,,the ,,inferno ,,by ,,henri ,,barbusse ,,author ,,of ,,under ,,fire ,,translated ,,from ,,the #ajj,,th ,,french ,,edition ,,with ,,an ,,introduction ,,by ,,edward ,j4 ,o',,brien #aiah ,,introduction ,in introducing ,m4 ,barbusse's most important book to a public already familiar with ,under ,fire1 it seems well to point out the relation of the author's philosophy to his own time1 and the kinship of his art to that of certain other contemporary ,french and ,english novelists4 ,l',enfer has been more widely read and discussed in ,france than any other realistic study since the days of ,zola4 ,the ,french sales of the volume1 in #aiag alone1 exceeded a hundred thousand copies1 a popularity all the more remarkable from the fact that its appeal is based as much on its philosophical substance as on the story which it tells4 ,although ,m4 ,barbusse is one of the most distinguished contemporary ,french writers of short stories1 he has found in the novel form the most fitting literary medium for the expression of his philosophy1 and it is to realism rather than romanticism that he turns for the exposition of his special imaginative point of view4 ,and yet this statement seems to need some qualification4 ,in his introduction to ,pointed ,roofs1 by ,dorothy ,richardson1 ,mr4 ,j4,d4 ,beresford points out that a new objective literary method is becoming general in which the writer's strict detachment from his objective subject matter is united to a tendency1 impersonal1 to be sure1 to immerse himself in the life surrounding his characters4 ,miss ,may ,sinclair points out that writers are beginning to take the complete plunge for the first time1 and instances as examples1 not only the novels of ,dorothy ,richardson1 but those of ,james ,joyce4 ,now it is perfectly true that ,miss ,richardson and ,mr4 ,joyce have introduced this method into ,english fiction1 and that ,mr4 ,frank ,swinnerton has carried the method a step further in another direction1 but before these writers there was a precedent in ,france for this method1 of which perhaps the two chief exemplars were ,jules ,romains and ,henri ,barbusse4 ,although the two writers have little else in common1 both are intensely conscious of the tremendous1 if imponderable1 impact of elemental and universal forces upon personality1 of the profound modifications which natural and social environment unconsciously impress upon the individual life1 and of the continual interaction of forces by which the course of life is changed more fundamentally than by less imperceptible influences4 ,both ,m4 ,romains and ,m4 ,barbusse perceive1 as the fundamental factor influencing human life1 the contraction and expansion of physical and spiritual relationship1 the inevitable ebb and flow perceived by the poet who pointed out that we cannot touch a flower without troubling of a star4 ,m4 ,romains has found his literary medium in what he calls unanimism4 ,while ,m4 ,barbusse would not claim to belong to the same school1 and in fact would appear on the surface to be at the opposite pole of life in his philosophy1 we shall find that his detachment1 founded1 though it is1 upon solitude1 takes essentially the same account of outside forces as the philosophy of ,m4 ,romains4 ,he perceives that each man is an island of illimitable forces apart from his fellows1 passionately eager to live his own life to the last degree of self-fulfilment1 but continually thwarted by nature and by other men and women1 until death interposes and sets the seal of oblivion upon all that he has dreamed and sought4 ,and he has set himself the task of disengaging1 as far as possible1 the purpose and hope of human life1 of endeavouring to discover what promise exists for the future and how this promise can be related to the present1 of marking the relationship between eternity and time1 and discovering1 through the tragedies of birth1 love1 marriage1 illness and death1 the ultimate possibility of human development and fulfilment4 ,the ,inferno is therefore a tragic book4 ,but ,i think that the attentive reader will find that the destructive criticism of ,m4 ,barbusse1 in so far as it is possible for him to agree with it1 only clears away the dead undergrowth which obscures the author's passionate hope and belief in the future4 ,although the action of this story is spiritual as well as physical1 and occupies less than a month of time1 it is focussed intensely upon reality4 ,everything that the author permits us to see and understand is seen through a single point of life--a hole pierced in the wall between two rooms of a grey ,paris boarding house4 ,the time is most often twilight1 with its romantic penumbra1 darkening into the obscurity of night by imperceptible degrees4 ,m4 ,barbusse has conceived the idea of making a man perceive the whole spiritual tragedy of life through a cranny in the wall1 and there is a fine symbolism in this1 as if he were vouchsafing us the opportunity to perceive eternal things through the tiny crack which is all that is revealed to us of infinity1 so that the gates of ,horn1 darkened by our human blindness1 scarcely swing open before they close again4 ,the hero of this story has been dazzled by the flaming ramparts of the world1 so that eternity is only revealed to him in fiery glimpses that shrivel him1 and he is left in the dark void of time1 clinging to a dream which already begins to fail him4 ,and the significant thing about this book is that the final revelation comes to him through the human voices of those who have suffered much1 because they have loved much1 after his own daring intellectual flights have failed him4 ,so this man who has confronted the greatest realities of life1 enabled to view them with the same objective detachment with which ,god sees them1 though without the divine knowledge which transmutes their darkness1 comes to learn that we carry all heaven and hell within ourselves1 and with a relentless insight1 almost ,lucretian in its desperate intensity1 he cries3 ,we are divinely alone1 the heavens have fallen on our heads4 ,and he adds3 ,here they will pass again1 day after day1 year after year1 all the prisoners of rooms will pass in their kind of eternity4 ,in the twilight when everything fades1 they will sit down near the light1 in the room full of haloes2 they will drag themselves to the window's void4 ,their mouths will join and they will grow tender4 ,they will exchange a first or a last useless glance4 ,they will open their arms1 they will caress each other4 ,they will love life and be afraid to disappear4444 ,i have heard the annunciation of whatever finer things are to come4 ,through me has passed1 without staying me in my course1 the ,word which does not lie1 and which said over again1 will satisfy4 ,truly a great and pitiless book1 but there is a cleansing wind running through it1 which sweeps away life's illusions1 and leaves a new hope for the future in our hearts4 ,,edward ,j4 ,o',,brien4 ,,bass ,,river1 ,,mass41 ,july1 #aj1 #aiah4 ,,chapter ,i ,the landlady1 ,madame ,lemercier1 left me alone in my room1 after a short speech impressing upon me all the material and moral advantages of the ,lemercier boarding-house4 ,i stopped in front of the glass1 in the middle of the room in which ,i was going to live for a while4 ,i looked round the room and then at myself4 ,the room was grey and had a dusty smell4 ,i saw two chairs1 one of which held my valise1 two narrow-backed armchairs with smeary upholstery1 a table with a piece of green felt set into the top1 and an oriental carpet with an arabesque pattern that fairly leaped to the eye4 ,this particular room ,i had never seen before1 but1 oh1 how familiar it all was--that bed of imitation mahogany1 that frigid toilet table1 that inevitable arrangement of the furniture1 that emptiness within those four walls4 ,the room was worn with use1 as if an infinite number of people had occupied it4 ,the carpet was frayed from the door to the window--a path trodden by a host of feet from day to day4 ,the moulding1 which ,i could reach with my hands1 was out of line and cracked1 and the marble mantelpiece had lost its sharp edges4 ,human contact wears things out with disheartening slowness4 ,things tarnish1 too4 ,little by little1 the ceiling had darkened like a stormy sky4 ,the places on the whitish woodwork and the pink wallpaper that had been touched oftenest had become smudgy--the edge of the door1 the paint around the lock of the closet and the wall alongside the window where one pulls the curtain cords4 ,a whole world of human beings had passed here like smoke1 leaving nothing white but the window4 ,and ,i8 ,i am a man like every other man1 just as that evening was like every other evening4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i had been travelling since morning4 ,hurry1 formalities1 baggage1 the train1 the whiff of different towns4 ,i fell into one of the armchairs4 ,everything became quieter and more peaceful4 ,my coming from the country to stay in ,paris for good marked an epoch in my life4 ,i had found a situation here in a bank4 ,my days were to change4 ,it was because of this change that ,i got away from my usual thoughts and turned to thoughts of myself4 ,i was thirty years old4 ,i had lost my father and mother eighteen or twenty years before1 so long ago that the event was now insignificant4 ,i was unmarried4 ,i had no children and shall have none4 ,there are moments when this troubles me1 when ,i reflect that with me a line will end which has lasted since the beginning of humanity4 ,was ,i happy8 ,yes1 ,i had nothing to mourn or regret1 ,i had no complicated desires4 ,therefore1 ,i was happy4 ,i remembered that since my childhood ,i had had spiritual illuminations1 mystical emotions1 a morbid fondness for shutting myself up face to face with my past4 ,i had attributed exceptional importance to myself and had come to think that ,i was more than other people4 ,but this had gradually become submerged in the positive nothingness of every day4 4 4 4 4 4 ,there ,i was now in that room4 ,i leaned forward in my armchair to be nearer the glass1 and ,i examined myself carefully4 ,rather short1 with an air of reserve 7although there are times when ,i let myself go72 quite correctly dressed2 nothing to criticise and nothing striking about my appearance4 ,i looked close at my eyes4 ,they are green1 though1 oddly enough1 people usually take them for black4 ,i believed in many things in a confused sort of way1 above all1 in the existence of ,god1 if not in the dogmas of religion4 ,however1 ,i thought1 these last had advantages for poor people and for women1 who have less intellect than men4 ,as for philosophical discussions1 ,i thought they are absolutely useless4 ,you cannot demonstrate or verify anything4 ,what was truth1 anyway8 ,i had a sense of good and evil4 ,i would not have committed an indelicacy1 even if certain of impunity4 ,i would not have permitted myself the slightest overstatement4 ,if everyone were like me1 all would be well4 4 4 4 4 4 ,it was already late4 ,i was not going to do anything4 ,i remained seated there1 at the end of the day1 opposite the looking-glass4 ,in the setting of the room that the twilight began to invade1 ,i saw the outline of my forehead1 the oval of my face1 and1 under my blinking eyelids1 the gaze by which ,i enter into myself as into a tomb4 ,my tiredness1 the gloominess 7,i heard rain outside71 the darkness that intensified my solitude and made me look larger1 and then something else1 ,i knew not what1 made me sad4 ,it bored me to be sad4 ,i shook myself4 ,what was the matter8 ,nothing4 ,only myself4 ,i have not always been alone in life as ,i was that evening4 ,love for me had taken on the form and the being of my little ,josette4 ,we had met long before1 in the rear of the millinery shop in which she worked at ,tours4 ,she had smiled at me with singular persistence1 and ,i caught her head in my hands1 kissed her on the lips--and found out suddenly that ,i loved her4 ,i no longer recall the strange bliss we felt when1 we first embraced4 ,it is true1 there are moments when ,i still desire her as madly as the first time4 ,this is so especially when she is away4 ,when she is with me1 there are moments when she repels me4 ,we discovered each other in the holidays4 ,the days when we shall see each other again before we die--we could count them--if we dared4 ,to die6 ,the idea of death is decidedly the most important of all ideas4 ,i should die some day4 ,had ,i ever thought of it8 ,i reflected4 ,no1 ,i had never thought of it4 ,i could not4 ,you can no more look destiny in the face than you can look at the sun1 and yet destiny is grey4 ,and night came1 as every night will come1 until the last one1 which will be too vast4 ,but all at once ,i jumped up and stood on my feet1 reeling1 my heart throbbing like the fluttering of wings4 ,what was it8 ,in the street a horn resounded1 playing a hunting song4 ,apparently some groom of a rich family1 standing near the bar of a tavern1 with cheeks puffed out1 mouth squeezed tight1 and an air of ferocity1 astonishing and silencing his audience4 ,but the thing that so stirred me was not the mere blowing of a horn in the city streets4 ,i had been brought up in the country1 and as a child ,i used to hear that blast far in the distance1 along the road to the woods and the castle4 ,the same air1 the same thing exactly4 ,how could the two be so precisely alike8 ,and involuntarily my hand wavered to my heart4 ,formerly--to-day--my life--my heart--myself6 ,i thought of all this suddenly1 for no reason1 as if ,i had gone mad4 4 4 4 4 4 ,my past--what had ,i ever made of myself8 ,nothing1 and ,i was already on the decline4 ,ah1 because the refrain recalled the past1 it seemed to me as if it were all over with me1 and ,i had not lived4 ,and ,i had a longing for a sort of lost paradise4 ,but of what avail to pray or rebel8 ,i felt ,i had nothing more to expect from life4 ,thenceforth1 ,i should be neither happy nor unhappy4 ,i could not rise from the dead4 ,i would grow old quietly1 as quiet as ,i was that day in the room where so many people had left their traces1 and yet no one had left his own traces4 ,this room--anywhere you turn1 you find this room4 ,it is the universal room4 ,you think it is closed4 ,no1 it is open to the four winds of heaven4 ,it is lost amid a host of similar rooms1 like the light in the sky1 like one day amid the host of all other days1 like my ,i amid a host of other ,i's4 ,i1 ,i6 ,i saw nothing more now than the pallor of my face1 with deep orbits1 buried in the twilight1 and my mouth filled with a silence which gently but surely stifles and destroys4 ,i raised myself on my elbow as on a clipped wing4 ,i wished that something partaking of the infinite would happen to me4 ,i had no genius1 no mission to fulfil1 no great heart to bestow4 ,i had nothing and ,i deserved nothing4 ,but all the same ,i desired some sort of reward4 ,love4 ,i dreamed of a unique1 an unheard-of idyll with a woman far from the one with whom ,i had hitherto lost all my time1 a woman whose features ,i did not see1 but whose shadow ,i imagined beside my own as we walked along the road together4 ,something infinite1 something new6 ,a journey1 an extraordinary journey into which to throw myself headlong and bring variety into my life4 ,luxurious1 bustling departures surrounded by solicitous inferiors1 a lazy leaning back in railway trains that thunder along through wild landscapes and past cities rising up and growing as if blown by the wind4 ,steamers1 masts1 orders given in barbarous tongues1 landings on golden quays1 then strange1 exotic faces in the sunlight1 puzzlingly alike1 and monuments1 familiar from pictures1 which1 in my tourist's pride1 seem to have come close to me4 ,my brain was empty1 my heart arid4 ,i had never found anything1 not even a friend4 ,i was a poor man stranded for a day in a boarding-house room where everybody comes and everybody goes4 ,and yet ,i longed for glory6 ,for glory bound to me like a miraculous wound that ,i should feel and everybody would talk about4 ,i longed for a following of which ,i should be the leader1 my name acclaimed under the heavens like a new clarion call4 ,but ,i felt my grandeur slip away4 ,my childish imagination played in vain with those boundless fancies4 ,there was nothing more for me to expect from life4 ,there was only ,i1 who1 stripped by the night1 rose upward like a cry4 ,i could hardly see any more in the dark4 ,i guessed at1 rather than saw1 myself in the mirror4 ,i had a realising sense of my weakness and captivity4 ,i held my hands out toward the window1 my outstretched fingers making them look like something torn4 ,i lifted my face up to the sky4 ,i sank back and leaned on the bed1 a huge object with a vague human shape1 like a corpse4 ,god1 ,i was lost6 ,i prayed to ,him to have pity on me4 ,i thought that ,i was wise and content with my lot4 ,i had said to myself that ,i was free from the instinct of theft4 ,alas1 alas1 it was not true1 since ,i longed to take everything that was not mine4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,the sound of the horn had ceased for some time4 ,the street and the houses had quieted down4 ,silence4 ,i passed my hand over my forehead4 ,my fit of emotion was over4 ,so much the better4 ,i recovered my balance by an effort of will-power4 ,i sat down at the table and took some papers out of my bag that ,i had to look over and arrange4 ,something spurred me on4 ,i wanted to earn a little money4 ,i could then send some to my old aunt who had brought me up4 ,she always waited for me in the low-ceilinged room1 where her sewing-machine1 afternoons1 whirred1 monotonous and tiresome as a clock1 and where1 evenings1 there was a lamp beside her which somehow seemed to look like herself4 ,notes--the