,transcriber's ,note3 the ,contents and ,index were added to this e-book by the transcriber ,,toaster',s ,,handbook ,,jokes1 ,,stories1 ,,and ,,quotations ,compiled by ,,peggy ,,edmund and ,,harold ,,workman ,,williams ,introductions by ,,mary ,,katharine ,,reely #aiaf ,,contents ,,preface ,,on ,,the ,,possession ,,of ,a ,,sense ,,of ,,humor ,,toasters1 ,,toastmasters ,,and ,,toasts ,,toaster',s ,,handbook ,,index ,,preface ,nothing so frightens a man as the announcement that he is expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by occasion4 ,all ideas he may ever have had on the subject melt away and like a drowning man he clutches furiously at the nearest solid object4 ,this book is intended for such rescue purpose1 buoyant and trustworthy but1 it is to be hoped1 not heavy4 ,let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his topic in this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he may find toast1 story1 definition or verse that may felicitously introduce his remarks4 ,then as he proceeds to outline his talk and to put it into sentences1 he may find under one of the many subject headings a bit which will happily and scintillatingly drive home the ideas he is unfolding4 ,while the larger part of the contents is humorous1 there are inserted many quotations of a serious nature which may serve as appropriate literary ballast4 ,the jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been placed under the subject headings where it seemed that they might be most useful1 even at the risk of the joke turning on the compilers4 ,to extend the usefulness of such pseudo-cataloging1 cross references1 similar and dissimilar to those of a library card catalog1 have been included4 ,should a large number of the inclusions look familiar1 let us remark that the friends one likes best are those who have been already tried and trusted and are the most welcome in times of need4 ,however1 there are stories of a rising generation1 whose acquaintance all may enjoy4 ,nearly all these new and old friends have before this made their bow in print and since it rarely was certain where they first appeared1 little attempt has been made to credit any source for them4 ,the compilers hereby make a sweeping acknowledgment to the funny editors of many books and periodicals4 ,,on ,,the ,,possession ,,of ,a ,,sense ,,of ,,humor ,man1 says ,hazlitt1 is the only animal that laughs and weeps1 for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be4 ,the sources1 then1 of laughter and tears come very close together4 ,at the difference between things as they are and as they ought to be we laugh1 or we weep2 it would depend1 it seems1 on the point of view1 or the temperament4 ,and if1 as ,horace ,walpole once said1 ,life is a comedy to those who think1 a tragedy to those who feel1 it is the thinking half of humanity that1 at the sight of life's incongruities1 is moved to laughter1 the feeling half to tears4 ,a sense of humor1 then1 is the possession of the thinking half1 and the humorists must be classified at once with the thinkers4 ,if one were asked to go further than this and to give offhand a definition of humor1 or of that elusive quality1 a sense of humor1 he might find himself confronted with a difficulty4 ,yet certain things about it would be patent at the outset3 ,women haven't it2 ,englishmen haven't it2 it is the chiefest of the virtues1 for tho a man speak with the tongues of men and of angels1 if he have not humor we will have none of him4 ,women may continue to laugh over those innocent and innocuous incidents which they find amusing2 may continue to write the most delightful of stories and essays--consider ,jane ,austen and our own ,miss ,repplier--over which appreciative readers may continue to chuckle2 ,englishmen may continue1 as in the past to produce the most exquisite of the world's humorous literature--think of ,charles ,lamb--yet the fundamental faith of mankind will remain unshaken3 women have no sense of humor1 and an ,englishman cannot see a joke6 ,and the ability to see a joke is the infallible ,american test of the sense of humor4 ,but taking the matter seriously1 how would one define humor8 ,when in doubt1 consult the dictionary1 is1 as always1 an excellent motto1 and1 following it1 we find that our trustworthy friend1 ,noah ,webster1 does not fail us4 ,here is his definition of humor1 ready to hand3 humor is the mental faculty of discovering1 expressing1 or appreciating ludicrous or absurdly incongruous elements in ideas1 situations1 happenings1 or acts1 with the added information that it is distinguished from wit as less purely intellectual and having more kindly sympathy with human nature1 and as often blended with pathos4 ,a friendly rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute more lightly as a facetious turn of thought1 or more specifically in literature1 as a sportive exercise of the imagination that is apparent in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme4 ,isn't there something about that word sportive1 on the lips of so learned an authority1 that tickles the fancy--appeals to the sense of humor8 ,yet if we peruse the dictionary further1 especially if we approach that monument to ,english scholarship1 the great ,murray1 we shall find that the problem of defining humor is not so simple as it might seem2 for the word that we use so glibly1 with so sure a confidence in its stability1 has had a long and varied history and has answered to many aliases4 ,when ,shakespeare called a man humorous he meant that he was changeable and capricious1 not that he was given to a facetious turn of thought or to a sportive exercise of the imagination4 ,when he talks in ,the ,taming of the ,shrew of her mad and head-strong humor he doesn't mean to imply that ,kate is a practical joker4 ,it is interesting to note in passing that the old meaning of the word still lingers in the verb to humor4 ,a woman still humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when she yields to their capriciousness4 ,by going hack a step further in history1 to the late fourteenth century1 we met ,chaucer's physician who knew the cause of everye maladye1 and where engendered and of what humour and find that ,chaucer is not speaking of a mental state at all1 but is referring to those physiological humours of which1 according to ,hippocrates1 the human body contained four3 blood1 phlegm1 bile1 and black bile1 and by which the disposition was determined4 ,we find1 too1 that at one time a humour meant any animal or plant fluid1 and again any kind of moisture4 ,the skie hangs full of humour1 and ,i think we shall haue raine1 ran an ancient weather prophet's prediction4 ,which might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical subject of dry humor4 ,now in part this development is easily traced4 ,humor1 meaning moisture of any kind1 came to have a biological significance and was applied only to plant and animal life4 ,it was restricted later within purely physiological boundaries and was applied only to those humours of the human body that controlled temperament4 ,from these fluids1 determining mental states1 the word took on a psychological coloring1 but--by what process of evolution did humor reach its present status6 ,after all1 the scientific method has its weaknesses6 ,we can1 if we wish1 define humor in terms of what it is not4 ,we can draw lines around it and distinguish it from its next of kin1 wit4 ,this indeed has been a favorite pastime with the jugglers of words in all ages4 ,and many have been the attempts to define humor1 to define wit1 to describe and differentiate them1 to build high fences to keep them apart4 ,wit is abrupt1 darting1 scornful2 it tosses its analogies in your face2 humor is slow and shy1 insinuating its fun into your heart1 says ,e4 ,p4 ,whipple4 ,wit is intellectual1 humor is emotional2 wit is perception of resemblance1 humor of contrast--of contrast between ideal and fact1 theory and practice1 promise and performance1 writes another authority4 ,while yet another points out that ,humor is feeling--feelings can always bear repetition1 while wit1 being intellectual1 suffers by repetition4 ,the truth of this is evident when we remember that we repeat a witty saying that we may enjoy the effect on others1 while we retell a humorous story largely for our own enjoyment of it4 ,yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined4 ,it may be one of those intangible substances1 like love and beauty1 that are indefinable4 ,it is quite probable that humor should not be explained4 ,it would be distressing1 as some one pointed out1 to discover that ,american humor is based on ,american dyspepsia4 ,yet the philosophers themselves have endeavored to explain it4 ,hazlitt held that to understand the ludicrous1 we must first know what the serious is4 ,and to apprehend the serious1 what better course could be followed than to contemplate the serious--yes and ludicrous--findings of the philosophers in their attempts to define humor and to explain laughter4 ,consider ,hobbes3 ,the passion of laughter is nothing else but sudden glory arising from the sudden conception of eminency in ourselves by comparison with the inferiority of others1 or with our own formerly4 ,according to ,professor ,bain1 ,laughter results from the degradation of some person or interest possessing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong emotion4 ,even ,kant1 desisting for a time from his contemplation of ,pure ,reason1 gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter and explained it away as the result of an expectation which of a sudden ends in nothing4 ,some modern cynic has compiled a list of the situations on the stage which are always humorous4 ,one of them1 ,i recall1 is the situation in which the clown-acrobat1 having made mighty preparations for jumping over a pile of chairs1 suddenly changes his mind and walks off without attempting it4 ,the laughter that invariably greets this funny maneuver would seem to have philosophical sanction4 ,bergson1 too1 the philosopher of creative evolution1 has considered laughter to the extent of an entire volume4 ,a reading of it leaves one a little disturbed4 ,laughter1 so we learn1 is not the merry-hearted1 jovial companion we had thought him4 ,laughter is a stern mentor1 characterized by an absence of feeling4 ,laughter1 says ,m4 ,bergson1 is above all a corrective1 it must make a painful impression on the person against whom it is directed4 ,by laughter society avenges itself for the liberties taken with it4 ,it would fail in its object if it bore the stamp of sympathy or kindness4 ,if this be laughter1 grant us occasionally the saving grace of tears1 which may be tears of sympathy1 and1 therefore1 kind6 ,but1 after all1 since it is true that one touch of humor makes the whole world grin1 what difference does it make what that humor is2 what difference why or wherefore we laugh1 since somehow or other1 in a sorry world1 we do laugh8 ,of the test for a sense of humor1 it has already been said that it is the ability to see a joke4 ,and1 as for a joke1 the dictionary1 again a present help in time of trouble1 tells us at once that it is1 something said or done for the purpose of exciting a laugh4 ,but stay6 ,suppose it does not excite the laugh expected8 ,what of the joke that misses fire8 ,shall a joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences8 ,is a joke that does not produce a laugh a joke at all8 ,pragmatically considered it is not4 ,agnes ,repplier1 writing on ,humor1 speaks of those beloved writers whom we hold to be humorists because they have made us laugh4 ,we hold them to be so--but there seems to be a suggestion that we may be wrong4 ,is it possible that the laugh is not the test of the joke8 ,here is a question over which the philosophers may wrangle4 ,is there an ,absolute in the realm of humor1 or must our jokes be judged solely by the pragmatic test8 ,congreve once told ,colly ,gibber that there were many witty speeches in one of ,colly's plays1 and many that looked witty1 yet were not really what they seemed at first sight6 ,so a joke is not to be recognized even by its appearance or by the company it keeps4 ,perhaps there might be established a test of good usage4 ,a joke would be that at which the best people laugh4 ,somebody--was it ,mark ,twain8--once said that there are eleven original jokes in the world--that these were known in prehistoric times1 and that all jokes since have been but modifications and adaptations from the originals4 ,miss ,repplier1 however1 gives to modern times the credit for some inventiveness4 ,christianity1 she says1 must be thanked for such contributions as the missionary and cannibal joke1 and for the interminable variations of ,st4 ,peter at the gate4 ,max ,beerbohm once codified all the ,english comic papers and found that the following list comprised all the subjects discussed3 ,mothers-in-law2 ,hen-pecked husbands2 ,twins2 ,old maids2 ,jews2 ,frenchmen and ,germans2 ,italians and ,niggers2 ,fatness2 ,thinness2 ,long hair 7in men72 ,baldness2 ,sea sickness2 ,stuttering2 ,bloomers2 ,bad cheese2 ,red noses4 ,a like examination of ,american newspapers would perhaps result in a slightly different list4 ,we have1 of course1 our purely local jokes4 ,boston will always be a joke to ,chicago1 the east to the west4 ,the city girl in the country offers a perennial source of amusement1 as does the country man in the city4 ,and the foreigner we have always with us1 to mix his ,y's and ,j's1 distort his ,h's1 and play havoc with the ,anglo-,saxon ,th4 ,indeed our great ,american sense of humor has been explained as an outgrowth from the vast field of incongruities offered by a developing civilization4 ,it may be that this vaunted national sense has been over-estimated--exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor1 anyway--but at least it has one of the ,christian virtues--it suffereth long and is kind4 ,miss ,repplier says that it is because we are a humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the most part with1 and not at our fellow creatures4 ,this1 ,i think1 is something that our fellow creatures from other lands do not always comprehend4 ,i listened once to a distinguished ,frenchman as he addressed the students in a western university chapel4 ,he was evidently astounded and embarrassed by the outbursts of laughter that greeted his mildly humorous remarks4 ,he even stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of his ,english1 deeming them the cause1 and was further mystified by the little ripple of laughter that met his explanation--a ripple that came from the hearts of the good-natured students1 who meant only to be appreciative and kind4 ,foreigners1 too1 unacquainted with ,american slang often find themselves precipitating a laugh for which they are unprepared4 ,for a bit of current slang1 however and whenever used1 is always humorous4 ,the ,american is not only a humorous person1 he is a practical person4 ,so it is only natural that the ,american humor should be put to practical uses4 ,it was once said that the difference between a man with tact and a man without was that the man with tact1 in trying to put a bit in a horse's mouth1 would first tell him a funny story1 while the man without tact would get an axe4 ,this use of the funny story is the ,american way of adapting it to practical ends4 ,a collection of funny stories used to be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade4 ,it is by means of the good story that the politician makes his way into office2 the business man paves the way for a big deal2 the after-dinner speaker gets a hearing2 the hostess saves her guests from boredom4 ,such a large place does the story hold in our national life that we have invented a social pastime that might be termed a joke match4 ,don't tell a funny story1 even if you know one1 was the advice of the ,atchison ,globe man1 its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad one4 ,true as this may be1 we still persist in telling our funny story4 ,our hearers are reminded of another1 good or bad1 which again reminds us--and so on4 ,a sense of humor1 as was intimated before1 is the chiefest of the virtues4 ,it is more than this--it is one of the essentials to success4 ,for1 as has also been pointed out1 we1 being a practical people1 put our humor to practical uses4 ,it is held up as one of the prerequisites for entrance to any profession4 ,a lawyer1 says a member of that order1 must have such and such mental and moral qualities2 but before all else--and this impressively--he must possess a sense of humor4 ,samuel ,mc,chord ,crothers says that were he on the examining board for the granting of certificates to prospective teachers1 he would place a copy of ,lamb's essay on ,schoolmasters in the hands of each1 and if the light of humorous appreciation failed to dawn as the reading progressed1 the certificate would be withheld4 ,for1 before all else1 a teacher must possess a sense of humor6 ,if it be true1 then1 that the sense of humor is so important in determining the choice of a profession1 how wise are those writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most exacting of professions--matrimony6 ,incompatibility in humor1 ,george ,eliot held to be the most serious cause of diversion4 ,and ,stevenson1 always wise1 insists that husband and wife must he able to laugh over the same jokes--have between them many a grouse in the gun-room story4 ,but there must always be exceptions if the spice of life is to be preserved1 and ,i recall one couple of my acquaintance1 devoted and loyal in spite of this very incompatibility4 ,a man with a highly whimsical sense of humor had married a woman with none4 ,yet he told his best stories with an eye to their effect on her1 and when her response came1 peaceful and placid and non-comprehending1 he would look about the table with delight1 as much as to say1 ,isn't she a wonder8 ,do you know her equal8 ,humor may be the greatest of the virtues1 yet it is the one of whose possession we may boast with impunity4 ,well1 that was too much for my sense of humor1 we say4 ,or1 ,you know my sense of humor was always my strong point4 ,imagine thus boasting of one's integrity1 or sense of honor6 ,and so is its lack the one vice of which one may not permit himself to be a trifle proud4 ,i admit that ,i have a hot temper1 and ,i know ,i'm extravagant1 are simple enough admissions4 ,but did any one ever openly make the confession1 ,i know ,i am lacking in a sense of humor6 ,however1 to recognize the lack one would first have to possess the sense--which is manifestly impossible4 ,to explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account for the condition of human life1 says ,hazlitt1 and no philosophy has as yet succeeded in accounting for the condition of human life4 ,man is a laughing animal1 wrote ,meredith1 and at the end of infinite search the philosopher finds himself clinging to laughter as the best of human fruit1 purely human1 and sane1 and comforting4 ,so whether it be the corrective laughter of ,bergson1 ,jove laughing at lovers' vows1 ,love laughing at locksmiths1 or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was like the crackling of thorns to ,koheleth1 the preacher1 we recognize that it is good2 that without this saving grace of humor life would be an empty vaunt4 ,i like to recall that ancient usage3 ,the skie hangs full of humour1 and ,i think we shall haue raine4 ,blessed humor1 no less refreshing today than was the humour of old to a parched and thirsty earth4 ,,toasters1 ,,toastmasters ,,and ,,toasts ,before making any specific suggestions to the prospective toaster or toastmaster1 let us advise that he consider well the nature and spirit of the occasion which calls for speeches4 ,the toast1 after-dinner talk1 or address is always given under conditions that require abounding good humor1 and the desire to make everybody pleased and comfortable as well as to furnish entertainment should be uppermost4 ,perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise to the modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which a toast should be given4 ,it originated with the pagan custom of drinking to gods and the dead1 which in ,christian nations was modified1 with the accompanying idea of a wish for health and happiness added4 ,in ,england during the sixteenth century it was customary to put a toast in the drink1 which was usually served hot4 ,this toast was the ordinary piece of bread scorched on both sides4 ,shakespeare in ,the ,merry ,wives of ,windsor has ,falstaff say1 ,fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast in't4 ,later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor the company drank1 her name serving to flavor the bumper as the toast flavored the drink4 ,it was in this way that the act of drinking or of proposing a health1 or the mere act of expressing good wishes or fellowship at table came to be known as toasting4 ,since an occasion1 then1 at which toasts are in order is one intended to promote good feeling1 it should afford no opportunity for the exploitation of any personal or selfish interest or for anything controversial1 or antagonistic to any of the company present4 ,the effort of the toastmaster should be to promote the best of feeling among all and especially between speakers4 ,and speakers should cooperate with the toastmaster and with each other to that end4 ,the introductions of the toastmaster may1 of course1 contain some good-natured bantering1 together with compliment1 but always without sting4 ,those taking part may get back at the toastmaster1 but always in a manner to leave no hard feeling anywhere4 ,the toastmaster should strive to make his speakers feel at ease1 to give them good standing with their hearers without overpraising them and making it hard to live up to what is expected of them4 ,in short1 let everybody boost good naturedly for everybody else4 ,the toastmaster1 and for that matter everyone taking part1 should be carefully prepared4 ,it may be safely said that those who are successful after-dinner speakers have learned the need of careful forethought4 ,a practised speaker may appear to speak extemporaneously by putting together on one occasion thoughts and expressions previously prepared for other occasions1 but the neophyte may well consider it necessary to think out carefully the matter of what to say and how to say it4 ,cicero said of ,antonius1 ,all his speeches were1 in appearance1 the unpremeditated effusion of an honest heart2 and yet1 in reality1 they were preconceived with so much skill that the judges were not so well prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of them6 ,after considering the nature of the occasion and getting himself in harmony with it1 the speaker should next consider the relation of his particular subject to the occasion and to the subjects of the other speakers4 ,he should be careful to hold closely to the subject allotted to him so that he will not encroach upon the ground of other speakers4 ,he should be careful1 too1 not to appropriate to himself any of their time4 ,and he should consider1 without vanity and without humility1 his own relative importance and govern himself accordingly4 ,we have all had the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of the evening to begin while some humble citizen made a few introductory remarks4 ,in planning his speech and in getting it into finished form1 the toaster will do well to remember those three essentials to all good composition with which he struggled in school and college days1 ,unity1 ,mass and ,coherence4 ,the first means that his talk must have a central thought1 on which all his stories1 anecdotes and jokes will have a bearing2 the second that there will be a proper balance between the parts1 that it will not be all introduction and conclusion2 the third1 that it will hang together1 without awkward transitions4 ,a toast may consist1 as ,lowell said1 of a platitude1 a quotation and an anecdote1 but the toaster must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together4 ,in delivering the toast1 the speaker must of course be natural4 ,the after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone1 not for oratory of voice or manner4 ,something of an air of detachment on the part of the speaker is advisable4 ,the humorist who can tell a story with a straight face adds to the humorous effect4 ,a word might be said to those who plan the program4 ,in the number of speakers it is better to err in having too few than too many4 ,especially is this true if there is one distinguished person who is the speaker of the occasion4 ,in such a case the number of lesser lights may well be limited to two or three4 ,the placing of the guest of honor on the program is a matter of importance4 ,logically he would be expected to come last1 as the crowning feature4 ,but if the occasion is a large semi-public affair--a political gathering1 for example--where strict etiquet does not require that all remain thru the entire program1 there will always be those who will leave early1 thus missing the best part of the entertainment4 ,in this case some shifting of speakers1 even at the risk of an anti-climax1 would be advisable4 ,on ordinary occasions1 where the speakers are of much the same rank1 order will be determined mainly by subject4 ,and if the topics for discussion are directly related1 if they are all component parts of a general subject1 so much the better4 ,now we are going to add a special paragraph for the absolutely inexperienced person--who has never given1 or heard anyone else give1 a toast4 ,it would seem hardly possible in this day of banquets to find an individual who has missed these occasions entirely--but he is to be found4 ,especially is this true in a world where toasting and after-dinner speaking are coming to be more and more in demand at social functions--the college world4 ,here the young man or woman1 coming from a country town where the formal banquet is unknown1 who has never heard an after-dinner speech1 may be confronted with the necessity of responding to a toast on1 say ,needles and ,pins4 ,such a one would like to be told first of all what an after-dinner speech is4 ,it is only a short1 informal talk1 usually witty1 at any rate kindly1 with one central idea and a certain amount of illustrative material in the way of anecdotes1 quotations and stories4 ,the best advice to such a speaker is3 ,make your first effort simple4 ,don't be over ambitious4 ,if1 as was suggested in the example cited a moment ago1 the subject is fanciful--as it is very apt to be at a college banquet--any interpretation you choose to put upon it is allowable4 ,if the interpretation is ingenious1 your case is already half won4 ,such a subject is in effect a challenge4 ,now1 let's see what you can make of this1 is what it implies4 ,first get an idea2 then find something in the way of illustrative material4 ,speak simply and naturally and sit down and watch how the others do it4 ,of course the subject on such occasions is often of a more serious nature--,our ,class2 ,the ,team2 ,our ,president--in which case a more serious treatment is called for1 with a touch of honest pride and sentiment4 ,to sum up what has been said1 with borrowings from what others have said on the subject1 the following general rules have been formulated3 ,prepare carefully4 ,self-confidence is a valuable possession1 but beware of being too sure of yourself4 ,pride goes before a fall1 and overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the downfall of many a would-be speaker4 ,the speaker should strive to give the effect of spontaneity1 but this can be done only with practice4 ,the toast calls for the art that conceals art4 ,let your speech have unity4 ,as some one has pointed out1 the after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression1 just as is the short story4 ,as such it should give a unity of impression4 ,it bears something of the same relation to the oration that the short story does to the novel4 ,let it have continuity4 ,james ,bryce says3 ,there is a tendency today to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of anecdotes1 most of which may have little to do with the subject or with one another4 ,even the best stories lose their charm when they are dragged in by the head and shoulders1 having no connection with the allotted theme4 ,relevance as well as brevity is the soul of wit4 ,do not grow emotional or sentimental4 ,american traditions are largely borrowed from ,england4 ,we have the ,anglo-,saxon reticence4 ,a parade of emotion in public embarrasses us4 ,a simple and sincere expression of feeling is often desirable in a toast--but don't overdo it4 ,avoid trite sayings4 ,don't use quotations that are shopworn1 and avoid the set forms for toasts--,our sweethearts and wives--may they never meet1 etc4 ,don't apologise4 ,don't say that you are not prepared2 that you speak on very short notice2 that you are no orator as ,brutus is4 ,resolve to do your best and let your effort speak for itself4 ,avoid irony and satire4 ,it has already been said that occasions on which toasts are given call for friendliness and good humor4 ,yet the temptation to use irony and satire may be strong4 ,especially may this be true at political gatherings where there is a chance to grow witty at the expense of rivals4 ,irony and satire are keen-edged tools2 they have their uses2 but they are dangerous4 ,pope1 who knew how to use them1 said3 ,satire's my weapon1 but ,i'm too discreet ,to run amuck and tilt at all ,i meet4 ,use personal references sparingly4 ,a certain amount of good-natured chaffing may be indulged in4 ,yet there may be danger in even the most kindly of fun4 ,one never knows how a jest will be taken4 ,once in the early part of his career1 ,mark ,twain1 at a ,new ,england banquet1 grew funny at the expense of ,longfellow and ,emerson1 then in their old age and looked upon almost as divinities4 ,his joke fell dead1 and to the end of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection4 ,be clear4 ,while you must not draw an obvious moral or explain the point to your jokes1 be sure that the point is there and that it is put in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it4 ,avoid flights of rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea of words4 ,avoid didacticism4 ,do not try to instruct4 ,do not give statistics and figures4 ,they will not be remembered4 ,a historical resume of your subject from the beginning of time is not called for2 neither are well-known facts about the greatness of your city or state or the prominent person in whose honor you may be speaking4 ,do not tell your hearers things they already know4 ,be brief4 ,an after-dinner audience is in a particularly defenceless position4 ,it is so out in the open4 ,there is no opportunity for a quiet nod or two behind a newspaper or the hat of the lady in front4 ,if you bore your hearers by overstepping your time politeness requires that they sit still and look pleased4 ,spare them4 ,remember ,bacon's advice to the speaker3 ,let him be sure to leave other men their turns to speak4 ,but suppose you come late on the program6 ,suppose the other speakers have not heeded ,bacon8 ,what are you going to do about it8 ,here is a story that ,james ,bryce tells of the most successful after-dinner speech he remembers to have heard4 ,the speaker was a famous engineer1 the occasion a dinner of the ,british ,association for the ,advancement of ,science4 ,he came last2 and midnight had arrived4 ,his toast was ,applied ,science1 and his speech was as follows3 ',ladies and gentlemen1 at this late hour ,i advise you to illustrate the ,applications of ,science by applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom candle4 ,let us all go to bed'4 ,if you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting short your own carefully-prepared1 wise1 witty and sparkling remarks1 your audience will thank you--and they may ask you to speak again4 ,,toaster',s ,,handbook ,,ability ,pa1 said little ,joe1 ,i bet ,i can do something you can't4 ,well1 what is it8 demanded his pa4 ,grow1 replied the youngster triumphantly4--,h4,e4 ,zimmerman4 ,,abolition ,he was a ,new ,yorker visiting in a ,south ,carolina village and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store1 and began a conversation4 ,have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton this season8 he inquired4 ,don't believe ,i have1 answered the other4 ,well1 they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking1 rejoined the ,new ,yorker4 ,monkeys learn readily4 ,they are thorough workers1 and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune otherwise expended in wages4 ,yes1 ejaculated the native1 and about the time this monkey brigade is beginning to work smoothly1 a lot of you fool northerners will come tearing down here and set 'em free4 ,,absent-,,mindedness ,,she--,i consider1 ,john1 that sheep are the stupidest creatures living4 ,,he--7absent-mindedly7--,yes1 my lamb4 ,,accidents ,the late ,dr4 ,henry ,thayer1 founder of ,thayer's ,laboratory in ,cambridge1 was walking along a street one winter morning4 ,the sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully1 as was also a woman going in the opposite direction4 ,in seeking to avoid each other1 both slipped and they came down in a heap4 ,the polite doctor was overwhelmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech1 but the woman was equal to the occasion4 ,doctor1 if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs1 ,i will take what remains1 she said cheerfully4 ,help6 ,help6 cried an ,italian laborer near the mud flats of the ,harlem river4 ,what's the matter there8 came a voice from the construction shanty4 ,queek6 ,bringa da shov'6 ,bringa da peek6 ,giovanni's stuck in da mud4 ,how far in8 ,up to hees knees4 ,oh1 let him walk out4 ,no1 no6 ,he no canna walk6 ,he wronga end up6 ,there once was a lady from ,guam1 ,who said1 ,now the sea is so calm ,i will swim1 for a lark2 ,but she met with a shark4 ,let us now sing the ninetieth psalm4 ,,bricklayer 7to mate1 who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his feet7--,dropt 'em on yer toe6 ,that's nothin'4 ,why1 ,i seen a bloke get killed stone dead1 an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're doin'4 ,a preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners4 ,about noon1 the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily4 ,on being asked what the matter was1 he said that the load of hay had tipped over in the street4 ,the preacher1 a kindly man1 assured the little fellow that it was nothing serious1 and asked him in to dinner4 ,pa wouldn't like it1 said the boy4 ,but the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his father1 and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay4 ,after dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed4 ,pa won't like it1 he persisted4 ,the preacher1 unable to understand1 asked the boy what made him think his father would object4 ,why1 you see1 pa's under the hay1 explained the boy4 ,there was an old ,miss from ,antrim1 ,who looked for the leak with a glim4 ,alack and alas6 ,the cause was the gas4 ,we will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn4 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,there was a young lady named ,hannah1 ,who slipped on a peel of banana4 ,more stars she espied ,as she lay on her side ,than are found in the ,star ,spangled ,banner4 ,a gentleman sprang to assist her2 ,he picked up her glove and her wrister2 ,did you fall1 ,ma'am8 he cried2 ,did you think1 she replied1 ,i sat down for the fun of it1 ,mister8 ,at first laying down1 as a fact fundamental1 ,that nothing with ,god can be accidental4 --,longfellow4 ,,acting ,hopkinson ,smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his1 an actor1 who1 by the way1 was in the dramatization of ,colonel ,carter4 ,on one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town1 and remembered an old negro and his wife1 who had been body servants in his father's household1 with a couple of seats in the theatre4 ,as it happened1 he was playing the part of the villain1 and was largely concerned with treasons1 stratagems and spoils4 ,from time to time he caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gallery1 and judged from their fearsome countenance and popping eyes that they were being duly impressed4 ,after the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes4 ,they sat together for a while in solemn silence1 and then the mammy resolutely nudged her husband4 ,the old man gathered himself together with an effort1 and said3 ,marse ,cha'les1 mebbe it ain' for us po' niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment4 ,but we jes' got to tell yo' dat1 in all de time we b'long to de fambly1 none o' ouh folks ain' neveh befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's1 an' we hope1 ,marse ,cha'les1 dat yo' see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff disgrace us4 ,in a ,north of ,england town recently a company of local amateurs produced ,hamlet1 and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the local paper next morning3 ,last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to witness a performance of ,hamlet at the ,town ,hall4 ,there has been considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written by ,shakespeare or ,bacon4 ,all doubt can be now set at rest4 ,let their graves be opened2 the one who turned over last night is the author4 ,suit the action to the word1 the word to the action1 with this special observance1 that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature4--,shakespeare4 ,to wake the soul by tender strokes of art1 ,to raise the genius1 and to mend the heart2 ,to make mankind1 in conscious virtue bold1 ,live o'er each scene1 and be what they behold-- ,for this the tragic muse first trod the stage4 --,pope4 ,,actors ,,and ,,actresses ,an ,uncle ,tom's ,cabin company was starting to parade in a small ,new ,england town when a big gander1 from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss4 ,one of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily exclaimed3 ,don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions4 ,wait till you see the show4--,k4,a4 ,bisbee4 ,when ,william ,h4 ,crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting ambition to play ,hamlet4 ,so with his first profits he organized his own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his ambition and try it on4 ,when he came back to ,new ,york a group of friends noticed that the actor appeared to be much downcast4 ,what's the matter1 ,crane8 ,didn't they appreciate it8 asked one of his friends4 ,they didn't seem to1 laconically answered the actor4 ,well1 didn't they give any encouragement8 ,didn't they ask you to come before the curtain8 persisted the friend4 ,ask me8 answered ,crane4 ,man1 they dared me6 ,,leading ,,man ,,in ,,traveling ,,company--,we play ,hamlet to-night1 laddie1 do we not8 ,,sub-,,manager--,yes1 ,mr4 ,montgomery4 ,,leading ,,man--,then ,i must borrow the sum of two-pence6 ,,sub-,,manager--,why8 ,,leading ,,man--,i have four days' growth upon my chin4 ,one cannot play ,hamlet in a beard6 ,,sub-,,manager--,um--well--we'll put on ,macbeth6 ,,he--,but what reason have you for refusing to marry me8 ,,she--,papa objects4 ,he says you are an actor4 ,,he-,give my regards to the old boy and tell him ,i'm sorry he isn't a newspaper critic4 ,the hero of the play1 after putting up a stiff fight with the villain1 had died to slow music4 ,the audience insisted on his coming before the curtain4 ,he refused to appear4 ,but the audience still insisted4 ,then the manager1 a gentleman with a strong accent1 came to the front4 ,ladies an' gintlemen1 he said1 the carpse thanks ye kindly1 but he says he's dead1 an' he's goin to stay dead4 ,mrs4 ,minnie ,maddern ,fiske1 the actress1 was having her hair dressed by a young woman at her home4 ,the actress was very tired and quiet1 but a chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up4 ,i should have went on the stage1 said the young woman complacently4 ,but1 returned ,mrs4 ,fiske1 look at me--think how ,i have had to work and study to gain what success ,i have1 and win such fame as is now mine6 ,oh1 yes1 replied the young woman calmly2 but then ,i have talent4 ,orlando ,day1 a fourth-rate actor in ,london1 was once called1 in a sudden emergency1 to supply the place of ,allen ,ainsworth at the ,criterion ,theatre for a single night4 ,the call filled him with joy4 ,here was a chance to show the public how great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an opportunity4 ,but his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought that1 as the play was already in the midst of its run1 none of the dramatic critics might be there to watch his triumph4 ,a bright thought struck him4 ,he would announce the event4 ,rushing to a telegraph office1 he sent to one of the leading critics the following telegram3 ,orlando ,day presents ,allen ,ainsworth's part to-night at the ,criterion4 ,then it occurred to him1 ,why not tell them all8 ,so he repeated the message to a dozen or more important persons4 ,at a late hour of the same day1 in the ,garrick ,club1 a lounging gentleman produced one of the telegrams1 and read it to a group of friends4 ,a chorus of exclamations followed the reading3 ,why1 ,i got precisely the same message6 ,and so did ,i4 ,and ,i1 too4 ,who is ,orlando ,day8 ,what beastly cheek6 ,did the ass fancy that one would pay any attention to his wire8 ,j4 ,m4 ,barrie1 the famous author and playwright1 who was present1 was the only one who said nothing4 ,didn't he wire you too8 asked one of the group4 ,oh1 yes4 ,but of course you didn't answer4 ,oh1 but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the trouble to wire me4 ,so1 of course1 ,i answered him4 ,you did6 ,what did you say8 ,oh1 ,i just telegraphed him3 ',thanks for timely warning4' ,twinkle1 twinkle1 lovely star6 ,how ,i wonder if you are ,when at home the tender age ,you appear when on the stage4 --,mary ,a4 ,fairchild4 ,recipe for an actor3 ,to one slice of ham add assortment of roles4 ,steep the head in mash notes till it swells1 ,garnish with onions1 tomatoes and beets1 ,or with eggs--from afar--in the shells4 --,life4 ,recipe for an ingenue3 ,a pound and three-quarters of kitten1 ,three ounces of flounces and sighs2 ,add wiggles and giggles and gurgles1 ,and ringlets and dimples and eyes4 --,life4 ,,adaptation ,i know a nature-faker1 said ,mr4 ,bache1 the author1 who claims that a hen of his last month hatched1 from a setting of seventeen eggs1 seventeen chicks that had1 in lieu of feathers1 fur4 ,he claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's adaptation of all animals to their environment1 the seventeen eggs having been of the cold-storage variety4 ,,addresses ,in a large store a child1 pointing to a shopper exclaimed1 ,oh1 mother1 that lady lives the same place we do4 ,i just heard her say1 ',send it up ,c4,o4,d4' ,isn't that where we live8 ,an ,englishman went into his local library and asked for ,frederic ,harrison's ,george ,washington and other ,american ,addresses4 ,in a little while he brought back the book to the librarian and said3 ,this book does not give me what ,i require2 ,i want to find out the addresses of several ,american magnates2 ,i know where ,george ,washington has gone to1 for he never told a lie4 ,,advertising ,not long ago a patron of a caf in ,chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows3 ,i want to know the meaning of this4 ,look at this piece of beef4 ,see its size4 ,last evening ,i was served with a portion more than twice the size of this4 ,where did you sit8 asked the waiter4 ,what has that to do with it8 ,i believe ,i sat by the window4 ,in that case1 smiled the waiter1 the explanation is simple4 ,we always serve customers by the window large portions4 ,it's a good advertisement for the place4 ,advertising costs me a lot of money4 ,why ,i never saw your goods advertised4 ,they aren't4 ,but my wife reads other people's ads4 ,when ,mark ,twain1 in his early days1 was editor of a ,missouri paper1 a superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider in his paper1 and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or bad4 ,the humorist wrote him this answer and printed it3 ,old subscriber3 ,finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you4 ,the spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising1 so that he can go to that store1 spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward4 ,good ,heavens1 man6 ,i saw your obituary in this morning's paper6 ,yes1 ,i know4 ,i put it in myself4 ,my opera is to be produced to-night1 and ,i want good notices from the critics4--,c4 ,hilton ,turvey4 ,paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and decided to take a walk in the afternoon4 ,while strolling ling along he heard a piano1 and1 following the sound1 came to a house on which was a sign reading3 ,miss ,jones4 ,piano lessons #be cents an hour4 ,pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of ,chopin's nocturnes1 and not succeeding very well4 ,paderewski walked up to the house and knocked4 ,miss ,jones came to the door and recognized him at once4 ,delighted1 she invited him in and he sat down and played the nocturne as only ,paderewski can1 afterward spending an hour in correcting her mistakes4 ,miss ,jones thanked him and he departed4 ,some months afterward he returned to the town1 and again took the same walk4 ,he soon came to the home of ,miss ,jones1 and1 looking at the sign1 he read3 ,miss ,jones4 ,piano lessons #a4jj an hour4 7,pupil of ,paderewski47 ,shortly after ,raymond ,hitchcock made his first big hit in ,new ,york1 ,eddie ,foy1 who was also playing in town1 happened to be passing ,daly's ,theatre1 and paused to look at the pictures of ,hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance4 ,near the pictures was a billboard covered with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show4 ,when ,foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list1 he turned to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his eye4 ,say1 have you seen this show8 he asked4 ,sure1 replied the young man4 ,any good8 ,how's this guy ,hitchcock1 anyhow8 ,any good8 repeated the young man pityingly4 ,why1 say1 he's the best in the business4 ,he's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed to the mast4 ,he's a scream4 ,never laughed so much at any one in all my life4 ,is he as good as ,foy8 ventured ,foy hopefully4 ,as good as ,foy6 ,the young man's scorn was superb4 ,why1 this ,hitchcock has got that ,foy person looking like a gloom4 ,they're not in the same class4 ,hitchcock's funny4 ,a man with feelings can't compare them4 ,i'm sorry you asked me1 ,i feel so strongly about it4 ,eddie looked at him very sternly and then1 in the hollow tones of a tragedian1 he said3 ,i am ,foy4 ,i know you are1 said the young man cheerfully4 ,i'm ,hitchcock6 ,advertisements are of great use to the vulgar4 ,first of all1 as they are instruments of ambition4 ,a man that is by no means big enough for the ,gazette1 may easily creep into the advertisements2 by which means we often see an apothecary in the same paper of news with a plenipotentiary1 or a running footman with an ambassador4--,addison4 ,see also ,salesmen and ,salesmanship4 ,,advice ,her exalted rank did not give ,queen ,victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother4 ,one of her grandsons1 whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval1 wrote to the ,queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and delicately suggesting that money would be the most acceptable gift4 ,in her own hand she answered1 sternly reproving the youth for the sin of extravagance and urging upon him the practise of economy4 ,his reply staggered her3 ,dear ,grandma1 it ran1 thank you for your kind letter of advice4 ,i have sold the same for five pounds4 ,many receive advice1 only the wise profit by it4--,publius ,syrus4 ,,aeronautics ,a flea and a fly in a flue1 ,were imprisoned2 now what could they do8 ,said the fly1 let us flee4 ,let us fly1 said the flea1 ,and they flew through a flaw in the flue4 ,the impression that men will never fly like birds seems to be aeroneous4--,la ,touche ,hancock4 ,,aeroplanes ,mother1 may ,i go aeroplane8 ,yes1 my darling ,mary4 ,tie yourself to an anchor chain ,and don't go near the airy4 --,judge4 ,harry ,n4 ,atwood1 the noted aviator1 was the guest of honor at a dinner in ,new ,york1 and on the occasion his eloquent reply to a toast on aviation terminated neatly with these words3 ,the aeroplane has come at last1 but it was a long time coming4 ,we can imagine ,necessity1 the mother of invention1 looking up at a sky all criss-crossed with flying machines1 and then saying1 with a shake of her old head and with a contented smile3 ',of all my family1 the aeroplane has been the hardest to raise4' ,a genius who once did aspire ,to invent an aerial flyer1 ,when asked1 ,does it go8 ,replied1 ,i don't know2 ,i'm awaiting some damphule to try 'er4 ,,after ,,dinner ,,speeches ,a ,frenchman once remarked3 ,the table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour4 ,every rose has its thorn ,there's fuzz on all the peaches4 ,there never was a dinner yet ,without some lengthy speeches4 ,joseph ,chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important city4 ,the ,mayor presided1 and when coffee was being served the ,mayor leaned over and touched ,mr4 ,chamberlain1 saying1 ,shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer1 or had we better have your speech now8 ,friend1 said one immigrant to another1 this is a grand country to settle in4 ,they don't hang you here for murder4 ,what do they do to you8 the other immigrant asked4 ,they kill you1 was the reply1 with elocution4 ,when ,daniel got into the lions' den and looked around he thought to himself1 ,whoever's got to do the after-dinner speaking1 it won't be me4 ,joseph ,h4 ,choate and ,chauncey ,depew were invited to a dinner4 ,mr4 ,choate was to speak1 and it fell to the lot of ,mr4 ,depew to introduce him1 which he did thus3 ,gentlemen1 permit me to introduce ,ambassador ,choate1 ,america's most inveterate after-dinner speaker4 ,all you need to do to get a speech out of ,mr4 ,choate is to open his mouth1 drop in a dinner and up comes your speech4 ,mr4 ,choate thanked the ,senator for his compliment1 and then said3 ,mr4 ,depew says if you open my mouth and drop in a dinner up will come a speech1 but ,i warn you that if you open your mouths and drop in one of ,senator ,depew's speeches up will come your dinners4 ,mr4 ,john ,c4 ,hackett recently told the following story3 ,i was up in ,rockland ,county last summer1 and there was a banquet given at a country hotel4 ,all the farmers were there and all the village characters4 ,i was asked to make a speech4 ',now1' said ,i1 with the usual apologetic manner1 'it is not fair to you that the toastmaster should ask me to speak4 ,i am notorious as the worst public speaker in the ,state of ,new ,york4 ,my reputation extends from one end of the state to the other4 ,i have no rival whatever1 when it comes--' ,i was interrupted by a lanky1 ill-clad individual1 who had stuck too close to the beer pitcher4 ',gentlemen1' said he1 ',i take 'ception to what this here man says4 ,he ain't the worst public speaker in the state4 ,i am4 ,you all know it1 an' ,i want it made a matter of record that ,i took 'ception4' ',well1 my friend1' said ,i1 'suppose we leave it to the guests4 ,you sit down while ,i say my piece1 and then ,i'll sit down and let you give a demonstration4' ,the fellow agreed and ,i went on4 ,i hadn't gone far when he got up again4 '',s all right1' said he1 'you win2 needn't go no farther6' ,mark ,twain and ,chauncey ,m4 ,depew once went abroad on the same ship4 ,when the ship was a few days out they were both invited to a dinner4 ,speech-making time came4 ,mark ,twain had the first chance4 ,he spoke twenty minutes and made a great hit4 ,then it was ,mr4 ,depew's turn4 ,mr4 ,toastmaster and ,ladies and ,gentlemen1 said the famous raconteur as he arose1 ,before this dinner ,mark ,twain and myself made an agreement to trade speeches4 ,he has just delivered my speech1 and ,i thank you for the pleasant manner in which you received it4 ,i regret to say that ,i have lost the notes of his speech and cannot remember anything he was to say4 ,then he sat down4 ,there was much laughter4 ,next day an ,englishman who had been in the party came across ,mark ,twain in the smoking-room4 ,mr ,clemens1 he said1 ,i consider you were much imposed upon last night4 ,i have always heard that ,mr4 ,depew is a clever man1 but1 really1 that speech of his you made last night struck me as being the most infernal rot4 ,see also ,orators2 ,politicians2 ,public ,speakers4 ,,age ,the good die young4 ,here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age4 ,how old are you1 ,tommy8 asked a caller4 ,well1 when ,i'm home ,i'm five1 when ,i'm in school ,i'm six1 and when ,i'm on the cars ,i'm four4 ,how effusively sweet that ,mrs4 ,blondey is to you1 ,jonesy1 said ,witherell4 ,what's up8 ,any tender little romance there8 ,no1 indeed--why1 that woman hates me1 said ,jonesy4 ,she doesn't show it1 said ,witherell4 ,no2 but she knows ,i know how old she is--we were both born on the same day1 said ,jonesy1 and she's afraid ,i'll tell somebody4 ,as every southerner knows1 elderly colored people rarely know how old they are1 and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs to them4 ,in an ,atlanta family there is employed an old chap named ,joshua ,bolton1 who has been with that family and the previous generation for more years than they can remember4 ,in view1 therefore1 of his advanced age1 it was with surprise that his employer received one day an application for a few days off1 in order that the old fellow might1 as he put it1 go up to de ole ,state of ,virginny to see his aunt4 ,your aunt must be pretty old1 was the employer's comment4 ,yassir1 said ,joshua4 ,she's pretty ole now4 ,i reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole4 ,one hundred and ten6 ,but what on earth is she doing up in ,virginia8 ,i don't jest know1 explained ,joshua1 but ,i understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother4 ,when ,bob ,burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large eastern college for women1 he began his remarks with the usual salutation1 ,young ladies of '#ig4 ,then in a horrified aside he added1 ,that's an awful age for a girl6 ,,the ,,parson 7about to improve the golden hour7--,when a man reaches your age1 ,mr4 ,dodd1 he cannot1 in the nature of things1 expect to live very much longer1 and ,i-- ,,the ,,nonagenarian--,i dunno1 parson4 ,i be stronger on my legs than ,i were when ,i started6 ,a well-meaning ,washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl4 ,it appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next day would be her birthday1 whereupon the suitor remarked that he would the next morning send her some roses1 one rose for each year4 ,that night he wrote a note to his florist1 ordering the delivery of twenty roses for the young woman4 ,the florist himself filled the order1 and1 thinking to improve on it1 said to his clerk3 ,here's an order from young ,jones for twenty roses4 ,he's one of my best customers1 so ,i'll throw in ten more for good measure4--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,a small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother1 when they were asked the customary question1 ,how old is the boy8 ,after being told the correct age1 which did not require a fare1 the conductor passed on to the next person4 ,the boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question1 and then1 concluding that full information had not been given1 called loudly to the conductor1 then at the other end of the car3 ,and mother's thirty-one6 ,the late ,john ,bigelow1 the patriarch of diplomats and authors1 and the no less distinguished physician and author1 ,dr4 ,s4 ,weir ,mitchell1 were together1 several years ago1 at ,west ,point4 ,dr4 ,bigelow was then ninety-two1 and ,dr4 ,mitchell eighty4 ,the conversation turned to the subject of age4 ,i attribute my many years1 said ,dr4 ,bigelow1 to the fact that ,i have been most abstemious4 ,i have eaten sparingly1 and have not used tobacco1 and have taken little exercise4 ,it is just the reverse in my case1 explained ,dr4 ,mitchell4 ,i have eaten just as much as ,i wished1 if ,i could get it2 ,i have always used tobacco1 immoderately at times2 and ,i have always taken a great deal of exercise4 ,with that1 ,ninety-,two-,years shook his head at ,eighty-,years and said1 ,well1 you will never live to be an old man6--,sarah ,bache ,hodge4 ,a wise man never puts away childish things4--,sidney ,dark4 ,to the old1 long life and treasure2 ,to the young1 all health and pleasure4 --,ben ,jonson4 ,youth is a blunder2 ,manhood a struggle2 ,old ,age a regret4--,disraeli4 ,we do not count a man's years1 until he has nothing else to count4--,emerson4 ,to be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old4--,o4,w4 ,holmes4 ,,agents ,john1 whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region8 ,one of the best men in the business4--,life4 ,,agriculture ,a farmer1 according to this definition1 is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town4 ,an agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm4 ,in certain parts of the west1 where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed1 the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time1 are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east4 ,last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture1 when his hired man came into the house4 ,why don't you stay in out of the rain8 asked the fruit-man4 ,i don't mind a little dew like this1 said the man4 ,i can work along just the same4 ,oh1 ,i'm not talking about that1 exclaimed the fruit-man4 ,the next time it rains1 you can come into the house4 ,i want that water on the land4 ,they used to have a farming rule ,of forty acres and a mule4 ,results were won by later men ,with forty square feet and a hen4 ,and nowadays success we see ,with forty inches and a bee4 --,wasp4 ,blessed be agriculture6 if one does not have too much of it4--,charles ,dudley ,warner4 ,when tillage begins1 other arts follow4 ,the farmers1 therefore1 are the founders of human civilization4--,daniel ,webster4 ,,alarm ,,clocks ,,mike 7in bed1 to alarm-clock as it goes off7--,i fooled yez that time4 ,i was not aslape at all4 ,,alertness ,alert8 repeated a congressman1 when questioned concerning one of his political opponents4 ,why1 he's alert as a ,providence bridegroom ,i heard of the other day4 ,you know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides1 and buy tickets only for themselves8 ,that is what happened to the ,providence young man4 ,and when his wife said to him1 ',why1 ,tom1 you bought only one ticket1' he answered without a moment's hesitation1 ',by ,jove1 you're right1 dear6 ,i'd forgotten myself entirely6' ,,alibi ,a party of ,manila army women were returning in an auto from a suburban excursion when the driver unfortunately collided with another vehicle4 ,while a policeman was taking down the names of those concerned an ,english-speaking ,filipino law-student politely asked one of the ladies how the accident had happened4 ,i'm sure ,i don't know1 she replied2 ,i was asleep when it occurred4 ,proud of his knowledge of the ,anglo-,saxon tongue1 the youth replied3 ,ah1 madam1 then you will be able to prove a lullaby4 ,,alimony ,what is alimony1 ma8 ,it is a man's cash surrender value4--,town ,topics ,the proof of the wedding is in the alimony4 ,,allowances ,why don't you give your wife an allowance8 ,i did once1 and she spent it before ,i could borrow it back4 ,,alternatives ,see ,choices4 ,,altruism ,,willie--,pa6 ,,pa--,yes4 ,,willie--,teacher says we're here to help others4 ,,pa--,of course we are4 ,,willie--,well1 what are the others here for8 ,there was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler4 ,there was a trout stream in his neighborhood that ran through a rich man's estate4 ,permits to fish the stream could now and then be obtained1 and the boy was lucky enough to have a permit4 ,one day he was fishing with another boy when a gamekeeper suddenly darted forth from a thicket4 ,the lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright1 dropped his rod1 and ran off at top speed4 ,the gamekeeper pursued4 ,for about half a mile the gamekeeper was led a swift and difficult chase4 ,then1 worn out1 the boy halted4 ,the man seized him by the arm and said between pants3 ,have you a permit to fish on this estate8 ,yes to be sure1 said the boy1 quietly4 ,you have8 ,then show it to me4 ,the boy drew the permit from his pocket4 ,the man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger4 ,why did you run when you had this permit8 he asked4 ,to let the other boy get away1 was the reply4 ,he didn't have none6 ,,ambition ,oliver ,herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night1 and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him4 ,have you no other ambition1 ,mr4 ,herford1 she demanded1 than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter8 ,yes1 ,herford had an ambition4 ,a whale of an ambition4 ,some day he hoped to gratify it4 ,the woman rested her elbows on the table and propped her face in her long1 sad hands1 and glowed into ,mr4 ,herford's eyes4 ,oh1 ,mr4 ,herford1 she said1 ,oliver6 ,tell me about it4 ,i want to throw an egg into an electric fan1 said ,herford1 simply4 ,hubby1 said the observant wife1 the janitor of these flats is a bachelor4 ,what of it8 ,i really think he is becoming interested in our oldest daughter4 ,there you go again with your pipe dreams6 ,last week it was a duke4 ,the chief end of a man in ,new ,york is dissipation2 in ,boston1 conversation4 ,when you are aspiring to the highest place1 it is honorable to reach the second or even the third rank4--,cicero4 ,the man who seeks one thing in life1 and but one1 ,may hope to achieve it before life be done2 ,but he who seeks all things1 wherever he goes1 ,only reaps from the hopes which around him he sows ,a harvest of barren regrets4 --,owen ,meredith ,,american ,,girl ,here's to the dearest ,of all things on earth4 7,dearest precisely-- ,and yet of full worth47 ,one who lays siege to ,susceptible hearts4 7,pocket-books also-- ,that's one of her arts67 ,drink to her1 toast her1 ,your banner unfurl-- ,here's to the priceless ,american ,girl6 --,walter ,pulitzer4 ,,americans ,eugene ,field was at a dinner in ,london when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the ,united ,states4 ,it was the general opinion that a large percentage of ,americans met death at the end of a rope4 ,finally the hostess turned to ,field and asked3 ,you1 sir1 must have often seen these affairs8 ,yes1 replied ,field1 hundreds of them4 ,oh1 do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself1 broke in half a dozen voices at once4 ,well1 the night before ,i sailed for ,england1 said ,field1 ,i was giving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table4 ,the gown was utterly ruined1 and the gentlemen of her party at once seized the waiter1 tied a rope around his neck1 and at a signal from the injured lady swung him into the air4 ,horrible6 said the hostess with a shudder4 ,and did you actually see this yourself8 ,well1 no1 admitted ,field apologetically4 ,just at that moment ,i happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the blanc mange4 ,you can always tell the ,english1 ,you can always tell the ,dutch1 ,you can always tell the ,yankees-- ,but you can't tell them much6 ,,amusements ,a newspaper thus defined amusements3 ,the ,friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years4 ,this can be laid to three causes1 viz43 the change of place in holding it1 deaths in families1 and other amusements4 ,i wish that my room had a floor2 ,i don't so much care for a door2 ,but this crawling around ,without touching the ground ,is getting to be quite a bore4 ,i am a great friend to public amusements2 for they keep people from vice4--,samuel ,johnson4 ,,anatomy ,,tommy--,my gran'pa wuz in th' civil war1 an' he lost a leg or a arm in every battle he fit in6 ,,johnny--,gee6 ,how many battles was he in8 ,,tommy--,about forty4 ,they thought more of the ,legion of ,honor in the time of the first ,napoleon than they do now4 ,the emperor one day met an old one-armed veteran4 ,how did you lose your arm8 he asked4 ,sire1 at ,austerlitz4 ,and were you not decorated8 ,no1 sire4 ,then here is my own cross for you2 ,i make you chevalier4 ,your ,majesty names me chevalier because ,i have lost one arm4 ,what would your ,majesty have done had ,i lost both arms8 ,oh1 in that case ,i should have made you ,officer of the ,legion4 ,whereupon the old soldier immediately drew his sword and cut off his other arm4 ,there is no particular reason to doubt this story4 ,the only question is1 how did he do it8 ,,ancestry ,a western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the ,declaration of ,independence4 ,at the time the salesman called1 the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve and flourish4 ,the salesman's patience becoming exhausted in waiting for the buyer to recognize him1 he finally observed3 ,you have a fine signature1 ,mr4 ,so-and-,so4 ,yes1 admitted the buyer1 ,i should have4 ,one of my forefathers signed the ,declaration of ,independence4 ,so8 said the caller1 with rising inflection4 ,and then he added3 ,vell1 you aind't got nottings on me4 ,one of my forefathers signed the ,ten ,commandments4 ,in a speech in the ,senate on ,hawaiian affairs1 ,senator ,depew of ,new ,york told this story3 ,when ,queen ,liliuokalani was in ,england during the ,english queen's jubilee1 she was received at ,buckingham ,palace4 ,in the course of the remarks that passed between the two queens1 the one from the ,sandwich ,islands said that she had ,english blood in her veins4 ,how so8 inquired ,victoria4 ,my ancestors ate ,captain ,cook4 ,signor ,marconi1 in an interview in ,washington1 praised ,american democracy4 ,over here1 he said1 you respect a man for what he is himself--not for what his family is--and thus you remind me of the gardener in ,bologna who helped me with my first wireless apparatus4 ,as my mother's gardener and ,i were working on my apparatus together a young count joined us one day1 and while he watched us work the count boasted of his lineage4 ,the gardener1 after listening a long while1 smiled and said3 ',if you come from an ancient family1 it's so much the worse for you sir2 for1 as we gardeners say1 the older the seed the worse the crop4' ,gerald1 said the young wife1 noticing how heartily he was eating1 do ,i cook as well as your mother did8 ,gerald put up his monocle1 and stared at her through it4 ,once and for all1 ,agatha1 he said1 ,i beg you will remember that although ,i may seem to be in reduced circumstances now1 ,i come of an old and distinguished family4 ,my mother was not a cook4 ,my ancestors came over in the ',mayflower4' ,that's nothing2 my father descended from an aroplane4--,life4 ,when in ,england1 ,governor ,foss1 of ,massachusetts1 had luncheon with a prominent ,englishman noted for boasting of his ancestry4 ,taking a coin from his pocket1 the ,englishman said3 ,my great-great-grandfather was made a lord by the king whose picture you see on this shilling4 ,indeed6 replied the governor1 smiling1 as he produced another coin4 ,what a coincidence6 ,my great-great-grandfather was made an angel by the ,indian whose picture you see on this cent4 ,people will not look forward to posterity1 who never look backward to their ancestors4--,burke4 ,from yon blue heavens above us bent1 ,the gardener ,adam and his wife ,smile at the claims of long descent4 --,tennyson4 ,,anger ,charlie and ,nancy had quarreled4 ,after their supper ,mother tried to re-establish friendly relations4 ,she told them of the ,bible verse1 ,let not the sun go down upon your wrath4 ,now1 ,charlie1 she pleaded1 are you going to let the sun go down on your wrath8 ,charlie squirmed a little4 ,then3 ,well1 how can ,i stop it8 ,when a husband loses his temper he usually finds his wife's4 ,it is easy enough to restrain our wrath when the other fellow is the bigger4 ,,anniversaries ,,mrs4 ,,jones--,does your husband remember your wedding anniversary8 ,,mrs4 ,,smith--,no2 so ,i remind him of it in ,january and ,june1 and get two presents4 ,,antidotes ,suppose1 asked the professor in chemistry1 that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid1 what would you administer8 ,the student who1 studying for the ministry1 took chemistry because it was obligatory in the course1 replied1 ,i would administer the sacrament4 ,,appearances ,how fat and well your little boy looks4 ,ah1 you should never judge from appearances4 ,he's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other4 ,,applause ,a certain theatrical troupe1 after a dreary and unsuccessful tour1 finally arrived in a small ,new ,jersey town4 ,that night1 though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience1 there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's dejected spirits4 ,the leading man stepped to the foot-lights after the first act and bowed profoundly4 ,still the clapping continued4 ,when he went behind the scenes he saw an ,irish stagehand laughing heartily4 ,well1 what do you think of that8 asked the actor1 throwing out his chest4 ,what d'ye mane8 replied the ,irishman4 ,why1 the hand-clapping out there1 was the reply4 ,hand-clapping8 ,yes1 said the ,thespian1 they are giving me enough applause to show they appreciate me4 ,d'ye call thot applause8 inquired the old fellow4 ,whoi1 thot's not applause4 ,thot's the audience killin' mosquitoes4 ,applause is the spur of noble minds1 the end and aim of weak ones4--,colton4 ,o ,popular ,applause6 what heart of man is proof against thy sweet1 seducing charms8--,cowper4 ,,arbitration ,,international ,a war was going on1 and one day1 the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle1 a woman said to her husband3 ,this slaughter is shocking4 ,it's fiendish4 ,can nothing he done to stop it8 ,i'm afraid not1 her husband answered4 ,why don't both sides come together and arbitrate8 she cried4 ,they did1 said he4 ,they did1 'way back in ,june4 ,that's how the gol-durned thing started4 ,,arithmetic ,he seems to be very clever4 ,yes1 indeed1 he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school4 ,,sonny--,aw1 pop1 ,i don't wanter study arithmetic4 ,,pop--,what6 a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseball scores and batting averages8 ,never6 ,,teacher--,now1 ,johnny1 suppose ,i should borrow #ajj from your father and should pay him #aj a month for ten months1 how much would ,i then owe him8 ,,johnny--,about #c interest4 ,see how ,i can count1 mama1 said ,kitty4 ,there's my right foot4 ,that's one4 ,there's my left foot4 ,that's two4 ,two and one make three4 ,three feet make a yard1 and ,i want to go out and play in it6 ,two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician1 said ,george ,c4 ,wiedenmayer the other day4 ,finally the captain of their ship proposed the following problem which each would try to work out3 ',if a fishing crew caught #ejj pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at #f cents a pound1 how much would they receive for the fish8' ,well1 the two old fellows got to work1 but neither seemed able to master the intricacies of the deal in fish1 and they were unable to get any answer4 ,at last old ,bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the problem4 ,the captain started off3 ',if a fishing crew caught #ejj pounds of cod and--4' ',wait a moment1' said ,bill1 'is it codfish they caught8' ',yep1' said the captain4 ',darn it all1' said ,bill4 ',no wonder ,i couldn't get an answer4 ,here ,i've been figuring on salmon all the time4' ,,armies ,a new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business1 was on sentry duty1 one night1 when a friend brought a pie from the canteen4 ,as he sat on the grass eating pie1 the major sauntered up in undress uniform4 ,the sentry1 not recognizing him1 did not salute1 and the major stopped and said3 ,what's that you have there8 ,pie1 said the sentry1 good-naturedly4 ,apple pie4 ,have a bite8 ,the major frowned4 ,do you know who ,i am8 he asked4 ,no1 said the sentry1 unless you're the major's groom4 ,the major shook his head4 ,guess again1 he growled4 ,the barber from the village8 ,no4 ,maybe--here the sentry laughed--maybe you're the major himself8 ,that's right4 ,i am the major1 was the stern reply4 ,the sentry scrambled to his feet4 ,good gracious6 he exclaimed4 ,hold the pie1 will you1 while ,i present arms6 ,the battle was going against him4 ,the commander-in-chief1 himself ruler of the ,south ,american republic1 sent an aide to the rear1 ordering ,general ,blanco to bring up his regiment at once4 ,ten minutes passed2 but it didn't come4 ,twenty1 thirty1 and an hour--still no regiment4 ,the aide came tearing back hatless1 breathless4 ,my regiment6 ,my regiment6 ,where is it8 ,where is it8 shrieked the commander4 ,general1 answered the excited aide1 ,blanco started it all right1 but there are a couple of drunken ,americans down the road and they won't let it go by4 ,an army officer decided to see for himself how his sentries were doing their duty4 ,he was somewhat surprised at overhearing the following3 ,halt6 ,who goes there8 ,friend--with a bottle4 ,pass1 friend4 ,halt1 bottle4 ,a war is a fearful thing1 said ,mr4 ,dolan4 ,it is1 replied ,mr4 ,rafferty4 ,when you see the fierceness of members of the army toward one another1 the fate of a common enemy must be horrible4 ,see also ,military ,discipline4 ,,army ,,rations ,the colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in ,virginia came across a private on the outskirts of the camp1 painfully munching on something4 ,his face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest effort4 ,what are you eating8 demanded the colonel4 ,persimmons1 sir4 ,good ,heavens6 ,haven't you got any more sense than to eat persimmons at this time of the year8 ,they'll pucker the very stomach out of you4 ,i know1 sir4 ,that's why ,i'm eatin' 'em4 ,i'm tryin' to shrink me stomach to fit me rations4 ,on the occasion of the annual encampment of a western militia1 one of the soldiers1 a clerk who lived well at home1 was experiencing much difficulty in disposing of his rations4 ,a fellow-sufferer nearby was watching with no little amusement the first soldier's attempts to ,fletcherize a piece of meat4 ,any trouble1 ,tom8 asked the second soldier sarcastically4 ,none in particular1 was the response4 ,then1 after a sullen survey of the bit of beef he held in his hand1 the amateur fighter observed3 ,bill1 ,i now fully realize what people mean when they speak of the sinews of war4--,howard ,morse4 ,,art ,there was an old sculptor named ,phidias1 ,whose knowledge of ,art was invidious4 ,he carved ,aphrodite ,without any nightie-- ,which startled the purely fastidious4 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,the friend had dropped in to see ,d',auber1 the great animal painter1 put the finishing touches on his latest painting4 ,he was mystified1 however1 when ,d',auber took some raw meat and rubbed it vigorously over the painted rabbit in the foreground4 ,why on earth did you do that8 he asked4 ,why you see1 explained ,d',auber1 ,mrs ,millions is coming to see this picture today4 ,when she sees her pet poodle smell that rabbit1 and get excited over it1 she'll buy it on the spot4 ,a young artist once persuaded ,whistler to come and view his latest effort4 ,the two stood before the canvas for some moments in silence4 ,finally the young man asked timidly1 ,don't you think1 sir1 that this painting of mine is--well--er--tolerable8 ,whistler's eyes twinkled dangerously4 ,what is your opinion of a tolerable egg8 he asked4 ,the amateur artist was painting sunset1 red with blue streaks and green dots4 ,the old rustic1 at a respectful distance1 was watching4 ,ah1 said the artist looking up suddenly1 perhaps to you1 too1 ,nature has opened her sky picture page by page6 ,have you seen the lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east2 the red-stained1 sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west2 the ragged clouds at midnight1 black as a raven's wing1 blotting out the shuddering moon8 ,no1 replied the rustic1 not since ,i give up drink4 ,art is indeed not the bread but the wine of life4--,jean ,paul ,richter4 ,now nature is not at variance with art1 nor art with nature2 they being both the servants of ,his providence4 ,art is the perfection of nature4 ,were the world now as it was the sixth day1 there were yet a chaos4 ,nature hath made one world1 and art another4 ,in brief1 all things are artificial2 for nature is the art of ,god4--,sir ,thomas ,browne4 ,,artists ,,artist--,i'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose4 ,,critic--,why not give it to an institution for the blind8 ,wealth has its penalties4 said the ready-made philosopher4 ,yes1 replied ,mr4 ,cumrox4 ,i'd rather be back at the dear old factory than learning to pronounce the names of the old masters in my picture-gallery4 ,,critic--,by ,george1 old chap1 when ,i look at one of your paintings ,i stand and wonder-- ,,artist--,how ,i do it8 ,,critic ,no2 why you do it4 ,he that seeks popularity in art closes the door on his own genius3 as he must needs paint for other minds1 and not for his own4--,mrs4 ,jameson4 ,,athletes ,the caller's eye had caught the photograph of ,tommie ,billups1 standing on the desk of ,mr4 ,billups4 ,that your boy1 ,billups8 he asked4 ,yes1 said ,billups1 he's a sophomore up at ,binkton ,college4 ,looks intellectual rather than athletic1 said the caller4 ,oh1 he's an athlete all right1 said ,billups4 ,when it comes to running up accounts1 and jumping his board-bill1 and lifting his voice1 and throwing a thirty-two pound bluff1 there isn't a gladiator in creation that can give my boy ,tommie any kind of a handicap4 ,he's just written for an extra check4 ,and as a proud father you are sending it1 ,i don't doubt1 smiled the caller4 ,yes1 grinned ,billups2 ,i am sending him a rain-check ,i got at the hall-game yesterday4 ,as an athlete1 he'll appreciate its value4--,j4,k4,b4 ,,attention ,the supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation4 ,to the children he said1 ,now1 children1 tell me a number to put on the board4 ,some child said1 ,thirty-six4 ,the supervisor wrote sixty-three4 ,he asked for another number1 and seventy-six was given4 ,he wrote sixty-seven4 ,when a third number was asked1 a child who apparently had paid no attention called out3 ,theventy-theven4 ,change that you thucker6 ,,authors ,the following is a recipe for an author3 ,take the usual number of fingers1 ,add paper1 manila or white1 ,a typewriter1 plenty of postage ,and something or other to write4 --,life4 ,oscar ,wilde1 upon hearing one of ,whistler's bon mots exclaimed3 ,oh1 ,jimmy2 ,i wish ,i had said that6 ,never mind1 dear ,oscar1 was the rejoinder1 you will6 ,,the ,,author--,would you advise me to get out a small edition8 ,,the ,,publisher--,yes1 the smaller the better4 ,the more scarce a book is at the end of four or five centuries the more money you realize from it4 ,,ambitious ,,author--,hurray6 ,five dollars for my latest story1 ',the ,call of the ,lure6' ,,fast ,,friend--,who from8 ,,ambitious ,,author--,the express company4 ,they lost it4 ,a lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in receiving the guests4 ,he stood the entertainment as long as he could--three authors1 to be exact--and then made an excuse that he was going to open the front door to let in some fresh air4 ,in the hall he found one of the servants asleep on a settee4 ,wake up6 he commanded1 shaking the fellow roughly4 ,what does this mean1 your being asleep out here8 ,you must have been listening at the keyhole4 ,an ambitious young man called upon a publisher and stated that he had decided to write a book4 ,may ,i venture to inquire as to the nature of the book you propose to write8 asked the publisher1 very politely4 ,oh1 came in an offhand way from the aspirant to literary fame1 ,i think of doing something on the line of ',les ,miserables1' only livelier1 you know4 ,so you have had a long siege of nervous prostration8 we say to the haggard author4 ,what caused it8 ,overwork8 ,in a way1 yes1 he answers weakly4 ,i tried to do a novel with a ,robert ,w4 ,chambers hero and a ,mary ,e4 ,wilkins heroine4--,life4 ,mark ,twain at a dinner at the ,authors' ,club said3 ,speaking of fresh eggs1 ,i am reminded of the town of ,squash4 ,in my early lecturing days ,i went to ,squash to lecture in ,temperance ,hall1 arriving in the afternoon4 ,the town seemed very poorly billed4 ,i thought ,i'd find out if the people knew anything at all about what was in store for them4 ,so ,i turned in at the general store4 ',good afternoon1 friend1' ,i said to the general storekeeper4 ',any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away his evening8' ,the general storekeeper1 who was sorting mackerels1 straightened up1 wiped his briny hands on his apron1 and said3 ',i expect there's goin' to be a lecture4 ,i've been sellin' eggs all day4 ,an ,american friend of ,edmond ,rostand says that the great dramatist once told him of a curious encounter he had had with a local magistrate in a town not far from his own4 ,it appears that ,rostand had been asked to register the birth of a friend's newly arrived son4 ,the clerk at the registry office was an officious little chap1 bent on carrying out the letter of the law4 ,the following dialogue ensued3 ,your name1 sir8 ,edmond ,rostand4 ,vocation8 ,man of letters1 and member of the ,french ,academy4 ,very well1 sir4 ,you must sign your name4 ,can you write8 ,if not1 you may make a cross4--,howard ,morse4 ,george ,w4 ,cable1 the southern writer1 was visiting a western city where he was invited to inspect the new free library4 ,the librarian conducted the famous writer through the building until they finally reached the department of books devoted to fiction4 ,we have all your books1 ,mr4 ,cable1 proudly said the librarian4 ,you see there they are--all of them on the shelves there3 not one missing4 ,and ,mr4 ,cable's hearty laugh was not for the reason that the librarian thought6 ,brief ,history of a ,successful ,author3 ,from ink-pots to flesh-pots--,r4,r4 ,kirk4 ,it took me nearly ten years to learn that ,i couldn't write stories4 ,i suppose you gave it up then8 ,no1 no4 ,by that time ,i had a reputation4 ,i dream my stories1 said ,hicks1 the author4 ,how you must dread going to bed6 exclaimed ,cynicus4 ,the five-year-old son of ,james ,oppenheim1 author of ,the ,olympian1 was recently asked what work he was going to do when he became a man4 ,oh1 ,ralph replied1 ,i'm not going to work at all4 ,well1 what are you going to do1 then8 he was asked4 ,why1 he said seriously1 ,i'm just going to write stories1 like daddy4 ,william ,dean ,howells is the kindliest of critics1 but now and then some popular novelist's conceit will cause him to bristle up a little4 ,you know1 said one1 fishing for compliments1 ,i get richer and richer1 but all the same ,i think my work is falling off4 ,my new work is not so good as my old4 ,oh1 nonsense6 said ,mr4 ,howells4 ,you write just as well as you ever did4 ,your taste is improving1 that's all4 ,james ,oliver ,curwood1 a novelist1 tells of a recent encounter with the law4 ,the value of a short story he was writing depended upon a certain legal situation which he found difficult to manage4 ,going to a lawyer of his acquaintance he told him the plot and was shown a way to the desired end4 ,you've saved me just #ajj1 he exclaimed1 for that's what ,i am going to get for this story4 ,a week later he received a bill from the lawyer as follows3 ,for literary advice1 #ajj4 ,he says he paid4 ,tried to skin me1 that scribbler did6 ,what did he want8 ,wanted to get out a book jointly1 he to write the book and ,i to write the advertisements4 ,i turned him down4 ,i wasn't going to do all the literary work4 ,at a ,london dinner recently the conversation turned to the various methods of working employed by literary geniuses4 ,among the examples cited was that of a well-known poet1 who1 it is said1 was wont to arouse his wife about four o'clock in the morning and exclaim1 ,maria1 get up2 ,i've thought of a good word6 ,whereupon the poet's obedient helpmate would crawl out of bed and make a note of the thought-of word4 ,about an hour later1 like as not1 a new inspiration would seize the bard1 whereupon he would again arouse his wife1 saying1 ,maria1 ,maria1 get up6 ,i've thought of a better word6 ,the company in general listened to the story with admiration1 but a merry-eyed ,american girl remarked3 ,well1 if he'd been my husband ,i should have replied1 ',alpheus1 get up yourself2 ,i've thought of a bad word6' ,there is probably no hell for authors in the next world--they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this4--,bovee4 ,a thought upon my forehead1 ,my hand up to my face2 ,i want to be an author1 ,an air of studied grace6 ,i want to be an author1 ,with genius on my brow2 ,i want to be an author1 ,and ,i want to be it now6 --,ella ,hutchison ,ellwanger4 ,that writer does the most1 who gives his reader the most knowledge1 and takes from him the least time4--,c4,c4 ,colton4 ,habits of close attention1 thinking heads1 ,become more rare as dissipation spreads1 ,till authors hear at length one general cry ,tickle and entertain us1 or we die6 --,cowper4 ,the author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother who talks about her own children4--,disraeli4 ,,automobiles ,,teacher--,if a man saves #b a week1 how long will it take him to save a thousand8 ,,boy--,he never would1 ma'am4 ,after he got #ijj he'd buy a car4 ,how fast is your car1 ,jimpson8 asked ,harkaway4 ,well1 said ,jimpson1 it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally4 ,what is the name of your automobile8 ,i don't know4 ,you don't know8 ,what do your folks call it8 ,oh1 as to that1 father always says ',the ,mortgage'2 brother ,tom calls it ',the ,fake'2 mother1 ',my ,limousine'2 sister1 ',our ,car'2 grandma1 ',that ,peril'2 the chauffeur1 ',some ,freak1' and our neighbors1 ',the ,limit4'--,life4 ,what little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the 'dead8' asked the ,sunday-school teacher4 ,willie waved his hand frantically4 ,well1 ,willie8 ,please1 ma'am1 the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of automobiles2 the ones that don't are the 'dead4' ,do you have much trouble with your automobile8 ,trouble6 ,say1 ,i couldn't have more if ,i was married to the blamed machine4 ,a little ,brush chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track4 ,the gate-keeper1 demanding the usual fee for automobiles1 called3 ,a dollar for the car6 ,the owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said3 ,sold6 ,autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread4 ,see also ,fords2 ,profanity4 ,,automobiling ,sorry1 gentlemen1 said the new constable1 but ,i'll hev to run ye in4 ,we been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left ,huckleberry ,corners4 ,why1 that's nonsense6 said ,dubbleigh4 ,it's taken us four hours to come twenty miles1 thanks to a flabby tire4 ,that's only five miles an hour4 ,sure6 said the new constable1 but the speed law round these here parts is ten mile an hour1 and by ,jehosophat ,i'm goin' to make you ottermobile fellers live up to it4 ,two street pedlers in ,bradford1 ,england1 bought a horse for #aa4be4 ,it was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them #aae for the loss4 ,thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of ,england4 ,it was very romantic1 says the friend4 ,he proposed to her in the automobile4 ,yes8 we murmur1 encouragingly4 ,and she accepted him in the hospital4 ,what you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed1 said the visitor4 ,that goes to show1 replied ,farmer ,corntassel1 how little you reformers understand local conditions4 ,i've purty nigh paid off a mortgage with the money ,i made haulm' automobiles out o' that mud-hole4 ,the old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town when a huge automobile bore down upon them4 ,the horse was badly frightened and began to prance1 whereupon the old lady leaped down and waved wildly to the chauffeur1 screaming at the top of her voice4 ,the chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past4 ,that's all right1 said the boy1 who remained composedly in the carriage1 ,i can manage the horse4 ,you just lead ,mother past4 ,what makes you carry that horrible shriek machine for an automobile signal8 ,for humane reasons4 replied ,mr4 ,chugging4 ,if ,i can paralyze a person with fear he will keep still and ,i can run to one side of him4 ,in certain sections of ,west ,virginia there is no liking for automobilists1 as was evidenced in the case of a ,washingtonian who was motoring in a sparsely settled region of the ,state4 ,this gentleman was haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of a constable4 ,the magistrate1 a good-natured man1 was not1 however1 absolutely certain that the ,washingtonian's car had been driven too fast2 and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour4 ,why1 your ,honor1 he said1 my engine was out of order1 and ,i was going very slowly because ,i was afraid it would break down completely4 ,i give you my word1 sir1 you could have walked as fast as ,i was running4 ,well1 said the magistrate1 after due reflection1 you don't appear to have been exceeding the speed limit1 but at the same time you must have been guilty of something1 or you wouldn't be here4 ,i fine you ten dollars for loitering4--,fenimore ,martin4 ,,aviation ,the aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship4 ,wait a minute1 ,george1 she said4 ,i'm afraid we will have to go down again4 ,what's wrong8 asked her husband4 ,i believe ,i have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket4 ,i think ,i can see it glistening on the ground4 ,keep your seat1 my dear1 said the aviator1 that's ,lake ,erie4 ,,aviator 7to young assistant1 who has begun to be frightened7--,well1 what do you want now8 ,,assistant 7whimpering7--,i want the earth4--,abbie ,c4 ,dixon4 ,when ,claude ,grahame-,white the famous aviator1 author of ,the ,aeroplane in ,war1 was in this country not long ago1 he was spending a week-end at a country home4 ,he tells the following story of an incident that was very amusing to him4 ,the first night that ,i arrived1 a dinner party was given4 ,feeling very enthusiastic over the recent flights1 ,i began to tell the young woman who was my partner at the table of some of the details of the aviation sport4 ,it was not until the dessert was brought on that ,i realized that ,i had been doing all the talking2 indeed1 the young woman seated next me had not uttered a single word since ,i first began talking about aviation4 ,perhaps she was not interested in the subject1 ,i thought1 although to an enthusiast like me it seemed quite incredible4 ',i am afraid ,i have been boring you with this shop talk1 ,i said1 feeling as if ,i should apologize4 ',oh1 not at all1' she murmured1 in very polite tones2 'but would you mind telling me1 what is aviation8'--,m4,a4 ,hitchcock4 ,,aviators ,little drops in water-- ,little drops on land-- ,make the aviator1 ,join the heavenly band4 --,satire4 ,are you an experienced aviator8 ,well1 sir1 ,i have been at it six weeks and ,i am all here4--,life4 ,,babies ,see ,children4 ,,baccalaureate ,,sermons ,,proud ,,father--,rick1 my boy1 if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family4 ,,valedictorian-,i expect to do better than that1 father4 ,i am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon4 ,,bacteria ,there once were some learned ,m4,d4's1 ,who captured some germs of disease1 ,and infected a train ,which1 without causing pain1 ,allowed one to catch it with ease4 ,two doctors met in the hall of the hospital4 ,well1 said the first1 what's new this morning8 ,i've got a most curious case4 ,woman1 cross-eyed2 in fact1 so cross-eyed that when she cries the tears run down her back4 ,what are you doing for her8 ,just now1 was the answer1 we're treating her for bacteria4 ,,badges ,mrs4 ,philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting4 ,she was a short1 plump woman4 ,addie1 run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette1 the temperance badge1 she directed her maid4 ,i have forgotten it4 ,you will know it1 ,addie--blue ribbon and gold lettering4 ,yas'm1 ,i knows it right well4 ,addie could not read1 but she knew a blue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it1 and therefore had not trouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of her mistress4 ,at the meeting ,mrs4 ,philpots was too busy greeting her friends to note that they smiled when they shook hands with her4 ,when she reached home supper was served1 so she went directly to the dining-room1 where the other members of the family were seated4 ,gracious me1 ,mother6 exclaimed her son3 that blue ribbon--you haven't been wearing that at the temperance meeting8 ,a loud laugh went up on all sides4 ,why1 what is it1 ,harry8 asked the good woman1 clutching at the ribbon in surprise4 ,why1 ,mother dear1 didn't you know that was the ribbon ,i won at the show8 ,the gold lettering on the ribbon read3 ,,interstate ,,poultry ,,show ,first ,prize ,bantam ,,baggage ,an ,aberdonian went to spend a few days in ,london with his son1 who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis4 ,after their first greetings at ,king's ,cross ,station1 the young fellow remarked3 ,feyther1 you are not lookin' weel4 ,is there anything the matter8 ,the old man replied1 ,aye1 lad1 ,i have had quite an accident4 ,what was that1 feyther8 ,mon1 he said1 on this journey frae bonnie ,scotland ,i lost my luggage4 ,dear1 dear1 that's too bad2 'oo did it happen8 ,aweel replied the ,aberdonian1 the cork cam' oot4 ,johnnie ,poe1 one of the famous ,princeton football family1 and incidentally a great-nephew of ,edgar ,allan ,poe1 was a general in the army of ,honduras in one of their recent wars4 ,finally1 when things began to look black with peace and the ,american general discovered that his princely pay when translated into ,united ,states money was about sixty cents a day1 he struck for the coast4 ,there he found a ,united ,states warship and asked transportation home4 ,sure1 the commander told him4 ,we'll be glad to have you4 ,come aboard whenever you like and bring your luggage4 ,thanks1 said ,poe warmly4 ,i'll sure do that4 ,i only have fifty-four pieces4 ,what6 exclaimed the commander4 ,what do you think ,i'm running8 ,a freighter8 ,oh1 well1 you needn't get excited about it1 purred ,poe4 ,my fifty-four pieces consist of one pair of socks and a pack of playing cards4 ,,baldness ,one mother who still considers ,marcel waves as the most fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job4 ,her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap1 watching her mother4 ,every once in a while the baby fingers would slide over the smooth and glossy pate which is ,father's4 ,no waves for you1 ,father1 remarked the little one4 ,you're all beach4 ,were any of your boyish ambitions ever realized8 asked the sentimentalist4 ,yes1 replied the practical person4 ,when my mother used to cut my hair ,i often wished ,i might be bald-headed4 ,congressman ,longworth is not gifted with much hair1 his head being about as shiny as a billiard ball4 ,one day ex-president ,taft1 then ,secretary of ,war1 and ,congressman ,longworth sallied into a barbershop4 ,hair cut8 asked the barber of ,longworth4 ,yes1 answered the ,congressman4 ,oh1 no1 ,nick1 commented the ,secretary of ,war from the next chair1 you don't want a hair cut2 you want a shine4 ,o1 ,mother1 why are the men in the front baldheaded8 ,they bought their tickets from scalpers1 my child4 ,the costumer came forward to attend to the nervous old beau who was mopping his bald and shining poll with a big silk handkerchief4 ,and what can ,i do for you8 he asked4 ,i want a little help in the way of a suggestion1 said the old fellow4 ,i intend going to the ,french ,students' masquerade ball to-night1 and ,i want a distinctly original costume--something ,i may be sure no one else will wear4 ,what would you suggest8 ,the costumer looked him over attentively1 bestowing special notice on the gleaming knob4 ,well1 ,i'll tell you1 he said then1 thoughtfully3 why don't you sugar your head and go as a pill8--,frank ,x4 ,finnegan4 ,united ,states ,senator ,ollie ,james1 of ,kentucky1 is bald4 ,does being bald bother you much8 a candid friend asked him once4 ,yes1 a little1 answered the truthful ,james4 ,i suppose you feel the cold severely in winter1 went on the friend4 ,no2 it's not that so much1 said the ,senator4 ,the main bother is when ,i'm washing myself--unless ,i keep my hat on ,i don't know where my face stops4 ,a near-sighted old lady at a dinner-party1 one evening1 had for her companion on the left a very bald-headed old gentleman4 ,while talking to the gentleman at her right she dropped her napkin unconsciously4 ,the bald-headed gentleman1 in stooping to pick it up1 touched her arm4 ,the old lady turned around1 shook her head1 and very politely said3 ,no melon1 thank you4 ,,banks ,,and ,,banking ,during a financial panic1 a ,german farmer went to a bank for some money4 ,he was told that the bank was not paying out money1 but was using cashier's checks4 ,he could not understand this1 and insisted on money4 ,the officers took him in hand1 one after another1 with little effect4 ,at last the president tried his hand1 and after long and minute explanation1 some inkling of the situation seemed to be dawning on the farmer's mind4 ,much encouraged1 the president said3 ,you understand now how it is1 don't you1 ,mr44 ,schmidt8 ,i t'ink ,i do1 admitted ,mr4 ,schmidt4 ,it's like dis1 aindt it8 ,ven my baby vakes up at night and vants some milk1 ,i gif him a milk ticket4 ,she advanced to the paying teller's window and1 handing in a check for fifty dollars1 