to do the same4 ,they sent me  
very abusive letters1 assuring me that1 

if ,i did not put myself under his      
direction1 ,i was undone4 ,i have the   
letters by me still4 ,one father desired
 me in this case to make a virtue of    
necessity4 ,nay1 some advised me to     
pretend to put myself under his         
direction1 and to deceive him4 ,i       
abhorred the thought of deceit4 ,i bore 
everything with the greatest            
tranquillity1 without taking any care to
 justify or defend myself1 leaving it   
entirely to ,god to order as he should  
please about me4 ,herein he was         
graciously pleased to increase the peace
 of my soul1 while every one seemed to  
cry against me1 and to look on me as an 
infamous creature1 except those few who 
knew me well by a near union of spirit4 
,at church ,i heard people behind me    
exclaim against me1 and even some       
priests say it was necessary to cast me 
out of the church4 ,i left myself to    
,god without reserve1 being quite ready 
to endure the most rigorous pains and   
tortures1 if such were ,his will4  ,i   

never made any solicitation either for  
,father ,la ,combe or myself1 though    
charged with that among other things4   
,willing to owe everything to ,god1 ,i  
have no dependence on any creature4 ,i  
would not have it said that any but ,god
 had made ,abraham rich4 ,gen4 #ad3bc4  
,to lose all for ,him is my best gain2  
and to gain all without ,him would be my
 worst loss4 ,although at this time so  
general an outcry was raised against me1
 ,god did not fail to make use of me to 
gain many souls to ,himself4 ,the more  
persecution raged against me the more   
children were given me1 on whom the     
,lord conferred great favors through    
,his handmaid4  ,one must not judge of  
the servants of ,god by what their      
enemies say of them1 nor by their being 
oppressed under calumnies without any   
resource4 ,jesus ,christ expired under  
pangs4 ,god uses the like conduct toward
 ,his dearest servants1 to render them  
conformable to ,his ,son1 in whom ,he is
 always well pleased4 ,but few place    

that conformity where it ought to be4   
,it is not in voluntary pains or        
austerities1 but in those which are     
suffered in a submission ever equal to  
the will of ,god1 in a renunciation of  
our whole selves1 to the end that ,god  
may be our all in all1 conducting us    
according to ,his views1 and not our    
own1 which are generally opposite to    
,his4 ,all perfection consists in this  
entire conformity with ,jesus ,christ1  
not in shining things which men esteem4 
,it will only be seen in eternity who   
are the true friends of ,god4 ,nothing  
pleases ,him but ,jesus ,christ1 and    
that which bears ,his mark or character4
  ,they were continually pressing me to 
flee1 though the ,archbishop had spoken 
to myself1 and bidden me not to leave   
,paris4 ,but they wanted to give the    
appearance of criminality both to me and
 to ,father ,la ,combe by my flight4    
,they knew not how to make me fall into 
the hands of the official4 ,if they     
accused me of crimes1 it must be before 

other judges4 ,any other judge would    
have seen my innocence2 the false       
witnesses would have run the risk of    
suffering for it4 ,they continually     
spread stories of horrible crimes2 but  
the official assured me that he had     
heard no mention of any4 ,he was afraid 
lest ,i should retire out of his        
jurisdiction4 ,they then made the king  
believe that ,i was an heretic1 that ,i 
carried on a literary correspondence    
with ,molinos 7,i1 who never knew there 
was a ,molinos in the world1 till the   
,gazette had told me of it7 that ,i had 
written a dangerous book2 and that on   
those accounts it would be necessary to 
issue an order to put me in a convent1  
that they might examine me4 ,i was a    
dangerous person1 it would be proper for
 me to be locked up1 to be allowed no   
commerce with any one2 since ,i         
continually held assemblies1 which was  
very false4 ,to support this calumny my 
handwriting was counterfeited1 and a    
letter was forged as from me1 importing1

 that ,i had great designs1 but feared  
that they would prove abortive1 through 
the imprisonment of ,father ,la ,combe1 
for which reason ,i had left off holding
 assemblies at my house1 being too      
closely watched2 but that ,i would hold 
them at the houses of other persons4    
,this forged letter they showed the     
king1 and upon it an order was given for
 my imprisonment4  ,this order would    
have been put in execution two months   
sooner than it was1 had ,i not fallen   
very sick4 ,i had inconceivable pains   
and a fever4 ,some thought that ,i had a
 gathering in my head4 ,the pain ,i     
suffered for five weeks made me         
delirious4 ,i had also a pain in my     
breast and a violent cough4 ,twice ,i   
received the holy sacrament1 as ,i was  
thought to be expiring4 ,one of my      
friends had acquainted ,father ,la      
,mothe1 7not knowing him to have had any
 hand in ,f4 ,la ,combe's imprisonment7 
that she had sent me a certificate from 
the inquisition in ,father ,la ,combe's 

