,,friendship ,by ,,hugh ,,black ,with an ,introductory ,note by ,w4 ,,robertson ,,nicoll1 ,d4,d4 ,chicago--,new ,york--,toronto ,,fleming ,h4 ,,revell ,,company ,london--,edinburgh ,copyright1 #ahih1 #aijc1 by ,,fleming ,h4 ,,revell ,,company ,to ,,my ,,friend ,,hector ,,munro ,,ferguson ,,and ,,to ,,many ,,other ,,friends ,,who ,,have ,,made ,,life ,,rich ,equidem1 ex omnibus rebus1 quas mihi aut ,fortuna aut ,natura tribuit1 nihil habeo quod cum amicitia ,scipionis possum1 comparare4 ,,cicero4 ,intreat me not to leave thee1 ,and to return from following after thee3 ,for whither thou guest1 ,i will go2 ,and where thou lodgest1 ,i will lodge2 ,thy people shall be my people1 ,and thy ,god my ,god3 ,where thou diest1 will ,i die1 ,and there will ,i be buried3 ,the ,lord do so to me1 and more also1 ,if aught but death part thee and me4 ,,book ,,of ,,ruth4 ,,appreciation ,,by ,,sir ,,wm4 ,,robertson ,,nicoll1 ,d4,d4 ,mr4 ,hugh ,black's wise and charming little book on ,friendship is full of good things winningly expressed1 and1 though very simply written1 is the result of real thought and experience4 ,mr4 ,black's is the art that conceals art4 ,for young men1 especially1 this volume will be a golden possession1 and it can hardly fail to affect their after lives4 ,mr4 ,black says well that the subject of friendship is less thought of among us now than it was in the old world4 ,marriage has come to mean infinitely more4 ,communion with ,god in ,christ has become to multitudes the primal fact of life4 ,nevertheless the need for friendship remains4--,british ,weekly4 ,friendship is to be valued for what there is in it1 not for what can be gotten out of it4 ,when two people appreciate each other because each has found the other convenient to have around1 they are not friends1 they are simply acquaintances with a business understanding4 ,to seek friendship for its utility is as futile as to seek the end of a rainbow for its bag of gold4 ,a true friend is always useful in the highest sense2 but we should beware of thinking of our friends as brother members of a mutual-benefit association1 with its periodical demands and threats of suspension for non-payment of dues4 ,,trumbull4 ,contents ,i ,,the ,,miracle ,,of ,,friendship ,,ii ,,the ,,culture ,,of ,,friendship ,,iii ,,the ,,fruits ,,of ,,friendship ,,iv ,,the ,,choice ,,of ,,friendship ,v ,,the ,,eclipse ,,of ,,friendship ,,vi ,,the ,,wreck ,,of ,,friendship ,,vii ,,the ,,renewing ,,of ,,friendship ,,viii ,,the ,,limits ,,of ,,friendship ,,ix ,,the ,,higher ,,friendship ,the ,miracle of ,friendship ,but1 far away from these1 another sort ,of lovers linkd in true heart's consent2 ,which lovd not as these for like intent1 ,but on chaste virtue grounded their desire1 ,far from all fraud or feignd blandishment2 ,which1 in their spirits kindling zealous fire1 ,brave thoughts and noble deeds did evermore aspire4 ,such were great ,hercules and ,hylas dear1 ,true ,jonathan and ,david trusty tried2 ,stout ,theseus and ,pirithus his fere2 ,pylades and ,orestes by his side2 ,mild ,titus and ,gesippus without pride2 ,damon and ,pythias1 whom death could not sever2 ,all these1 and all that ever had been tied ,in bands of friendship1 there did live forever2 ,whose lives although decay'd1 yet loves decayd never4 ,,spenser1 ,the ,faerie ,queene4 ,the ,miracle of ,friendship ,the idea1 so common in the ancient writers1 is not all a poetic conceit1 that the soul of a man is only a fragment of a larger whole1 and goes out in search of other souls in which it will find its true completion4 ,we walk among worlds unrealized1 until we have learned the secret of love4 ,we know this1 and in our sincerest moments admit this1 even though we are seeking to fill up our lives with other ambitions and other hopes4 ,it is more than a dream of youth that there may be here a satisfaction of the heart1 without which1 and in comparison with which1 all worldly success is failure4 ,in spite of the selfishness which seems to blight all life1 our hearts tell us that there is possible a nobler relationship of disinterestedness and devotion4 ,friendship in its accepted sense is not the highest of the different grades in that relationship1 but it has its place in the kingdom of love1 and through it we bring ourselves into training for a still larger love4 ,the natural man may be self-absorbed and self-centred1 but in a truer sense it is natural for him to give up self and link his life on to others4 ,hence the joy with which he makes the great discovery1 that he is something to another and another is everything to him4 ,it is the higher-natural for which he has hitherto existed4 ,it is a miracle1 but it happens4 ,the cynic may speak of the now obsolete sentiment of friendship1 and he can find much to justify his cynicism4 ,indeed1 on the first blush1 if we look at the relative place the subject holds in ancient as compared with modern literature1 we might say that friendship is a sentiment that is rapidly becoming obsolete4 ,in ,pagan writers friendship takes a much larger place than it now receives4 ,the subject bulks largely in the works of ,plato1 ,aristotle1 ,epictetus1 ,cicero4 ,and among modern writers it gets most importance in the writings of the more ,pagan-spirited1 such as ,montaigne4 ,in all the ancient systems of philosophy1 friendship was treated as an integral part of the system4 ,to the ,stoic it was a blessed occasion for the display of nobility and the native virtues of the human mind4 ,to the ,epicurean it was the most refined of the pleasures which made life worth living4 ,in the ,nicomachean ,ethics1 ,aristotle makes it the culminating point1 and out of ten books gives two to the discussion of ,friendship4 ,he makes it even the link of connection between his treatise on ,ethics and his companion treatise on ,politics4 ,it is to him both the perfection of the individual life1 and the bond that holds states together4 ,friendship is not only a beautiful and noble thing for a man1 but the realization of it is also the ideal for the state2 for if citizens be friends1 then justice1 which is the great concern of all organized societies1 is more than secured4 ,friendship is thus made the flower of ,ethics1 and the root of ,politics4 ,plato also makes friendship the ideal of the state1 where all have common interests and mutual confidence4 ,and apart from its place of prominence in systems of thought1 perhaps a finer list of beautiful sayings about friendship could be culled from ancient writers than from modern4 ,classical mythology also is full of instances of great friendship1 which almost assumed the place of a religion itself4 ,it is not easy to explain why its part in ,christian ethics is so small in comparison4 ,the change is due to an enlarging of the thought and life of man4 ,modern ideals are wider and more impersonal1 just as the modern conception of the state is wider4 ,the ,christian ideal of love even for enemies has swallowed up the narrower ideal of philosophic friendship4 ,then possibly also the instinct finds satisfaction elsewhere in the modern man4 ,for example1 marriage1 in more cases now than ever before1 supplies the need of friendship4 ,men and women are nearer in intellectual pursuits and in common tastes than they have ever been1 and can be in a truer sense companions4 ,and the deepest explanation of all is that the heart of man receives a religious satisfaction impossible before4 ,spiritual communion makes a man less dependent on human intercourse4 ,when the heaven is as brass and makes no sign1 men are thrown back on themselves to eke out their small stores of love4 ,at the same time friendship is not an obsolete sentiment4 ,it is as true now as in ,aristotle's time that no one would care to live without friends1 though he had all other good things4 ,it is still necessary to our life in its largest sense4 ,the danger of sneering at friendship is that it may be discarded or neglected1 not in the interests of a more spiritual affection1 but to minister to a debased cynical self-indulgence4 ,there is possible to-day1 as ever1 a generous friendship which forgets self4 ,the history of the heart-life of man proves this4 ,what records we have of such in the literature of every country6 ,peradventure for a good man men have even dared to die4 ,mankind has been glorified by countless silent heroisms1 by unselfish service1 and sacrificing love4 ,christ1 who always took the highest ground in ,his estimate of men and never once put man's capacity for the noble on a low level1 made the high-water mark of human friendship the standard of ,his own great action1 ,greater love hath no man than this1 that a man lay down his life for his friends4 ,this high-water mark has often been reached4 ,men have given themselves to each other1 with nothing to gain1 with no self-interest to serve1 and with no keeping back part of the price4 ,it is false to history to base life on selfishness1 to leave out of the list of human motives the highest of all4 ,the miracle of friendship has been too often enacted on this dull earth of ours1 to suffer us to doubt either its possibility or its wondrous beauty4 ,the classic instance of ,david and ,jonathan represents the typical friendship4 ,they met1 and at the meeting knew each other to be nearer than kindred4 ,by subtle elective affinity they felt that they belonged to each other4 ,out of all the chaos of the time and the disorder of their lives1 there arose for these two souls a new and beautiful world1 where there reigned peace1 and love1 and sweet content4 ,it was the miracle of the death of self4 ,jonathan forgot his pride1 and ,david his ambition4 ,it was as the smile of ,god which changed the world to them4 ,one of them it saved from the temptations of a squalid court1 and the other from the sourness of an exile's life4 ,jonathan's princely soul had no room for envy or jealousy4 ,david's frank nature rose to meet the magnanimity of his friend4 ,in the kingdom of love there was no disparity between the king's son and the shepherd boy4 ,such a gift as each gave and received is not to be bought or sold4 ,it was the fruit of the innate nobility of both3 it softened and tempered a very trying time for both4 ,jonathan withstood his father's anger to shield his friend3 ,david was patient with ,saul for his son's sake4 ,they agreed to be true to each other in their difficult position4 ,close and tender must have been the bond1 which had such fruit in princely generosity and mutual loyalty of soul4 ,fitting was the beautiful lament1 when ,david's heart was bereaved at tragic ,gilboa1 ,i am distressed for thee1 my brother ,jonathan3 very pleasant hast thou been unto me3 thy love to me was wonderful1 passing the love of women4 ,love is always wonderful1 a new creation1 fair and fresh to every loving soul4 ,it is the miracle of spring to the cold dull earth4 ,when ,montaigne wrote his essay on ,friendship1 he could do little but tell the story of his friend4 ,the essay continually reverts to this1 with joy that he had been privileged to have such a friend1 with sorrow at his loss4 ,it is a chapter of his heart4 ,there was an element of necessity about it1 as there is about all the great things of life4 ,he could not account for it4 ,it came to him without effort or choice4 ,it was a miracle1 but it happened4 ,if a man should importune me to give a reason why ,i loved him1 ,i can only answer1 because it was he1 because it was ,i4 ,it was as some secret appointment of heaven4 ,they were both grown men when they first met1 and death separated them soon4 ,if ,i should compare all my life with the four years ,i had the happiness to enjoy the sweet society of this excellent man1 it is nothing but smoke2 an obscure and tedious night from the day that ,i lost him4 ,i have led a sorrowful and languishing life ever since4 ,i was so accustomed to be always his second in all places and in all interests1 that methinks ,i am now no more than half a man1 and have but half a being4 ,we would hardly expect such passion of love and regret from the easy-going1 genial1 garrulous essayist4 ,the joy that comes from a true communion of heart with another is perhaps one of the purest and greatest in the world1 but its function is not exhausted by merely giving pleasure4 ,though we may not be conscious of it1 there is a deeper purpose in it1 an education in the highest arts of living4 ,we may be enticed by the pleasure it affords1 but its greatest good is got by the way4 ,even intellectually it means the opening of a door into the mystery of life4 ,only love understands after all4 ,it gives insight4 ,we cannot truly know anything without sympathy1 without getting out of self and entering into others4 ,a man cannot be a true naturalist1 and observe the ways of birds and insects accurately1 unless he can watch long and lovingly4 ,we can never know children1 unless we love them4 ,many of the chambers of the house of life are forever locked to us1 until love gives us the key4 ,to learn to love all kinds of nobleness gives insight into the true significance of things1 and gives a standard to settle their relative importance4 ,an uninterested spectator sees nothing2 or1 what is worse1 sees wrongly4 ,most of our mean estimates of human nature in modern literature1 and our false realisms in art1 and our stupid pessimisms in philosophy1 are due to an unintelligent reading of surface facts4 ,men set out to note and collate impressions1 and make perhaps a scientific study of slumdom1 without genuine interest in the lives they see1 and therefore without true insight into them4 ,they miss the inwardness1 which love alone can supply4 ,if we look without love we can only see the outside1 the mere form and expression of the subject studied4 ,only with tender compassion and loving sympathy can we see the beauty even in the eye dull with weeping and in the fixed face pale with care4 ,we will often see noble patience shining through them1 and loyalty to duty1 and virtues and graces unsuspected by others4 ,the divine meaning of a true friendship is that it is often the first unveiling of the secret of love4 ,it is not an end in itself1 but has most of its worth in what it leads to1 the priceless gift of seeing with the heart rather than with the eyes4 ,to love one soul for its beauty and grace and truth is to open the way to appreciate all beautiful and true and gracious souls1 and to recognize spiritual beauty wherever it is seen4 ,the possibility at least of friendship must be a faith with us4 ,the cynical attitude is an offence4 ,it is possible to find in the world true-hearted1 leal1 and faithful dealing between man and man4 ,to doubt this is to doubt the divine in life4 ,faith in man is essential to faith in ,god4 ,in spite of all deceptions and disillusionments1 in spite of all the sham fellowships1 in spite of the flagrant cases of self-interest and callous cruelty1 we must keep clear and bright our faith in the possibilities of our nature4 ,the man who hardens his heart because he has been imposed on has no real belief in virtue1 and with suitable circumstances could become the deceiver instead of the deceived4 ,the great miracle of friendship with its infinite wonder and beauty may be denied to us1 and yet we may believe in it4 ,to believe that it is possible is enough1 even though in its superbest form it has never come to us4 ,to possess it1 is to have one of the world's sweetest gifts4 ,aristotle defines friendship as one soul abiding in two bodies4 ,there is no explaining such a relationship1 but there is no denying it4 ,it has not deserted the world since ,aristotle's time4 ,some of our modern poets have sung of it with as brave a faith as ever poet of old4 ,what splendid monuments to friendship we possess in ,milton's ,lycidas and ,tennyson's ,in ,memoriam6 ,in both there is the recognition of the spiritual power of it1 as well as the joy and comfort it brought4 ,the grief is tempered by an awed wonder and a glad memory4 ,the finest feature of ,rudyard ,kipling's work and it is a constant feature of it1 is the comradeship between commonplace soldiers of no high moral or spiritual attainment1 and yet it is the strongest force in their lives1 and on occasion makes heroes of them4 ,we feel that their faithfulness to each other is almost the only point at which their souls are reached4 ,the threefold cord of his soldiers1 vulgar in mind and common in thought as they are1 is a cord which we feel is not easily broken1 and it is their friendship and loyalty to each other which save them from utter vulgarity4 ,in ,walt ,whitman there is the same insight into the force of friendship in ordinary life1 with added wonder at the miracle of it4 ,he is the poet of comrades1 and sings the song of companionship more than any other theme4 ,he ever comes back to the lifelong love of comrades4 ,the mystery and the beauty of it impressed him4 ,o tan-faced prairie-boy1 ,before you came to camp came many a welcome gift1 ,praises and presents came and nourishing food1 till at last among the recruits ,you came1 taciturn1 with nothing to give--we but looked on each other1 ,when lo6 more than all the gifts of the world you gave me4 ,after all1 in spite of the vulgar materialism of our day1 we do feel that the spiritual side of life is the most important1 and brings the only true joy4 ,and friendship in its essence is spiritual4 ,it is the free1 spontaneous outflow of the heart1 and is a gift from the great ,giver4 ,friends are born1 not made4 ,at least it is so with the higher sort4 ,the marriage of souls is a heavenly mystery1 which we cannot explain1 and which we need not try to explain4 ,the method by which it is brought about differs very much1 and depends largely on temperament4 ,some friendships grow1 and ripen slowly and steadily with the years4 ,we cannot tell where they began1 or how4 ,they have become part of our lives1 and we just accept them with sweet content and glad confidence4 ,we have discovered that somehow we are rested1 and inspired1 by a certain companionship2 that we understand and are understood easily4 ,or it may come like love at first sight1 by the thrill of elective affinity4 ,this latter is the more uncertain1 and needs to be tested and corrected by the trial of the years that follow4 ,it has to be found out whether it is really spiritual kinship1 or mere emotional impulse4 ,it is a matter of temper and character4 ,a naturally reserved person finds it hard to open his heart1 even when his instinct prompts him2 while a sociable1 responsive nature is easily companionable4 ,it is not always this quick attachment1 however1 which wears best1 and that is the reason why youthful friendships have the character of being so fickle4 ,they are due to a natural instinctive delight in society4 ,most young people find it easy to be agreeable1 and are ready to place themselves under new influences4 ,but whatever be the method by which a true friendship is formed1 whether the growth of time or the birth of sudden sympathy1 there seems1 on looking back1 to have been an element of necessity4 ,it is a sort of predestined spiritual relationship4 ,we speak of a man meeting his fate1 and we speak truly4 ,when we look back we see it to be like destiny2 life converged to life1 and there was no getting out of it even if we wished it4 ,it is not that we made a choice1 but that the choice made us4 ,if it has come gradually1 we waken to the presence of the force which has been in our lives1 and has come into them never hasting but never resting1 till now we know it to be an eternal possession4 ,or1 as we are going about other business1 never dreaming of the thing which occurs1 the unexpected happens2 on the road a light shines on us1 and life is never the same again4 ,in one of its aspects1 faith is the recognition of the inevitableness of providence2 and when it is understood and accepted1 it brings a great consoling power into the life4 ,we feel that we are in the hands of a ,love that orders our ways1 and the knowledge means serenity and peace4 ,the fatality of friendship is gratefully accepted1 as the fatality of birth4 ,to the faith which sees love in all creation1 all life becomes harmony1 and all sorts of loving relationships among men seem to be part of the natural order of the world4 ,indeed1 such miracles are only to be looked for1 and if absent from the life of man would make it hard to believe in the love of ,god4 ,the world thinks we idealize our friend1 and tells us that love is proverbially blind4 ,not so3 it is only love that sees1 and thus can win the secret of a weed's plain heart4 ,we only see what dull eyes never see at all4 ,if we wonder what another man sees in his friend1 it should be the wonder of humility1 not the supercilious wonder of pride4 ,he sees something which we are not permitted to witness4 ,beneath and amongst what looks only like worthless slag1 there may glitter the pure gold of a fair character4 ,that anybody in the world should be got to love us1 and to see in us not what colder eyes see1 not even what we are but what we may be1 should of itself make us humble and gentle in our criticism of others' friendships4 ,our friends see the best in us1 and by that very fact call forth the best from us4 ,the great difficulty in this whole subject is that the relationship of friendship should so often be one-sided4 ,it seems strange that there should be so much unrequited affection in the world4 ,it seems almost impossible to get a completely balanced union4 ,one gives so much more1 and has to be content to get so much less4 ,one of the most humiliating things in life is when another seems to offer his friendship lavishly1 and we are unable to respond4 ,so much love seems to go a-begging4 ,so few attachments seem complete4 ,so much affection seems unrequited4 ,but are we sure it is unrequited8 ,the difficulty is caused by our common selfish standards4 ,most people1 if they had their choice1 would prefer to be loved rather than to love1 if only one of the alternatives were permitted4 ,that springs from the root of selfishness in human nature1 which makes us think that possession brings happiness4 ,but the glory of life is to love1 not to be loved2 to give1 not to get2 to serve1 not to be served4 ,it may not be our fault that we cannot respond to the offer of friendship or love1 but it is our misfortune4 ,the secret is revealed to the other1 and hid from us4 ,the gain is to the other1 and the loss is to us4 ,the miracle is the love1 and to the lover comes the wonder of it1 and the joy4 ,the ,culture of ,friendship ,how were ,friendship possible8 ,in mutual devotedness to the ,good and ,true3 otherwise impossible1 except as ,armed ,neutrality1 or hollow ,commercial ,league4 ,a man1 be the ,heavens ever praised1 is sufficient for himself2 yet were ten men1 united in ,love1 capable of being and of doing what ten thousand singly would fail in4 ,infinite is the help man can yield to man4 ,,carlyle1 ,sartor ,resartus4 ,the ,culture of ,friendship ,the ,book of ,proverbs might almost be called a treatise on ,friendship1 so full is it of advice about the sort of person a young man should consort with1 and the sort of person he should avoid4 ,it is full of shrewd1 and prudent1 and wise1 sometimes almost worldly-wise1 counsel4 ,it is caustic in its satire about false friends1 and about the way in which friendships are broken4 ,the rich hath many friends1 with an easily understood implication concerning their quality4 ,every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts1 is its sarcastic comment on the ordinary motives of mean men4 ,its picture of the plausible1 fickle1 lip-praising1 and time-serving man1 who blesseth his friend with a loud voice1 rising early in the morning1 is a delicate piece of satire4 ,the fragile connections among men1 as easily broken as mended pottery1 get illustration in the mischief-maker who loves to divide men4 ,a whisperer separateth chief friends4 ,there is keen irony here over the quality of ordinary friendship1 as well as condemnation of the tale-bearer and his sordid soul4 ,this cynical attitude is so common that we hardly expect such a shrewd book to speak heartily of the possibilities of human friendship4 ,its object rather is to put youth on its guard against the dangers and pitfalls of social life4 ,it gives sound commercial advice about avoiding becoming surety for a friend4 ,it warms ,transcriber's note3 warns8 against the tricks1 and cheats1 and bad faith1 which swarmed in the streets of a city then1 as they do still4 ,it laughs1 a little bitterly1 at the thought that friendship can be as common as the eager1 generous heart of youth imagines4 ,it almost sneers at the gullibility of men in this whole matter4 ,he that maketh many friends doeth it to his own destruction4 ,and yet there is no book1 even in classical literature1 which so exalts the idea of friendship1 and is so anxious to have it truly valued1 and carefully kept4 ,the worldly-wise warnings are after all in the interests of true friendship4 ,to condemn hypocrisy is not1 as is so often imagined1 to condemn religion4 ,to spurn the spurious is not to reject the true4 ,a sneer at folly may be only a covert argument for wisdom4 ,satire is negative truth4 ,the unfortunate thing is that most men1 who begin with the prudential worldly-wise philosophy1 end there4 ,they never get past the sneer4 ,not so this wise book4 ,in spite of its insight into the weakness of man1 in spite of its frank denunciation of the common masquerade of friendship1 it speaks of the true kind in words of beauty that have never been surpassed in all the many appraisements of this subject4 ,a friend loveth at all times1 and is a brother born for adversity4 ,faithful are the wounds of a friend4 ,ointment and perfume rejoice the heart1 so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel4 ,thine own friend and thy father's friend forsake not4 ,these are not the words of a cynic1 who has lost faith in man4 ,true1 this golden friendship is not a common thing to be picked up in the street4 ,it would not be worth much if it were4 ,like wisdom it must be sought for as for hid treasures1 and to keep it demands care and thought4 ,to think that every goose is a swan1 that every new comrade is the man of your own heart1 is to have a very shallow heart4 ,every casual acquaintance is not a hero4 ,there are pearls of the heart1 which cannot be thrown to swine4 ,till we learn what a sacred thing a true friendship is1 it is futile to speak of the culture of friendship4 ,the man who wears his heart on his sleeve cannot wonder if daws peck at it4 ,there ought to be a sanctuary1 to which few receive admittance4 ,it is great innocence1 or great folly1 and in this connection the terms are almost synonymous1 to open our arms to everybody to whom we are introduced4 ,the ,book of ,proverbs1 as a manual on friendship1 gives as shrewd and caustic warnings as are needed1 but it does not go to the other extreme1 and say that all men are liars1 that there are no truth and faithfulness to be found4 ,to say so is to speak in haste4 ,there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother1 says this wisest of books4 ,there is possible such a blessed relationship1 a state of love and trust and generous comradehood1 where a man feels safe to be himself1 because he knows that he will not easily be misunderstood4 ,the word friendship has been abased by applying it to low and unworthy uses1 and so there is plenty of copy still to be got from life by the cynic and the satirist4 ,the sacred name of friend has been bandied about till it runs the risk of losing its true meaning4 ,rossetti's versicle finds its point in life-- ,was it a friend or foe that spread these lies8 ,nay1 who but infants question in such wise8 ',t was one of my most intimate enemies4 ,it is useless to speak of cultivating the great gift of friendship unless we make clear to ourselves what we mean by a friend4 ,we make connections and acquaintances1 and call them friends4 ,we have few friendships1 because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship4 ,if we think it is not worth the price1 that is another matter1 and is quite an intelligible position1 but we must not use the word in different senses1 and then rail at fate because there is no miracle of beauty and joy about our sort of friendship4 ,like all other spiritual blessings it comes to all of us at some time or other1 and like them is often let slip4 ,we have the opportunities1 but we do not make use of them4 ,most men make friends easily enough3 few keep them4 ,they do not give the subject the care1 and thought1 and trouble1 it requires and deserves4 ,we want the pleasure of society1 without the duty4 ,we would like to get the good of our friends1 without burdening ourselves with any responsibility about keeping them friends4 ,the commonest mistake we make is that we spread our intercourse over a mass1 and have no depth of heart left4 ,we lament that we have no stanch and faithful friend1 when we have really not expended the love which produces such4 ,we want to reap where we have not sown1 the fatuousness of which we should see as soon as it is mentioned4 ,she that asks her dear five hundred friends 7as ,cowper satirically describes a well-known type7 cannot expect the exclusive affection1 which she has not given4 ,the secret of friendship is just the secret of all spiritual blessing4 ,the way to get is to give4 ,the selfish in the end can never get anything but selfishness4 ,the hard find hardness everywhere4 ,as you mete1 it is meted out to you4 ,some men have a genius for friendship4 ,that is because they are open and responsive1 and unselfish4 ,they truly make the most of life2 for apart from their special joys1 even intellect is sharpened by the development of the affections4 ,no material success in life is comparable to success in friendship4 ,we really do ourselves harm by our selfish standards4 ,there is an old ,latin proverb1#a expressing the worldly view1 which says that it is not possible for a man to love and at the same time to be wise4 ,this is only true when wisdom is made equal to prudence and selfishness1 and when love is made the same4 ,rather it is never given to a man to be wise in the true and noble sense1 until he is carried out of himself in the purifying passion of love1 or the generosity of friendship4 ,the self-centred being cannot keep friends1 even when he makes them2 his selfish sensitiveness is always in the way1 like a diseased nerve ready to be irritated4 ,the culture of friendship is a duty1 as every gift represents a responsibility4 ,it is also a necessity2 for without watchful care it can no more remain with us than can any other gift4 ,without culture it is at best only a potentiality4 ,we may let it slip1 or we can use it to bless our lives4 ,the miracle of friendship1 which came at first with its infinite wonder and beauty1 wears off1 and the glory fades into the light of common day4 ,the early charm passes1 and the soul forgets the first exaltation4 ,we are always in danger of mistaking the common for the commonplace4 ,we must not look upon it merely as the great luxury of life1 or it will cease to be even that4 ,it begins with emotion1 but if it is to remain it must become a habit4 ,habit is fixed when an accustomed thing is organized into life2 and1 whatever be the genesis of friendship1 it must become a habit1 or it is in danger of passing away as other impressions have done before4 ,friendship needs delicate handling4 ,we can ruin it by stupid blundering at the very birth1 and we can kill it by neglect4 ,it is not every flower that has vitality enough to grow in stony ground4 ,lack of reticence1 which is only the outward sign of lack of reverence1 is responsible for the death of many a fair friendship4 ,worse still1 it is often blighted at the very beginning by the insatiable desire for piquancy in talk1 which can forget the sacredness of confidence4 ,an acquaintance grilled1 scored1 devilled1 and served with mustard and cayenne pepper1 excites the appetite2 whereas a slice of old friend with currant jelly is but a sickly1 unrelishing meat4 #b ,nothing is given to the man who is not worthy to possess it1 and the shallow heart can never know the joy of a friendship1 for the keeping of which he is not able to fulfil the essential conditions4 ,here also it is true that from the man that hath not1 is taken away even that which he hath4 ,the method for the culture of friendship finds its best and briefest summary in the ,golden ,rule4 ,to do to1 and for1 your friend what you would have him do to1 and for1 you1 is a simple compendium of the whole duty of friendship4 ,the very first principle of friendship is that it is a mutual thing1 as among spiritual equals1 and therefore it claims reciprocity1 mutual confidence and faithfulness4 ,there must be sympathy to keep in touch with each other1 but sympathy needs to be constantly exercised4 ,it is a channel of communication1 which has to be kept open1 or it will soon be clogged and closed4 ,the practice of sympathy may mean the cultivation of similar tastes1 though that will almost naturally follow from the fellowship4 ,but to cultivate similar tastes does not imply either absorption of one of the partners1 or the identity of both4 ,rather1 part of the charm of the intercourse lies in the difference1 which exists in the midst of agreement4 ,what is essential is that there should be a real desire and a genuine effort to understand each other4 ,it is well worth while taking pains to preserve a relationship so full of blessing to both4 ,here1 as in all connections among men1 there is also ample scope for patience4 ,when we think of our own need for the constant exercise of this virtue1 we will admit its necessity for others4 ,after the first flush of communion has passed1 we must see in a friend things which detract from his worth1 and perhaps things which irritate us4 ,this is only to say that no man is perfect4 ,with tact1 and tenderness and patience1 it may be given us to help to remove what may be flaws in a fine character1 and in any case it is foolish to forget the great virtues of our friend in fretful irritation at a few blemishes4 ,we can keep the first ideal in our memory1 even if we know that it is not yet an actual fact4 ,we must not let our intercourse be coarsened1 but must keep it sweet and delicate1 that it may remain a refuge from the coarse world1 a sanctuary where we leave criticism outside1 and can breathe freely4 ,trust is the first requisite for making a friend4 ,how can we be anything but alone1 if our attitude to men is one of armed neutrality1 if we are suspicious1 and assertive1 and querulous1 and over-cautious in our advances8 ,suspicion kills friendship4 ,there must be some magnanimity and openness of mind1 before a friendship can be formed4 ,we must be willing to give ourselves freely and unreservedly4 ,some find it easier than others to make advances1 because they are naturally more trustful4 ,a beginning has to be made somehow1 and if we are moved to enter into personal association with another1 we must not be too cautious in displaying our feeling4 ,if we stand off in cold reserve1 the ice1 which trembled to thawing1 is gripped again by the black hand of frost4 ,there may be a golden moment which has been lost through a foolish reserve4 ,we are so afraid of giving ourselves away cheaply--and it is a proper enough feeling1 the value of which we learn through sad experience--but on the whole perhaps the warm nature1 which acts on impulse1 is of a higher type1 than the over-cautious nature1 ever on the watch lest it commit itself4 ,we can do nothing with each other1 we cannot even do business with each other1 without a certain amount of trust4 ,much more necessary is it in the beginning of a deeper intercourse4 ,and if trust is the first requisite for making a friend1 faithfulness is the first requisite for keeping him4 ,the way to have a friend is to be a friend4 ,faithfulness is the fruit of trust4 ,we must be ready to lay hold of every opportunity which occurs of serving our friend4 ,life is made up to most of us of little things1 and many a friendship withers through sheer neglect4 ,hearts are alienated1 because each is waiting for some great occasion for displaying affection4 ,the great spiritual value of friendship lies in the opportunities it affords for service1 and if these are neglected it is only to be expected that the gift should be taken from us4 ,friendship1 which begins with sentiment1 will not live and thrive on sentiment4 ,there must be loyalty1 which finds expression in service4 ,it is not the greatness of the help1 or the intrinsic value of the gift1 which gives it its worth1 but the evidence it is of love and thoughtfulness4 ,attention to detail is the secret of success in every sphere of life1 and little kindnesses1 little acts of considerateness1 little appreciations1 little confidences1 are all that most of us are called on to perform1 but they are all that are needed to keep a friendship sweet4 ,such thoughtfulness keeps our sentiment in evidence to both parties4 ,if we never show our kind feeling1 what guarantee has our friend1 or even ourself1 that it exists8 ,faithfulness in deed is the outward result of constancy of soul1 which is the rarest1 and the greatest1 of virtues4 ,if there has come to us the miracle of friendship1 if there is a soul to which our soul has been drawn1 it is surely worth while being loyal and true4 ,through the little occasions for helpfulness1 we are training for the great trial1 if it should ever come1 when the fabric of friendship will be tested to the very foundation4 ,the culture of friendship1 and its abiding worth1 never found nobler expression than in the beautiful proverb1#c ,a friend loveth at all times1 and is a brother born for adversity4 ,most men do not deserve such a gift from heaven4 ,they look upon it as a convenience1 and accept the privilege of love without the responsibility of it4 ,they even use their friends for their own selfish purposes1 and so never have true friends4 ,some men shed friends at every step they rise in the social scale4 ,it is mean and contemptible to merely use men1 so long as they further one's personal interests4 ,but there is a nemesis on such heartlessness4 ,to such can never come the ecstasy and comfort of mutual trust4 ,this worldly policy can never truly succeed4 ,it stands to reason that they cannot have brothers born for adversity1 and cannot count on the joy of the love that loveth at all times2 for they do not possess the quality which secures it4 ,to act on the worldly policy1 to treat a friend as if he might become an enemy1 is of course to be friendless4 ,to sacrifice a tried and trusted friend for any personal advantage of gain or position1 is to deprive our own heart of the capacity for friendship4 ,the passion for novelty will sometimes lead a man to act like this4 ,some shallow minds are ever afflicted by a craving for new experiences4 ,they sit very loosely to the past4 ,they are the easy victims of the untried1 and yearn perpetually for novel sensations4 ,in this matter of friendship they are ready to forsake the old for the new4 ,they are always finding a swan in every goose they meet4 ,they have their reward in a widowed heart4 ,says ,shakespeare in his great manner1-- ,the friends thou hast and their adoption tried ,grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel1 ,but do not dull thy palm with entertainment ,of each new-hatched1 unfledged comrade4 ,the culture of friendship must pass into the consecration of friendship1 if it is to reach its goal4 ,it is a natural evolution4 ,friendship cannot be permanent unless it becomes spiritual4 ,there must be fellowship in the deepest things of the soul1 community in the highest thoughts1 sympathy with the best endeavors4 ,we are bartering the priceless boon1 if we are looking on friendship merely as a luxury1 and not as a spiritual opportunity4 ,it is1 or can be1 an occasion for growing in grace1 for learning love1 for training the heart to patience and faith1 for knowing the joy of humble service4 ,we are throwing away our chance1 if we are not striving to be an inspiring and healthful environment to our friend4 ,we are called to be our best to our friend1 that he may be his best to us1 bringing out what is highest and deepest in the nature of both4 ,the culture of friendship is one of the approved instruments of culture of the heart1 without which a man has not truly come into his kingdom4 ,it is often only the beginning1 but through tender and careful culture it may be an education for the larger life of love4 ,it broadens out in ever-widening circles1 from the particular to the general1 and from the general to the universal--from the individual to the social1 and from the social to ,god4 ,the test of religion is ultimately a very simple one4 ,if we do not love those whom we have seen1 we cannot love those whom we have not seen4 ,all our sentiment about people at a distance1 and our heart-stirrings for the distressed and oppressed1 and our prayers for the heathen1 are pointless and fraudulent1 if we are neglecting the occasions for service lying to our hand4 ,if we do not love our brethren here1 how can we love our brethren elsewhere1 except as a pious sentimentality8 ,and if we do not love those we have seen1 how can we love ,god whom we have not seen8 ,this is the highest function of friendship1 and is the reason why it needs thoughtful culture4 ,we should be led to ,god by the joy of our lives as well as by the sorrow1 by the light as well as by the darkness1 by human intercourse as well as by human loneliness4 ,he is the ,giver of every good gift4 ,we wound ,his heart of love1 when we sin against love4 ,the more we know of ,christ's spirit1 and the more we think of the meaning of ,god's fathomless grace1 the more will we be convinced that the way to please the ,father and to follow the ,son is to cultivate the graces of kindliness and gentleness and tenderness1 to give ourselves to the culture of the heart4 ,not in the ecclesiastical arena1 not in polemic for a creed1 not in self-assertion and disputings1 do we please our ,master best1 but in the simple service of love4 ,to seek the good of men is to seek the glory of ,god4 ,they are not two things1 but one and the same4 ,to be a strong hand in the dark to another in the time of need1 to be a cup of strength to a human soul in a crisis of weakness1 is to know the glory of life4 ,to be a true friend1 saving his faith in man1 and making him believe in the existence of love1 is to save his faith in ,god4 ,and such service is possible for all4 ,we need not wait for the great occasion and for the exceptional opportunity4 ,we can never be without our chance1 if we are ready to keep the miracle of love green in our hearts by humble service4 ,the primal duties shine aloft like stars4 ,the charities that soothe and heal and bless1 ,are scattered at the feet of man like flowers4 #a ,non simul cuiquam conceditur1 amare et sapere4 #b ,thackeray1 ,roundabout ,papers4 #c ,proverbs xvii4 #ag1 ,r4 ,v4 margin4 ,the ,fruits of ,friendship ,two are better than one2 because they have a good reward for their labor4 ,for if they fall1 the one will lift up his fellow3 but woe to him that is alone when he falleth2 for he hath not another to help him up4 ,and if one prevail against him1 two shall withstand him2 and a threefold cord is not quickly broken4--,,ecclesiastes4 ,o friend1 my bosom said1 ,through thee alone the sky is arched1 ,through thee the rose is red1 ,all things through thee take nobler form ,and look beyond the earth1 ,and is the mill-round of our fate1 ,a sun-path in thy worth4 ,me too thy nobleness has taught ,to master my despair2 ,the fountains of my hidden life ,are through thy friendship fair4 ,,emerson4 ,the ,fruits of ,friendship ,in our utilitarian age things are judged by their practical value4 ,men ask of everything1 ,what is its use8 ,nothing is held to be outside criticism1 neither the law because of its authority1 nor religion because of its sacredness4 ,every relationship in life also has been questioned1 and is asked to show the reason of its existence4 ,even some relationships like marriage1 for long held to be above question1 are put into the crucible4 ,on the whole it is a good spirit1 though it can be abused and carried to an absurd extreme4 ,criticism is inevitable1 and ought to be welcomed1 provided we are careful about the true standard to apply4 ,when we judge a thing by its use1 we must not have a narrow view of what utility is4 ,usefulness to man is not confined to mere material values4 ,the common standards of the market-place cannot be applied to the whole of life4 ,the things which cannot be bought cannot be sold1 and the keenest valuator would be puzzled to put a price on some of these unmarketable wares4 ,when we seek to show what are the fruits of friendship1 we may be said to put ourselves in line with the critical spirit of our age4 ,but even if it were proven that a man could make more of his life materially by himself1 if he gave no hostages to fortune1 it would not follow that it is well to disentangle oneself from the common human bonds2 for our caveat would here apply1 that utility is larger than mere material gain4 ,but even from this point of view friendship justifies itself4 ,two are better than one2 for they have a good reward for their labor4 ,the principle of association in business is now accepted universally4 ,it is found even to pay1 to share work and profit4 ,most of the world's business is done by companies1 or partnerships1 or associated endeavor of some kind4 ,and the closer the intimacy between the men so engaged1 the intimacy of common desires and common purposes1 and mutual respect and confidence1 and1 if possible1 friendship1 the better chance there is for success4 ,two are better than one from the point of view even of the reward of each1 and a threefold cord is not quickly broken1 when a single strand would snap4 ,when men first learned1 even in its most rudimentary sense1 that union is strength1 the dawn of civilization began4 ,for offence and for defence1 the principle of association early proved itself the fittest for survival4 ,the future is always with ,isaac1 not with ,ishmael--with ,jacob1 not with ,esau4 ,in everything this is seen1 in the struggle of races1 or trade1 or ideas4 ,even as a religious method to make an impact on the world1 it is true4 ,john of the ,desert touched here a life1 and there a life2 ,jesus of ,nazareth1 seeking disciples1 founding a society1 moved the world to its heart4 ,it is not necessary to labor this point1 that two are better than one1 to a commercial age like ours1 which1 whatever it does not know1 at least knows its arithmetic4 ,we would say that it is self-evident1 that by the law of addition it is double1 and by the law of multiplication twice the number4 ,but it is not so exact as that1 nor so self-evident4 ,when we are dealing with men1 our ready-reckoner rules do not work out correctly4 ,in this region one and one are not always two4 ,they are sometimes more than two1 and sometimes less than two4 ,union of all kinds1 which may be strength1 may be weakness4 ,it was not till ,gideon weeded out his army1 once and twice1 that he was promised victory4 ,the fruits of friendship may be corrupting1 and unspeakably evil to the life4 ,the reward of the labor of two may be less than that of one4 ,the boy pulling a barrow is lucky if he get another boy to shove behind1 but if the boy behind not only ceases to shove1 but sits on the barrow1 the last end is worse than the first4 ,a threefold cord with two of the strands rotten is worse than a single sound strand1 for it deceives into putting too much weight on it4 ,in social economics it is evident that society is not merely the sum of the units that compose it4 ,two are better than one1 not merely because the force is doubled4 ,it may even be said that two are better than two4 ,two together mean more than two added singly2 for a new element is introduced which increases the power of each individually4 ,when the man ,friday came into the life of ,robinson ,crusoe1 he brought with him a great deal more than his own individual value1 which with his lower civilization would not be very much4 ,but to ,robinson ,crusoe he represented society1 and all the possibilities of social polity4 ,it meant also the satisfaction of the social instincts1 the play of the affections1 and made ,crusoe a different man4 ,the two living together were more than the two living on different desert islands4 ,the truth of this strange contradiction of the multiplication table is seen in the relationship of friends4 ,each gives to the other1 and each receives1 and the fruit of the intercourse is more than either in himself possesses4 ,every individual relationship has contact with a universal4 ,to reach out to the fuller life of love is a divine enchantment1 because it leads to more than itself1 and is the open door into the mystery of life4 ,we feel ourselves united to the race and no longer isolated units1 but in the sweep of the great social forces which mould mankind4 ,every bond which binds man to man is a new argument for the permanence of life itself1 and gives a new insight into its meaning4 ,love is the pledge and the promise of the future4 ,besides this cosmic and perhaps somewhat shadowy benefit1 there are many practical fruits of friendship to the individual4 ,these may be classified and subdivided almost endlessly1 and indeed in every special friendship the fruits of it will differ according to the character and closeness of the tie1 and according to the particular gifts of each of the partners4 ,one man can give to his friend some quality of sympathy1 or some kind of help1 or can supply some social need which is lacking in his character or circumstances4 ,perhaps it is not possible to get a better division of the subject than the three noble fruits of friendship