,,the ,good ,housekeeping ,,marriage ,,book ,,the ,,contributors ,ernest ,r4 ,groves ,james ,l4 ,mc,conaughy ,ellsworth ,huntington ,eleanor ,roosevelt ,gladys ,hoagland ,groves ,elizabeth ,bussing ,jessie ,marshall ,hornell ,hart ,frances ,bruce ,strain ,william ,lyon ,phelps ,stanley ,g4 ,dickinson ,,the ,good ,housekeeping ,,marriage ,,book#g ,twelve ,steps to a ,happy ,marriage ,,edited ,,by ,william ,f4 ,bigelow ,,former ,,editor ,good ,housekeeping ,,magazine ,,foreword by ,helen ,judy ,bond ,,garden ,,city ,,publishing ,,co41 ,,inc4 ,garden ,city1 ,new ,york ,garden ,city ,publishing ,co4 ,,reprint ,,edition1 #aidi1 by special arrangement with ,prentice-,hall1 ,inc4 ,copyright1 #aich1 by ,,prentice-,,hall1 ,,inc4 ,,all ,,rights ,,reserved4 ,,no ,,part ,,of ,,this ,,book ,,may ,,be ,,reproduced ,,in ,,any ,,form1 ,,by ,,mimeograph ,,or ,,any ,,other ,,means1 ,,without ,,permission ,,in ,,writing ,,from ,,the ,,publishers4 ,,printed ,,in ,,the ,,united ,,states ,,of ,,america ,william ,f4 ,bigelow ,introduction ,the articles that are printed in this book made what was in my opinion the most important1 the most constructive1 series on a single subject that ,good ,housekeeping has published in the quarter century and more that ,i was its editor4 ,and they might so easily never have been written--just a little item in a newspaper missed1 or its significance overlooked1 and these sincere and helpful articles would still be locked up in the minds and hearts of the men and women who wrote them4 ,for it all happened just like that4 ,students in one of the larger ,california universities asked that a course in marriage relations be given--and a ,new ,york newspaper heralded it with a stick of type over about page #aj4 ,somehow the item impressed me deeply4 ,here were thousands of students of both sexes1 thinking of marriage1 physically impelled toward marriage1 admitting that they wanted more information about marriage before undertaking it4 ,add to these students the hundreds of thousands in other colleges and to them the millions of young men and young women outside of college--and there was ,youth itself1 visioning marriage as the ,great ,adventure1 which no one should miss1 but about which there were grave reports4 ,i have heard lots about ,youth in recent years--its lackadaisical attitude toward all serious things1 its tendency to look the moral code straight in the eye and smash it1 its belief that chastity isn't worth its cost or success in marriage worth working for4 ,and ,i had disbelieved much that ,i had heard1 it having been my privilege to work with and for young people in high school and college over a long period of years4 ,i knew that ,youth is looking for something better than it is being given in either precept or example4 ,and so this request of a group of college young people seemed to me to be both a challenge and an opportunity4 ,i accepted the challenge4 ,the next step was to find out how best to meet it4 ,it seemed to me that to offer our young people anything less than the best that ,i could get would be letting them down4 ,so ,i turned for advice to several college men who had made a long study of the problems involved in marriage1 and from the various lists of subjects and authors suggested--adding a few of my own--selected the group now presented in permanent form in this book4 ,if these articles make success in marriage seem something that must constantly be worked for1 they at the same time show that success1 plus the happiness that goes with it1 can be achieved4 ,which is all1 ,i think1 that any man or woman has a right to ask for4 ,,william ,f4 ,,bigelow ,helen ,judy ,bond ,foreword ,if by some strange chance1 not a vestige of us descended to the remote future save a pile of our schoolbooks or some examination papers1 we may imagine how puzzled an antiquarian of the period would be on finding in them no indication that the learners were ever likely to be parents4 ,this must have been the curriculum for their celibates1 we may fancy him concluding4 ,i perceive here an elaborate preparation for many things2 especially for reading the books of extinct nations and of coexisting nations 7from which1 indeed1 it seems clear that these people had very little worth reading in their own tongue72 but ,i find no reference whatever to the bringing up of children4 ,they could not have been so absurd as to omit all training for this gravest of responsibilities4 ,evidently1 then1 this was the school course of one of their monastic orders4 ,,herbert ,,spencer ,this quotation from the pen of ,herbert ,spencer arrested our attention this winter when we were reading a number of books dealing with various epoch-making periods in the development of educational method and theory4 ,we closed the book and pondered over the inferences made by this leader and we began to speculate on what an antiquarian of the present period might say of our textbooks1 our curricula1 and our examination papers4 ,we hope in his search that it might be his good fortune to unearth the syllabi of some of our courses on ,education for ,marriage and ,family ,life1 some of the worthwhile literature which is being written on the subject1 even perhaps the ,good ,housekeeping ,marriage ,book4 ,if these happened to be the only remaining record of the period1 we might fancy him concluding1 ,ah1 what an enlightened people there must have been in the twentieth century4 ,i perceive here preparation for real life problems4 ,this must have been a school course for all the ,youth of that generation4 ,this volume represents a definite step in the advancement of this ideal4 ,we wish to express to ,dr4 ,william ,f4 ,bigelow1 former ,editor of ,good ,housekeeping1 our sincere appreciation for the kindly way in which he received the idea of publishing these valuable articles in permanent form and his readiness to help in every way possible in carrying this idea through to completion4 ,to each author we wish to express our gratitude for the important contribution he has made1 not only in giving new interpretation and new meaning to the institution of marriage1 but also for rendering valuable assistance in the solution of many of the problems which confront the ,youth of today as they approach this most challenging1 most demanding1 most satisfying and most rewarding of ,life's experiences4 ,h4 ,j4 ,b4 ,table of ,contents ,,chapter ,,page ,introduction--,dr4 ,william ,f4 ,bigelow v ,foreword--,helen ,judy ,bond vii ,i4 ,when ,he ,comes ,a-,courting--,dr4 ,ernest ,r4 ,groves #a ,,ii4 ,now ,that ,you ,are ,engaged--,dr4 ,james ,l4 ,mc,conaughy #ac ,,iii4 ,ought ,i to ,marry8--,dr4 ,ellsworth ,huntington #bg ,,iv4 ,should ,wives ,work8--,eleanor ,roosevelt #dc ,v4 ,learning to ,live ,together--,gladys ,hoagland ,groves #ed ,,vi4 ,marriage ,makes the ,money ,go--,elizabeth ,bussing #ff ,,vii4 ,children8 ,of ,course6--,jessie ,marshall1 ,m4 ,d #hj ,,viii4 ,detour ,around ,reno--,dr4 ,hornell ,hart #ig ,,ix4 ,sex ,instruction in the ,home--,frances ,bruce ,strain #aaa ,x4 ,religion in the ,home--,william ,lyon ,phelps #abf ,,xi4 ,it ,pays to be ,happily ,married--,stanley ,g4 ,dickinson #adj ,,xii4 ,the ,case for ,monogamy--,dr4 ,ernest ,r4 ,groves and ,gladys ,h4 ,groves #aed ,dr4 ,ernest ,r4 ,groves ,,chapter ,,one ,when ,he ,comes ,a-,courting ,never were ,american young people more conscious of the challenge of marriage4 ,they are not willing to accept the idea they have often heard expressed by their elders that marriage is a lottery4 ,neither do they believe that when they marry1 they are given a blank check which permits them to draw from the bank of happiness as they please4 ,instead1 even though they do not know how to go about it1 they feel more and more that there is something they need to do to give themselves a fair chance of achieving success4 ,a mere acquiescent waiting for ,fate to come and lead them into paradise is contrary to their spirit4 ,they seek as best they know how some way of finding their proper mate and some means of becoming equal to the testing that even the most reckless of them in their better moments realize that marriage is sure to bring4 ,this fact-facing of the marriage problem shows1 more fully than anything else could1 how much our youth today are expecting from marriage4 ,even those marriages that peter out and sink to a barren drabness started out with high hopes1 and1 although the victims may not know what brought about their mishap1 they generally feel there was blundering somewhere and that this need not have happened4 ,some young people grow cynical because they are so familiar with matrimonial failures2 but most of them1 even when they have noticed that many of their friends are unhappily married1 become more determined to find1 if they can1 the secret of success4 ,this leads them to ask for help1 for insight1 and to become fact-seeking with a frankness that seems to be their most marked characteristic4 ,they have not been led into this attitude by any influence from their elders2 they have acquired it from their own realistic approach to the marriage problem1 which they clearly see has more emotional meaning than anything else that is likely to come to them through choice during their lifetime4 ,this request for help by young people in courtship1 in engagement1 in their first years of marriage1 and when they plan to assume parenthood1 cannot be met merely by words of caution4 ,they do not welcome just being told what they should not do4 ,what they seek is positive assistance4 ,they do not want advice1 but they want information and insight4 ,they have become convinced that there are facts about marriage that people have learned through experience1 especially through the searching of the scientists1 and they ask that they be given the advantage of this knowledge4 ,these young men and women do not take kindly to a marriage program which merely lists the qualities that one ought to find in one's mate4 ,even from a very little courtship experience they come to realize that one does not desire to marry abstract virtues1 however desirable1 but a flesh-and-blood person whom one desperately wants4 ,what they seek is a guidance which will keep them from wanting the kind of person they should not marry4 ,they expect to fall in love1 but hope to escape immature1 untrustworthy emotions4 ,they want to make a grown-up choice or at least to pick a mate in whose fellowship they can develop the character they know they need to achieve happiness4 ,first of all they ask for information that will help them make good use of their courtship opportunity4 ,they rightly feel that if they blunder in this period1 there is little hope of their making their goal later4 ,they have grown suspicious of a strong feeling of attachment1 because they have been forced to see in the experiences of many of their friends that this has not guaranteed later happiness4 ,they expect to have sooner or later an overwhelming impulse to join their life to that of another human being1 and they ask3 ,how can ,i protect myself from giving my affection to the wrong person8 ,how can ,i learn when it is safe to trust my own strong emotions8 ,i know ,i shall be just as others are1 unable to hold back1 blind to the other's faults1 but surely before this happens ,i can do something that will keep me from growing fond of a person whom ,i ought not to marry6 ,people who study marriage and become familiar with its emotional demands must have learned some facts that offer guidance in choosing a life mate4 ,indeed1 there are such1 and here are some that prove useful during courtship1 the destiny-deciding period in most people's matrimonial career3 #a4 ,don't let yourself fall in love with the first person who comes along2 meet as many young people of the opposite sex as you can4 ,the young man or young woman should seek to know as many agreeable1 companionable persons of the opposite sex as possible without the strain of attempting to establish a reputation for popularity4 ,these acquaintances1 as much as possible1 should have a background essentially similar to one's own1 and they should be sought as friends rather than as lovers4 ,it is obvious that one's affection must turn to some one whom one knows1 and before the awakening of strong feeling there should be as wide an experience--the man with women1 and the woman with men--as possible4 ,he or she who fails to go about with young people1 as opportunity comes1 loses the only way there is to gain the knowledge that is necessary later to make a wise choice of husband or wife4 #b4 ,don't judge by party manners and dress2 everyday life is different4 ,in this association with members of the opposite sex1 the young man or woman should seek to know1 in as many and as everyday situations as possible1 those who prove attractive4 ,the party and the dance need not be neglected4 ,anyone who proves interesting at such occasions must1 however1 also be known in other more usual and commonplace circumstances4 ,the mere being with members of the opposite sex will not in itself bring insight4 ,one must learn to observe the reactions1 the attitudes1 the emotional characteristics of anyone whom one likes4 ,effort must be made to explore the other's personality1 not in a cold-blooded1 analytical way1 but naturally and yet with open eyes1 so that there may be genuine understanding of the characteristics of those who seem to be good candidates for matrimony4 #c4 ,study your own emotional reactions as you go along2 your mate should bring out the best that is in you4 ,this association should also help the young man or woman to become better acquainted with himself or herself4 ,marriage happiness cannot be achieved merely by asking that the other give4 ,there must also be one's own offering in the fellowship4 ,nothing helps clear up one's own motives1 desires1 and preferences so much as contact with others4 ,we find ourselves liking some people better than others4 ,we learn to understand ourselves through our own choices4 ,this teaches us that self-acquaintance which measurably helps in choosing the right mate4 ,it is particularly important that we see the effect that others have upon us4 ,what we ourselves possess we are most apt to draw out from others4 ,the kind of mate we need for happiness is one who stirs up the best in us1 and not merely the most entertaining or the most physically stimulating of our acquaintances4 ,matrimony is not a short1 hilarious excursion1 but a serious lifetime undertaking4 99 99 99 99 99 ,another thing we want to learn before we choose our mate is the wearing character of any courtship candidate4 #d4 ,does he1 or she1 wear well8 ,if you are bored now1 think of what you may have to endure later4 ,wearing qualities are not so easy to find out as some other things2 but1 if we are alert1 we can notice whether a friend who has attracted us holds his own as we go about with him or there is a tendency on our part toward a letting down of interest4 ,many of those who lose matrimonial zest and merely have a tolerable relationship in marriage blunder at this point4 ,usually they have not thought of the need of finding out during courtship whether the friendship that started with promise keeps its pace2 they have been unconscious of the drift toward a less meaningful relationship1 or have assumed that that was an inevitable result of being together constantly4 ,it is true that the emotions do somewhat settle themselves1 but they do not become weaker because they are more stable and less violent in expression4 ,much association with the right sort of person in courtship should increase rather than decrease the emotional ties that hold the two young people together4 #e4 ,will he1 or she1 grow with you--in mind and in character8 ,if not1 your own growth will make you unhappy4 ,another of the more difficult tasks that must be assumed in a wise courtship program is discovering whether there are in the person one is beginning to like incentives toward growth4 ,there is one certain thing in any marriage3 it is impossible for those who enter such an alliance to remain stationary2 either they grow in character or they lose ground4 ,the mere possession of ambition is not evidence of the desire to grow up emotionally4 ,one has to probe the ideals of the other person4 ,the question is1 ,does he or she have the character-vitality to develop emotional maturity8 ,if this is lacking1 successful marriage is seldom achieved1 and for one who has gained this trait to be tied to a spouse who cannot attain it is tragic for the well-matured person4 #f4 ,will he1 or she1 put father or mother ahead of wife or husband8 ,look out for apron strings4 ,there is something that the psychiatrist warns us about that we cannot wisely forget in our courtships4 ,we must free ourselves from entanglements in our emotional make-up that may have had their beginning in childhood1 and we must especially avoid marrying anyone who has such liabilities and makes no effort to be rid of them4 ,an example is father fixation or mother fixation4 ,we all know from experience persons who cannot grow up from their childhood dependency1 and they make very trying husbands or wives4 ,they are easily spotted if one is only keen in noticing what takes place1 because they are constantly showing their childishness1 and we can be sure that they will continue both to reveal and to nurse their weakness throughout life in such a way as to be discouraging and irritating in marriage and parenthood relationships4 #g4 ,can he1 or she1 take it8 ,you know what they call it in the army4 ,although there are many virtues that one would like to find in any candidate for matrimony1 there is one that we must look for seriously2 if it is absent1 turn away from an alliance that is almost certain to fail4 ,that is pluck4 ,marriage1 like life itself1 puts upon persons demands that can be met only by courage4 ,the fair-weather type of person is certain to be disappointing in the critical1 character-revealing experiences that are bound to arise in marriage and in parenthood4 ,it is difficult not to grow bitter if one finds himself or herself married to a mate who does not have the pluck to meet the disappointments1 the hardships1 the testing of ideals1 that must appear in every husband-wife relationship4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it would be much easier for young people1 we often think1 if courtship did not make its start at the same time that the young man or woman is feeling in full force the body changes1 the nervous readjustments1 and the impulses to escape childhood dependency that come with puberty4 ,the fact is1 however1 that our type of courtship largely results from using the energy of this adolescent upheaval4 ,there is a redirecting of the forces that mark the awakening of puberty and then start flowing through the entire personality4 ,courtship becomes a sublimation1 as the scientist says1 a reshaping of this energy so that later there may be a higher1 more mature satisfaction of the desires that follow along with this influx of new vitality1 this strange1 unexpected interest in members of the other sex4 ,undoubtedly modern youth face in this experience a greater ordeal than did their parents4 ,this comes about from changes in our way of living and the effect they have had upon marriage1 particularly upon our expectations when we enter matrimony4 ,in times past the economic advantages of being married were so great and1 as a rule1 the struggle of life was so hard1 that there was no opportunity to overload marriage with expectations and make its successes and its failures so exclusively the satisfying or denying of emotions4 ,of course our tendency is to ask too much of marriage4 ,we demand that it fulfill every purpose of the heart2 thus some disappointment1 once one enters upon the career of marriage1 is inescapable4 ,the young man and woman who have entered marriage expect to grasp much too soon the happiness which their emotions demand4 ,the imagination has such a free range while romance runs at full tide that it would be strange indeed if the imagination did not go far beyond the possibilities of any human relationship4 ,this readjustment of expectation is what we mean by matrimonial maturity4 ,the young person who refuses to play the game of marriage1 just as soon as it appears that complete fulfillment of youthful wishes is not to be had1 cannot grow up and never comes to see that the greater satisfactions must come out of self-discipline1 emotional restraint1 and a love of response that does not ask what is beyond human achievement4 ,not through a bringing to life of his rosy dreams of contentment1 but in a fellowship that deepens through the maturing of emotional life1 must one find the values of either marriage or family life4 99 99 99 99 99 ,although the wise use of courtship is the most important preparation for marriage happiness1 it is not the only way we clarify and mature the emotions in our efforts to be happily married4 ,engagement brings its peculiar challenge1 and again demands are made that surge with emotions and need to be dealt with consciously and practically4 ,one of these has to do with sex1 and in a very definite way4 ,the modern young man and woman are familiar with the fact that wholesome marriage requires good marital adjustment4 ,they think of this as the sex side of marriage4 ,in recent years they have heard much concerning the need of adequate sex technique in marriage4 ,not only do they wish information that will prepare them to handle this problem1 but often they also need to get rid of their worry that they may fail in this relationship4 ,this anxiety is more common than one might expect1 both in men and in women4 ,even those who are exceedingly sophisticated frequently have such fears4 ,they wonder if they have in some way made their adjustment difficult4 ,the last days of engagement frequently stir up feelings of doubt4 ,these1 born of the thought of the seriousness of the marriage near at hand1 easily become allied with the anxious thoughts regarding sex adjustment in marriage4 ,there is every reason for giving young people at this time the information they need to enter marriage as easily and satisfactorily as possible4 ,to give them a fair start we also have to take away the nervous dread that may become their chief difficulty4 ,this must be done not by attempting to extract the emotion as we pull a tooth but by destroying the fear by building up its opposite1 security4 ,this is the way we always get rid of hazardous emotions3 we destroy them as we alkalize acids4 ,the reason why so much is made of sex technique as a preparation for marriage is partly that in the past we have utterly neglected this side of marriage and also that it is the easiest problem to handle4 ,needed information can be clearly and definitely given1 and there are a number of excellent books1 widely read1 that provide this preparation for young people about to be married4 ,such literature needs to be read calmly so as to avoid exaggeration and not in the spirit of panic that sometimes leaves young people worse off rather than better prepared for their marriage relationships4 ,since sex is so highly emotional and its difficulties as they appear in marriage are almost always psychic in character--that is1 born of brain experience as a result of earlier suggestions and happenings--it is fortunate that we have something besides a book to offer young people that they may be sure they are well prepared to deal with the sex side of marriage4 ,doctors have developed a counseling service designed to give young men and young women before they marry the assurance that they need4 ,this is the premarital examination so popular among college people about to be married and becoming more and more a part of their routine of matrimonial preparation4 ,the young man and young woman1 and especially the latter1 either together or separately go to a physician who is interested in presenting the sex problems of marriage and is familiar with the technique of the premarital examination and can give young people a clear understanding of the meaning of marital adjustment4 ,this examination includes finding out whether there are any structural or nervous obstacles to marital happiness1 the giving of specific information regarding any worry1 doubt1 or ignorance felt by the person being examined1 the giving of counsel that will help make successful adjustment easier to achieve1 and1 if this is requested1 the giving of sound birth-control instruction4 ,the premarriage examination does so much to lessen the tension before marriage and to prevent temporary discouragements or ungrounded fears after marriage that it is no wonder that it has been accepted rapidly by young people who have come to know its value4 ,soon it will become a commonplace preparedness sought by all thoughtful1 sincere young people who are about to marry4 ,it is best obtained at least two weeks before the wedding4 ,since there are sometimes mild physical conditions that need treatment and that can be cleared up if there is sufficient time1 many doctors prefer that the examination be made at least a month before the marriage4 ,it is true that not every physician is prepared to give this assistance1 but the number of those who can is rapidly growing as doctors become conscious of their responsibility for this new type of preparation for marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,generally a most useful part of this service is the opportunity it gives the doctor and the patient to talk together frankly and clearly about sex adjustment so as to take away the emotional handicaps that are the chief cause of maladjustment4 ,these difficulties1 when they are deeply rooted1 and especially when they are unrecognized1 play havoc in marital adjustment4 ,most often they are the result of some sort of suggestion or happening far back in the earliest days of childhood that led to fear1 shame1 or guilt1 the three chief enemies of happy sex life in marriage4 ,the mere opportunity to talk over anything related to sex adjustment about which they are anxious brings to many young people a wonderful relief4 ,the best way to get the full value of this service is to read first1 as young people are so anxious to do1 some sensible1 honest1 and reliable book that at least in part treats the problems of sex adjustment in marriage1 and then to gather up the questions that are personally troublesome or that come because something is not quite clear and take them to the physician at the time of the premarital examination4 ,young people should realize also that beyond the value of this examination in itself1 it is helpful in that it encourages an intelligent attitude toward all later problems that may arise in marriage4 ,it emphasizes the fact that the best way of dealing with any difficulty is to face it frankly1 try to understand it1 and then seek the best possible help4 ,young people are so conscious of the help they need for the carrying on of their marriage and family career that in every part of the ,united ,states we have petitions from students asking college administrators for courses in preparation for marriage4 ,but if every college were giving this instruction1 we could not expect that it would reach all ,american youth4 ,other institutions and organizations must carry on in the same way1 so that other groups than college young people may get their chance to have a modern entrance into marriage4 ,the need of emotional preparedness for marriage must be stressed4 ,the opportunity to start marriage right by bringing the resources of experience and of science should be the birthright of all ,american youth4 ,these young people seek specific1 practical information that will give them insight4 ,they are eager to keep to the pathway leading not only to a satisfying marriage but to a marriage whose meaning goes forward along with our advancing civilization4 ,dr4 ,james ,l4 ,mc,conaughy ,,chapter ,,two ,now ,that ,you ,are ,engaged ,love is blind1 says the adage4 ,love should be open-eyed and wise1 say the modern engaged couple4 ,a successful marriage depends upon two factors--emotions and brains2 no marriage succeeds unless these are combined4 ,falling in love is essential1 but one can fall out of love as well4 ,falling in love is the business of the emotions2 staying there1 holding your lover's affection1 requires brains4 ,a lifetime of happy intimacy between two individuals as different as a young man and a young women can be attained if the mind is used4 ,it is only the old fogy who thinks modern young people know too much4 ,psychology teaches us that all emotions deserve study2 if they are wisely utilized1 happiness results2 if they are thoughtlessly spent or thwarted1 we may pay the price in unsatisfied lives1 broken hopes1 sometimes in psychiatric disturbances4 ,the engagement period--if it is approached intelligently--can be a time not only of supreme happiness1 but of wise growth in understanding and preparation for marriage4 ,unfortunately1 modern young people sometimes resent the idea that any one else can help them solve their problems4 ,advice may seem to them interference4 ,we are going to live our own lives4 ,why should any one else care what we do8 ,why should outsiders feel that they have a right to tell us 'do' or 'don't'8 ,such an attitude is understandable1 but it is unfortunate1 and the young people are the ones who suffer4 ,perhaps it is true that the older generation feels that it must advise youth1 even attempting to control it2 but it is also true that we1 nearer the end of the road1 should be qualified to furnish a map of the way to those about to start out upon it4 ,thanks to modern scientific methods1 the map is now much more accurate than the one handed over to us4 ,there are certain well-charted highroads where there were once only brambled trails4 ,among the scientific methods are the statistical studies of marriage2 these show certain interesting conclusions4 ,college people have a higher percentage of successful marriages--at least1 they show a lower divorce ratio4 ,apparently college graduates use their minds in picking a mate and in preparing for marriage4 ,marriages between those who have gone to coeducational colleges appear to have a still higher chance of success4 ,this is probably the result of close association between the sexes in such institutions4 ,but the use of one's mind is what is important2 marriage can be fully as successful for those who are not college-trained4 ,according to statistical studies1 overdominance by parents decreases the chance of successful marriage4 ,apron strings never aid engaged couples4 ,a good rule for families is to let the young people avail themselves of parental suggestion1 not to force dictates upon them4 ,statistically1 more marriages succeed if each partner has had an earlier love affair4 ,it is1 say the experts1 an asset to have had boy or girl friends with whom you thought for a time you were in love4 ,of course all of us know completely happy marriages of boy and girl sweethearts2 most of us also know unhappy couples who first became engaged during their teens1 one of whom has entirely outgrown the other1 with mismating as a result4 ,such mismating is not at first apparent--may not be for several years4 ,the man usually1 by the nature of his occupation1 meets more people than does the woman4 ,he finds himself in more varied and interesting situations1 and may become a more colorful1 a bigger person than his wife4 ,occasionally the converse may be true4 ,at any rate1 it is a tragic thing when either husband or wife so far outgrows the other that they have no common interest1 no mutual pleasures4 ,the engagement period is the time to prove the quality of love4 ,are you--the girl--capable of growth8 ,can you1 harassed by household tasks1 keep up with your husband as he develops in the world of men8 ,are you--the man--so congenial with this girl whom you wish to marry that you will want to share your experiences with her1 in situations very different from those of courtship and engagement days8 ,the engagement period itself is not altogether an easy time4 ,wise young people can make it one of fuller acquaintance and of growth in thoughtfulness and courtesy4 ,on the other hand1 most engaged couples will discover small faults in each other1 even when they are deeply in love4 ,details that had been invisible before may now loom large4 ,carelessness in personal habits1 manners1 speech1 and attitude may become irritants that jeopardize romance4 ,a trait that may have been a source of amusement before now becomes irritating and exasperating4 ,if the trait is a fundamental one1 marriage should be even more searchingly questioned1 although the wedding date may be only a few weeks off4 ,much has been written about the girl who marries a man to reform him2 if the reformation is not completed during the engagement1 the chances of success after marriage are small4 ,yes1 this new intimacy of the engagement period may indeed be trying4 ,tact is required to avoid fault-finding1 nagging1 and jealousy4 ,a few lovers' quarrels do not matter--they give flavor to a romance--but scolding and criticism do4 ,romance dies when thoughtless quarreling enters4 ,an engaged man should be even more of a gentleman than the courting swain2 the girl with a ring on the third finger of her left hand should strive to be even more charming and feminine than the heart-free lass4 ,besides the problems of personality adjustment that propinquity presents1 there are such questions as these to look into3 ,is one standard of moral conduct after marriage to apply to both8 ,how free is each partner to be8 ,what opportunity is the girl to have to be herself1 have her own interests and friends and money8 ,how soon is the first child wanted8 ,further--and just as important--the problems of the financial outlook can be worked on during the engagement period4 ,the wise couple discuss thoroughly their financial setup1 draw up a budget1 and use their present resources to acquire equipment for the new home4 ,they decide questions which are to form the basis of the marriage and largely influence its success3 ,is the wife to have her own share of the family income1 her own checking account8 ,must she ask her husband for money for each household expense1 or will she have an allowance on which to run the home8 ,in addition1 is she to have money for her own personal uses1 with no more accounting required than is expected of the husband's expenditures for tobacco and other personal whims8 ,while such matters are being talked over and decided with mutual consideration1 training for marriage itself is under way4 ,the engaged couple may well learn to put into practice two simple yet very helpful suggestions for married people3 never both lose your temper at the same time2 make the other laugh once daily4 ,they may also acquire an art which contributes definitely to happiness in marriage3 playing together4 ,i think this is sound advice for brides-to-be3 ,if he is a golfer1 try to learn enough about the game at least to respond to his enthusiasm4 ,if he fishes1 encourage him and try to learn why such a simple sport thrills him4 ,if baseball is his game1 do not disdain his choice for an afternoon's relaxation2 if he wants you to join him1 go and learn enough to enjoy the game with him2 if he wants to go with men friends1 encourage him1 and do not fear this means his love is cooling6 7,romance thrives on occasional separations1 even occasional vacations from marriage47 ,be interested in his doings1 but do not be a nuisance4 99 99 99 99 99 ,grooms-to-be3 ,if she likes bridge1 improve your game and avoid embarrassing her by dumb bids and play4 ,if she enjoys art and finds an art exhibit worth while1 do not be the dumb male and say that this means nothing to you2 let her teach you what pictures can mean--and to real he men1 too4 ,if she enjoys good music--going to concerts or listening to the radio--try to share her pleasure and discover what it is that really gives her such satisfaction4 ,in other words1 if either has a favorite sport or a hobby1 the other should try to join in--at least in the evident satisfaction it gives4 ,just going to the movies1 or sitting on the sidelines watching others play1 is not the ideal joint use of leisure2 young couples should actually do something together4 ,exercise--active sports--helps keep every one up to par physically2 good health is one of the surest foundations for a happy marriage4 ,divorce thrives among those below par2 mental health1 serenity1 poise1 and mutual consideration are all aided by good physical condition4 ,and remember that mental energy needs an outlet1 too4 ,the stimulation of good conversation in mixed