,transcribed from the #aijj ,oliphant ,anderson ,ferrier edition by ,david ,price1 email ccx#jgdpglaf4org ,,theodidacta ,,afficiens ,,inflammans ,santa ,teresa3 an ,appreciation ,with some of the best passages of the ,saint's ,writings ,selected ,adapted and ,arranged by ,alexander ,whyte ,d4,d4 ,oliphant ,anderson ,ferrier ,saint ,mary ,street1 ,edinburgh1 and #ba ,paternoster ,square1 ,london #aijj ,third ,edition ,completing #fjjj copies ,edinburgh3 ,t4 and ,a4 ,,constable1 ,printers to her ,majesty ,,appreciation ,,and ,,introduction ,with a view to the work of my classes this session1 ,i took old ,abraham ,woodhead's two black-letter quartos with me to the ,engadine last ,july4 ,and ,i spent every rainy morning and every tired evening of that memorable holiday month in the society of ,santa ,teresa and her excellent old-,english translator4 ,till1 ever1 as ,i crossed the ,morteratch and the ,roseg1 and climbed the hills around ,maloggia and ,pontresina1 a voice would come after me1 saying to me1 ,why should you not share all this spiritual profit and intellectual delight with your ,sabbath evening congregations1 and with your young men's and young women's classes8 ,why should you not introduce ,santa ,teresa to her daughters in ,edinburgh8 ,for her daughters they are1 so soon and as long as they live in self-knowledge and in self-denial1 in humility and in meekness1 and especially in unceasing prayer for themselves and for others4 ,and ,i am not without some assurance that in this present lecture ,i am both hearing and obeying one of those same locutions that ,teresa heard so frequently1 and obeyed with such instancy and fidelity and fruitfulness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,luther was born in #adhc1 and he nailed his ninety-five theses to the door of the ,university ,church of ,wittenberg on the #cast ,october #aeag4 ,loyola was born in #adia1 and ,xavier in #aejf1 and the ,society of ,jesus was established in #aecd4 ,isabella the ,catholic was born in #adea1 and our own ,protestant ,elizabeth in #aecc4 ,the ,spanish ,inquisition began to sit in #adhc1 the ,breviary was finally settled in #aefh1 and the ,armada was destroyed in #aehh4 ,columbus was born in #addf1 and he set out on his great enterprise in #adib4 ,cervantes was born in #aedg1 and the ,first ,part of his immortal work was published in #afje4 ,and it is to be read in ,santa ,teresa's ,breviary to this day that ,teresa the ,sinner was born on the #bith day of ,march #aeae1 at five o'clock in the morning4 ,she died in #aehb1 and in #afbb she was publicly canonised at ,rome along with ,loyola and ,xavier and two other ,spanish saints4 ,teresa was greatly blessed in both her parents4 ',it helped me much that ,i never saw my father or my mother respect anything in any one but goodness4' ,her father was a great reader of the best books1 and he took great pains that his children should form the same happy habit and should carefully cultivate the same excellent taste4 ,her mother1 while a ,christian gentlewoman of the first social standing1 did not share her husband's love of serious literature4 ,she passed far too much of her short lifetime among the romances of the day1 till her daughter has to confess that she took no little harm from the books that did her mother no harm but pastime to read4 ,as for other things1 her father's house was a perfect model of the very best morals and the very best manners4 ,alonso de ,cepeda was a well-born and a well-bred ,spanish gentleman4 ,he came of an ancient and an illustrious ,castilian stock2 and1 though not a rich man1 his household enjoyed all the nobility of breeding and all the culture of mind and all the refinement of taste for which ,spain was so famous in that great age4 ,all her days1 and in all her ups and downs in life1 we continually trace back to ,teresa's noble birth and noble upbringing no little of her supreme stateliness of deportment and serenity of manner and chivalry of character4 ,teresa was a perfect ,spanish lady1 as well as a mother in ,israel1 and no one who ever conversed with her could for a moment fail to observe that the oldest and best blood of ,spain mantled in her cheek and shone in her eye4 ,a lion encompassed by crosses was one of the quarters of her father's coat of arms4 ,and ,teresa took that up and added out of it a new glory to all her father's hereditary honours4 ,for his daughter was all her days a lioness palisaded round with crosses1 till by means of them she was transformed into a lamb4 ,but1 all the time1 the lioness was still lurking there4 ,teresa's was one of those sovereign souls that are born from time to time as if to show us what our race was created for at first1 and for what it is still destined4 ,she was a queen among women4 ,she was in intellect the complete equal1 and in still better things than intellect far the superior1 of ,isabella and ,elizabeth themselves4 ,as she says in an outspoken autobiographic passage1 hers was one of those outstanding and towering souls on which a thousand eyes and tongues are continually set without any one understanding them or comprehending them4 ,her coming greatness of soul is foreseen by some of her biographers in the attempt which she made while yet a child to escape away into the country of the ,moors in search of an early martyrdom1 so that she might see her ,saviour all the sooner1 and stand in ,his presence all the purer4 ',a woman1' says ,crashaw1 'for angelical height of speculation3 for masculine courage of performance1 more than a woman2 who1 while yet a child1 outran maturity1 and durst plot a martyrdom4 ,scarce had she learnt to lisp the name ,of martyr1 yet she thinks it shame ,life should so long sport with that breath1 ,which1 spent1 can buy so brave a death4 ,scarce had she blood enough to make ,a guilty sword blush for her sake2 ,yet has she heart dares hope to prove ,how much less strong is death than love4 ,be love but there1 let poor six years ,be posed with the maturest fears ,man trembles at1 we straight shall find ,love knows no nonage1 nor the mind4' ,teresa's mother died just when her daughter was at that dangerous age in which a young girl needs a wise mother most2 'the age when virtue should begin to grow1' as she says herself4 ,teresa was an extraordinarily handsome and attractive young lady1 and the knowledge of that1 as she tells us1 made her very vain1 and puffed up her heart with foolish imaginations4 ,she has a powerful chapter in the opening of her ,autobiography on dangerous companionships in the days of youth4 ',oh that all parents would take warning by me1 and would look carefully into their children's early friendships6' ,she suffered terribly from bad health all her days1 and that severe chastisement began to fall on her while she was yet a beautiful girl4 ,it was a succession of serious illnesses1 taken along with her father's scrupulous care over her1 that brought ,teresa back to the simple piety of her early childhood1 and fixed her for life in an extraordinary devotion to ,god1 and to all the things of ,god4 ,when such a change of heart and character comes to a young woman among ourselves1 she usually seeks out some career of religion and charity to which she can devote her life4 ,she is found labouring among the poor and the sick and the children of the poor1 or she goes abroad to foreign mission work4 ,in ,teresa's land and day a ,religious ,house was the understood and universal refuge for any young woman who was in earnest about her duty to ,god and to her own soul4 ,in those ,houses such young women secluded themselves from all society and gave themselves up to the care of the poor and the young4 ,in the more strict and enclosed of those retreats the inmates never came out of doors at all1 but wholly sequestered themselves up to a secret life of austerity and prayer4 ,this was the ideal life led in those ,houses for religious women4 ,but ,teresa soon found out the tremendous mistake she had made in leaving her father's family-fireside for a so-called ,religious ,house4 ,no sooner had she entered it than she was plunged headlong into those very same 'pestilent amusements1' the mere approach of which had made her flee to this supposed asylum4 ,though she is composing her ,autobiography under the sharp eyes of her confessors1 and while she is writing with a submissiveness and1 indeed1 a servility that is her only weakness1 ,teresa at the same time is bold enough and honest enough to tell us her own experiences of monastic life in language of startling strength and outspokenness4 ',a short-cut to hell4 ,if parents would take my advice1 they would rather marry their daughters to the very poorest of men1 or else keep them at home under their own eye4 ,if young women will be wicked at home1 their wickedness will not long be hidden at home2 but in monasteries1 such as ,i speak of1 their worst wickedness can be completely covered up from every human eye4 ,and all the time the poor things are not to blame4 ,they only walk in the way that is shown them4 ,many of them are to be much pitied1 for they honestly wish to withdraw from the world1 only to find themselves in ten times worse worlds of sensuality and all other devilry4 ,o my ,god6 if ,i might ,i would fain speak of some of the occasions of sin from which ,thou didst deliver me1 and how ,i threw myself into them again4 ,and of the risks ,i ran of utterly shipwrecking my character and good name and from which ,thou didst rescue me4 ,o ,lord of my soul6 how shall ,i be able to magnify ,thy grace in those perilous years6 ,at the very time that ,i was offending ,thee most1 ,thou didst prepare me by a most profound compunction to taste of the sweetness of ,thy recoveries and consolations4 ,in truth1 ,o my ,king1 ,thou didst administer to me the most spiritual and painful of chastisements3 for ,thou didst chastise my sins with great assurances of ,thy love and of ,thy great mercy4 ,it makes me feel beside myself when ,i call to mind ,thy great grace and my great ingratitude4' ,this leads us up to the conception and commencement of that great work to which ,teresa dedicated the whole of her after life1--the reformation and extension of the ,religious ,houses of ,spain4 ,the root-and-branch reformation of ,luther and his ,german and ,swiss colleagues had not laid much hold on ,spain2 and the little hold it had laid on her native land had never reached to ,teresa4 ,had ,luther and ,teresa but met3 had ,melanchthon and ,teresa but met3 had the best books of the ,german and ,swiss ,reformation but come into ,teresa's hands3 had she been somewhat less submissive1 and somewhat less obedient1 and somewhat less completely the slave of her ecclesiastical superiors2 had she but once entered into that intellectual and spiritual liberty wherewith ,christ makes ,his people free1--what a lasting blessing ,teresa might have been made to her native land6 ,but1 as it was1 ,teresa's reformation1 while it was the salvation of herself and of multitudes more who came under it1 yet as a monastic experiment and a church movement1 it ended in the strengthening and the perpetuation of that detestable system of intellectual and spiritual tyranny which has been the death of ,spain from that day to this4 ,teresa performed a splendid service inside the ,church to which she belonged3 but that service was wholly confined to the ,religious ,houses that she founded and reformed4 ,teresa's was intended to be a kind of counter-reformation to the reformation of ,luther and ,melanchthon and ,valdes and ,valera4 ,and such was the talent and the faith and the energy she brought to bear on the work she undertook1 that1 had it been better directed1 it might have been blessed to preserve her beloved native land at the head of modern ,christendom4 ,but1 while that was not to be1 it is the immense talent1 and the unceasing toil1 and the splendid faith and self-surrender that ,teresa brought to bear on her intramural reformation2 and1 all through that1 on the working out of her own salvation1--it is all these things that go to make ,teresa's long life so memorable and so impressive1 not only in her own age and land and church1 but wherever greatness of mind1 and nobleness of heart1 and sanctity of life1 and stateliness of character are heard of and are esteemed4 ,teresa's intellect1 her sheer power of mind1 is enough of itself to make her an intensely interesting study to all thinking men4 ,no one can open her books without confessing the spell of her powerful understanding4 ,her books1 before they were books1 absolutely captivated and completely converted to her unpopular cause many of her most determined enemies4 ,again and again and again we find her confessors and her censors admitting that both her spiritual experiences and her reformation work were utterly distasteful and very stumbling to them till they had read her own written account1 first of her life of prayer and then of her reformation work4 ,one after another of such men1 and some of them the highest in learning and rank and godliness1 on reading her autobiographic papers1 came over to be her fearless defenders and fast friends4 ,there is nothing more delightful in all her delightful ,autobiography1 and in the fine 'censures' that have been preserved concerning it1 than to read of the great and learned theologians1 the responsible church leaders1 and even the secret inquisitors who came under the charm of her character and the spell of her pen4 ',she electrifies the will1' confessed one of the best judges of good writing in her day4 ,and old ,bishop ,palafox's tribute to ,teresa is far too beautiful to be withheld4 ',what ,i admire in her is the peace1 the sweetness1 and the consolation with which in her writings she draws us toward the best1 so that we find ourselves captured rather than conquered1 imprisoned rather than prisoners4 ,no one reads the saint's writings who does not presently seek ,god1 and no one through her writings seeks ,god who does not remain in love with the saint4 ,i have not met with a single spiritual man who does