,transcriber's note3  is equivalent to  
italics markup4   ,,little ,,blue ,,book
 ,,no4 #ajii ,edited by ,e4             
,haldeman-,julius   ,a ,cynic ,looks at 
,life  ,ambrose ,bierce                 
,,haldeman-,,julius ,,company ,,girard1 
,,kansas  ,copyright1 #aiab1 by ,the    
,neale ,publishing ,company  ,reprinted 
by ,special ,arrangement ,with ,albert  
and ,charles ,boni1 ,new ,york          
,,printed ,,in ,,the ,,united ,,states  
,,of ,,america   ,a ,,cynic ,,looks ,,at
 ,,life     ,,civilization   ,i  ,the   
question ,does civilization civilize8 is
 a fine example of petitio principii1   
and decides itself in the affirmative2  
for civilization must needs do that from
 the doing of which it has its name4    
,but it is not necessary to suppose that
 he who propounds is either unconscious 
of his lapse in logic or desirous of    
digging a pitfall for the feet of those 
who discuss2 ,i take it he simply wishes
 to put the matter in an impressive way1
 and relies upon a certain degree of    

intelligence in the interpretation4     
,concerning uncivilized peoples we know 
but little except what we are told by   
travelers--who1 speaking generally1 can 
know very little but the fact of        
uncivilization1 as shown in externals   
and irrelevances1 and are moreover1     
greatly given to lying4 ,from the       
savages we hear very little4 ,judging   
them in all things by our own standards 
in default of a knowledge of theirs1 we 
necessarily condemn1 disparage and      
belittle4 ,one thing that civilization  
certainly has not done is to make us    
intelligent enough to understand that   
the contrary of a virtue is not         
necessarily a vice4 ,because1 as a rule1
 we have but one wife and several       
mistresses each it is not certain that  
polygamy is everywhere--nor1 for that   
matter1 anywhere--either wrong or       
inexpedient4 ,because the brutality of  
the civilized slave owners and dealers  
created a conquering sentiment against  
slavery it is not intelligent to assume 

that slavery is a maleficent thing      
amongst ,oriental peoples 7for example7 
where the slave is not oppressed4 ,some 
of these same ,orientals whom we are    
pleased to term half-civilized have no  
regard for truth4 ,takest thou me for a 
,christian dog1 said one of them1 that  
,i should be the slave of my word8 ,so  
far as ,i can perceive1 the ,christian  
dog is no more the slave of his word    
than the ,true ,believer1 and ,i think  
the savage--allowing for the fact that  
his inveracity has dominion over fewer  
things--as great a liar as either of    
them4 ,for my part1 ,i do not know what1
 in all circumstances1 is right or      
wrong2 but ,i know that1 if right1 it is
 at least stupid1 to judge an           
uncivilized people by the standards of  
morality and intelligence set up by     
civilized ones4 ,life in civilized      
countries is so complex that men there  
have more ways to be good than savages  
have1 and more to be bad2 more to be    
happy1 and more to be miserable4 ,and in

 each way to be good or bad1 their      
generally superior knowledge--their     
knowledge of more things--enables them  
to commit greater excesses than the     
savage can4 ,the civilized              
philanthropist wreaks upon his fellows a
 ranker philanthropy1 the civilized     
rascal a sturdier rascality4            
,and--splendid triumph of               
enlightenment6--the two characters are1 
in civilization1 frequently combined in 
one person4  ,i know of no savage custom
 or habit of thought which has not its  
mate in civilized countries4 ,for every 
mischievous or absurd practice of the   
natural man ,i can name you one of ours 
that is essentially the same4 ,and      
nearly every custom of our barbarian    
ancestors in historic times persists in 
some form today4 ,we make ourselves look
 formidable in battle--for that matter1 
we fight4 ,our women paint their faces4 
,we feel it obligatory to dress more or 
less alike1 inventing the most ingenious
 reasons for doing so and actually      

despising and persecuting those who do  
not care to conform4 ,almost within the 
memory of living persons bearded men    
were stoned in the streets2 and a       
clergyman in ,new ,york who wore his    
beard as ,christ wore his1 was put into 
jail and variously persecuted till he   
died4  ,civilization does not1 ,i think1
 make the race any better4 ,it makes men
 know more3 and if knowledge makes them 
happy it is useful and desirable4 ,the  
one purpose of every sane human being is
 to be happy4 ,no one can have any other
 motive than that4 ,there is no such    
thing as unselfishness4 ,we perform the 
most generous and self-sacrificing acts 
because we should be unhappy if we did  
not4 ,we move on lines of least         
reluctance4 ,whatever tends to increase 
the beggarly sum of human happiness is  
worth having2 nothing else has any      
value4  ,the cant of civilization       
fatigues4 ,civilization1 is a fine and  
beautiful structure4 ,it is as          
picturesque as a ,gothic cathedral1 but 

it is built upon the bones and cemented 
with the blood of those whose part in   
all its pomp is that and nothing more4  
,it cannot be reared in the ungenerous  
tropics1 for there the people will not  
contribute their blood and bones4 ,the  
proposition that the average ,american  
workingman or ,european peasant is      
better off than the ,south ,sea         
islander1 lolling under a palm and drunk
 with over-eating1 will not bear a      
moment's examination4 ,it is we scholars
 and gentlemen that are better off4  ,it
 is admitted that the ,south ,sea       
islander in a state of nature is        
overmuch addicted to the practice of    
eating human flesh2 but concerning that 
,i submit3 first1 that he likes it2     
second1 that those who supply it are    
mostly dead4 ,it is upon his enemies    
that he feeds1 and these he would kill  
anyhow1 as we do ours4 ,in civilized1   
enlightened and ,christian countries1   
where cannibalism has not yet           
established itself1 wars are as frequent

 and destructive as among the maneaters4
 ,the untitled savage knows at least why
 he goes killing1 whereas our private   
soldier is commonly in black ignorance  
of the apparent cause of quarrel--of the
 actual cause1 always4 ,their shares in 
the fruits of victory are about equal1  
for the chief takes all the dead1 the   
general all the glory4   ,,ii           
,transplanted institutions grow slowly2 
civilization can not be put into a ship 
and carried across an ocean4 ,the       
history of this country is a sequence of
 illustrations of these truths4 ,it was 
settled by civilized men and women from 
civilized countries1 yet after two and a
 half centuries1 with unbroken          
communication with the mother systems1  
it is still imperfectly civilized4 ,in  
learning and letters1 in art and the    
science of government1 ,america is but a
 faint and stammering echo of ,europe4  
,for nearly all that is good in our     
,american civilization we are indebted  
to the ,old ,world2 the errors and      

mischiefs are of our own creation4 ,we  
have originated little1 because there is
 little to originate1 but we have       
unconsciously reproduced many of the    
discredited systems of former ages and  
other countries--receiving them at      
second hand1 but making them ours by the
 sheer strength and immobility of the   
national belief in their novelty4       
,novelty6 ,why1 it is not possible to   
make an experiment in government1 in    
art1 in literature1 in sociology1 or in 
morals1 that has not been made over1 and
 over1 and over again4  ,the glories of 
,england are our glories4 ,she can      
achieve nothing that our fathers did not
 help to make possible to her4 ,the     
learning1 the power1 the refinement of a
 great nation1 are not the growth of a  
century1 but of many centuries2 each    
generation builds upon the work of the  
preceding4 ,for untold ages our         
ancestors wrought to rear that reverend 
pile1 the civilization of ,england4 ,and
 shall we now try to belittle the mighty

 structure because other though kindred 
hands are laying the top courses while  
we have elected to found a new tower in 
another land8 ,the ,american eulogist of
 civilization who is not proud of his   
heritage in ,england's glory is unworthy
 to enjoy his lesser heritage in the    
lesser glory of his own country4  ,the  
,english1 are undoubtedly our           
intellectual superiors2 and as the      
virtues are solely the product of       
intelligence and cultivation--a rogue   
being only a dunce considered from      
another point of view--they are our     
moral superiors likewise4 ,why should   
they not be8 ,theirs is a land1 not of  
ugly schoolhouses grudgingly erected1   
containing schools supported by such    
niggardly tax levies as a sparse and    
hard-handed population will consent to  
pay1 but of ancient institutions        
splendidly endowed by the state and by  
centuries of private benefaction4 ,as a 
means of dispensing formulated ignorance
 our boasted public school system is not

 without merit2 it spreads out education
 sufficiently thin to give everyone     
enough to make him a more competent fool
 than he would have been without it2 but
 to compare it with that which is not   
the creature of legislation acting with 
malice aforethought1 but the unnoted    
out-growth of ages1 is to be ridiculous4
 ,it is like comparing the laid-out town
 of a western prairie1 its right-angled 
streets1 prim cottages1 and wooden a-b-c
 shops1 with the grand old town of      
,oxford1 topped with the clustered domes
 and towers of its twenty-odd great     
colleges1 the very names of many of     
whose founders have perished from human 
record1 as have the chronicles of the   
times in which they lived4  ,it is not  
only that we have had to subdue the     
wilderness2 our educational conditions  
are adverse otherwise4 ,our political   
system is unfavorable4 ,our fortunes1   
accumulated in one generation1 are      
dispersed in the next4 ,if it takes     
three generations to make a gentleman   

one will not make a thinker4            
,instruction is acquired1 but capacity  
for instruction is transmitted4 ,the    
brain that is to contain a trained      
intellect is not the result of a        
haphazard marriage between a clown and a
 wench1 nor does it get its tractable   
tissues from a hard-headed farmer and a 
soft-headed milliner4 ,if you confess   
the importance of race and pedigree in a
 horse and a dog how dare you deny it in
 a man8  ,i do not hold that the        
political and social system that creates
 an aristocracy of leisure is the best  
possible kind of human organization2 ,i 
perceive its disadvantages clearly      
enough4 ,but ,i do hold that a system   
under which most important public       
trusts1 political and professional1     
civil and military ecclesiastical and   
secular1 are held by educated men--that 
is1 men of trained faculties and        
disciplined judgment--is not an         
altogether faulty system4  ,it is a     
universal human weakness to disparage   

the knowledge that we do not ourselves  
possess1 but it is only my own beloved  
country that can justly boast herself   
the last refuge and asylum of the       
impotents and incapables who deny the   
advantage of all knowledge whatsoever4  
,it was an ,american senator who        
declared that he had devoted a couple of
 weeks to the study of finance1 and     
found the accepted authorities all      
wrong4 ,it was another ,american senator
 who1 confronted with certain hostile   
facts in the history of another country1
 proposed to brush away all facts1 and  
argue the question on consideration of  
plain common sense4  ,republican        
institutions have this disadvantage3 by 
incessant changes in the personnel of   
government--to say nothing of the manner
 of men that ignorant constituencies    
elect2 and all constituencies are       
ignorant--we attain to no fixed         
principles and standards4 ,there is no  
such thing here as a science of         
politics1 because it is not to any one's

