,,the ,secret of a ,happy ,home ,,by ,,marion ,,harland ,,published ,,by ,,the ,,christian ,,herald1 ,,louis ,,klopsch1 ,proprietor1 ,,bible ,,house1 ,,new ,,york4 ,copyright1 #ahif1 ,,by ,,louis ,,klopsch4 ,dedication4 ,to ,my ,children1 ,the ,blessed ,three1 ,whose ,love and ,loyalty ,have made mine a ,happy ,home ,and my ,life ,worth ,living1 ,the volume is ,gratefully ,dedicated4 ,,marion ,,harland4 ,the ,secret of a ,happy ,home4 ,,introductory4 ,an ,open ,secret1 ,,chapter ,i4 ,sisterly ,discourse with ,john's ,wife ,concerning ,john1 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,the ,family ,purse1 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,the ,parable of the ,rich ,woman and the ,farmer's ,wife1 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,little ,things that are ,trifles1 ,,chapter ,v4 ,a ,mistake on ,john's ,part1 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,chink-,fillers1 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,must-haves and ,may-bes1 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,what ,good ,will ,it ,do8 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,shall ,i ,pass ,it ,on8 ,,chapter ,x4 ,only ,her ,nerves1 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,the ,rule of ,two1 ,,chapter ,,xii ,the ,perfect ,work of ,patience1 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,according to ,his ,folly1 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,buttered ,parsnips1 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,is ,marriage ,reformatory8 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,john's ,mother1 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,and ,other ,relations-in-,law1 ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,a ,timid ,word for the ,step-mother1 ,,chapter ,,xix4 ,children as ,helpers1 ,,chapter ,,xx4 ,children as ,burden-bearers1 ,,chapter ,,xxi4 ,our ,young ,person1 ,,chapter ,,xxii4 ,our ,boy1 ,,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,that ,spoiled ,child1 ,,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,getting ,along in ,years1 ,,chapter ,,xxv4 ,truth-telling1 ,,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,the ,gospel of ,conventionalities1 ,,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,familiar1 or ,intimate8 ,,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,our ,stomachs1 ,,chapter ,,xxix4 ,cheerfulness as a ,christian ,duty1 ,,chapter ,,xxx4 ,the ,family ,invalid1 ,,chapter ,,xxxi4 ,a ,temperance ,talk1 ,,chapter ,,xxxii4 ,family ,music1 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii4 ,family ,religion1 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv4 ,a ,parting ,word for ,boy1 ,,chapter ,,xxxv4 ,homely1 ,but ,important1 ,,chapter ,,xxxvi4 ,four-,feet-,upon-a-,fender1 ,,introductory4 ,,an ,,open ,,secret4 ,some one asked me the other day1 if ,i were not weary of being so often put forward to talk of ',how to ,make ,home ,happy1' a subject upon which nothing new could be said4 ,my answer was then what it is now3 ,were ,i to undertake to utter one-thousandth part that the importance of the theme demands1 the contest would be between me and ,time4 ,i should need all the time there is4 ,henry ,ward ,beecher once prefaced a lecture delivered during the ,civil ,war by saying3 ,the ,copperhead species chancing to abound in this locality1 ,i have been requested to select as my subject this evening something that will not be likely to lead to the mention of ,slavery4 ,i confess myself to be somewhat perplexed by this petition1 the orator went on to say1 with the twinkle in his eye we all recollect--for ,i have yet to learn of any subject that could not easily lead me up to the discussion of a sin against ,god and man which ,i could not exaggerate were every letter a ,mt4 ,sinai--,i mean1 ,american ,slavery4 ,likening the lesser to the greater1 allow me to say that ,i cannot imagine any topic worthy the attention of ,god-fearing1 humanity-loving men and women that would not be connected in some degree1 near or remote1 with ,home1 and ,how to ,make ,home ,happy4 ,the general principles underlying home-making of the right kind are as well-known as the fact that what is named gravitation draws falling bodies to the earth4 ,these principles may be set down roughly as ,order1 ,kindness and ,mutual ,forbearance4 ,upon one or another of these pegs hangs everything which enters into the comfort and pleasure of the household1 taken collectively and individually4 ,they are the beams1 the uprights and the roofing of the building4 ,the chats1 more or less confidential and altogether unconventional1 which ,i propose to hold with the readers of this modest volume have to do with certain sub-laws which are so often overlooked that--to return to the figure of the building--the wind finds its way through chinks2 the floors creak and the general impression is that of bare homeliness4 ,house and ,home go together upon tongue and upon pen as naturally as hook-and-eye1 shovel-and-tongs1 knife-and-fork1--yet the coupling is rather a trick learned through habit than an act of reason4 ,the words are not synonyms of necessity or in fact4 ,upon these1 the first pages of my unconventional book1 ,i avow my knowledge of what1 so far from humiliating1 stimulates me--to wit1 that nine-tenths of those who will look beyond the title-page will be women4 ,this is well1 and as ,i would have it to be1 for without feminine agency no house1 however well appointed1 can be anything higher than an official residence4 ,man's first possession in a world then unmarred by sin was a dwelling-place--but ,eden was not a home until the woman joined him there4 ,throughout the ages and all over the world1 as mother1 wife1 sister1 daughter 7often1 let me observe in passing1 as old-maid aunt7 she has stood with him as the representative of the rest1 sympathy and love to be found nowhere except under his own roof-tree1 and beside his own fireside4 ,it is not the house that makes the home1 any more than it is the jeweled case that makes the watch1 or the body that makes the human being4 ,it is the ,presence1 the nameless influence which is the earliest acknowledged by the child1 and the latest to be forgotten by man or woman4 ,the establishment of this power is essentially woman's prerogative4 ,in this one respect--,i dare not say in any other--we outrank our brothers4 ,they can build palaces and the furniture that fits them up in regal state2 they can1 even better than we1 prepare for the royal tables food convenient for them1 and fashion the attire of the revelers1 and make the music and sing the songs and write the books and paint the pictures of the world4 ,they may make and execute our laws and sail our seas1 and fight our battles1 and--after dutiful consultation with us--cast our votes4 ,there is no magnanimity in admitting all this4 ,it is the due of that noblest work of ,god1 a strong1 good1 gentle man to receive the concession and to know how frankly we make it4 ,to them as theologians1 logicians1 impartial historians1 as priests1 prophets1 and kings--we do cheerful obeisance1 yet with the look of one who but half hides a happy secret in her heart that compensates for all she resigns4 ,there is not a true-hearted woman alive who would give up her birthright to become--we will say ,christopher ,columbus himself4 ,it must be a fine thing1 though1 to be a man on some accounts2--to be emancipated forever-and-a-day from the thraldom of skirts for instance1 and to push through a crowd to read the interjectional headlines upon a bulletin board1 instead of going meekly and unenlightened home1 to be told by ,john three hours later that a woman's curiosity passes masculine comprehension1 and that he is too tired and hungry to talk4 ,it must be a satisfaction to be able to hit another nail with a hammer than that attached to one's own thumb1 and to hurl a stone from the shoulder instead of tossing it from the wrist2 there must be sublimity in the thrill with which the stroke-oar of the ',varsity's crew bends to his work1 and the ecstasy of the successful crack pitcher of a baseball team passes the descriptive power of a woman's tongue4 ,nevertheless1 the greatest architectural genius who ever astonished the world with a pyramid1 a cathedral1 or a triumphal street-arch1 could never create and keep a ,home4 ,the meanest hut in the ,jersey meadows1 the doorway of which frames in the dusk of evening the figure of a woman with a baby in her arms1 silhouetted upon the red background of fire and lamp kindled to welcome the returning husband and father1 harbors as guest a viewless but incomparable sweet angel that never visits the superb club-house where men go from spirit to spirit in the vain attempt to make home of that which is no home4 ,you write--do you8 snarled ,napoleon ,i1 insolently to the wittiest woman of the ,paris salons4 ,what1 for instance1 have been some of your works since you have been in this country8 ,three children1 sire6 retorted the mother of ,madame ,emile de ,girardin4 ,it was this same ready witted mother whom another woman pronounced the happiest of mortals4 ,she does everything well--children1 books and preserves4 ,her range was wide4 ,comparatively few of her sex can grasp that octave4 ,upon the simplest1 as upon the wisest1 ,heaven has bestowed the talent of home-making1 precious and incommunicable4 ,woman's ,work in the ,home6 ,taking up1 without irreverence1 the magnificent hyperbole of the beloved disciple1 ,i may truly say1 that if they should be written1 every one1 ,i suppose the world itself would not contain the books that would be written4 ,let us touch one or two points very briefly4 ,i have said that men can furnish houses more artistically than we1 and that as professional cooks they surpass us4 ,it should follow naturally that men1 to whose hearts the stomach is the shortest thoroughfare1 would1 in a body1 resort to hotels for daily food4 ,there is but one satisfactory explanation of the unphilosophical fact that the substantial citizen who1 during a domestic interregnum1 makes the experiment of three meals a day for one month at the best restaurant in ,new ,york ,city 7and there are no better anywhere7 returns with gladness and singleness of heart to his own extension-table--and that were ,i to put the question ,contract ,cookery or ,home ,cookery8 to the few ,johns who deign to peruse these lines1 the acclaim would be--,better1 as everyday fare1 is a broiled beefsteak and a mealy potato at home1 than a palatial hotel and ten courses4 ,there is individuality in the steak broiled for ,john's very self1 and sentiment in the pains taken to keep the starch in his potato1 and solid satisfaction in putting one's knees under his own mahogany4 ,the least romantic of gourmands objects to stirring his appetite into a common vat with five hundred others4 ,but there is something back of all this that makes home-fare delicious1 when the house mother smiles across the dish she has sweetened with love and spiced with good-will1 and thus transformed it into a message from her heart to the hearts of the dear ones to whom she ministers4 ,john--being of the masculine gender according to a decree of ,nature1 and1 therefore1 irresponsible for the slow pace at which his wits move--may not be able at once to analyze the odd heartache he feels in surveying the apartments fitted up by the upholsterer--or to tell you why they become no longer a tri-syllabled word1 but our rooms1 within a day after wife and daughters have taken possession of them4 ,the honest fellow cannot see but that the furniture is the same1 and each article standing in the same place--but the new atmosphere which is the old1 greets him upon the threshold1 and steals into his heart before he has fairly entered4 ,anybody could have shaken the stiffness out of that portire1 and put a low1 shaded lamp under the picture he likes best1 and broken up the formal symmetry of the bric-a-brac that reminded him1 although he did not dare confess it1 of a china shop1 and set a slender vaselet with one big ragged golden globe of a chrysanthemum in it here1 and over there a bowl of long-stemmed roses--7his favorite ,bon ,silenes1 too74 ,but what hireling1 ,o blind and dear ,john6 would have left a bit of fancy work with the needle sticking in it1 and scissors lying upon it1 on the table in library or smoking room1 and put the song you always ask for at twilight upon the open piano1 and1 just where you would choose to cast yourself down to listen1 your especial ,sleepy ,hollow of chair or lounge with the slumber robe worked last ,christmas by loving fingers thrown invitingly across it8 ,what professional art could make the vestibule of your house--a rented cottage1 maybe--the gateway to another1 and a purer1 higher1 happier sphere than the world you shut out with the closing of the front door8 ,you would never get upon so much as bowing terms with your better self but for that front door and the latch key which lets you into the hall brightened by loving smiles1 made merry by welcoming voices4 ,talk of the prose of everyday life6 ,when ,poetry is hounded from every other nook of the earth which the ,maker of it meant should be one vast1 sublime epic1 she will find an inviolable retreat under the ,lares and ,penates guarding the ingleside1 and crown as priestess forever the wife and mother who makes and keeps the ,home4 ,it could hardly be otherwise4 ,to no other of his co-workers does the ,lord of life grant such opportunities as to woman4 ,her baby is laid in the mother's arms to have1 and to hold1 and to fashion1 without let or hindrance4 ,his mind and heart are unwritten paper1 and ,nature and ,providence unite in waving aside all who would interfere with what she chooses to inscribe thereupon4 ,her growing boys and girls believe in her with absoluteness no other friend will ever inspire--not in her love alone1 but in her infallibility and her omnipotence4 ,it is a moment of terror and often the turning point in a child's life1 when first he comprehends that there are hurts his mother cannot heal1 knowledge which he needs and she cannot impart4 ,if the boundaries of home seem sometimes to circumscribe a woman's sphere1 they are also a safe barricade within which husband1 and the children who have come to man's estate1 find retreat from the outer storm and stress1 a sanctuary where love feeds the flame upon the domestic altar4 ,there1 the atmosphere1 like that of ,st4 ,peter's ,church1 never changes4 ,it refreshes when the breath of the world is a simoon1 withering heart and strength4 ,when the winds of adversity are bleak1 the shivering wanderer returns to the fold1 curtained and closed and warm-- to gather force for to-morrow's strain4 ,love1 rest and home6 we sing with moistened eyes4 ,the blessed three are put in trust with woman4 ,other stations of honor and usefulness may be opened to her1 but this is the realm of which nothing can dispossess her4 ,the leaven that leavens the nations is wrought by her hands4 ,hers is the seedtime that determines what harvest the ,master shall reap4 ,to her is committed the holy task of preserving all that we can know of a lost paradise until we see the light flash out for our eager eyes from the wide doors of what--when we would draw it nearest and make it dearest to our hearts--we call our ,changeless ,home4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,sisterly ,,discourse ,,with ,,john',s ,,wife ,,concerning ,,john4 ,john is not ,john until he is married4 ,he assumes the sobriquet at the altar as truly as his bride takes the title of ,mistress or ,madame4 ,once taken1 the name is generic1 inalienable and untransferable4 ,yet1 as few men marry until they have attained legal majority1 it follows that your ,john--my ,john--every wife's ,john--must have been in making for a term of years before he fell into our hands4 ,sometimes he is marred in the making4 ,the most loyal wife admits to her inmost self in the most confidential season of self-communion1 that she could have brought up her husband better than his mother or whatever feminine relative had the training of him succeeded in doing4 ,an opinion which1 ,i remark1 is not shared by the relative in question4 ,the mother of a growing son will know how to sympathize with her ,mamma-in-law1 when her own son-- --will a-wooing go1 ,whether his mother will or no4 ,i am ,john's advocate and best friend1 but ,i cannot withhold the admission that he has some grave faults1 and one or two incurable disabilities4 ,grappling1 forthwith1 with the most obstinate of these last--,i name it boldly4 ,john is not--he never can be--and would not be if he could--a woman4 ,taking into consideration the incontrovertible truth that nobody but a woman ever understood another woman--the situation is serious enough4 ,so desperate in fact1 that every mother's daughter of the missionary sex is fired with zealous desire to mend it1 and chooses for a subject her own special ,john--in esse or in posse4 ,this may sound like badinage1 but it is uttered in sad earnest4 ,the wife's irrational longing to extract absolute sympathy of taste1 opinion and feeling1 from her wedded lord1 is a baneful growth which is as sure to spring up about the domestic hearth as pursley--named by the ,indian1 the white man's foot--to show itself about the squatter's door4 ,once rooted it is as hard to eradicate as plantain and red sorrel4 ,i brand it as irrational1 because common sense shows the extreme improbability that two people--born of different stocks1 and brought up in different households--the man1 sometimes1 in no household at all--should each be the exact counterpart of the other2 should come together provided respectively1 with the very qualities1 likes and dislikes1 that the partner needs and prefers4 ,add to the improbability aforesaid the inevitable variance of views upon divers important subjects consequent upon the standpoint masculine and the standpoint feminine1 and the wonder grows--not that some marriages are unhappy1 but that a large percentage of wedded couples jog on comfortably1 and1 if not without jar1 without open scandal4 ,that they do speaks volumes for the wisdom of ,him who ordained marriage as man's best estate--and something--not volumes--perhaps1 but a pamphlet or two--in behalf of human powers of philosophical endurance4 ,before going farther it would be well to look our subject in the face--inspect it fairly and without prejudice pro or con4 ,stand forth1 honest ,john6 and let us behold you1 as ,god made and your mother--in blood1 or in heart--trained you4 ,let the imagination of my readers survey him1 as he plants himself before us4 ,albeit a trifle more conscious than a woman would be in like circumstances1 of the leading fact that he has the full complement of hands and feet usually prescribed by ,nature1 he bears scrutiny bravely4 ,he is what he would denominate in another1 a white man2 square in his dealings with his fellow-men and with a soft place1 on the sunny side of his heart1 for the women4 ,he would add--,god bless them6 did we allow him to speak4 ,men of his sort rarely think of their own womenkind or of pure1 gentle womanhood in the abstract1 without a benediction1 mental or audible4 ,our specimen1 you will note1 as he begins to feel at ease in the honorable pillory to which we have called him--puts his hands into his pockets4 ,the gesture supplies us with the first clause of our illustrated lecture4 ,without his pockets ,john would be a cipher1 and a decimal cipher at that4 ,if some men were not all pocket they would never be ,johns1 for no ,jill would be so demented as to come tumbling after them4 ,i have seen a pocket marry off a hump-back1 a twisted foot and sixty winters' fall of snow upon the head1 while a pocketless ,adonis sighed in vain for ,beauty's glance4 ,a full pocket balances an empty skull as a good heart cannot2 a plethoric pocket overshadows monstrous vices4 ,but at his cleanly best1 ,john's pockets are an integral part of his personality4 ,he feels after his pocket instinctively while yet in what corresponds in the genus homo with the polywog state in batrachia4 ,the incipient man begins to strut as soon as mamma puts pockets into his kilted skirt--a stride as prophetic as the strangled crow of the cockerel upon the lowest bar of the fence4 ,the direst penance ,johnny can know is to have his pockets stitched up because he will keep his hands in them4 ,to deny him the right is to do violence to natural laws4 ,he is the born money-maker1 bread-winner1 provider--the hsbonda of our ,anglo-,saxon ancestry--and the pocket is his heraldic symbol1 his birthright4 ,the pocket question obtrudes itself at an alarmingly early period of married life--whoever may be the moneyed member of the new firm4 ,when1 as most frequently happens1 this is ,john1 the ultra-conscientious may think that he ought1 prior to the wedding-day1 to have hinted to his highland or lowland ,mary1 that he did not intend to throw unlimited gold into her apron every day4 ,if he had touched this verity however remotely1 she would not have married him4 ,the man who speaks the straight-forward truth in such circumstances might as well put a knife to his throat1 if love and life are synonyms4 ,honest ,john1 thrusting his hands well towards the bottom of his pockets1 smiles sheepishly1 yet knowingly1 in listening to this discourse4 ,courtship is one thing and marriage is another in his code4 ,mary's primal mistake is in assuming--7upon ,john's authority1 ,i regret as his advocate to say71 that the two states are one and the same4 ,moonlight vows and noonday action should1 according to her theory1 be in exact harmony4 ,john does not deceive consciously4 ,wemmick's office tenets differed diametrically from those he held at ,walworth where his aged parent toasted the muffins1 and ,miss4 ,skiffins made the tea4 ,the mellow fervency of ,john's ,with all my worldly goods ,i thee endow--must be taken in a ,pickwickian and ,cupidian sense4 ,reason and experience sustain him in the belief that a tyro should learn a business before being put in charge of important interests4 ,mary is a tyro whose abilities and discretion he must test before--in the words of the old song--he gives her the key of his chest1 ,to get the gold at her request4 ,most women take to married and home-life easily1 because naturally4 ,the shadow of the roof-tree1 the wholesome restraint of household routine and the peaceful monotony of household tasks accord well with preconceived ideas and early education4 ,john's liking for domesticity is usually an acquired taste1 like that for olives and caviare1 and to gain aptitude for the duties it involves1 requires patience4 ,he needs filing down and chinking1 and rounding off1 and sand-papering before he fits decorously into the chimney-corner4 ,and when there1 he sometimes does not season straight4 ,he was hewed across the grain1 or the native grain ran awry1 or there is a knot in the wood4 ,why were those newel posts oiled before they were set up8 ,i asked of a carpenter4 ,t' keep'em from checkin'1 to be sure4 ,checking8 ,yes1 ma'am4 ,goin' in shaller cracks all over1 's wood's apt to do without it's properly treated beforehand4 ,sometimes 'twould crack clean through ef 'twarnt for the ile4 ,in his new position ,john is apt to go in shaller cracks all over1 unless his feminine trainer has been judicious in the use of lubricants--assuasive and dissuasive4 ,if handled aright by the owner he1 to do him justice1 rarely cracks clean through4 ,checking in this case signifies the lack of the small1 sweet courtesies which are the peaceable fruits of the ,gospel of ,conventionality4 ,breeding1 good or bad1 environs the growing lad1 as ,wordsworth tells us heaven lies about us in our infancy4 ,the boy whose mother allows him to lounge into her presence with his cap upon his head1 whose sisters wink indulgently at his shirt sleeves in parlor and at table--will don his hat and doff his coat in his wife's sitting-room4 ,politeness1 like gingerbread1 is only excellent when home-made1 and is not to be bought for money4 ,i wonder if ,john--disposed by nature and too often by education to hold such niceties of custom as trifles and cheap--suspects what a blow is dealt to his wife's ideals when he begins to show1 either that he respects her less than of old1 or that he is less truly a gentleman than his careful conservation of elegant proprieties during their courtship led her to imagine4 ,it costs him but a second's thought and slight muscular exertion to lift his hat in kissing her on leaving home in the morning1 and in returning at evening4 ,it ought not to be an effort for him to rise to his feet when she enters the room1 and to comport himself at her table and in her drawing-room as he would at the board and in the parlor of his neighbor's wife4 ,each of these slight civilities elevates her in her own and in others' eyes1 and tends to give her her rightful place as queen of the home and of his heart4 ,she may be maid-of-all-work in a modest establishment1 worn and depressed by over-much drudgery1 but in her husband's eyes she is the equal of any lady in the land4 ,her stove-burned face and print gown do not delude him as to her real position4 ,furthermore--and this hint is directed sidewise at our model--a sense of the incongruity between the fine courtesy of her husband's manner1 and of slovenly attire upon the object of his attentions--would incite her to neatness and becomingness in dress4 ,it is worth while to look well in the eyes of one who never for a moment forgets that he is a gentleman1 and his wife a lady4 ,when ,john finds himself excusing this and that lapse from perfect breeding in his home life with the plea--,it is only my wife6 he needs to look narrowly at his grain and his seasoning4 ,he is in danger of checking4 ,being a man--or ,i would better say--not being a woman--,john is probably made up without domestic tact1 and his wife must be on her guard to cover the deficiency4 ,for example1 if by some mortifying combination of mischances1 a dish is scantily supplied1 he helps it out lavishly1 scrapes the bottom officiously1 and with innocent barbarity calls your attention to the fact that it needs replenishing4 ,i tried once to hold my husband back from the brink of social disaster1 said one wife4 ,we sat opposite to one another at a dinner party where the conversation neared a topic that would be1 ,i knew1 extremely painful and embarrassing to our hostess4 ,my ,john led the talk--all unaware of the peril--and when the next sentence would1 ,i felt1 be fatal1 ,i pressed his foot under the table4 ,what do you think that blessed innocent did8 ,winced visibly and sharply--stopped short in the middle of a word1 and stared at me with pendulous jaw1 and--while everybody looked at him for the next breath--said1 resonantly--',jane6 did you touch my foot8' ,the incident is essentially ,john-esque4 ,i am as positive as if ,i had called for a comparison of experience1 that every wife who reads this could furnish a parallel sketch from life4 ,the average ,john is impervious to glance or gesture4 ,i know one who is a model husband in most respects1 who1 when a danger-signal is hung out from the other end of the table1 draws general attention in diplomatic fashion thus-- ,halloo6 ,i have no idea what ,i have done or said1 now6 but when ,madame gives her three-cornered frown1 ,i know there are reefs ahead1 on the starboard or the larboard side1 and ,i'd better take my soundings4 ,women are experts in this sort of telegraphy4 ,from one of them1 such an expos would mean downright malice1 or mischief1 and be understood as such4 ,john's voiced bewilderment may be harmful1 but it is as guileless as a baby's4 ,it may be true that men are deceivers ever1 in money or love affairs4 ,in everyday home life1 there is about the most sophisticated1 a simplicity of thought and word1 a transparency of motive1 and1 when vanity is played upon cunningly1 a naive gullibility--that move us to wondering admiration4 ,it1 furthermore1 ,i grieve to admit1 furnishes manoeuvring wives with a ready instrument for the accomplishment of their designs4 ,for another fixed fact in the natural history of ,john is that1 however kindly and intelligent and reasonable he may be--he needs1 in double harness1 to be cleverly managed1 to be coaxed and petted up to what else would make him shy4 ,if driven straight at it1 the chances are forty-eight out of fifty that he will balk or bolt4 ,a stock story of my girlish days was of a careless1 happy-go-lucky housewife1 who1 upon the arrival of unexpected guests1 told her maid not to bother about changing the cloth1 but to set plates and dishes so as to humor the spots4 ,she is a thrifty1 not a slovenly manager1 who accommodates the trend of daily affairs to humor her ,john's peculiarities and foibles2 who ploughs around stumps1 and1 instead of breaking the share in tough roots1 eases up1 and goes over them until they decay of themselves4 ,in really good ground they leave the soil the richer for having suffered natural decomposition4 ,if ,john is prone to savagery when hungry 7and he usually is71 our wise wife will wait until he has dined before broaching matters that may ruffle his spirit4 ,it is more than likely that he has the masculine bias toward wet-blanketism that tries sanguine women's souls more sorely than open opposition4 ,some ,johns make it a point of manly duty to discourage at first hearing any plan that has originated with a woman4 ,i am fond of ,john1 but this idiosyncrasy cannot be ignored4 ,nor is it entirely explicable upon any principle known in feminine ethics1 unless it be intended by ,providence as a counterweight to the womanly proclivity to see but one side of a question when we are interested in carrying it to a vote4 ,john is as positive that there are two sides to everything1 as ,columbus was that the ,eastern ,hemisphere must have something to balance it4 ,when ,mary looks to him for instant assent and earnest sympathy1 he casts about for objections1 and sets them in calm array4 ,she may have demonstrated in a thousand instances her ability to judge and act for herself1 and may preface her exposition of the case in hand by saying that she has given it mature deliberation4 ,it never occurred to him until she mentioned it2 he may have sincerest respect for her sense and prudence--the chances are1 nevertheless1 a thousand to one that he will begin his reply with-- ,that is all very well1 my dear--but you must reflect1 that1 etc41 etc41 et cetera--each et cetera a dab of wet wool1 taking out more and more stiffening and color1 until the beautiful project hangs1 a limp rag1 on her hands1 a forlorn wreck over which she could weep in self-pity4 ,this is one of the spots to be humored4 ,wives there are1 and not a few of them1 sagacious and tender1 who have learned the knack of insinuating a scheme upon husbandly attention until the logical spouses find themselves proposing--they believe of their own free will--the very designs born of their partner's brains4 ,this is genius1 and the practical application thereof is an art in itself4 ,it may also be classified for ,john's admonition1 as the natural reaction of ingenious wits against wet-blanketism4 ,the funniest part of the transaction is that ,john never suspects the ruse1 even at the hundredth repetition1 and esteems himself1 in dogged complacency1 the author of his spouse's goodliest ideas4 ,such a one dreads nothing more than the reputation of being ruled by his wife4 ,the more hen-pecked he is1 the less he knows it--and vice vers4 ,he jests at scars who never felt a wound4 ,she who has her ,john well in hand has broken him in too thoroughly to allow him to resent the curb1 or to play with the bit4 ,his intentions--so far as he knows them--are so good1 he tries so steadfastly to please his wife--he is so often piteously perplexed--this big1 burly1 blundering1 blind-folded1 blessd ,john of ours--that our knowledge of his disabilities enwraps him in a mantle of affectionate charity4 ,his efforts to master the delicate intricacy of his darling's mental and spiritual organization may be like the would-be careful hold of thumb and finger upon a butterfly's wing1 but the pain he causes is inconceivable by him4 ,the suspicion of hurt to the beautiful thing would break his heart4 ,he could more easily lie down and die for her than sympathize intelligently in her vague1 delicious dreams1 the aspirations1 half agony1 half rapture1 which she cannot convey to his comprehension--yet which she feels that he ought to share4 ,ah6 the pathos and the pity--sometimes the godlike patience of that silent side of our dear ,john6 ,mrs4 ,whitney1 writing of ,richard ,hathaway1 tells us enough of it to beget in us infinite tolerance4 ,everything takes hold away down where ,i can't reach or help1 says the poor fellow of his sensitive1 poetical wife4 ,she is all the time holding up her soul to me with a thorn in it4 ,he did not know that that was poetry and pathos4 ,it was a natural illustration out of his homely1 gentle1 compassionate life4 ,he knew how to help dumb things in their hurts4 ,his wife he could not help4 ,it reminds us of ,ham ,peggotty's tender adjustment upon his palm of the purse committed to him by ,emily for fallen ,martha4 ',such a toy as it is6' apostrophized ,ham1 thoughtfully1 looking on it4 ',with1 such a little money in it1 ,em'ly1 my dear4' ,we are reminded more strongly of rough1 gray boulders holding in their hearts the warmth of the sunshine for the comfortable growth of mosses that creep over and cling to and beautify them4 ,john is neither saint nor hero1 except in ,mary's fancy sketch of the ,coming ,man4 ,he remonstrates against canonization strenuously--dissent that passes with the idealist for modesty1 and enhances her admiration4 ,she is oftener to blame for the disillusion than he4 ,with the perverseness of feminine nature she construes strength into coarseness of fibre1 slowness into brutal indifference4 ,until women get at the truth in this matter of self-deception1 disappointment surely awaits upon awakening from ,love's young dream4 ,the surest guard against the shock of broken ideals is to keep ever before the mind that men are not to be measured by feminine standards of perfection4 ,mary has as little perception of perspective as a ,chinese landscape painter2 she colors floridly and her drawing is out of line4 ,put ,john in his proper place as regards distances1 shadow and environment1 and survey him in the cool white light of common sense4 ,unless he is a poseur of uncommon skill1 he will appear best thus4 ,conjugal quarrels are so constantly the theme of ridicule and the text of warnings to the unwedded that we lose sight of the plain truth that husbands and wives bicker no more than parents and children1 brothers and sisters4 ,in every community there are more blood-relations who do not speak to one another than divorced couples4 ,wars and fightings come upon us1 not through matrimony so much as through the manifold infirmities of mortal nature4 ,john1 albeit not a woman1 is a vertebrate human being1 with hands1 organs1 dimensions1 senses1 affections1 passions4 ,if you prick him he will bleed1 if you tickle him he will laugh1 if you poison him he will die4 ,in the true marriage1 he is the wife's other self--one lobe of her brain--one ventricle of her heart--the right hand to her left4 ,this is the marriage the ,lord hath made4 ,the occasional clash of opinions1 the passing heat of temper1 are but surface-gusts that do not stir the brooding love of hearts at rest in one another4 ,while ,john remains loyal to his wedded wife1 forsaking all others and cleaving to her alone1 the inventory of his faults should be a sealed book to her closest confidante1 the carping discussion of his failings be prohibited by pride1 affection and right taste4 ,this leads me to offer one last tribute to our patient 7and maybe bored7 subject4 ,he has as a rule1 a nicer sense of honor in the matter of comment upon his wife's shortcomings and foibles than she exhibits with regard to his4 ,set it down to gallantry1 chivalry1 pride--custom--what you will--but the truth sheds a lustre upon our ,john of which ,i mean he shall have the full advantage4 ,perhaps the noblest reticence belongs to the ,silent ,side of him4 ,i hardly think it is because he has no yearning for sympathy1 no need of counsel1 when he reluctantly admits to himself that that upon which he has ventured most is1 in some measure1 a disappointment4 ,be this as it may1 ,mary may learn discretion from him--and the lesson conned should be forbearance with offensive peculiarities1 and1 what she names to her sore spirit1 lack of appreciation4 ,given the conditions of his fidelity and devotion--and she may well down on her knees and thank ,god fasting for a good man's love4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,the ,,family ,,purse4 ,in the last chapter ,i touched1 firmly1 as became the importance of the subject1 upon the pocket question in its bearing upon the happiness of home-life4 ,the matter is too grave to be disposed of in half-a-dozen paragraphs4 ,it shall have a chapter of its very own4 ,there are certain subjects upon which each of us is afraid to speak for fear of losing temper1 and becoming vehement4 ,this matter of ,the ,family ,purse is one of the few topics in all the range of theory and practice1 concerning which ,i feel the necessity of putting on curb and bridle when ,i have to deal with it1 and conscience urges just dealing with all parties4 ,i have set down elsewhere what ,i crave leave to repeat here and with deliberate emphasis4 ,if ,i were asked1 ,what1 to the best of your belief1 is the most prolific and general source of heart-burnings1 contentions1 harsh judgment1 and secret unhappiness among respectable married people who keep up the show1 even to themselves1 of reciprocal affection8 my answer would not halt for an instant4 ,the crying need of a mutual understanding with respect to the right ownership of the family income4 ,the example of the good old ,friend1 who1 in giving his daughters in marriage1 stipulated that each should be paid weekly1 without asking for it1 a certain share of her husband's income1 is refreshing as indicating what one husband had learned by his own experience4 ,it goes no further in the absence of proof that the sons-in-law kept the pledge imposed upon them as suitors1 or that in keeping it1 they did not cause their respective wives to wish themselves dead1 and out of the way of gibe and grudge1 every time the prescribed tax was doled out to them4 ,nor do ,i admit the force of the implication made by a certain writer upon this topic1 that the crookedness in the matter of family finances is separation and hostility between the sexes1 brought about by the advancement and equality of women4 ,wives in all ages and in all countries1 have felt the painful injustice of virtual pauperism1 and struggled vainly for freedom4 ,the growth toward emancipation in the case of most of them amounts merely to the liberty to groan in print and to cry aloud in women's convocations4 ,if the yoke is easier upon the wifely neck in #ahif than it was in #ahdf1 it is because women know more of business methods1 and are more competent to the management of money than they knew fifty years ago1 and some husbands1 appreciating the change for the better1 are willing to commit funds to their keeping4 ,the disposition of fathers1 brothers and husbands to regard the feminine portion of their families as lovely dead weights1 was justified in a degree by the ,lauras and ,matildas1 who clung like wet cotton-wool to the limbs of their natural protectors4 ,dependence was reckoned among womanly graces1 and insisted upon as such in ,letters to ,young ,ladies1 ,the ,young ,wife's ,manual1 ,a ,father's ,legacy to his ,daughters1 and other valuable contributions to the family library of half a century ago4 ,julia1 as betrothed1 assured wooing ,adolphus that absolute dependence1 even for the bread she should eat1 and breath she should draw1 would be delight and privilege4 ,julia1 as wife1 fretted and plained and shook her golden chains inlaid with down1 when married ,adolphus took her at her word4 ,it is surprising that both parties were so slow in finding out how false is the theory and how injurious the practice of the cling-and-twine-and-hang-upon school4 ,from my window as ,i write ,i see an object lesson that pertinently illustrates the actual state of affairs in many a home4 ,at the root of a stately cedar1 sprang up1 twenty years ago1 a shoot of that most hardy and beautiful of native creepers1 the wild woodbine or ,american ivy4 ,it crept steadily upward1 laying hold of branch and twig1 casting out1 first1 tendrils1 then ropes1 to make sure its hold--a thing of beauty all summer1 a coat of many colors in autumn1 until it reached the top of the tree4 ,to-day1 the only vestige of cedar-individuality that remains to sight1 is in the trunk1 the bare branches1 stripped of all slight twigs1 and at the extremity of one of these1 a few tufts of evergreen verdure1 that proclaim ,this was a tree4 ,in the novels and poems that set forth the eternal fitness of the cling-twine-and-depend school1 the vine is always feminine1 the oak 7or cedar87 masculine4 ,not one that ,i know of depicts the gradual strangling of the independent tree by the depending parasite4 ,leaving the object-lesson to do its part1 let us reason together calmly upon this vexed subject4 ,when a man solemnly1 in the sight of ,heaven and human witnesses1 endows his wife at the altar with his worldly goods1 it is either a deed of gift1 or an engagement to allow her to earn her living as honestly as he earns his1 a pledge of an equal partnership in whatever he has or may acquire4 ,that it is not an absolute gift is proved by his continued possession of his property and uncontrolled management of the same2 furthermore1 by his custom of bestowing upon his wife such sums1 and at such periods as best suit his convenience and pleasure--and by his expectation that she will be properly grateful for lodging1 board and raiment4 ,if he be liberal1 her gratitude rises proportionably4 ,if he be a churl1 she must submit with ,christian resignation4 ,the gossips at a noted watering-place where ,i once spent a summer1 found infinite amusement in the ways of a married heiress1 whose fortune was settled so securely upon herself by her father that her husband could not touch the bulk of it with1 or without her consent4 ,her spouse was an ease-loving man of fashion1 and accommodated himself gracefully to this order of things4 ,she loved him better than she loved her money1 for she kept him well and grudged him nothing4 ,it was in accordance with her wishes that he made no pretence of business or profession4 ,why should he when she had enough for both8 she urged1 amiably4 ,his handsome allowance was paid on the first of every month1 and she exacted no account of expenditures4 ,yet she contrived to make him and herself the laughing stock of the place by her nave ignorance of the truth that the situation was peculiar4 ,she sportively rated her lord in the hearing of others1 for extravagance in dress1 horses and other entertainments2 affected to rail at the expense of keeping a husband1 and1 now and then1 playfully threatened to cut off supplies if he did not do this or that4 ,in short1 with unintentional satire1 she copied to the letter the speech and tone of the average husband to his dependent wife4 ,only that and nothing more4 ,her purse-pride was obvious1 but as inoffensive as purse-pride can be4 ,she lacked refinement1 but she did not lack heart4 ,she would have resented the imputation that she reduced her good-looking1 well-clothed1 well-fed1 well-mounted ,charley to a state of vassalage against which any man of spirit would have rebelled4 ,he knew that he could have whatever it was within her power to bestow1 to the half of her kingdom4 ,her complaints of his prodigality meant as little as her menace of retrenchment1 and nobody comprehended this better than he4 ,the owner of the money-bags is entitled by popular verdict to his or her jest4 ,her pretended railing was clear fun4 ,the deeper and juster significance of the much derided clause of the marriage vow is the second ,i have offered4 ,live and let live is a motto that should begin1 continue and be best exemplified at home4 ,the wife either earns an honorable livelihood1 or she is a licensed mendicant4 ,the man who1 after a careful estimate of the services rendered by her who keeps the house1 manages his servants1 or does the work of the servants he does not hire2 who bears and brings up his children in comfort1 respectability and happiness2 who looks after his clothing and theirs2 nurses him and them in illness1 and makes the world lovely for him in health--does not consider that his wife has paid her way thus far1 and is richly entitled to all he has given or will ever give her--is not fit to conduct any business upon business principles4 ,if he be sensible and candid1 let him decide what salary he can afford to pay this most useful of his employs--and pay it as a debt1 and not a gratuity4 ,the probability is that he will find that the sum justifies her in regarding herself as a partner in his craft or profession1 with a fair amount of working-capital4 ,there is but one equitable and comfortable way of relieving the husband from the charge and the fact of injustice1 and the wife from the sorer burden of conscious pauperism4 ,she ought to have a stated allowance for household expenses1 to be disbursed by herself and1 if he will it1 to be accounted for to the master of the house1 and a smaller1 but sure sum which is paid to her as her very own1 which she may appropriate as she likes4 ,he should no more give her money1 than he makes a present of his weekly wages to the porter who sweeps his store1 or to the superintendent of his factory4 ,the feeling that their gloves1 gowns1 underclothing--everything that they wear1 and the very bread that keeps life in their bodies1 are gifts of grace from the husbands they serve in love and honor1 has worn hundreds of spirited women into their graves1 and made venal hypocrites of thousands4 ,the double-eagle laid in the palm of the woman whose home duties leave her no time for money-making1 burns sometimes more hotly than the penny given to her who1 for the first time1 begs at the street-corner to keep herself from starving4 ,the strangest of anomalies that have birth in a condition of affairs which everybody has come to regard as altogether right and becoming1 is that the wife whose handsome wedding portion has been absorbed by her husband's business is as dependent upon his favor for her keep as she who brought no dot4 ,she does not even draw interest upon the money invested4 ,is it to be wondered at that caustic critics of human nature and inconsistencies catalogue marriage for the wife under the head of mendicancy8 ,would it not be phenomenal if women with eyes1 and with brains behind the eyes1 did not gird at the necessity of suing humbly for really what belongs to them8 ,i have known two1 or at most three women1 who averred that they did not mind asking their husbands for money4 ,out of simple charity ,i preferred to believe that they were untruthful1 to discounting their disrespect and delicacy to the extent implied by the assertion4 ,yet the street beggar gets used to plying his trade1 and ,i may have been mistaken4 ,let us not overlook another side of the question under perplexed debate4 ,the woman who considers herself defrauded by present privations and what seem to her needless economies1 loses sight1 sometimes1 of what ,john keeps before him as the load-star of his existence and endeavor2 to wit1 that toil and economy are for the common weal4 ,he is not a miser for his individual enrichment1 nor does he plan with deliberate design for the shadowy second wife4 ,it is not to be denied that ,no4 #b often lives like a queen upon the wealth which ,no4 #a helped to accumulate1 and killed herself in so doing4 ,but ,john does not look so far as this4 ,much scrimping and hoarding may engender a baser love of money for money's self4 ,in the outset of the task1 and usually for all time1 he means that wife and children shall have the full benefit of what he has heaped up in the confident belief that he knows who will gather with him4 ,men take longer views in these matters than women4 ,to draw money out of the business is a form of speech to a majority of wives4 ,to him whose household expenses overrun what he considers the bounds of reason1 this drawing means harder work and to less purpose for months to come2 clipped wings of enterprise1 and occasionally loss of credit4 ,he who has married a reasonably intelligent woman cannot make her comprehend this too soon4 ,if he can enlist her sympathies in his plans for earning independence and wealth1 he has secured a valuable