which ,bacon enumerates--peace in the affections1 support of the judgment1 and aid in all actions and occasions4 ,first of all there is the satisfaction of the heart4 ,we cannot live a self-centred life1 without feeling that we are missing the true glory of life4 ,we were made for social intercourse1 if only that the highest qualities of our nature might have an opportunity for development4 ,the joy1 which a true friendship gives1 reveals the existence of the want of it1 perhaps previously unfelt4 ,it is a sin against ourselves to let our affections wither4 ,this sense of incompleteness is an argument in favor of its possible satisfaction2 our need is an argument for its fulfilment4 ,our hearts demand love1 as truly as our bodies demand food4 ,we cannot live among men1 suspicious1 and careful of our own interests1 and fighting for our own hand1 without doing dishonor and hurt to our own nature4 ,to be for ourselves puts the whole world against us4 ,to harden our heart hardens the heart of the universe4 ,we need sympathy1 and therefore we crave for friendship4 ,even the most perfect of the sons of men felt this need of intercourse of the heart4 ,christ1 in one aspect the most self-contained of men1 showed this human longing all through ,his life4 ,he ever desired opportunities for enlargement of heart--in ,his disciples1 in an inner circle within the circle1 in the household of ,bethany4 ,will ye also go away8 ,he asked in the crisis of ,his career4 ,could ye not watch with ,me one hour8 ,he sighed in ,his great agony4 ,he was perfectly human1 and therefore felt the lack of friendship4 ,the higher our relationships with each other are1 the closer is the intercourse demanded4 ,highest of all in the things of the soul1 we feel that the true ,christian life cannot be lived in the desert1 but must be a life among men1 and this because it is a life of joy as well as of service4 ,we feel that1 for the founding of our life and the completion of our powers1 we need intercourse with our kind4 ,stunted affections dwarf the whole man4 ,we live by admiration1 hope1 and love1 and these can be developed only in the social life4 ,the sweetest and most stable pleasures also are never selfish4 ,they are derived from fellowship1 from common tastes1 and mutual sympathy4 ,sympathy is not a quality merely needed in adversity4 ,it is needed as much when the sun shines4 ,indeed1 it is more easily obtained in adversity than in prosperity4 ,it is comparatively easy to sympathize with a friend's failure1 when we are not so true-hearted about his success4 ,when a man is down in his luck1 he can be sure of at least a certain amount of good-fellowship to which he can appeal4 ,it is difficult to keep a little touch of malice1 or envy1 out of congratulations4 ,it is sometimes easier to weep with those who weep1 than to rejoice with those who rejoice4 ,this difficulty is felt not with people above us1 or with little connection with us1 but with our equals4 ,when a friend succeeds1 there may be a certain regret which has not always an evil root1 but is due to a fear that he is getting beyond our reach1 passing out of our sphere1 and perhaps will not need or desire our friendship so much as before4 ,it is a dangerous feeling to give way to1 but up to a certain point is natural and legitimate4 ,a perfect friendship would not have room for such grudging sympathy1 but would rejoice more for the other's success than for his own4 ,the envious1 jealous man never can be a friend4 ,his mean spirit of detraction and insinuating ill-will kills friendship at its birth4 ,plutarch records a witty remark about ,plistarchus1 who was told that a notorious railer had spoken well of him4 ,i'll lay my life1 said he1 somebody has told him ,i am dead1 for he can speak well of no man living4 ,for true satisfaction of the heart1 there must be a fount of sympathy from which to draw in all the vicissitudes of life4 ,sorrow asks for sympathy1 aches to let its griefs be known and shared by a kindred spirit4 ,to find such1 is to dispel the loneliness from life4 ,to have a heart which we can trust1 and into which we can pour our griefs and our doubts and our fears1 is already to take the edge from grief1 and the sting from doubt1 and the shade from fear4 ,joy also demands that its joy should be shared4 ,the man who has found his sheep that was lost calls together his neighbors1 and bids them rejoice with him because he has found the sheep that was lost4 ,joy is more social than grief4 ,some forms of grief desire only to creep away into solitude like a wounded beast to its lair1 to suffer alone and to die alone4 ,but joy finds its counterpart in the sunshine and the flowers and the birds and the little children1 and enters easily into all the movements of life4 ,sympathy will respond to a friend's gladness1 as well as vibrate to his grief4 ,a simple generous friendship will thus add to the joy1 and will divide the sorrow4 ,the religious life1 in spite of all the unnatural experiments of monasticism and all its kindred ascetic forms1 is preminently a life of friendship4 ,it is individual in its root1 and social in its fruits4 ,it is when two or three are gathered together that religion becomes a fact for the world4 ,the joy of religion will not be hid and buried in a man's own heart4 ,come1 see a man that told me all that ever ,i did1 is the natural outcome of the first wonder and the first faith4 ,it spreads from soul to soul by the impact of soul on soul1 from the original impact of the great soul of ,god4 ,christ's ideal is the ideal of a ,kingdom1 men banded together in a common cause1 under common laws1 serving the same purpose of love4 ,it is meant to take effect upon man in all his social relationships1 in the home1 in the city1 in the state4 ,its greatest triumphs have been made through friendship1 and it in turn has ennobled and sanctified the bond4 ,the growth of the ,kingdom depends on the sanctified working of the natural ties among men4 ,it was so at the very start2 ,john the ,baptist pointed out the ,christ to ,john the future ,apostle and to ,andrew2 ,andrew findeth his own brother ,simon ,peter2 ,philip findeth ,nathanael2 and so society through its network of relations took into its heart the new message4 ,the man who has been healed must go and tell those who are at home1 must declare it to his friends1 and seek that they also should share in his great discovery4 ,the very existence of the ,church as a body of believers is due to this necessity of our nature1 which demands opportunity for the interchange of ,christian sentiment4 ,the deeper the feeling1 the greater is the joy of sharing it with another4 ,there is a strange felicity1 a wondrous enchantment1 which comes from true intimacy of heart1 and close communion of soul1 and the result is more than mere fleeting joy4 ,when it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations1 when it is built on a common faith1 and lives by a common hope1 it brings perfect peace4 ,no friendship has done its work until it reaches the supremest satisfaction of spiritual communion4 ,besides this satisfaction of the heart1 friendship also gives satisfaction of the mind4 ,most men have a certain natural diffidence in coming to conclusions and forming opinions for themselves4 ,we rarely feel confident1 until we have secured the agreement of others in whom we trust4 ,there is always a personal equation in all our judgments1 so that we feel that they require to be amended by comparison with those of others4 ,doctors ask for a consultation1 when a case becomes critical4 ,we all realize the advantage of taking counsel4 ,to ask for advice is a benefit1 whether we follow the advice or no4 ,indeed1 the best benefit often comes from the opportunity of testing our own opinion and finding it valid4 ,sometimes the very statement of the case is enough to prove it one thing or the other4 ,an advantage is reaped from a sympathetic listener1 even although our friend be unable to elucidate the matter by his special sagacity or experience4 ,friends in counsel gain much intellectually4 ,they acquire something approaching to a standard of judgment1 and are enabled to classify opinions1 and to make up the mind more accurately and securely4 ,through talking a subject over with another1 one gets fresh side-lights into it1 new avenues open up1 and the whole question becomes larger and richer4 ,bacon says1 ,friendship maketh daylight in the understanding1 out of darkness and confusion of thoughts3 neither is this to be understood only of faithful counsel1 which a man receiveth from his friend2 but before you come to that1 certain it is1 that whosoever hath his mind fraught with many thoughts1 his wits and understanding do clarify and break up in the communicating and discoursing with another2 he tosseth his thoughts more easily2 he marshalleth them more orderly2 he seeth how they look when they are turned into words2 finally he waxeth wiser than himself2 and that more by an hour's discourse than by a day's meditation4 ,we must have been struck with the brilliancy of our own conversation and the profundity of our own thoughts1 when we shared them with one1 with whom we were in sympathy at the time4 ,the brilliancy was not ours2 it was the reflex action which was the result of the communion4 ,that is why the effect of different people upon us is different1 one making us creep into our shell and making us unable almost to utter a word2 another through some strange magnetism enlarging the bounds of our whole being and drawing the best out of us4 ,the true insight after all is love4 ,it clarifies the intellect1 and opens the eyes to much that was obscure4 ,besides the subjective influence1 there may be the great gain of honest counsel4 ,a faithful friend can be trusted not to speak merely soft words of flattery4 ,it is often the spectator who sees most of the game1 and1 if the spectator is at the same time keenly interested in us1 he can have a more unbiased opinion than we can possibly have4 ,he may have to say that which may wound our self-esteem2 he may have to speak for correction rather than for commendation2 but ,faithful are the wounds of a friend4 ,the flatterer will take good care not to offend our susceptibilities by too many shocks of wholesome truth-telling2 but a friend will seek our good1 even if he must say the thing we hate to hear at the time4 ,this does not mean that a friend should always be what is called plain-spoken4 ,many take advantage of what they call a true interest in our welfare1 in order to rub gall into our wounds4 ,the man who boasts of his frankness and of his hatred of flattery1 is usually not frank--but only brutal4 ,a true friend will never needlessly hurt1 but also will never let slip occasions through cowardice4 ,to speak the truth in love takes off the edge of unpleasantness1 which so often is found in truth-speaking4 ,and however the wound may smart1 in the end we are thankful for the faithfulness which caused it4 ,let the righteous smite me2 it shall be a kindness3 and let him reprove me2 it shall be an excellent oil1 which shall not break my head4 ,in our relations with each other1 there is usually more advantage to be reaped from friendly encouragement1 than from friendly correction4 ,true criticism does not consist1 as so many critics seem to think1 in depreciation1 but in appreciation2 in putting oneself sympathetically in another's position1 and seeking to value the real worth of his work4 ,there are more lives spoiled by undue harshness1 than by undue gentleness4 ,more good work is lost from want of appreciation than from too much of it2 and certainly it is not the function of friendship to do the critic's work4 ,unless carefully repressed1 such a spirit becomes censorious1 or1 worse still1 spiteful1 and has often been the means of losing a friend4 ,it is possible to be kind1 without giving crooked counsel1 or oily flattery2 and it is possible to be true1 without magnifying faults1 and indulging in cruel rebukes4 ,besides the joy of friendship1 and its aid in matters of counsel1 a third of its noble fruits is the direct help it can give us in the difficulties of life4 ,it gives strength to the character4 ,it sobers and steadies through the responsibility for each other which it means4 ,when men face the world together1 and are ready to stand shoulder to shoulder1 the sense of comradeship makes each strong4 ,this help may not often be called into play1 but just to know that it is there if needed is a great comfort1 to know that if one fall the other will lift him up4 ,the very word friendship suggests kindly help and aid in distress4 ,shakespeare applies the word in ,king ,lear to an inanimate thing with this meaning of helpfulness1-- ,gracious my lord1 hard by here is a hovel2 ,some friendship will it lend you 'gainst the tempest4 ,sentiment does not amount to much1 if it is not an inspiring force to lead to gentle and to generous deeds1 when there is need4 ,the fight is not so hard1 when we know that we are not alone1 but that there are some who think of us1 and pray for us1 and would gladly help us if they get the opportunity4 ,comradeship is one of the finest facts1 and one of the strongest forces in life4 ,a mere strong man1 however capable1 and however singly successful1 is of little account by himself4 ,there is no glamour of romance in his career4 ,the kingdom of ,romance belongs to ,david1 not to ,samson--to ,david1 with his eager1 impetuous1 affectionate nature1 for whom three men went in the jeopardy of life to bring him a drink of water2 and all for love of him4 ,it is not the self-centred1 self-contained hero1 who lays hold of us2 it is ever the comradeship of heroes4 ,dumas' ,three ,musketeers 7and the ,gascon who made a greater fourth71 with their oath1 ,each for all1 and all for each1 inherit that kingdom of ,romance1 with all that ever have been tied in bands of love4 ,robertson of ,brighton in one of his letters tells how a friend of his had1 through cowardice or carelessness1 missed an opportunity of putting him right on a point with which he was charged1 and so left him defenceless against a slander4 ,with his native sweetness of soul1 he contents himself with the exclamation1 ,how rare it is to have a friend who will defend you thoroughly and boldly6 ,yet that is just one of the loyal things a friend can do1 sometimes when it would be impossible for a man himself to do himself justice with others4 ,some things1 needful to be said or done under certain circumstances1 cannot be undertaken without indelicacy by the person concerned1 and the keen instinct of a friend should tell him that he is needed4 ,a little thoughtfulness would often suggest things that could be done for our friends1 that would make them feel that the tie which binds us to them is a real one4 ,that man is rich indeed1 who possesses thoughtful1 tactful friends1 with whom he feels safe when present1 and in whose hands his honor is secure when absent4 ,if there be no loyalty1 there can be no great friendship4 ,most of our friendships lack the distinction of greatness1 because we are not ready for little acts of service4 ,without these our love dwindles down to a mere sentiment1 and ceases to be the inspiring force for good to both lives1 which it was at the beginning4 ,the aid we may receive from friendship may be of an even more powerful1 because of a more subtle1 nature than material help4 ,it may be a safeguard against temptation4 ,the recollection of a friend whom we admire is a great force to save us from evil1 and to prompt us to good4 ,the thought of his sorrow in any moral break-down of ours will often nerve us to stand firm4 ,what would my friend think of me1 if ,i did this1 or consented to this meanness8 ,could ,i look him in the face again1 and meet the calm pure gaze of his eye8 ,would it not be a blot on our friendship1 and draw a veil over our intercourse8 ,no friendship is worth the name which does not elevate1 and does not help to nobility of conduct and to strength of character4 ,it should give a new zest to duty1 and a new inspiration to all that is good4 ,influence is the greatest of all human gifts1 and we all have it in some measure4 ,there are some to whom we are something1 if not everything4 ,there are some1 who are grappled to us with hoops of steel4 ,there are some1 over whom we have ascendency1 or at least to whom we have access1 who have opened the gates of the ,city of ,mansoul to us1 some we can sway with a word1 a touch1 a look4 ,it must always be a solemn thing for a man to ask what he has done with this dread power of influence4 ,for what has our friend to be indebted to us--for good or for evil8 ,have we put on his armor1 and sent him out with courage and strength to the battle8 ,or have we dragged him down from the heights to which he once aspired8 ,we are face to face here with the tragic possibilities of human intercourse4 ,in all friendship we open the gates of the city1 and those who have entered must be either allies in the fight1 or treacherous foes4 ,all the fruits of friendship1 be they blessed or baneful1 spring from this root of influence1 and influence in the long run is the impress of our real character on other lives4 ,influence cannot rise above the level of our lives4 ,the result of our friendship on others will ultimately be conditioned by the sort of persons we are4 ,it adds a very sacred responsibility to life4 ,here1 as in other regions1 a good tree bringeth forth good fruit1 but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit4 ,the ,choice of ,friendship ,if thou findest a good man1 rise up early in the morning to go to him1 and let thy feet wear the steps of his door4 ,,the ,,apocryphal ,,book ,,of ,,ecclesiasticus4 ,whereof the man1 that with me trod ,this planet1 was a noble type1 ,appearing ere the times were ripe1 ,that friend of mine who lives with ,god4 ,,tennyson4 ,the ,choice of ,friendship ,our responsibility for our friendships is not confined to making sure that our influence over others is for good4 ,we have also a duty to ourselves4 ,as we possess the gift of influence over others1 so we in turn are affected by every life which touches ours4 ,influence is like an atmosphere exhaled by each separate personality4 ,some men seem neutral and colorless1 with no atmosphere to speak of4 ,some have a bad atmosphere1 like the rank poisonous odor of noxious weeds1 breeding malaria4 ,if our moral sense were only keen and true1 we would instinctively know them1 as some children do1 and dread their company4 ,others have a good atmosphere2 we can breathe there in safety1 and have a joyful sense of security4 ,with some of these it is a local delicate environment1 sweet1 suggestive1 like the aroma of wild violets3 we have to look1 and sometimes to stoop1 to get into its range4 ,with some it is like a pine forest1 or a eucalyptus grove of warmer climes1 which perfumes a whole country side4 ,it is well to know such1 ,christ's little ones and ,christ's great ones4 ,they put oxygen into the moral atmosphere1 and we breathe more freely for it4 ,they give us new insight1 and fresh courage1 and purer faith1 and by the impulse of their example inspire us to nobler life4 ,there is nothing so important as the choice of friendship2 for it both reflects character and affects it4 ,a man is known by the company he keeps4 ,this is an infallible test2 for his thoughts1 and desires1 and ambitions1 and loves are revealed here4 ,he gravitates naturally to his congenial sphere4 ,and it affects character2 for it is the atmosphere he breathes4 ,it enters his blood and makes the circuit of his veins4 ,all love assimilates to what it loves4 ,a man is moulded into likeness of the lives that come nearest him4 ,it is at the point of the emotions that he is most impressionable4 ,the material surroundings1 the outside lot of a man1 affects him1 but after all that is mostly on the outside2 for the higher functions of life may be served in almost any external circumstances4 ,but the environment of other lives1 the communion of other souls1 are far more potent facts4 ,the nearer people are to each other1 and the less disguise there is in their relationship1 the more invariably will the law of spiritual environment act4 ,it seems a tragedy that people1 who see each other as they are1 become like each other2 and often it is a tragedy4 ,but the law carries as much hope in it as despair4 ,if through it evil works havoc1 through it also good persists4 ,if we are hindered by the weakness of our associates1 we are often helped by their goodness and sweetness4 ,contact with a strong nature inspires us with strength4 ,some one once asked ,kingsley what was the secret of his strong joyous life1 and he answered1 ,i had a friend4 ,if every evil man is a centre of contagion1 every good man is a centre of healing4 ,he provides an environment in which others can see ,god4 ,goodness creates an atmosphere for other souls to be good4 ,it is a priestly garment that has virtue even for the finger that touches it4 ,the earth has its salt1 and the world has its light1 in the sweet souls1 and winsome lives1 and ,christ-like characters to be found in it4 ,the choice of friends is therefore one of the most serious affairs in life1 just because a man becomes moulden into the likeness of what he loves in his friend4 ,from the purely selfish standard1 every fresh tie we form means giving a new hostage to fortune1 and adding a new risk to our happiness4 ,apart from any moral evil1 every intimacy is a danger of another blow to the heart4 ,but if we desire fulness of life1 we cannot help ourselves4 ,a man may make many a friendship to his own hurt1 but the isolated life is a greater danger still4 ,societas est mater discordiarum1 which ,scott in his humorous pathetic account of the law-suits of ,peter ,peebles versus ,plainstanes in ,redgauntlet1 translates1 ,partnership oft makes pleaship4 ,every relationship means risk1 but we must take the risk2 for while nearly all our sorrows come from our connection with others1 nearly all our joys have the same source4 ,we cannot help ourselves2 for it is part of the great discipline of life4 ,rather1 we need knowledge1 and care1 and forethought to enable us to make the best use of the necessities of our nature4 ,and foremost of these for importance is our choice of friends4 ,we may err on the one side by being too cautious1 and too exclusive in our attachments4 ,we may be supercilious1 and disdainful in our estimate of men4 ,contempt always blinds the eyes4 ,every man is vulnerable somewhere1 if only like ,achilles in the heel4 ,the true secret of insight is not contempt1 but sympathy4 ,such disdain usually means putting all the eggs into one basket1 when a smash spells ruin4 ,the other extreme is the attitude1 which easily makes many friends1 without much consideration of quality4 ,we know the type of man1 who is friendly with everybody1 and a friend of none4 ,he is ,hail fellow well met6 with every passing stranger1 a boon companion of every wayfarer4 ,he takes up with every sort of casual comrade1 and seeks to be on good terms with everybody4 ,he makes what is called1 with a little contempt1 good company1 and is a favorite on all light occasions4 ,his affections spread themselves out over a large expanse4 ,he is easily consoled for a loss1 and easily attracted by a new attachment4 ,and as he deals1 so is he dealt with4 ,many like him2 few quite trust him4 ,he makes many friends1 and is not particular about their quality4 ,the law of spiritual environment plays upon him with its relentless force4 ,he gives himself away too cheaply1 and opens himself to all sorts of influence4 ,he is constantly laying himself in the way of temptation4 ,his mind takes on the opinions of his set3 his character assimilates itself to the forces that act on it4 ,the evil example of some of his intimates gradually breaks down the barriers of past training and teaching4 ,the desire to please a crowd means that principle is let slip1 and conscience ceases to be the standard of action4 ,his very friends are not true friends1 being mostly of the fair-weather quality4 ,though it may seem difficult to avoid either of these two extremes1 it will not do to refuse to choose at all1 and leave things to chance4 ,we drift into many of our connections with men1 but the art of seamanship is tested by sailing not by drifting4 ,the subject of the choice of friendship is not advanced much by just letting them choose us4 ,that is to become the victim1 not the master of our circumstances4 ,and while it is true that we are acted on as much as we act1 and are chosen as much as we choose1 it is not permitted to any one merely to be passive1 except at great cost4 ,at the same time in the mystery of friendship we cannot say that we went about with a touchstone testing all we met1 till we found the ore that would respond to our particular magnet4 ,it is not that we said to ourselves1 ,go to1 we will choose a friend1 and straightway made a distinct election to the