groups has a favorable effect on the emotional life of women as well as men4 ,american husbands often err in not drawing out their womenfolk2 contempt for their ideas is too frequent4 ,those who are wisest about successful marriages advise against long engagements4 ,a hasty marriage and a short engagement are not the same thing4 ,an engaged couple who are sure of their hearts and minds should be helped to marry as soon as the plans for the marriage can be wisely worked out4 ,this usually involves finances--,how soon can we afford it8 ,wise parents today cooperate so that the young couple do not have to wait too long4 ,in many cases the older generation1 if it can afford it1 may give a small allowance to the recently married son or daughter4 ,money thus given on a definite monthly basis for a previously determined period means much more than a small bequest when the father dies4 ,or the parents may agree1 on a plan carefully thought out1 to help if unexpected financial problems beset the young couple4 ,father may say that if illness overtakes either1 or if the first baby arrives earlier than planned1 or if a sudden decrease in salary comes1 he will gladly help--not with a loan or as a grudging charity but as an interested party to the success of the marriage4 ,if the man possibly can1 he should take out some insurance1 seeking unprejudiced advice before choosing between the many kinds of policies each company writes4 ,even if the policy is small1 it is at least a back log if tragedy comes2 furthermore1 meeting the insurance premiums is a fine first step toward regular saving4 ,marrying when either is in debt is to be avoided2 such a weight hanging over two young married people all too frequently mars the chances of happiness4 ,and if it is humanly possible1 no man should marry while others are dependent upon him4 ,one comment to engaged students3 ,unless the circumstances are exceptional1 do not marry until your professional training is done4 ,if the girl has her own income or an assured job1 perhaps so2 if parents will help if an emergency arises1 perhaps so2 otherwise wait until you are through professional school4 ,hospitals dislike to appoint married men as internes2 they are required to live in the hospital1 which means no home life4 ,law school and marriage do not usually mix well--nor engineering school1 nor any other form of post-graduate training4 ,the engaged man who is preparing for college teaching is usually wise if he asks the girl to wait4 ,many of us know of graduate students who married with only a fellowship or the wages of a wife as income1 whose marriages have been almost wrecked by sudden illness or a baby1 with resulting financial worries which have aged both the man and woman prematurely4 ,late marriage for professionally trained men is1 apparently1 one of the unfortunate results of the long period of preparation for a calling4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the case for postponement is just as strong when one or both are under-graduates in college1 with no professional training planned4 ,college marriages are not so wise as marriage after college work is finished4 ,there are exceptions1 however2 one knows of cases where marriage and return to college to finish was wise4 ,it is unfortunate that some colleges have rules debarring students who marry during the course2 secret marriages often result--and these are always to be deplored4 ,sometimes parental opposition1 or other factors1 seem to the young couple to be sufficient justification for a secret marriage4 ,the circumstances which can make this a wise decision are very1 very rare4 ,marriage is a public matter2 it should not be hidden4 ,the couple may feel that only their own lives are involved1 but they are all too often wrong4 ,even the best methods of birth control are far from #ajj percent dependable2 if a baby is coming1 the couple face announcements and explanations and recriminations just at a time when serenity and freedom from emotional strain are desirable1 particularly for the bride4 ,secrecy usually means hypocrisy2 often it means deceit4 ,figures show that secret marriages often produce marital unhappiness and an abnormal number of divorces4 ,the wedding date is chosen by the bride2 the honeymoon arrangements are the responsibility of the groom4 ,a wedding is fatiguing1 particularly to the girl2 the thoughtful man will not plan a long train or motor trip or tiring sightseeing or visits to new relatives2 new in-laws can be visited more wisely at a later time4 ,these days should be a period of intimate companionship2 a summer camp1 perhaps lent by a friend1 is ideal4 ,here1 surrounded by nature and not mankind1 relaxed honeymooners will find the rest and privacy which should be theirs4 ,where to live after the wedding8 ,obviously where the husband's job is4 ,no need to wait until his chance in the big city comes2 the small town is a better place to begin marriage4 ,friendships come easier1 life is simpler and usually cheaper4 ,the divorce rate is much higher in the cities than in small towns or rural regions4 ,fortunate that couple who start their married life in a town small enough so that neighbors are interested and helpful4 ,the city apartment house is the most impersonal form of dwelling mankind has devised4 ,if the first home does not have all the modern improvements1 it is no great tragedy4 ,more marriages are wrecked by too much free time than by too many home tasks to perform4 ,our grandparents married in the days of covered wagons and sodhouses and drought2 a dash of their spirit is a good ingredient in a modern marriage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,above all else1 the engaged couple should plan to have a home of their own1 even if it is only two rooms4 ,if economic considerations make them consider moving in with the in-laws1 let some one warn them that the adjustment of two personalities which marriage involves demands some privacy beyond that of a bedroom4 ,parents1 no matter how loving and wise1 help the newly married most when they do not live under the same roof with them4 ,loving interference1 irritation1 nervous tension1 usually go with living with the folks4 ,if they have to live with the older folks1 the young people should arrange to have two or three rooms of their own1 with their own privacies1 where they can entertain their own friends and be themselves4 ,if they live thus under the parental roof1 they can keep their self-respect by paying something a month as rent1 no matter how small4 ,furthermore1 they should own their furniture--at least some of it2 it should represent their own joint taste2 the possession of some lares and penates is a very good basis for a lifetime partnership4 ,the joint possession of material things is almost an essential to successful marriage4 ,should the girl hold her job after she marries8 ,some authorities say that a bride is better off1 emotionally more serene1 if she has some work--not too fatiguing--outside the home4 ,modern young people do not marry until they know that each brings to the marriage bodily fitness4 ,a medical examination1 with blood tests1 is required in many progressive states before a marriage license can be secured4 ,a doctor's certificate of bodily fitness for marriage is fully as essential as a marriage license4 ,such an examination gives a feeling of security to each individual and forwards the well being of society4 ,to many modern engaged couples the most disturbing question is1 ,shall we wait until marriage for physical union8 ,no question1 ,i think1 comes up more often in college courses and conferences on engagement and marriage4 ,we love each other devotedly2 why should we wait for a mere license and a public ceremony8 ,that testimony which trained doctors1 sociologists1 and psychiatrists give is entirely in favor of postponing all such relations until after the marriage ceremony4 ,furthermore1 statistics show that marriages in which the engaged couple do not go all the way seem to have a higher chance of success4 ,modern life has made this a keener difficulty for young people than it was for most of us older ones4 ,inhibitions have largely gone1 young people are allowed to work out their own problems2 the automobile1 tourist cabin1 and hotels with careless standards for their guests allow any engaged couple plenty of opportunity1 which we largely lacked4 ,if1 even though an engaged couple are passionately in love1 the temptation does not present itself at all1 they are fortunate2 there have been millions of happy marriages before in which this has taken care of itself naturally4 ,on the other hand1 if they have to face this situation frankly1 and decided to wait1 they need have no fear that this indicates a lack of sex feeling or that after marriage this relationship may fail because it has not been indulged in earlier4 ,but let us all realize frankly how often this problem troubles the majority of engaged couples--no matter how fine their principles may be4 ,understanding and love are more helpful in such situations than general advice and don't4 ,assisting the young couple to marry soon is usually the best help we can give4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if an engaged couple are willing to think this matter over as unemotionally as possible1 the following points may be considered3 ,postponement of marriage because of economic conditions has been a problem almost as old as the race2 they are not the first couple to face this difficulty4 ,revolt against the standards of home1 church1 and society is almost always an expensive decision2 secret actions are to be deplored2 worry about what may happen may destroy the serenity in love which should ideally characterize the engagement period4 ,they should be glad that they do have sex hunger1 but should recognize that each person owes just a little to the preservation of morality and social standards2 even if they feel that the conditions which beset them are hard1 they should think twice before placing themselves outside the pale of social sanction4 ,the engaged young man may well do some special thinking of his own4 ,no birth-control methods are sure2 the testimony of medical groups rates various procedures as from #bj percent to #ij percent safe2 no man who really loves his fiance would take the chance of getting her in trouble4 ,more of the responsibility of this decision rests on the man than on the girl4 ,she may seem to be entirely willing1 but the normal girl worries1 even if only over what her parents would think if they knew4 ,more than one marriage has been wrecked because of the psychiatric effect upon the girl of such practices during her engagement4 ,furthermore1 many engaged couples do not finally marry2 memories of forbidden intimacies are not going to make it easier for either to give himself or herself fully to the right person later on2 premarital relations with another may prove a real handicap to the full realization1 later1 of an ideal romance and marriage4 ,the complete realization of sex after marriage is never so fully accomplished1 emotionally and lovingly1 if the two have refused to wait4 ,even the most sophisticated young people have somewhere inside them hesitations about the wisdom of defying social standards4 ,there is a spiritual side to marriage2 practices in secret1 unapproved by others1 detract definitely from this important phase of marriage4 ,even if the young man can convince himself that not waiting is right1 in spite of what his fiance may say1 she is unlikely to agree in her heart4 ,very few men who rationalize themselves into believing that such a course of action is wise would be as willing to have their sister or--some day--their daughter do likewise4 ,remember these truths3 ,in married life itself there are many difficult decisions1 many things you would like to do1 which wisely you do not4 ,you are definitely preparing yourself for marriage in strengthening your character by saying no now4 ,if you have decided not to1 do not allow yourselves to be in situations which make it unduly difficult to carry out your decision4 ,drink stimulates the sex urge2 few decent people would enjoy remembering that their first sex experience came when they were stimulated by liquor4 ,if you drink1 avoid emotional situations in secret thereafter1 until this stimulus has worn off4 ,if you harass your serenity and loving contacts by reopening the decision every time you meet1 try to do things together in which this sex element does not present itself as a perpetual problem4 ,one couple beset each time they were together with the difficulty of carrying out their decision not to1 deliberately decided to visit art museums together instead of merely petting2 this new interest minimized the other problem and gave them something most worth while to discuss1 and it is now one of the many fine things in their married life4 ,margaret ,culkin ,banning1 in ,the ,reader's ,digest for ,august1 #aicg1 summarizes ,the ,case for ,chastity4 ,for the engaged couple1 the following of her points apply3 the girl who is unchaste with her fianc often hesitates to get competent medical advice2 venereal disease is a danger2 abortions are dangerous physically and emotionally2 fear should never accompany sex2 sex experience before marriage may harm sex later on2 one's moral code is violated2 some discoveries should be saved for marriage itself2 premarital relations stimulate jealousy after marriage2 early marriage is a better solution4 99 99 99 99 99 ,from the sociological standpoint we should take great satisfaction in the increasingly wise way in which young ,americans are approaching marriage4 ,fifteen years ago the subject was entirely neglected in our colleges2 today at least #ajj1jjj college boys and girls have the opportunity to enroll in college courses or to attend discussion conferences on marriage4 ,wise men and women have studied the basis for successful marriage and have written about it4 ,laws have been changed so that such books--written by ,american sociologists1 doctors1 and psychiatrists--are generally available in college libraries today4 ,however1 even the best books do not answer all the normal questions which arise4 ,in many progressive communities marriage clinics have been established1 where both engaged and married persons may secure advice from wise1 trained authorities4 ,the ideal consultant is a wise family doctor--especially if he has known both young people from childhood--to whom they can go together for a personal conference4 ,sometimes the family minister is wise enough to give help4 ,appropriate knowledge about sex is necessary for the engaged4 ,sexual experience is not4 ,certainly it can now be said--as it could not five years ago--that no modern marriage need be wrecked because the young couple did not know where to turn for helpful advice4 ,dr4 ,ellsworth ,huntington ,,chapter ,,three ,ought ,i ,to ,marry8 ,ought ,i to marry8 is not a simple question4 ,its answer is full of a thousand complications4 ,for the great majority of people it is one of the three most important questions that are ever answered or left unanswered in a whole lifetime4 ,the other two are ,what is my main purpose in life8 and ,what is to be my occupation8 ,they are old questions1 but ,ought ,i to marry8 is new4 ,in the old days everyone was married as a matter of course4 ,perhaps in the future the main question will be1 ,am ,i fit to be married8 ,ought ,i to marry8 is really three questions in one4 ,first1 ,have ,i a right to marry8 ,second1 ,is it wise for me to marry8 ,third1 ,is it my duty to marry8 ,you say1 perhaps1 that these questions are your own business and nobody else's1 but you are wrong4 ,they are somebody else's business1 and the somebodies else are a good deal more numerous than you think4 ,the first somebody is the man or girl whom you want to marry4 ,will it be good for him or her to marry you8 ,the next somebodies are the children whom you and your mate may have4 ,they have a right to be born with a good inheritance1 to be reared in good health1 and to be well trained in a happy home4 ,your children's children1 too1 will have a right to bless you or curse you1 according to your way of answering the question1 ,ought ,i to marry8 ,but even your children1 grandchildren1 and great-grandchildren are not all the somebodies who are vitally concerned with your answer4 ,hundreds of people will be helped or hindered by your home1 by the kind of person you become under its influence1 and by the kind of children who go out from it4 ,you and he1 or you and she1 are certainly the ones most immediately concerned in the question ,ought ,i to marry8 but your children's stake in the matter is even greater than yours4 ,now for the three questions which are implied when you ask1 ,ought ,i to marry8 ,first1 ,have ,i a right to marry8 ,every young person should ask this question4 ,fitness includes several aspects1 among which the first is physical4 ,the most inexcusable unfitness is venereal disease4 ,there is no meaner crime than for a young man to acquire venereal disease by reason of weakness of will1 and then pass it on to an innocent girl and perhaps to unborn children4 ,physicians say that in spite of so-called modern prophylaxis and supposed cures1 syphilis is still alarmingly common1 and other venereal diseases are rampant4 ,a person having any of these diseases has absolutely no right to marry4 ,even if he is pronounced cured1 he ought not to marry until a physician pronounces him cured beyond danger of recurrence4 ,for this reason the strictest premarital examination by a competent physician should be required4 ,marriage should be contracted only after such a physician has given both man and woman a clean bill of health4 ,this is desirable as a means not only of creating a public opinion which will express itself in laws1 but of giving both parties a feeling of security4 ,no matter how completely they may trust each other1 it is well to have a physician verify the trust4 ,another reason for a complete physical examination before marriage is to determine whether it is possible for both parties to have children4 ,sometimes expert medical advice and treatment make all the difference between a childless home and one that has the happiness of a well-rounded family4 ,in every marriage children should be an essential feature--the most essential feature in the long run4 ,in many countries sterility is sufficient grounds for divorce4 ,in an ideal civilization probably no marriage would be permitted between a person who appears to be sterile and one who appears normal4 ,the sterile would marry the sterile1 and the fertile the fertile4 ,even in our civilization what right has anyone to doom his partner to a childless marriage8 ,the overwhelming majority of people want children4 ,only the highly exceptional and pitiable woman is without this desire4 ,the normal man feels it almost as strongly as the woman when once the little hand of his own child clasps his finger4 ,of course unforeseen conditions may unexpectedly make one partner to a marriage sterile1 but that is another matter and by no means prevents a happy marriage4 ,in certain cases1 too1 it may be allowable for a fertile partner to marry one who is known to be sterile4 ,that should never happen1 however1 without the fullest knowledge on the part of both1 and without full time to think the matter over quietly and in complete freedom from the emotional strain caused by the loved one's frequent presence4 ,many childless marriages are rendered not only happy but very useful to society by the adoption of children4 ,it should always be remembered that from the standpoint not only of family life but of old age and of society in general1 children are the most important result of marriage4 ,the worst forms of unfitness for marriage are hereditary1 but some hereditary defects are mild1 some terrible4 ,there is much doubt as to whether many defects are hereditary or are the result of unfavorable conditions during pregnancy and early infancy4 ,far too much emphasis is placed upon external and easily visible defects in comparison with internal ones which cannot be so readily detected4 ,such minor hereditary defects as hare lip or misshaped fingers do not necessarily indicate unfitness for marriage4 ,they are far less dangerous than hereditary susceptibility to diseases such as diabetes or weakness of the heart1 which lead to unhappy marriages by reason of frequent illness or early death4 ,a hereditary tendency toward short-sightedness or defective teeth1 on the contrary1 may permit the longest and happiest of marriages4 ,all inherited defects are regrettable1 but practically no one is free from them in some minor form4 ,the sensible attitude toward minor hereditary defects is to balance their real importance against both the good and the bad qualities shown not only by the individual but by his brothers1 sisters1 parents1 and other relatives4 ,conscientious sufferers from visible defects of any kind are apt to overestimate their importance4 ,moreover1 many supposedly hereditary defects may equally well be the result of an unfavorable environment like that which caused similar defects in the parents4 ,under ideal conditions they might never appear at all4 ,in such matters1 too1 the best course is to consult a good physician4 ,often1 perhaps usually1 the best thing is merely to avoid marriage with a person showing defects like one's own1 and then strive to give your children so good an environment that only the best in them will have a chance to develop4 ,fortunately the vast majority of people inherit a fairly good assemblage of traits which balance in such a way as to produce normal human beings4 ,one type of deficiency1 however1 renders people genuinely unfit for marriage4 ,it takes various forms4 ,one form1 easily recognized1 is what is commonly called mental deficiency4 ,by this we mean not merely the kind of mind found in idiots and imbeciles1 but that which appears in morons and other high grade mental weaklings4 ,such mental weakness1 or feeble-mindedness1 is especially dangerous to society because it often afflicts people who are physically strong and attractive1 and who are eager to marry4 ,when such persons marry1 they exercise little self-control and are likely to have large families4 ,in this respect they are unlike mental defectives of lower types1 who rarely have many children and whose children are likely to die young4 ,high grade mental defectives tend to marry one another4 ,the result is bad in two ways4 ,first1 if the mental deficiency of one or both parents is hereditary1 as is often the case1 children with defective mental capacity are sure to be born1 and will in turn produce other defectives4 ,second1 even if the defects of the parents are due to accident or disease1 the children are almost sure to be badly brought up4 ,the chief type of mental weakness is emotional in nature4 ,here is a young fellow who as a boy was always a cry-baby and mamma's darling4 ,he is afraid to stand up for himself1 afraid of athletics1 afraid of girls2 and1 because of all this1 he is lonely1 morose1 and secretive4 ,here is a girl of great ability and charm but subject to fits of deep depression4 ,another young man loses his temper very easily and cherishes resentment for a long time over trivial matters4 ,the girl whom he is interested in is extremely self-conscious and thinks that she is being purposely slighted unless she is the center of everything4 ,others1 both boys and girls1 are excessively irritable1 very suspicious1 inordinately selfish1 hysterical1 vainglorious1 or in other ways show lack of self-control and emotional stability4 ,later in life such conditions may lead to intense misery4 ,nevertheless traits of this sort are often combined with very fine qualities in other respects4 ,this renders it extremely hard to decide whether such persons are fit for marriage4 ,it is extremely difficult to determine whether emotional instability1 selfishness1 and other undesirable traits are due to heredity or environment4 ,at this point we enter a field of great difficulty because a trait may be inborn1 but not hereditary4 ,a child may be born with serious handicaps because some ailment due to unfavorable environment prevented its mother from nourishing it properly before it was born4 ,such weakness is not truly hereditary4 ,it will not appear in later generations unless the mothers of those generations also suffer from environmental conditions similar to those which prevented the first mother from nourishing her child4 ,it often happens that such conditions are repeated from generation to generation4 ,if this happens very early in the pre-natal life of the child1 the results are very likely to be misinterpreted as hereditary4 ,in the last few decades the study of heredity has been so fascinating and fruitful that biologists have given comparatively little attention to early environmental influences4 ,recent work1 however1 suggests that such influences are far from negligible4 ,my own studies of season of birth illustrate the matter4 ,they suggest that the effect of physical environment upon the health of the parents before a child is conceived has an important effect upon the child's future health and achievement4 ,only a hint of the chain of evidence leading to this conclusion is here possible4 ,many investigations of deaths1 fatigue1 work1 and disease1 as well as numerous carefully controlled laboratory experiments1 indicate that people feel most comfortable and vigorous1 and have the best health1 when the average temperature for night and day together is about #fc4 ,nothing is more pleasant than a day of this optimum kind in ,may or ,june4 ,at midday the thermometer rises to #gj more or less2 at night it falls low enough so that people sleep soundly and restfully4 ,a study of season of birth in many countries indicates that children who are conceived when optimum weather of this kind arrives in the spring have stronger constitutions and greater powers of application than do those conceived at any other season4 ,evidence of constitutional vigor is found in length of life4 ,in four large groups of ,americans and in one of ,italians it has been found that those born in ,march1 and therefore conceived in ,june at the time of optimum weather1 live longer than those born at other seasons4 ,among #ci1jjj people who were born in the eastern ,united ,states and who lived beyond the age of two years ,i found that on an average those born in ,march lived #c4h years longer than those born from ,july to ,september4 ,other evidence1 into which we cannot go1 suggests that man1 like other animals1 inherits a definite seasonal cycle of reproduction4 ,as the temperature rises toward the optimum in the spring the functions of the body change in such a way that not only is there a pronounced feeling of well-being1 but the children conceived at that time have more than the average vigor1 and hence correspondingly long life4 ,the evidence that these children have greater powers of application1 or at least that some of them do1 lies in the birthdays of eminent people in countries as diverse as ,india1 ,spain1 ,russia1 ,england1 ,france1 ,germany1 ,sweden1 and the ,united ,states4 ,in all these countries the percentage of eminent people conceived when the optimum weather prevails rises much higher than does the corresponding percentage among ordinary people4 ,moreover1 the greater the degree of eminence1 the more marked is the contrast with people as a whole4 ,the reason for this condition must be that the vigor which gives to many people long life gives to highly gifted people a sort of power of steady application and hard work--an emotional stability--which enables them to use their faculties to the best advantage4 ,thus they achieve fame in greater measure than do equally well-endowed persons with less vigor4 ,there is not the slightest reason to suppose that children conceived at one season of the year inherit any better minds than do their brothers and sisters conceived at other seasons4 ,there is equally little reason to believe that the average inheritance of mental ability declines as the period of conception approaches midwinter1 the low point in the seasonal cycle of reproduction4 ,on the other hand1 length of life furnishes evidence that physical vigor varies according to the degree to which the mothers at least1 at the time of a child's conception1 have been under the influence of environmental conditions which assist the germ cells in developing into vigorous babies4 ,many studies of eminent people show that they are uncommonly long-lived4 ,when deaths in war and by accident are omitted1 the average length of life of #aa1jjj people in the ,british ,dictionary of ,national ,biography was #ga years4 ,eminence and the kind of constitutional vigor that leads to long life go together4 ,this brings us back to the problem of fitness for marriage4 ,if the effect of the weather on the vigor of parents can have such an influence on health1 longevity and achievement1 such conditions as diet and mode of life may produce similar effects4 ,this possibility adds still greater interest to the two-edged bearing of what we have just been saying upon the problem of fitness for marriage4 ,in the first place it appears that an unexpected number of weaknesses which are sometimes considered hereditary are environmental4 ,nevertheless1 they are also inborn and cannot easily be eradicated by education4 ,therefore the chance that ordinary normal people carry a dangerous heredity is reduced1 but the responsibility of parents to see that their children are properly born is increased4 ,in the second place1 it becomes more evident than ever that fitness for marriage implies intelligent willingness and persistence in acting upon the discoveries of science in whatever way may be best for the unborn child4 ,we have long insisted upon the right environment for the expectant mother during pregnancy4 ,the new discoveries suggest that we must insist equally upon the right environment and manner of life before pregnancy begins4 ,this brings up a very interesting question upon which biologists are not agreed4 ,does what has just been said about the period before pregnancy apply to the father as well as the mother8 ,many biologists doubt whether we have any proof that environmental influence can weaken the sperm cells of the male in such a way that the offspring are thereby weakened4 ,other biologists1 such as ,professor ,pearl1 of ,johns ,hopkins ,university1 and ,professor ,c4 ,a4 ,mills1 of ,cincinnati1 have made some interesting experiments which lead them to believe that sperm cells weakened by environmental conditions may affect the vitality of the developing offspring4 ,in short1 at the present time there is no agreement among competent scientific men that the health and mode of life of the father1 as well as of the mother1 influence the physical well-being of the developing child1 and thereby affect its emotional stability and other qualities4 ,until this question is scientifically settled it is obvious that the men best fitted for marriage and parenthood are those who act in such a way that they cannot harm their children no matter which view is correct4 ,let us return once more to the problem of deciding how far the mental and social characteristics of ourselves and of the persons we are interested in are due to inheritance and how far to pre-natal and postnatal environment4 ,in the present state of knowledge no exact decision is possible4 ,nevertheless1 in some families an undesirable trait is exhibited by a parent1 brothers or sisters1 and perhaps by more distant relatives4 ,in such cases1 it is probably inherited1 or at least due to an inherited deficiency or tendency of some sort1 and there is a chance that it may be handed down to the next generation4 ,on the other hand1 many persons who suffer from some form of emotional instability come from families in which the parents and near relatives appear normal in this respect4 ,in such cases it is probable that the trait is not hereditary1 but due to some influence in pre-natal life or childhood4 ,until the sciences of human genetics and eugenics have made more progress1 the safest way to judge in such matters is by the qualities of a family as a whole4 ,whether you have any doubt about this or not1 a thorough examination by a good physician who is also a psychiatrist and a man of fine character will be a great help4 ,the physician must frame his judgments for the good not only of the individual who consults him1 but of the prospective partner1 and of the children who may be born to such a couple4 ,even the best physician is often unable to decide whether a given defect is hereditary4 ,he can merely frame an opinion based on the whole family4 ,young people find it hard to believe that they marry into families1 but they do4 ,as the old ,jewish saying puts it1 ,it is not good to marry a maid who is the only good maid in her family4 ,the responsibility that thus rests on physicians is tremendous4 ,that of the young people who wish to be married is also great1 but very different4 ,theirs is to submit themselves fully and frankly to the physician's examination and advice4 ,he may decide that it is safe to marry a person of stable temperament1 but not one who is nervously unstable4 ,it must always be remembered that even if the physician has given you a clean bill of health1 you are still unfit for marriage unless you are willing to go more than halfway in adjusting your life to his or hers4 ,lovers generally feel sure that they can do this1 but have you proved it in your treatment of parents1 brothers1 sisters1 and friends8 ,if you are free from transmissible disease and innate defects1 and if you are capable of having children1 it is still unwise for you to marry unless you display good evidence of the qualities which make a happy home and insure the right training of children4 ,darwin once said that the trouble with mankind is not lack of ability1 but failure to use the abilities that we possess4 ,even if it is not wise for you to marry now1 perhaps you can take yourself by the scruff of the neck and make yourself fit4 ,if you are fit1 the next question is1 ,is it wise for me to marry8 ,for the vast majority of people the answer is emphatically ,yes both for your own sake and that of society as a whole4 ,for most people the married state is happier and more useful than the unmarried state4 ,biologically the two sexes are meant to live together4 ,long experience has proved that the only permanently happy way of living together is as husband and wife4 ,if the marriage is of the right kind1 both the man and the woman become happier1 healthier1 more adaptable1 more interested in the community1 and1 in many cases1 better workers4 ,marriage is unquestionably one of the best schools and one of the best health resorts4 ,it often has a wonderful effect in steadying people's nerves1 provided the partner is wise as well as loving4 ,the probability that any given marriage is wise is greatly increased where the two young people have reasonably similar ideals and habits and are sufficiently intelligent so that each can enjoy the interests of the other4 ,it is increased still more when both the man and the woman realize that marriage is a comparatively hollow affair unless entered into with the purpose of having a family4 ,few experiences have greater value than the sacrifices which parents must make if they are to create a real home4 ,the making of such a home brings out the best that is in people4 ,hence from the purely personal standpoint marriage is a priceless advantage4 ,there is a social as well as a personal side to marriage4 ,the unstable conditions of the present century have made some people believe that the family is a thing of the past1 but this is a mistake4 ,the family life of the future will be different from that of the past1 but the finest traits in it will still be the same4 ,loyalty of each to all and all to each is one of the greatest assets in this tumultuous1 changing world4 ,in times of distress1 whether it is financial or mental1 the most pitiable person is the one without family ties4 ,a family of children may be a handicap at such times1 but often it is the very thing that keeps people from failure4 ,moreover1 in adversity and old age a family group of loyal brothers and sisters1 even if each has several children1 gets along much better than does the man or woman who fends only for himself4 ,it pays to be married and to be married into a large family4 ,let us turn back again to the question of whether family life is going to die out4 ,in the old days of unrestricted families children just came because