coadjutor4 ,if he can show her that he is investing certain moneys which are due to her in ways approved by her1 which will augment her private fortune1 he will retain her confidence with her respect4 ,each of us likes to own something in his or her own right4 ,the custom and prejudice that1 since the abolition of slavery1 make wives the solitary exception to the rule that the laborer is worthy of his hire1 are unworthy of a progressive age4 ,the idea that such having and holding will alienate a good woman from the husband who permits it1 degrades the sex4 ,he whose manliness suffers by comparison with a level-headed1 clear-eyed wife capable of keeping her own bank account1 makes apparent what a mistake she made when she married him4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,the ,,parable ,,of ,,the ,,rich ,,woman ,,and ,,the ,,farmer',s ,,wife4 ,the rich woman was born and brought up in ,new ,york ,city2 the farmer's wife in ,indiana4 ,they were as far apart in education and social station as if they had belonged to different races and had lived in different hemispheres4 ,they were as near akin in circumstances and in suffering as if they had been twin sisters1 and brought up under the same roof4 ,the husband of one wrote ,honorable before his name1 and reckoned his dollars by the million4 ,he was1 moreover1 a man of imposing deportment1 bland in manner and ornate in language4 ,as riches increased he set his heart upon them and upon the good things that riches buy4 ,he had four children1 and he erected 7built was too small a word7 a palatial house in a fashionable street4 ,each child had a suite of three rooms4 ,each apartment was elaborately decorated and furnished4 ,the drawing-rooms were crowded with bric-a-brac and monuments of the upholsterer's ingenuity4 ,it was a work of art and peril to dust them every day4 ,he developed a taste for entertaining as time went on and honors thickened upon him1 and he mistook1 like most of his guild1 ostentation for hospitality4 ,every dish at the banquets for which he became famous was a show piece4 ,he swelled with honest pride in the perusal of a popular personal paragraph estimating the value of his silver and cut glass at #ej1jjj4 ,the superintendent1 part owner1 and the slave of all this magnificence was his wife4 ,she was her own housekeeper1 and employed1 besides the coachman1 whose business was in the stables and upon his box1 five servants4 ,there were twenty-five rooms in the palatial house1 giving to each servant five to be kept in the spick-and-span array demanded by the master's position and taste4 ,as a matter of course something was neglected in every department1 the instinct of self-preservation being innate and cultivated in ,abigail1 ,phyllis and ,gretchen1 ,jeems and ,chawls4 ,even more as a matter of course1 the nominal mistress supplemented the deficiencies of her aids4 ,the house was as present and forceful a consciousness with her as his ,dulcinea with ,david ,copperfield at the period when the sun shone ,dora1 and the birds sang ,dora1 and the south wind blew ,dora1 and the wild flowers were all ,doras to a bud4 ,no snail ever carried her abode upon her back more constantly than our poor rich woman the satin-lined1 hot-aired and plate-windowed stone pile1 with her4 ,the lines that criss-crossed her forehead1 and channeled her cheeks1 and ran downward from the corners of her mouth1 were hieroglyphics standing in the eyes of the initiated for the baleful legend-- ,,house ,,and ,,housekeeping4 ,when she drove abroad in her luxurious chariot1 behind high-stepping bays1 jingling with plated harness1 or repaired in the season to seashore or mountain1 she was striving feebly to push away the tons of splendid responsibility from her brain4 ,one day she gave over the futile attempt4 ,something crashed down upon and all around her1 and everything except inconceivable misery of soul was a blank4 ,expensive doctors diagnosed her case as nervous prostration4 ,when she vanished from the eyes of her public1 and a high-salaried housekeeper1 a butler1 a nursery governess and an extra ,abigail took her place and did half her work in the satin-lined shell out of which she had crept1 maimed and well-nigh murdered1 it was announced that she was under the care of a specialist at a retreat4 ,a retreat6 ,heaven save and pardon us for making such homes part and parcel and a necessity of our century and our land6 ,our ,rich ,man's ,wife never left it until she was borne forth into the securer refuge of the narrow house that needed none of her care-taking4 ,upon the low green thatch lies heavily the shadow of a mighty monument that1 to the satirist's eye1 has a family likeness to the stone pile which killed her4 ,the ,farmer's ,wife was born and bred among the prairies1 out of sight of which she had traveled but once1 and that on her wedding journey4 ,she came back from the brief outing to take possession of her own house--prideful phrase to every young matron4 ,it was an eight-roomed farmstead1 with no modern conveniences4 ,that meant1 that all the water used in the kitchen and dwelling had to be fetched from a well twenty feet away2 that there was no drain or sink or furnace2 that stationary tubs had not been heard of1 and the washing was wrung by hand4 ,the stalwart farmer calculated to hire in haying1 harvesting1 planting1 plowing1 threshing and killing times4 ,whatever might have been the wife's calculations1 she toiled unaided1 cooking1 washing1 ironing1 scrubbing1 sewing1 churning1 butter-making and bringing up a family1 single-handed1 with never a creature to lift an ounce or do a stroke for her while she could stand upon her feet4 ,when she was laid upon her bed--an unusual occurrence1 except when there was a fresh baby--a neighbor looked in twice a day to lend a hand1 or ,mrs4 ,gamp was engaged for a fortnight4 ,it was not an unusual occurrence for the nominally convalescent mother to get dinner for six men folks with a three-weeks old baby upon her left arm4 ,her husband was energetic and forehanded1 and without the slightest approach to intentional cruelty1 looked to his wife to keep up her end of the log4 ,he tolerated no wastefulness1 and expected to be well fed and comfortable2 and comfort with this ,yankee mother's son implied tidiness4 ,to meet his view1 as well as to satisfy her own conscience1 his partner became a model manager1 a woman of faculty4 ,i saw her last year in the incurable ward of a madhouse4 ,from sunrise until dark1 except when forced to take her meals1 she stood at one window and polished one pane with her apron1 a plait like a trench between her puckered brows1 her mouth pursed into an anguished knot1 her hollow eyes drearily anxious--the saddest picture ,i ever beheld1 most awfully sad because she was a type of a class4 ,some men--and they are not all ignorant men--are beginning to be alarmed at the press of women into other--,i had almost said any other--avenues of labor than that of housewifery4 ,eagerness to break up housekeeping and try boarding for a while1 in order to get rested out1 is not confined to the incompetent and the indolent4 ,nor is it altogether the result of the national discontent with the greatest plague of life--servants4 ,american women1 from high to low1 keep house too hard because too ambitiously4 ,it is1 furthermore1 ambition without knowledge2 hence1 misdirected4 ,we have the most indifferent domestic service in the world1 but we employ1 as a rule1 too few servants1 such as they are4 ,it is considered altogether sensible and becoming for the mechanic's wife to do her own housework as a bride and as a matron of years4 ,unless her husband prospers rapidly she is accounted shiftless should she hire a washerwoman1 while to keep a girl is extravagance1 or a significant stride toward gentility4 ,the wife of the ,english joiner or mason or small farmer1 if brisk1 notable and healthy1 may dispense with the stated service of a maid of all work1 but she calls in a charwoman on certain days1 and is content to live as becomes the station of a housewife who must be her own domestic staff4 ,here is the root of the difference4 ,in a climate that keeps the pulses in full leap and the nerves tense1 we call upon pride to lash on the quivering body and spirit to run the unrighteous race1 the goal of which is to seem richer than we are1 and make smartness 7,american smartness7 cover the want of capital4 ,having created false standards of respectability1 we crowd insane asylums and cemeteries in trying to live up to them4 ,the tradesman who begins to acknowledge the probability that he will become a rich citizen1 and whose wife has feelings on the subject of living as her neighbors do1 takes the conventional step toward asserting himself and gratifying her aspirations by moving into a bigger house than that which has satisfied him up to now1 and furnishing it well--that is1 smartly1 according to the ,english acceptance of the word4 ,silks and moquette harmonize as well as calico and ingrain once did4 ,a three-story-and-a-half-with-a-high-stoop house1 without a piano in the back parlor1 and a long mirror between the front parlor windows1 would be a forlorn contradiction of the genius of ,american progress4 ,as flat a denial would be the endeavor to live without what an old lady once described to me as1 a pair of parlors4 ,the stereotyped brace is senseless and ugly1 but one of the necessaries of life to our ambitious housewife4 ,she would scout as vulgar the homely cheerfulness of the middle-class ,englishman's single parlor where the table is spread and the family receives visitors4 ,having saddled himself with a house too big for his family1 and stocked the showrooms with plenishings so fine that the family are afraid to use them unless when there is company1 the prudent citizen satisfies the economic side of him by making menials of wife and daughters without thought of the opposing circumstance that he has practically endorsed their intention to make fine ladies of themselves4 ,neither he nor the chief slave of her own gentility1 the wife1 who will maintain her reputation for faculty or perish in the attempt1 has a suspicion that the strain to make meet the ends of frugality and pretension1 is palpably and criminally absurd4 ,by keeping up a certain appearance of affluence and fashion1 they assume the obligation to employ servants enough to carry out the design1 yet in nine hundred and ninety-nine times out of every thousand1 they ignore the duty4 ,i admit without demur that1 as ,american domestics go1 they are a burden1 an expense and a vexation4 ,notwithstanding all these drawbacks1 she who will not risk them should not live in such a way that she must make use of such instruments or overwork herself physically and mentally4 ,the entire social and domestic system of ,american communities calls loudly for the reform of simplicity and congruity4 ,we begin to build and are not able to finish4 ,our economics are false and mischievous1 our aims are petty and low4 ,the web of our daily living is not round and even-threaded4 ,the homes which are constructed upon the foundations of deranged1 dying and dead women1 are a mockery of the holy name4 ,our houses should be planned and kept for those who are to live in them1 not for those who tarry within the doors for a night or an hour4 ,when housekeeping becomes an intolerable care there is sin somewhere and danger everywhere4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,little ,,things ,,that ,,are ,,trifles4 ,i feel that in writing a chapter upon ways and means ,i may seem to many readers to be going over an oft-traversed road4 ,of articles and treatises on the ever-vexing subject there is no end4 ,the whole human creation or1 at all events1 a vast majority of it1 groaneth and travaileth together in the agony of trying to spread a little substance over a vast surface1--in the desperate endeavor to make a little money go a very long way4 ,every few months we notice in a daily newspaper the offer of a money-prize for the best bill of fare for a company-dinner for six people1 to be prepared upon a ludicrously-small allowance4 ,the number of contestants for this prize proves1 not only the general interest felt in the subject1 but also testifies to the urgent need of the reward on the part of the various would-be winners4 ,the probabilities are that few of these writers have the means to set forth such a dinner as they describe4 ,books portraying the feasibility of ,comfortable living on seven hundred a year1 or ,how to keep house on a restricted income1 are both helpful and pernicious4 ,the prospective housewife buys them eagerly and devours them with avidity4 ,she and ,john are boarding now1 but are soon to have a home of their own1 and after perusing their newly purchased volumes1 they decide that their limited income will amply enable them to live in comfort although1 perhaps1 not in luxury4 ,the tiny house or flat is rented1 and they settle down1 as ,mrs4 ,whitney's ,emery ,anne would say1 to realize their geography1 or1 more properly speaking1 to live their recently acquired knowledge1 which is1 in many points1 very useful4 ,but--and here comes the mischief wrought by over-sanguine literature--the authors of these books leave too many things out of the question4 ,the expenses of moving and the purchase of necessary furniture are1 of course1 omitted1 but ,mary finds to her chagrin that fuel--no slight item in any family1--and light1--also absolutely essential1--have not been taken into account4 ,these make a big hole in the income which had seemed all-sufficient4 ,it is expedient1 also1 occasionally1 to have a woman in to do a day's cleaning1 and the weekly wash is a bugbear which makes our young people shudder4 ,the poor little housewife has many an anxious1 tearful hour in striving to make both ends meet1 while the most amiable husband cannot help wondering audibly how it is they cannot live as cheaply as other people do4 ,in housekeeping1 as in all else1 one must learn the lesson for one's self4 ,all the rules and theories in all the books and periodicals in the country are worth little compared with three months of personal experience4 ,happy is the young wife who has had some practice in housekeeping in her father's house before the heavier responsibility of a home of her own rests on her shoulders4 ,let me remind our ,mary1 first of all1 of the truth that there is no meanness in economy1 and that--as ,i cannot repeat too often or too strongly--waste is vulgar4 ,it is not the lady who scorns to save scraps of butter1 who throws the few cold boiled potatoes left from dinner into the ash-barrel1 and empties the teaspoonful of cream from the bottom of the pitcher into the kitchen sink4 ,your servant will not have the brains and foresight to detect in these seemingly useless articles factors which may aid materially in the construction of a delicacy1 or help out to-morrow's breakfast or lunch4 ,it is amazing to the mistress who is her own cook how long things last and how far they go4 ,all the interest which a hired cook may take in her work does not impart the peculiar care which one feels for that which is one's own4 ,in this point the woman without a domestic has the advantage over the woman with a servant1 and she with one maid-of-all-work is better off than she who keeps two4 ,every extra mouth counts1 and the waste caused by each added ,bridget or ,gretchen is incalculable4 ,the only redress which the housekeeper with a servant has1 is constant vigilance and personal supervision1 and even then she is the loser4 ,at the ,south the servants are used to having provisions kept under lock and key4 ,each day the mistress deals out the requisite flour1 butter1 eggs1 etc41 and the cook is perfectly satisfied4 ,were a ,northern housekeeper to adopt this system she would soon have the misery of engaging new servants4 ,the ,irish and ,germans among us are not accustomed to such restrictions1 and will not tolerate them4 ,to utilize the little left-overs1 then1 ,mary must make up her mind to do much of her own cooking4 ,if she has a servant in the kitchen1 she may frequently so exchange work with her that the preparation of dainty dishes will fall to her share4 ,norah may sweep the parlor1 wipe up the hall floor1 or wash the windows while her mistress is attending to cooking too delicate for the domestic's fingers4 ,the servant may do what ,i call the heavy kitchen-work1 such as preparing vegetables for cooking1 chopping meat1 peeling potatoes1 etc41 and she should always be allowed to wash pots1 pans and kettles1 after the cooking is done4 ,but if the mistress will spend half an hour in the kitchen before each meal1 ,john will soon discover that his food has a delicacy of flavor and is served with a daintiness imparted only by a professional ,french cook1--or a lady4 ,another of the petty economies which is not belittling is the washing of one's own dining-room dishes4 ,the money saved by this process is easily understood by the housewife whose cut-glass and egg-shell china are continually smashed to fragments by the hirelings whose own the fragiles are not4 ,the china bill for one year of the woman with many servants assumes proportions so huge that she is actually afraid to let herself consider its enormity4 ,and there are still more things broken of which she is never told until the day comes when this or that article is needed1 and the answer to inquiry is3 ,an' sure ma'am1 such a thing aint niver been in this house sence iver ,i come into it4 ,and as there is no way of proving the falsity of this statement1 one must submit4 ,as ,i have said before1 dish-washing1 as done by a lady1 takes little time and labor1 and may be a pleasant occupation4 ,the laborer1 not the labor1 makes a thing common or refined4 ,with an abundance of scalding hot water1 a soap-shaker1 mop1 gloves with the tips cut off1 clean and soft dish-towels1 and delicate glass and china1 dish-washing is in every sense of the word a lady's work4 ,the mistress will do it in one-third of the time1 with five times the thoroughness1 and one-tenth as many breakages as will the average servant4 ,and when the dishes are washed and the table is spread for the next meal with pure linen1 glistening glass and shining silver--who dares say that the glow of housewifely pride and satisfaction does not more than compensate for the little time and trouble expended to produce the agreeable result8 ,i have said that every additional mouth counts in the sum of family expenses1 and for this reason many housekeepers of moderate means neglect the duty of hospitality4 ,pardon me if ,i say that ,i think this is one of the economies which1 if carried too far1 is more honored in the breach than in the observance4 ,i do not advocate1 indeed ,i reprehend1 pretentious entertaining1 such as dances1 parties1 etc4 ,but it impresses me that it is1 to a certain extent1 a mean spirit that counts the cost in asking a friend to stay to a repast1 to spend a night or a week4 ,it is your duty to have things so nice every day1 and always1 that you cannot be too much put out by an occasional guest4 ,when you invite your friend to make you a visit1 explain that you live quietly1 and that he will find a warm welcome4 ,then give him just what you give ,john1 and make no apologies4 ,above all1 do not let him feel that any additional labor caused by his presence throws the whole course of the household machinery out of gear4 ,do not invite to your home those for whom you have to make so great a change in your daily life4 ,if you keep house as a lady should1 you need not fear to entertain anyone who is worthy to be your friend4 ,it is no disgrace if your circumstances are such that you cannot afford to keep a staff of servants at your beck and call4 ,these suggestions are but hints as to daily management4 ,first and foremost1 ,mary must learn to systematize her work4 ,method and management do wonders toward saving time and money4 ,some housewives are always in a hurry and their work is never done1 while others with twice as much to do never seem flurried1 and have time for writing1 sewing and reading4 ,the secret of the success of the latter class lies in that one golden word--,,method4 ,i hope the young housekeepers to whom this talk is addressed will not consider such trifles as ,i have mentioned1 degrading4 ,it is the work laid before them and consequently cannot be mean4 ,such labor1 when sweetened by the thought of what it all means1 is ennobling4 ,i know that ,keats tells us that3 ,love in a hut with water and a crust1 ,is--,love forgive us6--cinders1 ashes1 dust6 ,if ,love were really there1 cinders1 ashes1 dust could not be1 and the water and crust may1 by our ,mary's skillful treatment1 be transformed into a refreshing beverage and an appetizing entre4 ,my faith in the powers of ,john's wife is great1 and if ,john be satisfied1 and tells her that he has the best little love-mate and housekeeper in the world1 can she complain8 ,,chapter ,v4 ,a ,,mistake ,,on ,,john',s ,,part4 ,it is not discreditable to the sex to assert that a man is first attracted marriage-ward by the desire of the eye4 ,he falls in love1 as a rule1 because she who presently becomes the only woman in the universe to him is goodly to view1 if not actually beautiful4 ,goodliness being largely contingent upon apparel1 it follows that ,mary dresses for ,john--up to the marriage-day4 ,he who descries signs of slatternliness in his beloved prior to that date1 may well be shocked to disillusionment4 ,as a girl in a home where the mother takes upon herself the heaviest work1 and spares her pretty daughter's hands and clothes all the soil and wear she can avert1 ,mary must be indolent or phenomenally indifferent to what occupies so much of other women's thoughts1 if she do not always appear in her lover's presence neatly and--to the best of her ability--becomingly attired4 ,she quickly acquaints herself with his taste in the matter of women's costumes1 and adapts hers to it1 wearing his favorite colors1 giving preference to the gowns he has praised1 and arranging her hair in the fashion he has chanced to admire in her hearing4 ,in the work-a-day world of matrimonial life1 much of all this undergoes a change4 ,washington ,irving lived and died a fastidious1 unpractical bachelor1 or he might have modified the sketch of ,the ,wife1 the ,mary who1 after unpacking trunks1 washing china1 pots and kettles1 putting closets to rights1 laying carpets1 hanging pictures1 clearing away straw1 sawdust1 and what in that day corresponded with jute--dusting and shelving books--and performing the hundred other duties contingent upon sitting down in the modest cottage hired by her bankrupt husband1--got tea ready 7presumably preparing potatoes for the same7 picked a big mess of strawberries from a bed opportunely discovered in the garden1 donned a white muslin robe and sat down to the piano to while away a lagging hour while awaiting her ,leslie's return4 ,the ,john of our common-sensible age knows in his sober mind that his bride1 in the effort to accomplish one-fourth as much1 would equip herself in a brown gingham1 tie a big apron before her1 draw a pair of his discarded gloves with truncated fingers upon her hands1 and be too tired at night to do more than boil the kettle for the cup of tea which he is more than likely to drink at the kitchen table1 spread with a newspaper--the linen not having been yet dug out of the case in which mother and the girls packed it4 ,as the months wear on1 ,mary learns1 if her spouse does not1 that white muslin comes to grief so speedily in the course of even light housework1 as to swell the laundry bills inordinately4 ,the embroidered tea-gowns in which she used to array herself upon the rare occasions of her betrothed's morning calls1 gather dust streaks upon skirts and the under sides of the sleeves1 and1 watch as she may1 catch spots in the kitchen4 ,she considers1--being lovingly determined to help1 not hinder her mate1--that his purse must purchase new garments when her trousseau is worn out1 and she saves her best clothes for occasions4 ,john1 being her husband1 is no longer an occasion4 ,dark prints and ginghams1 simply made1 and freshened up at meal-times by full white aprons1 are serviceable1 sensible1 economical and significant of our dear ,mary's practical wisdom4 ,they are by so many degrees less becoming to her than the dainty apparel of loverly memory1 that we do not wonder at the surprised discontent of the young husband4 ,marriage has made no distinct change in his apparel4 ,in his business a man must be decent1 or he loses credit4 ,in masculine ignorance of the immutable law that in dislodging dirt some must cling to the garments and person of the toiler1 he sets down his wife's altered appearance to indifference to his happiness4 ,she may have labored from an early breakfast to a late dinner to make his home comfortable and tasteful2 into each of the dishes served up with secret pride for his consumption1 may have gone a wealth of love and earnest desire that would have set up ten poets in sonnets and madrigals4 ,because her hands are roughened and her complexion muddied by her work1 and--in the knowledge that dishes are to be washed and the table re-set for breakfast1 and the kitchen cleared up after he has been regaled--she has slipped on a dark frock in which she was wont to receive him on rainy evenings--he falls into a brown and cynical study1 which dishonors his wife only a little more than it disgraces himself and human nature4 ,time was--so runs his musing--when she thought it worth her while to take pains to look pretty4 ,that was when there was still a chance of a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip4 ,she has me fast now1 and anything is good enough for a husband4 ,not one syllable of this chapter is penned for the woman who deserves an iota of censure like the above4 ,it is a wife's duty to study to look well in her husband's eyes1 always and in all circumstances4 ,her person should be scrupulously clean1 her hair becomingly arranged1 her working-gown as neat as she can keep it1 and relieved before ,john comes in by clean collar or ruching and a smooth white apron4 ,it is altogether possible for the woman who does her own work to be as well set-up--to borrow a sporting phrase from ,john--as her rich neighbor who can drag a train over ,oriental rugs from the moment she rises to a late breakfast until she sweeps yards of brocade and velvet up the polished stairs after ball1 dinner or theatre-party4 ,what ,i have to do with now is ,john's unreasonable desire that his wife should--as the help-meet of a man who has his own way to make in the world--dress as well as when she was the unmarried daughter of an elderly gentleman whose way was made4 ,every sensible girl married to a poor man comprehends1 as one trait of wifely duty1 that she must make her trousseau last and look well as long as she can4 ,in the honorable dread of suggesting to him whose fortune she has elected to share1 that when her handsome gowns are no longer wearable she must replace lace with cotton lawns1 and silk with all-wool merino or serge1 she devises excuses for sparing the costly fabrics--pretexts which1 to his shame it is said1 he is prone to misunderstand4 ,if men such as he could guess at the repressed longings for the brave array of other times that assail the wearers of well-saved--therefore passee--finery1 at sight of other women less conscientious1 or with richer husbands than themselves1 reveling in the latest and most enticing modes--if eyes scornful of plain attire could penetrate to the jealously locked closet where feminine vanity and native extravagance are kept under watch and ward by the love the critic is ready to doubt1--print1 gingham and stuff gowns would be fairer than ermine and velvet in ,john's esteem4 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,chink-,,fillers4 ,at a recent conference of practical housewives and mothers held in a western city1 one of the leaders told1 as illustrative of the topic under discussion1 an incident of her childhood4 ,when a little girl of seven years1 she stood by her father1 looking at a new log-cabin4 ,papa1 she observed1 it is all finished1 isn't it8 ,no1 my daughter1 look again6 ,the child studied the structure before her4 ,the neatly hewed logs were in their proper places4 ,the roof1 and the rough chimney1 were complete1 but1 on close scrutiny1 one could see the daylight filtering through the interstices of the logs4 ,it had yet to be chinked4 ,when this anecdote was ended1 a bright little woman arose and returned her thanks for the story1 for1 she said1 she had come to the conclusion that she was one of the persons who had been put in the world to fill up the chinks4 ,the chink-fillers are among the most useful members of society4 ,the fact is patent of the founder of one of our great educational systems1 that he grasped large plans and theories1 but had no talent for minuti4 ,what would his majestic outlines be without the army of workers who1 with a just comprehension of the importance of detail1 fill in the chinks in the vast enterprise8 ,putty may be a mean1 cheap article1 far inferior to the clear1 transparent crystal pane1 but what would become of the costly plate-glass were there no putty to fill in the grooves in which it rests1 and to secure it against shocks8 ,the universal cry of the woman of the present to the effect that the sex has a mighty mission to accomplish1 sounds a note of woe to her who1 try as she may1 can find no one occupation in which she excels and who feels that her only sphere in life is to go through the world doing the little things left undone by people with ,missions4 ,does it ever occur to the self-named commonplace woman that her heaven-appointed task is as high a mission as any that may be taken up by her more gifted sisters8 ,it requires vast patience and much love for one's fellow-man to be a chink-filler4 ,she it is who1 as wife1 mother1 sister1 or1 perhaps1 maiden-aunt1 picks up the hat or gloves ,mamie has carelessly left on the drawing-room table1 wipes the tiny finger smears from the window-panes at which baby stood to wave his hand to papa this morning1 dusts the rungs of the chair neglected by the parlor-maid1 and mends the ripped coat which ,johnny forgot to mention until it was nearly time to start for school4 ,it is she who thinks to pull the basting-threads out of the newly finished gown1 tacks ruching in neck and sleeves against the time when daughter or sister may want it in a hurry1 remembers to prepare some dainty for that member of the household who is not quite up to the mark in appetite--in fact1 undertakes those tasks1 so many of which show for little when done1 but which are painfully conspicuous when neglected4 ,does she bewail herself that her sphere is small--limited8 ,let her pause and consider how it would affect the family were the hat and gloves to be out of place1 the chair undusted1 the blurred window-glass overlooked1 the coat unmended1 the bastings allowed to stand in all their hideous white prominence1 the invalid's appetite untempted4 ,like a good spirit1 our chink-filler glides in and out among the fallen threads in the tangled web of life1 picking up dropped stitches1 fastening loose strands1 and weaving the tissue into a harmonious whole1 and yet doing it all so unobtrusively that the great weavers1 looking only at the vast pattern they are forming1 are unconscious that1 but for the unselfish thought and deft fingers of the commonplace woman1 their work would be a grand failure4 ,sometime the children whose shortcomings she has supplemented and thus saved from harsh reproof1 the servants whose tasks she has made lighter1 the husbands and wives1 fathers and mothers1 for whom she has made life smoother1 and brighter1 will arise and call her blessed4 ,it may not be in this life1 but it will surely come to pass in the world that sets this right4 ,she doth little kindnesses ,which most leave undone or despise2 ,for naught that sets one heart at ease1 ,or giveth happiness or peace1 ,is low-esteemd in her eyes4 ,few people appreciate the dignity of detail1 although1 from the days of our childhood1 we have heard rhymes1 verses and proverbs innumerable which aim to impress mankind with the importance of the horse-shoe nail1 of the rift in the lute1 and the tiny worm-hole in the vessel through which the watery tide entered4 ,the wife and mother1 more than any other1 knows what a great part of life is made up of the little things1 such as3-- ,sewing on the buttons1 ,overseeing rations2 ,soothing with a kind word ,guiding clumsy ,bridgets1 ,coaxing sullen cooks1 ,entertaining company1 ,and reading recent books2 ,woman's work6 ,strange as it may seem1 the mind of the hireling cannot grasp the importance of the lesser tasks that go to make up the sum of existence4 ,if you allow ,bridget to prepare your guest chamber for an unexpected friend1 you will observe that she glories in ,rembrandt-like effects1--which1 when viewed at a distance1 assume a respectable appearance4 ,you1 with brains back of your hands1 will notice that there is a tiny hole in the counterpane1 dust under the table1 and--above all--that the soap-dish is not clean4 ,your servant may do the rough work2 the dainty1 lady-like touch must be given by you4 ,you have an experienced waitress1 and a jewel1 if the dining-room and table are perfect without your supervision4 ,it may be only that a teacup or plate is sticky or rough to the touch1 a fork or a knife needed1 the steel or one of the carvers forgotten4 ,but when the family is assembled at the board1 these trifles cause awkward pauses and interruptions4 ,other little cares are to ascertain that the water with which the tea is made is boiling1 that the alcohol lamp is filled1 the flies brushed from the room1 the plates warmed1 and the sugar-dishes and salt-cellars filled4 ,one housekeeper says that attention to these duties always reminds her of the task of washing one's face4 ,nobody notices if you keep your face clean1 and you get no credit for doing it1 but if you did not wash it1 all the world would remark upon the dirt4 ,often the work which doesn't show takes most time1 and tries the temper4 ,and the hardest part of it all is that it is so frequently caused by others' laziness or delinquencies4 ,if ,john would only use an ash-receiver1 instead of strewing the veranda-floor with ashes and burnt matches2 if he would just think to close the library blinds when he has finished looking for a missing book1 instead of allowing the hot sunshine and flies to enter at their own sweet will1 until1 two hours after his departure for the office1 you descend to the apartment which you had already dusted and darkened1 and find it filled with heat and buzz6 ,if that big boy of yours could remember to strip the covers from his bed when he arises and if your pretty daughter could cultivate her bump of order sufficiently to refrain from leaving a hat of some description in every room on the first floor1 and her jacket on the banisters6 ,nobody but yourself knows how many precious minutes you expend in righting these wrongs caused by others' carelessness4 ,john would advise grandly that you ,let ,bridget attend to these matters4 ,why keep a dog and do your own barking8 ,if he is particularly sympathetic and generous1 he will inform you seriously that your time is too precious to spend on beggarly trifles1 and that if one servant cannot do the work of the establishment1 he wants you to hire another4 ,perhaps you ungratefully retort that it will only make one more for you to follow up and supplement4 ,it would be an excellent plan for each member of the household to resolve to put in its proper place everything which he or she observed out of order4 ,by the time this rule had been established for twenty-four hours1 the house would be immaculate1 and the mother find ample time for her mission1--if she has any beside general chink-filler for the family4 ,if not1 she will have an opportunity to rest4 ,a well-known author1 who is at the same time an exemplary housewife1 tells of how she retired one rainy spring morning to her study in just the mood for writing4 ,husband and sons had gone to their various occupations4 ,she had a splendid day for work ahead of her4 ,she sat down to her desk and took up her pen4 ,the plot of a story was forming itself in her brain4 ,she dipped her pen in the ink and wrote3 ,he was-- ,a knock at the door4 ,enter ,anne4 ,please1 mem1 a mouse has eat a hole in one of your handsome napkins1--them as ,i was to wash agin the company you're expectin' to-morrow night4 ,by rights it should be mended before it's washed4 ,bring it to the sewing-room4 ,when the neat piece of darning was ended1 the housekeeper repaired to the closet to put on a loose writing-sack4 ,on the nail next to the jacket hung her winter coat4 ,on the edge of the sleeve was a tiny hole4 ,the housewifely spirit was filled with dread4 ,there were actually moths in that closet6 ,she must attend to it immediately4 ,the woolens ought to be put up if moths had already appeared4 ,john's clothes and the boys' winter coats were in great danger of being ruined4 ,by lunch time the necessary brushing and doing up were ended4 ,but in stowing away the winter garments in the attic1 our heroine was appalled at the confusion among the trunks4 ,the garret needed attention1 and received it as soon as the noonday meal was dispatched4 ,at four o'clock1 with the waitress' assistance1 the task was completed4 ,about the same time a note arrived from ,john saying he would be obliged to bring two of his old friends--swell bachelors--who were spending the day in town1 to dine with him that night4 ,she must not put herself to any trouble about dinner1 and he would take them to the theatre in the evening4 ,to the dinner already ordered were added oyster-pts1 salad1 with mayonnaise dressing1 salted almonds1 and1 instead of the plain pudding that ,john liked1 was a pie of which he was still more fond1 capped by black coffee1 all of which articles1 except the last-named1 were prepared by the hostess1 who1 in faultless toilette1 with remarkably brilliant color1 smilingly welcomed her husband and his guests to the half-past six dinner4 ,when they had gone to the theatre1 and the mother had talked to her two sons of the day's school experiences1 before they settled down to their evening of study1 she returned to the dining-room1 and1 as ,mary had a headache and had had a busy day1 she assisted in washing and wiping the unusual number of soiled dishes1 and in setting the breakfast table4 ,at nine o'clock she dragged her weary self upstairs4 ,as she passed the door of her sanctum on the way to her bed-chamber1 she paused1 then entered1 and lighted the gas-jet over her desk4 ,on it lay the page of foolscap1 blank but for the words3 ,he was-- ,the day had gone and the plot with it4 ,with a half-sob she sat down and wrote with tired and trembling fingers3 ,he was--this morning4 ,he isn't now6 ,but will not my readers agree with me that she was a genuine wife1 mother1 housekeeper1--in short1 a chink-filler8 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,must-,,haves ,,and ,,may-,,bes4 ,a ,summer in ,leslie ,goldthwaite's ,life1 one of the most charming1 as well as one of the most helpful of ,adeline ,d4,t4 ,whitney's books1 was sent into the world over a quarter-century ago4 ,but age cannot wither nor custom stale1 nor render old-fashioned the delightful volume with its many quaint and original ideas4 ,others besides girls have learned the practical truth of one sentence which1 for the good it has done1 deserves to be written in letters of gold3 ,something must be crowded out4 ,more than one perplexed and conscientious worker has1 like myself1 written it out in large text and tacked it up in sewing-room1 kitchen1 or over a desk4 ,in the beginning1 ,i want to guard what may seem to be a weak point by stating1 first and above all1 that this is not an excuse for slighting or slurring over our legitimate work4 ,one easygoing housekeeper used to say that1 in her opinion1 there was a genius in slighting4 ,her home attested the fact that she had reduced the habit of leaving things undone to a science1 but it is doubtful if the so-called genius differed largely from that which forms a prominent characteristic of the porcine mother1 and enables her to enjoy her home and little ones with apparent indifference to the fact that outsiders denominate one a sty1 and her offspring small pigs4 ,not very long ago ,i was frequently brought into contact with a woman who has1 as all her friends acknowledge1 a faculty for turning off work4 ,she has a jaunty knack of pinning trimming on a hat1 which1 although bare and stiff in the start1 evolves into a toque or capote that a ,french milliner need not blush to confess as her handiwork4 ,she can run up the seams in a dress-skirt with speed that fills the slower sisters working at her side with sad envy4 ,she puts up preserves with marvelous dexterity1 and can toss together eggs1 butter1 sugar and flour1 and turn out a cake in less time than an ordinary woman would consume in creaming the butter and sugar4 ,but it is an obvious fact that the work of this remarkable woman lacks staying power4 ,her too rapid and long stitches often give way1 allowing between them mortifying glimpses of white under-waist or skirt to obtrude themselves2 in a high wind the trimmings or feathers are likely to blow loose from the dainty bonnets2 her preserves ferment1 and have to be boiled down1 while the cutting of her cake reveals the truth that under the top-crust are heavy streaks1 like a stratum of igneous formation shot athwart the aqueous4 ,the maker of gown1 hat1 preserves1 and cake lacks thoroughness4 ,as one irreverent young man once said after dancing with her--she is all the time tumbling to pieces4 ,since something must be crowded out1 the first and great point is to determine what this something must be4 ,certain duties are of prime importance1 others only secondary4 ,one writer says of a woman who had cultivated the sense of proportion with regard to her work3 ,we felt all the while the cheer and gladness and brightness of her presence1 just because she had learned to make this great distinction1--to put some things first and others second4 ,she had mastered the great secret of life4 ,this talk of mine reminds me of a prosy preacher who chose one ,sunday as the text of his sermon1 ,it is good to be here1 and began his discourse with the announcement1 ,i shall employ all the time this morning in telling of the places in which it is not good to be4 ,if you come to hear me to-night ,i will tell you where it is good to be4 ,so we will consider the things which must not be put aside4 ,some duties are plain1 self-evident1 and heaven-appointed4 ,such is the care of children4 ,to the young mother this is1 or should be1 the first and great object in life4 ,her baby must have enough clothes1 and these clothes must be kept clean1 fresh and dainty1 for his pure1 sweet babyship4 ,his many little wants must be attended to1 even if calls are not returned and correspondence is neglected4 ,but it is not absolutely necessary to load down the tiny frocks with laces and embroidery that are time consumers from the moment they are stitched on till the article they serve to adorn is ready for the rag-bag4 ,the starching1 the fluting1 the ironing1 all take precious hours that might be employed upon some of the must-haves4 ,home duties take the precedence of social engagements4 ,a busy mother cannot serve ,john1 babies and society with all her heart1 soul and strength4 ,either she will neglect the one and cleave unto the other1 or neither will receive proper attention4 ,even a wealthy woman who can make work easy 787 by having a nurse for each child in the household1 cannot afford to leave the tender oversight of the clothes1 food1 and general health of one of her babies to those hired to do the nursing4 ,there is no genuine nurse but the mother2 and although others may do well under her eye and directed by her1 she can never shift the mother-responsibility to other shoulders2 and if she be worthy of the dignity of motherhood1 she will never wish to have it otherwise4 ,a few days ago ,i heard a clever woman say that a friend of hers had chosen as her epitaph--not1 ,she hath done what she could1 but ,she tried to do what she couldn't1 and that her motto in life seemed to be1 ,what's worth doing at all is worth doing swell4 ,this speech applies to too many ,american women1 and so general is the habit of overcrowding1 that she who would really determine what is worth doing at all must hold herself calmly and quietly in hand1 and stand still with closed eyes for one minute1 until her senses1 dazed by the wild rush about her1 have become sufficiently clear1 and her hand steady enough1 to pick out the diamonds of duty from the glass chips which pass with the superficial observer for first-water gems4 ,it is well for our housewife to have some test-stone duty by which she may rate the importance of other tasks4 ,such a test-stone may be ,john's or baby's needs or requirements4 ,of course she must not expect to make as much show to the outside world by keeping the children well and happy1 entertaining her husband each evening until he forgets the trials and vexations of his business-day1 preparing toothsome and wholesome dainties for the loved ones1 and making home sweet and attractive1 as does the society woman who attends twenty teas a week1 gives large lunches and dinners1 and takes in every play and opera4 ,the little bird sits at his door in the sun1 ,atilt like a blossom among the leaves1 ,and lets his illumined being o'errun ,with the deluge of summer it receives4 ,his mate feels the eggs beneath her wings1 ,and the heart in her dumb breast flutters and sings2 ,he sings to the wide world1 and she to her nest2 ,in the nice ear of ,nature which song is the best8 ,if my reader is a mother it will not take very long for her to justly determine the values4 ,recently ,i heard a busy woman and an excellent housewife say3 ,if ,i am pressed with important work1 and my parlors are not very dusty1 ,i unblushingly wipe off the polished furniture1 on which every speck shows1 and leave the upholstered articles until another time4 ,this was not untidiness4 ,it was only putting time and work to the best advantage1 that there might be enough to go around4 ,i read the other day in the woman's department of a prominent paper a letter from a subscriber who said that she was so driven with work that it was all she could do to get her washing done1 much less her ironing4 ,so she had determined to use her bed-linen and underclothing rough-dry4 ,would it not have been wiser as well as neater1 for her to have plain1 untrimmed underwear1 and iron it without starching8 ,for here comfort is also to be considered4 ,is not smooth1 neat linen to take the precedence of trimming and starch8 ,another thing which must not be crowded out is rest1 and the care of the health1--and the one includes the other4 ,a day in which no breathing-space has been found is a wicked day4 ,not only is it our duty to the bodies which ,god has given to care properly for them1 but it is1 moreover1 a positive duty to our fellow-man4 ,an overworked person is likely to be cross and disagreeable1 for the mind is affected by the state of the body1 and it is an absolute sin to put ourselves into a condition that makes others miserable4 ,it is also wretched economy to burn the candle at both ends every day4 ,when it is needed to aid us in some large piece of work the wick will be consumed1 and the light will faintly flicker1 or splutter feebly and die4 ,among the things which may be easily and advantageously crowded out1 we may rank unnecessary talking4 ,the housekeeper would be surprised were she to take note of the time spent by her servants1 and1 perhaps1 even by herself1 in saying a few words here1 and telling a story there in the time which rightfully belongs to other tasks4 ,could she look1 herself unseen1 into her kitchen1 she would find ,bridget and ,norah1 arms akimbo1 comparing notes as to past places or present beaux4 ,gossip is their meat and drink1 and it does not occur to them1 or they do not care1 that they are paid the same wages for time thus spent as for the hours at the tubs and ironing-board4 ,when you work1 work2 and when you play1 play1 is an excellent motto for both mistress and maid4 ,to many workers there is a lack of courage and a sinking of heart at the thought of a large piece of work ahead of them1 and such persons lose a vast amount of time in looking at a duty before they attack it4 ,this habit of dallying over a task is something which may certainly be crowded out4 ,the two great points in the successful management of time are concentration and system4 ,at the beginning of each day set duties in array before your mind's