vacant throne of our heart4 ,from one point of view we were absolutely passive4 ,things arranged themselves without effort1 and by some subtle affinity we learned that we had gained a friend4 ,the history of every true friendship is the brief description of ,emerson1 ,my friends have come to me unsought2 the great ,god gave them to me4 ,there was an element of necessity in this1 as in all crises of life4 ,does it therefore seem absurd and useless to speak about the choice of friendship at all8 ,by no means1 because the principles we set before ourselves will determine the kind of friends we have1 as truly as if the whole initiative lay with us4 ,we are chosen for the same reason for which we would choose4 ,to try to separate the two processes is to make the same futile distinction1 on a lower scale1 so often made between choosing ,god and being chosen by ,him4 ,it is futile1 because the distinction cannot be maintained4 ,besides1 the value of having some definite principle by which to test friendship is not confined to the positive attachments made4 ,the necessity for a system of selection is largely due to the necessity for rejection4 ,the good and great intimacies of our life will perhaps come to us1 as the wind bloweth1 we cannot tell how4 ,but by regulating our course wisely1 we will escape from hampering our life by mistakes1 and weakening it with false connections4 ,we ought to be courteous1 and kind1 and gentle with all1 but not to all can we open the sanctuary of our heart4 ,we have a graduated scale of intimacy1 from introduction1 and nodding acquaintance1 and speaking acquaintance1 through an endless series of kinds of intercourse to the perfect friendship4 ,in counting up our gains and our resources1 we cannot give them all the same value1 without deceiving ourselves4 ,to expect loyalty and devotion from all alike is to court disappointment4 ,most misanthropical and cynical estimates of man are due to this mingled ignorance and conceit4 ,we cannot look for undying affection from the crowd we may happen to have entertained to dinner1 or have rubbed shoulders with at business resorts or at social gatherings4 ,many men in life1 as many are depicted in literature1 have played the misanthrope1 because they have discovered through adversity how many of their associates were fair-weather friends4 ,in their prosperity they encouraged toadying and sycophancy4 ,they liked to have hangers-on1 who would flatter1 and when the east wind blows they are indignant that their circle should prefer to avoid it4 ,shakespeare's ,timon of ,athens is a typical misanthrope in his virtuous indignation at the cat-like love of men for comfort4 ,in his prosperity crowds of glass-faced flatterers bent before him1 and were made rich in ,timon's nod4 ,he wasted his substance in presents and hospitality1 and bred a fine race of parasites and trencher-friends4 ,when he spent all and began to be in want1 no man gave unto him4 ,the winter shower drove away the summer flies4 ,he had loved the reputation for splendid liberality1 and lavish generosity1 and had sought to be a little god among men1 bestowing favors and receiving homage1 all of which was only a more subtle form of selfishness4 ,when the brief day of prosperity passed1 men shut their doors against the setting sun4 ,the smooth and smilling crowd dropped off with a shrug1 and ,timon went to the other extreme of misanthropy1 declaimed against friendship1 and cursed men for their ingratitude4 ,but after all he got what he had paid for4 ,he thought he had been buying the hearts of men1 and found that he had only bought their mouths1 and tongues1 and eyes4 ,he that loves to be flattered is worthy of the flatterer4 ,for moral value there is not much to choose between them4 ,rats are said to desert the sinking ship1 which is not to be wondered at in rats4 ,the choice of friendship does not mean the indiscriminate acceptance of all who are willing to assume the name of friend4 ,a touch of east wind is good1 not only to weed out the false and test the true1 but also to brace a man to the stern realities of life4 ,when we find that some of our intimates are dispersed by adversity1 instead of raving against the world's ingratitude like ,timon1 we should be glad that now we know whom exactly we can trust4 ,another common way of choosing friends1 and one which also meets with its own fitting reward1 is the selfish method of valuing men according to their usefulness to us4 ,to add to their credit1 or reputation1 some are willing to include anybody in their list of intimates4 ,for business purposes even1 men will sometimes run risks1 by endangering the peace of their home and the highest interests of those they love2 they are ready to introduce into their family circle men whom they distrust morally1 because they think they can make some gain out of the connection4 ,all the stupid snobbishness1 and mean tuft-hunting so common1 are due to the same desire to make use of people in some way or other4 ,it is an abuse of the word friendship to apply it to such social scrambling4 ,of course1 even tuft-hunting may be only a perverted desire after what we think the best1 a longing to get near those we consider of nobler nature and larger mind than common associates4 ,it may be an instinctive agreement with ,plato's definition of the wise man1 as ever wanting to be with him who is better than himself4 ,but in its usual form it becomes an unspeakable degradation1 inducing servility1 and lick-spittle humility1 and all the vices of the servile mind4 ,there can never be true friendship without self-respect1 and unless soul meets soul free from self-seeking4 ,if we had higher standards for ourselves1 if we lived to ,god and not to men1 we would also find that in the truest sense we would live with men4 ,we need not go out of our way to ingratiate ourselves with anybody4 ,nothing can make up for the loss of independence and native dignity of soul4 ,it is not for a man1 made in the image of ,god1 to grovel1 and demean himself before his fellow creatures4 ,after all it defeats itself2 for there can only be friendship between equals4 ,this does not mean equals in what is called social position1 nor even in intellectual attainments1 though these naturally have weight1 but it means equality which has a spiritual source4 ,can two walk together1 except they be agreed8 ,nor does it mean identity1 nor even likeness4 ,indeed1 for the highest unity there must be difference1 the difference of free beings1 with will1 and conscience1 and mind unhampered4 ,we often make much of our differences1 forgetting that really we differ1 and can differ1 only because we agree4 ,without many points of contact1 there could be no divergence from these4 ,argument and contradiction of opinion are the outcome of difference1 and yet for argument there is needed a common basis4 ,we cannot even discuss1 unless we meet on some mental ground common to both disputants4 ,so there may be1 nay1 for the highest union there must be1 a great general conformity behind the distinctions1 a deep underlying common basis beneath the unlikeness4 ,and for true union of hearts1 this equality must have a spiritual source4 ,if then there must be some spiritual affinity1 agreement in what is best and highest in each1 we can see the futility of most of the selfish attempts to make capital out of our intercourse4 ,our friends will be1 because they must be1 our equals4 ,we can never have a nobler intimacy1 until we are made fit for it4 ,all connections based on selfishness1 either on personal pleasure or on usefulness1 are accidental4 ,they are easily dissolved1 because1 when the pleasure or the utility ceases1 the bond ceases4 ,when the motive of the friendship is removed1 the friendship itself disappears4 ,the perfect friendship is grounded on what is permanent1 on goodness1 on character4 ,it is of much slower growth1 since it takes some time to really find out the truly lovable things in a life1 but it is lasting1 since the foundation is stable4 ,the most important point1 then1 about the choice of friendship is that we should know what to reject4 ,countless attractions come to us on the lower plane4 ,a man may be attracted by what his own conscience tells him to be unworthy4 ,he may have slipped gradually into companionship with some1 whose influence is even evil4 ,he may have got1 almost without his own will1 into a set which is deteriorating his life and character4 ,he knows the fruits of his weakness1 in the lowering of the moral tone1 in the slackening grip of the conscience1 in the looser flow of the blood4 ,he has become pliant in will1 feeble in purpose1 and flaccid in character4 ,every man has a duty to himself to be his own best self1 and he can never be that under the spell of evil companionship4 ,some men mix in doubtful company1 and say that they have no ,pharisaic exclusiveness1 and even sometimes defend themselves by ,christ's example1 who received sinners and ate with them4 ,the comparison borders on blasphemy4 ,it depends on the purpose1 for which sinners are received4 ,christ never joined in their sin1 but went to save them from their sin2 and wickedness could not lift its head in ,his presence4 ,some seek to be initiated into the mysteries of iniquity1 in idle or morbid curiosity1 perhaps to write a realistic book1 or to see life1 as it is called4 ,there is often a prurient desire to explore the tracts of sin1 as if information on such subjects meant wisdom4 ,if men are honest with themselves1 they will admit that they join the company of sinners1 for the relish they have for the sin4 ,we must first obey the moral command to come out from among them and be separate1 before it is possible for us to meet them like ,christ4 ,separateness of soul is the law of holiness4 ,of ,christ1 of whom it was said that this man receiveth sinners1 it was also said that ,he was separate from sinners4 ,the knowledge of wickedness is not wisdom1 neither is the counsel of sinners prudence4 ,most young men know the temptation here referred to1 the curiosity to learn the hidden things1 and to have the air of those who know the world4 ,if we have gone wrong here1 and have admitted into the sanctuary of our lives influences that make for evil1 we must break away from them at all costs4 ,the sweeter and truer relationships of our life should arm us for the struggle1 the prayers of a mother1 the sorrow of true friends4 ,this is the fear1 countless times1 in the hearts of the folks at home when their boy leaves them to win his way in the city1 the deadly fear lest he should fall into evil habits1 and into the clutches of evil men4 ,they know that there are men whose touch1 whose words1 whose very look1 is contamination4 ,to give them entrance into our lives is to submit ourselves to the contagion of sin4 ,friends should be chosen by a higher principle of selection than any worldly one1 of pleasure1 or usefulness1 or by weak submission to the evil influences of our lot4 ,they should be chosen for character1 for goodness1 for truth and trustworthiness1 because they have sympathy with us in our best thoughts and holiest aspirations1 because they have community of mind in the things of the soul4 ,all other connections are fleeting and imperfect from the nature of the case4 ,a relationship based on the physical withers when the first bloom fades3 a relationship founded on the intellectual is only a little more secure1 as it too is subject to caprice4 ,all purely earthly partnerships1 like all earthly treasures1 are exposed to decay1 the bite of the moth and the stain of the rust2 and they must all have an end4 ,a young man may get opposing advice from two equally trusted counsellors4 ,one will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the clever1 because they will afterward occupy places of power in the world3 the other will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the good1 because if they do not inherit the earth1 they aspire to the heavens4 ,if he knows the character of the two counsellors1 he will understand why they should look upon life from such different standpoints2 and later on he will find that while some of his friends were both clever and good1 not one of the purely intellectual friendships remains to him4 ,it does not afford a sufficient basis of agreement1 to stand the tear and wear of life4 ,the basis of friendship must be community of soul4 ,the only permanent severance of heart comes through lack of a common spiritual footing4 ,if one soul goes up the mountain top1 and the other stays down among the shadows1 if the two have not the same high thoughts1 and pure desires1 and ideals of service1 they cannot remain together except in form4 ,friends need not be identical in temperament and capacity1 but they must be alike in sympathy4 ,an unequal yoke becomes either an intolerable burden1 or will drag one of the partners away from the path his soul at its best would have loved to tread4 ,if you loved only what were worth your love1 ,love were clear gain1 and wholly well for you4 ,if we choose our friends in ,christ1 neither here1 nor ever1 need we fear parting1 and will have the secure joy and peace which come from having a friend who is as one's own soul4 ,the ,eclipse of ,friendship ,for ,lycidas is dead1 dead ere his prime1 ,young ,lycidas1 and hath not left his pew4 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,weep no more1 woeful shepherds1 weep no more ,for ,lycidas1 your sorrow1 is not dead4 ,sunk though he be beneath the watery flow4 ,so sinks the day-star in the ocean bed1 ,and yet anon repairs his drooping head1 ,and tricks his beams1 and with new-spangled ore ,flames in the forehead of the morning sky3 ,so ,lycidas sunk low1 but mounted high1 ,through the dear might of ,him that walked the waves4 ,,milton4 ,the ,eclipse of ,friendship ,as it is one of the greatest joys of life when a kindred soul is for the first time recognized and claimed1 so it is one of the bitterest moments of life when the first rupture is made of the ties which bind us to other lives4 ,before it comes1 it is hard to believe that it is possible1 if we ever think of it at all4 ,when it does come1 it is harder still to understand the meaning of the blow4 ,the miracle of friendship seemed too fair1 to carry in its bosom the menace of its loss4 ,we knew1 of course1 that such things had been1 and must be1 but we never quite realized what it would be to be the victims of the common doom of man4 ,if it only came as a sudden pain1 that passes after its brief spasm of agony1 it would not be so sore an affliction2 but when it comes1 it comes to stay4 ,there remains a place in our hearts which is tender to every touch1 and it is touched so often4 ,we survive the shock of the moment easier than the constant reminder of our loss4 ,the old familiar face1 debarred to the sense of sight1 can be recalled by a stray word1 a casual sight1 a chance memory4 ,the closer the intercourse had been1 the more things there are in our lives associated with him--things that we did together1 places that we visited together1 thoughts even that we thought together4 ,there seems no region of life where we can escape from the suggestions of memory4 ,the sight of any little object can bring him back1 with his way of speaking1 with his tricks of gesture1 with all the qualities for which we loved him1 and for which we mourn him now4 ,if the intimacy was due to mere physical proximity1 the loss will be only a vague sense of uneasiness through the breakdown of long-continued habit2 but1 if the two lives were woven into the same web1 there must be ragged edges left1 and it is a weary task to take up the threads again1 and find a new woof for the warp4 ,the closer the connection has been1 the keener is the loss4 ,it comes back to us at the sight of the many things associated with him1 and1 fill up our lives with countless distractions as we may1 the shadow creeps back to darken the world4 ,sometimes there is the added pain of remorse that we did not enough appreciate the treasure we possessed4 ,in thoughtlessness we accepted the gift2 we had so little idea of the true value of his friendship2 we loved so little1 and were so impatient3--if only we had him back again2 if only we had one more opportunity to show him how dear he was2 if only we had another chance of proving ourselves worthy4 ,we can hardly forgive ourselves that we were so cold and selfish4 ,self-reproach1 the regret of the unaccepted opportunity1 is one of the commonest feelings after bereavement1 and it is one of the most blessed4 ,still1 it may become a morbid feeling4 ,it is a false sentimentalism which lives in the past1 and lavishes its tenderness on memory4 ,it is difficult to say what is the dividing line between healthy sorrow and morbid sentiment4 ,it seems a natural instinct1 which makes the bereaved care lovingly for the very grave1 and which makes the mother keep locked up the little shoes worn by the little feet1 relics hid from the vulgar eye4 ,the instinct has become a little more morbid1 when it has preserved the room of a dead mother1 with its petty decorations and ornaments as she left them4 ,beautiful as the instinct may be1 there is nothing so dangerous as when our most natural feeling turns morbid4 ,it is always a temptation1 which grows stronger the longer we live1 to look back instead of forward1 to bemoan the past1 and thus deride the present and distrust the future4 ,we must not forget our present blessings1 the love we still possess1 the gracious influences that remain1 and most of all the duties that claim our strength4 ,the loving women who went early in the morning to the sepulchre of the buried ,christ were met with a rebuke1 ,why seek ye the living among the dead8 ,they were sent back to life to find ,him1 and sent back to life to do honor to ,his death4 ,not by ointments and spices1 however precious1 nor at the rock-hewn tomb1 could they best remember their ,lord2 but out in the world1 which that morning had seemed so cold and cheerless1 and in their lives1 which then had seemed not worth living4 ,christianity does not condemn any natural human feeling1 but it will not let these interfere with present duty and destroy future usefulness4 ,it does not send men to search for the purpose of living in the graves of their dead hopes and pleasures4 ,its disciples must not attempt to live on the relics of even great incidents1 among crucifixes and tombs4 ,in the ,desert1 the heart must reach forward to the ,promised ,land1 and not back to ,egypt4 ,the ,christian faith is for the future1 because it believes in the ,god of the future4 ,the world is not a lumber room1 full of relics and remembrances1 over which to brood4 ,we are asked to remember the beautiful past which was ours1 and the beautiful lives which we have lost1 by making the present beautiful like it1 and our lives beautiful like theirs4 ,it is human to think that life has no future1 if now it seems dark with griefs and graves4 ,it comes like a shock to find that we must bury our sorrow1 and come into contact with the hard world again1 and live our common life once more4 ,the ,christian learns to do it1 not because he has a short memory1 but because he has a long faith4 ,the voice of inspiration is heard oftener through the realities of life1 than through vain regrets and recluse dreams4 ,the ,christian life must be in its degree something like the ,master's own life1 luminous with ,his hope1 and surrounded by a bracing atmosphere which uplifts all who even touch its outer fringe4 ,the great fact of life1 nevertheless1 is death1 and it must have a purpose to serve and a lesson to teach4 ,it seems to lose something of its impressiveness1 because it is universal4 ,the very inevitableness of it seems to kill thought1 rather than induce it4 ,it is only when the blow strikes home1 that we are pulled up and forced to face the fact4 ,theoretically there is a wonderful unanimity among men1 regarding the shortness of life and the uncertainty of all human relationships4 ,the last word of the wise on life has ever been its fleetingness1 its appalling changes1 its unexpected surprises4 ,the only certainty of life is its uncertainty--its unstable tenure1 its inevitable end4 ,but practically we go on as if we could lay our plans1 and mortgage time1 without doubt or danger2 until our feet are knocked from under us by some sudden shock1 and we realize how unstable the equilibrium of life really is4 ,the lesson of life is death4 ,the experience would not be so tragically universal1 if it had not a good and necessary meaning4 ,for one thing it should sober us1 and make our lives full of serious1 solemn purpose4 ,it should teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts to wisdom4 ,the man1 who has no place for death in his philosophy1 has not learned to live4 ,the lesson of death is life4 ,on the whole1 however1 it is not our own liability to death which oppresses us4 ,the fear of it to a brave man1 not to speak of a man of faith1 can be overcome4 ,it is the fear of it for others whom we love1 which is its sting4 ,and none of us can live very long without knowing in our own heart's experience the reality1 as well as the terror1 of death4 ,this too has its meaning for us1 to look at life more tenderly1 and touch it more gently4 ,the pathos of life is only a forced sentiment to us1 if we have not felt the pity of life4 ,to a sensitive soul1 smarting with his own loss1 the world sometimes seems full of graves1 and for a time at least makes him walk softly among men4 ,this is one reason why the making of new friends is so much easier in youth than later on4 ,friendship comes to youth seemingly without any conditions1 and without any fears4 ,there is no past to look back at1 with much regret and some sorrow4 ,we never look behind us1 till we miss something4 ,youth is satisfied with the joy of present possession4 ,to the young friendship comes as the glory of spring1 a very miracle of beauty1 a mystery of birth3 to the old it has the bloom of autumn1 beautiful still1 but with the beauty of decay4 ,to the young it is chiefly hope3 to the old it is mostly memory4 ,the man who is conscious that he has lost the best of his days1 the best of his powers1 the best of his friends1 naturally lives a good deal in the past4 ,such a man is prepared for further losses2 he has adjusted himself to the fact of death4 ,at first1 we cannot believe that it can happen to us and to our love2 or1 if the thought comes to us1 it is an event too far in the future to ruffle the calm surface of our heart4 ,and yet1 it must come2 from it none can escape4 ,most can remember a night of waiting1 too stricken for prayer1 too numb of heart even for feeling1 vaguely expecting the blow to strike us out of the dark4 ,a strange sense of the unreality of things came over us1 when the black wave submerged us and passed on4 ,we went out into the sunshine1 and it seemed to mock us4 ,we entered again among the busy ways of men1 and the roar of life beat upon our brain and heart1 ,yet in these ears1 till hearing dies1 ,one set slow bell will seem to toll1 ,the passing of the sweetest soul ,that ever looked with human eyes4 ,was it worth while to have linked our lives on to other lives1 and laid ourselves open to such desolation8 ,would it not be better to go through the world1 without joining ourselves too closely to the fleeting bonds of other loves8 ,why deliberately add to our disabilities8 ,but it is not a disability2 rather1 the great purpose of all our living is to learn love1 even though we must experience the pains of love as well as the joys4 ,to cut ourselves off from this lot of the human would be to impoverish our lives1 and deprive ourselves of the culture of the heart1 which1 if a man has not learned1 he has learned nothing4 ,whatever the risks to our happiness1 we cannot stand out from the lot of man1 without ceasing to be men in the only true sense4 ,it is not easy to solve the problem of sorrow4 ,indeed there is no solution of it1 unless the individual soul works out its own solution4 ,most attempts at a philosophy of sorrow just end in high-sounding words4 ,explanations1 which profess to cover all the ground1 are as futile as the ordinary blundering attempts at comfort1 which only charm ache with sound and patch grief with proverbs4 ,the sorrow of our hearts is not appreciably lessened by argument4 ,any kind of philosophy--any wordy explanation of the problem--is at the best poor comfort4 ,it is not the problem which brings the pain in the first instance3 it is the pain which brings the problem4 ,the heart's bitterness is not allayed by an exposition of the doctrine of providence4 ,rachel who weeps for her children1 the father whose little daughter lies dead at home1 are not to be appeased in their anguish by a nicely-balanced system of thought4 ,nor is surcease of sorrow thus brought to the man to whom has come a bereavement1 or a succession of bereavements1 which makes him feel that all the glory and joy of life1 its friendship