,,etiquette ,,by ,,agnes ,h4 ,,morton ,,author ,,of ,,letter ,,writing1 ,,quotations1 ,c4 ,,good ,,manners ,,for ,,all ,,people1 ,,especially ,,for ,,those ,,who ,,dwell ,,within ,,the ,,broad ,,zone ,,of ,,the ,,average 7,,revised ,,edition7 ,,philadelphia ,,the ,,penn ,,publishing ,,company #aiai ,copyright1 #ahib1 ,by the ,penn ,publishing ,company ,contents ,,introduction ,i4 ,,ethics ,,of ,,etiquette ,,ii4 ,,visiting ,,cards ,,the ,,office ,,of ,,the ,,visiting ,,card4 ,,style ,,of ,,cards4 ,,the ,,engraving ,,of ,,visiting ,,cards4-- ,cards for ,men2 ,cards for ,women2 ,cards for ,young ,women2 ,after ,marriage ,cards4 ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,the ,,visiting ,,card4-- ,calling in ,person2 ,card-leaving in ,lieu of ,personal ,calls2 ,cases in which ,personal ,card-leaving is ,required2 ,cards by ,messenger or by ,post2 ,card-leaving by ,proxy4 ,,some ,,further ,,illustrations ,,of ,,card ,,usage4 ,,iii4 ,,ceremonious ,,cards ,,and ,,invitations4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,replies4 ,,the ,,high ,,tea1 ,,or ,,musicale1 ,,etc4 ,,wedding ,,invitations4 ,,dinner ,,invitations4 ,,luncheon ,,and ,,breakfast ,,invitations4 ,,iv4 ,,the ,,conduct ,,of ,a ,,church ,,wedding ,v4 ,,entertaining ,,vi4 ,,afternoon ,,receptions ,,and ,,teas ,,vii4 ,,the ,,dinner ,,service ,,requisites ,,for ,,the ,,dining-,,table4 ,,the ,,formal ,,arrangement ,,of ,,the ,,dinner-,,table4 ,,the ,,arrival ,,of ,,guests1 ,,meanwhile4 ,,the ,,announcement ,,of ,,dinner4 ,,the ,,serving ,,of ,,the ,,dinner4 ,,miscellaneous ,,points4 ,,dinner-,,table ,,talk4 ,,informal ,,dinners4 ,,viii4 ,,luncheons ,,ix4 ,,suppers ,x4 ,,breakfasts ,,xi4 ,,evening ,,parties ,,xii4 ,,the ,,twentieth ,,century ,,xiii4 ,,the ,,stranger ,,that ,,is ,,within ,,thy ,,gates ,,xiv4 ,,make ,,yourself ,,at ,,home ,,xv4 ,,as ,,the ,,twig ,,is ,,bent ,,xvi4 ,,social ,,young ,,america ,,xvii4 ,,the ,,american ,,chaperone ,,xviii4 ,,greetings4 ,,recognitions4 ,,introductions ,,xix4 ,,behavior ,,in ,,public ,,thoroughfares ,,xx4 ,,in ,,public ,,assemblies ,,xxi4 ,,bearing ,,and ,,speech ,,xxii4 ,,self-,,command ,,xxiii4 ,a ,,few ,,points ,,on ,,dress ,,xxiv4 ,,personal ,,habits ,,xxv4 ,,social ,,co-,,operation ,,xxvi4 ,,on ,,the ,,wing ,,xxvii4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,gifts ,,xxviii4 ,,gallantry ,,and ,,coquetry ,,xxix4 ,,in ,,conclusion ,,introduction ,as a rule1 books of etiquette are written from the standpoint of the ultra-fashionable circle4 ,they give large space to the details of behavior on occasions of extreme conventionality1 and describe minutely the conduct proper on state occasions4 ,but the majority in every town and village are people of moderate means and quiet habits of living1 to whom the extreme formalities of the world of fashion will always remain something of an abstraction1 and the knowledge of them is not of much practical use except to the few who are reflective enough to infer their own particular rule from any illustration of the general code4 ,though it is interesting as a matter of information to know how a state dinner is conducted1 still1 as a matter of fact1 the dinners usually given within this broad zone of the average are served without the assistance of butler1 footman1 or florist2 innocent of wines and minus the more elaborate and expensive courses2 and though served a la ,russe the service is under the watchful supervision of the hostess herself and executed by the more or less skillful hand of a demure maid-servant4 ,yet1 in all essential points1 the laws of etiquette controlling the conduct of this simple dinner of the ,american democrat are the same as those observed in the ceremonious banquet of the ambitious aristocrat4 ,the degree of formality varies2 the quality of courtesy is unchanging4 ,well-mannered people are those who are at all times thoughtfully observant of little proprieties ,such people do not forget their manners when away from home4 ,they eat at the hotel table as daintily and with as polite regard for the comfort of their nearest neighbor as though they were among critical acquaintances4 ,they never elbow mercilessly through crowded theatre aisles1 nor stand up in front of others to see the pictures of a panorama1 nor allow their children to climb upon the car seats with muddy or rough-nailed shoes2 nor do a score of other things that every day are to be observed in public places1 the mortifying tell-tale marks of an habitual ill-manners4 ,the importance of constant attention to points of etiquette cannot be too earnestly emphasized4 ,the long lecture of instruction to the little ,ruggles'1 preparatory to their visit to the ,birds1 is a comical--if burlesque--illustration of the emergency that sometimes faces some people1 that of suddenly preparing to behave themselves on a great occasion4 ,although the little ,ruggles' were fired with ambition to do themselves credit1 their crude preparation was not equal to the occasion4 ,the best of intentions could not at once take the place of established custom4 ,one might as well hastily wrap himself in a yard or two of uncut broadcloth expecting it to be transformed1 by instant miracle1 into a coat4 ,the garment must be cut and fitted1 and adjusted and worn for a space of time before it can become the well-fitting habit1 worn with the easy grace of unconsciousness which marks the habitually well-mannered4 ,in this brief volume ,i have endeavored to suggest some of the fundamental laws of good behavior in every-day life4 ,it is hoped that the conclusions reached1 while not claiming to be either exhaustive or infallible1 may be useful as far as they go4 ,where authorities differ as to forms ,i have stated the rule which has the most widespread sanction of good usage4 ,,etiquette ,,ethics ,,of ,,etiquette ,etiquette is the term applied to correct behavior in social life1 and refers to the manner of actions and the expression of a proper social spirit through the medium of established forms and ceremonies4 ,polite usage recognizes certain minute distinctions between the mannerly and the unmannerly ways of performing every act of life that affects the comfort and happiness of others4 ,by one whose experience in life has been a hardening process tending in the direction of a crystallized selfishness the rules of etiquette are regarded with contempt and alluded to with a sneer4 ,no more disheartening problem faces the social reformer than the question how to overcome the bitter hostility to refined manners which marks the ignorant lower classes4 ,on the other hand1 there is no more hopeful sign of progress in civilization than the gradual softening of these hard natures under the influence of social amenities4 ,the secret of successful missionary work lies primarily1 not in tracts1 nor in dogmas1 nor in exhortations1 but in the subtle attraction of a refined1 benevolent spirit1 breathing its very self into the lives of those who have hitherto known only the rasping1 grasping selfishness of their fellow-men1 and to whom this new gospel of brotherly kindness and deference is a marvelous revelation and inspiration4 ,the result of such missionary work is a triumph of sanctified courtesy1 a triumph not unworthy the disciples of ,him who went about doing good while teaching and exemplifying the golden rule upon which all rules of etiquette1 however worldly1 are based4 ,perhaps it may sometimes seem that there is little relation1 possibly even some antagonism1 between the sincerity of perfect courtesy and the proprieties of formal etiquette4 ,at times etiquette requires us to do things that are not agreeable to our selfish impulses1 and to say things that are not literally true if our secret feelings were known4 ,but there is no instance wherein the laws of etiquette need transgress the law of sincerity when the ultimate purpose of each action is to develop and sustain social harmony4 ,sometimes1 for example1 we invite people to visit us1 and we pay visits in return1 when both occasions are1 on the face of it1 a bore4 ,yet there may be good reasons why we should sacrifice any mere impulse of choice and exert ourselves to manifest a hospitable spirit toward certain people who are most uncongenial to us4 ,sometimes for the sake of another who is dear to us1 and who1 in turn1 is attached to these same unattractive people1 we make the third line of the triangle cheerfully1 and even gladly1 no matter how onerous the task1 how distasteful the association forced upon us4 ,these are not happy experiences1 but they are tests of character that we are all liable to meet and which prove a most excellent discipline if they are met with discretion and patience4 ,moreover1 in the conscientious effort to be agreeable to disagreeable people we are tacitly trying to persuade ourselves that they are not so disagreeable after all1 and indeed such is our surprising discovery in many instances4 ,let us hope that others who exercise a similar forbearance toward ourselves are equally flattering in the conclusions which they reach4 ,etiquette requires that we shall treat all people with equal courtesy1 given the same conditions4 ,it has a tendency to ignore the individuality of people4 ,we may not slight one man simply because we do not like him1 nor may we publicly exhibit extreme preference for the one whom we do like4 ,in both cases the rebel against the restraints of social mice shouts the charge of insincerity4 ,well1 perhaps some of the impulses of sincerity are better held in check2 they are too closely allied to the humoring of our cherished prejudices4 ,if tact consists in knowing what not to say1 etiquette consists in knowing what not to do in the direction of manifesting our impulsive likes and dislikes4 ,besides1 etiquette is not so much a manifestation toward others as it is an exponent of ourselves4 ,we are courteous to others1 first of all1 because such behavior only is consistent with our own claim to be well-bred4 ,bearing this in mind we can behave with serenity in the presence of our most aggravating foe2 his worst manifestation of himself fails to provoke us to retort in kind4 ,we treat him politely1 not because he deserves it1 but because we owe it to ourselves to be gentle-mannered4 ,etiquette begins at self4 ,there is no worthy deference to others that does not rest on the basis of self-respect4 ,to thine own self be true2 ,and it must follow1 as the night the day1 ,thou canst not then be false to any man4 ,it is a superficial judgment that descries nothing but insincerity in the unvarying suavity of a well-bred manner2 that regards the conventional code of behavior as merely a device for rendering social life artificial4 ,the raison d'etre is always to be found in the established rules of etiquette2 and probably the most exacting and seemingly unnecessary of formalities has its foundation in some good common sense principle not far removed in spirit from the rule golden4 ,in short1 manners and morals are twin shoots from the same root4 ,the essentially well-bred man is he whose manners are the polite expression of moral principle1 magnanimity1 and benevolence4 ,,visiting ,,cards ,,the ,,office ,,of ,,the ,,visiting ,,card ,the personal1 or visiting1 card is the representative of the individual whose name it bears4 ,it goes where he himself would be entitled to appear1 and in his absence it is equivalent to his presence4 ,it is his double1 delegated to fill all social spaces which his variously-occupied life would otherwise compel him to leave vacant4 ,since the card is to be received as the equivalent of one's self1 it is important that it shall be discreetly sent upon its embassy4 ,in every case where personal cards are correctly used the owner is accredited with having performed de facto whatever the card expresses for him1 be it a call1 a regret1 a congratulation1 an apology1 an introduction1 a farewell-taking1 or whatever4 ,the rules guiding the uses of visiting cards are based upon this idea of representation4 ,the deputy is on duty only in the absence of his superior1 so the card is usually superfluous when the owner himself is present4 ,a card sent at a wrong time suggests the possibility that the owner might blunder similarly in his personal appearing4 ,the neglect to send a card at a proper time is equivalent to a personal neglect4 ,the man who comes himself and hands you his card also is apt to have too many elbows at a dinner1 too many feet at a ball4 ,he has about him a suggestion of awkward superfluousness that is subtly consistent with his duplicate announcement of himself4 ,for want of the much-needed genderless singular pronoun ,i have been using the masculine form2 but upon reflection ,i remember that it is the women of society who have the most diverse responsibility in the management of personal cards1 their duties extending even to the care and oversight of the cards of their socially careless and negligent male relatives4 ,but no matter who attends to the proprieties1 the relation of the card to its owner is the same in all cases4 ,if his card blunders1 he gets the discredit of it4 ,if his card always flutters gracefully into the salver at exactly the right time and place1 the glory is all his own1 even though his tireless wife or mother or sister has done all the hard thinking bestowed on the matter4 ,happy the man allied by the ties of close kindred to a gifted society woman1 for lo6 his cards shall never be found missing1 wherever he may stray4 ,,style ,,of ,,cards ,the prevailing shape of cards for women is nearly square 7about #b #a_/b x #c inches74 ,a fine dull-finished card-board of medium weight and stiffness is used4 ,a man's card is smaller1 and narrower proportionately2 and is of slightly heavier card-board4 ,the color is pearl white1 not cream4 ,tinted cards are not admissible4 ,the engraving is plain script1 or elaborate text2 as the fashion may for the time decree4 ,the responsibility of furnishing the correct style of card rests with the engraver1 whose business it is to know the ruling fashion of the day4 ,any one may have an elegant card by intrusting the choice to a first-class stationer4 ,but it is not half the battle to secure an elegant card4 ,an elegant use of the card distinguishes the well-informed in social usage4 ,this distinction shows when the distribution of cards begins4 ,,the ,,engraving ,,of ,,visiting ,,cards ,,cards ,,for ,,men ,if the surname is short1 the full name may be engraved4 ,if the names are long1 and the space does not admit of their full extension1 the initials of given names may be used4 ,the former style is preferred1 when practicable4 ,in the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name--as ,rev41 ,dr41 ,col41 etc41--,mr4 is always prefixed4 ,good form requires this on an engraved card4 ,if in any emergency a man writes his own name on a card he does not prefix ,mr4 ,what titles may properly be used on a man's visiting-card8 ,the distinctions made in the use of titles seem arbitrary unless some reason can be discovered4 ,the rule should be1 to omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify transient offices1 or occupations not related to social life2 using such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is for life2 and which has become a part of the man's identity1 or which is distinctly allied to his social conditions4 ,to illustrate3--,the rank of an officer in the army or the navy should be indicated by title on his card1 his connection with the service being for life1 and a part of his identity4 ,his personal card is engraved thus3 ,general ,schofield--the title in full when only the surname is used2 or1 ,gen4 ,winfield ,scott1 ,gen4 ,w4 ,s4 ,hancock--the title abbreviated when the given names1 or their initials1 are used4 ,the first style is appropriate to the ,commander-in-chief1 or the senior officer2 or in any case where no other officer of the same name and rank is on the roster4 ,officers on the retired list1 and veteran officers of the late war who rose from the volunteer ranks1 retain their titles by courtesy4 ,and very appropriately so1 since the war record of many a gallant soldier is inseparable from the man himself1 in the minds of his fellow-citizens4 ,he may have retired to private life again1 but his distinguished services have outlived the brief hour of action2 and his hero-worshiping countrymen will always recognize him in his most salient character1 every inch a soldier4 ,it is quite impossible to call him ,mr41 or at once to know who is meant if his card reads--for instance--,mr4 ,lucius ,fairchild4 ,nothing but the title of his well-earned rank gives an adequate idea of the man4 ,the official cards of political officers and ambassadors1 which bear the title and office of the man--with or without his name--should be used only on official or ,state occasions1 and during the term of office4 ,when the incumbent steps down and out1 this card is also relegated4 ,his friends may continue to greet him as ,governor1 but he no longer uses the title himself4 ,in strictly social life1 the personal card of the ex-,governor is like that of any other private citizen1 subject to the same rules4 ,similarly1 professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an advertisement of occupations are not allowable for social purposes4 ,the three learned professions1 theology1 medicine1 and law1 are equally for life4 ,but the occupation of the lawyer is distinctly related to business matters1 and not at all to social affairs4 ,his title1 or sub-title1 ,esquire1 is properly ignored on his visiting-card1 and socially he is simply ,mr4 ,john ,livingstone4 ,on the other hand1 the callings of the clergyman and the physician respectively1 are closely allied to the social side of life1 closely identified with the man himself4 ,therefore ,rev41 or ,dr4 may with propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the name4 ,the title is an important identifying mark1 and its omission1 by the clergyman1 at least1 is not strictly dignified4 ,office hours are not announced on a physician's social card4 ,it is not good form to use merely honorary titles on visiting-cards4 ,in most cases1 a man should lay aside all pretension to special office or rank1 and appear in society simply as ,mr4 ,john ,brown1 to take his chances in the social world strictly on his own merits2 assured that if he has any merit1 other people will discover it without an ostentatious reminder of it in the shape of a pompous visiting-card4 ,of course this suggestion of democratic simplicity refers to the engraving of one's own card2 other people address the man properly by his official or honorary title1 with all due respect for the worth which the world recognizes--even though the wearer of such honors ignores his own claim to high distinction4 ,blow your own trumpet1 if you would hear it sound1 is a sharply sarcastic bit of advice1 since only hopeless mediocrity could ever profit by the injunction4 ,real merit needs no trumpeter4 ,mrs4 ,grant could afford to call her husband ,mr4 ,grant1 as was her modest custom2 because all the world knew that he was the ,general of our armies1 and the ,president of the republic4 ,it is some ,mayor ,puff1 of ,boomtown1 who can hardly be persuaded by the engraver from giving himself the satisfaction of incidentally announcing on his visiting-cards the result of the last borough election4 ,a man's address may be engraved beneath his name at the lower right corner1 the street and number only if in a city1 or the name of a country-seat if out of town2 as1 ,the ,leasowes4 ,bachelors who belong to a club may add the club address in the lower left corner2 or1 if they live altogether at the club1 this address occupies the lower right corner4 ,an engraved address implies some permanency of location4 ,those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit this addition to the visiting-card1 writing the address in any emergency that requires it4 ,no messages are written on a man's card1 and no penciling is allowed1 except as above1 to give 7or correct7 the address1 or in the case of ,p4 p4 c4 cards1 sent by post4 ,,cards ,,for ,,women ,the rules in regard to titles are simple and brief4 ,a woman's name should never appear on a visiting-card without either ,mrs4 or ,miss prefixed4 ,the exception would be in the case of women who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine4 ,such are entitled1 like their brothers1 to prefix ,rev4 or ,dr4 to their names4 ,a married woman's card is engraved with her husband's name1 with the prefix ,mrs4 ,no matter how titled the husband may be1 his titles do not appear on his wife's visiting-card4 ,the wife of the ,president is not ,mrs4 ,president ,harrison1 but ,mrs4 ,benjamin ,harrison4 ,she is the wife of the man1 not the wife of his office or his rank4 ,a widow may1 if she prefers1 retain the card engraved during her husband's lifetime1 unless by so doing she confuses her identity with that of some other ,mrs4 ,john ,brown1 whose husband is still living4 ,it is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name1 and to have her card engraved ,mrs4 ,mary ,brown1 or1 if she chooses to indicate her own patronymic1 ,mrs4 ,mary ,dexter ,brown4 ,an unmarried woman's card is engraved with her full name1 or the initials of given names1 as she prefers1 but always with the prefix ,miss 7unless one of the professional titles referred to takes its place74 ,the address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner4 ,if a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls1 that fact is announced in the lower left corner4 ,if this is engraved1 it is understood to be a fixed custom2 if written1 it may be a transient arrangement4 ,if a weekly at home day is observed1 the name of the day is engraved1 as ,tuesdays4 ,this means that during calling hours on any ,tuesday the hostess will be found at home4 ,if hours are limited1 that is also indicated1 as from #d to #f4 ,further limitations may be specified1 as ,tuesdays in ,february1 ,tuesdays until ,lent1 ,tuesdays after ,october1 etc4 ,any definite idea of time may be given to meet the facts1 the wording being made as terse as possible4 ,if the regular at home day is ,tuesday 7unlimited71 and the card is so engraved1 any of the special limitations may be penciled in to meet special conditions4 ,sometimes an informal invitation is thus conveyed2 as1 by the addition1 ,tea1 #d to #f1 etc4 ,other penciling4--,cards left or sent1 before leaving town1 have ,p4 p4 c4--7,pour prendre conge7--penciled in the lower left corner4 ,a holiday1 a birthday1 a wedding anniversary1 or other event in a friend's life may be remembered by sending a card1 upon which is penciled ,greeting1 ,congratulations1 ,best wishes1 or some similar expression4 ,such cards may be sent alone1 or may accompany gifts4 ,any brief message may be penciled on a woman's card1 provided the message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social courtesy4 ,but the card message should not be sent when courtesy requires the more explicit and respectful form of a note4 ,,cards ,,for ,,young ,,women ,in strictly formal circles a young woman1 during her first year in society1 pays no visits alone4 ,she accompanies her mother or chaperon4 ,she has no separate card1 but her name is engraved1 or may be written1 beneath that of her mother 7or chaperon7 on a card employed for these joint visits4 ,after a year or so of social experience 7the period being governed by the youth or maturity of the debutante1 or by the exigency of making way for a younger sister to be chaperoned71 the young woman becomes an identity socially1 and has her separate card1 subject to the general rules for women's cards1 even though she continues to pay her most formal visits in company with her mother4 ,,after ,,marriage ,,cards ,during the first year after marriage cards engraved thus3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,henry ,bell ,joyce1 may be used by the couple in paying calls1 or returning wedding civilities4 ,such cards are also used when jointly sending presents at any time4 ,for general visiting1 after the first year1 husband and wife have separate cards4 ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,the ,,visiting-,,card ,a too profuse use of visiting-cards indicates crudity4 ,the trend of fashion is toward restricting the quantity of paste-board1 and employing cards always when they are required1 never when they are superfluous4 ,,calling ,,in ,,person ,when one calls in person the name of the caller is given verbally to the servant who opens the door4 ,the card is not usually sent up1 except by a stranger4 ,but sometimes there is difficulty in making the servant understand the name or properly distinguish it from some other similar name4 ,in this case to avoid mistakes the card is sent up4 ,if the hostess is not at home a card is left by the disappointed caller4 ,on the occasion of a first call a card is left on the hall table1 or other place provided1 even though the caller has been received by the hostess4 ,this serves as a reminder that the acquaintance has been duly and formally begun4 ,on the occasion of subsequent calls1 when the hostess is at home1 no cards are employed1 except1 as before stated1 to avert servants' mistakes4 ,such is the sensible dictum of good authorities1 and one in harmony with the idea that the personal card is the representative of its owner1 not his accompaniment4 ,this idea is more pointedly illustrated in quiet neighborhoods1 where even the wealthy live simply of choice1 and1 like their neighbors of moderate means1 employ but one domestic1 or1 it may be1 none4 ,in such households often the guest is met at the door by a member of the family1 possibly the hostess herself4 ,the use of a visiting-card then is plainly incongruous1 not to say absurd4 ,the visitor who is paying a first call under these informal conditions may find opportunity to drop a card unobtrusively into the basket1 if such receptacle be within reach2 but if this cannot be done without conspicuous effort the card is better ignored1 and its place as a remembrancer filled by the genial impression which the visitor leaves1 and of which an appreciative hostess needs no card reminder4 ,besides1 people living quietly visit so little1 comparatively1 that it is no severe tax on the memory to recollect who has called1 especially as the infrequency of calls gives ample time for each one to make an individual impression4 ,this is not possible when a steady stream of visitors is pouring in and out of a drawing-room on a fashionable woman's at home day1 scarcely giving the hostess opportunity to gaze upon one face before another has displaced it2 so that at the end of the hour her memory recalls a composite photograph4 ,cards are her indispensable aids in resolving this picture into its component elements4 ,but those who live quietly1 receiving but few calls1 have no such bewildering complexity to deal with4 ,at the same time1 these people thus quietly environed may represent the most refined and cultivated circle4 ,they may know perfectly well what formal etiquette would demand in the matter of cards if the conditions were more formal4 ,the omission of cards whenever their use would be forced1 so far from indicating ignorance1 is a proof of discrimination4 ,personal calls are made in the following cases3 ,in returning a first visit1 made in person4 ,after a dinner party to which one has been invited1 whether the invitation was accepted or not4 ,after any entertainment other than a dinner it is allowable to leave or send cards instead of paying a personal call4 ,this is a wise rule in cases where a hostess1 has a long visiting list1 and entertains frequently4 ,to receive afterward personal visits from all of her guests would be practically impossible4 ,the majority will express their acknowledgments by card1 leaving it to the most intimate friends of the hostess to pay their respects in person4 ,but among quiet people1 where one ,tea is the extent of a hostess' efforts for the season1 the personal call is desirable as showing greater respect and friendliness4 ,among congenial friends only the plea of a busy life can make the card acknowledgment quite as graceful and acceptable as the personal visit4 ,but if the guest is a comparative stranger1 and1 for any reason1 there is a wish not to extend the acquaintance1 the sending of a card meets all the requirements of etiquette1 without committing the sender to any further intimacy4 7,the alternative for personal calls1 is personal card-leaving2 the next point to be considered47 ,,card-,,leaving ,,is ,,lieu ,,of ,,personal ,,calls ,when personal calls are not practicable1 nor desirable1 the leaving of cards is accepted as an equivalent4 ,a few years ago1 fashion demanded that all visiting-cards expressing or acknowledging social civilities should be left in person2 the alternative in emergencies being to send them by the hand of a private messenger1 never through the post-office4 ,there was good excuse for this fashion in our grandmother's day1 when the post was a slow coach1 or a storm-stayed postillion2 but the admirable system of our postal service to-day leaves no excuse for the prejudice in favor of the private messenger2 and it is not surprising that fashion has yielded to common sense in allowing that many of these cards of courtesy may1 with perfect propriety1 be sent by post4 ,the following instances illustrate the present correct usage in regard to these three ways of leaving cards4 ,,cases ,,in ,,which ,,personal ,,card-,,leaving ,,is ,,required ,after a first hospitality1 whether accepted or not4 ,calls of condolence4 ,after-dinner calls by cards4 ,alternative4--,in such cases1 when personal card-leaving is impossible1 the card is sent by a private messenger1 and an explanation1 or apology1 is sent by note4 ,cards of condolence may be sent by post by friends at a distance2 but not by persons residing in the near vicinity4 ,,cards ,,by ,,messenger1 ,,or ,,by ,,post ,in all cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative1 cards may be sent either by messenger or by post4 ,as the former is still regarded by many persons--especially elderly people--as the only strictly polite medium of transfer1 it is considerate to send cards1 