favor1 having heard that his own was    
lost4 ,this answered a very good        
purpose2 for they had made the king     
believe that he had run away from the   
inquisition2 but this showed the        
contrary4  ,father ,la ,mothe then came 
to me1 when ,i was in excessive pain1   
counterfeiting all the affection and    
tenderness in his power1 and telling me 
that the affair of ,father ,la ,combe   
was going on very well1 that he was just
 ready to come out of prison with honor1
 that he was very glad of it4 ,if he had
 only this certificate1 he would soon be
 delivered4 ,give me it then1 said he1  
and he will be immediately released4 ,at
 first ,i made a difficulty of doing it4
 ,what6 said he1 will you be the cause  
of ruining poor ,father ,la ,combe1     
having it in your power to save him1 and
 cause us that affliction1 for want of  
what you have in your hands4 ,i yielded1
 ordering it to be brought and given    
him4 ,but he suppressed it1 and gave out
 that it was lost4 ,it never could be   

got from him again4 ,the ,ambassador    
from the ,court of ,turin sent a        
messenger to me for this certificate1   
designing the proper use of it to serve 
,father ,la ,combe4 ,i referred him to  
,father ,la ,mothe4 ,the messenger went 
to him and asked him for it4 ,he denied 
,i had given it to him1 saying1 ,her    
brain is disordered which makes her     
imagine it4 ,the man came back to me and
 told me his answer4 ,the persons in my 
chamber bore witness that ,i had given  
it to him4 ,yet all signified nothing2  
it could not be got out of his hands2   
but on the contrary1 he insulted me1 and
 caused others also to do it1 though ,i 
was so weak that ,i seemed to be at the 
very gates of death4  ,they told me they
 only waited for my recovery to cast me 
into prison4 ,he made his brethren      
believe that ,i had treated him ill4    
,they wrote to me that it was for my    
crimes that ,i suffered and that ,i     
should put myself under the control of  
,father ,la ,mothe1 otherwise ,i should 

repent it2 that ,i was mad and ought to 
be bound2 and was a monster of pride1   
since ,i would not suffer myself to be  
conducted by ,father ,la ,mothe4 ,such  
was my daily feast in the extremity of  
my pain2 deserted of my friends1 and    
oppressed by my enemies2 the former     
being ashamed of me1 through the        
calumnies which were forged and         
industriously spread2 the latter let    
loose to persecute me2 under all which  
,i kept silence1 leaving myself to the  
,lord4  ,there was not any kind of      
infamy1 error1 sorcery1 or sacrilege1 of
 which they did not accuse me4 ,as soon 
as ,i was able to be carried to the     
church in a chair1 ,i was told ,i must  
speak to the prebend4 7,it was a snare  
concerted between ,father ,la ,mothe and
 the ,canon at whose house ,i lodged74  
,i spoke to him with much simplicity and
 he approved of what ,i said4 ,yet1 two 
days after they gave out that ,i had    
uttered many things1 and accused many   
persons2 and from hence they procured   

the banishment of sundry persons with   
whom they were displeased1 persons whom 
,i had never seen or of whom ,i never   
heard4 ,they were men of honor4 ,one of 
them was banished1 because he said my   
little book is a good one4 ,it is       
remarkable that they say nothing to     
those who prefixed their approbations1  
and that1 far from condemning the book1 
it has been reprinted since ,i have been
 in prison1 and advertisements of it    
have been posted up at the ,archbishop's
 palace1 and all over ,paris4 ,in regard
 to others1 when they find faults in    
their books1 they condemn the books and 
leave the person at liberty2 but as for 
me1 my book is approved1 sold and       
spread1 while ,i am kept a prisoner for 
it4  ,the same day that those gentlemen 
were banished1 ,i received a letter de  
cachet1 or sealed order to repair to the
 ,convent of the ,visitation of ,st4    
,mary's1 in a suburb of ,st4 ,antoine4  
,i received it with a tranquillity which
 surprised the bearer exceedingly4 ,he  

could not forbear expressing it1 having 
seen the extreme sorrow of those who    
were only banished4 ,he was so touched  
with it as to shed tears4 ,and although 
his order was to carry me off directly1 
he was not afraid to trust me1 but left 
me all the day1 desiring me to repair to
 ,st4 ,mary's in the evening4 ,on that  
day many of my friends came to see me1  
and found me very cheerful1 which       
surprised such of them as knew my case4 
,i could not stand1 ,i was so weak1     
having the fever every night1 it being  
only a fortnight since ,i was thought to
 be expiring4 ,i imagined they would    
leave me my daughter and maid to serve  
me4     ,,chapter #bj   ,on ,january    
#bi1 #afhh1 ,i went to ,st4 ,mary's4    
,there they let me know ,i must neither 
have my daughter nor a maid to serve me1
 but must be locked up alone in a       
chamber4 ,indeed it touched me to my    
heart when my daughter was taken from   
me4 ,they would neither allow her to be 
in that house1 nor anybody to bring me  