stated that it was a birthday present from her husband and asked for payment4 ,the teller informed her that she must first endorse it4 ,i don't know what you mean1 she said hesitatingly4 ,why1 you see1 he explained1 you must write your name on the back1 so that when we return the check to your husband1 he will know we have paid you the money4 ,oh1 is that all8 she said1 relieved4444 ,one minute elapses4 ,thus the endorsement3 ,many thanks1 dear1 ,i've got the money4 ,your loving wife1 ,evelyn4 ,,friend--,so you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the bank1 shot the cashier1 and got away with the ten thousand8 ,,banker--,yes1 indeed4 ,he was entirely too fresh4 ,there's a decent way to do that1 you know4 ,if he wanted to get the money1 why didn't he come into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did8--,puck4 ,,baptism ,a revival was being held at a small colored ,baptist church in southern ,georgia4 ,at one of the meetings the evangelist1 after an earnest but fruitless exhortation1 requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to stand up4 ,one old darky remained sitting4 ,don' yo' want y' soul washed w'ite as snow1 ,brudder ,jones8 ,mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow1 pahson4 ,whah wuz yo' soul washed w'ite as snow1 ,brudder ,jones8 ,over yander to the ,methodis' chu'ch acrost de railroad4 ,brudder ,jones1 yo' soul wa'n't washed--hit were dry-cleaned4--,life4 ,,baptists ,an old colored man first joined the ,episcopal ,church1 then the ,methodist and next the ,baptist1 where he remained4 ,questioned as to the reason for his church travels he responded3 ,well1 suh1 hit's this way3 de ',piscopals is gemmen1 suh1 but ,i couldn't keep up wid de answerin' back in dey church4 ,de ,methodis'1 dey always holdin' inquiry meetin'1 and ,i don't like too much inquirin' into4 ,but de ,baptis'1 suh1 dey jes' dip and are done wid hit4 ,a ,methodist negro exhorter shouted3 ,come up en jine de army ob de ,lohd4 ,i'se done jined1 replied one of the congregation4 ,whar'd yoh jine8 asked the exhorter4 ,in de ,baptis' ,chu'ch4 ,why1 chile1 said the exhorter1 yoh ain't in the army2 yoh's in de navy4 ,,bargains ,,manager 7five-and-ten-cent store7--,what did the lady who just went out want8 ,,shopgirl--,she inquired if we had a shoe department4 ,hades1 said the lady who loves to shop1 would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and ,i looking on without a cent4 ,newell ,dwight ,hillis1 the now famous ,new ,york preacher and author1 some years ago took charge of the ,first ,presbyterian ,church of ,evanston1 ,illinois4 ,shortly after going there he required the services of a physician1 and on the advice of one of his parishioners called in a doctor noted for his ability properly to emphasize a good story1 but who attended church very rarely4 ,he proved very satisfactory to the young preacher1 but for some reason could not be induced to render a bill4 ,finally ,dr4 ,hillis1 becoming alarmed at the inroads the bill might make in his modest stipend1 went to the physician and said1 ,see here1 ,doctor1 ,i must know how much ,i owe you4 ,after some urging1 the physician replied3 ,well1 ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do with you1 ,hillis4 ,they say you're a pretty good preacher1 and you seem to think ,i am a fair doctor1 so ,i'll make this bargain with you4 ,i'll do all ,i can to keep you out of heaven if you do all you can to keep me out of hell1 and it won't cost either of us a cent4 ,is it a go8 ,my wife and myself are trying to get up a list of club magazines4 ,by taking three you get a discount4 ,how are you making out8 ,well1 we can get one that ,i don't want1 and one that she doesn't want1 and one that neither wants for #b4be4 ,,baseball ,a run in time saves the nine4 ,knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler4--,abe ,martin4 ,plague take that girl6 ,my friend1 that is the most beautiful girl in this town4 ,that may be4 ,but she obstructs my view of second base4 ,when ,miss ,cheney1 one of the popular teachers in the ,swarthmore schools1 had to deal with a boy who played hookey1 she failed to impress him with the evil of his ways4 ,don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to play baseball8 asked ,miss ,cheney4 ,yessum1 replied the lad promptly4 ,some of 'em gets to be good players and pitch in the big leagues4 ,,baths ,,and ,,bathing ,the only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from ,kansas4 ,the next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out4 ,well1 did you have a good night's rest8 the clerk asked4 ,no1 ,i didn't1 replied the ,kansan4 ,the room was all right1 and the bed was pretty good1 but ,i couldn't sleep very much for ,i was afraid some one would want to take a bath1 and the only door to it was through my room4 ,,rural ,,constable-,now then1 come out o' that4 ,bathing's not allowed 'ere after #h a4m4 ,,the ,,face ,,in ,,the ,,water-,excuse me1 ,sergeant1 ,i'm not bathing2 ,i'm only drowning4--,punch4 ,a woman and her brother lived alone in the ,scotch ,highlands4 ,she knitted gloves and garments to sell in the ,lowland towns4 ,once when she was starting out to market her wares1 her brother said he would go with her and take a dip in the ocean4 ,while the woman was in the town selling her work1 ,sandy was sporting in the waves4 ,when his sister came down to join him1 however1 he met her with a wry face4 ,oh1 ,kirstie1 he said1 ,i've lost me weskit4 ,they hunted high and low1 but finally as night settled down decided that the waves must have carried it out to sea4 ,the next year1 at about the same season1 the two again visited the town4 ,and while ,kirstie sold her wool in the town1 ,sandy splashed about in the brine4 ,when ,kirstie joined her brother she found him with a radiant face1 and he cried out to her1 ,oh1 ,kirstie1 ,i've found me weskit4 ',twas under me shirt4 ,in one of the lesser ,indian hill wars an ,english detachment took an ,afghan prisoner4 ,the ,afghan was very dirty4 ,accordingly two privates were deputed to strip and wash him4 ,the privates dragged the man to a stream of running water1 undressed him1 plunged him in1 and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and large cakes of white soap4 ,after a long time one of the privates came back to make a report4 ,he saluted his officer and said disconsolately3 ,it's no use1 sir4 ,it's no use4 ,no use8 said the officer4 ,what do you mean8 ,haven't you washed that ,afghan yet8 ,it's no use1 sir1 the private repeated4 ,we've washed him for two hours1 but it's no use4 ,how do you mean it's no use8 said the officer angrily4 ,why1 sir1 said the private1 after rubbin' him and scrubbin' him till our arms ached ,i'll be hanged if we didn't come to another suit of clothes4 ,,bazars ,once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared1 and1 pointing his pistol1 began to relieve his victim of his money4 ,the thief1 however1 apparently suffered some pangs of remorse4 ,it's pretty rough to be gone through like this1 ain't it1 sir8 he inquired4 ,oh1 that's all right1 my man1 the held-up one answered cheerfully4 ,i was on my way to a bazar4 ,you're first1 and there's an end of it4 ,,beards ,there was an old man with a beard1 ,who said1 ,it is just as ,i feared6-- ,two owls and a hen1 ,four larks and a wren1 ,have all built their nests in my beard4 ,,beauty ,if eyes were made for seeing1 ,then beauty is its own excuse for being4 --,emerson4 ,a thing of beauty is a joy forever2 ,its loveliness increases2 it will never ,pass into nothingness2 but still will keep ,a bower quiet for us1 and a sleep ,full of sweet dreams1 and health1 and quiet breathing4 ,,beauty1 ,,personal ,in good looks ,i am not a star4 ,there are others more lovely by far4 ,but my face--,i don't mind it1 ,because ,i'm behind it-- ,it's the people in front that ,i jar4 ,shine yer boots1 sir8 ,no1 snapped the man4 ,shine 'em so's yer can see yer face in 'em8 urged the bootblack4 ,no1 ,i tell you6 ,coward1 hissed the bootblack4 ,a farmer returning home late at night1 found a man standing beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand4 ,what are you doing here8 he asked1 savagely1 suspecting he had caught a criminal4 ,for answer came a chuckle1 and--,it's only mee1 zur4 ,the farmer recognized ,john1 his shepherd4 ,it's you1 ,john1 is it8 ,what on earth are you doing here this time o' night8 ,another chuckle4 ,i'm a-coortin' ,ann1 zur4 ,and so you've come courting with a lantern1 you fool4 ,why ,i never took a lantern when ,i courted your mistress4 ,no1 zur1 you didn't1 zur1 ,john chuckled4 ,we can all zee you didn't1 zur4 ,the senator and the major were walking up the avenue4 ,the senator was more than middle-aged and considerably more than fat1 and1 dearly as the major loved him1 he also loved his joke4 ,the senator turned with a pleased expression on his benign countenance and said1 ,major1 did you see that pretty girl smile at me8 ,oh1 that's nothing1 replied his friend4 ,the first time ,i saw you ,i laughed out loud6--,harper's ,magazine4 ,pat1 thinking to enliven the party1 stated1 with watch in hand3 ,i'll presint a box of candy to the loidy that makes the homeliest face within the next three minutes4 ,the time expired1 ,pat announced3 ,ah1 ,mrs4 ,mc,guire1 you get the prize4 ,but1 protested ,mrs4 ,mc,guire1 go way wid ye6 ,i wasn't playin' at all4 ,,arthur--,they say dear1 that people who live together get to look alike4 ,,kate--,then you must consider my refusal as final4 ,in the negro car of a railway train in one of the gulf states a bridal couple were riding--a very light1 rather good looking colored girl and a typical full blooded negro of possibly a reverted type1 with receding forehead1 protruding eyes1 broad1 flat nose very thick lips and almost no chin4 ,he was positively and aggressively ugly4 ,they had been married just before boarding the train and1 like a good many of their white brothers and sisters1 were very much interested in each other1 regardless of the amusement of their neighbors4 ,after various billings and cooings the man sank down in the seat and1 resting his head on the lady's shoulder1 looked soulfully up into her eyes4 ,she looked fondly down upon him and after a few minutes murmured gently1 ,laws1 honey1 ain't yo' shamed to be so han'some8 ,little dabs of powder1 ,little specks of paint1 ,make my lady's freckles ,look as if they ain't4 --,mary ,a4 ,fairchild4 ,he kissed her on the cheek1 ,it seemed a harmless frolic2 ,he's been laid up a week ,they say1 with painter's colic4 --,the ,christian ,register4 ,,mother 7to inquisitive child7--,stand aside4 ,don't you see the gentleman wants to take the lady's picture8 ,why does he want to8--,life4 ,one day1 while walking with a friend in ,san ,francisco1 a professor and his companion became involved in an argument as to which was the handsomer man of the two4 ,not being able to arrive at a settlement of the question1 they agreed1 in a spirit of fun1 to leave it to the decision of a ,chinaman who was seen approaching them4 ,the matter being laid before him1 the ,oriental considered long and carefully2 then he announced in a tone of finality1 ,both are worse4 ,what a homely woman6 ,sir1 that is my wife4 ,i'll have you understand it is a woman's privilege to be homely4 ,gee1 then she abused the privilege4 ,beauty is worse than wine2 it intoxicates both the holder and the beholder4--,zimmermann4 ,,beds ,a western politician tells the following story as illustrating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country4 ,upon his arrival at one of the small towns in ,south ,dakota1 where he was to make a speech the following day1 he found that the so-called hotel was crowded to the doors4 ,not having telegraphed for accommodations1 the politician discovered that he would have to make shift as best he could4 ,accordingly1 he was obliged for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had only some blankets and a sheet on it4 ,as the politician is an extremely fat man1 he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable4 ,how did you sleep8 asked a friend in the morning4 ,fairly well1 answered the fat man1 but ,i looked like a waffle when ,i got up4 ,,beer ,a man to whom illness was chronic1 ,when told that he needed a tonic1 ,said1 ,o ,doctor dear1 ,won't you please make it beer8 ,no1 no1 said the ,doc41 that's ,teutonic4 ,,bees ,,teacher--,tommy1 do you know ',how ,doth the ,little ,busy ,bee'8 ,,tommy--,no2 ,i only know he doth it6 ,,beetles ,now doth the frisky ,june ,bug ,bring forth his aeroplane1 ,and try to make a record1 ,and busticate his brain6 ,he bings against the mirror1 ,he bangs against the door1 ,he caroms on the ceiling1 ,and turtles on the floor6 ,he soars aloft1 erratic1 ,he lands upon my neck1 ,and makes me creep and shiver1 ,a neurasthenic wreck6 --,charles ,irvin ,junkin4 ,,begging ,,the ,,angel 7about to give a beggar a dime7--,poor man6 ,and are you married8 ,,beggar--,pardon me1 madam6 ,d'ye think ,i'd be relyin' on total strangers for support if ,i had a wife8 ,,man--,is there any reason why ,i should give you five cents8 ,,boy--,well1 if ,i had a nice high hat like yours ,i wouldn't want it soaked with snowballs4 ,,millionaire 7to ragged beggar7--,you ask alms and do not even take your hat off4 ,is that the proper way to beg8 ,,beggar--,pardon me1 sir4 ,a policeman is looking at us from across the street4 ,if ,i take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging2 as it is1 he naturally takes us for old friends4 ,once1 while ,bishop ,talbot1 the giant cowboy bishop1 was attending a meeting of church dignitaries in ,st4 ,paul1 a tramp accosted a group of churchmen in the hotel porch and asked for aid4 ,no1 one of them told him1 ,i'm afraid we can't help you4 ,but you see that big man over there8 pointing to ,bishop ,talbot4 ,well1 he's the youngest bishop of us all1 and he's a very generous man4 ,you might try him4 ,the tramp approached ,bishop ,talbot confidently4 ,the others watched with interest4 ,they saw a look of surprise come over the tramp's face4 ,the bishop was talking eagerly4 ,the tramp looked troubled4 ,and then1 finally1 they saw something pass from one hand to the other4 ,the tramp tried to slink past the group without speaking1 but one of them called to him3 ,well1 did you get something from our young brother8 ,the tramp grinned sheepishly4 ,no1 he admitted1 ,i gave him a dollar for his damned new cathedral at ,laramie6 ,to get thine ends1 lay bashfulnesse aside2 ,who feares to aske1 doth teach to be deny'd4 --,herrick4 ,well1 whiles ,i am a beggar ,i will rail ,and say1 there is no sin but to be rich2 ,and being rich1 my virtue then shall be ,to say1 there is no vice but beggary4 --,shakespeare4 ,see also ,flattery2 ,millionaires4 ,,betting ,the officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting4 ,i'll bet anyone here1 said one young lieutenant1 that ,i can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker4 ,i'll stake a box of cigars that ,i can4 ,done6 cried a major4 ,the whole mess was on hand early next morning to see the experiment tried4 ,the lieutenant fired4 ,miss1 he calmly announced4 ,a second shot4 ,miss1 he repeated4 ,a third shot4 ,miss4 ,here1 there6 ,hold on6 protested the major4 ,what are you trying to do8 ,you're not shooting for the target at all4 ,of course not1 admitted the lieutenant4 ,i'm firing for those cigars4 ,and he got them4 ,two old cronies went into a drug store in the downtown part of ,new ,york ,city1 and1 addressing the proprietor by his first name1 one of them said3 ,dr4 ,charley1 we have made a bet of the ice-cream sodas4 ,we will have them now and when the bet is decided the loser will drop in and pay for them4 ,as the two old fellows were departing after enjoying their temperance beverage1 the druggist asked them what the wager was4 ,well1 said one of them1 our friend ,george bets that when the tower of the ,singer ,building falls1 it will topple over toward the ,north ,river1 and ,i bet that it won't4 ,,bible ,,interpretation ,miss ,jane1 did ,moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's got8 asked ,percy of his governess4 ,gracious me1 ,percy6 ,whatever do you mean1 my dear8 ,well1 it says here that the ,lord gave ,moses two tablets4 ,mr4 ,preacher1 said a white man to a colored minister who was addressing his congregation1 you are talking about ,cain1 and you say he got married in the land of ,nod1 after he killed ,abel4 ,but the ,bible mentions only ,adam and ,eve as being on earth at that time4 ,who1 then1 did ,cain marry8 ,the colored preacher snorted with unfeigned contempt4 ,huh6 he said1 you hear dat1 brederen an' sisters8 ,you hear dat fool question ,i am axed8 ,cain1 he went to de land o' ,nod just as de ,good ,book tells us1 an' in de land o' ,nod ,cain gits so lazy an' so shif'less dat he up an' marries a gal o' one o' dem no' count pore white trash families dat de inspired apostle didn't consider fittin' to mention in de ,holy ,word4 ,,bigamy ,there once was an old man of ,lyme4 ,who married three wives at a time3 ,when asked1 ,why a third8 ,he replied1 ,one's absurd6 ,and bigamy1 sir1 is a crime4 ,,bills ,the proverb1 ,where there's a will there's a way is now revised to ,when there's a bill we're away4 ,,young ,,doctor--,why do you always ask your patients what they have for dinner8 ,,old ,,doctor--,it's a most important question1 for according to their menus ,i make out my bills4 ,farmer ,gray kept summer boarders4 ,one of these1 a schoolteacher1 hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country4 ,he pointed out this one and that1 at the same time giving such items of information as he possessed4 ,the school-teacher1 pursing her lips1 remarked1 ,it will not be necessary for you to talk4 ,when her bill was presented1 there was a five-dollar charge marked ,extra4 ,what is this8 she asked1 pointing to the item4 ,that1 replied the farmer1 is for sass4 ,i don't often take it1 but when ,i do ,i charge for it4--,e4 ,egbert4 ,,patient 7angrily7--,the size of your bill makes my blood boil4 ,,doctor--,then that will be #bj more for sterilizing your system4 ,at the bedside of a patient who was a noted humorist1 five doctors were in consultation as to the best means of producing a perspiration4 ,the sick man overheard the discussion1 and1 after listening for a few moments1 he turned his head toward the group and whispered with a dry chuckle3 ,just send in your bills1 gentlemen2 that will bring it on at once4 ,thank ,heaven1 those bills are got rid of1 said ,bilkins1 fervently1 as he tore up a bundle of statements of account dated ,october #ast4 ,all paid1 eh8 said ,mrs4 ,bilkins4 ,oh1 no1 said ,bilkins4 ,the duplicates dated ,november #ast have come in and ,i don't have to keep these any longer4 ,,birthdays ,when a man has a birthday he takes a day off1 but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off4 ,,bluffing ,francis ,wilson1 the comedian1 says that many years ago when he was a member of a company playing ,she ,stoops to ,conquer1 a man without any money1 wishing to see the show1 stepped up to the box-office in a small town and said3 ,pass me in1 please4 ,the box-office man gave a loud1 harsh laugh4 ,pass you in8 ,what for8 he asked4 ,the applicant drew himself up and answered haughtily3 ,what for8 ,why1 because ,i am ,oliver ,goldsmith1 author of the play4 ,oh1 ,i beg your pardon1 sir1 replied the box-office man1 as he hurriedly wrote out an order for a box4 ,,blunders ,an early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air4 ,she addressed the first salesman she saw4 ,i want to look at a pair of eyeglasses1 sir1 of extra magnifying power4 ,yes1 ma'am1 replied the salesman2 something very strong8 ,yes1 sir4 ,while visiting in the country ,i made a very painful blunder which ,i never want to repeat4 ,indeed6 ,mistook a stranger for an acquaintance8 ,no1 not exactly that2 ,i mistook a bumblebee for a black-berry4 ,the ship doctor of an ,english liner notified the death watch steward1 an ,irishman1 that a man had died in stateroom #de4 ,the usual instructions to bury the body were given4 ,some hours later the doctor peeked into the room and found that the body was still there4 ,he called the ,irishman's attention to the matter and the latter replied3 ,i thought you said room #df4 ,i wint to that room and noticed wan of thim in a bunk4 ',are ye dead8' says ,i4 ',no1' says he1 'but ,i'm pretty near dead4' ,so ,i buried him4 ,telephone girls sometimes glory in their mistakes if there is a joke in consequence4 ,the story is told by a telephone operator in one of the ,boston exchanges about a man who asked her for the number of a local theater4 ,he got the wrong number and1 without asking to whom he was talking1 he said1 ,can ,i get a box for two to-night8 ,a startled voice answered him at the other end of the line1 ,we don't have boxes for two4 ,isn't this the ---- ,theater8 he called crossly4 ,why1 no1 was the answer1 this is an undertaking shop4 ,he canceled his order for a box for two4 ,a good ,samaritan1 passing an apartment house in the small hours of the morning1 noticed a man leaning limply against the doorway4 ,what's the matter8 he asked1 ,drunk8 ,yep4 ,do you live in this house8 ,yep4 ,do you want me to help you upstairs8 ,yep4 ,with much difficulty he half dragged1 half carried the drooping figure up the stairway to the second floor4 ,what floor do you live on8 he asked4 ,is this it8 ,yep4 ,rather than face an irate wife who might1 perhaps1 take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse1 he opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in4 ,the good ,samaritan groped his way downstairs again4 ,as he was passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man1 apparently in worse condition than the first one4 ,what's the matter8 he asked4 ,are you drunk1 too8 ,yep1 was the feeble reply4 ,do you live in this house1 too8 ,yep4 ,shall ,i help you upstairs8 ,yep4 ,the good ,samaritan pushed1 pulled1 and carried him to the second floor1 where this man also said he lived4 ,he opened the same door and pushed him in4 ,as he reached the front door he discerned the shadow of a third man1 evidently worse off than either of the other two4 ,he was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman4 ,for ,heaven's sake1 off'cer1 he gasped1 protect me from that man4 ,he's done nothin' all night long but carry me upstairs 'n throw me down th' elevator shaf4 ,there was a young man from the city1 ,who met what he thought was a kitty2 ,he gave it a pat1 ,and said1 ,nice little cat6 ,and they buried his clothes out of pity4 ,,boasting ,maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in the world couldn't if he tried4 ,what sort of chap is he8 ,well1 after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you he 'gave a little dinner to an acquaintance of his4'--,r4,r4 ,kirk4 ,,willie--,all the stores closed on the day my uncle died4 ,,tommy--,that's nothing4 ,all the banks closed for three weeks the day after my pa left town4--,puck4 ,two men were boasting about their rich kin4 ,said one3 ,my father has a big farm in ,connecticut4 ,it is so big that when he goes to the barn on ,monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us all good-by1 and he doesn't get back till the following ,saturday4 ,why does it take him so long8 the other man asked4 ,because the barn is so far away from the house4 ,well1 that may be a pretty big farm1 but compared to my father's farm in ,pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger than a city lot6 ,why1 how big is your father's farm8 ,well1 it's so big that my father sends young married couples out to the barn to milk the cows1 and the milk is brought back by their grandchildren4 ,,bonanzas ,a certain ,congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine speculations4 ,one day a number of colleagues were discussing the subject of his speculation1 when one of them said to this ,western member3 ,old chap1 as an expert1 give us a definition of the term1 'bonanza4' ,a 'bonanza1' replied the ,western man with emphasis1 is a hole in the ground owned by a champion liar6 ,,bookkeeping ,tommy1 fourteen years old1 arrived home for the holidays1 and at his father's request produced his account book1 duly kept at school4 ,among the items ,s4 ,p4 ,g4 figured largely and frequently4 ,darling boy1 fondly exclaimed his doting mamma3 see how good he is--always giving to the missionaries4 ,but ,tommy's sister knew him better than even his mother did1 and took the first opportunity of privately inquiring what those mystic letters stood for4 ,nor was she surprised ultimately to find that they represented1 not the venerable ,society for the ,propagation of the ,gospel1 but ,sundries1 ,probably ,grub4 ,,books ,,and ,,reading ,,lady ,,president--,what book has helped you most8 ,,new ,,member--,my husband's check-book4--,martha ,young4 ,you may send me up the complete works of ,shakespeare1 ,goethe and ,emerson--also something to read4 ,there are three classes of bookbuyers3 ,collectors1 women and readers4 ,the owner of a large library solemnly warned a friend against the practice of lending books4 ,to punctuate his advice he showed his friend the well-stocked shelves4 ,there6 said he4 ,every one of those books was lent me4 ,in science1 read1 by preference1 the newest works2 in literature1 the oldest4--,bulwer-,lytton4 ,learning hath gained most by those books by which the ,printers have lost4--,fuller4 ,books should to one of these four ends conduce1 ,for wisdom1 piety1 delight1 or use4 --,sir ,john ,denham4 ,a darky meeting another coming from the library with a book accosted him as follows3 ,what book you done got there1 ,rastus8 ',last ,days of ,pompeii4' ,last days of ,pompey8 ,is ,pompey dead8 ,i never heard about it4 ,now what did ,pompey die of8 ,i don't 'xactly know1 but it must hab been some kind of 'ruption4 ,i don't know what to give ,lizzie for a ,christmas present1 one chorus girl is reported to have said to her mate while discussing the gift to be made to a third4 ,give her a book1 suggested the other4 ,and the first one replied meditatively1 ,no1 she's got a book4--,literary ,digest4 ,,booksellers ,,and ,,bookselling ,a bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders3 ,,as ,,ordered ,,correct ,,title ,lame as a ,roble ,les ,misrables ,god's ,image in ,mud ,god's ,image in ,man ,pair of ,saucers ,paracelsus ,pierre and ,his ,poodle ,pierre and ,his ,people ,when a customer in a ,boston department store asked a clerk for ,hichens's ,bella ,donna1 the reply was1 ,drug counter1 third aisle over4 ,it was a few days before ,christmas in one of ,new ,york's large book-stores4 ,,clerk--,what is it1 please8 ,,customer--,i would like ,ibsen's ,a ,doll's ,house4 ,,clerk--,to cut out8 ,,bookworms ,a book-worm1 said papa1 is a person who would rather read than eat1 or it is a worm that would rather eat than read4 ,,boomerangs ,see ,repartee2 ,retaliation4 ,,bores ,what kind of a looking man is that chap ,gabbleton you just mentioned8 ,i don't believe ,i have met him4 ,well1 if you see two men off in a corner anywhere and one of them looks bored to death1 the other is ,gabbleton4--,puck4 ,a man who was a well known killjoy was described as a great athlete4 ,he could throw a wet blanket two hundred yards in any gathering4 ,see also ,conversation2 ,husbands2 ,preaching2 ,public speakers2 ,reformers4 ,,borrowers ,a well-known but broken-down ,detroit newspaper man1 who had been a power in his day1 approached an old friend the other day in the ,pontchartrain ,hotel and said3 ,what do you think8 ,i have just received the prize insult of my life4 ,a paper down in ,muncie1 ,ind41 offered me a job4 ,do you call that an insult8 ,not the job1 but the salary4 ,they offered me twelve dollars a week4 ,well1 said the friend1 twelve dollars a week is better than nothing4 ,twelve a week--thunder6 exclaimed the old scribe4 ,i can borrow more than that right here in ,detroit4--,detroit ,free ,press4 ,one winter morning ,henry ,clay1 finding himself in need of money1 went to the ,riggs ,bank and asked for the loan of #bej on his personal note4 ,he was told that while his credit was perfectly good1 it was the inflexible rule of the bank to require an indorser4 ,the great statesman hunted up ,daniel ,webster and asked him to indorse the note4 ,with pleasure1 said ,webster4 ,but ,i need some money myself4 ,why not make your note for five hundred1 and you and ,i will split it8 ,this they did4 ,and to-day the note is in the ,riggs ,bank--unpaid4 ,,bosses ,the insurance agent climbed the steps and rang the bell4 ,whom do you wish to see8 asked the careworn person who came to the door4 ,i want to see the boss of the house1 replied the insurance agent4 ,are you the boss8 ,no1 meekly returned the man who came to the door2 ,i'm only the husband of the boss4 ,step in1 ,i'll call the boss4 ,the insurance agent took a seat in the hall1 and in a short time a tall dignified woman appeared4 ,so you want to see the boss8 repeated the woman4 ,well1 just step into the kitchen4 ,this way1 please4 ,bridget1 this gentleman desires to see you4 ,me th' boss6 exclaimed ,bridget1 when the insurance agent asked her the question4 ,indade ,oi'm not6 ,sure here comes th' boss now4 ,she pointed to a small boy of ten years who was coming toward the house4 ,tell me1 pleaded the insurance agent1 when the lad came into the kitchen1 are you the boss of the house8 ,want to see the boss8 asked the boy4 ,well1 you just come with me4 ,wearily the insurance agent climbed up the stairs4 ,he was ushered into a room on the second floor and guided to the crib of a sleeping baby4 ,there6 exclaimed the boy1 that's the real boss of this house4 ,,boston ,a tourist from the east1 visiting an old prospector in his lonely cabin in the hills1 commented3 ,and yet you seem so cheerful and happy4 ,yes1 replied the one of the pick and shovel4 ,i spent a week in ,boston once1 and no matter what happens to me now1 it seems good luck in comparison4 ,a little ,boston girl with exquisitely long golden curls and quite an angelic appearance in general1 came in from an afternoon walk with her nurse and said to her mother1 ,oh1 ,mamma1 a strange woman on the street said to me1 ',my1 but ain't you got beautiful hair6' ,the mother smiled1 for the compliment was well merited1 but she gasped as the child innocently continued her account3 ,i said to her1 ',i am very glad to have you like my hair1 but ,i am sorry to hear you use the word ain't6'--,e4 ,r4 ,bickford4 ,,nan--,that young man from ,boston is an interesting talker1 so far as you can understand what he says2 but what a queer dialect he uses4 ,,fan--,that isn't dialect2 it's vocabulary4 ,can't you tell the difference8 ,a ,bostonian died1 and when he arrived at ,st4 ,peter's gate he was asked the usual questions3 ,what is your name1 and where are you from8 ,the answer was1 ,mr4 ,so-and-,so1 from ,boston4 ,you may come in1 said ,peter1 but ,i know you won't like it4 ,there was a young lady from ,boston1 ,a two-horned dilemma was tossed on1 ,as to which was the best1 ,to be rich in the west ,or poor and peculiar in ,boston4 ,,boxing ,john ,l4 ,sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing lessons4 ,well1 son1 ,i tried it once1 replied ,mr4 ,sullivan4 ,a husky young man took one lesson from me and went home a little the worse for wear4 ,when he came around for his second lesson he said3 ',mr ,sullivan1 it was my idea to learn enough about boxing from you to be able to lick a certain young gentleman what ,i've got it in for4 ,but ,i've changed my mind1' says he4 ',if it's all the same to you1 ,mr4 ,sullivan1 ,i'll send this young gentleman down here to take the rest of my lessons for me4' ,,boys ,a certain island in the ,west ,indies is liable to the periodical advent of earthquakes4 ,one year before the season of these terrestrial disturbances1 ,mr4 ,x41 who lived in the danger zone1 sent his two sons to the home of a brother in ,england1 to secure them from the impending havoc4 ,evidently the quiet of the staid ,english household was disturbed by the irruption of the two ,west ,indians1 for the returning mail steamer carried a message to ,mr4 ,x41 brief but emphatic3 ,take back your boys2 send me the earthquake4 ,aunt ,eliza came up the walk and said to her small nephew3 ,good morning1 ,willie4 ,is your mother in8 ,sure she's in1 replied ,willie truculently4 ,d'you s'pose ,i'd be workin' in the garden on ,saturday morning if she wasn't8 ,an iron hoop bounded through the area railings of a suburban house and played havoc with the kitchen window4 ,the woman waited1 anger in her eyes1 for the appearance of the hoop's owner4 ,presently he came4 ,please1 ,i've broken your window1 he said1 and here's ,father to mend it4 ,and1 sure enough1 he was followed by a stolid-looking workman1 who at once started to work1 while the small boy took his hoop and ran off4 ,that'll be four bits1 ma'am1 announced the glazier when the window was whole once more4 ,four bits6 gasped the woman4 ,but your little boy broke it--the little fellow with the hoop1 you know4 ,you're his father1 aren't you8 ,the stolid man shook his head4 ,don't know him from ,adam1 he said4 ,he came around to my place and told me his mother wanted her winder fixed4 ,you're his mother1 aren't you8 ,and the woman shook her head also4--,ray ,trum ,nathan4 ,see also ,egotism2 ,employers and employees2 ,office boys4 ,,breakfast ,,foods ,pharaoh had just dreamed of the seven full and the seven blasted ears of corn4 ,you are going to invent a new kind of breakfast food1 interpreted ,joseph4--,judge4 ,,breath ,one day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology4 ,she asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time4 ,one little girl spoke up and said3 ,yes'm1 when it is a cold day ,i can see the smoke4 ,said the bibulous gentleman who had been reading birth and death statistics3 ,do you know1 ,james1 every time ,i breathe a man dies8 ,then1 said ,james1 why don't you chew cloves8 ,,brevity ,an after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on ,the ,antiquity of the ,microbe4 ,he arose and said1 ,adam had 'em1 and then sat down4 ,a negro servant1 on being ordered to announce visitors to a dinner party1 was directed to call out in a loud1 distinct voice their names4 ,the first to arrive was the ,fitzgerald family1 numbering eight persons4 ,the negro announced ,major ,fitzgerald1 ,miss ,fitzgerald1 ,master ,fitzgerald1 and so on4 ,this so annoyed the master that he went to the negro and said1 ,don't announce each person like that2 say something shorter4 ,the next to arrive were ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,penny and their daughter4 ,the negro solemnly opened the door and called out1 ,thrupence6 ,dr4 ,abernethy1 the famous ,scotch surgeon1 was a man of few words1 but he once met his match--in a woman4 ,she called at his office in ,edinburgh1 one day1 with a hand badly inflamed and swollen4 ,the following dialogue1 opened by the doctor1 took place4 ,burn8 ,bruise4 ,poultice4 ,the next day the woman called1 and the dialogue was as follows3 ,better8 ,worse4 ,more poultice4 ,two days later the woman made another call4 ,better8 ,well4 ,fee8 ,nothing4 ,most sensible woman ,i ever saw4 ,,bribery ,a judge1 disgusted with a jury that seemed unable to reach an agreement in a perfectly evident case1 rose and said1 ,i discharge this jury4 ,one sensitive talesman1 indignant at what he considered a rebuke1 obstinately faced the judge4 ,you can't discharge me1 he said in tones of one standing upon his rights4 ,and why not8 asked the surprised judge4 ,because1 announced the juror1 pointing to the lawyer for the defense1 ,i'm being hired by that man there6 ,,brides ,my dear1 said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light1 have you noticed that there's never cream on this milk8 ,i spoke to the milkman about it1 she replied1 and he explained that the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for cream on top4 ,do you think only of me8 murmured the bride4 ,tell me that you think only of me4 ,it's this way1 explained the groom gently4 ,now and then ,i have to think of the furnace1 my dear4 ,,bridge ,,whist ,how about the sermon8 ,the minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge4 ,you don't say6 ,did he mention any names8 ,,brooklyn ,at the ,brooklyn ,bridge4--,madam1 do you want to go to ,brooklyn8 ,no1 ,i have to4--,life4 ,,bryan1 ,,william ,,jennings ,some time after the presidential election of #aijh1 one of ,champ ,clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the ,bryan watch fobs so popular during the election4 ,on being asked the reason for this1 ,champ replied3 ,oh1 that's to keep my watch running4 ,,buildings ,pat had gone back home to ,ireland and was telling about ,new ,york4 ,have they such tall buildings in ,america as they say1 ,pat8 asked the parish priest4 ,tall buildings ye ask1 sur8 replied ,pat4 ,faith1 sur1 the last one ,i worked on we had to lay on our stomachs to let the moon pass4 ,,burglars ,a burglar was one night engaged in the pleasing occupation of stowing a good haul of swag in his bag when he was startled by a touch on the shoulder1 and1 turning his head1 he beheld a venerable1 mild-eyed clergyman gazing sadly at him4 ,oh1 my brother1 groaned the reverend gentleman1 wouldst thou rob me8 ,turn1 ,i beseech thee--turn from thy evil ways4 ,return those stolen goods and depart in peace1 for ,i am merciful and forgive4 ,begone6 ,and the burglar1 only too thankful at not being given into custody of the police1 obeyed and slunk swiftly off4 ,then the good old man carefully and quietly packed the swag into another bag and walked softly 7so as not to disturb the slumber of the inmates7 out of the house and away into the silent night4 ,,business ,a ,boston lawyer1 who brought his wit from his native ,dublin1 while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial1 brought forth the following3 ,you wish to divorce this woman because she drinks8 ,yes1 sir4 ,do you drink yourself8 ,that's my business6 angrily4 ,whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked3 ,have you any other business8 ,at the ,boston ,immigration ,station one blank was recently filled out as follows3 ,name--,abraham ,cherkowsky4 ,born--,yes4 ,business--,rotten4 ,,business ,,enterprise ,it happened in ,topeka4 ,three clothing stores were on the same block4 ,one morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--,bankrupt ,sale1 and to the left--,closing ,out at ,cost4 ,twenty minutes later there appeared over his own door1 in larger letters1 ,main ,entrance4 ,in a section of ,washington where there are a number of hotels and cheap restaurants1 one enterprising concern has displayed in great illuminated letters1 ,open ,all ,night4 ,next to it was a restaurant bearing with equal prominence the legend3 ,we ,never ,close4 ,third in order was a ,chinese laundry in a little1 low-framed1 tumbledown hovel1 and upon the front of this building was the sign1 in great1 scrawling letters3 ,me wakee1 too4 ,a boy looking for something to do saw the sign ,boy ,wanted hanging outside of a store in ,new ,york4 ,he picked up the sign and entered the store4 ,the proprietor met him4 ,what did you bring that sign in here for8 asked the storekeeper4 ,you won't need it any more1 said the boy cheerfully4 ,i'm going to take the job4 ,a ,chinaman found his wife lying dead in a field one morning2 a tiger had killed her4 ,the ,chinaman went home1 procured some arsenic1 and1 returning to the field1 sprinkled it over the corpse4 ,the next day the tiger's dead body lay beside the woman's4 ,the ,chinaman sold the tiger's skin to a mandarin1 and its body to a physician to make fear-cure powders1 and with the proceeds he was able to buy a younger wife4 ,a rather simple-looking lad halted before a blacksmith's shop on his way home from school and eyed the doings of the proprietor with much interest4 ,the brawny smith1 dissatisfied with the boy's curiosity1 held a piece of red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose1 hoping to make him beat a hasty retreat4 ,if you'll give me half a dollar ,i'll lick it1 said the lad4 ,the smith took from his pocket half a dollar and held it out4 ,the simple-looking youngster took the coin1 licked it1 dropped it in his pocket and slowly walked away whistling4 ,do you know where ,johnny ,locke lives1 my little boy8 asked a gentle-voiced old lady4 ,he aint home1 but if you give me a penny ,i'll find him for you right off1 replied the lad4 ,all right1 you're a nice little boy4 ,now where is he8 ,thanks--,i'm him4 ,from each according to his ability1 to each according to his need1 would seem to be the principle of the ,chinese storekeeper whom a traveler tells about4 ,the ,chinaman asked #b4ej for five pounds of tea1 while he demanded #g4ej for ten pounds of the same brand4 ,his business philosophy was expressed in these words of explanation3 ,more buy1 more rich--more rich1 more can pay6 ,in a ,new ,york street a wagon loaded with lamp globes collided with a truck and many of the globes were smashed4 ,considerable sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments4 ,a benevolent-looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately4 ,my poor man1 he said1 ,i suppose you will have to make good this loss out of your own pocket8 ,yep1 was the melancholy reply4 ,well1 well1 said the philanthropic old gentleman1 hold out your hat--here's a quarter for you2 and ,i dare say some of these other people will give you a helping hand too4 ,the driver held out his hat and several persons hastened to drop coins in it4 ,at last1 when the contributions had ceased1 he emptied the contents of his hat into his pocket4 ,then1 pointing to the retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection1 he observed3 ,say1 maybe he ain't the wise guy6 ,that's me boss6 ,,business ,,ethics ,johnny1 said his teacher1 if coal is selling at #f a ton and you pay your dealer #bd how many tons will he bring you8 ,a little over three tons1 ma'am1 said ,johnny promptly4 ,why1 ,johnny1 that isn't right1 said the teacher4 ,no1 ma'am1 ,i know it ain't1 said ,johnny1 but they all do it4 ,,business ,,women ,wanted--,a housekeeping man by a business woman4 ,object matrimony4 ,,campaigns ,see ,candidates2 ,public speakers4 ,,camping ,camp life is just one canned thing after another4 ,,candidates ,when ,i first decided to allow the people of ,tupelo to use my name as a candidate for ,congress1 ,i went out to a neighboring parish to speak1 said ,private ,john ,allen recently to some friends at the old ,metropolitan ,hotel in ,washington4 ,an old darky came up to greet me after the meeting4 ',marse ,allen1' he said1 ',i's powerful glad to see you4 ,i's known ob you sense you was a babby4 ,knew yoh pappy long befo' you-all wuz bohn1 too4 ,he used to hold de same office you got now4 ,i 'members how he held dat same office fo' years an' years4' ',what office do you mean1 uncle8' ,i asked1 as ,i never knew pop held any office4 ',why1 de office ob candidate1 ,marse ,john2 yoh pappy was candidate fo' many years4' ,a good story is told on the later ,senator ,vance4 ,he was traveling down in ,north ,carolina1 when he met an old darky one ,sunday morning4 ,he had known the old man for many years1 so he took the liberty of inquiring where he was going4 ,i am1 sah1 pedestrianin' my appointed way to de tabernacle of de ,lord4 ,are you an ,episcopalian8 inquired ,vance4 ,no1 sah1 ,i can't say dat ,i am an ,epispokapillian4 ,maybe you are a ,baptist8 ,no1 sah1 ,i can't say dat ,i's ever been buried wid de ,lord in de waters of baptism4 ,oh1 ,i see you are a ,methodist4 ,no1 sah1 ,i can't say dat ,i's one of dose who hold to argyments of de faith of de ,medodists4 ,what are you1 then1 uncle8 ,i's a ,presbyterian1 ,marse ,zeb1 just de same as you is4 ,oh nonsense1 uncle1 you don't mean to say that you subscribe to all the articles of the ,presbyterian faith8 ',deed ,i do sah4 ,do you believe in the doctrine of election to be saved8 ,yas1 sah1 ,i b'lieve in the doctrine of 'lection most firmly and un'quivactin'ly4 ,well then tell me do you believe that ,i am elected to be saved8 ,the old darky hesitated4 ,there was undoubtedly a terrific struggle going on in his mind between his veracity and his desire to be polite to the ,senator4 ,finally he compromised by saying3 ,well1 ,i'll tell you how it is1 ,marse ,zeb4 ,you see ,i's never heard of anybody bein' 'lected to anything for what they wasn't a candidate4 ,has you1 sah8 ,a political office in a small town was vacant4 ,the office paid #bej a year and there was keen competition for it4 ,one of the candidates1 ,ezekiel ,hicks1 was a shrewd old fellow1 and a neat campaign fund was turned over to him4 ,to the astonishment of all1 however1 he was defeated4 ,i can't account for it1 said one of the leaders of ,hicks' party1 gloomily4 ,with that money we should have won4 ,how did you lay it out1 ,ezekiel4 ,well1 said ,ezekiel1 slowly pulling his whiskers1 yer see that office only pays #bej a year salary1 an' ,i didn't see no sense in paying #ijj out to get the office1 so ,i bought a little truck farm instead4 ,the little daughter of a ,democratic candidate for a local office in ,saratoga ,county1 ,new ,york1 when told that her father had got the nomination1 cried out1 ,oh1 mama1 do they ever die of it8 ,i am willing1 said the candidate1 after he had hit the table a terrible blow with his fist1 to trust the people4 ,gee6 yelled a little man in the audience4 ,i wish you'd open a grocery4 ,now1 ,mr4 ,blank1 said a temperance advocate to a candidate for municipal honors1 ,i want to ask you a question4 ,do you ever take alcoholic drinks8 ,before ,i answer the question1 responded the wary candidate1 ,i want to know whether it is put as an inquiry or as an invitation6 ,see also ,politicians4 ,,canning ,,and ,,preserving ,a canner1 exceedingly canny1 ,one morning remarked to his granny1 ,a canner can can ,anything that he can2 ,but a canner can't can a can1 can he8 --,carolyn ,wells4 ,,capitalists ,of the late ,bishop ,charles ,g4 ,grafton a ,fond du ,lac man said3 ,bishop ,grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit utterances4 ,once1 during a disastrous strike1 a capitalist of ,fond du ,lac arose in a church meeting and asked leave to speak4 ,the bishop gave him the floor1 and the man delivered himself of a long panegyric upon captains of industry1 upon the good they do by giving men work1 by booming the country1 by reducing the cost of production1 and so forth4 ,when the capitalist had finished his self-praise and1 flushed and satisfied1 had sat down again1 ,bishop ,grafton rose and said with quiet significance3 ',is there any other sinner that would like to say a word8' ,,carefulness ,michael ,dugan1 a journeyman plumber1 was sent by his employer to the ,hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room4 ,when the butler admitted him he said to ,dugan3 ,you are requested to be careful of the floors4 ,they have just been polished4 ,they's no danger iv me slippin' on thim1 replied ,dugan4 ,i hov spikes in me shoes4--,lippincott's4 ,,carpenters ,while building a house1 ,senator ,platt of ,connecticut had occasion to employ a carpenter4 ,one of the applicants was a plain ,connecticut ,yankee1 without any frills4 ,you thoroughly understand carpentry8 asked the senator4 ,yes1 sir4 ,you can make doors1 windows1 and blinds8 ,oh1 yes sir6 ,how would you make a ,venetian blind8 ,the man scratched his head and thought deeply for a few seconds4 ,i should think1 sir1 he said finally1 about the best way would be to punch him in the eye4 ,,carving ,to ,our ,national ,birds--the ,eagle and the ,turkey--7while the host is carving73 ,may one give us peace in all our ,states1 ,and the other a piece for all our plates4 ,,caste ,in some parts of the ,south the darkies are still addicted to the old style country dance in a big hall1 with the fiddlers1 banjoists1 and other musicians on a platform at one end4 ,at one such dance held not long ago in an ,alabama town1 when the fiddlers had duly resined their bows and taken their places on the platform1 the floor manager rose4 ,git yo' partners fo' de nex' dance6 he yelled4 ,all you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' stockin's1 take yo' places in de middle of de room4 ,all you ladies an' gennulmens dat wears shoes an' no stockin's1 take yo' places immejitly behim' dem4 ,an' yo' barfooted crowd1 you jes' jig it roun' in de corners4--,taylor ,edwards4 ,,cats ,there was a young lady whose dream ,was to feed a black cat on whipt cream1 ,but the cat with a bound ,spilt the milk on the ground1 ,so she fed a whipt cat on black cream4 ,there once were two cats in ,kilkenny1 ,and each cat thought that there was one cat too many1 ,and they scratched and they fit and they tore and they bit1 ',til instead of two cats--there weren't any4 ,,cause ,,and ,,effect ,archbishop ,whately was one day asked if he rose early4 ,he replied that once he did1 but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to do it again4 ,a man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing4 ,she was crying her eyes out1 replied the mother4 ,what about8 ,i don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries or because she wants more1 replied the discouraged mother4 ,,banks--,i had a new experience yesterday1 one you might call unaccountable4 ,i ate a hearty dinner1 finishing up with a ,welsh rabbit1 a mince pie and some lobster la ,newburgh4 ,then ,i went to a place of amusement4 ,i had hardly entered the building before everything swam before me4 ,,binks--,the ,welsh rabbit did it4 ,,bunks--,no2 it was the lobster4 ,,bonks--,i think it was the mince pie4 ,,banks--,no2 ,i have a simpler explanation than that4 ,i never felt better in my life2 ,i was at the ,aquarium4--,judge4 ,among a party of ,bostonians who spent some time in a hunting-camp in ,maine were two college professors4 ,no sooner had the learned gentlemen arrived than their attention was attracted by the unusual position of the stove1 which was set on posts about four feet high4 ,this circumstance afforded one of the professors immediate opportunity to comment upon the knowledge that woodsmen gain by observation4 ,now1 said he1 this man has discovered that heat emanating from a stove strikes the roof1 and that the circulation is so quickened that the camp is warmed in much less time than would be required were the stove in its regular place on the floor4 ,but the other professor ventured the opinion that the stove was elevated to be above the window in order that cool and pure air could be had at night4 ,the host1 being of a practical turn1 thought that the stove was set high in order that a good supply of green wood could be placed under it4 ,after much argument1 they called the guide and asked why the stove was in such a position4 ,the man grinned4 ,well1 gents1 he explained1 when ,i brought the stove up the river ,i lost most of the stove-pipe overboard2 so we had to set the stove up that way so as to have the pipe reach through the roof4 ,jack ,barrymore1 son of ,maurice ,barrymore1 and himself an actor of some ability1 is not over-particular about his personal appearance and is a little lazy4 ,he was in ,san ,francisco on the morning of the earthquake4 ,he was thrown out of bed by one of the shocks1 spun around on the floor and left gasping in a corner4 ,finally1 he got to his feet and rushed for a bathtub1 where he stayed all that day4 ,next day he ventured out4 ,a soldier1 with a bayonet on his gun1 captured ,barrymore and compelled him to pile bricks for two days4 ,barrymore was telling his terrible experience in the ,lambs' ,club in ,new ,york4 ,extraordinary1 commented ,augustus ,thomas1 the playwright4 ,it took a convulsion of nature to make ,jack take a bath1 and the ,united ,states ,army to make him go to work4 ,,caution ,marshall ,field1 #crd1 according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago1 bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up4 ,approaching an old lady in a ,lakewood hotel1 he said3 ,can you crack nuts8 ,no1 dear1 the old lady replied4 ,i lost all my teeth ages ago4 ,then1 requested ,master ,field1 extending two hands full of pecans1 please hold these while ,i go and get some more4 ,,champagne ,,mr4 ,,hilton--,have you opened that bottle of champagne1 ,bridget8 ,,bridget--,faith1 ,i started to open it1 an' it began to open itself4 ,sure1 the mon that filled that bottle must 'av' put in two quarts instead of wan4 ,sir ,andrew ,clark was ,mr4 ,gladstone's physician1 and was known to the great statesman as a temperance doctor who very rarely prescribed alcohol for his patients4 ,on one occasion he surprised ,mr4 ,gladstone by recommending him to take some wine4 ,in answer to his illustrious patient's surprise he said3 ,oh1 wine does sometimes help you get through work6 ,for instance1 ,i have often twenty letters to answer after dinner1 and a pint of champagne is a great help4 ,indeed6 remarked ,mr4 ,gladstone2 does a pint of champagne really help you to answer the twenty letters8 ,no1 ,sir ,andrew explained2 but when ,i've had a pint of champagne ,i don't care a rap whether ,i answer them or not4 ,,character ,the ,rev4 ,charles ,h4 ,spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was1 moreover1 based on sterling common sense4 ,one day he remarked to one of his sons3 ,can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat ,daniel8 ,no sir4 ,why was it8 ,because the most of him was backbone and the rest was grit4 ,they were trying an ,irishman1 charged with a petty offense1 in an ,oklahoma town1 when the judge asked3 ,have you any one in court who will vouch for your good character8 ,yis1 your honor1 quickly responded the ,celt1 there's the sheriff there4 ,whereupon the sheriff evinced signs of great amazement4 ,why1 your honor1 declared he1 ,i don't even know the man4 ,observe1 your honor1 said the ,irishman1 triumphantly1 observe that ,i've lived in the country for over twelve years an' the sheriff doesn't know me yit6 ,ain't that a character for ye8 ,we must have a weak spot or two in a character before we can love it much4 ,people that do not laugh or cry1 or take more of anything than is good for them1 or use anything but dictionary-words1 are admirable subjects for biographies4 ,but we don't care most for those flat pattern flowers that press best in the herbarium4--,o4,w4 ,holmes4 ,,charity ,charity1 said ,rev4 ,b41 is a sentiment common to human nature4 ,a never sees ,b in distress without wishing ,c to relieve him4 ,dr4 ,c4,h4 ,parkhurst1 the eloquent ,new ,york clergyman1 at a recent banquet said of charity3 ,too many of us1 perhaps1 misinterpret the meaning of charity as the master misinterpreted the ,scriptural text4 ,this master1 a pillar of a western church1 entered in his journal3 ',the ,scripture ordains that1 if a man take away thy coat1 let him have thy cloak also4 ,to-day1 having caught the hostler stealing my potatoes1 ,i have given him the sack4' ,,the ,,lady--,well1 ,i'll give you a dime2 not because you deserve it1 mind1 but because it pleases me4 ,,the ,,tramp--,thank you1 mum4 ,couldn't yer make it a quarter an' thoroly enjoy yourself8 ,porter ,emerson came into the office yesterday4 ,he had been out in the country for a week and was very cheerful4 ,just as he was leaving1 he said3 ,did you hear about that man who died the other day and left all he had to the orphanage8 ,no1 some one answered4 ,how much did he leave8 ,twelve children4 ,i made a mistake1 said ,plodding ,pete4 ,i told that man up the road ,i needed a little help 'cause ,i was lookin' for me family from whom ,i had been separated fur years4 ,didn't that make him come across8 ,he couldn't see it4 ,he said dat he didn't know my family1 but he wasn't goin' to help in bringing any such trouble on 'em4 ,it requires a vast deal of courage and charity to be philanthropic1 remarked ,sir ,thomas ,lipton1 apropos of ,andrew ,carnegie's giving4 ,i remember when ,i was just starting in business4 ,i was very poor and making every sacrifice to enlarge my little shop4 ,my only assistant was a boy of fourteen1 faithful and willing and honest4 ,one day ,i heard him complaining1 and with justice1 that his clothes were so shabby that he was ashamed to go to chapel4 ',there's no chance of my getting a new suit this year1' he told me4 ',dad's out of work1 and it takes all of my wages to pay the rent4' ,i thought the matter over1 and then took a sovereign from my carefully hoarded savings and bought the boy a stout warm suit of blue cloth4 ,he was so grateful that ,i felt repaid for my sacrifice4 ,but the next day he didn't come to work4 ,i met his mother on the street and asked her the reason4 ',why1 ,mr4 ,lipton1' she said1 curtsying1 ',jimmie looks so respectable1 thanks to you1 sir1 that ,i thought ,i would send him around town today to see if he couldn't get a better job4' ,good morning1 ma'am1 began the temperance worker4 ,i'm collecting for the ,inebriates' ,home and-- ,why1 me husband's out1 replied ,mrs4 ,mc,guire1 but if ye can find him anywhere's ye're welcome to him4 ,charity is a virtue of the heart1 and not of the hands4--,addison4 ,you find people ready enough to do the ,samaritan1 without the oil and twopence4--,sydney ,smith4 ,,chicago ,a western bookseller wrote to a house in ,chicago asking that a dozen copies of ,canon ,farrar's ,seekers after ,god be shipped to him at once4 ,within two days he received this reply by telegraph3 ,no seekers after ,god in ,chicago or ,new ,york4 ,try ,philadelphia4 ,,chicken ,,stealing ,senator ,money of ,mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best1 and he replied3 ,all kinds has merits4 ,de w'ite ones is de easiest to find2 but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em4 ,ida ,black had retired from the most select colored circles for a brief space1 on account of a slight difficulty connected with a gentleman's poultry-yard4 ,her mother was being consoled by a white friend4 ,why1 ,aunt ,easter1 ,i was mighty sorry to hear about ,ida-- ,marse ,john1 ,ida ain't nuvver tuk dem chickens4 ,ida wouldn't do sich a thing6 ,ida wouldn't demeange herse'f to rob nobody's hen-roost--and1 any way1 dem old chickens warn't nothing't all but feathers when we picked 'em4 ,does de white folks in youah neighborhood keep eny chickens1 ,br'er ,rastus8 ,well1 ,br'er ,johnsing1 mebbe dey does keep a few4 ,henry ,e4 ,dixey met a friend one afternoon on ,broadway4 ,well1 ,henry1 exclaimed the friend1 you are looking fine6 ,what do they feed you on8 ,chicken mostly1 replied ,dixey4 ,you see1 ,i am rehearsing in a play where ,i am to be a thief1 so1 just by way of getting into training for the part ,i steal one of my own chickens every morning and have the cook broil it for me4 ,i have accomplished the remarkable feat of eating thirty chickens in thirty consecutive days4 ,great ,scott6 exclaimed the friend4 ,do you still like them8 ,yes1 ,i do1 replied ,dixey2 and1 what is better still1 the chickens like me4 ,why they have got so when ,i sneak into the hen-house they all begin to cackle1 ',i wish ,i was in ,dixey4'--,a4 ,s4 ,hitchcock4 ,a southerner1 hearing a great commotion in his chicken-house one dark night1 took his revolver and went to investigate4 ,who's there8 he sternly demanded1 opening the door4 ,no answer4 ,who's there8 ,answer1 or ,i'll shoot6 ,a trembling voice from the farthest corner3 ',deed1 sah1 dey ain't nobody hyah ceptin' us chickens4 ,a colored parson1 calling upon one of his flock1 found the object of his visit out in the back yard working among his hen-coops4 ,he noticed with surprise that there were no chickens4 ,why1 ,brudder ,brown1 he asked1 whar'r all yo' chickens8 ,huh1 grunted ,brother ,brown without looking up1 some fool niggah lef de do' open an' dey all went home4 ,,child ,,labor ,what's up old man2 you look as happy as a lark6 ,happy8 ,why shouldn't ,i look happy8 ,no more hard1 weary work by yours truly4 ,i've got eight kids and ,i'm going to move to ,alabama4--,life4 ,,children ,two weary parents once advertised3 ,,wanted1 ,,at ,,once--,two fluent and well-learned persons1 male or female1 to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four2 each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children4 ,another couple advertised3 ,,wanted3 ,a governess who is good stenographer1 to take down the clever sayings of our child4 ,a boy twelve years old with an air of melancholy resignation1 went to his teacher and handed in the following note from his mother before taking his seat3 ,dear ,sir3 ,please excuse ,james for not being present yesterday4 ,he played truant1 but you needn't whip him for it1 as the boy he played truant with and him fell out1 and he licked ,james2 and a man they threw stones at caught him and licked him2 and the driver of a cart they hung onto licked him2 and the owner of a cat they chased licked him4 ,then ,i licked him when he came home1 after which his father licked him2 and ,i had to give him another for being impudent to me for telling his father4 ,so you need not lick him until next time4 ,he thinks he will attend regular in future4 ,,mrs4 ,,post--,but why adopt a baby when you have three children of your own under five years old8 ,,mrs4 ,,parker--,my own are being brought up properly4 ,the adopted one is to enjoy4 ,the neighbors of a certain woman in a ,new ,england town maintain that this lady entertains some very peculiar notions touching the training of children4 ,local opinion ascribes these oddities on her part to the fact that she attended normal school for one year just before her marriage4 ,said one neighbor3 ,she does a lot of funny things4 ,what do you suppose ,i heard her say to that boy of hers this afternoon8 ,i dunno4 ,what was it8 ,well1 you know her husband cut his finger badly yesterday with a hay-cutter2 and this afternoon as ,i was goin' by the house ,i heard her say3 ',now1 ,william1 you must be a very good boy1 for your father has injured his hand1 and if you are naughty he won't be able to whip you4'--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,childhood has no forebodings2 but then1 it is soothed by no memories of outlived sorrow4--,george ,eliot4 ,better to be driven out from among men than to be disliked of children4--,r4,h4 ,dana4 ,see also ,boys2 ,families4 ,,choices ,william ,phillips1 our secretary of embassy at ,london1 tells of an ,american officer who1 by the kind permission of the ,british ,government1 was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of ,his ,majesty's battleships4 ,among other things that impressed the ,american was the vessel's ,sunday morning service4 ,it was very well attended1 every sailor not on duty being there4 ,at the conclusion of the service the ,american chanced to ask one of the jackies3 ,are you obliged to attend these ,sunday morning services8 ,not exactly obliged to1 sir1 replied the sailor-man1 but our grog would be stopped if we didn't1 sir4--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,a well-known furniture dealer of a ,virginia town wanted to give his faithful negro driver something for ,christmas in recognition of his unfailing good humor in toting out stoves1 beds1 pianos1 etc4 ,dobson1 he said1 you have helped me through some pretty tight places in the last ten years1 and ,i want to give you something as a ,christmas present that will be useful to you and that you will enjoy4 ,which do you prefer1 a ton of coal or a gallon of good whiskey8 ,boss1 ,dobson replied1 ,ah burns wood4 ,a man hurried into a quick-lunch restaurant recently and called to the waiter3 ,give me a ham sandwich4 ,yes1 sir1 said the waiter1 reaching for the sandwich2 will you eat it or take it with you8 ,both1 was the unexpected but obvious reply4 ,,choirs ,see ,singers4 ,,christian ,,scientists ,while waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous4 ,he glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat4 ,at last1 unable to stand it longer1 he arose and demanded1 in a high1 penetrating voice1 ,is there a ,christian ,scientist in this room8 ,a woman at the other side of the hall got up and said1 ,i am a ,christian ,scientist4 ,well1 then1 madam1 requested the little man1 would you mind changing seats with me8 ,i'm sitting in a draft4 ,,christians ,at a dinner1 when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of the guests1 a ,japanese1 remained with the ladies1 one asked him3 ,aren't you going to join the gentlemen1 ,mr4 ,nagasaki8 ,no4 ,i do not smoke1 ,i do not swear1 ,i do not drink4 ,but then1 ,i am not a ,christian4 ,a traveler who believed himself to be sole survivor of a shipwreck upon a cannibal isle hid for three days1 in terror of his life4 ,driven out by hunger1 he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising from a clump of bushes inland1 and crawled carefully to study the type of savages about it4 ,just as he reached the clump he heard a voice say3 ,why in hell did you play that card8 ,he dropped on his knees and1 devoutly raising his hands1 cried3 ,thank ,god they are ,christians6 ,,christmas ,,gifts ,as you don't seem to know what you'd like for ,christmas1 ,freddie1 said his mother1 here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy4 ,freddie read over the list1 and then said3 ,mother1 haven't you a list for a bad little boy8 ',twas the month after ,christmas1 ,and ,santa had flit2 ,came there tidings for father ,which read3 ,please remit6 --,r4,l4,f4 ,little six-year-old ,harry was asked by his ,sunday-school teacher3 ,and1 ,harry1 what are you going to give your darling little brother for ,christmas this year8 ,i dunno1 said ,harry2 ,i gave him the measles last year4 ,for little children everywhere ,a joyous season still we make2 ,we bring our precious gifts to them1 ,even for the dear child ,jesus' sake4 --,phebe ,cary4 ,i will1 if you will1 devote my ,christmas giving to the children and the needy1 reserving only the privilege of1 once in a while1 giving to a dear friend a gift which then will have the old charm of being a genuine surprise4 ,i will1 if you will1 keep the spirit of ,christmas in my heart1 and1 barring out hurry1 worry1 and competition1 will consecrate the blessed season1 in joy and love1 to the ,one whose birth we celebrate4 --,jane ,porter ,williams4 ,,chronology ,,tourist--,they have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library in ,greece1 on which is inscribed '#djjj ,b4,c4' ,,englishman--,before ,carnegie1 ,i presume4 ,,church ,,attendance ,tremendous crowd up at our church last night4 ,new minister8 ,no it was burned down4 ,i understand1 said a young woman to another1 that at your church you are having such small congregations4 ,is that so8 ,yes1 answered the other girl1 so small that every time our rector says ',dearly ,beloved' you feel as if you had received a proposal6 ,are you a pillar of the church8 ,no1 ,i'm a flying buttress--,i support it from the outside4 ,,church ,,discipline ,pius the ,ninth was not without a certain sense of humor4 ,one day1 while sitting for his portrait to ,healy1 the painter1 speaking of a monk who had left the church and married1 he observed1 not without malice3 ,he has taken his punishment into his own hands4 ,,circus ,a well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late ,w4 ,c4 ,coup1 of circus fame1 once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business2 the faking in the side-show4 ,coup was the owner of a small circus that boasted among its principal attractions a man-eating ape1 alleged to be the largest in captivity4 ,this ferocious beast was exhibited chained to the dead trunk of a tree in the side-show4 ,early in the day of the first performance of ,coup's enterprise at a certain ,ohio town1 a countryman handed the man-eating ape a piece of tobacco1 in the chewing of which the beast evinced the greatest satisfaction4 ,the word was soon passed around that the ape would chew tobacco2 and the result was that several plugs were thrown at him4 ,unhappily1 however1 one of these had been filled with cayenne pepper4 ,the man-eating ape bit it2 then1 howling with indignation1 snapped the chain that bound him to the tree1 and made straight for the practical joker who had so cruelly deceived him4 ,lave me at 'im6 yelled the ape4 ,lave me at 'im1 the dirty villain6 ,i'll have the rube's loife1 or me name ain't ,magillicuddy6 ,fortunately for the countryman and for ,magillicuddy1 too1 the man-eating ape was restrained by the bystanders in time to prevent a killing4 ,willie to the circus went1 ,he thought it was immense2 ,his little heart went pitter-pat1 ,for the excitement was in tents4 --,harvard ,lampoon4 ,a child of strict parents1 whose greatest joy had hitherto been the weekly prayer-meeting1 was taken by its nurse to the circus for the first time4 ,when he came home he exclaimed3 ,oh1 ,mama1 if you once went to the circus you'd never1 never go to a prayer-meeting again in all your life4 ,johnny1 who had been to the circus1 was telling his teacher about the wonderful things he had seen4 ,an' teacher1 he cried1 they had one big animal they called the hip--hip-- ,hippopotamus1 dear1 prompted the teacher4 ,i can't just say its name1 exclaimed ,johnny1 but it looks just like #i1jjj pounds of liver4 ,,civilization ,an officer of the ,indian ,office at ,washington tells of the patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the redskins4 ,on one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one institution when he came upon an ,indian lad of seventeen years4 ,the worker was engaged in a bit of carpentry1 which the visitor observed in silence for some minutes4 ,then1 with the utmost gravity1 he asked the boy3 ,are you civilized8 ,the youthful redskin lifted his eyes from his work1 calmly surveyed his questioner1 and then replied3 ,no1 are you8--,taylor ,edwards4 ,my dear1 listen to this1 exclaimed the elderly ,english lady to her husband1 on her first visit to the ,states4 ,she held the hotel menu almost at arm's length1 and spoke in a tone of horror3 ',baked ,indian pudding6' ,can it be possible in a civilized country8 ,the path of civilization is paved with tin cans4--,the ,philistine4 ,,cleanliness ,among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when ,i first took up mission work on the ,east ,side4 says a ,new ,york young woman1 was one to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the renovator of the ,augean stables4 ,and the families in this tenement were almost as hopeless as the tenement itself4 ,on one occasion ,i felt distinctly encouraged1 however1 since ,i observed that the face of one youngster was actually clean4 ',william1' said ,i1 'your face is fairly clean1 but how did you get such dirty hands8 ',washin' me face1' said ,william4 ,a woman in one of the factory towns of ,massachusetts recently agreed to take charge of a little girl while her mother1 a seamstress1 went to another town for a day's work4 ,the woman with whom the child had been left endeavored to keep her contented1 and among other things gave her a candy dog1 with which she played happily all day4 ,at night the dog had disappeared1 and the woman inquired whether it had been lost4 ,no1 it ain't lost1 answered the little girl4 ,i kept it 'most all day1 but it got so dirty that ,i was ashamed to look at it2 so ,i et it4--,fenimore ,martin4 ,how old are you8 once asked ,whistler of a ,london newsboy4 ,seven1 was the reply4 ,whistler insisted that he must be older than that1 and turning to his friend he remarked3 ,i don't think he could get as dirty as that in seven years1 do you8 ,if dirt was trumps1 what hands you would hold6--,charles ,lamb4 ,,clergy ,now1 children1 said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the ,sunday-school1 with what did ,samson arm himself to fight against the ,philistines8 ,none of the children could tell him4 ,oh1 yes1 you know6 he said1 and to help them he tapped his jaw with one finger4 ,what is this8 he asked4 ,this jogged their memories1 and the class cried in chorus3 ,the jawbone of an ass4 ,all work and no plagiarism makes a dull parson4 ,bishop ,doane of ,albany was at one time rector of an ,episcopal church in ,hartford1 and ,mark ,twain1 who occasionally attended his services1 played a joke upon him1 one ,sunday4 ,dr4 ,doane1 he said at the end of the service1 ,i enjoyed your sermon this morning4 ,i welcomed it like on old friend4 ,i have1 you know1 a book at home containing every word of it4 ,you have not1 said ,dr4 ,doane4 ,i have so4 ,well1 send that book to me4 ,i'd like to see it4 ,i'll send it1 the humorist replied4 ,next morning he sent an unabridged dictionary to the rector4 ,the four-year-old daughter of a clergyman was ailing one night and was put to bed early4 ,as her mother was about to leave her she called her back4 ,mamma1 she said1 ,i want to see my papa4 ,no1 dear1 her mother replied1 your papa is busy and must not be disturbed4 ,but1 mamma1 the child persisted1 ,i want to see my papa4 ,as before1 the mother replied3 ,no1 your papa must not be disturbed4 ,but the little one came back with a clincher3 ,mamma1 she declared solemnly1 ,i am a sick woman1 and ,i want to see my minister4 ,,professor--,now1 ,mr4 ,jones1 assuming you were called to attend a patient who had swallowed a coin1 what would be your method of procedure8 ,,young ,,medico--,i'd send for a preacher1 sir4 ,they'll get money out of anyone4 ,archbishop ,ryan was once accosted on the streets of ,baltimore by a man who knew the archbishop's face1 but could not quite place it4 ,now1 where in hell have ,i seen you8 he asked perplexedly4 ,from where in hell do you come1 sir8 ,a ,duluth pastor makes it a point to welcome any strangers cordially1 and one evening1 after the completion of the service1 he hurried down the aisle to station himself at the door4 ,he noticed a ,swedish girl1 evidently a servant1 so he welcomed her to the church1 and expressed the hope that she would be a regular attendant4 ,finally he said if she would be at home some evening during the week he would call4 ,t'ank you1 she murmured bashfully1 but ay have a fella4 ,a minister of a fashionable church in ,newark had always left the greeting of strangers to be attended to by the ushers1 until he read the newspaper articles in reference to the matter4 ,suppose a reporter should visit our church8 said his wife4 ,wouldn't it be awful8 ,it would1 the minister admitted4 ,the following ,sunday evening he noticed a plainly dressed woman in one of the free pews4 ,she sat alone and was clearly not a member of the flock4 ,after the benediction the minister hastened and intercepted her at the door4 ,how do you do8 he said1 offering his hand1 ,i am very glad to have you with us4 ,thank you1 replied the young woman4 ,i hope we may see you often in our church home1 he went on4 ,we are always glad to welcome new faces4 ,yes1 sir4 ,do you live in this parish8 he asked4 ,the girl looked blank4 ,if you will give me your address my wife and ,i will call on you some evening4 ,you wouldn't need to go far1 sir1 said the young woman1 ,i'm your cook6 ,bishop ,goodsell1 of the ,methodist ,episcopal church1 weighs over two hundred pounds4 ,it was with mingled emotions1 therefore that he read the following in ,zion's ,herald some time ago3 ,the announcement that our ,new ,england bishop1 ,daniel ,a4 ,goodsell1 has promised to preach at the ,willimantic camp meeting1 will give great pleasure to the hosts of ,israel who are looking forward to that feast of fat things4 ,it is a standing rule of a company whose boats ply the ,great ,lakes that clergymen and ,indians may travel on its boats for half-fare4 ,a short time ago an agent of the company was approached by an ,indian preacher from ,canada1 who asked for free transportation on the ground that he was entitled to one-half rebate because he was an ,indian1 and the other half because he was a clergyman4--,elgin ,burroughs4 ,booker ,washington1 as all the world knows1 believes that the salvation of his race lies in industry4 ,thus1 if a young man wants to be a clergyman1 he will meet with but little encouragement from the head of ,tuskegee2 but if he wants to be a blacksmith or a bricklayer1 his welcome is warm and hearty4 ,dr4 ,washington1 in a recent address in ,chicago1 said3 ,the world is overfull of preachers and when an aspirant for the pulpit comes to me1 ,i am inclined to tell him about the old uncle working in the cotton field who said3 ',de cotton am so grassy1 de work am so hard1 and de sun am so hot1 ,ah 'clare to goodness ,ah believe dis darkey am called to preach4' ,on one occasion the minister delivered a sermon of but ten minutes' duration--a most unusual thing for him4 ,upon the conclusion of his remarks he added3 ,i regret to inform you1 brethren1 that my dog1 who appears to be peculiarly fond of paper1 this morning ate that portion of my sermon that ,i have not delivered4 ,let us pray4 ,after the service the clergyman was met at the door by a man who as a rule1 attended divine service in another parish4 ,shaking the good man by the hand he said3 ,doctor1 ,i should like to know whether that dog of yours has any pups4 ,if so ,i want to get one to give to my minister4 ,recipe for a parson3 ,to a cupful of negative goodness ,add the pleasure of giving advice4 ,sift in a peck of dry sermons1 ,and flavor with brimstone or ice4 --,life4 ,a pompous ,bishop of ,oxford was once stopped on a ,london street by a ragged urchin4 ,well1 my little man1 and what can ,i do for you8 inquired the churchman4 ,the time o' day1 please1 your lordship4 ,with considerable difficulty the portly bishop extracted his timepiece4 ,it is exactly half past five1 my lad4 ,well1 said the boy1 setting his feet for a good start1 at 'alf past six you go to 'ell6--and he was off like a flash and around the corner4 ,the bishop1 flushed and furious1 his watch dangling from its chain1 floundered wildly after him4 ,but as he rounded the corner he ran plump into the outstretched arms of the venerable ,bishop of ,london4 ,oxford1 ,oxford1 remonstrated that surprised dignitary1 why this unseemly haste8 ,puffing1 blowing1 spluttering1 the outraged ,bishop gasped out3 ,that young ragamuffin--,i told him it was half past five--he--er--told me to go to hell at half past six4 ,yes1 yes1 said the ,bishop of ,london with the suspicion of a twinkle in his kindly old eyes1 but why such haste8 ,you've got almost an hour4 ,skilful alike with tongue and pen1 ,he preached to all men everywhere ,the ,gospel of the ,golden ,rule1 ,the ,new ,commandment given to men1 ,thinking the deed1 and not the creed1 ,would help us in our utmost need4 --,longfellow4 ,see also ,burglars2 ,contribution box2 ,preaching2 ,resignation4 ,,climate ,in a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke1 to his no small annoyance1 for he was very sensitive4 ,at length1 in despair of living down his reputation1 he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station4 ,a brief correspondance ensued4 ,why1 asked headquarters1 do you wish to be transferred8 ,because1 the forecaster promptly replied1 the climate doesn't agree with me4 ,,clothing ,one morning as ,mark ,twain returned from a neighborhood morning call1 sans necktie1 his wife met him at the door with the exclamation3 ,there1 ,sam1 you have been over to the ,stowes's again without a necktie6 ,it's really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress6 ,her husband said nothing1 but went up to his room4 ,a few minutes later his neighbor--,mrs4 ,s4--was summoned to the door by a messenger1 who presented her with a small box neatly done up4 ,she opened it and found a black silk necktie1 accompanied by the following note3 ,here is a necktie4 ,take it out and look at it4 ,i think ,i stayed half an hour this morning4 ,at the end of that time will you kindly return it1 as it is the only one ,i have8--,mark ,twain4 ,a man whose trousers bagged badly at the knees was standing on a corner waiting for a car4 ,a passing ,irishman stopped and watched him with great interest for two or three minutes2 at last he said3 ,well1 why don't ye jump8 ,the evening wore on1 continued the man who was telling the story4 ,excuse me1 interrupted the would-be-wit2 but can you tell us what the evening wore on that occasion8 ,i don't know that it is important1 replied the story-teller4 ,but if you must know1 ,i believe it was the close of a summer day4 ,see that measuring worm crawling up my skirt6 cried ,mrs4 ,bjenks4 ,that's a sign ,i'm going to have a new dress4 ,well1 let him make it for you1 growled ,mr4 ,bjenks4 ,and while he's about it1 have him send a hookworm to do you up the back4 ,i'm tired of the job4 ,dwellers in huts and in marble halls-- ,from ,shepherdess up to ,queen-- ,cared little for bonnets1 and less for shawls1 ,and nothing for crinoline4 ,but now simplicity's not the rage1 ,and it's funny to think how cold ,the dress they wore in the ,golden ,age ,would seem in the ,age of ,gold4 --,henry ,s4 ,leigh4 ,costly thy habit as thy purse can buy1 ,but not express'd in fancy2 rich1 not gaudy2 ,for the apparel oft proclaims the man4 --,shakespeare4 ,,clubs ,belle and ,ben had just announced their engagement4 ,when we are married1 said ,belle1 ,i shall expect you to shave every morning4 ,it's one of the rules of the club ,i belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morning4 ,oh1 that's all right1 replied ,ben2 but what about the mornings ,i don't get home in time8 ,i belong to a club1 too4--,m4,a4 ,hitchcock4 ,the guest landing at the yacht club float with his host1 both of them wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching rain1 inquired3 ,and who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda1 looking so spick and span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers1 and keeping the waiters running all the time8 ,they're the rocking-chair members4 ,they never go outside1 and they're waterproof inside4 ,one afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of ,mrs4 ,lyons to form a woman's club4 ,the hostess was unanimously elected president4 ,the next day the following ad appeared in the newspaper3 ,wanted--a reliable woman to take care of a baby4 ,apply to ,mrs4 ,j4 ,w4 ,lyons4 ,,coal ,,dealers ,in a ,kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted4 ,for weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church4 ,one day he asked3 ,why can't you join the church like ,i did8 ,it's a fine thing for you to belong to the church1 replied the younger brother1 ,if ,i join the church who'll weigh the coal8 ,,coeducation ,the speaker was waxing eloquent1 and after his peroration on woman's rights he said3 ,when they take our girls1 as they threaten1 away from the coeducational colleges1 what will follow8 ,what will follow1 ,i repeat8 ,and a loud1 masculine voice in the audience replied3 ,i will6 ,,coffee ,among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to ,bismarck4 ,he liked coffee unadulterated4 ,while with the ,prussian ,army in ,france he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house4 ,he had4 ,bismarck said--,well1 bring it to me2 all you have4 ,the man obeyed and handed ,bismarck a canister full of chicory4 ,are you sure this is all you have8 demanded the ,chancellor4 ,yes1 my lord1 every grain4 ,then1 said ,bismarck1 keeping the canister by him1 go now and make me a pot of coffee4 ,,coins ,he had just returned from ,paris and said to his old aunt in the country3 ,here1 ,aunt1 is a silver franc piece ,i brought you from ,paris as a souvenir4 ,thanks1 ,herman1 said the old lady4 ,i wish you'd thought to have brought me home one of them ,latin quarters ,i read so much about4 ,,collecting ,,of ,,accounts ,an enterprising firm advertised3 ,all persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle4 ,all those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out4 ,those knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call1 are requested to stay in one place long enough for us to catch them4 ,sir1 said the haughty ,american to his adhesive tailor1 ,i object to this boorish dunning4 ,i would have you know that my great-great-grandfather was one of the early settlers4 ,and yet1 sighed the anxious tradesman1 there are people who believe in heredity4 ,a retail dealer in buggies doing business in one of the large towns in northern ,indiana wrote to a firm in the east ordering a carload of buggies4 ,the firm wired him3 ,cannot ship buggies until you pay for your last consignment4 ,unable to wait so long1 wired back the buggy dealer1 cancel order4 ,the saddest words of tongue or pen ,may be perhaps1 ,it might have been1 ,the sweetest words we know1 by heck1 ,are only these ,enclosed find check6 --,minne-,ha-,ha4 ,,collectors ,,and ,,collecting ,sir ,walter ,raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with ,queen ,elizabeth4 ,it was very good of you1 ,sir ,walter1 said her ,majesty1 smiling sweetly upon the gallant ,knight1 to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by that horrid puddle4 ,may ,i not instruct my ,lord ,high ,treasurer to reimburse you for it8 ,don't mention it1 your ,majesty1 replied ,raleigh4 ,it only cost two and six1 and ,i have already sold it to an ,american collector for eight thousand pounds4 ,,college ,,graduates ,can't ,i take your order for one of our encyclopedias6 asked the dapper agent4 ,no ,i guess not1 said the busy man4 ,i might be able to use it a few times1 but my son will be home from college in ,june4 ,,college ,,students ,say1 dad1 remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college8 ,yes4 ,well1 ,i was just thinking1 dad1 how true it is that history repeats itself4 ,,wanted3 ,burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority houses4 ,we haven't made a nickel in two years4 ,the ,gas ,co4--,michigan ,gargoyle4 ,,freshman--,i have a sliver in my finger4 ,,sop--,been scratching your head8 ,,stude--,do you smoke1 professor8 ,,prof4--,why1 yes1 ,i'm very fond of a good cigar4 ,,stude--,do you drink1 sir8 ,,prof4--,yes1 indeed1 ,i enjoy nothing better than a bottle of wine4 ,,stude--,gee1 it's going to cost me something to pass this course4--,cornell ,widow4 ,three boys from ,yale1 ,princeton and ,harvard were in a room when a lady entered4 ,the ,yale boy asked languidly if some fellow ought not to give a chair to the lady2 the ,princeton boy slowly brought one1 and the ,harvard boy deliberately sat down in it4--,life4 ,a college professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he delighted when the hour struck4 ,the students immediately began to slam down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and to prepare to leave4 ,the professor1 annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence1 held up his hand3 ,wait just one minute1 gentlemen4 ,i have a few more pearls to cast4 ,when ,rutherford ,b4 ,hayes was a student at college it was his custom to take a walk before breakfast4 ,one morning two of his student friends went with him4 ,after walking a short distance they met an old man with a long white beard4 ,thinking that they would have a little fun at the old man's expense1 the first one bowed to him very gracefully and said3 ,good morning1 ,father ,abraham4 ,the next one made a low bow and said3 ,good morning1 ,father ,isaac4 ,young ,hayes then made his bow and said3 ,good morning ,father ,jacob4 ,the old man looked at them a moment and then said3 ,young men1 ,i am neither ,abraham1 ,isaac nor ,jacob4 ,i am ,saul1 the son of ,kish1 and ,i am out looking for my father's asses1 and lo1 ,i have found them4 ,a western college boy amused himself by writing stories and giving them to papers for nothing4 ,his father objected and wrote to the boy that he was wasting his time4 ,in answer the college lad wrote3 ,so1 dad1 you think ,i am wasting my time in writing for the local papers and cite ,johnson's saying that the man who writes1 except for money1 is a fool4 ,i shall act upon ,doctor ,johnson's suggestion and write for money4 ,send me fifty dollars4 ,the president of an eastern university had just announced in chapel that the freshman class was the largest enrolled in the history of the institution4 ,immediately he followed the announcement by reading the text for the morning3 ,lord1 how are they increased that trouble me6 ,,stude4--,is it possible to confide a secret to you8 ,,friend--,certainly4 ,i will be as silent as the grave4 ,,stude--,well1 then1 ,i have a pressing need for two bucks4 ,,friend--,do not worry4 ,it is as if ,i had heard nothing4 ---,michigan ,gargoyle4 ,why did you come to college1 anyway8 ,you are not studying1 said the ,professor4 ,well1 said ,willie1 ,i don't know exactly myself4 ,mother says it is to fit me for the ,presidency2 ,uncle ,bill1 to sow my wild oats2 ,sis1 to get a chum for her to marry1 and ,pa1 to bankrupt the family4 ,a young ,irishman at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his uncle as follows3 ,dear ,uncle4--,if you could see how ,i blush for shame while ,i am writing1 you would pity me4 ,do you know why8 ,because ,i have to ask you for a few dollars1 and do not know how to express myself4 ,it is impossible for me to tell you4 ,i prefer to die4 ,i send you this by messenger1 who will wait for an answer4 ,believe me1 my dearest uncle1 your most obedient and affectionate nephew4 ,p4,s4--,overcome with shame for what ,i have written1 ,i have been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from him1 but ,i cannot catch him4 ,heaven grant that something may happen to stop him1 or that this letter may get lost4 ,the uncle was naturally touched1 but was equal to the emergency4 ,he replied as follows3 ,my ,dear ,jack--,console yourself and blush no more4 ,providence has heard your prayers4 ,the messenger lost your letter4 ,your affectionate uncle4 ,the professor was delivering the final lecture of the term4 ,he dwelt with much emphasis on the fact that each student should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final examinations4 ,the examination papers are now in the hands of the printer4 ,are there any questions to be asked8 ,silence prevailed4 ,suddenly a voice from the rear inquired3 ,who's the printer8 ,it was ,commencement ,day at a well-known woman's college1 and the father of one of the young women came to attend the graduation exercises4 ,he was presented to the president1 who said1 ,i congratulate you1 sir1 upon your extremely large and affectionate family4 ,large and affectionate8 he stammered and looking very much surprised4 ,yes1 indeed1 said the president4 ,no less than twelve of your daughter's brothers have called frequently during the winter to take her driving and sleighing1 while your eldest son escorted her to the theater at least twice a week4 ,unusually nice brothers they are4 ,the world's great men have not commonly been great scholars1 nor its great scholars great men4--,o4,w4 ,holmes4 ,see also ,harvard university2 ,scholarship4 ,,colleges ,,and ,,universities ,the college is a coy maid-- ,she has a habit quaint ,of making eyes at millionaires ,and winking at the taint4 --,judge4 ,what is a 'faculty'8 ,a 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape4--,cornell ,widow4 ,yale ,university is to have a ton of fossils4 ,whether for the faculty or for the museums is not announced4--,the ,atlanta ,journal4 ,,first ,,trustee--,but this ancient institution of learning will fail unless something is done4 ,,second ,,trustee--,true2 but what can we do8 ,we have already raised the tuition until it is almost #a per cent of the fraternity fees4--,puck4 ,the president of the university had dark circles under his eyes4 ,his cheek was pallid2 his lips were trembling2 he wore a hunted expression4 ,you look ill1 said his wife4 ,what is wrong1 dear8 ,nothing much1 he replied4 ,but--,i--,i had a fearful dream last night1 and ,i feel this morning as if ,i--as if ,i-- ,it was evident that his nervous system was shattered4 ,what was the dream8 asked his wife4 ,i--,i--dreamed the trustees required that--that ,i should--that ,i should pass the freshman examination for--admission6 sighed the president4 ,,common ,,sense ,a mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town4 ,it was shrouded in mystery4 ,all that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory4 ,an old farmer1 driving past the place after work had been started1 and seeing a man in the doorway1 called to him3 ,what be ye doin' in this place8 ,we are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve all things1 said the chemist4 ,what good will thet be8 ,imagine1 sir6 ,it will dissolve all things4 ,if we want a solution of iron1 glass1 gold--anything1 all that we have to do is to drop it in this solution4 ,fine1 said the farmer1 fine6 ,what be ye goin' to keep it in8 ,,commuters ,,briggs--,is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs8 ,,griggs--,yes2 they raised the commutation rates on me and ,i have transferred to a town girl4 ,i see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food1 remarked the first commuter4 ,yes1 said the second commuter1 ,i was missing too many trains4 ,the old brand required three seconds to prepare4 ,you can fix this new brand in a second and a half4 ,after the sermon on ,sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands with a young ,german4 ,and are you a regular communicant8 said the rector4 ,yes1 said the ,german3 ,i take the #g3de every morning4--,m4,l4 ,hayward4 ,a suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards of #ahid4 ,finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it again were futile4 ,in the wee1 small hours of the morning a weary commuter1 numb from the cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep1 crawled out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the nearest telegraph station4 ,this is the message he handed to the operator3 ,will not be at office to-day4 ,not home yesterday yet4 ,a nervous commuter on his dark1 lonely way home from the railroad station heard footsteps behind him4 ,he had an uncomfortable feeling that he was being followed4 ,he increased his speed4 ,the footsteps quickened accordingly4 ,the commuter darted down a lane4 ,the footsteps still pursued him4 ,in desperation he vaulted over a fence and1 rushing into a churchyard1 threw himself panting on one of the graves4 ,if he follows me here1 he thought fearfully1 there can be no doubt as to his intentions4 ,the man behind was following4 ,he could hear him scrambling over the fence4 ,visions of highwaymen1 maniacs1 garroters and the like flashed through his brain4 ,quivering with fear1 the nervous one arose and faced his pursuer4 ,what do you want8 he demanded4 ,wh-why are you following me8 ,say1 asked the stranger1 mopping his brow1 do you always go home like this8 ,i'm going up to ,mr4 ,brown's and the man at the station told me to follow you1 as you lived next door4 ,excuse my asking you1 but is there much more to do before we get there8 ,,comparisons ,a milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price4 ,it was a big white picture-hat4 ,law1 no1 honey6 exclaimed the woman4 ,i could nevah wear that4 ,i'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk4 ,a well-known author tells of an ,english spinster who said1 as she watched a great actress writhing about the floor as ,cleopatra3 ,how different from the home life of our late dear queen6 ,darling1 whispered the ardent suitor1 ,i lay my fortune at your feet4 ,your fortune8 she replied in surprise4 ,i didn't know you had one4 ,well1 it isn't much of a fortune1 but it will look large besides those tiny feet4 ,girls make me tired1 said the fresh young man4 ,they are always going to palmists to have their hands read4 ,indeed6 said she sweetly2 is that any worse than men going into saloons to get their noses red8 ,a friend once wrote ,mark ,twain a letter saying that he was in very bad health1 and concluding3 ,is there anything worse than having toothache and earache at the same time8 ,the humorist wrote back3 ,yes1 rheumatism and ,saint ,vitus's dance4 ,the ,rev4 ,dr4 ,william ,emerson1 of ,boston1 son of ,ralph ,waldo ,emerson1 recently made a trip through the ,south1 and one ,sunday attended a meeting in a colored church4 ,the preacher was a white man1 however1 a white man whose first name was ,george1 and evidently a prime favorite with the colored brethren4 ,when the service was over ,dr4 ,emerson walked home behind two members of the congregation1 and overheard this conversation3 ,massa ,george am a mos' pow'ful preacher4 ,he am dat4 ,he's mos's pow'ful as ,abraham ,lincoln4 ,huh6 ,he's mo' pow'ful dan ,lincoln4 ,he's mos' 's pow'ful as ,george ,washin'ton4 ,huh6 ,he's mo' pow'ful dan ,washin'ton4 ,massa ,george ain't quite as pow'ful as ,god4 ,n-n-o1 not quite4 ,but he's a young man yet4 ,is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the comparisons made between wit and wit1 courage and courage1 beauty and beauty1 birth and birth1 are always odious and ill taken8--,cervantes4 ,,compensation ,speakin' of de law of compensation1 said ,uncle ,eben1 an automobile goes faster dan a mule1 but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer4 ,,competition ,a new baby arrived at a house4 ,a little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family4 ,every one made much of her1 but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected4 ,how are you1 ,mary8 a visitor asked of her one afternoon4 ,oh1 ,i'm all right1 she said1 except that ,i think there is too much competition in this world4 ,a farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields4 ,the very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain4 ,he put away his machine4 ,it's no use1 he said2 you can do nothing nowadays without competition4 ,,compliments ,supper was in progress1 and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning3 ,the first thing ,i saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow1 and then a crowd gathered4 ,the man who was struck ran and grabbed a large shovel he had been using on the street1 and rushed back1 his eyes blazing fiercely4 ,i thought he'd surely knock the other man's brains out1 and ,i stepped right in between them4 ,the young son of the family had become so hugely interested in the narrative as it proceeded that he had stopped eating his pudding4 ,so proud was he of his father's valor1 his eyes fairly shone1 and he cried3 ,he couldn't knock any brains out of you1 could he1 ,father8 ,father looked at him long and earnestly1 but the lad's countenance was frank and open4 ,father