notes from which ,i was to draw up the report that would show my ability and definitely decide whether ,i would get a position in ,monsieur ,berton's bank--,monsieur ,berton1 who could do everything for me1 who had but to say a word1 the god of my material life4 ,i started to light the lamp4 ,i scratched a match4 ,it did not catch fire1 the phosphorous end breaking off4 ,i threw it away and waited a moment1 feeling a little tired4 ,then ,i heard a song hummed quite close to my ear4 4 4 4 4 4 ,some one seemed to be leaning on my shoulder1 singing for me1 only for me1 in confidence4 ,ah1 an hallucination6 ,surely my brain was sick--my punishment for having thought too hard4 ,i stood up1 and my hand clutched the edge of the table4 ,i was oppressed by a feeling of the supernatural4 ,i sniffed the air1 my eyelids blinking1 alert and suspicious4 ,the singing kept on4 ,i could not get rid of it4 ,my head was beginning to go round4 ,the singing came from the room next to mine4 ,why was it so pure1 so strangely near8 ,why did it touch me so8 ,i looked at the wall between the two rooms1 and stifled a cry of surprise4 ,high up1 near the ceiling1 above the door1 always kept locked1 there was a light4 ,the song fell from that star4 ,there was a crack in the partition at that spot1 through which the light of the next room entered the night of mine4 ,i climbed up on the bed1 and my face was on a level with the crack4 ,rotten woodwork1 two loose bricks4 ,the plaster gave way and an opening appeared as large as my hand1 but invisible from below1 because of the moulding4 ,i looked4 ,i beheld4 ,the next room presented itself to my sight freely4 ,it spread out before me1 this room which was not mine4 ,the voice that had been singing had gone1 and in going had left the door open1 and it almost seemed as though the door were still swinging on its hinges4 ,there was nothing in the room but a lighted candle1 which trembled on the mantelpiece4 ,at that distance the table looked like an island1 the bluish and reddish pieces of furniture1 in their vague outline1 like the organs of a body almost alive4 ,i looked at the wardrobe4 ,bright1 confused lines going straight up1 its feet in darkness4 ,the ceiling1 the reflection of the ceiling in the glass1 and the pale window like a human face against the sky4 ,i returned to my room--as if ,i had really left it--stunned at first1 my thoughts in a whirl1 almost forgetting who ,i was4 ,i sat down on my bed1 thinking things over quickly and trembling a little1 oppressed by what was to come4 ,i dominated1 ,i possessed that room4 ,my eyes entered it4 ,i was in it4 ,all who would be there would be there with me without knowing it4 ,i should see them1 ,i should hear them1 ,i should be as much in their company as though the door were open4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a moment later ,i raised my face to the hole and looked again4 ,the candle was out1 but some one was there4 ,it was the maid4 ,no doubt she had come in to put the room in order4 ,then she paused4 ,she was alone4 ,she was quite near me4 ,but ,i did not very well see the living being who was moving about1 perhaps because ,i was dazzled by seeing it so truly--a dark blue apron1 falling down from her waist like rays of evening1 white wrists1 hands darker than her wrists from toil1 a face undecided yet striking1 eyes hidden yet shining1 cheeks prominent and clear1 a knot on top of her head gleaming like a crown4 ,a short time before ,i had seen the girl on the staircase bending over cleaning the banisters1 her reddened face close to her large hands4 ,i had found her repulsive because of those blackened hands of hers and the dusty chores that she stooped over4 ,i had also seen her in a hallway walking ahead of me heavily1 her hair hanging loose and her body giving out an unpleasant odour1 so that you felt it was obnoxious and wrapped in dirty underwear4 4 4 4 4 4 ,and now ,i looked at her again4 ,the evening gently dispelled the ugliness1 wiped out the misery and the horror1 changed the dust into shadow1 like a curse turned into a blessing4 ,all that remained of her was colour1 a mist1 an outline2 not even that2 a thrill and the beating of her heart4 ,every trace of her had disappeared save her true self4 ,that was because she was alone4 ,an extraordinary thing1 a dash of the divine in it1 to be actually alone4 ,she was in that perfect innocence1 that purity which is solitude4 ,i desecrated her solitude with my eyes1 but she did not know it1 and so _/she_/ was not desecrated4 ,she went over to the window with brightening eyes and swinging hands in her apron of the colour of the nocturnal sky4 ,her face and the upper part of her body were illuminated4 ,she seemed to be in heaven4 ,she sat down on the sofa1 a great low red shadow in the depths of the room near the window4 ,she leaned her broom beside her4 ,her dust cloth fell to the floor and was lost from sight4 ,she took a letter from her pocket and read it4 ,in the twilight the letter was the whitest thing in the world4 ,the double sheet trembled between her fingers1 which held it carefully1 like a dove in the air4 ,she put the trembling letter to her lips1 and kissed it4 ,from whom was the letter8 ,not from her family4 ,a servant girl is not likely to have so much filial devotion as to kiss a letter from her parents4 ,a lover1 her betrothed1 yes4 ,many1 perhaps1 knew her lover's name4 ,i did not1 but ,i witnessed her love as no other person had4 ,and that simple gesture of kissing the paper1 that gesture buried in a room1 stripped bare by the dark1 had something sublime and awesome in it4 ,she rose and went closer to the window1 the white letter folded in her grey hand4 ,the night thickened--and it seemed to me as if ,i no longer knew her age1 nor her name1 nor the work she happened to be doing down here1 nor anything about her--nothing at all4 ,she gazed at the pale immensity1 which touched her4 ,her eyes gleamed4 ,you would say she was crying1 but no1 her eyes only shed light4 ,she would be an angel if reality flourished upon the earth4 ,she sighed and walked to the door slowly4 ,the door closed behind her like something falling4 ,she had gone without doing anything but reading her letter and kissing it4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i returned to my corner lonely1 more terribly alone than before4 ,the simplicity of this meeting stirred me profoundly4 ,yet there had been no one there but a human being1 a human being like myself4 ,then there is nothing sweeter and stronger than to approach a human being1 whoever that human being may be4 ,this woman entered into my intimate life and took a place in my heart4 ,how8 ,why8 ,i did not know4 ,but what importance she assumed6 ,not of herself4 ,i did not know her1 and ,i did not care to know her4 ,she assumed importance by the sole value of the momentary revelation of her existence1 by the example she gave1 by the wake of her actual presence1 by the true sound of her steps4 ,it seemed to me as if the supernatural dream ,i had had a short while before had been granted1 and that what ,i called the infinite had come4 ,what that woman1 without knowing it1 had given me by showing me her naked kiss--was it not the crowning beauty the reflection of which covers you with glory8 4 4 4 4 4 ,the dinner bell rang4 ,this summons to everyday reality and one's usual occupations changed the course of my thoughts for the moment4 ,i got ready to go down to dinner4 ,i put on a gay waistcoat and a dark coat1 and ,i stuck a pearl in my cravat4 ,then ,i stood still and listened1 hoping to hear a footstep or a voice4 ,while doing these conventional things1 ,i continued to be obsessed by the great event that had happened--this apparition4 ,i went downstairs and joined the rest of my fellow-boarders in the brown and gold dining-room4 ,there was a general stir and bustle and the usual empty interest before a meal4 ,a number of people seated themselves with the good manners of polite society4 ,smiles1 the sound of chairs being drawn up to the table1 words thrown out1 conversations started4 ,then the concert of plates and dishes began and grew steadily louder4 ,my neighbours talked to those beside them4 ,i heard their murmur1 which accentuated my aloneness4 ,i lifted my eyes4 ,in front of me a shining row of foreheads1 eyes1 collars1 shirtfronts1 waists1 and busy hands above a table of glistening whiteness4 ,all these things attracted my attention and distracted it at the same time4 ,i did not know what these people were thinking about4 ,i did not know who they were4 ,they hid themselves from one another4 ,their shining fronts made a wall against which ,i dashed in vain4 ,bracelets1 necklaces1 rings4 ,the sparkling of the jewels made me feel far away from them as do the stars4 ,a young girl looked at me with vague blue eyes4 ,what could ,i do against that kind of sapphire8 ,they talked1 but the noise left each one to himself1 and deafened me1 as the light blinded me4 ,nevertheless1 at certain moments these people1 because in the course of conversation they thought of things they had at heart1 revealed themselves as if they were alone4 ,i recognized the revelation of this truth1 and felt myself turning pale on remembering that other revelation4 ,some one spoke of money1 and the subject became general4 ,the assembly was stirred by an ideal4 ,a dream of grasping and touching shone through their eyes1 just as a little adoration had come into the eyes of the servant when she found herself alone4 ,they recalled military heroes triumphantly1 and some men thought1 ,me1 too6 and worked themselves up into a fever1 showing what they were thinking of1 in spite of their ridiculously low station and the slavery of their social position4 ,one young girl seemed dazzled1 looked overwhelmed4 ,she could not restrain a sigh of ecstasy4 ,she blushed under the effect of an inscrutable thought4 ,i saw the surge of blood mount to her face4 ,i saw her heart beaming4 ,they discussed the phenomena of occultism and the ,beyond4 ,who knows8 some one said4 ,then they discussed death4 ,two diners1 at opposite ends of the table1 a man and a woman who had not spoken to each other and seemed not to be acquainted1 exchanged a glance that ,i caught4 ,and seeing that glance leap from their eyes at the same time1 under the shock of the idea of death1 ,i understood that these two loved each other4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the meal was over4 ,the young people went into the parlour4 ,a lawyer was telling some people around him about a murder case that had been decided that day4 ,the nature of the subject was such that he expressed himself very cautiously1 as though confiding a secret4 ,a man had injured and then murdered a little girl and had kept singing at the top of his voice to prevent the cries of his little victim from being heard4 ,one by one the people stopped talking and listened with the air of really not listening1 while those not so close to the speaker felt like drawing up right next to him4 ,about this image risen in their midst1 this paroxysm so frightful to our timid instincts1 the silence spread in a circle in their souls like a terrific noise4 ,then ,i heard the laugh of a woman1 of an honest woman1 a dry crackling laugh1 which she thought innocent perhaps1 but which caressed her whole being1 a burst of laughter1 which1 made up of formless instinctive cries1 was almost fleshy4 ,she stopped and turned1 silent again4 ,and the speaker1 sure of his effect1 continued in a calm voice to hurl upon these people the story of the monster's confession4 ,a young mother1 whose daughter was sitting beside her1 half got up1 but could not leave4 ,she sat down again and bent forward to conceal her daughter4 ,she was eager and yet ashamed to listen4 ,another woman was sitting motionless1 with her head leaning forward1 but her mouth compressed as if she were defending herself tragically4 ,and beneath the worldly mask of her face1 ,i saw a fanatical martyr's smile impress itself like handwriting4 ,and the men6 ,i distinctly heard one man1 the man who was so calm and simple1 catch his breath4 ,another man1 with a characterless business man's face1 was making a great effort to talk of this and that to a young girl sitting next to him1 while he watched her with a look of which he was ashamed and which made him blink4 ,and everybody condemned the satyr in terms of the greatest abuse4 ,and so1 for a moment1 they had not lied4 ,they had almost confessed1 perhaps unconsciously1 and even without knowing what they had confessed4 ,they had almost been their real selves4 ,desire had leaped into their eyes1 and the reflection passed--and ,i had seen what happened in the silence1 sealed by their lips4 ,it is this1 it is this thought1 this kind of living spectre1 that ,i wished to study4 ,i rose1 shrugging my shoulders1 and hurried out1 impelled by eagerness to see the sincerity of men and women unveiled before my eyes1 beautiful as a masterpiece in spite of its ugliness4 ,so1 back in my room again1 ,i placed myself against the wall as if to embrace it and look down into the ,room4 ,there it was at my feet4 ,even when empty1 it was more alive than the people one meets and associates with1 the people who have the vastness of numbers to lose themselves in and be forgotten in1 who have voices for lying and faces to hide themselves behind4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,night1 absolute night4 ,shadows thick as velvet hung all around4 ,everything sank into darkness4 ,i sat down and leaned my elbow on the round table1 lighted by the lamp4 ,i meant to work1 but as a matter of fact ,i only listened4 ,i had looked into the ,room a short time before4 ,no one had been there1 but no doubt some one was going to come4 ,some one was going to come1 that evening perhaps1 or the next day1 or the day after4 ,some one was bound to come4 ,then other human beings would follow in succession4 ,i waited1 and it seemed to me as if that was all ,i was made for4 ,i waited a long time1 not daring to go to sleep4 ,then1 very late1 when silence had been reigning so long that it paralysed me1 ,i made an effort4 ,i leaned up against the wall once more and looked prayerfully4 ,the ,room was black1 all things blending into one1 full of the night1 full of the unknown1 of every possible thing4 ,i dropped back into my own room4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the next day ,i saw the ,room in the simplicity of daylight4 ,i saw the dawn spread over it4 ,little by little1 it began to come out of its ruins and to rise4 ,it was arranged and furnished on the same plan as my own room4 ,opposite me was the mantelpiece with the looking-glass above4 ,on the right was the bed1 and on the left1 on the same side as the window1 a sofa1 chairs1 armchairs1 table1 wardrobe4 ,the rooms were identical1 but the history of mine was finished while the history of the other one had not yet begun4 ,after an insipid breakfast1 ,i returned to the spot that attracted me1 the hole in the partition4 ,nothing4 ,i climbed down again4 ,it was close4 ,a faint smell from the kitchen lingered even here4 ,i paused in the infinite vastness of my empty room4 ,i opened my door a little bit1 then all the way4 ,in the hall the door of each room was painted brown1 with numbers carved on brass plates4 ,all were closed4 ,i took a few steps1 which ,i alone heard--heard echoing too loudly in that house1 huge and immobile4 ,the passage was very long and narrow4 ,the wall was hung with imitation tapestry of dark green foliage1 against which shone the copper of a gas fixture4 ,i leaned over the banister4 ,a servant 7the one who waited at the table and was wearing a blue apron now1 hardly recognisable with her hair in disorder7 came skipping down from the floor above with newspapers under her arm4 ,madame ,lemercier's little girl1 with a careful hand on the banister1 was coming upstairs1 her neck thrust forward like a bird1 and ,i compared her little footsteps to fragments of passing seconds4 ,a lady and a gentleman passed in front of me1 breaking off their conversation to keep me from catching what they were saying1 as if they refused me the alms of their thoughts4 ,these trifling events disappeared like scenes of a comedy on which the curtain falls4 ,i passed the whole afternoon disheartened4 ,i felt as if ,i were alone against them all1 while roaming about inside this house and yet outside of it4 ,as ,i passed through the hallway1 a door went shut hastily1 cutting off the laugh of a woman taken by surprise4 ,a senseless noise oozed from the walls1 worse than silence4 ,from under each door a broken ray of light crept out1 worse than darkness4 ,i went downstairs to the parlour1 attracted by the sound of conversation4 ,a group of men were talking1 ,i no longer remember about what4 ,they went out1 and ,i was alone4 ,i heard them talking in the hall4 ,then their voices died away4 ,a fashionable lady came in1 with a rustle of silk and the smell of flowers and perfume4 ,she took up a lot of room because of her fragrance and elegance4 ,she carried her head held slightly forward and had a beautiful long face set off by an expression of great sweetness4 ,but ,i could not see her well1 because she did not look at me4 ,she seated herself1 picked up a book1 and turned the pages1 and the leaves cast upon her face a reflection of whiteness and thoughtfulness4 ,i watched her bosom rising and falling1 and her motionless face1 and the living book that was merged with her4 ,her complexion was so brilliant that her mouth seemed almost dark4 ,her beauty saddened me4 ,i looked at this unknown woman with sublime regret4 ,she caressed me by her presence4 ,a woman always caresses a man when she comes near him and they are alone4 ,in spite of all sorts of separation1 there is