any news of her4 ,i was then obliged to 
sacrifice my daughter1 as if she were   
mine no longer4 ,the people of the house
 were prepossessed with so frightful an 
account of me1 that they looked at me   
with horror4 ,for my jailer they singled
 out a nun1 who1 they thought1 would    
treat me with the greatest rigor1 and   
they were not mistaken therein4  ,they  
asked me who was now my confessor4 ,i   
named him2 but he was seized with such a
 fright that he denied it2 though ,i    
could have produced many persons who had
 seen me at his confessional4 ,so then  
they said they had caught me in a lie2  
,i was not to be trusted4 ,my           
acquaintance then said they knew me not1
 and others were at liberty to invent   
stories1 and say all manner of evil of  
me4 ,the woman1 appointed for my keeper1
 was gained over by my enemies1 to      
torment me as an heretic1 an enthusiast1
 one crackbrained and an hypocrite4 ,god
 alone knows what she made me suffer4   
,as she sought to surprise me in my     

words1 ,i watched them1 to be more exact
 in them2 but ,i fared the worse for it4
 ,i made more slips and gave her more   
advantages over me thereby1 beside the  
trouble in my own mind for it4 ,i then  
left myself as ,i was1 and resolved1    
though this woman would bring me to the 
scaffold1 by the false reports she was  
continually carrying to the prioress1   
that ,i would simply resign myself to my
 lot2 so ,i re-entered into my former   
condition4  ,monsieur ,charon the       
,official1 and a ,doctor of ,sorbonne1  
came four times to examine me4 ,our     
,lord did me the favor which ,he        
promised to ,his apostles1 to make me   
answer much better than if ,i had       
studied4 ,luke #ba3ad1 #ae4 ,they said  
to me1 if ,i had explained myself1 as ,i
 now did1 in the book entitled1 ,short  
and ,easy ,method of ,prayer1 ,i would  
not now have been here4 ,my last        
examination was about a counterfeit     
letter1 which they read and let me see4 
,i told them the hand was no way like   

mine4 ,they said it was only a copy2    
they had the original at home4 ,i       
desired a sight of it1 but could not    
obtain it4 ,i told them ,i never wrote  
it1 nor did ,i know the person to whom  
it was addressed2 but they took scarcely
 any notice of what ,i said4  ,after    
this letter was read1 the official      
turned to me and said1 ,you see1 madam1 
that after such a letter there was      
foundation enough for imprisoning you4  
,yes1 sir1 said ,i1 if ,i had written   
it4 ,i showed them its falsehoods and   
inconsistencies1 but all in vain4 ,i was
 left two months1 and treated worse and 
worse1 before either of them came again 
to see me4 ,till then ,i had always some
 hope that1 seeing my innocence1 they   
would do me justice2 but now ,i saw that
 they did not want to find me innocent1 
but to make me appear guilty4  ,the     
official alone came the next time1 and  
told me1 ,i must speak no more of the   
false letter2 that it was nothing4 ,how 
nothing1 said ,i1 to counterfeit a      

person's writing1 and to make one appear
 an enemy to the ,state6 ,he replied1   
,we will seek out the author of it4 ,the
 author1 said ,i1 is no other than the  
,scrivener ,gautier4 ,he then demanded  
where the papers were which ,i wrote on 
the ,scriptures4 ,i told him1 ,i would  
give them up when ,i should be out of   
prison2 but was not willing to tell with
 whom ,i had lodged them4  ,about three 
or four days before ,easter he came     
again1 with the doctor1 and a verbal    
process was drawn up against me for     
rebelling1 in not giving up papers4     
,copies of my writings were then put    
into their hands2 for ,i had not the    
originals4 ,i know not where those who  
got them from me have put them2 but ,i  
am firm in the faith that they will all 
be preserved1 in spite of the storm4    
,the prioress asked the official how my 
affair went4 ,he said1 very well1 and   
that ,i should soon be discharged2 this 
became the common talk2 but ,i had a    
presentiment of the contrary4  ,i had an

 inexpressible satisfaction and joy in  
suffering1 and being a prisoner4 ,the   
confinement of my body made me better   
relish the freedom of my mind4 ,st4     
,joseph's day was to me a memorable day2
 for then my state had more of ,heaven  
than of earth beyond what any expression
 can reach4 ,this was followed1 as it   
were1 with a suspension of every favor  
then enjoyed1 a dispensation of new     
sufferings4 ,i was obliged to sacrifice 
myself anew1 and to drink the very dregs
 of the bitter draught4  ,i never had   
any resentment against my persecutors1  
though ,i well knew them1 their spirit  
and their actions4 ,jesus ,christ and   
the saints saw their persecutors1 and at
 the same time saw that they could have 
no power except it were given them from 
above4 ,john #ai3aa4  ,loving the       
strokes which ,god gives1 one cannot    
hate the hand which ,he makes use of to 
strike with4  ,a few days after1 the    
official came1 and told me he gave me   
the liberty of the cloister1 that is1 to