invitations1 etc41 to such people by the good old-fashioned messenger1 rather than to shock unnecessarily a crystallized sense of propriety by ruthless innovations4 ,but in general it is more convenient and quite as neat and reliable to send by post2 and the fashion of so doing is now fully adopted by the younger generation1 and no longer subject to criticism4 ,in stating what may be done1 in the way of escaping personal tasks1 we are merely marking the bounds of propriety in one direction4 ,on the other hand1 in most cases1 those who choose may make personal calls instead of those several formal card-leavings4 ,when good form allows alternatives1 each one must judge for himself which form of expression is most appropriate in any given case4 ,frank cordiality1 amounting to informality1 may be in the best taste in some oases2 whereas1 in other instances1 only the most conventional and reserved expression of respect is either agreeable or discreet4 ,in the latter case1 let your card speak for you1 and at long range--the longer the better4 ,,card-,,leaving ,,by ,,proxy ,one of the peculiar permissions of good form is that which allows a man to delegate the distribution of his visiting-cards to a near female relative1 whenever it becomes impracticable for him to attend to the matter personally4 ,only the women of his own household1 or a relative with whom he habitually pays visits1 can thus represent a man by proxy4 ,in this country1 where most society men--certainly the better element--are business men1 whose days are filled with earnest work and crowned with the achievements of industry1 it is not to be expected that men of affairs will always be ready to respond to social invitations1 or to pay all the calls of civility which fashion decrees shall be paid during the hours usually devoted to business4 ,in theory1 each man and woman in society is supposed to attend to his or her own social duties4 ,while it is expected that a man will make all reasonable effort to do this1 and that he will not altogether neglect it1 still1 so long as he occasionally appears personally1 with a genial demeanor that proves the sincerity of his good intentions1 it will be accepted in good part if1 in a large number of instances1 his card1 instead of himself1 appears1 brought by another hand4 ,but let men remember that the good excuse must be obvious4 ,any suspicion of indifference robs the proxy card-leaving of all effect as a compliment4 ,in case a man is legitimately prevented1 by business cares1 from paying calls or leaving his cards in person1 it is proper for his wife or mother or sister1 or other near relative1 to leave or send his card with her own4 ,when a woman calls upon another woman she leaves her husband's card4 ,if the hostess is married1 a second card is left for the host4 ,she may leave the cards of a son1 a brother1 or other relative1 if such responsibility rests upon her4 ,this formality should be observed when paying the first call of the season4 ,while every well-informed woman should know that it is her place to leave her husband's cards for him1 it is a fact that many women1 otherwise attentive to social forms1 habitually neglect this particular duty4 ,the result is that the man who has not time to pay visits becomes a social nonentity1 and society1 in some circles1 is simply a world of women4 ,why does the husband1 thus neglected1 get out of going to the occasional party whenever he can1 and when he does allow himself to be dragged thither1 why does he sulk1 leaning against a chilly mantel-piece1 eying his fragile coffee cup with disdain1 and enacting the role of martyr generally1 until he can persuade his wife to go home again8 ,why1 indeed2 but because he feels out of place4 ,his rare and incidental appearance is a journey into a far country1 of which he has little knowledge1 and in which he has no interest4 ,but when a man goes--ever so seldom--where he knows that his card habitually goes1 he feels that he is on familiar ground1 and he will go in person1 of choice1 oftener than he otherwise would4 ,some men1 unaccustomed to exact social observances1 would ridicule the idea at first1 if their wives should announce the intention of leaving their husband's cards for them4 ,but1 however much a man might demur1 a lurking vanity would develop into complacent satisfaction1 as he became aware of the increasing geniality of the social atmosphere about him2 and the pleasing glow would take the ultimate form of gratitude to his wife4 ,that the permission to leave cards by proxy is often abused by selfish and indolent men is no doubt true4 ,but the social advantage which it gives to a large class of men who are neither selfish nor indolent more than counterbalances any disadvantages1 and saves to society a solid element that might be entirely given over to business1 if it were not for judicious feminine co-operation in the distribution of visiting-cards4 ,solid men would go into society far more frequently and with greater alacrity if they felt assured that the way had been smoothly paved with their own visiting-cards1 well laid in place by the deft fingers of their skillful women folk1 who have left no flaw in the mosaic of social proprieties4 ,,some ,,further ,,illustrations ,,of ,,card ,,usage ,when a married1 or elderly woman tacitly invites a man to call on her by telling him what are her at home days or hours1 it is obligatory upon him to acknowledge the courtesy4 ,if unable to call personally he should explain that fact and express regret1 and should be particular to send a card on her next receiving day during the hours that she has mentioned4 ,it is a special courtesy to send also a card for her husband1 if he is a venerable man1 or if1 by reason of ill health1 he is usually at home4 ,a woman older1 or busier1 or occupying some position of acknowledged distinction1 may send her card1 indicating her receiving days and hours1 to a younger or less occupied woman4 ,this is accepted as a call1 and an invitation to return the same4 ,if the recipient chooses she may respond in person4 ,if she does not care to establish a calling acquaintance she may respond by sending one of her own cards on the receiving day4 ,in case opportunity occurs for explanation some polite reason may be given for not adding to one's visiting list2 but unless one has the tact to do this without snobbishness1 it were better to keep silence4 ,cards of introduction are simply visiting-cards upon which the owner writes1 above his own name1 ,introducing ,mr4 ----4 ,the card is inclosed in an unsealed envelope1 addressed to the person to whom the introduction is to be made1 and with the words ,introducing ,mr4 ----1 written in the lower left corner4 ,it is a delicate matter to refuse a card or letter of introduction1 but it is a far more delicate matter to take the liberty to give one4 ,if one is in doubt about the readiness of the third party to receive the person introduced it is better to find some polite excuse for declining to be the medium of the introduction4 ,fortunately1 if the blunder is made of introducing uncongenial people they can easily drift apart again without rudeness on the part of either4 ,when any one is invited to a church wedding and cannot attend it is proper to send1 on the day of the marriage1 a card or cards to those who issued the invitations2 one card1 if one parent1 or a guardian1 invites2 if the invitation is sent in the names of both parents1 a card for each1 inclosed in an envelope and addressed to both4 ,if the invited guest attends the wedding he leaves or sends cards within a week1 similarly addressed4 ,a personal call is allowable if intimacy warrants it4 ,those friends of the groom who are not acquainted with the bride's family should merely send cards4 ,when a man wishes to make the acquaintance of another man he may call and send in his card4 ,this may or may not be accompanied with some explanatory message4 ,if the man on whom the call is made does not wish to receive the caller he will express some polite reason for declining1 or suggest another time for receiving the visitor4 ,usually a man will receive another man who makes polite overtures2 but if the host does not wish to continue the acquaintance he will not return the call in person1 but simply send his card by post4 ,this distant rejoinder practically ends the brief acquaintance without any discourteous rebuff4 ,it is one of the mistakes of the vulgar to be rude and gruff in order to repel an undesired acquaintance4 ,in reality1 nothing freezes out a bore more effectually than the icy calm of dignified courtesy4 ,there are exquisitely polite ways of sending every undesirable person to limbo4 ,the perfect self-command of the well-bred man enables him to do this to perfection1 but without giving offense4 ,moreover1 as most people worth seeking are men and women of earnest lives and crowded occupations1 no one need feel personally chagrined by the failure to establish a coveted acquaintance with some gifted man or woman4 ,cards of condolence are left as soon as possible after learning of the affliction4 ,if in town1 cards are left in person or sent by a messenger with a message4 ,if out of town a card is sent by the first post4 ,nothing is written upon these cards4 ,a visiting card1 with ,congratulations written upon it1 is sent to felicitate a friend upon any happy event in which friends may sympathize4 ,such cards are sent by messenger or by post4 ,if a card is left in person with a kind message1 nothing is written upon the card4 ,when a man calls and sees his hostess1 but not the host1 he should leave a card for the latter4 ,if the hostess is not at home1 two cards should be left4 ,when a man entertains formally1 each man invited1 whether he accepts or not1 should acknowledge the courtesy within a week4 ,he may call in person1 or leave a card1 or send a card by mail1 or write a note of thanks1 whichever he prefers4 ,this is one of the important formalities between men1 and the neglect of it argues either ignorance or insolence4 ,when a man calls upon a woman while she is the guest of a family with whom he is not acquainted1 he inquires for both his friend and her hostess1 and1 as he is a stranger in the house1 he sends up a card for each 7instead of announcing himself verbally1 as at the house of a friend74 ,if the hostess receives him on this occasion1 but extends no further hospitality1 he has no claim upon her recognition beyond the hour4 ,if the hostess subsequently offers him any hospitality during the time his friend is her guest he must call upon her2 but if he defers this until after the departure of the guest1 he must leave a card for the hostess without intruding a personal call1 unless he has been distinctly invited to continue the acquaintance4 ,if the man who pays the call does not wish to continue the acquaintance with his friend's hostess1 after she has offered him hospitality1 he must at least call and leave a card for her1 with a polite inquiry for her health4 ,this is obligatory2 but nothing further is required4 ,a visiting card is employed in sending informal invitations to a tea or afternoon reception4 ,the care of the hostess is used1 and in addition to the name of the regular receiving day the special date1 as ,january #ai1 and some other specific words1 as ,tea1 #d to #f1 are written in the lower left corner4 7,in this informal written message numbers are indicate by figures1 where formal invitations require the words to be written in full47 ,this card is accepted by the recipients as equivalent to a call paid by the sender1 and they respond in person at the time indicated1 leaving cards with the servant as they enter1 and also1 on their departure1 leaving the cards of such male members of their respective families as have been invited1 but are unable to attend4 ,as few men can leave business at this hour these occasions become prominent illustrations of proxy card-leaving4 ,if any one invited cannot be present 7and in case of a man no female relative is there authorized to represent him7 a card must be sent by post or messenger on the receiving day4 ,after a change of residence1 or after a prolonged absence from home1 cards of the entire family are sent to notify an acquaintance of their re-establishment and of their readiness to resume the social interchange4 ,it is customary for the younger society men to pay a round of calls after returning from the usual summer outing1 or to leave cards in lieu of a call4 ,when leaving for a long absence1 or when parting from transient1 but agreeable acquaintances1 as companion tourists1 etc41 when time does not admit of farewell calls1 visiting-cards are sent by post with ,p4 p4 c4 7,pour prendre conge--to take leave7 written upon them4 ,this is equivalent to saying1 ,if ever we meet again we will meet on the footing of friends1 not strangers4 ,it is a pleasant way of showing appreciation of the pleasure afforded by another's society1 and the formality should not be neglected by one who would be esteemed thoughtfully polite and kind4 ,only people who cling to old-fashioned customs still fold over the right side of a visiting-card to show that the card was left in person1 and also fold over the left side to show that the call was intended for all the women of the household4 ,this custom is practically obsolete4 ,another fashion that has had its day was that of leaving a separate card for each of the women of the household4 ,now1 one card answers the purpose1 the inquiry accompanying it indicates whether the call was intended for one or for all of the family4 ,in case a guest of the household is included in the call a separate card is left for her4 ,,ceremonious ,,cards ,,and ,,invitations4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,r,e,p,l,i,e,ss ,,the ,,high ,,tea1 ,,musicale1 ,,etc4 ,these occasions are more formal than the ordinary afternoon tea4 ,special cards are engraved1 and if any special entertainment is provided1 the fact may be indicated by the words1 ,music1 or ,miscellaneous ,program 7when readings and music are interspersed74 ,or1 the announcement may be omitted1 and the program furnish a pleasant surprise for the guests4 ,but when ,dancing is the recreation provided for1 it must appear on the card1 so that guests may prepare for it4 ,the card for a musicale or similar occasion1 is simply engraved3 ,,mrs4 ,,john ,,livingstone ,at ,home ,wednesday1 ,october fifth1 from four to seven o'clock4 ,dancing4 #aai ,park ,ave4 ,,for ,a ,,party ,,or ,,reception ,,given ,,in ,,honor ,,of ,,another1 the invitations may be engraved with a blank space left for the name of the invited guest2 or1 the form may be filled out1 and the name of the guest appear on the envelope only4 ,it may read3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,dexter ,,holmes request the pleasure of 4444444444444444444444444's company on ,tuesday evening ,june sixth1 at nine o'clock1 to meet ,rev4 ,john ,d4 ,loring4 ,r4,s4,v4,p4 #bi ,rice ,st4 or1 the wording may be request the pleasure of your company1 etc4 ,the former has the rhetorical advantage of uniformity1 the third person being used throughout2 and it also indicates a personal recognition of each guest2 but the latter form presents a neater appearance4 ,as to the use of ,r4,s4,v4,p41 or any of the phrases now preferred by many1 as1 ,please reply2 ,the favor of an answer is requested1 etc41 this may be said3 some authorities claim that all invitations should be answered2 and that therefore these requests for a reply are a reflection on the good manners of the people invited4 ,but such is not the popular understanding4 ,all invitations that are plainly limited to a certain number of guests1 as dinners1 card parties1 and certain exclusive receptions1 should be answered at once1 in order that vacancies may be filled4 ,whether the invitation is accompanied with the request for a reply or not1 all thoughtful people will recognize the propriety4 ,but on many occasions where numbers are not necessarily limited1 only the hostess can say whether the reply is urgent or not2 since it is a question of her personal convenience1 the limits of house-room1 or some other individual matter4 ,as no one class of entertainments is given always under the same conditions1 it is well to allow the hostess to choose whether she will add or omit the request for a reply to her invitations4 ,meanwhile1 the punctilious may reply to every invitation of a strictly social character1 and even if the host or hostess did not expect it1 such reply can give no offense2 whereas1 the neglect of a necessary reply might prove very awkward and annoying4 ,a private ball is only a more elaborate form of a dancing party4 ,the invitations are phrased in the same language1 but the hour is usually not earlier than #i4cj ,p4 ,m4 ,the same form of invitation can be adapted to almost any reception1 party or other social entertainment1 with such variations in the phrasing as suit the circumstances4 ,it may be said that it is unnecessary to give explicit directions about invitations1 inasmuch as the engraver is the one ultimately responsible for the accuracy of these things4 ,but on occasions when small numbers are invited--but undiminished formality is observed--the formal invitation is requisite1 yet the engraved card is a needless expense4 ,in such cases one may have cards written in due form4 ,but1 for written invitations of this formal character1 it is imperative that the paper shall be of superior quality1 and the penmanship neat1 and thoroughly stylish in effect4 ,,cards ,,of ,,invitation ,,to ,a ,,wedding are issued in the name of the bride's parents1 or1 if she is an orphan1 by her guardian1 or some relative or friend who gives her the wedding4 ,all expenses are paid by the bride's family4 ,it is not etiquette for the groom to bear any of the expense1 except the fee to the clergy man2 nor to furnish anything for his own wedding1 except the ring and the bouquet for the bride1 presents for the brides-maids and best man1 and some little token for the ushers4 ,the hostess 7who invites7 requests the groom to furnish her with two lists of names--one list of those of his friends whom he wishes to be present to witness the ceremony1 and another list of those whom he would like to see at the reception also4 ,these1 with similar lists of the bride's friends1 make up the number of guests to be invited4 ,wedding invitations are usually sent out two weeks before the day fixed for the ceremony4 ,the invitation is engraved and printed upon a note sheet1 in handsome plain script1 the lines broken to give distinction to the several ideas1 and the wording made as terse as possible4 ,the formula is nearly unvarying3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,george ,,lathrop request the pleasure of your company 7or the honor of your presence7 at the marriage of their daughter1 ,,mary ,,adelaide1 to ,,mr4 ,,william ,,henry ,,bishop1 at ,st4 ,philip's ,church1 ,on ,wednesday evening1 ,october twelfth1 at seven o'clock4 ,if the marriage is to be solemnized at home the date follows the names in succession1 and the place of residence is given last4 ,the invitation may vary1 the wedding reception of their daughter1 etc4 ,or1 accompanying the church wedding invitation may be a square card bearing the lines3 ,reception from half-past seven until nine o'clock1 with place of residence on the line below4 ,also1 to avoid a crowd at the church1 a smaller card is sometimes sent with the invitations bearing1 for example1 the words3 ,please present this card at ,st4 ,philip's ,church1 ,wednesday evening1 ,october twelfth1 at seven o'clock4 ,this card of admission is also given to dependents--the domestics of the family or such persons as may be entitled to the kind notice1 but who are not1 strictly speaking1 invited guests4 ,the number of such cards should never be greater than the comfortable capacity of the church1 lest their original purpose be defeated4 ,in case the ceremony is private the immediate family and chosen friends are invited verbally4 ,it is then optional whether or not a formal announcement shall be made to a wider circle of friends by sending out engraved cards the day after the ceremony4 ,these are1 like the invitations1 printed on note sheets1 and are phrased briefly1 as ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,george ,,lathrop announce the marriage of their daughter1 ,,mary ,,adelaide1 to ,,mr4 ,,william ,,henry ,,bishop1 ,wednesday evening1 ,october twelfth1 ,st4 ,philip's ,church4 ,at ,home cards sometimes accompany this announcement1 or they may be sent out later by the young couple themselves1 if a long wedding trip intervenes4 ,the private wedding and after announcement is often the most suitable--in fact1 the only appropriate method to adopt when a bride is comparatively alone in the world1 or has no near relatives to take charge of wedding formalities4 ,in such a case the announcement is worded3 ,mr4 ,william ,henry ,bishop and ,miss ,mary ,adelaide ,lathrop1 married1 ,wednesday1 ,october twelfth1 #adi ,willow ,st4 ,if no other place is given this is understood to be the place where to address cards of congratulation4 ,if the young couple are to receive later1 in a new home1 that address1 with date of the at home1 is also given1 thus1 ,at home1 after ,november fifteenth1 #aabi ,lake ,st4 ,if the change of residence is to another town1 the name of the town is also given4 ,for the proper style of displaying the phrases of an invitation or announcement one may apply to a first-class stationer4 ,plain script and the finest white paper are always correct4 ,any show of ornamentation is out of taste4 ,when the circle of acquaintances is very large and invitations must be limited to a certain number1 the announcement cards may be sent to others4 ,a wedding invitation1 unless it includes a wedding breakfast1 limited in number1 requires no reply4 ,cards sent afterward are all that is necessary4 ,these cards1 and whatever congratulations are sent1 are addressed to the ones in whose name the invitation or announcement was sent out--usually the parents of the bride4 ,a congratulatory note to the bride is always in order among intimate friends1 but this bears no relation to a response to the invitation4 ,,wedding ,,anniversary ,,invitations are simply1 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,george ,lathrop1 at home1 etc41 with date and residence4 ,they are printed on cards or note sheets1 preferably the latter1 and the character of the occasion is indicated by a monogram at the top of the page1 in the centre1 flanked by the two annual dates1 as #ahcg monogram #ahhg4 ,if for a golden wedding this heading is lettered in gold2 if for a silver wedding1 in silver1 the invitation being1 as usual1 printed in black ink4 ,it is good form to engrave ,no presents in the lower left corner1 if such is the wish of the bride and groom4 ,,dinner ,,cards ,,of ,,invitation may have this form3 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,george ,,lathrop request the pleasure ,of 444444444444444444444444444444444444 company at dinner on ,thursday1 4444444444444444 at seven o'clock4 #ie ,willow ,street4 ,the above form may be engraved for perennial use by a host or hostess who frequently give dinners1 and always on the same day of the week4 ,blanks are left to be filled in with the name of the invited guest and the exact date4 ,or for a single occasion the form may be without any blank spaces1 and the phrasing read1 ,request the pleasure of your company4 ,a dinner given in honor of some distinguished guest requires an invitation card specially engraved4 ,this form is most deferential3 ,to meet ,,general ,,la ,,fayette1 ,,mr4 ,,and ,,mrs4 ,,george ,,lathrop request the honor of 444444444444444444444444 company at dinner on ,wednesday1 ,may tenth1 at eight o'clock4 #ie ,willow ,street4 ,if the honored guest is esteemed on the score of personal friendship rather than public distinction his name will be given last1 instead of first1 on the card1 the phrasing of the invitation remaining the same4 ,invitations to dinner should be answered at once1 and no one should accept if there is the least doubt about being able to be present4 ,only the most serious detentions suddenly arising will excuse a failure to keep a dinner engagement once made4 ,if such contingency does occur at the eleventh hour an explanation and apology should be sent to the host or hostess without delay in order to give opportunity for securing the fourteenth man4 ,,for ,a ,,formal ,,luncheon ,,or ,,breakfast the invitation cards are similar in form to dinner cards4 ,but since the manner of serving1 the numbers invited1 etc41 are not so definitely fixed it is proper to add ,r4,s4,v4,p4 on cards that especially call for a reply in the judgment of the hostess4 ,otherwise many people with vague ideas of the informality of these occasions might omit to send replies4 ,,the ,,conduct ,,of ,a ,,church ,,wedding ,the sexton should be duly informed what preparations to make at the church2 the awning at the entrance1 the ribbon barrier across the aisle1 the floral decorations1 etc41 by whomever arranged and executed are under the supervision of this functionary1 who is responsible for having everything in order4 ,it is no longer good form for a bride to be late at her own wedding4 ,now1 when the invitation says seven o'clock it is expected that the ceremony will begin at that hour precisely1 accidents aside4 ,the organist is engaged by some one interested in making the arrangements1 and is supposed to be in his place for a half-hour or so before the hour of the ceremony2 and while the guests are assembling he discourses music appropriate to the occasion--a rambling1 meditative pot-pourri of sweet and pathetic sentimental songs being a popular and effective choice4 ,in churches having a vested choir it is possible to secure very beautiful effects in the musical adjuncts1 the processional adding greatly to the grace and dignity of the ceremonial4 ,the sexton1 or his deputy1 stands at the door1 salver in hand1 to receive the admission cards as people enter the church4 ,the invited guests are met at the foot of the centre aisle by the ushers4 ,an usher offers his arm to a lady and conducts her to a seat1 the friends of the bride being seated at the left and the friends of the groom at the right of the middle aisle4 ,when1 as often happens1 the groom is from a distance1 and few of his far-away acquaintances can be present1 this separation of guests is not observed4 ,at the appointed hour1 the clergyman appears at the altar rail2 the groom1 accompanied by his best man1 emerges from the vestry1 and takes his place at the right1 awaiting the arrival of the bride4 ,at this instant1 the organist stops dreaming1 wakes up1 and starts boldly into the wedding march1 as the bridal party move up the aisle1 in the following order3 ,first1 the ushers1 in pairs1 then the bridesmaids1 also in pairs4 ,sometimes a little maid of honor1 carrying flowers1 precedes the bride4 ,the bride1 leaning on the arm of her father1 comes last4 ,the ushers and the bridesmaids separate as they reach the altar1 and go to the right and to the left4 ,at the altar the groom receives the bride from her father's hand4 ,the latter steps back a few paces1 but remains near enough to give away the bride4 ,when this point in the ceremony has been passed1 the father quietly joins the mother in the front pew4 ,if the processional has been the ,lohengrin march1 it is thought by many to be very effective for the organist1 all through the ceremony1 to continue on the swell organ a dreamy sotto voce improvisation1 in the course of which a varied reiteration of ,faithful and true serves as an affecting expression of the sentiment of the hour4 ,the most enjoyable tears are shed by the emotional under this inspiration4 ,but other people prefer the solemn stillness1 broken only by the voice of the priest and the responses of the high contracting parties4 ,it is a matter of taste and feeling2 and those interested are at liberty to indulge either fancy4 ,the bride stands at the left of the groom during the ceremony2 and also takes his left arm at the close4 ,when the ceremony is concluded1 the officiating clergyman congratulates the couple1 but does not kiss the bride as formerly4 ,in the ,episcopal ,church1 and any other churches where it is the duty of the contracting parties to sign the parish register1 the clergyman1 the newly wedded pair1 and their witnesses1 now retire to the sacristry for this purpose4 ,on their return to the chancel1 the organ peals forth the ,wedding ,march2 the bride and groom lead the bridal party in returning down the aisle1 the bridesmaids and ushers following in due order1 and after them the nearest relatives2 and all1 entering their carriages1 are driven at once to the home of the bride's parents4 ,after a morning1 or high noon wedding1 a breakfast is usually served4 ,if the ceremony has been a nuptial mass1 in the ,catholic or ,high ,church ritual1 the bridal party have--presumably--observed the fast1 before the mass2 therefore1 the breakfast is really a breakfast4 ,however1 the term is popularly used by non-ritualists1 when the ceremony bears no relation to the mass2 and regardless of the fact that the real breakfast has been taken at the usual hour4 ,a bride may wear full dress at any hour1 day or evening2 but decollete dress is not good form at a church wedding1 nor is it allowed in the ,catholic church4 ,white is the preferred color for a young bride4 ,a widow-bride1 on the contrary1 should choose some other color2 and she wears neither veil nor orange-blossoms4 ,details of fashion vary so constantly that specific directions cannot be given with any assumption of final authority4 ,a fashionable modiste should be consulted in the emergency4 ,the dress worn by a guest at a wedding may be as rich as desired1 but should not have a bridal appearance4 ,sometimes a recent bride wears her own wedding gown at a friend's wedding2 but it is in better taste not to do so1 nor in any other way to invite comparisons4 ,the bride should be permitted to be the conspicuous figure at her own wedding1 and while her friends may pay her the compliment of wearing handsome toilettes on that occasion1 still1 other women should