not become a passionate admirer of ,santa ,teresa4 ,but her writings do not alone impart a rational1 interior1 and superior love1 but a love at the same time practical1 natural1 and sensitive2 and my own experience proves it to me that there exists no one who loves her but would1 if the saint were still in this world1 travel far to see and speak with her4' ,i wish much ,i could add to that ,peter of ,alcantara's marvellous analysis of ,teresa's experiences and character4 ,under thirty-three heads that great saint sums up ,teresa's character1 and gives us a noble1 because all unconscious1 revelation of his own4 ,and though ,teresa has been dead for three hundred years1 she speaks to this day in that same way3 and that too in quarters in which we would little expect to hear her voice4 ,in that intensely interesting novel of modern ,parisian life1 ,en ,route1 ,teresa takes a chief part in the conversion and sanctification of the prodigal son whose return to his father's house is so powerfully depicted in that story4 ,the deeply read and eloquent author of that remarkable book gives us some of the best estimates and descriptions of ,santa ,teresa that ,i have anywhere met with4 ',that cool-headed business woman 4 4 4 that admirable psychologist and of superhuman lucidity 4 4 4 that magnificent and over-awing saint 4 4 4 she has verified in her own case the supernatural experiences of the greatest mystics1--such are her unparalleled experiences in the supernatural domain4 4 4 4 ,teresa goes deeper than any like writer into the unexplored regions of the soul4 ,she is the geographer and hydrographer of the sinful soul4 ,she has drawn the map of its poles1 marked its latitudes of contemplation and prayer1 and laid out all the interior seas and lands of the human heart4 ,other saints have been among those heights and depths and deserts before her1 but no one has left us so methodical and so scientific a survey4' ,were it for nothing else1 the chapters on mystical literature in ,m4 ,huysmans' unfinished trilogy would make it a valued possession to every student of the soul of man under sin and under salvation4 ,i await the completion of his ,pilgrim's ,progress with great impatience and with great expectation4 ,and then1 absolutely possessed as ,teresa always is by the most solemn subjects1--herself1 her sin1 her ,saviour1 her original method of prayer and her unshared experiences in prayer1--she showers upon us continually gleams and glances of the sunniest merriment1 amid all her sighs and tears4 ,she roasts in caustic the gross-minded1 and the self-satisfied1 and the self-righteous1 as ,socrates himself never roasted them better4 ,again1 like his1 her irony and her raillery and her satire are sometimes so delicate that it quite eludes you for the first two or three readings of the exquisite page4 ,and then1 when you turn the leaf1 she is as ostentatiously stupid and ignorant and dependent on your superior mind as ever ,socrates himself was4 ,till ,i shrewdly suspect that no little of that 'obedience' which so intoxicated and fascinated her inquisitors1 and which to this day so exasperates some of her biographers1 was largely economical and ironical4 ,her narrow cell is reported to have often resounded with peals of laughter to the scandal of some of her sisters4 ,in support of all that1 ,i have marked a score of ,socratic passages in ,woodhead1 and ,dalton1 and ,lewis1 and ,father ,coleridge1 and ,mrs4 ,cunninghame ,graham4 ,they are very delicious passages and very tempting4 ,but were they once begun there would be no end to them4 ,you will believe ,froude1 for he is an admitted judge in all matters connected with the best literature1 and he says in his ,quarterly article on ,teresa's writings1 ',the best satire of ,cervantes is not more dainty4' ,the great work to which ,teresa gave up her whole life1 after her full conversion1 was the purification of the existing monastic system1 and the multiplication and extension of ,religious ,houses of the strictest1 severest1 most secluded1 most prayerful1 and most saintly life4 ,she had been told by those she too much trusted1 that the ,church of ,christ was being torn in pieces in ,germany1 and in ,switzerland1 and in ,france1 and in ,england by a great outbreak of heretical error2 and1 while the ,society of ,jesus and the ,secret ,inquisition were established to cope with all such heresy1 ,teresa set herself to counteract it by a widespread combination of unceasing penance and intercessory prayer4 ,it was a zeal without knowledge2 but there can be no doubt about the sincerity1 the single-mindedness1 and the strength of the zeal4 ,for forty as hard-working years as ever any woman spent in this world1 ,teresa laboured according to her best light to preserve the purity and the unity of the ,church of ,christ4 ,and the strength and the sagacity of mind1 the tact1 the business talents1 the tenacity of will1 the patience1 the endurance1 the perseverance1 the sleepless watchfulness1 and the abounding prayerfulness that she brought to bear on the reformation and multiplication of her fortresses of defence and attack in that holy war1 all taken together1 make up one of the most remarkable pages in the whole history of the ,church of ,christ4 ,her difficulties with ,rome1 with the ,inquisition1 with her more immediate superiors1 confessors1 and censors1 and1 most of all1 with the ignorance1 the stupidity1 the laziness1 the malice1 and the lies of those monks and nuns whose reformation she was determined on3 her endless journeys3 her negotiations with church-leaders1 landowners1 and tradesmen in selecting and securing sites1 and in erecting new religious houses3 the adventures1 the accidents1 the entertainments she met with3 and the fine temper1 the good humour1 the fascinating character1 the winning manners she everywhere exhibited2 and1 withal1 her incomparable faith in the ,living ,god1 and the exquisite inwardness1 unconquerable assurance1 and abounding fruitfulness of her own and unshared method and secret of prayer1--had ,teresa not lived and died in ,spain1 and had she not spent her life and done her work under the ,roman obedience1 her name would have been a household word in ,scotland4 ,as it is1 she is not wholly unknown or unloved4 ,and as knowledge extends1 and love1 and good-will2 and as suspicion1 and fear1 and retaliation1 and party-spirit die out among us1 the truth about ,teresa and multitudes more will become established on clearer and deeper and broader foundations2 and we shall be able to hail both her and multitudes more like her as our brothers and sisters in ,christ1 whom hitherto we have hated and despised because we did not know them1 and had been poisoned against them4 ,i am a conspicuous case in point myself4 ,and when ,i have been conquered by a little desultory reading and by a little effort after love no man need despair4 ,and if you will listen to this lecture with a good and honest heart3 with a heart that delights to hear all this good report about a fellow-believer3 then ,he who has begun that good work in you will perfect it by books and by lectures like this1 and far better than this1 till you are taken absolutely captive to that charity which rejoiceth not in iniquity1 but rejoiceth in the truth3 and which beareth all things1 believeth all things1 hopeth all things1 endureth all things4 ,follow after charity1 and begin with ,santa ,teresa4 ,forbid it1 mighty ,love1 let no fond hate ,of names or words so far prejudicate2 ,souls are not ,spaniards too2 one friendly flood ,of baptism blends them all into one blood4 ,what soul soe'er in any language can ,speak heaven like hers1 is my soul's countryman4 ,but the greatest and the best talent that ,god gives to any man or woman in this world is the talent of prayer4 ,and the best usury that any man or woman brings back to ,god when ,he comes to reckon with them at the end of this world is a life of prayer4 ,and those servants best put their ,lord's money to the exchangers who rise early and sit late1 as long as they are in this world1 ever finding out and ever following after better and better methods of prayer1 and ever forming more secret1 more steadfast1 and more spiritually fruitful habits of prayer3 till they literally pray without ceasing1 and till they continually strike out into new enterprises in prayer1 and new achievements1 and new enrichments4 ,it was this that first drew me to ,teresa4 ,it was her singular originality in prayer and her complete captivity to prayer4 ,it was the time she spent in prayer1 and the refuge1 and the peace1 and the sanctification1 and the power for carrying on hard and unrequited work that she all her life found in prayer4 ,it was her fidelity and her utter surrender of herself to this first and last of all her religious duties1 till it became more a delight1 and1 indeed1 more an indulgence1 than a duty4 ,with ,teresa it was prayer first1 and prayer last1 and prayer always4 ,with ,teresa literally all things were sanctified1 and sweetened1 and made fruitful by prayer4 ,in ,teresa's writings prayer holds much the same place that it holds in the best men and women of ,holy ,scripture4 ,if ,i were to say that about some of the ladies of the ,scottish ,covenant1 you would easily believe me4 ,but you must believe me when ,i tell you that about a ,spanish lady1 second to none of them in holiness of life1 even if her holy life is not all cast in our mould4 ,all who have read the autobiographic ,apologia will remember the fine passage in which its author tells us that ever since his conversion there have been two1 and only two1 absolutely self-luminous beings in the whole universe of being to him1--,god and his own soul4 ,now1 ,i do not remember that ,newman even once speaks about ,teresa in any of his books1 but ,i always think of him and her together in this great respect4 ,,god is to them both1 and to them both ,he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek ,him4 ,and it is just here1 at the very commencement and centre of divine things1 that we all make such shipwreck and come so short4 ,the sense of the reality of divine and unseen things in ,teresa's life of prayer is simply miraculous in a woman still living among things seen and temporal4 ,her faith is truly the substance of things hoped for1 and the evidence of things not seen4 ,our ,lord was as real1 as present1 as near1 as visible1 and as affable to this extraordinary saint as ever ,he was to ,martha1 or ,mary1 or ,mary ,magdalene1 or the woman of ,samaria1 or the mother of ,zebedee's children4 ,she prepared ,him where to lay ,his head2 she sat at ,his feet and heard ,his word4 ,she chose the better part1 and ,he acknowledged to herself and to others that she had done so4 ,she washed ,his feet with her tears1 and wiped them with the hair of her head4 ,she had been forgiven much1 and she loved much4 ,he said to her1 ,mary1 and she answered ,him1 ,rabboni4 ,and ,he gave her messages to deliver to ,his disciples1 who had not waited for ,him as she had waited4 ,till she was able to say to them all that she had seen the ,lord1 and that ,he had spoken such and such things within her4 ,and hence arises what ,i may call the quite extraordinary purity and spirituality of her life of prayer4 ',defecate' is ,goodwin's favourite and constant word for the purest1 the most rapt1 the most adoring1 and the most spiritual prayer4 ',i have known men'--it must have been himself--'who came to ,god for nothing else but just to come to ,him1 they so loved ,him4 ,they scorned to soil ,him and themselves with any other errand than just purely to be alone with ,him in ,his presence4 ,friendship is best kept up1 even among men1 by frequent visits2 and the more free and defecate those frequent visits are1 and the less occasioned by business1 or necessity1 or custom they are1 the more friendly and welcome they are4' ,now1 ,i have sometimes wondered what took ,teresa so often1 and kept her so long1 alone with ,god4 ,till ,i remembered ,goodwin's classical passages about defecated prayer1 and understood something of what is involved and what is to be experienced in pure and immediate communion with ,god4 ,and1 then1 from all that it surely follows1 that no one is fit for one moment to have an adverse or a hostile mind1 or to pass an adverse or a hostile judgment1 on the divine manifestations that came to ,teresa in her unparalleled life of prayer2 no one who is not a man of like prayer himself2 no1 nor even then4 ,i know all the explanations that have been put forward for ,teresa's 'locutions' and revelations2 but after anxiously weighing them all1 the simplest explanation is also the most scientific1 as it is the most scriptural4 ,if our ascending ,lord actually said what ,he is reported to have said about the way that ,he and ,his ,father will always reward all love to ,him1 and the keeping of all ,his commandments2 then1 if there is anything true about ,teresa at all1 it is this1 that from the day of her full conversion she lived with all her might that very life which has all these transcendent promises spoken and sealed to it4 ,by her life of faith and prayer and personal holiness1 ,teresa made herself 'capable of ,god1' as one describes it1 and ,god came to her and filled her with ,himself to her utmost capacity1 as ,he said ,he would4 ,at the same time1 much as ,i trust and honour and love ,teresa1 and much good as she has been made of ,god to me1 she was still1 at her best1 but an imperfectly sanctified woman1 and her rewards and experiences were correspondingly imperfect4 ,but if a holy life before such manifestations were made to her1 and a still holier life after them--if that is any test of the truth and reality of such transcendent and supernatural matters1--on her own humble and adoring testimony1 and on the now extorted and now spontaneous testimony of absolutely all who lived near her1 still more humility1 meekness1 lowly- mindedness1 heavenly-mindedness and prayerfulness demonstrably followed those inward and spiritual revelations to her of her ,lord4 ,in