 interest to make politics the study of 
his life4 ,nothing is settled2 no truth 
finds general acceptance4 ,what we do   
one year we undo the next1 and do over  
again the year following4 ,our energy is
 wasted in1 and our prosperity suffers  
from1 experiments endlessly repeated4   
,every patriot believes his country     
better than any other country4 ,now1    
they cannot all be the best2 indeed1    
only one can be the best1 and it follows
 that the patriots of all the others    
have suffered themselves to be misled by
 a mere sentiment into blind unreason4  
,in its active manifestation--it is fond
 of killing--patriotism would be well if
 it were simply defensive2 but it is    
also aggressive1 and the same feeling   
that prompts us to strike for our altars
 and our fires impels us over the border
 to quench the fires and overturn the   
altars of our neighbors4 ,it is all very
 pretty and spirited1 what the poets    
tell us about ,thermopyl1 but there was 
as much patriotism at one end of that   

pass as there was at the other4         
,patriotism deliberately and with folly 
aforethought subordinates the interests 
of a whole to the interests of a part4  
,worse still1 the fraction so favored is
 determined by an accident of birth or  
residence4 ,the ,western hoodlum who    
cuts the tail from a ,chinaman's nowl1  
and would cut the nowl from the body1 if
 he dared1 is simply a patriot with a   
logical mind1 having the courage of his 
opinions4 ,patriotism is fierce as a    
fever1 pitiless as the grave and blind  
as a stone4   ,,iii  ,there are two ways
 of clarifying liquids--ebullition and  
precipitation2 one forces the impurities
 to the surface as scum1 the other sends
 them to the bottom as dregs4 ,the      
former is the more offensive1 and that  
seems to be our way2 but neither is     
useful if the impurities are merely     
separated but not removed4 ,we are told 
with tiresome iteration that our social 
and political systems are clarifying2   
but when is the skimmer to appear8 ,if  

the purpose of free institutions is good
 government where is the good           
government8--when may it be expected to 
begin8--how is it to come about8        
,systems of government have no sanctity2
 they are practical means to a simple   
end--the public welfare2 worthy of no   
respect if they fail of its             
accomplishment4 ,the tree is known by   
its fruit4 ,ours is bearing crab-apples4
 ,if the body politic is                
constitutionally diseased1 as ,i verily 
believe2 if the disorder inheres in the 
system2 there is no remedy4 ,the fever  
must burn itself out1 and then ,nature  
will do the rest4 ,one does not         
prescribe what time alone can           
administer4 ,we have put our criminals  
and dunces into power2 do we suppose    
they will efface themselves8 ,will they 
restore to us the power of governing    
them8 ,they must have their way and go  
their length4 ,the natural and          
immemorial sequence is3 tyranny1        
insurrection1 combat4 ,in combat        

everything that wears a sword has a     
chance--even the right4 ,history does   
not forbid us to hope4 ,but it forbids  
us to rely upon numbers2 they will be   
against us4 ,if history teaches anything
 worth learning it teaches that the     
majority of mankind is neither good nor 
wise4 ,when government is founded upon  
the public conscience and the public    
intelligence the stability of states is 
a dream4  ,in that moment of time that  
is covered by historical records we have
 abundant evidence that each generation 
has believed itself wiser and better    
than any of its predecessors2 that each 
people has believed itself to have the  
secret of national perpetuity4 ,in      
support of this universal delusion there
 is nothing to be said2 the desolate    
places of the earth cry out against it4 
,vestiges of obliterated civilizations  
cover the earth2 no savage but has      
camped upon the sites of proud and      
populous cities2 no desert but has heard
 the statesman's boast of national      

stability4 ,our nation1 our laws1 our   
history--all shall go down to           
everlasting oblivion with the others1   
and by the same road4 ,but ,i submit    
that we are traveling it with needless  
haste4  ,it can be spared--this ,jonah's
 gourd civilization of ours4 ,we have   
hardly the rudiments of a true one2     
compared with the splendors of which we 
catch dim glimpses in the fading past1  
ours are as an illumination of tallow   
candles4 ,we know no more than the      
ancients2 we only know other things1 but
 nothing in which is an assurance of    
perpetuity1 and little that is truly    
wisdom4 ,our vaunted elixir vitae is the
 art of printing4 ,what good will that  
do when posterity1 struck by the        
inevitable intellectual blight1 shall   
have ceased to read what is printed8    
,our libraries will become its stables1 
our books its fuel4  ,ours is a         
civilization that might be heard from   
afar in space as a scolding and a riot2 
a civilization in which the race has so 

differentiated as to have no longer a   
community of interest and feeling2 which
 shows as a ripe result of the          
principles underlying it a reasonless   
and rascally feud between rich and poor2
 in which one is offered a choice 7if   
one have the means to take it7 between  
,american plutocracy and ,european      
militocracy1 with an imminent chance of 
renouncing either for a stultocratic    
republic with a headsman in the         
presidential chair and every laundress  
in exile4  ,i have not a solution to the
 labor problem4 ,i have only a story4   
,many and many years ago lived a man who
 was so good and wise that none in all  
the world was so good and wise as he4   
,he was one of those few whose goodness 
and wisdom are such that after some time
 has passed their foolish fellowmen     
begin to think them gods and treasure   
their words as divine law2 and by       
millions they are worshiped through     
centuries of time4 ,amongst the         
utterances of this man was one          

command--not a new nor perfect          
one--which has seemed to his adorers so 
preeminently wise that they have given  
it a name by which it is known over half
 the world4 ,one of the sovereign       
virtues of this famous law is its       
simplicity1 which is such that all      
hearing must understand2 and obedience  
is so easy that any nation refusing is  
unfit to exist except in the turbulence 
and adversity that will surely come to  
it4 ,when a people would avert want and 
strife1 or1 having them1 would restore  
plenty and peace1 this noble commandment
 offers the only means--all other plans 
for safety or relief are as vain as     
dreams1 as empty as the crooning of     
hags4 ,and behold1 here is it3 ,all     
things whatsoever ye would that men     
should do to you1 do ye even so to them4
  ,what6 you unappeasable rich1 coining 
the sweat and blood of your workmen into
 drachmas1 understanding the law of     
supply and demand as mandatory and      
justifying your cruel greed by the      

senseless dictum that business is       
business2 you lazy workmen1 railing at  
the capitalist by whose desertion1 when 
you have frightened away his capital1   
you starve--rioting and shedding blood  
and torturing and poisoning by way of   
answer to exaction and by way of        
exaction2 you foul anarchists1          
applauding with untidy palms when one of
 your coward kind hurls a bomb amongst  
powerless and helpless women and        
children2 you imbecile politicians with 
a plague of remedial legislation for the
 irremediable2 you writers and thinkers 
unread in history1 with as many         
solutions to the labor problem as there 
are among you those who can not         
coherently define it--do you really     
think yourselves wiser than ,jesus of   
,nazareth8 ,do you seriously suppose    
yourselves competent to amend his plan  
for dealing with evils besetting nations
 and souls8 ,have you the effrontery to 
believe that those who spurn his ,golden
 ,rule you can bind to obedience of an  

act entitled an act to amend an act8    
,bah6 you fatigue the spirit4 ,go get ye
 to your scoundrel lockouts1 your       
villain strikes1 your blacklisting1 your
 boycotting1 your speeching1 marching   
and maundering2 but if ye do not to     
others as ye would that they do to you  
it shall occur1 and that right soon1    
that ye be drowned in your own blood and
 your pick-pocket civilization quenched 
as a star that falls into the sea4      
,,the ,,gift ,o' ,,gab   ,a book        
entitled ,forensic ,eloquence1 by ,mr4  
,john ,goss1 appears to have for purpose
 to teach the young idea how to spout1  
and that purpose1 ,i dare say1 it will  
accomplish if something is not done to  
prevent4 ,i know nothing of the matter  
myself1 a strong distaste for forensic  
eloquence1 or eloquence of any kind     
implying a man mounted on his legs and  
doing all the talking1 having averted me
 from its study4 ,the training of the   
youth of this country to utterance of   
themselves after that fashion ,i should 

regard as a disaster of magnitude4 ,so  
far as ,i know it1 forensic eloquence is
 the art of saying things in such a way 
as to make them pass for more than they 
are worth4 ,employed in matters of      
importance 7and for other employment it 
were hardly worth acquiring7 it is      
mischievous because dishonest and       
misleading4 ,in the public service      
,truth toils best when not clad in      
cloth-of-gold and bedaubed with fine    
lace4 ,if eloquence does not beget      
action it is valueless2 but action which
 results from the passions1 sentiments  
and emotions is less likely to be wise  
than that which comes of a persuaded    
judgment4 ,for that reason ,i cannot    
help thinking that the influence of     
,bismarck in ,german politics was more  
wholesome than is that of ,mr4 ,john    
,temple ,graves4  ,for eloquence per    
se--considered merely as an art of      
pleasing--,i entertain something of the 
respect evoked by success2 for it always
 pleases at least the speaker4 ,it is to

 speech what an ornate style is to      
writing--good and pleasant enough in its
 time and place and1 like pie-crust and 
the evening girl1 destitute of any basis
 in common sense4 ,forensic eloquence1  
on the contrary1 has an all too         
sufficient foundation in reason and the 
order of things3 it promotes the        
ambition of tricksters and advances the 
fortunes of rogues4 ,for ,i take it that
 the ,ciceros1 the ,mirabeaus1 the      
,burkes1 the ,o',connells1 the ,patrick 
,henrys and the rest of them--pets of   
the text-bookers and scourges of        
youth--belong in either the one category
 or the other1 or in both4 ,anyhow ,i   
find it impossible to think of them as  
highminded men and right-forth          
statesmen--with their actors' tricks1   
their devices of the countenance1       
inventions of gesture and other cunning 
expedients having nothing to do with the
 matter in hand4 ,extinction of the     
orator ,i hold to be the most beneficent
 possibility of evolution4 ,if ,mr4     