eye1 and attack them1 one at a time4 ,this may at first sight sound like ridiculously unnecessary advice4 ,but unless my readers are exceptional women1 they all know what it is to be so pressed with things that must be done that they do not know what to begin first4 ,having chosen the most important task1 attack that1 and when you have once laid hold of the plough1 drive straight ahead1 not allowing the sight of another furrow1 which is not just straight1 to induce you to stop midway to straighten it before you have finished the one upon which your energies should now be bent4 ,too many women are mere potterers1 not earnest laborers4 ,they begin to make a bed1 and stop to brush up some dust that has collected under the bureau4 ,before the dust-pan is emptied1 the thought occurs of a tear in one of the children's aprons1 and by the time that is mended1 something else appears that needs attention1 and all day long tasks are half completed and nothing is entirely finished1 until at night the poor toiler is weary and discouraged1 with nothing to show for her pains1 except an anxious face and a semi-straight household4 ,woman's work is quite as dignified as man's1 and why should it not be arranged as carefully and systematically8 ,if some thing must be crowded out1 let it be1 with forethought and reason1 set to one side1--not shoved or huddled amid mess and confusion4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,,what ,,good ,,will ,,it ,,do8 ,thus ,i translate the ,latin cui bono4 ,in whatever language the query is put1 it is the most valuable balance-wheel ever attached to human action and speech4 ,the principle is old4 ,the pithy phrase in the shrewd ,roman's mouth was two-edged1 and had a sharp point4 ,the enterprise that led to no good was not worth beginning4 ,a friend of mine who has written long1 much1 and1 so far as ,i can judge1 always profitably1 told me that in #ahfe she wrought out what was1 to her apprehension1 the most powerful book she ever composed1--a story of the ,civil ,war4 ,she was a ,unionist in every thought and sentiment1 and this she proclaimed2 she had had unusual opportunities of seeing behind the scenes of political intrigue1 and she had improved them4 ,when the last chapter was written she carried the ,,ms4 into her husband's study at dusk one evening1 and began to read it aloud to him4 ,she finished it at two o'clock a4m4 ,her auditor would not let her pause until then4 ,hoarse1 but with a heart beating high with excitement1 she waited for the verdict4 ,the husband walked up and down the floor for some minutes1 head bent and hands clasped behind him1 deep in thought4 ,finally he stopped in front of her4 ,that is a marvelous book1 my dear1--strong1 true1 dramatic4 ,it will sell well4 ,it will make a noise in the world4 ,but--cui bono8 ,chagrined1 mortified1 angry1 the author took the words with her to her room1 and her brain tossed upon them as upon thorns all night4 ,at dawn she arose and put the ,,ms4 into the fire4 ,i shudder to this day in thinking what would have been had ,i acted differently1 she says4 ,what ,i had written in a semi-frenzy of patriotism would have been hot pincers1 tearing open wounds which humanity and religion would have taught me to heal4 ,into many lives comes some such crisis1 when the text ,i would bind upon my reader's mind would act as a breakwater1 and save more than one soul from sorrow1 perhaps from destruction4 ,in the everyday life of everybody1 crises of less moment accentuate experience1 and tend to make the nature richer or poorer4 ,i incline to the belief that nine-tenths of the remorseful heartaches which most of us know only too well1 might be spared us did we pause to repeat to ourselves the ,latin or ,english sentence4 ,it may be a relic of barbarism1 but it is an undeniable trait of human nature that all of us feel the longing to answer back1 or1 as the children put it1 to get even with the man or woman whose speech offends us4 ,the apostle showed marvelous knowledge of the weakness of sinful mortals when he affirmed that the tongue was an unruly member1 for it is easier to perform a herculean feat1 to strain physical strength and muscle to the utmost1 than to bite back the sharp retort1 or repress the acrid reply4 ,and there is such a hopelessness in the sentence once uttered6 ,it is gone from us forever4 ,we may regret it and show our repentance in speech and action1 but we cannot blot the memory of the cruel words from our minds1 or from the mind of the person1--perhaps a mere acquaintance1 oftener bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh1--in whose heart the barbed arrows of our eloquence rankle for months and years4 ,the dear friend may forgive freely and fully the bitter censure or unjust reproof1 but a scar is left which1 if touched in a moment of inadvertence1 will pulse and throb with the remembrance of pain4 ,leave the bitter word unspoken2 ,so shalt thou be strongly glad1 ,if there lies no backward shadow ,on dead faces1 wan and sad4 ,to repress a harsh answer1 to confess a fault1 to stop1 right or wrong1 in the midst of self-defence1 in gentle submission1 sometimes requires a struggle like life and death1 but these three efforts are the golden threads with which domestic happiness is woven4 ,how frequently we exclaim1--,if ,i ever get the opportunity1 ,i will give that woman a piece of my mind6 or1 ,i shall some time have the satisfaction of telling that man what ,i think of his behavior4 ,it is a very melancholy and most unsatisfactory satisfaction to know that you have made a person uncomfortable4 ,it is folly for you to suppose for a moment that an angry speech of yours will turn a man from a course of which you do not approve4 ,it will make him hate you1 perhaps1 but it will not change him4 ,it is not only foolish1 but un-,christian to triumph in another's discomfiture4 ,then why give the piece of your mind1 which you can never take back8 ,what good will it do8 ,the same question may be asked with regard to the uncharitable remarks which nearly all of us make daily4 ,once in a great while1 we meet a human being1 still permitted to dwell on this sinful earth1 who rarely says anything unkind of anybody1 whose rule is1 ,if you cannot say a kind thing say nothing4 ,in the course of a long and varied experience ,i may have known half-a-dozen such4 ,but what man has done1 man may do again4 ,what is the baneful spirit which tempts the gentlest of us to take more pleasure in calling attention to a fault than to a virtue8 ,if a woman is a tender mother1 a model wife1 and an excellent housekeeper1 why1 when her virtues are discussed1 is it necessary for some one to think it is such a pity that she does not read more8 or what good comes from the remark that she is sprightly1 but not very deep8 ,there is no habit more easily contracted than that of wholesale criticism1 and it is a habit that grows with fungus-like rapidity4 ,washington ,irving says that a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use1 and with many people the unruly member has acquired a razor-like edge which contains in itself the faculty of keeping sharp1 and never needs honing or setting4 ,i have in mind one man to whom ,i hesitate to name a friend1 unless it chances to be one over whom he has cast the mantle of his approval4 ,those who are fortunate enough to live up to his standard are very few1 and all others he criticises unmercifully1 employing in his condemnation a ready wit and fluent speech that might be used in a nobler purpose4 ,such a reputation as he holds for all uncharitableness is not an enviable one1 and one wonders what would be his answer to our cui bono4 ,when there are so many truthful and pleasant things that may be said of everybody1 why call attention to disagreeable points1 which after all1 are fewer than the agreeable ones8 ,the office of the gossip is so thankless that it is a marvel any one accepts it4 ,to certain natures there is positive delight in being the first to relate a choice bit of scandal4 ,it never occurs to them that the old maxim with regard to a dog who fetches a bone can possibly be applied to them4 ,but it is as true as the stars that if a person brings you an unsavory tale of a friend1 she will carry away as ugly a story of you1 if she can find the faintest suggestion upon which to found it4 ,the gossip acquires a detective-like faculty for following out a clue1 but unfortunately1 the clue is oftener purely imaginary than real4 ,a little discrepancy like this does not disturb the professional scandal-monger4 ,so tenacious is the habit of making much of nothing1 that1 deprived of this1 her sustenance1 she would find life colorless and void4 ,so1 if material does not present itself1 she manufactures it4 ,one must live4 ,there is also a habit1 which1 while comparatively innocent1 is likely to bring trouble upon the perpetrator4 ,it is that of making many confidantes4 ,here comes a very serious cui bono4 ,undoubtedly there is a momentary satisfaction in telling one's woes and sorrows to an interested listener4 ,when the auditor is a friend1 and a trusted friend1 whose sympathy is genuine and whose discretion is vast1 there is a comfort beyond description in unburdening one's soul4 ,but there is a line to be drawn even here4 ,it is not deceit to keep your private affairs to yourself when you are sure that you are guilty of nothing dishonorable or hypocritical in so doing4 ,you are often your own best and safest counselor4 ,i know one woman who long ago said a thing which should be a motto to those susceptible persons who in a sudden expansion of the heart tell all they know and which they would most wish to keep to themselves4 ,my dear1 she said1 in the course of a somewhat checkered life ,i have discovered that while ,i have often been sorry for things which ,i have told1 ,i have never had cause to regret what ,i have kept to myself4 ,if you have a secret and wish to keep it1 guard it jealously4 ,it ceases to be yours alone when you impart it to another4 ,your confidante may be discretion personified1 and1 yet again1 she may have some nearer and dearer one to whom she tells everything1 even the secrets of her friends4 ,or1 you may in time learn to be ashamed of the confidence which you have reposed in this person1 and the knowledge that she knows and remembers the thing1 and1 it may be1 knows that you feel a mortification at the thought of it1 will gall you unspeakably4 ,perhaps the hardest struggle that comes to the average human being is to let others be mistaken4 ,yet what good will it do to point out to them their mistakes8 ,if your husband or son tells several people that he met ,john ,smith last week in ,new ,york1 and you know that he was in that city three weeks ago1 why correct him8 ,he is talking hastily and does not stop to measure his words or time4 ,the mistake is unimportant4 ,why antagonize a man by exclaiming3 ,my dear ,john6 ,this is the third week in ,january1 and you went to ,new ,york immediately after ,christmas4 ,when you hear your friend tell your favorite story1 and change some minor detail1 she will love you not a whit the more if you correct her with-- ,no1 ,mary6 the way it happened was this--and then proceed with the tale in the manner which you consider best4 ,there are so many things which we all do for which there is no honest reason1 that ,i will mention only one more4 ,that is the exceedingly uncomfortable trick of reminding a man of something he has once said1 when he has since had occasion to change his mind4 ,perhaps some years ago when you first met your now dear friend1 you thought her manner affected1 and did not hesitate to mention the fact to your family4 ,since then you have become so well acquainted with her delightful points that you forget your early impression of her4 ,how do you feel when you are enthusiastically enumerating her many lovable attributes1 if the member of the household with the fiendish memory strikes in with-- ,oh1 then you have changed your mind about her8 ,you remember you once said that you considered her the most affected mortal whom you had ever met4 ,under such provocation does not murder assume the guise of justifiable homicide8 ,there is no more bitter diet than to be forced to eat one's own words4 ,never tell one of an opinion which he once held1 if he has since had reason to alter his views4 ,there is no sin or weakness in changing one's mind4 ,it is a thing which all of us--if we except a few victims to pig-headed prejudice--do daily4 ,and1 as a rule1 we hate to be reminded of the fact4 ,then why call the attention of others to the circumstances that they are guilty of the same weakness1 if such it be8 ,again ,i ask1 cui bono8 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,,shall1 ,i ,,pass ,,it ,,on8 ,me refrunce1 mum6 ,i look up1 bewildered1 from an essay to which ,i have just set the caption--,who is my ,neighbor8 ,me carackter1 mum6 ,me stiffticket6 ,you'll not be sending me away without one1 peticklerly as 'twas meself as give warnin'8 ,she is ready for departure4 ,dressed in decent black for the brother who was drownded las' summer1 she stands at the back of my desk1 one hand on her hip1 and makes her demand4 ,it is not a petition1 but a dispassionate statement of a case that has no other side4 ,she has been in my kitchen for six months as my nominal servitor4 ,she has drawn her wages punctually for that time4 ,she wants a change2 her month is up2 she is going out of my house1 out of my employ1 out of my life4 ,these things being true1 ,katy wants to take with her all that pertains to her4 ,one of these belongings is her refrunce4 ,from her standpoint1 ,i owe it to her as truly as ,i owed the sixteen dollars ,i have just paid her4 ,i engaged ,katy last ,may from a highly responsible intelligence office4 ,for and in consideration of a fee of three dollars1 a lady-like agent1 with a smooth voice and demeanor1 passed over the girl to me as she might a brown paper parcel of moist sugar4 ,she supplied1 gratis1 a personal voucher for the woman ,i had engaged1 having known her well for five years4 ,katy had1 moreover1 a model recommend1 which she unwrapped from a bit of newspaper that had kept it clean4 ,the chirography was the fashionable long ,english2 the diction was good1 and the orthography faultless4 ,envelope and paper had evidently come from a lady's davenport4 ,this is to certify that ,katherine ,brady has lived in my family for eleven months as cook4 ,i have found her industrious1 sober1 neat1 honest and obliging4 ,she also understands her business thoroughly4 ,she leaves me in consequence of my removal from the city4 7,mrs47 444 ,no 444 ,west #egth ,st41 ,new ,york ,city4 ,if the certificate had a fault1 it was that the fit was too nearly perfect4 ,i had heard of references written to order by venal scribes1 and ,i consulted the city directory4 ,mr4 444's office was in ,wall street1 his residence ,no 444 ,west #egth street4 ,i called to see him1 found him in1 and found him a gentleman4 ,he had no doubt that all was right4 ,he believed the name of their latest cook was ,katherine4 ,they called her ,katy4 ,he knew that his wife was sorry to part with her1 and inferred that she was a worthy woman4 ,we1 too1 were leaving town1 but only for the summer4 ,katy liked the country in hot weather4 ,all the best fam'lies now-a-days had their country-places4 ,it is not an easy matter to change help during a summer sojourn in a cottage distant an hour and a half from town4 ,the act involves one or more railway journeys1 much running about in hot streets1 and much hopeless ringing at dumb and dusty doors4 ,this is the explanation of ,katy's six months' stay in my kitchen4 ,in town1 she would have been dismissed at the end of the first week4 ,she was a wretched cook1 and a worse laundress4 ,within an hour after she entered my door1 the decent black gown was exchanged for a dingy calico which she wore1 without a collar1 and minus a majority of the buttons1 all day long and every day4 ,she was a settled girl--owning to twenty-eight summers1 and having weathered forty winters4 ,her hair1 streaked with gray1 tumbled down as persistently as ,patience ,riderhood's1 and was uncomfortably easy of identification in ragout and muffins4 ,her slippers were down at heel2 her kitchen was never in order2 her tins were black2 her pots were greasy2 her range was dull2 her floors unclean4 ,like all her compeers1 she found the place harder nor she had been give to onderstand1 but was willin' to do her best1 seein' she had come4 ,her best was sometimes sour bread1 sometimes burned biscuits1 generally weak1 muddy coffee1 always under-seasoned vegetables and over-seasoned soup4 ,by ,july #a1 she developed a genius for quarreling with the other servants that got up a domestic hurricane1 and ,i told her she must leave4 ,she promptly burst into tears1 and reminded me that ,i had engaged her for the sayson1 an' what would a pore girl be doin' in the empty city in the middle of the summer8 ,an' whativer they may say o' me ways down-stairs1 it's the timper of a babby ,i have1 an' would niver throw a harrd wurrd at a dog1 let alone a human4 ,whin they think me cross1 it's only that ,i'm a bit quoiet1 an' who can wonder8 thinkin' o' me pore brother as was drownded las' summer1 an' him niver out o' me moind6 ,i weakly allowed her to stay upon promise of good and peaceable behavior1 and tried to make the best of her1 as she had of the place4 ,one ,september day1 just when the physician1 called in to see a dear young guest1 had expressed his fear that she was sickening for a serious illness1 ,katy gave warning4 ,her feelin's would not allow her to stay in a house where there was sickness4 ,it always reminded her of her pore1 dear brother what was drownded las' summer1 an' a sick pairson made a quare lot o' extra work1 even when it was considered in the wages4 ,she'd be lavin' that day week1 her month bein' up then4 ,happily1 the threatening of illness was a false alarm1 but ,katy is going4 ,the city is filling up1 and many best families must re-open their town-houses in time for the school terms4 ,she looks as happy at the prospect of a return to area-gossip and ,sunday flirtation as ,i feel at getting rid of her4 ,i have made with her a farewell round of pantries1 refrigerator1 and cellar4 ,valuable articles are missing--notably two solid silver tablespoons and a dozen fine napkins4 ,at the back of the barn a pile of brushwood masks a ,monte ,testaccio of china and cut-glass4 ,dirt is in every corner2 glass-towels have been degraded into dish and floor-cloths2 saucepans are burned into holes2 tops are lacking to pots and pails4 ,for all this there is no redress4 ,when ,i made a stand upon the case of spoons1 as being old family silver1 the housemaid declared that ,katy had used them often to stir soup and porridge1 and ,katy retorted with gusts of brine and brogue that she wouldn't be accountable for things that didn't belong to her business4 ,altogether1 my amiable willingness that she should take her leave without shaking more dust from her feet upon an already burdened household1 had become impatient desire by the time ,i counted out her wages4 ,yet1 here she stands1 grim as the sphinx1 fixed as ,fate1 with the inexorable requisition1 ,me refrunce1 mum6 ,what could ,i say of you ,katy8 ,i ask1 miserably4 ,what any leddy whatsomever1 as is a leddy1 would say6 ,what lots o' other leddies1 as leddylike as enny leddy could wish to be1 ridin' in their coaches an' livin' in houses tin times 's big as this1 leddies as had none but leddylike ways1 has said6 is the tautological response4 ,i've served yez1 fair an' faithful1 for six mont's1 and it stan's to rayson as ,i wouldn't 'a' been let to stay that long onder yer ruff if so be ,i hadn't shuited yez4 ,she has me there1 and she knows it4 ,inwardly1 ,i retract some of the hard things ,i have thought and said of ,mrs4 444 of ,no 444 ,west ,fifty-seventh street4 ,having let the creature abide under her roof for eleven months1 she must justify herself for the act4 ,she meant to leave town1 as ,i mean to go back to town1 and1 like me1 truckled weakly to expediency4 ,nevertheless1 her weakness did me a real wrong4 ,shall ,i pass it on8 ,this is the moral question ,i would sift from what my readers may regard as trivial and commonplace details4 ,the fact that my experience is so common as to seem trite1 is the most startling feature in the case4 ,our ,american domestic service is a loosely woven web1 full of snarls and knots4 ,it is time that the great national principle that government must depend upon the consent of the governed1 should be studied and applied to the matter in hand4 ,we1 the wage-payers1 are the governed1 and without our consent4 ,the recent attempt to enforce this retroverted law upon a grand scale1 in calling a mighty railway corporation to account for the discharge of a dozen or so out of several thousand employes1 is no stronger proof of this curious reversal of positions than the demand of my whilom cook that ,i should set my hand to a lie4 ,i caught her once in a falsehood so flagrant that ,i commended the rule of truth-speaking to her moral sense1 and asked how she reconciled the sin with her knowledge of what was right4 ,her answer was ready3 ,oh1 there's no sin in a lie that doesn't hurt yer neighbor6 ,judged even by this easygoing principle1 ,i should sin in penning the reference without which ,katy intimates that she will not withdraw her foot from my house4 ,she looms before me1--vulgar1 determined1 irrational and ignorant1--the impersonation of the ,system under which we cringe and groan4 ,what would you do8 ,i ask a friend1 who is a successful housewife4 ,she shrugs her shoulders4 ,oh1 swim with the tide6 ,not to give the certificate will be equivalent to boycotting yourself4 ,the news of your contumacy will spread like prairie fires4 ,you will be baited and banned beyond endurance4 ,but--my duty to my neighbor8 ,thanks to the prevailing rule in these affairs1 your neighbor knows how little a written reference is worth4 ,she will satisfy the proprieties by reading it1 and form her own opinion of the girl4 ,when ,katy has worn out her saucepans and patience1 your successor in misfortune will give her clean papers to the next place4 ,it is a sort of endless chain of suffering4 ,then1 there is the humane side of the question4 ,a recommendation of some sort is a form most housewives insist upon4 ,you may be taking the bread out of a 'girl's' mouth by denying her a scrap of paper4 ,nevertheless1 ,i shall not give ,katy a reference4 ,i have said to her in plain but temperate terms3 ,you are a poor cook4 ,you are wasteful1 dirty1 ill-tempered and impertinent4 ,you have been a grievous trial and a money loss to me4 ,i am willing to write this down1 together with the statement that you are sober1 strong and quick to learn1 and that you would probably work well under a stricter mistress than ,i have time to be4 ,she has informed me in intemperate terms1 that it is aisy to see you are no leddy1 an' fer the matter o' that1 no ,christian1 ayther1 or you'd not put sech an insult on to an honest1 harrd-wurkin' girrl as has her livin' to git4 ,she pronounces furthermore1 that she was niver so put upon an' put about in all her life afore as since into this house she come2 that she will have the law o' me for refusing her her rights4 ,finally1 and most intemperately1 that the ,lord will dale with me for grindin' the face of a pore1 defenceless young cre'tur' as has had such a pile o' throuble already4 ,if her pore1 dear brother what was drownded las' summer was alive1 ,i wouldn't dare trate her so cruel4 ,i stand fast1 between breaths1 to my resolution4 ,i relate the true history of the transaction to enforce my appeal to my fellow housekeepers1 all over the land1 to join hands in a measure which would1 ,i am persuaded1 go far toward rectifying a crooked system4 ,let each housekeeper1 in dismissing a servant1 write out without prejudice for or against the late employe1 her claims to the confidence of the next employer1 and her faults1--in short1 a veritable character4 ,let her pledge herself to her sister-housekeepers and to her conscience1 not to receive into her family one who cannot produce satisfactory testimonials of her fitness for the place she seeks4 ,in ,england1 a mistress who engages a maid without such credentials is regarded as recreant to her order4 ,in ,england1 too1 the former mistress is held partly responsible for the mischief done1 if she turn loose upon other households a woman like ,katherine ,brady4 ,the proposed remedy for a crying and a growing evil is so simple that some may doubt its practical efficacy4 ,yet the most casual thinker must see the strength as well as the simplicity of a plan which would make skill and fidelity in service the only road to success4 ,self-interest1 if nothing else1 would stimulate our ,katies and ,bridgets1 our ,dinahs and our ,gretchens1 to keep a place1 if it were not so wickedly easy to make a change4 ,our kitchens are overrun and ravaged by ,arabs that become1 every year1 more despotic4 ,who would be free1 herself must strike the blow4 ,general liberty from this bondage can only be achieved by determined and united effort4 ,the establishment in every community of a simple organization under the name of ,the ,housekeepers' ,protective ,union1 that should have but one article in its constitution1 and that one be the pledge ,i have indicated1 would cover the whole ground1 and effect within a year1 permanent reform4 ,shall not this appeal be the ,alexander to cut the ,gordian knot which has1 thus far1 defied the dexterity and strength of all who have wrestled with the problem8 ,who will send me news of the formation of the first ,chapter of the ,h4,p4,u48 ,,chapter ,x4 ,,only ,,her ,,nerves4 ,there is a slang expression current among the irreverent youth of the present day1 when referring to a man wise in his own conceit1 to the effect that what that fellow does not know is torn out4 ,so ,i1 quoting my juniors1 begin my talk with the sentence--for the raciness of which ,i apologize--,what ,american women do not know about nervousness is torn out6 ,only this week in a city horse-car ,i watched the faces of my fellow-passengers1--women1 most of them--with a pain at my heart4 ,oh1 the tired1 strained1 impatient faces1 and the eager1 alert1 and anxious expression that belong to the people of this new and free country6 ,some of these wretched mortals had babies with them1--babies whose fretful wails seemed but to voice the mother's expression of countenance4 ,in an uneasy way the little mites would be shifted from one shoulder to another1 or trotted in nervousness that reminded me irresistibly of the nursery rhyme which might be the motto of the ,american mother3 1 out of breath1 ,they trot the baby1 most to death1 ,sick or well1 or cold or hot1 ,it's trottery1 trottery1 trottery1 trot4 ,of all these women there was not one who sat still for three consecutive minutes4 ,heads were twisted to look at the name of the corner lamp-posts1 glove fingers were smoothed1 the folds of dress-skirts shaken out1 hats straightened1--until ,i would fain have cried out in irreverent paraphrase1 at sight of the unrest which ,i blush to confess made me conscious of my own nerves3 ,not one sitteth still--no1 not one6 ,that men have any patience with what they term feminine fidgetiness1 is but an evidence that they are better ,christians than we of the gentler sex are willing to admit4 ,for ,i think ,i am not making a sweeping assertion when ,i state that not one tolerably healthy man in five hundred knows what it is to have nerves such as are the birthright of his mother1 sister1 and wife4 ,and yet how well the physician1 poet1 autocrat and professor1 ,oliver ,wendell ,holmes1 knows and sympathizes with this weakness in us6 ,he touches the truth in a direct way that wrings a sigh of familiar pain from many a patient soul4 ,some people have a scale of your whole nervous system and can play all the gamut of your sensibilities in semi-tones1 touching the naked nerve-pulps as a pianist strikes the keys of his instrument4 ,i am satisfied that there are as great masters of this nerve-playing as ,vieuxtemps or ,thalberg in their lines of performance4 ,married life is the school in which the most accomplished artists in this department are found4 ,a delicate woman is the best instrument2 she has such a magnificent compass of sensibilities4 ,from the deep inward moan which follows pressure on the great nerves of right1 to the sharp cry as the filaments of taste are struck with a crashing sweep1 is a range which no other instrument possesses4 ,and again he speaks of the less serious affection of the nerves as3 444 ,not fear1 but what ,i call nervousness1--unreasoning1 but irresistible2 as when1 for instance1 one1 looking at the sun going down1 says3 ',i will count fifty before it disappears1' and as he goes on and it becomes doubtful whether he will reach the number1 he gets strangely flurried1 and his imagination pictures life and death and heaven and hell as the issues depending on the completion or non-completion of the fifty he is counting4 ,if a man can describe it all so well1 what could a woman do8 ,i fear that her description would be too graphic to be read by us1 her sisters4 ,many people have a way of saying of a sufferer3 ,there is nothing the matter with her4 ,she is only excessively nervous4 ,this only is a very serious matter4 ,there is no illness more difficult to treat and more trying to bear than nervous prostration4 ,it is a slowly advancing malady which is scarcely recognized as serious by one's friends until the tired mind succumbs and mental aberration is the terrible finale of the seemingly slight indisposition4 ,my readers may wonder why ,i dwell upon a subject that baffles even the most eminent physicians in the country4 ,it is because ,i feel that each of us women has in herself the only check to the nervousness which we all dread4 ,we1 as ,americans1 cannot afford to trifle with our unfortunate inheritance1 but must use every means at our command to subjugate the evil instead of being subjugated by it4 ,too many women1 especially among the lower classes1 think it pretty to be nervous4 ,the country practitioner will tell you of the precious hours he loses every week in hearkening to the recital of personal discomforts as poured into his professional ears by farmers' wives4 ,and the beginning1 middle1 and end of all their plaints is my nerves4 ,anything1 from a sprained ankle to consumption1 is attributed to or augmented by these necessary adjuncts to the human anatomy4 ,not long ago ,i was talking to the ignorant mother of a jaundiced1 colicky child of two years of age4 ,what does she eat8 ,i asked4 ,well1 she takes fancies1 and her latest notion is that she won't eat nothin' but ginger-nuts and bananas4 ,so she mostly lives on them4 ,sometimes she suffers awful4 ,from indigestion8 ,oh1 no6 patronizingly4 ,she inherits all my nervous weakness4 ,her nerves get the upper hand of her1 and she turns pale and shivers all over1 and then she looks as if she would go into the spasms4 ,but1 ,i suggested1 don't you think that is caused by acute indigestion8 ,no1 ma'am4 ,you see ,i know what it is1 havin' had it so bad myself4 ,the nerves of her stomach all draw up1 and cause the shakin' and tremblin'4 ,suggestions as to the modification of the little one's diet were useless4 ,indigestion was unromantic 7in the mother's judgment71 and nerves were highly aristocratic and refined4 ,i am happy to note that the girl of the rising generation is learning that to succumb to weakness is not a sign of ladyhood4 ,she does not jump on a chair at sight of a mouse1 scream when she meets a cow in a country road1 or cover her face and shudder at mention of a snake4 ,she is proud of being afraid of nothing1 of having a good appetite1 and of the ability to sleep as soundly as a tired and healthy child4 ,it is not then to her1 but to ourselves1 that we mothers have need to look4 ,we are too often the ones who give way to hysterical tears or to sharp words1 or perhaps to unjust criticism1 all of which we attribute to nervousness4 ,our more frank girl1 if affected in the same way1 would bluntly acknowledge that she was as cross as a bear4 ,let us quietly take hold of ourselves and ask ourselves the plain question1 ,are we nervous1 or cross8 ,if the latter1 we know how to remedy it4 ,a well person has no right to be so abominably bad-tempered or moody that he cannot keep people from finding it out4 ,if you are nervous1 there is some reason for it4 ,perhaps you did not sleep well last night2 perhaps you are suffering from dyspepsia2 but in any case will-power will do much towards lessening the trouble4 ,if you are ill1 it may cause a struggle greater than your nearest and dearest can imagine to repress the startled ejaculation at the slamming of a door1 or the angry exclamation when your bed is jarred4 ,but you will be better1 not worse1 physically1 for this self-control4 ,the woman1 who1 though tortured by nervousness sets her teeth and says1 ,i will be strong6 stands a better chance of speedy recovery than does she who weakly gives way to hysterical sobs a dozen times a day4 ,your nerves should be your servants1 and1 like all servants1 may give you much trouble1 but as long as you are mistress of yourself you need not fear them4 ,once let them get the control over you1 and you are gone4 ,there is no tyrant more merciless than he who has hitherto been a slave4 ,may ,i add one word to those whom we1 in exasperation1 are apt to call aggressively strong8 ,if you1 yourself1 do not know what nervousness is1 pity and help the poor sufferer in your family who never knows during day or night what it is to be without what you consider the fussiness that sets you wild4 ,if this mother1 or aunt1 or sister1 does control herself1 remember that she is stronger than you1 as the man who successfully curbs the fiery steed is more to be commended for courage than he who holds the reins loosely over the back of the safe farm-horse who does not know how to shy1 kick1 or run4 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,,the ,,rule ,,of ,,two4 ,one character mentioned in the unique rhyme of ,mary and her ,little ,lamb1 has never had due praise and consideration dealt out to him4 ,the teacher who heartlessly expelled from the temple of learning the unoffending and guileless companion of the innocent maiden who is the heroine of the above-mentioned ditty1 was1 in spite of his cruelty1 a philosopher4 ,after the exit of the principal actors in the poem1 we are told that the following conversation ensued3 ,what makes the lamb love ,mary so8 ,the eager children cry4 ,because she loves the lamb1 you know1 ,the teacher did reply4 ,the teacher was wise in his generation4 ,in his reply1 lies a world of meaning--one of the answers to the old question of the reason for personal antipathies and attractions1 and may perhaps be said1 in this case1 to touch upon animal magnetism4 ,there are exceptions to every rule1 and to the maxim that love begets love there are many instances to be cited in which the contrary proves true4 ,we all have been so unfortunate at some time during our lives as to be liked by people of whom we were not fond4 ,but1 if we look the matter thoughtfully and honestly in the face1 we will acknowledge that in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred we are attracted toward a person as soon as we learn that that person finds us agreeable4 ,of course this knowledge must not be conveyed in a manner that disgusts by effusiveness a sensitive person4 ,none of us like fulsome flattery1 but a compliment so delicately hinted that it does not shock1 and scarcely surprises the person for whom it is intended1 seldom fails to produce an impression that is far from disagreeable4 ,certainly no more graceful compliment can be paid a man or woman by us selfish mortals than the acknowledgment of an affinity between ourselves and the person whom we would honor by our friendship4 ,said a well-known scholar to me3 ,the most laudatory public speech ever addressed to me failed to make my heart glow as warmly as did the remark of an old friend not long ago4 ,we had been separated for years1 and at our reunion spent the first hour in talking of old times1 etc4 ,suddenly1 my friend turned to me1 and grasping my hand exclaimed3 ',old fellow6 you always were1 and still are1 my affinity6' ,the subtle flattery of that one exclamation makes me even now thrill with a delicious throb of self-conceit4 ,not long ago1 ,i asked of an acquaintance who is a wonderful reader of character3 ,why has ,mrs4 ,s---- so many good friends8 ,because she is such a good friend herself4 ,but why is she attractive to so many people8 queried ,i4 ,because she is first attracted by them1 was the quick response4 ,she goes on the principle that there is some good in everybody1 and sets herself to work to find it4 ,each of us knows when she is thrown into contact with a person who likes her4 ,it is as if each were surrounded with tinted atmospheres1--some green1 some blue1 some red1 or yellow--in fact1 there are more shades and colors than you can mention4 ,when two reds meet1 they mingle2 when two harmonious tints touch1 they may form a pleasing combination2 but when such enemies as blue and green come together1 they clash--fairly 'swear at one another1' and the persons enveloped in the opposing atmospheres are mutually disagreeable4 ,the man who is surrounded by the color capable of most harmonious combinations is said to have personal magnetism4 ,may not this explanation1 while rather far-fetched1 afford some clue to the causes of personal popularity8 ,and the thought following swift upon this is3 ,if this be true1 how much may each of us have to do with softening and making capable of harmony his and her own individual atmosphere8 ,while we cannot change our colors 7to follow out my friend's figure7 we may shade them down and make them less pronounced1 so that in time they may become capable of a variety of combinations4 ,does not ,faber touch upon this point1 when he says3 ,the discord is within which jars ,so roughly in life's song2 ',tis we ourselves who are at fault ,when others seem so wrong1 ,we blame others for being uncongenial ,when the discord is within1 that makes all things go awry4 ,a drunken man sees the whole world go around1 and blames it1 for its unsteadiness4 ,one way to render less obtrusive an inharmonious color1 if we possess such is to keep it out of a strong light that will attract all eyes to it4 ,do not let us be proud of our personal defects and peculiarities4 ,they are subjects for regret1 not pride4 ,when a woman boasts that she knows she is often impatient1 but she simply cannot help it1 she is so peculiarly constituted6 she acknowledges a weakness of which she should be ashamed4 ,if she is so undisciplined1 so untrained1 that she cannot avoid making life uncomfortable for those around her1 she would better stay in a room by herself until she learns self-control4 ,often the very eccentricities of character to which we cling so tenaciously are but forms of vanity4 ,why should our preferences1 our likes or dislikes be of more account than those of thousands of other people8 ,another great mistake we make is that we try the effect of other colors with our own1 and resent it hotly if they do not go well together4 ,we do not insist that they shall be like ours in tint1 but they must act as good backgrounds1 or form pleasing combinations with ours1 or we will none of them4 ,now it is quite possible for human beings to hold contrary views from those entertained by you and me1 and still be excellent members of society and reputable ,christians4 ,to many of us this seems incredible1 but it is none the less true4 ,not only are individual characters different1 but environment and education make us what we are4 ,very often a person who is uncongenial to us1 will1 in the surroundings to which she is fitted1 be at ease1 and perhaps even attractive4 ,i do not say that we must like everybody4 ,that is a physical1 mental and moral impossibility4 ,but we may do others the justice of seeing their good traits as well as the bad4 ,and sometimes when we find a chance acquaintance drearily uninteresting1 it is because we do not take the trouble to find out what is in her4 ,some people are always bored4 ,may it not be because they look at everything animate and inanimate from a selfish standpoint1 with the query in their minds1 ,how does that affect me8 ,the old definition of a bore as a person who talks so much of himself that he gives you no chance to talk of yourself1 may apply not only to the bore1 but to the bored4 ,when you find yourself wearied and uninterested1 be honest enough to examine yourself calmly1 and see if the reason is not because your vis-a-vis is not talking about anything which interests you especially4 ,should he turn the conversation upon your favorite occupation or pastime1 or even upon your personal likes and dislikes 7which1 by the way1 might be an infinite bore to him71 would he not at once become entertaining8 ,viewed from a selfish and politic standpoint1 it is to our interest to make the best of everybody4 ,we cannot always pick and choose our associates in the school of life1 and must frequently be thrown with people whom we do not take to1 and1 worse still1 who may not take to us4 ,since this be true1 would it not be better for us to look at their pleasantest side1 and1 by making ourselves agreeable to them1 insure their friendly feeling for us8 ,the old saying that the good-will of a dog is preferable to his ill-will1 may still be quoted with regard to many specimens of the genus homo which we daily meet4 ,there is one case in which ,i make an exception to all that ,i have said--namely1 when from the first1 there is--not a feeling of dislike1 but a strong1 uncontrollable personal antipathy4 ,if you are generally charitable and just1 and have few actual dislikes1 and meet a man against whom your whole nature revolts1 who is as repulsive to you as a snake would be1 avoid him4 ,it is not necessary for you to tell others of the uncomfortable impression he has made upon you4 ,he may not affect them in the same way4 ,i acknowledge1 not only from observation1 but from personal experience1 that there are certain people from whom one recoils with a feeling of physical as well as mental repugnance4 ,i believe that every woman who reads this talk has an unerring feminine instinct which will thus prompt her when she meets her own particular ,dr4 ,fell4 ,but ,i also believe that we seldom meet characters which repel us in this especial way4 ,oftener some slight to ourselves1 some one unfortunate speech1 biases our judgment1 and those against whom we are thus prejudiced are even sometimes connected to us by ties of consanguinity4 ,we would do well to analyze the causes which lead to our feelings of dislike1 and ,i fear we should often find that wounded self-esteem was the root of the evil4 ,and1 after all1 what a great matter a little fire kindleth6 ,let us quench the spark before it ignites4 ,it is arrant folly1 not to mention wickedness1 to make enemies for the little while we are here4 ,there is an incurable heartache which comes from such mistakes4 ,owen ,meredith describes it in a poem1 every verse of which throbs with hopeless love and regret1 and one of which teaches a lesson so much needed by us all that we would do well to commit to memory the last two lines1 and repeat them almost hourly3 ,i thought of our little quarrels and strife1 ,and the letter that brought me back my ring2 ,and it all seemed then1 in the waste of life1 ,such a very little thing6 ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,,the ,,perfect ,,work ,,of ,,patience4 ,a slender little treble was singing it over and over again in childish sort1 with so little appreciation of the meaning of the words that the oddity of the ditty was the first thing to attract my attention to it4 ,you'd better bide a wee1 wee1 wee6 ,oh1 you'd better bide a wee4 ,la1 la1 la1 la1 la1 la1 ,you'd better bide a wee4 ,the elf was singing her dolly to sleep1 swinging back and forth in her little rocking-chair1 the waxen face pressed against the warm pink cushion of her own cheek1 the yellow silk of curls palpitating with the owner's vitality mingling with the lifeless floss of her darling's wig4 ,the picture was none the less charming because so common1 but it was not in admiring contemplation of it that ,i arrested my pen in the middle of a word1 holding it thus an inch or two above the paper in position to resume the rapid rush along the sheet it had kept up for ten minutes and more4 ,i mused a moment4 ,then1 with the involuntary shake one gives his cranium when he has a ringing in his ears1 ,i finished the sentence3--sideration1 ,i cannot but think that patience has had her perfect work4 ,you'd better bide a wee6 lisped the baby's song4 ,i smiled slightly and sourly at what ,i called mentally the pat incongruity of the admonition with mood and written words4 ,a swift review of the situation confirmed the belief that ,i did well to be angry with the correspondent whose open letter lay upon the table beside the unfinished reply4 ,the letter head was familiar4 ,of late the frequent sight of it had bred annoyance waxing into irritation4 ,the brisk interchange of epistles grew out of a business-matter in which1 as ,i maintained1 ,i had been first ungenerously1 then unfairly1 finally dishonestly dealt with4 ,there was no doubt in my mind of the intention to mislead1 if not to defraud me1 and the communication now under advisement was in tone cavalier almost to the point of insult4 ,aroused out of the enforced calm ,i had hitherto managed to preserve1 ,i had seated myself and set my pen about the work of letting him who had now assumed the position of that man1 know how his conduct appeared in the light of reason and common sense4 ,i had not even withheld an illusion to honesty and commercial morality4 ,i had never done a better piece of literary work than that letter4 ,warming to the task in recounting the several steps of the transaction1 ,i had not scrupled to set off my moderation by a ,rembrandtish wash of shadow furnished by my correspondent's double-dealing1 and to cast my civility into relief by adroit quotations from his impertinent pages4 ,when ,i said that patience had had her perfect work1 it was my intention to unfold in short1 stinging sentences my plans as to future dealings with the delinquent4 ,the singing on the other side of the room meant no more than the chirping of a grasshopper upon a mullein-stalk4 ,i did not delude myself with the notion of providential use of the tongue that tripped at the consonants and lingered in liquid dalliance with favorite vowels4 ,yet1 after ten motionless minutes of severe thinking1 the letter was deliberately torn into strips and these into dice1 and all of these went into the waste-paper basket at my elbow4 ,i had concluded to abide a wee4 ,if the sun went down that once upon my anger1 he arose upon cold brands and gray ashes4 ,i had not changed my intellectual belief as to my correspondent's behavior1 but the impropriety of complicating an awkward business by placing myself in the wrong to the extent of losing my temper was so obvious that ,i blushed in recalling the bombastic periods of the torn composition4 ,since that lesson1 ,i have never sent off an angry or splenetic letter1 although the temptation to have it out upon paper has sometimes got the better of my more sensible self4 ,if the excitement is particularly great1 and the epistle more than usually eloquent of the fact that1 as the old-time exhorters used to say1 ,i had great liberty of speech1 ,i have always left it to cool over night4 ,the sunset dews our mothers sang of took the starch out of the bristling pages1 and the cool1 soft evening-hours1 and nightly utterance of--,as we forgive them that trespass against us1--drew out the fire4 ,you'd better bide a wee6 ,i have sometimes thought of writing it down1 as poor ,jo of ,bleak ,house begged to have his last message to ,esther ,summerson transcribed--werry large1--and pasting it upon the mirror that1 day by day1 reflects a soberer face than ,i like to see in its sincere depths--as one hot and hasty soul placarded upon her looking-glass the single word ,,patience4 ,to people whose tempers are quick and whose actions too often match their tempers1 one of the most difficult of daily duties is to reserve judgment upon that which appears ambiguous in the conduct of their associates4 ,the dreary list of slain friendships that makes retrospect painful to those of mature years2 the disappointments that to the young have the bitterness of death2 the tale of trusts betrayed and promises broken--how would the story be shortened and brightened if conscientious and impartial trial of the accused preceded