dress just a little less elaborately1 rather than commit the solecism of out-dressing the bride4 ,fortunately1 one may show all delicate consideration in this matter1 and yet be beautifully and becomingly dressed4 ,,the ,,ethics ,,of ,,hospitality ,hospitality shares what it has4 ,it does not attempt to give what it has not4 ,the finest hospitality is that which welcomes you to the fireside and permits you to look upon the picture of a home-life so little disturbed by your coming that you are at once made to feel yourself a part of the little symphony--the rare bit of color just needed to complete the harmonic combination4 ,with this flattering fact impressed upon your glowing memory you will hardly be able to recall the material adjuncts of the occasion4 ,it is a sign of a gross nature to measure hospitality by the loaves and fishes1 forgetting the miracle that goes with them4 ,and it is equally a mistake for a host to be afraid to offer humble entertainment when richer offers are beyond his means4 ,to a refined perception the life is more than the meat1 and the personality of the host1 not the condition of his larder1 decides whether or not it is an honor to be his guest4 ,delightful though it be to be able to afford one's guest a rare and beautiful entertainment1 one must dismiss the idea that a graceful and acceptable hospitality depends on material things4 ,sir ,launfal1 sharing his crust with the beggar at the gate1 was still ,sir ,launfal4 ,the impoverished hostess may preside at her frugal board with the spirit and the manner of a queen1 whereas the coarse-fibred vulgarian vainly heaps his platters with choicest game and rarest fruit1 the while he serves the banquet like the churl that he is4 ,whatever your entertainment1 rich or poor1 remember1 first of all1 to give yourself to your guest2 then1 if he is appreciative1 he will not criticise your simple dinner1 nor grumble at the flavor of your wine4 ,one of the wits of the day has gravely reported that at a banquet in the ,athens of ,america1 the menu consisted of two baked beans and readings from ,emerson4 ,despite its grotesque exaggeration1 the mot contains the kernel of a dignified truth3 that material things are of secondary importance on all social occasions worthy of the name4 ,the most expensive entertainment given by any one should be merely an incidental illustration of his already recognized financial means4 ,it should never be so beyond his usual ability as to arouse among his neighbors the wonder1 how he could afford it8 ,when people who are known to have only a moderate income give spreads disproportionate to their daily mode of living1 the thoughtful observer instinctively questions their taste and good sense4 ,usually such ostentatious display brings more or less derision on the ones who are foolish enough to spend more money to make their neighbors stare for a day than they use to make themselves comfortable for a year4 ,no matter how elaborate the entertainment the guests should not be allowed to suspect that their host has exhausted his resources1 or that he might not be able to do this same thing at any time that he chose4 ,as already suggested1 the character of the entertainment in a private house should never be such as to involve a total departure from the habitual customs of the household4 ,it is granted that provision must be made on a grander scale for larger numbers2 the quantity of things will necessarily be augmented1 and mere bulk wears a certain air of the imposing1 and when to this is added the vital element--the magnetism of a brilliant company--the participant will seem to breathe a rarified atmosphere1 and to an extent to be exalted above the level of everyday life4 ,yet that level should not be lost to sight nor cease to be the basis of measurement4 ,the quality of elegant serving and mannerly eating should be just what is every day observed at the family dinner of the same household4 ,the guest should get a correct idea of the home atmosphere of the house1 even though it be slightly congealed by the formality and reserve which the presence of strangers naturally inspires4 ,when people assume to entertain socially they should not give a false showing of themselves or of their means4 ,the proudest spirit acknowledges the limitations of poverty with dignified truthfulness2 it is the moral coward who seeks to hide these limitations by a greater display than his circumstances warrant4 ,and he reaps as he sows4 ,his entertainments fill an idle hour for the class of visitors who gravitate mainly to the supper-room1 while the giver of the feast1 under the tension of this social effort1 suffers a weariness of the spirit as well as of the flesh1 and gives a sigh of relief when the door closes upon the last guest1 and the pitiful farce is declared over4 ,we wonder ,why do they thus spend their strength for that which profiteth not8 ,surely1 few things in the course of a misspent life are less profitable than such over-strained efforts at showy entertainment4 ,the banquet hall deserted presents on the following day a grim reminder of the petty economies that for weeks hence must secretly be contrived in order to restore the balance of an overdrawn bank account4 ,the folly of living beyond one's means may have this extenuating feature1 that it is often an error due to generous1 though indiscreet impulse1 or to inexperience2 but the folly of spending money lavishly on a few ostentatious spreads that are beyond one's means has no redeeming points4 ,the deception seldom long deceives4 ,it is a social blunder1 the effect of which is to depreciate rather than to enhance the social importance of the family thus entertaining4 ,it will be understood that this refers to cases when the motive of extravagance is to gratify vanity4 ,it does not mean to imply that the ,christmas dinner1 or the birthday party1 or the wedding anniversary may not be a time when all the energies of a poor and usually frugal household may be concentrated to prepare for one occasion of feasting and rejoicing4 ,the ,cratchetts may have their roast goose2 even the ,micawbers may be indulged in their occasional banquet4 ,and the carefully planned birthday party may be all the more gratefully appreciated by the honored one when it is known that every choice provision for the occasion represents some thoughtful contriving and some self-sacrifice prompted by affection4 ,such occasions are red-letter days in the homes of people of limited means2 and pathos is never more delicately suggested than when the poor man forgets his poverty in the wealth of a home-gathering and a feast of remembrance4 ,let not a stranger intermeddle with their joy4 ,in the two cases the financial conditions may seem to be parallel1 but in essential spirit there is no resemblance4 ,what is done from sentiment and affection is above commercial measurement4 ,what is done for the sake of ostentation is1 by its own act1 made a legitimate object of popular criticism4 ,another point of good taste in entertaining is that one who is wealthier than others of his social circle should not conspicuously outshine his neighbors by giving them a kind and degree of entertainment which will make their return of civilities seem poor and mean by comparison4 ,unless the rich man is so greatly beyond others in the scale of wealth that comparisons cease to be odious1 it is more considerate for him to keep within the degree of expense and display possible to the average of his associates4 ,there is still another reason why the very rich should be chary of giving magnificent entertainments4 ,the dazzled community1 gazing spell-bound upon the spectacle of a flower-decked mansion1 brilliant with colored lights and echoing to bewildering strains of music1 is apt to forget1 in this aggregation of the energies of florist1 caterer1 and band-master1 the one man who is supposed to be1 but is not1 the author of this occasion4 ,george 7descanting on the glories of the crush of the season7--,the music--the champagne--the---- ,montague--,ah6 yes2 and how did 'mine host' bear himself8 ,george--,the host6 7ruefully74 ,b',jove6 ,i forgot to hunt him up6 ,unfortunately1 mine host had allowed his surroundings to belittle himself4 ,many a brilliant social event might properly be chronicled under the head-line3 ,total ,eclipse of the ,host6 so insignificant does the man become when he carries his standards of social entertaining in his pocket-book instead of in his brains4 ,however1 one need not be very rich in order to make this same mistake4 ,it is made every time that social life ceases to be social1 and becomes merely a contest of rival displays4 ,this folly is observed in small villages quite as often as in the metropolis4 ,in contrast1 how refreshing it is to cross the threshold of a refined and cultivated home1 and find awaiting us a cordial welcome and a genuine hospitality1 so true to its author's personality and environment that whether water or wine be offered we know not1 grateful that our host gives us his best1 whatever it is1 and1 best of all1 gives himself4 ,,afternoon ,,receptions ,,and ,,teas ,fashions in entertaining have changed within the memory of those now living4 ,once1 large parties were given1 hundreds of invitations were issued1 a house was crowded from veranda to attic1 and the occasion was one of the few notable social events of the season4 ,then came the fashion--partly for exclusiveness1 partly for novelty1 largely for convenience--of giving during the season several small parties or receptions1 which in the aggregate might include all of one's visiting list4 ,the disadvantage of this plan1 as an exclusive method of solving the problem of social entertaining1 was that slights were liable to occur1 and were sure to be bitterly felt and resented4 ,yet1 what was a hostess to do8 ,to go back to the old-time crowded party1 superadding the increased luxury of modern entertaining1 would be to re-establish an inconvenient and expensive fashion4 ,but some way must be devised to bring one's friends together1 in larger numbers1 and with more prompt and direct expression of hospitality and good fellowship than could be conveyed by the slow and stately process of a series of dinners4 ,necessity is the mother of invention4 ,someone1 probably having reflected upon the easy social character of the ,english five o'clock tea1 solved the problem for the ,american hostess by instituting the afternoon reception1 which1 somewhere between the hours of four and six1 summons a host of friends to cross one's threshold and meet informally1 chatting for a while over a sociable cup of tea1 each group giving place to others1 none crowding1 all at ease1 every one the recipient of a gracious welcome from the hostess1 who by the hospitality thus offered has tacitly placed each guest on her visiting list for the season4 ,the afternoon reception is much the same affair1 whether it be a tea merely1 or a musicale1 or a literary occasion4 ,if merely a reception1 conversation and the desultory chat of society1 the drifting about and the greeting of friends1 and incidentally the cup of tea and its dainty accessories1 fill a half-hour or so very pleasantly2 and though inconsequent so far as any plan or motive is concerned1 such meeting and mingling may have all the desired effect as a promoter of social pleasure and harmony4 ,when a musicale is given at these afternoon hours1 usually it is in honor of some brilliant amateur1 a pianist or singer1 or1 if the program is miscellaneous1 a gifted elocutionist4 ,or1 it is an occasion when some lion of the professional stage has been captured1 either socially or professionally1 and the hostess gives to her less fortunate friends an opportunity to see and hear at close range the celebrity usually visible only through opera-glasses and beyond the foot-lights4 ,or1 some lady of well-known musical taste may be the patron of some newly-arrived professor of music2 and she invites her musical friends to meet him1 with the benevolent purpose to give him a profitable introduction to a promising class of patrons4 ,when under any of these or similar conditions a formal program is arranged1 the hour is fixed1 and is stated on the invitation card2 as ,music at #d4 ,the guests should be prompt at the hour1 so that no interruption or confusion shall occur4 ,when the reception is merely social1 guests come and leave at any time within the hours specified on the invitation card2 as1 ,tea1 #d to #f4 ,when admitted to the house each one hands a card to the servant in waiting4 ,the guest repairs to the dressing-room to lay aside outer wraps1 and attend to any detail of the toilet which wind or accident may have disarranged4 ,upon entering the parlor each guest is greeted by the hostess1 who stands near the door1 surrounded by her aids4 ,if her husband's name appears on the card of invitation1 he1 also1 is in the receiving group1 contributing1 in so far as a man humbly may1 to the success of the occasion4 ,the aids1 besides assisting in receiving the guests1 are attentive to entertaining2 and they see that no shy person is overlooked in the invitation to partake of refreshments4 ,the tea is served in the same room when the guests are few1 and in another room of the suite if the reception is large4 ,usually a single table is set1 with coffee or chocolate at one end1 and tea at the other1 served by young ladies1 friends of the hostess4 ,to be invited to preside at the coffee urn1 or to manipulate the swinging tea-kettle1 is accounted a high compliment4 ,besides the tea1 the refreshments1 which are served from the table1 may be very thin slices of bread and butter1 or wafers1 or similar trifles2 but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal reception1 a more elaborate preparation is made2 bouillon1 oysters1 salads1 ice-cream and cakes1 delicate rolls and bon-bons may be offered4 ,the gradations by which the frugal tea passes into the superabundant supper are not easily classified4 ,each hostess will judge how much or how little prominence to give to these provisions for the inner man4 ,usually1 however1 very simple refreshments1 daintily served1 are all that is desirable1 as the guests go home to their dinners4 ,if a guest is a comparative stranger to others present1 she is at liberty to address any one in a chatty1 agreeable way1 without introduction4 ,also1 if any one observes another guest who seems to be alone and neglected1 it is a graceful and kind overture to open a pleasant conversation4 ,one should not linger too long at an afternoon tea4 ,three-quarters of an hour is a happy medium4 ,allied to the afternoon tea are various phases of informal daytime entertaining4 ,for example1 there is the shower for a bride-elect 7linen1 culinary1 or what you will74 ,a friend of the bride-to-be invites a coterie of girl friends to meet the guest of honor1 giving each girl time to provide some beautiful or useful gift1 the presentations to be made with amusing ceremonies4 ,the thimble bee1 a favorite diversion of the quiet matronly set1 each one bringing her own bit of needlework to while away an hour or so in pleasant conversation4 ,one of the number may read aloud1 with pauses for comment at will4 ,the thimble bee is a modern version of the good old-fashioned spend the afternoon and take tea4 ,both the shower and the thimble bee may be given in the forenoon1 if preferred4 ,,the ,,dinner ,,service ,,requisites ,,for ,,the ,,dining-,,table ,table-,linen1 etc4--,table-cloths of white damask1 double or single1 as fine as the owner's purse admits1 are used for the dinner-table1 with large square white napkins to correspond4 ,the table should first be covered with a mat of double-faced cotton flannel wide enough to fall six inches below the edge of the table1 all around4 ,this under mat greatly improves the appearance of the table-cloth1 which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft foundation4 ,besides1 the mat protects the table from too close contact with hot dishes4 ,small table mats for the purpose of protecting the cloth are not fashionable at present1 though many careful housekeepers retain them rather than risk injury to fine table linen4 ,carving-cloths are used when carving is done at the table1 but are not needed when dinner is served a la ,russe4 ,napkin rings are discarded by many who hold that a napkin should be used but once1 and must be re-laundried before reappearing on the table4 ,practically1 such a fastidious use of table linen would exhaust most linen supplies1 and overcrowd the laundry4 ,the neat use of a napkin renders this extreme nicety superfluous as a rule of home dining1 ,care should certainly be taken to remove all soiled table linen4 ,nothing is more disgusting than a dirty napkin1 but the snowy linen that comes spotless through one using may1 with propriety1 be retained in the ring to be used several times4 ,this1 of course1 refers to every-day dining at home4 ,on formal occasions no napkin rings appear on the table2 the napkins are always fresh1 and used for that time only4 ,at the close of the dinner they are left carelessly on the table2 not rolled or folded in any orderly shape4 ,small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of fruits4 ,fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls2 but these are not for utility1 the dinner napkin doing service1 while the embroidered fancy adds a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration4 ,china1 ,glassware1 ,cutlery1 ,silverware1 etc4--,chinaware for the dinner service should be of good quality4 ,fashions in china decoration are not fixed2 the fancy of the hour is constantly changing1 but a matched set is eminently proper for the dinner table1 leaving the harlequin china for luncheons and teas4 ,in the latter style the aim is to have no two pieces alike in decoration1 or at least1 to permit an unlimited variety2 a fashion that is very convenient when large quantities of dishes are liable to be needed4 ,but for a dinner served in orderly sequence1 the orderly correspondence of a handsome set seems more in keeping4 ,but even with this1 the harlequin idea may come in with the dessert2 fruit plates1 ice-cream sets1 after-dinner coffees1 etc41 may display any number of fantasies in shape and coloring4 ,artistic glassware is a very handsome feature of table furnishing4 ,carafes and goblets for water are always needed at dinner2 wine glasses1 possibly2 and the serving of fruits and bon-bons gives opportunity to display the most brilliant cut-glass1 or its comparatively inexpensive substitutes1 which are scarcely less pretty in effect4 ,fine glass is infinitely more elegant than common plated-ware1 and though more liable to breakage is less trouble to keep in order4 ,the best dinner-knife is of steel1 of good quality1 with handle of ivory1 ebony1 or silver4 ,silver-plated knives are much used2 they do not discolor so readily as steel1 and are easily kept polished4 ,they answer the purpose for luncheon1 but they rarely have edge enough to be really serviceable at dinner or breakfast4 ,many people who own solid silverware store it away in bank vaults and use its fac simile in quadruple plate1 and thus escape the constant dread of a possible burglar4 ,for the sense of security that it gives1 one may value the finest quality of plated ware1 but it should be inconspicuous in style and not too profuse in quantity1 since its utility1 rather than its commercial value1 should be suggested4 ,any ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar4 ,but one may take a pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver4 ,every ambitious housekeeper will devise ways of securing1 little by little1 if not all at once1 a neat collection of solid spoons and forks4 ,the simplest table takes on dignity when graced with these sterling accompaniments4 ,the fancy for collecting souvenir spoons1 one at a time1 suggests a way to secure a valuable lot of spoons without feeling the burden of the expense4 ,yet1 on the other hand1 these spoons are much more expensive than equally good plain silver1 the extra price being paid for the idea2 but the expenditure is worth while to those who value historical associations4 ,one may find in the silver-basket salient reminders of all important epochs in our national life1 a sort of primer of ,united ,states history1 to say nothing of the innumerable souvenirs of ,europe4 ,its subtle testimony to the intelligent taste of its owner gives the souvenir collection its chief touch of elegance4 ,the towering castor1 once the central glory of the dinner table1 is out of style4 ,the condiments are left on the sideboard1 and handed from there in case any dish requires them1 the supposition being that1 as a rule1 the several dishes are properly seasoned before they are served4 ,individual salt-cellars are placed on the table1 and may be accompanied with salt spoons2 if these are omitted1 it is understood that the salt-cellar is emptied and refilled each time that it is used4 ,on the family dinner-table the condiment line is not so severely drawn2 vinegar in cut-glass cruets1 mustard in ,satsuma pots1 and individual peppers--in silver1 china1 or glass1 and of quaint designs--are convenient and allowable4 ,a table covered with white damask1 overlaid with sparkling china and cut-glass1 and reflecting the white light of polished silver1 is a pretty but lifeless sight4 ,add one magic touch--the centre-piece of flowers--and the crystallized beauty wakes to organic life4 ,in arranging the modern dinner-table1 when the service is to be a la ,russe1 floral decorations are almost indispensable4 ,without something attractive for the eye to rest upon1 the desert stretch of linen looks like the white ghost of famine mocking the feast4 ,the shape of the table1 the available space1 and the nature of the occasion decide the quantity and distribution of the flowers4 ,it is a matter in which wide latitude is given to individual taste and ingenuity1 original designs and odd conceits being always in order1 subject only to the law of appropriateness4 ,for a square or extra wide table a large centre-piece1 either round or oblong1 is usually chosen1 with endless varieties in its component arrangement4 ,it may be low and flat1 like a floral mat1 in the middle of the table1 or it may be a lofty epergne1 or an inter-lacing of delicate vine-wreathed arches1 or a single basket of feathery maidenhair fern--in fact1 anything that is pretty and which the inspiration of the moment may suggest4 ,in early autumn1 in country homes or in suburban villas1 nothing is more effective than masses of golden-rod and purple asters1 gathered by the hostess or her guests during their afternoon drive1 and all the more satisfactory because of the pleasure taken in their impromptu arrangement4 ,wild flowers should be neatly trimmed and symmetrically grouped to avoid a ragged or weedy appearance4 ,fortunately1 even quite elaborate floral decorations need not be expensive4 ,nature has bestowed some of her choicest touches upon the lilies of the field1 and an artistic eye discerns their possibilities4 ,at the same time1 art in floriculture has produced marvels1 and those who can afford it may revel in mammoth roses and rare orchids1 lilies of the valley in ,november1 and red clovers in ,january1 if it please them to pay the florist's bill for the same4 ,for narrow extension tables1 slender vases ranged at intervals may be the most convenient disposition of the flowers2 or1 if the ends of the table are not occupied1 a broad1 low basket may stand at each end1 with a tall1 slender vase in the middle of the table4 ,on choice occasions a handsome centre-piece may be1 for example1 a large bowl of ,la ,france roses1 with small bundles of the same 7groups of three are pretty71 tied with ribbon of the same hue1 laid by each plate4 ,any other single flower may be disposed similarly1 or variety may rule1 and no two floral favors be alike1 in which case it is a delicate compliment to give to each guest a flower known to be a favorite1 or one that seems especially appropriate--a lily to ,lilian1 a daisy to ,marguerite1 etc4 ,these little marks of thoughtfulness never fail to be appreciated1 and add much to the grace of entertaining4 ,an elaborate centre-piece may stand upon a rich velvet mat1 or on a flat mirror provided for the purpose4 ,the latter is a clever idea for a centre-piece of pond-lilies or other aquatic plants1 simulating a miniature lake1 its edges fringed with moss or ferns4 ,,the ,,formal ,,arrangement ,,of ,,the ,,dinner-,,table ,the mat is first adjusted upon the table1 and the table-cloth smoothly and evenly laid over it4 ,the cloth should fall about half-way to the floor all around4 ,the floral accessories are then put in place2 and also the fruits and bon-bons1 which may be commingled with the flowers in working out a decorative design1 or they may be placed1 in ornamental dishes1 at the four corners of a wide table1 to balance the flowers in the centre2 or1 they may be arranged along the middle of a long table4 ,for fruit1 silver-gilt baskets1 or epergnes of glass are especially pretty4 ,the fruit may later constitute a part of the dessert1 or may be merely ornamental in its office4 ,carafes containing iced water are placed here and there on the table1 at convenient points4 ,the next step is the laying of the covers2 a cover signifying the place prepared for one person4 ,for a dinner in courses a cover consists of a small plate 7on which to set the oyster plate71 two large knives1 three large forks 7for the roast1 the game1 and entrees71 one small knife and fork 7for the fish71 one tablespoon 7for the soup71 one oyster-fork4 ,the knives and forks are laid at the right and left of the plate1 the oyster-fork and the spoon being conveniently to hand4 ,a glass goblet for water is set at the right1 about eight inches from the edge of the table2 if wine is to be served the requisite glasses are grouped about the water goblet4 ,the napkin is folded square1 with one fold turned back to inclose a thick piece of bread2 or1 the napkin may be folded into a triangle that will stand upright1 holding the bread within its folds4 ,this is the only way in which bread is put on the dinner-table1 though a plate of bread is on the sideboard to be handed to those who require a second piece4 ,it is entirely proper to ask for it1 when desired4 ,butter is not usually placed on the dinner-table1 but is handed from the sideboard if the menu includes dishes that require it2 as1 sweet corn1 sweet potatoes1 etc4 ,small butter-plates are included in the cover in such cases4 ,the oysters1 which form the initial course1 are usually on the table before the guests take their places4 ,a majolica plate1 containing four or six of the bivalves with a bit of lemon in the midst1 is placed at each cover2 or1 oyster cocktails may be served4 ,the soup tureen and plates are brought in to the side table4 ,all is now in readiness4 ,,the ,,arrival ,,of ,,guests--,,meanwhile ,while these preparations have been going on in the dining-room1 the guests have been assembling in the drawing-room4 ,it is proper to arrive from five to fifteen minutes before the hour mentioned in the invitation1 allowing time to pay respects to the host and hostess1 without haste of manner1 before the dinner is announced4 ,a gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner4 ,a lady wears a handsome gown1 dinner dress being full dress2 differing1 however1 from the evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used4 ,the most filmy gauzes are suitable for a ball costume2 while dinner dress--for any but very young ladies--is usually of more substantial materials--rich silk or velvet softened in effect with choice lace1 or made brilliant with jet trimmings4 ,when the dinner party is strictly formal1 and the company evenly matched in pairs1 the following order is observed3 ,each gentleman finds in the hall1 as he enters1 a card bearing his name and the name of the lady whom he is to take out2 also1 a small boutonniere1 which he pins on his coat4 ,if the lady is a stranger1 he asks to be presented to her1 and establishes an easy conversation before moving toward the dining-room4 ,,the ,,announcement ,,of ,,dinner ,when dinner is ready the fact is made known to the hostess by the butler1 or maid-servant1 who comes to the door and quietly says ,dinner is served4 ,a bell is never rung for dinner1 nor for any other formal meal4 ,the host leads the way1 taking out the lady who is given the place of first consideration2 the most distinguished woman1 the greatest stranger1 the most elderly--whatever the basis of distinction4 ,other couples follow in the order assigned to them1 each gentleman seating the lady on his right4 ,the hostess comes last1 with the most distinguished male guest4 ,if there is a footman1 or more than one1 the chairs are deftly placed for each guest2 but if only a maid is in waiting1 each gentleman arranges his own and his partner's chairs as quietly as possible4 ,as soon as the company are seated1 each one removes the bread2 and the napkin1 partially unfolded1 is laid across the lap4 ,it is not tucked in at the neck or the vest front1 or otherwise disposed as a feeding-bib4 ,it is a towel1 for wiping the lips and fingers in emergencies1 but should be used unobtrusively--not flourished like a flag of truce4 ,,the ,,serving ,,of ,,the ,,dinner ,the servant is ready to hand from the side-board any condiments desired for the oysters1 which are promptly disposed of4 ,it may be remarked at the outset1 that everything at table is handed at the left1 except wine1 which is offered at the right4 ,ladies are served first4 ,after the oyster-plates are removed1 the soup is served from the side table--a half ladleful to each plate being considered the correct quantity4 ,the rule regarding soup is double1 you must1 and you must not4 ,you must accept it 7whether you eat it or merely pretend to71 but you must not ask for a second helping1 since to do so would prolong a course that is merely an appetizer preparatory to the substantials4 ,the soup-plates are removed1 and the fish immediately appears1 served on plates with mashed potatoes or salad1 or sometimes both1 in which case a separate dish is provided for the salad4 ,the entrees follow