always an awful beginning of happiness between them4 ,but she went out4 ,that was the end of her4 ,nothing had happened1 and now it was over4 ,all this was too simple1 too hard1 too true4 ,a gentle despair that ,i had never experienced before troubled me4 ,since the previous day ,i had changed4 ,human life1 its living truth1 ,i knew it as we all know it4 ,i had been familiar with it all my life4 ,i believed in it with a kind of fear now that it had appeared to me in a divine form4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,i went for several days without seeing anything4 ,those days were frightfully warm4 ,at first the sky was grey and rainy4 ,now ,september was flaming to a close4 ,friday6 ,why1 ,i had been in that house a week already4 ,one sultry morning ,i sat in my room and sank into dreamy musings and thought of a fairy tale4 ,the edge of a forest4 ,in the undergrowth on the dark emerald carpet1 circles of sunlight4 ,below1 a hill rising from the plain1 and above the thick yellow and dark-green foliage1 a bit of wall and a turret as in a tapestry4 ,a page advanced dressed like a bird4 ,a buzzing4 ,it was the sound of the royal chase in the distance4 ,unusually pleasant things were going to happen4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the next afternoon was also hot and sunny4 ,i remembered similar afternoons1 years before and the present seemed to be that past1 as if the glowing heat had effaced time and had stifled all other days beneath its brooding wings4 ,the room next to mine was almost dark4 ,they had closed the shutters4 ,through the double curtains made out of some thin material ,i saw the window streaked with shining bars1 like the grating in front of a fire4 ,in the torrid silence of the house1 in the large slumber it enclosed1 bursts of laughter mounted and broke1 voices died away1 as they had the day before and as they always would4 ,from out of these remoter sounds emerged the distinct sound of footsteps1 coming nearer and nearer4 ,i propped myself up against the wall and looked4 ,the door of the ,room opened1 as if pushed in by the flood of light that streamed through it1 and two tiny shadows appeared1 engulfed in the brightness4 ,they acted as though they were being pursued4 ,they hesitated on the threshold1 the doorway making a frame around those little creatures4 ,and then they entered4 ,the door closed4 ,the ,room was now alive4 ,i scrutinised the newcomers4 ,i saw them indistinctly through the dark red and green spots dancing in front of my eyes1 which had been dazzled by the flood of light4 ,a little boy and a little girl1 twelve or thirteen years old4 ,they sat down on the sofa1 and looked at each other in silence4 ,their faces were almost alike4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the boy murmured3 ,you see1 ,hlne1 there is no one here4 ,and a hand pointed to the uncovered bed1 and to the empty table and empty clothes-racks--the careful denudation of unoccupied rooms4 ,then the same hand began to tremble like a leaf4 ,i heard the beating of my heart4 ,the voices whispered3 ,we are alone4 ,they did not see us4 ,this is about the first time we've ever been alone together4 ,yet we have always known each other4 ,a little laugh4 ,they seemed to need solitude1 the first step to a mystery toward which they were travelling together4 ,they had fled from the others4 ,they had created for themselves the forbidden solitude4 ,but you could clearly tell that now that they had found solitude1 they did not know what else to look for4 4 4 4 4 4 ,then ,i heard one of them stammer and say sadly1 with almost a sob3 ,we love each other dearly4 ,then a tender phrase rose breathlessly1 groping for words1 timidly1 like a bird just learning to fly3 ,i'd like to love you more4 ,to see them thus bent toward each other1 in the warm shadow1 which bathed them and veiled the childishness of their features1 you would have thought them two lovers meeting4 ,two lovers6 ,that was their dream1 though they did not yet know what love meant4 ,one of them had said the first time4 ,it was the time that they felt they were alone1 although these two cousins had been living close together4 ,no doubt it was the first time that the two had sought to leave friendship and childhood behind them4 ,it was the first time that desire had come to surprise and trouble two hearts1 which until now had slept4 4 4 4 4 4 ,suddenly they stood up1 and the slender ray of sunlight1 which passed over them and fell at their feet1 revealed their figures1 lighted up their faces and hair1 so that their presence brightened the room4 ,were they going away8 ,no1 they sat down again4 ,everything fell back into shadow1 into mystery1 into truth4 ,in beholding them1 ,i felt a confused mingling of my past and the past of the world4 ,where were they8 ,everywhere1 since they existed4 ,they were on the banks of the ,nile1 the ,ganges1 or the ,cydnus1 on the banks of the eternal river of the ages4 ,they were ,daphnis and ,chlo1 under a myrtle bush1 in the ,greek sunshine1 the shimmer of leaves on their faces1 and their faces mirroring each other4 ,their vague little conversation hummed like the wings of a bee1 near the freshness of fountains and the heat that consumed the meadows1 while in the distance a chariot went by1 laden with sheaves4 ,the new world opened4 ,the panting truth was there4 ,it confused them4 ,they feared the brusque intrusion of some divinity4 ,they were happy and unhappy4 ,they nestled as close together as they could4 ,they brought to each other as much as they could4 ,but they did not suspect what it was that they were bringing4 ,they were too small1 too young4 ,they had not lived long enough4 ,each was to self a stifling secret4 ,like all human beings1 like me1 like us1 they wished for what they did not have4 ,they were beggars4 ,but they asked _/themselves_/ for charity4 ,they asked for help from their _/own_/ persons4 ,the boy1 a man already1 impoverished already by his feminine companion1 turned1 drawn towards her1 and held out his awkward arms1 without daring to look at her4 ,the girl1 a woman already1 leaned her face on the back of the sofa1 her eyes shining4 ,her cheeks were plump and rosy1 tinted and warmed by her heart4 ,the skin of her neck1 taut and satiny1 quivered4 ,half-blown and waiting1 a little voluptuous because voluptuousness already emanated from her1 she was like a rose inhaling sunlight4 ,and ,i--,i could not tear my eyes from them4 4 4 4 4 4 ,after a long silence1 he murmured3 ,shall we stop calling each other by our first names8 ,why8 ,he seemed absorbed in thought4 ,so as to begin over again1 he said at last4 ,shall we1 ,miss ,janvier8 he asked again4 ,she gave a visible start at the touch of this new manner of address1 at the word ,miss1 as if it were a kind of embrace4 ,why1 ,mr4 ,lecoq1 she ventured hesitatingly1 it is as though something had covered us1 and we were removing-- ,now1 he became bolder4 ,shall we kiss each other on our mouths8 ,she was oppressed1 and could not quite smile4 ,yes1 she said4 ,they caught hold of each other's arms and shoulders and held out their lips1 as if their mouths were birds4 ,jean6 ,hlne6 came softly4 ,it was the first thing they had found out4 ,to embrace the embracer1 is it not the tiniest caress and the least sort of a bond8 ,and yet it is so sternly prohibited4 ,again they seemed to me to be without age4 ,they were like all lovers1 while they held hands1 their faces joined1 trembling and blind1 in the shadow of a kiss4 4 4 4 4 4 ,they broke off1 and disengaged themselves from their embrace1 whose meaning they had not yet learned4 ,they talked with their innocent lips4 ,about what8 ,about the past1 which was so near and so short4 ,they were leaving their paradise of childhood and ignorance4 ,they spoke of a house and a garden where they had both lived4 ,the house absorbed them4 ,it was surrounded by a garden wall1 so that from the road all you could see was the tip of the eaves1 and you couldn't tell what was going on inside of it4 ,they prattled3 ,the rooms1 when we were little and they were so big-- ,it was easier to walk there than anywhere else4 ,to hear the children talk1 you would have thought there was something benevolent and invisible1 something like the good ,god of the past1 behind those walls4 ,she hummed an air she had heard there1 and said that music was easier to remember than people4 ,they dropped back into the past easily and naturally4 ,they wrapped themselves up in their memories as though they were cold4 ,the other day1 just before we left1 ,i took a candle and walked alone through the rooms1 which scarcely woke up to watch me pass4 ,in the garden1 so prim and well kept1 they thought only of the flowers1 and little else4 ,they saw the pool1 the shady walk1 and the cherry tree1 which1 in winter when the lawn was white1 they made believe had too many blossoms--snow blossoms4 ,the day before they had still been in the garden1 like brother and sister4 ,now life seemed to have grown serious all at once1 and they no longer knew how to play4 ,i saw that they wanted to kill the past4 ,when we are old1 we let it die2 when we are young and strong1 we kill it4 ,she sat up straight4 ,i don't want to remember any more1 she said4 ,and he3 ,i don't want us to be like each other any more4 ,i don't want us to be brother and sister any more4 ,gradually their eyes opened4 ,to touch nothing but each other's hands1 he muttered1 trembling4 ,brother--sister--that's nothing4 ,it had come--the hour of beautiful1 troubled decisions1 of forbidden fruits4 ,they had not belonged to each other before4 ,the hour had come when they sought to be all in all to each other4 ,they were a little self-conscious1 a little ashamed of themselves already4 ,a few days before1 in the evening1 it had given them profound pleasure to disobey their parents and go out of the garden although they had been forbidden to leave it4 ,grandmother came to the top of the steps and called to us to come in4 ,but we were gone4 ,we had slipped through the hole in the hedge where a bird always sang4 ,there was no wind1 and scarcely any light4 ,even the trees didn't stir4 ,the dust on the ground was dead4 ,the shadows stole round us so softly that we almost spoke to them4 ,we were frightened to see night coming on4 ,everything had lost its colour4 ,but the night was clear1 and the flowers1 the road1 even the wheat were silver4 ,and it was then that my mouth came closest to your mouth4 ,the night1 she said1 her soul carried aloft on a wave of beauty1 the night caresses the caresses4 ,i took your hand1 and ,i knew that you would live life whole4 ,when ,i used to say ',hlne1' ,i did not know what ,i was saying4 ,now1 when ,i shall say 'she1' it will be everything4 ,once more their lips joined4 ,their mouths and their eyes were those of ,adam and ,eve4 ,i recalled the ancestral lesson from which sacred history and human history flow as from a fountain4 ,they wandered in the penetrating light of paradise without knowledge4 ,they were as if they did not exist4 ,when--through triumphant curiosity1 though forbidden by ,god himself--they learned the secret1 the sky was darkened4 ,the certainty of a future of sorrow had fallen upon them4 ,angels pursued them like vultures4 ,they grovelled on the ground from day to day1 but they had created love1 they had replaced divine riches by the poverty of belonging to each other4 ,the two little children had taken their parts in the eternal drama4 ,by talking to each other as they did they had restored to their first names their full significance4 ,i should like to love you more4 ,i should like to love you harder4 ,how could ,i8 4 4 4 4 4 ,they said no more1 as though there were no more words for them4 ,they were completely absorbed in themselves1 and their hands trembled4 ,then they rose1 and as they did so1 the door opened4 ,there stood the old stooping grandmother4 ,she came out of the grey1 out of the realm of phantoms1 out of the past4 ,she was looking for them as if they had gone astray4 ,she called them in a low voice4 ,she put into her tone a great gentleness1 almost sadness1 strangely harmonising with the children's presence4 ,you are here1 children8 she said1 with a kind little laugh4 ,what are you doing here8 ,come1 they are looking for you4 ,she was old and faded1 but she was angelic1 with her gown fastened up to her neck4 ,beside these two1 who were preparing for the large life1 she was1 thenceforth1 like a child1 inactive1 useless4 ,they rushed into her arms1 and pressed their foreheads against her saintly mouth4 ,they seemed to be saying good-by to her forever4 4 4 4 4 4 ,she went out4 ,and a moment afterwards they followed her1 hastily1 as they had come1 united now by an invisible and sublime bond4 ,on the threshold1 they looked at each other once more4 ,and now that the room was empty like a deserted sanctuary1 ,i thought of their glance1 their first glance of love1 which ,i had seen4 ,no one before me had ever seen a first glance of love4 ,i was beside them1 but1 far away4 ,i understood and read it without being part of the infatuation myself1 without being lost in the sensation4 ,that is why ,i saw that glance4 ,they did not know when it began1 they did not know that it was the first4 ,afterwards they would forget4 ,the urgent flowering of their hearts would destroy those preludes4 ,we can no more know our first glance of love than our last4 ,i shall remember it when they will have forgotten it4 ,i do not recall my own first glance of love1 my own first gift of love4 ,yet it happened4 ,those divine simplicities are erased from my heart4 ,good ,god1 then what do ,i retain that is of value8 ,the little boy that ,i was is dead forever1 before my eyes4 ,i survived him1 but forgetfulness tormented me1 then overcame me1 the sad process of living ruined me1 and ,i scarcely know what he knew4 ,i remember things at random only1 but the most beautiful1 the sweetest memories are gone4 ,well1 this tender canticle that ,i overheard1 full of infinity and overflowing with fresh laughter1 this precious song1 ,i take and hold and cherish4 ,it pulses in my heart4 ,i have stolen1 but ,i have preserved truth4 ,,chapter ,v ,for a day1 the ,room remained vacant4 ,twice ,i had high hopes1 then disillusionment4 ,waiting had become a habit1 an occupation4 ,i put off appointments1 delayed my walks1 gained time at the risk of losing my position4 ,i arranged my life as for a new love4 ,i left my room only to go down to dinner1 where nothing interested me any more4 ,the second day1 ,i noticed that the ,room was ready to receive a new occupant4 ,it was waiting4 ,i had a thousand dreams of who the guest would be1 while the ,room kept its secret1 like some one thinking4 ,twilight came1 then evening1 which magnified the room but did not change it4 ,i was already in despair1 when the door opened in the darkness1 and ,i saw on the threshold the shadow of a man4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he was scarcely to be distinguished in the evening light4 ,dark clothing1 milky white cuffs from which his grey tapering hands hung down2 a collar a little whiter than the rest4 ,in his round greyish face ,i could see the dusky hollows of his eyes and mouth1 under the chin a cavity of shadow4 ,the yellow of his forehead shone unclearly4 ,his cheekbone made an obscure bar in the dusk4 ,you would have called him a skeleton4 ,what was this being whose physiognomy was so monstrously simple8 ,he came nearer1 and his face kindled1 assumed life4 ,i saw that he was handsome4 ,he had a charming serious face1 fringed with a fine black beard1 a high forehead and sparkling eyes4 ,a haughty grace guided and refined his movements4 ,he came forward a step or two1 then returned to the door1 which was still open4 ,the shadow of the door trembled1 a silhouette appeared and took shape4 ,a little black-gloved hand grasped the knob1 and a woman stole into the room1 with a questioning face4 ,she must have been a few steps behind him in the street4 ,they had not wished to enter the room together1 in which they both sought refuge to escape pursuit4 ,she closed the door1 and leaned her whole weight against it1 to close it still tighter4 ,slowly she turned her head to him1 paralysed for a moment1 it seemed to me1 with fear that it was not he4 ,they stared into each other's faces4 ,a cry burst from them1 passionate1 restrained1 almost mute1 echoing from one to the other4 ,it seemed to open up their wound4 ,you6 ,you6 ,she almost fainted4 ,she dropped on his breast as though swept by a storm4 ,she had just strength enough to fall into his arms4 ,i saw the man's two large pale hands1 opened but slightly crooked1 resting on the woman's back4 ,a sort of desperate palpitation seized them1 as if an immense angel were in the ,room1 struggling and making vain efforts to escape4 ,and it seemed to me that the ,room was too small for this couple1 although it was full of the evening4 ,they didn't see us6 ,it was the same phrase which had come the other day from the two children4 ,he said1 ,come6 leading her over to the sofa1 near the window1 and they seated themselves on the red velvet4 ,i saw their arms joined together as though by a cord4 ,they remained there1 engrossed1 gathering about them all the shadow of the world1 reviving1 beginning to live again in their element of night and solitude4 ,what an entry1 what an entry6 ,what an irruption of anathema6 ,i had thought1 when this form of sin presented itself before me1 when the woman appeared at the door1 plainly driven toward him1 that ,i should witness bliss in its plenitude1 a savage and animal joy1 as momentous as nature4 ,on the contrary1 ,i found that this meeting was like a heart-rending farewell4 ,then we shall always be afraid8 ,she seemed just a little more tranquil1 and said this with