sentence and punishment6--if1 in short1 we would only bide a wee before assuming that our friend is false1 or our love unworthily given4 ,in a court of justice previous character counts for much4 ,the number and respectability of the witnesses to a prisoner's excellent reputation and good behavior have almost as much weight with the jury as direct testimony in support of the claim that he did not commit the crime4 ,to prove that he could not1 without change of disposition and habit1 violate the laws of his country1 is the next best thing to an established alibi4 ,i should be almost ashamed to set down a thing which everybody knows so well were it not that each one of us1 when his best friend's fidelity to him is questioned1 flies shamelessly in the face of reason and precedent by ignoring the record of years4 ,he may have given ten thousand proofs of attachment to him whom he is now accused of wronging2 have showed himself in a thousand ways to be absolutely incapable of deception or dishonorable behavior of any sort4 ,a single equivocal circumstance1 a word half-heard1 a gesture misunderstood2 the report to his prejudice of a tale-bearer who is his inferior in every respect1--any one of these outbalances the plea of memory1 the appeal of reason1 the consciousness of the right of the arraigned to be heard4 ,were not the story one of to-day and of every day1 the moral turpitude it displays would arouse the hearer to generous indignation4 ,taking at random one of the multitude of illustrations crowding upon my mind1 let me sketch a vexatious incident of personal history4 ,some years ago--no matter how many1 nor how long was my sojourn in the town which was the scene of the story--,i accepted the invitation of an acquaintance to take a seat in her carriage while on my way to call upon a woman well known to us both4 ,the owner of the equipage1 ,mrs4 ,d----1 overtook me while ,i was trudging up the long street leading to the suburb in which our common acquaintance lived4 ,the day was bleak and windy1 and ,i was glad to be spared the walk4 ,mrs4 ,c----1 to whom the visit was paid1 came down to receive us with her hat and cloak on4 ,she was going down town presently1 she said1 and would not keep us waiting while she laid aside her wraps4 ,no6 she would not have us shorten our call on her account2 she could go half an hour later as well as now4 ,a good deal was said of the disagreeable weather1 and the bad sidewalks in that new section of the city--as ,i recollected afterward4 ,at the time1 ,i was more interested in her mention that her favorite brother1 an editor of note from another town and ,state1 was visiting her4 ,she asked permission to bring him to call1 and ,i consented with alacrity1 thinking1 as ,i spoke1 that ,i would1 after meeting him1 arrange a little dinner-party of choice spirits in his honor4 ,when we were ready to go1 ,mrs4 ,d----1 to my surprise and embarrassment1 did not propose that our hostess should drive down-town with us1 although we were going directly back1 and a cold ,scotch mist was beginning to fall4 ,to this day1 ,i do not know to what to attribute what ,i then felt--what ,i still consider--was gross incivility4 ,the most charitable supposition is that it never occurred to her that it would be neighborly and humane to offer a luxurious seat in her swiftly rolling chariot to the woman who must otherwise walk a mile in the chill and wet4 ,she had the reputation of absent-mindedness4 ,let us hope that her wits were off upon an excursion when we got into the carriage and drove away1 leaving ,mrs4 ,c---- at the gate4 ,glancing back1 uneasily1 ,i saw her raise an umbrella and set out upon her cheerless promenade directly in our wake1 and ,i made a desperate essay at redressing the wrong4 ,it is a pity ,mrs4 ,c---- must go out this afternoon1 ,i said1 shiveringly4 ,she will have a damp walk4 ,yes1 assented my companion1 readily4 ,that is the worst of being in this vicinity4 ,there is no street railway within half a mile4 ,she went no further4 ,i could go no further4 ,the carriage was hers--not mine4 ,mrs4 ,c---- 's brother did not call on me1 nor did she ever again4 ,the latter circumstance might not have excited surprise1 had she not treated me with marked coldness when ,i met her casually at the house of a friend4 ,in the busy whirl of an active life1 ,i should have forgotten this circumstance1 or set it down to my own imagination1 had not her brother's paper contained1 a month or so later1 an attack upon myself that amazed me by what ,i thought was causeless acrimony4 ,even when ,i found myself described as rich1 haughty and heartless1 consorting with people who could pay visits to me in coaches with monograms upon the doors1 and turning the cold shoulder to those who came on foot1--,i did not associate the diatribe with my visit to the writer's relative4 ,five years afterward1 the truth was made known to me by accident4 ,mrs4 ,c---- had judged from something said during our interview that the equipage belonged to me1 and that ,i had brought ,mrs4 ,d---- to see her instead of being the invited party4 ,i was now a resident of another city4 ,the story came to me by a circuitous route4 ,explanation was impracticable4 ,yet it is not six months since there fell under my eye a paragraph penned by the offended brother testifying that his opinion of my insignificant self remains unaltered4 ,had he or his sister suspended judgment until the evidence against my ladyhood and humanity could be investigated1 ,i should have had to look elsewhere for an incident with which to point the moral of my ,talk4 ,rising above the pettiness of spiteful grudge-bearing against a fellow-mortal1 let me say a word of the unholy restiveness with which we meet the disappointments which are the ,father's discipline of ,his own4 ,all these things are against me6 is a cry that has struck upon ,his loving heart until ,godlike patience is needed to bear with the fretful wail4 ,nothing that ,he lets fall upon us can be against us6 ,in ,his hottest fires we have but to hold still and bide ,his good time in order to see that all ,his purposes in us are mercy1 as well as truth to ,his promises4 ,in the ,hereafter deeded to us as a sure heritage1 we shall see that each was a part of ,his design for our best and eternal good4 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,,according ,,to ,,his ,,folly4 ,the hardest task ever set for mortal endeavor is for us to allow other people to know less than we know4 ,the failure to perform this task has kindled the fagots about the stake where heretics perished for obstinacy4 ,it is not a week1 by the way1 since ,i heard a woman1 gently nurtured and intellectual1 lament that those old ,pilgrim forefathers were so disagreeably obstinate4 ,she wondered that their generation did not send them to the scaffold instead of across the sea4 ,inability to suffer the rest of the world to be mistaken has set a nation by the ears1 broken hearts and fortunes1 and separated more chief friends than all other alienating causes combined4 ,many self-deluding souls set down their impatience with others' errors to a spirit of benevolence4 ,they love their friends too dearly1 they have too sincere a desire for the welfare of acquaintances1 to let them hold mischievous tenets4 ,the cause of variance may appear contemptible to an indifferent third party4 ,to the average reasoner who has no personal concern in the debate1 it may seem immaterial at what date ,mrs4 ,jenkyns paid her last visit to ,boston4 ,she is positive that it was in ,march1 #ahhi4 ,mr4 ,jenkyns is as certain that she accompanied him thither in ,april of that year4 ,she establishes her position by the fact that she left her baby for the first time when the cherub was ten months old1 and there is the ,family ,bible to prove that he was born ,may #aj1 #ahhh4 ,is she likely to be mistaken on such a point when she cried all night in ,boston and the bereft infant wailed all night in ,new ,york8 ,what does ,charles take her for8 ,hasn't he said1 himself1 dozens of times1 that there is no use arguing as to times and seasons with a woman who verifies these by her children's ages8 ,mr4 ,jenkyns has said so--but with a difference4 ,there is no use arguing with a woman in any circumstances1 whatsoever4 ,that ,emma tries to carry her point now by lugging in the poor little kid1 who has nothing whatever to do with the case1 is but another proof of the inconsequence of the sex4 ,he has the stub of his check-book to show that he paid the hotel bill in ,boston1 ,april #aa1 #ahhi4 ,figures cannot lie4 ,mrs4 ,charles ,jenkyns challenges the check-book on the spot--and the wrangle goes on until she seeks her chamber to have her cry out1 and he storms off to office or club1 irritated past forbearance by the pig-headed perversity of a creature he called angel with every third breath on their wedding journey to ,boston in #ahhf4 ,each of the combatants was confident1 after the first exchange of shots1 that the other was in error4 ,half an hour's quarreling left both doubly confident of the truth which was self-evident from the outset4 ,it is sadly probable that neither will ever confess1 to himself or to herself1 that the only wise course for either to pursue would have been to let ignorance have its perfect work1 by abstaining from so much as a hint of contradiction4 ,i don't see how you held your temper and your tongue6 said one man to another1 as a self-satisfied acquaintance strutted away from the pair after a monologue of ten minutes upon a matter of which both of his companions knew infinitely more than he4 ,i hadn't patience to listen to him1 much less answer him good-humoredly--he is such a fool6 ,i let him alone because he is a fool4 ,but he is puffed up by the fond impression that you agree with him6 ,that doesn't hurt me1--and waste of cellular tissue in such a cause would6 ,seest thou a man wise in his own conceit8 asks ,solomon4 ,there is more hope of a fool than of him4 ,which ,i take to mean that self-conceit is the rankest form of folly1 a sort of triple armor of defence against counter-statement and rebutting argument4 ,so far as my experience goes to prove a disheartening proposition1--all fools are wise 7to themselves7 in their own conceit4 ,the first evidence of true wisdom is humility4 ,one may be ignorant without being foolish4 ,lack of knowledge because the opportunity for acquiring it has been withheld1 induces in the human mind such conditions as we find in a sponge that has been cleaned and dried4 ,information fills and enlarges the pores4 ,ignorance that is content with itself is turgid and saturated4 ,it will take up no more1 no matter what is offered4 ,this is the form of folly which the preacher admonishes us to answer in kind4 ,the effort to force the truth upon the charged sponge is an exercise of mental muscle akin to the beating of the air1 deprecated by the ,apostle to the ,gentiles4 ,such stolid stupidity is incredible in a land where education is compulsory6 exclaimed a friend who1 having talked himself out of breath in the effort to persuade a rich vulgarian into belief of one of the simplest of philosophical principles1 had the mortification of seeing that his opponent actually flattered himself with the idea that he had come off victorious in the wordy skirmish4 ,one would have thought that living where he does1 and as he does1 he would have taken in such knowledge through the pores4 ,not if the pores were already full1 was a retort that shed new light into the educated mind4 ,folly has a law and language of its own with which intelligence intermeddles not4 ,the workings of an intellect at once untrained and self-sufficient are like the ways of ,infinite ,wisdom--past finding out4 ,philosophy and politeness harmonize in the effort to meet such intellects upon what they shall not suspect is made ground4 ,to apply to them the rules of conversation and debate you would use in intercourse with equals would be absurd1 and disagreeable alike to you and to themselves4 ,they would never forgive a plain statement of the difference between you and their guild4 ,as a matter of curious experiment1 ,i made the attempt once1 in a case of a handsome dolt1 who was1 nominally1 a domestic in my employ for a few months4 ,she had an affected pose and tread which she conceived to be majestic4 ,she was stupid1 awkward and slovenly about her work1 and altogether so impossible that ,i disliked to send her adrift upon the world1 and was still more averse to imposing her upon another household4 ,in a weak moment ,i essayed to reason her out of her fatuous vanity1 and stimulate in her a desire to make something better of herself4 ,she seemed to hearken while ,i represented mildly the expediency of learning to do her part in life well and creditably2 how conscience entered into the performance of duties some people considered mean2 how1 in this country1 a washerwoman is as worthy as the ,president's wife1 so long as she respects herself4 ,norah's impassive face had not changed1 but she interposed here3 ,beg pardon1 ma'am6 ,i've no thought of taking a hand with the washing4 ,i was silly enough to go on with what ,i had tried to make so plain that the wayfaring living-out girl could not err in taking it in4 ,i was willing to train her in the duties of her station4 ,i set forth1 and would have specified what these were1 but for a second interruption that was evidently not intentionally disrespectful1 and was uttered with the bovine stolidity that never forsook her4 ,excuse me1 ma'am1 but ,i've always understood that all that made a lady in ,ameriky was eddercation1 an' shure ,i have that 's well 's you6 ,she could read1 or so ,i suppose1 although ,i never saw a book in her hand1 and could probably write1 after the fashion of her class4 ,with a smile at my folly that struggled with a sigh over hers1 ,i let her go4 ,it was my fault not hers1 that ,i had bruised my fists thumping against a stone wall4 ,had ,i discoursed to her in ,bengalee she would have comprehended me no more imperfectly4 ,the doom of hopelessness was upon her4 ,she was not merely a fool1 but had taken the full degree as a self-satisfied blockhead4 ,i deserved what ,i got--and more of the same sort4 ,of a different type--being only a moderately conceited ignoramus1 was an otherwise well-educated woman whom ,i heard discourse volubly upon ceramics and a valuable collection of old china she had picked up in a foreign town4 ,among other kinds she named some choice bits of faience4 ,is not that used now as a general term for earthenware decorated with color8 asked a listener modestly4 ,oh1 by no means6 ,it is never applied except to a particular and exceedingly rare sort of pottery1 went on the connoisseur4 ,but perhaps you are not familiar with ceramic terms8 ,not as familiar as ,i should be1 ,i confess1 rejoined the other1 gently regretful4 ,a couple of years later1 ,i met the enthusiastic collector in the house of the other party to the dialogue1 and learned with her that our hostess was renowned for her treasures of old china1 and actually the author of a book upon ceramics4 ,what must she have thought of me the day ,i made such a fool of myself6 moaned the humbled woman in a corner to me4 ,and you know--as ,i have learned since1 as she knew all the time1--that 'faience' is used as a generic term6 ,well6 ,i have had my lesson in talking of what ,i do not understand4 ,how could she have answered me so civilly and gravely6 ,i was too sorry for her to put into words the thought of the proverbial answer1 according to his folly4 ,the incident had its moral and example for me too4 ,the recollection has beaten back many a vehement protest against egregious absurdity1 and helped me endure with apparent composure even the patronage of fools4 ,after all1 there are so many mistakes made by other people that affect nobody but themselves that ,don ,quixote might tire of tilting at them4 ,the more asinine the speaker the louder is his bray1 and the more surely do we encounter him in social and domestic haunts4 ,to dispute with him is to strengthen the stakes1 and twist harder the cords of his belief in himself4 ,in recognizing the truth1 so humiliating to human reason1 one wonders what effect would be produced by a determined regime of letting alone4 ,would what ,st4 ,james graphically describes as foaming out of their own shame1 finally froth itself into silence8 ,is not the opposition consequent upon the universal desire to set other people right1 the breath that blows the flame8 ,what would be the status of society1 what the atmosphere of our homes1 were each of us to curb the impulse to controvert doubtful1 but important1 statements3--to seem to acquiesce in--let us say1 in ,tom's declaration that there are forty black cats in the back yard1 and ,polly's opinion that ,susie ,jones is the prettiest girl in town1 when we consider her positively homely1 and so on to the end of the day's or week's or month's chapter8 ,if1 when we know that a man is a blatant vaporer1 we simply let him vapor1 and mind our own business2 if1 having gauged the measure of a woman's mind1 and found it only an inch deep1 we do not fret our souls by vain dredgings in a channel to-day that will fill up by to-morrow2 if we give the fool the benefit of his license2 and expend thought and care upon that which is hopeful and profitable--do we not prove ourselves prudent economists of time and labor8 ,the subject is practical1 and merits consideration4 ,in this working-day world of ours there is so much unavoidable pain1 and so much annoyance which we cannot overlook1 that sensible people cushion corners and shrink aside from brier-pricks4 ,we do ourselves actual physical harm when we lose temper2 the tart speech takes virtue out of us4 ,a woman would better fatigue herself by righting an untidy chamber than scold a servant for neglecting it4 ,foreigners comment surprisedly upon the anxious faces of ,american women even of the better class4 ,the inchoate condition of our domestic service has undoubtedly much to do with the premature seams that mar what would else be fair and sweet1 but ,i incline to the belief that more is due to a certain irritableness which is a national characteristic1--a restless desire to set everything right4 ,the zeal for reform is commendable1 but not always according to knowledge4 ,certain forms of folly cure themselves1 if not flattered by grave rebuke1 and others do not come within the province of her who has her hands full already4 ,it is easier for us all to find fault than to overlook4 ,it just drives our woman-reformer wild to hear some people talk6 ,the least aggressive of us knows for herself the impotent vexation of attempting to convince one who is too dull1 or too dogged1 to see reason4 ,why1 then1 yield to the disposition to attempt the impracticable8 ,if we would live worthily and live long1 we must school ourselves in the minor details of self-control and everyday philosophy that make up a useful and well-balanced life4 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,,buttered ,,parsnips4 ,i shall never forget the first time ,i heard the homely proverb1 once better known than now1 ,fine words butter no parsnips4 ,a bitter-tongued old lady1 with an eye like a hawk's1 and a certain suspicious turn of the head to this side and that which reminded one of the same bird of prey1 was discussing a new neighbor4 ,i don't hold with meaching ways at any time and in anybody1 said the thin croak1 made more husky by snuff1 a pinch of which she held between thumb and finger1 the joined digits punctuating her strictures4 ,and she's one of the fair-and-softy sort4 ,a pleasant word to this one1 and a smile to that1 and always recollecting who is sick1 and who is away from home1 and ready to talk about what pleases you1 and not herself1 and praising your biscuits and your bonnets and your babies1 and listening to you while you are talking as if there was nobody else upon earth4 ,like the octogenarian whose teeth gave out before his dry toast1 she hadn't finished1 but she stopped there1 being clean out of breath4 ,but ,mrs4 ,a46 ,i raised my girlish voice to reach the deaf ears4 ,i think all that is beautiful4 ,i only wish ,i could imitate her1 and be as popular and as much beloved4 ,humph6 inhaling the snuff spitefully4 ,she's too sweet to be wholesome4 ,fair words butter no parsnips4 ,look out for a tongue that's smooth on both sides4 ,what does the ,bible say of the hypocrite8 ',the words of his mouth were smoother than butter4' ,i'd rather have honest vinegar6 ,i stood too much in dread of her frankness to ask if sugar is never honest1 or to speculate audibly why she chose parsnips with their length of fibre and peculiar cloying sweet1 as types of daily living4 ,the adage seemed droll enough to me then1 and it is odd even now that ,i have become familiar with it in the talk of old-fashioned people4 ,interpreting it as they do1 ,i dispute it stoutly4 ,parsnips may be only passable to most palates even when buttered4 ,they would be intolerable with vinegar4 ,furthermore1--before we drop the figure1--if anything can butter them1 it is fair words4 ,this business which we call living is not easy at the best4 ,our parsnips are sometimes tough and stringy2 sometimes insipid2 often withered by drought or frost-bitten4 ,if served without sauce1 they--to quote our old-fashioned people again--go against the stomach4 ,there is a pernicious fallacy to the effect that a rough tongue is an honest one4 ,there are quite as many unpleasant untruths told as there are flattering falsehoods4 ,because a speech is kind it is not of necessity a lie1 nor does a remark gain in truth in direct ratio as it loses its politeness4 ,often the blunt criticism is the outcome of a savage instinct on the part of the perpetrator4 ,in ,america1 men and women 7always excepting ,italians7 do not carry poniards concealed in their breasts1 or swords at their sides4 ,in lieu of these the tongue is used to revenge an evil4 ,the ,psalmist exclaims3 ,let the righteous smite me2 it shall be a kindness2 and let him reprove me2 it shall be an excellent oil1 but the average representative of the nineteenth century will not echo his sentiment4 ,it may be that the righteous of that day had a more agreeable way of offering reproof than have the modern saints4 ,however that may be1 the excellent oil seems to have given place to corrosive sublimate and carbolic acid--neither of which1 applied in an undiluted form1 may be even remotely suspected of soothing an open wound4 ,true1 they are fatal to bacteria1 but at the same time they madden the sufferer as would coals of living fire4 ,even supposing one lays herself open to the charge of flattery1 is it not less of a fault than to merit the reputation for brutal fault-finding8 ,who would not rather be a healer than a scarifier8 ,faithful may be the wounds of a friend 7and on this word friend ,i lay special stress71 but the converse is also true4 ,faithful are his healings4 ,have you never had a whole day brightened by some seemingly chance remark which warmed the cockles of your heart with a delicious glow8 ,it may have been that you were disappointed in some cherished scheme--how much disappointed no one guessed and you were ashamed to confess4 ,it may have been that you were struggling to be brave and cheerful under some trial1 the weight of which you thought others could not appreciate4 ,the cheering word may only have been--,my dear1 how sweet you are looking to-day6 ,you do my old eyes good4 ,or perhaps an appreciative other-half has pressed your hand and whispered1 ,you are the bravest little woman in the world6 ,who does not remember how1 at such a time1 the unexpected sympathy or encouragement brought the quick tears to the eyes1 and to the cheeks the flush which meant a bound of joy from the heavy heart8 ,if we could but remember that we are told to speak the truth in love6 ,in love1 recollect1--not in temper4 ,do not be the accursed one by whom the offences come4 ,they will come4 ,the ,evil ,one will look out for that1 but it is not worth while for you to make his work too easy4 ,determine to train yourself strictly to see the many excellent qualities possessed by your associates1 and you will be surprised to find that before long the disagreeable traits will only appear as foils for the good4 ,cultivate an eye for pleasant characteristics1 and do not encourage people who are prone to rough speech4 ,frown down the blunt expression of opinion and it will cease to be considered praiseworthy frankness4 ,the woman of whom the ,royal ,preacher speaks1 in whose tongue was the law of kindness1 probably showed that kindness by being agreeable1 or we may be sure no human being of the masculine gender would have considered her price far above rubies2 nor add with such sublime confidence--her husband also1 and he praises her4 ,one such woman never forgot to thank anyone for the slightest favor1 and ,i have seen a burly and phlegmatically sombre policeman smile with unexpected pleasure at receiving the sweet-faced thank you6 with which she always acknowledged his pilotage over a crowded street-crossing4 ,it is time that people comprehended that it is not their duty to be disagreeably frank1 when another's comfort is the price thereof4 ,an unkind sentence has the power of lodgment in the mind4 ,it is like the red chigoe which inserts his tiny head in the flesh and burrows until he causes a throbbing fester4 ,for instance1 ,i have never forgotten a speech which was addressed to me over twenty years ago4 ,it was just after we had built an unpretending1 but thoroughly cozy summer cottage1 nestled in a grove of trees that threw long shadows into a silvery lake4 ,the man in question told me he never saw our light at night from the other side of the pretty sheet of water that it did not remind him of a charcoal-burner's hut in the heart of a wilderness4 ,it would be of interest to ascertain why this needlessly unkind remark was made4 ,since there were at least one or two pleasant features in the landscape1 why could he not call attention to them8 ,it is not necessary that we should flatter1 but let us be lavishly generous with what ,french cooks call sauce agreable1 since parsnips must be eaten4 ,some efforts in this line remind me of a story ,i recently heard of a farmer who received at a ,new ,york restaurant the customary small pat of butter with his ,vienna roll4 ,imperiously beckoning to a waiter1 he commanded him to wipe that grease spot off that plate1 and bring him some butter6 ,let us give more than the grease spot4 ,better go to the other extreme1 and drown our friend's neglected parsnips in fresh1 pure un-oleomargarined1 and entirely sweet butter4 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,,is ,,marriage ,,reformatory8 ,to no other estate are there so many varieties of phases as to that of matrimony4 ,like the music of ,saint ,ccilia and old ,timotheus combined1 it is capable of raising a mortal to the skies1 or of bringing an angel down to the lowest depths of misery4 ,at the best the betrothed couple can never say with absolute certainty--,after marriage we shall be happy4 ,the experience of wedded life is alarmingly like that of dying--each man and woman must know it for himself and herself1 and no other human being can share its trials or its joys4 ,the mistake the prospective wife makes is in obstinately closing her eyes to the fact that married life has any trials which are not far outbalanced by its pleasures4 ,marriage does not change man or woman4 ,the impressive ceremony over1 the bridal finery laid aside1 the last strain of the wedding-march wafted into space1 and the orange-flowers dead and scentless1--,john becomes once more plain1 everyday ,john1 with the same good traits which first won his ,mary's heart1 and the many disagreeable characteristics that exasperated his mother and sisters4 ,and ,mary1 being a woman1 and no more of a saint than is her life-partner1 will also be exasperated4 ,if ,john is an honest gentleman who loves ,mary1 the chances for her happiness depend upon her common-sense and her love for ,john4 ,it is utterly impossible to have too much of the last-named commodity4 ,it will be all needed1 well-blended with the divine attribute of patience1 and judiciously seasoned with woman's especial gift--tact1 to enable man and wife to live together peaceably for one year4 ,moreover1 ,mary must understand that ,john the lover and ,john the husband have very different ways of showing affection4 ,the lover would loiter evening after evening waiting for other guests to go home that he might have time for a few tender words with his sweetheart4 ,woman's logic reasons1--what more natural when he has hours of time than for him to keep on saying those same tender words1 only very many more of them8 ,the fact remains that he does not4 ,after the kiss of welcome on his arrival home at the close of day1 he is unsentimental enough to want his dinner1 and1 that disposed of1 he buries himself behind his newspaper1 from which perhaps he does not emerge before nine o'clock when he is ready to talk to ,mary and to be entertained by her4 ,and yet this ,john of whom ,i am talking is as good morally1 as faithful and conscientious in his manly way as ,mary in her womanly4 ,but--suppose he were not a good man1 what then8 ,could the mere fact of his union with her change his entire nature8 ,a good man may be made better by association with a good woman2 a man with repressed evil tendencies may have them held more firmly in check by his wife's restraining influence1 but no woman should undertake to make over a man who has given way to the wicked passions of his being until they are beyond his control4 ,he will not be made a reputable member of society and a bright and shining light to the community in which he dwells1 by marrying4 ,he does not go into the new life as a sort of ,keeley cure1--a reformatory institution4 ,a woman's strongest and weakest point is her power of idealizing every cold fact with which she comes in contact4 ,she loves a handsome rou4 ,he tells her that if she will but take him in training she can make a new man of him2 that her fair hand can wipe all the dark spots from his past life1 smooth the rough places and elevate the depressions in his character until it will be once more goodly to contemplate4 ,and over the stereopticon view of the man his fiance throws the rosecolored light of her idealistic lantern1 and believes all he says4 ,of course during their engagement he frequently slips back into the old path1 sometimes has a downfall that shocks and horrifies her who would reform him1 but1 once more trimming and turning up the wick1 she bathes him in the pink light and remembers that he is not yet as entirely under her influence as he will be some day4 ,she would think it cruel injustice were some unprejudiced observer to suggest that if he cannot change his life when the possibilities of winning her are at stake1 he will hardly do so when the prize is his own4 ,it is doubtful if a man whose whole nature has become stunted1 warped and foul by sin1 has in him the ability to love a true woman as she deserves to be loved4 ,i do not mean to intimate that his devotion to her is feigned1 but it is only such attachment as he is capable of1 and is no more to be compared with the unselfish love that she freely lavishes upon him1 than the mud-begrimed slush which settles in city gutters to the snowy blanket covering country fields4 ,beauty and the ,beast may be a pretty fairy-tale1 but in the realism of practical life it assumes the guise of a tragedy that makes the looker-on shudder with disgustful pity4 ,my heart aches when ,i think of the women who began the work of reformation with hope and laid it down with despair at the end of a life that made them turn weary arms to death with a sigh of welcome4 ,on the table before me stands the portrait of one such woman4 ,when she was a merry-hearted girl1 she fell in love with a handsome1 brilliant young fellow1 whose only failing was a dangerous fondness for liquor4 ,he loved her deeply--better than anything else in the world--except drink4 ,nevertheless1 he promised to overcome even this passion for her sake4 ,during the month immediately preceding their marriage1 he came twice into her presence intoxicated4 ,in vain did her family plead and protest4 ,her only answer was3 ,harry cannot keep straight without some one to help him4 ,i must marry him now4 ,he needs me6 ,two years after her marriage she died of a broken heart1 whispering at the last to a dear friend that she was not sorry to go1 but would be thankful life was over if she were only sure that her year-old baby would not be left to ,harry's care4 ,yet he was in most respects tender and considerate4 ,the trouble was that his devotion to her remained at the point at which it stood when he became her husband4 ,the habit of intemperance grew4 ,suppose that1 added to this great fault1 had been others still more vicious4 ,had his been a coarse brutal nature1 would not the idea of reformation have been still more hopeless8 ,a woman1 in tying herself for life to an unprincipled man who has yielded to the dictates of sin year after year1 forgets that he has lost to a great extent his better nature and is now hardly responsible for his actions4 ,the spirit may indeed be willing1 but the flesh is lamentably weak4 ,the appetites that have been long indulged do not relinquish their claims after only a few months' restraint1 and when the girl for whose sake they have been repressed is won1 they will return to the swept and garnished room1 and the last end of their victim will be worse than the first4 ,i often wonder what a good1 pure woman promises herself when she proposes to entwine her clean life with one that is scarred1 seamed and blackened4 ,evade the truth as she may1 there are but two courses for her to pursue4 ,she must either live a lonely life apart from her husband's1 frowning down1 or silently showing disapproval of his habits1 or she must1 to preserve peace and the semblance of happiness1 bring herself down to his level and become even less delicate and more degraded than he4 ,for is not a coarse woman always more abhorrent than a coarse man8 ,there are the instincts of her entire moral and physical nature to be cast aside before she can descend to vulgarity4 ,in the one case her husband will hate her1 while in the other she will lose his respect and will despise herself4 ,an evil life so blunts the conscience that the wife of an unreformed man need hardly expect him to be faithful to her4 ,if a man will sin against common decency1 morality and social codes1 he will sin against his wife4 ,there is another aspect of the case to be considered4 ,the ,american girl of to-day seldom takes the possibility of offspring into her matrimonial plans4 ,they are not only a possibility1 but a probability1 and it behooves every woman to cast aside false modesty1 and with a pure heart and honest soul seriously consider if she is not doing irreparable wrong to unborn children in giving them an unprincipled father4 ,is she willing to see her children's blood tainted by his vices1 their lives wrecked by evil temptations inherited from him8 ,she must1 indeed1 be a reckless woman and a soulless1 who1 with this thought uppermost can still say1 ,i will marry this man--let the consequences be what they may6 ,that a man has some redeeming qualities does not make him a life-companion to be desired above all others4 ,said a poor ,irish woman3 ,pat is always a good husband1 savin' the toimes he's in liquor6 ,when is he sober8 asked a bystander4 ,sure an' his money gin'rally gives out by ,friday mornin'1 and from that on to ,saturday night1 he can't git a dhrop4 ,faith1 but he's koind and consid'rate at sich a time6 ,did the loyal soul find that marriage paid8 ,one great mistake that many silly women make is to think that a dash of wickedness makes a man more attractive4 ,years ago ,i heard a girl say3 ,i want to know ,jack ,s4 ,he has been very wild1 and a man is so much more interesting for being a little naughty1 you know4 ,i did not know1 nor do ,i now understand why pearls should plead to be thrown before swine1 or fresh-blown roses upon the dung-hill4 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,,john',s ,,mother4 ,one of the oldest problems among the many seemingly contradictory examples set for the student of human nature has to do with the different positions assigned to mother and mother-in-law4 ,painters1 poets1 divines1 sages1--the inspired ,word itself1--rank the mother's office as the noblest assigned to creatures of mortal mould4 ,mother-love and the love of the dear ,father of us all are compared1 the one with the other4 ,of all human affections1 this1 the first that takes root in the infant's heart1 is the last to die out under the blighting influence of vice1 the deadening blows of time4 ,my ,mother is spoken by the world-hardened citizen with a gentler inflection1--a reverential cadence1 as if the inner man stood with uncovered head before a shrine4 ,mother-in-law6 ,the words call a smile that is too often a sneer to lips in which dwells habitually the law of kindness1 while lampoon1 caricature1 jest and song find in them theme and catchword for mockery and insult4 ,i witnessed1 not long ago1 the skillful impersonation of a husband who held in his hand a letter just received from his wife4 ,the first page informed him that after his departure from home his wife's mother had arrived2 the second1 that she intended to remain during the winter2 the third1 that she had been taken suddenly and violently ill2 and the fourth1 that she was dead4 ,the reader spoke no word while perusing the epistle1 but his facial play attested his emotions better than speech could have done4 ,his countenance was grave on learning of the visit1 desperate at the thought of its length1 and expressed annoyance at the inconvenience of her illness while under his roof2 when the final page was reached1 his features became illumined with ecstatic joy4 ,dropping the letter1 he clasped his hands1 and1 raising his eyes1 ejaculated with blissful fervor-- ,thank ,heaven6 she's dead6 ,of course we laughed4 ,it was expected of us4 ,nevertheless1 this kind of jesting has its effect4 ,it is dangerous playing with edged tools that would be better laid aside and allowed to rust instead of being brought forward where they may do mischief4 ,the relation of mother-in-law and son-or daughter-in-law ought to be what ,i am glad to think it sometimes is1 one of perfect harmony4 ,the mother who has brought up a daughter to woman's estate1 and made her fit to be the wife of a good man and the mother of his children1 should be appreciated by the man who profits by the wife's mother's teachings4 ,had this mother been careless and negligent1 allowing the daughter to cultivate traits that make her husband wretched1 how quick would he be to lay the blame where it belongs1--upon the mother who trained1 or left untrained the daughter4 ,why should he not give credit to the same source8 ,there are many women who1 to their shame be it said1 openly sneer at their mothers-in-law1 and ridicule their manners1 habits1 etc4 ,yet1 in the same breath1 the woman of this class will freely state that she has the best husband in all creation4 ,whose influence made him the man he is1 if not the mother's with whom1 for so many years1 he was the first and dearest care1 until she uncomplainingly saw him leave her home with the girl he married8 ,husband and wife do not look into the matter deeply enough to think what underlies this dislike for the other's mother4 ,the man who truly loves his wife will do all in his power and make any self-sacrifice to further her happiness4 ,if she is not an exceptional woman1 she will be made happier by his affection for the mother to whom she is devoted1 and miserable by a lack of this sentiment4 ,let us argue the case according to rule4 ,it makes ,mary happy if ,john is fond of her mother1 and unhappy if he is not4 ,if ,john loves ,mary he wishes to make her happy4 ,ergo1 when he shows his love for her mother he is likewise giving evidence of his love for ,mary4 ,so1 when ,i hear a so-called devoted wife cast unkind slurs upon her mother-in-law1 ,i wonder how genuine is the affection for her husband which allows her to make him unhappy by awaking in his breast suspicions that his mother is distasteful to his wife4 ,true love would hardly be so cruel4 ,what if ,john's mother has disagreeable peculiarities8 ,she is none the less his mother1 and1 as such1 he is bound to love and respect her4 ,if the love he bears her blinds him to her deficiencies1 is it not the part of a true wife to keep his eyes closed to these foibles1 since seeing them will make him uncomfortable8 ,every man likes to feel that his dear mother and dearer wife are congenial friends4 ,and it is their duty to be friendly1 if not congenial4 ,the mother-in-law1 too1 has her task4 ,it would be folly to state that she is not often and grossly to blame for the uncomfortable state of this relationship4 ,she is frequently a trifle jealous1 sometimes fails to remember how she felt when young1 resents her child's love for1 and dependence on1 another1 feels bitterly that she no longer has it in her power to make her darling's happiness1 and has such a high ideal of what should be the qualities of the partner her girl has chosen that she puts his faults under a magnifying glass of criticism until the molehills become mountains1 and appreciation of the good is swallowed up in recognition of every evil trait4 ,happily1 this is not always the case1 and the genuine mother is1 as a rule1 so grateful to see her child happy that for his or her sake she loves the one who causes this contentment1 even if he or she be far from congenial to herself1 and not the man she would have picked out for her daughter to marry4 ,i have serious doubts as to whether the existing antagonism would have been half so prevalent had not such a multitude of coarse jokes been perpetrated on the subject4 ,the best way to perpetuate an evil is to take it for granted and to speak of it as a matter of course4 ,i am glad to be able to name among my friends more than one man who is large-souled enough to tenderly love and respect his wife's mother1 and several women who frankly acknowledge that their own special mothers-in-law are all goodness and kindness4 ,it is natural that people brought up differently1 and living separately for a long term of years1 should1 when thrown into close relationship1 differ on many subjects1 and clash in various opinions1 and that occasional misunderstandings should arise4 ,even with husband and wife this is true4 ,but if man and woman can1 for the affection they bear each other1 forgive and forget these little differences1 why may not each1 for the same sweet love's sake1 and in the thought of what maternal devotion is1 pardon and overlook the foibles of the other's mother8 ,one evil effect of pasquinade and sneer is to put the prospective daughter-in-law on the defensive1 and prepare her mind1 unconsciously to herself1 to regard her future husband's mother as her natural enemy4 ,many a girl marries with the preconceived notion that1 to preserve her individual rights1 and to rule in her own small household1 she must carefully guard against the machinations of the much-decried mother-in-law4 ,nine times out of ten1 had not this thought become slowly but securely rooted in past years1 the intercourse between the two women might be all peace and harmony4 ,the young wife's mind is1 insensibly to her1 poisoned before she enters the dreaded relation 7in law74 ,she is on the alert1 defensive1 ready to impute motives to the mother-in-law she would never dream of attributing to her own parent1 in like circumstances4 ,yet1 many a girl has never known what maternal love means until at her marriage she was welcomed by the open arms and large heart of her husband's mother4 ,it is not only orphan girls who have this experience1 for some parents never bestow upon their children the peculiar brooding tenderness which all young people need1 even when they have almost attained man's and woman's estate4 ,said one youthful matron to me--,my own mother has been an invalid for so many years that ,i have not felt that ,i could go to her with all my worries and perplexities1 for my annoyances only added to her troubles4 ,therefore1 never until ,i was married did ,i know what real mothering meant4 ,then my husband's mother seemed as much mine as his4 ,i was her daughter4 ,when my first baby was coming1 all the dainty little garments were furnished by this grandmamma1 and her care and tenderness for me were such that the remembrance of them fills my heart to overflowing with gratitude4 ,another woman told me with a moved smile that she was so fortunate a woman as to have two mothers1 while a man ,i know openly declares that his mother-in-law is the best mother in the world1--next to his own mother4 ,one elderly woman1 who has been a mother-in-law five times1 informed me the other day that in her heart she knew little difference between her own daughters and sons and their respective husbands and wives4 ,you see1 she said1 they are all my dear children4 ,i cite these instances merely to prove how happily harmonious this oft-abused state may be1 and what a pity it is that it should ever be otherwise4 ,if you1 my reader1 do not enjoy the relationship1 allow me to suggest a cure for the trouble4 ,put your own mother--or daughter--in the place of the offender1 and act according to the light thrown upon the subject by this shifting of positions4 ,say to yourself--,this woman means well1 but she does not know me yet well enough to understand just how to put things in the way to which ,i have been accustomed4 ,she loves ,john so well that she seems unjust or inconsiderate to me4 ,she could not1 in the eyes of ,john's wife1 have a better excuse for hasty speech or harsh action4 ,the love you both bear this same oft-perplexed ,john should be at once solvent and cement1 melting hardness1 and uniting seemingly antagonistic elements4 ,above all things1 as ,john's wife1 never criticise his mother to him4 ,if he sympathizes with you1 he is disloyal to his mother2 if not1 you consider him unfeeling1 and immediately accuse him of taking sides against you4 ,think for one moment of your own boy1 perhaps still a mere baby4 ,does it not1 even now1 grieve you to the heart to think that the day will come when he will discuss and acknowledge your faults to anyone1 albeit his listener is only his wife8 ,if ,john is the man he should be1 he fancies that his mother is a creature all too bright and good to be criticised1 and1 as you want your son to have the same opinion of his mother1 uphold ,john in his fealty1 and scorn to destroy such blessed love and faith4 ,make the effort to see ,john's mother with his eyes1 and by so doing make him love you better1 and prove yourself worthy to be the wife of a true man and the mother of a son who will be as leal and steadfast as his father4 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,,and ,,other ,,relations-,,in-,,law ,the other day ,i chanced to be a listener to the conversation of two young married women4 ,they were making their plans for the coming week4 ,one of them remarked1 drearily3 ,henry's sister and her husband are to spend next ,sunday with me4 ,are they6 exclaimed the other4 ,and my husband's father and mother are to honor me by a visit on the same day4 ,for a moment there was silence1 then ,no4 #a said in an awed voice3 ,my dear1 you and ,i need the prayers of the congregation4 ,we are both objects of pity4 ,our relations-in-law are upon us6 ,within my secret self ,i pondered whether or not the visitors dreaded the expected ordeal as much as the visited did4 ,the phrases1 my husband's relatives1 my wife's family1 are seldom pronounced without an accompanying bitter thought4 ,john tolerates ,mary's kin1 and ,mary regards ,john's father and mother1 sisters and brothers with an ill-concealed distrust and enmity4 ,sometimes there is just cause for this antagonistic feeling2 more frequently it is the outcome of custom4 ,it is fashionable to regard connections by marriage as necessary evils4 ,some families1 resolved to make the best of that which is inevitable1 put a smiling face upon the whole matter1 and hide from the outside world the knowledge of their chagrin4 ,no mother has ever seen the girl she thought quite good enough for her boy whom she considers the model of all that is noble and manly1 while that sister is rare who feels that the wife chosen by her favorite brother is what the dear boy really needs as a life-long companion4 ,once in a great while1 when the chosen bride by some remarkable chance happens to suit the family fancy1 the whole world is informed of the fact1 and the bride elect inwardly pronounces ,john's blood relations to be awfully