the fish1 hot plates being provided1 as required4 ,dishes containing the entrees should have a large spoon and fork laid upon them1 and should be held low1 so that the guest may help himself easily4 ,again the dishes are removed4 ,here we may pause to remark that the prompt and orderly removal of the dishes after each successive course is a salient feature of skillful waiting4 ,the accomplished waiter never betrays haste or nervousness1 but his every movement tells1 and that1 too1 without clatter1 or the dropping of small articles1 or the dripping of sauces4 ,the plates1 etc41 vanish from the table--whither1 we observe not4 ,the waiter in the dining-room must have the co-operation of the servant behind the scenes1 to receive and convey the relays of dishes to the kitchen4 ,however it is managed1 and it must be managed1 the nearer the operation can appear to be a magic transformation1 the better4 ,to return2 the roast is the next course4 ,the carving is done at the side table4 ,guests are consulted as to their preference for rare or well-done2 and the meat1 in thin slices1 is served on hot plates1 with vegetables at discretion on the same plate1 separate vegetable dishes--except for salads--not being used on private dinner tables4 ,certain vegetables1 as sweet corn on the cob1 may be regarded as a course by themselves1 being too clumsy to be disposed of conveniently on a plate with other things4 ,the game course is next in order 7if it is included1 as it generally is in an elaborate dinner74 ,celery is an appropriate accompaniment of the game course4 ,the salad is sometimes served with the game2 otherwise it follows as a course by itself4 ,the salad marks the end of the heavy courses4 ,the crumb tray is brought1 and the table-cloth is cleared of all stray fragments4 ,a rolled napkin makes a quiet brush for this purpose1 especially on a finely polished damask cloth4 ,the dessert is now in order4 ,finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the dessert-plates4 ,each person at once removes the bowl and doyley to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate4 ,ices1 sweets 7pastry and confections71 cheese1 follow in course2 and1 finally1 the fruits and bon-bons4 ,strong coffee is served last of all1 in small cups4 ,fashion decrees cafe noir1 and few lovers of cream care to rebel on so formal an occasion as a dinner2 but when the formality is not too rigid1 the little cream jug may be smuggled in for those who prefer cafe au lait4 ,water is the staple drink of the ,american dinner-table4 ,a palatable table water1 like ,apollinaris1 well iced1 is an elegant substitute for wine when habit or conscience forbids the latter4 ,when wine is served with the different courses at dinner1 the appropriate use is as follows3 with soup1 sherry2 with the fish1 chablis1 hock1 or sauterne2 with the roast1 claret and champagne2 after the game course1 ,madeira and port2 with the dessert1 sherry1 claret1 or ,burgundy4 ,after dinner are served champagne and other sparkling wines1 just off the ice1 and served without decanting1 a napkin being wrapped around the wet bottle4 ,while wine may be accounted indispensable by many1 the growing sentiment in favor of its total banishment from the dinner-table has this effect on the etiquette of the case1 that the neglect to provide wine for even a very formal dinner is not now the breach of good form which it would have been held to be some years ago4 ,such neglect has been sanctioned by the example of acknowledged social leaders2 and when it is the exponent of a temperance principle it has the respect of every diner-out1 whatever his private choice in the matter4 ,no gentleman will grumble at the absence of wine at his host's table4 ,it is good form for a host to serve or not serve wine1 as he chooses2 it is very bad form for his guest to comment on his choice4 ,when any one who is conscientiously opposed to wine-drinking1 or for any reason abstains1 is present at a dinner where wine is served1 he declines it by simply laying his hand on the rim of his glass as the butler approaches4 ,no words are necessary4 ,apollinaris will take the place of stronger waters1 and no embarrassment follows to either host or guest4 ,as to the moral involved1 a silent example may be quite as influential as an aggressive exhibition of one's principles4 ,questions of manners and morals are constantly elbowing one another1 and it is a nice point to decide when and how far duty requires one to defy conventionality4 ,it is safe to say that only in extreme cases is this ever necessary1 or even permissible4 ,the hostess who simply does not offer wine to any guest under any circumstances1 is using her influence effectively and courteously1 especially when she supplies the deficiency with delicious coffee and cocoa1 fragrant tea1 and1 best and rarest of all1 crystal clear1 sparkling cold water4 ,by pointing out a more excellent way1 she is adding to her faith virtue4 ,,miscellaneous ,,points ,extra knives and forks are brought in with any course that requires them4 ,the preliminary lay-out is usually meant to provide all that the scheme of the dinner will call for2 but one must have a goodly supply of silver and cutlery to avoid altogether the necessity for having some of it washed and returned to the table during the progress of the dinner4 ,it is very desirable to be amply equipped1 as it facilitates the prompt and orderly serving of the courses4 ,fruit-knives are required1 and ice-spoons1 orange-spoons1 and other unique conceits in silver utensils may be provided with the dessert1 if one happens to own them2 otherwise1 plain forks and spoons do duty as required4 ,the fork bears the chief burden of responsibility1 being used for everything solid or semi-solid1 leaving the spoon to the limited realm of soft custards and fruits that are so juicy as to elude the tines of the fork4 ,the knife is held in hand as little as possible1 being used only when cutting is actually necessary1 the fork easily separating most vegetables1 etc4 ,in the fish course1 however1 the knife is used to assist in removing the troublesome small bones4 ,in holding the knife the fingers should not touch the blade1 except that the forefinger rests upon the upper edge not far below the shank when the cutting requires some firmness of pressure4 ,the dinner knife should be sharp enough to perform its office without too much muscular effort1 or the possible accident of a duck's wing flying unexpectedly from cover under the ill-directed stress of a despairing carver's hand4 ,i have seen the component parts of a fricasseed chicken leave the table1 not untouched--oh6 no2 every one had been sawing at it for a half-hour--but uneaten it certainly was1 for obvious reasons4 ,the cutlery was pretty1 but practically unequal to even spring chicken4 ,the fork is held with the tines curving downward1 that position giving greater security to the morsel1 and is raised laterally1 the points being turned1 as it reaches the mouth1 just enough to deposit the morsel between the slightly-parted lips4 ,during this easy movement the elbow scarcely moves from its position at the side1 a fact gratefully appreciated by one's next neighbor4 ,what is more awkward than the arm projected1 holding the fork pointing backward at a right angle to the lips1 the mouth opening wide like an automatic railway gate to an approaching locomotive--the labored and ostentatious way in which food is sometimes transported to its destination8 ,nor1 once in the mouth1 is it lost to sight forever4 ,other people1 seated opposite1 are compelled to witness it in successive stages of the grinding process1 as exhibited by the constant opening and shutting of the mouth during mastication1 or laughing and talking with the mouth full--faults of heedless people of energetic but not refined manners4 ,liquids are sipped from the side of the spoon1 without noise or suction4 ,in serving vegetables the tablespoon is inserted laterally1 not point first4 ,celery is held in the fingers1 asparagus also1 unless the stalks are too tender4 ,green corn may be eaten from the cob1 a good set of natural teeth being the prime requisite4 ,it may be a perfectly graceful performance if daintily managed4 ,the management of fruits in the dessert is another test of dainty skill4 ,oranges may be eaten in different ways4 ,very juicy fruit may be cut in halves across the sections and scooped out with a spoon4 ,the drier seedless oranges are better peeled and separated4 ,with a fruit knife1 remove the tough skin of each peg1 leaving enough dry fiber to hold it by1 in conveying it to the mouth4 ,practice enables one easily to make way with an orange4 ,bananas are cut in two1 the skin removed2 the fruit is held in the fingers1 or--preferably--eaten with a fork4 ,juicy pears and peaches may be managed in the same way1 at discretion1 the rule being that the fingers should touch as little as possible fruits that are decidedly mushy4 ,the finger-bowl stands ready to repair all damages of the nature suggested4 ,the fingers are dipped in the water and gently rinsed1 and then passed lightly over the lips1 and both mouth and fingers are wiped upon the napkin4 ,at a signal from the hostess1 the ladies rise and return to the drawing-room4 ,the gentlemen follow immediately1 or remain a short time for another glass of wine1 when such is the provision of the host4 ,,dinner-,,table ,,talk ,the conversation at the dinner-table should be general1 unless the company is large1 and the table too long to admit of it4 ,but in any case1 each one is responsible first of all for keeping up a pleasant chat with his or her partner1 and not allowing that one to be neglected while attention is riveted on some aggressively brilliant talker at the other end of the table4 ,no matter how uninteresting one's partner may be1 one must be thoughtful and entertaining2 and such kind attention may win the life-long gratitude of a timid debutante1 or the equally unsophisticated country cousin4 ,dinner-table talk should be affable4 ,the host and hostess must be alert to turn the conversation from channels that threaten to lead to antagonisms of opinion2 and each guest should feel that it is more important just now to make other people happy than to gratify his impulse to floor them on the tariff question4 ,in short1 at dinner1 as under most social conditions1 the watchword ever in mind should be1 ,not to myself alone4 ,,informal ,,dinners ,the informal dinner1 daily served in thousands of refined ,american homes1 is a much less pretentious affair than the name dinner technically implies4 ,in most cases the service is but partially a la ,russe1 most courses1 and all the entrees1 being set on the table1 the serving and helping being done by some member of the family2 the presence of a waitress being sometimes dispensed with except at transition points2 as1 when the table is cleared before the dessert4 ,this formality is the most decided dinner feature of the meal1 which throughout its progress has been conducted more like a luncheon4 ,yet1 in all essential points of mannerliness1 the family dinner is governed by the same rules that control the formal banquet4 ,it is perhaps needless to remark that the diner a la ,russe in its perfection cannot be carried out without a number of competent servants4 ,these may be hired when some special occasion warrants extra preparations for due formality4 ,but for customary entertaining1 those who live quietly1 with possibly but one domestic to assist with the dinner1 will show good sense in not attempting anything more imposing than they are able to compass successfully4 ,the family dinner has a dignity of its own when in keeping with all the conditions2 and though its menu may be simple1 its service unpretentious1 it may be the gracious exponent of a hospitality fit for a king4 ,at the informal dinner it is customary to seat the guests in the order in which they enter the dining-room1 without assigning any place of distinction2 all the places at table being held of equal honor--comfort and convenience being the things chiefly considered4 ,,luncheons ,the most elastic word in the whole vocabulary of entertaining is the term luncheon4 ,it is applied to a mid-day meal occurring any time between #aa ,a4 ,m4 and #c ,p4 ,m41 and may mean anything1 from a brilliant a la ,russe banquet1 to the hastily gathered together fragments left from yesterday's dinner4 ,it may describe an hour of absolute leisure1 and the most delightful conversational interchange1 or it may signify the five minutes' grab from the side-board between the games of a closely-contested amateur tennis tournament4 ,in general1 we may say that the most formal of luncheons1 resembling the dinner in the main features of its serving1 has these points of distinction2 the number of guests is irregular1 usually uncertain1 they go to the table singly2 they come dressed in any way that the hour of the day1 or their recent occupations warrant--men dropping in dressed for business or sporting1 and ladies in promenade costumes1 with bonnets or hats2 the hour is not rigidly fixed1--luncheon1 being largely of cold dishes1 is not spoiled by a half-hour's tardiness--a late comer is greeted as cordially as the first arrival2 and the more the merrier seems to be the motto of the hostess who keeps open house at luncheon time4 ,the formal luncheons for which engraved invitations are issued1 are usually ladies' luncheons2 and the formality of the serving is equalled by the elegance of the toilets4 ,men have little leisure for day-time entertainments1 except during the brief outing at some summer resort1 where the easy-going lunch is the ruling fashion4 ,the menu of the cold luncheon may present great variety1 and provide for many guests with little trouble4 ,for a smaller1 or more definite1 number a hot luncheon may be prepared--a tender steak with mashed potatoes and asparagus1 or something equally simple--and a dessert of cakes1 ice-cream1 and fruits2 in all respects a little informal dinner4 ,the large buffet luncheon1 like the four o'clock tea1 gives opportunity for displaying all the pretty china that one owns4 ,flowers and fruits may decorate the table or tables1 and the most artistic effects may be secured by a little attention to blending and grouping4 ,a hostess who knows how can make her rooms look like a festal bower for these occasions without much money outlay2 and if she also is clever in the compounding of made dishes and salads1 she can give luncheons that are remembered as the epitome of good style1 albeit the bills for the same were surprisingly small4 ,such a gifted woman enjoys a sense of exultation that is unknown to her richer sister1 who merely fills out a cheque for the cost and leaves all else to the caterer1 as one must1 when the luncheon is given at a club or tea room4 ,in general1 the buffet luncheon is much the same on all occasions1 when entertaining large companies at home4 ,the difference is not so much in the way of serving1 as in the kind of refreshments proffered4 ,the tea may be a light affair1 if you will2 merely a bit and a sip for good fellowship4 ,but the luncheon is one of the solid meals of the day1 requiring something substantial4 ,such sustaining things as chicken salad1 appetizing sandwiches1 bouillon 7hot or jellied71 cold sliced ham1 with relishes1 as celery1 olives1 seasonable fruits1 etc41 satisfy the normal hunger at noontime2 and delicious cakes and ices with coffee make a festal finale4 ,almost any attractive luncheon dish may be included1 preferably things that are not hurt by standing2 as the luncheon service for a large party fills an hour or two4 ,for this reason1 coffee is the most manageable beverage to serve4 ,the refreshments are arranged on the dining-table4 ,a fine table-cloth may be used2 or handsome doylies if the table itself is of handsome finish4 ,the salad bowl is set on one side1 the platters of sandwiches1 etc41 on the other2 with the coffee urn at one end1 the ices at the other1 if there is room2 otherwise1 the cake and ices are served from a side table4 ,another side table is desirable1 to hold the stacks of dishes and napkins4 ,as the hostess must give her entire attention to receiving her guests1 she intrusts the oversight of the dining-room to several matrons1 who are aided by a bevy of the younger girls 7the young men also1 at an evening party74 ,at the proper time these young people pass the napkins and plates 7usually with the salad already served7 to the guests scattered around the rooms4 ,other things are promptly brought1 the coffee being served immediately after1 by another set of helpers4 ,since all cannot be seated1 small tables placed here and there in the suite of rooms will give the standing ones a chance to set a coffee cup down now and then4 ,candy in tiny reception sticks may be passed with the cake2 or bonbon dishes may be set in unexpected places about the rooms1 where any one who discovers them may nibble at will4 ,the family waitress1 with extra help if needed1 should be in attendance near the dining-room exit1 to receive the used dishes and remove them at once from the scene4 ,this is a nice point2 for a congestion of dishes in the dining-room spoils the effect of an otherwise well-managed service4 ,the maid will also keep the stack of plates1 etc41 replenished2 and she will carry back and forth from the pantry the salad bowl and platters for replenishing4 ,cutlery is limited to a fork for the salad1 a spoon for the coffee1 and a fork or spoon for the ice cream4 ,the ices may be in fancy individual shapes1 if one chooses to take that much trouble2 but the brick1 brought in ready sliced for serving1 is always suitable1 and easier to manage4 ,much of this is so generally understood that further details seem superfluous4 ,the least experienced hostess need not be overanxious about small points1 if the general order is observed2 for luncheon guests are a genial crowd1 and nobody notices little mishaps4 ,i am assuming that your guests are all very nice people1 in sympathy with you1 and aiding you to the extent of their ability to make things pleasant4 ,those who have this sincere disposition need no instruction in behavior4 ,each one's conduct will be guided by her own instinctive sense of propriety4 ,one who is habitually polite is not likely to make any blunders at a luncheon1 since there are no rigid conventionalities to be infringed4 ,if the luncheon hour is much past noon1 the guests should be careful not to remain too long after1 as they might thus be detaining the hostess from later afternoon engagements4 ,,suppers ,a supper is a late evening meal1 and may be an entertainment by itself1 or be served in connection with some social event4 ,a supper is understood to consist prevailingly of hot dishes1 which distinguishes the supper from the collation--which might be served on similar occasions--and which is mainly of cold dishes4 ,the distinction is not absolute1 however4 ,a formal supper1 or banquet1 is served a la ,russe1 and resembles the dinner in its general conduct2 but instead of the heavy roast and vegetables1 the game is the conspicuous course1 and various preparations of oysters1 lobster1 terrapin1 etc41 crowd the menu card1 with salads of all kinds4 ,nine o'clock is a fashionable hour for the sit-down supper4 ,the supper served at a dance or a reception is timed to suit the leading features of the evening4 ,the menu for these crush suppers covers the ground of the hot supper and the cold collation combined1 and there are few things within the range of dainty cookery that are not permissible4 ,the most social and enjoyable suppers--with the doctor's permission--are those that are served an home after the hostess and her guests have returned from the theatre or opera1 lecture or concert4 ,tiny biscuit1 sandwiches1 fried oysters1 chicken salad1 and golden coffee1 with ice-cream and some superior cake1 served like a luncheon1 make a supper easily arranged1 and one which winds up a pleasant evening in a very satisfactory way4 ,,breakfasts ,a formal breakfast has little distinctive character4 ,it differs very slightly from an early luncheon1 except that the viands are more distinctly breakfast dishes2 as1 toast1 hot muffins1 omelettes and other preparations of eggs1 delicate farinaceous foods1 cafe au lait1 etc4 ,if it is the veritable breaking of the fast the guests must be very late risers indeed1 as #aa o'clock1 or even #ab1 noon1 is a fashionable hour for this so-called breakfast1 which is a phase of social entertaining reserved for the leisure class1 or only at odd intervals possible to people of active pursuits4 ,the morning hours are precious to the hurried man of business1 and the care-environed housekeeper2 and promptness and dispatch is the motto of the breakfast table in most houses4 ,the real breakfast of everyday life is the meal where we least expect to meet guests--unless it be some one who is staying at the house4 ,it is a rare thing for a friend to drop in to breakfast1 and to invite him to do so is perhaps the rarest expression of hospitality1 and will probably remain so1 while we remain a nation of brain and hand workers4 ,during the summer vacation1 when we pause for a breathing spell1 no more charming hospitality can be offered than a dainty breakfast1 especially in the country4 ,it may be the preliminary to an all-day house party1 or a picnic excursion2 or the breakfast may be the goal of an early morning drive by carriage or motor1 and the hour may be early or late1 just as you please2 for is not vacation a period of emancipation from the tyranny of the clock8 ,but let not the hour be too early1 for tired people are heavy sleepers2 yet not too late either1 lest the heat of the sun may have become too suggestive of the approaching noon-tide2 late enough for weary eyelids to unclose willingly1 early enough for the fresh dewy odor still to cling to the vines on the porch4 ,the conventional breakfast in town is given very seldom as compared with dinners and luncheons4 ,it is peculiarly a holiday hospitality1 reserved until the men are at leisure2 for breakfast without the man of the house would be ,hamlet with the prince left out4 ,there is another significant distinction3 the guests are chosen from the inner circle4 ,when1 on ,christmas morning1 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,a4 entertain ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,b4 and ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,c4 at breakfast1 we infer at once their intimate friendship and congenial companionship4 ,one may lunch impersonally with comparative strangers2 one may dine formally touching elbows with one's dearest foe but one does not of choice breakfast with any one but a friend1 or a friend of a friend--graciously accepted on trust4 ,breakfast is the most intimate breaking of bread2 not even the festive elaboration can make the friendly breakfast seem like anything but playing at formality4 ,the service is essentially the same as it usually is in that household1 except that the children are not at the table4 ,the more homelike it is1 the better2 for home atmosphere is revealed as at no other meal1 and on no other occasion can a visitor be made to feel so entirely one of the family4 ,the guests remain but a short time after a breakfast1 chatting in a leisurely way1 but leaving rather promptly4 ,the problem of the family breakfast is complicated by the modern stress of business life4 ,in suburban towns the typical commuter must flee away with little ceremony2 for the #g3jh will not wait1 and the #g3aj is a way train4 ,in most families breakfast is on the ,european plan1 so to speak4 ,for this very reason1 perhaps1 the occasional holiday breakfast is the more attractive4 ,with no train to catch1 no boat to make1 no office hours to keep1 no demon of driving work to lash one to the treadmill1 how delightful to be able to breakfast with the serenity of the genial ,autocrat himself2 and how very odd it seems to find oneself sociably disposed at this unwonted hour6 ,may it not convey the gentle admonition that we might be more social every day1 if we only thought so8 ,psychologically1 the breakfast is peculiar4 ,it is the first commingling of the day2 and whether it be the late holiday feast1 or the usual family gathering1 it sets the pace for the twenty-four hours4 ,a cheerful start in the morning may give an optimistic momentum for all-day hill-climbing2 or1 one may slip dejectedly down hill if leaden-weighted with a morning grouch 7one's own1 or somebody else's74 ,even fellow boarders might reflect on this1 with profit4 ,preoccupied with our own affairs1 we forget to be mutually considerate4 ,we habitually wake to rush and worry1 taking social recreation chiefly at the close of day1 when too weary to appreciate it4 ,might it not sometimes be well to get ourselves into a good humor the first thing in the morning1 and then work afterward8 ,few people are of such a happy1 self-contained disposition that they do not need the sustaining influence of other cheerful spirits4 ,most of us would have more of sunshine in our hearts if the first business of the morning had been to put ourselves in harmony with our fellow-creatures socially4 ,and if we cannot do this every day1 nor even often1 according to our ideal1 we at least doubly appreciate the rare occasions when it has been possible1 and we feel impulsively grateful to the hostess whose thoughtful kindness has made our holiday so bright at its dawning4 ,other ways of entertaining may be more imposing2 none are more delightful4 ,bid whom you will to dine with you1 but ask me to breakfast4 ,,evening ,,parties ,this general term includes a variety of social entertainments1 and suggests all degrees of formality1 from the stately reception to the surprise party4 ,with a range so varied1 classification is not readily made4 ,some features are always present3 a host and hostess always receive2 a guest always first pays his respects to his entertainers1 and then mingles agreeably with the throng4 ,he makes himself useful in any way that tact and courtesy suggest4 ,supper is served1 usually the buffet collation4 ,it is more formal1 and less confusing1 if the guests go to the dining-room--convenient numbers at a time--instead of being served in the parlors1 as at a luncheon4 ,on formal occasions professional readers and musicians are often engaged as entertainers4 ,sometimes the amusement is furnished by clever amateurs among the guests1 who may read1 sing1 or whistle1 or what not4 ,in a circle where all are well acquainted1 some of the pleasantest evening parties are those to the success of which each one contributes his mite1 cheerfully singing in the chorus when nature has denied him a solo voice1 and not allowing any dark jealousy of superior gifts to deprive the harmony of his one little note4 ,invitations to these informal parties are cordial and personal in tone4 ,if the guest is expected to make preparation1 in costume or to fill some part on the programme1 that fact is briefly stated4 ,for practical suggestions1 consult ,parlor ,games1 adding any novel features that you can devise4 ,a hostess with original ideas for entertainments is always successful and popular4 ,elderly people as well as the young enjoy these parties2 and they are a safe resource for mixed companies1 when a form of entertainment must be chosen that will please all and offend none4 ,children's parties1 usually afternoon affairs1 are often merely childish good times2 but again1 they are conducted in close imitation of an evening party for adults1 and thus made a means of education in the social ceremonial4 ,when sensibly managed1 the children's party affords a fine opportunity for training the little people in polite manners4 ,when the children are almost grown up1 but not out1 pleasant little parties for the younger set are given by the mothers1 to accustom the buds to conventionalities1 and prepare the debutantes and their young brothers to take their place gracefully in the larger social world4 ,these younger-set parties are like a grown-up party1 except that they are conspicuously chaperoned1 and all responsibility is assumed by the mothers and godmothers4 ,the two extreme phases of the evening party are the conventional ball1 and the rural sociable4 ,the special requirements for a ball are good music1 and large well-ventilated rooms1 from which all superfluous furniture has been removed4 ,for music1 an orchestra of four or six pieces may be sufficient4 ,for space1 we must make the best of what we have1 if the ball is given at home4 ,this is practicable only where the rooms are reasonably spacious4 ,nowadays1 a ball in a private house is rare1 for hotels1 clubs1 and first class caterers furnish charming ballrooms for rental to exclusive patrons4 ,but whether in her own house or in a hired ballroom1 the hostess is for the time at home2 and the general conduct of the ball is the same in both cases4 ,decorations1 floral and otherwise1 are important2 and a supper1 served either during the progress1 or at the close of the dance--or both--is an indispensable feature4 ,the guests arrive at the hour designated1 not earlier than nine o'clock4 ,the hostess is stationed at some point near the entrance of the drawing-room1 where she remains during the evening to receive the guests1 who must pay their respects to her1 first of all4 ,a gentleman will also lose no time in finding his host1 and paying him the courtesy of a deferential greeting4 ,as the hostess cannot delegate her special duty of receiving1 she has usually several aids1 young matrons1 who keep a watchful eye upon the dancing throng1 and see to it that partners are not lacking for those who might otherwise be overlooked2 and in any way that the emergency may suggest1 or tact devise1 they radiate the hospitality from its centre--the hostess4 ,a gentleman in ,american society does not ask a lady to dance until he has been introduced to her4 ,he may seek an introduction for this purpose1 or the hostess may request him to be introduced4 ,in either case1 the lady and the gentleman both cheerfully acquiesce4 ,a lady usually accepts the invitation to dance1 unless the dance is already engaged4 ,she should be careful to inspect her tablets2 and not