,illustration3 ,a ,,bride',s ,,bouquet ,,the ,,radiance ,,of ,a ,,truly ,,happy ,,bride ,,is ,,so ,,beautifying ,,that ,,even ,a ,,plain ,,girl ,,is ,,made ,,pretty1 ,,and ,a ,,pretty ,,one1 ,,divine4 ,page #cgc4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,society1 ,,in ,,business1 ,,in ,,politics ,,and ,,at ,,home ,,by ,,emily ,,post 7,,mrs4 ,,price ,,post7 ,author of ,purple and ,fine ,linen1 ,the ,title ,market1 ,woven in the ,tapestry1 ,the ,flight of a ,moth1 ,letters of a ,worldly ,godmother1 etc41 etc4 ,,illustrated ,,with ,,private ,,photographs ,,and ,,facsimiles ,,of ,,social ,,forms ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london #aibb ,by ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,printed in the ,united ,states of ,america ,first ,edition published in ,july #aibb ,second ,edition published in ,september1 #aibb ,august #aa1 #aiaj4 ,,to ,,you ,,my ,,friends ,,whose ,,identity ,,in ,,these ,,pages ,,is ,,veiled ,,in ,,fictional ,,disguise ,,it ,,is ,,but ,,fitting ,,that ,i ,,dedicate ,,this ,,book4 ,,contents ,,chapter ,,introduction ,i4 ,,what ,,is ,,best ,,society8 ,,ii4 ,,introductions ,,iii4 ,,greetings ,,iv4 ,,salutations ,,of ,,courtesy ,v4 ,,on ,,the ,,street ,,and ,,in ,,public ,,vi4 ,,at ,,public ,,gatherings ,,vii4 ,,conversation ,,viii4 ,,words1 ,,phrases ,,and ,,pronunciation ,,ix4 ,,one',s ,,position ,,in ,,the ,,community ,x4 ,,cards ,,and ,,visits ,,xi4 ,,invitations1 ,,acceptances ,,and ,,regrets ,,xii4 ,,the ,,well-,,appointed ,,house ,,xiii4 ,,teas ,,and ,,other ,,afternoon ,,parties ,,xiv4 ,,formal ,,dinners ,,xv4 ,,dinner-,,giving ,,with ,,limited ,,equipment ,,xvi4 ,,luncheons1 ,,breakfasts ,,and ,,suppers ,,xvii4 ,,balls ,,and ,,dances ,,xviii4 ,,the ,d,,butante ,,xix4 ,,the ,,chaperon ,,and ,,other ,,conventions ,,xx4 ,,engagements ,,xxi4 ,,first ,,preparations ,,before ,a ,,wedding ,,xxii4 ,,the ,,day ,,of ,,the ,,wedding ,,xxiii4 ,,christenings ,,xxiv4 ,,funerals ,,xxv4 ,,the ,,country ,,house ,,and ,,its ,,hospitality ,,xxvi4 ,,the ,,house ,,party ,,in ,,camp ,,xxvii4 ,,notes ,,and ,,shorter ,,letters ,,xxviii4 ,,longer ,,letters ,,xxix4 ,,the ,,fundamentals ,,of ,,good ,,behavior ,,xxx4 ,,clubs ,,and ,,club ,,etiquette ,,xxxi4 ,,games ,,and ,,sports ,,xxxii4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,business ,,and ,,politics ,,xxxiii4 ,,dress ,,xxxiv4 ,,the ,,clothes ,,of ,a ,,gentleman ,,xxxv4 ,,the ,,kindergarten ,,of ,,etiquette ,,xxxvi4 ,,every-,,day ,,manners ,,at ,,home ,,xxxvii4 ,,traveling ,,at ,,home ,,and ,,abroad ,,xxxviii4 ,,the ,,growth ,,of ,,good ,,taste ,,in ,,america ,,photographic ,,illustrations ,a ,,bride',s ,,bouquet ,a ,,gem ,,of ,a ,,house ,,the ,,personality ,,of ,a ,,house ,,consideration ,,for ,,servants ,,the ,,afternoon ,,tea-,,table ,a ,,formal ,,dinner ,,detail ,,of ,,place ,,at ,a ,,formal ,,dinner ,a ,,dinner ,,service ,,without ,,silver ,,the ,,most ,,elaborate ,,dinner ,,dance ,,ever ,,given ,,in ,,new ,,york ,a ,,church ,,wedding ,a ,,house ,,wedding ,,the ,,ideal ,,guest ,,room ,a ,,breakfast ,,tray ,,the ,,child ,,at ,,table ,,introduction ,,manners ,,and ,,morals ,by ,richard ,duffy ,many who scoff at a book of etiquette would be shocked to hear the least expression of levity touching the ,ten ,commandments4 ,but the ,commandments do not always prevent such virtuous scoffers from dealings with their neighbor of which no gentleman could be capable and retain his claim to the title4 ,though it may require ingenuity to reconcile their actions with the ,decalogue--the ingenuity is always forthcoming4 ,there is no intention in this remark to intimate that there is any higher rule of life than the ,ten ,commandments2 only it is illuminating as showing the relationship between manners and morals1 which is too often overlooked4 ,the polished gentleman of sentimental fiction has so long served as the type of smooth and conscienceless depravity that urbanity of demeanor inspires distrust in ruder minds4 ,on the other hand1 the blunt1 unpolished hero of melodrama and romantic fiction has lifted brusqueness and pushfulness to a pedestal not wholly merited4 ,consequently1 the kinship between conduct that keeps us within the law and conduct that makes civilized life worthy to be called such1 deserves to be noted with emphasis4 ,the ,chinese sage1 ,confucius1 could not tolerate the suggestion that virtue is in itself enough without politeness1 for he viewed them as inseparable and saw courtesies as coming from the heart1 maintaining that when they are practised with all the heart1 a moral elevation ensues4 ,people who ridicule etiquette as a mass of trivial and arbitrary conventions1 extremely troublesome to those who practise them and insupportable to everybody else1 seem to forget the long1 slow progress of social intercourse in the upward climb of man from the primeval state4 ,conventions were established from the first to regulate the rights of the individual and the tribe4 ,they were and are the rules of the game of life and must be followed if we would play the game4 ,ages before man felt the need of indigestion remedies1 he ate his food solitary and furtive in some corner1 hoping he would not be espied by any stronger and hungrier fellow4 ,it was a long1 long time before the habit of eating in common was acquired2 and it is obvious that the practise could not have been taken up with safety until the individuals of the race knew enough about one another and about the food resources to be sure that there was food sufficient for all4 ,when eating in common became the vogue1 table manners made their appearance and they have been waging an uphill struggle ever since4 ,the custom of raising the hat when meeting an acquaintance derives from the old rule that friendly knights in accosting each other should raise the visor for mutual recognition in amity4 ,in the knightly years1 it must be remembered1 it was important to know whether one was meeting friend or foe4 ,meeting a foe meant fighting on the spot4 ,thus1 it is evident that the conventions of courtesy not only tend to make the wheels of life run more smoothly1 but also act as safeguards in human relationship4 ,imagine the ,paris ,peace ,conference1 or any of the later conferences in ,europe1 without the protective armor of diplomatic etiquette6 ,nevertheless1 to some the very word etiquette is an irritant4 ,it implies a great pother about trifles1 these conscientious objectors assure us1 and trifles are unimportant4 ,trifles are unimportant1 it is true1 but then life is made up of trifles4 ,to those who dislike the word1 it suggests all that is finical and superfluous4 ,it means a garish embroidery on the big scheme of life2 a clog on the forward march of a strong and courageous nation4 ,to such as these1 the words etiquette and politeness connote weakness and timidity4 ,their notion of a really polite man is a dancing master or a man milliner4 ,they were always willing to admit that the ,french were the politest nation in ,europe and equally ready to assert that the ,french were the weakest and least valorous1 until the war opened their eyes in amazement4 ,yet1 that manners and fighting can go hand in hand appears in the following anecdote3 ,in the midst of the war1 some ,french soldiers and some non-,french of the ,allied forces were receiving their rations in a village back of the lines4 ,the non-,french fighters belonged to an ,army that supplied rations plentifully4 ,they grabbed their allotments and stood about while hastily eating1 uninterrupted by conversation or other concern4 ,the ,french soldiers took their very meager portions of food1 improvised a kind of table on the top of a flat rock1 and having laid out the rations1 including the small quantity of wine that formed part of the repast1 sat down in comfort and began their meal amid a chatter of talk4 ,one of the non-,french soldiers1 all of whom had finished their large supply of food before the ,french had begun eating1 asked sardonically3 ,why do you fellows make such a lot of fuss over the little bit of grub they give you to eat8 ,the ,frenchman replied3 ,well1 we are making war for civilization1 are we not8 ,very well1 we are4 ,therefore1 we eat in a civilized way4 ,to the ,french we owe the word etiquette1 and it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning--,keep off the grass4 ,it happened in the reign of ,louis ,,xiv1 when the gardens of ,versailles were being laid out1 that the master gardener1 an old ,scotsman1 was sorely tried because his newly seeded lawns were being continually trampled upon4 ,to keep trespassers off1 he put up warning signs or tickets--etiquettes--on which was indicated the path along which to pass4 ,but the courtiers paid no attention to these directions and so the determined ,scot complained to the ,king in such convincing manner that ,his ,majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at ,court to keep within the etiquettes4 ,gradually the term came to cover all the rules for correct demeanor and deportment in court circles2 and thus through the centuries it has grown into use to describe the conventions sanctioned for the purpose of smoothing personal contacts and developing tact and good manners in social intercourse4 ,with the decline of feudal courts and the rise of empires of industry1 much of the ceremony of life was discarded for plain and less formal dealing4 ,trousers and coats supplanted doublets and hose1 and the change in costume was not more extreme than the change in social ideas4 ,the court ceased to be the arbiter of manners1 though the aristocracy of the land remained the high exemplar of good breeding4 ,yet1 even so courtly and materialistic a mind as ,lord ,chesterfield's acknowledged a connection between manners and morality1 of which latter the courts of ,europe seemed so sparing4 ,in one of the famous ,letters to ,his ,son he writes3 ,moral virtues are the foundation of society in general1 and of friendship in particular2 but attentions1 manners1 and graces1 both adorn and strengthen them4 ,again he says3 ,great merit1 or great failings1 will make you respected or despised2 but trifles1 little attentions1 mere nothings1 either done or reflected1 will make you either liked or disliked1 in the general run of the world4 ,for all the wisdom and brilliancy of his worldly knowledge1 perhaps no other writer has done so much to bring disrepute on the manners and graces as ,lord ,chesterfield1 and this1 it is charged1 because he debased them so heavily by considering them merely as the machinery of a successful career4 ,to the moralists1 the fact that the moral standards of society in ,lord ,chesterfield's day were very different from those of the present era rather adds to the odium that has become associated with his attitude4 ,his severest critics1 however1 do concede that he is candid and outspoken1 and many admit that his social strategy is widely practised even in these days4 ,but the aims of the world in which he moved were routed by the onrush of the ideals of democratic equality1 fraternity1 and liberty4 ,with the prosperity of the newer shibboleths1 the old-time notion of aristocracy1 gentility1 and high breeding became more and more a curio to be framed suitably in gold and kept in the glass case of an art museum4 ,the crashing advance of the industrial age of gold thrust all courts and their sinuous graces aside for the unmistakable ledger balance of the counting-house4 ,this new order of things had been a long time in process1 when1 in the first year of this century1 a distinguished ,english social historian1 the late ,the ,right ,honorable ,g4,w4,e4 ,russell1 wrote3 ,probably in all ages of history men have liked money1 but a hundred years ago they did not talk about it in society4444 ,birth1 breeding1 rank1 accomplishments1 eminence in literature1 eminence in art1 eminence in public service--all these things still count for something in society4 ,but when combined they are only as the dust of the balance when weighed against the all-prevalent power of money4 ,the worship of the ,golden ,calf is the characteristic cult of modern society4 ,in the ,elizabethan ,age of mighty glory1 three hundred years before this was said1 ,ben ,jonson had railed against money as a thin membrane of honor1 groaning3 ,how hath all true reputation fallen since money began to have any6 ,now the very fact that the debasing effect of money on the social organism has been so constantly reprehended1 from ,scriptural days onward1 proves the instinctive yearning of mankind for a system of life regulated by good taste1 high intelligence and sound affections4 ,but1 it remains true that1 in the succession of great commercial epochs1 coincident with the progress of modern science and invention1 almost everything can be bought and sold1 and so almost everything is rated by the standard of money4 ,yet1 this standard is precisely not the ultimate test of the ,christianity on which we have been pluming ourselves through the centuries4 ,still1 no one can get along without money2 and few of us get along very well with what we have4 ,at least we think so--because everybody else seems to think that way4 ,we ,americans are members of the nation which1 materially1 is the richest1 most prosperous and most promising in the world4 ,this idea is dinned into our heads continually by foreign observers1 and publicly we own the soft impeachment4 ,privately1 each individual ,american seems driven with the decision that he must live up to the general conception of the nation as a whole4 ,and he does1 but in less strenuous moments he might profitably ponder the counsel of ,gladstone to his countrymen3 ,let us respect the ancient manners and recollect that1 if the true soul of chivalry has died among us1 with it all that is good in society has died4 ,let us cherish a sober mind2 take for granted that in our best performances there are latent many errors which in their own time will come to light4 ,america1 too1 has her ancient manners to remember and respect2 but1 in the rapid assimilation of new peoples into her economic and social organism1 more pressing concerns take up nearly all her time4 ,the perfection of manners by intensive cultivation of good taste1 some believe1 would be the greatest aid possible to the moralists who are alarmed over the decadence of the younger generation4 ,good taste may not make men or women really virtuous1 but it will often save them from what theologians call occasions of sin4 ,we may note1 too1 that grossness in manners forms a large proportion of the offenses that fanatical reformers foam about4 ,besides grossness1 there is also the meaner selfishness4 ,selfishness is at the polar remove from the worldly manners of the old school1 according to which1 as ,dr4 ,pusey wrote1 others were preferred to self1 pain was given to no one1 no one was neglected1 deference was shown to the weak and the aged1 and unconscious courtesy extended to all inferiors4 ,such was the beauty of the old manners1 which he felt consisted in acting upon ,christian principle1 and if in any case it became soulless1 as apart from ,christianity1 the beautiful form was there1 into which the real life might re-enter4 ,as a study of all that is admirable in ,american manners1 and as a guide to behavior in the simplest as well as the most complex requirements of life day by day1 whether we are at home or away from it1 there can be no happier choice than the present volume4 ,it is conceived in the belief that etiquette in its broader sense means the technique of human conduct under all circumstances in life4 ,yet all minuti of correct manners are included and no detail is too small to be explained1 from the selection of a visiting card to the mystery of eating corn on the cob4 ,matters of clothes for men and women are treated with the same fullness of information and accuracy of taste as are questions of the furnishing of their houses and the training of their minds to social intercourse4 ,but there is no exaggeration of the minor details at the expense of the more important spirit of personal conduct and attitude of mind4 ,to dwell on formal trivialities1 the author holds1 is like measuring the letters of the sign-boards by the roadside instead of profiting by the directions they offer4 ,she would have us know also that it is not the people who make small technical mistakes or even blunders1 who are barred from the paths of good society1 but those of sham and pretense whose veneered vulgarity at every step tramples the flowers in the gardens of cultivation4 ,to her mind the structure of etiquette is comparable to that of a house1 of which the foundation is ethics and the rest good taste1 correct speech1 quiet1 unassuming behavior1 and a proper pride of dignity4 ,to such as entertain the mistaken notion that politeness implies all give and little or no return1 it is well to recall ,coleridge's definition of a gentleman3 ,we feel the gentlemanly character present with us1 he said1 whenever1 under all circumstances of social intercourse1 the trivial1 not less than the important1 through the whole detail of his manners and deportment1 and with the ease of a habit1 a person shows respect to others in such a way as at the same time implies1 in his own feelings1 and habitually1 an assured anticipation of reciprocal respect from them to himself4 ,in short1 the gentlemanly character arises out of the feeling of equality acting as a habit1 yet flexible to the varieties of rank1 and modified without being disturbed or superseded by them4 ,definitions of a gentleman are numerous1 and some of them famous2 but we do not find such copiousness for choice in definitions of a lady4 ,perhaps it has been understood all along that the admirable and just characteristics of a gentleman should of necessity be those also of a lady1 with the charm of womanhood combined4 ,and1 in these days1 with the added responsibility of the vote4 ,besides the significance of this volume as an indubitable authority on manners1 it should be pointed out that as a social document1 it is without precedent in ,american literature4 ,in order that we may better realize the behavior and environment of well-bred people1 the distinguished author has introduced actual persons and places in fictional guise4 ,they are the persons and the places of her own world2 and whether we can or can not penetrate the incognito of the ,worldlys1 the ,gildings1 the ,kindharts1 the ,oldnames1 and the others1 is of no importance4 ,fictionally1 they are real enough for us to be interested and instructed in their way of living4 ,that they happen to move in what is known as ,society is incidental1 for1 as the author declares at the very outset3 ,best ,society is not a fellowship of the wealthy1 nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth2 but it is an association of gentlefolk1 of which good form in speech1 charm of manner1 knowledge of the social amenities1 and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others1 are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members4 ,the immediate fact is that the characters of this book are thoroughbred ,americans1 representative of various sections of the country and free from the slightest tinge of snobbery4 ,not all of them are even well-to-do1 in the postwar sense2 and their devices of economy in household outlay1 dress and entertainment are a revelation in the science of ways and means4 ,there are parents1 children1 relatives and friends all passing before us in the pageant of life from the cradle to the grave4 ,no circumstance1 from an introduction to a wedding1 is overlooked in this panorama and the spectator has beside him a cicerone in the person of the author who clears every doubt and answers every question4 ,in course1 the conviction grows upon him that etiquette is no flummery of poseurs aping the manners of their betters1 nor a code of snobs1 who divide their time between licking the boots of those above them and kicking at those below1 but a system of rules of conduct based on respect of self coupled with respect of others4 ,meanwhile1 to guard against conceit in his new knowledge1 he may at odd moments recall ,ben ,jonson's lines3 ,nor stand so much on your gentility1 ,which is an airy1 and mere borrowed thing1 ,from dead men's dust1 and bones3 ,and none of yours ,except you make1 or hold it4 ,,etiquette ,,chapter ,i ,,what ,,is ,,best ,,society8 ,society is an ambiguous term2 it may mean much or nothing4 ,every human being--unless dwelling alone in a cave--is a member of society of one sort or another1 and therefore it is well to define what is to be understood by the term ,best ,society and why its authority is recognized4 ,best ,society abroad is always the oldest aristocracy2 composed not so much of persons of title1 which may be new1 as of those families and communities which have for the longest period of time known highest cultivation4 ,our own ,best ,society is represented by social groups which have had1 since this is ,america1 widest rather than longest association with old world cultivation4 ,cultivation is always the basic attribute of ,best ,society1 much as we hear in this country of an ,aristocracy of wealth4 ,to the general public a long purse is synonymous with high position--a theory dear to the heart of the yellow press and eagerly fostered in the preposterous social functions of screen drama4 ,it is true that ,best ,society is comparatively rich2 it is true that the hostess of great wealth1 who constantly and lavishly entertains1 will shine1 at least to the readers of the press1 more brilliantly than her less affluent sister4 ,yet the latter1 through her quality of birth1 her poise1 her inimitable distinction1 is often the jewel of deeper water in the social crown of her time4 ,the most advertised commodity is not always intrinsically the best1 but is sometimes merely the product of a company with plenty of money to spend on advertising4 ,in the same way1 money brings certain people before the public--sometimes they are persons of quality1 quite as often the so-called society leaders featured in the public press do not belong to good society at all1 in spite of their many published photographs and the energies of their press-agents4 ,or possibly they do belong to smart society2 but if too much advertised1 instead of being the queens they seem1 they might more accurately be classified as the court jesters of to-day4 ,,the ,,imitation ,,and ,,the ,,genuine ,new ,york1 more than any city in the world1 unless it be ,paris1 loves to be amused1 thrilled and surprised all at the same time2 and will accept with outstretched hand any one who can perform this astounding feat4 ,do not underestimate the ability that can achieve it3 a scintillating wit1 an arresting originality1 a talent for entertaining that amounts to genius1 and gold poured literally like rain1 are the least requirements4 ,puritan ,america on the other hand demanding1 as a ticket of admission to her ,best ,society1 the qualifications of birth1 manners and cultivation1 clasps her hands tight across her slim trim waist and announces severely that ,new ,york's ,best is1 in her opinion1 very bad indeed4 ,but this is because ,puritan ,america1 as well as the general public1 mistakes the jester for the queen4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,best ,society is not at all like a court with an especial queen or king1 nor is it confined to any one place or group1 but might better be described as an unlimited brotherhood which spreads over the entire surface of the globe1 the members of which are invariably people of cultivation and worldly knowledge1 who have not only perfect manners but a perfect manner4 ,manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them2 manner is personality--the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life4 ,a gentleman1 for instance1 will never be ostentatious or overbearing any more than he will ever be servile1 because these attributes never animate the impulses of a well-bred person4 ,a man whose manners suggest the grotesque is invariably a person of imitation rather than of real position4 ,etiquette must1 if it is to be of more than trifling use1 include ethics as well as manners4 ,certainly what one is1 is of far greater importance than what one appears to be4 ,a knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one's decent behavior1 just as clothing is essential to one's decent appearance2 and precisely as one wears the latter without being self-conscious of having on shoes and perhaps gloves1 one who has good manners is equally unself-conscious in the observance of etiquette1 the precepts of which must be so thoroughly absorbed as to make their observance a matter of instinct rather than of conscious obedience4 ,thus ,best ,society is not a fellowship of the wealthy1 nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth2 but it is an association of gentle-folk1 of which good form in speech1 charm of manner1 knowledge of the social amenities1 and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others1 are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,introductions ,,the ,,correct ,,form ,the word present is preferable on formal occasions to the word introduce4 ,on informal occasions neither word is expressed1 though understood1 as will be shown below4 ,the correct formal introduction is3 ,mrs4 ,jones1 may ,i present ,mr4 ,smith8 or1 ,mr4 ,distinguished1 may ,i present ,mr4 ,young8 ,the younger person is always presented to the older or more distinguished1 but a gentleman is always presented to a lady1 even though he is an old gentleman of great distinction and the lady a mere slip of a girl4 ,no lady is ever1 except to the ,president of the ,united ,states1 a cardinal1 or a reigning sovereign1 presented to a man4 ,the correct introduction of either a man or woman3 ,to the ,president1 is1 ,mr4 ,president1 ,i have the honor to present ,mrs4 ,jones1 of ,chicago4 ,to a ,cardinal1 is1 ,your ,eminence1 may ,i present ,mrs4 ,jones8 ,to a ,king3 ,much formality of presenting names on lists is gone through beforehand2 at the actual presentation an accepted name is repeated from functionary to equerry and nothing is said to the ,king or ,queen except3 ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,but a ,foreign ,ambassador is presented1 ,mr4 ,ambassador1 may ,i present you to ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,very few people in polite society are introduced by their formal titles4 ,a hostess says1 ,mrs4 ,jones1 may ,i present the ,duke of ,overthere8 or ,lord ,blank82 never his ,grace or his ,lordship4 ,the ,honorable is merely ,mr4 ,lordson1 or ,mr4 ,holdoffice4 ,a doctor1 a judge1 a bishop1 are addressed and introduced by their titles4 ,the clergy are usually ,mister unless they formally hold the title of ,doctor1 or ,dean1 or ,canon4 ,a ,catholic priest is ,father ,kelly4 ,a senator is always introduced as ,senator1 whether he is still in office or not4 ,but the ,president of the ,united ,states1 once he is out of office1 is merely ,mr4 and not ,ex-president4 ,,the ,,prevailing ,,introduction ,,and ,,inflection ,in the briefer form of introduction commonly used1 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,mrs4 ,norman1 if the two names are said in the same tone of voice it is not apparent who is introduced to whom2 but by accentuating the more important person's name1 it can be made as clear as though the words ,may ,i present had been used4 ,the more important name is said with a slightly rising inflection1 the secondary as a mere statement of fact4 ,for instance1 suppose you say1 ,are you there8 and then ,it is raining6 ,use the same inflection exactly and say1 ,mrs4 ,worldly8--,mrs4 ,younger6 ,are you there8--,it is raining6 ,mrs4 ,worldly8--,mrs4 ,younger6 ,the unmarried lady is presented to the married one1 unless the latter is very much the younger4 ,as a matter of fact1 in introducing two ladies to each other or one gentleman to another1 no distinction is made4 ,mrs4 ,smith2 ,mrs4 ,norman4 ,mr4 ,brown2 ,mr4 ,green4 ,the inflection is3 ,i think--it's going to rain6 ,mrs4 ,smith--,mrs4 ,norman6 ,a man is also often introduced1 ,mrs4 ,worldly8 ,mr4 ,norman6 ,but to a very distinguished man1 a mother would say3 ,mr4 ,edison--,my daughter1 ,mary6 ,to a young man1 however1 she should say1 ,mr4 ,struthers1 have you met my daughter8 ,if the daughter is married1 she should have added1 ,my daughter1 ,mrs4 ,smartlington4 ,the daughter's name is omitted because it is extremely bad taste 7except in the ,south7 to call her daughter ,miss ,mary to any one but a servant1 and on the other hand she should not present a young man to ,mary4 ,the young man can easily find out her name afterward4 ,,other ,,forms ,,of ,,introduction ,other permissible forms of introduction are3 ,mrs4 ,jones1 do you know ,mrs4 ,norman8 or1 ,mrs4 ,jones1 you know ,mrs4 ,robinson1 don't you8 7on no account say ,do you not8 ,best ,society always says don't you87 or1 ,mrs4 ,robinson1 have you met ,mrs4 ,jones8 or1 ,mrs4 ,jones1 do you know my mother8 or1 ,this is my daughter ,ellen1 ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,these are all good form1 whether gentlemen are introduced to ladies1 ladies to ladies1 or gentlemen to gentlemen4 ,in introducing a gentleman to a lady1 you may ask ,mr4 ,smith if he has met ,mrs4 ,jones1 but you must not ask ,mrs4 ,jones if she has met ,mr4 ,smith6 ,,forms ,,of ,,introductions ,,to ,,avoid ,do not say3 ,mr4 ,jones1 shake hands with ,mr4 ,smith1 or ,mrs4 ,jones1 ,i want to make you acquainted with ,mrs4 ,smith4 ,never say3 make you acquainted with and do not1 in introducing one person to another1 call one of them my friend4 ,you can say my aunt1 or my sister1 or my cousin--but to pick out a particular person as my friend is not only bad style but1 unless you have only one friend1 bad manners--as it implies ,mrs4 ,smith is my friend and you are a stranger4 ,you may very properly say to ,mr4 ,smith ,i want you to meet ,mrs4 ,jones1 but this is not a form of introduction1 nor is it to be said in ,mrs4 ,jones' hearing4 ,upon leading ,mr4 ,smith up to ,mrs4 ,jones1 you say ,mrs4 ,jones may ,i present ,mr4 ,smith or ,mrs4 ,jones2 ,mr4 ,smith4 ,under no circumstances whatsoever say ,mr4 ,smith meet ,mrs4 ,jones1 or ,mrs4 ,jones meet ,mr4 ,smith4 ,either wording is equally preposterous4 ,do not repeat ,mrs4 ,jones8 ,mrs4 ,smith6 ,mrs4 ,smith8 ,mrs4 ,jones6 ,to say each name once is quite enough4 ,most people of good taste very much dislike being asked their names4 ,to say ,what is your name8 is always abrupt and unflattering4 ,if you want to know with whom you have been talking1 you can generally find a third person later and ask ,who was the lady with the grey feather in her hat8 ,the next time you see her you can say ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ---- 7calling her by name74 ,,when ,,to ,,shake ,,hands ,when gentlemen are introduced to each other they always shake hands4 ,when a gentleman is introduced to a lady1 she sometimes puts out her hand--especially if he is some one she has long heard about from friends in common1 but to an entire stranger she generally merely bows her head slightly and says3 ,how do you do6 ,strictly speaking1 it is always her place to offer her hand or not as she chooses1 but if he puts out his hand1 it is rude on her part to ignore it4 ,nothing could be more ill-bred than to treat curtly any overture made in spontaneous friendliness4 ,no thoroughbred lady would ever refuse to shake any hand that is honorable1 not even the hand of a coal heaver at the risk of her fresh white glove4 ,those who have been drawn into a conversation do not usually shake hands on parting4 ,but there is no fixed rule4 ,a lady sometimes shakes hands after talking with a casual stranger2 at other times she does not offer her hand on parting from one who has been punctiliously presented to her4 ,she may find the former sympathetic and the latter very much the contrary4 ,very few rules of etiquette are inelastic and none more so than the acceptance or rejection of the strangers you meet4 ,there is a wide distance between rudeness and reserve4 ,you can be courteously polite and at the same time extremely aloof to a stranger who does not appeal to you1 or you can be welcomingly friendly to another whom you like on sight4 ,individual temperament has also to be taken into consideration3 one person is naturally austere1 another genial4 ,the latter shakes hands far more often than the former4 ,as already said1 it is unforgivably rude to refuse a proffered hand1 but it is rarely necessary to offer your hand if you prefer not to4 ,,what ,,to ,,say ,,when ,,introduced ,best ,society has only one phrase in acknowledgment of an introduction3 ,how do you do8 ,it literally accepts no other4 ,when ,mr4 ,bachelor says1 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 may ,i present ,mr4 ,struthers8 ,mrs4 ,worldly says1 ,how do you do8 ,struthers bows1 and says nothing4 ,to sweetly echo ,mr4 ,struthers8 with a rising inflection on --thers8 is not good form4 ,saccharine chirpings should be classed with crooked little fingers1 high hand-shaking and other affectations4 ,all affectations are bad form4 ,persons of position do not say3 ,charmed1 or ,pleased to meet you1 etc41 but often the first remark is the beginning of a conversation4 ,for instance1 ,young ,struthers is presented to ,mrs4 ,worldly4 ,she smiles and perhaps says1 ,i hear that you are going to be in ,new ,york all winter8 ,struthers answers1 ,yes1 ,i am at the ,columbia ,law ,school1 etc41 or since he is much younger than she1 he might answer1 ,yes1 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 especially if his answer would otherwise be a curt yes or no4 ,otherwise he does not continue repeating her name4 ,,taking ,,leave ,,of ,,one ,,you ,,have ,,just ,,met ,after an introduction1 when you have talked for some time to a stranger whom you have found agreeable1 and you then take leave1 you say1 ,good-by1 ,i am very glad to have met you1 or ,good-by1 ,i hope ,i shall see you again soon--or some time4 ,the other person answers1 ,thank you1 or perhaps adds1 ,i hope so1 too4 ,usually ,thank you is all that is necessary4 ,in taking leave of a group of strangers--it makes no difference whether you have been introduced to them or merely included in their conversation--you bow good-by to any who happen to be looking at you1 but you do not attempt to attract the attention of those who are unaware that you are turning away4 ,,introducing ,,one ,,person ,,to ,a ,,group ,this is never done on formal occasions when a great many persons are present4 ,at a small luncheon1 for instance1 a hostess always introduces her guests to one another4 ,let us suppose you are the hostess3 your position is not necessarily near1 but it is toward the door4 ,mrs4 ,king is sitting quite close to you1 ,mrs4 ,lawrence also near4 ,miss ,robinson and ,miss ,brown are much farther away4 ,mrs4 ,jones enters4 ,you go a few steps forward and shake hands with her1 then stand aside as it were1 for a second only1 to see if ,mrs4 ,jones goes to speak to any one4 ,if she apparently knows no one1 you say1 ,mrs4 ,king1 do you know ,mrs4 ,jones8 ,mrs4 ,king being close at hand 7usually but not necessarily7 rises1 shakes hands with ,mrs4 ,jones and sits down again4 ,if ,mrs4 ,king is an elderly lady1 and ,mrs4 ,jones a young one1 ,mrs4 ,king merely extends her hand and does not rise4 ,having said ,mrs4 ,jones once1 you do not repeat it immediately1 but turning to the other lady sitting near you1 you say1 ,mrs4 ,lawrence1 then you look across the room and continue1 ,miss ,robinson1 ,miss ,brown--,mrs4 ,jones6 ,mrs4 ,lawrence1 if she is young1 rises and shakes hands with ,mrs4 ,jones1 and the other two bow but do not rise4 ,at a very big luncheon you would introduce ,mrs4 ,jones to ,mrs4 ,king and possibly to ,mrs4 ,lawrence1 so that ,mrs4 ,jones might have some one to talk to4 ,but if other guests come in at this moment1 ,mrs4 ,jones finds a place for herself and after a pause1 falls naturally into conversation with those she is next to1 without giving her name or asking theirs4 ,a friend's roof is supposed to be an introduction to those it shelters4 ,in ,best ,society this is always recognized if the gathering is intimate1 such as at a luncheon1 dinner or house party2 but it is not accepted at a ball or reception1 or any general entertainment4 ,people always talk to their neighbors at table whether introduced or not4 ,it would be a breach of etiquette not to6 ,but if ,mrs4 ,jones and ,mrs4 ,norman merely spoke to each other for a few moments1 in the drawing-room1 it is not necessary that they recognize each other afterwards4 ,,new ,,york',s ,,bad ,,manners ,new ,york's bad manners are often condemned and often very deservedly4 ,even though the cause is carelessness rather than intentional indifference1 the indifference is no less actual and the rudeness inexcusable4 ,it is by no means unheard of that after sitting at table next to the guest of honor1 a ,new ,yorker will meet her the next day with utter unrecognition4 ,not because the ,new ,yorker means to cut the stranger or feels the slightest unwillingness to continue the acquaintance1 but because few ,new ,yorkers possess enthusiasm enough to make an effort to remember all the new faces they come in contact with1 but allow all those who are not especially fixed in their attention1 to drift easily out of mind and recognition4 ,it is mortifyingly true2 no one is so ignorantly indifferent to everything outside his or her own personal concern as the socially fashionable ,new ,yorker1 unless it is the ,londoner6 ,the late ,theodore ,roosevelt was a brilliantly shining exception4 ,and1 of course1 and happily1 there are other men and women like him in this4 ,but there are also enough of the snail-in-shell variety to give color to the very just resentment that those from other and more gracious cities hold against ,new ,yorkers4 ,everywhere else in the world 7except ,london71 the impulse of self-cultivation1 if not the more generous ones of consideration and hospitality1 induces people of good breeding to try and make the effort to find out what manner of mind1 or experience1 or talent1 a stranger has2 and to remember1 at least out of courtesy1 anyone for whose benefit a friend of theirs gave a dinner or luncheon4 ,to fashionable ,new ,york1 however1 luncheon was at one-thirty2 at three there is something else occupying the moment--that is all4 ,nearly all people of the ,atlantic ,coast dislike general introductions1 and present people to each other as little as possible4 ,in the ,west1 however1 people do not feel comfortable in a room full of strangers4 ,whether or not to introduce people therefore becomes not merely a question of propriety1 but of consideration for local custom4 ,,never ,,introduce ,,unnecessarily ,the question as to when introductions should be made1 or not made1 is one of the most elusive points in the entire range of social knowledge4 ,whenever necessary to bridge an awkward situation1 is a definition that is exact enough1 but not very helpful or clear4 ,the hostess who allows a guest to stand1 awkward and unknown1 in the middle of her drawing-room is no worse than she who pounces on every chance acquaintance and drags unwilling victims into forced recognition of each other1 everywhere and on all occasions4 ,the fundamental rule never to introduce unnecessarily brings up the question3 ,,which ,,are ,,the ,,necessary ,,occasions8 ,first1 in order of importance1 is the presentation of everyone to guests of honor1 whether the guests are distinguished strangers for whom a dinner is given1 or a bride and groom1 or a dbutante being introduced to society4 ,it is the height of rudeness for anyone to go to an entertainment given in honor of some one and fail to meet him4 7,even though one's memory is too feeble to remember him afterward67 ,,introductions ,,at ,a ,,dinner ,the host must always see that every gentleman either knows or is presented to the lady he is to take in to dinner1 and also1 if possible1 to the one who is to sit at the other side of him4 ,if the latter introduction is overlooked1 people sitting next each other at table nearly always introduce themselves4 ,a gentleman says1 ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,i am ,arthur ,robinson4 ,or showing her his place card1 ,i have to introduce myself1 this is my name4 ,or the lady says first1 ,i am ,mrs4 ,hunter ,jones4 ,and the man answers1 ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,jones1 my name is ,titherington ,smith4 ,it is not unusual1 in ,new ,york1 for those placed next each other to talk without introducing themselves--particularly if each can read the name of the other on the place cards4 ,,other ,,necessary ,,introductions ,even in ,new ,york's most introductionless circles1 people always introduce3 ,a small group of people who are to sit together anywhere4 ,partners at dinner4 ,the guests at a house party4 ,everyone at a small dinner or luncheon4 ,the four who are at the same bridge table4 ,partners or fellow-players in any game4 ,at a dance1 when an invitation has been asked for a stranger1 the friend who vouched for him should personally present him to the hostess4 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 this is ,mr4 ,robinson1 whom you said ,i might bring4 ,the hostess shakes hands and smiles and says3 ,i am very glad to see you1 ,mr4 ,robinson4 ,a guest in a box at the opera always introduces any gentleman who comes to speak to her1 to her hostess1 unless the latter is engrossed in conversation with a visitor of her own1 or unless other people block the distance between so that an introduction would be forced and awkward4 ,a newly arriving visitor in a lady's drawing-room is not introduced to another who is taking leave4 ,nor is an animated conversation between two persons interrupted to introduce a third4 ,nor is any one ever led around a room and introduced right and left4 ,if two ladies or young girls are walking together and they meet a third who stops to speak to one of them1 the other walks slowly on and does not stand awkwardly by and wait for an introduction4 ,if the third is asked by the one she knows1 to join them1 the sauntering friend is overtaken and an introduction always made4 ,the third1 however1 must not join them unless invited to do so4 ,at a very large dinner1 people 7excepting the gentlemen and ladies who are to sit next to each other at table7 are not collectively introduced4 ,after dinner1 men in the smoking room or left at table always talk to their neighbors whether they have been introduced or not1 and ladies in the drawing-room do the same4 ,but unless they meet soon again1 or have found each other so agreeable that they make an effort to continue the acquaintance1 they become strangers again1 equally whether they were introduced or not4 ,some writers on etiquette speak of correct introductions that carry obligations of future acquaintance1 and incorrect introductions1 that seemingly obligate one to nothing4 ,degrees of introduction are utterly unknown to best society4 ,it makes not the slightest difference so far as any one's acceptance or rejection of another is concerned how an introduction is worded or1 on occasions1 whether an introduction takes place at all4 ,fashionable people in very large cities take introductions lightly2 they are veritable ships that pass in the night4 ,they show their red or green signals--which are merely polite sentences and pleasant manners--and they pass on again4 ,when you are introduced to some one for the second time and the first occasion was without interest and long ago1 there is no reason why you should speak of the former meeting4 ,if some one presents you to ,mrs4 ,smith for the second time on the same occasion1 you smile and say ,i have already met ,mrs4 ,smith1 but you say nothing if you met ,mrs4 ,smith long ago and she showed no interest in you at that time4 ,most rules are elastic and contract and expand according to circumstances4 ,you do not remind ,mrs4 ,smith of having met her before1 but on meeting again any one who was brought to your own house1 or one who showed you an especial courtesy you instinctively say1 ,i am so glad to see you again4 ,,including ,,someone ,,in ,,conversation ,,without ,,an ,,introduction ,on occasions it happens that in talking to one person you want to include another in your conversation without making an introduction4 ,for instance3 suppose you are talking to a seedsman and a friend joins you in your garden4 ,you greet your friend1 and then include her by saying1 ,mr4 ,smith is suggesting that ,i dig up these cannas and put in delphiniums4 ,whether your friend gives an opinion as to the change in color of your flower bed or not1 she has been made part of your conversation4 ,this same maneuver of evading an introduction is also resorted to when you are not sure that an acquaintance will be agreeable to one or both of those whom an accidental circumstance has brought together4 ,,introductions ,,unnecessary ,you must never introduce people to each other in public places unless you are certain beyond a doubt that the introduction will be agreeable to both4 ,you cannot commit a greater social blunder than to introduce1 to a person of position1 some one she does not care to know1 especially on shipboard1 in hotels1 or in other very small1 rather public1 communities where people are so closely thrown together that it is correspondingly difficult to avoid undesirable acquaintances who have been given the wedge of an introduction4 ,as said above1 introductions in very large cities are unimportant4 ,in ,new ,york1 where people are meeting new faces daily1 seldom seeing the same one twice in a year1 it requires a tenacious memory to recognize those one hoped most to see again1 and others are blotted out at once4 ,people in good society rarely ask to be introduced to each other1 but if there is a good reason for knowing some one1 they often introduce themselves2 for instance1 ,mary ,smith says3 ,mrs4 ,jones1 aren't you a friend of my mother's8 ,i am ,mrs4 ,titherington ,smith's daughter4 ,mrs4 ,jones says3 ,why1 my dear child1 ,i am so glad you spoke to me4 ,your mother and ,i have known each other since we were children6 ,or1 an elder lady asks3 ,aren't you ,mary ,smith8 ,i have known your mother since she was your age4 ,or a young woman says3 ,aren't you ,mrs4 ,worldly8 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 looking rather freezingly1 politely says ,yes and waits4 ,and the stranger continues1 ,i think my sister ,millicent ,manners is a friend of yours4 ,mrs4 ,worldly at once unbends4 ,oh1 yes1 indeed1 ,i am devoted to ,millicent6 ,and you must be ----8 ,i'm ,alice4 ,oh1 of course1 ,millicent has often talked of you1 and of your lovely voice4 ,i want very much to hear you sing some time4 ,these self-introductions1 however1 must never presumingly be made4 ,it would be in very bad taste for ,alice to introduce herself to ,mrs4 ,worldly if her sister knew her only slightly4 ,a ,,business ,,visit ,,not ,,an ,,introduction ,a lady who goes to see another to get a reference for a servant1 or to ask her aid in an organization for charity1 would never consider such a meeting as an introduction1 even though they talked for an hour4 ,nor would she offer to shake hands in leaving4 ,on the other hand1 neighbors who are continually meeting1 gradually become accustomed to say ,how do you do8 when they meet1 even though they never become acquaintances4 ,,the ,,retort ,,courteous ,,to ,,one ,,you ,,have ,,forgotten ,let us suppose some one addresses you1 and then slightly disconcerted says3 ,you don't remember me1 do you8 ,the polite thing--unless his manner does not ring true1 is to say ,why1 of course1 ,i do4 ,and then if a few neutral remarks lead to no enlightening topic1 and bring no further memory1 you ask at the first opportunity who it was that addressed you4 ,if the person should prove actually to be unknown1 it is very easy to repel any further advances4 ,but nearly always you find it is some one you ought to have known1 and your hiding the fact of your forgetfulness saves you from the rather rude and stupid situation of blankly declaring3 ,i don't remember you4 ,if1 after being introduced to you1 ,mr4 ,jones calls you by a wrong name1 you let it pass1 at first1 but if he persists you may say3 ,my name is ,simpson1 not ,simpkin4 ,at a private dance1 young men nowadays introduce their men friends to young women without first asking the latter's permission1 because all those invited to a lady's house are supposed to be eligible for presentation to everyone1 or they would not be there4 ,at a public ball young men and women keep very much to their own particular small circle and are not apt to meet outsiders at all4 ,under these circumstances a gentleman should be very careful not to introduce a youth whom he knows nothing about to a lady of his acquaintance--or at least he should ask her first4 ,he can say frankly3 ,there is a man called ,sliders who has asked to meet you4 ,i don't know who he is1 but he seems decent4 ,shall ,i introduce him8 ,the lady can say ,yes2 or1 ,i'd rather not4 ,,introduction ,,by ,,letter ,an introduction by letter is far more binding than a casual spoken introduction which commits you to nothing4 ,this is explained fully and example letters are given in the chapter on ,letters4 ,a letter of introduction is handed you unsealed1 always4 ,it is correct for you to seal it at once in the presence of its author4 ,you thank your friend for having written it and go on your journey4 ,if you are a man and your introduction is to a lady1 you go to her house as soon as you arrive in her city1 and leave the letter with your card at her door4 ,usually you do not ask to see her2 but if it is between four and six o'clock it is quite correct to do so if you choose4 ,presenting yourself with a letter is always a little awkward4 ,most people prefer to leave their cards without asking to be received4 ,if your letter is to a man1 you mail it to his house1 unless the letter is a business one4 ,in the latter case you go to his office1 and send in your card and the letter4 ,meanwhile you wait in the reception room until he has read the letter and sends for you to come into his private office4 ,if you are a woman1 you mail your letter of social introduction and do nothing further until you receive an acknowledgment4 ,if the recipient of your letter leaves her card on you1 you in return leave yours on her4 ,but the obligation of a written introduction is such that only illness can excuse her not asking you to her house--either formally or informally4 ,when a man receives a letter introducing another man1 he calls the person introduced on the telephone and asks how he may be of service to him4 ,if he does not invite the newcomer to his house1 he may put him up at his club1 or have him take luncheon or dinner at a restaurant1 as the circumstances seem to warrant4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,greetings ,,what ,,to ,,say ,,when ,,introduced ,as explained in the foregoing chapter1 the correct formal greeting is3 ,how do you do8 ,if ,mrs4 ,younger is presented to ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,mrs4 ,worldly says ,how do you do8 ,if the ,ambassador of ,france is presented to her1 she says ,how do you do8 ,mrs4 ,younger and the ,ambassador likewise say ,how do you do8 or merely bow4 ,there are a few expressions possible under other circumstances and upon other occasions4 ,if you have1 through friends in common1 long heard of a certain lady1 or gentleman1 and you know that she1 or he1 also has heard much of you1 you may say when you are introduced to her3 ,i am very glad to meet you1 or ,i am delighted to meet you at last6 ,do not use the expression pleased to meet you then or on any occasion4 ,and you must not say you are delighted unless you have reason to be sure that she also is delighted to meet you4 ,to one who has volunteered to help you in charitable work for instance1 you would say3 ,it is very good of you to help us1 or1 to join us4 ,in business a gentleman says3 ,very glad to meet you1 or ,delighted to meet you4 ,or1 if in his own office3 ,very glad to see you6 ,,informal ,,greetings ,informal greetings are almost as limited as formal1 but not quite2 for besides saying ,how do you do8 you can say ,good morning and on occasions ,how are you8 or ,good evening4 ,on very informal occasions1 it is the present fashion to greet an intimate friend with ,hello6 ,this seemingly vulgar salutation is made acceptable by the tone in which it is said4 ,to shout ,hullow6 is vulgar1 but ,hello1 ,mary or ,how 'do ,john1 each spoken in an ordinary tone of voice1 sound much the same4 ,but remember that the ,hello is spoken1 not called out1 and never used except between intimate friends who call each other by the first name4 ,there are only two forms of farewell3 ,good-by and ,good night4 ,never say ,au revoir unless you have been talking ,french1 or are speaking to a ,french person4 ,never interlard your conversation with foreign words or phrases when you can possibly translate them into ,english2 and the occasions when our mother tongue will not serve are extremely rare4 ,very often in place of the over-worn ,how do you do1 perhaps more often than not1 people skip the words of actual greeting and plunge instead into conversation3 ,why1 ,mary6 ,when did you get back8 or ,what is the news with you8 or ,what have you been doing lately8 ,the weather1 too1 fills in with equal faithfulness4 ,isn't it a heavenly day6 or ,horrid weather1 isn't it8 ,it would seem that the variability of the weather was purposely devised to furnish mankind with unfailing material for conversation4 ,in bidding good-by to a new acquaintance with whom you have been talking1 you shake hands and say1 ,good-by4 ,i am very glad to have met you4 ,to one who has been especially interesting1 or who is somewhat of a personage you say3 ,it has been a great pleasure to meet you4 ,the other answers3 ,thank you4 ,,in ,,church ,people do not greet each other in church1 except at a wedding4 ,at weddings people do speak to friends sitting near them1 but in a low tone of voice4 ,it would be shocking to enter a church and hear a babel of voices6 ,ordinarily in church if a friend happens to catch your eye1 you smile1 but never actually bow4 ,if you go to a church not your own and a stranger offers you a seat in her pew1 you should1 on leaving1 turn to her and say3 ,thank you4 ,but you do not greet anyone until you are out on the church steps1 when you naturally speak to your friends4 ,hello should not be said on this occasion because it is too familiar for the solemnity of church surroundings4 ,,shaking ,,hands ,gentlemen always shake hands when they are introduced to each other4 ,ladies rarely do so with gentlemen who are introduced to them2 but they usually shake hands with other ladies1 if they are standing near together4 ,all people who know each other1 unless merely passing by1 shake hands when they meet4 ,a gentleman on the street never shakes hands with a lady without first removing his right glove4 ,but at the opera1 or at a ball1 or if he is usher at a wedding1 he keeps his glove on4 ,,personality ,,of ,a ,,handshake ,a handshake often creates a feeling of liking or of irritation between two strangers4 ,who does not dislike a boneless hand extended as though it were a spray of sea-weed1 or a miniature boiled pudding8 ,it is equally annoying to have one's hand clutched aloft in grotesque affectation and shaken violently sideways1 as though it were being used to clean a spot out of the atmosphere4 ,what woman does not wince at the viselike grasp that cuts her rings into her flesh and temporarily paralyzes every finger8 ,the proper handshake is made briefly2 but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp1 and1 as in bowing1 one should at the same time look into the countenance of the person whose hand one takes4 ,in giving her hand to a foreigner1 a married woman always relaxes her arm and fingers1 as it is customary for him to lift her hand to his lips4 ,but by a relaxed hand is not meant a wet rag2 a hand should have life even though it be passive4 ,a woman should always allow a man who is only an acquaintance to shake her hand2 she should never shake his4 ,to a very old friend she gives a much firmer clasp1 but he shakes her hand more than she shakes his4 ,younger women usually shake the hand of the older2 or they both merely clasp hands1 give them a dropping movement rather than a shake1 and let go4 ,,polite ,,greetings ,,from ,,younger ,,to ,,older ,it is the height of rudeness for young people not to go and shake hands with an older lady of their acquaintance when they meet her away from home1 if she is a hostess to whose house they have often gone4 ,it is not at all necessary for either young women or young men to linger and enter into a conversation1 unless the older lady detains them1 which she should not do beyond the briefest minute4 ,older ladies who are always dragging young men up to unprepossessing partners1 are studiously avoided and with reason2 but otherwise it is inexcusable for any youth to fail in this small exaction of polite behavior4 ,if a young man is talking with some one when an older lady enters the room1 he bows formally from where he is1 as it would be rude to leave a young girl standing alone while he went up to speak to ,mrs4 ,worldly or ,mrs4 ,toplofty4 ,but a young girl passing near an older lady can easily stop for a moment1 say ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,jones6 and pass on4 ,people do not cross a room to speak to any one unless--to show politeness to an acquaintance who is a stranger there2 to speak to an intimate friend2 or to talk to some one about something in particular4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,salutations ,,of ,,courtesy ,,when ,a ,,gentleman ,,takes ,,off ,,his ,,hat ,a gentleman takes off his hat and holds it in his hand when a lady enters the elevator in which he is a passenger1 but he puts it on again in the corridor4 ,a public corridor is like the street1 but an elevator is suggestive of a room1 and a gentleman does not keep his hat on in the presence of ladies in a house4 ,this is the rule in elevators in hotels1 clubs and apartments4 ,in office buildings and stores the elevator is considered as public a place as the corridor4 ,what is more1 the elevators in such business structures are usually so crowded that the only room for a man's hat is on his head4 ,but even under these conditions a gentleman can reveal his innate respect for women by not permitting himself to be crowded too near to them4 ,when a gentleman stops to speak to a lady of his acquaintance in the street1 he takes his hat off with his left hand1 leaving his right free to shake hands1 or he takes it off with his right and transfers it to his left4 ,if he has a stick1 he puts his stick in his left hand1 takes off his hat with his right1 transfers his hat also to his left hand1 and gives her his right4 ,if they walk ahead together1 he at once puts his hat on2 but while he is standing in the street talking to her1 he should remain hatless4 ,there is no rudeness greater than for him to stand talking to a lady with his hat on1 and a cigar or cigarette in his mouth4 ,a gentleman always rises when a lady comes into a room4 ,in public places men do not jump up for every strange woman who happens to approach4 ,but if any woman addresses a remark to him1 a gentleman at once rises to his feet as he answers her4 ,in a restaurant1 when a lady bows to him1 a gentleman merely makes the gesture of rising by getting up half way from his chair and at the same time bowing4 ,then he sits down again4 ,when a lady goes to a gentleman's office on business he should stand up to receive her1 offer her a chair1 and not sit down until after she is seated4 ,when she rises to leave1 he must get up instantly and stand until she has left the office4 ,it is not necessary to add that every ,american citizen stands with his hat off at the passing of the colors and when the national anthem is played4 ,if he didn't1 some other more loyal citizen would take it off for him4 ,also every man should stand with his hat off in the presence of a funeral that passes close or blocks his way4 ,a ,,gentleman ,,lifts ,,his ,,hat ,lifting the hat is a conventional gesture of politeness shown to strangers only1 not to be confused with bowing1 which is a gesture used to acquaintances and friends4 ,in lifting his hat1 a gentleman merely lifts it slightly off his forehead and replaces it2 he does not smile nor bow1 nor even look at the object of his courtesy4 ,no gentleman ever subjects a lady to his scrutiny or his apparent observation4 ,if a lady drops her glove1 a gentleman should pick it up1 hurry ahead of her--on no account nudge her--offer the glove to her and say3 ,i think you dropped this6 ,the lady replies3 ,thank you4 ,the gentleman should then lift his hat and turn away4 ,if he passes a lady in a narrow space1 so that he blocks her way or in any manner obtrudes upon her1 he lifts his hat as he passes4 ,if he gets on a street car and the car gives a lurch just as he is about to be seated and throws him against another passenger1 he lifts his hat and says ,excuse me6 or ,i beg your pardon6 ,he must not say ,pardon me6 ,he must not take a seat if there are ladies standing4 ,but if he is sitting and ladies enter1 should they be young1 he may with perfect propriety keep his seat4 ,if a very old woman1 or a young one carrying a baby1 enters the car1 a gentleman rises at once1 lifts his hat slightly1 and says3 ,please take my seat4 ,he lifts his hat again when she thanks him4 ,if the car is very crowded when he wishes to leave it and a lady is directly in his way1 he asks3 ,may ,i get through1 please8 ,as she makes room for him to pass1 he lifts his hat and says3 ,thank you6 ,if he is in the company of a lady in a street car1 he lifts his hat to another gentleman who offers her a seat1 picks up something she has dropped1 or shows her any civility4 ,he lifts his hat if he asks anyone a question1 and always1 if1 when walking on the street with either a lady or a gentleman1 his companion bows to another person4 ,in other words1 a gentleman lifts his hat whenever he says ,excuse me1 ,thank you1 or speaks to a stranger1 or is spoken to by a lady1 or by an older gentleman4 ,and no gentleman ever keeps a pipe1 cigar or cigarette in his mouth when he lifts his hat1 takes it off1 or bows4 ,,the ,,bow ,,of ,,ceremony ,the standing bow1 made by a gentleman when he rises at a dinner to say a few words1 in response to applause1 or across a drawing-room at a formal dinner when he bows to a lady or an elderly gentleman1 is usually the outcome of the bow taught little boys at dancing school4 ,the instinct of clicking heels together and making a quick bend over from the hips and neck1 as though the human body had two hinges1 a big one at the hip and a slight one at the neck1 and was quite rigid in between1 remains in a modified form through life4 ,the man who as a child came habitually into his mother's drawing-room when there was company1 generally makes a charming bow when grown1 which is wholly lacking in self-consciousness4 ,there is no apparent heel-clicking but a camera would show that the motion is there4 ,in every form of bow1 as distinct from merely lifting his hat1 a gentleman looks at the person he is bowing to4 ,in a very formal standing bow1 his heels come together1 his knees are rigid and his expression is rather serious4 ,,the ,,informal ,,bow ,the informal bow is merely a modification of the above2 it is easy and unstudied1 but it should suggest the ease of controlled muscles1 not the floppiness of a rag doll4 ,in bowing on the street1 a gentleman should never take his hat off with a flourish1 nor should he sweep it down to his knee2 nor is it graceful to bow by pulling the hat over the face as though examining the lining4 ,the correct bow1 when wearing a high hat or derby1 is to lift it by holding the brim directly in front1 take it off merely high enough to escape the head easily1 bring it a few inches forward1 the back somewhat up1 the front down1 and put it on again4 ,to a very old lady or gentleman1 to show adequate respect1 a sweeping bow is sometimes made by a somewhat exaggerated circular motion downward to perhaps the level of the waist1 so that the hat's position is upside down4 ,if a man is wearing a soft hat he takes it by the crown instead of the brim1 lifts it slightly off his head and puts it on again4 ,the bow to a friend is made with a smile1 to a very intimate friend often with a broad grin that fits exactly with the word ,hello2 whereas the formal bow is mentally accompanied by the formal salutation3 ,how do you do6 ,,the ,,bow ,,of ,a ,,woman ,,of ,,charm ,the reputation of ,southern women for having the gift of fascination is perhaps due not to prettiness of feature more than to the brilliancy or sweetness of their ready smile4 ,that ,southern women are charming and feminine and lovable is proverbial4 ,how many have noticed that ,southern women always bow with the grace of a flower bending in the breeze and a smile like sudden sunshine8 ,the unlovely woman bows as though her head were on a hinge and her smile sucked through a lemon4 ,nothing is so easy for any woman to acquire as a charming bow4 ,it is such a short and fleeting duty4 ,not a bit of trouble really2 just to incline your head and spontaneously smile as though you thought ,why1 there is ,mrs4 ,smith6 ,how glad ,i am to see her6 ,even to a stranger who does her a favor1 a woman of charm always smiles as she says ,thank you6 ,as a possession for either woman or man1 a ready smile is more valuable in life than a ready wit2 the latter may sometimes bring enemies1 but the former always brings friends4 ,,when ,,to ,,bow ,under formal circumstances a lady is supposed to bow to a gentleman first2 but people who know each other well bow spontaneously without observing this etiquette4 ,in meeting the same person many times within an hour or so1 one does not continue to bow after the second1 or at most third meeting4 ,after that one either looks away or merely smiles4 ,unless one has a good memory for people1 it is always better to bow to some one whose face is familiar than to run the greater risk of ignoring an acquaintance4 ,,the ,,cut ,,direct ,for one person to look directly at another and not acknowledge the other's bow is such a breach of civility that only an unforgivable misdemeanor can warrant the rebuke4 ,nor without the gravest cause may a lady cut a gentleman4 ,but there are no circumstances under which a gentleman may cut any woman who1 even by courtesy1 can be called a lady4 ,on the other hand1 one must not confuse absent-mindedness1 or a forgetful memory with an intentional cut4 ,anyone who is preoccupied is apt to pass others without being aware of them1 and without the least want of friendly regard4 ,others who have bad memories forget even those by whom they were much attracted4 ,this does not excuse the bad memory1 but it explains the seeming rudeness4 ,a cut is very different4 ,it is a direct stare of blank refusal1 and is not only insulting to its victim but embarrassing to every witness4 ,happily it is practically unknown in polite society4 ,,chapter ,v ,,on ,,the ,,street ,,and ,,in ,,public ,,walking ,,on ,,the ,,street ,a gentleman1 whether walking with two ladies or one1 takes the curb side of the pavement4 ,he should never sandwich himself between them4 ,a young man walking with a young woman should be careful that his manner in no way draws attention to her or to himself4 ,too devoted a manner is always conspicuous1 and so is loud talking4 ,under no circumstances should he take her arm1 or grasp her by or above the elbow1 and shove her here and there1 unless1 of course1 to save her from being run over6 ,he should not walk along hitting things with his stick4 ,the small boy's delight in drawing a stick along a picket fence should be curbed in the nursery6 ,and it is scarcely necessary to add that no gentleman walks along the street chewing gum or1 if he is walking with a lady1 puffing a cigar or cigarette4 ,all people in the streets1 or anywhere in public1 should be careful not to talk too loud4 ,they should especially avoid pronouncing people's names1 or making personal remarks that may attract passing attention or give a clue to themselves4 ,one should never call out a name in public1 unless it is absolutely unavoidable4 ,a young girl who was separated from her friends in a baseball crowd had the presence of mind to put her hat on her parasol and lift it above the people surrounding her so that her friends might find her4 ,do not attract attention to yourself in public4 ,this is one of the fundamental rules of good breeding4 ,shun conspicuous manners1 conspicuous clothes1 a loud voice1 staring at people1 knocking into them1 talking across anyone--in a word do not attract attention to yourself4 ,do not expose your private affairs1 feelings or innermost thoughts in public4 ,you are knocking down the walls of your house when you do4 ,,gentlemen ,,and ,,bundles ,nearly all books on etiquette insist that a gentleman must offer to carry a lady's bundles4 ,bundles do not suggest a lady in the first place1 and as for gentlemen and bundles6--they don't go together at all4 ,very neat packages that could never without injury to their pride be designated as bundles are different4 ,such1 for instance1 might be a square1 smoothly wrapped box of cigars1 candy1 or books4 ,also1 a gentleman might carry flowers1 or a basket of fruit1 or1 in fact1 any package that looks tempting4 ,he might even stagger under bags and suitcases1 or a small trunk--but carry a bundle8 ,not twice6 ,and yet1 many an unknowing woman1 sometimes a very young and pretty one1 too1 has asked a relative1 a neighbor1 or an admirer1 to carry something suggestive of a pillow1 done up in crinkled paper and odd lengths of joined string4 ,then she wonders afterwards in unenlightened surprise why her cousin1 or her neighbor1 or her admirer1 who is one of the smartest men in town1 never comes to see her any more6 ,a ,,gentleman ,,offers ,,his ,,arm ,to an old lady or to an invalid a gentleman offers his arm if either of them wants his support4 ,otherwise a lady no longer leans upon a gentleman in the daytime1 unless to cross a very crowded thoroughfare1 or to be helped over a rough piece of road1 or under other impeding circumstances4 ,in accompanying a lady anywhere at night1 whether down the steps of a house1 or from one building to another1 or when walking a distance1 a gentleman always offers his arm4 ,the reason is that in her thin high-heeled slippers1 and when it is too dark to see her foothold clearly1 she is likely to trip4 ,under any of these circumstances when he proffers his assistance1 he might say3 ,don't you think you had better take my arm8 ,you might trip4 ,or--,wouldn't it be easier if you took my arm along here8 ,the going is pretty bad4 ,otherwise the only occasions on which a gentleman offers his arm to a lady are in taking her in at a formal dinner1 or taking her in to supper at a ball1 or when he is an usher at a wedding4 ,even in walking across a ballroom1 except at a public ball in the grand march1 it is the present fashion for the younger generation to walk side by side1 never arm in arm4 ,this1 however1 is merely an instance where etiquette and the custom of the moment differ4 ,old-fashioned gentlemen still offer their arm1 and it is1 and long will be1 in accordance with etiquette to do so4 ,but etiquette does not permit a gentleman to take a lady's arm6 ,in seeing a lady to her carriage or motor1 it is quite correct for a gentleman to put his hand under her elbow to assist her2 and in helping her out he should alight first and offer her his hand4 ,he should not hold a parasol over her head unless momentarily while she searches in her wrist-bag for something1 or stops perhaps to put on or take off her glove1 or do anything that occupies both hands4 ,with an umbrella the case is different1 especially in a sudden and driving rain1 when she is often very busily occupied in trying to hold good clothes out of the wet and a hat on1 as well4 ,she may also1 under these circumstances1 take the gentleman's arm1 if the going is thereby made any easier4 ,a ,,lady ,,never ,,on ,,the ,,left ,the owner always sits on the right hand side of the rear seat of a carriage or a motor1 that is driven by a coachman or a chauffeur4 ,if the vehicle belongs to a lady1 she should take her own place always1 unless she relinquishes it to a guest whose rank is above her own1 such as that of the wife of the ,president or the ,governor4 ,if a man is the owner1 he must1 on the contrary1 give a lady the right hand seat4 ,whether in a private carriage1 a car or a taxi1 a lady must never sit on a gentleman's left2 because according to ,european etiquette1 a lady on the left is not a lady4 ,although this etiquette is not strictly observed in ,america1 no gentleman should risk allowing even a single foreigner to misinterpret a lady's position4 ,,awkward ,,questions ,,of ,,payment ,it is becoming much less customary than it used to be for a gentleman to offer to pay a lady's way4 ,if in taking a ferry or a subway1 a young woman stops to buy magazines1 chocolates1 or other trifles1 a young man accompanying her usually offers to pay for them4 ,she quite as usually answers3 ,don't bother1 ,i have it6 and puts the change on the counter4 ,it would be awkward for him to protest1 and bad taste to press the point4 ,but usually in small matters such as a subway fare1 he pays for two4 ,if he invites her to go to a ball game1 or to a matine or to tea1 he naturally buys the tickets and any refreshment which they may have4 ,very often it happens that a young woman and a young man who are bound for the same house party1 at a few hours' distance from the place where they both live1 take the same train--either by accident or by pre-arrangement4 ,in this case the young woman should pay for every item of her journey4 ,she should not let her companion pay for her parlor car seat or for her luncheon2 nor should he1 when they arrive at their destination1 tip the porter for carrying her bag4 ,a gentleman who is by chance sitting next to a lady of his acquaintance on a train or boat1 should never think of offering to pay for her seat or for anything she may buy from the vendor4 ,,the ,,escort ,notwithstanding the fact that he is met1 all dressed in his best store clothes1 with his lady friend leaning on his arm1 in the pages of counterfeit society novels and unauthoritative books on etiquette1 there is no such actual person known to good society--at least not in ,new ,york or any great city--as an escort1 he is not only unknown1 but he is impossible4 ,in good society ladies do not go about under the care of gentlemen6 ,it is unheard of for a gentleman to take a young girl alone to a dance or to dine or to parties of any description2 nor can she accept his sponsorship anywhere whatsoever4 ,a well behaved young girl goes to public dances only when properly chaperoned and to a private dance with her mother or else accompanied by her maid1 who waits for her the entire evening in the dressing room4 ,it is not only improper1 it is impossible for any man to take a lady to a party of any sort1 to which she has not been personally invited by the hostess4 ,a lady may never be under the protection of a man anywhere6 ,a young girl is not even taken about by her betrothed4 ,his friends send invitations to her on his account1 it is true1 and1 if possible1 he accompanies her1 but correct invitations must be sent by them to her1 or she should not go4 ,older ladies are often thoughtless and say to a young man3 ,bring your fiance to see me6 ,his answer should be3 ,indeed1 ,i'd love to any time you telephone her2 or1 ,i know she'd love to come if you'd ask her4 ,if the lady stupidly persists in casually saying1 ,do bring her1 he must smile and say lightly3 ,but ,i can't bring her without an invitation from you4 ,or1 he merely evades the issue1 and does not bring her4 ,,the ,,restaurant ,,check ,everyone has at some time or other been subjected to the awkward moment when the waiter presents the check to the host4 ,for a host to count up the items is suggestive of parsimony1 while not to look at them is disconcertingly reckless1 and to pay before their faces for what his guests have eaten is embarrassing4 ,having the check presented to a hostess when gentlemen are among her guests1 is more unpleasant4 ,therefore1 to avoid this whole transaction1 people who have not charge accounts1 should order the meal ahead1 and at the same time pay for it in advance1 including the waiter's tip4 ,charge customers should make arrangements to have the check presented to them elsewhere than at table4 ,,in ,,stores ,,or ,,shops ,lack of consideration for those who in any capacity serve you1 is always an evidence of ill-breeding1 as well as of inexcusable selfishness4 ,occasionally a so-called lady who has nothing whatever to do but drive uptown or down in her comfortable limousine1 vents her irritability upon a saleswoman at a crowded counter in a store1 because she does not leave other customers and wait immediately upon her4 ,then1 perhaps1 when the article she asked for is not to be had1 she complains to the floor-walker about the saleswoman's stupidity6 ,or having nothing that she can think of to occupy an empty hour on her hands1 she demands that every sort of material be dragged down from the shelves until1 discovering that it is at last time for her appointment1 she yawns and leaves4 ,of course1 on the other hand1 there is the genuinely lethargic saleswoman whose mind doesn't seem to register a single syllable that you have said to her2 who1 with complete indifference to you and your preferences1 insists on showing what you distinctly say you do not want1 and who caps the climax by drawling ,they are wearing it this season6 ,does that sort of saleswoman ever succeed in selling anything8 ,does anyone living buy anything because someone1 who knows nothing1 tells another1 who is often an expert1 what an indiscriminating ,they may be doing8 ,that kind of a saleswoman would try to tell ,kreisler that ,they are not using violins this season6 ,there are always two sides to the case1 of course1 and it is a credit to good manners that there is scarcely ever any friction in stores and shops of the first class4 ,salesmen and women are usually persons who are both patient and polite1 and their customers are most often ladies in fact as well as by courtesy4 ,between those before and those behind the counters1 there has sprung up in many instances a relationship of mutual goodwill and friendliness4 ,it is1 in fact1 only the woman who is afraid that someone may encroach upon her exceedingly insecure dignity1 who shows neither courtesy nor consideration to any except those whom she considers it to her advantage to please4 ,,regard ,,for ,,others ,consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built4 ,rule of etiquette the first--which hundreds of others merely paraphrase or explain or elaborate--is3 ,never do anything that is unpleasant to others4 ,never take more than your share--whether of the road in driving a car1 of chairs on a boat or seats on a train1 or food at the table4 ,people who picnic along the public highway leaving a clutter of greasy paper and swill 7not1 a pretty name1 but neither is it a pretty object67 for other people to walk or drive past1 and to make a breeding place for flies1 and furnish nourishment for rats1 choose a disgusting way to repay the land-owner for the liberty they took in temporarily occupying his property4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,at ,,the ,,opera1 ,,the ,,theater1 ,,and ,,other ,,public ,,gatherings ,excepting a religious ceremonial1 there is no occasion where greater dignity of manner is required of ladies and gentlemen both1 than in occupying a box at the opera4 ,for a gentleman especially no other etiquette is so exacting4 ,in walking about in the foyer of the opera house1 a gentleman leaves his coat in the box--or in his orchestra chair--but he always wears his high hat4 ,the collapsible hat is for use in the seats rather than in the boxes1 but it can be worn perfectly well by a guest in the latter if he hasn't a silk one4 ,a gentleman must always be in full dress1 tail coat1 white waistcoat1 white tie and white gloves whether he is seated in the orchestra or a box4 ,he wears white gloves nowhere else except at a ball1 or when usher at a wedding4 ,as people usually dine with their hostess before the opera1 they arrive together2 the gentlemen assist the ladies to lay off their wraps1 one of the gentlemen 7whichever is nearest7 draws back the curtain dividing the ante-room from the box1 and the ladies enter1 followed by the gentlemen1 the last of whom closes the curtain again4 ,if there are two ladies besides the hostess1 the latter places her most distinguished or older guest in the corner nearest the stage4 ,the seat furthest from the stage is always her own4 ,the older guest takes her seat first1 then the hostess takes her place1 whereupon the third lady goes forward in the center to the front of the box1 and stands until one of the gentlemen places a chair for her between the other two4 7,the chairs are arranged in three rows1 of one on either side with an aisle left between47 ,one of the duties of the gentlemen is to see that the curtains at the back of the box remain tightly closed1 as the light from the ante-room shining in the faces of others in the audience across the house is very disagreeable to them4 ,a gentleman never sits in the front row of a box1 even though he is for a time alone in it4 ,,as ,,to ,,visiting ,it is the custom for a gentleman who is a guest in one box to pay visits to friends in other boxes during the entr'actes4 ,he must visit none but ladies of his acquaintance and must never enter a box in which he knows only the gentlemen1 and expect to be introduced to the ladies4 ,if ,arthur ,norman1 for instance1 wishes to present a gentleman to ,mrs4 ,gilding in her box at the opera1 he must first ask her if he may bring his friend ,james ,dawson4 7,he would on no account speak of him as ,mr4 ,dawson unless he is an elderly person47 ,a lady's box at the opera is actually her house1 and only those who are acceptable as visitors in her house should ask to be admitted4 ,but it is quite correct for a gentleman to go into a stranger's box to speak to a lady who is a friend of his1 just as he would go to see her if she were staying in a stranger's house4 ,but he should not go into the box of one he does not know1 to speak to a lady with whom he has only a slight acquaintance1 since visits are not paid quite so casually to ladies who are themselves visitors4 ,upon a gentleman's entering a box it is obligatory for whoever is sitting behind the lady to whom the arriving gentleman's visit is addressed1 to relinquish his chair4 ,another point of etiquette is that a gentleman must never leave the ladies of his own box alone4 ,occasionally it happens that the gentlemen in ,mrs4 ,gilding's box1 for instance1 have all relinquished their places to visitors and have themselves gone to ,mrs4 ,worldly's or ,mrs4 ,jones' or ,mrs4 ,town's boxes4 ,mrs4 ,gilding's guests must1 from the vantage point of the ,worldly1 ,jones or ,town boxes1 keep a watchful eye on their hostess and instantly return to her support when they see her visitors about to leave1 even though the ladies whom they are momentarily visiting be left to themselves4 ,it is of course the duty of the other gentlemen who came to the opera with ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,mrs4 ,jones or ,mrs4 ,town to hurry to them4 ,a gentleman must never stay in any box that he does not belong in1 after the lowering of the lights for the curtain4 ,nor1 in spite of cartoons to the contrary1 does good taste permit conversation during the performance or during the overture4 ,box holders arriving late or leaving before the final curtain do so as quietly as possible and always without speaking4 ,a ,,brilliant ,,opera ,,night ,a brilliant opera night1 which one often hears spoken of 7meaning merely that all the boxes are occupied1 and that the ladies are more elaborately dressed than usual7 is generally a night when a leader of fashion such as ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,mrs4 ,gilding1 or ,mrs4 ,toplofty1 is giving a ball2 and most of the holders of the parterre boxes are in ball dresses1 with an unusual display of jewels4 ,or a house will be particularly brilliant if a very great singer is appearing in a new rle1 or if a personage be present1 as when ,marshal ,joffre went to the ,metropolitan4 ,,after ,,the ,,performance ,one gentleman1 at least1 must wait in the carriage lobby until all the ladies in his party have driven away4 ,never under any circumstances may the last gentleman leave a lady standing alone on the sidewalk4 ,it is the duty of the hostess to take all unattended ladies home who have not a private conveyance of their own1 but the obligation does not extend to married couples or odd men4 ,but if a married lady or widow has ordered her own car to come for her1 the odd gentleman waits with her until it appears4 ,it is then considerate for her to offer him a lift1 but it is equally proper for her to thank him for waiting and drive off alone4 ,,at ,,the ,,theater ,new ,yorkers of highest fashion almost never occupy a box at the theater4 ,at the opera the world of fashion is to be seen in the parterre boxes 7not the first tier71 and in boxes at some of the horse shows and at many public charity balls and entertainments1 but those in boxes at the theater are usually strangers or outsiders4 ,no one can dispute that the best theater seats are those in the center of the orchestra4 ,a box in these days of hatlessness has nothing to recommend it except that the people can sit in a group and gentlemen can go out between the acts easily1 but these advantages hardly make up for the disadvantage to four or at least three out of the six box occupants who see scarcely a slice of the stage4 ,,will ,,you ,,dine ,,and ,,go ,,to ,,the ,,play8 ,there is no more popular or agreeable way of entertaining people than to ask them to dine and go to the play4 ,the majority do not even prefer to have opera substituted for play1 because those who care for serious music are a minority compared with those who like the theater4 ,if a bachelor gives a small theater party he usually takes his guests to dine at the ,fitz-,cherry or some other fashionable and amusing restaurant1 but a married couple living in their own house are more likely to dine at home1 unless they belong to a type prevalent in ,new ,york which is restaurant mad4 ,the ,gildings1 in spite of the fact that their own chef is the best there is1 are much more apt to dine in a restaurant before going to a play--or if they don't dine in a restaurant1 they go to one for supper afterwards4 ,but the ,normans1 if they ask people to dine and go to the theater1 invariably dine at home4 ,a theater party can of course be of any size1 but six or eight is the usual number1 and the invitations are telephoned3 ,will ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,lovejoy dine with ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,norman at seven-thirty on ,tuesday and go to the play8 ,or ,will ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,oldname dine with ,mr4 ,clubwin ,doe on ,saturday at the ,toit d',or and go to the play8 ,when ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,oldname accept with pleasure a second message is given3 ,dinner will be at #g4cj4 ,mrs4 ,norman's guests go to her house4 ,mr4 ,doe's guests meet him in the foyer of the ,toit d',or4 ,but the guests at both dinners are taken to the theater by their host4 ,if a dinner is given by a hostess who has no car of her own1 a guest will sometimes ask3 ,don't you want me to have the car come back for us8 ,the hostess can either say to an intimate friend ,why1 yes1 thank you very much1 or to a more formal acquaintance1 ,no1 thank you just the same--,i have ordered taxis4 ,or she can accept4 ,there is no rule beyond her own feelings in the matter4 ,mr4 ,doe takes his guests to the theater in taxis4 ,the ,normans1 if only the ,lovejoys are dining with them1 go in ,mrs4 ,norman's little town car1 but if there are to be six or eight1 the ladies go in her car and the gentlemen follow in a taxi4 7,unless ,mrs4 ,worldly or ,mrs4 ,gilding are in the party and order their cars back47 ,,tickets ,,bought ,,in ,,advance ,before inviting anyone to go to a particular play1 a hostess must be sure that good tickets are to be had4 ,she should also try to get seats for a play that is new2 since it is dull to take people to something they have already seen4 ,this is not difficult in cities where new plays come to town every week1 but in ,new ,york1 where the same ones run for a year or more1 it is often a choice between an old good one or a new one that is poor4 ,if intimate friends are coming1 a hostess usually asks them what they want to see and tries to get tickets accordingly4 ,it is really unnecessary to add that one must never ask people to go to a place of public amusement and then stand in line to get seats at the time of the performance4 ,,going ,,down ,,the ,,aisle ,,of ,a ,,theater ,the host1 or whichever gentleman has the tickets1 7if there is no host1 the hostess usually hands them to one of the1 gentlemen before leaving her house71 goes down the aisle first and gives the checks to the usher1 and the others follow in the order in which they are to sit and which the hostess must direct4 ,it is necessary that each knows who follows whom1 particularly if a theater party arrives after the curtain has gone up4 ,if the hostess forgets1 the guests always ask before trooping down the aisle ,how do you want us to sit8 ,for nothing is more awkward and stupid than to block the aisle at the row where their seats are1 while their hostess sorts them2 and worse yet1 in her effort to be polite1 sends the ladies to their seats first and then lets the gentlemen stumble across them to their own places4 ,going down the aisle is not a question of precedence1 but a question of seating4 ,the one who is to sit eighth from the aisle1 whether a lady or a gentleman1 goes first1 then the seventh1 then the sixth1 and if the gentleman with the checks is fifth1 he goes in his turn and the fourth follows him4 ,if a gentleman and his wife go to the theater alone1 the question as to who goes down the aisle first depends on where the usher is4 ,if the usher takes the checks at the head of the aisle1 she follows the usher4 ,otherwise the gentleman goes first with the checks4 ,when their places are shown him1 he stands aside for his wife to take her place first and then he takes his4 ,a lady never sits in the aisle seat if she is with a gentleman4 ,,good ,,manners ,,at ,,the ,,theater ,in passing across people who are seated1 always face the stage and press as close to the backs of the seats you are facing as you can4 ,remember also not to drag anything across the heads of those sitting in front of you4 ,at the moving pictures1 especially when it is dark and difficult to see1 a coat on an arm passing behind a chair can literally devastate the hair-dressing of a lady occupying it4 ,if you are obliged to cross in front of some one who gets up to let you pass1 say ,thank you1 or ,thank you very much or ,i am very sorry4 ,do not say ,pardon me6 or ,beg pardon6 ,though you can say ,i beg your pardon4 ,that1 however1 would be more properly the expression to use if you brushed your coat over their heads1 or spilled water over them1 or did something to them for which you should actually beg their pardon4 ,but ,beg pardon1 which is an abbreviation1 is one of the phrases never said in best society4 ,gentlemen who want to go out after every act should always be sure to get aisle seats4 ,there are no greater theater pests than those who come back after the curtain has gone up and temporarily snuff out the view of everyone behind1 as well as annoy those who are obliged to stand up and let them by4 ,between the acts nearly all gentlemen go out and smoke at least once1 but those wedged in far from the aisle1 who file out every time the curtain drops are utterly lacking in consideration for others4 ,if there are five acts1 they should at most go out for two entr'actes and even then be careful to come back before the curtain goes up4 ,,very ,,inconsiderate ,,to ,,giggle ,,and ,,talk ,nothing shows less consideration for others than to whisper and rattle programmes and giggle and even make audible remarks throughout a performance4 ,very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them4 ,if ,mary and ,johnny and ,susy and ,tommy want to talk and giggle1 why not arrange chairs in rows for them in a drawing-room1 turn on a phonograph as an accompaniment and let them sit there and chatter6 ,if those behind you insist on talking it is never good policy to turn around and glare4 ,if you are young they pay no attention1 and if you are older--most young people think an angry older person the funniest sight on earth6 ,the small boy throws a snowball at an elderly gentleman for no other reason6 ,the only thing you can do is to say amiably3 ,i'm sorry1 but ,i can't hear anything while you talk4 ,if they still persist1 you can ask an usher to call the manager4 ,the sentimental may as well realize that every word said above a whisper is easily heard by those sitting directly in front1 and those who tell family or other private affairs might do well to remember this also4 ,as a matter of fact1 comparatively few people are ever anything but well behaved4 ,those who arrive late and stand long1 leisurely removing their wraps1 and who insist on laughing and talking are rarely encountered2 most people take their seats as quietly and quickly as they possibly can1 and are quite as much interested in the play and therefore as attentive and quiet as you are4 ,a very annoying person at the movies is one who reads every caption out loud4 ,,proper ,,theater ,,clothes ,at the evening performance in ,new ,york a lady wears a dinner dress2 a gentleman a dinner coat1 often called a ,tuxedo4 ,full dress is not correct1 but those going afterwards to a ball can perfectly well go to the theater first if they do not make themselves conspicuous4 ,a lady in a ball dress and many jewels should avoid elaborate hair ornamentation and must keep her wrap1 or at least a sufficiently opaque scarf1 about her shoulders to avoid attracting people's attention4 ,a gentleman in full dress is not conspicuous4 ,and on the subject of theater dress it might be tentatively remarked that prinking and making up in public are all part of an age which can not see fun in a farce without bedroom scenes and actors in pajamas1 and actresses running about in negligs with their hair down4 ,an audience which night after night watches people dressing and undressing probably gets into an unconscious habit of dressing or prinking itself4 ,in other days it was always thought that so much as to adjust a hat-pin or glance in a glass was lack of breeding4 ,every well brought up young woman was taught that she must finish dressing in her bedchamber4 ,but to-day young women in theaters1 restaurants1 and other public places1 are continually studying their reflection in little mirrors and patting their hair and powdering their noses and fixing this or adjusting that in a way that in ,mrs4 ,oldname's girlhood would have absolutely barred them from good society2 nor can ,mrs4 ,worldly or ,mrs4 ,oldname be imagined preening and prinking anywhere4 ,they dress as carefully and as beautifully as possible1 but when they turn away from the mirrors in their dressing rooms they never look in a glass or take note of their appearance until they dress again4 ,and it must be granted that ,lucy ,gilding1 ,constance ,style1 ,celia ,lovejoy1 ,mary ,smartlington and the other well-bred members of the younger set do not put finishing touches on their faces in public--as yet6 ,,the ,,courtesy ,,of ,,sending ,,tickets ,,early ,most people are at times obliged to take tickets for various charity entertainments--balls1 theatricals1 concerts or pageants--to which1 if they do not care to go themselves1 they give away their tickets4 ,those who intend giving tickets should remember that a message1 ,can you use two tickets for the ,russian ballet to-night8 sent at seven o'clock that same evening1 after the ,lovejoys have settled themselves for an evening at home 7,celia having decided not to curl her hair and ,donald having that morning sent his only dinner coat to be re-faced7 can not give the same pleasure that their earlier offer would have given4 ,an opera box sent on the morning of the opera is worse1 since to find four music-loving people to fill it on such short notice at the height of the season is an undertaking that few care to attempt4 ,a ,,big ,,theater ,,party ,a big theater party is one of the favorite entertainments given for a dbutante4 ,if fifty or more are to be asked1 invitations are sometimes engraved4 ,mrs4 ,toplofty requests the pleasure of ,name of guest is written on this line4 company at the theater and a small dance afterward in honor of her great-niece ,miss ,millicent ,gilding on ,tuesday the sixth of ,january at half past eight o'clock ,r4s4v4p4 ,but--and usually--the general utility invitation 7see page #aah7 is filled in1 as follows3 ,,hw3 ,to meet ,miss ,millicent ,gilding ,mrs4 ,toplofty requests the pleasure of ,,hw3 ,miss ,rosalie ,gray's company at ,,hw3 the ,theater and at a dance on ,,hw3 ,tuesday the sixth of ,january at ,,hw3 #h3ae ,r4s4v4p4 ,or notes in either wording above are written by hand4 ,all those who accept have a ticket sent them4 ,each ticket sent a dbutante is accompanied by a visiting card on which is written3 ,be in the lobby of the ,comedy ,theater at #h4ae4 ,order your motor to come for you at #jaj ,fifth ,avenue at #a ,a4,m4 ,on the evening of the theater party1 ,mrs4 ,toplofty herself stands in the lobby to receive the guests4 ,as soon as any who are to sit next to each other have arrived1 they are sent into the theater2 each gives her 7or his7 ticket to an usher and sits in the place alloted to her 7or him74 ,it is well for the hostess to have a seat plan for her own use in case thoughtless young people mix their tickets all up and hand them to an usher in a bunch6 ,and yet--if they do mix themselves to their own satisfaction1 she would better leave them than attempt to disturb a plan that may have had more method in it than madness4 ,when the last young girl has arrived1 ,mrs4 ,toplofty goes into the theater herself 7she does not bother to wait for any boys71 and in this one instance she very likely sits in a stage box so as to keep her eye on them1 and with her she has two or three of her own friends4 ,after the theater1 big motor busses drive them all either to the house of the hostess or to a hotel for supper and to dance4 ,if they go to a hotel1 a small ballroom must be engaged and the dance is a private one2 it would be considered out of place to take a lot of very young people to a public cabaret4 ,carelessly chaperoned young girls are sometimes1 it is true1 seen in very questionable places because some of the so-called dancing restaurants are perfectly fit and proper for them to go to2 many other places however1 are not1 and for the sake of general appearances it is safer to make it a rule that no very young girl should go anywhere after the theater except to a private house or a private dance or ball4 ,older people1 on the other hand1 very often go for a supper to one of the cabarets for which ,new ,york is famous 7or infamous871 or perhaps go to watch a vaudeville performance at midnight1 or dance1 or do both together4 ,others1 if they are among the great majority of quiet people1 go home after the theater1 especially if they have dined with their hostess 7or host7 before the play4 ,,don',t ,,be ,,late ,when you are dining before going to the opera or theater you must arrive on the stroke of the hour for which you are asked2 it is one occasion when it is inexcusable to be late4 ,in accepting an invitation for lunch or dinner after which you are going to a game1 or any sort of performance1 you must not be late6 ,nothing is more unfair to others who are keen about whatever it is you are going to see1 than to make them miss the beginning of a performance through your thoughtless selfishness4 ,for this reason box-holders who are music-lovers do not ask guests who have the late habit to dine before the opera1 because experience has taught them they will miss the overture and most of the first act if they do4 ,those1 on the other hand1 who care nothing for music and go to the opera to see people and be seen1 seldom go until most if not all of the first act is over4 ,but these in turn might give music-loving guests their choice of going alone in time for the overture and waiting for them in the box at the opera1 or having the pleasure of dining with their hostess but missing most of the first part4 ,,at ,,games1 ,,the ,,circus ,,or ,,elsewhere ,considerate and polite behavior by each member of an audience is the same everywhere4 ,at outdoor games1 or at the circus1 it is not necessary to stop talking4 ,in fact1 a good deal of noise is not out of the way in rooting at a match1 and a circus band does not demand silence in order to appreciate its cheerful blare4 ,one very great annoyance in open air gatherings is cigar smoke when blown directly in one's face1 or worse yet the smoke from a smouldering cigar4 ,it is almost worthy of a study in air currents to discover why with plenty of space all around1 a tiny column of smoke will make straight for the nostrils of the very one most nauseated by it6 ,the only other annoyance met with at ball games or parades or wherever people occupy seats on the grandstand1 is when some few in front get excited and insist on standing up4 ,if those in front stand--those behind naturally have to6 ,generally people call out down in front4 ,if they won't stay down1 then all those behind have to stay up4 ,also umbrellas and parasols entirely blot out the view of those behind4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,conversation ,,need ,,of ,,reciprocity ,ideal conversation should be a matter of equal give and take1 but too often it is all take4 ,the voluble talker--or chatterer--rides his own hobby straight through the hours without giving anyone else1 who might also like to say something1 a chance to do other than exhaustedly await the turn that never comes4 ,once in a while--a very long while--one meets a brilliant person whose talk is a delight2 or still more rarely a wit who manipulates every ordinary topic with the agility of a sleight-of-hand performer1 to the ever increasing rapture of his listeners4 ,but as a rule the man who has been led to believe that he is a brilliant and interesting talker has been led to make himself a rapacious pest4 ,no conversation is possible between others whose ears are within reach of his ponderous voice2 anecdotes1 long-winded stories1 dramatic and pathetic1 stock his repertoire2 but worst of all are his humorous yarns at which he laughs uproariously though every one else grows solemn and more solemn4 ,there is a simple rule1 by which if one is a voluble chatterer 7to be a good talker necessitates a good mind7 one can at least refrain from being a pest or a bore4 ,and the rule is merely1 to stop and think4 ,,think ,,before ,,you ,,speak ,nearly all the faults or mistakes in conversation are caused by not thinking4 ,for instance1 a first rule for behavior in society is3 ,try to do and say those things only which will be agreeable to others4 ,yet how many people1 who really know better1 people who are perfectly capable of intelligent understanding if they didn't let their brains remain asleep or locked tight1 go night after night to dinner parties1 day after day to other social gatherings1 and absent-mindedly prate about this or that without ever taking the trouble to think what they are saying and to whom they are saying it6 ,would a young mother describe twenty or thirty cunning tricks and sayings of the baby to a bachelor who has been helplessly put beside her at dinner if she thought8 ,she would know very well1 alas6 that not even a very dear friend would really care for more than a hors d'oeuvre of the subject1 at the board of general conversation4 ,the older woman is even worse1 unless something occurs 7often when it is too late7 to make her wake up and realize that she not only bores her hearers but prejudices everyone against her children by the unrestraint of her own praise4 ,the daughter who is continually lauded as the most captivating and beautiful girl in the world1 seems to the wearied perceptions of enforced listeners annoying and plain4 ,in the same way the magnificent son is handicapped by his mother's--or his father's--overweening pride and love in exact proportion to its displayed intensity4 ,on the other hand1 the neglected wife1 the unappreciated husband1 the misunderstood child1 takes on a glamor in the eyes of others equally out of proportion4 ,that great love has seldom perfect wisdom is one of the great tragedies in the drama of life4 ,in the case of the overloving wife or mother1 some one should love her enough to make her stop and think that her loving praise is not merely a question of boring her hearers but of handicapping unfairly those for whom she would gladly lay down her life--and yet few would have the courage to point out to her that she would far better lay down her tongue4 ,the cynics say that those who take part in social conversation are bound to be either the bores or the bored2 and that which you choose to be1 is a mere matter of selection4 ,and there must be occasions in the life of everyone when the cynics seem to be right2 the man of affairs who1 sitting next to an attractive looking young woman1 is regaled throughout dinner with the detailed accomplishments of the young woman's husband2 the woman of intellect who must listen with interest to the droolings of an especially prosy man who holds forth on the super-everything of his own possessions1 can not very well consider that the evening was worth dressing1 sitting up1 and going out for4 ,people who talk too easily are apt to talk too much1 and at times imprudently1 and those with vivid imagination are often unreliable in their statements4 ,on the other hand the man of silence who never speaks except when he has something worth while to say1 is apt to wear well among his intimates1 but is not likely to add much to the gaiety of a party4 ,try not to repeat yourself2 either by telling the same story again and again or by going back over details of your narrative that seemed especially to interest or amuse your hearer4 ,many things are of interest when briefly told and for the first time2 nothing interests when too long dwelt upon2 little interests that is told a second time4 ,the exception is something very pleasant that you have heard about ,a4 or more especially ,a4's child1 which having already told ,a4 you can then tell ,b41 and later ,c4 in ,a4's presence4 ,never do this as a habit1 however1 and never drag the incident into the conversation merely to flatter ,a41 since if ,a4 is a person of taste1 he will be far more apt to resent than be pleased by flattery that borders on the fulsome4 ,be careful not to let amiable discussion turn into contradiction and argument4 ,the tactful person keeps his prejudices to himself and even when involved in a discussion says quietly ,no4 ,i don't think ,i agree with you or ,it seems to me thus and so4 ,one who is well-bred never says ,you are wrong6 or ,nothing of the kind6 ,if he finds another's opinion utterly opposed to his own1 he switches to another subject for a pleasanter channel of conversation4 ,when some one is talking to you1 it is inconsiderate to keep repeating ,what did you say8 ,those who are deaf are often1 obliged to ask that a sentence be repeated4 ,otherwise their irrelevant answers would make them appear half-witted4 ,but countless persons with perfectly good hearing say ,what8 from force of habit and careless inattention4 ,,the ,,gift ,,of ,,humor ,the joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor4 ,if you know any one who is gay1 beguiling and amusing1 you will1 if you are wise1 do everything you can to make him prefer your house and your table to any other2 for where he is1 the successful party is also4 ,what he says is of no matter1 it is the twist he gives to it1 the intonation1 the personality he puts into his quip or retort or observation that delights his hearers1 and in his case the ordinary rules do not apply4 ,eugene ,field could tell a group of people that it had rained to-day and would probably rain to-morrow1 and make everyone burst into laughter--or tears if he chose--according to the way it was said4 ,but the ordinary rest of us must1 if we would be thought sympathetic1 intelligent or agreeable1 go fishing4 ,,going ,,fishing ,,for ,,topics ,the charming talker is neither more nor less than a fisherman4 7,fisherwoman rather1 since in ,america women make more effort to be agreeable than men do47 ,sitting next to a stranger she wonders which fly she had better choose to interest him4 ,she offers one topic2 not much of a nibble4 ,so she tries another or perhaps a third before he rises to the bait4 ,,the ,,door ,,slammers ,there are people whose idea of conversation is contradiction and flat statement4 ,finding yourself next to one of these1 you venture3 ,have you seen any good plays lately8 ,no1 hate the theater4 ,which team are you for in the series8 ,neither4 ,only an idiot could be interested in baseball4 ,country must have a good many idiots6 mockingly4 ,obviously it has4 ,full stop4 ,in desperation you veer to the personal4 ,i've never seen ,mrs4 ,bobo ,gilding as beautiful as she is to-night4 ,nothing beautiful about her4 ,as for the name ',bobo1' it's asinine4 ,oh1 it's just one of those children's names that stick sometimes for life4 ,perfect rot4 ,ought to be called by his name1 etc4 ,another1 not very different in type though different in method1 is the self-appointed instructor whose proper place is on the lecture platform1 not at a dinner table4 ,the earliest coins struck in the ,peloponnesus were stamped on one side only2 their alloy---- etc4 ,another is the expounder of the obvious3 ,have you ever noticed1 says he1 deeply thinking1 how people's tastes differ8 ,then there is the vulgarian of fulsome compliment3 ,why are you so beautiful8 ,it is not fair to the others---- and so on4 ,,tactless ,,blunderers ,tactless people are also legion4 ,the means-to-be-agreeable elderly man says to a passe acquaintance1 ,twenty years ago you were the prettiest woman in town2 or in the pleasantest tone of voice to one whose only son has married4 ,why is it1 do you suppose1 that young wives always dislike their mothers-in-law8 ,if you have any ambition to be sought after in society you must not talk about the unattractiveness of old age to the elderly1 about the joys of dancing and skating to the lame1 or about the advantages of ancestry to the self-made4 ,it is also dangerous1 as well as needlessly unkind1 to ridicule or criticize others1 especially for what they can't help4 ,if a young woman's familiar or otherwise lax behavior deserves censure1 a casual unflattering remark may not add to your own popularity if your listener is a relative1 but you can at least1 without being shamefaced1 stand by your guns4 ,on the other hand to say needlessly ,what an ugly girl6 or ,what a half-wit that boy is6 can be of no value except in drawing attention to your own tactlessness4 ,the young girl who admired her own facile adjectives said to a casual acquaintance3 ,how can you go about with that moth-eaten1 squint-eyed1 bag of a girl6 ,because1 answered the youth whom she had intended to dazzle1 the lady of your flattering epithets happens to be my sister4 ,it is scarcely necessary to say that one whose tactless remarks ride rough-shod over the feelings of others1 is not welcomed by many4 ,,the ,,bore ,a bore is said to be one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself6 which is superficially true enough1 but a bore might more accurately be described as one who is interested in what does not interest you1 and insists that you share his enthusiasm1 in spite of your disinclination4 ,to the bore life holds no dullness2 every subject is of unending delight4 ,a story told for the thousandth time has not lost its thrill2 every tiresome detail is held up and turned about as a morsel of delectableness2 to him each pea in a pod differs from another with the entrancing variety that artists find in tropical sunsets4 ,on the other hand1 to be bored is a bad habit1 and one only too easy to fall into4 ,as a matter of fact1 it is impossible1 almost1 to meet anyone who has not something of interest to tell you if you are but clever enough yourself to find out what it is4 ,there are certain always delightful people who refuse to be bored4 ,their attitude is that no subject need ever be utterly uninteresting1 so long as it is discussed for the first time4 ,repetition alone is deadly dull4 ,besides1 what is the matter with trying to be agreeable yourself8 ,not too agreeable4 ,alas6 it is true3 ,be polite to bores and so shall you have bores always round about you4 ,furthermore1 there is no reason why you should be bored when you can be otherwise4 ,but if you find yourself sitting in the hedgerow with nothing but weeds1 there is no reason for shutting your eyes and seeing nothing1 instead of finding what beauty you may in the weeds4 ,to put it cynically1 life is too short to waste it in drawing blanks4 ,therefore1 it is up to you to find as many pictures to put on your blank pages as possible4 ,a ,,few ,,important ,,details ,,of ,,speech ,,in ,,conversation ,unless you wish to stamp yourself a person who has never been out of provincial society1 never speak of your husband as ,mr4 except to an inferior4 ,mrs4 ,worldly for instance in talking with a stranger would say my husband1 and to a friend1 meaning one not only whom she calls by her first name1 but anyone on her dinner list1 she says1 ,dick thought the play amusing or ,dick said----4 ,this does not give her listener the privilege of calling him ,dick4 ,the listener in return speaks of her own husband as ,tom even if he is seventy--unless her hearer is a very young person 7either man or woman71 when she would say my husband4 ,never ,mr4 ,older4 ,to call your husband ,mr4 means that you consider the person you are talking to1 beneath you in station4 ,mr4 ,worldly in the same way speaks of ,mrs4 ,worldly as my wife to a gentleman1 or ,edith in speaking to a lady4 ,always4 ,in speaking about other people1 one says ,mrs41 ,miss or ,mr4 as the case may be4 ,it is bad form to go about saying ,edith ,worldly or ,ethel ,norman to those who do not call them ,edith or ,ethel1 and to speak thus familiarly of one whom you do not call by her first name1 is unforgivable4 ,it is also effrontery for a younger person to call an older by her or his first name1 without being asked to do so4 ,only a very underbred1 thick-skinned person would attempt it4 ,also you must not take your conversation out of the drawing-room4 ,operations1 ills or personal blemishes1 details and appurtenances of the dressing-room1 for instance1 are neither suitable nor pleasant topics1 nor are personal jokes in good taste4 ,,the ,,omniscience ,,of ,,the ,,very ,,rich ,why a man1 because he has millions1 should assume that they confer omniscience in all branches of knowledge1 is something which may be left to the psychologist to answer1 but most of those thrown much in contact with millionaires will agree that an attitude of infallibility is typical of a fair majority4 ,a professor who has devoted his life to a subject modestly makes a statement4 ,you are all wrong1 says the man of millions1 ,it is this way----4 ,as a connoisseur he seems to think that because he can pay for anything he fancies1 he is accredited expert as well as potential owner4 ,topics he does not care for are bosh1 those which he has a smattering of1 he simply appropriates2 his prejudices are1 in his opinion1 expert criticism2 his taste impeccable2 his judgment infallible2 and to him the world is a pleasance built for his sole pleasuring4 ,but to the rest of us who also have to live in it with as much harmony as we can1 such persons are certainly elephants at large in the garden4 ,we can sometimes induce them to pass through gently1 but they are just as likely at any moment to pull up our fences and push the house itself over on our defenseless heads4 ,there are countless others of course1 very often the richest of all1 who are authoritative in all they profess1 who are experts and connoisseurs1 who are human and helpful and above everything respecters of the garden enclosure of others4 ,,dangers ,,to ,,be ,,avoided ,in conversation the dangers are very much the same as those to be avoided in writing letters4 ,talk about things which you think will be agreeable to your hearer4 ,don't dilate on ills1 misfortune1 or other unpleasantnesses4 ,the one in greatest danger of making enemies is the man or woman of brilliant wit4 ,if sharp1 wit is apt to produce a feeling of mistrust even while it stimulates4 ,furthermore the applause which follows every witty sally becomes in time breath to the nostrils1 and perfectly well-intentioned1 people1 who mean to say nothing unkind1 in the flash of a second see a point1 and in the next second1 score it with no more power to resist than a drug addict can resist a dose put into his hand6 ,the mimic is a joy to his present company1 but the eccentric mannerism of one is much easier to imitate than the charm of another1 and the subjects of the habitual mimic are all too apt to become his enemies4 ,you need not1 however1 be dull because you refrain from the rank habit of a critical attitude1 which like a weed will grow all over the place if you let it have half a chance4 ,a very good resolve to make and keep1 if you would also keep any friends you make1 is never to speak of anyone without1 in imagination1 having them overhear what you say4 ,one often hears the exclamation ,i would say it to her face6 ,at least be very sure that this is true1 and not a braggart's phrase and then--nine times out of ten think better of it and refrain4 ,preaching is all very well in a text-book1 schoolroom or pulpit1 but it has no place in society4 ,society is supposed to be a pleasant place2 telling people disagreeable things to their faces or behind their backs is not a pleasant occupation4 ,do not be too apparently clever if you would be popular4 ,the cleverest woman is she who1 in talking to a man1 makes him seem clever4 ,this was ,mme4 ,recamier's great charm4 ,a ,,few ,,maxims ,,for ,,those ,,who ,,talk ,,too ,,much--,,and ,,easily6 ,the faults of commission are far more serious than those of omission2 regrets are seldom for what you left unsaid4 ,the chatterer reveals every corner of his shallow mind2 one who keeps silent can not have his depth plumbed4 ,don't pretend to know more than you do4 ,to say you have read a book and then seemingly to understand nothing of what you have read1 proves you a half-wit4 ,only the very small mind hesitates to say ,i don't know4 ,above all1 stop and think what you are saying6 ,this is really the first1 last and only rule4 ,if you stop you can't chatter or expound or flounder ceaselessly1 and if you think1 you will find a topic and a manner of presenting your topic so that your neighbor will be interested rather than long-suffering4 ,remember also that the sympathetic 7not apathetic7 listener is the delight of delights4 ,the person who looks glad to see you1 who is seemingly eager for your news1 or enthralled with your conversation2 who looks at you with a kindling of the face1 and gives you spontaneous and undivided attention1 is the one to whom the palm for the art of conversation would undoubtedly be awarded4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,words1 ,,phrases ,,and ,,pronunciation ,,phrases ,,avoided ,,in ,,good ,,society ,it is difficult to explain why well-bred people avoid certain words and expressions that are admitted by etymology and grammar4 ,so it must be merely stated that they have and undoubtedly always will avoid them4 ,moreover1 this choice of expression is not set forth in any printed guide or book on ,english1 though it is followed in all literature4 ,to liken ,best ,society to a fraternity1 with the avoidance of certain seemingly unimportant words as the sign of recognition1 is not a fantastic simile4 ,people of the fashionable world invariably use certain expressions and instinctively avoid others2 therefore when a stranger uses an avoided one he proclaims that he does not belong1 exactly as a pretended ,freemason proclaims himself an outsider by giving the wrong grip--or whatever it is by which ,brother ,masons recognize one another4 ,people of position are people of position the world over--and by their speech are most readily known4 ,appearance on the other hand often passes muster4 ,a show-girl may be lovely to look at as she stands in a seemingly unstudied position and in perfect clothes4 ,but let her say ,my ,gawd6 or ,wouldn't that jar you6 and where is her loveliness then8 ,and yet1 and this is the difficult part of the subject to make clear1 the most vulgar slang like that quoted above1 is scarcely worse than the attempted elegance which those unused to good society imagine to be the evidence of cultivation4 ,people who say ,i come1 and ,i seen it1 and ,i done it prove by their lack of grammar that they had little education in their youth4 ,unfortunate1 very2 but they may at the same time be brilliant1 exceptional characters1 loved by everyone who knows them1 because they are what they seem and nothing else4 ,but the caricature lady with the comic picture society manner who says ,pardon me and talks of retiring1 and residing1 and desiring1 and being acquainted with1 and attending this and that with her escort1 and curls her little finger over the handle of her teacup1 and prates of culture1 does not belong to ,best ,society1 and never will6 ,the offense of pretentiousness is committed oftener perhaps by women than by men1 who are usually more natural and direct4 ,a genuine1 sincere1 kindly ,american man--or woman--can go anywhere and be welcomed by everyone1 provided of course1 that he is a man of ability and intellect4 ,one finds him all over the world1 neither aping the manners of others nor treading on the sensibilities of those less fortunate than himself4 ,occasionally too1 there appears in ,best ,society a provincial in whose conversation is perceptible the influence of much reading of the ,bible4 ,such are seldom if ever stilted or pompous or long-worded1 but are invariably distinguished for the simplicity and dignity of their ,english4 ,there is no better way to cultivate taste in words1 than by constantly reading the best ,english4 ,none of the words and expressions which are taboo in good society will be found in books of proved literary standing4 ,but it must not be forgotten that there can be a vast difference between literary standing and popularity1 and that many of the best sellers have no literary merit whatsoever4 ,to be able to separate best ,english from merely good ,english needs a long process of special education1 but to recognize bad ,english one need merely skim through a page of a book1 and if a single expression in the left-hand column following can be found 7unless purposely quoted in illustration of vulgarity7 it is quite certain that the author neither writes best ,english nor belongs to ,best ,society4 ,,never ,,say3 ,,correct ,,form3 ,in our residence we retire ,at our house we go to bed early 7or arise7 early 7or get up7 ,i desire to purchase ,i should like to buy ,make you acquainted with 7,see ,introductions7 ,pardon me6 ,i beg your pardon4 ,or1 ,excuse me6 ,or1 sorry6 ,lovely food ,good food ,elegant home ,beautiful house--or place ,a stylish dresser ,she dresses well1 or she wears lovely clothes ,charmed6 or ,pleased to ,how do you do6 meet you6 ,attended ,went to ,i trust ,i am not trespassing ,i hope ,i am not in the way 7unless trespassing on private property is actually meant7 ,request 7meaning ask7 ,used only in the third person in formal written invitations4 ,will you accord me permission8 ,will you let me8 or ,may ,i8 ,permit me to assist you ,let me help you ,brainy ,brilliant or clever ,i presume ,i suppose ,tendered him a banquet ,gave him a dinner ,converse ,talk ,partook of liquid refreshment ,had something to drink ,perform ablutions ,wash ,a song entitled ,called 7proper if used in legal sense7 ,i will ascertain ,i will find out ,residence or mansion ,house1 or big house ,in the home ,in some one's house or ,at home ,phone1 photo1 auto ,telephone1 photograph1 automobile ,tintinnabulary summons1 meaning bell1 and ,bovine continuation1 meaning cow's tail1 are more amusing than offensive1 but they illustrate the theory of bad style that is pretentious4 ,as examples of the very worst offenses that can be committed1 the following are offered3 ,pray1 accept my thanks for the flattering ovation you have tendered me4 ,yes1 says the preposterous bride1 ,i am the recipient of many admired and highly prized gifts4 ,will you permit me to recall myself to you8 ,speaking of bridesmaids as pretty servitors1 dispensing hospitality1 asking any one to step this way4 ,many other expressions are provincial and one who seeks purity of speech should1 if possible1 avoid them1 but as offenses they are minor3 ,reckon1 guess1 calculate1 or figure1 meaning think4 ,allow1 meaning agree4 ,folks1 meaning family4 ,cute1 meaning pretty or winsome4 ,well1 ,i declare6 ',pon my word6 ,box party1 meaning sitting in a box at the theater4 ,visiting with1 meaning talking to4 ,there are certain words which have been singled out and misused by the undiscriminating until their value is destroyed4 ,long ago elegant was turned from a word denoting the essence of refinement and beauty1 into gaudy trumpery4 ,refined is on the verge4 ,but the pariah of the language is culture6 ,a word rarely used by those who truly possess it1 but so constantly misused by those who understand nothing of its meaning1 that it is becoming a synonym for vulgarity and imitation4 ,to speak of the proper use of a finger bowl or the ability to introduce two people without a blunder as being evidence of culture of the highest degree is precisely as though evidence of highest education were claimed for who ever can do sums in addition1 and read words of one syllable4 ,culture in its true meaning is widest possible education1 plus especial refinement and taste4 ,the fact that slang is apt and forceful makes its use irresistibly tempting4 ,coarse or profane slang is beside the mark1 but flivver1 taxi1 the movies1 deadly 7meaning dull71 feeling fit1 feeling blue1 grafter1 a fake1 grouch1 hunch and right o6 are typical of words that it would make our spoken language stilted to exclude4 ,all colloquial expressions are little foxes that spoil the grapes of perfect diction1 but they are very little foxes2 it is the false elegance of stupid pretentiousness that is an annihilating blight which destroys root and vine4 ,in the choice of words1 we can hardly find a better guide than the lines of ,alexander ,pope3 ,in words1 as fashions1 the same rule will hold2 ,alike fantastic1 if too new1 or old3 ,be not the first by whom the new are tried1 ,nor yet the last to lay the old aside4 ,,pronunciation ,traits of pronunciation which are typical of whole sections of the country1 or accents inherited from ,european parents must not be confused with crude pronunciations that have their origin in illiteracy4 ,a gentleman of ,irish blood may have a brogue as rich as plum cake1 or another's accent be soft ,southern or flat ,new ,england1 or rolling ,western2 and to each of these the utterance of the others may sound too flat1 too soft1 too harsh1 too refined1 or drawled1 or clipped short1 but not uncultivated4 ,to a ,new ,york ear1 which ought to be fairly unbiased since the ,new ,york accent is a composite of all accents1 ,english women chirrup and twitter4 ,but the beautifully modulated1 clear-clipped enunciation of a cultivated ,englishman1 one who can move his jaws and not swallow his words whole1 comes as near to perfection in ,english as the diction of the ,comdie ,franaise comes to perfection in ,french4 ,the ,boston accent is very crisp and in places suggestive of the best ,english but the vowels are so curiously flattened that the speech has a saltless effect4 ,there is no rhyming word as flat as the way they say heart--haht4 ,and bone and coat--bawn1 cawt1 to rhyme with awe6 ,then ,south1 there is too much salt--rather too much sugar4 ,every one's mouth seems full of it1 with ,i turned to ah and every staccato a drawl4 ,but the voices are full of sweetness and music unknown north of the ,potomac4 ,the ,pennsylvania burr is perhaps the mother of the ,western one4 ,it is strong enough to have mothered all the r's in the wor-r-rld6 ,philadelphia's haow and caow for how and cow1 and me for my is quite as bad as the water-r and thot of the ,west4 ,n',yawk is supposed to say yeh and ,omurica and ,toosdeh1 and puddin'4 ,probably five per cent4 of it does1 but as a whole it has no accent1 since it is a composite of all in one4 ,in best ,new ,york society there is perhaps a generally accepted pronunciation which seems chiefly an elimination of the accents of other sections4 ,probably that is what all people think of their own pronunciation4 ,or do they not know1 whether their inflection is right or wrong8 ,nothing should be simpler to determine4 ,if they pronounce according to a standard dictionary1 they are correct2 if they don't1 they have an accent or are ignorant2 it is for them to determine which4 ,such differences as between saying wash or wawsh1 advertisement or advertisement are of small importance4 ,but no one who makes the least pretence of being a person of education says3 kep for kept1 genelmun or gempmun or laydee1 vawde-vil1 or eye-talian4 ,,how ,,to ,,cultivate ,,an ,,agreeable ,,speech ,first of all1 remember that while affectation is odious1 crudeness must be overcome4 ,a low voice is always pleasing1 not whispered or murmured1 but low in pitch4 ,do not talk at the top of your head1 nor at the top of your lungs4 ,do not slur whole sentences together2 on the other hand1 do not pronounce as though each syllable were a separate tongue and lip exercise4 ,as a nation we do not talk so much too fast1 as too loud4 ,tens of thousands twang and slur and shout and burr6 ,many of us drawl and many others of us race tongues and breath at full speed1 but1 as already said1 the speed of our speech does not matter so much4 ,pitch of voice matters very much and so does pronunciation--enunciation is not so essential--except to one who speaks in public4 ,enunciation means the articulation of whatever you have to say distinctly and clearly4 ,pronunciation is the proper sounding of consonants1 vowels and the accentuation of each syllable4 ,there is no better way to cultivate a perfect pronunciation2 apart from association with cultivated people1 than by getting a small pronouncing dictionary of words in ordinary use1 and reading it word by word1 marking and studying any that you use frequently and mispronounce4 ,when you know them1 then read any book at random slowly aloud to yourself1 very carefully pronouncing each word4 ,the consciousness of this exercise may make you stilted in conversation at first1 but by and by the sense or impulse to speak correctly will come4 ,this is a method that has been followed by many men handicapped in youth through lack of education1 who have become prominent in public life1 and by many women1 who likewise handicapped by circumstances1 have not only made possible a creditable position for themselves1 but have then given their children the inestimable advantage of learning their mother tongue correctly at their mother's knee4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,one',s ,,position ,,in ,,the ,,community ,,the ,,choice ,first of all1 it is necessary to decide what one's personal idea of position is1 whether this word suggests merely a social one1 comprising a large or an exclusive acquaintance and leadership in social gaiety1 or position established upon the foundation of communal consequence1 which may1 or may not1 include great social gaiety4 ,in other words1 you who are establishing yourself1 either as a young husband or a stranger1 would you1 if you could have your wish granted by a genie1 choose to have the populace look upon you askance and in awe1 because of your wealth and elegance1 or would you wish to be loved1 not as a power conferring favors which belong really to the first picture1 but as a fellow-being with an understanding heart8 ,the granting of either wish is not a bit beyond the possibilities of anyone4 ,it is merely a question of depositing securities of value in the bank of life4 ,,the ,,bank ,,of ,,life ,life1 whether social or business1 is a bank in which you deposit certain funds of character1 intellect and heart2 or other funds of egotism1 hard-heartedness and unconcern2 or deposit--nothing6 ,and the bank honors your deposit1 and no more4 ,in other words1 you can draw nothing out but what you have put in4 ,if your community is to give you admiration and honor1 it is merely necessary to be admirable and honorable4 ,the more you put in1 the more will be paid out to you4 ,it is too trite to put on paper6 ,but it is astonishing1 isn't it1 how many people who are depositing nothing whatever1 expect to be paid in admiration and respect8 ,a man of really high position is always a great citizen first and above all4 ,otherwise he is a hollow puppet whether he is a millionaire or has scarcely a dime to bless himself with4 ,in the same way1 a woman's social position that is built on sham1 vanity1 and selfishness1 is like one of the buildings at an exposition2 effective at first sight1 but bound when slightly weather-beaten to show stucco and glue4 ,it would be very presumptuous to attempt to tell any man how to acquire the highest position in his community1 especially as the answer is written in his heart1 his intellect1 his altruistic sympathy1 and his ardent civic pride4 ,a subject1 however1 that is not so serious or over-aweing1 and which can perhaps have directions written for it1 is the lesser ambition of acquiring a social position4 ,,taking ,,or ,,acquiring ,a ,,social ,,position ,a bride whose family or family-in-law has social position has merely to take that which is hers by inheritance2 but a stranger who comes to live in a new place1 or one who has always lived in a community but unknown to society1 have both to acquire a standing of their own4 ,for example3 ,,the ,,bride ,,of ,,good ,,family ,the bride of good family need do nothing on her own initiative4 ,after her marriage when she settles down in her own house or apartment1 everyone who was asked to her wedding breakfast or reception1 and even many who were only bidden to the church1 call on her4 ,she keeps their cards1 enters them in a visiting or ordinary alphabetically indexed blank book1 and within two weeks she returns each one of their calls4 ,as it is etiquette for everyone when calling for the first time on a bride1 to ask if she is in1 the bride1 in returning her first calls1 should do likewise4 ,as a matter of fact1 a bride assumes the intimate visiting list of both her own and her husband's families1 whether they call on her or not4 ,by and by1 if she gives a general tea or ball1 she can invite whom1 among them1 she wants to4 ,she should not1 however1 ask any mere acquaintances of her family to her house1 until they have first invited her and her husband to theirs4 ,but if she would like to invite intimate friends of her own or of her husband1 or of her family1 there is no valid reason why she should not do so4 ,usually when a bride and groom return from their wedding trip1 all their personal friends and those of their respective parents1 give parties for them4 ,and from being seen at one house1 they are invited to another4 ,if they go nowhere1 they do not lose position but they are apt to be overlooked until people remember them by seeing them4 ,but it is not at all necessary for young people to entertain in order to be asked out a great deal2 they need merely be attractive and have engaging manners to be as popular as heart could wish4 ,but they must make it a point to be considerate of everyone and never fail to take the trouble to go up with a smiling ,how do you do to every older lady who has been courteous enough to invite them to her house4 ,that is not toadying1 it is being merely polite4 ,to go up and gush is a very different matter1 and to go up and gush over a prominent hostess who has never invited them to her house1 is toadying and of a very cheap variety4 ,a really well-bred person is as charming as possible to all1 but effusive to none1 and shows no difference in manner either1 to the high or to the lowly when they are of equally formal acquaintance4 ,,the ,,bride ,,who ,,is ,a ,,stranger ,the bride who is a stranger1 but whose husband is well known in the town to which he brings her1 is in much the same position as the bride noted above1 in that her husband's friends call on her2 she returns their visits1 and many of them invite her to their house4 ,but it then devolves upon her to make herself liked1 otherwise she will find herself in a community of many acquaintances but no friends4 ,the best ingredients for likeableness are a happy expression of countenance1 an unaffected manner1 and a sympathetic attitude4 ,if she is so fortunate as to possess these attributes her path will have roses enough4 ,but a young woman with an affected pose and bad or conceited manners1 will find plenty of thorns4 ,equally unsuccessful is she with a chip-on-her-shoulder who1 coming from ,new ,york for instance1 to live in ,brightmeadows1 insists upon dragging ,new ,york sky-scrapers into every comparison with ,brightmeadows' new six-storied building4 ,she might better pack her trunks and go back where she came from4 ,nor should the bride from ,brightmeadows who has married a ,new ,yorker1 flaunt ,brightmeadows standards or customs1 and tell ,mrs4 ,worldly that she does not approve of a lady's smoking6 ,maybe she doesn't and she may be quite right1 and she should not under the circumstances smoke herself2 but she should not make a display of intolerance1 or she1 too1 had better take the first train back home1 since she is likely to find ,new ,york very1 very lonely4 ,,how ,,total ,,strangers ,,acquire ,,social ,,standing ,when new people move into a community1 bringing letters of introduction to prominent citizens1 they arrive with an already made position1 which ranks in direct proportion to the standing of those who wrote the introductions4 ,since1 however1 no one but persons of position are eligible to letters of importance1 there would be no question of acquiring position--which they have--but merely of adding to their acquaintance4 ,as said in another chapter1 people of position are people of position the world over1 and all the cities strung around the whole globe are like so many chapter-houses of a brotherhood1 to which letters of introduction open the doors4 ,however1 this is off the subject1 which is to advise those who have no position1 or letters1 how to acquire the former4 ,it is a long and slow road to travel1 particularly long and slow for a man and his wife in a big city4 ,in ,new ,york people could live in the same house for generations1 and do1 and not have their next door neighbor know them even by sight4 ,but no other city1 except ,london1 is as unaware as that4 ,when people move to a new city1 or town1 it is usually because of business4 ,the husband at least makes business acquaintances1 but the wife is left alone4 ,the only thing for her to do is to join the church of her denomination1 and become interested in some activity2 not only as an opening wedge to acquaintanceships and possibly intimate friendships1 but as an occupation and a respite from loneliness4 ,her social position is gained usually at a snail's pace--nor should she do anything to hurry it4 ,if she is a real person1 if she has qualities of mind and heart1 if she has charming manners1 sooner or later a certain position will come1 and in proportion to her eligibility4 ,one of the ladies with whom she works in church1 having gradually learned to like her1 asks her to her house4 ,nothing may ever come of this1 but another one also inviting her1 may bring an introduction to a third1 who takes a fancy to her4 ,this third lady also invites her where she meets an acquaintance she has already made on one of the two former occasions1 and this acquaintance in turn invites her4 ,by the time she has met the same people several times1 they gradually1 one by one1 offer to go and see her1 or ask her to come and see them4 ,one inviolable rule she must not forget3 it is fatal to be pushing or presuming4 ,she must remain dignified always1 natural and sympathetic when anyone approaches her1 but she should not herself approach any one more than half way4 ,a smile1 the more friendly the better1 is never out of place1 but after smiling1 she should pass on6 ,never grin weakly1 and--cling6 ,if she is asked to go to see a lady1 it is quite right to go4 ,but not again1 until the lady has returned the visit1 or asked her to her house4 ,and if admitted when making a first visit1 she should remember not to stay more than twenty minutes at most1 since it is always wiser to make others sorry to have her leave than run the risk of having the hostess wonder why her visitor doesn't know enough to go6 ,,the ,,entrance ,,of ,,an ,,outsider ,the outsider enters society by the same path1 but it is steeper and longer because there is an outer gate of reputation called ,they are not people of any position which is difficult to unlatch4 ,nor is it ever unlatched to those who sit at the gate rattling at the bars1 or plaintively peering in4 ,the better1 and the only way if she has not the key of birth1 is through study to make herself eligible4 ,meanwhile1 charitable1 or civic work1 will give her interest and occupation as well as throw her with ladies of good breeding1 by association with whom she can not fail to acquire some of those qualities of manner before which the gates of society always open4 ,,when ,,position ,,has ,,been ,,established ,when her husband belongs to a club1 or perhaps she does too1 and the neighbors are friendly and those of social importance have called on her and asked her to their houses1 a newcomer does not have to stand so exactly on the chalk line of ceremony as in returning her first visits and sending out her first invitations4 ,after people have dined with each other several times1 it is not at all important to consider whether an invitation is owed or paid several times over4 ,she who is hospitably inclined can ask people half a dozen times to their once if she wants to1 and they show their friendliness by coming4 ,nor need visits be paid in alternate order4 ,once she is really accepted by people she can be as friendly as she chooses4 ,when ,mrs4 ,oldname calls on ,mrs4 ,stranger the first time1 the latter may do nothing but call in return2 it would be the height of presumption to invite one of conspicuous prominence until she has first been invited by her4 ,nor may the ,strangers ask the ,oldnames to dine after being merely invited to a tea4 ,but when ,mrs4 ,oldname asks ,mrs4 ,stranger to lunch1 the latter might then invite the former to dinner1 after which1 if they accept1 the ,strangers can continue to invite them on occasion1 whether they are invited in turn or not2 especially if the ,strangers are continually entertaining1 and the ,oldnames are not4 ,but on no account must the ,strangers' parties be arranged solely for the benefit of any particular fashionables4 ,the ,strangers can also invite to a party any children whom their own children know at school1 and ,mrs4 ,stranger can quite properly go to fetch her own children from a party to which their schoolmates invited them4 ,,money ,,not ,,essential ,,to ,,social ,,position ,bachelors1 unless they are very well off1 are not expected to give parties2 nor for that matter are very young couples4 ,all hostesses go on asking single men and young people to their houses without it ever occurring to them that any return other than politeness should be made4 ,there are many couples1 not necessarily in the youngest set either1 who are tremendously popular in society in spite of the fact that they give no parties at all4 ,the ,lovejoys1 for instance1 who are clamored for everywhere1 have every attribute--except money4 ,with fewer clothes perhaps than any fashionable young woman in ,new ,york1 she can't compete with ,mrs4 ,bobo ,gilding or ,constance ,style for smartness but1 as ,mrs4 ,worldly remarked3 ,what would be the use of ,celia ,lovejoy's beauty if it depended upon continual variation in clothes8 ,the only entertaining the ,lovejoys ever do is limited to afternoon tea and occasional welsh-rarebit suppers4 ,but they return every bit of hospitality shown them by helping to make a party go wherever they are4 ,both are amusing1 both are interesting1 both do everything well4 ,they can't afford to play cards for money1 but they both play a very good game and the table is delighted to carry them1 or they play at the same table against each other4 ,this1 by the way1 is another illustration of the conduct of a gentleman2 if young ,lovejoy played for money he would win undoubtedly in the long run because he plays unusually well1 but to use card-playing as a means of making money would be contrary to the ethics of a gentleman1 just as playing for more than can be afforded turns a game into gambling4 ,,an ,,elusive ,,point ,,essential ,,to ,,social ,,success ,the sense of whom to invite with whom is one of the most important1 and elusive1 points in social knowledge4 ,the possession or lack of it is responsible more than anything else for the social success of one woman1 and the failure of another4 ,and as it is almost impossible1 without advice1 for any stranger anywhere to know which people like or dislike each other1 the would-be hostess must either by means of natural talent or more likely by trained attention1 read the signs of liking or prejudice much as a woodsman reads a message in every broken twig or turned leaf4 ,one who can read expression1 perceives at a glance the difference between friendliness and polite aloofness4 ,when a lady is unusually silent1 strictly impersonal in conversation1 and entirely unapproachable1 something is not to her liking4 ,the question is1 what8 ,or usually1 whom8 ,the greatest blunder possible would be to ask her what the matter is4 ,the cause of annoyance is probably that she finds someone distasteful and it should not be hard for one whose faculties are not asleep to discover the offender and if possible separate them1 or at least never ask them together again4 ,,chapter ,x ,,cards ,,and ,,visits ,,usefulness ,,of ,,cards ,who was it that said--in the ,victorian era probably1 and a man of course--,the only mechanical tool ever needed by a woman is a hair-pin8 ,he might have added that with a hair-pin and a visiting card1 she is ready to meet most emergencies4 ,although the principal use of a visiting card1 at least the one for which it was originally invented--to be left as an evidence of one person's presence at the house of another--is going gradually out of ardent favor in fashionable circles1 its usefulness seems to keep a nicely adjusted balance4 ,in ,new ,york1 for instance1 the visiting card has entirely taken the place of the written note of invitation to informal parties of every description4 ,messages of condolence or congratulation are written on it2 it is used as an endorsement in the giving of an order2 it is even tacked on the outside of express boxes4 ,the only employment of it which is not as flourishing as formerly is its being left in quantities and with frequency at the doors of acquaintances4 ,this will be explained further on4 ,a ,,card',s ,,size ,,and ,,engraving ,the card of a lady is usually from about #b-c_/d to #c-a_/b inches wide1 by #b to #b-c_/d inches high1 but there is no fixed rule4 ,the card of a young girl is smaller and more nearly square in shape4 7,about #b inches high by #b-a_/b or #b-e_/h inches long1 depending upon the length of the name47 ,young girls use smaller cards than older ladies4 ,a gentleman's card is long and narrow1 from #b-g_/h to #c-a_/d inches long1 and from #a-a_/d to #a-e_/h inches high4 ,all visiting cards are engraved on white unglazed bristol board1 which may be of medium thickness or thin1 as one fancies4 ,a few years ago there was a fad for cards as thin as writing paper1 but one seldom sees them in ,america now4 ,the advantage of a thin card is that a greater quantity may be carried easily4 ,the engraving most in use to-day is shaded block4 ,script is seldom seen1 but it is always good form and so is plain block1 but with the exception of old ,english all ornate lettering should be avoided4 ,all people who live in cities should have the address in the lower right corner1 engraved in smaller letters than the name4 ,in the country1 addresses are not important1 as every one knows where every one else lives4 ,people who have town and country houses usually have separate cards1 though not necessarily a separate plate4 ,,economical ,,engraving ,the economically inclined can have several varieties of cards printed from one plate4 ,the cards would vary somewhat in size in order to center the wording4 ,example3 ,the plate3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding ,miss ,gilding #jj ,,fifth ,,avenue ,,golden ,,hall may be printed4 ,miss ,gilding's name should never appear on a card with both her mother's and father's1 so her name being out of line under the ,mr4 and ,mrs4 engraving makes no difference4 or ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding ,,golden ,,hall or ,mrs4 ,gilding ,miss ,gilding #jj ,,fifth ,,avenue or ,mrs4 ,gilding ,,golden ,,hall ,the personal card is in a measure an index of one's character4 ,a fantastic or garish note in the type effect1 in the quality or shape of the card1 betrays a lack of taste in the owner of the card4 ,it is not customary for a married man to have a club address on his card1 and it would be serviceable only in giving a card of introduction to a business acquaintance1 under social rather than business circumstances1 or in paying a formal call upon a political or business associate4 ,unmarried men often use no other address than that of a club2 especially if they live in bachelor's quarters1 but young men who live at home use their home address4 ,,correct ,,names ,,and ,,titles ,to be impeccably correct1 initials should not be engraved on a visiting card4 ,a gentleman's card should read3 ,mr4 ,john ,hunter ,titherington ,smith1 but since names are sometimes awkwardly long1 and it is the ,american custom to cling to each and every one given in baptism1 he asserts his possessions by representing each one with an initial1 and engraves his cards ,mr4 ,john ,h4,t4 ,smith1 or ,mr4 ,j4,h4 ,titherington ,smith1 as suits his fancy4 ,so1 although1 according to high authorities1 he should drop a name or two and be ,mr4 ,hunter ,smith1 or ,mr4 ,titherington ,smith1 it is very likely that to the end of time the ,american man1 and necessarily his wife1 who must use the name as he does1 will go on cherishing initials4 ,and a widow no less than a married woman should always continue to use her husband's ,christian name1 or his name and another initial1 engraved on her cards4 ,she is ,mrs4 ,john ,hunter ,titherington ,smith1 or1 to compromise1 ,mrs4 ,j4,h4 ,titherington ,smith1 but she is never ,mrs4 ,sarah ,smith2 at least not anywhere in good society4 ,in business and in legal matters a woman is necessarily addressed by her own ,christian name1 because she uses it in her signature4 ,but no one should ever address an envelope1 except from a bank or a lawyer's office1 ,mrs4 ,sarah ,smith4 ,when a widow's son1 who has the name of his father1 marries1 the widow has ,sr4 added to her own name1 or if she is the head of the family1 she very often omits all ,christian names1 and has her card engraved ,mrs4 ,smith1 and the son's wife calls herself ,mrs4 ,john ,hunter ,smith4 ,smith is not a very good name as an example1 since no one could very well claim the distinction of being the ,mrs4 ,smith4 ,it1 however1 illustrates the point4 ,for the daughter-in-law to continue to use a card with ,jr4 on it when her husband no longer uses ,jr4 on his1 is a mistake made by many people4 ,a wife always bears the name of her husband4 ,to have a man and his mother use cards engraved respectively ,mr4 ,j4,h4 ,smith and ,mrs4 ,j4,h4 ,smith and the son's wife a card engraved ,mrs4 ,j4,h4 ,smith1 ,jr41 would announce to whomever the three cards were left upon1 that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith and their daughter-in-law had called4 ,the cards of a young girl after she is sixteen have always ,miss before her name1 which must be her real and never a nick-name3 ,miss ,sarah ,smith1 not ,miss ,sally ,smith4 ,the fact that a man's name has ,jr4 added at the end in no way takes the place of ,mr4 ,his card should be engraved ,mr4 ,john ,hunter ,smith1 ,jr41 and his wife's ,mrs4 ,john ,hunter ,smith1 ,jr4 ,some people have the ,jr4 written out1 junior4 ,it is not spelled with a capital ,j if written in full4 ,a boy puts ,mr4 on his cards when he leaves school1 though many use cards without ,mr4 on them while in college4 ,a doctor1 or a judge1 or a minister1 or a military officer have their cards engraved with the abbreviation of their title3 ,dr4 ,henry ,gordon2 ,judge ,horace ,rush2 ,the ,rev4 ,william ,goode2 ,col4 ,thomas ,doyle4 ,the double card reads3 ,dr4 and ,mrs4 ,henry ,gordon2 ,hon4 and ,mrs41 etc4 ,a woman who has divorced her husband retains the legal as well as the social right to use her husband's full name1 in ,new ,york ,state at least4 ,usually she prefers1 if her name was ,alice ,green1 to call herself ,mrs4 ,green ,smith2 not ,mrs4 ,alice ,smith1 and on no account ,mrs4 ,alice ,green--unless she wishes to give the impression that she was the guilty one in the divorce4 ,,children',s ,,cards ,that very little children should have visiting cards is not so silly as might at first thought be supposed4 ,to acquire perfect manners1 and those graces of deportment that ,lord ,chesterfield so ardently tried to instil into his son1 training can not begin early enough1 since it is through lifelong familiarity with the niceties of etiquette that much of the distinction of those to the manner born is acquired4 ,many mothers think it good training for children to have their own cards1 which they are taught not so much to leave upon each other after parties1 as to send with gifts upon various occasions4 ,at the rehearsal of a wedding1 the tiny twin flower girls came carrying their wedding present for the bride between them1 to which they had themselves attached their own small visiting cards4 ,one card was bordered and engraved in pink1 and the other bordered and engraved in blue1 and the address on each read ,chez ,maman4 ,and in going to see a new baby cousin each brought a small #ahcj bouquet1 and sent to their aunt their cards1 on which1 after seeing the baby1 one had printed ,he is very little1 and the other1 ,it has a red face4 ,this shows that if modern society believes in beginning social training in the nursery1 it does not believe in hampering a child's natural expression4 ,,special ,,cards ,,and ,,when ,,to ,,use ,,them ,the double card1 reading ,mr4 and ,mrs41 is sent with a wedding present1 or with flowers to a funeral1 or with flowers to a dbutante1 and is also used in paying formal visits4 ,the card on which a dbutante's name is engraved under that of her mother1 is used most frequently when no coming-out entertainment has been given for the daughter4 ,her name on her mother's card announces1 wherever it is left1 that the daughter is grown and eligible for invitations4 ,in the same way a mother may leave her son's card with her own upon any of her own friends--especially upon those likely to entertain for young people4 ,this is the custom if a young man has been away at school and college for so long that he has not a large acquaintance of his own4 ,it is1 however1 correct under any circumstances when formally leaving cards to leave those of all sons and daughters who are grown4 ,,the ,p4,p4,c4 ,,card ,this is merely a visiting card1 whether of a lady or a gentleman1 on which the initials ,p4,p4,c4 7pour prendre cong--to take leave7 are written in ink in the lower left corner4 ,this is usually left at the door1 or sent by mail to acquaintances1 when one is leaving for the season1 or for good4 ,it never takes the place of a farewell visit when one has received especial courtesy1 nor is it in any sense a message of thanks for especial kindness4 ,in either of these instances1 a visit should be paid or a note of farewell and thanks written4 ,,cards ,,of ,,new ,,or ,,temporary ,,address ,in cities where there is no ,social ,register or other printed society list1 one notifies acquaintances of a change of address by mailing a visiting card4 ,cards are also sent1 with a temporary address written in ink1 when one is in a strange city and wishes to notify friends where one is stopping4 ,it is also quite correct for a lady to mail her card with her temporary address written on it to any gentleman whom she would care to see1 and who she is sure would like to see her4 ,,when ,,cards ,,are ,,sent ,when not intending to go to a tea or a wedding reception 7the invitation to which did not have ,r4s4v4p4 on it and require an answer71 one should mail cards to the hostess so as to arrive on the morning of the entertainment4 ,to a tea given for a dbutante cards are enclosed in one envelope and addressed3 ,mrs4 ,gilding ,miss ,gilding #jj ,fifth ,avenue ,new ,york ,for a wedding reception1 cards are sent to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ----1 the mother and father of the bride1 and another set of cards sent to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ----1 the bride and bridegroom4 ,,the ,,visit ,,of ,,empty ,,form ,not so many years ago1 a lady or gentleman1 young girl or youth1 who failed to pay her or his party call after having been invited to ,mrs4 ,social-,leader's ball was left out of her list when she gave her next one4 ,for the old-fashioned hostess kept her visiting list with the precision of a bookkeeper in a bank2 everyone's credit was entered or cancelled according to the presence of her or his cards in the card receiver4 ,young people who liked to be asked to her house were apt to leave an extra one at the door1 on occasion1 so that theirs should not be among the missing when the new list for the season was made up--especially as the more important old ladies were very quick to strike a name off1 but seldom if ever known to put one back4 ,but about twenty years ago the era of informality set in and has been gaining ground ever since4 ,in certain cities old-fashioned hostesses1 it is said1 exclude delinquents4 ,but ,new ,york is too exotic and intractable1 and the too exacting hostess is likely to find her tapestried rooms rather empty1 while the younger world of fashion flocks to the crystal-fountained ballroom of the new ,spendeasy ,westerns4 ,and then1 too1 life holds so many other diversions and interests for the very type of youth which of necessity is the vital essence of all social gaiety4 ,society can have distinction and dignity without youth--but not gaiety4 ,the country with its outdoor sports1 its freedom from exacting conventions1 has gradually deflected the interest of the younger fashionables1 until at present they care very little whether ,mrs4 ,toplofty and ,mrs4 ,social-,leader ask them to their balls or not4 ,they are glad enough to go1 of course1 but they don't care enough for invitations to pay dull visits and to live up to the conventions of manners that old-fashioned hostesses demand4 ,and as these rebels are invariably the most attractive and the most eligible youths1 it has become almost an issue2 a hostess must in many cases either invite none but older people and the few young girls and men whose mothers have left cards for them1 or ignore convention and invite the rebels4 ,in trying to find out where the present indifference started1 many ascribe it to ,bobo ,gilding1 to whom entering a great drawing-room was more suggestive of the daily afternoon tea ordeal of his early nursery days1 than a voluntary act of pleasure4 ,he was long ago one of the first to rebel against old ,mrs4 ,toplofty's exactions of party calls1 by saying he did not care in the least whether his great-aunt ,jane ,toplofty invited him to her stodgy old ball or not4 ,and then ,lucy ,wellborn 7the present ,mrs4 ,bobo ,gilding7 did not care much to go either if none of her particular men friends were to be there4 ,little she cared to dance the cotillion with old ,colonel ,bluffington or to go to supper with that odious ,hector ,newman4 ,and so1 beginning first with a few gilded youths1 then including young society1 the habit has spread until the obligatory paying of visits by young girls and men has almost joined the once universal day at home as belonging to a past age4 ,do not understand by this that visits are never paid on other occasions4 ,visits to strangers1 visits of condolence1 and of other courtesies are still paid1 quite as punctiliously as ever4 ,but within the walls of society itself1 the visit of formality is decreasing4 ,one might almost say that in certain cities society has become a family affair4 ,its walls are as high as ever1 higher perhaps to outsiders1 but among its own members1 such customs as keeping visiting lists and having days at home1 or even knowing who owes a visit to whom1 is not only unobserved but is unheard of4 ,but because punctilious card-leaving1 visiting1 and days at home have gone out of fashion in ,new ,york1 is no reason why these really important observances should not be1 or are not1 in the height of fashion elsewhere4 ,nor1 on the other hand1 must anyone suppose because the younger fashionables in ,new ,york pay few visits and never have days at home1 that they are a bit less careful about the things which they happen to consider essential to good-breeding4 ,the best type of young men pay few1 if any1 party calls1 because they work and they exercise1 and whatever time is left over1 if any1 is spent in their club or at the house of a young woman1 not tte-a-tte1 but invariably playing bridge4 ,the ,sunday afternoon visits that the youth of another generation used always to pay1 are unknown in this1 because every man who can1 spends the week-end in the country4 ,it is scarcely an exaggeration to say that not alone men1 but many young married women of highest social position1 except to send with flowers or wedding presents1 do not use a dozen visiting cards a year4 ,but there are circumstances when even the most indifferent to social obligations must leave cards4 ,,when ,,cards ,,must ,,be ,,left ,etiquette absolutely demands that one leave a card within a few days after taking a first meal in a lady's house2 or if one has for the first time been invited to lunch or dine with strangers1 it is inexcusably rude not to leave a card upon them1 whether one accepted the invitation or not4 ,one must also unfailingly return a first call1 even if one does not care for the acquaintance4 ,only a real cause can excuse the affront to an innocent stranger that the refusal to return a first call would imply4 ,if one does not care to continue the acquaintance1 one need not pay a second visit4 ,also a card is always left with a first invitation4 ,supposing ,miss ,philadelphia takes a letter of introduction to ,mrs4 ,newport--,mrs4 ,newport1 inviting ,miss ,philadelphia to her house1 would not think of sending her invitation without also leaving her card4 ,good form demands that a visit be paid before issuing a first invitation4 ,sometimes a note of explanation is sent asking that the formality be waived1 but it is never disregarded1 except in the case of an invitation from an older lady to a young girl4 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 for instance1 who has known ,jim ,smartlington always1 might1 instead of calling on ,mary ,smith1 to whom his engagement is announced1 write her a note1 asking her to lunch or dinner4 ,but in inviting ,mrs4 ,greatlake of ,chicago she would leave her card with her invitation at ,mrs4 ,greatlake's hotel4 ,it seems scarcely necessary to add that anyone not entirely heartless must leave a card on1 or send flowers to1 an acquaintance who has suffered a recent bereavement4 ,one should also leave cards of inquiry or send flowers to sick people4 ,,invitation ,,in ,,place ,,of ,,returned ,,visit ,books on etiquette seem agreed that sending an invitation does not cancel the obligation of paying a visit--which may be technically correct--but fashionable people1 who are in the habit of lunching or dining with each other two or three times a season1 pay no attention to visits whatever4 ,mrs4 ,norman calls on ,mrs4 ,gilding4 ,mrs4 ,gilding invites the ,normans to dinner4 ,they go4 ,a short time afterward ,mrs4 ,norman invites the ,gildings--or the ,gildings very likely again invite the ,normans4 ,some evening at all events1 the ,gildings dine with the ,normans4 ,someday1 if ,mrs4 ,gilding happens to be leaving cards1 she may leave them at the ,normans--or she may not4 ,some people leave cards almost like the hares in a paper chase2 others seldom if ever do4 ,except on the occasions mentioned in the paragraph before this1 or unless there is an illness1 a death1 a birth1 or a marriage1 people in society invite each other to their houses and don't leave cards at all4 ,nor do they ever consider whose turn it is to invite whom4 ,,not ,,at ,,home ,when a servant at a door says ,not at home1 this phrase means that the lady of the house is ,not at home to visitors4 ,this answer neither signifies nor implies--nor is it intended to--that ,mrs4 ,jones is out of the house4 ,some people say ,not receiving1 which means actually the same thing1 but the not at home is infinitely more polite2 since in the former you know she is in the house but won't see you1 whereas in the latter case you have the pleasant uncertainty that it is quite possible she is out4 ,to be told ,mrs4 ,jones is at home but doesn't want to see you1 would certainly be unpleasant4 ,and to beg to be excused--except in a case of illness or bereavement--has something very suggestive of a cold shoulder4 ,but not at home means that she is not sitting in the drawing room behind her tea tray2 that and nothing else4 ,she may be out or she may be lying down or otherwise occupied4 ,nor do people of the world find the slightest objection if a hostess1 happening to recognize the visitor as a particular friend1 calls out1 ,do come in6 ,i am at home to you6 ,anyone who talks about this phrase as being a white lie either doesn't understand the meaning of the words1 or is going very far afield to look for untruth4 ,to be consistent1 these over-literals should also exact that when a guest inadvertently knocks over a tea cup and stains a sofa1 the hostess instead of saying ,it is nothing at all6 ,please don't worry about it1 ought for the sake of truth to say1 ,see what your clumsiness has done6 ,you have ruined my sofa6 ,and when someone says ,how are you8 instead of answering ,very well1 thank you1 the same truthful one should perhaps take an hour by the clock and mention every symptom of indisposition that she can accurately subscribe to4 ,while not at home is merely a phrase of politeness1 to say ,i am out after a card has been brought to you is both an untruth and an inexcusable rudeness4 ,or to have an inquiry answered1 ,i don't know1 but ,i'll see1 and then to have the servant1 after taking a card1 come back with the message ,mrs4 ,jones is out can not fail to make the visitor feel rebuffed4 ,once a card has been admitted1 the visitor must be admitted also1 no matter how inconvenient receiving her may be4 ,you may send a message that you are dressing but will be very glad to see her if she can wait ten minutes4 ,the visitor can either wait or say she is pressed for time4 ,but if she does not wait1 then she is rather discourteous4 ,therefore1 it is of the utmost importance always to leave directions at the door such as1 ,mrs4 ,jones is not at home4 ,miss ,jones will be home at five o'clock1 ,mrs4 ,jones will be home at #e4cj1 or ,mrs4 ,jones is at home in the library to intimate friends1 but not at home in the drawing-room to acquaintances4 ,it is a nuisance to be obliged to remember either to turn an in and out card in the hail1 or to ring a bell and say1 ,i am going out1 and again1 ,i have come in4 ,but whatever plan or arrangement you choose1 no one at your front door should be left in doubt and then repulsed4 ,it is not only bad manners1 it is bad housekeeping4 ,,the ,,old-,,fashioned ,,day ,,at ,,home ,it is doubtful if the present generation of ,new ,yorkers knows what a day at home is6 ,but their mothers1 at least1 remember the time when the fashionable districts were divided into regular sections1 wherein on a given day in the week1 the whole neighborhood was at home4 ,friday sounds familiar as the day for ,washington ,square6 ,and was it ,monday for lower ,fifth ,avenue8 ,at all events1 each neighborhood on the day of its own1 suggested a local fte4 ,ladies in visiting dresses with trains and bonnets and nose-veils and tight gloves1 holding card cases1 tripped demurely into this house1 out of that1 and again into another2 and there were always many broughams and victorias slowly exercising up and down1 and very smart footmen standing with maroon or tan or fur rugs over their arms in front of ,mrs4 ,wellborn's house or ,mrs4 ,oldname's1 or the big house of ,mrs4 ,toplofty at the corner of ,fifth ,avenue4 ,it must have been enchanting to be a grown person in those days6 ,enchanting also were the ,c-spring victorias1 as was life in general that was taken at a slow carriage pace and not at the motor speed of to-day4 ,the day at home is still in fashion in ,washington1 and it is ardently to be hoped that it also flourishes in many cities and towns throughout the country or that it will be revived1 for it is a delightful custom--though more in keeping with ,europe than ,america1 which does not care for gentle paces once it has tasted swift4 ,a certain young ,new ,york hostess announced that she was going to stay home on ,saturday afternoons4 ,but the men went to the country and the women to the opera1 and she gave it up4 ,there are a few old-fashioned ladies1 living in old-fashioned houses1 and still staying at home in the old-fashioned way to old-fashioned friends who for decades have dropped in for a cup of tea and a chat4 ,and there are two maiden ladies in particular1 joint chatelaines of an imposingly beautiful old house where1 on a certain afternoon of the week1 if you come in for tea1 you are sure to meet not alone those prominent in the world of fashion1 but a fair admixture of artists1 scientists1 authors2 inventors1 distinguished strangers--in a word ,best ,society in its truest sense4 ,but days at home such as these are not easily duplicated2 for few houses possess a salon atmosphere1 and few hostesses achieve either the social talent or the wide cultivation necessary to attract and interest so varied and brilliant a company4 ,,modern ,,card ,,leaving3 ,a ,,questionable ,,act ,,of ,,politeness ,the modern ,new ,york fashion in card-leaving is to dash as fast as possible from house to house1 sending the chauffeur up the steps with cards1 without ever asking if anyone is home4 ,some butlers announce ,not at home from force of habit even when no question is asked4 ,there are occasions when the visitors must ask to see the hostess 7see page #hh72 but cards are left without asking whether a lady is at home under the following circumstances3 ,cards are left on the mother of the bride1 after a wedding1 also on the mother of the groom4 ,cards are also left after any formal invitation4 ,having been asked to lunch or dine with a lady whom you know but slightly you should leave your card whether you accepted the invitation or not1 within three days if possible1 or at least within a week1 of the date for which you were invited4 ,it is not considered necessary 7in ,new ,york at least7 to ask if she is at home2 promptness in leaving your card is1 in this instance1 better manners than delaying your party call and asking if she is at home4 ,this matter of asking at the door is one that depends upon the customs of each ,state and city1 but as it is always wiser to err on the side of politeness1 it is the better policy1 if in doubt1 to ask ,is ,mrs4 ,blank at home8 rather than to run the risk of offending a lady who may like to see visitors4 ,a card is usually left with a first invitation to a stranger who has brought a letter of introduction1 but it is more polite--even though not necessary--to ask to be received4 ,some ladies make it a habit to leave a card on everyone on their visiting list once a season4 ,it is correct for the mother of a dbutante to leave her card as well as her daughter's on every lady who has invited the daughter to her house1 and a courteous hostess returns all of these pasteboard visits4 ,but neither visit necessitates closer or even further acquaintance4 ,,visits ,,which ,,everyone ,,must ,,pay ,paying visits differs from leaving cards in that you must ask to be received4 ,a visit of condolence should be paid at once to a friend when a death occurs in her immediate family4 ,a lady does not call on a gentleman1 but writes him a note of sympathy4 ,in going to inquire for sick people1 you should ask to be received1 and it is always thoughtful to take them gifts of books or fruit or flowers4 ,if a relative announces his engagement1 you must at once go to see his fiance4 ,should she be out1 you do not ask to see her mother4 ,you do1 however1 leave a card upon both ladies and you ask to see her mother if received by the daughter4 ,a visit of congratulation is also paid to a new mother and a gift invariably presented to the baby4 ,,messages ,,written ,,on ,,cards ,with sympathy or ,with deepest sympathy is written on your visiting card with flowers sent to a funeral4 ,this same message is written on a card and left at the door of a house of mourning1 if you do not know the family well enough to ask to be received4 ,to inquire is often written on a card left at the house of a sick person1 but not if you are received4 ,in going to see a friend who is visiting a lady whom you do not know1 whether you should leave a card on the hostess as well as on your friend depends upon the circumstances3 if the hostess is one who is socially prominent and you are unknown1 it would be better taste not to leave a card on her1 since your card afterward found without explanation might be interpreted as an uncalled-for visit made in an attempt for a place on her list4 ,if1 on the other hand1 she is the unknown person and you are the prominent one1 your card is polite1 but unwise unless you mean to include her name on your list4 ,but if she is one with whom you have many interests in common1 then you may very properly leave a card for her4 ,in leaving a card on a lady stopping at a hotel or living in an apartment house1 you should write her name in pencil across the top of your card1 to insure its being given to her1 and not to some one else4 ,at the house of a lady whom you know well and whom you are sorry not to find at home1 it is friendly to write ,sorry not to see you6 or ,so sorry to miss you6 ,turning down a corner of a visiting card is by many intended to convey that the visit is meant for all the ladies in the family4 ,other people mean merely to show that the card was left at the door in person and not sent in an envelope4 ,other people turn them down from force of habit and mean nothing whatever4 ,but whichever the reason1 more cards are bent or dog-eared than are left flat4 ,,engraved ,,cards ,,announcing ,,engagement1 ,,bad ,,form ,someone somewhere asked whether or not to answer an engraved card announcing an engagement4 ,the answer can have nothing to do with etiquette1 since an engraved announcement is unknown to good society4 7,for the proper announcement of an engagement see page #cjd47 ,,when ,,people ,,see ,,their ,,friends ,five o'clock is the informal hour when people are at home to friends4 ,the correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal visits is between #c4cj and #d4cj4 ,one should hesitate to pay a visit at the tea hour unless one is sure of one's welcome among the intimates likely to be found around the hostess's tea-table4 ,many ladies make it their practise to be home if possible at five o'clock1 and their friends who know them well come in at that time4 7,for the afternoon tea-table and its customs1 see page #aga47 ,,informal ,,visiting ,,often ,,arranged ,,by ,,telephone ,for instance1 instead of ringing her door-bell1 ,mrs4 ,norman calls ,mrs4 ,kindhart on the telephone3 ,i haven't seen you for weeks6 ,won't you come in to tea1 or to lunch--just you4 ,mrs4 ,kindhart answers1 ,yes1 ,i'd love to4 ,i can come this afternoon2 and five o'clock finds them together over the tea-table4 ,in the same way young ,struthers calls up ,millicent ,gilding1 ,are you going to be in this afternoon8 ,she says1 ,yes1 but not until a quarter of six4 ,he says1 ,fine1 ,i'll come then4 ,or she says1 ,i'm so sorry1 ,i'm playing bridge with ,pauline--but ,i'll be in to-morrow6 ,he says1 ,all right1 ,i'll come to-morrow4 ,the younger people rarely ever go to see each other without first telephoning4 ,or since even young people seldom meet except for bridge1 most likely it is ,millicent ,gilding who telephones the ,struthers youth to ask if he can't possibly get uptown before five o'clock to make a fourth with ,mary and ,jim and herself4 ,,how ,a ,,first ,,visit ,,is ,,made ,in very large cities1 neighbors seldom call on each other4 ,but if strangers move into a neighborhood in a small town or in the country1 or at a watering-place1 it is not only unfriendly but uncivil for their neighbors not to call on them4 ,the older residents always call on the newer4 ,and the person of greatest social prominence should make the first visit1 or at least invite the younger or less prominent one to call on her2 which the younger should promptly do4 ,or two ladies of equal age or position may either one say1 ,i wish you would come to see me4 ,to which the other replies ,i will with pleasure4 ,more usually the first one offers ,i should like to come to see you1 if ,i may4 ,and the other1 of course1 answers ,i shall be delighted if you will4 ,the first one1 having suggested going to see the second1 is bound in politeness to do so1 otherwise she implies that the acquaintance on second thought seems distasteful to her4 ,everyone invited to a wedding should call upon the bride on her return from the honeymoon4 ,and when a man marries a girl from a distant place1 courtesy absolutely demands that his friends and neighbors call on her as soon as she arrives in her new home4 ,,on ,,opening ,,the ,,door ,,to ,a ,,visitor ,on the hall table in every house1 there should be a small silver1 or other card tray1 a pad and a pencil4 ,the nicest kind of pad is one that when folded1 makes its own envelope1 so that a message when written need not be left open4 ,there are all varieties and sizes at all stationers4 ,when the door-bell rings1 the servant on duty1 who can easily see the chauffeur or lady approaching1 should have the card tray ready to present1 on the palm of the left hand4 ,a servant at the door must never take the cards in his or her fingers4 ,,correct ,,number ,,of ,,cards ,,to ,,leave ,when the visitor herself rings the door-bell and the message is not at home1 the butler or maid proffers the card tray on which the visitor lays a card of her own and her daughter's for each lady in the house and a card of her husband's and son's for each lady and gentleman4 ,but three is the greatest number ever left of any one card4 ,in calling on ,mrs4 ,town1 who has three grown daughters and her mother living in the house1 and a ,mrs4 ,stranger staying with her whom the visitor was invited to a luncheon to meet1 a card on each would need a packet of six4 ,instead1 the visitor should leave three--one for ,mrs4 ,town1 one for all the other ladies of the house1 and one for ,mrs4 ,stranger4 ,in asking to be received1 her query at the door should be ,are any of the ladies at home8 ,or in merely leaving her cards she should say ,for all of the ladies4 ,,when ,,the ,,caller ,,leaves ,the butler or maid must stand with the front door open until a visitor re-enters her motor1 or if she is walking1 until she has reached the sidewalk4 ,it is bad manners ever to close the door in a visitor's face4 ,when a chauffeur leaves cards1 the door may be closed as soon as he turns away4 ,,when ,,the ,,lady ,,of ,,the ,,house ,,is ,,at ,,home ,when the door is opened by a waitress or a parlor-maid and the mistress of the house is in the drawing-room1 the maid says ,this way1 please1 and leads the way4 ,she goes as quickly as possible to present the card tray4 ,the guest1 especially if a stranger1 lags in order to give the hostess time to read the name on the card4 ,the maid meanwhile moves aside1 to make room for the approaching visitor1 who goes forward to shake hands with the hostess4 ,if a butler is at the door1 he reads the card himself1 picking it up from the tray1 and opening the door of the drawing-room announces3 ,mrs4 ,soandso1 after which he puts the card on the hall table4 ,the duration of a formal visit should be in the neighborhood of twenty minutes4 ,but if other visitors are announced1 the first one--on a very formal occasion--may cut her visit shorter4 ,or if conversation becomes especially interesting1 the visit may be prolonged five minutes or so4 ,on no account must a visitor stay an hour6 ,a hostess always rises when a visitor enters1 unless the visitor is a very young woman or man and she herself elderly1 or unless she is seated behind the tea-table so that rising is difficult4 ,she should1 however1 always rise and go forward to meet a lady much older than herself2 but she never rises from her tea-table to greet a man1 unless he is quite old4 ,if the lady of the house is at home but up-stairs1 the servant at the door leads the visitor into the reception room1 saying ,will you take a seat1 please8 and then carries the card to the mistress of the house4 ,on an exceptional occasion1 such as paying a visit of condolence or inquiring for a convalescent1 when the question as to whether he will be received is necessarily doubtful1 a gentleman does not take off his coat or gloves1 but waits in the reception room with his hat in his hand4 ,when the servant returning says either ,will you come this way1 please8 or ,mrs4 ,town is not well enough to see any one1 but ,miss ,alice will be down in a moment1 the visitor divests himself of his coat and gloves1 which the servant carries1 as well as his hat1 out to the front hall4 ,as said before1 few men pay visits without first telephoning4 ,but perhaps two or three times during a winter a young man1 when he is able to get away from his office in time1 will make a tea-time visit upon a hostess who has often invited him to dinner or to her opera box4 ,under ordinary circumstances1 however1 some woman member of his family leaves his card for him after a dinner or a dance1 or else it is not left at all4 ,a gentleman paying visits1 always asks if the hostess is at home4 ,if she is1 he leaves his hat and stick in the hall and also removes and leaves his gloves--and rubbers should he be wearing them4 ,if the hour is between five and half-past1 the hostess is inevitably at her tea-table1 in the library1 to which1 if he is at all well known to the servant at the door1 he is at once shown without being first asked to wait in the reception room4 ,a gentleman entering a room in which there are several people who are strangers1 shakes hands with his hostess and slightly bows to all the others1 whether he knows them personally or not4 ,he1 of course1 shakes hands with any who are friends1 and with all men to whom he is introduced1 but with a lady only if she offers him her hand4 ,,how ,,to ,,enter ,a ,,drawing-,,room ,to know how to enter a drawing-room is supposed to be one of the supreme tests of good breeding4 ,but there should be no more difficulty in entering the drawing-room of ,mrs4 ,worldly than in entering the sitting-room at home4 ,perhaps the best instruction would be like that in learning to swim4 ,take plenty of time1 don't struggle and don't splash about6 ,good manners socially are not unlike swimming--not the crawl or overhand1 but smooth1 tranquil swimming4 7,quite probably where the expression in the swim came from anyway67 ,before actually entering a room1 it is easiest to pause long enough to see where the hostess is4 ,never start forward and then try to find her as an afterthought4 ,the place to pause is on the threshold--not half-way in the room4 ,the way not to enter a drawing-room is to dart forward and then stand awkwardly bewildered and looking about in every direction4 ,a man of the world stops at the entrance of the room for a scarcely perceptible moment1 until he perceives the most unencumbered approach to the hostess1 and he thereupon walks over to her4 ,when he greets his hostess he pauses slightly1 the hostess smiles and offers her hand2 the gentleman smiles and shakes hands1 at the same time bowing4 ,a lady shakes hands with the hostess and with every one she knows who is nearby4 ,she bows to acquaintances at a distance and to strangers to whom she is introduced4 ,,how ,,to ,,sit ,,gracefully ,having shaken hands with the hostess1 the visitor1 whether a lady or a gentleman1 looks about quietly1 without hurry1 for a convenient chair to sit down upon1 or drop into4 ,to sit gracefully one should not perch stiffly on the edge of a straight chair1 nor sprawl at length in an easy one4 ,the perfect position is one that is easy1 but dignified4 ,in other days1 no lady of dignity ever crossed her knees1 held her hands on her hips1 or twisted herself sideways1 or even leaned back in her chair6 ,to-day all these things are done2 and the only etiquette left is on the subject of how not to exaggerate them4 ,no lady should cross her knees so that her skirts go up to or above them2 neither should her foot be thrust out so that her toes are at knee level4 ,an arm a-kimbo is not a graceful attitude1 nor is a twisted spine6 ,everyone1 of course1 leans against a chair back1 except in a box at the opera and in a ballroom1 but a lady should never throw herself almost at full length in a reclining chair or on a wide sofa when she is out in public4 ,neither does a gentleman in paying a formal visit sit on the middle of his backbone with one ankle supported on the other knee1 and both as high as his head4 ,the proper way for a lady to sit is in the center of her chair1 or slightly sideways in the corner of a sofa4 ,she may lean back1 of course1 and easily2 her hands relaxed in her lap1 her knees together1 or if crossed1 her foot must not be thrust forward so as to leave a space between the heel and her other ankle4 ,on informal occasions she can lean back in an easy chair with her hands on the arms4 ,in a ball dress a lady of distinction never leans back in a chair2 one can not picture a beautiful and high-bred woman1 wearing a tiara and other ballroom jewels1 leaning against anything4 ,this is1 however1 not so much a rule of etiquette as a question of beauty and fitness4 ,a gentleman1 also on very formal occasions1 should sit in the center of his chair2 but unless it is a deep lounging one1 he always leans against the back and puts a hand or an elbow on its arms4 ,,postscripts ,,on ,,visits ,a lady never calls on another under the sponsorship of a gentleman--unless he is her husband or father4 ,a young girl can very properly go with her fianc to return visit paid to her by members or friends of his family2 but she should not pay an initial visit unless to an invalid who has written her a note asking her to do so4 ,if1 when arriving at a lady's house1 you find her motor at the door1 you should leave your card as though she were not at home4 ,if she happens to be in the hall1 or coming down the steps1 you say ,i see you are going out1 and ,i won't keep you6 ,if she insists on your coming in1 you should stay only a moment4 ,do not1 however1 fidget and talk about leaving4 ,sit down as though your leaving immediately were not on your mind1 but after two or three minutes say ,good-by and go4 ,a young man may go to see a young girl as often as he feels inclined and she cares to receive him4 ,if she continually asks to be excused1 or shows him scant attention when he is talking to her1 or in any other way indicates that he annoys or bores her1 his visits should cease4 ,it is very bad manners to invite one person to your house and leave out another with whom you are also talking4 ,you should wait for an opportunity when the latter is not included in your conversation4 ,in good society ladies do not kiss each other when they meet either at parties or in public4 ,it is well to remember that nothing more blatantly stamps an ill-bred person than the habit of patting1 nudging or taking hold of people4 ,keep your hands to yourself6 might almost be put at the head of the first chapter of every book on etiquette4 ,be very chary of making any such remarks as ,i am afraid ,i have stayed too long1 or ,i must apologize for hurrying off1 or ,i am afraid ,i have bored you to death talking so much4 ,all such expressions are self-conscious and stupid4 ,if you really think you are staying too long or leaving too soon or talking too much--don't6 ,,an ,,invalid',s ,,visit ,,by ,,proxy ,it is not necessary that an invalid make any attempt to return the visits to her friends who are attentive enough to go often to see her4 ,but if a stranger calls on her--particularly a stranger who may not know that she is always confined to the house1 it is correct for a daughter or sister or even a friend to leave the invalid's card for her and even to pay a visit should she find a hostess at home4 ,in this event the visitor by proxy lays her own card as well as that of the invalid on the tray proffered her4 ,upon being announced to the hostess1 she naturally explains that she is appearing in place of her mother 7or whatever relation the invalid is to her7 and that the invalid herself is unable to make any visits4 ,a lady never pays a party call on a gentleman4 ,but if the gentleman who has given a dinner has his mother 7or sister7 staying with him and if the mother 7or sister7 chaperoned the party1 cards should of course be left upon her4 ,having risen to go1 go6 ,don't stand and keep your hostess standing while you say good-by1 and make a last remark last half an hour6 ,few ,americans are so punctilious as to pay their dinner calls within twenty-four hours2 but it is the height of correctness and good manners4 ,when a gentleman1 whose wife is away1 accepts some one's hospitality1 it is correct for his wife to pay the party call with 7or for7 him1 since it is taken for granted that she would have been included had she been at home4 ,in other days a hostess thought it necessary to change quickly into a best dress if important company rang her door-bell4 ,a lady of fashion to-day receives her visitors at once in whatever dress she happens to be wearing1 since not to keep them waiting is the greater courtesy4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,invitations1 ,,acceptances ,,and ,,regrets ,,the ,,formal ,,invitation ,as an inheritance from the days when ,mrs4 ,brown presented her compliments and begged that ,mrs4 ,smith would do her the honor to take a dish of tea with her1 we still--notwithstanding the present flagrant disregard of old-fashioned convention--send our formal invitations1 acceptances and regrets1 in the prescribed punctiliousness of the third person4 ,all formal invitations1 whether they are to be engraved or to be written by hand 7and their acceptances and regrets7 are invariably in the third person1 and good usage permits of no deviation from this form4 ,,wedding ,,invitations ,the invitation to the ceremony is engraved on the front sheet of white note-paper4 ,the smartest1 at present1 is that with a raised margin--or plate mark4 ,at the top of the sheet the crest 7if the family of the bride has the right to use one7 is embossed without color4 ,otherwise the invitation bears no device4 ,the engraving may be in script1 block1 shaded block1 or old ,english4 ,the invitation to the ceremony should always request the honour of your presence1 and never the pleasure of your company4 7,honour is spelled in the old-fashioned way1 with a u instead of honor47 ,enclosed in ,two ,envelopes ,two envelopes are never used except for wedding invitations or announcements2 but wedding invitations and all accompaning cards are always enclosed first in an inner envelope that has no mucilage on the flap1 and is superscribed ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jameson ,greatlake1 without address4 ,this is enclosed in an outer envelope which is sealed and addressed3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jameson ,greatlake1 #bd ,michigan ,avenue1 ,chicago4 ,to those who are only asked to the church no house invitation is enclosed4 ,,the ,,church ,,invitation ,the proper form for an invitation to a church ceremony is3 7,form ,no4 #a47 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ,mary ,katherine to ,mr4 ,james ,smartlington on ,tuesday the first of ,november at twelve o'clock at ,st4 ,john's ,church in the ,city of ,new ,york 7,form ,no4 #b47 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith request the honour of ,,hw3 ,miss ,pauline ,town's presence at the marriage of their daughter ,mary ,katherine to ,mr4 ,james ,smartlington on ,tuesday the first of ,november at twelve o'clock at ,st4 ,john's ,church 7,the size of invitations is #e-a_/h wide by #g-c_/h deep47 7,when the parents issue the invitations for a wedding at a house other than their own47 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,richard ,littlehouse request the honour of presence at the marriage of their daughter ,betty to ,mr4 ,frederic ,robinson on ,saturday the fifth of ,november at four o'clock at the house of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,sterlington ,tuxedo ,park ,new ,york ,r4s4v4p4 ,no variation is permissible in the form of a wedding invitation4 ,whether fifty guests are to be invited or five thousand1 the paper1 the engraving and the wording1 and the double envelope are precisely the same4 ,church ,card of ,admittance ,in cities or wherever the general public is not to be admitted1 a card of about the size of a small visiting card is enclosed with the church invitation3 ,please present this card1 at ,st4 ,john's ,church on ,tuesday the first of ,november ,cards to ,reserved ,pews ,to the family and very intimate friends who are to be seated in especially designated pews3 ,please present this to an usher ,pew ,no4 on ,thursday the ninth of ,may ,engraved pew cards are ordered only for very big weddings where twenty or more pews are to be reserved4 ,the more usual custom--at all small and many big weddings--is for the mother of the bride1 and the mother of the bridegroom each to write on her personal visiting card3 ,,hw3 ,pew ,no4 #g ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith ,,four ,,west ,,thirty-,,sixth ,,street ,a card for the reserved enclosure but no especial pew is often inscribed ,within the ,ribbons4 ,,invitation ,,to ,,the ,,house ,the invitation to the breakfast or reception following the church ceremony is engraved on a card to match the paper of the church invitation and is the size of the latter after it is folded for the envelope3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith request the pleasure of ,,hw3 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,james ,greatlake's company on ,tuesday the first of ,november at half after four o'clock at ,four ,west ,thirty-sixth ,street ,r4s4v4p4 ,,ceremony ,,and ,,reception ,,invitation ,,in ,,one ,occasionally1 especially for a country wedding1 the invitation to the breakfast or the reception is added to the one to the ceremony3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,alexander ,chatterton request the honour of ,,hw3 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,worldly's presence at the marriage of their daughter ,hester to ,mr4 ,james ,town1 junior on ,tuesday the first of ,june at three o'clock at ,st4 ,john's ,church and afterwards at ,sunnylawn ,ridgefield ,r4s4v4p4 ,or the invitation reads at twelve o'clock1 at ,st4 ,john's ,church1 and afterwards at breakfast at ,sunnylawn2 but afterwards to the reception at ,sunnylawn is wrong4 ,,the ,,invitation ,,to ,a ,,house ,,wedding ,is precisely the same except that at ,sunnylawn or at ,four ,west ,thirty-sixth ,street is put in place of at ,st4 ,john's ,church1 and an invitation to stay on at a house1 to which the guest is already invited1 is not necessary4 ,the ,train ,card ,if the wedding is to be in the country1 a train card is enclosed3 ,a special train will leave ,grand ,central ,station at #ab3de ,p4,m41 arriving at ,ridgefield at #b3de4 ,returning1 train will leave ,ridgefield at #e3aj ,p4,m41 arriving ,new ,york at #g4jb ,p4,m4 ,show this card at the gate4 ,,invitation ,,to ,,reception ,,and ,,not ,,to ,,ceremony ,it sometimes happens that the bride prefers none but her family at the ceremony1 and a big reception4 ,this plan is chosen where the mother of the bride or other very near relative is an invalid4 ,the ceremony may take place at a bedside1 or it may be that the invalid can go down to the drawing-room with only the immediate families1 and is unequal to the presence of many people4 ,under these circumstances the invitations to the breakfast or reception are sent on sheets of note paper like that used for church invitations1 but the wording is3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,grantham ,jones request the pleasure of your company at the wedding breakfast of their daughter ,muriel and ,mr4 ,burlingame ,ross1 ,jr4 on ,saturday the first of ,november at one o'clock at ,four ,east ,thirty-,eighth ,street ,the favor of an answer is requested ,the pleasure of your company is requested in this case instead of the honour of your presence4 ,,the ,,written ,,wedding ,,invitation ,if a wedding is to be so small that no invitations are engraved1 the notes of invitation should be personally written by the bride3 ,sally ,dear3 ,our wedding is to be on ,thursday the tenth at half-past twelve1 ,christ ,church ,chantry4 ,of course we want you and ,jack and the children6 ,and we want all of you to come afterward to ,aunt ,mary's1 for a bite to eat and to wish us luck4 ,affectionately1 ,helen4 or ,dear ,mrs4 ,kindhart3 ,dick and ,i are to be married at ,christ ,church ,chantry at noon on ,thursday the tenth4 ,we both want you and ,mr4 ,kindhart to come to the church and afterward for a very small breakfast to my ,aunt's--,mrs4 ,slade--at ,two ,park ,avenue4 ,with much love from us both1 ,affectionately1 ,helen4 ,,wedding ,,announcements ,if no general invitations were issued to the church1 an announcement engraved on note paper like that of the invitation to the ceremony1 is sent to the entire visiting list of both the bride's and the groom's family3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,maynard ,barnes have the honour to announce the marriage of their daughter ,priscilla to ,mr4 ,eben ,hoyt ,leaming on ,tuesday the twenty-sixth of ,april ,one thousand nine hundred and twenty-two in the ,city of ,new ,york ,,the ,,second ,,marriage ,,invitations ,invitations to the marriage of a widow--if she is very young--are sent in the name of her parents exactly as were the invitations to her first wedding1 excepting that her name instead of being merely ,priscilla is now written ,priscilla ,barnes ,leaming1 thus3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,maynard ,barnes request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ,priscilla ,barnes ,leaming to etc4 ,,announcements ,for a young widow's marriage are also the same as for a first wedding3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,maynard ,barnes have the honour to announce the marriage of their daughter ,priscilla ,barnes ,leaming to ,mr4 ,worthington ,adams etc4 ,but the announcement of the marriage of a widow of maturer years is engraved on note paper and reads3 ,mrs4 ,priscilla ,barnes ,leaming and ,mr4 ,worthington ,adams have the honour to announce their marriage on ,monday the second of ,november at ,saratoga ,springs ,new ,york ,,cards ,,of ,,address ,if the bride and groom wish to inform their friends of their future address 7especially in cities not covered by the ,social ,register71 it is customary to enclose a card with the announcement3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,worthington ,adams will be at home after the first of ,december at ,twenty-five ,alderney ,place ,or merely their visiting card with their new address in the lower right corner3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,worthington ,adams #be ,alderney ,place ,,invitation ,,to ,,wedding ,,anniversary ,for a wedding anniversary celebration1 the year of the wedding and the present year are usually stamped across the top of an invitation4 ,sometimes the couple's initials are added4 #ahih-aibb ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,alvin ,johnson request the pleasure of ,,hw3 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,,illegible company at the ,twenty-fifth ,anniversary of their marriage on ,wednesday the first of ,june at nine o'clock ,twenty-four ,austin ,avenue ,r4s4v4p4 ,,answering ,a ,,wedding ,,invitation ,an invitation to the church only requires no answer whatever4 ,an invitation to the reception or breakfast is answered on the first page of a sheet of note paper1 and although it is written by hand the spacing of the words must be followed as though they were engraved4 ,this is the form of acceptance3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,robert ,gilding1 ,jr41 accept with pleasure ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith's kind invitation for ,tuesday the first of ,june ,the regret reads3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,richard ,brown regret that they are unable to accept ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith's kind invitation for ,tuesday the first of ,june ,,other ,,formal ,,invitations ,all other formal invitations are engraved 7never printed7 on cards of thin white matte ,bristol board1 either plain or plate-marked like those for wedding reception cards4 ,note paper such as that used for wedding invitations is occasionally1 but rarely1 preferred4 ,monograms1 addresses1 personal devices are not used on engraved invitations4 ,the size of the card of invitation varies with personal preference from four and a half to six inches in width1 and from three to four and a half inches in height4 ,the most graceful proportion is three units in height to four in width4 ,the lettering is a matter of personal choice1 but the plainer the design1 the better4 ,scrolls and ornate trimmings are bad taste always4 ,punctuation is used only after each letter of the ,r4s4v4p4 and it is absolutely correct to use small letters for the s4v4p4 ,capitals ,r4,s4,v4,p4 are permissible2 but fastidious people prefer ,r4s4v4p4 ,,invitation ,,to ,a ,,ball ,the word ball is never used excepting in an invitation to a public one1 or at least a semi-public one1 such as may be given by a committee for a charity or a club1 or association of some sort4 ,for example3 ,the ,committee of the ,greenwood ,club request the pleasure of your company at a ,ball to be held in the ,greenwood ,clubhouse on the evening of ,november the seventh at ten o'clock4 for the benefit of ,the ,neighborhood ,hospital ,tickets five dollars ,invitations to a private ball1 no matter whether the ball is to be given in a private house1 or whether the hostess has engaged an entire floor of the biggest hotel in the world1 announce merely that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,somebody will be ,at ,home1 and the word dancing is added almost as though it were an afterthought in the lower left corner1 the words ,at ,home being slightly larger than those of the rest of the invitation4 ,when both ,at and ,home are written with a capital letter1 this is the most punctilious and formal invitation that it is possible to send4 ,it is engraved in script usually1 on a card of white ,bristol board about five and a half inches wide and three and three-quarters of an inch high4 ,like the wedding invitation it has an embossed crest without color1 or nothing4 ,the precise form is3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,titherington de ,payster ,at ,home ,on ,monday the third of ,january at ten o'clock ,one ,east ,fiftieth ,street ,the favour of an answer is requested ,dancing or ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,davis ,jefferson ,at ,home ,on ,monday the third of ,january at ten o'clock ,town and ,country ,club ,kindly send reply to ,three ,mt4 ,vernon ,square ,dancing 7,if preferred1 the above invitations may be engraved in block or shaded block type47 ,,ball ,,for ,d,,butante ,,daughter ,very occasionally an invitation is worded ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,davis ,jefferson ,miss ,alice ,jefferson ,at ,home if the daughter is a dbutante and the ball is for her1 but it is not strictly correct to have any names but those of the host and his wife above the words ,at ,home4 ,the proper form of invitation when the ball is to be given for a dbutante1 is as follows3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 de ,puyster request the pleasure of ,,hw3 ,miss ,rosalie ,gray's company at a dance in honour of their daughter ,miss ,alice de ,puyster on ,monday evening1 the third of ,january at ten o'clock ,one ,east ,fiftieth ,street ,r4s4v4p4 or ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,titherington de ,puyster ,miss ,alice de ,puyster request the pleasure of ,,hw3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,greatlake's company on ,monday evening the third of ,january at ten o'clock ,one ,east ,fiftieth ,street ,dancing ,r4s4v4p4 ,the form most often used by fashionable hostesses in ,new ,york and ,newport is3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding request the pleasure of company at a small dance on ,monday the first of ,january at ,ought ,ought ,fifth ,avenue ,even if given for a dbutante daughter1 her name does not appear1 and it is called a small dance1 whether it is really small or big4 ,the request for a reply is often omitted1 since everyone is supposed to know that an answer is necessary4 ,but if the dance1 or dinner1 or whatever the entertainment is to be1 is given at one address and the hostess lives at another1 both addresses are always given3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,sidney ,oldname request the pleasure of company at a dance on ,monday evening the sixth of ,january at ten o'clock ,the ,fitz-,cherry ,kindly send response to ,brookmeadows ,l4,i4 ,if the dance is given for a young friend who is not a relative1 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,oldname's invitations should request the pleasure of company at a dance in honour of ,miss ,rosalie ,grey ,,when ,,and ,,how ,,one ,,may ,,ask ,,for ,,an ,,invitation ,,for ,a ,,stranger ,one may never ask for an invitation for oneself anywhere6 ,and one may not ask for an invitation to a luncheon or a dinner for a stranger4 ,but an invitation for any general entertainment may be asked for a stranger--especially for a house-guest4 ,example3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,a young cousin of mine1 ,david ,blakely from ,chicago1 is staying with us4 ,may ,pauline take him to your dance on ,friday8 ,if it will be inconvenient for you to include him1 please do not hesitate to say so frankly4 ,very sincerely yours1 ,caroline ,robinson ,town4 ,answer3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,town1 ,i shall be delighted to have ,pauline bring ,mr4 ,blakely on the tenth4 ,sincerely yours1 ,edith ,worldly4 ,or ,a man might write for an invitation for a friend4 ,but a very young girl should not ask for an invitation for a man--or anyone--since it is more fitting that her mother ask for her4 ,an older girl might say to ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,my cousin is staying with us1 may ,i bring him to your dance8 ,or if she knows ,mrs4 ,worldly very well she might send a message by telephone3 ,miss ,town would like to know whether she may bring her cousin1 ,mr4 ,michigan1 to ,mrs4 ,worldly's dance4 ,,card ,,of ,,general ,,invitation ,invitations to important entertainments are nearly always especially engraved1 so that nothing is written except the name of the person invited2 but1 for the hostess who entertains constantly1 a card which is engraved in blank1 so that it may serve for dinner1 luncheon1 dance1 garden party1 musical1 or whatever she may care to give1 is indispensable4 ,the spacing of the model shown below1 the proportion of the words1 and the size of the card1 are especially good4 ,mrs4 ,stevens requests the pleasure of company at on at o'clock ,two ,elm ,place ,,the ,,dinner ,,invitation ,the blank which may be used only for dinner3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,huntington ,jones request the pleasure of company at dinner on at eight o'clock at ,two ,thousand ,fifth ,avenue 7,for type and spacing follow model on p4 #aah47 ,,invitations ,,to ,,receptions ,,and ,,teas ,invitations to receptions and teas differ from invitations to balls in that the cards on which they are engraved are usually somewhat smaller1 the words ,at ,home with capital letters are changed to will be at home with small letters1 and the time is not set at the hour4 ,also1 except on very unusual occasions1 a man's name does not appear4 ,the name of the dbutante for whom the tea is given is put under that of her mother1 and sometimes under that of her sister or the bride of her brother4 ,mrs4 ,james ,town ,mrs4 ,james ,town1 junior ,miss ,pauline ,town will be at home ,on ,tuesday the eighth of ,december from four until six o'clock ,two ,thousand ,fifth ,avenue4 ,mr4 ,town's name would probably appear with that of his wife if he were an artist1 and the reception was given in his studio to view his pictures1 or if a reception were given to meet a distinguished guest such as a bishop or a governor1 in which case ,in honour of the ,right ,reverend ,william ,powell1 or ,to meet ,his ,excellency the ,governor1 is at the top of the invitation4 ,,the ,,formal ,,invitation ,,which ,,is ,,written ,when the formal invitation to dinner or lunch is written instead of engraved1 note paper stamped with house or personal device is used4 ,the wording and spacing must follow the engraved models exactly4 #cej ,,park ,,avenue ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,kindhart request the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,robert ,gilding ,jr4's company at ,dinner on ,tuesday the sixth of ,december at eight o'clock4 ,it must not be written3 #cej ,,park ,,avenue ,,telephone #gegb ,,plaza ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,j4 ,kindhart request the pleasure of ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,james ,town's ,company at ,dinner on ,tuesday etc4 ,the foregoing example has four faults3 7#a7 ,letters in the third person must follow the prescribed form4 ,this does not4 7#b7 ,the writing is crowded against the margin4 7#c7 ,the telephone number should be used only for business and informal notes and letters4 7#d7 ,the full name ,john should be used instead of the initial ,j4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 is better form than ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,,recalling ,,an ,,invitation ,if for illness or other reason invitations have to be recalled the following forms are correct4 ,they are always printed instead of engraved1 there being no time for engraving4 ,owing to sudden illness ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith are obliged to recall their invitations for ,tuesday the tenth of ,june4 ,the form used when the invitation is postponed3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith regret exceedingly that owing to the illness of ,mrs4 ,smith their dance is temporarily postponed4 ,when a wedding is broken off after the invitations have been issued3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,benjamin ,nottingham announce that the marriage of their daughter ,mary ,katharine and ,mr4 ,jerrold ,atherton will not take place ,,formal ,,acceptance ,,or ,,regret ,acceptances or regrets are always written4 ,an engraved form to be filled in is vulgar--nothing could be in worse taste than to flaunt your popularity by announcing that it is impossible to answer your numerous invitations without the time-saving device of a printed blank4 ,if you have a dozen or more invitations a day1 if you have a hundred1 hire a staff of secretaries if need be1 but answer by hand4 ,the formal acceptance to an invitation1 whether it is to a dance1 wedding breakfast or a ball1 is identical3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,donald ,lovejoy accept with pleasure ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith's kind invitation for dinner on ,monday the tenth of ,december at eight o'clock ,the formula for regret3 ,mr4 ,clubwin ,doe regrets extremely that a previous engagement prevents his accepting ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith's kind invitation for dinner on ,monday the tenth of ,december or ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,timothy ,kerry regret that they are unable to accept ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith's kind invitation for dinner on ,monday the tenth of ,december ,in accepting an invitation the day and hour must be repeated1 so that in case of mistake it may be rectified and prevent one from arriving on a day when one is not expected4 ,but in declining an invitation it is not necessary to repeat the hour4 ,,visiting ,,card ,,invitations ,with the exception of invitations to house-parties1 dinners and luncheons1 the writing of notes is past4 ,for an informal dance1 musical1 picnic1 for a tea to meet a guest1 or for bridge1 a lady uses her ordinary visiting card3 ,to meet ,miss ,millicent ,gilding ,,mrs4 ,,john ,,kindhart ,tues4 ,jan4 #g4 ,dancing at #aj4 o'ck4 #cej ,,park ,,avenue or ,wed4 ,jan4 #h4 ,bridge at #d4 o'ck4 ,,mrs4 ,,john ,,kindhart ,r4s4v4p4 #cej ,,park ,,avenue ,answers to invitations written on visiting cards are always formally worded in the third person1 precisely as though the invitation had been engraved4 ,,invitations ,,in ,,the ,,second ,,person ,the informal dinner and luncheon invitation is not spaced according to set words on each line1 but is written merely in two paragraphs4 ,example3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,smith3 ,will you and ,mr4 ,smith dine with us on ,thursday1 the seventh of ,january1 at eight o'clock8 ,hoping so much for the pleasure of seeing you1 ,very sincerely1 ,caroline ,robinson ,town4 ,,the ,,informal ,,note ,,of ,,acceptance ,,or ,,regret ,dear ,mrs4 ,town3 ,it will give us much pleasure to dine with you on ,thursday the seventh1 at eight o'clock4 ,thanking you for your kind thought of us1 ,sincerely yours1 ,margaret ,smith4 ,wednesday4 or ,dear ,mrs4 ,town3 ,my husband and ,i will dine with you on ,thursday the seventh1 at eight o'clock1 with greatest pleasure4 ,thanking you so much for thinking of us1 ,always sincerely1 ,margaret ,smith4 or ,dear ,mrs4 ,town3 ,we are so sorry that we shall be unable to dine with you on the seventh1 as we have a previous engagement4 ,with many thanks for your kindness in thinking of us1 ,very sincerely1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,,invitation ,,to ,,country ,,house ,to an intimate friend3 ,dear ,sally3 ,will you and ,jack 7and the baby and nurse1 of course7 come out the #bhth 7,friday71 and stay for ten days8 ,morning and evening trains take only forty minutes1 and it won't hurt ,jack to commute for the weekdays between the two ,sundays6 ,i am sure the country will do you and the baby good1 or at least it will do me good to have you here4 ,with much love1 affectionately1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,to a friend of one's daughter3 ,dear ,mary3 ,will you and ,jim come on ,friday the first for the ,worldly dance1 and stay over ,sunday8 ,muriel asks me to tell you that ,helen and ,dick1 and also ,jimmy ,smith are to be here and she particularly hopes that you will come1 too4 ,the three-twenty from ,new ,york is the best train--much4 ,though there is a four-twenty and a five-sixteen1 in case ,jim is not able to take the earlier one4 ,very sincerely1 ,alice ,jones4 ,confirming a verbal invitation3 ,dear ,helen3 ,this note is merely to remind you that you and ,dick are coming here for the ,worldly dance on the sixth4 ,mother is expecting you on the three-twenty train1 and will meet you here at the station4 ,affectionately1 ,muriel4 ,invitation to a house party at a camp3 ,dear ,miss ,strange3 ,will you come up here on the sixth of ,september and stay until the sixteenth8 ,it would give us all the greatest pleasure4 ,there is a train leaving ,broadway ,station at #h4jc ,a4,m4 which will get you to ,dustville ,junction at #e ,p4,m4 and here in time for supper4 ,it is only fair to warn you that the camp is very primitive2 we have no luxuries1 but we can make you fairly comfortable if you like an outdoor life and are not too exacting4 ,please do not bring a maid or any clothes that the woods or weather can ruin4 ,you will need nothing but outdoor things3 walking boots 7if you care to walk71 a bathing suit 7if you care to swim in the lake71 and something comfortable rather than smart for evening 7if you care to dress for supper74 ,but on no account bring evening1 or any good clothes6 ,hoping so much that camping appeals to you and that we shall see you on the evening of the sixth1 ,very sincerely yours1 ,martha ,kindhart4 ,,the ,,invitation ,,by ,,telephone ,custom which has altered many ways and manners has taken away all opprobrium from the message by telephone1 and with the exception of those of a very small minority of letter-loving hostesses1 all informal invitations are sent and answered by telephone4 ,such messages1 however1 follow a prescribed form3 ,is this ,lenox #jjjj8 ,will you please ask ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith if they will dine with ,mrs4 ,grantham ,jones next ,tuesday the tenth at eight o'clock8 ,mrs4 ,jones' telephone number is ,plaza1 one two ring two4 ,the answer3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,huntington ,smith regret that they will be unable to dine with ,mrs4 ,jones on ,tuesday the tenth1 as they are engaged for that evening4 ,or ,will you please tell ,mrs4 ,jones that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,huntington ,smith are very sorry that they will be unable to dine with her next ,tuesday1 and thank her for asking them4 ,or ,please tell ,mrs4 ,jones that ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,huntington ,smith will dine with her on ,tuesday the tenth1 with pleasure4 ,the formula is the same1 whether the invitation is to dine or lunch1 or play bridge or tennis1 or golf1 or motor1 or go on a picnic4 ,will ,mrs4 ,smith play bridge with ,mrs4 ,grantham ,jones this afternoon at the ,country ,club1 at four o'clock8 ,hold the wire please 99 99 99 ,mrs4 ,jones will play bridge1 with pleasure at four o'clock4 ,in many houses1 especially where there are several grown sons or daughters1 a blank form is kept in the pantry3 ,will with ,m on the at o'clock4 ,telephone number ,accept ,regret ,these slips are taken to whichever member of the family has been invited1 who crosses off regret or accept and hands the slip back for transmission by the butler1 the parlor-maid or whoever is on duty in the pantry4 ,if ,mr4 ,smith and ,mrs4 ,jones are themselves telephoning there is no long conversation1 but merely3 ,mrs4 ,jones3 ,is that you ,mrs4 ,smith 7or ,sarah78 ,this is ,mrs4 ,jones 7or ,alice74 ,will you and your husband 7or ,john7 dine with us to-morrow at eight o'clock8 ,mrs4 ,smith3 ,i'm so sorry we can't4 ,we are dining with ,mabel4 ,or ,we have people coming here4 ,invitations to a house party are often as not telephoned3 ,hello1 ,ethel8 ,this is ,alice4 ,will you and ,arthur come on the sixteenth for over ,sunday8 ,the sixteenth8 ,that's ,friday4 ,we'd love to6 ,will you take the #c3bj train8 etc4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,gem ,,of ,a ,,house ,,may ,,be ,,no ,,size ,,at ,,all1 ,,but ,,its ,,lines ,,are ,,honest1 ,,and ,,its ,,painting ,,and ,,window ,,curtains ,,in ,,good ,,taste 444 ,,and ,,its ,,bell ,,is ,,answered ,,promptly ,,by ,a ,,trim ,,maid ,,with ,a ,,low ,,voice ,,and ,,quiet1 ,,courteous ,,manner4 ,page #aca4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,the ,,well-,,appointed ,,house ,every house has an outward appearance to be made as presentable as possible1 an interior continually to be set in order1 and incessantly to be cleaned4 ,and for those that dwell within it there are meals to be prepared and served2 linen to be laundered and mended2 personal garments to be brushed and pressed2 and perhaps children to be cared for4 ,there is also a door-bell to be answered in which manners as well as appearance come into play4 ,beyond these fundamental necessities1 luxuries can be added indefinitely1 such as splendor of architecture1 of gardening1 and of furnishing1 with every refinement of service that executive ability can produce4 ,with all this genuine splendor possible only to the greatest establishments1 a little house can no more compete than a diamond weighing but half a carat can compete with a stone weighing fifty times as much4 ,and this is a good simile1 because the perfect little house may be represented by a corner cut from precisely the same stone and differing therefore merely in size 7and value naturally71 whereas the house in bad taste and improperly run may be represented by a diamond that is off color and full of flaws2 or in some instances1 merely a piece of glass that to none but those as ignorant as its owner1 for a moment suggests a gem of value4 ,a gem of a house may be no size at all1 but its lines are honest1 and its painting and window curtains in good taste4 ,as for its upkeep1 its path or sidewalk is beautifully neat1 steps scrubbed1 brasses polished1 and its bell answered promptly by a trim maid with a low voice and quiet courteous manner2 all of which contributes to the impression of quality evens though it in nothing suggests the luxury of a palace whose opened bronze door reveals a row of powdered footmen4 ,but the mansion of bastard architecture and crude paint1 with its brass indifferently clean1 with coarse lace behind the plate glass of its golden-oak door1 and the bell answered at eleven in the morning by a butler in an ill fitting dress suit and wearing a mustache1 might as well be placarded3 ,here lives a vulgarian who has never had an opportunity to acquire cultivation4 ,as a matter of fact1 the knowledge of how to make a house distinguished both in appearance and in service1 is a much higher test than presenting a distinguished appearance in oneself and acquiring presentable manners4 ,there are any number of people who dress well1 and in every way appear well1 but a lack of breeding is apparent as soon as you go into their houses4 ,their servants have not good manners1 they are not properly turned out1 the service is not well done1 and the decorations and furnishings show lack of taste and inviting arrangement4 ,the personality of a house is indefinable1 but there never lived a lady of great cultivation and charm whose home1 whether a palace1 a farm-cottage or a tiny apartment1 did not reflect the charm of its owner4 ,every visitor feels impelled to linger1 and is loath to go4 ,houses without personality are a series of rooms with furniture in them4 ,sometimes their lack of charm is baffling2 every article is correct and beautiful1 but one has the feeling that the decorator made chalk-marks indicating the exact spot on which each piece of furniture is to stand4 ,other houses are filled with things of little intrinsic value1 often with much that is shabby1 or they are perhaps empty to the point of bareness1 and yet they have that inviting atmosphere1 and air of unmistakable quality which is an unfailing indication of high-bred people4 ,,becoming ,,furniture ,suitability is the test of good taste always4 ,the manner to the moment1 the dress to the occasion1 the article to the place1 the furniture to the background4 ,and yet to combine many periods in one and commit no anachronism1 to put something ,french1 something ,spanish1 something ,italian1 and something ,english into an ,american house and have the result the perfection of ,american taste--is a feat of legerdemain that has been accomplished time and again4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,personality ,,of ,a ,,house ,,is ,,indefinable1 ,,but ,,there ,,never ,,lived ,a ,,lady ,,of ,,great ,,cultivation ,,and ,,charm ,,whose ,,home1 ,,whether ,a ,,palace1 ,a ,,farm-,,cottage ,,or ,a ,,tiny ,,apartment1 ,,did ,,not ,,reflect ,,the ,,charm ,,of ,,its ,,owner4 ,page #acb4 ,a woman of great taste follows fashion in house furnishing1 just as she follows fashion in dress1 in general principles only4 ,she wears what is becoming to her own type1 and she puts in her house only such articles as are becoming to it4 ,that a quaint old-fashioned house should be filled with quaint old-fashioned pieces of furniture1 in size proportionate to the size of the rooms1 and that rush-bottomed chairs and rag-carpets have no place in a marble hall1 need not be pointed out4 ,but to an amazing number of persons1 proportion seems to mean nothing at all4 ,they will put a huge piece of furniture in a tiny room so that the effect is one of painful indigestion2 or they will crowd things all into one corner--so that it seems about to capsize2 or they will spoil a really good room by the addition of senseless and inappropriately cluttering objects1 in the belief that because they are valuable they must be beautiful1 regardless of suitability4 ,sometimes a room is marred by treasures clung to for reasons of sentiment4 ,,the ,,blindness ,,of ,,sentiment ,it is almost impossible for any of us to judge accurately of things which we have throughout a lifetime been accustomed to4 ,a chair that was grandmother's1 a painting father bought1 the silver that has always been on the dining table--are all so part of ourselves that we are sentiment-blind to their defects4 ,for instance1 the portrait of a ,colonial officer1 among others1 has always hung in ,mrs4 ,oldname's dining-room4 ,one day an art critic1 whose knowledge was better than his manners1 blurted out1 ,will you please tell me why you have that dreadful thing in this otherwise perfect room8 ,mrs4 ,oldname1 somewhat taken back1 answered rather wonderingly3 ,is it dreadful8--,really8 ,i have a feeling of affection for him and his dog6 ,the critic was merciless4 ,if you call a cotton-flannel effigy1 a dog6 ,and as for the figure1 it is equally false and lifeless6 ,it is amazing how any one with your taste can bear looking at it6 ,in spite of his rudeness1 ,mrs4 ,oldname saw that what he said was quite true1 but not until the fact had been pointed out to her4 ,gradually she grew to dislike the poor officer so much that he was finally relegated to the attic4 ,in the same way most of us have belongings that have always been there or perhaps treasures that we love for some association1 which are probably as bad as can be1 to which habit has blinded us1 though we would not have to be told of their hideousness were they seen by us in the house of another4 ,it is not to be expected that all people can throw away every esthetically unpleasing possession1 with which nearly every house twenty-five years ago was filled1 but those whose pocket-book and sentiment will permit1 would add greatly to the beauty of their houses by sweeping the bad into the ash can6 ,far better have stone-ware plates that are good in design than expensive porcelain that is horrible in decoration4 ,the only way to determine what is good and what is horrible is to study what is good in books1 in museums1 or in art classes in the universities1 or even by studying the magazines devoted to decorative art4 ,be very careful though4 ,do not mistake modern eccentricities for art4 ,there are frightful things in vogue to-day--flamboyant colors1 grotesque1 triangular and oblique designs that can not possibly be other than bad1 because aside from striking novelty1 there is nothing good about them4 ,by no standard can a room be in good taste that looks like a perfume manufacturer's phantasy or a design reflected in one of the distorting mirrors that are mirth-provokers at county fairs4 ,,to ,,determine ,,an ,,object',s ,,worth ,in buying an article for a house one might formulate for oneself a few test questions3 ,first1 is it useful8 ,anything that is really useful has a reason for existence4 ,second1 has it really beauty of form and line and color8 7,texture is not so important47 ,or is it merely striking1 or amusing8 ,third1 is it entirely suitable for the position it occupies8 ,fourth1 if it were eliminated would it be missed8 ,would something else look as well or better1 in its place8 ,or would its place look as well empty8 ,a truthful answer to these questions would at least help in determining its value1 since an article that failed in any of them could not be perfect4 ,fashion affects taste--it is bound to4 ,we abominate ,louis the ,fourteenth and ,empire styles at the moment1 because curves and super-ornamentation are out of fashion2 whether they are really bad or not1 time alone can tell4 ,at present we are admiring plain silver and are perhaps exacting that it be too plain8 ,the only safe measure of what is good1 is to choose that which has best endured4 ,the ,king and the ,fiddle pattern for flat silver1 have both been in use in houses of highest fashion ever since they were designed1 so that they1 among others1 must have merit to have so long endured4 ,in the same way examples of old potteries and china and glass1 at present being reproduced1 are very likely good1 because after having been for a century or more in disuse1 they are again being chosen4 ,perhaps one might say that the second choice is proof of excellence4 ,,service ,the subject of furnishings is however the least part of this chapter--appointments meaning decoration being of less importance 7since this is not a book on architecture or decoration671 than appointments meaning service4 ,but before going into the various details of service1 it might be a good moment to speak of the unreasoning indignity cast upon the honorable vocation of a servant4 ,there is an inexplicable tendency1 in this country only1 for working people in general to look upon domestic service as an unworthy1 if not altogether degrading vocation4 ,the cause may perhaps be found in the fact that this same scorning public having for the most part little opportunity to know high-class servants1 who are to be found only in high-class families1 take it for granted that ignorant servant girls and hired men are representative of their kind4 ,therefore they put upper class servants in the same category--regardless of whether they are uncouth and illiterate1 or persons of refined appearance and manner who often have considerable cultivation1 acquired not so much at school as through the constant contact with ultra refinement of surroundings1 and not infrequently through the opportunity for world-wide travel4 ,and yet so insistently has this obloquy of the word servant spread that every one sensitive to the feelings of others avoids using it exactly as one avoids using the word cripple when speaking to one who is slightly lame4 ,yet are not the best of us servants in the ,church8 ,and the highest of us servants of the people and the ,state8 ,to be a slattern in a vulgar household is scarcely an elevated employment1 but neither is working in a sweat-shop1 or belonging to a calling that is really degraded2 which is otherwise about all that equal lack of ability would procure4 ,on the other hand1 consider the vocation of a lady's maid or courier valet and compare the advantages these enjoy 7to say nothing of their never having to worry about overhead expenses71 with the opportunities of those who have never been out of the factory or the store or further away than the adjoining town in their lives4 ,as for a nurse1 is there any vocation more honorable8 ,no character in ,e4,f4 ,benson's ,our ,family ,affairs is more beautiful or more tenderly drawn than that of ,beth1 who was not only nurse to the children of the ,archbishop of ,canterbury but one of the most dearly beloved of the family's members--her place was absolutely next to their mother's in the very heart of the household always4 ,two years ago1 ,anna1 who had for a lifetime been ,mrs4 ,gilding's personal maid1 died4 ,every engagement of that seemingly frivolous family was cancelled1 even the invitations for their ball4 ,not one of the family but mourned for what she truly was1 their humble but nearest friend4 ,would it have been so much better1 so much more dignified1 for these two women1 who lived long useful years in closest association with every cultivating influence of life1 to have lived on in their native villages and worked in a factory1 or to have had a little store of their own8 ,does this false idea of dignity--since it is false--go so far as that8 ,,how ,,many ,,servants ,,for ,,correct ,,service8 ,it stands to reason that one may expect more perfect service from a specialist than from one whose functions are multiple4 ,but small houses that have a double equipment--meaning an alternate who can go in the kitchen1 and two for the dining-room--can be every bit as well run1 so far as essentials go1 as the palaces of the ,gildings and the ,worldlys1 though of course not with the same impressiveness4 ,but good service is badly handicapped if1 when the waitress goes out1 there is no one to open the door1 or when the cook goes out1 there is no one to prepare a meal4 ,for what one might call complete service1 7meaning service that is adequate for constant entertaining and can stand comparison with the most luxurious establishments17 three are the minimum--a cook1 a butler 7or waitress7 and a housemaid4 ,the reason why luncheons and dinners can not be perfectly given with a waitress alone is because two persons are necessary for the exactions of modern standards of service4 ,yet one alone can1 on occasion1 manage very well1 if attention is paid to ordering an especial menu for single-handed service--described on page #bcc4 ,aside from the convenience of a second person in the dining-room1 a house can not be run very comfortably and smoothly without alternating shifts in staying in and going out4 ,the waitress being on duty to answer bell and telephone and serve tea one afternoon1 and the housemaid taking her place the next4 ,they also alternate in going out every other evening after dinner4 ,it should be realized that above the number necessary for essentials1 each additional chambermaid1 parlor-maid1 footman1 scullery maid or useful man1 is made necessary by the size of the house and by the amount of entertaining usual1 rather than 7as is often supposed7 for the mere reason of show4 ,the seemingly superfluous number of footmen at ,golden ,hall and ,great ,estates are1 aside from standing on parade at formal parties1 needed actually to do the immense amount of work that houses of such size entail2 whereas a small apartment can be fairly well looked after by one alone4 ,all house employees and details of their several duties1 manners1 and appearances1 are enumerated below4 ,beginning with the greatest and most complicated establishments possible1 the employee of highest rank is3 ,,the ,,secretary ,,who ,,is ,,also ,,companion ,the position of companion1 which is always one of social equality with her employer1 exists only when the lady of the house is an invalid1 or very elderly1 or a widow1 or a young girl4 7,in the latter case the companion is a chaperon47 ,her secretarial duties consist in writing impersonal letters and notes and probably paying bills2 she may have occasional invitations to send out1 and to answer1 though a lady needing a companion is not apt to be greatly interested in social activities4 ,the companion never performs the services of a maid--but she occasionally does the housekeeping4 ,otherwise her duties can not very well be set down1 because they vary with individual requirements4 ,one lady likes continually to travel and merely wants a companion1 7usually a poor relative or friend7 to go with her4 ,another who is a semi-invalid never leaves her room1 and the duties of her companion are almost those of a trained nurse4 ,the average requirement is in being personally agreeable1 tactful1 intelligent1 and--companionable6 ,a companion dresses as any other lady does2 according to the occasion1 her personal taste1 her age1 and her means4 ,,varied ,,social ,,standing ,,of ,,the ,,private ,,secretary ,the private secretary to a diplomat1 since1 he must first pass the diplomatic examination in order to qualify1 is invariably a young man of education1 if not of birth1 and his social position is always that of a member of his chief's family4 ,the position of an ordinary private secretary is sometimes that of an upper servant1 or1 on the other hand1 his own social position may be much higher than that of his employer4 ,a secretary who either has position of his own or is given position by his employer1 is in every way treated as a member of the family2 he is present at all general entertainments2 and quite as often as not at lunches and dinners4 ,the duties of a private secretary are naturally to attend to all correspondence1 take shorthand notes of speeches or conversations1 file papers and documents and in every way serve as extra eyes and hands and supplementary brain for his employer4 ,,the ,,social ,,secretary ,the position of social secretary is an entirely clerical one1 and never confers any social privileges unless the secretary is also companion4 ,her duties are to write all invitations1 acceptances1 and regrets2 keep a record of every invitation received and every one sent out1 and to enter in an engagement book every engagement made for her employer1 whether to lunch1 dinner1 to be fitted1 or go to the dentist4 ,she also writes all impersonal notes1 takes longer letters in shorthand1 and writes others herself after being told their purport4 ,she also audits all bills and draws the checks for them1 the checks are filled in and then presented to her employer to be signed1 after which they are put in their envelopes1 sealed and sent4 ,when the receipted bills are returned1 the secretary files them according to her own method1 where they can at any time be found by her if needed for reference4 ,in many cases it is she 7though it is most often the butler7 who telephones invitations and other messages4 ,occasionally a social secretary is also a social manager2 devises entertainments and arranges all details such as the decorations of the house for a dance1 or a programme of entertainment following a very large dinner4 ,the social secretary very rarely lives in the house of her employer2 more often than not she goes also to one or two other houses--since there is seldom work enough in one to require her whole time4 ,miss ,brisk1 who is ,mrs4 ,gilding's secretary1 has little time for any one else4 ,she goes every day for from two to sometimes eight or nine hours in town1 and at ,golden ,hall lives in the house4 ,usually a secretary can finish all there is to do in an average establishment in about an hour1 or at most two1 a day1 with the addition of five or six hours on two or three other days each month for the paying of bills4 ,supposing she takes three positions2 she goes to ,mrs4 ,a4 from #h4cj to #aj every day1 and for three extra hours on the #ajth and #aath of every month4 ,to ,mrs4 ,b4 from #aj4cj to #a 7her needs being greater7 and for six extra hours on the #abth1 #acth and #adth of every month4 ,and to ,mrs4 ,c4 every day at #c o'clock for an indefinite time of several hours or only a few minutes4 ,her dress is that of any business woman4 ,conspicuous clothes are out of keeping as they would be out of keeping in an office2 which1 however1 is no reason why she should not be well dressed4 ,well-cut tailor-made suits are the most appropriate with a good-looking but simple hat2 as good shoes as she can possibly afford1 and good gloves and immaculately clean shirt waists1 represent about the most dignified and practical clothes4 ,but why describe clothes6 ,every woman with good sense enough to qualify as a secretary has undoubtedly sense enough to dress with dignity4 ,,the ,,housekeeper ,in a very big house the housekeeper usually lives in the house4 ,smaller establishments often have a visiting housekeeper who comes for as long as she is needed each morning4 ,the resident housekeeper has her own bedroom and bath and sitting-room always4 ,her meals are brought to her by an especial kitchen-maid1 called in big houses the hall girl1 or occasionally the butler details an under footman to that duty4 ,in an occasional house all the servants1 the gardener as well as the cook and butler and nurses1 come under the housekeeper's authority2 in other words1 she superintends the entire house exactly as a very conscientious and skilled mistress would do herself1 if she gave her whole time and attention to it4 ,she engages the servants1 and if necessary1 dismisses them2 she sees the cook1 orders meals1 goes to the market1 or at least supervises the cook's market orders1 and likewise engages and apportions the work of the men servants4 ,ordinarily1 however1 she is in charge of no one but the housemaids1 parlor-maids1 useful man and one of the scullery maids4 ,the cook1 butler1 nurses and lady's maid do not come under her supervision4 ,but should difficulties arise between herself and them it would be within her province to ask for their dismissal which would probably be granted2 since she would not ask without grave cause that involved much more than her personal dislike4 ,a good housekeeper is always a woman of experience and tact1 and often a lady2 friction is1 therefore1 extremely rare4 ,,the ,,organization ,,of ,a ,,great ,,house ,the management of a house of greatest size1 is divided usually into several distinct departments1 each under its separate head4 ,the housekeeper has charge of the appearance of the house and of its contents2 the manners and looks of the housemaids and parlor-maids1 as well as their work in cleaning walls1 floors1 furniture1 pictures1 ornaments1 books1 and taking care of linen4 ,the butler has charge of the pantry and dining-room4 ,he engages all footmen1 apportions their work and is responsible for their appearance1 manners and efficiency4 ,the cook is in charge of the kitchen1 under-cook and kitchen-maids4 ,the nurse and the personal maid and cook are under the direction of the lady of the house4 ,the butler and the valet as well as the chauffeur and gardener are engaged by the gentleman of the house4 ,,the ,,butler ,the butler is not only the most important servant in every big establishment1 but it is by no means unheard of for him to be in supreme command1 not only as steward1 but as housekeeper as well4 ,at the ,worldly's for instance1 ,hastings who is actually the butler1 orders all the supplies1 keeps the household accounts and engages not only the men servants but the housemaids1 parlor-maids and even the chef4 ,but normally in a great house1 the butler has charge of his own department only1 and his own department is the dining-room and pantry1 or possibly the whole parlor floor4 ,in all smaller establishments the butler is always the valet--and in many great ones he is valet to his employer1 even though he details a footman to look after other gentlemen of the family or visitors4 ,in a small house the butler works a great deal with his hands and not so much with his head4 ,in a great establishment1 the butler works very much with his head1 and with his hands not at all4 ,at ,golden ,hall where guests come in dozens at a time 7both in the house and the guest annex71 his stewardship--even though there is a housekeeper--is not a job which a small man can fill4 ,he has perhaps thirty men under him at big dinners1 ten who belong under him in the house always2 he has the keys to the wine cellar and the combination of the silver safe4 7,the former being in this day by far the greater responsibility67 ,he also chooses the china and glass and linen as well as the silver to be used each day1 oversees the setting of the table1 and the serving of all food4 ,when there is a house party every breakfast tray that leaves the pantry is first approved by him4 ,at all meals he stands behind the chair of the lady of the house--in other words1 at the head of the table4 ,in occasional houses1 the butler stands at the opposite end as he is supposed to be better able to see any directions given him4 ,at ,golden ,hall the butler stands behind ,mr4 ,gilding but at ,great ,estates ,hastings invariably stands behind ,mrs4 ,worldly's chair so that at the slightest turn of her head1 he need only take a step to be within reach of her voice4 7,the husband by the way is head of the house1 but the wife is head of the table47 ,at tea time1 he oversees the footmen who place the tea-table1 put on the tea cloth and carry in the tea tray1 after which ,hastings himself places the individual tables4 ,when there is no dinner at home he waits in the hall and assists ,mr4 ,worldly into his coat1 and hands him his hat and stick1 which have previously been handed to the butler by one of the footmen4 ,the ,butler in a ,smaller ,house ,in a smaller house1 the butler also takes charge of the wines and silver1 does very much the same as the butler in the bigger house1 except that he has less overseeing of others and more work to do himself4 ,where he is alone1 he does all the work--naturally4 ,where he has either one footman or a parlor-maid1 he passes the main courses at the table and his assistant passes the secondary dishes4 ,he is also valet not only for the gentleman of the house but for any gentleman guests as well4 ,what the ,butler ,wears ,the butler never wears the livery of a footman and on no account knee breeches or powder4 ,in the early morning he wears an ordinary sack suit--black or very dark blue--with a dark1 inconspicuous tie4 ,for luncheon or earlier1 if he is on duty at the door1 he wears black trousers1 with gray stripes1 a double-breasted1 high-cut1 black waistcoat1 and black swallowtail coat without satin on the revers1 a white stiff-bosomed shirt with standing collar1 and a black four-in-hand tie4 ,in fashionable houses1 the butler does not put on his dress suit until six o'clock4 ,the butler's evening dress differs from that of a gentleman in a few details only3 he has no braid on his trousers1 and the satin on his lapels 7if any7 is narrower1 but the most distinctive difference is that a butler wears a black waistcoat and a white lawn tie1 and a gentleman always wears a white waistcoat with a white tie1 or a white waistcoat and a black tie with a dinner coat1 but never the reverse4 ,unless he is an old-time colored servant in the ,south a butler who wears a dress suit in the daytime is either a hired waiter who has come in to serve a meal1 or he has never been employed by persons of position2 and it is unnecessary to add that none but vulgarians would employ a butler 7or any other house servant7 who wears a mustache6 ,to have him open the door collarless and in shirt-sleeves is scarcely worse6 ,a butler never wears gloves1 nor a flower in his buttonhole4 ,he sometimes wears a very thin watch chain in the daytime but none at night4 ,he never wears a scarf-pin1 or any jewelry that is for ornament alone4 ,his cuff-links should be as plain as possible1 and his shirt studs white enamel ones that look like linen4 ,,the ,,house ,,footmen ,all house servants who assist in waiting on the table come under the direction of the butler1 and are known as footmen4 ,one who never comes into the dining-room is known as a useful man4 ,the duties of the footmen 7and useful man7 include cleaning the dining-room1 pantry1 lower hall1 entrance vestibule1 sidewalk1 attending to the furnace1 carrying coal to the kitchen1 wood to all the open fireplaces in the house1 cleaning the windows1 cleaning brasses1 cleaning all boots1 carrying everything that is heavy1 moving furniture for the parlor-maids to clean behind it1 valeting all gentlemen1 setting and waiting on table1 attending the front door1 telephoning and writing down messages1 and--incessantly and ceaselessly1 cleaning and polishing silver4 ,in a small house1 the butler polishes silver1 but in a very big house one of the footmen is silver specialist1 and does nothing else4 ,nothing6 ,if there is to be a party of any sort he puts on his livery and joins the others who line the hall and bring dishes to the table4 ,but he does not assist in setting the table or washing dishes or in cleaning anything whatsoever--except silver4 ,the butler also usually answers the telephone--if not1 it is answered by the first footman4 ,the first footman is deputy butler4 ,the footmen also take turns in answering the door4 ,in houses of great ceremony like those of the ,worldlys' and the ,gildings'1 there are always two footmen at the door if anyone is to be admitted4 ,one to open the door and the other to conduct a guest into the drawing-room4 ,but if formal company is expected1 the butler himself is in the front hall with one or two footmen at the door4 ,the ,footmen's ,livery ,people who have big houses usually choose a color for their livery and never change it4 ,maroon and buff1 for instance1 are the colors of the ,gildings2 all their motor cars are maroon with buff lines and cream-colored or maroon linings4 ,the chauffeurs and outside footmen wear maroon liveries4 ,the house footmen1 for everyday1 wear ordinary footmen's liveries1 maroon trousers and long-tailed coats with brass buttons and maroon-and-buff striped waistcoats4 ,for gala occasions1 ,mrs4 ,gilding adds as many caterer's men as necessary1 but they all are dressed in her full-dress livery1 consisting of a court coat which comes together at the neck in front1 and then cuts away to long tails at the back4 ,the coat is of maroon broadcloth with frogs and epaulets of black braiding4 ,there is a small standing collar of buff cloth1 and a falling cravat of pleated cream-colored lace worn in front4 ,the waistcoat is of buff satin1 the breeches of black satin1 cream-colored stockings1 pumps1 and the hair is powdered4 ,it is first pomaded and then thickly powdered4 ,wigs are never worn4 ,mrs4 ,worldly however compromises between the court footman and the ordinary one1 and puts her footmen in green cloth coats cut like the everyday liveries1 with silver buttons on which the crest is raised in relief1 but adds black velvet collars1 and black satin waistcoats in place of the everyday striped ones4 ,black satin knee breeches1 black silk stockings1 and pumps with silver buckles1 and their ordinary hair1 cut short4 ,the powdered footman's court livery is1 as a matter of fact1 very rarely seen4 ,three or four houses in ,new ,york1 and one or two otherwhere1 would very likely include them all4 ,knee breeches are more usual1 but even those are seen in none but very lavish houses4 ,to choose servants who are naturally well-groomed is more important than putting them in smart liveries4 ,men must be close shaven and have their hair well cut4 ,their linen must be immaculate1 their shoes polished1 their clothes brushed and in press1 and their finger nails clean and well cared for4 ,if a man's fingers are indelibly stained he would better wear white cotton gloves4 ,,the ,,cook ,the kitchen is always in charge of the cook4 ,in a small house1 or in an apartment1 she is alone and has all the cooking1 cleaning of kitchen and larder1 to do1 the basement or kitchen bell to answer1 and the servants' table to set and their dishes to wash as well as her kitchen utensils4 ,in a bigger house1 the kitchen-maid lights the kitchen fire1 and does all cleaning of kitchen and pots and pans1 answers the basement bell1 sets the servants' table and washes the servants' table dishes4 ,in a still bigger house1 the second cook cooks for the servants always1 and for the children sometimes1 and assists the cook by preparing certain plainer portions of the meals1 the cook preparing all dinner dishes1 sauces and the more elaborate items on the menu4 ,sometimes there are two or more kitchen-maids who merely divide the greater amount of work between them4 ,in most houses of any size1 the cook does all the marketing4 ,she sees the lady of the house every morning1 and submits menus for the day4 ,in smaller houses1 the lady does the ordering of both supplies and menus4 ,how a ,cook ,submits the ,menu ,in a house of largest size--at the ,gildings for instance1 the chef writes in his book every evening1 the menus for the next day1 whether there is to be company or not4 7,none1 of course1 if the family are to be out for all meals47 ,this book is sent up to ,mrs4 ,gilding with her breakfast tray4 ,it is a loose-leaf blank book of rather large size4 ,the day's menu sheet is on top1 but the others are left in their proper sequence underneath1 so that by looking at her engagement book to see who dined with her on such a date1 and then looking at the menu for that same date1 she knows--if she cares to--exactly what the dinner was4 ,if she does not like the chef's choice1 she draws a pencil through and writes in something else4 ,if she has any orders or criticisms to make1 she writes them on an envelope pad1 folds the page1 and seals it and puts the note in the book4 ,if the menu is to be changed1 the chef re-writes it1 if not the page is left as it is1 and the book put in a certain place in the kitchen4 ,the butler always goes into the kitchen shortly after the book has come down1 and copies the day's menus on a pad of his own4 ,from this he knows what table utensils will be needed4 ,this system is not necessary in medium sized or small houses1 but where there is a great deal of entertaining it is much simpler for the butler to be able to go and see for himself than to ask the cook and--forget4 ,and ask again1 and the cook forget1 and then--disturbance6--because the butler did not send down the proper silver dishes or have the proper plates ready1 or had others heated unnecessarily4 ,,the ,,kitchen-,,maid ,the kitchen-maids are under the direction of the cook1 except one known colloquially as the hall girl who is supervised by the housekeeper4 ,she is evidently a survival of the between maid of the ,english house4 ,her sobriquet comes from the fact that she has charge of the servants' hall1 or dining-room1 and is in fact the waitress for them4 ,she also takes care of the housekeeper's rooms1 and carries all her meals up to her4 ,if there is no housekeeper1 the hall girl is under the direction of the cook4 ,,the ,,parlor-,,maid ,the parlor-maid keeps the drawing-room and library in order4 ,the useful man brings up the wood for the fireplaces1 but the parlor-maid lays the fire4 ,in some houses the parlor-maid takes up the breakfast trays2 in other houses1 the butler does this himself and then hands them to the lady's maid1 who takes them into the bedrooms4 ,the windows and the brasses are cleaned by the useful man and heavy furniture moved by him so she can clean behind them4 ,the parlor-maid assists the butler in waiting at table1 and washing dishes1 and takes turns with him in answering the door and the telephone4 ,in huge houses like the ,worldlys' and the ,gildings'1 the footmen assist the butler in the dining-room and at the door--and there is always a pantry maid who washes dishes and cleans the pantry4 ,,the ,,housemaid ,the housemaid does all the chamber work1 cleans all silver on dressing-tables1 polishes fixtures in the bathroom--in other words takes care of the bedroom floors4 ,in a bigger house1 the head housemaid has charge of the linen and does the bedrooms of the lady and gentleman of the house and a few of the spare rooms4 ,the second housemaid does the nurseries1 extra spare rooms1 and the servants' floor4 ,the bigger the establishment1 the more housemaids1 and the work is further divided4 ,the housemaid is by many people called the chambermaid4 ,,uniforms ,in all houses of importance and fashion1 the parlor-maid and the housemaids1 and the waitress 7where there is no butler71 are all dressed alike4 ,their work dresses are of plain cambric and in whatever the house color may be1 with large white aprons with high bibs1 and ,eton collars1 but no cuffs 7as they must be able to unbutton their sleeves and turn them up47 ,those who serve in the dining-room must always dress before lunch1 and the afternoon dresses vary according to the taste--and purse--of the lady of the house4 ,where no uniforms are supplied1 each maid is supposed to furnish herself with a plain black dress for afternoon1 on which she wears collars and cuffs of embroidered muslin usually 7always supplied her71 and a small afternoon apron1 with or without shoulder straps1 and with or without a cap4 ,in very beautifully done houses 7all the dresses of the maids are furnished them71 the color of the uniforms is chosen to harmonize with the dining-room4 ,at the ,gildings'1 ,jr41 for instance1 where there are no men servants because ,mr4 ,gilding does not like them1 but where the house is as perfect as a picture on the stage1 the waitress and parlor-maid wear in the blue and yellow dining-room1 dresses of ,nattier blue taffeta with aprons and collars and cuffs of plain hemstitched cream-colored organdie1 that is as transparent as possible2 blue stockings and patent leather slippers with silver buckles1 their hair always beautifully smooth4 ,sometimes they wear caps and sometimes not1 depending upon the waitress' appearance4 ,twenty years ago1 every maid in a lady's house wore a cap except the personal maid1 who wore 7and still does7 a velvet bow1 or nothing4 ,but when every little slattern in every sloppy household had a small mat of whitish ,swiss pinned somewhere on an untidy head1 and was decked out in as many yards of embroidery ruffling on her apron and shoulders as her person could carry1 fashionable ladies began taking caps and trimmings off1 and exacting instead that clothes be good in cut and hair be neatly arranged4 ,a few ladies of great taste dress their maids according to individual becomingness2 some faces look well under a cap1 others look the contrary4 ,a maid whose hair is rather fluffy--especially if it is dark--looks pretty in a cap1 particularly of the coronet variety4 ,no one looks well in a doily laid flat1 but fluffy fair hair with a small mat tilted up against a knot of hair dressed high can look very smart4 ,a young woman whose hair is straight and rebellious to order1 can be made to look tidy and even attractive in a headdress that encircles the whole head4 ,a good one for this purpose has a very narrow ruche from #i to #ah inches long on either side of a long black velvet ribbon4 ,the ruche goes part way1 or all the way1 around the head1 and the velvet ribbon ties1 with streamers hanging down the back4 ,on the other hand1 many extremely pretty young women with hair worn flat do not look well in caps of any description--except ,dutch ones which are1 in most houses1 too suggestive of fancy dress4 ,if no caps are worn the hair must be faultlessly smooth and neat2 and of course where two or more maids are seen together1 they must be alike4 ,it would not do to have one wear a cap and the other not4 ,,the ,,lady',s ,,maid ,a first class lady's maid is required to be a hairdresser1 a good packer and an expert needlewoman4 ,her first duty is to keep her lady's clothes in order and to help her dress1 and undress4 ,she draws the bath1 lays out underclothes1 always brushes her lady's hair and usually dresses it1 and gets out the dress to be worn1 as well as the stockings1 shoes1 hat1 veil1 gloves1 wrist bag1 parasol1 or whatever accessories go with the dress in question4 ,as soon as the lady is dressed1 everything that has been worn is taken to the sewing room and each article is gone over1 carefully brushed if of woolen material1 cleaned if silk4 ,everything that is mussed is pressed1 everything that can be suspected of not being immaculate is washed or cleaned with cleaning fluid1 and when in perfect order is replaced where it belongs in the closet4 ,underclothes as mended are put in the clothes hamper4 ,stockings are looked over for rips or small holes1 and the maid usually washes very fine stockings herself1 also lace collars or small pieces of lace trimming4 ,some maids have to wait up at night1 no matter how late1 until their ladies return2 but as many1 if not more1 are never asked to wait longer than a certain hour4 ,but the maid for a dbutante in the height of the season1 between the inevitable go fetching at this place and that1 and mending of party dresses danced to ribbons and soiled by partner's hands on the back1 and slippers walked on until there is quite as much black part as satin or metal1 has no sinecure4 ,why ,two ,maids8 ,in very important houses where mother and daughters go out a great deal there are usually two maids1 one for the mother and one for the daughters4 ,but even in moderate households it is seldom practical for a dbutante and her mother to share a maid--at least during the height of the season4 ,that a maid who has to go out night after night for weeks and even months on end1 and sit in the dressing-rooms at balls until four and five and even six in the morning1 is then allowed to go to bed and to sleep until luncheon is merely humane4 ,and it can easily be seen that it is more likely that she will need the help of a seamstress to refurbish dance-frocks1 than that she will have any time to devote to her young lady's mother--who in mid-season1 therefore1 is forced to have a maid of her own1 ridiculous as it sounds1 that two maids for two ladies should be necessary6 ,sometimes this is overcome by engaging an especial maid by the evening to go to parties and wait1 and bring the dbutante home again4 ,and the maid at home can then be maid for two4 ,dress of a ,lady's ,maid ,a lady's maid wears a black skirt1 a laundered white waist1 and a small white apron1 the band of which buttons in the back4 ,in traveling1 a lady's maid always wears a small black silk apron and some maids wear black taffeta ones always4 ,in the afternoon1 she puts on a black waist with white collar and cuffs4 ,mrs4 ,gilding1 ,jr41 puts her maid in black taffeta with embroidered collar and cuffs4 ,for company occasions1 when she waits in the dressing-room1 she wears light gray taffeta with a very small embroidered mull apron with a narrow black velvet waist-ribbon1 and collar and cuffs of mull to match--which is extremely pretty1 but also extremely extravagant4 ,,the ,,valet ,the valet 7pronounced val-et not vallay7 is what ,beau ,brummel called a gentleman's gentleman4 ,his duties are exactly the same as those of the lady's maid--except that he does not sew6 ,he keeps his employer's clothes in perfect order1 brushes1 cleans and presses everything as soon as it has been worn--even if only for a few moments4 ,he lays out the clothes to be put on1 puts away everything that is a personal belonging4 ,some gentlemen like their valet to help them dress2 run the bath1 shave them and hold each article in readiness as it is to be put on4 ,but most gentlemen merely like their clothes laid out for them1 which means that trousers have belts or braces attached1 shirts have cuff links and studs2 and waistcoat buttons are put in4 ,the valet also unpacks the bags of any gentleman guests when they come1 valets them while there1 and packs them when they go4 ,he always packs for his own gentleman1 buys tickets1 looks after the luggage1 and makes himself generally useful as a personal attendant1 whether at home or when traveling4 ,at big dinners1 he is required 7much against his will7 to serve as a footman--in a footman's1 not a butler's1 livery4 ,the valet wears no livery except on such occasions4 ,his uniform is an ordinary business suit1 dark and inconspicuous in color1 with a black tie4 ,in a bachelor's quarters a valet is often general factotum2 not only valeting but performing the services of cook1 butler1 and even housemaid4 ,,the ,,nurse ,everybody knows the nurse is either the comfort or the torment of the house4 ,everyone also knows innumerable young mothers who put up with inexcusable crankiness from a crotchety middle-aged woman because she was so wonderful to the baby4 ,and here let it be emphasized that such an one usually turns out to have been not wonderful to the baby at all4 ,that she does not actually abuse a helpless infant is merely granting that she is not a monster4 ,devotion must always be unselfish2 the nurse who is really wonderful to the baby is pretty sure to be a person who is kind generally4 ,in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred the sooner a domineering nurse--old or young--is got rid of1 the better4 ,it has been the experience of many a mother whose life had been made perfectly miserable through her belief that if she dismissed the tyrant the baby would suffer1 that in the end--there is always an end6--the baby was quite as relieved as the rest of the family when the right sort of a kindly and humane person took the tyrant's place4 ,it is unnecessary to add that one can not be too particular in asking for a nurse's reference and in never failing to get a personal one from the lady she is leaving4 ,not only is it necessary to have a sweet-tempered1 competent and clean person1 but her moral character is of utmost importance1 since she is to be the constant and inseparable companion of the children whose whole lives are influenced by her example1 especially where busy parents give only a small portion of time to their children4 ,,courtesy ,,to ,,one',s ,,household ,in a dignified house1 a servant is never spoken to as ,jim1 ,maisie1 or ,katie1 but always as ,james or ,margaret or ,katherine1 and a butler is called by his last name1 nearly always4 ,the ,worldly's butler1 for instance1 is called ,hastings1 not ,john4 ,in ,england1 a lady's maid is also called by her last name1 and the cook1 if married1 is addressed as ,mrs4 and the nurse is always called ,nurse4 ,a chef is usually called ,chef or else by his last name4 ,always abroad1 and every really well-bred lady or gentleman here1 says please in asking that something be brought her or him4 ,please get me the book ,i left on the table in my room6 ,or ,please give me some bread6 ,or ,some bread1 please4 ,or one can say equally politely and omit the please1 ,i'd like some toast1 but it is usual and instinctive to every lady or gentleman to add please4 ,in refusing a dish at the table1 one must say ,no1 thank you1 or ,no1 thanks1 or else one shakes one's head4 ,a head can be shaken politely or rudely4 ,to be courteously polite1 and yet keep one's walls up is a thing every thoroughbred person knows how to do--and a thing that everyone who is trying to become such must learn to do4 ,a rule can't be given because there isn't any4 ,as said in another chapter1 a well-bred person always lives within the walls of his personal reserve1 a vulgarian has no walls--or at least none that do not collapse at the slightest touch4 ,but those who think they appear superior by being rude to others whom fortune has placed below them1 might as well1 did they but know it1 shout their own unexalted origin to the world at large1 since by no other method could it be more widely published4 ,,the ,,house ,,with ,,limited ,,service ,the fact that you live in a house with two servants1 or in an apartment with only one1 need not imply that your house lacks charm or even distinction1 or that it is not completely the home of a lady or gentleman4 ,but1 as explained in the chapter on ,dinners1 if you have limited service you must devise systematic economy of time and labor or you will have disastrous consequences4 ,every person1 after all1 has only one pair of hands1 and a day has only so many hours1 and one thing is inevitable1 which young housekeepers are apt to forget1 a few can not do the work of many1 and do it in the same way4 ,it is all very well if the housemaid can not get into young ,mrs4 ,gilding's room until lunch time1 nor does it matter if its confusion looks like the aftermath of a cyclone4 ,the housemaid has nothing to do the rest of the day but put that one room and bath in order4 ,but in young ,mrs4 ,gaily's small house where the housemaid is also the waitress1 who is supposed to be dressed for lunch1 it does not have to be pointed out that she can not sweep1 dust1 tidy up rooms1 wash out bathtubs1 polish fixtures1 and at the same time be dressed in afternoon clothes4 ,if ,mrs4 ,gaily is out for lunch1 it is true the chambermaid-waitress need not be dressed to wait on table1 but her thoughtless young mistress would not be amiable if a visitor were to ring the door-bell in the early afternoon and have it opened by a maid in a rumpled working dress4 ,supposing the time to put the bedroom in order is from ten to eleven each morning3 it is absolutely necessary that ,mrs4 ,gaily take her bath before ten so that even if she is not otherwise dressed she can be out of her bedroom and bath at ten o'clock promptly4 ,she can go elsewhere while her room is done up and then come back and finish dressing later4 ,in this case she must herself tidy any disorder that she makes in dressing2 put away her nglig and slippers and put back anything out of place4 ,on the days when ,mr4 ,gaily does not go to the office he too must get up and out so that the house can be put in order4 ,,the ,,one ,,maid ,,alone ,but where one maid alone cooks1 cleans1 waits on table1 and furthermore serves as lady's maid and valet1 she must necessarily be limited in the performance of each of these duties in direct proportion to their number4 ,even though she be eagerly willing1 quality must give way before quantity produced with the same equipment1 or if quality is necessary then quantity must give way4 ,in the house of a fashionable gay couple like the ,lovejoys' for instance1 the time spent in maiding or valeting has to be taken from cleaning or cooking4 ,besides cleaning and cooking1 the one maid in their small apartment can press out ,mrs4 ,lovejoy's dresses and do a little mending1 but she can not sit down and spend one or two hours going over a dress in the way a specialist maid can4 ,either ,mrs4 ,lovejoy herself must do the sewing or the housework1 or one or the other must be left undone4 ,,the ,,management ,,of ,,servants ,it is certainly a greater pleasure and incentive to work for those who are appreciative than for those who continually find fault4 ,everyone who did war work can not fail to remember how easy it was to work for1 or with1 some people1 and how impossible to get anything done for others4 ,and just as the heads of work-rooms or wards or canteens were either stimulating or dispiriting1 so must they and their types also be to those who serve in their households4 ,this1 perhaps1 explains why some people are always having a servant problem2 finding servants difficult to get1 more difficult to keep1 and most difficult to get efficient work from4 ,it is a question whether the servant problem is not more often a mistress problem4 ,it must be6 ,because1 if you notice1 those who have woes and complaints are invariably the same1 just as others who never have any trouble are also the same4 ,it does not depend on the size of the house2 the ,lovejoys never have any trouble1 and yet their one maid of all work has a far from easy place1 and a vacancy at ,brookmeadows is always sought after1 even though the ,oldnames spend ten months of the year in the country4 ,neither is there any friction at the ,golden ,hall or ,great ,estates1 even though the latter house is run by the butler--an almost inevitable cause of trouble4 ,these houses represent a difference in range of from one alone1 to nearly forty on the household payroll4 ,,those ,,who ,,have ,,persistent ,,trouble ,it might be well for those who have trouble to remember a few rules which are often overlooked3 ,justice must be the foundation upon which every tranquil house is constructed4 ,work must be as evenly divided as possible2 one servant should not be allowed liberties not accorded to all4 ,it is not just to be too lenient1 any more than it is just to be unreasonably strict4 ,to allow impertinence or sloppy work is inexcusable1 but it is equally inexcusable to show causeless irritability or to be overbearing or rude4 ,and there is no greater example of injustice than to reprimand those about you because you happen to be in a bad humor1 and at another time overlook offenses that are greater because you are in an amiable mood4 ,there is also no excuse for correcting either a servant or a child before people4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,perfect ,,mistress ,,shows ,,all ,,those ,,in ,,her ,,employ ,,the ,,consideration ,,and ,,trust ,,due ,,them ,,as ,,honorable ,,self-,,respecting ,,and ,,conscientious ,,human ,,beings4 ,page #aeg4 ,and when you do correct1 do not forget to make allowances1 if there be any reason why allowance should be made4 ,if you live in a palace like ,golden ,hall1 or any completely equipped house of important size1 you overlook nothing6 ,there is no more excuse for delinquency than there is in the ,army4 ,if anything happens1 such as illness of one servant1 there is another to take his 7or her7 place4 ,a huge household is a machine and it is the business of the engineers--in other words1 the secretary1 housekeeper1 chef or butler1 to keep it going perfectly4 ,but in a little house1 it may not be fair to say ,selma1 the silver is dirty6 when there is a hot-air furnace and you have had company to every meal1 and you have perhaps sent her on errands between times1 and she has literally not had a moment4 ,if you don't know whether she has had time or not1 you could give her the benefit of the doubt and say 7trustfully1 not haughtily7 ,you have not had time to clean the silver1 have you8 ,this--in case she has really been unable to clean it--points out just as well the fact that it is not shining1 but is not a criticism4 ,carelessness1 on the other hand1 when you know she has had plenty of time1 should never be overlooked4 ,another type that has difficulties is the distrustful--sometimes actually suspicious--person who locks everything tight and treats all those with whom she comes in contact as though they were meddlesomely curious at least1 or at worst1 dishonest4 ,it is impossible to overstate the misfortune of this temperament4 ,the servant who is watched for fear she won't work1 listened to for fear she may be gossiping1 suspected of wanting to take a liberty of some sort1 or of doing something else she shouldn't do1 is psychologically encouraged1 almost driven1 to do these very things4 ,the perfect mistress expects perfect service1 but it never occurs to her that perfect service will not be voluntarily and gladly given4 ,she1 on her part1 shows all of those in her employ the consideration and trust due them as honorable1 self-respecting and conscientious human beings4 ,if she has reason to think they are not all this1 a lady does not keep them in her house4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,service ,the well-trained high-class servant is faultlessly neat in appearance1 reticent in manner1 speaks in a low voice1 walks and moves quickly but silently1 and is unfailingly courteous and respectful4 ,she 7or he7 always knocks on a door1 even of the library or sitting-room1 but opens it without waiting to hear ,come in1 as knocking on a downstairs door is merely politeness4 ,at a bedroom door she would wait for permission to enter4 ,in answering a bell1 she asks ,did you ring1 sir8 or if especially well-mannered she asks ,did ,madam ring8 ,a servant always answers ,yes1 ,madam1 or ,very good1 sir1 never ,yes1 ,no1 ,all right1 or ,sure4 ,young people in the house are called ,miss ,alice or ,mr4 ,ollie1 possibly ,mr4 ,oliver1 but they are generally called by their familiar names with the prefix of ,miss or ,mister4 ,younger children are called ,miss ,kittie and ,master ,fred1 but never by the nurse1 who calls them by their first names until they are grown--sometimes always4 ,all cards and small packages are presented on a tray4 ,,time ,,out ,,and ,,in ,no doubt in the far-off districts there are occasional young women who work long and hard and for little compensation1 but at least in all cities1 servants have their definite time out4 ,furthermore1 they are allowed in humanely run houses to have times in when they can be at home to friends who come to see them4 ,in every well-appointed house of size there is a sitting-room which is furnished with comfortable chairs and sofa if possible1 a good droplight to read by1 often books1 and always magazines 7sent out as soon as read by the family74 ,in other words1 they have an inviting room to use as their own exactly as though they were living at home4 ,if no room is available1 the kitchen has a cover put on the table1 a droplight1 and a few restful chairs are provided4 ,,the ,,maids' ,,men ,,friends ,are maids allowed to receive men friends8 ,certainly they are6 ,whoever in remote ages thought it was better to forbid followers the house1 and have ,mary and ,selma slip out of doors to meet them in the dark1 had very distorted notions to say the least4 ,and any lady who knows so little of human nature as to make the same rule for her maids to-day is acting in ignorant blindness of her own duties to those who are not only in her employ but also under her protection4 ,a pretty young woman whose men friends come in occasionally and play cards with the others1 or dance to a small and not loud phonograph in the kitchen1 is merely being treated humanly4 ,because she wears a uniform makes her no less a young girl1 with a young girl's love of amusement1 which if not properly provided for her at home will be sought for in sinister places4 ,this responsibility is one that many ladies who are occupied with charitable and good works elsewhere often overlook under their own roof4 ,it does not mean that the kitchen should be a scene of perpetual revelry and mirth that can by any chance disturb the quiet of the neighborhood or even the family4 ,unseemly noise is checked at once1 much as it would be if young people in the drawing-room became disturbing4 ,continuous company is not suitable either1 and those who abuse privileges naturally must have them curtailed1 but the really high-class servant who does not appreciate kindness and requite it with considerate and proper behavior is rare4 ,,service ,,in ,,formal ,,entertaining ,,on ,,the ,,sidewalk ,,and ,,in ,,the ,,hall ,for a wedding1 or a ball1 and sometimes for teas and big dinners1 there is an awning from curb to front door4 ,but usually1 especially in good weather1 a dinner or other moderate sized evening entertainment is prepared for by stretching a carpet 7a red one invariably67 down the front steps and across the pavement to the curb's edge4 ,at all important functions there is a chauffeur 7or a caterer's man7 on the sidewalk to open the door of motors1 and a footman or waitress stationed inside the door of the house to open it on one's approach4 ,this same servant1 or more often another stationed in the hall beyond1 directs arriving guests to the dressing-rooms4 ,,dressing-,,rooms ,houses especially built for entertaining1 have two small rooms on the ground floor1 each with its lavatory1 and off of it1 a rack for the hanging of coats and wraps4 ,in most houses1 however1 guests have to go up-stairs where two bedrooms are set aside1 one as a ladies'1 and the other as a gentlemen's coat room4 ,at an afternoon tea in houses where dressing-rooms have not been installed by the architect1 the end of the hall1 if it is wide1 is sometimes supplied with a coat rack 7which may be rented from a caterer7 for the gentlemen4 ,ladies are in this case supposed to go into the drawing-room as they are1 or go up-stairs to the bedroom put at their disposal and in charge of a lady's maid or housemaid4 ,if the entertainment is very large1 checks are always given to avoid confusion in the dressing-rooms exactly as in public check rooms4 ,in the ladies' dressing-room--whether downstairs or up--there must be an array of toilet necessities such as brushes and combs2 well-placed mirrors1 hairpins1 powder with stacks of individual cotton balls1 or a roll of cotton in a receptacle from which it may be pulled4 ,in the lavatory there must be fresh soap and plenty of small hand towels4 ,the lady's personal maid and one or two assistants if necessary1 depending upon the size of the party1 but one and all of them as neatly dressed as possible1 assist ladies off and on with their wraps1 and give them coat checks4 ,a lady's maid should always look the arriving guests over--not boldly nor too apparently1 but with a quick glance for anything that may be amiss4 ,if the drapery of a dress is caught up on its trimming1 or a fastening undone1 it is her duty to say3 ,excuse me1 madam 7or miss71 but there is a hook undone--or the drapery of your gown is caught--shall ,i fix it8 ,which she does as quietly and quickly as possible4 ,if there is a rip of any sort1 she says3 ,i think there is a thread loose1 ,i'll just tack it4 ,it will only be a moment4 ,the well-bred maid instinctively makes little of a guest's accident1 and is as considerate as the hostess herself4 ,employees instinctively adopt the attitude of their employer4 ,in the gentlemen's coat room of a perfectly appointed house the valet's attitude is much the same4 ,if a gentleman's coat should have met with any accident1 the valet says3 ,let me have it fixed for you1 sir1 it'll only take a moment6 ,and he divests the gentleman of his coat and takes it to a maid and asks her please to take a stitch in it4 ,meanwhile he goes back to his duties in the dressing-room until he is sure the coat is finished1 when he gets it and politely helps the owner into it4 ,in a small country house where dressing-room space is limited1 the quaint tables copied from old ones are very useful1 screened off at the back of the downstairs hall1 or in a very small lavatory4 ,they look1 when shut1 like an ordinary table1 but when the top is lifted a mirror1 the height of the table's width1 swings forward and a series of small compartments and trays both deep and shallow are laid out on either side4 ,the trays of course are kept filled with hairpins1 pins and powder1 and the compartments have sunburn lotion and liquid powder1 brush1 comb and whiskbroom1 and whatever else the hostess thinks will be useful4 ,,the ,,announcement ,,of ,,guests ,the butler's duty is to stand near the entrance to the reception or drawing-room1 and as each guest arrives 7unless they are known to him7 he asks3 ,what name1 please8 ,he then leads the way into the room where the hostess is receiving1 and says distinctly3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,if ,mrs4 ,jones is considerably in advance of her husband1 he says3 ,mrs4 ,jones6 then waits for ,mr4 ,jones to approach before announcing3 ,mr4 ,jones6 ,at a very large party such as a ball1 or a very big tea or musical1 he does not leave his place1 but stands just outside the drawing-room1 and the hostess stands just within1 and as the guests pass through the door1 he announces each one's name4 ,it is said to be customary in certain places to have waitresses announce people4 ,but in ,new ,york guests are never announced if there are no men servants4 ,at a very large function such as a ball or tea1 a hostess who has no butler at home1 always employs one for the occasion4 ,if1 for instance1 she is giving a ball for her daughter1 and all the sons and daughters of her own acquaintance are invited1 the chances are that not half or even a quarter of her guests are known to her by sight1 so that their announcement is not a mere matter of form but of necessity4 ,,the ,,announcement ,,of ,,dinner ,when the butler on entering the room to announce dinner1 happens to catch the attention of the hostess1 he merely bows4 ,otherwise he approaches within speaking distance and says1 ,dinner is served4 ,he never says1 ,dinner is ready4 ,at a large dinner where it is quite a promenade to circle the table in search of one's name1 the butler stands just within the dining-room and either reads from a list or says from memory right or left as the case may be1 to each gentleman and lady on approaching4 ,in a few of the smartest houses a leaf has been taken from the practise of royalty and a table plan arranged in the front hall1 which is shown to each gentleman at the moment when he takes the envelope enclosing the name of his partner at dinner4 ,this table plan is merely a diagram made in leather with white name cards that slip into spaces corresponding to the seats at the table4 ,on this a gentleman can see exactly where he sits and between whom2 so that if he does not know the lady who is to be on his left as well as the one he is to take in1 he has plenty of time before going to the table to ask his host to present him4 ,at the end of the evening1 the butler is always at the front door--and by that time1 unless the party is very large1 he should have remembered their names1 if he is a perfect butler1 and as ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jones appear he opens the door and calls down to the chauffeur ,mr4 ,jones' car6 ,and in the same way ,mr4 ,smith's car6 ,miss ,gilding's car6 ,when a car is at the door1 the chauffeur runs up the steps and says to the butler3 ,miss ,gilding's car or ,mrs4 ,jones' car4 ,the butler then announces to either ,mr4 or ,mrs4 ,jones1 ,your car1 sir1 or ,your car1 madam1 and holds the door open for her to go out1 or he may say1 ,your car1 ,miss1 if the ,gilding car comes first4 ,,dining-,,room ,,service ,,at ,,private ,,entertainments ,supper at a ball in a great house 7big enough for a ball7 is usually in charge of the butler1 who by supper time is free from his duties of announcing and is able to look after the