gushing or desperately hypocritical4 ,the happy medium is difficult of attainment4 ,of course there are some exceptions to the general rule of antagonism4 ,and ,i am glad to believe that sometimes1 even when this feeling exists1 husband and wife are too considerate of one another's comforts to betray any sign of discontent4 ,said a woman to me3 ,my dear1 ,mrs4 ,s4 is ,john's mother1 and it is my duty to conceal from him the fact that she is disagreeable to me4 ,i could be a much happier woman for never seeing my mother-in-law again1 but my husband must never suspect it4 ,the dear fellow flatters himself that his wife and mother 'hit it off so well together4' ,to our credit be it said1 that we have never enlightened him as to the true state of affairs4 ,and for the sake of the man they both loved1 these women refrained from outward evidence of the intense dislike each felt for the other4 ,the trouble begins very far back4 ,when the boy is laughingly warned against the girl with a family1 and the girl is reminded that this or that jolly fellow has a dragon of a mother1 the evil seed is sown4 ,from that time until the pair are forever united at the altar1 it grows1 and with marriage it begins to bring forth the unpeaceable fruits of endless dissensions4 ,i sometimes wonder if the new life could be begun with a predisposition towards amity1 what the result would be4 ,there is fault on both sides from the beginning4 ,it is an accepted proverb that no house is large enough to hold two families1 and certainly no family is large enough to contain two factions4 ,as soon as the son of the household marries1 an antagonistic element is introduced4 ,mother and sisters immediately bring to bear upon the new bride opera-glasses of criticism1--viewing faults through the small end1 and virtues through the large4 ,it would be strange indeed if two women who have never met until the younger one was of a marriageable age1 should have the same methods of housekeeping1 etc4 ,but the mother-in-law is inclined to believe that ,john's wife should do things her way1 and that any other way is slovenly1 new-fangled1 or ridiculous4 ,the son's wife--possessing her share of individuality--resents the interference1 and shows that resentment4 ,too often1 alas6 both make the dreary mistake of retailing their sorrows to ,john1 and then the breach becomes too wide ever to be bridged over4 ,unless ,john is an exceptionally independent man he will attempt in his clumsy way to bring both women to the same way of thinking1 and the result would be ludicrous were it not also pitiful4 ,the chances are nine hundred and ninety-nine to one thousand that he will succeed in making his mother feel that he is unduly influenced by his silly wife1 while said wife thinks indignantly that ,john is1 and always will be1 under his mother's thumb4 ,i firmly believe that ,mary is often to blame for ,john's dislike for her family4 ,when she marries1 she revels in the new and delightful sensation of having some one to take her part1 and sympathize with her in all her petty annoyances and big troubles4 ,her father1 mother1 sisters and brothers often vex her1 and what more natural than that she should pour her tale of woe into the young husband's ears8 ,he is delightfully indignant and full of pity for her and resentment towards those who have caused her discomfort4 ,at all events he understands her6 ,by the time the story is told and she is duly consoled she has forgotten her injuries4 ,she loves her family1 and while they are sometimes very trying1 who could expect her to bear a grudge against the dear ones8 ,the little burst of anger over1 she feels towards them as she has always felt and banishes from her mind all thought of the little occurrence4 ,not so1 ,john6 ,his wife 7and the possessive pronoun casts about her an atmosphere of importance7 has been made uncomfortable1 and he is up in arms4 ,his and no one's else is the right to criticise ,mary4 ,what business have these people to interfere8 ,he immediately becomes his wife's most ardent champion1 and while he muses the fire burns1 until he is ready to take the poor little woman away from all her inconsiderate relatives4 ,what is his chagrin on discovering that the woman who1 but a few hours ago sobbed out to him her wrongs1 has seemingly overlooked all injuries1 and is just as fond of sister and brother1 and quite as dependent upon ,papa and ,mamma as she ever was4 ,in vain he protests and calls to her mind their injustice4 ,yes1 she remembers it1 now that he speaks of it1 but the dear people meant nothing unkind1 they love her dearly at heart4 ,for her part she could not take to heart a little thing like that4 ,and ,john remarks that if she is mean-spirited enough to pass by such an occurrence1 he has nothing to say4 ,it is her family1 thank goodness1 not his6 ,after this1 he is more quick than ever before to detect a fancied slight and to resent it4 ,mary laments secretly that ,john does not love her family4 ,it is a genuine grief to her1 and she does not appreciate the fact that she herself began the work that has now gone too far to check4 ,were ,i to give a piece of advice to a bride1 it would be--,never complain to your husband of the actions of a single member of your family1 and never find fault with his nearest of kin4 ,your liege lord may disapprove of the members of his own family1 or perhaps of some of his mother's characteristics1 and he may talk to you of them4 ,but he will hotly resent your mention of them1 and will exercise all his masculine ingenuity to prove that his relatives always mean to act for the best1--exactly what you would have him believe of your nearest and dearest4 ,a woman who has never had a suspicion of difference with her relations-in-law1 confides to me of the course she has pursued throughout her married life4 ,she says3 ,i have never told ,charlie that ,i notice the faults of his family1 nor have ,i ever called his attention to any of their foibles4 ,in that way ,i have prevented him from feeling that he must side with them against me4 ,he comes to me often with the story of some difference he has had with his mother1 and he talks freely of his sister's failings and his brother's inconsistencies4 ,he even sometimes gets righteously indignant1 and fairly sputters4 ,inwardly1 ,i chuckle with amusement1 and outwardly ,i appear sympathetic1 but never a word do ,i say to commit myself4 ,it is his family1 and if there is a row1 ,i1 to quote ,young ,america1 'am not in it4' ,i happen to know that this woman's husband's family think that ,charlie has a none-such of a wife1 and that they are all fond of her4 ,if tact and diplomacy are ever exercised1 it must be in the management of relations-in-law4 ,the thought that so often the state is one of hatred1 or1 at best1 tolerance1 makes the position of all concerned strained and delicate4 ,to many a mother the term mother-in-law is a much-dreaded appellation4 ,a woman upon whom this doubtful honor has recently been laid1 said to me3 ,i hope my boy will never set his wife against me by asking her to 'do things as his mother did4' ,i shudder to think of it4 ,i want him to tell her that the mince and pumpkin pies1 biscuits1 muffins1 and even gingerbread1 made by his wife are vastly superior to any ever produced by his mother4 ,i would rather take the second place in my son's affections than have my new daughter for one moment think of me as her 'mother-in-law4' ,i believe that this is the sincere sentiment of more than one fond mother1 as ,i am also sure that many a fond wife would rather have her husband loved by her own family than to receive so much affection herself4 ,she is sure of her position1 but ,john is a dreadful relation-in-law1 and it is hard to love such4 ,it is sad to think such a mother or wife makes a fatal mistake from the very start1 and herself brings about the state of affairs she dreads4 ,the recognition of a fact often seems to make it doubly true4 ,the knowledge that relations-in-law are frequently relations-at-war1 predisposes both parties to unjust judgment4 ,did each determine to see all the good possible in the other1 connections-by-marriage might become kin-at-heart4 ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,a ,,timid ,,word ,,for ,,the ,,step-,,mother4 ,at a luncheon party of a dozen women which ,i attended last winter1 this very topic was introduced4 ,strangely enough1 there were present three women whose mothers had died while the children were still infants1 and whose fathers had married again1 and two women who were themselves step-mothers4 ,each of the three who could not remember her own mother agreed that she who took her place had filled it so conscientiously that the child hardly felt the lack4 ,the two step-mothers confessed that they loved their husbands' children as dearly as their own4 ,said one woman3 ,when people speak to me of my step-daughter ,i have to stop and think which one of the children ,i did not bring into the world4 ,she is as dear to me as my own flesh and blood4 ,after we had gleaned all the evidence of truth from the chaff to which we are sometimes treated1 a lively member of the company remarked ruefully3 ,i declare1 all that ,i have just heard makes me positively ashamed that ,i did not have a step-mother1 or that there is no prospect as far as ,i can see into the dim future1 of my ever becoming one4 ,there is something to be said on both sides1 and we may as well face the facts without prejudice4 ,no woman1 however tender1 can really take an own mother's place4 ,her step-children may think that she does1 and this is one of the instances where ignorance is such genuine bliss that it would be cruel folly to enlighten it4 ,it would not be natural if actual mother-love could be felt by a woman toward any children save those for whom she has braved the danger of death and the mightiest pain mortal can know4 ,with this suffering comes a love far greater than the anguish1 a passionate devotion which1 we are certain1 must reach beyond the grave itself4 ,that mother who1 having young children1 still wishes to die1 is an anomaly rarely met with4 ,no matter how much she may be forced to endure1 she still prays to live for her sons' and daughters' sakes4 ,a poor sufferer once said3 ,if ,i had no child ,i would beg the good ,lord to let me die4 ,but while my baby lives1 ,i beg ,him to spare this life which is too valuable to ,him to be lost4 ,it is not possible that an outsider whose own the sheep are not should know this heaven-given feeling4 ,still1 every unselfish mother will acknowledge that were she dying1 she would be comforted to know that her children would find some conscientious1 true foster-mother who would bring them up just as faithfully and tenderly as she knew how to do4 ,there is no more forlorn being on this wide earth than a widower with little children1 and with no woman-relative to help him look after them4 ,why then this rooted hatred and horror of step-mothers8 ,you--my step-mother reader--are sadly unfortunate if anyone has been so cruel to you and your charges as to instil into their minds an aversion for you with whom they must live for years1 perhaps all their lives4 ,but1 perhaps1 after all1 the case is not so bad as you fear4 ,you may have a morbid sensitiveness on the subject which makes it look very dark to you4 ,even if matters are as you think1 if you try conscientiously to overcome the children's prejudice1 and your husband aids you in your efforts1 you are bound to live down their dislike4 ,children are tender-hearted and clear-sighted4 ,they will soon judge for themselves1 and the one rule against which they will not rebel is that of love4 ,the first thing for you to do is to begin with your own feelings4 ,make yourself love the little ones4 ,unless they are unusually unattractive the task will not be a difficult one4 ,perhaps you love them already4 ,if so1 half the battle is won4 ,in driving a restless horse1 it is absolutely essential that you should not be at all nervous yourself4 ,every horseman will tell you that the animal knows instinctively the character of the person managing him4 ,if a thrill of fear touches him who holds the reins1 the horse responds to it as to an electric shock1 and becomes almost beside himself with nervousness4 ,if a firm1 steady1 yet gentle grasp is on the lines1 the creature obeys in spite of himself4 ,this same principle applies to children4 ,if you cannot control yourself the children know it1 and you may as well give up all idea of curbing them4 ,the nervous twitching at the bit and the attempt to govern them by reason of your superior age or knowledge aggravates the evil4 ,it is a mistake to forget that children are human beings1 with sensitive feelings like our own1 only not as hardened and used to the ways of this unsympathetic world as we are4 ,their government must have love at its beginning1 continuing and ending if it would be successful4 ,you may as well recognize the fact first as last that you are laboring under a disadvantage in that the hyphenized step must precede your name of mother4 ,this being the case1 you have need to add to your love patience1 and to that tact1 and to that pity4 ,if the children exasperate you1 do not let them guess it4 ,keep a rigid guard upon the harsh tongue4 ,if the demon of ,impatience tempts you to utter the quick ,stop that noise6 or ,do be quiet6--seal your lips as surely as if life and death depended upon your silence4 ,your most severe critics will not be slow in discovering that you love them too much to scold or be cross4 ,you make tremendous strides towards their love when they cannot point to a single unjust act that you commit against them4 ,it may be well in passing to remind you that boys and girls remember an injustice for many years4 ,they themselves are often fair enough to acknowledge after the first flush of anger is over1 that they merited a punishment which they have received4 ,as a rule1 until they are old men and women1 they do not forget the undeserved blow1 the unprovoked sarcasm4 ,we many times receive patiently1 as grown men and women1 reminders that we are doing wrong1 but we find it hard to pardon the person who accuses us falsely4 ,the most powerful auxiliary love can have in accomplishing its end is tact4 ,some people have more than others1 but at all times it may be cultivated4 ,perhaps the best rule by which to learn it is the old one of ,put yourself in his place4 ,reverse the positions as in ,anstey's ,vice ,vers1 and imagine yourself a hot-headed1 sore-hearted1 prejudiced child1 with a step-mother against whom your mind has been poisoned by those older and presumably wiser than yourself4 ,how would you receive this or that correction8 ,acquire the habit of thus putting the matter before your mind's eye1 and you will soon find that tactful patience becomes second nature4 ,if you can possibly avoid it1 do not correct the children in the presence of other people1 or complain to their father of them4 ,if he once reproves them with the prefix1 ,your mother tells me that you have done so-and-so1 he has laid the foundations of a distrust difficult to remove4 ,rather let them domineer over you than try to manage them by appealing to their father1 and1 thus making them feel sure that you are attempting to prejudice him against them4 ,they are naturally suspicious1 and it will take very little to make them positively certain that you are their natural enemy4 ,never fail to remember the great and irreparable loss which these children have suffered in the death of the only person in the wide world who could thoroughly understand them4 ,if you had a mother to help you in your childhood1 you will know what they miss1 or1 if you1 too1 were a lonely little being1 let the memory of that loneliness make you lovingly pitiful towards the children who suffer in the same way4 ,such pity soon leads to an unconquerable love4 ,bear in mind in justification of what may seem like unreasonable prejudice1 that all children have heard many stories1 some of which are true1 of the cruelties of step-parents4 ,doubtless1 you in your own life1 have known of more than one second wife who was jealous of her husband's love for the first wife's children4 ,when women are heartless they are desperately cruel1 and do not hesitate to vent their hatred upon the little ones whose look1 ,mrs4 ,browning tells us1-- is dread to see1 ,for they mind you of their angels in high places1 ,with eyes turned on ,deity4 ,she also reminds those whose consciences are so hardened by selfishness that they dare be cruel to the mere babies in their care that-- ,the child's sob in the darkness curses deeper ,than the strong man in his wrath4 ,we have not to do in this ,talk with this type of woman1 but with beings of the mother-sex who would1 if they were allowed1 make life brighter for the bereaved little ones4 ,one way to keep step-children's affection is to talk to them often and reverently of their own mother4 ,this is due to them and to her who bare them4 ,do not allow them to forget her1 and guard against the entrance of any jealous feeling into this sacred duty of keeping her memory fresh4 ,the children were hers1 and in the eternal home will be hers again4 ,they are only lent to you as a sacred trust4 ,it is not sacrilegious to believe that their mother knows of your efforts to make them good men and women1 and that she1 as their guardian angel1 will not forget to bless her who gives her life to the children who were once the sweetest flowers her own bosom ever bore4 ,,chapter ,,xix4 ,,children ,,as ,,helpers4 ,a correspondent inquires whether or not children ought to be trained to do housework and to make themselves useful in the numerous ways in which the young hands and feet can save the older ones4 ,unless you expect to be a millionaire many times over1 and in perpetuity--emphatically ,yes6 ,it is not necessary that your little daughter should become a drudge2 that she should have imposed upon her tasks beyond her strength1 or which interfere with out-door exercise and merry in-door play4 ,but through all her childhood must be borne in mind the fact that she is now in training for womanhood1 that should she ever marry and have a home of her own1 the weight of unaccustomed household tasks will bend and bruise the shoulders totally unaccustomed to burdens of any kind4 ,if you have a colt that in years to come you intend using as a carriage-horse1 you will not let him stand idle in the stable eating and fattening until he is old enough for your purpose4 ,he would then be1 in horse-parlance1 so soft that the lightest loads would weary and injure him4 ,instead of that1 while still young1 he is frequently exercised1 and broken in1 judiciously1 first to the harness1 then to draw a light vehicle1 and so on1 until he himself does not know when the training ceases and the actual work begins4 ,the college-boy1 looking forward to joining the crew1 trains for months beforehand1 walking1 running1 rowing1 until the flaccid muscles become as firm and hard as steel4 ,in ,america1 where fortunes are made1 lost1 and made and lost again in a day1 we can never say confidently that our children will inherit so much money that it will always be unnecessary for them to work4 ,and1 even could we be sure that our daughters will marry wealthy men1 we should1 for their own happiness and comfort1 teach them that there is work for everyone in this world1 and certain duties which every man and woman should perform in order to preserve his or her self-respect4 ,by the time your child can walk1 he may begin to make himself useful4 ,one little boy1 three years old1 finds his chief delight in helping mamma4 ,he has his own baby duster with which he assiduously rubs the rungs of the parlor chairs until his little face beams with the proud certainty that he is of some use to humanity1 and that dear mamma could not possibly have dusted that room without her little helper4 ,he brings her boots and gloves when she is preparing for a walk1 and begs to be allowed to put her slippers on her feet when she returns home4 ,often when she is writing and he has grown weary of play1 the tender treble asks1-- ,dear ,mamma1 you are vewy busy4 ,can't ,i help you8 ,of course it is an interruption1 and he cannot be of the least assistance2 but is not that request better than the fretful whine of the child who is sated with play and still demands more8 ,she missed the little hindering thing4 says one line of a heart-breaking old poem descriptive of a bereaved mother's loneliness4 ,eugene ,field strikes the same chord1 until she who has laid a child under the sod thrills with remorseful pain3 ,no bairn let hold until her gown1 ,nor played upon the floore1-- ,godde's was the joy2 a lyttle boy ,ben in the way no more6 ,ah1 impatient mother6 as you put aside the affectionate officiousness of the would-be assistant1 with frown or hasty word1 bethink yourself for one moment of the possible time when1 in the dreary calm of a well-ordered house1 you will hearken vainly for shrilly-sweet prattle and pattering feet6 ,there are ways in which even the toddlers can make work lighter for the mothers4 ,when your small daughter has finished with her toys1 she should be obliged to put them away in a box kept for that purpose4 ,the mother and nurse will thus be spared the bending of the back and stooping of the knees to accomplish this light task1 and the child will enjoy the occupation1 and feel very important and grown-up in putting her doll to bed1 and dolly's furniture1 clothes1 etc41 in their proper place4 ,when making the beds1 allow the little girl to hand you the pillows2 and1 even should you stumble over her and them1 sometimes1 you will do well to maintain the pious pretence that she lightens your work by assisting in tucking in the covers1 and in gathering up soiled articles of clothing and putting them in the clothes-bag or hamper4 ,she will soon learn to dust chair-rungs and legs1 and to wipe off the base-board1--and do it more conscientiously than hireling ,abigail4 ,she may pick bits of thread1 string and paper from the carpet1 and clean door-handles and window-sills4 ,one mother1 when making pies1 places her four-year old daughter in a chair at the far end of the kitchen table1 and gives her a morsel of dough and a tiny pan4 ,the little one watches the mother and attempts to handle her portion of pastry as mamma does4 ,after it is kneaded1 it is tenderly deposited1 oftentimes a grayish lump1 in spite of carefully washed hands 7for little hands will somehow get dirty1 try sedulously though you and their owner may to prevent it71 in the small tin1 and it is placed in the oven with the other pies4 ,it serves admirably at a doll's tea-party1 and the meddlesome fingers have been kept busy1 the restless mind contented1 while the housewife's work is accomplished4 ,by the time your girl is ten years old1 she should be equal to making her own bed1 some older person turning the mattresses for her that the young back may not be strained by lifting1 and to dust and keep her own little room in order4 ,of course you will have to watch carefully1 and teach her little by little1 line upon line4 ,a model housekeeper used to say that one should cultivate an eye for dirt4 ,bear this in mind1 and cultivate your daughter's eye for dust1 dirt and cobwebs4 ,you will find1 unless she is a phenomenal exception to the majority of young people1 that she will not see when the soap-cup needs washing1 or that there are finger-smears on the doors1 and fluff in the corners4 ,but with the blessed mother-gift of patience1 point out to her1 again and again1 the seemingly small details1 the hall-marks of housewifery1 which1 heeded1 make the thrifty1 neat housekeeper1 and1 when neglected1 the slattern4 ,as she grows older1 let her straighten the parlors every morning1 make the cake on ,saturdays1 and show her that you regard her as your right-hand woman in all matters pertaining to domestic affairs4 ,give her early to understand that it is to her interest to keep her father's house looking neat1 that it is her home1 and reflects credit1 or the reverse1 upon herself1 and that it is her duty1 and should be her pleasure1 to help you1 her mother1 when you are overwearied and need rest4 ,she will enjoy play as a child1 society and recreation as a girl1 all the more because she has some stated tasks4 ,she may learn to manage the family mending by aiding you in sorting and repairing the clothes when they come up from the wash4 ,when she is capable of entirely relieving you of this burden1 pay her a stated amount each week for doing it4 ,she will glory in the delightful feeling of independence imparted by the knowledge of her ability to earn her own pocket-money1 and take the first lesson in that much-neglected branch of education1--knowledge of the value of dollars and cents1 and how to take care of them4 ,few children are born with a sensitive conscience regarding their work1 so the mother will1 at first1 find it necessary to keep an eye on all the tasks performed by the willing1 if often careless1 girl4 ,do not judge her too harshly4 ,try to recall how you felt when you were a lazy1 because a rapidly growing1 girl2 bear in mind that it is natural for kittens and all young creatures to be careless and giddy1 and try to be gentle and forbearing while correcting and training her4 ,if she is good for anything1 your care will be rewarded in years to come by seeing her trying to do all her work in life as mamma does4 ,while it is especially expedient that the girls receive this domestic training1 the boys of the family should not be exempt from their share of the responsibility4 ,you need not dread that this kind of work will make your boy unmanly or effeminate4 ,it will rather teach him to be more considerate of women1 more appreciative of the amount that his mother and sisters have to do1 and less careless in imposing needless labor upon them4 ,some mothers go so far as to instruct their sons in the delicate tasks of darning stockings1 and repairing rents in their own clothes4 ,there is a vast difference in the skill manifested by different boys4 ,some seem to have a natural aptitude for dainty work while others have fingers that are all thumbs4 ,one man1 now a father1 cherishes a tiny cushion of worsted cross-stitch made by himself when a child but five years of age4 ,he is deft with his fingers1 and1 as the saying is1 can turn his hand to anything4 ,may it not be that the manipulation then acquired still serves him8 ,another man tells laughingly how1 when a boy at college1 he would tie up the hole1 in his socks with a piece of string1 and then hammer the hard lump flat with a stone4 ,he could as easily make a gown as darn a stocking4 ,tales such as this fill motherly souls with intense pity for the poor fellow so powerless to take care of his clothing1 and so far from any woman-helper4 ,if possible1 teach your boy enough of the rudiments of plain sewing to help him in an emergency1 so that he can put on a button1 or stitch up a rip1 when absent from you4 ,as many men as women have a natural bias for cookery1 and there are husbands not a few who insist on making all the salad eaten on their tables4 ,one branch of work in which boys are sinfully deficient is putting things to rights4 ,the floor of your son's room may be littered with books1 papers1 cravats1 soiled collars and cuffs1 but he never thinks it his duty to pick them up and to keep his possessions in order4 ,about one man in a thousand is an exception to this rule1 and thrice blessed is she who weds him4 ,it goes without saying in the household that by some occult principle of natural adaptation1 there is always a time for a man to scatter abroad and for a woman to gather together4 ,mother or sister attends to the boy's things4 ,why has the boy any more than the girl the right to leave his hat on the parlor table1 his gloves on the mantel1 his coat on the newel-post1 and his over-shoes in the middle of the floor8 ,they are left there1 and there they remain until some long-suffering woman puts them away4 ,from hut to palace1 and through uncounted generations1 by oral and written enactment1 as well as by tacit consent1 whatever other innovations are made1 the custom holds that man can upset without fault1 and his nearest of feminine kin is blamable if she do not pick up after him4 ,teach your son that it is his business to keep his own room in order1 and that there is no more reason why his sister should follow him up1 replacing what he has disarranged1 than that he should perform the same office for her4 ,inculcate in him habits of neatness4 ,in acquiring an eye for the disorder he has caused1 and deftness in rectifying it1 he is taking lessons in tender consideration and growing in intelligent sympathy for mother1 sister and the wife who-is-to-be4 ,,chapter ,,xx4 ,,children ,,as ,,burden-,,bearers4 ,those of us who are mothers would do well to read carefully and ponder deeply ,st4 ,paul's assertion that when he was a child he spoke as a child1 and felt as a child1 and thought as a child2 and that when he was a man1 and not until then1 he put away childish things4 ,can the same be said of the child of to-day8 ,in this bit of talk1 ,i want to enter my protest against thrusting upon children the care-taking thought that should not be theirs for years to come4 ,when the responsibility that is inseparable from every life bears heavily upon us1 we sigh for the carefree days of childhood1 but we do not hesitate to inflict upon our babies the complaints and moans which teach them1 all too soon1 that life is a hard school for us4 ,a child must either grieve with us or become so inured to our plaints that he pays no attention to them4 ,in the latter case he may be hard-hearted but he is certainly happier than if he were exquisitely sensitive4 ,what a pretty suit of clothes you have6 said ,i to a four-year-old boy4 ,the momentary expression of pride gave way to one of anxiety4 ,yes2 but mamma says when these wear out she does not know how papa will ever buy me any more clothes4 ,i am a great expense6 ,oh6 with a long-drawn sigh of wretchedness1 isn't it awful to be poor8 ,the poverty-stricken father was at this time managing to dress himself1 wife and baby on an income of four thousand dollars per annum4 ,in her desire to make her child take proper care of his clothes1 the mother had struck terror to the little fellow's heart4 ,such childish terror is genuine1 and yet hard to express4 ,the self-control of childhood is far greater than the average father or mother appreciates4 ,some children seem to have an actual dread of communicating their fears and fancies to other people4 ,a friend tells me that when she was but six years old she heard her father say impatiently1 as his wife handed him a bill3 ,i can't pay this6 ,at the rate at which bills come in nowadays1 ,i soon will not have a cent left in the world4 ,it is enough to bankrupt a man6 ,at bedtime that night the little daughter asked her mother1 with the indifferent air children so soon learn to assume3 ,mamma1 what becomes of people when all their money is gone1 and they can't pay their bills8 ,sometimes1 dear1 answered the unsuspicious mother1 their houses and belongings are sold to pay their bills4 ,and when people have no house1 and no money1 and nothing left1 where do they go8 ,do they starve to death8 ,they generally go to the poorhouse1 my daughter4 ,oh1 mamma6 quavered the little voice1 don't you think that is dreadful8 ,very dreadful1 darling6 ,now go to sleep4 ,to sleep6 ,how could she1 with the grim doors of the home for the county paupers yawning blackly to receive her8 ,all through the night was the horror upon her1 and to this day she remembers the sickening thrill that swept over her while playing with a little friend1 when the thought occurred3 ,if this girl's mother knew that we were going to the poorhouse1 she would not let her play with me4 ,little by little the impression wore off1 aided in the dissipation by the sight of numerous rolls of bills which papa occasionally drew from his pocket4 ,but not once in all that time did the child relax the strict guard set upon her lips1 and sob out her fear to her mother4 ,she does not now know why she did not do it1 except that she could not4 ,an otherwise judicious father talks over all his business difficulties with his seven-year-old son4 ,the grown man does not know what a strain the anxiety and uncertainty of his father's ventures are to the embryo financier4 ,not long ago the father announced to him3 ,well1 ,harold1 that man ,i was telling you of has failed--lost his money--and one thousand dollars of mine have gone with it4 ,the boy's white1 set face would have alarmed a more observant man4 ,oh1 papa6 what shall we do6 ,get along somehow1 my boy6 was the unsatisfactory answer4 ,then1 as the boy sadly and slowly left the room1 the man to whom one thousand dollars were no more than one dime to this anxious child1 explained1 laughingly1 to a friend1 that that little fellow was really wonderful2 he understood business1 and was as much interested in it as a man of forty could be4 ,we fathers and mothers have no right to make our children old before their time4 ,each age has its own trials1 which are as great as any one person should bear4 ,we know that the troubles that come to our babies are only baby troubles1 but they are as large to them as our griefs are to us4 ,a promised drive1 which does not materialize1 proves as great a disappointment to your tiny girl as the unfulfilled promise of a week in the country would to you1 her sensible mother4 ,of course our children must learn to bear their trials4 ,my plea is that they may not be forced to bear our anxieties also4 ,if a thing is an annoyance to you1 it will be an agony to your little child1 who has not a tenth of your experience1 philosophy and knowledge of life4 ,there is something cowardly and weak in the man or woman who has so little self-control that he or she must press a child's tender shoulders into service in bearing burdens4 ,teach your children to be careful1 teach them prudence and economy1 but let them be taught as children4 ,the forcing of a child's sympathies sometimes produces a hardening effect1 as in the case of a small boy whose mother was one of the sickly-sentimental sort4 ,she had drawn too often upon her child's sensibilities4 ,charlie1 she said1 plaintively1 to her youngest boy1 what would you do if poor mamma were to get very sick8 ,send for the doctor4 ,but1 ,charlie1 suppose poor1 dear mamma should die6 ,then1 what would you do8 ,i'd go to the funeral6 was the cheerful response4 ,to my mind this mother had the son ordained for her from the beginning of the world4 ,many boys are all love and sympathy for their mothers4 ,mamma appeals to all that is tender and chivalrous in the nature of the man that is to be4 ,the maternal tenderness ought to be too strong to impose upon this sacred feeling4 ,perhaps one of the prettiest of ,bunner's ,airs from ,arcady is that entitled1 ,in ,school ,hours1 in which he thus describes the woe of the thirteen-year-old girl when she receives the cruel letter from the boy of her admiration4 ,the poet tells us this sorrow were tragic at thirty1 and asks1 ,why is it trivial at thirteen6 ,trivial6 what shall eclipse ,the pain of our childish woes8 ,the rose-bud pales its lips ,when a very small zephyr blows4 ,you smile1 ,o ,dian bland1 ,if ,endymion's glance is cold3 ,but ,despair seems close at hand ,to that hapless thirteen-year old6 ,,chapter ,,xxi4 ,,our ,,young ,,person4 ,i well remember a girl's tearful appeal to me when she was stigmatized and reproved for her giddy youth6 ,it is not my fault that ,i was born young6 ,and ,i am not responsible for the fact that ,i entered upon existence seventeen1 instead of seventy1 years ago4 ,at all events1 it was not a sin even if ,i was guilty of such a folly6 ,perhaps we older people are too prone to forget that youth is not a sin to be condemned1 or even a folly to be sneered at4 ,wad some power the giftie gie us to remember that we were not always cool-headed1 clear-seeing and middle-aged6 ,trouble and responsibility come so soon to all1 that we err in forcing young heads to bow1 and strong shoulders to bend1 beneath a load which should not be laid upon them for many years4 ,as we advance in age1 our weaknesses and temptations change1 and no longer take the form of heedlessness1 intolerance1 extravagance1 and most trying of all to the critical and dignified observer1--freshness4 ,we may describe this last-named quality somewhat after the fashion of the little boy who defined salt as ,what makes potatoes taste bad when they don't put any on 'em6 ,so freshness is that which makes youth delightful by its absence4 ,unfortunately1 it is almost inseparable from this period1 and while there are girls1 and even boys1 in whom the offending quality is nearly1 if not entirely1 lacking1 they are almost as the red herring of the wood1 and the strawberry of the sea1 in nursery rhyme4 ,freshness takes many and varied forms1 the most common being that of self-conceit and the desire to appear original and eccentric in feelings1 moods1 likes and dislikes4 ,like the fellows of the club of which ,bertie1 in ,the ,henrietta1 was an illustrious member1 the average boy winks1 nods1 looks wise and makes the other fellows think that he is a ,harry of a fellow1--but he isn't6 ,the desire to be considered worldly-wise--tough--is rampant in the masculine mind between the ages of fifteen and twenty4 ,the boy who has been to a strict preparatory boarding-school and is just entering upon his college course1 whose theatre-goings have been limited to the shows to which his father has given him tickets1 or to which he has escorted his mother or sisters1 and whose wildest dissipations have consisted in a surreptitious cigarette and glass of beer1 neither of which he enjoyed1 but both of which he pretended to revel in for the sake of being mannish1--will talk knowingly of the latest soubrette1 a jolly little ballet-dancer1 the wicked ways of this world1 and the dens of iniquity in our large cities4 ,dickens tells us that when ,mr4 ,feeder spoke of the dark mysteries of ,london1 and told ,mr4 ,toots that he was going to observe it himself closely in all its ramifications in the approaching holidays1 and for that purpose had made arrangements to board with two old maiden aunts at ,peckham1 ,paul regarded him as if he were the hero of some book of travel or wild adventure1 and was almost afraid of such a slashing person4 ,why it is considered manly to be tough is one of the unsolved mysteries of the boyish mind4 ,any uneducated1 weak fool can go wrong4 ,it takes a man to be strong enough to keep himself pure and good4 ,another fresh characteristic of this age is the pretence of doubt4 ,a fellow under twenty-one is likely to have doubts1 to find articles in the creed of his church to which he cannot agree4 ,that kind of thing is well enough for women and children1 but for a man of the world1--and then follows an expressive pause1 accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders and lift of the brows4 ,with a girl this trying age is often given over to sentimental musings and blues4 ,she is convinced that nobody understands her1 her mother least of all1 that she is too sensitive for this harsh world1 that she will never receive the love and consideration due her4 ,cynicism becomes her main characteristic1 and she bitterly sneers at friendship and gratitude1 declaring that true1 disinterested affection exists only in the imagination4 ,is it any wonder that mothers sometimes become discouraged8 ,poor mothers6 whose combined comfort and distress is the knowledge that the time is fast approaching when their boys and girls will blush for shame at the remembrance of their salad days1 when they were green in judgment4 ,parents have need of vast patience1 and let them1 before uttering condemnation1 carefully consider if they themselves are not a little to blame for the state of their children's minds2 if over-indulgence and unwise consideration have not had much to do with the trouble4 ,one excellent woman has made of her son an insufferable boor by constantly deferring to him1 no matter in what company1 and by allowing him to see that she considers his very ordinary intellect far above the average4 ,in a parlor full of educated men and women she went out of her way to tell what remarkable views ,charlie had upon certain religious subjects1 and1 after attracting the attention of the assembled company1 called upon ,charlie to give vent to his sentiments that all present might observe how original they were4 ,whereupon the hulk of a son1 consequential and patronizing1 discoursed bunglingly1 and at length1 on his opinions and beliefs1 until he was inflated to speechlessness by conceit1 and his hearers disgusted into responsive silence4 ,if your girl is clever1 do not tell her so1 or repeat to others in her presence her bright observations4 ,but1 on the other hand1 do not snub her1 or allow her to feel that her intellect is of an inferior order4 ,the best way to make a fool of the ,young ,person is to tell him that he is a fool4 ,stimulate your child by all the love and appreciation at your command1 but let it be intelligent appreciation1 not blind admiration or prejudiced disapproval4 ,do you recollect how you felt and dreamed and gushed when you were a girl1 the pages of sentimental twaddle 7as you now call it7 which you confided to the diary which you burned in disgust at twenty-one8 ,do you remember how genuine your distresses then seemed8 ,you can smile at the girl you once were1 but still you find it in your heart to pity her1 poor1 silly child1 foolishly sobbing late into the night over some broken friendship or imaginary heart-trouble4 ,perhaps she had no mother to whom to go1 or perhaps her mother did not understand4 ,see that you do not make the same mistake1 but1 while you recognize the folly of the trouble1 think of the heartache back of it all4 ,when your girl was a tiny child1 you petted and comforted her as she wailed over her broken dolly4 ,was that grief so much more sensible than this1 or do you love her less now8 ,when your four-year-old boy came to you with his stories of what he would do when he was a great big man1 you drew him close to you and encouraged him to talk it all out4 ,now1 when he is a head taller than you1 and tells you of his hopes and aspirations1 you sigh that boys are so fresh and visionary6 ,it is not necessary to condone or to condemn all4 ,what would you say to the gardener who let your choice young vines run in straggling lines all over the ground and in all directions1--or who ruthlessly cut off all the stalks within an inch of the roots8 ,young people need training1 encouragement and urging in some directions1 repression and pruning in others4 ,above all1 they need tender forbearance4 ,another trying feature of the ,young ,person is his wholesale intolerance of everything and everybody4 ,only himself and perhaps one or two of his own friends escape his censure4 ,these being covered with the mantle of his approbation1 are beyond criticism4 ,this habit of uncharitableness is such an odious one that our boy or girl should avoid it carefully4 ,if you would acquire the custom of saying no evil1 it is advisable to guard against thinking it4 ,difficult as it may seem1 it is quite possible to put such a guard upon the mind as to accustom it to look on the best side of persons and things4 ,nobody is wholly bad1 or1 at least1 few people are so entirely given over to disagreeable traits as the ,young ,person would lead us to think4 ,only a few days ago a young man was speaking in my presence of another fellow1 who was1 as far as ,i know1 a respectable1 well-bred boy4 ,oh6 said the ,young ,person1 when his name was mentioned1 he is no good4 ,why not8 queried ,i4 ,is he bad8 ,he is too much of a fool to be bad4 ,is he such a fool8 ,i thought he was considered rather bright8 ,well1 he thinks himself awfully bright4 ,he is a regular donkey4 ,are his manners disagreeable8 ,no-o-o1 ,i don't know that they are4 ,in fact1 ,i believe he prides himself on the reputation he has acquired for gentlemanliness4 ,then1 what is so disagreeable about him8 ,perhaps1 dryly suggested the father of the ,young ,person1 he is not particularly fond of you1 and that it why you disapprove of him4 ,no1 sir6 was the indignant rejoinder1 that is not it4 ,to be sure1 he never troubles himself to pay me any marked attention4 ,nor do ,i care to have him do so4 ,he is a low fellow4 ,deny it as he might1 the reason my young friend disliked the low fellow was because the tiny thorn of neglect had wounded his vanity and pricked and rankled into a fester4 ,this is human nature1 but as we advance in years1 we appreciate that people may be really excellent in many respects1 and yet have no great fondness for us4 ,youth still has much to learn4 ,ten girls whom ,i know formed a society for the repression of unkind criticism4 ,the members pledged themselves to try1 as far as in them lay1 to speak kindly of people when it was possible for them to do so1 and when impossible to say nothing4 ,at first it was hard1 for self-conceit would intrude1 and it is hard for one girl to praise another who dislikes her4 ,little by little the tiny seed of effort grew into a habit of kindly speech4 ,what volumes it argues for a woman's gentle ladyhood and ,christianity when it can truthfully be said of her1 ,she never speaks uncharitably of anybody6 ,let us older people set an example of tolerance and charitable speech4 ,too often our children are but reproductions1 perhaps somewhat highly colored1 of ourselves1 our virtues1 and our faults4 ,and this is especially true of the mothers4 ,john ,jarndyce gives us a word of encouragement when he says-- ,i think it must somewhere be written that the virtues of the mothers shall occasionally be visited upon the children1 as well as the sins of the father4 ,such being the case1 let us children of a larger growth show such tact1 unselfishness and tender charity1 that our children1 seeing these virtues1 may copy them1 and thereby aid in removing the disagreeable traits of1 at least1 our ,young ,persons4 ,,chapter ,,xxii4 ,,our ,,boy4 ,the following is a bona fide letter4 ,it is written in such genuine earnest1 and so clearly voices the sentiments of many young men of the present day1 that ,i am glad to have an opportunity to answer it4 #a4 ,why should ,i1 a fast-growing1 hard-working youth of eighteen1 who go every morning1 four miles by street-car1 to my office1 and the same back at night1 often so weary and faint as to be hardly able to sit1 not to say stand1 be obliged to give up my seat to any flighty1 flashy girl who has come down-town to shop1 or frolic1 or do nothing8 ,isn't she as able to swing corners holding on to a strap as ,i8 and to hold her own perpendicular in the aisle8 #b4 ,why isn't it as rude for her and her companions to giggle and whisper and stare1 the objects of amusement being her fellow-passengers1 as it would be for me and my fellows8 ,yet we would be roughs--and she and her crew must be treated with the deference due the gentler sex4 ,and why am ,i a boor if ,i do not give her my seat1 while she is considered a lady if she takes it without thanking me8 #c4 ,are girls1 take them as a rule1 as well-bred as boys8 ,judging by appearances1 it would seem that many men share in the feeling expressed in your first query4 ,i am not a flighty1 flashy girl1 but ,i crossed the city the other night in a horse-car in which there were twenty men and two women--one of them being myself4 ,i stood1 while the score of men sat and lounged comfortably behind their newspapers4 ,they were tired after a hard day's work1 and would have been wearied still more by standing4 ,a well woman was worn out and a delicate woman would have been made ill1 by this exertion4 ,my dear boy6 let me ask you one question4 ,why should you1 no matter how tired you are1 spring eagerly forward to prevent your sister from lifting a piece of furniture1 or carrying a trunk upstairs8 ,why not let her do it8 ,i can imagine your look of indignant surprise4 ,why8 because she is a woman6 ,it would nearly kill her6 ,exactly so2 but you will swing the burden on your broad1 strong shoulders1 bear it to its destination1 and the next minute run lightly down-stairs1--perhaps1 as you would say1 a little winded1 but not one whit strained in nerve or muscle4 ,there lies the difference4 ,the good ,lord who made us women had ,his own excellent reason for making us physically weaker than men4 ,perhaps because1 had we their strength1 we would be too ambitious4 ,however that may be1 men1 as the stronger sex1 should help us in our weakness4 ,standing in the horse-car that is jostling over a rough track1 holding on with up-stretched arm to a strap and swinging corners during a two-mile ride1 would do more harm to a girl of your own age than you