it couldn't be helped4 ,today1 regardless of race or religion1 intelligent people limit their families4 ,abundant statistics make it clear that the size of families has dropped greatly among all except two groups4 ,one is a large group of less intelligent1 isolated1 shiftless1 or incompetent people1 among whom families of eight to fifteen children may still be found4 ,the other is a small group of intelligent1 high-minded1 well-established1 well-to-do families with many relatives and with a very assured position4 ,their children usually number from four to eight4 ,most of us belong to a huge intervening group in which the average number of children1 including those who die young1 is less than three1 instead of seven1 as was the case a century or two ago4 ,this great middle group is the one that will determine what kind of people live in this country in the future4 ,well1 then1 from what part of this middle group will most of the children of the future be derived8 ,a little arithmetic will help us4 ,suppose we have two sets of parents1 numbering a thousand each and having children old enough to be married4 ,in one set each pair of parents has two children2 in the other five4 ,the children of each set behave like their parents in this respect4 ,in both sets #ae percent of the children die before reaching the age of marriage1 and #aj percent of those who grow up fail to marry4 ,these are normal percentages4 ,among those who marry1 however1 #bj percent of the two-child group1 and only #aj percent of the other set1 fail to have children4 ,how many parents will there be in each group at the end of three generations8 ,if we make no allowance for the fact that more boys than girls are born1 there would be #acf parents in the two-child group a century hence1 and they would have #acf children4 ,on the other hand1 there would be #hgdd parents and #ba1hfj children in the five-child group4 ,over a hundred and sixty times as many6 ,now that we have done the arithmetic1 what does it mean8 ,of course in actual life the two-child and the five-child groups will intermarry4 ,and even if each marries its own kind1 the number of children will fluctuate4 ,nevertheless1 there is plenty of evidence of three great tendencies4 ,first1 certain kinds of families tend to be small or large as the case may be4 ,second1 each kind tends to marry into its own kind more often than into the other4 ,and finally1 people who grew up in large families generally like large families and want to have them4 ,hence the result of the present limitation of families must be to make large families and family life in general more popular in the future than at present4 ,this is the way it works in the great middle group to which most of us belong4 ,families of four to six children are found mainly among people who love children and are willing to make sacrifices in order to provide homes for them4 ,so as long as our present limitation of families continues1 the children of each successive generation will tend in larger and larger numbers to be the descendants of people who believe in family life and are willing to make sacrifices for it4 ,a few of them are disappointed because their children do not turn out well1 but the great majority feel well rewarded4 ,ask parents of three or more children how they feel about it4 ,nine out of ten will say that nothing in their lives has been worth more than their children4 ,so long as people of that kind have children1 and those of the other kind fail to have children1 family life will not die out4 ,it will become more and more the great center of society4 ,it will change1 but the change will be growth1 not decay4 ,now for the third question1 ,is it my duty to marry8 ,future generations may say that the better your physique1 the greater your beauty and strength1 the finer your mind1 the more lovable your temperament1 and the more highly you are endowed by nature and training1 the more certainly it is your duty to marry and have a family4 ,at present1 however1 the answer to ,is it my duty to marry8 is very much like the answer to a question which you might ask if you were a guest at a delightful summer resort4 ,is it my duty to go swimming1 play tennis1 go yachting1 and have a good time8 ,assuming that you are physically fit1 it certainly is your duty if your presence will cause your hosts and the rest to enjoy themselves4 ,but why ask such a silly question8 ,you will do all those things just because you want to4 ,you would be an awful fool to pass up the chance of having all sorts of fun when everything is just right for it4 ,and you would be an awful fool to give up marriage if the conditions for that were equally favorable4 ,of course there is a very important personal element in all this4 ,some minor crudity in him or her1 some ideal diverse from yours1 some unfortunate habit or tendency1 may be more than you can adjust yourself to4 ,you alone can decide that4 ,all that we can do here is point out what the marriages and families of thoughtful1 conscientious people mean to the world4 ,the essence of the whole matter1 as has been said a thousand times1 is the extremely rapid fall of the birthrate1 especially among intelligent1 farsighted1 industrious1 progressive people whose ideals of family life are high4 ,the majority of the young people who read this article probably belong to this class4 ,therefore you represent a type of family whose loss or diminution is a very serious matter4 ,unless your type of family averages more than three children1 the country suffers two great losses4 ,it suffers these losses because under the present conditions it takes more than three children per family on an average to provide two who become parents and thus replace their father and mother4 ,so unless your grandparents have at least ten grandchildren1 your family stock is dying out1 and the country is suffering two great losses4 ,one loss is your good biological inheritance4 ,this does not mean that you are anything wonderful4 ,it simply means that you belong to a group which on the whole inherits more than the average capacity4 ,therefore1 unless you have more than three children1 the biological inheritance of ,america will be lowered4 ,the second great loss is cultural4 ,it is all very well to talk about sending every competent boy and girl to college1 and giving every one the fullest chance to develop1 but this does not solve the problem4 ,no other institution comes anywhere near the home as a place in which to establish the ideals and habits that determine whether our lives shall be a mere flash in the pan or a fire that warms and cheers4 ,the finer things of life wither and die if there are not enough children in the families of people who know how to make real homes4 ,if you came from such a home1 and especially if your relatives also have such homes1 you can make one yourself4 ,few things are more needed in ,america today than just such homes4 ,ought ,i to marry8 ,i wish that every reader could answer in the affirmative4 ,eleanor ,roosevelt ,,chapter ,,four ,should ,wives ,work8 ,is it possible for a woman to marry and still have a career8 ,this question has been asked of me so many times that ,i am glad at last to sit down and write some of the things which always come to my mind4 ,to begin with1 the question is foolishly worded1 for there are very few women who have careers4 ,those with real careers are a little group by themselves needing separate consideration4 ,most women marry and work1 and the work will not be a career4 ,the question put this way also seems to imply that marriage in itself is not a career4 ,anyone who believes that has no real understanding of marriage4 ,there is no general answer which any one individual can give to this question1 no matter how it is worded1 for it is one of those questions that depends for its answer largely upon the individuals involved1 both men and women4 ,the question should really be phrased in this way3 ,are you able to carry on two full-time jobs8 ,have you the physical strength and the mental vigor to do this day in and day out--particularly when you are young1 first married1 adjusting yourself to a stranger's personality1 and perhaps bearing children1 which is an added physical strain8 ,i can hear you ask1 ,why do you say1 'adjusting yourself to a stranger's personality'8 ,the answer is quite simple3 no two people really know each other until they have been married for some time1 and one of the most exacting duties of family life is the adjustment of the various personalities that make up the family circle4 ,the mother adjusts herself not only to her husband1 but to each of her children and to the other near relatives1 and she tries to explain and to adjust them to one another4 ,it is not always an easy task4 ,more and more households are being managed by the housewife alone1 particularly among the young people4 ,that means pretty nearly constant attention to household tasks1 if a good job is to be done1 in the same way that it would be done in an office or wherever the woman might be employed for pay4 ,this housekeeping job can be as scientific and as engrossing as any office job1 or it may be a slipshod1 haphazard affair with everything at sixes and sevens4 ,it all depends upon the woman whether she makes this side of marriage a career or not4 ,there is another important aspect to this career4 ,any woman who means to make marriage a successful career will study her husband1 his capabilities1 his interests1 even his peculiarities4 ,she should know about his business and about his pleasures4 ,it is possible for her to be a great factor in his success1 not by thrusting herself forward as an advisor1 but by understanding so well his character and his career that she can supplement his shortcomings1 bring out the best that is in him1 and expand his interests by adding her own4 ,thus she can have a vicarious career by virtue of what she has put into her husband's4 ,perhaps the woman who does this is the happiest and most successful woman1 but she has to have the kind of temperament that can do it and do it well1 and in addition the circumstances of married life have to make it possible4 ,we might as well face the fact that today circumstances are making it more and more difficult for a woman to lead what two generations ago was considered the normal and natural life for any woman4 ,in those days even a woman who did not marry tried to find a niche that she could fill in somebody's home4 ,a maiden aunt or cousin often took the place of a nurse or governess or even a hired servant and was looked upon with pity1 and expected to work early and late for her room and board1 and to be as devoted to the children of the family as though they were her own4 ,women today would not accept this situation so calmly1 and the fact that they can be and are largely self-supporting changes their economic condition4 ,it also changes their relationship to men and marriage4 ,the economic situation is such today that few young people can marry at the age when their grandparents did4 ,many young people1 rather than put off their marriage indefinitely1 get married with the realization that both of them will have to continue working and that children are out of the question until they have laid enough money aside or the man has had enough increase in salary to take care of all the family expenses4 ,this is not a case of whether you prefer marriage or a career4 ,it is a case of marriage and work together1 or no marriage and work alone4 ,work must go on in either case4 ,for most women there is something so satisfying in creating a home that they do it frequently by themselves4 ,it seems to fulfill a deep inner need to do the little homely things of everyday living1 and ,i think that is one reason why so many young people get married and set up homes of their own long before their financial resources warrant it4 ,if they want to have children as soon as they are financially established1 they usually do so1 but a craving for a home of her own is the first stirring of maturity in a woman4 ,to many women1 however1 a home is not wholly satisfying unless she is making it for someone else1 and nature has made most women yearn for a man to mother4 ,i know one young couple who were married when the boy was getting twenty-five dollars a week and the girl was getting the same as a stenographer4 ,both of them went on working4 ,everything seemed to be going very well1 and she managed her two jobs quite successfully4 ,the most successful part of it was the fact that she induced her husband to feel an equal responsibility for the house4 ,i remember that when ,i dined with them1 he put on an apron after dinner and helped wash the dishes as naturally as if that were the normal occupation for a man4 ,when a marriage works out this way1 it is very successful1 especially if the man has a knack for doing things about the house1 because it keeps him busy when his wife is busy4 ,children can be postponed if two young people have a home and a mate4 ,if a woman has to work to have a home and husband1 she will do it happily1 but ,i do not think that always means that she longs to work4 ,it is unfortunate that so often she is forced to for material security4 ,where circumstances verge on poverty1 marriage is even more of a career1 for then more depends on the woman's ability to manage4 ,of course1 when it comes to the mothers of families who work in mills1 factories1 and stores1 we know quite well that there is no question of choice--poverty drives them1 and they work because they have to1 and only a few would hesitate if they were offered an opportunity to stay at home and look after their home and their children4 ,i remember visiting a mill town once1 and as the women came off the night shift--for there were no laws at that time in that particular state against women's working on night shifts--they met their husbands going to work on the day shift4 ,we followed one woman home4 ,tired from the hours in the mill1 she nevertheless had to set to work immediately to get the children fed and off to school4 ,then she had her house to set to rights1 washing and ironing to do1 and dinner to get for the children and supper to be left for the man when he came back from work as she went on4 ,in the afternoon she snatched a few hours of sleep1 and the children who were not in school played unwatched and uncared for4 ,she knew that her home life was not satisfactory1 and she did not work long hours in the mill because she wanted to1 but simply because there was not enough food to go around unless her earnings supplemented those of her husband4 ,there are women1 however1 who work for the love of working4 ,they may love their homes and their children and still crave the satisfaction of doing a job themselves4 ,sometimes it is just because they love the kind of work they do2 sometimes it is because they must have the independence which being able to earn money gives them4 ,i know one young woman who has managed to develop for herself work which she can do in her own home4 ,she feels that her children need her at home1 and yet she was very unhappy without some outside interests4 ,she had a musical talent which she shared with her husband1 and together they developed a unique project which involved research and execution1 giving them a joint interest and allowing her to earn a little extra money4 ,very occasionally it is possible for a man and a woman to work together and to have an even closer tie than they would have if the woman remained the man's helpmate only in the home4 ,the happiness of husband and wife is often wrecked by too little dependence on each other1 for to be happy two people must need each other in everything they do4 ,i could tell you many stories of young people who have drifted apart partly because the man was too absorbed by his business and the woman did not have enough to do4 ,one story ,i remember1 however1 is a little different1 because it was a case in which both the man and his wife had interests which were so divergent that neither of them took any pleasure in being with the other or in hearing about what the other was doing4 ,the man wanted to lead a rather quiet life1 and the woman was young and pretty1 active-minded1 physically energetic4 ,she wanted to do something which would bring in money and make it possible for her to have some of the luxuries and pleasures that she coveted and to which her husband was completely indifferent4 ,they stuck to their own interests1 and while they lived in the same house and while they had children and while they were never separated in a formal way1 they could not have been further apart if they had lived at the two poles4 ,i question if the children ever knew what it was to feel a community of interests in that home4 ,it would be well if men realized the need that some women have for a little financial independence4 ,occasionally marriage is wrecked because the woman feels that her work at home is as much a financial contribution as is the man's work out in the world4 ,she finds no recognition of this in their relationship or in their environment and becomes more and more restless and dissatisfied4 ,i remember one woman saying rather bitterly to me once that she made more money by saving and good management than her husband did1 but that he seemed to think the generosity of giving was all on his side1 forgetting that she gave her strength and her time4 ,the work which she did she might have paid someone else to do2 and her careful buying actually put in the bank money which her husband could use in his business4 ,as a rule1 the woman spends the major part of the family income1 but if it is given her for the house and she has to resort to subterfuge to get any personal pocket money out of it1 it is not a happy arrangement4 ,of course1 when two people are planning together every penny of expenditure1 the case is different2 but when a man has any money which he calls his own1 a woman should have some also in recognition of the services she performs for the home4 ,she is more apt to make her housekeeping a good job and to be happy in her family relations4 ,in many cases a woman who holds a job feels that she is a better companion for her husband because she has more individuality and comes to him more full of different interests when they meet4 ,she may not have the kind of temperament which makes it possible for her to bring up her children herself4 ,she may find that even with less time to give them1 she can really do more for them4 ,all these things are subjects for the individuals to consider and decide together4 ,why do you work8 ,i once asked a friend of mine who seemed very weary4 ,she smiled and said3 ,i work because ,i found that when ,stephen came home at night1 ,i had nothing to talk to him about4 ,he is out in the world and meets people and does things4 ,i was in a little backwater and lost the habit of thinking about the same things that are on his mind4 ,i had to go back to work to regain the same atmosphere and to be a companion4 ,but1 ,i said1 you have to pay some one to take care of the children4 ,wouldn't it be cheaper to do it yourself8 ,far cheaper1 she said1 but even the children are better off4 ,now1 when ,i come home1 ,i am full of interests ,i can share with them1 and ,i am nowhere nearly so impatient as ,i used to be when ,i answered their questions all day long and directed every minute of their lives4 ,i do not mind now saying1 ',johnny1 wash your hands1' or1 ',sara1 don't bite when you fight4' ,i have to do it only between #f and #h ,p4,m4 ,but if ,i do it from #f ,a4,m4 until #h ,p4,m41 many a harsh word is spoken1 and many a hasty gesture passes between us1 much to my regret afterward4 ,one thing is certain3 ,any woman who decides to work after she is married must have good health and be a fairly well-disciplined person1 and her life must be systematized so that one part does not interfere with the other1 and the man must understand and sympathize with her interests and desires4 ,the man's temperament is as important as the woman's1 for there are men who deeply resent their wives' doing any work and who want to feel that their home is entirely dependent on their own efforts4 ,there are other men who go even beyond that and want to feel that the woman whom they have married is dependent upon them for all she has in a material way1 forgetting often that their mental and spiritual contacts count also in any relationship4 ,then again there are men who1 if their wives are self-sufficient and capable1 will do exactly what so many women are accused of doing--become parasites and willingly allow themselves to be taken care of in every way1 even in a material way4 ,i knew one man whose wife mothered him until he completely lost his initiative4 ,he was sweet to her1 but he really felt that life was made by her and he had to make no effort4 ,suddenly he met a woman who was weaker and more clinging than he was1 and she awakened in him all his dormant chivalrous instincts4 ,he asked his wife for a divorce4 ,he married the weaker woman and became a strong man4 ,the first wife remade her life1 which was not astonishing2 but he remade his1 which seemed unbelievable4 ,all the things ,i have mentioned and one more enter into this question of whether a woman who has the ability to do a job outside the home should do it or not4 ,in the last few years ,i have been getting many letters from women whose husbands have fallen ill or died and left them alone or with dependents4 ,those who have had no training are the most pathetic1 but those who once worked and then gave up altogether are in almost as difficult a position4 ,i doubt that it is ever wise for a woman who has once had a skill to allow herself to lose it entirely1 for1 granting that she makes of marriage a career1 there may come a time when she will need work1 and there will certainly come a time when her children are grown4 ,if the demands on her time are fewer and she is well1 she may feel the necessity of taking up some kind of regular work again1 particularly if in her youth she was trained to keep busy4 ,this may not be a financial necessity1 but merely something to take the place of the duties which were hers when marriage was her only job4 ,in my own experience ,i have found there is one other thing that may happen to a woman4 ,for some reason she may have to interest herself in things that have seemed to be more directly her husband's interests and in which she never expected to take any personal part4 ,she may find she becomes interested for a variety of reasons4 ,this necessity of developing interests of her own which take her out of her home will find her better equipped if she has once done a job for pay and kept on doing it now and then throughout her life so that she is able to maintain a professional attitude toward all work1 both in her home and out of it4 ,there are just a few women who have special gifts1 who have established careers before they meet the men they wish to marry4 ,if they give up these careers1 they may find much of the savor of life is removed when they are not doing something which requires independent thought and initiative4 ,these are the women who go to work because they are conscious of a capacity within themselves which cannot be denied1 and they should marry only men who understand this and are willing to make some compromises4 ,it can be done very happily1 but it depends on both the man and the woman in each case4 ,these career women do a job for the love of it4 ,they may be so gifted that they can cope successfully with household affairs from the administrative point of view4 ,they may not be interested in doing any of the homely things of life4 ,they may be quite helpless at home and need someone else to cope with household measures4 ,for them it is probably impossible to settle down to a homemaker's career and watch over somebody else's career and development and achievement4 ,they are fortunate if they marry the right men6 ,the women who ,i feel should undoubtedly have outside occupation1 however1 are the women whose homes are taken care of by competent hands and feet other than their own1 who with ordinary capacity for management can give the necessary orders in fifteen minutes every morning and have the rest of the day in which to do nothing4 ,these women might as well do something even if they have no special gifts1 for as idlers they encumber the earth4 ,they are not doing things at home that keep women busy and happy4 ,i think any young couple is fortunate when the woman has to do everything about the house and does it happily1 but in view of all the different angles that this problem presents1 ,i would give no advice1 only urge young people to think over what they want out of life very carefully when they are making the decision of how they will start their life together4 ,gladys ,hoagland ,groves ,,chapter ,,five ,learning to ,live ,together ,the wedding shuts one gate and opens another4 ,the longings and dreamings of courtship are at an end4 ,the supreme intimacy of life begins4 ,as ,john and ,mary move away from the altar1 pronounced man and wife1 they know they are starting a great adventure4 ,his beaming face masks a stiff determination to keep his bride happy in spite of any worldly obstacles4 ,her radiance hides a solemn inward vow to do everything humanly possible to make smooth the way of their life together4 ,they are right4 ,unless they are very different from most people1 this new joint enterprise is going to mean more to each of them than anything else ever can4 ,before them is a clear road4 ,not to happiness1 as they may believe1 but to the opportunity for gaining happiness4 ,the goal is not easily won1 but they can attain it without the aid of luck or rare gifts or miracles--simply by practicing the common everyday virtues that bring success in all human ventures4 ,a young couple's engagement period is like any other time of excited anticipation1 when one has received the promise of something greatly desired1 but must wait awhile before its delivery4 ,the happiness of the waiting period is characterized by the absence of a critical spirit1 and therefore is apt to be thought of as an experience of pure delight4 ,but the first days of marriage bring out a different set of feelings--those that come when one has definitely obtained possession of anything that before was only promised4 ,at first the emotions seem to stand still--this is the long-coveted moment6 ,then one begins to appraise4 ,is the object of one's wishes as desirable as one had expected8 ,because reality rarely measures up to imagination1 the first answer is almost bound to be1 ,no1 this is not what ,i expected4 ,and the first emotion tends to be disappointment4 ,if one accepts the fact that discrepancy between imagination and reality is inevitable1 he is better able to go on to a more thorough examination of the situation1 from the fresh viewpoint of finding out just what he has received1 regardless of hazy but optimistic expectations2 and the object possessed will more than likely turn out to be better than1 although different from1 what the imagination pictured4 ,knowing that a fleeting sense of disappointment is not peculiar to one's own marriage1 but likely to occur in all1 as in every other human undertaking1 takes away its power to hurt4 ,unworried by any fear of calamity1 each marriage partner can turn to account his or her powers of discernment by learning to recognize the assets as well as the liabilities of the partnership4 ,roughly1 both the helps and the hindrances to married happiness can be lumped under one word--personalities4 ,temperament1 mannerisms1 tastes--all that is implied in the distinct individuality of each person--make up the chief source of the advantages and disadvantages with which the couple enter marriage4 ,these traits cannot be changed overnight4 ,nor is it necessary1 or at all wise1 that they should be4 ,john attracts ,mary1 and she appeals to him1 because the personality of each one is what it is4 ,love has grown up between the two as a result of this personality attraction4 ,and love is the motive that will make both try to keep open the pathway to marriage success4 ,but love is not a finished product that1 once it comes1 can forever after be trusted to keep its strength4 ,like everything else that is alive1 it must be kept growing through exercise1 or it wastes away4 ,love gives the push that keeps a marriage moving1 but it does not give the direction4 ,that comes from understanding and cooperation4 ,although ,john and ,mary love each other as feverishly as any other couple at first1 if their loved is self-centered and ingrown1 it will eventually turn to hate1 or wear thin and give way to indifference4 ,this is what they must guard against4 ,while love is still the moving force of their lives1 they must study the problems that are due to come4 ,to wait until they are beset by them is to beg for trouble4 ,in order to cope with their problems they must realize1 first1 that they cannot stumble upon married happiness2 that they must possess and cultivate a positive will to succeed4 ,then they must understand that the will is in itself not enough2 it must be coupled with a willingness to work1 and work hard1 for the happiness that can be the greatest blessing of their lives4 ,and finally1 they must know what constitutes a happy marriage--what to aim for in their day-to-day association4 ,what makes a successful marriage8 ,here are nine guideposts to help ,john and ,mary along their road3 #a4 ,the first requirement is the building of a union that is just to both4 ,the smaller issues on which this rests are the lively clashes of opposite desires1 inevitable in the coming together of any two persons1 intensified when those two persons are as different as a man and a woman1 and unavoidable for two committed to a lifetime together in the close quarters of marriage4 #b4 ,compromise will lift these essentially petty decisions of precedence above the level of selfishness4 ,decisions must be made on the basis of what is good for both1 not the selfish or narrow wish of either4 ,the choice that brings the larger advantage to the two persons in their common role of marriage partners is the one to be made4 ,human judgment being as faulty as it is1 time may show that any one decision has been an error1 but there can be no ill will about it if each feels that an honest effort was made to be fair4 ,for example1 ,mary wants to buy a car1 just as ,john is reckoning that the time has come to build a house4 ,or perhaps he wants to invest money in professional or business advancement at the precise moment when she realizes she wants a child4 ,in either situation1 the particular couple involved have to weigh delicately the effect on their joint enterprise of the conflicting courses of action4 ,much as ,mary may crave a child or a car1 she might not be able to enjoy either if she got it1 unless ,john were ready to share in her delight4 ,nor could he1 overruling her against her will1 find in his choice of home-owning or personal-career investment the satisfaction he had expected4 ,they two1 and nobody else1 can make the decision to fit their marriage4 ,readiness to try to imagine the partner's point of view has to be supplemented by calmness in considering the probable effect of either course on both persons4 ,if each one is hurt at the other's inability to join instantly in his1 or her1 plans1 they will need to take pains not to get sidetracked into making a personal contest of the affair4 ,trying to win over your partner with a single eye to getting what you want1 regardless of its effect on the mate1 is short-sighted in the extreme4 ,even if you could care only for personal pleasure1 that cannot long outlast your spouse's displeasure4 ,staging a contest or a succession of small contests1 for the sake of finding out who is boss builds up a habit of fighting that may lead to a bitter end4 ,it is useless to discover who can win in any particular skirmish4 ,what is important is to learn whether one of you is set on being head of the house4 ,if your spouse craves that distinction1 by all means hand it over without delay4 ,it is an empty honor1 for the one who bends but does not break will readily develop the fine art of influencing the headstrong one4 ,because it is part of the traditional feminine character to enjoy giving in to the man1 this tendency must be scrutinized when it appears4 ,no man can afford to be crippled for life by letting his wife swaddle him with solicitude as some mothers spoil their children for their own glorification4 ,a woman's feeling that she will be emotionally gratified by making a sacrifice does not prove that1 aside from her momentary pleasure1 there is any value in it4 ,the ease or difficulty with which husband or wife makes an adjustment in no way measures the worth of that adjustment for their partnership4 ,because of women's recent growth in socially recognized independence1 any individual woman may waver between a craving for self-sacrifice and a repugnance to the very thought of it4 ,this changeableness can make her feel resentful after she has given in to her husband4 ,all this must be taken into account in making decisions4 ,compromise1 not submission1 should be the rule4 ,if ,john forges ahead on one count1 ,mary must find an acceptable outlet for herself on some other front4 #c4 ,respect for the other member of the marriage association is a must-have4 ,no demand should be laid upon the mate that requires a drastic change of personality4 ,nobody can suddenly change his personality at will1 and the effort to do so to please the partner is liable to result in a topheavy hypocrisy--a superstructure calculated to impress the observer1 but built on a shaky foundation of chaos4 ,the changes a husband or wife makes in the partner's total personality are in the nature of altered emphasis in the expression of traits already present4 ,these minor changes occur as by-products of active response to the personality of the mate in many small daily contacts1 and not as a result of exhortation4 ,nor are they necessarily permanent4 ,a chameleon changes color easily to match its environment or temper of the moment1 but a human being's more lasting change is not so readily made4 ,each marriage partner must be proud of the other and let the other continue to be proud of him or her4 ,therefore you have to respect yourself and act as if you did1 even at home4 ,too many couples exploit the sense of let-down that marriage brings with it4 ,after so long a time1 husband and wife cease to feel that they must exert themselves for each other in little matters4 ,knowing themselves accepted1 they lounge--mentally1 mannerly1 and physically--when at home or elsewhere alone together4 ,some of this relaxation is a good thing1 but it is a mistake to let home and spouse degenerate into nothing more than an invitation to be lazy4 ,using the mate for relief1 as in nagging1 whining1 crying1 or grumbling1 is taboo4 ,if you are tired or irritable1 you can rest or exercise for restoration1 as in the days before marriage4 ,to pour out troubles or act out annoyance without restraint before the mate is to wear out his or her spontaneity and dry up the source of refreshment you are trying to tap4 ,fatigue and nervousness1 expressed1 breed fatigue and nervousness in a sympathetic audience4 #d4 ,too great concentration is to be avoided4 ,even the greatest love stagnates if it is kept out of the main current of life4 ,to care only for each other is selfishness for two1 only one step removed from self-centered engrossment4 ,this is why the unique value of children is their service as an entering wedge in the close-grown love of husband and wife1 a wedge that widens and holds forever wider the unity of love it has penetrated4 ,other responsibilities1 other interests1 may serve a similar purpose1 though more easily dislodged and seldom striking so deep4 ,friends1 old and new1 have a function in relieving the overclose concern of one marriage partner with the other4 ,if they are to play their full part in preventing overconcentration1 the friends must not be limited to those who appeal equally to both the husband and the wife4 ,common friends are fine1 but for this purpose there is special need of friends for either spouse who can call forth those sides of his or her nature that are not aroused by the mate4 ,a brilliant man may be bored by his wife's slower-thinking women friends1 but these may be just what she needs as a relief from the high-pressure intellectual life she is leading with him4 ,a stylish woman may be appalled at the slouchy appearance of some of her husband's cronies1 who are a necessary balance wheel for him in the