and love and hope1 have gone down into the grave1 so that he can say1 ,three dead men have ,i loved1 ,and thou wert last of the three4 ,at the same time1 if it be true that there is a meaning in friendship1 a spiritual discipline to educate the heart and train the life1 it must also be true that there is equally a meaning in the eclipse of friendship4 ,if we have enough faith to see death to be good1 we will find out for ourselves why it is good4 ,it may teach us just what we were in danger of forgetting1 some omission in our lives1 which was making them shallow and poor4 ,it may be to one a sight into the mystery of sin2 to another a sight into the mystery of love4 ,to one it comes with the lesson of patience1 which is only a side of the lesson of faith2 to another it brings the message of sympathy4 ,as we turn the subject toward the light1 there come gleams of color from different facets of it4 ,all life is an argument for death4 ,we cannot persist long in the effort to live the ,christian life1 without feeling the need for death4 ,the higher the aims1 and the truer the aspirations1 the greater is the burden of living1 until it would become intolerable4 ,sooner or later we are forced to make the confession of ,job1 ,i would not live alway4 ,to live forever in this sordidness1 to have no reprieve from the doom of sin1 no truce from the struggle of sin1 would be a fearful fate4 ,to the ,christian1 therefore1 death cannot be looked on as evil2 first1 because it is universal1 and it is universal because it is ,god-ordained4 ,in ,st4 ,peter's1 at ,rome1 there are many tombs1 in which death is symbolized in its traditional form as a skeleton1 with the fateful hourglass and the fearful scythe4 ,death is the rude reaper1 who cruelly cuts off life and all the joy of life4 ,but there is one in which death is sculptured as a sweet gentle motherly woman1 who takes her wearied child home to safer and surer keeping4 ,it is a truer thought than the other4 ,death is a minister of ,god1 doing ,his pleasure1 and doing us good4 ,again1 it cannot be evil because it means a fuller life1 and therefore an opportunity for fuller and further service4 ,faith will not let a man hasten the climax2 for it is in the hands of love1 as he himself is4 ,but death is the climax of life4 ,for if all life is an argument for death1 then so also all death is an argument for life4 ,jowett says1 in one of his letters1 ,i cannot sympathize in all the grounds of consolation that are sometimes offered on these melancholy occasions1 but there are two things which have always seemed to me unchangeable3 first1 that the dead are in the hands of ,god1 who can do for them more than we can ask or have2 and secondly1 with respect to ourselves1 that such losses deepen our views of life1 and make us feel that we would not always be here4 ,these are two noble grounds of consolation1 and they are enough4 ,death is the great argument for immortality4 ,we cannot believe that the living1 loving soul has ceased to be4 ,we cannot believe that all those treasures of mind and heart are squandered in empty air4 ,we will not believe it4 ,when once we understand the meaning of the spiritual1 we see the absolute certainty of eternal life2 we need no arguments for the persistence of being4 ,to appear for a little time and then vanish away1 is the outward biography of all men1 a circle of smoke that breaks1 a bubble on the stream that bursts1 a spark put out by a breath4 ,but there is another biography1 a deeper and a permanent one1 the biography of the soul4 ,everything that appears vanishes away3 that is its fate1 the fate of the everlasting hills as well as of the vapor that caps them4 ,but that which does not appear1 the spiritual and unseen1 which we in our folly sometimes doubt because it does not appear1 is the only reality2 it is eternal and passeth not away4 ,the material in nature is only the garb of the spiritual1 as speech is the clothing of thought4 ,with our vulgar standards we often think of the thought as the unsubstantial and the shadowy1 and the speech as the real4 ,but speech dies upon the passing wind2 the thought alone remains4 ,we consider the sound to be the music1 whereas it is only the expression of the music1 and vanishes away4 ,behind the material world1 which waxes old as a garment1 there is an eternal principle1 the thought of ,god it represents4 ,above the sounds there is the music that can never die4 ,beneath our lives1 which vanish away1 there is a vital thing1 spirit4 ,we cannot locate it and put our finger on it2 that is why it is permanent4 ,the things we can put our finger on are the things which appear1 and therefore which fade and die4 ,so1 death to the spiritual mind is only eclipse4 ,when there is an eclipse of the sun it does not mean that the sun is blotted out of the heavens3 it only means that there is a temporary obstruction between it and us4 ,if we wait a little1 it passes4 ,love cannot die4 ,its forms may change1 even its objects1 but its life is the life of the universe4 ,it is not death1 but sleep3 not loss1 but eclipse4 ,the love is only transfigured into something more ethereal and heavenly than ever before4 ,happy to have friends on earth1 but happier to have friends in heaven4 ,and it need not be even eclipse1 except in outward form4 ,communion with the unseen can mean true correspondence with all we have loved and lost1 if only our souls were responsive4 ,the highest love is not starved by the absence of its object2 it rather becomes more tender and spiritual1 with more of the ideal in it4 ,ordinary affection1 on a lower plane1 dependent on physical attraction1 or on the earthly side of life1 naturally crumbles to dust when its foundation is removed4 ,but love is independent of time or space1 and as a matter of fact is purified and intensified by absence4 ,separation of friends is not a physical thing4 ,lives can be sundered as if divided by infinite distance1 even although materially they are near each other4 ,this tragedy is often enough enacted in our midst4 ,the converse is also true2 so that friendship does not really lose by death3 it lays up treasure in heaven1 and leaves the very earth a sacred place1 made holy by happy memories4 ,the ruins of ,time build mansions in ,eternity1 said ,william ,blake1 speaking of the death of a loved brother1 with whose spirit he never ceased to converse4 ,there are people in our homes and our streets whose highest life is with the dead4 ,they live in another world4 ,we can see in their eyes that their hearts are not here4 ,it is as if they already saw the land that is very far off4 ,it is only far off to our gross insensate senses4 ,the spiritual world is not outside this earth of ours4 ,it includes it and pervades it1 finding a new centre for a new circumference in every loving soul that has eyes to see the ,kingdom4 ,so1 to hold commerce with the dead is not a mere figure of speech4 ,heaven lies about us not only in our infancy1 but all our lives4 ,we blind ourselves with dust1 and in our blindness lay hold feverishly of the outside of life1 mistaking the fugitive and evanescent for the truly permanent4 ,if we only used our capacities we would take a more enlightened view of death4 ,we would see it to be the entrance into a more radiant and a more abundant life not only for the friend that goes first1 but for the other left behind4 ,spiritual communion cannot possibly be interrupted by a physical change4 ,it is because there is so little of the spiritual in our ordinary intercourse that death means silence and an end to communion4 ,there is a picture of death1 which1 when looked at with the ordinary perspective1 seems to be a hideous skull1 but when seen near at hand is composed of flowers1 with the eyes1 in the seemingly empty sockets of the skull1 formed by two fair faces of children4 ,death at a distance looks horrible1 the ghastly spectre of the race2 but with the near vision it is beautiful with youth and flowers1 and when we look into its eyes we look into the stirrings of life4 ,love is the only permanent relationship among men1 and the permanence is not an accident of it1 but is of its very essence4 ,when released from the mere magnetism of sense1 instead of ceasing to exist1 it only then truly comes into its largest life4 ,if our life were more a life in the spirit1 we would be sure that death can be at the worst but the eclipse of friendship4 ,tennyson felt this truth in his own experience1 and expressed it in noble form again and again in ,in ,memoriam-- ,sweet human hand and lips and eye1 ,dear heavenly friend that canst not die2 ,strange friend1 past1 present1 and to be2 ,loved deeplier1 darklier understood2 ,behold ,i dream a dream of good1 ,and mingle all the world with thee4 ,thy voice is on the rolling air2 ,i hear thee where the waters run2 ,thou standest in the rising sun1 ,and in the setting thou art fair4 ,it is not loss1 but momentary eclipse1 and the final issue is a clearer perception of immortal love1 and a deeper consciousness of eternal life4 ,the attitude of mind1 therefore1 in any such bereavement--sore as the first stroke must be1 since we are so much the creatures of habit1 and it is hard to adjust ourselves to the new relationship--cannot be an attitude merely of resignation4 ,that was the extent to which the imperfect revelation of the ,old ,testament brought men4 ,they had to rest in their knowledge of ,god's faithfulness and goodness4 ,the limit of their faith was1 ,the ,lord gave1 and the ,lord hath taken away4 ,but to resignation we can add joy4 ,not dead1 but sleepeth1 said the ,master of death and life to a sorrowing man4 ,for one thing it must mean the hallowing of memory4 ,the eclipse of love makes the love fairer when the eclipse passes4 ,the loss of the outward purifies the affection and softens the heart4 ,it brings out into fact what was often only latent in feeling4 ,memory adds a tender glory to the past4 ,we only think of the virtues of the dead3 we forget their faults4 ,this is as it should be4 ,we rightly love the immortal part of them2 the fire has burned up the dross and left pure gold4 ,if it is idealization1 it represents that which will be1 and that which really is4 ,we do not ask to forget2 we do not want the so-called consolations which time brings4 ,such an insult to the past1 as forgetfulness would be1 means that we have not risen to the possibilities of communion of spirit afforded us in the present4 ,we would rather that the wound should be ever fresh than that the image of the dear past should fade4 ,it would be a loss to our best life if it would fade4 ,there is no sting in such a faith4 ,such remembrance as this1 which keeps the heart green1 will not cumber the life4 ,true sentiment does not weaken1 but becomes an inspiration to make our life worthy of our love4 ,it can save even a squalid lot from sordidness2 for however poor we may be in the world's goods1 we are rich in happy associations in the past1 and in sweet communion in the present1 and in blessed hope for the future4 ,the ,wreck of ,friendship ,they parted--ne'er to meet again6 ,but never either found another ,to free the hollow heart from paining-- ,they stood aloof1 the scars remaining1 ,like cliffs which had been rent asunder1 ,a dreary sea now rolls between2 ,but neither heat1 nor frost1 nor thunder1 ,shall wholly do away1 ,i ween1 ,the marks of that which once hath been4 ,,coleridge1 ,christabel4 ,the ,wreck of ,friendship ,the eclipse of friendship through death is not nearly so sad as the many ways in which friendship may be wrecked4 ,there are worse losses than the losses of death2 and to bury a friendship is a keener grief than to bury a friend4 ,the latter softens the heart and sweetens the life1 while the former hardens and embitters4 ,the ,persian poet ,hafiz says1 ,thou learnest no secret until thou knowest friendship2 since to the unloving no heavenly knowledge enters4 ,but so imperfect are our human relationships1 that many a man has felt that he has bought his knowledge too dearly4 ,few of us go through the world without some scars on the heart1 which even yet throb if the finger of memory touch them4 ,in spite of all that has been said1 and may be said in praise of this golden friendship1 it has been too often found how vain is the help of man4 ,the deepest tragedies of life have been the failure of this very relationship4 ,in one way or other the loss of friendship comes to all4 ,the shores of life are strewn with wrecks4 ,the convoy which left the harbor gaily in the sunshine cannot all expect to arrive together in the haven4 ,there are the danger of storms and collisions1 the separation of the night1 and even at the best1 if accidents never occur1 the whole company cannot all keep up with the speed of the swiftest4 ,there is a certain pathos in all loss1 but there is not always pain in it1 or at least it is of varied quality and extent4 ,some losses are natural and unavoidable1 quite beyond our control1 the result of resistless change4 ,some loss is even the necessary accompaniment of gain4 ,the loss of youth with all its possessions is the gain of manhood and womanhood4 ,a man must put away childish things1 the speech and understanding and thought of a child4 ,so the loss of some friendship comes as a part of the natural course of things1 and is accepted without mutilating the life4 ,many of our connections with people are admittedly casual and temporary4 ,they exist for mutual convenience through common interest at the time1 or common purpose1 or common business4 ,none of the partners asks for more than the advantage each derives from the connection4 ,when it comes to an end1 we let slip the cable easily1 and say good-bye with a cheery wave4 ,with many people we meet and part in all friendliness and good feeling1 and will be glad to meet again1 but the parting does not tear our affections by the roots4 ,when the business is transacted the tie is loosed1 and we each go our separate ways without much regret4 ,at other times there is no thought of gain1 except the mutual advantage of conversation or companionship4 ,we are pleasant to each other1 and enjoy the intercourse of kindred tastes4 ,most of us have some pleasant recollections of happy meetings with interesting people1 perhaps on holiday times1 when we felt we would be glad to see them again if fortune turned round the wheel again to the same place2 but1 though hardly ever did it come about that an opportunity of meeting has occurred1 we do not feel that our life is much the poorer for the loss4 ,also1 we grow out of some of our friendships4 ,this is to be expected1 since so many of them are formed thoughtlessly1 or before we really knew either ourselves or our friends4 ,they never meant very much to us4 ,most boyish friendships as a rule do not last long1 because they are not based on the qualities which wear well4 ,schoolboy comradeships are usually due to propinquity rather than to character4 ,they are the fruit of accident rather than of affinity of soul4 ,boys grow out of these as they grow out of their clothes4 ,now and again they suffer from growing pains1 but it is more discomfort than anything else4 ,it is sad to look back and realize how few of one's early companionships remain1 but it is not possible to blame either party for the loss4 ,distance1 separation of interest1 difference of work1 all operate to divide4 ,when athletics seemed the end of existence1 friendship was based on football and baseball4 ,but as life opens out1 other standards are set up1 and a new principle of selection takes its place4 ,when the world is seen to be more than a ball-ground1 when it is recognized to be a stage oh which men play many parts1 a new sort of intimacy is demanded1 and it does not follow that it will be with the same persons4 ,such loss as this is the condition which accompanies the gain of growth4 ,there is more chance for the permanence of friendships formed a little later4 ,it must not be too long after this period1 however2 for1 when the generous time of youth has wholly passed1 it becomes hard to make new connections4 ,men get over-burdened with cares and personal concerns1 and grow cautious about making advances4 ,in youth the heart is responsive and ready to be generous1 and the hand aches for the grasp of a comrade's hand1 and the mind demands fellowship in the great thoughts that are beginning to dawn upon it4 ,the closest friendships are formed early in life1 just because then we are less cautious1 more open to impressions1 and readier to welcome self-revelations4 ,after middle life a man does not find it easy to give himself away1 and keeps a firmer hand on his feelings4 ,whatever are the faults of youth1 it is unworldly in its estimates as a rule1 and uncalculating in its thoughts of the future4 ,the danger to such friendship is the danger of just letting it lapse4 ,as life spreads out before the eager feet1 new interests crop up1 new relations are formed1 and the old tie gets worn away1 from want of adding fresh strands to it4 ,we may believe the advice about not forsaking an old friend because the new is not comparable to him1 but we can neglect it by merely letting things slip past1 which if used would be a new bond of union4 ,as it is easier for some temperaments to make friends1 it is easier for some dispositions to keep them4 ,little faults of manner1 little occasions of thoughtlessness1 or lack of the little courtesies1 do more to separate people than glaring mistakes4 ,there are some men so built that it is difficult to remain on very close terms with them1 there are so many corners to knock against4 ,even strength of character1 if unmodified by sweetness of disposition1 adds to the difficulty of pulling together4 ,strong will can so easily develop into self-will2 decision can become dogmatism2 wit1 the salt of conversation1 loses its savor when it becomes ill-natured2 a faculty for argument is in danger of being mere quarrelsomeness4 ,the ordinary amenities of life must be preserved among friends4 ,we can never feel very safe with the man whose humor tends to bitter speaking or keen sarcasm1 or with the man who flares up into hasty speech at every or no provocation1 or with the man who is argumentative and assertive1-- ,who 'd rather on a gibbet dangle ,than miss his dear delight to wrangle4 ,there are more breaches of the peace among friends through sins of speech1 than from any other cause4 ,we do not treat our friends with enough respect4 ,we make the vulgar mistake of looking upon the common as if it were therefore cheap in nature4 ,we ought rather to treat our friend with a sort of sacred familiarity1 as if we appreciated the precious gift his friendship is4 ,every change in a man's life brings a risk of letting go something of the past1 which it is a loss to part with4 ,a change of work1 or a change of residence1 or entrance into a larger sphere1 brings a certain engrossment which leads to neglect of the richest intercourse in the past life4 ,to many a man1 even marriage has had a drop of bitterness in it1 because it has somehow meant the severing of old and sacred links4 ,this may be due to the vulgar reason of wives' quarrels1 the result of petty jealousy2 but it may be due also to pre-occupation and a subtle form of selfishness4 ,the fire needs to be kept alive with fuel4 ,to preserve it1 there must be forethought1 and care1 and love expended as before4 ,friendship may lapse through the misfortune of distance4 ,absence does not always make the heart grow fonder4 ,it only does so1 when the heart is securely fixed1 and when it is a heart worth fixing4 ,more often the other proverb is truer1 that it is out of sight out of mind4 ,it is so easy for a man to become self-centred1 and to impoverish his affections through sheer neglect4 ,ties once close get frayed and strained till they break1 and we discover that we have said farewell to the past4 ,some kind of intercourse is needed to maintain friendship4 ,there is a pathos about this gradual drifting away of lives1 borne from each other1 it sometimes seems1 by opposing tides1 as if a resistless power separated them1 ,and bade betwixt their souls to be ,the unplumbed1 salt1 estranging sea4 ,or friendship may lapse through the fault of silence4 ,the misfortune of distance may be overcome by love1 but the fault of silence crushes out feeling as the falling rain kills the kindling beacon4 ,even the estrangements and misunderstandings which will arise to all could not long remain1 where there is a frank and candid interchange of thought4 ,hearts grow cold toward each other through neglect4 ,there is a suggestive word from the old ,scandinavian ,edda1 ,go often to the house of thy friend2 for weeds soon choke up the unused path4 ,it is hard to overcome again the alienation caused by neglect2 for there grows up a sense of resentment and injured feeling4 ,among the petty things which wreck friendships1 none is so common and so unworthy as money4 ,it is pitiable that it should be so4 ,thackeray speaks of the remarkable way in which a five-pound note will break up a half-century's attachment between two brethren1 and it is a common cynical remark of the world that the way to lose a friend is to lend him money4 ,there is nothing which seems to affect the mind more1 and color the very heart's blood1 than money4 ,there seems a curse in it sometimes1 so potent is it for mischief4 ,poverty1 if it be too oppressive grinding down the face1 may often hurt the heart-life2 but perhaps oftener still it only reveals what true treasures there are in the wealth of the affections4 ,whereas1 we know what heartburnings1 and rivalries1 and envyings1 are occasioned by this golden apple of discord4 ,most of the disputes which separate brethren are about the dividing of the inheritance1 and it does seem to be the case that few friendships can survive the test of money4 ,neither a borrower1 nor a lender be2 ,for loan oft loses both itself and friend4 ,there must be something wrong with the friendship which so breaks down4 ,it ought to be able to stand a severer strain than that4 ,but the inner reason of the failure is often that there has been a moral degeneracy going on1 and a weakening of the fibre of character on one side1 or on both sides4 ,the particular dispute1 whether it be about money or about anything else1 is only the occasion which reveals the slackening of the morale4 ,the innate delicacy and self-respect of the friend who asks the favor may have been damaged through a series of similar importunities1 or there may have been a growing hardness of heart and selfishness in the friend who refuses the request4 ,otherwise1 if two are on terms of communion1 it is hard to see why the giving or receiving of this service should be any more unworthy than any other help1 which friends can grant to each other4 ,true commerce of the heart should make all other needful commerce possible4 ,communion includes communism4 ,to have things in common does not seem difficult1 when there is love in common4 ,friendship has also been wrecked by outside means1 by the evil of others1 through the evil speaking1 or the envy1 or the whispering tongues that delight in scandal4 ,some mean natures rejoice in sowing discord1 carrying tales with just the slightest turn of a phrase1 or even a tone of the voice1 which gives a sinister reading to an innocent word or act4 ,frankness can always prevent such from permanently wrecking friendship4 ,besides1 we should judge no man1 still less a trusted friend1 by a report of an incident or a hasty word4 ,we should judge our friend by his record1 by what we know of his character4 ,when anything inconsistent with that character comes before our notice1 it is only justice to him to at least suspend judgment1 and it would be wisdom to refuse to credit it at all4 ,we sometimes wonder to find a friend cold and distant to us1 and perhaps we moralize on the fickleness and inconstancy of men1 but the reason may be to seek in ourselves4 ,we cannot expect the pleasure of friendship without the duty1 the privilege without the responsibility4 ,we cannot break off the threads of the web1 and then1 when the mood is on us1 continue it as though nothing had happened4 ,if such a breakage has occurred1 we must go back and patiently join the threads together again4 ,thoughtlessness has done more harm in this respect than ill-will4 ,if we have lost a friend through selfish neglect1 the loss is ours1 and we cannot expect to take up the story where we left off years ago4 ,there is a serene impudence about the treatment some mete out to their friends1 dropping them whenever it suits1 and thinking to take them up when it happens once more to suit4 ,we cannot expect to walk with another1 when we have gone for miles along another way4 ,we will have to go back1 and catch him up again4 ,if the fault has been ours1 desire and shame will give our feet wings4 ,the real source of separation is ultimately a spiritual one4 ,we cannot walk with another unless we are agreed4 ,the lapse of