would suffer were you to stand while making a twenty-mile trip4 ,for humanity's sake1 then1 if your gallantry does not prompt you to make sacrifice1 do not allow any woman1 old or young1 to hold her perpendicular in the aisle when you can offer her a seat and while you have a pair of capable legs upon which to depend for support4 ,a true gentleman is always unselfish1 be he old or young1 rested or weary2 and such being the case1 the foreign day-laborer1 in blue blouse and hob-nailed boots1 who rises and gives a lady his place in car or omnibus1 is the superior of the several-times-a-millionaire1 in finest broadcloth1 spotless linen1 patent leathers and silk hat1 who sits still1 taking refuge behind his newspaper1 in which he is seemingly so deeply absorbed as to be blind to the fact that a woman1 old enough to be his mother1 stands near him4 ,with one gentlemanliness is instinctive1 with the other it is1 like his largest diamond stud1 worn for show1 and even then is a little off color4 ,i hope it is hardly necessary to remind you that true courtesy does not stay to distinguish between a rich or a poor woman1 or to notice whether she is a pretty young girl1 fashionably attired1 or a decrepit laundress taking home the week's wash4 ,she is a woman6 ,that should be sufficient to arouse your manliness4 ,this is the truthful reply to query ,no4 #a4 ,not a pleasant answer perhaps1 but an honest one4 ,to make the advice more palatable1 take it with a plentiful seasoning of gratitude for the gift of physical strength which makes you a man4 ,and now for ,no4 #b4 ,here you are right1 and your suggestion has had my serious consideration4 ,possibly1 thoughtlessness may account for the foolish whispering and giggling you mention1 but stares and amused comments upon fellow-passengers are nothing less than acts of rudeness1 be they perpetrated by boy or girl4 ,but two wrongs never yet made a right1 and because a girl is discourteous is no reason why you should put yourself on the same footing with her1 and fail to observe towards her the deference due all women4 ,if you are in a car with a profane drunkard1 you do not copy his actions1 or1 if obliged to address him1 adopt his style of language4 ,the glaring defect in the manners and voice of the ,american girl is that she is loud4 ,german ,gretchen or ,irish ,bridget is more likely to speak softly in public than her rich young mistress4 ,it is often a shock to the observer when sweet sixteen seated opposite him in the horse-car1 begins conversation with her companion4 ,her face is gentle1 her whole mien refined1--but1 her voice6 ,she talks loudly and laughs constantly4 ,one beautiful woman whom ,i have met1--wealthy and well-educated1 always reminds me of a peacock4 ,you doubtless have seen and heard peafowls often enough to understand the comparison4 ,the graceful motion and gorgeous plumage demand our admiration1 until the creature1 becoming accustomed to our presence1 raises his voice in a piercing call1 something between a hoot and a shriek1 which causes us to cover our ears4 ,after such an experience1 we turn with relief to the sober hens who are contented to cluck peacefully through life1 reserving their cackling until they have done something of which to boast1 and wish to inform us that the egg they have laid is at our disposal4 ,as a rule the girl who is prononce in a public conveyance is not well-bred1 and she who laughs loudly and talks noisily1 meanwhile passing comments on those persons who are so unfortunate as to be her traveling companions1 has no claim to the much-abused title of lady4 ,but you can hardly compare your manners and those of your friends with the deportment of low-born1 ill-bred girls4 ,i fancy that you would find that everyone would pronounce sentence as severe upon them as upon you1 were your actions the same4 ,i have been amazed before this at what ,i have been told1 and at what ,i have myself noticed1 of the failure of women to thank men who rise and offer them seats4 ,it would seem incredible that any person should so far neglect all semblance of civility as to accept a place thus offered as a matter of course4 ,it is a kindness on the part of a man1 and should always be met by some acknowledgment4 ,if1 when you rise1 and lifting your hat1 resign your place to a woman1 and she1 without a word1 accepts it as her due1 your only consolation will be to fall back on the comforting thought that you have behaved like a gentleman1 and that any discourtesy of hers cannot detract from the merit of your action4 ,you did not do it for the thanks you might receive1 but because it is right4 ,it is not pessimistic to assert that all through life1 we are working on this principle--not that we may receive the credit for what we do1 but doing good for the good's sake4 ,do not be so rash as to say bitterly--,so much for sacrificing my own comfort6 ,catch me giving a woman my seat again6 and those other foolish1 because angry1 things which a vexed boy is tempted to say under such circumstances4 ,continue in the good way1 hoping that next time you may have the pleasure of doing a favor to a lady who has the breeding to appreciate and be grateful for an act of courtesy4 ,your third question is one difficult to answer4 ,are girls as well bred as boys--,yes--and no6 ,their training lies along different lines4 ,a few days ago ,i was talking with a young man who had a grievance4 ,a girl of his acquaintance had1 the night before1 been at a reception which he had also attended4 ,feeling a little weary she retired to a comfortable corner of the room1 and sat there during the entire evening4 ,she did not feel like dancing1 and told her hostess she would rather sit still4 ,my young friend had a severe headache1 but1 although suffering1 his appreciation of les convenances would not allow him to sit down in a secluded niche for fifteen minutes1 during the entire evening4 ,his grievance was that had he done this he would have been voted a boor1 while the girl's action was condoned by hostess and guests4 ,one thing must always be considered--namely1 that a woman's part is1 in many points of etiquette1 passive4 ,it is the man who takes the initiative1 and who is made such a prominent figure that all eyes are drawn to him4 ,have you ever noticed it8 ,man proposes1 woman accepts4 ,man stands1 woman remains seated4 ,man lifts his hat1 woman merely bows4 ,man acts as escort1 woman as the escorted4 ,so1 when a man is careless or thoughtless1 it is all the more evident4 ,for this reason1 begin as a boy1 to observe all the small1 sweet courtesies of life4 ,i often wish there were any one point in which a woman could show her genuine ladyhood as a man displays his gentlehood by the management of his hat1--raising it entirely from the head on meeting a woman1 lifting it when the lady with whom he is walking bows to an acquaintance1 or when his man-companion meets a friend1 baring his head on meeting1 parting from1 or kissing mother1 sister or wife4 ,these1 with other points1 such as rising when a woman enters the room1 and remaining standing until she is seated1 giving her the precedence in passing in or out of a door1 and picking up the handkerchief or glove she lets fall--are sure indices of the gentleman1 or1 by their absence1 mark the boor4 ,but our girl should not think that she can afford to overlook the acts of tactful courtesy which are her duty as well as her brother's4 ,prominent among these she should place the deference due those who are older than herself4 ,her temptation is often to exercise a patronizing toleration toward her elders1 and1 while she is not actually disrespectful1 she still has the air of a very superior young being holding converse with a person who has the advantage merely in the accident of years4 ,did she realize how ridiculous these very youthful1 foolish manners are1 she would blush for herself4 ,she will--when she has attained the age of discretion4 ,another of our girls' mistakes is that of imagining that brusqueness and pertness are wit4 ,there is no other error more common with girls from fifteen to eighteen2 they generally choose a boy as the butt of their sarcastic remarks--and1 to their shame be it said1 they frequently select a lad who is too courteous to retort in kind4 ,but these faults in boy and girl alike are evidences of a freshness which wears off as the years roll on1 as the green husk1 when touched by the frost1 falls away1 leaving exposed the glossy brown shell enclosing the ripe1 sweet kernel of the nut4 ,if this answer to your letter reads like a sermon1 pardon one who is interested in young people1 and who1 well remembering when she was young herself1 would fain hold out a helping hand to those who are stumbling on in the path she trod in years gone by4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,,that ,,spoiled ,,child4 ,i was the other day one of many passengers in a railroad train in which a small girl of four or five years of age was making a journey1 accompanied by her mother and an aunt4 ,the child was beautiful1 with a mass of golden curls4 ,her velvet coat and the felt hat trimmed elaborately with ostrich plumes were faultless in their style2 her behavior would compare unfavorably with the manners of a young ,comanche ,indian4 ,she insisted upon standing in the centre of the aisle1 where she effectually blocked all passage1 and1 as the train was going rapidly1 ran a great risk of being thrown violently against the seats4 ,when remonstrated with by her guardians1 she slapped her aunt full in the face1 pulled herself free from her mother's restraining grasp1 and1 in a frenzy of rage1 threw herself down right across the aisle4 ,there she lay for a full half hour4 ,when her mother would have raised her to her feet she uttered shriek after shriek1 until her fellow-travelers' ears rang4 ,after this triumph of young ,america over the rule and command of tyrannizing mamma1 the innocent babe was allowed to remain prostrate in her chosen resting-place1 while brakemen1 conductor and passengers stepped gingerly over the recumbent form4 ,she varied the monotony of the situation by occasional wrathful kicks in the direction of her mother or at some would-be passer-by4 ,it is best to let sleeping dogs lie1 sighed the mother of this prodigy to her sister4 ,when she gets one of these attacks 7and she has them quite often7 ,i just leave her alone until she becomes ashamed of it4 ,she can't bear to be crossed in anything4 ,when ,i stepped from the train at my destination the humiliation for which her attendants longed was still a stranger to the willful child4 ,trouble-fearing persons have a belief to the effect that it is1 in the long run1 easier to let a child have his own sweet way until he has attained the age of discretion1--say at fourteen or fifteen years1--when his innate sense of propriety will convince him of the error of his ways4 ,such a theorist was a dear old gentleman who1 many years ago1 remonstrated with me upon the pains and time ,i spent in training my first born4 ,the children of this aged saint had been reared according to the old-fashioned notion1 but when they had babies of their own they departed from it1 and the rising generation had full and free sway4 ,their grandparent1 albeit frequently the victim of their pranks1 loved them dearly4 ,he now assured me that-- ,while they are regular little barbarians1 my dear1 still they have all that freedom and wild liberty which should accompany childhood4 ,they eat when and what they please1 go to bed when they feel like it1 rise early or late as the whim seizes them1 and know no prescribed rules for diet and deportment4 ,but they come of good stock and will turn out all right4 ,they did come of good1 honest parents1 and this may have been what saved their moral1 while their physical being has suffered from the course pursued during their infancy and early youth4 ,there were six children2 now there are four4 ,one died when a mere baby from cold contracted from running about the house in winter weather in her bare feet4 ,she was so fond of doing this that her mother could not bear to put shoes and stockings on the dear little tot4 ,the other1 a sweet1 affectionate boy1 suffered at regular intervals during the fifteen years of his life from acute indigestion4 ,directly after one of these attacks1 he1 as was his habit1 followed the cravings of an undisciplined appetite1 and attended1 late at night1 a pea-nut-and-candy supper1 almost immediately after which he was taken violently ill and died in three days4 ,the four remaining children do not1 all told1 possess enough constitution to make one strong man4 ,they are all delicate and constant sufferers4 ,in this case judicious care might have averted the above-mentioned evils4 ,would the game have been worth the candle8 ,this is a question which parents cannot afford to disregard4 ,it is expedient for them to consider seriously whether or not the stock on both sides of the family1 of which their children come1 is so good as to warrant neglect or to justify over-indulgence4 ,our mother-tongue does not offer us a phrase by which we may express what we mean by l'enfant terrible4 ,but our father-land produces many living examples which may serve as translations of the ,french words4 ,such an one was the small boy who1 while eagerly devouring grapes1 threw the skins1 one after another1 into the lap of my new light silk gown4 ,his mother entered a smilingly gentle protest in the form of-- ,oh1 ,frankie dear6 do you think it is pretty to do that8 to which he paid as much attention as to my look of distress4 ,the reader who believes in lending a hand in righting the minor evils of society must have more temerity and a larger share of what the boy of the period denominates nerve than ,i possess1 if she interferes with a child while in the presence of the mother4 ,it is as unsafe as the proverbial act of inserting the digits between the bark and the tree4 ,it is1 moreover1 a liberty which ,i should never permit the dearest friend to take4 ,in fact1 so strong is my feeling on this subject1 that ,i should have allowed ,frankie dear to make a fruit-plate and finger-bowl of the shimmering folds of my gown rather than utter a feeble objection before his doting mamma4 ,the practice of spoiling a child is unjust to the little one and to the parent4 ,the latter suffers tenfold more than if she1 day by day1 inculcated the line-upon-line1 protest-upon-protest system4 ,that she does not do this is sometimes due to mistaken kindness1 but oftener to self-indulgence or dread of disagreeable scenes1 that brings a harvest of misery as surely as he who sows the wind will reap the whirlwind4 ,a spoiled child is an undutiful child4 ,this must be true4 ,the constant humoring and considering of one's whims will1 in course of time1 produce a stunted1 warped and essentially selfish character1 that considers the claims of gratitude and affection as nil compared with the furtherance of personal aims and desires4 ,never having learned self-control or obedience1 parents and their timid remonstrances must go to the wall before the passions or longings which these same parents in days gone by have fostered4 ,only mother or nobody but father are phrases that are so frequent as to become habitual1 while the you yourself used to let me do this or that is the burden of many an excuse for misdemeanors4 ,and after all the years of parental indulgence1 what is your reward8 ,the spring is gone from your own being1 while your children will not let you live your life over again in theirs4 ,we all recall sop's fable of the young man about to be executed1 who begged on the scaffold for a last word with his mother1 and when the wish was granted1 stooped to her and bit off the tip of her ear1 that the pain and disfigurement might serve as a constant reminder of the hatred he felt for the over-indulgence and lack of discipline which had brought him to this shameful death4 ,the hurt which the mother's heart feels at the thought of causing her child's downfall is pain too great to be endured4 ,the letting-alone principle is a short-sighted one4 ,even in infancy a spoiled child may make such a nuisance of himself as to produce a disagreeable impression upon all who know him1--an impression which it takes many years of model behavior to eradicate4 ,it is actual cruelty to throw upon the child the work the parent should have performed4 ,it is easy to train the growing plant1 but after the bark is tough and the fibre strong it is a terrible strain upon grain and vitality to bend it in a direction to which it is unaccustomed4 ,much of the insubordination to be found in the children of the present day is due to the growing habit of entrusting the little ones to servants whose own wills and tempers are uncontrolled and untrained4 ,a child knows that his nurse has no right to insist upon obedience1 and he takes advantage of the knowledge until he is a small tyrant who is conscious of no law beyond that of his own inclinations4 ,the prime rule in the training of children should be implicit obedience4 ,the child is happier for knowing that when a command or prohibition is stated there is no appeal from the sentence1 and that coaxing avails naught4 ,uncertainty is as trying to small men and women as to us who are more advanced in the school of life4 ,so much depends upon this great principle of obedience1 that it is marvelous that parents ever disregard it4 ,i have known in my own experience three cases in which it was impossible to make a child take medicine1 and death has followed in consequence4 ,one of the most painful recollections ,i have is of seeing a child six years old forced to swallow a febrifuge that was not unpalatable in itself4 ,the mother1 father1 and nurse held the struggling boy1 while the physician pried open the set teeth and poured the liquid down his throat4 ,under these circumstances it is probable that the remedy proved worse than the disease4 ,i have not space to do more than touch upon the great influence of early training on the future life4 ,all my days ,i have been thankful for the gentle but firm hand that1 as a child1 taught me moral courage1 self-denial and submission4 ,the temptations of life have been more easily resisted1 the trials more lightly borne1 because of the years in which ,i was in training for the race set before me4 ,we do not want to enter our children on the course as unbroken1 soft and wild colts1 whose spirits must be crushed before they will submit to the work assigned them4 ,they may be young1 yet strong2 spirited1 yet gentle2 patient1 yet resolute4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,,getting ,,along ,,in ,,years4 ,does your husband think a full beard becoming to him8 asked ,i of a young wife4 ,her twenty-three-year-old lord1 whose good-looking face had been adorned and made positively handsome by a sweeping brown moustache1 had1 since our last meeting1 raised an uneven crop of reddish whiskers that shortened a face somewhat too round1 and altogether vulgarized what had been refined4 ,no1 indeed6 ,he knows1 as ,i do1 that it disfigures him4 ,it is a business necessity to which he sacrificed vanity4 ,the appearance of maturity carries weight in the commercial world4 ,his beard adds ten years to his real age4 ,being in an audience collected to hear an eminent clergyman last summer1 ,i heard an astonished gasp behind me1 as the orator arose3 ,why he has shaved off his beard6 ,how like a round oily man of ,god he looks6 ,true1 said another1 but fifteen years younger4 ,he is getting along in years1 you see1 and wants to hide the fact4 ,the last speaker sat opposite to me at the hotel table that day1 and in discussing the leader of the morning service1 repeated the phrase that had jarred upon my ear4 ,it is fatal to a clergyman's popularity and to a woman's hopes to be suspected of getting along in years4 ,i told the story of my bearded youth and asked3 ,where then is the safe ground8 ,when is it altogether reputable for one to declare his real age8 ,oh1 anywhere from thirty to forty-five6 ,before and after that term life can hardly be said to be worth the living4 ,i smiled1 as the rattler meant ,i should4 ,but the words have stayed by me1 the more persistently that observation bears me out in the suspicion that the merry speaker only uttered the thought of many others4 ,the years of man's life are three-score-and-ten1 says the ,word of ,him who made man and knew what was in man4 ,the wearer of a body that1 with tolerably good treatment ought to last for seventy years1 must then1 according to popular judgment1 spend nearly half of that time in learning how to play his part in the world1 barely a fifth in carrying out ,god's designs in and for him1 and then remain for a quarter of a century a cumberer of the home and earth4 ,such waste of strength1 time and accumulated capital would be cried out upon as wretched mismanagement were the scheme of human devising4 ,the ,french proverb that a woman 7and presumably a man7 is just as old as she chooses to be1 comes so much nearer what ,i believe was our ,creator's wise and merciful purpose in giving us life1 that ,i turn thankfully and hopefully to this side of the subject4 ,the best way to avoid growing old is not to be afraid of getting along in years4 ,to come down to hard pan--whence originates this unwholesome dread of ripeness and maturity8 ,it surely is not a fear of death that makes us blanch and shrink back at the oft-recurring mile-stones in the journey of life that brings all of us nearer the goal towards which we are bound4 ,i once heard a young woman say1 seriously3 ,i hope that when ,i am forty-five1 ,i may quietly die4 ,i do not dread death1 but ,i do shudder at the idea of being laid on the shelf4 ,i do not mean to be severe when ,i assert that1 nine times out of ten1 it is the victim's own fault that she is pushed out of the way1 or1 as our slangy youth of to-day put it1 is not in it4 ,it is your business and mine to be in it1 heart1 soul1 and body1 and to keep our places there by every effort in our power4 ,a fear of that which is high1 or mental or physical inertia1 or1 to be less euphemistic and more exact1 laziness--should not deter us4 ,this object is not to be accomplished by adopting juvenile dress and kittenish ways4 ,we should beautify old age1 not accentuate it by artificial means4 ,when your roadster1 advanced in years and woefully stiff in the joints1 makes a lame attempt to imitate a gamboling colt1 and feebly elevates his hind legs1 and pretends to shy at a piece of paper in the road1 you smile with contemptuous amusement and say3 ,the old fool is in his dotage6 ,but if he keeps on steadily to his work1 doing the best he can1 your comment is sure to be somewhat after this fashion3 ,this is truly a wonderful horse6 ,he is just as good as on the day ,i bought him1 fifteen years ago6 ,let us determine to face the situation1 when it is necessary1 calmly and sensibly4 ,for1 unlike the aforesaid horse1 we do not expect to be knocked on the head with a club1 or quietly chloroformed out of existence at a stated period4 ,we would do well to follow our optimistic principles1 and look at the many benefits which1 in the words of the old catechism1 do accompany and flow from this state4 ,if you have lived well1 fifty is better than thirty1 as the sun-and-frost-kissed 7not bitten7 ,catawba grape is better than the tiny green sphere of ,june1 and as maturity is nearer perfection than crude youth4 ,the tedious routine of the life-school1 the hours spent in acquiring knowledge for which you had no immediate use1 are past4 ,the wisdom that must come with time and experience is yours4 ,another of the great advantages in being near the top of the mountain is that you can speak from superior knowledge words of comfort and encouragement to those beneath you1 who are still toiling over the path you have trod4 ,such help from you who have been there1 and have now successfully passed the most trying places1 will do more to keep up others' hearts than many sermons preached by one who knows it all only in theory4 ,since old age is inevitable1 do not let us try to pretend that it is not1 and let us never act as if there were any hope of shunning it4 ,on the other hand1 neither should we wish that it were possible for us to evade it4 ,it is just as much of a ,god-ordained period as youth1 and we ought to grow old in the manner in which ,god meant we should4 ,he meant us to keep heart and soul young by constant occupation and by unselfish interest in the affairs of others4 ,i know one woman1 past the fifties1 who is1 the young people declare1 much more fun than any girl4 ,their enjoyments are hers1 and she laughs as heartily over their fun1 sympathizes as sincerely in their disappointments1 as if she were thirty years younger than she is4 ,in fact1 her sympathy is more genuine1 for her age puts her completely beyond the faintest suspicion of rivalry1 and it is easier to tell of one's defeats and triumphs when the listener is too far along in years to be jealous or envious4 ,it should not be necessary for us to call courage into use to reconcile us to our lost youth4 ,plain common sense is all that is requisite4 ,we have gained much on life in the past century4 ,as science has taught us how to ward off death1 so has it instructed us in the art of preserving youth far beyond middle age4 ,over my fireplace hangs a portrait of my grandmother1 one of the loveliest women of her time4 ,she died at the age of fifty1 and in it she wears a mob-cap and an old woman's gown4 ,for years before her death1 she felt that she belonged to the past generation1 did not join in the younger people's occupations1 and claimed her place in the chimney-corner4 ,in her day the dead-line in a man's life was drawn at fifty4 ,now we know that to be out of all reason4 ,if the years of a man's life are three-score-and-ten let us determine to move the dead-line on to seventy1 and claim that we are not old until we have reached that point4 ,and if1 by reason of strength we can hold on to four-score1 let us push it on the ten years farther1 and1 taking courage1 thank ,god for this new lease of life4 ,we do not belong to the past generation1 but to the acting1 working1 living present4 ,our juniors are the rising generation1 and no one belongs to the past except those who have laid aside the burden of life--light to some1 wearisome to others--forever4 ,they are the only ones who have any excuse for stepping out of the ranks4 ,they have done so by their ,captain's order4 ,let us1 who remain1 stand bravely in our places1 that we may be present or accounted for when the roll-call containing our names is read4 ,,chapter ,,xxv4 ,,truth-,,telling4 ,conformity to fact or reality4 ,exact accordance with that which is1 has been1 or shall be4 ,i looked up ,webster's definition of ,truth yesterday1 after overhearing a conversation between two girls in the horse-car4 ,they spoke so loudly that not to hear would have been an impossibility4 ,my attention was first attracted to them by the name of a friend4 ,did you know of ,mr4 ,b4's illness8 asked the younger and more pronounced colloquist4 ,yes1 responded the other2 ,i know he has had pneumonia1 but ,i understand that he is now convalescent4 ,oh1 then1 you haven't heard the latest6 ,the discovery of her companion's ignorance acted upon the girl like magic4 ,she became vivacious1 and beamed with the glow of satisfaction kindled by the privilege of being the first to relate a morsel of news4 ,well1 my dear6 ,mamma and ,i were calling there1 and while ,i was talking to ,miss ,b41 ,i heard ,mrs4 ,b4 tell my mother this awful thing4 ,you know ,mr4 ,b4's sister is a trained nurse 7,i never did believe in trained nurses67 and when he was taken so ill they sent for her to come and take care of him4 ,she got along tolerably well until a few days ago when the doctor prescribed quinine for ,mr4 ,b4 ,by mistake1 she gave him ten grains of morphine4 ,what6 ,yes1 my dear1 she did6 ,it seems like an immense quantity1 but1 as ,i wanted to be accurate 7,i always say that accuracy is a ,christian duty71 ,i asked ,miss ,b4 how many grains her father took1 and she said ',ten6' ,well6 the poor victim slept thirty hours1 and they were so frightened that they sent for the doctor4 ,he said that1 fortunately1 no harm was done1 but that it was an unpardonable piece of carelessness4 ,they discharged the nurse forthwith4 ,she ought to have been arrested and punished1--not turned loose upon a confiding community4 ,yet you say she is his own sister8 ,yes1 indeed6 and the family have always been perfectly devoted to her6 ,but they have sent her to the right-about now4 ,it is too bad6 ,a family row is such an unfortunate thing4 ,they may be thankful not to have a murder-case to deal with6 ,strangely enough1 ,i was en route for the house of my friend1 ,mrs4 ,b41 and as the car1 at this juncture1 crossed the street on which she lived1 ,i motioned to the conductor to ring the bell1 and alighted before hearing more of that remarkable tale4 ,being acquainted with the whole matter as it actually occurred1 ,i was amused and indignant1 as well as curious1 to learn how this girl had received the wretchedly garbled version of an affair1 the facts of which were these3 ,when ,mr4 ,b4 was suddenly prostrated by an alarming attack of pneumonia1 his sister1 a noble woman who had taken up as her life-work the duties of a trained nurse in a ,boston hospital1 was telegraphed for4 ,as she had a serious case in charge1 it was impossible to obey the summons1 and a ,new ,york nurse was engaged4 ,mr4 ,b4's physician had1 early in his illness1 prepared some powders1 each containing a minute portion of morphine1 and several had been administered to the patient4 ,of late1 he had taken five grains of quinine each morning4 ,a few days before the above mentioned harangue1 the doctor ordered the nurse to double the usual dose of quinine4 ,she1 carelessly1 or misunderstanding the directions1 gave two of the morphine powders4 ,the dose was not large enough to cause more serious injury than throwing the patient into a long and heavy sleep1 and frightening his family4 ,the doctor1 who had engaged the nurse1 discharged her1 as ,mr4 ,b4 was so far improved as to need only such care as his wife and daughter could give him4 ,my curiosity prompted me to inquire of ,mrs4 ,b4 and ,miss ,b41 without divulging my motive1 the particulars of the call they had received from the horse-car orator4 ,i learned that ,mrs4 ,b4 had told the girl's mother the facts of the case while the two daughters were talking together4 ,miss ,b4 said that they1 now and then1 overheard a few words of the conversation between the older women1 and that her companion had made several inquiries concerning it4 ,among others was the query3 ,how many grains of the medicine does your father take every day8 ,miss ,b41 supposing she referred to the quinine1 answered3 ,five1 generally2 but on the day of which mamma speaks1 ten grains were prescribed4 ,and from this scanty amount of rapidly acquired information had grown the story to which ,i had been an amazed listener4 ,behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth6 ,yet this girl did not intend to lie4 ,she gleaned scraps of a conversation1 and allowed a vivid imagination to supply the portions she did not hear4 ,add to this the love of producing a sensation1 which is an inherent trait of many characters1 and behold potent reasons for seven-tenths of the cases of exaggeration which come to our notice1 romances constructed upon the impressionist-picture plan--a thing of splash and glare and abnormal perspective that vitiates the taste for symmetry and right coloring4 ,we all like to be the first to tell a story1 and are anxious to relate it so well that our listeners shall be entertained4 ,that a tale loses nothing in the telling is an established fact1 especially if the narrator thereof observes a lack of interest on the part of his listeners4 ,then the temptation to arouse them to attention becomes almost irresistible and unconsciously one accepts the maxim at which we all sneer1--that it is folly to let the truth spoil a good story4 ,every day we have occasion to hold our heads1 reeling to aching with conflicting accounts of some one incident1 and repeat the question asked almost nineteen hundred years ago3 ,what is truth8 ,we hear much of people who are too frank4 ,these destroyers of the peace of mind of friend and foe alike pride themselves on the fact that they are nothing if not candid1 and always say just what they think4 ,be it understood1 this is not truthfulness4 ,the utterance of unnecessary and unkind criticism1 however honest1 is impertinence1 amounting to insolence4 ,when your frank friend787 tells you that your gown does not fit1 that you dress your hair in such an unbecoming manner1 that your management of your household is not what it should be1 she takes an unwarrantable liberty4 ,if traced back1 the source of these remarks would be found in a large percentage of instances1 in a disagreeable temper1 captious humors1 and a spirit that is anything but ,christian4 ,one may be entirely truthful without bestowing gratuitous advice and admonition4 ,people differ widely in their notions of veracity1 and few would endorse the technical definition with which this talk begins4 ,is it because there is so much intentional falsehood1 so much that is not in exact accordance with that which is1 has been1 or shall be1 or that standards of veracity vary with individual disposition1 and what may be classified as social climatic influences8 ,is it true that in morals there is no stated1 infallible and eternal gauge--the measure of a man--that is1 of an angel8 ,if a lie is something told with the intention to deceive1 as says the catechism1 a nineteenth century ,diogenes would have need to search in a crowd with an electric light in quest of a perfectly truthful man4 ,for our comfort and hope be it recorded that there are men and women who are uniformly veracious1 and still courteous1 who would not descend to falsehood or subterfuge1 yet who are never guilty of the rudeness of making untactful speeches4 ,were there more of such exceptions to the rule of inconsiderate1 exaggerated and recklessly mendacious talk that wounds ear and heart1 the society lie would be no more1 and this flimsy excuse for falsehood would be voted an article too tenuous and threadbare for use4 ,good people1 so-called ,christians1 seldom appreciate what immense responsibility is theirs in setting the example of telling the truth1 the whole truth and nothing but the truth4 ,said an amiable woman to me a few days ago3 ,mrs4 ,smith1 who is a strict ,sabbatarian1 asked me yesterday if ,i had ever been to a ,sunday reception or tea4 ,now1 while ,i do not generally approve of them1 ,i do1 once in a great while1 attend one4 ,but1 rather than shock her by acknowledging the offence ,i lied out of it4 ,it is the only course left for the well-bred in such circumstances4 ,an hour later ,i saw her punish her child for denying that she had committed some piece of mischief of which she was guilty4 ,the mother's excuse to herself probably was that the child told a lie1 she1 a society fib4 ,perhaps the smaller sinner had no reputation for breeding to maintain4 ,the love for drink is not more surely transmitted from father to son than is the habit of lying4 ,once begun in a family1 it rears itself1 like a hooded snake1 all along the line in generation after generation and appears to be an ineradicable evil4 ,it spreads1 too1 as specks in a garnered fruit4 ,we are startled by seeing it in children by the time they can lisp a lie1 and we note in them1 with a sickening at heart1 the father's or grandfather's tendency to secretiveness or deceit1 or the mother's penchant for false excuses4 ,we can scarcely bequeath a greater sorrow to our offspring than to curse them before their birth with this hereditary taint1 which is1 perhaps1 one of the hardest of all evils to correct4 ,it may take the form of exaggerated speech1 of courteous or cowardly prevarication1 or of downright falsehood1 but1 in whatever guise1 it is a curse to the owner thereof as well as to his family4 ,if you are so unfortunate as to have any symptom of it in your blood1 watch your boy or girl from infancy1 and try1 by all the arts in your power1 fighting against nature itself1 even1 to prevent what is bred in the bone from coming out in the flesh4 ,we children of a larger growth can do much toward the correction of this blemish in others as in ourselves by close guard over our own speeches and assertions4 ,there are no sharper1 more intolerant critics than the little ones1 and if they inherit the tendency to insincerity the only way in which you can avert the much-to-be dreaded sin is by being absolutely truthful yourself4 ,cultivate veracity as a virtue1 as a grace1 as a vital necessity for the integrity of the soul4 ,prune excrescences in the shape of loose statements2 if you err in telling a wonderful story1 let it be in cutting down rather than in magnifying4 ,a couple of ciphers less are better than one too many4 ,it is to be feared that for many of us this would be a hard1 although a wholesome task4 ,the trail of the serpent is over us all4 ,we yield heedlessly to the temptation to break promises1 and to the habit of giving false reasons to our children1 little thinking that their grave1 innocent eyes may read our souls more clearly than those of older persons who are not so easily deceived by our tongues4 ,when your child1 although a mere baby in years1 once discovers in you exaggeration or untruthfulness1 he remembers it always1 and you1 from that moment1 lose one of the most precious joys and sacred opportunities of your life--that of inspiring his entire confidence and trust1 and of leading the tiny feet in the seldom-trodden path of ,perfect ,truth4 ,,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,,the ,,gospel ,,of ,,conventionalities4 ,young people are proverbially intolerant1 so ,i listened patiently1 a few days since1 to the outburst of an impetuous girl-friend4 ,oh1 she exclaimed1 we are all such shams6 ,shams8 ,i repeated1 interrogatively4 ,yes1 just that1 shams through and through6 ,we1 you and ,i are no exceptions to the universal rule of1 to quote ,mark ,twain1 'pretending to be what we ain't4' ,we are polite and civil when we feel ugly and cross2 while in company we assume a pleasant expression although inwardly we may be raging4 ,all our appurtenances are make-believes4 ,we wear our handsome clothes to church and concert1 fancying that mankind may be deceived into the notion that we always look like that4 ,food cooked in iron and tin vessels is served in ,french china and cut glass4 ,when children sit down to table as ravenously hungry as small animals1 their natural instincts are curbed1 and they are compelled to eat slowly and 'properly4' ,you see it everywhere and in everything4 ,the whole plan of modern society1 with its manners and usages1 is a system of shams6 ,in contradistinction to this unsparing denunciation1 ,i place ,harriet ,beecher ,stowe's idea of this system of shams4 ,in ,my ,wife and ,i she says3 ,you see we don't propose to warm our house with a wood fire1 but only to adorn it4 ,it is an altar-fire that we will kindle every evening1 just to light up our room1 and show it to advantage4 ,and that is what ,i call woman's genius4 ,to make life beautiful2 to keep down and out of sight the hard1 dry1 prosaic side--and keep up the poetry--that is my idea of our 'mission4' ,i think woman ought to be what ,hawthorne calls ',the ,artist of the ,beautiful4' ,mrs4 ,stowe is in the right4 ,in this commonplace1 fearfully real world1 what would we do without the blessed ,gospel of ,conventionalities8 ,in almost every family there is one member1 frequently the father of the household1 who1 like my young friend1 has no patience with make-believes and eyes all innovations with stern disapproval and distrust4 ,it is pitiful to witness the harmless deceits practiced by mothers and daughters1 the wiles many and varied1 by which they strive to introduce some much-to-be-desired point of table etiquette to which ,papa is opposed4 ,sometimes his protest takes the form of a good-natured laugh and shrug accompanied by the time-battered observation that you can't teach an old dog new tricks4 ,more frequently overtures of this kind are repulsed by the gruff excuse3 ,my father and mother never had any of these new-fangled notions and they got on all right4 ,what was good enough for them is good enough for me6 ,and so paterfamilias continues to take his coffee with1 instead of at the end of1 his dinner1 eats his vegetables out of little sauce plates with a spoon1 insists that meat1 potatoes and salad shall all be placed upon the table at once1 and1 if the father and mother than whom he does not care to rise higher were1 in spite of their excellence1 of the lower class1 he carries his food to his mouth on the blade of his knife1 and noisily sips tea from his saucer4 ,evidently he does not believe in shams1 those little conventionalities1 nearly all of which have some excellent cause for existence1 although we do not always pause to examine into their raison d'etre4 ,they may be founded upon hygienic principles1 or on the idea of the greatest good to the greatest number4 ,many seemingly slight breaches of etiquette1 if practiced by everyone1 would create a state of affairs which even the most ardent hater of les convenances would deplore4 ,if1 for instance1 all men were so entirely a law unto themselves that they despised the rule which commands a man to resign his chair to a lady1 what would become of us poor women8 ,in crowded rooms we would have the pleasure of standing still or walking around the masculine members of the company1 who would sit at ease4 ,were the unmannerly habit of turning the leaves of a book with the moist thumb or finger indulged in by all readers1 the probabilities are that numberless diseases would thus be transmitted from one person to another4 ,it argues an enormous amount of self-conceit in man or woman when he or she calmly refuses to conform to rules of etiquette4 ,in plain language1 we are none of us in ourselves pur et simple so agreeable as to be tolerable without the refinement and polish of manners upon which every artist of the beautiful should insist in her own house4 ,too many mothers and housekeepers think that anything will do for home people4 ,it is our duty to keep ourselves and our children up in the thing in table and parlor manners1 dress and the etiquette of visiting1 letter-writing1 etc4 ,even among well-born people there are certain small tokens of good breeding which are too often neglected4 ,one of these is what a college boy recently described in my hearing as the bread-and-butter letter4 ,at my inquiring look he explained that it was the note of thanks a fellow writes to his hostess after having made a visit at her house--don't you know8 ,this note should be written as soon as possible after the guest returns to her home1 even if she has been entertained for only a night4 ,in it she informs her hostess of her safe arrival1 and thanks her for her kind hospitality4 ,a few lines are all that is necessary4 ,it seems incredible that in decent society anyone should be so little acquainted with the requirements of the drawing-room as to enter a lady's parlor1 and stop to speak to another person before first seeking his hostess and paying her his respects4 ,and yet ,i have seen men come into a room and stop to chat first with one1 then with another friend1 before addressing the entertainer4 ,if1 while searching for the lady of the house in a parlor full of people1 a man is addressed by some acquaintance1 he should merely make an apology and pass on until he has found his hostess4 ,after that he is free to talk with whom he pleases4 ,it is to be hoped that when a man commits the rudeness of passing into a room before a lady instead of giving her the precedence1 it is from forgetfulness4 ,certainly ,i have frequently been the amazed witness of this proceeding4 ,forgetfulness1 too1 may be the cause of a man's tilting back his chair until it sways backward and forward1 meantime burying his hands in the depths of his trousers pockets4 ,but such thoughtlessness is1 in itself1 discourtesy4 ,no man or woman has a right to be absorbed in his or her affairs to the extent of forgetting what is due to other people4 ,the tricks of manner and speech contracted by a boy or young man should be noticed and corrected by mother or sister before they become confirmed habits4 ,such are touching a lady on arm or shoulder to attract her attention1 inquiring ,what say8 or ,is that so8 to indicate surprise1 glancing at the addresses on letters given him to mail1 and consulting his watch in company4 ,it would be difficult to find a better rule for courtesy with which to impress a boy or girl than the advice written by ,william ,wirt to his daughter3 ,the way to make yourself pleasing to others is to show that you care for them4 ,the world is like the miller at ,mansfield 'who cared for nobody1 no1 not he1 because nobody cared for him4' ,and the whole world will serve you so if you give it the same cause4 ,let all1 therefore1 see that you do care for them1 by showing what ,sterne so happily calls 'the small sweet1 courtesies of life1' in which there is no parade1 whose voice is to still1 to ease2 and which manifest themselves by tender and affectionate looks1 and little kind acts of attention1 giving others the preference in every little enjoyment at the table1 walking1 sitting or standing4 ,there is one gross breach of good breeding which can hardly be due to inattention4 ,there is a homely proverb to the effect that one should wash her dirty linen at home1 and it is to the violation of this advice that ,i refer4 ,discussing home matters1 complaining of the actions of members of your family1 or confiding their faults or shortcomings to an outsider1 even though she be your dearest friend1 is as great an act of discourtesy as it is contrary to all the instincts of family love and loyalty4 ,your father may be a hypocrite1 your mother a fool of the ,mrs4 ,nickleby stamp1 your brother a dissipated wretch1 and your sister a professional shop-lifter1 while your husband combines the worst characteristics of the entire family--but as long as you pretend to be on speaking terms with them1 stand up for them against all the rest of the world2 and if matters have come to such a pass that you have severed all connection with them1 let a proper pride for yourself and consideration for the person to whom you are talking deter you from acknowledging their faults4 ,these persons are members of your family--that should be enough to keep you forever silent as to their peccadilloes or sins4 ,but1 if you do not feel this1 for politeness' sake refrain from making your listener supremely uncomfortable by your complaints4 ,no true lady will so far forget her innate ladyhood as to be guilty of this rudeness4 ,to fulfill what ,mrs4 ,stowe calls our mission1 we women must insist on the observance of the conventionalities at home4 ,husbands are sometimes1 even when taken young1 too obstinate to change2 although1 to their credit be it said1 if approached in the right way they will generally try to correct tricks of speech or manner4 ,but with our children there should be no peradventure4 ,upon us is laid the responsibility of making them what we choose1 of developing them into gentlemen1 or neglecting them until they become boors4 ,it is never too early to begin4 ,first impressions are lasting ones1 and the child who1 from the beginning1 is trained to observe the small1 sweet courtesies1 not only when in company1 but in the nursery and with the members of his own family1 will never forget them4 ,we often observe that man does as well as he can1 but he is not the gentleman born4 ,that should1 of itself1 be a lesson to us mothers1 to teach our children1 not only by precept but by example1 to keep alive the altar-fire of conventionality1 and thus to make life warm1 beautiful1 poetic4 ,after all1 may not what the impulsive girl whom ,i quoted at the beginning of this talk termed the sham of life1 be the real1 though hidden side8 ,we read that the things which are seen are temporal2 but the things which are not seen are eternal4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,,familiar ,,or ,,intimate8 ,what makes the difference between those two carriages8 ,i asked a wagon builder1 while examining two light vehicles of the same general build and design4 ,one cost twice as much as the other1 and looked as if it were worth four times as much4 ,some of it is in the material1 but more in the finishing1 was the response4 ,this is of pretty fair wood1 but simply planed and painted1 while this--pointing to the more costly equipage--is as hard as a rock1 and has been rubbed smooth1 then polished until the surface