,goss has done anything to retard that  
blessed time when the ,bourke ,cockrans 
shall cease from troubling and the weary
 be at rest he is an enemy of his race4 
,what6 exclaims the thoughtless         
reader--,i have but one--are not the    
great forensic speeches by the world's  
famous orators good reading8            
,considering them merely as literature  
do you not derive a high and refining   
pleasure from them8 ,i do not3 ,i find  
them turgid and tumid no end4 ,they are 
bad reading1 though they may have been  
good hearing4 ,in order to enjoy them   
one must have in memory what1 indeed1   
one is seldom permitted to forget3 that 
they were addressed to the ear2 and in  
imagination one must hold some shadowy  
simulacrum of the orator himself1       
uttering his work4 ,these conditions    
being fulfilled there remains for       
application to the matter of the        
discourse too little attention to get   
much good of it1 and the total effect is
 confusion4 ,literature by which the    

reader is compelled to bear in mind the 
producer and the circumstances under    
which it was produced can be spared4    
,,natura ,,benigna   ,it is not always  
on remote islands peopled with pagans   
that great disasters occur1 as memory   
witnesseth4 ,nor are the forces of      
nature inadequate to production of a    
fiercer throe than any that we have     
known4 ,the situation is this3 we are   
tied by the feet to a fragile shell     
imperfectly confining a force powerful  
enough under favoring conditions1 to    
burst it asunder and set the fragments  
wallowing and grinding together in      
liquid flame1 in the blind fury of a    
readjustment4 ,nay1 it needs no such    
stupendous cataclysm to depeople this   
uneasy orb4 ,let but a square mile be   
blown out of the bottom of the sea1 or a
 great rift open there4 ,is it to be    
supposed that we would be unaffected in 
the altered conditions generated by a   
contest between the ocean and the       
earth's molten core8 ,these fatalities  

are not only possible but in the highest
 degree probable4 ,it is probable1      
indeed1 that they have occurred over and
 over again1 effacing all the more      
highly organized forms of life1 and     
compelling the slow march of evolution  
to begin anew4 ,slow8 ,on the stage of  
,eternity the passing of races--the     
entrances and exits of ,life--are       
incidents in a brisk and lively drama1  
following one another with confusing    
rapidity4  ,mankind has not found it    
practicable to abandon and avoid those  
places where the forces of nature have  
been most malign4 ,the track1 of the    
,western tornado is speedily repeopled4 
,san ,francisco is still populous1      
despite its earthquake1 ,galveston      
despite its storm1 and even the courts  
of ,lisbon are not kept by the lion and 
the lizard4 ,in the ,peruvian village   
straight downward into whose streets the
 crew of a ,united ,states warship once 
looked from the crest of a wave that    
stranded her a half mile inland are     

heard the tinkle of the guitar and the  
voices of children at play4 ,there are  
people living at ,herculaneum and       
,pompeii4 ,on the slopes about ,catania 
the goatherd endures with what courage  
he may the trembling of the ground      
beneath his feet as old ,enceladus again
 turns over on his other side4 ,as the  
,hoang-,ho goes back inside its banks   
after fertilizing its contiguity with   
hydrate of ,china-man the living        
agriculturist follows the receding wave1
 sets up his habitation beneath the     
broken embankment1 and again the ,valley
 of the ,gone ,away blossoms as the     
rose1 its people diving with ,death4    
,this matter can not be amended3 the    
race exposes itself to peril because it 
can do no otherwise4 ,in all the world  
there is no city of refuge--no temple in
 which to take sanctuary1 clinging to   
the horns of the altar--no place apart  
where1 like hunted deer1 we can hope to 
elude the baying pack of ,nature's      
malevolences4 ,the dead-line is drawn at

 the gate of life3 ,man crosses it at   
birth4 ,his advent is a challenge to the
 entire pack--earthquake1 storm1 fire1  
flood1 drought1 heat1 cold1 wild beasts1
 venomous reptiles1 noxious insects1    
bacilli1 spectacular plague and         
velvet-footed household disease--all are
 fierce and tireless in pursuit4 ,dodge1
 turn and double how he can1 there's no 
eluding them2 soon or late some of them 
have him by the throat and his spirit   
returns to the ,god who gave it--and    
gave them4  ,we are told that this earth
 was made for our inhabiting4 ,our      
dearly beloved brethren in the faith1   
our spiritual guides1 philosophers and  
friends of the pulpit1 never tire of    
pointing out the goodness of ,god in    
giving us so excellent a place to live  
in and commending the admirable         
adaptation of all things to our needs4  
,what a fine world it is1 to be sure--a 
darling little world1 so suited to the  
needs of man4 ,a globe of liquid fire1  
straining within a shell relatively no  

thicker than that of an egg--a shell    
constantly cracking and in momentary    
danger of going all to pieces6          
,three-fourths of this delectable field 
of human activity are covered with an   
element in which we can not breathe1 and
 which swallows us by myriads3    ,with 
moldering bones the deep is white       
,from the frozen zones to the tropic    
bright4  ,of the other one-fourth more  
than one-half is uninhabitable by reason
 of climate4 ,on the remaining          
one-eighth we pass a comfortless and    
precarious existence in disputed        
occupancy with countless ministers of   
death and pain--pass it in fighting for 
it1 tooth and nail1 a hopeless battle in
 which we are foredoomed to defeat4     
,everywhere death1 terror1 lamentation  
and the laughter that is more terrible  
than tears--the fury and despair of a   
race hanging on to life by the tips of  
its fingers4 ,and the prize for which we
 strive1 to have and to hold--what is   
it8 ,a thing that is neither enjoyed    

while had1 or missed when lost4 ,so     
worthless it is1 so unsatisfying1 so    
inadequate to purpose1 so false to hope 
and at its best so brief1 that for      
consolation and compensation we set up  
fantastic faiths of an aftertime in a   
better world from which no confirming   
whisper has ever reached us across the  
void4 ,heaven is a prophecy uttered by  
the lips of despair1 but ,hell is an    
inference from analogy4     ,,the       
,,death ,,penalty   ,i  ,down with the  
gallows6 is a cry not unfamiliar in     
,america4 ,there is always a movement   
afoot to make odious the just principle2
 of a life for a life--to represent it  
as a relic of barbarism1 a usurpation of
 the divine authority1 and the rest of  
it4 ,the law making murder punishable by
 death is as purely a measure of        
self-defense as is the display of a     
pistol to one diligently endeavoring to 
kill without provocation4 ,it is in     
precisely the same sense an admonition1 
a warning to abstain from crime4        

,society says by that law3 ,if you kill 
one of us you die1 just as by display of
 the pistol the individual whose life is
 attacked says3 ,desist or be shot4 ,to 
be effective the warning in either case 
must be more than an idle threat4 ,even 
the most unearthly reasoner among the   
anti-hanging unfortunates would hardly  
expect to frighten away an assassin who 
knew the pistol to be unloaded4 ,of     
course these queer illogicians can not  
be made to understand that their        
position commits them to absolute       
non-resistance to any kind of           
aggression2 and that is fortunate for   
the rest of us1 for if as ,christians   
they frankly and consistently took that 
ground we should be under the miserable 
necessity of respecting them4  ,we have 
good reason to hold that the horrible   
prevalence of murder in this country is 
due to the fact that we do not execute  
our laws--that the death penalty is     
threatened but not inflicted--that the  
pistol is not loaded4 ,in civilized     

countries where there is enough respect 
for the laws to administer them1 there  
is enough to obey them4 ,while man still
 has as much of the ancestral brute as  
his skin can hold without cracking we   
shall have thieves and demagogues and   
anarchists and assassins and persons    
with a private system of lexicography   
who define murder as disease and hanging
 as murder1 but in all this welter of   
crime and stupidity are areas where     
human life is comparatively secure      
against the human hand4 ,it is at least 
a significant coincidence that in these 
the death penalty for murder is fairly  
well enforced by judges who do not      
derive any part of their authority from 
those for whose restraint and punishment
 they hold it4 ,against the life of one 
guiltless person the lives of ten       
thousand murderers count for nothing2   
their hanging is a public good1 without 
reference to the crimes that disclose   
their deserts4 ,if we could discover    
them by other signs than their bloody   

deeds they should be hanged anyhow4     
,unfortunately we must have a death as  
evidence4 ,the scientist who will tell  
us how to recognize the potential       
assassin1 and persuade us to kill him1  
will be the greatest benefactor of his  
century4  ,what would these enemies of  
the gibbet have--these lineal           
descendants of the drunken mobs that    
hooted the hangman at ,tyburn ,tree2    
this progeny of criminals1 which has so 
defiled with the mud of its animosity   
the noble office of public executioner  
that even in this enlightened age he    
shirks his high duty1 entrusting it to a
 hidden or unnamed subordinate8 ,if     
murder is unjust of what importance is  
it whether its punishment by death be   
just or not8--nobody needs to incur it4 
,men are not drafted for the death      
penalty2 they volunteer4 ,then it is not
 deterrent1 mutters the gentleman whose 
rude forefather hooted the hangman4     
,well1 as to that1 the law which is to  
accomplish more than a part of its      

purpose must be awaited with great      
patience4 ,every murder proves that     
hanging is not altogether deterrent2    
every hanging1 that it is somewhat      
deterrent--it deters the person hanged4 
,a man's first murder is his crime1 his 
second is ours4  ,the socialists1 it    
seems1 believe with ,alphonse ,karr1 in 
the expediency of abolishing the death  
penalty2 but apparently they do not     
hold1 with him1 that the assassins      
should begin4 ,they want the state to   
begin1 believing that the magnanimous   
example will effect a change of heart in
 those about to murder4 ,this1 ,i take  
it1 is the meaning of their assertion   
that death penalties have not the       
deterring influence that imprisonment   
for life carries4 ,in this they         
obviously err3 death deters at least the
 person who suffers it--he commits no   
more murder2 whereas the assassin who is
 imprisoned for life and immune from    
further punishment may with impunity    
kill his keeper or whomsoever he may be 

able to get at4 ,even as matters now    
are1 incessant vigilance is required to 
prevent convicts in prison from         
murdering their attendants and one      
another4 ,how would it be if the        
life-termer were assured against any    
additional inconvenience for braining a 
guard occasionally1 or strangling a     
chaplain now and then8 ,a penitentiary  
may be described as a place of          
punishment and reward2 and under the    
system proposed1 the difference in      
desirableness between a sentence and an 
appointment would be virtually effaced4 
,to overcome this objection a life      
sentence would have to mean solitary    
confinement1 and that means insanity4   
,is that what these gentlemen propose to
 substitute for death8  ,the death      
penalty1 say these amiables and         
futilitarians1 creates blood-thirstiness
 in the unthinking masses and defeats   
its own ends--is itself a cause of      
murder1 not a check4 ,these gentlemen   
are themselves of the unthinking        

masses--they do not know how to think4  
,let them try to trace and lucidly      
expound the chain of motives lying      
between the knowledge that a murderer   
has been hanged and the wish to commit a
 murder4 ,how1 precisely1 does the one  
beget the other8 ,by what unearthly     
process of reasoning does a man turning 
away from the gallows persuade himself  
that it is expedient to incur the danger
 of hanging8 ,let us have pointed out to
 us the several steps in that remarkable
 mental progress4 ,obviously1 the thing 
is absurd2 one might as reasonably say  
that contemplation of a pitted face will
 make a man wish to go and catch        
smallpox1 or the spectacle of an        
amputated limb on the scrap-heap of a   
hospital tempt him to cut off his arm or
 renounce his leg4  ,an eye for an eye  
and a tooth for a tooth1 say the        
opponents of the death penalty1 is not  
justice2 it is revenge and unworthy of a
 ,christian civilization4 ,it is exact  
justice3 nobody can think of anything   