dining-room service4 ,the sit-down supper at a ball is served exactly like a dinner--or a wedding breakfast2 and the buffet supper of a dance is like the buffet of a wedding reception4 ,at a large tea where the butler is on duty announcing at the same time that other guests are going into the dining-room for refreshments1 the dining-room service has to be handed over to the first footman and his assistants or a capable waitress is equally able to meet the situation4 ,she should have at least two maids with her1 as they have to pour all cups of tea and bouillon and chocolate as well as to take away used cups and plates and see that the food on the table is replenished4 ,at a small tea where ladies perform the office of pouring1 one man or maid in the dining-room is plenty1 to bring in more hot water or fresh cups1 or whatever the table hostesses have need of4 ,,formal ,,service ,,without ,,men ,,servants ,many1 and very fastidious1 people1 who live in big houses and entertain constantly1 have neither men servants nor employ a caterer1 ever4 ,efficient women take men's places equally well1 though two services are omitted4 ,women never 7in ,new ,york at least7 announce guests or open the doors of motors4 ,but there is no difference whatsoever in the details of the pantry1 dining-room1 hall or dressing-room1 whether the services are performed by men or women4 7,no women1 of course1 are ever on duty in the gentlemen's dressing-rooms47 ,at an evening party1 the door is opened by the waitress1 assisted by the parlor-maid who directs the way to the dressing-rooms4 ,the guests1 when they are ready to go in the drawing-room1 approach the hostess unannounced4 ,a guest who may not be known by sight does not wait for her hostess to recognize her but says at once1 ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,eminent1 ,i'm ,mrs4 ,joseph ,blank2 or a young girl says1 ,i am ,constance ,style 7not ,miss ,style1 unless she is beyond the twenties72 or a married woman merely announces herself as ,mrs4 ,town4 ,she does not add her husband's name as it is taken for granted that the gentleman following her is ,mr4 ,town4 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,,teas ,,and ,,other ,,afternoon ,,parties ,,teas ,except at a wedding1 the function strictly understood by the word reception went out of fashion1 in ,new ,york at least1 during the reign of ,queen ,victoria1 and its survivor is a public or semi-public affair presided over by a committee1 and is a serious1 rather than a merely social event4 ,the very word reception brings to mind an aggregation of personages1 very formal1 very dressed up1 very pompous1 and very learned1 among whom the ordinary mortal can not do other than wander helplessly in the labyrinth of the specialist's jargon4 ,art critics on a varnishing day reception1 are sure to dwell on the effect of a new technique1 and the comment of most of us1 to whom a painting ought to look like a picture1 is fatal4 ,equally fatal to meet an explorer and not know where or what he explored2 or to meet a celebrated author and not have the least idea whether he wrote detective stories or expounded ,taoism4 ,on the other hand it is certainly discouraging after studying up on the latest ,cretan excavations in order to talk intelligently to ,professor ,diggs1 to be pigeon-holed for the afternoon beside ,mrs4 ,newmother whose interest in discovery is limited to a new tooth in baby's head4 ,yet the difference between a reception and a tea is one of atmosphere only1 like the difference in furnishing twin houses4 ,one is enveloped in the heavy gloom of the mid-,victorian period1 the other is light and alluring in the fashion of to-day4 ,a tea1 even though it be formal1 is nevertheless friendly and inviting4 ,one does not go in church clothes nor with ceremonious manner2 but in an informal and every-day spirit1 to see one's friends and be seen by them4 ,,the ,,afternoon ,,tea ,,with ,,dancing ,the afternoon tea with dancing is usually given to bring out a daughter1 or to present a new daughter-in-law4 ,the invitations are the same whether one hundred or two thousand are sent out4 ,for instance3 ,mrs4 ,grantham ,jones ,miss ,muriel ,jones will be at home on ,tuesday1 the third of ,december from four until seven o'clock ,the ,fitz-,cherry ,dancing ,as invitations to formal teas of this sort are sent to the hostess' general visiting list1 and very big houses are comparatively few1 a ballroom is nearly always engaged at a hotel4 ,many hotels have a big and a small ballroom1 and unless one's acquaintance is enormous the smaller room is preferable4 ,too much space for too few people gives an effect of emptiness which always is suggestive of failure2 also one must not forget that an undecorated room needs more people to make it look trimmed than one in which the floral decoration is lavish4 ,on the other hand1 a crush is very disagreeable1 even though it always gives the effect of success4 ,the arrangements are not as elaborate as for a ball4 ,at most a screen of palms behind which the musicians sit 7unless they sit in a gallery71 perhaps a few festoons of green here and there1 and the dbutante's own flowers banked on tables where she stands to receive1 form as much decoration as is ever attempted4 ,whether in a public ballroom or a private drawing-room1 the curtains over the windows are drawn and the lights lighted as if for a ball in the evening4 ,if the tea is at a private house there is no awning unless it rains1 but there is a chauffeur or coachman at the curb to open motor doors1 and a butler1 or caterer's man1 to open the door of the house before any one has time to ring4 ,guests as they arrive are announced either by the hostess' own butler or a caterer's announcer4 ,the hostess receives everyone as at a ball2 if she and her daughter are for the moment standing alone1 the new arrival1 if a friend1 stands talking with them until a newer arrival takes his or her place4 ,after receiving with her mother or mother-in-law for an hour or so1 as soon as the crowd thins a little1 the dbutante or bride may be allowed to dance4 ,the younger people1 as soon as they have shaken hands with the hostess1 dance4 ,the older ones sit about1 or talk to friends or take tea4 ,at a formal tea1 the tea-table is exactly like that at a wedding reception1 in that it is a large table set as a buffet1 and is always in charge of the caterer's men1 or the hostess' own butler or waitress and assistants4 ,it is never presided over by deputy hostesses4 ,,the ,,menu ,,is ,,limited ,only tea1 bouillon1 chocolate1 bread and cakes are served4 ,there can be all sorts of sandwiches1 hot biscuits1 crumpets1 muffins1 sliced cake and little cakes in every variety that a cook or caterer can devise--whatever can come under the head of bread and cake is admissible2 but nothing else1 or it becomes a reception1 and not a tea4 ,at the end of the table or on a separate table near by1 there are bowls or pitchers of orangeade or lemonade or punch 7meaning in these days something cold that has fruit juice in it7 for the dancers1 exactly as at a ball4 ,guests go to the table and help themselves to their own selection of bread and cakes4 ,the chocolate1 already poured into cups and with whipped cream on top1 is passed on a tray by a servant4 ,tea also poured into cups1 not mixed but accompanied by a small pitcher of cream1 bowl of sugar1 and dish of lemon1 is also passed on a tray4 ,a guest taking her plate of food in one hand and her tea or chocolate in the other1 finds herself a chair somewhere1 if possible1 near a table1 so that she can take her tea without discomfort4 ,,afternoon ,,teas ,,without ,,dancing ,afternoon teas without dancing are given in honor of visiting celebrities or new neighbors or engaged couples1 or to warm a new house2 or1 most often1 for a house-guest from another city4 ,the invitation is a visiting card of the hostess with to meet ,mrs4 ,so-and-,so across the top of it and ,jan4 #aj1 ,tea at #d o'clock in the lower corner1 opposite the address4 ,at a tea of this description1 tea and chocolate may be passed on trays or poured by two ladies1 as will be explained below4 ,unless the person for whom the tea is given is such a celebrity that the tea becomes a reception1 the hostess does not stand at the door1 but merely near it so that anyone coming in may easily find her4 ,the ordinary afternoon tea given for one reason or another is1 in winter1 merely and literally1 being at home on a specified afternoon with the blinds and curtains drawn1 the room lighted as at night1 a fire burning and a large tea-table spread in the dining-room or a small one near the hearth4 ,an afternoon tea in summer is the same1 except that artificial light is never used1 and the table is most often on a veranda4 ,,do ,,come ,,in ,,for ,a ,,cup ,,of ,,tea ,this is ,best ,society's favorite form of invitation4 ,it is used on nearly every occasion whether there is to be music or a distinguished visitor1 or whether a hostess has merely an inclination to see her friends4 ,she writes on her personal visiting card3 ,do come in on ,friday for a cup of tea and hear ,ellwin play1 or ,farrish sing1 or to meet ,senator ,west1 or ,lady ,x4 ,or even more informally3 ,i have not seen you for so long4 ,invitations to a tea of this description are never general4 ,a hostess asks either none but close friends1 or at most her dining list2 sometimes this sort of a tea is so small that she sits behind her own tea-table--exactly as she does every afternoon4 ,but if the tea is of any size1 from twenty upwards1 the table is set in the dining-room and two intimate friends of the hostess pour tea at one end1 and chocolate at the other4 ,the ladies who pour are always especially invited beforehand and always wear afternoon dresses1 with hats1 of course1 as distinguished from the street clothes of other guests4 ,as soon as a hostess decides to give a tea1 she selects two friends for this duty who are1 in her opinion1 decorative in appearance and also who 7this is very important7 can be counted on for gracious manners to everyone and under all circumstances4 ,it does not matter if a guest going into the dining-room for a cup of tea or chocolate does not know the deputy hostesses who are pouring4 ,it is perfectly correct for a stranger to say ,may ,i have a cup of tea8 ,the one pouring should answer very1 responsively1 ,certainly6 ,how do you like it8 ,strong or weak8 ,if the latter1 she deluges it with hot water1 and again watching for the guest's negative or approval1 adds cream or lemon or sugar4 ,or1 preferring chocolate1 the guest perhaps goes to the other end of the table and asks for a cup of chocolate4 ,the table hostess at that end also says ,certainly1 and pours out chocolate4 ,if she is surrounded with people1 she smiles as she hands it out1 and that is all4 ,but if she is unoccupied and her momentary guest by courtesy is alone1 it is merest good manners on her part to make a few pleasant remarks4 ,very likely when asked for chocolate she says3 ,how nice of you6 ,i have been feeling very neglected at my end4 ,everyone seems to prefer tea4 ,whereupon the guest ventures that people are afraid of chocolate because it is so fattening or so hot4 ,after an observation or two about the weather1 or the beauty of the china or how good the little cakes look1 or the sandwiches taste1 the guest finishes her chocolate4 ,if the table hostess is still unoccupied the guest smiles and slightly nods ,good-by1 but if the other's attention has been called upon by someone else1 she who has finished her chocolate1 leaves unnoticed4 ,if another lady coming into the dining-room is an acquaintance of one of the table hostesses1 the new visitor draws up a chair1 if there is room1 and drinks her tea or chocolate at the table4 ,but as soon as she has finished1 she should give her place up to a newer arrival4 ,or perhaps a friend appears1 and the two take their tea together over in another part of the room1 or at vacant places farther down the table4 ,the tea-table is not set with places2 but at a table where ladies are pouring1 and especially at a tea that is informal1 a number of chairs are usually ready to be drawn up for those who like to take their tea at the table4 ,in many cities1 strangers who find themselves together in the house of a friend in common1 always talk4 ,in ,new ,york smart people always do at dinners or luncheons1 but never at a general entertainment4 ,their cordiality to a stranger would depend largely upon the informal1 or intimate1 quality of the tea party2 it would depend on who the stranger might be1 and who the ,new ,yorker4 ,mrs4 ,worldly would never dream of speaking to anyone--no matter whom--if it could be avoided4 ,mrs4 ,kindhart on the other hand1 talks to everyone1 everywhere and always4 ,mrs4 ,kindhart's position is as good as ,mrs4 ,worldly's every bit1 but perhaps she can be more relaxed2 not being the conspicuous hostess that ,mrs4 ,worldly is1 she is not so besieged by position-makers and invitation-seekers4 ,perhaps ,mrs4 ,worldly1 finding that nearly every one who approaches her wants something1 has come instinctively to avoid each new approach4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,afternoon ,,tea-,,table ,,is ,,the ,,same ,,in ,,its ,,service ,,whether ,,in ,,the ,,tiny ,,bandbox ,,house ,,of ,,the ,,newest ,,bride1 ,,or ,,in ,,the ,,drawing-,,room ,,of ,,mrs4 ,,worldly ,,of ,,great ,,estates4 ,page #aga4 ,,the ,,every-,,day ,,afternoon ,,tea ,,table ,the every-day afternoon tea table is familiar to everyone2 there is not the slightest difference in its service whether in the tiny bandbox house of the newest bride1 or in the drawing-room of ,mrs4 ,worldly of ,great ,estates1 except that in the little house the tray is brought in by a woman--often a picture in appearance and appointment--instead of a butler with one or two footmen in his wake4 ,in either case a table is placed in front of the hostess4 ,a tea-table is usually of the drop-leaf variety because it is more easily moved than a solid one4 ,there are really no correct dimensions2 any small table is suitable4 ,it ought not to be so high that the hostess seems submerged behind it1 nor so small as to be overhung by the tea tray and easily knocked over4 ,it is usually between #bd and #bf inches wide and from #bg to #cf inches long1 or it may be oval or oblong4 ,a double-decked table that has its second deck above the main table is not good because the tea tray perched on the upper deck is neither graceful nor convenient4 ,in proper serving1 not only of tea but of cold drinks of all sorts1 even where a quantity of bottles1 pitchers and glasses need space1 everything should be brought on a tray and not trundled in on a tea-wagon6 ,a cloth must always be first placed on the table1 before putting down the tray4 ,the tea cloth may be a yard1 a yard and a half1 or two yards square4 ,it may barely cover the table1 or it may hang half a yard over each edge4 ,a yard and a quarter is the average size4 ,a tea cloth can be colored1 but the conventional one is of white linen1 with little or much white needlework or lace1 or both4 ,on this is put a tray big enough to hold everything except the plates of food4 ,the tray may be a massive silver one that requires a footman with strong arms to lift it1 or it may be of ,sheffield or merely of effectively lacquered tin4 ,in any case1 on it should be3 a kettle which ought to be already boiling1 with a spirit lamp under it1 an empty tea-pot1 a caddy of tea1 a tea strainer and slop bowl1 cream pitcher and sugar bowl1 and1 on a glass dish1 lemon in slices4 ,a pile of cups and saucers and a stack of little tea plates1 all to match1 with a napkin 7about #ab inches square1 hemstitched or edged to match the tea cloth7 folded on each of the plates1 like the filling of a layer cake1 complete the paraphernalia4 ,each plate is lifted off with its own napkin4 ,then on the tea-table1 back of the tray1 or on the shelves of a separate curate1 a stand made of three small shelves1 each just big enough for one good-sized plate1 are always two1 usually three1 varieties of cake and hot breads4 ,,things ,,people ,,eat ,,at ,,tea ,the top dish on the curate should be a covered one1 and holds hot bread of some sort2 the two lower dishes may be covered or not1 according to whether the additional food is hot or cold2 the second dish usually holds sandwiches1 and the third cake4 ,or perhaps all the dishes hold cake2 little fancy cakes for instance1 and pastries and slices of layer cakes4 ,many prefer a simpler diet1 and have bread and butter1 or toasted crackers1 supplemented by plain cookies4 ,others pile the curate until it literally staggers1 under pastries and cream cakes and sandwiches of pt de foie gras or mayonnaise4 ,others1 again1 like marmalade1 or jam1 or honey on bread and butter or on buttered toast or muffins4 ,this necessitates little butter knives and a dish of jam added to the already overloaded tea tray4 ,selection of afternoon tea food is entirely a matter of whim1 and new food-fads sweep through communities4 ,for a few months at a time1 everyone1 whether in a private house or a country club1 will eat nothing but ,english muffins and jam1 then suddenly they like only toasted cheese crackers1 or ,sally ,lunn1 or chocolate cake with whipped cream on top4 ,the present fad of a certain group in ,new ,york is bacon and toast sandwiches and fresh hot gingerbread4 ,let it be hoped for the sake of the small household that it will die out rather than become epidemic1 since the gingerbread must be baked every afternoon1 and the toast and bacon are two other items that come from a range4 ,sandwiches for afternoon tea as well as for all collations1 are made by buttering the end of the loaf1 spreading on the filling and then cutting off the prepared slice as thin as possible4 ,a second slice1 unspread1 makes the other side of the sandwich4 ,when it is put together1 the crust is either cut off leaving a square and the square again divided diagonally into two triangular sandwiches1 or the sandwich is cut into shape with a regular cutter4 ,in other words1 a party sandwich is not the sort of sandwich to eat--or order--when hungry6 ,the tea served to a lady who lives alone and cares for only one dish of eatables would naturally eliminate the other two4 ,but if a visitor is received1 the servant on duty should1 without being told1 at once bring in at least another dish and an additional cup1 saucer1 plate and napkin4 ,afternoon tea at a very large house party or where especially invited people are expected for tea1 should include two plates of hot food such as toast or hot biscuits split open and buttered1 toasted and buttered ,english muffins1 or crumpets1 corn muffins or hot gingerbread4 ,two cold plates should contain cookies or fancy cakes1 and perhaps a layer cake4 ,in hot weather1 in place of one of the hot dishes1 there should be pt or lettuce sandwiches1 and always a choice of hot or iced tea1 or perhaps iced coffee or chocolate frapp1 but rarely if ever1 anything else4 ,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,tea ,,serving ,,and ,,drinking ,as tea is the one meal of intimate conversation1 a servant never comes to the room at tea-time unless rung for1 to bring fresh water or additional china or food1 or to take away used dishes4 ,when the tray and curate are brought in1 individual tables1 usually glass topped and very small and low1 are put beside each of the guests1 and the servant then withdraws4 ,the hostess herself makes the tea and pours it4 ,those who sit near enough to her put out their hands for their cup-and-saucer4 ,if any ladies are sitting farther off1 and a gentleman is present1 he1 of course1 rises and takes the tea from the hostess to the guest4 ,he also then passes the curate1 afterward putting it back where it belongs and resuming his seat4 ,if no gentleman is present1 a lady gets up and takes her own tea which the hostess hands her1 carries it to her own little individual table1 comes back1 takes a plate and napkin1 helps herself to what she likes and goes to her place4 ,if the cake is very soft and sticky or filled with cream1 small forks must be laid on the tea-table4 ,as said above1 if jam is to be eaten on toast or bread1 there must be little butter knives to spread it with4 ,each guest in taking her plate helps herself to toast and jam and a knife and carries her plate over to her own little table4 ,she then carries her cup of tea to her table and sits down comfortably to drink it4 ,if there are no little tables1 she either draws her chair up to the tea-table1 or manages as best she can to balance plate1 cup and saucer on her lap--a very difficult feat6 ,in fact1 the hostess who1 providing no individual tables1 expects her guest to balance knife1 fork1 jam1 cream cake1 plate and cup and saucer1 all on her knees1 should choose her friends in the circus rather than in society4 ,,the ,,garden ,,party ,the garden party is merely an afternoon tea out of doors4 ,it may be as elaborate as a sit-down wedding breakfast or as simple as a miniature strawberry festival4 ,at an elaborate one 7in the rainy section of our country7 a tent or marquise with sides that can be easily drawn up in fine weather and dropped in rain1 and with a good dancing floor1 is often put up on the lawn or next to the veranda1 so that in case of storm people will not be obliged to go out of doors4 ,the orchestra is placed within or near open sides of the tent1 so that it can he heard on the lawn and veranda as well as where they are dancing4 ,or instead of a tea with dancing1 if most of the guests are to be older1 there may be a concert or other form of professional entertainment4 ,on the lawn there are usually several huge bright-colored umbrella tents1 and under each a table and a group of chairs1 and here and there numerous small tables and chairs4 ,for1 although the afternoon tea is always put in the dining-room footmen or maids carry varieties of food out on large trays to the lawn1 and the guests hold plates on their knees and stand glasses on tables nearby4 ,at a garden party the food is often much more prodigal than at a tea in town4 ,sometimes it is as elaborate as at a wedding reception4 ,in addition to hot tea and chocolate1 there is either iced coffee or a very melted caf parfait1 or frosted chocolate in cups4 ,there are also pitchers of various drinks that have rather mysterious ingredients1 but are all very much iced and embellished with crushed fruits and mint leaves4 ,there are often berries with cream1 especially in strawberry season1 on an estate that prides itself on those of its own growing1 as well as the inevitable array of fancy sandwiches and cakes4 ,at teas and musicales and all entertainments where the hostess herself is obliged to stand at the door1 her husband or a daughter 7if the hostess is old enough1 and lucky enough to have one7 or else a sister or a very close friend1 should look after the guests1 to see that any who are strangers are not helplessly wandering about alone1 and that elderly ladies are given seats if there is to be a performance1 or to show any other courtesies that devolve upon a hostess4 ,,the ,,atmosphere ,,of ,,hospitality ,the atmosphere of hospitality is something very intangible1 and yet nothing is more actually felt--or missed4 ,there are certain houses that seem to radiate warmth like an open wood fire1 there are others that suggest an arrival by wireless at the ,north ,pole1 even though a much brighter actual fire may be burning on the hearth in the drawing-room of the second than of the first4 ,some people have the gift of hospitality2 others whose intentions are just as kind and whose houses are perfection in luxury of appointments1 seem to petrify every approach4 ,such people appearing at a picnic color the entire scene with the blue light of their austerity4 ,such people are usually not masters1 but slaves1 of etiquette4 ,their chief concern is whether this is correct1 or whether that is properly done1 or is this person or that such an one as they care to know8 ,they seem1 like ,hermione 7,don ,marquis's heroine71 to be anxiously asking themselves1 ,have ,i failed to-day1 or have ,i not8 ,introspective people who are fearful of others1 fearful of themselves1 are never successfully popular hosts or hostesses4 ,if you for instance1 are one of these1 if you are really afraid of knowing some one who might some day prove unpleasant1 if you are such a snob that you can't take people at their face value1 then why make the effort to bother with people at all8 ,why not shut your front door tight and pull down the blinds and1 sitting before a mirror in your own drawing-room1 order tea for two8 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,perfect ,,example ,,of ,a ,,formal ,,dinner ,,table ,,of ,,wealth1 ,,luxury ,,and ,,taste1 ,,which ,,involves ,,no ,,effort ,,on ,,the ,,part ,,of ,,the ,,hostess ,,of ,a ,,great ,,house ,,beyond ,,deciding ,,upon ,,the ,,date ,,and ,,the ,,principal ,,guests ,,who ,,are ,,to ,,form ,,the ,,nucleus ,,of ,,the ,,party4 ,page #agg4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,,formal ,,dinners ,,not ,,for ,,the ,,novice ,,to ,,attempt ,if the great world of society were a university which issued degrees to those whom it trains to its usages1 the magna cum laude honors would be awarded without question1 not to the hostess who may have given the most marvelous ball of the decade1 but to her who knows best every component detail of preparation and service1 no less than every inexorable rule of etiquette1 in formal dinner-giving4 ,to give a perfect dinner of ceremony is the supreme accomplishment of a hostess6 ,it means not alone perfection of furnishing1 of service1 of culinary skill1 but also of personal charm1 of tact4 ,the only other occasion when a hostess must have equal--and possibly even greater ability--is the large and somewhat formal week-end party1 which includes a dinner or two as by no means its least formidable features4 ,there are so many aspects to be considered in dinner giving that it is difficult to know whether to begin up-stairs or down1 or with furnishing1 or service1 or people1 or manners6 ,one thing is certain1 no novice should ever begin her social career by attempting a formal dinner1 any more than a pupil swimmer1 upon being able to take three strokes alone1 should attempt to swim three miles out to sea4 ,the former will as surely drown as the latter4 ,,how ,a ,,dinner ,,is ,,given ,,in ,a ,,great ,,house ,when ,mrs4 ,worldly gives a dinner1 it means no effort on her part whatsoever beyond deciding upon the date and the principal guests who are to form the nucleus2 every further detail is left to her subordinates--even to the completion of her list of guests4 ,for instance1 she decides that she will have an older dinner1 and finding that the tenth is available for herself1 she tells her secretary to send out invitations for that date4 ,she does not have especial cards engraved but uses the dinner blank described in the chapter on ,invitations4 ,she then looks through her dinner list and orders her secretary to invite the ,oldworlds1 the ,eminents1 the ,learneds1 the ,wellborns1 the ,highbrows1 and the ,onceweres4 ,she also picks out three or four additional names to be substituted for those who regret4 ,then turning to the younger married list she searches for a few suitable but amusing or good-looking ones to give life to her dinner which might otherwise be heavy4 ,but her favorites do not seem appropriate4 ,it will not do to ask the ,bobo ,gildings1 not because of the difference in age but because ,lucy ,gilding smokes like a furnace and is miserable unless she can play bridge for high stakes1 and1 just as soon as she can bolt through dinner1 sit at a card table2 while ,mrs4 ,highbrow and ,mrs4 ,oncewere quite possibly disapprove of women's smoking and are surely horrified at gambling4 ,the ,smartlings won't do either1 for the same reason1 nor the ,gaylies4 ,she can't ask the ,newell ,riches either1 because ,mrs4 ,oldworld and ,mrs4 ,wellborn both dislike vulgarity too much to find compensation in qualities which are merely amusing4 ,so she ends by adding her own friends the ,kindharts and the ,normans1 who go with everyone1 and a few somewhat younger people1 and approves her secretary's suggestions as to additional names if those first invited should regret4 ,the list being settled1 ,mrs4 ,worldly's own work is done4 ,she sends word to her cook that there will be twenty-four on the tenth2 the menu will be submitted to her later1 which she will probably merely glance at and send back4 ,she never sees or thinks about her table1 which is in the butler's province4 ,on the morning of the dinner her secretary brings her the place cards1 7the name of each person expected1 written on a separate card7 and she puts them in the order in which they are to be placed on the table1 very much as though playing solitaire4 ,starting with her own card at one end and her husband's at the other1 she first places the lady of honor on his right1 the second in importance on his left4 ,then on either side of herself1 she puts the two most important gentlemen4 ,the others she fits in between1 trying to seat side by side those congenial to each other4 ,illustration3 ,,detail ,,of ,,place ,,set ,,at ,a ,,formal ,,dinner ,,table ,,of ,a ,,great ,,house4 ,page #agi4 ,when the cards are arranged1 the secretary attends to putting the name of the lady who sits on each gentleman's right in the envelope addressed to him4 ,she then picks up the place cards still stacked in their proper sequence1 and takes them to the butler who will put them in the order arranged on the table after it is set4 ,fifteen minutes before the dinner hour1 ,mrs4 ,worldly is already standing in her drawing-room4 ,she has no personal responsibility other than that of being hostess4 ,the whole machinery of equipment and service runs seemingly by itself4 ,it does not matter whether she knows what the menu is4 ,her cook is more than capable of attending to it4 ,that the table shall be perfect is merely the every-day duty of the butler4 ,she knows without looking that one of the chauffeurs is on the sidewalk2 that footmen are in the hall2 that her own maid is in the ladies' dressing-room1 and the valet in that of the gentlemen2 and that her butler is just outside the door near which she is standing4 ,so with nothing on her mind 7except a jewelled ornament and perfectly done hair7 she receives her guests with the tranquillity attained only by those whose household--whether great or small--can be counted on to run like a perfectly coordinated machine4 ,,how ,a ,,dinner ,,can ,,be ,,bungled ,this is the contrasting picture to the dinner at the ,worldly's--a picture to show you particularly who are a bride how awful an experiment in dinner giving can be4 ,let us suppose that you have a quite charming house1 and that your wedding presents included everything necessary to set a well-appointed table4 ,you have not very experienced servants1 but they would all be good ones with a little more training4 ,you have been at home for so few meals you don't quite know how experienced they are4 ,your cook at least makes good coffee and eggs and toast for breakfast1 and the few other meals she has cooked seemed to be all right1 and she is such a nice clean person6 ,so when your house is in order and the last pictures and curtains are hung1 the impulse suddenly comes to you to give a dinner6 ,your husband thinks it is a splendid idea4 ,it merely remains to decide whom you will ask4 ,you hesitate between a few of your own intimates1 or older people1 and decide it would be such fun to ask a few of the hostesses whose houses you have almost lived at ever since you came out4 ,you decide to ask ,mrs4 ,toplofty1 ,mr4 ,clubwin ,doe1 the ,worldlys1 the ,gildings1 and the ,kindharts and the ,wellborns4 ,with yourselves that makes twelve4 ,you can't have more than twelve because you have only a dozen of everything2 in fact you decide that twelve will be pretty crowded1 but that it will be safe to ask that number because a few are sure to regret4 ,so you write notes 7since it is to be a formal dinner71 and--they all accept6 ,you are a little worried about the size of the dining-room1 but you are overcome by the feeling of your popularity4 ,now the thing to do is to prepare for a dinner4 ,the fact that ,nora probably can't make fancy dishes does not bother you a bit4 ,in your mind's eye you see delicious plain food passed2 you must get ,sigrid a dress that properly fits her1 and ,delia1 the chambermaid 7who was engaged with the understanding that she was to serve in the dining-room when there was company71 has not yet been at table1 but she is a very willing young person who will surely look well4 ,nora1 when you tell her who are coming1 eagerly suggests the sort of menu that would appear on the table of the ,worldlys or the ,gildings4 ,you are thrilled at the thought of your own kitchen producing the same4 ,that it may be the same in name only1 does not occur to you4 ,you order flowers for the table1 and candy for your four compotiers4 ,you pick out your best tablecloth1 but you find rather to your amazement that when the waitress asks you about setting the table1 you have never noticed in detail how the places are laid4 ,knives and spoons go on the right of the plate1 of course1 and forks on the left1 but which goes next to the plate1 or whether the wine glasses should stand nearer or beyond the goblet you can only guess4 ,it is quite simple1 however1 to give directions in serving2 you just tell the chambermaid that she is to follow the waitress1 and pass the sauces and the vegetables4 ,and you have already explained carefully to the latter that she must not deal plates around the table like a pack of cards1 or ever take them off in piles either4 7,that much at least you do know47 ,you also make it a point above everything that the silver must be very clean2 ,sigrid seems to understand1 and with the optimism of youth1 you approach the dinner hour without misgiving4 ,the table1 set with your wedding silver and glass1 looks quite nice4 ,you are a little worried about the silver--it does look rather yellow1 but perhaps it is just a shadow4 ,then you notice there are a great many forks on the table6 ,you ask your husband what is the matter with the forks8 ,he does not see anything wrong4 ,you need them all for the dinner you ordered1 how can there be less8 ,so you straighten a candlestick that was out of line1 and put the place cards on4 ,then you go into the drawing-room4 ,you don't light the fire until the last moment1 because you want it to be burning brightly when your guests arrive4 ,your drawing-room looks a little stiff somehow1 but an open fire more than anything else makes a room inviting1 and you light it just as your first guest rings the bell4 ,as ,mr4 ,clubwin ,doe enters1 the room looks charming1 then suddenly the fire smokes1 and in the midst of the smoke your other guests arrive4 ,every one begins to cough and blink4 ,they are very polite1 but the smoke1 growing each moment denser1 is not to be overlooked4 ,mrs4 ,toplofty takes matters in her own hands and makes ,mr4 ,doe and your husband carry the logs1 smoke and all1 and throw them into the yard4 ,the room still thick with smoke is now cheerlessly fireless1 and another factor beginning to distress you is that1 although everyone has arrived1 there is no sign of dinner4 ,you wait1 at first merely eager to get out of the smoke-filled drawing-room4 ,gradually you are becoming nervous--what can have happened8 ,the dining-room door might be that of a tomb for all the evidence of life behind it4 ,you become really alarmed4 ,is dinner never going to be served8 ,everyone's eyes are red from the smoke1 and conversation is getting weaker and weaker4 ,mrs4 ,toplofty--evidently despairing--sits down4 ,mrs4 ,worldly also sits1 both hold their eyes shut and say nothing4 ,at last the dining-room door opens1 and ,sigrid instead of bowing slightly and saying in a low tone of voice1 ,dinner is served1 stands stiff as a block of wood1 and fairly shouts3 ,dinner's all ready6 ,you hope no one heard her1 but you know very well that nothing escaped any one of those present4 ,and between the smoke and the delay and your waitress' manners1 you are already thoroughly mortified by the time you reach the table4 ,but you hope that at least the dinner will be good4 ,for the first time you are assailed with doubt on that score4 ,and again you wait1 but the oyster course is all right4 ,and then comes the soup4 ,you don't have to taste it to see that it is wrong4 ,it looks not at all as clear soup should6 ,its color1 instead of being glass-clear amber1 is greasy-looking brown4 ,you taste it1 fearing the worst1 and the worst is realized4 ,it tastes like dish-water--and is barely tepid4 ,you look around the table2 ,mr4 ,kindhart alone is trying to eat it4 ,in removing the plates1 ,delia1 the assistant1 takes them up by piling one on top of the other1 clashing them together as she does so4 ,you can feel ,mrs4 ,worldly looking with almost hypnotized fascination--as her attention might be drawn to a street accident against her will4 ,then there is a wait4 ,you wait and wait1 and looking in front of you1 you notice the bare tablecloth without a plate4 ,you know instantly that the service is wrong1 but you find yourself puzzled to know how it should have been done4 ,finally ,sigrid comes in with a whole dozen plates stacked in a pile1 which she proceeds to deal around the table4 ,you at least know that to try to interfere would only make matters worse4 ,you hold your own cold fingers in your lap knowing that you must sit there1 and that you can do nothing4 ,the fish which was to have been a mousse with ,hollandaise sauce1 is a huge mound1 much too big for the platter1 with a narrow gutter of water around the edge and the center dabbed over with a curdled yellow mess4 ,you realize that not only is the food itself awful1 but that the quantity is too great for one dish4 ,you don't know what to do next2 you know there is no use in apologizing1 there is no way of dropping through the floor1 or waking yourself up4 ,you have collected the smartest and the most critical people around your table to put them to torture such as they will never forget4 ,never6 ,you have to bite your lips to keep from crying4 ,whatever possessed you to ask these people to your horrible house8 ,mr4 ,kindhart1 sitting next to you1 says gently1 ,cheer up1 little girl1 it doesn't really matter6 ,and then you know to the full how terrible the situation is4 ,the meal is endless2 each course is equally unappetizing to look at1 and abominably served4 ,you notice that none of your guests eat anything4 ,they can't4 ,you leave the table literally sick1 but realizing fully that the giving of a dinner is not as easy as you thought4 ,and in the drawing-room1 which is now fireless and freezing1 but at least smokeless1 you start to apologize and burst into tears6 ,as you are very young1 and those present are all really fond of you1 they try to be comforting1 but you know that it will be years 7if ever7 before any of them will be willing to risk an evening in your house again4 ,you also know that without malice1 but in truth and frankness1 they will tell everyone3 ,whatever you do1 don't dine with the ,newweds unless you eat your dinner before you go1 and wear black glasses so no sight can offend you4 ,when they have all gone1 you drag yourself miserably up-stairs1 feeling that you never want to look in that drawing-room or dining-room again4 ,your husband1 remembering the trenches1 tries to tell you it was not so bad6 ,but you know6 ,you lie awake planning to let the house1 and to discharge each one of your awful household the next morning1 and then you realize that the fault is not a bit more theirs than yours4 ,if you had tried the chimney first1 and learned its peculiarities2 if you yourself had known every detail of cooking and service1 of course you would not have attempted to give the dinner in the first place2 not at least until1 through giving little dinners1 the technique of your household had become good enough to give a big one4 ,on the other hand1 supposing that you had had a very experienced cook and waitress2 dinner would1 of course1 not have been bungled1 but it would have lacked something1 somewhere1 if you added nothing of your own personality to its perfection4 ,it is almost safe to make the statement that no dinner is ever really well done unless the hostess herself knows every smallest detail thoroughly4 ,mrs4 ,worldly pays seemingly no attention1 but nothing escapes her4 ,she can walk through a room without appearing to look either to the right or left1 yet if the slightest detail is amiss1 an ornament out of place1 or there is one dull button on a footman's livery1 her house telephone is rung at once6 ,having generalized by drawing two pictures1 it is now time to take up the specific details to be considered in giving a dinner4 ,,detailed ,,directions ,,for ,,dinner ,,giving ,the requisites at every dinner1 whether a great one of #bjj covers1 or a little one of six1 are as follows3 ,guests4 ,people who are congenial to one another4 ,this is of first importance4 ,food4 ,a suitable menu perfectly prepared and dished4 7,hot food to be hot1 and cold1 cold47 ,table furnishing4 ,faultlessly laundered linen1 brilliantly polished silver1 and all other table accessories suitable to the occasion and surroundings4 ,service4 ,expert dining-room servants and enough of them4 ,drawing-room4 ,adequate in size to number of guests and inviting in arrangement4 ,a cordial and hospitable host4 ,a hostess of charm4 ,charm says everything--tact1 sympathy1 poise and perfect manners--always4 ,and though for all dinners these requisites are much the same1 the necessity for perfection increases in proportion to the formality of the occasion4 ,,taste ,,in ,,selection ,,of ,,people ,the proper selection of guests is the first essential in all entertaining1 and the hostess who has a talent for assembling the right people has a great asset4 ,taste in house furnishings or in clothes or in selecting a cook1 is as nothing compared to taste in people6 ,some people have this sense--others haven't4 ,the first are the great hosts and hostesses2 the others are the mediocre or the failures4 ,it is usually a mistake to invite great talkers together4 ,brilliant men and women who love to talk want hearers1 not rivals4 ,very silent people should be sandwiched between good talkers1 or at least voluble talkers4 ,silly people should never be put anywhere near learned ones1 nor the dull near the clever1 unless the dull one is a young and pretty woman with a talent for listening1 and the clever1 a man with an admiration for beauty1 and a love for talking4 ,most people think two brilliant people should be put together4 ,often they should1 but with discretion4 ,if both are voluble or nervous or temperamental1 you may create a situation like putting two operatic sopranos in the same part and expecting them to sing together4 ,the endeavor of a hostess1 when seating her table1 is to put those together who are likely to be interesting to each other4 ,professor ,bugge might bore you to tears1 but ,mrs4 ,entomoid would probably delight in him2 just as ,mr4 ,stocksan ,bonds and ,mrs4 ,rich would probably have interests in common4 ,making a dinner list is a little like making a ,christmas list4 ,you put down what they will 7you hope7 like1 not what you like4 ,those who are placed between congenial neighbors remember your dinner as delightful--even though both food and service were mediocre2 but ask people out of their own groups and seat them next to their pet aversions1 and wild horses could not drag them to your house again6 ,,how ,a ,,dinner ,,list ,,is ,,kept ,nearly every hostess keeps a dinner list--apart from her general visiting list--of people with whom she is accustomed to dine1 or to invite to dinner or other small entertainments4 ,but the prominent hostess1 if she has grown daughters and continually gives parties of all sorts and sizes and ages1 usually keeps her list in a more complete and ready reference order4 ,mrs4 ,gilding1 for instance1 has guest lists separately indexed4 ,under the general heading ,dinners1 she has older married1 younger married1 girls1 men4 ,her luncheon list is taken from her dinner list4 ,bridge includes especially good players of all ages2 dances1 young married people1 young girls1 and dancing men4 ,then she has a cross-index list of ,important ,persons1 meaning those of real distinction who are always the foundation of all good society2 ,amusing1 usually people of talent--invaluable for house parties2 and ,new ,people1 including many varieties and unassorted4 ,mrs4 ,gilding exchanges invitations with a number of these because they are interesting or amusing1 or because their parties are diverting and dazzling4 ,and ,mrs4 ,gilding herself1 being typical of ,new ,york's ,cavalier element rather than its ,puritan strain1 personally prefers diversion to edification4 ,needless to say1 ,boston's ,best1 being ninety-eight per cent4 ,puritan1 has no new list4 ,besides her list of ,new ,people1 she has a short frivolous list of other ,cavaliers like herself1 and a ,neutral list1 which is the most valuable of all because it comprises those who go with everyone4 ,besides her own lists she has a ,pantry list1 a list that is actually made out for the benefit of the butler1 so that on occasions he can invite guests to fill in4 ,the ,pantry list comprises only intimate friends who belong on the ,neutral list and fit in everywhere2 young girls and young and older single men4 ,allowing the butler to invite guests at his own discretion is not quite as casual as it sounds4 ,it is very often an unavoidable expedient4 ,for instance1 at four o'clock in the afternoon1 ,mr4 ,blank telephones that he cannot come to dinner that same evening4 ,mrs4 ,gilding is out2 to wait until she returns will make it too late to fill the place4 ,her butler who has been with her for years knows quite as well as ,mrs4 ,gilding herself exactly which people belong in the same group4 ,the dinner cards being already in his possession1 he can see not only who is expected for dinner but the two ladies between whom ,mr4 ,blank has been placed1 and he thereupon selects some one on the ,pantry list who is suitable for ,mr4 ,blank's place at the table1 and telephones the invitation4 ,perhaps he calls up a dozen before he finds one disengaged4 ,when ,mrs4 ,gilding returns he says1 ,mr4 ,blank telephoned he would not be able to come for dinner as he was called to ,washington4 ,mr4 ,bachelor will be happy to come in his place4 ,married people are seldom on this list1 because the butler need not undertake to fill any but an odd place--that of a gentleman particularly4 ,otherwise two ladies would be seated together4 ,,asking ,,someone ,,to ,,fill ,a ,,place ,since no one but a fairly intimate friend is ever asked to fill a place1 this invitation is always telephoned4 ,a very young man is asked by the butler if he will dine with ,mrs4 ,gilding that evening1 and very likely no explanation is made2 but if the person to be invited is a lady or an older gentleman 7except on such occasions as noted above71 the hostess herself telephones3 ,can you do me a great favor and fill a place at dinner to-night8 ,the one who receives this invitation is rather bound by the rules of good manners to accept if possible4 ,,importance ,,of ,,dinner ,,engagements ,dinner invitations must be answered immediately2 engraved or written ones by return post1 or those which were telephoned1 by telephone and at once6 ,also1 nothing but serious illness or death or an utterly unavoidable accident can excuse the breaking of a dinner engagement4 ,to accept a dinner at ,mrs4 ,nobody's and then break the obligation upon being invited to dine with the ,worldlys1 proclaims anyone capable of such rudeness an unmitigated snob1 whom ,mrs4 ,worldly would be the first to cut from her visiting list if she knew of it4 ,the rule is3 ,don't accept an invitation if you don't care about it4 ,having declined the ,nobody invitation in the first place1 you are then free to accept ,mrs4 ,worldly's1 or to stay at home4 ,there are times1 however1 when engagements between very close friends or members of the family may perhaps be broken1 but only if made with the special stipulation3 ,come to dinner with us alone ,thursday if nothing better turns up6 ,and the other answers1 ,i'd love to--and you let me know too1 if you want to do anything else4 ,meanwhile if one of them is invited to something unusually tempting1 there is no rudeness in telephoning her friend1 ,lucy has asked us to hear ,galli-,curci on ,thursday6 and the other says1 ,go1 by all means6 ,we can dine ,tuesday next week if you like1 or come ,sunday for supper4 ,this privilege of intimacy can1 however1 be abused4 ,an engagement1 even with a member of one's family1 ought never to be broken twice within a brief period1 or it becomes apparent that the other's presence is more a fill-in of idle time than a longed-for pleasure4 ,,the ,,menu ,it may be due to the war period1 which accustomed everyone to going with very little meat and to marked reduction in all food1 or it may be1 of course1 merely vanity that is causing even grandparents to aspire to svelte figures1 but whatever the cause1 people are putting much less food on their tables than formerly4 ,the very rich1 living in the biggest houses with the most imposing array of servants1 sit down to three1 or at most four1 courses when alone1 or when intimate friends who are known to have moderate appetites1 are dining with them4 ,under no circumstances would a private dinner1 no matter how formal1 consist of more than3 #a4 ,hors d'oeuvre #b4 ,soup #c4 ,fish #d4 ,entre #e4 ,roast #f4 ,salad #g4 ,dessert #h4 ,coffee ,the menu for an informal dinner would leave out the entre1 and possibly either the hors d'oeuvre or the soup4 ,as a matter of fact1 the marked shortening of the menu is in informal dinners and at the home table of the well-to-do4 ,formal dinners have been as short as the above schedule for twenty-five years4 ,a dinner interlarded with a row of extra entres1 ,roman punch1 and hot dessert is unknown except at a public dinner1 or in the dining-room of a parvenu4 ,about thirty-five years ago such dinners are said to have been in fashion6 ,,the ,,balanced ,,menu ,one should always try to choose well-balanced dishes2 an especially rich dish balanced by a simple one4 ,timbale with a very rich sauce of cream and pt de foie gras might perhaps be followed by ,french chops1 broiled chicken or some other light1 plain meat4 ,an entre of about four broiled mushrooms on a small round of toast should be followed by boned capon or saddle of mutton or spring lamb4 ,it is equally bad to give your guests very peculiar food unless as an extra dish4 ,some people love highly flavored ,spanish or ,indian dishes1 but they are not appropriate for a formal dinner4 ,at an informal dinner an ,indian curry or ,spanish enchillada for one dish is delicious for those who like it1 and if you have another substantial dish such as a plain roast which practically everyone is able to eat1 those who don't like ,indian food can make their dinner of the other course4 ,it is the same way with the ,italian dishes4 ,one hating garlic and onions would be very wretched if onions were put in each and every course1 and liberally4 ,with ,indian curry1 a fatally bad selection would be a very peppery soup1 such as croute au pot filled with pepper1 and fish with green peppers1 and then the curry1 and then something casserole filled again with peppers and onions and other throat-searing ingredients1 finishing with an endive salad4 ,yet more than one hostess has done exactly this4 ,or equally bad is a dinner of flavorless white sauces from beginning to end2 a creamed soup1 boiled fish with white sauce1 then vol au vent of creamed sweetbreads1 followed by breast of chicken and mashed potatoes and cauliflower1 palm root salad1 vanilla ice cream and lady-cake4 ,each thing is good in itself but dreadful in the monotony of its combination4 ,another thing3 although a dinner should not be long1 neither should it consist of samples1 especially if set before men who are hungry6 ,the following menu might seem at first glance a good dinner1 but it is one from which the average man would go home and forage ravenously in the ice box3 ,a canap 7good1 but merely an appetizer7 ,clear soup 7a dinner party helping1 and no substance7 ,smelts 7one apiece7 ,individual croutards of sweetbreads 7holding about a dessert-spoonful7 ,broiled squab1 small potato croquette1 and string beans ,lettuce salad1 with about one small cracker apiece ,ice cream ,the only thing that had any sustaining quality1 barring the potato which was not more than a mouthful1 was the last1 and very few men care to make their dinner of ice cream4 ,if instead of squab there had been filet of beef cut in generous slices1 and the potato croquettes had been more numerous1 it would have been adequate4 ,or if there had been a thick cream soup1 and a fish with more substance--such as salmon or shad1 or a baked thick fish of which he could have had a generous helping--the squab would have been adequate also4 ,but many women order trimmings rather than food2 men usually like food4 ,,the ,,dinner ,,table ,,of ,,yesterday ,all of us old enough to remember the beginning of this century can bring to mind the typical 7and most fashionable7 dinner table of that time4 ,occasionally it was oblong or rectangular1 but its favorite shape was round1 and a thick white damask cloth hung to the floor on all sides4 ,often as not there was a large lace centerpiece1 and in the middle of it was a floral mound of roses 7like a funeral piece1 exactly71 usually red4 ,the four compotiers were much scrolled and embossed1 and the four candlesticks1 also scrolled1 but not to match1 had shades of perforated silver over red silk linings1 like those in restaurants to-day4 ,and there was a gas droplight thickly petticoated with fringed red silk4 ,the plates were always heavily jewelled and hand painted1 and enough forks and knives and spoons were arrayed at each place for a dozen courses4 ,the glasses numbered at least six1 and the entire table was laden with little dishes--and spoons6 ,there were olives1 radishes1 celery and salted nuts in glass dishes2 and about ten kinds of sugar-plums in ten different styles of ornate and bumpy silver dishes2 and wherever a small space of tablecloth showed through1 it was filled with either a big ,apostle spoon or little ,dutch ones criss-crossed4 ,bread was always rolled in the napkin 7and usually fell on the floor7 and the oysters were occasionally found already placed on the table when the guests came in to dinner6 ,loading a table to the utmost of its capacity with useless implements which only in rarest instances had the least value1 would seem to prove that quantity without quality must have been thought evidence of elegance and generous hospitality6 ,and the astounding part of the bad taste epidemic was that few if any escaped4 ,even those who had inherited colonial silver and glass and china of consummate beauty1 sent it dust-gathering to the attic and cluttered their tables with stuffy and spurious lumber4 ,but to-day the classic has come into its own again6 ,as though recovering from an illness1 good taste is again demanding severe beauty of form and line1 and banishing everything that is useless or superfluous4 ,during the last twenty years most of us have sent an army of lumpy dishes to the melting-pot1 and junky ornaments to the ash heap along with plush table covers1 upholstered mantel-boards and fern dishes6 ,to-day we are going almost to the extreme of bareness1 and putting nothing on our tables not actually needed for use4 ,,the ,,dining-,,room ,it is scarcely necessary to point out that the bigger and more ambitious the house1 the more perfect its appointments must be4 ,if your house has a great ,georgian dining-room1 the table should be set with ,georgian or an earlier period ,english silver4 ,furthermore1 in a great dining-room1 all the silver should be real6 ,real meaning nothing so trifling as sterling1 but genuine and important period pieces made by ,eighteenth ,century silversmiths1 such as de ,lamerie or ,crespell or ,buck or ,robertson1 or perhaps one of their predecessors4 ,or if1 like ,mrs4 ,oldname1 you live in an old ,colonial house1 you are perhaps also lucky enough to have inherited some genuine ,american pieces made by ,daniel ,rogers or ,paul ,revere6 ,or if you are an ardent admirer of ,early ,italian architecture and have built yourself a ,fifteenth ,century stone-floored and frescoed or tapestry-hung dining room1 you must set your long refectory table with a runner of old hand-linen and altar embroidery1 or perhaps ,thirteenth ,century damask and great cisterns or ewers and beakers in high-relief silver and gold2 or in ,callazzioli or majolica1 with great bowls of fruit and church candlesticks of gilt1 and even follow as far as is practicable the crude table implements of that time4 ,it need not be pointed out that ,twentieth ,century appurtenances in a ,thirteenth or ,fifteenth ,century room are anachronisms4 ,but because the dining-table in the replica of a palace 7whether ,english1 ,italian1 ,spanish or ,french7 may be equipped with great standing cups and candelabra so heavy a man can scarcely lift one1 it does not follow that all the rest of us who live in medium or small houses1 should attempt anything of the sort4 ,nothing could be more out of proportion--and therefore in worse taste4 ,nor is it necessary1 in order to have a table that is inviting1 to set it with any of the completely exquisite things which all people of taste long for1 but which are possessed 7in quantity at least7 only through wealth1 inheritance1 or collector's luck4 ,a ,,pleasing ,,dining-,,room ,,at ,,limited ,,cost ,enchanting dining-rooms and tables have been achieved with an outlay amounting to comparatively nothing4 ,there is a dining-room in a certain small ,new ,york house that is quite as inviting as it is lacking in expensiveness4 ,its walls are rough-plastered ,french gray4 ,its table is an ordinary drop-leaf kitchen one painted a light green that is almost gray2 the chairs are wooden ones1 somewhat on the ,windsor variety1 but made of pine and painted like the table1 and the side tables or consoles are made of a cheap round pine table which has been sawed in half1 painted gray-green1 and the legless sides fastened to the walls4 ,the glass curtains are point d'esprit net with a deep flounce at the bottom and outside curtains are 7expensive7 watermelon pink changeable taffeta4 ,there is a gilt mirror over a cream 7absolutely plain7 mantel and over each console a picture of a conventional bouquet of flowers in a flat frame the color of the furniture1 with the watermelon color of the curtains predominating in a neutral tint background4 ,the table is set with a rather coarse cream-colored linen drawn-work centerpiece 7a tea cloth actually7 big enough to cover all but three inches of table edge4 ,in the middle of the table is a glass bowl with a wide turn-over rim1 holding deep pink flowers 7roses or tulips7 standing upright in glass flower holders as though growing4 ,in midwinter1 when real flowers are too expensive1 porcelain ones take their place--unless there is a lunch or dinner party4 ,the compotiers are glass urns and the only pieces of silver used are two tall ,sheffield candelabra at night1 without shades1 the salts and peppers and the necessary spoons and forks4 ,the knives are ivory handled4 ,,setting ,,the ,,table ,everything on the table must be geometrically spaced2 the centerpiece in the actual center1 the places at equal distances1 and all utensils balanced2 beyond this one rule you may set your table as you choose4 ,if the tablecloth is of white damask1 which for dinner is always good style1 a felt must be put under it4 7,to say that it must be smooth and white1 in other words perfectly laundered1 is as beside the mark as to say that faces and hands should be clean67 ,if the tablecloth has lace insertions1 it must on no account be put over satin or over a color4 ,in a very important dining-room and on a very large table1 a cloth of plain and finest quality damask with no trimming other than a monogram 7or crest7 embroidered on either side1 is in better taste than one of linen with elaborations of lace and embroidery4 ,damask is the old-fashioned but essentially conservative 7and safely best style7 tablecloth1 especially1 suitable in a high-ceilinged room that is either ,english1 ,french1 or of no special period1 in decoration4 ,lace tablecloths are better suited to an ,italian room--especially if the table is a refectory one4 ,handkerchief linen tablecloths embroidered and lace-inserted are also1 strangely enough1 suited to all quaint1 low-ceilinged1 old-fashioned but beautifully appointed rooms2 the reason being that the lace cloth is put over a bare table4 ,the lace cloth must also go over a refectory table without felt or other lining4 ,very high-studded rooms 7unless ,italian7 on the other hand1 seem to need the thickness of damask4 ,to be sure1 one does see in certain houses--at the ,gildings' for instance--an elaborate lace and embroidery tablecloth put on top of a plain one which in turn goes over a felt1 but this combination is always somewhat overpowering1 whereas lace over a bare table is light and fragile4 ,another thing--very ornate1 large1 and arabesqued designs1 no matter how marvellous as examples of workmanship1 inevitably produce a vulgar effect4 ,all needlework1 whether to be used on the table or on a bed1 must1 in a beautifully finished house1 be fine rather than striking4 ,coarse linen1 coarse embroideries1 all sorts of ,russian drawn-work1 ,italian needlework or mosaic 7but avoiding big scrolled patterns71 are in perfect keeping--and therefore in good taste--in a cottage1 a bungalow or a house whose furnishings are not too fine4 ,but whatever type of cloth is used1 the middle crease must be put on so that it is an absolutely straight and unwavering line down the exact center from head to foot4 ,if it is an embroidered one1 be sure the embroidery is right side out4 ,next goes the centerpiece which is always the chief ornament4 ,usually this is an arrangement of flowers in either a bowl or a vase1 but it can be any one of an almost unlimited variety of things2 flowers or fruit in any arrangement that taste and ingenuity can devise2 or an ornament in silver that needs no flowers1 such as a covered cup2 or an epergne1 which1 however1 necessitates the use of fruit1 flowers or candy4 ,mrs4 ,wellborn1 for instance1 whose heirlooms are better than her income1 rarely uses flowers1 but has a wonderful old centerpiece that is ornament enough in itself4 ,the foundation is a mirror representing a lake1 surrounded by silver rocks and grass4 ,at one side1 jutting into the lake1 is a knoll with a group of trees sheltering a stag and doe4 ,the ornament is entirely of silver1 almost twenty inches high1 and about twenty inches in diameter across the lake4 ,the ,normans have a full-rigged silver ship in the center of their table and at either end rather tall lanterns1 ,venetian really1 but rather appropriate to the ship2 and the salt cellars are very tall ones 7about ten inches high71 of sea shells supported on the backs of dolphins4 ,however1 to go back to table setting3 ,a cloth laid straight2 then a centerpiece put in the middle2 then four candlesticks at the four corners1 about half-way between the center and the edge of the table1 or two candelabra at either end halfway between the places of the host and hostess and the centerpiece4 ,candles are used with or without shades4 ,fashion at the moment1 says without1 which means that1 in order to bring the flame well above people's eyes1 candlesticks or candelabra must be high and the candles as long as the proportion can stand4 ,longer candles can be put in massive candlesticks than in fragile ones4 ,but whether shaded or not1 there are candles on all dinner tables always6 ,the center droplight has gone out entirely4 ,electroliers in candlesticks were never good style1 and kerosene lamps in candlesticks--horrible6 ,fashion says1 ,candles6 preferably without shades1 but shades if you insist1 and few or many--but candles6 ,next comes the setting of the places4 7,if it is an extension table1 leaves have1 of course1 been put in2 or if it is stationary1 guests have been invited according to its size47 ,the distance between places at the table must never be so short that guests have no elbow room1 and that the servants can not pass the dishes properly2 when the dining-room chairs are very high backed and are placed so close as to be almost touching1 it is impossible for them not to risk spilling something over some one4 ,on the other hand1 to place people a yard or more apart so that conversation has to be shouted into the din made by everyone else's shouting1 is equally trying4 ,about two feet from plate center to plate center is ideal4 ,if the chairs have narrow and low backs1 people can sit much closer together1 especially at a small round table1 the curve of which leaves a spreading wedge of space between the chairs at the back even if the seats touch at the front corners4 ,but on the long straight sides of a rectangular table in a very large--and impressive--dining-room there should be at least a foot of space between the chairs4 ,,setting ,,the ,,places ,the necessary number of plates1 with the pattern or initials right side up1 are first put around the table at equal distances 7spaced with a tape measure if the butler or waitress has not an accurate eye74 ,then on the left of each plate1 handle towards the edge of the table1 and prongs up1 is put the salad fork1 the meat fork is put next1 and then the fish fork4 ,the salad fork1 which will usually be the third used1 is thus laid nearest to the plate4 ,if there is an entre1 the fork for this course is placed between the fish fork and that for the roast and the salad fork is left to be brought in later4 ,on the right of the plate1 and nearest to it1 is put the steel meat knife1 then the silver fish knife1 the edge of each toward the plate4 ,then the soup spoon and then the oyster fork or grape fruit spoon4 ,additional forks and knives are put on the table during dinner4 ,in putting on the glasses1 the water goblet is at the top and to the right of the knives1 and the wine glasses are either grouped to the right of the goblet1 or in a straight line slanting down from the goblet obliquely towards the right4 7,butter plates are never put on a dinner table47 ,a dinner napkin folded square and flat is laid on each place plate2 very fancy foldings are not in good taste1 but if the napkin is very large1 the sides are folded in so as to make a flattened roll a third the width of its height4 7,bread should not be put in the napkin--not nowadays47 ,the place cards are usually put above the plate on the tablecloth1 but some people put them on top of the napkin because they are more easily read4 ,when the places have been set1 four silver dishes 7or more on a very big table71 either bowl or basket or paten shaped1 are put at the four corners1 between the candlesticks 7or candelabra7 and the centerpiece2 or wherever there are four equally spaced vacancies on the table4 ,these dishes1 or compotiers1 hold candy or fruit1 chosen less for taste than for decorative appearance4 ,on a very large table the four compotiers are filled with candy1 and two or four larger silver dishes or baskets are filled with fruit and put on alternately with the candy dishes4 ,flowers are also often put in two or four smaller vases1 in addition to a larger and dominating one in the center4 ,peppers and salts should be put at every other place4 ,for a dinner of twelve there should be six salt cellars at least1 if not six pepper pots4 ,olives and radishes are served from the side table1 but salted nuts are often put on the dinner table either in two big silver dishes1 or in small individual ones4 ,,have ,,silver ,,that ,,shines ,,or ,,none ,lots of people who would not dream of using a wrinkled tablecloth or chipped glass or china1 seem perfectly blind to dirty silver--silver that is washed clean of food of course1 but so dull that it looks like jaundiced pewter4 ,don't put any silver on your table if you can't have it cleaned4 ,infinitely rather have every ornament of glass or china--and if knives and forks have crevices in the design of their handles that are hard to clean1 buy plain plated ones1 or use tin6 ,anything is better than yellow-faced dirty-finger-nailed silver4 ,the first thing to ask in engaging a waitress is1 ,can you clean silver8 ,if she can't1 she would better be something else4 ,of course no waitress and no single-handed butler can keep silver the way it is kept in such houses as the ,worldlys'1 nor is such perfection expected4 ,the silver polishing of perfection in huge houses is done by such an expert that no one can tell whether a fork has that moment been sent from the silversmiths or not4 ,it is not merely polished until it is bright1 but burnished so that it is new6 ,every piece of silver in certain of the great establishments1 or in smaller ones that are run like a great one1 is never picked up by a servant except with a rouged chamois4 ,no piece of silver is ever allowed by the slightest chance to touch another piece4 ,every piece is washed separately4 ,the footman who gathers two or three forks in a bunch will never do it a second time1 and keep his place4 ,if the ring of a guest should happen to scratch a knife handle or a fork1 the silver-polisher may have to spend an entire day using his thumb or a silver buffer1 and rub and rub until no vestige of a scratch remains4 ,perfection such as this is attainable only in a great house where servants are specialists of super-efficiency2 but in every perfectly run house1 where service is not too limited1 every piece of silver that is put on the table1 at every meal1 is handled with a rouged chamois and given a quick wipe-off as it is laid on the dining table4 ,no silver should ever be picked up in the fingers as that always leaves a mark4 ,and the way moderate households1 which are nevertheless perfectly run for their size and type1 have burnished silver1 is by using not more than they can have cleaned4 ,in view of the present high cost of living 7including wages7 and the consequent difficulty1 with a reduced number of servants1 of keeping a great quantity of silver brilliant1 even the most fashionable people are more and more using only what is essential1 and in occasional instances1 are taking to china6 ,people who are lucky enough to have well-stored attics these days are bringing treasures out of them4 ,but services of ,swansea or ,lowestoft or ,spode1 while easily cleaned1 are equally easily broken1 so that genuine ,eighteenth ,century pieces are more apt to see a cabinet than a dinner table4 ,but the modern manufacturers are making enchanting sets that are replicas of the old4 ,these tea sets with cups and saucers to match and with a silver kettle and tray1 are seen almost as often as silver services in simple houses in the country1 as well as in the small apartment in town4 ,,don',,ts ,,in ,,table ,,setting6 ,don't put ribbon trimmings on your table4 ,satin bands and bows have no more place on a lady's table than have chop-house appurtenances4 ,pickle jars1 catsup bottles1 toothpicks and crackers are not private-house table ornaments4 ,crackers are passed with oyster stew and with salad1 and any one who wants relishes can have them in his own house 7though they insult the cook674 ,at all events1 pickles and tomato sauces and other cold meat condiments are never presented at table in a bottle1 but are put in glass dishes with small serving spoons4 ,nothing is ever served from the jar or bottle it comes in except certain kinds of cheese1 ,bar-le-,duc preserves 7only sometimes7 and wines4 ,pickles1 jellies1 jams1 olives1 are all put into small glass dishes4 ,saucers for vegetables are contrary to all etiquette4 ,the only extra plates ever permitted are the bread and butter plates which are put on at breakfast and lunch and supper above and to the left of the forks1 but never at dinner4 ,the crescent-shaped salad plate1 made to fit at the side of the place plate1 is seen rarely in fashionable houses4 ,when two plates are made necessary by the serving of game or broiled chicken or squab1 for which the plate should be very hot1 at the same time as the salad which is cold1 the crescent-shaped plate is convenient in that it takes little room4 ,a correct and very good serving dish for a family of two1 is the vegetable dish that has a partition dividing it into two or even three divisions1 so that a small quantity of two or three vegetables can be passed at the same time4 ,napkin rings are unknown in fashionable houses outside of the nursery4 ,but in large families where it is impossible to manage such a wash as three clean napkins a day entail1 napkin rings are probably necessary4 ,in most moderately run houses1 a napkin that is unrumpled and spotless after a meal1 is put aside and used again for breakfast2 but to be given a napkin that is not perfectly clean is a horrid thought4 ,perhaps though1 the necessity for napkin rings results in the achievement of the immaculate napkin--which is quite a nice thought4 ,,correct ,,service ,,of ,,dinner ,whether there are two at table or two hundred1 plates are changed and courses presented in precisely the same manner4 ,for faultless service1 if there are many accompanied dishes1 two servants are necessary to wait on as few as two persons4 ,but two can also efficiently serve eight2 or with unaccompanied dishes an expert servant can manage eight alone1 and with one assistant1 he can perfectly manage twelve4 ,in old-fashioned times people apparently did not mind waiting tranquilly through courses and between courses1 even though meat grew cold long before the last of many vegetables was passed1 and they waited endlessly while a slow talker and eater finished his topic and his food4 ,but people of to-day do not like to wait an unnecessary second4 ,the moment fish is passed them1 they expect the cucumbers or sauce1 or whatever should go with the fish1 to follow immediately4 ,and when the first servant hands the meat course1 they consider that they should not be expected to wait a moment for a second servant to hand the gravy or jelly or whatever goes with the meat4 ,no service is good in this day unless swift--and1 of course1 soundless4 ,a late leader of ,newport society who had a world-wide reputation for the brilliancy of her entertainments1 had an equally well-known reputation for rapidly served dinners4 ,twenty minutes is quite long enough to sit at table--ever6 is what she used to say1 and what her household had to live up to4 ,she had a footman to about every two guests and any one dining with her had to cling to the edge of his plate or it would be whisked away6 ,one who looked aside or let go for a second found his plate gone6 ,that was extreme2 but1 even so1 better than a snail-paced dinner6 ,,the ,,dinner ,,hour ,in ,america the dinner hour is not a fixture1 since it varies in various sections of the country4 ,the ordinary ,new ,york hour when giving a dinner is eight o'clock1 half past eight in ,newport4 ,in ,new ,york1 when dining and going to the opera1 one is usually asked for seven-fifteen1 and for seven-thirty before going to a play4 ,otherwise only quiet people dine before eight4 ,but invitations should1 of course1 be issued for whatever hour is customary in the place where the dinner is given4 ,,the ,,butler ,,in ,,the ,,dining-,,room ,when the dinner guests enter the dining-room1 it is customary for the butler to hold out the chair of the mistress of the house4 ,this always seems a discourtesy to the guests4 ,and an occasional hostess insists on having the chair of the guest of honor held by the butler instead of her own4 ,if there are footmen enough1 the chair of each lady is held for her2 otherwise the gentleman who takes her in to dinner helps her to be seated4 ,ordinarily where there are two servants1 the head one holds the chair of the hostess and the second1 the chair on the right of the host4 ,the hostess always seats herself as quickly as possible so that the butler may be free to assist a guest to draw her chair up to the table4 ,in a big house the butler always stands throughout a meal back of the hostess' chair1 except when giving one of the men under him a direction1 or when pouring wine4 ,he is not supposed to leave the dining-room himself or ever to handle a dish4 ,in a smaller house where he has no assistant1 he naturally does everything himself2 when he has a second man or parlor-maid1 he passes the principal dishes and the assistant follows with the accompanying dishes or vegetables4 ,so-called ,russian service is the only one known in ,new ,york which merely means that nothing to eat is ever put on the table except ornamental dishes of fruit and candy4 ,the meat is carved in the kitchen or pantry1 vegetables are passed and returned to the side table4 ,only at breakfast or possibly at supper are dishes of food put on the table4 ,,the ,,ever-,,present ,,plate ,from the setting of the table until it is cleared for dessert1 a plate must remain at every cover4 ,under the first two courses there are always two plates4 ,the plate on which oysters or hors d'oeuvres are served is put on top of the place plate4 ,at the end of the course the used plate is removed1 leaving the place plate4 ,the soup plate is also put on top of this same plate4 ,but when the soup plate is removed1 the underneath plate is removed with it1 and a hot plate immediately exchanged for the two taken away4 ,the place plate merely becomes a hot fish plate1 but it is there just the same4 ,the ,exchange ,plate ,if the first course had been a canap or any cold dish that was offered in bulk instead of being brought on separate plates1 it would have been eaten on the place plate1 and an exchange plate would have been necessary before the soup could be served4 ,that is1 a clean plate would have been exchanged for the used one1 and the soup plate then put on top of that4 ,the reason for it is that a plate with food on it can never be exchanged for a plate that has had food on it2 a clean one must come between4 ,if an entre served on individual plates follows the fish1 clean plates are first exchanged for the used ones until the whole table is set with clean plates4 ,then the entre is put at each place in exchange for the clean plate4 ,although dishes are always presented at the left of the person served1 plates are removed and replaced at the right4 ,glasses are poured and additional knives placed at the right1 but forks are put on as needed from the left4 ,may the ,plates for ,two ,persons ,be ,brought in ,together8 ,the only plates that can possibly be brought into the dining-room one in each hand are for the hors d'oeuvres1 soup and dessert4 ,the first two plates are placed on others which have not been removed1 and the dessert plates need merely be put down on the tablecloth4 ,but the plates of every other course have to be exchanged and therefore each individual service requires two hands4 ,soup plates1 two at a time1 would better not be attempted by any but the expert and sure-handed1 as it is in placing one plate1 while holding the other aloft that the mishap of soup poured down some one's back occurs6 ,if only one plate of soup is brought in at a time1 that accident at least cannot happen4 ,in the same way the spoon and fork on the dessert plate can easily fall off1 unless it is held level4 ,two plates at a time therefore is not a question of etiquette1 but of the servant's skill4 ,plate ,removed ,when ,fork ,is ,laid ,down ,once upon a time it was actually considered impolite to remove a single plate until the last guest at the table had finished eating6 ,in other days people evidently did not mind looking at their own dirty plates indefinitely1 nor could they have minded sitting for hours at table4 ,good service to-day requires the removal of each plate as soon as the fork is laid upon it2 so that by the time the last fork is put down1 the entire table is set with clean plates and is ready for the next course4 ,,double ,,service ,,and ,,the ,,order ,,of ,,table ,,precedence ,at every well-ordered dinner1 there should be a double service for ten or twelve persons2 that is1 no hot dish should1 if avoidable1 be presented to more than six1 or nine at the outside4 ,at a dinner of twelve1 for instance1 two dishes each holding six portions1 are garnished exactly alike and presented at opposite ends of the table4 ,one to the lady on the right of the host1 and the other to the lady at the opposite end of the table4 ,the services continue around to the right1 but occasional butlers direct that after serving the lady of honor on the right of the host1 the host is skipped and the dish presented to the lady on his left1 after which the dish continues around the table to the left1 to ladies and gentlemen as they come4 ,in this event the second service starts opposite the lady of honor and also skips the first gentleman1 after which it goes around the table to the left1 skips the lady of honor and ends with the host4 ,the first service when it reaches the other end of the table skips the lady who was first served and ends with the gentleman who was skipped4 ,it is perhaps more polite to the ladies to give them preference1 but it is complicated1 and leaves another gentleman as well as the host1 sitting between two ladies who are eating while he is apparently forgotten4 ,the object 7which is to prevent the lady who is second in precedence from being served last7 can be accomplished by beginning the first service from the lady on the right of the host and continuing on the right #f places2 the second service begins with the lady on the left of the host and continues on the left five places1 and then comes back to the host4 ,the best way of all1 perhaps1 is to vary the honor by serving the entre and salad courses first to the lady on the left instead of to the lady on the right and continue the service of these two courses to the left4 ,a dinner of eighteen has sometimes two services1 but if very perfect1 three4 ,where there are three services they start with the lady of honor and the sixth from her on either side and continue to the right4 ,,filling ,,glasses ,as soon as the guests are seated and the first course put in front of them1 the butler goes from guest to guest on the right hand side of each1 and asks ,apollinaris or plain water6 and fills the goblet accordingly4 ,in the same way he asks later before pouring wine3 ,cider1 sir8 ,grape fruit cup1 madam8 ,or in a house which has the remains of a cellar1 ,champagne8 or ,do you care for whiskey and soda1 sir8 ,but the temperature and service of wines which used to be an essential detail of every dinner have now no place at all4 ,whether people will offer frappd cider or some other iced drink in the middle of dinner1 and a warmed something else to take the place of claret with the fish1 remains to be seen4 ,a water glass standing alone at each place makes such a meager and untrimmed looking table that most people put on at least two wine glasses1 sherry and champagne1 or claret and sherry1 and pour something pinkish or yellowish into them4 ,a rather popular drink at present is an equal mixture of white grape-juice and ginger ale with mint leaves and much ice4 ,those few who still have cellars1 serve wines exactly as they used to1 white wine1 claret1 sherry and ,burgundy warm1 champagne ice cold2 and after dinner1 green mint poured over crushed ice in little glasses1 and other liqueurs of room temperature4 ,whiskey is always poured at the table over ice in a tall tumbler1 each gentleman saying when by putting his hand out4 ,the glass is then filled with soda or ,apollinaris4 ,as soon as soup is served the parlor-maid or a footman passes a dish or a basket of dinner rolls4 ,if rolls are not available1 bread cut in about two-inch-thick slices1 is cut cross-ways again in three4 ,an old-fashioned silver cake basket makes a perfect modern bread-basket4 ,or a small wicker basket that is shallow and inconspicuous will do4 ,a guest helps himself with his fingers and lays the roll or bread on the tablecloth1 always4 ,no bread plates are ever on a table where there is no butter1 and no butter is ever served at a dinner4 ,whenever there is no bread left at any one's place at table1 more should be passed4 ,the glasses should also be kept filled4 ,,presenting ,,dishes ,dishes are presented held flat on the palm of the servant's right hand2 every hot one must have a napkin placed as a pad under it4 ,an especially heavy meat platter can be steadied if necessary by holding the edge of the platter with the left hand1 the fingers protected from being burned by a second folded napkin4 ,each dish is supplied with whatever implements are needed for helping it2 a serving spoon 7somewhat larger than an ordinary tablespoon7 is put on all dishes and a fork of large size is added for fish1 meat1 salad and any vegetables or other dishes that are hard to help4 ,string beans1 braised celery1 spinach en branche1 etc41 need a fork and spoon4 ,asparagus has various special lifters and tongs1 but most people use the ordinary spoon and fork1 putting the spoon underneath and the fork1 prongs down1 to hold the stalks on the spoon while being removed to the plate4 ,corn on the cob is taken with the fingers1 but is never served at a dinner party4 ,a galantine or mousse1 as well as peas1 mashed potatoes1 rice1 etc41 are offered with a spoon only4 ,,the ,,serving ,,table ,the serving table is an ordinary table placed in the corner of the dining-room near the door to the pantry1 and behind a screen1 so that it may not be seen by the guests at table4 ,in a small dining-room where space is limited1 a set of shelves like a single bookcase is useful4 ,the serving table is a halfway station between the dinner table and the pantry4 ,it holds stacks of cold plates1 extra forks and knives1 and the finger bowls and dessert plates4 ,the latter are sometimes put out on the sideboard1 if the serving table is small or too crowded4 ,at little informal dinners all dishes of food after being passed are left on the serving table in case they are called upon for a second helping4 ,but at formal dinners1 dishes are never passed twice1 and are therefore taken direct to the pantry after being passed4 ,,clearing ,,table ,,for ,,dessert ,at dinner always1 whether at a formal one1 or whether a member of the family is alone1 the salad plates1 or the plates of whatever course precedes dessert1 are removed1 leaving the table plateless4 ,the salt cellars and pepper pots are taken off on the serving tray 7without being put on any napkin or doily1 as used to be the custom71 and the crumbs are brushed off each place at table with a folded napkin onto a tray held under the table edge4 ,a silver crumb scraper is still seen occasionally when the tablecloth is plain1 but its hard edge is not suitable for embroidery and lace1 and ruinous to a bare table1 so that a napkin folded to about the size and thickness of an iron-holder is the crumb-scraper of to-day4 ,,dessert ,the captious say dessert means the fruit and candy which come after the ices4 ,ices is a misleading word too1 because suggestive of the individual ices which flourished at private dinners in the ,victorian age1 and still survive at public dinners1 suppers at balls1 and at wedding breakfasts1 but which are seen at not more than one private dinner in a thousand--if that4 ,in the present world of fashion the dessert is ice-cream1 served in one mold2 not ices 7a lot of little frozen images74 ,and the refusal to call the sweets at the end of the dinner1 which certainly include ice cream and cake1 dessert1 is at least not the interpretation of either good usage or good society4 ,in ,france1 where the word dessert originated1 ices were set apart from dessert merely because ,french chefs delight in designating each item of a meal as a separate course4 ,but chefs and cook-books notwithstanding1 dessert means everything sweet that comes at the end of a meal4 ,and the great ,american dessert is ice cream--or pie4 ,pie1 however1 is not a company dessert4 ,ice cream on the other hand is the inevitable conclusion of a formal dinner4 ,the fact that the spoon which is double the size of a teaspoon is known as nothing but a dessert spoon1 is offered in further proof that dessert is spoon and not finger food6 ,dessert ,service ,there are two1 almost equally used1 methods of serving dessert4 ,the first or hotel method1 also seen in many fashionable private houses1 is to put on a china plate for ice cream or a first course1 and the finger bowl on a plate by itself1 afterwards4 ,in the private house service1 the entire dessert paraphernalia is put on at once4 ,in detail3 ,in the two-course1 or hotel1 service1 the dessert plate is of china1 or if of glass1 it must have a china one under it4 ,a china dessert plate is just a fairly deep medium sized plate and it is always put on the table with a dessert spoon and fork on it4 ,after the inevitable ice cream has been eaten1 a fruit plate with a finger bowl on it1 is put on in exchange4 ,a doily goes under the finger bowl1 and a fruit knife and fork on either side4 ,in the single course1 or private house1 service1 the ice cream plate is of glass and belongs under the finger bowl which it matches4 ,the glass plate and finger bowl in turn are put on the fruit plate with a doily between1 and the dessert spoon and fork go on either side of the finger bowl 7instead of the fruit knife and fork74 ,this arrangement of plates is seen in such houses as the ,worldlys' and the ,oldnames'1 and in fact in most very well done houses4 ,the finger bowls and glass plates that match make a prettier service than the finger bowl on a china plate by itself2 also it eliminates a change--but not a removal--of plates4 ,in this service1 a guest lifts the finger bowl off and eats his ice cream on the glass plate1 after which the glass plate is removed and the china one is left for fruit4 ,some people think this service confusing because an occasional guest1 in lifting off the finger bowl1 lifts the glass plate too1 and eats his dessert on his china plate4 ,it is merely necessary for the servants to notice at which place the china plate has been used and to bring a clean one2 otherwise a cover is left with a glass plate or a bare tablecloth for fruit4 ,also any one taking fruit must have a fruit knife and fork brought to him4 ,fruit is passed immediately after ice-cream2 and chocolates1 conserves1 or whatever the decorative sweets may be1 are passed last4 ,this single service may sound as though it were more complicated than the two-course service1 but actually it is less4 ,few people use the wrong plate and usually the ice-cream plates having others under them can be taken away two at a time4 ,furthermore1 scarcely any one takes fruit1 so that the extra knives and forks are few1 if any4 ,before finishing dessert1 it may be as well to add in detail1 that the finger bowl doiley is about five or six inches in diameter2 it may be round or square1 and of the finest and sheerest needlework that can be found 7or afforded74 ,it must always be cream or white4 ,colored embroideries look well sometimes on a country lunch table but not at dinner4 ,no matter where it is used1 the finger bowl is less than half filled with cold water2 and at dinner parties1 a few violets1 sweet peas1 or occasionally a gardenia1 is put in it4 7,a slice of lemon is never seen outside of a chop-house where eating with the fingers may necessitate the lemon in removing grease4 ,pretty thought67 ,black coffee is never served at a fashionable dinner table1 but is brought afterwards with cigarettes and liqueurs into the drawing-room for the ladies1 and with cigars1 cigarettes and liqueurs into the smoking room for the gentlemen4 ,if there is no smoking-room1 coffee and cigars are brought to the table for the gentlemen after the ladies have gone into the drawing-room4 ,,place ,,cards ,the place cards are usually about an inch and a half high by two inches long1 sometimes slightly larger4 ,people of old family have their crest embossed in plain white2 occasionally an elderly hostess1 following a lifelong custom1 has her husband's crest stamped in gold4 ,nothing other than a crest must ever be engraved on a place card2 and usually they are plain1 even in the houses of old families4 ,years ago hand-painted place cards are said to have been in fashion4 ,but excepting on such occasions as a ,christmas or a birthday dinner1 they are never seen in private houses to-day4 ,,menu ,,cards ,small1 standing porcelain slates1 on which the menu is written1 are seen on occasional dinner tables4 ,most often there is only one which is placed in front of the host2 but sometimes there is one between every two guests4 ,,seating ,,the ,,table ,as has already been observed1 the most practical way to seat the table is to write the names on individual cards first1 and then place them as though playing solitaire2 the guest of honor on the host's right1 the second lady in rank on his left2 the most distinguished or oldest gentleman on the right of the hostess1 and the other guests filled in between4 ,,who ,,is ,,the ,,guest ,,of ,,honor8 ,the guest of honor is the oldest lady present1 or a stranger whom you wish for some reason to honor4 ,a bride at her first dinner in your house1 after her return from her honeymoon1 takes1 if you choose to have her1 precedence over older people4 ,or if a younger woman has been long away she1 in this instance of welcoming her home1 takes precedence over her elders4 ,the guest of honor is always led in to dinner by the host and placed on his right1 the second in importance sits on his left and is taken in to dinner by the gentleman on whose right she sits4 ,the hostess is always the last to go into the dining-room at a formal dinner4 ,,the ,,envelopes ,,for ,,the ,,gentlemen ,in an envelope addressed to each gentleman is put a card on which is written the name of the lady he is to take down to dinner4 ,this card just fits in the envelope1 which is an inch or slightly less high and about two inches long4 ,when the envelopes are addressed and filled1 they are arranged in two neat rows on a silver tray and put in the front hall4 ,the tray is presented to each gentleman just before he goes into the drawing-room1 on his arrival4 ,,the ,,table ,,diagram ,a frame made of leather1 round or rectangular1 with small openings at regular intervals around the edge in which names written on cards can be slipped1 shows the seating of the table at a glance4 ,in a frame holding twenty-four cards1 twelve guests would be indicated by leaving every other card place blank1 or for eight1 only one in three is filled4 ,this diagram is shown to each gentleman upon his arrival1 so that he can see who is coming for dinner and where he himself is placed4 ,at a dinner of ten or less this diagram is especially convenient as envelopes are used only at formal dinners of twelve and over4 ,,when ,,the ,,hostess ,,sits ,,at ,,the ,,side ,when the number of guests is a multiple of four1 the host and hostess never sit opposite each other4 ,it would bring two ladies and two gentlemen together if they did4 ,at a table which seats two together at each end1 the fact that the host is opposite a gentleman and the hostess opposite a lady is not noticeable2 nor is it ever noticeable at a round table4 ,but at a narrow table which has room for only one at the end1 the hostess invariably sits in the seat next to that which is properly her own1 putting in her place a gentleman at the end4 ,the host usually keeps his seat rather than the hostess because the seat of honor is on his right2 and in the etiquette governing dinners1 the host and not the hostess is the more important personage6 ,when there are only four1 they keep their own places1 otherwise the host and hostess would sit next to each other4 ,at a dinner of eight1 twelve1 sixteen1 twenty1 etc41 the host keeps his place1 but at supper for eight or twelve1 the hostess keeps her place and the host moves a place to the right or left because the hostess at supper pours coffee or chocolate4 ,and although the host keeps his seat at a formal dinner in honor of the lady he takes in1 at a little dinner of eight1 where there is no guest of honor1 the host does not necessarily keep his seat at the expense of his wife unless he carves1 in which case he must have the end place2 just as at supper she has the end place in order to pour4 ,,sidewalk1 ,,hall1 ,,and ,,dressing ,,rooms ,one can be pretty sure on seeing a red velvet carpet spread down the steps of a house 7or up6 since there are so many sunken ,american basement entrances7 that there are people for dinner4 ,the carpet is kept rolled1 or turned under near the foot 7or top7 of the steps until a few minutes before the dinner hour when it is spread across the width of the pavement by the chauffeur or whoever is on duty on the sidewalk4 ,very big or formal dinners often have an awning1 especially at a house where there is much entertaining and which has an awning of its own2 but at an ordinary house1 for a dinner of twelve or so1 the man on the pavement must1 if it is raining1 shelter each arriving guest under his coachman's umbrella from carriage to door4 ,if it does not rain1 he merely opens the doors of vehicles4 ,checks are never given at dinners1 no matter how big2 every motor is called by address at the end of the evening4 ,the ,worldly car is not shouted for as ,worldly6 but xox ,fifth ,avenue6 ,the typical coachman of another day used to tell you carriages are ordered for ten-fifteen4 ,carriages were nearly always ordered for that hour1 though with slow and long dinners no one ever actually left until the horses had exercised for at least an hour6 ,but the chauffeur of to-day opens the door in silence--unless there is to be a concert or amateur theatricals1 when he1 like the coachman says1 ,motors are ordered for twelve o'clock1 or whatever hour he is told to say4 ,in this day of telephone and indefinite bridge games1 many people prefer to have their cars telephoned for1 when they are ready to go home4 ,those who do not play bridge leave an eight o'clock dinner about half past ten1 or at least order their cars for that hour4 ,in all modern houses of size there are two rooms on the entrance floor1 built sometimes as dressing-rooms and nothing else1 but more often they are small reception rooms1 each with a lavatory off of it4 ,in the one given to the ladies1 there is always a dressing-table with toilet appointments on it1 and the lady's maid should be on duty to give whatever service may be required2 when there is no dressing-room on the ground floor1 the back of the hall is arranged with coat-hangers and an improvised dressing-table for the ladies1 since modern people--in ,new ,york at least--never go up-stairs to a bedroom if they can help it4 ,in fact1 nine ladies out of ten drop their evening cloaks at the front door1 handing them to the servant on duty1 and go at once without more ado to the drawing-room4 ,a lady arriving in her own closed car can't be very much blown about1 in a completely air tight compartment and in two or three minutes of time6 ,gentlemen also leave their hats and coats in the front part of the hail4 ,a servant presents to each a tray of envelopes1 and if there is one1 the table diagram4 ,envelopes are not really necessary when there is a table diagram1 since every gentleman knows that he takes in the lady placed on his right6 ,but at very big dinners in ,new ,york or ,washington1 where many people are sure to be strangers to one another1 an absent-minded gentleman might better1 perhaps1 have his partner's name safely in his pocket4 ,,announcing ,,guests ,a gentleman always falls behind his wife in entering the drawing-room4 ,if the butler knows the guests1 he merely announces the wife's name first and then the husband's4 ,if he does not know them by sight he asks whichever is nearest to him1 ,what name1 please8 ,and whichever one is asked1 answers3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,lake4 ,the butler then precedes the guests a few steps into the room where the hostess is stationed1 and standing aside says in a low tone but very distinctly3 ,mrs4 ,lake1 a pause and then1 ,mr4 ,lake4 ,married people are usually announced separately as above1 but occasionally people have their guests announced ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ----4 ,,announcing ,,persons ,,of ,,rank ,all men of high executive rank are not alone announced first1 but take precedence of their wives in entering the room4 ,the ,president of the ,united ,states is announced simply1 ,the ,president and ,mrs4 ,harding4 ,his title needs no qualifying appendage1 since he and he solely1 is the ,president4 ,he enters first1 and alone1 of course2 and then ,mrs4 ,harding follows4 ,the same form precisely is used for ,the ,vice-,president and ,mrs4 ,coolidge4 ,a governor is sometimes in courtesy called ,excellency but the correct announcement would be the ,governor of ,new ,jersey and ,mrs4 ,edwards4 ,he enters the room and ,mrs4 ,edwards follows4 ,the ,mayor and ,mrs4 ,thompson observe the same etiquette2 or in a city other than his own he would be announced ,the ,mayor of ,chicago and ,mrs4 ,thompson4 ,other announcements are ,the ,chief ,justice and ,mrs4 ,taft1 ,the ,secretary of ,state and ,mrs4 ,hughes4 ,senator and ,mrs4 ,washington1 but in this case the latter enters the room first1 because his office is not executive4 ,according to diplomatic etiquette an ,ambassador and his wife should be announced1 ,their ,excellencies the ,ambassador and ,ambassadress of ,great ,britain4 ,the ,ambassador enters the room first4 ,a ,minister ,plenipotentiary is announced ,the ,minister of ,sweden4 ,he enters a moment later and ,mrs4 ,ogren follows4 ,but a ,first ,secretary and his wife are announced1 if they have a title of their own1 ,count and ,countess ,european1 or ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,american4 ,the ,president1 the ,vice-,president1 the ,governor of a ,state1 the ,mayor of a city1 the ,ambassador of a foreign ,power--in other words1 all executives--take precedence over their wives and enter rooms and vehicles first4 ,but ,senators1 ,representatives1 ,secretaries of legations and all other officials who are not executive1 allow their wives to precede them1 just as they would if they were private individuals4 ,foreigners who have hereditary titles are announced by them3 ,the ,duke and ,duchess of ,overthere4 ,the ,marquis and ,marchioness of ,landsend1 or ,sir ,edward and ,lady ,blank1 etc4 ,titles are invariably translated into ,english1 ,count and ,countess ,lorraine1 not ,m4 le ,comte et ,mme4 la ,comtesse ,lorraine4 ,,how ,a ,,hostess ,,receives ,,at ,a ,,formal ,,dinner ,on all occasions of formality1 at a dinner as well as at a ball1 the hostess stands near the door of her drawing-room1 and as guests are announced1 she greets them with a smile and a handshake and says something pleasant to each4 ,what she says is nothing very important1 charm of expression and of manner can often wordlessly express a far more gracious welcome than the most elaborate phrases 7which as a matter of fact should be studiously avoided74 ,unless a woman's loveliness springs from generosity of heart and sympathy1 her manners1 no matter how perfectly practised1 are nothing but cosmetics applied to hide a want of inner beauty2 precisely as rouge and powder are applied in the hope of hiding the lack of a beautiful skin4 ,one device is about as successful as the other2 quite pleasing unless brought into comparison with the real4 ,mrs4 ,oldname1 for instance1 usually welcomes you with some such sentences as1 ,i am very glad to see you or ,i am so glad you could come6 ,or if it is raining1 she very likely tells you that you were very unselfish to come out in the storm4 ,but no matter what she says or whether anything at all1 she takes your hand with a firm pressure and her smile is really a smile of welcome1 not a mechanical exercise of the facial muscles4 ,she gives you always--even if only for the moment--her complete attention2 and you go into her drawing-room with a distinct feeling that you are under the roof1 not of a mere acquaintance1 but of a friend4 ,mr4 ,oldname who stands never very far from his wife1 always comes forward and1 grasping your hand1 accentuates his wife's more subtle but no less vivid welcome4 ,and either you join a friend standing near1 or he presents you1 if you are a man1 to a lady2 or if you are a lady1 he presents a man to you4 ,some hostesses1 especially those of the ,lion-,hunting and the ,new-to-,best-,society variety are much given to explanations1 and love to say ,mrs4 ,jones1 ,i want you to meet ,mrs4 ,smith4 ,mrs4 ,smith is the author of ',dragged from the ,depths1' a most enlightening work of psychic insight4 ,or to a good-looking woman1 ,i am putting you next to the ,assyrian ,ambassador--,i want him to carry back a flattering impression of ,american women6 ,but people of good breeding do not over-exploit their distinguished guests with embarrassing hyperbole1 or make personal remarks4 ,both are in worst possible taste4 ,do not understand by this that explanations can not be made2 it is only that they must not be embarrassingly made to their faces4 ,nor must a specialist's subject be forced upon him1 like a pair of manacles1 by any exploiting hostess who has captured him4 ,mrs4 ,oldname might perhaps1 in order to assist conversation for an interesting but reticent person1 tell a lady just before going in to dinner1 ,mr4 ,traveler who is sitting next to you at the table1 has just come back from two years alone with the cannibals4 ,this is not to exploit her ,traveled ,lion but to give his neighbor a starting point for conversation at table4 ,and although personal remarks are never good form1 it would be permissible for an older lady in welcoming a very young one1 especially a dbutante or a bride1 to say1 ,how lovely you look1 ,mary dear1 and what an adorable dress you have on6 ,but to say to an older lady1 ,that is a very handsome string of pearls you are wearing1 would be objectionable4 ,,the ,,duty ,,of ,,the ,,host ,the host stands fairly near his wife so that if any guest seems to be unknown to all of the others1 he can present him to some one4 ,at formal dinners introductions are never general and people do not as a rule speak to strangers1 except those next to them at table or in the drawing-room after dinner4 ,the host therefore makes a few introductions if necessary4 ,before dinner1 since the hostess is standing 7and no gentleman may therefore sit down7 and as it is awkward for a lady who is sitting1 to talk with a gentleman who is standing1 the ladies usually also stand until dinner is announced4 ,,when ,,dinner ,,is ,,announced ,it is the duty of the butler to count heads so that he may know when the company has arrived4 ,as soon as he has announced the last person1 he notifies the cook4 ,the cook being ready1 the butler1 having glanced into the dining-room to see that windows have been closed and the candles on the table lighted1 enters the drawing-room1 approaches the hostess1 bows1 and says quietly1 ,dinner is served4 ,the host offers his arm to the lady of honor and leads the way to the dining-room4 ,all the other gentlemen offer their arms to the ladies appointed to them1 and follow the host1 in an orderly procession1 two and two2 the only order of precedence is that the host and his partner lead1 while the hostess and her partner come last4 ,at all formal dinners1 place cards being on the table1 the hostess does not direct people where to sit4 ,if there was no table diagram in the hall1 the butler1 standing just within the dining-room door1 tells each gentleman as he approaches ,right or ,left4 ,r or ,l is occasionally written on the lady's name card in the envelopes given to the gentlemen1 or if it is such a big dinner that there are many separate tables1 the tables are numbered with standing placards 7as at a public dinner7 and the table number written on each lady's name card4 ,,the ,,manners ,,of ,a ,,hostess ,first of all1 a hostess must show each of her guests equal and impartial attention4 ,also1 although engrossed in the person she is talking to1 she must be able to notice anything amiss that may occur4 ,the more competent her servants1 the less she need be aware of details herself1 but the hostess giving a formal dinner with uncertain dining-room efficiency has a far from smooth path before her4 ,no matter what happens1 if all the china in the pantry falls with a crash1 she must not appear to have heard it4 ,no matter what goes wrong she must cover it as best she may1 and at the same time cover the fact that she is covering it4 ,to give hectic directions1 merely accentuates the awkwardness4 ,if a dish appears that is unpresentable1 she as quietly as possible orders the next one to be brought in4 ,if a guest knocks over a glass and breaks it1 even though the glass be a piece of genuine ,steigel1 her only concern must seemingly be that her guest's place has been made uncomfortable4 ,she says1 ,i am so sorry1 but ,i will have it fixed at once6 ,the broken glass is nothing6 ,and she has a fresh glass brought 7even though it doesn't match7 and dismisses all thought of the matter4 ,both the host and hostess must keep the conversation going1 if it lags1 but this is not as definitely their duty at a formal1 as at an informal dinner ,it is at the small dinner that the skilful hostess has need of what ,thackeray calls the showman quality4 ,she brings each guest forward in turn to the center of the stage4 ,in a lull in the conversation she says beguilingly to a clever but shy man1 ,john1 what was that story you told me---- and then she repeats briefly an introduction to a topic in which ,john particularly shines4 ,or later on1 she begins a narrative and breaks off suddenly1 turning to some one else1 ,you tell them6 ,these examples are rather bald1 and overemphasize the method in order to make it clear4 ,practise and the knowledge of human nature1 or of the particular temperament with which she is trying to deal1 can alone tell her when she may lead or provoke this or that one to being at his best1 to his own satisfaction as well as that of the others who may be present4 ,her own character and sympathy are the only real showman assets1 since no one shows to advantage except in a congenial environment4 ,,the ,,late ,,guest ,a polite hostess waits twenty minutes after the dinner hour1 and then orders dinner served4 ,to wait more than twenty minutes1 or actually fifteen after those who took the allowable five minutes grace1 would be showing lack of consideration to many for the sake of one4 ,when the late guest finally enters the dining-room1 the hostess rises1 shakes hands with her1 but does not leave her place at table4 ,she doesn't rise for a gentleman4 ,it is the guest who must go up to the hostess and apologize for being late4 ,the hostess must never take the guest to task1 but should say something polite and conciliatory such as1 ,i was sure you would not want us to wait dinner6 ,the newcomer is usually served with dinner from the beginning unless she is considerate enough to say to the butler1 ,just let me begin with this course4 ,old ,mrs4 ,toplofty's manners to late guests are an exception3 on the last stroke of eight o'clock in winter and half after eight in ,newport1 dinner is announced4 ,she waits for no one6 ,furthermore1 a guest arriving after a course has been served1 does not have to protest against disarranging the order of dinner since the rule of the house is that a course which has passed a chair is not to be returned4 ,a guest missing his turn misses that course4 ,the result is that everyone dining with ,mrs4 ,toplofty arrives on the stroke of the dinner hour2 which is also rather necessary1 as she is one of those who like the service to be rushed through at top speed1 and anyone arriving half an hour late would find dinner over4 ,it would be excellent discipline if there were more hostesses like her1 but no young woman could be so autocratic and few older ones care 7or dare7 to be4 ,nothing shows selfish want of consideration more than being habitually late for dinner4 ,not only are others1 who were themselves considerate1 kept waiting1 but dinner is dried and ruined for everyone else through the fault of the tardy one4 ,and though expert cooks know how to keep food from becoming uneatable1 no food can be so good as at the moment for which it is prepared1 and the habitually late guest should be made to realize how unfairly she is meeting her hostess' generosity by destroying for every one the hospitality which she was invited to share4 ,on the other hand1 before a formal dinner1 it is the duty of the hostess to be dressed and in her drawing-room fifteen1 or ten minutes at least1 before the hour set for dinner4 ,for a very informal dinner it is not important to be ready ahead of time1 but even then a late hostess is an inconsiderate one4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,gloves ,,and ,,napkin ,ladies always wear gloves to formal dinners and take them off at table4 ,entirely off4 ,it is hideous to leave them on the arm1 merely turning back the hands4 ,both gloves and fan are supposed to be laid across the lap1 and one is supposed to lay the napkin folded once in half across the lap too1 on top of the gloves and fan1 and all three are supposed to stay in place on a slippery satin skirt on a little lap1 that more often than not slants downward4 ,it is all very well for etiquette to say ,they stay there1 but every woman knows they don't6 ,and this is quite a nice question3 ,if you obey etiquette and lay the napkin on top of the fan and gloves loosely across your satin-covered knees1 it will depend merely upon the heaviness and position of the fan's handle whether the avalanche starts right1 left or forward1 onto the floor4 ,there is just one way to keep these four articles 7including the lap as one7 from disintegrating1 which is to put the napkin cornerwise across your knees and tuck the two side corners under like a lap robe1 with the gloves and the fan tied in place as it were4 ,this ought not to be put in a book of etiquette1 which should say you must do nothing of the kind1 but it is either do that or have the gentleman next you groping under the table at the end of the meal2 and it is impossible to imagine that etiquette should wish to conserve the picture of gentlemen on all fours as the concluding ceremonial at dinners4 ,,the ,,turning ,,of ,,the ,,table ,the turning of the table is accomplished by the hostess1 who merely turns from the gentleman 7on her left probably7 with whom she has been talking through the soup and the fish course1 to the one on her right4 ,as she turns1 the lady to whom the right gentleman has been talking1 turns to the gentleman further on1 and in a moment everyone at table is talking to a new neighbor4 ,sometimes a single couple who have become very much engrossed1 refuse to change partners and the whole table is blocked2 leaving one lady and one gentleman on either side of the block1 staring alone at their plates4 ,at this point the hostess has to come to the rescue by attracting the blocking lady's attention and saying1 ,sally1 you cannot talk to ,professor ,bugge any longer6 ,mr4 ,smith has been trying his best to attract your attention4 ,sally being in this way brought awake1 is obliged to pay attention to ,mr4 ,smith1 and ,professor ,bugge1 little as he may feel inclined1 must turn his attention to the other side4 ,to persist in carrying on their own conversation at the expense of others1 would be inexcusably rude1 not only to their hostess but to every one present4 ,at a dinner not long ago1 ,mr4 ,kindhart sitting next to ,mrs4 ,wellborn and left to himself because of the assiduity of the lady's farther partner1 slid his own name-card across and in front of her1 to bring her attention to the fact that it was his turn4 ,,enemies ,,must ,,bury ,,hatchets ,one inexorable rule of etiquette is that you must talk to your next door neighbor at a dinner table4 ,you must1 that is all there is about it6 ,even if you are placed next to some one with whom you have had a bitter quarrel1 consideration for your hostess1 who would be distressed if she knew you had been put in a disagreeable place1 and further consideration for the rest of the table which is otherwise blocked1 exacts that you give no outward sign of your repugnance and that you make a pretence at least for a little while1 of talking together4 ,at dinner once1 ,mrs4 ,toplofty1 finding herself next to a man she quite openly despised1 said to him with apparent placidity1 ,i shall not talk to you--because ,i don't care to4 ,but for the sake of my hostess ,i shall say my multiplication tables4 ,twice one are two1 twice two are four ---- and she continued on through the tables1 making him alternate them with her4 ,as soon as she politely could she turned again to her other companion4 ,,manners ,,at ,,table ,it used to be an offense1 and it still is considered impolite1 to refuse dishes at the table1 because your refusal implies that you do not like what is offered you4 ,if this is true1 you should be doubly careful to take at least a little on your plate and make a pretence of eating some of it1 since to refuse course after course can not fail to distress your hostess4 ,if you are on a diet and accepted the invitation with that stipulation1 your not eating is excusable2 but even then to sit with an empty plate in front of you throughout a meal makes you a seemingly reproachful table companion for those of good appetite sitting next to you4 ,,attacking ,a ,,complicated ,,dish ,when a dinner has been prepared by a chef who prides himself on being a decorative artist1 the guest of honor and whoever else may be the first to be served have quite a problem to know which part of an intricate structure is to be eaten1 and which part is scenic effect6 ,the main portion is generally clear enough2 the uncertainty is in whether the flowers are eatable vegetables and whether the things that look like ducks are potatoes1 or trimming4 ,if there are six or more1 the chances are they are edible1 and that one or two of a kind are embellishments only4 ,rings around food are nearly always to be eaten2 platforms under food seldom1 if ever1 are4 ,anything that looks like pastry is to be eaten2 and anything divided into separate units should be taken on your plate complete4 ,you should not try to cut a section from anything that has already been divided into portions in the kitchen4 ,aspics and desserts are1 it must be said1 occasionally ,chinese puzzles1 but if you do help yourself to part of the decoration1 no great harm is done4 ,dishes are never passed from hand to hand at a dinner1 not even at the smallest and most informal one4 ,sometimes people pass salted nuts to each other1 or an extra sweet from a dish near by1 but not circling the table4 ,,leaving ,,the ,,table ,at the end of dinner1 when the last dish of chocolates has been passed and the hostess sees that no one is any longer eating1 she looks across the table1 and catching the eye of one of the ladies1 slowly stands up4 ,the one who happens to be observing also stands up1 and in a moment everyone is standing4 ,the gentlemen offer their arms to their partners and conduct them back to the drawing-room or the library or wherever they are to sit during the rest of the evening4 ,each gentleman then slightly bows1 takes leave of his partner1 and adjourns with the other gentlemen to the smoking-room1 where after-dinner coffee1 liqueurs1 cigars and cigarettes are passed1 and they all sit where they like and with whom they like1 and talk4 ,it is perfectly correct for a gentleman to talk to any other who happens to be sitting near him1 whether he knows him or not4 ,the host on occasions--but it is rarely necessary--starts the conversation if most of the guests are inclined to keep silent1 by drawing this one or that into discussion of a general topic that everyone is likely to take part in4 ,at the end of twenty minutes or so1 he must take the opportunity of the first lull in the conversation to suggest that they join the ladies in the drawing-room4 ,in a house where there is no smoking-room1 the gentlemen do not conduct the ladies to the drawing-room1 but stay where they are 7the ladies leaving alone7 and have their coffee1 cigars1 liqueurs and conversation sitting around the table4 ,in the drawing-room1 meanwhile1 the ladies are having coffee1 cigarettes1 and liqueurs passed to them4 ,there is not a modern ,new ,york hostess1 scarcely even an old-fashioned one1 who does not have cigarettes passed after dinner4 ,at a dinner of ten or twelve1 the five or six ladies are apt to sit in one group1 or possibly two sit by themselves1 and three of four together1 but at a very large dinner they inevitably fall into groups of four or five or so each4 ,in any case1 the hostess must see that no one is left to sit alone4 ,if one of her guests is a stranger to the others1 the hostess draws a chair near one of the groups and offering it to her single guest sits beside her4 ,after a while when this particular guest has at least joined the outskirts of the conversation of the group1 the hostess leaves her and joins another group where perhaps she sits beside some one else who has been somewhat left out4 ,when there is no one who needs any especial attention1 the hostess nevertheless sits for a time with each of the different groups in order to spend at least a part of the evening with all of her guests4 ,,when ,,the ,,gentlemen ,,return ,,to ,,the ,,drawing-,,room ,when the gentlemen return to the drawing-room1 if there is a particular lady that one of them wants to talk to1 he naturally goes directly to where she is1 and sits down beside her4 ,if1 however1 she is securely wedged in between two other ladies1 he must ask her to join him elsewhere4 ,supposing ,mr4 ,jones1 for instance1 wants to talk to ,mrs4 ,bobo ,gilding1 who is sitting between ,mrs4 ,stranger and ,miss ,stiffleigh3 ,mr4 ,jones saunters up to ,mrs4 ,gilding--he must not look too eager or seem too directly to prefer her to the two who are flanking her position1 so he says rather casually1 ,will you come and talk to me8 ,whereupon she leaves her sandwiched position and goes over to another part of the room1 and sits down where there is a vacant seat beside her4 ,usually1 however1 the ladies on the ends1 being accessible1 are more apt to be joined by the first gentleman entering than is the one in the center1 whom it is impossible to reach4 ,etiquette has always decreed that gentlemen should not continue to talk together after leaving the smoking-room1 as it is not courteous to those of the ladies who are necessarily left without partners4 ,at informal dinners1 and even at many formal ones1 bridge tables are set up in an adjoining room1 if not in the drawing-room4 ,those few who do not play bridge spend a half hour 7or less7 in conversation and then go home1 unless there is some special diversion4 ,,music ,,or ,,other ,,entertainment ,,after ,,dinner ,very large dinners of fifty or over are almost invariably followed by some sort of entertainment4 ,either the dinner is given before a ball or a musicale or amateur theatricals1 or professionals are brought in to dance or sing4 ,in this day when conversation is not so much a lost as a wilfully abandoned art1 people in numbers can not be left to spend an evening on nothing but conversation4 ,grouped together by the hundred and with bridge tables absent1 the modern fashionables in ,america1 and in ,england1 too1 are as helpless as children at a party without something for them to do1 listen to1 or look at6 ,,very ,,big ,,dinners ,a dinner of sixty1 for instance1 is always served at separate tables2 a center one of twenty people1 and four corner tables of ten each4 ,or if less1 a center table of twelve and four smaller tables of eight4 ,a dinner of thirty-six or less is seated at a single table4 ,but whether there are eighteen1 eighty1 or one or two hundred1 the setting of each individual table and the service is precisely the same4 ,each one is set with centerpiece1 candles1 compotiers1 and evenly spaced plates1 with the addition of a number by which to identify it2 or else each table is decorated with different colored flowers1 pink1 yellow1 orchid1 white4 ,whatever the manner of identification1 the number or the color is written in the corner of the ladies' name cards that go in the envelopes handed to each arriving gentleman at the door3 pink1 yellow1 orchid1 white1 or center table4 ,in arranging for the service of dinner the butler details three footmen1 usually1 to each table of ten1 and six footmen to the center table of twenty4 ,there are several houses 7palaces really7 in ,new ,york that have dining-rooms big enough to seat a hundred or more easily4 ,but sixty is a very big dinner1 and even thirty does not go well without an entertainment following it4 ,otherwise the details are the same in every particular as well as in table setting3 the hostess receives at the door2 guests stand until dinner is announced2 the host leads the way with the guest of honor4 ,the hostess goes to table last4 ,the host and hostess always sit at the big center table and the others at that table are invariably the oldest present4 ,no one resents being grouped according to age1 but many do resent a segregation of ultra fashionables4 ,you must never put all the prominent ones at one table1 unless you want forever to lose the acquaintance of those at every other4 ,after dinner1 the gentlemen go to the smoking-room and the ladies sit in the ballroom1 where1 if there is to be a theatrical performance1 the stage is probably arranged4 ,the gentlemen return1 the guests take their places1 and the performance begins4 ,after the performance the leave-taking is the same as at all dinners or parties4 ,,taking ,,leave ,that the guest of honor must be first to take leave was in former times so fixed a rule that everyone used to sit on and on1 no matter how late it became1 waiting for her whose duty it was1 to go6 ,more often than not1 the guest of honor was an absent-minded old lady1 or celebrity1 who very likely was vaguely saying to herself1 ,oh1 my6 are these people never going home8 until by and by it dawned upon her that the obligation was her own6 ,but to-day1 although it is still the obligation of the guest who sat on the host's right to make the move to go1 it is not considered ill-mannered1 if the hour is growing late1 for another lady to rise first4 ,in fact1 unless the guest of honor is one really1 meaning a stranger or an elderly lady of distinction1 there is no actual precedence in being the one first to go4 ,if the hour is very early when the first lady rises1 the hostess1 who always rises too1 very likely says3 ,i hope you are not thinking of going6 ,the guest answers1 ,we don't want to in the least1 but ,dick has to be at the office so early6 or ,i'm sorry1 but ,i must4 ,thank you so much for asking us4 ,usually1 however1 each one merely says1 ,good night1 thank you so much4 ,the hostess answers1 ,i am so glad you could come6 and she then presses a bell 7not one that any guest can hear67 for the servants to be in the dressing-rooms and hall4 ,when one guest leaves1 they all leave--except those at the bridge tables4 ,they all say1 ,good night to whomever they were talking with and shake hands1 and then going up to their hostess1 they shake hands and say1 ,thank you for asking us1 or ,thank you so much4 ,thank you so much2 good night1 is the usual expression4 ,and the hostess answers1 ,it was so nice to see you again1 or ,i'm glad you could come4 ,but most usually of all she says merely1 ,good night6 and suggests friendliness by the tone in which she says it--an accent slightly more on the good perhaps than on the night4 ,in the dressing-room1 or in the hall1 the maid is waiting to help the ladies on with their wraps1 and the butler is at the door4 ,when ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jones are ready to leave1 he goes out on the front steps and calls1 ,mr4 ,jones' car6 ,the ,jones' chauffeur answers1 ,here1 the butler says to either ,mr4 or ,mrs4 ,jones1 ,your car is at the door6 and they go out4 ,the bridge people leave as they finish their games2 sometimes a table at a time or most likely two together4 7,husbands and wives are never1 if it can be avoided1 put at the same table47 ,young people in saying good night say1 ,good night1 it has been too wonderful6 or ,good night1 and thank you so much4 ,and the hostess smiles and says1 ,so glad you could come6 or just ,good night6 ,,the ,,little ,,dinner ,the little dinner is thought by most people to be the very pleasantest social function there is4 ,it is always informal1 of course1 and intimate conversation is possible1 since strangers are seldom1 or at least very carefully1 included4 ,for younger people1 or others who do not find great satisfaction in conversation1 the dinner of eight and two tables of bridge afterwards has no rival in popularity4 ,the formal dinner is liked by most people now and then 7and for those who don't especially like it1 it is at least salutary as a spine stiffening exercise71 but for night after night1 season after season1 the little dinner is to social activity what the roast course is to the meal4 ,the service of a little dinner is the same as that of a big one4 ,as has been said1 proper service in properly run houses is never relaxed1 whether dinner is for eighteen or for two alone4 ,the table appointments are equally fine and beautiful1 though possibly not quite so rare4 ,really priceless old glass and china can't be replaced because duplicates do not exist and to use it three times a day would be to court destruction2 replicas1 however1 are scarcely less beautiful and can be replaced if chipped4 ,the silver is identical2 the food is equally well prepared1 though a course or two is eliminated2 the service is precisely the same4 ,the clothes that fashionable people wear every evening they are home alone1 are1 if not the same1 at least as beautiful of their kind4 ,young ,gilding's lounge suit is quite as handsome as his dinner clothes1 and he tubs and shaves and changes his linen when he puts it on4 ,his wife wears a tea gown1 which is classified as a neglig rather in irony1 since it is apt to be more elaborate and gorgeous 7to say nothing of dignified7 than half of the garments that masquerade these days as evening dresses6 ,they wear these informal clothes only if very intimate friends are coming to dinner alone4 ,alone may include as many as eight6--but never includes a stranger4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,dinner ,,service ,,without ,,silver--,,the ,,little ,,dinner ,,is ,,thought ,,by ,,most ,,people ,,to ,,be ,,the ,,very ,,pleasantest ,,social ,,function ,,there ,,is4 ,page #bbh4 ,otherwise1 at informal dinners1 the host wears a dinner coat and the hostess a simple evening dress1 or perhaps an elaborate one that has been seen by everyone and which goes on at little dinners for the sake of getting some wear out of it4 ,she never1 however1 receives formally standing1 though she rises when a guest comes into the room1 shakes hands and sits down again4 ,when dinner is announced1 gentlemen do not offer their arms to the ladies4 ,the hostess and the other ladies go into the dining-room together1 not in a procession1 but just as they happen to come4 ,if one of them is much older than the others1 the younger ones wait for her to go ahead of them1 or one who is much younger goes last4 ,the men stroll in the rear4 ,the hostess on reaching the dining-room goes to her own place where she stands and tells everyone where she or he is to sit4 ,mary1 will you sit next to ,jim1 and ,lucy on his other side2 ,kate1 over there1 ,bobo1 next to me1 etc4 ,,carving ,,on ,,the ,,table ,carving is sometimes seen at home dinner tables4 ,a certain type of man always likes to carve1 and such a one does4 ,but in forty-nine houses out of fifty1 in ,new ,york at least1 the carving is done by the cook in the kitchen--a roast while it is still in the roasting pan1 and close to the range at that1 so that nothing can possibly get cooled off in the carving4 ,after which the pieces are carefully put together again1 and transferred to an intensely hot platter4 ,this method has two advantages over table carving2 quicker service1 and hotter food4 ,unless a change takes place in the present fashion1 none except cooks will know anything about carving1 which was once considered an art necessary to every gentleman4 ,the boast of the high-born ,southerner1 that he could carve a canvas-back holding it on his fork1 will be as unknown as the driving of a four-in-hand4 ,old-fashioned butlers sometimes carve in the pantry1 but in the most modern service all carving is done by the cook4 ,cold meats are1 in the ,english service1 put whole on the sideboard and the family and guests cut off what they choose themselves4 ,in ,america cold meat is more often sliced and laid on a platter garnished with finely chopped meat jelly and water cress or parsley4 ,,the ,,stag ,,or ,,bachelor ,,dinner ,a man's dinner is sometimes called a stag or a bachelor dinner2 and as its name implies1 is a dinner given by a man and for men only4 ,a man's dinner is usually given to celebrate an occasion of welcome or farewell4 ,the best-known bachelor dinner is the one given by the groom just before his wedding4 ,other dinners are more apt to be given by one man 7or a group of men7 in honor of a noted citizen who has returned from a long absence1 or who is about to embark on an expedition or a foreign mission4 ,or a young man may give a dinner in honor of a friend's twenty-first birthday2 or an older man may give a dinner merely because he has a quantity of game which he has shot and wants to share with his especial friends4 ,nearly always a man's dinner is given at the host's club or his bachelor quarters or in a private room in a hotel4 ,but if a man chooses to give a stag dinner in his own house1 his wife 7or his mother7 should not appear4 ,for a wife to come downstairs and receive the guests for him1 can not be too strongly condemned as out of place4 ,such a maneuver on her part1 instead of impressing his guests with her own grace and beauty1 is far more likely to make them think what a poor worm her husband must be1 to allow himself to be hen-pecked4 ,and for a mother to appear at a son's dinner is1 if anything1 worse4 ,an essential piece of advice to every woman is3 ,no matter how much you may want to say ,how do you do to your husband's or your son's friends--don't6 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,dinner ,,giving ,,with ,,limited ,,equipment ,,the ,,service ,,problem ,people who live all the year in the country are not troubled with formal dinner giving1 because 7excepting on great estates7 formality and the country do not go together4 ,for the one or two formal dinners which the average city dweller feels obliged to give every season1 nothing is easier than to hire professionals2 it is also economical1 since nothing is wasted in experiment4 ,a cook equal to the ,gildings' chef can be had to come in and cook your dinner at about the price of two charwomen2 skilled butlers or waitresses are to be had in all cities of any size at comparatively reasonable fees4 ,the real problem is in giving the innumerable casual and informal dinners for which professionals are not only expensive1 but inappropriate4 ,the problem of limited equipment would not present great difficulty if the tendency of the age were toward a slower pace1 but the opposite is the case2 no one wants to be kept waiting a second at table1 and the world of fashion is growing more impatient and critical instead of less4 ,the service of a dinner can however be much simplified and shortened by choosing dishes that do not require accessories4 ,,dishes ,,that ,,have ,,accompanying ,,condiments ,nothing so delays the service of a dinner as dishes that must immediately be followed by necessary accessories4 ,if there is no one to help the butler or waitress1 no dish must be included on the menu--unless you are only one or two at table1 or unless your guests are neither critical nor modern--that is not complete in itself4 ,for instance1 fish has nearly always an accompanying dish4 ,broiled fish1 or fish meunire1 has ice-cold cucumbers sliced as thin as ,saratoga chips1 with a very highly seasoned ,french dressing1 or a mixture of cucumbers and tomatoes4 ,boiled fish always has mousseline1 ,hollandaise1 mushroom or egg sauce1 and round scooped boiled potatoes sprinkled with parsley4 ,fried fish must always be accompanied by tartar sauce and pieces of lemon1 and a boiled fish even if covered with sauce when served1 is usually followed by additional sauce4 ,many meats have condiments4 ,roast beef is never served at a dinner party--it is a family dish and generally has ,yorkshire pudding or roast potatoes on the platter with the roast itself1 and is followed by pickles or spiced fruit4 ,turkey likewise1 with its chestnut stuffing and accompanying cranberry sauce1 is not a company dish1 though excellent for an informal dinner4 ,saddle of mutton is a typical company dish--all mutton has currant jelly4 ,lamb has mint sauce--or mint jelly4 ,partridge or guinea hen must have two sauce boats--presented on one tray--browned bread-crumbs in one1 and cream sauce in the other4 ,apple sauce goes with barnyard duck4 ,the best accompaniment to wild duck is the precisely timed #ah minutes in a quick oven6 ,and celery salad1 which goes with all game1 need not be especially hurried4 ,salad is always the accompaniment of tame game1 aspics1 cold meat dishes of all sorts1 and is itself accompanied by crackers and cheese or cheese souffl or cheese straws4 ,,special ,,menus ,,of ,,unaccompanied ,,dishes ,one person can wait on eight people if dishes are chosen which need no supplements4 ,the fewer the dishes to be passed1 the fewer the hands needed to pass them4 ,and yet many housekeepers thoughtlessly order dishes within the list above1 and then wonder why the dinner is so hopelessly slow1 when their waitress is usually so good6 ,the following suggestions are merely offered in illustration2 each housekeeper can easily devise further for herself4 ,it is not necessary to pass anything whatever with melon or grapefruit1 or a macdoine of fruit1 or a canap4 ,oysters1 on the other hand1 have to be followed by tabasco and buttered brown bread4 ,soup needs nothing with it 7if you do not choose split pea which needs croutons1 or petite marmite which needs grated cheese74 ,fish dishes which are made with sauce in the dish1 such as sole au vin blanc1 lobster ,newburg1 crab ravigote1 fish mousse1 especially if in a ring filled with plenty of sauce1 do not need anything more4 ,tartar sauce for fried fish can be put in baskets made of hollowed-out lemon rind--a basket for each person--and used as a garnishing around the dish4 ,filet mignon1 or fillet of beef1 both of them surrounded by little clumps of vegetables share with chicken casserole in being the life-savers of the hostess who has one waitress in her dining-room4 ,another dish1 but more appropriate to lunch than to dinner1 is of ,french chops banked against mashed potatoes1 or pure of chestnuts1 and surrounded by string beans or peas4 ,none of these dishes requires any following dish whatever1 not even a vegetable4 ,fried chicken with corn fritters on the platter is almost as good as the two beef dishes1 since the one green vegetable which should go with it1 can be served leisurely1 because fried chicken is not quickly eaten4 ,and a ring of aspic with salad in the center does not require accompanying crackers as immediately as plain lettuce4 ,steak and broiled chicken are fairly practical since neither needs gravy1 condiment1 or sauce--especially if you have a divided vegetable dish so that two vegetables can be passed at the same time4 ,if a hostess chooses not necessarily the above dishes but others which approximately take their places1 she need have no fear of a slow dinner1 if her one butler or waitress is at all competent4 ,,the ,,possibilities ,,of ,,the ,,plain ,,cook ,in giving informal or little dinners1 you need never worry because you cannot set the dishes of a professional dinner-party cook before your friends or even strangers2 so long as the food that you are offering is good of its kind4 ,it is by no means necessary that your cook should be able to make the clear soup that is one of the tests of the perfect cook 7and practically never produced by any other72 nor is it necessary that she be able to construct comestible mosaics and sculptures4 ,the essential thing is to prevent her from attempting anything she can't do well4 ,if she can make certain dishes that are pretty as well as good to taste1 so much the better4 ,but remember1 the more pretentious a dish is1 the more it challenges criticism4 ,if your cook can make neither clear nor cream soup1 but can make a delicious clam chowder1 better far to have a clam chowder6 ,on no account let her attempt clear green turtle1 which has about as good a chance to be perfect as a supreme of boned capon--in other words1 none whatsoever6 ,and the same way throughout dinner4 ,whichever dishes your own particular ,nora or ,selma or ,marie can do best1 those are the ones you must have for your dinners4 ,another thing3 it is not important to have variety4 ,because you gave the ,normans chicken casserole the last time they dined with you is no reason why you should not give it to them again--if that is the specialty of the house as the ,french say4 ,a late1 and greatly loved1 hostess whose ,sunday luncheons at a huge country house just outside of ,washington were for years one of the outstanding features of ,washington's smartest society1 had the same lunch exactly1 week after week1 year after year4 ,those who went to her house knew just as well what the dishes would be as they did where the dining-room was situated4 ,at her few enormous and formal dinners in town1 her cook was allowed to be magnificently architectural1 but if you dined with her alone1 the chances were ten to one that the ,sunday chicken and pancakes would appear before you4 ,,do ,,not ,,experiment ,,for ,,strangers ,typical dinner-party dishes are invariably the temptation no less than the downfall of ambitious ignorance4 ,never let an inexperienced cook attempt a new dish for company1 no matter how attractive her description of it may sound4 ,try it yourself1 or when you are having family or most intimate friends who will understand if it turns out all wrong that it is a trial dish4 ,in fact1 it is a very good idea to share the testing of it with some one who can help you in suggestions1 if they are needed for its improvement4 ,or supposing you have a cook who is rather poor on all dinner dishes1 but makes delicious bread and cake and waffles and oyster stew and creamed chicken1 or even hash6 ,you can make a specialty of asking people to supper4 ,suppers are necessarily informal1 but there is no objection in that4 ,formal parties play a very small rle anyway compared to informal ones4 ,there are no end of people1 and the smartest ones at that1 who entertain only in the most informal possible way4 ,mrs4 ,oldname gives at most two formal dinners a year2 her typical dinners and suppers are for eight4 ,,proper ,,dishing ,the dishing