strenuous gyrations he goes through to keep the sartorial pace she sets4 ,the factor that underlies all the perplexities1 and most of the contentment1 of marriage is its unique degree of concentrated intimacy4 ,here the supreme testing always comes4 ,each means so much to the other1 each needs so much from the other1 that there can be no halfway satisfaction in being together4 ,but there will come a first time when ,john is too tired to go out with ,mary1 or vice versa4 ,do not think of it as a blow2 do not believe he or she is implying ,i do not want to go out with you because ,i am getting tired of you4 ,you must realize that it is important to have some privacy of time1 if not of space4 ,the wife may be alone part of the day and profit by it4 ,when ,john comes home at night1 he has not had that privilege4 ,his need for privacy must be appreciated1 whether he wants to get it by staying at home alone in the evening1 or by going out without his wife1 or by having his friends in when she is not around4 #e4 ,the general level of emotion is what counts1 not the spectacular scaling of peaks4 ,staking all on high moments is melodrama with no comic relief4 ,some husbands1 some wives1 are artists at achieving and momentarily living up to romantic settings1 but quickly flop down to the lower levels of decent fairness between the high spots of their sentimental flare-ups4 ,others cannot utter a poetic phrase1 make a romantic gesture1 or let their eyes show the quick intensity of their tender emotions if they must die for it4 ,this difference is one of make-up and training1 not of marriage capacity4 ,the couple who are sure of each other's steady affection1 regardless of its expression in romantic interludes1 are the ones who can afford to smile at the anxiety of those newly married husbands and wives who are terror-stricken at any lessening of the outward expressions of love4 ,another terrible moment that is due to come may seem even more frightening because it is you who are slipping4 ,soon or late you find that some familiar mannerism of your spouse displeases you4 ,it may be a slight uncouthness at table1 a peculiar back-country phrase or pronunciation1 some gesture of timidity or swaggering4 ,once you loved it as a part of the individuality of the person you fell in love with4 ,now it vexes you4 ,and your vexation terrifies you4 ,does this mean that you no longer love your mate as you did8 ,you cannot help your change of feeling4 ,how1 then1 can you hope to keep your affection from disappearing altogether if it has already begun to wane8 ,you remember other people you once thought you loved1 and wonder1 panic-stricken1 how you can keep this love from dying as those other loves did4 ,this is probably an almost universal experience1 marking1 not the beginning of the end of love1 but the passage from an adolescent type of blind devotion to a more mature affection that persists in spite of being able to admit the flaws it sees4 ,for the very young a person must register one hundred percent or be rejected4 ,maturity brings recognition of human imperfections in the most heroic1 but also develops the ability to weigh big and little things and to love with more confidence because unafraid of being disturbed by little imperfections4 ,now that you can see your mate more clearly1 you should also be able to see more accurately his1 or her1 good points1 which before were hidden from you in the mist of your enthusiasm4 ,your love is now becoming less self-centered and more helpful to your partner4 #f4 ,there can be no holding on to the present nor seeking to bring back the past4 ,each moment is new and good in itself4 ,the tale is never told4 ,always it is the unturned page the holds the answer to the question1 ,how goes it with this marriage8 ,the present is useful only as a foundation stone for the future1 which is being built up out of many fleeting present moments1 each quickly lost in the past4 ,trying to convince yourself that you still feel a kind of love you have outlived prevents your growing into the more mature kind of love that fits your present stature and prepares for the needs of the future4 ,attempting to hold the partner to a similar static expression of love hampers the growth in him or her of an expanding reality of love4 #g4 ,there can be no narrowing of marriage to mere sex adjustment4 ,what is essential is life adjustment1 of which sex is but a part4 ,to interpret the marriage association as little more than sex is to throw away all chance of success1 even in the realm of sex4 ,the two lives have to be adjusted to each other1 and the two persons have to work out a common life that means something to them over and above the pleasure they may take in each other's company4 ,as a continuing part of this life adjustment1 sex adjustment can develop into a permanent factor of married happiness2 but without the larger adjustment1 the partial adjustment cannot be made in any fundamental and enduring form4 ,in the sex life in marriage1 as in other parts of the association1 each partner wins by considering the other before the self4 ,since marriage grows by enveloping1 rather than by being enveloped by1 any one element1 every part of the married life must receive the same painstaking attention4 ,at no point can the domination of either partner over the other take the place of adjustment4 #h4 ,there must be no cultivation of sensitiveness1 no looking for hurt1 but instead a complete trust in each other4 ,one who prides himself or herself on having to be handled with gloves has a great deal of growing up to do in order to be able to be an active partner in the marriage4 ,cry-babying is no more helpful in marriage than in business or social life2 it is only more easily indulged in1 more tempting because of the sympathetic response it is likely at first to receive4 ,in the healthy marriage1 this sympathetic response will soon give way to anger1 which in turn may have the effect of a dash of cold water in the face of the oversensitive one1 helping him or her to buck up and behave like an adult4 ,in the unhealthy marriage1 sympathy will grow into pity1 which drives out the indispensable attitude of respect4 ,the person who has the backbone to try to play the part of a mature being will realize that getting hurt in any human association is a two-edged affair4 ,both get hurt1 but the weak person does nothing but squeal about it1 while the robust ignores it except for trying to take some constructive step to prevent future occasions for hurt4 ,the marriage partner who is mature will maintain trust in the other's good intentions in the face of what might seem to be occasions for hurt feelings4 ,a chief advantage of the married estate is its opportunity for frankness4 ,why doesn't his wife tell him of that unpleasant mannerism1 so he can correct it8 bears witness to the universal appreciation of this function of married life4 ,but if ,john nurses hurt feelings whenever ,mary punctures his vanity by suggesting that he presents to the world a less than perfect front1 ,mary may soon lose courage and relinquish her wifely job of husband improvement4 ,or the combination may be reversed4 ,frankness must go clothed in tact4 ,stiff-minded people who are frank only when angry lose their case before they present it4 ,if the expression of anger is to have its proper stimulative effect1 it has to be administered but rarely1 and then in small doses4 ,more has a paralyzing effect on the recipient1 producing a response in kind that takes away the ability to think of anything except retaliation4 #i4 ,willingness to grow is the most necessary factor for success4 ,marriage is a life program of going on together that requires maturity2 failure means that there is a holding on to childishness4 ,we are all immature at some points1 but we can welcome opportunities for growth1 painful though they may be4 ,the man and woman who find their marriage yielding diminishing returns may be sure they are attempting to hold it to an adolescent level4 ,as this is an impossibility1 they are aware of increasing dissatisfaction4 ,that does not mean they are unadapted to each other4 ,they are afraid to leave the known pleasures of their first youth for the unguessed satisfactions of maturity1 so they try to stand still1 hoping to keep their marriage1 unchanged1 in its first stage of promise4 ,if both husband and wife accept maturing responsibilities as they come1 their marriage relationship will keep pace with their own development and will therefore become increasingly satisfying to them4 ,a truly mature couple do not look back with longing to the early part of their married life1 but appreciate its value as a phase that led up to the deeper content of each succeeding phase4 ,having invested years1 their youth and hopes1 in their marriage1 it would be poor business for any couple to fail to follow up their initial investment by putting in such small regular amounts of thought and effort as will make a go of it4 ,the difference between success and failure is the hairline difference between caring and ceasing to care for one's investment4 ,married life is serious business1 as living always is1 but it is easier and at the same time more rewarding than single life4 ,to be human is to be lonely4 ,to be successfully married is to have an inner bulwark against loneliness4 ,elizabeth ,bussing ,,chapter ,,six ,marriage ,makes the ,money ,go ,and they lived happily ever after6 ,the romance in the old storybook always ended blissfully in marriage4 ,the valiant ,prince ,charming slew dragons1 vanquished giants1 and worsted sorcerers2 but once he had attained the fair lady of his dreams1 he left all his worries behind him4 ,today1 however1 ,prince ,charming1 unless he is an incurable romanticist1 realizes that the real struggle begins only after marriage4 ,now that you have won the fair lady how are you going to support her8 is the question he must solve satisfactorily before he can qualify as a suitable husband4 ,the answer is determined by two factors3 ,how much money is earned8 ,how can that sum be spent most efficiently8 ,the first query is quickly disposed of4 ,the second1 however1 requires careful thought and planning4 ,its solution is up to both the husband and the wife1 for each couple must work out their individual problem4 ,we wish we could do it for them1 but we can't4 ,at best we can only give the rules which we have evolved as the result of our own experience4 ,the first step in the art of orderly spending is the preparation of an adequate budget4 ,this is not so formidable as it seems1 for the budget is nothing more than an inventory of resources and a calculation of needs that will help you develop a schedule of spending which should be fair to both you and your partner4 ,it will differ in detail for each couple1 because no matter how similar circumstances may seem to be1 senses of values will vary4 ,at the start1 however1 it is well to keep an itemized account of expenditures to aid in adjusting your budget to actual needs and to learn just how much you are spending for each item4 ,you may find that you have been paying more for some things than you thought you were4 ,once you have settled on the approximate amount to be allotted to each purpose1 however1 you probably will find that keeping a written record of every purchase is more of a nuisance than a help4 ,it may help you to plan your budget if you study some of the model estimates published from time to time by savings banks1 life-insurance companies1 and other financial organizations4 ,you who are just planning to be married1 however1 will find that these statements are compiled usually for families with two or three children4 ,at best they will only roughly approximate your special problems4 ,let us consider the situation faced by a young couple just starting out in married life4 ,generally speaking1 if you live in a big city and your income is about #ajj a month1 you will pay about #ce to the landlord4 ,rents1 unfortunately1 are disproportionately high in the largest urban centers1 for persons of limited means4 ,in smaller communities1 you undoubtedly will find quarters for somewhat less4 ,your food1 at the present price level1 will cost at least #be a month for an adequate diet--and this assumes extremely intelligent and careful buying4 ,transportation to and from work for one person will cost not less than #b4ej a month4 ,total transportation costs for both of you--if only one works--will be between #c and #d4 ,not more than #aj a month should be spent for clothes1 and at least #f must be set aside for insurance and savings4 ,this leaves roughly #bj a month for all other expenses4 ,it is not easy for two to live on #ajj a month--but it is being done4 ,while it is not true that two can live as cheaply as one1 two persons who are in love may live more happily if they marry and both continue to work than if they undergo the strain of a long engagement4 ,this problem1 however1 must be worked out with reference to the particular case1 for1 as pointed out in an earlier article in this series1 it is more difficult for a man to get a foothold in certain professions if he marries before his apprenticeship is complete4 ,it seems obvious that if you are wed before the man finishes his professional preparation1 you will not wish to have children for the time being and that the wife will continue to support herself4 ,i have seen many complications caused by the arrival of children before the husband had completed his professional training4 ,one young couple ,i knew were getting along very smoothly while the wife was working and her husband was spending his last year in medical school4 ,the arrival of a baby made it necessary for her to quit her job4 ,this1 in turn1 made it imperative for the man to earn a livelihood4 ,he took a position in a department store where today--ten years later--he is still a junior employee4 ,by now1 in the ordinary course of events1 he might have been established in the profession for which he was studying4 ,all young couples1 fortunately1 do not encounter such tragedies4 ,if your income is around #bjjj a year1 your financial position is relatively more secure4 ,you may find a suitable apartment in a large city for between #ej and #fj a month--including heat and hot water4 ,the rent in a smaller community will be less1 but remember that if you furnish your own heat and hot water1 you must add the cost of fuel4 ,if1 to save money1 you move beyond the public transportation system1 you must include the cost and upkeep of a car4 ,but even considering the added expense of an automobile 7provided you take care of it partly yourself and thus save some service charges7 you may have better living conditions and derive more enjoyment from life than if you lived closer to town4 ,your food budget now may be about #dj a month--enough for a liberal diet4 ,your clothing allowance should be sufficient for average needs--say1 #ae4 ,insurance and savings should be greater than those of the couple in the #abjj group4 ,at least #ad percent of your income now should be set aside for these purposes4 ,if you plan to have children on an income of between #bjjj and #cjjj a year1 you still will be able to live comfortably1 but you probably will be happier if you move into a community made up of young people of your own income group4 ,this will enable the mothers to make various sorts of cooperative arrangements for child care1 which serve the threefold purpose of giving the children desirable social experience1 providing the mother with more freedom1 and keeping costs down4 ,it also contributes toward a congenial social life for the adults4 ,the proportions to be spent for the larger items hold true in general for the family whose income is between #bjjj and #cjjj a year4 ,without knowing your individual circumstances1 however1 no one can make a budget for you in minute detail4 ,the amounts you should allot to various items are governed by many considerations4 ,for example1 there are some types of employment that require more expensive clothes than others1 while some professions necessitate the purchase of equipment4 ,again1 the major proportions will change with the needs of your dependents1 whether these are children or older persons who look to you for help4 ,moreover1 a wife who confines her activities to the home will do many money-saving chores and require fewer clothes than she would if she1 too1 went to business4 ,notwithstanding these individual variations1 the foregoing rules of thumb will be helpful in keeping you within safe bounds4 ,but the proportion of your income to be spent for various purposes is only a small part of your problem4 ,don't be surprised if your budget fails to balance4 ,probably #ie percent of those who attempt to budget their family expenses have this experience4 ,the primary reason is that few persons really know what it costs to live4 ,this is due1 in part1 to the fact that we often confuse total expenses with day-to-day expenses4 ,most people think of living costs as the immediate outlay for food1 clothing1 and shelter1 disregarding the important item of depreciation4 ,the average housewife understands depreciation as it applies to food in a refrigerator1 but gives very little thought to the same process as it applies to furniture1 appliances1 motorcar1 clothing1 and the house she lives in--if she and her husband own it4 ,when replacement or repair of these more durable goods becomes necessary1 there often is no fund available for the purpose4 ,if replacement or repair is made1 the budget is thrown out of balance4 ,if neither is undertaken1 depreciation sets in all the faster4 ,in order to catch up at this point1 many couples take what seems at the time to be the easiest way out--they borrow money4 ,this may appear to solve the problem1 but actually the repayment of the loan throws the budget farther out of balance4 ,not only that1 but a substantial interest charge must be met4 ,to cover such obligations1 you will have to curtail your living expenses1 and you will find this much harder to do than to save for these emergencies in the first place4 ,one of the greatest financial difficulties encountered by young people 7and many older ones1 too1 for that matter7 is that of making an intelligent decision in the purchase of such important and costly items as a house1 mechanical home appliances1 furniture1 and life insurance4 ,the reason why it is difficult to select these things is that we buy them too seldom to acquire much experience with reference to them4 ,life insurance is a subject on which very few of us have specific information4 ,it is as important as it is trite to point out that the amount and the type of insurance should be governed by the kind of hazards against which you should provide4 ,yet it is necessary to realize that the need of protection changes as life progresses4 ,a father with young1 dependent children should carry considerably more insurance than a man with no dependents other than his wife4 ,consequently1 it is desirable to carry two types of insurance3 on the one hand1 a straight life contract1 entered into preferably early in life when annual premiums are lower1 and1 on the other hand1 successive renewable term-insurance policies which may be purchased when temporary responsibilities1 such as the rearing of children1 are undertaken4 ,protection for a childless wife might be limited to an amount equal to two years of the husband's salary4 ,roughly1 the same amount of term insurance may be taken out for each child4 ,the earlier in life such policies are acquired1 of course1 the smaller the annual premiums4 ,renewable term-insurance premiums are lower than straight life insurance because in the former there is no cash surrender value4 ,term insurance1 like fire insurance1 buys protection--and nothing else4 ,it is a mistake to look at life insurance as a primary form of saving because1 generally speaking1 the more the life-insurance policy conforms to a savings account1 the less effectively and economically it affords protection against the hazard of death4 ,buy the life insurance as life insurance and put your savings into a savings account4 ,it is well to remember at this point1 too1 that if you can accumulate enough to pay your insurance premiums yearly--rather than weekly or monthly--you will pay a lower rate4 ,the purchase of a home is another difficult undertaking for the newly married couple because the average person cannot tell the difference between a well-built house and one which is poorly constructed4 ,unless there is some understanding of this matter1 it probably will be wiser to defer the purchase of a house and live in rented quarters until one acquires such knowledge4 ,it must be remembered1 also1 that the upkeep of a dwelling is likely to come to a substantial figure and that the budget may be severely strained if one does not know in advance the actual costs of owning real estate4 ,not the least of these items to be investigated is the amount of assessments which are or may be levied against the property4 ,the likelihood of such levies is seldom pointed out by the real-estate salesman4 ,furthermore1 if one's position is insecure or there is a possibility of being transferred to another section of the country in the course of one's employment1 it would be wiser to live in rented quarters4 ,it is a good general rule to pay no more than twice one year's salary for a house2 of this amount1 not less than #aj percent will be required generally as a down payment4 ,then you will have to pay interest and amortization on your mortgage1 which1 with taxes and upkeep1 probably will come to as much as the rent for a similar house4 ,at the end of a period of years1 however1 you own the house1 which is a definite advantage4 ,perhaps you have decided1 as many young couples do today1 that you will both work for wages4 ,the arrival of a baby or possibly some other unplanned event may force the wife to give up her job4 ,if you would avoid real difficulties1 therefore1 try from the outset to meet the big items--rent1 food1 essential clothing1 and the minimum of insurance and savings--out of the husband's earnings4 ,let the wife's earnings cover only those items which1 though desirable1 are less important to your welfare1 such as luxury clothes1 recreation1 and items of a similar character4 ,any couple who depend on the wife's earnings for such essentials as food1 clothing1 and shelter should be prepared to adopt a lower scale of expenditure for any of or all these purposes1 for as a general rule her contribution to the family income is likely to be less certain than that of her husband4 ,the time to take on additional expenses is after an increase in the husband's wages--not before4 ,guard against the assumption of obligations which you could not meet if your combined income were reduced4 ,simple as this rule would seem to be1 ,i have seen it ignored time and time again1 usually with the same unhappy result4 ,i have in mind the case of a couple whom we shall call the ,browns4 ,doris ,brown supplemented her husband's salary by giving piano lessons at home4 ,they planned to have a baby and could well have managed to do so with but a short interruption to ,doris' teaching activity4 ,but--and this is what so many couples contemplating children overlook--complications set in which made it necessary for her to spend the last six months of pregnancy in a hospital4 ,not only did the family income decline by the amount she had earned1 but expenses increased greatly4 ,some of the deficit was made up by borrowing1 but there is a limit to the amount that can be obtained in this manner4 ,that limit was reached before the last #aej was paid on the grand piano which ,doris required for her work4 ,as a result1 the piano was taken back by the dealer4 ,the ,browns1 fortunately1 are persons who do not give in readily in the face of adversity4 ,they will work out their own problem and regain lost ground4 ,indeed1 they have already moved into cheaper living quarters1 not only to adapt themselves to a smaller income but also to work out of debt and re-acquire a piano4 ,much of the heartache in this situation might have been avoided if the couple had depended less on the wife's income to meet essential expenses4 ,one of the greatest pitfalls in the path of any young couple is the feeling that they must keep up with the ,joneses4 ,we all think of ourselves as belonging to a certain social group--whether we express it in snobbish terms or not4 ,but we need not on that account maintain a standard comparable to that of a neighbor whom we admire if1 in doing so1 we overextend ourselves4 ,intelligent persons are not impressed favorably by pretense4 ,what impresses is training and ability4 ,since the best time to acquire these is when we are young1 it may be necessary for a while to practice the very opposite of ostentation--self-sacrifice4 ,if your husband is a professional man and you have married early1 he may still be working for an advanced degree4 ,this entails fees and--what is even more exacting--time4 ,it means sacrifice--giving up social engagements and many comforts which you would be able to have on your husband's present salary4 ,there is no more basic part of the budget today than provision for more vocational training4 ,most of us waste money on nonessentials4 ,we have glass curtains before we can afford them1 whereas no curtains often make our houses lighter and more restful4 ,we have fancy trays1 knickknacks1 and extra little tables that we do not need4 ,the most attractive houses are in many cases those which show no evidence of overcrowding4 ,how many women1 if they look into their bureau drawers1 will not find them cluttered with accessories which either are not used or1 if worn1 spoil the elegance and tidy distinction of their costumes8 ,buying wisely is an art1 but it requires no special talent--only a willingness to learn--and there are any number of books and magazine articles available that will help you to be better buyers4 ,there are a few general recommendations1 however1 which may be made4 ,for example1 don't buy without asking yourself in each instance3 ,do ,i need this8 and ,will it fit in with other things ,i now have1 or will it require further buying8 ,thus a brown coat1 no matter how cheap1 is no bargain if all your accessories are black4 ,another important principle of good buying is3 ,be sure you know what you want2 then buy the best you can afford4 ,the best is usually the cheapest in the long run4 ,it means fewer replacements1 longer use1 and better appearance from the start4 ,analogous to wasting money on second-grade goods is the purchase of imitations of articles you can't afford4 ,don't buy things that require expensive upkeep4 ,washing is cheaper than dry-cleaning1 and if you have washable clothes and furnishings that can be handled at home1 you will not be stranded in a period when you have to cut costs by doing the work yourself4 ,buy from well-established merchants4 ,their reputation is valuable1 to you and to them alike4 ,avoid the fly-by-night shop and its vaunted bargains4 ,i have known brides who spent their meager food allowances on useless trimmings4 ,such ignorance is inexcusable2 no woman these days need go without competent advice on food purchases4 ,she has only to consult her favorite magazine4 ,most budgets allow something for the theatre1 social affairs1 weekends1 vacation1 and travel for pleasure4 ,the proportion of your income to be spent on recreation is a matter about which we must not be dogmatic4 ,you must figure out what you want most4 ,in the first place1 recreation requires the allotment of time and money to do things which you most enjoy1 and these will differ for every couple4 ,we may easily overemphasize the kind of recreation for which we pay money4 ,it is true that theatre tickets1 phonograph records1 and the like are expensive and offer a passive form of entertainment1 more appropriate for older people4 ,when you are young and trying to be happy on little money1 it is foolish to believe that you have to buy your fun4 ,whether or not you have a good time depends not on how much money you spend but on whether you and your husband are fundamentally good companions4 ,have you the spirit of play and the ability to enjoy things together8 ,then you have one of life's most precious gifts4 ,preserve it by exercise4 ,wherever you live1 there are inexpensive ways of getting into the woods1 picnicking together1 walking1 swimming1 and enjoying all sorts of outdoor sports at very little cost4 ,such recreation is good for you physically1 and great fun besides4 ,many young couples spend so much emotional energy on their children that they lose the invaluable habit of running off to play together4 ,wherever you cut expenses1 do not neglect to go off together frequently as you did when you were engaged4 ,no money is better spent than the small fee for hiring a person to look after the children while husband and wife take a picnic lunch together1 a long walk1 or do whatever it is they most enjoy4 ,too common today are people like ,mary and ,jim1 who1 in their eagerness to do all that books and lectures recommend for little ,peter1 got so involved in his welfare that they lost all their sense of fun4 ,they are today thoroughly dull people1 no longer interesting socially4 ,jim has failed to rise in his business1 for he mislaid the spark of enthusiasm which made him an asset to his employer4 ,most unhappy is poor ,peter1 who has become a genuine problem child4 ,entertaining may seem important to you1 but young couples are not expected to engage in any sort of formal social activity4 ,avoid expensive dinner parties and substitute informal gatherings where both the preparation and the cost of food will be slight4 ,if you are original and vivacious hosts1 your guests will have a jolly time4 ,your budget should provide something for medical service4 ,remember that the largest dental bill comes after a period of neglect4 ,you should not have to spend much in fees for the family doctor4 ,select one with care and talk over your circumstances with him in a friendly way4 ,don't be afraid to ask him what his fee will be4 ,it is a false kind of pride that leads one to hesitate in discussing professional fees frankly and fully4 ,investigate the three-cents-a-day hospital plan in your community4 ,no more serious question of expense will confront you than the cost of children4 ,the direct expense for hospital and medical care incidental to the arrival of a baby varies in different parts of the country1 but it is safe to say that in cities it will be somewhere between #ajj and #bjj as a minimum4 ,however1 you need not expect to enjoy the frills of a private room and special nurses and think the doctor will take care of you for a nominal fee2 there is no reason why he should4 ,having a baby is not a disease1 and you will not need to have fussy care4 ,you should1 however1 put something aside for those extra expenses which are almost certain to occur4 ,during the baby's first year1 regular medical care should be provided4 ,your doctor may suggest a contract under which you would pay him a specified amount to keep baby well and receive his services whenever you need them during that period4 ,under such a plan you may pay anywhere from #ej to #cjj a year4 ,if you prefer to pay by the visit1 you take the risk2 it may cost more1 or it may amount to less in the course of a year than it would under the terms of a definite contract4 ,it is easy to be extravagant in buying unnecessary clothes and toys for the child4 ,remember that a baby is happiest in the simplest surroundings and that the only two things you can give your child which are of permanent value are good health and an acceptable social attitude4 ,if you have the sort of home which leads him to develop a friendly1 happy disposition and teaches him the necessity of living honestly and sincerely with no attempt to conceal mistakes1 you will give him as much as any parent can give any child4 ,it is for yourself and not for your possessions that your children may arise up1 and call you blessed4 ,it is important to you both to keep up your appearance in order to be as attractive physically and mentally as before you were married4 ,but you may have to be very ingenious in devising short cuts to this end when the permanent wave you planned for or the new suit you hoped to buy is deferred by the need to put some more money into your husband's preparation for his business or profession or by any other emergency which might arise4 ,the pluck with which you meet these disappointments is a measure of your fitness for marriage4 ,in my own observation1 among the young business and professional group ,i have seen less genuine lack of money than fretful stupidity which was expressed in poor management4 ,a lack of imagination and resourcefulness often paves the way to tragedy4 ,we are living in a fascinating age1 but under a complex economy that makes many demands on our spirit of pioneering and adventure4 ,it was picturesque--daring1 perhaps--to leave comfortable homes and settled communities as our great-grandparents did1 adventuring into new country4 ,it sounds romantic to live in a sodhouse and wrestle with nature4 ,the truth is that they pretty well had to do these things to carve out a niche for themselves in their economic system4 ,we young married people may have to live in a walk-up in an unfashionable part of town1 but the same spirit of daring adventure and the identical will to make a go of things animates us4 ,if you have that spirit1 you can afford to get married1 and ,i can assure you that the rewards of facing your problems and seeing them through together are high4 ,such a marriage is firmly rooted1 and when its buoyant young love matures1 its flower is an enduring happiness that nothing else can equal4 ,jessie ,marshall1 ,m4,d4 ,,chapter ,,seven ,children8 ,of ,course6 ,nowadays we hear much about planning--town planning1 city planning1 nation planning4 ,the elder and younger statesmen are going to see to it that we are well-housed1 well-fed1 suitably employed according to our abilities1 and provided for in our old age4 ,good4 ,this1 as ,i understand it1 has always been the ,american plan4 ,i am sure that no ,american who is willing to work deserves less than the fullness of the earth4 ,and ,i shall assume that this country is going to be well enough planned to enable you to raise a family--with suitable planning4 ,for family planning is the most important planning4 ,indeed1 the whole point of national planning is to enable us in turn to plan the nation4 ,the nation rests on the family4 ,your family rests on you and your mate4 ,what are you planning to do about it8 ,how1 when1 and why8 ,in our children we live over our own childhood and project ourselves into the future4 ,until our own children come along we tend to forget that the world1 to which we are now so thoroughly and sometimes wearisomely accustomed1 once struck us as a thing of mysterious glamour1 promising an endless opening vista of keen excitement4 ,and yet1 if life is to continue worth the living1 we must continue to hold onto that early attitude4 ,we must continue to find ecstasy in simple sources4 ,and often it is our children--easily yet deeply pleased1 ceaselessly busy with their paints and blocks and animals1 ready for every new adventure1 never jaded1 never dull--who must remind us1 their elders1 how to get the most out of life4 ,in their love for flowers and animals1 paints and song1 we may rediscover the submerged or forgotten purpose of our own lives4 ,or our talent may be for building happy lives from the ground up1 in which case the children themselves are the answer to our search for pure-hearted1 never flagging excitement4 ,as for projecting ourselves into the future through our children1 reaching ahead through them in order to affect1 if possible1 generation after generation of people yet unborn--this is a kind of immortality snatched from death and a satisfaction1 though composed entirely of hope1 that parents prize4 ,strong-souled people feel that their personalities are worth perpetuating1 especially in conjunction with their beloveds'6 ,in proportion to their love of life1 to the strength of their joy and the clarity of vision of even better things1 people find one lifetime all too short to fulfill the expanding urges within them4 ,in their children they see human beings who may carry on their work1 or at any rate transmit their traits to grandchildren and great-grandchildren4 ,just at present people who have found life good1 the ideal parents1 feel the need of entrusting the future to people like themselves1 the desperate need to keep power from