gasped slightly1 and resumed his supper4 ,see also ,tact4 ,,composers ,recipe for the musical comedy composer3 ,librettos of all of the operas1 ,some shears and a bottle of paste1 ,curry the hits of last season1 ,add tumpty-tee tra la to taste4 --,life4 ,,compromises ,boss--,there's #aj gone from my cash drawer1 ,johnny2 you and ,i were the only people who had keys to that drawer4 ,office ,boy--,well1 s'pose we each pay #e and say no more about it4 ,,confessions ,you say ,garston made a complete confession8 ,what did he get--five years8 ,no1 fifty dollars4 ,he confessed to the magazines4--,puck4 ,little ,ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly4 ,one afternoon she came sobbing penitently to her mother4 ,mother1 ,i--,i broke a brick in the fireplace4 ,well1 it might be worse4 ,but how on earth did you do it1 ,ethel8 ,i pounded it with your watch4 ,confession is good for the soul4 ,yes1 but it's bad for the reputation4 ,,congress ,congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it4--,life4 ,judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers1 says a congressman1 we are a pretty bad lot4 ,almost in the class a certain miss whom ,i know unconsciously puts us in4 ,it was at a recent examination at her school that the question was put1 ',who makes the laws of our government8' ',congress1' was the united reply4 ',how is ,congress divided8' was the next query4 ,my young friend raised her hand4 ',well1' said the teacher1 'what do you say the answer is8' ,instantly1 with an air of confidence as well as triumph1 the ,miss replied1 ',civilized1 half civilized1 and savage4' ,,congressmen ,it was at a banquet in ,washington given to a large body of congressmen1 mostly from the rural districts4 ,the tables were elegant1 and it was a scene of fairy splendor2 but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves4 ,here1 said a congressman to the head waiter1 why don't you put them things on our table too8 pointing to the plants4 ,the head waiter didn't know he was a congressman4 ,we cain't do it1 boss1 he whispered confidentially2 dey's mostly congressmen at 'dis table1 an' if we put pa'ms on de table dey take um for celery an' eat um all up sho4 ',deed dey would1 boss4 ,we knows 'em4 ,representative ,x1 from ,north ,carolina1 was one night awakened by his wife1 who whispered1 ,john1 ,john1 get up6 ,there are robbers in the house4 ,robbers8 he said4 ,there may be robbers in the ,senate1 ,mary2 but not in the ,house6 ,it's preposterous6--,john ,n4 ,cole1 ,jr4 ,champ ,clark loves to tell of how in the heat of a debate ,congressman ,johnson of ,indiana called an ,illinois representative a jackass4 ,the expression was unparliamentary1 and in retraction ,johnson said3 ,while ,i withdraw the unfortunate word1 ,mr4 ,speaker1 ,i must insist that the gentleman from ,illinois is out of order4 ,how am ,i out of order8 yelled the man from ,illinois4 ,probably a veterinary surgeon could tell you1 answered ,johnson1 and that was parliamentary enough to stay on the record4 ,a ,georgia ,congressman had put up at an ,american-plan hotel in ,new ,york4 ,when1 upon sitting down at dinner the first evening of his stay1 the waiter obsequiously handed him a bill of fare1 the ,congressman tossed it aside1 slipped the waiter a dollar bill1 and said1 ,bring me a good dinner4 ,the dinner proving satisfactory1 the ,southern member pursued this plan during his entire stay in ,new ,york4 ,as the last tip was given1 he mentioned that he was about to return to ,washington4 ,whereupon1 the waiter1 with an expression of great earnestness1 said3 ,well1 sir1 when you or any of your friends that can't read come to ,new ,york1 just ask for ,dick4 ,,conscience ,the moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the still small voice before it is driven to the use of the telephone4 ,a ,new ,york lawyer1 gazing idly out of his window1 saw a sight in an office across the street that made him rub his eyes and look again4 ,yes1 there was no doubt about it4 ,the pretty stenographer was sitting upon the gentleman's lap4 ,the lawyer noticed the name that was lettered on the window and then searched in the telephone book4 ,still keeping his eye upon the scene across the street1 he called the gentleman up4 ,in a few moments he saw him start violently and take down the receiver4 ,yes1 said the lawyer through the telephone1 ,i should think you would start4 ,the victim whisked his arm from its former position and began to stammer something4 ,yes1 continued the lawyer severely1 ,i think you'd better take that arm away4 ,and while you're about it1 as long as there seems to be plenty of chairs in the room-- ,the victim brushed the lady from his lap1 rather roughly1 it is to be feared4 ,who--who the devil is this1 anyhow8 he managed to splutter4 ,i1 answered the lawyer in deep1 impressive tones1 am your conscience6 ,a quiet conscience makes one so serene6 ,christians have burnt each other1 quite persuaded ,that all the ,apostles would have done as they did4 --,byron4 ,oh1 ,conscience6 ,conscience6 man's most faithful friend1 ,him canst thou comfort1 ease1 relieve1 defend2 ,but if he will thy friendly checks forego1 ,thou art1 oh6 woe for me his deadliest foe6 --,crabbe4 ,,consequences ,a teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words results and consequences4 ,a bright girl replied1 ,results are what you expect1 and consequences are what you get4 ,consequences are unpitying4 ,our deeds carry their terrible consequences1 quite apart from any fluctuations that went before--consequences that are hardly ever confined to ourselves4--,george ,eliot4 ,,consideration ,the goose had been carved at the ,christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it4 ,it was excellent4 ,the negro minister1 who was the guest of honor1 could not restrain his enthusiasm4 ,dat's as fine a goose as ,i evah see1 ,bruddah ,williams1 he said to his host4 ,whar did you git such a fine goose8 ,well1 now1 ,pahson1 replied the carver of the goose1 exhibiting great dignity and reticence1 when you preaches a speshul good sermon ,i never axes you whar you got it4 ,i hopes you will show me de same considerashion4 ,a clergyman1 who was summoned in haste by a woman who had been taken suddenly ill1 answered the call though somewhat puzzled by it1 for he knew that she was not of his parish1 and was1 moreover1 known to be a devoted worker in another church4 ,while he was waiting to be shown to the sick-room he fell to talking to the little girl of the house4 ,it is very gratifying to know that your mother thought of me in her illness1 said he1 ,is your minister out of town8 ,oh1 no1 answered the child1 in a matter-of-fact tone4 ,he's home2 only we thought it might be something contagious1 and we didn't want to take any risks4 ,,constancy ,a soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a ,general who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry1 as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank4 ,well1 go-away1 said the ,general1 and if you come back to me a year from today in the same frame of mind you shall marry4 ,i'll keep the vacancy4 ,on the anniversary the soldier repeated his request4 ,but do you really1 after a year1 want to marry8 inquired the ,general in a surprised tone4 ,yes1 sir2 very much4 ,sergeant-,major1 take his name down4 ,yes1 you may marry4 ,i never believed there was so much constancy in man or woman4 ,right face2 quick march6 ,as the man left the room1 turning his head1 he said1 ,thank you1 sir2 but it isn't the same woman4 ,,contribution ,,box ,the parson looks it o'er and frets4 ,it puts him out of sorts ,to see how many times he gets ,a penny for his thoughts4 --,j4,j4 ,o',connell4 ,there were introductions all around4 ,the big man stared in a puzzled way at the club guest4 ,you look like a man ,i've seen somewhere1 ,mr4 ,blinker1 he said4 ,your face seems familiar4 ,i fancy you have a double4 ,and a funny thing about it is that ,i remember ,i formed a strong prejudice against the man who looks like you--although1 ,i'm quite sure1 we never met4 ,the little guest softly laughed4 ,i'm the man1 he answered1 and ,i know why you formed the prejudice4 ,i passed the contribution plate for two years in the church you attended4 ,the collections had fallen off badly in the colored church and the pastor made a short address before the box was passed4 ,i don' want any man to gib mo' dan his share1 bredern1 he said gently1 but we mus' all gib ercordin' to what we rightly hab4 ,i say 'rightly hab1 bredern1 because we don't want no tainted money in dis box4 ',squire ,jones tol' me dat he done miss some chickens dis week4 ,now if any of our bredern hab fallen by de wayside in connection wif dose chickens let him stay his hand from de box4 ,now1 ,deacon ,smiff1 please pass de box while ,i watch de signs an' see if dere's any one in dis congregation dat needs me ter wrastle in prayer fer him4 ,a newly appointed ,scotch minister on his first ,sunday of office had reason to complain of the poorness of the collection4 ,mon1 replied one of the elders1 they are close--vera close4 ,but1 confidentially1 the auld meenister he put three or four saxpenses into the plate hissel'1 just to gie them a start4 ,of course he took the saxpenses awa' with him afterward4 ,the new minister tried the same plan1 but the next ,sunday he again had to report a dismal failure4 ,the total collection was not only small1 but he was grieved to find that his own sixpences were missing4 ,ye may be a better preacher than the auld meenister1 exclaimed the elder1 but if ye had half the knowledge o' the world1 an' o' yer ain flock in particular1 ye'd ha' done what he did an' glued the saxpenses to the plate4 ,,police ,,commissioner--,if you were ordered to disperse a mob1 what would you do8 ,,applicant--,pass around the hat1 sir4 ,,police ,,commissioner--,that'll do2 you're engaged4 ,i advertized that the poor were made welcome in this church1 said the vicar to his congregation1 and as the offertory amounts to ninety-five cents1 ,i see that they have come4 ,see also ,salvation4 ,,conundrums ,mose1 what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men8 ,say1 boss1 dat nut am too hard to crack2 ,i'se gwine to give it up4 ,well1 ,mose1 one is a thinning scheme and the other is a skinning theme4 ,,conversation ,my dog understands every word ,i say4 ,um4 ,do you doubt it8 ,no1 ,i do not doubt the brute's intelligence4 ,the scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly4 ,,the ,,tall ,,and ,,aggressive ,,one--,excuse me1 but ,i'm in a hurry6 ,you've had that phone twenty minutes and not said a word6 ,,the ,,short ,,and ,,meek ,,one--,sir1 ,i'm talking to my wife4--,puck4 ,,hus 7during a quarrel7--,you talk like an idiot4 ,,wife--,i've got to talk so you can understand me4 ,irving ,bacheller1 it appears1 was on a tramping tour through ,new ,england4 ,he discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock4 ,fine corn1 said ,mr4 ,bacheller1 tentatively1 using a hillside filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice4 ,best in ,massachusetts1 said the sitter4 ,how do you plow that field8 asked ,mr4 ,bacheller4 ,it is so very steep4 ,don't plow it1 said the sitter4 ,when the spring thaws come1 the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn4 ,and how do you plant it8 asked ,mr4 ,bacheller4 ,the sitter said that he didn't plant it1 really4 ,he stood in his back door and shot the seed in with a shotgun4 ,is that the truth8 asked ,bacheller4 ,h--ll no1 said the sitter1 disgusted4 ,that's conversation4 ,conversation is the laboratory and workshop of the student4--,emerson4 ,a single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years' study of books4--,longfellow4 ,,cookery ,john1 ,john1 whispered an alarmed wife1 poking her sleeping husband in the ribs4 ,wake up1 ,john2 there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies4 ,well1 what do we care1 mumbled ,john1 rolling over1 so long as they don't die in the house8 ,this is certainly a modern cook-book in every way4 ,how so8 ,it says3 ',after mixing your bread1 you can watch two reels at the movies before putting it in the oven4'--,puck4 ,there was recently presented to a newly-married young woman in ,baltimore such a unique domestic proposition that she felt called upon to seek expert advice from another woman1 whom she knew to possess considerable experience in the cooking line4 ,mrs4 ,jones1 said the first mentioned young woman1 as she breathlessly entered the apartment of the latter1 ,i'm sorry to trouble you1 but ,i must have your advice4 ,what is the trouble1 my dear8 ,why1 ,i've just had a 'phone message from ,harry1 saying that he is going out this afternoon to shoot clay pigeons4 ,now1 he's bound to bring a lot home1 and ,i haven't the remotest idea how to cook them4 ,won't you please tell me8--,taylor ,edwards4 ,heaven sends us good meat1 but the devil sends us cooks4--,david ,garrick4 ,,cooks ,see ,servants4 ,,cornets ,spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on ,sunday would go to heaven4 ,the great preacher's reply was characteristic4 ,said he3 ,i don't see why he should not1 but--after a pause--,i doubt whether the man next door will4 ,,corns ,great aches from little toe-corns grow4 ,,corpulence ,the wife of a prominent ,judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer4 ,now1 the ,judge was pompous and extremely fat4 ,he tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds4 ,missus1 said the woman1 ,i'll do your washing1 but ,i'se gwine ter charge you double for your husband's shirts4 ,why1 what is your reason for that ,nancy1 questioned the mistress4 ,well1 said the laundress1 ,i don't mind washing fur an ordinary man1 but ,i draws de line on circus tents1 ,i sho' do4 ,an employee of a rolling mill was on his vacation when he fell in love with a handsome ,german girl4 ,upon his return to the works1 he went to ,mr4 ,carnegie and announced that as he wanted to get married he would like a little further time off4 ,mr4 ,carnegie appeared much interested4 ,tell me about her1 he said4 ,is she short or is she tall1 slender1 willowy8 ,well1 ,mr4 ,carnegie1 was the answer1 all ,i can say is that if ,i'd had the rolling of her1 ,i should have given her two or three more passes4 ,a very stout old lady1 bustling through the park on a sweltering hot day1 became aware that she was being closely followed by a rough-looking tramp4 ,what do you mean by following me in this manner8 she indignantly demanded4 ,the tramp slunk back a little4 ,but when the stout lady resumed her walk he again took up his position directly behind her4 ,see here1 she exclaimed1 wheeling angrily1 if you don't go away at once ,i shall call a policeman6 ,the unfortunate man looked up at her appealingly4 ,for ,heaven's sake1 kind lady1 have mercy an' don't call a policeman2 ye're the only shady spot in the whole park4 ,a jolly steamboat captain with more girth than height was asked if he had ever had any very narrow escapes4 ,yes1 he replied1 his eyes twinkling2 once ,i fell off my boat at the mouth of ,bear ,creek1 and1 although ,i'm an expert swimmer1 ,i guess ,i'd be there now if it hadn't been for my crew4 ,you see the water was just deep enough so's to be over my head when ,i tried to wade out1 and just shallow enough--he gave his body an explanatory pat--so that whenever ,i tried to swim out ,i dragged bottom4 ,a very large lady entered a street car and a young man near the door rose and said3 ,i will be one of three to give the lady a seat4 ,to our ,fat ,friends3 ,may their shadows never grow less4 ,see also ,dancing4 ,,cosmopolitanism ,secretary of ,state ,lazansky refused to incorporate the ,hell ,cafe of ,new ,york4 ,new ,york's cafes are singular enough1 said ,mr4 ,lazansky1 without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the ,hell4 ,he smiled and added3 ,is there anything quite so queerly cosmopolitan as a ,new ,york cafe8 ,in the last one ,i visited1 ,i saw a ,portuguese1 a ,german and an ,italian1 dressed in ,english clothes and seated at a table of ,spanish walnut1 lunching on ,russian caviar1 ,french rolls1 ,scotch salmon1 ,welsh rabbit1 ,swiss cheese1 ,dutch cake and ,malaga raisins4 ,they drank ,china tea and ,irish whisky4 ,,cost ,,of ,,living ,did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at ,willie ,smiggs8 asked the careful mother4 ,i did1 replied the busy father4 ,i don't care so much for the ,smiggs boy1 but ,i can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that4 ,live within your income1 was a maxim uttered by ,mr4 ,carnegie on his seventy-sixth birthday4 ,this is easy2 the difficulty is to live without it4--,satire4 ,you say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner8 ,no1 no6 ,this is an important robbery4 ,our dinner was stolen while we were putting on our jewels4 ,a grouchy butcher1 who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb the ladder of fame1 was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch when a would-be customer1 eight years old1 approached him and handed him a penny4 ,please1 mister1 ,i want a cent's worth of sausage4 ,turning on the youngster with a growl1 he let forth this burst of good salesmanship3 ,go smell o' the hook6 ,,tom--,my pa is very religious4 ,he always bows his head and says something before meals4 ,,dick--,mine always says something when he sits down to eat1 but he don't bow his head4 ,,tom--,what does he say8 ,,dick--,go easy on the butter1 kids1 it's forty cents a pound4 ,,country ,,life ,,bilter 7at servants' agency7--,have you got a cook who will go to the country8 ,,manager 7calling out to girls in next room7--,is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country8--,life4 ,,visitor--,you have a fine road leading from the station4 ,,sububs--,that's the path worn by servant-girls4 ,see also ,commuters2 ,servants4 ,,courage ,,aunt ,,ethel--,well1 ,beatrice1 were you very brave at the dentist's8 ,,beatrice--,yes1 auntie1 ,i was4 ,,aunt ,,ethel--,then1 there's the half crown ,i promised you4 ,and now tell me what he did to you4 ,,beatrice--,he pulled out two of ,willie's teeth6--,punch4 ,he was the small son of a bishop1 and his mother was teaching him the meaning of courage4 ,supposing1 she said1 there were twelve boys in one bedroom1 and eleven got into bed at once1 while the other knelt down to say his prayers1 that boy would show true courage4 ,oh6 said the young hopeful4 ,i know something that would be more courageous than that6 ,supposing there were twelve bishops in one bedroom1 and one got into bed without saying his prayers6 ,courage1 the highest gift1 that scorns to bend ,to mean devices for a sordid end4 ,courage--an independent spark from ,heaven's bright throne1 ,by which the soul stands raised1 triumphant1 high1 alone4 ,great in itself1 not praises of the crowd1 ,above all vice1 it stoops not to be proud4 ,courage1 the mighty attribute of powers above1 ,by which those great in war1 are great in love4 ,the spring of all brave acts is seated here1 ,as falsehoods draw their sordid birth from fear4 --,farquhar4 ,,courtesy ,the mayor of a ,french town had1 in accordance with the regulations1 to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance1 who1 in spite of a slight disfigurement1 was very vain of her personal appearance4 ,his native politeness prompted him to gloss over the defect1 and1 after a moment's reflection1 he wrote among the items of personal description3 ,eyes dark1 beautiful1 tender1 expressive1 but one of them missing4 ,mrs4 ,taft1 at a diplomatic dinner1 had for a neighbor a distinguished ,french traveler who boasted a little unduly of his nation's politeness4 ,we ,french1 the traveler declared1 are the politest people in the world4 ,every one acknowledges it4 ,you ,americans are a remarkable nation1 but the ,french excel you in politeness4 ,you admit it yourself1 don't you8 ,mrs4 ,taft smiled delicately4 ,yes1 she said4 ,that is our politeness4 ,justice ,moody was once riding on the platform of a ,boston street car standing next to the gate that protected passengers from cars coming on the other track4 ,a ,boston lady came to the door of the car and1 as it stopped1 started toward the gate1 which was hidden from her by the man standing before it4 ,other side1 lady1 said the conductor4 ,he was ignored as only a born-and-bred ,bostonian can ignore a man4 ,the lady took another step toward the gate4 ,you must get off the other side1 said the conductor4 ,i wish to get off on this side1 came the answer1 in tones that congealed that official4 ,before he could explain or expostulate ,mr4 ,moody came to his assistance4 ,stand to one side1 gentlemen1 he remarked quietly4 ,the lady wishes to climb over the gate4 ,,courts ,one day when old ,thaddeus ,stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't like the ruling of the presiding ,judge4 ,a second time when the ,judge ruled against old ,thad1 the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up his papers as if to quit the courtroom4 ,do ,i understand1 ,mr4 ,stevens1 asked the ,judge1 eying old ,thad indignantly1 that you wish to show your contempt for this court8 ,no1 sir2 no1 sir1 replied old ,thad4 ,i don't want to show my contempt1 sir2 ,i'm trying to conceal it4 ,it's all right to fine me1 ,judge1 laughed ,barrowdale1 after the proceedings were over1 but just the same you were ahead of me in your car1 and if ,i was guilty you were too4 ,ya'as1 ,i know1 said the judge with a chuckle1 ,i found myself guilty and hev jest paid my fine into the treasury same ez you4 ,bully for you6 said ,barrowdale4 ,by the way1 do you put these fines back into the roads8 ,no1 said the judge4 ,they go to the trial jestice in loo o' sal'ry4 ,a stranger came into an ,augusta bank the other day and presented a check for which he wanted the equivalent in cash4 ,have to be identified1 said the clerk4 ,the stranger took a bunch of letters from his pocket all addressed to the same name as that on the check4 ,the clerk shook his head4 ,the man thought a minute and pulled out his watch1 which bore the name on its inside cover4 ,clerk hardly glanced at it4 ,the man dug into his pockets and found one of those ,if-,i-should-die-tonight-please-notify- my-wife cards1 and called the clerk's attention to the description1 which fitted to a ,t4 ,but the clerk was still obdurate4 ,those things don't prove anything1 he said4 ,we've got to have the word of a man that we know4 ,but1 man1 ,i've given you an identification that would convict me of murder in any court in the land4 ,that's probably very true1 responded the clerk1 patiently1 but in matters connected with the bank we have to be more careful4 ,see also ,jury2 ,witnesses4 ,,courtship ,do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved8 ,yes1 if you're the first liar she has ever met4 ,augustus ,fitzgibbons ,moran ,fell in love with ,maria ,mc,cann4 ,with a yell and a whoop ,he cleared the front stoop ,just ahead of her papa's brogan4 ,,spoonleigh--,does your sister always look under the bed8 ,,her ,,little ,,brother--,yes1 and when you come to see her she always looks under the sofa4--,j4,j4 ,o',connell4 ,there was a young man from the ,west1 ,who loved a young lady with zest2 ,so hard did he press her ,to make her say1 ,yes1 sir1 ,that he broke three cigars in his vest4 ,i hope your father does not object to my staying so late1 said ,mr4 ,stayput as the clock struck twelve4 ,oh1 dear1 no1 replied ,miss ,dabbs1 with difficulty suppressing a yawn1 ,he says you save him the expense of a night-watchman4 ,there was an old monk of ,siberia1 ,whose existence grew drearier and drearier2 ,he burst from his cell ,with a hell of a yell1 ,and eloped with the ,mother ,superior4 ,it was scarcely half-past nine when the rather fierce-looking father of the girl entered the parlor where the timid lover was courting her4 ,the father had his watch in his hand4 ,young man1 he said brusquely1 do you know what time it is8 ,y-y-yes sir1 stuttered the frightened lover1 as he scrambled out into the hall2 ,i--,i was just going to leave6 ,after the beau had made a rapid exit1 the father turned to the girl and said in astonishment3 ,what was the matter with that fellow8 ,my watch has run down1 and ,i simply wanted to know the time4 ,what were you and ,mr4 ,smith talking about in the parlor8 asked her mother4 ,oh1 we were discussing our kith and kin1 replied the young lady4 ,the mother look dubiously at her daughter1 whereupon her little brother1 wishing to help his sister1 said3 ,yeth they wath1 ,mother4 ,i heard 'em4 ,mr4 ,thmith asked her for a kith and she thaid1 ',you kin4' ,during a discussion of the fitness of things in general some one asked3 ,if a young man takes his best girl to the grand opera1 spends #h on a supper after the performance1 and then takes her home in a taxicab1 should he kiss her goodnight8 ,an old bachelor who was present growled3 ,i don't think she ought to expect it4 ,seems to me he has done enough for her4 ,a young woman who was about to wed decided at the last moment to test her sweetheart4 ,so1 selecting the prettiest girl she knew1 she said to her1 though she knew it was a great risk4 ,i'll arrange for ,jack to take you out tonight--a walk on the beach in the moonlight1 a lobster supper and all that sort of thing--and ,i want you1 in order to put his fidelity to the proof1 to ask him for a kiss4 ,the other girl laughed1 blushed and assented4 ,the dangerous plot was carried out4 ,then the next day the girl in love visited the pretty one and said anxiously3 ,well1 did you ask him8 ,no1 dear4 ,no8 ,why not8 ,i didn't get a chance4 ,he asked me first4 ,uncle ,nehemiah1 the proprietor of a ramshackle little hotel in ,mobile1 was aghast at finding a newly arrived guest with his arm around his daughter's waist4 ,mandy1 tell that niggah to take his arm from around yo' wais'1 he indignantly commanded4 ,tell him you'self1 said ,amanda4 ,he's a puffect stranger to me4 ,jack and ,i have parted forever4 ,good gracious6 ,what does that mean8 ,means that ,i'll get a five-pound box of candy in about an hour4 ,here's to solitaire with a partner1 ,the only game in which one pair beats three of a kind4 ,see also ,love2 ,proposals4 ,,cowards ,mrs4 ,hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before4 ,yes1 she said1 ,i heard a noise and got up1 and there1 from under the bed1 ,i saw a man's legs sticking out4 ,mercy6 exclaimed a woman4 ,the burglar's legs8 ,no1 my dear2 my husband's legs4 ,he heard the noise1 too4 ,,mrs4 ,,peck--,henry1 what would you do if burglars broke into our house some night8 ,,mr4 ,,peck 7valiantly7--,humph6 ,i should keep perfectly cool1 my dear4 ,and when1 a few nights later1 burglars did break in1 ,henry kept his promise3 he hid in the ice-box4 ,johnny hasn't been to school long1 but he already holds some peculiar views regarding the administration of his particular room4 ,the other day he came home with a singularly morose look on his usually smiling face4 ,why1 ,johnny1 said his mother1 what's the matter8 ,i ain't going to that old school no more1 he fiercely announced4 ,why1 ,johnny1 said his mother reproachfully1 you mustn't talk like that4 ,what's wrong with the school8 ,i ain't goin' there no more1 ,johnny replied2 an it's because all th' boys in my room is blamed old cowards6 ,why1 ,johnny1 ,johnny6 ,yes1 they are4 ,there was a boy whisperin' this mornin'1 an' teacher saw him an' bumped his head on th' desk ever an' ever so many times4 ,an' those big cowards sat there an' didn't say quit nor nothin'4 ,they let that old teacher bang th' head off th' poor little boy1 an' they just sat there an' seen her do it6 ,and what did you do1 ,johnny8 ,i didn't do nothin'--,i was the boy6--,cleveland ,plain ,dealer4 ,a negro came running down the lane as though the ,old ,boy were after him4 ,what are you running for1 ,mose8 called the colonel from the barn4 ,i ain't a-runnin' fo'1 shouted back ,mose4 ,i'se a-runnin' from6 ,,cows ,little ,willie1 being a city boy1 had never seen a cow4 ,while on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin ,john4 ,a cow was grazing there1 and ,willie's curiosity was greatly excited4 ,oh1 ,cousin ,john1 what is that8 he asked4 ,why1 that is only a cow1 ,john replied4 ,and what are those things on her head8 ,horns1 answered ,john4 ,before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud4 ,willie was astounded4 ,looking back1 he demanded1 in a very fever of interest3 ,which horn did she blow8 ,there was an old man who said1 ,how ,shall ,i flee from this horrible cow8 ,i will sit on this stile ,and continue to smile1 ,which may soften the heart of that cow4 ,,criticism ,,first ,,music ,,critic--,i wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night6 ,,second ,,music ,,critic--,why8 ,,first ,,music ,,critic--,his playing was above criticism6 ,as soon ,seek roses in ,december--ice in ,june1 ,hope1 constancy in wind1 or corn in chaff2 ,believe a woman or an epitaph1 ,or any other thing that's false1 before ,you trust in critics4 --,byron4 ,it is much easier to be critical than to be correct4--,disraeli4 ,see also ,dramatic criticism4 ,,cruelty ,why do you beat your little son8 ,it was the cat that upset the vase of flowers4 ,i can't beat the cat4 ,i belong to the ,s4,p4,c4,a4 ,,cucumbers ,consider the ways of the little green cucumber1 which never does its best fighting till it's down4--,stanford ,chaparral4 ,,culture ,see ,kultur4 ,,curfew ,a former resident of ,marshall1 ,mo41 was asking about the old town4 ,i understand they have a curfew law out there now1 he said4 ,no1 his informant answered1 they did have one1 but they abandoned it4 ,what was the matter8 ,well1 the bell rang at #i o'clock1 and almost everyone complained that it woke them up4 ,,curiosity ,the ,christmas church services were proceeding very successfully when a woman in the gallery got so interested that she leaned out too far and fell over the railing4 ,her dress caught in a chandelier1 and she was suspended in mid-air4 ,the minister noticed her undignified position and thundered at the congregation3 ,any person in this congregation who turns around will be struck stone-blind4 ,a man1 whose curiosity was getting the better of him1 but who dreaded the clergyman's warning1 finally turned to his companion and said3 ,i'm going to risk one eye4 ,a one-armed man entered a restaurant at noon and seated himself next to a dapper little other-people's-business man4 ,the latter at once noticed his neighbor's left sleeve hanging loose and kept eying it in a how-did-it-happen sort of a way4 ,the one-armed man paid no attention to him but kept on eating with his one hand4 ,finally the inquisitive one could stand it no longer4 ,he changed his position a little1 cleared his throat1 and said3 ,i beg pardon1 sir1 but ,i see you have lost an arm4 ,the one-armed man picked up his sleeve with his right hand and peered anxiously into it4 ,bless my soul6 he exclaimed1 looking up with great surprise4 ,i do believe you're right4 ,see also ,wives4 ,,cyclones ,see ,windfalls4 ,,dachshunds ,a little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet4 ,the minister1 to make congenial conversation1 inquired3 ,have you a dog8 ,yes1 sir2 a dachshund1 responded the lad4 ,where is he8 questioned the dominic1 knowing the way to a boy's heart4 ,father sends him away for the winter4 ,he says it takes him so long to go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off4 ,,damages ,a ,chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a ,mrs4 ,delehanty1 accompanied by ,mr4 ,delehanty1 the day after ,mrs4 ,delehanty and a ,mrs4 ,cassidy had indulged in a little difference of opinion4 ,when he had listened to the recital of ,mrs4 ,delehanty's troubles1 the lawyer said3 ,you want to get damages1 ,i suppose8 ,damages6 ,damages6 came in shrill tones from ,mrs4 ,delehanty4 ,haven't ,i got damages enough already1 man8 ,what ,i'm after is satisfaction4 ,a ,chicago man who was a passenger on a train that met with an accident not far from that city tells of a curious incident that he witnessed in the car wherein he was sitting4 ,just ahead of him were a man and his wife4 ,suddenly the train was derailed1 and went bumping down a steep hill4 ,the man evinced signs of the greatest terror2 and when the car came to a stop he carefully examined himself to learn whether he had received any injury4 ,after ascertaining that he was unhurt1 he thought of his wife and damages4 ,are you hurt1 dear8 he asked4 ,no1 thank ,heaven6 was the grateful response4 ,look here1 then1 continued hubby1 ,i'll tell you what we'll do4 ,you let me black your eye1 and we'll soak the company good for damages6 ,it won't hurt you much4 ,i'll give you just one good punch4 --,howard ,morse4 ,up in ,minnesota ,mr4 ,olsen had a cow killed by a railroad train4 ,in due season the claim agent for the railroad called4 ,we understand1 of course1 that the deceased was a very docile and valuable animal1 said the claim agent in his most persuasive claim-agentlemanly manner and we sympathize with you and your family in your loss4 ,but1 ,mr4 ,olsen1 you must remember this3 ,your cow had no business being upon our tracks4 ,those tracks are our private property and when she invaded them1 she became a trespasser4 ,technically speaking1 you1 as her owner1 became a trespasser also4 ,but we have no desire to carry the issue into court and possibly give you trouble4 ,now then1 what would you regard as a fair settlement between you and the railroad company8 ,vail1 said ,mr4 ,olsen slowly1 ,ay bane poor ,swede farmer1 but ,ay shall give you two dollars4 ,,dancing ,he was a remarkably stout gentleman1 excessively fond of dancing1 so his friends asked him why he had stopped1 and was it final8 ,oh1 no1 ,i hope not1 sighed the old fellow4 ,i still love it1 and ,i've merely stopped until ,i can find a concave lady for a partner4 ,george ,bernard ,shaw was recently entertained at a house party4 ,while the other guests were dancing1 one of the onlookers called ,mr4 ,shaw's attention to the awkward dancing of a ,german professor4 ,really horrid dancing1 isn't it1 ,mr4 ,shaw8 ,g4,b4,s4 was not at a loss for the true ,shavian response4 ,oh that's not dancing he answered4 ,that's the ,new ,ethical ,movement6 ,on a journey through the ,south not long ago1 ,wu ,ting ,fang was impressed by the preponderance of negro labor in one of the cities he visited4 ,wherever the entertainment committee led him1 whether to factory1 store or suburban plantation1 all the hard work seemed to be borne by the black men4 ,minister ,wu made no comment at the time1 but in the evening when he was a spectator at a ball given in his honor1 after watching the waltzing and two-stepping for half an hour1 he remarked to his host3 ,why don't you make the negroes do that for you1 too8 ,if they had danced the tango and the trot ,in days of old1 there is no doubt we'd find ,the poet would have written--would he not8-- ,on with the dance1 let joy be unrefined6 --,j4,j4 ,o',connell4 ,,dead ,,beats ,see ,bills2 ,collecting of accounts4 ,,debts ,a train traveling through the ,west was held up by masked bandits4 ,two friends1 who were on their way to ,california1 were among the passengers4 ,here's where we lose all our money1 one said1 as a robber entered the car4 ,you don't think they'll take everything1 do you8 the other asked nervously4 ,certainly1 the first replied4 ,these fellows never miss anything4 ,that will be terrible1 the second friend said4 ,are you quite sure they won't leave us any money8 he persisted4 ,of course1 was the reply4 ,why do you ask8 ,the other was silent for a minute4 ,then1 taking a fifty-dollar note from his pocket1 he handed it to his friend4 ,what is this for8 the first asked1 taking the money4 ,that's the fifty dollars ,i owe you1 the other answered4 ,now we're square4--,w4 ,dayton ,wegefarth4 ,,willis--,he calls himself a dynamo4 ,,gillis--,no wonder2 everything he has on is charged4--,judge4 ,anticipated rents1 and bills unpaid1 ,force many a shining youth into the shade1 ,not to redeem his time1 but his estate1 ,and play the fool1 but at the cheaper rate4 --,cowper4 ,i hold every man a debtor to his profession4--,bacon4 ,,deer ,the deer's a mighty useful beast ,from ,petersburg to ,tennyson ,for while he lives he lopes around ,and when he's dead he's venison4 --,ellis ,parker ,butler4 ,,degrees ,a young theologian named ,fiddle ,refused to accept his degree2 ,for1 said he1 'tis enough to be ,fiddle1 ,without being ,fiddle ,d4,d4 ,,democracy ,why are you so vexed1 ,irma8 ,i am so exasperated6 ,i attended the meeting of the ,social ,equality ,league1 and my parlor-maid presided1 and she had the audacity to call me to order three times4--,m4 ,l4 ,hayward4 ,see also ,ancestry4 ,,democratic ,,party ,,hospital ,,physician--,which ward do you wish to be taken to8 ,a pay ward or a-- ,,maloney--,iny of thim1 ,doc1 thot's safely ,dimocratic4 ,,dentistry ,our young hopeful came running into the house4 ,his suit was dusty1 and there was a bump on his small brow4 ,but a gleam was in his eye1 and he held out a baby tooth4 ,how did you pull it8 demanded his mother4 ,oh1 he said bravely1 it was easy enough4 ,i just fell down1 and the whole world came up and pushed it out4 ,,dentists ,the dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own4 ,one day little ,flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed4 ,that night1 while she was saying her prayers1 her mother was surprised to hear her say3 ,and forgive us our debts as we forgive our dentists4--,everybody's4 ,one said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade1 because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living4--,haglitt4 ,,description ,a popular soprano is said to have a voice of fine timbre1 a willowy figure1 cherry lips1 chestnut hair1 and hazel eyes4 ,she must have been raised in the lumber regions4--,ella ,hutchison ,ellwanger4 ,,design1 ,,decorative ,harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted4 ,where did you get the pattern1 ,mamma8 he questioned4 ,out of my head1 she answered lightly4 ,does your head feel better now1 ,mamma8 he asked anxiously4--,c4 ,hilton ,turvey4 ,,destination ,a ,washington car conductor1 born in ,london and still a cockney1 has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's streets4 ,on a recent ,sunday morning he was calling the streets thus3 ,haitch6 ,high6 ,jay6 ,kay6 ,hell6 ,at this point three prim ladies picked up their prayer-books and left the car4--,lippincott's ,magazine4 ,andrew ,lang once invited a friend to dinner when he was staying in ,marlowe's road1 ,earl's ,court1 a street away at the end of that long ,cromwell road1 which seems to go on forever4 ,the guest was not very sure how to get there1 so ,lang explained3 ,walk right' along ,cromwell road1 he said1 till you drop dead and my house is just opposite6 ,,details ,charles ,frohman was talking to a ,philadelphia reporter about the importance of detail4 ,those who work for me1 he said1 follow my directions down to the very smallest item4 ,to go wrong in detail1 you know1 is often to go altogether wrong--like the dissipated husband4 ,a dissipated husband as he stood before his house in the small hours searching for his latchkey1 muttered to himself3 ',now which did my wife say--hic--have two whishkies an' get home by #ab1 or--hic--have twelve whishkies an' get home by #b8' ,,detectives ,when ,conan ,doyle arrived for the first time in ,boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged4 ,when the great literary man offered to pay his fare the cabman said quite respectfully3 ,if you please1 sir1 ,i should much prefer a ticket to your lecture4 ,if you should have none with you a visiting-card penciled by yourself would do4 ,conan ,doyle laughed4 ,tell me1 he said1 how did you know who ,i was1 and ,i will give you tickets for your whole family4 ,thank you sir1 was the reply4 ,why1 we all knew--that is1 all the members of the ,cabmen's ,literary ,guild knew--that you were coming by this train4 ,i happen to be the only member on duty at the station this morning4 ,if you will excuse personal remarks your coat lapels are badly twisted downward where they have been grasped by the pertinacious ,new ,york reporters4 ,your hair has the ,quakerish cut of a ,philadelphia barber1 and your hat1 battered at the brim in front1 shows where you have tightly grasped it in the struggle to stand your ground at a ,chicago literary luncheon4 ,your right overshoe has a large block of ,buffalo mud just under the instep1 the odor of a ,utica cigar hangs about your clothing1 and the overcoat itself shows the slovenly brushing of the porters of the through sleepers from ,albany1 and stenciled upon the very end of the ',wellington' in fairly plain lettering is your name1 ',conan ,doyle4' ,,determination ,after the death of ,andrew ,jackson the following conversation is said to have occurred between an ,anti-,jackson broker and a ,democratic merchant3 ,,merchant 7with a sigh7--,well1 the old ,general is dead4 ,,broker 7with a shrug7--,yes1 he's gone at last4 ,,merchant 7not appreciating the shrug7--,well1 sir1 he was a good man4 ,,broker 7with shrug more pronounced7--,i don't know about that4 ,,merchant 7energetically7--,he was a good man1 sir4 ,if any man has gone to heaven1 ,general ,jackson has gone to heaven4 ,,broker 7doggedly7--,i don't know about that4 ,,merchant--,well1 sir1 ,i tell you that if ,andrew ,jackson had made up his mind to go to heaven1 you may depend upon it he's there4 ,,diagnosis ,an epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of ,boston not long ago1 and was taken to a hospital4 ,upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written3 ,this is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit3 not appendicitis4 ,my appendix has already been removed twice4 ,,diet ,eat1 drink1 and be merry1 for to-morrow ye diet4--,william ,gilmore ,beymer4 ,there was a young lady named ,perkins1 ,who had a great fondness for gherkins2 ,she went to a tea ,and ate twenty-three1 ,which pickled her internal workin's4 ,mother1 asked the little one1 on the occasion of a number of guests being present at dinner1 will the dessert hurt me1 or is there enough to go round8 ,the doctor told him he needed carbohydrates1 proteids1 and above all1 something nitrogenous4 ,the doctor mentioned a long list of foods for him to eat4 ,he staggered out and wabbled into a ,penn avenue restaurant4 ,how about beefsteak8 he asked the waiter4 ,is that nitrogenous8 ,the waiter didn't know4 ,are fried potatoes rich in carbohydrates or not8 ,the waiter couldn't say4 ,well1 ,i'll fix it1 declared the poor man in despair4 ,bring me a large plate of hash4 ,a ,colonel1 who used to assert ,that naught his digestion could hurt1 ,was forced to admit ,that his weak point was hit ,when they gave him hot shot for dessert4 ,to abstain that we may enjoy is the epicurianism of reason4--,rousseau4 ,they are as sick that surfeit with too much1 as they that starve with nothing4--,shakespeare4 ,,dilemmas ,a story that has done service in political campaigns to illustrate supposed dilemmas of the opposition will likely be revived in every political heated term4 ,away back1 when herds of buffalo grazed along the foothills of the western mountains1 two hardy prospectors fell in with a bull bison that seemed to have been separated from his kind and run amuck4 ,one of the prospectors took to the branches of a tree and the other dived into a cave4 ,the buffalo bellowed at the entrance to the cavern and then turned toward the tree4 ,out came the man from the cave1 and the buffalo took after him again4 ,the man made another dive for the hole4 ,after this had been repeated several times1 the man in the tree called to his comrade1 who was trembling at the mouth of the cavern3 ,stay in the cave1 you idiot6 ,you don't know nothing about this hole1 bawled the other4 ,there's a bear in it6 ,,dining ,a twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon4--,john ,e4 ,rosser4 ,that was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand1 turn over1 and do such queer stunts4 ,i am not surprised2 he never did have good table manners4 ,chakey1 ,chakey1 called the big sister as she stood in the doorway and looked down the street toward the group of small boys3 ,chakey1 come in alreaty and eat youseself4 ,maw she's on the table and ,paw he's half et4 ,there was a young lady of ,cork1 ,whose ,pa made a fortune in pork2 ,he bought for his daughter ,a tutor who taught her ,to balance green peas on her fork4 ,an anecdote about ,dr4 ,randall ,davidson1 bishop of ,winchester1 is that after an ecclesiastical function1 as the clergy were trooping in to luncheon1 an unctuous archdeacon observed3 ,this is the time to put a bridle on our appetites6 ,yes1 replied the bishop1 this is the time to put a bit in our mouths6--,christian ,life4 ,there was a young lady named ,maud1 ,a very deceptive young fraud2 ,she never was able ,to eat at the table1 ,but out in the pantry--,o ,lord6 ,father's trip abroad did him so much good1 said the self-made man's daughter4 ,he looks better1 feels better1 and as for appetite--honestly1 it would just do your heart good to hear him eat6 ,whistler1 the artist1 was one day invited to dinner at a friend's house and arrived at his destination two hours late4 ,how extraordinary6 he exclaimed1 as he walked into the dining-room where the company was seated at the table2 really1 ,i should think you might have waited a bit--why1 you're just like a lot of pigs with your eating6 ,a macaroon1 ,a cup of tea1 ,an afternoon1 ,is all that she ,will eat2 ,she's in society4 ,but let me take ,this maiden fair ,to some caf1 ,and1 then and there1 ,she'll eat the whole ,blame bill of fare4 --,the ,mystic ,times4 ,the small daughter of the house was busily setting the tables for expected company when her mother called to her3 ,put down three forks at each place1 dear4 ,having made some observations on her own account when the expected guests had dined with her mother before1 she inquired thoughtfully3 ,shall ,i give ,uncle ,john three knives8 ,for a man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does of his dinner--,samuel ,johnson4 ,,diplomacy ,,wife--,please match this piece of silk for me before you come home4 ,,husband--,at the counter where the sweet little blond works8 ,the one with the soulful eyes and-- ,,wife--,no4 ,you're too tired to shop for me when your day's work is done1 dear4 ,on second thought1 ,i won't bother you4 ,scripture tells us that a soft answer turneth away wrath4 ,a witty repartee sometimes helps one immensely also4 ,when ,richard ,olney was secretary of state he frequently gave expression to the opinion that appointees to the consular service should speak the language of the countries to which they were respectively accredited4 ,it is said that when a certain breezy and enterprising western politician who was desirous of serving the ,cleveland administration in the capacity of consul of the ,chinese ports presented his papers to ,mr4 ,olney1 the secretary remarked3 ,are you aware1 ,mr4 ,blank1 that ,i never recommend to the ,president the appointment of a consul unless he speaks the language of the country to which he desires to go8 ,now1 ,i suppose you do not speak ,chinese8 ,whereupon the westerner grinned broadly4 ,if1 ,mr4 ,secretary1 said he1 you will ask me a question in ,chinese1 ,i shall be happy to answer it4 ,he got the appointment4 ,miss de ,simpson1 said the young secretary of legation1 ,i have opened negotiations with your father upon the subject of--er--coming to see you oftener1 with a view ultimately to forming an alliance1 and he has responded favorably4 ,may ,i ask if you will ratify the arrangement1 as a modus vivendi8 ,mr4 von ,harris1 answered the daughter of the eminent diplomat1 don't you think it would have been a more graceful recognition of my administrative entity if you had asked me first8 ,i call'd the devil and he came1 ,and with wonder his form did ,i closely scan2 ,he is not ugly1 and is not lame1 ,but really a handsome and charming man4 ,a man in the prime of life is the devil1 ,obliging1 a man of the world1 and civil2 ,a diplomatist too1 well skill'd in debate1 ,he talks quite glibly of church and state4 --,heine4 ,,discipline ,see ,military discipline2 ,parents4 ,,discounts ,a train in ,arizona was boarded by robbers1 who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers4 ,one of them happened to be a traveling salesman from ,new ,york1 who1 when his turn came1 fished out #bjj1 but rapidly took #d from the pile and placed it in his vest pocket4 ,what do you mean by that8 asked the robber1 as he toyed with his revolver4 ,hurriedly came the answer3 ,mine frent1 you surely vould not refuse me two per zent discount on a strictly cash transaction like dis8 ,,discretion ,when you can1 use discretion2 when you can't1 use a club4 ,,disposition ,one eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way4 ,recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report4 ,in answer to the question1 ,disposition of carcass8 he wrote3 ,kind and gentle4 ,there was one man who had a reputation for being even tempered4 ,he was always cross4 ,,distances ,a regiment of regulars was making a long1 dusty march across the rolling prairie land of ,montana last summer4 ,it was a hot1 blistering day and the men1 longing for water and rest1 were impatient to reach the next town4 ,a rancher rode past4 ,say1 friend1 called out one of the men1 how far is it to the next town8 ,oh1 a matter of two miles or so1 ,i reckon1 called back the rancher4 ,another long hour dragged by1 and another rancher was encountered4 ,how far to the next town8 the men asked him eagerly4 ,oh1 a good two miles4 ,a weary half-hour longer of marching1 and then a third rancher4 ,hey1 how far's the next town8 ,not far1 was the encouraging answer4 ,only about two miles4 ,well1 sighed an optimistic sergeant1 thank ,god1 we're holdin' our own1 anyhow6 ,,divorce ,when a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it8 ,taking his name in vain4--,princeton ,tiger4 ,,dogs ,,lady 7to tramp who had been commissioned to find her lost poodle7--,the poor little darling1 where did you find him8 ,,tramp--,oh1 a man 'ad 'im1 miss1 tied to a pole1 and was cleaning the windows wiv 'im6 ,a family moved from the city to a suburban locality and were told that they should get a watchdog to guard the premises at night4 ,so they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a neighboring dog fancier1 who was a ,german4 ,shortly afterward the house was entered by burglars who made a good haul1 while the big dog slept4 ,the man went to the dog fancier and told him about it4 ,veil1 vat you need now1 said the dog merchant1 is a leedle dog to vake up the big dog4 ,dogs is mighty useful beasts ,they might seem bad at first ,they might seem worser right along ,but when they're dead ,they're wurst4 --,ellis ,parker ,butler4 ,my dog took first prize at the cat show4 ,how was that8 ,he took the cat4--,judge4 ,,fair ,,visitor--,why are you giving ,fido's teeth such a thorough brushing8 ,,fond ,,mistress--,oh6 ,the poor darling's just bitten some horrid person1 and1 really1 you know1 one can't be too careful4--,life4 ,do you know that that bulldog of yours killed my wife's little harmless1 affectionate poodle8 ,well1 what are you going to do about it8 ,would you be offended if ,i was to present him with a nice brass collar8 ,fleshy ,miss ,muffet ,sat down on ,tuffet1 ,a very good dog in his way2 ,when she saw what she'd done1 ,she started to run-- ,and ,tuffet was buried next day4 --,l4,t4,h4 ,william ,j4 ,stevens1 for several years local station agent at ,swansea1 ,r4 ,i41 was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of ,william's plump legs4 ,stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the tracks1 and was immediately confronted by the owner1 who demanded an explanation in language more forcible than courteous4 ,why1 said ,stevens when the other paused for breath1 your dog's mad4 ,mad6 ,mad6 ,you double-dyed blankety-blank fool1 he ain't mad6 ,oh1 ain't he8 cut in ,stevens4 ,gosh6 ,i should be if any one kicked me like that6 ,one would have it that a collie is the most sagacious of dogs1 while the other stood up for the setter4 ,i once owned a setter1 declared the latter1 which was very intelligent4 ,i had him on the street one day1 and he acted so queerly about a certain man we met that ,i asked the man his name1 and-- ,oh1 that's an old story6 the collie's advocate broke in sneeringly4 ,the man's name was ,partridge1 of course1 and because of that the dog came to a set4 ,ho1 ho6 ,come again6 ,you're mistaken1 rejoined the other suavely4 ,the dog didn't come quite to a set1 though almost4 ,as a matter of fact1 the man's name was ,quayle1 and the dog hesitated on account of the spelling6--,p4 ,r4 ,benson4 ,the more one sees of men the more one likes dogs4 ,see also ,dachshunds4 ,,domestic ,,finance ,talk about ,napoleon6 ,that fellow ,wombat is something of a strategist himself4 ,as to how8 ,got his salary raised six months ago1 and his wife hasn't found it out yet4--,washington ,herald4 ,a ,lakewood woman was recently reading to her little boy the story of a young lad whose father was taken ill and died1 after which he set himself diligently to work to support himself and his mother4 ,when she had finished her story she said3 ,dear ,billy1 if your papa were to die1 would you work to support your dear mamma8 ,naw6 said ,billy unexpectedly4 ,but why not8 ,ain't we got a good house to live in8 ,yes1 dearie1 but we can't eat the house1 you know4 ,ain't there a lot o' stuff in the pantry8 ,yes1 but that won't last forever4 ,it'll last till you git another husband1 won't it8 ,you're a pretty good looker1 ma6 ,mamma gave up right there4 ,i am sending you a thousand kisses1 he wrote to his fair young wife who was spending her first month away from him4 ,two days later he received the following telegram3 ,kisses received4 ,landlord refuses to accept any of them on account4 ,then he woke up and forwarded a check4 ,see also ,trouble4 ,,domestic ,,relations ,there was a young man of ,dunbar1 ,who playfully poisoned his ,ma2 ,when he'd finished his work1 ,he remarked with a smirk1 ,this will cause quite a family jar4 ,see also ,families2 ,marriage4 ,,drama ,the average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith1 in the second for all our hope1 and in the last for all our charity4--,eugene ,walter4 ,the young man in the third row of seats looked bored4 ,he wasn't having a good time4 ,he cared nothing for the ,shakespearean drama4 ,what's the greatest play you ever saw8 the young woman asked1 observing his abstraction4 ,instantly he brightened4 ,tinker touching a man out between second and third and getting the ball over to ,chance in time to nab the runner to first6 he said4 ,,larry--,i like ,professor ,whatishisname in ,shakespeare4 ,he brings things home to you that you never saw before4 ,,harry--,huh6 ,i've got a laundryman as good as that4 ,i think ,i love and reverence all arts equally1 only putting my own just above the others4444 ,to me it seems as if when ,god conceived the world1 that was ,poetry2 ,he formed it1 and that was ,sculpture2 ,he colored it1 and that was ,painting2 ,he peopled it with living beings1 and that was the grand1 divine1 eternal ,drama4--,charlotte ,cushman4 ,two women were leaving the theater after a performance of ,the ,doll's ,house4 ,oh1 don't you love ,ibsen8 asked one1 ecstatically4 ,doesn't he just take all the hope out of life8 ,,dramatic ,,criticism ,theodore ,dreiser1 the novelist1 was talking about criticism4 ,i like pointed criticism1 he said1 criticism such as ,i heard in the lobby of a theater the other night at the end of the play4 ,the critic was an old gentleman4 ,his criticism1 which was for his wife's ears alone1 consisted of these words3 ',well1 you would come6' ,nat ,goodwin1 the ,american comedian1 when at the ,shaftesbury ,theatre1 ,london1 told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a town in ,america4 ,standing outside the theater a little time before the performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious1 forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms4 ,goodwin inquired what was the matter1 and was told that the boy wished to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery4 ,the actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pass on the sympathy racket1 but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pass4 ,the dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch ,goodwin as the ,gilded ,fool from a good seat in the gallery4 ,next day ,goodwin saw the boy again near the theater1 so he asked3 ,well1 sonny1 how did you like the show8 ,i'm glad ,i didn't sell my dog1 was the reply4 ,,dramatists ,i hear ,scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards4 ,yes1 the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene4 ,so you think the author of this play will live1 do you8 remarked the tourist4 ,yes1 replied the manager of the ,frozen ,dog ,opera ,house4 ,he's got a five-mile start and ,i don't think the boys kin ketch him4--,life4 ,we all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied4 ,here's an advertisement taken from a morning paper that shows to what a pass a genius may come in a great city3 ,wanted--,a collaborator1 by a young playwright4 ,the play is already written2 collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced4 ,,dressmakers ,,wife--,wretch6 ,show me that letter4 ,,husband--,what letter8 ,,wife--,that one in your hand4 ,it's from a woman1 ,i can see by the writing1 and you turned pale when you saw it4 ,,husband--,yes4 ,here it is4 ,it's your dressmaker's bill4 ,,drinking ,he who goes to bed1 and goes to bed sober1 ,falls as the leaves do1 and dies in ,october2 ,but he who goes to bed1 and does so mellow1 ,lives as he ought to1 and dies a good fellow4 --,parody on ,fletcher4 ,i drink when ,i have occasion1 and sometimes when ,i have no occasion4--,cervantes4 ,i have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking4 ,i could wish courtesy would invent some other custom of entertainment4--,shakespeare4 ,the ,frenchman loves his native wine2 ,the ,german loves his beer2 ,the ,englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf1 ,because it brings good cheer2 ,the ,irishman loves his whiskey straight1 ,because it gives him dizziness2 ,the ,american has no choice at all1 ,so he drinks the whole blamed business4 ,a young ,englishman came to ,washington and devoted his days and nights to an earnest endeavor to drink all the ,scotch whiskey there was4 ,he couldn't do it1 and presently went to a doctor1 complaining of a disordered stomach4 ,quit drinking6 ordered the doctor4 ,but1 my dear sir1 ,i cawn't4 ,i get so thirsty4 ,well1 said the doctor1 whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead of taking a drink4 ,the ,englishman paid his fee and left4 ,he met a friend to whom he told his experience4 ,bally rot6 he protested4 ,fawncy eating forty apples a day6 ,if you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is wholesome1 you may say you wish you could1 but so little makes you both drunk and sick2 that you should only be bad company by doing so4--,lord ,chesterfield4 ,there is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip4--,judge4 ,one swallow doesn't make a summer1 but it breaks a ,new ,year's resolution4--,life4 ,,doctor 7feeling ,sandy's pulse in bed7--,what do you drink4 ,,sandy 7with brightening face7--,oh1 ,i'm nae particular1 doctor6 ,anything you've got with ye4 ,here's to the girls of the ,american shore1 ,i love but one1 ,i love no more1 ,since she's not here to drink her part1 ,i'll drink her share with all my heart4 ,a well-known ,scottish architect was traveling in ,palestine recently1 when news reached him of an addition to his family circle4 ,the happy father immediately provided himself with some water from the ,jordan to carry home for the christening of the infant1 and returned to ,scotland4 ,on the ,sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly presented himself at the church1 and sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious water to his care4 ,he pulled the flask from his pocket1 but the beadle held up a warning hand1 and came nearer to whisper3 ,no the noo1 sir2 no the noo6 ,maybe after the kirk's oot6 ,when ,president ,eliot of ,harvard was in active service as head of the university1 reports came to him that one of his young charges was in the habit of absorbing more liquor than was good for him1 and ,president ,eliot determined to do his duty and look into the matter4 ,meeting the young man under suspicion in the yard shortly after breakfast one day the president marched up to him and demanded1 ,young man1 do you drink8 ,why1 why1 why1 stammered the young man1 why1 ,president ,eliot1 not so early in the morning1 thank you4 ,,wife 7on auto tour7--,that fellow back there said there is a road-house a few miles down the road4 ,shall we stop there8 ,,husband--,did he whisper it or say it out loud8 ,a priest went to a barber shop conducted by one of his ,irish parishioners to get a shave4 ,he observed the barber was suffering from a recent celebration1 but decided to take a chance4 ,in a few moments the barber's razor had nicked the father's cheek4 ,there1 ,pat1 you have cut me1 said the priest as he raised his hand and caressed the wound4 ,yis1 y'r riv'rance1 answered the barber4 ,that shows you1 continued the priest1 in a tone of censure1 what the use of liquor will do4 ,yis1 y'r riv'rance1 replied the barber1 humbly1 it makes the skin tender4 ,ex-congressman ,asher ,g4 ,caruth1 of ,kentucky1 tells this story of an experience he once had on a visit to a little ,ohio town4 ,i went up there on legal business1 he says1 and1 knowing that ,i should have to stay all night1 ,i proceeded directly to the only hotel4 ,the landlord stood behind the desk and regarded me with a kindly air as ,i registered4 ,it seems that he was a little hard of hearing1 a fact of which ,i was not aware4 ,as ,i jabbed the pen back into the dish of bird shot1 ,i said3 ',can you direct me to the bank8' ,he looked at me blankly for a second1 then swinging the register around1 he glanced down swiftly1 caught the ',louisville' after my name1 and an expression of complete understanding lighting up his countenance1 he said3 ',certainly1 sir4 ,you will find the bar right through that door at the left4' ,see also ,drunkards2 ,good fellowship2 ,temperance2 ,wine4 ,,droughts ,governor ,glasscock of ,west ,virginia1 while traveling through ,arizona1 noticed the dry1 dusty appearance of the country4 ,doesn't it ever rain around here8 he asked one of the natives4 ,rain8 ,the native spat4 ,rain8 ,why say pardner1 there's bullfrogs in this yere town over five years old that hain't learned to swim yet6 ,,drunkards ,sing a song of sick gents1 ,pockets full of rye1 ,four and twenty highballs1 ,we wish that we might die4 ,two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour1 after being out nearly all night4 ,don't your wife miss you on these occasions8 asked one4 ,not often1 replied the other2 she throws pretty straight4 ,where's old ,four-,fingered ,pete8 asked ,alkali ,ike4 ,i ain't seen him around here since ,i got back4 ,pete8 said the bartender4 ,oh1 he went up to ,hyena ,tongue and got jagged4 ,went up to a hotel winder1 stuck his head in and hollered ',fire6' and everybody did4 ,the ,irish talent for repartee has an amusing illustration in ,lord ,rossmore's recent book ,things ,i ,can ,tell4 ,while acting as magistrate at an ,irish village1 ,lord ,rossmore said to an old offender brought before him3 ,you here again8 ,yes1 your honor4 ,what's brought you here8 ,two policemen1 your honor4 ,come1 come1 ,i know that--drunk again1 ,i suppose8 ,yes1 your honor1 both of them4 ,the colonel came down to breakfast ,new ,year's morning with a bandaged hand4 ,why1 colonel1 what's the matter8 they asked4 ,confound it all6 the colonel answered1 we had a little party last night1 and one of the younger men got intoxicated and stepped on my hand4 ,,magistrate--,and what was the prisoner doing8 ,,constable--,e were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cab driver1 yer worship4 ,,magistrate--,but that doesn't prove he was drunk4 ,,constable--,ah1 but there worn't no cab driver there1 yer worship4 ,a ,scotch minister and his servant1 who were coming home from a wedding1 began to consider the state into which their potations at the wedding feast had left them4 ,sandy1 said the minister1 just stop a minute here till ,i go ahead4 ,maybe ,i don't walk very steady and the good wife might remark something not just right4 ,he walked ahead of the servant for a short distance and then asked3 ,how is it8 ,am ,i walking straight8 ,oh1 ay1 answered ,sandy thickly1 ye're a' recht--but who's that who's with ye4 ,a man in a very deep state of intoxication was shouting and kicking most vigorously at a lamp post1 when the noise attracted a near-by policeman4 ,what's the matter8 he asked the energetic one4 ,oh1 never mind1 mishter4 ,thash all right1 was the reply2 ,i know she'sh home all right--,i shee a light upshtairs4 ,a pompous little man with gold-rimmed spectacles and a thoughtful brow boarded a ,new ,york elevated train and took the only unoccupied seat4 ,the man next him had evidently been drinking4 ,for a while the little man contented himself with merely sniffing contemptuously at his neighbor1 but finally he summoned the guard4 ,conductor1 he demanded indignantly1 do you permit drunken people to ride upon this train8 ,no1 sir1 replied the guard in a confidential whisper4 ,but don't say a word and stay where you are1 sir4 ,if ye hadn't told me ,i'd never have noticed ye4 ,a noisy bunch tacked out of their club late one night1 and up the street4 ,they stopped in front of an imposing residence4 ,after considerable discussion one of them advanced and pounded on the door4 ,a woman stuck her head out of a second-story window and demanded1 none too sweetly3 ,what do you want8 ,ish thish the residence of ,mr4 ,smith8 inquired the man on the steps1 with an elaborate bow4 ,it is4 ,what do you want8 ,ish it possible ,i have the honor of speakin' to ,misshus ,smith8 ,yes4 ,what do you want8 ,dear ,misshus ,smith6 ,good ,misshus ,smith6 ,will you--hic--come down an' pick out ,mr4 ,smith8 ,the resh of us want to go home4 ,that clever and brilliant genius1 ,mc,dougall1 who represented ,california in the ,united ,states ,senate1 was like many others of his class somewhat addicted to fiery stimulants1 and unable to battle long with them without showing the effect of the struggle4 ,even in his most exhausted condition he was1 however1 brilliant at repartee2 but one night1 at a supper of journalists given to the late ,george ,d4 ,prentice1 a genius of the same mold and the same unfortunate habit1 he found a foeman worthy of his steel in ,general ,john ,cochrane4 ,mc,dougall had taken offense at some anti-slavery sentiments which had been uttered--it was in war times--and late in the evening got on his legs for the tenth time to make a reply4 ,the spirit did not move him to utterance1 however2 on the contrary1 it quite deprived him of the power of speech2 and after an ineffectual attempt at speech he suddenly concluded3 ,those are my sentiments1 sir1 and my name's ,mc,dougall4 ,i beg the gentleman's pardon1 said ,general ,cochrane1 springing to his feet2 but what was that last remark8 ,mc,dougall pronounced it again2 my name's ,mc,dougall4 ,there must be some error1 said ,cochrane1 gravely4 ,i have known ,mr4 ,mc,dougall many years1 and there never was a time when as late as twelve o'clock at night he knew what his name was4 ,on a pleasant ,sunday afternoon an old ,german and his youngest son were seated in the village inn4 ,the father had partaken liberally of the home-brewed beer1 and was warning his son against the evils of intemperance4 ,never drink too much1 my son4 ,a gentleman stops when he has enough4 ,to be drunk is a disgrace4 ,yes1 ,father1 but how can ,i tell when ,i have enough or am drunk8 ,the old man pointed with his finger4 ,do you see those two men sitting in the corner8 ,if you see four men there1 you would be drunk4 ,the boy looked long and earnestly4 ,yes1 ,father1 but--but--there is only one man in that corner4--,w4 ,karl ,hilbrich4 ,william ,r4 ,hearst1 who never touches liquor1 had several men in important positions on his newspapers who were not strangers to intoxicants4 ,mr4 ,hearst has a habit of appearing at his office at unexpected times and summoning his chiefs of departments for instructions4 ,one afternoon he sent for ,mr4 ,blank4 ,he hasn't come down yet1 sir1 reported the office boy4 ,please tell ,mr4 ,dash ,i want to see him4 ,he hasn't come down yet either4 ,well1 find ,mr4 ,star or ,mr4 ,sun or ,mr4 ,moon--anybody2 ,i want to see one of them at once4 ,ain't none of 'em here yet1 sir4 ,you see there was a celebration last night and-- ,mr4 ,hearst sank back in his chair and remarked in his quiet way3 ,for a man who don't drink ,i think ,i suffer more from the effects of it than anybody in the world4 ,what is a drunken man like1 ,fool8 ,like a drowned man1 a fool and a madman3 one draught above heat makes him a fool2 the second mads him2 and a third drowns him4--,shakespeare4 ,,dyspepsia ,ah1 she sighed for many years ,i've suffered from dyspepsia4 ,and don't you take anything for it8 her friend asked4 ,you look healthy enough4 ,oh1 she replied1 ,i haven't indigestion3 my husband has4 ,,echoes ,an ,american and a ,scotsman were walking one day near the foot of one of the ,scotch mountains4 ,the ,scotsman1 wishing to impress the visitor1 produced a famous echo to be heard in that place4 ,when the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes1 the proud ,scotsman1 turning to the ,yankee exclaimed3 ,there1 mon1 ye canna show anything like that in your country4 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 said the ,american1 ,i guess we can better that4 ,why in my camp in the ,rockies1 when ,i go to bed ,i just lean out of my window and call out1 ',time to get up3 wake up6' and eight hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me4 ,,economy ,an economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses4 ,economy is going without something you do want in case you should1 some day1 want something which you probably won't want4--,anthony ,hope4 ,economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it4 ,ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last year's straw hat4--,abe ,martin4 ,economy is a great revenue4--,cicero4 ,see also ,domestic finance2 ,saving2 ,thrift4 ,,editors ,recipe for an editor3 ,take a personal hatred of authors1 ,mix this with a fiendish delight ,in refusing all efforts of genius ,and maiming all poets on sight4 --,life4 ,the city editor of a great ,new ,york daily was known in the newspaper world as a martinet and severe disciplinarian4 ,some of his caustic and biting criticisms are classics4 ,once1 however1 the tables were turned upon him in a way that left him speechless for days4 ,a reporter on the paper wrote an article that the city editor did not approve of4 ,the morning of publication this reporter drifted into the office and encountered his chief1 who was in a white heat of anger4 ,carefully suppressing the explosion1 however1 the boss started in with ominous and icy words3 ,mr4 ,blank1 ,i am not going to criticize you for what you have written4 ,on the other hand1 ,i am profoundly sorry for you4 ,i have watched your work recently1 and it is my opinion1 reached after calm and dispassionate observation1 that you are mentally unbalanced4 ,you are insane4 ,your mind is a wreck4 ,your friends should take you in hand4 ,the very kindest suggestion ,i can make is that you visit an alienist and place yourself under treatment4 ,so far you have shown no sign of violence1 but what the future holds for you no one can tell4 ,i say this in all kindness and frankness4 ,you are discharged4 ,the reporter walked out of the office and wandered up to ,bellevue ,hospital4 ,he visited the insane pavilion1 and told the resident surgeon that there was a suspicion that he was not all right mentally and asked to be examined4 ,the doctor put him through the regular routine and then said1 ,right as a top4 ,sure8 asked the reporter4 ,will you give me a certificate to that effect8 ,the doctor said he would and did4 ,clutching the certificate tightly in his hand the reporter entered the office an hour later1 walked up to the city editor1 handed it to him silently1 and then blurted out1 ,now you go get one4 ,,education ,along in the sixties ,pat ,casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from ,st4 ,joseph1 ,mo41 to ,georgetown1 ,colo41 and shortly after that he struck it rich2 in fact1 he was credited with having more wealth than any one else in ,colorado4 ,a man of great shrewdness and ability1 he was exceedingly sensitive over his inability to read or write4 ,one day an old-timer met him with3 ,how are you getting along1 ,pat8 ,go 'way from me now1 said ,pat genially1 me head's bustin' wid business4 ,it takes two lid-pincils a day to do me wurruk4 ,a catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently welcomed with interest4 ,the firm received a carefully written1 if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern cracker asking further particulars about one of the listed articles4 ,to this1 in the usual course of business1 was sent a type-written answer4 ,almost by return mail came a reply3 ,you fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart1 and you need not print your letters to me4 ,i can read writing4 ,,efficiency ,an ,american motorist went to ,germany in his car to the army maneuvers4 ,he was especially impressed with the ,german motor ambulances4 ,as the tourist watched the maneuvers from a seat under a tree1 the axle of one of the motor ambulances broke4 ,instantly the man leaped out1 ran into the village1 returned in a jiffy with a new axle1 fixed it in place with wonderful skill1 and teuffed-teuffed off again almost as good as new4 ,there's efficiency for you1 said the ,american admirably4 ,there's ,german efficiency for you4 ,no matter what breaks1 there's always a stock at hand from which to supply the needed part4 ,and praising the remarkable instance of ,german efficiency he had just witnessed1 the tourist returned to the village and ordered up his car4 ,but he couldn't use it4 ,the axle was missing4 ,a curious little man sat next an elderly1 prosperous looking man in a smoking car4 ,how many people work in your office8 he asked4 ,oh1 responded the elderly man1 getting up and throwing away his cigar1 ,i should say1 at a rough guess1 about two-thirds of them4 ,,egotism ,in the ,chicago schools a boy refused to sew1 thinking it below the dignity of a man of ten years4 ,why1 said the teacher1 ,george ,washington did his own sewing in the wars1 and do you think you are better than ,george ,washington8 ,i don't know1 replied the boy seriously4 ,only time can tell that4 ,john ,d4 ,rockefeller tells this story on himself3 ,golfing one bright winter day ,i had for caddie a boy who didn't know me4 ,an unfortunate stroke landed me in clump of high grass4 ',my1 my1' ,i said1 'what am ,i to do now8' ',see that there tree8' said the boy1 pointing to a tall tree a mile away4 ',well1 drive straight for that4' ,i lofted vigorously1 and1 fortunately1 my ball soared up into the air2 it landed1 and it rolled right on to the putting green4 ',how's that1 my boy8' ,i cried4 ,the caddie stared at me with envious eyes4 ',gee1 boss1' he said1 'if ,i had your strength and you had my brains what a pair we'd make6' ,the late ,marshall ,field had a very small office-boy who came to the great merchant one day with a request for an increase in wages4 ,huh6 said ,mr4 ,field1 looking at him as if through a magnifying-glass4 ,want a raise1 do you8 ,how much are you getting8 ,three dollars a week1 chirped the little chap4 ,three dollars a week6 exclaimed his employer4 ,why1 when ,i was your age ,i only got two dollars4 ,oh1 well1 that's different1 piped the youngster4 ,i guess you weren't worth any more4 ,here's to the man who is wisest and best1 ,here's to the man who with judgment is blest4 ,here's to the man who's as smart as can be-- ,i mean the man who agrees with me4 ,,elections ,in ,st4 ,louis there is one ward that is full of breweries and ,germans4 ,in a recent election a local option question was up4 ,after the election some ,germans were counting the votes4 ,one ,german was calling off and another taking down the option votes4 ,the first ,german1 running rapidly through the ballots1 said3 ,vet1 vet1 vet1 vet1444 ,suddenly he stopped4 ,mein ,gott6 he cried3 ,dry6 ,then he went on--,vet1 vet1 vet1 vet1444 ,presently he stopped again and mopped his brow4 ,himmel6 he said4 ,der son of a gun repeated6 ,,willis--,what's the election today for8 ,anybody happen to know8 ,,gillis--,it is to determine whether we shall have a convention to nominate delegates who will be voted on as to whether they will attend a caucus which will decide whether we shall have a primary to determine whether the people want to vote on this same question again next year4--,puck4 ,one year1 when the youngsters of a certain ,illinois village met for the purpose of electing a captain of their baseball team for the coming season1 it appeared that there were an excessive number of candidates for the post1 with more than the usual wrangling4 ,youngster after youngster presented his qualifications for the post2 and the matter was still undecided when the son of the owner of the ball-field stood up4 ,he was a small1 snub-nosed lad1 with a plentiful supply of freckles1 but he glanced about him with a dignified air of controlling the situation4 ,i'm going to be captain this year1 he announced convincingly1 or else ,father's old bull is going to be turned into the field4 ,he was elected unanimously4--,fenimore ,martin4 ,i consider biennial elections as a security that the sober second thought of the people shall be law4--,fisher ,ames4 ,,electricity ,in school a boy was asked this question in physics3 ,what is the difference between lightning and electricity8 ,and he answered3 ,well1 you don't have to pay for lightning4 ,,embarrassing ,,situations ,a young gentleman was spending the week-end at little ,willie's cottage at ,atlantic ,city1 and on ,sunday evening after dinner1 there being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza1 the young gentleman took ,willie on his lap4 ,then1 during a pause in the conversation1 little ,willie looked up at the young gentleman and piped3 ,am ,i as heavy as sister ,mabel8 ,the late ,charles ,coghlan was a man of great wit and resource4 ,when he was living in ,london1 his wife started for an out-of-town visit4 ,for some reason she found it necessary to return home1 and on her way thither she saw her husband step out of a cab and hand a lady from it4 ,mrs4 ,coghlan confronted the pair4 ,the actor was equal to the situation4 ,my dear1 he said to his wife1 allow me to present ,miss ,blank4 ,mrs4 ,coghlan1 ,miss ,blank4 ,the two bowed coldly while ,coghlan quickly added3 ,i know you ladies have ever so many things you want to say to each other1 so ,i will ask to be excused4 ,he lifted his hat1 stepped into the cab1 and was whirled away4 ,the evening callers were chatting gaily with the ,kinterbys when a patter of little feet was heard from the head of the stairs4 ,mrs4 ,kinterby raised her hand1 warning the others to silence4 ,hush6 she said1 softly4 ,the children are going to deliver their 'good-night' message4 ,it always gives me a feeling of reverence to hear them--they are so much nearer the ,creator than we are1 and they speak the love that is in their little hearts never so fully as when the dark has come4 ,listen6 ,there was a moment of tense silence4 ,then--,mama1 came the message in a shrill whisper1 ,willy found a bedbug6 ,i was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning1 said a husband to another4 ,how was that8 ,why1 ,i came home late1 and my wife heard me and said1 ',john1 what time is it8' and ,i said1 ',only twelve1 my dear1' and just then that cuckoo clock of ours sang out three times4 ,what did you do8 ,why1 ,i just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more4 ,your husband will be all right now1 said an ,english doctor to a woman whose husband was dangerously ill4 ,what do you mean8 demanded the wife4 ,you told me 'e couldn't live a fortnight4 ,well1 ,i'm going to cure him1 after all1 said the doctor4 ,surely you are glad8 ,the woman wrinkled her brows4 ,puts me in a bit of an 'ole1 she said4 ,i've bin an' sold all 'is clothes to pay for 'is funeral4 ,,employers ,,and ,,employees ,you want more money8 ,why1 my boy1 ,i worked three years for #aa a month right in this establishment1 and now ,i'm owner of it4 ,well1 you see what happened to your boss4 ,no man who treats his help that way can hang on to his business4 ,,earnest ,,young ,,man--,have you any advice to a struggling young employee8 ,,frank ,,old ,,gentleman--,yes4 ,don't work4 ,,earnest ,,young ,,man--,don't work8 ,,frank ,,old ,,gentleman--,no4 ,become an employer4 ,general ,benjamin ,f4 ,butler built a house in ,washington on the same plans as his home in ,lowell1 ,mass41 and his studies were furnished in exactly the same way4 ,he and his secretary1 ,m4 ,w4 ,clancy1 afterward ,city ,clerk of ,washington for many years1 were constantly traveling between the two places4 ,one day a senator called upon ,general ,butler in ,lowell and the next day in ,washington to find him and his secretary engaged upon the same work that had occupied them in ,massachusetts4 ,heavens1 ,clancy1 don't you ever stop8 ,no1 interposed ,general ,butler1 ',satan finds some michief still ,for idle hands to do4' ,clancy arose and bowed1 saying3 ,general1 ,i never was sure until now what my employer was4 ,i had heard the rumor1 but ,i always discredited it4 ,w4,j4 7,fingy7 ,conners1 the ,new ,york politician1 who is not precisely a ,chesterfield1 secured his first great freight-handling contract when he was a roustabout on the ,buffalo docks4 ,when the job was about to begin he called a thousand burly dock-wallopers to order1 as narrated by one of his business friends3 ,now1 roared ,conners1 yez are to worruk for me1 and ,i want ivery man here to understand what's what4 ,i kin lick anny man in the gang4 ,nine hundred and ninety-nine swallowed the insult1 but one huge1 double-fisted warrior moved uneasily and stepping from the line he said ,you can't lick me1 ,jim ,conners4 ,i can't1 can't ,i8 bellowed ,fingy4 ,no1 you can't was the determined response4 ,oh1 well1 thin1 go to the office and git your money1 said ,fingy4 ,i'll have no man in me gang that ,i can't lick4 ,outside his own cleverness there is nothing that so delights ,mr4 ,wiggins as a game of baseball1 and when he gets a chance to exploit the two1 both at the same time1 he may be said to be the happiest man in the world4 ,hence it was that the other day1 when little red headed ,willie ,mulligan1 his office boy1 came sniffing into his presence to ask for the afternoon off that he might attend his grandfather's funeral1 ,wiggins deemed it a masterly stroke to answer3 ,why1 certainly1 ,willie4 ,what's more1 my boy1 if you'll wait for me ,i'll go with you4 ,all right1 sir1 sniffed ,willie as he returned to his desk and waited patiently4 ,and1 lo and behold1 poor little ,willie had told the truth1 and when he and ,wiggins started out together the latter not only lost one of the best games of the season1 but had to attend the obsequies of an old lady in whom he had no interest whatever as well4 ,,chief ,,clerk 7to office boy7--,why on earth don't you laugh when the boss tells a joke8 ,,office ,,boy--,i don't have to2 ,i quit on ,saturday4--,satire4 ,james ,j4 ,hill1 the ,railway ,king1 told the following amusing incident that happened on one of his roads3 ,one of our division superintendents had received numerous complaints that freight trains were in the habit of stopping on a grade crossing in a certain small town1 thereby blocking travel for long periods4 ,he issued orders1 but still the complaints came in4 ,finally he decided to investigate personally4 ,a short man in size and very excitable1 he went down to the crossing1 and1 sure enough1 there stood1 in defiance of his orders1 a long freight train1 anchored squarely across it4 ,a brakeman who didn't know him by sight sat complacently on the top of the car4 ',move that train on6' sputtered the little 'super4' ',get it off the crossing so people can pass4 ,move on1 ,i say6' ,the brakeman surveyed the tempestuous little man from head to foot4 ',you go to the deuce1 you little shrimp1' he replied4 ',you're small enough to crawl under4' ,,enemies ,an old man who had led a sinful life was dying1 and his wife sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him4 ,the preacher spent some time praying and talking1 and finally the old man said3 ,what do you want me to do1 ,parson8 ,renounce the ,devil1 renounce the ,devil1 replied the preacher4 ,well1 but1 ,parson1 protested the dying man1 ,i ain't in position to make any enemies4 ,it is better to decide a difference between enemies than friends1 for one of our friends will certainly become an enemy and one of our enemies a friend4--,bias4 ,the world is large when its weary leagues two loving hearts divide2 ,but the world is small when your enemy is loose on the other side4 --,john ,boyle ,o',reilly4 ,,england ,see ,great ,britain4 ,,english ,,language ,a popular hotel in ,rome has a sign in the elevator reading3 ,please do not touch the ,lift at your own risk4 ,the class at ,heidelberg was studying ,english conjugations1 and each verb considered was used in a model sentence1 so that the students would gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words1 as well as learning the varying forms of the verb4 ,this morning it was the verb to have in the sentence1 ,i have a gold mine4 ,herr ,schmitz was called to his feet by ,professor ,wulff4 ,conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence1 ',i haff a golt mine1 the professor ordered4 ,i haff a golt mine1 du hast a golt dein1 he hass a golt hiss4 ,ve1 you or dey haff a golt ours1 yours or deirs1 as de case may be4 ,language is the expression of ideas1 and if the people of one country cannot preserve an identity of ideas1 they cannot retain an identity of language4--,noah ,webster4 ,,englishmen ,he who laughs last is an ,englishman4--,princeton ,tiger4 ,nat ,goodwill was at the club with an ,english friend and became the center of an appreciative group4 ,a cigar man offered the comedian a cigar1 saying that it was a new production4 ,with each cigar1 you understand1 the promoter said1 ,i will give a coupon1 and when you have smoked three thousand of them you may bring the coupons to me and exchange them for a grand piano4 ,nat sniffed the cigar1 pinched it gently1 and then replied3 ,if ,i smoked three thousand of these cigars ,i think ,i would need a harp instead of a grand piano4 ,there was a burst of laughter in which the ,englishman did not join1 but presently he exploded with merriment4 ,i see the point he exclaimed4 ,being an actor1 you have to travel around the country a great deal and a harp would be so much more convenient to carry4 ,,enthusiasm ,theodore ,watts1 says ,charles ,rowley in his book ,fifty ,years of ,work ,without ,wages1 tells a good story against himself4 ,a nature enthusiast1 he was climbing ,snowdon1 and overtook an old gypsy woman4 ,he began to dilate upon the sublimity of the scenery1 in somewhat gushing phrases4 ,the woman paid no attention to him4 ,provoked by her irresponsiveness1 he said1 ,you don't seem to care for this magnificent scenery8 ,she took the pipe from her mouth and delivered this settler3 ,i enjies it2 ,i don't jabber4 ,,epitaphs ,,little ,,clarence--,pa6 ,,his ,,father--,well1 my son8 ,,little ,,clarence--,i took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the inscriptions on the tombstones4 ,,his ,,father--,and what were your thoughts after you had done so8 ,,little ,,clarence--,why1 pa1 ,i wondered where all the wicked people were buried4--,judge4 ,the widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around the village4 ,among the places visited was the churchyard1 and the bride paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the bridegroom4 ,being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the inscription1 and in reverent tones he read3 ,here lies ,susan1 beloved wife of ,john ,smith2 also ,jane1 beloved wife of ,john ,smith2 also ,mary1 beloved wife of ,john ,smith-- ,he paused abruptly1 and the bride1 leaning forward to see the bottom line1 read1 to her horror3 ,be ,ye ,also ,ready4 ,a man wished to have something original on his wife's headstone and hit upon1 ,lord1 she was ,thine4 ,he had his own ideas of the size of the letters and the space between words1 and gave instructions to the stonemason4 ,the latter carried them out all right1 except that he could not get in the ,e in ,thine4 ,in a cemetery at ,middlebury1 ,vt41 is a stone1 erected by a widow to her loving husband1 bearing this inscription3 ,rest in peace--until we meet again4 ,an epitaph in an old ,moravian cemetery reads thus3 ,remember1 friend1 as you pass by1 ,as you are now1 so once was ,i2 ,as ,i am now thus you must be1 ,so be prepared to follow me4 ,there had been written underneath in pencil1 presumably by some wag3 ,to follow you ,i'm not content ,till ,i find out which way you went4 ,i expected it1 but ,i didn't expect it quite so soon4--,life4 ,after ,life's scarlet fever ,i sleep well4 ,here lies the body of ,sarah ,sexton1 ,who never did aught to vex one4 7,not like the woman under the next stone47 ,as a general thing1 the writer of epitaphs is a monumental liar4--,john ,e4 ,rosser4 ,maria ,brown1 ,wife of ,timothy ,brown1 aged #hj years4 ,she lived with her husband fifty years1 and died in the confident hope of a better life4 ,here lies the body of ,enoch ,holden1 who died suddenly and unexpectedly by being kicked to death by a cow4 ,well done1 good and faithful servant6 ,a bereaved husband feeling his loss very keenly found it desirable to divert his mind by traveling abroad4 ,before his departure1 however1 he left orders for a tombstone with the inscription3 ,the light of my life has gone out4 ,travel brought unexpected and speedy relief1 and before the time for his return he had taken another wife4 ,it was then that he remembered the inscription1 and thinking it would not be pleasing to his new wife1 he wrote to the stone-cutter1 asking that he exercise his ingenuity in adapting it to the new conditions4 ,after his return he took his new wife to see the tombstone and found that the inscription had been made to read3 ,the light of my life has gone out1 ,but ,i have struck another match4 ,here lies ,bernard ,lightfoot1 ,who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth year of his age4 ,this monument was erected by his grateful family4 ,i thought it mushroom when ,i found ,it in the woods1 forsaken2 ,but since ,i sleep beneath this mound1 ,i must have been mistaken4 ,on the tombstone of a ,mr4 ,box appears this inscription3 ,here lies one ,box within another4 ,the one of wood was very good1 ,we cannot say so much for t'other4 ,nobles and heralds by your leave1 ,here lies what once was ,matthew ,prior2 ,the son of ,adam and of ,eve2 ,can ,bourbon or ,nassau claim higher8 --,prior4 ,kind reader6 take your choice to cry or laugh2 ,here ,harold lies-but where's his ,epitaph8 ,if such you seek1 try ,westminster1 and view ,ten thousand1 just as fit for him as you4 --,byron4 ,i conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone4--,charles ,lamb4 ,,epithets ,john ,fiske1 the historian1 was once interrupted by his wife1 who complained that their son had been very disrespectful to some neighbors4 ,mr4 ,fiske called the youngster into his study4 ,my boy1 is it true that you called ,mrs4 ,jones a fool8 ,the boy hung his head4 ,yes1 father4 ,and did you call ,mr4 ,jones a worse fool8 ,yes1 father4 ,mr4 ,fiske frowned and pondered for a minute4 ,then he said3 ,well1 my son1 that is just about the distinction ,i should make4 ,see that man over there4 ,he is a bombastic mutt1 a windjammer nonentity1 a false alarm1 and an encumberer of the earth6 ,would you mind writing all that down for me8 ,why in the world-- ,he's my husband1 and ,i should like to use it on him some time4 ,,equality ,as one of the ,white ,star steamships came up ,new ,york harbor the other day1 a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her4 ,clear out of the way with that old mud scow6 shouted an officer on the bridge4 ,a round1 sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway4 ,are ye the captain of that vessel8 ,no1 answered the officer4 ,then spake to yer equals4 ,i'm the captain o' this6 came from the barge4 ,,ermine ,said an envious1 erudite ermine3 ,there's one thing ,i cannot determine3 ,when a man wears my coat1 ,he's a person of note1 ,while ,i'm but a species of vermin6 ,,escapes ,there was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond4 ,a farmer1 cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts and yells1 and ran to the pond at break-neck speed4 ,he saw a large black hole in the ice1 and a pale young fellow stood with chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water4 ,the farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the edge of the hole4 ,then1 extending his hand1 he said3 ,here1 come over this way1 and ,i'll lift you out4 ,no1 ,i can't swim1 was the impatient reply4 ,throw a rope to me4 ,hurry up4 ,it's cold in here4 ,i ain't got no rope1 said the farmer2 and he added angrily4 ,what if you can't swim you can wade1 ,i guess6 ,the water's only up to your shoulders4 ,up to my shoulders8 said the young fellow4 ,it's eight feet deep if it's an inch4 ,i'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice6 ,,ethics ,my ethical state1 ,were ,i wealthy and great1 ,is a subject you wish ,i'd reply on4 ,now who can foresee ,what his morals might be8 ,what would yours be if you were a lion8 --,martial2 tr4 by ,paul ,nixon4 ,,etiquet ,a ,boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her1 as two men rose in a car to give them seats3 ,oh1 ,i wish they would not do it4 ,why not8 ,i think it is very nice of them1 said her friend1 settling herself comfortably4 ,yes1 but one can't thank them1 you know1 and it is so awkward4 ,can't thank them6 ,why not8 ,why1 you would not speak to a strange man1 would you8 said the ,boston maiden1 to the astonishment of her southern friend4 ,a little girl on the train to ,pittsburgh was chewing gum4 ,not only that1 but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall back into her mouth again4 ,mabel6 said her mother in a horrified whisper4 ,mabel1 don't do that4 ,chew your gum like a little lady4 ,,little ,,brother--,what's etiquet8 ,,little ,,bigger ,,brother--,it's saying ',no1 thank you1' when you want to holler ',gimme6'--,judge4 ,a ,lady there was of ,antigua1 ,who said to her spouse1 ,what a pig you are6 ,he answered1 ,my queen1 ,is it manners you mean1 ,or do you refer to my figure8 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,they were at dinner and the dainties were on the table4 ,will you take tart or pudding8 asked ,papa of ,tommy4 ,tart1 said ,tommy promptly4 ,his father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had given the boy4 ,tart1 what8 he queried kindly4 ,but ,tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry4 ,tart1 what8 asked the father again1 sharply this time4 ,tart1 first1 answered ,tommy triumphantly4 ,,tommy',s ,,aunt--,won't you have another piece of cake1 ,tommy8 ,,tommy 7on a visit7--,no1 ,i thank you4 ,,tommy',s ,,aunt--,you seem to be suffering from loss of appetite4 ,,tommy--,that ain't loss of appetite4 ,what ,i'm sufferin' from is politeness4 ,there was a young man so benighted1 ,he never knew when he was slighted2 ,he would go to a party1 ,and eat just as hearty1 ,as if he'd been really invited4 ,,european ,,war ,,officer 7as ,private ,atkins worms his way toward the enemy7--,you fool6 ,come back at once6 ,,tommy--,no bally fear1 sir6 ,there's a hornet in the trench4--,punch4 ,you can tell an ,englishman nowadays by the way he holds his head up4 ,pride1 eh8 ,no1 ,zeppelin neck4 ,,little ,,girl 7who has been sitting very still with a seraphic expression7--,i wish ,i was an angel1 mother6 ,,mother--,what makes you say that1 darling8 ,,little ,,girl--,because then ,i could drop bombs on the ,germans6--,punch4 ,from a sailor's letter to his wife3 ,dear ,jane1--,i am sending you a postal order for #ajs41 which ,i hope you may get--but you may not--as this letter has to pass the ,censor4 --,punch4 ,two country darkies listened1 awe-struck1 while some planters discussed the tremendous range of the new ,german guns4 ,dar now1 exclaimed one negro1 when his master had finished expatiating on the hideous havoc wrought by a forty-two-centimeter shell1 jes' lak ,i bin tellin' yo' niggehs all de time6 ,don' le's have no guns lak dem roun' heah6 ,why1 us niggehs could start runnin' erway1 run all day1 git almos' home free1 an' den git kilt jus' befo' suppeh6 ,dat's de trufe1 assented his companion1 an' lemme tell yo' sumpin' else1 ,bo4 ,all dem guns needs is jus' yo' ad-dress1 dat's all2 jes' giv' em de ad-dress an' they'll git yo'4 ,see also ,war4 ,,evidence ,from a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory1 a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners4 ,what is the charge against these young men8 asked the magistrate before whom they were arraigned4 ,disturbin' the peace1 yer honor1 said the policeman4 ,they were givin' their college yells in the street an' makin' trouble generally4 ,what is your name8 the judge asked one of the prisoners4 ,ro-ro-robert ,ro-ro-rollins1 stuttered the youth4 ,i asked for your name1 sir1 not the evidence4 ,maud ,muller1 on a summer night1 ,turned down the only parlor light4 ,the judge1 beside her1 whispered things ,of wedding bells and diamond rings4 ,he spoke his love in burning phrase1 ,and acted foolish forty ways4 ,when he had gone ,maud gave a laugh ,and then turned off the dictagraph4 --,milwaukee ,sentinel4 ,one day a hostess asked a well known ,parisian judge3 ,your ,honor1 which do you prefer1 ,burgundy or ,bordeaux8 ,madame1 that is a case in which ,i have so much pleasure in taking the evidence that ,i always postpone judgment1 was the wily jurist's reply4 ,see also ,courts2 ,witnesses4 ,,examinations ,an instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history1 dwelt particularly on the phrase ,and ,enoch was not1 for ,god took him4 ,so many times was this repeated in connection with the death of ,enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly when asked in examination3 ,state in the exact language of the ,bible what is said of ,enoch's death4 ,but this was the answer he got3 ,enoch was not what ,god took him for4 ,a member of the faculty of the ,university of ,wisconsin tells of some amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in ,english4 ,the candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the indicative1 the subjunctive1 the potential and the exclamatory moods4 ,his efforts resulted as follows3 ,i am endeavoring to pass an ,english examination4 ,if ,i answer twenty questions ,i shall pass4 ,if ,i answer twelve questions ,i may pass4 ,god help me6 ,the following selection of mistakes in examinations may convince almost any one that there are some peaks of ignorance which he has yet to climb3 ,magna ,charta said that the ,king had no right to bring soldiers into a lady's house and tell her to mind them4 ,panama is a town of ,colombo1 where they are trying to make an isthmus4 ,the three highest mountains in ,scotland are ,ben ,nevis1 ,ben ,lomond and ,ben ,jonson4 ,wolsey saved his life by dying on the way from ,york to ,london4 ,bigamy is when a man tries to serve two masters4 ,those melodious bursts that fill the spacious days of great ,elizabeth refers to the songs that ,queen ,elizabeth used to write in her spare time4 ,tennyson wrote a poem called ,grave's ,energy4 ,the ,rump ,parliament consisted entirely of ,cromwell's stalactites4 ,the plural of spouse is spice4 ,queen ,elizabeth rode a white horse from ,kenilworth through ,coventry with nothing on1 and ,raleigh offered her his cloak4 ,the law allowing only one wife is called monotony4 ,when ,england was placed under an ,interdict the ,pope stopped all births1 marriages and deaths for a year4 ,the ,pyramids are a range of mountains between ,france and ,spain4 ,the gods of the ,indians are chiefly ,mahommed and ,buddha1 and in their spare time they do lots of carving4 ,every one needs a holiday from one year's end to another4 ,the ,seven ,great ,powers of ,europe are gravity1 electricity1 steam1 gas1 fly-wheels1 and motors1 and ,mr4 ,lloyd ,george4 ,the hydra was married to ,henry ,,viii4 ,when he cut off her head another sprung up4 ,liberty of conscience means doing wrong and not worrying about it afterward4 ,the ,habeas ,corpus act was that no one need stay in prison longer than he liked4 ,becket put on a camel-air shirt and his life at once became dangerous4 ,the two races living in the north of ,europe are ,esquimaux and ,archangels4 ,skeleton is what you have left when you take a man's insides out and his outsides off4 ,ellipsis is when you forget to kiss4 ,a bishop without a diocese is called a suffragette4 ,artificial perspiration is the way to make a person alive when they are only just dead4 ,a night watchman is a man employed to sleep in the open air4 ,the tides are caused by the sun drawing the water out and the moon drawing it in again4 ,the liver is an infernal organ of the body4 ,a circle is a line which meets its other end without ending4 ,triangles are of three kinds1 the equilateral or three-sided1 the quadrilateral or four-sided1 and the multilateral or polyglot4 ,general ,braddock was killed in the ,revolutionary ,war4 ,he had three horses shot under him and a fourth went through his clothes4 ,a buttress is the wife of a butler4 ,the young ,pretender was so called because it was pretended that he was born in a frying-pan4 ,a verb is a word which is used in order to make an exertion4 ,a ,passive ,verb is when the subject is the sufferer1 e4g41 ,i am loved4 ,lord ,raleigh was the first man to see the invisible ,armada4 ,a schoolmaster is called a pedigree4 ,the ,south of the ,u4 ,s4 ,a4 grows oranges1 figs1 melons and a great quantity of preserved fruits1 especially tinned meats4 ,the wife of a ,prime ,minister is called a ,primate4 ,the ,greeks were too thickly populated to be comfortable4 ,the ,american war was started because the people would persist in sending their parcels thru the post without stamps4 ,prince ,william was drowned in a butt of ,malmsey wine2 he never laughed again4 ,the heart is located on the west side of the body4 ,richard ,,ii is said to have been murdered by some historians2 his real fate is uncertain4 ,subjects have a right to partition the king4 ,a kaiser is a stream of hot water springin' up an' distubin' the earth4 ,he had nothing left to live for but to die4 ,franklin's education was got by himself4 ,he worked himself up to be a great literal man4 ,he was also able to invent electricity4 ,franklin's father was a tallow chandelier4 ,monastery is the place for monsters4 ,sir ,walter ,raleigh was put out once when his servant found him with fire in his head4 ,and one day after there had been a lot of rain1 he threw his cloak in a puddle and the queen stepped dryly over4 ,the ,greeks planted colonists for their food supplies4 ,nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog's tail will kill a man4 ,a mosquito is the child of black and white parents4 ,an author is a queer animal because his tales 7tails7 come from his head4 ,wind is air in a hurry4 ,the people that come to ,america found ,indians1 but no people4 ,shadows are rays of darkness4 ,lincoln wrote the address while riding from ,washington to ,gettysburg on an envelope4 ,queen ,elizabeth was tall and thin1 but she was a stout protestant4 ,an equinox is a man who lives near the north pole4 ,an abstract noun is something we can think of but cannot feel--as a red hot poker4 ,the population of ,new ,england is too dry for farming4 ,anatomy is the human body1 which consists of three parts1 the head1 the chist1 and the stummick4 ,the head contains the eyes and brains1 if any4 ,the chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver4 ,the stummick is devoted to the bowels1 of which there are five1 a1 e1 i1 o1 u1 and sometimes w and y4 ,filigree means a list of your descendants4 ,the ,complete ,angler was written by ,euclid because he knew all about angles4 ,the imperfect tense in ,french is used to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all4 ,arabia has many syphoons and very bad ones2 ,it gets into your hair even with your mouth shut4 ,the modern name for ,gaul is vinegar4 ,some of the ,west ,india ,islands are subject to torpedoes4 ,the ,crusaders were a wild and savage people until ,peter the ,hermit preached to them4 ,on the low coast plains of ,mexico yellow fever is very popular4 ,louis ,,xvi was gelatined during the ,french ,revolution4 ,gender shows whether a man is masculine1 feminine1 or neuter4 ,an angle is a triangle with only two sides4 ,geometry teaches us how to bisex angels4 ,gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away4 ,a vacuum is a large empty space where the ,pope lives4 ,a deacon is the lowest kind of ,christian4 ,vapor is dried water4 ,the ,salic law is that you must take everything with a grain of salt4 ,the ,zodiac is the ,zoo of the sky1 where lions1 goats and other animals go after they are dead4 ,the ,pharisees were people who like to show off their goodness by praying in synonyms4 ,an abstract noun is something you can't see when you are looking at it4 ,,excuses ,the children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents1 addresses1 dates and place of birth4 ,on ,monday morning ,katie ,barnes arrived1 the tears streaming down her cheeks4 ,what is the trouble8 ,miss ,green inquired1 seeking to comfort her4 ,oh1 sobbed the little girl1 ,i forgot my excuse for being born4 ,o4 ,henry always retained the whimsical sense of humor which made him quickly famous4 ,shortly before his death he called on the cashier of a ,new ,york publishing house1 after vainly writing several times for a check which had been promised as an advance on his royalties4 ,i'm sorry1 explained the cashier1 but ,mr4 ,blank1 who signs the checks1 is laid up with a sprained ankle4 ,but1 my dear sir1 expostulated the author1 does he sign them with his feet8 ,strolling along the boardwalk at ,atlantic ,city1 ,mr4 ,mulligan1 the wealthy retired contractor1 dropped a quarter through a crack in the planking4 ,a friend came along a minute later and found him squatted down1 industriously poking a two dollar bill through the treacherous cranny with his forefinger4 ,mulligan1 what the divvil ar-re ye doin'8 inquired the friend4 ,sh-h1 said ,mr4 ,mulligan1 ,i'm tryin' to make it wort' me while to tear up this board4 ,a captain1 inspecting his company one morning1 came to an ,irishman who evidently had not shaved for several days4 ,doyle1 he asked1 how is it that you haven't shaved this morning8 ,but ,oi did1 sor4 ,how dare you tell me that with the beard you have on your face8 ,well1 ye see1 sor1 stammered ,doyle1 there wus nine of us to one small bit uv a lookin'-glass1 an' it must be thot in th' gineral confusion ,oi shaved some other man's face4 ,is that you1 dear8 said a young husband over the telephone4 ,i just called up to say that ,i'm afraid ,i won't be able to get home to dinner to-night1 as ,i am detained at the office4 ,you poor dear1 answered the wife sympathetically4 ,i don't wonder4 ,i don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra playing in your office4 ,good-by4 ,what is the matter1 dearest8 asked the mother of a small girl who had been discovered crying in the hall4 ,somfing awful's happened1 ,mother4 ,well1 what is it1 sweetheart8 ,my d'doll-baby got away from me and broked a plate in the pantry4 ,a poor casual laborer1 working on a scaffolding1 fell five stories to the ground4 ,as his horrified mates rushed down pell-mell to his aid1 he picked himself up1 uninjured1 from a great1 soft pile of sand4 ,say1 fellers1 he murmured anxiously1 is the boss mad8 ,tell him ,i had to come down anyway for a ball of twine4 ,cephas is a darky come up from ,maryland to a border town in ,pennsylvania1 where he has established himself as a handy man to do odd jobs4 ,he is a good worker1 and sober1 but there are certain proclivities of his which necessitate a pretty close watch on him4 ,not long ago he was caught with a chicken under his coat1 and was haled to court to explain its presence there4 ,now1 ,cephas1 said the judge very kindly1 you have got into a new place1 and you ought to have new habits4 ,we have been good to you and helped you1 and while we like you as a sober and industrious worker1 this other business cannot be tolerated4 ,why did you take ,mrs4 ,gilkie's chicken8 ,cephas was stumped1 and he stood before the majesty of the law1 rubbing his head and looking ashamed of himself4 ,finally he answered3 ,deed1 ,i dunno1 ,jedge1 he explained1 ceptin' 't is dat chickens is chickens and niggers is niggers4 ,,grandma--,johnny1 ,i have discovered that you have taken more maple-sugar than ,i gave you4 ,,johnny--,yes1 ,grandma1 ,i've been making believe there was another little boy spending the day with me4 ,mr4 ,x was a prominent member of the ,b4,p4,o4,e4 ,at the breakfast table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at the lodge the previous night4 ,the president of the order offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife4 ,and1 would you believe it1 ,mary8--not a one stood up4 ,george1 his wife said1 why didn't you stand up8 ,well1 he replied1 ,i was going to1 but ,i know ,i look like hell in a silk hat4 ,and oftentimes excusing of a fault ,doth make the fault the worse by the excuse1 ,as patches set upon a little breach1 ,discredit more in hiding of the fault ,than did the fault before it was so patched4 --,shakespeare4 ,,exposure ,,tramp--,lady1 ,i'm dying from exposure4 ,,woman--,are you a tramp1 politician or financier8--,judge4 ,,extortion ,see ,dressmakers4 ,,extravagance ,there was a young girl named ,o',neill1 ,who went up in the great ,ferris wheel2 ,but when half way around ,she looked at the ground1 ,and it cost her an eighty-cent meal4 ,everybody knew that ,john ,polkinhorn was the carelessest man in town1 but nobody ever thought he was careless enough to marry ,susan ,rankin1 seeing that he had known her for years4 ,for awhile they got along fairly well but one day after five years of it ,john hung himself in the attic1 where ,susan used to dry the wash on rainy days1 and a carpenter1 who went up to the roof to do some repairs1 found him there4 ,he told ,susan1 and ,susan hurried up to see about it1 and1 sure enough1 the carpenter was right4 ,she stood looking at her late husband for about a minute--kind of dazed1 the carpenter thought--then she spoke4 ,well1 ,i declare6 she exclaimed4 ,if he hasn't used my new clothes-line1 and the old would have done every bit as well6 ,but1 of course1 that's just like ,john ,polkinhorn4 ,the editor of my paper1 declared the newspaper business manager to a little coterie of friends1 is a peculiar genius4 ,why1 would you believe it1 when he draws his weekly salary he keeps out only one dollar for spending money and sends the rest to his wife in ,indianapolis6 ,his listeners--with one exception1 who sat silent and reflective--gave vent to loud murmurs of wonder and admiration4 ,now1 it may sound thin1 added the speaker1 but it is true1 nevertheless4 ,oh1 ,i don't doubt it at all6 quickly rejoined the quiet one2 ,i was only wondering what he does with the dollar6 ,an ,irish soldier was recently given leave of absence the morning after pay day4 ,when his leave expired he didn't appear4 ,he was brought at last before the commandant for sentence1 and the following dialogue is recorded3 ,well1 ,murphy1 you look as if you had had a severe engagement4 ,yes1 sur4 ,have you any money left8 ,no1 sur4 ,you had #ce when you left the fort1 didn't you8 ,yes1 sur4 ,what did you do with it8 ,well1 sur1 ,i was walking along and ,i met a friend1 and we went into a place and spint #h4 ,thin we came out and ,i met another friend and we spint #h more1 and thin ,i come out and we met another friend and we spint #h more1 and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends1 and ,i spint #h more--and thin ,i come home4 ,but1 ,murphy1 that makes only #cb4 ,what did you do with the other #c8 ,murphy thought4 ,then he shook his head slowly and said3 ,i dunno1 colonel1 ,i reckon ,i must have squandered that money foolishly4 ,,failures ,little ,ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face4 ,is it true1 father1 he asked1 that marriage is a failure8 ,his father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment4 ,well1 ,ikey1 he finally replied1 ,if you get a rich wife1 it's almost as good as a failure4 ,,faith ,faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets4--,country ,life in ,america4 ,what is faith1 ,johnny8 asks the ,sunday school teacher4 ,pa says1 answers ,johnny1 that it's readin' in the papers that the price o' things has come down1 an expectin' to find it true when the bills comes in4 ,faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt4 ,as ,i understand it1 ,doctor1 if ,i believe ,i'm well1 ,i'll be well4 ,is that the idea8 ,it is4 ,then1 if you believe you are paid1 ,i suppose you'll be paid4 ,not necessarily4 ,but why shouldn't faith work as well in one case as in the other8 ,why1 you see1 there is considerable difference between having faith in ,providence and having faith in you4--,horace ,zimmerman4 ,mother had been having considerable argument with her infant daughter as to whether the latter was going to be left alone in a dark room to go to sleep4 ,as a clincher1 the mother said3 ,there is no reason at all why you should be afraid4 ,remember that ,god is here all the time1 and1 besides1 you have your dolly4 ,now go to sleep like a good little girl4 ,twenty minutes later a wail came from upstairs1 and mother went to the foot of the stairs to pacify her daughter4 ,don't cry1 she said2 remember what ,i told you--,god is there with you and you have your dolly4 ,but ,i don't want them1 wailed the baby2 ,i want you1 muvver2 ,i want somebody here that has got a skin face on them4 ,faith is a fine invention ,for gentlemen who see2 ,but ,microscopes are prudent ,in an emergency4 --,emily ,dickinson4 ,,faithfulness ,a wizened little ,irishman applied for a job loading a ship4 ,at first they said he was too small1 but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial4 ,he seemed to be making good1 and they gradually increased the size of his load until on the last trip he was carrying a #cjj-pound anvil under each arm4 ,when he was half-way across the gangplank it broke and the ,irishman fell in4 ,with a great splashing and spluttering he came to the surface4 ,t'row me a rope1 ,i say6 he shouted again4 ,once more he sank4 ,a third time he rose struggling4 ,say6 he spluttered angrily1 if one uv you shpalpeens don't hurry up an' t'row me a rope ,i'm goin' to drop one uv these damn t'ings6 ,,fame ,fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you4 ,many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely happened to meet an editor who was hard up for material4 ,were not this desire of fame very strong1 the difficulty of obtaining it1 and the danger of losing it when obtained1 would be sufficient to deter a man from so vain a pursuit4--,addison4 ,,families ,yes1 sir1 our household represents the ,united ,kingdom of ,great ,britain1 said the proud father of number one to the rector4 ,i am ,english1 my wife's ,irish1 the nurse is ,scotch and the baby wails4 ,mrs4 ,o',flarity is a scrub lady1 and she had been absent from her duties for several days4 ,upon her return her employer asked her the reason for her absence4 ,sure1 ,i've been carin' for wan of me sick children1 she replied4 ,and how many children have you1 ,mrs4 ,o',flarity8 he asked4 ,siven in all1 she replied4 ,four by the third wife of me second husband2 three by the second wife of me furst4 ,a man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way to the street-car1 followed by his wife and fourteen children1 when a policeman touched him on the shoulder and said3 ,come along wid me4 ,what for8 ,blamed if ,i know2 but when ye're locked up ,i'll go back and find out why that crowd was following ye4 ,,farewells ,happy are we met1 ,happy have we been1 ,happy may we part1 and ,happy meet again4 ,a dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey4 ,securing her a seat he passed out of the car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word4 ,while he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend1 and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the window4 ,unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the window and said3 ,one more kiss1 pet4 ,in another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window1 followed by the wrathful injunction3 ,scat1 you gray-headed wretch6 ,i am going to make my farewell tour in ,shakespeare4 ,what shall be the play8 ,hamlet8 ,macbeth8 ,this is your sixth farewell tour1 ,i believe4 ,well1 yes4 ,i would suggest ',much ,adieu ,about ,nothing'4 ,farewell6 ,for in that word--that fatal word--howe'er ,we promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair4 --,byron4 ,,fashion ,there are two kinds of women3 ,the fashionable ones and those who are comfortable4--,tom ,p4 ,morgan4 ,there had been a dressmaker in the house and ,minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fashions4 ,that night when she said her prayers1 she added a new petition1 uttered with unwonted fervency3 ,and1 dear ,lord1 please make us all very stylish4 ,nothing is thought rare ,which is not new1 and follow'd2 yet we know ,that what was worn some twenty years ago ,comes into grace again4 --,beaumont and ,fletcher4 ,as good be out of the ,world as out of the ,fashion4--,colley ,cibber4 ,,fate ,fate hit me very hard one day4 ,i cried3 ,what is my fault8 ,what have ,i done8 ,what causes1 pray1 ,this unprovoked assault8 ,she paused1 then said3 ,darned if ,i know2 ,i really can't explain4 ,then just before she turned to go ,she whacked me once again6 --,la ,touche ,hancock4 ,so in the ,libyan fable it is told ,that once an eagle stricken with a dart1 ,said1 when he saw the fashion of the shaft1 ,with our own feathers1 not by others' hands1 ,are we now smitten4 --,aeschylus4 ,,fathers ,a director of one of the great transcontinental railroads was showing his three-year-old daughter the pictures in a work on natural history4 ,pointing to a picture of a zebra1 he asked the baby to tell him what it represented4 ,baby answered ,coty4 ,pointing to a picture of a tiger in the same way1 she answered ,kitty4 ,then a lion1 and she answered ,doggy4 ,elated with her seeming quick perception1 he then turned to the picture of a ,chimpanzee and said3 ,baby1 what is this8 ,papa4 ,,faults ,women's faults are many1 ,men have only two-- ,everything they say1 ,and everything they do4 --,le ,crabbe4 ,,fees ,see ,tips4 ,,feet ,,big ,,man 7with a grouch7--,will you be so kind as to get off my feet8 ,,little ,,man 7with a bundle7--,i'll try1 sir4 ,is it much of a walk8 ,,fighting ,who gave ye th' black eye1 ,jim8 ,nobody give it t' me2 ,i had t' fight fer it4--,life4 ,there6 ,you have a black eye1 and your nose is bruised1 and your coat is torn to bits1 said ,mamma1 as her youngest appeared at the door4 ,how many times have ,i told you not to play with that bad ,jenkins boy8 ,now1 look here1 ,mother1 said ,bobby1 do ,i look as if we'd been playing8 ,two of the leading attorneys of ,memphis1 who had been warm friends for years1 happened to be opposing counsel in a case some time ago4 ,the older of the two was a man of magnificent physique1 almost six feet four1 and built in proportion1 while the younger was barely five feet and weighed not more than ninety pounds4 ,in the course of his argument the big man unwittingly made some remark that aroused the ire of his small adversary4 ,a moment later he felt a great pulling and tugging at his coat tails4 ,looking down1 he was greatly astonished to see his opponent wildly gesticulating and dancing around him4 ,what on earth are you trying to do there1 ,dudley8 he asked4 ,by ,gawd1 suh1 ,i'm fightin'1 suh6 ,an ,irishman boasted that he could lick any man in ,boston1 yes1 ,massachusetts1 and finally he added ,new ,england4 ,when he came to1 he said3 ,i tried to cover too much territory4 ,dose ,irish make me sick1 alvays talking about vat gread fighders dey are1 said a ,teutonic resident of ,hoboken1 with great contempt4 ,vhy1 at ,minna's vedding der odder night dot drunken ,mike ,o',hooligan butted in1 und me und mein bruder1 und mein cousin ,fritz und mein frient ,louie ,hartmann--vhy1 we pretty near kicked him oudt of der house6 ,,village ,,grocer--,what are you running for1 sonny8 ,,boy--,i'm tryin' to keep two fellers from fightin'4 ,,village ,,grocer--,who are the fellows8 ,,boy--,bill ,perkins and me6--,puck4 ,an aged1 gray-haired and very wrinkled old woman1 arrayed in the outlandish calico costume of the mountains1 was summoned as a witness in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house4 ,she took the witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial ,bourbon verdancy4 ,the ,judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place4 ,she insisted it did not amount to much1 but the ,judge by his persistency finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas4 ,now1 ,i tell ye1 ,jedge1 it didn't amount to nuthn'4 ,the fust ,i knowed about it was when ,bill ,saunder called ,tom ,smith a liar1 en ,tom knocked him down with a stick o' wood4 ,one o' ,bill's friends then cut ,tom with a knife1 slicin' a big chunk out o' him4 ,then ,sam ,jones1 who was a friend of ,tom's1 shot the other feller and two more shot him1 en three or four others got cut right smart by somebody4 ,that nachly caused some excitement1 ,jedge1 en then they commenced fightin'4 ,do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he gave you that black eye8 asked the magistrate4 ,sure1 your honor1 he wasn't a physical wreck till after he gave me the black eye1 replied the complaining wife4--,london ,telegraph4 ,a pessimistic young man dining alone in a restaurant ordered broiled live lobster4 ,when the waiter put it on the table it was obviously minus one claw4 ,the pessimistic young man promptly kicked4 ,the waiter said it was unavoidable--there had been a fight in the kitchen between two lobsters4 ,the other one had torn off one of the claws of this lobster and had eaten it4 ,the young man pushed the lobster over toward the waiter4 ,take it away1 he said wearily1 and bring me the winner4 ,there never was a good war or a bad peace4--,benjamin ,franklin4 ,the master-secret in fighting is to strike once1 but in the right place4--,john ,c4 ,snaith4 ,,finance ,willie had a savings bank2 ',twas made of painted tin4 ,he passed it 'round among the boys1 ,who put their pennies in4 ,then ,willie wrecked that bank and bought ,sweetmeats and chewing gum4 ,and to the other envious lads ,he never offered some4 ,what will we do8 his mother said3 ,it is a sad mischance4 ,his father said3 ,we'll cultivate ,his gift for high finance4 --,washington ,star4 ,,hicks--,i've got to borrow #bjj somewhere4 ,,wicks--,take my advice and borrow #cjj while you are about it4 ,but ,i only need #bjj4 ,that doesn't make any difference4 ,borrow #cjj and pay back #ajj of it in two installments at intervals of a month or so4 ,then the man that you borrow from will think he is going to get the rest of it4 ,it is said ,j4 ,p4 ,morgan could raise #aj1jjj1jjj on his check any minute2 but the man who is raising a large family on #i a week is a greater financier than ,morgan4 ,to modernize an old prophecy1 out of the mouths of babes shall come much worldly wisdom4 ,mr4 ,k4 has two boys whom he dearly loves4 ,one day he gave each a dollar to spend4 ,after much bargaining1 they brought home a wonderful four-wheeled steamboat and a beautiful train of cars4 ,for awhile the transportation business flourished1 and all was well1 but one day ,craig explained to his father that while business had been good1 he could do much better if he only had the capital to buy a train of cars like ,joe's4 ,his arguments must have been good1 for the money was forthcoming4 ,soon after1 little ,toe1 with probably less logic but more loving1 became possessed of a dollar to buy a steamboat like ,craig's4 ,but ,mr4 ,k41 who had furnished the additional capital1 looked in vain for the improved service4 ,the new rolling stock was not in evidence1 and explanations were vague and unsatisfactory1 as is often the case in the railroad game at which men play4 ,it took a stern court of inquiry to develop the fact that the railroad and steamship had simply changed hands--and at a mutual profit of one hundred per cent4 ,and ,mr4 ,k41 as he told his neighbor1 said it was worth that much to know that his boys would not need much of a legacy from him4--,p4,a4 ,kershaw4 ,an old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a close bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the small sum of twelve dollars4 ,why on earth did you agree to do it for so little8 his brother inquired4 ,well1 said the old painter1 you see1 the owner is a mighty unreliable man4 ,if ,i'd said ,i'd charge him twenty-five dollars1 likely he'd have only paid me nineteen4 ,and if ,i charge him twelve dollars1 he may not pay me but nine4 ,so ,i thought it over1 and decided to paint it for twelve dollars1 so ,i wouldn't lose so much4 ,,finger-,,bowls ,,mistress 7to new servant7--,why1 ,bridget1 this is the third time ,i've had to tell you about the finger-bowls4 ,didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table8 ,,bridget--,no1 mum2 her friends always washed their hands before they came4 ,,fire ,,departments ,clang1 clatter1 bang6 ,down the street came the fire engines4 ,driving along ahead1 oblivious of any danger1 was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy4 ,a policeman yelled at him3 ,hi there1 look out6 ,the fire department's coming4 ,turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart1 salvage wagon and engine whiz past4 ,then he turned out into the street again and drove on4 ,barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along4 ,the rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy1 smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter4 ,the policeman ran to his assistance4 ,didn't ,i tell ye to keep out of the way8 he demanded crossly4 ,didn't ,i tell ye the fire department was comin8 ,wall1 consarn ye1 said the peeved farmer1 ,i did git outer the way for th' fire department4 ,but what in tarnation was them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer8 ,two ,irishmen fresh from ,ireland had just landed in ,new ,york and engaged a room in the top story of a hotel4 ,mike1 being very sleepy1 threw himself on the bed and was soon fast asleep4 ,the sights were so new and strange to ,pat that he sat at the window looking out4 ,soon an alarm of fire was rung in and a fire-engine rushed by throwing up sparks of fire and clouds of smoke4 ,this greatly excited ,pat1 who called to his comrade to get up and come to the window1 but ,mike was fast asleep4 ,another engine soon followed the first1 spouting smoke and fire like the former4 ,this was too much for poor ,pat1 who rushed excitedly to the bedside1 and shaking his friend called loudly3 ,mike1 ,mike1 wake up6 ,they are moving ,hell1 and two loads have gone by already4 ,,fire ,,escapes ,fire escape3 ,a steel stairway on the exterior of a building1 erected after a ,,fire to ,,escape the law4 ,,fires ,ikey1 ,i hear you had a fire last ,thursday4 ,sh6 ,next ,thursday4 ,,first ,,aid ,,in ,,illness ,,and ,,injury ,the father of the family hurried to the telephone and called up the family physician4 ,our little boy is sick1 ,doctor1 he said1 so please come at once4 ,i can't get over much under an hour1 said the doctor4 ,oh please do1 ,doctor4 ,you see1 my wife has a book on ',what to ,do ,before the ,doctor ,comes1' and ,i'm so afraid she'll do it before you get here6 ,,nurse ,,girl--,oh1 ma'am1 what shall ,i do8 ,the twins have fallen down the well6 ,,fond ,,parent--,dear me6 how annoying6 ,just go into the library and get the last number of ,the ,modern ,mother's ,magazine2 it contains an article on ',how to ,bring ,up ,children4' ,,surgeon ,,at ,,new ,,york ,,hospital--,what brought you to this dreadful condition8 ,were you run over by a street-car8 ,,patient--,no1 sir2 ,i fainted1 and was brought to by a member of the ,society of ,first ,aid to the ,injured4--,life4 ,a prominent physician was recently called to his telephone by a colored woman formerly in the service of his wife4 ,in great agitation the woman advised the physician that her youngest child was in a bad way4 ,what seems to be the trouble8 asked the doctor4 ,doc1 she done swallered a bottle of ink6 ,i'll be over there in a short while to see her1 said the doctor4 ,have you done anything for her8 ,i done give her three pieces o' blottin'-paper1 ,doc1 said the colored woman doubtfully4 ,,fish ,a man went into a restaurant recently and said1 ,give me a half dozen fried oysters4 ,sorry1 sah1 answered the waiter1 but we's all out o' shell fish1 sah1 'ceptin' eggs4 ,little ,elizabeth and her mother were having luncheon together1 and the mother1 who always tried to impress facts upon her young daughter1 said3 ,these little sardines1 ,elizabeth1 are sometimes eaten by the larger fish4 ,elizabeth gazed at the sardines in wonder1 and then asked3 ,but1 mother1 how do the large fish get the cans open8 ,,fishermen ,at the birth of ,president ,cleveland's second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby4 ,finally the scales that the ,president always used to weigh the fish he caught on his trips were brought up from the cellar1 and the child was found to weigh twenty-five pounds4 ,doin' any good8 asked the curious individual on the bridge4 ,any good8 answered the fisherman1 in the creek below4 ,why ,i caught forty bass out o' here yesterday4 ,say1 do you know who ,i am8 asked the man on the bridge4 ,the fisherman replied that he did not4 ,well1 ,i am the county fish and game warden4 ,the angler1 after a moment's thought1 exclaimed1 ,say1 do you know who ,i am8 ,no1 the officer replied4 ,well1 ,i'm the biggest liar in eastern ,indiana1 said the crafty angler1 with a grin4 ,a young lady who had returned from a tour through ,italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the ,italian cities1 but most of all he loved ,venice4 ,ah1 ,venice1 to be sure6 said the friend4 ,i can readily understand that your father would like ,venice1 with its gondolas1 and ,st4 ,markses and ,michelangelos4 ,oh1 no1 the young lady interrupted1 it wasn't that4 ,he liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window4 ,smith the other day went fishing4 ,he caught nothing1 so on his way back home he telephoned to his provision dealer to send a dozen of bass around to his house4 ,he got home late himself4 ,his wife said to him on his arrival3 ,well1 what luck8 ,why1 splendid luck1 of course1 he replied4 ,didn't the boy bring that dozen bass ,i gave him8 ,mrs4 ,smith started4 ,then she smiled4 ,well1 yes1 ,i suppose he did1 she said4 ,there they are4 ,and she showed poor ,smith a dozen bottles of ,bass's ale4 ,you'll be a man like one of us some day1 said the patronizing sportsman to a lad who was throwing his line into the same stream4 ,yes1 sir1 he answered1 ,i s'pose ,i will some day1 but ,i b'lieve ,i'd rather stay small and ketch a few fish4 ,the more worthless a man1 the more fish he can catch4 ,as no man is born an artist1 so no man is born an angler4--,izaak ,walton4 ,,fishing ,a man was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in ,colorado which he had in contemplation4 ,are there any trout out there8 asked one friend4 ,thousands of 'em1 replied ,mr4 ,wharry4 ,will they bite easily8 asked another friend4 ,will they8 said ,mr4 ,wharry4 ,why they're absolutely vicious4 ,a man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook4 ,i got a bite--,i got a bite6 sang out a tiny girl member of a fishing party4 ,but when an older brother hurriedly drew in the line there was only a bare hook4 ,where's the fish8 he asked4 ,he unbit and div1 said the child4 ,the late ,justice ,brewer was with a party of ,new ,york friends on a fishing trip in the ,adirondacks1 and around the camp fire one evening the talk naturally ran on big fish4 ,when it came his turn the jurist began1 uncertain as to how he was going to come out3 ,we were fishing one time on the ,grand ,banks for--er--for-- ,whales1 somebody suggested4 ,no1 said the ,justice1 we were baiting with whales4 ,lo1 ,jim6 ,fishin'8 ,naw2 drowning worms4 ,we may say of angling as ,dr4 ,boteler said of strawberries3 ,doubtless ,god could have made a better berry1 but doubtless ,god never did2 and so 7if ,i might be judge71 ,god never did make a more calm1 quiet1 innocent recreation than angling4--,izaak ,walton4 ,,flats ,hello1 ,tom1 old man1 got your new flat fitted up yet8 ,not quite1 answered the friend4 ,say1 do you know where ,i can buy a folding toothbrush8 ,she hadn't told her mother yet of their first quarrel1 but she took refuge in a flood of tears4 ,before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me1 she sobbed4 ,i know it1 he returned solemnly2 but this confounded flat is so tiny that there's no place to lay anything down4 ,,flattery ,with a sigh she laid down the magazine article upon ,daniel ,o',connell4 ,the day of great men1 she said1 is gone forever4 ,but the day of beautiful women is not1 he responded4 ,she smiled and blushed4 ,i was only joking1 she explained1 hurriedly4 ,,magistrate 7about to commit for trial7--,you certainly effected the robbery in a remarkably ingenious way2 in fact1 with quite exceptional cunning4 ,,prisoner--,now1 yer honor1 no flattery1 please2 no flattery1 ,i begs yer4 ,,old ,,maid--,but why should a great strong man like you be found begging8 ,,wayfarer--,dear lady1 it is the only profession ,i know in which a gentleman can address a beautiful woman without an introduction4 ,william ---- was said to be the ugliest1 though the most lovable1 man in ,louisiana4 ,on returning to the plantation after a short absence1 his brother said3 ,willie1 ,i met in ,new ,orleans a ,mrs4 ,forrester who is a great admirer of yours4 ,she said1 though1 that it wasn't so much the brillancy of your mental attainments as your marvelous physical and facial beauty which charmed and delighted her4 ,edmund1 cried ,william earnestly1 that is a wicked lie1 but tell it to me again6 ,you seem to be an able-bodied man4 ,you ought to be strong enough to work4 ,i know1 mum4 ,and you seem to be beautiful enough to go on the stage1 but evidently you prefer the simple life4 ,after that speech he got a square meal and no reference to the woodpile4 ,o1 that men's ears should be ,to counsel deaf1 but not to flattery6 --,shakespeare4 ,,flies ,see ,pure food4 ,,flirtation ,it sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention4 ,there's a belief that summer girls are always fickle4 ,yes1 ,i got engaged on that theory1 but it looks as if ,i'm in for a wedding or a breach of promise suit4 ,a teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed a striking platonic friendship that existed between ,tommy and little ,mary1 two of her pupils4 ,tommy was a bright enough youngster1 but he wasn't disposed to prosecute his studies with much energy1 and his teacher said that unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted4 ,you must study harder1 she told him1 or you won't pass4 ,how would you like to stay back in this class another year and have little ,mary go ahead of you8 ,ah1 said ,tommy4 ,i guess there'll be other little ,marys4 ,,flowers ,lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers4 ,mama1 ,i know why flowers grow1 she said2 they want to get out of the dirt4 ,,food ,a man went into a southern restaurant not long ago and asked for a piece of old-fashioned ,washington pie4 ,the waiter1 not understanding and yet unwilling to concede his lack of knowledge1 brought the customer a piece of chocolate cake4 ,no1 no1 my friend1 said the smiling man4 ,i meant ,george ,washington1 not ,booker ,washington4 ,one day a pastor was calling upon a dear old lady1 one of the pillars of the church to which they both belonged4 ,as he thought of her long and useful life1 and looked upon her sweet1 placid countenance bearing but few tokens of her ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage1 he was moved to ask her1 ,my dear ,mrs4 ,s41 what has been the chief source of your strength and sustenance during all these years8 ,what has appealed to you as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and body1 and has been to you an unfailing comfort through joy and sorrow8 ,tell me1 that ,i may pass the secret on to others1 and1 if possible1 profit by it myself4 ,the old lady thought a moment1 then lifting her eyes1 dim with age1 yet kindling with sweet memories of the past1 answered briefly1 ,victuals4--,sarah ,l4 ,tenney4 ,a girl reading in a paper that fish was excellent brain-food wrote to the editor3 ,dear ,sir3 ,seeing as you say how fish is good for the brains1 what kind of fish shall ,i eat8 ,to this the editor replied3 ,dear ,miss3 ,judging from the composition of your letter ,i should advise you to eat a whale4 ,a hungry customer seated himself at a table in a quick-lunch restaurant and ordered a chicken pie4 ,when it arrived he raised the lid and sat gazing at the contents intently for a while4 ,finally he called the waiter4 ,look here1 ,sam1 he said1 what did ,i order8 ,chicken pie1 sah4 ,and what have you brought me8 ,chicken pie1 sah4 ,chicken pie1 you black rascal6 the customer replied4 ,chicken pie8 ,why1 there's not a piece of chicken in it1 and never was4 ,dat's right1 boss--dey ain't no chicken in it4 ,then why do you call it chicken pie8 ,i never heard of such a thing4 ,dat's all right1 boss4 ,dey don't have to be no chicken in a chicken pie4 ,dey ain't no dog in a dog biscuit1 is dey8 ,see also ,dining4 ,,football ,his ,,sister--,his nose seems broken4 ,his ,,fiancee--,and he's lost his front teeth4 ,his ,,mother--,but he didn't drop the ball6--,life4 ,,fords ,a boy stood with one foot on the sidewalk and the other on the step of a ,ford automobile4 ,a playmate passed him1 looked at his position1 then sang out3 ,hey1 ,bobbie1 have you lost your other skate8 ,a farmer noticing a man in automobile garb standing in the road and gazing upward1 asked him if he were watching the birds4 ,no1 he answered1 ,i was cranking my ,ford car and my hand slipped off and the thing got away and went straight up in the air4 ,,forecasting ,a lady in a southern town was approached by her colored maid4 ,well1 ,jenny8 she asked1 seeing that something was in the air4 ,please1 ,mis' ,mary1 might ,i have the aft'noon off three weeks frum ,wednesday8 ,then1 noticing an undecided look in her mistress's face1 she added hastily--,i want to go to my finance's fun'ral4 ,goodness me1 answered the lady--,your finance's funeral6 ,why1 you don't know that he's even going to die1 let alone the date of his funeral4 ,that is something we can't any of us be sure about--when we are going to die4 ,yes'm1 said the girl doubtfully4 ,then1 with a triumphant note in her voice--,i'se sure about him1 ,mis'1 'cos he's goin' to be hung6 ,,foresight ,they tell me you're working 'ard night an' day1 ,sarah8 her bosom friend ,ann said4 ,yes1 returned ,sarah4 ,i'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin' the whiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban' of mine1 and the ,magistrate said that if ,i come afore 'im ag'in1 or laid me 'ands on the old man1 he'd fine me forty shillin's6 ,and so you're working 'ard to keep out of mischief8 ,not much2 ,i'm workin' 'ard to save up the fine6 ,mike1 ,i wish ,i knew where ,i was goin' to die4 ,i'd give a thousand dollars to know the place where ,i'm goin' to die4 ,well1 ,pat1 what good would it do if yez knew8 ,lots1 said ,pat4 ,shure ,i'd never go near that place4 ,there once was a pious young priest1 ,who lived almost wholly on yeast2 ,for1 he said1 it is plain ,we must all rise again1 ,and ,i want to get started1 at least4 ,,forgetfulness ,see ,memory4 ,,fortune ,,hunters ,,her ,,father--,so my daughter has consented to become your wife4 ,have you fixed the day of the wedding8 ,,suitor--,i will leave that to my fiance4 ,h4,f4--,will you have a church or a private wedding8 ,s4--,her mother can decide that1 sir4 ,h4,f4--,what have you to live on8 ,s4--,i will leave that entirely to you1 sir4 ,the ,london consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen1 supposed to be living in ,great ,britain1 had been left a large fortune4 ,after advertising without result1 he applied to the police1 and a smart young detective was set to work4 ,a few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on4 ,i've found the lady1 sir4 ,good6 ,where is she8 ,at my place4 ,i married her yesterday4 ,i would die for you1 said the rich suitor4 ,how soon8 asked the practical girl4 ,,he--,i'd like to meet ,miss ,bond4 ,,she--,why8 ,i hear she has thirty thousand a year and no incumbrance4 ,is she looking for one8--,life4 ,,maude--,i've just heard of a case where a man married a girl on his deathbed so she could have his millions when he was gone4 ,could you love a girl like that8 ,,jack--,that's just the kind of a girl ,i could love4 ,what's her address8 ,yes1 said the old man to his young visitor1 ,i am proud of my girls1 and would like to see them comfortably married1 and as ,i have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands4 ,there is ,mary1 twenty-five years old1 and a really good girl4 ,i shall give her #a1jjj when she marries4 ,then comes ,bet1 who won't see thirty-five again1 and ,i shall give her #c1jjj1 and the man who takes ,eliza1 who is forty1 will have #e1jjj with her4 ,the young man reflected for a moment and then inquired3 ,you haven't one about fifty1 have you8 ,,fountain ,,pens ,fust time you've ever milked a cow1 is it8 said ,uncle ,josh to his visiting nephew4 ,wal1 y' do it a durn sight better'n most city fellers do4 ,it seems to come natural somehow1 said the youth1 flushing with pleasure4 ,i've had a good deal of practice with a fountain pen4 ,percy asks if we know anything which will change the color of the fingers when they have become yellow from cigarette smoking4 ,he might try using one of the inferior makes of fountain pens4 ,,fourth ,,of ,,july ,you are in favor of a safe and sane ,fourth of ,july8 ,yes1 replied ,mr4 ,growcher4 ,we ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year4 ,one ,fourth of ,july night in ,london1 the ,empire ,music ,hall advertised special attractions to ,american visitors4 ,all over the auditorium the ,union ,jack and ,stars and ,stripes enfolded one another1 and at the interludes were heard ,yankee ,doodle and ,hail ,columbia1 while a quartette sang ,down upon the ,swanee ,river4 ,it was an occasion to swell the heart of an exiled patriot4 ,finally came the turn of the ,human ,encyclopedia1 who advanced to the front of the stage and announced himself ready to answer1 sight unseen1 all questions the audience might propound4 ,a volley of queries was fired at him1 and the ,encyclopedia breathlessly told the distance of the earth from ,mars1 the number of bones in the human skeleton1 of square miles in the ,british ,empire1 and other equally important facts4 ,there was a brief pause1 in which an ,american stood up4 ,what great event took place ,july #d1 #aggf8 he propounded in a loud glad voice4 ,the ,human ,encyclopedia glared at him4 ,th' hincident you speak of1 sir1 was a hinfamous houtrage6 ,,freaks ,see ,husbands4 ,,free ,,thought ,,tommy--,pop1 what is a freethinker8 ,,pop--,a freethinker1 my son1 is any man who isn't married4 ,,french ,,language ,i understand you speak ,french like a native4 ,no1 replied the student2 ,i've got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine4 ,but it's hard to learn the gestures4 ,in ,paris last summer a southern girl was heard to drawl between the acts of ,chantecler3 ,i think it's mo' fun when you don't understand ,french4 ,it sounds mo' like chickens6--,life4 ,,freshmen ,see ,college ,students4 ,,friends ,the ,lord gives our relatives1 ,thank ,god we can choose our friends4 ,father4 ,well1 what is it8 ,it says here1 ',a man is known by the company he keeps4' ,is that so1 ,father8 ,yes1 yes1 yes4 ,well1 ,father1 if a good man keeps company with a bad man1 is the good man bad because he keeps company with the bad man1 and is the bad man good because he keeps company with the good man8--,punch4 ,here's champagne to our real friends4 ,and real pain to our sham friends4 ,it's better to make friends fast ,than to make fast friends4 ,some friends are a habit--some a luxury4 ,a friend is one who overlooks your virtues and appreciates your faults4 ,,friends1 ,,society ,,of ,a visitor to ,philadelphia1 unfamiliar with the garb of the ,society of ,friends1 was much interested in two demure and placid ,quakeresses who took seats directly behind her in the ,broad ,street ,station4 ,after a few minutes' silence she was somewhat startled to hear a gentle voice inquire3 ,sister ,kate1 will thee go to the counter and have a milk punch on me8--,carolina ,lockhart4 ,,friendship ,friendly may we part and quickly meet again4 ,there's fellowship ,in every sip ,of friendship's brew4 ,may we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship4 ,here's to the four hinges of ,friendship-- ,swearing1 ,lying1 ,stealing and ,drinking4 ,when you swear1 swear by your country2 ,when you lie1 lie for a pretty woman1 ,when you steal1 steal away from bad company ,and when you drink1 drink with me4 ,the trouble with having friends is the upkeep4 ,brown volunteered to lend me money4 ,did you take it8 ,no4 ,that sort of friendship is too good to lose4 ,i let my house furnished1 and they've had measles there4 ,of course we've had the place disinfected2 so ,i suppose it's quite safe4 ,what do you think8 ,i fancy it would be all right1 dear2 but ,i think1 perhaps1 it would be safer to lend it to a friend first4--,punch4 ,hoo is it1 ,jeemes1 that you mak' sic an enairmous profit aff yer potatoes8 ,yer price is lower than ony ither in the toon and ye mak' extra reductions for yer freends4 ,weel1 ye see1 ,i knock aff twa shillin's a ton beacuse a customer is a freend o' mine1 an' then ,i jist tak' twa hundert-weight aff the ton because ,i'm a freend o' his4--,punch4 ,the conductor of a western freight train saw a tramp stealing a ride on one of the forward cars4 ,he told the brakeman in the caboose to go up and put the man off at the next stop4 ,when the brakeman approached the tramp1 the latter waved a big revolver and told him to keep away4 ,did you get rid of him8 the conductor asked the brakeman1 when the train was under motion again4 ,i hadn't the heart1 was the reply4 ,he turned out to be an old school friend of mine4 ,i'll take care of him1 said the conductor1 as he started over the tops of the cars4 ,after the train had made another stop and gone on1 the brakeman came into the caboose and said to the conductor3 ,well1 is he off8 ,no2 he turned out to be an old school friend of mine1 too4 ,if a man does not make new acquaintances1 as he advances through life1 he will soon find himself left alone4 ,a man1 ,sir1 should keep his friendship in constant repair4--,samuel ,johnson4 ,they say1 and ,i am glad they say1 ,it is so2 and it may be so2 ,it may be just the other way1 ,i cannot tell1 but this ,i know-- ,from quiet homes and first beginnings ,out to the undiscovered ends ,there's nothing worth the wear of winning ,save laughter and the love of friends4 --,hilaire ,belloc4 ,,fun ,fun is like life insurance1 th' older you git th' more it costs4--,abe ,martin4 ,see also ,amusements4 ,,funerals ,there was an old man in a hearse1 ,who murmured1 ,this might have been worse2 ,of course the expense ,is simply immense1 ,but it doesn't come out of my purse4 ,,furniture ,,guest--,that's a beautiful rug4 ,may ,i ask how much it cost you8 ,,host--,five hundred dollars4 ,a hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match4 ,,future ,,life ,a certain young man's friends thought he was dead1 but he was only in a state of coma4 ,when1 in ample time to avoid being buried1 he showed signs of life1 he was asked how it seemed to be dead4 ,dead8 he exclaimed4 ,i wasn't dead4 ,i knew all that was going on4 ,and ,i knew ,i wasn't dead1 too1 because my feet were cold and ,i was hungry4 ,but how did that fact make you think you were still alive8 asked one of the curious4 ,well1 this way2 ,i knew that if ,i were in heaven ,i wouldn't be hungry4 ,and if ,i was in the other place my feet wouldn't be cold4 ,,father 7impressively7--,suppose ,i should be taken away suddenly1 what would become of you1 my boy8 ,,irreverent ,,son--,i'd stay here4 ,the question is1 ,what would become of you8 ,look here1 now1 ,harold1 said a father to his little son1 who was naughty1 if you don't say your prayers you won't go to ,heaven4 ,i don't want to go to ,heaven1 sobbed the boy2 ,i want to go with you and mother4 ,on a voyage across the ocean an ,irishman died and was about to be buried at sea4 ,his friend ,mike was the chief mourner at the burial service1 at the conclusion of which those in charge wrapped the body in canvas preparatory to dropping it overboard4 ,it is customary to place heavy shot with a body to insure its immediate sinking1 but in this instance1 nothing else being available1 a large lump of coal was substituted4 ,mike's cup of sorrow overflowed his eyes1 and he tearfully exclaimed1 ,oh1 ,pat1 ,i knew you'd never get to heaven1 but1 begorry1 ,i didn't think you'd have to furnish your own fuel4 ,an ,irishman told a man that he had fallen so low in this life that in the next he would have to climb up hill to get into hell4 ,when ,p4,t4 ,barnum was at the head of his great moral show1 it was his rule to send complimentary tickets to clergymen1 and the custom is continued to this day4 ,not long ago1 after the ,reverend ,doctor ,walker succeeded to the pastorate of the ,reverend ,doctor ,hawks1 in ,hartford1 there came to the parsonage1 addressed to ,doctor ,hawks1 tickets for the circus1 with the compliments of the famous showman4 ,doctor ,walker studied the tickets for a moment1 and then remarked3 ,doctor ,hawks is dead and ,mr4 ,barnum is dead2 evidently they haven't met4 ,archbishop ,ryan once attended a dinner given him by the citizens of ,philadelphia and a brilliant company of men was present4 ,among others were the president of the ,pennsylvania ,railroad2 ex-,attorney-,general ,mac,veagh1 counsel for the road1 and other prominent railroad men4 ,mr4 ,mac,veagh1 in talking to the guest of the evening1 said3 ,your ,grace1 among others you see here a great many railroad men4 ,there is a peculiarity of railroad men that even on social occasions you will find that they always take their lawyer with them4 ,that is why ,i am here4 ,they never go anywhere without their counsel4 ,now they have nearly everything that men want1 but ,i have a suggestion to make to you for an exchange with us4 ,we can give free passes on all the railroads of the country4 ,now if you would only give us--say a free pass to ,paradise by way of exchange4 ,ah1 no1 said ,his ,grace1 with a merry twinkle in his eye1 that would never do4 ,i would not like to separate them from their counsel4 ,,gardening ,th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'4--,abe ,martin4 ,i am going to start a garden1 announced ,mr4 ,subbubs4 ,a few months from now ,i won't be kicking about your prices4 ,no1 said the grocer2 you'll be wondering how ,i can afford to sell vegetables so cheap4 ,,gas ,,stoves ,a ,georgia woman who moved to ,philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years4 ,she sent for old mammy1 and the servant arrived in due season4 ,it so happened that the ,georgia woman had to leave town the very day mammy arrived4 ,before departing she had just time to explain to mammy the modern conveniences with which her apartment was furnished4 ,the gas stove was the contrivance which interested the colored woman most4 ,after the mistress of the household had lighted the oven1 the broiler1 and the other burners and felt certain the old servant understood its operations1 the mistress hurried for her train4 ,she was absent for two weeks and one of her first questions to mammy was how she had worried along4 ,de fines' ever1 was the reply4 ,and dat air gas stove--,o my6 ,why do you know1 ,miss ,flo'ence1 dat fire aint gone out yit4 ,,generosity ,this is a foine country1 ,bridget6 exclaimed ,norah1 who had but recently arrived in the ,united ,states4 ,sure1 it's generous everybody is4 ,i asked at the post-office about sindin' money to me mither1 and the young man tells me ,i can get a money order for #aj for #aj cents4 ,think of that now6 ,at one of these reunions of the ,blue and the ,gray so happily common of late1 a northern veteran1 who had lost both arms and both legs in the service1 caused himself to be posted in a conspicuous place to receive alms4 ,the response to his appeal was generous and his cup rapidly filled4 ,nobody gave him more than a dime1 however1 except a grizzled warrior of the lost cause1 who plumped in a dollar4 ,and not content1 he presently came that way again and plumped in another dollar4 ,the cripple's gratitude did not quite extinguish his curiosity4 ,why1 he inquired1 do you1 who fought on the other side1 give me so much more than any of those who were my comrades in arms8 ,the old rebel smiled grimly4 ,because1 he replied1 you're the first ,yank ,i ever saw trimmed up just to suit me4 ,at dinner one day1 it was noticed that a small daughter of the minister was putting aside all the choice pieces of chicken and her father asked her why she did that4 ,she explained that she was saving them for her dog4 ,her father told her there were plenty of bones the dog could have so she consented to eat the dainty bits4 ,later she collected the bones and took them to the dog saying1 ,i meant to give a free will offering but it is only a collection4 ,a little newsboy with a cigarette in his mouth entered a notion store and asked for a match4 ,we only sell matches1 said the storekeeper4 ,how much are they8 asked the future citizen4 ,penny a box1 was the answer4 ,gimme a box1 said the boy4 ,he took one match1 lit the cigarette1 and handed the box back over the counter1 saying1 ,here1 take it and put it on de shelf1 and when anodder sport comes and asks for a match1 give him one on me4 ,little ,ralph belonged to a family of five4 ,one morning he came into the house carrying five stones which he brought to his mother1 saying3 ,look1 mother1 here are tombstones for each one of us4 ,the mother1 counting them1 said3 ,here is one for father1 dear6 ,here is one for mother6 ,here is brother's6 ,here is the baby's2 but there is none for ,delia1 the maid4 ,ralph was lost in thought for a moment1 then cheerfully cried3 ,oh1 well1 never mind1 mother2 ,delia can have mine1 and ,i'll live6 ,she was making the usual female search for her purse when the conductor came to collect the fares4 ,her companion meditated silently for a moment1 then1 addressing the other1 said3 ,let us divide this ,mabel2 you fumble and ,i'll pay4 ,,gentlemen ,sadie1 what is a gentleman8 ,please1 ma'am1 she answered1 a gentleman's a man you don't know very well4 ,two characters in ,jeffery ,farnol's ,amateur ,gentleman give these definitions of a gentleman3 ,a gentleman is a fellow who goes to a university1 but doesn't have to learn anything2 who goes out into the world1 but doesn't have to work at anything2 and who has never been black-balled at any of the clubs4 ,a gentleman is 7,i take it7 one born with the ,god-like capacity to think and feel for others1 irrespective of their rank or condition4444 ,one who possesses an ideal so lofty1 a mind so delicate1 that it lifts him above all things ignoble and base1 yet strengthens his hands to raise those who are fallen--no matter how low4 ,,germans ,the poet ,heine and ,baron ,james ,rothschild were close friends4 ,at the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent1 when usually so gay and full of witty remarks4 ,quite right1 responded ,heine1 but to-night ,i have exchanged views with my ,german friends and my head is fearfully empty4 ,,ghosts ,i confess1 that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me1 ,sir ,william ,henry ,perkin1 the inventor of coal-tar dyes1 told some friends in ,new ,york recently4 ,personally1 in the course of a fairly long career1 ,i have heard at first hand but one ghost story4 ,its hero was a man whom ,i may as well call ,snooks4 ,snooks1 visiting at a country house1 was put in the haunted chamber for the night4 ,he said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness1 but nevertheless1 just as a matter of precaution1 he took to bed with him a revolver of the latest ,american pattern4 ,he slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two1 when he awoke with an unpleasant feeling of oppression4 ,he raised his head and peered about him4 ,the room was wanly illumined by the full moon1 and in that weird1 bluish light he thought he discerned a small1 white hand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed4 ',who's there8' he asked tremulously4 ,there was no reply4 ,the small white hand did not move4 ',who's there8' he repeated4 ',answer me or ,i'll shoot4' ,again there was no reply4 ,snooks cautiously raised himself1 took careful aim and fired4 ,from that night on he's limped4 ,shot off two of his own toes4 ,,gifts ,when ,lawrence ,barrett's daughter was married ,stuart ,robson sent a check for #ejjj to the bridegroom4 ,the comedian's daughter1 ,felicia ,robson1 who attended the wedding conveyed the gift4 ,felicia1 said her father upon her return1 did you give him the check8 ,yes1 ,father1 answered the daughter4 ,what did he say8 asked ,robson4 ,he didn't say anything1 replied ,miss ,felicia1 but he shed tears4 ,how long did he cry8 ,why ,father1 ,i didn't time him4 ,i should say1 however1 that he wept fully a minute4 ,fully a minute1 mused ,robson4 ,why1 ,daughter1 ,i cried an hour after ,i signed it4 ,a church house in a certain rural district was sadly in need of repairs4 ,the official board had called a meeting of the parishioners to see what could be done toward raising the necessary funds4 ,one of the wealthiest and stingiest of the adherents of that church arose and said that he would give five dollars1 and sat down4 ,just then a bit of plastering fell from the ceiling and hit him squarely upon the head4 ,whereupon he jumped up1 looked confused and said3 ,i--er--,i meant ,i'll give fifty dollars6 then again resumed his seat4 ,after a brief silence a voice was heard to say3 ,o ,lord1 hit 'im again6 ,he gives twice who gives quickly because the collectors come around later on and hit him for another subscription4--,puck4 ,presents1 ,i often say1 endear ,absents4--,charles ,lamb4 ,in giving1 a man receives more than he gives1 and the more is in proportion to the worth of the thing given4--,george ,mac,donald4 ,see also ,christmas gifts4 ,,gluttony ,a clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince pie4 ,a brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die4 ,no1 the sick man replied1 ,but ,i should be ashamed to die from eating too much4 ,there was a young person named ,ned1 ,who dined before going to bed1 ,on lobster and ham ,and salad and jam1 ,and when he awoke he was dead4 ,,golf ,two ,scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour4 ,as they were parting to go supperward ,sandy said to ,jock3 ,jock1 mon1 ,i'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'4 ,the morrn'8 ,jock repeated4 ,aye1 mon1 the morrn'1 said ,sandy4 ,i'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'4 ,aye1 weel1 said ,jock1 ,i'll go ye4 ,but ,i had intended to get marriet in the morrn'4 ,,golfer 7unsteadied by ,christmas luncheon7 to ,opponent-- ,sir1 ,i wish you clearly to understand that ,i resent your unwarrant--your interference with my game1 sir6 ,tilt the green once more1 sir1 and ,i chuck the match4 ,doctor ,william ,s4 ,rainsford is an inveterate golf player4 ,when he was rector of ,st4 ,george's ,church1 in ,new ,york ,city1 he was badly beaten on the links by one of his vestrymen4 ,to console the clergyman the vestryman ventured to say3 ,never mind1 ,doctor1 you'll get satisfaction some day when ,i pass away4 ,then you'll read the burial service over me4 ,i don't see any satisfaction in that1 answered the clergy-man1 for you'll still be in the hole4 ,,sunday ,,school ,,teacher--,willie1 do you know what beomes of boys who use bad language when they're playing marbles8 ,,willie--,yes1 miss4 ,they grow up and play golf4 ,the game of golf1 as every humorist knows1 is conducive to profanity4 ,it is also a terrible strain on veracity1 every man being his own umpire4 ,four men were playing golf on a course where the hazard on the ninth hole was a deep ravine4 ,they drove off4 ,three went into the ravine and one managed to get his ball over4 ,the three who had dropped into the ravine walked up to have a look4 ,two of them decided not to try to play their balls out and gave up the hole4 ,the third said he would go down and play out his ball4 ,he disappeared into the deep crevasse4 ,presently his ball came bobbing out and after a time he climbed up4 ,how many strokes8 asked one of his opponents4 ,three4 ,but ,i heard six4 ,three of them were echoes6 ,when ,mark ,twain came to ,washington to try to get a decent copyright law passed1 a representative took him out to ,chevy ,chase4 ,mark ,twain refused to play golf himself1 but he consented to walk over the course and watch the representative's strokes4 ,the representative was rather a duffer4 ,teeing off1 he sent clouds of earth flying in all directions4 ,then1 to hide his confusion he said to his guest3 ,what do you think of our links here1 ,mr4 ,clemens8 ,best ,i ever tasted1 said ,mark ,twain1 as he wiped the dirt from his lips with his handkerchief4 ,,good ,,fellowship ,a glass is good1 a lass is good1 ,and a pipe to smoke in cold weather1 ,the world is good and the people are good1 ,and we're all good fellows together4 ,may good humor preside when good fellows meet1 ,and reason prescribe when'tis time to retreat4 ,here's to us that are here1 to you that are there1 and the rest of us everywhere4 ,here's to all the world1-- ,for fear some darn fool may take offence4 ,,gossip ,a gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation4--,dick ,dickinson4 ,gossips are the spies of life4 ,however did you reconcile ,adele and ,mary8 ,i gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other4 ,the seven-year-old daughter of a prominent suburban resident is1 the neighbors say1 a precocious youngster2 at all events1 she knows the ways of the world4 ,her mother had occasion to punish her one day last week for a particularly mischievous prank1 and after she had talked it over very solemnly sent the little girl up to her room4 ,an hour later the mother went upstairs4 ,the child was sitting complacently on the window seat1 looking out at the other children4 ,well1 little girl1 the mother began1 did you tell ,god all about how naughty you'd been8 ,the youngster shook her head1 emphatically4 ,guess ,i didn't1 she gurgled2 why1 it'd be all over heaven in no time4 ,get a gossip wound up and she will run somebody down4--,life4 ,papa1 mamma says that one-half the world doesn't know how the other half lives4 ,well1 she shouldn't blame herself1 dear1 it isn't her fault4 ,it is only national history that repeats itself4 ,your private history is repeated by the neighbors4 ,you're a terrible scandal-monger1 ,linkum1 said ,jorrocks4 ,why in thunder don't you make it a rule to tell only half what you hear8 ,that's what ,i do do1 said ,linkum4 ,only ,i tell the spicy half4 ,what1 asked the ,sunday-school teacher1 is meant by bearing false witness against one's neighbor8 ,it's telling falsehoods about them1 said the one small maid4 ,partly right and partly wrong1 said the teacher4 ,i know1 said another little girl1 holding her hand high in the air4 ,it's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about it4--,h4,r4 ,bennett4 ,,maud--,that story you told about ,alice isn't worth repeating4 ,,kate--,it's young yet2 give it time4 ,,son--,why do people say ',dame ,gossip'8 ,,father--,because they are too polite to leave off the 'e4' ,i cannot tell how the truth may be2 ,i say the tale as 'twas said to me4 ,never tell evil of a man1 if you do not know it for a certainty1 and if you do know it for a certainty1 then ask yourself1 ,why should ,i tell it8--,lavater4 ,,government ,,ownership ,don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government8 ,i might if ,i didn't know who controlled the government4--,life4 ,,governors ,the governor of a western state was dining with the family of a ,representative in ,congress from that state1 and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family1 aged ten4 ,she gazed at the ,governor solemnly throughout the repast4 ,finally the youngster asked1 ,are you really and truly a governor8 ,yes1 replied the great man laughingly2 ,i really and truly am4 ,i've always wanted to see a governor1 continued the child1 for ,i've heard ,daddy speak of 'em4 ,well1 rejoined the ,governor1 now that you have seen one1 are you satisfied8 ,no1 sir1 answered the youngster1 without the slightest impertinence1 but with an air of great conviction1 no1 sir2 ,i'm disappointed4 ,,graft ,what is meant by graft8 said the inquiring foreigner4 ,graft1 said the resident of a great city1 is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money1 and the remainder to explain how they got it4 ,,lady--,i guess you're gettin' a good thing out o' tending the rich ,smith boy1 ain't ye1 doctor8 ,,doctor--,well1 yes2 ,i get a pretty good fee4 ,why8 ,,lady--,well1 ,i hope you won't forget that my ,willie threw the brick that hit 'im6 ,every man has his price1 but some hold bargain sales4--,satire4 ,the ,democrats had a clear working majority in ----1 ,illinois1 for a number of years4 ,but when the ,fifteenth ,amendment went into effect it enfranchised so many of the culled bredren as to make it apparent to the party leaders that unless a good many black votes could be bought up1 the ,republicans would carry the city election4 ,accordingly advances were made to the ,rev4 ,brother ----1 whose influence it was thought desirable to secure1 inasmuch as he was certain to control the votes of his entire church4 ,he was found open to conviction1 and arrangements progressed satisfactorily until it was asked how much money would be necessary to secure his vote and influence4 ,with an air of offended dignity1 ,brother ---- replied3 ,now1 gemmen1 as a regular awdained minister ob de ,baptist ,church dis ting has gone jes as far as my conscience will 'low2 but1 gemmen1 my son will call round to see you in de mornin'4 ,a well-known ,new ,york contractor went into the tailor's1 donned his new suit1 and left his old one for repairs4 ,then he sought a caf and refreshed the inner man2 but as he reached in his pocket for the money to settle his check1 he realized that he had neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit4 ,as he hesitated1 somewhat embarrassed1 he saw a bill on the floor at his feet4 ,seizing it thankfully1 he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check and money4 ,that was a two dollar bill1 he explained when he counted his change4 ,i know it1 said the cashier1 with a toss of her blond head4 ,i'm dividing with you4 ,i saw it first4 ,,gratitude ,after ,o',connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer1 the thief1 in the ecstasy of his gratitude1 cried out1 ,och1 counsellor1 ,i've no way here to thank your honor2 but ,i wish't ,i saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't ,i bring a faction to the rescue8 ,some people are never satisfied4 ,for example1 the prisoner who complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read4 ,nutt'n but continued stories1 he grumbled4 ,an ,i'm to be hung next ,tuesday4 ,it was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the ,united ,society of ,lady ,vegetarians4 ,they were comfortably seated1 and waiting for the kettle to boil1 when1 horror of horrors6 a savage bull appeared on the scene4 ,immediately a wild rush was made for safety1 while the raging creature pounded after one lady who1 unfortunately1 had a red parasol4 ,by great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her4 ,then1 regaining her breath1 she turned round4 ,oh1 you ungrateful creature6 she exclaimed4 ,here have ,i been a vegetarian all my life4 ,there's gratitude for you6 ,miss ,,passay--,you have saved my life1 young man4 ,how can ,i repay you8 ,how can ,i show my gratitude8 ,are you married8 ,,young ,,man--,yes2 come and be a cook for us4 ,,great ,,britain ,one of the stories told by ,mr4 ,spencer ,leigh ,hughes in his speech in the ,house of ,commons one night tickled everybody4 ,it is the story of the small boy who was watching the ,speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby4 ,first came the ,speaker1 and then the chaplain1 and next the other officers4 ,who1 father1 is that gentleman8 said the small boy1 pointing to the chaplain4 ,that1 my son1 said the father1 is the chaplain of the ,house4 ,does he pray for the members8 asked the small boy4 ,the father thought a minute and then said3 ,no1 my son2 when he goes into the ,house he looks around and sees the members sitting there and then he prays for the country4--,cardiff ,mail4 ,there is a lad in ,boston1 the son of a well-known writer of history1 who has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of ,british empire-building4 ,at any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness of ,british occupation4 ,it was he who handed in the following essay on the making of a ,british colony3 ,africa is a ,british colony4 ,i will tell you how ,england does it4 ,first she gets a missionary2 when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country1 he gets all his people round him and says3 ',let us pray1' and when all the eyes are shut1 up goes the ,british flag4 ,,grief ,jim1 who worked in a garage1 had just declined ,mr4 ,smith's invitation to ride in his new car4 ,what's the matter1 ,jim8 asked ,mr4 ,smith4 ,are you sick8 ,no1 sah1 he replied4 ,tain't that--,i done los' #e1 sah1 an' ,i jes' nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve4 ,,guarantees ,,traveler 7on an ,english train7--,shall ,i have time to get a drink8 ,,guard--,yes1 sir4 ,,traveler--,can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start8 ,,guard--,yes1 ,i'll take one with you6 ,,guests ,look here1 ,dinah1 said ,binks1 as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast1 is this the freshest egg you can find8 ,naw1 suh1 replied ,dinah4 ,we done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin'1 suh1 but de bishop's comin' down hyar in ,august1 suh1 and we's savin' all de fresh aigs for him1 suh4 ,here's a health to thee and thine ,from the hearts of me and mine2 ,and when thee and thine ,come to see me and mine1 ,may me and mine make thee and thine ,as welcome as thee and thine ,have ever made me and mine4 ,,habit ,among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher1 a young timid girl1 was one ,tommy1 who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher4 ,send him to me any time when you want him spanked1 suggested the latter2 ,i can manage him4 ,one morning1 about a week after this conversation1 ,tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door4 ,she dropped her work1 seized him by the arm1 dragged him to the dressing-room1 turned him over her knee and did her duty4 ,when she had finished she said3 ,well1 ,tommy1 what have you to say8 ,please1 ,miss1 my teacher wants the scissors4 ,in reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate4 ,what's the charge ag'in this man8 he inquired when the first case was called4 ,drunk1 yer honor1 said the policeman4 ,the newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant4 ,guilty1 or not guilty8 he demanded4 ,sure1 sir1 faltered the accused1 ,i never drink a drop4 ,have a cigar1 then1 urged his honor persuasively1 as he absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief4 ,we had a fine sunrise this morning1 said one ,new ,yorker to another4 ,did you see it8 ,sunrise8 said the second man4 ,why1 ,i'm always in bed before sunrise4 ,a traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early train4 ,he wanted a smoke1 but none of the stores were open4 ,near the station he saw a newsboy smoking1 and approached him with3 ,say1 son1 got another cigarette8 ,no1 sir1 said the boy1 but ,i've got the makings4 ,all right1 the traveling man said4 ,but ,i can't roll 'em very well4 ,will you fix one for me8 ,the boy did4 ,don't believe ,i've got a match1 said the man1 after a search through his pockets4 ,the boy handed him a match4 ,say1 ,captain1 he said you ain't got anything but the habit1 have you8 ,habit with him was all the test of truth2 ,it must be right3 ,i've done it from my youth4 --,crabbe4 ,,hades ,see ,future life4 ,,happiness ,lord ,tankerville1 in ,new ,york1 said of the international school question3 ,the subject of the ,american versus the ,english school has been too much discussed4 ,the good got from a school depends1 after all1 on the schoolboy chiefly1 and ,i'm afraid the average schoolboy is well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said3 ',dear parents--,we are having a good time now at school4 ,george ,jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed4 ,we went skating and the ice broke and all got wet4 ,willie ,brown was drowned4 ,most of the boys here are down with influenza4 ,the gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib1 but he can work a little4 ,the aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor1 and we are all black and blue4 ,i broke my front tooth playing football4 ,we are very happy4' ,mankind are always happier for having been happy2 so that if you make them happy now1 you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it4--,sydney ,smith4 ,,harnessing ,the story is told of two ,trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago4 ,upon reaching their destination1 the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two4 ,when they were ready to go home1 a difficulty at once presented itself1 inasmuch as neither of the ,trentonians knew how to reharness the horse4 ,every effort in this direction met with dire failure1 and the worst problem was properly to adjust the bit4 ,the horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again4 ,finally one of the friends1 in great disgust1 sat down in the road4 ,there's only one thing we can do1 ,bill1 said he4 ,what's that8 asked ,bill4 ,wait for the foolish beast to yawn6 ,,harvard ,,university ,well1 ,i'll tell you this1 said the college man1 ,wellesley is a match factory4 ,that's quite true1 assented the girl4 ,at ,wellesley we make the heads1 but we get the sticks from ,harvard4--,c4 ,stratton4 ,,hash ,george1 said the ,titian-haired school marm1 is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom8 ,yeth1 ma'am1 answered ,george promptly4 ,hash4 ,,haste ,the ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man--hot1 excited1 laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size4 ,he sprinted down the pier1 his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier4 ,he paused but an instant on the string-piece1 and then1 cheered on by the amused crowd1 he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck4 ,a fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck1 and they both went down with a resounding crash4 ,when the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man4 ,i hope ,i didn't hurt you1 he said4 ,i am sorry4 ,but1 anyway ,i caught the boat6 ,but you idiot1 said the fat man1 the boat was coming in6 ,,health ,,resorts ,where've you been1 ,murray8 ,to a health resort4 ,finest place ,i ever struck4 ,it was simply great4 ,then why did you come away8 ,oh1 ,i got sick and had to come home4 ,are you going back8 ,you bet4 ,just as soon as ,i get well enough4 ,,hearing ,the ,ladies' ,aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting1 between a man and his wife4 ,they must have been to the ,zoo1 said ,mrs4 ,a41 because ,i heard her mention 'a trained deer4' ,goodness me6 laughed ,mrs4 ,b4 ,what queer hearing you must have6 ,they were talking about going away1 and she said1 ',find out about the train1 dear4' ,well did anybody ever8 exclaimed ,mrs4 ,c4 ,i am sure they were talking about musicians1 for she said 'a trained ear1' as distinctly as could be4 ,the discussion began to warm up1 and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared4 ,they carried their case to her promptly1 and asked for a settlement4 ,well1 well1 you do beat all6 she exclaimed1 after hearing each one4 ,i'd been out to the country overnight1 and was asking my husband if it rained here last night4 ,after which the three disputants retired1 abashed and in silence4--,w4,j4 ,lampton4 ,,heaven ,tom1 said an ,indiana youngster who was digging in the yard1 don't you make that hole any deeper1 or you'll come to gas4 ,well1 what if ,i do8 ,it won't hurt4 ,yes1 't will too4 ,if it spouts out1 we'll be blown clear up to heaven4 ,shucks1 that would be fun6 ,you an' me would be the only live ones up there4--,i4,c4 ,curtis4 ,see also ,future life4 ,,heirlooms ,,he 7wondering if his rival has been accepted7--,are both your rings heirlooms8 ,,she 7concealing the hand7--,oh1 dear1 yes4 ,one has been in the family since the time of ,alfred1 but the other is newer--7blushing7--it only dates from the conquest4 ,my grandfather was a captain of industry4 ,well8 ,he left no sword1 but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books4 ,,hell ,see ,future life4 ,,heredity ,papa1 what does hereditary mean8 ,something which descends from father to son4 ,is a spanking hereditary8 ,william had just returned from college1 resplendent in peg-top trousers1 silk hosiery1 a fancy waistcoat1 and a necktie that spoke for itself4 ,he entered the library where his father was reading4 ,the old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son4 ,the longer he looked1 the more disgusted he became4 ,son1 he finally blurted out1 you look like a d--- fool6 ,later1 the old ,major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy heartily4 ,william1 he said with undisguised admiration1 you look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back from school6 ,yes1 replied ,william1 with a smile1 so ,father was just telling me4 ,there seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken4 ,i wonder why8 said ,jones4 ,naturally enough1 replied ,brown4 ,one is descended from ,ham and the other from eggs4 ,so you have adopted a baby to raise8 we ask of our friend4 ,well1 it may turn out all right1 but don't you think you are taking chances8 ,not a chance1 he answers4 ,no matter how many bad habits the child may develop1 my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house4 ,see also ,ancestry4 ,,heroes ,,the ,,passer-,,by--,you took a great risk in rescuing that boy2 you deserve a ,carnegie medal4 ,what prompted you to do it8 ,,the ,,hero--,he had my skates on6--,puck4 ,,mr4 ,,henpeck--,are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence8 ,,mr4 ,,scraper--,i reckon ,i am4 ,,mr4 ,,henpeck--,shake6 ,you're a hero4 ,each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody4--,emerson4,,high ,,cost ,,of ,,living ,see ,cost of living4 ,,hinting ,little ,james1 while at a neighbor's1 was given a piece of bread and butter1 and politely said1 ,thank you4 ,that's right1 ,james1 said the lady4 ,i like to hear little boys say 'thank you4' ,well1 rejoined ,james1 ,if you want to hear me say it again1 you might put some jam on it4 ,,home ,home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners4 ,who hath not met with home-made bread1 ,a heavy compound of putty and lead-- ,and home-made wines that rack the head1 ,and home-made liquors and waters8 ,home-made pop that will not foam1 ,and home-made dishes that drive one from home-- 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,home-made by the homely daughters4 --,hood4 ,,homeliness ,see ,beauty1 ,personal4 ,,homesteads ,malachi1 said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer1 you know all about this law4 ,tell me what ,i am to do4 ,well1 said the other1 ,i don't remember the exact wording of the law1 but ,i can give you the meaning of it4 ,it's this3 ,the government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to death4--,fenimore ,martin4 ,,honesty ,he's an honest young man said the saloon keeper1 with an approving smile4 ,he sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill4 ,,visitor--,and you always did your daring robberies single-handed8 ,why didn't you have a pal8 ,,prisoner--,well1 sir1 ,i wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest4 ,ex-,district ,attorney ,jerome1 at a dinner in ,new ,york1 told a story about honesty4 ,there was a man1 he said1 who applied for a position in a dry-goods house4 ,his appearance wasn't prepossessing1 and references were demanded4 ,after some hesitation1 he gave the name of a driver in the firm's employ4 ,this driver1 he thought1 would vouch for him4 ,a clerk sought out the driver1 and asked him if the applicant was honest4 ',honest8' the driver said4 ',why1 his honesty's been proved again and again4 ,to my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was acquitted4' ,how is it1 ,mr4 ,brown1 said a miller to a farmer1 that when ,i came to measure those ten barrels of apples ,i bought from you1 ,i found them nearly two barrels short8 ,singular1 very singular2 for ,i sent them to you in ten of your own flour-barrels4 ,ahem6 ,did1 eh8 said the miller4 ,well1 perhaps ,i made a mistake4 ,let's imbibe4 ,the stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot4 ,this game ain't on the level1 protested ,sagebush ,sam1 at the same time producing a gun to lend force to his accusation4 ,that ain't the hand ,i dealt ye6 ,a dumpy little woman with solemn eyes1 holding by the hand two dumpy little boys1 came to the box-office of a theater4 ,handing in a quarter1 she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money4 ,those boys must have tickets if you take them in1 said the clerk4 ,oh1 no1 mister1 she said4 ,i never pay for them4 ,i never can spare more than a quarter1 and ,i just love a show4 ,we won't cheat you any1 mister1 for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a seat1 and don't see a single bit of it4 ,the argument convinced the ticket man1 and he allowed the two children to pass in4 ,toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller4 ,what's this8 demanded the latter4 ,i don't know1 said the usher4 ,a little chunk of a woman beckoned me clear across the house1 and said one of her kids had waked up and was looking at the show1 and that ,i should bring you that quarter4 ,,honor ,in the smoking compartment of a ,pullman1 there were six men smoking and reading4 ,all of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried3 ,all tickets1 please6 ,then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet1 scanned the faces of the others and said1 slowly and impressively3 ,gentlemen1 ,i trust to your honor4 ,and he dived under the seat and remained there in a small1 silent knot till the conductor was safely gone4 ,titles of honour add not to his worth1 ,who is himself an honour to his titles4 --,john ,ford4 ,,hope ,,fred--,my dear ,dora1 let this thought console you for your lover's death4 ,remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way4 ,,bereaved ,,one--,they haven't all gone1 have they8--,puck4 ,,horses ,a city man1 visiting a small country town1 boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses1 and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill4 ,this he proffered to the driver4 ,the latter took it1 looked it over for a moment or so1 and then asked3 ,which horse do you want8 ,a traveler in ,indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his horse4 ,it would start1 go slowly for a short distance1 and then stop again4 ,thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it started4 ,finally the traveler approached and asked1 solicitously3 ,is your horse sick8 ,not as ,i knows of4 ,is he balky8 ,no4 ,but he is so danged 'fraid ,i'll say whoa and he won't hear me1 that he stops every once in a while to listen4 ,a ,german farmer was in search of a horse4 ,i've got just the horse for you1 said the liveryman4 ,he's five years old1 sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping4 ,the ,german threw his hands skyward4 ,not for me1 he said1 not for me4 ,i live eight miles from town1 und mit dot horse ,i haf to valk back two miles4 ,there's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh4 ,the grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver4 ,he drove one of his master's worst nags a little too hard one day1 and the animal fell ill and died4 ,you've killed my horse1 curse you6 the grocer said to the boy the next morning4 ,i'm sorry1 boss1 the lad faltered4 ,sorry be durned6 shouted the grocer4 ,who's going to pay me for my horse8 ,i'll make it all right1 boss1 said the boy soothingly4 ,you can take it out of my next ,saturday's wages4 ,before ,abraham ,lincoln became ,president he was called out of town on important law business4 ,as he had a long distance to travel he hired a horse from a livery stable4 ,when a few days later he returned he took the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him3 ,keep this horse for funerals8 ,no1 indeed1 answered the man indignantly4 ,glad to hear it1 said ,lincoln2 because if you did the corpse wouldn't get there in time for the resurrection4 ,,hospitality ,night was approaching and it was raining hard4 ,the traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling4 ,no one came to the door4 ,as he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his collar4 ,he rapped again4 ,still no answer4 ,he could feel the stream of water coursing down his back4 ,another spell of pounding1 and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window4 ,watcher want8 it asked4 ,i want to know if ,i can stay here over night1 the traveler answered testily4 ,the red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering4 ,ye kin fer all of me1 he finally answered1 and then closed the window4 ,the old friends had had three days together4 ,you have a pretty place here1 ,john1 remarked the guest on the morning of his departure4 ,but it looks a bit bare yet4 ,oh1 that's because the trees are so young1 answered the host comfortably4 ,i hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come again4 ,a youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud to him when a caller came4 ,in a few minutes his mother was called to the telephone4 ,the boy turned to the caller and said ,now you beat it home4 ,ollie ,james1 the famous ,kentucky ,congressman and raconteur1 hails from a little town in the western part of the state1 but his patriotism is state-wide1 and when ,louisville made a bid for the last ,democratic national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than ,james4 ,a ,denver supporter was protesting4 ,why1 you know1 ,colonel1 said he1 ,louisville couldn't take care of the crowds4 ,even by putting cots in the halls1 parlors1 and the dining-rooms of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough4 ,beds6 echoed the genial ,congressman1 why1 sir1 ,louisville would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would think of going to bed6 ,,hosts ,i thank you for your welcome which was cordial1 ,and your cordial which was welcome4 ,here's to the host and the hostess1 ,we're honored to be here tonight2 ,may they both live long and prosper1 ,may their star of hope ever be bright4 ,,hotels ,in a ,montana hotel there is a notice which reads3 ,boarders taken by the day1 week or month4 ,those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck4--,country ,life4 ,,hunger ,a man was telling about an exciting experience in ,russia4 ,his sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves4 ,he arose and shot the foremost one1 and the others stopped to devour it4 ,but they soon caught up with him1 and he shot another1 which was in turn devoured4 ,this was repeated until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning jaws1 when-- ,say1 partner1 broke in one of the listeners1 according to your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside of him4 ,well1 come to think it over1 said the story teller1 maybe he wasn't so darned famished after all4 ,,hunting ,a gentleman from ,london was invited to go for a day's snipe-shooting in the country4 ,the invitation was accepted1 and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game4 ,after a time a solitary snipe rose1 and promptly fell to the visitor's first barrell4 ,the host's face fell also4 ,we may as well return1 he remarked1 gloomily1 for that was the only snipe in the neighborhood4 ,the bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks4 ,,hurry ,see ,haste4 ,,husbands ,is she making him a good wife8 ,well1 not exactly2 but she's making him a good husband4 ,a husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town1 but unfortunately they quarreled1 and the exhibits were equally divided between them4 ,the wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at the old address1 but the husband went on a tour4 ,after some years' wandering the prodigal returned1 and a reconciliation took place1 as the result of which they became business partners once more4 ,a few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers3 ,by the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently increased4 ,an eminent ,german scientist who recently visited this country with a number of his colleagues was dining at an ,american house and telling how much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit4 ,how did you like our railroad trains8 his host asked him4 ,ach1 dhey are woonderful1 the ,german gentleman replied2 so swift1 so safe chenerally--und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und opp'indmends4 ,all is excellent excebt one thing--our wives do not like dhe upper berths4 ,a couple of old grouches at the ,metropolitan ,club in ,washington were one night speaking of an old friend who1 upon his marriage1 took up his residence in another city4 ,one of the grouches had recently visited the old friend1 and1 naturally1 the other grouch wanted news of the ,benedict4 ,is it true that he is henpecked8 asked the second grouch4 ,i wouldn't say just that1 grimly responded the first grouch1 but ,i'll tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my observation4 ,the very first morning ,i spent with them1 our old friend answered the letter carrier's whistle4 ,as he returned to us1 in the breakfast room1 he carried a letter in his hand4 ,turning to his wife1 he said3 ',a letter for me1 dear4 ,may ,i open it8'--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,your husband says he leads a dog's life1 said one woman4 ,yes1 it's very similar1 answered the other4 ,he comes in with muddy feet1 makes himself comfortable by the fire1 and waits to be fed4 ,,neighbor--,i s'pose your ,bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now8 ,,long-,,suffering ,,widow--,not 'im4 ',ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's nearer 'is mark6 ,you say you are your wife's third husband8 said one man to another during a talk4 ,no1 ,i am her fourth husband1 was the reply4 ,heavens1 man6 said the first man2 you are not a husband--you're a habit4 ,,mr4 ,,henpeck--,is my wife going out1 ,jane8 ,,jane--,yessir4 ,,mr4 ,,henpeck--,do you know if ,i am going with her8 ,a happily married woman1 who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock1 and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children1 had an amusing old colored woman for a cook4 ,one day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the mistress1 the cook happened to be present1 and she said3 ,yo' husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits1 ,missy8 ,certainly1 my husband1 ,mammy1 proudly answered the lady4 ,glory6 exclaimed the cook1 he suttenly am holdin' out well4 ,an absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his wife1 in the office4 ,as a result1 the signature read3 ,your loving husband1 ,,hopkins ,,bros4 ,winifred ,c4 ,bristol4 ,mrs4 ,mc,kinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate4 ,the widow1 rather late in life1 married again4 ,how are you getting on8 ,mrs4 ,mc,kinley asked her a few months after her marriage4 ,fine1 thank yo'1 ma'am1 the bride answered4 ,and is your husband a good provider8 ',deed he am a good providah1 ma'am1 was the enthusiastic reply4 ,why1 jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at4 ,i suffer so from insomnia ,i don't know what to do4 ,oh1 my dear1 if you could only talk to my husband awhile4 ,did ,hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man8 ,exactly like one4 ,he blamed it all on his wife4--,judge4 ,a popular society woman announced a ,white ,elephant ,party4 ,every guest was to bring something that she could not find any use for1 and yet too good to throw away4 ,the party would have been a great success but for the unlooked-for development which broke it up4 ,eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands4 ,a very man--not one of nature's clods-- ,with human failings1 whether saint or sinner3 ,endowed perhaps with genius from the gods ,but apt to take his temper from his dinner4 --,j4 ,g4 ,saxe4 ,a woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella like a reversed saber4 ,an attendant warned her that she might put out the eye of the man behind her4 ,well1 he's my husband6 she snapped4 ,,old ,,money 7dying7--,i'm afraid ,i've been a brute to you sometimes1 dear4 ,,young ,,wife--,oh1 never mind that darling2 ,i'll always remember how very kind you were when you left me4 ,an inveterate poker player1 whose wife always complained of his late hours1 stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed3 ,i slipped off my shoes at the front steps1 pulled off my clothes in the hall1 slipped into the bedroom1 and began to slip into bed with the ease of experience4 ,my wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in the bed with us4 ,so when ,i began to slide under the covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head4 ',get down1 ,fido1 get down6' she said4 ,and1 gentlemen1 ,i just did have presence of mind enough to lick her hand1 and she dozed off again6 ,,mr4 ,,homebody--,i see you keep copies of all the letters you write to your wife4 ,do you do it to avoid repeating yourself8 ,,mr4 ,,faraway--,no4 ,to avoid contradicting myself4 ,there is gladness in his gladness1 when he's glad1 ,there is sadness in his sadness1 when he's sad2 ,but the gladness in his gladness1 ,nor the sadness in his sadness1 ,isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad4 ,see also ,cowards2 ,domestic finance4 ,,hybridization ,we used to think that the smartest man ever born was the ,connecticut ,yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles4 ,now we rank that gentleman second4 ,first place goes to an experimenter attached to the ,berlin ,war ,office1 who has crossed carrier pigeons with parrots1 so that ,wilhelmstrasse can now get verbal messages through the enemy's lines4--,warwick ,james ,price4 ,,hyperbole ,speakin' of fertile soil1 said the ,kansan1 when the others had had their say1 ,i never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country4 ,the first season ,i planted 'em ,i thought my fortune was sure made4 ,however1 ,i didn't harvest one4 ,he waited for queries1 but his friends knew him1 and he was forced to continue unurged3 ,the vines growed so fast that they wore out the melons draggin' 'em 'round4 ,however1 the second year my two little boys