short and in sure1 ye shall know them by their fruits4 ,do men gather grapes of thorns1 or figs of thistles8 ,on the whole1 then1 ,i for one am strongly disposed toward ,teresa1 even in the much-inculpated matter of her inward voices and visions4 ,the wish may very possibly be father to the thought3 but my thought leans to ,teresa1 even in her most astounding locutions and revelations2 they answer so entirely to my reading of our ,lord and of ,his words4 ,i take sides1 on the whole1 with those theologians of her day1 who began by doubting1 but ended by believing in ,teresa and by imitating her4 ,they were led to rejoice that any contemporary and fellow-sinner had attained to such fellowship with ,god3 and ,i am constrained to take sides with them4 ',one day1 in prayer1 the sweetness was so great that ,i could not but contrast it with the place ,i deserved in hell4 ,the sweetness and the light and the peace were so great that1 compared with it1 everything in this world is vanity and lies4 ,i was filled with a new reverence for ,god4 ,i saw ,his majesty and ,his power in a way ,i cannot describe1 and the vision kept me in great tenderness and joy and humility4 ,i cannot help making much of that which led me so near to ,god4 ,i knew at that great moment what it is for a soul to be in the very presence of ,god ,himself4 ,what must be the condescension of ,his majesty seeing that in so short a time ,he left so great an impression and so great a blessing on my soul6 ,o my ,lord1 consider who she is upon whom ,thou art bestowing such unheard-of blessings6 ,dost ,thou forget that my soul has been an abyss of sin8 ,how is this1 ,o ,lord1 how can it be that such great grace has come to the lot of one who has so ill deserved such things at ,thy hands6' ,he who can read that1 and a hundred passages as good as that1 and who shall straightway set himself to sneer and scoff and disparage and find fault1 he is well on the way to the sin against the ,holy ,ghost4 ,at any rate1 ,i would be if ,i did not revere and love and imitate such a saint of ,god4 ,given ,god and ,his ,son and ,his ,holy ,spirit3 given sin and salvation and prayer and a holy life2 and1 with many drawbacks1 ,teresa's was just the life of self-denial and repentance and prayer and communion with ,god that we should all live4 ,it is not ,teresa who is to be bemoaned and blamed and called bad names4 ,it is we who do all that to her who are beside ourselves4 ,it is we who need the beam to be taken out of our own eye4 ,teresa was a mystery and an offence2 and1 again1 an encouragement and an example to the theologians and the inquisitors of her day just as she still is in our day4 ,she was a stumbling-stone1 or an ensample1 according to the temper and disposition and character of her contemporaries1 and she is the same to-day4 ,the pressing question with me is not the truth or the falsehood1 the amount of reality or the amount of imagination in ,teresa's locutions and visions4 ,the pressing question with me is this1--,why it is that ,i have nothing to show to myself at all like them4 ,i think ,i could die for the truth of my ,lord's promise that both ,he and ,his ,father will manifest ,themselves to those who love ,him and keep ,his words2 but ,he never manifests ,himself1 to be called manifestation1 to me4 ,i am driven in sheer desperation to believe such testimonies and attainments as those of ,teresa1 if only to support my failing faith in the words of my ,master4 ,i had rather believe every syllable of ,teresa's so-staggering locutions and visions than be left to this1 that ever since ,paul and ,john went home to heaven our ,lord's greatest promises have been so many idle words4 ,it is open to any man to scoff and sneer at ,teresa's extraordinary life of prayer1 and at the manifestations of the ,father and the ,son that were made to her in her life of prayer1 and some of her biographers and censors among ourselves have made good use of their opportunity4 ,but ,i cannot any longer sit with them in the seat of the scorner1 and ,i want you all to rise up and leave that evil seat also4 ,lord1 how wilt ,thou manifest ,thyself in time to come to me8 ,how shall ,i attain to that faith and to that love and to that obedience which shall secure to me the long- withheld presence and indwelling of the ,father and the ,son8 99 99 99 99 99 ,teresa's ,autobiography1 properly speaking1 is not an autobiography at all1 though it ranks with ,the ,confessions1 and ,the ,commedia1 and ,the ,grace ,abounding1 and ,the ,reliquiae1 as one of the very best of that great kind of book4 ,it is not really ,teresa's ,life ,written by ,herself1 though all that stands on its title-page4 ,it is only one part of her life3 it is only her life of prayer4 ,the title of the book1 she says in one place1 is not her life at all1 but ,the ,mercies of ,god4 ,many other matters come up incidentally in this delightful book1 but the whole drift and the real burden of the book is its author's life of prayer4 ,her attainments and her experiences in prayer so baffled and so put out all her confessors that1 at their wits' end1 they enjoined her to draw out in writing a complete account of a secret life1 the occasional and partial discovery of which so amazed1 and perplexed1 and condemned them4 ,and thus it is that we come to possess this unique and incomparable autobiography3 this wonderful revelation of ,teresa's soul in prayer4 ,it is a book in which we see a woman of sovereign intellectual ability working out her own salvation in circumstances so different from our own that we have the greatest difficulty in believing that it was really salvation at all she was so working out4 ,till1 as we read in humility and in love1 we learn to separate-off all that is local1 and secular1 and ecclesiastical1 and circumstantial1 and then we immensely enjoy and take lasting profit out of all that which is so truly ,catholic and so truly spiritual4 ,teresa was an extraordinary woman in every way3 and that comes out on every page of her ,autobiography4 ,so extraordinary that ,i confess there is a great deal that she tells us about herself that ,i do not at all understand4 ,she was ,spanish1 and we are ,scottish4 ,she and we are wide as the poles asunder4 ,her lot was cast of ,god in the sixteenth century1 whereas our lot is cast in the nineteenth4 ,she was a ,roman ,catholic mystic1 and we are ,evangelical ,protestants4 ,but it is one of the great rewards of studying such a life as ,teresa's to be able to change places with her so as to understand her and love her4 ,she was1 without any doubt or contradiction1 a great saint of ,god4 ,and a great saint of ,god is more worthy of our study and admiration and imitation and love than any other study or admiration or imitation or love on the face of the earth4 ,and the further away such a saint is from us the better she is for our study and admiration and imitation and love1 if we only have the sense and the grace to see it4 ,cervantes himself might have written ,teresa's ,book of the ,foundations4 ,certainly he never wrote a better book4 ,for myself ,i have read ,teresa's ,foundations twice at any rate for every once ,i have read ,cervantes' masterpiece4 ,for literature1 for humour1 for wit1 for nature1 for photographic pictures of the time and the people1 her ,foundations are a masterpiece also3 and then1 ,teresa's pictures are pictures of the best people in ,spain4 ,and there was no finer people in the whole of ,christendom in that day than the best of the ,spanish people4 ,god had much people in the ,spain of that day1 and he who is not glad to hear that will never have a place among them4 ,the ,spain of that century was full of family life of the most polished and refined kind4 ,and1 with all their declensions and corruptions1 the ,religious ,houses of ,spain enclosed multitudes of the most saintly men and women4 ',i never read of a hermit1' said ,dr4 ,johnson to ,boswell in ,st4 ,andrews1 'but in imagination ,i kiss his feet3 ,i never read of a monastery1 but ,i could fall on my knees and kiss the pavement4 ,i have thought of retiring myself1 and have talked of it to a friend1 but ,i find my vocation is rather in active life4' ,it was such monasteries as ,teresa founded and ruled and wrote the history of that made such a sturdy ,protestant as ,dr4 ,johnson was say such a thing as that4 ,the ,book of the ,foundations is ,teresa's own account1 written also under superior orders1 of that great group of religious houses which she founded and administered for so many years4 ,and the literature into which she puts all those years is literature of the first water4 ,a thousand times ,i have been reminded of ,don ,quixote and ,sancho ,panza as ,i read ,teresa's account of her journeys1 and of the people1 and of the escapades1 and of the entertainments she met with4 ,yes1 quite as good as ,cervantes6 yes1 quite as good as ,goldsmith6--,i have caught myself exclaiming as ,i read and laughed till the tears ran down my cheeks4 ,this is literature1 this is art without the art1 this is literary finish without the labour3 and all laid out to the finest of all uses1 to tell of the work of ,god1 and of all the enterprises1 providences1 defeats1 successes1 recompenses1 connected with it4 ,the ,foundations is a ,christian classic even in ,woodhead's and ,dalton's and ,david ,lewis's ,english1 what must it then be to those to whom ,teresa's exquisite ,spanish is their mother-tongue6 ,if ,vaughan had but read ,the ,foundations1 which he is honest enough to confess he had only glanced at in a ,french translation1 it would surely have done something to make him reconsider the indecent and disgraceful attack which he makes on ,teresa4 ,his chapter on ,teresa is a contemptuous and a malicious caricature4 ,vaughan has often been of great service to me1 but if ,i had gone by that misleading chapter1 ,i would have lost weeks of most intensely interesting and spiritually profitable reading4 ,vaughan's extravagant misrepresentation of ,teresa will henceforth make me hesitate to receive his other judgments till ,i have read the books myself4 ,i shall not tarry here to controvert ,vaughan's utterly untruthful chapter on ,teresa1 ,i shall content myself with setting over against it ,crashaw's exquisite ,hymn and ,apology1 and especially his magnificent ,flaming ,heart4 ,teresa's ,way of ,perfection is a truly fine book3 full of freshness1 suggestiveness1 and power4 ,so much so1 that ,i question if ,william ,law's ,christian ,perfection would ever have been written1 but that ,teresa had written on that same subject before him4 ,i do not say that ,law plagiarised from ,teresa1 but some of his very best passages are plainly inspired by his great predecessor4 ,you will thank me for the following eloquent passage from ,mrs4 ,cunninghame ,graham1 which so felicitously characterises this great book1 and that in language such as ,i could not command4 ',to my thinking ,teresa is at her best in her ,way of ,perfection with its bursts of impassioned eloquence2 its shrewd and caustic irony2 its acute and penetrating knowledge of human character1 the same in the convent as in the world2 above all in its sympathetic and tender instinct for the needs and difficulties of her daughters4 ,the ,perfection represents the finished and magnificent fabric of the spiritual life4 ,her words ring with a strange terseness and earnestness as she here pens her spiritual testament4 ,she points out the mischievous foibles1 the little meannesses1 the spirit of cantankerousness and strife1 which long experience of the cloister had shown her were the besetting sins of the conventual life4 ,she places before them the loftier standard of the ,cross4 ,her words1 direct and simple1 ring out true and clear1 producing somewhat the solemn effect of a ,commination ,service4' ,strong as that estimate is1 ,the ,perfection deserves every word of it and more4 ,teresa thought that her ,mansions was one of her two best books1 but she was surely far wrong in that4 ,the ,mansions1 sometimes called ,the ,interior ,castle1 to me at any rate1 is a most shapeless1 monotonous1 and wearisome book4 ,teresa had a splendid imagination1 but her imagination had not the architectonic and dramatic quality that is necessary for carrying out such a conception as that is which she has laid in the ground-plan of this book4 ,no one who has ever read ,the ,purgatorio or ,the ,holy ,war could have patience with the shapeless and inconsequent ,mansions4 ,there is nothing that is new in the matter of the ,mansions2 there is nothing that is not found in a far better shape in some of her other books2 and one is continually wearied out by her utter inability to handle the imagery which she will not let alone4 ,at the same time1 the persevering reader will come continually on characteristic things that are never to be forgotten as he climbs with ,teresa from strength to strength on her way to her ,father's ,house4 ,to my mind ,teresa is at her very best1 not in her ,mansions which she made so much of1 but in her ,letters which she made nothing of4 ,i think ,i prefer her ,letters to all her other books4 ,a great service was done to this fine field of literature when ,teresa's letters were collected and published4 ,what ,augustine's editor has so well said about ,augustine's letters ,i would borrow and would apply to ,teresa's letters4 ,all her other works receive fresh light from her letters4 ,the subjects of her more elaborate writings are all handled in her letters in a far easier1 a far more natural1 and a far more attractive manner4 ,it is in her letters that we first see the size and the strength and the sweep of her mind1 and discover the deserved deference that is paid to her on all hands4 ,burdened churchmen1 inquiring students in the spiritual life1 perplexed confessors1 angry and remonstrating monks1 husbands and wives1 matrons and maidens1 all find their way to ,mother ,teresa4 ,great bundles of letters are delivered at the door of her cell every day1 and she works at her answers to those letters till a bird begins to