falling into the hands of morbid madmen who1 under the pretext of enlarging life1 precipitate horrible wars precisely because they themselves1 starved1 oppressed1 or humiliated from the cradle1 have never found life good4 ,yes1 our children can make all the difference between a life full of hope for the future of the race and one of pessimism and despair4 ,it is this sense of children as carrying something of ourselves1 our tempers1 our hopes1 into the future which is at the bottom of what we call the eugenic urge--the desire1 that is1 to beget good stock and pass on only the best in us4 ,about the obvious pleasures that children bring1 the fascination of seeing their characters unfold1 the happiness of festivals like ,thanksgiving1 ,christmas1 and ,easter1 which without children lose half their charm1 it is not necessary to speak4 ,for our purposes1 however1 the point is that there are literally dozens of reasons why nearly all of us want children4 ,the problem is when to have them and in what numbers4 ,for modern man likes to know what he is about in this world and to direct and control his destiny in the light of other knowledge and experience4 ,the time for the first baby is a question of readiness on the parents' part4 ,are they ready physically1 psychologically1 economically8 ,these are not1 of course1 three separate ways of being ready2 they are interdependent ways1 but they offer suitable heads under which to discuss the subject4 ,economic readiness is of utmost importance4 ,insecurity of employment1 insufficient means to provide the mother and baby with medical supervision and good food1 or looming debts are in themselves sufficient to prevent prospective parents from attaining the other kinds of readiness--physical and psychological4 ,on the other hand1 young people with steady incomes should not postpone having children merely because those incomes are not high4 ,three can live almost as cheaply as two1 especially in the child's first years4 ,it is the expense of hospitalization and doctor's care1 during pregnancy and throughout the first year or two following the birth1 that sometimes threatens to unbalance the family budget4 ,this additional expense must be provided for4 ,it need not be great--a matter of a few hundred dollars1 often less in various parts of the country4 ,the doctor's fee for pre-natal care and delivery will correspond roughly1 unless he is a senior specialist of great reputation 7by no means a necessity for healthy people71 to the expense for hospitalization4 ,the latter can frequently be obtained for a hundred dollars or less--though rarely1 if ever1 in a big city--making the total cost of getting the baby about two hundred dollars4 ,in many parts of the country hospital schemes1 into which you make a monthly or yearly payment1 make it possible to get two weeks' hospitalization for mother and baby1 with semi-private room1 use of delivery room1 and nursing care1 for about ten dollars4 ,this effects an obvious saving1 and has done a great deal to bring children within the reach of all4 ,during the first year or so the mother needs to be quite free to call on her doctor for service or advice whenever she wishes4 ,sometimes the doctor will be glad to arrange a flat charge for a year's attention1 say a hundred dollars1 or more or less1 depending on the family income4 ,such an arrangement often does the parents a great deal of good1 putting their minds at rest1 for they feel they can call on the doctor in all reasonable emergencies1 ask him all necessary questions1 expect periodic visits to their baby1 and receive all necessary vaccinations and immunizations for a fee they can afford4 ,the sum may be paid in monthly or quarterly installments4 ,money for the child may be saved out of monthly earnings4 ,this well-known phenomenon is called saving for children4 ,very often the parents of the married couple are glad to help them with the extra expense involved in having their first child4 ,i do not mean by loans--for it is not good for young people to be in debt1 even to loving creditors--but by actually undertaking to pay the hospital and the physician4 ,if people are ready for a baby in all other ways and only money keeps them from parenthood1 the prospective grandparents often feel it their duty to help in this way4 ,dr4 ,josephine ,hemenway ,kenyon1 director of the ,health and ,happiness ,club of ,good ,housekeeping1 has often made the wise suggestion that fathers give1 in addition to any other wedding present1 a #ejj or #ajjj bond1 called ,the ,baby ,bond1 to be kept to meet the expenses of bringing the first baby into the world and protecting its first year of life4 ,this idea appealed so strongly to some parents that ,dr4 ,kenyon went even further1 suggesting that young parents who can afford it take out a ten-year endowment policy of #ajjj for their thirteen-year-old children1 to be available when these children are twenty-three1 if needed1 to help them start their own families4 ,the question of the right age for parenthood is naturally of importance4 ,but it depends on many factors1 chief among which1 after the economic problem has been disposed of1 are physical and psychological health4 ,some time between twenty-three and twenty-eight seems to me to be a satisfactory time for a woman to bear her first baby2 but any time up to thirty-five presents no difficulty1 provided the physical and mental conditions are healthy and propitious4 ,plenty of women of forty and over have been known to go through first and subsequent pregnancies successfully1 but there is no reason for postponing children to this age except failure to find the right mate earlier in life4 ,people who have their first child when over thirty-five are themselves over fifty when the child goes through adolescence--an age which may make it difficult to help the child meet its crucial problems in the tone of one good friend to another4 ,if you cannot have your children before thirty-five1 you must make every effort to remain young enough for spiritual companionship with them4 ,the best age for parenthood is to be determined1 not in terms of years1 but of physical and psychological health and happiness4 ,in marriage psychological health and happiness are largely dependent on love4 ,it is of the utmost importance that every child should be a love child1 in the best sense of the term4 ,love is a splendor that eludes definition1 but it is characterized by an inexhaustible desire for the beloved's company and a steadily burning fire of enthusiasm and admiration4 ,so-called disillusion in love comes from the failure of these emotions4 ,young lovers1 through plenty of courting and companionship1 should try to make sure of the lasting quality of their love4 ,this is sometimes impossible1 however1 and for this reason and others ,i think it is just as well for married people to wait a year or even two before having their first child4 ,in the happiest marriages there are many adjustments1 unforeseen before the wedding1 to be made4 ,and it may very well be that only in the continued intimacy of marriage can the strength of love be tested4 ,only there can love gutter out or prove itself stronger than death--so much stronger indeed1 that1 as it deepens and widens in fullness and power1 it turns of its own accord directly toward the creation of more life4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in other words1 the best time to have children is when the lovers1 sure of themselves and of each other1 feel an imperious need to stamp the gold of life with each other's images4 ,i feel no hesitancy in urging married couples to take a year or so to make sure of their love1 if only for the children's sake4 ,economic conditions being adequate1 there is no reason to suppose that real lovers will put off having children until it is too late to obtain the best eugenic results4 ,to paraphrase the poet1 we may say that those who restrain their desire for children do so because their desire is weak enough to be restrained4 ,such people will probably not make good parents4 ,true lovers will beget children after a year or two1 nor will they mind making a few so-called sacrifices1 as of parties and new automobiles1 for the sake of having children4 ,they recognize the distinction between entertainment and joy4 ,man may be a laughing animal1 but he is more essentially a creative animal4 ,his deepest pleasures are simply the by-products of his activity4 ,in building a home around a family of children both men and women often find the deepest of all possible pleasures4 ,and when it is in this spirit of vital affection that the child is begotten1 we get1 as the eugenists say1 a vital fertilization4 ,the chances are that children so begotten will themselves be capable of strong1 sound1 deep-seated feelings4 ,as ,dr4 ,kugelmass says in ,growing ,superior ,children1 ,the degree of emotional devotion of one parent to another is reflected dominantly in the transmission of the more vital elements in the constitution of the progeny4 ,to the question of physical readiness for childbirth ,i come last1 but not because it is of least importance4 ,without physical health the parents cannot expect to beget healthy children1 nor indeed can they1 in many cases1 manage even to bear them4 ,as everyone knows1 women afflicted with tuberculosis1 heart disease1 and kidney changes should probably refrain from bearing children4 ,but this is a matter for the doctor to decide4 ,such people1 if their troubles are not severe1 may safely bear at least one child1 sometimes two4 ,they should put themselves in the hands of a good physician and rely implicitly on his findings and advice4 ,sufferers from venereal diseases should not attempt to beget children till they have been given a clean bill of health4 ,nor should children be begotten when the body is weakened by temporary disease or during the stage of debilitating after-effects4 ,for disease and fatigue affect sex cells unfavorably4 ,so do mental strain1 depression and overexcitement4 ,unhealthy physical and mental states in the parents lead to debilitated or deficient offspring4 ,they open the way to the operation of undesirable hereditary factors which generations of self-controlled parents have been driving into the background and attenuating to the point of disappearance4 ,it is possible for the father1 too1 to weaken his vitality by excessive sexual activity4 ,in fine1 the best time for conception to take place is when the lovers' sense of well-being1 physical as well as mental1 is at its fullest4 ,full-bodied passion1 which we may think of as a kind of crisis of love and health1 will give us offspring to be proud of4 ,one thing we cannot plan1 however1 is the sex of the child to come4 ,nor should we1 in general1 wish to4 ,it was the limited sphere of feminine activities that once tended to make girls a debit1 boys a credit4 ,nowadays girls have just as many opportunities of becoming interesting human beings as have boys4 ,it is a favorite theory of my husband's that they may1 and often do1 become more interesting1 because they can do not only everything that boys can do but one thing more--they can bear children1 a humanizing experience of the greatest possible value4 ,should you wish to know what are your chances of having twins1 ,i must remind you that the tendency to give birth to them is an inherited trait1 especially through the father4 ,twins are much more likely to be girls than boys1 and to be born later rather than earlier in the mother's married life4 ,thus it is three times more likely that a woman of thirty-eight will give birth to twins than that a woman of twenty-four will do so4 ,should you fear that the unpredictable appearance of twins will unbalance your baby budget1 you can1 for a moderate sum1 insure yourself against this chance with many of the larger insurance companies4 ,the insurance must be taken out before the existence of twins in the uterus can be diagnosed--that is1 in the first two or three months of gestation4 ,one twin birth occurs to about #ij single births1 one triple to about #hjjj1 and one quadruple to about #fej1jjj4 ,in all medical literature only about #cj cases of quintuplets have been recorded4 ,multiple births are not only rare1 but the babies are often so delicate that they are extremely difficult to rear4 ,we can be well pleased if our first pregnancy eventuates in a single healthy baby of either sex4 ,all the reasons for wanting the first child apply in the case of the second1 and to them are added more4 ,what was in the first instance simply a hope and a vague if powerful urge has now grown into a conscious desire1 based on the self-knowledge and experience gained from loving and looking after the first child4 ,we have had a real taste of the joys of home and family building1 and now nothing short of economic catastrophe is likely to stop us from building higher4 ,i assume1 of course1 that the mother did not encounter any severe difficulties in giving birth to her first child4 ,if she was in good medical hands1 she probably did not1 though certain unusual formations of the pelvis may have made her labor longer than usual4 ,i do not say more painful1 because medical science has found ways of minimizing the pains of childbirth4 ,even if it was found necessary to deliver the first child by ,caesarean operation1 a woman in normal health can without danger bear at least two children by this method4 ,and at the very least a family should include two children4 ,quite apart from the parents' natural desire to go on expressing their mutual love by building a full-voiced home on the foundations laid by the first child1 it soon becomes apparent that this first child1 for the sake of its own social and moral development1 needs a little brother or sister4 ,it needs companionship4 ,it needs to share its toys and its parents4 ,otherwise it will tend to grow self-centered4 ,by being too much with grown-ups it may become moody and negative4 ,after the question1 ,can you afford it8--and ,i sincerely hope you can--the next question facing the mother who wants a second child is1 ,when can ,i bear it with the maximum amount of benefit to it1 to my first child1 and to myself8 ,clearly1 if it is to be a playmate for the first child1 you will want to have it as soon as possible4 ,but1 in fairness to both the mother and the child-to-be1 there should elapse a period of about two years between the birth of the first and the conception of the second offspring4 ,less time than that will seldom allow the mother1 who put so much of her best blood and bone into building and nursing the first baby1 to recover fully her maximal physical health and strength4 ,all authorities are agreed on this point4 ,there may be exceptions1 of course1 and there are always mothers who1 by reason of having married late1 perhaps1 are anxious to have as many babies as quickly as possible4 ,but most women neither can nor will nor should produce children in this fashion4 ,there is too much risk of weakening the mother's body and of begetting poor stock4 ,later children may be spaced to suit the desires of the parents1 a recovery period of two years or more always being allowed the mother4 ,but will there be any later children8 ,dr4 ,ellsworth ,huntington in his contribution to this volume has told us that most of us who are not shiftless and incompetent1 on one hand1 or wealthy and well-established1 on the other1 belong to a group in which the average number of children1 including those who die young1 is fewer than three4 ,dr4 ,huntington rightly deplores this rapid fall of the birthrate1 especially among intelligent1 far sighted1 industrious1 progressive people whose ideals of family life are high4 ,the trouble with a family of fewer than three is that it cannot be counted on to project very far into the future those sound souls1 that good biological inheritance1 which the parents flatter themselves are so definitely worth preserving4 ,a family of two or even three children will not1 on the average1 produce two who1 by becoming parents1 may be thought of as replacing their father and mother4 ,thus a family of fewer than four children may be said to be dying out4 ,this is a sorry state of things for those parents who1 as ,i said above1 like to think of themselves as affecting the destinies of the race by transmitting their best characteristics from generation to generation4 ,when intelligent people are forced to limit their families to one or two children by lack of money1 it is a great pity4 ,there is a great abundance of good things in ,america1 but we do not seem to be able to get these things distributed in such a way as to do the most good4 ,we are all working for a better world1 but are we working hard enough8 ,i sometimes think that we are not working so hard as we might1 because our stake in that better scheme of things is not large enough4 ,if we dared to have three or four children1 with all the sacrifices implied1 ,i wonder whether this fact would not sharpen our scent on the trail of the better ,america4 ,lord ,bacon said that those who have children have given hostages to fortune4 ,but ,i am inclined to think that those who have made large and important bargains with chance are just those who will move heaven and earth to guard against mischance4 ,one aspect of the better ,america1 proposed by the ,american ,eugenic ,society1 will perhaps be the adoption of a sliding-wage scale1 characterized by a rise in pay upon marriage and with the arrival of each successive child4 ,that thoughtful people of our time1 whether rich or not1 will soon return to having families as large as our grandparents' is extremely unlikely4 ,to bear ten or fifteen children would probably kill most modern women or so completely wear them out that the remnant of their lives would not be worth living4 ,and families of this size would similarly exhaust even unusually large pocket-books1 leaving most fathers insolvent4 ,though it is probably true1 as economists say1 that our land and its resources1 if more equitably distributed and scientifically exploited1 are capable of supporting many more millions of ,americans than at present1 there seems to be no good reason for stepping up the modern middle-class family beyond four or five children4 ,the reader will notice that ,i have been going on the assumption that people can have children1 and fine specimens at that1 to order--when and as they please4 ,this is to a large extent true4 ,the key to the mystery is the doctor4 ,modern medical schools and modern law have entrusted into his hands not only the physical but the mental well-being of his patients4 ,the tight interlocking of the body and spirit has been everywhere recognized1 and the impossibility1 in many illnesses1 of healing one without treating the other4 ,positive well-being in the body1 so important for the begetting of strong children1 is practically inconceivable apart from positive happiness in the mind4 ,thus it has become a prime tenet of eugenics that babies must not be conceived under conditions of excessive mental worry or strain4 ,children begotten in deprivation or the fear that they are going to lower the whole family's standard of living to a painful pinch are not going to have much chance1 even while in the womb1 to turn out fit and strong4 ,judicious limitation of birth for reasons of health1 the whole health of the parents1 in behalf of the best possible grade of offspring has therefore become a routine part of the physician's service to his patients4 ,every married couple should put themselves in the hands of a physician whom they respect and admire1 making him an indispensable third partner to their family planning4 ,this crucial role of the doctor in eugenics is one of the few really deeply encouraging signs of our times4 ,the ,woman ,asks the ,doctor1 by ,dr4 ,emil ,novak of ,johns ,hopkins1 gives some idea of the role the modern physician may play in helping parents plan the vigorous citizenry of the future4 ,when the married lovers are ready to have their children1 it is naturally with the woman that the doctor is most concerned1 correcting structural or functional deviations or mild organic disease before the pregnancy has advanced too far1 seeing to it that the glandular mechanisms do their important work1 that nutritional intake is sufficient1 that digestion is kept successfully functioning1 that metabolic processes are raised to more than ordinary efficiency1 and that the body is kept free from all toxins and infections4 ,after the birth of the child the doctor will not only look after the child but also see to it that the mother suffers no adverse after-effects and is restored to her maximal health and efficiency as soon as possible1 ready to bear her next healthy baby when the time shall come4 ,should a baby be conceived unexpectedly1 the doctor is often the best person to help the parents handle the untoward situation4 ,he can give the mother's physical condition that special attention which it will probably need if she has borne another child quite recently4 ,if the objection to the child arises from economic or psychologic unpreparedness1 there is no one better fitted1 possibly1 than the modern physician for changing negative fear to positive desire4 ,by the force of his own enthusiasm for new life1 by his vision of the modern family1 by a skillful combination of his common sense and psychiatric training1 and by his ability to arrange fees within the range of his worried clients1 he can usually turn the unplanned conception into a happy accident4 ,it is often to the physician1 too1 that the father must look for practical guidance and encouragement in those unforeseeable cases when the mother perishes in connection with childbirth4 ,it is he who is in the best position to prevent the father from unconsciously attaching blame to the unoffending child and harboring an undefined resentment which may adversely affect both lives4 ,the doctor can help the bereaved father to cling to his dream of family life1 can assist him in building a happy home for his motherless child or children1 or can advise him on problems which may arise out of finding a new mother for them4 ,another important function of the physician is to give aid to couples who have difficulty in begetting children4 ,the question of sterility comes up frequently in our time1 especially among cultivated and intellectual people4 ,persistent failure to conceive we term absolute sterility2 persistent failure to carry pregnancy to a successful end1 we call relative sterility4 ,the latter is an obstetric problem and can usually be dealt with successfully4 ,so can the former in about forty percent of the cases4 ,we must remember the rule formulated by ,matthews ,duncan1 that the marriage of persons between twenty and thirty cannot be regarded as sterile until at least four years of normal1 happy sexual intercourse have elapsed4 ,i have known half a dozen instances in which a child was born after five1 six1 ten1 and1 in one case1 fifteen years of complete failure to conceive4 ,in these cases no special efforts were made by the couple to bring about conception4 ,couples who wish to make special efforts should have complete physical examinations1 both husband and wife1 for though failure to conceive used to be attributed solely to the wife1 we now know that in about thirty percent of cases it is the husband who is the cause4 ,many remediable physical conditions may be responsible for sterility1 and the doctor1 by correcting them1 has a wonderful chance to contribute to human happiness4 ,many families feel the tragedy of not having children1 and yet do not realize the need of finding out what the trouble is4 ,they just drift along1 assuming that nothing can be done1 and often they could be made fertile4 ,this subject is ably discussed in ,human ,sterility by ,dr4 ,samuel ,r4 ,meaker of the ,boston ,university ,school of ,medicine4 ,when the doctor decides that there is practically no chance of a couple's having children of their own1 their strong family urge may lead them to adopt some4 ,they can find useful information in ,e4 ,g4 ,gallagher's ,the ,adopted ,child4 ,it often happens that people get as much satisfaction out of adopted children as they could have got out of their own1 finding cause for pride1 inspiration1 and comfort in their unfolding toward maturity4 ,the question of whether we should adopt children when infants or later--at some age under six--is worth considering4 ,it may seem at first glance that only infants raised from the cradle can really take the place of children of our own4 ,while this is partly true1 there are drawbacks to be considered4 ,to begin with1 the supply of infants for adoption is not by any means large enough to meet the demand4 ,second1 more than half the number of small babies available are illegitimate1 and one can often learn little about the parentage4 ,though various child-placing agencies find it difficult to allocate those children who do not become available for adoption till the age of three or four or later1 there are many things to be said in favor of taking an older child4 ,more often they are legitimate and more facts about their parentage can be ascertained2 also1 it is possible to apply intelligence tests which will disclose whether their intelligence is normal or above4 ,often those parents who want to adopt children tend to be intellectual1 and will find greater happiness in--and give greater happiness to--a child who is of normal or superior intelligence4 ,you may object to the older child's early environment1 thinking that it must have permanently injured even the fairest of capacities4 ,but psychologists tell us that this is not really the case1 and that the unhappy effects of poor environment during the first five years of a child's life can be removed1 and the child reconditioned without too much trouble4 ,couples who are no longer young should1 perhaps1 adopt older children in order that they may stand in the most helpful age relation to them4 ,children adopted as infants should always be told that they are not the flesh-and-bone children of the foster parents4 ,this information1 which is bound to come to them1 will come with less shock from the parents themselves4 ,at the age of five or six1 when they first begin to be interested in where children come from1 is a good time to tell them4 ,it is agreed that the foster parents should use the word chosen rather than adopted--they chose their children out of all the thousands available1 just as the foster father chose his wife1 and the wife her husband4 ,this attitude toward the question makes for a feeling of family solidarity and loyalty no less profound than that between other parents and children4 ,everything must be done to prevent feelings of inferiority from growing out of the adoptive relationship3 the children must never be reminded of the fact of adoption1 the parents must not expect more gratitude from them than they would from offspring of their own1 and they must never1 never shout thanks to ,god1 in a moment of anger1 that the children are not really theirs4 ,to do so is not to play the game4 ,after all1 under most state laws1 children may be adopted on trial for a year4 ,if the children are kept after that date1 the parents bind themselves in law and in morality to bring them up exactly as if they were their own4 ,i keep using the plural throughout this paragraph because ,i assume1 of course1 that you will adopt at least two children if it becomes necessary for you to plan in this way your version of a splendid ,american family--strong1 loving1 and creative of an ever finer future4 ,dr4 ,hornell ,hart ,,chapter ,,eight ,detour ,around ,reno ,david and ,ruth have been married four years4 ,the first few months were glorious3 they had to make minor adjustments1 of course1 but they had thrilling times together1 and it was a wonderful thing to have someone you belonged to1 someone so comforting and lovable4 ,yet lately there have been difficulties4 ,david believes in saving money2 ,ruth thinks that you live only once and that you ought to spend your money--wisely1 of course--for the nice things and the great experiences1 especially since there is no telling when the bank will fail or when the bottom will drop out of the stock market and you will lose all you've invested4 ,david likes to get away from the house at night--to see friends1 and keep up with really good movies4 ,ruth prefers night clubs and gay parties4 ,david thinks ,ruth ought to be more careful about those white lies and those extremely dcollet dresses2 ,ruth thinks ,david is rather a prude and mighty inconsiderate in the way he keeps picking on her4 ,and then there is ,junior4 ,ruth believes in loving one's children wholeheartedly and trusting that affection and understanding will bring them through all right in the long run2 ,david thinks that right from the cradle youngsters need to build character and to learn that they have to obey4 ,two days ago there was quite a quarrel1 when ,ruth ordered the new electric stove without consulting ,david--and on the same day he discovered that she had accidentally overdrawn the bank account6 ,neither one has spoken it1 but the word ,,divorce has been saying itself behind those set lips and those coldly polite faces4 ,this falling out between ,david and ,ruth represents one general type of marital conflict4 ,a man and a woman differing somewhat in temperament--as any two people differ1 more or less--find themselves being hurt by the other's ways of acting4 ,each allows a sense of antagonism to grow up4 ,this makes them more ready to resent the next difference in opinion or purpose4 ,once started1 the feeling of enmity can grow like a snowball until neither one is willing to believe in the other's honesty1 fairness1 or decency4 ,this road leads straight to ,reno4 ,but there are many other ways of falling out in marriage4 ,for example1 there is the experience of ,henry and ,mary4 ,they had a queer sort of engagement4 ,they enjoyed each other's friends and had wonderful times playing tennis and going to shows together4 ,but when it came to love-making1 ,henry always felt that he had made a clumsy fool of himself1 and ,mary always felt a turmoil of baffled emotions4 ,their honeymoon was a ghastly failure4 ,of course ,mary knew that there was such a thing as sex1 but her parents had given her a feeling that the less people had to do with such things1 the better4 ,her marriage night left her with a feeling of blind revulsion4 ,she tried honestly to overcome it through the months that followed1 but she had to force herself to respond to ,henry's caresses1 and he knew bitterly that she hated the relation which for him was a deep and urgent need4 ,in the years that followed they had four children and loved them dearly4 ,they still enjoyed going out together1 entertaining their many friends1 and taking part together in their church activities2 but there was a grim disappointment back of it all1 and every now and then it broke out in harsh words which both of them regretted4 ,sexual frustration as experienced by ,henry and ,mary--or arising from various other causes--is a factor in many marital conflicts4 ,our next example illustrates another type of disharmony4 ,helen was really the one who brought about her marriage to ,william4 ,she was a capable businesswoman1 earning a good salary4 ,he was the only son of a divorced woman4 ,his mother loved him dearly2 he was her great source of comfort in the loneliness and disappointment of her own wrecked marriage4 ,helen saw the fine qualities in him and felt that he was being shut away from normal life because his mother wrapped herself around him4 ,when the mother was laid up in the hospital for three months1 ,helen set about a well-planned campaign4 ,they were married shortly afterward4 ,his mother valiantly refrained from going with them on the honeymoon--and arranged for them to live across the hall from her in the same apartment building4 ,william felt sincerely that he must not allow his mother to be lonely1 and he could not understand why his wife showed irritation when the three of them were together four or five nights every week and throughout the summer vacation4 ,but when he realized that it was not working out1 they finally moved to the other side of town and limited the evenings with his mother to two or three a week4 ,when they first married1 ,william insisted that his wife give up her work1 and he also felt that he ought to manage the family finances--with his mother's constant advice4 ,helen longed for children1 and she surrendered her business career in the hope that she might have a family4 ,but no children came1 and at last ,helen found a new position1 not so good as the one from which she had resigned4 ,she loves ,william passionately1 but she feels that his mother has spoiled their marriage4 ,william loves ,helen1 but feels that she is unaccountably hard and unfriendly toward his mother1 and he is distressed by her insistence upon earning her own income4 ,the mother wants both to be happy and is willing to retire into the background1 but she believes that ,helen does not really appreciate ,william2 as a mother she does not propose to see her son's life ruined by any woman4 ,william's mother fixation is a somewhat extreme example of a fairly frequent source of conflict4 ,in some cases the bride suffers from father fixation1 and her husband suffers accordingly4 ,our fourth case illustrates another widespread type of marriage problem4 ,sam had had a gay and jolly life before he married4 ,mabel felt keen pride when she finally captured him from the other girls4 ,he really meant to settle down and be loyal to her when they married4 ,their passion for each other was absorbing and wonderful for a while4 ,twins were born promptly1 and a year later came another child4 ,the babies kept ,mabel tied down rather closely to the home4 ,sam often found her with wildly straying hair and a mussed dress when he came home1 and her temper was apt to be on wire edge after nights of being up with the children4 ,sam always seemed to be sound asleep when the children needed attention4 ,mabel became careless about the cooking3 the food was often burned1 cold1 lumpy1 and poorly seasoned4 ,she noticed that ,sam always brightened up when a pretty girl was near4 ,he used to go out often to play cards with the boys1 and ,mabel twice found lipstick on his handkerchief4 ,a nice medical student who rooms next door has now taken to dropping in to talk to ,mabel4 ,she wonders--since ,sam is so free and easy--whether she might not also pick up a little thrill on the side4 ,and the neighbors have recently overheard some violent arguments between ,sam and ,mabel4 99 99 99 99 99 ,four typical cases of unhappy marriage have been sketched3 a man and woman who are allowing differences of opinion to grow into intense antagonism1 a couple suffering from miscarriage of their sex life1 a vigorous woman married childlessly to a mother-absorbed man1 and an overworked and rather careless mother married to a man who is always seeking fresh romance4 ,by way of contrast let us look at a quite different type of marriage4 ,charles and ,anna have been married twenty years4 ,loving each other has been the great adventure of their lives--that and having their three children4 ,they always regarded marriage as a partnership--fifty-fifty1 they used to say4 ,there have been times of stress1 but they have always been able to talk their problems out together4 ,there have even been outbursts now and then when they have got behind on their sleep1 and when each of them has been trying so hard to hold down the lid that it has finally blown off4 ,but always these storms have cleared the air1 and afterward they have come closer to each other than before4 ,marriage1 for them both1 is the great central core of life--focus of love1 faith1 and joy4 ,in spite of all that appears in the tabloid newspapers1 the ,charles-and-,anna type of marriage is far more typical than the experiences of the other four couples whose stories have just been sketched4 ,in almost every marriage there are rich values to be preserved and possibilities of deeper and fuller joy than have ever been achieved4 ,our purpose in this article is to point out some of the practical steps which can be taken by couples who do have fallings out1 to eliminate friction1 to keep love alive1 and to discover the deeper and wider happiness which might be theirs4 ,five ,ways ,to ,go ,no matter what crisis one confronts in life1 there are the following five possible ways of reacting3 #a4 ,one may acquiesce ignobly4 ,that means to give in weakly1 to take it lying down1 as the boys say4 ,if one is disappointed in one's wife or one's husband1 if