 go and come in the house4 ,they were   
now very industrious in urging my       
daughter to consent to a marriage1 which
 had it taken place1 would have been her
 ruin4 ,to succeed herein1 they had     
placed her with a relation of the       
gentleman whom they wanted her to marry4
 ,all my confidence was in ,god1 that   
,he would not permit it to be           
accomplished1 as the man had no tincture
 of ,christianity1 being abandoned both 
in his principles and morals4  ,to      
induce me to give up my daughter they   
promised me an immediate release from   
prison and from every charge under which
 ,i labored4 ,but if ,i refused1 they   
threatened me with imprisonment for life
 and with death on the scaffold4 ,in    
spite of all their promises and         
threatenings1 ,i persistently refused4  
,soon after1 the official and doctor    
came to tell the prioress ,i must be    
closely locked up4 ,she represented to  
them that the chamber ,i was in1 was    
small1 having an opening to the light or

 air1 only on one side1 through which   
the sun shone all the day long1 and     
being the month of ,july1 it must soon  
cause my death4 ,they paid no regard4   
,she asked why ,i must be thus closely  
locked up4 ,they said ,i had committed  
horrible things in her house1 even      
within the last month1 and had          
scandalized the nuns4 ,she protested the
 contrary1 and assured them the whole   
community had received great edification
 from me1 and could not but admire my   
patience and moderation4 ,but it was all
 in vain4 ,the poor woman could not     
refrain from tears1 at a statement so   
remote from the truth4  ,they then sent 
for me1 and told me ,i had done base    
things in the last month4 ,i asked what 
things8 ,they would not tell me4 ,i said
 then that ,i would suffer as long and  
as much as it should please ,god2 that  
this affair was begun on forgeries      
against me1 and so continued4 ,that ,god
 was witness of everything4 ,the doctor 
told me1 that to take ,god for a witness

 in such a thing was a crime4 ,i replied
 nothing in the world could hinder me   
from having recourse to ,god4 ,i was    
then shut up more closely than at first1
 until ,i was absolutely at the point of
 death1 being thrown into a violent     
fever1 and almost stifled with the      
closeness of the place1 and not         
permitted to have any assistance4  ,in  
the time of the ancient law1 there were 
several of the ,lord's martyrs who      
suffered for asserting and trusting in  
the one true ,god4 ,in the primitive    
church of ,christ the martyrs shed their
 blood1 for maintaining the truth of    
,jesus ,christ crucified4 ,now there are
 martyrs of the ,holy ,ghost1 who suffer
 for their dependence on ,him1 for      
maintaining ,his reign in souls and for 
being victims of the ,divine will4  ,it 
is this ,spirit which is to be poured   
out on all flesh1 as saith the prophet  
,joel4 ,the martyrs of ,jesus ,christ   
have been glorious martyrs1 ,he having  
drunk up the confusion of that          

martyrdom2 but the martyrs of the ,holy 
,spirit are martyrs of reproach and     
ignominy4 ,the ,devil no more exercises 
his power against their faith or belief1
 but directly attacks the dominion of   
the ,holy ,spirit1 opposing ,his        
celestial motion in souls1 and          
discharging his hatred on the bodies of 
those whose minds he cannot hurt4 ,oh1  
,holy ,spirit1 a ,spirit of love1 let me
 ever be subjected to ,thy will1 and1 as
 a leaf is moved before the wind1 so let
 me be moved by ,thy ,divine breath4 ,as
 the impetuous wind breaks all that     
resists it1 so break thou all that      
opposes ,thy empire4  ,although ,i have 
been obliged to describe the procedure  
of those who persecute me1 ,i have not  
done it out of resentment1 since ,i love
 them at my heart1 and pray for them1   
leaving to ,god the care of defending   
me1 and delivering me out of their      
hands1 without making any movement of my
 own for it4 ,i have apprehended and    
believed that ,god would have me write  