promise the same dance to two different partners1 an awkward accident that sometimes happens to a heedless belle4 ,after a dance1 a gentleman promenades with his partner1 chats with her for awhile1 and1 finally1 with a graceful bow1 leaves her once more in the care of her chaperone4 ,if a man has made an engagement to take a particular lady out to supper1 he must not forget himself and linger talking to another lady until supper is fairly announced1 since etiquette then requires him to take out the lady with whom he is at the moment talking4 ,he should seek the one he has chosen1 some moments before1 and leave the other lady free to receive other invitations to supper4 ,any gentleman who observes a lady who is not being served with refreshments1 should courteously offer to bring her something4 ,if he is a total stranger he will attempt no conversation beyond the civilities of the case2 but these he will cordially though unobtrusively offer4 ,the young man who does these little things with the gentle grace of a knight errant1 may not know that he is simply charming1 from a woman's standpoint2 but the fact remains4 ,a ball1 proper1 is a strictly formal affair4 ,a dancing party1 while observing similar regulations on the dancing floor1 may be1 in the social intervals between dances1 as informal as a village sociable4 ,that is to say1 as informal as the sociable ever ought to be2 possibly not as informal as the sociable sometimes is4 ,people who have grown up together1 as villagers often have1 are apt to consider a life-long acquaintance the proper basis for unlimited off-hand familiarity4 ,to a certain extent1 and in a certain sense1 such acquaintance1 being second in intimacy only to near relationship1 does warrant a cordial and trustful informality4 ,the cautious reserve that marks one's conduct toward a recent acquaintance might justly be resented by a tried and trusted friend of one's youth4 ,but even relationship does not warrant undignified behavior1 or rude liberties of speech or action4 ,the boy and girl who went to school together grow up to be the young man and woman of society2 and while the memory of school days is a bond of hearty friendliness between them1 it is not necessary that they should evince their mutual regard by a free-and-easy demeanor4 ,country sociables1 attended largely by the younger members of families long acquainted and associated1 are apt to be rather rollicking1 not to say rough and tumble1 affairs1 where practical jokes and unmerciful guying are the characteristic wit1 and such smart tricks as bumping an unsuspecting comrade's head against the wall are applauded with shrieks of admiring laughter4 ,the onlookers may be excused for their tacit countenance of the rudeness1 since some element of drollery--that might have been wit1 under better conditions--compels a smile1 in spite of a dignified disapproval of the performance4 ,a young student1 unused to such scenes1 standing a little apart from such a group once remarked judicially to a lady near him1 ,i do not care for such dare-devil sociability4 ,nor would other young people cherish it as their ideal of a good time if they could learn how much more charming altogether it is to exchange the delicate courtesies that make up refined social companionship4 ,the difference in social culture is what distinguishes the vulgar wag from the urban wit4 ,the crude humor of the former1 often marred by coarseness1 is like ore in which the dross greatly out-weighs the pure metal4 ,the brilliant mots of the latter1 refined by the processes of culture1 are like the gold nuggets separated from their base surroundings4 ,how to eliminate the dare-devil from the sociability of country life1 without substituting an artificial stiffness1 is the problem for every thoughtful and refined man and woman in rural circles4 ,how to be kindly affectioned one to another1 in brotherly love1 in honor preferring one another--perhaps that would furnish the keynote of it all1 alike for the citizen and the rustic4 ,,the ,,twentieth ,,century ,the preceding chapters describe established customs in home entertaining4 ,such rules remain in force for the home conditions4 ,but who can live in this electric-motor age without noting the gradual variation in the ways of doing things--changes that are directly traceable to the influence of modern inventions8 ,the trolley lines have brought large areas within the city limits2 the swift automobile has reduced miles to furlongs4 ,town and country are intermingled as never before1 and each is sensibly modified by the other4 ,by its very name1 the ,town and ,country club recognizes this new community of interests4 ,its members1 living even twenty miles away1 outdo ,sheridan's ride1 in arriving at the club on time for luncheon1 golf1 or dinner4 ,which brings to mind this fact3 that to-day a large part of formal entertaining in cities is no longer at home4 ,elaborate dinners1 teas1 and luncheons are given at one's club1 or at cafes1 exclusive tea rooms1 and in the elegantly appointed private dining-rooms now provided by the best hotels4 ,after-theatre suppers are almost invariably taken at a fashionable restaurant--doubtless greatly to the relief of both the hostess and her housemaids4 ,while cooperative housekeeping is still an undeveloped scheme1 things seem to be trending that way4 ,the multiplication of huge apartment houses 7and diminutive apartments7 is the other prime factor in the case4 ,while the hotel dinner may have come into fashion first as the dire necessity of the cliff dwellers1 its convenience appeals to many householders who formerly would not have dreamed of offering their guests the hospitality of a cafe4 ,many conservative people still deplore the innovation2 but fashion approves1 and the custom grows4 ,entertaining at one's club is governed by the rules of that particular club4 ,when entertaining at tea rooms1 or cafes1 one has simply to arrange with the superintendent or the head waiter1 for tables or private dining-room1 for the date chosen2 to choose the menu1 and order the decorations4 ,this done1 the entertainers and their friends have but to appear at the stated hour and play their respective roles with care-free grace4 ,these dinners may be given by a bachelor1 to a mixed company1 or to a bevy of the debutantes1 with the co-operation of a society matron or a married couple to chaperone the affair4 ,this is a very pleasant way for a bachelor to make return for the social attentions showered on himself4 ,this way of entertaining may be lavishly expensive1 but it is not necessarily so2 all things considered1 it may not greatly exceed the cost of similar entertaining at home4 ,in this land of the free1 any one who will may give a tea room luncheon4 ,but the semi-publicity of these functions invites criticism2 and people of moderate income discreetly forbear attempting anything too ambitious for their obvious means4 ,elegant simplicity is always good form4 ,the universal use of the telephone is another factor in the modification of social customs4 ,among familiar friends1 the little chat over the 'phone largely takes the place of the informal call4 ,also1 invitations to any but strictly formal functions are now sent by telephone1 if agreeable to both parties2 though it is still considered better to adhere to the more respectful written form if there is any doubt about the new way being acceptable to the party of the second part4 ,while ,i counsel conservatism in these changes1 ,i am convinced that the new dynasty of wire and wireless is destined to dominate us2 and as discovery continues and inventions multiply1 the time is near when immediate communication will be had at long range2 possibly telepathy--who knows8 ,or1 possibly tele-photography with it--why not8 ,then1 the slow1 laborious writing of messages will be as much out of date as the super-annuated stage-coach4 ,but--not yet2 we are still in the process of evolution4 ,it is still safe to heed ,pope's famous advice3 ,be not the first by whom the new is tried1 ,nor yet the last to lay the old aside4 ,,the ,,stranger ,,that ,,is ,,within ,,thy ,,gates ,it is the duty of the host or hostess to give a polite and cheerful welcome to the guest whom they have invited to cross their threshold4 ,during the time that she remains under their roof they have the responsibility of making her comfortable1 and as happy as possible4 ,to do this1 attention to details is of the greatest consequence4 ,it is possible to give dinners1 and musicales1 and receptions for a guest1 and to introduce her to a choice circle of friends2 to plan drives and excursions for sight-seeing to points of interest2 to bring out the best preserves from the store-room1 and put on the table all the delicacies of the season2 and yet something may be lacking4 ,a subtle expression of discomfort may at times cloud the face of the guest1 and greatly disturb the anxious hostess1 who redoubles her efforts to think of something else in the way of entertainment and diversion4 ,if this well-meaning hostess will accompany me to the guest-room while its temporary occupant is reading on the front porch1 perhaps ,i can point out to her some things that will give a clue to the mystery4 ,the guest-room is large and airy1 and well-furnished1 as the phrase goes1 with a soft carpet prevailingly blue1 and a prettily carved oaken set4 ,the bed is covered with a lace counterpane over a blue silk quilt1 and downy pillows invite to slumber4 ,curtains of blue silk and white lace are draped at the windows2 cushions1 tidies1 sachets1 gim-cracks of every description load the bureau1 and lie around in profusion2 a pretty rug of fluffy fur is spread before a comfortable couch1 and a rocking-chair and foot-stool are in the cozy window recess4 ,a small table with a vase of flowers upon it occupies one space against the wall4 ,the wash-stand bears the regulation toilet set1 bowl and pitcher1 soap-dish1 etc41 with the china jar set in the corner4 ,plenty of damask towels hang on the rack1 and the splasher is a marvel of needlework4 ,well1 is not this a pretty comfortable room8 ,it seems ungracious to answer nay2 but truth compels me to say that it proves to be a most uncomfortable room1 as managed4 ,since the guest arrived1 this three-quart pitcher has been filled each morning with cold water4 ,beyond this1 no offer of the aqueous element in any form has been made4 ,the guest1 accustomed at home to an abundance of hot water1 and the luxury of a bath daily--or oftener1 at will--has been suffering the greatest privation rather than trouble her hostess with a request for something which is so evidently not thought of in this house4 ,with soap that chaps1 and a stiff nail-brush she has painfully scrubbed her cold knuckles to remove the grime which several days of imperfect ablution has rendered almost immovable--except as the skin comes with it4 ,and as to her customary bath1 she has substituted so much of hasty sponging as chattering teeth will allow1 finishing off with a dry polish when prudence forbids further risk of a chill2 and she has completed her toilet with a sense of self-disgust1 and a dissatisfaction with her surroundings which makes her long for the day set for the termination if this visit1 which might have been so pleasant1 if she had been made physically comfortable4 ,when she goes home she will answer1 to the kind inquiries of her mother3 ,oh6 yes2 ,i had a lovely time6--or that is1 ,i should have had1 if only ,i could have had a bath6 ,whether it is that some people do not care for bathing1 and therefore do not realize its necessity to the comfort of other people2 or whether they have an idea that a guest is a being who1 while in that role1 needs none of the ordinary comforts of every-day life2 or1 whatever the reason may be1 this failure to provide bath facilities is one of the most common and flagrant neglects of hospitality4 ,when the guest-room has no private bath attached1 and it is impracticable to offer the use of the family bath-room1 a small tub of zinc or granite ware should be included in the furnishing of the guest-room1 together with a square of thin oil-cloth to spread on the carpet4 ,the guest should be informed that hot water is always in readiness to be brought to her room whenever she requires it4 ,in country houses having no modern conveniences1 every kitchen stove may have an ample boiler always filled with clean water1 so that at all times hot water may be available for bathing purposes4 ,it is unpardonable to live without at least this much provision for an essential condition of civilized life--the cleanliness that is next to godliness4 ,in addition to the water supply1 the guest-room should contain other requisites for a comfortable toilet4 ,presumably1 every guest who comes for a several-days' stay brings with her the small articles she will need2 but oversights are frequent in hurried packing1 and the resources of the guest-room should be equal to any such emergency1 even though only a part of the provision is required in any one case4 ,a neat1 close cabinet1 with a closet beneath and shelves above1 is a desirable piece of furniture4 ,in the closet the bath-tub can be stored1 and bath-brushes1 loofahs1 and sponges can be hung up while the shelves may hold a supply of toilet sundries2 for example1 a flask of bay rum1 and one of violet-water2 a bottle of spirits of ammonia1 a bottle of alcohol1 a spirit lamp and curling tongs1 tooth-powder1 rosewater1 and glycerine2 a jar of fine cold-cream1 hair-brush and combs1 a clothes-brush1 a whisk broom1 a reserve supply of soap--,ivory 7if the water is hard1 this soap is superior for the bath7 and fine castile1 and a delicately-scented soap of first quality4 ,the cheap scented abominations should not be inflicted on a guest4 ,the dressing-table should have a supply of pins in variety1 including hairpins2 a work-box1 containing needles and thread1 a thimble1 scissors1 tape1 shoe-buttons1 etc4 ,a bottle of cologne and also of some first-class triple extract should stand on the bureau4 ,with all this provided1 one is not likely to lack any comfort for the toilet2 yet1 with it all1 the hostess should make her guest understand that the motto is3 ,if you don't see what you want1 ask for it4 ,this freedom will not be taken by a sensitive guest unless it is clearly invited4 ,the self-complacent way in which a hostess sometimes ushers a guest into the best room1 and then leaves her to the mercy of what she can find--or1 rather1 cannot find--forestalls all requests for additional supplies4 ,in the midst of all the satin and lace flummery1 it is pathetic to suffer in silence for the lack of a little beggarly hot water4 ,and yet1 such is the experience of many an honored guest4 ,beside the toilet comforts1 there are other things that may well be added to the equipment of the guest-room4 ,one1 in particular1 is a well-appointed little writing-desk1 containing all the requisites for letter-writing1 including stamps4 ,perhaps the guest has brought these things with her1 more likely she has forgotten them1 and it may be a matter of great convenience to her to find this little desk awaiting her4 ,if there is a shelf above1 a selection of standard and entertaining books may be placed thereon4 ,the ,bible1 a book of ,common ,prayer1 a hymnal1 may be included2 a copy of ,shakespeare1 a dictionary1 some clever and interesting book1 like ,curious ,questions1 and a volume or two of sketches and essays1 ranging in style from ,emerson to ,jerome ,k4 ,jerome1 may agreeably fill the mid-day hour of rest which the guest takes in her room before dressing for the afternoon4 ,the only trouble is that the guest who is made so thoroughly comfortable may forget to go home4 ,at all events1 she will no doubt hail with delight a second invitation to come4 ,it may be objected that to keep the guest-room supplied to this extent would involve a considerable expense2 but that would depend on the character of the guest4 ,no well-bred woman would depend on these supplies for the entire period of a long visit4 ,they are there to meet the emergency of a belated trunk1 of something forgotten or overlooked1 or the delays in making necessary purchases after her arrival4 ,she will gratefully accept the cologne until her own flask is unpacked1 but she leaves the guest-room supply but little diminished when she departs4 ,the hostess who has been embittered by seeing only a train of empty bottles in the wake of a departing guest may naturally feel discouraged about offering unlimited hospitality in the matter of druggists' sundries4 ,but it is merely that she has been unfortunate in her guests4 ,she should revise her visiting list4 ,in entertaining the right sort of people1 she will have no such experience4 ,she will be fully rewarded for every care she bestows to make her house a home-like resort1 and she will find that the cost amounts to very little compared with the large return it brings in the way of social appreciation1 to say nothing of the satisfaction afforded to her own benevolent impulses4 ,it is more blessed to give than to receive1 as the ideal hostess can testify4 ,,make ,,yourself ,,at ,,home ,the responsibilities of a visit are not all on the shoulders of a hostess4 ,the guest has also a duty in the matter4 ,the phrase of welcome quoted above is variously interpreted1 if we may judge by the various ways in which the injunction is obeyed4 ,to some people1 make yourself at home is a free permit to take possession of everything on the premises2 to cut the choicest roses in the garden1 to call for the carriage at capricious will1 to consult no one's comfort but their own1 and to impose upon the polite forbearance of every one else1 regardless--in short1 to behave as no one can behave at home for any length of time without disrupting that home4 ,to make one's self at home is to adapt one's self to one's environment4 ,if things are different from what we are accustomed to1 we must try to accustom ourselves to them1 and the mannerly guest will strive to do this1 not as a cross1 but as a pleasure4 ,she will meet cordially the friends of her hostess who are introduced to her1 however little they attract her2 she will cheerfully accompany the family to their church1 even though it be of a different faith from her own2 and she will listen respectfully to the sermon1 and refrain from ungracious criticism of the choir or the minister4 ,she will take an interest in any local happenings that are of vital interest to her entertainers2 she will show lively appreciation of everything done for her entertainment1 even though it may be but a commonplace and dull affair1 in her private judgment4 ,she will measure her grateful duty to them1 not so much by the degree of pleasure which they actually give her1 as by the amount of effort which they obviously make4 ,it is very ungracious for a guest of wide social experience to be apathetic when some unsophisticated little hostess offers what to her seems a novel treat1 but which to her worldly-wise guest is a threadbare device4 ,no matter if the device is threadbare2 the spirit of kindness which prompts the effort is immortal2 and though we have seen rainbow teas until we are weary of them1 we will enter cheerfully into the spirit of this one1 because our little hostess in the innocence of her heart has worked so hard to make it ready in our honor4 ,the guest should avoid giving extra trouble to the hostess1 or to the servants4 ,she may offer assistance when circumstances warrant her doing so1 but must refrain from meddling with household matters when her help is evidently not desired4 ,she should entertain herself easily when the hostess is otherwise busy1 yet never seem to have any absorbing occupation that would prevent her from being ready at once to join the family in any project4 ,if there are children in the house1 she should be cordial and affectionate with them1 without gushing insincerity or indiscreet petting1 and she should not betray any annoyance if they are noisy and occasionally troublesome--as the best of children will be at times4 ,she should aim to feel and act as though the interests and pleasures of the family were her own1 and not make remarks that are tacit comparisons to their disadvantage4 ,if there are glaring faults in the domestic management1 it is not her province to correct them1 except so far as a quiet example may be subtly influential1 as it will be1 if at heart she makes herself a part of the circle of sympathy4 ,after her return to her own home1 she should write a letter to her hostess1 expressing the pleasure which the memory of her visit gives her1 and gracefully thanking her friend for all that made the sojourn so restful and happy4 ,there is something singularly inspiring in the idea of making one's self at home1 in the sense of finding the value in every environment which fate1 or chance1 or ,providence may place us in4 ,and when1 as welcome guests1 we listen to this hearty greeting1 we resolve that in all ways consistent with our duty to our entertainers1 and with all grateful appreciation of their kindness to us1 we will make ourselves at home4 ,,as ,,the ,,twig ,,is ,,bent ,every one theoretically admits the importance of early training4 ,it is demonstrated in the animal and the vegetable kingdoms1 wherever organic life unfolds and grows2 and that the human child is no exception is promptly recognized in theory1 however fatally practice ignores it4 ,not that parents mean to ignore it2 but there is a happy-go-lucky impression that somehow he will come out all right2 that as he gets older1 his own good sense will assert itself1 and so on4 ,happily1 this is partly true4 ,a native good disposition and good sense saves many a child from the ruin which an unwise course of training has done its best to precipitate4 ,the wonder is that they turn out as well as they do4 ,perhaps ,providence1 in visiting its judgments1 is lenient to the young and inexperienced parents1 themselves undisciplined2 to the helpless child1 at the mercy of his blind guides4 ,there is too much negative1 too little positive1 in child-training2 too much querulous reiteration of don't1 too little intelligent teaching how to do4 ,little children like to be shown how2 they are fascinated with the games and gifts of the kindergarten1 which aims to teach something1 not to repress everything4 ,children are delighted to learn little polite phrases2 to make a bow2 to hold a fork daintily2 to offer little courtesies1 and to receive a smiling approbation4 ,they would rather do things prettily than not4 ,they are not contrary1 exceptional cases of hereditary ugliness aside4 ,they are apt pupils1 whether their tutor be a philosopher or a fool4 ,and if a faulty example be a child's most constant and influential teacher1 what wonder that the lessons1 well-learned1 are put in practice8 ,and just then1 if you listen1 you will hear some one issue the emphatic but vacuous command1 ,don't6 ,and the baby doesn't1 for the space of a few seconds2 after which1 unable to get any new suggestions out of the idea-less instructions given him1 he proceeds to do the same thing over1 only to be again commanded to desist1 a spanking for disobedience this time varying the monotony of the universal prohibition4 ,the profane poll-parrot is not a more startling witness to the character of its surroundings than the terrible infant1 whose rude snatchings1 pert contradictions1 and glib slang phrases are sure to be most effectively shown off in the presence of visitors4 ,it is of little use to affect grieved surprise1 or stern reprobation1 when one's children are merely exhibiting their daily discipline4 ,most parents feel keenly the embarrassment of having the infant misbehave so inopportunely1 and they are apt to offer a tacit apology and a vague self-defense by sharply reprimanding the child in words that are meant to give the visitor the idea that they--the parents--never heard or saw such conduct before1 and are now frozen with amazement4 ,the nonchalant or incredulous or impish way in which the children receive these reproofs only confirms the suspicion that such scenes have been frequent1 and the discipline attending them has been inconsequent4 ,one parent ,i have heard acknowledge the truth of the matter4 ,an elderly clergyman was his guest1 and the four-year-old daughter of the house was entertaining the grandpa with a toy puzzle1 which he fumbled with in vain1 unable to put it together or to take it apart4 ,impatient at last1 the little girl hastily snatched it from his hand with a childish growl of contempt1 and proceeded to show him the trick1 saying1 with an airy mingling of criticism and condescension1 ,by ,jove6 your name is ,dennis2 you are not in it6 ,the old gentleman paused1 instinctively prepared to hear the usual ,why1 daughter6 papa is astonished to hear his little girl1 etc1 etc41 after the fashion of the parental hypocrite4 ,but this candid young father met the dignified eyes squarely1 and said promptly1 ,i'm sorry1 ,doctor1 but there's no use denying it2 she is just giving me away4 ,he had the sense to recognize his own teaching1 the honesty to admit it4 ,whether he has the discretion to reform his methods remains to be seen4 ,for right here is another point3 that people think it is cute for a little child to say and do things that in a child a few years older would be most unattractively rude4 ,but they must reflect that this same cute little child will soon be a few years older1 and will carry into that riper age the fixed habits that are forming now2 and it will not be so easy a task to transform the child's manners as it is to dress him in a larger suit of clothes4 ,a choice rose was grafted upon a wild1 thorny stock1 and planted beside a veranda trellis4 ,the owner watched it carefully for a year or so1 cutting down the rank shoots of the wild stock as they sprang aggressively from the root1 allowing the grafted branch to grow in full luxuriance1 bearing carmine clusters that filled the garden with spicy odor4 ,the next spring an ignorant gardener pruned away the branches1 cutting down the slenderest and leaving what to his unpracticed eye were the most desirable1 because the thriftiest1 shoots2 and when the time of blossoms came1 nothing appeared but the ragged petals of the wild thorn4 ,so1 in the rosebud garden of girls--or boys4 ,if the choice graft of cultured manners 7for it is a graft on the sturdy but wayward stock of human nature7 is left to be choked out by the rank1 wild growth of impulse1 or if by some flagrant error in example and discipline it is practically cut down at the main branch1 what can the careless trainer expect8 ,he may weep to find no velvet-petaled rose when he comes to look for it2 but he has no right to blame the rose-bush1 nor can he1 at this late day1 hide the tact of his blundering pruning by righteously affirming that he is perfectly astonished4 ,his neighbors1 who have quietly noted the methods pursued in his kindergarten1 are not in the least surprised4 ,another resource for escaping blame is that of explaining that the children learn these things at school4 ,presumably they do not mean from the teachers4 ,it is from the other children1 who seem to be a most injurious class of society4 ,it is their influence which makes our children so rude and so ungrammatical2 and1 strangely enough1 though these other children never dine with our children1 so subtle and far-reaching is their baleful influence that our children's defective manners at the table are directly traceable to the same evil source4 ,granted1 a measure of truth in the charge2 for large mirthfulness and large imitation lead children to do things just for fun1 which all the time they know better than to persist in4 ,but1 as a fact1 demonstrated by observation1 a very small percentage of the children who are habituated to correct behavior at home are ever seriously affected by outside influences4 ,a superficial effect may show in little things2 but such lapses of speech or manner are transient1 and in no degree control the development of the child when his home training is irreproachable4 ,on the other hand1 the efforts of an untiring teacher1 laboring five hours a day to teach correct language and enunciation1 may be of little permanent value1 when the remaining hours of the day are spent in a home where the ,english grammar hourly meets a violent death4 ,and what is true of grammar is equally true of morals and manners4 ,the school and society may be measurably influential2 but the home casts the deciding vote4 ,and when people note the manners--good or bad--of your boys and girls1 they do not ask1 ,what school do they attend8 ,what children do they associate with8 but1 ,whose children are they8 ,would you have them mannerly8 ,teach them2 by precept1 certainly2 but above all things1 by example4 ,,social ,,young ,,america ,henry the ,fifth1 of ,england1 disposed of certain troublesome restrictions of etiquette by remarking that nice customs curtsey to great kings3 but in the twentieth century1 customs are more likely to curtsey to the common sense of the community at large4 ,city codes and country customs present some contradictious4 ,the exact rules of etiquette in social formalities1 which are derived from the established usage of fashionable circles in the city1 are constantly subject to modifications when they are applied under the conditions found in rural neighborhoods4 ,this is plainly illustrated in the comminglings of social ,young ,america4 ,whereas the city-bred girl is carefully chaperoned1 the village girl of equal social standing1 intrinsically speaking1 is accustomed to go about unconcernedly1 either alone or under the escort of some youth1 with whom she makes engagements to drive1 or walk1 or row1 or attend picnics1 without either of them1 as a rule1 thinking it necessary to ask her mother to join them1 or even to give her permission1 that being taken for granted1 since it has probably never been denied4 ,and the question naturally arises1 ,why should it be denied1 when the young man is a trusted chum of her brother1 and as safe an escort for her as her own father would be8 ,it is a very different case from the similar instance in the city1 where the gallant is a comparative stranger1 who may or may