one's sex life in marriage is a failure1 if one's in-laws intrude disastrously1 if one's mate follows loves outside of marriage1 or if any other catastrophe overtakes one's home1 one can give way to hopeless lamentation and self-pity3 ,there's nothing ,i can do about it4 ,it's just a rotten world4 ,nobody ever gives me a decent chance4 ,i suppose ,i've got to live along and pretend ,i don't care4 ,poor me6 #b4 ,one may evade cravenly4 ,that means to run away like a coward4 ,many divorces are simply a blind and frantic attempt to escape from suffering4 ,some divorces1 of course1 are the best possible solution of a bad situation4 ,but quite often the persons seeking the divorce are really trying to run away from themselves4 ,they have never learned how to live in friendly happiness with other people4 ,if they marry again1 they will promptly find themselves in new suffering because they have never solved the basic problems of their own personalities4 ,sometimes the cowardly evasion is mental instead of physical4 ,the husband or wife retires into a private world and puts up an icy barrier against the partner4 ,in any case this type of solution is a blind attempt to run away from the problem instead of facing it bravely1 trying to understand it1 and seeking the wisest and best solution possible4 #c4 ,one may attack vindictively4 ,most husbands and wives who are skidding toward divorce have convinced themselves that their marriage partners are villains4 ,this person ,i married is to blame4 ,he is selfish1 heartless1 cruel1 disloyal1 lazy1 and nasty4 ,he has hurt me terribly1 but ,i'll get even4 ,i'm going to make him suffer the way he's made me suffer4 ,i'll show him that he can't do that to me6 #d4 ,one may grapple courageously4 ,this means to look the situation squarely in the face1 to study it calmly1 open-mindedly1 and thoroughly4 ,it means to discover the real causes for the disaster1 to take an inventory of all the possible resources1 and then deliberately and bravely to choose whatever line of action seems most likely to lead up out of the swamp onto higher ground4 ,in any problem which we face1 some of the conditions are almost completely beyond our control4 ,one cannot do much1 for example1 to change the kind of mother whom one's husband has had1 to reverse his inherited characteristics1 or to cure the economic depression against which he may have to struggle4 ,but certain other conditions one can change4 ,especially1 if one will1 one can alter one's own ways of acting1 of talking1 and even of thinking4 ,the courageous grappler accepts without despair the unchangeable factors in his problem and sets about correcting the conditions which are within his control--especially his own patterns of living4 #e4 ,one may cooperate creatively4 ,this means that one will still grapple courageously1 but not as a lone wolf4 ,one will seek to understand the other people who are involved3 one's husband or wife1 one's children1 one's relatives1 one's rivals1 and all the other people who have any part or interest in the family problem4 ,to understand means to be able to see the situation sympathetically through their eyes1 but without losing perspective4 ,cooperating creatively means teamwork4 ,it means discovering what is the best solution for everybody involved1 and then working wholeheartedly toward that solution4 ,the rest of this article is devoted to outlining some practical steps toward cooperating creatively when one has fallen out with one's marriage partner4 ,if you yourself are confronting difficulties in your marriage1 you may find it helpful to note down each of the following steps on a sheet of paper and then write in after each step the applications that fit your own case4 ,see whether you can transpose these suggestions into the terms of your problem4 ,if you start thinking about what you face1 in the light of these steps1 you will probably find new ideas and fresh possibilities coming into your mind as you write4 ,those solutions which spring up in your own thinking may prove to be just the aids which you need to get a new grip and to start transforming your marriage into a thing of new beauty1 joy1 and power4 ,ten ,steps ,to ,marital ,adjustment #a4 ,abandon all feelings of resentment4 ,emotional antagonism toward one's mate1 or toward other personalities in the problem1 acts as an effective barrier against finding the creative solution and against putting it into effect4 ,what you hate you cannot understand1 because you are ready to believe all evil of it1 and unprepared to perceive its good4 ,therefore surrender all grudges1 jealousies1 and feelings of contempt4 ,emotions of enmity distort one's vision and impel one toward actions and words that are not wise4 ,when one person feels resentment against another1 the other is likely to feel resentment in return4 ,this intensifies the first resentment1 and so the hatred grows4 ,someone has to break the vicious cycle4 ,don't wait for your marriage mate to take the first step if this joy-destroying process has started in your home4 ,forgive and forget4 ,let good will take the place of antagonism in your own consciousness1 even though your mate continues to carry on the old grudge for a while4 #b4 ,eliminate needless irritants and antagonizers4 ,make a careful and thorough study of the things that are hurting1 distressing1 or thwarting your mate4 ,here is a check list which includes some of the most frequent annoyers in married life4 ,stop criticizing your mate--above all in the presence of other people1 but also in private4 ,carefully avoid every action or situation which makes your mate feel inferior1 or which brings him unnecessary failures1 even in small things4 ,don't insist on playing bridge if he a poor player2 don't cultivate witty conversations with brilliant people if he feels like a dub in such company2 don't throw him into contrast with people who are stronger1 more successful1 or better educated than he2 avoid those situations in which you demonstrate your own superiority over him4 ,study to eliminate the topics of conversation which are annoying to him3 stop bringing up the subject of his shiftless relatives1 the time he went bankrupt1 the occasion on which he made a fool of himself1 or that political or religious question on which you always quarrel4 ,replace those items of household equipment which keep causing unnecessary pain1 labor1 and irritation3 that leaky faucet1 that worn-out washing machine1 that broken light switch1 that asthmatic vacuum sweeper1 that torn rug1 that decrepit snow shovel1 that ready-to-be-junked lawn mower4 ,avoid inflicting unnecessarily on your mate people or pastimes which bore him4 ,don't drag him to teas or to concerts or to prize fights if these events pain and torture him4 ,form the habit of keeping all appointments with your mate on the punctual minute4 ,but 7unjust as this may seem7 do not demand that your mate do likewise4 ,never read at the table unless your mate also has something interesting to read and agrees to the arrangement4 ,bring your mate into contact with your relatives so infrequently and under such favorable circumstances that their liking for each other will flourish rather than perish4 ,do not try that dangerous experiment of flirting with someone else in order to keep your mate interested in you4 ,never repulse your mate's sexual advances in a way which will seem unloving1 contemptuous1 or irritated4 ,if you cannot respond fully at the moment1 be sure that you express unmistakably your respect1 your affection1 and your comradeship1 and make it clear that the necessary sexual denial is a mere postponement4 ,watch to see whether you are needlessly violating your mate's ideals of courtesy1 decency1 good sportmanship1 generosity1 or honor4 ,see whether you can discover any other way in which you have been unnecessarily irritating or hurting your mate1 and make a clean break with that joy-destroying habit4 #c4 ,find ways to do new joyful things together1 even in seemingly trivial ways4 ,the long check list under item #b is largely negative4 ,add the positive side4 ,buy your mate little presents--from the ten-cent store and occasionally from more expensive places4 ,make a private list of the small things that please him most 7yellow jonquils1 ,olivia de ,havilland1 dipped caramels1 picnics1 chicken pie1 ,bill ,smith1 ice-box snacks1 ,beethoven records1 best-seller novels1 theatre parties1 grape juice with ginger ale1 odd china1 or whatever they are7 and make a habit of springing small but delightful surprises4 ,cultivate the friendly little family jokes that grow up wherever people enjoy each other intimately4 #d4 ,have children together if you possibly can4 ,have them deliberately1 by mutual agreement4 ,have as many as your mate can wholeheartedly agree to1 and throw yourselves into the great adventure of giving them the best possible start in life4 ,remember that the finest things you can give your children are courage1 self-respect1 faith1 understanding of beauty1 comradeship1 and the eager desire to serve their fellowmen4 ,these great endowments can be given to one's sons and daughters even though one has a severe struggle to give them good clothes and an education4 ,often the financially hard-pressed give their young a far richer heritage than do those who are wealthy but neglectful4 #e4 ,understand your mate4 ,set about that job as though your life depended on it4 ,your married life and its happiness do depend on it4 ,understanding one's wife or husband is far more important than earning a college degree--and even more thrilling and absorbing1 if one goes about it in the right way4 ,spend time alone1 quietly1 affectionately1 and dispassionately thinking about your mate4 ,what have been his great emotional experiences in life8 ,what are the main drives that determine his ways of acting8 ,what are his deepest aspirations and longings8 ,what are his unrealized possibilities8 ,what are the things that have most thwarted him and kept him from achieving what he has hoped to do8 ,sometimes the process of understanding oneself and one's mate calls for expert help4 ,skilled marriage counselors are available increasingly in our larger cities 7but be sure to go only to those who have demonstrated their skill and training by helping other people whom you know and helping them over a considerable period of time74 ,sometimes magazine articles will help4 ,excellent books on marriage and family life are available at public libraries4 #f4 ,discuss your vital family problems with your mate frankly1 but do not argue endlessly4 ,if there are tensions in your married life1 bring them into the open1 honestly and courageously4 ,don't try to convert your mate to your point of view2 try to understand his point of view4 ,try to understand each other4 ,but after you have cleared the air and shared your ideas and your problems do not rehash and repeat and go back over and over again until you are both weary and rebellious4 ,marriage is a partnership1 not a debating society4 #g4 ,discover areas of agreement1 and develop together joint programs of action on which you can work together enthusiastically4 ,the projects and purposes of a husband and wife often conflict even when their desires and motives are in harmony4 ,very well1 go back of the purposes to the underlying desires1 and build new projects and purposes on which you can unite4 ,suppose that one of you wants to go to the movie down on the corner and the other just hates the idea4 ,very well2 that is a conflict4 ,but if you search open-mindedly1 you will probably find some underlying agreement4 ,perhaps1 though you disagree about this particular movie1 you both are craving to see some good movie2 and if you look up the advertisements1 you can find one that will delight you both4 ,or perhaps the essential desires of each will be fulfilled best if you stay home tonight to catch up on your sleep1 and then go to a movie tomorrow night4 ,or perhaps one of you dislikes the idea of any movie at all1 but both of you want to go out for the evening2 then doubtless you can find some other entertainment that will satisfy both4 ,somewhere1 back of the surface disagreement1 lies a deeper agreement if you will seek it patiently and lovingly4 ,and this applies not only to a little dispute over movies1 but to all the greater controversies that husband and wife confront4 ,where shall we move8 ,how shall we get along on the family income8 ,what religious training shall we give the children8 ,shall ,mary be permitted to have that ,jones boy come to the house8 ,no matter how perplexing the disagreement may be1 there is a best possible solution for all concerned if we will seek it understandingly and in the spirit of love4 #h4 ,surrender nonessentials4 ,many a marriage has gone to smash because husband or wife or both clung as a matter of principle to a point which could easily have been given up and forgotten if both had centered on the great underlying essentials4 ,do not acquiesce ignobly on vital matters4 ,but do not wreck your own happiness and that of your mate over some comparatively minor issue that was never worth the tears and the agony which it caused4 #i4 ,agree to live and let live4 ,cultivate freedom for your mate1 your children1 and all the people involved in your family problems4 ,to be oneself is one of the most precious rights of a human being4 ,we need it for the fulfillment of our own life4 ,our loved ones need that same freedom for the fulfillment of their lives4 ,now1 freedom is not defiance of law1 but voluntary fulfillment of law4 ,the better we understand each other and the laws of life1 the more likely we are to find that freedom which brings the fullness of joy4 ,by one of those strange paradoxes1 we never fully win the love of our dear ones until we cease demanding it4 #aj4 ,put the welfare of your family first1 and stop fretting about yourself4 ,although this rule comes last in our list1 it really comes first in the search for fulfillment of personality in family life4 ,what do you really want from your mate and your children8 ,are you after comfort1 security1 affection for yourself8 ,or do you want1 above all things1 that these loved comrades of yours shall find the road to the abundant life--shall experience richly and grow fully1 until they find their true places in the master pattern of our world adventure8 ,answer that question honestly4 ,live up to your real decision4 ,and if with all your heart you seek the joy of these others1 your love will be met with the high tide of love1 and even out of anguish you will win your way into the meaning and the glory of existence4 ,frances ,bruce ,strain ,,chapter ,,nine ,sex ,instruction in the ,home ,a young woman who has won a place for herself as an artist tells the story of her first nude drawing4 ,she was of scarcely more than kindergarten age when1 one day before supper1 her fancy produced a sketch of her ten-year-old brother in nature's own attire4 ,pleased with the result1 she took it to the supper table and gave it to him--,a picture ,i made of you4 ,brother looked1 glanced swiftly at ,mother1 and started to pocket the sketch4 ,mother said1 mother-fashion1 ,let me see it1 and then1 after seeing1 also started to slip the picture out of sight4 ,father held out his hand4 ,let's have a look4 ,around the table the drawing passed from hand to hand4 ,no one praised1 no one spoke1 no one smiled4 ,when one of the younger children started to say something1 he was abruptly told to eat his supper4 ,heavy hung the weight of unexplained guilt over the five-year-old artist4 ,after the meal her mother took her quietly aside and said1 ,when you draw a picture of a boy1 you don't have to draw everything6 ,it was years1 the artist confessed1 before ,i could draw1 comfortably1 a male nude4 ,many of the young men and women among our readers1 who are concerned with love and marriage1 have undoubtedly become aware of inner handicaps of their own--handicaps of thought and feeling which they recognize as their heritage from a generation of other-mindedness in regard to matters of sex4 ,there were silences that caused wonderings1 punishments that were not understood1 prohibitions which built up timidities1 over a long zigzag trail of unrest and fear through childhood up to maturity4 ,we hear young people say because of their own experience1 ,i'll see to it that my children don't go through what ,i went through4 ,and they do see to it4 ,mothers of school-age children1 of kindergarten and nursery-age children1 mothers of babies1 even mothers in their first pregnancies1 come with their questions in order that they may start right4 ,at what age do you begin explaining life to children8 ,how much do you tell8 ,how much do you explain their own growing-up changes8 ,how do you keep them from talking to others8 ,does telling lead to trying out things with each other8 ,my little girl doesn't ask questions--how make her healthily curious8 ,my little boy has a bad habit--how deal with it8 ,these are representative questions1 and they strike deep into the heart of education as we see it today1 for sex education is no longer merely a matter of biological instruction4 ,knowledge of human reproduction is an essential in every instance1 of course4 ,it is the basic science back of the whole sexual life4 ,but just as the physical aspects of marriage are for men and women today subordinate to the psychic and intellectual aspects1 so in a sex-education program1 especially one in the home1 biological information is far from being the element of greatest importance4 ,more significant is the guidance and nurture of the emotional life of your children--their emotional natures as a whole1 and especially those aspects of their emotional natures which have their roots in the sexual impulse4 ,frustrations of childhood1 failures1 hurts1 jealousies1 misinterpretations of childish love affairs1 play episodes for which society has such swift punishment1 clandestine sex knowledge--these are the experiences which leave their blight on the later love responses4 ,life as a whole with its conventions and social codes does not present an open highway to the goal of sexual maturity4 ,but forward-looking parents can1 by granting knowledge1 understanding1 and a sympathetic interpretation of the various phenomena of the sexual life1 prevent many of the hazards of the past and provide a better assurance of happiness for their children4 ,because the biological aspects of sex teaching are concrete1 something one can lay hold of in a tangible way1 we shall consider them first4 ,there is no set age to begin sex education4 ,there is no set place to stop4 ,there is a time to begin1 and that time is indicated by any expressed interest on the part of your young son or daughter--a question1 a comment1 an observation1 a wish4 ,the time to stop is when his interest stops4 ,don't run on ahead of him4 ,usually interest is stimulated by some incident in the neighborhood or at school--a tank of young guppies1 a nest of baby mice in someone's cellar1 a new baby home from the hospital1 a word in the newspaper4 ,with many very young children1 concern about their own origin seems to arise spontaneously4 ,where did ,i come from1 ,mother8 ,it is a natural question1 yet it has a certain mystical quality1 coming as it does from within and reaching back into the unknown4 ,the greatest number of questions arise between the ages of four and six4 ,after school entrance1 questions recede gradually until by the ninth1 tenth1 or eleventh year children have reached what is called the questionless age4 ,this is not an indifferent age--quite the opposite--but spontaneous questions are less frequent4 ,possibly they are crowded out by other interests1 possibly bits of desultory information satisfy for the moment2 and there is always the gradual adoption of reticence which takes place as children grow older4 ,at adolescence there is a keen revival of interest but more resistance to open family discussion than in the pre-adolescent age4 ,maturing children are touchy1 sensitive1 self-conscious1 modest1 seclusive4 ,they run to cover at too intimate a topic1 especially in the hands of adults who are inclined to strike a wrong note2 to be preachy and teachy and inquisitive and1 in terms of the young adolescents themselves1 too darn sexy6 ,no matter what the age1 whether pre-school1 elementary school1 or high school1 if questions are asked or interest is shown1 explanations are given in accordance with the age1 understanding1 and general background of the child4 ,the questions that children ask are as the sands of the sea1 yet sifted and analyzed1 they reveal a fairly uniform structure on which one may build4 ,it is a foursquare structure of pregnancy1 birth1 fertilization1 and mating1 in the order named4 ,they start with a concrete situation--,where did ,mrs4 ,holmes get her baby8--and the three others follow in logical sequence4 ,of course1 the pattern varies somewhat4 ,well1 where did ,mrs4 ,holmes get her baby8 ,you know and ,i know1 yet the thought of getting it all said to this young cherub in a brown snowsuit makes us a bit fluttery4 ,we didn't think that it would4 ,oh1 the baby4 ,all babies grow inside their mothers4 ,how unbelievably simple6 ,no birds or bees or butterflies1 or seeds planted under mothers' hearts4 ,just all babies grow inside their mothers4 ,six words4 ,of course you may touch up the story4 ,you will not want to leave it so stark and bare4 ,they grow in a little place just made for them to grow in4 ,it's in here1 the place is1 in mothers1 and you give a friendly pat against your side4 ,many children ask where the place is1 and many think it is the stomach4 ,other children have said so4 ,the place is called the uterus1 u-t-e-r-u-s1 and is a little sac that stretches as the baby grows4 ,you don't have to say all this4 ,whether you do or not depends upon your child4 ,some children1 the younger ones1 may let you off with a word4 ,others must have more detail4 ,it's all an individual matter4 ,anyway1 you keep on answering as long as the questions come1 and no longer4 7,sometimes enthusiasm runs away with us47 ,we need not be surprised1 once the matter of pregnancy is established1 to be confronted with a swift second question1 ,how does the baby get out of the mother8 ,sure enough1 how does he8 ,about five years ago ,i put this question to a class of high-school-senior girls and requested written answers4 ,they are born2 they leave the mother through an opening2 they come from the mother in some way--these were the best answers4 ,most of the others read1 ,i'm uncertain about it2 it's very hazy in my mind2 ,i wish you would explain exactly2 ,i've always wondered2 and so on4 ,an explanation of the process of birth is the second foundation square of the whole structure4 ,pregnancy is the first4 ,one depends upon the other1 so we say3 ,in every mother there is a passage that leads from the place where the baby is growing4 ,when the baby is ready to live by himself as a separate little person1 he is brought down the passage and out through an opening into the world4 ,this coming into the world is called being born4 ,another word for the same thing is 'birth4' ,your birthday is your being-born day4 ,many mothers like to adopt a bit of drama that can be done with the hands and arms to illustrate their verbal explanations4 ,the pantomime makes the story simpler and helps relieve self-consciousness4 ,suppose the baby grows in here1 you say1 cupping your hands together with the wrists straight and parallel4 ,between my wrists is the passageway leading to the outside4 ,when the baby is ready to be born1 the passageway widens and lets the baby through4 ,it's a good deal like swallowing1 only the other way around4 ,your food slips down a passage into your stomach1 out of sight4 ,the baby slips down a passage into sight6 ,there is your story of birth in a nutshell4 ,little boys and girls1 too1 are often troubled at the thought of birth4 ,it seems an impossible feat4 ,so you explain the contraction of the muscles1 the size of a newborn baby--about as big as your ,molly ,lou doll--the position of the baby--all folded up like a little ,jack-in-the-box4 ,most conscientiously you leave an impression of the naturalness of the birth process4 ,not for worlds would you create any feeling of distress or anxiety4 ,neither do you1 as the mother1 seek to appropriate all the laurels4 ,the children do not owe you love and obedience because of what you went through for them1 and that is the reason ,i love you so leaves father a bit out in the cold4 ,no1 birth should not be presented as a sacrifice or an ordeal1 but as a fulfillment1 a joyous fulfillment which mother and father together share4 ,the two remaining foundation squares1 fertilization and mating1 take more courage to answer4 ,they strike so closely into the heart of existing relationships4 ,you are fearful1 too1 that the knowledge will be misused1 that it will lead to sex play and experimentation4 ,you don't know how to phrase the answer anyway4 ,there are some things you just can't put into words6 ,let's see if one can't1 and much more simply than you imagine4 ,your ,philip1 or ,philippa1 who has just learned that babies grow in their mothers1 says3 ,i wonder what makes the babies start4 ,how do they get in their mothers in the first place8 ,babies are not babies from the very start1 you answer4 ,they have to grow before they are born just as you grow now after you are born4 ,each baby starts at first from the union of two tiny particles of living matter called cells4 ,one cell is in the father1 one is in the mother4 ,these two particles must come together and unite away up in the mother where the baby is to grow4 ,when they do1 then the baby begins to take form4 ,now for the next step1 mating4 ,no1 it's not so difficult at all if you have not neglected to build up a foundation for it as you went along4 ,for an understanding of the act of mating1 the children must first be familiar with the differences in body structure--that boys have an outer organ1 and the girls have a long1 slender inner passage4 ,knowledge of the first they acquired in the come-and-go of daily home association2 of the second1 when they learned how a baby was born4 ,in a discussion of mating1 it takes usually just the merest reference to these structural differences for children to see immediately the mechanics of mating4 ,yes1 these two parts fit closely together so that the father cells 7sperm cells7 are able to pass over to the mother and up to the place where the baby is to grow4 ,to many this will seem a very cold1 stark1 and inadequate presentation of a deeply psychic experience4 ,in these first explanations of human reproduction1 pregnancy1 birth1 fertilization1 and mating1 ,i believe it would be out of place to try to bring about any considerable awareness of either the sensuous or the emotional involvements in the act of procreation4 ,that knowledge comes later4 ,but the feeling which all our first teaching conveys is important4 ,it is especially important in relation to the three major experiences1 pregnancy1 birth1 and mating1 about which so much resistance has centered in the past4 ,our teaching should carry with it a natural acquiescence to ,nature's own plan1 rather than any outward expression of our own mental philosophy toward it4 ,most children1 given a knowledge of the basic facts of reproduction1 usually grant them a ready and happy acceptance4 ,those parents who met their children's questions and other expressions of interest as they arose1 and also those who were not able to1 seek1 as junior-high-school days approach1 the assurance that their children are ready for that wider experience4 ,i don't know how much she knows--she doesn't say anything1 and she doesn't want me to4 ,certainly the last thing one does is to probe or question4 ,if you have reason to feel that something must be done1 you may go about it in several ways3 #a4 ,you may take the initiative by introducing into family conversation some topic of current interest which will promote questions--incubator babies1 the ,dionne quintuplets1 child marriages1 the recent thirteen-year-old father4 #b4 ,pets are marvelous biological laboratories--white mice1 rabbits1 puppies1 snakes1 turtles4 ,of course there must be mates and matings4 #c4 ,well-chosen books1 not only sex-education books1 but simple biologies and ,nature books as well1 open up thought and discussion4 #d4 ,visits to the zoological gardens1 to natural-history museums and art galleries1 are valuable teaching experiences4 ,if the subject is not marred by too much realism or sentiment or moralizing1 older children will respond with interest to a discussion of human reproduction4 ,even when a child is approachable1 if your own emotional balance is insecure1 it is1 perhaps1 well to work out these objective and tangible activities with the children1 as with a fellow student4 ,the joint interest is a way of achieving in the end greater poise for yourself4 ,before we leave the subject of the biological aspects of sex teaching1 a word concerning preparation for maturing4 ,in general1 experience shows that explanations of the outward phenomena which mark the onset of adolescence--menstruation and seminal emissions--should be made to both boys and girls long before they are likely to occur--at ten1 surely1 or even earlier if questions arise4 ,many children become acquainted with them through older children at school and receive not too pleasant impressions4 ,in pre-adolescence the whole matter can be presented so that it is accepted objectively and impersonally4 ,with both boys and girls there is often a feeling of prideful expectancy1 and some day you may expect to hear a joyful announcement1 ,mother1 oh1 ,mother--it's come6 ,at this point ,i should like nothing better than to leave our teaching to do its own good work for the children4 ,but in the minds of parents there is an ever recurring anxiety--the use to which the children will put this new knowledge4 ,ideas are not1 we know1 soporific4 ,they tend to translate themselves into action4 ,will the children talk8 ,and won't they start experimenting8 ,the matter of talking outside is rapidly taking care of itself through the general adoption of sex-education teaching by most young parents4 ,nobody runs around telling what everyone knows4 ,it has become a commonplace4 ,occasionally one may caution young school-age children not to say much to the other children1 but if they do in their enthusiasm or in a casual moment1 no great harm is done4 ,certainly one does not punish for it4 ,children who are overweighted either with too much sex knowledge or with fears and cautions are usually the neighborhood offenders4 ,one father recently told me that he didn't dare give his son the usual terms for his reproductive organs because he would go straight out and shout them from the housetops4 ,as a matter of fact1 that was just what the boy was doing with the substitute terms4 ,realizing that a wooden gun is as good as a real one when it frightens everybody1 the child used his substitute terms to shock his father and the world at large4 ,in reality1 there are no substitute terms4 ,everyone knows them for what they are1 and in addition as confessions of weak courage4 ,modern sex teaching is filling the great need of other days in its adoption of correct terms for the functions of the body and its organs as they apply to elimination and reproduction4 ,it is an informal sort of thing which comes along like a little companion of the more important topics4 ,strange that so much that is visible should go nameless1 while hidden things like heart and stomach and lungs should be known6 ,a young five-year-old who adored his pretty nursery-school teacher took constant note of the beauties of her person4 ,her eyes were so blue and her hair was so wavy and her throat was so smooth1 and when she bent over1 you could see her lungs6 ,in all this provision for your children's understanding1 one thing we counsel against4 ,it is the choice of another person--friend1 nurse1 minister1 doctor--to take your place1 unless that person has had special sex-education training and possesses those personal qualifications which fit him for the task4 ,a scientific background is not enough4 ,in the near future we shall have college-trained leaders1 not only trained but college-sanctioned and selected4 ,until that time there is no lay person so well qualified to teach children as their own intelligent fathers and mothers4 ,they are able to establish a valued inner and progressive bond of confidence when their teaching has been happily and wisely carried out4 ,after all1 in this age of transition when so much is counted good that once was counted bad1 and so much counted bad that was once good1 it doesn't matter much what our words are so long as they convey reassurance1 dependability1 and a sense of the rightness of living with rather than against the best of ,nature's plans4 ,does sex instruction tend to start misconduct--suggest to children that they undress each other1 play father and mother1 and does it impel to too free speech and behavior8 ,no1 on the contrary1 sex teaching1 wisely carried on1 has proved itself to be the best of preventives4 ,it has a stabilizing influence and leaves the minds of the children free to turn to other interests4 ,my experience shows a high correlation between sex misconduct and lack of adequate sex instruction4 ,usually in childhood1 sexual misconduct is not sexual at all in origin4 ,it has any number of causes and any number of guises4 ,most frequent of the causes are3 seeking to know1 emotional stress1 lack of a good time1 sex activity in others1 premature sex experience4 ,children who do not live in a cloud of mystery1 whose mental horizon has been cleared by simple explanations of observable facts--the differences in physical structure of boys and girls1 for example--are not likely to be the aggressors or even onlookers in any neighborhood undressing episode4 ,it holds nothing for them4 ,on the other hand1 a child may have a very clear idea of sex differences1 may have dressed and undressed freely with sister or brother1 and still be active in undressing episodes as an emotional outlet4 ,one such boy was mother-bound4 ,he had been brought up a goody-goody4 ,in order to demonstrate that he was no sissy but a thorough-going he-man of eleven1 he headed a gang of girl tormentors4 ,sex misconduct as recreation1 as something to do1 has a long record4 ,in a dull and dispirited world1 girls and boys find the thrill of adventure in games1 clubs1 and play of all kinds1 with sex in its most unsavory form as the central theme4 ,a little nine-year-old who had been a frequent offender was asked what in all the world she would like most to do4 ,promptly she answered1 ,go roller-skating4 ,which would you rather do1 go roller-skating or play 'father and mother8' ,with shining eyes she answered1 ,oh1 go roller-skating6 ,there was no doubt of this child's sincerity1 no doubt of the drab1 pinched quality of her meager opportunity for childish fun4 ,sex activity often has its origin in a home situation4 ,in these days of apartment dwelling and the crowding together of many families1 a child must be very inattentive indeed not to have gathered through conversation and observation much firsthand knowledge of the adult sexual relationship4 ,children should1 of course1 be aware of the love of their fathers and mothers for each other as well as for themselves1 but love-making in its final forms is baffling and disturbing to their emotional natures1 and observation of it often leads to sex misconduct4 ,the most serious type of sex activity is that caused by a premature sexual experience at the hands of some adult1 often an elderly and trusted person4 ,even if the episode occurred but once1 and the offender left1 never to be seen again1 a psychic injury or trauma frequently 7not always7 results and manifests itself in obsessive sex behavior4 ,when premature sexual experience is the motivating factor in sex misconduct1 most careful guidance is necessary1 lest the future love life be endangered4 ,after relieving the child of feelings of guilt1 the conduct of the older offender must be explained in terms of his senility or his mental state4 ,he is not normal4 ,he should be in a hospital4 ,it is important that this person's abnormal conduct does not represent in the child's mind the natural sex pattern4 ,faith in love-making and faith in love partners must be held intact4 ,yet there should be no discussion of love and no real sex teaching at this critical time4 ,sex instruction is a post-convalescent therapy4 ,it should not be used as an immediate or first-aid remedy for fear it may become