everything sincerely1 that ,his name may
 be glorified2 that the things done in  
secret against ,his servants should one 
day be published on the housetops2 for  
the more they strive to conceal them    
from the eyes of men1 the more will ,god
 in ,his own time make them all         
manifest4  ,august #bb1 #afhh1 it was   
thought ,i was about coming out of      
prison1 and everything seemed to tend   
toward it4 ,but the ,lord gave me a     
sense that1 far from being willing to   
deliver me they were only laying new    
snares to ruin me more effectually1 and 
to make ,father ,la ,mothe known to the 
king1 and esteemed by him4 ,on the day  
mentioned1 which was my birthday1 being 
forty years of age1 ,i awaked under an  
impression of ,jesus ,christ in an      
agony1 seeing the counsel of the ,jews  
against ,him4 ,i knew that none but ,god
 could deliver me out of prison1 and ,i 
was satisfied that ,he would do it one  
day by ,his own right hand1 though      
ignorant of the manner1 and leaving it  

wholly to ,himself4  ,in the order of   
,divine ,providence my case was laid    
before ,madame de ,maintenon1 who became
 deeply interested in the account given 
her of my sufferings1 and at length     
procured my release4 ,a few days        
afterward ,i had my first interview with
 the ,abbe ,fenelon4  ,coming out of    
,st4 ,mary's ,i retired into the        
community of ,mad4 ,miramion1 where ,i  
kept my bed of a fever three months1 and
 had an imposthume in my eye4 ,yet at   
this time ,i was accused of going       
continually out1 holding suspected      
assemblies1 together with other         
groundless falsehoods4 ,in this house my
 daughter was married to ,mons4 ,l4     
,nicholas ,fouquet1 ,count de ,vaux4 ,i 
removed to my daughter's house1 and on  
account of her extreme youth1 lived with
 her two years and an half4 ,even there 
my enemies were ever forging one thing  
after another against me1 ,i then wanted
 to retire quite secretly1 to the house 
of the ,benedictines at ,montargis1 7my 

native place7 but it was discovered1 and
 both friends and enemies jointly       
prevented it4  ,the family in which my  
daughter was married being of the number
 of ,abbe ,fenelon's friends1 ,i had the
 opportunity of often seeing him at our 
house4 ,we had some conversations on the
 subject of a spiritual life1 in which  
he made several objections to my        
experiences therein4 ,i answered them   
with my usual simplicity1 which1 as ,i  
found1 gained upon him4 ,as the affair  
of ,molinos at that time made a great   
noise1 the plainest things were         
distrusted1 and the terms used by mystic
 writers exploded4 ,but ,i so clearly   
expounded everything to him1 and so     
fully solved all his objections1 that no
 one more fully imbibed my sentiments   
than he2 which has since laid the       
foundation of that persecution he has   
suffered4 ,his answers to the ,bishop of
 ,meaux evidently show this to all who  
have read them4  ,i now took a little   
private house1 to follow the inclination

 ,i had for retirement2 where ,i        
sometimes had the pleasure of seeing my 
family and a few particular friends4    
,certain young ladies of ,st4 ,cyr1     
having informed ,mad4 ,maintenon1 that  
they found in my conversation something 
which attracted them to ,god1 she       
encouraged me to continue my            
instructions to them4 ,by the fine      
change in some of them with whom before 
she had not been well pleased1 she found
 she had no reason to repent of it4 ,she
 then treated me with much respect2 and 
for three years after1 while this       
lasted1 ,i received from her every mark 
of esteem and confidence4 ,but that very
 thing afterward drew on me the most    
severe persecution4 ,the free entrance  
,i had into the house1 and the          
confidence which some young ladies of   
the ,court1 distinguished for their rank
 and piety1 placed in me1 gave no small 
uneasines to the people who had         
persecuted me4 ,the directors took      
umbrage at it1 and under pretext of the 

troubles ,i had some years before1 they 
engaged the ,bishop of ,chartres1       
,superior of ,st4 ,cyr1 to present to   
,mad4 ,maintenon that1 by my particular 
conduct1 ,i troubled the order of the   
house2 that the young women in it were  
so attached to me1 and to what ,i said  
to them1 that they no longer hearkened  
to their superiors4 ,i then went no more
 to ,st4 ,cyr4 ,i answered the young    
ladies who wrote to me1 only by letters 
unsealed1 which passed through the hands
 of ,mad4 ,maintenon4  ,soon after ,i   
fell sick4 ,the physicians1 after trying
 in vain the usual method of cure1      
ordered me to repair to the waters of   
,bourbon4 ,my servant had been induced  
to give me some poison4 ,after taking   
it1 ,i suffered such exquisite pains    
that1 without speedy succor1 ,i should  
have died in a few hours4 ,the man      
immediately ran away1 and ,i have never 
seen him since4 ,when ,i was at         
,bourbon1 the waters which ,i threw up  
burned like spirits of wine4 ,i had no  