not be reliable1 and where a conventional world is coldly looking on4 ,but1 moreover1 if this young country girl chooses1 she goes alone to a little evening party a few doors away1 or to the evening meeting at the village church1 and this same youth1 or some other one1 escorts her home in an impromptu fashion4 ,the young lady probably invites him into the house1 if the hour is early and the family are still circled about the parlor lamp4 ,or1 if it is late1 she does not ask him in1 but invites him to call4 ,she does not thank him for his escort1 unless it has been given at obvious inconvenience to himself or others1 and is therefore not so much a matter of gallantry as of neighborly accommodation4 ,in the latter case she does thank him frankly for his trouble4 ,when the young man calls to see her1 she receives him with or without the presence of her mother or other members of the family4 ,she may invite him to tea1 with her mother's serene but passive approval2 and1 in fact1 the goings and comings of these young people are more like the comradery of two girls than like the formal association of a young man and young woman in society4 ,we are accustomed to call such a code a country code1 because of its almost universal following in small towns and villages4 ,but similar freedom of association is also observed in city circles outside of the exclusive bounds of fashionable life4 ,indeed1 some of the fashions called countryfied are equally cityfied1 if we judge by the extent of the usage4 ,but what has been quite safe and sensible and refined in the particular instance in the country1 may be a most unsafe freedom in the city1 where every circle is constantly being invaded1 more or less1 by new-comers and by a floating contingent of transient people1 whose record is not known even to the people who introduce them4 ,the frank friendliness that is usually good form in the village circle is usually a great mistake in the city4 ,it is better that young ladies1 whether nominally chaperoned or not1 should be guarded against making acquaintances too readily1 especially among young men4 ,if a young man is deserving of social recognition1 let the young lady's mother grant it to him by inviting him to her house and permitting his association with her own young people4 ,a young girl should not extend these invitations to call unless she is well acquainted with the young man1 or unless she gives the invitation in her mother's name1 and with the understanding that he will be received by her mother as well as herself4 ,usually1 the mother should be the one to extend the hospitality4 ,in the case of an unmarried woman who is no longer young1 it is presumed that discretion will guide her as to when it is dignified and proper to give invitations to call1 the conservative side being the safe side where strangers are concerned4 ,the ideal condition of ,americanized chaperonage is far from being realized in the great mass of ,american society4 ,a small and exclusive circle observes the ,english code in this matter2 the rest of society ignore the whole idea--as an idea--though the thoughtful mother instinctively guards her daughter in a desultory way1 perhaps meeting the spirit of the idea in the main1 but flagrantly disregarding the letter of the formal code4 ,the two extremes we have2 but a real1 systematic code of chaperonage that is not ,french1 nor ,english1 nor ,spanish1 but wholesome1 sensible1 thorough-going ,american mother's guardianship we are yet to see definitely carried out4 ,the occasional instance of it which we now and then observe has taught us to appreciate what would be the happiest development in our social life1 if once attained4 ,meanwhile1 the average ,american girl will probably continue to shine as the startling exception to the rule2 and in her remarkable escapes from serious blunders1 will continue to bear the palm for self-command and good sense4 ,her ability to ignore a law1 while consciously cherishing all that the law was devised to protect1 is a flattering indication of her mental and moral integrity4 ,even a dull-witted person can follow a set rule2 it requires some genius to make a legitimate exception1 and it also involves some temerity4 ,it is like gathering mushrooms2 perhaps they are edible1 perhaps they are poisonous2 for the various fungi look very much alike4 ,if it happens to be right1 it is right2 if it happens to be wrong1 it is sheer disaster4 ,a social code that borrows no artifice from foreign lands and institutions1 but which1 true to the spirit of our own country1 guards the liberty of young girls on the one hand1 while on the other it shields them from license1 will be welcomed by all thoughtful people4 ,the ,american chaperone is the coming woman4 ,the girls of the next generation will rise up and call her blessed4 ,,the ,,american ,,chaperone ,the question of the chaperone in ,america is peculiarly perplexing4 ,the consternation of the hen whose brood of ducklings took to the water is a fit symbol of the horrified amazement with which an old-world duenna would be filled if she attempted to look after a bevy of typical ,american girls1 with their independent--yet confused--ideas of social requirements in the matter of chaperonage4 ,in ,europe1 where social lines are distinctly drawn1 a young woman either belongs in society or else she does not4 ,in the former case she is constantly attended by a chaperone4 ,in the latter case she is merely a young person1 a working girl1 for whom society makes no laws4 ,in our country there is a leisure class of society women1 so recognized4 ,if these alone constituted good society in ,america1 we might simply adopt the ,european distinctions1 and settle the chaperone question by a particular affirmative referring to these alone4 ,but we reflect that our thoughts throughout this little volume are mainly for those who dwell within the broad zone of the average heretofore referred to4 ,in this republican land no one can say that the bounds of good society lie arbitrarily here and there2 certainly they are not marked by a line drawn between occupation and leisure4 ,the same young girl--after leaving school1 at the period when society life begins--may be in society during leisure hours and in business during working hours4 ,it is accounted perfectly lady-like and praiseworthy for a young woman1 well born and bred1 to support herself by some remunerative employment that holds her to business hours4 ,she may be a teacher1 an artist1 a scribe1 an editor1 a stenographer1 a book-keeper--what may she not do1 with talent1 training1 and good sense8 ,and she may do this without being one iota less a lady--if she is one to begin with4 ,now appears the complication4 ,as a business woman1 the self-reliant young girl does not need a chaperone4 ,as a society woman1 this inexperienced1 sensitive1 human-nature-trusting child does need a chaperone4 ,she is1 therefore1 subject to what we may call intermittent chaperonage4 ,business1 definite1 serious occupation of any kind1 is a coat of mail4 ,the woman or girl who is plainly absorbed in some earnest and dignified work is shielded from misinterpretation or impertinent intrusion while engaged in that work4 ,she may go unattended to and from her place of business1 for her destination is understood1 and her purpose legitimate4 ,she needs no guardian1 for her capacity to take care of herself under these conditions1 is demonstrated to a respectful public4 ,the spectacle of a stately middle-aged woman accompanying each girl book-keeper to her desk every morning would be burlesque in the extreme4 ,the girl who is thus allowed to go alone to an office in business hours1 sometimes thinks it absurd for any one to say that she must not go alone to a drawing-room1 and she does go alone4 ,right here this independent girl makes a mistake4 ,it is granted that the girl with brains and principle to bear herself discreetly during office hours is probably able--in the abstract--to exercise the same good sense at a party4 ,but the conditions are changed to the eye of the onlooker4 ,the girl who went to the office wearing the shield and armor of her work1 now appears in society without that shield4 ,to the observer she differs in no wise from the banker's daughter1 who toils not4 ,like the latter1 she needs on social occasions the watchful chaperonage that should be given to all young girls in these conditions4 ,the woman who is in society at all must conform to its conventional laws1 or lose caste in proportion to her defiance of these laws4 ,she cannot defy them without losing the dignity and exclusiveness that characterize a well-bred woman1 and without seeming to drift into the careless and doubtful manners of ,bohemia4 ,the fairy-story suggests the principle2 ,cinderella could work alone in the dust and ashes undisturbed2 but the fairy-god-mother must needs accompany her when she went to the ball4 ,in the best circles everywhere1 at home and abroad1 every young girl during her first years in society is chaperoned4 ,that is to say1 on all formal social occasions she appears under the watch and ward of an older woman of character and standing--her mother1 or the mother's representative4 ,the young woman's calls are made1 and her visits received1 in the company of this guardian of the proprieties2 and she attends the theatre or other places of amusement1 only under the same safe conduct4 ,society to the young girl is ,may-fair4 ,with the happy future veiled just beyond1 she goes to meet a possible romance1 and to traverse a circle of events that may haply round up in a wedding-ring4 ,it is of the utmost importance that she shall not be left at the mercy of accidental meetings1 indiscreet judgments1 and the heedless impulses of inexperienced youth1 which may effectually blight her future in its bud4 ,a parent or guardian does a girl incalculable injury in allowing her to enter upon society life without chaperonage1 and the unremitting watch-care and control which only a discreet1 motherly woman can give to girlhood4 ,men respect the chaperoned girl4 ,honorable men respect her as something that is worth taking care of2 men who are not honorable respect her as something with which they dare not be unduly familiar--though they account it smart to be hail fellow well met with the girl who ignorantly goes about unattended1 or with other unchaperoned girls1 on social occasions4 ,a girl must have an unusual measure of native dignity1 as well as native innocence1 always to escape the disagreeable infliction of either fresh or blase impertinence1 if she has no mother's wing to flutter under4 ,this absolute condition of chaperonage exists during the novitiate of the young society woman4 ,the requirement grows less and less rigid as the young woman grows more and more experienced1 and learns to meet social emergencies for herself4 ,that delicate ignoring of a woman's age which is shown in calling her a girl until she is married also permits her to be a chaperoned member of society until that event4 ,but when obviously past her youth1 it is no longer required that she shall wear the demeanor of a debutante4 ,nor does propriety demand her mother's constant presence1 when years of training have taught the daughter her mother's discretion1 and when the mother's own serene dignity looks out of the daughter's eyes4 ,we are proud of the ideal ,american girl4 ,i mean the one who is essentially a lady1 whether rich or poor1 the one whose sterling good sense is equal to her emergencies2 the one who is self-reliant without being bold1 firm without being overbearing1 brainy without being masculine1 strong of nerve--but yet a woman4 ,let her be equipped for the battle of life1 which in our state of society so many girls are fighting single-handed4 ,instruct her in business principles2 teach her to use the discretion needed to move safely along the crowded thoroughfare and to follow the routine of the office or the studio1 trusting that with busy head and busy hands she may be safe wherever duty leads her tireless feet4 ,but in her hours of social recreation1 when she will meet and solve the vital problems of her own personal life1 she needs a subtle something more2 the mother's wisdom to supply the deficiencies of her inexperience1 the mother's love to enfold her in unspoken sympathy1 the mother's approbation to rest upon her dutiful conduct like a benediction4 ,let no young girl regard this watch-care as a trammel placed on her coveted liberty4 ,on the contrary1 she will find that she has far more social freedom with the countenance of her mother's presence than she could have without it4 ,and in after years1 when her life has developed safely and happily under this discreet leadership1 she will look back to her debut1 and her first seasons in society1 with profound gladness that--thanks to somebody wiser than herself--she has escaped the follies that have in more or less measure injured the prospects of her young friends who were too independent to submit to the restraints of chaperonage1 and who1 for lack of it1 to-day find themselves to a relative extent depreciated in social estimation4 ,,greetings4 ,,recognitions4 ,,introductions4 ,the proverb1 ,the beginning is half the battle1 applies in a multitude of ways4 ,in the first instant of a greeting between two people1 the ground upon which they meet should be indicated4 ,cordiality1 reserve1 distrust1 confidence1 caution1 condescension1 deference--whatever the real or the assumed attitude may be1 should be shown unmistakably when eyes meet and heads bend in the ceremony of greeting4 ,to put into this initial manner the essence of the manner which one chooses to maintain throughout is one of the fine touches of diplomacy4 ,people fail to do this when their effusively gracious condescension subsequently develops into snobbishness1 or when an austere stiffness of demeanor belies the friendliness which they really intend to manifest4 ,the latter fault is often due to diffidence or awkward self-consciousness2 the former is usually traceable to the caprice of an undisciplined nature1 and is a significant mark of ill-breeding4 ,the vital part of a greeting is in the expression of the eyes4 ,this is so nearly spontaneous that the most guarded cannot altogether veil the spirit that looks out of these windows of the soul4 ,the studied attitude and genuflection fail to hide surliness or contempt2 and hostility1 bitter and implacable1 may reveal itself by the smoldering spark of anger in the eye1 and destroy the effect of the most artful obsequiousness of manner4 ,since we cannot control this one impulsively-truthful medium of expression1 it becomes a matter of policy as well as of morals to harbor no spirits whose possession of us would be an unpleasant and inconvenient revelation4 ,next to the eyes1 the pose of the figure indicates the sentiment of the moment4 ,arrogant assumption of superiority may be read in the expanded chest1 the stiffened neck1 and the head thrown backward at a decided angle2 or1 subservient humility is seen in the forward-bending head and the wilted droop of the shoulders4 ,and again1 the difference between a real humility and the artificial deference which gallantry prompts is easily detected4 ,the gallant's head and shoulders are bowed1 but not in meekness1 for there is a certain tension in the controlled muscles that suggests that he can straighten up at will1 whereas the really humble man appears to have no power to lift his bowed head or equally drooping spirit4 ,the bending of the head and trunk1 or the bow1 is the final and most active exponent of the spirit of the greeting4 ,in its degrees and gradations are marked the degrees of deference1 real or formal4 ,the bow begins at the head1 and may observe the following gradations3 ,it may be an inclination of the head only1 differing from a nod in the dignity of movement4 ,the inclination may extend to the shoulders1 causing a slightly perceptible forward leaning4 ,this inclination may continue to the waist line4 ,the extreme inclination bends the entire trunk from the hips4 ,the legs are straight and the feet near together1 in the attitude of position in free gymnastics4 ,in every bow1 of whatever gradation1 the movement should be slow1 the eye steady1 the face serene1 and the whole demeanor expressive of polite interest in the object4 ,an averted eye is disrespectful1 and suggests insincerity or treachery4 ,not that it always means either2 the drooping eyelash is affected by many women as gracefully expressive of feminine modesty4 ,it may be coquettish1 but there is nothing particularly womanly in never looking a man in the eye4 ,search the face that confronts you1 and learn what manner of man this is whom you are receiving into your company and fellowship4 ,if he quails under the inquisition1 so much the worse for him4 ,if he is worth looking at1 it is a pity to miss the sight4 ,moreover1 we more than half suspect that a woman's face is more attractive if her eyes occasionally look up clear1 instead of allowing the downcast lids to hide all of their vivacity and expression4 ,the gayety or the gravity of the countenance may serve to measure the cordiality or the reserve which respectively distinguish two bows--exactly alike as to movement1 and equally courteous1 the one inviting confidence1 the other repelling familiarity4 ,the time1 the place1 and the occasion1 and the mutual relations of people1 decide the essential character of the appropriate bow4 ,it must always be the exponent of the nature and disposition of the individual1 and of his relation to the person whom he greets4 ,no one has precisely the same manner for any two people of his acquaintance--that is1 if he has any vital manner at all4 ,we are to others largely what they inspire us to be1 and only lifeless indifference reduces manner to one same automatic manifestation4 ,the life of a social greeting is in its exclusive spirit1 and though the variations of outward manner are difficult to trace1 it is a graceful and flattering thing to make this specialty of manner felt in every greeting extended4 ,perhaps1 after all1 it is the eye that controls this1 as the spirit within controls the eye4 ,in general1 the manner of a greeting should be optimistic1 free from ungracious suspicion1 and indicating a cheerful willingness to take people at their best2 and even when most sternly forbidding intrusiveness1 it should appear that the repulse is for good cause1 and is not merely the expression of a capricious and unfounded arrogance4 ,the latter quality1 quite as often as not1 characterizes the manner of snobs toward people who are infinitely their superiors in all that indicates character and breeding4 ,the curtsey--or courtesy--is a feature of the minuet1 and revived with the old-fashioned dance4 ,it is a pretty bit of old-time grace1 and is appropriate in responding to formal introductions and greetings in the drawing-room1 especially when paying respect to elderly people4 ,it is most effective when executed in a costume of voluminous draperies4 ,it is a woman's ceremonial2 no man ever curtseys4 ,the regulation bow is the only deference that gracefully combines with a dress suit4 ,the courtesy is a strictly formal obeisance1 and the courtly reverence which it embodies is something more abstract than concrete1 not necessarily inspired by the person to whom its deference is shown4 ,like all greetings exchanged in the midst of crowds or in public places1 it is somewhat impersonal in manner4 ,personal recognitions and distinctions are reserved for more private occasions4 ,one's greetings to fellow-guests at a reception are uniformly affable1 irrespective of personal preferences4 ,though our dearest friend and our direst foe both be present1 we must not pointedly discriminate between them2 we are not at liberty to use the parlors of our host for either a lover's tryst or a duelling-ground4 ,a guest's first duty on entering a parlor or drawing-room is to pay his or her respects to the hostess and the ladies who are receiving with her4 ,gentlemen should also make it a point to find the host as soon as possible1 and extend to him a similar courtesy4 ,the host1 in turn1 when not receiving formally with the hostess1 roams at large1 giving a hospitable greeting to each lady among his guests4 ,in ,america1 when a lady and gentleman meet1 after being duly introduced1 it is the lady's privilege to bow first4 ,this rule protects her from the intrusion of an unwelcome acquaintance4 ,but when the acquaintance is established and mutually agreeable1 the rule is immaterial4 ,in general1 the elder or the more distinguished person bows first4 ,but if the one who for any reason would be the proper one to take the initiative is known to be near-sighted1 and liable to overlook an acquaintance unintentionally1 it is more polite for the other person not to stand on ceremony4 ,it is interesting to note that on the continent of ,europe the rule regarding recognitions is exactly reversed4 ,the subject bows first to the king1 the courtier to the lady2 deference to a superior1 rather than social equality1 being expressed by the bow4 ,one of the moot questions of the day is1 ,when is it proper to introduce people to each other8 ,the strictest etiquette forbids casual social introductions1 or the introducing of any two people at any time without the consent of both parties4 ,it is argued that people who meet in a drawing-room as fellow-guests are introduced1 by that mere fact1 sufficiently for the social purposes of the hour2 and they may engage in conversation1 if they choose1 without the least hesitancy2 both understanding that this interchange involves no acquaintance beyond the present occasion4 ,by this arrangement an awkward silence is averted1 and it certainly seems as if the chief argument in favor of introducing people is met2 since1 with the roof as their transient introduction1 they are perfectly at ease without personal introductions4 ,when people are used to this idea it is altogether the most sensible and agreeable solution of the question2 but many social assemblies demonstrate that a large number of people are yet waiting to be introduced1 and not without some feeling of resentment when this ceremony is neglected4 ,let it be understood that any one is at liberty to speak to a fellow-guest without an introduction2 also1 that such a talk does not warrant any subsequent claim of acquaintance4 ,if in the course of this impromptu chat mutual interest is awakened1 either one may later seek an introduction in due form through some common friend4 ,on informal occasions1 when few guests are present1 especially in country towns1 it may be more kindly and social to give personal introductions2 and the good sense of this idea1 probably1 is founded on the fact that under these conditions a hostess can be reasonably sure that the acquaintance will be congenial4 ,to the villager many of the extreme rules of etiquette are unreasonable1 because the conditions that enforce them in town life are not present in the life of the quiet hamlet4 ,the rule regarding introductions is one which must be modified to suit circumstances4 ,it is one of the cases when various delicate considerations may justify exceptions4 ,the lady who in her city home introduces nobody1 may in her country home introduce everybody1 if that seems best4 ,in the matter of delicate exceptions we observe the most significant display of tact4 ,when introductions are made1 gentlemen should be presented to ladies1 younger people to older people1 etc4 ,the formula for introductions may be abbreviated to a mere announcement of the two names3 ,mr4 ,smith--,mrs4 ,jones--the pause and inflection filling the ellipsis2 and really1 upon the tone and manner depends the courtesy of the introduction so barren of phrasing4 ,a formal presentation is made in this form3--,miss ,smith1 allow me to present ,mr4 ,jones4 ,tact suggests that a hostess shall avoid bringing uncongenial people together2 but if this unfortunately happens through ignorance or thoughtlessness1 tact with equal urgency requires that the guests thus inauspiciously mingled shall not allow any one1 not even the hostess herself1 to discover the mistake4 ,the same rule which allows perfect strangers to be agreeably social for an hour1 and then part as strangers yet1 certainly will grant to enemies a similar privilege4 ,the woman who conscientiously1 and perfectly1 hides her personal animosities rather than mar the harmony of the social circle1 is doing her part to keep the world in tune4 ,the offer of the social right hand of fellowship is a tacit recognition of equality4 ,hand-shaking is said to be an ,american habit4 ,certainly the social conditions in a republic are favorable to such a custom4 ,it is a pity that a mode so adapted to express the warmth and loyalty of friendship should be indiscriminately employed in casual greetings4 ,the pressure of the hand should mean more than it can mean1 when1 as now1 it is bestowed with equal alacrity on life-long friend and recent acquaintance4 ,fastidious and sensitive people are rather conservative in hand-shaking4 ,etiquette allows considerable latitude4 ,it is proper and graceful1 but not required1 for two men to shake hands when introduced4 ,a lady does not usually shake hands with a new acquaintance1 unless the circumstances of the introduction make her responsible for allowing special cordiality1 as when a person is introduced to her in her own house4 ,a host and hostess shake hands with a guest2 they may omit to shake hands with the same person when they meet him elsewhere4 ,whatever one's personal impulse1 it is polite to defer to the evident preference of another2 and to shake hands heartily if a hand is cordially extended1 or to refrain from proffering the hand when reserve is evident in the manner of the other person4 ,hand-shaking as a conventional ceremony should be as impersonal and as void of significance as possible4 ,the clasp of the hand should be firm but brief2 not hasty1 yet not prolonged2 and the fingers should relax and loosen their hold at once1 not dropping listlessly1 nor retaining a lingering pressure4 ,when a lady gives her hand to a guest she expects to get it back again almost immediately1 and in an uncrushed condition4 ,to hold another's hand until he or she is conscious of the detaining grasp is a liberty that only trusted friends may take4 ,at the same time1 a hearty manner of greeting may be the fashion in some places2 and to meet it otherwise than cheerfully would seem churlish1 according to local standards4 ,it is always well-bred--as well as politic--to conform to local customs so far as is consistent with dignity4 ,another custom1 gradually going out1 is the woman's fashion of kissing effusively each woman-friend of her acquaintance4 ,this senseless habit has no excuse for being4 ,when kissing is the language of impulsive affection1 etiquette has nothing to say about it except to demand that the general public shall not be called upon to witness the ceremony4 ,public thoroughfares and thronged social assemblies we not the proper places for such demonstrations4 ,nothing is less interesting than other people's kisses1 unless it be the gushing recital of private affairs with which these unguarded people also entertain every stranger within earshot4 ,when scenes like these are observed at railroad stations and on board of trains when demonstrative leave-taking is in progress1 we may forgive the exhibition since the circumstances warrant more than usual impulsiveness and forgetfulness of surroundings4 ,but when the most common-place meeting of acquaintances1 who see each other every day1 is attended with these phenomena1 etiquette1 as well as common-sense1 enters a severe protest4 ,the kiss1 which should be the most exclusive symbol of friendship1 becomes the most insignificant form of greeting4 ,it is not proper1 according to strict etiquette1 to give the kiss of greeting in public places2 but when near relatives or cherished friends do choose thus to greet each other1 the kiss should be exchanged unobtrusively and with dignity2 conversation on private matters should be conducted in subdued tones1 and a well-bred gravity--quite consistent with cheerfulness--should characterize the manner4 ,it would be well if every person in society should register a solemn resolution never to kiss anybody unless prompted to do so by the irresistible impulse of affection4 ,it is safe to say that nine-tenths of the kisses of social greeting would be dispensed with4 ,the quality of the remaining tenth would doubtless be proportionately improved4 ,,behavior ,,in ,,public ,,thoroughfares ,people understand and make allowances for many things that1 to say the least1 are thoughtless in the behavior of people whom they know well4 ,not so the general public1 which measures every man's conduct by the strict law of propriety1 and accredits him with so much intelligence and refinement as his manners display--no more4 ,and1 happily1 no less2 for this general public is a dispassionate critic on the whole1 and if it severely condemns our faults1 it has no grudge against us to keep it from equally appreciating our merits4 ,a regard for appearances is--and should be--a leading consideration when ordering one's conduct in public4 ,it is not enough that we know ourselves to be above reproach2 we must take care that the stranger who observes us gets no impression to the contrary4 ,friends who know her irresistibly mirthful disposition1 may excuse the girl who laughs boisterously on the street-car2 but she will not be able to explain to the severe-looking stranger opposite that she did not do this to attract attention4 ,conduct in public should be characterized by reserve4 ,the promenade1 the corridors of public buildings--post-office1 railway stations1 etc4--the elevators and arcades of buildings devoted to shops and offices2 museums and picture-galleries1 the foyer of the theatre1 and the reading-rooms of public libraries may all be regarded as thorough fares1 where the general public is our observant critic4 ,greetings between acquaintances casually meeting in such places should be quiet and conventional2 friends should avoid calling each other by name1 and conversation should be confined to such remarks