associated with a most distressing memory4 ,above all1 family conversations and speculations should be abandoned1 for children are sensitive to talk they do not even hear4 ,a child who has suffered a premature sexual experience at the hands of an older person needs all that his family can give him of thoughtful consideration and reassurance4 ,yet he should by no means feel himself a hero4 ,once the story is told and accredited1 it should sink into a friendly silence4 ,whatever form sex misconduct takes--whether peeping and undressing1 playing father and mother1 using vulgar words1 making offensive drawings or writing unsavory verses1 urinating in public--punishment in any of its many forms tends to decrease the quick chances of recovery4 ,humiliation1 body-guarding 7,i never can trust you alone71 confinement 7lock you up71 emotional scenes 7you've disgraced your family71 threats 7,i'll send you away7--strike deep into the emotional nature of the child and destroy that integrity of spirit and belief in himself which he needs for his restoration4 ,persistent probings and grillings will also block progress4 ,correction of any type of sex misdemeanor requires insight1 forbearance1 a vast amount of emotional poise1 and an understanding of contributing causes4 ,if lack of wholesome sex knowledge is the cause1 then wise sex instruction without reference to past sins is the remedy4 ,if fixations1 jealousies1 or a too strict moral code at home are responsible 7and they often are responsible not only for the more active forms of misconduct1 but for masturbation1 thumb-sucking1 and other bad habits as well71 then the cure rests with the willingness of parents to modify their own attitude and exactions4 ,if the cause is a recreational lack1 new activities1 new scenes and companions1 new interests must be supplied to break up the old associations and supply the needed zest for life4 ,if observation of adult relationships has taken place1 a careful explanation and interpretation of the act of mating is necessary to lift the relationship into its legitimate and acceptable place4 ,the most difficult phase of sex education is the interpretation and guidance of sex activities in childhood4 ,our traditional codes and sanctions have measured their punishments out of all proportion to the offense4 ,in order to meet this type of conduct constructively1 one must avoid severe punishment1 the awakening of a deep sense of guilt1 and set oneself to work out a quiet regimen of rehabilitation4 ,best of all1 one comforts oneself with the knowledge that1 except in cases of psychic trauma1 studies reveal that there is little relationship between early sex play and later delinquency4 ,wise parents of today build a solid foundation for the sexual happiness of their children4 ,no longer do they withhold knowledge of love1 mating1 and the renewal of life4 ,they equip themselves with a thorough understanding of the emotional nature of their children and of the technique of presenting sex instruction4 ,we of this generation are seeing changes in thought and patterns of sex teaching and ethics4 ,codes and sanctions are in transition4 ,it is not that in the years to come we shall have more knowledge or more freedom purely for the sake of knowledge and freedom4 ,it is that we and our children and our children's children1 who are tomorrow's men and women1 shall live with more serenity1 more wisdom1 and more joyousness in their love relationships because of the foundations which we have built4 ,william ,lyon ,phelps ,,chapter ,,ten ,religion in the ,home ,during my forty years of teaching college under-graduates1 if the lesson for the day was pertinent or an occasion afforded the opportunity1 ,i talked to the men in the classroom about their careers--not concerning vocational training2 what ,i emphasized was the right mental attitude toward life itself1 the perhaps inarticulate philosophy underlying all choices and all ambitions4 ,i have always been able to speak more intimately to a group of young people than to an individual4 ,the individual must take the initiative4 ,i believe we have no more right to probe into the secret places of the heart than we have to pick a man's pocket4 ,whenever a student came to me alone and on his own1 then ,i was willing and glad to discuss anything with him4 ,but ,i believe every man's personality is sacred3 an unauthorized or unasked-for attempt to enter it is the worst sort of trespassing4 ,in the classroom anything may be discussed without embarrassment4 ,no teacher ever had a more intimate classroom than mine4 ,for my main interest in literature1 which ,i taught professionally1 is its relation to men and women4 ,browning said his poetry dealt exclusively with the human soul2 and it so happens that four poems of ,tennyson's which1 intentionally or not1 are placed together1 deal with four terrific passions4 ,the poems are ,the ,first ,quarrel1 ,rizpah1 ,the ,northern ,cobbler1 and ,the ,revenge4 ,they deal respectively with sex1 mother love1 drink1 and patriotism4 ,all four have produced happiness1 and all four have produced murder4 ,life is dangerous4 ,students naturally wish to be successful in their chosen careers4 ,i told them the greatest and most important career was marriage2 that1 unlike other careers1 marriage was a career open to every one of them4 ,for among the many and striking differences between male and female we may observe this3 not every woman can be married1 but every man can4 ,there is always some woman who will marry him4 ,the highest happiness known on earth is in marriage4 ,every man who is happily married is a successful man even if he has failed in everything else4 ,and every man whose marriage is a failure is not a successful man even if he has succeeded in everything else4 ,the great ,russian novelist ,turgenev said he would give all his fame and all his genius if there were only one woman who cared whether he came home late to dinner4 ,it would have been well if he had known this when he was young4 ,i told my students3 ,young gentlemen1 although very few of you are now engaged to be married and not one of you is married1 your wives are alive2 they are living now4 ,you do not know their names or where they are2 but isn't it exciting to think that you are every moment drawing nearer to each other8 ,she is half an hour closer to you now than when you entered this classroom4 ,some in ,california are sound asleep1 for it is before dawn2 some are eating breakfast in ,new ,york ,city2 some are eating lunch in ,europe4 ,but all your wives are as real as if they were already living with you4 ,what do you intend to do about it8 ,those preparing for the law or medicine take special studies2 those preparing for athletic contests take special training4 ,if they did not1 they would be idiotic4 ,those who are preparing for marriage should not leave success to chance4 ,for1 while happiness is sometimes dependent on luck1 in the majority of instances it is not2 happiness usually follows the proper conditions4 ,thus boys and girls1 young men and women1 will do well if they train their bodies and their minds to be successful husbands and wives long before marriage4 ,it is worth it2 for they are in training for the highest prize obtainable on earth1 and yet one open to and won by millions4 ,not being a physician and being ignorant of physiology1 ,i know little about the value of sex instruction4 ,yet however important sex instruction may be to those about to be married1 there is one thing more important--character4 ,two people unselfish and considerate1 tactful and warmhearted1 and salted with humor1 who are in love1 have the most essential of all qualifications for a successful marriage--they have character4 ,people about to be married need training in character much more than they need instruction in sex4 ,from childhood boys and girls find out how children come1 but the secret of a good character1 temperament1 and disposition is not so readily found4 ,the reason why character is the most important requisite for success in marriage is not merely that it happens to be the chief cause of happiness1 but that those who have character can turn an unsuccessful marriage into a successful one1 instead of taking the easy way out1 and acknowledging failure4 ,no man or no woman is to blame for making a foolish marriage2 it might happen to anyone4 ,the test of character is not whether one has or has not made a foolish marriage2 the test comes after the foolish marriage has been made4 ,what a triumph then to turn that failure into a success1 as the statesman turns a minority into a majority6 ,this article is addressed to young people1 for those who marry late in life either do not need any suggestions or are already incurable4 ,i am in favor of early marriages4 ,i am delighted when either the boy's parents or those of the girl have money enough so that the young pair can be married at twenty-two1 before they begin professional study or work4 ,and when there is little money but either or both have a job1 then by all means they should be married4 ,when young people marry1 they take difficulties of housekeeping and privations as a lark1 even as young people do camping out4 ,when ,i was a boy1 camping out was absolute bliss2 now it would be absolute horror4 ,furthermore1 in youth neither of them has set2 they can accommodate themselves to each other4 ,the late ,president ,harper of the ,university of ,chicago was married at nineteen--not so young in his case1 for he had already taken his doctor's degree4 ,he told me that during the first five or six years there were times when neither he nor his wife could mail a letter1 because they did not have enough cash to buy one postage stamp4 ,he laughed aloud as he recounted this1 and added1 ,there was never one moment when either of us regretted our marriage4 ,marriage can be wonderful from every point of view when it is a combination of the highest physical delight with the highest spiritual development4 ,it is indeed the sublimation of the senses4 ,the great novelist ,george ,meredith1 who hated priggishness in all its forms1 said in a letter3 ,i have written always with the perception that there is no life but of the spirit2 that the concrete is really the shadowy2 yet that the way to spiritual life lies in the complete unfolding of the creature1 not in the nipping of his passions4 ,an outrage to ,nature helps to extinguish his light4 ,to the flourishing of the spirit1 then1 through the healthy exercise of the senses4 ,could there be a better description of the union of physical and spiritual development in marriage than his phrase the complete unfolding of the creature8 ,to his son ,meredith wrote3 ,look for the truth in everything1 and follow it1 and you will then be living justly before ,god4 ,let nothing flout your sense of a ,supreme ,being1 and be certain that your understanding wavers whenever you chance to doubt that ,he leads to good4 ,we grow to good as surely as the plant grows to the light4 ,do not lose the habit of praying to the unseen ,divinity4 ,prayer for worldly goods is worse than fruitless1 but prayer for strength of soul is that passion of the soul which catches the gift it seeks4 ,what is love8 ,from the age of six or seven on boys and girls fall in love with a good many different persons4 ,but this is not the same thing as married love1 which grows by companionship and by sharing sorrows as well as pleasures4 ,many years ago a college friend of mine1 a splendid fellow with everything to make life worth living1 was married to a fine girl4 ,he died suddenly1 during the first week of the honeymoon4 ,i said to a man of sixty1 ,can anything be more tragic than that8 ,yes1 he replied unhesitatingly1 it is more tragic when the husband or wife dies after twenty-five years of marriage4 ,he was right2 the loss after twenty-five years is more terrible2 and in the instance ,i mentioned the shattered and desolated bride was in two years happily married to a second husband4 ,the overwhelming passion of love is certainly rapture1 and marriage is its most satisfying consummation4 ,but true love is not so expressive in desire for possession as it is in consideration for the welfare of the beloved object4 ,oh1 how ,i love you6 may not mean as much as ,don't go out without your rubbers on4 ,do you remember that passage in ,guy de ,maupassant where the husband said just that to his wife8 ,and they were astounded when the maiden aunt1 who had lived with them for years without a word of dissatisfaction1 who had gone in and out of the room as unremarked as the family cat1 who was thought to be incapable of emotion1 suddenly burst into a storm of weeping and cried1 ,no one has ever cared whether or not ,i had my rubbers on6 ,yet expressions of love and passion1 embraces and caresses1 are also essential4 ,i told my students1 ,after you are married never leave the house1 even if only to post a letter at the corner1 without kissing your wife4 ,this very simple act is a tremendous preservative of married happiness4 ,i also advised them during the first twenty years of marriage to occupy the same bedroom4 ,quarrels and even insults given in the heat of anger are certain to happen in nine marriages out of ten4 ,it is supremely important not to let these flames of resentment become a fatal conflagration4 ,they must not last4 ,never go to sleep with resentment in your hearts4 ,and blessings on the falling out ,that all the more endears1 ,when we fall out with those we love1 ,and kiss again with tears6 ,although happy marriages are common 7unhappy ones are still news71 the only ideal1 flawless marriages ,i ever heard of were those of the ,brownings and the ,hawthornes2 in both instances the husbands were men of genius and the wives positively angelic4 ,since the greatest of all the arts is the art of living together1 and since the highest and most permanent happiness depends on it1 and since the way to practice this art successfully lies through character1 the all-important question is how to obtain character4 ,the surest way is through religion--religion in the home4 ,all that we know for certain of every person is that he is imperfect4 ,human imperfection means a chronic need for improvement4 ,the most tremendous and continuous elevating1 purifying1 strengthening force is religious faith4 ,my parents neglected my social training4 ,i am sorry they did4 ,they were careless about my clothes and my personal appearances4 ,i am sorry for it4 ,but ,i am supremely grateful for their religious and spiritual training4 ,every day of my life ,i am grateful4 ,i would rather belong to the church than belong to any other organization or society or club4 ,i would rather be a church member than receive any honor or decoration in the world4 ,it amuses me when ,i read novels written by those who never had any religious faith or who have lost it1 novels that describe religious training in the home as producing unhappiness and hypocrisy and morbidity1 the atmosphere one of thick gloom4 ,as ,i look back on my childhood1 it seems to me that our house was full of laughter4 ,table conversation was enlivened with mirth4 ,if there ever was a merry household1 it was ours4 ,our daily existence was full of fun1 and ,christmas1 ,new ,years1 ,fourth of ,july1 and birthdays were delirious4 ,this is normal and natural and logical4 ,religious faith is a central heating plant--it warms and energizes one's whole existence4 ,it gives a reason for life itself1 for development4 ,it gives a philosophy for conduct1 and1 far more important1 it emotionalizes conduct even more strongly than athletics and patriotism4 ,of all essential things1 the most essential in married life and in the bringing up of children is religion4 ,when two people are engaged and are making plans for living together1 they are sure to discuss religion4 ,you remember how suddenly ,marguerite turned to ,faust and asked him point-blank1 ,do you believe in ,god8 ,a chief reason why bringing up children is so difficult is that example is so much more important than precept4 ,i am a qualified literary critic1 although ,i never wrote a novel2 ,i am a qualified drama critic1 although ,i never wrote a play2 ,i am a qualified baseball and lawn tennis critic1 although ,i never was a first-class player4 ,but when parents endeavor to bring up children to reflect honor on the family and be useful members of society1 the parents must set a good example4 ,a man once wrote to ,carlyle asking him if he ought to teach his little children to say prayers4 ,the severe ,scot replied3 ,yes1 but only if you pray yourself4 ,don't teach them anything in which you yourself do not believe4 ,the ,scot was right4 ,to teach little children to say their prayers when the parents never say them themselves is like teaching a dog to say his prayers1 a trick that seems to amuse many people4 ,to have little children say grace at the table when no adult in the room has any faith is again only a pretty trick4 ,but to send them to church and ,sunday ,school when the parents stay away is far worse2 it is culpable4 ,then the children regard church-going1 praying1 and religion as one of the innumerable burdens and penalties of childhood1 from which they will escape as soon as they reach independence4 ,when ,overton1 the great ,yale athlete1 who was killed in the war1 left his ,tennessee home to go to college1 his father told him that he would not give him any advice as to morals or behavior2 but1 ,johnny1 will you promise me that you will never go to sleep at night until you have said your prayers8 ,john promised1 and afterward told his father he had kept his word4 ,if both young husband and wife share a similar religious belief1 it is an enormous asset2 and immense help to permanence in married happiness4 ,now1 one cannot believe in ,god and in ,our ,lord merely by wishing to do so4 ,yet ,i often think that many who do not believe do not really wish to with passionate earnestness2 with as strong a wish as they have for money or good looks or popularity4 ,there are many who say and more who think without saying3 ,if ,i only had the faith ,i had as a child6 ,then ,i believed in ,god and in ,jesus ,christ and in ,heaven4 ,one might almost as well say1 ,if ,i only had the knowledge of algebra ,i had as a child6 ,why do small boys and girls know algebra and why in later years do they not know it8 ,because when they were at school1 they gave their attention to it2 they studied it2 they thought about it4 ,but after leaving school they may never have opened an algebra book or considered the subject again4 ,what does one expect8 ,if one expresses regret for the lost faith of childhood1 it is proper to ask3 ,how long is it since you read the ,gospels8 ,how long is it since you prayed8 ,since religious faith is such an asset to happiness1 such a foundation for character and for married life and bringing up children1 one might make an effort to recover it1 or at least to consider it4 ,i believe ,sunday should be a day of joy and happiness4 ,sunday afternoon games and recreation are fine1 but one enjoys them more if one has been to church in the morning or spent part of the day in either solitary or community worship4 ,those parents who selfishly seek only their own pleasures every weekend1 who do nothing but amuse themselves--are they likely to bring up their children successfully8 ,to those who have no faith and to those who have lost it let me recommend some wise words by ,dean ,inge4 ,there are those who are as explosively and suddenly converted as was ,st4 ,paul2 but there are also those who cannot have such an experience2 and many1 many are the ways to ,god4 ,give the matter serious attention2 it deserves it4 ,it is the most serious of all things4 ,being educated means to prefer the best not only to the worst but to the second best4 ,it means in music to prefer ,beethoven not only to jazz but to ,brahms4 ,so it is in all forms of art1 in athletics1 in politics1 in everything4 ,now1 the ,person celebrated in the ,gospels is the greatest ,personality in all history4 ,he knew more about life than ,shakespeare4 ,he was the greatest nerve specialist who ever lived4 ,come unto me 444 and you shall find rest unto your souls4 ,his way is incomparably the best way2 it is the way to peace of mind1 to courage1 independence1 fearlessness1 to joy4 ,if we find faith lacking1 try ,his way4 ,listen to ,dean ,inge2 he is discussing the illumination of the mind that follows recognition of the ,master3 ,this illumination must be earned1 or rather prepared for1 by a strenuous course of moral discipline4 ,the religious life begins with ,faith1 which has been defined 444 as the resolution to stand or fall by the noblest hypothesis4 ,this venture of the will and conscience progressively verifies itself as we progress on the upward path4 ,that which began as an experiment ends as an experience4 ,we become accustomed to breathe the atmosphere of the spiritual world4 ,young people about to be married1 young people recently married1 young fathers and mothers1 should give religion the most serious consideration4 ,to neglect it1 to be indifferent to it1 is worse and more foolish than to be antagonistic4 ,religion is not a frill or an ornament or a luxury2 still less is it a thing to clutch at only in danger or in heartbreak4 ,religion is the greatest creative force in the world2 it has made thousands of saints and thousands of heroes2 it has revolutionized innumerable individual lives4 ,it has changed people from selfishness to unselfishness2 from cowardice to courage2 from despair to hope2 from vulgarity to decency2 from barrenness of life to fruitfulness4 ,when religion can change the lives of millions1 when it can produce supreme creations in art1 it is a force worth serious consideration4 ,religious faith has produced the finest architecture1 the finest painting1 the finest music1 the finest literature in the world4 ,the late ,john ,philip ,sousa1 the famous composer and bandmaster1 said that the reason why there was not so much great music produced in the twentieth as in the nineteenth century was that religious faith had declined4 ,according to him1 creation is based on faith4 ,this may be claiming too much1 but his testimony as a composer is interesting4 ,the ,american philosopher ,paul ,elmer ,more1 who died in #aicg1 and who was one of the most profound scholars in the world1 after prolonged thought and study and observation1 came from agnosticism into a complete and passionate faith in the ,christian religion and in the incarnation4 ,he said that while love was the main principle in religion as a way of life1 the most important contribution to humanity made by religion was hope4 ,hope in the destiny of man1 in the superlative value of the individual1 in the ,personality of our ,father in ,heaven4 ,i might add that if hope deferred maketh the heart sick1 hope destroyed maketh the heart dead4 ,the most unfair1 last word to describe religious faith is the word anesthetic4 ,religious faith is a comfort to the old1 the sick1 and the suffering2 but in general it is not a sedative1 it is a tonic4 ,it is a dynamo2 it is a driving force4 ,henry ,drummond1 the most effective speaker on religion ,i can remember1 said to a group of students3 ,i ask you to become ,christians not because you may die tonight but because you are going to live tomorrow4 ,i come not to save your souls1 but to save your lives4 ,religion adds an enormous zest to daily life2 it makes everything interesting4 ,it keeps alive the capacity of wonder4 ,i myself am interested in everything in the world1 from a sandlot ball game to the nebula in ,orion4 ,the mainspring of my existence1 the foundation of my happy and exciting life1 is ,christian faith4 ,i suggest to those recently married and those about to be married that they are entering into a relationship that can bring them the highest and most lasting happiness or the most crushing disillusion and despair4 ,such a relationship is particularly remarkable because of its intimacy1 an intimacy far transcending that of friendship1 love of parents1 or any earthly emotion4 ,as ,thomas ,hardy said1 marriage annihilates reserve4 ,in this amazing intimacy every care should be taken to insure success4 ,a common interest in religion1 saying prayers together1 will help enormously toward increasing and preserving happiness4 ,for a true belief in the ,christian religion will improve daily manners4 ,husband and wife will not take each other for granted2 they will not become stodgy or commonplace or stereotyped4 ,tennyson gave in ,the ,princess the real kind of marriage which one of my students described in the vernacular3 ,i am going to be married4 ,it won't be much of a wedding1 but it will be a wonderful marriage4 ,listen to ,tennyson3 ,for woman is not undevelopt man1 ,but diverse4 ,could we make her as the man1 ,sweet ,love were slain2 his dearest bond is this1 ,not like to like1 but like in difference4 ,yet in the long years liker must they grow2 ,the man be more of woman1 she of man2 ,he gain in sweetness and in moral height1 ,nor lose the wrestling thews that throw the world2 ,she mental breadth1 nor fail in childward care1 ,nor lose the childlike in the larger mind2 ,till at the last she set herself to man1 ,like perfect music unto noble words4 ,a wife may be a civilizing force2 this is well4 ,but she may be far more than that4 ,she may be a revelation in daily intimacy more unconsciously impressive than a professional saint4 ,this is what ,caponsacchi said of an imagined union with ,pompilia1 in ,browning's ,the ,ring and the ,book3 ,to live1 and see her learn1 and learn by her1 ,out of the low obscure and petty world-- ,or only see one purpose and one will ,evolve themselves i' the world1 change wrong to right2 ,to have to do with nothing but the true1 ,the good1 the eternal--and these1 not alone ,in the main current of the general life1 ,but small experiences of every day1 ,concerns of the particular hearth and home3 ,to learn not only by a comet's rush ,but a rose's birth1 not by the grandeur1 ,god1 ,but the comfort1 ,christ4 ,stanley ,g4 ,dickinson ,,chapter ,,eleven ,it ,pays to be ,happily ,married ,business believe that the happily married man will occupy a bigger position in the business world than will the man who is unhappy at home4 ,the young men and young women in ,good ,housekeeping's marriage-relations course have a right to know this1 to know precisely the interest which business has in harmonious marriage and the extent to which home life is a factor when men are considered for promotion1 employment1 or transfer--any one of which means more income1 more responsibility1 and an opportunity to live more fully4 ,business might very logically take another view4 ,it might believe that the single man is the better employee1 because single men are free to travel1 are not burdened with the expenses of a family1 do not run the risk of going home to trouble4 ,it might believe that the home experiences and environment of the people it hires are not its concern4 ,but business is concerned with these aspects and young people should know in what way and why4 ,while business negotiates with the husband1 it has long since learned that both husband and wife are entitled to consideration whenever one is being employed or promoted4 ,the more important the job1 the more important it becomes to determine whether husband and wife have tried to keep pace with each other1 or whether there is discord at home4 ,business can afford to place responsibility upon the mentally capable1 energetic1 and tactful man if his marriage relations are harmonious4 ,it cannot afford to gamble with the man who is in trouble at home--not necessarily vicious trouble1 but trouble arising from carelessness1 maladjustment1 and misunderstanding4 ,as a business consultant advising corporations upon their major objectives and policies1 ,i attend several times each week conferences during which men are discussed for promotion1 transfer to new work or new territory1 salary adjustments1 and sometimes demotion4 ,the business consultant prefers to limit his counsel to such objective matters as plans and operating policies1 but this cannot be done actually1 because all business situations must be resolved into the persons in them4 ,hence our discussion is necessarily devoted to men--to what we can do to make them more effective1 to how soon we can promote them safely1 to how much responsibility they can assume1 to what they are best fitted for doing1 and the like4 ,during the past fifteen years1 ,i have discussed such lowly functions as clerkships at #he a month and such exalted positions as vice-presidencies at #bj1jjj1 with the average running between #djjj and #aj1jjj a year4 ,the judgment of executives is not infallible1 and some of the men we pick are unable to measure up to the increased load we place upon them4 ,we try to analyze these failures even more carefully than we analyze the successes4 ,here is what we find3 in the majority of instances1 men do not fail because they do not know enough1 or because they are lazy2 they fail because business cannot always depend upon them--they break at the wrong times4 ,we can find men who know their work and who are capable of learning the requirements of a better job4 ,we can find plenty of men who are willing to work1 and who will work even harder for the promise of a better job in the future4 ,but we cannot find enough men whose emotional mechanism is dependable--at least not in sufficient numbers to carry on the responsibilities which business would like to place upon them4 ,peculiarly enough1 the results of emotional instability are complex1 but the chief cause may be defined simply3 trouble at home causes more emotional upsets1 more instability in business1 than any other single factor4 ,by the same token1 lack of progress in business causes trouble at home4 ,no home can be run successfully without a degree of financial progress1 and such progress cannot be made--except by a negligible few--without harmony at home4 ,all wives have1 by and large1 an equal stake with their husbands in their husbands' material progress4 ,the increased income is a major consideration1 but it is only the beginning in a chain of useful consequences4 ,business progress means mental growth1 added intelligence to be applied to both working and living4 ,personal growth means a fuller home life1 a finer environment in which to bring up children1 an opportunity to become a respected member of the community4 ,business progress means greater responsibility1 and this breeds the ability to take on still more responsibility1 both at home and in business4 ,progress eventually brings more leisure1 more culture1 and more of the other refinements of living4 ,progress is accelerating1 feeding upon and multiplying itself4 ,no one would deny the truth of all this1 yet only a searching few have actually created at home the degree of harmony which has been the aim of this series in ,good ,housekeeping's course on marriage relations4 ,if effective contributions from home to the consistent progress of breadwinners were universal rather than rare1 half of our troubles in finding men for added responsibility would be over4 ,the majority of men dissipate their energy in wishing and wanting1 but restrict themselves to wishing and wanting the result1 rather than the cause4 ,these insist that they want to better their situations1 but insist also that business is a thing apart1 something to be shut in the office1 something which need not be understood or supported at home1 and certainly something over which a wife at home has little influence4 ,these two points of view are not reconcilable2 hence everyone loses who tries to hold to both at once4 ,if you say to a business executive1 ,business is a thing apart1 he will point out at once that your theory is true only in the least important jobs4 ,the management does not worry much about the home environment of the beginner upon whom no real responsibility rests1 but it frequently goes to unbelievable ends to get its more important employees back onto the track if they have lost their heads over a home problem4 ,again1 business does this for no humanitarian reasons2 it takes this attitude because its employees produce better where there is harmony at home4 ,the capable1 intelligent1 and progressive worker is almost invariably married to a capable1 intelligent1 and progressive woman4 ,each acts and reacts upon the other4 ,men are not so versatile that they can fill #ejjj jobs during the day and then go home to become husbands of #aejj women in the evening4 ,neither are women so versatile that they will remain in contented harmony with husbands who are not their mental equals4 ,some look negatively at the problem1 feeling that ,i could have done better if ,i had had the advantages of so-and-so4 ,the facts are that these envied couples were growing up together1 keeping pace mentally1 long before the promotion came which is given the credit for their present condition4 ,when a wife falls down on her part of the job1 neglecting either harmony or her personal development1 her husband's first natural reaction is to separate his business from his home life--to grit his teeth and go on1 hoping to achieve the impossible4 ,this usually sets up a vicious circle of events4 ,being handicapped in personal effectiveness1 he spends more and more time at business4 ,his home goes to ruin2 he suffers the most dangerous emotional upsets2 his work fails1 and conditions get worse and worse4 ,he breaks1 in short1 at the wrong time--a time inconvenient to business1 to put it brutally4 ,it is dangerous to generalize here1 because there is a fine distinction between harmony at home and bringing business into the home4 ,hasty thinking is likely to confuse the two4 ,the man who takes petty troubles of the routine day home to his wife is a weakling1 and business cannot consider him for increased responsibility4 ,the husband who takes none of his problems home is frequently a mystery to his wife1 but he probably feels that she is not sufficiently informed to be useful in helping him make decisions on purely business issues4 ,wives sometimes rebel against this1 because they do not make the essential distinction between respect for them as individuals and respect for their information about a specific business question4 ,the soundness of the belief that wives have a specific and clearly defined responsibility here is verified by the fact that husbands want1 and business demands1 one and the same thing4 ,the approach is different1 because the husbands of ,america are asking primarily for harmony at home1 while business is looking for an efficient producer2 yet they both are seeking the same thing4 ,the husband asks his wife for harmony at home and a progressive instinct so that she will grow concurrently with him4 ,business1 when evaluating men for promotion1 asks whether there is harmony at home so that this man will be free from the greatest single source of emotional unbalance1 and whether this man and his wife have demonstrated the ability to grow in the past--the best available indication of their ability to grow in the future4 ,these two questions take in a lot of territory1 but the ground must be covered so long as business1 in effect1 employs or promotes both husband and wife4 ,do not be misled for a moment respecting the importance of these two points merely because businessmen do not talk a lot about them4 ,their sense of good taste makes them hesitate to inquire bluntly into so personal a problem1 and so their investigations are conducted quietly4 ,numerous confidential sources of information are used1 and superiors take their own means to meet husband and wife together1 generally under some casual pretext4 ,if we could look behind the scenes1 we would find that emotional stability--that elusive product of a satisfactory home environment--is regarded just as highly as knowledge1 experience1 or any of the other orthodox considerations4 ,we would find executives saying1 ,we can count on ,jones for ,chicago now that we have seen his wife and determined to our satisfaction that she will measure up to the promotion or ,it's too bad we can't give this job to ,smith1 but you know how hard it is to succeed without support from home4 ,another would be saying1 ,brown flew off the handle again yesterday2 it must have started at the breakfast table4 ,wives1 if you can be the ,mrs4 ,jones of these examples1 and avoid being the ,mrs4 ,smith or the ,mrs4 ,brown1 you will be removing for businessmen the greatest hurdle to promotion which we encounter4 ,you will be doing your part as the wife of a man in business4 ,you may determine the extent to which you are doing these things