an anxious glance at him1 as if really expecting a reply4 ,she shuddered1 huddled in the shadows1 feverishly stroking and pressing the man's hand1 sitting upright1 stiffly4 ,i saw her throat rising and falling like the sea4 ,they stayed there1 touching one another2 but a lingering terror mingled with their caresses4 ,always afraid--always afraid1 always4 ,far from the street1 far from the sun1 far from everything4 ,i who had so much wanted full daylight and sunlight6 she said1 looking at the sky4 ,they were afraid4 ,fear moulded them1 burrowed into their hearts4 ,their eyes1 their hearts were afraid4 ,above all1 their love was afraid4 ,a mournful smile glided across the man's face4 ,he looked at his friend and murmured3 ,you are thinking of _/him4_/ ,she was sitting with her cheeks in her hands and her elbows on her knees and her face thrust forward4 ,she did not reply4 ,she _/was_/ thinking of him4 ,doubled up1 small as a child1 she gazed intently into the distance1 at the man who was not there4 ,she bowed to this image like a suppliant1 and felt a divine reflection from it falling upon her--from the man who was not there1 who was being deceived1 from the offended man1 the wounded man1 from the master1 from him who was everywhere except where they were1 who occupied the immense outside1 and whose name made them bow their heads1 the man to whom they were a prey4 ,night fell1 as if shame and terror were in its shadows1 over this man and woman1 who had come to hide their embraces in this room1 as in a tomb where dwells the ,beyond4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he said to her3 ,i love you6 ,i distinctly heard those grand words4 ,i love you6 ,i shuddered to the depths of my being on hearing the profound words which came from those two human beings4 ,i love you6 ,the words which offer body and soul1 the great open cry of the creature and the creation4 ,i love you6 ,i beheld love face to face4 ,then it seemed to me that sincerity vanished in the hasty incoherent things he next said while clasping her to him4 ,it was as though he had a set speech to make and was in a hurry to get through with it4 ,you and ,i were born for each other4 ,there is a kinship in our souls which must triumph4 ,it was no more possible to prevent us from meeting and belonging to each other than to prevent our lips from uniting when they came together4 ,what do moral conventions or social barriers matter to us8 ,our love is made of infinity and eternity4 ,yes1 she said1 lulled by his voice4 ,but ,i knew he was lying or was letting his words run away with him4 ,love had become an idol1 a thing4 ,he was blaspheming1 he was invoking infinity and eternity in vain1 paying lip service to it by daily prayer that had become perfunctory4 ,they let the banality drop4 ,the woman remained pensive for a while1 then she shook her head and she--_/she_/ pronounced the word of excuse1 of glorification2 more than that1 the word of truth3 ,i was so unhappy6 4 4 4 4 4 ,how long ago it was6 she began4 ,it was her work of art1 her poem and her prayer1 to repeat this story1 low and precipitately1 as if she were in the confessional4 ,you felt that she came to it quite naturally1 without transition1 so completely did it possess her whenever they were alone4 ,she was simply dressed4 ,she had removed her black gloves and her coat and hat4 ,she wore a dark skirt and a red waist upon which a thin gold chain was hanging4 ,she was a woman of thirty1 perhaps1 with regular features and smooth silken hair4 ,it seemed to me that ,i knew her1 but could not place her4 ,she began to speak of herself quite loudly1 and tell of her past which had been so hard4 ,what a life ,i led6 ,what monotony1 what emptiness6 ,the little town1 our house1 the drawing-room with the furniture always arranged just so1 their places never changed1 like tombstones4 ,one day ,i tried to put the table that stood in the centre in another place4 ,i could not do it4 ,her face paled1 grew more luminous4 ,he listened to her4 ,a smile of patience and resignation1 which soon was like a pained expression of weariness1 crept across his handsome face4 ,yes1 he was really handsome1 though a little disconcerting1 with his large eyes1 which women must have adored1 his drooping moustache1 his tender1 distant air4 ,he seemed to be one of those gentle people who think too much and do evil4 ,you would have said that he was above everything and capable of everything4 ,listening to her with a certain remoteness1 but stirred by desire for her1 he had the air of waiting4 ,and suddenly the veil fell from my eyes1 and reality lay stripped before me4 ,i saw that between these two people there was an immense difference1 like an infinite discord1 sublime to behold because of its depths1 but so painful that it bruised my heart4 _/,he_/ was moved only by his longing for her2 _/she1_/ by her need of escaping from her ordinary life4 ,their desires were not the same4 ,they seemed united1 but they dwelt far apart4 ,they did not talk the same language4 ,when they spoke of the same things1 they scarcely understood each other1 and to my eyes1 from the very first1 their union appeared to be broken more than if they had never known each other4 ,but he did not say what was really in his mind4 ,you felt it in the sound of his voice1 the very charm of his intonation1 his lyrical choice of words4 ,he thought to please her1 and he lied4 ,he was evidently her superior1 but she dominated him by a kind of inspired sincerity4 ,while he was master of his words1 she offered her whole self in her words4 ,she described her former life4 ,from the windows in my room and the dining-room1 ,i could look out on the square4 ,the fountain in the centre1 with its shadow at its base4 ,i watched the day go round there1 on that little1 white1 round place1 like a sundial4 ,the postman crossed it regularly1 without thinking4 ,at the arsenal gate stood a soldier doing nothing4 ,nobody else ever came there4 ,when noon rang like a knell1 still no one4 ,what ,i remember best of all was the way noon rang like a knell--the middle of the day1 absolute ennui4 ,nothing ever happened to me1 nothing ever would happen to me4 ,there was nothing for me4 ,the future no longer existed for me4 ,if my days were to go on like that1 nothing would separate me from my death-- nothing6 ,not a thing6 ,to be bored is to die6 ,my life was dead1 and yet ,i had to live4 ,it was suicide4 ,others killed themselves with poison or with a revolver4 ,i killed myself with minutes and hours4 ,amy6 said the man4 ,then1 by dint of seeing the days born in the morning and miscarrying in the evening1 ,i became afraid to die1 and this fear was my first passion4 ,often1 in the middle of a visit ,i was paying1 or in the night1 or when ,i came home after a walk1 the length of the convent wall1 ,i shuddered with hope because of this passion4 ,but who would free me from it8 ,who would save me from this invisible shipwreck1 which ,i perceived only from time to time8 ,around me was a sort of conspiracy1 composed of envy1 meanness and indifference4 ,whatever ,i saw1 whatever ,i heard1 tended to throw me back into the narrow road1 that stupid narrow road along which ,i was going4 ,madame ,martet1 the one friend with whom ,i was a little bit intimate1 you know1 only two years older than ,i am1 told me that ,i must be content with what ,i had4 ,i replied1 ',then1 that is the end of everything1 if ,i must be content with what ,i have4 ,do you really believe what you say8' ,she said she did4 ,oh1 the horrid woman6 ,but it was not enough to be afraid4 ,i had to hate my ennui4 ,how did ,i come to hate it8 ,i do not know4 ,i no longer knew myself4 ,i no longer was myself4 ,i had such need of something else4 ,in fact1 ,i did not know my own name any more4 ,one day1 ,i remember 7although ,i am not wicked7 ,i had a happy dream that my husband was dead1 my poor husband who had done nothing to me1 and that ,i was free1 free1 as large as the world6 ,it could not last4 ,i couldn't go on forever hating monotony so much4 ,oh1 that emptiness1 that monotony6 ,of all the gloomy things in the world monotony is the darkest1 the gloomiest4 ,in comparison night is day4 ,religion8 ,it is not with religion that we fill the emptiness of our days1 it is with our own life4 ,it was not with beliefs1 with ideas that ,i had to struggle1 it was with myself4 ,then ,i found the remedy6 ,she almost cried1 hoarsely1 ecstatically3 ,sin1 sin6 ,to rid myself of boredom by committing a crime1 to break up monotony by deceiving4 ,to sin in order to be a new person1 another person4 ,to hate life worse than it hated me4 ,to sin so as not to die4 ,i met you4 ,you wrote verses and books4 ,you were different from the rest4 ,your voice vibrated and gave the impression of beauty1 and above all1 you were there1 in my existence1 in front of me6 ,i had only to hold out my arms4 ,then ,i loved you with all my heart1 if you can call it love1 my poor little friend6 ,she spoke now in a low quick voice1 both oppressed and enthusiastic1 and she played with her companion's hand as if it were a child's toy4 ,and you1 too1 you loved me1 naturally4 ,and when we slipped into a hotel one evening1 the first time1 it seemed to me as if the door opened of itself1 and ,i was grateful for having rebelled and having broken my destiny4 ,and then the deceit--from which we suffer sometimes1 but which1 after reflection1 we no longer detest--the risks1 the dangers that give pleasure to each minute1 the complications that add variety to life1 these rooms1 these hiding-places1 these black prisons1 which have fled from the sunlight ,i once knew6 ,ah6 she said4 ,it seemed to me that she sighed as if1 now that her aspiration was realized1 she had nothing so beautiful to hope for any more4 4 4 4 4 4 ,she thought a moment1 and then said3 ,see what we are4 ,i too may have believed at first in a sort of thunderbolt1 a supernatural and fatal attraction1 because of your poetry4 ,but in reality ,i came to you--,i see myself now--with clenched fists and closed eyes4 ,she added3 ,we deceive ourselves a good deal about love4 ,it is almost never what they say it is4 ,there may be sublime affinities1 magnificent attractions4 ,i do not say such a love may not exist between two human beings4 ,but we are not these two4 ,we have never thought of anything but ourselves4 ,i know1 of course1 that ,i am in love with you4 ,so are you with me4 ,there is an attraction for you which does not exist for me1 since ,i do not feel any pleasure4 ,you see1 we are making a bargain4 ,you give me a dream1 ,i give you joy4 ,but all this is not love4 ,he shrugged his shoulders1 half in doubt1 half in protest4 ,he did not want to say anything4 ,all the same1 he murmured feebly3 ,even in the purest of loves we cannot escape from ourselves4 ,oh1 she said with a gesture of pious protest1 the vehemence of which surprised me1 that is not the same thing4 ,don't say that1 don't say that6 ,it seemed to me there was a vague regret in her voice and the dream of a new dream in her eyes4 ,she dispelled it with a shake of her head4 ,how happy ,i was6 ,i felt rejuvenated1 like a new being4 ,i had a sense of modesty again4 ,i remember that ,i did not dare to show the tip of my foot from under my dress4 ,i even had a feeling about my face1 my hands1 my very name4 4 4 4 4 4 ,then the man continued the confession from the point where she had left off1 and spoke of their first meetings4 ,he wished to caress her with words1 to win her over gradually with phrases and with the charm of memories4 ,the first time we were alone-- ,she looked at him4 ,it was in the street1 one evening1 he said4 ,i took your arm4 ,you leaned more and more upon my shoulder4 ,people swarmed around us1 but we seemed to be quite alone4 ,everything around us changed into absolute solitude4 ,it seemed to me that we were both walking on the waves of the sea4 ,ah6 she said4 ,how good you were6 ,that first evening your face was like what it never was afterwards1 even in our happiest moments4 ,we spoke of one thing and another1 and while ,i held you close to me1 clasped like a bunch of flowers1 you told me about people we knew1 you spoke of the sunlight that day and the coolness of the evening4 ,but really you were telling me that you were mine4 ,i felt your confession running through everything you said1 and even if you did not express it1 you actually gave me a confession of love4 ,ah1 how great things are in the beginning6 ,there is never any pettiness in the beginning4 ,once when we met in the public garden1 ,i took you back at the end of the afternoon through the suburbs4 ,the road was so peaceful and quiet that our footsteps seemed to disturb nature4 ,benumbed by emotion1 we slackened our pace4 ,i leaned over and kissed you4 ,there1 she said4 ,she put her finger on his neck4 ,gradually the kiss grew warmer4 ,it crept toward your lips and stopped there4 ,the first time it went astray1 the second time it pretended it went astray4 ,soon ,i felt against my mouth--he lowered his voice--your mouth4 ,she bowed her head1 and ,i saw her rosy mouth4 ,it was all so beautiful in the midst of the watchfulness imprisoning me1 she sighed1 ever returning to her mild1 pathetic preoccupation4 ,how she needed the stimulus of remembering her emotions1 whether consciously or not6 ,the recalling of these little dramas and former perils warmed her movements1 renewed her love4 ,that was the reason why she had had the whole story told her4 ,and he encouraged her4 ,their first enthusiasm returned1 and now they tried to evoke the most exciting memories4 ,it was sad1 the day after you became mine1 to see you again at a reception in your own home--inaccessible1 surrounded by other people1 mistress of a regular household1 friendly to everybody1 a bit timid1 talking commonplaces4 ,you bestowed the beauty of your face on everybody1 myself included4 ,but what was the use8 ,you were wearing that cool-looking green dress1 and they were teasing you about it4 ,i did not dare to look at you when you passed me1 and ,i thought of how happy we had been the day before4 ,ah1 she sighed1 as the beauty widened before her of all her memories1 her thoughts1 of all her soul1 love is not what they say it is4 ,i1 too1 was stirred with anguish4 ,how ,i had to conceal it1 dissimulating every sign of my happiness1 locking it hastily away within the coffer of my heart4 ,at first ,i was afraid to go to sleep for fear of saying your name in a dream1 and often1 fighting against the stealthy invasion of sleep1 ,i have leaned on my elbow1 and remained with wide-open eyes1 watching heroically over my heart4 ,i was afraid of being recognised4 ,i was afraid people would see the purity in which ,i was bathed4 ,yes1 purity4 ,when in the midst of life one wakes up from life1 and sees a different brilliance in the daylight1 and recreates everything1 ,i call that purity4 4 4 4 4 4 ,do you remember the day we lost our way in the cab in ,paris--the day he thought he recognised us from a distance1 and jumped into another cab to follow us8 ,she gave a start of ecstasy4 ,oh1 yes1 she murmured1 that was the great day6 ,his voice quivered as if shaken by the throbbing of his heart1 and his heart said3 ,kneeling on the seat1 you looked out of the little window in the back of the cab and cried to me1 ',he is nearer6 ,he is further off6 ,he will catch us4 ,i do not see him any more4 ,he has lost us4' ,ah6 ,and with one and the same movement their lips joined4 ,she breathed out like a sigh3 ,that was the one time ,i enjoyed4 ,we shall always be afraid1 he said4 ,these words interlaced and changed into kisses4 ,their whole life surged into their lips4 ,yes1 they had to revive their past so as to love each other1 they had constantly to be reassembling the pieces so as to keep their love from dying through staleness1 as if they were undergoing1 in darkness and in dust1 in an icy ebbing away1 the ruin of old age1 the impress of death4 ,they clasped each other4 ,they were drowned in the darkness4 ,they fell down1 down into the shadows1 into the abyss that they had willed4 ,he stammered3 ,i will love you always4 ,but she and ,i both felt that he was lying again4 ,we did not deceive ourselves4 ,but what matter1 what matter8 ,her lips on his lips1 she murmured like a thorny caress among the caresses3 ,my husband will soon be home4 ,how little they really were at one6 ,how1 actually1 there was nothing but their fear that they had in common1 and how they stirred their fear up desperately4 ,but their tremendous effort to commune somehow was soon to be over4 ,they stopped talking4 ,words had already accomplished the work of reviving their love4 ,she merely murmured3 ,i am yours1 ,i am yours4 ,i give myself to you4 ,no1 ,i do not give myself to you4 ,how can ,i give myself when ,i do not belong to myself8 ,are you happy8 she asked again4 ,i swear you are everything in the world to me4 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,now1 she felt1 their bliss had already become a mere memory1 and she said almost plaintively3 ,may ,god bless the bit of pleasure one has4 ,a doleful lament1 the first signal of a tremendous fall1 a prayer blasphemous yet divine4 ,i saw him look at the clock and at the door4 ,he was thinking of leaving4 ,he turned his face gently away from a kiss she was about to give him4 ,there was a suggestion of uneasiness1 almost disgust1 in his expression4 ,no1 she said1 you are not going to love me always4 ,you are going to leave me4 ,but ,i regret nothing4 ,i never will regret anything4 ,afterwards1 when ,i return from--_/this_/--for good1 to the great sorrow that will never leave me again1 ,i shall say1 ',i have had a lover1' and ,i shall come out from my nothingness to be happy for a moment4 ,he did not want to answer4 ,he could not answer any more4 ,he stammered3 ,why