is quite as important as the cooking2 a smear or thumb-mark on the edge of a dish is like a spot on the front of a dress6 ,water must not be allowed to collect at the bottom of a dish 7that is why a folded napkin is always put under boiled fish and sometimes under asparagus74 ,and dishes must be hot2 they cannot be too hot6 ,meat juice that has started to crust is nauseating4 ,far better have food too hot to eat and let people take their time eating it than that others should suffer the disgust of cold victuals6 ,sending in cold food is one of the worst faults 7next to not knowing how to cook7 that a cook can have4 ,,professional ,,or ,,home ,,dining ,,room ,,service ,just as it is better to hire a professional dinner-party cook than to run the risk of attempting a formal dinner with your own ,nora or ,selma unless you are very sure she is adequate1 in the same way it is better to have a professional waitress as captain over your own1 or a professional butler over your own inexperienced one1 than to have your meal served in spasms and long pauses4 ,but if your waitress1 assisted by the chambermaid1 perfectly waits on six1 you will find that they can very nicely manage ten1 even with accompanied dishes4 ,,blunders ,,in ,,service ,if an inexperienced servant blunders1 you should pretend1 if you can1 not to know it4 ,never attract anyone's attention to anything by apologizing or explaining1 unless the accident happens to a guest4 ,under ordinary circumstances least said1 soonest mended is the best policy4 ,if a servant blunders1 it makes the situation much worse to take her to task1 the cause being usually that she is nervous or ignorant4 ,speak1 if it is necessary to direct her1 very gently and as kindly as possible2 your object being to restore confidence1 not to increase the disorder4 ,beckon her to you and tell her as you might tell a child you were teaching3 ,give ,mrs4 ,smith a tablespoon1 not a teaspoon4 ,or1 ,you have forgotten the fork on that dish4 ,never let her feel that you think her stupid1 but encourage her as much as possible and when she does anything especially well1 tell her so4 ,,the ,,encouragement ,,of ,,praise ,nearly all people are quick to censure but rather chary of praise4 ,admonish of course where you must1 but censure only with justice1 and don't forget that whether of high estate or humble1 we all of us like praise--sometimes4 ,when a guest tells you your dinner is the best he has ever eaten1 remember that the cook cooked it1 and tell her it was praised4 ,or if the dining-room service was silent and quick and perfect1 then tell those who served it how well it was done4 ,if you are entertaining all the time1 you need not commend your household after every dinner you give1 but if any especial willingness1 attentiveness1 or tact is shown1 don't forget that a little praise is not only merest justice but is beyond the purse of no one4 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,,luncheons1 ,,breakfasts ,,and ,,suppers ,,the ,,invitations ,although the engraved card is occasionally used for an elaborate luncheon1 especially for one given in honor of a noted person1 formal invitations to lunch in very fashionable houses are nearly always written in the first person1 and rarely sent out more than a week in advance4 ,for instance3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,kindhart 7or ,martha73 ,will you lunch with me on ,monday the tenth at half after one o'clock8 ,hoping so much to see you1 ,sincerely 7or affectionately71 ,jane ,toplofty4 ,if the above lunch were given in honor of somebody--,mrs4 ,eminent1 for instance--the phrase to meet ,mrs4 ,eminent would have been added immediately after the word o'clock4 ,at a very large luncheon for which the engraved card might be used1 ,to meet ,mrs4 ,eminent would be written across the top of the card of invitation4 ,informal invitations are telephoned nearly always4 ,invitation to a stand-up luncheon 7or breakfast2 it is breakfast if the hour is twelve or half after1 and lunch if at one1 or one-thirty71 is either telephoned or written on an ordinary visiting card3 ,,hw3 ,sat4 ,oct4 #b4 ,luncheon at #a o'clock ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding ,,golden ,,hall ,if ,r4s4v4p4 is added in the lower corner1 the invitation should be answered1 otherwise the hostess is obliged to guess how many to provide for4 ,or1 if the hostess prefers1 a personal note is always courteous3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,neighbor3 ,we are having a stand-up luncheon on ,saturday1 ,october ,second1 at one o'clock1 and hope that you and your husband and any guests who may be staying with you will come1 ,very sincerely yours1 ,alice ,toplofty ,gilding4 ,golden ,hall ,sept4 #bg4 ,a personal note always exacts a reply--which may however be telephoned1 unless the invitation was worded in the formal third person4 ,a written answer is more polite1 if the hostess is somewhat of a stranger to you4 ,,the ,,formal ,,luncheon ,,of ,,to-,,day ,luncheon1 being a daylight function1 is never so formidable as a dinner1 even though it may be every bit as formal and differ from the latter in minor details only4 ,luncheons are generally given by1 and for1 ladies1 but it is not unusual1 especially in summer places or in town on ,saturday or ,sunday1 to include an equal number of gentlemen4 ,but no matter how large or formal a luncheon may be1 there is rarely a chauffeur on the sidewalk1 or a carpet or an awning4 ,the hostess1 instead of receiving at the door1 sits usually in the center of the room in some place that has an unobstructed approach from the door4 ,each guest coming into the room is preceded by the butler to within a short speaking distance of the hostess1 where he announces the new arrival's name1 and then stands aside4 ,where there is a waitress instead of a butler1 guests greet the hostess unannounced4 ,the hostess rises1 or if standing takes a step forward1 shakes hands1 says ,i'm so glad to see you1 or ,i am delighted to see you1 or ,how do you do6 ,she then waits for a second or two to see if the guest who has just come in speaks to anyone2 if not1 she makes the necessary introduction4 ,when the butler or waitress has counted heads and knows the guests have arrived1 he or she enters the room1 bows to the hostess and says1 ,luncheon is served4 ,if there is a guest of honor1 the hostess leads the way to the dining-room1 walking beside her4 ,otherwise1 the guests go in twos or threes1 or even singly1 just as they happen to come1 except that the very young make way for their elders1 and gentlemen stroll in with those they happen to be talking to1 or1 if alone1 fill in the rear4 ,the gentlemen never offer their arms to ladies in going in to a luncheon--unless there should be an elderly guest of honor1 who might be taken in by the host1 as at a dinner4 ,but the others follow informally4 ,,the ,,table ,candles have no place on a lunch or breakfast table2 and are used only where a dining-room is unfortunately without daylight4 ,also a plain damask tablecloth 7which must always be put on top of a thick table felt7 is correct for dinner but not for luncheon4 ,the traditional lunch table is bare--which does not mean actually bare at all1 but that it has a centerpiece1 either round or rectangular or square1 with place mats to match1 made in literally unrestricted varieties of linen1 needlework and lace4 ,the centerpiece is anywhere from #cj inches to a yard and a half square1 on a square or round table1 and from half a yard to a yard wide by length in proportion to the length of a rectangular table4 ,the place mats are round or square or rectangular to match1 and are put at the places4 ,or if the table is a refectory one1 instead of centerpiece and doilies1 the table is set with a runner not reaching to the edge at the side1 but falling over both ends4 ,or there may be a tablecloth made to fit the top of the table to within an inch or two of its edge4 ,occasionally there is a real cloth that hangs over like a dinner cloth1 but it always has lace or open-work and is made of fine linen so that the table shows through4 ,the decorations of the table are practically the same as for dinner3 flowers1 or a silver ornament or epergne in the center1 and flower dishes or compotiers or patens filled with ornamental fruit or candy at the corners4 ,if the table is very large and rather bare without candles1 four vases or silver bowls of flowers1 or ornamental figures are added4 ,if the center ornament is of porcelain1 four porcelain figures to match have at least a logical reason for their presence1 or a bisque garden set of vases and balustrades1 with small flowers and vines put in the vases to look as though they were growing1 follows out the decoration4 ,most people1 however1 like a sparsely ornamented table4 ,the places are set as for dinner1 with a place plate1 three forks1 two knives and a small spoon4 ,the lunch napkin1 which should match the table linen1 is much smaller than the dinner napkin1 and is not folded quite the same3 it is folded like a handkerchief1 in only four folds 7four thicknesses74 ,the square is laid on the place plate diagonally1 with the monogrammed 7or embroidered7 corner pointing down toward the edge of the table4 ,the upper corner is then turned sharply under in a flat crease for about a quarter of its diagonal length2 then the two sides are rolled loosely under1 making a sort of pillow effect laid sideways2 with a straight top edge and a pointed lower edge1 and the monogram displayed in the center4 ,another feature of luncheon service1 which is always omitted at dinner1 is the bread and butter plate4 ,the ,bread and ,butter ,plate ,the butter plate has been entirely dispossessed by the bread and butter plate1 which is part of the luncheon service always--as well as of breakfast and supper4 ,it is a very small plate about five and a half to six and a half inches in diameter1 and is put at the left side of each place just beyond the forks4 ,butter is sometimes put on the plate by the servant 7as in a restaurant7 but usually it is passed4 ,hot breads are an important feature of every luncheon2 hot crescents1 soda biscuits1 bread biscuits1 dinner rolls1 or corn bread1 the latter baked in small pans like pie plates four inches in diameter4 ,very thin bread that is roasted in the oven until it is curled and light brown 7exactly like a large ,saratoga chip71 is often made for those who don't eat butter1 and is also suitable for dinner4 ,this double-baked bread1 toast1 and one or two of the above varieties1 are all put in an old-fashioned silver cake-basket1 or actual basket of wicker1 and passed as often as necessary4 ,butter is also passed 7or helped7 throughout the meal until the table is cleared for dessert4 ,bread and butter plates are always removed with the salt and pepper pots4 ,,the ,,service ,,of ,,luncheon ,the service is identical with that of dinner4 ,carving is done in the kitchen and no food set on the table except ornamental dishes of fruit1 candy and nuts4 ,the plate service is also the same as at dinner4 ,the places are never left plateless1 excepting after salad1 when the table is cleared and crumbed for dessert4 ,the dessert plates and finger bowls are arranged as for dinner4 ,flowers are usually put in the finger bowls1 a little spray of any sweet-scented flower1 but corsage bouquets laid at the places with flower pins complete are in very bad taste4 ,,the ,,luncheon ,,menu ,five courses at most 7not counting the passing of a dish of candy or after-dinner coffee as a course71 or more usually four actual courses1 are thought sufficient in the smartest houses4 ,not even at the ,worldlys' or the ,gildings' will you ever see a longer menu than3 #a4 ,fruit1 or soup in cups #b4 ,eggs #c4 ,meat and vegetables #d4 ,salad #e4 ,dessert or #a4 ,fruit #b4 ,soup #c4 ,meat and vegetables #d4 ,salad #e4 ,dessert or #a4 ,fruit #b4 ,soup #c4 ,eggs #d4 ,fowl or tame game with salad #e4 ,dessert ,an informal lunch menu is seldom more than four courses and would eliminate either ,no4 #a or ,no4 #b or ,no4 #e4 ,the most popular fruit course is a macdoine or mixture of fresh orange1 grape fruit1 malaga grapes1 banana1 and perhaps a peach or a little pineapple2 in fact1 any sort of fruit cut into very small pieces1 with sugar and maraschino1 or rum1 for flavor--or nothing but sugar--served in special bowl-shaped glasses that fit into long-stemmed and much larger ones1 with a space for crushed ice between2 or it can just as well be put in champagne or any bowl-shaped glasses1 after being kept as cold as possible in the ice-box until sent to the table4 ,if the first course is grape fruit1 it is cut across in half1 the sections cut free and all dividing skin and seeds taken out with a sharp vegetable knife1 and sugar put in it and left standing for an hour or so4 ,a slice of melon is served plain4 ,soup at luncheon1 or at a wedding breakfast or a ball supper1 is never served in soup plates1 but in two-handled cups1 and is eaten with a teaspoon or a bouillon spoon4 ,it is limited to a few varieties3 either chicken1 or clam broth1 with a spoonful of whipped cream on top2 or bouillon1 or green turtle1 or strained chicken1 or tomato broth2 or in summer1 cold bouillon or broth4 ,lunch party egg dishes must number a hundred varieties4 7,see any cook book67 ,eggs that are substantial and rich1 such as eggs ,benedict1 or stuffed with pt de foie gras and a mushroom sauce1 should then be balanced by a simple meat1 such as broiled chicken and salad1 combining meat and salad courses in one4 ,on the other hand1 should you have a light egg course1 like eggs surprise1 you could have meat and vegetables1 and plain salad2 or an elaborate salad and no dessert4 ,or with fruit and soup1 omit eggs1 especially if there is to be an aspic with salad4 ,the menu of an informal luncheon1 if it does not leave out a course1 at least chooses simpler dishes4 ,a bouillon or broth1 shirred eggs or an omelette2 or scrambled eggs on toast which has first been spread with a pt or meat pure2 then chicken or a chop with vegetables1 a salad of plain lettuce with crackers and cheese1 and a pudding or pie or any other family dessert4 ,or broiled chicken1 chicken croquettes1 or an aspic1 is served with the salad in very hot weather4 ,while cold food is both appropriate and palatable1 no meal should ever be chosen without at least one course of hot food4 ,many people dislike cold food1 and it disagrees with others1 but if you offer your guests soup1 or even tea or chocolate1 it would then do to have the rest of the meal cold4 ,,luncheon ,,beverages ,it is an ,american custom--especially in communities where the five o'clock tea habit is neither so strong nor so universal as in ,new ,york1 for the lady of a house to have the tea set put before her at the table1 not only when alone1 but when having friends lunching informally with her1 and to pour tea1 coffee1 or chocolate4 ,and there is certainly not the slightest reason why1 if she is used to these beverages and would feel their omission1 she should not pour out what she chooses4 ,in fact1 although tea is never served hot at formal ,new ,york luncheons1 iced tea is customary in all country houses in summer2 and chocolate1 not poured by the hostess1 but brought in from the pantry and put down at the right of each plate1 is by no means unusual at informal lunch parties4 ,iced tea at lunch in summer is poured at the table by a servant from a glass pitcher1 and is prepared like a cup with lemon and sugar1 and sometimes with cut up fresh fruit and a little squeezed fruit juice4 ,plain cold tea may be passed in glasses1 and lemon and sugar separately4 ,at an informal luncheon1 cold coffee1 instead of tea1 is passed around in a glass pitcher1 on a tray that also holds a bowl of powdered sugar and a pitcher of cold milk1 and another of as thick as possible cream4 ,the guests pour their coffee to suit themselves into tall glasses half full of broken ice1 and furnished with very long-handled spoons4 ,if tea or coffee or chocolate are not served during the meal1 there is always a cup of some sort3 grape or orange juice 7in these days7 with sugar and mint leaves1 and ginger ale or carbonic water4 ,if dessert is a hot pudding or pastry1 the hotel service of dessert plates should be used4 ,the glass plate is particularly suitable for ice cream or any cold dessert1 but is apt to crack if intensely hot food is put on it4 ,,details ,,of ,,etiquette ,,at ,,luncheons ,gentlemen leave their coats1 hats1 sticks1 in the hall2 ladies leave heavy outer wraps in the hall1 or dressing-room1 but always go into the drawing-room with their hats and gloves on4 ,they wear their fur neck pieces and carry their muffs in their hands1 if they choose1 or they leave them in the hall or dressing-room4 ,but fashionable ladies never take off their hats4 ,even the hostess herself almost invariably wears a hat at a formal luncheon in her own house1 though there is no reason why she should not be hatless if she prefers1 or if she thinks she is prettier without6 ,guests1 however1 do not take off their hats at a lunch party even in the country4 ,they take off their gloves at the table1 or sooner if they choose1 and either remove or turn up1 their veils4 ,the hostess does not wear gloves1 ever4 ,it is also very unsuitable for a hostess to wear a face veil in her own house1 unless there is something the matter with her face1 that must not be subjected to view6 ,a hostess in a veil does not give her guests the impression of veiled beauty1 but the contrary4 ,guests1 on the other hand1 may with perfect fitness keep their veils on throughout the meal1 merely fastening the lower edge up over their noses4 ,they must not allow a veil to hang loose1 and carry food under and behind it1 nor must they eat with gloves on4 ,a veil kept persistently over the face1 and gloves kept persistently over the hands1 means one thing3 ,ugliness behind4 ,so unless you have to--don't6 ,the wearing of elaborate dresses at luncheons has gone entirely out of fashion2 and yet one does once in a while see an occasional lady--rarely a ,new ,yorker--who outshines a bird of paradise and a jeweler's window2 but ,new ,york women of distinction wear rather simple clothes--simple meaning untrimmed1 not inexpensive4 ,very conspicuous clothes are chosen either by the new rich1 to assure themselves of their own elegance--which is utterly lacking--or by the muttons dressed lamb-fashion1 to assure themselves of their own youth--which alas1 is gone6 ,gentlemen at luncheon in town on a ,sunday wear cutaway coats2 in other words1 what they wear to church4 ,on a ,saturday1 they wear their business suits1 sack coat with either stiff or pleated-bosom shirts1 and a starched collar4 ,in the country1 they wear country clothes4 ,illustration3 ,,at ,,an ,,informal ,,dinner ,,the ,,table ,,appointments ,,are ,,equally ,,fine ,,and ,,beautiful1 ,,though ,,possibly ,,not ,,quite ,,so ,,rare4 ,page #bbh4 ,,what ,,the ,,servants ,,wear ,a butler wears his morning clothes2 cutaway coat1 gray striped trousers1 high black waistcoat1 black tie4 ,a hired waiter wears a dress suit1 but never a butler in a smart house2 he does not put on his evening clothes until after six o'clock4 ,in a smart house1 the footmen wear their dress liveries1 and a waitress and other maids wear their best uniforms4 ,,the ,,guests ,,leave ,the usual lunch hour is half past one4 ,by a quarter to three the last guest is invariably gone1 unless1 of course1 it is a bridge luncheon1 or for some other reason they are staying longer4 ,from half an hour to three-quarters at the table1 and from twenty minutes to half an hour's conversation afterwards1 means that by half past two 7if lunch was prompt7 guests begin leaving4 ,once in a while1 especially at a mixed lunch where perhaps talented people are persuaded to become entertainers the audience stays on for hours6 ,but such parties are so out of the usual that they have nothing to do with the ordinary procedure1 which is to leave about twenty minutes after the end of the meal4 ,the details for leaving are also the same as for dinners4 ,one lady rises and says good-by1 the hostess rises and shakes hands and rings a bell 7if necessary7 for the servant to be in the hall to open the door4 ,when one guest gets up to go1 the others invariably follow4 ,they say ,good-by and ,thank you so much4 ,or1 at a little luncheon1 intimate friends often stay on indefinitely2 but when lunching with an acquaintance one should never stay a moment longer than the other guests4 ,the guest who sits on and on1 unless earnestly pressed to do so1 is wanting in tact and social sense4 ,if a hostess invites a stranger who might by any chance prove a barnacle1 she can provide for the contingency by instructing her butler or waitress to tell her when her car is at the door4 ,she then says3 ,i had to have the car announced1 because ,i have an appointment at the doctor's4 ,do wait while ,i put on my things--,i shall be only a moment6 ,and ,i can take you wherever you want to go6 ,this expedient should not be used when a hostess has leisure to sit at home1 but on the other hand1 a guest should never create an awkward situation for her hostess by staying too long4 ,in the country where people live miles apart1 they naturally stay somewhat longer than in town4 ,or two or three intimate friends who perhaps 7especially in the country7 come to spend the day1 are not bound by rules of etiquette but by the rules of their own and their hostess' personal preference4 ,they take off their hats or not as they choose1 and they bring their sewing or knitting and sit all day1 or they go out and play games1 and in other ways behave as house-guests rather than visitors at luncheon4 ,the only rule about such an informal gathering as this is1 that no one should ever go and spend the day and make herself at home unless she is in the house of a really very intimate friend or relative1 or unless she has been especially and specifically invited to do that very thing4 ,,the ,,stand-,,up ,,luncheon ,this is nothing more nor less than a buffet lunch4 ,it is popular because it is a very informal and jolly sort of party--an indoor picnic really--and never attempted except among people who know each other well4 ,the food is all put on the dining table and every one helps himself4 ,there is always bouillon or oyster stew or clam chowder4 ,the most informal dishes are suitable for this sort of a meal1 as for a picnic4 ,there are two hot dishes and a salad1 and a dessert which may be1 but seldom is1 ice cream4 ,stand-up luncheons are very practical for hostesses who have medium sized houses1 or when an elastic number of guests are expected at the time of a ball game1 or other event that congregates a great many people4 ,a hunt breakfast is usually a stand-up luncheon4 ,it is a breakfast by courtesy of half an hour in time4 ,at twelve-thirty it is breakfast1 at one o'clock it is lunch4 ,regular weekly stand-up luncheons are given by hospitable people who have big places in the country and encourage their friends to drive over on some especial day when they are at home--,saturdays or ,sundays generally--and intimate friends drop in uninvited1 but always prepared for4 ,on such occasions1 luncheon is made a little more comfortable by providing innumerable individual tables to which people can carry the plates1 glasses or cups and sit down in comfort4 ,,suppers ,supper is the most intimate meal there is1 and since none but family or closest friends are ever included1 invitations are invariably by word of mouth4 ,the atmosphere of a luncheon is often formal1 but informal luncheons and suppers differ in nothing except day and evening lights1 and clothes4 ,strangers are occasionally invited to informal luncheons1 but only intimate friends are bidden to supper4 ,,the ,,supper ,,table ,the table is set1 as to places and napery1 exactly like the lunch table1 with the addition of candlesticks or candelabra as at dinner4 ,where supper differs from the usual lunch table is that in front of the hostess is a big silver tea-tray with full silver service for tea or cocoa or chocolate or breakfast coffee1 most often chocolate or cocoa and either tea or coffee4 ,at the host's end of the table there is perhaps a chafing dish--that is1 if the host fancies himself a cook6 ,a number of people whose establishments are not very large1 have very informal ,sunday night suppers on their servants' ,sundays out1 and forage for themselves4 ,the table is left set1 a cold dish of something and salad are left in the icebox2 the ingredients for one or two chafing dish specialties are also left ready4 ,at supper time a member of the family1 and possibly an intimate friend or two1 carry the dishes to the table and make hot toast on a toaster4 ,this kind of supper is1 in fact as well as spirit1 an indoor picnic2 thought to be the greatest fun by the ,kindharts1 but little appreciated by the ,gildings1 which brings it down1 with so many other social customs1 to a mere matter of personal taste4 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,,balls ,,and ,,dances ,a ball is the only social function in ,america to which such qualifying words as splendor and magnificence can with proper modesty of expression be applied4 ,even the most elaborate wedding is not quite a scene of splendor and magnificence no matter how luxurious the decorations or how costly the dress of the bride and bridesmaids1 because the majority of the wedding guests do not complete the picture4 ,a dinner may be lavish1 a dance may be beautiful1 but a ball alone is prodigal1 meaning1 of course1 a private ball of greatest importance4 ,on rare occasions1 a great ball is given in a private house1 but since few houses are big enough to provide dancing space for several hundred and sit-down supper space for a greater number still1 besides smoking-room1 dressing-room and sitting-about space1 it would seem logical to describe a typical ball as taking place in the ballroom suite built for the purpose in nearly all hotels4 ,a ,,hostess ,,prepares ,,to ,,give ,a ,,ball ,the hostess who is not giving the ball in her own house goes first of all to see the manager of the hotel 7or of whatever suitable assembly rooms there may be7 and finds out which evenings are available4 ,she then telephones--probably from the manager's office--and engages the two best orchestras for whichever evening both the orchestras and the ballroom are at her disposal4 ,of the two1 music is of more importance than rooms4 ,with perfect music the success of a ball is more than three-quarters assured2 without it1 the most beautiful decorations and most delicious supper are as flat as a fallen souffl4 ,you cannot give a ball or a dance that is anything but a dull promenade if you have dull music4 ,to illustrate the importance that prominent hostesses attach to music3 a certain orchestra in ,new ,york to-day is forced to dash almost daily1 not alone from party to party1 but from city to city4 ,time and again its leader has conducted the music at a noon wedding in ,philadelphia1 and a ball in ,boston2 or a dancing tea in ,providence and a ball that evening in ,new ,york2 because ,boston1 ,providence1 ,new ,york and ,philadelphia hostesses all at the present moment clamor for this one especial orchestra4 ,the men have a little more respite than the leader since it is his leading that every one insists upon4 ,tomorrow another orchestra will probably make the daily tour of various cities' ballrooms4 ,at all balls1 there must be two orchestras1 so that each time one finishes playing the other begins4 ,at very dignified private balls1 dancers should not stand in the middle of the floor and clap as they do in a dance hall or cabaret if the music ends4 ,on the other hand1 the music should not end4 ,having secured the music and engaged the ballroom1 reception rooms1 dressing-rooms and smoking-room1 as well as the main restaurant 7after it is closed to the public71 the hostess next makes out her list and orders and sends out her invitations4 ,,invitations ,the fundamental difference between a ball and a dance is that people of all ages are asked to a ball1 while only those of approximately one age are asked to a dance4 ,once in a while a ball is given to which the hostess invites every person on her visiting list4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,titherington de ,puyster give one every season1 which although a credit to their intentions is seldom a credit to their sense of beauty6 ,snobbish as it sounds and is1 a brilliant ball is necessarily a collection of brilliantly fashionable people1 and the hostess who gathers in all the oddly assorted frumps on the outskirts of society cannot expect to achieve a very distinguished result4 ,ball invitations properly include all of the personal friends of the hostess no matter what their age1 and all her better-known social acquaintances--meaning every one she would be likely to invite to a formal dinner4 ,she does not usually invite a lady with whom she may work on a charitable committee1 even though she may know her well1 and like her4 ,the question as to whether an outsider may be invited is not a matter of a hostess' own inclination so much as a question whether the outsider would be agreeable to all the insiders who are coming4 ,if the co-worker is in everything a lady and a fitting ornament to society1 the hostess might very possibly ask her4 ,if the ball to be given is for a dbutante1 all the dbutantes whose mothers are on the general visiting list are asked as well as all young dancing men in these same families4 ,in other words the children of all those whose names are on the general visiting list of a hostess are selected to receive invitations1 but the parents on whose standing the daughters and sons are asked1 are rarely invited4 ,when a ,list is ,borrowed ,a lady who has a dbutante daughter1 but who has not given any general parties for years--or ever1 and whose daughter1 having been away at boarding-school or abroad1 has therefore very few acquaintances of her own1 must necessarily in sending out invitations to a ball take the list of young girls and men from a friend or a member of her family4 ,this of course could only be done by a hostess whose position is unquestioned1 but having had no occasion to keep a young people's list1 she has not the least idea who the young people of the moment are1 and takes a short-cut as above4 ,otherwise she would send invitations to children of ten and spinsters of forty1 trusting to their being of suitable age4 ,to take a family or intimate friend's list is also important to the unaccustomed hostess1 because to leave out any of the younger set who belong in the groups which are included1 is not the way to make a party a success4 ,those who don't find their friends go home1 or stay and are bored1 and the whole party sags in consequence4 ,so that if a hostess knows the parents personally of1 let us say1 eighty per cent4 of young society1 she can quite properly include the twenty per cent4 she does not know1 so that the hundred per cent4 can come together4 ,in a small community it is rather cruel to leave out any of the young people whose friends are all invited4 ,in a very great city on the other hand1 an habitual hostess does not ask any to her house whom she does not know1 but she can of course be as generous as she chooses in allowing young people to have invitations for friends4 ,asking for an ,invitation to a ,ball ,it is always permissible to ask a hostess if you may bring a dancing man who is a stranger to her4 ,it is rather difficult to ask for an invitation for an extra girl1 and still more difficult to ask for older people1 because the hostess has no ground on which she can refuse without being rude2 she can't say there is no room since no dance is really limited1 and least of all a ball4 ,men who dance are always an asset1 and the more the better2 but a strange young girl hung around the neck of the hostess is about as welcome as a fog at a garden party4 ,if the girl is to be brought and looked after by the lady asking for the invitation--who has herself been already invited--that is another matter1 and the hostess can not well object4 ,or if the young girl is the fiance of the man whose mother asks for the invitation1 that is all right too2 since he will undoubtedly come with her and see that she is not left alone4 ,invitations for older people are never asked for unless they are rather distinguished strangers and unquestionably suitable4 ,invitations are never asked for persons whom the hostess already knows1 since if she had cared to invite them she would have done so4 ,it is1 however1 not at all out of the way for an intimate friend to remind her of some one who in receiving no invitation has more than likely been overlooked4 ,if the omission was intentional1 nothing need be said2 if it was an oversight1 the hostess is very glad to repair her forgetfulness4 ,invitations for ,strangers ,an invitation that has been asked for a stranger is sent direct and without comment4 ,for instance1 when the ,greatlakes of ,chicago came to ,new ,york for a few weeks1 ,mrs4 ,norman asked both ,mrs4 ,worldly and ,mrs4 ,gilding to send them invitations2 one to a musicale and the other to a ball4 ,the ,greatlakes received these invitations without ,mrs4 ,norman's card enclosed or any other word of explanation1 as it was taken for granted that ,mrs4 ,norman would tell the ,greatlakes that it was through her that the invitations were sent4 ,the ,greatlakes said ,thank you very much for asking us when they bid their hostess good night1 and they also left their cards immediately on the ,worldlys and ,gildings after the parties--but it was also the duty of ,mrs4 ,norman to thank both hostesses--verbally--for sending the invitations4 ,,decorations ,so far as good taste is concerned1 the decorations for a ball cannot be too lavish or beautiful4 ,to be sure they should not be lavish if one's purse is limited1 but if one's purse is really limited1 one should not give a ball6 ,a small dance or a dancing tea would be more suitable4 ,ball decorations have on occasions been literally astounding1 but as a rule no elaboration is undertaken other than hanging greens and flowers over the edge of the gallery1 if there is a gallery1 banking palms in corners1 and putting up sheaves of flowers or trailing vines wherever most effective4 ,in any event the hostess consults her florist1 but if the decorations are to be very important1 an architect or an artist is put in charge1 with a florist under him4 ,,the ,,ball ,,beautiful ,certain sounds1 perfumes1 places1 always bring associated pictures to mind3 ,restaurant suppers2 ,paris6 ,distinguished-looking audiences2 ,london6 ,the essence of charm in society2 ,rome6 ,beguiling and informal joyousness2 ,san ,francisco6 ,recklessness2 ,colorado ,springs6 ,the afternoon visit2 ,washington6 ,hectic and splendid gaiety2 ,new ,york6 ,beautiful balls2 ,boston6 ,there are three reasons 7probably more7 why the balls in ,boston have what can be described only by the word quality4 ,the word elegance before it was misused out of existence expressed it even better4 ,first3 ,best ,society in ,boston having kept its social walls intact1 granting admission only to those of birth and breeding1 has therefore preserved a quality of unmistakable cultivation4 ,there are undoubtedly other cities1 especially in the ,south1 which have also kept their walls up and their traditions intact--but ,boston has been the wise virgin as well1 and has kept her lamp filled4 ,second3 ,boston hostesses of position have never failed to demand of those who would remain on their lists1 strict obedience to the tenets of ceremonies and dignified behavior2 nor ceased themselves to cultivate something of the grand manner that should be the birthright of every thoroughbred lady and gentleman4 ,third3 ,boston's older ladies and gentlemen always dance at balls1 and they neither rock around the floor1 nor take their dancing violently4 ,and the fact that older ladies of distinction dance with dignity1 has an inevitable effect upon younger ones1 so that at balls at least1 dancing has not degenerated into gymnastics or contortions4 ,the extreme reverse of a smart ,boston ball is one--no matter where--which has a roomful of people who deport themselves abominably1 who greet each other by waving their arms aloft1 who dance like ,apaches or jiggling music-box figures1 and who scarcely suggest an assemblage of even decent--let alone well-bred--people4 ,,supper ,a sit-down supper that is served continuously for two or three hours1 is the most elaborate ball supper4 ,next in importance is the sit-down supper at a set time4 ,third1 the buffet supper which is served at dances but not at balls4 ,at the most fashionable ,new ,york balls1 supper service begins at one and continues until three and people go when they feel like it4 ,the restaurant is closed to the public at one o'clock2 the entrance is then curtained or shut off from the rest of the hotel4 ,the tables are decorated with flowers and the supper service opened for the ball guests4 ,guests sit where they please1 either making up a table1 or a man and his partner finding a place wherever there are two vacant chairs4 ,at a private ball guests do not pay for anything or sign supper checks1 or tip the waiter1 since the restaurant is for the time being the private dining-room of the host and hostess4 ,at a sit-down supper at a set hour1 the choice of menu is unlimited1 but suppers are never as elaborate now as they used to be4 ,years ago few balls were given without terrapin1 and a supper without champagne was as unheard of4 ,in fact1 champagne was the heaviest item of expenditure always4 ,decorations might be very limited1 but champagne was as essential as music6 ,cotillion favors were also an important item which no longer exists2 and champagne has gone its way with nectar1 to the land of fable1 so that if you eliminate elaborate decorations1 ball-giving is not half the expense it used to be4 ,,for ,a ,,sit-,,down ,,supper ,,that ,,is ,,continuous ,when the service of supper continues for several hours1 it is necessary to select food that can be kept hot indefinitely without being spoiled4 ,birds or broiled chicken1 which should be eaten the moment they are cooked1 are therefore unsuitable4 ,dishes prepared in sauce keep best1 such as lobster ,newburg1 sweetbreads and mushrooms1 chicken la ,king1 or creamed oysters4 ,pts are satisfactory as the shells can be heated in a moment and hot creamed chicken or oysters poured in4 ,of course all cold dishes and salads can stand in the pantry or on a buffet table all evening4 ,the menu for supper at a ball is entirely a matter of the hostess' selection1 but whether it is served at one time or continuously1 the supper menu at an important ball includes3 #a4 ,bouillon or green turtle 7clear7 in cups4 #b4 ,lobster a la ,newburg 7or terrapin or oyster pt or another hot dish of shell-fish or fowl74 #c4 ,a second choice hot dish of some sort1 squab1 chicken and peas 7if supper is served at a special hour7 or croquettes and peas if continuous4 #d4 ,salad1 which includes every variety known1 with or without an aspic4 #e4 ,individual ices1 fancy cakes4 #f4 ,black coffee in little cups4 ,breakfast served at about four in the morning and consisting of scrambled eggs with sausages or bacon and breakfast coffee and rolls is an occasional custom at both dances and balls4 ,there is always an enormous glass bowl of punch or orangeade--sometimes two or three bowls each containing a different iced drink--in a room adjoining the ballroom4 ,and in very cold climates it is the thoughtful custom of some hostesses to have a cup of hot chocolate or bouillon offered each departing guest4 ,this is an especially welcome attention to those who have a long drive home4 ,a ,,dance ,a dance is merely a ball on a smaller scale1 fewer people are asked to it and it has usually1 but not necessarily1 simpler decorations4 ,but the real difference is that invitations to balls always include older people--as many if not more than younger ones--whereas invitations to a dance for a dbutante1 for instance1 include none but very young girls1 young men and the merest handful of the hostess' most intimate friends4 ,supper may equally be a simple buffet or an elaborate sit-down one1 depending upon the size and type of the house4 ,or a dance may equally well as a ball be given in the banquet or smaller ballroom of a hotel1 or in the assembly or ballroom of a club4 ,a formal dance differs from an informal one merely in elaboration1 and in whether the majority of those present are strangers to one another2 a really informal dance is one to which only those who know one another well are invited4 ,,details ,,of ,,preparation ,,for ,a ,,ball ,,or ,,dance ,,in ,a ,,private ,,house ,there is always an awning and a red carpet down the steps 7or up71 and a chauffeur to open the carriage doors and a policeman or detective to see that strangers do not walk uninvited into the house4 ,if there is a great crush1 there is a detective in the hall to investigate anyone who does not have himself announced to the hostess4 ,all the necessary appurtenances such as awning1 red carpet1 coat hanging racks1 ballroom chairs1 as well as crockery1 glass1 napkins1 waiters and food are supplied by hotels or caterers4 7,excepting in houses like the ,gildings1' where footmen's liveries are kept purposely1 the caterer's men are never in footmen's liveries47 ,unless a house has a ballroom the room selected for dancing must have all the furniture moved out of it2 and if there are adjoining rooms and the dancing room is not especially big1 it adds considerably to the floor space to put no chairs around it4 ,those who dance seldom sit around a ballroom anyway1 and the more informal grouping of chairs in the hall or library is a better arrangement than the wainscot row or wall-flower exposition grounds4 ,the floor1 it goes without saying1 must be smooth and waxed1 and no one should attempt to give a dance whose house is not big enough4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,the ,,ballroom ,new ,york's invitations are usually for ten o'clock but first guests do not appear before ten-thirty and most people arrive at about eleven or after4 ,the hostess1 however1 must be ready to receive on the stroke of the hour specified in her invitations1 and the dbutante or any one the ball may be given for1 must also be with her4 ,it is not customary to put the dbutante's name on the formal ,at ,home invitation1 and it is even occasionally omitted on invitations that request the pleasure of ---- so that the only way acquaintances can know the ball is being given for the daughter is by seeing her standing beside her mother4 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,robert ,gilding request the pleasure of ,name of guest is written here company on ,tuesday1 the twenty-seventh of ,december at ten o'clock at the ,fitz-,cherry ,dancing ,r4s4v4p4 ,twenty-three ,east ,laurel ,street ,the hostess never leaves her post1 wherever it is she is standing1 until she goes to supper4 ,if1 as at the ,ritz in ,new ,york1 the ballroom opens on a foyer at the head of a stairway1 the hostess always receives at this place4 ,in a private house where guests go up in an elevator to the dressing rooms1 and then walk down to the ballroom floor1 the hostess receives either at the foot of the stairway1 or just outside the ballroom4 ,,the ,,hostess ,,at ,a ,,ball ,guests arriving are announced1 as at a dinner or afternoon tea1 and after shaking hands with the hostess1 they must pass on into the ballroom4 ,it is not etiquette to linger beside the hostess for more than a moment1 especially if later arrivals are being announced4 ,a stranger ought never go to a ball alone1 as the hostess is powerless to look after any especial guests2 her duty being to stand in one precise place and receive4 ,a stranger who is a particular friend of the hostess would be looked after by the host2 but a stranger who is invited through another guest should be looked after by that other4 ,a gentleman who has received an invitation through a friend is usually accompanied by the friend who presents him4 ,otherwise when the butler announces him to the hostess1 he bows1 and says ,mrs4 ,norman asked you if ,i might come4 ,and the hostess shakes hands and says ,how do you do1 ,i am very glad to see you4 ,if other young men or any young girls are standing near1 the hostess very likely introduces him4 ,otherwise1 if he knows no one1 he waits among the stags until his own particular sponsor appears4 ,after supper1 when she is no longer receiving1 the hostess is free to talk with her friends and give her attention to the roomful of young people who are actually in her charge4 ,when her guests leave she does not go back to where she received1 but stands wherever she happens to be1 shakes hands and says ,good night4 ,there is one occasion when it is better not to bid one's hostess good night1 and that is1 if one finds her party dull and leaves again immediately2 in this one case it is more polite to slip away so as to attract the least attention possible1 but late in the evening it is inexcusably ill mannered not to find her and say ,good night and ,thank you4 ,the duty of seeing that guests are looked after1 that shy youths are presented to partners1 that shyer girls are not left on the far wall-flower outposts1 that the dowagers are taken in to supper1 and that the elderly gentlemen are provided with good cigars in the smoking-room1 falls to the host and his son or son-in-law1 or any other near male member of the family4 ,,masquerade ,,vouchers ,vouchers or tickets of admission like those sent with invitations to assembly or public balls should be enclosed in invitations to a masquerade2 it would be too easy otherwise for dishonest or other undesirable persons to gain admittance4 ,if vouchers are not sent with the invitations1 or better yet1 mailed afterwards to all those who have accepted1 it is necessary that the hostess receive her guests singly in a small private room and request each to unmask before her4 ,,how ,,to ,,walk ,,across ,a ,,ballroom ,if you analyze the precepts laid down by etiquette you will find that for each there is a perfectly good reason4 ,years ago a lady never walked across a ballroom floor without the support of a gentleman's arm1 which was much easier than walking alone across a very slippery surface in high-heeled slippers4 ,when the late ,ward ,mc,allister classified ,new ,york society as having four hundred people who were at ease in a ballroom1 he indicated that the ballroom was the test of the best manners4 ,he also said at a dinner--after his book was published and the country had already made ,new ,york's ,four ,hundred a theme for cartoons and jests--that among the ,four hundred who were at ease1 not more than ten could gracefully cross a ballroom floor alone4 ,if his ghost is haunting the ballrooms of our time1 it is certain the number is still further reduced4 ,the athletic young woman of to-day strides across the ballroom floor as though she were on the golf course2 the happy-go-lucky one ambles--shoulders stooped1 arms swinging1 hips and head in advance of chest2 others trot1 others shuffle1 others make a rush for it4 ,the young girl who could walk across a room with the consummate grace of ,mrs4 ,oldname 7who as a girl of eighteen was one of ,mr4 ,mc,allister's ten7 would have to be very assiduously sought for4 ,how does ,mrs4 ,oldname walk8 ,one might answer by describing how ,pavlowa dances4 ,her body is perfectly balanced1 she holds herself straight1 and yet in nothing suggests a ramrod4 ,she takes steps of medium length1 and1 like all people who move and dance well1 walks from the hip1 not the knee4 ,on no account does she swing her arms1 nor does she rest a hand on her hip6 ,nor when walking1 does she wave her hands about in gesticulation4 ,some one asked her if she had ever been taught to cross a ballroom floor4 ,as a matter of fact1 she had4 ,her grandmother1 who was a ,toplofty1 made all her grandchildren walk daily across a polished floor with sand-bags on their heads4 ,and the old lady directed the drill herself4 ,no shuffling of feet and no stamping1 either2 no waggling of hips1 no swinging of arms1 and not a shoulder stooped4 ,furthermore1 they were taught to enter a room and to sit for an indefinite period in self-effacing silence while their elders were talking4 ,older gentlemen still give their arms to older ladies in all promenading at a ball1 since the customs of a lifetime are not broken by one short and modern generation4 ,those of to-day walk side by side1 except in going down to supper when supper is at a set hour4 ,at public balls when there is a grand march1 ladies take gentlemen's arms4 ,,distinction ,,vanished ,,with ,,cotillion ,the glittering display of tinsel satin favors that used to be the featured and gayest decoration of every ballroom1 is gone2 the cotillion leader1 his hands full of seat checks1 his manners a cross between those of ,lord ,chesterfield and a traffic policeman1 is gone2 and much of the distinction that used to be characteristic of the ballroom is gone with the cotillion4 ,there is no question that a cotillion was prettier to look at than a mob scene of dancers crowding each other for every few inches of progress4 ,the reason why cotillions were conducive to good manners was that people were on exhibition1 where now they are unnoticed components of a general crowd4 ,when only a sixth1 at most1 of those in the room danced while others had nothing to do but watch them1 it was only natural that those on exhibition should dance as well as they possibly could1 and since their walking across the room and asking others to dance by offering a favor was also watched1 grace of deportment and correct manners were not likely to deteriorate1 either4 ,the cotillion was detested and finally banned by the majority who wanted to dance ceaselessly throughout the evening4 ,but it was of particular advantage to the very young girl who did not know many men1 as well as to what might be called the helpless type4 ,each young girl1 if she had a partner1 had a place where she belonged and where she sat throughout the evening4 ,and since no couple could dance longer than the few moments allowed by the figure1 there was no chance of anyone's being stuck2 so that the average girl had a better chance of being asked to dance than now--when1 without programmes1 and without cotillions1 there is nothing to relieve the permanency of a young man's attachment to an unknown young girl once he asks her to dance4 ,,the ,,ordeal ,,by ,,ballroom ,instead of being easier1 it would seem that time makes it increasingly difficult for any but distinct successes to survive the ordeal by ballroom4 ,years ago a dbutante was supposed to flutter into society in the shadow of mamma's protecting amplitude2 to-day she is packed off by herself and with nothing to relieve her dependence upon whoever may come near her4 ,to liken a charming young girl in the prettiest of frocks to a spider is not very courteous2 and yet the rle of spider is what she is forced by the exigencies of ballroom etiquette to play4 ,she must catch a fly1 meaning a trousered companion1 so as not to be left in placarded disgrace2 and having caught him she must hang on to him until another takes his place4 ,there should be drastic revision of ballroom customs4 ,there is a desperate need of what in local dancing classes was called the ,dump1 where without rudeness a gentleman could leave a lady as soon as they had finished dancing4 ,there used to be a chaperon into whose care a young girl could be committed2 there used to be the dance card1 or programme 7still in vogue at public balls7 that allotted a certain dance to a certain gentleman and lady equally4 ,there used to be the cotillion which1 while cruel1 at least committed its acts of cruelty with merciful dispatch4 ,when the cotillion began1 the girl who had no partner--went home4 ,she had to4 ,now1 once she has acquired a companion1 he is planted beside her until another takes his place4 ,it is this fact and no other which is responsible for the dread that the average young girl feels in facing the ordeal of a ballroom1 and for the discourteous unconcern shown by dancing men who under other conditions would be friendly4 ,the situation of a young girl1 left cruelly alone1 draws its own picture1 but the reason for the callous and ill-mannered behavior of the average dancing man1 may perhaps need a word of explanation4 ,for instance3 ,jim ,smartlington1 when he was a senior at college1 came down to the ,toploftys' ball on purpose to see ,mary ,smith4 ,very early1 before ,mary arrived1 he saw a ,miss ,blank1 a girl he had met at a dinner in ,providence1 standing at the entrance of the room4 ,following a casual impulse of friendliness he asked her to dance4 ,she danced badly4 ,no one cut in and they danced and danced1 sat down and danced again4 ,mary arrived4 ,jim walked ,miss ,blank near the stag line and introduced several men1 who bowed and slid out of sight with the dexterity of eels who recognized a hook4 ,from half-past ten until supper at half-past one1 ,jim was planted4 ,he was then forced to tell her he had a partner for supper1 and left her at the door of the dressing-room4 ,there was no other place to leave her4 ,he felt like a brute and a cad1 even though he had waited nearly three hours before being able to speak to the girl he had come purposely to see4 ,there really is something to be said on the man's side2 especially on that of one who has to get up early in the morning and who1 only intending to see one or two particular friends and then go home1 is forced because of an impulse of courtesy not only to spend an endless and exhausting evening1 but to be utterly unfit for his work next day4 ,one is equally sorry for the girl6 ,but in the example above her stupid handling of the situation not only spoiled one well-intentioned man's evening1 but completely finished herself so far as her future chances for success were concerned4 ,not alone her partner but every brother-stag who stood in the doorway mentally placarded her ,keep off4 ,it is suicidal for a girl to make any man spend an entire evening with her4 ,if at the end of two dances1 there is no intimate friend she can signal to1 or an older lady she can insist on being left with1 she should go home2 and if the same thing happens several times1 she should not go to balls4 ,for the reasons given above1 there is little that a hostess or host can do1 unless a promise of release is held out1 and that in itself is a deplorable situation2 a humiliation that no young girl's name should be submitted to4 ,and yet there it is6 ,it is only necessary for a hostess to say ,i want to introduce you to a charming---- ,and she is already speaking to the air4 ,boston hostesses solve the problem of a young girl's success in a ballroom in a way unknown in ,new ,york1 by having ushers4 ,,ushers ,each hostess chooses from among the best known young men in society1 who have perfect address and tact1 a number to act as ushers4 ,they are distinguished by white boutonnires1 like those worn by ushers at a wedding1 and they are deputy hosts4 ,it is their duty to see that wall-flowers are not left decorating the seats in the ballroom and it is also their duty to relieve a partner who has too long been planted beside the same rosebud4 ,the ushers themselves have little chance to follow their own inclinations1 and unless the honor of being chosen by a prominent hostess has some measure of compensation1 the appointment--since it may not be refused--is a doubtful pleasure4 ,an usher has the right to introduce anyone to anyone without knowing either principal personally and without asking any lady's permission4 ,he may also ask a lady 7if he has a moment to himself7 to dance with him1 whether he has ever met her or not1 and he can also leave her promptly1 because any stag called upon by an usher must dance4 ,the usher in turn must release every stag he calls upon by substituting another2 and the second by a third and so on4 ,in order to make a ball go1 meaning to keep everyone dancing1 the ushers have on occasions to spend the entire evening in relief work4 ,at a ball where there are ushers1 a girl standing or sitting alone would at once be rescued by one of them1 and a rotation of partners presented to her4 ,if she is hopeless--meaning neither pretty nor attractive nor a good dancer--even the ushers are in time forced to relieve her partners and take her to a dowager friend of the hostess1 beside whom she will be obliged to sit until she learns that she must seek her popularity otherwhere than at balls4 ,on the other hand1 on an occasion when none of her friends happen to be present1 the greatest belle of the year can spend an equally deadly evening4 ,,the ,,dance ,,program ,the program or dance-card of public balls and college class dances1 has undeniable advantages4 ,a girl can give as many dances as she chooses to whomever she chooses2 and a man can be sure of having not only many but uninterrupted dances with the one he most wants to be with--provided she is willing4 ,why the dance-card is unheard of at private balls in ,new ,york is hard to determine1 except that fashionable society does not care to take its pleasure on schedule6 ,the gilded youth likes to dance when the impulse moves him2 he also likes to be able to stay or leave when he pleases4 ,in ,new ,york there are often two or three dances given on the same evening1 and he likes to drift from one to the other just as he likes to drift from one partner to another1 or not dance at all if he does not want to4 ,a man who writes himself down for the tenth jazz must be eagerly appearing on the stroke of the first bar4 ,or if he does not engage his partners busily at the opening of the evening1 he can not dance at all--he may not want to1 but he hates not being able to4 ,so again we come back to the present situation and the problem of the average young girl whose right it is1 because of her youth and sweetness1 to be happy and young--and not to be terrified1 wretched and neglected4 ,the one and only solution seems to be for her to join a group4 ,,the ,,flock-,,system ,,of ,,the ,,wise ,,fledglings ,if a number of young girls and young men come together--better yet1 if they go everywhere together1 always sit in a flock1 always go to supper together1 always dance with one another--they not only have a good time but they are sure to be popular with drifting odd men also4 ,if a man knows that having asked a girl to dance1 one of her group will inevitably cut in1 he is eager to dance with her4 ,or if he can take her to the others when they have danced long enough1 he is not only delighted to be with her for a while but to sit with her and the others off and on throughout that and every other evening1 because since there are always some of them together he can go again the moment he chooses4 ,certain groups of clever girls sit in precisely the same place in a ballroom1 to the right of the door1 or the left1 or in a corner4 ,one might almost say they form a little club2 they dance as much as they like1 but come back home between whiles4 ,they all go to supper together1 and whether individuals have partners or not is scarcely noticeable1 nor even known by themselves4 ,no young girl1 unless she is a marked favorite1 should ever go to a ball alone4 ,if her especial flock has not as yet been systematized1 she must go to a dinner before every dance1 so as to go1 and stay1 with a group4 ,if she is not asked to dinner1 her mother must give one for her2 or she must have at least one dependable beau--or better1 two--who will wait for her and look out for her4 ,,maid ,,goes ,,with ,,her ,a young girl who goes to a ball without a chaperon 7meaning of course a private ball71 takes a maid with her who sits in the dressing-room the entire evening4 ,not only is it thought proper to have a maid waiting1 but nothing can add more to the panic of a partnerless girl than to feel she has not even a means of escape by going home2 she can always call a taxi as long as her maid is with her1 and go4 ,otherwise she either has to stay in the ballroom or sit forlorn among the visiting maids in the dressing-room4 ,,what ,,makes ,a ,,young ,,girl ,a ,,ballroom ,,success ,much of the above is so pessimistic one might suppose that a ballroom is always a chamber of torture and the young girl taken as an example above1 a very drab and distorted caricature of what a real young girl should be and is4 ,but remember1 the young girl who is a belle of the ballroom needs no advice on how to manage a happy situation2 no thought spent on how to make a perfect time better4 ,the ballroom is the most wonderful stage-setting there is for the girl who is a ballroom success4 ,and for this1 especial talents are needed just as they are for art or sport or any other accomplishment4 ,the great ballroom success1 first and foremost1 dances well4 ,almost always she is pretty4 ,beauty counts enormously at a ball4 ,the girl who is beautiful and dances well is1 of course1 the ideal ballroom belle4 ,but--this for encouragement--these qualities can in a measure at least be acquired4 ,all things being more or less equal1 the girl who dances best has the most partners4 ,let a daughter of ,venus or the heiress of ,midas dance badly1 and she might better stay at home4 ,to dance divinely is an immortal gift1 but to dance well can 7except in obstinate cases1 as the advertisements say7 be taught4 ,let us suppose therefore1 that she dances well1 that she has a certain degree of looks1 that she is fairly intelligent4 ,the next most important thing1 after dancing well1 is to be unafraid1 and to look as though she were having a good time4 ,conversational cleverness is of no account in a ballroom2 some of the greatest belles ever known have been as stupid as sheep1 but they have had happy dispositions and charming and un-self-conscious manners4 ,there is one thing every girl who would really be popular should learn1 in fact1 she must learn--self-unconsciousness6 ,the best advice might be to follow somewhat the precepts of mental science and make herself believe that a good time exists in her own mind4 ,if she can become possessed with the idea that she is having a good time and look as though she were1 the psychological effect is astonishing4 ,,cutting ,,in ,when one of the stags standing in the doorway sees a girl dance past whom he wants to dance with1 he darts forward1 lays his hand on the shoulder of her partner1 who relinquishes his place in favor of the newcomer1 and a third in turn does the same to him4 ,or1 the one1 who was first dancing with her1 may cut in on the partner who took her from him1 after she has danced once around the ballroom4 ,this seemingly far from polite maneuver1 is considered correct behavior in best society in ,boston1 ,new ,york1 ,philadelphia1 ,buffalo1 ,pittsburgh1 ,chicago1 ,san ,francisco1 and therefore most likely in all parts of ,america4 7,not in ,london1 nor on the ,continent47 ,at dances organized during the ,war in the canteens for soldiers and sailors on furlough1 the men refused to cut in because they thought it was rude and undoubtedly it is1 except that custom has made it acceptable4 ,if1 however1 it still seems rude to the young men of ,othertown to cut in1 then they should not do so4 ,,sitting ,,out ,,dances ,on the other hand1 if a girl is sitting in another room1 or on the stairs with a man alone1 a second one should not interrupt1 or ask her to dance4 ,if she is sitting in a group1 he can go up and ask her1 ,don't you want to dance some of this8 ,she then either smiles and says1 ,not just now--,i am very tired1 or if she likes him1 she may add1 ,come and sit with us6 ,to refuse to dance with one man and then immediately dance with another is an open affront to the first one--excusable only if he was intoxicated or otherwise actually offensive so that the affront was both intentional and justifiable4 ,but under ordinary circumstances1 if she is dancing1 she must dance with everyone who asks her2 if she is not dancing1 she must not make exceptions4 ,an older lady can very properly refuse to dance and then perhaps dance briefly with her son or husband1 without hurting her guest's proper pride1 but having refused to dance with one gentleman she must not change her mind and dance later with another4 ,a young girl who is dancing may not refuse to change partners when another cuts in4 ,this is the worst phase of the cutting in custom2 those who particularly want to dance together are often unable to take more than a dozen steps before being interrupted4 ,once in a while a girl will shake her head ,no to a stag who darts toward her4 ,but that is considered rude4 ,a few others have devised dancing with their eyes shut as a signal that they do not want to be cut in on4 ,but this is neither customary nor even a generally known practise4 ,it is always the privilege of the girl to stop dancing2 a man is supposed to dance on and on1 until she--or the music--stops4 ,,asking ,,for ,a ,,dance ,when a gentleman is introduced to a lady he says1 ,may ,i have some of this8 or ,would you care to dance8 ,a lady never asks a gentleman to dance1 or to go to supper with her1 though she may if she is older1 or if she is a young girl who is one of a flock1 she may say ,come and sit at our table6 ,this however would not imply that in sitting at their table he is supposed to sit next to her4 ,in asking a lady to go to supper1 a gentleman should say ,will you go to supper with me8 ,or ,may ,i take you to supper8 ,he should never say1 ,have you a partner8 as she is put in an awkward position in having to admit that she has none4 ,a ,,ball ,,is ,,not ,a ,,dancing ,,school ,since a girl may not without rudeness refuse to dance with a man who cuts in1 a man who does not know how to dance is inexcusably inconsiderate if he cuts in on a good dancer and compels a young girl to become instructress for his own pleasure with utter disregard of hers4 ,if at home1 or elsewhere1 a young girl volunteers to teach him1 that is another matter1 but even so1 the ballroom is no place to practise--unless he is very sure that his dancing is not so bad as to be an imposition on his teacher4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,most ,,elaborate ,,dinner-,,dance ,,ever ,,given ,,in ,,new ,,york ,the scene represents the palace and garden at ,versailles4 ,there were only four tables4 ,singers appeared on the balcony during dinner1 other performers danced1 sang and juggled on the pathways4 ,after the dinner the pathways of grass were taken up to permit dancing by the guests4 ,page #bga4 ,,novelties ,,and ,,innovations ,formal occasions demand strict conventions4 ,at an important wedding1 at a dinner of ceremony1 at a ball1 it is not only bad form but shocking to deviate from accepted standards of formality4 ,surprize is an element that must be avoided on all dignified occasions4 ,those therefore1 who think it would be original and pleasing to spring surprizes on their guests at an otherwise conventional and formal entertainment1 should save their ideas for a children's party where surprizes not only belong1 but are delightedly appreciated4 ,to be sure1 one might perhaps consider that scenic effects or unusual diversions1 such as one sees at a costume ball or a period dinner1 belong under the head of surprize4 ,but in the first place such entertainments are not conventional2 and in the second1 details that are in accordance with the period or design of the ball or dinner are conventions after all4 ,on the other hand1 in the country especially1 nothing can be more fun or more appropriate than a barn dance1 or an impromptu play1 or a calico masquerade1 with properties and clothes made of any old thing and in a few hours--even in a few minutes4 ,music need not be an orchestra but it must be good1 and the floor must be adequate and smooth4 ,the supper is of secondary importance4 ,as for manners1 even though they may be unrestrained1 they can be meticulously perfect for all that6 ,there is no more excuse for rude or careless or selfish behavior at a picnic than at a ball4 ,,public ,,balls ,a public ball is a ball given for a benefit or charity4 ,a committee makes the arrangements and tickets are sold to the public1 either by being put on sale at hotels or at the house of the secretary of the committee4 ,a young girl of social position does not go to a public ball without a chaperon4 ,to go in the company of one or more gentlemen would be an unheard-of breach of propriety4 ,,subscription ,,dances ,,and ,,balls ,these are often of greater importance in a community than any number of its private balls4 ,in ,boston and ,philadelphia for instance1 a person's social standing is dependent upon whether or not she or he is invited to the ,assemblies4 ,the same was once true in ,new ,york when the ,patriarch and ,assembly ,balls were the dominating entertainments4 ,in ,baltimore too1 a man's social standing is non-existent if he does not belong to the ,monday ,germans1 and in many other cities membership in the subscription dances or dancing classes or sewing circles distinctly draws the line between the inside somebodies and the outside nobodies4 ,subscription dances such as these are managed and all invitations are issued by patronesses who are always ladies of unquestioned social prominence4 ,usually these patronesses are elected for life1 or at least for a long period of years4 ,when for one reason or another a vacancy occurs1 a new member is elected by the others to fill her place4 ,no outsider may ever ask to become a member4 ,usually a number of names are suggested and voted on at a meeting1 and whoever wins the highest number of votes is elected4 ,the expenses of balls such as ,assemblies1 are borne by the patronesses collectively1 but other types of dances are paid for by subscribers who are invited to take tickets--as will be explained4 ,how ,subscription ,dances ,are ,organized ,whether in city1 town or village1 the organization is the same3 ,a small group of important ladies decide that it would be agreeable to have two or three balls--or maybe only one--a season4 ,this original group then suggests additional names until they have all agreed upon a list sufficient in size to form a nucleus4 ,these then are invited to join1 and all of them at another meeting decide on the final size of the list and whom it is to include4 ,the list may be a hundred1 or it may stay at the original group of a half dozen or so4 ,let us for example say the complete list is fifty4 ,fifty ladies1 therefore1 the most prominent possible1 are the patronesses or managers1 or whatever they choose to call themselves4 ,they also elect a chairman1 a vice-chairman1 a secretary1 and a treasurer4 ,they then elect seven or eight others who are to constitute the managing committee4 ,the other thirty-eight or forty are merely members who will pay their dues and have the right to a certain number of tickets for each of the balls4 ,these tickets1 by the way1 are never actually sent by the members themselves1 who merely submit the names of the guests they have chosen to the committee on invitations4 ,this is the only practical way to avoid duplication4 ,otherwise1 let us say that ,mrs4 ,oldname1 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,mrs4 ,norman and ,mrs4 ,gilding each send their two tickets to the young ,smartlingtons1 which would mean that the ,smartlingtons would have to return three1 and those three invitations would start off on a second journey perhaps to be returned again4 ,on the other hand1 if each patroness sends in a list1 the top names which have not yet been entered in the invitation book are automatically selected1 and the committee notify her to whom her invitations went4 ,there is also another very important reason for the sending in of every name to the committee3 exclusiveness4 ,otherwise the balls would all too easily deteriorate into the character of public ones4 ,every name must be approved by the committee on invitations1 who always hold a special meeting for the purpose1 so that no matter how willing a certain careless member would be to include ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,unsuitable1 she is powerless to send them tickets if they are not approved of4 ,as a matter of fact there is rarely any question of withholding invitations1 since a serious objection would have to be sustained against one to warrant such an action on the part of the committee4 ,number of ,invitations ,issued ,with fifty members1 each might perhaps be allowed1 besides her own ticket1 two ladies' invitations and four gentlemen's4 ,that would make three hundred and fifty invitations available altogether4 ,the founders can of course decide on whatever number they choose4 ,patronesses can also exchange tickets4 ,one who might want to ask a double number of guests to the ,first ,assembly can arrange with another to exchange her ,second ,assembly invitations for ,first ones4 ,also it often happens that the entire list sent in by a member has already been included1 and not wanting to use her tickets1 she gives them to another member who may have a dbutante daughter and therefore be in need of extra ones4 ,bachelor ,balls 7like the ,monday ,germans of ,baltimore7 are run by the gentlemen instead of the ladies4 ,otherwise they are the same as the ,assemblies4 ,other ,forms of ,subscription ,dances ,other forms are somewhat different in that instead of dividing the expenses between members who jointly issue invitations to few or many guests1 the committee of ten1 we will say1 invites either all the men who are supposed to be eligible or all the young girls1 to subscribe to a certain number of tickets4 ,for instance1 dances known usually as ,junior ,assemblies or the ,holiday ,dances are organized by a group of ladies--the mothers1 usually1 of dbutantes4 ,the members of the organization are elected just as the others are1 for life4 ,but they are apt after a few years1 when their daughters are too old1 to resign in favor of others whose daughters are beginning to be grown4 ,the dbutantes of highest social position are invited to become members4 ,each one pays dues and has the privilege of asking two men to each dance4 ,mothers are not expected to go to these dances unless they are themselves patronesses4 ,sometimes young women go to these dances until they marry2 often they are for dbutantes1 but most often they are for girls the year before they come out1 and for boys who are in college4 ,patronesses ,receive ,at a subscription dance where patronesses take the place of a hostess1 about four of these ladies are especially selected by the ball committee to receive4 ,they always stand in line and bow to each person who is announced1 but do not shake hands4 ,the guest arriving also bows to the hostesses collectively 7not four times74 ,a lady1 for instance1 is announced3 she takes a few steps toward the receiving line and makes a slight courtesy2 the ladies receiving make a courtesy in unison1 and the guest passes on4 ,a gentleman bows ceremoniously1 the way he was taught in dancing school1 and the ladies receiving incline their heads4 ,,chapter ,,xviii ,,the ,d,,butante ,,how ,a ,,young ,,girl ,,is ,,presented ,,to ,,society ,any one of various entertainments may be given to present a young girl to society4 ,the favorite and most elaborate of these1 but possible only to parents of considerable wealth and wide social acquaintance1 is a ball4 ,much less elaborate1 but equal in size1 and second in favor to-day1 is an afternoon tea with dancing4 ,third1 and gaining in popularity1 is a small dance1 which presents the dbutante to the younger set and a few of her mother's intimate friends4 ,fourth1 is a small tea without music4 ,fifth1 the mere sending out of the mother's visiting card with the daughter's name engraved below her own1 announces to the world that the daughter is eligible for invitations4 ,a ,,ball ,,for ,a ,d,,butante ,a ball for a dbutante differs in nothing from all other balls excepting that the dbutante receives standing beside the hostess1 and furthest from the entrance1 whether that happens to be on the latter's right or left4 ,the guests as they mount the stairs or enter the ballroom and are announced1 approach the hostess first1 who1 as she shakes hands with each1 turns to the dbutante and says ,mrs4 ,worldly1 my daughter4 ,or ,cynthia1 ,i want to present you to ,mrs4 ,worldly4 7,want to is used on this occasion because may ,i is too formal for a mother to say to her child47 ,a friend would probably know the daughter2 in any event the mother's introduction would be1 ,you remember ,cynthia1 don't you8 ,each arriving guest always shakes hands with the dbutante as well as with the hostess1 and if there is a queue of people coming at the same time1 there is no need of saying anything beyond ,how do you do8 and passing on as quickly as possible4 ,if there are no others entering at the moment1 each guest makes a few pleasant remarks4 ,a stranger1 for instance1 would perhaps comment on how lovely1 and many1 the dbutante's bouquets are1 or express a hope that she will enjoy her winter1 or talk for a moment or two about the gaiety of the season or the lack of balls1 or anything that shows polite interest in the young girl's first glimpse of society4 ,a friend of her mother might perhaps say ,you look too lovely1 ,cynthia dear1 and your dress is enchanting6 ,personal compliments1 however1 are proper only from a close friend4 ,no acquaintance1 unless she is quite old1 should ever make personal remarks4 ,an old lady or gentleman might very forgivably say ,you don't mind1 my dear1 if ,i tell you how sweet ,i think you look1 or ,what a pretty frock you have on4 ,but it is bad taste for a young woman to say to another ,what a handsome dress you have on6 and worst of all to add ,where did you get it8 ,the young girl's particular friends are1 of course1 apt to tell her that her dress is wonderful1 or more likely1 simply divine4 ,it is customary in most cities to send a dbutante a bouquet at her coming out party4 ,they may be bouquets really1 or baskets1 or other decorative flowers1 and are sent by relatives1 friends of the family1 her father's business associates1 as well as by young men admirers4 ,these bouquets are always banked near and if possible1 around the place the dbutante stands to receive4 ,if she has great quantities1 they are placed about the room wherever they look most effective4 ,the dbutante usually holds one of the bouquets while receiving1 but she should remember that her choice of this particular one among the many sent her is somewhat pointed to the giver1 so that unless she is willing to acknowledge one particular beau as best it is wiser to carry one sent by her father1 or brother1 especially if either send her one of the tiny #ahcj bouquets that have been for a year or two in fashion1 and are no weight to hold4 ,these bouquets are about as big around as an ordinary saucer1 and just as flat on top as a saucer placed upside down4 ,the flowers chosen are rosebuds or other compact flowers1 massed tightly together1 and arranged in a precise pattern2 for instance1 three or four pink rosebuds are put in the center1 around them a row of white violets1 around these a single row of the pink roses1 surrounded again by violets1 and so on for four or five rows4 ,the bouquet is then set in stiff white lace paper1 manufactured for the purpose1 the stems wrapped in white satin ribbon1 with streamers of white and pink ribbons about a quarter of an inch wide and tied to hang twenty inches or so long4 ,the colors and patterns in which these little bouquets may be made are unlimited4 ,,the ,d,,butante ,,receives ,at a ball1 where the guests begin coming about half past ten1 the dbutante must stand beside the hostess and receive until at least twelve o'clock--later if guests still continue to arrive4 ,at all coming-out parties1 the dbutante invites a few of her best girl friends to receive with her4 ,whether the party is in the afternoon or evening1 these young girls wear evening dresses and come early and stay late4 ,their being asked to receive is a form of expression merely1 as they never stand in line1 and other than wearing pretty clothes and thus adding to the picture1 they have no duties whatsoever4 ,,at ,,supper ,the dbutante goes to supper with a partner who has surely spoken for the privilege weeks or even months beforehand4 ,but the rest of her own table is always made up by herself2 that is1 it includes the young girls who are her most intimate friends1 and their supper partners4 ,her table is usually in the center of the dining-room1 but1 there is no especial decoration to distinguish it1 except that it is often somewhat larger than the other tables surrounding it1 and a footman or waiter is detailed to tell any who may attempt to take it1 that it is reserved4 ,after supper the dbutante has no duties and is free to enjoy herself4 ,the afternoon tea with dancing is described in the chapter on ,teas and needs no further comment1 since its etiquette is precisely the same as that for a ball4 ,the dbutante's bouquets are arranged as effectively as possible1 and she receives with her mother1 or whoever the hostess may be1 until the queue of arriving guests thins out1 after which she need be occupied with nothing but her own good time1 and that of her friends4 ,those of smaller means1 or those who object to hotel rooms1 ask only younger people1 and give the tea in their own house4 ,where there are two rooms on a floor--drawing-room in front1 dining-room back1 and a library on the floor above1 the guests are received in the drawing-room1 but whether they dance in the dining-room or up in the library1 depends upon which room is the larger4 ,in either case the furniture is moved out4 ,if possible the smallest room should be used to receive in1 the largest to dance in1 and the tea-table should be set in the medium one4 ,,how ,,many ,,guests ,,may ,,one ,,ask8 ,a hostess should never try to pack her house beyond the limits of its capacity4 ,this question of how many invitations may safely be sent out is one which each hostess must answer for herself1 since beyond a few obvious generalities no one can very well advise her4 ,taking a hostess of average social position1 who is bringing out a daughter of average attractiveness and popularity1 it would be safe to say that every dbutante and younger man asked to a party of any kind where there is dancing1 will accept1 but that not more than from half to one-third of the older people asked will put in an appearance4 ,,lavish ,,parties ,,giving ,,way ,,to ,,simple ,,ones ,a ball1 by the way1 is always a general entertainment1 meaning that invitations are sent to the entire dinner list--not only actual but potential--of the host and hostess1 as well as to the younger people who are either themselves friends of the dbutante1 or daughters and sons of the friends1 and acquaintances of the hostess4 ,a dance differs from a ball in that it is smaller1 less elaborate and its invitations are limited to the contemporaries of the dbutante1 or at most the youngest married set4 ,invitations to a tea are even more general and should include a hostess' entire visiting list1 irrespective of age or even personal acquaintance4 ,the old-fashioned visiting list of the young hostess included the entire list of her mother1 plus that of her mother-in-law1 to which was added all the names acquired in her own social life4 ,it can easily be seen that this list became a formidable volume by the time her daughter was old enough to come out1 and yet this entire list was supposed to be included in all general invitations6 ,in the present day1 however1 at least in ,new ,york1 there is a growing tendency to eliminate these general or impersonal invitations4 ,in smartest society1 it is not even considered necessary that a general entertainment be given to introduce a daughter4 ,in ,new ,york last winter there were scarcely a dozen private balls all told4 ,many of the most fashionable 7and richest7 hostesses gave dances limited to young girls of their daughters' ages and young dancing men4 ,even at many of the teas-with-dancing none but young people were asked4 ,anyone who likes to sit on the bank and watch the tides of fashion rise and fall1 cannot fail to notice that big and lavish entertainments are dwindling1 and small and informal ones increasing4 ,it is equally apparent1 contrary to popular opinion1 that extravagance of expenditure is growing less and less4 ,it is years since any one has given such a ball1 for instance1 as the ,venetian fte the ,gildings gave to bring out their eldest daughter1 when the entire first floor of the ,fitz-,cherry was turned into a replica of ,venice--canals1 gondolas1 and all4 ,or the ,persian ball of the ,vanstyles where the whole house was hung1 as a background for ,oriental costumes1 with copper-gold draperies1 against which stood at intervals ,maxfield ,parrish cypress trees4 ,or the moonlight dance of the ,worldlys which was not a fancy dress one1 but for which the ballroom was turned into a garden scene1 lighted by simulated moonlight that would have added to the renown of ,belasco4 ,such entertainments as these seem almost out of key with the attitude of to-day4 ,for although fancy-dress and elaborate parties are occasionally given1 they are not usually given for dbutantes1 nor on the scale of those mentioned above4 ,,the ,d,,butante',s ,,dress ,at a ball1 the dbutante wears her very prettiest ball dress4 ,old-fashioned sentiment prefers that it be white1 and of some diaphanous material1 such as net or gauze or lace4 ,it ought not to look overelaborate1 even though it is spangled with silver or crystal or is made of sheer lace4 ,it should suggest something light and airy and gay and1 above all1 young4 ,for a young girl to whom white is unbecoming1 a color is perfectly suitable as long as it is a pale shade4 ,she should not wear strong colors such as red1 or ,yale blue1 and on no account black6 ,her mother1 of course1 wears as handsome a ball dress as possible1 and all her jewels4 ,at an afternoon tea the dbutante wears an evening dress--a very simple evening dress1 but an evening dress all the same4 ,usually a very pale color1 and quite untrimmed1 such as she might wear at home for dinner4 ,her mother wears an afternoon dress1 not an evening one4 ,both mother and daughter wear long gloves1 and neither they1 nor the young girls receiving1 wear hats4 ,to describe the details of clothes is futile4 ,almost before this page comes from the printer1 the trend may quite likely change4 ,but the tendency of the moment is toward greater simplicity--in effect at all events4 ,,in ,,confidence ,,to ,a ,d,,butante ,let us pretend a worldly old godmother is speaking1 and let us suppose that you are a young girl on the evening of your coming-out ball4 ,you are excited1 of course you are6 ,it is your evening1 and you are a sort of little princess6 ,there is music1 and there are lights1 and there are flowers everywhere--a great ballroom massed with them1 tables heaped with bouquets--all for you6 ,you have on an especially beautiful dress--one that was selected from among many others1 just because it seemed to you the prettiest4 ,even your mother and married sister who1 en grande tenue1 have always seemed to you dazzling figures1 have for the moment become1 for all their brocades and jewels1 merely background2 and you alone are the center of the picture4 ,up the wide staircase come throngs of fashionables--who mean the world4 ,they are coming on purpose to bow to you6 ,you can't help feeling that the glittering dresses1 the tiaras1 the ropes of pearls and chains of diamonds of the dowagers1 the stiff white shirt-fronts and boutonnires and perfectly fitting coats of the older gentlemen1 as well as the best clothes of all the younger people1 were all put on for you4 ,you shake hands and smile sweetly to a number of older ladies and shake hands with an equal number of gentlemen1 all very politely and properly4 ,then suddenly1 half way up the stairs you see ,betty and ,anne and ,fred and ,ollie4 ,of course your attention is drawn to them4 ,you are vaguely conscious that the butler is shouting some stupid name you never heard of--that you don't care in the least about4 ,your mother's voice is saying ,mrs4 zzzzzz----1 ,impatiently you give your hand to someone--you haven't the slightest idea who it is4 ,so far as your interest is concerned1 you might as well be brushing away annoying flies4 ,your smiles are directed to ,betty and ,anne4 ,as they reach the top of the stairs you dart forward and enter into an excited conversation1 deliberately overlooking a lady and gentleman who1 without trying further to attract your attention1 pass on4 ,later in the winter you will perhaps wonder why you alone among your friends are never asked to ,great ,estates4 ,the lady and gentleman of whom you are so rudely unaware1 happen to be ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,worldly1 and you have entirely forgotten that you are a hostess1 and furthermore that you have the whole evening1 beginning at supper1 when you can talk to these friends of yours6 ,you can dance with ,fred and ,ollie and ,jimmy all the rest of the evening2 you can spend most of your time with them for the rest of your life if you and they choose4 ,but when you are out in public1 above all at a party which is for you1 your duty in commonest civility is to overcome your impulses1 and behave as a grown-up person--and a well-bred grown-up person at that6 ,it takes scarcely more than ten seconds to listen to the name that is said to you1 to look directly and attentively at the one to whom the name belongs1 to put out your hand firmly as you would take hold of something you like1 7not something that you feel an aversion to71 and with a smile say ,how do you do4 ,at your ball your mother says ,mrs4 ,worldly1 my daughter4 ,you look directly at ,mrs4 ,worldly1 put out your hand1 say ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,worldly4 ,and she passes on4 ,it takes no longer to be cordial and attentive than to be distrait and casual and rude1 yet the impression made in a few seconds of actual time may easily gain or lose a friend for life4 ,when no other guests are arriving1 you can chatter to your own friends as much as you like1 but as you turn to greet another stranger1 you must show pleasure1 not annoyance1 in giving him your attention4 ,a happy attitude to cultivate is to think in your own mind that new people are all packages in a grab-bag1 and that you can never tell what any of them may prove to be until you know what is inside the outer wrappings of casual appearances4 ,to be sure1 the old woman of the fairy tale1 who turns out to be a fairy in disguise1 is not often met with in real life1 but neither is her approximate counterpart an impossibility4 ,as those who have sent you flowers approach1 you must thank them2 you must also write later an additional note of thanks to older people4 ,but to your family or your own intimate friends1 the verbal thanks--if not too casually made--are sufficient4 ,a ,,few ,,don',,ts ,,for ,d,,butantes ,don't think that because you have a pretty face1 you need neither brains nor manners4 ,don't think that you can be rude to anyone and escape being disliked for it4 ,whispering is always rude4 ,whispering and giggling at the same time have no place in good society4 ,everything that shows lack of courtesy toward others is rude4 ,if you would be thought a person of refinement1 don't nudge or pat or finger people4 ,don't hold hands or walk arm-about-waist in public4 ,never put your hand on a man1 except in dancing and in taking his arm if he is usher at a wedding or your partner for dinner or supper4 ,don't allow anyone to paw you4 ,don't hang on anyone for support1 and don't stand or walk with your chest held in1 and your hips forward1 in imitation of a reversed letter ,s4 ,don't walk across a ballroom floor swinging your arms4 ,don't talk or laugh loud enough to attract attention1 and on no account force yourself to laugh4 ,nothing is flatter than laughter that is lacking in mirth4 ,if you only laugh because something is irresistibly funny1 the chances are your laugh will be irresistible too4 ,in the same way a smile should be spontaneous1 because you feel happy and pleasant2 nothing has less allure than a mechanical grimace1 as though you were trying to imitate a tooth-paste advertisement4 ,,where ,,are ,,the ,,belles ,,of ,,yesterday8 ,in olden days and until a comparatively short while ago1 a young girl's social success was invariably measured by her popularity in a ballroom4 ,it was the girl who had the most partners1 who least frequently sat against the wall1 who carried home the greatest quantity of the baubles known as favors1 who was that evening's and usually the season's belle4 ,but to-day although ballroom popularity is still important as a test by which a young girl's success is measured1 it is by no means the beginning and end that it used to be4 ,as repeated several times in this book1 the day of the belle is past2 beaux belong to the past too4 ,to-day is the day of woman's equality with man1 and if in proving her equality she has come down from a pedestal1 her pedestal was perhaps a theatrical property at best and not to be compared for solid satisfaction with the level ground of the entirely real position she now occupies4 ,a girl's popularity in a ballroom is of importance to be sure1 but not greatly more so than the dancing popularity of a youth4 ,there was a time when wall-flowers went to balls night after night where they either sat beside a chaperon or spent the evening in the dressing-room in tears4 ,to-day a young girl who finds she is not a ballroom success avoids ballrooms and seeks her success otherwhere4 ,she does not sit in a corner and hope against hope that her luck will turn and that ,prince ,charming will surely some evening discover her4 ,she sizes up the situation exactly as a boy might size up his own chances to make the crew or the football team4 ,,to-,,day',s ,,specialists ,,in ,,success ,the girl of to-day soon discovers1 if she does not know it already1 that to be a ballroom belle it is necessary first of all to dance really well4 ,a girl may be as beautiful as a young ,diana or as fascinating as ,circe1 but if she is heavy or steps on her first partner's toes1 never again will he ask her to dance4 ,and the news spreads in an instant4 ,the girl of to-day therefore knows she must learn to dance well1 which is difficult1 since dancers are born1 not made2 or she must go to balls for supper only1 or not go to balls at all1 unless--she plays a really good game of bridge6 ,in which case1 her chances for popularity at the bridge tables1 which are at all balls to-day1 are quite as good as though she were a young ,pavlowa in the ballroom4 ,or perhaps she skates1 or hunts1 or plays a wonderful game of tennis or golf1 each one of which opens a vista leading to popularity1 and the possibilities for a good time which was after all the mainspring of old-fashioned ballroom success4 ,and since the day of femininity that is purely ornamental and utterly useless is gone by1 it is the girl who does things well who finds life full of interests and of friends and of happiness4 ,the old idea also has passed that measures a girl's popular success by the number of trousered figures around her4 ,it is quality1 not quantity1 that counts2 and the girl who surrounds herself with indiscriminate and possibly cheap youths does not excite the envy but the derision of beholders4 ,to the highest type of young girl to-day it makes very little difference whether1 in the inevitable group in which she is perpetually to be found1 there are more men than girls or the opposite4 ,this does not mean that human nature has changed--scarcely6 ,there always are and doubtless always will be any number of women to whom admiration and flirtation is the very breath of their nostrils1 who love to parade a beau just as they love to parade a new dress4 ,but the tendencies of the time do not encourage the flirtatious attitude4 ,it is not considered a triumph to have many love affairs1 but rather an evidence of stupidity and bad taste4 ,,frankness ,,of ,,to-,,day ,a young man playing tennis with a young girl a generation ago would have been forced patiently to toss her gentle balls and keep his boredom to himself1 or he would have held her chin in his hand1 while he himself stood shivering for hours in three feet of water1 and tried his best to disguise his opinion as to the hopelessness of her ever learning to swim4 ,to-day he would frankly tell her she had better play tennis for a year or two with a marker or struggle at swimming by herself1 and any sensible girl would take that advice6 ,,for ,,what ,,she ,,really ,,is ,instead of depending upon beauty1 upon sex-appeal1 the young girl who is the success of to-day depends chiefly upon her actual character and disposition4 ,it is not even so necessary to do something well as to refrain from doing things badly4 ,if she is not good at sports1 or games1 or dancing1 then she must find out what she is good at and do that6 ,if she is good for nothing but to look in the glass and put rouge on her lips and powder her nose and pat her hair1 life is going to be a pretty dreary affair4 ,in other days beauty was worshiped for itself alone1 and it has votaries of sorts to-day4 ,but the best type of modern youth does not care for beauty1 as his father did2 in fact1 he doesn't care a bit for it1 if it has nothing to go with it1 any more than he cares for butter with no bread to spread it on4 ,beauty and wit1 and heart1 and other qualifications or attributes is another matter altogether4 ,a gift of more value than beauty1 is charm1 which in a measure is another word for sympathy1 or the power to put yourself in the place of others2 to be interested in whatever interests them1 so as to be pleasing to them1 if possible1 but not to occupy your thoughts in futilely wondering what they think about you4 ,would you know the secret of popularity8 ,it is unconsciousness of self1 altruistic interest1 and inward kindliness1 outwardly expressed in good manners4 ,,chapter ,,xix ,,the ,,chaperon ,,and ,,other ,,conventions ,a ,,gloomy ,,word ,of course there are chaperons and chaperons6 ,but it must be said that the very word has a repellent schoolteacherish sound4 ,one pictures instinctively a humorless tyrant whose correct manner plainly reveals her true purpose1 which is to take the joy out of life4 ,that she can be--and often is--a perfectly human and sympathetic person1 whose unselfish desire is merely to smooth the path of one who is the darling of her heart1 in nothing alters the feeling of gloom that settles upon the spirit of youth at the mention of the very word chaperon4 ,,freedom ,,of ,,the ,,chaperoned ,as a matter of fact the only young girl who is really free1 is she whose chaperon is never very far away4 ,she need give conventionality very little thought1 and not bother about her ,p's and ,q's at all1 because her chaperon is always a strong and protective defense2 but a young girl who is unprotected by a chaperon is in the position precisely of an unarmed traveler walking alone among wolves--his only defense is in not attracting their notice4 ,to be sure the time has gone by when the presence of an elderly lady is indispensable to every gathering of young people4 ,young girls for whose sole benefit and protection the chaperon exists 7she does not exist for her own pleasure1 youthful opinion to the contrary notwithstanding71 have infinitely greater freedom from her surveillance than had those of other days1 and the typical chaperon is seldom seen with any but very young girls1 too young to have married friends4 ,otherwise a young married woman1 a bride perhaps scarcely out of her teens1 is1 on all ordinary occasions1 a perfectly suitable chaperon1 especially if her husband is present4 ,a very young married woman gadding about without her husband is not a proper chaperon4 ,there are also many occasions when a chaperon is unnecessary6 ,it is considered perfectly correct for a young girl to drive a motor by herself1 or take a young man with her1 if her family know and approve of him1 for any short distance in the country4 ,she may play golf1 tennis1 go to the ,country ,club1 or ,golf ,club 7if near by71 sit on the beach1 go canoeing1 ride horseback1 and take part in the normal sports and occupations of country life4 ,young girls always go to private parties of every sort without their own chaperon1 but the fact that a lady issues an invitation means that either she or another suitable chaperon will be present4 ,,the ,,best ,,chaperon ,,herself ,ethically the only chaperon is the young girl's own sense of dignity and pride2 she who has the right attributes of character needs no chaperon--ever4 ,if she is wanting in decency and proper pride1 not even ,argus could watch over her6 ,but apart from ethics1 there are the conventions to think of1 and the conventions of propriety demand that very young woman must be protected by a chaperon1 because otherwise she will be misjudged4 ,,the ,,resident ,,chaperon ,no young girl may live alone4 ,even though she has a father1 unless he devotes his entire time to her1 she must also have a resident chaperon who protects her reputation until she is married or old enough to protect it herself--which is not until she has reached a fairly advanced age1 of perhaps thirty years or over if she is alone1 or twenty-six or so if she lives in her father's house and behaves with such irreproachable circumspection that ,mrs4 ,grundy is given no chance to set tongues wagging4 ,it goes without saying that a chaperon is always a lady1 often one whose social position is better than that of her charge2 occasionally she is a social sponsor as well as a moral one4 ,her position1 if she is not a relative1 is very like that of a companion4 ,above all1 a chaperon must have dignity1 and if she is to be of any actual service1 she must be kind of heart and have intelligent sympathy and tact4 ,to have her charge not only care for her1 but be happy with her1 is the only possible way such a relationship can endure4 ,needless to say a chaperon's own conduct must be irreproachable and her knowledge of the world such as can only be gained by personal experience2 but she need not be an old lady6 ,she can perfectly well be reasonably young1 and a spinster4 ,very often the chaperon keeps the house1 but she is never called a housekeeper4 ,nor is she a secretary though she probably draws the checks and audits the bills4 ,it is by no means unusual for mothers who are either very gay or otherwise busy1 and cannot give most of their time to their grown and growing daughters1 to put them in charge of a resident chaperon4 ,often their governess--if she is a woman of the world--gives up her autocracy of the schoolroom and becomes social guardian instead4 ,,the ,,duties ,,of ,a ,,chaperon ,it is unnecessary to say that a chaperon has no right to be inquisitive or interfering unless for a very good reason4 ,if an objectionable person--meaning one who can not be considered a gentleman--is inclined to show the young girl attentions1 it is of course her duty to cut the acquaintance short at the beginning before the young girl's interest has become aroused4 ,for just such a contingency as this it is of vital importance that confidence and sympathy exist between the chaperon and her charge4 ,no modern young girl is likely to obey blindly unless she values the opinions of one in whose judgment and affection she has learned to believe4 ,,when ,,invitations ,,are ,,sent ,,out ,,by ,a ,,chaperon ,usually if a young girl is an orphan1 living with a chaperon1 a ball or formal party would be given in the name of an aunt or other near relative4 ,if her father is alive1 the invitations go out in his name of course1 and he receives with her4 ,but if it should happen that she has no near family at all1 or if her chaperon is her social sponsor1 the chaperon's name can be put on invitations4 ,for example3 ,miss ,abigail ,titherington ,miss ,rosalie ,gray will be at home on ,saturday the fifth of ,december from four until six o'clock ,the ,fitz-,cherry ,rosalie has no very near relatives and ,miss ,titherington has brought her up4 ,in sending out the invitations for a dinner 7a young girl would not be giving a formal dinner7 ,rosalie telephones her friends ,will you dine with me 7or us7 next ,monday8 or1 ,on the sixteenth8 ,it is not necessary to mention ,miss ,titherington because it is taken for granted that she will be present4 ,it is also not considered proper for a young girl ever to be alone as hostess4 ,when she invites young girls and men to her house1 ,miss ,titherington either receives them or comes into the room while they are there4 ,if the time is afternoon1 very likely she pours tea and when everyone has been helped1 she goes into another room4 ,she does not stay with them ever1 but she is never very far away4 ,the chaperon 7or a parent7 should never go to bed until the last young man has left the house4 ,it is an unforgivable breach of decorum to allow a young girl to sit up late at night with a young man--or a number of them4 ,on returning home from a party1 she must not invite or allow a man to come in for a while4 ,even her fianc must bid her good night at the door if the hour is late1 and some one ought always to sit up1 or get up1 to let her in4 ,no young girl ought to let herself in with a latch-key4 ,in old-fashioned days no lady had a latch-key4 ,and it is still fitting and proper for a servant to open the door for her4 ,a young girl may not1 even with her fianc1 lunch in a road house without a chaperon1 or go on a journey that can by any possibility last over night4 ,to go out with him in a small sail-boat sounds harmless enough1 but might result in a questionable situation if they are becalmed1 or if they are left helpless in a sudden fog4 ,the ,maine coast1 for example1 is particularly subject to fogs that often shut down without warning and no one going out on the water can tell whether he will be able to get back within a reasonable time or not4 ,a man and a girl went out from ,bar ,harbor and did not get back until next day4 ,everyone knew the fog had come in as thick as pea-soup and that it was impossible to get home2 but to the end of time her reputation will suffer for the experience4 ,a ,,few ,,precepts ,,of ,,convention ,at a dinner party given for young people in a private house1 a somewhat older sister would be a sufficient chaperon4 ,or the young hostess' mother after receiving the guests may1 if she chooses1 dine with her husband elsewhere than in the dining-room1 the parents' roof being supposedly chaperonage enough4 ,in going to tea in a college man's room1 or in a bachelor's apartment1 the proper chaperon should be a lady of fairly mature years4 ,to see two or three apparently young people going into a bachelor's quarters would be open to criticism4 ,there are many places which are unsuitable for young girls to go to whether they are chaperoned or not4 ,no well brought up young girl should be allowed to go to supper at a cabaret until she is married1 or has passed the age when very young can be applied to her4 ,,conventions ,,that ,,change ,,with ,,locality ,in ,new ,york1 for instance1 no young girl of social standing may1 without being criticized1 go alone with a man to the theater4 ,absolutely no lady 7unless middle-aged-and even then she would be defying convention7 can go to dinner or supper in a restaurant alone with a gentleman4 ,a lady1 not young1 who is staying in a very dignified hotel1 can have a gentleman dine with her4 ,but any married woman1 if her husband does not object1 may dine alone in her own home with any man she pleases or have a different one come in to tea every day in the week without being criticized4 ,a very young girl may motor around the country alone with a man1 with her father's consent1 or sit with him on the rocks by the sea or on a log in the woods2 but she must not sit with him in a restaurant4 ,all of which is about as upside down as it can very well be4 ,in a restaurant they are not only under the surveillance of many eyes1 but they can scarcely speak without being overheard1 whereas short-distance motoring1 driving1 riding1 walking or sitting on the seashore has no element of protection certainly4 ,again1 though she may not lunch with him in a restaurant1 she is sometimes 7not always7 allowed to go to a moving picture matine with him6 ,why sitting in the dark in a moving picture theater is allowed1 and the restaurant is tabu is very mysterious4 ,older girls and young married women are beginning to lunch with men they know well in some of the ,new ,york restaurants1 but not in others4 ,in many cities it would be scandalous for a young married woman to lunch with a man not her husband1 but quite all right for a young girl and man to lunch at a country club4 ,this last is reasonable because the room is undoubtedly filled with people they know--who act as potential chaperons4 ,nearly everywhere it is thought proper for them to go to a dancing club for tea1 if the club is managed by a chaperon4 ,as said above1 interpretation of what is proper shifts according to locality4 ,even in ,victorian days it was proper in ,baltimore for a young girl to go to the theater alone with a man1 and to have him see her home from a ball was not only permitted but absolutely correct4 ,,mrs4 ,,grundy ,of course every one has his own portrait of ,mrs4 ,grundy1 and some idea of the personality she shows to him2 but has any one ever tried to ferret out that disagreeable old woman's own position2 to find out where she lives and why she has nothing to do but meddle in affairs which do not concern her4 ,is she a lady8 ,one would imagine she is not4 ,one would also imagine that she lives in a solid well-repaired square brown stone house with a cupola used as a conning tower and equipped with periscope and telescope and wireless4 ,furthermore1 her house is situated on a bleak hill so that nothing impedes her view and that of her two pets1 a magpie and a jackal4 ,and the business in life of all three of them is to track down and destroy the good name of every woman who comes within range1 especially if she is young and pretty--and unchaperoned6 ,the pretty young woman living alone1 must literally follow ,cinderella's habits4 ,to be out of the house late at night or sitting up1 except to study1 are imprudences she can not allow herself4 ,if she is a widow her conduct must be above criticism1 but if she is young and pretty and divorced1 she must literally live the life of a ,puritan spinster of ,salem4 ,the magpie never leaves her window sill and the jackal sits on the doormat1 and the news of her every going out and coming in1 of every one whom she receives1 when they come1 how long they stay and at what hour they go1 is spread broadcast4 ,no unprotected woman can do the least thing that is unconventional without having ,mrs4 ,grundy shouting to everyone the worst possible things about her4 ,,the ,,bachelor ,,girl ,the bachelor girl is usually a worker2 she is generally either earning her living or studying to acquire the means of earning her living4 ,her days are therefore sure to be occupied1 and the fact that she has little time for the gaiety of life1 and that she is a worker1 puts her in a somewhat less assailable position4 ,she can on occasion go out alone with a man 7not a married one71 but the theater she goes to must be of conventional character1 and if she dines in a restaurant it is imperative that a chaperon be in the party2 and the same is true in going to supper at night4 ,no one could very well criticize her for going to the opera or a concert with a man when neither her nor his behavior hints a lack of reserve4 ,but a girl whose personal dignity is unassailable is not apt to bring censure upon herself1 even though the world judges by etiquette1 which may often be a false measure4 ,the young woman who wants really to be free from ,mrs4 ,grundy's hold on her1 must either live her own life1 caring nothing for the world's opinion or the position it offers1 or else be chaperoned4 ,,the ,,bachelor ,,host ,,and ,,the ,,chaperon ,barring the one fact that a chaperon must be on hand before young or single women guests arrive1 and that she may not leave until after those whom she has chaperoned have left1 there is no difference whatsoever in an entertainment given at the house of a bachelor and one given by a hostess4 ,a bachelor can give dinners or theater parties or yachting parties or house parties or any parties that a hostess can give4 ,it is unnecessary to say no lady may dine alone in a gentleman's rooms1 or house2 nor may she dine with a number of gentlemen 7unless one of them is her husband1 in which case she is scarcely alone74 ,but it is perfectly correct for two or more ladies to dine at a gentleman's rooms if one of the ladies is elderly or the husband of one is present4 ,a bachelor entertaining in bachelor's quarters1 meaning that he has only a man servant1 must be much more punctilious1 and must arrange to have the chaperon bring any young woman guests with her1 since no young girls could be seen entering bachelor's quarters alone1 and have their good name survive4 ,if he has a large establishment1 including women servants1 and if furthermore he is a man whose own reputation is unblemished1 the chaperon may be met at his house4 ,but since it is more prudent for young women to arrive under her care1 why run the unnecessary risk of meeting ,mrs4 ,grundy's jackal on the doorstep8 ,at the house of a bachelor such as described above1 the chaperon could be a husbandless young married woman1 or in other words1 the most careless chaperon possible1 without ever giving ,mrs4 ,grundy's magpie cause for ruffling a feather4 ,but no young woman could dine or have tea1 no matter how well chaperoned1 in the rooms of a man of morally bad reputation without running a very unpleasant risk of censure4 ,a ,,bachelor',s ,,house ,,parties ,bachelors frequently have house parties at their country places4 ,a married lady whose husband is with her is always the chaperon unless the host's mother or sister may be staying--or living--in his house4 ,there is always something unusually alluring about a bachelor's entertaining4 ,especially his house parties4 ,where do all bachelors get those nice and so very respectable elderly maid servants8 ,they can't all have been their nurses6 ,and a bachelor's house has a something about it that is very comfortable but entirely different from a lady's house1 though it would be difficult to define wherein the difference lies4 ,he is perhaps more attentive than a hostess1 at least he meets his guests at the station if they come by train1 or1 if they motor to his house1 he goes out on the front steps to greet them as they drive up4 ,a possible reason why bachelors seem to make such good hosts is that only those who have a talent for it make the attempt4 ,there is never any obligation on a gentleman's part to invite ladies to stay with him1 whereas it is part of every lady's duty at least occasionally to be a hostess1 whether she has talent1 or even inclination1 for the position or not4 ,a gentleman can return the courtesies of hostesses to him by occasionally sending flowers1 or books1 or candy1 and by showing them polite attention when he meets them out4 ,if a bachelor lives in a house of his own1 especially in a country community1 he is under the same obligations as any other householder to return the hospitality shown by his neighbors to him4 ,,invitations ,the bachelor's invitations are the same as those sent out by a hostess4 ,there is absolutely no difference4 ,his butler or waitress telephones ,will ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,norman dine with ,mr4 ,bachelor on ,wednesday8 ,or he writes a note or uses the engraved dinner card4 ,in giving an informal dance it is quite correct1 according to ,new ,york fashion1 for him to write on his visiting card3 ,,hw3 ,monday ,jan4y #crd ,at #aj o'clock ,mr4 ,frederick ,bachelor ,,hw3 ,small ,dance #b ,pormanto ,place ,or an artist sends his card with his studio address and ,,hw3 ,saturday ,april #g4 at #d o'ck ,,mr4 ,,anthony ,,dauber ,,hw3 ,to hear ,tonini ,play ,park ,studio ,no invitation of a gentleman mentions that there will be a chaperon because that is taken for granted4 ,no gentleman invites ladies of position to a party unless one or many chaperons are to be present4 ,a very young girl never goes even to an unmarried doctor's or a clergyman's 7unless the latter is very elderly7 without a chaperon1 who in this instance may be a semi-elderly maid4 ,a lady having her portrait painted always takes a woman friend1 or her maid1 who sits in the studio1 or at least within sight or hearing4 ,,chapter ,,xx ,,engagements ,,courtship ,so long as ,romance exists and ,lochinvar remains young manhood's ideal1 love at first sight and marriage in a week is within the boundaries of possibility4 ,but usually 7and certainly more wisely7 a young man is for some time attentive to a young woman before dreaming of marriage4 ,thus not only have her parents plenty of time to find out what manner of man he is1 and either accept or take means to prevent a serious situation2 but the modern young woman herself is not likely to be carried away by the personality of anyone whose character and temperament she does not pretty thoroughly understand and weigh4 ,in nothing does the present time more greatly differ from the close of the last century1 than in the unreserved frankness of young women and men towards each other4 ,those who speak of the domination of sex in this day are either too young to remember1 or else have not stopped to consider1 that mystery played a far greater and more dangerous rle when sex1 like a woman's ankle1 was carefully hidden from view1 and therefore far more alluring than to-day when both are commonplace matters4 ,in cities twenty-five years ago1 a young girl had beaux who came to see her one at a time2 they in formal clothes and manners1 she in her company best to receive them1 sat stiffly in the front parlor and made politely formal conversation4 ,invariably they addressed each other as ,miss ,smith and ,mr4 ,jones1 and they talked off the top with about the same lack of reservation as the ambassador of one country may be supposed to talk to him of another4 ,a young man was said to be devoted to this young girl or that1 but as a matter of fact each was acting a rle1 he of an admirer and she of a siren1 and each was actually an utter stranger to the other4 ,,friendship ,,and ,,group ,,system ,to-day no trace of stilted artificiality remains4 ,the tte-a-tte of a quarter of a century ago has given place to the continual presence of a group4 ,a flock of young girls and a flock of young men form a little group of their own--everywhere they are together4 ,in the country they visit the same houses or they live in the same neighborhood1 they play golf in foursomes1 and tennis in mixed doubles4 ,in winter at balls they sit at the same table for supper1 they have little dances at their own homes1 where scarcely any but themselves are invited2 they play bridge1 they have tea together1 but whatever they do1 they stay in the pack4 ,in more than one way this group habit is excellent2 young women and men are friends in a degree of natural and entirely platonic intimacy undreamed of in their parents' youth4 ,having the habit therefore of knowing her men friends well1 a young girl is not going to imagine a stranger1 no matter how perfect he may appear to be1 anything but an ordinary human man after all4 ,and in finding out his bad points as well as his good1 she is aided and abetted1 encouraged or held in check1 by the members of the group to which she belongs4 ,suppose1 for instance1 that a stranger becomes attentive to ,mary2 immediately her friends fix their attention upon him1 watching him4 ,twenty-five years ago the young men would have looked upon him with jealousy1 and the young women would have sought to annex him4 ,to-day their attitude is3 ,is he good enough for ,mary8 ,and1 eagle-eyed1 protective of ,mary1 they watch him4 ,if they think he is all right he becomes a member of the group4 ,it may develop that ,mary and he care nothing for each other1 and he may fall in love with another member1 or he may drift out of the group again or he may stay in it and ,mary herself marry out of it4 ,but if he is not liked1 her friends will not be bashful about telling ,mary exactly what they think1 and they will find means usually--unless their prejudice is without foundation--to break up the budding friendship far better than any older person could do4 ,if she is really in love with him and determined to marry in spite of their frankly given opinion1 she at least makes her decision with her eyes open4 ,there are also occasions when a young woman is persuaded by her parents into making a suitable marriage2 there are occasions when a young woman persists in making a marriage in opposition to her parents2 but usually a young man either belongs in or joins her particular circle of intimate friends1 and one day1 it may be to their own surprize1 though seldom to that of their intimates1 they find that each is the only one in the world for the other1 and they become engaged4 ,,first ,,duty ,,of ,,the ,,accepted ,,suitor ,if a young man and his parents are very close friends it is more than likely he will already have told them of the seriousness of his intentions4 ,very possibly he has asked his father's financial assistance1 or at least discussed ways and means1 but as soon as he and she have definitely made up their minds that they want to marry each other1 it is the immediate duty of the man to go to the girl's father or her guardian1 and ask his consent4 ,if her father refuses1 the engagement cannot exist4 ,the man must then try1 through work or other proof of stability and seriousness1 to win the father's approval4 ,failing in that1 the young woman is faced with dismissing him or marrying in opposition to her parents4 ,there are1 of course1 unreasonable and obdurate parents1 but it is needless to point out that a young woman assumes a very great risk who takes her future into her own hands and elopes4 ,but even so1 there is no excuse for the most unfilial act of all--deception4 ,the honorable young woman who has made up her mind to marry in spite of her parents' disapproval1 announces to them1 if she can1 that on such and such a day her wedding will take place4 ,if this is impossible1 she at least refuses to give her word that she will not marry4 ,the height of dishonor is to give her word and then break it4 ,,the ,,approved ,,engagement ,usually1 however1 when the young man enters the study or office of her father1 the latter has a perfectly good idea of what he has come to say and1 having allowed his attentions1 is probably willing to accept his daughter's choice2 and the former after announcing that the daughter has accepted him1 goes into details as to his financial standing and prospects4 ,if the finances are not sufficiently stable1 the father may tell him to wait for a certain length of time before considering himself engaged1 or if they are satisfactory to him1 he makes no objection to an immediate announcement4 ,in either case1 the man probably hurries to tell the young woman what her father has said1 and if he has been very frequently at the house1 very likely they both tell her mother and her immediate family1 or1 more likely still1 she has told her mother first of all4 ,,his ,,parents ,,call ,,on ,,hers ,as soon as the young woman's father accepts the engagement1 etiquette demands that the parents of the bridegroom-elect call at once 7within twenty-four hours7 upon the parents of the bride-to-be4 ,if illness or absence prevents one of them1 the other must go alone4 ,if the young man is an orphan1 his uncle1 aunt or other nearest relative should go in the parents' place4 ,not even deep mourning can excuse the failure to observe this formality4 ,,the ,,engagement ,,ring ,it is doubtful if he who carries a solitaire ring enclosed in a little square box and produces it from his pocket upon the instant that she says ,yes1 exists outside of the moving pictures6 ,as a matter of fact1 the accepted suitor usually consults his betrothed's taste--which of course may be gratified or greatly modified1 according to the length of his purse--or he may1 without consulting her1 buy what ring he chooses4 ,a solitaire diamond is the conventional emblem of the singleness and endurability of the one love in his life1 and the stone is supposed to be pure and flawless as the bride herself1 and their future together--or sentiments equally beautiful4 ,there is also sentiment for a sapphire's depth of true blue4 ,pearls are supposed to mean tears2 emeralds1 jealousy2 opals1 the essence of bad luck2 but the ruby stands for warmth and ardor3 all of which it is needless to say is purest unfounded superstition4 ,in the present day1 precious stones having soared far out of reach of all but the really rich1 fashion rather prefers a large semi-precious one to a microscopic diamond4 ,fashion1 however1 is merely momentary and local1 and the great majority will probably always consider a diamond the only ring to have4 ,it is not obligatory1 or even customary1 for the girl to give the man an engagement present1 but there is no impropriety in her doing so if she wants to1 and any of the following articles would be suitable3 ,a pair of cuff links1 or waistcoat buttons1 or a watch chain1 or a key chain1 or a cigarette case4 ,probably because the giving of an engagement ring is his particular province1 she very rarely gives him a ring or1 in fact1 any present at all4 ,the engagement ring is worn for the first time in public on the day of the announcement4 ,,before ,,announcement ,usually a few days before the formal announcement--and still earlier for letters written abroad or to distant ,states--both young people write to their aunts1 uncles1 and cousins1 and to their most intimate friends1 of their engagement1 asking them not to tell anyone until the determined date4 ,as soon as they receive the news1 all the relatives of the groom-elect must call on the bride4 ,she is not welcomed by the family until their cards1 left upon her in person1 assure her so4 ,she must1 of course1 return all of these visits1 and as soon as possible4 ,if his people are in the habit of entertaining1 they should very soon ask her with her fianc to lunch or to dinner1 or after the engagement is publicly announced1 give a dinner or tea or dance in her honor4 ,if1 on the other hand1 they are very quiet people1 their calling upon her is sufficient in itself to show their welcome4 ,in case of a recent death in either immediate family1 the engagement cannot be publicly announced until the first period of mourning is past4 7,it is entirely dignified for a private wedding to take place at the bedside of a very ill parent1 or soon after a deep bereavement4 ,in that case there is1 of course1 no celebration1 and the service is read in the presence of the immediate families only47 ,the announcement is invariably made by the parents of the bride-elect4 ,it is a breach of etiquette for a member of the young man's family to tell of the engagement until the formal announcement has been arranged for4 ,,announcement ,,of ,,engagement ,on the evening before the day of the announcement1 the bride's mother either sends a note1 or has some one call the various daily papers by telephone1 and says3 ,i am speaking for ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith are announcing the engagement of their daughter1 ,mary1 to ,mr4 ,james ,smartlington1 son of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,arthur ,brown ,smartlington1 of #bjjj ,arcade ,avenue4 ,if either the ,huntington ,smiths or the ,arthur ,smartlingtons are socially prominent1 reporters will be sent to get further information4 ,photographs and details1 such as entertainments to be given1 or plans for the wedding1 will probably be asked for4 ,the prejudices of old-fashioned people against giving personal news to papers is rapidly being overcome and not even the most conservative any longer object to a dignified statement of facts1 such as ,mrs4 ,smith's telephone message4 ,it is now considered entirely good form to give photographs to magazines and newspapers1 but one should never send them unless specially requested4 ,on the eve of the announcement1 a dinner is sometimes given by the young girl's parents1 and the news is told by her father1 who at about salad course or dessert1 proposes the health of his daughter and future son-in-law4 ,,how ,a ,,health ,,is ,,proposed ,the host after directing that all glasses at the table be filled1 rises1 lifts his own glass and says3 ,i propose we drink to the health of my daughter ,mary and the young man she has decided to add permanently to our family1 ,james ,smartlington4 ,or3 ,a standing toast3 ,to my ,mary and to her--,jim6 ,or3 ,i want you to drink the happiness of a young pair whose future welfare is close to the hearts of all of us3 ,mary 7holding up his glass and looking at her7 and ,jim6 7holding it up again and looking at him74 ,every one except ,mary and ,jim rises and drinks a swallow or two 7of whatever the champagne substitute may be74 ,every one then congratulates the young couple1 and ,jim is called upon for a speech6 ,generally rather fussed1 ,jim rises and says something like3 ,i--er--we--thank you all very much indeed for all your good wishes1 and sits down4 ,or if he is an earnest rather than a shy youth1 perhaps he continues3 ,i don't have to tell you how lucky ,i am1 the thing for me to do is to prove1 if ,i can1 that ,mary has not made the mistake of her life in choosing me1 and ,i hope that it won't be very long before we see you all at our own table with ,mary at the head of it and ,i1 where ,i belong1 at the foot4 ,or3 ,i can't make a speech and you know it4 ,but ,i certainly am lucky and ,i know it4 ,,when ,,no ,,speech ,,is ,,made ,the prevailing custom in ,new ,york and other big cities is for the party to be given on the afternoon or evening of the day of announcement4 ,the engagement in this case is never proclaimed to the guests as an assembled audience4 ,the news is out and everyone is supposed to have heard it4 ,those who have not1 can not long remain ignorant1 as the groom-elect is either receiving with his fiance or brought forward by her father and presented to every one he does not know4 ,everybody congratulates him and offers the bride-to-be good wishes for her happiness4 ,a dinner or other entertainment given to announce an engagement is by no means necessary4 ,quiet people very often merely write notes of announcement and say they will be at home on such an afternoon at tea time4 ,the form and detail are exactly the same as on an habitual day at home except that the bride and groom-elect both receive as well as her mother4 ,,parties ,,for ,,the ,,engaged ,,couple ,if the families and friends of the young couple are at all in the habit of entertaining1 the announcement of an engagement is the signal always for a shower of invitations4 ,the parents of the groom-elect are sure to give a dance1 or a party of one kind or another to meet their daughter-to-be4 ,if the engagement is a short one1 their life becomes a veritable dashing from this house to that1 and every meal they eat seems to be one given for them by some one4 ,it is not uncommon for a bride-elect to receive a few engagement presents4 7,these are entirely apart from wedding presents which come later47 ,a small afternoon teacup and saucer used to be the typical engagement gift1 but it has gone rather out of vogue1 along with harlequin china in general4 ,engagement presents are usually personal trifles sent either by her own very intimate friends or by members of her fianc's family as especial messages of welcome to hers--and as such are very charming4 ,but any general fashion that necessitates giving engagement as well as wedding presents may well be looked upon with alarm by those who have only moderately filled pocketbooks6 ,,engaged ,,couple ,,in ,,public ,there is said to be still preserved somewhere in ,massachusetts a whispering reed through the long hollow length of which lovers were wont to whisper messages of tenderness to each other while separated by a room's length and the inevitable chaperonage of the fiance's entire family4 ,from those days to these is a far cry1 but even in this era of liberty and naturalness of impulse1 running the gauntlet of people's attention and criticism is no small test of the good taste and sense of a young couple4 ,the hall-mark of so-called vulgar people is unrestricted display of uncontrolled emotions4 ,no one should ever be made to feel like withdrawing in embarrassment from the over-exposed privacy of others4 ,the shrew who publicly berates her husband is no worse than the engaged pair who snuggle in public4 ,every one supposes that lovers kiss each other1 but people of good taste wince at being forced to play audience at love scenes which should be private4 ,furthermore1 such cuddling gives little evidence of the deeper caring--no matter how ardent the demonstration may be4 ,great love is seldom flaunted in public1 though it very often shows itself in pride--that is a little obvious1 perhaps4 ,there is a quality of protectiveness in a man's expression as it falls on his betrothed1 as though she were so lovely a breath might break her2 and in the eyes of a girl whose love is really deep1 there is always evidence of that most beautiful look of championship1 as though she thought3 ,no one else can possibly know how wonderful he is6 ,this underlying tenderness and pride which is at the base of the attitude of each1 only glints beneath the surface of perfect comradeship4 ,their frank approval of whatever the other may do or say is very charming2 and even more so is their obvious friendliness toward all people1 of wanting the whole world beautiful for all because it is so beautiful to them4 ,that is love--as it should be6 ,and its evidence is a very sure sign-post pointing to future happiness4 ,,etiquette ,,of ,,engaged ,,people ,it is unnecessary to say that an engaged man shows no attention whatever to other women4 ,it should be plain to every one1 even though he need not behave like a moon-calf1 that one is alone in his thoughts4 ,often it so happens that engaged people are very little together1 because he is away at work1 or for other reasons4 ,rather than sit home alone1 she may continue to go out in society1 which is quite all right1 but she must avoid being with any one man more than another and she should remain visibly within the general circle of her group4 ,it always gives gossip a chance to see an engaged girl sitting out dances with any particular man1 and slander is never far away if any evidence of ardor creeps into their regard1 even if it be merely manner1 and actually mean nothing at all4 ,,in ,,the ,,backwaters ,,of ,,long ,,engagement ,unless the engaged couple are both so young1 or by temperament so irresponsible1 that their parents think it best for them to wait until time is given a chance to prove the stability of their affection1 no one can honestly advocate a long-delayed marriage4 ,where there is no money1 it is necessary to wait for better finances4 ,but the old argument that a long engagement was wise in that the young couple were given opportunity to know each other better1 has little sense to-day when all young people know each other thoroughly well4 ,a long engagement is trying to everyone--the man1 the girl1 both families1 and all friends4 ,it is an unnatural state1 like that of waiting at the station for a train1 and in a measure it is time wasted4 ,the minds of the two most concerned are centered upon each other2 to them life seems to consist in saying the inevitable good-by4 ,her family think her absent-minded1 distrait1 aloof and generally useless4 ,his family never see him4 ,their friends are bored to death with them--not that they are really less devoted or loyal1 but her men friends withdraw1 naturally refraining from breaking in4 ,he has no time between business and going to see her to stop at his club or wherever friends of his may be4 ,her girl friends do see her in the daytime1 but gradually they meet less and less because their interests and hers no longer focus in common4 ,gradually the stream of the social world goes rushing on1 leaving the two who are absorbed in each other to drift forgotten in a backwater4 ,he works harder1 perhaps1 than ever1 and she perhaps occupies herself in making things for her trousseau or her house1 or otherwise preparing for the more contented days which seem so long in coming4 ,once they are married1 they no longer belong in a backwater1 but find themselves again sailing in midstream4 ,it may be on a slow-moving current1 it may be on a swift1--but their barge sails in common with all other craft on the river of life4 ,should a ,long ,engagement ,be ,announced8 ,whether to announce an engagement that must be of long duration is not a matter of etiquette but of personal preference4 ,on the general principle that frankness is always better than secretiveness1 the situation is usually cleared by announcing it4 ,on the other hand1 as illustrated above1 the certain knowledge of two persons' absorption in each other always creates a marooned situation4 ,when it is only supposed1 but not known1 that a man and girl particularly like each other1 their segregation is not nearly so marked4 ,,meeting ,,of ,,kinsmen ,at some time before the wedding1 it is customary for the two families to meet each other4 ,that is1 the parents of the groom dine or lunch at the house of the parents of the bride to meet the aunts1 uncles and cousins4 ,and then the parents of the bride are asked with the same purpose to the house of the groom-elect4 ,it is not necessary that any intimacy ensue1 but it is considered fitting and proper that all the members of the families which are to be allied should be given an opportunity to know one another--at least by sight4 ,,the ,,engaged ,,couple ,,and ,,the ,,chaperon ,the question of a chaperon differs with locality4 ,in ,philadelphia and ,baltimore1 custom permits any young girl to go alone with a young man approved by her family to the theater1 or to be seen home from a party4 ,in ,new ,york or ,boston1 ,mrs4 ,grundy would hold up her hands and run to the neighbors at once with the gossip4 ,it is perhaps sufficient to say that if a man is thought worthy to be accepted by a father as his daughter's husband1 he should also be considered worthy of trust no matter where he finds himself alone with her4 ,it is not good form for an engaged couple to dine together in a restaurant1 but it is all right for them to lunch1 or have afternoon tea2 and few people would criticize their being at the opera or the theater--unless the performance at the latter was of questionable propriety4 ,they should take a chaperon if they motor to road-houses for meals--and it goes without saying that they cannot go on a journey alone that can possibly last over night4 ,,gifts ,,which ,,may ,,and ,,those ,,which ,,may ,,not ,,be ,,accepted ,the fiance of a young man who is saving in order to marry1 would be lacking in taste as well as good sense were she to encourage or allow him extravagantly to send her flowers and other charming1 but wasteful1 presents4 ,but on the other hand1 if the bridegroom-elect has plenty of means1 she may not only accept flowers but anything he chooses to select1 except wearing apparel or a motor car or a house and furniture--anything that can be classified as maintenance4 ,it is perfectly suitable for her to drive his car1 or ride his horse1 and she may select furniture for their house1 which he may buy or have built4 ,but1 if she would keep her self-respect1 the car must not become hers nor must she live in the house or use its furniture until she is given his name4 ,he may give her all the jewels he can afford1 he may give her a fur scarf1 but not a fur coat4 ,the scarf is an ornament1 the coat is wearing apparel4 ,if she is very poor1 she may have to be married in cheese-cloth1 or even in the dress she wears usually1 but her wedding dress and the clothes she wears away1 must not be supplied by the groom or his family4 ,there is one exception3 if his mother1 for instance1 has some very wonderful family lace1 or has kept her own wedding dress and has no daughter herself1 and it would please her to have her son's wife wear her lace or dress1 it is proper for the bride to consent4 ,but it would be starting life on a false basis1 and putting herself in a category with women of another class1 to be clothed by any man1 whether he is soon to be her husband or not4 ,if the engagement should be so unfortunate as to be broken off1 the engagement ring and all other gifts of value must be returned4 ,,chapter ,,xxi ,,first ,,preparations ,,before ,a ,,wedding ,to begin with1 before deciding the date of the wedding1 the bride's mother must find out definitely on which day the clergyman who is to perform the ceremony is disengaged1 and make sure that the church is bespoken for no other service4 ,if it is to be an important wedding1 she must also see that the time available for the church is also convenient to the caterer4 ,sundays1 and days in ,lent1 are not chosen for weddings1 and ,friday being a fast day in ,catholic and very high ,episcopal churches1 weddings on that day1 if not forbidden1 are never encouraged4 ,but the superstition that ,friday and the month of ,may are unlucky1 is too stupid to discuss4 ,having settled upon a day and hour1 the next step is to decide the number of guests that can be provided for1 which is determined by the size of the church and the house1 and the type of reception intended4 ,,the ,,invitations ,the bride-elect and her mother then go to the stationer and decide details1 such as size and texture of paper and style of engraving1 for the invitations4 ,the order is given at once for the engraving of all the necessary plates1 and probably for the full number of house invitations1 especially if to a sit-down breakfast where the guests are limited4 ,there are also ordered a moderate number of general church invitations or announcements1 which can be increased later when the lists are completed and the definite number of guests more accurately known4 ,,her ,,mother ,,consults ,,his ,,mother ,the bride's mother then consults with the groom1 or more likely1 with his mother1 as to how the house-list is to be divided between them4 ,this never means a completely doubled list1 because1 if the two families live in the same city1 many names are sure to be in duplicate4 ,if the groom's people live in another place1 invitations to the house can be liberally sent1 as the proportion of guests who will take a long trip seldom go beyond those of the immediate family and such close friends as would be asked to the smallest of receptions4 ,usually if ,mrs4 ,smith tells ,mrs4 ,smartlington that two hundred can be included at the breakfast1 ,mrs4 ,smith and ,mrs4 ,smartlington will each make a list of one hundred and fifty1 certain that one hundred will be in duplicate4 ,invitations to a big church wedding are always sent to the entire visiting list1 and often the business acquaintances of both families1 no matter how long the combined number may be1 or whether they can by any chance be present or not4 ,even people in deep mourning are included as well as those who live thousands of miles away1 as the invitations not merely proffer hospitality but are messengers