friendship is often due to this1 that one has let the other travel on alone4 ,if one has sought pleasure1 and the other has sought truth2 if one has cumbered his life with the trivial and the petty1 and the other has filled his with high thoughts and noble aspirations2 if their hearts are on different levels1 it is natural that they should now be apart4 ,we cannot stay behind with the camp-followers1 and at the same time fight in the van with the heroes4 ,if we would keep our best friends1 we must go with them in sympathy1 and be able to share their thoughts4 ,in the letters of ,dean ,stanley1 there is one from ,jowett to ,stanley1 which brings out this necessity4 ,i earnestly hope that the friendship1 which commenced between us many years ago1 may be a blessing to last us through life4 ,i feel that if it is to be so we must both go onward1 otherwise the tear and wear of life1 and the 'having travelled over each other's minds1' and a thousand accidents will be sufficient to break it off4 ,i have often felt the inability to converse with you1 but never for an instant the least alienation4 ,there is no one who would not think me happy in having such a friend4 ,it is not1 however1 so much the equal pace of the mind which is necessary1 as the equal pace of the spirit4 ,we may think about a very brilliant friend that he will outstrip us1 and outgrow us4 ,the fear is natural1 but if there be spiritual oneness it is an unfounded fear4 ,yet oft1 when sundown skirts the moor1 ,an inner trouble ,i behold1 ,a spectral doubt which makes me cold1 ,that ,i should be thy mate no more4 ,but love is not dependent on intellect4 ,the great bond of union is not that both parties are alike in mind1 but that they are akin in soul4 ,mere intellect only divides men further than the ordinary natural and artificial distinctions that already exist4 ,there are endless instances of this disuniting influence to be seen1 in the contempt of learning for ignorance1 the derisive attitude which knowledge assumes toward simplicity1 the metropolitan disdain for provincial ,galilee1 the rabies theologica which is ever ready to declare that this people that knoweth not the law is accursed4 ,it is love1 not logic1 which can unite men4 ,love is the one solvent to break down all barriers1 and love has other grounds for its existence than merely intellectual ones4 ,so that although similarity of taste is another bond and is perhaps necessary for the perfect friendship1 it is not its foundation2 and if the foundation be not undermined1 there is no reason why difference of mental power should wreck the structure4 ,however it happen that friends are separated1 it is always sad2 for the loss of a friendship is the loss of an ideal4 ,sadder than the pathos of unmated hearts is the pathos of severed souls4 ,it is always a pain to find a friend look on us with cold stranger's eyes1 and to know ourselves dead of hopes of future intimacy4 ,it is a pain even when we have nothing to blame ourselves with1 much more so when we feel that ours is the fault4 ,it would not seem to matter very much1 if it were not such a loss to both2 for friendship is one of the appointed means of saving the life from worldliness and selfishness4 ,it is the greatest education in the world2 for it is education of the whole man1 of the affections as well as the intellect4 ,nothing of worldly success can make up for the want of it4 ,and true friendship is also a moral preservative4 ,it teaches something of the joy of service1 and the beauty of sacrifice4 ,we cannot live an utterly useless life1 if we have to think for1 and act for1 another4 ,it keeps love in the heart1 and keeps ,god in the life4 ,the greatest and most irretrievable wreck of friendship is the result of a moral breakdown in one of the associates4 ,worse than the separation of the grave is the desolation of the heart by faithlessness4 ,more impassable than the gulf of distance with the estranging sea1 more separating than the gulf of death1 is the great gulf fixed between souls through deceit and shame4 ,it is as the sin of ,judas4 ,said a sorrowful ,psalmist1 who had known this experience1 ,mine own familiar friend in whom ,i trusted1 which did eat of my bread1 hath lifted up his heel against me4 ,and another ,psalmist sobs out the same lament1 ,it was not an enemy that reproached me1 then ,i could have borne it1 but it was thou1 a man mine equal1 my guide and mine acquaintance4 ,we took sweet counsel together1 and walked into the house of ,god in company4 ,the loss of a friend by any of the common means is not so hard1 as to find a friend faithless4 ,the trustful soul has often been disillusioned thus4 ,the rod has broken in the hand that leaned on it1 and has left its red wound on the palm4 ,there is a deeper wound on the heart4 ,the result of such a breakdown of comradeship is often bitterness1 and cynical distrust of man4 ,it is this experience which gives point to the worldling's sneer1 ,defend me from my friends1 ,i can defend myself from my enemies4 ,we cannot wonder sometimes at the cynicism4 ,it is like treason within the camp1 against which no man can guard4 ,it is a stab in the back1 a cowardly assassination of the heart4 ,treachery like this usually means a sudden fall from the ideal for the deceived one1 and the ideal can only be recovered1 if at all1 by a slow and toilsome ascent1 foot by foot and step by step4 ,failure of one often leads to distrust of all4 ,this is the terrible responsibility of friendship4 ,we have more than the happiness of our friend in our power2 we1 have his faith4 ,most men who are cynical about women are so1 because of the inconstancy of one4 ,most sneers at friendship are1 to begin with at least1 the expression of individual pain1 because the man has known the shock of the lifted heel4 ,distrust works havoc on the character2 for it ends in unbelief of goodness itself4 ,and distrust always meets with its own likeness1 and is paid back in its own coin4 ,suspicion breeds suspicion1 and the conduct of life on such principles becomes a tug-of-war in which ,greek is matched with ,greek4 ,the social virtues1 which keep the whole community together1 are thus closely allied to the supreme virtue of friendship4 ,aristotle had reason in making it the nexus between his ,ethics and his ,politics4 ,truth1 good faith1 honest dealing between man and man1 are necessary for any kind of intercourse1 even that of business4 ,men can do nothing with each other1 if they have not a certain minimum of trust4 ,there have been times when there seems to be almost an epidemic of faithlessness1 when the social bond seems loosened1 when men's hands are raised against each other1 when confidence is paralyzed1 and people hardly know whom to trust4 ,the prophet ,micah1 who lived in such a time1 expresses this state of distrust3 ,trust ye not any friend1 put ye no confidence in a familiar friend4 ,a man's enemies are of his own household4 ,this means anarchy1 and society becomes like a bundle of sticks with the cord cut4 ,the cause is always a decay of religion2 for law is based on morality1 and morality finds its strongest sanction in religion4 ,selfishness results in anarchy1 a reversion to the ,ishmaelite type of life4 ,the story of the ,french ,revolution has in it some of the darkest pages in the history of modern civilization1 due to the breakdown of social trust4 ,the ,revolution1 like ,saturn1 took to devouring her own children4 ,suspicion1 during the reign of terror1 brooded over the heads of men1 and oppressed their hearts4 ,the ties of blood and fellowship seemed broken1 and the sad words of ,christ had their horrid fulfilment1 that the brother would deliver up the brother to death1 and the father the child1 and the children rise up against the parents and cause them to be put to death4 ,there are some awful possibilities in human nature4 ,in ,paris of these days a man had to be ever on his guard1 to watch his acts1 his words1 even his looks4 ,it meant for a time a collapse of the whole idea of the state4 ,it was a panic1 worse than avowed civil war4 ,friendship1 of course1 could have little place in such a frightful palsy of mutual confidence1 though there were1 for the honor of the race1 some noble exceptions4 ,the wreck of friendship through deceit is always a step toward social anarchy2 for it helps to break down trust and good faith among men4 ,the wreck of friendship is also a blow to religion4 ,many have lost their faith in ,god1 because they have lost1 through faithlessness1 their faith in man4 ,doubt of the reality of love becomes doubt of the reality of the spiritual life4 ,to be unable to see the divine in man1 is to have the eyes blinded to the divine anywhere4 ,deception in the sphere of love shakes the foundation of religion4 ,its result is atheism1 not perhaps as a conscious speculative system of thought1 but as a subtle practical influence on conduct4 ,it corrupts the fountain of life1 and taints the whole stream4 ,despair of love1 if final and complete1 would be despair of ,god2 for ,god is love4 ,thus1 the wreck of friendship often means a temporary wreck of faith4 ,it ought not to be so2 but that there is a danger of it should impress us with a deeper sense of the responsibility attached to our friendships4 ,our life follows the fortunes of our love4 ,the ,renewing of ,friendship ,perhaps we may go further1 and say that friends1 whose friendship has been broken off1 should not entirely forget their former intercourse2 and that just as we hold that we ought to serve friends before strangers1 so former friends have some claims upon us on the ground of past friendship1 unless extraordinary depravity were the cause of our parting4--,,aristotle4 ,the ,renewing of ,friendship ,it is a sentiment of the poets and romancers that love is rather helped by quarrels4 ,there must be some truth in it1 as we find the idea expressed a hundred times in different forms in literature4 ,we find it among the wisdom of the ancients1 and it remains still as one of the conventional properties of the dramatist1 and one of the accepted traditions of the novelist4 ,it is expressed in maxim and apothegm1 in play and poem4 ,one of our old pre-,elizabethan writers has put it in classic form in ,english3-- ,the falling out of faithful friends is the renewing of love4 ,it is the chief stock-in-trade of the writer of fiction1 to depict the misunderstandings which arise between two persons1 through the sin of one1 or the folly of both1 or the villainy of a third2 then comes the means by which the tangled skein is unravelled1 and in the end everything is satisfactorily explained1 and the sorely-tried characters are ushered into a happiness stronger and sweeter than ever before4 ,friends quarrel1 and are miserable in their state of separation2 and afterward1 when the friendship is renewed1 it is discovered that the bitter dispute was only a blessing in disguise1 as the renewal itself was an exquisite pleasure1 and the result has been a firmer and more stable relationship of love and trust4 ,the truth in this sentiment is1 of course1 the evident one1 that a man often only wakens to the value of a possession when he is in danger of losing it4 ,the force of a current is sometimes only noted when it is opposed by an obstacle4 ,two persons may discover1 by a temporary alienation1 how much they really care for each other4 ,it may be that previously they took things for granted4 ,their affection had lost its first glitter1 and was accepted as a commonplace4 ,through some misunderstanding or dispute1 they broke off their friendly relationship1 feeling sure that they had come to an end of their regard4 ,they could never again be on the same close terms2 hot words had been spoken2 taunts and reproaches had passed2 eyes had flashed fire1 and they parted in anger--only to learn that their love for each other was as real and as strong as ever4 ,the very difference revealed the true union of hearts that had existed4 ,they had been blind to the strength of their mutual regard1 till it was so painfully brought to their notice4 ,the love is renewed with a more tender sense of its sacredness1 and a more profound feeling of its strength4 ,the dissensions only displayed the union2 the discord drove them to a fuller harmony4 ,this is a natural and common experience4 ,but a mistake may easily be made by confusing cause and effect4 ,the course of true love never did run smooth--but the obstacles in the channel do not produce the swiftness and the volume of the stream2 they only show them4 ,there may be an unsuspected depth and force for the first time brought to light when the stream strikes a barrier1 but the barrier is merely the occasion1 not the cause1 of the revelation4 ,to mistake the one for the other1 may lead to a false and stupid policy4 ,many1 through this mistake1 act as though dissension were of the very nature of affection1 and as if the one must necessarily react on the other for good4 ,some foolish people will sometimes even produce disagreement for the supposed pleasure of agreeing once more1 and quarrel for the sake of making it up again4 ,rather1 the end of love is near at hand1 when wrangling can live in its presence4 ,it is not true that love is helped by quarrels1 except in the small sense already indicated4 ,a man may quarrel once too often with his friend1 and a brother offended1 says the proverb1 is harder to be won than a strong city1 and such contentions are like the bars of a castle4 ,it is always a dangerous experiment to wilfully test affection1 besides being often a cruel one4 ,disputing is a shock to confidence1 and without confidence friendship cannot continue4 ,a state of feud1 even though a temporary one1 often embitters the life1 and leaves its mark on the heart4 ,desolated homes and lonely lives are witnesses of the folly of any such policy4 ,from the root of bitterness there cannot possibly blossom any of the fair flowers of love4 ,the surface truth of the poets' sentiment we have acknowledged and accounted for1 but it is only a surface truth4 ,the best of friends will fall out1 and the best of them will renew their friendship1 but it is always at a great risk1 and sometimes it strains the foundations of their esteem for each other to shaking3 ,and blessings on the falling out ,that all the more endears1 ,when we fall out with those we love ,and kiss again with tears6 ,but in any serious rupture of friendship it can only be a blessing when it means the tears of repentance1 and these are often tears of blood4 ,in all renewing there must be an element of repentance1 and however great the joy of having regained the old footing1 there is the memory of pain1 and the presence of regret4 ,to cultivate contention as an art1 and to trade upon the supposed benefit of renewing friendship1 is a folly which brings its own retribution4 ,the disputatious person for this reason never makes a good friend4 ,in friendship men look for peace1 and concord1 and some measure of content4 ,there are enough battles to fight outside1 enough jarring and jostling in the street1 enough disputing in the market-place1 enough discord in the workaday world1 without having to look for contention in the realm of the inner life also4 ,there1 if anywhere1 we ask for an end of strife4 ,friendship is the sanctuary of the heart1 and the peace of the sanctuary should brood over it4 ,its chiefest glory is that the dust and noise of contest are excluded4 ,it must needs be that offences come4 ,it is not only that the world is full of conflict and controversy1 and every man must take his share in the fights of his time4 ,we are born into the battle2 we are born for the battle4 ,but apart from the outside strife1 from which we cannot separate ourselves1 and do not desire to separate ourselves if we are true men1 the strange thing is that it looks as if it must needs be that offences come even among brethren4 ,the bitterest disputes in life are among those who are nearest each other in spirit4 ,we do not quarrel with the man in the street1 the man with whom we have little or no communication4 ,he has not the chance1 nor the power1 to chafe our soul1 and ruffle our temper4 ,if need be1 we can afford to despise1 or at least to neglect him4 ,it is the man of our own household1 near us in life and spirit1 who runs the risk of the only serious dissensions with us4 ,the man with whom we have most points of contact presents the greatest number of places where difference can occur4 ,only from circles that touch each other can a tangent strike off from the same point4 ,a man can only make enemies among his friends4 ,a certain amount of opposition and enmity a man must be prepared for in this world1 unless he live a very invertebrate life4 ,outside opposition cannot embitter1 for it cannot touch the soul4 ,but that two who have walked as friends1 one in aim and one in heart1 perhaps of the same household of faith1 should stand face to face with hard brows and gleaming eyes1 should speak as foes and not as lovers of the same love1 is1 in spite of the poets and romancers1 the bitterest moment of life4 ,there are some we cannot hurt even if we would2 whom all the venom of our nature could not touch1 because we mean nothing to them4 ,but there are others in our power1 whom we can stab with a word1 and these are our brethren1 our familiar friends1 our comrades at work1 our close associates1 our fellow laborers in ,god's vineyard4 ,it is not the crowd that idly jostle us in the street who can hurt us to the quick1 but a familiar friend in whom we trusted4 ,he has a means of ingress barred to strangers1 and can strike home as no other can4 ,this explains why family quarrels1 ruptures in the inner circle1 ,church disputes1 are so bitter4 ,they come so near us4 ,an offended brother is hard to win1 because the very closeness of the previous intimacy brings a rankling sense of injustice and the resentment of injured love4 ,an injury from the hand of a friend seems such a wanton thing2 and the heart hardens itself with the sense of wrong1 and a separation ensues like the bars of a castle4 ,it must needs be that offences come1 but woe unto him by whom they come4 ,the strife-makers find in themselves1 in their barren heart and empty life1 their own appropriate curse4 ,the blow they strike comes back upon themselves4 ,worse than the choleric temperament is the peevish1 sullen nature4 ,the one usually finds a speedy repentance for his hot and hasty mood2 the other is a constant menace to friendship1 and acts like a perpetual irritant4 ,its root is selfishness1 and it grows by what it feeds on4 ,when offences do come1 we may indeed use them as opportunities for growth in gracious ways1 and thus turn them into blessings on the lives of both4 ,to the offended it may be an occasion for patience and forgiveness2 to the offender1 an occasion for humility and frank confession2 and to both1 a renewing of love less open to offence in the future4 ,there are some general counsels about the making up of differences1 though each case needs special treatment for itself1 which will easily be found if once the desire for concord be established4 ,christ's recipe for a quarrel among brethren is3 ,if thy brother shall trespass against thee1 go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone2 if he shall hear thee1 thou hast gained thy brother4 ,much of our dissension is due to misunderstanding1 which could be put right by a few honest words and a little open dealing4 ,human beings so often live at cross purposes with each other1 when a frank word1 or a simple confession of wrong1 almost a look or a gesture1 would heal the division4 ,resentment grows through brooding over a fancied slight4 ,hearts harden themselves in silence1 and1 as time goes on1 it becomes more difficult to break through the silence4 ,often there are strained relations among men1 who1 at the bottom of their hearts1 have sincere respect for each other1 and smouldering affection also1 which only needs a little coaxing of the spark to burst out again into a dancing flame4 ,there is a terrible waste of human friendship1 a waste of power which might be used to bless all our lives1 through our sinful separations1 our selfish exclusiveness1 our resentful pride4 ,we let the sweetest souls we have met die without acknowledging our debt to them4 ,we stand aside in haughty isolation1 till the open grave opens our sealed hearts--too late4 ,we let the chance of reconciliation pass till it is irrevocable4 ,most can remember a tender spot in the past somewhere1 a sore place1 a time when discord entered with another they loved1 and ,each spake words of high disdain ,and insult to his heart's best brother4 ,and in some cases1 as with the friends in ,coleridge's great poem1 the parting has been eternal1 and neither has ever since found another such friend to fill the life with comfort1 and free the hollow heart from paining4 ,there is more evil from such a state of discord than the mere loss it is to both2 it influences the whole heart-life1 creating sometimes bitterness1 sometimes universal suspicion1 sometimes cynicism4 ,hatred is contagious1 as love is4 ,they have an effect on the whole character1 and are not confined to the single incident which causes the love or the hate4 ,to hate a single one of ,god's creatures is to harden the heart to some extent against all4 ,love is the centre of a circle1 which broadens out in ever-widening circumference4 ,dante tells us in ,la ,vita ,nuova that the effect of his love for ,beatrice was to open his heart to all1 and to sweeten all his life4 ,he speaks of the surpassing virtue of her very salutation to him in the street4 ,when she appeared in any place1 it seemed to me1 by the hope of her excellent salutation1 that there was no man mine enemy any longer2 and such warmth of charity came upon me that most certainly in that moment ,i would have pardoned whomsoever had done me an injury2 and if any one should then have questioned me concerning any matter1 ,i could only have said unto him ',love1' with a countenance clothed in humbleness4 ,his love bred sweetness in his mind1 and took in everything within the blessed sweep of its range4 ,hatred also is the centre of a circle1 which has a baneful effect on the whole life4 ,we cannot have bitterness or resentment in our mind without its coloring every thought and affection4 ,hate of one will affect our attitude toward all4 ,if1 then1 we possess the spirit to be reconciled with an offended or an offending brother1 there are some things which may be said about the tactics of renewing the broken tie4 ,there is needed a certain tactful considerateness4 ,in all such questions the grace of the act depends as much on the manner of it1 as on the act itself4 ,the grace of the fairest act may be hurt by a boorish blemish of manner4 ,many a graceful act is spoiled by a graceless touch1 as a generous deed can be ruined by a grudging manner4 ,an air of condescension will destroy the value of the finest charity4 ,there is a forgiveness which is no forgiveness--formal1 constrained1 from the teeth and lips outward4 ,it does not come as the warm breath which has had contact with the blood of the heart4 ,the highest forgiveness is so full and free1 that it is forgetfulness4 ,it is complete as the forgiveness of ,god4 ,if there is something in the method of the approach1 there is perhaps more in the time of it4 ,it ought to be chosen carefully and considerately2 for it may be that the other has not been prepared for the renewal by thought and feeling1 as the man who makes the advances has been4 ,no hard and fast rule can be formulated when dealing with such a complex and varied subject as man4 ,so much depends on temper and character4 ,one man taken by surprise reveals his true feeling2 another1 when taken off his guard1 is irritated1 and shuts up his heart in a sort of instinctive self-defence4 ,the thoughtfulness of love will suggest the appropriate means1 but some emphasis may rightly be given to the phrase in ,christ's counsel1 between thee and him alone4 ,let there be an opportunity for a frank and private conversation4 ,to appeal to an estranged friend before witnesses induces to special pleading1 making the witnesses the jury1 asking for a verdict on either side2 and the result is that both are still convinced they have right on their side1 and that they have been wronged4 ,if the fault of the estrangement lies with us1 the burden of confession should rest upon us also4 ,to go to him with sincere penitence is no more than our duty4 ,whether the result be successful or not1 it will mean a blessing for our own soul4 ,humility brings its own reward2 for it brings ,god into the life4 ,even if we have cause to suspect that the offended brother will not receive us kindly1 still such reparation as we can make is at least the gate to reconciliation4 ,it may be too late1 but confession will lighten the burden on our own heart4 ,our brother may be so offended that he is harder to be won than a strong city1 but he is far