flutter in the top of her head1 after which her physician will not suffer her to write more than twelve letters at a downsitting4 ,and what letters they are1 all sealed with the name of ,,jesus--she will seal now with no other seal4 ,what letters of a strong and sound mind go out under that seal6 ,what a business head6 ,what shrewdness1 sagacity1 insight1 frankness1 boldness1 archness1 raillery1 downright fun6 ,and all as full of splendid sense as an egg is full of meat4 ,if ,andrew ,bonar had only read ,spanish1 and had edited ,teresa's ,letters as he has edited ,rutherford's1 we would have had that treasure in all our houses4 ,as it is1 ,father ,coleridge long ago fell on the happy idea of compiling a ,life of ,teresa out of her extant letters1 and he has at last carried out his idea1 if not in all its original fulness1 yet in a very admirable and praiseworthy way4 ,but ,i would like to know how many of the boasted literary and religious people of ,edinburgh have bought and read ,father ,coleridge's delightful book4 ,a hundred8 ,ten8 ,five8 ,i doubt it4 ,or how many have so much as borrowed from the circulating library ,mrs4 ,cunninghame ,graham's first-rate book8 ,of ,teresa's ,letters1 that greatest living authority on ,teresa says--',that long series of epistolary correspondence1 so enchanting in the original4 ,it is in her letters that ,teresa is at her best4 ,they reveal all her shrewdness about business and money matters2 her talent for administration2 her intense interest in life1 and in all that is passing around her4 ,her letters show ,teresa as the ,castilian gentlewoman who not only treats on terms of perfect equality with people of the highest rank in the kingdom1 but is in the greatest request by them4 ,her letters1 of which probably only a tithe remains1 show us how marvellously the horizon of her life had expanded1 and how rapidly her fame had grown4 ,perhaps no more finished specimen of epistolary correspondence has ever been penned than those letters1 written in the press of multifarious occupations1 and often late at night when the rest of the convent was sleeping4' ,her confessor1 who commanded ,teresa to throw her ,commentary on the ,song of ,solomon into the fire1 was a sensible man and a true friend to her reputation1 and the nun who snatched a few leaves out of the fire did ,teresa's fame no service4 ,judging of the whole by the part preserved to us1 there must have been many things scattered up and down the destroyed book well worthy of her best pen4 ,the 'instance of self-esteem' which ,teresa so delightfully narrates is well worth all the burnt fingers its preservation had cost the devoted sister3 and up and down the charred leaves there are passages on conduct and character1 on obedience and humility and prayer1 that ,teresa alone could have written4 ,all the same1 as a whole1 her ,commentary on the ,song is better in the fire4 ,her ,seven ,meditations on the ,lord's ,prayer ran no danger of the censor's fire4 ,i have had occasion to read all the best expositions of the ,lord's ,prayer in our language1 and ,i am bound to say that for originality and striking suggestiveness ,teresa's ,seven ,meditations stands alone4 ,after ,i had written that extravagant sentence ,i went back and read her little book over again1 so sure was ,i that ,i must have overpraised it1 and that ,i would not be believed in what ,i have said concerning it4 ,but after another reading of the ,meditations ,i am emboldened to let the strong praise stand in all its original strength4 ,i have passages marked in abundance to prove to demonstration the estimate ,i have formed of this beautiful book1 but ,i must forego myself the pleasure and the pride of quoting them4 ,sixteen ,augustinian ,exclamations after having ,communicated3 sixty-nine ,advices to ,her ,daughters1 and a small collection of love-enflamed ,hymns1 complete what remains to us of ,teresa's writings4 ,teresa died of hard work and worry and shameful neglect1 almost to sheer starvation4 ,but she had meat to eat that all ,anne ,bartholomew's remaining mites could not buy for her dying mother4 ,and1 strong in the strength of that spiritual meat1 ,teresa rose off her deathbed to finish her work4 ,she inspected with all her wonted quickness of eye and love of order the whole of the ,house into which she had been carried to die4 ,she saw everything put into its proper place1 and every one answering to their proper order1 after which she attended the divine offices for the day1 and then went back to her bed and summoned her daughters around her4 ',my children1' she said1 'you must pardon me much2 you must pardon me most of all the bad example ,i have given you4 ,do not imitate me4 ,do not live as ,i have lived4 ,i have been the greatest sinner in all the world4 ,i have not kept the laws ,i made for others4 ,i beseech you1 my daughters1 for the love of ,god1 to keep the rules of your ,holy ,houses as ,i have never kept them4 ,o my ,lord1' she then turned to ,him and said1 'the hour ,i have so much longed for has surely come at last4 ,the time has surely come that we shall see one another4 ,my ,lord and ,saviour1 it is surely time for me to be taken out of this banishment and be for ever with ,thee4 ,the sacrifices of ,god are a broken spirit1 a broken and a contrite heart1 ,o ,god1 ,thou wilt not despise4 ,cast me not away from ,thy presence1 and take not ,thy ,holy ,spirit away from me4 ,create in me a clean heart1 ,o ,god4' ',a broken and a contrite heart2 a broken and a contrite heart1' was her continual cry till she died with these words on her lips1 ',a broken and a contrite heart ,thou wilt not despise4' ,and1 thus1 with the most penitential of ,david's penitential ,psalms in her mouth1 and with the holy candle of her ,church in her hand1 ,teresa of ,jesus went forth from her banishment to meet her ,bridegroom4 ,o sweet incendiary6 shew here thy art ,upon this carcass of a cold hard heart2 ,let all thy scatter'd shafts of light that play ,among the leaves of thy large books of day1 ,combined against this breast at once break in ,and take away from me myself and sin2 ,this gracious robbery shall thy bounty be1 ,and thy best fortune such fair spoils of me4 ,o thou undaunted daughter of desires6 ,by all thy dower of lights and fires2 ,by all the eagle in thee1 all the dove2 ,by all thy lives and deaths of love2 ,by thy large draughts of intellectual day2 ,and all thy thirsts of love more large than they2 ,by all thy brim-filled bowls of fierce desire2 ,by thy last morning's draught of liquid fire2 ,by the full kingdom of that final kiss ,that seized thy parting soul1 and sealed thee ,his2 ,by all the ,heavens thou hast in ,him1 7,fair sister of the ,seraphim672 ,by all of ,him we have in thee2-- ,leave nothing of myself in me4 ,let me so read thy life1 that ,i ,unto all life of mine may die4 ,,some ,,selected ,,passages 99 ,the translations in the following pages are mainly those of ,woodhead and ,lewis4 ,,teresa ,,on ,,herself ,i had a father and a mother who both feared ,god4 ,my father had his chief delight in the reading of good books1 and he did his best to give his children the same happy taste4 ,this also helped me much1 that ,i never saw my father or my mother regard anything but goodness4 ,though possessing very great beauty in her youth1 my mother was never known to set any store by it4 ,her apparel1 even in her early married life1 was that of a woman no longer young4 ,her life was a life of suffering1 her death was most ,christian4 ,after my mother's removal1 ,i began to think too much about my dress and my appearance1 and ,i pursued many such like things that ,i was never properly warned against1 full of mischief though they were both to myself and to others4 ,i too early learned every evil from an immoral relative4 ,i was very fond of this woman's company4 ,i gossiped and talked with her continually4 ,she assisted me to all the amusements ,i loved2 and1 what was worse1 she found some very evil amusements for me1 and in every way communicated to me her own vanities and mischiefs4 ,i am amazed to think on the evil that one bad companion can do2 nor could ,i have believed it1 unless ,i had known it by experience4 ,the company and the conversation of this one woman so changed me that scarcely any trace was left in me of my natural disposition to virtue4 ,i became a perfect reflection of her and of another who was as bad as she was4 ,for my education and protection my father sent me to the ,augustinian ,monastery1 in which children like myself were brought up4 ,there was a good woman in that religious house1 and ,i began gradually to love her4 ,how impressively she used to speak to me of ,god6 ,she was a woman of the greatest good sense and sanctity4 ,she told me how she first came to herself by the mere reading of these words of the ,gospel1 ',many are called and few chosen4' ,this good companionship began to root out the bad habits ,i had brought to that house with me2 but my heart had by that time become so hard that ,i never shed a tear1 no1 not though ,i read the whole ,passion through4 ,when at last ,i entered the ,religious ,house of the ,incarnation for life1 our ,lord at once made me understand how ,he helps those who do any violence to themselves in order to serve ,him4 ,no one observed this violence in me4 ,they saw nothing in me but the greatest goodwill4 ,at that sore step ,i was filled with a joy so great that it has never wholly left me to this day4 ,god converted the dryness of my soul into the greatest tenderness1 immediately on my taking up that cross4 ,everything in religion was now a real delight to me4 ,i had more pleasure now in sweeping the house than ,i had in all the balls and dances ,i had forsaken for ,his sake4 ,whenever ,i remember those early days1 it makes me ready to take up any cross whatsoever4 ,for ,i know now by a long and a various experience that ,his ,majesty richly rewards even in this life all the self-denial that we do for ,his sake and service4 ,i know this by many experiences2 and if ,i were a person who had to advise and guide ,god's people1 ,i would urge them to fear no difficulty whatsoever in the path of duty3 for our ,god is omnipotent1 and ,he is on our side4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever6 ,amen4 ,o my supreme ,good and my true ,rest1 ,i know not how to go on when ,i call those happy days to mind1 and think of all my evil life since then6 ,my tears ought to be tears of blood4 ,my heart ought to break4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 hast borne with me for almost twenty years1 till ,i have had time to improve4 ,and all that it might be better known to me who ,thou art and what ,i am4 ,woe is me1 my ,maker6 ,i have no excuse1 ,i have only blame4 ,let ,thy mercy1 ,o ,lord1 rest on me4 ,other women there have been who have done great deeds in ,thy service1 but ,i am good only to talk3 all my goodness ends in so many words3 that is all my service of ,thee1 my ,god4 ,cost me what it may1 let me not go on coming to ,thee with idle words and empty hands1 seeing that the reward of every one will be according to his works4 ,depart not from me1 and ,i can do all things4 ,depart from me1 and ,i shall return to whence ,i was taken1 even to hell4 ,one of the reasons that move me1 who am what ,i am1 to write all this even under obedience1 and to give an account of my wretched life1 and of the graces the ,lord hath wrought in me is this1--and would that ,i were a person of authority1 and then people would perhaps believe what ,i say4 ,this then is what ,i would say and repeat continually if any one would hear me4 ,let no one ever say3 ,if ,i fall into sin1 ,i cannot then pray4 ,in this the devil turned his most dreadful batteries against me4 ,he said to me that it showed very little shame in me if ,i could have the face to pray1 who had just been so wicked4 ,and under that snare of ,satan ,i actually as good as gave up all prayer for a year and a half4 ,this was nothing else but to throw myself straight down into hell4 ,o my ,god1 was there ever such madness as mine6 ,where could ,i think to find either pardon for the past1 or power for the time to come1 but from ,thee8 ,what folly to the stumbler to run away from the light6 ,let all those who would give themselves to prayer1 and to a holy life1 look well to this4 ,they should know that when ,i was shunning prayer because ,i was so bad1 my badness became more abandoned than ever it had been before4 ,rely on the waiting and abounding goodness of ,god1 which is infinitely greater than all the evil you can do4 ,when we acknowledge our vileness1 ,he remembers it no more4 ,i grew weary of sinning before ,god grew weary of forgiving my sin4 ,he is never weary of giving grace1 nor are his compassions to be exhausted4 ,may ,he be blessed for ever1 amen3 and may all created things praise ,him6 ,i have made a vow--it is known as 'the ,teresian vow1' 'the seraphic vow1' 'the most arduous of vows1' 'a vow yet unexampled in the ,church'1 a vow never to offend ,god in the very least matter4 ,i have vowed that ,i would rather die a thousand deaths than do anything of that kind1 knowing ,i was doing it4 ,i am resolved also1 never to leave anything whatsoever undone that ,i consider to be still more perfect1 and more for the honour of our ,lord4 ,cost me what pain it may1 ,i would not leave such an act undone for all the treasures of the world4 ,if ,i were to do so1 ,i do not think ,i could have the face to ask anything of ,god in prayer3 and yet1 for all that1 ,i have many faults and imperfections remaining in me to this day4 ,,on ,,the ,,godhead ,on one occasion when ,i was in prayer ,i had a vision in which ,i saw how all things are seen in ,god4 ,i cannot explain what ,i saw1 but what ,i saw remains to this day deeply imprinted on my soul4 ,it was a great act of grace in ,god to give me that vision4 ,it puts me to unspeakable confusion1 shame1 and horror whenever ,i recall that magnificent sight1 and then think of my sin4 ,i believe that had the ,lord been pleased to send me