do you doubt me8 ,but they turned their eyes toward the window4 ,they were afraid1 they were cold4 ,they looked down at the space between the two houses and saw a vague remnant of twilight slip away like a ship of glory4 ,it seemed to me that the window beside them entered the scene4 ,they gazed at it1 dim1 immense1 blotting out everything around it4 ,after the brief interval of sinful passion1 they were overwhelmed as if1 looking at the stainless azure of the window1 they had seen a vision4 ,then their eyes met4 ,see1 we stay here1 she said1 looking at each other like two miserable curs4 ,they separated4 ,he seated himself on a chair1 a sorry figure in the dusk4 ,his mouth was open1 his face was contracted4 ,his eyes and his jaw were self-condemnatory4 ,you expected that in a few moments he would become emaciated1 and you would see the eternal skeleton4 ,and at last both were alike in their setting1 made so as much by their misery as by their human form4 ,the night swallowed them up4 ,i no longer saw them4 4 4 4 4 4 ,then1 where is ,god1 where is ,god8 ,why does ,he not intervene in this frightful1 regular crisis8 ,why does ,he not prevent1 by a miracle1 that fearful miracle by which one who is adored suddenly or gradually comes to be hated8 ,why does he not preserve man from having to mourn the loss of all his dreams8 ,why does he not preserve him from the distress of that sensuousness which flowers in his flesh and falls back on him again like spittle8 ,perhaps because ,i am a man like the man in the room1 like all other men1 perhaps because what is bestial engrosses my attention now1 ,i am utterly terrified by the invincible recoil of the flesh4 ,it is everything in the world1 he had said4 ,it is nothing1 he had also said1 but later4 ,the echo of those two cries lingered in my ears4 ,those two cries1 not shouted but uttered in a low scarcely audible voice1 who shall declare their grandeur and the distance between them8 ,who shall say8 ,above all1 who shall know8 ,the man who can reply must be placed1 as ,i am1 above humanity1 he must be both among and apart from human beings to see the smile turn into agony1 the joy become satiety1 and the union dissolve4 ,for when you take full part in life you do not see this1 you know nothing about it4 ,you pass blindly from one extreme to the other4 ,the man who uttered the two cries that ,i still hear1 ,everything6 and ,nothing6 had forgotten the first when he was carried away by the second4 ,who shall say8 ,i wish some one would tell4 ,what do words matter or conventions8 ,of what use is the time-honoured custom of writers of genius or mere talent to stop at the threshold of these descriptions1 as if full descriptions were forbidden8 ,the thing ought to be sung in a poem1 in a masterpiece4 ,it ought to be told down to the very bottom1 if the purpose be to show the creative force of our hopes1 of our wishes1 which1 when they burst into light1 transform the world1 overthrow reality4 ,what richer alms could you bestow on these two lovers1 when again love will die between them8 ,for this scene is not the last in their double story4 ,they will begin again1 like every human being4 ,once more they will try together1 as much as they can1 to seek shelter from life's defeats1 to find ecstasy1 to conquer death4 ,once more they will seek solace and deliverance4 ,again they will be seized by a thrill1 by the force of sin1 which clings to the flesh like a shred of flesh4 ,yet once again1 when once again they see that they put infinity into desire all in vain1 they will be punished for the grandeur of their aspiration4 ,i do not regret having surprised this simple1 terrible secret4 ,perhaps my having taken in and retained this sight in all its breadth1 my having learned that the living truth is sadder and more sublime than ,i had ever believed1 will be my sole glory4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,all was silent4 ,they were gone4 ,they had hidden elsewhere4 ,the husband was coming4 ,i gathered that from what they had said4 ,but did ,i really know what they had said8 ,i paced up and down in my room1 then dined1 as in a dream1 and went out1 lured by humanity4 ,a cafe6 ,the bright lighting beckoned to me to enter4 ,calm1 simple1 care-free people1 who have no task like mine to accomplish4 ,sitting by herself at a table1 constantly looking around1 was a girl with a painted face4 ,a full glass was set in front of her and she held a little dog on her lap4 ,his head reached over the edge of the marble table1 and he comically sued on behalf of his mistress for the glances1 even the smiles of the passersby4 ,the woman looked at me with interest4 ,she saw ,i was not waiting for anybody or anything4 ,a sign1 a word1 and she1 who was waiting for everybody1 would come over to me with a smile4 ,but no6 ,i was simpler than that4 ,if love troubled me1 it was because of a great thought and not a mere instinct4 ,it was my misfortune to have a dream greater and stronger than ,i could bear4 ,woe to those who dream of what they do not possess6 ,they are right1 but they are too right1 and so are outside of nature4 ,the simple1 the weak1 the humble pass carelessly by what is not meant for them4 ,they touch everything lightly1 without anguish4 ,but the others6 ,but ,i6 ,i wanted to take what was not mine4 ,i wanted to steal4 ,i wanted to live all lives1 to dwell in all hearts4 ,ah6 ,i saw now how ,i should be punished for having entered into the living secrets of man4 ,my punishment would fit my crime4 ,i was destined to undergo the infinite misery ,i read in the others4 ,i was to be punished by every mystery that kept its secret1 by every woman who went by4 ,infinity is not what we think4 ,we associate it with heroes of legend and romance1 and we invest fiery1 exceptional characters1 like a ,hamlet1 with infinity as with a theatrical costume4 ,but infinity resides quietly in that man who is just passing by on the street4 ,it resides in me1 just as ,i am1 with my ordinary face and name1 in me1 who want everything ,i have not4 ,and there is no reason why there should be any limits to what ,i want4 ,so1 step by step1 ,i followed the track of the infinite4 ,it made me suffer4 ,ah1 if ,i did wrong1 that great misery of mine1 the tragedy of striving for the impossible1 redeemed me4 ,but ,i do not believe in redemption4 ,i was suffering1 and doubtless ,i looked like a martyr4 ,i had to go home to fulfil my martyrdom in the whole of its wretched duration4 ,i had to go on looking4 ,i was losing time in the world outside4 ,i returned to my room1 which welcomed me like a living being4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i passed two idle days1 watching fruitlessly4 ,i took to my hasty pacing to and fro again and succeeded1 not without difficulty1 in gaining a few days of respite1 in making myself forget for a while4 ,i dwelt within these walls quiet in a feverish sort of way and inactive as a prisoner4 ,i walked up and down my room a great part of the day1 attracted by the opening in the wall and not daring to go away to a distance from it again4 ,the long hours went by1 and in the evening ,i was worn out by my indefatigable hope4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the room was in disorder4 ,amy was there with her husband4 ,they had come back from a journey4 ,i had not heard them enter4 ,i must have been too tired4 ,he had his hat on and was sitting on a chair beside the bed4 ,she was dressing4 ,i saw her disappear behind the washroom door4 ,i looked at the husband4 ,his features were regular and even seemed to show a certain nobility4 ,the line of his forehead was clear cut4 ,only his mouth and moustache were somewhat coarse4 ,he had a healthier1 stronger appearance than her lover4 ,his hand1 which was toying with a cane1 was fine1 and there was a forceful elegance about his whole personality4 ,that was the man she hated and was deceiving4 ,it was that head1 that face1 that expression which had lowered and disfigured themselves in her eyes1 and were synonymous with her unhappiness4 ,all at once she was there in full view4 ,my heart stood still and contracted and drew me toward her4 ,she had nothing on but a short1 thin chemise4 ,she had come back a bit tired out by the thousands of little nothings she had already done4 ,she had a toothbrush in her hand1 her lips were moist and red1 her hair dishevelled4 ,her legs were dainty1 and the arch of her little feet was accentuated by her high- heeled shoes4 ,the air in the closed room was heavy with a mixture of odours--soap1 face powder1 the pungent scent of cologne4 ,she went out and came back again1 warm and soapy1 drying her face4 ,this time she was all fresh and rosy4 ,he was talking about something1 with his legs stretched out a little1 sometimes looking at her1 sometimes not looking at her4 ,you know1 the ,bernards have not accepted4 ,he glanced at her1 then looked down at the carpet and gave a disappointed cluck with his tongue1 absorbed in this matter that interested him1 while she kept going and coming1 showing the lovely curves of her body4 ,she _/was_/ lovely4 ,but her husband went on droning his commonplaces1 phrases that meant nothing to her1 that were strange to her1 and that seemed blasphemous in the room which held her beauty4 ,she put her garments on1 one by one4 ,her husband continued in his bestial indifference1 and dropped back into his reflections4 ,she went to the mirror over the mantelpiece with toilet articles spread out before her4 ,probably the mirror in the washroom was too small4 ,while keeping on with her toilet1 she spoke as if to herself in a gay1 animated1 chatty way1 because it was still the springtime of the day4 ,she gave herself careful attention and took much time to groom herself4 ,but this was an important matter1 and the time was not lost4 ,besides1 she was really hurrying4 ,now she went to a wardrobe and took out a light dress of delicate texture1 which she held out in her arms carefully4 ,she started to put the dress on1 then an idea suddenly occurred to her and she stopped4 ,no1 no1 no1 decidedly not1 she said4 ,she put the dress back and looked for another one1 a dark skirt and a blouse4 ,she took a hat1 fluffed the ribbon a bit1 then held the trimming of roses close to her face in front of the mirror4 ,then she began to sing1 evidently satisfied4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he did not look at her1 and when he did look at her1 he did not see her4 ,it was a solemn spectacle1 a drama1 but a drama dismal and depressing4 ,that man was not happy1 and yet ,i envied him his happiness4 ,how explain this except by the fact that happiness is within us1 within each of us1 and is the desire for what we do not possess8 ,these two were together1 but in reality far apart4 ,they had left each other without leaving each other4 ,a sort of intrigue about nothing held them together4 ,they would never come nearer again1 for between them lay the impassable barrier of love over and done with4 ,this silence and this mutual ignorance are the cruelest things in the world4 ,to cease to love is worse than to hate1 for say what you will1 death is worse than suffering4 ,i am sorry for the men and women who go through life together in the chains of indifference4 ,i am sorry for the poor heart that has what it has for so short a time4 ,i am sorry for the men who have the heart not to love any more4 ,and for a moment1 seeing this simple harrowing scene1 ,i underwent a little of the enormous suffering of those innumerable people who suffer all4 4 4 4 4 4 ,amy finished dressing4 ,she put on a coat to match her skirt1 leaving it partly open to show her transparent flesh-coloured lingerie waist4 ,then she left us--her husband and me4 ,he1 too1 made ready to leave1 but the door opened again4 ,was it ,amy coming back8 ,no1 it was the maid1 who1 seeing the room was occupied1 started to withdraw4 ,excuse me1 sir4 ,i came to put the room in order1 but ,i don't want to disturb you4 ,you may stay4 ,she began to pick things up and close drawers4 ,he raised his head and looked at her out of the corner of his eye4 ,then he rose and went over to her awkwardly1 as though fascinated4 ,a scuffling and an outcry1 stifled by a coarse laugh4 ,she dropped her brush and the gown she was holding4 ,he caught her from behind and put his arms around her waist4 ,oh1 go on6 ,stop6 ,what-che doing8 ,he did not say anything1 but pressed her closer to him4 ,she laughed4 ,her hair came partly undone and fell down over her blowsy face4 ,he trod on ,amy's gown1 which had dropped from the girl's hand4 ,then she felt the thing had gone far enough4 ,now1 that'll do1 that'll do1 she said4 ,since he still said nothing and brought his jaw close to her neck1 she got angry4 ,i told you1 that'll do4 ,stop1 ,i say4 ,what's the matter with you8 ,at length he let her go1 and left1 laughing a devilish laugh of shame and cynicism4 ,he went out1 his passion still seething4 ,but it was not only the overwhelming instinct that was stirring in him4 ,a moment before that exquisite woman had unfolded herself in his presence in all her exquisite beauty1 and he had not desired her4 ,perhaps she denied herself to him4 ,perhaps they had an agreement with each other4 ,but ,i plainly saw that even his eyes did not care1 those same eyes which kindled at the sight of the servant girl1 that ignoble ,venus with untidy hair and dirty finger nails4 ,because he did not know her1 because she was different from the one whom he knew4 ,to have what one has not4 ,so1 strange as it may seem1 it was an idea1 a lofty1 eternal idea that guided his instinct4 ,i understood--,i to whom it was given to behold these human crises--,i understood that many things which we place outside ourselves are really inside ourselves1 and that this was the secret4 ,how the veils drop off6 ,how the intricacies unravel1 and simplicity appears6 4 4 4 4 4 ,one dark stormy night two women came and occupied the ,room4 ,i could not see them and caught only fragments of their strange1 whispered talk of love4 ,from that time on the meals of the boarding-house had a magic attraction for me4 ,i studied all the faces1 trying to identify those two beings4 ,but ,i questioned pairs of faces in vain4 ,i made efforts to detect resemblances4 ,there was nothing to guide me4 ,i knew them no more than if they had been buried in the dark night outside4 ,there were five girls or young women in the dining-room4 ,one of them1 at least1 must have been an occupant of the ,room that night4 ,but a stronger will than mine shut off her countenance4 ,i did not know1 and ,i was overwhelmed by the nothingness of what ,i saw4 ,they left1 one at a time4 ,i did not know4 ,my hands twitched in the infinity of uncertainty1 and my fingers pressed the void4 ,my face was there1 my face1 which was a definite thing1 confronting everything possible1 everything indefinite4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the lady there6 ,i recognised ,amy4 ,she was talking to the landlady beside the window4 ,i did not notice her at first1 because of the other boarders between us4 ,she was eating grapes1 daintily1 with a rather studied manner4 ,i turned towards her4 ,her name was ,madame ,montgeron or ,montgerot4 ,it sounded funny to me4 ,why did she have that name8 ,it seemed not to suit her1 or to be useless4 ,it struck me how artificial words and signs are4 ,the meal was over4 ,almost everybody had gone out4 ,coffee cups and sticky little liqueur glasses were scattered on the table on which a sunbeam shone1 mottling the tablecloth and making the glasses sparkle4 ,a coffee stain had dried on the cloth and gave out fragrance4 ,i joined in the conversation between ,amy and ,madame ,lemercier4 ,she looked at me4 ,i scarcely recognised her look1 which ,i had seen so clearly before4 ,the man-servant came in and whispered a few words to ,madame ,lemercier4 ,she rose1 excused herself1 and went out of the room4 ,i was left with ,amy4 ,there were only two or three people in the dining-room1 who were discussing what they were going to do in the afternoon4 ,i did not know what to say to her4 ,the conversation flagged and died out4 ,she must have thought that she did not interest me--this woman1 whose heart ,i had seen1 and whose destiny ,i knew as well as ,god ,himself4 ,she reached for a newspaper lying on the table1 read a line or two1 then folded it1 rose and also left the room4 ,sickened by the commonplaceness of life and dull from the heaviness of the after-lunch hour1 ,i leaned drowsily on the long1 long table1 the sunlit table disappearing into infinity1 and ,i made an effort to keep my arms from giving way1 my chin from dropping1 and my eyes from closing4 ,and in that disorderly room1 where the servants were already hastening quietly to clear the table and make ready for the evening meal1 ,i lingered almost alone1 not knowing whether ,i was happy or unhappy1 not knowing what was real and what was supernatural4 ,then ,i understood4 ,it came upon me softly1 heavily4 ,i looked around at all those simple1 peaceful things4 ,then ,i closed my eyes1 and said to myself1 like a seer who gradually becomes conscious of the nature of the revelation he has seen1 ,the infinite--why1 this is the infinite4 ,it is true4 ,i can no longer doubt4 ,it came upon me with force that there is nothing strange on earth1 that the supernatural does not exist1 or1 rather1 that it is everywhere4 ,it is in reality1 in simplicity1 in peace4 ,it is here1 inside these walls4 ,the real and the supernatural are one and the same4 ,there can no more be mystery in life than there can be a fourth dimension4 ,i1 like other men1 am moulded out of infinity4 ,but how confused it all was to me6 ,and ,i dreamed of myself1 who could neither know myself well nor rid me of myself--myself who was like a deep shadow between