made up their minds to get a taste of one anyhow1 so they took turns1 carryin' one along with the vine and-- ,but his companions had already started toward the barroom door4 ,news comes from ,southern ,kansas that a boy climbed a cornstalk to see how the sky and clouds looked and now the stalk is growing faster than the boy can climb down4 ,the boy is clear out of sight4 ,three men have taken the contract for cutting down the stalk with axes to save the boy a horrible death by starving1 but the stalk grows so rapidly that they can't hit twice in the same place4 ,the boy is living on green corn alone and has already thrown down over four bushels of cobs4 ,even if the corn holds out there is still danger that the boy will reach a height where he will be frozen to death4 ,there is some talk of attempting his rescue with a balloon4--,topeka ,capital4 ,,hypocrisy ,hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness4 ,,teacher-,now1 ,tommy1 what is a hypocrite8 ,,tommy-,a boy that comes to school with a smile on his face4--,graham ,charteris4 ,,ideals ,the fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little ,johnny4 ,at last he was seized with an inspiration4 ,johnny's father1 upon going to the fowl-run one morning1 was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams1 with this injunction chalked above it3 ,keep your eye on this and do your best4 ,,illusions ,,and ,,hallucinations ,a doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum1 slapped him on the back1 and said3 ,well1 old man1 you're all right4 ,you can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new4 ,the patient went off gayly to write his letter4 ,he had it finished and sealed1 but when he was licking the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the floor1 lighted on the back of a cockroach that was passing1 and stuck4 ,the patient hadn't seen the cockroach--what he did see was his escaped postage stamp zig-zagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard1 wavering up over the baseboard1 and following a crooked track up the wall and across the ceiling4 ,in depressed silence he tore up the letter he had just written and dropped the pieces on the floor4 ,two weeks6 ,hell6 he said4 ,i won't be out of here in three years4 ,,imagination ,one day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages4 ,i am older than you1 he said1 'cause my birthday comes first1 in ,may1 and your's don't come till ,september4 ,of course your birthday comes first1 she sneeringly retorted1 but that is 'cause you came down first4 ,i remember looking at the angels when they were making you4 ,the mother instantly summoned her daughter4 ,it's breaking mother's heart to hear you tell such awful stories1 she said4 ,don't you remember what happened to ,ananias and ,sapphira8 ,oh1 yes1 mamma1 ,i know2 they were struck dead for lying4 ,i saw them carried into the corner drug store6 ,,imitation ,not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of ,as ,you ,like ,it near ,boston4 ,the garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice4 ,one afternoon1 during a pause in the rehearsal1 a voice from the building exclaimed with the utmost gravity3 ,i prithee1 malapert1 pass me yon brick4 ,,infants ,a wife after the divorce1 said to her husband3 ,i am willing to let you have the baby half the time4 ,good6 said he1 rubbing his hands4 ,splendid6 ,yes1 she resumed1 you may have him nights4 ,is the baby strong8 ,well1 rather6 ,you know what a tremendous voice he has8 ,yes4 ,well1 he lifts that five or six times an hour6--,comic ,cuts4 ,recipe for a baby3 ,clean and dress a wriggle1 add a pint of nearly milk1 ,smother with a pillow any sneeze2 ,baste with talcum powder and mark upon its back-- ,don't forget that you were one of these4 --,life4 ,,inquisitiveness ,see ,wives4 ,,insanity ,see ,editors2 ,love4 ,,inspirations ,she was from ,boston1 and he was not4 ,he had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing1 and their books1 of which he knew less4 ,presently the maiden asked archly3 ,of course1 you've read ',romeo and ,juliet8' ,he floundered helplessly for a moment and then1 having a brilliant thought1 blurted out1 happily3 ,i've--,i've read ,romeo6 ,,instalment ,,plan ,half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on4 ,,instructions ,a lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the ,pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps4 ,he stopped at the door1 puffed for a moment1 and then turned to the young man in uniform4 ,porter1 he said4 ,i'm going to ,st4 ,louis1 to the ,fair4 ,i want to be well taken care of4 ,i pay for it4 ,do you understand8 ,yes1 sir1 but-- ,never mind any 'buts4' ,you listen to what ,i say4 ,keep the train boys away from me4 ,dust me off whenever ,i want you to4 ,give me an extra blanket1 and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into another4 ,i want you to-- ,but1 say1 boss1 ,i-- ,young man1 when ,i'm giving instructions ,i prefer to do the talking myself4 ,you do as ,i say4 ,here is a two-dollar bill4 ,i want to get the good of it4 ,not a word1 sir4 ,the train was starting4 ,the porter pocketed the bill with a grin and swung himself to the ground4 ,all right1 boss6 he shouted4 ,you can do the talking if you want to4 ,i'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell you--but ,i ain't going out on that train4 ,,insurance1 ,,life ,a man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day4 ,do you cycle8 the insurance agent asked4 ,no1 said the man4 ,do you motor8 ,no4 ,do you1 then1 perhaps1 fly8 ,no1 no1 said the applicant1 laughing2 ,i have no dangerous-- ,but the agent interrupted him curtly4 ,sorry1 sir1 he said1 but we no longer insure pedestrians4 ,,insurance ,,blanks ,see ,irish bulls4 ,,insurgents ,and what1 asked a visitor to the ,north ,dakota ,state ,fair1 do you call that kind of cucumber8 ,that1 replied a ,fargo politician1 is the ,insurgent cucumber4 ,it doesn't always agree with a party4 ,,interviews ,haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change8 ,no1 replied ,senator ,soghum4 ,but your views1 as you expressed them some time ago8 ,those were not my views4 ,those were my interviews4 ,,invitations ,recently1 says a ,richmond man1 ,i received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ4 ,i am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple4 ,the invitation ran as follows3 ,you are invited to the marriage of ,mr4 ,henry ,clay ,barker and ,miss ,josephine ,mortimer ,dixon at the house of the bride's mother4 ,all who cannot come may send4--,howard ,morse4 ,one day a ,chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street4 ,come and dine with us tonight1 the mandarin said graciously4 ,thank you1 said the poor relation4 ,but wouldn't tomorrow night do just as well8 ,yes1 certainly4 ,but where are you dining tonight8 asked the mandarin curiously4 ,at your house4 ,you see1 your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight's invitation4 ,,marion 7just from the telephone7--,he wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him1 and ,i said we would4 ,,madeline--,who was speaking8 ,,marion--,oh1 gracious6 ,i forgot to ask4 ,little ,willie wanted a birthday party1 to which his mother consented1 provided he ask his little friend ,tommy4 ,the boys had had trouble1 but1 rather than not have the party1 ,willie promised his mother to invite ,tommy4 ,on the evening of the party1 when all the small guests had arrived except ,tommy1 the mother became suspicious and sought her son4 ,willie1 she said1 did you invite ,tommy to your party tonight8 ,yes1 ,mother4 ,and did he say he would not come8 ,no1 explained ,willie4 ,i invited him all right1 but ,i dared him to come4 ,,irish ,,bulls ,two ,irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics4 ,one was new at the business1 and1 turning to his companion1 asked him the meaning of the command ,halt6 ,why1 said ,mike1 when he says ',halt1' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av the foot that's in the air1 an' remain motionless4 ,dear teacher1 wrote little ,johnny's mother1 kindly excuse ,john's absence from school yesterday afternoon1 as he fell in the mud4 ,by doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother4 ,an ,irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather freely4 ,the mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup1 when the ,irishman excitedly remarked3 ,well1 begorra1 if you're goin' to git on ,i'll git off4 ,the doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope1 but if 'e don't1 the doctor says 'e give 'im up4 ,for rent--,a room for a gentleman with all conveniences4 ,a servant of an ,english nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him3 ,jane died last night1 and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her funeral expenses4 ,a pretty school teacher1 noticing one of her little charges idle1 said sharply3 ,john1 the devil always finds something for idle hands to do4 ,come up here and let me give you some work4 ,a college professor1 noted for strict discipline1 entered the classroom one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle and chewing gum4 ,mary1 exclaimed the indignant professor1 take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in4 ,,magistrate--,you admit you stole the pig8 ,,prisoner--,i 'ave to4 ,,magistrate--,very well1 then4 ,there has been a lot of pig-stealing going on lately1 and ,i am going to make an example of you1 or none of us will be safe4--,m4,l4 ,hayward4 ,in choosing his men1 said the ,sabbath-school superintendent1 ,gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink2 but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other4--,joe ,king4 ,if you want to put that song over you must sing louder4 ,i'm singing as loud as ,i can4 ,what more can ,i do8 ,be more enthusiastic4 ,open your mouth1 and throw yourself into it4 ,a little old ,irishman was trying to see the ,hudson-,fulton procession from ,grant's ,tomb4 ,he stood up on a bench1 but was jerked down by a policeman4 ,then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from that vantage point1 climbed the railing of ,li ,hung ,chang's gingko-tree4 ,pulled off that1 he remarked3 ,ye can't look at annything frum where ye can see it frum4 ,,mrs4 ,,jenkins--,mrs4 ,smith1 we shall be neighbors now4 ,i have bought a house next you1 with a water frontage4 ,,mrs4 ,,smith--,so glad6 ,i hope you will drop in some time4 ,in the hall of a ,philharmonic society the following notice was posted3 ,the seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies4 ,gentlemen are requested to make use of them only after the former are seated4 ,sir ,boyle ,roche is credited with saying that no man can be in two places at the same time1 barring he is a bird4 ,a certain high-school professor1 who at times is rather blunt in speech1 remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson4 ,i don't know why it is--every time ,i get up to speak1 some fool talks4 ,then he wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter4--,grub ,s4 ,arts4 ,once1 at a criminal court1 a young chap from ,connemara was being tried for an agrarian murder4 ,needless to say1 he had the gallery on his side1 and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping1 not loudly1 but like muffled drums4 ,a big policeman came up to the gallery1 scowled at the disturbers then1 when that had no effect1 called out in a stage whisper3 ,wud ye howld yer tongues there6 ,howld yer tongues wid yer feet6 ,the ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are often more amusing than enlightening1 as ,the ,british ,medical ,journal shows in the following excellent selection of examples3 ,mother died in infancy4 ,father went to bed feeling well1 and the next morning woke up dead4 ,grandmother died suddenly at the age of #ajc4 ,up to this time she bade fair to reach a ripe old age4 ,applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity1 except that they died at an advanced age4 ,applicant does not know cause of mother's death1 but states that she fully recovered from her last illness4 ,applicant has never been fatally sick4 ,applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child4 ,mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism1 but she was cured before death4 ,,irishmen ,a ,peoria merchant deals in ,irish confetti4 ,we take it that he runs a brick-yard4--,chicago ,tribune4 ,here are some words1 concerning the ,hibernian spoken by a ,new ,england preacher1 ,nathaniel ,ward1 in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spark of humor struck from flint4 ,these ,irish1 anciently called ',anthropophagi1' man-eaters1 have a tradition among them that when the devil showed ,our ,savior all the kingdoms of the earth and their glory1 he would not show ,him ,ireland1 but reserved it for himself2 it is probably true1 for he hath kept it ever since for his own peculiar4 ,an ,irishman once lined up his family of seven giant-like sons and invited his caller to take a look at them4 ,ain't they fine boys8 inquired the father4 ,they are1 agreed the visitor4 ,the finest in the world6 exclaimed the father4 ,an' ,i nivver laid violent hands on any one of 'em except in silf-difince4--,popular ,magazine4 ,see also ,fighting2 ,irish bulls4 ,,irreverence ,there were three young women of ,birmingham1 ,and ,i know a sad story concerning 'em3 ,they stuck needles and pins ,in the reverend shins ,of the ,bishop engaged in confirming 'em4 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,a few years ago ,henry ,james reviewed a new novel by ,gertrude ,atherton4 ,after reading the review ,mrs4 ,atherton wrote to ,mr4 ,james as follows3 ,dear ,mr4 ,james3 ,i have read with much pleasure your review of my novel4 ,will you kindly let me know whether you liked it or not8 ,sincerely1 ,,gertrude ,,atherton4 ,,jewels ,the girl with the ruby lips we like1 ,the lass with teeth of pearl1 ,the maid with the eyes like diamonds1 ,the cheek-like-coral girl2 ,the girl with the alabaster brow1 ,the lass from the ,emerald ,isle4 ,all these we like1 but not the jade ,with the sardonyx smile4 ,,jews ,what is the difference between a banana and a ,jew8 ,you can skin the banana4 ,he was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a ,yankee1 and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily ,jew who occupied the other half of the car seat with him4 ,the little ,jew looked at him deprecatingly4 ,nice day1 he began politely4 ,you're a ,jew1 ain't you8 queried the ,yankee4 ,yes1 sir1 ,i'm a clothing salesman1 handing him a card4 ,but you're a ,jew8 ,yes1 yes1 ,i'm a ,jew1 came the answer4 ,well1 continued the ,yankee1 ,i'm a ,yankee1 and in the little village in ,maine where ,i come from ,i'm proud to say there ain't a ,jew4 ,dot's why it's a village1 replied the little ,jew quietly4 ,the men were arguing as to who was the greatest inventor4 ,one said ,stephenson1 who invented the locomotive4 ,another declared it was the man who invented the compass4 ,another contended for ,edison4 ,still another for the ,wrights1 ,finally one of them turned to a little man who had remained silent3 ,who do you think8 ,vell1 he said1 with a hopeful smile1 the man who invented interest was no slouch4 ,levinsky1 despairing of his life1 made an appointment with a famous specialist4 ,he was surprised to find fifteen or twenty people in the waiting-room4 ,after a few minutes he leaned over to a gentleman near him and whispered1 ,say1 mine frient1 this must be a pretty goot doctor1 ain't he8 ,one of the best1 the gentleman told him4 ,levinsky seemed to be worrying over something4 ,vell1 say1 he whispered again1 he must be pretty exbensive1 then1 ain't he8 ,vat does he charge8 ,the stranger was annoyed by ,levinsky's questions and answered rather shortly3 ,fifty dollars for the first consultation and twenty-five dollars for each visit thereafter4 ,mine ,gott6 gasped ,levinsky--,fifty tollars the first time und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards6 ,for several minutes he seemed undecided whether to go or to wait4 ,und twenty-five tollars each time afterwards1 he kept muttering4 ,finally1 just as he was called into the office1 he was seized with a brilliant inspiration4 ,he rushed toward the doctor with outstretched hands4 ,hello1 doctor1 he said effusively4 ,vell1 here ,i am again4 ,the ,jews are among the aristocracy of every land2 if a literature is called rich in the possession of a few classic tragedies what shall we say to a national tragedy lasting for fifteen hundred years1 in which the poets and the actors were also the heroes4--,george ,eliot4 ,see also ,failures2 ,fires4 ,,jokes ,a nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked1 and different in that the joke can be cracked again4--,william ,j4 ,burtscher4 ,,jokely--,i got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week4 ,,boggs--,what luck did you have with them8 ,,jokely--,oh1 they all came flying back4--,will ,s4 ,gidley4 ,i ne'er forget a joke ,i have ,once heard6 ,augustus cried4 ,and neither do you let your friends ,forget it6 ,jane replied4 --,childe ,harold4 ,a negro bricklayer in ,macon1 ,georgia1 was lying down during the noon hour1 sleeping in the hot sun4 ,the clock struck one1 the time to pick up his hod again4 ,he rose1 stretched1 and grumbled3 ,i wish ,i wuz daid4 ',tain' nothin' but wuk1 wuk from mawnin' tell night4 ,another negro1 a story above1 heard the complaint and dropped a brick on the grumbler's head4 ,dazed he looked up and said3 ,de ,lawd can' stan' no jokes4 ,he jes' takes ev'ything in yearnist4 ,the late ,h4,c4 ,bunner1 when editor of ,puck1 once received a letter accompanying a number of would-be jokes in which the writer asked3 ,what will you give me for these8 ,ten yards start1 was ,bunner's generous offer1 written beneath the query4 ,,new ,,congressman--,what can ,i do for you1 sir8 ,,salesman 7of ,statesmen's ,anecdote ,manufacturing ,company7--,i shall be delighted if you'll place an order for a dozen of real1 live1 snappy1 humorous anecdotes as told by yourself1 sir4 ,jokes were first imported to this country several hundred years ago from ,egypt1 ,babylon and ,assyria1 and have since then grown and multiplied4 ,they are in extensive use in all parts of the country and as an antidote for thought are indispensable at all dinner parties4 ,there were originally twenty-five jokes1 but when this country was formed they added a constitution1 which increased the number to twenty-six4 ,these jokes have married and inter-married among themselves and their children travel from press to press4 ,frequently in one week a joke will travel from ,new ,york to ,san ,francisco4 ,the joke is no respecter of persons4 ,shameless and unconcerned1 he tells the story of his life over and over again4 ,outside of the ballot-box he is the greatest repeater that we have4 ,jokes are of three kinds--plain1 illustrated and pointless4 ,frequently they are all three4 ,no joke is without honor1 except in its own country4 ,jokes form one of our staples and employ an army of workers who toil night and day to turn out the often neatly finished product4 ,the importation of jokes while considerable is not as great as it might be1 as the flavor is lost in transit4 ,jokes are used in the household as an antiseptic4 ,as scenebreakers they have no equal4--,life4 ,here's to the joke1 the good old joke1 ,the joke that our fathers told2 ,it is ready tonight and is jolly and bright ,as it was in the days of old4 ,when ,adam was young it was on his tongue1 ,and ,noah got in the swim ,by telling the jest as the brightest and best ,that ever happened to him4 ,so here's to the joke1 the good old joke-- ,we'll hear it again tonight4 ,it's health we will quaff2 that will help us to laugh1 ,and to treat it in manner polite4 --,lew ,dockstader4 ,a jest's prosperity lies in the ear ,of him that hears it1 never in the tongue ,of him that makes it4 --,shakespeare4 ,,journalism ,a ,louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy4 ,turning to the old black nurse1 ,aunty1 said he1 stroking the little pate1 this boy seems to have a journalistic head4 ,oh1 cried the untutored old aunty1 soothingly1 never you mind 'bout dat2 dat'll come right in time4 ,john ,r4 ,mc,lean1 owner of the ,cincinnati ,enquirer and the ,washington ,post1 tells this story of the days when he was actively in charge of the ,cincinnati newspaper3 ,an ,enquirer reporter was sent to a town in southwestern ,ohio to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about4 ,the reporter attended one of her meetings and occupied a front seat4 ,when those who wished to be saved were asked to arise1 he kept his seat and used his notebook4 ,the evangelist approached1 and1 taking him by the hand1 said1 ,come to ,jesus4 ,madam1 said the newspaper man1 ,i'm here solely on business--to report your work4 ,brother1 said she1 there is no business so important as ,god's4 ,well1 may be not1 said the reporter2 but you don't know ,john ,r4 ,mc,lean4 ,a newspaper man named ,fling ,could make copy from any old thing4 ,but the copy he wrote ,of a five dollar note ,was so good he is now in ,sing ,sing4 --,columbia ,jester4 ,come in1 called the magazine editor4 ,sir1 ,i have called to see about that article of mine that you bought two years ago4 ,my name is ,pensnink--,percival ,perrhyn ,pensnink4 ,my composition was called ',the ,behavior of ,chipmunks in ,thunderstorms1' and ,i should like to know how much longer ,i must watch and wait before ,i shall see it in print4 ,i remember1 the editor replied4 ,we are saving your little essay to use at the time of your death4 ,when public attention is drawn to an author we like to have something of his on hand4 ,hear1 land o' cakes1 and brither ,scots1 ,frae ,maidenkirk to ,johnny ,groat's2 ,if there's a hole in a' your coats1 ,i rede you tent it3 ,a chiel's amang you taking notes1 ,and1 faith1 he'll prent it4 --,burns4 ,see also ,newspapers4 ,,judges ,a judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only ,irish4 ,an interpreter was accordingly sworn4 ,the prisoner said something to the interpreter4 ,what does he say8 demanded his lordship4 ,nothing1 my lord1 was the reply4 ,how dare you say that when we all heard him8 ,come on1 sir1 what was it8 ,my lord1 said the interpreter beginning to tremble1 it had nothing to do with the case4 ,if you don't answer ,i'll commit you1 sir6 roared the judge4 ,now1 what did he say8 ,well1 my lord1 you'll excuse me1 but he said1 ',who's that old woman with the red bed curtain round her1 sitting up there8 ,at which the court roared4 ,and what did you say8 asked the judge1 looking a little uncomfortable4 ,i said3 ',whist1 ye spalpeen6 ,that's the ould boy that's going to hang you4 ,a gentleman of color who was brought before a police judge1 on a charge of stealing chickens1 pleaded guilty4 ,after sentencing him1 the judge asked how he had managed to steal the chickens when the coop was so near the owner's house and there was a vicious dog in the yard4 ,hit wouldn't be of no use1 ,judge1 answered the darky1 to try to 'splain dis yer thing to yo' 't all4 ,ef yo' was to try it1 like as not yo' would get yer hide full o' shot1 an' get no chicken1 nuther4 ,ef yo' wants to engage in any rascality1 ,judge1 yo' better stick to de bench whar yo' am familiar4--,mrs4 ,l4,f4 ,clarke4 ,four things belong to a judge3 to hear courteously1 to answer wisely1 to consider soberly1 and to decide impartially4--,socrates4 ,,judgment ,,husband--,but you must admit that men have better judgment than women4 ,,wife--,oh1 yes--you married me1 and ,i you4--,life4 ,,jury ,in the south of ,ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say1 ,gentlemen of the jury1 take your proper places1 and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock4 ,there was recently haled into an ,alabama court a little ,irishman to whom the thing was a new experience4 ,he was1 however1 unabashed1 and wore an air of a man determined not to get the worst of it4 ,prisoner at the bar1 called out the clerk1 do you wish to challenge any of the jury8 ,the ,celt looked the men in the box over very carefully4 ,well1 ,i tell ye1 he finally replied1 ,oi'm not exactly in trainin'1 but ,oi think ,oi could pull off a round or two with thot fat old boy in th' corner4 ,,justice ,there are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side4 ,what1 ,tommy1 in the jam again1 and you whipped for it only an hour ago6 ,yes'm1 but ,i heard you tell ,auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard1 so ,i thought ,i'd just even up4 ,one man's word is no man's word1 ,justice is that both be heard4 ,he who decides a case without hearing the other side1 though he decide justly cannot be considered just4--,seneca4 ,,juvenile ,,delinquency ,a woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store4 ,a policeman found it there1 apparently abandoned1 and wheeled it to the station4 ,as he passed down the street a gamin yelled3 ,what's the kid done8 ,,kentucky ,kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws4 ,,kindness ,kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home4--,abe ,martin4 ,an old couple came in from the country1 with a big basket of lunch1 to see the circus4 ,the lunch was heavy4 ,the old wife was carrying it4 ,as they crossed a street1 the husband held out his hand and said1 ,gimme that basket1 ,hannah4 ,the poor old woman surrendered the basket with a grateful look4 ,that's real kind o' ye1 ,joshua1 she quavered4 ,kind6 grunted the old man4 ,i wuz afeared ye'd git lost4 ,a fat woman entered a crowded street car and seizing a strap1 stood directly in front of a man seated in the corner4 ,as the car started she lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes4 ,as soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat4 ,you are very kind1 sir1 she said1 panting for breath4 ,not at all1 madam1 he replied2 it's not kindness2 it's simply self-defense4 ,,kings ,,and ,,rulers ,i think1 said the heir apparent1 that ,i will add music and dancing to my accomplishments4 ,aren't they rather light8 ,they may seem so to you1 but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and ,i have to go into vaudeville4 ,the present ,king ,george in his younger days visited ,canada in company with the ,duke of ,clarence4 ,one night at a ball in ,quebec1 given in honor of the two royalties1 the younger ,prince devoted his time exclusively to the young ladies1 paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and chaperons4 ,his brother reprimanded him1 pointing out to him his social position and his duty as well4 ,that's all right1 said the young ,prince4 ,there are two of us4 ,you go and sing ,god save your ,grandmother1 while ,i dance with the girls4 ,and so we sing1 ,long live the ,king2 ,long live the ,queen and ,jack2 ,long live the ,ten-spot and the ,ace1 ,and also all the pack4 --,eugene ,field4 ,,first ,,european ,,society ,,lady--,wouldn't you like to be presented to our sovereign8 ,,second ,e4,s4,l4--,no4 ,simply because ,i have to be governed by a man is no reason why ,i should condescend to meet him socially4 ,one afternoon ,kaiser ,wilhelm caustically reproved old ,general ,von ,meerscheidt for some small lapses4 ,if your ,majesty thinks that ,i am too old for the service please permit me to resign1 said the ,general4 ,no2 you are too young to resign1 said the ,kaiser4 ,in the evening of that same day1 at a court ball1 the ,kaiser saw the old ,general talking to some young ladies1 and he said3 ,general1 take a young wife1 then your excitable temperament will vanish4 ,excuse me1 your ,majesty1 replied the ,general4 ,it would kill me to have both a young wife and a young ,emperor4 ,during the war of #ahab1 a dinner was given in ,canada1 at which both ,american and ,british officers were present4 ,one of the latter offered the toast3 ,to ,president ,madison1 dead or alive6 ,an ,american offered the response3 ,to the ,prince ,regent1 drunk or sober6--,mrs4 ,gouverneur4 ,a lady of ,queen ,victoria's court once asked her if she did not think that one of the satisfactions of the future life would be the meeting with the notable figures of the past1 such as ,abraham1 ,isaac and ,king ,david4 ,after a moment's silence1 with perfect dignity and decision the great ,queen made answer3 ,i will not meet ,david6 ,ten poor men sleep in peace on one straw heap1 as ,saadi sings1 ,but the immensest empire is too narrow for two kings4 --,william ,r4 ,alger4 ,here lies our sovereign lord1 the king1 ,whose word no man relies on1 ,who never said a foolish thing1 ,and never did a wise one4 ,said by a courtier of ,charles1 ,,ii4 ,to which the ,king replied1 ,that is very true1 for my words are my own4 ,my actions are my minister's4 ,,kisses ,here's to a kiss3 ,give me a kiss1 and to that kiss add a score1 ,then to that twenty add a hundred more2 ,a thousand to that hundred1 and so kiss on1 ,to make that thousand quite a million1 ,treble that million1 and when that is done ,let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun4 ,if ,i should kiss you ,i suppose you'd go and tell your mother4 ,no2 my lawyer4 ,what is he so angry with you for8 ,i haven't the slightest idea4 ,we met in the street1 and we were talking just as friendly as could be1 when all of a sudden he flared up and tried to kick me4 ,and what were you talking about8 ,oh1 just ordinary small talk4 ,i remember he said1 ',i always kiss my wife three or four times every day4' ,and what did you say8 ,i said1 ',i know at least a dozen men who do the same1' and then he had a fit4 ,there was an old maiden from ,fife1 ,who had never been kissed in her life2 ,along came a cat2 ,and she said1 ,i'll kiss that6 ,but the cat answered1 ,not on your life6 ,here's to the red of the holly berry1 ,and to its leaf so green2 ,and here's to the lips that are just as red1 ,and the fellow who's not so green4 ,there was a young sailor of ,lyd1 ,who loved a fair ,japanese kid2 ,when it came to good-bye1 ,they were eager but shy1 ,so they put up a sunshade and--did4 ,there once was a maiden of ,siam1 ,who said to her lover1 young ,kiam1 ,if you kiss me1 of course ,you will have to use force1 ,but ,god knows you're stronger than ,i am4 ,lord6 ,i wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing4--,swift4 ,see also ,courtship2 ,servants4 ,,knowledge ,a physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog4 ,the doctor pulled up and said3 ,my dear man1 how do you manage to train your dog that way8 ,i can't teach mine a single trick4 ,the man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied3 ,well1 you see1 it's this way2 you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn him nothin'4 ,with knowledge and love the world is made4--,anatole ,france4 ,,kultur ,,herr ,,hammerschlegel 7winding up the argument7--,i think you iss a stupid fool6 ,,monsieur--,and ,i sink you a polite gentleman2 but possible1 is it1 we both mistaken4--,life4 ,,labor ,,and ,,laboring ,,classes ,a farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked ,si ,warren1 who was accounted the town fool1 if he could help him out4 ,what'll ye pay8 asked ,si4 ,i'll pay you what you're worth1 answered the farmer4 ,si scratched his head a minute1 then answered decisively3 ,i'll be durned if ,i'll work for that6 ,,ladies ,see ,etiquet2 ,woman4 ,,landlords ,an ,english tourist was sightseeing in ,ireland and the guide had pointed out the ,devil's ,gap1 the ,devil's ,peak1 and the ,devil's ,leap to him4 ,pat1 he said1 the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district6 ,he has1 sir1 replied the guide1 but1 sure1 he's like all the landlords--he lives in ,england6 ,,languages ,george ,ade1 with a fellow ,american1 was traveling in the ,orient1 and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old ,arab4 ,ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying ,arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a word that the native said4 ,never mind1 replied ,ade consolingly4 ,you see1 the old duffer hasn't a tooth in his head1 and he was only talking gum-,arabic4 ,milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages4 ,no1 sir1 he said2 one tongue is sufficient for any woman4 ,prince ,bismarck was once pressed by a certain ,american official to recommend his son for a diplomatic post4 ,he is a very remarkable fellow1 said the proud father2 he speaks seven languages4 ,indeed6 said ,bismarck1 who did not hold a very high opinion of linguistic acquirements4 ,what a wonderful headwaiter he would make6 ,,laughter ,,teacher--,freddie1 you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom4 ,,freddie--,i didn't mean to do it4 ,i was smiling1 and the smile busted4 ,laugh and the world laughs with you1 ,weep1 and the laugh's on you4 ,about the best and finest thing in this world is laughter4--,anna ,alice ,chapin4 ,,law ,see ,punishment4 ,,lawyers ,ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill4--,puck4 ,george ,ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party1 and on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose1 shoved his hands deep into his trousers' pockets1 as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those present3 ,doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny8 ,when the laugh had subsided1 ,ade drawled out3 ,doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets8 ,a man was charged with stealing a horse1 and after a long trial the jury acquitted him4 ,later in the day the man came back and asked the judge for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him4 ,what's the charge8 inquired the judge4 ,why1 ,your ,honor1 replied the man1 you see1 ,i didn't have the money to pay him his fee1 so he took the horse ,i stole4--,j4,j4 ,o',connell4 ,an elderly darky in ,georgia1 charged with the theft of some chickens1 had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney1 although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal1 the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt4 ,the darky received a pretty severe sentence4 ,thank you1 sah1 said he cheerfully1 addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced4 ,dat's mighty hard1 sah1 but it ain't anywhere what ,i 'spected4 ,i thought1 sah1 dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat you'd hang me1 shore6 ,you have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this morning1 haven't you8 remarked the friend of a magistrate1 who had dropped in at the police court4 ,huh6 rejoined the dispenser of justice1 you are looking at the wrong bunch4 ,those are the lawyers4 ,did youse git anyt'ing8 whispered the burglar on guard as his pal emerged from the window4 ,naw1 de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer1 replied the other in disgust4 ,dat's hard luck1 said the first2 did youse lose anyt'ing8 ,the dean of the ,law ,department was very busy and rather cross4 ,the telephone rang4 ,well1 what is it8 he snapped4 ,is that the city gas-works8 said a woman's soft voice4 ,no1 madam1 roared the dean2 this is the ,university ,law ,department4 ,ah1 she answered in the sweetest of tones1 ,i didn't miss it so far1 after all1 did ,i8--,carl ,holliday4 ,a lawyer cross-examining a witness1 asked him where he was on a particular day2 to which he replied that he had been in the company of two friends4 ,friends4' exclaimed his tormentor2 two thieves1 ,i suppose4 ,they may be so1 replied the witness1 dryly1 for they are both lawyers4 ,an impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from a tailor to whom he was indebted3 ,dear ,sir3 ,kindly advise me by return mail when ,i may expect a remittance from you in settlement of my account4 ,yours truly1 ,j4 ,,snippen4 ,the follower of ,blackstone immediately replied3 ,dear ,sir3 ,i have your request for advice of a recent date1 and beg leave to say that not having received any retainer from you ,i cannot act in the premises4 ,upon receipt of your check for #bej ,i shall be very glad to look the matter up for you and to acquaint you with the results of my investigations4 ,i am1 sir1 with great respect1 your most obedient servant1 ,,barclay ,b4 ,,coke4 ,a prisoner was brought before the bar in the criminal court1 but was not represented by a lawyer4 ,where is your lawyer8 asked the judge who presided4 ,i have none1 sir1 replied the prisoner4 ,why not8 queried the judge4 ,because ,i have no money to pay one4 ,do you want a lawyer8 asked the judge4 ,yes1 sir4 ,well1 there are ,mr4 ,thomas ,w4 ,wilson1 ,mr4 ,henry ,eddy1 and ,mr4 ,george ,rogers1 said the judge1 pointing to several young attorneys who were sitting in the room1 waiting for something to turn up1 and ,mr4 ,allen is out in the hall4 ,the prisoner looked at the attorneys1 and1 after a critical survey1 he turned to the judge and said3 ,if ,i can take my choice1 sir1 ,i guess ,i'll take ,mr4 ,allen4--,a4,s4 ,hitchcock4 ,what is that little boy crying about8 asked the benevolent old lady of the ragged boy4 ,dat other kid swiped his candy1 was the response4 ,but how is it that you have the candy now8 ,sure ,i got de candy now4 ,i'm de little kid's lawyer4 ,a man walking along the street of a village stepped into a hole in the sidewalk and broke his leg4 ,he engaged a famous lawyer1 brought suit against the village for one thousand dollars and won the case4 ,the city appealed to the ,supreme ,court1 but again the great lawyer won4 ,after the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him one dollar4 ,what's this8 asked the man4 ,that's your damages1 after taking out my fee1 the cost of appeal and other expenses1 replied the counsel4 ,the man looked at the dollar1 turned it over and carefully scanned the other side4 ,then looked up at the lawyer and said3 ,what's the matter with this dollar8 ,is it counterfeit8 ,deceive not thy ,physician1 ,confessor nor ,lawyer4 ,a ,sergeant of the ,lawe1 war and wys ,ther was also1 ful riche of excellence4 ,discreet he was1 and of greet reverence3 ,he seemed swich1 his wordes weren so wyse4 99 99 99 ,no-wher so bisy a man as he ther nas1 ,and yet he seemed bisier than he was4 --,chaucer4 ,,laziness ,a tourist in the mountains of ,tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch4 ,why1 man1 said the tourist1 you ought to be able to make lots of money shipping green corn to the northern market4 ,yes1 ,i otter1 was the sullen reply4 ,you have the land1 ,i suppose1 and can get the seed4 ,yes1 ,i guess so4 ,then why don't you go into the speculation8 ,no use1 stranger1 sadly replied the cracker1 the old woman is too lazy to do the plowin' and plantin'4 ,while the train was waiting on a side track down in ,georgia1 one of the passengers walked over to a cabin near the track1 in front of which sat a cracker dog1 howling4 ,the passenger asked a native why the dog was howling4 ,hookworm1 said the native4 ,he's lazy4 ,but1 said the stranger1 ,i was not aware that the hookworm is painful4 ',taint1 responded the garrulous native4 ,why1 then1 the stranger queried1 should the dog howl8 ,lazy4 ,but why does laziness make him howl8 ,wal1 said the ,georgian1 that blame fool dawg is sittin' on a sand-bur1 an' he's too tarnation lazy to get off1 so he jes' sets thar an' howls 'cause it hurts4 ,how's times8 inquired a tourist4 ,oh1 pretty tolerable1 responded the old native who was sitting on a stump4 ,i had some trees to cut down1 but a cyclone come along and saved me the trouble4 ,fine4 ,yes1 and then the lightning set fire to the brush pile and saved me the trouble of burnin' it4 ,remarkable4 ,but what are you going to do now8 ,oh1 nothin' much4 ,jest waitin' for an earthquake to come along and shake the potatoes out of the ground4 ,a tramp1 after a day or two in the hustling1 bustling town of ,denver1 shook the ,denver dust from his boots with a snarl4 ,they must be durn lazy people in this town4 ,everywhere you turn they offer you work to do4 ,an ,atlanta man tells of an amusing experience he had in a mountainous region in a southwestern state1 where the inhabitants are notoriously shiftless4 ,arriving at a dilapidated shanty at the noon hour1 he inquired as to the prospects for getting dinner4 ,the head of the family1 who had been resting on a fallen tree in front of his dwelling1 made reply to the effect that he guessed ,ma'd hev suthin' on to the table putty soon4 ,with this encouragement1 the traveler dismounted4 ,to his chagrin1 however1 he soon discovered that the food set before him was such that he could not possibly make a meal4 ,he made such excuses as he could for his lack of appetite1 and finally bethought himself of a kind of nourishment which he might venture to take1 and which was sure to be found in any locality4 ,he asked for some milk4 ,don't have milk no more1 said the head of the place4 ,the dawg's dead4 ,the dog6 cried the stranger4 ,what on earth has the dog to do with it8 ,well1 explained the host meditatively1 them cows don't seem to know 'nough to come up and be milked theirselves4 ,the dog1 he used to go for 'em an' fetch 'em up4--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,some temptations come to the industrious1 but all temptations attack the idle4--,spurgeon4 ,,leap ,,year ,a girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked3 ,george1 as it is leap year-- ,the caller turned pale4 ,as it is leap year1 she continued1 and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long1 long time1 ,george1 ,i propose-- ,i'm not in a position to marry on my salary ,grace ,george interrupted hurriedly4 ,i know that1 ,george1 the girl pursued1 and so1 as it is leap year1 ,i thought ,i'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance4--,l4,f4 ,clarke4 ,,legislators ,thomas ,b4 ,reed was one of the ,legislative ,committee sent to inspect an insane asylum4 ,there was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation1 and ,mr4 ,reed took for a partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced4 ,i don't remember having seen you here before1 said she2 how long have you been in the asylum8 ,oh1 ,i only came down yesterday1 said the gentleman1 as one of the ,legislative ,committee4 ,of course1 returned the lady2 how stupid ,i am6 ,however1 ,i knew you were an inmate or a member of the ,legislature the moment ,i looked at you4 ,but how was ,i to know8 ,it is so difficult to know which4 ,,liars ,there are three kinds of liars3 #a4 ,the man whom others can't believe4 ,he is harmless4 ,let him alone4 #b4 ,the man who can't believe others4 ,he has probably made a careful study of human nature4 ,if you don't put him in jail1 he will find out that you are a hypocrite4 #c4 ,the man who can't believe himself4 ,he is a cautious individual4 ,encourage him4 ,two ,irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one made a misstep and fell to the ground4 ,the other leaned over and called3 ,are yez dead or alive1 ,mike8 ,oi'm alive1 said ,mike feebly4 ,sure you're such a liar ,oi don't know whether to belave yez or not4 ,well1 then1 ,oi must be dead1 said ,mike1 for yez would never dare to call me a liar if ,oi wor aloive4 ,,father 7reprovingly7--,do you know what happens to liars when they die8 ,,johnny--,yes1 sir2 they lie still4 ,a private1 anxious to secure leave of absence1 sought his captain with a most convincing tale about a sick wife breaking her heart for his absence4 ,the officer1 familiar with the soldier's ways1 replied3 ,i am afraid you are not telling the truth4 ,i have just received a letter from your wife urging me not to let you come home because you get drunk1 break the furniture1 and mistreat her shamefully4 ,the private saluted and started to leave the room4 ,he paused at the door1 asking3 ,sor1 may ,i speak to you1 not as an officer1 but as mon to mon8 ,yes2 what is it8 ,well1 sor1 what ,i'm after sayin' is this1 approaching the captain and lowering his voice4 ,you and ,i are two of the most iligant liars the ,lord ever made4 ,i'm not married at all4 ,a conductor and a brakeman on a ,montana railroad differ as to the proper pronunciation of the name ,eurelia4 ,passengers are often startled upon arrival at his station to hear the conductor yell3 ,you're a liar6 ,you're a liar6 ,and then from the brakeman at the other end of the car3 ,you really are6 ,you really are6 ,,mother--,oh1 ,bobby1 ,i'm ashamed of you4 ,i never told stories when ,i was a little girl4 ,,bobby--,when did you begin1 then1 ,mamma8--,horace ,zimmerman4 ,the sages of the general store were discussing the veracity of old ,si ,perkins when ,uncle ,bill ,abbott ambled in4 ,what do you think about it1 ,uncle ,bill8 they asked him4 ,would you call ,si ,perkins a liar8 ,well1 answered ,uncle ,bill slowly1 as he thoughtfully studied the ceiling1 ,i don't know as ,i'd go so far as to call him a liar exactly1 but ,i do know this much3 when feedin' time comes1 in order to get any response from his hogs1 he has to get somebody else to call 'em for him4 ,a lie is an abomination unto the ,lord and an ever present help in time of trouble4 ,an ,idaho guide whose services were retained by some wealthy young easterners desirous of hunting in the ,northwest evidently took them to be the greenest of tenderfoots1 since he undertook to chaff them with a recital something as follows3 ,it was my first grizzly1 so ,i was mighty proud to kill him in a hand-to-hand struggle4 ,we started to fight about sunrise4 ,when he finally gave up the ghost1 the sun was going down4 ,at this point the guide paused to note the effect of his story4 ,not a word was said by the easterners1 so the guide added very slowly1 for the second time4 ,i gather1 then1 said one young gentleman1 a dapper little ,bostonian1 that it required a period of two days to enable you to dispose of that grizzly4 ,two days and a night1 said the guide1 with a grin4 ,that grizzly died mighty hard4 ,choked to death8 asked the ,bostonian4 ,yes1 sir1 said the guide4 ,pardon me1 continued the ,hubbite1 but what did you try to get him to swallow8 ,when by night the frogs are croaking1 ,kindle but a torch's fire2 ,ha6 how soon they all are silent2 ,thus ,truth silences the liar4 --,friedrich von ,logan4 ,see also ,epitaphs2 ,husbands2 ,politicians2 ,real estate agents2 ,regrets4 ,,liberty ,liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like4 ,a day1 an hour1 of virtuous liberty ,is worth a whole eternity in bondage4 --,addison4 ,where liberty dwells1 there is my country4--,benjamin ,franklin4 ,,librarians ,a country newspaper printed the following announcement3 ,the ,public ,library will close for two weeks1 beginning ,august #c1 for the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians4 ,the modern librarian is a genius4 ,all the proof needed is the statement that the requests for books with queer titles are filled with ones really wanted4 ,the following are instances3 ,,as ,,asked ,,for ,,correct ,,title ,indecent ,orders ,in ,deacon's ,orders ,she ,combeth ,not ,her ,head ,she ,cometh ,not1 ,she ,said ,trial of a ,servant ,trail of the ,serpent ,essays of a ,liar ,essays of ,elia ,soap and ,tables sop's ,fables ,pocketbook's ,hill ,puck of ,pook's ,hill ,dentist's ,infirmary ,dante's ,inferno ,holy ,smoke ,divine ,fire ,one librarian has the following entries in a card catalog3 ,lead ,poisoning ,do1 ,kindly ,light4 ,a distinguished librarian is a good follower of ,chesterton4 ,he says3 ,to my way of thinking1 a great librarian must have a clear head1 a strong hand and1 above all1 a great heart4 ,such shall be greatest among librarians2 and when ,i look into the future1 ,i am inclined to think that most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women4 ,many catalogers append notes to the main entries of their catalogs4 ,here are two3 ,an ,ideal ,husband3 ,essentially a work of fiction1 and presumably written by a woman 7unmarried74 ,aspects of ,home ,rule3 ,political1 not domestic4 ,in a branch library a reader asked for ,the ,girl ,he ,married 7by ,james ,grant47 ,this happened to be out1 and the assistant was requested to select a similar book4 ,presumably he was a benedict1 for he returned triumphantly with ,his ,better ,half 7by ,george ,griffith74 ,have you ,a ,joy ,forever8 inquired a lady borrower4 ,no1 replied the assistant librarian after referring to the stock4 ,dear me1 how tiresome1 said the lady2 have you ,praed8 ,yes1 madam1 but it isn't any good1 was the prompt reply4 ,,life ,life's an aquatic meet--some swim1 some dive1 some back water1 some float and the rest--sink4 ,i count life just a stuff ,to try the soul's strength on4 --,robert ,browning4 ,may you live as long as you like1 ,and have what you like as long as you live4 ,live1 while you live1 the epicure would say1 ,and seize the pleasures of the present day2 ,live1 while you live1 the sacred ,preacher cries1 ,and give to ,god each moment as it flies4 ,lord1 in my views let both united be2 ,i live in pleasure1 when ,i live to ,thee4 --,philip ,doddridge4 ,this world that we're a-livin' in ,is mighty hard to beat1 ,for you get a thorn with every rose-- ,but ain't the roses sweet6 ,dost thou love life8 ,then do not squander time1 for that is the stuff life is made of4--,benjamin ,franklin4 ,,lisping ,have you lost another tooth1 ,bethesda8 asked auntie1 who noticed an unusual lisp4 ,yes'm1 replied the four-year-old1 and ,i limp now when ,i talk4 ,,lost ,,and ,,found ,i ain't losing any faith in human nature1 said ,uncle ,eben1 but ,i kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised ',lost' dan dar is ',found4' ,what were you in for8 asked the friend4 ,i found a horse4 ,found a horse8 ,nonsense6 ,they wouldn't jug you for finding a horse4 ,well1 but you see ,i found him before the owner lost him4 ,party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no longer--it has been found4--,brooklyn ,life4 ,a lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a cuff-link1 one of a pair that he greatly prized4 ,being absolutely certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted this notice3 ,lost4 ,a gold cuff-link4 ,the owner1 ,william ,ward1 will deeply appreciate its immediate return4 ,that afternoon1 on passing the door whereon this notice was posted1 what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were these lines3 ,the finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the owner would kindly lose the other link4 ,,chinaman--,you tellee me where railroad depot8 ,,citizen--,what's the matter1 ,john8 ,lost8 ,,chinaman--,no6 me here4 ,depot lost4 ,,love ,love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life4 ,,mr4 ,,slimpurse--,but why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like8 ,you married for love1 didn't you8 ,,mrs4 ,,slimpurse--,yes2 but that is no reason why ,i should let our daughter make the same blunder4 ,,maude--,jack is telling around that you are worth your weight in gold4 ,,ethel--,the foolish boy4 ,who is he telling it to8 ,,maude--,his creditors4 ,,rich ,,man--,would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money8 ,,suitor--,why1 certainly6 ,,rich ,,man--,that's sufficient4 ,i don't want any idiots in this family4 ',tis better to have lived and loved ,than never to have lived at all4 --,judge4 ,may we have those in our arms that we love in our hearts4 ,here's to love1 the only fire against which there is no insurance4 ,here's to those that ,i love2 ,here's to those who love me2 ,here's to those who love those that ,i love4 ,here's to those who love those who love me4 ,it is best to love wisely1 no doubt2 but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all4--,thackeray4 ,mysterious love1 uncertain treasure1 ,hast thou more of pain or pleasure6 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,endless torments dwell about thee3 ,yet who would live1 and live without thee6 --,addison4 ,o1 love1 love1 love6 ,love is like a dizziness2 ,it winna let a poor body ,gang about his biziness6 --,hogg4 ,let the man who does not wish to be idle1 fall in love4--,ovid4 ,,loyalty ,jenkins1 a newly wedded suburbanite1 kissed his wife goodby the other morning1 and1 telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening1 got into his auto and started for town4 ,at six o'clock no hubby had appeared1 and the little wife began to get nervous4 ,when the hour of midnight arrived she could bear the suspense no longer1 so she aroused her father and sent him off to the telegraph office with six telegrams to as many brother ,elks living in town1 asking each if her husband was stopping with him overnight4 ,morning came1 and the frantic wife had received no intelligence of the missing man4 ,as dawn appeared1 a farm wagon containing a farmer and the derelict husband drove up to the house1 while behind the wagon trailed the broken-down auto4 ,almost simultaneously came a messenger boy with an answer to one of the telegrams1 followed at intervals by five others4 ,all of them read3 ,yes1 ,john is spending the night with me4--,bush ,phillips4 ,,boy--,come quick1 there's a man been fighting my father more'n half an hour4 ,,policeman--,why didn't you tell me before8 ,,boy--',cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago4 ,,luck ,some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet it4--,douglas ,jerrold4 ,o1 once in each man's life1 at least1 ,good luck knocks at his door2 ,and wit to seize the flitting guest ,need never hunger more4 ,but while the loitering idler waits ,good luck beside his fire1 ,the bold heart storms at fortunes gates1 ,and conquers its desire4 --,lewis ,j4 ,bates4 ,tommy1 said his brother1 you're a regular little glutton4 ,how can you eat so much8 ,don't know2 it's just good luck1 replied the youngster4 ,a negro who was having one misfortune after another said he was having as bad luck as the man with only a fork when it was raining soup4 ,see also ,windfalls4 ,,maine ,the ,governor of ,maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different states were called4 ,now1 he said1 the people from ,indiana are called ',hoosiers'2 the people from ,north ,carolina ',tar ,heels'2 the people from ,michigan we know as ',michiganders4' ,now1 what little boy or girl can tell me what the people of ,maine are called8 ,i know1 said a little girl4 ,well1 what are we called8 asked the ,governor4 ,maniacs4 ,,making ,,good ,what's become ob dat little chameleon ,mandy had8 inquired ,rufus4 ,oh1 de fool chile done lost him1 replied ,zeke4 ,she wuz playin' wif him one day1 puttin' him on red to see him turn red1 an' on blue to see him turn blue1 an' on green to see him turn green1 an' so on4 ,den de fool gal1 not satisfied wif lettin' well enough alone1 went an' put him on a plaid1 an' de poor little thing went an' bust himself tryin' to make good4 ,see also ,success4 ,,malaria ,the physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature1 and proceeded to ask the usual questions4 ,it--er--seems1 said he1 regarding the unfortunate with scientific interest1 that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate days4 ,do you think--is it your opinion--that they have1 so to speak1 decreased in violence1 if ,i may use that word8 ,the patient smiled feebly4 ,doc1 said he1 on fever days my head's so hot ,i can't think1 and on ague days ,i shake so ,i can't hold an opinion4 ,,marks7,,wo7,,manship ,an ,irishman who1 with his wife1 is employed on a truck-farm in ,new ,jersey1 recently found himself in a bad predicament1 when1 in attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog1 assistance came in the shape of his wife4 ,when the woman came up1 the dog had fastened his teeth in the calf of her husband's leg and was holding on for dear life4 ,seizing a stone in the road1 the ,irishman's wife was about to hurl it1 when the husband1 with wonderful presence of mind1 shouted3 ,mary6 ,mary6 ,don't throw the stone at the dog6 throw it at me6 ,mary had a little lamb1 ,it's fleece was gone in spots1 ,for ,mary fired her father's gun1 ,and lamby caught the shots6 --,columbia ,jester4 ,,marriage ,,mrs4 ,,quackenness--,am yo' daughtar happily mar'd1 ,sistah ,sagg8 ,,mrs4 ,,sagg--,she sho' is6 ,bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's skeered to death of her6 ,where am ,i8 the invalid exclaimed1 waking from the long delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied4 ,where am ,i--in heaven8 ,no1 dear1 cooed his wife2 ,i am still with you4 ,archbishop ,ryan was visiting a small parish in a mining district one day for the purpose of administering confirmation1 and asked one nervous little girl what matrimony is4 ,it is a state of terrible torment which those who enter are compelled to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world1 she said4 ,no1 no1 remonstrated her rector2 that isn't matrimony3 that's the definition of purgatory4 ,leave her alone1 said the ,archbishop2 maybe she is right4 ,what do you and ,i know about it8 ,was ,helen's marriage a success8 ,goodness1 yes4 ,why1 she is going to marry a nobleman on the alimony4--,judge4 ,,jennie--,what makes ,george such a pessimist8 ,,jack--,well1 he's been married three times--once for love1 once for money and the last time for a home4 ,matrimony is the root of all evil4 ,one day ,mary1 the charwoman1 reported for service with a black eye4 ,why1 ,mary1 said her sympathetic mistress1 what a bad eye you have6 ,yes'm4 ,well1 there's one consolation4 ,it might have been worse4 ,yes'm4 ,you might have had both of them hurt4 ,yes'm4 ,or worse'n that3 ,i might not ha' been married at all4 ,a wife placed upon her husband's tombstone3 ,he had been married forty years and was prepared to die4 ,i can take a hundred words a minute1 said the stenographer4 ,i often take more than that1 said the prospective employer2 but then ,i have to1 ,i'm married4 ,a man and his wife were airing their troubles on the sidewalk one ,saturday evening when a good ,samaritan intervened4 ,see here1 my man1 he protested1 this sort of thing won't do4 ,what business is it of yours1 ,i'd like to know1 snarled the man1 turning from his wife4 ,it's only my business in so far as ,i can be of help in settling this dispute1 answered the ,samaritan mildly4 ,this ain't no dispute1 growled the man4 ,no dispute6 ,but1 my dear friend-- ,i tell you it ain't no dispute1 insisted the man4 ,she--jerking his thumb toward the woman--thinks she ain't goin to get my week's wages1 and ,i know darn well she ain't4 ,where's the dispute in that8 ,,his ,,better ,,half--,i think it's time we got ,lizzie married and settled down1 ,alfred4 ,she will be twenty-eight next week you know4 ,,her ,,lesser ,,half--,oh1 don't hurry1 my dear4 ,better wait till the right sort of man comes along4 ,,his ,,better ,,half--,but why wait8 ,i didn't6 ,o',flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around his hat4 ,why1 ,mike6 exclaimed his wife4 ,what are ye wearin' thot mournful thing for8 ,i'm wearin' it for yer first husband1 replied ,mike firmly4 ,i'm sorry he's dead4 ,what a strangely interesting face your friend the poet has1 gurgled the maiden of forty4 ,it seems to possess all the elements of happiness and sorrow1 each struggling for supremacy4 ,yes1 he looks to me like a man who was married and didn't know it1 growled the ,cynical ,bachelor4 ,the not especially sweet-tempered young wife of a ,kaslo ,b4,c41 man one day approached her lord concerning the matter of one hundred dollars or so4 ,i'd like to let you have it1 my dear1 began the husband1 but the fact is ,i haven't that amount in the bank this morning--that is to say1 ,i haven't that amount to spare1 inasmuch as ,i must take up a note for two hundred dollars this afternoon4 ,oh1 very well1 ,james6 said the wife1 with an ominous calmness1 ,if you think the man who holds the note can make things any hotter for you than ,i can--why1 do as you say1 ,james6 ,a young lady entered a book store and inquired of the gentlemanly clerk--a married man1 by-the-way--if he had a book suitable for an old gentleman who had been married fifty years4 ,without the least hesitation the clerk reached for a copy of ,parkman's ,a ,half ,century of ,conflict4 ,smith and ,jones were discussing the question of who should be head of the house--the man or the woman4 ,i am the head of my establishment1 said ,jones4 ,i am the bread-winner4 ,why shouldn't ,i be8 ,well1 replied ,smith1 before my wife and ,i were married we made an agreement that ,i should make the rulings in all major things1 my wife in all the minor4 ,how has it worked8 queried ,jones4 ,smith smiled4 ,so far1 he replied1 no major matters have come up4 ,a poor lady the other day hastened to the nursery and said to her little daughter3 ,minnie1 what do you mean by shouting and screaming8 ,play quietly1 like ,tommy4 ,see1 he doesn't make a sound4 ,of course he doesn't1 said the little girl4 ,that is our game4 ,he is papa coming home late1 and ,i am you4 ,the stranger advanced toward the door4 ,mrs4 ,o',toole stood in the doorway with a rough stick in her left hand and a frown on her brow4 ,good morning1 said the stranger politely4 ,i'm looking for ,mr4 ,o',toole4 ,so'm ,i1 said ,mrs4 ,o',toole1 shifting her club over to her other hand4 ,,tim--,sarer ,smith 7you know 'er--,bill's missus71 she throwed herself horf the end uv the wharf larst night4 ,,tom--,poor ,sarer6 ,,tim--,an' a cop fished 'er out again4 ,,tom--,poor ,bill6 ,the cooing stops with the honeymoon1 but the billing goes on forever4 ,well1 old man1 how did you get along after ,i left you at midnight4 ,get home all right8 ,no2 a confounded nosey policeman haled me to the station1 where ,i spent the rest of the night4 ,lucky dog6 ,i reached home4 ,,stranger--,what's the fight about8 ,,native--,the feller on top is ,hank ,hill wot married the widder ,strong1 an' th' other's ,joel ,jenks1 wot interdooced him to her4--,life4 ,a colored man had been arrested on a charge of beating and cruelly misusing his wife4 ,after hearing the charge against the prisoner1 the justice turned to the first witness4 ,madam1 he said1 if this man were your husband and had given you a beating1 would you call in the police8 ,the woman addressed1 a veritable ,amazon in size and aggressiveness1 turned a smiling countenance towards the justice and answered3 ,no1 jedge4 ,if he was mah husban'1 and he treated me lak he did 'is wife1 ,ah wouldn't call no p'liceman4 ,no1 sah1 ,ah'd call de undertaker4 ,we admire the strict impartiality of the judge who recently fined his wife twenty-five dollars for contempt of court1 but we would hate to have been in the judge's shoes when he got home that night4 ,how many children have you8 asked the census-taker4 ,the man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth1 scratched his head1 thought it over a moment1 and then replied3 ,five--four living and one married4 ,,she--,how did they ever come to marry8 ,,he--,oh1 it's the same old story4 ,started out to be good friends1 you know1 and later on changed their minds4--,puck4 ,nat ,goodwin and a friend were walking along ,fifth ,avenue one afternoon when they stopped to look into a florist's window1 in which there was an artistic arrangement of exquisite roses4 ,what wonderful ,american ,beauties those are1 ,nat6 said the friend delightedly4 ,they are1 indeed1 replied ,nat4 ,you see1 ,i am very fond of that flower1 continued the friend4 ,in fact1 ,i might say it is my favorite4 ,you know1 ,nat1 ,i married an ,american beauty4 ,well1 said ,nat dryly1 you haven't got anything on me4 ,i married a cluster4 ,are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month8 ,of course6 ,what's the matter8 ,well1 ,i thought there might be some mistake1 seeing that ,i've lived a dog's life ever since4 ,is not marriage an open question1 when it is alleged1 from the beginning of the world1 that such as are in the institution wish to get out1 and such as are out wish to get in4--,emerson4 ,,householder--,here1 drop that coat and clear out6 ,,burglar--,you be quiet1 or ,i'll wake your wife and give her this letter ,i found in your pocket4 ,the reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets1 not in making cages4--,swift4 ,see also ,church discipline2 ,domestic finance2 ,trouble4 ,,marriage ,,fees ,a poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee4 ,it was not forth-coming4 ,both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects1 but destitute of financial resources4 ,the father was obdurate4 ,no money1 no marriage4 ,give me l'ave1 your riverence1 said the blushing bride1 to go and get the money4 ,it was given1 and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising a marriage fee out of pure nothing4 ,after a short interval she returned with the sum of money1 and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all4 ,when the parting was taking place the newly-made wife seemed a little uneasy4 ,anything on your mind1 ,catherine8 said the father4 ,well1 your riverence1 ,i would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now4 ,certainly not1 ,catherine4 ,no man can put you asunder4 ,could you not do it yourself1 father8 ,could you not spoil the marriage8 ,no1 no1 ,catherine4 ,you are past me now4 ,i have nothing more to do with your marriage4 ,that aises me mind1 said ,catherine1 and ,god bless your riverence4 ,there's the ticket for your hat4 ,i picked it up in the lobby and pawned it4 ,,mandy--,what foh yo' been goin'to de post-office so reg'lar8 ,are yo' corresponding wif some other female8 ,,rastus--,nope2 but since ah been a-readin' in de papers 'bout dese 'conscience funds' ah kind of thought ah might possibly git a lettah from dat ministah what married us4--,life4 ,the knot was tied2 the pair were wed1 ,and then the smiling bridegroom said ,unto the preacher1 ,shall ,i pay ,to you the usual fee today4 ,or would you have me wait a year ,and give you then a hundred clear1 ,if ,i should find the marriage state ,as happy as ,i estimate8 ,the preacher lost no time in thought1 ,to his reply no study brought1 ,there were no wrinkles on his brow3 ,said he1 ,i'll take three dollars now4 ,,mathematics ,see ,arithmetic4 ,,matrimony ,see ,marriage4 ,,measuring ,,instruments ,golly1 but ,i's tired6 exclaimed a tall and thin negro1 meeting a short and stout friend on ,washington ,street4 ,what you been doin' to get tired8 demanded the other4 ,well1 explained the thin one1 drawing a deep breath1 over to ,brother ,smith's dey are measurin' de house for some new carpets4 ,dey haven't got no yawdstick1 and ,i's just ezactly six feet tall4 ,so to oblige ,brother ,smith1 ,i's been a-layin' down and a-gettin' up all over deir house4 ,,medical ,,inspection ,,of ,,schools ,,passer-,,by--,what's the fuss in the schoolyard1 boy8 ,,the ,,boy--,why1 the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a perfect kid4 ,,medicine ,the farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by4 ,the farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule4 ,the doctor said he could1 and1 reaching down into his medicine case1 gave the animal some powders4 ,the mule switched his tail1 tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road4 ,the farmer looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor4 ,how much did that medicine cost1 ,doc8 he asked4 ,oh1 about fifteen cents1 said the physician4 ,well1 give me a quarter's worth1 quick6 ,and he swallowed it4 ,i've got to catch that mule4 ,i hope you are following my instructions carefully1 ,sandy--the pills three times a day and a drop of whisky at bedtime4 ,weeel1 sir1 ,i may be a wee bit behind wi' the pills1 but ,i'm about six weeks in front wi' the whusky4 ,rarely has a double meaning turned with more deadly effect upon an innocent perpetrator than in an advertisement lately appearing in a western newspaper4 ,he wrote3 ,wanted--a gentleman to undertake the sale of a patent medicine4 ,the advertiser guarantees it will be profitable to the undertaker4 ,i firmly believe that if the whole materia medico could be sunk to the bottom of the sea1 it would be all the better for mankind and all the worse for the fishes4--,o4,w4 ,holmes4 ,a man's own observation1 what he finds good of1 and what he finds hurt of1 is the best physic to preserve health4--,bacon4 ,,meekness ,one evening just before dinner a wife1 who had been playing bridge all the afternoon1 came in to find her husband and a strange man 7afterward ascertained to be a lawyer7 engaged in some mysterious business over the library table1 upon which were spread several sheets of paper4 ,what are you going to do with all that paper1 ,henry8 demanded the wife4 ,i am making a wish1 meekly responded the husband4 ,a wish8 ,yes1 my dear4 ,in your presence ,i shall not presume to call it a will4 ,,memorials ,two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race1 at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes4 ,said the cook3 ,dat's all very well1 ,mandy2 but when ,i dies ,i don't want no flowers on my grave4 ,jes' plant a good old watermelon-vine2 an' when she gits ripe1 you come dar1 an' don't you eat it1 but jes' bus' it on de grave1 an' let de good old juice dribble down thro' de ground6 ,that's rather a handsome mantelpiece you have there1 ,mr4 ,binkston1 said the visitor4 ,yes1 replied ,mr4 ,binkston1 proudly4 ,that is a memorial to my wife4 ,why--,i was not aware that ,mrs4 ,binkston had passed away1 said the visitor sympathetically4 ,oh no1 indeed1 she hasn't1 smiled ,mr4 ,binkston4 ,she is serving her thirtieth sojourn in jail4 ,that mantelpiece is built of the bricks she was convicted of throwing4 ,,memory ,uncle ,mose1 said a drummer1 addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store1 they tell me that you remember seeing ,george ,washington--am ,i mistaken8 ,no1 sah1 said ,uncle ,mose4 ,i uster 'member seein' him1 but ,i done fo'got sence ,i jined de chu'ch4 ,a noted college president1 attending a banquet in ,boston1 was surprised to see that the darky who took the hats at the door gave no checks in return4 ,he has a most wonderful memory1 a fellow diner explained4 ,he's been doing that for years and prides himself upon never having made a mistake4 ,as the college president was leaving1 the darky passed him his hat4 ,how do you know that this one is mine8 ,i don't know it1 suh1 admitted the darky4 ,then why do you give it to me8 ',cause yo' gave it to me1 suh4 ,tommy1 said his mother reprovingly1 what did ,i say ,i'd do to you if ,i ever caught you stealing jam again8 ,tommy thoughtfully scratched his head with his sticky fingers4 ,why1 that's funny1 ma1 that you should forget it1 too4 ,hanged if ,i can remember4 ,smith is a young ,new ,york lawyer1 clever in many ways1 but very forgetful4 ,he was recently sent to ,st4 ,louis to interview an important client in regard to a case then pending in the ,missouri courts4 ,later the head of his firm received this telegram from ,st4 ,louis3 ,have forgotten name of client4 ,please wire at once4 ,this was the reply sent from ,new ,york3 ,client's name ,jenkins4 ,your name ,smith4 ,when time who steals our years away ,shall steal our pleasures too1 ,the mem'ry of the past will stay ,and half our joys renew4 --,moore4 ,the heart hath its own memory1 like the mind1 ,and in it are enshrined ,the precious keepsakes1 into which is wrought ,the giver's loving thought4 --,longfellow4 ,,men ,here's to the men6 ,god bless them6 ,worst of me sins1 ,i confess them6 ,in loving them all2 be they great or small1 ,so here's to the boys6 ,god bless them6 ,may all single men be married1 ,and all married men be happy4 ,what is your ideal man8 ,one who is clever enough to make money and foolish enough to spend it6 ,i have thought some of ,nature's journeymen had made men and not made them well1 they imitated humanity so abominably4--,shakespeare4 ,men are four3 ,he who knows and knows not that he knows1-- ,he is asleep--wake him2 ,he who knows not and knows not that he knows not1-- ,he is a fool--shun him2 ,he who knows not and knows that he knows not1-- ,he is a child--teach him2 ,he who knows and knows that ,he knows1-- ,he is a king--follow him4 ,see also ,dogs2 ,husbands4 ,,messages ,have you the rent ready8 ,no1 sir2 mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you4 ,did she tell you she'd forgotten8 ,yes1 sir4 ,one of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man1 who1 while floating in the water1 imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate4 ,saved at last1 he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message3 ,dear ,pat1 ,i am saved4 ,break it gently to my wife4 ,,metaphor ,it was a ,washington woman1 angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the ,senate office building1 who burst out3 ,it is almost as if the ,senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the clarion of equal rights4 ,a water consumer in ,los ,angeles1 ,california1 whose supply had been turned off because he wouldn't pay1 wrote to the department as follows3 ,in the matter of shutting off the water on unpaid bills1 your company is fast becoming a regular crystallized ,russian bureaucracy1 running in a groove and deaf to the appeals of reform4 ,there is no use of your trying to impugn the verity of this indictment by shaking your official heads in the teeth of your own deeds4 ,if you will persist in this kind of thing1 a widespread conflagration of the populace will be so imminent that it will require only a spark to let loose the dogs of war in our midst4 ,will you persist in hurling the corner stone of our personal liberty to your wolfish hounds of collectors1 thirsting for its blood8 ,if you persist1 the first thing you know you will have the chariot of a justly indignant revolution rolling along in our midst and gnashing its teeth as it rolls4 ,if your rascally collectors are permitted to continue coming to our doors with unblushing footsteps1 with cloaks of hypocritical compunction in their mouths1 and compel payment from your patrons1 this policy will result in cutting the wool off the sheep that lays the golden egg1 until you have pumped it dry--and then farewell1 a long farewell1 to our vaunted prosperity4 ,,mice ,what's the matter with ,briggs8 ,he was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor4--,life4 ,,middle ,,classes ,,willie--,paw1 what is the middle class8 ,,paw--,the middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything4 ,,militants ,see ,suffragettes4 ,,military ,,discipline ,murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry4 ,he could not ride at all1 and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop4 ,remember1 said the sergeant1 no one is allowed to dismount without orders4 ,murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground4 ,murphy6 yelled the sergeant1 when he discovered him lying breathless on the ground1 you dismounted6 ,i did4 ,did you have orders8 ,i did4 ,from headquarters1 ,i suppose8 ,no1 sor2 from hintquarters4 ,how dare you come on parade1 exclaimed an ,irish sergeant to a recruit1 before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in graise an' poipe clay8 ,tell me now--answer me when ,i spake to yez6 ,the recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the sergeant stopped him4 ,dare yez to answer me when ,i puts a question to yez8 he cried4 ,hould yer lyin' tongue1 and open your face at yer peril6 ,tell me now1 what have ye been doin' wid yer uniform an' arms an' bills8 ,not a word1 or ,i'll clap yez in the guardroom4 ,when ,i axes yez anything an' yez spakes ,i'll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer1 but if yez don't answer when ,i questions yez1 ,i'll have yez punished for disobedience of orders6 ,so1 yez see1 ,i have yez both ways6 ,mistake1 error1 is the discipline through which we advance4--,channing4 ,,milliners ,recipe for a milliner3 ,to a presence that's much more than queenly1 ,add a manner that's quite ,vere de ,vere2 ,you feel like a worm in her sight when she says1 ,only #cjj1 my dear6 --,life4 ,,millionaires ,recipe for a multi-millionaire3 ,take a boy with bare feet as a starter ,add thrift and sobriety1 mixed-- ,flavor with quarts of religion1 ,and see that the tariff is fixed4 --,life4 ,,millionaire 7to a beggar7--,be off with you this minute6 ,,beggar--,look 'ere1 mister2 the only difference between you and me is that you are makin' your second million1 while ,i am still workin' at my first4 ,now that you have made #ej1jjj1jjj1 ,i suppose you are going to keep right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions8 ,no1 sir4 ,you do me an injustice4 ,i'm going to put in the rest of my time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition4 ,when ,i was a young man1 said ,mr4 ,cumrox1 ,i thought nothing of working twelve or fourteen hours a day4 ,father1 replied the young man with sporty clothes1 ,i wish you wouldn't mention it4 ,those non-union sentiments are liable to make you unpopular4 ,no good man ever became suddenly rich4--,syrus4 ,and all to leave what with his toil he won1 ,to that unfeather'd two-legged thing1 a son4 --,dryden4 ,see also ,capitalists4 ,,minorities ,stepping out between the acts at the first production of one of his plays1 ,bernard ,shaw said to the audience3 ,what do you think of it8 ,this startled everybody for the time being1 but presently a man in the pit assembled his scattered wits and cried3 ,rotten6 ,shaw made a curtsey and melted the house with one of his ,irish smiles4 ,my friend1 he said1 shrugging his shoulders and indicating the crowd in front1 ,i quite agree with you1 but what are we two against so many8 ,,misers ,there was an old man of ,nantucket ,who kept all his cash in a bucket2 ,but his daughter1 named ,nan1 ,ran away with a man-- ,and as for the bucket1 ,nantucket4 ,a mere madness1 to live like a wretch1 and die rich4--,robert ,burton4 ,,missionaries ,,she--,poor cousin ,jack6 ,and to be eaten by those wretched cannibals6 ,,he--,yes1 my dear child2 but he gave them their first taste in religion6 ,at a meeting of the ,women's ,foreign ,missionary ,society in a large city church a discussion arose among the members present as to the race of people that inhabited a far-away land4 ,some insisted that they were not a man-eating people2 others that they were known to be cannibals4 ,however1 the question was finally decided by a minister's widow1 who said3 ,i beg pardon for interrupting1 ,mrs4 ,chairman1 but ,i can assure you that they are cannibals4 ,my husband was a missionary there and they ate him4 ,,missions ,what in the world are you up to1 ,hilda8 exclaimed ,mrs4 ,bale1 as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys1 headless dolls1 ragged clothes and general debris into an open box4 ,why1 mother1 cried ,hilda1 can't you see8 ,i'm packing a missionary box just the way the ladies do2 and it's all right1 she added reassuringly1 ,i haven't put in a single thing that's any good at all6 ,,mistaken ,,identity ,there was a young fellow named ,paul1 ,who went to a fancy dress ball2 ,they say1 just for fun ,he dressed up like a bun1 ,and was et by a dog in the hall4 ,a ,scottish woman1 who was spending her holidays in ,london1 entered a bric-a-brac shop1 in search of something odd to take home to ,scotland with her4 ,after she had inspected several articles1 but had found none to suit her1 she noticed a quaint figure1 the head and shoulders of which appeared above the counter4 ,what is that ,japanese idol over there worth8 she inquired of the salesman4 ,the salesman's reply was given in a subdued tone3 ,about half a million1 madam4 ,that's the proprietor6 ,the late ,james ,mc,neil ,whistler was standing bareheaded in a hat shop1 the clerk having taken his hat to another part of the shop for comparison4 ,a man rushed in with his hat in his hand1 and1 supposing ,whistler to be a clerk angrily confronted him4 ,see here1 he said1 this hat doesn't fit4 ,whistler eyed the stranger critically from head to foot1 and then drawled out3 ,well1 neither does your coat4 ,what's more1 if you'll pardon my saying so1 ,i'll be hanged if ,i care much for the color of your trousers4 ,the steamer was on the point of leaving1 and the passengers lounged on the deck and waited for the start4 ,at length one of them espied a cyclist in the far distance1 and it soon became evident that he was doing his level best to catch the boat4 ,already the sailors' hands were on the gangways1 and the cyclist's chance looked small indeed4 ,then a sportive passenger wagered a sovereign to a shilling that he would miss it4 ,the offer was taken1 and at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement4 ,he'll miss it4 ,no2 he'll just do it4 ,come on6 ,he won't do it4 ,yes1 he will4 ,he's done it4 ,hurrah6 ,in the very nick of time the cyclist arrived1 sprang off his machine1 and ran up the one gangway left4 ,cast off6 he cried4 ,it was the captain4 ,much to the curious little girl's disgust1 her elder sister and her girl friends had quickly closed the door of the back parlor1 before she could wedge her small self in among them4 ,she waited uneasily for a little while1 then she knocked4 ,no response4 ,she knocked again4 ,still no attention4 ,her curiosity could be controlled no longer4 ,dodo6 she called in staccato tones as she knocked once again4 ',tain't me6 ,it's ,mamma6 ,,mollycoddles ,tommy1 why don't you play with ,frank any more8 asked ,tommy's mother1 who noticed that he was cultivating the acquaintance of a new boy on the block4 ,i thought you were such good chums4 ,we was1 replied ,tommy superciliously1 but he's a mollycoddle4 ,he paid t' git into the ball-grounds4 ,,money ,in some of the college settlements there are penny savings banks for children4 ,one ,saturday a small boy arrived with an important air and withdrew #b cents from his account4 ,monday morning he promptly returned the money4 ,so you didn't spend your #b cents8 observed the worker in charge4 ,oh1 no1 he replied1 but a fellow just likes to have a little cash on hand over ,sunday4 ,see also ,domestic finance4 ,,moral ,,education ,two little boys1 four and five years old respectively1 were playing quietly1 when the one of four years struck the other on his cheek4 ,an interested bystander stepped up and asked him why he had hit the other who had done nothing4 ,well1 replied the pugilistic one1 last ,sunday our lesson in ,sunday-school was about if a fellow hit you on the left cheek turn the other and get another crack1 and ,i just wanted to see if ,bobbie knew his lesson4 ,,mosquitoes ,senator ,gore1 of ,oklahoma1 while addressing a convention in ,oklahoma ,city recently1 told this story1 illustrating a point he made3 ,a northern gentleman was being entertained by a southern colonel on a fishing-trip4 ,it was his first visit to the ,south1 and the mosquitoes were so bothersome that he was unable to sleep1 while at the same time he could hear his friend snoring audibly4 ,the next morning he approached the old darky who was doing the cooking4 ',jim1' he said1 'how is it the colonel is able to sleep so soundly with so many mosquitoes around8' ',i'll tell yo'1 boss1' the darky replied1 'de fust part of de night de kernel is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de skeeters1 and de last part of de night de skeeters is too full to pay any 'tenshum to de kernel4' ,see also ,applause2 ,new ,jersey4 ,,mothers ,while reconnoitering in ,westmoreland ,county1 ,virginia1 one of ,general ,washington's officers chanced upon a fine team of horses driven before a plow by a burly slave4 ,finer animals he had never seen4 ,when his eyes had feasted on their beauty he cried to the driver3 ,hello good fellow6 ,i must have those horses4 ,they are just such animals as ,i have been looking for4 ,the black man grinned1 rolled up the whites of his eyes1 put the lash to the horses' flanks and turned up another furrow in the rich soil4 ,the officer waited until he had finished the row2 then throwing back his cavalier cloak the ensign of the rank dazzled the slave's eyes4 ,better see missus6 ,better see missus6 he cried waving his hand to the south1 where above the cedar growth rose the towers of a fine old ,virginia mansion4 ,the officer turned up the carriage road and soon was rapping the great brass knocker of the front door4 ,quickly the door swung upon its ponderous hinges and a grave1 majestic-looking woman confronted the visitor with an air of inquiry4 ,madam1 said the officer doffing his cap and overcome by her dignity1 ,i have come to claim your horses in the name of the ,government4 ,my horses8 said she1 bending upon him a pair of eyes born to command4 ,sir1 you cannot have them4 ,my crops are out and ,i need my horses in the field4 ,i am sorry1 said the officer1 but ,i must have them1 madam4 ,such are the orders of my chief4 ,your chief8 ,who is your chief1 pray8 she demanded with restrained warmth4 ,the commander of the ,american army1 ,general ,george ,washington1 replied the other1 squaring his shoulders and swelling his pride4 ,a smile of triumph softened the sternness of the woman's features4 ,you go and tell ,general ,george ,washington for me1 said she1 that his mother says he cannot have her horses4 ,the wagons of the greatest show on earth passed up the avenue at daybreak4 ,their incessant rumbling soon awakened ten-year-old ,billie and five-year-old brother ,robert4 ,their mother feigned sleep as the two white-robed figures crept past her bed into the hall1 on the way to investigate4 ,robert struggled manfully with the unaccustomed task of putting on his clothes4 ,wait for me1 ,billie1 his mother heard him beg4 ,you'll get ahead of me4 ,get mother to help you1 counseled ,billie1 who was having troubles of his own4 ,mother started to the rescue1 and then paused as she heard the voice of her younger1 guarded but anxious and insistent4 ,you ask her1 ,billie4 ,you've known her longer than ,i have4 ,a little girl1 being punished by her mother flew1 white with rage1 to her desk1 wrote on a piece of paper1 and then going out in the yard she dug a hole in the ground1 put the paper in it and covered it over4 ,the mother1 being interested in her child's doings1 went out after the little girl had gone away1 dug up the paper and read3 ,dear ,devil3 ,please come and take my mamma away4 ,one morning a little girl hung about the kitchen bothering the busy cook to death4 ,the cook lost patience finally4 ,clear out o' here1 ye sassy little brat6 she shouted1 thumping the table with a rolling-pin4 ,the little girl gave the cook a haughty look4 ,i never allow any one but my mother to speak to me like that1 she said4 ,the public-spirited lady met the little boy on the street4 ,something about his appearance halted her4 ,she stared at him in her near-sighted way4 ,,the ,,lady--,little boy1 haven't you any home8 ,,the ,,little ,,boy--,oh1 yes'm2 ,i've got a home4 ,,the ,,lady--,and loving parents8 ,,the ,,little ,,boy--,yes'm4 ,,the ,,lady--,i'm afraid you do not know what love really is4 ,do your parents look after your moral welfare8 ,,the ,,little ,,boy--,yes'm4 ,,the ,,lady--,are they bringing you up to be a good and helpful citizen8 ,,the ,,little ,,boy--,yes'm4 ,,the ,,lady--,will you ask your mother to come and hear me talk on ',when ,does a ,mother's ,duty to ,her ,child ,begin8' next ,saturday afternoon1 at three o'clock1 at ,lyceum ,hall8 ,,the ,,little ,,boy 7explosively7--,what's th' matter with you ma6 ,don't you know me8 ,i'm your little boy6 ,here's to the happiest hours of my life-- ,spent in the arms of another man's wife3 ,my mother6 ,happy he ,with such a mother6 faith in womankind ,beats with his blood1 and trust in all things high ,comes easy to him1 and though he trip and fall1 ,he shall not blind his soul with clay4 --,tennyson4 ,women know ,the way to rear up children 7to be just72 ,they know a simple1 merry1 tender knack ,of tying sashes1 fitting baby-shoes1 ,and stringing pretty words that make no sense1 ,and kissing full sense into empty words2 ,which things are corals to cut life upon1 ,although such trifles4 --,e4 ,b4 ,browning ,,mothers-,,in-,,law ,justice ,david ,j4 ,brewer was asked not long ago by a man4 ,will you please tell me1 sir1 what is the extreme penalty for bigamy8 ,justice ,brewer smiled and answered3 ,two mothers-in-law4 ,,she--,and so you are going to be my son-in-law8 ,,he--,by ,jove6 ,i hadn't thought of that4 ,,waiter--,have another glass1 sir8 ,,husband 7to his wife7--,shall ,i have another glass1 ,henrietta8 ,,wife 7to her mother7--,shall he have another1 mother8 ,a blackmailer wrote the following to a wealthy business man3 ,send me #e1jjj or ,i will abduct your mother-in-law4 ,to which the business man replied3 ,sorry ,i am short of funds1 but your proposition interests me4 ,an undertaker telegraphed to a man that his mother-in-law had died and asked whether he should bury1 embalm or cremate her4 ,the man replied1 ,all three1 take no chances4 ,,motorcycles ,the automobile was a thing unheard of to a mountaineer in one community1 and he was very much astonished one day when he saw one go by without any visible means of locomotion4 ,his eyes bulged1 however1 when a motorcycle followed closely in its wake and disappeared like a flash around a bend in the road4 ,gee whiz6 he said1 turning to his son1 who'd 'a' s'posed that thing had a colt8 ,,mountains ,some real-estate dealers in ,british ,columbia were accused of having victimized ,english and ,scotch settlers by selling to them 7at long range7 fruit ranches which were situated on the tops of mountains4 ,it is said that the captain of a steamboat on ,kootenay ,lake once heard a great splash in the water4 ,looking over the rail1 he spied the head of a man who was swimming toward his boat4 ,he hailed him4 ,do you know1 said the swimmer1 this is the third time to-day that ,i've fallen off that bally old ranch of mine8 ,,moving ,,pictures ,your soldiers look fat and happy4 ,you must have a war chest4 ,not exactly1 but things are on a higher plane than they used to be4 ,this revolution is being financed by a moving-picture concern4 ,,muck-,,raking ,the way of the transgressor is well written up4 ,,mules ,gen4 ,o4,o4 ,howard1 as is well known1 is a man of deep religious principles1 and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism4 ,howard's brigade was known all through the army as the ,christian brigade1 and he was very proud of it4 ,there was one hardened old sinner in the brigade1 however1 whose ears were deaf to all exhortation4 ,general ,howard was particularly anxious to convert this man1 and one day he went down in the teamsters' part of the camp where the man was on duty4 ,he talked with him long and earnestly about religion and finally said3 ,i want to see you converted4 ,won't you come to the mourners' bench at the next service8 ,the erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a moment and then replied3 ,general1 ,i'm plumb willin' to be converted1 but if ,i am1 seein' that everyone else has got religion1 who in blue blazes is goin' to drive the mules8 ,,municipal ,,government ,what's the trouble in ,plunkville8 ,we've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission4 ,well8 ,now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine4 ,,museums ,it had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the ,museum of ,natural ,history1 but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals and their open-eyed wonder at the prehistoric fossils amply repaid her4 ,well1 boys1 where have you been all afternoon8 asked the father of two of the party that evening4 ,the answer came back with joyous promptness3 ,oh1 pop6 ,teacher took us to a dead circus4 ,two ,marylanders1 who were visiting the ,national ,museum at ,washington1 were seen standing in front of an ,egyptian mummy1 over which hung a placard bearing the inscription4 ,b4,c4 #aahg4 ,both visitors were much mystified thereby4 ,said one3 ,what do you make of that1 ,bill8 ,well1 said ,bill1 ,i dunno2 but maybe it was the number of the motor-car that killed him4--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,,music ,the musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a ,beethoven sonata1 has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and sang all the dots on her veil4 ,a thief broke into a ,madison avenue mansion early the other morning and found himself in the music-room4 ,hearing footsteps approaching1 he took refuge behind a screen4 ,from eight to nine o'clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson4 ,from nine to ten o'clock the second daughter took a piano lesson4 ,from ten to eleven o'clock the eldest son had a violin lesson4 ,from eleven to twelve o'clock the other son had a lesson on the flute4 ,at twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an ear-splitting piece for voice1 piano1 violin and flute4 ,the thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five1 and falling at their feet1 cried3 ,for ,heaven's sake1 have me arrested6 ,a lady told ,swinburne that she would render on the piano a very ancient ,florentine retornello which had just been discovered4 ,she then played ,three blind mice and ,swinburne was enchanted4 ,he found that it reflected to perfection the cruel beauty of the ,medicis--which1 perhaps1 it does4--,edmund ,gosse4 ,the accomplished and obliging pianist had rendered several selections1 when one of the admiring group of listeners in the hotel parlor suggested ,mozart's ,twelfth ,mass4 ,several people echoed the request1 but one lady was particularly desirous of hearing the piece1 explaining that her husband had belonged to that very regiment4 ,dinner was a little late4 ,a guest asked the hostess to play something4 ,seating herself at the piano1 the good woman executed a ,chopin nocturne with precision4 ,she finished1 and there was still an interval of waiting to be bridged4 ,in the grim silence she turned to an old gentleman on her right and said3 ,would you like a sonata before going in to dinner8 ,he gave a start of surprise and pleasure as he responded briskly3 ,why1 yes1 thanks6 ,i had a couple on my way here1 but ,i could stand another4 ,music is the universal language of mankind4--,longfellow4 ,i even think that1 sentimentally1 ,i am disposed to harmony4 ,but organically ,i am incapable of a tune4--,charles ,lamb4 ,there's music in the sighing of a reed2 ,there's music in the gushing of a rill2 ,there's music in all things1 if men had ears3 ,their earth is but an echo of the spheres4 --,byron4 ,,musicians ,,father--,well1 sonny1 did you take your dog to the 'vet' next door to your house1 as ,i suggested8 ,,boy--,yes1 sir4 ,,father-,and what did he say8 ,,boy--',e said ,towser was suffering from nerves1 so ,sis had better give up playin' the pianner4 ,the celebrated pianiste1 ,miss ,sharpe1 had concluded her recital4 ,as the resultant applause was terminating1 ,mrs4 ,rochester observed ,colonel ,grayson wiping his eyes4 ,the old gentleman noticed her look1 and1 thinking it one of inquiry1 began to explain the cause of his sadness4 ,the girl's playing1 he told the lady1 reminded me so much of the playing of her father4 ,he used to be a chum of mine in the ,army of the ,potomac4 ,oh1 indeed6 cooed ,mrs4 ,rochester1 with a conventional show of interest4 ,i never knew her father was a piano-player4 ,he wasn't1 replied the ,colonel4 ,he was a drummer4--,g4,t4 ,evans4 ,recipe for an orchestra leader3 ,four hundred and twenty-two movements-- ,emanuel1 ,swedish and ,swiss-- ,it's a wonder the hand can keep playing1 ,you'd think they'd die laughing at this6 --,life4 ',tis ,god gives skill1 ,but not without men's hands3 ,he could not make ,antonio ,stradivari's violins ,without ,antonio4 --,george ,eliot4 ,,names1 ,,personal ,israel ,zangwill1 the well-known writer1 signs himself ,i4 ,zangwill4 ,he was once approached at a reception by a fussy old lady1 who demanded1 ,oh1 ,mr4 ,zangwill1 what is your ,christian name8 ,madame1 ,i have none1 he gravely assured her4--,john ,pearson4 ,,friend-,so your great ,russian actor was a total failure8 ,,manager-,yes4 ,it took all our profits to pay for running the electric light sign with his name on it4--,puck4 ,a somewhat unpatriotic little son of ,italy1 twelve years old1 came to his teacher in the public school and asked if he could not have his name changed4 ,why do you wish to change your name8 the teacher asked4 ,i want to be an ,american4 ,i live in ,america now4 ,i no longer want to be a ,dago4 ,what ,american name would you like to have8 ,i have it here1 he said1 handing the teacher a dirty scrap of paper on which was written--,patrick ,dennis ,mc,carty4 ,a shy young man once said to a young lady3 ,i wish dear1 that we were on such terms of intimacy that you would not mind calling me by my first name4 ,oh1 she replied1 your second name is good enough for me4 ,an ,american travelling in ,europe engaged a courier4 ,arriving at an inn in ,austria1 the man asked his servant to enter his name in accordance with the police regulations of that country4 ,some time after1 the man asked the servant if he had complied with his orders4 ,yes1 sir1 was the reply4 ,how did you write my name8 asked the master4 ,well1 sir1 ,i can't pronounce it1 answered the servant1 but ,i copied it from your portmanteau1 sir4 ,why1 my name isn't there4 ,bring me the book4 ,the register was brought1 and1 instead of the plain ,american name of two syllables1 the following entry was revealed3 ,monsieur ,warranted ,solid ,leather4 --,m4,a4 ,hitchcock4 ,the story is told of ,helen ,hunt1 the famous author of ,ramona1 that one morning after church service she found a purse full of money and told her pastor about it4 ,very well1 he said1 you keep it1 and at the evening service ,i will announce it1 which he did in this wise3 ,this morning there was found in this church a purse filled with money4 ,if the owner is present he or she can go to ,helen ,hunt for it4 ,and the minister wondered why the congregation tittered6 ,a street-car masher tried in every way to attract the attention of the pretty young girl opposite him4 ,just as he had about given up1 the girl1 entirely unconscious of what had been going on1 happened to glance in his direction4 ,the masher immediately took fresh courage4 ,it's cold out to-day1 isn't it8 he ventured4 ,the girl smiled and nodded assent1 but had nothing to say4 ,my name is ,specknoodle1 he volunteered4 ,oh1 ,i am so sorry1 she said sympathetically1 as she left the car4 ,the comedian came on with affected diffidence4 ,at our last stand1 quoth he1 ,i noticed a man laughing while ,i was doing my turn4 ,honest1 now6 ,my1 how he laughed6 ,he laughed until he split4 ,till he split1 mind you4 ,thinks ,i to myself1 ,i'll just find out about the man and so1 when the show was over1 ,i went up to him4 ,my friend1 says ,i1 ,i've heard that there's nothing in a name1 but are you not one of