that great revelation of ,himself earlier in my life1 it would have kept me back from much sin4 ,the vision was so delicate1 so subtle1 and so spiritual1 that my hard understanding cannot1 at this distance of time1 close with it2 but1 to make use of an illustration1 it was something like this4 ,suppose the ,godhead to be a vast globe of light1 a globe larger than the whole world1 and that all our actions are seen in that all-embracing globe4 ,it was something like that ,i saw4 ,for ,i saw all my most filthy actions gathered up and reflected back upon me from that ,world of light4 ,i tell you it was a piteous and a dreadful thing to see4 ,i knew not where to hide myself1 for that shining light1 in which was no darkness at all1 held the whole world within it1 and all worlds4 ,you will see that ,i could not flee from its presence4 ,oh that they could be made to see this who commit deeds of darkness6 ,oh that they but saw that there is no place secret from ,god3 but that all they do is done before ,him1 and in ,him6 ,oh the madness of committing sin in the immediate presence of a ,majesty so great1 and to whose holiness all our sin is so hateful4 ,in this also ,i saw ,his great mercifulness in that ,he suffers such a sinner as ,i am still to live4 ,,on ,,the ,,soul ,o my ,god1 what unspeakable sufferings our souls have to endure because they have lost their liberty1 and are not their own masters6 ,what tortures come on them through that6 ,i sometimes wonder how ,i can live through such agony of soul as ,i myself suffer4 ,god be praised who gives me ,his own life in my soul1 so that ,i may escape from so deadly a death6 ,my soul has indeed received great strength from ,his ,divine ,majesty4 ,he has had compassion on my great misery1 and has helped me4 ,oh1 what a distress it is for my soul to have to return to hold commerce with this world after having had its conversation in heaven6 ,to have to play a part in the sad farce of this earthly life6 ,and yet ,i am in a strait betwixt two4 ,i cannot run away from this world4 ,i must remain in it till my discharge comes4 ,but1 meantime1 how keen is my captivity2 how wretched in my own soul am ,i4 ,and one of my worst distresses is this1 that ,i am alone in my exile4 ,all around me people seem to have found their aim and end in life in this horrible prison-house1 and to have said1 ,soul1 take thine ease4 ,but the life of my soul is a life of incessant trouble4 ,the cross is always on my shoulder2 at the same time ,i surely make some progress4 ,god is the ,soul of my soul4 ,he engulfs into ,himself my soul4 ,he enlightens and strengthens my soul4 ,he attends to my soul night and day4 ,he gives my soul more and more grace4 ,this has not come about of myself4 ,no effort of mine brought this about4 ,his ,majesty does it all4 ,and ,he has held me by the hand1 that ,i might not go back4 ,for this reason1 it seems to me1 the soul in which ,god works ,his grace1 if it walks in humility and in fear1 it may be led into whatsoever temptation1 and thrown into whatsoever company1 and it will only gain new strength there1 and win new victories and spoils there4 ,those are strong souls which are chosen of the ,lord to work for the souls of others4 ,at the same time1 their best strength is not their own4 ,all that such souls ever attain to and perform1 all these things only make them more humble1 and therefore more strong2 more able to despise the things of this world1 and to lay up their treasure in those things which ,god hath prepared for them that love ,him4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty that the great munificence with which ,he has dealt with my soul1 miserable sinner that ,i am1 may have some weight with some of those who read this1 so that they may be strong and courageous to give up everything at once and most willingly for such a ,god6 ,,on ,,god ,,in ,,the ,,soul ,this has done me a great deal of good1 and it has affected me much and opened my eyes in many ways4 ,it is an ennobling thing to think that ,god is more in the soul of man than ,he is in aught else outside of ,himself4 ,they are happy people who have once got a hold of this glorious truth4 ,in particular1 the ,blessed ,augustine testifies that neither in the house1 nor in the church1 nor anywhere else1 did he find ,god1 till once he had found ,him in himself4 ,nor had he need to go up to heaven1 but only down into himself to find ,god4 ,nay1 he took ,god to heaven with him when at last he went there4 ,now consider what our ,master teaches us to say3 ',our ,father which art in heaven4' ,think you it concerns you little to know where and what that heaven is1 and where your ,heavenly ,father is to be sought and found8 ,i tell you that for vagrant minds it matters much not only to believe aright about heaven1 but to procure to understand this matter by experience4 ,it is one of those things that strongly bind the understanding and recollect the soul4 ,you already know that ,god is in all places3 in fine1 that where ,god is there heaven is1 and where ,his ,majesty most reveals ,himself there glory is4 ,consider again what ,saint ,augustine said1 that he sought ,god in many places1 till at last he came to find ,him within himself4 ,you need not go to heaven to see ,god1 or to regale yourself with ,god4 ,nor need you speak loud as if ,he were far away4 ,nor need you cry for wings like a dove so as to fly to ,him4 ,settle yourself in solitude1 and you will come upon ,god in yourself4 ,and then entreat ,him as your ,father1 and relate to ,him your troubles4 ,those who can in this manner shut themselves up in the little heaven of their own hearts1 where ,he dwells who made heaven and earth1 let them be sure that they walk in the most excellent way3 they lay their pipe right up to the fountain4 ,to keep the eyes shut is an excellent practice in prayer1 because it is a summons and an assistance to turn the eyes of the soul within1 where ,god dwells and waits in ,christ to be gracious4 ,account thus1 that there is a great and beautiful palace in your soul2 that its structure is all of gold and precious stones2 that your gifts and graces are those shining stones1 and that the greater your virtues are the more those precious stones sparkle4 ,and1 also1 that in this palace the ,great ,king is your guest4 ,he sits on the innermost seat of your heart1 and holds it to be ,his best and bravest throne4 ,this will seem to some a silly fiction4 ,and yet1 if you will believe it1 fiction as it is1 it will help you much2 you especially who are women4 ,for we women sorely want such assistance to our thoughts4 ,and1 ,god grant that it be only women who need such assistance to show them how base is the use they make of themselves4 ,there should be some difference between us1 both men and women1 and the brute beasts4 ,the brute beasts are nowhere said to be temples of ,god1 and they are nowhere called to account because their god is their belly4 ,o great ,god1 ,i tremble to see that ,i have written such a page as the above1 being such a wretch as ,i am4 ,my daughters1 in their own goodness1 will be tempted to think that all this is true of myself1 and that is a terrible thought to me4 ,on the other hand1 it is true of ,god and their own souls4 ,now let men pass a thousand censures on me1 and on my way of teaching the truth4 ,what of that1 if only ,god and ,his ways be a little better known and loved6 ,my sisters1 the ,king is in ,his palace all this time4 ,there are hostile invasions of ,his borders1 and inroads made into ,his territories1 but ,he abides all the time on ,his throne4 ,i smile at the weakness and unworthiness of all those comparisons of palaces1 and thrones1 and shining stones1 and enemies on the border4 ,they in no way satisfy me4 ,but ,i am a woman1 and ,i can find out no better words for you women4 ,think and say of my words what you please4 ,the thing that ,i have spoken to you is the truth4 ,,on ,,the ,,love ,,of ,,god ,the true proficiency of the soul consists not so much in deep thinking or eloquent speaking or beautiful writing as in much and warm loving4 ,now if you ask me in what way this much and warm love may be acquired1 ,i answer1--,by resolving to do the will of ,god1 and by watching to do ,his will as often as occasion offers4 ,those who truly love ,god love all good wherever they find it4 ,they seek all good to all men4 ,they encourage all good in all men4 ,they commend all good1 they always unite themselves with all good1 they always acknowledge and defend all good4 ,they have no quarrels4 ,they bear no envy4 ,o ,lord1 give me more and more of this blessed love4 ,grant me grace not to quit this underworld life till ,i no longer desire anything1 nor am capable of loving anything1 save ,thee alone4 ,grant that ,i may use this word 'love' with regard to ,thee alone1 since there is no solidity for my love to rest on save in ,thee4 ,the soul has her own ways of understanding1 and of finding in herself1 by certain signs and great conjectures1 whether she really loves ,his ,divine ,majesty or no4 ,her love is full of high impulses1 and longings to see and to be with and to be like ,god4 ,all else tires and wearies out the soul4 ,the best of created things disappoint and torment the soul4 ,god alone satisfies the soul1 till it is impossible to dissemble or mistake such a love4 ,when once ,i came to see the great beauty of our ,lord1 it turned all other comeliness to corruption to me4 ,my heart could rest on nothing and on no one but ,himself4 ,when anything else would enter my heart ,i had only to turn my eyes for a moment in upon that ,supreme ,beauty that was engraven within me4 ,so that it is now impossible that any created thing can so possess my soul as not to be instantly expelled1 and my mind and heart set free by a little effort to recover the remembrance of the goodness and the beauty of our ,lord4 ,good ,god6 ,what a difference there is between the love of the ,creator and the love of the creature6 ,may ,his ,divine ,majesty vouchsafe to let us see and taste and understand something of this before ,he takes us out of this prison-house life1 for it will be a magnificent comfort in the hour of death to know that we are on our way to be judged by ,him whom we have loved above all things4 ,we are not going to a strange country1 since it is ,his country whom we love and who loves us4 ,these things being so1 ,i have this very day solaced my soul with our ,lord1 and have made my moan to ,him in this manner4 ,o my ,lord1 why keepest ,thou ,thy servant in this miserable life so long1 where all is such vexation1 and disappointment1 and manifold trouble8 ,and not only keepest me so long in this banishment1 but so hidest ,thyself from me4 ,is this worthy of ,thee and of ,thy great goodness8 ,were ,i what ,thou art1 and wert ,thou what ,i am1 ,thou wouldest not have to endure it at my hands4 ,i beseech ,thee1 ,o my ,lord1 to consider that this is a kind of injury and wrong to proceed after this manner with one who loves ,thee so much4 ,this and the like have come into my heart to say3 though my bed in hell better becomes me than so to speak to my ,lord4 ,at the same time1 the love ,i bear my ,lord sometimes so consumes me that ,i am beside myself1 till ,i scarce know what ,i say or do2 and then ,i find myself making such unbecoming complaints that ,i am amazed our ,lord endures them at my hands4 ,eternal praise to so good a ,lord6 ,,on ,,the ,,love ,,of ,,our ,,neighbour ,there are only two duties that our ,lord requires of us1--the love of ,god1 and the love of our neighbour4 ,and1 in my opinion1 the surest sign for discovering our love to ,god is our love to our neighbour4 ,and be assured that the further you advance in the love of your neighbour1 the further you are advancing in the love of ,god likewise4 ,but1 oh me1 how many worms lie gnawing at the roots of our love to our neighbour6 ,self-love1 self-esteem1 fault-finding1 envy1 anger1 impatience1 scorn4 ,i assure you ,i write this with great grief1 seeing myself to be so miserable a sinner against all my neighbours4 ,our ,lord1 my sisters1 expects works4 ,therefore when you see any one sick1 compassionate her as if she were yourself4 ,pity her4 ,fast that she may eat4 ,wake that she may sleep4 ,again1 when you hear any one commended and praised1 rejoice in it as much as if you were commended and praised yourself4 ,which1 indeed1 should be easy1 because where humility truly is1 praise is a torment4 ,cover also your sister's defects as you would have your own defects and faults covered and not exposed4 ,as often as occasion offers1 lift off your neighbour's burden4 ,take it off her heart and on upon yourself4 ,satan himself would not be ,satan any longer if he could once love his neighbour as himself4 ,endeavour1 my daughters1 all you can1 to be affable to all4 ,demean yourselves so that all who have to do with you may love your conversation1 so as to desire after your way of life4 ,let no one be affrighted or turned away from the life of virtue and religion by your gloom and morosity4 ,this concerns religious women very much4 ,the more holy they are1 the more affable and sociable should they study to be4 ,never hold aloof from others because their conversation is not altogether to your taste4 ,love them1 and they will love you1 and then they will converse with you1 and will become like you1 and better than you4 ,let not your soul coop itself up in a corner4 ,for1 instead of attaining to greater sanctity in a proud1 and disdainful1 and impatient seclusion1 the devil will keep you company there1 and will do your sequestered soul much mischief4 ,bury evil affections in good works4 ,wherefore be accessible and affable to all1 and all in love4 ,love is an endless enchantment1 and spell1 and fascination4 ,,on ,,our ,,sinfulness ,this is a very fit place for thinking on our wounds1 and bruises1 and putrifying sores3 the blindness of our minds1 the depravity and the bondage of our wills1 the forgetfulness of our memories1 the slipperiness of our tongues1 the levity and frivolity of our hearts1 with