carrying the news of the marriage4 ,after a house wedding1 or a private ceremony where invitations were limited to relatives and closest personal friends of the young couple1 general announcements are sent out to the entire visiting list4 ,,how ,,the ,,wedding ,,list ,,is ,,compiled ,those who keep their visiting list in order have comparatively little work4 ,but those who are not in the habit of entertaining on a general scale1 and yet have a large unassorted visiting list1 will have quite a piece of work ahead of them1 and cannot begin making it soon enough4 ,in the cities where a ,social ,register or other ,visiting ,book is published1 people of social prominence find it easiest to read it through1 marking ,,xx in front of the names to be asked to the house1 and another mark1 such as a dash1 in front of those to be asked to the church only1 or to have announcements sent them4 ,other names which do not appear in the printed list may be written as thought of at the top or bottom of pages4 ,in country places and smaller cities1 or where a published list is not available1 or of sufficient use1 the best assistant is the telephone book4 ,list-making should be done over as long a period and for as short sessions as possible1 in order that each name as it is read may bring to memory any other that is similar4 ,long reading at a time robs the repetition of names of all sense1 so that nothing is easier than to pass over the name of a friend without noticing it4 ,a word of warning3 ,to leave out old friends because they are neither rich nor fashionable and to include comparative strangers because they are of great social importance1 not alone shows a want of loyalty and proper feeling1 but is to invite the contempt of those very ones whom such snobbery seeks to propitiate4 ,four lists1 therefore1 are combined in sending out wedding invitations2 the bride and the groom make one each of their own friends1 to which is added the visiting list of the bride's family 7made out by her mother1 or other near relative7 and the visiting list of the groom's family made out by his mother1 or a relative4 ,each name is clearly marked1 of course1 whether for house or church invitation4 ,when the four lists are completed1 it is the duty of some one to arrange them into a single one by whatever method seems most expedient4 ,when lists are very long1 the compiling is usually done by a professional secretary1 who also addresses the envelopes1 encloses the proper number of cards1 and seals1 stamps and posts the invitations4 ,the address of a professional secretary can always be furnished by the stationer4 ,very often1 especially where lists do not run into inordinate length1 the envelopes are addressed and the invitations sent out by the bride herself and some of her friends who volunteer to help her4 ,,the ,,most ,,elaborate ,,wedding ,,possible ,this is the huge wedding of the daughter of ultra rich and prominent people in a city such as ,new ,york1 or1 more probably1 a high-noon wedding out of town4 ,the details would in either case he the same1 except that the country setting makes necessary the additional provision of a special train which takes the guests to a station where they are met by dozens of motors and driven to the church4 ,later they are driven to the house1 and later again1 to the returning special train4 ,otherwise1 whether in the city or the country1 the church 7if ,protestant7 is decorated with masses of flowers in some such elaborateness as standards1 or arches1 or hanging garlands in the church itself1 as well as the floral embellishment of the chancel4 ,the service is conducted by a bishop or other distinguished clergyman1 with assistant clergymen1 and accompanied by a full choral service1 possibly with the addition of a celebrated opera soloist4 ,the costumes of the bride and her maids are chosen with painstaking attention to perfection1 and with seeming disregard of cost4 ,later1 at the house1 there is not only a floral bower under which the bridal couple receive1 but every room has been turned into a veritable woodland or garden1 so massed are the plants and flowers4 ,an orchestra--or two1 so that the playing may be without intermission--is hidden behind palms in the hall or wherever is most convenient4 ,a huge canopied platform is built on the lawn or added to the veranda 7or built out over the yard of a city house71 and is decorated to look like an enclosed formal garden4 ,it is packed with small tables1 each seating four1 six1 or eight1 as the occasion may require4 ,,the ,,average ,,fashionable ,,wedding ,the more usual fashionable wedding is merely a modification of the one outlined above4 ,the chancel of the church is decorated exactly the same1 but except in summer when garden flowers are used1 there is very little attempted in the body of the church other than sprays of flowers at the ends of the ten to twenty reserved pews1 or possibly only at the ends of the first two pews and the two that mark the beginning of the ribboned section4 ,there is often a choral service and a distinguished officiating clergyman4 ,the costumes of bride and bridesmaids are usually the same in effect1 though they may be less lavish in detail4 ,the real difference begins at the breakfast1 where probably a hundred guests are invited1 or two hundred at most1 instead of from five hundred to a thousand1 and except for the canopied background against which the bride and groom receive1 there is very little floral decoration of the house4 ,if a tent is built1 it is left as it is--a tent--with perhaps some standard trees at intervals to give it a decorated appearance4 ,the tables1 even that of the bride1 their garniture1 the service1 and the food are all precisely the same1 the difference being in the smaller number of guests provided for4 ,a ,,small ,,wedding ,a small wedding is merely a further modification of the two preceding ones4 ,let us suppose it is a house wedding in a moderate-sized house4 ,a prayer bench has been placed at the end of the drawing-room or living-room4 ,back of it is a screen or bower of palms or other greens4 ,one decoration thus serves for chancel and background at the reception4 ,a number of small tables in the dining-room may seat perhaps twenty or even fifty guests1 besides the bride's table placed in another room4 ,if the bride has no attendants1 she and the groom choose a few close friends to sit at the table with them4 ,or1 at a smaller wedding1 there is a private marriage in a little chapel1 or the clergyman reads the service at the house of the bride in the presence of her parents and his and a small handful of guests1 who all sit down afterwards at one table for a wedding breakfast4 ,or there may be a greater number of guests and a simpler collation1 such as a stand-up afternoon tea1 where the refreshments are sandwiches1 cakes1 tea and chocolate4 ,,breach ,,of ,,etiquette ,,for ,,groom ,,to ,,give ,,wedding ,no matter whether a wedding is to be large or tiny1 there is one unalterable rule3 the reception must be either at the house of the bride's parents or grandparents or other relative of hers1 or else in assembly rooms rented by her family4 ,never under any circumstances should a wedding reception be given at the house of the groom's family4 ,they may give a ball or as many entertainments of whatever description they choose for the young couple after they are married1 but the wedding breakfast and the trousseau of the bride must be furnished by her own side of the house6 ,when a poor girl marries1 her wedding must be in keeping with the means of her parents4 ,it is not only inadvisable for them to attempt expenditure beyond what they can afford1 but they would lay themselves open to far greater criticism through inappropriate lavishness1 than through meagerness of arrangement--which need not by any means lack charm because inexpensive4 ,,wedding ,,of ,a ,,cinderella ,some years ago there was a wedding when a girl who was poor married a man who was rich and who would gladly have given her anything she chose1 the beauty of which will be remembered always by every witness in spite of1 or maybe because of1 its utter lack of costliness4 ,it was in ,june in the country4 ,the invitations were by word of mouth to neighbors and personal notes to the groom's relatives at a distance4 ,the village church was decorated by the bride1 her younger sisters1 and some neighbors1 with dogwood1 than which nothing is more bridelike or beautiful4 ,the shabbiness of her father's little cottage was smothered with flowers and branches cut in a neighboring wood4 ,her dress1 made by herself1 was of tarlatan covered with a layer or two of tulle1 and her veil was of tulle fastened with a spray1 as was her girdle1 of natural bridal wreath and laurel leaves4 ,her bouquet was of trailing bridal wreath and white lilacs4 ,she was very young1 and divinely beautiful1 and fresh and sweet4 ,the tulle for her dress and veil and her thin silk stockings and white satin slippers represented the entire outlay of any importance for her costume4 ,a little sister in smock of pink sateen and a wreath and tight bouquet of pink laurel clusters1 toddled after her and held her bouquet--after first laying her own on the floor6 ,the collation was as simple as the dresses of the bride and bridesmaid4 ,a home-made wedding cake1 professionally iced and big enough for every one to take home a thick slice in waxed paper piled near for the purpose1 and a white wine cup1 were the most pretentious offerings4 ,otherwise there were sandwiches1 hot biscuits1 cocoa1 tea and coffee1 scrambled eggs and bacon1 ice cream and cookies1 and the music was a victrola1 loaned for the occasion4 ,the bride's going away dress was of brown ,holland linen and her hat a plain little affair as simple as her dress2 again her only expenditure was on shoes1 stockings and gloves4 ,later on1 she had all the clothes that money could buy1 but in none of them was she ever more lovely than in her fashionless wedding dress of tarlatan and tulle1 and the plain little frock in which she drove away4 ,nor are any of the big parties that she gives to-day more enjoyable1 though perfect in their way1 than her wedding on a ,june day1 a number of years ago4 ,,the ,,wedding ,,hour ,the fashionable wedding hour in ,new ,york is either noon1 or else in the afternoon at three1 three-thirty or four o'clock1 with the reception always a half hour later4 ,high noon1 which means that the breakfast is at one o'clock1 and four o'clock in the afternoon1 with the reception at half after1 are the conventional hours4 ,,the ,,evening ,,wedding ,in ,san ,francisco and generally throughout the ,west altogether smart weddings are celebrated at nine o'clock in the evening4 ,the details are precisely the same as those of morning or afternoon4 ,the bride and bridesmaids wear dresses that are perhaps more elaborate and evening in model1 and the bridegroom as well as all men present wear evening clothes1 of course4 ,if the ceremony is in a church1 the women should wear wraps and an ornament or light scarf of some sort over their hair1 as ball dresses are certainly not suitable1 besides which church regulations forbid the uncovering of women's heads in consecrated places of worship4 ,,the ,,morning ,,wedding ,to some1 nine o'clock in the morning may sound rather eccentric for a wedding1 but to people of the ,atlantic ,coast it is not a bit more so than an evening hour--less so1 if anything1 because morning is unconventional anyway and etiquette1 never being very strong at that hour1 is not defied1 but merely left quiescent4 ,if1 for any reason1 such as taking an early morning train or ship--an early morning wedding might be a good suggestion4 ,the bride should1 of course1 not wear satin and lace2 she could wear organdie 7let us hope the nine o'clock wedding is in summer671 or she could wear very simple white crpe de chine4 ,her attendants could wear the simplest sort of morning dresses with garden hats2 the groom a sack suit or flannels4 ,and the breakfast--really breakfast--could consist of scrambled eggs and bacon and toast and coffee--and griddle cakes6 ,the above is not written in ridicule2 the hour would be unusual1 but a simple early morning wedding where every one is dressed in morning clothes1 and where the breakfast suggests the first meal of the day--could be perfectly adorable6 ,the evening wedding on the other hand1 lays itself open to criticism because it is a function--a function is formal1 and the formal is always strictly in the province of that austere and inflexible lawmaker1 ,etiquette4 ,and ,etiquette at this moment says3 ,weddings on the ,atlantic seaboard are celebrated not later than four-thirty o'clock in the afternoon6 ,,wedding ,,presents ,and now let us return to the more particular details of the wedding of our especial bride4 ,the invitations are mailed about three weeks before the wedding4 ,as soon as they are out1 the presents to the bride begin coming in1 and she should enter each one carefully in her gift book4 ,there are many published for the purpose1 but an ordinary blank book1 nicely bound1 as she will probably want to keep it1 about eight to ten inches square1 will answer every purpose4 ,the usual model spreads across the double page1 as follows3 ,present ,date of received ,sender's ,where thanks date ,article ,sent by ,address ,bought written ,may #bj ,silver ,dish ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,white #a ,elinore ,place ,tiffany's ,may #bj ,may #ba #ab ,plates ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,green #b ,north ,street ,collamore's ,may #ba ,all gifts as they arrive should be put in a certain room1 or part of a room1 and never moved away until the description is carefully entered4 ,it will be found a great help to put down the addresses of donors as well as their names so that the bride may not have to waste an unnecessary moment of the overcrowded time which must be spent at her desk4 ,,the ,,bride',s ,,thanks ,the bride who is happy in receiving a great number of presents spends every spare moment in writing her notes of thanks1 which must always be written by her personally4 ,telephoning won't do at all1 and neither will a verbal ,thank you so much1 as she meets people here and there4 ,she must write a separate letter for each present--a by no means small undertaking6 ,a bride of this year whose presents1 because of her family's great prominence1 ran far into the hundreds1 never went to bed a single night before her wedding until a note of thanks was checked against every present received that day4 ,to those who offered to help her through her overwhelming task1 she1 who is supposed to be very spoiled1 answered3 ,if people are kind enough to go out and buy a present for me1 ,i think the least ,i can do is to write at once and thank them4 ,that her effort was appreciated was evident by everyone's commenting on her prompt and charming notes4 ,notes of thanks can be very short1 but they should be written with as little delay as possible4 ,when a present is sent by a married couple1 the bride writes to the wife and thanks both3 ,thank you for the lovely present you and ,mr4 ,jones sent me4 ,,arranging ,,the ,,presents ,not so much in an effort to parade her possessions as to do justice to the kindness of the many people who have sent them1 a bride should show her appreciation of their gifts by placing each one in the position of greatest advantage4 ,naturally1 all people's tastes are not equally pleasing to the taste of the bride--nor are all pocketbooks equally filled4 ,very valuable presents are better put in close contrast with others of like quality--or others entirely different in character4 ,colors should be carefully grouped4 ,two presents1 both lovely in themselves1 can be made completely destructive to each other if the colors are allowed to clash4 ,usually china is put on one table1 silver on another1 glass on another1 laces and linens on another4 ,but pieces that jar together must be separated as far apart as possible and perhaps even moved to other surroundings4 ,a crudely designed piece of silverware should not be left among beautiful examples1 but be put among china ornaments1 or other articles that do not reveal its lack of fineness by too direct comparison4 ,for the same reason imitation lace should not be put next to real1 nor stone-ware next to ,chinese porcelain4 ,to group duplicates is another unfortunate arrangement4 ,eighteen pairs of pepper pots or fourteen sauce-boats in a row might as well be labeled3 ,look at this stupidity6 ,what can she do with all of us8 ,they are sure to make the givers feel at least a little chagrined at their choice4 ,,cards ,,with ,,presents ,when ,mrs4 ,smith orders a present sent to a bride1 she encloses a card reading3 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,john ,huntington ,smith4 ,nearly every married woman has a plate engraved with both names1 but if she hasn't1 then she encloses ,mr4 ,smith's card with hers4 ,some people write ,all good wishes or ,with best wishes1 but most people send cards without messages4 ,,delayed ,,presents ,if because of illness or absence1 a present is not sent until after the wedding1 a short note should accompany it1 giving the reason for the delay4 ,,when ,,the ,,presents ,,are ,,shown ,there is absolutely no impropriety in showing the presents at the wedding reception4 ,they are always shown at country weddings1 and1 more often than not1 at the most fashionable town houses4 ,the only reason for not showing them1 is lack of room in an apartment house4 ,in a town house1 an up-stairs library1 or even a bedroom1 from which all the furniture has been removed1 is suitable4 ,tables covered with white damask 7plain7 tablecloths are put like counters around the sides1 and down the center of the room4 ,the cards that were sent with the gifts are sometimes removed1 but there is no impropriety in leaving them on1 and it certainly saves members of the family from repeating many times who sent this one1 and who sent that6 ,if the house is small so that there is no room available for this display at the wedding1 the presents are shown on the day before1 and intimate friends are especially asked to come in for tea1 and to view them4 ,this is not done if they are to be displayed at the wedding4 ,very intimate friends seldom need to be asked2 the chances are they will come in often1 to see what has come since they were in last6 ,wedding presents are all sent to the bride1 and are1 according to law1 her personal property4 ,articles are marked with her present--not her future--initials4 ,mary ,smith who is going to marry ,jim ,smartlington is fortunate as ,m4,s4 stands for her future as well as her present name4 ,but in the case of ,muriel ,jones who is to marry ,ross1 not a piece of linen or silver in ,ross house will be marked otherwise than ,m4,j4 ,it is one of the most senseless customs3 all her life which will be as ,muriel ,ross1 she uses linen and silver marked with a ,j4 ,later on many people who go to her house--especially as ,ross comes from ,california where she will naturally be living--will not know what ,j stands for1 and many even imagine that the linen and plate have been acquired at auction6 ,sounds impossible8 ,it has happened more than once4 ,occasional brides who dislike the confusing initials1 especially ask that presents be marked with their marriage name4 ,the groom receives few presents4 ,even those who care about him in particular and have never met his bride1 send their present to her1 unless they send two presents1 one in courtesy to her and one in affection to him4 ,occasionally some one does send the groom a present1 addressed to him and sent to his house4 ,rather often friends of the groom pick out things particularly suitable for him1 such as cigar or cigarette boxes1 or rather masculine looking desk sets1 etc41 which are sent to her but are obviously intended for his use4 ,,exchanging ,,wedding ,,presents ,some people think it discourteous if a bride changes the present chosen for her4 ,all brides exchange some presents1 and no friends should allow their feelings to be hurt1 unless they are very close to the bride and have chosen the present with particular sentiment4 ,a bride never changes the presents chosen for her by her or the groom's family--unless especially told that she may do so4 ,but to keep twenty-two salt cellars and sixteen silver trays when she has no pepper-pots or coffee spoons or platters or vegetable dishes1 would be putting sentiment above sense4 ,,the ,,trousseau ,a trousseau1 according to the derivation of the word1 was a little trusse or bundle that the bride carried with her to the house of her husband4 ,in modern times1 the little bundle often requires the services of a van to transport4 ,the wrappers and underclothes of a young girl are usually very simple1 but when she is to be a bride1 her mother buys her1 as lavishly as she can1 and of the prettiest possible assortment of lace trimmed lingerie1 tea gowns1 bed sacques and caps1 whatever may be thought especially becoming4 ,the various undress garments which are to be worn in her room or at the breakfast table1 and for the sole admiration of her husband1 are of far greater importance than the dresses and hats to be worn in public4 ,in ,europe it is the custom to begin collecting linen for a girl's trousseau as soon as she is born1 but the ,american bride cares nothing for dozens upon dozens of stout linen articles4 ,she much prefers gossamer texture lavishly embellished with equally perishable lace4 ,everything must be bought for beauty2 utility is not considered at all4 ,no stout hand-woven underwear trimmed with solidly stitched needlework6 ,modern ,miss ,millions demands handkerchief linen and ,valenciennes lace of a quality that used to be put as trimming on a ball gown1 and ,miss ,smallpurse asks for chiffon and less expensive but even more sheer and perishable laces4 ,not long ago a stocking was thought fine if it could be run through a wedding ring2 to-day no stocking is considered fit to put on for town or evening wear unless several together can slip through the measure once the test for one4 ,,the ,,most ,,extravagant ,,trousseau ,the most lavish trousseau imaginable for the daughter of the very rich might be supposed to comprise3 ,house ,linen ,one to six dozen finest quality embroidered or otherwise trimmed linen sheets with large embroidered monogram4 ,one to six dozen finest quality linen sheets1 plain hemstitched1 large monogram4 ,one to six dozen finest quality linen under-sheets1 narrow hem and small monogram4 ,two pillow cases and also one little pillow case 7for small down pillow7 to match each upper sheet4 ,one to two dozen blanket covers 7these are of thin washable silk in white or in colors to match the rooms7 edged with narrow lace and breadths put together with lace insertion4 ,six to twelve blankets4 ,three to twelve wool or down-filled quilts4 ,two to ten dozen finest quality1 extra large1 face towels1 with ,venetian needlework or heavy hand-made lace insertion 7or else embroidered at each end71 and embroidered monogram4 ,five to ten dozen finest quality hemstitched and monogrammed but otherwise plain1 towels4 ,five to ten dozen little hand towels to match the large ones4 ,one to two dozen very large bath towels1 with embroidered monogram1 either white or in color to match the border of towels4 ,two to four dozen smaller towels to match4 ,one tablecloth1 six or eight yards long1 of finest but untrimmed damask with embroidered monogram on each side1 or four corners4 ,three dozen dinner napkins to match4 7,lace inserted and richly embroidered tablecloths of formal dinner size are not in the best taste47 ,one tablecloth five to six yards long with two dozen dinner napkins to match4 ,one to four dozen damask tablecloths two and a half to three yards long1 and one dozen dinner napkins to match each tablecloth4 ,all tablecloths and napkins to have embroidered monogram or initials4 ,two to six medium sized cut-work1 mosaic or ,italian lace-work tablecloths1 with lunch napkins to match4 ,two to six centerpieces1 with doilies and lunch napkins to match4 ,four to a dozen tea cloths1 of filet lace or drawn work or ,russian embroidery1 with tiny napkins to match4 ,table pieces and tea-cloths have monograms if there is any plain linen where a monogram can be embroidered1 otherwise monograms or initials are put on the napkins only4 ,one or two dozen damask tablecloths1 plain1 with monogram1 and a dozen napkins to match each4 ,in addition to the above1 there are two to four dozen servants' sheets and pillow cases 7cotton72 six to twelve woolen blankets1 six to twelve wool filled quilts1 four to six dozen towels1 and one or two dozen bath towels2 six to twelve white damask 7cotton or linen and cotton mixed7 tablecloths and six to twelve dozen napkins1 all marked with machine embroidery4 ,two to six dozen kitchen and pantry towels and dishcloths complete the list4 ,personal ,trousseau ,how many dresses can a bride wear8 ,it all depends--is she to be in a big city for the winter season1 or at a watering place for the summer8 ,is she going to travel1 or live quietly in the country8 ,it is foolish to get more outside clothes than she has immediate use for2 fashions change too radically4 ,the most extravagant list for a bride who is to go out continually in ,new ,york or ,newport1 would perhaps include a dozen evening dresses1 two or three evening wraps1 of varying weights4 ,for town there would be from two to four street costumes1 a fur coat1 another long coat1 a dozen hats and from four to ten house dresses4 ,in this day of week-ends in the country1 no trousseau1 no matter how town-bred the bride1 is complete without one or two country coats1 of fur1 leather or woolen materials2 several homespun1 tweed or tricot suits or dresses2 skirts with shirt-waists and sweaters in endless variety2 low or flat heeled shoes2 woolen or woolen and silk mixture stockings2 and sport hats4 ,if the season is to be spent out of town--even in ,newport or ,palm ,beach--the most extravagant bride will find little use for any but country clothes1 a very few frocks for ,sunday1 and possibly a lot of evening dresses4 ,of course1 if she expects to run to town a great deal for lunch1 or if she is to travel1 she chooses her clothes accordingly4 ,so much for the outer things4 ,on the subject of the under things1 which being of first importance are saved for the last1 one can dip into any of the women's magazines devoted to fashion and fashionables1 and understand at first sight that the furnishings which may be put upon the person of one young female would require a catalogue as long and as varied as a seedsman's4 ,an extravagant trousseau contains every article illustrated--and more besides--in quality never illustrated--and by the dozens6 ,but it must not for a moment be supposed that every fashionable bride has a trousseau like this--especially the household linen which requires an outlay possible only to parents who are very rich and also very indulgent4 ,,the ,,moderate ,,trousseau ,the moderate trousseau simple cuts the above list into a fraction in quantity and also in quality4 ,there is nothing of course that takes the place of the smooth fineness of really beautiful linen--it can no more be imitated than can a diamond1 and its value is scarcely less4 ,the linen of a really modest trousseau in this day of high prices must of necessity be cotton4 ,fortunately1 however1 many people dislike the chill of linen sheets1 and also prefer cotton-face towels1 because they absorb better1 and cotton is made in attractive designs and in endless variety4 ,for her personal trousseau1 a bride can have everything that is charming and becoming at comparatively little expense4 ,she who knows how to do fine sewing can make things beautiful enough for any one1 and the dress made or hat trimmed at home is often quite as pretty on a lovely face and figure as the article bought at exorbitant cost at an establishment of reputation4 ,youth seldom needs expensive embellishment4 ,certain things such as footwear and gloves have to be bought1 and are necessary4 ,the cost1 however1 can be modified by choosing dresses that one-color slippers look well with4 ,in cities such as ,new ,york1 ,washington or ,boston1 it has never been considered very good taste to make a formal display of the trousseau4 ,a bride may show an intimate friend or two a few of her things1 but her trousseau is never spread out on exhibition4 ,there can1 however1 be no objection to her so doing1 if it is the custom of the place in which she lives4 ,,what ,,the ,,bridesmaids ,,wear ,the costumes of the bridesmaids1 slippers1 stockings1 dresses1 bouquets1 gloves and hats1 are selected by the bride1 without considering or even consulting them as to their taste or preferences4 ,the bridesmaids are always dressed exactly alike as to texture of materials and model of making1 but sometimes their dresses differ in color4 ,for instance1 two of them may wear pale blue satin slips covered with blue chiffon and cream lace fichus1 and cream-colored picture hats trimmed with orchids4 ,the next two wear orchid dresses1 cream fichus1 and cream hats trimmed with pale blue hydrangeas4 ,the maid of honor likewise wears the same model1 but her dress is pink chiffon over pink satin and her cream hat is trimmed with both orchids and hydrangeas4 ,the bouquets would all be alike of orchids and hydrangeas4 ,their gloves all alike of cream-colored suede1 and their slippers1 blue1 orchid1 and pink1 with stockings to match4 ,usually the bridesmaids are all alike in color as well as outline1 and the maid of honor exactly the same but in reverse colors4 ,supposing the bridesmaids to wear pink dresses with blue sashes and pink hats trimmed in blue1 and their bouquets are of larkspur--the maid of honor wears the same dress in blue1 with pink sash1 blue hat trimmed with pink1 and carries pink roses4 ,at ,lucy ,gilding's wedding1 her bridesmaids were dressed in deep shades of burnt orange and yellow1 wood-colored slippers and stockings1 skirts that shaded from brown through orange to yellow2 yellow leghorn hats trimmed with jonquils1 and jonquil bouquets4 ,the maid of honor wore yellow running into cream1 and her hat1 the of the same shape of leghorn1 was trimmed with cream feathers1 and she carried a huge cream feather fan4 ,as in the case of the wedding dress1 it is foolish to enter into descriptions of clothes more than to indicate that they are of light and fragile materials1 more suitable to evening than to daytime4 ,flower girls and pages are dressed in quaint old-fashioned dresses and suits of satin with odd old-fashioned bonnets--or whatever the bride fancies as being especially picturesque4 ,if a bridesmaid is in mourning1 she wears colors on that one day1 as bridesmaids' dresses are looked upon as uniforms1 not individual costumes4 ,nor does she put a black band on her arm4 ,a young girl in deepest mourning should not be a bridesmaid--unless at the very private wedding of a bride or groom also in mourning4 ,in this case she would most likely be the only attendant and wear all white4 ,as a warning against the growing habit of artifice1 it may not be out of place to quote one commentary made by a man of great distinction who1 having seen nothing of the society of very young people for many years1 had to go to the wedding of a niece4 ,it was one of the biggest weddings of the spring season in ,new ,york4 ,the flowers were wonderful1 the bridesmaids were many and beautiful1 the bride lovely4 ,afterwards the family talked long about the wedding1 but the distinguished uncle said nothing4 ,finally1 he was asked point blank3 ,don't you think the wedding was too lovely8 ,weren't the bridesmaids beautiful8 ,no1 said the uncle1 ,i did not think it was lovely at all4 ,every one of the bridesmaids was so powdered and painted that there was not a sweet or fresh face among them--,i can see a procession just like them any evening on the musical comedy stage6 ,one expects make-up in a theater1 but in the house of ,god it is shocking6 ,it is unnecessary to add--if youth1 the most beautiful thing in the world1 would only appreciate how beautiful it is1 and how opposite is the false bloom that comes in boxes and bottles6 ,shiny noses1 colorless lips1 sallow skins hide as best they may1 and with some excuse1 behind powder or lip-stick2 but to rouge a rose--6 ,,the ,,cost ,,of ,,being ,a ,,bridesmaid ,with the exception of parasols1 or muffs or fans1 which are occasionally carried in place of bouquets and presented by the bride1 every article worn by the bridesmaids1 flower girls or pages1 although chosen by the bride1 must be paid for by the wearers4 ,it is perhaps an irrefutable condemnation of the modern wedding display that many a young girl has had to refuse the joy of being in the wedding party because a complete bridesmaid outfit costs a sum that parents of moderate means are quite unable to meet for popular daughters4 ,and it is seldom that the bride is herself in a position to give six or eight complete costumes1 much as she may want all of her most particular friends with her on her day of days4 ,very often a bride tries especially to choose clothes that will not be expensive1 but ,new ,york prices are ,new ,york prices1 and the chic which is to make the wedding a perfect picture is the thing of all others that has to be paid for4 ,even though one particular girl may be able to dress herself very smartly in homemade clothes of her own design and making1 those same clothes duplicated eight times seldom turn out well4 ,why this is so1 is a mystery4 ,when a girl looks smart in inferior clothes1 the merit is in her1 not in the clothes--and in a group of six or eight1 five or seven will show a lack of finish1 and the tender-hearted bride who1 for the sake of their purses sends her bridesmaids to an average little woman to have their clothes made1 and to a little hat-place around the corner1 is apt to have a rather dowdy little flock fluttering down the aisle in front of her4 ,,how ,,many ,,bridesmaids8 ,this question is answered by3 ,how many friends has she whom she has always promised to have with her on that day8 ,has she a large circle of intimates or only one or two8 ,her sister is always maid of honor2 if she has no sister1 she chooses her most intimate friend4 ,a bride may have a veritable procession3 eight or ten bridesmaids1 a maid of honor1 flower girls and pages4 ,that is1 if she follows the ,english custom1 where every younger relative even including the little boys as pages1 seems always to be brought into a perfect ,may-pole procession of ragged ages and sizes4 ,or she may have none at all4 ,she almost always has at least one maid1 or matron1 of honor1 as the picture of her father standing holding her bouquet and stooping over to adjust the fall of her dress1 would be difficult to witness with gravity4 ,at an average ,new ,york wedding1 there are four or six bridesmaids--half of the maids may be matrons1 if most of the bride's group of friends have married before her4 ,it is1 however1 not suitable to have young married women as bridesmaids1 and then have an unmarried girl as maid of honor4 ,,best ,,man ,,and ,,ushers ,the bridegroom always has a best man--his brother if he has one1 or his best friend4 ,the number of his ushers is in proportion to the size of the church and the number of guests invited4 ,at a house wedding1 ushers are often merely honorary and he may have many or none--according to the number of his friends4 ,as ushers and bridesmaids are chosen only from close friends of the bride and groom1 it is scarcely necessary to suggest how to word the asking6 ,usually they are told that they are expected to serve at the time the engagement is announced1 or at any time as they happen to meet4 ,if school or college friends who live at a distance are among the number1 letters are necessary4 ,such as3 ,mary and ,i are to be married on the tenth of ,november1 and1 of course1 you are to be an usher4 ,usually he adds3 ,my dinner is to be on the seventh at eight o'clock at ----1 naming the club or restaurant4 ,it is unheard of for a man to refuse--unless a bridegroom1 for snobbish reasons1 asks some one who is not really a friend at all4 ,,bride',s ,,usher ,,and ,,groom',s ,,bridesmaid ,a brother of the bride1 or if she has no brother1 then her favorite cousin is always asked by the groom to be usher out of compliment to her4 ,the bride returns the compliment by asking the sister of the groom who is nearest her own age1 to be bridesmaid1 or if he has no sister1 she asks a cousin or even occasionally shows her courtesy by asking the groom to name a particular friend of his4 ,the bride in asking her does not say3 ,will you be one of my bridesmaids because ,jim wants me to ask you4 ,if the bridesmaid is not a particular friend of the bride1 she knows perfectly that it is on ,jim's account that she has been asked4 ,it is the same with the bride's usher4 ,the groom merely asks him as he asks all of the others4 ,when a foreigner marries an ,american girl1 his own friends being too distant to serve1 the ushers are chosen from among the friends of the bride4 ,,bridegroom ,,has ,,no ,,trousseau ,a whole outfit of new clothes is never considered necessary for a bridegroom1 but shabby ones are scarcely appropriate4 ,whatever his wardrobe may stand in need of should be bought1 if possible4 ,he should have1 not necessarily new1 plenty of good shirts of all kinds1 handkerchiefs1 underwear1 pajamas1 socks1 ties1 gloves1 etc41 and a certain number of fresh1 or as good as new1 suits of clothes4 ,there was a wedding not long ago which caused quite a lot of derisive comment because the groom's mother provided him with a complete and elaborate trousseau from ,london1 enormous trunks full of every sort of raiment imaginable4 ,that part of it all was very nice2 her mistake was in inviting a group of friends in to see the finery4 ,the son was so mortified by this publicity that he appeared at the wedding in clothes conspicuously shabby1 in order to counteract the ,mama's-darling-little-newly-wed effect that the publicity of her generous outlay had produced4 ,it is proper and fitting for a groom to have as many new clothes as he needs1 or pleases1 or is able to get--but they are never shown to indiscriminate audiences1 they are not featured1 and he does not go about looking dressed up4 ,,the ,,wedding ,,clothes ,,of ,,the ,,bridegroom ,if he does not already possess a well fitting morning coat 7often called a cutaway7 he must order one for his wedding4 ,the frock coat is out of fashion at the moment4 ,he must also have dark striped gray trousers4 ,at many smart weddings1 especially in the spring1 a groom 7also his best man7 wears a white piqu high double-breasted waistcoat1 because the more white that can be got into an otherwise sombre costume the more wedding-like it looks2 conventionally he wears a black one to match his coat1 like the ushers4 ,the white edge to a black waistcoat is not1 at present1 very good form4 ,as to his tie1 he may choose an ,ascot of black and white or gray patterned silk4 ,or he may wear a four-in-hand matching those selected for the ushers1 of black silk with a narrow single1 or broken white stripe at narrow or wide intervals4 ,at one of the ultra smart weddings in ,new ,york last spring1 after the ,london fashion1 the groom and all the men of the wedding party wore bow ties of black silk with small white dots4 ,white buckskin gloves are the smartest1 but gray suede are the most conventional4 ,white kid is worn only in the evening4 ,it is even becoming the fashion for ushers at small country weddings not to wear gloves at all6 ,but at every wedding1 great or small1 city or country1 etiquette demands that the groom1 best man1 and ushers1 all wear high silk hats1 and that the groom carry a walking stick4 ,very particular grooms have the soles of their shoes blacked with water-proof shoe polish so that when they kneel1 their shoes look dark and neat4 ,,what ,,the ,,best ,,man ,,wears ,the best man wears precisely what the groom wears1 with only one small exception3 the groom's boutonnire is slightly different and more elaborate4 ,the groom and best man often wear ties that are different from those worn by the ushers1 and occasionally white waistcoats4 ,otherwise the two principal men are dressed like the ushers4 ,,what ,,the ,,ushers ,,wear ,it is of greatest importance that in dress each usher be an exact counterpart of his fellows1 if the picture is to be perfect4 ,everyone knows what a ragged-edged appearance is produced by a company of recruits whose uniforms are odd lots4 ,an after-effect of army training was evident at one or two smart ,new ,york weddings where the grooms were in each case ex-officers and their ushers turned out in military uniformity4 ,each of these grooms sent typewritten instructions to his ushers1 covering every detail of the equipment exacted4 ,few people may have reasoned why1 but scarcely any one failed to notice what smart looking men all the ushers were4 ,it is always just such attention to detail that produces a perfectly finished result4 ,the directions sent by one of the grooms was as follows3 ,wedding rehearsal on ,tuesday1 ,st4 ,bartholomew's at #e ,p4,m4 ,wedding on ,wednesday at #d ,p4,m4 ,please wear3 ,black calfskin low shoes4 ,plain black silk socks4 ,gray striped trousers 7the darkest you have74 ,morning coat and single-breasted black waistcoat4 ,white dress shirt 7see that cuffs show three-quarters of an inch below coat sleeves74 ,stand-up wing collar4 ,tie and gloves are enclosed4 ,boutonnire will be at the church4 ,be at the church yourself at three o'clock1 sharp4 ,,the ,,head ,,usher ,usually there is no head usher1 but in certain localities courtesy designates the usher who is selected to take the bride's mother up the aisle as the head1 or first usher4 ,very occasionally1 too1 a nervous groom appoints an especially reliable friend head usher so as to be sure that all details will be carried out--including the prompt and proper appearance at the church of the other ushers4 ,usually1 the ushers divide the arrangements among themselves4 ,the groom decides who goes on which aisle4 ,one of them volunteers or is asked to look out for the bride's coming and to notify the groom1 another is especially detailed to take the two mothers up the aisle4 ,but very often this arrangement is arbitrarily decided by height4 ,if one mother is very tall and the other very short1 they generally go up with different ushers1 the tallest being chosen for the taller lady1 and one of medium height for the shorter4 ,,the ,,bridesmaids' ,,luncheon ,in many sections of ,america1 especially in the country and in small towns1 brides make an especial feature of asking their bridesmaids to a farewell luncheon4 ,the table is elaborately decorated 7invariably in pink with bridesmaids' roses71 there is a bride's cake 7lady cake7 and there are favors in the cake1 and mottoes1 and altogether it is a lovely party4 ,in ,new ,york there is nothing like that at all4 ,if the bride chooses to give a luncheon to her bridesmaids on whatever day suits her best1 there is no objection to her doing so1 or in fact1 to her inviting whom she pleases to whatever sort of a party her mother is willing she should give4 ,it is not a question of approved etiquette but of her own inclination seconded by the consent of her mother6 ,if her mother keeps open house1 probably they lunch with her many times before the wedding2 if1 on the other hand1 it is not the habit of the family to have people running in for meals1 it is not necessary that she ask them to lunch at all4 ,but whether they lunch often or never1 the chances are that they are in and out of her house every day1 looking at new presents as they come1 perhaps helping her to write the descriptions in the gift book1 and in arranging them in the room where they are to be displayed4 ,the bride usually goes to oversee the last fittings of the bridesmaids' dresses in order to be sure that they are as she wants them4 ,this final trying-on should be arranged for several days at least before the wedding1 so there may be sufficient time to make any alterations that are found necessary4 ,often the bride tries on her wedding dress at the same time so that she may see the effect of the whole wedding picture as it will be1 or if she prefers1 she tries on her dress at another hour alone4 ,usually her bridesmaids lunch quite informally with her1 or come in for tea1 the day before the wedding1 and on that day the bride gives them each her present which is always something to wear4 ,it may be the muffs they are to carry1 or parasols1 if they have been chosen instead of bouquets4 ,the typical bridesmaid's present is a bangle1 a breast pin1 a hat pin1 which1 according to the means of the bride1 may have great or scarcely any intrinsic value4 ,,bridesmaids ,,and ,,ushers' ,,dinner ,if a wedding is being held in the country1 or where most of the bridesmaids or ushers come from a distance1 and they are therefore stopping at the bride's house1 or with her neighbors1 there is naturally a dinner in order to provide for the visitors4 ,but where the wedding is in the city--especially when all the members of the bridal party live there also--the custom of giving a dinner has gone rather out of fashion4 ,if the bridal party is asked to dine at the house of the bride on the evening before the wedding1 it is usually with the purpose of gathering a generally irresponsible group of young people together1 and seeing that they go to the church for rehearsal1 which is of all things the most important4 ,more often the rehearsal is in the afternoon1 after which the young people go to the bride's house for tea1 allowing her parents to have her to themselves on her last evening home1 and giving her a chance to go early to bed so as to be as pretty as possible on the morrow4 ,,the ,,bachelor ,,dinner ,popularly supposed to have been a frightful orgy1 and now arid as the ,sahara desert and quite as flat and dreary1 the bachelor dinner was in truth more often than not1 a sheep in wolf's clothing4 ,it is quite true that certain big clubs and restaurants had rooms especially constructed for the purpose1 with walls of stone and nothing breakable within hitting distance1 which certainly does rather suggest frightfulness4 ,as a matter of fact1 an orgy was never looked upon with favor by any but silly and wholly misguided youths1 whose idea of a howling good time was to make a howling noise2 chiefly by singing at the top of their lungs and--breaking crockery4 ,a boisterous picture1 but scarcely a vicious one6 ,especially as quantities of the cheapest glassware and crockery were always there for the purpose4 ,the breaking habit originated with drinking the bride's health and breaking the stem of the wine glass1 so that it might never serve a less honorable purpose4 ,a perfectly high-minded sentiment6 ,and this same time-honored custom is followed to this day4 ,toward the latter end of the dinner the groom rises1 and holding a filled champagne glass aloft says3 ,to the bride6 ,every man rises1 drinks the toast standing1 and then breaks the delicate stem of the glass4 ,the impulse to break more glass is natural to youth1 and probably still occurs4 ,it is not hard to understand4 ,the same impulse is seen at every county fair where enthusiastic youths 7and men7 delight in shooting1 or throwing balls1 at clay pipes and ducks and--crockery6 ,aside from toasting the bride and its glass-smashing result1 the groom's farewell dinner is exactly like any other man's dinner1 the details depending upon the extravagance or the frugality of the host1 and upon whether his particular friends are staid citizens of sober years or mere boys full of the exuberance of youth4 ,usually there is music of some sort1 or ,neapolitans or coons who sing1 or two or three instrumental pieces1 and the dinner party itself does the singing4 ,often the dinner is short and all go to the theater4 ,,gifts ,,presented ,,to ,,ushers ,the groom's presents to his ushers are always put at their places at the bachelor dinner4 ,cuff links are the most popular gift2 scarf-pins in localities where they are still fashionable4 ,silver or gold pencils1 belt buckles1 key-rings in gold1 key-chains in silver1 cigarette cases1 bill-folders1 card-cases1 or other small and personal articles are suitable4 ,the present to the best man is approximately the same1 or slightly handsomer than the gift to the ushers4 ,,the ,,rehearsal ,the bride always directs her wedding rehearsal1 but never herself takes part in it1 as it is supposed to be bad luck4 ,some one else--anyone who happens to be present--is appointed understudy4 ,nearly always a few especial friends happen in1 generally those who are primed with advice as to how everything should be done1 but the opinion of the bride or the bride's mother is final4 ,,vital ,,importance ,,of ,,rehearsal ,most of us are familiar with the wedding service1 and its form seems simple enough4 ,but1 unless one has by experience learned to take care of seemingly non-existent details1 the effect 7although few may be able to say why7 is hitchy and disjointed1 and all the effort spent in preparation is wasted4 ,it is not that gauche happenings are serious offenses1 no matter how awkward the incident4 ,even were the wedding party to get hopelessly entangled1 no crime would have been committed2 but any detail that destroys the smoothness of the general impression is fatal to dignity--and dignity is the qualification necessary above all else in ceremonial observances4 ,,how ,,the ,,procession ,,is ,,drilled ,the organist must always be at the rehearsal1 as one of the most important details is marking the time of the wedding march4 ,witnesses of most weddings can scarcely imagine that a wedding march is a march at all2 more often than not1 the heads of ushers and bridesmaids bob up and down like something boiling in a pan4 ,a perfectly drilled wedding procession1 like a military one1 should move forward in perfect step1 rising and falling in a block or unit4 ,to secure perfection of detail1 the bars of the processional may be counted so that the music comes to an end at precisely the moment the bride and groom stand side by side at the chancel steps4 ,this is not difficult2 it merely takes time and attention4 ,a wedding rehearsal should proceed as follows3 ,first of all1 it is necessary to determine the exact speed at which the march is to be played4 ,the ushers are asked to try it out4 ,they line up at the door1 walk forward two and two4 ,the audience1 consisting of the bride and her mother1 and the bridesmaids1 decides whether the pace looks well4 ,it must not be fast enough to look brisk1 or so slow as to be funereal4 ,at one wedding the ushers counted two beats as one and the pace was so slow that they all wabbled in trying to keep their balance4 ,the painfulness to everyone may be imagined4 ,on the other hand it is unsuitable to trot up the aisle of a church4 ,the audience having decided the speed1 and the organist having noted the tempo1 the entire procession1 including the bridesmaids and a substitute1 instead of the real bride1 on her father's arm1 go out into the vestibule and make their entry4 ,remember1 the father is an important factor in the ceremony1 and must take part in the rehearsal4 ,the procession is arranged according to height1 the two shortest ushers leading--unless others of nearly the same height are found to be more accurate pacemakers4 ,the bridesmaids come directly after the ushers1 two and two1 also according to height1 the shortest in the lead4 ,after the bridesmaids1 the maid 7or matron7 of honor walks alone2 flower girls come next 7if there are any7 and last of all1 the understudy bride leaning on the arm of the father1 with pages 7if she has any7 holding up her train4 ,each pair in the procession follows the two directly in front by four paces or beats of time4 ,in the vestibule1 every one in the procession must pay attention to the feet directly in front1 the pacemakers can follow the army sergeant's example and say very softly left1 left6 ,at the end the bride counts eight beats before she and the father put left foot forward4 ,the whole trick is starting2 after that they just walk naturally to the beat of the music1 but keeping the ones in front as nearly as possible at the same distance4 ,at the foot of the chancel1 the ushers divide4 ,in a small church1 the first two go up the chancel steps and stand at the top2 one on the right1 the other on the left4 ,the second two go to a step or two below the first4 ,if there are more1 they stand below again4 ,chalk marks can be made on the chancel floor if necessary1 but it ought not to be difficult1 except for very little children who are flower girls or pages1 to learn their position4 ,illustration3 ,diagram of ,church ,or in a big church they go up farther1 some of them lining the steps1 or all of them in front of the choir stalls4 ,the bridesmaids also divide1 half on either side1 and always stand in front of the ushers4 ,the maid of honor's place is on the left at the foot of the steps1 exactly opposite the best man4 ,flower girls and pages are put above or below the bridesmaids wherever it is thought the picture is best4 ,the grouping of the ushers and bridesmaids in the chancel or lining the steps also depends upon their number and the size of the church4 ,in any event1 the bridesmaids stand in front of the ushers2 half of them on the right and half on the left4 ,they never stand all on the bride's side1 and the ushers on the groom's4 ,,entrance ,,of ,,the ,,bridegroom ,the clergyman who is to perform the marriage comes into the chancel from the vestry4 ,at a few paces behind him follows the groom1 who in turn is followed by the best man4 ,the groom stops at the foot of the chancel steps and takes his place at the right1 as indicated in the accompanying diagram4 ,his best man stands directly behind him4 ,the ushers and bridesmaids always pass in front of him and take their places as noted above4 ,when the bride approaches1 the groom takes only a step to meet her4 ,a more effective greeting of the bride is possible if the door of the vestry opens into the chancel so that on following the clergyman1 the groom finds himself at the top instead of the foot of the chancel steps4 ,he goes forward to the right-hand side 7his left71 his best man behind him1 and waits where he is until his bride approaches1 when he goes down the steps to meet her--which is perhaps more gallant than to stand at the head of the aisle1 and wait for her to join him4 ,the real bride watches carefully how the pseudo bride takes her left hand from her father's arm1 shifts her fan1 or whatever represents her bouquet1 from her right hand to her left1 and gives her right hand to the groom4 ,in the proper maneuver the groom takes her right hand in his own right hand and draws it through his left arm1 at the same time turning toward the chancel4 ,if the service is undivided1 and all of it is to be at the altar1 this is necessary as the bride always goes up to the altar leaning on the arm of the groom4 ,if1 however1 the betrothal is to be read at the foot of the chancel 7which is done at most weddings now7 he may merely take her hand in his left one and stand as they are4 ,,the ,,organist',s ,,cue ,the organist stops at the moment the bride and groom have assumed their places4 ,that is the cue to the organist as to the number of bars necessary for the procession4 ,after the procession has practised marching two or three times1 everything ought to be perfect4 ,the organist1 having counted up the necessary bars of music1 can readily give the leading ushers their music cue--so that they can start on the measure that will allow the procession and the organ to end together4 ,the organist can1 and usually does1 stop off short1 but there is a better finish if the bride's giving her hand to the groom and taking the last step that brings her in front of the chancel is timed so as to fall precisely on the last bars of the processional4 ,no words of the service are ever rehearsed1 although all the positions to be taken are practised4 ,the pseudo bride takes the groom's left arm and goes slowly up the steps to the altar4 ,the best man follows behind and to the right of the groom1 and the maid of honor 7or first bridesmaid7 leaves her companions and advances behind and to the left of the bride4 ,the pseudo bride 7in pantomime7 gives her bouquet to the maid of honor2 the best man 7also in pantomime7 hands the ring to the groom1 this merely to see that they are at a convenient distance for the services they are to perform4 ,the recessional is played1 and the procession goes out in reversed order4 ,bride and groom first1 then bridesmaids1 then ushers1 again all taking pains to fall into step with the leaders4 ,on no account must the bridesmaids walk either up or down the aisle with the ushers6 ,once in a while the maid of honor takes the arm of the best man and together they follow the bride and groom out of the church4 ,but it gives the impression of a double wedding and spoils the picture4 ,,obligations ,,of ,,the ,,bridegroom ,in order that the first days of their life together may be as perfect as possible1 the groom must make preparations for the wedding trip long ahead of time1 so that best accommodations can be reserved4 ,if they are to stop first at a hotel in their own city1 or one near by1 he should go days or even weeks in advance and personally select the rooms4 ,it is much better frankly to tell the proprietor1 or room clerk1 at the same time asking him to keep the secret4 ,everyone takes a friendly interest in a bridal couple1 and the chances are that the proprietor will try to reserve the prettiest rooms in the house1 and give the best service4 ,if their first stop is to be at a distance1 then he must engage train seats or boat stateroom1 and write to the hotel of their destination far enough in advance to receive a written reply1 so that he may be sure of the accommodations they will find4 ,,expense ,,of ,,the ,,wedding ,,trip ,just as it is contrary to all laws of etiquette for the bride to accept any part of her trousseau or wedding reception from the groom1 so it is unthinkable for the bride to defray the least fraction of the cost of the wedding journey1 no matter though she have millions in her own right1 and he be earning ten dollars a week4 ,he must save up his ten dollars as long as necessary1 and the trip can be as short as they like1 but convention has no rule more rigid than that the wedding trip shall be a responsibility of the groom4 ,there are two modifications of this rule3 a house may be put at their disposal by a member of her family1 or1 if she is a widow1 they may go to one of her own1 provided it is not one occupied by her with her late husband4 ,it is also quite all right for them to go away in a motor belonging to her1 but driven by him1 and all garage expenses belong to him2 or if her father or other member of the family offers the use of a yacht or private railway car1 the groom may accept but he should remember that the incidental and unavoidable expense of such a gift is sometimes greater than the cost of railway tickets4 ,,buying ,,the ,,wedding ,,ring ,it is quite usual for the bride to go with the groom when he buys the wedding ring1 the reason being that as it stays for life on her finger1 she should be allowed to choose the width and weight she likes and the size she finds comfortable4 ,,the ,,groom',s ,,present ,,to ,,the ,,bride ,he is a very exceptional and enviable man who is financially able to take his fiance to the jeweler's and let her choose what she fancies4 ,usually the groom buys the handsomest ornament he can afford--a string of pearls if he has great wealth1 or a diamond pendant1 brooch or bracelet1 or perhaps only the simplest bangle or charm--but whether it is of great or little worth1 it must be something for her personal adornment4 ,,further ,,obligations ,,of ,,the ,,groom ,gifts must be provided for his best man and ushers1 as well as their ties1 gloves and boutonnires1 a bouquet for his bride1 and the fee for the clergyman1 which may be a ten dollar gold piece or one or two new one hundred dollar bills1 according to his wealth and the importance of the wedding4 ,whatever the amount1 it is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge by the best man who hands it to the clergyman in his vestry-room immediately after the ceremony4 ,,chapter ,,xxii ,,the ,,day ,,of ,,the ,,wedding ,no one is busier than the best man on the day of the wedding4 ,his official position is a cross between trained nurse1 valet1 general manager and keeper4 ,bright and early in the morning he hurries to the house of the groom1 generally before the latter is up4 ,very likely they breakfast together2 in any event1 he takes the groom in charge precisely as might a guardian4 ,he takes note of his patient's general condition2 if he is normal and fit1 so much the better4 ,if he is up in the air or nervous the best man must bring him to earth and jolly him along as best he can4 ,,best ,,man ,,as ,,expressman ,his first actual duty is that of packer and expressman2 he must see that everything necessary for the journey is packed1 and that the groom does not absent-mindedly put the furnishings of his room in his valise and leave his belongings hanging in the closet4 ,he must see that the clothes the groom is to wear away are put into a special bag to be taken to the house of the bride 7where he1 as well as she1 must change from wedding into traveling clothes74 ,the best man becomes expressman if the first stage of the wedding journey is to be to a hotel in town4 ,he puts all the groom's luggage into his own car or a taxi1 drives to the bride's house1 carries the bag with the groom's traveling suit in it to the room set aside for his use--usually the dressing-room of the bride's father or the bedroom of her brother4 ,he then collects1 according to pre-arrangement1 the luggage of the bride and drives with the entire equipment of both bride and groom to the hotel where rooms have already been engaged1 sees it all into the rooms1 and makes sure that everything is as it should be4 ,if he is very thoughtful1 he may himself put flowers about the rooms4 ,he also registers for the newly-weds1 takes the room key1 returns to the house of the groom1 gives him the key and assures him that everything at the hotel is in readiness4 ,this maneuver allows the young couple when they arrive to go quietly to their rooms without attracting the notice of any one1 as would be the case if they arrived with baggage and were conspicuously shown the way by a bell-boy whose manner unmistakably proclaims ,bride and ,groom6 ,or1 if they are going at once by boat or train1 the best man takes the baggage to the station1 checks the large pieces1 and fees a porter to see that the hand luggage is put in the proper stateroom or parlor car chairs4 ,if they are going by automobile1 he takes the luggage out to the garage and personally sees that it is bestowed in the car4 ,,best ,,man ,,as ,,valet ,his next duty is that of valet4 ,he must see that the groom is dressed and ready early1 and plaster him up if he cuts himself shaving4 ,if he is wise in his day he even provides a small bottle of adrenaline for just such an accident1 so that plaster is unnecessary and that the groom may be whole4 ,he may need to find his collar button or even to point out the missing clothes that are lying in full view4 ,he must also be sure to ask for the wedding ring and the clergyman's fee1 and put them in his own waistcoat pocket4 ,a very careful best man carries a duplicate ring1 in case of one being lost during the ceremony4 ,,best ,,man ,,as ,,companion-,,in-,,ordinary ,with the bride's and groom's luggage properly bestowed1 the ring and fee in his pocket1 the groom's traveling clothes at the bride's house1 the groom in complete wedding attire1 and himself also ready1 the best man has nothing further to do but be gentleman-in-waiting to the groom until it is time to escort him to the church1 where he becomes chief of staff4 ,,at ,,the ,,house ,,of ,,the ,,bride ,meanwhile1 if the wedding is to be at noon1 dawn will not have much more than broken before the house--at least below stairs--becomes bustling4 ,even if the wedding is to be at four o'clock1 it will still be early in the morning when the business of the day begins4 ,but let us suppose it is to be at noon2 if the family is one that is used to assembling at an early breakfast table1 it is probable that the bride herself will come down for this last meal alone with her family4 ,they will1 however1 not be allowed to linger long at the table4 ,the caterer will already be clamoring for possession of the dining-room--the florist will by that time already have dumped heaps of wire and greens into the middle of the drawing-room1 if not beside the table where the family are still communing with their eggs4 ,the door-bell has long ago begun to ring4 ,at first there are telegrams and special delivery letters1 then as soon as the shops open1 come the last-moment wedding presents1 notes1 messages and the insistent clamor of the telephone4 ,next1 excited voices in the hall announce members of the family who come from a distance4 ,they all want to kiss the bride1 they all want rooms to dress in1 they all want to talk4 ,also comes the hairdresser1 to do the bride's or her mother's or aunt's or grandmother's hair1 or all of them2 the manicure1 the masseuse--any one else that may have been thought necessary to give final beautifying touches to any or all of the female members of the household4 ,the dozen and one articles from the caterer are meantime being carried in at the basement door2 made dishes1 and dishes in the making1 raw materials of which others are to be made2 folding chairs1 small tables1 chinaware1 glassware1 napery1 knives1 forks and spoons--it is a struggle to get in or out of the kitchen or area door4 ,the bride's mother consults the florist for the third and last time as to whether the bridal couple had not better receive in the library because of the bay window which lends itself easily to the decoration of a background1 and because the room1 is1 if anything1 larger than the drawing-room4 ,and for the third time1 the florist agrees about the advantage of the window but points out that the library has only one narrow door and that the drawing-room is much better1 because it has two wide ones and guests going into the room will not be blocked in the doorway by others coming out4 ,the best man turns up and wants the bride's luggage4 ,the head usher comes to ask whether the ,joneses to be seated in the fourth pew are the tall dark ones or the blond ones1 and whether he had not better put some of the ,titheringtons who belong in the eighth pew also in the seventh1 as there are nine ,titheringtons and the ,eminents in the seventh pew are only four4 ,a bridesmaid-elect hurries up the steps1 runs into the best man carrying out the luggage2 much conversation and giggling and guessing as to where the luggage is going4 ,best man very important1 also very noble and silent4 ,bridesmaid shrugs her shoulders1 dashes up to the bride's room and dashes down again4 ,more presents arrive4 ,the furniture movers have come and are carting lumps of heaviness up the stairs to the attic and down the stairs to the cellar4 ,it is all very like an ant-hill4 ,some are steadily going forward with the business in hand1 but others who have become quite bewildered1 seem to be scurrying aimlessly this way and that1 picking something up only to put it down again4 ,,the ,,drawing-,,room ,here1 where the bride and groom are to receive1 one can not tell yet what the decoration is to be4 ,perhaps it is a hedged-in garden scene1 a palm grove1 a flowering recess1 a screen and canopy of wedding bells--but a bower of foliage of some sort is gradually taking shape4 ,,the ,,dining-,,room ,the dining-room1 too1 blossoms with plants and flowers4 ,perhaps its space and that of a tent adjoining is filled with little tables1 or perhaps a single row of camp chairs stands flat against the walls1 and in the center of the room1 the dining table pulled out to its farthest extent1 is being decked with trimmings and utensils which will be needed later when the spaces left at intervals for various dishes shall be occupied4 ,preparation of these dishes is meanwhile going on in the kitchen4 ,,the ,,kitchen ,the caterer's chefs in white cook's caps and aprons are in possession of the situation1 and their assistants run here and there1 bringing ingredients as they are told2 or perhaps the caterer brings everything already prepared1 in which case the waiters are busy unpacking the big tin boxes and placing the bain-marie 7a sort of fireless cooker receptacle in a tank of hot water7 from which the hot food is to be served4 ,huge tubs of cracked ice in which the ice cream containers are buried are already standing in the shade of the areaway or in the back yard4 ,,last ,,preparations ,back again in the drawing-room1 the florist and his assistants are still tying and tacking and arranging and adjusting branches and garlands and sheaves and bunches1 and the floor is a litter of twigs and strings and broken branches4 ,the photographer is asking that the central decoration be finished so he can group his pictures1 the florist assures him that he is as busy as possible4 ,the house is as cold as open windows can make it1 to keep the flowers fresh1 and to avoid stuffiness4 ,the door-bell continues its ringing1 and the parlor maid finds herself a contestant in a marathon1 until some one decides that card envelopes and telegrams had better be left in the front hall4 ,a first bridesmaid arrives4 ,she at least is on time4 ,all decoration activity stops while she is looked at and admired4 ,panic seizes some one6 ,the time is too short1 nothing will be ready6 ,some one else says the bridesmaid is far too early1 there is no end of time4 ,upstairs everyone is still dressing4 ,the father of the bride 7one would suppose him to be the bridegroom at least7 is trying on most of his shirts1 the floor strewn with discarded collars6 ,the mother of the bride is hurrying into her wedding array so as to be ready for any emergency1 as well as to superintend the finishing touches to her daughter's dress and veil4 ,,the ,,wedding ,,dress ,everyone knows what a wedding dress is like4 ,it may be of any white material1 satin1 brocade1 velvet1 chiffon or entirely of lace4 ,it may be embroidered in pearls1 crystals or silver2 or it may be as plain as a slip-cover--anything in fact that the bride fancies1 and made in whatever fashion or period she may choose4 ,as for her veil in its combination of lace or tulle and orange blossoms1 perhaps it is copied from a head-dress of ,egypt or ,china1 or from the severe drapery of ,rebecca herself1 or proclaim the knowing touch of the ,rue de la ,paix4 ,it may have a cap1 like that of a lady in a ,french print1 or fall in clouds of tulle from under a little wreath1 such as might be worn by a child ,queen of the ,may4 ,the origin of the bridal veil is an unsettled question4 ,roman brides wore yellow veils1 and veils were used in the ancient ,hebrew marriage ceremony4 ,the veil as we use it may be a substitute for the flowing tresses which in old times fell like a mantle modestly concealing the bride's face and form2 or it may be an amplification of the veil which medieval fashion added to every head-dress4 ,in olden days the garland rather than the veil seems to have been of greatest importance4 ,the garland was the coronet of the good girl1 and her right to wear it was her inalienable attribute of virtue4 ,very old books speak of three ornaments that every virtuous bride must wear1 a ring on her finger1 a brooch on her breast and a garland on her head4 ,a bride who had no dowry of gold was said nevertheless to bring her husband great treasure1 if she brought him a garland--in other words1 a virtuous wife4 ,at present the veil is usually mounted by a milliner on a made foundation1 so that it need merely be put on--but every young girl has an idea of how she personally wants her wedding veil and may choose rather to put it together herself or have it done by some particular friend1 whose taste and skill she especially admires4 ,if she chooses to wear a veil over her face up the aisle and during the ceremony1 the front veil is always a short separate piece about a yard square1 gathered on an invisible band1 and pinned with a hair pin at either side1 after the long veil is arranged4 ,it is taken off by the maid of honor when she gives back the bride's bouquet at the conclusion of the ceremony4 ,the face veil is a rather old-fashioned custom1 and is appropriate only for a very young bride of a demure type2 the tradition being that a maiden is too shy to face a congregation unveiled1 and shows her face only when she is a married woman4 ,some brides prefer to remove their left glove by merely pulling it inside out at the altar4 ,usually the under seam of the wedding finger of her glove is ripped for about two inches and she need only pull the tip off to have the ring put on4 ,or1 if the wedding is a small one1 she wears no gloves at all4 ,brides have been known to choose colors other than white4 ,cloth of silver is quite conventional and so is very deep cream1 but cloth of gold suggests the habiliment of a widow rather than that of a virgin maid--of which the white and orange blossoms1 or myrtle leaf1 are the emblems4 ,if a bride chooses to be married in traveling dress1 she has no bridesmaids1 though she often has a maid of honor4 ,a traveling dress is either a tailor made if she is going directly on a boat or train1 or a morning or afternoon dress--whatever she would wear away after a big wedding4 ,but to return to our particular bride2 everyone seemingly is in her room1 her mother1 her grandmother1 three aunts1 two cousins1 three bridesmaids1 four small children1 two friends1 her maid1 the dressmaker and an assistant4 ,every little while1 the parlor-maid brings a message or a package4 ,her father comes in and goes out at regular intervals1 in sheer nervousness4 ,the rest of the bridesmaids gradually appear and distract the attention of the audience so that the bride has moments of being allowed to dress undisturbed4 ,at last even her veil is adjusted and all present gasp their approval3 ,how sweet6 ,dearest1 you are too lovely6 and ,darling1 how wonderful you look6 ,her father reappears3 ,if you are going to have the pictures taken1 you had better all hurry6 ,oh1 ,mary1 shouts some one1 what have you on that is ,something old1 something new1 ,something borrowed1 something blue1 ,and a lucky sixpence in your shoe6 ,let me see1 says the bride1 'old1' ,i have old lace2 'new1' ,i have lots of new6 ',borrowed1' and 'blue'8 ,a chorus of voices3 ,wear my ring1 ,wear my pin1 ,wear mine6 ,it's blue6 and some one's pin which has a blue stone in it1 is fastened on under the trimming of her dress and serves both needs4 ,if the lucky sixpence 7a dime will do7 is produced1 she must at least pay discomfort for her luck4 ,again some one suggests the photographer is waiting and time is short4 ,having pictures taken before the ceremony is a dull custom1 because it is tiring to sit for one's photograph at best1 and to attempt anything so delaying as posing at the moment when the procession ought to be starting1 is as trying to the nerves as it is exhausting1 and more than one wedding procession has consisted of very dragged out young women in consequence4 ,at a country wedding it is very easy to take the pictures out on the lawn at the end of the reception and just before the bride goes to dress4 ,sometimes in a town house1 they are taken in an up-stairs room at that same hour2 but usually the bride is dressed and her bridesmaids arrive at her house fully half an hour before the time necessary to leave for the church1 and pictures of the group are taken as well as several of the bride alone--with special lights--against the background where she will stand and receive4 ,,procession ,,to ,,church ,whether the pictures are taken before the wedding or after1 the bridesmaids always meet at the house of the bride1 where they also receive their bouquets4 ,when it is time to go to the church1 there are several carriages or motors drawn up at the house4 ,the bride's mother drives away in the first1 usually alone1 or she may1 if she chooses1 take one or two bridesmaids in her car1 but she must reserve room for her husband who will return from church with her4 ,the maid of honor1 bridesmaids and flower girls go in the next vehicles1 which may be their own or else are supplied by the bride's family2 and last of all1 comes the bride's carriage1 which always has a wedding appearance4 ,if it is a brougham1 the horses' headpieces are decorated with white flowers and the coachman wears a white boutonnire2 if it is a motor1 the chauffeur wears a small bunch of white flowers on his coat1 and white gloves1 and has all the tires painted white to give the car a wedding appearance4 ,the bride drives to the church with her father only4 ,her carriage arrives last of the procession1 and stands without moving1 in front of the awning1 until she and her husband 7in place of her father7 return from the ceremony and drive back to the house for the breakfast or reception4 ,if she has no father1 this part is taken by an uncle1 a brother1 a cousin1 her guardian1 or other close male connection of her family4 ,if it should happen that the bride has neither father nor very near male relative1 or guardian1 she walks up the aisle alone4 ,at the point in the ceremony when the clergyman asks who gives the bride1 if the betrothal is read at the chancel steps1 her mother goes forward and performs the office in exactly the same way that her father would have done4 ,if the entire ceremony is at the altar1 the mother merely stays where she is standing in her proper place at the end of the first pew on the left1 and says very distinctly1 ,i do4 ,,at ,,the ,,church ,meanwhile1 about an hour before the time for the ceremony1 the ushers arrive at the church and the sexton turns his guardianship over to them4 ,they leave their hats in the vestry1 or coat room4 ,their boutonnires1 sent by the groom1 should be waiting in the vestibule4 ,they should be in charge of a boy from the florist's1 who has nothing else on his mind but to see that they are there1 that they are fresh and that the ushers get them4 ,each man puts one in his buttonhole1 and also puts on his gloves4 ,the head usher decides 7or the groom has already told them7 to which ushers are apportioned the center1 and to which the side aisles4 ,if it is a big church with side aisles and gallery1 and there are only six ushers1 four will be put in the center aisle1 and two in the side4 ,guests who choose to sit up in the gallery find places for themselves4 ,often1 at a big wedding1 the sexton or one of his assistants guards the entrance to the gallery and admission is reserved by cards for the employees of both families1 but usually the gallery is open to those who care to go up4 ,an usher whose place is in the side aisle may escort occasional personal friends of his own down the center aisle if he happens to be unoccupied at the moment of their entrance4 ,those of the ushers who are the most likely to recognize the various close friends and members of each family are invariably detailed to the center aisle4 ,a brother of the bride1 for instance1 is always chosen for this aisle because he is best fitted to look out for his own relatives and to place them according to their near or distant kinship4 ,a second usher should be either a brother of the groom or a near relative who would be able to recognize the family and close friends of the groom4 ,the first six to twenty pews on both sides of the center aisle are fenced off with white ribbons into a reserved enclosure4 ,the parents of the bride always sit in the first pew on the left 7facing the chancel72 the parents of the groom always sit in the first pew on the right4 ,the right hand side of the church is the groom's side always1 the left is that of the bride4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,church ,,wedding ,in the city or country the church is decorated with masses of flowers1 greens and sprays of flowers at the ends of the six to twenty reserved pews4 ,page #ced4 ,,seating ,,the ,,guests ,it is the duty of the ushers to show all guests to their places4 ,an usher offers his arm to each lady as she arrives1 whether he knows her personally or not4 ,if the vestibule is very crowded and several ladies are together1 he sometimes gives his arm to the older and asks the others to follow4 ,but this is not done unless the crowd is great and the time short4 ,if the usher thinks a guest belongs in front of the ribbons though she fails to present her card1 he always asks at once ,have you a pew number8 ,if she has1 he then shows her to her place4 ,if she has none1 he asks whether she prefers to sit on the bride's side or the groom's and gives her the best seat vacant in the unreserved part of the church4 ,he generally makes a few polite remarks as he takes her up the aisle4 ,such as3 ,i am so sorry you came late1 all the good seats are taken further up4 ,or ,isn't it lucky they have such a beautiful day8 or ,too bad it is raining4 ,or1 perhaps the lady is first in making a similar remark or two to him4 ,whatever conversation there is1 is carried on in a low voice1 not1 however1 whispered or solemn4 ,the deportment of the ushers should be natural but at the same time dignified and quiet in consideration of the fact that they are in church4 ,they must not trot up and down the aisles in a bustling manner2 yet they must be fairly agile1 as the vestibule is packed with guests who have all to be seated as expeditiously as possible4 ,the guests without reserved cards should arrive first in order to find good places2 then come the reserved seat guests2 and lastly1 the immediate members of the families1 who all have especial places in the front pews held for them4 ,it is not customary for one who is in deep mourning to go to a wedding1 but there can be little criticism of an intimate friend who takes a place in the gallery of the church from which she can see the ceremony and yet be apart from the wedding guests4 ,at a wedding that is necessarily small because of mourning1 the women of the family usually lay aside black for that one occasion and wear white4 ,in ,front of the ,ribbons ,there are two ways in which people in front of the ribbons are seated4 ,the less efficient way is by means of a typewritten list of those for whom seats are reserved and of the pews in which they are to be seated1 given to each usher1 who has read it over for each guest who arrives at the church4 ,from every point of view1 the typewritten list is bad2 first1 it wastes time1 and as everyone arrives at the same moment1 and every lady is supposed to be taken personally up the aisle on the arm of an usher1 the time consumed while each usher looks up each name on several gradually rumpling or tearing sheets of paper is easily imagined4 ,besides which1 one who is at all intimate with either family can not help feeling in some degree slighted when1 on giving one's name1 the usher looks for it in vain4 ,the second1 and far better method1 is to have a pew card sent1 enclosed with the wedding invitation1 or an inscribed visiting card sent by either family4 ,a guest who has a card with ,pew ,no4 #ab on it1 knows1 and the usher knows1 exactly where she is to go4 ,or if she has a card saying ,reserved or ,before the ribbons or any special mark that means in the reserved section but no especial pew1 the usher puts her in the best position available behind the first two or three numbered rows that are saved for the immediate family1 and in front of the ribbons marking the reserved enclosure4 ,it is sometimes well for the head usher to ask the bride's mother if she is sure she has allowed enough pews in the reserved section to seat all those with cards4 ,arranging definite seat numbers has one disadvantage2 one pew may have every seat occupied and another may be almost empty4 ,in that case an usher can1 just before the procession is to form1 shift a certain few people out of the crowded pews into the others4 ,but it would be a breach of etiquette for people to re-seat themselves1 and no one should be seated after the entrance of the bride's mother4 ,,the ,,bridegroom ,,waits ,meanwhile1 about fifteen minutes before the wedding hour1 the groom and his best man--both in morning coats1 top-hats1 boutonnires and white buckskin 7but remember not shiny7 gloves1 walk or drive to the church and enter the side door which leads to the vestry4 ,there they sit1 or in the clergyman's study1 until the sexton or an usher comes to say that the bride has arrived4 ,,the ,,perfectly ,,managed ,,wedding ,at a perfectly managed wedding1 the bride arrives exactly one minute 7to give a last comer time to find place7 after the hour4 ,two or three servants have been sent to wait in the vestibule to help the bride and bridesmaids off with their wraps and hold them until they are needed after the ceremony4 ,the groom's mother and father also are waiting in the vestibule4 ,as the carriage of the bride's mother drives up1 an usher goes as quickly as he can to tell the groom1 and any brothers or sisters of the bride or groom1 who are not to take part in the wedding procession and have arrived in their mother's carriage1 are now taken by ushers to their places in the front pews4 ,the moment the entire wedding party is at the church1 the doors between the vestibule and the church are closed4 ,no one is seated after this1 except the parents of the young couple4 ,the proper procedure should be carried out with military exactness1 and is as follows3 ,the groom's mother goes down the aisle on the arm of the head usher and takes her place in the first pew on the right2 the groom's father follows alone1 and takes his place beside her2 the same usher returns to the vestibule and immediately escorts the bride's mother2 he should then have time to return to the vestibule and take his place in the procession4 ,the beginning of the wedding march should sound just as the usher returns to the head of the aisle4 ,to repeat3 ,no other person should be seated after the mother of the bride4 ,guests who arrive later must stand in the vestibule or go into the gallery4 ,the sound of the music is also the cue for the clergyman to enter the chancel1 followed by the groom and his best man4 ,the two latter wear gloves but have left their hats and sticks in the vestry-room4 ,the groom stands on the right hand side at the head of the aisle1 but if the vestry opens into the chancel1 he sometimes stands at the top of the first few steps4 ,he removes his right glove and holds it in his left hand4 ,the best man remains always directly back and to the right of the groom1 and does not remove his glove4 ,,here ,,comes ,,the ,,bride ,the description of the procession is given in detail on a preceding page in the ,wedding ,rehearsal section4 ,starting on the right measure and keeping perfect time1 the ushers come1 two by two1 four paces apart2 then the bridesmaids 7if any7 at the same distance exactly2 then the maid of honor alone2 then the flower girls 7if any72 then1 at a double distance1 the bride on her father's right arm4 ,she is dressed always in white1 with a veil of lace or tulle4 ,usually she carries a bridal bouquet of white flowers1 either short1 or with streamers 7narrow ribbons with little bunches of blossoms on the end of each7 or trailing vines1 or maybe she holds a long sheaf of stiff flowers such as lilies on her arm4 ,or perhaps she carries a prayer book instead of a bouquet4 ,,the ,,groom ,,comes ,,forward ,,to ,,meet ,,the ,,bride ,as the bride approaches1 the groom waits at the foot of the steps 7unless he comes down the steps to meet her74 ,the bride relinquishes her father's arm1 changes her bouquet from her right to her left1 and gives her right hand to the groom4 ,the groom1 taking her hand in his right puts it through his left arm--just her finger tips should rest near the bend of his elbow--and turns to face the chancel as he does so4 ,it does not matter whether she takes his arm or whether they stand hand in hand at the foot of the chancel in front of the clergyman4 ,,her ,,father ,,gives ,,her ,,away ,her father has remained where she left him1 on her left and a step or two behind her4 ,the clergyman stands a step or two above them1 and reads the betrothal4 ,when he says ,who giveth this woman to be married8 the father goes forward1 still on her left1 and half way between her and the clergyman1 but not in front of either1 the bride turns slightly toward her father1 and gives him her right hand1 the father puts her hand into that of the clergyman and says at the same moment3 ,i do6 ,he then takes his place next to his wife at the end of the first pew on the left4 ,,the ,,marriage ,,ceremony ,a soloist or the choir then sings while the clergyman slowly ascends to the altar1 before which the marriage is performed4 ,the bride and groom follow slowly1 the fingers of her right hand on his left arm4 ,the maid of honor1 or else the first bridesmaid1 moves out of line and follows on the left hand side until she stands immediately below the bride4 ,the best man takes the same position exactly on the right behind the groom4 ,at the termination of the anthem1 the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor 7or her prayer-book to the clergyman7 and the bride and groom plight their troth4 ,when it is time for the ring1 the best man produces it from his pocket4 ,if in the handling from best man to groom1 to clergyman1 to groom again1 and finally to the bride's finger1 it should slip and fall1 the best man must pick it up if he can without searching2 if not1 he quietly produces the duplicate which all careful best men carry in the other waistcoat pocket1 and the ceremony proceeds4 ,the lost ring--or the unused extra one--is returned to the jeweler's next day4 ,which ring1 under the circumstances1 the bride keeps1 is a question as hard to answer as that of the ,lady or the ,tiger4 ,would she prefer the substitute ring that was actually the one she was married with8 ,or the one her husband bought and had marked for her8 ,or would she prefer not to have a substitute ring and have the whole wedding party on their knees searching8 ,she alone can decide4 ,fortunately1 even if the clergyman is very old and his hand shaky1 a substitute is seldom necessary4 ,the wedding ring must not be put above the engagement ring4 ,on her wedding day a bride either leaves her engagement ring at home when she goes to church or wears it on her right hand4 ,,after ,,the ,,ceremony ,at the conclusion of the ceremony1 the minister congratulates the new couple4 ,the organ begins the recessional4 ,the bride takes her bouquet from her maid of honor 7who removes the veil if she wore one over her face74 ,she then turns toward her husband--her bouquet in her right hand--and puts her left hand through his right arm1 and they descend the steps4 ,the maid of honor1 handing her own bouquet to a second bridesmaid1 follows a short distance after the bride1 at the same time stooping and straightening out the long train and veil4 ,the bride and groom go on down the aisle4 ,the best man disappears into the vestry room4 ,at a perfectly conducted wedding he does not walk down the aisle with the maid of honor4 ,the maid of honor recovers her bouquet and walks alone4 ,if a bridesmaid performs the office of maid of honor1 she takes her place among her companion bridesmaids who go next2 and the ushers go last4 ,the best man has meanwhile collected the groom's belongings and dashed out of the side entrance and around to the front to give the groom his hat and stick4 ,sometimes the sexton takes charge of the groom's hat and stick and hands them to him at the church door as he goes out4 ,but in either case the best man always hurries around to see the bride and groom into their carriage1 which has been standing at the entrance to the awning since she and her father alighted from it4 ,all the other conveyances are drawn up in the reverse order from that in which they arrived4 ,the bride's carriage leaves first1 next come those of the bridesmaids1 next the bride's mother and father1 next the groom's mother and father1 then the nearest members of both families1 and finally all the other guests in the order of their being able to find their conveyances4 ,the best man goes back to the vestry1 where he gives the fee to the clergyman1 collects his own hat1 and coat if he has one1 and goes to the bride's house4 ,as soon as the recessional is over1 the ushers hurry back and escort to the door all the ladies who were in the first pews1 according to the order of precedence2 the bride's mother first1 then the groom's mother1 then the other occupants of the first pew on either side1 then the second and third pews1 until all members of the immediate families have left the church4 ,meanwhile it is a breach of etiquette for other guests to leave their places4 ,at some weddings1 just before the bride's arrival1 the ushers run ribbons down the whole length of the center aisle1 fencing the congregation in4 ,as soon as the occupants of the first pews have left1 the ribbons are removed and all the other guests go out by themselves1 the ushers having by that time hurried to the bride's house to make themselves useful at the reception4 ,,at ,,the ,,house ,an awning makes a covered way from the edge of the curb to the front door4 ,at the lower end the chauffeur 7or one of the caterer's men7 stands to open the carriage door2 and give return checks to the chauffeurs and their employers4 ,inside the house the florist has finished1 an orchestra is playing in the hall or library1 everything is in perfect order4 ,the bride and groom have taken their places in front of the elaborate setting of flowering plants that has been arranged for them4 ,the bride stands on her husband's right and her bridesmaids are either grouped beyond her or else divided1 half on her side and half on the side of the groom1 forming a crescent with bride and groom in the center4 ,,ushers ,,at ,,the ,,house ,at a small wedding the duty of ushers is personally to take guests up to the bride and groom4 ,but at a big reception where guests outnumber ushers fifty or a hundred to one1 being personally conducted is an honor accorded only to the very old1 the very celebrated or the usher's own best friends4 ,all the other guests stand in a long congested line by themselves4 ,the bride's mother takes her place somewhere near the entrance of the room1 and it is for her benefit that her own butler or one furnished by the caterer1 asks each guest his name and then repeats it aloud4 ,the guests shake hands with the hostess1 and making some polite remark about the beautiful wedding or lovely bride1 continue in line to the bridal pair4 ,,wedding ,,conversation ,what you should say in congratulating a bridal couple depends on how well you know one1 or both of them4 ,but remember it is a breach of good manners to congratulate a bride on having secured a husband4 ,if you are unknown to both of them1 and in a long queue1 it is not even necessary to give your name4 ,you merely shake hands with the groom1 say a formal word or two such as ,congratulations62 shake hands with the bride1 say ,i wish you every happiness6 and pass on4 ,if you know them fairly well1 you may say to him ,i hope your good luck will stay with you always6 or ,i certainly do congratulate you6 and to her ,i hope your whole life will be one long happiness1 or1 if you are much older than she1 ,you look too lovely1 dear ,mary1 and ,i hope you will always be as radiant as you look to-day6 ,or1 if you are a woman and a relative or really close friend1 you kiss the groom1 saying1 ,all the luck in the world to you1 dear ,jim1 she certainly is lovely6 ,or1 kissing the bride1 ,mary1 darling1 every good wish in the world to you6 ,to all the above1 the groom and bride answer merely ,thank you4 ,a man might say to the groom ,good luck to you1 ,jim1 old man6 ,or1 ,she is the most lovely thing ,i have ever seen6 ,and to her1 ,i hope you will have every happiness6 ,or ,i was just telling ,jim how lucky ,i think he is6 ,i hope you will both be very happy6 ,or1 if a very close friend1 also kissing the bride1 ,all the happiness you can think of isn't as much as ,i wish you1 ,mary dear6 ,but it cannot be too much emphasized that promiscuous kissing among the guests is an offense against good taste4 ,to a relative1 or old friend of the bride1 but possibly a stranger to the groom1 the bride always introduces her husband saying1 ,jim1 this is ,aunt ,kate6 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,neighbor1 you know ,jim1 don't you8 ,or formally1 ,mrs4 ,faraway1 may ,i present my husband8 ,the groom on the approach of an old friend of his1 says1 ,mary1 this is cousin ,carrie4 ,or1 ,mrs4 ,denver1 do you know ,mary8 ,or1 ,hello1 ,steve1 let me introduce you to my wife2 ,mary1 this is ,steve ,michigan4 ,steve says ,how do you do1 ,mrs4 ,smartlington6 ,and ,mary says1 ,of course1 ,i have often heard ,jim speak of you6 ,the bride with a good memory thanks each arriving person for the gift sent her3 ,thank you so much for the lovely candlesticks1 or ,i can't tell you how much ,i love the dishes6 ,the person who is thanked says1 ,i am so glad you like it 7or them71 or ,i am so glad6 ,i hoped you might find it useful4 ,or ,i didn't have it marked1 so that in case you have a duplicate1 you can change it4 ,conversation is never a fixed grouping of words that are learned or recited like a part in a play2 the above examples are given more to indicate the sort of things people in good society usually say4 ,there is1 however1 one rule3 ,do not launch into long conversation or details of yourself1 how you feel or look or what happened to you1 or what you wore when you were married6 ,your subject must not deviate from the young couple themselves1 their wedding1 their future4 ,also be brief in order not to keep those behind waiting longer than necessary4 ,if you have anything particular to tell them1 you can return later when there is no longer a line4 ,but even then1 long conversation1 especially concerning yourself1 is out of place4 ,,parents ,,of ,,the ,,groom ,the groom's mother always receives either near the bride's mother or else continuing the line beyond the bridesmaids1 and it is proper for every guest to shake hands with her too1 whether they know her or not1 but it is not necessary to say anything4 ,the bride's father sometimes stands beside his wife but he usually circulates among his guests just as he would at a ball or any other party where he is host4 ,the groom's father is a guest and it is not necessary for strangers to speak to him1 unless he stands beside his wife and1 as it were1 receives1 but there is no impropriety in any one telling him how well they know and like his son or his new daughter-in-law4 ,the guests1 as soon as they have congratulated the bride and groom1 go out and find themselves places 7if it is to be a sit-down breakfast7 at a table4 ,,details ,,of ,a ,,sit-,,down ,,breakfast ,unless the house is remarkable in size1 there is usually a canopied platform built next to the veranda or on the lawn or over the yard of a city house4 ,the entire space is packed with little tables surrounding the big one reserved for the bridal party1 and at a large breakfast a second table is reserved for the parents of the bride and groom and a few close1 and especially invited1 friends4 ,place cards are not put on any of the small tables4 ,all the guests1 except the few placed at the two reserved tables1 sit with whom they like2 sometimes by pre-arrangement1 but usually where they happen to find friends--and room6 ,the general sit-down breakfast--except in great houses like a few of those in ,newport--is always furnished by a caterer1 who brings all the food1 tables1 chairs1 napery1 china and glass1 as well as the necessary waiters4 ,the butler and footmen belonging in the house may assist or oversee1 or detail themselves to other duties4 ,small menu cards printed in silver are put on all the tables4 ,sometimes these cards have the crest of the bride's father embossed at the top1 but usually the entwined initials of the bride and groom are stamped in silver to match the wedding cake boxes4 ,example3 ,illustration3 ,bouillon ,lobster ,newburg ,suprme of ,chicken ,peas ,aspic of ,foie ,gras ,celery ,salad ,ices ,coffee ,instead of bouillon1 there may be caviar or melon1 or grape fruit1 or a pure1 or clam broth4 ,for lobster ,newburg may be soft-shell crabs or oyster pt1 or other fish4 ,or the bouillon may be followed by a dish such as sweetbreads and mushrooms1 or chicken pts1 or broiled chicken 7a half of a chicken for each guest7 or squab1 with salad such as whole tomatoes filled with celery4 ,or the chicken or squab may be the second course1 and an aspic with the salad1 the third4 ,individual ices are accompanied by little cakes of assorted variety4 ,there used always to be champagne2 a substitute is at best a poor thing1 and what the prevailing one is to be1 is as yet not determined4 ,orange juice and ginger ale1 or white grape juice and ginger ale with sugar and mint leaves are two attempts at a satisfying cup that have been offered lately4 ,,the ,,bride',s ,,table ,the feature of the wedding breakfast is always the bride's table4 ,placed sometimes in the dining-room1 sometimes on the veranda or in a room apart1 this table is larger and more elaborately decorated than any of the others4 ,there are white garlands or sprays or other arrangement of white flowers1 and in the center as chief ornament is an elaborately iced wedding cake4 ,on the top it has a bouquet of white or silver flowers1 or confectioner's quaint dolls representing the bride and groom4 ,the top is usually made like a cover so that when the time comes for the bride to cut it1 it is merely lifted off4 ,the bride always cuts the cake1 meaning that she inserts the knife and makes one cut through the cake1 after which each person cuts herself or himself a slice4 ,if there are two sets of favors hidden in the cake1 there is a mark in the icing to distinguish the bridesmaids' side from that of the ushers4 ,articles1 each wrapped in silver foil1 have been pushed through the bottom of the cake at intervals2 the bridesmaids find a ten-cent piece for riches1 a little gold ring for first to be married1 a thimble or little parrot or cat for old maid1 a wish-bone for the luckiest4 ,on the ushers' side1 a button or dog is for the bachelor1 and a miniature pair of dice as a symbol of lucky chance in life4 ,the ring and ten-cent piece are the same4 ,if a big piece of the wedding cake is left1 the bride's mother has it wrapped in tin foil and put in a sealed tin box and kept for the bride to open on her first anniversary4 ,the evolution of the wedding cake began in ancient ,rome where brides carried wheat ears in their left hands4 ,later1 ,anglo-,saxon brides wore the wheat made into chaplets1 and gradually the belief developed that a young girl who ate of the grains of wheat which became scattered on the ground1 would dream of her future husband4 ,the next step was the baking of a thin dry biscuit which was broken over the bride's head and the crumbs divided amongst the guests4 ,the next step was in making richer cake2 then icing it1 and the last instead of having it broken over her head1 the bride broke it herself into small pieces for the guests4 ,later she cut it with a knife4 ,,the ,,table ,,of ,,the ,,bride',s ,,parents ,the table of the bride's parents differs from other tables in nothing except in its larger size1 and the place cards for those who have been invited to sit there4 ,the groom's father always sits on the right of the bride's mother1 and the groom's mother has the place of honor on the host's right4 ,the other places at the table are occupied by distinguished guests who may or may not include the clergyman who performed the ceremony4 ,if a bishop or dean performed the ceremony1 he is always included at this table and is placed at the left of the hostess1 and his wife1 if present1 sits at the bride's father's left4 ,otherwise only especially close friends of the bride's parents are invited to this table4 ,,the ,,wedding ,,cake ,in addition to the big cake on the bride's table1 there are at all weddings1 near the front door so that the guests may each take one as they go home1 little individual boxes of wedding cake1 black fruit cake4 ,each box is made of white moir or gros-grain paper1 embossed in silver with the last initial of the groom intertwined with that of the bride and tied with white satin ribbon4 ,at a sit-down breakfast the wedding cake boxes are sometimes put1 one at each place1 on the tables so that each guest may be sure of receiving one1 and other thoughtless ones prevented from carrying more than their share away4 ,,the ,,standing ,,breakfast ,,or ,,reception ,the standing breakfast differs from the sit-down breakfast in service only4 ,instead of numerous small tables at which the guests are served with a course luncheon1 a single long one is set in the dining-room4 7,the regular table pulled out to its farthest extent47 ,it is covered with a plain white damask cloth--or it may be of embroidered linen and lace insertion4 ,in the center is usually a bowl or vase or other centerpiece1 of white flowers4 ,on it are piles of plates1 stacks of napkins and rows of spoons and forks at intervals1 making four or possibly six piles altogether4 ,always there are dishes filled with little fancy cakes1 chosen as much for looks as for taste4 ,there is usually a big urn at one end filled with bouillon and one at the other filled with chocolate or tea4 ,in four evenly spaced places are placed two cold dishes such as an aspic of chicken1 or ham mousse1 or a terrine de foie gras1 or other aspic4 ,the hot dishes may be a boned capon1 vol-au-vent of sweetbread and mushrooms1 creamed oysters1 chicken la ,king1 or chicken croquettes2 or there may be cold cuts1 or celery salad1 in tomato aspic4 ,whatever the choice may be1 there are two or three cold dishes and at least two hot4 ,whatever there is1 must be selected with a view to its being easily eaten with a fork while the plate is held in the other hand6 ,there are also rolls and biscuits1 pt de foie gras or lettuce and tomato sandwiches1 the former made usually of split dinner rolls with pt between1 or thin sandwiches rolled like a leaf in which a moth has built a cocoon4 ,ices are brought in a little later1 when a number of persons have apparently finished their first course4 ,ice cream is quite as fashionable as individual ices4 ,it is merely that caterers are less partial to it because it has to be cut4 ,after-dinner coffee is put on a side table1 as the champagne used to be4 ,from now on there will probably be a bowl or pitchers of something with a lump of ice in it that can be ladled into glasses and become whatever those gifted with imagination may fancy4 ,unless the wedding is very small1 there is always a bride's table1 decorated exactly as that described for a sit-down breakfast1 and placed usually in the library1 but there is no especial table for the bride's mother and her guests--or for anyone else4 ,,the ,,bridal ,,party ,,eat ,by the time the sit-down breakfast has reached its second course and the queue of arriving guests has dwindled and melted away1 the bride and groom decide that it is time they too go to breakfast4 ,arm in arm they lead the way to their own table followed by the ushers and bridesmaids4 ,the bride and groom always sit next to each other1 she on his right2 the maid of honor 7or matron7 is on his left1 and the best man is on the right of the bride4 ,around the rest of the table come bridesmaids and ushers alternately4 ,sometimes one or two others--sisters of the bride or groom or intimate friends1 who were not included in the wedding party1 are asked to the table1 and when there are no bridesmaids this is always the case4 ,the decoration of the table1 the service1 the food1 is exactly the same whether the other guests are seated or standing4 ,at dessert1 the bride cuts the cake1 and the bridesmaids and ushers find the luck pieces4 ,,dancing ,,at ,,the ,,wedding ,on leaving their table1 the bridal party join the dancing which by now has begun in the drawing-room where the wedding group received4 ,the bride and groom dance at first together1 and then each with bridesmaids or ushers or other guests4 ,sometimes they linger so long that those who had intended staying for the going away grow weary and leave--which is often exactly what the young couple want6 ,unless they have to catch a train1 they always stay until the crowd thins before going to dress for their journey4 ,at last the bride signals to her bridesmaids and leaves the room4 ,they all gather at the foot of the stairs2 about half way to the upper landing as she goes up1 she throws her bouquet1 and they all try to catch it4 ,the one to whom it falls is supposed to be the next married4 ,if she has no bridesmaids1 she sometimes collects a group of other young girls and throws her bouquet to them4 ,,into ,,traveling ,,clothes ,the bride goes up to the room that has always been hers1 followed by her mother1 sisters and bridesmaids1 who stay with her while she changes into her traveling clothes4 ,a few minutes after the bride has gone up-stairs1 the groom goes to the room reserved for him1 and changes into the ordinary sack suit which the best man has taken there for him before the ceremony4 ,he does not wear his top hat nor his wedding boutonnire4 ,the groom's clothes should be apparently new1 but need not actually be so4 ,the bride's clothes1 on the other hand1 are always brand new--every article that she has on4 ,,the ,,going-,,away ,,dress ,a bride necessarily chooses her going-away dress according to the journey she is to make4 ,if she is starting off in an open motor1 she wears a suitably small motor hat and a wrap of some sort over whatever dress 7or suit7 she chooses4 ,if she is going on a train or boat1 she wears a traveling dress1 such as she would choose under ordinary circumstances4 ,if she is going to a nearby hotel or a country house put at her disposal1 she wears the sort of dress and hat suitable to town or country occasion4 ,she should not dress as though about to join a circus parade or the ornaments on a ,christmas tree1 unless she wants to be stared at and commented upon in a way that no one of good breeding can endure4 ,the average bride and groom of good taste and feeling try to be as inconspicuous as possible4 ,on one occasion1 in order to hide the fact that they were bride and groom1 a young couple went away in their oldest clothes and were very much pleased with their cleverness1 until1 pulling out his handkerchief1 the groom scattered rice all over the floor of the parlor car4 ,the bride's lament after this was--,why had she not worn her prettiest things8 ,the groom1 having changed his clothes1 waits up-stairs1 in the hall generally1 until the bride emerges from her room in her traveling clothes4 ,all the ushers shake hands with them both4 ,his immediate family1 as well as hers1 have gradually collected--any that are missing must unfailingly be sent for4 ,the bride's mother gives her a last kiss1 her bridesmaids hurry downstairs to have plenty of rice ready and to tell everyone below as they descend ,they are coming6 ,a passage from the stairway and out of the front door1 all the way to the motor1 is left free between two rows of eager guests1 their hands full of rice4 ,upon the waiting motor the ushers have tied everything they can lay their hands on in the way of white ribbons and shoes and slippers4 ,,here ,,they ,,come6 ,at last the groom appears at the top of the stairs1 a glimpse of the bride behind him4 ,it surely is running the gauntlet6 ,they seemingly count one1 two1 three1 go6 ,with shoulders hunched and collars held tight to their necks1 they run through shrapnel of rice1 down the stairs1 out through the hall1 down the outside steps1 into the motor1 slam the door1 and are off6 ,the wedding guests stand out on the street or roadway looking after them for as long as a vestige can be seen--and then gradually disperse4 ,occasionally young couples think it clever to slip out of the area-way1 or over the roofs1 or out of the cellar and across the garden4 ,all this is supposed to be in order to avoid being deluged with rice and having labels of newly wed or large white bows and odd shoes and slippers tied to their luggage4 ,most brides1 however1 agree with their guests that it is decidedly spoil sport to deprive a lot of friends 7who have only their good luck at heart7 of the perfectly legitimate enjoyment of throwing emblems of good luck after them4 ,if one white slipper among those thrown after the motor lands right side up1 on top of it1 and stays there1 greatest good fortune is sure to follow through life4 ,there was a time when the going away carriage was always furnished by the groom1 and this is still the case if it is a hired conveyance1 but nowadays when nearly everyone has a motor1 the newly married couple--if they have no motor of their own--are sure to have one lent them by the family of one of them4 ,very often they have two motors and are met by a second car at an appointed place1 into which they change after shaking themselves free of rice4 ,the white ribboned car returns to the house1 as well as the decorated and labeled luggage1 which was all empty--their real luggage having been bestowed safely by the best man that morning in their hotel or boat or train4 ,or1 it may be that they choose a novel journey1 for there is1 of course1 no regulation vehicle4 ,they can go off in a limousine1 a pony cart1 a yacht1 a canoe1 on horseback or by airplane4 ,fancy alone limits the mode of travel1 suggests the destination1 or directs the etiquette of a honeymoon4 ,,bride',s ,,first ,,duty ,,of ,,thought ,,for ,,groom',s ,,parents ,at the end of the wedding there is one thing the bride must not forget4 ,as soon as she is in her traveling dress1 she must send a bridesmaid or someone out into the hall and ask her husband's parents to come and say good-by to her4 ,if his parents have not themselves come up-stairs to see their son1 the bride must have them sent for at once6 ,it is very easy for a bride to forget this act of thoughtfulness and for a groom to overlook the fact that he can not stop to kiss his mother good-by on his way out of the house1 and many a mother seeing her son and new daughter rush past without even a glance from either of them1 has returned home with an ache in her heart4 ,it sounds improbable1 doesn't it8 ,one naturally exclaims1 ,but how stupid of her1 why didn't she go up-stairs8 ,why didn't her son send for her8 ,usually she does1 or he does4 ,but often the groom's parents are strangers2 and if by temperament they are shy or retiring people they hesitate to go up-stairs in an unknown house until they are invited to4 ,so they wait1 feeling sure that in good time they will be sent for4 ,meanwhile the bride forgets and it does not occur to the groom that unless he makes an effort while up-stairs there will be no opportunity in the dash down to the carriage to recognize them--or anyone4 ,,flippancy ,,vs4 ,,radiance ,a completely beautiful wedding is not merely a combination of wonderful flowers1 beautiful clothes1 smoothness of detail1 delicious food4 ,these1 though all necessary1 are external attributes4 ,the spirit1 or soul of it1 must have something besides2 and that something is in the behavior and in the expression of the bride and groom4 ,the most beautiful wedding ever imagined could be turned from sacrament to circus by the indecorous behavior of the groom and the flippancy of the bride4 ,she1 above all1 must not reach up and wig-wag signals while she is receiving1 any more than she must wave to people as she goes up and down the aisle of the church4 ,she must not cling to her husband1 stand pigeon-toed1 or lean against him or the wall1 or any person1 or thing4 ,she must not run her arm through his and let her hand flop on the other side2 she must not swing her arms as though they were dangling rope2 she must not switch herself this way and that1 nor must she hello or shout4 ,no matter how young or natural and thoughtless she may be1 she must1 during the ceremony and the short time that she stands beside her husband at the reception1 assume that she has dignity4 ,it is not by chance that the phrase happy pair is one of the most trite in our language1 for happiness above all is the inner essential that must dominate a perfect wedding4 ,an unhappy looking bride1 an unwilling looking groom1 turns the greatest wedding splendor into sham2 without love it is a sacrament inadvisedly entered into1 and the sight of a tragic-faced bride strikes chill to the heart4 ,the radiance of a truly happy bride is so beautifying that even a plain girl is made pretty1 and a pretty one1 divine4 ,there is something glad yet sweet1 shy yet triumphant1 serious yet--radiant6 ,there is no other way to put it4 ,and a happy groom looks first of all protective--he1 too1 may have the quality of radiance1 but it is different--more directly glad4 ,they both look as though there were sunlight behind their eyes1 as though their mouths irresistibly turned to smiles4 ,no other quality of a bride's expression is so beautiful as radiance2 that visible proof of perfect happiness which endears its possessor to all beholders and gives to the simplest little wedding complete beauty4 ,,the ,,house ,,wedding ,a house wedding involves slightly less expenditure but has the disadvantage of limiting the number of guests4 ,the ceremony is exactly the same as that in a church1 excepting that the procession advances through an aisle of white satin ribbons from the stairs down which the bridal party descends1 to the improvised altar4 ,a small space near the altar is fenced off with other ribbons1 for the family4 ,there is a low rail of some sort back of which the clergyman stands1 and something for the bride and groom to kneel on during the prayers of the ceremony4 ,the prayer bench is usually about six or eight inches high1 and between three and four feet long2 at the back of it an upright on either end supports a crosspiece--or altar rail4 ,it can be made in roughest fashion by any carpenter1 or amateur1 as it is entirely hidden under leaves and flowers4 ,on the kneeling surface of the bench are placed cushions rather than flowers1 because the latter stain4 ,all caterers have the necessary standards to which ribbons are tied1 like the wires to telegraph poles4 ,the top of each standard is usually decorated with a spray of white flowers4 ,at a house wedding the bride's mother stands at the door of the drawing-room--or wherever the ceremony is to be--and receives people as they arrive4 ,but the groom's mother merely takes her place near the altar with the rest of the immediate family4 ,the ushers are purely ornamental1 unless the house is so large that pews have been installed1 and the guests are seated as in a church4 ,otherwise the guests stand wherever they can find places behind the aisle ribbons4 ,just before the bride's entrance1 her mother goes forward and stands in the reserved part of the room4 ,the ushers go up to the top of the stairway4 ,the wedding march begins and the ushers come down two and two1 followed by the bridesmaids1 exactly as in a church1 the bride coming last on her father's arm4 ,the clergyman and the groom and best man have1 if possible1 reached the altar by another door4 ,if the room has only one door1 they go up the aisle a few moments before the bridal procession starts4 ,the chief difference between a church and house wedding is that the bride and groom do not take a single step together4 ,the groom meets her at the point where the service is read4 ,after the ceremony1 there is no recessional4 ,the clergyman withdraws1 an usher removes the prayer bench1 and the bride and groom merely turn where they stand1 and receive the congratulations of their guests1 unless1 of course1 the house is so big that they receive in another room4 ,illustration3 ,,an ,,attractive ,,altar ,,arrangement ,,for ,a ,,house ,,wedding4 ,page #cgd4 ,when there is no recessional1 the groom always kisses the bride before they turn to receive their guests--it is against all tradition for any one to kiss her before her husband does4 ,there are seldom many bridal attendants at a house wedding1 two to four ushers1 and one to four bridesmaids1 unless the house is an immense one4 ,in the country a house wedding includes one in a garden1 with a wedding procession under the trees1 and tables out on the lawn--a perfect plan for ,california or other rainless ,states1 but difficult to arrange on the ,atlantic seaboard where rain is too likely to spoil everything4 ,,the ,,wedding ,,in ,,assembly ,,rooms ,those whose houses are very small and yet who wish to have a general reception1 sometimes give the wedding breakfast in a hotel or assembly rooms4 ,the preparations are identical with those in a private house1 the decorations and menu may be lavish or simple4 ,although it is perfectly good form to hold a wedding reception in a ballroom1 a breakfast in a private house1 no matter how simple1 has greater distinction than the most elaborate collation in a public establishment4 ,why this is so1 is hard to determine4 ,it is probably that without a home atmosphere1 though it may be a brilliant entertainment1 the sentiment is missing4 ,,the ,,second ,,marriage ,the detail of a spinster's wedding is the same whether she marries a bachelor or a widower1 the difference being that a widower does not give a bachelor dinner4 ,the marriage of a widow is the same as that of a maid except that she cannot wear white or orange blossoms1 which are emblems of virginity1 nor does she have bridesmaids4 ,usually a widow chooses a very quiet wedding1 but there is no reason why she should not have a big wedding if she cares to1 except that somber ushers and a bride in traveling dress1 or at best a light afternoon one with a hat1 does not make an effective processional--unless she is beautiful enough to compensate for all that is missing4 ,a wedding in very best taste for a widow would be a ceremony in a small church or chapel1 a few flowers or palms in the chancel the only decoration1 and two to four ushers4 ,there are no ribboned-off seats1 as only very intimate friends are asked4 ,the bride wears an afternoon street dress and hat4 ,her dress for a church ceremony should be more conventional than if she were married at home1 where she could wear a semi-evening gown and substitute a headdress for a hat4 ,she could even wear a veil if it is colored and does not suggest the bridal white one4 ,a celebrated beauty wore for her second wedding in her own house1 a dress of gold brocade1 with a ,russian court headdress and a veil of yellow tulle down the back4 ,another wore a dress of gray and a ,dutch cap of silver lace1 and had her little girl in quaint cap and long dress1 to match her own1 as maid of honor4 ,a widow has never more than one attendant and most often none4 ,there may be a sit-down breakfast afterwards1 or the simplest afternoon tea2 in any case1 the breakfast is1 if possible1 at the bride's own house1 and the bridal pair may either stay where they are and have their guests take leave of them1 or themselves drive away afterwards4 ,very intimate friends send presents for a second marriage but general acquaintances are never expected to4 ,,summary ,,of ,,expenses ,all the expenses of a wedding belong to the bride's parents2 the invitations are issued by them1 the reception is at their house1 and the groom's family are little more than ordinary guests4 ,the cost of a wedding varies as much as the cost of anything else that one has or does4 ,a big fashionable wedding can total far up in the thousands and even the simplest entails considerable outlay1 which can1 however1 be modified by those who are capable of doing things themselves instead of employing professional service at every point4 ,,the ,,parents ,,of ,,the ,,bride ,,provide #a4 ,engraved invitations and cards4 #b4 ,the service of a professional secretary who compiles a single list from the various ones sent her1 addresses the envelopes1 both inner and outer2 encloses the proper number of cards1 seals1 stamps and mails all the invitations4 7,this item can be omitted and the work done by the family47 #c4 ,the biggest item of expense--the trousseau of the bride1 which may consist not alone of wearing apparel of endless variety and lavish detail1 but household linen of finest quality 7priceless in these days7 and in quantity sufficient for a lifetime2 or it may consist of the wedding dress1 and even that a traveling one1 and one or two others1 with barest essentials and few accessories4 #d4 ,awnings for church and house4 ,this may be omitted at the house in good weather1 at the church1 and also in the country4 #e4 ,decorations of church and house4 ,cost can be eliminated by amateurs using garden or field flowers4 #f4 ,choir1 soloists and organist at church4 7,choir and soloists unnecessary47 #g4 ,orchestra at house4 7,this may mean fifty pieces with two leaders or it may mean a piano1 violin and drum1 or a violin1 harp and guitar47 #h4 ,carriages or motors for the bridal party from house to church and back4 #i4 ,the collation1 which may be the most elaborate sit-down luncheon or the simplest afternoon tea4 #aj4 ,boxes of wedding cake4 #aa4 ,champagne--used to be one of the biggest items1 as a fashionable wedding without plenty of it was unheard of4 ,perhaps though1 pocketbooks may have less relief on account of its omission than would at first seem probable1 since what is saved on the wine bill is made up for on the additional food necessary to make the best wineless menu seem other than meagre4 #ab4 ,the bride's presents to her bridesmaids4 7,may be jewels of value or trinkets of trifling cost47 #ac4 ,a wedding present to the bride from each member of her family--not counting her trousseau which is merely part of the wedding4 #ad4 ,the bride gives a wedding present or a wedding ring or both to the groom1 if she especially wants to4 7,not necessary nor even customary47 ,,the ,,groom',s ,,expenses ,,are #a4 ,the engagement ring--as handsome as he can possibly afford4 #b4 ,a wedding present--jewels if he is able1 always something for her personal adornment4 #c4 ,his bachelor dinner4 #d4 ,the marriage license4 #e4 ,a personal gift to his best man and each of his ushers4 #f4 ,to each of the above he gives their wedding ties1 gloves and boutonnires4 #g4 ,the bouquet carried by the bride4 ,in many cities it is said to be the custom for the bride to send boutonnires to the ushers and for the groom to order the bouquets of the bridesmaids4 ,in ,new ,york's smart world1 the bridesmaids' bouquets are looked upon as part of the decorative arrangement1 all of which is in the province of the bride's parents4 #h4 ,the wedding ring4 #i4 ,the clergyman's fee4 #aj4 ,from the moment the bride and groom start off on their wedding trip1 all the expenditure becomes his4 ,,wedding ,,anniversaries #a year1 paper #e years1 wood #aj years1 tin #ae years1 crystal #bj years1 china #be years1 silver #ej years1 gold #ge years1 diamond ,wedding anniversaries are celebrated in any number of ways4 ,the party may be one of two alone or it may be a dance4 ,most often it is a dinner1 and occasionally1 an afternoon tea4 ,in ,germany a silver wedding is a very important event and a great celebration is made of it1 but in ,america it is not very good form to ask any but intimate friends and family to an anniversary party--especially as those bidden are supposed to send presents4 ,these need not1 however1 be of value2 in fact the paper1 wooden and tin wedding presents are seldom anything but jokes4 ,crystal is the earliest that is likely to be taken seriously by the gift-bearers4 ,silver is always serious1 and the golden wedding a quite sacred event4 ,most usually this last occasion is celebrated by a large family dinner to which all the children and grandchildren are bidden4 ,or the married couple perhaps choose an afternoon at home and receive their friends and neighbors1 who are1 of course1 supposed to brings presents made of gold4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii ,,christenings ,a child can1 of course1 be christened without making a festivity of it at all--just as two people can be married with none but the clergyman and two witnesses--but nearly every mother takes this occasion to see her friends and show her baby to them4 ,invitations to a christening are never formal1 because none but the family and a very few intimate friends are supposed to be asked4 ,in this day invitations are nearly all sent over the telephone1 except to those who are at a distance1 or else friends are asked verbally when seen2 but it is both correct and polite to write notes4 ,such as3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,kindhart3 ,the baby is to be christened here at home1 next ,sunday at half past four1 and we hope you and ,mr4 ,kindhart--and the children if they care to--will come4 ,affectionately1 ,lucy ,gilding4 ,if a telephone message is sent1 the form is3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding1 ,jr4 would like ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,norman to come to the baby's christening on ,sunday at half past four1 at their house4 ,,asking ,,the ,,godparents ,before setting the date for the christening1 the godmothers 7two for a girl and one for a boy7 and the godfathers 7two for a boy and one for a girl7 have1 of course1 already been chosen4 ,if a godfather 7or mother7 after having given his consent is abroad or otherwise out of reach at the time of the christening1 a proxy takes part in the ceremony instead1 and without thereby becoming a godfather4 ,since godparents are always most intimate friends1 it is natural to ask them when they come to see the mother and the baby 7which they probably do often7 or to write them if at a distance4 ,sometimes they are asked at the same time that the baby's arrival is announced to them1 occasionally even before4 ,the ,gilding baby1 for instance1 supposedly sent the following telegram3 ,mrs4 ,richard ,worldly1 ,great ,estates4 ,i arrived last night and my mother and father were very glad to see me1 and ,i am now eagerly waiting to see you4 ,your loving godson1 ,robert ,gilding1 #c;d4 ,but more usually a godparent at a distance is telegraphed3 ,john ,strong1 ,equitrust1 ,paris4 ,it's a boy4 ,will you be godfather8 ,gilding4 ,but in any case a formally worded request is out of place4 ,do not write3 ,my husband and ,i sincerely hope that you will consent to be our son's godmother1 etc4 ,any one so slightly known as this wording implies would not be asked to fill so close a position as that of godmother without great presumption on your part4 ,you must never ask any one to be a godmother or godfather whom you do not know intimately well1 as it is a responsibility not lightly to be undertaken and impossible to refuse4 ,godparents should1 however1 be chosen from among friends rather than relatives1 since the sole advantage of godparents is that they add to the child's relatives1 so that if it should be left alone in the world1 its godparents become its protectors4 ,but where a child is born with plenty of relatives who can be called upon for advice and affection and assistance in event of his or her becoming an orphan1 godparents are often chosen from among them4 ,nothing could be more senseless1 however1 than choosing grandparents1 since the relationship is as close as can be anyway1 and the chances that the parents will outlive their own parents make such a choice still more unsuitable4 ,in ,france1 the godmother is considered1 next to the parents and grandparents1 the nearest relative a child can have4 ,in some ,european countries1 the ,queen or another who is above the parents in rank1 assumes a special protectorate over her godchild4 ,in this instance the godmother appoints herself4 ,in ,america a similar situation cannot very well exist2 though on rare occasions an employer volunteers to stand as godfather for an employee's child4 ,godparents must1 of course1 give the baby a present1 if not before1 at least at the christening4 ,the standard gift is a silver mug1 a porringer1 or a knife1 fork and spoon1 marked usually with the baby's name and that of the giver4 ,robert ,gilding1 #c;d ,from his godfather ,john ,strong ,or the presents may be anything else they fancy4 ,in ,new ,england a very rich godfather sometimes gives the baby a bond which is kept with interest intact until a girl is eighteen or a boy twenty-one4 ,,time ,,of ,,christening ,in other days of stricter observances a baby was baptized in the ,catholic and high ,episcopal church on the first or at least second ,sunday after its birth4 ,but to-day the christening is usually delayed at least until the young mother is up and about again2 often it is put off for months and in some denominations children need not be christened until they are several years old4 ,the most usual age is from two to six months4 ,if the family is very high church or the baby is delicate and its christening therefore takes place when it is only a week or two old1 the mother is carried into the drawing-room and put on a sofa near the improvised font4 ,she is dressed in a becoming neglig and perhaps a cap1 and with lace pillows behind her and a cover equally decorative over her feet4 ,the guests in this event are only the family and the fewest possible intimate friends4 ,,the ,,christening ,,in ,,church ,in arranging for the ceremony the clergyman1 of course1 is consulted and the place and hour arranged4 ,if it is to be in church1 it can take place at the close of the regular service on ,sunday1 but if a good deal is to be made of the christening1 a week day is chosen and an hour when the church is not being otherwise used4 ,the decorations1 if any at all1 consist of a few palms or some flowering plants grouped around the font1 and the guests invited for the christening take places in the pews which are nearest to the font1 wherever that happens to be4 ,as soon as the clergyman appears1 the baby's coat and cap are taken off 7in any convenient pew1 not necessarily the nearest one71 and the godmother1 holding the baby in her arms1 stands directly in front of the clergyman4 ,the other godparents stand beside her and other relatives and friends nearby4 ,the godmother who is holding the baby must be sure to pronounce its name distinctly--in fact it is a wise precaution if it is a long or an unusual one1 to show the name printed on a slip of paper to the clergyman beforehand--as more than one baby has been given a name not intended for it4 ,and whatever name the clergyman pronounces is fixed for life4 ,the little ,town girl who was to have been called ,marian is actually ,mary ,ann6 ,as soon as the ceremony is over1 the godmother hands the baby back to its nurse1 who puts on its cap and coat1 and it is then driven with all its relatives and friends to the house of its parents or grandparents1 where a lunch or an afternoon tea has been arranged4 ,,house ,,christening ,unless forbidden by the church to which the baby's parents belong1 the house christening is by far the easier1 safer and prettier4 ,easier1 because the baby does not have to have wraps put on and off and be taken out and brought in2 safer1 because it is not apt to catch cold2 and prettier1 for a dozen reasons4 ,the baby in the first place looks much prettier in a dress that has not been crushed by having a coat put over it and taken off and put on and off again4 ,in the second place1 a baby brought down from the nursery without any fussing is generally good1 whereas one that has been dressed and undressed and taken hither and yon is apt to be upset and therefore to cry4 ,if it cries in church it just has to cry6 ,in a house it can be taken into another room and be brought back again after it has been made more comfortable4 ,it is trying to a young mother who is proud of her baby's looks1 to go to no end of trouble to get exquisite clothes for it1 and ask all her friends in1 and then have it look exactly like a tragedy mask carved in a beet6 ,and you can scarcely expect a self-respecting baby who is hauled and mauled and taken to a strange place and handed to a strange person who pours cold water on it--not to protest4 ,and alas6 it has only one means4 ,the arrangements made for a house christening are something like those made for a house wedding--only much simpler4 ,the drawing-room or wherever the ceremony is to be performed is often decorated with pots of pale pink roses1 or daisies1 or branches of dogwood or white lilacs4 ,nothing is prettier than the blossoms of fruit trees 7if they can be persuaded to keep their petals on7 or any other spring flowers4 ,in summer there are all the garden flowers4 ,in autumn1 cosmos and white chrysanthemums1 or at any season1 baby's breath and roses4 ,the font is always a bowl--of silver usually--put on a small high table4 ,a white napkin on the table inevitably suggests a restaurant rather than a ritual and is therefore unfortunate1 and most people of taste prefer to have the table covered with old church brocade and an arrangement of flowers either standing behind or laid upon it so that the stems are toward the center and covered by the base of the bowl4 ,if the clergyman is to wear vestments1 a room must be put at his disposal4 ,at the hour set for the ceremony1 the clergyman enters the room first and takes his place at the font4 ,the guests naturally make way1 forming an open aisle4 ,if not1 the baby's father or another member of the family clears an aisle4 ,the godmother carries the baby and follows the clergyman2 the other two godparents walk behind her1 and all three stand near the font4 ,at the proper moment the clergyman takes the baby1 baptizes it and hands it back to the godmother1 who holds it until the ceremony is over4 ,,the ,,christening ,,dress ,the christening dress is always especially elaborate and beautiful4 ,often it is one that was worn by the baby's mother1 father1 or even its grand or great-grandparent4 ,baby clothes should be as sheer as possible and as soft4 ,the ideal dress is of mull with much or little valenciennes lace 7real7 and finest hand embroidery4 ,but however much or little its trimming1 it must be exquisite in texture4 ,in fact1 everything for a baby ought to be hand-made4 ,it can be as plain as a charity garment1 but of fine material and tiny hand stitches4 ,if the baby is very little1 it is usually laid on a lace trimmed pillow4 7,this lace1 too1 must be valenciennes47 ,the godmother or godmothers should wear the sort of clothes that they would wear at an afternoon tea4 ,the godfather or fathers should wear formal afternoon clothes4 ,the other guests wear ordinary afternoon clothes and the mother--unless on the sofa--wears a light-colored afternoon dress4 ,she should not wear black on this occasion4 ,as soon as the ceremony is performed1 the clergyman goes to the room that was set apart for him1 changes into his ordinary clothes and then returns to the drawing-room to be one of the guests at luncheon or tea4 ,the godmother hands the baby to the nurse1 or maybe to its mother1 and everyone gathers around to admire it4 ,and the party becomes exactly like every informal afternoon tea4 ,the only difference between an ordinary informal tea and a christening is that a feature of the latter is a christening cake and caudle4 ,the christening cake is generally a white lady cake elaborately iced1 sometimes with the baby's initials1 and garlands of pink sugar roses4 ,and although according to cook-books caudle is a gruel1 the actual caudle invariably served at christenings is a hot eggnog1 drunk out of little punch cups4 ,one is supposed to eat the cake as a sign that one partakes of the baby's hospitality1 and is therefore its friend1 and to drink the caudle to its health and prosperity4 ,but by this time the young host 7or hostess7 is peacefully asleep in the nursery4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv ,,funerals ,at no time does solemnity so possess our souls as when we stand deserted at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone4 ,and the last place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in the seeming artificiality of etiquette2 yet it is in the moment of deepest sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service4 ,all set rules for social observance have for their object the smoothing of personal contacts1 and in nothing is smoothness so necessary as in observing the solemn rites accorded our dead4 ,it is the time-worn servitor1 ,etiquette1 who draws the shades1 who muffles the bell1 who keeps the house quiet1 who hushes voices and footsteps and sudden noises2 who stands between well-meaning and importunate outsiders and the retirement of the bereaved2 who decrees that the last rites shall be performed smoothly and with beauty and gravity1 so that the poignancy of grief may in so far as possible be assuaged4 ,,first ,,details ,as soon as death occurs1 some one 7the trained nurse usually7 draws the blinds in the sick-room and tells a servant to draw all the blinds of the house4 ,if they are not already present1 the first act of some one at the bedside is to telephone or telegraph the immediate members of the family1 the clergyman and the sexton of the church to which the family belong1 and possibly one or two closest friends1 whose competence and sympathy can be counted on--as there are many things which must be done for the stricken family as well as for the deceased4 7,the sexton of nearly every ,protestant church is also undertaker4 ,if he is not1 then an outside funeral director is sent for47 ,if the illness has been a long one1 it may be that the family has become attached to the trained nurse and no one is better fitted than she to turn her ministrations from the one whom she can no longer help1 to those who have now very real need of just such care as she can give4 ,if the death was sudden1 or the nurse unsympathetic or for other reasons unavailable1 then a relative or a near friend of practical sympathy is the ideal attendant in charge4 ,,consideration ,,for ,,the ,,family ,persons under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically4 ,no matter how calm and controlled they seemingly may be1 no one can under such circumstances be normal4 ,their disturbed circulation makes them cold1 their distress makes them unstrung1 sleepless4 ,persons they normally like1 they often turn from4 ,no one should ever be forced upon those in grief1 and all over-emotional people1 no matter how near or dear1 should be barred absolutely4 ,although the knowledge that their friends love them and sorrow for them is a great solace1 the nearest afflicted must be protected from any one or anything which is likely to overstrain nerves already at the threatening point1 and none have the right to feel hurt if they are told they can neither be of use nor be received4 ,at such a time1 to some people companionship is a comfort1 others shrink from dearest friends4 ,one who is by choice or accident selected to come in contact with those in new affliction should1 like a trained nurse1 banish all consciousness of self2 otherwise he or she will be or no service--and service is the only gift of value that can be offered4 ,,first ,,aid ,,to ,,the ,,bereaved ,first of all1 the ones in sorrow should be urged if possible to sit in a sunny room and where there is an open fire4 ,if they