thought of being poisoned1 till the     
physicians of ,bourbon assured me of it4
 ,the waters had but little effect4 ,i  
suffered from it for above seven years4 
,god kept me in such a disposition of   
sacrifice1 that ,i was quite resigned to
 suffer everything1 and to receive from 
,his hand all that might befall me1     
since for me to offer in any way to     
vindicate myself1 would be only beating 
the air4 ,when the ,lord is willing to  
make any one suffer1 ,he permits even   
the most virtuous people to be readily  
blinded toward them2 and ,i may confess 
that the persecution of the wicked is   
but little1 when compared with that of  
the servants of the church1 deceived and
 animated with a zeal which they think  
right4 ,many of these were now1 by the  
artifices made use of1 greatly imposed  
on in regard to me4 ,i was represented  
to them in an odious light1 as a strange
 creature4 ,since1 therefore1 ,i must1  
,o my ,lord1 be conformable to ,thee1 to
 please ,thee2 ,i set more value on my  

humiliation1 and on seeing myself       
condemned of everybody1 than if ,i saw  
myself on the summit of honor in the    
world4 ,how often have ,i said1 even in 
the bitterness of my heart1 that ,i     
should be more afraid of one reproach of
 my conscience1 than of the outcry and  
condemnation of all men6     ,,chapter  
#ba   ,at this time ,i had my first     
acquaintance with the ,bishop of ,meaux4
 ,i was introduced by an intimate       
friend1 the ,duke of ,chevreuse4 ,i gave
 him the foregoing history of my life1  
and he confessed1 that he had found     
therein such an unction as he had rarely
 done in other books1 and that he had   
spent three days in reading it1 with an 
impression of the presence of ,god on   
his mind all that time4  ,i proposed to 
the bishop to examine all my writings1  
which he took four or five months to do1
 and then advanced all his objections2  
to which ,i gave answers4 ,from his     
unacquaintance with the interior paths1 
,i could not clear up all the           

difficulties which he found in them4    
,he admitted that looking into the      
ecclesiastical histories for ages past1 
we may see that ,god has sometimes made 
use of laymen1 and of women to instruct1
 edify1 and help souls in their progress
 to perfection4 ,i think one of the     
reasons of ,god's acting thus1 is that  
glory may not be ascribed to any1 but to
 ,himself alone4 ,for this purpose1 ,he 
has chosen the weak things of this      
world1 to confound such as are mighty4  
#a ,cor4 #a3bg4  ,jealous of the        
attributes which men pay to other men1  
which are due only to ,himself1 ,he has 
made a paradox of such persons1 that ,he
 alone may have the glory of ,his own   
works4 ,i pray ,god1 with my whole      
heart1 sooner to crush me utterly1 with 
the most dreadful destruction1 than to  
suffer me to take the least honor to    
myself1 of anything which ,he has been  
pleased to do by me for the good of     
others4 ,i am only a poor nothing4 ,god 
is all-powerful4 ,he delights to        

operate1 and exercise ,his power by mere
 nothings4  ,the first time that ,i     
wrote a history of myself1 it was very  
short4 ,in it ,i had particularized my  
faults and sins1 and said little of the 
favors of ,god4 ,i was ordered to burn  
it1 to write another1 and in it to omit 
nothing anyway remarkable that had      
befallen me4 ,i did it4 ,it is a crime  
to publish secrets of the ,king2 but it 
is a good thing to declare the favors of
 the ,lord our ,god1 and to magnify ,his
 mercies4  ,as the outcry against me    
became more violent1 and ,madame        
,maintenon was moved to declare against 
me1 ,i sent to her through the ,duke of 
,beauvilliers1 requesting the           
appointment of proper persons to examine
 my life and doctrines1 offering to     
retire into any prison until fully      
exculpated4 ,my proposal was rejected4  
,in the meantime1 one of my most        
intimate friends and supporters1 ,mons4 
,fouquet1 was called away by death4 ,i  
felt his loss very deeply1 but rejoiced 

in his felicity4 ,he was a true servant 
of ,god4  ,determined to retire out of  
the way of giving offense to any1 ,i    
wrote to some of my friends1 and bade   
them a last farewell2 not knowing       
whether ,i were to be carried off by the
 indisposition which ,i then had1 which 
had been a constant fever for forty days
 past1 or to recover from it4           
,referring to the ,countess of ,g4 and  
the ,duchess of ,m41 ,i wrote1 ,when    
these ladies and others were in the     
vanities of the world1 when they patched
 and painted1 and some of them were in  
the way to ruin their families by gaming
 and profusion of expense in dress1     
nobody arose to say anything against it2
 they were quietly suffered to do it4   
,but when they have broken off from all 
this1 then they cry out against me1 as  
if ,i had ruined them4 ,had ,i drawn    
them from piety into luxury1 they would 
not make such an outcry4 ,the ,duchess  
of ,m4 at her giving herself up to ,god1
 thought herself obliged to quit the    