more accurately just than such          
punishments would be1 whatever the      
motive in awarding them4 ,unfortunately 
such a system is not practicable1 but he
 who denies its justice must deny also  
the justice of a bushel of corn for a   
bushel of corn1 a dollar for a dollar1  
service for service4 ,we can not        
undertake by such clumsy means as laws  
and courts to do to the criminal exactly
 what he has done to his victim1 but to 
demand a life for a life is simple1     
practicable1 expedient and 7therefore7  
right4  ,taking the life of a murderer  
does not restore the life he took1      
therefore it is a most illogical        
punishment4 ,two wrongs do not make a   
right4  ,here's richness6 ,hanging an   
assassin is illogical because it does   
not restore the life of his victim2     
incarceration is logical2 therefore1    
incarceration does--quod1 erat          
demonstrandum4  ,two wrongs certainly do
 not make a right1 but the veritable    
thing in dispute is whether taking the  

life of a life-taker is a wrong4 ,so    
naked and unashamed an example of       
petitio principii would disgrace a      
debater in a pinafore4 ,and these       
wonder-mongers have the effrontery to   
babble of logic6 ,why1 if one of them   
were to meet a syllogism in a lonely    
road he would run away in a hundred and 
fifty directions as hard as ever he     
could hoof it4 ,one is almost ashamed to
 dispute with such intellectual         
cloutlings4  ,whatever an individual may
 rightly do to protect himself society  
may rightly do to protect him1 for he is
 a part of itself4 ,if he may rightly   
take life in defending himself society  
may rightly take life in defending him4 
,if society may rightly take life in    
defending him it may rightly threaten to
 take it4 ,having rightly and mercifully
 threatened to take it1 it not only     
rightly may take it1 but expediently    
must4   ,,ii  ,the law of a life for a  
life does not altogether prevent murder4
 ,no law can altogether prevent any form

 of crime1 nor is it desirable that it  
should4 ,doubtless ,god could so have   
created us that our sense of right and  
justice could have existed without      
contemplation of injustice and wrong2 as
 doubtless he could so have created us  
that we could have felt compassion      
without a knowledge of suffering2 but he
 did not4 ,constituted as we are1 we can
 know good only by contrast with evil4  
,our sense of sin is what our virtues   
feed upon2 in the thin air of universal 
morality the altar-fires of honor and   
the beacons of conscience could not be  
kept alight4 ,a community without crime 
would be a community without warm and   
elevated sentiments--without the sense  
of justice1 without generosity1 without 
courage1 without mercy1 without         
magnanimity--a community of small1 smug 
souls1 uninteresting to ,god and        
uncoveted by the ,devil4 ,we can have1  
and do have1 too much crime1 no doubt2  
what the wholesome proportion is none   
can tell4 ,just now we are running a    

good deal to murder1 but he who can     
gravely attribute that phenomenon1 or   
any part of it1 to infliction of the    
death penalty1 instead of to virtual    
immunity from any penalty at all1 is    
justly entitled to the innocent         
satisfaction that comes of being a      
simpleton4   ,,iii  ,the ,new ,woman is 
against the death penalty1 naturally1   
for she is hot and hardy in the         
conviction that whatever is is wrong4   
,she has visited this world in order to 
straighten things about a bit1 and is in
 distress lest the number of things be  
insufficient to her need4 ,the matter is
 important variously2 not least so in   
its relation to the new heaven and the  
new earth that are to be the outcome of 
woman suffrage4 ,there can be no doubt  
that the vast majority of women have    
sentimental objections to the death     
penalty that quite outweigh such        
practical considerations in its favor as
 they can be persuaded to comprehend4   
,aided by the minority of men afflicted 

by the same mental malady1 they will    
indubitably effect its abolition in the 
first lustrum of their political        
equality4 ,the ,new ,woman will scarcely
 feel the seat of power warm beneath her
 before giving to the assassin's unhand 
me1 villain6 the authority of law4 ,so  
we shall make again the old experiment1 
discredited by a thousand failures1 of  
preventing crime by tenderness to caught
 criminals4 ,and the criminal uncaught  
will treat us to a quantity and quality 
of crime notably augmented by the       
,christian spirit of the new rgime4     
,,iv  ,as to painless execution1 the    
simple and practical way to make them   
both just and expedient is the adoption 
by murderers of a system of painless    
assassinations4 ,until this is done     
there seems to be no call to renounce   
the wholesome discomfort of the style of
 executions endeared to us by memories  
and associations of the tenderest       
character4 ,there is1 ,i fancy1 a       
shaping notion in the observant mind    

that the penologists and their allies   
have gone about as far as they can      
safely be permitted to go in the        
direction of a softer suasion of the    
criminal nature toward good behavior4   
,the modern prison has become a rather  
more comfortable habitation than the    
dangerous classes are accustomed to at  
home4 ,modern prison life has in their  
eyes something of the charm and glamor  
of an ideal existence1 like that in the 
,happy ,valley from which ,rasselas had 
the folly to escape4 ,whatever          
advantages to the public may be secured 
by abating the rigors of imprisonment   
and inconveniences incident to          
execution1 there is this objection3 it  
makes them less deterrent4 ,let the     
penologers and philanthropers have their
 way and even hanging might be made so  
pleasant and withal so interesting a    
social distinction that it would deter  
nobody but the person hanged4 ,adopt the
 euthanasian method of electricity1     
asphyxia by smothering in rose-leaves1  

or slow poisoning with rich food1 and   
the death penalty may come to be        
regarded as the object of a noble       
ambition to the bon vivant1 and the     
rising young suicide may go and kill    
somebody else instead of himself1 in    
order to receive from the public        
executioner a happier dispatch than his 
own 'prentice hand can assure him4  ,but
 the advocates of agreeable pains and   
penalties tell us that in the darker    
ages1 when cruel and degrading          
punishment was the rule1 and was freely 
inflicted for every light infraction of 
the law1 crime was more common than it  
is now2 and in this they appear to be   
right4 ,but one and all1 they overlook a
 fact equally obvious and vastly        
significant1 that the intellectual1     
moral and social condition of the masses
 was very low4 ,crime was more common   
because ignorance was more common1      
poverty was more common1 sins of        
authority1 and therefore hatred of      
authority1 were more common4 ,the world 

of even a century ago was a different   
world from the world of today1 and a    
vastly more uncomfortable one4 ,the     
popular adage to the contrary           
notwithstanding1 human nature was not by
 a long cut the same then that it is    
now4 ,in the very ancient time of that  
early ,english king1 ,george ,,iii1 when
 women were burned at the stake in      
public for various offenses and men were
 hanged for coining and children for    
theft1 and in the still remoter period  
7circa #aecj71 when prisoners were      
boiled in several waters1 divers sorts  
of criminals were disemboweled and some 
are thought to have undergone the peine 
forte et dure of cold-pressing 7an      
infliction which the pen of ,hugo has   
since made popular--in literature7--in  
these wicked old days crime flourished1 
not because of the law's severity1 but  
in spite of it4 ,it is possible that our
 law-making ancestors understood the    
situation as it then was a trifle better
 than we can understand it on the hither

 side of this gulf of years1 and that   
they were not the reasonless barbarians 
that we think them to have been4 ,and if
 they were1 what must have been the     
unreason and barbarity of the criminal  
element with which they had to deal8  ,i
 am far from thinking that severity of  
punishment can have the same restraining
 effect as probability of some          
punishment being inflicted2 but if      
mildness of penalty is to be superadded 
to difficulty of conviction1 and both   
are to be mounted upon laxity in        
detection1 the pile will be complete    
indeed4 ,there is a peculiar fitness1   
perhaps1 in the fact that all these     
pleas for comfortable punishment should 
be urged at a time when there appears to
 be a general disposition to inflict no 
punishment at all4 ,there are1 however1 
still a few old-fashioned persons who   
hold it obvious that one who is         
ambitious to break the laws of his      
country will not with so light a heart  
and so airy an indifference incur the   

peril of a harsh penalty as he will the 
chance of one more nearly resembling    
that which he would himself select4   ,v
  ,after lying for more than a century  
dead ,i was revived1 dowered with a new 
body1 and restored to society4 ,the     
first thing of interest that ,i observed
 was an enormous building1 covering a   
square mile of ground4 ,it was          
surrounded on all sides by a high1      
strong wall of hewn stone upon which    
armed sentinels paced to and fro4 ,in   
one face of the wall was a single gate  
of massive iron1 strongly guarded4      
,while admiring the ,cyclopean          
architecture of the reverend pile ,i was
 accosted by a man in uniform1 evidently
 the warden1 with a cheerful salutation4
  ,colonel1 ,i said1 pray tell me what  
is this building4  ,this1 said he1 is   
the new state penitentiary4 ,it is one  
of twelve1 all alike4  ,you surprise me1
 ,i replied4 ,surely the criminal       
element must have increased enormously4 
,yes1 indeed1 he assented2 under the    

,reform rgime1 which began in your day1 
crime became so powerful1 bold and      
fierce that arrests were no longer      
possible and the prisons then in        
existence were soon overcrowded4 ,the   
state was compelled to erect others of  
greater capacity4  ,but1 ,colonel1 ,i   
protested1 if the criminals were too    
bold and powerful to be taken into      
custody1 of what use are the prisons8   
,and how are they crowded8  ,he fixed   
upon me a look that ,i could not fail to
 interpret as expressing a doubt of my  
sanity4 ,what6 he said1 is it possible  
that the modern penology is unknown to  
you8 ,do you suppose we practice the    
antiquated and ineffective method of    
shutting up the rascals8 ,sir1 the      
growth of the criminal element has1 as  
,i said1 compelled the erection of more 
and larger prisons4 ,we have enough to  
hold comfortably all the honest men and 
women of the state4 ,within these       
protecting walls they carry on all the  
necessary vocations of life excepting   

commerce4 ,that is necessarily in the   
hands of the rogues1 as before4         
,venerated representative of ,reform1 ,i
 exclaimed1 wringing his hand with      
effusion1 you are ,knowledge1 you are   
,history1 you are the ,higher           
,education6 ,we must talk further4      
,come1 let us enter this benign edifice2
 you shall show me your dominion and    
instruct me in the rules4 ,you shall    
propose me as an inmate4  ,i walked     
rapidly to the gate4 ,when challenged by
 the sentinel1 ,i turned to summon my   
instructor4 ,he was nowhere visible4 ,i 
turned again to look at the prison4     
,nothing was there3 desolate and        
forbidding1 as about the broken statue  
of ,ozymandias4  ,the lone and level    
sands stretched far away4               
,,immortality   ,the desire for life    
everlasting has commonly been affirmed  
to be universal--at least that is the   
view taken by those unacquainted with   
,oriental faiths and with ,oriental     
character4 ,those of us whose knowledge 

is a trifle wider are not prepared to   
say that the desire is universal nor    
even general4  ,if the devout ,buddhist1
 for example1 wishes to live always1 he 
has not succeeded in very clearly       
formulating the desire4 ,the sort of    
thing that he is pleased to hope for is 
not what we should call life1 and not   
what many of us would care for4  ,when a
 man says that everybody has a horror of
 annihilation1 we may be very sure that 
he has not many opportunities for       
observation1 or that he has not availed 
himself of all that he has4 ,most       
persons go to sleep rather gladly1 yet  
sleep is virtual annihilation while it  
lasts2 and if it should last forever the
 sleeper would be no worse off after a  
million years of it than after an hour  
of it4 ,there are minds sufficiently    
logical to think of it that way1 and to 
them annihilation is not a disagreeable 
thing to contemplate and expect4  ,in   
this matter of immortality1 people's    
beliefs appear to go along with their   