the ,wood family8 ,i am1 says he1 and what's more1 my grandfather was a ,pine6 ,no ,wood1 you know1 splits any easier than a ,pine4--,ramsey ,benson4 ,but ,eliza1 said the mistress1 your little boy was christened ,george ,washington4 ,why do you call him ,izaak ,walton8 ,walton1 you know1 was the famous fisherman4 ,yes'm1 answered ,eliza1 but dat chile's repetashun fo' telling de troof made dat change imper'tive4 ,the mother of the girl baby1 herself named ,rachel1 frankly told her husband that she was tired of the good old names borne by most of the eminent members of the family1 and she would like to give the little girl a name entirely different4 ,then she wrote on a slip of paper ,eugnie1 and asked her husband if he didn't think that was a pretty name4 ,the father studied the name for a moment and then said3 ,vell1 call her ,yousheenie1 but ,i don't see vat you gain by it4 ,there was a great swell in ,japan1 ,whose name on a ,tuesday began2 ,it lasted through ,sunday ,till twilight on ,monday1 ,and sounded like stones in a can4 ,he was a young lawyer who had just started practicing in a small town and hung his sign outside of his office door4 ,it read3 ,a4 ,swindler4 ,a stranger who called to consult him saw the sign and said3 ,my goodness1 man1 look at that sign6 ,don't you see how it reads8 ,put in your first name--,alexander1 ,ambrose or whatever it is4 ,oh1 yes ,i know1 said the lawyer resignedly1 but ,i don't exactly like to do it4 ,why not8 asked the client4 ,it looks mighty bad as it is4 ,what is your first name8 ,adam4 ,who hath not own'd1 with rapture-smitten frame1 ,the power of grace1 the magic of a name4 --,campbell4 ,,natives ,,friend 7admiring the prodigy7--,seventh standard1 is she8 ,plays the planner an' talks ,french like a native1 ,i'll bet4 ,,fond ,,but ,,touchy ,,parent--,i've no doubt that's meant to be very funny1 ,bill ,smith2 but as it 'appens you're only exposin' your ignorance2 they ain't natives in ,france--they're as white as wot we are4--,sketch4 ,,nature ,,lovers ,would you mind tooting your factory whistle a little8 ,what for8 ,for my father over yonder in the park4 ,he's a trifle deaf and he hasn't heard a robin this summer4 ,,navigation ,the fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the ,captain why he didn't go on4 ,can't see up the river1 madam4 ,but1 ,captain1 she persisted1 ,i can see the stars overhead4 ,yes1 ma'am1 said the ,captain1 but until the boilers bust we ain't goin' that way4 ,,neatness ,the neatness of the ,new ,england housekeeper is a matter of common remark1 and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages4 ,a bit of dialogue reported as follows shows that there may be another side to the matter4 ,martha1 have you wiped the sink dry yet8 asked the farmer1 as he made final preparations for the night4 ,yes1 ,josiah1 she replied4 ,why do you ask8 ,well1 ,i did want a drink1 but ,i guess ,i can get along until morning4 ,,negroes ,a colored girl asked the drug clerk for ten cents' wuth o' cou't-plaster4 ,what color1 he asked4 ,flesh cullah1 suh4 ,whereupon the clerk proffered a box of black court plaster4 ,the girl opened the box with a deliberation that was ominous1 but her face was unruffled as she noted the color of the contents and said3 ,i ast for flesh cullah1 an' you done give me skin cullah4 ,a cart containing a number of negro field hands was being drawn by a mule4 ,the driver1 a darky of about twenty1 was endeavoring to induce the mule to increase its speed1 when suddenly the animal let fly with its heels and dealt him such a kick on the head that he was stretched on the ground in a twinkling4 ,he lay rubbing his woolly pate where the mule had kicked him4 ,is he hurt8 asked a stranger anxiously of an older negro who had jumped from the conveyance and was standing over the prostrate driver4 ,no1 ,boss1 was the older man's reply2 dat mule will probably walk kind o' tendah for a day or two1 but he ain't hurt4 ,in certain parts of the ,west ,indies the negroes speak ,english with a broad brogue4 ,they are probably descended from the slaves of the ,irish adventurers who accompanied the ,spanish settlers4 ,a gentleman from ,dublin upon arriving at a ,west ,indian port was accosted by a burly negro fruit vender with1 ,th1 top uv th' mornin' to ye1 an' would ye be after wantin' to buy a bit o' fruit1 sor8 ,the ,irishman stared at him in amazement4 ,an' how long have ye been here8 he finally asked4 ,goin' on three months1 yer ,honor1 said the vender1 thinking of the time he had left his inland home4 ,three months1 is it8 ,only three months an' as black as thot8 ,faith1 ,i'll not land6 ,dinah1 crying bitterly1 was coming down the street with her feet bandaged4 ,why1 what on earth's the matter8 she was asked4 ,how did you hurt your feet1 ,dinah8 ,dat good fo' nothin' nigger sniffle done hit me on de haid wif a club while ,i was standin' on de hard stone pavement4 ',liza1 what fo' yo' buy dat udder box of shoe-blacknin'8 ,go on1 ,nigga'1 dat ain't shoe-blacknin'1 dat's ma massage cream6 ,johnny1 said the mother as she vigorously scrubbed the small boy's face with soap and water1 didn't ,i tell you never to blacken your face again8 ,here ,i've been scrubbing for half an hour and it won't come off4 ,i--,i--ouch6 sputtered the small boy2 ,i ain't your little boy4 ,i--ouch6 ,i'se ,mose1 de colored lady's little boy4 ,the day before she was to be married an old negro servant came to her mistress and intrusted her savings to her keeping4 ,why should ,i keep your money for you8 ,i thought you were going to be married8 said the mistress4 ,so ,i is1 ,missus1 but do you 'spose ,i'd keep all dis yer money in de house wid dat strange nigger8 ,a southern colonel had a colored valet by the name of ,george4 ,george received nearly all the colonel's cast-off clothing4 ,he had his eyes on a certain pair of light trousers which were not wearing out fast enough to suit him1 so he thought he would hasten matters somewhat by rubbing grease on one knee4 ,when the colonel saw the spot1 he called ,george and asked if he had noticed it4 ,george said1 ,yes1 sah1 ,colonel1 ,i noticed dat spot and tried mighty hard to get it out1 but ,i couldn't4 ,have you tried gasoline8 the colonel asked4 ,yes1 sah1 ,colonel1 but it didn't do no good4 ,have you tried brown paper and a hot iron8 ,yes1 sah1 ,colonel1 ,i'se done tried 'mos' everything ,i knows of1 but dat spot wouldn't come out4 ,well1 ,george1 have you tried ammonia8 the colonel asked as a last resort4 ,no1 sah1 ,colonel1 ,i ain't tried 'em on yet1 but ,i knows dey'll fit4 ,a negro went into a hardware shop and asked to be shown some razors1 and after critically examining those submitted to him the would-be purchaser was asked why he did not try a safety1 to which he replied3 ,i ain' lookin' for that kind4 ,i wants this for social purposes4 ,before a house where a colored man had died1 a small darkey was standing erect at one side of the door4 ,it was about time for the services to begin1 and the parson appeared from within and said to the darkey3 ,de services are about to begin4 ,aren't you a-gwine in8 ,i'se would if ,i'se could1 parson1 answered the little negro1 but yo' see ,i'se de crape4 ,see also ,chicken stealing4 ,,neighbors ,,the ,,man ,,at ,,the ,,door--,madame1 ,i'm the piano-tuner4 ,,the ,,woman--,i didn't send for a piano-tuner4 ,,the ,,man--,i know it1 lady2 the neighbors did4 ,,new ,,jersey ,you must have had a terrible experience with no food1 and mosquitoes swarming around you1 ,i said to the shipwrecked mariner who had been cast upon the ,jersey sands4 ,you just bet ,i had a terrible experience1 he acknowledged4 ,my experience was worse than that of the man who wrote ',water1 water everywhere1 but not a drop to drink4' ,with me it was bites1 bites everywhere1 but not a bite to eat4 ,,new ,,york ,,city ,at a convention of ,methodist ,bishops held in ,washington1 the ,bishop of ,new ,york made a stirring address extolling the powers and possibilities of his state4 ,bishop ,hamilton1 of ,california1 like all good ,californians1 is imbued with the conviction that it would be hard to equal a place he knows of on the ,pacific1 and following the ,bishop of ,new ,york he gave a glowing picture of ,california1 concluding3 ,not only is it the best place on earth to live in1 but it has superior advantages1 too1 as a place to die in2 for there we have at our threshold the beautiful ,golden ,gate1 while in ,new ,york they only have--well1 you know which gate it is over at ,new ,york6 ,one night ,dave ,warfield was playing at ,david ,belasco's new theatre1 supported by one of ,mr4 ,belasco's new companies4 ,the performance ran with a smoothness of a ,standard ,oil lawyer explaining rebates to a ,federal court4 ,a worthy person of the farming classes1 sitting in ,g #ad1 was plainly impressed4 ,in an interval between the acts he turned to the metropolitan who had the seat next him4 ,where do all them troopers come from8 he inquired4 ,i don't think ,i understand1 said the city-dweller4 ,i mean them actors up yonder on the stage1 explained the man from afar4 ,was they brought on specially for this show1 or do they live here8 ,i believe most of them live here in town1 said the ,new ,yorker4 ,well1 they do purty blamed well for home talent1 said the stranger4 ,a traveler in ,tennessee came across an aged negro seated in front of his cabin door basking in the sunshine4 ,he could have walked right on the stage for an ,uncle ,tom part without a line of makeup1 says the traveler4 ,he must have been eighty years of age4 ,good morning1 uncle1 says the stranger4 ,mornin'1 sah6 ,mornin'1 said the aged one4 ,then he added1 ,be you the gentleman over yonder from ,new ,york8 ,being told that such was the case the old darky said2 ,do you mind telling me something that has been botherin' my old haid8 ,i have got a grandson--he runs on the ,pullman cyars--and he done tell me that up thar in ,new ,york you-all burn up youah folks when they die4 ,he is a poherful liar1 and ,i don't believe him4 ,yes1 replied the other1 that is the truth in some cases4 ,we call it cremation4 ,well1 you suttenly surprise me1 said the negro and then he paused as if in deep reflection4 ,finally he said3 ,you-all know ,i am a ,baptist4 ,i believe in the resurrection and the life everlastin' and the coming of the ,angel ,gabriel and the blowin' of that great horn1 and ,lawdy me1 how am they evah goin' to find them folks on that great mawnin'8 ,it was too great a task for an offhand answer1 and the suggestion was made that the aged one consult his minister4 ,again the negro fell into a brown study1 and then he raised his head and his eyes twinkled merrily1 and he said in a soft voice3 ,meanin' no offense1 sah1 but from what ,ah have heard about ,new ,york ,i kinder calcerlate they is a lot of them ,new ,york people that doan' wanter be found on that mornin'4 ,,news ,soon after the installation of the telegraph in ,fredericksburg1 ,virginia1 a little darky1 the son of my father's mammy1 saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph wires and caught there4 ,running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement1 he cried1 ,miss ,liza1 come quick6 ,dem wires done buss and done let all the news out6--,sue ,m4,m4 ,halsey4 ,our whole neighborhood has been stirred up1 said the regular reader4 ,the editor of the country weekly seized his pen4 ,tell me about it1 he said4 ,what we want is news4 ,what stirred it up8 ,plowing1 said the farmer4 ,there is nothing new except what is forgotten4--,mademoiselle ,berlin4 ,,newspapers ,a kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said3 ,don't all those papers make you tired1 my boy8 ,naw1 ,i don't read 'em1 replied the lad4 ,,vox ,,populi--,do you think you've boosted your circulation by giving a year's subscription for the biggest potato raised in the county8 ,,the ,,editor--,mebbe not2 but ,i got four barrels of samples4 ,,colonel ,,highflyer--,what are your rates per column8 ,,editor ,,of ,,swell ,,society--,for insertion or suppression8--,life4 ,,editor--,you wish a position as a proofreader8 ,,applicant--,yes1 sir4 ,do you understand the requirements of that responsible position8 ,perfectly1 sir4 ,whenever you make any mistakes in the paper1 just blame 'em on me1 and ,i'll never say a word4 ,a prominent ,montana newspaper man was making the round of the insane asylum of that state in an official capacity as an inspector4 ,one of the inmates mistook him for a recent arrival4 ,what made you go crazy8 ,i was trying to make money out of the newspaper business1 replied the editor1 to humor the demented one4 ,rats1 you're not crazy2 you're just a plain darn fool1 was the lunatic's comment4 ,did you write this report on my lecture1 ',the ,curse of ,whiskey'8 ,yes1 madam4 ,then kindly explain what you mean by saying1 ',the lecturer was evidently full of her subject6' ,we clip the following for the benefit of those who doubt the power of the press3 ,owing to the overcrowded condition of our columns1 a number of births and deaths are unavoidably postponed this week4 ,binks has sued us for libel1 announced the assistant editor of the sensational paper4 ,the managing editor's face brightened4 ,tell him1 he said1 that if he will put up a strong fight we'll cheerfully pay the damages and charge them up to the advertising account4 ,booth ,tarkington says that in no state have the newspapers more journalistic enterprise than in his native ,indiana4 ,while stopping at a little ,hoosier hotel in the course of a hunting trip ,mr4 ,tarkington lost one of his dogs4 ,have you a newspaper in town8 he asked of the landlord4 ,right across the way1 there1 back of the shoemaker's1 the landlord told him4 ,the ,daily ,news--best little paper of its size in the state4 ,the editor1 the printer1 and the printer's devil were all busy doing justice to ,mr4 ,tarkington with an in-our-midst paragraph when the novelist arrived4 ,i've just lost a dog1 ,tarkington explained after he had introduced himself1 and ,i'd like to have you insert this ad for me3 ',fifty dollars reward for the return of a pointer dog answering to the name of ,rex4 ,disappeared from the yard of the ,mansion ,house ,monday night4' ,why1 we are just going to press1 sir1 the editor said1 but we'll be only too glad to hold the edition for your ad4 ,mr4 ,tarkington returned to the hotel4 ,after a few minutes he decided1 however1 that it might be well to add1 ,no questions asked to his advertisement1 and returned to the ,daily ,news office4 ,the place was deserted1 save for the skinny little freckle-faced devil1 who sat perched on a high stool1 gazing wistfully out of the window4 ,where is everybody8 ,tarkington asked4 ,gawn to hunt for th' dawg1 replied the boy4 ,you are the greatest inventor in the world1 exclaimed a newspaper man to ,alexander ,graham ,bell4 ,oh1 no1 my friend1 ,i'm not1 said ,professor ,bell4 ,i've never been a reporter4 ,not long ago a city editor in ,ottumwa1 ,iowa1 was told over the telephone that a prominent citizen had just died suddenly4 ,he called a reporter and told him to rush out and get the story4 ,twenty minutes later the reporter returned1 sat down at his desk1 and began to rattle off copy on his typewriter4 ,well1 what about it8 asked the city editor4 ,oh1 nothing much1 replied the reporter1 without looking up4 ,he was walking along the street when he suddenly clasped his hands to his heart and said1 ',i'm going to die6' ,then he leaned up against a fence and made good4 ,enraged over something the local newspaper had printed about him1 a subscriber burst into the editor's office in search of the responsible reporter4 ,who are you8 he demanded1 glaring at the editor1 who was also the main stockholder4 ,i'm the newspaper1 was the calm reply4 ,and who are you8 he next inquired1 turning his resentful gaze on the chocolate-colored office-devil clearing out the waste basket4 ,me8 rejoined the darky1 grinning from ear to ear4 ,ah guess ah's de cul'ud supplement4 ,four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets4--,napoleon ,i4 ,newspapers always excite curiosity4 ,no one ever lays one down without a feeling of disappointment4--,charles ,lamb4 ,,obesity ,see ,corpulence4 ,,obituaries ,if you have frequent fainting spells1 accompanied by chills1 cramps1 corns1 bunions1 chilblains1 epilepsy and jaundice1 it is a sign that you are not well1 but liable to die any minute4 ,pay your subscription in advance and thus make yourself solid for a good obituary notice4--,mountain ,echo4 ,see also ,epitaphs4 ,,observation ,in his daily half hour confidential talk with his boy an ambitious father tried to give some good advice4 ,be observing1 my son1 said the father on one occasion4 ,cultivate the habit of seeing1 and you will be a successful man4 ,study things and remember them4 ,don't go through the world blindly4 ,learn to use your eyes4 ,boys who are observing know a great deal more than those who are not4 ,willie listened in silence4 ,several days later when the entire family1 consisting of his mother1 aunt and uncle1 were present1 his father said3 ,well1 ,willie1 have you kept using your eyes as ,i advised you to do8 ,willie nodded1 and after a moment's hesitation said3 ,i've seen a few things right around the house4 ,uncle ,jim's got a bottle of hair dye hid under his trunk1 ,aunt ,jennie's got an extra set of teeth in her dresser1 ,ma's got some curls in her hat1 and ,pa's got a deck of cards and a box of chips behind the books in the secretary4 ,,occupations ,mrs4 ,hennessey1 who was a late arrival in the neighborhood1 was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon1 when the latter inquired3 ,an' what does your old man do1 ,mrs4 ,hennessey8 ,sure1 he's a di'mond-cuttter4 ,ye don't mane it6 ,yis2 he cuts th' grass off th' baseball grounds4--,l4,f4 ,clarke4 ,all business men are apt to use the technical terms of their daily labors in situations outside of working hours4 ,one time a railroad man was entertaining his pastor at dinner and his sons1 who had to wait until their elders had finished got into mischief4 ,at the end of the meal1 their father excused himself for a moment saying he had to switch some empties4 ,professor1 said ,miss ,skylight1 ,i want you to suggest a course in life for me4 ,i have thought of journalism-- ,what are your own inclinations8 ,oh1 my soul yearns and throbs and pulsates with an ambition to give the world a life-work that shall be marvelous in its scope1 and weirdly entrancing in the vastness of its structural beauty6 ,woman1 you're born to be a milliner4 ,a woman1 when asked her husband's occupation1 said he was a mixologist4 ,the city directory called him a bartender4 ,a good turkey dinner and mince pie1 said a well-known after-dinner orator1 always puts us in a lethargic mood--makes us feel1 in fact1 like the natives of ,nola ,chucky4 ,in ,nola ,chucky one day ,i said to a man3 ',what is the principal occupation of this town8' ',wall1 boss1' the man answered1 yawning1 'in winter they mostly sets on the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west1 and in summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the east4' ,,jones--,how'd this happen8 ,the last time ,i was here you were running a fish-market1 and now you've got a cheese-shop4 ,,smith--,yes4 ,well1 you see the doctor said ,i needed a change of air4 ,the ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure4 ,now1 if ,i were a grave-digger1 or even a hangman1 there are some people ,i could work for with a great deal of enjoyment--,douglas ,jerrold4 ,,ocean ,a resident of ,nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from ,boston4 ,did you sleep well1 ,mary8 the girl was asked the following morning4 ,sure1 ,i did not1 ma'am1 was the reply2 the snorin' of the ocean kept me awake all night4 ,love the sea8 ,i dote upon it--from the beach4--,douglas ,jerrold4 ,i never was on the dull1 tame shore1 ,but ,i loved the great sea more and more4 --,barry ,cornwall4 ,,office ,,boys ,have you had any experience as an office-boy8 ,i should say ,i had1 mister2 why1 ,i'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now4 ,,office-,,seekers ,a gentleman1 not at all wealthy1 who had at one time represented in ,congress1 through a couple of terms a district not far from the national capitol1 moved to ,california where in a year or so he rose to be sufficiently prominent to become a congressional subject1 and he was visited by the central committee of his district to be talked to4 ,we want you1 said the spokesman1 to accept the nomination for ,congress4 ,i can't do it1 gentlemen1 he responded promptly4 ,you must1 the spokesman demanded4 ,but ,i can't1 he insisted4 ,i'm too poor4 ,oh1 that will be all right2 we've got plenty of money for the campaign4 ,but that is nothing1 contended the gentleman2 it's the expense in ,washington4 ,i've been there1 and know all about it4 ,well you didn't lose by it1 and it doesn't cost any more because you come from ,california4 ,the gentleman became very earnest4 ,doesn't it8 he exclaimed in a business-like tone4 ,why my dear sirs1 ,i used to have to send home every month about half a dozen busted office-seeker constituents1 and the fare was only #c apiece1 and ,i could stand it1 but it would cost me over #ajj a head to send them out here1 and ,i'm no millionaire2 therefore1 as much as ,i regret it1 ,i must insist on declining4 ,on a trip to ,washington1 said ,col4 ,w4,f4 ,cody4 ,i had for a companion ,sousa1 the band leader4 ,we had berths opposite each other4 ,early one morning as we approached the capital ,i thought ,i would have a little fun4 ,i got a morning paper1 and1 after rustling it a few minutes1 ,i said to ,sousa3 ',that's the greatest order ,cleveland has just issued6' ',what's that8' came from the opposite berth4 ',why he's ordered all the office-seekers rounded up at the depot and sent home4' ,you should have seen the general consternation that ensued4 ,from almost every berth on the car a head came out from between the curtains1 and with one accord nearly every man shouted3 ',what's that8' ,,old ,,age ,see ,age4 ,,old ,,masters ,see ,paintings4 ,,onions ,can the ,burbanks of the glorious ,west ,either make or buy or sell ,an onion with an onion's taste ,but with a violet's smell8 ,,she--,they say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away4 ,,he--,why stop there8 ,an onion a day will keep everybody away4 ,,opera ,which do you consider the most melodious ,wagnerian opera8 asked ,mrs4 ,cumrox4 ,there are several ,i haven't heard1 aren't there8 rejoined her husband4 ,yes4 ,then ,i guess it's one of them4 ,,opportunity ,many a man creates his own lack of opportunities4--,life4 ,who seeks1 and will not take when once 'tis offer'd1 ,shall never find it more4 --,shakespeare4 ,in life's small things be resolute and great ,to keep thy muscles trained2 know'st thou when fate ,thy measure takes8 or when she'll say to thee1 ,i find thee worthy1 do this thing for me6 --,emerson4 ,,optimism ,optimism is ,worry on a spree4--,judge4 ,an optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him4 ,an optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him4--,j4,j4 ,o',connell4 ,an optimist is a woman who thinks that everything is for the best1 and that she is the best4-,judge4 ,a political optimist is a fellow who can make sweet1 pink lemonade out of the bitter yellow fruit which his opponents hand him4 ,mayor ,william ,s4 ,jordan1 at a ,democratic banquet in ,jacksonville1 said of optimism3 ,let us cultivate optimism and hopefulness4 ,there is nothing like it4 ,the optimistic man can see a bright side to everything--everything4 ,a missionary in a slum once laid his hand on a man's shoulder and said3 ',friend1 do you hear the solemn ticking of that clock8 ,tick-tack2 tick-tack4 ,and oh1 friend1 do you know what day it inexorably and relentlessly brings nearer8 ',yes-pay day1' the other1 an honest1 optimistic workingman1 replied4 ,a ,scotsman who has a keen appreciation of the strong characteristics of his countrymen delights in the story of a druggist known both for his thrift and his philosophy4 ,once he was aroused from a deep sleep by the ringing of his night bell4 ,he went down to his little shop and sold a dose of rather nauseous medicine to a distressed customer4 ,what profit do you make out of that8 grumbled his wife4 ,a ha'penny1 was the cheerful answer4 ,and for that bit of money you'll lie awake maybe an hour1 she said impatiently4 ,never grumble o'er that1 woman1 was his placid answer4 ,the dose will keep him awake all night4 ,we must thank heaven we ha' the profit and none o' the pain o' this transaction4 ,a ,german shoemaker left the gas turned on in his shop one night and upon arriving in the morning struck a match to light it4 ,there was a terrific explosion1 and the shoemaker was blown out through the door almost to the middle of the street4 ,a passer-by rushed to his assistance1 and1 after helping him to rise1 inquired if he was injured4 ,the little ,german gazed at his place of business1 which was now burning quite briskly1 and said3 ,no1 ,i ain't hurt4 ,but ,i got out shust in time1 eh8 ,my own hope is1 a sun will pierce ,the thickest cloud earth ever stretched2 ,that1 after ,last1 returns the ,first1 ,tho' a wide compass round be fetched2 ,that what began best1 can't prove worst1 ,nor what ,god blessed once1 prove accursed4 --,browning4 ,,orators ,it is narrated that ,colonel ,breckenridge1 meeting ,majah ,buffo'd on the streets of ,lexington one day asked3 ,what's the meaning1 suh1 of the conco's befor' the co't house8 ,to which the majah replied3 ,general ,buckneh is making a speech4 ,general ,buckneh suh1 is a bo'n oratah4 ,what do you mean by bo'n oratah8 ,if you or ,i1 suh1 were asked how much two and two make1 we would reply 'foh4' ,when this is asked of a bo'n oratah1 he replies3 ',when in the co'se of human events it becomes necessary to take an integah of the second denomination and add it1 suh1 to an integah of the same denomination1 the result1 suh--and ,i have the science of mathematics to back me up in my judgment--the result1 suh1 and ,i say it without feah of successful contradiction1 suh-the result is fo'' ,that's a bo'n oratah4 ,when ,demosthenes was asked what was the first part of ,oratory1 he answered1 ,action1 and which was the second1 he replied1 ,action1 and which was the third1 he still answered ,action4--,plutarch4 ,,outdoor ,,life ,one day1 in the spring of '#gd1 ,cap ,smith's freight outfit pulled into ,helena1 ,montana4 ,after unloading the freight1 the mule-skinners1 to a man1 repaired to the ,combination ,gambling ,house and proceeded to load themselves4 ,late in the afternoon1 ,zeb ,white1 ,smith's oldest skinner1 having exchanged all of his hard coin for liquid refreshment1 zigzagged into the corral1 crawled under a wagon1 and went to sleep4 ,after supper1 ,smith1 making his nightly rounds1 happened on the sleeping ,zeb4 ,kinder chilly1 ain't it8 he asked1 after earnestly prodding ,zeb with a convenient stick4 ,i reckon 'tis1 ,zeb drowsily mumbled4 ,ain't yer 'fraid ye'll freeze8 ',tis cold1 ain't it8 ,say1 ,cap1 jest throw on another wagon1 will yer8 ,,painting ,see ,art4 ,,paintings ,she had engaged a maid recently from the country1 and was now employed in showing her newly acquired treasure over the house and enlightening her in regard to various duties1 etc4 ,at last they reached the best room4 ,these1 said the mistress of the house1 pausing before an extensive row of masculine portraits1 are very valuable1 and you must be very careful when dusting4 ,they are old masters4 ,mary's jaw dropped1 and a look of intense wonder overspread her rubicund face4 ,lor'1 mum1 she gasped1 gazing with bulging eyes on the face of her new employer1 lor'1 mum1 who'd ever 'ave thought you'd been married all these times6 ,a picture is a poem without words4--,cornificus4 ,,panics ,one night at a theatre some scenery took fire1 and a very perceptible odor of burning alarmed the spectators4 ,a panic seemed to be imminent1 when an actor appeared on the stage4 ,ladies and gentlemen1 he said1 compose yourselves4 ,there is no danger4 ,the audience did not seem reassured4 ,ladies and gentlemen1 continued the comedian1 rising to the necessity of the occasion1 confound it all--do you think if there was any danger ,i'd be here8 ,the panic collapsed4 ,,parents ,william1 aged five1 had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house4 ,he sulked awhile1 then went to his mother1 and1 patting her on the cheeks1 said1 ,mother dear1 ,i love you4 ,don't you love me too8 asked his father4 ,without glancing at him1 ,william said disdainfully1 ,the wire's busy4 ,what does your mother say when you tell her those dreadful lies8 ,she says ,i take after father4 ,a little lad was desperately ill1 but refused to take the medicine the doctor had left4 ,at last his mother gave him up4 ,oh1 my boy will die2 my boy will die1 she sobbed4 ,but a voice spoke from the bed1 ,don't cry1 mother4 ,father'll be home soon and he'll make me take it4 ,mrs4 ,white was undoubtedly the disciplinarian of the family4 ,the master of the house1 a professor1 and consequently a very busy man1 was regarded by the children as one of themselves1 subject to the laws of ,mother4 ,mrs4 ,white had been ill for some weeks and although the father felt that the children were showing evidence of running wild1 he seemed powerless to correct the fault4 ,one evening at dinner1 however1 he felt obliged to reprimand ,marion severely4 ,marion1 he said1 sternly1 stop that at once1 or ,i shall take you from the table and punish you soundly4 ,he experienced a feeling of profound satisfaction in being able to thus reprove when it was necessary and glanced across the table expecting to see a very demure little miss4 ,instead1 ,marion and her little brother exchanged glances and then simultaneously a grin overspread their faces1 while ,marion said in a mirthful tone3 ,oh1 ,francis1 hear father trying to talk like mother6 ,robert has lately acquired a stepmother4 ,hoping to win his affection this new parent has been very lenient with him1 while his father1 feeling his responsibility1 has been unusually strict4 ,the boys of the neighborhood1 who had taken pains to warn ,robert of the terrible character of stepmothers in general1 recently waited on him in a body1 and the following conversation was overheard3 ,how do you like your stepmother1 ,bob8 ,like her6 ,why fellers1 ,i just love her4 ,all ,i wish is ,i had a stepfather1 too4 ,well1 ,bobby1 what do you want to be when you grow up8 ,,bobby 7remembering private seance in the wood-shed7--,a orphan4 ,little ,eleanor's mother was an ,american1 while her father was a ,german4 ,one day1 after ,eleanor had been subjected to rather severe disciplinary measures at the hands of her father1 she called her mother into another room1 closed the door significantly1 and said3 ,mother1 ,i don't want to meddle in your business1 but ,i wish you'd send that husband of yours back to ,germany4 ,the lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a brief4 ,so bent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as it was pushed gently open1 nor see the curly head that was thrust into his office4 ,a little sob attracted his notice1 and1 turning he saw a face that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had been hurt4 ,well1 my little man1 did you want to see me8 ,are you a lawyer8 ,yes4 ,what do you want8 ,i want--and there was resolute ring in his voice--,i want a divorce from my papa and mama4 ,,parrots ,pat had but a limited knowledge of the bird kingdom4 ,one day1 walking down the street1 he noticed a green bird in a cage1 talking and singing4 ,thinking to pet it he stroked its head4 ,the bird turned quickly1 screaming1 ,hello6 ,what do you want8 ,pat shied off like a frightened horse1 lifting his hat and bowing politely as he stuttered out3 ,ex-excuse me s-sir1 ,i thought you was a burrd6 ,,partnership ,a ,west ,virginia darky1 a blacksmith1 recently announced a change in his business as follows3 ,notice--,de co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and ,mose ,skinner is hereby resolved4 ,dem what owe de firm will settle wid me1 and dem what de firm owes will settle wid ,mose4 ,,passwords ,i want to change my password1 said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box4 ,very well1 replied the man in charge4 ,what is the old one8 ,gladys4 ,and what do you wish the new one to be8 ,mabel4 ,gladys has gone to ,reno4 ,senator ,tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around the ,capitol for a while1 and then1 having some work to do on the floor1 conducted him to the ,senate gallery4 ,after an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and said3 ,my name is ,swate4 ,i am a friend of ,senator ,tillman4 ,he brought me here and ,i want to go out and look around a bit4 ,i though ,i would tell you so ,i can get back in4 ,that's all right1 said the doorkeeper1 but ,i may not be here when you return4 ,in order to prevent any mistake ,i will give you the password so you can get your seat again4 ,swate's eyes rather popped out at this4 ,what's the word8 he asked4 ,idiosyncrasy4 ,what8 ,idiosyncrasy4 ,i guess ,i'll stay in1 said ,swate4 ,,patience ,your husband seems to be very impatient lately4 ,yes1 he is1 very4 ,what is the matter with him8 ,he is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently hour after hour waiting for a fish to nibble at his bait4 ,,patriotism ,general ,gordon1 the ,confederate commander1 used to tell the following story3 ,he was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier1 his clothing in rags1 a shoe lacking1 his head bandaged1 and his arm in a sling1 passed him4 ,he was soliloquizing in this manner3 ,i love my country4 ,i'd fight for my country4 ,i'd starve and go thirsty for my country4 ,i'd die for my country4 ,but if ever this damn war is over ,i'll never love another country6 ,a snobbish young ,englishman visiting ,washington's home at ,mount ,vernon was so patronizing as to arouse the wrath of guards and caretakers2 but it remained for ,shep ,wright1 an aged gardener and one of the first scouts of the ,confederate army1 to settle the gentleman4 ,approaching ,shep1 the ,englishman said3 ,ah--er--my man1 the hedge6 ,yes1 ,i see1 ,george got this hedge from dear old ,england4 ,reckon he did1 replied ,shep4 ,he got this whole blooming country from ,england4 ,speaking of the policy of the ,government of the ,united ,states with respect to its troublesome neighbors in ,central and ,south ,america1 ,uncle ,joe ,cannon told of a ,missouri congressman who is decidedly opposed to any interference in this regard by our country4 ,it seems that this spring the ,missourian met an ,englishman at ,washington with whom he conversed touching affairs in the localities mentioned4 ,the westerner asserted his usual views with considerable forcefulness1 winding up with this observation3 ,the whole trouble is that we ,americans need a ---- good licking6 ,you do1 indeed6 promptly asserted the ,britisher1 as if pleased by the admission4 ,but his exultation was of brief duration1 for the ,missouri man immediately concluded with3 ,but there ain't nobody can do it6 ,a number of ,confederate prisoners1 during the ,civil ,war1 were detained at one of the western military posts under conditions much less unpleasant than those to be found in the ordinary military prison4 ,most of them appreciated their comparatively good fortune4 ,one young fellow1 though1 could not be reconciled to association with ,yankees under any circumstances1 and took advantage of every opportunity to express his feelings4 ,he was continually rubbing it in about the battle of ,chickamauga1 which had just been fought with such disastrous results for the ,union forces4 ,maybe we didn't eat you up at ,chickamauga6 was the way he generally greeted a bluecoat4 ,the ,union men1 when they could stand it no longer1 reported the matter to ,general ,grant4 ,grant summoned the prisoner4 ,see here1 said ,grant1 ,i understand that you are continually insulting the men here with reference to the battle of ,chickamauga4 ,they have borne with you long enough1 and ,i'm going to give you your choice of two things4 ,you will either take the oath of allegiance to the ,united ,states1 or be sent to a ,northern prison4 ,choose4 ,the prisoner was silent for some time4 ,well1 he said at last1 in a resigned tone1 ,i reckon1 ,general1 ,i'll take the oath4 ,the oath was duly administered4 ,turning to ,grant1 the fellow then asked1 very penitently1 if he might speak4 ,yes1 said the general indifferently4 ,what is it8 ,why1 ,i was just thinkin'1 ,general1 he drawled1 they certainly did give us hell at ,chickamauga4 ,historical controversies are creeping into the schools4 ,in a ,new ,york public institution attended by many races1 during an examination in history the teacher asked a little chap who discovered ,america4 ,he was evidently thrown into a panic and hesitated1 much to the teacher's surprise1 to make any reply4 ,oh1 please1 ma'am1 he finally stammered1 ask me somethin' else4 ,something else1 ,jimmy8 ,why should ,i do that8 ,the fellers was talkin' 'bout it yesterday1 replied ,jimmy1 ,pat ,mc,gee said it was discovered by an ,irish saint4 ,olaf1 he said it was a sailor from ,norway1 and ,giovanni said it was ,columbus1 an' if you'd a-seen what happened you wouldn't ask a little feller like me4 ,our country6 ,when right to be kept right2 when wrong to be put right6--,carl ,schurz4 ,our country6 ,in her intercourse with foreign nations1 may she always be in the right2 but our country1 right or wrong4--,stephen ,decatur4 ,there are no points of the compass on the chart of true patriotism4--,robert ,c4 ,winthrop4 ,patriotic exercises and flag worship will avail nothing unless the states give to their people of the kind of government that arouses patriotism4--,franklin ,pierce ,,ii4 ,,pensions ,,willis--,i wonder if there will ever be universal peace4 ,,gillis--,sure4 ,all they've got to do is to get the nations to agree that in case of war the winner pays the pensions4--,puck4 ,why was it you never married again1 ,aunt ,sallie8 inquired ,mrs4 ,mc,clane of an old colored woman in ,west ,virginia4 ',deed1 ,miss ,ellie1 replied the old woman earnestly1 dat daid nigger's wuth moah to me dan a live one4 ,i gits a pension4--,edith ,howell ,armor4 ,if ,england had a system of pensions like ours1 we should see that all that was left of the ,noble ,six ,hundred was six thousand pensioners4 ,,pessimism ,a pessimist is a man who lives with an optimist4--,francis ,wilson4 ,how happy are the ,pessimists6 ,a bliss without alloy ,is theirs when they have proved to us ,there's no such thing as joy6 --,harold ,susman4 ,a pessimist is one who1 of two evils1 chooses them both4 ,i had a mighty queer surprise this morning1 remarked a local stock broker4 ,i put on my last summer's thin suit on account of this extraordinary hot weather1 and in one of the trousers pockets ,i found a big roll of bills which ,i had entirely forgotten4 ,were any of them receipted8 asked a pessimist4 ,to tell men that they cannot help themselves is to fling them into recklessness and despair4--,fronde4 ,with earth's first clay they did the last man knead1 ,and there of the last harvest sowed the seed3 ,and the first morning of creation wrote ,what the last dawn of reckoning shall read4 ,yesterday this day's madness did prepare2 ,tomorrow's silence1 triumph1 or despair4 ,drink6 ,for you know not whence you came1 nor why2 ,drink6 ,for you know not why you go1 nor where4 --,omar ,khayyam ,,philadelphia ,a ,staten ,island man1 when the mosquitoes began to get busy in the borough across the bay1 has been in the habit every summer of transplanting his family to the ,delaware ,water ,gap for a few weeks4 ,they were discussing their plans the other day1 when the oldest boy1 aged eight1 looked up from his geography and said3 ,pop1 ,philadelphia is on the ,delaware ,river1 isn't it8 ,pop replied that such was the case4 ,i wonder if that's what makes the ,delaware ,water ,gap8 insinuated the youngster4--,s4,s4 ,stinson4 ,among the guests at an informal dinner in ,new ,york was a bright ,philadelphia girl4 ,these are snails1 said a gentleman next to her1 when the dainty was served4 ,i suppose ,philadelphia people don't eat them for fear of cannibalism4 ,oh1 no1 was her instant reply2 it isn't that4 ,we couldn't catch them4 ,,philanthropists ,little grains of short weight1 ,little crooked twists1 ,fill the land with magnates ,and philanthropists4 ,see also ,charity4 ,,philosophy ,philosophy is finding out how many things there are in the world which you can't have if you want them1 and don't want if you can have them4--,puck4 ,,physicians ,,and ,,surgeons ,the eight-year-old son of a ,baltimore physician1 together with a friend1 was playing in his father's office1 during the absence of the doctor1 when suddenly the first lad threw open a closet door and disclosed to the terrified gaze of his little friend an articulated skeleton4 ,when the visitor had sufficiently recovered from his shock to stand the announcement the doctor's son explained that his father was extremely proud of that skeleton4 ,is he8 asked the other4 ,why8 ,i don't know1 was the answer2 maybe it was his first patient4 ,the doctor stood by the bedside1 and looked gravely down at the sick man4 ,i can not hide from you the fact that you are very ill1 he said4 ,is there any one you would like to see8 ,yes1 said the sufferer faintly4 ,who is it8 ,another doctor4--,judge4 ,doctor1 ,i want you to look after my office while ,i'm on my vacation4 ,but ,i've just graduated1 doctor4 ,have had no experience4 ,that's all right1 my boy4 ,my practice is strictly fashionable4 ,tell the men to play golf and ship the lady patients off to ,europe4 ,an old darky once lay seriously ill of fever and was treated for a long time by one doctor1 and then another doctor1 for some reason1 came and took the first one's place4 ,the second physician made a thorough examination of the patient4 ,at the end he said1 ,did the other doctor take your temperature8 ,ah dunno1 sah1 the patient answered4 ,ah hain't missed nuthin' so far but mah watch4 ,there had been an epidemic of colds in the town1 and one physician who had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient--an ,irishman--who was suffering from pneumonia1 and as he leaned over to hear the patient's respiration he called upon ,pat to count4 ,the doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep1 with his ear on the sick man's chest4 ,it seemed but a minute when he suddenly awoke to hear ,pat still counting3 ,tin thousand an' sivinty-six1 tin thousand an' sivinty-sivin-- ,,first ,,doctor--,i operated on him for appendicitis4 ,,second ,,doctor--,what was the matter with him8--,life4 ,,fussy ,,lady ,,patient--,i was suffering so much1 doctor1 that ,i wanted to die4 ,,doctor--,you did right to call me in1 dear lady4 ,,medical ,,student--,what did you operate on that man for8 ,,eminent ,,surgeon--,two hundred dollars4 ,,medical ,,student--,i mean what did he have8 ,,eminent ,,surgeon--,two hundred dollars4 ,the three degrees in medical treatment--,positive1 ill2 comparative1 pill2 superlative1 bill4 ,what caused the coolness between you and that young doctor8 ,i thought you were engaged4 ,his writing is rather illegible4 ,he sent me a note calling for #aj1jjj kisses4 ,well8 ,i thought it was a prescription1 and took it to the druggist to be filled4 ,a tourist while traveling in the north of ,scotland1 far away from anywhere1 exclaimed to one of the natives3 ,why1 what do you do when any of you are ill8 ,you can never get a doctor4 ,nae1 sir1 replied ,sandy4 ,we've jist to dee a naitural death4 ,when the physician gives you medicine and tells you to take it1 you take it4 ,yours not to reason why2 yours but to do and die4 ,physicians1 of all men1 are most happy3 whatever good success soever they have1 the world proclaimeth2 and what faults they commit1 the earth covereth4--,quarles4 ,this is the way that physicians mend or end us1 ,secundum artem3 but although we sneer ,in health--when ill1 we call them to attend us1 ,without the least propensity to jeer4 --,byron4 ,see also ,bills4 ,,pickpockets ,see ,thieves2 ,wives4 ,,pins ,oh1 dear6 sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party1 ,i can't find a pin anywhere4 ,i wonder where all the pins go to1 anyway8 ,that's a difficult question to answer1 replied her husband1 because they are always pointed in one direction and headed in another4 ,,pittsburg ,how about that airship8 ,it went up in smoke4 ,burned1 eh8 ,oh1 no4 ,made an ascension at ,pittsburg4 ,,skybough--,why have you put that vacuum cleaner in front of your airship8 ,,kloudleigh--,to clear a path4 ,i have an engagement to sail over ,pittsburg4 ,a man just back from ,south ,america was describing a volcanic disturbance4 ,i was smoking a cigar before the door of my hotel1 said he1 when ,i was startled by a rather violent earthquake4 ,the next instant the sun was obscured and darkness settled over the city4 ,looking in the direction of the distant volcano1 ,i saw heavy clouds of smoke rolling from it1 with an occasional tongue of flame flashing against the dark sky4 ,some of the natives about me were on their knees praying2 others darted aimlessly about1 crazed with terror and shouting for mercy4 ,the landlord of the hotel rushed out and seized me by the arm4 ',to the harbor6' he cried in my ear4 ,together we hurried down the narrow street4 ,as we panted along1 the dark smoke whirled in our faces1 and a dangerous shower of red-hot cinders sizzled about us4 ,do you know1 ,i don't believe ,i was ever so homesick in all my life6 ,homesick8 gasped the listener4 ,homesick at a time like that8 ,sure4 ,i live in ,pittsburg1 you know4 ,,play ,the mother heard a great commotion1 as of cyclones mixed up with battering-rams1 and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the matter4 ,there she found ,tommie sitting in the middle of the floor with a broad smile on his face4 ,oh1 ,mama1 said he delightedly1 ,i've locked ,grandpa and ,uncle ,george in the cupboard1 and when they get a little angrier ,i am going to play ,daniel in the lion's den4 ,,pleasure ,,billy--,huh6 ,i bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday4 ,,willie--,i bet ,i did4 ,,billy--,then why ain't you sick today8 ,winnie had been very naughty1 and her mamma said3 ,don't you know you will never go to ,heaven if you are so naughty8 ,after thinking a moment she said3 ,oh1 well1 ,i have been to the circus once and ',uncle ,tom's ,cabin' twice4 ,i can't expect to go everywhere4 ,in ,concord1 ,new ,hampshire1 they tell of an old chap who made his wife keep a cash account4 ,each week he would go over it1 growling and grumbling4 ,on one such occasion he delivered himself of the following3 ,look here1 ,sarah1 mustard-plasters1 fifty cents2 three teeth extracted1 two dollars6 ,there's two dollars and a half in one week spent for your own private pleasure4 ,do you think ,i am made of money8 ,here's to beauty1 wit and wine and to a full stomach1 a full purse and a light heart4 ,a dinner1 coffee and cigars1 ,of friends1 a half a score4 ,each favorite vintage in its turn1-- ,what man could wish for more8 ,the roses of pleasure seldom last long enough to adorn the brow of him who plucks them2 for they are the only roses which do not retain their sweetness after they have lost their beauty4--,hannah ,more4 ,see also ,amusements4 ,,poetry ,poetry is a gift we are told1 but most editors won't take it even at that4 ,,poets ,,editor--,have you submitted this poem anywhere else8 ,,jokesmith--,no1 sir4 ,,editor--,then where did you get that black eye8--,satire4 ,why is it1 asked the persistent poetess1 that you always insist that we write on one side of the paper only8 ,why not on both8 ,in that moment the editor experienced an access of courage--courage to protest against the accumulated wrongs of his kind4 ,one side of the paper1 madame1 he made answer1 is in the nature of a compromise4 ,a compromise8 ,a compromise4 ,what we really desire1 if we could have our way1 is not one1 or both1 but neither4 ,sir ,lewis ,morris was complaining to ,oscar ,wilde about the neglect of his poems by the press4 ,it is a complete conspiracy of silence against me1 a conspiracy of silence4 ,what ought ,i to do1 ,oscar8 ,join it1 replied ,wilde4 ,god's prophets of the ,beautiful1 ,these ,poets were4 --,e4,b4 ,browning4 ,we call those poets who are first to mark ,through earth's dull mist the coming of the dawn1-- ,who see in twilight's gloom the first pale spark1 ,while others only note that day is gone4 --,o4,w4 ,holmes4 ,,police ,a man who was wanted in ,russia had been photographed in six different positions1 and the pictures duly circulated among the police department4 ,a few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters3 ,sir1 ,i have duly received the portraits of the six miscreants4 ,i have arrested five of them1 and the sixth will be secured shortly4 ,i had a message from the ,black ,hand1 said the resident of ,graftburg4 ,they told me to leave #b1jjj in a vacant house in a certain street4 ,did you tell the police8 ,right away4 ,what did they do8 ,they said that while ,i was about it ,i might leave them a couple of thousand in the same place4 ,recipe for a policeman3 ,to a quart of boiling temper add a pint of ,irish stew ,together with cracked nuts1 long beats and slugs2 ,serve hot with mangled citizens who ask the time of day-- ,the receipt is much the same for making thugs4 --,life4 ,see also ,servants4 ,,politeness ,see ,courtesy2 ,etiquet4 ,,political ,,parties ,,zoo ,,superintendent--,what was all the rumpus out there this morning8 ,,attendant--,the bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their feed4 ,what happened8 ,the donkey ate it4--,life4 ,,politicians ,politicians always belong to the opposite party4 ,the man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into politics4--,life4 ,a political orator1 evidently better acquainted with western geography than with the language of the ,greeks1 recently exclaimed with fervor that his principles should prevail from ,alpha to ,omaha4 ,,politician--,congratulate me1 my dear1 ,i've won the nomination4 ,,his ,,wife 7in surprise7--,honestly8 ,,politician--,now what in thunder did you want to bring up that point for8 ,what makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician8 asked the young mother1 anxiously4 ,i'll tell you1 answered the young father1 confidently2 he can say more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid ,i ever saw4 ,the mere proposal to set the politician to watch the capitalist has been disturbed by the rather disconcerting discovery that they are both the same man4 ,we are past the point where being a capitalist is the only way of becoming a politician1 and we are dangerously near the point where being a politician is much the quickest way of becoming a capitalist4--,g4,k4 ,chesterton4 ,at a political meeting the speakers and the audience were much annoyed and disturbed by a man who constantly called out3 ,mr4 ,henry6 ,henry1 ,henry1 ,henry6 ,i call for ,mr4 ,henry6 ,after several interruptions of this kind during each speech1 a young man ascended the platform1 and began an eloquent and impassioned speech in which he handled the issues of the day with easy familiarity4 ,he was in the midst of a glowing period when suddenly the old cry echoed through the hall3 ,mr4 ,henry6 ,henry1 ,henry1 ,henry6 ,i call for ,mr4 ,henry6 ,with a word to the speaker1 the chairman stepped to the front of the platform and remarked that it would oblige the audience very much if the gentleman in the rear of the hall would refrain from any further calls for ,mr4 ,henry1 as that gentleman was then addressing the meeting4 ,mr4 ,henry8 ,is that ,mr4 ,henry8 came in astonished tones from the rear4 ,thunder6 that can't be him4 ,why1 that's the young man that asked me to call for ,mr4 ,henry4 ,a political speaker1 while making a speech1 paused in the midst of it and exclaimed3 ,now gentlemen1 what do you think8 ,a man rose in the assembly1 and with one eye partially closed1 replied modestly1 with a strong ,scotch brogue3 ,i think1 sir1 ,i do1 indeed1 sir--,i think if you and ,i were to stump the country together we could tell more lies than any other two men in the country1 sir1 and ,i'd not say a word myself during the whole time1 sir4 ,the ,rev4 ,dr4 ,biddell tells a lively story about a ,presbyterian minister who had a young son1 a lad about ten years of age4 ,he was endeavoring to bring him up in the way he should go1 and was one day asked by a friend what he intended to make of him4 ,in reply he said3 ,i am watching the indications4 ,i have a plan which ,i propose trying with the boy4 ,it is this3 ,i am going to place in my parlor a ,bible1 an apple and a silver dollar4 ,then ,i am going to leave the room and call in the boy4 ,i am going to watch him from some convenient place without letting him know that he is seen4 ,then1 if he chooses the ,bible1 ,i shall make a preacher of him2 if he takes the apple1 a farmer he shall be2 but if he chooses the dollar1 ,i will make him a business man4 ,the plan was carried out4 ,the arrangements were made and the boy called in from his play4 ,after a little while the preacher and his wife softly entered the room4 ,there was the youngster4 ,he was seated on the ,bible1 in one hand was the apple1 from which he was just taking a bite1 and in the other he clasped the silver dollar4 ,the good man turned to his consort4 ,wife1 he said1 the boy is a hog4 ,i shall make a politician of him4 ,senator ,mark ,hanna was walking through his mill one day when he heard a boy say3 ,i wish ,i had ,hanna's money and he was in the poorhouse4 ,when he returned to the office the senator sent for the lad1 who was plainly mystified by the summons4 ,so you wish you had my money and ,i was in the poorhouse1 said the great man grimly4 ,now supposing you had your wish1 what would you do8 ,well1 said the boy quickly1 his droll grin showing his appreciation of the situation1 ,i guess ,i'd get you out of the poorhouse the first thing4 ,mr4 ,hanna roared with laughter and dismissed the youth4 ,you might as well push that boy along1 he said to one of his assistants2 he's too good a politician to be kept down4 ,see also ,candidates2 ,public ,speakers4 ,,politics ,politics consists of two sides and a fence4 ,if ,i were asked to define politics in relation to the ,british public1 ,i should define it as a spasm of pain recurring once in every four or five years4--,a4,e4,w4 ,mason4 ,,little ,,clarence 7who has an inquiring mind7--,papa1 the ,forty ,thieves-- ,,mr4 ,,callipers--,now1 my son1 you are too young to talk politics4--,puck4 ,many a man1 remarked the milk toast philosopher1 has gone into politics with a fine future1 and come out with a terrible past4 ,lord ,dufferin delivered an address before the ,greek class of the ,mc,gill ,university about which a reporter wrote3 ,his lordship spoke to the class in the purest ancient ,greek1 without mispronouncing a word or making the slightest grammatical solecism4 ,good heavens6 remarked ,sir ,hector ,langevin to the late ,sir ,john ,a4 ,macdonald1 how did the reporter know that6 ,i told him1 was the ,conservative statesman's answer4 ,but you don't know ,greek4 ,true2 but ,i know a little about politics4 ,little ,millie's father and grandfather were ,republicans2 and1 as election drew near1 they spoke of their opponents with increasing warmth1 never heeding ,millie's attentive ears and wondering eyes4 ,one night1 however1 as the little maid was preparing for bed1 she whispered in a frightened voice3 ,oh1 mamma1 ,i don't dare to go upstairs4 ,i'm afraid there's a ,democrat under the bed4 ,the shortest after-dinner speech ,i ever heard1 said ,cy ,warman1 the poet1 was at a dinner in ,providence4 ,a man was assigned to the topic1 ',the ,christian in ,politics4' ,when he was called upon he arose1 bowed and said3 ',mr4 ,chairman1 ladies and gentlemen3 ,the ,christian in ,politics--he ain't4' ,politics is but the common pulse-beat of which revolution is the fever spasm4--,wendell ,phillips4 ,,poverty ,poverty is no disgrace1 but that's about all that can be said in its favor4 ,a traveler passing through the ,broad ,top ,mountain district in northern ,bedford ,county1 ,pennsylvania1 last summer1 came across a lad of sixteen cultivating a patch of miserable potatoes4 ,he remarked upon their unpromising appearance and expressed pity for anyone who had to dig a living out of such soil4 ,i don't need no pity1 said the boy resentfully4 ,the traveler hastened to soothe his wounded pride4 ,but in the offended tone of one who has been misjudged the boy added2 ,i ain't as poor as you think4 ,i'm only workin' here4 ,i don't own this place4 ,one day an inspector of a ,new ,york tenement-house found four families living in one room1 chalk lines being drawn across in such manner as to mark out a quarter for each family4 ,how do you get along here8 inquired the inspector4 ,very well1 was the reply4 ,only the man in the farthest corner keeps boarders4 ,there is no man so poor but that he can afford to keep one dog1 and ,i hev seen them so poor that they could afford to keep three4--,josh ,billings4 ,may poverty be always a day's march behind us4 ,not he who has little1 but he who wishes for more1 is poor4--,seneca4 ,,praise ,,wife 7complainingly7--,you never praise me up to any one4 ,,hub--,i don't1 eh6 ,you should hear me describe you at the intelligence office when ,i'm trying to hire a cook4 ,what sort of a man is he8 ,well1 he's just what ,i've been looking for--a generous soul1 with a limousine body4--,life4 ,,prayer ,,meetings ,a foreigner who attended a prayer meeting in ,indiana was asked what the assistants did4 ,not very much1 he said1 only they sin and bray4 ,,prayers ,during the winter the village preacher was taken sick1 and several of his children were also afflicted with the mumps4 ,one day a number of the devout church members called to pray for the family4 ,while they were about it a boy1 the son of a member living in the country1 knocked at the preacher's door4 ,he had his arms full of things4 ,what have you there8 a deacon asked him4 ,pa's prayers for a happy ,thanksgiving1 the boy answered1 as he proceeded to unload potatoes1 bacon1 flour and other provisions for the afflicted family4 ,a little girl in ,washington surprised her mother the other day by closing her evening prayers in these words3 ,amen2 good bye2 ring off4 ,,teacher--,now1 ,tommy1 suppose a man gave you #ajj to keep for him and then died1 what would you do8 ,would you pray for him8 ,,tommy--,no1 sir2 but ,i would pray for another like him4 ,a well-known revivalist whose work has been principally among the negroes of a certain section of the ,south remembers one service conducted by him that was not entirely successful4 ,he had had very poor attendance1 and spent much time in questioning the darkies as to their reason for not attending4 ,why were you not at our revival8 he asked one old man1 whom he encountered on the road4 ,oh1 ,i dunno1 said the backward one4 ,don't you ever pray8 demanded the preacher4 ,the old man shook his head4 ,no1 said he2 ,i carries a rabbit's foot4--,taylor ,edwards4 ,a little girl attending an ,episcopal church for the first time1 was amazed to see all kneel suddenly4 ,she asked her mother what they were going to do4 ,her mother replied1 ,hush1 they're going to say their prayers4 ,what with all their clothes on8 ,the new minister in a ,georgia church was delivering his first sermon4 ,the darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of the church4 ,the minister's sermon was eloquent1 and his prayers seemed to cover the whole category of human wants4 ,after the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what he thought of the new minister4 ,don't you think he offers up a good prayer1 ,joe8 ,ah mos' suhtainly does1 boss4 ,why1 dat man axed de good ,lord fo' things dat de odder preacher didn't even know ,he had6 ,hilma was always glad to say her prayers1 but she wanted to be sure that she was heard in the heavens above as well as on the earth beneath4 ,one night1 after the usual ,amen1 she dropped her head upon her pillow and closed her eyes4 ,after a moment she lifted her hand and1 waving it aloft1 said1 ,oh1 ,lord6 this prayer comes from #bjc ,selden ,avenue4 ,willie's mother had told him that if he went to the river to play he should go to bed4 ,one day she was away1 and on coming home about two o'clock in the afternoon found ,willie in bed4 ,what are you in bed for8 asked his mother4 ,i went to the river to play1 and ,i knew you would put me in bed1 so ,i didn't wait for you to come4 ,did you say your prayers before you went to bed8 asked his mother4 ,no1 said ,willie4 ,you don't suppose ,god would be loafing around here this time of day1 do you8 ,he's at the office4 ,little ,polly1 coming in from her walk one morning1 informed her mother that she had seen a lion in the park4 ,no amount of persuasion or reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth4 ,that night1 when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers1 her mother said1 ,polly1 ask ,god to forgive you for that fib4 ,polly hid her face for a moment4 ,then she looked straight into her mother's eyes1 her own eyes shining like stars1 and said1 ,i did ask him1 mamma1 dearest1 and he said1 ',don't mention it1 ,miss ,polly2 that big yellow dog has often fooled me4' ,prayer is the spirit speaking truth to ,truth4--,bailey4 ,pray to be perfect1 though material leaven ,forbid the spirit so on earth to be2 ,but if for any wish thou darest not pray1 ,then pray to ,god to cast that wish away4 --,hartley ,coleridge4 ,see also ,courage4 ,,preaching ,the services in the chapel of a certain western university are from time to time conducted by eminent clergymen of many denominations and from many cities4 ,on one occasion1 when one of these visiting divines asked the president how long he should speak1 that witty officer replied3 ,there is no limit1 ,doctor1 upon the time you may preach2 but ,i may tell you that there is a tradition here that the most souls are saved during the first twenty-five minutes4 ,one ,sunday morning a certain young pastor in his first charge announced nervously3 ,i will take for my text the words1 ',and they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes4' ,at this misquotation an old parishioner from his seat in the amen corner said audibly3 ,that's no miracle--,i could do it myself4 ,the young preacher said nothing at the time1 but the next ,sunday he announced the same text again4 ,this time he got it right3 ,and they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two fishes4 ,he waited a moment1 and then1 leaning over the pulpit and looking at the amen corner1 he said3 ,and could you do that1 too1 ,mr4 ,smith8 ,of course ,i could1 ,mr4 ,smith replied4 ,and how would you do it8 said the preacher4 ,with what was left over from last ,sunday1 said ,mr4 ,smith4 ,the late ,bishop ,foss once visited a ,philadelphia physician for some trifling ailment4 ,do you1 sir1 the doctor asked1 in the course of his examination1 talk in your sleep8 ,no sir1 answered the bishop4 ,i talk in other people's4 ,aren't you aware that ,i am a divine8 ,yes1 sir1 said the irate man1 ,i got even with that clergyman4 ,i slurred him4 ,why1 ,i hired one hundred people to attend his church and go to sleep before he had preached five minutes4 ,a noted eastern ,judge when visiting in the west went to church on ,sunday2 which isn't so remarkable as the fact that he knew beforehand that the preacher was exceedingly tedious and long winded to the last degree4 ,after the service the preacher met the ,judge in the vestibule and said3 ,well1 your ,honor1 how did you like the sermon8 ,oh1 most wonderfully1 replied the ,judge4 ,it was like the peace of ,god2 for it passed all understanding1 and1 like ,his mercy1 ,i thought it would have endured forever4 ,the preacher's evening discourse was dry and long1 and the congregation gradually melted away4 ,the sexton tiptoed up to the pulpit and slipped a note under one corner of the ,bible4 ,it read3 ,when you are through1 will you please turn off the lights1 lock the door1 and put the key under the mat8 ,the new minister's first sermon was very touching and created much favorable comment among the members of the church4 ,one morning1 a few days later1 his nine-year-old son happened to be alone in the pastor's study and with childish curiosity started to read through some papers on the desk4 ,they happened to be this identical sermon1 but he was most interested in the marginal notes4 ,in one place in the margin were written the words1 ,cry a little4 ,further on in the discourse appeared another marginal remark1 ,cry a little more4 ,on the next to the last sheet the boy found his good father had penned another remark1 ,cry like thunder4 ,a young preacher1 who was staying at a clergy-house1 was in the habit of retiring to his room for an hour or more each day to practice pulpit oratory4 ,at such times he filled the house with sounds of fervor and pathos1 and emptied it of almost everything else4 ,phillips ,brooks chanced to be visiting a friend in this house one day when the budding orator was holding forth4 ,gracious me6 exclaimed the ,bishop1 starting up in assumed terror1 pray1 what might that be8 ,sit down1 ,bishop1 his friend replied4 ,that's only young ,d---- practising what he preaches4 ,a distinguished theologian was invited to make an address before a ,sunday-school4 ,the divine spoke for over an hour and his remarks were of too deep a character for the average juvenile mind to comprehend4 ,at the conclusion1 the superintendent1 according to custom1 requested some one in the school to name an appropriate hymn to be sung4 ,sing ',revive ,us ,again1' shouted a boy in the rear of the room4 ,a clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his woman parishioners4 ,well1 my good woman1 said he1 so you are ill and require the consolations of religion8 ,what can ,i do for you8 ,no1 replied the old lady1 ,i am only nervous and can't sleep6 ,but how can ,i help that8 said the parson4 ,oh1 sir1 you always put me to sleep so nicely when ,i go to church that ,i thought if you would only preach a little for me6 ,i never see my rector's eyes2 ,he hides their light divine2 ,for when he prays1 he shuts his own1 ,and when he preaches1 mine4 ,a stranger entered the church in the middle of the sermon and seated himself in the back pew4 ,after a while he began to fidget4 ,leaning over to the white-haired man at his side1 evidently an old member of the congregation1 he whispered3 ,how long has he been preaching8 ,thirty or forty years1 ,i think1 the old man answered4 ,i'll stay then1 decided the stranger4 ,he must be nearly done4 ,once upon a time there was an ,indian named ,big ,smoke1 employed as a missionary to his fellow ,smokes4 ,a white man encountering ,big ,smoke1 asked him what he did for a living4 ,umph6 said ,big ,smoke1 me preach4 ,that so8 ,what do you get for preaching8 ,me get ten dollars a year4 ,well1 said the white man1 that's damn poor pay4 ,umph6 said ,big ,smoke1 me damn poor preacher4 ,see also ,clergy4 ,,prescriptions ,after a month's work in intensely warm weather a gardener in the suburbs became ill1 and the anxious little wife sent for a doctor1 who wrote a prescription after examining the patient4 ,the doctor1 upon departing1 said3 ,just let your husband take that and you'll find he will be all right in a short time4 ,next day the doctor called again1 and the wife opened the door1 her face beaming with smiles4 ,sure1 that was a wonderful wee bit of paper you left yesterday1 she exclaimed4 ,william is better to-day4 ,i'm glad to hear that1 said the much-pleased medical man4 ,not but what ,i hadn't a big job to get him to swallow it4 she continued1 but1 sure1 ,i just wrapped up the wee bit of paper quite small and put it in a spoonful of jam and ,william swallowed it unbeknownst4 ,by night he was entirely better4 ,,presence ,,of ,,mind ,what did you do when you met the train-robber face to face8 ,i explained that ,i had been interviewed by the ticket-seller1 the luggage-carriers1 the dining-car waiters1 and the sleeping-car porters and borrowed a dollar from him4 ,,printers ,the master of all trades3 ,he beats the farmer with his fast hoe1 the carpenter with his rule1 and the mason in setting up tall columns2 and he surpasses the lawyer and the doctor in attending to the cases1 and beats the parson in the management of the devil4 ,,prisons ,a man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial4 ,the case was given to the jury1 who brought him in guilty1 and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment4 ,the jailer was a jovial man1 fond of a smile1 and feeling particularly good on that particular day1 considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around the cell told him it was dirty1 and not fit for a hog to be put in4 ,one word brought on another1 till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put him out4 ,to which the prisoner replied3 ,i will give you to understand1 sir1 ,i have as good a right here as you have6 ,,sheriff--,that fellow who just left jail is going to be arrested again soon4 ,how do you know8 ,,sheriff--,he chopped my wood1 carried the water1 and mended my socks4 ,i can't get along without him4 ,,prodigals ,why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep8 ,cos he had ter kill the fatted calf1 an' de son wasn't wort' it4 ,,profanity ,,the ,,rector--,it's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath4 ,,the ,,man--,oh1 well1 ,i swear a good deal and you pray a good deal1 but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it4 ,,first ,,deaf ,,mute--,he wasn't so very angry1 was he8 ,,second ,,deaf ,,mute--,he was so wild that the words he used almost blistered his fingers4 ,the little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said1 ,darn6 ,i'll give you ten cents1 said father1 if you'll never say that word again4 ,a few days afterward she came to him and said3 ,papa1 ,i've got a word worth half a dollar4 ,very frequently the winter highways of the ,yukon valley are mere trails1 traversed only by dog-sledges4 ,one of the bishops in ,alaska1 who was very fond of that mode of travel1 encountered a miner coming out with his dog-team1 and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come over4 ,the miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity1 winding up with3 ,and what kind o' trail did you have8 ,same as yours1 replied the bishop feelingly4--,elgin ,burroughs4 ,a scrupulous priest of ,kildare1 ,used to pay a rude peasant to swear1 ,who would paint the air blue1 ,for an hour or two1 ,while his reverence wrestled in prayer4 ,donald and ,jeanie were putting down a carpet4 ,donald slammed the end of his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language befitting the occasion4 ,donald1 ,donald6 shrieked ,jeanie1 horrified4 ,dinna swear that way6 ,wummun6 vociferated ,donald2 gin ye know ony better way1 now is the time to let me know it6 ,it is not always necessary to make a direct accusation1 said the lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against his client's good name4 ,you may have heard of the woman who called to the hired girl1 ',mary1 ,mary4 come here and take the parrot downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button6' ,little ,bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver4 ,he displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her4 ,she took him to task1 explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity4 ,she asked where he had learned all those dreadful words4 ,bartholomew announced that ,cavert1 one of his playmates1 had taught him4 ,cavert's mother was straightway informed and ,cavert was brought to book4 ,he vigorously denied having instructed ,bartholomew1 and neither threats nor tears could make him confess4 ,at last he burst out3 ,i didn't tell ,bartholomew any cuss words4 ,why should ,i know how to cuss any better than he does8 ,hasn't his father got an automobile1 too8 ,they were in ,italy together4 ,if you would let me curse them black and blue1 said the groom1 we shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks4 ,but1 darling1 please don't4 ,it would distress me so1 murmured the bride4 ,the groom went off1 but quickly returned with the porters before him trundling the trunks at a double quick4 ,oh1 dearest1 how did you do it8 ,you didn't--8 ,not at all4 ,i thought of something that did quite as well4 ,i said1 ',s-s-s-susquehanna1 ,r-r-r-rappahannock6'--,cornelia ,c4 ,ward4 ,a school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about a motorcar4 ,she submitted the following3 ,my uncle bought a motorcar4 ,he was riding in the country when it busted up a hill4 ,i guess this is about fifty words4 ,the other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town1 but they are not fit for publication4 ,the ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the contents into his cart1 when the bottom of the can came out4 ,ethel saw it and ran in and told her mother4 ,i hope you didn't listen to what he said1 the mother remarked4 ,he didn't say a word to me1 replied the little girl2 he just walked right off by the side of his cart1 talking to ,god4 ,a young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring1 which he ordered engraved4 ,the jeweler asked what name4 ,george ,osborne to ,harriet ,lewis1 but ,i prefer only the initials1 ,g4,o4 to ,h4,l4 ,for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath1 with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off1 gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him4--,shakespeare4 ,,prohibition ,talking about dry towns1 have you ever been in ,leavenworth1 ,kansas8 asked the commercial traveler in the smoking-car4 ,no8 ,well1 that's a dry town for you1 all right4 ,they can't sell liquor at all there8 asked one of the men4 ,only if you had been bitten by a snake1 said the drummer4 ,they have only one snake in town1 and when ,i got to it the other day after standing in line for nearly half a day it was too tired to bite4 ,it was prohibition country4 ,as soon as the train pulled up1 a seedy little man with a covered basket on his arm hurried to the open windows of the smoker and exhibited a quart bottle filled with rich1 dark fluid4 ,want to buy some nice cold tea8 he asked1 with just the suspicion of a wink4 ,two thirsty-looking cattlemen brightened visibly1 and each paid a dollar for a bottle4 ,wait until you get outer the station before you take a drink1 the little man cautioned them4 ,i don't wanter get in trouble4 ,he found three other customers before the train pulled out1 in each case repeating his warning4 ,you seem to be doing a pretty good business1 remarked a man who had watched it all4 ,but ,i don't see why you'd run any more risk of getting in trouble if they took a drink before the train started4 ,ye don't1 hey8 ,well1 what them bottles had in 'em1 pardner1 was real cold tea4 ,,promoting ,mr4 ,harcourt1 the ,secretary of ,state for the ,colonies1 at the ,british ,north ,borneo dinner1 said that a ,city friend of his was approached with a view to floating a rubber company4 ,his friend was quite ready4 ,how many trees have you8 he asked4 ,we have not got any trees1 was the answer4 ,how much land have you8 ,we have no land4 ,what then have you got8 ,i have a bag of seeds6 ,there are many tales about the caution of ,russell ,sage and the cleverness with which he outwitted those who sought to get some of his money from him4 ,two brilliant promoters went to him one time and presented a scheme4 ,the financier listened for an hour1 and when they departed they were told that ,mr4 ,sage's decision would be mailed to them in a few days4 ,i think we have got ,uncle ,russell1 said one of the promoters4 ,i really believe we have won his confidence4 ,i fear not1 observed the other doubtfully4 ,he is too suspicious4 ,suspicious8 ,i didn't observe any sign of it4 ,didn't you notice that he counted his fingers after ,i had shaken hands with him and we were coming away8 ,,promotion ,promotion cometh neither from the east nor the west1 but from the cemetery4--,edward ,sanford ,martin4 ,,promptness ,are you first in anything at school1 ,earlie8 ,first out of the building when the bell rings4 ,the head of a large business house bought a number of those ,do it now signs and hung them up around his offices4 ,when1 after the first few days of those signs1 the business man counted up the results1 he found that the cashier had skipped out with #bj1jjj1 the head bookkeeper had eloped with the stenographer1 three clerks had asked for a raise in salary1 and the office boy had lit out for the west to become a highwayman4 ,are you waiting for me1 dear8 she said1 coming downstairs at last1 after spending half an hour fixing her hat4 ,waiting1 exclaimed the impatient man4 ,oh no1 not waiting--sojourning4 ,,pronunciation ,a tale is told of a ,kansas minister1 a great precisionist in the use of words1 whose exactness sometimes destroyed the force of what he was saying4 ,on one occasion1 in the course of an eloquent prayer1 he pleaded3 ,o ,lord6 waken thy cause in the hearts of this congregation and give them new eyes to see and new impulse to do4 ,send down ,thy lev-er or lee-ver1 according to ,webster's or ,worcester's dictionary1 whichever ,thou usest1 and pry them into activity4 ,i'm at the head of my class1 pa1 said ,willie4 ,dear me1 son1 how did that happen8 cried his father4 ,why1 the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce ,c-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a1 and nobody knew1 said ,willie1 but when she got down to me ,i sneezed and she said that was right4 ,see also ,liars4 ,,proportion ,a middle-aged colored woman in a ,georgia village1 hearing a commotion in a neighbor's cabin1 looked in at the door4 ,on the floor lay a small boy writhing in great distress while his mother bent solicitously over him4 ,what-all's de matter wif de chile8 asked the visitor sympathetically4 ,i spec's hit's too much watermillion1 responded the mother4 ,ho6 go 'long wif you1 protested the visitor scornfully4 ,dey cyan't never be too much watermillion4 ,hit mus' be dat dere ain't enough boy4 ,,proposals ,a love-smitten youth who was studying the approved method of proposal asked one of his bachelor friends if he thought that a young man should propose to a girl on his knees4 ,if he doesn't1 replied his friend1 the girl should get off4 ,a gentleman who had been in ,chicago only three days1 but who had been paying attention to a prominent ,chicago belle1 wanted to propose1 but was afraid he would be thought too hasty4 ,he delicately broached the subject as follows3 ,if ,i were to speak to you of marriage1 after having only made your acquaintance three days ago1 what would you say of it8 ,well1 ,i should say1 never put off till tomorrow that which should have been done the day before yesterday4 ,there was a young man from the ,west1 ,who proposed to the girl he loved best1 ,but so closely he pressed her ,to make her say1 yes1 sir1 ,that he broke two cigars in his vest4 --,the ,tobacconist4 ,they were dining on fowl in a restaurant4 ,you see1 he explained1 as he showed her the wishbone1 you take hold here4 ,then we must both make a wish and pull1 and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it will have his or her wish granted4 ,but ,i don't know what to wish for1 she protested4 ,oh6 you can think of something1 he said4 ,no1 ,i can't1 she replied2 ,i can't think of anything ,i want very much4 ,well1 ,i'll wish for you1 he explained4 ,will you1 really8 she asked4 ,yes4 ,well1 then there's no use fooling with the old wishbone1 she interrupted with a glad smile1 you can have me4 ,dear ,may1 wrote the young man1 pardon me1 but ,i'm getting so forgetful4 ,i proposed to you last night1 but really forget whether you said yes or no4 ,dear ,will1 she replied by note1 so glad to hear from you4 ,i know ,i said 'no' to some one last night1 but ,i had forgotten just who it was4 ,the four ,gerton girls were all good-looking2 indeed1 the three younger ones were beautiful2 while ,annie1 the oldest1 easily made up in capability and horse sense what she lacked in looks4 ,a young chap1 very eligible1 called on the girls frequently1 but seemed unable to decide which to marry4 ,so ,annie put on her thinking cap1 and1 one evening when the young chap called1 she appeared with her pretty arms bare to the elbow and her hands white with flour4 ,oh1 you must excuse my appearance1 she said4 ,i have been working in the kitchen all day4 ,i baked bread and pies and cake this morning1 and afterward1 as the cook was ill1 ,i prepared dinner4 ,miss ,annie1 is that so8 said the young man4 ,he looked at her1 deeply impressed4 ,then1 after a moment's thought1 he said3 ,miss ,annie1 there is a question ,i wish to ask you1 and on your answer will depend much of my life's happiness4 ,yes8 she said1 with a blush1 and she drew a little nearer4 ,yes8 ,what is it8 ,miss ,annie1 said the young man1 in deep earnest tones1 ,i am thinking of proposing to your sister ,kate--will you make your home with us8 ,it was at ,christmas1 and he had been calling on her twice a week for six months1 but had not proposed4 ,ethel1 he said1 ,i--er--am going to ask you an important question4 ,oh1 ,george1 she exclaimed1 this is so sudden6 ,why1 ,i-- ,no1 excuse me1 he interrupted2 what ,i want to ask is this3 ,what date have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding8 ,a ,scotch beadle led the maiden of his choice to a churchyard and1 pointing to the various headstones1 said3 ,my folks are all buried there1 ,jennie4 ,wad ye like to be buried there too8 ,,impecunious ,,lover--,be mine1 ,amanda1 and you will be treated like an angel4 ,,wealthy ,,maiden--,yes1 ,i suppose so4 ,nothing to eat1 and less to wear4 ,no1 thank you4 ,the surest way to hit a woman's heart is to take aim kneeling4--,douglas ,jerrold4 ,,propriety ,there was a young lady of ,wilts1 ,who walked up to ,scotland on stilts2 ,when they said it was shocking ,to show so much stocking1 ,she answered3 ,then what about kilts8 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,,prosperity ,may bad fortune follow you all your days ,and never catch up with you4 ,,protestant ,,episcopal ,,church ,one of our popular ,new ,england lecturers tells this amusing story4 ,a street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very young kittens to passers-by4 ,one day he accosted the late ,reverend ,phillips ,brooks1 asking him to purchase1 and recommending them as good ,episcopal kittens4 ,dr4 ,brooks laughingly refused1 thinking them too small to be taken from their mother4 ,a few days later a ,presbyterian minister who had witnessed this episode was asked by the same boy to buy the same kittens4 ,this time the lad announced that they were faithful ,presbyterians4 ,didn't you tell ,dr4 ,brooks last week that they were ,episcopal kittens8 the minister asked sternly4 ,yes sir1 replied the boy quickly1 but they's had their eyes opened since then1 sir4 ,an ,episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that he was a ',piscopal4 ,to what parish do you belong8 asked the clergyman4 ,don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish1 was the answer4 ,who confirmed you1 then8 was the next question4 ,nobody1 answered the farmer4 ,then how are you an ,episcopalian8 asked the clergyman4 ,well1 was the reply1 you see it's this way3 ,last winter ,i went to church1 an' it was called ',piscopal1 an' ,i heerd them say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done1 and ,i says to myself says ,i3 ',that's my fix exac'ly1' and ever sence then ,i've been a ',piscopalian4 ,,protestants ,a ,protestant mission meeting had been held in an ,irish town and this was the gardener's contribution to the controversy that ensued3 ,pratestants6 he said with lofty scorn1 ',twas mighty little ,st4 ,paul thought of the ,pratestants4 ,you've all heard tell of the 'pistle he wrote to the ,romans1 but ,i'd ax ye this1 did any of yez iver hear of his writing a 'pistle to the ,pratestants8 ,,providence ,why did papa have appendicitis and have to pay the doctor a thousand dollars1 ,mama8 ,it was ,god's will1 dear4 ,and was it because ,god was mad at papa or pleased with the doctor8--,life4 ,there's a certain minister whose duties sometimes call him out of the city4 ,he has always arranged for some one of his parishioners to keep company with his wife and little daughter during these absences4 ,recently1 however1 he was called away so suddenly that he had no opportunity of providing a guardian4 ,the wife was very brave during the early evening1 but after dark had fallen her courage began to fail4 ,she stayed up with her little girl till there was no excuse for staying any longer and then took her upstairs to bed4 ,now go to sleep1 ,dearie1 she said4 ,don't be afraid4 ,god will protect you4 ,yes1 ,mother1 answered the little girl1 that'll be all right tonight1 but next time let's make better arrangements4 ,,provincialism ,some time ago an ,english friend of ,colonel ,w4,j4 ,lampton's living in ,new ,york and having never visited the ,south1 went to ,virginia to spend a month with friends4 ,after a fortnight of it1 he wrote back3 ,oh1 ,i say1 old top1 you never told me that the ,south was anything like ,i have found it1 and so different to the ,north4 ,why1 man1 it's ,god's country4 ,the ,colonel1 who gets his title from ,kentucky1 answered promptly by postal4 ,of course it is1 he wrote4 ,you didn't suppose ,god was a ,yankee1 did you8 ,a southerner1 with the intense love for his own district1 attended a banquet4 ,the next day a friend asked him who was present4 ,with a reminiscent smile he replied3 ,an elegant gentleman from ,virginia1 a gentleman from ,kentucky1 a man from ,ohio1 a bounder from ,chicago1 a fellow from ,new ,york1 and a galoot from ,maine4 ,they had driven fourteen miles to the lake1 and then rowed six miles across the lake to get to the railroad station1 when the ,chicago man asked3 ,how in the world do you get your mail and newspapers here in the winter when the storms are on8 ,wa-al1 we don't sometimes4 ,i've seen this lake thick up so that it was three weeks before we got a ,chicago paper1 answered the man from nowhere4 ,well1 you were cut off1 said the ,chicago man4 ,ya-as1 we were so1 was the reply4 ,still1 the ,chicago folks were just as badly off4 ,how so8 ,wa-al1 drawled the man1 we didn't know what was going on in ,chicago1 of course4 ,but then1 neither did ,chicago folks know what was going on down here4 ,,public ,,service ,,corporations ,the attorney demanded to know how many secret societies the witness belonged to1 whereupon the witness objected and appealed to the court4 ,the court sees no harm in the question1 answered the judge4 ,you may answer4 ,well1 ,i belong to three4 ,what are they8 ,the ,knights of ,pythias1 the ,odd ,fellows1 and the gas company4 ,yes1 he had some rare trouble with his eyes1 said the celebrated oculist4 ,every time he went to read he would read double4 ,poor fellow1 remarked the sympathetic person4 ,i suppose that interfered with his holding a good position8 ,not at all4 ,the gas company gobbled him up and gave him a lucrative job reading gas-meters4 ,,public ,,speakers ,,orator--,i thought your paper was friendly to me8 ,,editor--,so it is4 ,what's the matter8 ,,orator--,i made a speech at the dinner last night1 and you didn't print a line of it4 ,,editor--,well1 what further proof do you want8 ,,traveling ,,lecturer ,,for ,,society 7to the remaining listener7--,i should like to thank you1 sir1 for so attentively hearing me to the end of a rather too long speech4 ,,local ,,member ,,of ,,society--,not at all1 sir4 ,i'm the second speaker4 ,ex-senator ,spooner of ,wisconsin says the best speech of introduction he ever heard was delivered by the ,german mayor of a small town in ,wisconsin1 where ,spooner had been engaged to speak4 ,the mayor said3 ,ladies und shentlemens1 ,i haf been asked to indrotoose you to the ,honorable ,senator ,spooner1 who vill make to you a speech1 yes4 ,i haf now done so2 he vill now do so4 ,when ,i arose to speak1 related a martyred statesman1 some one hurled a base1 cowardly egg at me and it struck me in the chest4 ,and what kind of an egg might that be8 asked a fresh young man4 ,a base1 cowardly egg1 explained the statesman1 is one that hits you and then runs4 ,uncle ,joe ,cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimes embarrassing to others4 ,on one occasion an inexperienced young fellow was called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which ex-speaker ,cannon was also present4 ,gentlemen1 began the young fellow1 my opinion is that the generality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of the generality of-- ,sit down1 son1 interrupted ,uncle ,joe4 ,you are coming out of the same hole you went in at4 ,a ,south ,african tribe has an effective method of dealing with bores1 which might be adopted by ,western peoples4 ,this simple tribe considers long speeches injurious to the orator and his hearers2 so to protect both there is an unwritten law that every public orator must stand on only one leg when he is addressing an audience4 ,as soon as he has to place the other leg on the ground his oration is brought to a close1 by main force1 if necessary4 ,a rather turgid orator1 noted for his verbosity and heaviness1 was once assigned to do some campaigning in a mining camp in the mountains4 ,there were about fifty miners present when he began2 but when1 at the end of a couple of hours1 he gave no sign of finishing1 his listeners dropped away4 ,some went back to work1 but the majority sought places to quench their thirst1 which had been aggravated by the dryness of the discourse4 ,finally there was only one auditor left1 a dilapidated1 weary-looking old fellow4 ,fixing his gaze on him1 the orator pulled out a large six-shooter and laid it on the table4 ,the old fellow rose slowly and drawled out3 ,be you going to shoot if ,i go8 ,you bet ,i am1 replied the speaker4 ,i'm bound to finish my speech1 even if ,i have to shoot to keep an audience4 ,the old fellow sighed in a tired manner1 and edged slowly away1 saying as he did so3 ,well1 shoot if you want to4 ,i may jest as well be shot as talked to death4 ,the self-made millionaire who had endowed the school had been invited to make the opening speech at the commencement exercises4 ,he had not often had a chance of speaking before the public and he was resolved to make the most of it4 ,he dragged his address out most tiresomely1 repeating the same thought over and over4 ,unable to stand it any longer a couple of boys in the rear of the room slipped out4 ,a coachman who was waiting outside asked them if the millionaire had finished his speech4 ,gee1 yes6 replied the boys1 but he won't stop4 ,mark ,twain once told this story3 ,some years ago in ,hartford1 we all went to church one hot1 sweltering night to hear the annual report of ,mr4 ,hawley1 a city missionary who went around finding people who needed help and didn't want to ask for it4 ,he told of the life in cellars1 where poverty resided2 he gave instances of the heroism and devotion of the poor4 ,when a man with millions gives1 he said1 we make a great deal of noise4 ,it's a noise in the wrong place1 for it's the widow's mite that counts4 ,well1 ,hawley worked me up to a great pitch4 ,i could hardly wait for him to get through4 ,i had #djj in my pocket4 ,i wanted to give that and borrow more to give4 ,you could see greenbacks in every eye4 ,but instead of passing the plate then1 he kept on talking and talking and talking1 and as he talked it grew hotter and hotter and hotter1 and we grew sleepier and sleepier and sleepier4 ,my enthusiasm went down1 down1 down1 down--#ajj at a clip--until finally1 when the plate did come around1 ,i stole ten cents out of it4 ,it all goes to show how a little thing like this can lead to crime4 ,see also ,after dinner speeches2 ,candidates2 ,politicians4 ,,punishment ,a parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher3 ,dear ,miss3 ,don't hit our ,johnnie4 ,we never do it at home except in self-defense4 ,no1 sirree6 ejaculated ,bunkerton4 ,there wasn't any of that nonsense in my family4 ,my father never thrashed me in all his life4 ,too bad1 too bad1 sighed ,hickenlooper4 ,another wreck due to a misplaced switch4 ,james the ,second1 when ,duke of ,york1 made a visit to ,milton1 the poet1 and asked him among other things1 if he did not think the loss of his sight a judgment upon him for what he had writen against his father1 ,charles the ,first4 ,milton answered3 ,if your ,highness think my loss of sight a judgment upon me1 what do you think of your father's losing his head4--,life4 ,a white man during reconstruction times was arraigned before a colored justice of the peace for killing a man and stealing his mule4 ,it was in ,arkansas1 near the ,texas border1 and there was some rivalry between the states1 but the colored justice tried to preserve an impartial frame of mind4 ,we's got two kinds ob law in dis yer co't1 he said3 ,texas law an' ,arkansas law4 ,which will you hab8 ,the prisoner thought a minute and then guessed that he would take the ,arkansas law4 ,den ,i discharge you fo' stealin' de mule1 an' hang you fo' killin' de man4 ,hold on a minute1 ,judge1 said the prisoner4 ,better make that ,texas law4 ,all right4 ,den ,i fin' you fo' killin' de man1 an' hang you fo' stealin' de mule4 ,a lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking1 and said to the court3 ,your ,honor1 ,i submit that my client did not break into the house at all4 ,he found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles4 ,now1 my client's arm is not himself1 and ,i fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs4 ,that argument1 said the judge1 is very well put4 ,following it logically1 ,i sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment4 ,he can accompany it or not1 as he chooses4 ,the defendant smiled1 and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his cork arm1 and1 leaving it in the dock1 walked out4 ,muriel1 a five-year-old subject of ,king ,george1 has been thought by her parents too young to feel the weight of the rod1 and has been ruled by moral suasion alone4 ,but when1 the other day1 she achieved disobedience three times in five minutes1 more vigorous measures were called for1 and her mother took an ivory paper-knife from the table and struck her smartly across her little bare legs4 ,muriel looked astounded4 ,her mother explained the reason for the blow4 ,muriel thought deeply for a moment4 ,then1 turning toward the door with a grave and disapproving countenance1 she announced in her clear little ,english voice3 ,i'm going up-stairs to tell ,god about that paper-knife4 ,and then ,i shall tell ,jesus4 ,and if that doesn't do1 ,i shall put flannel on my legs6 ,during the reconstruction days of ,virginia1 a negro was convicted of murdering his wife and sentenced to be hanged4 ,on the morning of the execution he mounted the scaffold with reasonable calmness4 ,just before the noose was to be placed around his neck the sheriff asked him if he had anything to say4 ,he studied a moment and said3 ,no1 suh1 boss1 thankee1 suh1 'ceptin' dis is sho gwine to be a lesson to me4 ,what punishment did that defaulting banker get8 ,i understand his lawyer charged him #dj1jjj4 ,an ,indian in ,washington ,county once sized up ,maine's game laws thus3 ,kill cow moose1 pay #ajj2 kill man1 too bad6 ,,teacher--,willie1 did your father cane you for what you did in school yesterday8 ,,pupil--,no1 ma'am2 he said the licking would hurt him more than it would me4 ,,teacher--,what rot6 ,your father is too sympathetic4 ,,pupil--,no1 ma'am2 but he's got the rheumatism in both arms4 ,boohoo6 ,boohoo6 wailed little ,johnny4 ,why1 what's the matter1 dear8 his mother asked comfortingly4 ,boohoo--er--p-picture fell on papa's toes4 ,well1 dear1 that's too bad1 but you mustn't cry about it1 you know4 ,i d-d-didn't4 ,i laughed4 ,boohoo6 ,boohoo6 ,the fact that corporal punishment is discouraged in the public schools of ,chicago is what led ,bobby's teacher to address this note to the boy's mother3 ,,dear ,,madam3--,i regret very much to have to tell you that your son1 ,robert1 idles away his time1 is disobedient1 quarrelsome1 and disturbs the pupils who are trying to study their lessons4 ,he needs a good whipping and ,i strongly recommend that you give him one4 ,yours truly1 ,miss ,blank4 ,to this ,bobby's mother responded as follows3 ,dear ,miss ,blanks--,lick him yourself4 ,i ain't mad at him4 ,yours truly1 ,mrs4 ,dash4 ,a little fellow who was being subjected to a whipping pinched his father under the knee4 ,willie1 you bad boy6 ,how dare you do that8 asked the parent wrathfully4 ,a pause4 ,then ,willie answered between sobs3 ,well1 ,father1 who started this war1 anyway8 ,a little girl about three years old was sent upstairs and told to sit on a certain chair that was in the corner of her room1 as a punishment for something she had done but a few minutes before4 ,soon the silence was broken by the little one's question3 ,mother1 may ,i come down now8 ,no1 you sit right where you are4 ,all right1 'cause ,i'm sittin' on your best hat4 ,it is less to suffer punishment than to deserve it4--,ovid4 ,if ,jupiter hurled his thunderbolt as often as men sinned1 he would soon be out of thunderbolts4--,ovid4 ,see also ,church discipline2 ,future life2 ,marriage4 ,,puns ,a father once said to his son1 ,the next time you make up a pun1 ,go out in the yard ,and kick yourself hard1 ,and ,i will begin when you've done4 ,,pure ,,food ,into a general store of a town in ,arkansas there recently came a darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good4 ,the ham is all right1 ,zeph1 insisted the storekeeper4 ,no1 it ain't1 boss1 insisted the negro4 ,dat ham's shore bad4 ,how can that be1 continued the storekeeper1 when it was cured only a week8 ,the darky scratched his head reflectively1 and finally suggested3 ,den1 mebbe it's had a relapse4 ,on a recent trip to ,germany1 ,doctor ,harvey ,wiley1 the pure-food expert1 heard an allegory with reference to the subject of food adulteration which1 he contends1 should cause ,americans to congratulate themselves that things are so well