now by testing yourself in the light of these ten questions3 #a4 ,did my husband start for work this morning in a better frame of mind for having married me1 or would he have been happier as a single man or married to someone else8 ,remember1 as you ask this question and apply your own answer1 that we are talking about business2 hard1 practical business where intentions do not count4 ,you may love your husband dearly1 but if the results of your love are not constructive1 you must write the word ,,failure across the record4 #b4 ,do ,i always treat my job just as seriously as if ,i were working in an office for a monthly salary8 ,some wives feel that it makes no difference if they linger so long over bridge or cocktails or shopping or whatever in the afternoon that they are unable to prepare a suitable meal for their husbands in the evening4 #c4 ,have ,i grown in poise and interests like the wives of my husband's associates and superiors8 ,wives who keep up with the procession are an asset2 those who fail to grow are a liability4 #d4 ,can ,i talk in the same terms as his associates and their wives8 ,this indicates how carefully you have maintained your interest in the source of your income1 and how accustomed you are to expressing yourself4 #e4 ,do ,i dress and act like the wives of the business associates and superiors of my husband8 ,you place a heavy handicap upon your effectiveness if your husband cannot be proud of you in the inevitable comparisons with other wives in his organization4 #f4 ,do ,i entertain with reasonable frequency the people who are in a position to help my husband in business1 or is our social life planned wholly for my own amusement8 ,perhaps this question should read1 ,how long since ,i have entertained ,so-and-,so8 ,you may be surprised to find that months have slipped away without your having done a single stroke of good for your husband socially4 #g4 ,do ,i limit our social engagements during the week to those which will not take essential energy from the job1 or do ,i feel that my husband owes me constant amusement when he is not actually at the office8 ,as employers pile responsibility upon your husband1 more and more care must be used in the allocation of time to social affairs4 ,you may be able to rest the next day1 but business does not permit husbands to rest on the job4 #h4 ,do ,i act as a balance wheel1 cheering him intelligently when he is tired or discouraged1 or do ,i rub him the wrong way on such occasions8 ,if your husband does not share with you his disappointments1 it is almost invariably because you have not qualified yourself to share them4 #i4 ,do ,i try to smooth things out after unpleasant discussions--as ,i would if a new dress or theatre party were at stake8 ,many married persons have an uncanny capacity for making miserable the objects of their affection4 ,it is said that the course of true love never did run smooth1 but the wise husband or wife will not unnecessarily roughen it4 #aj4 ,do ,i carry my share of responsibility1 or do ,i save up all the petty annoyances for our dinner-table conversation8 ,wives who complain that their husbands are silent during dinner have usually good reason to overhaul the quality of their own conversation4 ,don't bore him with your fight with the grocer or the catty things ,mrs4 ,x said at bridge or afternoon tea4 ,here are some actual examples of the way wives affect their husband's business3 ,we selected ,blake for a branch managership at ,chicago1 and we thought that his wife could measure up4 ,we took him out of a job where he had reached his limit and placed him in one where his developed ability might enable him to earn twice his salary4 ,he failed4 ,we who appointed this man took the blame for his failure1 because business recognizes no alibis4 ,as usual1 it wasn't that he didn't want to be a branch manager1 or that he didn't know enough1 or that he wasn't willing to work hard enough4 ,we found that the trouble was within his emotional mechanism4 ,he was losing his head and his temper at the wrong times4 ,at last he wrote to his firm3 ,this town takes the heart out of my wife4 ,she is terribly lonesome1 refuses to make new friends1 and reminds me continually of the good times we used to have back home4 ,her mother misses her and threatens to come to live with us here4 ,i appreciate this opportunity1 and ,i know that we have more of everything here than we had back home1 but ,i want my old job back4 ,i can't stand it here4 ,business doesn't work that way1 and so we persuaded another employer to hire him away without his knowledge1 thus saving his face and helping to maintain his courage4 ,he would have been branded for life if we had permitted him to crawl back to his old job4 ,blake will never go as far as he is entitled to go1 because ,mrs4 ,blake places her own feelings above any other consideration1 and her husband is not strong enough to control his emotions where his wife is concerned4 ,few men are4 ,we do not in any way blame ,mrs4 ,blake for the part she played in her husband's failure4 ,she merely attaches more value to staying in her old groove1 in the constant companionship of her mother1 and in the regular contact with old friends than she attaches to promotion for her husband4 ,we have no quarrel with her choice1 if only she realizes that she has chosen something for herself1 and is now living under conditions dictated by her own choice4 ,take ,smith4 ,in the language of business he is a whipped puppy4 ,again1 there is no question of his ability1 his desires1 or his willingness to work4 ,we have1 in a certain corporation1 a job for ,smith which would mean a #ej percent increase in salary1 a place of notice in the community1 and a wider acquaintance among substantial people4 ,we have considered him for this job a dozen times1 but each time we have decided to postpone action1 because we are afraid of the influence of his wife4 ,on his present job1 it does no great damage for her to be so possessive1 demanding all his time outside of office hours1 ordering him around like a child4 ,on the new job1 such a performance would ruin him before he was fairly started4 ,dare we depend on her ability and willingness to grow quickly into the person she would have been training to become8 ,we dare not1 for we are held responsible for results6 ,just as ,i thought1 some will say1 business is inhuman4 ,one who takes this attitude has an incomplete view of the facts4 ,if business were to tolerate a repetition of mistakes1 its general level of productivity--which1 in turn1 means income to its employees--would be lowered immediately4 ,this would operate against the very thing we are trying to sponsor--increased responsibility and more full living for all as soon as they earn it4 ,this point of view frequently gives women no end of mental trouble1 because they are more inclined than men to think subjectively rather than objectively4 ,business employs a man for what he can produce1 other things being equal4 ,so long as he is morally sound and honest1 business cares little about his attitudes on other subjects4 ,wives measure their husbands by their helping with the housework or their thoughtfulness in little things around the home2 all of these have their value1 but not in the scale of production on the job4 ,sentiment counts heavily with the feminine mind1 as it should1 whereas business is more realistic4 ,business buys results rather than intentions4 ,business did not have an inherent desire to consider marriage relations4 ,its interest in them began with the many examples of maladjustment to which it was compelled to give attention1 in line with its age-old policy of believing that everything is all right until it is proved otherwise4 ,when the negative consequences were brought to light1 and business really became interested1 a constructive attitude was developed which gained its momentum from the countless examples where wives have been major reasons for the success of their husbands4 ,fortunately for every failure there are a dozen successes4 ,the ,mortons1 for example1 are a couple who have found that it pays to live both harmoniously and progressively at home4 ,mary ,morton is a convert to the constructive attitudes brought out by the ten questions outlined earlier4 ,they have made it a custom to entertain at least one evening a week1 always having in mind that certain people can be both good company and helpful in business4 ,they try to reach up rather than down in the people with whom they mingle4 ,when they were to be transferred to another city1 the news was broken to them together in their home by a superior4 ,mary's first and genuine reaction was1 ,it will be fine to make new friends and to have the children see a new part of the country4 ,when they arrived at the new city1 the old process1 so successful in their home town1 was begun again--new friends1 new interests1 new growth4 ,if they were ever homesick1 the firm never found it out2 but ,i am inclined to believe that they were too busy on constructive matters to get homesick4 ,morton's salary is three times what it was ten years ago1 and most of the credit goes to his wife4 ,likewise she is the chief beneficiary4 ,another illustration of the extent to which business recognizes the principle of harmonious development of both husband and wife is shown by the experience of ,parsons4 ,he was a junior executive1 capable in every direction but one4 ,when a vacancy occurred higher up1 he was the logical candidate2 but the president of the company refused to promote him until he had had a chance to demonstrate his ability to meet the social requirements of his position4 ,he conceded ,parsons' brilliance1 his energy1 and everything but his capacity to become genuinely interested in the people who were both above and beneath him in the organization4 ,inquiry revealed that he was making the best of a situation in which neither he nor his wife had realized the importance of social activity4 ,bear in mind that we do not mean a playboy temperament or a mercenary attitude1 but rather a genuineness in human contacts4 ,when the problem was laid before them1 a program was laid out for them to follow4 ,parsons and his wife called on everyone they felt should not be neglected1 later inviting to their own home those who seemed in a position to help them4 ,during these second visits1 the conversation was turned to what might be done by people like ourselves to prevent getting into a rut4 ,dozens of helpful activities were recommended1 and they made it a business to explore the most valuable1 so that they could tell others about forthcoming meetings of discussion groups1 plays1 lectures1 and the like4 ,within six months1 they had entirely overcome the president's objection1 and a year later ,parsons was promoted to the other position at a #bjjj increase in salary4 ,two facts will occur immediately to anyone who is an intelligent observer of such things3 first1 ,parsons and his wife had a better time after the change than before2 and second1 business expects people to discover these things for themselves4 ,this couple were more than usually fortunate to be led by the hand up to this new experience4 ,business gave ,parsons his chance when it permitted him to demonstrate his ability4 ,quick jumps in business are not made available to people upon the basis of their belief that they can qualify4 ,business would be guilty of rash speculation with its funds if positions were given to any except those who had demonstrated their qualifications in advance4 ,business has no time for or patience with those who do not recognize the importance of these things4 ,we have no license to give responsibility to those who say3 ,i didn't know that this was important4 ,give me a trial1 and ,i will do my best to learn quickly4 ,the answer to that is3 ,we have another man who has been qualifying for many years4 ,he saw the place of these things in business progress4 ,we'll risk our money on him4 ,when a young man brings to business a reasonable amount of ability and energy1 reinforced by the emotional balance which comes from the right kind of home life1 he is likely to surpass both his own expectations and those of his employers4 ,business wants him to succeed4 ,business wonders1 as a matter of fact1 why more people do not succeed1 with the incentives for success so generally open to public view4 ,it realizes1 just as you will realize when you analyze the situation1 that the incentives have been understood1 but the ways and means have been missing4 ,this is a common mistake in human progress4 ,we have all erred in making someone else want something1 thinking that the process of arousing desire would insure intelligent action4 ,most humans realize that they lack the ways and means1 a realization which accounts for the interest shown everywhere in better marriage relations and in the methods for achieving them4 ,the desire to succeed is not enough4 ,desire has its place1 however1 once the ways and means are understood1 because strong desire sustains interest in the ways and means4 ,does this seem an idle theory8 ,not to business1 the instrument through which most men and women work out their economic security4 ,business says3 you must show us harmony at home and mental growth before we will believe that you are a safe candidate for promotion4 ,give us these along with the ability you have always brought us1 and we will make it worth your while4 ,we will increase your salaries4 ,we will put you into jobs where you may live in better neighborhoods1 mingle with more capable people in business and at home1 give your children advantages you may never have had1 and provide you with all the creature comforts for successful living1 a base upon which you must build your own philosophy of happiness1 but without which no genuine happiness is probable4 ,being composed of realists1 business does not paint these rewards in glowing colors4 ,it merely says1 without question or qualification1 the happily married man will occupy a bigger position with us than the man who is unhappy at home4 ,ernest ,r4 and ,gladys ,h4 ,groves ,,chapter ,,twelve ,the ,case for ,monogamy ,if we put off examining the case for monogamy until we had personal questions about it1 most of us would never get around to studying it4 ,for most people no more doubt that monogamy is the best possible program than that good health is better than bad4 ,to argue such a matter seems strange4 ,but there is much loose talk about on the other side of the case1 crying up the non-monogamous program practiced by a few and publicized by more4 ,the adherents of this group are so vocal that their ideas are constantly being aired4 ,knowing themselves a small minority1 with the burden of proof against them1 they excitedly attack the existing order4 ,their arguments are likely to interest the average person1 however1 only when he or she is momentarily thrown off balance by an emotional upheaval of one sort or another4 ,and right there is the danger4 ,it is hard for anyone--particularly a young person--to make a rational decision when his thinking is colored by his emotions2 his tendency is to use his intellectual processes merely to justify what he wants to do at the moment1 and not to search out the truth4 ,if he is unprepared for the anti-monogamy arguments ready and waiting for him1 he is likely to accept them without question4 ,before we have occasion to doubt it1 therefore1 those of us who take monogamy as a matter of course should understand why we do1 and what its significance is to us4 ,then1 if ever the occasion does arise1 we shall be better able to let our minds1 not our passions1 decide the issue for our greater happiness4 ,the question is shall ,i1 having given myself to one man or one woman1 abide by the till-death-do-us-part vow1 or shall ,i be free to change partners at will8 ,the natural mood of most men and women entering marriage is deeply monogamous4 ,the one thing husband and wife crave is to depend only on each other forever4 ,yet later on some of them will suddenly desert the standards of monogamy without giving themselves time to think1 and others will pass through a period of turmoil before making up their minds to go or to stay4 ,what has happened in the marriage experience to change these individuals who were strong for monogamy into men and women either dead set against it or very doubtful about it8 ,the answer lies both in the particular temperament of the persons concerned and in certain characteristic features of the early1 middle1 and later stages in married life4 ,sometimes a young man or woman bolts from the tenets of monogamy in a late-adolescent panic when marriage responsibilities begin to be irksome4 ,sometimes it is the older man or woman who married in good faith only to lose sight of the values of monogamy4 ,not having the backbone to accept what comes and do something about it1 this type of person wants to give up as soon as the going gets rough1 and daydreams about making a better start elsewhere4 ,what are the parts of the marriage experience that bring out this disposition of wanting to run away in order to try again8 ,the romantic love that marks the early part of marriage is a characteristically youthful attitude4 ,each spouse idealizes the other and pictures their life together as something almost unique in its perfection4 ,stimulated by the mate's expectations1 each one rises about his or her previous habits of behavior1 and for a while the two seem indeed to be finer and better than the general run of humankind4 ,in time the first flush of enthusiasm wears off1 and the husband and wife gradually get to see each other more nearly as other people see them4 ,for those who flinch from reality1 this is as bitter an experience as any of the other hard parts of growing up4 ,for nobody is it easy4 ,but for all who face it squarely1 it is a big step toward emotional maturity4 ,without hastening the process1 and thereby losing most of its benefits1 one can learn to accept it little by little1 as it comes4 ,the wife who seemed the most beautiful or most gracious woman imaginable1 the husband who was looked upon as the strongest or cleverest man in the world1 slowly loses this impossible glamour and shrinks to the life size proportions of a real man or woman4 ,when one catches a glimpse of oneself in the estimation of the newly married spouse1 and realizes how far the idealized picture is from the somber reality one has grown up with1 it is easy to think1 ,i am made different by this love that expects so much of me1 and if ,i am not yet quite so wonderful as my beloved thinks me1 ,i shall soon become so1 for this expectation spurs me to hitherto unimaginable efforts4 ,something of this improvement does take place--but then1 to the chagrin of the one trying to improve1 it becomes increasingly clear that the original expectations of the mate are being lowered in the direction of one's actual present level of attainment4 ,surprisingly enough1 by the time one is sure of this1 it is not disturbing in the way one would have expected1 for one's own impression of the mate is also coming down to earth4 ,at first this descent from the clouds of fanciful exaggeration of the loved one to the lesser status of everyday life seems more or less tragic1 as both fear that the supreme quality of their marriage is vanishing4 ,the more a couple have been lifted up by their romantic attachment for each other1 the more they can be hurt when the wearing out of its unreal element drops them to earth again4 ,the ones who are stouthearted enough to count their own hurt a small matter1 if they can still help the partner to have something to look forward to beyond the present difficulties1 are matured by this part of their marriage experience1 and later come to look back on what went before as a dreamlike time when they lived on nothing more substantial than hopes4 ,this is the testing period of the marriage4 ,each partner must continually get used to the new outline of the other's personality as it is showing itself1 without losing sight of the value of the essential quality that persists4 ,of one thing both can be sure3 each still has need of the other4 ,in today's mail comes a letter from a businessman who admits that he had got out of the habit of showing his wife how he felt about her in the rush and worry of trying to keep his head above water financially4 ,now that she in her loneliness has lost her heart to another man1 the husband almost breaks into poetry in telling of his feelings4 ,not vindictive1 he is just hopeless4 ,if the wife could have had imagination enough to realize the strength of his need of her1 she would never have wrapped herself in loneliness away from him4 ,the drop from the temporary bliss of the beginning of love to the lasting burden-sharing of the rest of life offers many a chance for hurt feelings4 ,those who lose confidence in their own or their partner's ability to keep on trying to live together on a reality basis are generally the ones who want to keep one foot in the dreamland of immaturity4 ,if he drinks and she sulks1 both would rather think themselves martyrs and talk over their troubles with sympathetic friends than get down to business and do something about their problems4 ,quarrels are intense in proportion to the depth of tender emotion in the background4 ,not understanding what is happening to them1 the husband and wife think it is the end of love1 and he may be tempted to accept comfort from another woman1 she from another man4 ,then they need desperately to know1 ,what is the case for monogamy8 ,history shows that monogamy has always been accompanied by increasing vigor in the society or group practicing it1 and that its opposite--freedom from social restraint in the relationships of men and women--has always been associated with social or group decay4 ,but modern young people are interested in the meaning of monogamy for them personally4 ,monogamy is a going on in the healthy spirit of meeting what life brings1 not running away from it4 ,escape into a substitute relationship is a going back to the dreamlike stage of late adolescence1 putting new promises ahead of present performance1 and attempting to make life stand still1 so that one may continue on the threshold of maturity without ever stepping over into the place where one must make good one's promises4 ,no human craving1 from infancy to death1 is stronger than that for security of affection4 ,what misleads people into thinking of going outside their marriage association1 or wanting to break it for a new one1 is their failure to understand the slow growth of permanent affection4 ,looking back at the intensity of its beginning in romantic love1 they suppose it is dwindling1 when it is really taking root4 ,as a child that has been spoiled at home has a hard time getting used to the lesser attention he receives away from home1 the married person who believes that courtship love is the essence of marriage finds it hard to come down to the quieter affection that can endure4 ,this is the person who1 unable to stand being valued only for his or her real worth1 complains to an outsider1 ,nobody understands me4 ,the outsider1 flattered1 murmurs1 ,i do1 and romanticizes about this fine1 unappreciated person1 only to discover when it is too late that the person was only too well understood by the unfortunate first partner4 ,one may not be able to make oneself grow up suddenly and all at once1 but one can hold on to the principles one knows to be worth fighting for1 by the simple process of refusing to let go4 ,all kinds of wonderful qualities needed in marriage may seem to be conspicuous in oneself chiefly by their absence1 but one can always play for time4 ,even if infatuated with another person1 one can hang on to what one knows is right until ,time1 the mighty leveler of passion1 comes to one's help4 ,an exceptionally happy married woman1 after going through this ordeal1 said that at the time when she was almost carried away by an unexpected infatuation for a business associate of her husband's1 it seemed as if nothing was real but the lover4 ,neither the memory of past happiness with the husband nor the thought of his future misery if she should leave him was able to mean more to her than so many words4 ,only1 in her half-stupefied condition1 she had the wit to remember1 as one might recall the multiplication table without caring anything about it1 that she had always previously despised people who acted on impulse without trying to find out the probable consequences4 ,therefore she stuck to her self-imposed rule that she would have no contact with the man1 even by letter1 until she could get over the strange numbness of her emotions toward her husband4 ,then1 gradually but thoroughly1 she came out of her trancelike infatuation1 until she found it hard to remember that it had ever happened4 ,the time to put on the brakes in checking runaway emotions is before they gain momentum4 ,while the feelings aroused still seem harmless1 the person can redirect his or her energy toward a more desirable object such as finding new grounds of communion with the spouse or sublimating its expression by turning it into constructive artistic or social channels4 ,to wait until disaster threatens before taking oneself in hand is to pile up1 at best1 a guilty feeling that one has not done one's best to meet the needs of the mate4 ,those who step out in the frantic forties and foolish fifties complicate the picture for their younger observers4 ,what they are trying to find is not so much a new thrill as the reliving of an old glow--the hopefulness of their lost youth4 ,not content to live over in memory the high hopes that were theirs when life was new--because of the gap between expectation and realization--they close their eyes to the new disillusionment they are heading for1 and think only to shut out their sense of inadequacy in their present association by steering full steam ahead for another encounter1 in which the odds are even more against them4 ,one may think one doesn't care much about the partner1 one may get tired of listening to the same old jokes1 the same set of worries1 the same reminiscences2 but let there be a misunderstanding1 and one finds that one must care tremendously or one could not be so devastated4 ,no association is so humdrum that it cannot be quickened into life1 no matter how long it has been meagerly taking its course4 ,certain types of people1 whom we might lump together as a restless1 discontented lot1 enjoy shopping around for doctors1 for jobs1 for friends1 for lovers1 never staying long enough with any one doctor1 job1 friend1 or lover to have to take any back talk4 ,as soon as the first signs of a candid relationship appear1 they are off1 bag and baggage1 to newer hunting grounds4 ,we may suspect that what they really want is to outrun their own personality4 ,this appears in their willingness to slough off even their children1 in an adolescent impatience with any barrier to an immediate desire4 ,so contrary is this to nature that regret follows closely their decision4 ,the children1 however1 are laden with a burden put on them by their parents4 ,instead of joyful confidence1 they experience a divided affection4 ,driven to a choice of loyalties or caught between competing rivals who attempt to win their love1 they are thereby denied security1 the one gift every home owes a child4 ,depending as he must upon his parents for this1 it is a shattering experience for him to find that the twofold support of his existence is no longer holding together4 ,he wants and needs not his mother or his father1 nor just his mother and his father1 but his two parents love-linked together as the one source of steadiness in a universe which otherwise is in flux and turmoil4 ,the child who finds his parents have given up trying to maintain their affectionate interdependence is hurt beyond any other hurt that can come to him4 ,precociously matured by being denied that security of encircling affection which is his right1 he is forever cheated of his childhood and therefore can never become fully mature emotionally1 but must have great gaps in what should have been the slow development of his emotions1 before they hardened into adult form4 ,the monogamic fellowship normally encourages the coming of the child4 ,neither husband nor wife can awaken in the other the strong normal urges that come to expression in love fellowship1 without bringing forth the desire that seems rooted in human nature for a child of their own4 ,in any case1 when the child does enter the home1 experience soon makes plain his need of security4 ,where there is no monogamic commitment1 he is forced into family life that is confused1 incomplete1 and uncertain4 ,in such a situation1 open as he is to first impressions1 he suffers most1 and not infrequently so deeply as to carry emotional scars for life4 ,the friend of children recoils from the thought of any sort of transient motherhood or fatherhood4 ,monogamy provides a stable home in which each member--husband1 wife and child--although they are copartners in love1 has an indispensable1 unique1 and satisfying role4 ,monogamy is not a fettering of human impulse1 but a registration of the deepest yearnings of men and women4 ,the laws that define and support it are merely man's efforts to express the common opinion that has taken form out of the experiences through the centuries of a great multitude of persons who1 like ourselves1 have sought success in marriage4 ,those who think of monogamy as something imposed on human nature through external authority1 a sort of strait jacket of emotional restraint1 are obtuse to the overwhelming testimony of human nature4 ,monogamy is not established by a thundering edict from ,mount ,sinai1 but by the quiet1 persistent inward-speaking of human need4 ,the one-man-one-woman craving is so deeply laid in the structure of all of us that any other way of mating and establishing a home is alien to desire1 the thought never arises1 except when the one-time expectations have been lost through personality failure4 ,monogamy is not something that suddenly and finally takes shape1 a petrifying of emotion that for a season in courtship flourishes4 ,it gets its vitality through a growth process1 continues with life1 a spreading of an affection always forward-looking2 anything else is an indication of a faltering marriage4 ,in the beginning love announces the awakening of mutual need4 ,then the feelings flow swift and strong and carry each toward the other4 ,the impulse to possess1 to annex1 to have possession of the beloved1 is a consuming hunger4 ,it is a covetous grasping1 a recognition that the other is indispensable4 ,out of this comes a union1 and from then on1 the two grow not only together1 but also their common fellowship grows1 becoming their way of life4 ,the passion to possess the other one1 who seems external1 fades away1 and in its place comes the joy of mutual sharing1 the security of an exploring fellowship4 ,it is thus that monogamy offers love its fulfillment4 ,there must be this welding of self with self if the emotionally awakened man or woman is to escape loneliness4 ,self-expansion in power1 distinction1 or pleasure does not suffice4 ,any by-oneself fulfillment only brings home the profounder need of a different achievement1 not in separation1 but through union1 the fusion of two persons in a constant intimacy4 ,this growing together comes from no deliberate1 effort-making program4 ,it grows out of the affectionate living together4 ,it is a day-by-day consolidation1 not only of interest or experience1 but of satisfactions4 ,it is this that led ,plato long ago to say that the man or woman apart from the other is incomplete1 a partial person1 hungering for the needed lover4 ,monogamy is1 however1 not a mere getting together2 it is a growing together4 ,it furnishes the opportunity for continued unrivaled intimacy1 and its on-going not only strengthens the life together1 but makes it pregnant with the forces that lead to character growth4 ,monogamy is therefore a preference1 usually so much a matter of course as to seem the natural way of living4 ,this explains its supremacy among the schemes of human mating4 ,it is a product of love ties1 but only as these flourish in a maturing intimacy4 ,it asks no more than that each member of the fellowship grow with the other4 ,monogamy is indeed a test of character1 but not in some extraordinary1 aristocratic way that would put it out of the reach of most of us4 ,although its benefits cannot be had for the mere asking1 it is denied to no one who in sincerity lives in love with the person of his choice4 ,it is an achievement1 but not in the sense that one eventually awakens to discover that he has at last arrived at a monogamic relationship4 ,it is rather a hand-in-hand walking through life of a man and woman1 each having chosen the other and offered his every possession4 ,it as surely adds to character as it demands character4 ,the vitalizing union provides incentives that enrich both character and ambition4 ,the two sharing a common life add more1 do more1 and feel more than each found possible in their one-time isolation4 ,this in turn strengthens the union and makes each more indispensable to the other4 ,they do not attempt to duplicate each other1 but knowing that their love is secure1 each gains through the life contact of the other4 ,it was thus that ,robert and ,elizabeth ,browning each affected the quality of the other's work1 both being able to write deeper and more human poetry as a result of their marriage4 ,it is most important for an understanding of monogamy that it not be thought of as a monotony1 a petering out of the energy of love until the high hopes of the confident lovers disappear in a drab1 toilsome existence4 ,this fading out does come to married people just as it does to those who have never married4 ,rightly used1 however1 monogamic fellowship protects by making adventure in life more zestful because it is shared4 ,however hard and dreary experience becomes1 it is more so if one walks alone and less so if its testing is met by two who travel onward in love4 ,monotony is always a reflection of inner losses4 ,so long as we are alive to what is1 so long as we have the feelings that uncover the zestfulness of things1 we keep out of the desert4 ,monogamy cannot guarantee enthusiastic living1 but undoubtedly1 by encouraging mutual love1 it protects the roots from which most of all each of us draws vitality4 ,when the relationship becomes monotonous1 there is the same confession of failure as when day-by-day happenings grow stale and repellent4 ,the difference is that when love goes1 the fortress has been taken and all life flattens out4 ,the exclusiveness of monogamic fellowship1 the out-coming of the deep hunger for a unique experience in affection1 can be greatly misinterpreted by failing to see that it is human nature's effort to keep to the golden mean as one is driven by tremendous impulses toward the supreme man-woman comradeship4 ,in all such relationships there is on one side the extreme which shows itself when one member of the intimacy crushes and destroys the personality of the other4 ,this eventually spoils the union by making it a conquest of one by the other4 ,the opposite disaster appears when there is no fusion at all but merely an alliance of two independent1 self-centered persons who come together in the spirit of temporary self-interest and refuse to develop a common life4 ,even when they maintain the letter of the monogamic code1 they lose its spirit4 ,in contrast with these unfortunates1 victims of will-to-power and self-centered passion1 those in monogamic fellowship enlarge the life they share4 ,one often notices1 as did ,hudson1 the naturalist1 in his description of the ,english shepherd's home1 that husband and wife reach such understanding that they share feeling without recourse to words2 and gather so much in common that as they travel through the years they do1 indeed1 seem to grow even to look like each other4 ,they winter and summer together1 and when time sends the children to their own adventures1 we hear these life-tested lovers1 hand in hand1 saying3 ,grow old along with me6 ,the best is yet to be1 ,the last of life1 for which the first was made4 ,index ,acquiescence1 #ajb1 #aji ,adjustments1 marital1 #i-aa1 #af1 #ajd-aaj ,adolescence1 #aai1 #aeh ,adopted children1 #id-if ,advancement1 wife's contribution to business1 #adb-aec ,affection1 security of1 #aei ,allowance1 wife's1 #af1 #di ,ambition1 #f1 #afd ,american ,eugenic ,society1 #ij-ia ,antagonism1 emotional1 #ajd-aje ,apartment houses1 #bj-ba ,appearance1 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