feel unequal to going to the table1 a very little food should be taken to them on a tray4 ,a cup of tea or coffee or bouillon1 a little thin toast1 a poached egg1 milk if they like it hot1 or milk toast4 ,cold milk is bad for one who is already over-chilled4 ,the cook may suggest something that appeals usually to their taste--but very little should be offered at a time1 for although the stomach may be empty1 the palate rejects the thought of food1 and digestion is never in best order4 ,it sounds paradoxical to say that those in sorrow should be protected from all contacts1 and yet that they must be constantly asked about arrangements and given little time to remain utterly undisturbed4 ,they must think of people they want sent for1 and they must decide the details of the funeral2 when they would like it held1 and whether in church or at the house1 whether they want special music or flowers ordered1 and where the interment is to be4 ,,on ,,duty ,,at ,,door ,a friend or a servant is always stationed in the hall to open the door1 receive notes and cards1 and to take messages4 ,in a big house the butler in his day clothes should answer the bell1 with the parlor-maid to assist him1 until a footman can procure a black livery and take his or her place4 ,a parlor-maid or waitress at the door should wear either a black or gray dress1 with her plainest white apron1 collar and cuffs4 ,,member ,,of ,,family ,,in ,,charge ,a close friend or male member of the family should be--if not at the door--as near the front hall as possible to see the countless people with whom details have to be arranged1 to admit to a member of the family anyone they may want to see1 and to give news to1 or take messages from1 others4 ,as people come to the house to enquire and offer their services1 he gives them commissions the occasion requires4 ,the first friend who hurries to the house 7in answer to the telephone message which announced the death7 is asked to break the news to an invalid connection of the family1 or he may be sent to the florist to order the bell hung1 or to the station to meet a child arriving from school4 ,,notice ,,to ,,papers ,the sexton 7or other funeral director7 sends the notices to the daily papers announcing the death1 and the time and place of the funeral4 ,the form is generally selected by a member of the family from among those appearing in that day's newspapers4 ,these notices are paid for by the sexton and put on his bill4 ,with the exception of the telephone messages or telegrams to relatives and very intimate friends1 no other notices are sent out4 ,only those persons who are expected to go to the house at once have messages sent to them2 all others are supposed to read the notice in the papers4 ,when the notice reads funeral private and neither place nor time is given1 very intimate friends are supposed to ask for these details at the house2 others understand they are not expected4 ,,hanging ,,the ,,bell ,as a rule the funeral director hangs crepe streamers on the bell2 white ones for a child1 black and white for a young person1 or black for an older person4 ,this signifies to the passerby that it is a house of mourning so that the bell will not be rung unnecessarily nor long4 ,if they prefer1 the family sometimes orders a florist to hang a bunch of violets or other purple flowers on black ribbon streamers1 for a grown person2 or white violets1 white carnations--any white flower without leaves--on the black ribbon for a young woman or man2 or white flowers on white gauze or ribbon for a child4 ,,checking ,,expenses ,,in ,,advance ,it is curious that long association with the sadness of death seems to have deprived an occasional funeral director of all sense of moderation4 ,whether the temptation of good business gradually undermines his character--knowing as he does that bereaved families ask no questions--or whether his profession is merely devoid of taste1 he will1 if not checked1 bring the most ornate and expensive casket in his establishment3 he will perform every rite that his professional ingenuity for expenditure can devise2 he will employ every attendant he has2 he will order vehicles numerous enough for the cortge of a president2 he will even1 if thrown in contact with a bewildered chief-mourner1 secure a pledge for the erection of an elaborate mausoleum4 ,some one1 therefore1 who has the family's interest at heart and knows their taste and purse1 should go personally to the establishment of the undertaker1 and not only select the coffin1 but go carefully into the specification of all other details1 so that everything necessary may be arranged for1 and unnecessary items omitted4 ,this does not imply that a family that prefers a very elaborate funeral should not be allowed to have one2 but the great majority of people have moderate1 rather than unlimited means1 and it is not unheard of that a small estate is seriously depleted by vulgarly lavish and entirely inappropriate funeral expenses4 ,one would be a poor sort who for the sake of friends would not willingly endure a little troublesome inquiry1 rather than witness a display of splurge and bad taste and realize at the same time that the friends who might have been protected will be deluged with bills which it cannot but embarrass them to pay4 ,,honorary ,,pallbearers ,the member of the family who is in charge will ask either when they come to the house1 or by telephone or telegraph if they are at a distance1 six or eight men who are close friends of the deceased to be the pallbearers4 ,when a man has been prominent in public life1 he may have twelve or more from among his political or business associates as well as his lifelong social friends4 ,near relatives are never chosen1 as their place is with the women of the family4 ,for a young woman1 her own friends or those of her family are chosen4 ,it is a service that may not under any circumstances except serious ill-health1 be refused4 ,the one in charge will tell the pallbearers where they are to meet4 ,it used to be customary for them to go to the house on the morning of the funeral and drive to the church behind the hearse1 but as everything tending to a conspicuous procession is being gradually done away with1 it is often preferred to have them wait in the vestibule of the church4 ,honorary pallbearers serve only at church funerals2 ,they do not carry the coffin for the reason that1 being unaccustomed to bearing such a burden1 one of them might possibly stumble1 or at least give an impression of uncertainty or awkwardness that might detract from the solemnity of the occasion4 ,the sexton's assistants are trained for this service1 so as to prevent in so far as is humanly possible a blundering occurrence4 ,,mourning ,,for ,,funeral ,among those who come to the house there is sure to be a woman friend of the family whose taste and method of expenditure is similar to theirs4 ,she looks through the clothes they have1 to see if there is not a black dress or suit that can be used1 and makes a list of only the necessary articles which will have to be procured4 ,all dressmaking establishments give precedence to mourning orders and will fill a commission within twenty-four hours4 ,these first things are made invariably without bothering the wearer with fitting4 ,alterations1 if required1 are made later4 ,or the mourning departments of the big stores and specialty shops are always willing to send a selection on approval1 so that a choice can be made by the family in the privacy of their own rooms4 ,nearly always acquaintances who are themselves in mourning offer to lend crepe veils1 toques and wraps1 so that the garments which must be bought at first may be as few as possible4 ,most women have a plain black suit1 or dress1 the trimming of which can quickly be replaced with crepe by a maid or a friend4 ,most men are of standard size and can go to a clothier and buy a ready-made black suit4 ,otherwise they must borrow1 or wear what they have1 as no tailor can make a suit in twenty-four hours4 ,,sitting ,,up ,,no ,,longer ,,customary ,unless the deceased was a prelate or personage whose lying-in-state is a public ceremony1 or unless it is the especial wish of the relatives1 the solemn vigil through long nights by the side of the coffin is no longer essential as a mark of veneration or love for the departed4 ,nor is the soulless body dressed in elaborate trappings of farewell grandeur4 ,everything to-day is done to avoid unnecessary evidence of the change that has taken place4 ,in case of a very small funeral the person who has passed away is sometimes left lying in bed in night clothes1 or on a sofa in a wrapper1 with flowers1 but no set pieces1 about the room1 so that an invalid or other sensitive bereft one may say farewell without ever seeing the all too definite finality of a coffin4 ,in any event the last attentions are paid in accordance with the wish of those most nearly concerned4 ,,extra ,,work ,,for ,,servants ,kindness of heart is latent in all of us1 and servants1 even if they have not been long with a family1 rise to the emergency of such a time as that of a funeral1 which always puts additional work upon them and often leaves them to manage under their own initiative4 ,the house is always full of people1 family and intimate friends occupy all available accommodation1 but it is a rare household which does not give sympathy as generously below stairs as above2 and he or she would be thought very heartless by their companions who did not willingly and helpfully assume a just share of the temporary tax on energy1 time and consideration4 ,,church ,,funeral ,the church funeral is the more trying1 in that the family have to leave the seclusion of their house and face a congregation4 ,on the other hand1 many who find solemnity only in a church service with the added beauty of choir and organ1 prefer to take their heartrending farewell in the ,house of ,god4 ,,arranging ,,and ,,recording ,,flowers ,an hour before the time for the service1 if the family is ,protestant1 one or two woman friends go to the church to arrange the flowers which are placed about the chancel4 ,unless they have had unusual practise in such arrangement they should1 if possible1 have the assistance of a florist1 as effective grouping and fastening of heavy wreaths and sprays is apt to overtax the ingenuity of novices1 no matter how perfect their usual taste may be4 ,whoever takes charge of the flowers must be sure to collect carefully all the notes and cards4 ,they should always take extra pencils in case the points break1 and write on the outside of each envelope a description of the flowers that the card was sent with4 ,spray of ,easter lilies and palm branches tied with white ribbon4 ,wreath of laurel leaves and gardenias4 ,long sheaf of pink roses and white lilacs4 ,these descriptions will afterwards help identify and recall the flowers when notes of thanks are sent4 ,as the appointed time for the funeral draws near1 the organ plays softly1 the congregation gradually fills the church4 ,the first pews on either side of the center aisle are left empty4 ,,the ,,processional ,at the appointed time the funeral procession forms in the vestibule4 ,if there is to be a choral service the minister and the choir enter the church from the rear1 and precede the funeral cortge4 ,directly after the choir and clergy come the pallbearers1 two by two1 then the coffin covered with flowers and then the family--the chief mourner comes first1 leaning upon the arm of her closest male relative4 ,usually each man is escort for a woman1 but two women or two men may walk together according to the division of the family4 ,if the deceased is one of four sons where there is no daughter1 the mother and father walk immediately behind the body of their child1 followed by the two elder sons and behind them the younger1 with the nearest woman relative4 ,if there is a grandmother1 she walks with the eldest son and the younger two follow together4 ,if it is a family of daughters who are following their father1 the eldest daughter may walk with her mother1 or the mother may walk with her brother1 or a son-in-law4 ,although the arrangement of the procession is thus fixed1 those in affliction should be placed next to the one whose nearness may be of most comfort to them4 ,a younger child who is calm and soothing would better be next to his mother than an older who is of more nervous temperament4 ,at the funeral of a woman1 her husband sometimes walks alone1 but usually with his mother or his daughter4 ,a very few intimate friends walk at the rear of the family1 followed by the servants of the household4 ,at the chancel the choir take their accustomed places1 the minister stands at the foot of the chancel steps1 the honorary pallbearers take their places in the front pews on the left1 and the coffin is set upon a stand previously placed there for the purpose4 ,the bearers of the coffin walk quietly around to inconspicuous stations on a side aisle4 ,the family occupy the front pews on the right1 the rest of the procession fill vacant places on either side4 ,the service is then read4 ,,the ,,recessional ,upon the conclusion of the service1 the procession moves out in the same order as it came in excepting that the choir remain in their places and the honorary pallbearers go first4 ,outside the church1 the coffin is put into the hearse1 the family getting into carriages or motors waiting immediately behind1 and the flowers are put into a covered vehicle4 7,it is very vulgar to fill open landaus with displayed floral offerings and parade through the streets47 ,,few ,,go ,,to ,,the ,,burial ,if the burial is in the churchyard or otherwise within walking distance1 the congregation naturally follows the family to the graveside4 ,otherwise1 the general congregation no longer expects1 nor wishes1 to go to the interment which 7excepting at a funeral of public importance7 is witnessed only by the immediate family and the most intimate friends1 who are asked if they care to go4 ,the long line of carriages that used to stand at the church ready to be filled with a long file of mere acquaintances is a barbarous thing of the past4 ,,house ,,funeral ,many people prefer a house funeral--it is simpler1 more private1 and obviates the necessity for those in sorrow to face people4 ,the nearest relatives may stay apart in an adjoining room or even upon the upper floor1 where they can hear the service but remain in unseen seclusion4 ,ladies keep their wraps on4 ,gentlemen wear their overcoats or carry them on their arms and hold their hats in their hands4 ,,music ,to many people there is lack of solemnity in a service outside of a church and lacking the accompaniment of the organ4 ,it is almost impossible to introduce orchestral music that does not sound either dangerously suggestive of the gaiety of entertainment or else thin and flat4 ,a quartet or choral singing is beautiful and appropriate1 if available1 otherwise there is usually no music at a house funeral4 ,,house ,,arrangement ,some authorities say that only the flowers sent by very close friends should be shown at a house funeral1 and that it is ostentatious to make a display4 ,but when people1 or societies1 have been kind enough to send flowers1 it would certainly be wanting in appreciation1 to say the least1 to relegate their offerings to the back yard--or wherever it is that the cavilers would have them hid6 ,in a small house where flowers would be overpowering1 it is customary to insert in the death notice3 ,it is requested that no flowers be sent1 or ,kindly omit flowers4 ,arrangement for the service is usually made in the drawing-room1 and the coffin is placed in front of the mantel1 or between the windows1 but always at a distance from the door1 usually on stands brought by the funeral director1 who also brings enough camp chairs to fill the room without crowding4 ,a friend1 or a member of the family1 collects the cards and arranges the flowers behind and at the side and against the stands of the coffin4 ,if there is to be a blanket or pall of smilax or other leaves with or without flowers1 fastened to a frame1 or sewed on thin material and made into a covering1 it is always ordered by the family4 ,otherwise1 the wreaths to be placed on the coffin are chosen from among those sent by the family4 ,,the ,,service ,as friends arrive1 they are shown to the room where the ceremony is to be held1 but they take their own places4 ,a room must be apportioned to the minister in which to put on his vestments4 ,at the hour set for the funeral the immediate family1 if they feel like being present1 take their places in the front row of chairs4 ,the women wear small hats or toques and long crepe veils over their faces1 so that their countenances may be hidden4 ,the minister takes his stand at the head of the coffin and reads the service4 ,at its conclusion the coffin is carried out to the hearse1 which1 followed by a small number of carriages1 proceeds to the cemetery4 ,it is very rare nowadays for any but a small group of relatives and intimate men friends to go to the cemetery1 and it is not thought unloving or slighting of the dead for no women at all to be at the graveside4 ,if any women are to be present and the interment is to be in the ground1 some one should order the grave lined with boughs and green branches--to lessen the impression of bare earth4 ,,distant ,,country ,,funeral ,in the country where relatives and friends arrive by train1 carriages or motors must be provided to convey them to the house or church or cemetery4 ,if the clergyman has no conveyance of his own1 he must always be sent for1 and if the funeral is in a house1 a room must be set apart for him in which to change his clothes4 ,it is unusual for a family to provide a special car4 ,sometimes the hour of the funeral is announced in the papers as taking place on the arrival of a certain train1 but everyone who attends is expected to pay his own railway fare and make1 if necessary1 his own arrangements for lunch4 ,only when the country place where the funeral is held is at a distance from town and a long drive from the railway station1 a light repast of bouillon1 rolls and tea and sandwiches may be spread on the dining-room table4 ,otherwise refreshments are never offered--except to those of the family1 of course1 who are staying in the house4 ,,house ,,restored ,,to ,,order ,while the funeral cortge is still at the cemetery1 some one who is in charge at home must see that the mourning emblem is taken off the bell1 that the windows are opened1 the house aired from the excessive odor of flowers1 and the blinds pulled up4 ,any furniture that has been displaced should be put back where it belongs1 and unless the day is too hot a fire should be lighted in the library or principal bedroom to make a little more cheerful the sad home-coming of the family4 ,it is also well to prepare a little hot tea or broth1 and it should be brought them upon their return without their being asked if they would care for it4 ,those who are in great distress want no food1 but if it is handed to them1 they will mechanically take it1 and something warm to start digestion and stimulate impaired circulation is what they most need4 ,,mourning ,a generation or two ago the regulations for mourning were definitely prescribed1 definite periods according to the precise degree of relationship of the mourner4 ,one's real feelings1 whether of grief or comparative indifference1 had nothing to do with the outward manifestation one was obliged1 in decency1 to show4 ,the tendency to-day is toward sincerity4 ,people do not put on black for aunts1 uncles and cousins unless there is a deep tie of affection as well as of blood4 ,many persons to-day do not believe in going into mourning at all4 ,there are some who believe1 as do the races of the ,east1 that great love should be expressed in rejoicing in the re-birth of a beloved spirit instead of selfishly mourning their own earthly loss4 ,but many who object to manifestations of grief1 find themselves impelled to wear mourning when their sorrow comes and the number of those who do not put on black is still comparatively small4 ,,protection ,,of ,,mourning ,if you see acquaintances of yours in deepest mourning1 it does not occur to you to go up to them and babble trivial topics or ask them to a dance or dinner4 ,if you pass close to them1 irresistible sympathy compels you merely to stop and press their hand and pass on4 ,a widow1 or mother1 in the newness of her long veil1 has her hard path made as little difficult as possible by everyone with whom she comes in contact1 no matter on what errand she may be bent4 ,a clerk in a store will try to wait on her as quickly and as attentively as possible4 ,acquaintances avoid stopping her with long conversation that could not but torture and distress her4 ,she meets small kindnesses at every turn1 which save unnecessary jars to supersensitive nerves4 ,once in a great while1 a tactless person may have no better sense than to ask her abruptly for whom she is in mourning6 ,such people would not hesitate to walk over the graves in a cemetery6 ,and fortunately1 such encounters are few4 ,since many people1 however1 dislike long mourning veils and all crepe generally1 it is absolutely correct to omit both if preferred1 and to wear an untrimmed coat and hat of plainest black with or without a veil4 ,a ,,word ,,of ,,economy ,in the first days of stress1 people sometimes give away every colored article they possess and not until later are they aware of the effort necessary1 to say nothing of the expense1 of getting an entire new wardrobe4 ,therefore it is well to remember3 ,dresses and suits can be dyed without ripping4 ,any number of fabrics--all woolens1 soft silks1 canton crepe1 georgette and chiffon1 dye perfectly4 ,buttonholes have sometimes to be re-worked1 snaps or hooks and eyes changed to black1 a bit of trimming taken off or covered with dull braid1 silk or crepe1 and the clothes look every bit as well as though newly ordered4 ,straw hats can be painted with an easily applied stain sold in every drug and department store for the purpose4 ,if you cannot trim hats yourself1 a milliner can easily imitate1 or1 if necessary1 simplify the general outline of the trimming as it was1 and a seamstress can easily cover dyed trimmings on dresses with crepe or dull silk4 ,also tan shoes--nearly all footwear made of leather--can be dyed black and made to look like new by any first class shoemaker4 ,,mourning ,,materials ,lustreless silks1 such as crepe de chine1 georgette1 chiffon1 grosgrain1 peau de soie1 dull finish charmeuse and taffeta1 and all plain woolen materials1 are suitable for deepest mourning4 ,uncut velvet is as deep mourning as crepe1 but cut velvet is not mourning at all6 ,nor is satin or lace4 ,the only lace permissible is a plain or hemstitched net known as footing4 ,fancy weaves in stockings are not mourning1 nor is bright jet or silver4 ,a very perplexing decree is that clothes entirely of white are deepest mourning but the addition of a black belt or hat or gloves produces second mourning4 ,patent leather and satin shoes are not mourning4 ,people in second mourning wear all combinations of black and white as well as clothes of gray and mauve4 ,many of the laws for materials seem arbitrary1 and people interpret them with greater freedom than they used to1 but never under any circumstances can one who is not entirely in colors wear satin embroidered in silver or trimmed with jet and lace6 ,with the exception of wearing a small string of pearls and a single ring1 especially if it is an engagement ring1 jewelry with deepest mourning is never in good taste4 ,,when ,a ,,veil ,,is ,,not ,,worn ,nor should a woman ever wear a crepe veil to the theater or restaurant1 or any public place of amusement4 ,on the other hand1 people left long to themselves and their own thoughts grow easily morbid1 and the opera or concert or an interesting play may exert a beneficial relaxation4 ,gay restaurants with thumping strident musical accompaniment or entertainments of the cabaret variety1 need scarcely be commented upon4 ,but to go to a matine with a close friend or relative is becoming more and more usual--and the picture theaters where one may sit in the obscurity and be diverted by the story on the silver screen which1 requiring no mental effort1 often diverts a sad mind for an hour or so1 is an undeniable blessing4 ,an observer would have to be much at a loss for material who could find anything to criticise in seeing a family together under such circumstances4 ,one generally leaves off a long veil1 however1 for such an occasion and drives bareheaded1 if it be evening1 or substitutes a short black face veil over one's hat on entering and leaving a building in the daytime4 ,,mourning ,,for ,,country ,,wear ,except for church1 crepe veils and clothes heavily trimmed with crepe are not appropriate in the country--ever6 ,mourning clothes for the summer consist of plain black serge or tweed1 silk or cotton material1 all black with white organdy collar and cuffs1 and a veil-less hat with a brim4 ,or one may dress entirely in dull materials of white4 ,a ,,widow',s ,,mourning ,a widow used never to wear any but woolen materials1 made as plain as possible1 with deep-hemmed turn-back cuffs and collar of white organdy4 ,on the street she wore a small crepe bonnet with a little cap-border of white crepe or organdy and a long veil of crepe or nun's veiling to the bottom edge of her skirt1 over her face as well as down her back4 ,at the end of three months the front veil was put back from over her face1 but the long veil was worn two years at least1 and frequently for life4 ,these details are identical with those prescribed to-day excepting that she may wear lustreless silks as well as wool1 the duration of mourning may be shorter1 and she need never wear her veil over her face except at the funeral unless she chooses4 ,a widow of mature years who follows old-fashioned conventions wears deep mourning with crepe veil two years1 black the third year and second mourning the fourth4 ,but shorter periods of mourning are becoming more and more the custom and many consider three or even two years conventional4 ,,the ,,very ,,young ,,widow ,the young widow should wear deep crepe for a year and then lighter mourning for six months and second mourning for six months longer4 ,there is nothing more utterly captivating than a sweet young face under a widow's veil1 and it is not to be wondered at that her own loneliness and need of sympathy1 combined with all that is appealing to sympathy in a man1 results in the healing of her heart4 ,she should1 however1 never remain in mourning for her first husband after she has decided she can be consoled by a second4 ,there is no reason why a woman 7or a man7 should not find such consolation1 but she should keep the intruding attraction away from her thoughts until the year of respect is up1 after which she is free to put on colors and make happier plans4 ,,mourning ,,worn ,,by ,a ,,mother ,a mother who has lost a grown child wears the same mourning as that prescribed for a widow excepting the white cap ruche4 ,some mothers wear mourning for their children always1 others do not believe in being long in black for a spirit that was young1 and1 for babies or very young children1 wear colorless clothes of white or gray or mauve4 ,a ,,daughter ,,or ,,sister ,a daughter or sister wears a long veil over her face at the funeral4 ,the length of the veil may be to her waist or to the hem of her skirt1 and it is worn for from three months to a year1 according to her age and feelings4 ,an older woman wears deep black for her parents1 sisters and brothers for a year1 and then lightens her mourning during the second year4 ,a young girl1 if she is out in society or in college1 may wear a long veil for her parents or her betrothed1 if she wants to1 or she wears a thin net veil edged with crepe and the corners falling a short way down her back--or none at all4 ,very young girls of from fourteen to eighteen wear black for three months and then six months of black and white4 ,they never wear veils of any sort1 nor are their clothes trimmed in crepe4 ,children from eight to fourteen wear black and white and gray for six months for a parent1 brother1 sister or grandparent4 ,young children are rarely put into mourning1 though their clothes are often selected to avoid vivid color4 ,they usually wear white with no black except a hair ribbon for the girls and a necktie for the boys4 ,very little children in black are too pitiful4 ,,extreme ,,fashion ,,inappropriate ,fancy clothes in mourning are always offenses against good taste1 because as the word implies1 a person is in mourning4 ,to have the impression of fashion dominant is contrary to the purpose of somber dress2 it is a costume for the spirit1 a covering for the visible body of one whose soul seeks the background4 ,nothing can be in worse taste than crepe which is gathered and ruched and puffed and pleated and made into waterfalls1 and imitation ostrich feathers as a garnishing for a hat4 ,the more absolutely plain1 the more appropriate and dignified is the mourning dress4 ,a long veil is a shade pulled down--a protection--it should never be a flaunting arrangement to arrest the amazed attention of the passerby4 ,the necessity for dignity can not be overemphasized4 ,,bad ,,taste ,,in ,,mourning ,mourning observances are all matters of fixed form1 and any deviation from precise convention is interpreted by the world at large as signifying want of proper feeling4 ,how often has one heard said of a young woman who was perhaps merely ignorant of the effect of her inappropriate clothes or unconventional behavior3 ,look at her6 ,and her dear father scarcely cold in his grave6 ,or ,little she seems to have cared for her mother--and such a lovely one she had1 too4 ,such remarks are as thoughtless as are the actions of the daughter1 but they point to an undeniable condition4 ,better far not wear mourning at all1 saying you do not believe in it1 than allow your unseemly conduct to indicate indifference to the memory of a really beloved parent2 better that a young widow should go out in scarlet and yellow on the day after her husband's funeral than wear weeds which attract attention on account of their flaunting bad taste and flippancy4 ,one may not1 one must not1 one can not wear the very last cry of exaggerated fashion in crepe1 nor may one be boisterous or flippant or sloppy in manner1 without giving the impression to all beholders that one's spirit is posturing1 tripping1 or dancing on the grave of sacred memory4 ,this may seem exaggerated1 but if you examine the expressions1 you will find that they are essentially true4 ,draw the picture for yourself3 ,a slim figure1 if you like1 held in the posture of the caterpillar slouch1 a long length of stocking so thin as to give the effect of shaded skin above high-heeled slippers with sparkling buckles of bright jet1 a short skirt1 a scrappy1 thin1 low-necked1 short-sleeved blouse through which white underclothing shows various edgings of lace and ribbons1 and on top of this1 a painted face under a long crepe veil6 ,yet the wearer of this costume may in nothing but appearance resemble the unmentionable class of women she suggests2 as a matter of fact she is very likely a perfectly decent young person and really sad at heart1 and her clothes and make up not different from countless others who pass unnoticed because their colored clothing suggests no mockery of solemnity4 ,,mourning ,,wear ,,for ,,men ,the necessity of business and affairs which has made withdrawal into seclusion impossible1 has also made it customary for the majority of men to go into mourning by the simple expedient of putting a black band on their hat or on the left sleeve of their usual clothes and wearing only white instead of colored linen4 ,a man never under any circumstances wears crepe4 ,the band on his hat is of very fine cloth and varies in width according to the degree of mourning from two and a half inches to within half an inch of the top of a high hat4 ,on other hats the width is fixed at about two and a half or three inches4 ,the sleeve band1 from three and a half to four and a half inches in width1 is of dull broadcloth on overcoats or winter clothing1 and of serge on summer clothes4 ,the sleeve band of mourning is sensible for many reasons1 the first being that of economy4 ,men's clothes do not come successfully from the encounter with dye vats1 nor lend themselves to alterations1 and an entire new wardrobe is an unwarranted burden to most4 ,except for the one black suit bought for the funeral and kept for ,sunday church1 or other special occasion1 only wealthy men or widowers go to the very considerable expense of getting a new wardrobe4 ,widowers--especially if they are elderly--always go into black 7which includes very dark gray mixtures7 with a deep black band on the hat1 and of course1 black ties and socks and shoes and gloves4 ,,conventions ,,of ,,mourning ,,for ,,men ,although the etiquette is less exacting1 the standards of social observance are much the same for a man as for a woman4 ,a widower should not be seen at any general entertainment1 such as a dance1 or in a box at the opera1 for a year2 a son for six months2 a brother for three--at least6 ,the length of time a father stays in mourning for a child is more a matter of his own inclination4 ,,mourning ,,livery ,coachmen and chauffeurs wear black liveries in town4 ,in the country they wear gray or even their ordinary whipcord with a black band on the left sleeve4 ,the house footman is always put into a black livery with dull buttons and a black and white striped waistcoat4 ,maids are not put into mourning with the exception of a lady's maid or nurse who1 through many years of service1 has become one of the family1 and who personally desires to wear mourning as though for a relative of her own4 ,,acknowledgment ,,of ,,sympathy ,in the case of a very prominent person where messages of condolence1 many of them impersonal1 mount into the thousands1 the sending of engraved cards to strangers is proper1 such as3 ,mr4 ,w4 ,ide ,bonds wishes to gratefully acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy or ,senator and ,mrs4 ,michigan wish to express their appreciation of ,,hw3 ,miss ,millicent ,gildings sympathy in their recent bereavement ,under no circumstances should such cards be sent to intimate friends1 or to those who have sent flowers or written personal letters4 ,when some one with real sympathy in his heart has taken the trouble to select and send flowers1 or has gone to the house and offered what service he might1 or has in a spirit of genuine regard1 written a personal letter1 the receipt of words composed by a stationer and dispatched by a professional secretary is exactly as though his outstretched hand had been pushed aside4 ,a family in mourning is in retirement from all social activities4 ,there is no excuse on the score of their having no time4 ,also no one expects a long letter1 nor does any one look for an early reply4 ,a personal word on a visiting card is all any one asks for4 ,the envelope may be addressed by some one else4 ,it takes but a moment to write ,thank you1 or ,thank you for all sympathy1 or ,thank you for your kind offers and sympathy4 ,or1 on a sheet of letter paper3 ,thank you1 dear ,mrs4 ,smith1 for your beautiful flowers and your kind sympathy4 ,or3 ,your flowers were so beautiful6 ,thank you for them and for your loving message4 ,or3 ,thank you for your sweet letter4 ,i know you meant it and ,i appreciate it4 ,many1 many such notes can be written in a day4 ,if the list is overlong1 or the one who received the flowers and messages is in reality so prostrated that she 7or he7 is unable to perform the task of writing1 then some member of her immediate family can write for her3 ,mother 7or father7 is too ill to write and asks me to thank you for your beautiful flowers and kind message4 ,most people find a sad comfort as well as pain1 in the reading and replying to letters and cards1 but they should not sit at it too long2 it is apt to increase rather than assuage their grief4 ,therefore1 no one expects more than a word--but that word should be seemingly personal4 ,,obligations ,,of ,,presence ,,at ,,funerals ,upon reading the death notice of a mere acquaintance you may leave your card at the house1 if you feel so inclined1 or you may merely send your card4 ,upon the death of an intimate acquaintance or friend you should go at once to the house1 write1 ,with sympathy on your card and leave it at the door4 ,or you should write a letter to the family2 in either case1 you send flowers addressed to the nearest relative4 ,on the card accompanying the flowers1 you write1 ,with sympathy1 ,with deepest sympathy1 or ,with heartfelt sympathy1 or ,with love and sympathy4 ,if there is a notice in the papers requesting no flowers be sent1 you send them only if you are a very intimate friend4 ,or if you prefer1 send a few flowers with a note1 immediately after the funeral1 to the member of the family who is particularly your friend4 ,if the notice says funeral private you do not go unless you have received a message from the family that you are expected1 or unless you are such an intimate friend that you know you are expected without being asked4 ,where a general notice is published in the paper1 it is proper and fitting that you should show sympathy by going to the funeral1 even though you had little more than a visiting acquaintance with the family4 ,you should not leave cards nor go to a funeral of a person with whom you have not in any way been associated or to whose house you have never been asked4 ,but it is heartless and delinquent if you do not go to the funeral of one with whom you were associated in business or other interests1 or to whose house you were often invited1 or where you are a friend of the immediate members of the family4 ,you should wear black clothes if you have them1 or if not1 the darkest1 the least conspicuous you possess4 ,enter the church as quietly as possible1 and as there are no ushers at a funeral1 seat yourself where you approximately belong4 ,only a very intimate friend should take a position far up on the center aisle4 ,if you are merely an acquaintance you should sit inconspicuously in the rear somewhere1 unless the funeral is very small and the church big1 in which case you may sit on the end seat of the center aisle toward the back4 ,,chapter ,,xxv ,,the ,,country ,,house ,,and ,,its ,,hospitality ,the difference between the great house with twenty to fifty guest rooms1 all numbered like the rooms in a hotel1 and the house of ordinary good size with from four to six guest rooms1 or the farmhouse or small cottage which has but one best spare chamber1 with perhaps a man's room on the ground floor1 is much the same as the difference between the elaborate wedding and the simplest--one merely of degree and not of kind4 ,to be sure1 in the great house1 week-end guests often include those who are little more than acquaintances of the host and hostess1 whereas the visitor occupying the only spare room is practically always an intimate friend4 ,excepting1 therefore1 that people who have few visitors never ask any one on their general list1 and that those who fill an enormous house time and time again necessarily do1 the etiquette1 manners1 guest room appointments and the people who occupy them1 are precisely the same4 ,popular opinion to the contrary1 a man's social position is by no means proportionate to the size of his house1 and even though he lives in a bungalow1 he may have every bit as high a position in the world of fashion as his rich neighbor in his palace--often much better6 ,we all of us know a ,mr4 ,newgold who would give many of the treasures in his marble palace for a single invitation to ,mrs4 ,oldname's comparatively little house1 and half of all he possesses for the latter's knowledge1 appearance1 manner1 instincts and position--none of which he himself is likely ever to acquire1 though his children may6 ,but in our description of great or medium or small houses1 we are considering those only whose owners belong equally to best society and where1 though luxuries vary from the greatest to the least1 house appointments are in essentials alike4 ,this is a rather noteworthy fact3 all people of good position talk alike1 behave alike and live alike4 ,ill-mannered servants1 incorrect liveries or service1 sloppily dished food1 carelessness in any of the details that to well-bred people constitute the decencies of living1 are no more tolerated in the smallest cottage than in the palace4 ,but since the biggest houses are those which naturally attract most attention1 suppose we begin our detailed description with them4 ,,house ,,party ,,of ,,many ,,guests ,perhaps there are ten or perhaps there are forty guests1 but if there were only two or three1 and the house a little instead of a big one1 the details would be precisely the same4 ,a week-end means from ,friday afternoon or from ,saturday lunch to ,monday morning4 ,the usual time chosen for a house party is over a holiday1 particularly where the holiday falls on a ,friday or ,monday1 so that the men can take a ,saturday off1 and stay from ,friday to ,tuesday1 or ,thursday to ,monday4 ,on whichever day the party begins1 everyone arrives in the neighborhood of five o'clock1 or a day later at lunch time4 ,many come in their own cars1 the others are met at the station--sometimes by the host or a son1 or1 if it is to be a young party1 by a daughter4 ,the hostess herself rarely1 if ever1 goes to the station1 not because of indifference or discourtesy but because other guests coming by motor might find the house empty4 ,it is very rude for a hostess to be out when her guests arrive4 ,even some one who comes so often as to be entirely at home1 is apt to feel dispirited upon being shown into an empty house4 ,sometimes a guest's arrival unwelcomed can not be avoided2 if1 for instance1 a man invited for tennis week or a football or baseball game1 arrives before the game is over but too late to join the others at the sport4 ,when younger people come to visit the daughters1 it is not necessary that their mother stay at home1 since the daughters take their mother's place4 ,nor is it necessary that she receive the men friends of her son1 unless the latter for some unavoidable reason1 is absent4 ,no hostess must ever fail to send a car to the station or boat landing for every one who is expected4 ,if she has not conveyances enough of her own1 she must order public ones and have the fares charged to herself4 ,,greeting ,,of ,,the ,,host ,the host always goes out into the front hall and shakes hands with every one who arrives4 ,he asks the guests if they want to be shown to their rooms1 and1 if not1 sees that the gentlemen who come without valets give their keys to the butler or footman1 and that the ladies without maids of their own give theirs to the maid who is on duty for the purpose4 ,should any of them feel dusty or otherwise untidy they naturally ask if they may be shown to their rooms so that they can make themselves presentable4 ,they should not1 however1 linger longer than necessary1 as their hostess may become uneasy at their delay4 ,ladies do not--in fashionable houses--make their first appearance without a hat4 ,gentlemen1 needless to say1 leave theirs in the hall when they come in4 ,travel in the present day1 however1 whether in parlor car or closed limousines1 or even in open cars on macadam roads1 obviates the necessity for an immediate removing of travel stains1 so that instead of seeking their rooms1 the newcomers usually go directly into the library or out on the veranda or wherever the hostess is to be found behind the inevitable tea tray4 ,,greeting ,,of ,,the ,,hostess ,as soon as her guests appear in the doorway1 the hostess at once rises1 goes forward smiling1 shakes hands and tells them how glad she is that they have safely come1 or how glad she is to see them1 and leads the way to the tea-table4 ,this is one of the occasions when everyone is always introduced4 ,good manners also demand that the places nearest the hostess be vacated by those occupying them1 and that the newly arrived receive attention from the hostess1 who sees that they are supplied with tea1 sandwiches1 cakes and whatever the tea-table affords4 ,after tea1 people either sit around and talk1 or1 more likely nowadays1 they play bridge4 ,about an hour before dinner the hostess asks how long every one needs to dress1 and tells them the time4 ,if any need a shorter time than she must allow for herself1 she makes sure that they know the location of their rooms1 and goes to dress4 ,a ,,room ,,for ,,every ,,guest ,it is almost unnecessary to say that in no well-appointed house is a guest1 except under three circumstances1 put in a room with any one else4 ,the three exceptions are3 #a4 ,a man and wife1 if the hostess is sure beyond a doubt that they occupy similar quarters when at home4 #b4 ,two young girls who are friends and have volunteered1 because the house is crowded1 to room together in a room with two beds4 #c4 ,on an occasion such as a wedding1 a ball1 or an intercollegiate athletic event1 young people don't mind for one night 7that is spent for the greater part up7 how many are doubled2 and house room is limited merely to cot space1 sofas1 and even the billiard table4 ,but she would be a very clumsy hostess1 who1 for a week-end1 filled her house like a sardine box to the discomfort and resentment of every one4 ,in the well-appointed house1 every guest room has a bath adjoining for itself alone1 or shared with a connecting room and used only by a man and wife1 two women or two men4 ,a bathroom should never 7if avoidable7 be shared by a woman and a man4 ,a suitable accommodation for a man and wife is a double room with bath and a single room next4 ,,the ,,guest ,,room ,the perfect guest room is not necessarily a vast chamber decorated in an historically correct period4 ,its perfection is the result of nothing more difficult to attain than painstaking attention to detail1 and its possession is within the reach of every woman who has the means to invite people to her house in the first place4 ,the ideal guest room is never found except in the house of the ideal hostess1 and it is by no means idle talk to suggest that every hostess be obliged to spend twenty-four hours every now and then in each room that is set apart for visitors4 ,if she does not do this actually1 she should do so in imagination4 ,she should occasionally go into the guest bathroom and draw the water in every fixture1 to see there is no stoppage and that the hot water faucets are not seemingly jokes of the plumber4 ,if a man is to occupy the bathroom1 she must see that the hook for a razor strop is not missing1 and that there is a mirror by which he can see to shave both at night and by daylight4 ,even though she can see to powder her nose1 it would be safer to make her husband bathe and shave both a morning and an evening in each bathroom and then listen carefully to what he says about it6 ,even though she has a perfect housemaid1 it is not unwise occasionally to make sure herself that every detail has been attended to2 that in every bathroom there are plenty of bath towels1 face towels1 a freshly laundered wash rag1 bath mat1 a new cake of unscented bath soap in the bathtub soap rack1 and a new cake of scented soap on the washstand4 ,it is not expected1 but it is often very nice to find violet water1 bath salts1 listerine1 talcum powder1 almond or other hand or sunburn lotion1 in decorated bottles on the washstand shelf2 but to cover the dressing-table in the bedroom with brushes and an array of toilet articles is more of a nuisance than a comfort4 ,a good clothes brush and whiskbroom are usually very acceptable1 as strangely enough1 guests almost invariably forget them4 ,a comforting adjunct to a bathroom that is given to a woman is a hot water bottle with a woolen cover1 hanging on the back of the door4 ,even if the water does not run sufficiently hot1 a guest seldom hesitates to ring for that1 whereas no one ever likes to ask for a hot water bag--no matter how much she might long for it4 ,a small bottle of ,pyro is also convenient for one who brings a curling lamp4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,ideal ,,guest ,,room ,,is ,,never ,,found ,,except ,,in ,,the ,,house ,,of ,,the ,,ideal ,,hostess2 ,,and ,,it ,,is ,,by ,,no ,,means ,,idle ,,talk ,,to ,,suggest ,,that ,,every ,,hostess ,,be ,,obliged ,,to ,,spend ,,twenty-,,four ,,hours ,,every ,,now ,,and ,,then ,,in ,,each ,,room ,,set ,,apart ,,for ,,visitors4 ,page #dad4 ,in the bedroom the hostess should make sure 7by sleeping in it at least once7 that the bed is comfortable1 that the sheets are long enough to tuck in1 that there are enough pillows for one who sleeps with head high4 ,there must also be plenty of covers4 ,besides the blankets there should be a wool-filled or an eiderdown quilt1 in coloring to go with the room4 ,there should be a night light at the head of the bed4 ,not just a decorative glow-worm effect1 but a light that is really good to lie in bed and read by4 ,and always there should be books2 chosen more to divert than to engross4 ,the sort of selection appropriate for a guest room might best comprise two or three books of the moment1 a light novel1 a book of essays1 another of short stories1 and a few of the latest magazines4 ,spare-room books ought to be especially chosen for the expected guest4 ,even though one can not choose accurately for the taste of another1 one can at least guess whether the visitor is likely to prefer transcendental philosophy or detective stories1 and supply either accordingly4 ,there should be a candle and a box of matches--even though there is electric light it has been known to go out6 ,and some people like to burn a candle all night4 ,there must also be matches and ash receivers on the desk and a scrap-basket beside it4 ,in hot weather1 every guest should have a palm leaf fan1 and in ,august1 even though there are screens1 a fly killer4 ,in big houses with a swimming pool1 bath-robes are supplied and often bathing suits4 ,otherwise dressing-gowns are not part of any guest room equipment4 ,a comfortable sofa is very important 7if the room is big enough7 with a sofa pillow or two1 and with a lightweight quilt or afghan across the end of it4 ,the hostess should do her own hair in each room to see if the dressing-table is placed where there is a good light over it1 both by electric and by daylight4 ,a very simple expedient in a room where massive furniture and low windows make the daylight dressing-table difficult1 is the ,european custom of putting an ordinary small table directly in the window and standing a good sized mirror on it4 ,nothing makes a more perfect arrangement for a woman4 ,and the pincushion6 ,it is more than necessary to see that the pins are usable and not rust to the head4 ,there should be black ones and white ones1 long and short2 also safety pins in several sizes4 ,three or four threaded needles of white thread1 black1 gray and tan silk are an addition that has proved many times welcome4 ,she must also examine the writing desk to be sure that the ink is not a cracked patch of black dust at the bottom of the well1 and the pens solid rust and the writing paper textures and sizes at odds with the envelopes4 ,there should be a fresh blotter and a few stamps4 ,also thoughtful hostesses put a card in some convenient place1 giving the post office schedule and saying where the mail bag can be found4 ,and a calendar1 and a clock that goes6 is there anything more typical of the average spare room than the clock that is at a standstill8 ,there must be plenty of clothes hangers in the closets4 ,for women a few hat stands1 and for men trouser hangers and the coat hangers that have a bar across the shoulder piece4 ,it is unnecessary to add that every bureau drawer should be looked into to see that nothing belonging to the family is filling the space which should belong to the guest1 and that the white paper lining the bottom is new4 ,curtains and sofa pillows must1 of course1 be freshly laundered2 the furniture1 floor1 walls and ceiling unmarred and in perfect order4 ,when bells are being installed in new houses they should be on cords and hung at the side of the bed4 ,light switches should be placed at the side of the door going into the room and bathroom4 ,it is scarcely practical to change the wiring in old houses2 but it can at least be seen that the bells work4 ,people who like strong perfumes often mistakenly think they are giving pleasure in filling all the bedroom drawers with pads heavily scented4 ,instead of feeling pleasure1 some people are made almost sick6 ,but all people 7hay-fever patients excepted7 love flowers1 and vases of them beautify rooms as nothing else can4 ,even a shabby little room1 if dustlessly clean and filled with flowers1 loses all effect of shabbiness and is inviting instead4 ,in a hunting country1 there should be a bootjack and boothooks in the closet4 ,guest rooms should have shutters and dark shades for those who like to keep the morning sun out4 ,the rooms should also1 if possible1 be away from the kitchen end of the house and the nursery4 ,a shortcoming in many houses is the lack of a newspaper1 and the thoughtful hostess who has the morning paper sent up with each breakfast tray1 or has one put at each place on the breakfast table1 deserves a halo4 ,at night a glass and a thermos pitcher of water should be placed by the bed4 ,in a few very specially appointed houses1 a small glass-covered tray of food is also put on the bed table1 fruit or milk and sandwiches1 or whatever is marked on the guest card4 ,,the ,,guest ,,card ,a clever device was invented by ,mrs4 ,gilding whose palatially appointed house is run with the most painstaking attention to every one's comfort4 ,on the dressing-table in each spare room at ,golden ,hall is a card pad with a pencil attached to it4 ,but if the guest card is used1 a specimen is given below4 ,needless to say the cards are used only in huge houses that1 because of their size1 are necessarily run more like a clubhouse than as a home4 ,in every house1 the questions below are asked by the hostess1 though the guests may not readily perceive the fact4 ,at bedtime she always asks3 ,would you like to come down to breakfast1 or will you have it in your room8 ,if the guest says1 in her room1 she is then asked what she would like to eat4 ,she is also asked whether she cares for milk or fruit or other light refreshment at bedtime1 and if there is a special book she would like to take up to her room4 ,the guest card mentioned above is as follows3 ,,please ,,fill ,,this ,,out ,,before ,,going ,,down ,,to ,,dinner3 ,what time do you want to be awakened8 44444444444444444444444 ,or1 will you ring8 4444444444444444444444444444444444444444 44 ,will you breakfast up-stairs8 44444444444444444444444444444444 ,or down8 4444444444444444444444444444444444444444 444444444444 ,,underscore ,,your ,,order3 ,coffee1 tea1 chocolate1 milk1 ,oatmeal1 hominy1 shredded wheat1 ,eggs1 how cooked8 ,rolls1 muffins1 toast1 ,orange1 pear1 grapes1 melon4 ,,at ,,bedtime ,,will ,,you ,,take ,hot or cold milk1 cocoa1 orangeade1 ,sandwiches1 meat1 lettuce1 jam1 ,cake1 crackers1 ,oranges1 apples1 pears1 grapes4 ,besides this list1 there is a catalogue of the library with a card1 clipped to the cover1 saying3 ,following books for room ,no4 ,x4 ,then four or six blank lines and a place for the guest's signature4 ,,at ,,the ,,dinner ,,hour ,every one goes down to dinner as promptly as possible and the procedure is exactly that of all dinners4 ,if it is a big party1 the gentlemen offer their arms to the ladies the host or hostess has designated4 ,at the end of the evening1 it is the custom that the hostess suggest going up-stairs1 rather than the guests who ordinarily depart after dinner4 ,but etiquette is not very strictly followed in this1 and a reasonable time after dinner1 if any one is especially tired he or she quite frankly says3 ,i wonder if you would mind very much if ,i went to bed8 ,the hostess always answers3 ,why1 no1 certainly not6 ,i hope you will find everything in your room6 ,if not1 will you ring8 ,it is not customary for the hostess to go up-stairs with a guest1 so long as others remain in her drawing-room4 ,if there is only one lady1 or a young girl1 the hostess accompanies her to her room1 and asks if everything has been thought of for her comfort4 ,,how ,,guests ,,are ,,asked ,,and ,,received ,many older ladies adhere to former practise and always write personal notes of invitation4 ,all others write or telegraph to people at a distance1 and send telephone messages to those nearby4 ,when a house is to be filled with friends of daughters or sons of the house1 the young people in the habit of coming to the house1 or young men1 whether making a first visit or not1 do not need any invitation further than one given them verbally by a daughter1 or even a son4 ,but a married couple1 or a young girl invited for the first time1 should have the verbal invitation of daughter or son seconded by a note or at least a telephone message sent by the mother herself4 ,every one is always asked for a specified time4 ,even a near relative comes definitely for a week1 or a month1 or whatever period is selected4 ,this is because other plans have to be made by the owners of the house1 such as inviting another group of guests1 or preparing to go away themselves4 ,,who ,,are ,,asked ,,on ,,house ,,parties ,excepting when strangers bring influential letters of introduction1 or when a relative or very intimate friend recently married is invited with her new husband or his bride1 only very large and general house parties include any one who is not an intimate friend4 ,at least seventy per cent of ,american house parties are young people1 either single or not long married1 and1 in any event1 all those asked to any one party--unless the hostess is a failure 7or a genius7--belong to the same social group4 ,perhaps a more broad-minded attitude prevails among young people in other parts of the country1 but wilfully narrow-minded ,miss ,young ,new ,york is very chary of accepting an invitation until she finds out who among her particular friends are also invited4 ,if ,mrs4 ,stranger asks her for a week-end1 no matter how much she may like ,mrs4 ,stranger personally1 she at once telephones two or three of her own group4 ,if some of them are going1 she accepts with pleasure1 but if not1 the chances are she regrets4 ,if1 on the other hand1 she is asked by the ,gildings1 she accepts at once4 ,not merely because ,golden ,hall is the ultimate in luxury1 but because ,mrs4 ,gilding has a gift for entertaining1 including her selection of people1 amounting to genius4 ,on the other hand1 ,miss ,young ,new ,york would accept with equal alacrity the invitation of the ,jack ,littlehouses1 where there is no luxury at all4 ,here in fact1 a guest is quite as likely as not to be pressed into service as auxiliary nurse1 gardener or chauffeur4 ,but the personality of the host and hostess is such that there is scarcely a day in the week when the motors of the most popular of the younger set are not parked at the ,littlehouse door4 ,,people ,,we ,,love ,,to ,,stay ,,with ,we enjoy staying with certain people usually for one of two reasons4 ,first1 because they have wonderful1 luxurious houses1 filled with amusing people2 and visiting them is a period crammed with continuous and delightful experience1 even though such a visit has little that suggests any personal intercourse or friendship with one's hostess4 ,the other reason we love to visit a certain house is1 on the contrary1 entirely personal to the host or hostess4 ,we love the house because we love its owner4 ,nowhere do we feel so much at home1 and though it may have none of the imposing magnificence of the great house1 it is often far more charming4 ,five flunkeys can not do more towards a guest's comfort than to take his hat and stick and to show him the way to the drawing-room4 ,a very smart young ,new ,yorker who is also something of a wag1 says that when going to a very magnificent house1 he always tries to wear sufficient articles so that he shall have one to bestow upon each footman4 ,some one saw him1 upon entering a palace that is a counterpart of the ,worldlys1' quite solemnly hand his hat to the first footman1 his stick to the second1 his coat to the third1 his muffler to the fourth1 his gloves to the fifth1 and his name to the sixth1 as he entered the drawing-room4 ,needless to say he did this as a matter of pure amusement to himself4 ,of course six men servants1 or more1 do add to the impressiveness of a house that is a palace and are a fitting part of the picture4 ,and yet a neat maid servant at the door can divest a guest of his hat and coat1 and lead the way to the sitting-room1 with equal facility4 ,having several times mentioned ,golden ,hall1 the palatial country house of the ,gildings1 suppose we join the guests and see what the last word in luxury and lavish hospitality is4 ,golden ,hall is not an imaginary place1 except in name4 ,it exists within a hundred miles of ,new ,york4 ,the house is a palace1 the grounds are a park4 ,there is not only a long wing of magnificent guest rooms in the house1 occupied by young girls or important older people1 but there is also a guest annex1 a separate building designed and run like the most luxurious country club4 ,the second floor has nothing but bedrooms1 with bath for each4 ,the third floor has bachelor rooms1 and rooms for visiting valets4 ,visiting maids are put in a separate third floor wing4 ,on the ground floor there is a small breakfast room2 a large living-room filled with books1 magazines1 a billiard and pool table2 beyond the living-room is a fully equipped gymnasium2 and beyond that a huge1 white marble1 glass-walled natatorium4 ,the swimming pool is fifty feet by one hundred2 on three sides is just a narrow shelf-like walkway1 but the fourth is wide and is furnished as a room with lounging chairs upholstered in white oilcloth4 ,opening out of this are perfectly equipped ,turkish and ,russian baths in charge of the best ,swedish masseur and masseuse procurable4 ,in the same building are two squash courts1 a racquet court1 a court tennis court1 and a bowling alley4 ,but the feature of the guest building is a glass-roofed and enclosed riding ring--not big enough for games of polo1 but big enough for practise in winter1--built along one entire side of it4 ,the stables are full of polo ponies and hunters1 the garage full of cars1 the boathouse has every sort of boat--sailboats1 naphtha launches1 a motor boat and even a shell4 ,every amusement is open-heartedly offered1 in fact1 especially devised for the guests4 ,at the main house there is a ballroom with a stage at one end4 ,an orchestra plays every night4 ,new moving pictures are shown and vaudeville talent is imported from ,new ,york4 ,this is the extreme of luxury in entertaining4 ,as ,mrs4 ,toplofty said at the end of a bewilderingly lavish party3 ,how are any of us ever going to amuse any one after this8 ,i feel like doing my guest rooms up in moth balls4 ,no one1 however1 has discovered that invitations to ,mrs4 ,toplofty's are any less welcome4 ,besides1 excitement-loving youth and exercise-devotees were never favored guests at the ,hudson ,manor anyway4 ,,the ,,small ,,house ,,of ,,perfection ,it matters not in the slightest whether the guest room's carpet is ,aubusson or rag1 whether the furniture is antique1 or modern1 so long as it is pleasing of its kind4 ,on the other hand1 because a house is little is no reason that it can not be as perfect in every detail--perhaps more so--as the palace of the multiest millionaire6 ,the attributes of the perfect house can not be better represented than by ,brook ,meadows ,farm1 the all-the-year home of the ,oldnames4 ,nor can anything better illustrate its perfection than an incident that actually took place there4 ,a great friend of the ,oldnames1 but not a man who went at all into society1 or considered whether people had position or not1 was invited with his new wife--a woman from another ,state and of much wealth and discernment--to stay over a week-end at ,brook ,meadows4 ,never having met the ,oldnames1 she asked something about their house and life in order to decide what type of clothes to pack4 ,oh1 it's just a little farmhouse4 ,oldname wears a dinner coat1 of course2 his wife wears--,i don't know what--but ,i have never seen her dressed up a bit6 ,evidently plain people1 thought his wife4 ,and aloud3 ,i wonder what evening dress ,i have that is high enough4 ,i can put in the black lace day dress2 perhaps ,i had better put in my cerise satin---- ,the cerise8 asked her husband1 ,is that the red you had on the other night8 ,it is much too handsome1 much6 ,i tell you1 ,mrs4 ,oldname never wears a dress that you could notice4 ,she always looks like a lady1 but she isn't a dressy sort of person at all4 ,so the bride packed her plainest 7that is her cheapest7 clothes1 but at the last1 she put in the cerise4 ,when she and her husband arrived at the railroad station1 that at least was primitive enough1 and ,mr4 ,oldname in much worn tweeds might have come from a castle or a cabin2 country clothes are no evidence4 ,but her practised eye noticed the perfect cut of the chauffeur's coat and that the car1 though of an inexpensive make1 was one of the prettiest on the market1 and beautifully appointed4 ,at least they have good taste in motors and accessories1 thought she1 and was glad she had brought her best evening dress4 ,they drove up to a low white shingled house1 at the end of an old-fashioned brick walk bordered with flowers4 ,the visitor noticed that the flowers were all of one color1 all in perfect bloom4 ,she knew no inexperienced gardener produced that apparently simple approach to a door that has been chosen as frontispiece in more than one book on ,colonial architecture4 ,the door was opened by a maid in a silver gray taffeta dress1 with organdie collar1 cuffs and apron1 white stockings and silver buckles on black slippers1 and the guest saw a quaint hall and vista of rooms that at first sight might easily be thought simple by an inexpert appraiser2 but ,mrs4 ,oldname1 who came forward to greet her guests1 was the antithesis of everything the bride's husband had led her to believe4 ,to describe ,mrs4 ,oldname as simple is about as apt as to call a pearl simple because it doesn't dazzle2 nor was there an article in the apparently simple living-room that would be refused were it offered to a museum4 ,the tea-table was ,chinese ,chippendale and set with old ,spode on a lacquered tray over a mosaic-embroidered linen tea-cloth4 ,the soda biscuits and cakes were light as froth1 the tea an especial blend imported by a prominent connoisseur and given every ,christmas to his friends4 ,there were three other guests besides the bride and groom3 a ,united ,states ,senator1 and a diplomat and his wife who were on their way from a post in ,europe to one in ,south ,america4 ,instead of bridge there was conversation on international topics until it was time to dress for dinner4 ,when the bride went to her room 7which adjoined that of her husband7 she found her bath drawn1 her clothes laid out1 and the dressing-table lights lighted4 ,that night the bride wore her cerise dress to one of the smartest dinners she ever went down to1 and when they went up-stairs and she at last saw her husband alone1 she took him to task4 ,why in the name of goodness didn't you tell me the truth about these people8 ,oh1 said he abashed1 ,i told you it was a little house--it was you who insisted on bringing that red dress4 ,i told you it was too handsome6 ,handsome6 she cried in tears1 ,i don't own anything half good enough to compare with the least article in this house4 ,that 'simple' little woman as you call her would1 ,i think1 almost make a queen seem provincial6 ,and as for her clothes1 they are priceless--just as everything is in this little gem of a house4 ,why1 the window curtains are as fine as the best clothes in my trousseau4 ,the two houses contrasted above are two extremes1 but each a luxury4 ,the ,oldnames' expenditure1 though in no way comparable with the ,worldlys' or the ,gildings1' is far beyond any purse that can be called moderate4 ,the really moderate purse inevitably precludes a woman from playing an important rle as hostess1 for not even the greatest magnetism and charm can make up to spoiled guests for lack of essential comfort4 ,the only exceptions are a bungalow at the seashore or a camp in the woods1 where a confirmed luxury-lover is desperately uncomfortable for the first twenty-four hours1 but invariably gets used to the lack of comfort almost as soon as he gets dependent upon it2 and plunging into a lake for bath1 or washing in a little tin basin1 sleeping on pine boughs without any sheets at all1 eating tinned foods and flapjacks on tin plates with tin utensils1 he seems to lack nothing when the air is like champagne and the company first choice4 ,,guest ,,room ,,service ,if a visitor brings no maid of her own1 the personal maid of the hostess 7if she has one--otherwise the housemaid7 always unpacks the bags or trunks1 lays toilet articles out on the dressing-table and in the bathroom1 puts folded things in the drawers and hangs dresses on hangers in the closet4 ,if when she unpacks she sees that something of importance has been forgotten1 she tells her mistress1 or1 in the case of a servant who has been long employed1 she knows what selection to make herself1 and supplies the guest without asking with such articles as comb and brush or clothes brush1 or bathing suit and bath-robe4 ,the valet of the host performs the same service for men4 ,in small establishments where there is no lady's maid or valet1 the housemaid is always taught to unpack guests' belongings and to press and hook up ladies' dresses1 and gentlemen's clothes are sent to a tailor to be pressed after each wearing4 ,in big houses1 breakfast trays for women guests are usually carried to the bedroom floor by the butler 7some butlers delegate this service to a footman7 and are handed to the lady's maid who takes the tray into the room4 ,in small houses they are carried up by the waitress4 ,trays for men visitors are rare1 but when ordered are carried up and into the room by the valet1 or butler4 ,if there are no men servants the waitress has to carry up the tray4 ,when a guest rings for breakfast1 the housemaid or the valet goes into the room1 opens the blinds1 and in cold weather lights the fire1 if there is an open one in the room4 ,asking whether a hot1 cool or cold bath is preferred1 he goes into the bathroom1 spreads a bath mat on the floor1 a big bath towel over a chair1 with the help of a thermometer draws the bath1 and sometimes lays out the visitor's clothes4 ,as few people care for more than one bath a day and many people prefer their bath before dinner instead of before breakfast1 this office is often performed at dinner dressing time instead of in the morning4 ,,tips ,the tip-roll in a big house seems to us rather appalling1 but compared with the amounts given in a big ,english house1 ours are mere pittances4 ,pleasant to think that something is less expensive in our country than in ,europe6 ,fortunately in this country1 when you dine in a friend's house you do not tip the butler1 nor do you tip a footman or parlor-maid who takes your card to the mistress of the house1 nor when you leave a country house do you have to give more than five dollars to any one whatsoever4 ,a lady for a week-end stay gives two or three dollars to the lady's maid1 if she went without her own1 and one or two dollars to every one who waited on her4 ,intimate friends in a small house send tips to all the servants--perhaps only a dollar apiece1 but no one is forgotten4 ,in a very big house this is never done and only those are tipped who have served you4 ,if you had your maid with you1 you always give her a tip 7about two dollars7 to give the cook 7often the second one7 who prepared her meals and one dollar for the kitchen maid who set her table4 ,a gentleman scarcely ever remembers any of the women servants 7to their chagrin7 except a waitress1 and tips only the butler and the valet1 and sometimes the chauffeur4 ,the least he can offer any of the men-servants is two dollars and the most ever is five4 ,no woman gets as much as that1 for such short service4 ,in a few houses the tipping system is abolished1 and in every guest room1 in a conspicuous place on the dressing-table or over the bath tub where you are sure to read it1 is a sign1 saying3 ,please do not offer tips to my servants4 ,their contract is with this special understanding1 and proper arrangements have been made to meet it2 you will not only create 'a situation1' but cause the immediate dismissal of any one who may be persuaded by you to break this rule of the house4 ,the notice is signed by the host4 ,the arrangement referred to is one whereby every guest means a bonus added to their wages of so much per person per day for all employees4 ,this system is much preferred by servants for two reasons4 ,first1 self-respecting ones dislike the demeaning effect of a tip 7an occasional few won't take them74 ,secondly1 they can absolutely count that so many visitors will bring them precisely such an amount4 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,small ,,houses ,,breakfast ,,trays ,,for ,,women ,,guests ,,are ,,carried ,,up ,,by ,,the ,,waitress4 ,page #dbf ,,breakfast ,,downstairs ,,or ,,up ,breakfast customs are as varied in this country as the topography of the land6 ,communities of people who have lived or traveled much abroad1 have nearly all adopted the ,continental breakfast habit of a tray in their room1 especially on ,sunday mornings4 ,in other communities it is the custom to go down to the dining-room for a heavy ,american 7or ,english7 meal4 ,in communities where the latter is the custom and where people are used to assembling at a set hour1 it is simple enough to provide a breakfast typical of the section of the country2 corn bread and kidney stew and hominy in the ,south2 doughnuts and codfish balls way down ,east2 kippered herring1 liver and bacon and griddle cakes elsewhere4 ,but downstairs breakfast as a continuous performance is1 from a housekeeper's point of view1 a trial to say the least4 ,however1 in big houses1 where men refuse to eat in their rooms and equally refuse to get up until they feel like it1 a dining-room breakfast is managed as follows3 ,,continuous ,,breakfast ,,downstairs ,the table is set with a place for all who said they were coming down4 ,at one end is a coffee urn kept hot over a spirit lamp1 milk is kept hot under a tea cosy or in a double pitcher1 made like a double boiler4 ,on the sideboard or on the table are two or three hot water dishes 7with or without spirit lamps underneath74 ,in one is a cereal1 in the other hash or creamed beef1 sausage1 or codfish cakes1 or whatever the housekeeper thinks of1 that can stand for hours and still be edible6 ,fruit is on the table and bread and butter and marmalade1 and the cook is supposed to make fresh tea and eggs and toast for each guest as he appears4 ,,preparing ,,breakfast ,,tray ,the advantage of having one's guests choose breakfast up-stairs1 is that unless there is a separate breakfast room1 a long delayed breakfast prevents the dining-room from being put in order or the lunch table set4 ,trays1 on the other hand1 stand all set in the pantry and interfere much less with the dining-room work4 ,the trays are either of the plain white pantry variety or regular breakfast ones with folding legs4 ,on each is put a tray cloth4 ,it may be plain linen hemstitched or scalloped1 or it may be much embroidered and have mosaic or filet lace4 ,every bedroom has a set of breakfast china to match it4 ,but it is far better to send a complete set of blue china to a rose-colored room than a rose set that has pieces missing4 ,nothing looks worse than odd crockery4 ,it is like unmatched paper and envelopes1 or odd shoes1 or a woman's skirt and waist that do not meet in the back4 ,there is nothing unusual in a tray set1 every china and department store carries them1 but only in open stock patterns can one buy extra dishes or replace broken ones2 a fact it is well to remember4 ,there is a tall coffee pot1 hot milk pitcher1 a cream pitcher and sugar bowl1 a cup and saucer1 two plates1 an egg cup and a covered dish4 ,a cereal is usually put in the covered dish1 toast in a napkin on a plate1 or eggs and bacon in place of cereal4 ,this with fruit is the most elaborate tray breakfast ever provided4 ,most people who breakfast in bed take only coffee or tea1 an egg1 toast and possibly fruit4 ,,the ,,courteous ,,host ,of those elaborate ceremonials between host and guest familiar to all readers of the ,bible and all travelers in the ,east1 only a few faint traces remain in our country and generation4 ,it is still unforgivable to eat a man's bread and remain his enemy4 ,it is unforgivable to criticize your host1 or in his presence to criticize his friends4 ,it is unforgivable to be rude to any one under your own roof or under the roof of a friend4 ,if you must quarrel with your enemy1 seek public or neutral ground1 since quarrels and hospitality must never be mingled4 ,the ,spaniard says to his guest3 ,all ,i have is yours4 ,it is supposed to be merely a pretty speech--but in a measure it is true of every host's attitude toward his house guest4 ,if you take some one under your roof1 he becomes part of1 and sharer in1 your life and possessions4 ,your horse1 your fireside1 your armchair1 your servants1 your time1 your customs1 all are his2 your food is his food1 your roof his shelter4 ,you give him the best spare room1 you set before him the best refreshments you can offer1 and your best china and glass4 ,his bed is made up with your best company linen and blankets4 ,you receive your guest with a smile1 no matter how inconvenient or troublesome or straining to your resources his visit may be1 and on no account do you let him suspect any of this4 ,,keeping ,,one',s ,,guests ,,occupied ,in popular houses where visitors like to go again and again1 there is always a happy combination of some attention on the part of the host and hostess1 and the perfect freedom of the guests to occupy their time as they choose4 ,the host and the men staying in the house arrange among themselves to rest or play games or fish or ride or shoot clay pigeons or swim1 etc4 ,the hostess1 unless at the seashore where people go bathing in the morning1 generally leaves her guests to their own devices until lunch time1 though they are always offered whatever diversions the place or neighborhood afford4 ,they are told there is bathing1 fishing1 golf2 and if they want to do any of these things1 it is arranged for them4 ,but unless something special1 such as driving to a picnic or clambake1 has been planned1 or there is a tennis tournament or golf match of importance1 the hostess makes her first appearance just before luncheon4 ,this is the same as any informal family meal4 ,if there are thirty guests it makes no difference4 ,sometimes there are place cards--especially if other people have been invited in--sometimes people find places for themselves4 ,after luncheon something is usually arranged2 perhaps those who play golf go out for their game1 and others who do not play go to the country club at the hour the players are supposed to be coming in1 so that they can all have tea together4 ,those who like motoring perhaps go for a drive1 or to a neighbor's house for bridge1 or neighbors come in for tea4 ,there is always bridge1 sometimes there is dancing4 ,in very big houses musicians are often brought in after dinner1 and dancing and bridge alternate till bedtime4 ,a houseful of young people very easily look after their own amusement4 ,as said before1 a big house is run very much like a country club1 and guests are supposed to look after themselves4 ,making an especial effort to entertain a guest who is to stay for a week or longer has gone out of custom in the fashionable world1 except for an important personage4 ,a visit from the ,president of the ,united ,states for instance1 would necessitate the most punctiliously formal etiquette1 no matter how close a friend of the family he may always have been4 ,for such a visitor a hostess would either arrange a series of entertainments or none1 according to her visitor's inclination4 ,a ,,guest ,,can ,,look ,,after ,,his ,,own ,,comfort ,the most trying thing to people of very set habits is an unusual breakfast hour4 ,when you have the unfortunate habit of waking with the dawn1 and the household you are visiting has the custom of sleeping on ,sunday morning1 the long wait for your coffee can quite actually upset your whole day4 ,on the other hand1 to be aroused at seven on the only day when you do not have to hurry to business1 in order to yawn through an early breakfast1 and then sit around and kill time1 is quite as trying4 ,the guest with the early habit can in a measure prevent discomfort4 ,he can carry in a small case 7locked if necessary7 a very small solidified alcohol outfit and either a small package of tea or powdered coffee1 sugar1 powdered milk1 and a few crackers4 ,he can then start his day all by himself in the barnyard hours without disturbing any one1 and in comfort to himself4 ,few people care enough to fuss1 but if they do1 this equipment of an habitual visitor with incurably early waking hours is given as a suggestion4 ,or perhaps the entire guest situation may be put in one sentence4 ,if you are an inflexible person1 very set in your ways1 don't visit6 ,at least don't visit without carefully looking the situation over from every angle to be sure that the habits of the house you are going to are in accord with your own4 ,a solitary guest is naturally much more dependent on his host 7or her hostess71 but on the other hand1 he or she is practically always a very intimate friend who merely adapts himself or herself like a chameleon to the customs and hours and diversions of the household4 ,,dont',s ,,for ,,hostess ,when a guest asks to be called half an hour before breakfast1 don't have him called an hour and a half before because it takes you that long to dress1 nor allow him a scant ten minutes because the shorter time is seemingly sufficient4 ,too often the summons on the door wakes him out of sound sleep2 he tumbles exhausted out of bed1 into clothes1 and down stairs1 to wait perhaps an hour for breakfast4 ,if a guest prefers to sit on the veranda and read1 don't interrupt him every half page to ask if he really does not want to do something else4 ,if1 on the other hand1 a guest wants to exercise1 don't do everything in your power to obstruct his starting off by saying that it will surely rain1 or that it is too hot1 or that you think it is senseless to spend days that should be a rest to him in utterly exhausting himself4 ,don't1 when you know that a young man cares little for feminine society1 fine-tooth-comb the neighborhood for the dullest or silliest young woman to be found4 ,don't1 on the other hand1 when you have an especially attractive young woman staying with you1 ask a stolid middle-aged couple and an octogenarian professor for dinner1 because the charm and beauty of the former is sure to appeal to the latter4 ,don't1 because you personally happen to like a certain young girl who is utterly old-fashioned in outlook and type from ultra modern others who are staying with you1 try to bring them together4 ,never try to make any two people like each other4 ,if they do1 they do2 if they don't1 they don't1 and that is all there is to it2 but it is of vital importance to your own success as hostess to find out which is the case and collect or separate them accordingly4 ,,the ,,casual ,,hostess ,the most casual hostess in the world is the fashionable leader in ,newport1 she who should by the rules of good society be the most punctilious1 since no place in ,america1 or ,europe1 is more conspicuously representative of luxury and fashion4 ,nowhere are there more guests or half so many hostesses1 and yet hospitality as it is understood everywhere else1 is practically unknown4 ,no one ever goes to stay in a ,newport house excepting on his own as it were4 ,it is not an exaggerated story1 but quite true1 that in many houses of ultra fashion a guest on arriving is told at which meals he is expected to appear1 that is at dinners or luncheons given by his hostess4 ,at all others he is free to go out or stay in by himself4 ,no effort is assumed for his amusement1 or responsibility for his well-being4 ,it is small wonder that only those who have plenty of friends care to go there--or in fact1 are ever invited6 ,those who like to go to visit the most perfectly appointed1 but utterly impersonal house1 find no other visiting to compare with its unhampering delightfulness4 ,the hostess simply says on his 7or her7 arrival3 ,oh1 howdo ,freddie 7or ,constance76 ,they've put you in the ,chinese room1 ,i think4 ,ring for tea when you want it4 ,struthers telephoned he'd be over around five4 ,mrs4 ,toplofty asked you to dinner to-night and ,i accepted for you--hope that was all right4 ,if not1 you'll have to telephone and get out of it yourself4 ,i want you to dinner to-morrow night and for lunch on ,sunday4 ,sorry to leave you1 but ,i'm late for bridge now4 ,good-by4 ,and she is off4 ,the ,newport hostess is1 of course1 an extreme type that is seldom met away from that one small watering place in ,rhode ,island4 ,,the ,,energetic ,,hostess ,the energetic hostess is the antithesis of the one above1 and far more universally known4 ,she is one who fusses and plans continually1 who thinks her guests are not having a good time unless she rushes them1 ,cook's tourist fashion1 from this engagement to that1 and crowds with activity and diversion--never mind what so long as it is something to see or do--every moment of their stay4 ,she walks them through the garden to show them all the nooks and vistas4 ,she dilates upon the flowers that bloomed here last month and are going to bloom next4 ,she insists upon their climbing over rocks to a summerhouse to see the view2 she insists on taking them in another direction to see an old mill2 and1 again1 every one is trouped to the cupola of the house to see another view4 ,she insists on every one's playing croquet before lunch1 to which she gathers in a curiously mixed collection of neighbors4 ,immediately after lunch every one is driven to a country club to see some duffer golf--for some reason there is never time in all the prepared pleasures for any of her guests to play golf themselves4 ,after twenty minutes at the golf club1 they are all taken to a church fair4 ,the guests are all introduced to the ladies at the booth and those who were foolish enough to bring their purses with them from now on carry around an odd assortment of fancy work4 ,there is another entertainment that her guests must not miss6 ,a flower pageant of the darlingest children fourteen miles away6 ,everyone is dashed to that4 ,on some one's front lawn1 daisies and lilies and roses trip and skip--it is all sweetly pretty but the sun is hot and the guests have been on the go for a great many hours4 ,soon1 however1 their hostess leaves4 ,home at last6 think they4 ,not at all4 ,they are going somewhere for tea and ,french recitations4 ,but why go on8 ,the portrait is fairly complete1 though this account covers only a few hours and there is still all the evening and to-morrow to be filled in just as liberally4 ,,the ,,anxious ,,hostess ,the anxious hostess does not insist on your ceaseless activity1 but she is no less persistent in filling your time4 ,she is always asking you what you would like to do next4 ,if you say you are quite content as you are1 she nevertheless continues to shower suggestions4 ,shall she play the phonograph to you8 ,would you like her to telephone to a friend who sings too wonderfully8 ,would you like to look at a portfolio of pictures8 ,if you are a moment silent1 she is sure you are bored1 and wonders what she can do to divert you6 ,,the ,,perfect ,,hostess ,the ideal hostess must have so many perfections of sense and character that were she described in full1 no one seemingly but a combination of seer and angel could ever hope to qualify4 ,she must first of all consider the inclinations of her guests1 she must not only make them as comfortable as the arrangements and limits of her establishment permit1 but she must subordinate her own inclinations utterly4 ,at the same time1 she must not fuss and flutter and get agitated and seemingly make efforts in their behalf4 ,nothing makes a guest more uncomfortable than to feel his host or hostess is being put to a great deal of bother or effort on his account4 ,a perfect hostess like a perfect housekeeper has seemingly nothing whatever to do with household arrangements which apparently run in oiled grooves and of their own accord4 ,certain rules are easy to observe once they are brought to attention4 ,a hostess should never speak of annoyances of any kind--no matter what happens6 ,unless she is actually unable to stand up1 she should not mention physical ills any more than mental ones4 ,she has invited people to her house1 and as long as they are under her roof1 hospitality demands that their sojourn shall be made as pleasant as lies in her power4 ,if the cook leaves1 then a picnic must be made of the situation as though a picnic were the most delightful thing that could happen4 ,should a guest be taken ill1 she must assure him that he is not giving the slightest trouble2 at the same time nothing that can be done for his comfort must be overlooked4 ,should she herself or some one in her family become suddenly ill1 she should make as light of it as possible to her guests1 even though she withdraw from them4 ,in that event she must ask a relative or intimate friend to come in and take her place4 ,nor should the deputy hostess dwell to the guests on the illness1 or whatever it is that has deprived them of their hostess4 ,,the ,,guest ,,no ,,one ,,invites ,,again ,the guest no one invites a second time is the one who runs a car to its detriment1 and a horse to a lather2 who leaves a borrowed tennis racquet out in the rain2 who dog ears the books1 leaves a cigarette on the edge of a table and burns a trench in its edge1 who uses towels for boot rags1 who stands a wet glass on polished wood1 who tracks muddy shoes into the house1 and leaves his room looking as though it had been through a cyclone4 ,nor are men the only offenders4 ,young women have been known to commit every one of these offenses and the additional one of bringing a pet dog that was not house trained4 ,besides these actually destructive shortcomings1 there are evidences of bad upbringing in many modern youths whose lack of consideration is scarcely less annoying4 ,those who are late for every meal2 cheeky others who invite friends of their own to meals without the manners or the decency to ask their hostess' permission2 who help themselves to a car and go off and don't come back for meals at all2 and who write no letters afterwards1 nor even take the trouble to go up and speak to a former hostess when they see her again4 ,on the other hand1 a young person who is considerate is a delight immeasurable--such a delight as only a hostess of much experience can perhaps appreciate4 ,a young girl who tells where she is going1 first asking if it is all right1 and who finds her hostess as soon as she is in the house at night to report that she is back1 is one who very surely will be asked again and often4 ,a young man is1 of course1 much freer1 but a similar deference to the plans of his hostess1 and to the hours and customs of the house1 will result in repeated invitations for him also4 ,the lack of these things is not only bad form but want of common civility and decency1 and reflects not only on the girls and boys themselves but on their parents who failed to bring them up properly4 ,,the ,,considerate ,,guest ,courtesy demands that you1 when you are a guest1 shall show neither annoyance nor disappointment--no matter what happens4 ,before you can hope to become even a passable guest1 let alone a perfect one1 you must learn as it were not to notice if hot soup is poured down your back4 ,if you neither understand nor care for dogs or children1 and both insist on climbing all over you1 you must seemingly like it2 just as you must be amiable and polite to your fellow guests1 even though they be of all the people on earth the most detestable to you4 ,you must with the very best dissimulation at your command1 appear to find the food delicious though they offer you all of the viands that are especially distasteful to your palate1 or antagonistic to your digestion4 ,you must disguise your hatred of red ants and scrambled food1 if everyone else is bent on a picnic4 ,you must pretend that six is a perfect dinner hour though you never dine before eight1 or1 on the contrary1 you must wait until eight-thirty or nine with stoical fortitude1 though your dinner hour is six and by seven your chest seems securely pinned to your spine4 ,if you go for a drive1 and it pours1 and there is no top to the carriage or car1 and you are soaked to the skin and chilled to the marrow so that your teeth chatter1 your lips must smile and you must appear to enjoy the refreshing coolness4 ,if you go to stay in a small house in the country1 and they give you a bed full of lumps1 in a room of mosquitoes and flies1 in a chamber over that of a crying baby1 under the eaves with a temperature of over a hundred1 you can the next morning walk to the village1 and send yourself a telegram and leave6 ,but though you feel starved1 exhausted1 wilted1 and are mosquito bitten until you resemble a well-developed case of chickenpox or measles1 by not so much as a facial muscle must you let the family know that your comfort lacked anything that your happiest imagination could picture--nor must you confide in any one afterwards 7having broken bread in the house7 how desperately wretched you were4 ,if you know anyone who is always in demand1 not only for dinners1 but for trips on private cars and yachts1 and long visits in country houses1 you may be very sure of one thing3 the popular person is first of all unselfish or else extremely gifted2 very often both4 ,the perfect guest not only tries to wear becoming clothes but tries to put on an equally becoming mental attitude4 ,no one is ever asked out very much who is in the habit of telling people all the misfortunes and ailments she has experienced or witnessed1 though the perfect guest listens with apparent sympathy to every one else's4 ,another attribute of the perfect guest is never to keep people waiting4 ,she is always ready for anything--or nothing4 ,if a plan is made to picnic1 she likes picnics above everything and proves her liking by enthusiastically making the sandwiches or the salad dressing or whatever she thinks she makes best4 ,if1 on the other hand1 no one seems to want to do anything1 the perfect guest has always a book she is absorbed in1 or a piece of sewing she is engrossed with1 or else beyond everything she would love to sit in an easy chair and do nothing4 ,she never for one moment thinks of herself1 but of the other people she is thrown with4 ,she is a person of sympathy always1 and instantaneous discernment4 ,she is good tempered no matter what happens1 and makes the most of everything as it comes4 ,at games she is a good loser1 and a quiet winner4 ,she has a pleasant word1 an amusing story1 and agreeable comment for most occasions1 but she is neither gushing nor fulsome4 ,she has merely acquired a habit1 born of many years of arduous practise1 of turning everything that looks like a dark cloud as quickly as possible for the glimmer of a silver lining4 ,she is as sympathetic to children as to older people2 she cuts out wonderful paper dolls and soldier hats1 always leisurely and easily as though it cost neither time nor effort4 ,she knows a hundred stories or games1 every baby and every dog goes to her on sight1 not because she has any especial talent1 except that one she has cultivated1 the talent of interest in everyone and everything except herself4 ,few people know that there is such a talent or that it can be cultivated4 ,she has more than mere beauty2 she has infinite charm1 and she is so well born that she is charming to everyone4 ,her manner to a duke who happens to be staying in the house is not a bit more courteous than her manner to the kitchen-maid whom she chances to meet in the kitchen gardens whither she has gone with the children to see the new kittens2 as though new kittens were the apex of all delectability6 ,she always calls the servants by name2 always says ,how do you do when she arrives1 ,good morning while there1 and ,good-by when she leaves4 ,and do they presume because of her familiarity when she remembers to ask after the parlor-maid's mother and the butler's baby8 ,they wait on her as they wait on no one else who comes to the house--neither the ,senator nor the ,governor1 nor his ,grace of ,overthere6 ,this ideal guest is an equally ideal hostess2 the principle of both is the same4 ,a ready smile1 a quick sympathy1 a happy outlook1 consideration for others1 tenderness toward everything that is young or helpless1 and forgetfulness of self1 which is not far from the ideal of womankind4 ,,the ,,guest ,,on ,a ,,private ,,car ,,or ,,yacht ,the sole difference between being a guest at a country house and a guest on a private car or a yacht1 is that you put to a very severe test tour adaptability as a traveler4 ,you live in very close quarters with your host and hostess and fellow guests1 and must therefore be particularly on your guard against being selfish or out of humor4 ,if you are on shore and don't feel well1 you can stay home2 but off on a cruise1 if you are ill you have to make the best of it1 and a sea-sick person's best is very bad indeed6 ,therefore let it be hoped you are a good sailor4 ,if not1 think very1 very carefully before you embark6 ,,chapter ,,xxvi ,,the ,,house ,,party ,,in ,,camp ,roughing it in the fashionable world 7on the ,atlantic coast7 is rather suggestive of the dairymaid playing of ,marie ,antoinette2 the rough part being mostly picturesque effect with little taste of actual discomfort4 ,often1 of course1 the roughing it is real1 especially west of the ,mississippi 7and sometimes in the ,east too72 so real that it has no place in a book of etiquette at all4 ,in the following picture of a fashionable camping party it should perhaps be added1 that not only the ,worldlys but most of the women really think they are roughing it4 ,at the same time there is nothing that a genuine dependent upon luxury resents more than to be told he is dependent4 ,it is he who has but newly learned the comforts of living who protests his inability to endure discomfort4 ,the very same people therefore who went a short time before to ,great ,estates1 women who arrived with their maids and luggage containing personal equipment of amazing perfection and unlimited quantity 7to say nothing of jewels worth a king's ransom71 and men who usually travel with their own man-servants and every variety of raiment and paraphernalia1 on being invited to rough it with the ,kindharts at ,mountain ,summit ,camp1 are the very ones who most promptly and enthusiastically telegraph their delighted acceptance4 ,at a certain party a few years ago1 the only person who declined was a young woman of so little position that she was quite offended that ,mrs4 ,kindhart should suppose her able to endure discomfort such as her invitation implied4 ,this year the ,worldlys1 the ,normans1 the ,lovejoys1 the ,bobo ,gildings1 the ,littlehouses1 ,constance ,style1 ,jim ,smartlington and his bride1 ,clubwin ,doe and young ,struthers make up the party4 ,no one declined1 not even the ,worldlys1 though there is a fly in the amber of their perfect satisfaction4 ,mrs4 ,kindhart wrote not to bring a maid4 ,mrs4 ,worldly is very much disturbed1 because she cannot do her hair herself4 ,mr4 ,worldly is even more perturbed at the thought of going without his valet4 ,he has never in the twenty years since he left college been twenty-four hours away from ,ernest4 ,he knows perfectly well that ,ernest is not expected4 ,but he means to take him--he will say nothing about it2 he can surely find a place for ,ernest to stay somewhere4 ,the other men all look upon a holiday away from formality 7which includes valeting7 as a relief1 like the opening of a window in a stuffy room1 and none of the women except ,mrs4 ,worldly would take her maid if she could4 ,,the ,,clothes ,,they ,,take ,the men all rummage in attics and trunk-rooms for those disreputable looking articles of wearing apparel dear to all sportsmen2 oil soaked boots1 water soaked and sun bleached woolen1 corduroy1 leather or canvas garments and hats1 each looking too shabby from their wives' 7or valet's7 point of view to be offered to a tramp4 ,every evening is spent in cleaning guns1 rummaging for unprepossessing treasures of shooting and fishing equipment4 ,the women also give thought to their wardrobes--consisting chiefly in a process of elimination4 ,nothing perishable1 nothing requiring a maid's help to get into1 or to take care of4 ,golf clothes are first choice1 and any other old country clothes1 skirts and sweaters1 and lots of plain shirt waists to go under the sweaters4 ,an old polo coat and a mackintosh is chosen by each4 ,and for evenings something comfortable and easy to put on in the way of a house gown or ordinary summer day dress4 ,one or two decide to take tea gowns in dark color and plainest variety4 ,all the women who sew or knit take something to work on in unoccupied moments1 such as the hours of sitting silent in a canoe while husbands fish4 ,finally the day arrives4 ,every one meets at the railroad station4 ,they are all as smart looking as can be1 there is no sign of rough clothes anywhere1 though nothing in the least like a jewel case or parasol is to be seen4 ,at the end of somewhere between eight and eighteen hours1 they arrive at a shed which sits at the edge of the single track and is labelled ,dustville ,junction1 and hurrying down the narrow platform is their host4 ,except that his face is clean shaven and his manners perfect1 he might be taken for a tramp4 ,three far from smart looking teams--two buckboards and an express wagon--are standing near by4 ,kindhart welcomes everyone with enthusiasm--except the now emerging ,ernest4 ,for once ,kindhart is nonplussed and he says to ,worldly3 ,this isn't ,newport1 you know--of course we can give him a bed somewhere1 but this is really no place for ,ernest and there's nothing for him to do6 ,worldly1 for the moment at a loss1 explains lamely3 ,i thought he might be useful--if you could find some corner for him to-night1 then we can see--that's all right1 isn't it8 ,kindhart as host can't say anything further except to agree4 ,everyone is bundled into the buckboards 7except ,ernest who goes on top of the luggage in the express wagon71 and a corduroy drive of six or eight miles begins4 ,,what ,,the ,,camp ,,is ,,like ,summit ,camp is a collection of wooden shacks like a group of packing cases dumped in a clearing among the pine trees at the edge of a mountain lake4 ,those who have never been there before feel some misgivings1 those who have been there before remember with surprise that they had liked the place6 ,the men alone are filled with enthusiasm4 ,the only person who is thoroughly apprehensive of the immediate future is ,ernest4 ,in front of the largest of the shacks1 ,mrs4 ,kindhart1 surrounded by dogs and children1 waves and hurries forward1 beaming4 ,her enthusiasm is contagious1 the children look blooming4 ,that the hardship is not hurting them1 is evident6 ,and when the guests have seen the inside of the camps most of them are actually as pleased as they look4 ,the biggest shack is a living-room1 the one nearest is the dining camp1 four or five smaller ones are sleeping camps for guests and another is the ,kindharts' own4 ,the living camp is nothing but a single room about thirty feet wide and forty feet long1 with an open raftered roof for ceiling4 ,it has windows on four sides and a big porch built on the southeast corner4 ,there is an enormous open fireplace1 and a floor good enough to dance on4 ,the woodwork is of rough lumber and has a single coat of leaf-green paint4 ,the shelves between the uprights are filled with books4 ,all the new novels and magazines are spread out on a long table4 ,the room is furnished with ,navajo blankets1 wicker furniture1 steamer chairs1 and hammocks are hung across two of the corners4 ,two long divan sofas on either side of the fireplace are the only upholstered pieces of furniture in the whole camp1 except the mattresses on the beds4 ,the guest camps are separate shacks1 each one set back on a platform1 leaving a porch in front4 ,inside they vary in size2 most have two1 some have four rooms1 but each is merely one pointed-roofed space4 ,the front part has a fireplace and is furnished as a sitting-room1 the rear half is partitioned into two or more cubicles1 like box-stalls1 with partitions about eight feet high and having regular doors4 ,in each of the single rooms1 there is a bed1 bureau1 washstand1 chair1 and two shelves about six or seven feet high1 with a calico curtain nailed to the top one and hanging to the floor1 making a hat shelf and clothes closet4 ,the few double rooms are twice the size and have all furniture in duplicate4 ,there is also a matting or a rag rug on the floor1 and that is all6 ,each cottage has a bathroom but the hot water supply seems complicated4 ,a sign says your guide will bring it to you when needed4 ,mrs4 ,worldly1 feeling vaguely uncomfortable and hungry1 is firmly determined to go home on the next morning train4 ,before she has had much time to reflect1 ,mrs4 ,kindhart reports that lunch is nearly ready4 ,guides come with canisters of hot water1 and everyone goes to dress4 ,town clothes disappear1 and woods clothes emerge4 ,this by no means makes a dowdy picture4 ,good sport clothes never look so well or becoming as when long use has given them an accustomed set characteristic of their wearer4 ,the men put on their oldest country clothes too4 ,not their fishing treasures to sit at table with ladies6 ,the treasured articles go on in the early dawn1 and the guides are the only humans 7except themselves7 supposed worthy to behold them6 ,presently a gong is sounded4 ,the ,kindhart children run to the guest houses to call out that the gong means dinner is ready6 ,and dinner means lunch4 ,,dining-,,room ,,details ,in a short while the very group of people who only ten days before were being shown to their places in the ,worldlys' own tapestry-hung marble dining-room at ,great ,estates by a dozen footmen in satin knee breeches1 file into the dining camp and take their places at a long pine table1 painted turkey red1 on ordinary wooden kitchen chairs1 also red6 ,the floral decoration is of laurel leaves in vases made of preserve jars covered with birch bark4 ,glass and china is of the cheapest4 ,but there are a long centerpiece of hemstitched crash and crash doilies1 and there are real napkins1 and at each plate a birch bark napkin ring with a number on it4 ,mrs4 ,worldly looks at her napkin ring as though it were an insect4 ,one or two of the others who have not been there before1 look mildly surprised4 ,mrs4 ,kindhart smiles1 ,i'm sorry1 but ,i told you it was 'roughing it4' ,any one who prefers innumerable paper napkins to using a washed one twice1 is welcome4 ,but one napkin a day apiece is camp rule6 ,mrs4 ,worldly tries to look amiable1 all the rest succeed4 ,the food is limited in variety but delicious4 ,there are fresh trout from the lake and venison steak2 both well cooked in every way that can be devised appear at every meal4 ,all other supplies come in hampers from the city4 ,the head cook is the ,kindharts' own1 and so is the butler1 with one of the chauffeurs 7when home7 to help him wait on table4 ,they wear liveries1 evolved by ,mrs4 ,kindhart1 of gray flannel trousers1 green flannel blazers1 very light gray flannel shirts1 black ties1 and moccasins6 ,the table service1 since there are only two to wait on twenty including the children1 is necessarily somewhat farmer style2 ice1 tea1 rolls1 butter1 marmalade1 cake1 fruit1 are all on the table1 so that people may help themselves4 ,,the ,,amusements ,,offered ,after luncheon ,kindhart points out a dozen guides who are waiting at the boat-house to take anyone who wants to be paddled or to sail or to go out into the woods4 ,there is a small swimming pool which can be warmed artificially4 ,those who like it cold swim in the lake4 ,all the men disappear in groups or singly with a guide4 ,the women go with their husbands1 or two together1 with a guide4 ,should any not want to go out1 she can take to one of the hammocks1 or a divan in the living-room1 and a book4 ,at first sight1 this hospitality seems inadequate1 but its discomfort is one of outward appearance only4 ,the food is abundant and delicious1 whether cooked in the house or by the guides in the woods4 ,the beds are comfortable2 there are plenty of warm and good quality1 though not white1 blankets4 ,sheets are flannel or cotton as preferred4 ,pillow cases are linen1 towels of the bath variety because washing can be done by natives near by1 but ironing is difficult4 ,let no one1 however1 think that this is a simple 7by that meaning either easy or inexpensive7 form of entertainment6 ,imagine the budget6 ,a dozen guides1 teams and drivers1 natives to wash and clean and to help the cook2 food for two or three dozen people sent hundreds of miles by express6 ,it is true that the buildings are of the most primitive1 and the furnishings1 too4 ,the bureau drawers do stick1 and there is only curtained closet room1 and mirrors are few and diminutive1 and orders for hot water have to be given ahead of time1 but there is no discomfort1 except bathing in the cold6 ,the huge fire1 lighted early every morning by one of the guides in each guest house1 keeps the main part fairly warm but the temperature of one of the bathrooms on a cold morning is scarcely welcoming4 ,,camp ,,manners ,people do not dress for dinner1 that is1 not in evening clothes4 ,after coming in from walking or shooting or fishing1 if it is warm they swim in the pool or have their guides bring them hot water for a bath4 ,women change into house gowns of some sort4 ,men put on flannel trousers1 soft shirts1 and flannel or serge sack coats4 ,in the evening1 if it is a beautiful night1 every one sits on steamer chairs wrapt in rugs around the big fire built out doors in front of a sort of penthouse or windbreak4 ,or if it is stormy1 they sit in front of a fire1 almost as big1 in the living-room4 ,sometimes younger ones pop corn or roast chestnuts1 or perhaps make taffy4 ,perhaps some one tells a story1 or some one plays and everyone sings4 ,perhaps one who has parlor tricks amuses the others--but as a rule those who have been all day in the open are tired and drowsy and want nothing but to stretch out for a while in front of the big fire and then turn in4 ,the etiquette of this sort of a party is so apparently lacking that its inclusion perhaps seems out of place4 ,but it is meant merely as a picture of a phase of fashionable life that is not much exploited1 and to show that well-bred people never deteriorate in manner4 ,their behavior is precisely the same whether at ,great ,estates or in camp4 ,a gentleman may be in his shirt sleeves actually1 but he never gets into shirt sleeves mentally--he has no inclination to4 ,to be sure1 on the particular party described above1 ,mrs4 ,worldly wore a squirrel fur cap in the evening as well as the daytime2 she said it was because it was so warm and comfortable4 ,it was really because she could not do her hair6 ,perhaps some one asks about ,ernest8 ,at the end of two days of aloof and distasteful idleness1 ,ernest became quite a human being2 invaluable as baiter of worms for the children's fish-hooks1 as extra butler1 and did not scorn even temporary experiments as kitchen-maid4 ,in fact1 he proved the half-hearted recommendation that he might be useful so thoroughly that the first person of all to be especially invited for next year and future years1 was--exactly--,ernest4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii ,,notes ,,and ,,shorter ,,letters ,in writing notes or letters1 as in all other forms of social observance1 the highest achievement is in giving the appearance of simplicity1 naturalness and force4 ,those who use long periods of flowered prolixity and pretentious phrases--who write in complicated form with meaningless flourishes1 do not make an impression of elegance and erudition upon their readers1 but flaunt instead unmistakable evidence of vainglory and ignorance4 ,the letter you write1 whether you realize it or not1 is always a mirror which reflects your appearance1 taste and character4 ,a sloppy letter with the writing all pouring into one corner of the page1 badly worded1 badly spelled1 and with unmatched paper and envelope--even possibly a blot--proclaims the sort of person who would have unkempt hair1 unclean linen and broken shoe laces2 just as a neat1 precise1 evenly written note portrays a person of like characteristics4 ,therefore1 while it can not be said with literal accuracy that one may read the future of a person by study of his handwriting1 it is true that if a young man wishes to choose a wife in whose daily life he is sure always to find the unfinished task1 the untidy mind and the syncopated housekeeping1 he may do it quite simply by selecting her from her letters4 ,,how ,,to ,,improve ,a ,,letter',s ,,appearance ,some people are fortunate in being able easily to make graceful letters1 to space their words evenly1 and to put them on a page so that the picture is pleasing2 others are discouraged at the outset because their fingers are clumsy1 and their efforts crude2 but no matter how badly formed each individual letter may be1 if the writing is consistent throughout1 the page as a whole looks fairly well4 ,you can make yourself write neatly and legibly4 ,you can 7with the help of a dictionary if necessary7 spell correctly2 you can be sure that you understand the meaning of every word you use4 ,if it is hard for you to write in a straight line1 use the lined guide that comes with nearly all stationery2 if impossible to keep an even margin1 draw a perpendicular line at the left of the guide so that you can start each new line of writing on it4 ,you can also make a guide to slip under the envelope4 ,far better to use a guide than to send envelopes and pages of writing that slide up hill and down1 in uncontrolled disorder4 ,illustration3 ,,facsimiles1 ,,reduced ,,in ,,size1 ,,of ,,letter ,,and ,,envelope ,,guides ,,choice ,,of ,,writing ,,paper ,suitability should be considered in choosing note paper1 as well as in choosing a piece of furniture for a house4 ,for a handwriting which is habitually large1 a larger sized paper should be chosen than for writing which is small4 ,the shape of paper should also depend somewhat upon the spacing of the lines which is typical of the writer1 and whether a wide or narrow margin is used4 ,low1 spread-out writing looks better on a square sheet of paper2 tall1 pointed writing looks better on paper that is high and narrow4 ,selection of paper whether rough or smooth is entirely a matter of personal choice--so that the quality be good1 and the shape and color conservative4 ,paper should never be ruled1 or highly scented1 or odd in shape1 or have elaborate or striking ornamentation4 ,some people use smaller paper for notes1 or correspondence cards1 cut to the size of the envelopes4 ,others use the same size for all correspondence and leave a wider margin in writing notes4 ,the flap of the envelope should be plain and the point not unduly long4 ,if the flap is square instead of being pointed1 it may be allowed greater length without being eccentric4 ,colored linings to envelopes are at present in fashion4 ,thin white paper1 with monogram or address stamped in gray to match gray tissue lining of the envelope is1 for instance1 in very best taste4 ,young girls may be allowed quite gay envelope linings1 but the device on the paper must be minute1 in proportion to the gaiety of the color4 ,illustrations3 ,,good ,,taste ,,good ,,taste ,,good ,,taste ,,bad ,,taste ,,bad ,,taste ,writing paper for a man should always be strictly conservative4 ,plain white or gray or granite paper1 large in size and stamped in the simplest manner4 ,the size should be #e-c_/d x #g-a_/b or #f x #h or #e-a_/h x #h-a_/h or thereabouts4 ,a paper suitable for the use of all the members of a family has the address stamped in black or dark color1 in plain letters at the top of the first page4 ,more often than not the telephone number is put in very small letters under that of the address1 a great convenience in the present day of telephoning4 ,for example3 #cej ,,park ,,avenue ,,telephone #gegb ,,plaza ,,devices ,,for ,,stamping ,as there is no such thing as heraldry in ,america1 the use of a coat of arms is as much a foreign custom as the speaking of a foreign tongue2 but in certain communities where old families have used their crests continuously since the days when they brought their device--and their right to it--from ,europe1 the use of it is suitable and proper4 ,the sight of this or that crest on a carriage or automobile in ,new ,york or ,boston announces to all those who have lived their lives in either city that the vehicle belongs to a member of this or that family4 ,but for some one without an inherited right to select a lion rampant or a stag couchant because he thinks it looks stylish1 is as though1 for the same reason1 he changed his name from ,muggins to ,marmaduke1 and quite properly subjects him to ridicule4 7,strictly speaking1 a woman has the right to use a lozenge only2 since in heraldic days women did not bear arms1 but no one in this country follows heraldic rule to this extent47 ,,the ,,personal ,,device ,it is occasionally the fancy of artists or young girls to adopt some especial symbol associated with themselves4 ,the butterfly of ,whistler for instance is as well-known as his name4 ,a painter of marines has the small outline of a ship stamped on his writing paper1 and a ,new ,york architect the capital of an ,ionic column4 ,a generation ago young women used to fancy such an intriguing symbol as a mask1 a sphinx1 a question mark1 or their own names1 if their names were such as could be pictured4 ,there can be no objection to one's appropriation of such an emblem if one fancies it4 ,but ,lilly1 ,belle1 ,dolly and ,kitten are ,lillian1 ,isabel1 ,dorothy and ,katherine in these days1 and appropriate hall-marks are not easily found4 ,,country ,,house ,,stationery3 ,,for ,a ,,big ,,house ,in selecting paper for a country house we go back to the subject of suitability4 ,a big house in important grounds should have very plain1 very dignified letter paper4 ,it may be white or tinted blue or gray4 ,the name of the place should be engraved1 in the center usually1 at the top of the first page4 ,it may be placed left1 or right1 as preferred4 ,slanting across the upper corners or in a list at the upper left side1 may be put as many addresses as necessary4 ,many persons use a whole row of small devices in outline1 the engine of a train and beside it ,ardmoor1 meaning that ,ardmoor is the railroad station4 ,a telegraph pole1 an envelope1 a telephone instrument--and beside each an address4 ,these devices are suitable for all places1 whether they are great or tiny1 that have different addresses for railroad1 post-office1 telephone telegraph4 ,illustration3 7train7 ,stirlington1 ,new ,york ,illustration3 7telegraph pole and envelopes7 ,ringwood1 ,new ,jersey ,illustration3 7telephone7 ,sloatsburg1 ,seven-three-two ,for the ,little ,house ,on the other hand1 farmhouses and little places in the country may have very bright-colored stamping1 as well as gay-lined envelopes4 ,places with easily illustrated names quite often have them pictured2 the ,bird-cage1 for instance1 may have a bright blue paper with a bird-cage in supposed red lacquer2 the ,bandbox1 a fantastically decorated milliner's box on oyster gray paper1 the envelope lining of black and gray pin stripes1 and the ,doll's ,house might use the outline of a doll's house in grass green on green-bordered white paper1 and white envelopes lined with grass green4 ,each of these devices must be as small as the outline of a cherry pit and the paper of the smallest size that comes4 7,envelopes #c-a_/b x #e inches or paper #d x #f and envelopes the same size to hold paper without folding47 ,illustration3 7three envelope corners with logos7 ,it is foolish perhaps to give the description of such papers1 for their fashion is but of the moment4 ,a jeweler from ,paris has been responsible for their present vogue in ,new ,york1 and his clientele is only among the young and smart4 ,older and more conservative women 7and1 of course1 all men7 keep to the plain fashion of yesterday1 which will just as surely be the fashion of to-morrow4 ,,mourning ,,paper ,persons who are in mourning use black-edged visiting cards1 letter paper and envelopes4 ,the depth of black corresponds with the depth of mourning and the closeness of relation to the one who has gone1 the width decreasing as one's mourning lightens4 ,the width of black to use is a matter of personal taste and feeling4 ,a very heavy border 7from #c_/h to #g_/af of an inch7 announces the deepest retirement4 ,,dating ,a ,,letter ,usually the date is put at the upper right hand of the first page of a letter1 or at the end1 and to the left of the signature1 of a note4 ,it is far less confusing for one's correspondent to read ,january #i1 #aibj1 than #a-i-bj4 ,theoretically1 one should write out the date in full3 the ninth of ,january1 ,nineteen hundred and twenty-one4 ,that1 however1 is the height of pedantry1 and an unswallowable mouthful at the top of any page not a document4 ,at the end of a note ,thursday is sufficient unless the note is an invitation for more than a week ahead1 in which case write as in a letter1 ,january #i or the ninth of ,january4 ,the year is not necessary since it can hardly be supposed to take a year for a letter's transportation4 ,,sequence ,,of ,,pages ,if a note is longer than one page1 the third page is usually next1 as this leaves the fourth blank and prevents the writing from showing through the envelope4 ,with heavy or tissue-lined envelopes1 the fourth is used as often as the third4 ,in letters one may write first1 second1 third1 fourth1 in regular order2 or first and fourth1 then1 opening the sheet and turning it sideways1 write across the two inside pages as one4 ,many prefer to write on first1 third1 then sideways across second and fourth4 ,in certain cities--,boston1 for instance--the last word on a page is repeated at the top of the next4 ,it is undoubtedly a good idea1 but makes a stuttering impression upon one not accustomed to it4 ,,folding ,a ,,note ,as to whether a letter is folded in such a way that the recipient shall read the contents without having to turn the paper1 is giving too much importance to nothing4 ,it is sufficient if the paper is folded neatly1 once1 of course1 for the envelope that is half the length of the paper1 and twice for the envelope that is a third4 ,,sealing ,,wax ,if you use sealing wax1 let us hope you are an adept at making an even and smoothly finished seal4 ,choose a plain-colored wax rather than one speckled with metal4 ,with the sort of paper described for country houses1 or for young people1 or those living in studios or bungalows1 gay sealing wax may be quite alluring1 especially if it can be persuaded to pour smoothly like liquid1 and not to look like a streaked and broken off slice of dough4 ,in days when envelopes were unknown1 all letters had to be sealed1 hence when envelopes were made1 the idea obtained that it was improper to use both gum-arabic and wax4 ,strictly speaking this may be true1 but since all envelopes have mucilage1 it would be unreasonable to demand that those who like to use sealing wax have their envelopes made to order4 ,,form ,,of ,,address ,the most formal beginning of a social letter is ,my dear ,mrs4 ,smith4 7,the fact that in ,england ,dear ,mrs4 ,smith is more formal does not greatly concern us in ,america47 ,dear ,mrs4 ,smith1 ,dear ,sarah1 ,dear ,sally1 ,sally dear1 ,dearest ,sally1 ,darling ,sally1 are increasingly intimate4 ,business letters begin3 ,smith1 ,johnson ,co41 #bj ,broadway1 ,new ,york4 ,dear ,sirs3 ,or if more personal3 ,john ,smith ,co41 #bj ,broadway1 ,new ,york4 ,my ,dear ,mr4 ,smith3 ,,the ,,complimentary ,,close ,the close of a business letter should be ,yours truly1 or ,yours very truly4 ,respectfully is used only by a tradesman to a customer1 an employee to an employer1 or by an inferior1 never by a person of equal position4 ,no lady should ever sign a letter respectfully1 not even were she writing to a queen4 ,if an ,american lady should have occasion to write to a queen1 she should conclude her letter ,i have the honor to remain1 ,madam1 your most obedient4 7,for address and close of letters to persons of title1 see table at the end of this chapter47 ,,close ,,of ,,personal ,,notes ,,and ,,letters ,it is too bad that the ,english language does not permit the charming and graceful closing of all letters in the ,french manner1 those little flowers of compliment that leave such a pleasant fragrance after reading4 ,but ever since the ,eighteenth ,century the ,english-speaking have been busy pruning away all ornament of expression2 even the last remaining graces1 kindest regards1 with kindest remembrances1 are fast disappearing1 leaving us nothing but an abrupt ,yours truly1 or ,sincerely yours4 ,closing a ,formal ,note ,the best ending to a formal social note is1 ,sincerely1 ,sincerely yours1 ,very sincerely1 ,very sincerely yours1 ,yours always sincerely1 or ,always sincerely yours4 ,i remain1 dear madam1 is no longer in use1 but ,believe me is still correct when formality is to be expressed in the close of a note4 ,believe me ,very sincerely yours1 or ,believe me1 my dear ,mrs4 ,worldly1 ,most sincerely yours1 ,this last is an ,english form1 but it is used by quite a number of ,americans--particularly those who have been much abroad4 ,appropriate for a ,man ,faithfully or ,faithfully yours is a very good signature for a man in writing to a woman1 or in any uncommercial correspondence1 such as a letter to the ,president of the ,united ,states1 a member of the ,cabinet1 an ,ambassador1 a clergyman1 etc4 ,the ,intimate ,closing ,affectionately yours1 ,always affectionately1 ,affectionately1 ,devotedly1 ,lovingly1 ,your loving are in increasing scale of intimacy4 ,lovingly is much more intimate than ,affectionately and so is ,devotedly4 ,sincerely in formal notes and ,affectionately in intimate notes are the two adverbs most used in the present day1 and between these two there is a blank2 in ,english we have no expression to fit sentiment more friendly than the first nor one less intimate than the second4 ,not ,good ,form ,cordially was coined no doubt to fill this need1 but its self-consciousness puts it in the category with residence and retire1 and all the other offenses of pretentiousness1 and in ,new ,york1 at least1 it is not used by people of taste4 ,warmly yours is unspeakable4 ,yours in haste or ,hastily yours is not bad form1 but is rather carelessly rude4 ,in a tearing hurry is a termination dear to the boarding school girl2 but its truth does not make it any more attractive than the vision of that same young girl rushing into a room with her hat and coat half on1 to swoop upon her mother with a peck of a kiss1 and with a --by1 mamma6 whirl out again6 ,turmoil and flurry may be characteristic of the manners of to-day2 both are far from the ideal of beautiful manners which should be as assured1 as smooth1 as controlled as the running of a high-grade automobile4 ,flea-like motions are no better suited to manners than to motors4 ,other ,endings ,gratefully is used only when a benefit has been received1 as to a lawyer who has skilfully handled a case2 to a surgeon who has saved a life dear to you2 to a friend who has been put to unusual trouble to do you a favor4 ,in an ordinary letter of thanks1 the signature is ,sincerely1 ,affectionately1 ,devotedly--as the case may be4 ,the phrases that a man might devise to close a letter to his betrothed or his wife are bound only by the limit of his imagination and do not belong in this1 or any1 book4 ,,the ,,signature ,abroad1 the higher the rank1 the shorter the name4 ,a duke1 for instance1 signs himself ,marlborough1 nothing else1 and a queen her first name ,victoria4 ,the social world in ,europe1 therefore1 laughs at us for using our whole names1 or worse yet1 inserting meaningless initials in our signatures4 ,etiquette in accord with ,europe also objects strenuously to initials and demands that names be always engraved1 and1 if possible1 written in full1 but only very correct people strictly observe this rule4 ,in ,europe all persons have so many names given them in baptism that they are forced1 naturally1 to lay most of them aside1 selecting one1 or at most two1 for use4 ,in ,america1 the names bestowed at baptism become inseparably part of each individual1 so that if the name is overlong1 a string of initials is the inevitable result4 ,since1 in ,america1 it is not customary for a man to discard any of his names1 and ,john ,hunter ,titherington ,smith is far too much of a pen-full for the one who signs thousands of letters and documents1 it is small wonder that he chooses ,j4,h4,t4 ,smith1 instead1 or perhaps1 at the end of personal letters1 ,john ,h4,t4 ,smith4 ,why shouldn't he8 ,it is1 after all1 his own name to sign as he chooses1 and in addressing him deference to his choice should be shown4 ,a married woman should always sign a letter to a stranger1 a bank1 business firm1 etc41 with her baptismal name1 and add1 in parenthesis1 her married name4 ,thus3 ,very truly yours1 ,sarah ,robinson ,smith4 7,mrs4 ,j4,h4 ,titherington ,smith47 ,never under any circumstances sign a letter ,mr41 ,mrs41 or ,miss 7except a note written in the third person74 ,if1 in the example above1 ,sarah ,robinson ,smith were ,miss she would put ,miss in parenthesis to the left of her signature3 7,miss7 ,sarah ,robinson ,smith4 ,,the ,,superscription ,formal invitations are always addressed to ,mr4 ,stanley ,smith2 all other personal letters may be addressed to ,stanley ,smith1 ,esq4 ,the title of ,esquire formerly was used to denote the eldest son of a knight or members of a younger branch of a noble house4 ,later all graduates of universities1 professional and literary men1 and important landholders were given the right to this title1 which even to-day denotes a man of education--a gentleman4 ,john ,smith1 esquire1 is ,john ,smith1 gentleman4 ,mr4 ,john ,smith may be a gentleman2 or may not be one4 ,and yet1 as noted above1 all engraved invitations are addressed ,mr4 ,never under any circumstances address a social letter or note to a married woman1 even if she is a widow1 as ,mrs4 ,mary ,town4 ,a widow is still ,mrs4 ,james ,town4 ,if her son's wife should have the same name1 she becomes ,mrs4 ,james ,town1 ,sr41 or simply ,mrs4 ,town4 ,a divorced woman1 if she was the innocent person1 retains the right if she chooses1 to call herself ,mrs4 ,john ,brown ,smith1 but usually she prefers to take her own surname4 ,supposing her to have been ,mary ,simpson1 she calls herself ,mrs4 ,simpson ,smith4 ,if a lady is the wife or widow of the head of a family she may call herself ,mrs4 ,smith1 even on visiting cards and invitations4 ,the eldest daughter is ,miss ,smith2 her younger sister1 ,miss ,jane ,smith4 ,invitations to children are addressed1 ,miss ,katherine ,smith and ,master ,robert ,smith4 ,do not write ,the ,messrs4 ,brown in addressing a father and son4 ,the ,messrs4 ,brown is correct only for unmarried brothers4 ,although one occasionally sees an envelope addressed to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jones1 and ,miss ,jones written underneath the names of her parents1 it is better form to send a separate invitation addressed to ,miss ,jones alone4 ,a wedding invitation addressed to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,jones and family is not in good taste4 ,even if the ,jones children are young1 the ,misses ,jones should receive a separate envelope1 and so should ,master ,jones4 ,,one ,,last ,,remark ,write the name and address on the envelope as precisely and as legibly as you can4 ,the post-office has enough to do in deciphering the letters of the illiterate1 without being asked to do unnecessary work for you6 ,,business ,,letters ,business letters written by a private individual differ very little from those sent out from a business house4 ,a lady never says ,yours of the #fth received and contents noted1 or ,yours to hand1 nor does she address the firm as ,gentlemen1 nor does she ever sign herself ,respectfully4 ,a business letter should be as brief and explicit as possible4 ,for example3 ,tuxedo ,park ,new ,york ,may #ag1 #aibb ,i4 ,paint ,co41 #bb ,branch ,st41 ,new ,york4 ,dear ,sirs3 ,your estimate for painting my dining-room1 library1 south bedroom1 and dressing-room is satisfactory1 and you may proceed with the work as soon as possible4 ,i find1 on the other hand1 that wainscoting the hall comes to more than ,i had anticipated1 and ,i have decided to leave it as it is for the present4 ,very truly yours1 ,c4,r4 ,town4 7,mrs4 ,james ,town7 ,,the ,,social ,,note ,there should be no more difficulty in writing a social note than in writing a business letter2 each has a specific message for its sole object and the principle of construction is the same3 99 ,date ,address 7on business letter only7 ,salutation3 ,the statement of whatever is the purpose of the note4 ,complimentary close1 ,signature4 99 ,or date here ,the difference in form between a business and a social note is that the full name and address of the person written to is never put in the latter1 better quality stationery is used1 and the salutation is ,my dear ---- or ,dear ---- instead of ,dear ,sir3 ,example3 #cej ,park ,avenue ,dear ,mrs4 ,robinson3 ,i am enclosing the list ,i promised you--,luberge makes the most beautiful things4 ,mower1 the dressmaker1 has for years made clothes for me1 and ,i think ,revaud the best milliner in ,paris4 ,leonie is a little milliner who often has pretty blouses as well as hats and is very reasonable4 ,i do hope the addresses will be of some use to you1 and that you will have a delightful trip1 ,very sincerely1 ,martha ,kindhart4 ,thursday4 ,,the ,,note ,,of ,,apology ,examples3 ,i ,,broadlawns ,dear ,mrs4 ,town3 ,i do deeply apologize for my seeming rudeness in having to send the message about ,monday night4 ,when ,i accepted your invitation1 ,i stupidly forgot entirely that ,monday was a holiday and that all of my own guests1 naturally1 were not leaving until ,tuesday morning1 and ,arthur and ,i could not therefore go out by ourselves and leave them6 ,we were too disappointed and hope that you know how sorry we were not to be with you4 ,very sincerely1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,tuesday morning4 ,,ii ,dear ,mrs4 ,neighbor3 ,my gardener has just told me that our chickens got into your flower beds1 and did a great deal of damage4 ,the chicken netting is being built higher at this moment and they will not be able to damage anything again4 ,i shall1 of course1 send ,patrick to put in shrubs to replace those broken1 although ,i know that ones newly planted cannot compensate for those you have lost1 and ,i can only ask you to accept my contrite apologies4 ,always sincerely yours1 ,katherine de ,puyster ,eminent4 ,,letters ,,of ,,thanks ,in the following examples of letters intimate and from young persons1 such profuse expressions as divine1 awfully1 petrified1 too sweet1 too wonderful1 are purposely inserted1 because to change all of the above enthusiasms into pleased with1 very1 feared1 most kind1 would be to change the vitality of the real letters into smug and self-conscious utterances at variance with anything ever written by young men and women of to-day4 ,even the letters of older persons1 although they are more restrained than those of youth1 avoid anything suggesting pedantry and affectation4 ,do not from this suppose that well-bred people write badly6 ,on the contrary1 perfect simplicity and freedom from self-consciousness are possible only to those who have acquired at least some degree of cultivation4 ,for flagrant examples of pretentiousness 7which is the infallible sign of lack of breeding71 see page #fa4 ,for simplicity of expression1 such as is unattainable to the rest of us1 but which we can at least strive to emulate1 read first the ,bible2 then at random one might suggest such authors as ,robert ,louis ,stevenson1 ,e4,s4 ,martin1 ,agnes ,repplier1 ,john ,galsworthy and ,max ,beerbohm4 ,e4,v4 ,lucas has written two novels in letter form--which illustrate the best type of present day letter-writing4 ,,letters ,,of ,,thanks ,,for ,,wedding ,,presents ,although all wedding presents belong to the bride1 she generally words her letters of thanks as though they belonged equally to the groom1 especially if they have been sent by particular friends of his4 ,to ,intimate ,friends of the ,groom ,dear ,mrs4 ,norman3 ,to think of your sending us all this wonderful glass6 ,it is simply divine1 and ,jim and ,i both thank you a thousand times6 ,the presents are1 of course1 to be shown on the day of the wedding1 but do come in on ,tuesday at tea time for an earlier view4 ,thanking you again1 and with love from us both1 ,affectionately1 ,mary4 ,formal ,i ,dear ,mrs4 ,gilding3 ,it was more than sweet of you and ,mr4 ,gilding to send us such a lovely clock4 ,thank you1 very1 very much4 ,looking forward to seeing you on the tenth1 ,very sincerely1 ,mary ,smith4 ,sometimes1 as in the two examples above1 thanks to the husband are definitely expressed in writing to the wife4 ,usually1 however1 you is understood to mean you both4 ,,ii ,dear ,mrs4 ,worldly3 ,all my life ,i have wanted a piece of jade1 but in my wanting ,i have never imagined one quite so beautiful as the one you have sent me4 ,it was wonderfully sweet of you and ,i thank you more than ,i can tell you for the pleasure you have given me4 ,affectionately1 ,mary ,smith4 ,,iii4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,eminent3 ,thank you for these wonderful prints4 ,they go too beautifully with some old ,english ones that ,jim's uncle sent us1 and our dining-room will be quite perfect--as to walls6 ,hoping that you are surely coming to the wedding1 ,very sincerely1 ,mary ,smith4 ,to a ,friend ,who ,is in ,deep ,mourning ,dear ,susan3 ,with all you have on your heart just now1 it was so sweet and thoughtful of you to go out and buy me a present1 and such a beautiful one6 ,i love it--and your thought of me in sending it--and ,i thank you more than ,i can tell you4 ,devotedly1 ,mary4 ,very ,intimate ,dear ,aunt ,kate3 ,really you are too generous--it is outrageous of you--but1 of course1 it is the most beautiful bracelet6 ,and ,i am so excited oven it1 ,i hardly know what ,i am doing4 ,you are too good to me and you spoil me1 but ,i do love you1 and it1 and thank you with all my heart4 ,mary4 ,intimate ,dear ,mrs4 ,neighbor3 ,the tea cloth is perfectly exquisite6 ,i have never seen such beautiful work6 ,i appreciate your lovely gift more than ,i can tell you1 both for its own sake and for your kindness in making it for me4 ,don't forget1 you are coming in on ,tuesday afternoon to see the presents4 ,lovingly1 ,mary4 ,sometimes pushing people send presents1 when they are not asked to the wedding1 in the hope of an invitation4 ,sometimes others send presents1 when they are not asked1 merely through kindly feeling toward a young couple on the threshold of life4 ,it ought not to be difficult to distinguish between the two4 ,i ,my ,dear ,mrs4 ,upstart3 ,thank you for the very handsome candlesticks you sent us4 ,they were a great surprize1 but it was more than kind of you to think of us4 ,very sincerely1 ,mary ,smith4 ,,ii ,dear ,mrs4 ,kindly3 ,i can't tell you how sweet ,i think it of you to send us such a lovely present1 and ,jim and ,i both hope that when we are in our own home1 you will see them often at our table4 ,thanking you many times for your thought of us1 ,very sincerely1 ,mary ,smith4 ,for a ,present ,sent ,after the ,wedding ,dear ,mrs4 ,chatterton3 ,the mirror you sent us is going over our drawing-room mantel just as soon as we can hang it up6 ,it is exactly what we most needed and we both thank you ever so much4 ,please come in soon to see how becoming it will be to the room4 ,yours affectionately1 ,mary ,smith ,smartlington4 ,,thanks ,,for ,,christmas ,,or ,,other ,,presents ,dear ,lucy3 ,i really think it was adorable of you to have a chair like yours made for me4 ,it was worth adding a year to my age for such a nice birthday present4 ,jack says ,i am never going to have a chance to sit in it1 however1 if he gets there first1 and even the children look at it with longing4 ,at all events1 ,i am perfectly enchanted with it1 and thank you ever and ever so much4 ,affectionately1 ,sally4 ,dear ,uncle ,arthur3 ,i know ,i oughtn't to have opened it until ,christmas1 but ,i couldn't resist the look of the package1 and then putting it on at once6 ,so ,i am all dressed up in your beautiful chain4 ,it is one of the loveliest things ,i have ever seen and ,i certainly am lucky to have it given to me ,i ,thank you a thousand--and then more--times for it4 ,rosalie4 ,dear ,kate3 ,i am fascinated with my utility box--it is too beguiling for words6 ,you are the cleverest one anyway for finding what no one else can--and every one wants4 ,i don't know how you do it6 ,and you certainly were sweet to think of me4 ,thank you1 dear4 ,ethel4 ,,thanks ,,for ,,present ,,to ,a ,,baby ,dear ,mrs4 ,kindhart3 ,of course it would be6 ,because no one else can sew like you6 ,the sacque you made the baby is the prettiest thing ,i have ever seen1 and is perfectly adorable on her6 ,thank you1 as usual1 you dear ,mrs4 ,kindhart1 for your goodness to ,your affectionate1 ,sally4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,norman3 ,thank you ever so much for the lovely afghan you sent the baby4 ,it is by far the prettiest one he has2 it is so soft and close--he doesn't get his fingers tangled in it4 ,do come in and see him1 won't you8 ,we are both allowed visitors 7especial ones7 every day between #d and #e4cj6 ,affectionately always1 ,lucy4 ,,the ,,bread ,,and ,,butter ,,letter ,when you have been staying over ,sunday1 or for longer1 in some one's house1 it is absolutely necessary that you write a letter of thanks to your hostess within a few days after the visit4 ,bread and butter letters1 as they are called1 are the stumbling-blocks of visitors4 ,why they are so difficult for nearly every one is hard to determine1 unless it is that they are often written to persons with whom you are on formal terms1 and the letter should be somewhat informal in tone4 ,very likely you have been visiting a friend1 and must write to her mother1 whom you scarcely know2 perhaps you have been included in a large and rather formal house party and the hostess is an acquaintance rather than a friend2 