is as fine as silk4 ,then it is flowed all over with the best varnish1 left to dry ten days1 and over-flowed again4 ,that makes all the difference in the look of wagons4 ,two of them may be built just alike1 and one will look like a grocer's errand-cart1 while the other is a regulation gentleman's turnout4 ,it is all the effect of polish and finish4 ,involuntarily my mind reverted to ,mr4 ,turveydrop and his modest assurance that we do our best to polish1 polish1 polish4 ,the carriage builder struck the right chord when he affirmed that finish made all the difference1 and it applies as truly to flesh and blood as to insensate wood4 ,only the wood has sometimes the advantage of taking more kindly to improvement than do human free agents4 ,the rough places on which the effects of polish have not showed are too numerous for me to touch upon more than a few of them in this talk4 ,we will acknowledge that the paint and varnish are not all that is necessary4 ,the wood must be hard and prepared for the flowing process1 if the wagon is to stand the scrutiny of critical eyes4 ,too often the paint is laid on thickly--perhaps too thickly--over indifferent material1 and the first shock or scratch makes it scale and flake off4 ,as the test of the genuineness of the polish must be its durability1 so intimacy is the standard by which we may judge of the finish of the so-called well-bred man or woman4 ,if the refinement be ingrain1 the familiarity which inevitably breeds contempt will never intrude itself4 ,to come down to everyday particulars3 ,one of the unwarrantable familiarities is to enter a friend's house without ringing her door-bell1--unless you have been especially requested to do so4 ,no ground of intimacy on which you and your friend may stand justifies this liberty4 ,the housekeepers are few and far between who1 in their inmost souls1 will not resent this invasion of their domain4 ,it argues an enormous amount of self-conceit on your part when you fancy that you are considered so entirely one of the family that your unannounced presence will never prove an unwelcome intrusion4 ,in country places neighbors contract the habit of running in to see one another4 ,were the truth known1 many a housekeeper1 deep in pie-making and bread-kneading1 would gladly give her handsomest loaf for two minutes in which to smooth her rumpled hair and change her soiled apron4 ,it is only in books that the heroine always looks so charming1 no matter in what labor she may be engaged1 that she would be glad to receive any acquaintance4 ,of course our housewife's husband may see her when she is baking1 and our domestic moralist would argue that what is good enough for him is good enough for callers4 ,perhaps it does not occur to her that the husband has so often found his wife dressed neatly and sweetly that the cooking costume will not make upon him the disagreeable impression it might produce upon a caller who sees her hostess once in this guise where the husband has hundreds of opportunities of beholding her in company clothes4 ,it may be remarked in this connection that the persons who are guilty of lapses like that of entering your front door unannounced are of the same class as those who enter your bed-chamber or sanctum without knocking4 ,this is a rudeness which nothing warrants4 ,there are times when we wish to be alone in our own rooms1 and when we want to feel that we are safe from sudden interruption during the processes of bathing and dressing1 even if the door of our apartment is not locked4 ,one's own room should be so completely her own that her nearest and dearest will not feel at liberty to enter without permission4 ,of course it is frequently the case that two persons1 sisters1 or husband and wife1 or mother and daughter1 occupy the same chamber4 ,when this is the case1 it is theirs wholly and completely1 and they are right to insist that other members of the household shall knock before entering4 ,another evidence of lack of finish is offering gratuitous advice4 ,if your opinion is asked1 it is kind and right that you should give it2 but a safe rule to go by is that unless your advice is requested it is not wanted4 ,it is one of the strangest problems in human nature that one should of her own accord implicate herself in other people's affairs and take upon herself onerous responsibility by giving her unsolicited opinion in matters which do not concern her4 ,it is a disagreeable task1 and a very thankless one4 ,viewed from this standpoint1 ,i am hardly surprised at the price demanded by lawyers for their advice4 ,perhaps the secret of their high fees may be that they decline to give a judgment unless asked for it4 ,our own familiar friends might learn a lesson from them4 ,it is a pity that any well-bred intimate should so far forget herself as to correct another person's child in the presence of the little one's father or mother4 ,that this is frequently done will be certified to by hundreds of mothers who have been made irate by such untimely aids to their discipline4 ,johnny's mother tells him to stop making that noise1 and her visitor adds severely1 ,now1 ,johnny1 do not make that noise any more6 ,susie is saucy to her mamma1 and her mamma's friend reprovingly remarks to the little girl that she is pained and surprised to hear her speak so naughtily to her dear mamma4 ,children resent this1 and are far more keen and observant of these matters than their elders think4 ,little four-year-old and his mamma were spending the day at grandpapa's last week4 ,the family was seated on the veranda when the small man announced his intention to his mamma of going out upon the grass to pick wild flowers4 ,before the mother could reply1 the grandfather stated his objection3 ,no1 child1 the grass is too wet4 ,i am afraid you will get your feet damp4 ,four-year-old was equal to the occasion1 as ,young ,america generally is4 ,thank you1 grandpa1 was the calm response1 but my mamma is here4 ,she can manage me4 ,undoubtedly he was extremely impertinent2 but did not the interference of the grandparent justify the rebuke8 ,every one1 even the lower classes1 those who are considered under-bred1 know that it is an atrocious impertinence to make inquiries of one's best friend as to the state of his finances4 ,but like questions in the form of feelers are of such frequent occurrence that a reminder of this kind is scarcely out of place4 ,there are few persons who deliberately ask you the amount of your income1 but how often does one hear the queries3 ,how much did you pay for that horse of yours8 ,was that gown very expensive8 ,have you a mortgage on that place8 ,how much is the mortgage8 ,what rent do you pay8 ,how much does your table cost you per week8 etc41 etc41 until the unfortunate being at whom this battery of inquiries is aimed feels tempted to forget his polish and finish1 and retort as did the sobbing street boy when questioned by the elderly philanthropic woman as to the cause of his tears3 ,none of your blamed business4 ,the etiquette of the table is supposed to be so thoroughly rooted and grounded into our children from infancy1 and is1 as a rule1 so well understood by all ladies and gentlemen1 that the visitor though a fool1 could scarcely err therein4 ,but this is not the case4 ,at my own board1 a man of the world1 accustomed to excellent society1 told me that he saw no mustard on the table1 and as he always liked it with his meat he would trouble me to order some2 while another man1 a brilliant scholar1 asked at a dinner party1 ,will you tell your butler to bring me a glass of milk8 ,with these men the sandpaper of parental admonition or the flowing varnish of early association had evidently been neglected4 ,intimacy1 and even tender friendship may1 and do1 exist between men and women who are bound to one another by no family tie4 ,familiarity can never decently enter into such a relationship4 ,if you1 as a refined woman1 have a man friend who slaps you on the back1 squeezes your arm to attract your attention1 holds your hand longer than friendship ought to dictate1 and1 without your permission1 calls you in public or in private by your first name1 you need not hesitate to drop him from your list of intimates4 ,he is neither a gentleman nor does he respect you as you deserve4 ,he may be1 in his way1 an estimable man1 but it is not in your way1 and he belongs to the rank of very ordinary acquaintanceship4 ,if a man asks you to call him by his first name1 and your friendship with him justifies it1 do not hesitate to do so2 but if he is the finished article1 he will not imagine that this concession on your part gives him the right to drop unbidden the ,miss or ,mrs4 from your name4 ,a true gentleman does not speak of a lady1 even his betrothed1 to strangers without what boys call the handle to her name4 ,nor should a woman mention men by their last names only4 ,when a young or elderly woman speaks of ,smith1 ,brown or ,jones1 you may make up your mind that the last coat of varnish was neglected when she was finished4 ,always be cautious in making advances toward familiarity4 ,be certain that your friendship is desired before going more than halfway4 ,not long ago ,i heard a woman say gravely of an uncongenial acquaintance whose friendship had been forced upon her3 ,she is certainly my familiar friend4 ,we can never be intimate4 ,,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,,our ,,stomachs4 ,in the best grades of society it is not now considered a sign of refinement to be delicate4 ,when our grandmothers1 and even our mothers1 were girls1 robust health was esteemed almost a vulgarity4 ,now1 the woman who is pale and delicate is not an interesting invalid1 but sometimes an absolute bore4 ,there are exceptions to this rule of pride in indelicate health1--notably among the lower classes4 ,these people having neglected and set at defiance all hygienic rules1 feel that a mark of special distinction is set upon them by their diseases4 ,in fact1 they enjoy poor health1 and take all occasions to discourse to the willing or disgusted listener upon their symptoms1 disorders1 their nerves1 and ,complaints4 ,the final word should be spelt with a huge ,c1 so important a place does it occupy in their estimation4 ,the three ,d's which should be rigidly excluded from polite conversation--,domestics1 ,dress and ,diseases--form the staple of their conversation4 ,and the greatest of these is ,diseases4 ,a farmer's daughter1 whose rosy cheeks and plump figure elicited from me a gratulatory comment upon her robust appearance1 indignantly informed me that she was by no means strong1 and had been doctorin' off and on for a year past for the malaria4 ,do you eat and sleep tolerably well8 ,oh1 yes1 with the plaintive whine peculiar to the would-be invalid4 ,i sleep dreadful heavy4 ,i take a nap each day for a couple of hours4 ,and ,i must have a pound of beefsteak or mutton-chops for dinner4 ,the fever makes me that hungry6 ,you see it devours all that ,i eat1 and the strength of the food goes to that4 ,had any one pointed out to the deluded girl the folly of her theory1 and explained that the fever patient becomes almost crazed from the restlessness that will not allow him to sleep1 and that he loathes the very thought of food with a disgust that makes the daintiest dishes prepared by loving hands as gritty cinders between his teeth1 she would have smiled patronizing superiority1 and explained at length that her complaint was a peculiar one1--no common1 everyday illness4 ,with this class1 stomach disorders and their attendant sufferings1 such as giddiness1 shortness of breath and pain in the side1 are always attributed to cardiac irregularity4 ,there may be a lack of appetite and dull or acute pain following eating1 and the fetid breath arising from a disordered condition of the stomach2 but they resent the notion that their heart disease is dyspepsia1 and would1 in all probability1 discharge the physician who recommended pepsin and judicious diet4 ,perhaps the most discouraging feature of this class of persons is that they are ignorant and obstinate in this ignorance4 ,the opinion of all the medical fraternity in the country would1 in the farmer's daughter's estimation1 be unworthy of consideration compared with the advice or suggestion advanced by one of her own kind4 ,the practitioner among the unlearned has fearful odds to contend with in trying to bring an ignorant patient under his regimen4 ,one word from sister1 cousin or aunt1 and the invalid will cast aside the physician's remedies1 and take quarts of some patent medicine4 ,if you should question your laundress or cook1 or your farmer's wife1 you would be appalled to discover what peculiar notions she has of her physical make-up4 ,it would be interesting and astounding to allow one of these people to draw a chart of her interior machinery1 as she supposes it to be4 ,it would bear as little resemblance to the reality as did the charts of the ancients who antedated ,tycho ,brahe1 ,pythagoras1 and ,copernicus1 to the celestial charts of the nineteenth century4 ,one would note especially the prominence given to certain organs4 ,the stomach is almost1 if not entirely1 ignored4 ,it is a matter for speculation why this valuable factor of the human system should be regarded with some disfavor by the ignorant4 ,they joyfully admit the existence of the heart1 brain and kidneys1 and even the liver1 and discourse with zestful unction on their own peculiar and special diseases of these organs2 but suggest not to them that the stomach is out of sorts4 ,this is not1 in their estimation1 a romantic ,complaint4 ,their specialty is ,nerves4 ,to hear the frequency with which they attribute to these all uncomfortable sensations1 one would imagine that the victims were made by a special pattern1 like the tongue1 of ends of nerves1 all super-sensitive4 ,the ,nerves are a mysterious portion of their being1 to whose account everything is laid1 from extreme irritability and vexation1 to nausea and rheumatism4 ,my nerves are that sensitive6 is a universal complaint4 ,it is difficult for the average mind to grasp the reason why the stomach1 man's best friend and worst enemy1 should be made of no account1 and repudiated with such indignant resentment4 ,surely the giddiness occasioned by a tendency of blood to the head is no more romantic than the dizziness induced by gaseous fermentation of matter in the stomach4 ,the digestive organs should and do receive vast consideration from the medical profession4 ,how often do we hear it said of some man lying at the point of death that as long as his digestive functions are duly performed there is hope2 and how often1 after the crisis is past1 do we learn from the jubilant doctor that the patient's stomach was his salvation6 ,if that had failed1 nothing could have saved him4 ,let me recommend1 as the pre-eminent duty of the sensible reader1 care of the stomach and the alimentary apparatus4 ,by care ,i do not mean dosing4 ,with too many people the science of hygiene is confined in their imagination and practice to remedial measures4 ,of the weightier matters of precaution they reck nothing4 ,once in so often they take a course of physic4 ,this is done not so much because it is needed1 as on principle1 and because they have somewhere heard that it is a good thing to do4 ,so1 although all the digestive functions may be performing their part in a perfectly proper and regular manner1 they must be weakened and irritated by draughts which do more harm than good4 ,old proverbs are often the truest1 and this may be affirmed of the adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure4 ,do not1 if by care you can prevent it1 allow your stomach to become disordered2 but if1 in spite of care1 it is irritated1 soothe instead of punishing it4 ,manage it as you sometimes control a fretful child1--by letting it severely alone4 ,a few hours' fasting is an excellent remedy1 and may continue until a feeling of faintness warns you that nature needs your assistance4 ,then eat slowly a little light food1 such as milk-toast or very hot beef-tea4 ,quiet and diet work more wonders than quarts of medicine4 ,if your digestive organs are susceptible to disorder1 be reasonably careful about what you eat1 even though you consider yourself quite well4 ,what a stomach has once done in the line of misbehavior1 a stomach may do again4 ,if a pitcher has in it a tiny flaw1 it may crack when filled with boiling liquid4 ,if you know of some article of food which disagrees with you1 let it alone4 ,if you are inclined to dyspepsia1 eschew hot breads1 pastry1 fried or greasy food1 nuts and many sweets4 ,avoid becoming dependent upon any medicine to ward off indigestion1 if by care in your diet you can accomplish the same purpose4 ,many dyspeptics take an inordinate amount of bicarbonate of soda1 an excellent corrective to acidity of the stomach when partaken of occasionally1 and in small portions4 ,in some cases1 large and frequent doses have produced a cancerous condition of the coating of the stomach1 which has resulted in death4 ,it sounds ridiculous to speak of dependence upon soda-mint and pepsin tablets degenerating into an incurable habit1 but there are some people to whom they are as necessary after each meal as were snuff and quids of tobacco to the old people seventy years ago4 ,nature has provided a wonderful system of drains for carrying away the effete matter of the body4 ,the effect caused by the neglect of these is akin to that produced by the choking of the waste-pipes in a house4 ,if they become stopped1 you send in haste for a plumber1 that he may correct the trouble before it causes illness4 ,if this state of affairs is allowed to continue in the human body1 the system takes up the poison which slowly but surely does its work4 ,next to the special organs designed for this plan of sewerage1 the skin takes the most active part in disposing of impurities in the blood4 ,the tiny pores are so many little doors through which the mischief may pass harmlessly away4 ,but these pores must be kept open1 and the only way to accomplish this end is by the free use of soap and warm water4 ,this is such a homely remedy that it is sometimes sneered at and often overlooked4 ,certain portions of the body1 such as the face and hands1 are frequently washed1 while other parts which are covered by the clothing are neglected4 ,the entire body1 especially in the creases where perspiration accumulates1 should be sponged once a day1 if one perspires freely4 ,while sponging is excellent1 a plunge bath should be frequently indulged in1 as it opens the pores and thoroughly cleanses the entire surface4 ,another desideratum is exercise1 regular and abundant4 ,housework and walking are all that a woman needs1 although she may find great pleasure as well as benefit from horseback riding1 rowing and tennis4 ,but let her not allow herself to tax her strength to the point of over-weariness4 ,the amount of sleep needed by a woman is a mooted point1 but unless she is what slangy boys term constitutionally tired1 she should sleep enough at night to ensure her against drowsiness in the daytime4 ,for the elderly and feeble1 an occasional nap after the noonday meal1 especially during the warm weather1 will prove most refreshing4 ,try to bear in mind that you are not the only one concerned in your health4 ,higginson1 in speaking of the duty of girls to observe all hygienic laws1 tells us that1 unless our girls are healthy1 the country is not safe4 ,the fate of institutions may hang on the precise temperament which our next president shall have inherited from his mother4 ,,chapter ,,xxix4 ,,cheerfulness ,,as ,a ,,christian ,,duty4 ,near me stands an anniversary present from a dear friend4 ,it is a large loving cup1 and is just now full of my favorite nasturtiums--glowing as if they held in concentrated form all the sunshine which has brought them to their glory of orange1 crimson1 gold and scarlet4 ,the ware of which the cup is made is a rich brownish-yellow in color1 and between each of the three handles is a dainty design in white-and-cream1 surrounded by an appropriate motto4 ,the one turned toward me at present forms the text of my present talk and will1 ,i hope1 prove a happy hint to some of my readers3 ,be always as happy as ever you can1 ,for no one delights in a sorrowful man4 ,the rhyming couplet has set me to thinking1 long and seriously1 upon the duty of cheerfulness1 a duty which we owe not only to our fellow-men1 but to ourselves4 ,it is such an uncomfortable thing to be miserable that ,i marvel that any sensible human being ever gives way to the inclination to look on the dark side of life4 ,in writing this article1 ,i wish to state in the beginning that the women to whom it is addressed are not those over whom bereavement has cast dark shadows4 ,for genuine grief and affliction ,i have vast and unbounded sympathy4 ,for imaginary woes ,i have none4 ,there is a certain class of sentimentalists to whom it is positive joy to be made to weep1 and the longer they can pump up the tears the more content they are4 ,these are people who have never known a heart-sorrow4 ,they revel in books that end in death1 and they listen to the details of a dying-bed scene with ghoulish interest4 ,had genuine bereavement ever been theirs1 they would find only harrowing pain in such things4 ,shallow brooks always gurgle most loudly in passing over the stones underlying them4 ,the great and mighty river flows silently and calmly above the large boulders hidden far below the surface4 ,the women of this sentimental class are those that read and write verses upon tiny graves1 dainty coffins1 and baby shrouds4 ,the other day a friend shuddered audibly over the poem1 admired by many1 entitled--,the ,little ,white ,hearse4 ,just listen1 she exclaimed1 to this last verse6 ,after describing the grief of the mother whose baby has just ridden to what she calls 'its long1 lasting sleep1' she further harrows up the feelings by winding up with3-- ',i know not her name1 but her sorrow ,i know-- ,while ,i paused on that crossing ,i lived it once more4 ,and back to my heart surged that river of woe ,that but in the heart of a mother can flow-- ,for the little white hearse has been1 too1 at my door4' ,how could she write it8 ,how could she bring herself to put that down in black and white with the memory of the baby she has lost1 in her mind8 ,my dear1 quietly answered a deep-natured1 practical woman1--either the author of that poem is incapable of such suffering as some mothers endure1 or the little white hearse has never stopped at her door4 ,if it had1 she could not have written the poem4 ,she who talks out her pain is not the one who is killed by it4 ,a peculiarity of hopeless cases of cancer is that the sufferer therefrom has a dread of mentioning the horror that is eating away her life4 ,since1 then1 imaginary woe is a species of self-indulgence1 let us stamp that healthful person who gives way to it as either grossly selfish or foolishly affected4 ,illness is the only excuse for such weakness1 and even then will-power may do much toward chasing away the blue devils4 ,some people find it harder than others to be uniformly cheerful4 ,while one man is1 as the saying is1 born happy1 another inherits a tendency to look upon the sombre aspect of every matter presented to him4 ,to the latter1 the price of cheerfulness is eternal vigilance lest he lapse into morbidness4 ,but after a while habit becomes second nature4 ,i do not advocate the idea of taking life as a huge joke4 ,the man or woman who does this1 throws the care and responsibility that should be his or hers upon some other shoulders4 ,my plea is for the brave and bright courage that makes labor light4 ,when we work1 let us work cheerfully2 when we play1 let us play with our whole hearts4 ,in this simple rule lies the secret of the youth that endures long after the hair is white and the ,delectable ,mountains are in sight4 ,there is no habit of more fungus-like growth than that of melancholy1 yet many good people give way to it4 ,some ,christians go through this life as if it were indeed a vale of tears1 and they1 having been put in it without their consent were determined to make the worst of a bad bargain1 and to be as wretched as opportunity would allow4 ,how much better to consider this very good world as a garden1 whose beauty depends largely upon our individual exertions to make it fair4 ,we may cultivate and enjoy the flowers1 or let them become so overrun with underbrush that the blossoms are smothered and hidden under the dank growth of the evil-smelling and common weeds4 ,said a clergyman to one of his depressed and downcast parishioners3 ,my friend1 your religion does not seem to agree with you4 ,only a few chapters back ,i quoted from the ,apostle of ,cheerfulness--,dr4 ,holmes--that most quotable of men4 ,but he expresses what ,i would say so much more clearly than ,i can1 that once more ,i refer my readers to him4 ,i do not apologize for doing so4 ,this last one of the noble company of ,america's great writers1 who have passed away during the last ten years1 cannot be read too much or loved too dearly4 ,let us see1 what he1 as ,autocrat of the ,breakfast ,table1 has to say on this subject4 ,oh1 indeed1 no6 ,i am not ashamed to make you laugh occasionally4 ,i think ,i could read you something which ,i have in my desk which would probably make you smile4 ,perhaps ,i will read it one of these days if you are patient with me when ,i am sentimental and reflective2 not just now4 ,the ludicrous has its place in the universe2 it is not a human invention1 but one of the divine ideas1 illustrated in the practical jokes of kittens and monkeys long before ,aristophanes or ,shakespeare4 ,how curious it is that we always consider solemnity and the absence of all gay surprises and encounter of wits as essential to the idea of the future life of those whom we thus deprive of half their faculties1 and then call blessed4 ,there are not a few who1 even in this life1 seem to be preparing themselves for that smileless eternity to which they look forward by banishing all gayety from their hearts and all joyousness from their countenances4 ,i meet one such in the street not infrequently--a person of intelligence and education1 but who gives me 7and all that he passes71 such a rayless and chilling look of recognition--something as if he were one of ,heaven's assessors1 come down to 'doom' every acquaintance he met--that1 ,i have sometimes begun to sneeze on the spot1 and gone home with a violent cold dating from that instant4 ,i don't doubt he would cut his kitten's tail off if he caught her playing with it4 ,please tell me who taught her to play with it8 ,it is one of the unexplained mysteries of human nature that people receive their griefs as direct from the hand of ,god1 but not their joys4 ,why does not a kind ,father mean for us to profit by the one as much as by the other8 ,and since into nearly every life falls more sunshine than shadow1 why leave the sunny places and go out of our way to sit and mope in the darkest1 dreariest shade we can find8 ,i believe in the ,gospel of ,cheerfulness4 ,it is your duty and mine to get every drop of cream off of our own especial pan of milk4 ,and if we do have to drink skim milk1 shall we throw away the cream on that account8 ,if it were not to be used it would not be there4 ,god does not make things to have them wasted4 ,all of us have our worries--some small1 some great--and the strength and depth of our characters are proved by the way in which we meet the trials4 ,cheerfulness is ,god's own messenger to lighten our burdens and to make our times of joy even more bright and beautiful4 ,have you noticed how1 as soon as you can laugh over a vexation1 the sting of it is gone8 ,and the best of it all is that you cannot be happy yourself without casting a little light1 even though it be but reflected sunshine1 into some other life4 ,william ,dunbar1 in #adgi1 said3 ,be merry1 man1 and take not sair to mind ,the wavering of this wretched world of sorrow3 ,to ,god be humble1 to thy friend be kind1 ,and with thy neighbor gladly lend and borrow2 ,his chance to-night1 it may be thine to-morrow6 ,be blyth in heart for any aventure1 ,how oft with wise men it has been said aforow1 ,without gladness availes no treasure4 ,,chapter ,,xxx4 ,,the ,,family ,,invalid4 ,one of the most anomalous of the inconsistencies peculiar to human nature is that we who are flesh1 and consequently liable to all the ills to which flesh is heir1 should know so little about the manner in which to check or1 at least1 alleviate these miseries4 ,in the average household the proper care of the sick is an unknown art1 or one so little understood that illness would seem to be an impossible contingency4 ,the chamber of illness is at best a sadly uncomfortable place1 and it is the duty of the nurse1 be she a hireling or the nearest and dearest of kin to the prostrate inhabitant thereof1 to be cognizant of the methods of tending and easing the unfortunate being during the trying period of his enforced idleness4 ,only those who have been confined to a sick couch can appreciate its many trying features4 ,the looker-on sees a man or woman uncomfortable or in pain1 lying in an easy bed1 the best place for sick folk1 with nothing to trouble him beyond the bodily malease which holds him there4 ,he is merely laid aside for repairs1 and1 if the observer be somewhat wearied and overworked1 he is conscious of a pang of envy4 ,but he does not think of the sleepless nights through which the monotonous ticking of the clock is varied only by the striking of the hours1 each one of them seeming double its actual length2 or of the aching head and limbs2 the feverish restlessness which makes repose an impossibility2 or--most trying of all--the dumb nausea and loathing of the food1 which1 as one poor woman complained of meals partaken in bed1 tastes of the mattress and covers6 ,the member of the family who is laid low by illness should receive the first consideration of the entire household4 ,intelligent care and nursing will be of more benefit than medicines4 ,an old poem1 written over two hundred and fifty years ago1 struck the right chord when it advised3 ,use three physicians3 ,first1 ,dr4 ,quiet1 ,then ,dr4 ,merryman1 and ,dr4 ,diet4 ,noise and disturbance of whatever description must be an unknown quantity in a sick room4 ,there ,dr4 ,quiet should hold undisputed and peaceful sway4 ,felt or soft kid slippers1 devoid of any offensive squeak1 should be worn1 and loud tones and exclamations prohibited4 ,on the other hand1 do not whisper to any person who chances to be in the room4 ,whispering arouses the patient's curiosity and suspicions1 and1 if he be asleep1 the sibilant sound will pierce his slumbers and awaken him4 ,let all remarks be made in a low-pitched undertone4 ,never1 even at the risk of causing offence1 allow discussion of any subject to occur in the presence of the invalid4 ,you may imagine that he does not mind it1 that his mind will be diverted2 but the argument ended1 there may be noticed a flush on the cheek and a rapidity of breathing that bodes ill4 ,one admirable physician makes it a rule never to permit political or religious topics to be canvassed in the hearing of one of his cases1 as a wide experience has taught him that such matters cannot be talked of without causing some degree of excitement1 and thus retarding the patient's progress on the road toward health4 ,for the same reason1 try1 by every effort1 to keep your charge from thinking of work which should be done1 and of any possible inconvenience he may be causing4 ,there never was1 and never will be1 a convenient time for a person to be ill1 so1 whenever it comes1 resolve to make the best of it4 ,there is no greater cruelty than that of allowing a sick person to imagine that1 but for his ill-timed indisposition1 you might be able to go here or there1 or to do this or that4 ,under such an idea the couch becomes a bed of clipped horse-hairs to the helpless sufferer1 and he feels himself to be a useless hulk4 ,this unkindness is oftentimes unintentional1 and due more to thoughtlessness than to deliberate hard-heartedness4 ,to avoid causing such discomfort do not look worried or distracted while ministering to your patient's wants1 and do not fussily fly around in straightening and setting the room to rights4 ,let everything be done decently and in order1 rapidly and quietly4 ,another desideratum of the chamber of illness is cleanliness in the minutest particular4 ,when the disease permits it1 the sick person should be sponged all over daily1 the teeth cleansed and the hair brushed4 ,wash the face and hands often during the day1 as this process rests and refreshes4 ,the same gown should not be worn day and night1 and the sheets must be changed frequently4 ,if practicable1 place a lounge at the side of the bed and lift or roll the patient off upon that1 and turn mattresses and beat up pillows before re-making the bed4 ,if this cannot be done with safety1 the sheets may be removed1 and others adjusted1 simply by moving the invalid from one side to the other of the bed1 rolling up the soiled sheet closely to the body1 and spreading on the clean one in its place4 ,then the patient may be moved back to his original place1 and the fresh sheet spread on the other side of the couch4 ,air the room often1 covering the patient warmly for a moment while you let in a sluice of ozone4 ,do not allow the chamber to become overheated1 or to grow so cold as to chill the hands and face4 ,the sick person may wear over the shoulders a flannel nightingale or jacket1 to leave the arms at liberty4 ,in preparing the tray of food1 let everything be as dainty as possible4 ,use for this purpose your choicest china and whitest linen4 ,one important rule with regard to food is1 ,give a very little at a time1 and avoid vulgar abundance4 ,the sight of the loaded plate will discourage a weak appetite1 and the delicate stomach will revolt at the suggestion of accepting such a mass4 ,a small bird1 a neatly trimmed ,french chop1 a bit of tenderloin steak1 or tender broiled chicken1 will be eaten1 when1 if two chops or half a steak were offered1 not a mouthful would be swallowed4 ,to the well and strong this may seem like folly1 but let us1 in our strength1 pity and humor the weaknesses of those upon whom ,god has laid suffering4 ,it takes all the ingenuity and tact which love can muster to make a sick-room tolerable1 and food anything but distasteful4 ,a poor consumptive girl had fancied that she could eat a few raw oysters1 and the physician cheerfully prescribed them4 ,at his next visit he was met by the mother1 who informed him with dismay that her daughter would not touch the delicacy--her stomach turned against it the instant the dish was brought in4 ,how many did you let her see8 he asked4 ,two dozen6 ,which would have daunted a well man1 madam6 said the wise man4 ,give her one at a time--cold and crisp1 upon your best china plate1 and tell her that is all she can have for at least an hour4 ,make her think that her appetite is under restraint4 ,this is in itself a stimulant4 ,the hint is valuable4 ,in administering medicine1 be careful to follow the physician's directions as to quantity and time of taking4 ,do not prepare the dose in the presence of the patient1 as it may make him exceedingly nervous to watch the dropping or pouring of the drug2 and after it has been swallowed1 put bottle and spoon out of sight4 ,in too many families there exists sinful ignorance as to what should be done in case of illness before the doctor arrives4 ,if a child comes in from play1 hoarse and feverish1 with nausea and pain in the head1 he is often allowed to sit or lie about the house until the disagreeable symptoms become so pronounced as to cause alarm1 and the physician is summoned4 ,the sufferer should have his feet soaked in hot water1 be put to bed1 and some anti-febrine like aconite administered until a slight perspiration is induced4 ,aconite is such deadly poison that the mother must be sure she knows just in what quantity to give it4 ,the dose for a child from three to six years of age is half a drop in a teaspoonful of water1 every hour until the feverishness disappears4 ,unless serious illness is beginning1 the chances are that1 under this treatment1 the little one will be almost well by the next day4 ,mothers would do well to make a study of children's ailments and their proper treatment4 ,above all1 the matter of diet should be comprehended4 ,it is appalling to see the conglomeration of indigestible substances which a sick person is allowed to eat4 ,all children should be trained to take medicine1 and to submit to any prescribed dietary without resistance4 ,to keep up your patient's courage be1 or at all events seem1 cheerful4 ,wise old ,solomon1 in his day1 knew that a merry heart did good like a medicine1 and the morsel of wisdom is no less true now than then4 ,such being the case1 bring into the presence of the sufferer a bright face and undisturbed demeanor4 ,much may be said on the other side of the question1 i4e41 from the nurse's standpoint4 ,there are patients and patients1 and some of them are impatients4 ,it is a pity for a sick person to allow himself to so far lose control over his temper and manners as to be disagreeable when all that tender care and nursing can do is his4 ,but really ill people are seldom cross1 and the tried nurse may take to heart the comforting thought that one rarely hears of a man dying in a bad humor4 ,it is undoubtedly discouraging to have a patient turn away from a carefully prepared dainty with a shudder of disgust and revulsion4 ,it may sound harsh to say it1 but nobody1 sick or well1 has the right to do such an unkind and rude thing4 ,any one in extreme bodily discomfort cannot be always smiling and uttering thanks1 but he can be gentle and appreciative of the efforts that are made toward mitigating his distress4 ,on his own account1 as well as for the sake of his attendant1 he should keep up a semblance of cheerfulness1 the moral force of which is great4 ,on the part of patient and nurse there must be self control and forbearance1 which if closely practiced may bring sunshine into the most darkly shaded chamber of suffering4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi4 ,a ,,temperance ,,talk4 7,frank and ,personal47 ,a correspondent sends me1 under cover of a personal letter1 this request3 ,will ,marion ,harland show her hand upon the temperance question8 ,the occasional mention of wine1 brandy1 etc41 in her cookery-books1 and her silence upon a subject of such vital moment to humanity1 may predispose many to doubt her soundness as to the apostle's injunction to be 'temperate in all things4' ,to clear decks for action1 ,i observe that the text quoted by my catechist contains no injunction but an impersonal statement of the truth that ,every man that striveth for the mastery 7or in the games7 is temperate in all things4 ,the apostle is likening the running and wrestling of the ,olympic games to the ,christian warfare1 and throws in the pregnant reminder that he who is training for race or fight must1 as he says elsewhere1 ,keep his body under4 ,the same rules hold good with the athlete of to-day4 ,while training1 he neither drinks strong liquors nor smokes4 ,the stringency of the regulation1 ,i interject in passing1 is a powerful argument laid ready to the hand of the advocates of total abstinence4 ,a habit that so far injures the physical powers as to tell upon the action of heart1 brains1 lungs or muscles1 must be an evil to any human being1 however healthy4 ,the ,chief ,apostle1 in another place1 admonishes his neophytes to let their moderation be known of all men4 ,the revised version translates the word forbearance or gentleness4 ,we will try to keep both texts in mind during the informal homily that is the outcome of the question put to my surprised self4 ,surprised1 because in the course of thirty-odd years of literary life ,i have had so many opportunities of showing my hand upon this and other great moral issues1 and have improved them so diligently that my readers should by now be tolerably familiar with the platform on which ,i stand4 ,not being a card player1 and knowing absolutely nothing of the technicalities of the game1 ,i am at a loss whether or not to look for an implication of underhand work in the phrase chosen by the inquisitor4 ,if she means that ,i have kept aught back which that part of the reading public that does me the honor to be interested in my work has a right to know1 ,i hope in the course of this paper to disabuse her mind of the impression4 ,as a means to this end1 ,i wish to put upon record disapproval that amounts to detestation of the practice of drinking anything that1 in the words of the old temperance pledge ,i took when a child1 will make drunk come4 ,that was the way it ran4 ,the ,rev4 ,thomas ,p4 ,hunt1 one of the best known temperance lecturers in ,america1 used to make us stand up in a body and chant it1 he keeping time with head and hand1 and the boys imitating him4 ,we do not think ,we'll ever drink ,brandy or rum1 ,or anything that makes drunk come ,i have never changed my mind on that head4 ,what ,i thought then1 ,i know now1 that for half a century ,i have seen what desolation drunkenness has wrought in our land4 ,i never see a boy toss off his cocktail1 or cobbler1 or sling1 or by whatever other name the devil's brew is disguised1 with the mannish1 knowing air that proves him to be as weak as water1 when he would have you think him strong as--fusel oil6--that ,i do not recall the vehement outburst in ,mrs4 ,mulock-,craik's ,a ,life for a ,life1 of the old clergyman whose only son had filled a drunkard's grave3 ,if ,i had a son1 and he liked wine1 as a child does1 perhaps--a pretty little boy1 sitting at table and drinking healths at birthdays2 or a schoolboy1 proud to do what he sees his father doing--,i would take his glass from him1 and fill it with poison--deadly poison--that he might kill himself at once1 rather than grow up to be his friends' curse and his own damnation--a drunkard6 ,i lack words in which to express my contempt for the petty ambition1 rooted and grounded in vanity1 that urges a young fellow to prove the steadiness of his brain by tippling what he does not want1 or even like4 ,for not one in fifty of those who take nips and coolers1 cared for the taste of the perilous stuff at the first or twentieth trial4 ,he proved himself a man1 one of the stronger parts of creation1 by pouring liquid fire down his quailing throat until he could do so without winking4 ,he swears and smokes cigarettes at street corners for the same reason4 ,i love a dog6 exclaimed a lively young girl1 patting a big ,st4 ,bernard4 ,would ,i were a dog6 sighed an amorous dude4 ,oh1 you'll grow6 retorted the fair one1 consolingly4 ,i feel like plagiarizing the saucy hit1 in witnessing the desperate efforts aforementioned on the part of our mistaken boy4 ,sometimes 7let us thank a merciful heaven that this is so67 he does grow out of the folly1 and into manly self-contempt at the recollection of it4 ,often--ah6--the pity and the shame of it6 ,if somebody were to make it fashionable to take belladonna1 aconite or prussic acid in safe doses1 three1 or six1 or a dozen times a day in defiance of all the medical science in the world1 the would-be man would never be content until he had overcome natural repugnance to the bitters1 and rate himself as so much higher in the scale of being by the length of time his constitution could hold out against the deadly effect of the potation--plume himself upon his superiority to men who killed themselves by taking a like quantity4 ,to drink one glass of wine or spirits a day is to venture upon thin ice2 when the one glass has become the three that our boy must have1 it is but a question of time how soon the treacherous crust will give way4 ,clearly1 then--so clearly that it is difficult to see how anybody1 however blinded by self-conceit1 can fail to perceive it--the only safe thing is to let liquor as a beverage alone4 ,the practice is1 at the best1 like kindling the kitchen fire every morning with kerosene4 ,insurance agents are slow to take risks upon property where this is the rule4 ,nobody is so besotted as to ask1 ,does dram-drinking pay8 ,there is not a sane man or woman in ,america who would hesitate in the reply1 and the answers would all be the same4 ,if he is a fool who tempts the approach of appetite that may--that does in seventy-five times out of one hundred--become deadly and incurable disease1 what shall we say of the strong head that espies no sin in social convivialities with the weak brother8 ,let me tell one or two stories of the score that rush upon my memory with the approach to this part of my subject4 ,forty years ago ,i sat down to the dinner-table of a man who stood high in the community and church4 ,he was a liberal liver1 as his father had been before him4 ,that father had taken his toddy tri-daily for seventy years1 and died in the odor of sanctity4 ,they could do such things in that day1 and never transcend the three-glass limit4 ,my godly grandfather did the same1 and was never one whit the worse for liquor in his life4 ,their sons and grandsons cannot do it without ruining themselves1 body and soul4 ,i italicize the sentence4 ,i wish ,i could write it in letters of fire over the door of every liquor saloon4 ,it may be the climate2 it may be the high-pressure1 fever-heated rate of modern living2 it may as well be that those honest men who made their own apple whiskey and peach brandy1 by their daily dram-drinking transmitted the taste which adulterated liquors1 in the generation following1 were to lash into uncontrollable appetite4 ,but to my story4 ,my father1 one of the first in his day to set the example of total abstinence for his brethren and companions' sake1 had spoke repeatedly in my presence of the harm done by social drinking1 and what influence women could exert for or against the custom4 ,so ,i declined wine upon general principles when it was offered by the courtly host4 ,no verbal comment was made upon my singular conduct1 but the pert fifteen-year-old son of the house took occasion to drink my health with a dumb grimace1 and beckoned the butler audaciously to fill up his glass1 and a distinguished clergyman1 whose parishioner the host was1 looked polite astonishment across the table at the girl who dared4 ,he took his wine gracefully--pointedly1 it seemed to me--an example imitated by his curate1 a much younger man4 ,when we returned to the drawing-room1 the master of the house sought me out1 and began to rally me upon the attentions of a young man in the company to myself1 in such a fashion that my cheeks flushed hotly with indignant astonishment4 ,lifting my eyes to his1 ,i saw that he was drunk6 ,the horror and dismay of the discovery were inconceivable4 ,the rest of the interview1 which was ended by his wife's appearance upon the scene to coax him off to his room1 left an indelible impression upon my mind4 ,the ,spartans had a way of drenching a helot with liquor1 then parading him in his drunken antics before the boys of the town to disgust them with dram-drinking4 ,my object-lesson was the more striking because ,i had honored the inebriate4 ,the eloquent rector read the burial service over him ten years ago4 ,for over twenty years he had been a hopeless sot1 beggared in fortune1 wrecked in reputation--a by-word and a hissing in a town where he had once stood among the best and purest4 ,he outlived his son1 who drank himself to death before he was thirty4 ,another and later experience was in a fine old farm-house in the ,middle ,states4 ,there had been a birthday celebration1 and neighbors and friends gathered about a board laden with country dainties1 and congratulated the worthy couple who presided over the feast upon the four stalwart sons who1 with their wives and children1 were settled upon and about an estate that had been for six generations in the family4 ,hale1 merry fellows they were--a little more red of face and loud of talk than was quite seemly in a stranger's eyes1 but industrious and forehanded1 and kind of heart to parents1 wives and babies4 ,after dinner we sat under the cherry trees upon the lawn1 and one of the sons brought out a round table1 another a tray of glasses1 another a monster bowl of milk punch4 ,everybody pledged the patriarch's health in the creamy potation except myself4 ,again1 ,i acted upon general principles4 ,were ,i a wine-bibber ,i should never touch glasses with a young man1 or offer him anything that could make drunk come4 ,disliking spirituous draughts of all kinds1 and with the object-lesson of my girlhood branded upon memory1 ,i refused to taste the brimming glass1 even when the pastor of the household1 a genial dominie1 rallied me upon my abstinence4 ,he offered