my heart and the sun4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,the same background1 the same half-light tarnishing them as when ,i first saw them together4 ,amy and her lover were seated beside each other1 not far from me4 ,they seemed to have been talking for some time already4 ,she was sitting behind him1 on the sofa1 concealed by the shadow of the evening and the shadow of the man4 ,he was bending over1 pale and vaguely outlined1 with his hands on his knees4 ,the night was still cloaked in the grey silken softness of evening4 ,soon it would cast off this mantle and appear in all its bare darkness4 ,it was coming on them like an incurable illness4 ,they seemed to have a presentiment of it and sought refuge from the fatal shadows in talking and thinking of other things4 ,they talked apathetically about this and that4 ,i heard the names of places and people4 ,they mentioned a railway station1 a public walk1 a florist4 ,all at once she stopped and hid her face in her hands4 ,he took her wrists1 with a sad slowness that showed how much he was used to these spells1 and spoke to her without knowing what to say1 stammering and drawing as close as he could to her4 ,why are you crying8 ,tell me why you are crying4 ,she did not answer4 ,then she took her hands away from her eyes and looked at him4 ,why8 ,do ,i know8 ,tears are not words4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i watched her cry--drown herself in a flood of tears4 ,it is a great thing to be in the presence of a rational being who cries4 ,a weak1 broken creature shedding tears makes the same impression as an all- powerful god to whom one prays4 ,in her weakness and defeat ,amy was above human power4 ,a kind of superstitious admiration seized me before this woman's face bathed from an inexhaustible source1 this face sincere and truthful4 4 4 4 4 4 ,she stopped crying and lifted her head4 ,without his questioning her again she said3 ,i am crying because one is alone4 ,one cannot get away from one's self4 ,one cannot even confess anything4 ,one is alone4 ,and then everything passes1 everything changes1 everything takes flight1 and as soon as everything takes flight one is alone4 ,there are times when ,i see this better than at other times4 ,and then ,i cannot help crying4 ,she was getting sadder and sadder1 but then she had a little access of pride1 and ,i saw a smile gently stir her veil of melancholy4 ,i am more sensitive than other people4 ,things that other people would not notice awaken a distinct echo in me1 and in such moments of lucidity1 when ,i look at myself1 ,i see that ,i am alone1 all alone1 all alone4 ,disturbed to see her growing distress1 he tried to raise her spirits4 ,we cannot say that1 we who have reshaped our destiny4 ,you1 who have achieved a great act of will-- ,but what he said was borne away like chaff4 ,what good was it8 ,everything is useless4 ,in spite of what ,i have tried to do1 ,i am alone4 ,my sin cannot change the face of things4 ,it is not by sin that we attain happiness1 nor is it by virtue1 nor is it by that kind of divine fire by which one makes great instinctive decisions and which is neither good nor evil4 ,it is by none of these things that one reaches happiness4 ,one _/never_/ reaches happiness4 ,she paused1 and said1 as if she felt her fate recoiling upon her3 ,yes1 ,i know ,i have done wrong1 that those who love me most would detest me if they knew4 ,my mother1 if she knew--she who is so indulgent--would be so unhappy4 ,i know that our love exists with the reprobation of all that is wise and just and is condemned by my mother's tears4 ,but what's the use of being ashamed any more8 ,mother1 if you knew1 you would have pity on my happiness4 ,you are naughty1 he murmured feebly4 ,she stroked the man's forehead lightly1 and said in a tone of extraordinary assurance3 ,you know ,i don't deserve to be called naughty4 ,you know what ,i am saying is above a personal application4 ,you know better than ,i do that one is alone4 ,one day when ,i was speaking about the joy of living and you were as sad as ,i am to-day1 you looked at me1 and said you did not know what ,i was thinking1 in spite of my explanations4 ,you showed me that love is only a kind of festival of solitude1 and holding me in your arms1 you ended by exclaiming1 ',our love--,i am our love1' and ,i gave the inevitable answer1 alas1 ',our love--,i am our love4' ,he wanted to speak1 but she checked him4 ,stop6 ,take me1 squeeze my hands1 hold me close1 give me a long1 long kiss1 do with me what you want--just to bring yourself close to me1 close to me6 ,and tell me that you are suffering4 ,why1 don't you feel _/my_/ grief8 ,he said nothing1 and in the twilight shroud that wrapped them round1 ,i saw his head make the needless gesture of denial4 ,i saw all the misery emanating from these two1 who for once by chance in the shadows did not know how to lie any more4 ,it was true that they were there together1 and yet there was nothing to unite them4 ,there was a void between them4 ,say what you will1 do what you will1 revolt1 break into a passion1 dispute1 threaten--in vain4 ,isolation will conquer you4 ,i saw there was nothing to unite them1 nothing4 ,she kept on in the same strain4 ,he seemed to be used to these sad monologues1 uttered in the same tone1 tremendous invocations to the impossible4 ,he did not answer any more4 ,he held her in his arms1 rocked her quietly1 and caressed her with delicate tenderness4 ,he treated her as if she were a sick child he was nursing1 without telling her what was the matter4 ,but he was disturbed by her contact4 ,even when prostrate and desolate1 she quivered warm in his arms4 ,he coveted this prey even though wounded4 ,i saw his eyes fixed on her1 while she gave herself up freely to her sadness4 ,he pressed his body against hers4 ,it was she whom he wanted4 ,her words he threw aside4 ,he did not care for them4 ,they did not caress him4 ,it was she whom he wanted1 she6 ,separation6 ,they were very much alike in ideas and temperament1 and just then they were helping each other as much as they could4 ,but ,i saw clearly--,i who was a spectator apart from men and whose gaze soared above them--that they were strangers1 and that in spite of all appearances they did not see nor hear each other any more4 ,they conversed as best they could1 but neither could yield to the other1 and each tried to conquer the other4 ,and this terrible battle broke my heart4 4 4 4 4 4 ,she understood his desire4 ,she said plaintively1 like a child at fault3 ,i am not feeling well4 ,then1 in a sudden change of mood1 she gave herself up to love1 offering her whole self with her wounded woman's heart4 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,they rose and shook off the dream that had cast them to the ground4 ,he was as dejected as she4 ,i bent over to catch what he was saying4 ,if ,i had only known6 he breathed in a whisper4 ,prostrated but more distrustful of each other with a crime between them1 they went slowly over to the grey window1 cleansed by a streak of twilight4 ,how much they were like themselves on the other evening4 ,it _/was_/ the other evening4 ,never had the impression been borne in upon me so strongly that actions are vain and pass like phantoms4 ,the man was seized with a trembling4 ,and1 vanquished1 despoiled of all his pride1 of all his masculine reserve1 he no longer had the strength to keep back the avowal of shamed regret4 ,one can't master one's self1 he stammered1 hanging his head4 ,it is fate4 ,they caught hold of each other's hands1 shuddered slightly1 panting1 dispirited1 tormented by their hearts4 4 4 4 4 4 ,fate6 ,in so speaking they saw further than the flesh4 ,in their remorse and disgust it was not mere physical disillusionment that so crushed them4 ,they saw further4 ,they were overcome by an impression of bleak truth1 of aridity1 of growing nothingness1 at the thought that they had so many times grasped1 rejected1 and vainly grasped again their frail carnal ideal4 ,they felt that everything was fleeting1 that everything wore out1 that everything that was not dead would die1 and that even the illusory ties holding them together would not endure4 ,their sadness did not bring them together4 ,on the contrary1 they were separated by all the force of their two sorrows4 ,to suffer together1 alas1 what disunion6 ,and the condemnation of love itself came from her1 in a cry of agony3 ,oh1 our great1 our immense love6 ,i feel that little by little ,i am recovering from it6 4 4 4 4 4 ,she threw back her head1 and raised her eyes4 ,oh1 the first time6 she said4 ,she went on1 while both of them saw that first time when their hands had found each other4 ,i knew that some day all that emotion would die1 and1 in spite of our promises1 ,i wanted time to stand still4 ,but time did not stand still1 and now we scarcely love each other4 ,he made a gesture as of denial4 ,it is not only you1 my dear1 who are drifting away1 she continued4 ,i am1 too4 ,at first ,i thought it was only you4 ,but then ,i understood my poor heart and realised that in spite of you1 ,i could do nothing against time4 ,she went on slowly1 now with her eyes turned away1 now looking at him4 ,alas1 some day1 ,i may say to you1 ',i no longer love you4' ,alas1 alas1 some day ,i may say to you1 ',i have never loved you6' ,this is the wound--time1 which passes and changes us4 ,the separation of human beings that deceive themselves is nothing in comparison4 ,one can live even so4 ,but the passage of time6 ,to grow old1 to think differently1 to die4 ,i am growing old and ,i am dying1 ,i4 ,it has taken me a long time to understand it4 ,i am growing old4 ,i _/am_/ not old1 but ,i am growing old4 ,i have a few grey hairs already4 ,the first grey hair1 what a blow6 ,oh1 this blotting out of the colour of your hair4 ,it gives you the feeling of being covered with your shroud1 of dry bones1 and tombstones4 ,she rose and cried out into the void3 ,oh1 to escape the network of wrinkles6 4 4 4 4 4 ,she continued3 ,i said to myself1 ',by slow degrees you will get there4 ,your skin will wither4 ,your eyes1 which smile even in repose1 will always be watering4 ,your breasts will shrink and hang on your skeleton like loose rags4 ,your lower jaw will sag from the tiredness of living4 ,you will be in a constant shiver of cold1 and your appearance will be cadaverous4 ,your voice will be cracked1 and people who now find it charming to listen to you will be repelled4 ,the dress that hides you too much now from men's eyes will not sufficiently hide your monstrous nudity1 and people will turn their eyes away and not even dare to think of you4' ,she choked and put her hands to her mouth1 overcome by the truth1 as if she had too much to say4 ,it was magnificent and terrifying4 ,he caught her in his arms1 in dismay4 ,but she was as in a delirium1 transported by a universal grief4 ,you would have thought that this funereal truth had just come to her like a sudden piece of bad news4 ,i love you1 but ,i love the past even more4 ,i long for it1 ,i long for it1 ,i am consumed with longing for it4 ,the past6 ,i shall cry1 ,i shall suffer because the past will never come back again4 ,but love the past as much as you will1 it will never come back4 ,death is everywhere1 in the ugliness of what has been too long beautiful1 in the tarnishing of what has been clean and pure1 in the forgetfulness of what is long past1 in daily habits1 which are the forgetfulness of what is near4 ,we catch only glimpses of life4 ,death is the one thing we really have time to see4 ,death is the only palpable thing4 ,of what use is it to be beautiful and chaste8 ,they will walk over our graves just the same4 ,a day is coming when ,i shall be no more4 ,i am crying because ,i shall surely die4 ,there is an invincible nothingness in everything and everybody4 ,so when one thinks of that1 dear1 one smiles and forgives4 ,one does not bear grudges4 ,but goodness won in that way is worse than anything else4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he bent over and kissed her hands4 ,he enveloped her in a warm1 respectful silence1 but1 as always1 ,i felt he was master of himself4 ,i have always thought of death1 she continued in a changed voice4 ,one day ,i confessed to my husband how it haunted me4 ,he launched out furiously4 ,he told me ,i was a neurasthenic and that he must look after me4 ,he made me promise to be like himself and never think of such things1 to be healthy and well-balanced1 as he was4 ,that was not true4 ,it was he who suffered from the disease of tranquillity and indifference1 a paralysis1 a grey malady1 and his blindness was an infirmity1 and his peace was that of a dog who lives for the sake of living1 of a beast with a human face4 ,what was ,i to do8 ,pray8 ,no4 ,that eternal dialogue in which you are always alone is crushing4 ,throw yourself into some occupation8 ,work8 ,no use4 ,doesn't work always have to be done over again8 ,have children and bring them up8 ,that makes you feel both that you are done and finished and that you are beginning over again to no purpose4 ,however1 who knows8 ,it was the first time that she softened4 ,i have not been given the chance to practise the devotion1 the submission1 the humiliation of a mother4 ,perhaps that would have guided me in life4 ,i was denied a little child4 ,for a moment1 lowering her eyes1 letting her hands fall1 yielding to the maternal impulse1 she only thought of loving and regretting the child that had not been vouchsafed to her--without perceiving that if she considered it her only possible salvation1 it was because she did not have it4 ,charity8 ,they say that it makes us forget everything4 ,oh1 yes1 to go distributing alms on the snowy streets1 in a great fur cloak1 she murmured and made a tired gesture1 while the lover and ,i felt the shiver of the cold rainy evening and of all the winters past and yet to come4 ,all that is diversion1 deception4 ,it does not alter the truth a particle4 ,we shall die1 we are going to die4 ,she stopped crying1 dried her eyes and assumed a tone so positive and calm that it gave the impression that she was leaving the subject4 ,i want to ask you a question4 ,answer me frankly4 ,have you ever dared1 dear1 even in the depths of your heart1 to set a date1 a date relatively far off1 but exact and absolute1 with four figures1 and to say1 ',no matter how old ,i shall live to be1 on that day ,i shall be dead--while everything else will go on1 and little by little my empty place will be destroyed or filled again8' ,the directness of her question disturbed him4 ,but it seemed to me that he tried most to avoid giving her a reply that would heighten her obsession4 ,and all at once1 she remembered something he had once said to her1 and cleverly reminded him of it so as to close his mouth in advance and torture herself still more4 ,do you remember8 ,one evening1 by lamplight4 ,i was looking through a book4 ,you were watching me4 ,you came to me1 you knelt down and put your arms around my waist1 and laid your head in my lap4 ,there were tears in your eyes4 ,i can still hear you4 ',i am thinking1' you said1 'that this moment will never come again4 ,i am thinking that you are going to change1 to die1 and go away4 ,i am thinking so truly1 so hotly1 how precious these moments are1 how precious you are1 you who will never again be just what you are now1 and ,i adore your ineffable presence as it is now4' ,you looked at my hand1 you found it small and white1 and you said it was an extraordinary treasure1 which would disappear4 ,then you repeated1 ',i adore you1' in a voice which trembled so1 that ,i have never heard anything truer or more beautiful1 for you were right as a god is right4 ,alas6 he said4 ,he saw the tears in her eyes4 ,then he bowed his head4 ,when he lifted it again1 ,i had a vague intuition that he would know what to answer1 but had not yet formulated how to say it4 ,poor creatures1 a brief existence1 a few stray thoughts in the depths of a room--that is what we are1 she said1 lifting her head and looking at him1 hoping for an impossible contradiction1 as a child cries for a star4 ,he murmured3 ,who knows what we are8 4 4 4 4 4 ,she interrupted him with a gesture of infinite weariness4 ,i know what you are going to say4 ,you are going to talk to me about the beauty of suffering4 ,i know your noble ideas4 ,i love them1 my love1 your beautiful theories1 but ,i do not believe in them4 ,i would believe them if they consoled me and effaced death4 ,with a manifest effort1 as uncertain of himself as she was of herself1 feeling his way1 he replied3 ,they would efface it1 perhaps1 if you believed in them4 ,she turned toward him and took one of his hands in both of hers4 ,she questioned him with inexorable patience1 then she slipped to her knees before him1 like a lifeless body1 humbled herself in the dust1 wrecked in the depths of despair1 and implored him3 ,oh1 answer me6 ,i should be so happy if you could answer me4 ,i feel as though you really could6 ,he bent over her1 as if on the edge of an abyss of questioning3 ,do you know what we are8 he murmured4 ,everything we say1 everything we think1 everything we believe1 is fictitious4 ,we know nothing4 ,nothing is sure or solid4 ,you are wrong1 she cried4 ,there _/is_/ something absolute1 our sorrow1 our need1 our misery4 ,we can see and touch it4 ,deny everything else1 but our beggary1 who can deny that8 ,you are right1 he said1 it is the only absolute thing in the world4 4 4 4 4 4 ,then1 _/we_/ are the only absolute thing in the world1 he deduced4 ,he caught at this4 ,he had found a fulcrum4 ,we-- he said4 ,he had found the cry against death1 he repeated it1 and tried again4 ,we-- ,it was sublime to see him beginning to resist4 ,it is we who endure forever4 ,endure forever6 ,on the contrary1 it is we