or perhaps you are a bride and have been on a first visit to relatives or old friends of your husband's1 but strangers1 until now1 to you4 ,as an example of the first1 where you have been visiting a girl friend and must write a letter to her mother1 you begin ,dear ,mrs4 ,town at the top of a page1 and nothing in the forbidding memory of ,mrs4 ,town encourages you to go further4 ,it would be easy enough to write to ,pauline1 the daughter4 ,very well1 write to ,pauline then--on an odd piece of paper1 in pencil1 what a good time you had1 how nice it was to be with her4 ,then copy your note composed to ,pauline off on the page beginning ,dear ,mrs4 ,town4 ,you have only to add1 love to ,pauline1 and thanking you again for asking me1 sign it ,very sincerely1 and there you are6 ,don't be afraid that your note is too informal2 older people are always pleased with any expressions from the young that seem friendly and spontaneous4 ,never think1 because you can not easily write a letter1 that it is better not to write at all4 ,the most awkward note that can be imagined is better than none--for to write none is the depth of rudeness1 whereas the awkward note merely fails to delight4 ,,examples ,from a ,young ,woman to a ,formal ,hostess ,after a ,house ,party ,dear ,mrs4 ,norman3 ,i don't know when ,i ever had such a good time as ,i did at ,broadlawns4 ,thank you a thousand times for asking me4 ,as it happened1 the first persons ,i saw on ,monday at the ,towns' dinner were ,celia and ,donald4 ,we immediately had a threesome conversation on the wonderful time we all had over ,sunday4 ,thanking you again for your kindness to me1 ,very sincerely yours1 ,grace ,smalltalk4 ,to a ,formal ,hostess ,after an ,especially ,amusing ,week-,end ,dear ,mrs4 ,worldly3 ,every moment at ,great ,estates was a perfect delight6 ,i am afraid my work at the office this morning was down to zero in efficiency2 so perhaps it is just as well1 if ,i am to keep my job1 that the average week-end in the country is different--very4 ,thank you all the same1 for the wonderful time you gave us all1 and believe me ,faithfully yours1 ,frederick ,bachelor4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,worldly3 ,every time ,i come from ,great ,estates1 ,i realize again that there is no house to which ,i always go with so much pleasure1 and leave on ,monday morning with so much regret4 ,your party over this last week-end was simply wonderful6 ,and thank you ever so much for having included me4 ,always sincerely1 ,constance ,style4 ,from a ,young ,couple ,dear ,mrs4 ,town3 ,we had a perfect time at ,tuxedo over ,sunday and it was so good of you to include us4 ,jack says he is going to practise putting the way ,mr4 ,town showed him1 and maybe the next time he plays in a foursome he won't be such a handicap to his partner4 ,thanking you both for the pleasure you gave us1 ,affectionately yours1 ,sally ,titherington ,littlehouse ,from a ,bride to ,her ,new ,relatives-in-,law ,a letter that was written by a bride after paying a first visit to her husband's aunt and uncle won for her at a stroke the love of the whole family4 ,this is the letter3 ,dear ,aunt ,annie3 ,now that it is all over1 ,i have a confession to make6 ,do you know that when ,dick drove me up to your front door and ,i saw you and ,uncle ,bob standing on the top step--,i was simply paralyzed with fright6 ,suppose they don't like me1 was all that ,i could think4 ,of course1 ,i knew you loved ,dick--but that only made it worse4 ,how awful1 if you couldn't like me6 ,the reason ,i stumbled coming up the steps was because my knees were actually knocking together6 ,you remember1 ,uncle ,bob sang out it was good ,i was already married1 or ,i wouldn't be this year8 ,and then--you were both so perfectly adorable to me--and you made me feel as though ,i had always been your niece--and not just the wife of your nephew4 ,i loved every minute of our being with you1 dear ,aunt ,annie1 just as much as ,dick did1 and we hope you are going to let us come soon again4 ,with best love from us both1 ,your affectionate niece1 ,helen4 ,the above type of letter would not serve perhaps if ,dick's aunt had been a forbidding and austere type of woman2 but even such a one would be far more apt to take a new niece to her heart if the new niece herself gave evidence of having one4 ,after ,visiting a ,friend ,dear ,kate3 ,it was hideously dull and stuffy in town this morning after the fresh coolness of ,strandholm4 ,the back yard is not an alluring outlook after the wide spaces and delicious fragrance of your garden4 ,it was good being with you and ,i enjoyed every moment4 ,don't forget you are lunching here on the #afth and that we are going to hear ,kreisler together4 ,devotedly always1 ,caroline4 ,from a ,man ,who ,has ,been ,ill and ,convalescing at a ,friend's ,house ,dear ,martha3 ,i certainly hated taking that train this morning and realizing that the end had come to my peaceful days4 ,you and ,john and the children1 and your place1 which is the essence of all that a home ought to be1 have put me on my feet again4 ,i thank you much--much more than ,i can say for the wonderful goodness of all of you4 ,fred4 ,from a ,woman ,who ,has ,been ,visiting a ,very ,old ,friend ,i loved my visit with you1 dear ,mary2 it was more than good to be with you and have a chance for long talks at your fireside4 ,don't forget your promise to come here in ,may6 ,i told ,sam and ,hettie you were coming1 and now the whole town is ringing with the news1 and every one is planning a party for you4 ,david sends his best to you and ,charlie1 and you know you always have the love of ,your devoted ,pat4 ,to an ,acquaintance ,after a visit to a formal acquaintance or when some one has shown you especial hospitality in a city where you are a stranger3 ,my dear ,mrs4 ,duluth3 ,it was more than good of you to give my husband and me so much pleasure4 ,we enjoyed1 and appreciated1 all your kindness to us more than we can say4 ,we hope that you and ,mr4 ,duluth may be coming ,east before long and that we may then have the pleasure of seeing you at ,strandholm4 ,in the meanwhile1 thanking you for your generous hospitality1 and with kindest regards to you both1 in which my husband joins1 believe me1 ,very sincerely yours1 ,katherine de ,puyster ,eminent4 ,,an ,,engraved ,,card ,,of ,,thanks ,an engraved card of thanks is proper only when sent by a public official to acknowledge the overwhelming number of congratulatory messages he must inevitably receive from strangers1 when he has carried an election or otherwise been honored with the confidence of his ,state or country4 ,a recent and excellent example follows3 ,,executive ,,mansion ,my dear4444 ,i warmly appreciate your kind message of congratulation which has given me a great deal of pleasure1 and sincerely wish that it were possible for me to acknowledge it in a less formal manner4 ,faithfully1 7signed by hand7 ,an engraved form of thanks for sympathy1 also from one in public life1 is presented in the following example3 ,mr4 ,john ,smith wishes to express his deep gratitude and to thank you for your kind expression of sympathy ,but remember3 an engraved card sent by a private individual to a personal friend1 is not stylish or smart1 but rude4 7,see also engraved acknowledgment of sympathy1 pages #djf-g47 ,,the ,,letter ,,of ,,introduction ,a letter of business introduction can be much more freely given than a letter of social introduction4 ,for the former it is necessary merely that the persons introduced have business interests in common--which are much more easily determined than social compatibility1 which is the requisite necessary for the latter4 ,it is1 of course1 proper to give your personal representative a letter of introduction to whomever you send him4 ,on the subject of letters of social introduction there is one chief rule3 ,never ask for letters of introduction1 and be very sparing in your offers to write or accept them4 ,seemingly few persons realize that a letter of social introduction is actually a draft for payment on demand4 ,the form might as well be3 ,the bearer of this has 7because of it7 the right to demand your interest1 your time1 your hospitality--liberally and at once1 no matter what your inclination may be4 ,therefore1 it is far better to refuse in the beginning1 than to hedge and end by committing the greater error of unwarrantedly inconveniencing a valued friend or acquaintance4 ,when you have a friend who is going to a city where you have other friends1 and you believe that it will be a mutual pleasure for them to meet1 a letter of introduction is proper and very easy to write1 but sent to a casual acquaintance--no matter how attractive or distinguished the person to be introduced--it is a gross presumption4 ,,the ,,more ,,formal ,,note ,,of ,,introduction ,dear ,mrs4 ,marks3 ,julian ,gibbs is going to ,buffalo on ,january tenth to deliver a lecture on his ,polar expedition1 and ,i am sending him a card of introduction to you4 ,he is very agreeable personally1 and ,i think that perhaps you and ,mr4 ,marks will enjoy meeting him as much as ,i know he would enjoy knowing you4 ,with kindest regards1 in which ,arthur joins1 ,very sincerely1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,if ,mr4 ,norman were introducing one man to another he would give his card to the former1 inscribed as follows3 ,,hw3 ,introducing ,julian ,gibbs ,,mr4 ,,arthur ,,lees ,,norman ,,broadlawns ,also ,mr4 ,norman would send a private letter by mail1 telling his friend that ,mr4 ,gibbs is coming1 as follows3 ,dear ,marks3 ,i am giving ,julian ,gibbs a card of introduction to you when he goes to ,buffalo on the tenth to lecture4 ,he is an entertaining and very decent fellow1 and ,i think possibly ,mrs4 ,marks would enjoy meeting him4 ,if you can conveniently ask him to your house1 ,i know he would appreciate it2 if not1 perhaps you will put him up for a day or two at a club4 ,faithfully1 ,arthur ,norman4 ,,informal ,,letter ,,of ,,introduction ,dear ,claire3 ,a very great friend of ours1 ,james ,dawson1 is to be in ,chicago for several weeks4 ,any kindness that you can show him will be greatly appreciated by ,yours as always1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,at the same time a second and private letter of information is written and sent by mail3 ,dear ,claire3 ,i wrote you a letter to-day introducing ,jim ,dawson4 ,he used to be on the ,yalvard football team1 perhaps you remember4 ,he is one of the best sort in the world and ,i know you will like him4 ,i don't want to put you to any trouble1 but do ask him to your house if you can4 ,he plays a wonderful game of golf and a good game of bridge1 but he is more a man's than a woman's type of man4 ,maybe if ,tom likes him1 he will put him up at a club as he is to be in ,chicago for some weeks4 ,affectionately always1 ,ethel4 ,another example3 ,dear ,caroline3 ,a very dear friend of mine1 ,mrs4 ,fred ,west1 is going to be in ,new ,york this winter1 while her daughter is at ,barnard4 ,i am asking her to take this letter to you as ,i want very much to have her meet you and have her daughter meet ,pauline4 ,anything that you can do for them will be the same as for me6 ,yours affectionately1 ,sylvia ,greatlake4 ,the private letter by mail to accompany the foregoing3 ,dearest ,caroline3 ,mildred ,west1 for whom ,i wrote to you this morning1 is a very close friend of mine4 ,she is going to ,new ,york with her only daughter--who1 in spite of wanting a college education1 is as pretty as a picture1 with plenty of come-hither in the eye--so do not be afraid that the typical blue-stocking is to be thrust upon ,pauline6 ,the mother is an altogether lovely person and ,i know that you and she will speak the same language--if ,i didn't1 ,i wouldn't give her a letter to you4 ,do go to see her as soon as you can2 she will be stopping at the ,fitz-,cherry and probably feeling rather lost at first4 ,she wants to take an apartment for the winter and ,i told her ,i was sure you would know the best real estate and intelligence offices1 etc41 for her to go to4 ,i hope ,i am not putting you to any trouble about her1 but she is really a darling and you will like her ,i know4 ,devotedly yours1 ,sylvia4 ,directions for procedure upon being given 7or receiving7 a letter of introduction will be found on pages #af and #ag4 ,,the ,,third ,,person ,in other days when even verbal messages began with the presenting of compliments1 a social note1 no matter what its length or purport1 would have been considered rude1 unless written in the third person4 ,but as in a communication of any length the difficulty of this form is almost insurmountable 7to say nothing of the pedantic effect of its accomplishment71 it is no longer chosen--aside from the formal invitation1 acceptance and regret--except for notes to stores or subordinates4 ,for example3 ,will ,b4 ,stern ,co4 please send 7and charge7 to ,mrs4 ,john ,h4 ,smith1 #b ,madison ,avenue1 #a paper of needles ,no4 #i #b spools white sewing ,cotton ,no4 #gj #a yard of material 7sample enclosed74 ,january #f4 ,to a servant3 ,mrs4 ,eminent wishes ,patrick to meet her at the station on ,tuesday the eighth at #aa4jc4 ,she also wishes him to have the shutters opened and the house aired on that day1 and a fire lighted in the northwest room4 ,no provisions will be necessary as ,mrs4 ,eminent is returning to town on the #e4af4 ,tuesday1 ,march #a4 ,letters in the third person are no longer signed unless the sender's signature is necessary for identification1 or for some action on the part of the receiver1 such as ,will ,mr4 ,cash please give the bearer six yards of material to match the sample enclosed1 and oblige1 ,mrs4 ,john ,h4 ,smith4,a ,footnote ,a3 ,a note in #crd person is the single occasion when a married woman signs ,mrs4 before her name4 ,,the ,,letter ,,of ,,recommendation ,a letter of recommendation for membership to a club is addressed to the secretary and should be somewhat in this form3 ,to the ,secretary of the ,town ,club4 ,my dear ,mrs4 ,brown3 ,mrs4 ,titherington ,smith1 whose name is posted for membership1 is a very old and close friend of mine4 ,she is the daughter of the late ,rev4 ,samuel ,eminent and is therefore a member in her own right1 as well as by marriage1 of representative ,new ,york families4 ,she is a person of much charm and distinction1 and her many friends will agree with me1 ,i am sure1 in thinking that she would be a valuable addition to the club4 ,very sincerely1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,,recommendation ,,of ,,employees ,although the written recommendation that is given to the employee carries very little weight1 compared to the slip from the employment agencies where either yes or no has to be answered to a list of specific and important questions1 one is nevertheless put in a trying position when reporting on an unsatisfactory servant4 ,either a poor reference must be given--possibly preventing a servant from earning her living--or one has to write what is not true4 ,consequently it has become the custom to say what one truthfully can of good1 and leave out the qualifications that are bad 7except in the case of a careless nurse1 where evasion would border on the criminal74 ,that solves the poor recommendation problem pretty well2 but unless one is very careful this consideration for the poor one1 is paid for by the good4 ,in writing for a very worthy servant therefore1 it is of the utmost importance in fairness to her 7or him7 to put in every merit that you can think of1 remembering that omission implies demerit in each trait of character not mentioned4 ,all good references should include honesty1 sobriety1 capability1 and a reason1 other than their unsatisfactoriness1 for their leaving4 ,the recommendation for a nurse can not be too conscientiously written4 ,a lady does not begin a recommendation3 ,to whom it may concern1 nor ,this is to certify1 although housekeepers and head servants writing recommendations use both of these forms1 and third person letters1 are frequently written by secretaries4 ,a lady in giving a good reference should write3 ,two ,hundred ,park ,square4 ,selma ,johnson has lived with me for two years as cook4 ,i have found her honest1 sober1 industrious1 neat in her person as well as her work1 of amiable disposition and a very good cook4 ,she is leaving to my great regret because ,i am closing my house for the winter4 ,selma is an excellent servant in every way and ,i shall be glad to answer personally any inquiries about her4 ,josephine ,smith4 7,mrs4 ,titherington ,smith7 ,october1 #aiba4 ,the form of all recommendations is the same3 ---- has lived with me ---- months years as ----4 ,i have found him_/ her ----4 ,he_/,she is leaving because ----4 7,any special remark of added recommendation or showing interest7 ---- 7,mrs4 ----7 ,date4 ,,letters ,,of ,,congratulation ,,letter ,,of ,,congratulation ,,on ,,engagement ,dear ,mary3 ,while we are not altogether surprized1 we are both delighted to hear the good news4 ,jim's family and ours are very close1 as you know1 and we have always been especially devoted to ,jim4 ,he is one of the finest--and now luckiest1 of young men1 and we send you both every good wish for all possible happiness4 ,affectionately1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,just a line1 dear ,jim1 to tell you how glad we all are to hear of your happiness4 ,mary is everything that is lovely and1 of course1 from our point of view1 we don't think her exactly unfortunate either6 ,every good wish that imagination can think of goes to you from your old friends4 ,ethel and ,arthur ,norman4 ,i can't tell you1 dearest ,mary1 of all the wishes ,i send for your happiness4 ,give ,jim my love and tell him how lucky ,i think he is1 and how much ,i hope all good fortune will come to you both4 ,lovingly1 ,aunt ,kate4 ,,congratulation ,,on ,,some ,,especial ,,success ,my dear ,mrs4 ,brown3 ,we have just heard of the honors that your son has won4 ,how proud you must be of him6 ,we are both so glad for him and for you4 ,please congratulate him for us1 and believe me1 ,very sincerely1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,or3 ,dear ,mrs4 ,brown3 ,we are so glad to hear the good news of ,david's success2 it was a very splendid accomplishment and we are all so proud of him and of you4 ,please give him our love and congratulations1 and with full measure of both to you1 ,affectionately1 ,martha ,kindhart4 ,,congratulating ,a ,,friend ,,appointed ,,to ,,high ,,office ,dear ,john3 ,we are overjoyed at the good news6 ,for once the reward has fallen where it is deserved4 ,certainly no one is better fitted than yourself for a diplomat's life1 and we know you will fill the position to the honor of your country4 ,please give my love to ,alice1 and with renewed congratulations to you from us both4 ,yours always1 ,ethel ,norman4 ,another example3 ,dear ,michael3 ,we all rejoice with you in the confirmation of your appointment4 ,the ,state needs just such men as you--if we had more of your sort the ordinary citizen would have less to worry about4 ,our best congratulations6 ,john ,kindhart4 ,,the ,,letter ,,of ,,condolence ,intimate letters of condolence are like love letters1 in that they are too sacred to follow a set form4 ,one rule1 and one only1 should guide you in writing such letters4 ,say what you truly feel4 ,say that and nothing else4 ,sit down at your desk1 let your thoughts dwell on the person you are writing to4 ,don't dwell on the details of illness or the manner of death2 don't quote endlessly from the poets and ,scriptures4 ,remember that eyes filmed with tears and an aching heart can not follow rhetorical lengths of writing4 ,the more nearly a note can express a hand-clasp1 a thought of sympathy1 above all1 a genuine love or appreciation of the one who has gone1 the greater comfort it brings4 ,write as simply as possible and let your heart speak as truly and as briefly as you can4 ,forget1 if you can1 that you are using written words1 think merely how you feel--then put your feelings on paper--that is all4 ,supposing it is a young mother who has died4 ,you think how young and sweet she was--and of her little children1 and1 literally1 your heart aches for them and her husband and her own family4 ,into your thoughts must come some expression of what she was1 and what their loss must be6 ,or maybe it is the death of a man who has left a place in the whole community that will be difficult1 if not impossible1 to fill1 and you think of all he stood for that was fine and helpful to others1 and how much and sorely he will be missed4 ,or suppose that you are a returned soldier1 and it is a pal who has died4 ,all you can think of is ,poor old ,steve--what a peach he was6 ,i don't think anything will ever be the same again without him4 ,say just that6 ,ask if there is anything you can do at any time to be of service to his people4 ,there is nothing more to be said4 ,a line1 into which you have unconsciously put a little of the genuine feeling that you had for ,steve1 is worth pages of eloquence4 ,a letter of condolence may be abrupt1 badly constructed1 ungrammatical--never mind4 ,grace of expression counts for nothing2 sincerity alone is of value4 ,it is the expression1 however clumsily put1 of a personal something which was loved1 and will ever be missed1 that alone brings solace to those who are left4 ,your message may speak merely of a small incident--something so trifling that in the seriousness of the present1 seems not worth recording2 but your letter and that of many others1 each bringing a single sprig1 may plant a whole memory-garden in the hearts of the bereaved4 ,,examples ,,of ,,notes ,,and ,,telegrams ,as has been said above1 a letter of condolence must above everything express a genuine sentiment4 ,the few examples are inserted merely as suggestive guides for those at a loss to construct a short but appropriate note or telegram4 ,conventional ,note to an ,acquaintance ,i know how little the words of an outsider mean to you just now--but ,i must tell you how deeply ,i sympathize with you in your great loss4 ,note or ,telegram to a ,friend ,all my sympathy and all my thoughts are with you in your great sorrow4 ,if ,i can be of any service to you1 you know how grateful ,i shall be4 ,telegram to a ,very ,near ,relative or ,friend ,words are so empty6 ,if only ,i knew how to fill them with love and send them to you4 ,or3 ,if love and thoughts could only help you1 ,margaret dear1 you should have all the strength of both that ,i can give4 ,letter ,where ,death ,was ,release ,the letter to one whose loss is for the best is difficult in that you want to express sympathy but can not feel sad that one who has long suffered has found release4 ,the expression of sympathy in this case should not be for the present death1 but for the illness1 or whatever it was that fell long ago4 ,the grief for a paralysed mother is for the stroke which cut her down many years before1 and your sympathy1 though you may not have realized it1 is for that4 ,you might write3 ,your sorrow during all these years--and now--is in my heart2 and all my thoughts and sympathy are with you4 ,,how ,,to ,,address ,,important ,,personages ,if you ,formal are speaking1 beginning of you say3 ,envelope addressed3 a letter3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,the ,president ,mr4 ,president ,the ,president of the ,sir3 ,and occasionally ,united ,states throughout a or merely conversation1 ,the ,president1 ,sir4 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 7,there is only one ,president7 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,the ,mr4 ,vice-,president ,the ,vice-,president1 ,sir3 ,vice-,president and then1 ,sir4 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,justice of ,mr4 ,justice ,the ,hon4 ,william ,h4 ,taft1 ,sir3 ,supreme ,court ,chief ,justice of the ,supreme ,court1 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,member of the ,mr4 ,secretary ,the ,secretary of ,commerce1 ,dear ,sir3 ,president's ,washington1 ,d4,c4 or3 or ,cabinet ,the ,hon4 ,herbert ,hoover1 ,sir3 ,secretary of ,commerce1 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,united ,states ,senator ,lodge ,senator ,henry ,cabot ,lodge1 ,dear ,sir3 7or ,state7 ,washington1 ,d4,c4 or ,senator or a private letter3 ,sir3 ,senator ,henry ,cabot ,lodge1 7,his house address7 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,member of ,mr4 ,bell ,the ,hon4 ,h4,c4 ,bell1 ,jr41 ,dear ,sir3 ,congress 7or or1 you may say ,house of ,representatives1 or ,legislature7 ,congressman ,washington1 ,d4,c4 ,sir3 or3 ,state ,assembly1 ,albany1 ,new ,york4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,governor ,governor ,miller ,his ,excellency1 ,the 7,the ,governor is ,governor1 ,your not called ,albany1 ,new ,york4 ,excellency3 ,excellency when spoken to and very rarely when he is announced4 ,but letters are addressed and begun with this title of courtesy47 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,mayor ,mr4 ,mayor ,his ,honor the ,mayor1 ,dear ,sir3 ,city ,hall1 ,chicago4 or ,sir3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,cardinal ,your ,eminence ,his ,eminence ,john ,cardinal ,your ,gibbons1 ,baltimore1 ,md4 ,eminence3 7section #b7 ,informal ,correct titles in beginning3 ,formal ,close3 ,informal close3 introduction3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,my dear ,mr4 ,i have the honor to ,president3 remain1 ,i have the honor to ,most respectfully remain1 yours1 ,yours faithfully1 or or ,the ,president4 ,i have the honor to ,i am1 dear remain1 sir1 ,mr4 ,president1 ,your most obedient ,yours faithfully4 servant4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,my dear ,same as for ,believe me1 ,the ,mr4 ,vice ,president4 ,yours faithfully4 ,vice-,president4 ,president3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mr4 ,believe me1 ,the ,chief ,justice ,justice ,yours very truly1 or1 ,taft3 or ,believe me1 if an ,i have the honor to ,yours faithfully4 ,associate ,justice1 remain1 ,mr4 ,justice ,yours very truly4 ,holmes4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,my dear ,mr4 ,the ,secretary ,secretary3 ,same as above4 ,same as above4 of ,commerce4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,senator ,senator ,lodge4 ,lodge3 ,on very formal ,same as above4 ,same as above4 and unusual occasions1 ,senator ,lodge of ,massachusetts4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mr4 ,bell4 ,mr4 ,bell3 ,believe me1 or ,yours very truly4 ,yours faithfully4 ,dear ,congressman3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,the ,governor ,governor ,i have the honor to ,believe me1 7in his own state7 ,miller3 remain1 ,yours faithfully4 or1 7out of it17 ,yours faithfully4 ,the ,governor of ,michigan4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mayor ,believe me1 ,yours faithfully4 ,mayor ,rolph4 ,rolph3 ,very truly yours4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,your ,i have the honor to ,eminence3 remain1 ,your ,eminence's ,his ,eminence4 ,your ,eminence's humble servant4 humble servant4 ,,how ,,to ,,address ,,important ,,personages ,if you are ,envelope ,formal beginning speaking1 you say3 addressed3 of a letter ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,roman ,catholic ,your ,grace ,the ,most ,reverend ,most ,reverend ,archbishop ,michael ,corrigan1 and dear ,sir3 7,there is no ,archbishop of ,protestant ,new ,york4 ,archbishop in the ,united ,states7 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,bishop ,bishop ,manning ,to the ,right ,reverend ,most ,reverend 7,whether ,roman ,william ,t4 ,manning1 and dear ,sir3 ,catholic or ,bishop of ,new ,york4 ,protestant47 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,priest ,father or ,the ,rev4 ,reverend ,father ,duffy ,michael ,duffy4 and dear ,sir3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,protestant ,mr4 ,saintly ,the ,rev4 ,geo4 ,sir3 ,clergyman 7,if he is ,d4,d4 or ,saintly4 7,if you do or ,,ll4,d41 you call him not know his first ,my dear ,sir3 ,dr4 ,saintly47 name1 write ,the ,rev4 444 ,saintly4 rather than the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,saintly7 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,rabbi ,rabbi ,wise ,dr4 ,stephen ,wise1 ,dear ,sir3 7,if he is ,d4,d4 or or ,rabbi ,stephen ,,ll4,d41 he is called ,wise1 or ,rev4 ,dr4 ,wise7 ,stephen ,wise4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,ambassador ,your ,excellency ,his ,excellency ,your or ,the ,american ,excellency3 ,mr4 ,ambassador ,ambassador1,b ,american ,embassy1 ,london4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,minister ,in ,english he is ,the ,hon4 ,j4,d4 ,sir3 is ,pleni- usually called ,mr4 ,prince1 ,american correct but1 potentiary ,prince1 though it ,legation1 ,your is not incorrect to ,copenhagen1 or ,excellency3 call him ,mr4 7more courteously7 is sometimes ,minister4 ,the ,his ,excellency1 ,the used in title ,excellency ,american ,minister1 courtesy4 is also occasionally ,copenhagen1 ,denmark used in courtesy1 though it does not belong to him4 ,in ,french he is always called ,monsieur le ,ministre ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ,consul ,mr4 ,smith ,if he has held office ,sir3 as assemblyman or or commissioner1 so that ,my dear ,sir3 he has the right to the title of ,honorable is addressed3 ,the ,hon4 ,john ,smith1 otherwise3 ,john ,smith1 ,esq41 ,american ,consul1 ,rue ,quelque ,chose1 ,paris4 7section #b7 ,correct ,informal ,informal titles in beginning3 ,formal close3 close3 introduction3 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,most ,reverend ,i have the honor ,same as formal ,the ,most and ,dear ,sir3 to remain1 close4 ,reverend ,the ,your humble servant1 ,archbishop4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,my ,dear ,bishop ,i have the honor to ,faithfully ,bishop ,manning3 remain1 ,your obedient yours4 ,manning4 servant1 or1 to remain1 ,respectfully yours1 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,father ,i beg to remain1 ,faithfully ,father ,duffy3 ,yours faithfully1 yours4 ,duffy4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,dr4 ,saintly3 ,same as above1 ,faithfully ,dr4 7or ,mr47 7or ,dear ,mr4 yours1 or ,saintly ,saintly if he is ,sincerely not a ,d4,d47 yours1 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,dr4 ,wise3 ,i beg to remain1 ,yours ,rabbi ,wise4 ,yours sincerely1 sincerely1 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mr4 ,i have the honor to ,yours ,the ,ambassador3 remain1 ,yours faithfully1 ,american faithfully1 or1 ,yours ,ambassador4 very truly1 or1 ,yours respectfully4 or very formally3 ,i have the honor to remain1 sir1 your obedient servant4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mr4 ,same as above4 ,yours ,mr4 ,prince1 ,minister3 faithfully1 the ,american or ,dear ,minister1 or ,mr4 ,prince3 merely1 ,the ,american ,minister as everyone is supposed to know his name or find it out4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ,dear ,mr4 ,smith3 ,i beg to remain1 ,faithfully1 ,mr4 ,smith ,yours very truly4 ,footnote ,b3 ,although our ,ambassadors and ,ministers represent the ,united ,states of ,america1 it is customary both in ,europe and ,asia to omit the words ,united ,states and write to and speak of the ,american ,embassy and ,legation4 ,in addressing a letter to one of our representatives in countries of the ,western ,hemisphere1 ,the ,united ,states of ,america is always specified by way of courtesy to the ,americans of ,south ,america4 ,foreign persons of title are not included in the foregoing diagram because an ,american 7unless in the ,diplomatic ,service7 would be unlikely to address any but personal friends1 to whom he would write as to any others4 ,an envelope would be addressed in the language of the person written to3 ,his ,grace1 the ,duke of ,overthere 7or merely ,the ,duke of ,overthere71 ,hyde ,park1 ,london2 ,mme4 la ,princess d',acacia1 ,ave4 du ,bois1 ,paris2 ,il ,principe di ,capri1 ,cusano sul ,seveso2 ,lady ,alwin1 ,cragmere1 ,scotland1 etc4 ,the letter would begin1 ,dear ,duke of ,overthere 7or ,dear ,duke71 ,dear ,princess1 ,dear ,countess ,aix1 ,dear ,lady ,alwin1 ,dear ,sir ,hubert1 etc41 and close1 ,sincerely1 ,faithfully1 or ,affectionately1 as the case might be4 ,should an ,american have occasion to write to ,royalty he would begin3 ,madam 7or ,sir71 and end3 ,i have the honor to remain1 madam 7or ,sir71 your most obedient4 7,your most obedient servant is a signature reserved usually for our own ,president--or ,vice-,president47 ,,chapter ,,xxviii ,,longer ,,letters ,the art of general letter-writing in the present day is shrinking until the letter threatens to become a telegram1 a telephone message1 a post-card4 ,since the events of the day are transmitted in newspapers with far greater accuracy1 detail1 and dispatch than they could be by the single effort of even ,voltaire himself1 the circulation of general news1 which formed the chief reason for letters of the stage-coach and sailing-vessel days1 has no part in the correspondence of to-day4 ,taking the contents of an average mail bag as sorted in a ,united ,states post-office1 about fifty per cent4 is probably advertisement or appeal1 forty per cent4 business1 and scarcely ten per cent4 personal letters and invitations4 ,of course1 love letters are probably as numerous as need be1 though the long distance telephone must have lowered the average of these1 too4 ,young girls write to each other1 no doubt1 much as they did in olden times1 and letters between young girls and young men flourish to-day like unpulled weeds in a garden where weeds were formerly never allowed to grow4 ,it is the letter from the friend in this city to the friend in that1 or from the traveling relative to the relative at home1 that is gradually dwindling4 ,as for the letter which younger relatives dutifully used to write--it has gone already with old-fashioned grace of speech and deportment4 ,still1 people do write letters in this day and there are some who possess the divinely flexible gift for a fresh turn of phrase1 for delightful keenness of observation4 ,it may be1 too1 that in other days the average writing was no better than the average of to-day4 ,it is naturally the letters of those who had unusual gifts which have been preserved all these years1 for the failures of a generation are made to die with it1 and only its successes survive4 ,the difference though1 between letter-writers of the past and of the present1 is that in other days they all tried to write1 and to express themselves the very best they knew how--to-day people don't care a bit whether they write well or ill4 ,mental effort is one thing that the younger generation of the smart world seems to consider it unreasonable to ask--and just as it is the fashion to let their spines droop until they suggest nothing so much as ,tenniel's drawing in ,alice in ,wonderland of the caterpillar sitting on the toad-stool--so do they let their mental faculties relax1 slump and atrophy4 ,to such as these1 to whom effort is an insurmountable task1 it might be just as well to say frankly3 ,if you have a mind that is entirely bromidic1 if you are lacking in humor1 all power of observation1 and facility for expression1 you had best join the ever-growing class of people who frankly confess1 ,i can't write letters to save my life6 and confine your literary efforts to picture post-cards with the engaging captions ,x is my room1 or ,beautiful weather1 wish you were here4 ,it is not at all certain that your friends and family would not rather have frequent post-cards than occasional letters all too obviously displaying the meagerness of their messages in halting orthography4 ,,beginning ,a ,,letter ,for most people the difficulty in letter-writing is in the beginning and the close4 ,once they are started1 the middle goes smoothly enough1 until they face the difficulty of the end4 ,the direction of the ,professor of ,english to ,begin at the beginning of what you have to say1 and go on until you have finished1 and then stop1 is very like a celebrated artist's direction for painting3 ,you simply take a little of the right color paint and put it on the right spot4 ,,how ,,not ,,to ,,begin ,even one who loves the very sight of your handwriting1 could not possibly find any pleasure in a letter beginning3 ,i have been meaning to write you for a long time but haven't had a minute to spare4 ,or3 ,i suppose you have been thinking me very neglectful1 but you know how ,i hate to write letters4 ,or3 ,i know ,i ought to have answered your letter sooner1 but ,i haven't had a thing to write about4 ,the above sentences are written time and again by persons who are utterly unconscious that they are not expressing a friendly or loving thought4 ,if one of your friends were to walk into the room1 and you were to receive him stretched out and yawning in an easy chair1 no one would have to point out the rudeness of such behavior2 yet countless kindly intentioned people begin their letters mentally reclining and yawning in just such a way4 ,,how ,,to ,,begin ,a ,,letter ,suppose you merely change the wording of the above sentences1 so that instead of slamming the door in your friend's face1 you hold it open3 ,do you think ,i have forgotten you entirely8 ,you don't know1 dear ,mary1 how many letters ,i have written you in thought4 ,or3 ,time and time again ,i have wanted to write you but each moment that ,i saved for myself was always interrupted by something4 ,one of the frequent difficulties in beginning a letter is that your answer is so long delayed that you begin with an apology1 which is always a lame duck4 ,but these examples indicate a way in which even an opening apology may be attractive rather than repellent4 ,if you are going to take the trouble to write a letter1 you are doing it because you have at least remembered some one with friendly regard1 or you would not be writing at all4 ,you certainly would like to convey the impression that you want to be with your friend in thought for a little while at least--not that she through some malignant force is holding you to a grindstone and forcing you to the task of making hateful schoolroom pot-hooks for her selfish gain4 ,a perfect letter has always the effect of being a light dipping off of the top of a spring4 ,a poor letter suggests digging into the dried ink at the bottom of an ink-well4 ,it is easy to begin a letter if it is in answer to one that has just been received4 ,the news contained in it is fresh and the impulse to reply needs no prodding4 ,nothing can be simpler than to say3 ,we were all overjoyed to hear from you this morning1 or1 ,your letter was the most welcome thing the postman has brought for ages1 or1 ,it was more than good to have news of you this morning1 or1 ,your letter from ,capri brought all the allure of ,italy back to me1 or1 ,you can't imagine1 dear ,mary1 how glad ,i was to see an envelope with your writing this morning4 ,and then you take up the various subjects in ,mary's letter1 which should certainly launch you without difficulty upon topics of your own4 ,,ending ,a ,,letter ,just as the beginning of a letter should give the reader an impression of greeting1 so should the end express friendly or affectionate leave-taking4 ,nothing can be worse than to seem to scratch helplessly around in the air for an idea that will effect your escape4 ,well1 ,i guess ,i must stop now1 ,well1 ,i must close1 or1 ,you are probably bored with this long epistle1 so ,i had better close4 ,all of these are as bad as they can be1 and suggest the untutored man who stands first on one foot and then on the other1 running his finger around the brim of his hat1 or the country girl twisting the corner of her apron4 ,,how ,,to ,,end ,a ,,letter ,an intimate letter has no end at all4 ,when you leave the house of a member of your family1 you don't have to think up an especial sentence in order to say good-by4 ,leave-taking in a letter is the same3 ,good-by1 dearest1 for to-day4 ,devotedly1 ,kate4 ,or3 ,best love to you all1 ,martin4 ,or3 ,will write again in a day or two4 ,lovingly1 ,mary4 ,or3 ,luncheon was announced half a page ago6 ,so good-by1 dear ,mary1 for to-day4 ,the close of a less intimate letter1 like taking leave of a visitor in your drawing-room1 is necessarily more ceremonious4 ,and the ceremonious close presents to most people the greatest difficulty in letter-writing4 ,it is really quite simple1 if you realize that the aim of the closing paragraph is merely to bring in a personal hyphen between the person writing and the person written to4 ,the mountains were beautiful at sunset4 ,it is a bad closing sentence because the mountains have nothing personal to either of you4 ,but if you can add --they reminded me of the time we were in ,colorado together1 or --how different from our wide prairies at home1 you have crossed a bridge1 as it were4 ,or3 ,we have had a wonderful trip1 but ,i do miss you all at home1 and long to hear from you soon again4 ,or 7from one at home73 ,your closed house makes me very lonely to pass4 ,i do hope you are coming back soon4 ,sometimes an ending falls naturally into a sentence that ends with your signature4 ,if ,i could look up now and see you coming into the room1 there would be no happier woman in the whole ,state than ,your devoted mother4 ,,letters ,,no ,,one ,,cares ,,to ,,read ,,letters ,,of ,,calamity ,first and foremost in the category of letters that no one can possibly receive with pleasure might be put the letter of calamity1 the letter of gloomy apprehension1 the letter filled with petty annoyances4 ,less disturbing to receive but far from enjoyable are such letters as the blank1 the meandering1 the letter of the capital ,i1 the plaintive1 the apologetic4 ,there is scarcely any one who has not one or more relatives or friends whose letters belong in one of these classes4 ,even in so personal a matter as the letter to an absent member of one's immediate family1 it should be borne in mind1 not to write needlessly of misfortune or unhappiness4 ,to hear from those we love how ill or unhappy they are1 is to have our distress intensified in direct proportion to the number of miles by which we are separated from them4 ,this last example1 however1 has nothing in common with the choosing of calamity and gloom as a subject of welcome tidings in ordinary correspondence4 ,the chronic calamity writers seem to wait until the skies are darkest1 and then1 rushing to their desk1 luxuriate in pouring all their troubles and fears of troubles out on paper to their friends4 ,,letters ,,of ,,gloomy ,,apprehension ,my little ,betty ,my little adds to the pathos much more than saying merely ,betty has been feeling miserable for several days4 ,i am worried to death about her1 as there are so many sudden cases of typhoid and appendicitis4 ,the doctor says the symptoms are not at all alarming as yet1 but doctors see so much of illness and death1 they don't seem to appreciate what anxiety means to a mother1 etc4 ,another writes3 ,the times seem to be getting worse and worse4 ,i always said we would have to go through a long night before any chance of daylight4 ,you can mark my words1 the night of bad times isn't much more than begun4 ,or1 ,i have scarcely slept for nights1 worrying about whether ,junior has passed his examinations or not4 ,,letters ,,of ,,petty ,,misfortunes ,other perfectly well-meaning friends fancy they are giving pleasure when they write such news as3 ,my cook has been sick for the past ten days1 and follow this with a page or two descriptive of her ailments2 or1 ,i have a slight cough4 ,i think ,i must have caught it yesterday when ,i went out in the rain without rubbers2 or1 ,the children have not been doing as well in their lessons this week as last4 ,johnny's arithmetic marks were dreadful and ,katie got an ,e in spelling and an ,f in geography4 ,her husband and her mother would be interested in the children's weekly reports1 and her own slight cough1 but no one else4 ,how could they be8 ,if the writers of all such letters would merely read over what they have written1 and ask themselves if they could find pleasure in receiving messages of like manner and matter1 perhaps they might begin to do a little thinking1 and break the habit of cataleptic unthinkingness that seemingly descends upon them as soon as they are seated at their desk4 ,,the ,,blank ,the writer of the blank letter begins fluently with the date and ,dear ,mary1 and then sits and chews his penholder or makes little dots and squares and circles on the blotter-utterly unable to attack the cold1 forbidding blankness of that first page4 ,mentally1 he seems to say3 ,well1 here ,i am--and now what8 ,he has not an idea6 ,he can never find anything of sufficient importance to write about4 ,a murder next door1 a house burned to the ground1 a burglary or an elopement could alone furnish material2 and that1 too1 would be finished off in a brief sentence stating the bare fact4 ,a person whose life is a revolving wheel of routine may have really very little to say1 but a letter does not have to be long to be welcome--it can be very good indeed if it has a message that seems to have been spoken4 ,dear ,lucy3 ,life here is as dull as ever--duller if anything4 ,just the same old things done in the same old way--not even a fire engine out or a new face in town1 but this is to show you that ,i am thinking of you and longing to hear from you4 ,or3 ,i wish something really exciting would happen so that ,i might have something with a little thrill in it to write you1 but everything goes on and on--if there were any check in its sameness1 ,i think we'd all land in a heap against the edge of the town4 ,,the ,,meandering ,,letter ,as its name implies1 the meandering letter is one which dawdles through disconnected subjects1 like a trolley car gone down grade off the track1 through fences and fields and flower-beds indiscriminately4 ,mrs4 ,blake's cow died last week1 the ,governor and his wife were on the ,reception ,committee2 ,mary ,selfridge went to stay with her aunt in ,riverview2 ,i think the new shade called ,harding blue is perfectly hideous4 ,another that is almost akin to it1 runs glibly on1 page after page of meaningless repetition and detail4 ,i thought at first that ,i would get a gray dress--,i think gray is such a pretty color1 and ,i have had so many blue dresses4 ,i can't decide this time whether to get blue or gray4 ,sometimes ,i think gray is more becoming to me than blue4 ,i think gray looks well on fair-haired people--,i don't know whether you would call my hair fair or not8 ,i am certainly not dark1 and yet fair hair suggests a sort of straw color4 ,maybe ,i might be called medium fair4 ,do you think ,i am light enough to wear gray8 ,maybe blue would be more serviceable4 ,gray certainly looks pretty in the spring1 it is so clean and fresh looking4 ,there is a lovely ,french model at ,benson's in gray1 but ,i can have it copied for less in blue4 ,maybe it won't be as pretty though as the gray1 etc41 etc4 ,by the above method of cud-chewing1 any subject1 clothes1 painting the house1 children's school1 planting a garden1 or even the weather1 need be limited only by the supply of paper and ink4 ,,the ,,letter ,,of ,,the ,,capital ,i ,the letter of the capital ,i is a pompous effusion which strives through pretentiousness to impress its reader with its writer's wealth1 position1 ability1 or whatever possession or attribute is thought to be rated most highly4 ,none but unfortunate dependents or the cringing in spirit would subject themselves to a second letter of this kind by answering the first4 ,the letter which hints at hoped-for benefits is no worse6 ,,the ,,letter ,,of ,,chronic ,,apology ,the letter written by a person with an apologetic habit of mind1 is different totally from the sometimes necessary letter of genuine apology4 ,the former is as senseless as it is irritating3 ,it was so good of you to come to my horrid little shanty4 ,the house and the food she served were both probably better than that of the person she is writing to4 ,i know you had nothing fit to eat1 and ,i know that everything was just all wrong6 ,of course1 everything is always so beautifully done at everything you give1 ,i wonder ,i have the courage to ask you to dine with me4 ,,the ,,dangerous ,,letter ,a pitfall that those of sharp wit have to guard against is the thoughtless tendency toward writing ill-natured things4 ,ridicule is a much more amusing medium for the display of a subject than praise1 which is always rather bromidic4 ,the amusing person catches foibles and exploits them1 and it is easy to forget that wit flashes all too irresistibly at the expense of other people's feelings1 and the brilliant tongue is all too often sharpened to rapier point4 ,admiration for the quickness of a spoken quip1 somewhat mitigates its cruelty4 ,the exuberance of the retailer of verbal gossip eliminates the implication of scandals but both quip and gossip become deadly poison when transferred permanently to paper4 ,,permanence ,,of ,,written ,,emotion ,for all emotions written words are a bad medium4 ,the light jesting tone that saves a quip from offense can not be expressed2 and remarks that if spoken would amuse1 can but piqu and even insult their subject4 ,without the interpretation of the voice1 gaiety becomes levity1 raillery becomes accusation4 ,moreover1 words of a passing moment are made to stand forever4 ,anger in a letter carries with it the effect of solidified fury2 the words spoken in reproof melt with the breath of the speaker once the cause is forgiven4 ,the written words on the page fix them for eternity4 ,love in a letter endures likewise forever4 ,admonitions from parents to their children may very properly be put on paper--they are meant to endure1 and be remembered1 but momentary annoyance should never be more than briefly expressed4 ,there is no better way of insuring his letters against being read than for a parent to get into the habit of writing irritable or faultfinding letters to his children4 ,,the ,,letters ,,of ,,two ,,wives ,do you ever see a man look through a stack of mail1 and notice that suddenly his face lights up as he seizes a letter from home8 ,he tears it open eagerly1 his mouth up-curving at the corners1 as he lingers over every word4 ,you know1 without being told1 that the wife he had to leave behind puts all the best she can devise and save for him into his life as well as on paper6 ,do you ever see a man go through his mail and see him suddenly droop--as1 though a fog had fallen upon his spirits8 ,do you see him reluctantly pick out a letter1 start to open it1 hesitate and then push it aside8 ,his expression says plainly3 ,i can't face that just now4 ,then by and by1 when his lips have been set in a hard line1 he will doggedly open his letter to see what the trouble is now4 ,if for once there is no trouble1 he sighs with relief1 relaxes1 and starts the next thing he has to do4 ,usually1 though1 he frowns1 looks worried1 annoyed1 harassed1 and you know that every small unpleasantness is punctiliously served to him by one who promised to love and to cherish and who probably thinks she does6 ,,the ,,letter ,,everyone ,,loves ,,to ,,receive ,the letter we all love to receive is one that carries so much of the writer's personality that she seems to be sitting beside us1 looking at us directly and talking just as she really would1 could she have come on a magic carpet1 instead of sending her proxy in ink-made characters on mere paper4 ,let us suppose we have received one of those perfect letters from ,mary1 one of those letters that seem almost to have written themselves1 so easily do the words flow1 so bubbling and effortless is their spontaneity4 ,there is a great deal in the letter about ,mary1 not only about what she has been doing1 but what she has been thinking1 or perhaps1 feeling4 ,and there is a lot about us in the letter--nice things1 that make us feel rather pleased about something that we have done1 or are likely to do1 or that some one has said about us4 ,we know that all things of concern to us are of equal concern to ,mary1 and though there will be nothing of it in actual words1 we are made to feel that we are just as secure in our corner of ,mary's heart as ever we were4 ,and we finish the letter with a very vivid remembrance of ,mary's sympathy1 and a sense of loss in her absence1 and a longing for the time when ,mary herself may again be sitting on the sofa beside us and telling us all the details her letter can not but leave out4 ,,the ,,letter ,,no ,,woman ,,should ,,ever ,,write ,the mails carry letters every day that are so many packages of ,,tnt should their contents be exploded by falling into wrong hands4 ,letters that should never have been written are put in evidence in court rooms every day4 ,many can not1 under any circumstances1 be excused2 but often silly girls and foolish women write things that sound quite different from what1 they innocently1 but stupidly1 intended4 ,few persons1 except professional writers1 have the least idea of the value of words and the effect that they produce1 and the thoughtless letters of emotional women and underbred men add sensation to news items in the press almost daily4 ,of course the best advice to a young girl who is impelled to write letters to men1 can be put in one word1 don't6 ,however1 if you are a young girl or woman1 and are determined to write letters to an especial--or any other--man1 no matter how innocent your intention may be1 there are some things you must remember--remember so intensely that no situation in life1 no circumstances1 no temptation1 can ever make you forget4 ,they are a few set rules1 not of etiquette1 but of the laws of self-respect3 ,never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly sound different from what you intend to say4 ,never so long as you live1 write a letter to a man--no matter who he is--that you would be ashamed to see in a newspaper above your signature4 ,remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you1 and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence4 ,never write anything that can be construed as sentimental4 ,never take a man to task about anything2 never ask for explanations2 to do so implies too great an intimacy4 ,never put a single clinging tentacle into writing4 ,say nothing ever1 that can be construed as demanding1 asking1 or even being eager for1 his attentions6 ,always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person1 and that the very one you would most object to1 may find and read the letter4 ,one word more3 ,it is not alone bad form but laying yourself open to every sort of embarrassment and danger1 to correspond with a man you slightly know4 ,,proper ,,letters ,,of ,,love ,,or ,,affection ,if you are engaged1 of course you should write love letters--the most beautiful that you can--but don't write baby-talk and other sillinesses that would make you feel idiotic if the letter were to fall into strange hands4 ,on the other hand1 few can find objection to the natural1 friendly and even affectionate letter from a young girl to a young man she has been brought up with4 ,it is such a letter as she would write to her brother4 ,there is no hint of coquetry or self-consciousness1 no word from first to last that might not be shouted aloud before her whole family4 ,her letter may begin ,dear or even ,dearest ,jack4 ,then follows all the home news she can think of that might possibly interest him2 about the ,simpsons' dance1 ,tom and ,pauline's engagement1 how many trout ,bill ,henderson got at ,duck ,brook1 how furious ,mrs4 ,davis was because some distinguished visitor accepted ,mrs4 ,brown's dinner instead of hers1 how the new people who have moved onto the ,rush farm don't know the first thing about farming1 and so on4 ,perhaps there will be one personal line such as we all missed you at the picnic on ,wednesday--,ollie made the flap-jacks and they were too awful6 ,every one groaned3 ',if ,jack were only here6' ,or1 we all hope you are coming back in time for the ,towns' dance4 ,kate has at last inveigled her mother into letting her have an all-black dress which we rather suspect was bought with the especial purpose of impressing you with her advanced age and dignity6 ,mother came in just as ,i wrote this and says to tell you she has a new recipe for chocolate cake that is even better than her old one1 and that you had better have a piece added to your belt before you come home4 ,carrie will write you very soon1 she says1 and we all send love4 ,affectionately1 ,ruth4 ,,the ,,letter ,,no ,,gentleman ,,writes ,one of the fundamental rules for the behavior of any man who has the faintest pretension to being a gentleman1 is that never by word or gesture must he compromise a woman2 he never1 therefore1 writes a letter that can be construed1 even by a lawyer1 as damaging to any woman's good name4 ,his letters to an unmarried woman may express all the ardor and devotion that he cares to subscribe to1 but there must be no hint of his having received especial favors from her4 ,,don',,ts ,,for ,,correspondence ,never typewrite an invitation1 acceptance1 or regret4 ,never typewrite a social note4 ,be chary of underscorings and postscripts4 ,do not write across a page already written on4 ,do not use unmatched paper and envelopes4 ,do not write in pencil--except a note to one of your family written on a train or where ink is unprocurable1 or unless you are flat on your back because of illness4 ,never send a letter with a blot on it4 ,never sprinkle ,french1 ,italian1 or any other foreign words through a letter written in ,english4 ,you do not give an impression of cultivation1 but of ignorance of your own language4 ,use a foreign word if it has no ,english equivalent1 not otherwise unless it has become ,anglicized4 ,if hesitating between two words1 always select the one of ,saxon origin rather than ,latin4 ,for the best selection of words to use1 study the ,king ,james version of the ,bible4 ,,chapter ,,xxix ,,the ,,fundamentals ,,of ,,good ,,behavior ,far more important than any mere dictum of etiquette is the fundamental code of honor1 without strict observance of which no man1 no matter how polished1 can be considered a gentleman4 ,the honor of a gentleman demands the inviolability of his word1 and the incorruptibility of his principles2 he is the descendant of the knight1 the crusader2 he is the defender of the defenseless1 and the champion of justice--or he is not a gentleman4 ,,decencies ,,of ,,behavior ,a gentleman does not1 and a man who aspires to be one must not1 ever borrow money from a woman1 nor should he1 except in unexpected circumstances1 borrow money from a man4 ,money borrowed without security is a debt of honor which must be paid without fail and promptly as possible4 ,the debts incurred by a deceased parent1 brother1 sister1 or grown child1 are assumed by honorable men and women1 as debts of honor4 ,a gentleman never takes advantage of a woman in a business dealing1 nor of the poor or the helpless4 ,one who is not well off does not sponge1 but pays his own way to the utmost of his ability4 ,one who is rich does not make a display of his money or his possessions4 ,only a vulgarian talks ceaselessly about how much this or that cost him4 ,a very well-bred man intensely dislikes the mention of money1 and never speaks of it 7out of business hours7 if he can avoid it4 ,a gentleman never discusses his family affairs either in public or with acquaintances1 nor does he speak more than casually about his wife4 ,a man is a cad who tells anyone1 no matter who1 what his wife told him in confidence1 or describes what she looks like in her bedroom4 ,to impart details of her beauty is scarcely better than to publish her blemishes2 to do either is unspeakable4 ,nor does a gentleman ever criticise the behavior of a wife whose conduct is scandalous4 ,what he says to her in the privacy of their own apartments is no one's affair but his own1 but he must never treat her with disrespect before their children1 or a servant1 or any one4 ,a man of honor never seeks publicly to divorce his wife1 no matter what he believes her conduct to have been2 but for the protection of his own name1 and that of the children1 he allows her to get her freedom on other than criminal grounds4 ,no matter who he may be1 whether rich1 or poor1 in high life or low1 the man who publicly besmirches his wife's name1 besmirches still more his own1 and proves that he is not1 was not1 and never will be1 a gentleman4 ,no gentleman goes to a lady's house if he is affected by alcohol4 ,a gentleman seeing a young man who is not entirely himself in the presence of ladies1 quietly induces the youth to depart4 ,an older man addicted to the use of too much alcohol1 need not be discussed1 since he ceases to be asked to the houses of ladies4 ,a gentleman does not lose control of his temper4 ,in fact1 in his own self-control under difficult or dangerous circumstances1 lies his chief ascendancy over others who impulsively betray every emotion which animates them4 ,exhibitions of anger1 fear1 hatred1 embarrassment1 ardor or hilarity1 are all bad form in public4 ,and bad form is merely an action which jars the sensibilities of others4 ,a gentleman does not show a letter written by a lady1 unless perhaps to a very intimate friend if the letter is entirely impersonal and written by some one who is equally the friend of the one to whom it is shown4 ,but the occasions when the letter of a woman may be shown properly by a man are so few that it is safest to make it a rule never to mention a woman's letter4 ,a gentleman does not bow to a lady from a club window2 nor according to good form should ladies ever be discussed in a man's club6 ,a man whose social position is self-made is apt to be detected by his continual cataloguing of prominent names4 ,mr4 ,parvenu invariably interlards his conversation with1 ,when ,i was dining at the ,bobo ,gilding's2 or even at ,lucy ,gilding's1 and quite often accentuates1 in his ignorance1 those of rather second-rate1 though conspicuous position4 ,i was spending last week-end with the ,richan ,vulgars1 or ,my great friends1 the ,gotta ,crusts4 ,when a so-called gentleman insists on imparting information1 interesting only to the ,social ,register1 shun him6 ,the born gentleman avoids the mention of names exactly as he avoids the mention of what things cost2 both are an abomination to his soul4 ,a gentleman's manners are an integral part of him and are the same whether in his dressing-room or in a ballroom1 whether in talking to ,mrs4 ,worldly or to the laundress bringing in his clothes4 ,he whose manners are only put on in company is a veneered gentleman1 not a real one4 ,a man of breeding does not slap strangers on the back nor so much as lay his finger-tips on a lady4 ,nor does he punctuate his conversation by pushing or nudging or patting people1 nor take his conversation out of the drawing-room6 ,notwithstanding the advertisements in the most dignified magazines1 a discussion of underwear and toilet articles and their merit or their use1 is unpleasant in polite conversation4 ,all thoroughbred people are considerate of the feelings of others no matter what the station of the others may be4 ,thackeray's climber who licks the boots of those above him and kicks the faces of those below him on the social ladder1 is a1 very good illustration of what a gentleman is not4 ,a gentleman never takes advantage of another's helplessness or ignorance1 and assumes that no gentleman will take advantage of him4 ,,simplicity ,,and ,,unconsciousness ,,of ,,self ,these words have been literally sprinkled through the pages of this book1 yet it is doubtful if they convey a clear idea of the attributes meant4 ,unconsciousness of self is not so much unselfishness as it is the mental ability to extinguish all thought of one's self--exactly as one turns out the light4 ,simplicity is like it1 in that it also has a quality of self-effacement1 but it really means a love of the essential and of directness4 ,simple people put no trimmings on their phrases1 nor on their manners2 but remember1 simplicity is not crudeness nor anything like it4 ,on the contrary1 simplicity of speech and manners means language in its purest1 most limpid form1 and manners of such perfection that they do not suggest manner at all4 ,,the ,,instincts ,,of ,a ,,lady ,the instincts of a lady are much the same as those of a gentleman4 ,she is equally punctilious about her debts1 equally averse to pressing her advantage2 especially if her adversary is helpless or poor4 ,as an unhappy wife1 her dignity demands that she never show her disapproval of her husband1 no matter how publicly he slights or outrages her4 ,if she has been so unfortunate as to have married a man not a gentleman1 to draw attention to his behavior would put herself on his level4 ,if it comes actually to the point where she divorces him1 she discusses her situation1 naturally1 with her parents or her brother or whoever are her nearest and wisest relatives1 but she shuns publicity and avoids discussing her affairs with any one outside of her immediate family4 ,one can not too strongly censure the unspeakable vulgarity of the woman so unfortunate as to be obliged to go through divorce proceedings1 who confides the private details of her life to reporters4 ,,the ,,hall-,,mark ,,of ,,the ,,climber ,nothing so blatantly proclaims a woman climber as the repetition of prominent names1 the owners of which she must have struggled to know4 ,otherwise1 why so eagerly boast of the achievement8 ,nobody cares whom she knows--nobody that is1 but a climber like herself4 ,to those who were born and who live1 no matter how quietly1 in the security of a perfectly good ledge above and away from the social ladder's rungs1 the evidence of one frantically climbing and trying to vaunt her exalted position is merely ludicrous4 ,all thoroughbred women1 and men1 are considerate of others less fortunately placed1 especially of those in their employ4 ,one of the tests by which to distinguish between the woman of breeding and the woman merely of wealth1 is to notice the way she speaks to dependents4 ,queen ,victoria's duchesses1 those great ladies of grand manner1 were the very ones who1 on entering the house of a close friend1 said ,how do you do1 ,hawkins8 to a butler2 and to a sister duchess's maid1 ,good morning1 ,jenkins4 ,a ,maryland lady1 still living on the estate granted to her family three generations before the ,revolution1 is quite as polite to her friends' servants as to her friends themselves4 ,when you see a woman in silks and sables and diamonds speak to a little errand girl or a footman or a scullery maid as though they were the dirt under her feet1 you may be sure of one thing2 she hasn't come a very long way from the ground herself4 ,,chapter ,,xxx ,,clubs ,,and ,,club ,,etiquette ,a club1 as every one knows1 is merely an organization of people--men or women or both--who establish club rooms1 in which they meet at specified times for specified purposes1 or which they use casually and individually4 ,a club's membership may be limited to a dozen or may include several thousands1 and the procedure in joining a club may be easy or difficult1 according to the type of club and the standing of the would-be member4 ,membership in many athletic associations may be had by walking in and paying dues2 also many country golf-clubs are as free to the public as country inns2 but joining a purely social club of rank and exclusiveness is a very different matter4 ,a man to be eligible for membership in such a club must not only be completely a gentleman1 but he must have friends among the members who like him enough to be willing to propose him and second him and write letters for him2 and furthermore he must be disliked by no one--at least not sufficiently for any member to object seriously to his company4 ,there are two ways of joining a club2 by invitation and by making application or having it made for you4 ,to join by invitation means that you are invited when the club is started to be one of the founders or charter members1 or if you are a distinguished citizen you may at the invitation of the governors become an honorary member1 or in a small or informal club you may become an ordinary member by invitation or suggestion of the governors that you would be welcome4 ,a charter member pays dues1 but not always an initiation fee2 an honorary member pays neither dues nor initiation1 he is really a permanent guest of the club4 ,a life member is one who pays his dues for twenty years or so in a lump sum1 and is exempted from dues even if he lives to be a hundred4 ,few clubs have honorary members and none have more than half a dozen1 so that this type of membership may as well be disregarded4 ,the ordinary members of a club are either resident1 meaning that they live within fifty miles of the club2 or non-resident1 living beyond that distance and paying less dues but having the same privileges4 ,in certain of the ,london clubs1 one or two ,new ,york ones1 and the leading club in several other cities1 it is not unusual for a boy's name to be put up for membership as soon as he is born4 ,if his name comes up while he is a minor1 it is laid aside until after his twenty-first birthday and then put at the head of the list of applicants and voted upon at the next meeting of the governors4 ,in all clubs in which membership is limited and much sought after1 the waiting list is sure to be long and a name takes anywhere from five to more than ten years to come up4 ,,how ,a ,,name ,,is ,,put ,,up ,since a gentleman is scarcely likely to want to join a club in which the members are not his friends1 he tells a member of his family1 or an intimate friend1 that he would like to join the ,nearby ,club1 and adds1 ,do you mind putting me up8 ,i will ask ,dick to second me4 ,the friend says1 ,i'll be very glad to1 and ,dick says the same4 ,it is still more likely that the suggestion to join comes from a friend1 who says one day1 ,why don't you join the ,nearby ,club8 ,it would be very convenient for you4 ,the other says1 ,i think ,i should like to1 and the first replies1 ,let me put you up1 and ,dick will be only too glad to second you4 ,it must be remembered that a gentleman has no right to ask any one who is not really one of his best friends to propose or second him4 ,it is an awkward thing to refuse in the first place1 and in the second it involves considerable effort1 and on occasion a great deal of annoyance and trouble4 ,for example let us suppose that ,jim ,smartlington asks ,donald ,lovejoy to propose him and ,clubwin ,doe to second him4 ,his name is written in the book kept for the purpose and signed by both proposer and seconder3 ,smartlington1 ,james ,proposer3 ,donald ,lovejoy ,seconder3 ,clubwin ,doe ,nothing more is done until the name is posted--meaning that it appears among a list of names put up on the bulletin-board in the club house4 ,it is then the duty of ,lovejoy and ,doe each to write a letter of endorsement to the governors of the club1 to be read by them when they hold the meeting at which his name comes up for election4 ,example3 ,board of ,governors1 ,the ,nearby ,club4 ,dear sirs3 ,it affords me much pleasure to propose for membership in the ,nearby ,club ,mr4 ,james ,smartlington4 ,i have known ,mr4 ,smartlington for many years and consider him qualified in every way for membership4 ,he is a graduate of ,yalvard1 class #aiaf1 rowed on the ,varsity crew1 and served in the #ahjth1 as #ast ,lieut41 overseas during the war4 ,he is now in his father's firm 7,jones1 ,smartlington ,co474 ,yours very truly1 ,donald ,lovejoy4 ,lovejoy must also at once tell ,smartlington to ask about six friends who are club-members 7but not governors7 to write letters endorsing him4 ,furthermore1 the candidate can not come up for election unless he knows several of the governors personally1 who can vouch for him at the meeting4 ,therefore ,lovejoy and ,doe must one or the other take ,smartlington to several governors 7at their offices generally7 and personally present him1 or very likely they invite two or three of the governors and ,smartlington to lunch4 ,even under the best of circumstances it is a nuisance for a busy man to have to make appointments at the offices of other busy men4 ,and since it is uncertain which of the governors will be present at any particular meeting1 it is necessary to introduce the candidate to a sufficient number so that at least two among those at the meeting will be able to speak for him4 ,in the example we have chosen1 ,clubwin ,doe1 having himself been a governor and knowing most of the present ones very well1 has less difficulty in presenting his candidate to them than many other members might have1 who1 though they have for years belonged to the club1 have used it so seldom that they know few1 if any1 of the governors even by sight4 ,at the leading woman's club of ,new ,york1 the governors appoint an hour on several afternoons before elections when they are in the visitors' rooms at the club house on purpose to meet the candidates whom their proposers must present4 ,this would certainly seem a more practicable method1 to say nothing of its being easier for everyone concerned1 than the masculine etiquette which requires that the governors be stalked one by one1 to the extreme inconvenience and loss of time and occasionally the embarrassment of every one4 ,as already said1 ,jim ,smartlington1 having unusually popular and well-known sponsors and being also very well liked himself1 is elected with little difficulty4 ,but take the case of young ,breezy3 ,he was put up by two not well-known members1 who wrote half-hearted endorsements themselves and did nothing about getting letters from others2 they knew none of the governors1 and trusted that two who knew ,breezy slightly would do4 ,his casual proposer forgot that enemies write letters as well as friends--and that moreover enmity is active where friendship is often passive4 ,two men who disliked his manner wrote that they considered him unsuitable1 and as he had no friends strong enough to stand up for him1 he was turned down4 ,a gentleman is rarely black-balled1 as such an action could not fail to injure him in the eyes of the world4 7,the expression black ball comes from the custom of voting for a member by putting a white ball in a ballot box1 or against him by putting in a black one47 ,if a candidate is likely to receive a black ball1 the governors do not vote on him at all1 but inform the proposer that the name of his candidate would better be withdrawn4 ,later on1 if the objection to him is disproved or overcome1 his name can again be put up4 ,the more popular the candidate1 the less work there is for his proposer and seconder4 ,a stranger--if he is not a member of the representative club in his own city--would have need of strong friends to elect him to an exclusive one in another1 and an unpopular man has no chance at all4 ,however1 in all except very rare instances events run smoothly2 the candidate is voted on at a meeting of the board of governors and is elected4 ,a notice is mailed to him next morning1 telling him that he has been elected and that his initiation fee and his dues make a total of so much4 ,the candidate thereupon at once draws his check for the amount and mails it4 ,as soon as the secretary has had ample time to receive the check1 the new member is free to use the club as much or as little as he cares to4 ,,the ,,new ,,member ,the new member usually1 but not necessarily1 goes for the first time to a club with his proposer or his seconder1 or at least an old member2 for since in exclusive clubs visitors living in the same city are never given the privilege of the club1 none but members can know their way about4 ,let us say he goes for lunch or dinner1 at which he is host1 and his friend imparts such unwritten information as3 ,that chair in the window is where old ,gotrox always sits2 don't occupy it when you see him coming in or he will be disagreeable to everybody for a week4 ,or ,they always play double stakes at this table1 so don't sit at it1 unless you mean to4 ,or ,that's ,double coming in now1 avoid him at bridge as you would the plague4 ,the roasts are always good and that waiter is the best in the room1 etc4 ,a new member is given--or should ask for--a copy of the ,club ,book1 which contains besides the list of the members1 the constitution and the by-laws or house rules1 which he must study carefully and be sure to obey4 ,,country ,,clubs ,country clubs are as a rule less exclusive and less expensive than the representative city clubs1 but those like the ,myopia ,hunt1 the ,tuxedo1 the ,saddle and ,cycle1 the ,burlingame1 and countless others in between1 are many of them more expensive to belong to than any clubs in ,london or ,new ,york1 and are precisely the same in matters of membership and management4 ,they are also quite as difficult to be elected to as any of the exclusive clubs in the cities--more so if anything1 because they are open to the family and friends of every member1 whereas in a man's club in a city his membership gives the privilege of the club to no one but himself personally4 ,the test question always put by the governors at elections is3 ,are the candidate's friends as well as his family likely to be agreeable to the present members of the ,club8 ,if not1 he is not admitted4 ,nearly all country clubs have1 however1 one open door--unknown to city ones4 ,people taking houses in the neighborhood are often granted season privileges2 meaning that on being proposed by a member and upon paying a season subscription1 new householders are accepted as transient guests4 ,in some clubs this season subscription may be indefinitely renewed2 in others a man must come up for regular election at the end of three months or six or a year4 ,apart from what may be called the few representative and exclusive country clubs1 there are hundreds--more likely thousands--which have very simple requirements for membership4 ,the mere form of having one or two members vouch for a candidate's integrity and good behavior is sufficient4 ,golf clubs1 hunting clubs1 political or sports clubs have special membership qualifications2 all good golf players are as a rule welcomed at all golf clubs2 all huntsmen at hunting clubs1 and yet the ,myopia would not think of admitting the best rider ever known if he was not unquestionably a gentleman4 ,but this is unusual4 ,as a rule1 the great player is welcomed in any club specially devoted to the sport in which he excels4 ,in many clubs a stranger may be given a three 7sometimes it is six7 months' transient membership1 available in some instances to foreigners only2 in others to strangers living beyond a certain distance4 ,a name is proposed and seconded by two members and then voted on by the governors1 or the house committee4 ,the best known and most distinguished club of ,new ,england has an ,annex in which there are dining-rooms to which ladies as well as gentlemen who are not members are admitted1 and this annex plan has since been followed by others elsewhere4 ,all men's clubs have private dining-rooms in which members can give stag dinners1 but the representative men's clubs exclude ladies absolutely from ever crossing their thresholds4 ,,women',s ,,clubs ,excepting that the luxurious women's club has an atmosphere that a man rarely knows how to give to the interior of a house1 no matter how architecturally perfect it may be1 there is no difference between women's and men's clubs4 ,in every ,state of the ,union there are women's clubs of every kind and grade2 social1 political1 sports1 professional2 some housed in enormous and perfect buildings constructed for them1 and some perhaps in only a room or two4 ,when the pioneer women's club of ,new ,york was started1 a club that aspired to be in the same class as the most important men's club1 various governors of the latter were unflatteringly outspoken2 women could not possibly run a club as it should be run--it was unthinkable that they should be foolish enough to attempt it6 ,and the husbands and fathers of the founders expected to have to dig down in their pockets to make up the deficit2 forgetting entirely that the running of a club is merely the running of a house on a large scale1 and that women1 not men1 are the perfect housekeepers4 ,to-day1 no clubs anywhere are more perfect in appointment or better run than the representative women's clubs4 ,in fact1 some of the men's clubs have been forced to follow the lead of the foremost of them and to realize that a club in which members merely sit about and look out of the window is a pretty dull place to the type of younger members they most want to attract1 and that the combination of the comfort and smartness of a perfectly run private house with every equipment for athletics1 is becoming the ideal in club-life and club-building to-day4 ,,good ,,manners ,,in ,,clubs ,good manners in clubs are the same as good manners elsewhere--only a little more so4 ,a club is for the pleasure and convenience of many2 it is never intended as a stage-setting for a star or clown or monologist4 ,there is no place where a person has greater need of restraint and consideration for the reserves of others than in a club4 ,in every club there is a reading-room or library where conversation is not allowed2 there are books and easy chairs and good light for reading both by day and night2 and it is one of the unbreakable rules not to speak to anybody who is reading--or writing4 ,when two people are sitting by themselves and talking1 another should on no account join them unless he is an intimate friend of both4 ,to be a mere acquaintance1 or1 still less1 to have been introduced to one of them1 gives no privilege whatever4 ,the fact of being a club member does not 7except in a certain few especially informal clubs7 grant any one the right to speak to strangers4 ,if a new member happens to find no one in the club whom he knows1 he goes about his own affairs4 ,he either sits down and reads or writes1 or looks out of the window1 or plays solitaire1 or occupies himself as he would if he were alone in a hotel4 ,it is courteous of a governor or habitual member1 on noticing a new member or a visitor1 especially one who seems to be rather at a loss--to go up and speak to him1 but the latter must on no account be the one to speak first4 ,certain ,new ,york and ,boston clubs1 as well as those of ,london1 have earned a reputation for snobbishness because the members never speak to those they do not know4 ,through no intent to be disagreeable1 but just because it is not customary1 ,new ,york people do not speak to those they do not know1 and it does not occur to them that strangers feel slighted until they themselves are given the same medicine in ,london2 or going elsewhere in ,america1 they appreciate the courtesy and kindness of the ,south and ,west4 ,the fundamental rule for behavior in a club is the same as in the drawing-room of a private house4 ,in other words1 heels have no place on furniture1 ashes belong in ash-receivers1 books should not be abused1 and all evidence of exercising should be confined to the courts or courses and the locker room4 ,many people who wouldn't think of lolling around the house in unfit attire1 come trooping into country clubs with their steaming faces1 clammy shirts1 and rumpled hair1 giving too awful evidence of recent exertion1 and present fitness for the bathtub4 ,,the ,,perfect ,,clubman ,the perfect clubman is another word for the perfect gentleman4 ,he never allows himself to show irritability to any one1 he makes it a point to be courteous to a new member or an old member's guest4 ,he scrupulously observes the rules of the club1 he discharges his card debts at the table1 he pays his share always1 with an instinctive horror of sponging1 and lastly1 he treats everyone with the same consideration which he expects--and demands--from them4 ,,the ,,informal ,,club ,the informal club is often more suggestive of a fraternity than a club1 in that every member speaks to every other--always4 ,in one of the best known of this type1 the members are artists1 authors1 scientists1 sportsmen and other thinkers and doers4 ,there is a long table set every day for lunch at which the members gather and talk1 every one to every one else4 ,there is another dining-room where solitary members may sit by themselves or bring in outsiders if they care to4 ,none but members sit at the round table which isn't round in the least6 ,the informal club is always a comparatively small one1 but the method of electing members varies4 ,in some1 it is customary to take the vote of the whole club1 in others members are elected by the governors first1 and then asked to join4 ,in this case no man may ask to have his name put up4 ,in others the conventional methods are followed4 ,,the ,,visitors ,,in ,a ,,club ,in every club in the ,united ,states a member is allowed to introduce a stranger 7living at least fifty miles away7 for a length of time varying with the by-laws of the club4 ,in some clubs guests may be put up for a day only1 in others the privilege extends for two weeks or more4 ,many clubs allow each member a certain number of visitors a year2 in others visitors are unlimited4 ,but in all city clubs the same guest can not be introduced twice within the year4 ,in country clubs visitors may always be brought in by members in unlimited numbers4 ,as a rule when a member introduces a stranger1 he takes him to the club personally1 writes his name in the visitors' book1 and introduces him to those who may be in the room at the time--very possibly asking another member whom he knows particularly well to look out for his guest4 ,if for some reason it is not possible for the stranger's host to take him to the club1 he writes to the secretary of the club for a card of introduction4 ,example3 ,secretary1 ,the ,town ,club4 ,dear ,sir3 ,kindly send ,mr4 ,a4,m4 ,strangleigh a card extending the privileges of the ,club for one week4 ,mr4 ,strangleigh is a resident of ,london4 ,yours very truly1 ,clubwin ,doe4 ,the secretary then sends a card to ,mr4 ,strangleigh3 ,the ,town ,club ,extends its privileges to ,mr4 ,,hw3 ,strangleigh from ,,hw3 ,jan4 #g4 to ,,hw3 ,jan4 #ad4 ,through the courtesy of ,mr4 ,,hw3 ,clubwin ,doe ,mr4 ,strangleigh goes to the club by himself4 ,a visitor who has been given the privileges of the club has1 during the time of his visit1 all the rights of a member excepting that he is not allowed to introduce others to the club1 and he can not give a dinner in the private dining-room4 ,strict etiquette also demands1 if he wishes to ask several members to dine with him1 that he take them to a restaurant rather than into the club dining-room1 since the club is their home and he is a stranger in it4 ,he may ask a member whom he knows well to lunch with him in the club rooms1 but he must not ask one whom he knows only slightly4 ,as accounts are sent to the member who put him up--unless the guest arranges at the club's office to have his charges rendered to himself1 he must be punctilious to ask for his bill upon leaving1 and pay it without question4 ,putting a man up at a club never means that the member is host4 ,the visitor's status throughout his stay is founded on the courtesy of the member who introduced him1 and he should try to show an equal courtesy to every one about him4 ,he should remember not to obtrude on the privacy of the members he does not know4 ,he has no right to criticise the management1 the rules or the organization of the club4 ,he has1 in short1 no actual rights at all1 and he must not forget that he hasn't6 ,,club ,,etiquette ,,in ,,london1 ,,paris ,,and ,,new ,,york ,in a very smart ,london club 7the words quoted are ,clubwin ,doe's7 you keep your hat on and glare about6 ,in ,paris you take your hat off and behave with such courtesy and politeness as seems to you an affectation4 ,in ,new ,york you take your hat off and behave as though the rooms were empty2 but as though you were being observed through loop-holes in the walls4 ,in ,new ,york you are introduced occasionally1 but you may never ask to be introduced1 and you speak only to those you have been introduced to4 ,in ,london1 you are never introduced to any one1 but if the member who has taken you with him joins a group and you all sit down together1 you talk as you would after dinner in a gentleman's house4 ,but if you are made a temporary member and meet those you have been talking to when you are alone the next day1 you do not speak unless spoken to4 ,in ,paris1 your host punctiliously introduces you to various members and you must just as punctiliously go the next day to their houses and leave your card upon each one6 ,this is customary in the strictly ,french clubs only4 ,in any one which has members of other nationalities--especially with ,americans predominating1 or seeming to1 ,american customs obtain4 ,in ,french clubs a visitor can not go to the club unless he is with a member1 but there are no restrictions on the number of times he may be taken by the same member or another one4 ,,unbreakable ,,rules ,failure to pay one's debts1 or behavior unbefitting a gentleman1 is cause for expulsion from every club2 which is looked upon in much the same light as expulsion from the ,army4 ,in certain cases expulsion for debt may seem unfair1 since one may find himself in unexpectedly straitened circumstances1 and the greatest fault or crime could not be more severely dealt with than being expelled from his club2 but club honor--except under very temporary and mitigating conditions--takes no account of any reason for being unable to meet his obligations4 ,he must--or he is not considered honorable4 ,if a man can not afford to belong to a club he must resign while he is still in good standing4 ,if later on he is able to rejoin1 his name is put at the head of the waiting list1 and if he was considered a desirable member1 he is re-elected at the next meeting of the governors4 ,but a man who has been expelled 7unless he can show cause why his expulsion was unjust and be re-instated7 can never again belong to that1 or be elected to any other1 club4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi ,,games ,,and ,,sports ,the popularity of bridge whist began a quarter of a century ago with the older people and has increased slowly but steadily until it is scarcely an exaggeration to say that those who do not play bridge1 which means auction1 are seldom asked out4 ,and the epidemic is just as widespread among girls and boys as among older people4 ,bridge is always taken seriously2 a bumble puppy game won't do at all1 even among the youngest players1 and other qualifications of character and of etiquette must be observed by every one who would be sought after to make up a four4 ,,people ,,charming ,,to ,,play ,,bridge ,,with ,that no one likes a poor partner--or even a poor opponent--goes without saying4 ,the ideal partner is one who never criticises or even seems to be aware of your mistakes1 but on the contrary recognizes a good maneuver on your part1 and gives you credit for it whether you win the hand or lose2 whereas the inferior player is apt to judge you merely by what you win1 and blame your make if you go down1 though your play may have been exceptionally good and the loss even occasioned by wrong information which he himself gave you4 ,also1 to be continually found fault with makes you play your worst2 whereas appreciation of good judgment on your part acts as a tonic and you play seemingly better than you know how4 ,,people ,,disliked ,,at ,,the ,,bridge ,,table ,there is nothing which more quickly reveals the veneered gentleman than the card table1 and his veneer melts equally with success or failure4 ,being carried away by the game1 he forgets to keep on his company polish1 and if he wins1 he becomes grasping or overbearing1 because of his skill2 if he loses he sneers at the luck of others and seeks to justify himself for the same fault that he criticised a moment before in another4 ,a trick that is annoying to moderately skilled players1 is to have an over-confident opponent throw down his hand saying3 ,the rest of the tricks are mine6 and often succeed in putting it over1 when it is quite possible that they might not be his if the hand were played out4 ,knowing themselves to be poorer players1 the others are apt not to question it1 but they feel none the less that their rights have been taken from them4 ,a rather trying partner is the nervous player1 who has no confidence in his own judgment and will invariably pass a good hand in favor of his partner's bid4 ,if1 for instance1 he has six perfectly good diamonds1 he doesn't mention them because1 his partner having declared a heart1 he thinks to himself ,her hearts must be better than my diamonds4 ,but a much more serious failing--and one that is far more universal--is the habit of overbidding4 ,,overbidding ,in poker you play alone and can therefore play as carefully or as foolishly as you please1 but in bridge your partner has to suffer with you1 and you therefore are in honor bound to play the best you know how--and the best you know how is as far as can possibly be from overbidding4 ,remember that your partner1 if he is a good player1 counts on you for certain definite cards that you announce by your bid to be in your hand1 and raises you accordingly4 ,if you have not these cards you not only lose that particular hand1 but destroy his confidence in you1 and the next time when he has a legitimate raise for you1 he will fail to give it4 ,he disregards you entirely because he is afraid of you6 ,you must study the rules for makes and never under any circumstances give your partner misinformation2 this is the most vital rule there is1 and any one who disregards it is detested at the bridge table4 ,no matter how great the temptation to make a gambler's bid1 you are in honor bound to refrain4 ,the next essential1 if you would be thought charming1 is never to take your partner to task no matter how stupidly he may have thrown the hand4 ,,don',,ts ,,for ,,those ,,who ,,would ,,be ,,sought ,,after ,don't hold a post-mortem on anybody's delinquencies 7unless you are actually teaching74 ,if luck is against you1 it will avail nothing to sulk or complain about the awful cards you are holding4 ,your partner is suffering just as much in finding you a poison vine as you are in being one--and you can scarcely expect your opponents to be sympathetic4 ,you must learn to look perfectly tranquil and cheerful even though you hold nothing but yarboroughs for days on end1 and you must on no account try to defend your own bad play--ever4 ,when you have made a play of poor judgment1 the best thing you can say is1 ,i'm very sorry1 partner1 and let it go at that4 ,always pay close attention to the game4 ,when you are dummy you have certain duties to your partner1 and so do not wander around the room until the hand is over4 ,if you don't know what your duties are1 read the rules until you know them by heart and then--begin all over again6 ,it is impossible to play any game without a thorough knowledge of the laws that govern it1 and you are at fault in making the attempt4 ,don't be offended if your partner takes you out of a bid1 and don't take him out for the glory of playing the hand4 ,he is quite as anxious to win the rubber as you are4 ,it is unbelievable how many people regard their partner as a third opponent4 ,,mannerisms ,,at ,,the ,,card ,,table ,mannerisms must be avoided like the plague4 ,if there is one thing worse than the horrible post-mortem1 it is the incessant repetition of some jarring habit by one particular player4 ,the most usual and most offensive is that of snapping down a card as played1 or bending a trick one has taken into a letter ,u1 or picking it up and trotting it up and down on the table4 ,other pet offenses are drumming on the table with one's fingers1 making various clicking1 whistling1 or humming sounds1 massaging one's face1 scratching one's chin with the cards1 or waving the card one is going to play aloft in the air in ,smart ,alec fashion as though shouting1 ,i know what you are going to lead6 ,and my card is ready6 ,all mannerisms that attract attention are in the long run equally unpleasant--even unendurable to one's companions4 ,many people whose game is otherwise admirable are rarely asked to play because they have allowed some such silly and annoying habit to take its hold upon them4 ,,the ,,good ,,loser ,the good loser makes it an invariable rule never to play for stakes that it will be inconvenient to lose4 ,the neglect of this rule has been responsible for more bad losers than anything else1 and needless to say a bad loser is about as welcome at a card table as rain at a picnic4 ,of course there are people who can take losses beyond their means with perfect cheerfulness and composure4 ,some few are so imbued with the gambler's instinct that a heavy turn of luck1 in either direction1 is the salt of life4 ,but the average person is equally embarrassed in winning or losing a stake that matters and the only answer is to play for one that doesn't4 ,,golf ,golf is a particularly severe strain upon the amiability of the average person's temper1 and in no other game1 except bridge1 is serenity of disposition so essential4 ,no one easily ruffled can keep a clear eye on the ball1 and exasperation at lost balls seemingly bewitches successive ones into disappearing with the completeness and finality of puffs of smoke4 ,in a race or other test of endurance a flare of anger might even help1 but in golf it is safe to say that he who loses his temper is pretty sure to lose the game4 ,golf players of course know the rules and observe them1 but it quite often happens that idlers1 having nothing better to do1 walk out over a course and watch the players4 ,if they know the players well1 that is one thing1 but they have no right to follow strangers4 ,a player who is nervous is easily put off his game1 especially if those watching him are so ill-bred as to make audible remarks4 ,those playing matches of course expect an audience1 and erratic and nervous players ought not to go into tournaments--or at least not in two-ball foursomes where they are likely to handicap a partner4 ,in following a match1 onlookers must be careful to stand well within bounds and neither talk nor laugh nor do anything that can possibly distract the attention of the players4 ,the rule that you should not appoint yourself mentor holds good in golf as well as in bridge and every other game4 ,unless your advice is asked for1 you should not instruct others how to hold their clubs or which ones to use1 or how they ought to make the shot4 ,a young woman must on no account expect the man she happens to be playing with to make her presents of golf-balls1 or to caddy for her1 nor must she allow him to provide her with a caddy4 ,if she can't afford to hire one of her own1 she must either carry her own clubs or not play golf4 ,,other ,,games ,,and ,,sports ,there are fixed rules for the playing of every game--and for proper conduct in every sport4 ,the details of these rules must be studied in the books of the game1 learned from instructors1 or acquired by experience4 ,a small boy perhaps learns to fish or swim by himself1 but he is taught by his father or a guide--at all events1 some one--how and how not to hold a gun1 cast a fly1 or ride a horse4 ,but apart from the technique of each sport1 or the rules of each game1 the etiquette--or more correctly1 the basic principles of good sportsmanship1 are the same4 ,in no sport or game can any favoritism or evasion of rules be allowed4 ,sport is based upon impersonal and indiscriminating fairness to every one alike1 or it is not sport4 ,and to be a good sportsman1 one must be a stoic and never show rancor in defeat1 or triumph in victory1 or irritation1 no matter what annoyance is encountered4 ,one who can not help sulking1 or explaining1 or protesting when the loser1 or exulting when the winner1 has no right to take part in games and contests4 ,,playing ,,the ,,game ,if you would be thought to play the game1 meaning if you aspire to be a true sportsman1 you must follow the rules of sportsmanship the world over3 ,never lose your temper4 ,play for the sake of playing rather than to win4 ,never stop in the middle of a tennis or golf match and complain of a lame ankle1 especially if you are losing4 ,unless it is literally impossible for you to go on1 you must stick it out4 ,if you are a novice1 don't ask an expert to play with you1 especially as your partner4 ,if he should ask you in spite of your shortcomings1 maintain the humility proper to a beginner4 ,if you are a woman1 don't ape the ways and clothing of men4 ,if you are a man1 don't take advantage of your superior strength to set a pace beyond the endurance of a woman opponent4 ,and always give the opponent the benefit of the doubt6 ,nothing is more important to your standing as a sportsman1 though it costs you the particular point in question4 ,a true sportsman is always a cheerful loser1 a quiet winner1 with a very frank appreciation of the admirable traits in others1 which he seeks to emulate1 and his own shortcomings1 which he tries to improve4 ,,chapter ,,xxxii ,,etiquette ,,in ,,business ,,and ,,politics ,a certain rich man whose appointment to a foreign post of importance was about to be ratified1 came into the corridor of a ,washington hotel and stopped to speak with a lady for a few moments4 ,during the whole conversation he kept his hat on his head and a cigar in the corner of his mouth4 ,it happened that the lady was the wife of a prominent senator1 and she lost no time in reporting the incident to her husband1 who in turn brought the matter to the attention of certain of his colleagues with the result that the appointment did not go through4 ,it is not unlikely that this man thinks politics played against him1 whereas the only factor against him was his exhibition of ill-breeding which proved him unsuitable to represent the dignity of his country4 ,etiquette would not seem to play an important part in business1 and yet no man can ever tell when its knowledge may be of advantage1 or its lack may turn the scale against him4 ,the man who remains planted in his chair when a lady 7or an older man7 speaks to him1 who receives customers in his shirt sleeves1 who does not take off his hat when talking with a lady and take his cigar out of his mouth when bowing or when addressing her1 can never be sure that he is not preparing a witness for the prosecution4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,smoking ,the above does not mean that a gentleman may never smoke in the presence of ladies--especially in the presence of those who smoke themselves--but a gentleman should not smoke under the following circumstances3 ,when walking on the street with a lady4 ,when lifting his hat or bowing4 ,in a room1 an office1 or an elevator1 when a lady enters4 ,in any short conversation where he is standing near1 or talking with a lady4 ,if he is seated himself for a conversation with a lady on a veranda1 in an hotel1 in a private house1 anywhere where smoking is permitted1 he first asks1 ,do you mind if ,i smoke8 ,and if she replies1 ,not at all or ,do1 by all means1 it is then proper for him to do so4 ,he should1 however1 take his cigar1 pipe1 or cigarette1 out of his mouth while he is speaking4 ,one who is very adroit can say a word or two without an unpleasant grimace1 but one should not talk with one's mouth either full of food or barricaded with tobacco4 ,in the country1 a gentleman may walk with a lady and smoke at the same time--especially a pipe or cigarette4 ,why a cigar is less admissible is hard to determine1 unless a pipe somehow belongs to the country4 ,a gentleman in golf or country clothes with a pipe in his mouth and a dog at his heels suggests a picture fitting to the scene2 while a cigar seems as out of place as a cutaway coat4 ,a pipe on the street in a city1 on the other hand1 is less appropriate than a cigar in the country4 ,in any event he will1 of course1 ask his companion's permission to smoke4 ,,manners ,,and ,,business ,if you had a commission to give and you entered a man's office and found him lolling back in a tipped swivel chair1 his feet above his head1 the ubiquitous cigar in his mouth and his drowsy attention fixed on the sporting page of the newspaper1 you would be impressed not so much by his lack of good manners as by his bad business policy1 because of the incompetence that his attitude suggests4 ,it is scarcely necessary to ask3 ,would you give an important commission to him who has no apparent intention of doing anything but take his ease2 or to him who is found occupied at his desk1 who gets up with alacrity upon your entrance1 and is seemingly on his toes mentally as well as actually8 ,or1 would you go in preference to a man whose manners resemble those of a bear at the ,zoo1 if you could go to another whose business ability is supplemented by personal charm8 ,and this again is merely an illustration of bad manners and good4 ,,an ,,advantage ,,of ,,polish ,one advantage of polish is that one's opponent can never tell what is going on under the glazed surface of highly finished manners1 whereas an unfinished surface is all too easily penetrated4 ,and since business encounters are often played like poker hands1 it is surely a bad plan to be playing with a mind-reader who can plainly divine his opponent's cards1 while his own are unrevealed4 ,manners that can by any possibility be construed as mincing1 foppish or effeminate are not recommended2 but a gentleman who says ,good morning to his employees and who invariably treats all women as ladies1 does not half so much flatter their vanity as win their respect for himself as a gentleman4 ,again1 good manners are1 after all1 nothing but courteous consideration of other people's interests and feelings4 ,that being true1 does it not follow that all customers1 superior officers and employees prefer an executive whose good manners imply consideration of his customer's1 his company's and his employee's interest as well as merely his own8 ,,perfect ,,polish ,,that ,,is ,,unsuspected ,the president of a great industry1 whose mastery of etiquette is one of his chief assets1 so submerges this asset in other and more apparent qualifications1 that every plain man he comes in contact with takes it for granted that he is an equally plain man himself4 ,he is plain in so far as he is straightforward in attitude and simple in manner4 ,no red tape is required apparently to penetrate into this president's private office1 whereas many small men are guarded with pretentiousness that is often an effort to give an impression of importance4 ,in this big man's employ there is an especial assistant chosen purposely because of his tact and good manners4 ,if an unknown person asks to see ,mr4 ,president1 this deputy is sent out 7as from most offices7 to find out what the visitor's business is2 but instead of being told bluntly the boss doesn't know him and can't see him1 the visitor is made to feel how much the president will regret not seeing him4 ,perhaps he is told1 ,mr4 ,president is in conference just now4 ,i know he would not like you to be kept waiting2 can ,i be of any service to you8 ,i am his junior assistant4 ,if the visitor's business is really with the president1 he is admitted to the chief executive's office1 since it is the latter's policy to see every one that he can4 ,he has a courteous manner that makes every one feel there is nothing in the day's work half so important as what his visitor has come to see him about6 ,nor is this manner insincere2 for whatever time one sees him1 he gives his undivided attention4 ,should his time be short1 and the moment approach when he is due at an appointment1 his secretary enters1 a purposely arranged ten minutes ahead of the time necessary for the close of the present interview1 and apologetically reminds him1 ,i'm sorry1 ,mr4 ,president1 but your appointment with the ',z' committee is due4 ,mr4 ,president with seeming unconcern1 uses up most of the ten minutes1 and his lingering close of the conversation gives his visitor the impression that he must have been late at his appointment1 and wholly because of the unusual interest felt in his caller4 ,this is neither sincerity nor insincerity1 but merely bringing social knowledge into business dealing4 ,to make a pleasant and friendly impression is not alone good manners1 but equally good business4 ,the crude man would undoubtedly show his eagerness to be rid of his visitor1 and after offending the latter's self-pride because of his inattentive discourtesy1 be late for his own appointment6 ,the man of skill saw his visitor for fewer actual minutes1 but gave the impression that circumstances over which he had no control forced him unwillingly to close the interview4 ,he not only gained the good will of his visitor1 but arrived at his own appointment in plenty of time4 ,to listen attentively when one is spoken to1 is merely one of the rules of etiquette4 ,the man who1 while some one is talking to him1 gazes out of the window or up at the ceiling1 who draws squares and circles on the blotter1 or is engrossed in his finger-nails or his shoes1 may in his own mind be finessing1 or very likely he is bored6 ,in the first case1 the chances are he will lose the game2 in the second1 lots of people are bored1 hideously bored1 and most often the fault is their own2 always they are at fault who show it4 ,,good ,,manners ,,and ,,good ,,mixers ,when one thinks of a man who is known in politics and business as a good mixer1 one is apt to think of him as a rough diamond rather than a polished one4 ,in picturing a gentleman1 a man of high cultivation1 one instinctively thinks of one who is somewhat aloof and apart4 ,a good mixer among uncouth men may quite accurately be one who is also uncouth2 but the best mixer of all is one who adjusts himself equally well to finer as well as to plainer society4 ,education that does not confer flexibility of mind is an obviously limited education2 the man of broadest education tunes himself in unison with whomever he happens to be4 ,the more subjects he knows about1 the more people he is in sympathy with1 and therefore the more customers or associates or constituents he is sure to have4 ,the really big man--it makes little difference whether he was born with a gold spoon in his mouth or no spoon at all--is always one whose interest in people1 things1 and events is a stimulating influence upon all those he comes in contact with4 ,he who says1 ,that does not interest me1 or ,that bores me1 defines his own limitations4 ,he who is unable to project sympathy into other problems or classes than his own is an unimportant person though he have the birth of a ,cecil and the manners of a ,chesterfield4 ,every gentleman has an inalienable right to his own reserves--that goes without saying--and because he can project sympathy and understanding where and when he chooses1 does not for one moment mean that he thereby should break down the walls of his instinctive defenses4 ,it is not the latter type1 but the ,gentleman ,limited who has belittled the name of gentleman in the world of work2 not so much because he is a gentleman1 as because he is not entirely one4 ,he who is every inch a gentleman as well as every inch a man is the highest type in the world to-day1 just as he has always been4 ,the do-nothing gentleman is equally looked down upon everywhere4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,reverse ,,gear ,etiquette1 remember1 is merely a collection of forms by which all personal contacts in life are made smooth4 ,the necessity for a rough man to become polished so that he may meet men of cultivation on an equal footing1 has an equally important reverse4 ,the time has gone by when a gentleman by grace of ,god1 which placed him in a high-born position1 can control numbers of other men placed beneath him4 ,every man takes his place to-day according to born position plus the test of his own experience4 ,and just as an unlettered expert in business is only half authoritative to men of high cultivation1 so also is the gentleman1 no matter how much he knows of ,latin1 ,greek1 history1 art and polish of manner1 handicapped according to his ignorance on the subject of another's expertness4 ,etiquette1 in reverse1 prescribes this necessity for complete knowledge in every contact in life4 ,through knowledge alone1 does one prove one's right to authority4 ,for instance3 ,a man in a machine ship is working at a lathe4 ,an officer of the company comes into the shop1 a gentleman in white collar and good clothes6 ,he stands behind the mechanic and curses him out because his work is inefficient4 ,when he turns away1 the man at the lathe says1 ,who was that guy anyway8 ,what business has he to teach me my job8 ,instead of accepting the criticism1 he resents what he considers unwarranted interference by a man in another class4 ,but supposing instead of standing by and talking about inefficiency1 the gentleman had said1 ,get out of there a moment6 and throwing off his coat and rolling up his silk shirt sleeves1 he had operated the lathe with a smoothness and rapidity that could only have been acquired through long experience at a bench4 ,the result would be that the next time he came on a tour of inspection that particular man 7as well as all those who were witnesses of the former scene7 would not only listen to him with respect but without resentment of his class1 because his expertness proved that he had earned his right to good clothes and silk shirts1 and to tell those beneath him how work should be done4 ,the same test applies to any branch of experience3 a man who knows as much about any specialty as an expert does himself1 makes the expert think at once1 ,this man is a wonder6 ,the very fact that the first man is not making the subject his specialty1 intensifies the achievement4 ,everything he says after that on subjects of which the second man knows nothing is accepted without question4 ,whenever you know as much as the other man1 whether you are socially above1 or below him1 you are on that subject his equal2 when you know more than he does1 you have the advantage4 ,,the ,,self-,,made ,,man ,,and ,,world-,,made ,,manners ,it is not in order to shine in society that grace of manner is an asset2 comparatively few people in a community care a rap about society anyway6 ,a man of affairs whose life is spent in doing a man's work in a man's way is not apt to be thrilled at the thought of putting on glad clothes and going out with his wife to a pink tea or a ball4 ,but what many successful men do not realize is that a fundamental knowledge of etiquette is no less an asset in business or public life1 or in any other contact with people1 than it is in society4 ,just as any expert1 whether at a machine bench1 an accountant's desk1 or at golf1 gives an impression of such ease as to make his accomplishment seemingly require no skill1 a bungler makes himself and every one watching him uneasy if not actually fearful of his awkwardness4 ,and as inexpertness is quite as irritating in personal as in mechanical bungling1 so there is scarcely any one who sooner or later does not feel the need of social expertness4 ,something1 some day1 will awaken him to the folly of scorning as soft1 men who have accomplished manners2 despising as effeminate1 youths who have physical grace2 of being contemptuous of the perfect ,english of the well-bred gentleman2 of consoling himself with the thought that his own crudeness is strong1 and manly1 and ,american6 ,,the ,x ,,markers ,but let success come to this same inexpert man--let him be appointed to high office1 let him then shuffle from foot to foot1 never knowing what to do or say1 let him meet open derision or ill-concealed contempt from every educated person brought in contact with him1 let opprobrium fall upon his ,state because its governor is a boor1 and let him as such be written of in the editorials of the press and in the archives of history6 ,will he be so pleased with himself then8 ,does any one think of ,theodore ,roosevelt as soft or effeminate because he was one of the greatest masters of etiquette who ever bore the most exalted honor that can be awarded by the people of the ,united ,states8 ,washington was completely a gentleman--and so was ,abraham ,lincoln4 ,because ,lincoln's etiquette was self-taught it was no less masterly for that6 ,whether he happened to know a lot of trifling details of pseudo etiquette matters not in the least4 ,awkward he may have been1 but the essence of him was courtesy--unfailing courtesy4 ,no rough1 uneducated man has command of perfect ,english1 and ,lincoln's ,english is supreme4 ,one thing that some ,men of ,might forget is that lack of polish in its wider aspects is merely lack of education4 ,they themselves look down upon a man who has to make an ,x mark in place of signing his name--but they overlook entirely that to those more highly educated1 they are themselves in degree quite as ignorant4 ,,sons ,,of ,,self-,,made ,,men ,and yet1 speak to self-made men of the need of the social graces for their sons1 and nine out of ten stampede--for all the world as though it were suggested to put them in petticoats4 ,do they think a poor unlettered lout who shambles at the door1 who stands unable to speak1 who turns his cap in his hands1 who sidles into the room1 and can't for the life of him get out again1 well trained for the battle of life8 ,picture that ,mr4 ,strong ,man who thrusts his thumbs into his armholes and sits tipped back in his chair with a cigar in the corner of his mouth and his heels comfortably reposing on his solid mahogany desk4 ,this is not in criticism of his relaxation1 it is his own desk and certainly he has a right to put his heels on it if he wants to2 likewise thumbs and armholes are his own4 ,it is merely a picture that leads to another3 ,supposing a very great man comes into ,mr4 ,strong ,man's office--one whom he may consider a great man1 a president perhaps of a big industry or of a railroad1 or a senator--and shortly afterwards1 ,strong ,man's own son comes into the room4 ,would he like to see his son abashed1 awkward1 spasmodically jerky1 like the poor bumpkin who came the other day to ask about removing the ashes1 or worse yet1 bold and boisterous or cheeky2 or would he like that boy of his to come forward with an entire lack of self-consciousness1 and as his father introduces him as ,my ,son6 have him put out his hand in frank and easy and yet deferential friendliness8 ,and then saying quickly and quietly whatever it was he came to say1 as quickly and quietly make his way out again8 ,would he be sorry that the big man thought1 ,fine boy that6 ,ability too6 ,why would he think he had ability8 ,because the ease and dexterity with which he handled the social incident automatically suggests ability to handle other situations6 ,,etiquette ,,and ,,business ,,authority ,another point3 ,does the self-made man stop to realize that his authority in business would be even greater than it is if he had the hall-marks1 of cultivation8 ,for instance1 when he comes in contact with college graduates and other cultivated men1 his opinions gain or lose in weight exactly in proportion as he proves to be in their own class or below it4 ,a man unconsciously judges the authority of others by the standard of his own expert knowledge4 ,a crude man may be a genius in business management1 but in the unspoken opinion of men of education1 he is in other contacts inferior to themselves4 ,he is an authority they grant1 but in limited lines only4 ,but when a man is met with who combines with business genius the advantage of polished manners and evident cultivation1 his opinion on any subject broached at once assumes added weight4 ,doesn't it8 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii ,,dress ,clothes are to us what fur and feathers are to beasts and birds2 they not only add to our appearance1 but they are our appearance4 ,how we look to others entirely depends upon what we wear and how we wear it2 manners and speech are noted afterward1 and character last of all4 ,in the community where we live1 admirableness of character is the fundamental essential1 and in order to achieve a position of importance1 personality is also essential2 but for the transient impression that we make at home1 abroad1 everywhere in public1 two superficial attributes are alone indispensable3 good manners and a pleasing appearance4 ,it is not merely a question of vanity and inclination4 ,in ,new ,york1 for instance1 a woman must dress well1 to pay her way4 ,in ,europe1 where the title of ,duchess serves in lieu of a court train of gold brocade2 or in ,bohemian circles where talent alone may count2 or in small communities where people are known for what they really are1 appearance is of esthetic rather than essential importance4 ,in the world of smart society--in ,america at any rate--clothes not only represent our ticket of admission1 but our contribution to the effect of a party4 ,what makes a brilliant party8 ,clothes4 ,good clothes4 ,a frumpy party is nothing more nor less than a collection of badly dressed persons4 ,people with all the brains1 even all the beauty imaginable1 make an assemblage of dowds1 unless they are well dressed4 ,not even the most beautiful ballroom in the world1 decorated like the ,garden of ,eden1 could in itself suggest a brilliant entertainment1 if the majority of those who filled it were frumps--or worse yet1 vulgarians6 ,rather be frumpy than vulgar6 ,much4 ,frumps are often celebrities in disguise--but a person of vulgar appearance is vulgar all through4 ,,the ,,sheep ,frumps are not very typical of ,america1 vulgarians are somewhat more numerous1 but the greatest number of all are the quietly dressed1 unnoticeable men and women who make up the representative backbone in every city2 who buy good clothes but not more than they need1 and whose ambition is merely to be well enough dressed to fit in with their background1 whatever their background may be4 ,less numerous1 but far more conspicuous1 are the dressed-to-the-minute women who1 like sheep exactly1 follow every turn of latest fashion blindly and without the slightest sense of distance or direction4 ,as each new season's fashion is defined1 all the sheep run and dress themselves each in a replica of the other1 their own types and personalities have nothing to do with the case4 ,fashion says3 ,wear bolster cases tied at the neck and ankle1 or ,a few wisps of gauze held in place with court plaster1 and daughter1 mother1 grandmother1 and all the neighbors wear the same4 ,if emerald green is the fashionable color1 all of the yellowest skins will be framed in it4 ,when hobble skirts are the thing1 the fattest wabble along1 looking for all the world like chandeliers tied up in mosquito netting4 ,if ball dresses are cut to the last limit of daring1 the ample billows of the fat will vie blandly with the marvels of anatomy exhibited by the thin4 ,comfort1 convenience1 becomingness1 adaptability1 beauty are of no importance4 ,fashion is followed to the letter--therefore they fancy1 poor sheep1 they are the last word in smartness4 ,those whom the fashion suits are smart1 but they are seldom1 if ever1 distinguished1 because--they are all precisely alike4 ,,the ,,woman ,,who ,,is ,,really ,,chic ,the woman who is chic is always a little different4 ,not different in being behind fashion1 but always slightly apart from it4 ,chic is a borrowed adjective1 but there is no ,english word to take the place of elegant which was destroyed utterly by the reporter or practical joker who said elegant dresses1 and yet there is no synonym that will express the individuality of beautiful taste combined with personal dignity and grace which gives to a perfect costume an inimitable air of distinction4 ,une dame lgante is all of that6 ,and ,mrs4 ,oldname is just such a person4 ,she follows fashion merely so far as is absolutely necessary4 ,she gets the latest model perhaps1 but has it adapted to her own type1 so that she has just that distinction of appearance that the sheep lack4 ,she has even clung with slight modifications to the ,worth ball dress1 and her wrapped or fitted bodice has continued to look the smartest in every ballroom in spite of the ,greek drapery and one-piece meal bag and all the other kaleidoscopic changes of fashion the rest of us have been through4 ,but the average would-be independent who determines to stand her ground1 saying1 ,these new models are preposterous6 ,i shall wear nothing of the sort6 and keeps her word1 soon finds herself not at all an example of dignity but an object of derision4 ,,fashion ,,has ,,little ,,in ,,common ,,with ,,beauty ,fashion ought to be likened to a tide or epidemic2 sometimes one might define it as a sort of hypnotism1 seemingly exerted by the gods as a joke4 ,fashion has the power to appear temporarily in the guise of beauty1 though it is the antithesis of beauty nearly always4 ,if you doubt it1 look at old fashion plates4 ,even the woman of beautiful taste succumbs occasionally to the epidemics of fashion1 but she is more immune than most4 ,all women who have any clothes sense whatever know more or less the type of things that are their style--unless they have such an attack of fashionitis as to be irresponsibly delirious4 ,to describe any details of dress1 that will not be as queer to-morrow as to-day's fashions are bound to be1 would seem at the outset pretty much like writing about next year's weather4 ,and yet1 there is one unchanging principle which must be followed by every woman1 man and child that is well dressed--suitability4 ,nor does suitability mean merely that you must choose clothes suitable to your age and appearance1 and that you must get a ball dress for a ball1 and a street dress to walk in2 it means equally that you must not buy clothes out of proportion to your income1 or out of keeping with your surroundings4 ,,disproportionate ,,expenditure ,,in ,,bad ,,taste ,about fifteen years ago the extravagance in women's dress reached such a high-water mark that it was not unheard of for a ,new ,york woman to spend a third of her husband's income on clothes4 ,all women of fashion bought clothes when it would not have occurred to them to buy furniture--when it would have seemed preposterous to buy a piece of jewelry--but clothes1 clothes1 and more clothes1 each more hand-embroidered than the last1 until just as it seemed that no dress was fit to be seen if it hadn't a month or two of some one's time embroidered on it1 the work on clothes subsided1 until now we are at the other extreme2 no work is put on them at all4 ,at least1 clothes to-day are much more sensible1 and let us hope the sense will be lasting4 ,the war did at least make people realize that luxuries and trimmings could go too far4 ,ten years ago the ,american woman who lived in a little cottage1 who walked when she went out or took the street car1 wore the same clothes exactly that ,mrs4 ,gilding wore in her victoria1 or trailed over a ,ming rug4 ,the ,french woman has always been 7and the ,american woman of taste is now7 too great an artist to sit in a little room with its cotton-print slip covers1 muslin curtains1 and geranium pots on the window ledge1 in anything strikingly elaborate and expensive4 ,charming as her dress may be in line and cut and color1 she keeps it 7no matter how intrinsically good it may be7 in harmony with her geranium pots and her chintz4 ,on the other hand1 clothes that are too plain can be equally out of proportion4 ,last winter1 for instance1 a committee of ladies met in what might safely be called the handsomest house in ,new ,york1 in a room that would fit perfectly in the ,palace of ,versailles1 filled with treasures such as those of the ,wallace collection4 ,the hostess presided in a black serge golf skirt1 a business woman's white shirt-waist1 and stout walking boots1 her hair brushed flat and tidily back and fastened as though for riding1 her face and hands redolent of soap4 ,no powder1 not a nail manicured4 ,had she been a girl earning her living1 she could not have been more suitably dressed1 but her millions and her palace background demand that her clothes be at least moderately in keeping4 ,one does not have to be dowdy as an alternative to being too richly dressed1 and to define differences between clothes that are notable because of their distinction and smartness1 and clothes that are merely conspicuous and therefore vulgar1 is a very elusive point4 ,however1 there are certain rules that seem pretty well established4 ,,vulgar ,,clothes ,vulgar clothes are those which1 no matter what the fashion of the moment may be1 are always too elaborate for the occasion2 too exaggerated in style1 or have accessories out of proportion4 ,people of uncultivated taste are apt to fancy distortions2 to exaggerate rather than modify the prevailing fashions4 ,for example3 ,a conspicuous evidence of bad style that has persisted through numberless changes in fashion1 is the over-dressed and over-trimmed head4 ,the woman of uncultivated taste has no more sense of moderation than the ,queen of the ,cannibals4 ,she will elaborate her hair-dressing to start with 7this is all right1 if elaboration really suits her type7 and then she will decorate it with everything in the way of millinery and jewelry that she can lay her hands on4 ,or1 in the daytime1 she fancies equally over-weighted hats1 and rich-looking fur coats and the latest edition in the most conspicuous possible footwear4 ,and she much prefers wearing rings to gloves4 ,maybe she thinks they do not go together8 ,she despises sensible clothing2 she also despises plain fabrics and untrimmed models4 ,she also cares little 7apparently7 for staying at home1 since she is perpetually seen at restaurants and at every public entertainment4 ,the food she orders is rich1 the appearance she makes is rich2 in fact1 to see her often is like nothing so much as being forced to eat a large amount of butter-plain4 ,beau ,brummel's remark that when one attracted too much notice1 one could be sure of being not well-dressed but over-dressed1 has for a hundred years been the comfort of the dowdy4 ,it is1 of course1 very often true1 but not invariably4 ,a person may be stared at for any one of many reasons4 ,it depends very much on the stare4 ,a woman may be stared at because she is indiscreet1 or because she looks like a left-over member of the circus1 or because she is enchanting to look at4 ,if you are much stared at1 what sort of a stare do you usually meet8 ,is it bold1 or mocking1 or is it merely that people look at you wistfully8 ,if the first1 change your manner2 if the second1 wear more conventional clothes2 if the third1 you may be left as you are4 ,but be sure of your diagnosis of this last4 ,,extravagance ,,not ,,vulgarity ,ostentation is always vulgar but extravagance is not necessarily vulgar--not by any means4 ,extravagance can become dishonest if carried beyond one's income4 ,nearly everything that is beautiful or valuable is an extravagance--for most of us4 ,always to wear new gloves is an extravagant item for one with a small allowance--but scarcely vulgar6 ,a laundry bill can be extravagant1 flowers in one's city house1 a piece of beautiful furniture1 a good tapestry1 each is an extravagance to an income that can not easily afford the expenditure4 ,to one sufficient to buy the tapestry1 the flowers are not an extravagance at all4 ,to buy quantities of things that are not even used after they are bought is sheer wastefulness1 and to buy everything that tempts you1 whether you can afford to pay for it or not1 is1 if you can not afford it1 verging on the actually dishonest4 ,,dresses ,,for ,,dinners ,,and ,,balls ,supposing1 since clothes suitable to the occasion are the first requisite of good taste1 we take up a few details that are apart from fashion4 ,a dinner dress really means every sort of low1 or half low evening dress4 ,a formal dinner dress1 like a ball dress1 is always low-necked and without sleeves1 and is the handsomest type of evening dress that there is4 ,a ball dress may be exquisite in detail but it is often merely effective4 ,the perfect ball dress is one purposely designed with a skirt that is becoming when dancing4 ,a long wrapped type of dress would make ,diana herself look like a toy monkey-on-a-stick1 but might be dignified and beautiful at a dinner4 ,a dinner dress differs from a ball dress in little except that it is not necessarily designed for freedom of movement4 ,hair ornaments always look well at a ball but are not especially appropriate 7unless universally in fashion7 on other occasions4 ,a lady in a ball dress with nothing added to the head1 looks a little like being hatless in the street4 ,this sounds like a contradiction of the criticism of the vulgarian4 ,but because a tiara is beautiful at a ball1 or a spray of feathers1 or a high comb1 or another ornament1 does not mean that all of these should be put on together and worn in a restaurant2 which is just what the vulgarian would do4 ,whether1 to wear a head-dress1 however1 depends not alone upon fashion but upon the individual4 ,if the type of hair ornament at the moment in fashion is becoming1 wear it1 especially to balls and in a box at the opera4 ,but if it is not becoming1 don't4 ,ladies of fashion1 by the way1 do not have their hair especially dressed for formal occasions4 ,each wears her hair a certain way1 and it is put up every morning just as carefully as for a ball4 ,the only time it is arranged differently is for riding4 ,ah informal dinner dress is merely a modified formal one4 ,it is low in front and high in the back1 with long or elbow sleeves--or perhaps it is ,dutch neck and no sleeves4 ,when trains are in fashion1 all older women should wear them4 ,fashion or no fashion1 no woman who has passed forty looks really well in a cut-off evening dress4 ,an effect of train1 however1 can very adequately be produced with any arrangement or trimming that extends upon the floor4 ,the informal dinner dress is worn to the theater1 the restaurant 7of high class71 the concert and the opera4 ,informal dinner dresses are worn in the boxes at the opera on ordinary nights1 such as when no especially great star is to sing1 and when one is not going on to a ball afterward1 but a ball dress is never inappropriate1 especially without head-dress4 ,on gala nights1 ball dresses are worn in the boxes and head-dresses and as many jewels as one chooses--or has4 ,,the ,,tea-,,gown ,every one knows that a tea-gown is a hybrid between a wrapper and a ball dress4 ,it has always a train and usually long flowing sleeves2 is made of rather gorgeous materials and goes on easily1 and its chief use is not for wear at the tea-table so much as for dinner alone with one's family4 ,it can1 however1 very properly be put on for tea1 and if one is dining at home1 kept on for dinner4 ,otherwise a lady is apt to take tea in whatever dress she had on for luncheon1 and dress after tea for dinner4 ,one does not go out to dine in a tea-gown except in the house of a member of one's family or a most intimate friend4 ,one would wear a tea-gown in one's own house in receiving a guest to whose house one would wear a dinner dress4 ,,when ,,in ,,doubt ,there is one rule that is fairly safe to follow3 ,when in doubt1 wear the plainer dress4 ,it is always better far to be under-dressed than over-dressed4 ,if you don't know whether to put on a ball dress or a dinner dress1 wear the dinner dress4 ,or1 whether to wear cloth or brocade to a luncheon1 wear the cloth4 ,,on ,,the ,,street ,your tea-gowns1 since they are never worn in public1 can literally be as bizarre as you please1 and if you are driving in a closed motor1 you can also wear an original type of dress4 ,but in walking on the street1--if you care to be taken for a well-bred person--never wear anything that is exaggerated4 ,if skirts are short1 don't wear them two inches shorter than any one else's2 if they are long1 don't go down the street dragging a train and sweeping the dirt up on the under-flouncings4 7,let us hope that fashion never comes back67 ,don't wear too much jewelry2 it is in bad taste in the first place1 and in the second1 is a temptation to a thief4 ,and don't under any circumstances1 distort your figure into a grotesque shape4 ,,country ,,clothes ,nothing so marks the person who doesn't know as inappropriate choice of clothes4 ,to wear elaborate clothes out of doors in the country1 is quite as out of place as to parade sports clothes on the streets in town4 ,it is safe to say that sport clothes are appropriate country clothes--especially for all young people4 ,elderly ladies1 needless to say1 should not don sporting eccentricities nor wear sweaters to lunch parties2 but sensible country clothes1 such as have for many decades been worn in ,england1 of homespun or serge or jersey cloth or whatever has replaced these materials1 are certainly more appropriate to walk in than a town costume--even for a lady of seventy6 ,young people going to the country for the day wear sports clothes2 which if seen early in the morning in town and again late in the afternoon1 merely show you have been to the country4 ,but town clothes in the country proclaim your ignorance of fitness4 ,even for a lunch party at ,golden ,hall or ,great ,estates1 every one who is young wears smart country clothes4 ,,shoes ,,and ,,slippers ,sport shoes are naturally adapted to the sport for which they are intended4 ,high-heeled slippers do not go with any country clothes1 except organdie or muslins or other distinctly feminine summer dresses4 ,elaborate afternoon dresses of painted chiffons1 embroidered mulls1 etc41 are seen only at weddings1 lawn parties1 or at watering-places abroad4 ,a ,,suggestion ,,to ,,those ,,who ,,mind ,,sunburn ,no advice is intended for those who have a skin that either does not burn at all1 or turns a beautiful smooth ,hawaiian brown2 but a woman whose creamy complexion bursts into freckles1 as violent as they are hideous1 at the first touch of the sun need no longer stay perpetually indoors in daytime1 or venture out only when swathed like a ,turk1 if she knows the virtue in orange as a color that defies the sun's rays4 ,a thin veil of red-orange is more effective than a thick one of blue or black4 ,orange shirt-waists do not sound very conservative1 but they are mercifully conserving to arms sensitive to sunburn4 ,young ,mrs4 ,gilding1 whose skin is as perishable as it is lovely1 always wears orange on the golf course4 ,a skirt of burnt-orange serge of homespun or linen1 and shirt-waists of orange linen or crepe de chine4 ,a hat with a brim and a harem-veil 7pinned across her nose under her eyes7 of orange marquisette1--which is easier to breathe through than chiffon--allows her to play golf or tennis or to motor or even go out in a sailboat and keep her skin without a blemish4 ,constance ,style1 who also has a skin that the sun destroys1 wears orange playing tennis1 but for bathing wears a high-neck and long-sleeved bathing suit and makes her face up 7also the backs of her hands7 with theatrical grease paint that has a good deal of yellow in it1 and flesh color ordinary powder on top4 ,the grease paint withstands hot sun and water1 but it is messy4 ,the alternative1 however1 is a choice between complexion or bathing1 as it is otherwise prohibitive for the sun afflicted to have both4 ,,riding ,,clothes ,the distorted circus-mirror clothes seen on men who know no better1 are not a bit worse than the riding clothes seen on actresses in our best theaters and moving pictures--who ought to know better4 ,nothing looks worse than riding clothes made and worn badly1 and nothing looks smarter than they when well made and well put on4 ,a riding habit1 no matter what the fashion happens to be1 is like a uniform1 in that it must be made and worn according to regulations4 ,it must above all be meticulously trig and compact4 ,nothing must be sticking out a thousandth part of an inch that can be flattened in4 ,a riding habit is the counterpart of an officer's uniform2 it is not worn so as to make the wearer look pretty6 ,a woman to look well in a habit must be smart or she is a sight6 ,and nothing contributes so much to the sights we see at present as the attempt to look pretty instead of looking correct4 ,the criticism is not intended for the woman who lives far off in the open country and jumps on a horse in whatever she happens to have on1 but for those who dress for looks and ride in the parks of our cities1 or walk on the stage and before the camera1 in scenes meant to represent smart society6 ,to repeat1 therefore1 the young woman who wants to look pretty should confine her exercise to dancing4 ,she can also hold a parasol over her head and sit in a canoe--or she can be pretty how and where she will1 so long as it is not on a horse in the park or hunting-field4 7,to mention hunting-field is superfluous2 the woman who can ride well enough to follow the hounds is too good a sportswoman1 too great a lover of good form to be ignorant of the proper outline necessary to smartness of appearance in the saddle47 ,in smartest ,english society it is not considered best form for a young girl to ride astride in the hunting-field or in the park after she is grown4 ,a high-born ,english girl rides astride as a child1 but as soon as she is old enough to be presented at ,court1 she appears at a ,meet or in the ,row in a lady's habit1 trigly perfect in fit1 and on a side-saddle4 ,in ,america this is an extreme opinion1 and it is only among the most fashionable that a young girl having all her life ridden in a man's saddle1 finds the world a joyless place and parents cruel when she is no longer allowed to ride like a boy4 ,but she becomes1 in spite of her protests1 another who looks divine on a horse4 ,and you can look divine too1 if you choose6 ,on second thoughts the adjective must be qualified4 ,no one looks divine on a horse who is not thin as a shingle4 ,but since diet produces a shingle shape and every one strong-minded 7or vain7 enough1 can diet1 you need only care enough to count your calories and be as slim as you please4 ,next1 the best habit possible4 ,and best habits are expensive1 and there are no second best4 ,a habit is good or it is bad4 ,whatever the present fashion may be1 have your habit utterly conventional4 ,don't wear checks or have slant pockets1 or eccentric cuffs or lapels2 don't have the waist pinched in4 ,choose a plain dark or dust color4 ,a night blue that has a few white hairs in the mixture does not show dust as much as a solid dark color1 and a medium weight close material holds its shape better than a light loose weave4 ,you may wear a single white carnation or a few violets in your buttonhole--but no other trimming4 ,keep the idea of perfect clothes for men in mind1 get nothing that the smartest man would not wear1 and you can't go wrong4 ,get boots like those of a man1 low-heeled and with a straight line from heel to back of top4 ,don't have the tops wider than absolutely necessary not to bind1 and don't have them curved or fancy in shape4 ,be sure that there is no elbow sticking out like a horse's hock at the back of the boot1 and don't have a corner on the inside edge of the sole4 ,and don't try to wear a small size6 ,,when ,,you ,,put ,,your ,,habit ,,on ,first1 hair3 ,never mind if you look like ,mme4 ,recamier with your hair fluffed and like a skinned rabbit with it tight back1 tight1 flat back it must go4 ,brush it smooth as you can1 braid it or coil it about level with the top of your ears and wind it in a door mat1 not a knob in the back4 ,if you have a great quantity of hair1 you should take all the inner part of it1 coil