gallantly1 when he found me obdurate1 to drink my share1 and had his glass replenished by the reddest-faced and loudest-mouthed of the farmer-sons4 ,you're the right sort1 dominie6 he said1 with a roar of laughter1 filling the tumbler until it ran over and into the pastor's cuffs4 ,whereat the farmer laughed yet more uproariously4 ,one of the four young men died a while ago of delirium tremens1 and not one of the other three has drawn a sober breath in years4 ,the parents are dead1 the old farm is sold1 and the brothers are all poor4 ,rum has done it all4 ,i do not imply that either of these scenes had any marked influence upon the destiny of the slaves of appetite1 except as they were encouraged to pursue a course tacitly approved by the wise and good4 ,but ,i am thankful that ,i did not lend the weight of a straw to the downward slide4 ,woe unto him that putteth the cup to his neighbor's lips6 says the ,book of books4 ,there might be subjoined1 ,or helps to hold it there when the neighbor's own hand has lifted it6 ,had ,i my way1 not one drop of intoxicating liquors should be sold1 except by druggists1 and then only by a physician's prescription4 ,for--and here comes the answer to the second part of my querist's appeal--,i hold that pure brandy1 wine and whiskey are of inestimable value as medicine4 ,i know that the judicious use of them as restoratives has saved many lives4 ,i know1 too1 how nearly worthless they are where the system of the patient is used to them as daily or frequent beverages4 ,i hold1 furthermore1 that there is no sin or even danger--unless the taste be already enkindled--in the occasional use of them in the kitchen1 as one would handle vanilla1 lemon or bitter-almond flavoring extracts4 ,i do not believe that a single drunkard was ever made by the tablespoonful of wine that goes into a half pint of pudding-sauce1 or the wineglassful that brightens a quart of jelly4 ,every house-mother knows for whom she is catering4 ,if one of her family or guests already loves and craves the stimulant1 it is prudent to omit it4 ,the same man would be tempted by the wine of the consecrated cup4 ,when the disease of inebriety has gone thus far she cannot save him1 but she can look to it that her hand does not give the final touch1 which is death4 ,i have written frankly1 and ,i think temperately4 ,i am not a crank upon this--,i hope not upon any subject4 ,i am a temperance woman who does not scruple to avow what is her practice1 as well as her belief4 ,that thousands of better people than ,i will think my creed goes too far1 and as many that it stops short of temporal and spiritual safety1 ought not to trouble me4 ,upon the individual conscience lies the responsibility of principle and action4 ,yet holding as ,i do that each of us is his brother's keeper1 ,i lift my hand in protest against the crying sin of the age1 and the mistaken toleration of good people with that which leads to it4 ,,chapter ,,xxxii4 ,,family ,,music4 ,our grandfathers and our grandmothers were drilled in vocal music in the church or neighboring singing-school4 ,in that day--and for twenty-five years later--almost every household possessed and made frequent use of the ,boston ,academy1 the ,carmina ,sacra1 the ,shawm and other collections of vocal music adapted for the use of societies and churches4 ,nearly everybody sang by note1 and she was dull of ear or wits who could not bear her part at sight in any simple church tune4 ,the pianoforte took the place of our grandmother's spinet and harpsichord1 and every girl in every family was taught to play upon it after a fashion4 ,she who had not taste or talent for music gave it up after her marriage4 ,in this particular she was no more derelict than the performer of our times1 whose florid flourish of classic music costs thousands where her grandmother's strumming cost hundreds4 ,the musical education of the girl of that period hardly deserved the name4 ,the national ear for music1 like the national eye for painting and sculpture1 has made marvelous progress in fifty years4 ,the singing school has gone to the wall along with the volunteer choir and the notion that every boy and girl can and ought to sing4 ,once in several whiles you find a music-mad family1 of which every member plays upon some instrument and studies music with expensive professors4 ,or one child displays what relatives rate as musical genius1 and is educated to the full extent of the parent's ability4 ,this done1 the proficient becomes1 in his or her own opinion1 a privileged prodigy4 ,critical from the outset of his musical career1 he grows intolerant of amateur work and disdainful of such compositions as the 7musically7 unlearned delight to honor4 ,don't you suppose1 said the late ,mrs4 ,barrow 7the dearly-beloved ,aunt ,fanny of a host of little ones7 to me at an evening musicale1 that seven out of ten professed disciples of the ,wagner cult here present would1 if they dared be unfashionable and honest1 ask for music that has a tune in it rather than that movement in something flat or sharp to which they have seemed to give breathless attention for the last fifteen minutes8 ,a tune in it6 repeated a bystander in intense amusement4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,barrow1 tunes are musical tricks1 not true art4 ,this dogma1 and others like unto it1 are putting all our music-making into the hands of professional artists and hushing the voice of song and gladness in our homes4 ,the one musician of the household is accredited with perfect taste and unerring judgment1 and usually becomes a nuisance to his circle of acquaintances4 ,he shudders at a false note2 the woman who sings sharp is an agony1 the man who flats is an anguish1 and the mistakes of both are resented as personal affronts4 ,i know one girl 7,i wish ,i could stop at the singular number7 who cannot enjoy going to her own church because the choir does not come up to her standard of perfection4 ,she never sings in church herself4 ,to mingle her voice with the tide of thanksgiving and praise would be like the crystal flash of the arrowy ,rhone into the muddy ,arve4 ,she sets her teeth while ignorant and unfeeling neighbors join in the service of song1 and confides on her way out of church to anybody who will listen to her that she really thinks it a misfortune to have as fine and true an ear as her own so long as people who do not know the first principle of music will persist in trying to sing4 ,she has many companions in the persuasion that this part of the worship of the sanctuary should be left altogether to a trained and well-salaried choir4 ,in the family honored by her residence there is no home music except of her making4 ,there are1 moreover1 so many contingencies that may deprive her expected audience of the rich privilege of hearkening to the high emprise of her fingers and voice1 that the chances are oftentimes perilously in favor of her dying with all her music in her4 ,shall ,i ever forget1 or rally from1 the compassionate patronage with which she1 a week agone1 met my petition for ,when sparrows build and the leaves break forth8 ,i never sing ballad music1 she said1 loftily4 ,indeed ,i could not do myself justice in anything this evening4 ,i make it a matter of conscience not to attempt a note unless ,i am in perfect tune throughout--mentally1 spiritually and physically4 ,i should consider it an offence against the noblest of arts were ,i to sing just because somebody wishes to hear me4 ,this is not entirely affectation4 ,the tendency of her art-education has been to make her disdainfully hypercritical4 ,it has not awakened the spirit of the true artist1 who is quick to detect whatever promises excellence and encourages the tyro to make the best of his little talent4 ,with all our newly-born enthusiasm for ,german composers1 we have not taken lessons from the ,german people in this matter of home music4 ,we do not even ask ourselves what has made them a musical nation4 ,at the risk of writing myself down a hopeless old fogy1 ,i venture the opinion that we were more nearly upon this track when the much-ridiculed singing-school was in full swing and every child was taught the intervals and variations of the gamut1 and ballads were popular and part-songs by amateurs a favorite entertainment for evenings at home1 than we are in this year of our ,lord4 ,the pews in that age united with a volunteer choir in singing with the spirit and with the understanding4 ,the few may not have played their part as well as now1 but the many did their part better4 ,in the family1 ,jane may have surpassed her sisters in musical talent and proficiency1 but one and all knew something of that in which she excelled1 enjoying her music the more for that degree of knowledge4 ,this brings forward another argument for the musical education of the masses1 large and small4 ,it would make general and genuine appreciation of good music1 and put an end to the specious pretences of which we spoke just now4 ,the ,german artisan's ear and voice are cultivated from childhood2 his love of music is intelligent1 his enjoyment of it hearty1 yet discriminating4 ,our babies hear few cradle songs under the new rgime1 except such as are crooned1 more or less tunelessly1 by foreign nurses4 ,girls no longer sing old ballads in the twilight to weary fathers and allure restless brothers to pass the evening at home in innocent participation in an impromptu concert1 the boys bearing their part with voice and banjo or flute4 ,we did not make perfect music when these domestic entertainments were in vogue1 but we helped make happy homes and clean lives4 ,we used to sing--all of us together--upon the country porch on summer nights1 not disdaining ,nelly ,was a ,lady and the ,old ,kentucky ,home1 and sea songs and love songs and battle songs that had thundering choruses in which bassos told mightily4 ,moore was in high repute1 and ,dempster and ,bailey were in vogue4 ,the words we sang were real poetry1 and so distinctly enunciated as to leave no doubt in the listener's mind as to the language in which they were written4 ,we had not learned that tunes were musical tricks4 ,better still were the ,sunday evenings about the piano1 everybody lending a helping 7never hindering7 voice1 from grandpapa's cracked pipe down to the baby's tiny treble4 ,every morning the ,lord of the home heard our voices ascending high from the family altar1 and in the nursery feverish or wakefully-fretful children were lulled to health-giving slumber by the mother's hymns4 ,these are some of the bits of home and church life we would do well to bring forward and add to the more intricate sum of to-day's living4 ,granted1 if you will1 that we have outgrown what were to us the seemly garments of that past4 ,before relegating them to the attic or ragpicker1 would it not be prudent and pleasant to preserve the laces with which they were trimmed8 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii4 ,,family ,,religion4 ,we are living in an age of surprising inventions and marvelous machinery4 ,as a natural sequence1 ours is an age of delegation4 ,the habit of doing nothing by hand that can be as well done by a machine begets the desire to seek out new and presumably better methods of performing every duty appointed to each of us4 ,fine penmanship is no longer a necessity for the clerk or business man2 skill with her needle is not demanded of the wife and mother4 ,our kitchens bristle with labor-saving implements warranted to reduce the scullion's and cook's work to a minimum of toil4 ,an important problem of the day1 involving grave results1 is founded upon the fact that1 with the countless multiplicity of ,teachers' ,helps and ,scholars' ,friends1 ,international ,lesson ,papers1 ,sunday-school weeklies and quarterlies and the banded leagues of associated youth whose watchword is ,christ and the ,church1 the children and young people of to-day are1 as a rule1 less familiar with the text of ,holy ,writ1 with ,bible history and the cardinal doctrines which the ,protestant ,church holds are founded upon ,god's revealed ,word than were the children and youth of fifty years ago4 ,let me say here that ,i am personally responsible for this statement and what is to follow it4 ,having been a ,bible-class teacher and an active worker in religious and charitable societies for forty years1 and numbering as ,i do between twenty-five and thirty clergymen among my near kinsmen1 ,i do not speak idly or ignorantly upon this subject4 ,my appeal for corroboration of my testimony is to my contemporaries and co-workers4 ,the superficiality and glitter that are the bane of modern methods of education in our country have not spared sanctuary ordinances and family religion4 ,the church which is in thy house is an empty form of speech when applied to a majority of so-called ,christian homes4 ,early trains and late dinners1 succeeded by evening engagements1 have crowded out family prayers1 and the pious custom1 honored in all ages1 of grace before meat1 is in many houses disregarded1 except when a clergyman is at the table4 ,then the deferential bend of the host's head in the direction of the reverend guest is rather a tribute to the cloth than an acknowledgment of the ,divine ,giver to whom thanks are due4 ,in the olden days it was the pupil who studied the ,sunday-school lessons as needfully as he conned the tasks to be prepared for ,monday's schoolroom4 ,the portion of the old ,union ,question ,book appointed for next ,sunday was gone over under the mother's eye1 the references were looked up1 the ,bible ,dictionary and ,concordance consulted4 ,then a ,psalm or part of a chapter in the ,new ,testament was committed to memory1 and four or five questions in the catechism were added to the sum of knowledge to be inspected by the ,sunday-school teacher and audited by the superintendent4 ,in writing the foregoing paragraph a scene arises before me of my father's fine gray head and serious face as he sat at the head of the room1 ,bible and reference books upon the stand before him2 of the dusky faces of the servants in the background1 intent upon the reading and exposition of the ,word as they came from the lips of the master of the household1 who for the hour was also the priest4 ,i hear much1 nowadays1 of the hard lines that fell to the children of that generation1 in that they were drilled after the manner ,i have described1 and compelled to attend church twice or three times on ,sunday4 ,i affirm fearlessly that we did not know how badly off we were1 and that the aforesaid lines seemed to our unsophisticated imaginations to be cast to us in pleasant places4 ,the hour devoted each ,sunday evening to the study of next ,sunday's lesson was full of interest1 the prayer that preceded it and the two or three hymns with which the simple service closed1 gave it a solemnity that was delight1 not boredom4 ,primitive methods we call those studies now1 and contemn1 gravely or jeeringly1 the obsolete practice of going through the ,bible yearly by reading a given number of chapters every day4 ,we assume that those were mechanical contrivances which1 at the best1 filled the mind with an undigested mass of ,biblical matter and made sacred things trite4 ,they who censure or sneer take no exception to the story that ,demosthenes translated the works of ,thucydides eight times1 and also committed them to memory1 that his style might be informed with the spirit and tone of his favorite exemplar4 ,we cannot do away with the pregnant truth that the ,bible-reading child of #ahde so steeped imagination and memory in the ,holy ,word that the wash of years and the acids of doubt have never robbed him of it4 ,the ,psalms and gospels then learned stay by us yet1 responsive to the prick of temptation1 the stroke of sorrow1 the sunlight of joy4 ,when strongly moved we unconsciously fall into ,scriptural phraseology4 ,god's promises then learned are our song in the house of our pilgrimage4 ,we do not confound patriarchs with prophets1 or passages from the epistles with the ,psalms of ,david4 ,i am continually confronted by illustrations of the truth that the contract system prevails in religious teaching as extensively as in the manufacture of garments and food and furniture1 and that the results in all cases are the same4 ,machine work cannot compare in neatness and durability with hand-made goods4 ,the complaint1 ,i cannot get my ,bible class to study the lessons1 is almost universal4 ,i have known large classes of adults to be made up with the express proviso that none of the members should be expected to prepare the lesson4 ,their appearance in the classroom at the stated hour fulfills their part of the compact4 ,in thus presenting themselves they press the button4 ,the teacher does the rest4 ,the mother1 taking her afternoon siesta1 or reading her ,sunday novel at home1 rarely knows the subject of the ,bible lesson1 much less what the teacher's treatment of it is4 ,i do not mention the pastor purposely4 ,except when he sees them in the ,sunday-school1 the faces of the children belonging 7by courtesy7 to his cure of souls are seldom beheld by him4 ,the ,sunday-school originally intended for the neglected children of the illiterate poor1 has come to be the chief instrumentality upon which well-to-do church members depend for the spiritual upbuilding of those who are to form the church of the future4 ,if one is tempted to challenge the assertion1 let him compare the number of children 7not infants7 enrolled in our ,sunday-schools with those who habitually attend upon divine service4 ,the absence of the sunny1 restless polls from the rows of worshipers in the pews1 the troops of boys and girls who wend their way homeward at the conclusion of the ,sunday-school exercises are accounted for by so-called humane apologists by the plea that two services in one day are burdensome to the little folk4 ,and mothers enjoy the service far more when they are not disturbed by fidgety or drowsy children4 ,then1 too1 much of the sermon is unintelligible to them4 ,why torture them by a mere form8 ,an old-fashioned clergyman--a visitor to a city church which ,i chanced to attend last winter--prefaced his sermon1 as was his custom at home1 he said1 by a five-minute talk to the lambs of the fold4 ,in the congregation of at least #hjj souls there were exactly three lambs under fifteen years of age4 ,it was impossible for the most reverent of his hearers to help thinking of the solitary parishioner who composed his pastor's congregation upon a stormy day1 and objected to the sermon dutifully delivered by the minister as good1 but too personal4 ,it is as impossible for the thoughtful student of the signs of the times to avoid the conclusion that the growing disposition of the young to deny the authority of the church and to supersede her stated ordinances by organizations established and run by themselves may be the legitimate fruit of the prominence given by their parents to what should be the nursery of the church over the church itself4 ,it would be strange if1 after witnessing for fourteen or fifteen years such open and systematic disrespect of the gates of ,zion1 they were to develop veneration for her worship and devout appreciation of the mystic truth that this is the place where ,god's honor dwells4 ,if--and the if is broad and deep and long--the little ones are faithfully trained by the parents in the nurture and admonition of the ,lord 7dear1 quaint old phraseology1 fine1 subtle and pervasive as lavender scent671 if sacred songs and ,bible stories and tender talk of the ,saviour's love and the beautiful life of which this may be made a type and a foretaste1 keep in the minds of the little ones at home the sanctity and sweetness of the day of days1 there is a shadow of excuse for the failure to make room for them in the family pew4 ,even then the tree will grow as the twig is inclined4 ,the mother whose knee is the baby's first altar1 who gathers about her for confession1 for counsel and for prayer sons and daughters who will1 in older and sterner years1 call her blessed for the holy teachings of their childhood1 will teach them to find1 with her1 the tabernacles of the ,lord of ,hosts amiable1 i4e41 worthy of all love and fidelity4 ,the chrism of motherhood consecrates a woman as a priestess4 ,neither convenience nor custom can release her from the office4 ,let not another take her crown4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv4 ,a ,,parting ,,word ,,for ,,boy4 ,upon the satin seat of a chair in the corner of the drawing-room1 lie six white ,lima beans1 and three small red-spotted apples4 ,wild fruit they are1 cast by a superannuated crab1 spared by the woodman's axe because it stands on the verge of the orchard4 ,the apple-pickers never look under it for gleanings4 ,the beans were pulled from a frost-bitten vine in the garden1 and shelled with difficulty1 the pods being tough1 and ,boy's fingers tender4 ,both trophies secured1 they were brought into the house1 deposited in the safest place ,boy's ingenuity could devise1 and1 alas6 forgotten in the hurry of catching the twain4 ,there was no room for them in ,boy's long-suffering pockets4 ,they bulged to the bursting point with chestnuts1 also the spoil of the grasping little fingers4 ,boy is city-born and city-bred1 and a day in the country is better than a thousand in street and park4 ,a day in the woods1 when chestnuts and walnuts hustle down with every breath of air1 and the hollows are knee-deep with painted leaves1 has joys the eager tongue trips over itself in the endeavor to recount4 ,boy and ,boy's mother took the six o'clock train to town last night4 ,this morning1 throwing open the parlor blinds1 ,i espy the six flat1 white beans and the three red-speckled crab-apples4 ,they were so much to the owner2 except for the value imparted by association with the dancing blue eyes and the tight clutch of fingers that had green stains on them when the wrestle with the pods was over1 they are so much more than worthless to everybody else--that there is infinite pathos in the litter4 ,it is picturesque and poetic4 ,there will be no poetry1 picturesqueness or pathos in the litter when ,boy is older by a year or two4 ,his leavings in outlandish places will become trash1 and still later on rubbish and hateful4 ,at twelve years of age he will be a hulking boy1 and convicted of bringing more dirt into the house upon one pair of soles than three pairs of hands can clean up4 ,eyes that fill now in surveying the tokens of his recent occupations and his lordly disregard of conventionalities1 will flash petulantly upon books left1 face downward1 over night1 on the piazza floor2 muddy shoes kicked into the corner of the hall2 the half-whittled cane and open knife on the sofa1 and coats and caps everywhere except upon the hooks intended for them4 ,i once heard a grown-up beauty declare in the presence and hearing of a half-grown brother1 that1 every boy should be put under a barrel at fourteen1 and kept there until he was twenty1 out of the sight of his kindred and acquaintances4 ,up to twenty-one he is an unmitigable nuisance6 concluded the belle1 with the vanity of one who has put the case smartly4 ,the lad listened to the tirade without the twitch of a muscle--stolidity that proved him to be well used to such flaying4 ,three out of four boys in that family turned out badly1 and were cried down by a scandalized community for disgracing a decent and godly ancestry4 ,hearing this1 ,i recollected the beauty and the barrel1 and speculated sadly whether or not this were the key to the enigma4 ,it generally happens that the grown-up sister has less patience with the growing brother than any other member of the household4 ,from principle and from inclination1 and1 ,i am inclined to add1 from nature1 she sits upon ,boy habitually4 ,ungrateful ,lady ,mary ,wortley ,montagu called her quondam lover1 ,alexander ,pope-- ,a sign-post likeness of the human race3 ,that is1 at once resemblance and disgrace4 ,in her visions of the coming man1 the sister resents the truth that ,boy belongs to the same species and sex1 or persists in judging him by this standard4 ,in the freshness of his age and kind1 he is skeptical as to her good looks and other fascinations1 and takes wicked satisfaction in giving her to understand that he1 at least1 is not fooled by her tricks and manners4 ,if her nagging is a thorn under his jacket1 his cool disdain is a grain of sand inside of her slipper4 ,what looks like natural antipathy between big sisters and little brothers is but one of several reasons why home is so often less like home to the boys than to the rest of the family4 ,i have in my mind's eye a distinct picture of the quarters allotted to a promising college-lad in the mansion of a wealthy father1 and which ,i saw by accident4 ,each of the three accomplished sisters had her own bed-chamber1 fitted up according to her taste4 ,a spacious sitting-room on the second floor1 with windows on the sunny front and at the side1 was common to the trio4 ,there were flowers1 workstands1 desks1 easels1 bookshelves1 lounging and sewing chairs1 pictures selected by each2 portires in the doorways and costly rugs upon the polished floor4 ,up two flights of stairs1 on the same floor with the servants1 the brother was domiciled in a low-browed1 sunless back-room1 overlooking kitchen-yards and roofs4 ,a dingy ingrain carpet was worn thin in numerous places2 no two pieces of furniture were even remotely related to one another in style or age4 ,the wall-paper hung here and there in strips2 the windows were dim with dirt2 dust lay thickly in every corner2 a counterpane of dubious complexion had a dark1 wide-spreading stain in the centre4 ,it is true1 ,i admit1 that the place reeked with stale cigar smoke1 and that the infirm table propped for security against the wall1 groaned under a collection of juvenile properties1 the heterogeneity of which1 defies my pen and memory4 ,but1 bestow a wild boy in such lodgings as he might find in a low tavern1 and he will treat them accordingly4 ,he is more observant than his mother imagines1 and more sensitive than his sisters would believe4 ,too proud to betray the sense of humiliation engendered by appointments unsuited to his station and education1 he proceeds to be comfortable and jolly in his own way4 ,to return to our own ,boy--who1 my heart misgives me1 lifted up his voice and wept sore last night upon discovering that the hard-won beans and scarlet-speckled apples were left behind--his loving mother has hung his nursery walls with good engravings and artistically-colored pictures1 in the conviction that a child's taste for art is formed early and for long4 ,heaven grant that she may keep true to this principle in all matters pertaining to his upbringing1 and in judicious dependence upon the influence of external impressions upon the immature mind of her offspring6 ,is our bigger boy1 then1 so rooted and grounded in right tastes and right feeling as to be proof against the atmosphere of the worst-located and worst-furnished room covered by his father's roof8 ,how far will the mother's assertion that he is the apple of her eye and dearest earthly possession go1 when balanced against the object-lesson of quarters which are the household hospital of incurables1 in the line of beds1 tables1 stools and candlesticks8 ,if his sister's room is adorned with exquisite etchings and choice paintings1 while his is the refuge for chromos that have had their day--will he not draw his own inferences8 ,if his mother never climbs to the sky-parlor to see that the careless housemaid does her duty in sweeping1 dusting and picking-up1 does not he divine why his chamber is systematically neglected8 ,many a shrewd fellow has marked the progress of an ageing or shabby article of furniture1 from the guest-chamber1 through the family rooms upward1 until it settles for life1 or good behavior1 in his apartment1 and felt a dull pang at heart that he would not confess4 ,many another fellow1 as shrewd and more reckless1 has flung out passionately at what he construed into an insult1 and made it the ostensible excuse for resorting to places where the motto that anything will do for the boys1 is unknown in practice4 ,an ,english woman once commented to me upon the difference between our manner of lodging and treating our sons and that which obtains in her native land4 ,we behave to our boys as if they were princes of the blood1 she said1 in her soft1 sweet voice4 ,american girls are young princesses at home and in society1 and grace the position rarely well4 ,but--excuse me for speaking frankly--their brothers are sometimes lodged like grooms4 ,she was so far from wrong that ,i could not be displeased at the blunt criticism4 ,the just mean between the stations thus specified is equality1 and the firm maintenance of the same by the parents4 ,manners and environment are apt to harmonize4 ,to teach a boy not to be slovenly and destructive in his own domain1 give him a domain in which he can feel the pride of proprietorship4 ,he would like to invite his comrades into his den1 as his sisters entertain intimate friends in their boudoir4 ,he may not put into words the reasons why1 instead of saying openly--,come in and up6 to his evening visitor1 he whispers at the outer door1 ,let us go out6 which too often means1 also1 down4 ,perhaps he is so imbued with the popular ideas respecting the furnishment of his lodging-place as hardly to interpret to himself his unwillingness to let outsiders see how well his den deserves the name4 ,nevertheless1 fond mother1 give him the trial of something better4 ,send the incurables to the auction room1 and fit him out anew with what should be the visible expression of your love and your desire for his welfare4 ,why expect him to take these on trust any more than you expect the daughters to do this8 ,yet their apartments are poems of good-will and maternal devotion4 ,in all sincerity1 let me notify you that the son will not keep his premises in such seemly array as the girls keep theirs4 ,it is not in the genuine boy4 ,i question if a three-year-and-a-half-old granddaughter would have chosen as a safe place of deposit for the white beans and red-freckled apples the handsomest chair ,i have4 ,you will find your laddie's soiled collars in his waste-paper basket2 his slippers will depend from the corner of the picture you had framed for him on his last birthday2 his dress-suit will be crumpled upon his wardrobe shelf1 and his chiffonier be heaped with a conglomeration of foils1 neckties1 dead boutonnires1 visiting-cards1 base-balls1 odd gloves1 notebook1 handkerchiefs1 railway guides1 emptied envelopes1 caramel papers1 button hooks1 fugitive verses1 blacking brushes1 inkstand1 hair brushes--the mother who reads this can complete the inventory1 if she has abundant patience1 and time is no object with her4 ,nevertheless1 ,i repeat it--let him have his den1 and one in which he can find more comfort and enjoyment than in any other haunt4 ,we mistake--the most affectionate of us--in attributing to our sons' sensibilities the robustness or wiry insensitiveness that belongs to their physical conformation4 ,timely gifts are not thrown away upon them2 each tasteful contribution to their well-being and happiness is a seed set in good soil4 ,a dear friend1 in whose judgment ,i have put much faith1 put it well when she gave her reason for rectifying only the glaring disorders of her boy's apartments while he was out of them1 and letting the rest go4 ,they must be clean and bright1 she remarked1 with tender forbearance4 ,but ,i never meddle with his books and papers1 or do anything that will1 in his opinion1 mar the individuality of his quarters4 ,he likes to feel that they have the impress of himself1 you see4 ,rigid surveillance1 or the appearance of it1 would irk him4 ,for a long time it annoyed me that he preferred his imprint to mine4 ,a pile of pamphlets on the carpet within easy reach of his chair was a grievance2 his boxing gloves were an eyesore when left upon his table1 and he might find some other place for his dumb-bells than the exact middle of the room4 ,then1 by degrees1 ,i thought my way to the stable verity whereupon ,i now rest1 that the boy is worth more than the room4 ,,chapter ,,xxxv4 ,,homely1 ,,but ,,important4 ,the ,french woman dresses herself with a view to pleasing the cultivated eye4 ,she consults her complexion1 height1 figure and carriage1 in color1 make and trimming4 ,her apparel partakes of her individuality4 ,the ,american woman wears her clothes1 as clothing1 and has them made up of certain materials and in various ways1 because dressmakers and fashion-plates prescribe what are this season's styles4 ,dissimilarities as marked prevail in the cookery of the two nations4 ,daintiness and flavor take the rank of other considerations with the ,french cook2 with the ,american1--fillingness6 ,i can use no substitute for the word that will convey the right idea4 ,the human machine 7of ,american manufacture7 must be greased regularly and plied with fuel or it will not go4 ,and go is the genius of ,american institutions4 ,cookery with us is means to an end2 therefore1 as much a matter of economy of time and toil as building a road4 ,almost every cottage has specimens of fine art on the walls in the shape of pictures done by ,jane or ,eliza1 or embroidery upon lambrequin1 portire1 or tidy4 ,it occurs to ,jane and ,eliza as seldom as to their fore-mothers1 that cooking is an art in itself1 that may be fine to exquisiteness4 ,in their eyes1 it is an ugly necessity1 to be got over as expeditiously as the men-folks will allow1 their coarser natures demanding more and richer filling than women's4 ,it follows that dishes which require premeditation and deft manipulation are unpopular4 ,the scorn with which our middle class woman regards soups1 jellies1 salads and entres is based upon prejudice that has become national4 ,recipes marked--,time from three to four hours1 are a feature of ,english cook-books4 ,we ,american writers of household manuals are too conversant with ,jane's and ,eliza's principles to imperil their sale by what will be considered danger-signals4 ,this same desire to dispatch a disagreeable task increases in said manuals the number of ,quick ,biscuit1 ,minute ,muffins and ,hasty ,pudding recipes4 ,represent to the notable housewife who is scrupulous in saving minutes1 candle-ends and soap grease1 that a few pounds of cracked bones1 a carrot1 a turnip1 an onion and a bunch of sweet herbs1 covered deep with cold water1 and set at one side of the range on washing-day1 to simmer into soup stock1 wastes neither time nor fuel and will be the base of more than one or two nourishing dinners2 prove1 by mathematical demonstration1 that a mold of delicious blanc-mange or ,spanish cream or simpler junket costs less and can be made in one-tenth of the time required for the leathery-skinned1 sour or faint-hearted pie1 without which father'n the boys wouldn't relish their dinner2 that an egg and lettuce salad1 with mayonnaise dressing1 is so much more toothsome and digestible than chipped beef as a tea relish1 as to repay her for the few additional minutes spent in preparing it--and her skeptical stare means disdain of your interference1 and complacent determination to follow her own way4 ,she has heard that country people in furren parts a'most live upon slops and grass and eggs and frogs1 and supposes that's the reason ,frenchmen are so small and dark-complected4 ,she thanks goodness she was born in ,america1 where there's plenty to eat and to spare1 she adds1 piously1 as she puts the chunk of salt pork on to boil with the white beans1 or the brisket of salt beef over the fire with the cabbage1 before mixing a batch of molasses-cake with buttermilk and plenty of soda4 ,the corner-stone of her culinary operations might have been cut from the pillar into which another conservative woman with a will of her own1 was changed4 ,it is solid salt4 ,salt pork1 salt beef1 salt fish1 relieve one another in an endless chain upon her board4 ,she averts scurvy by means of cabbage and potatoes4 ,i know well-to-do farmers' wives who do not cook what they call butcher's meat1 three times a month1 or poultry above twice a year4 ,dried and salt meat and fish replenish what an ,irish cook once described to me as the meat corner of the stomach4 ,half-a-dozen eggs wouldn't half fill it1 mem2 she protested1 in defence of the quantity of steak and roast devoured daily below-stairs4 ,our native housewife does not make the effort to crowd this cavity with the product of her poultry yard4 ,eggs of all ages are marketable and her pride in the limited number she uses in filling up her household is comic1 yet pathetic4 ,cream is the chrysalis of butter at thirty cents a pound2 to work so much as a tablespoonful into dishes for daily consumption would be akin to the sinful enormity of lighting a fire with dollar bills4 ,she sends her freshly-churned1 golden rolls to the store in exchange for groceries1 including cooking butter to be used in the manufacture of cake and pastry4 ,these she must have4 ,appetites depraved by fats--liquid1 solid and fried--crave the assuasives of sweets and acids4 ,hunky bread-puddings and eggless1 faintly-sweetened rice puddings1 and pies of various kinds1 represent dessert4 ,huge pickles1 still smacking of the brine that firmed them1 are offered in lieu of fresher acids4 ,yet she sneers at salads1 and would not touch sorrel soup to save a ,frenchman's soul4 ,for beverages she stews into rank herbiness cheap tea by the quart1 and ,rio coffee1 weak and turbid1 with plenty of sugar in both4 ,occasionally the coffee is cleared 767 with a bit of salt fish skin4 ,i was told by one who always saved the outside skin of codfish1 after soaking it for fish balls1 for clearing her coffee1 that1 it gives a kind of bright taste to it2 takes off the flatness-like1 don't you know8 ,we raise more vegetables and in greater variety than any other people2 have better and cheaper fruits than can be procured in any other market upon the globe2 our waters teem with fish 7unsalted7 that may be had for the catching4 ,yet our national cuisine--take it from ,east to ,west and from ,north to ,south--is the narrowest as to range1 the worst as to preparation1 and the least wholesome of any country that claims an enlightened civilization4 ,properly fried food once in a while is not to be condemned1 as the grease does not have a chance to soak in4 ,but when crullers or potatoes or fritters are dropped into warm 7not hot7 lard1 and allowed to remain there until they are oily and soggy to the core1 we may with accuracy count on at least fifteen minutes of heartburn to each half-inch of the fried abominations4 ,perhaps there is nothing in which we slight the demands of ,nature more than in what and how we eat4 ,chewing stimulates the salivary glands to give out secretions to aid in disposing of what we eat4 ,we swallow half-chewed food1 thus throwing undue labor on the stomach4 ,it is impossible for the work of disgestion to be carried on in the stomach at a temperature of less than one hundred degrees4 ,yet1 just as that unfortunate organ begins its work we pour into it half-pints of iced water4 ,we add acid to acid by inordinate quantities of sugar1 and court dyspepsia by masses of grease4 ,if we thus openly defy all her laws1 can we wonder if the kind but just mother calls us to account for it8 ,,chapter ,,xxxvi4 ,,four-,,feet-,,upon-,a-,,fender4 ,it is the sisterly heart rather than the author's fancy that gives me as a companion in this1 the last of these ,familiar ,talks1 the typical ,american house-mother4 ,whatever the alleged subject discussed in former chapters--and each has borne more or less directly upon the leading theme1 old yet never trite1--,,the ,,secret ,,of ,a ,,happy ,,home1--,i have had in heart and imagination this thin1 nervous1 intense creature whom ,i seat beside me4 ,her own hands have made her neat2 the same hands and far more care than ever goes to the care of herself make and keep her home neat and comfortable4 ,the dying ,queen of ,england gasped that after her death there would be found stamped upon her heart the name of the ,calais lost to her kingdom in her reign4 ,our housewife carries her household forever bound upon her heart of hearts4 ,the word is the hall mark upon every endeavor and achievement4 ,it would be a poor recompense for a life of patient toil to convince her that she has wrought needlessly2 that the same energy devoted to other objects would have made a nobler woman of her and the world better and happier4 ,nor am ,i sure that in a majority of instances this would be true4 ,on the contrary1 ,i hold religiously to the belief that ,god had wise reasons for setting each one of us in the socket in which she finds herself4 ,be more careful1 says an old writer1 to please ,him perfectly than to serve ,him much4 ,if there are tasks which you1 my sister1 cannot demit without inconveniencing those whose welfare is your especial care1 take this as a sure proof that the ,father1 in laying this work nearest to your hand--and not to that of another--has called you to it as distinctly as ,he called ,paul to preach and ,peter to glorify his ,lord by the death he was to die4 ,in the talk we hold with our four feet upon the fender1 the fire-glow making other light unnecessary1 ,i do not propose to enter upon the favorite theme with some1 of what you might have done had circumstances been propitious to the assumption of what are rated as more dignified duties4 ,we will take your life as it is1 and see what the practice of the inward grace ,i shall designate can make of it4 ,you are inclined to be down-hearted upon anniversaries4 ,you need not tell me what ,i know so well of myself4 ,another year has gone1 another year has dawned1 and you are in the same old rut of ordering and cooking meals and clearing up after they have been eaten1 sweeping1 dusting1 making and mending clothes1 washing1 dressing and training children1 and the thousand and one nameless tasks that fritter away strength1 leaving nothing to show for the waste4 ,god help us on the common days1 ,the level stretches white with dust6 prays ,margaret ,sangster4 ,you would cry out in the pain of retrospection and anticipation1 that all the days of the years of your life are common days--only that and nothing more4 ,if this be so1 you need the ,help none ever seek in vain more than those to whom varied and exciting scenes are alloted4 ,the angel of death who had said upon entering the plague-stricken city that he meant to kill ten thousand people1 was accused on the way out of having slain forty thousand4 ,i kept my word1 he answered4 ,i killed but ten thousand4 ,fear killed the rest6 ,if work slays thousands of ,american women1 ,american worry slays her tens of thousands4 ,work may bend the back and stiffen the joints4 ,it ploughs no furrows in brow and cheek2 it does not hollow the eyes and drag all the facial muscles downward4 ,these are misdeeds of worry--your familiar demon1 and the curse of our sex everywhere4 ,a good man--who1 by the way1 had a pale1 harassed-looking wife--once told me that on each birthday and ,new ,year's he retired to his study and spent some time behind the locked door in making good resolutions for the coming year4 ,i may not keep them all1 he said1 ingenuously1 but the exercise of forming them is edifying4 ,with the thought of his wan and worried wife in mind1 ,i shocked him by declining for my part to undertake such a big contract as resolutions for a year1 a month or a week4 ,if ,i live to a good old age1 ,i shall owe the blessing in a great measure to the discovery1 years ago1 that ,i am hired not by the job1 but by the day4 ,if you1 dear friend1 will receive this truth into a good and honest heart1 and believing1 abide in and live by it1 you will find it the very elixir of life to your spirit4 ,come down from the pillar of observation4 ,you might enact ,simeon ,stylites there for twenty years to come and be none the wiser or happier for the outlook4 ,refuse obstinately to take the big contract4 ,let each morning and evening be a new and complete day4 ,in childlike simplicity live as if you were to have no to-morrow so far as worrying as to its possible outcome goes4 ,make the best of to-day's income4 ,not one minute of to-morrow belongs to you4 ,it is all ,god's4 ,thank him that ,his hands hold it1 and not your feeble1 uncertain fingers4 ,longfellow wrote nothing more elevating and helpful than his sonnet to ,to-morrow1 the ,mysterious ,guest1 who whispers to the boding human soul3 ',remember ,barmecide1 ,and tremble to be happy with the rest4' ,and ,i make answer1 ',i am satisfied4 ,i know not1 ask not1 what is best2 ,god hath already said what shall betide4' ,the new version of the ,new ,testament1 among other richly suggestive readings1 tells us that ,martha was distracted with much serving1 and that we are not to be anxious for the morrow2 for the morrow will be anxious for itself4 ,that is1 it will bring its own proper load of labor and of care1 from which you have no right to borrow for to-day's uses2 which you cannot diminish by the same process4 ,george ,mac,donald puts this great principle aptly3 ,you have a disagreeable duty to do at twelve o'clock4 ,do not blacken nine1 and ten and eleven with the color of twelve4 ,do the work of each and reap your reward in peace4 ,one woman makes it her boast that she never sets bread for the morning that she does not lie awake half the night wondering how it will turn out4 ,she is so besotted in her ignorance as to think that the useless folly proves her to be a person of exquisite sensibility1 whereas it testifies to lack of self-control1 common sense and economical instincts4 ,it was old ,john ,newton who likened the appointed tasks and trials of men to so many logs of wood1 each lettered with the name of the day of the week1 and no single one of them too heavy to be borne by a mortal of ordinary strength4 ,if we will persist2 he went on to say1 in adding ,tuesday's stick to ,monday's1 and ,wednesday's and ,thursday's and ,friday's to that marked for ,tuesday1 it is small wonder that we sink beneath the burden4 ,our ,heavenly ,father would have us carry one stick at a time1 and for this task has regulated our systems--mental1 moral and spiritual4 ,we1 like the presumptuous bunglers that we are1 bind the sticks into faggots1 and then whine because our strength gives out4 ,the lesson of unlearning what we have practiced so long is not easy1 but it may be acquired4 ,in your character as day laborer1 sift carefully each morning what belongs to to-day from that which may come to-morrow4 ,be rigid with yourself in this adjustment4 ,if you find the weight beginning to tell upon bodily or mental muscles1 ask your reason1 as well as your conscience1 whether or not the strain may not be from to-morrow's log4 ,for example3 ,you have a servant who suits you1 and whom you had hoped you suited4 ,she is quiet to-day1 with a pre-occupied look in her eye that may mean ,,change4 ,as a housekeeper you will sustain me in the assertion that the portent suffices to send the thermometer of your spirits down to twenty above1 if not ten below4 ,instead of brooding over the train of discomforts that would attend upon the threatened exodus1 bethink yourself that since ,norah cannot go without a week's warning you have nothing to-day to do with possibilities of a morrow that is seven times removed1 and put the thing out of your mind4 ,in the italicized passage lies the secret of a tranquil soul4 ,learn by degrees to acquire power over your own imagination4 ,by-and-by you will be surprised to find that you have formed a habit of reining it when it would presage disaster4 ,it is not getting ready for house-cleaning to-day that terrifies you so much as the fancy that with the morrow will begin the actual scrubbing and window-washing4 ,you do not mind ripping up an old gown while ,john reads to you under the evening lamp1 but you are positively cross in the reflection that you must sew all of to-morrow with the seamstress who is to put the gown together again4 ,i may have told elsewhere the anecdote of the pious negro who was asked what he would do if the ,lord were to order him to jump through a stone wall4 ,i'd gird up my lines 7loins7 an' go at it6 said ,sam1 stoutly4 ,goin' at it is my business2 puttin' me troo is de ,lord's6 ,the story is good enough to be repeated and called to mind many times during the day1 which is absolutely all of life with which we have to do4 ,try the principle--and the practice--recommended in this simple heart-to-heart talk1 dear sister4 ,the habit of living by the day1 rooted in faith in ,him who guarantees grace for that time1 and pledges no more1 is better than the philosopher's stone4 ,the peace it brings is deep-seated and abides1 for it is founded upon a sure mercy and a certain promise4 ,,farewell6