who pass away4 ,we see things pass1 but we endure4 ,she shrugged her shoulders with an air of denial4 ,there almost was hatred in her voice as she said3 ,yes--no--perhaps4 ,after all1 what difference does it make to me8 ,that does not console me4 ,who knows--maybe we need sadness and shadow1 to make joy and light4 ,light would exist without shadow1 she insisted4 ,no1 he said gently4 ,that does not console me1 she said again4 4 4 4 4 4 ,then he remembered that he had already thought out all these things4 ,listen1 he said1 in a voice tremulous and rather solemn as if he were making a confession4 ,i once imagined two beings who were at the end of their life1 and were recalling all they had suffered4 ,a poem6 she said1 discouraged4 ,yes1 he said1 one of those which might be so beautiful4 ,it was remarkable to see how animated he became4 ,for the first time he appeared sincere--when abandoning the living example of their own destiny for the fiction of his imagination4 ,in referring to his poem1 he had trembled4 ,you felt he was becoming his genuine self and that he had faith4 ,she raised her head to listen1 moved by her tenacious need of hearing something1 though she had no confidence in it4 ,the man and the woman are believers1 he began4 ,they are at the end of their life1 and they are happy to die for the reasons that one is sad to live4 ,they are a kind of ,adam and ,eve who dream of the paradise to which they are going to return4 ,the paradise of purity4 ,paradise is light4 ,life on earth is obscurity4 ,that is the motif of the song ,i have sketched1 the light that they desire1 the shadow that they are4 ,like us1 said ,amy4 ,he told of the life of the man and the woman of his poem4 ,amy listened to him1 and accepted what he was saying4 ,once she put her hands on her heart and said1 ,poor people6 ,then she got a little excited4 ,she felt he was going too far4 ,she did not wish so much darkness1 maybe because she was tired or because the picture when painted by some one else seemed exaggerated4 ,dream and reality here coincided4 ,the woman of the poem also protested at this point4 ,i was carried away by the poet's voice1 as he recited1 swaying slightly1 in the spell of the harmony of his own dream3 ,at the close of a life of pain and suffering the woman still looked ahead with the curiosity she had when she entered life4 ,eve ended as she had begun4 ,all her subtle eager woman's soul climbed toward the secret as if it were a kind of kiss on the lips of her life4 ,she wanted to be happy4 ,amy was now more interested in her companion's words4 ,the curse of the lovers in the poem1 sister to the curse she felt upon herself1 gave her confidence4 ,but her personality seemed to be shrinking4 ,a few moments before she had dominated everything4 ,now she was listening1 waiting1 absorbed4 ,the lover reproached the woman for contradicting herself in claiming earthly and celestial happiness at the same time4 ,she answered him with profundity1 that the contradiction lay not in herself1 but in the things she wanted4 ,the lover then seized another healing wand and with desperate eagerness1 he explained1 he shouted1 ',divine happiness has not the same form as human happiness4 ,divine happiness is outside of ourselves4' ,the woman rose1 trembling4 ',that is not true6 ,that is not true6' she exclaimed4 ',no1 my happiness is not outside of me1 seeing it is _/my_/ happiness4 ,the universe is ,god's universe1 but ,i am the god of my own happiness4 ,what ,i want1' she added1 with perfect simplicity1 'is to be happy1 ,i1 just as ,i am1 and with all my suffering4' ,amy started4 ,the woman in the poem had put her problem in a clearer and deeper manner1 and ,amy was more like that woman than herself4 ',i1 with all my suffering1' the man repeated4 ,suffering--important word6 ,it leads us to the heart of reality4 ,human suffering is a positive thing1 which requires a positive answer1 and sad as it is1 the word is beautiful1 because of the absolute truth it contains4 ',i1 with all my suffering6' ,it is an error to believe that we can be happy in perfect calm and clearness1 as abstract as a formula4 ,we are made too much out of shadow and some form of suffering4 ,if everything that hurts us were to be removed1 what would remain8 ,and the woman said1 ',my ,god1 ,i do not wish for heaven6' ,well1 then1 said ,amy1 trembling1 it follows that we can be miserable in paradise4 ,paradise is life1 said the poet4 ,amy was silent and remained with her head lifted1 comprehending at last that the whole poem was simply a reply to her question and that he had revived in her soul a loftier and a juster thought4 ,life is exalted to perfection as it ends1 the poet went on4 ',it is beautiful to reach the end of one's days1' said the lover4 ',it is in this way that we have lived paradise4' ,there is the truth1 the poet concluded4 ,it does not wipe out death4 ,it does not diminish space1 nor halt time4 ,but it makes us what we are in essential4 ,happiness needs unhappiness4 ,joy goes hand in hand with sorrow4 ,it is thanks to the shadow that we exist4 ,we must not dream of an absurd abstraction4 ,we must guard the bond that links us to blood and earth4 ',just as ,i am6' ,remember that4 ,we are a great mixture4 ,we are more than we believe4 ,who knows what we are8 ,on the woman's face1 which the terror of death had rigidly contracted1 a smile dawned4 ,she asked with childish dignity3 ,why did you not tell me this right away when ,i asked you8 ,you would not have understood me then4 ,you had run your dream of distress into a blind alley4 ,i had to take the truth along a different way so as to present it to you anew4 4 4 4 4 4 ,after that they fell silent4 ,for a fraction of time they had come as close to each other as human beings can come down here below--because of their august assent to the lofty truth1 to the arduous truth 7for it is hard to understand that happiness is at the same time happy and unhappy74 ,she believed him1 however1 she1 the rebel1 she1 the unbeliever1 to whom he had given a true heart to touch4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,the window was wide open4 ,in the dusty rays of the sunset ,i saw three people with their backs to the long reddish-brown beams of light4 ,an old man1 with a care-worn1 exhausted appearance and a face furrowed with wrinkles1 seated in the armchair near the window4 ,a tall young woman with very fair hair and the face of a madonna4 ,and1 a little apart1 a woman who was pregnant4 ,she held her eyes fixed in front of her1 seeming to contemplate the future4 ,she did not enter into the conversation1 perhaps because of her humbler condition1 or because her thoughts were bent upon the event to come4 ,the two others were conversing4 ,the man had a cracked1 uneven voice4 ,a slight feverish tremour sometimes shook his shoulders1 and now and then he gave a sudden involuntary jerk4 ,the fire had died out of his eyes and his speech had traces of a foreign accent4 ,the woman sat beside him quietly4 ,she had the fairness and gentle calm of the northern races1 so white and light that the daylight seemed to die more slowly than elsewhere upon her pale silver face and the abundant aureole of her hair4 ,were they father and daughter or brother and sister8 ,it was plain that he adored her but that she was not his wife4 ,with his dimmed eyes he looked at the reflection of the sunlight upon her4 ,some one is going to be born1 and some one is going to die1 he said4 ,the other woman started1 while the man's companion cried in a low tone1 bending over him quickly4 ,oh1 ,philip1 don't say that4 ,he seemed indifferent to the effect he had produced1 as though her protest had not been sincere1 or else were in vain4 ,perhaps1 after all1 he was not an old man4 ,his hair seemed to me scarcely to have begun to turn grey4 ,but he was in the grip of a mysterious illness1 which he did not bear well4 ,he was in a constant state of irritation4 ,he had not long to live4 ,that was apparent from unmistakable signs--the look of pity in the woman's eyes mingled with discreetly veiled alarm1 and an oppressive atmosphere of mourning4 4 4 4 4 4 ,with a physical effort he began to speak so as to break the silence4 ,as he was sitting between me and the open window1 some of the things he said were lost in the air4 ,he spoke of his travels1 and1 ,i think1 also of his marriage1 but ,i did not hear well4 ,he became animated1 and his voice rose painfully4 ,he quivered4 ,a restrained passion enlivened his gestures and glances and warmed his language4 ,you could tell that he must have been an active brilliant man before his illness4 ,he turned his head a little and ,i could hear him better4 ,he told of the cities and countries that he had visited4 ,it was like an invocation to sacred names1 to far-off different skies1 ,italy1 ,egypt1 ,india4 ,he had come to this room to rest1 between two stations1 and he was resting uneasily1 like an escaped convict4 ,he said he would have to leave again1 and his eyes sparkled4 ,he spoke of what he still wanted to see4 ,but the twilight deepened1 the warmth left the air1 and all he thought of now was what he had seen in the past4 ,think of everything we have seen1 of all the space we bring with us4 ,they gave the impression of a group of travellers1 never in repose1 forever in flight1 arrested for a moment in their insatiable course1 in a corner of the world which you felt was made small by their presence4 4 4 4 4 4 ,palermo--,sicily4 ,not daring to advance into the future1 he intoxicated himself with these recollections4 ,i saw the effort he was making to draw near to some luminous point in the days gone by4 ,carpi1 ,carpi1 he cried4 ,anna1 do you remember that wonderful brilliant morning8 ,the ferryman and his wife were at table in the open air4 ,what a glow over the whole country6 ,the table1 round and pale like a star4 ,the stream sparkling4 ,the banks bordered with oleander and tamarisk4 ,the sun made a flower of every leaf4 ,the grass shone as if it were full of dew4 ,the shrubs seemed bejewelled4 ,the breeze was so faint that it was a smile1 not a sigh4 ,she listened to him1 placid1 deep1 and limpid as a mirror4 ,the whole of the ferryman's family1 he continued1 was not there4 ,the young daughter was dreaming on a rustic seat1 far enough away not to hear them4 ,i saw the light-green shadow that the tree cast upon her1 there at the edge of the forest's violet mystery4 ,and ,i can still hear the flies buzzing in that ,lombardy summer over the winding river which unfolded its charms as we walked along the banks4 ,the greatest impression ,i ever had of noonday sunlight1 he continued1 was in ,london1 in a museum4 ,an ,italian boy in the dress of his country1 a model1 was standing in front of a picture which represented a sunlight effect on a ,roman landscape4 ,the boy held his head stretched out4 ,amid the immobility of the indifferent attendants1 and in the dampness and drabness of a ,london day1 this ,italian boy radiated light4 ,he was deaf to everything around him1 full of secret sunlight1 and his hands were almost clasped4 ,he was praying to the divine picture4 ,we saw ,carpi again1 said ,anna4 ,we had to pass through it by chance in ,november4 ,it was very cold4 ,we wore all our furs1 and the river was frozen4 ,yes1 and we walked on the ice4 ,he paused for a moment1 then asked3 ,why are certain memories imperishable8 ,he buried his face in his nervous hands and sighed3 ,why1 oh1 why8 ,our oasis1 ,anna said1 to assist him in his memories1 or perhaps because she shared in the intoxication of reviving them1 was the corner where the lindens and acacias were on your estate in the government of ,kiev4 ,one whole side of the lawn was always strewn with flowers in summer and leaves in winter4 ,i can still see my father there1 he said4 ,he had a kind face4 ,he wore a great cloak of shaggy cloth1 and a felt cap pulled down over his ears4 ,he had a large white beard1 and his eyes watered a little from the cold4 ,why1 he wondered after a pause1 do ,i think of my father that way and no other way8 ,i do not know1 but that is the way he will live in me4 ,that is the way he will not die4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the day was declining4 ,the woman seemed to stand out in greater relief against the other two and become more and more beautiful4 ,i saw the man's silhouette on the faded curtains1 his back bent1 his head shaking as in a palsy and his neck strained and emaciated4 ,with a rather awkward movement he drew a case of cigarettes from his pocket and lit a cigarette4 ,as the eager little light rose and spread like a glittering mask1 ,i saw his ravaged features4 ,but when he started to smoke in the twilight1 all you could see was the glowing cigarette1 shaken by an arm as unsubstantial as the smoke that came from it4 ,it was not tobacco that he was smoking4 ,the odour of a drug sickened me4 ,he held out his hand feebly toward the closed window1 modest with its half-lifted curtains4 ,look--,benares and ,allahabad4 ,a sumptuous ceremony--tiaras--insignia1 and women's ornaments4 ,in the foreground1 the high priest1 with his elaborate head-dress in tiers--a vague pagoda1 architecture1 epoch1 race4 ,how different we are from those creatures4 ,are _/they_/ right or are _/we_/ right8 ,now he extended the circle of the past1 with a mighty effort4 ,our travels--all those bonds one leaves behind4 ,all useless4 ,travelling does not make us greater4 ,why should the mere covering of ground make us greater8 ,the man bowed his wasted head4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he who had just been in ecstasy now began to complain4 ,i keep remembering--,i keep remembering4 ,my heart has no pity on me4 ,ah1 he mourned1 a moment afterwards1 with a gesture of resignation1 we cannot say good-by to everything4 ,the woman was there1 but she could do nothing1 although so greatly adored4 ,she was there with only her beauty4 ,it was a superhuman vision that he evoked1 heightened by regret1 by remorse and greed4 ,he did not want it to end4 ,he wanted it back again4 ,he loved his past4 ,inexorable1 motionless1 the past is endowed with the attributes of divinity1 because1 for believers as well as for unbelievers1 the great attribute of ,god is that of being prayed to4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the pregnant woman had gone out4 ,i saw her go to the door1 softly with maternal carefulness of herself4 ,anna and the sick man were left alone4 ,the evening had a gripping reality4 ,it seemed to live1 to be firmly rooted1 and to hold its place4 ,never before had the room been so full of it4 ,one more day coming to an end1 he said1 and went on as if pursuing his train of thought3 ,we must get everything ready for our marriage4 ,michel6 cried the young woman instinctively1 as if she could not hold the name back4 ,michel will not be angry at us1 the man replied4 ,he knows you love him1 ,anna4 ,he will not be frightened by a formality1 pure and simple-- by a marriage _/in extremis1_/ he added emphatically1 smiling as though to console himself4 ,they looked at each other4 ,he was dry1 feverish4 ,his words came from deep down in his being4 ,she trembled4 ,with his eyes on her1 so white and tall and radiant1 he made a visible effort to hold himself in1 as if not daring to reach her with a single word4 ,then he let himself go4 ,i love you so much1 he said simply4 ,ah1 she answered1 you will not die6 ,how good you were1 he replied1 to have been willing to be my sister for so long6 ,think of all you have done for me6 she exclaimed1 clasping her hands and bending her magnificent body toward him1 as if prostrating herself before him4 ,you could tell that they were speaking open-heartedly4 ,what a good thing it is to be frank and speak without reticence1 without the shame and guilt of not knowing what one is saying and for each to go straight to the other4 ,it is almost a miracle4 ,they were silent4 ,he closed his eyes1 though continuing to see her1 then opened them again and looked at her4 ,you are my angel who do not love me4 ,his face clouded4 ,this simple sight overwhelmed me4 ,it was the infiniteness of a heart partaking of nature--this clouding of his face4 ,i saw with what love he lifted himself up to her4 ,she knew it4 ,there was a great gentleness in her words1 in her attitude toward him1 which in every little detail showed that she knew his love4 ,she did not encourage him1 or lie to him1 but whenever she could1 by a word1 by a gesture1 or by some beautiful silence1 she would try to console him a little for the harm she did him by her presence and by her absence4 ,after studying her face again1 while the shadow drew him still nearer to her in spite of himself1 he said3 ,you are the sad confidante of my love of you4 ,he spoke of their marriage again4 ,since all preparations had been made1 why not marry at once8 ,my fortune1 my name1 ,anna1 the chaste love that will be left to you from me when--when ,i shall be gone4 ,he wanted to transform his caress--too light1 alas--into a lasting benefit for the vague future4 ,for the present all he aspired to was the feeble and fictitious union implied in the word marriage4 ,why speak of it8 she said1 instead of giving a direct answer1 feeling an almost insurmountable repugnance1 doubtless because of her love for ,michel1 which the sick man had declared in her stead4 ,while she had consented in principle to marrying him and had allowed the preliminary steps to be taken1 she had never replied definitely to his urgings4 ,but it looked to me as if she were about to make a different decision1 one contrary to her material interests1 in all the purity of her soul1 which was so transparent--the decision to give herself to him freely4 ,tell me6 he murmured4 ,there was almost a smile on her mouth1 the mouth to which supplications