as one does not object to have accidentally overheard4 ,subdued1 but natural1 tones of voice should be used1 and the manner should be perfectly open and above board4 ,cautious whispering is conspicuous1 sometimes suspicious1 and always ill-mannered4 ,if confidential matters are to be discussed1 the office or the parlor is the proper place for the conference4 ,when acquaintances meet on the promenade1 recognitions are exchanged by a slight bow1 with or without a spoken greeting4 ,on the crowded walk1 if two acquaintances pass and re-pass each other several times in the course of the same promenade1 it is not necessary to exchange greetings after the first meeting4 ,canes and umbrellas should not be carried under the arm horizontally1 endangering the eyes and ribs of other pedestrians4 ,a man1 when bowing1 lifts his hat in the following instances3 ,when bowing to a lady4 ,when1 walking with a lady1 he bows to another man of his acquaintance4 ,when bowing to an elderly man1 or a superior in office4 ,when bowing to a man who is walking with a lady4 ,when1 walking with a lady1 he joins her in saluting any gentlemen of her acquaintance1 but strangers to himself2 or1 when walking with gentlemen1 he joins them in saluting a lady of their acquaintance1 but a stranger to himself4 ,when offering any civility 7as a seat in the street-car71 to a lady1 whether a stranger or an acquaintance4 ,when bidding good-bye to a lady after an open-air conference1 when the hat has been worn4 ,punctilious etiquette requires a man to stand with head uncovered in the presence of ladies1 until requested to replace the hat4 ,but in our changeable climate1 the risk of taking cold suggests the good sense of wearing the hat out-of-doors1 and allowing the graceful lifting of the same at greeting and parting to express all the deference that the uncovered head is meant to symbolize4 ,the greater the crowd1 the shorter the range at which greetings are exchanged4 ,one might halloo to an old acquaintance forty rods distant1 down a country lane2 but on ,broadway he bows only to the ones whom he meets point blank4 ,if two friends meet and pause to shake hands1 they should step aside from the throng1 and not blockade the sidewalk4 ,ladies should make these pauses very brief1 and beware of entering into exhaustive interchanges of family news4 ,two men may linger1 if they choose1 and hold a few moments' conversation4 ,but if a man meets a lady1 and wishes to chat with her1 he should1 after greeting her1 ask permission to join her1 and walk with her for a short distance2 he should by no means detain her standing on the sidewalk4 ,he should not accompany her all the way to her destination1 nor prolong such a casual conversation beyond a few moments4 ,he should leave her at a corner1 and lift his hat respectfully as he bids her good-bye4 ,if several people walking together on a sidewalk of average width meet other groups of promenaders1 both parties should fall into single line as they pass1 allowing each group a fair share of the walk4 ,this is especially incumbent when on a narrow crossing4 ,it is very rude for groups of three or more to walk abreast without heeding the people whom they meet1 and often crowding the latter off the curbstone4 ,young girls are sometimes very thoughtless in this matter4 ,turn to the right1 as the law directs is an injunction that holds good for the crowded sidewalk4 ,if one1 walking briskly1 overtakes slower walkers ahead1 and the crowd allows no space to get past them1 one should watch for a chance to slip through a gap in the phalanx1 rather than elbow through4 ,if no chance seems likely to occur1 and haste is imperative1 a polite man has no recourse but to step outside the curb and walk rapidly ahead1 returning to the sidewalk a few paces in advance4 ,a lady similarly hurried may slip through a small space1 if one offers1 with an apologetic ,i beg pardon4 ,but in no case should pushing be resorted to4 ,it is very unmannerly for a party of loiterers to string themselves thus across the width of a sidewalk1 and then saunter slowly1 regardless of the fact that they are impeding the progress of busier people4 ,a policeman should call their attention to the fact4 ,if the sidewalk is blocked by an orderly crowd1 as it frequently is on the occasion of parades and other public demonstrations1 a man may push his way through gently1 saying1 ,i beg pardon to those whom he is compelled to jostle4 ,the fine breeding of a gentleman never shows more conspicuously than in his manner of getting through a crowd4 ,the beauty of it is1 or1 perhaps1 ,i might say1 the utility of it is1 that courtesy in such a case is very much more effective than bluff1 for the majority in an orderly crowd are inclined to be obliging1 and quickly respond to a good-humored request2 whereas1 if one aggressive elbow begins to push1 a hundred other elbows are set rigidly akimbo1 and the solid mass becomes ten-fold more unyielding than before4 ,if accosted by a stranger with a request for information as to streets1 directions1 etc41 one should kindly reply1 and1 if not able to give the desired information1 should1 if possible1 direct the stranger where to make further inquiries4 ,cheerful interest in the perplexities of a bewildered sojourner in the city costs nothing and is always highly appreciated4 ,only a pessimist or a snob would dismiss such a question curtly4 ,if a lady's dress has been torn1 or trimming or braid ripped and left trailing after contact with the nails in a packing-box on the sidewalk1 or from some similar accident1 it is polite to call her attention to the disaster4 ,a gentleman may do this with perfect propriety if he sees that she is not aware of it4 ,he should preface the information with ,pardon me1 and should lift his hat1 as always when offering any civility4 ,when attending to business at banks1 post-office1 railroad ticket-offices1 etc41 one should pay no attention to other people1 further than to guard against allowing one's absorbing interest in one's own affairs to make one regardless of the just rights of others in the matter of turn at ticket or stamp windows1 or in the use of the public desk1 pens1 etc4--trifling tests of good manners that distinguish the well-bred1 and which illustrate very pointedly the truth that selfishness is always vulgar1 and that an unfailing habit of considering other people's comfort is a mark of gentle breeding4 ,a lady should say ,thank you to a gentleman who gives up a seat to her in a street-car or other public conveyance1 where1 having paid for a seat1 he has a right to it1 and his voluntary relinquishment of it is a matter of personal courtesy on his part4 ,the woman who slides into a place thus offered without acknowledging the obligation is very thoughtless1 or else she has erroneous ideas of how far chivalry is bound to be the slave of selfishness4 ,if the lady is accompanied by a gentleman1 he1 too1 should say ,thank you1 and lift his hat4 ,he should also be thoughtful not to take the next vacated seat himself without first offering it to the polite stranger4 ,a young woman1 strong and well1 may properly give up her seat to a fragile woman1 or a mother with a baby1 or to an elderly man or woman4 ,young ladies of leisure1 who are not weary1 should not be too ready to oust tired clerks and laboring men whose ride home at six o'clock is their first chance to sit down1 for ten hours4 ,a gentleman is chivalrous2 and there is a corresponsive quality in a lady1 which makes her delicately sensitive about unjustly imposing on that chivalry1 or which1 in emergencies of sickness or disaster1 enables her to be the chivalrous in spirit1 and bear on her slender shoulders the burden that is temporarily dropped when some stroke of ,providence lays the strong man low4 ,on the other hand1 there are women of coarse fibre1 who imagine that they vastly increase their own importance by being selfishly exacting in the matter of men's self-sacrificing attentions4 ,they may browbeat the men who are in their power2 but1 outside of this narrow world of their own1 they are held in thorough contempt by the very men whose admiration they had hoped to gain by their aggressive and ill-tempered demands4 ,men who smoke on the street should avoid the crowded promenade1 where ladies most do congregate2 since it is nearly impossible to avoid annoying some one with the smoke4 ,in most towns1 the ,board of ,health ordinance forbidding spitting on floors1 sidewalks1 etc41 is not only a hygienic safe-guard1 but a much needed enforcement of good manners4 ,comment is superfluous4 ,based upon an idea borrowed from olden days--that the right arm1 the sword arm1 should be free for defense--a custom formerly prevailed for a man1 walking with a lady1 to place her always at his left side4 ,then later--also with some idea of shielding her from danger--it was the custom for a man to walk next to the curbstone1 whether it happened to be left or right4 ,this is still the rule1 unless the sidewalk is crowded2 in which case a man walks at the side next the opposing throng1 in order to shield a lady from the elbows of the passers-by4 ,authorities are divided on the subject of elevator etiquette1 some denouncing in round terms the man who is so rude as to keep his hat on in an elevator where there are ladies2 arguing that the elevator is a little room1 an interior1 not a thoroughfare4 ,others are equally emphatic in asserting that the elevator is a thoroughfare1 merely2 and that hats are not to be removed1 except under the same conditions that would call for their removal in the street--as the greeting of acquaintances1 or the exchange of civilities4 ,the good sense of this view is apparent4 ,a hat held in the hand in a crowded elevator is sure to be in the way1 and liable to be crushed4 ,a gentleman who wishes to compromise between stolid ignoring of the ladies who are strangers1 and superfluous recognition of their presence1 may lift his hat and replace it immediately1 when a lady enters the elevator1 or when he enters an elevator where ladies already are4 ,such a courtesy differs from a greeting in this3 a stranger offering this elevator civility does not look at the lady1 nor does he bend his head2 and his lifted hat is an impersonal tribute to the sex4 ,a lady makes no response to such a courtesy2 yet there is in her general bearing a subtle something1 hard to describe1 but which every gentleman will readily recognize1 that shows whether or not she observes and appreciates his little act of deference4 ,the atmosphere of good manners may be as invisible as the air about us2 but we know when we are breathing it4 ,during a promenade in the day-time1 a lady does not take a man's arm unless she is feeble from age or ill-health1 and needs the support4 ,in the evening1 a gentleman walking with a lady may offer her his arm4 ,on no account should a man take a woman's arm4 ,this is a disrespectful freedom1 that might be supposed to be the specialty of the rustic beau1 if it were not so frequently observed in city thoroughfares4 ,the cut direct is the rudest possible way of dropping an acquaintance2 and is allowable only in the case of some flagrant offender who deserves public and merciless rebuke4 ,ordinarily1 the result sought--of ending an undesired acquaintance--is attained by a persistently cold courtesy1 supplemented by as much avoidance as possible2 drifting apart1 not sinking each other's craft without warning4 ,as crowds are distracting1 and people bent on their own errands are often oblivious of their surroundings1 it is quite possible for a seeming cut to have been an unconscious oversight4 ,when an acquaintance seems not to see one1 though close at baud1 it is possible that something closer yet to his consciousness is absorbing all his thoughts4 ,only clear and unmistakable evidence of intention should lead one to infer a slight4 ,it is not only more polite1 but more self-respecting1 to take offense slowly4 ,,in ,,public ,,assemblies ,at the theatre or opera1 at concerts1 or popular lectures1 at commencements1 and other prosperous and happy public entertainments1 a certain gayety of manner may be in harmony with the occasion2 but it should be under control1 a smiling cheerfulness1 not a free-and-easy jollity4 ,before the play1 or the programme1 begins1 social conversation is usually allowable in quiet tones that do not disturb the surrounding people4 ,a gentle hum of lively voices is not an unpleasant overture on such occasions4 ,but the moment the orchestra begins1 if at the theatre1 or the instant that the meeting is called to order by any initial feature of the programme1 silence should fall upon the assembly1 and not a whisper be heard4 ,polite attention should be given to each feature of the hour4 ,programmes should be folded and arranged for easy reference before the exercises begin1 so that no rustling of papers shall mar the effect of the music1 or interfere with the speakers or listeners4 ,the noisy handling of programmes is a most exasperating exhibition of thoughtlessness1 and can easily be avoided by a little caution4 ,it should be accounted a matter of good form not to be late in arriving at the theatre1 opera1 etc4 ,people sometimes think that because their seats are secured by their ticket-coupons1 it makes no difference whether they are in their places before the curtain rises or not4 ,but it is inconsistent for people who would be thought to be well-mannered1 to inflict on others so much annoyance as is the result of coming late and making a commotion arranging seats1 etc41 after a drama is in progress1 or a lecture or concert begun4 ,when this happens1 it should be the rare and unavoidable accident of detention1 not the habitual and perhaps even ostentatious custom that it seems to be with some people4 ,the noise about the swing-doors1 and the rustle in the aisles1 the banging of hinged seats1 and the occasional parley with the usher1 render the seats under the galleries practically valueless during the first half of the performance1 since the speakers cannot be heard in the midst of the confusion4 ,the sense of the opening act being lost1 the entire play is marred simply because forty or fifty people are ten or fifteen minutes late4 ,if managers would combine and agree to order the doors closed several minutes before the performance begins1 it would soon remedy the trouble1 and a host of patrons would applaud their course4 ,the most aggravating thing about annoyances of this kind is that they are inflicted by the very few1 and suffered by the very many4 ,in crowded theatres and lecture halls1 heavy coats and wraps must be disposed within each owner's own territory4 ,they should not lie over the top of the seat or bulge over into the adjoining seats to encroach upon other people4 ,nor should the owner of a big overcoat double it up into a cushion and sit upon it1 to raise himself six inches higher1 to the disadvantage of the person seated back of him--a selfish preparation to see the sights which we sometimes observe1 even in the parquet centre4 ,the fashion1 now almost universal1 of removing hats at all spectacular entertainments1 does away with what was formerly a conspicuous source of annoyance4 ,for awhile this downfall of view-obstructing millinery promised a square deal to the occupants of the back rows4 ,but of late vanity has re-asserted itself in the guise of elaborate hair-dressing1 until the aigrette and the bow have become as great an imposition as was their predecessor1 the flaring hat4 ,this evasion of the issue will be more difficult to control by public prohibition4 ,it remains for the polite woman to avoid adopting1 for such occasions1 the towering head-dress that evokes not admiration but execration from the people seated behind her4 ,no woman need risk annoying others in order to be attractive herself2 there are numerous styles that are both unobtrusive and becoming4 ,moreover1 the woman in good society has ample opportunity to exhibit her elaborate coiffure at private social functions4 ,people who wish to leave the theatre between the acts should make it a point to secure end seats and not scrape past half a dozen other people three or four times during the performance4 ,if it is necessary to trouble other people to rise and step aside to allow one to take or to leave his seat1 the person thus obliged should preface the action with ,i beg pardon1 or ,may ,i trouble you to allow me to pass2--and should acknowledge the obligation by saying ,thank you4 ,this may not lessen the inconvenience to other people1 but it may mollify the feeling of irritability that such things naturally arouse4 ,it ought to be superfluous to say that talking aloud1 or continuous whispering during the progress of a play or opera or concert1 usually on topics foreign to the occasion1 is a rudeness to the performers and a bold impertinence to the rest of the audience4 ,some people are guilty of this insolence wittingly and unblushingly4 ,for such we have no word of advice4 ,such instances should be met by something more effective than gentle influence4 ,but many1 especially young people1 talk and laugh thoughtlessly1 and from mere exuberance of animal spirits4 ,it is to be hoped that on pausing to reflect they will carefully avoid forming a habit of public misbehavior that will ultimately rank them in the social scale as confirmed vulgarians4 ,an intelligent listener never interrupts4 ,between the scenes of a play1 or the successive numbers of a concert programme1 there are pauses long enough for a brief exchange of comment between two friends who are sharing an entertainment1 and they may enjoy the pleasure of thus comparing notes without once disturbing the order of the time and place4 ,at a spectacular entertainment1 it is very rude for those in front to stand up in order to see better1 thus cutting off all view for those back of them4 ,the disposition to do this is very strong in rural audiences1 where the flat floor of the school-house or hall gives little chance for the observers seated back of the first few rows4 ,but one may better lose part of the tableau on the stage than to furnish another one on the floor of the house4 ,at a lecture1 a special personal respect is due to the speaker4 ,this is shown by a courteous attention and a general demeanor of interest and appreciation4 ,if applause is merited1 it should be given in a refined manner4 ,the stamping of the feet is coarse1 and the pounding of the floor with canes and umbrellas is as lazy as it is noisy4 ,the clapping of hands is a natural language of delight1 and1 when skillfully done1 is an enthusiastic expression of approbation4 ,some effort is being made to substitute the waving of handkerchiefs as a symbol of approval or greeting to a favorite speaker1 but it is quite probable that this silent signal will not take the place of the more active demonstration of clapping the hands1 except on very quiet and intellectual occasions4 ,shall ladies join in applause8 ,as a matter of fact1 women seldom applaud1 but not because propriety necessarily forbids2 it is chiefly because the tight-fitting kid glove renders clapping a mechanical impossibility4 ,feminine enthusiasm is quite equal to it at times1 as1 for instance1 when listening to a favorite elocutionist or violinist4 ,there is no reason why ladies may not clap1 if they can4 ,it certainly is quite as lady-like and orderly as for them to give vent to their enthusiasm1 as many do1 in audible exclamations of ,too sweet for anything6 ,just too lovely6 etc41 all of which might have been conducted off at the finger-tips if hand-clapping had been a feasible medium of expression4 ,applause may be a very effective and graceful exponent of gentlemanly appreciation if given with discrimination2 but if too ready and frequent1 it ceases to have any point1 and becomes commonplace4 ,while a man of taste will applaud heartily on occasion1 he will refrain from extravagant and continuous clapping4 ,the observance of the proprieties of time1 place1 and occasion are nowhere more urgent than at church4 ,much of the liberty that is granted on secular occasions is entirely out of place in church4 ,while quiet greetings may be exchanged at the church door1 or in the outer vestibules1 before and after service1 it is not decorous to chat sociably along the aisles1 or hold a gossiping conference in whispers with some one in the neighboring pew4 ,i have in mind one woman1 who ought to have known better1 whose sibilant utterances--just five pews distant--came to be a regular part of the five minutes' pause immediately before the service began4 ,her conversation was usually directed to another woman1 who1 likewise1 should have known better than to listen4 ,the silent vault of the church roof echoed to the vigorous whispering up to the instant that the clergyman began1 in low monotone1 ,the ,lord is in ,his holy temple--a fact which the whisperer had obviously forgotten--let all the earth keep silence before ,him--an injunction which she never seemed to be able to remember from week to week4 ,it is one of the worst violations of good form to behave with levity in church4 ,to devout people the church is the place for meditation and prayer1 and nothing should be allowed to disturb the restful calm that is sought within its sacred walls4 ,a well-bred agnostic will respect the religious sentiments of other people1 whatever his own beliefs or disbeliefs in matters theological4 ,if no higher law is recognized1 at least every one will regard the etiquette of the case1 which requires that the demeanor of every one within the walls of the church shall be reverent4 ,it is proper to dress plainly and neatly for church2 to enter the portal quietly1 to walk up the aisle in a leisurely but direct way1 and be seated at once with an air of repose4 ,if cushions or books require rearranging1 it should be done with as little effort as possible4 ,every movement should be quiet1 and the rattling of fans and of books in the rack1 and fidgeting changes of position should be avoided4 ,the movements in rising1 sitting1 and kneeling should be deliberate enough for grace1 and cautious enough to avert accidents1 like hitting the pew-railings1 knocking down umbrellas1 or kicking over footstools4 ,no sounds but the inevitable rustle of garments should attend the changes of posture during the service4 ,not unfrequently several canes and as many hymn-books clatter to the floor with each rise of the congregation1 because of somebody's nervous haste4 ,children are often responsible for these little accidents1 and of course are excusable1 but they should be early taught to observe caution in these little matters4 ,the clergyman should have the undivided attention of his hearers4 ,during the lesson and the sermon1 one should watch the face of the reader1 or speaker1 and give to the minister all the inspiration that an earnest expounder may find in the face of an intelligent listener4 ,it is probably thoughtless1 not intentional1 disrespect--but still disrespect--for a person to spend sermon time studying the stained-glass windows or the symbolical fresco1 interesting as these things may be4 ,the singing of the choir may be good2 if so1 one should not listen to it with the air of a connoisseur at a grand concert4 ,or the singing may be very poor2 that fact should not be emphasized by the scowling countenance of the critic in the pews4 ,a mind absorbed in true devotion does not measure church singing by secular standards4 ,the spirit may be woefully lacking in the most artistic rendition3 it may be vitally present in the most humble song of worship4 ,while we may with righteous indignation condemn the sacrilege of a spiritless or irreverent singing of the sublime service of the church1 it is very bad form to sneer at the earnest and sincere work of a choir whose limitations1 in natural gifts or culture1 render their work somewhat commonplace4 ,it is good form to respect all that is honest in religion1 and to reserve sharp criticism for the shams and hypocrisies that cast discredit on the church4 ,a regular pew-owner in a church should be hospitable to strangers1 and cheerfully give them a place in his pew1 offering them books and hymnals1 and aiding them to follow the service if they seem to be unaccustomed to its forms4 ,at the same time it is only fair to say that this duty becomes a heavy tax on generosity and patience when1 as in some very popular churches1 a floating crowd of sight-seers each ,sunday invade the pews1 to the serious discomfort of the regular occupants4 ,people who attend church as strangers should remember that they do so by courtesy of the regular attendants4 ,a broad view of the church opening its doors to all the world is theoretically true1 but practically subject to provisos4 ,a church visitor who observes much the same care not to be intrusive which good form would require him to observe if visiting at a private house1 will usually be rewarded with a polite welcome4 ,the stranger attending church should wait at the foot of the aisle until an usher conducts him to a seat1 as the usher will know where a stranger can be received with least inconvenience to others in the pew4 ,the stranger should not take possession of family hymn-books1 or fans1 or select the best hassock1 or otherwise appropriate the comforts of the pew1 unless invited to do so by the owner1 whose guest he is1 in a sense4 ,if attentions are not shown him1 he must not betray surprise or resentment1 nor look around speculatively for the hymn-book that is not forthcoming4 ,if the service is strange to him1 he should at least conform to its salient forms1 rising with the congregation1 and not sitting throughout like a stolid spectator of a scene in which he has no part4 ,the head should be bowed during the prayers1 and the eyes at least cast down1 if not closed4 ,to sit and stare at a minister while he is praying is a grotesque rudeness worthy of a heathen barbarian1 yet one sometimes committed by the civilized ,caucasian4 ,the incident may escape the knowledge of the well-mannered portion of the congregation1 who are themselves bowed in reverent attitude2 but the roving eye of some infant discovers the fact1 and it is at once announced2 and worst of all1 the child unconsciously gets an influential lesson in misbehavior in church from the important man who thus disregards the proprieties4 ,,bearing ,,and ,,speech ,physical culture may be a fad1 but its aesthetic results are conceded4 ,the graceful control of the body is the basis of a fine manner4 ,it is an opinion of long standing that children should be taught to dance in order to develop grace of movement4 ,yet dancing1 merely1 gives but a limited training of the muscles compared with the all-round exercise now taken in gymnasiums and classes for physical culture4 ,it is recommended that all who are deficient in manner1 or who suffer an embarrassing self-consciousness because of their awkwardness of pose or movement1 should take a course of training under an intelligent teacher1 until every muscle learns its proper office4 ,with the self-command which this training gives1 ease of manner and dignity of bearing follow naturally2 to say nothing of the serenity of mind that lies back of all this pleasing exterior4 ,the effect of this bodily grace is to prepossess the beholder4 ,first impressions are received through the eye4 ,before a word is spoken1 the pose and carriage convey a significant announcement of character and breeding4 ,a thorough practical knowledge of elocution and constant application of its principles to conversational utterances are requisite to refined speech4 ,errors in pronunciation1 hasty and indistinct enunciation1 the dropping out of entire syllables in curt phrasing1 are common faults of careless people who know better1 and who would be very much chagrined to find themselves accounted to be as ignorant as their speech might indicate them to be4 ,a varied vocabulary used with discrimination indicates intelligence and culture4 ,a single word uttered may reveal grace1 or betray awkwardness4 ,in the social interchange1 one must not only suit the action to the word1 but equally suit the word to the action4 ,careless speech often belies civil intentions4 ,say ,thank-you1 not ,thanks1--a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation4 ,if you say ,pardon me1 let your manner indicate a dignified apology4 ,i beg your pardon1 is sometimes only the insolent preface to a flat and angry contradiction4 ,in most phrases of compliment1 the words derive their real significance from the manner of the speaker4 ,there is a difference of opinion as to whether people of social equality should add ,sir and ,ma'am to the responses ,yes and ,no2 and especially1 whether children should be taught to do so4 ,the ,english fashion--largely copied by ,americans--does not favor it4 ,certainly1 children can learn to say ,yes and ,no with the courteous manner that implies all that the added ,sir might convey4 ,but1 are not some young ,americans too ready to take advantage of this permitted lapse of verbal deference8 ,and1 back of the verbal lapse is there not a distinct lapse of the deference itself8 ,it might be well to begin to counteract this irreverent tendency of the age1 by cultivating a more respectful and appreciative spirit4 ,then1 the polite word will come spontaneously to the lips4 ,it will be a matter of morals1 essentially3 of manners1 incidentally4 ,deplorable as a heedless curtness of speech is1 it is hardly more unpleasant than the artificial mincing of words that some children are drilled into 7or learn by imitation of their elders74 ,this superficial effusiveness1 supposed to be pretty manners1 is related more to subjective vanity than to objective courtesy4 ,not allowed to say ,sir1 they substitute the name or title of the person addressed1--which1 when introduced occasionally and unobtrusively1 is a graceful personal recognition2 but when overdone1 as too often observed1 the constant iteration of ,yes1 ,mr4 ,brown1--,no1 ,mrs4 ,black1 etc41 grows to be a maddening exposition of precocious affectation4 ,having observed the vagaries of this fashion in phrasing for several years1 ,i have come to the conclusion that the plain ,sir of former times1--which1 to the well-brought-up