court1 which was to her like a dangerous
 rock1 in order to bestow her time on   
the education of her children and the   
care of her family1 which1 till then1   
she had neglected4 ,i beseech you1      
therefore1 to gather all the memorials  
you can against me2 if ,i am found      
guilty of the things they accuse me of1 
,i ought to be punished more than any   
other1 since ,god has brought me to know
 ,him and love ,him1 and ,i am well     
assured that there is no communion      
between ,christ and ,belial4  ,i sent   
them my two little printed books1 with  
my commentaries on the ,holy            
,scriptures4 ,i also1 by their order1   
wrote a work to facilitate their        
examination1 and to spare them as much  
time and trouble as ,i could1 which was 
to collect a great number of passages   
out of approved writers1 which showed   
the conformity of my writings with those
 used by the holy penmen4 ,i caused them
 to be transcribed by the quire1 as ,i  
had written them1 in order to send them 

to the three commissioners4 ,i also1 as 
occasion presented1 cleared up the      
dubious and obscure places4 ,i had      
written them at a time when the affairs 
of ,molinos had not broken out1 ,i used 
the less precaution in expressing my    
thoughts1 not imagining that they would 
ever be turned into an evil sense4 ,this
 work was entitled1 ',,the              
,,justifications4' ,it was composed in  
fifty days1 and appeared to be very     
sufficient to clear up the matter4 ,but 
the ,bishop of ,meaux would never suffer
 it to be read4  ,after all the         
examinations1 and making nothing out    
against me1 who would not have thought  
but they would have left me to rest in  
peace8 ,quite otherwise1 the more my    
innocence appeared1 the more did they1  
who had undertaken to render me         
criminal1 put every spring in motion to 
effect it4 ,i offered the ,bishop of    
,meaux to go to spend some time in any  
community within his diocese1 that he   
might be better acquainted with me4 ,he 

proposed to me that of ,st4 ,mary de    
,meaux1 which ,i accepted2 but in going 
in the depth of winter ,i had like to   
have perished in the snow1 being stopped
 four hours1 the coach having entered   
into it1 and being almost buried in it1 
in a deep hollow4 ,i was taken out at   
the door with one maid4 ,we sat upon the
 snow1 resigned to the mercy of ,god1   
and expected nothing but death4 ,i never
 had more tranquillity of mind1 though  
chilled and soaked with the snow1 which 
melted on us4 ,occasions like these are 
such as show whether we are perfectly   
resigned to ,god or not4 ,this poor girl
 and ,i were easy in our minds1 in a    
state of entire resignation1 though sure
 of dying if we passed the night there1 
and seeing no likelihood of anyone      
coming to our succor4 ,at length some   
waggoners came up1 who with difficulty  
drew us through the snow4  ,the bishop1 
when he heard of it1 was astonished1 and
 had no little self-complacency to think
 that ,i had thus risked my life to obey

 him so punctually4 ,yet afterward he   
denounced it as artifice and hypocrisy4 
,there were times indeed when ,i found  
nature overcharged2 but the love of ,god
 and ,his grace rendered sweet to me the
 very worst of bitters4 ,his invisible  
hand supported me2 else ,i had sunk     
under so many probations4 ,sometimes ,i 
said to myself1 ,all thy waves and thy  
billows are gone over me1 7,psa4 #db3g74
 ,thou hast bent thy bow and set me as a
 mark for the arrow2 thou has caused all
 the arrows of thy quiver to enter into 
my reins 7,lam4 #c3ab1 #ac74 ,it seemed 
to me as if everyone thought he was in  
the right to treat me ill1 and rendered 
service to ,god in doing it4 ,i then    
comprehended that it was the very manner
 in which ,jesus ,christ suffered4 ,he  
was numbered with the transgressors1    
7,mark #ae3bh74 ,he was condemned by the
 sovereign pontiff1 chief priests1      
doctors of the law1 and judges deputed  
by the ,romans1 who valued themselves on
 doing justice4 ,happy they who by      

suffering for the will of ,god under all
 the like circumstances1 have so near a 
relation to the sufferings of ,jesus    
,christ6  ,for six weeks after my       
arrival at ,meaux1 ,i was in a continual
 fever1 nor had ,i recovered from my    
indisposition1 when ,i was waited on by 
the bishop1 who would fain have         
compelled me to give it under my hand1  
that ,i did not believe the ,word       
incarnate1 7or ,christ manifest in the  
flesh74 ,i answered him1 that through   
the grace of ,god1 ,i know how to       
suffer1 even to death1 but not how to   
sign such a falsehood4 ,several of the  
nuns who overheard this conversation1   
and perceiving the sentiments of the    
bishop1 they joined with the ,prioress1 
in giving a testimonial1 not only of my 
good conduct1 but of their belief in the
 soundness of my faith4  ,the bishop    
some days after1 brought me a confession
 of faith1 and a request to submit my   
books to the church1 that ,i may sign   
it1 promising to give me a certificate1 