all their extravagances1 presumptions1 neglects4 ,in fine1 let there be no spiritual wound within us1 great or small1 old or new1 which we do not daily discover and lay open to our ,sovereign ,physician1 beseeching of ,him a remedy4 ,this day it is very proper to call to mind the five fountains of our ,lord's wounds1 which are still open1 and will remain open till the last day for the cure of all the sores of our souls4 ,and since out of ,his wounds we receive our spiritual health1 let us mollify our wounds with the ointment of mortification and humility and meekness3 in all things always employing ourselves for the benefit of our neighbour4 ,since1 though we cannot have our ,lord visibly and in presence beside us1 we have our neighbour1 who for the ends of love and loving service is as good as our ,lord ,himself4 ,,on ,,the ,,world ,i saw that rich and great as she was1 she was still a woman1 and as much liable to all manner of passion and all womanly weakness as ,i was myself4 ,i saw as ,i lived in her house that rank is of little worth1 and the higher it is1 the greater the trouble and the anxiety it brings with it4 ,great people must be careful of their dignity4 ,it will not suffer them to live at ease4 ,they must eat at fixed hours and by rule1 for everything must be according to their state1 and not according to their constitutions4 ,and they have frequently to take food more fitted for their state than for their liking4 ,so it was that ,i came to hate the wish to be a great lady4 ,god deliver me from this artificial and evil life6 ,then1 as to servants1 though this lady has very good servants1 how slight is the trust she is able to put in them4 ,one must not be conversed with more than the rest1 otherwise he is envied and hated of all the rest4 ,this of itself is a slavery2 and it is another of the lies of the world to call such people masters and mistresses1 who1 in reality1 are nothing but slaves in a thousand ways4 ,i really see nothing good in the world and its ways but this1 that it will not tolerate the smallest fault in those who are not its own4 ,for by detracting1 and fault-finding1 and evil-reporting on the good1 the world greatly helps to perfect them4 ,he who will not die to the world shall die by it4 ,o wretched world6 ,bless ,god1 my daughters1 that ,he has chosen and enabled you to turn your backs for ever on a thing so base4 ,the world is to be known by this also1 that it esteems a man not by what he is1 but by what he possesses3 by what is in his purse3 and1 that failing1 the honour and esteem of the world instantly fail also4 ,o our ,lord2 ,supreme ,power1 ,supreme ,goodness1 ,supreme ,truth2 ,thy perfections are without beginning and without end4 ,they are infinite and incomprehensible4 ,they are a bottomless ocean of beauty4 ,o my ,god1 that ,i had the eloquence of an angel's speech to set forth ,thy goodness and ,thy truth1 and to win all men over to ,thee6 ,,on ,,evil-,,speaking ,after my vow of perfection ,i spake not ill of any creature1 how little soever it might be4 ,i scrupulously avoided all approaches to detraction4 ,i had this rule ever present with me1 that ,i was not to wish1 nor assent to1 nor say such things of any person whatsoever1 that ,i would not have them say of me4 ,and as time went on1 ,i succeeded in persuading those who were about me to adopt the same habit1 till it came to be understood that where ,i was absent persons were safe4 ,so they were also with all those whom ,i so instructed4 ,still1 for all that1 ,i have a sufficiently strict account to give to ,god for the bad example ,i am to all about me in some other respects4 ,may it please ,his ,majesty to forgive me1 for ,i have been the cause of much evil4 ,for one thing1 the devil sometimes fills me with such a harsh and cruel temper3 such a spirit of anger and hostility at some people1 that ,i could eat them up and annihilate them4 ,at the same time1 concerning things said of myself in detraction1 and they are many1 and are very prejudicial to me1 ,i find myself much improved4 ,these things make little impression upon me4 ,i am under them as a deaf man that hears not1 and as a man in whose mouth there is no retaliation4 ,nay1 ,i almost always see that my greatest detractors have only too good reason for what they say4 ,in this way my soul actually gains peace and strength under detraction1 till it becomes a great favour done me1 and a great advantage4 ,upon betaking myself to prayer1 ,i find in my heart neither repugnance at my detractors nor enmity4 ,for1 although1 when ,i first hear the detraction1 it causes me a little disconcert1 yet not any long-lasting disquiet or alteration4 ,nay1 sometimes when ,i see people take pity on me because of my detractors1 ,i laugh at them1 so little do all my detractors now hurt me4 ,,on ,,self-,,excusing ,that which ,i am now to persuade you to1 namely1 the not excusing of yourselves1 causes a great confusion in me4 ,for it is a very perfect quality and of great merit2 and ,i ought far better to practise what ,i tell you concerning this excellent virtue4 ,i confess myself to be but little improved in this noble duty4 ,for it is a mark of the deepest and truest humility to see ourselves condemned without cause1 and to be silent under it4 ,it is a very noble imitation of our ,lord4 ,were ,i truly humble1 ,i would desire disesteem1 even though having in the matter in hand given no real offence4 ,here no bodily strength is needed1 my daughters1 nor any one's assistance1 but ,god's4 ,how well is this written1 and how ill is it practised by the writer6 ,indeed1 ,i never could make trial of this grace in any matter of consequence1 because ,i never heard of any one speaking ill of me1 but ,i immediately saw how far short he came of the full truth4 ,for1 if he was wrong or exaggerated in his particulars1 ,i had offended ,god much more in other matters that my detractor knew nothing about4 ,and1 methought1 ,god favoured me much in not proclaiming my secret sins to all men4 ,and1 thus1 ,i am very glad that my detractor should ever report a trifling lie about me1 rather than the terrible truth4 ,o my ,lord1 when ,i remember in how many ways ,thou didst suffer detraction and misrepresentation1 who in no way deserved it1 ,i know not where my senses are when ,i am in such a haste to defend and excuse myself4 ,is it possible that ,i should desire any one to speak any good of me1 or to think it1 when so many ill things were thought and spoken of ,thee6 ,what is this1 ,o ,lord2 what do we imagine to get by pleasing worms1 or being praised by them8 ,what about being blamed by all men1 if only we stand at last blameless before ,thee6 ,,on ,,praise1 ,,precedency1 ,,and ,,points ,,of ,,honour ,observe carefully the stirrings of your heart in matters of superiority4 ,pray to be delivered from such thoughts as these3 ,i am older4 ,i deserve better4 ,i have laboured more4 ,i have more talent4 ,such thoughts are the plague and poison of the heart4 ,believe me1 if there remain in you any allowed hankerings after the praises of men1 though you may have spent many years in prayer1 or rather in idle forms of prayer1 you have made no progress1 and never will1 till your heart is crucified to the approval and the praise of men4 ,if you feel in yourself any point of honour1 any pride1 any desire of eminence or pre-eminence1 you must free yourself from that abominable bondage1 and for that chain there is no hammer and file like humility and prayer4 ,among the rest of my great imperfections this was one4 ,i had very little knowledge of my ,breviary1 or of that which was to be sung in the choir1 and all the while ,i saw that some other novices could instruct me4 ,but ,i was too proud to ask any questions4 ,i was afraid that my great ignorance should be discovered4 ,shortly afterwards a good example was set before me1 and then1 when ,god had once opened my eyes to my sinful pride1 ,i was content to ask information and the help even of little children4 ,and yet1--and this surprised me1 ,i lost no credit or honour thereby4 ,nay1 it seemed to me that my ,lord after that gave me better skill and a better memory4 ,i could sing but very ill1 and ,i was troubled at this1 not because ,i failed in my worship of ,god1 but because so many heard me1 and thus ,i was disturbed on the mere point of honour and praise4 ,i told them that ,i could not do what others did1 and what was expected of me4 ,at first ,i had some difficulty in this1 but it soon became both natural and pleasant to me to tell the truth4 ,by these nothings1--and they are really nothings1 and ,i am sufficiently nothing when such things could put me to so much pain1--and by little and little ,his ,divine ,majesty vouchsafed to supply me with strength4 ,i was never good at the choir1 but ,i tried to do my part for it in folding up the mantles of the singers2 and1 methought1 in that ,i was serving the angels of ,god who so well praised ,him4 ,i did that also by stealth1 such was my pride1 and my pride was hurt when they discovered what ,i did4 ,o my ,lord1 who that ever reads this can fail to despise and abhor me8 ,i beseech ,thy ,divine ,majesty that ,i may soon be able to leave all such vanities as the praise and blame of men1 and seek ,thy praise only6 ,and then add this1 which is worth knowing4 ,the devil will not dare to tempt one to pride or precedency who is truly humble because1 being very crafty1 he fears defeat4 ,if you are truly humble1 you will only grow in that grace by every temptation to pride or praise4 ,for1 immediately on the temptation1 you will reflect on your whole past life and present character1 and on the stupendous humility of ,jesus ,christ4 ,and by these considerations your tempted soul will come off so victorious1 that the enemy will think twice before he comes back1 for fear of a broken head4 ,,on ,,humility ,keep yourselves1 my daughters1 from that false humility which the devil suggests concerning the greatness of your sins4 ,for hereby he is wont to disquiet our souls after sundry sorts1 and to draw us off ,holy ,communion1 and also from prayer4 ,it is sometimes a great and a true humility to esteem ourselves as bad as may be1 but at other times it is a false and a spurious humility4 ,i know it1 for ,i have experienced it4 ,true humility1 however great1 does not disquiet nor disorder the soul4 ,it comes with great peace1 and great serenity1 and great delight4 ,though we should see our utter wickedness1 and how truly we deserve to be in hell1 and think that both ,god and man must despise and abhor us2 yet1 if this be a true humility1 it comes with a certain sweetness and satisfaction attending it4 ,this humility does not stifle nor crush the soul4 ,it rather dilates the soul1 and disposes the soul for the better service of ,god4 ,while that other sorrow troubles all1 and confounds all1 and destroys all4 ,it is the devil's humility when he gets us to distrust ,god4 ,when you find yourselves thus1 lay aside all thinking on your own misery1 and meditate on the infinite mercy of ,god1 and on the inexhaustible merit and grace of ,jesus ,christ4 ,i was once considering what the reason was why our ,lord loved humility in us so much1 when ,i suddenly remembered that ,he is essentially the ,supreme ,truth1 and that humility is just our walking in the truth4 ,for it is a very great truth that we have no good in us1 but only misery and nothingness1 and he who does not understand this walks in lies3 but he who understands this the best is the most pleasing to the ,supreme ,truth4 ,may ,god grant us this favour1 sisters1 never to be without the humbling knowledge of ourselves4 ,o ,sovereign ,virtues6 ,o ,ladies of all the creatures6 ,o ,empresses of the whole world6 ,whoever hath you may go forth and fight boldly with all hell at once4 ,let your soldiers not fear1 for victory is already theirs4 ,they only fear to displease ,god4 ,they constantly beseech ,him to maintain all the virtues in them4 ,it is true these virtues have this property1 to hide themselves from him who possesses them1 so that he never sees them in himself1 nor thinks that he can ever possess a single one of them4 ,other men see all the virtues in him1 but he so values them that he still pursues them1 and seeks them as something never to be attained by such as he is4 ,and ,humility is one of them1 and is ,queen and ,empress and ,sovereign over them all4 ,in fine1 one act of true humility in the sight of ,god is of more worth than all the knowledge1 sacred and profane1 in the whole world4 ,,on ,,sorrow ,,for ,,sin ,it is indeed a very great misery to live on in this evil world where our enemies are ever at our gate1 and where we can neither eat nor sleep in peace1 but are compelled to have our armour on night and day4 ,there is no rest here1 nor happiness1 nor will be till we are with the ,everlastingly ,blessed4 ,as ,i write ,i am seized with terror1 lest ,i should never escape this sinful life4 ,pray for me1 my daughters1 that ,christ may ever live in me3 for1 otherwise1 what security can there be for such as ,i am1 who have been so wicked4 ,you may sometimes have thought1 my daughters1 that those to whom the ,lord particularly communicates ,himself1 will be henceforth secure of enjoying ,him for ever1 and that they will have no need to fear or bewail their former sins4 ,but this is a great mistake4 ,sorrow for sin increases in proportion as more and more grace is received from ,god4 ,and ,i1 for my part1 believe1 that this bitter sorrow will never leave us till we come where neither sin nor anything else will ever disquiet us4 ,true1 both past sin1 and present sinfulness1 affect us more at one time than at another2 and1 likewise1 in a different manner4 ,i know one who often wishes for death1 that she may be freed from the torment of her sinful heart4 ,no one's sins can equal hers1 because there can be no one who has obtained such favours of her ,god4 ,her fear is not so much of hell1 as that she should so grieve ,god's ,holy ,spirit1 that ,he will be wearied out1 and will forsake her1 and leave her in her sins4 ,this fear and pain is not at all eased by believing that her past sins have all been forgiven and forgotten of ,god4 ,nay1 her fear and pain but increase by seeing such mercy extended toward a woman who deserves nothing but hell4 ,,on ,,learning ,,and ,,intellect ,i always had a great respect and affection for intellectual and learned men4 ,it is my experience that all who intend to be true ,christians will do well to treat with men of mind and books about their souls4 ,the more learning our preachers and pastors have the better4 ,for if they have not much experience themselves1 yet they know the ,scriptures and the recorded experiences of the saints better than we do4 ,the devil is exceedingly afraid of learning1 especially where it is accompanied with humility and virtue4 ,for my own part1 ,i bless ,god continually1 and we women1 and all such as are not ourselves intellectual or learned1 are always to give ,god infinite thanks that there are some men in the world who take such great pains to attain to that knowledge which we need but do not possess4 ,and it delights me to see men taking the immense trouble they do take to bring me so much profit1 and that without any trouble to me4 ,i have only to sit still and hear them4 ,i have only to come and ask them a question4 ,let us pray for our teachers1 for what would we do without them4 ,i beseech the ,lord to bless our teachers1 that they may be more and more a blessing to us4 ,when ,i spoke of humility1 it must not be understood as if ,i spoke against aspiring after the highest things that mind and heart and life can attain to4 ,for though ,i have no ability for the wisdom and the knowledge of ,god myself1 and am so miserable that ,god did me a great favour in teaching me the very lowliest truths3 yet1 in my judgment1 learning and knowledge are very great possessions1 and a great assistance in the life of prayer1 if only they are always accompanied with humility4 ,i have of late seen some very learned men become in addition very spiritual and prayerful men4 ,and that makes me pray that all our men of mind and learning may soon become spiritual men and men of much prayer4 ,let no one be admitted into this ,house unless she is a woman of a sound understanding4 ,for if she is without mind she will neither know herself1 nor understand her teachers4 ,for the most part they that are defective in mind ever think that they understand things better than their teachers4 ,and ignorance and self-conceit is a disease that is incurable2 and besides1 it usually carries great malice along with it4 ,many speak much and understand little4 ,others1 again1 speak little and not very elegantly1 and yet they have a sound understanding4 ,there is such a thing as a holy simplicity that knows little of anything but of how to treat with ,god4 ,at the same time commend me to holy people of good heads4 ,from silly devotees1 may ,god deliver us6 ,while all that is true1 in the very act of prayer itself there is little necessity for learning1 for the mind then1 because of its nearness to the light1 is itself immediately illuminated4 ,i myself1 who am what ,i am1 even ,i am a different person in prayer4 ,it has often happened to me1 who scarcely understand a word of what ,i read in ,latin1 when in deep prayer1 to understand the ,latin ,psalms as if they were ,spanish4 ,at the same time1 even for prayer1 let those who have to teach and preach take full advantage of their learning1 that they may help poor people of little learning1 of whom ,i am one4 ,ministering with all learning and all intellectual ability to souls is a great thing1 when it is done unto ,god4 ,i have many experiences in prayer that ,i do not understand1 and cannot explain or defend4 ,our ,lord has not been pleased to give me the full intellectual understanding of all ,his dealings with me4 ,that is the truth4 ,though you1 my father1 may think that ,i have a quick understanding1 it is in reality not so4 ,sometimes my advisers used to be amazed at my ignorance how ,god carried on ,his work within me4 ,it was there1 but the way of it was a great deep to me4 ,i could neither wade out unto ,god1 nor down into myself4 ,though1 as ,i have said1 ,i loved to converse with men of mind as well as of heart4 ,at the same time1 my difficulties but increased my devotion1 and the greater my difficulty the greater the increase of my devotion4 ,praise ,his ,name4 ,,on ,,prayer 7#a7 ,the ,price of ,prayer4--,o ,thou ,lord of my soul1 and my ,eternal ,good1 why is it that when a soul resolves to follow ,thee1 and to do her best to forsake all for ,thee1--why is it that ,thou dost not instantly perfect ,thy love and ,thy peace within that soul8 ,but ,i have spoken unadvisedly and foolishly1 for it is we who are at fault in prayer1 and never ,thee4 ,we are so long and so slow in giving up our hearts to ,thee4 ,and then ,thou wilt not permit our enjoyment of ,thee without our paying well for so precious a possession4 ,there is nothing in all the world wherewith to buy the shedding abroad of ,thy love in our heart1 but our heart's love4 ,if1 however1 we did what we could1 not clinging with our hearts to anything whatsoever in this world1 but having our treasure and our conversation in heaven1 then this blessedness would soon be ours1 as all ,thy saints testify4 ,god never withholds ,himself from him who pays this price and who perseveres in seeking ,him4 ,he will1 little by little1 and now and then1 strengthen and restore that soul1 till at last it is victorious4 ,if he who enters on this road only does violence enough to himself1 with the help of ,god1 he will not only go to heaven himself1 but he will not go alone3 he will take others with him4 ,god will give him1 as to a good leader1 those who will go after him4 ,only1 let not any man of prayer ever expect to enjoy his whole reward here4 ,he must remain a man of faith and prayer to the end4 ,let him resolve1 then1 that whatever his aridity and sense of indevotion may be1 he will never let himself sink utterly under his cross4 ,and the day will come when he will receive all his petitions in one great answer1 and all his wages in one great reward4 ,for he serves a good ,master1 who stands over him watching him4 ,and let him never give over because of evil thoughts1 even if they are sprung upon him in the middle of his prayer1 for the devil so vexed the holy ,jerome even in the wilderness4 ,but all these toils of soul have their sure reward1 and their just recompense set out for them4 ,and1 ,i can assure you1 as one who knows what she is saying1 that one single drop of water out of ,god's living well will both sustain you and reward you for another day and another night of your life of life-long prayer4 7#b7 ,sin spoils ,prayer4--,now ,i saw that there would be no answer to me till ,i had entire purity of conscience1 and no longer regarded any iniquity whatsoever in my heart4 ,i saw that there were some secret affections still left in me1 which1 though they were not very bad perhaps in themselves1 yet in a life of prayer such as ,i was attempting those remanent affections spoiled all4 7#c7 ,eighteen ,years of ,misery in ,prayer4--,it is not without very good reason that ,i have dwelt so long on this part of my life4 ,it will give no one any pleasure to see any one so base as ,i was4 ,and ,i wish all who read this to have me in abhorrence4 ,i failed in all obedience1 because ,i was not leaning on my strong pillar of prayer4 ,i passed nearly twenty years of my life on this stormy sea1 constantly tossed with tempest and never coming to harbour4 ,it was the most painful life that can be imagined1 because ,i had no sweetness in ,god1 and certainly no sweetness in sin4 ,i was often very angry with myself on account of the many tears ,i shed for my faults1 when ,i could not but see how little improvement all my tears made in me4 ,all my tears did not hold me back from sin when the opportunity returned4 ,till ,i came to look on my tears as little short of a delusion3 and yet they were not4 ,it was the goodness of the ,lord to give me such compunction even when it was not as yet accompanied with complete reformation4 ,but the whole root of my evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding all occasions of sin1 and in my confessors1 who helped me at that time so little4 ,if they had only told me what a dangerous road it was ,i was travelling in1 and that ,i was bound to break off all occasions of sin1 ,i do believe1 without any doubt1 that the matter would have been remedied at once4 ,nevertheless1 ,i can trace distinctly the mercy of ,god to me in that all the time ,i had still the courage to pray4 ,i say courage1 because ,i know nothing in the whole world that requires greater courage than plotting treason against the ,king1 knowing that ,he knows it1 and yet continuing to frequent ,his presence in prayer4 ,i spent more than eighteen years in that miserable attempt to reconcile ,god and my life of sin4 ,the reason that ,i tell and repeat all this so often is that all who read what ,i write may understand how great is that grace ,god works in the soul when ,he gives it a disposition to pray on1 even when it has not yet left off all sin4 ,if that soul perseveres1 in spite of sin1 and temptation1 and many relapses1 our ,lord will bring that soul at last--,i am certain of it--to the harbour of salvation1 to which ,he is surely bringing myself4 ,i will say what ,i know by experience1--let him never cease from prayer1 who has once begun to pray1 be his life ever so bad4 ,for prayer is the only way to amend his life1 and without prayer it will never be mended4 ,let him not be tempted of the devil1 as ,i was1 to give up prayer on account of his unworthiness4 ,let him rather believe that if he will only still repent and pray1 our ,lord will still hear and answer4 ,for myself1 very often ,i was more occupied with the wish to see the end of the hour4 ,i used actually to watch the sand-glass4 ,and the sadness ,i sometimes felt on entering my oratory was so great1 that it required all my courage to force myself in4 ,in the end our ,lord came to my help3 and1 then1 when ,i had done this violence to myself1 ,i found far greater peace and joy than when ,i prayed with regale and rapture4 ,if our ,lord then bore so long with me in all my wickedness1 why should any one despair1 however wicked he may be8 ,let him have been ever so wicked up till now1 he will not remain in his wickedness so many years as ,i did after receiving so many graces from our ,lord4 ,and this more ,i will say1--prayer was the true door by which our ,lord distributed out all ,his grace so liberally to me4 ,prayer and trust4 ,i used indeed to pray for help3 but ,i see now that ,i committed all the time the fatal mistake of not putting my whole trust in ,his ,majesty4 ,i should have utterly and thoroughly distrusted and detested and suspected myself4 ,i sought for help4 ,i sometimes took great pains to get it4 ,but ,i did not understand of how little use all that is unless we root utterly all confidence out of ourselves1 and place it at once1 and for ever1 and absolutely in ,god4 ,those were eighteen miserable years4 7#d7 ,aridity in ,prayer4--,let no one weary or lose heart in prayer because of aridity4 ,for the ,hearer of prayer comes in all such cases very late4 ,but at last ,he comes4 ,and though ,he confessedly comes late1 ,he correspondingly makes up to the soul for all ,his delays1 and rewards her on the spot for all her toil1 and dryness1 and discouragement of many years4 ,i have great pity on those who give way and lose all this through not being taught to persevere in prayer4 ,it is a bad beginning1 and very prejudicial to proficiency in prayer1 to use it for the gust and consolation that a man receives at the time4 ,i know by my own experience1 that he who determines to pray1 not much heeding either immediate comfort or dejection1 he has got into one of the best secrets of prayer4 ,i am troubled to hear that grave men1 and men of learning and understanding1 complain that ,god does not give them sensible devotion4 ,it proceeds from ignorance of the true life of prayer1 and from not carrying the cross into prayer as into all the rest of the spiritual life4 ,he who begins to pray should be well told that he begins to plant a fine garden in very bad soil2 a soil full of the most noxious and ineradicable weeds4 ,and that after good herbs and plants and flowers have been sown1 then he has to weed and water and fence and watch that garden night and day and all his life4 ,till the ,lord of the garden is able to come and recreate and regale ,himself where once there was nothing but weeds1 and stones1 and noxious vermin4 ,prayer1 howsoever perfect in itself it may be1 must always be directed in upon the performance of good works4 ,we must not content ourselves with the gift of prayer1 or with liberty and consolation and gust in prayer4 ,we must come out from prayer the most rapturous and sweet only to do harder and ever harder works for ,god and our neighbour4 ,otherwise the prayer is not good1 and the gusts are not from ,god4 ,the growth and maturity and fruitfulness of the soul do not stand in liberty in prayer1 but in love4 ,and this love is got not by speaking much but by doing and suffering much4 ,for my part1 and ,i have been long at it1 ,i desire no other gift of prayer but that which ends in every day making me a better and better woman4 ,by its fruits your prayer will be known to yourselves and others4 ,at other times ,i find myself so arid that ,i am not able to form any distinct idea of ,god1 nor can ,i put my soul into an attitude of prayer1 though ,i am in the place of prayer1 and though ,i feel that ,i know something of ,god4 ,this mind of mine at such times is like a born fool or some idiot creature that nothing can bind down4 ,i cannot command myself4 ,i cannot properly say one ,credo4 ,at such times ,i laugh bitterly at myself1 and see clearly my own natural misery4 ,i come then to see the exceeding favour of the ,lord in that ,he ever holds this insane fool fast in prayer