ordered in this respect in the ,united ,states4 ,the ,german allegory was substantially as follows3 ,four flies1 which had made their way into a certain pantry1 determined to have a feast4 ,one flew to the sugar and ate heartily2 but soon died1 for the sugar was full of white lead4 ,the second chose the flour as his diet1 but he fared no better1 for the flour was loaded with plaster of ,paris4 ,the third sampled the syrup1 but his six legs were presently raised in the air1 for the syrup was colored with aniline dyes4 ,the fourth fly1 seeing all his friends dead1 determined to end his life also1 and drank deeply of the fly-poison which he found in a convenient saucer4 ,he is still alive and in good health4 ,that1 too1 was adulterated4 ,,quarrels ,but why did you leave your last place8 the lady asked of the would-be cook4 ,to tell the truth1 mum1 ,i just couldn't stand the way the master an' the missus used to quarrel1 mum4 ,dear me6 ,do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel8 ,yis1 mum1 all the time4 ,when it wasn't me an' him1 it was me an' her4 ,i hear ye had words with ,casey4 ,we had no words4 ,then nothing passed between ye8 ,nothing but one brick4 ,there had been a wordy falling-out between ,mrs4 ,halloran and ,mrs4 ,donohue2 there had been words2 nay1 more1 there had been language4 ,mrs4 ,halloran had gone to church early in the morning1 had fulfilled the duties of her religion1 and was returning primly home1 when ,mrs4 ,donohue spied her1 and1 still smouldering with volcanic fire1 sent a broadside of lava at ,mrs4 ,halloran4 ,the latter heard1 flushed1 opened her lips--and then suddenly checked herself4 ,after a moment she spoke3 ,mrs4 ,donohue1 ,i've just been to church1 and ,i'm in a state of grace4 ,but1 plaze ,hivin1 the next time ,i meet yez1 ,i won't be1 and thin ,i'll till yez what ,i think of yez6 ,a quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party3 there is no battle unless there be two4--,seneca4 ,see also ,marriage2 ,servants ,,questions ,the more questions a woman asks the fewer answers she remembers4--,wasp4 ,it was a very hot day and the fat drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty train got through the gate at just twelve-twenty-one4 ,the ensuing handicap was watched with absorbed interest both from the train and the station platform4 ,at its conclusion the breathless and perspiring knight of the road wearily took the back trail1 and a vacant-faced red-cap came out to relieve him of his grip4 ,mister1 he inquired1 was you tryin' to ketch that ,pennsylvania train8 ,no1 my son1 replied the patient man4 ,no2 ,i was merely chasing it out of the yard4 ,a party of young men were camping1 and to avert annoying questions they made it a rule that the one who asked a question that he could not answer himself had to do the cooking4 ,one evening1 while sitting around the fire1 one of the boys asked3 ,why is it that a ground-squirrel never leaves any dirt at the mouth of its burrow8 ,they all guessed and missed4 ,so he was asked to answer it himself4 ,why1 he said1 because it always begins to dig at the other end of the hole4 ,but1 one asked1 how does it get to the other end of the hole8 ,well1 was the reply1 that's your question4 ,a browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain question either in the negative or affirmative4 ,i cannot do it1 said the witness4 ,there are some questions that cannot be answered by a 'yes' or a 'no1' as any one knows4 ,i defy you to give an example to the court1 thundered the lawyer4 ,the retort came like a flash3 ,are you still beating your wife8 ,officers have a right to ask questions in the performance of their duty1 but there are occasions when it seems as if they might curtail or forego the privilege4 ,not long ago an ,irishman whose hand had been badly mangled in an accident entered the ,boston ,city ,hospital relief station in a great hurry4 ,he stepped up to the man in charge and inquired3 ,is this the relief station1 sor8 ,yes4 ,what is your name8 ,patrick ,o',connor1 sor4 ,are you married8 questioned the officer4 ,yis1 sor1 but is this the relief station8 ,he was nursing his hand in agony4 ,of course it is4 ,how many children have you8 ,eight1 sor4 ,but sure1 this is the relief station8 ,yes1 it is1 replied the officer1 a little angry at the man's persistence4 ,well1 said ,patrick1 sure1 an' ,i was beginning to think that it might be the pumping station4 ,the sages say1 ,dame ,truth delights to dwell 7,strange ,mansion67 in the bottom of a well3 ,questions are then the ,windlass and the rope ,that pull the grave old ,gentlewoman up4 --,john ,wolcott4 ,see also ,curiosity4 ,,quotations ,stanley ,jordan1 the well-known ,episcopal minister1 having cause to be anxious about his son's college examinations1 told him to telegraph the result4 ,the boy sent the following message to his parent3 ,hymn #cdb1 fifth verse1 last two lines4 ,looking it up the father found the words3 ,sorrow vanquished1 labor ended1 ,jordan passed4 ,,race ,,prejudices ,a negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church4 ,i was a-dreamin' all dis time1 said the narrator1 dat ,i was in ole ,satan's dominions4 ,i tell you1 pahson1 dat was shore a bad dream6 ,was dere any white men dere8 asked the dusky divine4 ,shore dere was--plenty of 'em1 the other hastened to assure his minister ,what was dey a-doin'8 ,ebery one of 'em1 was the answer1 was a-holdin' a cullud pusson between him an' de fire6 ,,race ,,pride ,sam ,jones1 the evangelist1 was leading a revival meeting in ,huntsville1 ,texas1 a number of years ago1 and at the close of one of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up through the crowd to the edge of the pulpit platform4 ,sam took the perspiring black hand that was held out to him1 and heard the old woman say3 ,brudder ,jones1 you sho' is a fine preacher6 ,yes1 suh2 de ,lord bless you4 ,you's des everybody's preacher4 ,you's de white folks' preacher1 and de niggers' preacher1 and everybody's preacher4 ,brudder ,jones1 yo' skin's white1 but1 thank de ,lord1 yo' heart's des as black as any nigger's6 ,an ,irishman and a ,jew were discussing the great men who had belonged to each race and1 as may be expected1 got into a heated argument4 ,finally the ,irishman said3 ,ikey1 listen4 ,for ivery great ,jew ye can name ye may pull out one of me whiskers1 an' for ivery great ,irishman ,i can name ,i'll pull one of yours4 ,is it a go8 ,they consented1 and ,pat reached over1 got hold of a whisker1 said1 ,robert ,emmet1' and pulled4 ,moses6 said the ,jew1 and pulled one of ,pat's tenderest4 ,dan ,o',connell1 said ,pat and took another4 ,abraham1 said ,ikey1 helping himself again4 ,patrick ,henry1 returned ,pat with a vicious yank4 ,the ,twelve ,apostles1 said the ,jew1 taking a handful of whiskers4 ,pat emitted a roar of pain1 grasped the ,jew's beard with both hands1 and yelled1 ,the ancient ,order of ,hibernians6 ,,race ,,suicide ,prisoner1 why did you assault this landlord8 ,your ,honor1 because ,i have several children he refused to rent me a flat4 ,well1 that is his privilege4 ,but1 your ,honor1 he calls his apartment house ',the ,roosevelt4' ,,races ,in answer to the question1 ,what are the five great races of mankind8 a ,chinese student replied1 ,the #ajj yards1 the hurdles1 the quartermile1 the mile1 and the three miles4 ,now1 ,thomas1 said the foreman of the construction gang to a green hand who had just been put on the job1 keep your eyes open4 ,when you see a train coming throw down your tools and jump off the track4 ,run like blazes4 ,sure6 said ,thomas1 and began to swing his pick4 ,in a few moments the ,empire ,state ,express came whirling along4 ,thomas threw down his pick and started up the track ahead of the train as fast as he could run4 ,the train overtook him and tossed him into a ditch4 ,badly shaken up he was taken to the hospital1 where the foreman visited him4 ,you blithering idiot1 said the foreman1 didn't ,i tell you to get out of the road8 ,didn't ,i tell you to take care and get out of the way8 ,why didn't you run up the side of the hill8 ,up the soide of the hill is it1 sor8 said ,thomas through the bandages on his face4 ,up the soide of the hill8 ,be the powers1 ,i couldn't bate it on the level1 let alone runnin' uphill6 ,,railroads ,talk 'bout railroads bein' a blessin'1 said ,brother ,dickey1 des look at de loads an' loads er watermelons deys haulin' out de state1 ter dem folks 'way up ,north what never done nuthin' ter deserve sich a dispensation6 ,on one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in ,america4 ,it is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there1 and he sent one of his hands1 a new-comer1 to fetch it4 ,arriving there the man saw the house1 loaded it on to his wagon and started for home4 ,on the way he met a man in uniform with the words ,station ,agent on his cap4 ,say1 hold on4 ,what have you got on that wagon8 he asked4 ,my chicken-house1 of course1 was the reply4 ,chicken-house be jiggered6 exploded the official4 ,that's the station6 ,i read of the terrible vengeance inflicted upon one of their members by a band of robbers in ,mississippi last week4 ,what did they do8 ,shoot him8 ,no2 they tied him upon the railroad tracks4 ,awful6 ,and he was ground to pieces1 ,i suppose8 ,nothing like it4 ,the poor fellow starved to death waiting for the next train4--,w4 ,dayton ,wegefarth4 ,the reporter who had accompanied the special train to the scene of the wreck1 hurried down the embankment and found a man who had one arm in a sling1 a bandage over one eye1 his front teeth gone1 and his nose knocked four points to starboard1 sitting on a piece of the locomotive and surveying the horrible ruin all about him4 ,can you give me some particulars of this accident8 asked the reporter1 taking out his notebook4 ,i haven't heard of any accident1 young man1 replied the disfigured party stiffly4 ,he was one of the directors of the railroad4 ,the ,hon4 ,john ,sharp ,williams had an engagement to speak in a small southern town4 ,the train he was traveling on was not of the swiftest1 and he lost no opportunity of keeping the conductor informed as to his opinions of that particular road4 ,well1 if yer don't like it1 the conductor finally blurted out1 why in thunder don't yer git out an' walk8 ,i would1 ,mr4 ,williams blandly replied1 but you see the committee doesn't expect me until this train gets in4 ,we were bounding along1 said a recent traveler on a local ,south ,african single-line railway1 at the rate of about seven miles an hour1 and the whole train was shaking terribly4 ,i expected every moment to see my bones protruding through my skin4 ,passengers were rolling from one end of the car to the other4 ,i held on firmly to the arms of the seat4 ,presently we settled down a bit quieter2 at least1 ,i could keep my hat on1 and my teeth didn't chatter4 ,there was a quiet looking man opposite me4 ,i looked up with a ghastly smile1 wishing to appear cheerful1 and said3 ',we are going a bit smoother1 ,i see4' ',yes1' he said1 'we're off the track now4' ,three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excellent train service each had in his special locality3 one was from the west1 one from ,new ,england1 and the other from ,new ,york4 ,the former two had told of marvelous doings of trains1 and it is distinctly up to the man from ,new ,york4 ,now in ,new ,york1 he said1 we not only run our trains fast1 but we also start them fast4 ,i remember the case of a friend of mine whose wife went to see him off for the west on the ,pennsylvania at ,jersey ,city4 ,as the train was about to start my friend said his final good-by to his wife1 and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her4 ,the train started1 and1 would you believe it1 my friend found himself kissing a strange woman on the platform at ,trenton6 ,and the other men gave it up4 ,say1 young man1 asked an old lady at the ticket-office1 what time does the next train pull in here and how long does it stay8 ,from two to two to two-two1 was the curt reply4 ,well1 ,i declare6 ,be you the whistle8 ,an express on the ,long ,island ,railroad was tearing away at a wild and awe-inspiring rate of six miles an hour1 when all of a sudden it stopped altogether4 ,most of the passengers did not notice the difference2 but one of them happened to be somewhat anxious to reach his destination before old age claimed him for its own4 ,he put his head through the window to find that the cause of the stop was a cow on the track4 ,after a while they continued the journey for half an hour or so1 and then--another stop4 ,what's wrong now8 asked the impatient passenger of the conductor4 ,a cow on the track4 ,but ,i thought you drove it off4 ,so we did1 said the conductor1 but we caught up with it again4 ,the president of one great southern railway pulled into a southern city in his private car4 ,it was also the terminal of a competing road1 and the private car of the president of the other line was on a side track4 ,there was great rivalry between these two lines1 which extended from the president of each down to the most humble employe4 ,in the evening the colored cook from one of the cars wandered over to pass the time of day with the cook on the other car4 ,one of these roads had recently had an appalling list of accidents1 and the death-toll was exceptionally high4 ,the cook from this road sauntered up to the back platform of the private car1 and after an interchange of courtesies said3 ,well1 how am youh ole jerkwatah railroad these days8 ,am you habbing prosper's times8 ,man1 said the other1 we-all am so prosperous that if we was any moah prosperous we just naturally couldn't stand hit4 ,hough6 said the other1 we-all am moah prosperous than you-all4 ,man1 said the other1 we dun carry moah'n a million passengers last month4 ,foah de ,lord's sake6 ejaculated the first negro4 ,you-all carried moah'n a million passengers8 ,go on with you1 nigger2 we dun kill moah passengers than you carry4 ,it was on a little branch railway in a southern state that the ,new ,england woman ventured to refer to the high rates4 ,it seems to me five cents a mile is extortion1 she said1 with frankness1 to her southern cousin4 ,it's a big lot of money to pay if you think of it by the mile1 said the southerner1 in her soft drawl2 but you just think how cheap it is by the hour1 ,cousin ,annie--only about thirty-five cents4--,youth's ,companion4 ,,rapid ,,transit ,one cold1 wintry morning a man of tall and angular build was walking down a steep hill at a quick pace4 ,a treacherous piece of ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet2 he began to slide and was unable to stop4 ,at a cross-street half-way down the decline he encountered a large1 heavy woman1 with her arms full of bundles4 ,the meeting was sudden1 and before either realized it a collision ensued and both were sliding down hill1 a grand ensemble--the thin man underneath1 the fat woman and bundles on top4 ,when the bottom was reached and the woman was trying in vain to recover her breath and her feet1 these faint words were borne to her ear3 ,pardon me1 madam1 but you will have to get off here4 ,this is as far as ,i go4 ,,reading ,see ,books and ,reading4 ,,real ,,estate ,,agents ,little ,nelly told little ,anita what she termed a little fib4 ,,anita--,a fib is the same as a story1 and a story is the same as a lie4 ,,nelly--,no1 it is not4 ,,anita--,yes1 it is1 because my father said so1 and my father is a professor at the university4 ,,nelly--,i don't care if he is4 ,my father is a real estate man1 and he knows more about lying than your father does4 ,,realism ,the storekeeper at ,yount1 ,idaho1 tells the following tale of ,ole ,olson1 who later became the little town's mayor4 ,one night1 just before closin' up time1 ,ole1 hatless1 coatless1 and breathless1 come rushin' into the store1 an' droppin' on his knees yelled1 ',yon1 ,yon1 hide me1 hide me6 ,ye sheriff's after me6' ',i've no place to hide you here1 ,ole1' said ,i4 ',you moost1 you moost6' screamed ,ole4 ',crawl into that gunny-sack then1' said ,i4 ,he'd no more'n gotten hid when in runs the sheriff4 ',seen ,ole8' said he4 ',don't see him here1' said ,i1 without lyin'4 ,then the sheriff went a-nosin' round an' pretty soon he spotted the gunny-sack over in the corner4 ',what's in here8' said he4 ',oh1 just some old harness and sleigh-bells1' said ,i4 ,with that he gives it an awful boot4 ',yingle1 yingle1 yingle6' moaned ,ole4 ,,mother--,tommy1 if you're pretending to be an automobile1 ,i wish you'd run over to the store and get me some butter4 ,,tommy--,i'm awful sorry1 ,mother1 but ,i'm all out of gasoline4--,judge4 ,children1 said the teacher1 instructing the class in composition1 you should not attempt any flights of fancy2 simply be yourselves and write what is in you4 ,do not imitate any other person's writings or draw inspiration from outside sources4 ,as a result of this advice ,tommy ,wise turned out the following composition3 ,we should not attempt any flights of fancy1 but write what is in us4 ,in me there is my stummick1 lungs1 hart1 liver1 two apples1 one piece of pie1 one stick of lemon candy and my dinner4 ,a great deal of fun has been poked at the realistic school of art1 says a ,new ,york artist1 and it must be confessed that some ground has been given to the enemy4 ,why1 there recently came to my notice a picture of an ,assyrian bath1 done by a ,chicago man1 and so careful was he of all the details that the towels hanging up were all marked ',nebuchadnezzar' in the corner1 in cuneiform characters4 ,,recall ,,sunday ,,school ,,teacher--,johnny1 what is the text from ,judges8 ,,johnny-,i don't believe in recalling the judiciary1 mum4 ,senator1 why don't you unpack your trunk8 ,you'll be in ,washington for six years4 ,i don't know about that4 ,my state has the recall4 ,,recommendations ,a firm of shady outside ,london brokers was prosecuted for swindling4 ,in acquitting them the court1 with great severity1 said3 ,there is not sufficient evidence to convict you1 but if anyone wishes to know my opinion of you ,i hope that they will refer to me4 ,next day the firm's advertisement appeared in every available medium with the following1 well displayed3 ,reference as to probity1 by special permission1 the ,lord ,chief ,justice of ,england4 ,,mistress--,have you a reference8 ,,bridget--,foine2 ,oi held the poker over her till ,oi got it4 ,there is a story of a ,scotch gentleman who had to dismiss his gardener for dishonesty4 ,for the sake of the man's wife and family1 however1 he gave him a character1 and framed it in this way3 ,i hereby certify that ,a4 ,b4 has been my gardener for over two years1 and that during that time he got more out of the garden than any man ,i ever employed4 ,the buxom maid had been hinting that she did not think much of working out1 and this in conjunction with the nightly appearance of a rather sheepish young man caused her mistress much apprehension4 ,martha1 is it possible that you are thinking of getting married8 ,yes'm1 admitted ,martha1 blushing4 ,not that young fellow who has been calling on you lately8 ,yes'm he's the one4 ,but you have only known him a few days4 ,three weeks come ,thursday1 corrected ,martha4 ,do you think that is long enough to know a man before taking such an important step8 ,well1 answered ,martha with spirit1 'tain't 's if he was some new feller4 ,he's well recommended2 a perfectly lovely girl ,i know was engaged to him for a long while4 ,an ,englishman and an ,irishman went to the captain of a ship bound for ,america and asked permission to work their passage over4 ,the captain consented1 but asked the ,irishman for references and let the ,englishman go on without them4 ,this made the ,irishman angry and he planned to get even4 ,one day when they were washing off the deck1 the ,englishman leaned far over the rail1 dropped the bucket1 and was just about to haul it up when a huge wave came and pulled him overboard4 ,the ,irishman stopped scrubbing1 went over to the rail and1 seeing the ,englishman had disappeared1 went to the ,captain and said3 ,perhaps yez remember whin ,i shipped aboard this vessel ye asked me for riferences and let the ,englishman come on widout thim8 ,the ,captain said3 ,yes1 ,i remember4 ,well1 ye've been decaved1 said the ,irishman2 he's gone off wid yer pail6 ,,reconciliations ,yes1 ,i quarreled with my wife about nothing4 ,why don't you make up8 ,i'm going to4 ,all ,i'm worried about now is the indemnity4 ,,reformers ,,louise--,the man that ,edith married is a reformer4 ,,julia--,how did he lose his money8--,judge4 ,he was earnestly but prosily orating at the audience4 ,i want land reform1 he wound up1 ,i want housing reform1 ,i want educational reform1 ,i want-- ,and said a bored voice in the audience3 ,chloroform4 ,the young woman sat before her glass and gazed long and earnestly at the reflection there4 ,she screwed up her face in many ways4 ,she fluffed her hair and then smoothed it down again2 she raised her eyes and lowered them2 she showed her teeth and she pressed her lips tightly together4 ,at last she got up1 with a weary sigh1 and said3 ,it's no use4 ,i'll be some kind of reformer4 ,,regrets ,a ,newport man who was invited to a house party at ,bar ,harbor1 telegraphed to the hostess3 ,regret ,i can't come4 ,lie follows by post4 ,after the death of ,lord ,houghton1 there was found in his correspondence the following reply to a dinner invitation3 ,mrs4 ---- presents her compliments to ,lord ,houghton4 ,her husband died on ,tuesday1 otherwise he would have been delighted to dine with ,lord ,houghton on ,thursday next4 ,a young woman prominent in the social set of an ,ohio town tells of a young man there who had not familiarized himself with the forms of polite correspondence to the fullest extent4 ,when1 on one occasion1 he found it necessary to decline an invitation1 he did so in the following terms3 ,mr4 ,henry ,blank declines with pleasure ,mrs4 ,wood's invitation for the nineteenth1 and thanks her extremely for having given him the opportunity of doing so4 ,,rehearsals ,the funeral procession was moving along the village street when ,uncle ,abe stepped out of a store4 ,he hadn't heard the news4 ,sho1 said ,uncle ,abe1 who they buryin' today8 ,pore old ,tite ,harrison1 said the storekeeper4 ,sho1 said ,uncle ,abe4 ,tite ,harrison1 hey8 ,is ,tite dead8 ,you don't think we're rehearsin' with him1 do you8 snapped the storekeeper4 ,,relatives ,it is hard1 indeed1 said the melancholy gentleman1 to lose one's relatives4 ,hard8 snorted the gentleman of wealth4 ,hard8 ,it is impossible6 ,,religions ,when ,bishop ,phillips ,brooks sailed from ,america on his last trip to ,europe1 a friend jokingly remarked that while abroad he might discover some new religion to bring home with him4 ,but be careful of it1 ,bishop ,brooks1 remarked a listening friend2 it may be difficult to get your new religion through the ,custom ,house4 ,i guess not1 replied the ,bishop1 laughingly1 for we may take it for granted that any new religion popular enough to import will have no duties attached to it4 ,at a recent conference of ,baptists1 ,methodists1 and ,english ,friends1 in the city of ,chengtu1 ,china1 two ,chinamen were heard discussing the three denominations4 ,one of them said to the other3 ,they say these denominations have different beliefs4 ,just what is the difference between them8 ,oh1 said the other1 ,not much6 ,big washee1 little washee1 no washee1 that is all4 ,a recent book on ,russia relates the story of the anger of the ,apostle ,john because a certain peasant burned no tapers to his ikon1 but honored1 instead1 the ikon of ,apostle ,peter in ,st4 ,john's own church4 ,the two apostles talked it over as they walked the fields near ,kieff1 and ,apostle ,john decided to send a terrible storm to destroy the just ripe corn of the peasant4 ,his decision was carried out1 and the next day he met ,apostle ,peter and boasted of his punishing wrath4 ,and ,apostle ,peter only laughed4 ,ai1 yi1 yi1 ,apostle ,john1 he said1 what a mess you've made of it4 ,i stepped around1 saw my friend1 and told him what you were going to do1 so he sold his corn to the priest of your church4 ,the priest of a ,new ,york parish met one of his parishioners1 who had long been out of work1 and asked him whether he had found anything to do4 ,the man grinned with infinite satisfaction1 and replied3 ,yiss indade1 ycr ,riverince1 an' a foine job too6 ,oi'm gettin' three dollars a day fur pullin' down a ,prodesant church6 ,a man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night1 but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a policeman4 ,hold on1 he cried1 you mustn't arrest me4 ,i'm a somnambulist4 ,to which the policeman replied3 ,i don't care what your religion is--yer can't walk the streets in yer nightshirt4 ,the friendship existing between ,father ,kelly and ,rabbi ,levi is proof against differences in race and religion4 ,each distinguished for his learning1 his eloquence and his wit2 and they delight in chaffing each other4 ,they were seated opposite each other at a banquet where some delicious roast ham was served and ,father ,kelly made comments upon its flavor4 ,presently he leaned forward and in a voice that carried far1 he addressed his friend3 ,rabbi ,levi1 when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham8 ,at your wedding1 ,father ,kelly1 retorted the rabbi4 ,the broad-minded see the truth in different religions2 the narrow-minded see only their differences4--,chinese ,proverb4 ,,remedies ,,mistress--,did the mustard plaster do you any good1 ,bridget8 ,,maid--,yes2 but1 begorry1 mum1 it do bite the tongue6 ,,sufferer--,i have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it4 ,,friend--,now1 you don't need any medicine4 ,i had a toothache yesterday and ,i went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away4 ,why don't you try the same8 ,,sufferer--,i think ,i will4 ,is your wife at home now8 ,for every ill beneath the sun ,there is some remedy or none2 ,if there be one1 resolve to find it2 ,if not1 submit1 and never mind it4 ,,reminders ,the wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast3 ,will you post this letter for me1 dear8 ,it's to the furrier1 countermanding my order for that #ijj sable and ermine stole4 ,you'll be sure to remember8 ,the tired eyes of the harassed1 shabby promoter lit up with joy4 ,he seized a skipping rope that lay with a heap of dolls and toys in a corner1 and going to his wife1 he said3 ,here1 tie my right hand to my left foot so ,i won't forget6 ,,repartee ,repartee is saying on the instant what you didn't say until the next morning4 ,among the members of a working gang on a certain railroad was an ,irishman who claimed to be very good at figures4 ,the boss1 thinking that he would get ahead of ,pat1 said3 ,say1 ,pat1 how many shirts can you get out of a yard8 ,that depends1 answered ,pat1 on whose yard you get into4 ,a middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the ,grand ,central ,station in ,new ,york the other day4 ,young man1 he said1 plucking his sleeve1 ,i wanter go to ,central ,park4 ,the youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment4 ,well1 he said finally1 you may just this once4 ,but ,i don't want you ever1 ever to ask me again4 ,,seedy ,,visitor--,do you have many wrecks about here1 boatman8 ,,boatman--,not very many1 sir4 ,you're the first ,i've seen this season4 ,,her ,,dad--,no1 sir2 ,i won't have my daughter tied for life to a stupid fool4 ,,her ,,suitor--,then don't you think you'd better let me take her off your hands8 ,wendell ,phillips was traveling through ,ohio once when he fell in with a car full of ministers returning from a convention4 ,one of the ministers1 a southerner from ,kentucky1 was naturally not very cordial to the opinions of the great abolitionist and set out to embarrass ,mr4 ,phillips4 ,so1 before the group of ministers1 he said3 ,you are ,wendell ,phillips1 are you not8 ,yes1 answered the great abolitionist4 ,and you are trying to free the niggers1 aren't you8 ,yes1 sir2 ,i am4 ,well1 why do you preach your doctrines up here8 ,why don't you go over into ,kentucky8 ,excuse me1 are you a preacher8 ,i am1 sir4 ,are you trying to save souls from hell8 ,yes1 sir2 that is my business4 ,well1 why don't you go there then8 asked ,mr4 ,phillips4 ,,solemn ,,senior--,so your efforts to get on the team were fruitless1 were they8 ,,foolish ,,freshman--,oh1 no6 ,not at all4 ,they gave me a lemon4--,harvard ,lampoon4 ,a benevolent person watched a workman laboriously windlassing rock from a shaft while the broiling sun was beating down on his bare head4 ,my dear man1 observed the onlooker1 are you not afraid that your brain will be affected in the hot sun8 ,the laborer contemplated him for a moment and then replied3 ,do you think a man with any brains would be working at this kind of a job8 ,winston ,churchill1 the young ,english statesman1 recently began to raise a mustache1 and while it was still in the budding stage he was asked at a dinner party to take in to dinner an ,english girl who had decided opposing political views4 ,i am sorry1 said ,mr4 ,churchill1 we cannot agree on politics4 ,no1 we can't1 rejoined the girl1 for to be frank with you ,i like your politics about as little as ,i do your mustache4 ,well1 replied ,mr4 ,churchill1 remember that you are not likely to come into contact with either4 ,strickland ,gillilan1 the lecturer and the man who pole-vaulted into fame by his ,off ,ag'in1 ,on ,ag'in1 ,finnigin verses1 was about to deliver a lecture in a small ,missouri town4 ,he asked the chairman of the committee whether he might have a small pitcher of ice-water on the platform table4 ,to drink8 queried the committeeman4 ,no1 answered ,gillilan4 ,i do a high-diving act4 ,,traveler--,say1 boy1 your corn looks kind of yellow4 ,,boy--,yes1 sir4 ,that's the kind we planted4 ,,traveler--,looks as though you will only have half a crop4 ,,boy--,don't expect any more4 ,the landlord gets the other half4 ,,traveler 7after a moment's thought7--,say1 there is not much difference between you and a fool4 ,,boy--,no1 sir4 ,only the fence4 ,president ,lincoln was busily engaged in his office when an attendant1 a young man of sixteen1 unceremoniously entered and gave him a card4 ,without rising1 the ,president glanced at the card4 ,pshaw4 ,she here again8 ,i told her last week that ,i could not interfere in her case4 ,i cannot see her1 he said impatiently4 ,get rid of her any way you can4 ,tell her ,i am asleep1 or anything you like4 ,quickly returning to the lady in an adjacent room1 this exceedingly bright boy said to her1 ,the ,president told me to tell you that he is asleep4 ,the lady's eyes sparkled as she responded1 ,ah1 he says he is asleep1 eh8 ,well1 will you be kind enough to return and ask him when he intends to wake up8 ,the garrulous old lady in the stern of the boat had pestered the guide with her comments and questions ever since they had started4 ,her meek little husband1 who was hunched toad-like in the bow1 fished in silence4 ,the old lady had seemingly exhausted every possible point in fish and animal life1 woodcraft1 and personal history when she suddenly espied one of those curious paths of oily1 unbroken water frequently seen on small lakes which are ruffled by a light breeze4 ,oh1 guide1 guide1 she exclaimed1 what makes that funny streak in the water--,no1 there--,right over there6 ,the guide was busy re-baiting the old gentleman's hook and merely mumbled ,u-m-mm4 ,guide1 repeated the old lady in tones that were not to be denied1 look right over there where ,i'm pointing and tell me what makes that funny streak in the water4 ,the guide looked up from his baiting with a sigh4 ,that8 ,oh1 that's where the road went across the ice last winter4 ,nothing more clearly expresses the sentiments of ,harvard men in seasons of athletic rivalry than the time-honored ,to hell with ,yale6 ,once when ,dean ,briggs1 of ,harvard1 and ,edward ,everett ,hale were on their way to a game at ,soldiers' ,field a friend asked3 ,where are you going1 ,dean8 ,to yell with ,hale1 answered ,briggs with a meaning smile4 ,john ,kendrick ,bangs one day called up his wife on the telephone4 ,the maid at the other end did not recognize her master's voice1 and after ,bangs had told her whom he wanted the maid asked3 ,do you wish to speak with ,mrs4 ,bangs8 ,no1 indeed1 replied the humorist2 ,i want to kiss her4 ,a boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were installed4 ,your wife would like to speak to you on the 'phone1 sir1 he said to his employer4 ,which one8 inquired the boss1 starting toward the two booths4 ,please1 sir1 she didn't say1 and ,i didn't know that you had more than one4 ,an ,englishman was being shown the sights along the ,potomac4 ,here1 remarked the ,american1 is where ,george ,washington threw a dollar across the river4 ,well1 replied the ,englishman1 that is not very remarkable1 for a dollar went much further in those days than it does now4 ,the ,american would not be worsted1 so1 after a short pause1 he said3 ,but ,washington accomplished a greater feat than that4 ,he once chucked a sovereign across the ,atlantic4 ,pat was busy on a road working with his coat off4 ,there were two ,englishmen laboring on the same road1 so they decided to have a joke with the ,irishman4 ,they painted a donkey's head on the back of ,pat's coat1 and watched to see him put it on4 ,pat1 of course1 saw the donkey's head on his coat1 and1 turning to the ,englishmen1 said3 ,which of yez wiped your face on me coat8 ,a district leader went to ,sea ,girt1 in #aiab1 to see the ,democratic candidate for ,president4 ,in the course of an animated conversation1 the leader1 noticing that ,governor ,wilson's eyeglasses were perched perilously near the tip of his nose remarked3 ,your glasses1 ,governor1 are almost on your mouth4 ,that's all right1 was the quick response4 ,i want to see what ,i'm talking about4 ,according to the ,london ,globe two ,germans were halted at the ,french frontier by the customs officers4 ,we have each to declare three bottles of red wine1 said one of the ,germans to the douaniers4 ,how much to pay8 ,where are the bottles8 asked the customs man4 ,they are within6 laughed the ,teuton making a gesture4 ,the ,french douanier1 unruffled1 took down his tariff book and read1 or pretended to read3 ,wines imported in bottles pay so much1 wines imported in barrels pay so much1 and wines en peaux d'ne pay no duty4 ,you can pass1 gentlemen4 ,a small boy was hoeing corn in a sterile field by the roadside1 when a passer-by stopped and said3 ',pears to me your corn is rather small4 ,certainly1 said the boy2 it's dwarf corn4 ,but it looks yaller4 ,certainly2 we planted the yaller kind4 ,but it looks as if you wouldn't get more than half a crop4 ,of course not2 we planted it on halves4 ,,reporting ,see ,journalism2 ,newspapers4 ,,republican ,,party ,the morning after a banquet1 during the ,democratic convention in ,baltimore1 a prominent ,republican thus greeted an equally well-known ,democrat3 ,i understand there were some ,republicans at the banquet last night4 ,oh1 yes1 said the ,democrat genially1 one waited on me4 ,,reputation ,popularity is when people like you2 and reputation is when they ought to1 but really can't4--,frank ,richardson4 ,,resemblances ,senator ,blackburn is a thorough ,kentuckian1 and has all the local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his ,state4 ,he also has the prejudice against being taken for an ,indianian which seems inherent in all native-born ,kentuckians4 ,while coming to ,congress1 several sessions ago1 he was approached in the ,pullman coach by a ,new ,yorker1 who1 after bowing politely to him1 said3 ,is not this ,senator ,blackburn of ,indiana8 ,the ,kentuckian sprang from his seat1 and glaring at his interlocutor exclaimed angrily3 ,no1 sir1 by ----4 ,the reason ,i look so bad is ,i have been sick6 ,every time the baby looks into my face he smiles1 said ,mr4 ,meekins4 ,well1 answered his wife1 it may not be exactly polite1 but it shows he has a sense of humor4 ,mark ,twain constantly received letters and photographs from men who had been told that they looked like him4 ,one was from ,florida1 and the likeness1 as shown by the man's picture1 was really remarkable so remarkable1 indeed1 that ,mr4 ,clemens sent the following acknowledgment3 ,my ,dear ,sir3 ,i thank you very much for your letter and the photograph4 ,in my opinion you are certainly more like me than any other of my doubles4 ,in fact1 ,i am sure that if you stood before me in a mirrorless frame ,i could shave by you4 ,,neighbor3 ,johnny1 ,i think in looks you favor your mother a great deal4 ,,johnny3 ,well4 ,i may look like her1 but do you tink dat's a favor8 ,,resignation ,then you don't think ,i practice what ,i preach1 eh8 queried the minister in talking with one of the deacons at a meeting4 ,no1 sir1 ,i don't1 replied the deacon ,you've been preachin' on the subject of resignation for two years an' ye haven't resigned yet4 ,,respectability ,is he respectable8' ,eminently so4 ,he's never been indicted for anything less than stealing a railroad4--,wasp4 ,,rest ,,cure ,a weather-beaten damsel somewhat over six feet in height and with a pair of shoulders proportionately broad appeared at a back door in ,wyoming and asked for light housework4 ,she said that her name was ,lizzie1 and explained that she had been ill with typhoid and was convalescing4 ,where did you come from1 ,lizzie8 inquired the woman of the house4 ,where have you been8 ,i've been workin' out on ,howell's ranch1 replied ,lizzie1 diggin' post-holes while ,i was gittin' my strength back4 ,,retaliation ,you know that fellow1 ,jim ,mc,groiarty1 the lad that's always comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin'1 ',how are ye8' ,i know him4 ,i'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars for me--some of them clear ,havanny--but ,i'll get even with him now4 ,how will you do it8 ,i'll tell ye4 ,jim always hits me over the vest pocket where ,i carry my cigars4 ,he'll hit me just once more4 ,there's no cigar in me vest pocket this mornin'4 ,instead of it1 there's a stick of dynamite1 d'ye mind6 ,once when ,henry ,ward ,beecher was in the midst of an eloquent political speech some wag in the audience crowed like a cock4 ,it was done to perfection and the audience was convulsed with laughter4 ,the great orator's friends felt uneasy as to his reception of the interruption4 ,but ,mr4 ,beecher stood perfectly calm4 ,he stopped speaking1 listened till the crowing ceased1 and while the audience was laughing he pulled out his watch4 ,then he said3 ,that's strange4 ,my watch says it is only ten o'clock4 ,but there can't be any mistake about it4 ,it must be morning1 for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible4 ,an ,episcopal clergyman1 rector of a fashionable church in one of ,boston's most exclusive suburbs1 so as not to be bothered with the innumerable telephone calls that fall to one in his profession1 had his name left out of the telephone book4 ,a prominent merchant of the same name1 living in the same suburb1 was continually annoyed by requests to officiate at funerals and baptisms4 ,he went to the rector1 told his troubles in a kindly way1 and asked the parson to have his name put in the directory4 ,but without success4 ,the merchant then determined to complain to the telephone company4 ,as he was writing the letter1 one ,saturday evening1 the telephone rang and the timid voice of a young man asked if the ,rev4 ,mr4 ,blank would marry him at once4 ,a happy thought came to the merchant3 ,no1 ,i'm too damn busy writing my sermon1 he replied4 ,,revolutions ,haiti was in the midst of a revolution4 ,as a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a third was about to be caught between them4 ,the commander of the third party saw the predicament4 ,on the right government troops1 on the left insurgents4 ,general1 why do you not give the order to fire8 asked an aide1 dashing up on a lame mule4 ,i would like to1 responded the general1 but1 ,great ,scott6 ,i can't remember which side we're fighting for4 ,,rewards ,said a great ,congregational preacher ,to a hen1 ,you're a beautiful creature4 ,and the hen1 just for that1 ,laid an egg in his hat1 ,and thus did the ,hen reward ,beecher4 ,,rheumatism ,,farmer ,,barnes--,i've bought a barometer1 ,hannah1 to tell when it's going to rain1 ye know4 ,,mrs4 ,,barnes--,to tell when it's goin' to rain6 ,why1 ,i never heard o' such extravagance4 ,what do ye s'pose th' ,lord has given ye th' rheumatis for8--,tit-,bits4 ,,roads ,a ,yankee just returning to the states was dining with an ,englishman1 and the latter complained of the mud in ,america4 ,yes1 said the ,american1 but it's nothing to the mud over here4 ,nonsense6 said the ,englishman4 ,fact1 the ,american replied4 ,why1 this afternoon ,i had a remarkable adventure--came near getting into trouble with an old gentleman--all through your confounded mud4 ,some of the streets are a little greasy at this season1 ,i admit1 said the ,englishman4 ,what was your adventure1 though8 ,well1 said the ,american1 as ,i was walking along ,i noticed that the mud was very thick1 and presently ,i saw a high hat afloat on a large puddle of very rich ooze4 ,thinking to do some one a kindness1 ,i gave the hat a poke with my stick1 when an old gentleman looked up from beneath1 surprised and frowning4 ',hello6' ,i said4 ',you're in pretty deep6' ',deeper than you think1' he said4 ',i'm on the top of an omnibus6' ,,roasts ,as ,william ,faversham was having his luncheon in a ,birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor1 who1 during the whole of the meal1 stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching ,faversham eat4 ,at length1 unable to endure it any longer1 ,mr4 ,faversham rang the bell and said3 ,waiter1 kindly turn that gentleman around4 ,i think he is done on that side4 ,,roosevelt1 ,,theodore ,a delegation from ,kansas visited ,theodore ,roosevelt at ,oyster ,bay some years ago1 while he was president4 ,the host met them with coat and collar off1 mopping his brow4 ,ah1 gentlemen1 he said1 dee-lighted to see you4 ,dee-lighted4 ,but ,i'm very busy putting in my hay just now4 ,come down to the barn with me and we'll talk things over while ,i work4 ,down to the barn hustled ,president and delegation4 ,mr4 ,roosevelt seized a pitchfork and--but where was the hay8 ,john6 shouted the ,president4 ,john6 where's all the hay8 ,sorry1 sir1 came ,john's voice from the loft1 but ,i ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up for yesterday's delegation4 ,,salaries ,a country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank4 ,the teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills1 saying1 ,i hope you're not afraid of microbes4 ,not a bit of it1 the schoolma'am replied4 ,i'm sure no microbe could live on my salary6--,frances ,kirkland4 ,,salesmen ,,and ,,salesmanship ,a darky fruit-dealer in ,georgia has a sign above his wares that reads3 ,watermelons ,our choice #be cents4 ,your choice #ce cents4 --,elgin ,burroughs4 ,the quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known merchant was severely tested one day4 ,he sent in his card by the office-boy to the manager of a large concern1 whose inner office was separated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition4 ,when the boy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tear it in half and throw it in the waste-basket2 the boy came out and told the caller that he could not see the chief4 ,the salesman told the boy to go back and get him his card2 the boy brought out five cents1 with the message that his card was torn up4 ,then the salesman took out another card and sent the boy back1 saying3 ,tell your boss ,i sell two cards for five cents4 ,he got his interview and sold a large bill of goods4 ,a young man entered a hat store and asked to see the latest styles in derbies4 ,he was evidently hard to please1 for soon the counter was covered with hats that he had tried on and found wanting4 ,at last the salesman picked up a brown derby1 brushed it off on his sleeve1 and extended it admiringly4 ,these are being very much worn this season1 sir1 he said4 ,won't you try it on8 ,the customer put the hat on and surveyed himself critically in the mirror4 ,you're sure it's in style8 ,the most fashionable thing we have in the shop1 sir4 ,and it suits you to perfection--if the fit's right4 ,yes1 it fits very well4 ,so you think ,i had better have it8 ,i don't think you could do better4 ,no1 ,i don't think ,i could4 ,so ,i guess ,i won't buy a new one after all4 ,the salesman had been boosting the customer's old hat1 which had become mixed among the many new ones4 ,,visitor--,can ,i see that motorist who was brought here an hour ago8 ,,nurse--,he hasn't come to his senses yet4 ,,visitor--,oh1 that's all right4 ,i only want to sell him another car4--,judge4 ,that fellow is too slick for me4 ,sold me a lot that was two feet under water4 ,i went around to demand my money back4 ,get it8 ,get nothing6 ,then he sold me a second-hand gasoline launch and a copy of ',venetian ,life1' by ,w4,d4 ,howells4 ,in a small ,south ,carolina town that was finished before the war1 two men were playing checkers in the back of a store4 ,a traveling man who was making his first trip to the town was watching the game1 and1 not being acquainted with the business methods of the citizens1 he called the attention of the owner of the store to some customers who had just entered the front door4 ,sh6 ,sh6 answered the storekeeper1 making another move on the checkerboard4 ,keep perfectly quiet and they'll go out4 ,he who finds he has something to sell1 ,and goes and whispers it down a well1 ,is not so apt to collar the dollars1 ,as he who climbs a tree and hollers4 --,the ,advertiser ,,saloons ,where can ,i get a drink in this town8 asked a traveling man who landed at a little town in the oil region of ,oklahoma1 of the 'bus driver4 ,see that millinery shop over there8 asked the driver1 pointing to a building near the depot4 ,you don't mean to say they sell whiskey in a millinery store8 exclaimed the drummer4 ,no1 ,i mean that's the only place here they don't sell it1 said the 'bus man4 ,,salvation ,,willis--,some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they die4 ,,gillis--,i don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of these other rich fellows who are trying to get in on the instalment plan of ten cents a ,sunday while they're living4--,lauren ,s4 ,hamilton4 ,an ,italian noble at church one day gave a priest who begged for the souls in purgatory1 a piece of gold4 ,ah1 my lord1 said the good father1 you have now delivered a soul4 ,the count threw another piece upon the plate4 ,here is another soul delivered1 said the priest4 ,are you positive of it8 replied the count4 ,yes1 my lord1 replied the priest2 ,i am certain they are now in heaven4 ,then1 said the count1 ,i'll take back my money1 for it signifies nothing to you now1 seeing the souls have already got to heaven4 ,an ,episcopal missionary in ,wyoming visited one of the outlying districts in his territory for the purpose of conducting prayer in the home of a large family not conspicuous for its piety4 ,he made known his intentions to the woman of the house1 and she murmured vaguely that she'd go out and see4 ,she was long in returning1 and after a tiresome wait the missionary went to the door and called with some impatience3 ,aren't you coming in8 ,don't you care anything about your souls8 ,souls8 yelled the head of the family from the orchard4 ,we haven't got time to fool with our souls when the bees are swarmin'4 ,edith was light-hearted and merry over everything4 ,nothing appealed to her seriously4 ,so1 one day1 her mother decided to invite a very serious young parson to dinner1 and he was placed next the light-hearted girl4 ,everything went well until she asked him3 ,you speak of everybody having a mission4 ,what is yours8 ,my mission1 said the parson1 is to save young men4 ,good1 replied the girl1 ,i'm glad to meet you4 ,i wish you'd save one for me4 ,,saving ,take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your heirs4--,puck4 ,do you save up money for a rainy day1 dear8 ,oh1 no6 ,i never shop when it rains4 ,,johnny--,papa1 would you be glad if ,i saved a dollar for you8 ,,papa--,certainly1 my son4 ,,johnny--,well1 ,i saved it for you1 all right4 ,you said if ,i brought a first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar1 and ,i didn't bring it4 ,according to the following story1 economy has its pains as well as its pleasures1 even after the saving is done4 ,one spring1 for some reason1 old ,eli was going round town with the face of dissatisfaction1 and1 when questioned1 poured forth his voluble tale of woe thus3 ,marse ,geo'ge1 he come to me last fall an' he say1 ',eli1 dis gwine ter be a hard winter1 so yo' be keerful1 an' save yo' wages fas' an' tight4' ,an' ,i b'lieve ,marse ,geo'ge1 yas1 sah1 ,i b'lieve him1 an' ,i save an' ,i save1 an' when de winter come it ain't got no hardship1 an' dere was ,i wid all dat money jes' frown on mah hands6 ,robert dear1 said the coy little maiden to her sweetheart1 ,i'm sure you love me2 but give me some proof of it1 darling4 ,we can't marry on fifteen dollars a week1 you know4 ,well1 what do you want me to do8 said he1 with a grieved air4 ,why1 save up a thousand dollars1 and have it safe in the bank1 and then ,i'll marry you4 ,about two months later she cuddled up close to him on the sofa one evening1 and said3 ,robert dear1 have you saved up that thousand yet8 ,why1 no1 my love1 he replied2 not all of it4 ,how much have you saved1 darling8 ,just two dollars and thirty-five cents1 dear4 ,oh1 well1 said the sweet young thing as she snuggled a little closer1 don't let's wait any longer1 darling4 ,i guess that'll do4--,r4,m4 ,winans4 ,see also ,economy2 ,thrift4 ,,scandal ,an ill wind that blows nobody good4 ,,scholarship ,there is in ,washington an old grouch' whose son was graduated from ,yale4 ,when the young man came home at the end of his first term1 he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class4 ,but the old gentleman was not satisfied4 ,next to the head6 he exclaimed4 ,what do you mean8 ,i'd like to know what you think ,i'm sending you to college for8 ,next to the head6 ,why aren't you at the head1 where you ought to be8 ,at this the son was much crestfallen2 but upon his return1 he went about his work with such ambition that at the end of the term he found himself in the coveted place4 ,when he went home that year he felt very proud4 ,it would be great news for the old man4 ,when the announcement was made1 the father contemplated his son for a few minutes in silence2 then1 with a shrug1 he remarked3 ,at the head of the class1 eh8 ,well1 that's a fine commentary on ,yale ,university6--,howard ,morse4 ,well1 there were only three boys in school to-day who could answer one question that the teacher asked us1 said a proud boy of eight4 ,and ,i hope my boy was one of the three1 said the proud mother4 ,well1 ,i was1 answered ,young ,hopeful1 and ,sam ,harris and ,harry ,stone were the other two4 ,i am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar1 my son2 it makes your mother proud of you4 ,what question did the teacher ask1 ,johnnie8 ',who broke the glass in the back window8' ,sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in his school work4 ,she scolded1 coaxed1 even promised him a dime if he would do better4 ,the next day he came running home4 ,oh1 mother1 he shouted1 ,i got a hundred6 ,and what did you get a hundred in8 ,in two things1 replied ,sammy without hesitation4 ,i got forty in readin' and sixty in spellin'4 ,who ceases to be a student has never been one4--,george ,iles4 ,see also ,college students4 ,,schools ,mamma1 complained little ,elsie1 ,i don't feel very well4 ,that's too bad1 dear1 said mother sympathetically4 ,where do you feel worst8 ,in school1 mamma4 ,,scientific ,,management ,the late ,sylvanus ,miller1 civil engineer1 who was engaged in railroad enterprise in ,central ,america1 was seeking local support for a road and attempted to give the matter point4 ,he asked a native3 ,how long does it take you to carry your goods to market by muleback8 ,three days1 was the reply4 ,there's the point1 said ,miller4 ,with our road in operation you could take your goods to market and be back home in one day4 ,very good1 senor1 answered the native4 ,but what would we do with the other two days8 ,a visitor from ,new ,york to the suburbs said to his host during the afternoon3 ,by the way1 your front gate needs repairing4 ,it was all ,i could do to get it open4 ,you ought to have it trimmed or greased or something4 ,oh1 no1 replied the owner ,oh1 no1 that's all right4 ,why is it8 asked the visitor4 ,because1 was the reply1 every one who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof4 ,,scotch1 ,,the ,a ,scotsman is one who prays on his knees on ,sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days4 ,it being the southerner's turn1 he told about a county in ,missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man prohibits the sale of liquor there4 ,and what1 he asked1 do you suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry8 ,nobody had an idea4 ,mackintosh1 as ,i'm alive6 declared the southerner4 ,everybody laughed except the ,englishman4 ,it's just like a ,scotsman to be so obstinate6 he sniffed1 and was much astonished when the rest of the party laughed more than ever4 ,a ,scottish minister1 taking his walk early in the morning1 found one of his parishioners recumbent in a ditch4 ,where hae you been the nicht1 ,andrew8 asked the minister4 ,weel1 ,i dinna richtly ken1 answered the prostrate one1 whether it was a wedding' or a funeral1 but whichever it was it was a most extraordinary success4 ,see also ,thrift4 ,,seasickness ,a ,philadelphian1 on his way to ,europe1 was experiencing seasickness for the first time4 ,calling his wife to his bedside1 he said in a weak voice3 ,jennie1 my will is in the ,commercial ,trust ,company's care4 ,everything is left to you1 dear4 ,my various stocks you will find in my safe-deposit box4 ,then he said fervently3 ,and1 ,jenny1 bury me on the other side4 ,i can't stand this trip again1 alive or dead4--,joe ,king4 ,motto for the dining saloon of an ocean steamship3 ,man wants but little here below1 nor wants that little long4 ,on the steamer the little bride was very much concerned about her husband1 who was troubled with dyspepsia4 ,my husband is peculiarly liable to seasickness1 ,captain1 remarked the bride4 ,could you tell him what to do in case of an attack8 ,that won't be necessary1 ,madam1 replied the ,captain2 he'll do it4 ,a clergyman who was holding a children's service at a ,continental winter resort had occasion to catechize his hearers on the parable1 of the unjust steward4 ,what is a steward8 he asked4 ,a little boy who had arrived from ,england a few days before held up his hand4 ,he is a man1 sir1 he replied1 with a reminiscent look on his face1 who brings you a basin4 ,the first day out was perfectly lovely1 said the young lady just back from abroad4 ,the water was as smooth as glass1 and it was simply gorgeous4 ,but the second day was rough and--er--decidedly disgorgeous4 ,the great ocean liner rolled and pitched4 ,henry1 faltered the young bride1 do you still love me8 ,more than ever1 darling6 was ,henry's fervent answer4 ,then there was an eloquent silence4 ,henry1 she gasped1 turning her pale1 ghastly face away1 ,i thought that would make me feel better1 but it doesn't6 ,there was a young man from ,ostend1 ,who vowed he'd hold out to the end2 ,but when half way over ,from ,calais to ,dover1 ,he did what he didn't intend4 ,,seasons ,there was a young fellow named ,hall1 ,who fell in the spring in the fall2 ',twould have been a sad thing ,if he'd died in the spring1 ,but he didn't--he died in the fall4 ,,senators ,a ,senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something worse4 ,you have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation1 have you not8 said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions4 ,yes1 miss1 answered ,senator ,sorghum1 blandly2 ,i think ,i have participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made4 ,an aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed individual3 ,here1 mind my machine a minute1 will you8 ,what8 the well-dressed individual snarled4 ,me mind your machine8 ,why1 ,i'm a ,united ,states ,senator6 ,well1 what of it8 said the aviator4 ,i'll trust you4 ,,sense ,,of ,,humor ,what of his sense of humor8 ,well1 he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once4 --,richard ,kirk4 ,a sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life1 says ,rear ,admiral ,buhler4 ,but even a sense of humor may exist in excess4 ,i have in mind the case of a ,british soldier who was sentenced to be flogged4 ,during the flogging he laughed continually4 ,the harder the lash was laid on1 the harder the soldier laughed4 ',wot's so funny about bein' flogged8' demanded the sergeant4 ',why1' the soldier chuckled1 ',i'm the wrong man4' ,mark ,twain once approached a friend1 a business man1 and confided to him that he needed the assistance of a stenographer4 ,i can send you one1 a fine young fellow1 the friend said1 ,he came to my office yesterday in search of a position1 but ,i didn't have an opening4 ,has he a sense of humor8 ,mark asked cautiously4 ,a sense of humor8 ,he has--in fact1 he got off one or two pretty witty things himself yesterday1 the friend hastened to assure him4 ,sorry1 but he won't do1 then1 ,mark said4 ,won't do8 ,why8 ,no1 said ,mark4 ,i had one once before with a sense of humor1 and it interfered too much with the work4 ,i cannot afford to pay a man two dollars a day for laughing4 ,the perception of the ludicrous is a pledge of sanity4--,emerson4 ,,sentries ,see ,armies4 ,,sermons ,see ,preaching4 ,,servants ,,tommy--,pop1 what is it that the ,bible says is here to-day and gone to-morrow8 ,,pop--,probably the cook1 my son4 ,as usual1 they began discussing the play after the theater4 ,well1 how did you like the piece1 my dear8 asked the fond husband who had always found his wife a good critic4 ,very much4 ,there's only one improbable thing in it3 the second act takes place two years after the first1 and they have the same servant4 ,,smith--,we are certainly in luck with our new cook--soup1 meat1 vegetables and dessert1 everything perfect6 ,,mrs4 ,s4--,yes1 but the dessert was made by her successor4 ,,the ,,new ,,girl--,an' may me intended visit me every ,sunday afternoon1 ma'am8 ,,mistress--,who is your intended1 ,delia8 ,,the ,,new ,,girl--,i don't know yet1 ma'am4 ,i'm a stranger in town4 ,and do you have to be called in the morning8 asked the lady who was about to engage a new girl4 ,i don't has to be1 mum1 replied the applicant1 unless you happens to need me4 ,a maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently4 ,the host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least4 ,these little accidents happen 'most every day1 he said apologetically4 ,you see1 she isn't a trained waitress4 ,she was a dairymaid originally1 but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their horns4 ,young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with the sad experience of a ,washington woman4 ,when her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in tears1 and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief4 ,dan1 said she1 every day this week ,i have stopped to look at a perfect love of a hat in ,mme4 ,louise's window4 ,such a hat1 ,dan1 such a beautiful hat6 ,but the price--well1 ,i wanted it the worst way1 but just couldn't afford to buy it4 ,well1 dear1 began the husband recklessly1 we might manage to-- ,thank you1 ,dan1 interrupted the wife1 but there isn't any 'might' about it4 ,i paid the cook this noon1 and what do you think8 ,she marched right down herself and bought that hat6--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,it is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a ,scandinavian servant1 recently taken into the service of a young matron of ,chicago4 ,the youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle patronizing4 ,now1 ,lena1 she asked earnestly1 are you a good cook8 ,ya-as1 'm1 ,i tank so1 said the girl1 with perfect naivet1 if you vill not try to help me4--,elgin ,burroughs4 ,have you a good cook now8 ,i don't know4 ,i haven't been home since breakfast6 ,,mrs4 ,,littletown--,this magazine looks rather the worse for wear4 ,,mrs4 ,,neartown--,yes1 it's the one ,i sometimes lend to the servant on ,sundays4 ,,mrs4 ,,littletown--,doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one8 ,,mrs4 ,,neartown--,oh1 no4 ,you see1 it's the same book1 but it's always a different servant4--,suburban ,life4 ,,mrs4 ,,housen ,,hohm--,what is your name8 ,,applicant ,,for ,,cookship--,miss ,arlington4 ,,mrs4 ,,housen ,,hohm--,do you expect to be called ,miss ,arlington8 ,,applicant---,no1 ma'am2 not if you have an alarm clock in my room4 ,,mistress--,nora1 ,i saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby4 ,i hope you will remember my objection to such things4 ,,nora--,sure1 ma'am1 no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby whin ,i'm around4 ,see also ,gratitude2 ,recommendations4 ,,shopping ,,clerk--,can you let me off to-morrow afternoon8 ,my wife wants me to go shopping with her4 ,,employer--,certainly not4 ,we are much too busy4 ,,clerk--,thank you very much1 sir4 ,you are very kind6 ,,shyness ,the late lan ,maclaren 7,dr4 ,john ,watson7 once told this story on himself to some friends3 ,i was coming over on the steamer to ,america1 when one day ,i went into the library to do some literary work4 ,i was very busy and looked so1 ,i suppose4 ,i had no sooner started to write than a diffident-looking young man plumped into the chair opposite me1 began twirling his cap and stared at me4 ,i let him sit there4 ,an hour or more passed1 and he was still there1 returning my occasional and discouraging glances at him with a foolish1 ingratiating smile4 ,i was inclined to be annoyed4 ,i had a suspicion that he was a reader of my books1 perhaps an admirer--or an autograph-hunter4 ,he could wait4 ,but at last he rose1 and still twirling his cap1 he spoke3 ',excuse me1 ,doctor ,watson2 ,i'm getting deathly sick in here and ,i'm real sorry to disturb you1 but ,i thought you'd like to know that just as soon as you left her ,mrs4 ,watson fell down the companionway stairs1 and ,i guess she hurt herself pretty badly4' ,,signs ,when the late ,senator ,wolcott first went to ,colorado he and his brother opened a law office at ,idaho ,springs under the firm name of ,ed4 ,wolcott ,bro4 ,later the partnership was dissolved4 ,the future senator packed his few assets1 including the sign that had hung outside of his office1 upon a burro and started for ,georgetown1 a mining town farther up in the hills4 ,upon his arrival he was greeted by a crowd of miners who critically surveyed him and his outfit4 ,one of them1 looking first at the sign that hung over the pack1 then at ,wolcott1 and finally at the donkey1 ventured3 ,say1 stranger1 which of you is ,ed8 ,buck ,kilgore1 of ,texas1 who once kicked open the door of the ,house of ,representatives when ,speaker ,reed had all doors locked to prevent the minority from leaving the floor and thus escaping a vote1 was noted for his indifference to forms and rules4 ,speaker ,reed1 annoyed by members bringing lighted cigars upon the floor of the ,house just before opening time1 had signs conspicuously posted as follows3 ,no smoking on the floor of the ,house4 ,one day just before convening the ,house his eagle eye detected ,kilgore nonchalantly puffing away at a fat cigar4 ,calling a page1 he told him to give his compliments to the gentleman from ,texas and ask him if he had not seen the signs4 ,after a while the page returned and seated himself without reporting to the ,speaker1 and ,mr4 ,reed was irritated to see the gentleman from ,texas continue his smoke4 ,with a frown he summoned the page and asked3 ,did you tell the gentleman from ,texas what ,i said8 ,i did1 replied the page4 ,what did he say8 asked ,reed4 ,well--er1 stammered the page1 he said to give his compliments to you and tell you he did not believe in signs4 ,,silence ,a conversation with an ,englishman4--,heine4 ,,ball-,what is silence8 ,,hall-,the college yell of the school of experience4 ,the other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a closely contested game of golf4 ,he carefully teed up his ball and addressed it with the most aproved grace2 he raised his driver and hit the ball a tremendous clip1 but instead of soaring into the azure it perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in a circle4 ,the clerical gentleman frowned1 scowled1 pursed up his mouth and bit his lips1 but said nothing1 and a friend who stood by him said3 ,doctor1 that is the most profane silence ,i ever witnessed4 ,,sin ,man-like is it to fall into sin1 ,fiend-like is it to dwell therein1 ,christ-like is it for sin to grieve1 ,god-like is it all sin to leave4 --,friedrich von ,logan4 ,now1 said the clergyman to the ,sunday-school class1 can any of you tell me what are sins of omission8 ,yes1 sir1 said the small boy4 ,they are the sins we ought to have done and haven't4 ,,singers ,as the celebrated soprano began to sing1 little ,johnnie became greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor4 ,what's that man shaking his stick at her for8 he demanded indignantly4 ,sh-h6 ,he's not shaking his stick at her4 ,but ,johnny was not convinced4 ,then what in thunder's she hollering for8 ,a visiting clergyman was occupying a pulpit in ,st4 ,louis one ,sunday when it was the turn of the bass to sing a solo1 which he did very badly1 to the annoyance of the preacher1 a lover of music4 ,when the singer fell back in his seat1 red of face and exhausted1 the clergyman arose1 placed his hands on the unopened ,bible1 deliberately surveyed the faces of the congregation1 and announced the text3 ,and the wind ceased and there was a great calm4 ,it wasn't the text he had chosen1 but it fitted his sermon as well as the occasion4 ,one cold1 wet1 and windy night he came upon a negro shivering in the doorway of an ,atlanta store4 ,wondering what the darky could be doing1 standing on a cold1 wet night in such a draughty position1 the proprietor of the shop said3 ,jim1 what are you doing here8 ',sense me1 sir1 said ,jim1 but ,i'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin' at church1 an' ,i am tryin' to ketch a cold4--,howard ,morse4 ,the man who sings all day at work is a happy man4 ,yes1 but how about the man who works and has to listen to him8 ,miss ,jeanette ,gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debut of ,tetrazzini4 ,after the first act she rushed to the back of the house to greet one of her friends4 ,don't you think she is a wonder8 she asked excitedly4 ,she is a great singer unquestionably1 responded her more phlegmatic friend1 but the registers of her voice are not so even as1 for instance1 ,melba's4 ,oh1 bother ,melba1 said ,miss ,gilder4 ,tetrazzini gives infinitely more heat from her registers4 ,at a certain ,scottish dinner it was found that every one had contributed to the evening's entertainment but a certain ,doctor ,mac,donald4 ,come1 come1 ,doctor ,mac,donald1 said the chairman1 we cannot let you escape4 ,the doctor protested that he could not sing4 ,my voice is altogether unmusical1 and resembles the sound caused by the act of rubbing a brick along the panels of a door4 ,the company attributed this to the doctor's modesty4 ,good singers1 he was reminded1 always needed a lot of pressing4 ,very well1 said the doctor1 if you can stand it ,i will sing4 ,long before he had finished his audience was uneasy4 ,there was a painful silence as the doctor sat down1 broken at length by the voice of a braw ,scot at the end of the table4 ,mon1 he exclaimed1 your singin's no up to much1 but your veracity's just awful4 ,you're richt aboot that brick4 ,she smiles1 my darling smiles1 and all ,the world is filled with light2 ,she laughs--'tis like the bird's sweet call1 ,in meadows fair and bright4 ,she weeps--the world is cold and gray1 ,rain-clouds shut out the view2 ,she sings--,i softly steal away ,and wait till she gets through4 ,god sent his singers upon earth ,with songs of gladness and of mirth1 ,that they might touch the hearts of men1 ,and bring them back to heaven again4 --,longfellow4 ,,skating ,a young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her arm4 ,an elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat4 ,thank you very much1 sir1 she said1 but ,i've been skating all afternoon1 and ,i'm tired of sitting down4 ,,sky-,,scrapers ,see ,buildings4 ,,sleep ,recently a friend who had heard that ,i sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure4 ,eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three glasses of milk before going to bed1 said he1 and ,i'll warrant you'll be asleep within half an hour4 ,i did as he suggested1 and now for the benefit of others who may be afflicted with insomnia1 ,i feel it my duty to report what happened1 so far as ,i am able to recall the details4 ,first1 let me say my friend was right4 ,i did go to sleep very soon after my retirement4 ,then a friend with his head under his arm came along and asked me if ,i wanted to buy his feet4 ,i was negotiating with him1 when the dragon on which ,i was riding slipped out of his skin and left me floating in mid-air4 ,while ,i was considering how ,i should get down1 a bull with two heads peered over the edge of the wall and said he would haul me up if ,i would first climb up and rig a windlass for him4 ,so as ,i was sliding down the mountainside the brakeman came in1 and ,i asked him when the train would reach my station4 ,we passed your station four hundred years ago1 he said1 calmly folding the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket4 ,at this juncture the clown bounded into the ring and pulled the center-pole out of the ground1 lifting the tent and all the people in it up1 up1 while ,i stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight among the clouds above4 ,then ,i awoke1 and found ,i had been asleep almost ten minutes4--,the ,good ,health ,clinic4 ,,smiles ,there was a young lady of ,niger1 ,who went for a ride on a tiger2 ,they returned from the ride ,with the lady inside1 ,and a smile on the face of the tiger4 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,,smoking ,a woman is only a woman1 but a good cigar is a smoke4--,rudyard ,kipling4 ,,aunt ,,mary--7horrified7 ,good gracious4 ,harold1 what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets8 ,,harold 7calmly7--,she'd have a fit4 ,they're her cigarets4 ,an ,irish soldier on sentry duty had orders to allow no one to smoke near his post4 ,an officer with a lighted cigar approached whereupon ,pat boldly challenged him and ordered him to put it out at once4 ,the officer with a gesture of disgust threw away his cigar1 but no sooner was his back turned than ,pat picked it up and quietly retired to the sentry box4 ,the officer happening to look around1 observed a beautiful cloud of smoke issuing from the box4 ,he at once challenged ,pat for smoking on duty4 ,smoking1 is it1 sor8 ,bedad1 and ,i'm only keeping it lit to show the corporal when he comes as evidence agin you4 ,,sneezing ,while campaigning in ,iowa ,speaker ,cannon was once inveigled into visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak4 ,in one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful ,demosthenes to entertain the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of amateur oratory4 ,the selection attempted was ,byron's ,battle of ,waterloo1 and just as the boy reached the end of the first paragraph ,speaker ,cannon gave vent to a violent sneeze4 ,but1 hush6 hark6 declaimed the youngster2 a deep sound strikes like a rising knell6 ,did ye not hear it8 ,the visitors smiled and a moment later the second sneeze--which the ,speaker was vainly trying to hold back--came with increased violence4 ,but1 hark6 bawled the boy1 that heavy sound breaks in once more1 and nearer1 clearer1 deadlier than before6 ,arm6 arm6 it is--it is--the cannon's opening roar6 ,this was too much1 and the laugh that broke from the party swelled to a roar when ,uncle ,joe chuckled3 ,put up yout weapons1 children2 ,i won't shoot any more4 ,,snobbery ,snobbery is the pride of those who are not sure of their position4 ,,snoring ,snore--,an unfavorable report from headquarters4--,foolish ,dictionary4 ,,socialists ,among the stories told of the late ,baron de ,rothschild is one which details how a change of heart once came to his valet--an excellent fellow1 albeit a violent red4 ,alphonse was as good a servant as one would wish to employ1 and as his socialism never got farther than attending a weekly meeting1 the baron never objected to his political faith4 ,after a few months of these permissions to absent himself from duty1 his employer noticed one week that he did not ask to go4 ,the baron thought ,alphonse might have forgotten the night1 but when the next week he stayed at home1 he inquired what was up4 ,sir1 said the valet1 with the utmost dignity1 some of my former colleagues have worked out a calculation that if all the wealth in ,france were divided equally per capita1 each individual would be the possessor of two thousand francs4 ,then he stopped as if that told the whole story1 so said the baron1 ,what of that8 ,sir1 came back from the enlightened ,alphonse1 ,i have five thousand francs now4--,warwick ,james ,price4 ,,society ,smart ,society is made up of the worldly1 the fleshy1 and the devilish4--,harold ,melbourne4 ,what are her days at home8 ,oh1 a society leader has no days at home anymore4 ,nowadays she has her telephone hours4 ,society consists of two classes1 the upper and the lower4 ,the latter cultivates the dignity of labor1 the former the labor of dignity4--,punch4 ,there was a young person called ,smarty1 ,who sent out his cards for a party2 ,so exclusive and few ,were the friends that he knew ,that no one was present but ,smarty4 ,,solecisms ,a ,new ,york firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a large building3 ,wanted3 ,sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth floor4 ,reporters are obliged to write their descriptions of accidents hastily and often from meager data1 and in the attempt to make them vivid they sometimes make them ridiculous2 for example1 a ,new ,york ,city paper a few days ago1 in describing a collision between a train and a motor bus1 said3 ,the train1 too1 was filled with passengers4 ,their shrieks mingled with the cries of the dead and the dying of the bus6 ,,sons ,i thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs4 ,yes1 dear old chap4 ,i gave him those4 ,,souvenirs ,a friend of mine1 traveling in ,ireland1 stopped for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof1 and1 as he sipped his refreshment1 he noted1 on a center table under a glass dome1 a brick with a faded rose upon the top of it4 ',why do you cherish in this way1' my friend said to his host1 'that common brick and that dead rose8' ',shure1 sir1' was the reply1 'there's certain memories attachin' to them4 ,do ye see this big dent in my head8 ,well1 it was made by that brick4' ',but the rose8' said my friend4 ,his host smiled quietly4 ',the rose1' he explained1 'is off the grave of the man that threw the brick4' ,,speculation ,there are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate3 when he can't afford it1 and when he can4--,mark ,twain4 ,,speed ,i always said old ,cornelius ,husk was slow1 said one ,quag man to another4 ,why1 what's he been doin' now8 the other asked4 ,got himself run over by a hearse6 ,so you heard the bullet whiz past you8 asked the lawyer of the darky4 ,yes1 sah1 heard it twict4 ,how's that8 ,heard it whiz when it passed me1 and heard it again when ,i passed it4 ,a near race riot happened in a southern town4 ,the negroes gathered in one crowd and the whites in another4 ,the whites fired their revolvers into the air1 and the negroes took to their heels4 ,next day a plantation owner said to one of his men3 ,sam1 were you in that crowd that gathered last night8 ,yassir4 ,did you run like the wind1 ,sam8 ,no1 sir4 ,i didn't run like the wind1'deed ,i didn't4 ,but ,i passed two niggers that was running like the wind4 ,a guest in a ,cincinnati hotel was shot and killed4 ,the negro porter who heard the shooting was a witness at the trial4 ,how many shots did you hear8 asked the lawyer4 ,two shots1 sah1 he replied4 ,how far apart were they8 ',bout like dis way1 explained the negro1 clapping his hands with an interval of about a second between claps4 ,where were you when the first shot was fired8 ,shinin' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel4 ,where were you when the second shot was fired8 ,ah was passin' de ,big ,fo' depot4 ,,spinsters ,is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend8 asks the minister4 ,i do1 says the angular lady arising from the rear pew4 ,i want the congregation to pray for my husband4 ,why1 sister ,abigail6 replies the minister4 ,you have no husband as yet4 ,yes1 but ,i want you all to pitch in an' pray for one for me6 ,some time ago the wife of an assisstant state officer gave a party to a lot of old maids of her town4 ,she asked each one to bring a photograph of the man who had tried to woo and wed her4 ,each of the old maids brought a photograph and they were all pictures of the same man1 the hostess's husband4 ,maude ,adams was one day discussing with her old negro mammy the approaching marriage of a friend4 ,when is you gwine to git married1 ,miss ,maudie8 asked the mammy1 who took a deep interest in her talented young mistress4 ,i don't know1 mammy1 answered the star4 ,i don't think ,i'll ever get married4 ,well1 sighed mammy1 in an attempt to be philosophical1 they do say ole maids is the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'4 ,here's to the ,bachelor1 so lonely and gay1 ,for it's not his fault1 he was born that way2 ,and here's to the ,spinster1 so lonely and good2 ,for it's not her fault1 she hath done what she could4 ,an old maid on the wintry side of fifty1 hearing of the marriage of a pretty young lady1 her friend1 observed with a deep and sentimental sigh3 ,well1 ,i suppose it is what we must all come to4 ,a famous spinster1 known throughout the country for her charities1 was entertaining a number of little girls from a charitable institution4 ,after the luncheon1 the children were shown through the place1 in order that they might enjoy the many beautiful things it contained4 ,this1 said the spinster1 indicating a statue1 is ,minerva4 ,was ,minerva married8 asked one of the little girls4 ,no1 my child1 said the spinster1 with a smile2 ,minerva was the ,goddess of ,wisdom4--,e4,t4 ,there once was a lonesome1 lorn spinster1 ,and luck had for years been ag'inst her2 ,when a man came to burgle ,she shrieked1 with a gurgle1 ,stop thief1 while ,i call in a min'ster6 ,,spite ,think twice before you speak1 and then you may be able to say something more aggraviting than if you spoke right out at once4 ,a man had for years employed a steady ,german workman4 ,one day ,jake came to him and asked to be excused from work the next day4 ,certainly1 ,jake1 beamed the employer4 ,what are you going to do8 ,vall1 said ,jake slowly4 ,i tink ,i must go by mein wife's funeral4 ,she dies yesterday4 ,after the lapse of a few weeks ,jake again approached his boss for a day off4 ,all right1 ,jake1 but what are you going to do this time8 ,aber1 said ,jake1 ,i go to make me1 mit mein frulein1 a wedding4 ,what8 ,so soon8 ,why1 it's only been three weeks since you buried your wife4 ,ach6 replied ,jake1 ,i don't hold spite long4 ,,spring ,in the spring the housemaid's fancy ,lightly turns from pot and pan ,to the greater necromancy ,of a young unmarried man4 ,you can hold her through the winter1 ,and she'll work around and sing1 ,but it's just as good as certain ,she will marry in the spring4 ,it is easy enough to look pleasant1 ,when the spring comes along with a rush2 ,but the fellow worth-while ,is the one who can smile ,when he slips and sits down in the slush4 --,leslie ,van ,every4 ,,stammering ,one of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him4 ,don't you like the show8 ,yes1 indeed6 ,then why do you persist in hissing the performers8 ,why1 m-man alive1 ,i w-was-n't h-hissing6 ,i w-was s-s-im-ply s-s-s-saying to ,s-s-s-sammie that the s-s-s-singing is s-s-s-superb4 ,a man who stuttered badly went to a specialist and after ten difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly1 ,peter ,piper picked a peck of pickled peppers4 ,his friends congratulated him upon this splendid achievement4 ,yes1 said the man doubtfully1 but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-w-work into an ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion1 y' know4 ,,statesmen ,a statesman is a deal politician4--,mr4 ,dooley4 ,a statesman is a man who finds out which way the crowd is going1 then jumps in front and yells like blazes4 ,,statistics ,an earnest preacher in ,georgia1 who has a custom of telling the ,lord all the news in his prayers1 recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town1 with the statement3 ,oh1 ,thou great ,jehovah1 crime is on the increase4 ,it is becoming more prevalent daily4 ,i can prove it to you by statistics4 ,,patient--,tell me candidly1 ,doc1 do you think ,i'll pull through8 ,,doctor--,oh1 you're bound to get well--you can't help yourself4 ,the ,medical ,record shows that out of one hundred cases like yours1 one per cent invariably recovers4 ,i've treated ninety-nine cases1 and every one of them died4 ,why1 man alive1 you can't die if you try6 ,there's no humbug in statistics4 ,,steak ,can ,i get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train8 ,it depends on your teeth1 sir4 ,,steam ,can you tell what steam is8 asked the examiner4 ,why1 sure1 sir1 replied ,patrick confidently4 ,steam is--,why--er--it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat4 ,,steamships ,,and ,,steamboats ,that new steamer they're building is a whopper1 says the man with the shoe button nose4 ,yes1 agrees the man with the recalcitrant hair1 but my uncle is going to build one so long that when a passenger gets seasick in one end of it he can go to the other end and be clear away from the storm4 ,,stenographers ,a beautiful statuesque blond had left ,new ,york to act as stenographer to a dignified ,philadelphian of ,quaker descent4 ,on the morning of her first appearance she went straight to the desk of her employer4 ,i presume1 she remarked1 that you begin the day over here the same as they do in ,new ,york8 ,oh1 yes1 replied the employer1 without glancing up from a letter he was reading4 ,well1 hurry up and kiss me1 then1 was the startling rejoinder1 ,i want to get to work4 ,,stock ,,brokers ,a grain broker in ,new ,boston1 ,maine1 ,said1 ,that market gives me a pain2 ,i can hardly bear it1 ,to bull--,i don't dare it1 ,for it's going against the grain4 --,minnesota ,minne-,ha-,ha4 ,,strategy ,a bird dog belonging to a man in ,mulvane disappeared last week4 ,the owner put this ad in the paper and insisted that it be printed exactly as he wrote it3 ,,lost ,,or ,,run ,,away--,one livver culered burd dog called ,jim4 ,will show signs of hyderfobby in about three days4 ,the dog came home the following day4 ,boy1 take these flowers to ,miss ,bertie ,bohoo1 ,room #ab4 ,my1 sir1 you're the fourth gentleman wot's sent her flowers to-day4 ,what's that8 ,what the deuce8 ,w--who sent the others8 ,oh1 they didn't send any names4 ,they all said1 ',she'll know where they come from4' ,well1 here1 take my card1 and tell her these are from the same one who sent the other three boxes4 ,the little girl was having a great deal of trouble pronouncing some of the words she met with4 ,vinegar had given her the most trouble1 and she was duly grieved to know that the village was being entertained by her efforts in this direction4 ,she was sent one day to the store with the vinegar-jug1 to get it filled1 and had no intention of amusing the people who were gathered in the store4 ,so she handed the jug to the clerk with3 ,smell the mouth of it and give me a quart4 ,a young couple had been courting for several years1 and the young man seemed to be in no hurry to marry4 ,finally1 one day1 he said3 ,sall1 ,i canna marry thee4 ,how's that8 asked she4 ,i've changed my mind1 said he4 ,well1 ,i'll tell thee what we'll do1 said she4 ,if folks know that it's thee as has given me up ,i shanna be able to get another chap2 but if they think ,i've given thee up then ,i can get all ,i want4 ,so we'll have banns published and when the wedding day comes the parson will say to thee1 ',wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife8' and thou must say1 ',i will4' ,and when he says to me1 ',wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband8' ,i shall say1 ',i winna4' ,the day came1 and when the minister asked the important question the man answered3 ,i will4 ,then the parson said to the woman3 ,wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband8 and she said3 ,i will4 ,why1 said the young man furiously1 you said you would say ',i winna4' ,i know that1 said the young woman1 but ,i've changed my mind since4 ,charles ,stuart1 formerly senator from ,michigan1 was traveling by stage through his own state4 ,the weather was bitter cold1 the snow deep1 and the roads practically unbroken4 ,the stage was nearly an hour late at the dinner station and everybody was cross and hungry4 ,in spite of the warning1 ,ten minutes only for refreshments1 ,senator ,stuart sat down to dinner with his usual deliberation4 ,when he had finished his first cup of coffee the other passengers were leaving the table4 ,by the time his second cup arrived the stage was at the door4 ,all aboard6 shouted the driver4 ,the senator lingered and called for a third cup of coffee4 ,while the household1 as was the custom1 assembled at the door to see the stage oft1 the senator calmly continued his meal4 ,suddenly1 just as the stage was starting1 he pounded violently on the dining-room table4 ,the landlord hurried in4 ,the senator wanted a dish of rice-pudding4 ,when it came he called for a spoon4 ,there wasn't a spoon to be found4 ,that shock-headed fellow took 'em6 exclaimed the landlady4 ,i knew him for a thief the minute ,i laid eyes on him4 ,the landlord jumped to the same conclusion4 ,hustle after that stage6 he shouted to the sheriff1 who was untying his horse from the rail in front of the tavern4 ,bring 'em all back4 ,they've taken the silver6 ,a few minutes later the stage1 in charge of the sheriff1 swung around in front of the house4 ,the driver was in a fury4 ,search them passengers6 insisted the landlord4 ,but before the officer could move1 the senator opened the stage door1 stepped inside1 then leaned out1 touched the sheriff's arm and whispered3 ,tell the landlord he'll find his spoons in the coffee-pot4 ,,subways ,any one who has ever traveled on the ,new ,york subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the following3 ,a little man1 wedged into the middle of a car1 suddenly thought of pickpockets1 and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some money in his overcoat4 ,he plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger4 ,aha6 snorted the latter4 ,i caught you that time6 ,leggo6 snarled the little man4 ,leggo my hand6 ,pickpocket6 hissed the fat man4 ,scoundrel6 retorted the little one4 ,just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper4 ,i'd like to get off here1 he drawled1 if you fellows don't mind taking your hands out of my pocket4 ,,success ,nothing succeeds like excess4--,life4 ,nothing succeeds like looking successful4--,henriette ,corkland4 ,success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with one's employer4 ,a ,new ,orleans lawyer was asked to address the boys of a business school4 ,he commenced3 ,my young friends1 as ,i approached the entrance to this room ,i noticed on the panel of the door a word eminently appropriate to an institution of this kind4 ,it expresses the one thing most useful to the average man when he steps into the arena of life4 ,it was-- ,pull1 shouted the boys1 in a roar of laughter1 and the lawyer felt that he had taken his text from the wrong side of the door4 ,i'd rather be a ,could ,be ,if ,i could not be an ,are2 ,for a ,could ,be is a ,may ,be1 ,with a chance of touching par4 ,i'd rather be a ,has ,been ,than a ,might ,have ,been1 by far2 ,for a ,might ,have ,been has never been1 ,but a ,has was once an ,are4 ',tis not in mortals to command success1 ,but we'll do more1 ,sempronius1-- ,we'll deserve it4 --,addison4 ,there are two ways of rising in the world3 either by one's own industry or profiting by the foolishness of others4--,la ,bruyre4 ,success is counted sweetest ,by those who ne'er succeed4 --,emily ,dickinson4 ,see also ,making good4 ,,suffragettes ,when a married woman goes out to look after her rights1 her husband is usually left at home to look after his wrongs4--,child ,harold4 ',ullo1 ,bill1 'ow's things with yer8 ,lookin' up1 ,tom1 lookin' up4 ,igh cost o' livin' not 'ittin' yer1 ,bill8 ,not so 'ard1 ,tom--not so 'ard4 ,the missus 'as went 'orf on a hunger stroike and me butcher's bills is cut in arf6 ,i'd hate t' be married t' a suffragette an' have t' eat ,battle ,creek breakfasts4--,abe ,martin4 ,,first ,,englishman--,why do you allow your wife to be a militant suffragette8 ,,second ,,englishman--,when she's busy wrecking things outside we have comparative peace at home4--,life4 ,recipe for a suffragette3 ,to the power that already lies in her hands ,you add equal rights with the gents2 ,you'll find votes that used to bring two or three plunks1 ,marked down to ninety-eight cents4 ,when ,mrs4 ,pankhurst1 the ,english suffragette1 was in ,america she met and became very much attached to ,mrs4 ,lee ,preston1 a ,new ,york woman of singular cleverness of mind and personal attraction4 ,after the acquaintance had ripened somewhat ,mrs4 ,pankhurst ventured to say3 ,i do hope1 ,mrs4 ,preston1 that you are a suffragette4 ,oh1 dear no6 replied ,mrs4 ,preston2 you know1 ,mrs4 ,pankhurst1 ,i am happily married4 ,,bill--,jake said he was going to break up the suffragette meeting the other night4 ,were his plans carried out8 ,,dill--,no1 ,jake was4--,life4 ,,slasher--,been in a fight8 ,,masher--,no4 ,i tried to flirt with a pretty suffragette4--,judge4 ,what sort of a ticket does your suffragette club favor8 ,well1 replied young ,mrs4 ,torkins1 if we owned right up1 ,i think most of us would prefer matine tickets4 ,see also ,woman suffrage4 ,,suicide ,the ,chinese ,consul at ,san ,francisco1 at a recent dinner1 discussed his country's customs4 ,there is one custom1 said a young girl1 that ,i can't understand--and that is the ,chinese custom of committing suicide by eating gold-leaf4 ,i can't understand how gold-leaf can kill4 ,the partaker1 no doubt1 smiled the ,consul1 succumbs from a consciousness of inward gilt4 ,,summer ,,resorts ,,gabe--,what are you going back to that place for this summer8 ,why1 last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing4 ,,steve--,the owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes with the fish1 and guarantees a bite every second4 ,i suppose1 said the city man1 there are some queer characters around an old village like this4 ,you'll find a good many1 admitted the native1 when the hotels fill up4 ,,sunday ,albert was a solemn-eyed1 spiritual-looking child4 ,nurse1 he said one day1 leaving his blocks and laying his hand on her knee1 nurse1 is this ,god's day8 ,no1 dear1 said the nurse1 this is not ,sunday2 it is ,thursday4 ,i'm so sorry1 he said1 sadly1 and went back to his blocks4 ,the next day and the next in his serious manner he asked the same question1 and the nurse tearfully said to the cook3 ,that child is too good for this world4 ,on ,sunday the question was repeated1 and the nurse1 with a sob in her voice1 said3 ,yes1 lambie1 this is ,god's day4 ,then where is the funny paper8 he demanded4 ,,teacher-,good little boys do not skate on ,sunday1 ,corky4 ,don't you think that is very nice of them8 ,,corky--,sure t'ing6 ,,teacher--,and why is it nice of them1 ,corky8 ,,corky--,aw1 it leaves more room on de ice6 ,see8 ,of all the days that's in the week1 ,i dearly love but one day1 ,and that's the day that comes betwixt ,a ,saturday and ,monday4 --,henry ,carey4 ,o day of rest6 ,how beautiful1 how fair1 ,how welcome to the weary and the old6 ,day of the ,lord6 and truce to earthly care6 ,day of the ,lord1 as all our days should be6 --,longfellow4 ,,sunday ,,schools ,now1 ,willie1 said the superintendent's little boy1 addressing the blacksmith's little boy1 who had come over for a frolic1 we'll play ',sabbath ,school4' ,you give me a nickel every ,sunday for six months1 and then at ,christmas ,i'll give you a ten-cent bag of candy4 ,when ,lottie returned from her first visit to ,sunday-school1 she was asked what she had learned4 ,god made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day1 was her version of the lesson imparted4 ,the teacher asked3 ,when did ,moses live8 ,after the silence had become painful she ordered3 ,open your ,old ,testaments4 ,what does it say there8 ,a boy answered3 ,moses1 #djjj4 ,now1 said the teacher1 why didn't you know when ,moses lived8 ,well1 replied the boy1 ,i thought it was his telephone number1--,suburban ,life4 ,how many of you boys1 asked the ,sunday-school superintendent1 can bring two other boys next ,sunday8 ,there was no response until a new recruit raised his hand hesitatingly4 ,well1 ,william8 ,i can't bring two1 but there's one little feller ,i can lick1 and ,i'll do my damnedest to bring him4 ,,superstition ,superstition is a premature explanation overstaying its time4--,george ,iles4 ,,surprise ,where are you goin'1 ma8 asked the youngest of five children4 ,i'm going to a surprise party1 my dear1 answered the mother4 ,are we all goin'1 too8 ,no1 dear4 ,you weren't invited4 ,after a few moments' deep thought3 ,say1 ma1 then don't you think they'd be lots more surprised if you did take us all8 ,,swimmers ,two negro roustabouts at ,new ,orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match4 ,the man who swam the longest distance was to receive #e4 ,the ,alabama ,whale immediately stripped on the dock1 but the ,human ,steamboat said he had some business and would return in a few minutes4 ,the ,whale swam the river four or five times for exercise and by that time the ,human ,steamboat returned4 ,he wore a pair of swimming trunks and had a sheet iron cook stove strapped on his back4 ,tied around his neck were a dozen packages containing bread1 flour1 bacon and other eatables4 ,the ,whale gazed at his opponent in amazement4 ,whar yo' vittles8 demanded the ,human ,steamboat4 ,vittles fo' what8 asked the ,whale4 ,don't yo' ask me fo' nothin' on the way ovah1 warned the ,steamboat4 ,mah fust stop is ,new ,york an' mah next stop is ,london4 ,,sympathy ,a sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything4 ,dwight ,l4 ,moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor1 who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dressed people1 regardless of tender feet4 ,murmurs and complaints arose on all sides and demands were heard that the offender should be ejected at once4 ,but amid the storm of abuse one friendly voice was raised4 ,mr4 ,moody rose from his seat1 saying3 ,no1 no1 friends6 ,let the man sit down and be quiet4 ,the drunken one turned1 and1 seizing the famous evangelist by the hand1 exclaimed3 ,thank ye1 sir--thank ye6 ,i see you know what it is to be drunk4 ,the man rushed excitedly into the smoking car4 ,a lady has fainted in the next car6 ,has anybody got any whiskey8 he asked4 ,instantly a half-dozen flasks were thrust out to him4 ,taking the nearest one1 he turned the bottle up and took a big drink1 then1 handing the flask back1 said1 ,thank you4 ,it always did make me feel sick to see a lady faint4 ,a tramp went to a farmhouse1 and sitting down in the front yard began to eat the grass4 ,the housewife's heart went out to him3 ,poor man1 you must indeed be hungry4 ,come around to the back4 ,the tramp beamed and winked at the hired man4 ,there1 said the housewife1 when the tramp hove in sight1 pointing to a circle of green grass1 try that3 you will find that grass so much longer4 ,strengthen me by sympathizing with my strength1 not my weakness4--,amos ,bronson ,alcott4 ,,synonyms ,i don't believe any two words in the ,english language are synonymous4 ,oh1 ,i don't know4 ,what's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'8 ,there's a big difference4 ,i 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them4 ,,table ,,manners ,see ,dining4 ,,tact ,it was at the private theatricals1 and the young man wished to compliment his hostess1 saying3 ,madam1 you played your part splendidly4 ,it fits you to perfection4 ,i'm afraid not4 ,a young and pretty woman is needed for that part1 said the smiling hostess4 ,but1 madam1 you have positively proved the contrary4 ,,taft1 ,,william ,,howard ,when ,mr4 ,taft was on his campaigning tour in the west1 before he had been elected ,president1 he stopped at the home of an old friend4 ,it was a small house1 not well built1 and as he walked about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly shook with his tread4 ,when he got into bed that receptacle1 unused to so much weight1 gave way1 precipitating ,taft on the floor4 ,his friend hurried to his door4 ,what's the matter1 ,bill8 ,oh1 ,i'm all right1 ,i guess1 ,taft called out to his friend good-naturedly2 but say1 ,joe1 if you don't find me here in the morning look in the cellar4 ,one morning a few summers ago ,president ,taft1 wearing the largest bathing suit known to modern times1 threw his substantial form into the cooling waves of ,beverly ,bay4 ,shortly afterward one neighbor said to another3 ,let's go bathing4 ,how can we8 was the response4 ,the ,president is using the ocean4 ,,talent ,see ,actors and actresses4 ,,talkers ,some years ago1 ,mark ,twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of ,new ,york society4 ,the hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance--to ,mr4 ,clemens's increasing irritation4 ,toward the end of the opera1 she turned to him and said gushingly3 ,oh1 my dear ,mr4 ,clemens1 ,i do so want you to be with us next ,friday evening4 ,i'm certain you will like it the opera will be ',tosca4' ,charmed1 ,i'm sure1 replied ,clemens4 ,i've never heard you in that4 ,it was a beautiful evening and ,ole1 who had screwed up courage to take ,mary for a ride1 was carried away by the magic of the night4 ,mary1 he asked1 will you marry me8 ,yes1 ,ole1 she answered softly4 ,ole lapsed into a silence that at last became painful to his fiance4 ,ole1 she said desperately1 why don't you say something8 ,ay tank1 ,ole replied1 they bane too much said already4 ,sir1 said the sleek-looking agent1 approaching the desk of the meek1 meaching-looking man and opening one of those folding thingumjigs showing styles of binding1 ,i believe ,i can interest you in this massive set of books containing the speeches of the world's greatest orators4 ,seventy volumes1 one dollar down and one dollar a month until the price1 six hundred and eighty dollars has been paid4 ,this set of books gives you the most celebrated speeches of the greatest talkers the world has ever known and-- ,let me see the index1 said the meek man4 ,the agent handed it to him and he looked through it carefully and methodically1 running his finger along the list of names4 ,reaching the end he handed the index back to the agent and said3 ,it isn't what you claim it is4 ,i happen to know the greatest talker in the world1 and you haven't her in the index4 ,a guest was expected for dinner and ,bobby had received five cents as the price of his silence during the meal4 ,he was as quiet as a mouse until1 discovering that his favorite dessert was being served1 he could no longer curb his enthusiasm4 ,he drew the coin from his pocket1 and rolling it across the table1 exclaimed3 ,here's your nickel1 ,mamma4 ,i'd rather talk4 ,a belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock and found his wife waiting for him4 ,the curtain lecture that followed was of unusual virulence1 and in the midst of it he fell asleep4 ,awakening a few hours later he found his wife still pouring forth a regular cascade of denunciation4 ,eyeing her sleepily he said curiously1 ,say1 are you talking yet or again8 ,you must not talk all the time1 ,ethel1 said the mother who had been interrupted4 ,when will ,i be old enough to1 ,mama8 asked the little girl4 ,while the late ,justice ,brewer was judge in a minor court he was presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony4 ,the defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years1 and ,judge ,brewer put in a question4 ,what explanation have you1 he asked severely1 for not speaking to your wife in five years8 ,your ,honor1 replied the husband1 ,i didn't like to interrupt the lady4 ,she was in an imaginative mood4 ,henry1 dear1 she said after talking two hours without a recess1 ,i sometimes wish ,i were a mermaid4 ,it would be fatal1 snapped her weary hubby4 ,fatal6 ,in what way8 ,why1 you couldn't keep your mouth closed long enough to keep from drowning4 ,and after that1 ,henry did not get any supper4 ,here comes ,blinkers4 ,he's got a new baby1 and he'll talk us to death4 ,well1 here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog4 ,let's introduce them and leave them to their fate4--,life4 ,a street-car was getting under way when two women1 rushing from opposite sides of the street to greet each other1 met right in the middle of the car-track and in front of the car4 ,there the two stopped and began to talk4 ,the car stopped1 too1 but the women did not appear to realize that it was there4 ,certain of the passengers1 whose heads were immediately thrust out of the windows to ascertain what the trouble was1 began to make sarcastic remarks1 but the two women heeded them not4 ,finally the motorman showed that he had a saving sense of humor4 ,leaning over the dash-board1 he inquired1 in the gentlest of tones3 ,pardon me1 ladies1 but shall ,i get you a couple of chairs8 ,a--,i used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a week ago4 ,she has not spoken a syllable to me since4 ,b--,would you mind telling me what it was8 ,in general those who have nothing to say ,contrive to spend the longest time in doing it4--,lowell4 ,see also ,wives4 ,,tardiness ,you'll be late for supper1 sonny1 said the merchant1 in passing a small boy who was carrying a package4 ,no1 ,i won't1 was the reply4 ,i've dot de meat4--,mabel ,long4 ,how does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this morning8 the teacher asked severely4 ,please1 ma'am1 said ,ethel1 ,i must have overwashed myself4 ,,tariff ,why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of ,liberty saying1 ,america expects every man to pay his duty8--,kent ,packard4 ,,taste ,it isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms1 said ,robert ,henri at a luncheon4 ,i know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said3 ',show me your new parlor rug1 won't you1 please8' ,so1 with great pride1 the hostess led the little girl into the drawing-room1 and raised all the blinds1 so that the light might stream in abundantly upon the gorgeous colors of an expensive ,kirmanshah4 ,the little girl stared down at the rug in silence4 ,then1 as she turned away1 she said in a rather disappointed voice3 ',it doesn't make me sick6' ,,teachers ,a rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher1 but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning4 ,at last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning4 ,at sunrise the largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse1 and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive4 ,why did you break your engagement with that school teacher8 ,if ,i failed to show up at her house every evening1 she expected me to bring a written excuse signed by my mother4 ,among the youngsters belonging to a colege settlement in a ,new ,england city was one little girl who returned to her humble home with glowing accounts of the new teacher4 ,she's a perfect lady1 exclaimed the enthusiastic youngster4 ,the child's mother gave her a doubtful look4 ,how do you know8 she said4 ,you've only known her two days4 ,it's easy enough tellin'1 continued the child4 ,i know she's a perfect lady1 because she makes you feel polite all the time4 ,,mother--,the teacher complains you have not had a correct lesson for a month2 why is it8 ,,son--,she always kisses me when ,i get them right4 ,there was a meeting of the new teachers and the old4 ,it was a sort of love feast1 reception or whatever you call it4 ,anyhow all the teachers got together and pretended they didn't have a care in the world4 ,after the eats were et the symposiarch proposed a toast3 ,long ,live ,our ,teachers6 ,it was drunk enthusiastically4 ,one of the new teachers was called on to respond4 ,he modestly accepted4 ,his answer was3 ,what ,on8 ,,teacher--,now1 ,willie1 where did you get that chewing gum8 ,i want the truth4 ,,willie--,you don't want the truth1 teacher1 an' ,i'd ruther not tell a lie4 ,,teacher--,how dare you say ,i don't want the truth6 ,tell me at once where you got that chewing-gum4 ,,willie--,under your desk4 ,grave is the ,master's look2 his forehead wears ,thick rows of wrinkles1 prints of worrying cares3 ,uneasy lie the heads of all that rule1 ,his worst of all whose kingdom is a school4 --#j4,w4 ,holmes4 ,,tears ,two ,irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel1 when ,pat spied a bottle of horseradish4 ,not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful1 which brought tears to his eyes4 ,mike1 seeing ,pat crying1 exclaimed3 ,phat be ye cryin' fer8 ,pat1 wishing to have ,mike fooled also1 exclaimed3 ,i'm crying fer me poor ould mother1 who's dead way over in ,ireland4 ,by and by ,mike took some of the radish1 whereupon tears filled his eyes4 ,pat1 seeing them1 asked his friend what he was crying for4 ,mike replied3 ,because ye didn't die at the same time yer poor ould mother did4 ,,teeth ,there was an old man of ,tarentum1 ,who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em3 ,and when asked for the cost ,of what he had lost1 ,said1 ,i really can't tell for ,i rent 'em6 --,gilbert ,k4 ,chesterton4 ,pat came to the office with his jaw very much swollen from a tooth he desired to have pulled4 ,but when the suffering son of ,erin got into the dentist's chair and saw the gleaming pair of forceps approaching his face1 he positively refused to open his mouth4 ,the dentist quietly told his office boy to prick his patient with a pin1 and when ,pat opened his mouth to yell the dentist seized the tooth1 and out it came4 ,it didn't hurt as much as you expected it would1 did it8 the dentist asked smiling4 ,well1 no1 replied ,pat hesitatingly1 as if doubting the truthfulness of his admission4 ,but1 he added1 placing his hand on the spot where the boy jabbed him with the pin1 begorra1 little did ,i think the roots would reach down like that4 ,an ,irishman with one side of his face badly swollen stepped into ,dr4 ,wicten's office and inquired if the dentist was in4 ,i am the dentist1 said the doctor4 ,well1 then1 ,i want ye to see what's the matter wid me tooth4 ,the doctor examined the offending molar1 and explained3 ,the nerve is dead2 that's what's the matter4 ,thin1 be the powers1 the ,irishman exclaimed1 the other teeth must be houldin' a wake over it6 ,for there was never yet philosopher ,that could endure the toothache patiently4 --,shakespeare4 ,,telephone ,two girls were talking over the wire4 ,both were discussing what they should wear to the ,christmas party4 ,in the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted1 asking humbly for a number4 ,one of the girls became indignant and scornfully asked3 ,what line do you think you are on1 anyhow8 ,well1 said the man1 ,i am not sure1 but1 judging from what ,i have heard1 ,i should say ,i was on a clothesline4 ,when ,grover ,cleveland's little girl was quite young her father once telephoned to the ,white ,house from ,chicago and asked ,mrs4 ,cleveland to bring the child to the 'phone4 ,lifting the little one up to the instrument1 ,mrs4 ,cleveland watched her expression change from bewilderment to wonder and then to fear4 ,it was surely her father's voice--yet she looked at the telephone incredulously4 ,after examining the tiny opening in the receiver the little girl burst into tears4 ,oh1 ,mamma6 she sobbed4 ,how can we ever get ,papa out of that little hole8 ,new ,york ,elks are having a lot of fun with a member of their lodge1 a ,fifteenth ,street jeweler4 ,the other day his wife was in the jewelry store when the 'phone rang4 ,she answered it4 ,i want to speak to ,mr4 ,h----1 said a woman's voice4 ,who is this8' demanded the jeweler's wife4 ,elizabeth4 ,well1 ,elizabeth1 this is his wife4 ,now1 madam1 what do you want8 ,i want to talk to ,mr4 ,h----4 ,you'll talk to me4 ,please let me speak to ,mr4 ,h----4 ,the jeweler's wife grew angry4 ,look here1 young lady1 she said1 who are you that calls my husband and insists on talking to him8 ,i'm the telephone operator at ,elizabeth1 ,n4,j41 came the reply4 ,and now the ,elks take turns calling the jeweler up and telling him it's ,elizabeth4 ,,operator--,number1 please4 ,,subscriber--,i vas talking mit my husband und now ,i don't hear him any more4 ,you must of pushed him off de vire4 ,a ,german woman called up ,central and instructed her as follows3 ,ist dis de mittle8 ,veil dis is ,lena4 ,hang my hustband on dis line4 ,i vant to speak mit him4 ,in ,china when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be expected to ask3 ,what number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire8 ,hohi1 two-three4 ,silence4 ,then the exchange resumes4 ,will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently censured line is busy8 ,recipe for a telephone operator3 ,to fearful and wonderful rolling of r's1 ,and a voice cold as thirty below1 ,add a dash of red pepper1 some ginger and sass ,if you leave out the o in hello6 ,,temper ,hearing the crash of china ,dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces4 ,the sight was too much for her mercurial temper4 ,dinah1 she said1 ,i cannot stand it any longer4 ,i want you to go4 ,i want you to go soon1 ,i want you to go right now4 ,lawzee1 replied ,dinah1 this surely am a co-instence4 ,i was this very minute cogitatin' that same thought in my own mind--,i want to go1 ,i thank the good ,lawd ,i kin go1 and ,i pity your husband1 ma'am1 that he can't go4 ,,temperance ,a ,boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home4 ,in repairing a corner near the fireplace1 it was found necessary to remove the wainscot1 when some things were brought to light which greatly astonished the workman4 ,a brace of decanters1 sundry bottles containing something to take1 a pitcher1 and tumblers were cosily reposing in their snug quarters4 ,the joiner ran to the proprietor with the intelligence4 ,well1 ,i declare6 exclaimed the deacon4 ,that is curious1 sure enough4 ,it must be old ,captain ,bunce that left those things there when he occupied the premises thirty years since4 ,perhaps he did1 returned the discoverer1 but1 ,deacon1 that ice in the pitcher must have been well frozen to remain solid4--,abbie ,c4 ,dixon4 ,here's to a temperance supper1 ,with water in glasses tall1 ,and coffee and tea to end with ,and me not there at all4 ,the best prohibition story of the season comes from ,kansas where1 it is said1 a local candidate stored a lot of printed prohibition literature in his barn1 but accidentally left the door open and a herd of milch cows came in and ate all the pamphlets4 ,as a result every cow in the herd went dry4--,adrian ,times4 ,a ,michigan citizen recently received a letter from a ,kentucky whisky house1 requesting him to send them the names of a dozen or more persons who would like to get some fine whisky shipped to them at a very low price4 ,the letter wound up by saying3 ,we will give you a commission on all the orders sent in by parties whose names you send us4 ,the ,michigan man belonged to a practical joke class1 and filled in the names of some of his prohibition friends on the blank spaces left for that purpose4 ,he had forgotten all about his supposed practical joke when ,monday he received another letter from the same house4 ,he supposed it was a request for some more names1 and was just about to throw the communication in the waste basket when it occurred to him to send the name of another old friend to the whisky house4 ,he accordingly tore open the envelope1 and came near collapsing when he found a check for #d4hj1 representing his commission on the sale of whisky to the parties whose names he had sent in about three weeks before4 ,abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult4--,samuel ,johnson4 ,,texas ,the bigness of ,texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map4 ,but its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known4 ,it is about six hundred miles from ,brownsville1 at the bottom of the map1 to ,dallas1 which is several hundreds of miles from the top of the map4 ,hence the following conversation in ,brownsville recently between two of the old-time residents3 ,where have you been lately1 ,bob8 ,i ain't seen much of you4 ,been on a trip north4 ,where'd you go8 ,went to ,dallas4 ,have a good time8 ,naw2 ,i never did like them damn ,yankees1 anyway4 ,,texts ,in the ,tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher1 who had declared colleges the works of the devil1 was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text1 ,the voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land4 ,not noting that the margin read turtle-dove1 he proceeded in this manner3 ,this text1 my hearers1 strikes me as one of the most peculiar texts in the whole book1 because we all know that a turtle ain't got no voice4 ,but by the inward enlightenment ,i begin to see the meaning and will expose it to you4 ,down in the hollers by the streams and ponds you have gone in the springtime1 my brethren1 and observed the little turtles1 a-sleeping on the logs4 ,but at the sound of the approach of a human being1 they went kerflop-kerplunk1 down into the water4 ,this ,i say1 then1 is the meaning of the prophet3 he1 speakinging figgeratively1 referred to the kerflop of the turtle as the voice of the turtle1 and hence we see that in those early times the prophet1 looking down at the ages to come1 clearly taught and prophesied the doctrine ,i have always preached to this congregation--that immersion is the only form of baptism4 ,john ,d4 ,rockefeller1 ,jr41 once asked a clergyman to give him an appropriate ,bible verse on which to base an address which he was to make at the latter's church4 ,i was thinking1 said young ,rockefeller1 that ,i would take the verse from the ,twenty-third ,psalm3 ',the ,lord is my shepherd4' ,would that seem appropriate8 ,quite1 said the clergyman2 but do you really want an appropriate verse8 ,i certainly do1 was the reply4 ,well1 then1 said the clergyman1 with a twinkle in his eye1 ,i would select the verse in the same ,psalm3 ',thou anointest my head with oil2 my cup runneth over4' ,,theater ,say1 old man1 chattered the press-agent1 who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays1 ,i've got a grand idea for a film-drama4 ,listen to the impromptu scenario3 ,scene one1 exterior of a ,broadway theater1 with the ticket-speculators getting the coin in handfuls1 and-- ,you're out6 interrupted the producer4 ,why1 don't you know that the law don't permit us to show an actual robbery on the screen8--,p4,h4 ,carey4 ,why don't women have the same sense of humor that men possess8 asked ,mr4 ,torkins4 ,perhaps1 answered his wife gently1 it's because we don't attend the same theaters4 ,it appears that at the rehearsal of a play1 a wonderful climax had been reached1 which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual thunder and lightning4 ,the stage-carpenter was given the order4 ,the words were spoken1 and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of pistol-shots was heard off the wings4 ,what on earth are you doing1 man8 shouted the manager1 rushing behind the scenes4 ,do you call that thunder8 ,it's not a bit like it4 ,awfully sorry1 sir1 responded the carpenter2 but the fact is1 sir1 ,i couldn't hear you because of the storm4 ,that was real thunder1 sir6 ,everybody has his own theater1 in which he is manager1 actor1 prompter1 playwright1 sceneshifter1 boxkeeper1 doorkeeper1 all in one1 and audience into the bargain4--,j4,c4 and ,a4,w4 ,hare4 ,,thieves ,,georgia ,,lawyer 7to colored prisoner7--,well1 ,ras1 so you want me to defend you4 ,have you any money8 ,,rastus--,no2 but ,i'se got a mule1 and a few chickens1 and a hog or two4 ,,lawyer--,those will do very nicely4 ,now1 let's see2 what do they accuse you of stealing8 ,,rastus--,oh1 a mule1 and a few chickens1 and a hog or two4 ,at a dinner given by the prime minister of a little kingdom on the ,balkan ,peninsula1 a distinguished diplomat complained to his host that the minister of justice1 who had been sitting on his left1 had stolen his watch4 ,ah1 he shouldn't have done that1 said the prime minister1 in tones of annoyance4 ,i will get it back for you4 ,sure enough1 toward the end of the evening the watch was returned to its owner4 ,and what did he say8 asked the diplomat4 ,sh-h1 cautioned the host1 glancing anxiously about him4 ,he doesn't know that ,i have got it back4 ,senator ,bob ,taylor1 of ,tennessee1 tells a story of how1 when he was ,fiddling ,bob1 governor of that state1 an old negress came to him and said3 ,massa ,gov'na1 we's mighty po' this winter1 and ,ah wish you would pardon mah old man4 ,he is a fiddler same as you is1 and he's in the pen'tentry4 ,what was he put in for8 asked the governor4 ,stead of workin' fo' it that good-fo'-nothin' nigger done stole some bacon4 ,if he is good for nothing what do you want him back for8 ,well1 yo' see1 we's all out of bacon ag'in1 said the old negress innocently4 ,did ye see as ,jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss8 ,serve 'im right1 too4 ,why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im like any other gentleman8 ,some time ago a crowd of ,bowery sports went over to ,philadelphia to see a prize fight4 ,one wise guy1 who1 among other things1 is something of a pickpocket1 was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on it4 ,the ,kid's goin' t' win4 ,it's a pipe1 he told a friend4 ,the friend expressed doubts4 ,sure he'll win1 the pickpocket persisted4 ,i'll bet you a gold watch he wins4 ,still the friend doubted4 ,why1 exclaimed the pickpocket1 ,i'm willin' to bet you a good gold watch he wins6 ,y' know what ,i'll do8 ,come through the train with me now1 an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like4 ,in vain we call old notions fudge ,and bend our conscience to our dealing4 ,the ,ten ,commandments will not budge ,and stealing will continue stealing4 --,motto of ,american ,copyright ,league4 ,suspicion always haunts the guilty mind2 ,the thief doth fear each bush an officer4 --,shakespeare4 ,see also ,chicken stealing2 ,lawyers2 ,lost and found4 ,,thin ,,people ,there was an old fellow named ,green1 ,who grew so abnormally lean1 ,and flat1 and compressed1 ,that his back touched his chest1 ,and sideways he couldn't be seen4 ,there was a young lady of ,lynn1 ,who was so excessively thin1 ,that when she essayed ,to drink lemonade ,she slipped through the straw and fell in4 ,,thrift ,it was said of a certain village innocent or fool in ,scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value4 ,one day a stranger asked him3 ,why do you always take the penny8 ,don't you know the difference in value8 ,aye1 answered the fool1 ,i ken the difference in value4 ,but if ,i took the saxpence they would never try me again4 ,the ,mrs4 never misses ,any bargain sale1 ,for the female of the species ,is more thrifty than the male4 ,,mcandrews 7the chemist1 at two ,a4,m47--,two penn'orth of bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time o' night1 when a glass of hot water does just as well6 ,,sandy 7hastily7--,well1 well6 ,thanks for the advice4 ,i'll not bother ye1 after all4 ,gude nicht6 ,the foreman and his crew of bridgemen were striving hard to make an impression on the select board provided by ,mrs4 ,rooney at her ,arkansas eating establishment4 ,the old man sure made a funny deal down at ,piney yesterday1 observed the foreman1 with a wink at the man to his right4 ,what'd he do8 asked the new man at the other end of the table4 ,well1 a year or so ago there used to be a water tank there1 but they took down the tub and brought it up to ,cabin ,creek4 ,the well went dry and they covered it over4 ,it was four or five feet round1 ninety feet deep1 and plumb in the right of way4 ,didn't know what to do with it until along comes an old lollypop yesterday and gives the ,old ,man five dollars for it4 ,five dollars for what8 asked the new man4 ,well1 continued the foreman1 ignoring the interruption1 that old lollypop borrowed two jacks from the trackmen and jacked her up out of there and carried her home on wheels4' ,what'd he do with it8 persisted the new man4 ,say that old lollypop must've been a ,yank4 ,nobody else could have figured it out4 ,the ground on his place is hard and he needed some more fence4 ,so he calc'lated 'twould be easier and cheaper to saw that old well up into post-holes than 'twould be to dig 'em4 ,a certain workman1 notorious for his sponging proclivities1 met a friend one morning1 and opened the conversation by saying3 ,can ye len' us a match1 ,john8 ,john having supplied him with the match1 the first speaker began to feel his pockets ostentatiously1 and then remarked dolefully1 ,man1 ,i seem to have left my tobacco pouch at hame4 ,john1 however1 was equal to the occasion1 and holding out his hand1 remarked3 ,aweel1 ye'll no be needin' that match then4 ,a ,highlander was summoned to the bedside of his dying father4 ,when he arrived the old man was fast nearing his end4 ,for a while he remained unconscious of his son's presence4 ,then at last the old man's eyes opened1 and he began to murmur4 ,the son bent eagerly to listen4 ,dugald1 whispered the parent1 ,luckie ,simpson owes me five shilling4 ,ay1 man1 ay1 said the son eagerly4 ,an ,dugal ,more owes me seven shillins4 ,ay1 assented the son4 ,an' ,hamish ,mc,craw owes me ten shillins4 ,sensible tae the last1 muttered the delighted heir4 ,sensible tae the last4 ,once more the voice from the bed took up the tale4 ,an'1 ,dugald1 ,i owe ,calum ,beg two pounds4 ,dugald shook his head sadly4 ,wanderin' again1 wanderin' again1 he sighed4 ,it's a peety4 ,the canny ,scot wandered into the pharmacy4 ,i'm wanting threepenn'orth o' laudanum1 he announced4 ,what for8 asked the chemist suspiciously4 ,for twopence1 responded the ,scot at once4 ,a ,scotsman wishing to know his fate at once1 telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice4 ,after spending the entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an affirmative answer4 ,if ,i were you1 suggested the operator when he delivered the message1 ,i'd think twice before ,i'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day for my answer4 ,na1 na1 retorted the ,scot4 ,the lass who waits for the night rates is the lass for me4 ,well1 yes1 said ,old ,uncle ,lazzenberry1 who was intimately acquainted with most of the happenstances of the village1 ,almira ,stang has broken off her engagement with ,charles ,henry ,tootwiler4 ,they'd be goin' together for about eight years1 durin' which time she had been inculcatin' into him1 as you might call it1 the beauties of economy2 but when she discovered1 just lately1 that he had learnt his lesson so well that he had saved up two hundred and seventeen pairs of socks for her to darn immediately after the wedding1 she 'peared to conclude that he had taken her advice a little too literally1 and broke off the match4--,puck4 ,they sat each at an extreme end of the horsehair sofa4 ,they had been courting now for something like two years1 but the wide gap between had always been respectfully preserved4 ,a penny for your thochts1 ,sandy1 murmured ,maggie1 after a silence of an hour and a half4 ,weel1 replied ,sandy slowly1 with surprising boldness1 tae tell ye the truth1 ,i was jist thinkin' how fine it wad be if ye were tae gie me a wee bit kissie4 ,i've nae objection1 simpered ,maggie1 slithering over1 and kissed him plumply on the tip of his left ear4 ,sandy relapsed into a brown study once more1 and the clock ticked twenty-seven minutes4 ,an' what are ye thinkin' about noo--anither1 eh8 ,nae1 nae1 lassie2 it's mair serious the noo4 ,is it1 laddie8 asked ,maggie softly4 ,her heart was going pit-a-pat with expectation4 ,an' what micht it be8 ,i was jist thinkin'1 answered ,sandy1 that it was aboot time ye were paying me that penny6 ,the coward calls himself cautious1 the miser thrifty4--,syrus4 ,there are but two ways of paying debt3 increase of industry in raising income1 increase of thrift in laying out4--,carlyle4 ,see also ,economy2 ,saving4 ,,tides ,a ,kansan sat on the beach at ,atlantic ,city watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf4 ,he knew nothing of tides1 and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet4 ,at last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops4 ,hey1 there6 he yelled at the fair1 fat bather4 ,quit yer jumpin' up and down6 ,d'ye want to drown me8 ,at a recent ,confederate reunion in ,charleston1 ,s4,c41 two ,kentuckians were viewing the ,atlantic ,ocean for the first time4 ,say1 cap'n1 said one of them1 what ought ,i to carry home to the children for a souvenir8 ,why1 colonel1 it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be right interestin'4 ,just the thing6 exclaimed the colonel delightedly4 ,from a rear pocket he produced a flask1 and1 with the aid of the captain1 soon emptied it4 ,then1 picking his way down to the water's edge1 he filled it to the neck and replaced the cork4 ,hi1 there6 ,don't do that6 cried the captain in great alarm4 ,pour out about a third of that water4 ,if you don't1 when the tide rises she'll bust sure4 ,nae man can tether time or tide4--,burns4 ,,time ,mrs4 ,hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in4 ,she looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter4 ,talk about toime and toide waitin' fer no man1 she muttered as she hurried into the pantry2 there's toimes they waits1 an' toimes they don't4 ,yistherday at this blessed minit 'twas but tin o'clock an' to-day it's a quarther to twilve4 ,,mrs4 ,,murphy--,oi hear yer brother-in-law1 ,pat ,keegan1 is pretty bad off4 ,,mrs4 ,,casey--,shure1 he's good for a year yit4 ,,mrs4 ,,murphy--,as long as thot8 ,,mrs4 ,,casey--,yis2 he's had four different doctors1 and each one av thim give him three months to live4--,puck4 ,a long-winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the judges of the superior court in a western state4 ,he had rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of thought1 and the judge had just yawned very suggestively4 ,with just a trace of sarcasm in his voice1 the tiresome attorney ventured to observe3 ,i sincerely trust that ,i am not unduly trespassing on the time of this court4 ,my friend1 returned his honor1 there is a considerable difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity4--,edwin ,tarrisse4 ,a traveler1 finding that he had a couple of hours in ,dublin1 called a cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours4 ,at first all went well1 but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they narrowly escaped several collisions4 ,what's the matter8 demanded the passenger4 ,why are you driving so recklessly8 ,i'm in no hurry4 ,ah1 g'wan wid yez1 retorted the cabby4 ,d'ye think thot ,i'm goin' to put in me whole day drivin' ye around for two hours8 ,gitap6 ,frank comes into the house in a sorry plight4 ,mercy on us6 exclaims his father4 ,how you look6 ,you are soaked4 ,please1 papa1 ,i fell into the canal4 ,what6 with your new trousers on8 ,yes1 papa1 ,i didn't have time to take them off4 ,a well-known ,bishop1 while visiting at a bride's new home for the first time1 was awakened quite early by the soft tones of a soprano voice singing ,nearer1 ,my ,god1 to ,thee4 ,as the ,bishop lay in bed he meditated upon the piety which his young hostess must possess to enable her to begin her day's work in such a beautiful frame of mind4 ,at breakfast he spoke to her about it1 and told her how pleased he was4 ,oh1 she replied1 that's the hymn ,i boil the eggs by2 three verses for soft and five for hard4 ,there was a young woman named ,sue1 ,who wanted to catch the #b3jb2 ,said the trainman1 ,don't hurry ,or flurry or worry2 ,it's a minute or two to #b3jb4 ,,father--,mildred1 if you disobey again ,i will surely spank you4 ,on father's return home that evening1 ,mildred once more acknowledged that she had again disobeyed4 ,,father 7firmly7--,you are going to be spanked4 ,you may choose your own time4 ,when shall it be8 ,,mildred 7five years old1 thoughtfully7--,yesterday4 ,a northerner passing a rundown looking place in the ,south1 stopped to chat with the farmer4 ,he noticed the hogs running wild and explained that in the ,north the farmers fattened their hogs much faster by shutting them in and feeding them well4 ,hell6 replied the southerner1 ,what's time to a hog4 ,dost thou love life8 ,then waste not time2 for time is the stuff that life is made of4--,benjamin ,franklin4 ,time fleeth on1 ,youth soon is gone1 ,naught earthly may abide2 ,life seemeth fast1 ,but may not last ,it runs as runs the tide4 --,leland4 ,see also ,scientific management4 ,,tips ,american travelers in ,europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service1 however slight4 ,they are very apt to carry it much too far1 or else attempt to resist it altogether4 ,there is a story told of a wealthy and ostentatious ,american in a ,parisian restaurant4 ,as the waiter placed the order before him he said in a loud voice3 ,waiter1 what is largest tip you ever received8 ,one thousand francs1 monsieur4 ,eh bien6 ,but ,i will give you two thousand1 answered the upholder of ,american honor2 and then in a moment he added3 ,may ,i ask who gave you the thousand francs8 ,it was yourself1 monsieur1 said the obsequious waiter4 ,of quite an opposite mode of thought was another ,american visiting ,london for the first time4 ,goaded to desperation by the incessant necessity for tips1 he finally entered the washroom of his hotel1 only to be faced with a large sign which read3 ,please tip the basin after using4 ,i'm hanged if ,i will6 said the ,yankee1 turning on his heel1 ,i'll go dirty first6 ,grant ,alien relates that he was sitting one day under the shade of the ,sphinx1 turning for some petty point of detail to his ,baedeker4 ,a sheik looked at him sadly1 and shook his head4 ,murray good1 he said in a solemn voice of warning2 ,baedeker no good4 ,what for you see ,baedeker8 ,no1 no2 ,baedeker is best1 answered ,mr4 ,alien4 ,why do you object to ,baedeker8 ,the shick crossed his hands1 and looked down at him with the pitying eyes of ,islam4 ,baedeker bad book1 he repeated2 ,murray very1 very good4 ,murray say1 ',give the sheik half a crown'2 ,baedeker say1 ',give the sheik a shilling4' ,what do you consider the most important event in the history of ,paris8 ,well1 replied the tourist1 who had grown weary of distributing tips1 so far as financial prosperity is concerned1 ,i should say the discovery of ,america was the making of this town4 ,in telling this one1 ,miss ,glaser always states that she does not want it understood that she considers the ,scotch people at all stingy2 but they are a very careful and thrifty race4 ,an intimate friend of her's was very anxious to have a well known ,scotchman meet ,miss ,glaser1 and gave her a letter of introduction to him4 ,miss ,glaser1 wishing to show him all the attention possible1 invited him to a dinner which she was giving in ,london and after rather an elaborate repast the bill was paid1 the waiter returning five shillings4 ,she let it lie1 intending1 of course1 to give it to the waiter4 ,the ,scotchman glanced at the money very frequently1 and finally he said1 his natural thrift getting the best of him3 ,are you going to give all that to the waiter8 ,in a inimitable way1 ,miss ,glaser quietly replied3 ,no1 take some4 ,a tip is a small sum of money you give to somebody because you're afraid he won't like not being paid for something you haven't asked him to do4--,the ,bailie1 ,glasgow4 ,,titles ,,of ,,honor ,,and ,,nobility ,an ,english lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends4 ,at a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper4 ,the good housewife1 while preparing the table1 discovering she was entertaining nobility1 was nearly overcome with surprise and elation4 ,while seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him4 ,it was ,my ,lord1 will you have some of this8 and ,my ,lord1 do try that1 ,take a piece of this1 my ,lord1 until the meal was nearly finished4 ,the little four-year-old son of the family1 heretofore unnoticed1 during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish1 which was just out of his reach1 and turning to his mother said3 ,say1 ,ma1 ,god wants a pickle4 ,dean ,stanley was once visiting a friend who gave one of the pages strict orders that in the morning he was to go and knock at the ,dean's door1 and when the ,dean inquired who was knocking he was to say3 ,the boy1 my ,lord4 ,according to directions he knocked and the ,dean asked3 ,who is there8 ,embarrassed by the voice of the great man the page answered3 ,the ,lord1 my boy4 ,how did he get his title of colonel8 ,he got it to distinguish him from his wife's first husband1 who was a captain1 and his wife's second husband1 who was a major4 ,for titles do not reflect honor on men1 but rather men on their titles4--,machiavelli4 ,i hope ,i shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what ,i consider the most enviable of all titles1 the character of an ,honest ,man4--,george ,washington4 ,,toasts ,see ,drinking2 ,good fellowship2 ,woman4 ,,tobacco ,tobaccy wanst saved my life1 said ,paddy ,blake1 an inveterate smoker4 ,how was that8 inquired his companion4 ,ye see1 ,i was diggin' a well1 and came up for a good smoke1 and while ,i was up the well caved in4 ,see also ,smoking4 ,,tourists ,see ,liars2 ,travelers4 ,,trade ,,unions ,,chairman ,,of ,,the ,,committee--,is this the place where you are happy all the time8 ,,st4 ,,peter 7proudly7--,it is1 sir4 ,well1 ,i represent the union1 and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day4 ,,tramps ,,lady--,can't you find work8 ,,tramp--,yessum2 but everyone wants a reference from my last employer4 ,,lady--,and can't you get one8 ,,tramp--,no1 mum4 ,yer see1 he's been dead twenty-eight years4 ,,transmutation ,fred ,stone1 of ,montgomery and ,stone fame1 and ,eugene ,wood1 whose stories and essays are well known1 met on ,broadway recently4 ,they stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views1 when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed4 ,simultaneously1 ,wood turned to ,stone2 ,stone turned to ,wood2 then both turned to rubber4 ,,travelers ,an ,american tourist1 who was stopping in ,tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a ,shinto funeral4 ,finally she appealed to the ,japanese clerk of the hotel1 asking him to instruct her guide to take her to one4 ,the clerk was politeness itself4 ,he bowed gravely and replied3 ,i am very sorry1 ,madam1 but this is not the season for funerals4 ,a gentleman whose travel-talks are known throughout the world tells the following on himself3 ,i was booked for a lecture one night at a little place in ,scotland four miles from a railway station4 ,the 'chairman' of the occasion1 after introducing me as 'the mon wha's coom here tae broaden oor intellects1' said that he felt a wee bit of prayer would not be out of place4 ',o ,lord1' he continued1 'put it intae the heart of this mon tae speak the truth1 the hale truth1 and naething but the truth1 and gie us grace tae understan' him4' ,then1 with a glance at me1 the chairman said1 ',i've been a traveler meself6'--,fenimore ,marlin4 ,two young ,americans touring ,italy for the first time stopped off one night at ,pisa1 where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe4 ,going hilariously home one pushed the other against a building and held him there4 ,great heavens6 cried the man next the wall1 suddenly glancing up at the structure above him4 ,see what we're doing6 ,both roisterers fled4 ,they left town on an early morning train1 not thinking it safe to stay over and see the famous leaning tower4 ,mr4 ,hiram ,jones had just returned from a personally conducted tour of ,europe4 ,i suppose1 commented a friend1 that when you were in ,england you did as the ,english do and dropped your ,h's4 ,no1 moodily responded the returned traveller2 ,i didn't4 ,i did as the ,americans do4 ,i dropped my ,v's and ,x's4 ,then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the mortgage extended4--,w4 ,hanny4 ,a number of tourists were recently looking down the crater of ,vesuvius4 ,an ,american gentleman said to his companion4 ,that looks a good deal like the infernal regions4 ,an ,english lady1 overhearing the remark1 said to another3 ,good gracious6 ,how these ,americans do travel4 ,an ,american tourist hailing from the west was out sight-seeing in ,london4 ,they took him aboard the old battle-ship ,victory1 which was ,lord ,nelson's flagship in several of his most famous naval triumphs4 ,an ,english sailor escorted the ,american over the vessel1 and coming to a raised brass tablet on the deck he said1 as he reverently removed his hat3 ',ere1 sir1 is the spot where ,lord ,nelson fell4 ,oh1 is it8 replied the ,american1 blankly4 ,well1 that ain't nothin'4 ,i nearly tripped on the blame thing myself4 ,on one of the famous scenic routes of the west there is a brakeman who has lost the forefinger of his right hand4 ,his present assignment as rear-end brakeman on a passenger train places him in the observation car1 where he is the target for an almost unceasing fusillade of questions from tourists who insist upon having the name1 and1 if possible1 the history1 of all the mountain caons and points of interest along the route4 ,one especially enthusiastic lady tourist had kept up her ,gattling fire of questions until she had thoroughly mastered the geography of the country4 ,then she ventured to ask the brakeman how he had lost his finger3 ,cut off in making a coupling between cars1 ,i suppose8 ,no1 madam2 ,i wore that finger off pointing out scenery to tourists4 ,know most of the rooms of thy native country before thou goest over the threshold thereof4--,fuller4 ,when ,i was at home1 ,i was in a better place2 but travelers must be content4--,shakespeare4 ,as the ,spanish proverb says1 ,he who would bring home the wealth of the ,indies must carry the wealth of the ,indies with him4 ,so it is in traveling3 a man must carry knowledge with him1 if he would bring home knowledge4--,samuel ,johnson4 ,,treason ,it was during the ,parnell agitation in ,ireland that an anti-,parnellite1 criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords1 exclaimed to ,archbishop ,ryan of ,philadelphia3 ,why1 it looks very much like treason4 ,instantly came the answer in the ,archbishop's best brogue3 ,sure1 treason is reason when there's an absent 't'4 ,treason doth never prosper3 what's the reason8 ,why if it prosper1 none dare call it treason4 ,,trees ,,curious ,,charley--,do nuts grow on trees1 father8 ,,father--,they do1 my son4 ,,curious ,,charley--,then what tree does the doughnut grow on8 ,,father--,the pantry1 my son4 ,,trigonometry ,a prisoner was brought before a police magistrate4 ,he looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent4 ,here1 officer1 he said1 what's this man charged with8 ,bigotry1 your ,honor1 replied the policeman4 ,he's got three wives4 ,the magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance4 ,why1 officer1 he said1 that's not bigotry--that's trigonometry4 ,,trouble ,what is the trouble1 wifey8 ,nothing4 ,yes1 there is4 ,what are you crying about1 something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel8 ,it was married men's night at the revival meeting4 ,let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up6 shouted the preacher at the height of his spasm4 ,instantly every man in the church arose except one4 ,ah6 exclaimed the preacher1 peering out at this lone individual1 who occupied a chair near the door4 ,you are one in a million4 ,it ain't that1 piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the congregation gazed suspiciously at him3 ,i can't get up--,i'm paralyzed6 ,,judge--,your innocence is proved4 ,you are acquitted4 ,,prisoner 7to the jury7--,very sorry1 indeed1 gentlemen1 to have given you all this trouble for nothing4 ,a friend of mine1 returning to his home in ,virginia after several years' absence1 met one of the old negroes1 a former servant of his family4 ,uncle ,moses1 he said1 ,i hear you got married4 ,yes1 ,marse ,tom1 ,i is1 and ,i's having a moughty troublesome time1 ,marse ,tom1 moughty troublesome4 ,what's the trouble8 said my friend4 ,why1 dat yaller woman1 ,marse ,tom4 ,she all de time axin' me fer money4 ,she don't give me no peace4 ,how long have you been married1 ,uncle ,moses8 ,nigh on ter two years1 come dis spring4 ,and how much money have you given her8 ,well1 ,i ain't done gin her none yit4--,sue ,m4,m4 ,halsey4 ,if you want to forget all your other troubles1 wear tight shoes4 ,never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time4 ,some people bear three--all they have had1 all they have now1 and all they expect to have4--,edward ,everett ,hale4 ,,trusts ,a trust is known by the companies it keeps4--,ellis ,o4 ,jones4 ,,tompkins--,ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine4 ,you know it is absolutely interference-proof1 and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid4 ,,dewley--,is the machine on the market yet8 ,,tomkins--,oh1 my no6 and it won't be on the market4 ,the patent was bought by the ,cold ,storage ,trust4 ,,truth ,there was a young lady named ,ruth1 ,who had a great passion for truth4 ,she said she would die ,before she would lie1 ,and she died in the prime of her youth4 ,women do not really like to deceive their husbands1 but they are too tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth4 ,nature 444 has buried truth deep in the bottom of the sea4--,democritus4 ,tis strange--but true2 for truth is always strange1 ,stranger than fiction4--,byron4 ,,turkeys ,ah1 says the ,christmas guest4 ,how ,i wish ,i could sit down to a ,christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm1 when ,i was a boy1 as the central figure6 ,well1 says the host1 you never can tell4 ,this may be one of them4--,life4 ,,tutors ,a tutor who tooted a flute ,tried to teach two young tooters to toot4 ,said the two to the tutor1 ,is it harder to toot1 or ,to tutor two tutors to toot8 --,carolyn ,wells4 ,,twins ,faith1 ,mrs4 ,o',hara1 how d' ye till thim twins aparrt8 ,aw1 't is aisy--,i sticks me finger in ,dinnis's mouth1 an' if he bites ,i know it's ,moike4--,harvard ,lampoon4 ,,umbrellas ,a man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently1 with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it3 ,this umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of #bej pounds weight4 ,i shall be back in ten minutes4 ,on returning to seek his property he found in its place a card thus inscribed3 ,this card was left here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour4 ,i shall not be back4 ,a reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be repaired4 ,at noon he had luncheon in a restaurant1 and as he was departing he absent-mindedly started to take an umbrella from a hook near his hat4 ,that's mine1 sir1 said a woman at the next table4 ,he apologized and went out4 ,when he was going home in a street car with his four repaired umbrellas1 the woman he had seen in the restaurant got in4 ,she glanced from him to his umbrellas and said3 ,i see you had a good day4 ,that's a swell umbrella you carry4 ,isn't it8 ,did you come by it honestly8 ,i haven't quite figured out4 ,it started to rain the other day and ,i stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped4 ,then ,i saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella1 and ,i thought if he was going as far as my house ,i would beg the shelter of his timbershoot4 ,so ,i stepped out and asked3 ',where are you going with that umbrella1 young fellow8' and he dropped the umbrella and ran4 ,one day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella4 ,it's wonderful how ,i make things last1 he exclaimed4 ,look at this umbrella1 now4 ,i bought it eleven years ago4 ,since then ,i had it recovered twice4 ,i had new ribs put in in #aiaj1 and last month ,i exchanged it for a new one in a restaurant4 ,and here it is--as good as new4 ,,value ,the trouble with father1 said the gilded youth1 is that he has no idea of the value of money4 ,you don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift8 ,not at all4 ,but he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all the things he might buy with it4 ,,vanity ,,mcgorry--,i'll buy yez no new hat1 d' yez moind thot8 ,ye are vain enough ahlriddy4 ,,mrs4 ,,mcgorry--,me vain8 ,oi'm not6 ,shure1 ,oi don't t'ink mesilf half as good lookin' as ,oi am4 ,of course1 said a suffragette lecturer1 ,i admit that women are vain and men are not4 ,there are a thousand proofs that this is so4 ,why1 the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar4 ,there were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behind his neck4 ,a ,new ,york woman of great beauty called one day upon a friend1 bringing with her her eleven-year-old daughter1 who gives promise of becoming as great a beauty as her mother4 ,it chanced that the callers were shown into a room where the friend had been receiving a milliner1 and there were several beautiful hats lying about4 ,during the conversation the little girl amused herself by examining the milliner's creations4 ,of the number that she tried on1 she seemed particularly pleased with a large black affair which set off her light hair charmingly4 ,turning to her mother1 the little girl said3 ,i look just like you now1 ,mother1 don't ,i8 ,sh6 cautioned the mother1 with uplifted finger4 ,don't be vain1 dear4 ,that which makes the vanity of others unbearable to us is that which wounds our own4--,la ,rochefoucauld4 ,,versatility ,a clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply3 ,dear ,sir3 ,i notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher1 either lady or gentleman4 ,having been both for several years ,i beg to apply for the position4 ,,voice ,a lanky country youth entered the crossroads general store to order some groceries4 ,he was seventeen years old and was passing through that stage of adolescence during which a boy seems all hands and feet1 and his vocal organs1 rapidly developing1 are wont to cause his voice to undergo sudden and involuntary changes from high treble to low bass4 ,in an authoritative rumbling bass voice he demanded of the busy clerk1 ,give me a can of corn 7then1 his voice suddenly changing to a shrill falsetto1 he continued7 and a sack of flour4 ,well1 don't be in a hurry4 ,i can't wait on both of you at once1 snapped the clerk4 ,,aspiring ,,vocalist--,professor1 do you think ,i will ever be able to do anything with my voice8 ,,perspiring ,,teacher--,well it might come in handy in case of fire or shipwreck4--,cornell ,widow4 ,the devil hath not1 in all his quiver's choice1 ,an arrow for the heart like a sweet voice4 --,byron4 ,,wages ,me gotta da good job1 said ,pictro1 as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from ,santa ,lucia4 ,getta forty dollar da month and eata myself2 thirty da month if da boss eata me4 ,commenting on the comparatively small salaries allowed by ,congress for services rendered in the executive branch of the ,government and the more liberal pay of some of the officials1 a man in public life said3 ,it reminds me of the way a gang of laborers used to be paid down my way4 ,the money was thrown at a ladder1 and what stuck to the rungs went to the workers1 while that which fell through went to the bosses4 ,a certain prominent lawyer of ,toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down1 and ,tommy1 the office boy1 comes in for his full share of the admonition4 ,that his words were appreciated was made evident to the lawyer by a conversation between ,tommy and another office boy on the same floor which he recently overheard4 ,wotcher wages8 asked the other boy4 ,ten thousand a year1 replied ,tommy4 ,aw1 g'wan6 ,sure1 insisted ,tommy1 unabashed4 ,four dollars a week in cash1 an' de rest in legal advice4 ,while an ,irishman was gazing in the window of a ,washington bookstore the following sign caught his eye3 ,,dickens' ,,works ,,all ,,this ,,week ,,for ,,only #d4,,oo ,the divvle he does6 exclaimed ,pat in disgust4 ,the dirty scab6 ,the difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month1 when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month4 ,he is well paid that is well satisfied4--,shakespeare4 ,the ideal social state is not that in which each gets an equal amount of wealth1 but in which each gets in proportion to his contribution to the general stock4--,henry ,george4 ,,waiters ,recipe for a waiter3 ,stuff a hired dress-suit case with an effort to please1 ,add a half-dozen stumbles and trips2 ,remove his right thumb from the cranberry sauce1 ,roll in crumbs1 melted butter and tips4 --,life4 ,,war ,flag of truce1 ,excellency4 ,well1 what do the revolutionists want8 ,they would like to exchange a couple of ,generals for a can of condensed milk4 ,if you favor war1 dig a trench in your backyard1 fill it half full of water1 crawl into it1 and stay there for a day or two without anything to eat1 get a lunatic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a machine gun1 and you will have something just as good1 and you will save your country a great deal of expense4 ,who are those people who are cheering8 asked the recruit as the soldiers marched to the train4 ,those1 replied the veteran1 are the people who are not going4--,puck4 ,he who did well in war1 just earns the right ,to begin doing well in peace4 --,robert ,browning4 ,a great and lasting war can never be supported on this principle patriotism alone4 ,it must be aided by a prospect of interest1 or some reward4--,george ,washington4 ,see also ,arbitration1 ,international2 ,european ,war4 ,,warnings ,pietro had drifted down to ,florida and was working with a gang at railroad construction4 ,he had been told to beware of rattlesnakes1 but assured that they would always give the warning rattle before striking4 ,one hot day he was eating his noon luncheon on a pine log when he saw a big rattler coiled a few feet in front of him4 ,he eyed the serpent and began to lift his legs over the log4 ,he had barely got them out of the way when the snake's fangs hit the bark beneath him4 ,son of a guna6 yelled ,pietro4 ,why you no ringa da bell8 ,,washington1 ,,george ,a ,barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about ,george ,washington1 and finally she asked3 ,can any one now tell me which ,washington was--a great general or a great admiral8 ,the small son of a fisherman raised his hand1 and she signaled him to speak4 ,he was a great general1 said the boy4 ,i seen a picture of him crossing the ,delaware1 and no great admiral would put out from shore standing up in a skiff4 ,a ,scotsman visiting ,america stood gazing at a fine statue of ,george ,washington1 when an ,american approached4 ,that was a great and good man1 ,sandy1 said the ,american2 a lie never passed his lips4 ,weel1 said the ,scot1 ,i praysume he talked through his nose like the rest of ye4 ,,wasps ,the wasp cannot speak1 but when he says ,drop it1 in his own inimitable way1 neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on4 ,,waste ,the automobile rushed down the road--huge1 gigantic1 sublime4 ,over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones4 7,an unlucky number47 ,suddenly upon the thirteenth came the auto1 unseeing1 slew him1 and hummed on1 unknowing4 ,the woman who works hard and long rushed forward with hands1 hands made rough by toil1 upraised4 ,she paused and stood inarticulate--a goddess1 a giantess4 ,then she hurled forth these words of derision1 of despair3 ,mon ,dieu6 ,and ,i'd just washed him6--,literally translated from ,le ,sport of ,paris4 ,a ,boston physician tells of the case of a ten-year-old boy1 who1 by reason of an attack of fever1 became deaf4 ,the physician could afford the lad but little relief1 so the boy applied himself to the task of learning the deaf-and-dumb alphabet4 ,the other members of his family1 too1 acquired a working knowledge of the alphabet1 in order that they might converse with the unfortunate youngster4 ,during the course of the next few months1 however1 ,tommy's hearing suddenly returned to him1 assisted no doubt by a slight operation performed by the physician4 ,every one was1 of course1 delighted1 particularly the boy's mother1 who one day exclaimed3 ,oh1 ,tommy1 isn't it delightful to talk to and hear us again8 ,yes1 assented ,tommy1 but with a degree of hesitation2 but here we've all learned the sign language1 and we can't find any more use for it6 ,,wealth ,if you want to make a living you have to work for it1 while if you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way4 ,the traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to have got together in the first place4--,puck4 ,he that is proud of riches is a fool4 ,for if he be exalted above his neighbors because he hath more gold1 how much inferior is he to a gold mine6--,jeremy ,taylor4 ,,weather ,how did you find the weather in ,london8 asked the friend of the returned traveler4 ,you don't have to find the weather in ,london1 replied the traveler4 ,it bumps into you at every corner4 ,an ,american and a ,scotsman were discussing the cold experienced in winter in the ,north of ,scotland4 ,why1 it's nothing at all compared to the cold we have in the ,states1 said the ,american4 ,i can recollect one winter when a sheep1 jumping from a hillock into a field1 became suddenly frozen on the way1 and stuck in the air like a mass of ice4 ,but1 man1 exclaimed the ,scotsman1 the law of gravity wouldn't allow that4 ,i know that1 replied the tale-pitcher4 ,but the law of gravity was frozen1 too6 ,two commercial travelers1 one from ,london and one from ,new ,york1 were discussing the weather in their respective countries4 ,the ,englishman said that ,english weather had one great fault--its sudden changes4 ,a person may take a walk one day1 he said1 attired in a light summer suit1 and still feel quite warm4 ,next day he needs an overcoat4 ,that's nothing1 said the ,american4 ,my two friends1 ,johnson and ,jones1 were once having an argument4 ,there were eight or nine inches of snow on the ground4 ,the argument got heated1 and ,johnson picked up a snowball and threw it at ,jones from a distance of not more than five yards4 ,during the transit of that snowball1 believe me or not1 as you like1 the weather changed and became hot and summer like1 and ,jones1 instead of being hit with a snowball1 was--er--scalded with hot water6 ,ex-,president ,taft on one of his trips was playing golf on a western links when he noticed that he had a particularly good caddie1 an old man of some sixty years1 as they have on the ,scottish links4 ,and what do you do in winter8 asked the ,president4 ,such odd jobs as ,i can pick up1 sir1 replied the man4 ,not much chance for caddying then1 ,i suppose8 asked the ,president4 ,no1 sir1 there is not1 replied the man with a great deal of warmth4 ,when there's no frost there's sure to be snow1 and when there's no snow there's frost1 and when there's neither there's sure to be rain4 ,and the few days when it's fine they're always ,sundays4 ,on the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning1 ,james ,whitcomb ,riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather4 ,this unremitting applause amused him4 ,when greeted at the office with ,nice day1 ,mr4 ,riley1 he smiled broadly4 ,yes1 he agreed4 ,yes1 ,i've heard it very highly spoken of4 ,the darky in question had simmered in the heat of ,st4 ,augustine all his life1 and was decoyed by the report that colored men could make as much as #d a day in ,duluth4 ,he headed ,north in a seersucker suit and into a hard winter4 ,at ,chicago1 while waiting for a train1 he shivered in an engine room1 and on the way to ,duluth sped by miles of snow fields4 ,on arriving he found the mercury at #ah below and promptly lost the use of his hands4 ,then his feet stiffened and he lost all sensation4 ,they picked him up and took him to a crematory for unknown dead4 ,after he had been in the oven for awhile somebody opened the door for inspection4 ,rastus came to and shouted3 ,shut dat do' and close dat draff6 ,there was a small boy in ,quebec1 ,who was buried in snow to his neck2 ,when they said1 ,are you friz8 ,he replied1 ,yes1 ,i is-- ,but we don't call this cold in ,quebec4 --,rudyard ,kipling4 ,sunshine is delicious1 rain is refreshing1 wind braces up1 snow is exhilarating2 there is really no such thing as bad weather1 only different kinds of good weather4--,ruskin4 ,,wedding ,,anniversaries ,uncle ,ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat1 and was walking majestically up and down the street4 ,aren't you working to-day1 ,uncle8 asked somebody4 ,no1 suh4 ,i'se celebrating' mah golden weddin' suh4 ,you were married fifty years ago to-day1 then6 ,yes1 suh4 ,well1 why isn't your wife helping you to celebrate8 ,mah present wife1 suh1 replied ,uncle ,ephraim with dignity1 ain't got nothin' to do with it4 ,,wedding ,,presents ,among the presents lately showered upon a dusky bride in a rural section of ,virginia1 was one that was a gift of an old woman with whom both bride and groom were great favorites4 ,some time ago1 it appears1 the old woman accumulated a supply of cardboard mottoes1 which she worked and had framed as occasion arose4 ,so it happened that in a neat combination of blues and reds1 suspended by a cord of orange1 there hung over the table whereon the other presents were displayed for the delectation of the wedding guests1 this motto3 ,,fight ,,on2 ,,fight ,,ever4 ,,weddings ,an actor who was married recently for the third time1 and whose bride had been married once before1 wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations3 ,be sure and come2 this is no amateur performance4 ,a wealthy young woman from the west was recently wedded to a member of the nobility of ,england1 and the ceremony occurred in the most fashionable of ,london churches--,st4 ,george's4 ,among the guests was a cousin of the bride1 as sturdy an ,american as can be imagined4 ,he gave an interesting summary of the wedding when asked by a girl friend whether the marriage was a happy one4 ,happy8 ,i should say it was1 said the cousin4 ,the bride was happy1 her mother was overjoyed1 ,lord ,stickleigh1 the groom1 was in ecstasies1 and his creditors1 ,i understand1 were in a state of absolute bliss4--,edwun ,tarrisse4 ,the best man noticed that one of the wedding guests1 a gloomy-looking young man1 did not seem to be enjoying himself4 ,he was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend4 ,the best man took it upon himself to cheer him up4 ,er--have you kissed the bride8 he asked by way of introduction4 ,not lately1 replied the gloomy one with a far-away expression4 ,the curate of a large and fashionable church was endeavoring to teach the significance of white to a ,sunday-school class4 ,why1 said he1 does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white at her marriage8 ,as no one answered1 he explained4 ,white1 said he1 stands for joy1 and the wedding-day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life4 ,a small boy queried1 ,why do the men all wear black8--,m4,j4 ,moor4 ,lilly ,may came to her mistress4 ,ah would like a week's vacation1 ,miss ,annie1 she said1 in her soft negro accent2 ,ah wants to be married4 ,lillie had been a good girl1 so her mistress gave her the week's vacation1 a white dress1 a veil and a plum-cake4 ,promptly at the end of the week ,lillie returned1 radiant4 ,oh1 ,miss ,annie6 she exclaimed1 ,ah was the mos' lovely bride6 ,ma dress was pcrfec'1 ma veil mos' lovely1 the cake mos' good6 ,an' oh1 the dancin' an' the eatin'6 ,well1 ,lillie1 this sounds delightful1 said her mistress1 but you have left out the point of your story--,i hope you have a good husband4 ,lillie's tone changed to indignation3 ,now1 ,miss ,annie1 what yo' think8 ,tha' darn nigger nebber turn up6 ,there is living in ,illinois a solemn man who is often funny without meaning to be4 ,at the time of his wedding1 he lived in a town some distance from the home of the bride4 ,the wedding was to be at her house4 ,on the eventful day the solemn man started for the station1 but on the way met the village grocer1 who talked so entertainingly that the bridegroom missed his train4 ,naturally he was in a state4 ,something must be done1 and done quickly4 ,so he sent the following telegram3 ,don't marry till ,i come4--,,henry4 --,howard1 ,morse4 ,in all the wedding cake1 hope is the sweetest of the plums4--,douglas ,jerrold4 ,,weights ,,and ,,measures ,didn't ,i tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye had her fat8 demanded an ,irish shopkeeper1 nodding toward a sickly1 emaciated cat that was slinking through the store4 ,ye did thot1 replied the assistant1 an ,i've just been after feedin' her a pound of meat this very minute4 ,faith1 an' ,i don't believe ye4 ,bring me the scales4 ,the poor cat was lifted into the scales4 ,thy balancd at exactly one pound4 ,there6 exclaimed the assistant triumphantly4 ,didn't ,i tell ye she'd had her pound of meat8 ,that's right1 admitted the boss1 scratching his head4 ,that's yer pound of meat all right4 ,but--suddenly looking up--where the divvil is the cat8 ,,welcomes ,when ,ex-,president ,taft was on his transcontinental tour1 ,american flags and ,taft pictures were in evidence everywhere4 ,usually the ,taft pictures contained a word of welcome under them4 ,those who heard the ,president's laugh ring out will not soon forget the western city which1 directly under the barred window of the city lockup1 displayed a ,taft picture with the legend ,welcome on it4--,hugh ,morist4 ,come in the evening1 or come in the morning1 ,come when you're looked for1 or come without warning1 ,kisses and welcome you'll find here before you1 ,and the oftener you come here the more ,i'll adore you4 --,thomas ,o4 ,davis4 ,,west1 ,,the ,,eastern ,,lady 7traveling in ,montana7--,the idea of calling this the ',wild-,west'6 ,why1 ,i never saw such politeness anywhere4 ,,cowboy--,we're allers perlite to ladies1 ma'am4 ,,eastern ,,lady--,oh1 as for that1 there is plenty of politeness everywhere4 ,but ,i refer to the men4 ,why1 in ,new ,york the men behave horribly towards one another2 but here they treat one another as delicately as gentlemen in a drawing-room4 ,,cowboy--,yes1 ma'am2 it's safer4--,abbie ,c4 ,dixon4 ,,whisky ,this is from an ,irish priest's sermon1 as quoted in ,samuel ,m4 ,hussey's ,reminiscences of an ,irish ,land ,agent3 ',it's whisky makes you bate your wives2 it's whisky makes your homes desolate2 it's whisky makes you shoot your landlords1 and'--with emphasis1 as he thumped the pulpit--'it's whisky makes you miss them4' ,in a recent trial of a bootlegger in western ,kentucky a witness testified that he had purchased some squirrel whisky from the defendant4 ,squirrel whisky8 questioned the court4 ,yes1 you know3 the kind that makes you talk nutty and want to climb trees4 ,general ,carter1 who went to ,texas in command of the regulars sent south for maneuvers along the ,mexican border1 tells this story of an old ,irish soldier3 ,the march had been a long and tiresome one1 and as the bivouac was being made for the night1 the captain noticed that ,pat was looking very much fatigued4 ,thinking that a small drop of whisky might do him good1 the captain called ,pat aside and said1 ,pat1 will you have a wee drink of whisky8 ,pat made no answer1 but folded his arms in a reverential manner and gazed upward4 ,the captain repeated the question several times1 but no answer from ,pat1 who stood silent and motionless1 gazing devoutly into the sky4 ,finally the captain1 taking him by the shoulder and giving him a vigorous shake said3 ,pat1 why don't you answer8 ,i said1 ',pat1 will you have a drink of whisky8' ,after looking around in considerable astonishment ,pat replied3 ,and is it yez1 captain8 ,begorrah and ,i thought it was an angel spakin' to me4 ,see also ,drinking4 ,,whisky ,,breath ,see ,breath4 ,,widows ,during the course of conversation between two ladies in a hotel parlor one said to the other3 ,are you married8 ,no1 ,i am not1 replied the other4 ,are you8 ,no1 was the reply1 ,i1 too1 am on the single list1 adding3 ,strange that two such estimable women as ourselves should have been overlooked in the great matrimonial market6 ,now that lady1 pointing to another who was passing1 has been widowed four times1 two of her husbands having been cremated4 ,the woman1 she continued1 is plain and uninteresting1 and yet she has them to burn4 ,,wind ,,visitor--,what became of that other windmill that was here last year8 ,,native--,there was only enough wind for one1 so we took it down4 ,whichever way the wind doth blow ,some heart is glad to have it so2 ,then blow it east1 or blow it west1 ,the wind that blows1 that wind is best4 --,caroline ,a4 ,mason4 ,,windfalls ,a ,nebraska man was carried forty miles by a cyclone and dropped in a widow's front yard4 ,he married the widow and returned home worth about #cj1jjj more than when he started4 ,,wine ,when our thirsty souls we steep1 ,every sorrow's lull'd to sleep4 ,talk of monarchs6 we are then ,richest1 happiest1 first of men4 ,when ,i drink1 my heart refines ,and rises as the cup declines2 ,rises in the genial flow1 ,that none but social spirits know4 ,to-day we'll haste to quaff our wine1 ,as if to-morrow ne'er should shine2 ,but if to-morrow comes1 why then-- ,we'll haste to quaff our wine again4 ,let me1 oh1 my budding vine1 ,spill no other blood than thine4 ,yonder brimming goblet see1 ,that alone shall vanquish me4 ,i pray thee1 by the gods above1 ,give me the mighty howl ,i love1 ,and let me sing1 in wild delight4 ,i will--,i will be mad to-night6 ,when ,father ,time swings round his scythe1 ,intomb me 'neath the bounteous vine1 ,so that its juices red and blythe1 ,may cheer these thirsty bones of mine4 --,eugene ,field4 ,see also ,drinking4 ,,wishes ,george ,washington drew a long sigh and said3 ,ah wish ,ah had a hundred watermillions4 ,dixie's eyes lighted4 ,hum6 ,dat would suttenly be fine6 ,an' ef yo' had a hundred watermillions would yo' gib me fifty8 ,no1 ,ah wouldn't4 ,wouldn't yo' give me twenty-five8 ,no1 ,ah wouldn't gib yo' no twenty-five4 ,dixie gaxed with reproachful eyes at his close-fisted friend4 ,seems to me1 you's powahful stingy1 ,george ,washington1 he said1 and then continued in a heartbroken voice4 ,wouldn't yo' gib me one8 ,no1 ,ah wouldn't gib yo' one4 ,look a' heah1 nigger6 ,are yo' so good for nuffen lazy dat yo' cahn't wish fo' yo' own watermillions8 ,man wants but little here below ,nor wants that little long1 ',tis not with me exactly so2 ,but'tis so in the song4 ,my wants are many1 and1 if told1 ,would muster many a score2 ,and were each a mint of gold1 ,i still should long for more4 --,john ,quincy ,adams4 ,,witnesses ,the trouble is1 said ,wilkins as he talked the matter over with his counsel1 that in the excitement of the moment ,i admitted that ,i had been going too fast1 and wasn't paying any attention to the road just before the collision4 ,i'm afraid that admission is going to prove costly4 ,don't wory about that1 said his lawyer4 ,i'll bring seven witnesses to testify that they wouldn't believe you under oath4 ,on his eighty-fourth birthday1 ,paul ,smith1 the veteran ,adirondock hotel-keeper1 who started life as a guide and died owning a million dollars' worth of forest land1 was talking about boundary disputes with an old friend4 ,didn't you hear of the lawsuit over a title that ,i had with ,jones down in ,malone last summer8 asked ,paul4 ,the friend had not heard4 ,well1 said ,paul1 it was this way4 ,i sat in the court room before the case opened with my witnesses around me4 ,jones busted in1 stopped1 looked my witnesses over carefully1 and said3 ',paul1 are those your witnesses8' ',they are1' said ,i4 ',then you win1' said he4 ',i've had them witnesses twice myself4' ,,wives ,father1 said a little boy1 had ,solomon seven hundred wives8 ,i believe so1 my son1 said the father4 ,well1 father1 was he the man who said1 ',give me liberty or give me death8'--,town ,topics4 ,a charitable lady was reading the ,old ,testament to an aged woman who lived at the home for old people1 and chanced upon the passage concerning ,solomon's household4 ,had ,solomon really seven hundred wives8 inquired the old woman1 after reflection4 ,oh1 yes1 ,mary6 ,it is so stated in the ,bible4 ,lor'1 mum6 was the comment4 ,what privileges them early ,christians had6 ,,casey--,now1 phwat wu'u'd ye do in a case loike thot8 ,,clancy--,loike phwat8 ,,casey--,th' walkin' diligate tils me to stroike1 an' me ould woman orders me to ke-ape on wurrkin'4 ,governor ,vardaman1 of ,mississippi1 was taken to task because he had made a certain appointment1 a friend maintaining that another man should have received the place4 ,the governor listened quietly and then said3 ,did ,i ever tell you about ,mose ,williams8 ,one day ,mose sought his employer1 an acquaintance of mine1 and inquired3 ',say1 boss1 is yo' gwine to town t'morrer8' ',i think so4 ,why8' ',well1 hit's dishaway4 ,me an' ,easter ,johnson's gwine to git mahred1 an' ,ah 'lowed to ax yo' ter git a pair of licenses fo' me4 ,i shall be delighted to oblige you1 ,mose1 and ,i hope you will be very happy4 ,the next day when the gentleman rode up to his house the old man was waiting for him4 ',did you git 'em1 boss8 he inquired eagerly4 ',yes1 here they are4' ,mose looked at them ruefully1 shaking his head4 ',ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em1 boss6' ',whats the matter8 ,has ,easter gone back on you8' ',it ain't dat1 boss4 ,ah done changed mah min4' ,ah'm gwine to mahry ,sophie ,coleman1 dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to ,mis' ,mason's1 for she sholy can cook6' ,well1 ,i'll try and have the name changed for you1 but it will cost you fifty cents more4' ,mose assented1 somewhat dubiously1 and the gentleman had the change made4 ,again he found ,mose waiting for him4 ',wouldn't change hit1 boss1 would he8' ',certainly he changed it4 ,i simply had to pay him the fifty cents4' ',ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it4 ,mah min's made up to mahry ,easter ,johnson after all4' ',you crazy nigger1 you don't know what you do want4 ,what made you change your mind again8' ',well1 boss1 ,ah been thinkin' it over an' ,ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers4' ,a wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means1 and sew on buttons before they come off4 ,what are you cutting out of the paper8 ,about a ,california man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets4 ,what are you going to do with it8 ,put it in my pocket4 ,a woman missionary in ,china was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives4 ,the ,chinese ladies examined her clothing1 her hair1 her teeth1 and so on1 but her feet especially amazed them4 ,why1 cried one1 you can walk or run as well as a man6 ,yes1 to be sure1 said the missionary4 ,can you ride a horse and swim1 too8 ,yes4 ,then you must be as strong as a man6 ,i am4 ,and you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your husband--would you8 ,indeed ,i wouldn't1 the missionary said4 ,the mandarin's eight wives looked at one another1 nodding their heads4 ,then the oldest said softly3 ,now ,i understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife4 ,he is afraid6--,western ,christian ,advocate4 ,,pat--,i hear your woife is sick1 ,moike4 ,,mike--,she is thot4 ,,pat--,is it dangerous she is8 ,,mike--,divil a bit4 ,she's too weak to be dangerous any more6 ,,son--,say1 mama1 father broke this vase before he went out4 ,,mother--,my beautiful majolica vase6 ,wait till he comes back1 that's all4 ,,son--,may ,i stay up till he does8 ,because a fellow has six talking machines1 said the boarder who wants to be an end man1 it doesn't follow that he is a ,mormon4 ,it was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment4 ,his better half was a big1 square-jawed woman with a determined eye4 ,in the first place1 where did you meet this woman who1 according to your story1 has treated you so dreadfully8 asked the judge4 ,well1 replied the little man1 making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife1 ,i never did meet her4 ,she just kind of overtook me4 ,harry1 love1 exclaimed ,mrs4 ,knowall to her husband1 on his return one evening from the office1 ,i have b-been d-dreadfully insulted6 ,insulted8 exclaimed ,harry1 love4 ,by whom8 ,b-by your m-mother1 answered the young wife1 bursting into tears4 ,my mother1 ,flora8 ,nonsense6 ,she's miles away6 ,flora dried her tears4 ,i'll tell you all about it1 ,harry1 love1 she said4 ,a letter came to you this morning1 addressed in your mother's writing1 so1 of course1 ,i--,i opened it4 ,of course1 repeated ,harry1 love1 dryly4 ,it--it was written to you all the way through4 ,do you understand8 ,i understand4 ,but where does the insult to you come in8 ,it--it came in the p-p-postscript1 cried the wife1 bursting into fresh floods of briny4 ,it s-said3 ',p-,p-,p4 ,s4--,d-dear ,flora1 d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to ,harry4 ,i w-want him to have it4' ',did you git 'em1 boss8 he inquired eagerly4 ',yes1 here they are4' ,mose looked at them ruefully1 shaking his head4 ',ah'm po'ful sorry yo' got 'em1 boss6' ',whats the matter8 ,has ,easter gone back on you8' ',it ain't dat1 boss4 ,ah done changed mah min4' ,ah'm gwine to mahry ,sophie ,coleman1 dat freckled-faced yaller girl what works up to ,mis' ,mason's1 for she sholy can cook6' ,well1 ,i'll try and have the name changed for you1 but it will cost you fifty cents more4' ,mose assented1 somewhat dubiously1 and the gentleman had the change made4 ,again he found ,mose waiting for him4 ',wouldn't change hit1 boss1 would he8' ',certainly he changed it4 ,i simply had to pay him the fifty cents4' ',ah was hopin' he wouldn't do it4 ,mah min's made up to mahry ,easter ,johnson after all4' ',you crazy nigger1 you don't know what you do want4 ,what made you change your mind again8' ',well1 boss1 ,ah been thinkin' it over an' ,ah jes' 'lowed dar wasn't fifty cents wuth ob diff'runce in dem two niggers4' ,a wife is a woman who is expected to purchase without means1 and sew on buttons before they come off4 ,what are you cutting out of the paper8 ,about a ,california man securing a divorce because his wife went through his pockets4 ,what are you going to do with it8 ,put it in my pocket4 ,a woman missionary in ,china was taking tea with a mandarin's eight wives4 ,the ,chinese ladies examined her clothing1 her hair1 her teeth1 and so on1 but her feet especially amazed them4 ,why1 cried one1 you can walk or run as well as a man6 ,yes1 to be sure1 said the missionary4 ,can you ride a horse and swim1 too8 ,yes4 ,then you must be as strong as a man6 ,i am4 ,and you wouldn't let a man beat you--not even if he was your husband--would you8 ,indeed ,i wouldn't1 the missionary said4 ,the mandarin's eight wives looked at one another1 nodding their heads4 ,then the oldest said softly3 ,now ,i understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife4 ,he is afraid6--,western ,christian ,advocate4 ,,pat--,i hear your woife is sick1 ,moike4 ,,mike--,she is thot4 ,,pat--,is it dangerous she is8 ,,mike--,divil a bit4 ,she's too weak to be dangerous any more6 ,,son--,say1 mama1 father broke this vase before he went out4 ,,mother--,my beautiful majolica vase6 ,wait till he comes back1 that's all4 ,,son--,may ,i stay up till he does8 ,because a fellow has six talking machines1 said the boarder who wants to be an end man1 it doesn't follow that he is a ,mormon4 ,it was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treatment4 ,his better half was a big1 square-jawed woman with a determined eye4 ,in the first place1 where did you meet this woman who1 according to your story1 has treated you so dreadfully8 asked the judge4 ,well1 replied the little man1 making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife1 ,i never did meet her4 ,she just kind of overtook me4 ,harry1 love1 exclaimed ,mrs4 ,knowall to her husband1 on his return one evening from the office1 ,i have b-been d-dreadfully insulted6 ,insulted8 exclaimed ,harry1 love4 ,by whom8 ,b-by your m-mother1 answered the young wife1 bursting into tears4 ,my mother1 ,flora8 ,nonsense6 ,she's miles away6 ,flora dried her tears4 ,i'll tell you all about it1 ,harry1 love1 she said4 ,a letter came to you this morning1 addressed in your mother's writing1 so1 of course1 ,i--,i opened it4 ,of course1 repeated ,harry1 love1 dryly4 ,it--it was written to you all the way through4 ,do you understand8 ,i understand4 ,but where does the insult to you come in8 ,it--it came in the p-p-postscript1 cried the wife1 bursting into fresh floods of briny4 ,it s-said3 ',p-,p-,p4 ,s4--,d-dear ,flora1 d-don't f-fail to give this l-letter to ,harry4 ,i w-want him to have it4' ,by jove1 ,i left my purse under the pillow6 ,oh1 well1 your servant is honest1 isn't she8 ,that's just it4 ,she'll take it to my wife4 ,there swims no goose so gray1 but soon or late ,she finds some honest gander for her mate4 --,pope4 ,a clerk showed forty patterns of ginghams to a man whose wife had sent him to buy some for her for ,christmas1 and at every pattern the man said3 ,my wife said she didn't want anything like that4 ,the clerk put the last piece back on the shelf4 ,sir1 he said1 you don't want gingham4 ,what you want is a divorce4 ,maids are ,may when they are maids1 but the sky changes when they are wives4--,shakespeare4 ,in the election of a wife1 as in ,a project of war1 to err but once is ,to be undone forever4 --,thomas ,middleton4 ,of earthly goods1 the best is a good wife2 ,a bad1 the bitterest curse of human life4 --,simonides4 ,see also ,domestic finance2 ,suffragettes2 ,talkers2 ,temper2 ,woman suffrage4 ,,woman ,woman--the only sex which attaches more importance to what's on its head than to what's in it4 ,how very few statues there are of real women4 ,yes6 it's hard to get them to look right4 ,how so8 ,a woman remaining still and saying nothing doesn't seem true to life4 ,oh1 woman6 in our hours of ease ,uncertain1 coy1 and hard to please-- ,so wrote ,sir ,walter long ago4 ,but how1 pray1 could he really know8 ,if woman fair he strove to please1 ,where did he get his hours of ease8 --,george ,b4 ,morewood4 ,,miss ,,scribble-,the heroine of my next story is to be one of those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and don't want to get married4 ,,the ,,colonel 7politely7-,ah1 indeed1 ,i don't think ,i ever met that type4--,life4 ,you are a dear1 sweet girl1 ,god bless you and keep you-- ,wish ,i could afford to do so4 ,here's to man--he can afford anything he can get4 ,here's to woman--she can afford anything that she can get a man to get for her4--,george ,ade4 ,here's to the soldier and his arms1 ,fall in1 men1 fall in2 ,here's to woman and her arms1 ,fall in1 men1 fall in6 ,most ,southerners are gallant4 ,an exception is the ,georgian who gave his son this advice3 ,my boy1 never run after a woman or a street car--there will be another one along in a minute or two4 ,here's to the maid of bashful fifteen2 ,here's to the widow of fifty2 ,here's to the flaunting1 extravagant queen2 ,and here's to the housewife that's thrifty4 ,chorus3 ,let the toast pass1-- ,drink to the lass1 ,i'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass4 --,sheridan4 ,here's to the ladies1 the good1 young ladies2 ,but not too good1 for the good die young1 ,and we want no dead ones4 ,and here's to the good old ladies1 ,but not too old1 for we want no dyed ones4 ,when a woman repulses1 beware4 ,when a woman beckons1 bewarer4--,henriette ,corkland4 ,the young woman had spent a busy day4 ,she had browbeaten fourteen salespeople1 bullyragged a floor-walker1 argued victoriously with a milliner1 laid down the law to a modiste1 nipped in the bud a taxi chauffeur's attempt to overcharge her1 made a street car conductor stop the car in the middle of a block for her1 discharged her maid and engaged another1 and otherwise refused to allow herself to be imposed upon4 ,yet she did not smile that evening when a young man begged3 ,let me be your protector through life6 ,i am very fond of the company of ladies4 ,i like their beauty1 ,i like their delicacy1 ,i like their vivacity1 and ,i like their silence4--,samuel ,johnson4 ,auld ,nature swears1 the lovely dears ,her noblest work she classes1 ,o3 ,her 'prentice hand she tried on man1 ,an' then she made the lasses1 ,o4 --,burns4 ,not from his head was woman took1 ,as made her husband to o'erlook2 ,not from his feet1 as one designed ,the footstool of the stronger kind2 ,but fashioned for himself1 a bride2 ,an equal1 taken from his side4 --,charles ,wesley4 ,see also ,mice2 ,mothers2 ,smoking2 ,suffragettes2 ,wives2 ,woman suffrage4 ,,woman ,,suffrage ,,woman ,,voter--,now1 ,i may as well be frank with you4 ,i absolutely refuse to vote the same ticket as that horrid ,jones woman4 ,kate ,douglas ,wiggin was asked recently how she stood on the vote for women question4 ,she replied she didn't stand at all1 and told a story about a ,new ,england farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex1 and who1 hurrying from churn to sink1 from sink to shed1 and back to the kitchen stove1 was asked if she wanted to vote4 ,no1 ,i certainly don't6 ,i say if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone1 for goodness sakes let 'em do it6 she replied4 ,,mr4 ,e4,n4 ,,quire--,what are those women mauling that man for8 ,,mrs4 ,,henballot--,he insulted us by saying that the suffrage movement destroyed our naturally timid sweetness and robbed us of all our gentleness4 ,did you cast your vote1 ,aunty8 ,oh1 yes6 ,isn't it grand8 ,a real nice gentleman with a beautiful moustache and yellow spats marked my ballot for me4 ,i know ,i should have marked it myself1 but it seemed to please him greatly4 ,does your wife want to vote8 ,no4 ,she wants a larger town house1 a villa on the sea coast and a new limousine car every six months4 ,i'd be pleased most to death if she could fix her attention on a smaller matter like the vote4 ,what you want1 ,i suppose1 is to vote1 just like the men do4 ,certainly not1 replied ,mrs4 ,baring-,banners4 ,if we couldn't do any better than that there would be no use of our voting4 ,there's only one thing ,i can think of to head off this suffrage movement1 said the mere man4 ,what is that8 asked his wife4 ,make the legal age for voting thirty-five instead of twenty-one4--,catholic ,universe4 ,,mamie--,i believe in woman's rights4 ,,gertie--,then you think every woman should have a vote8 ,,mamie--,no2 but ,i think every woman should have a voter4--,the ,woman's ,journal4 ,during the ,presidential campaign the question of woman suffrage was much discussed among women pro and con1 and at an afternoon tea the conversation turned that way between the women guests4 ,are you a woman suffragist8 asked the one who was most interested4 ,indeed1 ,i am not1 replied the other most emphatically4 ,oh1 that's too bad1 but just supposing you were1 whom would you support in the present campaign8 ,the same man ,i've always supported1 of course1 was the apt reply--my husband4 ,see also ,suffragettes4 ,,women',s ,,clubs ,see ,clubs4 ,,words ,see ,authors4 ,,work ,all work and no play ,makes ,jack surreptitiously gay4 ,wot cheer1 ,alf8 ,yer lookin' sick2 wot is it8 ,work6 nuffink but work1 work1 work1 from mornin' till night6 ',ow long 'ave yer been at it8 ,start tomorrow4--,punch4 ,several men were discussing the relative importance and difficulty of mental and physical work1 and one of them told the following experience3 ,several years ago1 a tramp1 one of the finest specimens of physical manhood that ,i have ever seen1 dropped into my yard and asked me for work4 ,the first day ,i put him to work helping to move some heavy rocks1 and he easily did as much work as any two other men1 and yet was as fresh as could be at the end of the day4 ,the next morning1 having no further use for him1 ,i told him he could go2 but he begged so hard to remain that ,i let him go into the cellar and empty some apple barrels1 putting the good apples into one barrel and throwing away the rotten ones--about a half hour's work4 ,at the end of two hours he was still in the cellar1 and ,i went down to see what the trouble was4 ,i found him only half through1 but almost exhausted1 beads of perspiration on his brow4 ',what's the matter8' ,i asked4 ',surely that work isn't hard4' ',no not hard1' he replied4 ',but the strain on the judgment is awful4' ,see also ,rest cure4 ,,worms ,a country girl was home from college for the ,christmas holidays and the old folks were having a reception in her honor4 ,during the event she brought out some of her new gowns to show to the guests4 ,picking up a beautiful silk creation she held it up before the admiring crowd4 ,isn't this perfectly gorgeous6 she exclaimed4 ,just think1 it came from a poor little insignificant worm6 ,her hard-working father looked a moment1 then he turned and said3 ,yes1 darn it1 an' ,i'm that worm6 ,,yale ,,university ,the new cook1 who had come into the household during the holidays1 asked her mistress3 ,where ban your son8 ,i not seeing him round no more4 ,my son1 replied the mistress pridefully4 ,oh1 he has gone back to ,yale4 ,he could only get away long enough to stay until ,new ,year's day1 you see4 ,i miss him dreadfully1 tho4 ,yas1 ,i knowing yoost how you feel4 ,my broder1 he ban in yail sax times since ,tanksgiving4 ,,yonkers ,an ,american took an ,englishman to a theater4 ,an actor in the farce1 about to die1 exclaimed3 ,please1 dear wife1 don't bury me in ,yonkers6 ,the ,englishman turned to his friend and said3 ,i say1 old chap1 what are yonkers8 ,,you ,here's to the world1 the merry old world1 ,to its days both bright and blue2 ,here's to our future1 be it what it may1 ,and here's to my best--that's you6 ,,zones ,,teacher--,how many zones has the earth8 ,,pupil--,five4 ,,teacher--,correct4 ,name them4 ,,pupil--,temperate zone1 intemperate1 canal1 horrid1 and o4--,life4 ,,index ,,ability ,,abolition ,,absent-,,mindedness ,,accidents ,,acting ,,actors ,,and ,,actresses ,,adaptation ,,addresses ,,advertising ,,advice ,,aeronautics ,,aeroplanes ,,after ,,dinner ,,speeches ,,age ,,agents ,,agriculture ,,alarm ,,clocks ,,alertness ,,alibi ,,alimony ,,allowances ,,altruism ,,ambition ,,american ,,girl ,,americans ,,amusements ,,anatomy ,,ancestry ,,anger ,,anniversaries ,,antidotes ,,appearances ,,applause ,,arbitration ,,international ,,arithmetic ,,armies ,,army ,,rations ,,art ,,artists ,,athletes ,,attention ,,authors ,,automobiles ,,automobiling ,,aviation ,,aviators ,,babies ,,baccalaureate ,,sermons ,,bacteria ,,badges ,,baggage ,,baldness ,,banks ,,and ,,banking ,,baptism ,,baptists ,,bargains ,,baseball ,,baths ,,and ,,bathing ,,bazars ,,beards ,,beauty ,,beauty1 ,,personal ,,beds ,,beer ,,bees ,,beetles ,,begging ,,betting ,,bible ,,interpretation ,,bigamy ,,bills ,,birthdays ,,bluffing ,,blunders ,,boasting ,,bonanzas ,,bookkeeping ,,books ,,and ,,reading ,,booksellers ,,and ,,bookselling ,,bookworms ,,boomerangs ,,bores ,,borrowers ,,bosses ,,boston ,,boxing ,,boys ,,breakfast ,,foods ,,breath ,,brevity ,,bribery ,,brides ,,bridge ,,whist ,,brooklyn ,,bryan1 ,,william ,,jennings ,,buildings ,,burglars ,,business ,,business ,,enterprise ,,business ,,ethics ,,business ,,women ,,campaigns ,,camping ,,candidates ,,canning ,,and ,,preserving ,,capitalists ,,carefulness ,,carpenters ,,carving ,,caste ,,cats ,,cause ,,and ,,effect ,,caution ,,champagne ,,character ,,charity ,,chicago ,,chicken ,,stealing ,,child ,,labor ,,children ,,choices ,,choirs ,,christian ,,scientists ,,christians ,,christmas ,,gifts ,,chronology ,,church ,,attendance ,,church ,,discipline ,,circus ,,civilization ,,cleanliness ,,clergy ,,climate ,,clothing ,,clubs ,,coal ,,dealers ,,coeducation ,,coffee ,,coins ,,collecting ,,of ,,accounts ,,collectors ,,and ,,collecting ,,college ,,graduates ,,college ,,students ,,colleges ,,and ,,universities ,,common ,,sense ,,commuters ,,comparisons ,,compensation ,,competition ,,compliments ,,composers ,,compromises ,,confessions ,,congress ,,congressmen ,,conscience ,,consequences ,,consideration ,,constancy ,,contribution ,,box ,,conundrums ,,conversation ,,cookery ,,cooks ,,cornets ,,corns ,,corpulence ,,cosmopolitanism ,,cost ,,of ,,living ,,country ,,life ,,courage ,,courtesy ,,courts ,,courtship ,,cowards ,,cows ,,criticism ,,cruelty ,,cucumbers ,,culture ,,curfew ,,curiosity ,,cyclones ,,dachshunds ,,damages ,,dancing ,,dead ,,beats ,,debts ,,deer ,,degrees ,,democracy ,,democratic ,,party ,,dentistry ,,dentists ,,description ,,design1 ,,decorative ,,destination ,,details ,,detectives ,,determination ,,diagnosis ,,diet ,,dilemmas ,,dining ,,diplomacy ,,discipline ,,discounts ,,discretion ,,disposition ,,distances ,,divorce ,,dogs ,,domestic ,,finance ,,domestic ,,relations ,,drama ,,dramatic ,,criticism ,,dramatists ,,dressmakers ,,drinking ,,droughts ,,drunkards ,,dyspepsia ,,echoes ,,economy ,,editors ,,education ,,efficiency ,,egotism ,,elections ,,electricity ,,embarrassing ,,situations ,,employers ,,and ,,employees ,,enemies ,,england ,,english ,,language ,,englishmen ,,enthusiasm ,,epitaphs ,,epithets ,,equality ,,ermine ,,escapes ,,ethics ,,etiquet ,,european ,,war ,,evidence ,,examinations ,,excuses ,,exposure ,,extortion ,,extravagance ,,failures ,,faith ,,faithfulness ,,fame ,,families ,,farewells ,,fashion ,,fate ,,fathers ,,faults ,,fees ,,feet ,,fighting ,,finance ,,finger-,,bowls ,,fire ,,departments ,,fire ,,escapes ,,fires ,,first ,,aid ,,in ,,illness ,,and ,,injury ,,fish ,,fishermen ,,fishing ,,flats ,,flattery ,,flies ,,flirtation ,,flowers ,,food ,,football ,,fords ,,forecasting ,,foresight ,,forgetfulness ,,fortune ,,hunters ,,fountain ,,pens ,,fourth ,,of ,,july ,,freaks ,,free ,,thought ,,french ,,language ,,freshmen ,,friends ,,friends1 ,,society ,,of ,,friendship ,,fun ,,funerals ,,furniture ,,future ,,life ,,gardening ,,gas ,,stoves ,,generosity ,,gentlemen ,,germans ,,ghosts ,,gifts ,,gluttony ,,golf ,,good ,,fellowship ,,gossip ,,government ,,ownership ,,governors ,,graft ,,gratitude ,,great ,,britain ,,grief ,,guarantees ,,guests ,,habit ,,hades ,,happiness ,,harnessing ,,harvard ,,university ,,hash ,,haste ,,health ,,resorts ,,hearing ,,heaven ,,heirlooms ,,hell ,,heredity ,,heroes ,,high ,,cost ,,of ,,living ,,hinting ,,home ,,homeliness ,,homesteads ,,honesty ,,honor ,,hope ,,horses ,,hosts ,,hotels ,,hunger ,,hunting ,,hurry ,,husbands ,,hybridization ,,hyperbole ,,hypocrisy ,,ideals ,,illusions ,,and ,,hallucinations ,,imagination ,,imitation ,,infants ,,inquisitiveness ,,insanity ,,inspirations ,,instalment ,,plan ,,instructions ,,insurance1 ,,life ,,insurance ,,blanks ,,insurgents ,,interviews ,,invitations ,,irish ,,bulls ,,irishmen ,,irreverence ,,ideals ,,illusions ,,and ,,hallucinations ,,imagination ,,imitation ,,infants ,,inquisitiveness ,,insanity ,,inspirations ,,instalment ,,plan ,,instructions ,,insurance1 ,,life ,,insurance ,,blanks ,,insurgents ,,interviews ,,invitations ,,irish ,,bulls ,,irishmen ,,irreverence ,,james1 ,,henry ,,jewels ,,jews ,,jokes ,,journalism ,,judges ,,judgment ,,jury ,,justice ,,juvenile ,,delinquency ,,kentucky ,,kindness ,,kings ,,and ,,rulers ,,kisses ,,knowledge ,,kultur ,,labor ,,and ,,laboring ,,classes ,,ladies ,,landlords ,,languages ,,laughter ,,law ,,lawyers ,,laziness ,,leap ,,year ,,legislators ,,liars ,,liberty ,,librarians ,,life ,,lisping ,,lost ,,and ,,found ,,love ,,loyalty ,,luck ,,maine ,,making ,,good ,,malaria ,,marks7,,wo7,,manship ,,marriage ,,marriage ,,fees ,,mathematics ,,matrimony ,,measuring ,,instruments ,,medical ,,inspection ,,of ,,schools ,,medicine ,,meekness ,,memorials ,,memory ,,men ,,messages ,,metaphor ,,mice ,,middle ,,classes ,,militants ,,military ,,discipline ,,milliners ,,millionaires ,,minorities ,,misers ,,missionaries ,,missions ,,mistaken ,,identity ,,mollycoddles ,,money ,,moral ,,education ,,mosquitoes ,,mothers ,,mothers-,,in-,,law ,,motorcycles ,,mountains ,,moving ,,pictures ,,muck-,,raking ,,mules ,,municipal ,,government ,,museums ,,music ,,musicians ,,names1 ,,personal ,,natives ,,nature ,,lovers ,,navigation ,,neatness ,,negroes ,,neighbors ,,new ,,jersey ,,new ,,york ,,city ,,news ,,newspapers ,,obesity ,,obituaries ,,observation ,,occupations ,,ocean ,,office ,,boys ,,office-,,seekers ,,old ,,age ,,old ,,masters ,,onions ,,opera ,,opportunity ,,optimism ,,orators ,,outdoor ,,life ,,painting ,,paintings ,,panics ,,parents ,,parrots ,,partnership ,,passwords ,,patience ,,patriotism ,,pensions ,,pessimism ,,philadelphia ,,philanthropists ,,philosophy ,,physicians ,,and ,,surgeons ,,pickpockets ,,pins ,,pittsburg ,,play ,,pleasure ,,poetry ,,poets ,,police ,,politeness ,,political ,,parties ,,politicians ,,politics ,,poverty ,,praise ,,prayer ,,meetings ,,prayers ,,preaching ,,prescriptions ,,presence ,,of ,,mind ,,printers ,,prisons ,,prodigals ,,profanity ,,prohibition ,,promoting ,,promotion ,,promptness ,,pronunciation ,,proportion ,,proposals ,,propriety ,,prosperity ,,protestant ,,episcopal ,,church ,,protestants ,,providence ,,provincialism ,,public ,,service ,,corporations ,,public ,,speakers ,,punishment ,,puns ,,pure ,,food ,,quarrels ,,questions ,,quotations ,,race ,,prejudices ,,race ,,pride ,,race ,,suicide ,,races ,,railroads ,,rapid ,,transit ,,reading ,,real ,,estate ,,agents ,,realism ,,recall ,,recommendations ,,reconciliations ,,reformers ,,regrets ,,rehearsals ,,relatives ,,religions ,,remedies ,,reminders ,,repartee ,,reporting ,,republican ,,party ,,reputation ,,resemblances ,,resignation ,,respectability ,,rest ,,cure ,,retaliation ,,revolutions ,,rewards ,,rheumatism ,,roads ,,roasts ,,roosevelt1 ,,theodore ,,salaries ,,salesmen ,,and ,,salesmanship ,,saloons ,,salvation ,,saving ,,scandal ,,schools ,,scientific ,,management ,,scotch1 ,,the ,,seasickness ,,seasons ,,senators ,,sense ,,of ,,humor ,,sentries ,,sermons ,,servants ,,shopping ,,shyness ,,signs ,,silence ,,sin ,,skating ,,sky-,,scrapers ,,sleep ,,smiles ,,smoking ,,sneezing ,,snobbery ,,snoring ,,socialists ,,society ,,solecisms ,,sons ,,souvenirs ,,speculation ,,speed ,,spinsters ,,spite ,,spring ,,stammering ,,statesmen ,,statistics ,,steak ,,steam ,,steamships ,,and ,,steamboats ,,stenographers ,,stock ,,brokers ,,strategy ,,subways ,,success ,,suffragettes ,,suicide ,,summer ,,resorts ,,sunday ,,sunday ,,schools ,,superstition ,,surprise ,,swimmers ,,sympathy ,,synonyms ,,table ,,manners ,,tact ,,taft1 ,,william ,,howard ,,talent ,,talkers ,,tardiness ,,tariff ,,taste ,,teachers ,,tears ,,teeth ,,telephone ,,temper ,,temperance ,,texas ,,texts ,,theater ,,thieves ,,thin ,,people ,,thrift ,,tides ,,time ,,tips ,,titles ,,of ,,honor ,,and ,,nobility ,,toasts ,,tobacco ,,tourists ,,tramps ,,transmutation ,,travelers ,,treason ,,trees ,,trigonometry ,,trouble ,,trusts ,,truth ,,turkeys ,,tutors ,,twins ,,umbrellas ,,value ,,vanity ,,versatility ,,voice ,,wages ,,waiters ,,war ,,warnings ,,washington1 ,,george ,,wasps ,,waste ,,wealth ,,weather ,,wedding ,,anniversaries ,,wedding ,,presents ,,weddings ,,weights ,,and ,,measures ,,welcomes ,,west1 ,,the ,,whisky ,,whisky ,,breath ,,widows ,,wind ,,windfalls ,,wine ,,wishes ,,witnesses ,,wives ,,woman ,,woman ,,suffrage ,,women',s ,,clubs ,,words ,,work ,,worms ,,yale ,,university ,,yonkers ,,you ,,zones