wishes4 ,the man who is content with    
annihilation thinks he will get it2     
those that want immortality are pretty  
sure they are immortal2 and that is a   
very comfortable allotment of faiths4   
,the few of us that are left unprovided 
for are those who do not bother         
themselves much about the matter1 one   
way or another4  ,the question of human 
immortality is the most momentous that  
the mind is capable of conceiving4 ,if  
it is a fact that the dead live all     
other facts are in comparison trivial   
and without interest4 ,the prospect of  
obtaining certain knowledge with regard 
to this stupendous matter is not        
encouraging4 ,in all countries but those
 in barbarism the powers of the         
profoundest and most penetrating        
intelligences have been ceaselessly     
addressed to the task of glimpsing a    
life beyond this life2 yet today no one 
can truly say that he knows4 ,it is as  
much a matter of faith as ever it was4  
,our modern ,christian nations profess a

 passionate hope and belief in another  
world1 yet the most popular writer and  
speaker of his time1 the man whose      
lectures drew the largest audiences1 the
 work of whose pen brought him the      
highest rewards1 was he who most        
strenuously strove to destroy the ground
 of that hope and unsettle the          
foundations of that belief4  ,the famous
 and popular ,frenchman1 ,professor of  
,spectacular ,astronomy1 ,camille       
,flammarion1 affirms immortality because
 he has talked with departed souls who  
said that it was true4 ,yes1 monsieur1  
but surely you know the rule about      
hearsay evidence4 ,we ,anglo-,saxons are
 very particular about that4  ,m4       
,flammarion says3  ,i don't repudiate   
the presumptive arguments of schoolmen4 
,i merely supplement them with something
 positive4 ,for instance1 if you assumed
 the existence of ,god this argument of 
the scholastics is a good one4 ,god has 
implanted in all men the desire of      
perfect happiness4 ,this desire cannot  

be satisfied in our lives here4 ,if     
there were not another life wherein to  
satisfy it then ,god would be a         
deceiver4 ,voila tout4  ,there is more3 
the desire of perfect happiness does not
 imply immortality1 even if there is a  
,god1 for  7#a7 ,god may not have       
implanted it1 but merely suffers it to  
exist1 as he suffers sin to exist1 the  
desire of wealth1 the desire to live    
longer than we do in this world4 ,it is 
not held that ,god implanted all the    
desires of the human heart4 ,then why   
hold that he implanted that of perfect  
happiness8  7#b7 ,even if he did--even  
if a divinely implanted desire entail   
its own gratification--even if it cannot
 be gratified in this life--that does   
not imply immortality4 ,it implies only 
another life long enough for its        
gratification just once4 ,an eternity of
 gratification is not a logical         
inference from it4  7#c7 ,perhaps ,god  
is a deceiver2 who knows that he is not8
 ,assumption of the existence of a ,god 

is one thing2 assumption of the         
existence of a ,god who is honorable and
 candid according to our conception of  
honor and candor is another4  7#d7      
,there may be an honorable and candid   
,god4 ,he may have implanted in us the  
desire of perfect happiness4 ,it may    
be--it is--impossible to gratify that   
desire in this life4 ,still1 another    
life is not implied1 for ,god may not   
have intended us to draw the inference  
that he is going to gratify it4 ,if     
omniscient and omnipotent1 ,god must be 
held to have intended whatever occurs1  
but no such ,god is assumed in ,m4      
,flammarion's illustration1 and it may  
be that ,god's knowledge and power are  
limited1 or that one of them is limited4
  ,m4 ,flammarion is a learned1 if      
somewhat theatrical1 astronomer4 ,he has
 a tremendous imagination1 which        
naturally is more at home in the        
marvelous and catastrophic than in the  
orderly regions of familiar phenomena4  
,to him the heavens are an immense      

pyrotechnicon and he is the master of   
the show and sets off the fireworks4    
,but he knows nothing of logic1 which is
 the science of straight thinking1 and  
his views of things have therefore no   
value2 they are nebulous4  ,nothing is  
clearer than that our pre-existence is a
 dream1 having absolutely no basis in   
anything that we know or can hope to    
know4 ,of after-existence there is said 
to be evidence1 or rather testimony1 in 
assurances of those who are in present  
enjoyment of it--if it is enjoyable4    
,whether this testimony has actually    
been given--and it is the only testimony
 worth a moment's consideration--is a   
disputed point4 ,many persons living    
this life profess to have received it4  
,but nobody professes1 or ever has      
professed1 to have received a           
communication of any kind from one in   
actual experience of the fore-life4 ,the
 souls as yet ungarmented1 if such there
 are1 are dumb to question4 ,the ,land  
beyond the ,grave has been1 if not      

observed1 yet often and variously       
described3 if not explored and surveyed1
 yet carefully charted4 ,from among so  
many accounts of it that we have1 he    
must be fastidious indeed who cannot be 
suited4 ,but of the ,fatherland that    
spreads before the cradle--the great    
,heretofore1 wherein we all dwelt if we 
are to dwell in the ,hereafter1 we have 
no account4 ,nobody professes knowledge 
of that4 ,no testimony reaches our ears 
of flesh concerning its topographical or
 other features2 no one has been so     
enterprising as to wrest from its actual
 inhabitants any particulars of their   
character and appearance4 ,and among    
educated experts and professional       
proponents of worlds to be there is a   
general denial of its existence4  ,i am 
of their way of thinking about that4    
,the fact that we have no recollection  
of a former life is entirely conclusive 
of the matter4 ,to have lived an        
unrecollected life is impossible and    
unthinkable1 for there would be nothing 

to connect the new life with the old--no
 thread of continuity--nothing that     
persisted from the one life to the      
other4 ,the later birth would be that of
 another person1 an altogether different
 being1 unrelated to the first--a new   
,john ,smith succeeding to the late ,tom
 ,jones4  ,let us not be misled here by 
a false analogy4 ,today ,i may get a    
thwack o' the mazzard which will give me
 an intervening season of               
unconsciousness between yesterday and   
to-morrow4 ,thereafter ,i may live to a 
green old age with no recollection of   
anything that ,i knew1 or did1 or was   
before the accident2 yet ,i shall be the
 same person1 for between the old life  
and the new there will be a nexus1 a    
thread of continuity1 something spanning
 the gulf from the one state to the     
other1 and the same in both--namely1 my 
body with its habits1 capacities and    
powers4 ,that is ,i2 that identifies me 
to others as my former                  
self--authenticates and credentials me  

as the person that incurred the cranial 
mischance1 dislodging memory4  ,but when
 death occurs all is dislodged if memory
 is2 for between two merely mental or   
spiritual existences memory is the only 
nexus conceivable2 consciousness of     
identity is the only identity4 ,to live 
again without memory of having lived    
before is to live another4 ,re-existence
 without recollection is absurd4 ,there 
is nothing to re-exist4                 
,,emancipated ,,woman   ,what ,i should 
like to know is1 how the enlargement of 
woman's sphere by her entrance into     
various activities of commercial1       
professional and industrial life        
benefits the sex4 ,it may please ,helen 
,gougar and satisfy her sense of logical
 accuracy to say1 as she does3 ,we women
 must work in order to fill the places  
left vacant by liquor-drinking men4 ,but
 who filled these places before8 ,did   
they remain vacant1 or were there then  
disappointed applicants1 as now8 ,if my 
memory serves1 there has been no time in

 the period that it covers when the     
supply of workers--abstemious male      
workers--was not in excess of the       
demand4 ,that it has always been so is  
sufficiently attested by the universally
 inadequate wage rate4  ,employers      
seldom fail1 and never for long1 to get 
all the workmen they need4 ,the field   
into which women have put their sickles 
was already overcrowded with reapers4   
,whatever employment women have obtained
 has been got by displacing men--who    
would otherwise be supporting women4    
,where is the general advantage8 ,we may
 shout high tariff1 combination of      
capital1 demonetization of silver1 and  
what not1 but if searching for the cause
 of augmented poverty and crime1        
industrial discontent and the tramp     
evil1 instead of dogmatically expounding
 it1 we should take some account of this
 enormous1 sudden addition to the number
 of workers seeking work4 ,if any one   
thinks that within the brief period of a
 generation the visible supply of labor 

can be enormously augmented without     
profoundly affecting the stability of   
things and disastrously touching the    
interests of wage-workers let no rude   
voice dispel his dream of such          
maleficent agencies as his slumbrous    
understanding may joy to affirm4 ,and   
let our ,widows of ,ashur unlung        
themselves in advocacy of quack remedies
 for evils of which themselves are      
cause2 it remains true that when the    
contention of two lions for one bone is 
exacerbated by the accession of a       
lioness the squabble is not composable  
by stirring up some bears in the cage   
adjacent4  ,indubitably a woman is under
 no obligation to sacrifice herself to  
the good of her sex by foregoing needed 
employment in the hope that it may fall 
to a man gifted with dependent women4   
,nevertheless our congratulations are   
more intelligent when bestowed upon her 
individual head than when sifted into   
the hair of all ,eve's daughters4 ,this 
is a world of complexities1 in which the

 lines of interest are so intertangled  
as frequently to transgress that of sex2
 and one ambitious to help but half the 
race may profitably know that every     
effort to that end provokes a           
counterbalancing mischief4 ,the         
enlargement of woman's opportunities has
 benefited individual women4 ,it has not
 benefited the sex as a whole1 and has  
distinctly damaged the race4 ,the mind  
that can not discern a score of great   
and irreparable general evils distinctly
 traceable to emancipation of woman is  
as impregnable to the light as a toad in
 a rock4  ,a marked demerit of the new  
order of things--the rgime of female    
commercial service--is that its main    
advantage accrues1 not to the race1 not 
to the sex1 not to the class1 not to the
 individual woman1 but to the person of 
least need and worth--the male employer4
 7,female employers in any considerable 
number there will not be1 but those that
 we have could give the male ones       
profitable instruction in grinding the  

faces of their employees47 ,this        
constant increase of the army of        
labor--always and everywhere too large  
for the work in sight--by accession of a
 new contingent of natural oppressibles 
makes the very teeth of old ,munniglut  
thrill with a poignant delight4 ,it     
brings in that situation known as two   
laborers seeking one job--and one of    
them a person whose bones he can easily 
grind to make his bread2 and ,munniglut 
is a miller of skill and experience1    
dusted all over with the evidence of his
 useful craft4 ,when ,heaven has        
assisted the ,daughters of ,hope to open
 to women a new avenue of opportunities 
the first to enter and walk therein1    
like ,god in the ,garden of ,eden1 is   
the good ,mr4 ,munniglut1 contentedly   
smoothing the folds out of the superior 
slope of his paunch1 exuding the        
peculiar aroma of his oleaginous        
personality and larding the new roadway 
with the overflow of a righteousness    
stimulated to action by relish of his   