and holiness4 ,what would those who love and honour me think if they saw their friend in this dotage and distraction8 ,i reflect at such times on the great hurt our original sin has done us4 ,for it is from our first fall that all this has come to us that we so wander from ,god1 and are so often utterly incapable of ,god4 ,but it is not so much ,adam's sin as my own that works in me all this alienation and inability and aridity4 ,methinks ,i love ,god2 but my actions1 and the endless imperfections ,i see in myself1 cause me great fear1 and deep and inconsolable distress4 7#e7 ,prayer after ,sin4--,never let any one leave off prayer on any pretence3 great sins committed1 or any other pretence whatsoever4 ,for by leaving off prayer the soul will be finally lost1 while every return to prayer is new life and new strength1 as ,i am continually telling you4 ,i tell you again that the leaving off of prayer was the most devilish and the most deadly temptation ,i ever met with4 7#f7 ,meditation in ,prayer4--,he who prays should often stop to think with whom he speaks3 who he himself is who speaks3 who ,jesus ,christ is through whom he speaks3 what that country is to which he aspires3 how he may best please ,him who dwells there3 and what he is to do so that his character and disposition may suit with ,god's disposition and character4 ,mental prayer1 as ,i am wont to call it1 is the constant meditation of such things as these4 ,and mental prayer ought to be endeavoured after by all1 though they have no virtues1 because it is the beginning of them1 and therefore the one interest of all men is at once to begin such prayer4 ,but it will be exercised with no little difficulty unless the steady acquisition of the virtues accompanies it4 ,in prayer it is far best to be alone2 as1 for our example and instruction1 our ,lord always was when ,he prayed4 ,for we cannot talk both to ,god and man at the same moment4 ,and1 if we feel too much alone1 and must have company1 no company is comparable to ,christ's company4 ,let us picture and represent ,christ to ourselves and to ,his ,father as always at our side4 ,those who pray with proper preparation3 that is1 with much meditation on the whole life and death of our ,lord3 on their own death3 on the last day1 or such like1 our ,lord will bring all such to the port of light4 ,meditate much on the ,sacred ,humanity of our ,lord3 what ,he was on earth3 what ,he said3 what ,he did1 and what ,he suffered4 ,because this life of ours is long and uphill1 which to pass well through needs the constant presence with us of our great ,exemplar1 ,jesus ,christ4 7#g7 ,the ,presence of ,god in ,prayer4--,in prayer there would sometimes come upon me such a sense of the ,presence of ,god that ,i seemed to be all engulfed in ,god4 ,i think the learned call this mystical experience2 at any rate1 it so suspends the ordinary operations of the soul that she seems to be wholly taken out of herself4 ,this tenderness1 this sweetness1 this regale is nothing else but the ,presence of ,god in the praying soul4 ,at the same time1 ,i believe that we can greatly help toward the obtaining of ,god's ,presence4 ,we obtain it by considering much our own baseness1 the neglect and the ingratitude we show toward the ,son of ,god1 how much ,he has done for us1 ,his passion and terrible suffering1 ,his whole life so full of affliction1 by delighting ourselves in ,his word and in ,his works1 and such things as these4 ,and if in these reflections the soul be seized with the ,presence of ,god1 then the whole soul is regaled as ,i have described4 ,the heart is filled with relenting4 ,tears also abound4 ,in this way does the ,divine ,majesty repay us even here for any little care we take to serve ,him and to be with ,him4 ,the life of prayer is just love to ,god and the custom of being ever with ,him4 7#h7 ,supernatural ,prayer4--,in supernatural prayer ,god places the soul in ,his immediate ,presence1 and in an instant bestows ,himself upon the soul in a way she could never of herself attain to4 ,he manifests something of ,his greatness to the soul at such times3 something of ,his beauty1 something of ,his special and particular grace4 ,and the soul enjoys ,god without dialectically understanding just how she so enjoys ,him4 ,she burns with love without knowing what she has done to deserve or to prepare herself for such a rapture4 ,it is the gift of ,god1 and ,he gives ,his gifts to whomsoever and whensoever ,he will4 ,this1 my daughters1 is perfect contemplation3 this is supernatural prayer4 ,now this is the difference between natural and supernatural prayer3 between mental and transcendental prayer4 ,in ordinary prayer we more or less understand what we say and do4 ,we think of ,him to whom we speak2 we think about ourselves and about our ,surety and ,mediator4 ,in all this1 by ,god's help1 we can do something1 so to speak1 of ourselves4 ,but in pure supernatural and transcendental prayer1 we do nothing at all4 ,his ,divine ,majesty it is who does it all4 ,he works in us at such elect seasons what far transcends and overtops all the powers and resources even of the renewed nature4 ,at the same time1 as a far-off means of attaining to supernatural prayer1 it is necessary to put upon ourselves the acquiring of the great virtues1 and especially1 humility3 we must give up and resign ourselves wholly and entirely unto ,god4 ,whoever will not attempt to do this1 with all the grace of ,god1 that man will never come within sight of the highest prayer4 ,let him1 in absolutely everything1 seat himself in the lowest place4 ,let him account himself utterly and hopelessly unworthy of everything he possesses1 both in nature and in grace4 ,let him shun advancement4 ,let him apply himself to daily mortification1 not of the body so much as of the mind and the heart1 and let him be more than content with the least thing that ,god allows him1 for this is true humility4 ,in short1 let ,his ,majesty lead us in any way ,he pleases1 and the chances are that ,he will soon lead us by these ways to a life of prayer and communion it had not entered into our hearts to conceive possible to such sinners as we are4 ,let no man be too much cast down1 because he has not yet attained to supernatural prayer4 ,god leads ,his people in the way that ,he chooses out as best for ,him and for them4 ,and he who stands low in his own eyes1 may all the time stand high in ,god's eyes4 ,supernatural prayer is not necessary to salvation3 nor doth ,god require it of us4 ,they shall not fail of salvation who practise themselves in the solid virtues4 ,no1 they may have more merit in ,his eyes than their more favoured neighbours1 because their obedience1 and their faith1 and their love have cost them more4 ,their ,lord deals with them as with strong and valiant men1 appointing them travail and trouble here1 that they may fight for ,him the good fight of faith1 and only come in for the prize at the end4 ,and1 after all1 what greater mark of a high election can there be than to taste much of the cross8 ,whom the ,lord loveth1 in that measure ,he lays on them ,his cross4 ,and the heaviest of all our crosses is a life of sanctification and service without sensible consolation4 7#i7 ,over-familiarity in ,prayer4--,he was a man of a powerful understanding4 ,i thought on his great gifts1 and the possibilities there were in him of doing great service if he were once entirely devoted to ,god4 ,he asked me to recommend him much to ,god1 and ,i did not need to be asked4 ,i went away to the place to which ,i used to retreat in cases like this4 ,and once there1 ,i put myself into a state of entire recollection1 and began to treat with our ,lord in a way1 when ,i think of it1 of too great familiarity4 ,but it was love that spake1 and every one allows love great familiarity1 and no one so much as our ,lord4 ,my soul overlooked the distance between herself and her ,lord4 ,she forgot herself1 as she so often does1 and began to talk impertinences and to take too great freedoms4 ,i entreated our ,lord with many tears4 ,i judged my friend to be already a good man1 but ,i must have him much better1 and ,i said so too freely1 ,i fear4 ',o ,lord1' ,i remember ,i said1' ,thou must not deny me this favour that ,i ask4 ,this is a man for us to make a friend of4' ,and far more than that4 ,and ,he did it4 ,yes1 ,he did it4 ,o ,his immense bounty and goodness6 ,he regards not the words but the affection with which the words are uttered4 ,that must be so1 when ,he endures with such an impertinent and over-familiar and irreverent wretch as ,i am2 endures and answers4 ,may ,he be blessed to all eternity6 7#aj7 ,the ,best ,result of ,prayer4--,to ,father ,gratian4 ,to-day ,i received three letters from your ,reverence by the way of the head-post4 ,the whole matter is in a nut-shell4 ,that prayer is the most acceptable which leaves the best results4 ,results1 ,i mean1 in actions4 ,that is true prayer4 ,not certain gusts of softness and feeling1 and nothing more4 ,for myself1 ,i wish no other prayer but that which improves me in virtue4 ,i would fain live more nearly as ,i pray4 ,i count that to be a good prayer which leaves me more humble1 even if it is still with great temptations1 tribulations1 and aridities4 ,for it must never be thought that because a man has much suffering1 therefore he cannot have prayed acceptably4 ,his suffering is as incense set forth before ,god4 ,tell my daughters that they must work and suffer as well as pray1 and that it is the best prayer that has with it the most work and the most suffering4 7#aa7 ,a ,bishop taught to ,pray4--,to ,don ,alonzo ,velasquez1 ,bishop of ,osma4 ,your ,reverence enjoined me the other day to recommend you to ,god4 ,i have done so3 not regarding my own inconsiderableness1 but your requisition and your rights4 ,and ,i promise myself from your goodness that you will take in good part what ,i feel compelled to say to you1 and will accept that which proceeds only from my obedience to you4 ,recognising1 then1 and representing to our ,lord1 the great favours ,he has done you in having bestowed upon you humility1 charity1 zeal for souls1 and a strong desire to vindicate the ,divine honour1 ,i still besought the ,lord for an increase in you of all these same virtues and perfections in order that you may prove as accomplished in all these things as the dignity of your office requires4 ,till it was discovered to me that you still wanted that which is the foundation of every virtue1 and without which the whole superstructure dissolves1 and falls in ruins4 ,you want prayer4 ,you want believing1 persevering1 courageous prayer4 ,and the want of that prayer causes all that drought and disunion from which you say your soul suffers4 ,that which was shown me as the way your lordship is henceforth to pray is this4 ,you are to recollect and accuse yourself of all your sins since your last time of like prayer4 ,you are to divest yourself of everything as if you were that moment to die4 ,you are to begin by reciting to yourself and to ,god the ,fifty-first ,psalm4 ,and after that you must say this4 ',i come1 ,o ,lord1 ,bishop as ,i am1 to ,thy children's school of prayer and obedience4 ,i come to ,thee not to teach1 but to learn4 ,i will speak to ,thee1 who am but dust and ashes4' ,and all the time set before the eyes of your soul ,jesus ,christ crucified1 and ruminate on ,him in some such way as this4 ,fix your eyes on that stupendous humility of ,his whereby ,he so annihilated ,himself4 ,look on ,his head crowned with thorns4 ,fix your eyes on ,his nailed hands1 ,his feet1 and ,his side4 ,meditate on and interrogate every one of ,his wounds for you4 ,it behoves you also to go to prayer with a most entire resignation and submission and pliantness to go that way in religion and in life that ,god points out to you4 ,sometimes ,he will teach you by turning ,his back on you3 and1 anon1 by lifting up the light of ,his countenance upon you4 ,sometimes by shutting you out of ,his presence1 and sometimes by bringing you into ,his banqueting-house4 ,and you are to receive it all with the same equability of mind1 knowing that ,he always acts for the best4 ,otherwise you will go to teach ,god in your prayers1 which is not the proper scope and intent of prayer at all4 ,and when you say that you are dust and ashes1 you must observe and exhibit the proper quality of such4 ,in our ,lord's prayer in the garden1 ,he requested that the bitterness and the terrible trial ,he felt in overcoming ,his human nature might be taken away4 ,he did not ask that ,his pains might be taken away1 but only the disgust wherewith ,he suffered them4 ,and when it was answered ,him that it was not expedient but that ,he should drink that cup1 ,he had to master that weakness and pusillanimity of the flesh1 as must all other men4 ,one cannot be a great scholar1 or even a finished courtier1 without great pains and expense2 and to be a scholar in the ,church1 and a minister1 and a master in the science of ,heaven1 cannot be done without long time at school and much hard work4 ,and herewith ,i desist from saying more to your lordship1 whose pardon ,i beg for all this presumption4 ,which1 however full it may be of defects and indiscretions1 is not wanting in that zeal ,i owe to your service as one of the most wandering and gone astray of your lordship's flock4 ,our ,lord preserve your lordship1 and enrich you with the manifold increase of ,his grace4 ,i am1 your lordship's unworthy servant and subject1 ,teresa of ,jesus4 7#ab7 ,the proper ,readers of what the ,saint has ,written1--,and now ,i return most humbly to beseech your ,reverence1 that1 if you mean to impart to any one these things that you have made me write concerning prayer1 let them be imparted to spiritual persons1 and to persons of real insight only4 ,for1 indeed1 ,i have written for persons of exceptional experience and exceptional prudence only4 ,what ,i have written1 ,i fear1 very few are capable of4 ,but what am ,i1 to speak thus about any but myself8 ,farewell4--,i am1 ,,teresa ,,the ,,sinner4