which he had prepared4 ,on my delivering
 my submission signed1 he1              
notwithstanding his promise1 refused to 
give the certificate4 ,some time after1 
he endeavored to make me sign his       
pastoral letter1 and acknowledge that ,i
 had fallen into those errors1 which he 
there lays to my charge1 and made many  
demands of me of the like absurd and    
unreasonable nature1 threatening me with
 those persecutions ,i afterward        
endured1 in case of non-compliance4     
,however1 ,i continued resolute in      
refusing to put my name to falsehoods4  
,at length1 after ,i had remained about 
six months at ,meaux1 he gave me the    
certificate4 ,finding ,mad4 ,maintenon  
disapproved of the certificate he had   
granted1 he wanted to give me another in
 place of it4 ,my refusal to deliver up 
the first certificate enraged him1 and  
as ,i understood they intended to push  
matters with the utmost violence1 ,i    
thought that although ,i were resigned  
to whatever might fall out1 yet ,i ought

 to take prudent measures to avoid the  
threatening storm4 ,many places of      
retreat were offered me2 but ,i was not 
free in my mind to accept of any1 nor to
 embarrass anybody1 nor involve in      
trouble my friends and my family1 to    
whom they might attribute my escape4 ,i 
took the resolution of continuing in    
,paris1 of living there in some private 
place with my maids1 who were trusty and
 sure1 and to hide myself from the view 
of the world4 ,i continued thus for five
 or six months4 ,i passed the day alone 
in reading1 in praying to ,god1 and in  
working4 ,but the ,december #bg1 #afie1 
,i was arrested1 though exceedingly     
indisposed at that time1 and conducted  
to ,vincennes4 ,i was three days in the 
custody of ,mons4 des ,grez1 who had    
arrested me2 because the king would not 
consent to my being put into prison2    
saying several times over1 that a       
convent was sufficient4 ,they deceived  
him by still stronger calumnies4 ,they  
painted me in his eyes1 in colors so    

black1 that they made him scruple his   
goodness and equity4 ,he then consented 
to my being taken to ,vincennes4  ,i    
shall not speak of that long            
persecution1 which has made so much     
noise1 for a series of ten years        
imprisonments1 in all sorts of prisons1 
and of a banishment almost as long1 and 
not yet ended1 through crosses1         
calumnies1 and all imaginable sorts of  
sufferings4 ,there are facts too odious 
on the part of divers persons1 which    
charity induces me to cover4  ,i have   
borne long and sore languishings1 and   
oppressive and painful maladies without 
relief4 ,i have been also inwardly under
 great desolations for several months1  
in such sort that ,i could only say     
these words1 ,my ,god1 my ,god1 why hast
 thou forsaken me6 ,all creatures seemed
 to be against me4 ,i then put myself on
 the side of ,god1 against myself4      
,perhaps some will be surprised at my   
refusing to give the details of the     
greatest and strongest crosses of my    

life1 after ,i have related those which 
were less4 ,i thought it proper to tell 
something of the crosses of my youth1 to
 show the crucifying conduct which ,god 
held over me4 ,i thought myself obliged 
to relate certain facts1 to manifest    
their falsehood1 the conduct of those by
 whom they had passed1 and the authors  
of those persecutions of which ,i have  
been only the accidental object1 as ,i  
was only persecuted1 in order to involve
 therein persons of great merit2 whom1  
being out of their reach by themselves1 
they1 therefore1 could not personally   
attack1 but by confounding their affairs
 with mine4 ,i thought ,i owed this to  
religion1 piety1 my friends1 my family1 
and myself4  ,while ,i was prisoner at  
,vincennes1 and ,monsieur ,de ,la ,reine
 examined me1 ,i passed my time in great
 peace1 content to pass the rest of my  
life there1 if such were the will of    
,god4 ,i sang songs of joy1 which the   
maid who served me learned by heart1 as 
fast as ,i made them4 ,we together sang 

thy praises1 ,o1 my ,god6 ,the stones of
 my prison looked in my eyes like       
rubies2 ,i esteemed them more than all  
the gaudy brilliancies of a vain world4 
,my heart was full of that joy which    
,thou givest to them who love ,thee1 in 
the midst of their greatest crosses4    
,when things were carried to the        
greatest extremities1 being then in the 
,bastile1 ,i said1 ,o1 my ,god1 if thou 
art pleased to render me a new spectacle
 to men and angels1 ,thy holy will be   
done6  ,,december1 #agji4   ,here she   
left off her narrative1 though she lived
 a retired life above seven years after 
this date4 ,what she had written being  
only done in obedience to the commands  
of her director4 ,she died ,june #i1    
#agag1 at ,blois1 in her seventieth     
year4