own identity4 ,and ever thereafter the  
subtle suggestion of a fat philistinism 
lingers along that path of progress like
 an assertion of a possessory right4    
,it is ,god's own crystal truth that in 
dealing with women unfortunate enough to
 be compelled to earn their own living  
and fortunate enough to have wrested    
from ,fate an opportunity to do so1 men 
of business and affairs treat them with 
about the same delicate consideration   
that they show to dogs and horses of the
 inferior breeds4 ,it does not commonly 
occur to the wealthy professional man1  
or prominent merchant1 to be ashamed to 
add to his yearly thousands a part of   
the salary justly due to his female     
bookkeeper or typewriter1 who sits      
before him all day with an empty belly  
in order to have an habilimented back4  
,he has a vague1 hazy notion that the   
law of supply and demand is mandatory1  
and that in submitting himself to it by 
paying her a half of what he would have 
to pay a man of inferior efficiency he  

is supplying the world with a noble     
example of obedience4 ,i must take the  
liberty to remind him that the law of   
supply and demand is not imperative2 it 
is not a statute but a phenomenon4 ,he  
may reply3 ,it is imperative2 the       
penalty for disobedience is failure4 ,if
 ,i pay more in salaries and wages than 
,i need to1 my competitor will not2 and 
with that advantage he will drive me    
from the field4 ,if his margin of profit
 is so small that he must eke it out by 
coining the sweat of his workwomen into 
nickels ,i've nothing to say to him4    
,let him adopt in peace the motto1 ,i   
cheat to eat4 ,i do not know why he     
should eat1 but ,nature1 who has        
provided sustenance for the worming     
sparrow1 the sparrowing owl and the     
owling eagle1 approves the needy man of 
prey and makes a place for him at table4
  ,human nature is pretty well balanced2
 for every lacking virtue there is a    
rough substitute that will serve at a   
pinch--as cunning is the wisdom of the  

unwise1 and ferocity the courage of the 
coward4 ,nobody is altogether bad2 the  
scoundrel who has grown rich by         
underpaying workmen in his factory will 
sometimes endow an asylum for indigent  
seamen4 ,to oppress one's own workmen1  
and provide for the workmen of a        
neighbor--to skin those in charge of    
one's own interests while cottoning and 
oiling the residuary product of         
another's skinnery--that is not very    
good benevolence1 nor very good sense1  
but it serves in place of both4 ,the man
 who eats pt de fois gras in the sweat  
of his girl cashier's face1 or wears    
purple and fine linen in order that his 
typewriter may have an eocene gown and a
 pliocene hat1 seems a tolerably        
satisfactory specimen of the genus      
thief2 but let us not forget that in his
 own home--a fairly good one--he may    
enjoy and merit that highest and most   
honorable title on the scroll of woman's
 favor1 a good provider4 ,one having a  
claim to that glittering distinction    

should enjoy immunity from the coarse   
and troublesome question1 ,from whose   
backs and bellies do you provide8  ,so  
much for the material results to the    
sex4 ,what are the moral results8 ,one  
does not like to speak of them1         
particularly to those who do not and can
 not know--to good women in whose       
innocent minds female immorality is     
inseparable from flashy gowning and the 
painted face2 to foolish1 book-taught   
men who honestly believe in some        
protective sanctity that hedges         
womanhood4 ,if men of the world with    
years enough to have lived out of the   
old rgime into the new would testify in 
this matter there would ensue a great   
rattling of dry bones in bodices of     
reform-ladies4 ,nay1 if the young man   
about town1 knowing nothing of how      
things were in the dark backward and    
absym of time1 but something of the     
moral distance between even so          
free-running a creature as the society  
girl and the average working girl of the

 factory1 the shop and the office1 would
 speak out 7under assurance of immunity 
from prosecution7 his testimony would be
 a surprise to the cartilaginous        
virgins1 blowsy matrons1 acrid relicts  
and hairy males of ,emancipation4 ,it   
would pain1 too1 some very worthy but   
unobservant persons not in sympathy with
 the cause4  ,certain significant facts 
are within the purview of all but the   
very young and the comfortably blind4   
,to the woman of to-day the man of      
to-day is imperfectly polite4 ,in place 
of reverence he gives her deference2 to 
the language of compliment has succeeded
 the language of raillery4 ,men have    
almost forgotten how to bow4 ,doubtless 
the advanced female prefers the new     
manner1 as may some of her less forward 
sisters1 thinking it more sincere4 ,it  
is not2 our giddy grandfather talked    
high-flown nonsense because his heart   
had tangled his tongue4 ,he treated his 
woman more civilly than we ours because 
he loved her better4 ,he never had seen 

her on the rostrum and in the lobby1    
never had heard her in advocacy of      
herself1 never had read her confessions 
of his sins1 never had felt the stress  
of her competition1 nor himself assisted
 by daily personal contact in rubbing   
the bloom off her4 ,he did not know that
 her virtues were due to her secluded   
life1 but thought1 dear old boy1 that   
they were a gift of ,god4     ,a ,,mad  
,,world   ,let us suppose that in       
tracing its cycloidal curves through the
 unthinkable reaches of space traversed 
by the solar system our planet should   
pass through a belt of attenuated matter
 having the property of dementing us6   
,it is a conception easily enough       
entertained4 ,that space is full of     
malign conditions incontinuously        
distributed2 that we are at one time    
traversing a zone comparatively         
innocuous and at another spinning       
through a region of infection2 that away
 behind us in the wake of our swirling  
flight are fields of plague and pain    

still agitated by our passage through   
them1--all this is as good as known4 ,it
 is almost as certain as it is that in  
our little annual circle round the sun  
are points at which we are stoned and   
brick-batted like a pig in a            
potato-patch--pelted with little nodules
 of meteoric metal flung like gravel1   
and bombarded with gigantic masses      
hurled by ,god knows what8 ,what strange
 adventures await us in those yet       
untraveled regions toward which we      
speed8--into what malign conditions may 
we not at any time plunge8--to the      
strength and stress of what frightful   
environment may we not at last succumb8 
,the subject lends itself readily enough
 to a jest1 but ,i am not jesting3 it is
 really altogether probable that our    
solar system1 racing through space with 
inconceivable velocity1 will one day    
enter a region charged with something   
deleterious to the human brain1 minding 
us all mad-wise4  ,by the way1 dear     
reader1 did you ever happen to consider 

the possibility that you are a lunatic1 
and perhaps confined in an asylum8 ,it  
seems to you that you are not--that you 
go with freedom where you will1 and use 
a sweet reasonableness in all your works
 and ways2 but to many a lunatic it     
seems that he is ,rameses ,,ii1 or the  
,holkar of ,indore4 ,many a plunging    
maniac1 ironed to the floor of a cell1  
believes himself the ,goddess of        
,liberty careering gaily through the    
,ten ,commandments in a chariot of gold4
 ,of your own sanity and identity you   
have no evidence that is any better than
 he has of his4 ,more accurately1 ,i    
have none of mine2 for anything ,i know1
 you do not exist1 nor any one of all   
the things with which ,i think myself   
familiarly conscious4 ,all may be       
fictions of my disordered imagination4  
,i really know of but one reason for    
doubting that ,i am an inmate of an     
asylum for the insane--namely1 the      
probability that there is nowhere any   
such thing as an asylum for the insane4 

,this kind of speculation has charms    
that get a good neck-hold upon          
attention4 ,for example1 if ,i am really
 a lunatic1 and the persons and things  
that ,i seem to see about me have no    
objective existence1 what an ingenious  
though disordered imagination ,i must   
have6 ,what a clever coup it was to     
invent ,mr4 ,rockefeller and clothe him 
with the attribute of permanence6 ,with 
what amusing qualities ,i have endowed  
my laird of ,skibo1 philanthropist4     
,what a masterpiece of creative humor is
 my ,fatty ,taft1 statesman1 taking     
himself seriously1 even solemnly1 and   
persuading others to do the same6 ,and  
this city of ,washington1 with its      
motley population of silurians1         
parvenoodles and scamps pranking        
unashamed in the light of day1 and its  
saving contingent of the forsaken       
righteous1 their seed begging           
bread1--did ,rabelais' exuberant fancy  
ever conceive so--but ,rabelais is1     
perhaps1 himself a conception4  ,surely 

he is no common maniac who has wrought  
out of nothing the history1 the         
philosophies1 sciences1 arts1 laws1     
religions1 politics and morals of this  
imaginary world4 ,nay1 the world itself1
 tumbling uneasily through space like a 
beetle's ball1 is no mean achievement1  
and ,i am proud of it4 ,but the mental  
feat in which ,i take most satisfaction1
 and which ,i doubt not is most         
diverting to my keepers1 is that of     
creating ,mr4 ,w4,r4 ,hearst1 pointing  
his eyes toward the ,white ,house and   
endowing him with a perilous ,jacksonian
 ambition to defile it4 ,the ,hearst is 
distinctly a treasure4  ,on the whole1  
,i have done1 ,i think1 tolerably well1 
and when ,i contemplate the fertility   
and originality of my inventions1 the   
queer unearthliness and grotesque       
actions of the characters whom ,i have  
evolved1 isolated and am cultivating1 ,i
 cannot help thinking that if ,heaven   
had not made me a lunatic my peculiar   
talent might have made me an            

entertaining writer4     ,,epigrams ,,of
 ,a ,,cynic   ,if every hypocrite in the
 ,united ,states were to break his leg  
to-day the country could be successfully
 invaded to-morrow by the warlike       
hypocrites of ,canada4  ,to ,dogmatism  
the ,spirit of ,inquiry is the same as  
the ,spirit of ,evil1 and to pictures of
 the latter it appends a tail to        
represent the note of interrogation4    
,immoral is the judgment of the stalled 
ox on the gamboling lamb4  ,in forgiving
 an injury be somewhat ceremonious1 lest
 your magnanimity be construed as       
indifference4  ,true1 man does not know 
woman4 ,but neither does woman4  ,age is
 provident because the less future we   
have the more we fear it4  ,reason is   
fallible and virtue invincible2 the     
winds vary and the needle forsakes the  
pole1 but stupidity never errs and never
 intermits4 ,since it has been found    
that the axis of the earth wabbles1     
stupidity is indispensable as a standard
 of constancy4  ,in order that the list 

of able women may be memorized for use  
at meetings of the oppressed sex1       
,heaven has considerately made it brief4
  ,firmness is my persistency2 obstinacy
 is yours4    ,a little heap of dust1   
,a little streak of rust1   ,a stone    
without a name--   ,lo6 hero1 sword and 
fame4  ,our vocabulary is defective2 we 
give the same name to woman's lack of   
temptation and man's lack of            
opportunity4  ,you scoundrel1 you have  
wronged me1 hissed the philosopher4 ,may
 you live forever6  ,the man who thinks 
that a garnet can be made a ruby by     
setting it in brass is writing dialect  
for publication4  ,who art thou1        
stranger1 and what dost thou seek8 ,i am
 ,generosity1 and ,i seek a person named
 ,gratitude4 ,then thou dost not deserve
 to find her4 ,true4 ,i will go about my
 business and think of her no more4 ,but
 who art thou1 to be so wise8 ,i am     
,gratitude--farewell forever4  ,there   
was never a genius who was not thought a
 fool until he disclosed himself2       