more worth winning2 and even if the effort be unsuccessful1 it is better than the cowardice which suffers a bloodless defeat4 ,if1 on the other hand1 the fault was not ours1 our duty is still clear4 ,it should be even easier to take the initiative in such a case2 for after all it is much easier to forgive than to submit to be forgiven4 ,to some natures it is hard to be laid under an obligation1 and the generosity of love must be shown by the offended brother4 ,he must show the other his fault gently and generously1 not parading his forgiveness like a virtue1 but as if the favor were on his side--as it is4 ,christ made forgiveness the test of spirituality4 ,if we do not know the grace of forgiveness1 we do not know how gracious life may be4 ,the highest happiness is not a matter of possessions and material gains1 but has its source in a heart at peace2 and thus it is that the renewing of friendship has a spiritual result4 ,if we are revengeful1 censorious1 judging others harshly1 always putting the worst construction on a word or an act1 uncharitable1 unforgiving1 we certainly cannot claim kinship with the spirit of the ,lord ,jesus4 ,st4 ,paul made the opposite the very test of the spiritual man3 ,brethren1 if a man be overtaken in a fault1 ye which are spiritual restore such an one in the spirit of meekness4 ,if we knew all1 we would forgive all4 ,if we knew all the facts1 the things which produced the petulance1 the soreness which caused the irritation1 we would be ready to pardon2 for we would understand the temptation4 ,if we knew all1 our hearts would be full of pitiful love even for those who have wronged us4 ,they have wronged themselves more than they can possibly wrong us2 they have wounded a man to their own hurt4 ,to think kindly once more of a separated friend1 to soften the heart toward an offending brother1 will bring the blessing of the ,peace-maker1 the blessing of the ,reconciler4 ,the way to be sure of acting this part is to pray for him4 ,we cannot remain angry with another1 when we pray for him4 ,offence departs1 when prayer comes4 ,the captivity of ,job was turned1 when he prayed for his friends4 ,if we stubbornly refuse the renewing of friendship1 it is an offence against religion also4 ,only love can fulfil the law of ,christ4 ,his is the ,gospel of reconciliation1 and the greater reconciliation includes the lesser4 ,the friends of ,christ must be friends of one another4 ,that ought to be accepted as an axiom4 ,to be reconciled to ,god carries with it at least a disposition of heart1 which makes it easy to be reconciled to men also4 ,we have cause to suspect our religion1 if it does not make us gentle1 and forbearing1 and forgiving2 if the love of our ,lord does not so flood our hearts as to cleanse them of all bitterness1 and spite1 and wrath4 ,if a man is nursing anger1 if he is letting his mind become a nest of foul passions1 malice1 and hatred1 and evil wishing1 how dwelleth the love of ,god in him8 ,if we cannot1 at need1 even humiliate ourselves to win our brother1 it is difficult to see where our religion comes in1 especially when we think what humiliation ,christ suffered1 that ,he might reconcile us to ,god1 and make us friends again with our heavenly ,father1 and renew our broken love4 ,whatever be our faith and works1 and however correct be our creed and conduct1 if we are giving place to anger1 if we are stiffening ourselves in strife and disdain1 we are none of ,his1 who was meek and lowly of heart4 ,we may come to the ,sanctuary with lips full of praises and eyes full of prayers1 with devotion in our hearts and gifts in our hand1 but ,god will spurn our worship and despise our gifts4 ,it is not a small matter1 this renewing of friendship1 but is the root of religion itself1 and is well made the very test of spiritual-mindedness4 ,if thou bring thy gift to the altar1 and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee1 leave there thy gift before the altar1 and go thy way2 first be reconciled to thy brother1 and then come and offer thy gift4 ,misunderstandings and estrangements will arise1 occasions will come when it seems as if not even love and forbearance can avoid a quarrel1 but surely ,christ has died in vain if ,his grace cannot save us from the continuance of strife4 ,such renewing of love1 done with this high motive1 will indeed bring an added joy1 as the poets have declared4 ,the very pain will give zest to the pleasure4 ,we will take the great gift of friendship with a new sense of its beauty and sacredness4 ,we will walk more softly because of the experience1 and more than ever will tremble lest we lose it4 ,for days after the reconciliation1 we will go about with the feeling that the benediction of the peace-makers rests on our head and clings round our feet4 ,but more than any personal joy from the renewed friendship1 we will have the smile of ,god on our life4 ,we will know that we have done what is well pleasing in ,his sight4 ,sweeter than the peace which comes from being at one with men1 is the peace which comes from being at one with ,god4 ,it settles on the soul like the mist on the mountains1 enveloping and enswathing it4 ,it comes to our fevered life as a great calm4 ,over the broken waters there hovers the golden glory of ,god's eternal peace4 ,and more even than all that1 we will have gained a new insight into the love of the ,father1 and into the sacrifice of the ,son4 ,we will understand a little more of the mystery of the ,love which became poor1 which gladly went into the wilderness to seek and to save the lost4 ,the cross will gain new and rich significance to us1 and all the world will be an arena in which is enacted the spectacle of ,god's great love4 ,the world is bathed in the love of ,god1 as it is flooded by the blessed sun4 ,if we are in the light and walk in love1 our walk will be with ,god1 and ,his gentleness will make us great4 ,there is intended an ever fuller education in the meaning1 and in the life of love1 until the assurance reaches us that nothing can separate us from love4 ,even death1 which sunders us from our friends1 cannot permanently divide us4 ,in the great ,home-coming and ,reunion of hearts1 all the veils which obscure feeling will be torn down1 and we shall know each other better1 and shall love each other better4 ,but every opportunity carries a penalty2 every privilege brings with it a warning4 ,if we will not live the life of love1 if we harden our heart against a brother offended1 we will find in our need even the great and infinite love of ,god shut against us1 harder to be won than a strong city1 ribbed and stockaded as the bars of a castle4 ,to the unforgiving there is no forgiveness4 ,to the hard1 and relentless1 and loveless1 there is no love4 ,to the selfish1 there is no heaven4 ,the ,limits of ,friendship ,if thy brother1 the son of thy mother1 or thy son1 or thy daughter1 or the wife of thy bosom1 or thy friend which is as thine own soul1 entice thee secretly1 saying1 ,let us go and serve other gods1 thou shalt not consent unto him1 nor hearken unto him1 but thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death1 and afterward the hand of all the people2 because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the ,lord thy ,god4 ,,deuteronomy4 ,yet each will have one anguish--his own soul1 ,which perishes of cold4 ,,matthew ,,arnold4 ,the ,limits of ,friendship ,friendship1 at its very best and purest1 has limits4 ,at its beginning1 it seems to have no conditions1 and to be capable of endless development4 ,in the first flush of new-born love it seems almost an insult to question its absolute power to meet every demand made upon it4 ,the exquisite joy of understanding1 and being understood1 is too keen to let us believe1 that there may be a terminal line1 beyond which we may not pass4 ,friendship comes as a mystery1 formless1 undefined1 without set bounds2 and it is often a sore experience to discover that it is circumscribed1 and limited like everything human4 ,at first to speak of it as having qualifications was a profanation1 and to find them out came as a disillusionment4 ,yet the discovery is not all a loss4 ,the limitless is also the vague1 and it is well to know the exact terms implied in a relationship4 ,of course we learn through experience the restrictions on all intimacy1 and if we are wise we learn to keep well within the margin2 but many a disappointment might have been saved1 if we had understood the inherent limitations of the subject4 ,these are the result of personality4 ,each partner is after all a distinct individual1 with will1 and conscience1 and life apart1 with a personal responsibility which none can take from him1 and with an individual bias of mind and heart which can never be left out of account4 ,as is to be expected1 some of the limits of friendship are not essential to the relation1 but are due to a defect in the relation1 perhaps an idiosyncrasy of character or a peculiarity of temper4 ,some of the limits are self-imposed1 and arise from mistake of folly4 ,a friend may be too exacting1 and may make excessive demands1 which strain the bond to the breaking point4 ,there is often a good deal of selfishness in the affection1 which asks for absorption1 and is jealous of other interests4 ,jealousy is usually the fruit1 not of love1 but of self-love4 ,life is bigger than any relationship1 and covers more ground4 ,the circles of life may intersect1 and part of each be common to the other1 but there will be an area on both sides exclusive to each2 and even if it were possible for the circles to be concentric1 it could hardly be that the circumference of the two could be the same2 one would be1 almost without a doubt1 of larger radius than the other4 ,it is not identity which is the aim and the glory of friendship1 but unity in the midst of difference4 ,to strive at identity is to be certain of failure1 and it deserves failure2 for it is the outcome of selfishness4 ,a man's friend is not his property1 to be claimed as his exclusive possession4 ,jealousy is an ignoble vice1 because it has its roots in egotism4 ,it also destroys affection1 since it is an evidence of want of trust1 and trust is essential to friendship4 ,there are physical limits to friendship1 if nothing else4 ,there are material barriers to be surmounted1 before human beings really get into touch with each other1 even in the slightest degree4 ,the bodily organs1 through which alone we can enter into communication1 carry with them their own disabilities4 ,the senses are at the best limited in their range1 and are ever exposed to error4 ,flesh stands in the way of a complete revelation of soul4 ,human feet cannot enter past the threshold of the soul's abode4 ,the very means of self-revelation is a self-concealment4 ,the medium1 by which alone we know1 darkens1 if it does not distort1 the object4 ,words obscure thought1 by the very process through which alone thought is possible for us2 and the fleshly wrappings of the soul hide it1 at the same time that they make it visible4 ,and if there are physical limits to friendship1 there are greater mental limits4 ,the needs of living press on us1 and drive us into different currents of action4 ,our varied experience colors all our thought1 and gives a special bias to our mind4 ,there is a personal equation which must always be taken into account4 ,this is the charm of intercourse1 but it is also a limitation4 ,we do not travel over the same ground2 we meet1 but we also part4 ,however great the sympathy1 it is not possible completely to enter into another man's mind1 and look at a subject with his eyes4 ,much of our impatience with each other1 and most of our misunderstandings1 are caused by this natural limitation4 ,the lines along which our minds travel can at the best be asymptotic1 approaching each other indefinitely near1 but never quite coinciding4 ,the greatest limit of friendship1 of which these other are but indications1 is the spiritual fact of the separate personality of each human being4 ,this is seen most absolutely in the sphere of morals4 ,the ultimate standard for a man is his own individual conscience1 and neither the constraint of affection1 nor the authority of numbers1 can atone for falseness there4 ,one of the most forceful illustrations of this final position of all religion is to be found1 in the passage of terrific intensity from the ,book of ,deuteronomy1 which we have transcribed as a preface to this chapter4 ,the form of the passage of course gets its coloring from the needs of the time and the temper of the age4 ,the ,book of ,deuteronomy is so sure that the law of ,god is necessary for the life of ,israel1 and that departure from it will mean national ruin1 that it will shrink from nothing needed to preserve the truth4 ,its warnings against being led away to idolatry are very instant and solemn4 ,every precaution must be taken2 nothing must be allowed to seduce them from their allegiance1 not the most sacred ties1 nor the most solemn authority4 ,no measure of repression can be too stern4 ,in that fierce time it was natural that apostasy should be thought worthy of death2 for apostasy from religion meant also treason to the nation3 much more those who used their influence to seduce men to apostasy were to be condemned4 ,the passage is introduced by the assertion that if even a prophet1 a recognized servant of ,god1 attesting his prophecy with signs and wonders1 should solicit them to leave the worship of ,jehovah1 in spite of his sacred character1 and in spite of the seeming evidence of miracles1 they must turn from him with loathing1 and his doom should be death4 ,and if the apostasy should have the weight of numbers and a whole city go astray1 the same doom is theirs4 ,if the tenderest relationship should tempt the soul away1 if a brother1 or son1 or daughter1 or wife1 or friend1 should entice to apostasy1 the same relentless judgment must be meted out4 ,the fact that this stern treatment is advocated in this ,book1 which is full of the most tender consideration for all weak things1 shows the need of the time4 ,deuteronomy has some of the most beautiful legislation in favor of slaves and little children and birds and domestic animals1 some of it in advance of even our modern customs and practices1 permeated as these are by ,christian sentiment4 ,and it is in this finely sensitive ,book that we find such strong assertion of the paramount importance of individual responsibility4 ,the influence of a friend or near relative is bound to be great4 ,we are affected on every side1 and at every moment1 by the environment of other lives4 ,there is a spiritual affinity1 which is the closest and most powerful thing in the world1 and yet in the realm of morals it has definite limits set to it4 ,at the best it can only go a certain length1 and ought not to be allowed to go further than its legitimate bounds4 ,the writer of ,deuteronomy appreciated to the full the power and attraction of the near human relationships4 ,we see this from the way he describes them1 adding an additional touch of fondness to each1 thy brother the son of thy mother1 the wife of thy bosom1 thy friend who is as thine own soul4 ,but it sets a limit to the place even such tender ties should be allowed to have4 ,the most intimate of relatives1 the most trusted of friends1 must not be permitted to abrogate the place of conscience4 ,affection may be perverted into an instrument of evil4 ,there is a higher moral law than even the law of friendship4 ,the demands of friendship must not be allowed to interfere with the dictates of duty4 ,it is not that the moral law should be blindly obeyed1 but because in obeying it we are choosing the better part for both2 for as ,frederick ,robertson truly says1 the man who prefers his dearest friend to the call of duty1 will soon show that he prefers himself to his dearest friend4 ,such weak giving in to the supposed higher demand of friendship is only a form of selfishness4 ,friendship is sometimes too exacting4 ,it asks for too much1 more than we have to give1 more than we ever ought to give4 ,there is a tyranny of love1 making demands which can only be granted to the loss of both4 ,such tyranny is a perversion of the nature of love1 which is to serve1 not to rule4 ,it would override conscience1 and break down the will4 ,we cannot give up our personal duty1 as we cannot give up our personal responsibility4 ,that is how it is possible for ,christ to say that if a man love father1 or mother1 or wife more than ,him1 he is not worthy of ,him4 ,no human being can take the place of ,god to another life2 it is an acted blasphemy to attempt it4 ,there is a love which is evil in its selfishness4 ,its very exclusive claim is a sign of its evil root4 ,the rights of the individual must not be renounced1 even for love's sake4 ,human love can ask too much1 and it asks too much when it would break down the individual will and conscience4 ,the hands that love us often are the hands ,that softly close our eyes and draw us earthward4 ,we give them all the largesse of our life-- ,not this1 not all the world1 contenteth them1 ,till we renounce our rights as living souls4 ,we cannot renounce our rights as living souls without losing our souls4 ,no man can pay the debt of life for us4 ,no man can take the burden of life from us4 ,to no man can we hand over the reins unreservedly4 ,it would be cowardice1 and cowardice is sin4 ,the first axiom of the spiritual life is the sacredness of the individuality of each4 ,we must respect each other's personality4 ,even when we have rights over other people1 these rights are strictly limited1 and carry with them a corresponding duty to respect their rights also4 ,the one intolerable despotism in the world is the attempt to put a yoke on the souls of men1 and there are some forms of intimacy which approach that despotism4 ,to transgress the moral bounds set to friendship is to make the highest forms of friendship impossible2 for these are only reached when free spirits meet in the unity of the spirit4 ,the community of human life1 of which we are learning much to-day1 is a great fact4 ,we are all bound up in the same bundle4 ,in a very true sense we stand or fall together4 ,we are ever on our trial as a society2 not only materially1 but even in the highest things1 morally and spiritually4 ,there is a social conscience1 which we affect1 and which constantly affects us4 ,we cannot rise very much above it2 to fall much below it1 is for all true purposes to cease to live4 ,we have recognized social standards which test morality2 we have common ties1 common duties1 common responsibilities4 ,but with it all1 in spite of the fact of the community of human life1 there is the other fact of the singleness of human life4 ,we have a life1 which we must live alone4 ,we can never get past the ultimate fact of the personal responsibility of each4 ,we may be leaves from the same tree of life1 but no two leaves are alike4 ,we may be wrapped up in the same bundle1 but one bundle can contain very different things4 ,each of us is colored with his own shade1 separate and peculiar4 ,we have our own special powers of intellect1 our own special experience1 our own moral conscience1 our own moral life to live4 ,so1 while it is true that we stand or fall together1 it is also true--and it is a deeper truth--that we stand or fall alone4 ,in this crowded world1 with its intercourse and jostling1 with its network of relationships1 with its mingled web of life1 we are each alone4 ,below the surface there is a deep1 and below the deep there is a deeper depth4 ,in the depth of the human heart there is1 and there must be1 solitude4 ,there is a limit to the possible communion with another4 ,we never completely open up our nature to even our nearest and dearest4 ,in spite of ourselves something is kept back4 ,not that we are untrue in this1 and hide our inner self1 but simply that we are unable to reveal ourselves entirely4 ,there is a bitterness of the heart which only the heart knoweth2 there is a joy of the heart with which no stranger can intermeddle2 there is a bound beyond which even a friend who is as our own soul becomes a stranger4 ,there is a ,holy of ,holies1 over the threshold of which no human feet can pass4 ,it is safe from trespass1 guarded from intrusion1 and even we cannot give to another the magic key to open the door4 ,in spite of all the complexity of our social life1 and the endless connections we form with others1 there is as the ultimate fact a great and almost weird solitude4 ,we may fill up our hearts with human fellowship in all its grades1 yet there remains to each a distinct and separated life4 ,we speak vaguely of the mass of men1 but the mass consists of units1 each with his own life1 a thing apart4 ,the community of human life is being emphasized to-day1 and it is a lesson which bears and needs repetition1 the lesson of our common ties and common duties4 ,but at the same time we dare not lose sight of the fact of the singleness of human life1 if for no other reason than that1 otherwise we have no moral appeal to make on behalf of those ties and duties4 ,in the region of morals1 in dealing with sin1 we see how true this solitude is4 ,there may be what we can truly call social and national sins1 and men can sin together1 but in its ultimate issue sin is individual4 ,it is a disintegrating thing1 separating a man from his fellows1 and separating him from ,god4 ,we are alone with our sin1 like the ,ancient ,mariner with the bodies of his messmates around him1 each cursing him with his eye4 ,in the last issue1 there is nothing in the universe but ,god and the single human soul4 ,men can share the sinning with us2 no man can share the sin4 ,and the sin ye do by two and two1 ye must pay for one by one4 ,therefore in this sphere of morals there must be limits to friendship1 even with the friend who is as our own soul4 ,friendship is a very real and close thing4 ,it is one of the greatest joys in life1 and has noble fruits4 ,we can do much for each other3 there are burdens we can share3 we can rejoice with those who do rejoice1 and weep with those who weep4 ,through sympathy and love we are able to get out of self2 and yet even here there are limits4 ,our helplessness in the presence of grief proves this fundamental singleness of human life4 ,when we stand beside a friend before the open grave1 under the cloud of a great sorrow1 we learn how little we can do for him4 ,we can only stand speechless1 and pray that the great ,comforter may come with ,his own divine tenderness and enter the sanctuary of sorrow shut to feet of flesh4 ,mourners have indeed been soothed by a touch1 or a look1 or a prayer1 which had their source in a pitiful human heart1 but it is only as a message of condolence flashed from one world to another4 ,there is a burden which every man must bear1 and none can bear for him3 for there is a personality which1 even if we would1 we cannot unveil to human eyes4 ,there are feelings sacred to the man who feels4 ,we have to dree our own weird1 and live our own life1 and die our own death4 ,in the time of desolation1 when the truth of this solitude is borne in on us1 we are left to ourselves1 not because our friends are unfeeling1 but simply because they are unable4 ,it is not their selfishness which keeps them off1 but just their frailty4 ,their spirit may be willing1 but the flesh is weak4 ,it is the lesson of life1 that there is no stay in the arm of flesh1 that even if there is no limit to human love1 there is a limit to human power4 ,sooner or later1 somewhere or other1 it is the experience of every son of man1 as it was the experience of the ,son of ,man1 ,behold the hour cometh1 and now is come1 that ye ,my friends shall be scattered every man to his own1 and shall leave ,me alone4 ,human friendship must have limits1 just because it is human4 ,it is subject to loss1 and is often to some extent the sport of occasion4 ,it lacks permanence3 misunderstandings can estrange us3 slander can embitter us3 death can bereave us4 ,we are left very much the victims of circumstances2 for like everything earthly it is open to change and decay4 ,no matter how close and spiritual the intercourse1 it is not permanent1 and never certain4 ,if nothing else1 the shadow of death is always on it4 ,tennyson describes how he dreamed that he and his friend should pass through the world together1 loving and trusting each other1 and together pass out into the silence4 ,arrive at last the blessed goal1 ,and ,he that died in ,holy ,land ,would reach us out the shining hand1 ,and take us as a single soul4 ,it was a dream at the best4 ,neither to live together nor to die together could blot out the spiritual limits of friendship4 ,even in the closest of human relations when two take each other for better for worse1 for richer for poorer1 in sickness and in health1 they may be made one flesh1 but never one soul4 ,singleness is the ultimate fact of human life4 ,the race is run by one and one1 and never