it on top of your head so it will go under your hat out of the way4 ,then take the outer edge of it and braid or wind it as flat as possible4 ,a large bun at the back of the head is almost as bad as hair drawn over the ears at the side4 ,if you have short hairs likely to blow1 you must wear a hunting hair net4 ,and if it is bobbed1 it must be drawn back into a silk riding net and made to look trim4 ,correct riding clothes are not fashion but form6 ,whether coat skirts are long or short1 full or plain1 and waists wasp-like or square1 the above admonitions have held for many decades1 and are likely to hold for many more4 ,gloves must be of heavy leather and at least two sizes bigger than those ordinarily worn4 ,a hat must fit the head and its shape must be conventional4 ,never wear a hat that would be incorrect on a man1 and don't wear it on the back of your head or over your nose4 ,wear your stock as tight as you comfortably can1 not too tight6 ,tie it smartly so as to make it flat and neat1 and anchor whatever you wear so securely that nothing can possibly come loose4 ,and if you want to see a living example of perfection in riding clothes1 go to the next horse-show where ,miss ,belle ,beach is riding and look at her6 ,,what ,,clothes ,,to ,,take ,,for ,a ,,week-,,end ,unless fashion turns itself upside down 7which it is1 of course1 perfectly capable of doing71 elaborate clothes1 except evening ones1 are entirely useless1 even in ,newport4 ,we have all of us abandoned ,paris fashions for country wear in favor of those of ,england4 ,the ,valenciennes insertions and trailing chiffons of some years ago1 still seen at watering-places in ,france1 have been entirely superseded by country clothes4 ,in going to any fashionable house in the country1 you should take a dinner dress for each evening1 with stockings and slippers to match4 ,you need a country dress for each day1 or if the weather is uncertain1 a thick one and two thin ones1 with a long coat1 and a dress suitable for church4 ,this one can perfectly well be a country dress1 but not a sports one4 ,if you are not too young and are going to stay in an informal house where you will probably be the only guest1 and where it is likely no one will be asked in1 a tea-gown or two should be taken4 ,if you are going especially for a ball1 but not given by your hostess1 needless to say1 you take a ball dress and an evening wrap4 ,in the autumn or winter1 a fur coat will do double service for coat and wrap4 ,do not take a big trunk full of all the things you don't need4 ,don't take sports clothes for all occasions if you are not a sportswoman4 ,but if you do ride1 or play tennis or golf1 or skate or swim1 be sure to take your own clothes and don't borrow other people's4 ,there are plenty of ingeniously arranged week-end trunks1 very compact in size1 that have a hat compartment1 holding from two to six hats1 and plenty of room for a half a dozen dresses and their accessories4 ,,when ,,the ,,income ,,is ,,limited ,no one can dress well on nothing a year2 that must be granted at the outset4 ,but a woman who has talent1 taste1 and ingenuity can be suitably and charmingly dressed on little a year1 especially at present4 ,first of all1 to mind wearing a dress many times because it indicates a small bank account1 is to exhibit a false notion of the values in life4 ,any one who thinks well or ill of her1 in accordance with her income1 can not be too quickly got rid of6 ,but worthwhile people are influenced in her disfavor when she has clothes in number and quality out of proportion to her known financial situation4 ,it is tiresome everlastingly to wear black1 but nothing is so serviceable1 nothing so unrecognizable1 nothing looks so well on every occasion4 ,a very striking dress can not be worn many times without making others as well as its owner feel bored at the sight of it4 ,here comes the ,zebra or the ,cockatoo6 is inevitable if a dress of stripes or flamboyant color is worn often4 ,she who must wear one dress through a season and have it perhaps made over the next1 would better choose black or cream color4 ,or perhaps a certain color suits her1 and this fact makes it possible for her habitually to wear it without impressing others with her lack of clothes4 ,but whether her background be black or cerise it should invariably blend with her whole wardrobe1 so that all accessories can be made to do double or quadruple service4 ,supposing you are a young woman with more beauty than wealth6 ,let us also suppose you have three evening dresses1 a blue1 a pink and a green4 ,at the moment you can wear flesh-colored slippers and stockings with everything1 which rather weakens the argument--however1 a blue fan does not look well with a pink or a green dress1 nor do the other combinations4 ,supposing1 however1 you had instead a cream-colored dress1 a flesh-colored1 and an orchid one4 ,flesh-colored slippers look much better with cream and orchid than with either green or blue1 at any rate6 ,a watermelon pink fan is lovely in night-light with all three2 so is a cream one4 ,or perhaps by changing both fan and slippers1 a different effect is produced1 since the colors of your clothes are background colors4 ,but nothing really can compare with the utility and smartness of black4 ,take a black tulle dress1 made in the simplest possible way2 worn plain1 it is a simple dinner dress4 ,it can have a lace slip to go over it1 and make another dress4 ,with a jet harness--meaning merely trimming that can be added at will--it is still another dress4 ,or it can have a tunic of silver or of gold trimming2 and fans1 flowers and slippers in various colors1 such as watermelon or emerald1 change it again4 ,in fact1 a black tulle can be changed almost as easily as though done with a magician's wand4 ,to choose daytime clothes that go with the same hats1 shoes1 parasols1 wrist-bags1 and gloves1 is equally important4 ,a snuff-colored dress and a gray one need entirely different accessories4 ,russet shoes1 chamois gloves1 and sand-colored hat go also with henna1 raspberry1 reds1 etc42 but gray must have gray or white shoes1 gloves1 and hat1 which also go with blues1 greens and violets4 ,,don',t ,,get ,,too ,,many ,,clothes ,choose the clothes which you must have1 carefully1 and if you must cut down1 cut down on elaborate ones4 ,there is scarcely anywhere that you can not1 fittingly go in plain clothes4 ,very few1 if any1 people need fancy things2 all people need plain ones4 ,a very beautiful ,chicago woman who is always perfectly dressed for every occasion1 worked out the cost of her own clothes this way3 ,on a sheet of paper1 thumb-tacked on the inside of her closet door1 she put a complete typewritten list of her dresses and hats1 and the cost of each4 ,every time she put on a dress she made a pencil mark4 ,by and by when a dress was discarded1 she divided the cost of it by the number of times it had been worn4 ,in this way she found out accurately which were her cheapest and which her most expensive clothes4 ,when getting new ones she has the advantage of very valuable information1 since she avoids the dress that is never put on1 which is a bigger handicap for the medium-sized allowance than many women realize4 ,,what ,,to ,,wear ,,in ,a ,,restaurant ,restaurant dress depends upon the restaurant and the city4 ,because women in ,new ,york wear low-necked dresses and no hats1 does not mean that those who live in ,new ,town should do the same1 if it is not ,new ,town's custom4 ,but you must never wear an evening dress and a hat6 ,and never wear a day dress without one4 ,if in the city where you live1 people wear day clothes in the evening1 you can only very slightly differ from them4 ,it is never good form to be elaborately dressed in a public place1 except in a box at the opera or at a charity ball4 ,,at ,a ,,wedding1 ,a ,,garden ,,party ,,or ,,afternoon ,,tea ,these are the occasions when elaborate day dresses are appropriate4 ,but if you have very few clothes1 you can perfectly well wear any sort of day dress that may be in fashion4 ,a coat and skirt is not appropriate1 since a skirt and shirt-waist is and always has been a utility combination4 ,unless1 of course1 the waist is of a color to match the skirt so that it has the appearance of a dress4 ,you need1 however1 seldom worry about your appearance because you are not as dressed as the others2 the time to worry is when you are more dressed than any one else4 ,for a garden-party a country dress is quite all right2 though if you have a very elaborate summer dress1 this is the only time you can wear it6 ,no one has to be told what to wear to church4 ,in small country churches1 at the seashore1 people go to church in country clothes2 otherwise1 as every one knows1 one puts on town clothes1 and gloves4 ,at a formal luncheon in town1 one sees every sort of dress from velvet to tailor-made4 ,certain ladies1 older ones usually1 who like elaborate clothes1 wear them4 ,but younger people are usually dressed in worsted materials or silks that are dull in finish1 and that1 although they may be embroidered and very expensive1 give an effect of simplicity4 ,one should always wear a simpler dress in one's own house than one wears in going to the house of another4 ,a ,,few ,,general ,,remarks ,the fault of bad taste is usually in over-dressing4 ,quality not effect1 is the standard to seek for4 ,machine-made passementerie on top of conspicuous but sleazy material is always shoddy4 ,cut and fit are the two items of greatest importance in women's clothes1 as well as in men's4 ,but fashion changes too rapidly to make value of material always wise expenditure for one of slender purse4 ,better usually have two dresses1 each cut and made in the whim of the moment1 than one which must be worn after the whim has become a freak4 ,in men's clothes the opposite rule should be followed since good style in men's clothes is unchanging4 ,to buy things at sales is very much like buying things at an auction2 if you really know what you want and something about values1 you can often do marvellously well2 but if you are easily bewildered and know little of values1 you are apt to spend your good money on trash4 ,a woman of small means must either be 7or learn to be7 discriminatingly careful1 or she would better have her clothes made at home1 or if she is of model type1 buy them ready-made4 ,the ready-to-wear clothes in the ,misses' ,department are growing every year better looking2 unfortunately and for some inexplicable reason1 the usual ,women's ,department does not compare in good taste in selection of models with the former1 and it is unusual to find a dress that a lady of fashion would choose except among the imported models1 for which store prices are as a rule higher than those asked by the greatest dressmakers4 ,evening clothes are still usually unbuyable by the over-fastidious1 except for a certain flapper type 7and an undistinguished one at that671 and the ultra-smart woman is still obliged to go to the private importers for her dbutante daughter's ball-dresses as well as her own--or else into her own sewing-room4 ,,fashion ,,and ,,fat ,for years the thin1 even the scrawny1 have had everything their own way4 ,the woman who is fat1 or even plump1 has a rather hopeless problem unless fashion goes to ,turkey for its next inspiration1 which is so unlikely it is almost possible6 ,two things the fat woman should avoid3 big patterns and the stiff tailor-made4 ,fat women look better in feminine clothes that follow in the wake1 never in the advance1 of modified fashion4 ,fat women should never wear elaborate clothes or clothes in light colors or heavily feathered hats4 ,the tendency of fat is to take away from one's gracility2 therefore1 any one inclined to be fat must be ultra conservative--in order to counteract the effect4 ,very tight clothes make fat people look fatter and thin people thinner4 ,satin is a bad material1 since high lights are too shimmeringly accentuated4 ,heavy ankles1 needless to say1 should never be clothed in light stockings and dark shoes2 long1 pointed slippers accentuate a thick ankle1 and so does a short skirt that has a straight hem4 ,a ragged edge is most flattering4 ,dress1 stockings and slippers to match are unavoidable in evening dress1 but when possible a thick ankle should have a dark stocking--or at least a slipper to match the stocking4 ,people should select colors that go with their skin4 ,and elderly women should not wear grass green1 or ,royal blue1 or purple1 or any hard color that needs a faultless complexion4 ,swarthy skin always looks better in colors that have red or yellow in them4 ,a very sallow person in pale blue or apple green looks like a well-developed case of jaundice4 ,pink and orchid are often very becoming to older women2 and pale blue or yellow to those with fair skin4 ,because a woman is no longer young is no reason why she should wear perpetual black--unless she is fat4 ,,clothes ,,for ,,traveling ,,in ,,europe ,ideal traveling clothes are those which do not wrinkle or show rain spots2 and to find which these are it is necessary to take a sample of each material1 sprinkle it with water1 and twist it to see how much abuse it will stand4 ,every woman knows what she likes best1 and what she considers suitable4 ,two alternating traveling dresses at least will be necessary1 and two or three semi-evening dresses to put on for dinner4 ,one very simple half-dinner dress of black1 that has a combination of trimmings such as described earlier in this chapter1 is ideally useful4 ,tourists do not put on evening clothes except in very fashionable centers1 such as ,london1 ,paris1 ,monte ,carlo or ,deauville1 and then only if staying at an ultra fashionable hotel4 ,to be over-dressed is always in bad taste4 ,so that unless you are going to visit or make several-day stops the one black evening dress suggested would answer every possible purpose4 ,if you intend staying for a long time in one place1 you take all of your season's clothes2 and if you are going to visit in ,england1 or to stay anywhere in the country1 you will need country clothes1 but not on ordinary touring4 ,for motoring1 space is precious1 and clothes should be chosen with the object of packing into small dimensions4 ,motoring in ,europe is cold4 ,a very warm1 long wrap is necessary4 ,an old fur one is much the best1 and a small1 close hat that does not blow4 ,,clothes ,,and ,,paris ,it is something like this3 ,you have been hypnotized before1 and you vow you won't be again6 ,you make up your mind that you are going to get a black dress and a dark blue--and nothing else4 ,you enter the lower reception hall and mount the bronze balustraded stairs half way when already ,mlle4 ,marie is aware of your approach4 ,she greets you not only as though you are the only customer she has ever had1 but as though your coming has saved--just saved in time--the prestige of the house4 ,she tells you breathlessly that you are just in time to see the parade of models2 she puts you where you may have an uninterrupted view4 ,she then begins her greetings all over again by asking not alone after all the members of your family and an extraordinarily long list of friends1 but makes a solicitous inquiry after each dress that she has ever sold you4 ,did ,madame like her white velvet8 she coos4 ,was it not most useful8 ,was not her black lace charming8 ,and the bisque cloth--surely ,madame had found great satisfaction in wearing the bisque cloth8 ,but your ears are as stone to her blandishments6 ,as a traveling suit1 bisque-colored cloth had not been serviceable6 ,black lace with a cerise velvet under petticoat might be effective at ,armenonville1 but it had seemed queer1 to say the least1 at the tennis match in ,august4 ,no1 you are at last immune from any of those sudden attacks of new fashion fever that result in loss of judgment4 ,you open your little book and consult your list4 ,i should like1 you say1 a navy blue serge trimmed with black braid or satin or something like that2 a black crpe de chine absolutely plain2 ,i really need nothing else4 ,you do not look at ,mile4 ,marie's crestfallen face1 you watch the procession of models4 ,but the old spell works4 ,besides zebra stripes and gold shot with cerise and purple1 you think an emerald green charmeuse is really a perfect substitute for the plain black crpe de chine you had in mind4 ,you show that you are hypnotized by remarking absently1 ,it is the color of the grass4 ,instantly1 ,mlle4 ,marie1 the most skillful vendeuse in ,paris1 becomes radiant4 ,listen1 ,madame1 she says to you in that insinuating1 confidential1 yet humbly ingratiating manner of hers4 ,let me explain1 ,madame1--the idea of dress this year is altogether idyllic6 ,never has there been such charming return to nature4 ,the great originator of our house has taken his suggestion--but yes6 from the little animals of the fields and woods--from ,nature herself6 ,our dresses this year are intended to follow the example of all the little animals dressed to match their backgrounds4 ,is not that thought exquisite8 ,is not that delicious8 ,is an emerald lizard conspicuous in the tropics8 ,is a zebra even seen in patches of sun and shade8 ,and in the snow1 think of all the little animals who put on white coats in winter6 ,obviously white is the color intended for winter wear4 ,and for the spring1 green4 ,emerald green assuredly4 ,it is as ,madame herself said1 the color of the grass4 ,the emerald charmeuse on a lawn in summer would be a poem of harmony4 ,the cerise for afternoons at sunset2 this orange shading into coral embroidery to wear beside the fire4 ,the dark blue chiffon embroidered in silver is for night4 ,all the colors that ,madame at first found so bright--they are but the colors of a summer flower garden4 ,what would ,madame wear in a flower garden8 ,black crpe de chine8 ,assuredly not6 ,see this shell pink chiffon1 how lovely it would look under trees of apple blossoms4 ,blue serge6 ,oh1 what an escape4 ,and now if ,madame will permit me to suggest8--the green1 but assuredly6 and the orange and coral1 and the pink chiffon garden dress1 and the zebra1 for travelling1 and the blue and silver4444 ,however1 to be serious1 people do go to ,paris and buy their clothes--beautiful clothes6 ,of course they do2 especially those who go every year4 ,but the woman who goes abroad perhaps every four or five years is apt to be deficient in a trans-,atlantic sense4 ,match backgrounds1 like charming little animals8 ,never6 ,oh1 a very big ,never ,again6 ,and yet the next time shall you not find it a temptation to go just out of curiosity to find out what the newest artfully enticing little tune of the ,pied ,pipers of ,paris will be6 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv ,,the ,,clothes ,,of ,a ,,gentleman ,it would seem that some of our great clothing establishments1 with an eye to our polyglot ancestry1 have attempted to incorporate some feature of every ,european national costume into a harmonious whole1 and have thus given us that abiding horror1 the freak ,american suit4 ,you will see it everywhere1 on ,broadway of every city and ,main ,street of every town1 on the boardwalks and beaches of coast resorts1 and even in remote farming villages4 ,it comes up to hit you in the face year after year in all its amazing variations3 waist-line under the arm pits1 trick little belts1 what-nots in the cuffs2 trousers so narrow you fear they will burst before your eyes1 pockets placed in every position1 buttons clustered together in a tight little row or reduced to one4 ,and the worst of it is1 few of our younger men know any better until they go abroad and find their wardrobe a subject for jest and derision4 ,if you would dress like a gentleman1 you must do one of two things2 either study the subject of a gentleman's wardrobe until you are competent to pick out good suits from freaks and direct your misguided tailor1 or1 at least until your perceptions are trained1 go to an ,english one4 ,this latter method is the easiest1 and1 by all odds1 the safest4 ,it is not ,anglomania but plain common sense to admit that1 just as the ,rue de la ,paix in ,paris is the fountainhead of fashions for women1 ,bond ,street in ,london is the home of irreproachable clothes for men4 ,and yet1 curiously enough1 just as a woman shopping in ,paris can buy frightful clothes--or the most beautiful2 a man can in ,america buy the worst clothes in the world--and the best4 ,the ordinary run of ,english clothes may not be especially good1 but they are1 on the other hand1 never bad2 whereas ,american freak clothes are distortions like the reflections seen in the convex and concave mirrors of the amusement parks4 ,but not even the leading tailors of ,bond ,street can excel the supremely good ,american tailor--whose clothes however are identical in every particular with those of ,london1 and their right to be called best is for greater perfection of workmanship and fit4 ,this last is a dangerous phrase2 fit means perfect set and line1 not plaster tightness4 ,however1 let us suppose that you are either young1 or at least fairly young2 that you have unquestioned social position1 and that you are going to get yourself an entire wardrobe4 ,let us also suppose your money is not unlimited1 so that it may also be seen where you may not1 or may if necessary1 economize4 ,,formal ,,evening ,,clothes ,your full dress is the last thing to economize on4 ,it must be perfect in fit1 cut and material1 and this means a first-rate tailor4 ,it must be made of a dull-faced worsted1 either black or night blue1 on no account of broadcloth4 ,aside from satin facing and collar1 which can have lapels or be cut shawl-shaped1 and wide braid on the trousers1 it must have no trimming whatever4 ,avoid satin or velvet cuffs1 moir neck ribbons and fancy coat buttons as you would the plague4 ,wear a plain white linen waistcoat1 not one of cream colored silk1 or figured or even black brocade4 ,have all your linen faultlessly clean--always--and your tie of plain white lawn1 tied so it will not only stay in place but look as though nothing short of a backward somersault could disarrange it4 ,your handkerchief must be white2 gloves 7at opera or ball7 white2 flower in buttonhole 7if any7 white4 ,if you are a normal size1 you can in ,america buy inexpensive shirts1 and white waistcoats that are above reproach1 but if you are abnormally tall or otherwise an out size so that everything has to be made to order1 you will have to pay anywhere from double to four times as much for each article you put on4 ,when you go out on the street1 wear an ,english silk hat1 not one of the taper crowned variety popular in the movies4 ,and wear it on your head1 not on the back of your neck4 ,have your overcoat of plain black or dark blue material1 for you must wear an overcoat with full dress even in summer4 ,use a plain white or black and white muffler4 ,colored ones are impossible4 ,wear white buckskin gloves if you can afford them2 otherwise gray or khaki doeskin1 and leave them in your overcoat pocket4 ,your stick should be of plain ,malacca or other wood1 with either a crooked or straight handle4 ,the only ornamentation allowable is a plain silver or gold band1 or top2 but perfectly plain is best form4 ,and lastly1 wear patent leather pumps1 shoes or ties1 and plain black silk socks1 and leave your rubbers--if you must wear them1 in the coat room4 ,,the ,,tuxedo ,the ,tuxedo1 which is the essential evening dress of a gentleman1 is simply the ,english dinner coat4 ,it was first introduced in this country at the ,tuxedo ,club to provide something less formal than the swallow-tail1 and the name has clung ever since4 ,to a man who can not afford to get two suits of evening clothes1 the ,tuxedo is of greater importance4 ,it is worn every evening and nearly everywhere1 whereas the tail coat is necessary only at balls1 formal dinners1 and in a box at the opera4 ,tuxedo clothes are made of the same materials and differ from full dress ones in only three particulars3 the cut of the coat1 the braid on the trousers1 and the use of a black tie instead of a white one4 ,the dinner coat has no tails and is cut like a sack suit except that it is held closed in front by one button at the waist line4 7,a full dress coat1 naturally1 hangs open47 ,the lapels are satin faced1 and the collar left in cloth1 or if it is shawl-shaped the whole collar is of satin4 ,the trousers are identical with full dress ones except that braid1 if used at all1 should be narrow4 ,cuffed trousers are not good form1 nor should a dinner coat be double-breasted4 ,fancy ties are bad form4 ,choose a plain black silk or satin one4 ,wear a white waistcoat if you can afford the strain on your laundry bill1 otherwise a plain black one4 ,by no means wear a gray one nor a gray tie4 ,the smartest hat for town wear is an opera1 but a straw or felt which is proper in the country1 is not out of place in town4 ,otherwise1 in the street the accessories are the same as those already given under the previous heading4 ,,the ,,house ,,suit ,the house suit is an extravagance that may be avoided1 and an old ,tuxedo suit worn instead4 ,a gentleman is always supposed to change his clothes for dinner1 whether he is going out or dining at home alone or with his family1 and for this latter occasion some inspired person evolved the house1 or lounge1 suit1 which is simply a dinner coat and trousers cut somewhat looser than ordinary evening ones1 made of an all-silk or silk and wool fabric in some dark color1 and lined with either satin or silk4 ,nothing more comfortable--or luxurious--could be devised for sitting in a deep easy-chair after dinner1 in a reclining position that is ruinous to best evening clothes4 ,its purpose is really to save wear on evening clothes1 and to avoid some of their discomfort also1 because they can not be given hard or careless usage and long survive4 ,a house suit is distinctly what the name implies1 and is not an appropriate garment to wear out for dinner or to receive any but intimate guests in at home4 ,the accessories are a pleated shirt1 with turndown stiff collar1 and black bow tie1 or even an unstarched shirt with collar attached 7white of course74 ,the coat is made with two buttons instead of one1 because no waistcoat is worn with it4 ,,formal ,,afternoon ,,dress ,formal afternoon dress consists of a black cutaway coat with white piqu or black cloth waistcoat1 and gray-and-black striped trousers4 ,the coat may be bound with braid1 or1 even in better taste1 plain4 ,a satin-faced lapel is not conservative on a cutaway1 but it is the correct facing for the more formal 7and elderly7 frock coat4 ,either a cutaway or a frock coat is always accompanied by a silk hat1 and best worn with plain black waistcoat and a black bow tie or a black and white four-in-hand tie4 ,a gray silk ascot worn with the frock coat is supposed to be the correct wedding garment of the bride's father4 7,for details of clothes worn by groom and ushers at a wedding1 see chapter on weddings47 ,shoes may be patent leather1 although black calfskin are at present the fashion1 either with or without spats4 ,if with spats1 be sure that they fit close2 nothing is worse than a wrinkled spat or one that sticks out over the instep like the opened bill of a duck6 ,though gray cutaway suits and gray top hats have always been worn to the races in ,england1 they do not seem suitable here1 as races in ,america are not such full-dress occasions as in ,france and ,england4 ,but at a spring wedding or other formal occasions a sand-colored double-breasted linen waistcoat with spats and bow tie to match looks very well with a black cutaway and almost black trousers1 on a man who is young4 ,,the ,,business ,,suit ,the business suit or three-piece sack is made or marred by its cut alone4 ,it is supposed to be an every-day inconspicuous garment and should be4 ,a few rules to follow are3 ,don't choose striking patterns of materials2 suitable woolen stuffs come in endless variety1 and any which look plain at a short distance are safe1 though they may show a mixture of colors or pattern when viewed closely4 ,don't get too light a blue1 too bright a green1 or anything suggesting a horse blanket4 ,at the present moment trousers are made with a cuff2 sleeves are not4 ,lapels are moderately small4 ,padded shoulders are an abomination4 ,peg-topped trousers equally bad4 ,if you must be eccentric1 save your efforts for the next fancy dress ball1 where you may wear what you please1 but in your business clothing be reasonable4 ,above everything1 don't wear white socks1 and don't cover yourself with chains1 fobs1 scarf pins1 lodge emblems1 etc41 and don't wear horsey shirts and neckties4 ,you will only make a bad impression on every one you meet4 ,the clothes of a gentleman are always conservative2 and it is safe to avoid everything than can possibly come under the heading of novelty4 ,,jewelry ,in your jewelry let diamonds be conspicuous by their absence4 ,nothing is more vulgar than a display of ice on a man's shirt front1 or on his fingers4 ,there is a good deal of jewelry that a gentleman may be allowed to wear1 but it must be chosen with discrimination4 ,pearl shirt-studs 7real ones7 are correct for full dress only1 and not to be worn with a dinner coat unless they are so small as to be entirely inconspicuous4 ,otherwise you may wear enamel studs 7that look like white linen7 or black onyx with a rim of platinum1 or with a very inconspicuous pattern in diamond chips1 but so tiny that they can not be told from a threadlike design in platinum--or others equally moderate4 ,waistcoat buttons1 studs and cuff links1 worn in sets1 is an ,american custom that is permissible4 ,both waistcoat buttons and cuff links may be jewelled and valuable1 but they must not have big precious stones or be conspicuous4 ,a watch chain should be very thin and a man's ring is usually a seal ring of plain gold or a dark stone4 ,if a man wears a jewel at all it should be sunk into a plain gypsy hoop setting that has no ornamentation1 and worn on his little1 not his third1 finger4 ,,in ,,the ,,country ,gay-colored socks and ties are quite appropriate with flannels or golf tweeds4 ,only in your riding clothes you must again be conservative4 ,if you can get boots built on ,english lines1 wear them2 otherwise wear leggings4 ,and remember that all leather must be real leather in the first place and polished until its surface is like glass4 ,have your breeches fit you4 ,the coat is less important1 in fact1 any odd coat will do4 ,your legs are the cynosure of attention in riding4 ,most men in the country wear knickerbockers with golf stockings1 with a sack or a belted or a semi-belted coat1 and in any variety of homespuns or tweeds or rough worsted materials4 ,or they wear long trousered flannels4 ,coats are of the polo or ulster variety4 ,for golf or tennis many men wear sweater coats4 ,shirts are of cheviot or silk or flannel1 all with soft collars attached and to match4 ,the main thing is to dress appropriately4 ,if you are going to play golf1 wear golf clothes2 if tennis1 wear flannels4 ,do not wear a yachting cap ashore unless you are living on board a yacht4 ,white woolen socks are correct with white buckskin shoes in the country1 but not in town4 ,if some semi-formal occasion comes up1 such as a country tea1 the time-worn conservative blue coat with white flannel trousers is perennially good4 ,,other ,,hints ,the well-dressed man is always a paradox4 ,he must look as though he gave his clothes no thought and as though literally they grew on him like a dog's fur1 and yet he must be perfectly groomed4 ,he must be close-shaved and have his hair cut and his nails in good order 7not too polished74 ,his linen must always be immaculate1 his clothes in press1 his shoes perfectly done4 ,his brown shoes must shine like old mahogany1 and his white buckskin must be whitened and polished like a prize bull terrier at a bench show4 ,ties and socks and handkerchief may go together1 but too perfect a match betrays an effort for effect which is always bad4 ,the well-dressed man never wears the same suit or the same pair of shoes two days running4 ,he may have only two suits1 but he wears them alternately2 if he has four suits he should wear each every fourth day4 ,the longer time they have to recover their shape1 the better4 ,,what ,,to ,,wear ,,on ,,various ,,occasions ,the appropriate clothes for various occasions are given below4 ,if ever in doubt what to wear1 the best rule is to err on the side of informality4 ,thus1 if you are not sure whether to put on your dress suit or your ,tuxedo1 wear the latter4 ,,full ,,dress #a4 ,at the opera4 #b4 ,at an evening wedding4 #c4 ,at a dinner to which the invitations are worded in the third person4 #d4 ,at a ball1 or formal evening entertainment4 #e4 ,at certain ,state functions on the ,continent of ,europe in broad daylight4 ,,tuxedo #a4 ,at the theater4 #b4 ,at most dinners4 #c4 ,at informal parties4 #d4 ,dining at home4 #e4 ,dining in a restaurant4 ,a ,,cutaway ,,or ,,frock ,,coat ,,with ,,striped ,,trousers #a4 ,at a noon or afternoon wedding4 #b4 ,on ,sunday for church 7in the city74 #c4 ,at any formal daytime function4 #d4 ,in ,england to business4 #e4 ,as usher at a wedding4 #f4 ,as pall-bearer4 ,,business ,,suits #a4 ,all informal daytime occasions4 #b4 ,traveling4 #c4 ,the coat of a blue suit with white flannel or duck trousers for a lunch1 or to church1 in the country4 #d4 ,a blue or black sack suit will do in place of a cutaway at a wedding1 but not if you are the groom or an usher4 ,,country ,,clothes #a4 ,only in the country4 ,to wear odd tweed coats and flannel trousers in town is not only inappropriate1 but bad taste4 ,,chapter ,,xxxv ,,the ,,kindergarten ,,of ,,etiquette ,in the houses of the well-to-do where the nursery is in charge of a woman of refinement who is competent to teach little children proper behavior1 they are never allowed to come to table in the dining-room until they have learned at least the elements of good manners4 ,but whether in a big house of this description1 or in a small house where perhaps the mother alone must be the teacher1 children can scarcely be too young to be taught the rudiments of etiquette1 nor can the teaching be too patiently or too conscientiously carried out4 ,training a child is exactly like training a puppy2 a little heedless inattention and it is out if hand immediately2 the great thing is not to let it acquire bad habits that must afterward be broken4 ,any child can be taught to be beautifully behaved with no effort greater than quiet patience and perseverance1 whereas to break bad habits once they are acquired is a ,herculean task4 ,,elementary ,,table ,,manners ,since a very little child can not hold a spoon properly1 and as neatness is the first requisite in table-manners1 it should be allowed to hold its spoon as it might take hold of a bar in front of it1 back of the hand up1 thumb closed over fist4 ,the pusher 7a small flat piece of silver at right angles to a handle7 is held in the same way1 in the left hand4 ,also in the first eating lessons1 a baby must be allowed to put a spoon in its mouth1 pointed end foremost4 ,its first lessons must be to take small mouthfuls1 to eat very slowly1 to spill nothing1 to keep the mouth shut while chewing and not smear its face over4 ,in drinking1 a child should use both hands to hold a mug or glass until its hand is big enough so it can easily hold a glass in one4 ,when it can eat without spilling anything or smearing its lips1 and drink without making grease moons on its mug or tumbler 7by always wiping its mouth before drinking71 it may be allowed to come to table in the dining-room as a treat1 for ,sunday lunch or breakfast4 ,or if it has been taught by its mother at table1 she can relax her attention somewhat from its progress4 ,girls are usually daintier and more easily taught than boys1 but most children will behave badly at table if left to their own devices4 ,even though they may commit no serious offenses1 such as making a mess of their food or themselves1 or talking with their mouths full1 all children love to crumb bread1 flop this way and that in their chairs1 knock spoons and forks together1 dawdle over their food1 feed animals--if any are allowed in the room--or become restless and noisy4 ,once graduated to the dining-room1 any reversion to such tactics must be firmly reprehended1 and the child should understand that continued offense means a return to the nursery4 ,but before company it is best to say as little as possible1 since too much nagging in the presence of strangers lessens a child's incentive to good behavior before them4 ,if it refuses to behave nicely1 much the best thing to do is to say nothing1 but get up and quietly lead it from the table back to the nursery4 ,it is not only bad for the child but annoying to a guest to continue instructions before company1 and the child learns much more quickly to be well-behaved if it understands that good behavior is the price of admission to grown-up society4 ,a word or two such as1 ,don't lean on the table1 darling1 or pay attention to what you are doing1 dear1 should suffice4 ,but a child that is noisy1 that reaches out to help itself to candy or cake1 that interrupts the conversation1 that eats untidily has been allowed to leave the nursery before it has been properly graduated4 ,table manners must1 of course1 proceed slowly in exactly the same way that any other lessons proceed in school4 ,having learned when a baby to use the nursery implements of spoon and pusher1 the child1 when it is a little older1 discards them for the fork1 spoon and knife4 ,,the ,,proper ,,use ,,of ,,the ,,fork ,as soon1 therefore1 as his hand is dexterous enough1 the child must be taught to hold his fork1 no longer gripped baby-fashion in his fist1 but much as a pencil is held in writing2 only the fingers are placed nearer the top than the point1 the thumb and two first fingers are closed around the handle two-thirds of the way up the shank1 and the food is taken up shovel-wise on the turned-up prongs4 ,at first his little fingers will hold his fork stiffly1 but as he grows older his fingers will become more flexible just as they will in holding his pencil4 ,if he finds it hard work to shovel his food1 he can1 for a while1 continue to use his nursery pusher4 ,by and by the pusher is changed for a small piece of bread1 which is held in his left hand and between thumb and first two fingers1 and against which the fork shovels up such elusive articles as corn1 peas1 poached egg1 etc4 ,,the ,,spoon ,in using the spoon1 he holds it in his right hand like the fork4 ,in eating cereal or dessert1 he may be allowed to dip the bowl of the spoon toward him and eat from the end1 but in eating soup he must dip his spoon away from him--turning the outer rim of the bowl down as he does so--fill the bowl not more than three-quarters full and sip it1 without noise1 out of the side 7not the end7 of the bowl4 ,the reason why the bowl must not be filled full is because it is impossible to lift a brimming spoonful of liquid to his mouth without spilling some1 or in the case of porridge without filling his mouth too full4 ,while still very young he may be taught never to leave the spoon in a cup while drinking out of it1 but after stirring the cocoa1 or whatever it is1 to lay the spoon in the saucer4 ,a very ugly table habit1 which seems to be an impulse among all children1 is to pile a great quantity of food on a fork and then lick or bite it off piecemeal4 ,this must on no account be permitted4 ,it is perfectly correct1 however1 to sip a little at a time1 of hot liquid from a spoon4 ,in taking any liquid either from a spoon or drinking vessel1 no noise must ever be made4 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,eating ,,soup ,,the ,,child ,,must ,,dip ,,his ,,spoon ,,away ,,from ,,him--,,turning ,,the ,,outer ,,rim ,,of ,,the ,,spoon ,,down ,,as ,,he ,,does ,,so4444 ,page #egc4 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,being ,,taught ,,to ,,use ,,knife ,,and ,,fork ,,together1 ,,the ,,child ,,should ,,at ,,first ,,cut ,,only ,,something ,,very ,,easy1 ,,such ,,as ,a ,,slice ,,of ,,chicken4444 ,page #egd4 ,illustration3 ,,having ,,cut ,,off ,a ,,mouthful1 ,,he ,,thrusts ,,the ,,fork ,,through ,,it1 ,,with ,,prongs ,,pointed ,,downward ,,and ,,conveys ,,it ,,to ,,his ,,mouth ,,with ,,his ,,left ,,hand4 ,,he ,,must ,,learn ,,to ,,cut ,,off ,,and ,,eat ,,one ,,mouthful ,,at ,a ,,time4 ,page #egd4 ,illustration3 ,,when ,,no ,,knife ,,is ,,being ,,used1 ,,the ,,fork ,,is ,,held ,,in ,,the ,,right ,,hand1 ,,whether ,,used ',,prongs ,,down' ,,to ,,impale ,,the ,,meat1 ,,or ',,prongs ,,up' ,,to ,,lift ,,vegetables4 ,page #ege4 ,illustration3 ,,bread ,,should ,,always ,,be ,,broken ,,into ,,small ,,pieces ,,with ,,the ,,fingers ,,before ,,being ,,buttered4 ,page #ehc4 ,illustration3 ,,when ,,he ,,has ,,finished ,,eating1 ,,the ,,child ,,should ,,lay ,,his ,,knife ,,and ,,fork ,,close ,,together1 ,,side ,,by ,,side1 ,,with ,,handles ,,toward ,,the ,,right ,,side ,,of ,,his ,,plate4444 ,page #ege4 ,,the ,,fork ,,and ,,knife ,,together ,in being taught to use his knife1 the child should at first cut only something very easy1 such as a slice of chicken2 he should not attempt anything with bones or gristle1 or anything that is tough4 ,in his left hand is put his fork with the prongs downward1 held near the top of the handle4 ,his index finger is placed on the shank so that it points to the prongs1 and is supported at the side by his thumb4 ,his other fingers close underneath and hold the handle tight4 ,he must never be allowed to hold his fork emigrant fashion1 perpendicularly clutched in the clenched fist1 and to saw across the food at its base with his knife4 ,,the ,,knife ,the knife is held in his right hand exactly as the fork is held in his left1 firmly and at the end of the handle1 with the index finger pointing down the back of the blade4 ,in cutting he should learn not to scrape the back of the fork prongs with the cutting edge of the knife4 ,having cut off a mouthful1 he thrusts the fork through it1 with prongs pointed downward and conveys it to his mouth with his left hand4 ,he must learn to cut off and eat one mouthful at a time4 ,it is unnecessary to add that the knife must never be put in his mouth2 nor is it good form to use the knife unnecessarily4 ,soft foods1 like croquettes1 hash on toast1 all eggs and vegetables1 should be cut or merely broken apart with the edge of the fork held like the knife1 after which the fork is turned in the hand to first 7or shovel7 position4 ,the knife must never be used to scoop baked potato out of the skin1 or to butter potato4 ,a fork must be used for all manipulations of vegetables2 butter for baked potatoes taken on the tip of the fork shovel fashion1 laid on the potato1 and then pressed down and mixed with the prongs held points curved up4 ,when no knife is being used1 the fork is held in the right hand1 whether used prongs down to impale the meat or prongs up to lift vegetables4 ,to pile mashed potato and other vegetables on the convex side of the fork on top of the meat for two or more inches of its length1 is a disgusting habit dear to school boys1 and one that is more easily prevented than corrected4 ,in fact1 taking a big mouthful 7next to smearing his face and chewing with mouth open7 is the worst offense at table4 ,when he has finished eating1 he should lay his knife and fork close together1 side by side1 with handles toward the right side of his plate1 the handles projecting an inch or two beyond the rim of the plate4 ,they must be placed far enough on the plate so that there is no danger of their over-balancing on to the table or floor when removed at the end of the course4 ,,other ,,table ,,matters ,the distance from the table at which it is best to sit1 is a matter of personal comfort4 ,a child should not be allowed to be so close that his elbows are bent like a grasshopper's1 nor so far back that food is apt to be spilled in transit from plate to mouth4 ,children like to drink very long and rapidly1 all in one breath1 until they are pink around the eyes1 and are literally gasping4 ,they also love to put their whole hands in their finger-bowls and wiggle their fingers4 ,a baby of two1 or at least by the time he is three1 should be taught to dip the tips of his fingers in the finger-bowl1 without playing1 draw the fingers of the right hand across his mouth1 and then wipe his lips and fingers on the apron of his bib4 ,no small child can be expected to use a napkin instead of a bib4 ,no matter how nicely behaved he may be1 there is always danger of his spilling something1 some time4 ,soft boiled egg is hideously difficult to eat without ever getting a drop of it down the front1 and it is much easier to supply him with a clean bib for the next meal than to change his dress for the next moment4 ,very little children usually have hot water plates that are specially made like a double plate with hot water space between1 on which the meat is cut up and the vegetables fixed in the pantry1 and brought to the children before other people at the table are served4 ,not only because it is hard for them to be made to wait1 and have their attention attracted by food not for them1 but because they take so long to eat4 ,as soon as they are old enough to eat everything on the table1 they are served1 not last1 but in the regular rotation at table in which they come4 ,,table ,,tricks ,,that ,,must ,,be ,,corrected ,to sit up straight and keep their hands in their laps when not occupied with eating1 is very hard for a child1 but should be insisted upon in order to prevent a careless attitude that all too readily degenerates into flopping this way and that1 and into fingering whatever is in reach4 ,he must not be allowed to warm his hands on his plate1 or drum on the table1 or screw his napkin into a rope or make marks on the tablecloth4 ,if he shows talent as an artist1 give him pencils or modeling wax in his playroom1 but do not let him bite his slice of bread into the silhouette of an animal1 or model figures in soft bread at the table4 ,and do not allow him to construct a tent out of two forks1 or an automobile chassis out of tumblers and knives4 ,food and table implements are not playthings1 nor is the dining-room a playground4 ,,talking ,,at ,,table ,when older people are present at table and a child wants to say something1 he must be taught to stop eating momentarily and look at his mother1 who at the first pause in the conversation will say1 ,what is it1 dear8 ,and the child then has his say4 ,if he wants merely to launch forth on a long subject of his own conversation1 his mother says1 ,not now1 darling1 we will talk about that by and by1 or ,don't you see that mother is talking to ,aunt ,mary8 ,when children are at table alone with their mother1 they should not only be allowed to talk but unconsciously trained in table conversation as well as in table manners4 ,children are all more or less little monkeys in that they imitate everything they see4 ,if their mother treats them exactly as she does her visitors they in turn play visitor to perfection4 ,nothing hurts the feelings of children more than not being allowed to behave like grown persons when they think they are able4 ,to be helped1 to be fed1 to have their food cut up1 all have a stultifying effect upon their development as soon as they have become expert enough to attempt these services for themselves4 ,children should be taught from the time they are little not to talk about what they like and don't like4 ,a child who is not allowed to say anything but ,no1 thank you1 at home1 will not mortify his mother in public by screaming1 ,i hate steak1 ,i won't eat potato1 ,i want ice cream6 ,,quietness ,,at ,,table ,older children should not be allowed to jerk out their chairs1 to flop down sideways1 to flick their napkins by one corner1 to reach out for something1 or begin to eat nuts1 fruit or other table decorations4 ,a child as well as a grown person should sit down quietly in the center of his chair and draw it up to the table 7if there is no one to push it in for him7 by holding the seat in either hand while momentarily lifting himself on his feet4 ,he must not jump or rock his chair into place at the table4 ,in getting up from the table1 again he must push his chair back quietly1 using his hands on either side of the chair seat1 and not by holding on to the table edge and giving himself1 chair and all1 a sudden shove6 ,there should never be a sound made by the pushing in or out of chairs at table4 ,,the ,,spoiled ,,child ,the bad manners of ,american children1 which unfortunately are supposed by foreigners to be typical1 are nearly always the result of their being given star parts by over-fond but equally over-foolish mothers4 ,it is only necessary to bring to mind the most irritating and objectionable child one knows1 and the chances are that its mother continually throws the spotlight on it by talking to it1 and about it1 and by calling attention to its looks or its cunning ways or even1 possibly1 its naughtiness4 ,it is humanly natural to make a fuss over little children1 particularly if they are pretty1 and it takes quite super-human control for a young mother not to show off her treasure1 but to say instead1 ,please do not pay any attention to her4 ,some children1 who are especially free from self-consciousness1 stand stardom better than others who are more readily spoiled2 but in nine cases out of ten1 the old-fashioned method that assigned children to inconspicuous places in the background and decreed they might be seen but not heard1 produced men and women of far greater charm than the modern method of encouraging public self-expression from infancy upward4 ,,chief ,,virtue3 ,,obedience ,no young human being1 any more than a young dog1 has the least claim to attractiveness unless it is trained to manners and obedience4 ,the child that whines1 interrupts1 fusses1 fidgets1 and does nothing that it is told to do1 has not the least power of attraction for any one1 even though it may have the features of an angel and be dressed like a picture4 ,another that may have no claim to beauty whatever1 but that is sweet and nicely behaved1 exerts charm over every one4 ,when possible1 a child should be taken away the instant it becomes disobedient4 ,it soon learns that it can not stay with mother unless it is well-behaved4 ,this means that it learns self-control in babyhood4 ,not only must children obey1 but they must never be allowed to show off or become pert1 or to contradict or to answer back2 and after having been told no1 they must never be allowed by persistent nagging to win yes4 ,a child that loses its temper1 that teases1 that is petulant and disobedient1 and a nuisance to everybody1 is merely a victim1 poor little thing1 of parents who have been too incompetent or negligent to train it to obedience4 ,moreover1 that same child when grown will be the first to resent and blame the mother's mistaken spoiling and lack of good sense4 ,,fair ,,play ,nothing appeals to children more than justice1 and they should be taught in the nursery to play fair in games1 to respect each other's property and rights1 to give credit to others1 and not to take too much credit to themselves4 ,every child must be taught never to draw attention to the meagre possessions of another child whose parents are not as well off as her own4 ,a purse-proud1 overbearing child who says to a playmate1 ,my clothes were all made in ,paris1 and my doll is ever so much handsomer than yours1 or ,is that real lace on your collar8 is not impressing her young friend with her grandeur and discrimination but with her disagreeableness and rudeness4 ,a boy who brags about what he has1 and boasts of what he can do1 is only less objectionable because other boys are sure to take it out of him promptly and thoroughly6 ,nor should a bright1 observing child be encouraged to pick out other people's failings1 or to tell her mother how inferior other children are compared with herself4 ,if she wins a race or a medal or is praised1 she naturally tells her mother1 and her mother naturally rejoices with her1 and it is proper that she should2 but a wise mother directs her child's mental attitude to appreciate the fact that arrogance1 selfishness and conceit can win no place worth having in the world4 ,,children ,,at ,,afternoon ,,tea ,a custom in many fashionable houses is to allow children as soon as they are old enough1 to come into the drawing-room or library at tea-time1 as nothing gives them a better opportunity to learn how to behave in company4 ,little boys are always taught to bow to visitors2 little girls to curtsy4 ,small boys are taught to place the individual tables1 hand plates and tea1 and pass sandwiches and cakes4 ,if there are no boys1 girls perform this office2 very often they both do4 ,when everybody has been helped1 the children are perhaps allowed a piece of cake1 which they put on a tea-plate1 and sit down1 and eat nicely4 ,but as the tea-hour is very near their supper time1 they are often allowed nothing1 and after making themselves useful1 go out of the room again4 ,if many people are present and the children are not spoken to1 they leave the room unobtrusively and quietly4 ,if only one or two are present1 especially those whom the children know well1 they shake hands1 and say ,good-by1 and walk 7not run7 out of the room4 ,this is one of the ways in which well-bred people become used from childhood to instinctive good manners4 ,unless they are spoken to1 they would not think of speaking or making themselves noticed in any way4 ,very little children who have not reached the age of discretion1 which may be placed at about five1 possibly not until six1 usually go in the drawing-room at tea-time only when near relatives or intimate friends of the family are there4 ,needless to say that they are always washed and dressed4 ,some children wear special afternoon clothes1 but usually the clean clothes put on at tea-time go on again the next morning1 except the thin socks and house slippers which are reserved for the evening hour of their day4 ,,children',s ,,parties ,a small girl 7or boy7 giving a party should receive with her mother at the door and greet all her friends as they come in4 ,if it is her birthday and other children bring her gifts1 she must say ,thank you politely4 ,on no account must she be allowed to tell a child ,i hate dolls1 if a friend has brought her one4 ,she must learn at an early age that as hostess she must think of her guests rather than herself1 and not want the best toys in the grab-bag or scream because another child gets the prize that is offered in a contest4 ,if beaten in a game1 a little girl1 no less than her brothers1 must never cry1 or complain that the contest is not fair when she loses4 ,she must try to help her guests have a good time1 and not insist on playing the game she likes instead of those which the other children suggest4 ,when she herself goes to a party1 she must say1 ,how do you do1 when she enters the room1 and curtsy to the lady who receives4 ,a boy makes a bow4 ,they should have equally good manners as when at home1 and not try to grab more than their share of favors or toys4 ,when it is time to go home1 they must say1 ,good-by1 ,i had a very good time1 or1 ,good-by1 thank you ever so much4 ,,the ,,child',s ,,reply ,if the hostess says1 ,good-by1 give my love to your mother6 the child answers1 ,yes1 ,mrs4 ,smith4 ,in all monosyllabic replies a child must not say ,yes or ,no or ,what8 ,a boy in answering a gentleman still uses the old-fashioned ,yes1 sir1 ,no1 sir1 ,i think so1 sir1 but ma'am has gone out of style4 ,both boys and girls must therefore answer1 ,no1 ,mrs4 ,smith1 ,yes1 ,miss ,jones4 ,a girl says ,yes1 ,mr4 ,smith1 rather than sir4 ,all children should say1 ,what did you say1 mother8 ,no1 father1 ,thank you1 ,aunt ,kate1 ,yes1 ,uncle ,fred1 etc4 ,they need not insert a name in a long sentence nor with please1 or thank you4 ,yes1 please1 or ,no1 thank you1 is quite sufficient4 ,or in answering1 ,i just saw ,mary down in the garden1 it is not necessary to add ,mrs4 ,smith at the end4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,grown ,,children ,etiquette for grown children is precisely the same as for grown persons1 excepting that in many ways the manners exacted of young people should be more alert and punctilious4 ,young girls 7and boys of course7 should have the manners of a gentleman rather than those of a lady2 in that a gentleman always rises1 relinquishes the best seat and walks last into a room1 whereas these courtesies are shown to1 and not observed by ladies 7except to other ladies older than themselves74 ,in giving parties1 young girls send out their invitations as their mothers do1 and their deportment is the same as that of their dbutante sister4 ,boys behave as their fathers do1 and are equally punctilious in following the code of honor of all gentlemen4 ,the only details1 therefore1 not likely to be described in other chapters of this book1 are a few admonitions on table manners1 that are somewhat above kindergarten grade4 ,,the ,,graduating ,,tests ,,in ,,table ,,manners ,a young person may be supposed to have graduated from the school of table etiquette when she1 or he1 would be able to sit at a formal lunch or dinner table and find no difficulty in eating properly any of the comestibles which are supposed to be hurdles to the inexpert4 ,,corn ,,on ,,the ,,cob ,corn on the cob could be eliminated so far as ever having to eat it in formal company is concerned1 since it is never served at a luncheon or a dinner2 but1 if you insist on eating it at home or in a restaurant1 to attack it with as little ferocity as possible1 is perhaps the only direction to be given1 since at best it is an ungraceful performance and to eat it greedily a horrible sight6 ,,asparagus ,although asparagus may be taken in the fingers1 don't take a long drooping stalk1 hold it up in the air and catch the end of it in your mouth like a fish4 ,when the stalks are thin1 it is best to cut them in half with the fork1 eating the tips like all fork food2 the ends may then be taken in the fingers and eaten without a dropping fountain effect6 ,don't squeeze the stalks1 or hold your hand below the end and let the juice run down your arm4 ,,artichokes ,artichokes are always eaten with the fingers2 a leaf at a time is pulled off and the edible end dipped in the sauce1 and then bitten off4 ,,bread ,,and ,,butter ,bread should always be broken into small pieces with the fingers before being eaten4 ,if it is to be buttered 7at lunch1 breakfast or supper1 but not at dinner7 a piece is held on the edge of the bread and butter plate1 or the place plate1 and enough butter spread on it for a mouthful or two at a time1 with a small silver butter knife4 ,bread must never be held flat on the palm of the hand and buttered in the air4 ,if the regular steel knife is used1 care must be taken not to smear food from the knife's side on the butter4 ,any food that is smeared about is loathsome4 ,people who have beautiful table manners always keep their places at table neat4 ,people with disgusting manners get everything in a horrible mess4 ,,the ,,management ,,of ,,bones ,,and ,,pits ,terrapin bones1 fish bones and grape seed must be eaten quite bare and clean in the mouth1 and removed one at a time between finger and thumb4 ,all spitting out of bones and pits into the plate is disgusting4 ,if food is too hot1 quickly take a swallow of water4 ,on no account spit it out6 ,if food has been taken into your mouth1 no matter how you hate it1 you have got to swallow it4 ,it is unforgivable to take anything out of your mouth that has been put in it1 except dry bones1 and stones4 ,to spit anything whatever into the corner of your napkin1 is too nauseating to comment on4 ,it is horrid to see any one spit skins or pits on a fork or into the plate4 ,the only way to take anything out of your mouth is between first-finger and thumb4 ,dry grape seeds or cherry pits can be dropped from the lips into the cupped hand4 ,peaches or other very juicy fruits are peeled and then eaten with knife and fork1 but dry fruits1 such as apples1 may be cut and then eaten in the fingers4 ,never wipe hands that have fruit juice on them on a napkin without first using a finger bowl1 because fruit juices make indelible stains4 ,,birds ,birds are not eaten with the fingers in company6 ,you cut off as much of the meat as you can1 and leave the rest on your plate4 ,,forks ,,or ,,fingers ,all juicy or gooey fruits or cakes are best eaten with a fork1 but in most cases it is a matter of dexterity4 ,if you are able to eat a peach in your fingers and not smear your face1 let juice run down1 or make a sucking noise1 you are the one in a thousand who may1 and with utmost propriety1 continue the feat4 ,if you can eat a napoleon or a cream puff and not let the cream ooze out on the far side1 you need not use a fork1 but if you can not eat something--no matter what it is--without getting it all over your fingers1 you must use a fork1 and if necessary1 a knife also6 ,all rules of table manners are made to avoid ugliness2 to let any one see what you have in your mouth is repulsive2 to make a noise is to suggest an animal2 to make a mess is disgusting4 ,on the other hand1 there are a number of trifling decrees of etiquette that are merely finical1 unreasonable1 and silly4 ,why one should not cut one's salad in small pieces if one wants to1 makes little sense1 unless one wants to cut up a whole plateful and make the plate messy6 ,a steel knife must not be used for salad or fruit1 because it turns black4 ,to condemn the ,american custom of eating a soft-boiled egg in a glass1 or cup1 because it happens to be the ,english fashion to scoop it through the ragged edge of the shell1 is about as reasonable as though we were to proclaim ,english manners bad because they tag a breakfast dish1 called a savory of fish-roe or something equally inappropriate1 after the dessert at dinner4 ,many other arbitrary rules for eating food with fork1 spoon or fingers1 are also stumbling-blocks rather than aids to smoothness4 ,as said above1 one eats with a fork or spoon finger-foods that are messy and sticky2 one eats with the finger those which are dry4 ,it is true that one should not eat ,french fried potatoes or ,saratoga chips in fingers1 but that is because they belong to the meat course4 ,separate vegetable saucers are never put on a fashionable table1 neither is butter allowed at dinner4 ,therefore both must be avoided in company1 because company is formal1 and etiquette is first aid always to formality4 ,but if a man in his own house likes butter with his dinner or a saucer for his tomatoes1 he is breaking the rule of fashion to have them1 but he is scarcely committing an offense6 ,in the same way1 if he likes to eat a chicken wing or a squab leg in his fingers he can ask for a finger-bowl4 ,the real objection to eating with the fingers is getting them greasy or sticky1 and to suck them or smear one's napkin is equally unsightly4 ,,on ,,the ,,subject ,,of ,,elbows ,although elbows on the table are seen constantly in highest fashionable circles1 a whole table's length of elbows planted like clothes-line poles and hands waving glasses or forks about in between1 is neither an attractive nor 7fortunately7 an accurate picture of a fashionable dinner table4 ,as a matter of fact1 the tolerated elbow-on-table is used only on occasion and for a reason1 and should neither be permitted to children nor practised in their presence4 ,elbows are universally seen on tables in restaurants1 especially when people are lunching or dining at a small table of two or four1 and it is impossible to make oneself heard above the music by one's table companions1 and at the same time not be heard at other tables nearby1 without leaning far forward4 ,and in leaning forward1 a woman's figure makes a more graceful outline supported on her elbows than doubled forward over her hands in her lap as though in pain6 ,at home1 when there is no reason for leaning across the table1 there is no reason for elbows4 ,and at a dinner of ceremony1 elbows on the table are rarely seen1 except at the ends of the table1 where again one has to lean forward in order to talk to a companion at a distance across the table corner4 ,elbows are never put on the table while one is eating4 ,to sit with the left elbow propped on the table while eating with the right hand 7unless one is alone and ill71 or to prop the right one on the table while lifting the fork or glass to the mouth1 must be avoided4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvi ,,every-,,day ,,manners ,,at ,,home ,just as no chain is stronger than its weakest link1 no manners can be expected to stand a strain beyond their daily test at home4 ,those who are used to losing their temper in the bosom of their family will sooner or later lose it in public4 ,families which exert neither courtesy nor charm when alone1 can no more deceive other people into believing that either attribute belongs to them than they could hope to make painted faces look like real complexions4 ,a mother should exact precisely the same behavior at home and every day1 that she would like her children to display in public1 and she herself1 if she expects them to take good manners seriously1 must show the same manners to them alone that she shows to company4 ,a really charming woman exerts her charm nowhere more than upon her husband and children1 and a noble nature through daily though unconscious example is of course the greatest influence for good that there is in the world4 ,no preacher1 no matter how saint-like his precept or golden his voice1 can equal the home influence of admirable parents4 ,it is not merely in such matters as getting up when their mother or other older relatives enter a room1 answering civilly and having good table manners1 but in forming habits of admirable living and thinking that a parent's example makes or mars4 ,if children see temper uncontrolled1 hear gossip1 uncharitableness and suspicion of neighbors1 witness arrogant sharp-dealing or lax honor1 their own characters can scarcely escape perversion4 ,in the same way others can not easily fail to be thoroughbred who have never seen or heard their parents do or say an ignoble thing4 ,no child will ever accept a maxim that is preached but not followed by the preacher4 ,it is a waste of breath for the father to order his ,sons to keep their temper1 to behave like gentlemen1 or to be good sportsmen1 if he does or is himself none of these things4 ,in the present day of rush and hurry1 there is little time for home example4 ,to the over-busy or gaily fashionable1 home might as well be a railroad station1 and members of a family passengers who see each other only for a few hurried minutes before taking trains in opposite directions4 ,the days are gone when the family sat in the evening around the fire1 or a table with a lamp1 when it was customary to read aloud or to talk4 ,few people talk well in these days2 fewer read aloud1 and fewer still endure listening to any book literally word by word4 ,railroad station reading is as much in vogue as railroad station bolting of meals4 ,magazines--picture ones--are all that the hurried have time for1 and even those who profess to love reading dart tourist-fashion from page to page only pausing at attractive paragraphs2 and family relationships are followed somewhat in the same way4 ,any number of busy men scarcely know their children at all1 and have not even stopped to realize that they seldom or never talk to them1 never exert themselves to be sympathetic with them1 or in the slightest degree to influence them4 ,to growl mornin'1 or ,don't1 ,johnny1 or ,be quiet1 ,alice6 is very1 very far from being an influence on your children's morals1 minds or manners4 ,,home ,,education ,a ,supreme ,court ,justice whose education had been cut short in his youth by the ,civil ,war1 when asked how1 under the circumstances1 his scholastic attainments had been acquired1 answered3 ,my father believed it was the duty of every gentleman to bequeath the wealth of his intellect1 no less than that of his pocket1 to his children4 ,wealth might be acquired by 'luck1' but proper cultivation was the birthright of every child born of cultivated parents4 ,we learned ,latin and ,greek by having him talk and read them to us4 ,he wrote doggerel rhymes of history which took the place of ,mother ,goose4 ,he also told us 'bed-time stories' of history1 and read classics to us after supper4 ,when there was company1 we were brought down from the nursery so that we might profit by the conversation of our betters4 ,volumes full of manners acquired after they are grown are not worth half so much as the simplest precepts acquired through lifelong habits and through having known nothing else4 ,,the ,,old ,,gray ,,wrapper ,,habit ,how many times has one heard some one say3 ,i won't dress for dinner--no one is coming in4 ,or1 ,that old dress will do6 ,old clothes6 ,no manners6 ,and what is the result8 ,one wife more wonders why her husband neglects her6 ,curious how the habit of careless manners and the habit of old clothes go together4 ,if you doubt it1 put the question to yourself3 ,who could possibly have the manners of a queen in a gray flannel wrapper8 ,and how many women really lovely and good--especially good--commit esthetic suicide by letting themselves slide down to where they feel natural in an old gray flannel wrapper1 not only actually but mentally4 ,the woman of charm in company is the woman of fastidiousness at home2 she who dresses for her children and prinks for her husband's home-coming1 is sure to greet them with greater charm than she who thinks whatever she happens to have on is good enough4 ,any old thing good enough for those she loves most6 ,think of it6 ,a certain very lovely lady whose husband is quite as much her lover as in the days of his courtship1 has never in twenty years allowed him to watch the progress of her toilet1 because of her determination never to let him see her except at her prettiest4 ,needless to say1 he never meets anything but prettiest manners either4 ,no matter how out of sorts she may be feeling1 his key in the door is a signal for her to put aside everything that is annoying or depressing1 with the result that wild horses couldn't drag his attention from her--all because neither she nor he has ever slumped into the gray flannel wrapper habit4 ,so many people save up all their troubles to pour on the one they most love1 the idea being1 seemingly1 that no reserves are necessary between lovers4 ,nor need there be really4 ,but why1 when their house looks out upon a garden that has charming vistas1 must she insist on his looking into the clothes-yard and the ash-can8 ,she who complains incessantly that this is wrong1 or that hurts1 or any other thing worries or vexes her1 so that his inevitable answer to her greeting is1 ,i'm so sorry1 dear1 or ,that's too bad1 or ,poor darling1 it's a shame1 is getting mentally into a gray flannel wrapper6 ,if something is seriously wrong1 if she is really ill1 that is different4 ,but of the petty things that are only remembered in order to be told to gain sympathy--beware6 ,there is a big deposit of sympathy in the bank of love1 but don't draw out little sums every hour or so--so that by and by1 when perhaps you need it badly1 it is all drawn out and you yourself don't know how or on what it was spent4 ,all that has been said to warn a wife from slovenly habits of mind or dress may be adapted to apply with equal force in suggesting a rule for husbands4 ,a man should always remember that a woman's regard for him is founded on her impressions when seeing him at his best4 ,even granting that she has no great illusions about men in general1 he at his best is at least an approximation to her ideal--and it is his chief duty never to fall below the standard he set for himself in making his most cogent appeal4 ,consequently he should continue through the years to be scrupulous about his personal appearance and his clothes1 remembering the adage that the most successful marriages are those in which both parties to the contract succeed in keeping up the illusion4 ,it is of importance also that he refrain from burdening his wife with the cares and worries of his business day4 ,many writers insist that the wife should be ready to receive a complete consignment of all his troubles when the husband comes home at the end of the day4 ,it is a sounder practise for him to save her as much as possible from the trials of his business hours2 and1 incidentally1 it is the best kind of mental training for him to put all business cares behind him as he closes the door of his office and goes home4 ,when it is said that a husband should not fling all the day's trifling annoyances into the lap of his wife without reflecting that she may have some cares of her own1 there is no intention to indicate that a wife should not have a thorough understanding of her husband's affairs4 ,complete acquaintance and sympathy with his work is one of the foundation stones of the domestic edifice4 ,,the ,,family ,,at ,,table ,whether there is company or whether the family is alone1 the linen must be as spotless1 the silver as clean1 and the table as carefully set as though twenty were coming for dinner4 ,sloppy service is no more to be tolerated every day at home than at a dinner party1 and in so far as etiquette is concerned1 you should live in exactly the same way whether there is company or none4 ,company manners and every-day manners must be identical in service as well as family behavior4 ,you may not be able to afford quantities of flowers in your house and on your table1 or perhaps any1 but there is no excuse for wilted flowers or an empty vase that merely accentuates your table's flowerlessness4 ,there are plenty of table ornaments that need no flowers4 ,in the same way the compotiers can be filled with candies or conserves of the everlasting variety2 silver-foiled chocolates or nougat1 or gum drops or crystalized ginger or conserved fruits--will keep for months6 ,but the table must be decorated and a certain form observed at the dinner hour2 otherwise gray flannel wrapper habits become imminent4 ,letters1 newspapers1 books have no place at a dinner table4 ,reading at table is allowable at breakfast and when eating alone1 but a man and his wife should no more read at lunch or dinner before each other or their children than they should allow their children to read before them4 ,,the ,,table ,,not ,a ,,place ,,for ,,private ,,discussion ,one very bad habit in many families is the discussion of all of their most intimate affairs at table--entirely forgetting whoever may be waiting on it2 and nine times out of ten those serving in the dining-room see no harm 7if they feel like it7 in repeating what is said4 ,why should they8 ,it scarcely occurs to them that they were invisible and that what was openly talked about at the table was supposed to be a secret6 ,apart from the stupidity and imprudence of talking before witnesses1 it is bad form to discuss one's private affairs before any one4 ,and it should be unnecessary to add that a man and his wife who quarrel before their children or the servants1 deprive the former of good breeding through inheritance1 and publish to the latter that they do not belong to the better class through any qualification except the possession of a bank account4 ,furthermore1 parents must never disagree before the children4 ,it simply can't be6 ,nor can there be an appeal to one parent against the other by a child4 ,father told me to jump down the well6 ,then you must do it1 dear1 is the mother's only possible comment4 ,when the child has jumped down the well1 she may pull him out promptly1 and she may in private tell her husband what she thinks about his issuing such orders and stand her own ground against them2 but so long as parents are living under the same roofs that roof must shelter unity of opinion1 so far as any witnesses are concerned4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvii ,,traveling ,,at ,,home ,,and ,,abroad ,to do nothing that can either annoy or offend the sensibilities of others1 sums up the principal rules for conduct under all circumstances--whether staying at home or traveling4 ,but in order to do nothing that can annoy or give offense1 it is necessary for us to consider the point of view of those with whom we come in contact2 and in traveling abroad it is necessary to know something of foreign customs which affect the foreign point of view1 if we would be thought a cultivated and charming people instead of an uncivilized and objectionable one4 ,before going abroad1 however1 let us first take up the subject of travel at home4 ,since it is not likely that any one would go around the world being deliberately offensive to others1 it may be taken for granted that obnoxious behavior is either the fault of thoughtlessness or ignorance--and for the former there is no excuse4 ,,on ,a ,,railroad ,,train ,on a railroad train you should be careful not to assail the nostrils of fellow passengers with strong odors of any kind4 ,an odor that may seem to you refreshing1 may cause others who dislike it and are poor travelers to suffer really great distress4 ,there is a combination of banana and the leather smell of a valise containing food1 that is to many people an immediate emetic4 ,the smell of a banana or an orange1 is in fact to nearly all bad travelers the last straw4 ,in ,america where there are diners on every ,pullman train1 the food odors are seldom encountered in parlor cars1 but in ,europe where railroad carriages are small1 one fruit enthusiast can make his traveling companions more utterly wretched than perhaps he can imagine4 ,the cigar which is smoldering has1 on most women1 the same effect4 ,certain perfumes that are particularly heavy1 make others ill4 ,to at least half of an average trainful of people1 strong odors of one kind or another are disagreeable if not actually nauseating4 ,,children ,,on ,,trains ,people with children are most often the food-offenders4 ,any number not only let small children eat continuously so that the car is filled with food odors1 but occasional mothers have been known to let a child with smeary fingers clutch a nearby passenger by the dress or coat and seemingly think it cunning6 ,those who can afford it1 usually take the drawing-room and keep the children in it4 ,those who are to travel in seats should plan diversions for them ahead of time2 since it is unreasonable to expect little children to sit quietly for hours on end by merely telling them to be good4 ,two little girls on the train to ,washington the other day were crocheting doll's sweaters with balls of worsted in which were wound wrapped and disguised prizes4 ,the amount of wool covering each might take perhaps a half hour to use up4 ,they were allowed the prize only when the last strand of wool around it was used4 ,they were then occupied for a while with whatever it was--a little book1 or a puzzle1 or a game4 ,when they grew tired of its novelty1 they crocheted again until they came to the next prize4 ,in the end they had also new garments for their dolls4 ,,ladies ,,do ,,not ,,travel ,,with ,,escorts ,in a curiously nave book on etiquette appeared a chapter purporting to give advice to a lady traveling for an indefinite number of days with a gentleman escort6 ,that any lady could go traveling for days under the protection of a gentleman is at least a novelty in etiquette4 ,as said elsewhere1 in fashionable society an escort is unheard of1 and in decent society a lady doesn't go traveling around the country with a gentleman unless she is outside the pale of society1 in which case social convention1 at least1 is not concerned with her4 ,ladies are sometimes accompanied on short1 direct trips by gentlemen of their acquaintance1 but not for longer than a few hours4 ,if a lady traveling alone on a long journey1 such as a trip across the continent1 happens to find a gentleman on board whom she knows1 she must not allow him to sit with her in the dining-car more often than a casual once or twice1 nor must she allow him to sit with her or talk to her enough to give a possible impression that they are together4 ,in fact she would be more prudent to take her meals by herself1 as it is scarcely worth running the risk of other passengers' criticism for the sake of having companionship at a meal or two4 ,if1 on a short trip1 a gentleman asks a lady1 whom he knows1 to lunch with him in the dining-car1 there is no reason why she shouldn't4 ,,the ,,young ,,woman ,,traveling ,,alone ,in ,america1 a young woman can go across every one of our thousands upon thousands of railed miles without the slightest risk of a disagreeable occurrence if she is herself dignified and reserved4 ,she should be particularly careful if she is young and pretty not to allow strange men to scrape an acquaintance with her4 ,if a stranger happens to offer to open a window for her1 or get her a chair on the observation platform1 it does not give him the right to more than a civil thank you from her4 ,if1 in spite of etiquette1 she should on a long journey drift into conversation with an obviously well-behaved youth1 she should remember that talking with him at all is contrary to the proprieties1 and that she must be doubly careful to keep him at a formal distance4 ,there is little harm in talking of utterly impersonal subjects--but she should avoid giving him information that is personal4 ,every guardian should also warn a young girl that if1 when she alights at her destination1 her friends fail to meet her1 she should on no account accept a stranger's offer1 whether man or woman1 to drive her to her destination4 ,the safest thing to do is to walk4 ,if it is too far1 and there is no official taxicab agent belonging to the railroad company1 she should go to the ticket seller or some one wearing the railroad uniform and ask him to select a vehicle for her4 ,she should never--above all in a strange city where she does not even know her direction--take a taxi on the street4 ,,registering ,,in ,a ,,hotel ,a gentleman writes in the hotel register3 ,john ,smith1 ,new ,york4 ,under no circumstances ,mr4 or ,hon4 if he is alone4 ,but if his wife is with him1 the prefix to their joint names is correct3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,smith1 ,new ,york4 ,he never enters his street and house number4 ,neither ,john ,smith and ,wife nor ,john ,smith and ,family are good form4 ,if he does not like the ,mr4 before his name he can sign his own without1 on one line1 and then write ,mrs4 ,smith on the one below4 ,the whole family should be registered3 ,john ,t4 ,smith1 ,new ,york ,mrs4 ,smith1 and maid 7if she has brought one7 ,miss ,margaret ,smith1 ,john ,t4 ,smith1 ,jr41 ,baby and nurse1 ,or1 if the children are young1 he writes3 ,mr4 ,mrs4 ,john ,t4 ,smith1 ,new ,york1 #c children and nurse4 ,a lady never signs her name without ,miss or ,mrs4 in a hotel register3 ,miss ,abigail ,titherington is correct1 or ,mrs4 ,john ,smith1 never ,sarah ,smith4 ,,ladies ,,alone ,,in ,,american ,,hotels ,if you have never been in a hotel alone but you are of sufficient years1 well behaved and dignified in appearance1 you need have no fear as to the treatment you will receive4 ,but you should write to the hotel in advance--whether here or in ,europe4 ,in this country you register in the office and are shown to your room1 or rooms1 by a bell-boy--in some hotels by a bell-boy and a maid4 ,one piece of advice3 ,you will not get good service unless you tip generously4 ,if you do not care for elaborate meals1 that is nothing to your discredit2 but you should not go to an expensive hotel1 hold a table that would otherwise be occupied by others who might order a long dinner1 and expect your waiter to be contented with a tip of fifteen cents for your dollar supper6 ,the rule is ten per cent1 beginning with a meal costing about three or four dollars4 ,a quarter is the smallest possible tip in a first class hotel4 ,if your meal costs a quarter--you should give the waiter a quarter4 ,if it costs two dollars or more than two dollars1 you give thirty or thirty-five cents1 and ten per cent on a bigger amount4 ,in smaller hotels tips are less in proportion4 ,tipping is undoubtedly a bad system1 but it happens to be in force1 and that being the case1 travelers have to pay their share of it--if they like the way made smooth and comfortable4 ,a lady traveling alone with her maid 7or without one71 of necessity has her meals alone in her own sitting-room1 if she has one4 ,if she goes to the dining-room1 she usually takes a book because hotel service seems endless to one used to meals at home and nothing is duller than to sit long alone with nothing to do but look at the tablecloth1 which is scarcely diverting1 or at other people1 which is impolite4 ,,on ,,the ,,steamer ,in the days when our great-grandparents went to ,europe on a clipper ship carrying at most a score of voyagers and taking a month perhaps to make the crossing1 those who sat day after day together1 and evening after evening around the cabin lamp1 became necessarily friendly2 and in many instances not only for the duration of the voyage but for life4 ,more often than not1 those who had endured the rigors of the ,atlantic together1 joined forces in engaging the courier who was in those days indispensable1 and set out on their ,continental travels in company4 ,dashing to ,europe and back was scarcely to be imagined1 and travelers who had ventured such a distance1 stayed at least a year or more4 ,also in those slower days of crawling across the earth's surface by post-chaise and diligence and horseback1 travelers meeting in inns and elsewhere1 fell literally on each other's neck at the sound of an ,american accent6 ,and each retailed to the other his news of home2 to which was added the news of all whom they had encountered4 ,it is also from these traveling ancestors that families inherit their ,continental visiting lists4 ,friends they made in ,europe1 in turn gave letters of introduction to friends coming later to ,america4 ,and to them again their ,american hosts sent letters by later ,american friends4 ,but to-day when going to ,europe is of scarcely greater importance than going into another ,state1 and when the passenger list numbers hundreds1 making friends with strangers is the last thing the great-grandchildren of those earlier travelers would think of4 ,it may be pretty accurately said that the faster and bigger the ship1 the less likely one is to speak to strangers1 and yet--as always--circumstances alter cases4 ,because the ,worldlys1 the ,oldnames1 the ,eminents1--all those who are innately exclusive--never pick up acquaintances on shipboard1 it does not follow that no fashionable and well-born people ever drift into acquaintanceship on ,european-,american steamers of to-day--but they are at least not apt to do so4 ,many in fact take the ocean-crossing as a rest-cure and stay in their cabins the whole voyage4 ,the ,worldlys always have their meals served in their own drawing-room and have their deck chairs placed so that no one is very near them1 and keep to themselves except when they invite friends of their own to play bridge or take dinner or lunch with them4 ,but because the ,worldlys and the ,eminents--and the ,snobsnifts who copy them--stay in their cabins1 sit in segregated chairs and speak to no one except the handful of their personal friends or acquaintances who happen to be on board1 it does not follow that the ,smiths1 ,joneses and ,robinsons are not enlarging their acquaintance with every revolution of the screws4 ,and if you happen to like to be talked to by strangers1 and if they in turn like to talk to you1 it can not be said that there is any rule of etiquette against it4 ,,dining ,,saloon ,,etiquette ,very fashionable people as a rule travel a great deal1 which means that they are known very well to the head steward1 who reserves a table1 or they engage a table for themselves when they get their tickets4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,gilding for instance1 if they know that friends of theirs are sailing on the same steamer1 ask them to sit at their table and ask for a sufficiently large table on purpose4 ,or if they are traveling alone1 they arrange to have one of the small tables for two1 to themselves4 ,people of wide acquaintance in big cities are sure to find friends on board with whom they can arrange1 if they choose1 to sit on deck or in the dining saloon1 but most people1 unless really intimate friends are on board1 sit wherever the head steward puts them4 ,after a meal or two people always speak to those sitting next to them4 ,none but the rudest snobs would sit through meal after meal without ever addressing a word to their table companions4 ,well-bred people are always courteous1 but that does not mean that they establish friendships with any strangers who happen to be placed next to them4 ,in crossing the ,pacific1 people are more generally friendly because the voyage is so much longer1 and on the other long voyages1 such as those to ,india and ,south ,africa1 the entire ship's company become almost as intimate as in the old clipper days4 ,,the ,,tactics ,,of ,,the ,,climber ,there are certain constant travelers who1 it is said1 count on a ,european voyage to increase their social acquaintance by just so much each trip6 ,richan ,vulgar1 for instance1 has his same especial table every time he crosses1 which is four times a year6 ,walking through a steamer train he sees a celebrity1 a brilliant1 let us say1 but unworldly man4 ,vulgar annexes him by saying1 casually1 ,have you a seat at table8 ,better sit with me1 ,i always have the table by the door2 it is easy to get in and out4 ,the celebrity accepts1 since there is no evidence that he is to be featured1 and the chances are that he remains unconscious to the end of time that he served as a decoy4 ,boarding the steamer1 ,vulgar sees the ,lovejoys1 and pounces3 ,you must sit at my table6 ,celebrity and ,i are crossing together--he is the most delightful man6 ,i want you to sit next to him4 ,they think ,celebrity sounds very interesting2 so1 not having engaged a table for themselves1 they say they will be delighted4 ,on the deck1 the ,smartlys appear and ask the ,lovejoys to sit with them4 ,vulgar1 who is standing by 7he is always standing by7 breaks in even without an introduction and says3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,lovejoy and ,celebrity are sitting at my table1 won't you sit with me also8 ,if the ,smartlys protest they have a table1 he is generally insistent and momentarily overpowering enough to make them join forces with him4 ,as the ,smartlys particularly want to sit next to the ,lovejoys and also like the idea of meeting ,celebrity1 it ends in ,vulgar's table being a collection of fashionables whom he could not possibly have gotten together without just such a maneuver4 ,the question of what he gets out of it is puzzling since with each hour the really well-bred people dislike him more and more intensely1 and at the end of a day or so1 his table's company are all eating on deck to avoid him4 ,perhaps there is some recompense that does not appear on the surface1 but to the casual observer the satisfaction of telling others that the ,smartlys1 ,lovejoys and ,wellborns sat at his table would scarcely seem worth the effort4 ,,those ,,acquisitive ,,of ,,acquaintance ,there is another type of steamer passenger and hotel guest who may1 or may not1 be a climber4 ,this one searches out potential acquaintances on the passenger list and hotel register with the avidity of a bird searching for worms4 ,you have scarcely found your own stateroom and had your deck chair placed1 when one of them swoops upon you3 ,i don't know whether you remember me8 ,i met you in nineteen two1 at ,countess della ,robbia's in ,florence4 ,your memory being woefully incomplete1 there is nothing for you to say except1 ,how do you do6 ,if a few minutes of conversation1 which should be sufficient1 proves her to be a lady1 you talk to her now and again throughout the voyage1 and may end by liking her very much4 ,if1 however1 her speech breaks into expressions which prove her not a lady1 you become engrossed in your book or conversation with another when she approaches4 ,often these over-friendly people are grasping1 calculating and objectionable1 but sometimes like ,ricki ,ticki ,tavi they are merely obsessed with a mania to run about and see what is going on in the world4 ,for instance1 ,miss ,spinster is one of the best-bred1 best-informed1 most charming ladies imaginable4 ,but her mania for people cannot fail on occasions to put her in a position to be snubbed--never seriously because she is too obviously a lady for that4 ,but to see her trotting along the deck and then darting upon a helpless reclining figure1 is at least an illustration of the way some people make friends4 ,it can't be done1 of course1 unless you have once known the person you are addressing1 or unless you have a friend in common who1 though absent1 can serve in making the introduction4 ,as said in ,introductions1 introducing oneself is often perfectly correct4 ,if you1 sharing ,miss ,spinster's love of people1 find yourself on a steamer with the intimate friend of a member of your family1 you may very properly go up and say1 ,i am going to speak to you because ,i am ,celia ,lovejoy's cousin--,i am ,mrs4 ,brown4 ,and ,mrs4 ,norman1 who very much likes ,celia ,lovejoy1 says cordially1 ,i am so glad you spoke to me1 do sit down1 won't you8 ,but to have your next chair neighbor on deck insist on talking to you1 if you don't want to be talked to1 is very annoying1 and it is bad form for her to do so4 ,if you are sitting hour after hour doing nothing but idly looking in front of you1 your neighbor might address a few remarks to you1 and if you receive them with any degree of enthusiasm1 your response may be translated into a willingness to talk4 ,but if you answer in the merest monosyllables1 it should be taken to mean that you prefer to be left to your own diversions4 ,even if you are agreeable1 your neighbor should show tact in not speaking to you when you are reading or writing1 or show no inclination for conversation4 ,the point is really that no one must do anything to interfere with the enjoyment of another4 ,whoever is making the advance1 whether your neighbor or yourself1 it must never be more than tentative2 if not at least met halfway1 it must be withdrawn at once4 ,that is really the only rule there is4 ,it should merely be granted that those who do not care to meet others have just as much right to their seclusion as those who delight in others have a right to be delighted--as long as that delight is unmistakably mutual4 ,,steamer ,,tips ,each ordinary first class passenger1 now as always1 gives ten shillings 7#b4ej7 to the room steward or stewardess1 ten shillings to the dining-room steward1 ten shillings to the deck steward1 ten shillings to the lounge steward4 ,your tip to the head steward and to one of the chefs depends on whether they have done anything especial for you4 ,if not1 you do not tip them4 ,if you are a bad sailor and have been taking your meals in your room1 you give twenty shillings 7#e4jj7 at least to the stewardess 7or steward1 if you are a man74 ,or if you have eaten your meals on deck1 you give twenty shillings to the deck steward1 and ten to his assistant1 and you give five to the bath steward4 ,to any steward who takes pains to please you1 you show by your manner in thanking him that you appreciate his efforts1 as well as by giving him a somewhat more generous tip when you leave the ship4 ,if you like your bath at a certain hour1 you would do well to ask your bath steward for it as soon as you go on board 7unless you have a private bath of your own71 since the last persons to speak get the inconvenient hours--naturally4 ,to many the daily salt bath is the most delightful feature of the trip4 ,the water is always wonderfully clear and the towels are heated4 ,if you have been ill on the voyage1 some ship's doctors send in a bill2 others do not4 ,in the latter case you are not actually obliged to give them anything1 but the generously inclined put the amount of an average fee in an envelope and leave it for the doctor at the purser's office4 ,,dress ,,on ,,the ,,steamer ,on the de luxe steamers nearly every one dresses for dinner2 some actually in ball dresses1 which is in worst possible taste1 and1 like all over-dressing in public places1 indicates that they have no other place to show their finery4 ,people of position never put on formal evening dress on a steamer1 not even in the la carte restaurant1 which is a feature of the de luxe steamer of size4 ,in the dining saloon they wear afternoon house dresses--without hats--for dinner4 ,in the restaurant they wear semi-dinner dresses4 ,some smart men on the ordinary steamers put on a dark sack suit for dinner after wearing country clothes all day1 but in the de luxe restaurant they wear ,tuxedo coats4 ,no gentleman wears a tail-coat on shipboard under any circumstances whatsoever4 ,,traveling ,,abroad ,just as one discordant note makes more impression than all the others that are correctly played in an entire symphony1 so does a discordant incident stand out and dominate a hundred others that are above criticism1 and therefore unnoticed4 ,in every country of ,europe and ,asia are ,americans who combine the brilliancy which none can deny is the birthright of the newer world1 with the cultivation and good breeding of the old4 ,these ,americans of the best type go all over the world1 fitting in so perfectly with their background that not even the inhabitants notice they are strangers2 in other words they achieve the highest accomplishment possible4 ,but in contrast to these1 the numberless discordant ones are only too familiar2 one sees them swarming over ,europe in bunches1 sometimes in hordes1 on regular professionally run tours4 ,this1 of course1 does not mean that all personally conducted tourists are anything like them4 ,the objectionables are loud of voice1 loud in manner2 they always attract as much attention as possible to themselves1 and wave ,american flags on all occasions4 ,the ,american flag is the most wonderful emblem in the whole world1 and ours is the most glorious country too1 but that does not mean that it is good taste to wave our flag for no reason whatever4 ,at a parade or on an especial day when other people are waving flags1 then let us wave ours by all means--but not otherwise4 ,it does not dignify our flag to make it an object of ridicule to others1 and that is exactly the result of the ceaseless flaunting of it by a group of people who talk at the top of their voices1 who deliberately assume that the atmosphere belongs to them1 and who behave like noisy1 untrained savages trying to show off4 ,in hotels1 on excursions1 steamers and trains1 they insist on talking to everyone1 whether everyone wants to talk or not4 ,they are all over the place--there is no other way to express it--and they allow privacy to no one if they can help it4 ,numberless cultivated ,americans traveling in ,europe never by any chance speak ,english or carry ,english books on railroad trains1 as a protection against the other type of ,american who allows no one to travel in the same compartment and escape conversation4 ,the only way to avoid unwelcome importunities is literally to take refuge in assuming another nationality4 ,strangely enough1 these irrepressibles are seldom encountered at home2 they seem to develop on the steamer and burst into full bloom only on the beaten tourist trails--which is a pity1 because if they only developed at home instead1 we might be intensely annoyed but at least we should not be mortified before our own citizens about other fellow-citizens4 ,but to a sensitive ,american it is far from pleasant to have the country he loves represented by a tableful of vulgarians noisily attracting the attention of a whole dining-room1 and to have a ,european say mockingly1 ,ah1 and those are your compatriots8 ,some years ago1 a ,russian grand duke sitting next to ,mrs4 ,oldname at a luncheon in a ,monte ,carlo restaurant1 said to her3 ,your country puzzles me6 ,how can it be possible that it holds without explosion such antagonistic types as the many charming ,americans we are constantly meeting1 and at the same time-- looking at a group who were actually singing and beating time on their glasses with knives and forks--those6 ,a ,french officer's comment to an ,american officer with whom he was talking in a club in ,paris1 quite unconsciously tells the same tale3 ,you are liaison officer1 ,i suppose1 with the ,americans8 ,but may ,i be permitted to ask why you wear their uniform8 ,the other smiled3 ,i am an ,american6 ,you an ,american8 ,impossible6 ,why1 you speak ,french like a ,parisian1 you have the manner of a great gentleman6 7un grand seigneur17 which would indicate that the average ,american does not speak perfect ,french nor have beautiful manners4 ,there is much excuse for not speaking foreign languages1 but there is no excuse whatever for having offensive manners and riding rough-shod over people who own the land--not we1 who seem to think we do4 ,as for souvenir hunters1 perhaps they can explain wherein their pilfering of another's property differs from petty thieving--a distinction which the owner can scarcely be expected to understand4 ,those who write their names1 defacing objects of beauty with their vainglorious smudges and scribblings1 are scarcely less culpable4 ,in ,france1 in ,spain1 in ,italy1 grace and politeness of manner is as essential to merest decency as being clothed4 ,in the hotels that are used to us 7something of a commentary67 our lack of politeness is tolerated2 but don't think for a moment it is not paid for6 ,the officer referred to above1 who had had the advantage of summer after summer spent in ,europe as a boy1 was charged just about half what another must pay who has the rudeness of a savage4 ,but good manners are good manners everywhere1 except that in ,latin and ,asiatic countries we must1 as it seems to us1 exaggerate politeness4 ,we must1 in ,france and ,italy1 bow smilingly2 we must1 in ,spain and the ,east1 bow gravely2 but in any event1 it is necessary everywhere1 except under the ,american and ,british flags1 to bow--though your bow is often little more than a slight inclination of the head1 and a smile--and to show some ceremony in addressing people4 ,when you go into a shop in ,france or ,italy1 you must smile and bow and say1 ,good morning1 madam1 or ,good evening1 monsieur1 and ,until we meet again1 when you leave4 ,if you can't say ,au revoir1 say ,good afternoon in ,english1 but at all events say something in a polite tone of voice1 which is much more important than the words themselves4 ,to be civilly polite is not difficult--it is merely a matter of remembering4 ,to fail to say good morning to a concierge1 a chambermaid1 or a small tradesman in ,france1 treating him 7or her7 as though he did not exist1 is not evidence of your grandeur but of your ignorance4 ,a ,french duchess would not think of entering the littlest store without saying1 ,good morning1 madame1 to its proprietress1 and if she is known to her at all1 without making enquiries concerning the health of the various members of her family4 ,nor would she fail to say1 ,good morning1 ,auguste1 or ,marie1 to her own servants4 ,,europe',s ,,unflattering ,,opinion ,,of ,,us ,for years we ,americans have swarmed over the face of the world1 taking it for granted that the earth's surface belongs to us because we can pay for it1 and it is rather worse than ever since the war1 when the advantages of exchange add bitterness to irritation4 ,and yet there are many who are highly indignant when told that1 as a type1 we are not at all admired abroad4 ,instead of being indignant1 how much simpler and better it would be to make ourselves admirable1 especially since it is those who most lack cultivation who are most indignant4 ,the very well-bred may be mortified and abashed1 but they can't be indignant except with their fellow countrymen who by their shocking behavior make ,europe's criticism just4 ,understanding of1 and kind-hearted consideration for the feelings of others are the basic attributes of good manners4 ,without observation1 understanding is impossible--even in our own country where the attitude of our neighbors is much the same as our own4 ,it is not hard to appreciate1 therefore1 that to understand the point of view of people entirely foreign to ourselves1 requires intuitive perception as well as cultivation in a very high degree4 ,,americans ,,in ,,european ,,society ,it is only in musical comedy that one can go into a strange city and be picked out of the crowd and invited to the tables of the high of the land1 because one looks as though one might be agreeable6 ,to see anything of society in the actual world it is necessary to have friends1 either ,americans living or stationed or married abroad2 or to take letters of introduction4 ,taking letters of introduction should never be done carelessly1 because of the obligation that they impose4 ,but to go to a strange country and see nothing of its social life1 is like a blind person's going to the theater1 and the only way a stranger can know people is through the letters he brings4 ,under ordinary circumstances no knowledge whatsoever beyond the social amenities the world over are necessary4 ,a dinner abroad is exactly the same as one here4 ,you enter a room1 you bow1 you shake hands1 you say1 ,how do you do4 ,you sit at table1 you talk of impersonal things1 say ,good-by and ,thank you to your hostess1 and you leave4 ,the matter of addressing people of title correctly is of little importance4 ,the beautiful ,lady ,oldworld 7who was ,alice ,town7 was asked one day by a fellow countryman1 what she called this person of title and that one1 and she replied3 ,i'm not sure that ,i know6 ,why should ,i call them at all8 which was a perfectly sensible answer4 ,one never says anything but you to the person spoken to2 and it might be an excellent thing not to know how to speak about anyone with a title1 as it would prevent one's mentioning them4 ,having gone into the subject thus far1 however1 it may be added that if at a dinner you are put next to a ,duke1 if it is necessary to call him anything except you1 you would say ,duke4 ,unless you are waiting on the table instead of sitting at it1 you would not say1 ,your ,grace and not even then ,my ,lord ,duke4 ,neither1 unless you are a valet or a chambermaid1 would you say ,your ,lordship to an ,earl6 ,if you are a lady1 you call him ,lord ,arlington4 ,if you know him really well1 you call him ,arlington4 ,to a knight you say1 ,sir ,arthur1 which sounds familiar1 but there is nothing else you can call him4 ,in ,england a stranger is not supposed to introduce anyone1 so that titles of address are not necessary then either2 but if you happen to be the hostess and ,french or ,americans are present1 who like introductions1 you introduce ,sir ,arthur ,dryden to the ,duke and ,duchess of ,overthere1 or to ,prince and ,princess ,capri4 ,in talking to her1 the latter would be called ,princess and her husband ,prince ,capri or ,prince or by those who know him well1 ,capri4 ,,presentation ,,at ,,court ,frequently ,american men are presented at the ,british ,court at levees held by the ,king for the purpose4 ,such men are of course distinguished citizens who have been in some branch of public service1 or who have contributed something to art1 science1 history or progress4 ,an ,american lady to be eligible for presentation at a foreign ,court should be either the wife or daughter of a distinguished ,american citizen or be herself notable in some branch of learning or accomplishment4 ,it is absolutely necessary that such a candidate take letters of introduction to the ,american ,ambassador1,c or ,minister if in a country where we have a ,legation instead of an ,embassy4 ,she would enclose her letters in a note to the ,ambassadress asking that her name be put on the list for presentation4 ,the propriety of this request is a very difficult subject to advise upon1 in that it is better that the suggestion come from the ,ambassador rather than from oneself4 ,it is1 however1 perfectly permissible for one whose presentation is appropriate1 but who may perhaps not know the ,ambassador or his wife personally1 to do as suggested above4 ,it must also be remembered that rarely more than three or perhaps five persons are presented at any one time1 so that the difficulty of obtaining a place on the list is obvious4 ,an ,american lady is presented by the ,american ,ambassadress 7or the wife of the ,american ,minister7 or by the wife of the ,charg d',affaires if the ,ambassadress be absent2 or occasionally by the ,doyenne of the diplomatic corps at the request of the ,american ,embassy4 ,it would be futile to attempt giving details of full court dress or especial details of etiquette1 as these vary not alone with countries1 but with time6 ,if you are about to be presented1 you will surely be told all that is necessary by the person presenting you4 ,these details1 after all1 merely comprise the exact length of train or other particulars of dress1 the hour you are to be at such and such a door1 where you are to stand1 and how many curtsies or bows you are to make4 ,in all other and essential particulars you behave as you would in any and every circumstance of formality4 ,in general outline1 however1 it would be safe to say that on the day of the ceremony you drive to the ,palace at a specified hour1 wearing specified clothes and carrying your card of invitation in your hand4 ,your wraps are left in the carriage 7or motor-car71 you enter the ,palace and are shown into a room where you wait1 and wait and ,,wait6 until at last you are admitted to the ,audience ,chamber where you approach the receiving ,royalties2 you curtsy deeply before them and then back out4 ,or else--you stand on an assigned spot while the ,king or ,queen or both make the tour of those waiting1 who curtsy 7or bow7 deeply at their approach and again at their withdrawal4 ,if you are spoken to at length1 you answer as under any other circumstances1 exactly as a polite child answers his elders4 ,you do not speak unless spoken to4 ,if your answer is long you need say nothing except the answer2 if short1 you add ,sir to the ,king and ,madam to the ,queen4 ,this seemingly democratic title is as a matter of fact the correct one for all ,royalty4 ,yes1 sir4 ,very much indeed1 ,madam4 ,i think so1 ,madam4 ,footnote ,c3 ,in ,south ,america alone1 where out of courtesy to those who also consider themselves ,americans1 the ,embassies and ,legations of our country are known as those of ,the ,united ,states of ,america4 ,but in all other countries of the world we are known simply as ,americans--it is the only name we have4 ,we are not ,united ,staters or ,united ,statian--there is not even a word to apply to us6 ,to speak of the ,american ,minister to this country or that1 and of the ,american ,embassy in ,paris for instance1 is entirely correct4 ,,foreign ,,languages ,in the ,latin countries1 grace and facility of speech is an object of lifelong cultivation--and no one is considered an educated person who can not speak several languages well4 ,those who speak many fluently1 by the way1 are seldom those who constantly interlard their own tongue with words from another4 ,not to understand any foreign languages would be a decided handicap in ,european society1 where conversation is very apt to turn polyglot1 beginning in one tongue and going on in a second and ending in a third4 ,so that one who knows only ,english is often in the position of a deaf person1 even though ,europeans are invariably polite and never let a conversation run long in a language which all those present do not understand4 ,it might easily happen that a ,french lady and an ,american1 neither understanding the tongue of the other1 meet at the house of an ,italian1 where there is also an ,italian monolinguist1 so that the hostess has to talk in three languages at once4 ,it is unreasonable to expect the average ,american to be a linguist2 we are too far removed from foreign countries4 ,as a matter of fact1 if you would make yourself agreeable1 it is much better 7unless your facility was acquired as a child or you have a talent amounting to genius for accent and construction71 to make it a rule when you lunch or dine with ,europeans to talk ,english1 since all ,latins acutely suffer at hearing their language distorted4 ,english1 on the other hand1 is not beautiful in sound to the foreign ear2 it is a series of esses and shushes1 lumped with consonants like an iron-wheeled cart bumping over a cobble-stoned street4 ,the ,latin's accent in ,english is annoying even to us at times1 but the ,english accent in ,french1 ,italian or ,spanish is murderous6 ,furthermore1 the ,latin passionately loves his language in the way the ,westerner loves his city2 he simply can not endure to have it abused1 and execrates the person who does so4 ,and1 proportionately1 he loves the few who prove they share his love by speaking it creditably4 ,,to ,,improve ,,one',s ,,accent ,if you want to improve your accent1 nothing can so help you as going to the theater abroad until your ears literally absorb the sounds6 ,all people are imitative4 ,there are few who do not gradually lose the purity of a good foreign accent when long away from ,europe1 and all speak more fluently when their ears become accustomed to the sound4 ,the theater is not only the best possible place to hear correctly enunciated speech1 but a play of contemporary life is equally valuable as a study in manners4 ,there is also a suavity of grace in the way ,europeans bow and stand and sit1 and in the way they speak1 that is unconsciously imitated4 ,these manners need not--in fact1 should not--be gushing or mincing1 but you gradually perceive that jerking ramrod motions and stalking into a drawing-room like a grenadier are less impressive than awkward4 ,,the ,,spoiled ,,american ,,girl ,the subject of ,american manners1 as they appear to ,europeans1 cannot be dismissed without comment on a reprehensible type of ,american girl who flourishes on shipboard1 on tours1 and in public places generally--but most particularly in the large and expensive hotels of ,continental resorts4 ,if she and her family have a home1 they are never in it1 and if they have any object in life other than letting her follow her own unhampered inclinations1 it is not apparent to the ordinary observer4 ,such a girl is always over-dressed1 she wears every fashion in its extremest exaggeration1 she sparkles with jewelry1 and reeks of scent1 she switches herself this way and that1 and is always posing in public view and playing to the public gallery4 ,she generally has a small brother who refuses to go to bed at night1 or to stop making the piazza chairs into a train of cars1 or to use the public halls as a skating rink4 ,when he is not making a noise1 he is eating4 ,and his elegant sister looks upon him with disdain4 ,sister1 meanwhile1 jingling with chains and bangles1 decked in scarfs and tulle and earrings1 leans on or against whatever happens to be convenient1 flirting with any casual stranger who comes along4 ,she invariably goes to her meals alone--evidently thinking her parents should be kept apart from her4 ,she is never away from the ,kurhaus or ,casino1 abroad or the hotel lobby in ,america4 ,she is nearly always alone1 and the book she is perpetually reading is always opened at the same page1 and she is sure to look up as you pass4 ,she is very ready to be picked up and to confide her life's history1 past1 present and future1 to any stranger1 especially a young one of the opposite sex4 ,she is rude only to her mother and father4 ,she is also 7we know1 but ,europe doesn't7 a perfectly good girl4 ,her lack of etiquette is shocking1 but her morals are above reproach4 ,she does not even mean to be rude to her parents1 and she has no idea that the things she does are exactly those which condemn her in the opinion of strangers4 ,if she were constantly with1 and obviously devoted to her mother1 she would make an infinitely better impression1 both as to good form and as to heart1 than by segregating herself so that she can be joined by any haphazard youth who strolls into view1 and thereby cheapening not only herself but the name of the ,american girl in general4 ,curiously enough1 if she marries in ,europe1 she is apt to settle down and become an altogether admirable example of ,american-,european womanhood1 because she is sound fruit at heart--merely wrapped in tawdry gilt paper trimming by her adoring but ignorantly unwise parents who1 in their effort to show her off1 disguise the very qualities which should have been accentuated4 ,,ladies ,,traveling ,,alone ,,in ,,europe ,europeans can not possibly understand how any lady of social position can be without a maid4 ,a lady traveling alone1 therefore1 has this trifling handicap to start with4 ,it is a very snobbish opinion1 and one who has the temerity to attempt traveling all by herself has undoubtedly the ability to see it through4 ,she need after all merely behave with extreme quietness and dignity and she can go from one end of the world to the other without molestation or even difficulty--especially if she is anything of a linguist4 ,in going from one place to another1 it is wiser to write as long as possible ahead for accommodations--possibly giving the name of the one 7if any7 who recommended the hotel4 ,but in going far off into ,asia or other difficult countries1 she would better join friends or at least a personally conducted tour1 unless she has the mettle of a ,burton or a ,stanley4 ,,motoring ,,in ,,europe ,motoring in ,europe is perfectly feasible and easy4 ,a car has to be put in a crate to cross the ocean1 but in crossing the channel between ,england and ,france1 no difficulty whatever is experienced4 ,all information necessary can be had at any of the automobile clubs1 and in going from one country to another1 you have merely to show your passports at the border properly visd and pay a deposit to insure your not selling the car out of the country1 which is refunded when you come back4 ,garage charges are reasonable1 but gasoline is high4 ,roads are beautiful1 and traveling--once you have your car--is much cheaper than by train4 ,once off the beaten track1 a tourist who has not a working knowledge of the language of the country he is driving through1 is at a disadvantage1 but plenty of people constantly do it1 so it is at least not insurmountable4 ,with ,english you can go to most places--with ,english and ,french nearly everywhere4 ,the ,michelin guide shows you in a little drawing1 exactly the type of hotels you will find in each approaching town and the price of accommodation1 so that you can choose your own stopping places accordingly4 ,and etiquette8 you ask4 ,there is no etiquette of motoring that differs from all other etiquette4 ,except of course not to be a road hog--or a road pig6 ,people who take up the entire road are not half the offenders that others are who picnic along the side of it and leave their old papers and food all over everywhere4 ,for that matter1 any one who shoves himself forward in any situation in life1 he who pushes past1 bumping into you1 walking over you1 in order to get a first seat on a train1 or to be the first off a boat1 any one who pushes himself out of his turn1 or takes more than his share1 anywhere or of anything--is precisely that sort of an animal4 ,,on ,a ,,continental ,,train ,europeans usually prefer to ride backwards1 and as an ,american prefers to face the engine1 it works out beautifully4 ,it is not etiquette to talk with fellow passengers1 in fact it is very middle-class4 ,if you are in a smoking carriage 7all ,european carriages are smoking unless marked ,ladies alone or ,no smoking7 and ladies are present1 it is polite to ask if you may smoke4 ,language is not necessary1 as you need merely to look at your cigar and bow with an interrogatory expression1 whereupon your fellow passengers bow assent and you smoke4 ,,the ,,perfect ,,traveler ,one might say the perfect traveler is one whose digestion is perfect1 whose disposition is cheerful1 who can be enthusiastic under the most discouraging circumstances1 to whom discomfort is of no moment1 and who possesses at least a sense of the ridiculous1 if not a real sense of humor6 ,the perfect traveler furthermore1 is one who possesses the virtue of punctuality2 one who has not forgotten something at the last minute1 and whose bags are all packed and down at the hour for the start4 ,those who fuss and flurry about being ready1 or those whose disposition is easily upset or who are inclined to be gloomy1 should not travel--unless they go alone4 ,nothing can spoil a journey more than some one who is easily put out of temper and who always wants to do something the others do not4 ,whether traveling with your family or with comparative strangers1 you must realize that your personal likes and dislikes have at least on occasion to be subordinated to the likes and dislikes of others2 nor can you always be comfortable1 or have good weather1 or make perfect connections1 or find everything to your personal satisfaction2 and you only add to your own discomfort and chagrin1 as well as to the discomfort of every one else1 by refusing to be philosophical4 ,those who are bad sailors should not go on yachting parties2 they are always abjectly wretched1 and are of no use to themselves or any one else4 ,those who hate walking should not start out on a tramp that is much too far for them and expect others to turn back when they get tired4 ,they need not start to begin with1 but having once started1 they must see it through4 ,there is no greater test of a man's 7or a woman's7 wearing qualities than traveling with him4 ,he who is always keen and ready for anything1 delighted with every amusing incident1 willing to overlook shortcomings1 and apparently oblivious of discomfort1 is1 needless to say1 the one first included on the next trip4 ,,chapter ,,xxxviii ,,growth ,,of ,,good ,,taste ,,in ,,america ,good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are1 do1 or have4 ,our speech1 manners1 dress1 and household goods--and even our friends--are evidences of the propriety of our taste1 and all these have been the subject of this book4 ,rules of etiquette are nothing more than sign-posts by which we are guided to the goal of good taste4 ,whether we ,americans are drifting toward or from finer perceptions1 both mental and spiritual1 is too profound a subject to be taken up except on a broader scope than that of the present volume4 ,yet it is a commonplace remark that older people invariably feel that the younger generation is speeding swiftly on the road to perdition4 ,but whether the present younger generation is really any nearer to that frightful end than any previous one1 is a question that we1 of the present older generation1 are scarcely qualified to answer4 ,to be sure1 manners seem to have grown lax1 and many of the amenities apparently have vanished4 ,but do these things merely seem so to us because young men of fashion do not pay party calls nowadays and the young woman of fashion is informal8 ,it is difficult to maintain that youth to-day is so very different from what it has been in other periods of the country's history1 especially as the capriciousness of beauty1 the heartlessness and carelessness of youth1 are charges of a too suspiciously bromidic flavor to carry conviction4 ,the present generation is at least ahead of some of its very proper predecessors in that weddings do not have to be set for noon because a bridegroom's sobriety is not to be counted on later in the day6 ,that young people of to-day prefer games to conversation scarcely proves degeneration4 ,that they wear very few clothes is not a symptom of decline4 ,there have always been recurring cycles of undress1 followed by muffling from shoe-soles to chin4 ,we have not yet reached the undress of ,pauline ,bonaparte1 so the muffling period may not be due6 ,however1 leaving out the mooted question whether etiquette may not soon be a subject for an obituary rather than a guide-book1 one thing is certain3 we have advanced prodigiously in esthetic taste4 ,never in the recollection of any one now living has it been so easy to surround oneself with lovely belongings4 ,each year's achievement seems to stride away from that of the year before in producing woodwork1 ironwork1 glass1 stone1 print1 paint and textile that is lovelier and lovelier4 ,one can not go into the shops or pass their windows on the streets without being impressed with the ever-growing taste of their display4 ,nor can one look into the magazines devoted to gardens and houses and house-furnishings and fail to appreciate the increasing wealth of the beautiful in environment4 ,that such exquisite best as ,america possessed in her ,colonial houses and gardens and furnishings should ever have been discarded for the atrocities of the period after the ,civil ,war1 is comparable to nothing but ,titania's ,midsummer ,night's ,dream madness that made her believe an ass's features more beautiful than those of ,apollo6 ,happily1 however1 since we never do things by halves1 we are studying and cultivating and buying and making1 and trying to forget and overcome that terrible marriage of our beautiful ,colonial ancestress with the dark-wooded1 plush-draped1 jig-sawed upstart of vulgarity and ignorance4 ,in another country her type would be lost in his1 forever6 ,but in a country that sent a million soldiers across three thousand miles of ocean1 in spite of every obstacle and in the twinkling of an eye1 why even comment that good taste is pouring over our land as fast as periodicals1 books and manufacturers can take it4 ,three thousand miles east and west1 two thousand miles north and south1 white tiled bathrooms have sprung like mushrooms seemingly in a single night1 charming houses1 enchanting gardens1 beautiful cities1 cultivated people1 created in thousands upon thousands of instances in the short span of one generation4 ,certain great houses abroad have consummate quality1 it is true1 but for every one of these1 there are a thousand that are mediocre1 even offensive4 ,in our own country1 beautiful houses and appointments flourish like field flowers in summer2 not merely in the occasional gardens of the very rich1 but everywhere4 ,and all this means8 ,merely one more incident added to the many great facts that prove us a wonderful nation4 7,but this is an aside merely1 and not to be talked about to anyone except just ourselves67 ,at the same time it is no idle boast that the world is at present looking toward ,america2 and whatever we become is bound to lower or raise the standards of life4 ,the other countries are old1 we are youth personified6 ,we have all youth's glorious beauty and strength and vitality and courage4 ,if we can keep these attributes and add finish and understanding and perfect taste in living and thinking1 we need not dwell on the ,golden ,age that is past1 but believe in the ,golden ,age that is sure to be4 ,,index ,acceptance of an invitation1 #abb-abc2 to a formal dinner1 #ahg-ahh2 to an informal dinner1 #abe2 to a wedding1 #aaa4 ,acknowledgment of ,christmas presents1 #djg-djh2 of wedding presents1 #cbj2 of messages of condolence1 #djf-djh4 ,address1 forms of4 ,see3 ,forms of address4 ,address1 notification of1 #ahj2 by bride and groom1 #ajh-aji4 ,address on envelopes1 #dfj1 #dhf1 #dhh2 on letters1 #dej1 #dee1 #dfj1 #dfa2 on visiting cards1 #gd-gf4 ,afternoon parties1 chapter on1 #afe-agf4 ,afternoon teas4 ,see3 ,teas4 ,ambassador1 close of letter to1 #def2 function of in presentation at court1 #fji2 how to address1 #dhh2 how to announce as a guest1 #bad2 how to introduce1 #d1 #dhi4 ,americans abroad1 #fjd-faf4 ,announcement of a death1 #cij2 of an engagement1 #hi1 #cjd-cjf1 #cji2 of a second marriage1 #ajh2 of a wedding1#ajf-ajg4 ,announcing dinner1 #bag4 ,announcing guests1 at afternoon tea1 #afg2 at dinner1 #bad-bae4 ,answering the door1 #ade4 ,see also3 ,not at home4 ,anthem1 national1 #bc4 ,apology1 form of1 #bc-bd2 letters of1 #dfb-dfc2 at the theater1 #da4 ,archbishop1 close of letter to1 #dhi2 how to address1 #dhh2 how to introduce1 #dhi4 ,argumentativeness1 #ej4 ,arm1 etiquette of offering and taking1 #cj4 ,artichokes1 how to eat1 #ehc4 ,asking for a dance1 #bfg1 #bgj4 ,asparagus1 how to eat1 #ehb4 ,assemblies1 #bgb-bge4 ,assemblyman1 #dhf1 #dhg4 ,at home with dancing1 invitations to an1 #aab-aaf4 ,au revoir1 avoidance of use of1 #ai4 ,automobiles4 ,see3 ,motoring2 ,vehicles4 ,baby1 clothes for1 at a christening1 #che2 letters of thanks for gifts to1 #dfh2 training in table manners1 #ega4 ,bachelor's apartment1 tea in1 #bib2 dinner1 #bcj1 #ccf-ccg1 #cge2 party1 #ga1 #bif-bih2 theater party1 #ch4 ,bachelor girl1 #bie4 ,ball dress1 #eda1 #edf-edg1 #eeg1 #fjc2 in opera box1 #cg4 ,ballroom1 etiquette in1 #beh-bfb2 for an afternoon tea1 #afg4 ,balls1 chapter on1 #bej-bge2 clothes for1 #efi2 gloves at1 #bj2 hand-shaking at1 #bj2 introductions at1 #aj1 #af2 invitations to1 #aab-aaf2 for a dbutante1 #bgf-bgi2 public1 #bga-bge4 ,beginning a letter1 #dib-did4 ,behavior1 good1 fundamentals of1 #ejf-eaj4 ,best man1 #cca1 #cdd2 clothes of1 #ccc2 duties of on wedding day1 #cde-cdf2 during the marriage ceremony1 #ceh1 #cei1 #cfj2 after the marriage ceremony1 #cfa2 in rehearsal1 #cda1 #cdb2 at the wedding breakfast1 #cfh4 ,best ,society1 chapter on1 #a-c2 definition of1 #c4 ,beverages at afternoon teas1 #afg1 #afh1 #afi1 #agj1 #agc1 #agd2 at ball suppers1 #beg2 at formal dinners1 #bje1 #bji2 at luncheons1 #bdd-bde2 at wedding breakfasts1 #cfe1 #cfh4 ,big dinners1 #bbe-bbf4 ,birds1 how to eat1 #ehd1 #ehe4 ,bishop1 close of letter to1 #dhi2 how to address1 #dhh2 how to introduce1 #e1 #dhi4 ,bones1 management of1 at table1 #ehc-ehd4 ,boots1 #eea1 #efh4 ,bouquet1 bridal1 #cdd1 #ceh1 #cei2 of bridesmaid1 #cbh4 ,boutonnire1 #ccd1 #cdd1 #ced1 #ceg1 #eea1 #efc4 ,bowing1 etiquette of1 #bj1 #ba1 #bc1 #bd-bg1 #ic1 #ejh2 at court1 #faj4 ,bread and butter1 how to eat1 #ehc4 ,bread and butter letters1 #dfh-dgj4 ,breakfast1 invitations to1 #bch-bci2 for country house guests1 #dbg-dbi2 wedding1 #cfd-cfh4 ,bridal procession1 #cci-cdb1 #ceg-ceh4 ,bridal veil1 #cej1 #cea4 ,bride1 acknowledgment of gifts by1 #cbj-cba2 acquiring of social position by1 #ff-fh2 calls of1 #ff2 calls on1 #fg-ia2 gifts of to bridesmaids1 #ccf2 gifts to by groom1 #cdd2 giving away of1 #cec1 #cei2 house of on wedding day1 #cdg-cej2 letters of thanks to relatives-in-law1 #dga2 during the marriage ceremony1 #ceh1 #cei1 #cfj2 in rehearsal1 #cch-cdb2 at the wedding breakfast1 #cfb1 #cfh2 as a chaperon1 #bhi2 as a guest of honor1 #aa4 ,bride's going away dress1 #cgj4 ,bride's mother1 cards left with1 #hg4 ,bride's parents1 #cdj-cdb1 #cec1 #ceg-cfj1 #cff2 expenses of for wedding1 #cgg-cgh4 ,bride's table1 #cfe4 ,bridegroom1 #cda-cdb1 #ceg-cfj2 clothes of1 #ccb1 #ccc2 expenses of1 #ccg1 #cdb-cdd1 #cgh2 as a guest of honor1 #aa2 parents of1 at wedding reception1 #cfd2 wedding given by1 #caf-cah4 ,bridegroom's mother1 card left with1 #hg4 ,bridesmaids1 #cbh-ccb1 #cci-cdj1 #cdb1 #cea1 #cec1 #ceh-cfa1 #cfh4 ,bridesmaids' luncheon1 #cce-ccf4 ,bridesmaids' and ushers' dinner1 #ccf4 ,bridge1 #ebd-ebg2 introduction at1 #ab2 invitation to1 #abd1 #abh-abi4 ,buffet at afternoon teas1 #afg2 luncheons1 #bdh-bdi4 ,bundles1 carrying of1 #bi4 ,burials1 women at1 #cbg4 ,business etiquette1 #ecj-eci2 letters1 #dee1 #dfj-dfa2 relations between men and women1 #bc1 #ejf1 #ecj-ecb2 suits1 #aeb1 #bdf1 #eff-efg1 #egj2 visits1 #ae1 #bc1 #ecc-ecd4 ,butler1 #adb-add1 #afa-afc1 #afg1 #ahf-ahg1 #bja-bjb1 #bad1 #dbe4 ,butter1 avoidance of at formal dinner1 #bjf1 #ehe4 ,cabaret1 supper at1 #bic4 ,cabinet1 member of1 close of letter to1 #def1 #dhg2 how to address1 #dhf2 how to announce as a guest1 #bad2 how to introduce1 #dhg4 ,cardinal1 close of letter to1 #dhg2 how to address1 #dhf2 how to introduce1 #d1 #dhg4 ,calls4 ,see3 ,visits4 ,camp1 house party in1 chapter on1 #ddj-ddg2 invitation to1 #abg4 ,cards1 of address1 #ajh2 of admittance to church weddings1 #ajb2 of general invitation1 #aah2 of introduction to a club1 #eba2 as invitations1 #abd1 #afh1 #afi2 at funerals1 #djh2 with gifts1 #cba1 #cbb2 menu1 #baj2 place1 #baj2 visiting1 chapter on1 #gc-ig4 ,carriages4 ,see3 ,vehicles4 ,cars4 ,see3 ,street cars2 ,motoring2 ,vehicles4 ,carving1 #bbi-bcj4 ,cereal1 how to eat1 #egc4 ,celebrities1 afternoon teas in honor of1 #afh4 ,chaperon1 #ach2 chapter on1 #bhh-bih2 at public balls1 #bga4 ,chic woman1 #edb4 ,chicken1 how to eat1 #ehd1 #ehe4 ,children1 cards of1 #gh2 conversation about1 #di2 invitations to1 #dei1 #dfj2 parties for1 #ehj-eha2 table manners of1 #ega-ehb2 training of1 #ehg-ehh1 #eib2 at afternoon tea1 #egi-ehj2 on railway trains1 #eid4 ,christenings1 chapter on1 #chj-chf4 ,christmas presents1 #dfg-dfh4 ,church1 greetings in1 #ai-bj2 leave-taking at1 #bj4 ,church weddings1 #ajb-ajc2 #cad-caf2 #cci-cdb2 invitations to1 #ii-ajj4 ,cigars4 ,see3 ,smoking4 ,circus1 etiquette at1 #df4 ,clergy1 how to introduce1 #d-e4 ,clergyman1 close of letter to1 #def1 #dhi2 how to address1 #dhh2 how to introduce1 #dhi2 visiting card of1 #gh2 wedding fee of1 #cdd4 ,closing a letter1 #dee-deh1 #dfj1 #dhg1 #dhi-dij1 #did-dif4 ,clothes1 at an afternoon tea1 #afe1 #edg1 #eef2 at a christening1 #che-chf2 at a concert1 #edg2 at a funeral1 #djh2 at a house party in camp1 #dda-ddb2 at luncheon1 #bdf2 at the opera1 #ce1 #edg1 #edi2 at theater1 #db-dc1 #edg1 #efi2 on a visit1 #ig2 at a wedding1 #cbh-ccj1 #ccb-ccd1 #eef1 #efi-egj2 for a dbutante1 #bha2 for a gentleman1 chapter on1 #efb-egj2 for a lady1 chapter on1 #edj-egj2 for servants1 #ach1 #adj1 #adc-add1 #aea-aeb1 #bdf-bdg2 for people with limited incomes1 #edc-ede1 #eec-eeg4 ,clubs1 chapter on1 #eaa-ebc2 conversation in1 #ejh4 ,colloquial language1 #fb4 ,colors1 passing of the1 #bc4 ,companion1 #ach4 ,concert1 clothes for1 #edg4 ,condolence1 #djf-djh2 letters of1 #dhc-dhe2 visits of1 #hh1 #ic4 ,congratulations1 to bride and groom1 #cfb2 letters of1 #dha-dhc4 ,congressman1 #dhf1 #dhg4 ,consul1 #dhh1 #dhi4 ,contradiction1 #ej-ea4 ,conspicuousness1 avoidance of1 #bh4 ,conventions for the young girl1 #bib-bid4 ,conversation1 #ejf-ejh2 chapter on1 #dh-eg2 foreign words in1 #ai2 how to begin1 #h2 at afternoon tea1 #agj2 at dinner1 #baf1 #bba1 #bbc-bbe2 at the home table1 #eib2 at the opera1 #cg2 on a railway train1 #eie2 on a steamer1 #eii1 #fjj1 #fjb2 on the street1 #bh2 at the table1 #aj1 #ab1 #egf-egg2 at the theater1 #dj-da2 at a wedding1 #cee1 #cfb-cfc2 without an introduction1 #aj1 #ab1 #eii-fjj4 ,cook1 #adf-adg1 #agh1 #bcd-bce4 ,corn1 how to eat1 #egc4 ,corn on the cob1 when to eat1 #ehb4 ,correct usage of words and phrases1 #eh-fb4 ,correspondence4 ,see3 ,letters4 ,country clothes1 #edh-eej2 #efh1 #egj2 #fjc4 ,country clubs1 #eaf-eag1 #ebj4 ,country house1 chapter on1 #daj-dci2 invitations to1 #abf2 letters of thanks for visits to1 #dfh-dgc2 stationery1 #dea-dec4 ,court1 presentation at1 #fji-faj4 ,courtship1 #bii-cja4 ,crests1 #dea4 ,cuff links1 #add1 #aeb1 #efg4 ,cup1 use of1 #egc4 ,cut direct1 #bf-bg4 ,cutaway coat1 #bdf1 #ccb1 #eff1 #efi4 ,cutting in at a dance1 #bfi-bgj4 ,dances1 chapter on1 #bej-bge2 introductions at1 #af2 invitations to1 #aab-aaf1 #abd1 #abh1 #bea-bed1 #bei-bfj2 at an afternoon tea1 #aff2 at a wedding1 #cfi4 ,dating a letter1 #dec4 ,day dress1 #eee-eef4 ,days at home1 #hb1 #hf-hg4 ,death1 notice of1 #chg1 #cij4 ,debts1 #ejf1 #eji1 #ebc4 ,dbutante1 #aa1 #hj1 #aad-aaf1 #beb1 #beg2 chapter on1 #bgf-bhg4 ,dbutante's card1 #gi2 theater party1 #dc-df4 ,dessert1 #bjg-bji1 #egc4 ,devices on stationery1 #dea-dec4 ,dining-room1 appointments of1 #aib-aid4 ,dining-saloon etiquette1 #eji-aj4 ,dinner1 announcement of1 #afb-afc1 #bag2 clothes for1 #edf-edg1 #eei1 #efi1 #ehi1 #fjc2 introductions at1 #aj1 #ab-ac2 invitations to1 #aai1 #abd-abe1 #abh1 #ahh2 seating at1 #afb1 #agh-agi1 #aif1 #baj-bab1 #bbi2 taking in to1 #ab1 #bag-bah2 formal1 chapter on1 #agg-bcj2 before the opera1 #ce2 before the theater1 #ch2 for bridesmaids and ushers2 for engaged couples1 #cje-cjf2 for parents of groom-elect1 #caj2 for week-end guests1 #dah-dai2 in camp1 #ddd2 with limited equipment1 chapter on1 #bca-bcg4 ,dinner coat1 #db4 ,dishes1 how to present1 #bjf4 ,dishing1 #bce4 ,divorce1 #ejg1 #eji4 ,divorced woman1 name of1 #dei2 visiting card of1 #gh4 ,doctor1 how to introduce1 #e2 visiting cards of1 #gh4 ,don'ts for dbutantes1 #bhd2 for a hostess at country house1 #dca-dce2 for setting the table1 #aii-bjj2 for writing a letter1 #dic1 #ejb-ejc1 #eje4 ,double cards1 #gi4 ,drawing-room1 #id1 #ahd1 #bad1 #bbd-bbe4 ,dress4 ,see3 ,clothes4 ,drinking1 #egc-egd4 ,drinks4 ,see3 ,beverages4 ,duke1 how to address1 #fjh4 ,earl1 how to address1 #fjh4 ,eating difficult foods1 #bbc1 #ehb-ehe4 ,eggs1 how to eat1 #egd-ehd4 ,elbows on the table1 #ehe-ehf4 ,elevator1 removal of gentleman's hat in1 #bb4 ,elopements1 #cja4 ,engaged couples1 afternoon tea in honor of1 #afh2 dinner for1 #cje-cjf2 entertainments for1 #cjd2 photographs of in newspapers1 #cjd2 visits of1 #cb4 ,see also3 ,fiance4 ,engagements1 chapter on1 #bii-caa2 announcement of1 #hi2 congratulations on1 #dha-dhb2 letters to relatives on1 #cjc4 ,engraved cards of thanks1 #dgd2 pew cards1 #ajc2 visiting cards1 #gc-gf4 ,english clothes1 #eec1 #efa-efb4 ,entertainments1 introductions at1 #aj2 service at1 #aei-afd2 after dinner1 #bbe2 at camp1 #dde-ddf2 at country house1 #dcj1 #dcc-dcd2 for engaged couples1 #cjd4 ,envelopes1 #dej1 #ded4 ,escorts1 #ca-cb1 #eid-eie4 ,etiquette1 scope of1 #c4 ,european travel1 #fjd-faf4 ,evening clothes1 #add1 #bha1 #cah1 #edi1 #eeg1 #eei1 #efc-efd1 #fjc4 ,expenses1 clothing1 #edc-ede1 #eec-eeg2 funeral1 #cij-cia2 wedding1 #cag1 #cbi1 #cdb-cdd1 #cgf-cgh4 ,ex-,president of the ,united ,states1 how to introduce1 #e4 ,family affairs1 conversation about1 #di1 #ejf-ejg1 #eji1 #eib4 ,fare1 payment of1 #ca4 ,fashion1 #eda-edc1 #eeg-eeh4 ,father's consent to an engagement1 #cja4 ,fiance1 asking invitations for to a ball1 #bec2 etiquette for1 #cjh2 gifts to by groom-elect1 #caj-caa2 visits of1 #ie2 visits to1 #hh1 #cjc4 ,finger bowl1 #bjh-bji1 #ehe4 ,finger food1 #ehb-ehe4 ,flower girls1 #ccj1 #ceh4 ,flowers1 cards with1 #gi2 for dbutante1 #bgg-bgh2 for fiance1 #caj-caa2 for funerals1 #cid-cie2 for the guest room1 #dag2 for the table1 #aic1 #aie1 #eia2 for a wedding1 #cae-caf1 #cdh-cdi4 ,folding a note1 #ded4 ,food1 at an afternoon tea1 #afg-agj1 #agb-agc2 at a ball supper1 #bef-beg2 in camp1 #ddd-dde2 for country house guests1 #dah1 #dbg-dbh2 for formal dinner1 #ahd1 #ahh-aij1 #bcb-bce2 for luncheon1 #bdc-bdd2 on a train1 #eib-eic2 for a wedding breakfast1 #cfe1 #cfh2 how to eat difficult foods1 #bbc1 #ehb-ehe4 ,footmen1 house1 #add-adf4 ,foreign language1 #faj-fab4 ,foreigners1 shaking hands with1 #bj2 titled1 how to address1 #fjh-fji2 how to announce as guests1 #bae2 letters to1 #dij4 ,fork1 #aif-aig1 #bjc-bjd2 use of1 #egc-ege1 #ehd-ehe4 ,forms of address1 #dee1 #dhf-dhi1 #fjh-fji4 ,frock coat1 #ccb1 #eff1 #efi4 ,full dress1 #ce1 #db1 #efi4 ,funerals1 chapter on1 #chg-dji4 ,furnishings1 of a camp1 #ddc2 of a dining-room1 #aib-aid2 of a guest room1 #dad-dag4 ,furniture1 #acb-ace4 ,games1 #ab2 outdoor1 #df-dg2 and sports1 chapter on1 #ebd-ebi4 ,see also3 ,entertainments4 ,garden party1 #agd-age2 dress for1 #eef4 ,gentleman1 ,the1 #ejf-ejh4 ,gentleman's stick1 #bb1 #adc1 #de1 #ceh1 #cfj1 #efd4 ,gifts1 ,christmas1 #dfh2 wedding1 #cai-cbc2 to baby1 #chb1 #dfh2 to bride by groom1 #cdd2 to bridesmaids1 #ccf2 to engaged couple1 #cjf2 to fiance by groom-elect1 #caj-caa2 to wedding ushers1 #ccg2 of tickets for balls1 concerts1 etc41 #dc4 ,girls4 ,see3 ,young girl4 ,gloves1 #bbj1 #bdf1 #ccc-ccd1 #cdd1 #ceg1 #edd1 #eeb1 #eed-eef1 #efc2 removal of when shaking hands1 #bj2 bridegroom's1 #ccc2 white1 when worn by a gentleman1 #ce4 ,godparents1 #chj-chb4 ,golf1 #ebg4ebh2 invitation to1 #abh2 clubs1 #eag4 ,good-bys4 ,see3 ,leave taking4 ,governor1 close of letter to1 #dhg2 how to address1 #dhf2 how to announce as a guest1 #bad2 how to introduce1 #dhg4 ,greetings1 chapter on1 #ah-ba2 abroad1 #fjf-fjg2 to mourners1 #cii4 ,guest cards1 #dag-dah2 lists1 #ahf-ahg2 rooms1 #dac-dag1 #dbe-dbg4 ,guests1 announcement of1 #afa-afb1 #bad-bae2 introduction of1 #aa-ab1 #dhg1 #dhi2 selection of1 #gb2 to country house1 #dai-dbj2 to dbutante's party1 #bhj2 to formal dinner1 #agh1 #ahe-ahf2 to a wedding1 #cab-cad2 tipping by1 #dbf-dbg4 ,guests1 distinguished1 #aa1 #baf4 ,guests at an afternoon tea1 #agj2 at a christening1 #chj1 #chc2 at a country house1 #daj-dab1 #dbi-dca1 #dce-dci1 #dgj2 at a club1 #ebj-ebc2 at a formal dinner1 #ahd1 #baj-bab2 at a garden party1 #age2 at luncheon1 #bdj2 in opera box1 #ce2 on private car1 #dci2 on yacht1 #dci4 ,see also3 ,precedence2--,seating4 ,handwriting1 #ddh-ddi1 #dfj4 ,hanging the bell1 #cij4 ,hat1 #ce1 #bde-bdf1 #ceg1 #edd1 #edi1 #eee-eef1 #efd1 #eff2 lifting of1 #bc-bd2 removal of by a gentleman1 #bb-bc1 #be4 ,headdress1 #db1 #cai1 #cdg1 #edd1 #edf-edg1 #eeb4 ,healths to the bride1 #ccg2 to an engaged couple1 #cje4 ,hello as a greeting1 #ai-bj4 ,home1 manners in the1 #ehg-eib4 ,hospitality at parties1 #age-agf2 in a country house1 chapter on1 #daj-dci4 ,host1 bachelor as1 #bie-bih2 payment of restaurant checks by1 #cb2 introductions by1 #ab2 at a ball1 #bfj2 at a country house1 #dbi2 at a dinner1 #ahd1 #baa-bab1 #bag2 at a garden party1 #age4 ,hostess1 manners of1 #bah2 payment of restaurant checks by1 #cb2 presentation to at a dance or at the opera1 #ab4 ,hostess at an afternoon tea1 #afg-agj2 at a ball1 #beh-bei2 in a country house1 #daa-dac1 #dca-dce2 at a dinner1 #agg-ahd1 #baj-bab1 #bae-bbj1 #bbg2 at a garden party1 #age2 at a luncheon1 #bdj4 ,hotels1 #eif-eig4 ,hour1 dinner1 #bja2 wedding1 #cad1 #cah-cai2 week-end party1 #daa4 ,house1 the well-appointed1 chapter on1 #aca-afd2 formal entertaining in1 #aei-afd2 furniture in1 #acb-ace2 organization of1 #ade-aee2 servants in1 #aee-aei2 service in1 #ace-ade4 ,house party1 introductions at1 #aj2 invitations to1 #abd1 #acj2 bachelor's1 #bif-bih2 camp1 #ddj-ddg1 country house1 #daa-dci4 ,house suit1 #efe4 ,house wedding1 #cgc-cge4 ,housekeeper1 #adj-ada4 ,housemaid1 #adh1 #dbe-dbf4 ,hunting clubs1 #eag4 ,husband and wife1 #ed1 #bad1 #dac1 #ejg1 #eji1 #ehi-eia4 ,ice cream as dessert1 #bjg-bjh4 ,initials1 in the signature of a letter1 #deh2 on visiting cards1 #gf-gg2 on wedding presents1 #cbb-cbc4 ,introduce1 when used in introductions1 #d4 ,introductions1 chapter on1 #d-ag2 greetings at1 #ah-ai2 letters of1 #af-ag1 #dge-dgh2 at a ball1 #aj1 #af2 at bridge1 #ab2 at a dinner1 #aj1 #ab-ac2 at a house party2 at a luncheon1 #i-aj2 at the opera1 #cf2 on a steamer1 #fja-fjb2 on the street1 #ac2 at a wedding1 #aa1 #cfc2 of guests of honor1 #aa2 of important personages1 #dhg1 #dhi2 of titled foreigners1 #fjh-fji2 of a visitor to a club1 #ebj-ebb2 self1 #ab1 #fjb4 ,invalids1 return visits of1 #if2 visits to1 #hh1 #ic4 ,invitations1 chapter on1 #ih-acj2 asking for1 #aag-aah2 cards in connection with1 #hc-hd1 #hg1 #aah1 #abd1 #afh1 #afi2 by a chaperon1 #bia2 by telephone1 #abh-acj1 #bch-bci1 #chj2 to an at home with dancing1 #aab-aaf2 to a bachelor's party1 #big-bih2 to a ball or dance1 #aab-aaf1 #abd1 #abh1 #bea-bed1 #bei-bfj2 to a breakfast1 #bch-bci2 to bridge1 #abd1 #abh-abi2 to camp1 #abg2 to children1 #dei-dfj2 to a christening1 #chj2 to country house1 #dai2 to a dinner1 #aai1 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