whereas he is a fool then only4  ,the   
boundaries that ,napoleon drew have been
 effaced2 the kingdoms that he set up   
have disappeared4 ,but all the armies   
and statecraft of ,europe cannot unsay  
what you have said4    ,strive not for  
singularity in dress2   ,fools have the 
more and men of sense the less4   ,to   
look original is not worth while1   ,but
 be in mind a little out of style4  ,a  
conqueror arose from the dead4          
,yesterday1 he said1 ,i ruled half the  
world4 ,please show me the half that you
 ruled1 said an angel1 pointing out a   
wisp of glowing vapor floating in space4
 ,that is the world4  ,who art thou1    
shivering in thy furs8 ,my name is      
,avarice4 ,what is thine8               
,unselfishness4 ,where is thy clothing1 
placid one8 ,thou art wearing it4  ,to  
be comic is merely to be playful1 but   
wit is a serious matter4 ,to laugh at it
 is to confess that you do not          
understand4  ,if you would be accounted 
great by your contemporaries1 be not too

 much greater than they4  ,to have      
something that he will not desire1 nor  
know that he has--such is the hope of   
him who seeks the admiration of         
posterity4 ,the character of his work   
does not matter2 he is a humorist4      
,women1 and foxes1 being weak1 are      
distinguished by superior tact4  ,to    
fatten pigs1 confine and feed them2 to  
fatten rogues1 cultivate a generous     
disposition4  ,every heart is the lair  
of a ferocious animal4 ,the greatest    
wrong that you can put upon a man is to 
provoke him to let out his beast4  ,when
 two irreconcilable propositions are    
presented for assent the safest way is  
to thank ,heaven that we are not as the 
unreasoning brutes1 and believe both4   
,truth is more deceptive than falsehood1
 for it is more frequently presented by 
those from whom we do not expect it1 and
 so has against it a numerical          
presumption4  ,a bad marriage is like an
 electrical thrilling machine3 it makes 
you dance1 but you can't let go4        

,meeting ,merit on a street-crossing1   
,success stood still4 ,merit stepped off
 into the mud and went around him1      
bowing his apologies1 which ,success had
 the grace to accept4  ,i think1 says   
the philosopher divine1 ,therefore ,i   
am4 ,sir1 here's a surer sign3 ,we know 
we live1 for with our every breath we   
feel the fear and imminence of death4   
,the first man you meet is a fool4 ,if  
you do not think so ask him and he will 
prove it4  ,he who would rather inflict 
injustice than suffer it will always    
have his choice1 for no injustice can be
 done to him4  ,there are as many       
conceptions of a perfect happiness      
hereafter as there are minds that have  
marred their happiness here4  ,we yearn 
to be1 not what we are1 but what we are 
not4 ,if we were immortal we should not 
crave immortality4  ,a rabbit's foot may
 bring good luck to you1 but it brought 
none to the rabbit4  ,before praising   
the wisdom of the man who knows how to  
hold his tongue ascertain if he knows   

how to hold his pen4  ,the most charming
 view in the world is obtained by       
introspection4  ,love is unlike chess1  
in that the pieces are moved secretly   
and the player sees most of the game4   
,but the looker-on has one incomparable 
advantage3 he is not the stake4  ,it is 
not for nothing that tigers choose to   
hide in the jungle1 for commerce and    
trade are carried on1 mostly1 in the    
open4  ,we say that we love1 not whom we
 will1 but whom we must4 ,our judgment  
need not1 therefore1 go to confession4  
,of two kinds of temporary insanity1 one
 ends in suicide1 the other in marriage4
  ,if you give alms from compassion1 why
 require the beneficiary to be a        
deserving object8 ,no other adversity is
 so sharp as destitution of merit4      
,bereavement is the name that           
selfishness gives to a particular       
privation4    ,o proud philanthropist1  
your hope is vain   ,to get by giving   
what you lost by gain4   ,with every    
gift you do but swell the cloud   ,of   

witnesses against you1 swift and loud-- 
,accomplices who turn and swear you     
split   ,your life3 half robber and half
 hypocrite4   ,you're least unsafe when 
most intact you hold   ,your curst      
allotment of dishonest gold4  ,the      
highest and rarest form of contentment  
is approval of the success of another4  
,if ,inclination challenge1 stand and   
fight--   ,from ,opportunity the wise   
take flight4  ,what a woman most admires
 in a man is distinction among men4     
,what a man most admires in a woman is  
devotion to himself4  ,those who most   
loudly invite ,god's attention to       
themselves when in peril of death are   
those who should most fervently wish to 
escape his observation4  ,when you have 
made a catalogue of your friend's faults
 it is only fair to supply him with a   
duplicate1 so that he may know yours4   
,how fascinating is ,antiquity6--in what
 a golden haze the ancients lived their 
lives6 ,we1 too1 are ancients4 ,of our  
enchanting time ,posterity's great poets

 will sing immortal songs1 and its      
archaeologists will reverently uncover  
the foundations of our palaces and      
temples4 ,meantime we swap jack-knives4 
,observe1 my son1 with how austere a    
virtue the man without a cent puts aside
 the temptation to manipulate the market
 or acquire a monopoly4  ,for study of  
the good and the bad in woman two women 
are a needless expense4    ,there's no  
free will1 says the philosopher2     ,to
 hang is most unjust4   ,there is no    
free will1 assents the officer2     ,we 
hang because we must4  ,hope is an      
explorer who surveys the country ahead4 
,that is why we know so much about the  
,hereafter and so little about the      
,heretofore4  ,remembering that it was a
 woman who lost the world1 we should    
accept the act of cackling geese in     
saving ,rome as partial reparation4     
,there are two classes of women who may 
do as they please2 those who are rich   
and those who are poor4 ,the former can 
count on assent1 the latter on          

inattention4  ,when into the house of   
the heart ,curiosity is admitted as the 
guest of ,love she turns her host out of
 doors4  ,happiness has not to all the  
same name3 to ,youth she is known as the
 ,future2 ,age knows her as the ,dream4 
,who art thou1 there in the mire8       
,intuition4 ,i leaped all the way from  
where thou standest in fear on the brink
 of the bog4 ,a great feat1 madam2      
accept the admiration of ,reason1       
sometimes known as ,dryfoot4  ,in       
eradicating an evil1 it makes a         
difference whether it is uprooted or    
rooted up4 ,the difference is in the    
reformer4  ,the ,audible ,sisterhood    
rightly affirms the equality of the     
sexes3 no man is so base but some woman 
is base enough to love him4  ,having no 
eyes in the back of the head1 we see    
ourselves on the verge of the outlook4  
,only he who has accomplished the       
notable feat of turning about knows     
himself the central figure in the       
universe4  ,truth is so good a thing    

that falsehood can not afford to be     
without it4  ,if women did the writing  
of the world1 instead of the talking1   
men would be regarded as the superior   
sex in beauty1 grace and goodness4      
,love is a delightful day's journey4 ,at
 the farther end kiss your companion and
 say farewell4  ,let him who would wish 
to duplicate his every experience prate 
of the value of life4  ,the game of     
discontent has its rules1 and he who    
disregards them cheats4 ,it is not      
permitted to you to wish to add         
another's advantages or possessions to  
your own2 you are permitted only to wish
 to be another4  ,the creator and       
arbiter of beauty is the heart2 to the  
male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake 
is the loveliest thing in nature4       
,thought and emotion dwell apart4 ,when 
the heart goes into the head there is no
 dissension2 only an eviction4  ,if you 
want to read a perfect book there is    
only one way3 write it4  ,where goest   
thou1 ,ignorance8 ,to fortify the mind  

of a maiden against a peril4 ,i am going
 thy way4 ,my name is ,knowledge4       
,scoundrel6 ,thou art the peril4  ,a    
prude is one who blushes modestly at the
 indelicacy of her thoughts and         
virtuously flies from the temptation of 
her desires4  ,the man who is always    
taking you by the hand is the same who  
if you were hungry would take you by the
 cafe4  ,when a certain sovereign wanted
 war he threw out a diplomatic          
intimation2 when ready1 a diplomat4  ,if
 public opinion were determined by a    
throw of the dice1 it would in the long 
run be half the time right4  ,the       
gambling known as business looks with   
austere disfavor upon the business known
 as gambling4  ,a virtuous widow is the 
most loyal of mortals2 she is faithful  
to that which is neither pleased nor    
profited by her fidelity4  ,of one who  
was foolish the creators of our language
 said that he was fond4 ,that we have   
not definitely reversed the meanings of 
the words should be set down to the     

credit of our courtesy4  ,rioting gains 
its end by the power of numbers4 ,to a  
believer in the wisdom and goodness of  
majorities it is not permitted to       
denounce a successful mob4              
,artistically set to grace   ,the wall  
of a dissecting-place1   ,a human       
pericardium   ,was fastened with a bit  
of gum1   ,while1 simply underrunning   
it1   ,the one word1 ,charity1 was writ 
,to show the student band that hovered  
,about it what it once had covered4     
,virtue is not necessary to a good      
reputation1 but a good reputation is    
helpful to virtue4  ,when lost in a     
forest go always down hill4 ,when lost  
in a philosophy or doctrine go up-ward4 
,we submit to the majority because we   
have to4 ,but we are not compelled to   
call our attitude of subjection a       
posture of respect4  ,pascal says that  
an inch added to the length of          
,cleopatra's nose would have changed the
 fortunes of the world4 ,but having said
 this1 he has said nothing1 for all the 

forces of nature and all the power of   
dynasties could not have added an inch  
to the length of ,cleopatra's nose4     
,our luxuries are always masquerading as
 necessaries4 ,woman is the only        
necessary having the boldness and       
address to compel recognition as a      
luxury4  ,i am the seat of the          
affections1 said the heart4 ,thank you1 
said the judgment1 you save my face4    
,who art thou that weepest8 ,man4 ,nay1 
thou art ,egotism4 ,i am the ,scheme of 
the ,universe4 ,study me and learn that 
nothing matters4 ,then how does it      
happen that ,i weep8  ,a slight is less 
easily forgiven than an injury1 because 
it implies something of contempt1       
indifference1 an overlooking of our     
importance2 whereas an injury           
presupposes some degree of              
consideration4 ,the blackguards6 said a 
traveler whom ,sicilian brigands had    
released without ransom2 did they think 
me a person of no consequence8  ,the    
people's plaudits are unheard in hell4  

,generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue 
that takes no chances4  ,if there was a 
world before this we must all have died 
impenitent4  ,we are what we laugh at4  
,the stupid person is a poor joke1 the  
clever1 a good one4  ,if every man who  
resents being called a rogue resented   
being one this would be a world of      
wrath4  ,force and charm are important  
elements of character1 but it counts for
 little to be stronger than honey and   
sweeter than a lion4    ,grief and      
discomfiture are coals that cool3   ,why
 keep them glowing with thy sighs1 poor 
fool8  ,a popular author is one who     
writes what the people think4 ,genius   
invites them to think something else4   
,asked to describe the ,deity1 a donkey 
would represent him with long ears and a
 tail4 ,man's conception is higher and  
truer3 he thinks of him as somewhat     
resembling a man4  ,christians and      
camels receive their burdens kneeling4  
,the sky is a concave mirror in which   
,man sees his own distorted image and   

seeks to propitiate it4  ,honor thy     
father and thy mother that thy days may 
be long in the land1 but do not hope    
that the life insurance companies will  
offer thee special rates4  ,persons who 
are horrified by what they believe to be
 ,darwin's theory of the descent of ,man
 from the ,ape may find comfort in the  
hope of his return4  ,a strong mind is  
more easily impressed than a weak2 you  
shall not so readily convince a fool    
that you are a philosopher as a         
philosopher that you are a fool4  ,a    
cheap and easy cynicism rails at        
everything4 ,the master of the art      
accomplishes the formidable task of     
discrimination4  ,when publicly censured
 our first instinct is to make everybody
 a codefendant4    ,o lady fine1 fear   
not to lead     ,to ,hymen's shrine a   
clown3   ,love cannot level up1 indeed1 
,but he can level down4  ,men are       
polygamous by nature and monogamous for 
opportunity4 ,it is a faithful man who  
is willing to be watched by a half-dozen

 wives4  ,the virtues chose ,modesty to 
be their queen4 ,i did not know that ,i 
was a virtue1 she said4 ,why did you not
 choose ,innocence8 ,because of her     
ignorance1 they replied4 ,she knows     
nothing but that she is a virtue4  ,it  
is a wise man's man who knows what it is
 that he despises in a ladies' man4  ,if
 the vices of women worshiped their     
creators men would boast of the         
adoration they inspire4  ,the only      
distinction that democracies reward is a
 high degree of conformity4  ,slang is  
the speech of him who robs the literary 
garbage carts on their way to the dumps4
  ,a woman died who had passed her life 
in affirming the superiority of her sex4
 ,at last1 she said1 ,i shall have rest 
and honors4 ,enter1 said ,saint ,peter2 
thou shalt wash the faces of the dear   
little cherubim4  ,to woman a general   
truth has neither value nor interest    
unless she can make a particular        
application of it4 ,and we say that     
women are not practical6  ,the ignorant 

know not the depth of their ignorance1  
but the learned know the shallowness of 
their learning4  ,he who relates his    
success in charming woman's heart may be
 assured of his failure to charm man's  
ear4    ,what poignant memories the     
shadows bring   ,what songs of triumph  
in the dawning ring6   ,by night a      
coward and by day a king4  ,when among  
the graves of thy fellows1 walk with    
circumspection2 thine own is open at thy
 feet4  ,as the physiognomist takes his 
own face as the highest type and        
standard1 so the critic's theories are  
imposed by his own limitations4  ,heaven
 lies about us in our infancy1 and our  
neighbors take up the tale as we mature4
    ,my laws1 she said1 are of myself a 
part3     ,i read them by examining my  
heart4   ,true1 he replied2 like those  
to ,moses known1     ,thine also are    
engraven upon stone4  ,love is a        
distracted attention3 from contemplation
 of one's self one turns to consider    
one's dream4  ,halt6--who goes there8   

,death4 ,advance1 ,death1 and give the  
countersign4 ,how needless6 ,i care not 
to enter thy camp tonight4 ,thou shalt  
enter mine4 ,what6 ,i a deserter8 ,nay1 
a great soldier4 ,thou shalt overcome   
all the enemies of mankind4 ,who are    
they8 ,life and the ,fear of ,death4    
,the palmist looks at the wrinkles made 
by closing the hand and says they       
signify character4 ,the philosopher     
reads character by what the hand most   
loves to close upon4    ,ah1 woe is his1
 with length of living cursed1   ,who1  
nearing second childhood1 had no first4 
,behind1 no glimmer1 and before no ray--
   ,a night at either end of his dark   
day4  ,a noble enthusiasm in praise of  
,woman is not incompatible with a       
spirited zeal in defamation of women4   
,the money-getter who pleads his love of
 work has a lame defense1 for love of   
work at money-getting is a lower taste  
than love of money4  ,he who thinks that
 praise of mediocrity atones for        
disparagement of genius is like one who 

should plead robbery in excuse of theft4
  ,the most disagreeable form of        
masculine hypocrisy is that which finds 
expression in pretended remorse for     
impossible gallantries4  ,any one can   
say that which is new2 any one that     
which is true4 ,for that which is both  
new and true we must go duly accredited 
to the gods and await their pleasure4   
,the test of truth is ,reason1 not      
,faith2 for to the court of ,reason must
 be submitted even the claims of ,faith4
  ,whither goest thou8 said the angel4  
,i know not4 ,and whence hast thou come8
 ,i know not4 ,but who art thou8 ,i know
 not4 ,then thou art ,man4 ,see that    
thou turn not back1 but pass on to the  
place whence thou hast come4  ,if       
,expediency and ,righteousness are not  
father and son they are the most        
harmonious brothers that ever were seen4
  ,train the head1 and the heart will   
take care of itself2 a rascal is one who
 knows not how to think4    ,do you to  
others as you would     ,that others do 

to you2   ,but see that you no service  
good   ,would have from others that they
 could     ,not rightly do4  ,taunts are
 allowable in the case of an obstinate  
husband3 balky horses may best be made  
to go by having their ears bitten4      
,adam probably regarded ,eve as the     
woman of his choice1 and exacted a      
certain gratitude for the distinction of
 his preference4  ,a man is the sum of  
his ancestors2 to reform him you must   
begin with a dead ape and work downward 
through a million graves4 ,he is like   
the lower end of a suspended chain2 you 
can sway him slightly to the right or   
the left1 but remove your hand and he   
falls into line with the other links4   
,he who thinks with difficulty believes 
with alacrity4 ,a fool is a natural     
proselyte1 but he must be caught young1 
for his convictions1 unlike those of the
 wise1 harden with age4  ,these are the 
prerogatives of genius3 ,to know without
 having learned2 to draw just           
conclusions from unknown premises2 to   

discern the soul of things4  ,although  
one love a dozen times1 yet will the    
latest love seem the first4 ,he who says
 he has loved twice has not loved once4 
,men who expect universal peace through 
invention of destructive weapons of war 
are no wiser than one who1 noting the   
improvement of agricultural implements1 
should prophesy an end to the tilling of
 the soil4  ,to parents only1 death     
brings an inconsolable sorrow4 ,when the
 young die and the old live1 nature's   
machinery is working with the friction  
that we name grief4  ,empty wine bottles
 have a bad opinion of women4           
,civilization is the child of human     
ignorance and conceit4 ,if ,man knew his
 insignificance in the scheme of things 
he would not think it worth while to    
rise from barbarity to enlightenment4   
,but it is only through enlightenment   
that he can know4  ,along the road of   
life are many pleasure resorts1 but     
think not that by tarrying in them you  
will take more days to the journey4 ,the

 day of your arrival is already         
recorded4  ,the most offensive egotist  
is he that fears to say ,i and me4 ,it  
will probably rain--that is dogmatic4 ,i
 think it will rain--that is natural and
 modest4 ,montaigne is the most         
delightful of essayists because so great
 is his humility that he does not think 
it important that we see not ,montaigne4
 ,he so forgets himself that he employs 
no artifice to make us forget him4      
,on fair foundations ,theocrats unwise  
,rear superstructures that offend the   
skies4   ,behold1 they cry1 this pile so
 fair and tall6   ,come dwell within it 
and be happy all4   ,but they alone     
inhabit it1 and find1   ,poor fools1    
'tis but a prison for the mind4  ,if    
thou wilt not laugh at a rich man's wit 
thou art an anarchist1 and if thou take 
not his word thou shalt take nothing    
that he hath4 ,make haste1 therefore1 to
 be civil to thy betters1 and so        
prosper1 for prosperity is the          
foundation of the state4  ,death is not 

the end2 there remains the litigation   
over the estate4  ,when ,god makes a    
beautiful woman1 the devil opens a new  
register4  ,when ,eve first saw her     
reflection in a pool1 she sought ,adam  
and accused him of infidelity4  ,why    
dost thou weep8 ,for the death of my    
wife4 ,alas6 ,i shall never again see   
her6 ,thy wife will never again see     
thee1 yet she does not weep4  ,what     
theology is to religion and             
jurisprudence to justice1 etiquette is  
to civility4  ,who art thou that despite
 the piercing cold and thy robe's       
raggedness seemest to enjoy thyself8    
,naught else is enjoyable--,i am        
,contentment4 ,ha6 thine must be a magic
 shirt4 ,off with it6 ,i shiver in my   
fine attire4 ,i have no shirt4 ,pass on1
 ,success4  ,ignorance when inevitable  
is excusable4 ,it may be harmless1 even 
beneficial2 but it is charming only to  
the unwise4 ,to affect a spurious       
ignorance is to disclose a genuine4     
,because you will not take by theft what

 you can have by cheating1 think not    
yours is the only conscience in the     
world4 ,even he who permits you to cheat
 his neighbor will shrink from          
permitting you to cheat himself4  ,god  
keep thee1 stranger2 what is thy name8  
,wisdom4 ,and thine8 ,knowledge4 ,how   
does it happen that we meet8 ,this is an
 intersection of our paths4 ,will it    
ever be decreed that we travel always   
the same road8 ,we were well named if we
 knew4  ,nothing is more logical than   
persecution4 ,religious tolerance is a  
kind of infidelity4  ,convictions are   
variable2 to be always consistent is to 
be sometimes dishonest4  ,the           
philosopher's profoundest conviction is 
that which he is most reluctant to      
express1 lest he mislead4  ,when        
exchange of identities is possible1 be  
careful2 you may choose a person who is 
willing4  ,the most intolerant advocate 
is he who is trying to convince himself4
  ,in the ,parliament of ,otumwee the   
,chancellor of the ,exchequer proposed a

 tax on fools4 ,the right honorable and 
generous gentleman1 said a member1      
forgets that we already have it in the  
poll tax4  ,whose dead body is that8    
,credulity's4 ,by whom was he slain8    
,credulity4 ,ah1 suicide4 ,no1 surfeit4 
,he dined at the table of ,science1 and 
swallowed all that was set before him4  
,don't board with the devil if you wish 
to be fat4  ,pray do not despise your   
delinquent debtor2 his default is no    
proof of poverty4  ,courage is the      
acceptance of the gambler's chance3 a   
brave man bets against the game of the  
gods4  ,who art thou8 ,a philanthropist4
 ,and thou8 ,a pauper4 ,away6 you have  
nothing to relieve my needs4  ,youth    
looks forward1 for nothing is behind6   
,age backward1 for nothing is before4