by two and two4 ,in religion1 in the deepest things of the spirit1 these limits we have been considering are perhaps felt most of all4 ,with even a friend who is as one's own soul1 we cannot seek to make a spiritual impression1 without realizing the constraint of his separate individuality4 ,we cannot break through the barriers of another's distinct existence4 ,if we have ever sought to lead to a higher life another whom we love1 we must have been made to feel that it does not all rest with us1 that he is a free moral being1 and that only by voluntarily yielding his heart and will and life to the ,king1 can he enter the ,kingdom4 ,we are forced to respect his personality4 ,we may watch and pray and speak1 but we cannot save4 ,there is almost a sort of spiritual indecency in unveiling the naked soul1 in attempting to invade the personality of another life4 ,there is sometimes a spiritual vivisection which some attempt in the name of religion1 which is immoral4 ,only holier eyes than ours1 only more reverent hands than ours1 can deal with the spirit of a man4 ,he is a separate individual1 with all the rights of an individual4 ,we may have many points of contact with him1 the contact of mind on mind1 and heart on heart2 we may even have rights over him1 the rights of love2 but he can at will insulate his life from ours4 ,here also1 as elsewhere when we go deep enough into life1 it is ,god and the single human soul4 ,the lesson of all true living in every sphere is to learn our own limitations4 ,it is the first lesson in art1 to work within the essential limitations of the particular art4 ,but in dealing with other lives it is perhaps the hardest of all lessons1 to learn1 and submit to1 our limitations4 ,it is the crowning grace of faith1 when we are willing to submit1 and to leave those we love in the hands of ,god1 as we leave ourselves4 ,nowhere else is the limit of friendship so deeply cut as here in the things of the spirit4 ,no man can save his brother's soul1 ,nor pay his brother's debt4 ,human friendship has limits because of the real greatness of man4 ,we are too big to be quite comprehended by another4 ,there is always something in us left unexplained1 and unexplored4 ,we do not even know ourselves1 much less can another hope to probe into the recesses of our being4 ,friendship has a limit1 because of the infinite element in the soul4 ,it is hard to kick against the pricks1 but they are meant to drive us toward the true end of living4 ,it is hard to be brought up by a limit along any line of life1 but it is designed to send us to a deeper and richer development of our life4 ,man's limitation is ,god's occasion4 ,only ,god can fully satisfy the hungry heart of man4 ,the ,higher ,friendship ,love ,him1 and keep ,him for thy ,friend1 who1 when all go away1 will not forsake thee1 nor suffer thee to perish at the last4 ,,thomas ,,kempis4 ,hush1 ,i pray you6 ,what if this friend happen to be--,god6 ,,browning4 ,the ,higher ,friendship ,life is an education in love4 ,there are grades and steps in it1 occasions of varying opportunity for the discipline of love4 ,it comes to us at many points1 trying us at different levels1 that it may get entrance somehow1 and so make our lives not altogether a failure4 ,when we give up our selfishness and isolation1 even in the most rudimentary degree1 a beginning is made with us that is designed to carry us far1 if we but follow the leading of our hearts4 ,there is an ideal toward which all our experience points4 ,if it were not so1 life would be a hopeless enigma1 and the world a meaningless farce4 ,there must be a spiritual function intended1 a design to build up strong and true moral character1 to develop sweet and holy life1 otherwise history is a despair1 and experience a hopeless riddle4 ,all truly great human life has been lived with a spiritual outlook1 and on a high level4 ,men have felt instinctively that there is no justification for all the pain1 and strife1 and failure1 and sorrow of the world1 if these do not serve a higher purpose than mere existence4 ,even our tenderest relationships need some more authoritative warrant than is to be found in themselves1 even in the joy and hope they bring4 ,that joy cannot be meant as an empty lure to keep life on the earth4 ,and spiritual man has also discovered that the very breakdown of human ties leads out to a larger and more permanent love4 ,it is sooner or later found that the most perfect love cannot utterly satisfy the heart of man4 ,all our human intercourse1 blessed and helpful as it may be1 must be necessarily fragmentary and partial4 ,a man must discover that there is an infinite in him1 which only the infinite can match and supply4 ,it is no disparagement of human friendship to admit this4 ,it remains a blessed fact that it is possible to meet devotion1 which makes us both humble and proud2 humble at the sight of its noble sacrifice1 proud with a glad pride at its wondrous beauty4 ,man is capable of the highest heights of love4 ,but man can never take the place of ,god1 and without ,god life is shorn of its glory and divested of its meaning4 ,so the human heart has ever craved for a relationship1 deeper and more lasting than any possible among men1 undisturbed by change1 unmenaced by death1 unbroken by fear1 unclouded by doubt4 ,the limitations and losses of earthly friendship are meant to drive us to the higher friendship4 ,life is an education in love1 but the education is not complete till we learn the love of the eternal4 ,ordinary friendship has done its work when the limits of friendship are reached1 when through the discipline of love we are led into a larger love1 when a door is opened out to a higher life4 ,the sickness of heart which is the lot of all1 the loneliness which not even the voice of a friend can dispel1 the grief which seems to stop the pulse of life itself1 find their final meaning in this compulsion toward the divine4 ,we are sometimes driven out not knowing whither we go1 not knowing the purpose of it2 only knowing through sheer necessity that here we have no abiding city1 or home1 or life1 or love2 and seeking a city1 a home1 a life1 a love1 that hath foundations4 ,we have some training in the love of friends1 as if only to prove to us that without love we cannot live4 ,all our intimacies are but broken lights of the love of ,god4 ,they are methods of preparation for the great communion4 ,in so far even that our earthly friendships are helps to life1 it is because they are shot through with the spiritual1 and they prepare us by their very deficiencies for something more permanent4 ,there have been implanted in man an instinct1 and a need1 which make him discontented1 till he find content in ,god4 ,if at any time we are forced to cease from man1 whose breath is in his nostrils1 it is that we may reach out to the infinite ,father1 unchanging1 the same yesterday1 to-day1 and forever4 ,this is the clamant1 imperious need of man4 ,the solitude of life in its ultimate issue is because we were made for a higher companionship4 ,it is just in the innermost sanctuary1 shut to every other visitant1 that ,god meets us4 ,we are driven to ,god by the needs of the heart4 ,if the existence of ,god was due to a purely intellectual necessity2 if we believed in ,him only because our reason gave warrant for the faith2 it would not matter much whether ,he really is1 and whether we really can know ,him4 ,but when the instincts of our nature1 and the necessities of the heart-life demand ,god1 we are forced to believe4 ,in moments of deep feeling1 when all pretence is silenced1 a man may be still able to question the existence of ,god1 but he does not question his own need of ,god4 ,man1 to remain man1 must believe in the possibility of this relationship with the divine4 ,there is a love which passeth the love of women1 passeth the love of comrades1 passeth all earthly love1 the love of ,god to the weary1 starved heart of man4 ,to believe in this great fact does not detract from human friendship1 but really gives it worth and glory4 ,it is because of this1 that all love has a place in the life of man4 ,all our worships1 and friendships1 and loves1 come from ,god1 and are but reflections of the divine tenderness4 ,all that is beautiful1 and lovely and pure1 and of good repute1 finds its appropriate setting in ,god2 for it was made by ,god4 ,he made it for ,himself4 ,he made man with instincts1 and aspirations1 and heart-hunger1 and divine unrest1 that ,he might give them full satisfaction in ,himself4 ,he claims everything1 but ,he gives everything4 ,our human relationships are sanctified and glorified by the spiritual union4 ,he gives us back our kinships1 and friendships1 with a new light on them1 an added tenderness1 transfiguring our common ties and intimacies1 flooding them with a supernal joy4 ,we part from men to meet with ,god1 that we may be able to meet men again on a higher platform4 ,but the love of ,god is the end and design of all other loves4 ,if the flowers and leaves fade1 it is that the time of ripe fruit is at hand4 ,if these adornments are taken from the tree of life1 it is to make room for the supreme fruitage4 ,without the love of ,god all other love would be but deception1 luring men on to the awful disillusionment4 ,we were born for the love of ,god2 if we do not find it1 it were better for us if we had never been born4 ,we may have tasted of all the joys the world can offer1 have known success and the gains of success1 been blessed with the sweetest friendships and the fiercest loves2 but if we have not found this the chief end of life1 we have missed our chance1 and can only have at the last a desolated life4 ,but if through the joy or through the sorrow of life1 through love or the want of it1 through the gaining of friends or the loss of them1 we have been led to dower our lives with the friendship of ,god1 we are possessed of the incorruptible1 and undefiled1 and that passeth not away4 ,the man who has it has attained the secret cheaply1 though it had to be purchased with his heart's blood1 with the loss of his dream of blessedness4 ,when the fabric of life crumbled to its native dust1 and he rose out of its wreck1 the vision of the eternal love came with the thrill of a great revelation4 ,it was the entrance into the mystery1 and the wonder of it awed him1 and the joy of it inspired him1 and he awakened to the fact that never again could he be alone to all eternity4 ,communion with ,god is the great fact of life4 ,all our forms of worship1 all our ceremonies and symbols of religion1 find their meaning here4 ,there is1 it is true1 an ethic of religion1 certain moral teachings valuable for life3 there are truths of religion to be laid hold of by the reason3 there are the consolations of religion to comfort the heart3 but the root of all religion is this mystical union1 a communion with the ,unseen1 a friendship with ,god open to man4 ,religion is not an acceptance of a creed1 or a burden of commandments1 but a personal secret of the soul1 to be attained each man for himself4 ,it is the experience of the nearness of ,god1 the mysterious contact with the divine1 and the consciousness that we stand in a special individual relationship with ,him4 ,the first state of exaltation1 when the knowledge burst upon the soul1 cannot1 of course1 last2 but its effect remains in inward peace1 and outward impulse toward nobler life4 ,men of all ages have known this close relationship4 ,the possibility of it is the glory of life3 the fact of it is the romance of history1 and the true reading of history4 ,all devout men that have ever lived have lived in the light of this communion4 ,all religious experience has had this in common1 that somehow the soul is so possessed by ,god1 that doubt of ,his existence ceases2 and the task of life becomes to keep step with ,him1 so that there may be correspondence between the outer and the inner conditions of life4 ,men have known this communion in such a degree that they have been called pre-eminently the ,friends of ,god1 but something of the experience which underlies the term is true of the pious of all generations4 ,to us1 in our place in history1 communion with ,god comes through ,jesus ,christ4 ,it is an ineffable mystery1 but it is still a fact of experience4 ,only through ,jesus do we know ,god1 ,his interest in us1 ,his desire for us1 ,his purpose with us4 ,he not only shows us in ,his own example the blessedness of a life in fellowship with the ,father1 but ,he makes it possible for us4 ,united to ,jesus1 we know ourselves united to ,god4 ,the power of ,jesus is not limited to the historical impression made by ,his life4 ,it entered the world as history2 it lives in the world as spiritual fact to-day4 ,luther's experience is the experience of all believers1 ,to me it is not simply an old story of an event that happened once2 for it is a gift1 a bestowing1 that endures forever4 ,we offer ,christ the submission of our hearts1 and the obedience of our lives2 and ,he offers us ,his abiding presence4 ,we take ,him as our ,master2 and ,he takes us as ,his friends4 ,i call you no longer servants1 ,he said to ,his disciples1 but ,i have called you friends4 ,the servant knoweth not what his ,master doeth1 his only duty is to obey2 a friend is admitted to confidence1 and though he may do the same thing as a servant1 he does not do it any longer unreasoningly1 but1 having been taken into counsel1 he knows why he is doing it4 ,this was ,christ's method with ,his disciples1 not to apportion to each his task1 but to show them ,his great purpose for the world1 and to ask for their service and devotion to carry it out4 ,the distinction is not that a servant pleases his master1 and a friend pleases himself4 ,it is that our ,lord takes us up into a relationship of love with ,himself1 and we go out into life inspired with ,his spirit to work ,his work4 ,it begins with the self-surrender of love2 and love1 not fear nor favor1 becomes the motive4 ,to feel thus the touch of ,god on our lives changes the world4 ,its fruits are joy1 and peace1 and confidence that all the events of life are suffused1 not only with meaning1 but with a meaning of love4 ,the higher friendship brings a satisfaction of the heart1 and a joy commensurate to the love4 ,its reward is itself1 the sweet1 enthralling relationship1 not any adventitious gain it promises1 either in the present1 or for the future4 ,even if there were no physical1 or moral1 rewards and punishments in the world1 we would still love and serve ,christ for ,his own sake4 ,the soul that is bound by this personal attachment to ,jesus has a life in the eternal1 which transfigures the life in time with a great joy4 ,we can see at once that to be the friend of ,god will mean peace also4 ,it has brought peace over the troubled lives of all ,his friends throughout the ages4 ,every man who enters into the covenant1 knows the world to be a spiritual arena1 in which the love of ,god manifests itself4 ,he walks no longer on a sodden earth and under a gray sky2 for he knows that1 though all men misunderstand him1 he is understood1 and followed with loving sympathy1 in heaven4 ,it was this confidence in ,god as a real and near friend1 which gave to ,abraham's life such distinction1 and the calm repose which made his character so impressive4 ,strong in the sense of ,god's friendship1 he lived above the world1 prodigal of present possessions1 because sure of the future1 waiting securely in the hope of the great salvation4 ,he walked with ,god in sweet unaffected piety1 and serene faith1 letting his character ripen in the sunshine1 and living out his life as unto ,god not unto men4 ,to know the love of ,god does not mean the impoverishing of our lives1 by robbing them of their other sweet relations4 ,rather1 it means the enriching of these1 by revealing their true beauty and purpose4 ,sometimes we are brought nearer ,god through our friends1 if not through their influence or the joy of their love1 then through the discipline which comes from their very limitations and from their loss4 ,but oftener the experience has been that1 through our union with the ,friend of friends1 we are led into richer and fuller intercourse with our fellows4 ,the nearer we get to the centre of the circle1 the nearer we get to each other4 ,to be joined together in ,christ is the only permanent union1 deeper than the tie of blood1 higher than the bond of kin1 closer than the most sacred earthly relationship4 ,spiritual kinship is the great nexus to unite men4 ,who are ,my brethren8 asked ,jesus1 and for answer pointed to ,his disciples1 and added1 ,whosoever shall do the will of ,my ,father in heaven the same is ,my mother and sister and brother4 ,we ought to make more of our ,christian friendships1 the communion of the saints1 the fellowship of believers4 ,they that feared ,god spake often one with another1 said the prophet ,malachi in one of the darkest hours of the church4 ,what mutual comfort1 and renewed hope1 they would get from1 and give to1 each other6 ,faith can be increased1 and love stimulated1 and enthusiasm revived by intercourse4 ,the supreme friendship with ,christ therefore will not take from us any of our treasured intimacies1 unless they are evil4 ,it will increase the number of them1 and the true force of them4 ,it will link us on to all who love the same ,lord in sincerity and truth4 ,it will open our heart to the world of men that ,jesus loved and gave ,his life to save4 ,this friendship with the ,lord knows no fear of loss2 neither life1 nor death1 nor things present1 nor things to come can separate us4 ,it is joy and strength in the present1 and it lights up the future with a great hope4 ,we are not much concerned about speculations regarding the future2 for we know that we are in the hands of our ,lover4 ,all that we care to assert of the future is1 that ,christ will in an ever fuller degree be the environment of all ,christian souls1 and the effect of that constant environment will fulfil the aspiration of the apostle1 ,we shall be like ,him1 for we shall see ,him as ,he is4 ,communion produces likeness4 ,this even now is the test of our friendship with the ,lord4 ,are we assimilating ,his mind1 ,his way of looking at things1 ,his judgments1 ,his spirit8 ,is the ,christ-conscience being developed in us8 ,have we an increasing interest in the things which interest ,him1 an increasing love of the things that ,he loves1 an increasing desire to serve the purposes ,he has at heart8 ,ye are ,my friends if ye do whatsoever ,i command you1 is the test by which we can try ourselves4 ,fellowship with ,him1 being much in ,his company1 thinking of ,him1 seeking to please ,him1 will produce likeness1 and bring us together on more intimate terms4 ,for1 as love leads to the desire for fuller fellowship2 so fellowship leads to a deeper love4 ,even if sometimes we almost doubt whether we are really in this blessed covenant of friendship1 our policy is to go on loving ,him1 serving ,him1 striving to please ,him2 and we will yet receive the assurance1 which will bring peace2 ,he will not disappoint us at the last4 ,it is worth all the care and effort we can give1 to have and to keep ,him for our friend who will be a lasting possession1 whose life enters into the very fibre of our life1 and whose love makes us certain of ,god4 ,we ought to use our faith in this friendship to bless our lives4 ,to have an earthly friend1 whom we trust and reverence1 can be to us a source of strength1 keeping us from evil1 making us ashamed of evil4 ,the dearer the friend and the more spiritual the friendship1 the keener will be this feeling1 and the more needful does it seem to keep the garments clean4 ,it must reach its height of intensity and of moral effectiveness in the case of friendship with ,god4 ,there can be no motive on earth so powerful4 ,if we could only have such a friendship1 we see at once what an influence it might have over our life4 ,we can appreciate more than the joy1 and peace1 and comfort of it2 we can feel the power of it4 ,to know ourselves ever before a living1 loving ,presence1 having a constant sense of ,christ abiding in us1 taking ,him with us into the marketplace1 into our business and our pleasure1 to have ,him as our familiar friend in joy and sorrow1 in gain and loss1 in success and failure1 must1 in accordance with all psychological law1 be a source of strength1 lifting life to a higher level of thought1 and feeling1 and action4 ,supposing it were true and possible1 it would naturally be the strongest force in the world1 the most effective motive that could be devised3 it would affect the whole moral outlook1 and make some things easy now deemed impossible1 and make some things impossible now to our shame too easy4 ,supposing this covenant with ,god were true1 and we knew ourselves to have such a ,lover of our soul1 it would1 as a matter of course1 give us deeper and more serious views of human life1 and yet take away from us the burden and the unrest of life4 ,unless history be a lie1 and experience a delusion1 it is true4 ,the world is vocal with a chorus of witness to the truth of it4 ,from all sorts and conditions of men comes the testimony to its reality--from the old1 who look forward to this ,friend to make their bed in dying2 from the young1 who know ,his aid in the fiery furnace of temptation2 from the strong1 in the burden of the day and the dust of the battle1 who know the rest of ,his love even in the sore labor2 from the weak1 who are mastered by ,his gracious pity1 and inspired by ,his power to suffer and to bear4 ,christ's work on earth was to make the friendship of ,god possible to all4 ,it seems too good to be true1 too wondrous a condescension on ,his part1 but its reality has been tested1 and attested1 by generations of believers4 ,this covenant of friendship is open to us1 to be ours in life1 and in death1 and past the gates of death4 ,the human means of communication is prayer1 though we limit it sadly4 ,prayer is not an act of worship merely1 the bending of the knee on set occasions1 and offering petitions in need4 ,it is an attitude of soul1 opening the life on the ,godward side1 and keeping free communication with the world of spirit4 ,and so1 it is possible to pray always1 and to keep our friendship ever green and sweet3 and ,god comes back upon the life1 as dew upon the thirsty ground4 ,there is an interchange of feeling1 a responsiveness of love1 a thrill of mutual friendship4 ,you must love ,him1 ere to you ,he shall seem worthy of your love4 ,the great appeal of the ,christian faith is to ,christian experience4 ,loving ,christ is its own justification1 as every loving heart knows4 ,life evidences itself3 the existence of light is its own proof4 ,the power of ,christ on the heart needs no other argument than itself4 ,men only doubt when the life has died out1 and the light has waned1 and flickered1 and spent itself4 ,it is when there is no sign of the spirit in our midst1 no token of forces beyond the normal and the usual1 that we can deny the spirit4 ,it is when faith is not in evidence that we can dispute faith4 ,it is when love is dead that we can question love4 ,the ,christian faith is not a creed1 but a life2 not a proposition1 but a passion4 ,love is its own witness to the soul that loves3 communion is its own attestation to the spirit that lives in the fellowship4 ,the man who lives with ,jesus knows ,him to be a ,lover that cleaves closer than a brother1 a ,friend that loveth at all times1 and a ,brother born for adversity4 ,it does not follow that there is an end of the question1 so far as we are concerned1 if we say that we at least do not know that friendship1 and cannot love ,him4 ,some even say it with a wistful longing1 ,oh1 that ,i knew where ,i might find ,him4 ,it is true that love cannot be forced1 that it cannot be made to order1 that we cannot love because we ought1 or even because we want4 ,but we can bring ourselves into the presence of the lovable4 ,we can enter into ,friendship through the door of ,discipleship2 we can learn love through service2 and the day will come to us also when the ,master's word will be true1 ,i call you no longer servant1 but ,i call you friend4 ,his love will take possession of us1 till all else seems as hatred in comparison4 ,all lovers blush when ye stand beside ,christ1 says ,samuel ,rutherford2 woe unto all love but the love of ,christ4 ,shame forevermore be upon all glory but the glory of ,christ2 hunger forevermore be upon all heaven but ,christ4 ,i cry death1 death be upon all manner of life but the life of ,christ4 ,to be called friends by our ,master1 to know ,him as the ,lover of our souls1 to give ,him entrance to our hearts1 is to learn the meaning of living1 and to experience the ecstasy of living4 ,the ,higher ,friendship is bestowed without money and without price1 and is open to every heart responsive to ,god's great love4 ',t is only heaven that is given away1 ',t is ,god alone may be had for the asking4