child1 was a practical application of the ,fifth ,commandment1--is much to be preferred to the fussy elaboration of personal address that has superseded it4 ,indications at present are1 that the old-fashioned ,sir and ,madam are coming into their own again1 among truly courteous people4 ,but whatever the fickle fashion of the hour may be1 it is important to enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of good manners4 ,if this right spirit be lacking1 no words can fill the blank4 ,if an ugly spirit dwells within1 no word of compliment can veil its evil face4 ,but though the good spirit be there1 with all its generous impulses and kindly feeling1 it needs the concrete expression2 otherwise1 its very existence may remain unknown4 ,a man that hath friends must show himself friendly4 ,pose1 bearing1 facial expression1 the winning smile1--all these are silently eloquent2 but1 to convey the perfect message from soul to soul1 there must be added the word fitly spoken4 ,,self-,,command ,a theme for a volume6 ,briefly1 it is the mark of a well-disciplined mind to be able to meet all emergencies calmly4 ,though china break1 and gravy spill1 the hostess and the guest must not allow the accident to ruffle their perfect serenity of manner4 ,nor is it merely a point of etiquette to be thus self-controlled4 ,serious accidents sometimes happen1 like the igniting of fancy lamp-shades or filmy curtains1 and then the calm poise of a well-bred man becomes of practical value to himself and others4 ,a habit of keeping cool--formed originally for good manners' sake--may save one's life in some crisis of danger4 ,control of temper is one of the most valuable results of training in the etiquette of calm behavior4 ,manifestations of ill-temper may be the occasional outburst of a spirit that dwells under the shadow of an ancestral curse1 but which in its better moments grieves in sackcloth and ashes over its yielding to wild1 ungovernable impulse4 ,such people are often generous and self-sacrificing in the main1 though causing so much sorrow and disaster to others by these occasional whirlwinds of passion4 ,in all that delicacy of feeling and usual regard for the amenities indicate1 they are well-bred4 ,to say that they are not is as ungenerous as to criticise the conduct of the insane4 ,but habitual1 cold-blooded1 and willful ill-temper--the trade-mark of unmitigated selfishness--is indisputably ill-bred4 ,whatever the tendency1 temperament1 or temptation1 good form requires the cultivation and the exhibition of good humor and a disposition to take a cheerful and generous view of people and things4 ,this calm serenity does not mean weakness or moral cowardice4 ,the dignity that forbids one to be rude also forbids one to endure insolence4 ,a gentleman may scathe a liar in plain unvarnished terms1 and yet not lose a particle of his own repose of manner2 and the higher his own standards are1 the more merciless will be his denunciation of what he holds to be deserving of rebuke4 ,but through it all1 he has his own spirit well in hand1 under curb and rein4 ,the ominous calm of a well-bred man is a terror to the garrulous bully4 ,it is the triumph of mind over matter4 ,next to the etiquette of self-control--and1 if anything1 harder to comply with--is the etiquette of forbearance1 which is often overlooked2 for people who have high standards themselves are apt to be intolerant of gross offenders against social rules4 ,those who by inheritance or by culture are blessed with a logical mind and an equable temper1 should be lenient in judging cruder people1 whose dense ignorance aggravating their malicious intent1 causes them to do astounding violence to the principles of morality and etiquette alike1 by exhibitions of ugly temper4 ,only by making allowances can the conduct of some people be accounted less than criminal4 ,let all reflect that it is impossible to be a lady1 or a gentleman1 without gentle manners4 ,a ,,few ,,points ,,on ,,dress ,perfect congruity is the secret of successful dressing4 ,the first harmony to be observed is that between the dress and the wearer's purse4 ,good form considers not merely what can be paid for without going in debt1 but what can be purchased without cramping the resources in some other direction and destroying the proper balance of one's expenditures4 ,the girl who uses a month's salary to buy one fine gown1 and denies herself in the matter of needed hosiery to make up for the extravagance1 is dressing beyond her means1 and is violating good form in so doing4 ,a simple gown that allows for all suitable accessories is always lady-like4 ,the second point of harmony is the appropriateness of dress to the occasion when it is worn4 ,dinners1 balls1 and formal receptions are occasions that call for handsome dress4 ,this may range in cost to include some very inexpensive but artistic costumes1 the quality of good style not being confined to the richest fabrics4 ,but the inexpensive gown should have a character of its own1 and not be suspected of any attempt to imitate its priceless rivals4 ,the degree of full-dress worn at dinner varies with the formality of the occasion and the fashions prevailing in the social circle represented4 ,on very grand occasions a very rich and stylish costume may be required4 ,in general1 a lady wears her choicest silk or velvet gown at a dinner4 ,the intrinsic value of the fabric is more important in dinner dress than in dress worn on other occasions1 since the company are few in number and thrown into close proximity1 where leisurely observation and criticism are inevitable4 ,a gown that would pass muster in a crowd1 may not stand the calm scrutiny of the dinner-table fourteen4 ,the style of cut and the trimmings of a dinner gown may be as severely plain or as voluminously dressy as the character of the occasion and the personnel of the company may indicate and the wearer's instinctive sense of propriety may suggest4 ,a ball or a formal reception in the evening is a time to display one's prettiest gowns and all the jewels which one possesses4 ,fabrics of infinite variety1 from velvet and brocade to diaphanous tissues1 are suitable2 and the possibilities in trimmings1 in lace and flowers and jeweled ornaments1 are unlimited4 ,in the fancy costumes suitable for these showy occasions there is wide opportunity for the ingenious girl to make herself bewitching without greatly depleting her purse4 ,the most becomingly dressed woman is not always the most expensively dressed4 ,general effect strikes the eye of the observer who has not time to study special quality in the kaleidoscopic scene presented by the ball-room or reception throng4 ,at an afternoon tea1 the hostess should dress richly enough for dignity1 but without ostentation4 ,as on all occasions1 a woman should never be over-dressed in her own house4 ,her gown should not be so gorgeous that any one of her guests1 even the poorest1 need feel embarrassed by the contrast4 ,if several ladies join the hostess in receiving1 they wear handsome reception toilets4 ,other guests come in ordinary walking dress1 but it should be stylish and well-kept4 ,a second-best gown1 though neat enough for informal calls1 may not be elegant enough for a tea or for formal visiting4 ,but if a lady's means are limited1 and her well-preserved old gown is the best that she can command1 perfect neatness and a delicate disposal of lingerie will disguise the ravages of time1 and make the auld cla'es look a'maist as weel's the new4 ,indeed1 effective dressing1 ultimately resolved1 is a matter of refined ingenuity4 ,as ,david1 subtly endued with power1 with a smooth stone from the brook vanquished the armor-clad ,philistine giant1 so the woman with a genius for the artistic details of dress1 even though it be a last-year's gown1 may triumph over another who has blindly clad herself according to the latest conventional pattern1 but without regard to what is becoming to herself4 ,happy the woman whose bank account permits her to give perfect expression to her taste4 ,not so happy1 but still happy1 the woman whose taste meets the emergency1 despite a slender purse4 ,but oh6 most miserable the woman of stolid1 unimaginative nature1 whose luxurious wardrobe suggests nothing but the dollar-mark4 ,not that ,i advance the poetical idea of sweet simplicity always and everywhere4 ,not that the rich gown is in itself objectionable1 or the inexpensive dress intrinsically beautiful4 ,it is not invariably true that beauty unadorned is most adorned4 ,it is not true that a simple calico is more charming than a sheeny silk1 nor is cotton edging to be compared with point or duchess lace4 ,but the really beautiful in dress1 as before stated1 lies in its perfect congruity4 ,according to this standard1 the calico is sometimes more effective than the silk1 and vice versa2 and neither is effective if worn at inappropriate times1 or under unsuitable conditions4 ,fashion is daring1 and every now and then announces some startling innovation in the way of gay street-dress4 ,but the public sentiment of refined people is so definitely fixed in favor of quiet dress for public thoroughfares that these daring fashions soon become the sole property of the ignorant class4 ,dress for church1 or for business1 should be plain in design1 and subdued in color2 and for most occasions when a lady walks to pay visits or calls1 a plain tailor-made costume is most suitable4 ,carriage dress may be gayer in colors1 and more dressy in style of cut and trimmings4 ,when a party of ladies attend the theatre1 unaccompanied by a male escort1 or with no conveyance but the street-car1 ordinary walking costume1 with quiet bonnets or hats1 is correct style4 ,box parties1 presumably arriving in carriages1 may dress as prettily as they choose1 subject to the general laws of taste4 ,a woman should not mix up her wardrobe1 and wear a theatre bonnet to church1 or carry a coaching parasol to a funeral4 ,black1 or very subdued colors1 should be worn to a funeral4 ,any color1 except black1 may be worn by a guest at a wedding4 ,black lace may be used in the trimmings of rich-colored gowns 7though white lace is preferable72 but solid black is not allowable4 ,women who are wearing mourning sometimes lay it aside to attend a wedding1 substituting a lavender or violet gown1 or1 in some places1 a deep red1 usually in some rich fabric1 as velvet or plush4 ,the etiquette of wearing mourning is less rigorous than formerly4 ,the tendency is more and more to leave the matter to individual feeling4 ,when the mourning garb is adopted1 the periods of wearing are shorter1 and the phases of change from heaviest to lightest are fewer and less punctilious4 ,whether a full mourning dress of crepe be worn1 or not1 it is generally conceded that it is more respectful to wear plain black than to appear in colors during the months immediately following the death of a near relative4 ,the length of time that mourning dress should be worn is a matter of taste2 but it should not be laid aside too soon1 as though the wearing were an unpleasant duty2 nor should it be worn too long1 for the sombre robe has a depressing effect on others1 especially invalids and children4 ,those who prefer to follow a strict law of etiquette in mourning will observe the following rules3 ,a widow wears deep mourning of woolen stuffs and crepe for two years4 ,similar mourning is worn one year for a parent1 or a brother or sister4 ,for other near relatives1 from three to six months1 according to degrees of relationship1 is considered a respectful period for mourning4 ,a man's wife wears the same degrees of mourning for his near relatives that she would wear for members of her own family4 ,in all cases1 the mourning should be lightened by degrees4 ,plain black silk1 without crepe1 and trimmed with jet1 belongs to a secondary period4 ,changes are made gradually through black and white combinations1 before colors are again worn4 ,during the period of heavy mourning1 it is not proper to attend the theatre or opera1 or other gay place of amusement2 nor to pay formal visits1 or attend receptions1 except it may be the marriage of a near friend1 for which occasion the mourning dress is temporarily laid aside4 ,as a matter of respect1 no invitations of a gay social character are sent to the recently afflicted4 ,after three months1 such invitations may be sent2 of course1 not with any expectation that they will be accepted1 but merely to show that1 though temporarily in seclusion1 the bereaved ones are kindly remembered4 ,for men the etiquette of mourning is less conspicuous but equally formal as far as it goes4 ,the periods of wearing mourning are usually shorter than those observed by women in similar cases1 probably because the life of business men is not confined to the social world1 and its restrictions are less binding upon them in details4 ,at the funeral of a near relative1 a man wears black1 including gloves1 and a mourning band around his hat4 ,subsequently he may continue to wear black for several months1 or1 if this is not feasible1 the hat-band of bombazine is accounted a sufficient mark of respect4 ,the width of the band may be graduated1 sometimes covering the surface to within an inch of the top1 sometimes being only two or three inches wide4 ,as to the etiquette of men's dress in general1 the tale is soon told4 ,the dress-suit is worn only at dinner and in the evening4 ,at any hour after six o'clock1 a man may with propriety appear anywhere in a dress suit1 though it is required only on formal occasions4 ,before dinner1 morning dress is worn--the frock coat1 or a business suit with its four-buttoned cut-away4 ,as to the minute details of cut and dimensions1 the prevailing style of linen and ties1 etc4--very appropriately called notions--these things vary from season to season4 ,the well-dressed man will consult his tailor and furnisher4 ,hats1 boots1 and gloves1 the extremes of every perfect costume1 are important exponents of good style2 and careful attention to their choice and wearing is essential to complete and effective dressing4 ,,personal ,,habits ,neatness in personal habits is the first mark of good breeding that strikes the observer4 ,not that a dandy is always a gentleman2 but an habitual sloven cannot be4 ,the clothing worn at work may be unavoidably soiled2 as also the hands1 when occupations involve the handling of dirty substances4 ,but a little water clears us of this deed2 how easy is't then6 ,the neatly-dressed hair1 the fresh clean skin1 the well-kept teeth1 the smooth polished nails1 the spotless linen and the tasteful tie1 the well-brushed clothing and the tidy boots1 are all points of good form in personal appearance4 ,the toilet once made should be considered finished4 ,the hands should not stray to the hair to re-adjust hair-pins--an absent-minded habit4 ,the nervous toying with ear-rings or brooches1 or dress buttons1 is another mannerism to be guarded against4 ,the hands should learn the grace of repose4 ,it is a great triumph of nervous control for a woman to hold her hands still when they are not definitely employed4 ,if the attitudes of sitting and standing are practiced under the direction of the teacher of physical culture1 one will probably be innocent of such solecisms as thrusting the feet out to display the shoes2 sitting sideways1 or cross-legged2 or slipping half-way down in the chair2 or bending over a book in round-shouldered position2 rocking violently2 beating a noisy tattoo with impatient toes2 or standing on one foot with the body thrown out of line1 etc41 etc4 ,scratching the head or ears1 and picking the teeth1 are operations that are properly attended to in one's own dressing-room4 ,the conspicuous use of the handkerchief is in bad form4 ,blowing the nose is not a pleasant demonstration at any time1 and at the table is simply unpardonable4 ,a person of fastidious taste will take care of the nose in the quietest and most unobtrusive way1 and refrain from disgusting other people of fastidious taste4 ,familiarity breeds contempt4 ,laying the hand upon another's head or shoulder1 clinging to the arms or about the waist1 is a freedom that only near relationship or close friendship will excuse4 ,among slight acquaintances it is an unwarrantable liberty4 ,even at the impulsive school-girl age young ladies should be taught to repel such under-bred familiarities4 ,,social ,,co-,,operation ,those who accept a social invitation virtually pledge themselves to bear a part in making the entertainment an agreeable success4 ,whether one's talent lies in conversation1 or music1 or in the rare gift for commingling and promoting harmonies in a social gathering1 he or she should feel bound to make some effort to add to the pleasure of the occasion4 ,young men who attend private balls should be obliging about dancing1 and amiably assist the hostess in finding partners for the shy or unattractive girls1 who are liable to be neglected by selfish young people4 ,not to make an effort to contribute to the success of the affair is a negative fault1 perhaps4 ,but what shall we say of those whose influence is positively adverse8--those who attend a party with curious eyes bent upon picking flaws1 and who indulge in jealous depreciation2 or who1 in a spirit of social rivalry1 make a note of points1 with a view to outdoing the hostess in the near future4 ,such a spirit--and its presence is not easily veiled--is a veritable ,achan in the camp2 and a few such rude people can poison the atmosphere of an otherwise genial reception4 ,verily1 they have their reward1 for the stamp of ill-breeding is set on their querulous little faces4 ,but1 if such spirits contribute nothing to the social fund1--because they have nothing to contribute1--you1 who have1 must do double duty4 ,and nothing is more needed than tactful conversation4 ,the oddest criticism that ,i have ever encountered from a reviewer was the laconic and cynical remark 7commenting upon my rather altruistic belief in the duty of giving one's best thought to the conversational circle71 that ,nowadays1 people don't talk3 if they have any good ideas1 they save them and write them out and sell them4 ,the critic implied that1 otherwise1 in this age of universal scribbling1 some plagiarist would appropriate these ideas and hurry them to the magazine market before the original thinker had time to fix the jewel in a setting of his own4 ,of course1 the little brain thief is common enough2 but it had never occurred to me to be so wary4 ,it struck me with the full force of novelty1 that any one should be deterred from speech by such a consideration4 ,i have since wondered whether that particular phase of serpent-wisdom accounts for the non-committal silences with which some well-known wits entertain the social circle1 the while a despairing hostess is making the best of such help as a few lively chatterboxes can give her4 ,not that ,i ever saw any notably superior talkers struck dumb in this way2 ,richard ,brinsley ,sheridan never was1 if ,i recall correctly4 ,why should you be8 ,if your bright idea is stolen1 you can spare it2 if you are truly bright1 you have many more where that one came from4 ,but beware of forced brightness4 ,wit is nothing if not spontaneous4 ,if nature has not endowed you with the instantaneous perception of contrasts and incongruities1 out of which flashes the swift conceit called wit1 do not imagine you are dull or uninteresting4 ,there are other gifts and graces less superficial1 far more rare1 and ultimately more influential1 than wit4 ,and though you are witty1 do not talk nonsense over-much4 ,remember that it is the little nonsense now and then that is relished by the best of men4 ,it is perilously easy to weary people with the smart style of talk4 ,but let your cheerful sense1 grave or gay1 be as good an offering to your friends as you know how to make4 ,your next special occasion--for which you might have saved all these things--will lose nothing of value4 ,it may rather gain fourfold1 by the reflex inspiration that replenishes every unselfish outpouring of the nobler social spirit4 ,,on ,,the ,,wing ,travelers have certain rights guaranteed by their regularly-purchased tickets4 ,within such bounds they are privileged to claim all comforts and immunities4 ,but the mannerly tourist will claim no more4 ,he will not take up more room than he is entitled to while other passengers are discommoded4 ,nor will he persist in keeping his particular window open when the draught and the cinders therefrom are troublesome or dangerous to other people4 ,if travelers carry a lunch-basket1 they should discuss its contents quietly1 and be careful not to litter the floor with crumbs1 or the debris of fruits and nuts1 nor to leave any trace of its presence after the luncheon is finished4 ,if a lady is traveling under the escort of a gentleman1 she will give him as little trouble as possible4 ,she will amuse herself by reading1 or studying the landscape1 leaving him at liberty to choose similar diversions when conversation grows tedious4 ,she will carry few parcels1 and if possible will have arranged for some one to meet her at her station1 so that her obliging guardian need not be taxed to look after her beyond the railway journey's end4 ,if the gentleman has attended to the purchase of tickets1 and the paying of dining-car fees1 etc41 the lady will repay those expenditures1 as a matter of course1 thanking him for the trouble that he has taken to give her safe conduct4 ,a gentleman thus traveling as escort will attend to all matters of tickets1 the checking of baggage1 etc42 and will see that the lady is comfortably settled for her journey1 with some thoughtful provision in the way of magazines1 and possibly a basket of fine fruit4 ,he will see that the porter and the maid 7if there is one7 are attentive to her comfort1 and will not relinquish his charge until he leaves her1 either at her final destination1 or in the care of some one authorized to relieve him of the responsibility4 ,he will perform all these duties cheerfully1 and endeavor to convey the idea that it is a pleasure to him2 and this will be better shown in his manner than by any conventional protestations4 ,there ought not to be such a thing as hotel manners4 ,but there is2 and it suggests certain important injunctions4 ,hotel partitions are usually thin1 and sounds are penetrating4 ,private affairs should not be loudly discussed4 ,tourists should learn to converse in quiet tones1 and to make as little racket as possible with furniture1 boots1 etc41 and to be polite enough not to keep other guests awake late at night with the noise of music1 laughter1 or loud talking4 ,the manners at table1 in the reading-rooms1 and about the corridors should conform to whatever law of etiquette in private or public life the incidents may indicate2 since1 at a hotel1 one is both at home and not at home1 in two different aspects4 ,in driving with ladies1 a gentleman gives them the seat facing the horses1 riding backward himself if any one must4 ,he will alight from the carriage first1 on the side nearest his seat1 to avoid passing in front of the ladies2 and will assist them to alight1 giving as much or as little support as the case demands4 ,a light finger-tip on an elbow is all the help that a sprightly girl may need1 but her grandmother may require to be tenderly lifted out bodily4 ,a gentleman will discriminate1 and not use an uncalled-for familiarity in helping a lady out of a carriage4 ,when several ladies are driving1 the youngest ones in the party will ride backwards4 ,a hostess driving with her guests enters her carriage after them1 unless they are noticeably younger than she is2 but she does not relinquish her usual seat to any one1 unless she happens to have a party of venerable ladies4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,gifts ,wedding presents should be chosen with due reference to the circumstances of the bride4 ,for the daughter of wealthy parents1 who weds a husband of large means--and to whom all desirable useful things are assured--articles of virtu1 and bewildering creations in the way of costly fancy articles1 are suitable wedding gifts4 ,for a quiet little bride who is going to housekeeping on a moderate income1 articles that are useful as well as beautiful are appropriate and acceptable4 ,a handsome substantial chair1 a cabinet for china1 pretty china to put in it1 some standard books1 a set of fine table linen1--almost anything within the range of dainty house-furnishing shows the good taste of the giver4 ,presents that owe their creation to the ingenuity and labor of one's friends--as hand-painted screens or china1 embroidered work1 or1 if one is artistic1 a painting or etching--are peculiarly complimentary wedding gifts4 ,in general1 the exchange of gifts is desirable only between friends who care enough for each other not only to give1 but to be willing to accept--the latter being a severer test of friendship4 ,between two women1 or between two men1 these matters adjust themselves4 ,a man should not offer valuable gifts to any lady outside of his own family1 unless she is very much his senior1 and a friend of long standing4 ,similarly1 a lady should not accept valuable gifts from a gentleman unless his relationship to her warrants it4 ,trifling tokens of friendship or gallantry--a book1 a bouquet1 or a basket of bon-bons--are not amiss2 but a lady should not be under obligation to a man for presents that plainly represent a considerable money value4 ,when a gift is accepted1 the recipient should not make too obvious haste to return the compliment1 lest he or she seem unwilling to rest under obligation4 ,it is polite to allow a generous friend some space of time in which to enjoy the blessedness of giving4 ,independence is an excellent thing2 but it becomes peculiarly rude when it takes the form of refusing all trifling favors4 ,it is often the greatest wisdom as well as kindness1 to allow some one to do us a favor4 ,enemies have been transformed into friends by this tactful process2 for1 as one always hates one whom he has injured1 so1 on the reverse1 he cannot help feeling an increased glow of kindliness toward one whom he has benefited4 ,when some unsophisticated person innocently offers a gift that strict conventionality would forbid one to accept1 it is sometimes better to suspend the rules and accept the token1 than by refusal to hurt the feelings of one who has perhaps offended the letter1 but not the spirit1 of the law4 ,gifts of flowers to the convalescent--tokens that the busy outside world has not forgotten him--are among the most graceful expressions of courteous interest4 ,any one--even a total stranger--may send these1 if the spirit moves1 and the circumstances are such that the act could bear no possible misinterpretation4 ,,gallantry ,,and ,,coquetry ,that a man enjoys the society of a charming woman1 that a woman delights in the conversation of a brilliant man1 is no sign that either of them is a flirt4 ,few things are more vulgar than the readiness to infer a flirtation from every case of marked mutual interest between a man and a woman4 ,the interchange of bright ideas1 interspersed with the spontaneous sallies of gallantry and the instinctive repartee of innocent coquetry--an archery of wit and humor1 grave and gay1--this is one of the salient features of civilized social life4 ,it has nothing in common with the shallow travesty of sentiment that characterizes a pointless flirtation4 ,the latter is bad form whenever and wherever existing4 ,a sincere sentiment is not reduced to the straits of expressing itself in such uncertain language4 ,it is fair to conclude that some insincerity1 or some lack of a correct basis for sentiment1 is betrayed in every pointless flirtation4 ,it is hopelessly bad form4 ,young people who gratify vanity by idle conquests1 so called1 make a sufficiently conspicuous show of ill-breeding2 but a married flirt is worse than vulgar4 ,a woman may accept every tribute that a chivalrous man may offer to her talent or wit1 so long as it is expressed in a hearty spirit of good comradeship1 and with a clear and unmistakable deference to her self-respecting dignity2 but a well-bred woman will resent as an insult to her womanhood any quasi-sentimental overtures from a man who has not the right to make them4 ,etiquette requires that the association of men and women in refined circles shall be frank without freedom1 friendly without familiarity4 ,flirting is a plebeian diversion4 ,every well-bred woman is a queen1 for whose sake every well-bred man will hold a lance in rets4 ,,in ,,conclusion ,since censoriousness is a quality utterly antagonistic to good manners1 it is well to reflect that1 while etiquette lays down many laws1 it also indulgently grants generous absolution4 ,while we decide that certain forms and methods of action are correct and good form1 we must remember that all people1 ourselves included1 are liable to be occasionally remiss in little things1 and that we must not too hastily decide a man's status on the score of breeding by his punctilious observance of conventional laws4 ,there are some requirements of etiquette that have their foundation in the idea of convenience or feasibility2 others that are essentially requisite as the exponent of decency4 ,a man may easily be far from perfect in details of the former class1 and yet be a refined gentleman2 but he cannot offend in the latter class of instances without being a boor4 ,something worse than eating with his knife must ostracize a man1 and something no greater than spitting on the sidewalk should accomplish the feat at one fell stroke4 ,there is an infallible constancy in good breeding4 ,like charity1 of which it is so largely an exponent1 it never faileth4 ,one's manner to two different people1 respectively1 may not be the same1 but it should be equally courteous1 whether it expresses the cordial friendliness of social equals or the just esteem of one either higher or lower than one's self in the social scale4 ,no man is a hero to his valet1 because the heroic is confined to great and rare occasions4 ,but every gentleman is a gentleman to his valet1 for the qualities that distinguish the gentleman are every day and every hour manifested4