had been offered as to an altar4 ,the dying man1 feeling that she was about to accept1 murmured3 ,i love life4 ,he shook his head4 ,i have so little time left1 so little time that ,i do not want to sleep at night any more4 ,then he paused and waited for her to speak4 ,yes1 she said1 and lightly touched--hardly grazed--the old man's hand with her own4 ,and in spite of myself1 my inexorable1 attentive eye could not help detecting the stamp of theatrical solemnity1 of conscious grandeur in her gesture4 ,even though devoted and chaste1 without any ulterior motive1 her sacrifice had a self-glorifying pride1 which ,i perceived--,i who saw everything4 4 4 4 4 4 ,in the boarding-house1 the strangers were the sole topic of conversation4 ,they occupied three rooms and had a great deal of baggage1 and the man seemed to be very rich1 though simple in his tastes4 ,they were to stay in ,paris until the young woman's delivery1 in a month or so4 ,she expected to go to a hospital nearby4 ,but the man was very ill1 they said4 ,madame ,lemercier was extremely annoyed4 ,she was afraid he would die in her house4 ,she had made arrangements by correspondence1 otherwise she would not have taken these people in--in spite of the tone that their wealth might give to her house4 ,she hoped he would last long enough to be able to leave4 ,but when you spoke to her1 she seemed to be worried4 ,when ,i saw him again1 ,i felt he was really going to die soon4 ,he sat in his chair1 collapsed1 with his elbows on the arms of the chair and his hands drooping4 ,it seemed difficult for him to look at things1 and he held his face bowed down1 so that the light from the window did not reveal his pupils1 but only the edge of the lower lids1 which gave the impression of his eyes having been put out4 ,i remembered what the poet had said1 and ,i trembled before this man whose life was over1 who reviewed almost his entire existence like a terrible sovereign1 and was wrapped in a beauty that was of ,god4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,some one knocked at the door4 ,it was time for the doctor4 ,the sick man raised himself uncertainly in awe of the master4 ,how have you been to-day8 ,bad4 ,well1 well1 the doctor said lightly4 ,they were left alone together4 ,the man dropped down again with a slowness and awkwardness that would have seemed ridiculous if it had not been so sad4 ,the doctor stood between us4 ,how has your heart been behaving8 ,by an instinct which seemed tragic to me1 they both lowered their voices1 and in a low tone the sick man gave his daily account of the progress of his malady4 ,the man of science listened1 interrupted1 and nodded his head in approval4 ,he put an end to the recital by repeating his usual meaningless assurances1 in a raised voice now and with his usual broad gesture4 ,well1 well1 ,i see there's nothing new4 ,he shifted his position and ,i saw the patient1 his drawn features and wild eyes4 ,he was all shaken up by this talking about the dreadful riddle of his illness4 ,he calmed himself1 and began to converse with the doctor1 who let himself down squarely into a chair1 with an affable manner4 ,he started several topics1 then in spite of himself returned to the sinister thing he carried within him1 his disease4 ,disgusting6 he said4 ,bah6 said the doctor1 who was blas4 ,then he rose4 ,well1 till to-morrow6 ,yes1 for the consultation4 ,yes4 ,well1 good-by6 ,the doctor went out1 lightly carrying the burden of misery and cruel memories1 the weight of which he had ceased to feel4 4 4 4 4 4 ,evidently the consulting physicians had just finished their examination of the patient in another room4 ,the door opened1 and two doctors entered4 ,their manner seemed to me to be stiff4 ,one of them was a young man1 the other an old man4 ,they looked at each other4 ,i tried to penetrate the silence of their eyes and the night in their heads4 ,the older man stroked his beard1 leaned against the mantelpiece1 and stared at the ground4 ,hopeless1 he said1 lowering his voice1 for fear of being overheard by the patient4 ,the other nodded his head--in sign of agreement--of complicity1 you might say4 ,both men fell silent like two guilty children4 ,their eyes met again4 ,how old is he8 ,fifty-three4 ,lucky to live so long1 the young doctor remarked4 ,to which the old man retorted philosophically3 ,yes1 indeed4 ,but his luck won't hold out any longer4 ,a silence4 ,the man with the grey beard murmured3 ,i detected sarcoma4 ,he put his finger on his neck4 ,right here4 ,the other man nodded--his head seemed to be nodding continually--and muttered3 ,yes4 ,there's no possibility of operating4 ,of course not1 said the old specialist1 his eyes shining with a kind of sinister irony4 ,there's only one thing that could remove it--the guillotine4 ,besides1 the malignant condition has spread4 ,there is pressure upon the submaxillary and subclavicular ganglia1 and probably the axillary ganglia also4 ,his respiration1 circulation and digestion will soon be obstructed and strangulation will be rapid4 ,he sighed and stood with an unlighted cigar in his mouth1 his face rigid1 his arms folded4 ,the young man sat down1 leaning back in his chair1 and tapped the marble mantelpiece with his idle fingers4 ,what shall ,i tell the young woman8 ,put on a subdued manner and tell her it is serious1 very serious1 but no one can tell1 nature is infinitely resourceful4 ,that's so hackneyed4 ,so much the better1 said the old man4 ,but if she insists on knowing8 ,don't give in4 ,shall we not hold out a little hope8 ,she is so young4 ,no4 ,for that very reason we mustn't4 ,she'd become too hopeful4 ,my boy1 never say anything superfluous at such a time4 ,there's no use4 ,the only result is to make them call us ignoramuses and hate us4 ,does he realise8 ,i do not know4 ,while ,i examined him--you heard--,i tried to find out by asking questions4 ,once ,i thought he had no suspicion at all4 ,then he seemed to understand his case as well as ,i did4 ,sarcoma forms like the human embryo1 said the younger doctor4 ,yes1 like the human embryo1 the other assented and entered into a long elaboration of this idea4 ,the germ acts on the cell1 as ,lancereaux has pointed out1 in the same way as a spermatozoon4 ,it is a micro-organism which penetrates the tissue1 and selects and impregnates it1 sets it vibrating1 gives it _/another life4_/ ,but the exciting agent of this intracellular activity1 instead of being the normal germ of life1 is a parasite4 ,he went on to describe the process minutely and in highly scientific terms1 and ended up by saying3 ,the cancerous tissue never achieves full development4 ,it keeps on without ever reaching a limit4 ,yes1 cancer1 in the strictest sense of the word1 is infinite in our organism4 ,the young doctor bowed assent1 and then said3 ,perhaps--no doubt--we shall succeed in time in curing all diseases4 ,everything can change4 ,we shall find the proper method for preventing what we cannot stop when it has once begun4 ,and it is then only that we shall dare to tell the ravages due to the spread of incurable diseases4 ,perhaps we shall even succeed in finding cures for certain incurable affections4 ,the remedies have not had time to prove themselves4 ,we shall cure others--that is certain--but we shall not cure him4 ,his voice deepened4 ,then he asked3 ,is he a ,russian or a ,greek8 ,i do not know4 ,i see so much into the inside of people that their outsides all look alike to me4 ,they are especially alike in their vile pretense of being dissimilar and enemies4 ,the young man seemed to shudder1 as if the idea aroused a kind of passion in him4 ,he rose1 full of anger1 changed4 ,oh1 he said1 what a disgraceful spectacle humanity presents4 ,in spite of its fearful wounds1 humanity makes war upon humanity4 ,we who deal with the sores afflicting mankind are struck more than others by all the evil men involuntarily inflict upon one another4 ,i am neither a politician nor a propagandist4 ,it is not my business to occupy myself with ideas4 ,i have too much else to do4 ,but sometimes ,i am moved by a great pity1 as lofty as a dream4 ,sometimes ,i feel like punishing men1 at other times1 like going down on my knees to them4 ,the old doctor smiled sadly at this vehemence1 then his smile vanished at the thought of the undeniable outrage4 ,unfortunately you are right4 ,with all the misery we have to suffer1 we tear ourselves with our own hands besides--the war of the classes1 the war of the nations1 whether you look at us from afar or from above1 we are barbarians and madmen4 ,why1 why1 said the young doctor1 who was getting excited1 why do we continue to be fools when we recognise our own folly8 ,the old practitioner shrugged his shoulders1 as he had a few moments before when they spoke of incurable diseases4 ,the force of tradition1 fanned by interested parties4 ,we are not free1 we are attached to the past4 ,we study what has always been done1 and do it over again--war and injustice4 ,some day perhaps humanity will succeed in ridding itself of the ghost of the past4 ,let us hope that some day we shall emerge from this endless epoch of massacre and misery4 ,what else is there to do than to hope8 ,the old man stopped at this4 ,the young man said3 ,to will4 ,the other man made a gesture with his hand4 ,there is one great general cause for the world's ulcer1 the younger one kept on4 ,you have said it--servility to the past1 prejudice which prevents us from doing things differently1 according to reason and morality4 ,the spirit of tradition infects humanity1 and its two frightful manifestations are-- ,the old man rose from his chair1 as if about to protest and as if to say1 ,don't mention them6 ,but the young man could not restrain himself any more4 --inheritance from the past and the fatherland4 ,hush6 cried the old man4 ,you are treading on ground on which ,i cannot follow4 ,i recognise present evils4 ,i pray with all my heart for the new era4 ,more than that1 ,i believe in it4 ,but do not speak that way about two sacred principles4 ,you speak like everybody else1 said the young man bitterly4 ,we must go to the root of the evil1 you know we must4 _/,you_/ certainly do4 ,and he added violently1 ,why do you act as if you did not know it8 ,if we wish to cure ourselves of oppression and war1 we have a right to attack them by all the means possible--all6--the principle of inheritance and the cult of the fatherland4 ,no1 we haven't the right1 exclaimed the old man1 who had risen in great agitation and threw a look at his interlocutor that was hard1 almost savage4 ,we have the right6 cried the other4 ,all at once1 the grey head drooped1 and the old man said in a low voice3 ,yes1 it is true1 we have the right4 ,i remember one day during the war4 ,we were standing beside a dying man4 ,no one knew who he was4 ,he had been found in the debris of a bombarded ambulance--whether bombarded purposely or not1 the result was the same4 ,his face had been mutilated beyond recognition4 ,all you could tell was that he belonged to one or other of the two armies4 ,he moaned and groaned and sobbed and shrieked and invented the most appalling cries4 ,we listened to the sounds that he made in his agony1 trying to find one word1 the faintest accent1 that would at least indicate his nationality4 ,no use4 ,not a single intelligible sound from that something like a face quivering on the stretcher4 ,we looked and listened1 until he fell silent4 ,when he was dead and we stopped trembling1 ,i had a flash of comprehension4 ,i understood4 ,i understood in the depths of my being that man is more closely knit to man than to his vague compatriots4 ,yes1 we have a right to attack oppression and war1 we have a right to4 ,i saw the truth several times afterward again1 but ,i am an old man1 and ,i haven't the strength to stick to it4 ,my dear sir1 said the young man1 rising1 with respect in his voice4 ,evidently he was touched4 ,yes1 ,i know1 ,i know1 the old scientist continued in an outburst of sincerity4 ,i know that in spite of all the arguments and the maze of special cases in which people lose themselves1 the absolute1 simple truth remains1 that the law by which some are born rich and others poor and which maintains a chronic inequality in society is a supreme injustice4 ,it rests on no better basis than the law that once created races of slaves4 ,i know patriotism has become a narrow offensive sentiment which as long as it lives will maintain war and exhaust the world4 ,i know that neither work nor material and moral prosperity1 nor the noble refinements of progress1 nor the wonders of art1 need competition inspired by hate4 ,in fact1 ,i know that1 on the contrary1 these things are destroyed by arms4 ,i know that the map of a country is composed of conventional lines and different names1 that our innate love of self leads us closer to those that are like-minded than to those who belong to the same geographical group1 and we are more truly compatriots of those who understand and love us and who are on the level of our own souls1 or who suffer the same slavery than of those whom we meet on the street4 ,the national groups1 the units of the modern world1 are what they are1 to be sure4 ,the love we have for our native land would be good and praiseworthy if it did not degenerate1 as we see it does everywhere1 into vanity1 the spirit of predominance1 acquisitiveness1 hate1 envy1 nationalism1 and militarism4 ,the monstrous distortion of the patriotic sentiment1 which is increasing1 is killing off humanity4 ,mankind is committing suicide1 and our age is an agony4 ,the two men had the same vision and said simultaneously3 ,a cancer1 a cancer6 ,the older scientist grew animated1 succumbing to the evidence4 ,i know as well as you do that posterity will judge severely those who have made a fetich of the institutions of oppression and have cultivated and spread the ideas supporting them4 ,i know that the cure for an abuse does not begin until we refuse to submit to the cult that consecrates it4 ,and ,i1 who have devoted myself for half a century to the great discoveries that have changed the face of the world1 ,i know that in introducing an innovation one encounters the hostility of everything that is4 ,i know it is a vice to spend years and centuries saying of progress1 ',i should like it1 but ,i do not want it4' ,but as for me1 ,i have too many cares and too much work to do4 ,and then1 as ,i told you1 ,i am too old4 ,these ideas are too new for me4 ,a man's intelligence is capable of holding only a certain quantum of new1 creative ideas4 ,when that amount is exhausted1 whatever the progress around you may be1 one refuses to see it and help it on4 ,i am incapable of carrying on a discussion to fruitful lengths4 ,i am incapable of the audacity of being logical4 ,i confess to you1 my boy1 ,i have not the strength to be right4 ,my dear doctor1 said the young man in a tone of reproach1 meeting his older colleague's sincerity with equal sincerity1 you have publicly declared your disapproval of the men who publicly fought the idea of patriotism4 ,the influence of your name has been used against them4 ,the old man straightened himself1 and his face coloured4 ,i will not stand for our country's being endangered4 ,i did not recognise him any more4 ,he dropped from his great thoughts and was no longer himself4 ,i was discouraged4 ,but1 the other put in1 what you just said-- ,that is not the same thing4 ,the people you speak of have defied us4 ,they have declared themselves enemies and so have justified all outrages in advance4 ,those who commit outrages against them commit the crime of ignorance1 said the young man in a tremulous voice1 sustained by a kind of vision4 ,they fail to see the superior logic of things that are in the process of creation4 ,he bent over to his companion1 and1 in a firmer tone1 asked1 ,how can the thing that is beginning help being revolutionary8 ,those who are the first to cry out are alone1 and therefore ignored or despised4 ,you yourself just said so4 ,but posterity will remember the vanguard of martyrs4 ,it will hail those who have cast a doubt on the equivocal word 'fatherland1' and will gather them into the fold of all the innovators who went before them and who are now universally honoured4 ,never6 cried the old man1 who listened to this last with a troubled look4 ,a frown of obstinacy and impatience deepened in his forehead1 and he clenched his fists in hate4 ,no1 that is not the same thing4 ,besides1 discussions like this lead nowhere4 ,it would be better1 while we are waiting for the world to do its duty1 for us to do ours and tell this poor woman the truth4 ,,chapter ,x ,the two women were alone beside the wide open window4 ,in the full1 wise light of the autumn sun1 ,i saw how faded was the face of the pregnant woman4 ,all of a sudden a frightened expression came into her eyes4 ,she reeled against the wall1 leaned there a second1 and then fell over with a stifled cry4 ,anna caught her in her arms1 and dragged her along until she reached the bell and rang and rang4 ,then she stood still1 not daring to budge1 holding in her arms the heavy delicate woman1 her own face close to the face with the rolling eyes4 ,the cries1 dull and stifled at first1 burst out now in loud shrieks4 ,the door opened4 ,people hurried in4 ,outside the door the servants were on the watch4 ,i caught sight of the landlady1 who succeeded ill in concealing her comic chagrin4 ,they laid the woman on the bed4 ,they removed ornaments1 unfolded towels1 and gave hurried orders4 ,the crisis subsided and the woman stopped shrieking4 ,she was so happy not to be suffering any more that she laughed4 ,a somewhat constrained reflection of her laugh appeared on the faces bending over her4 ,they undressed her carefully4 ,she let them handle her like a child4 ,they fixed the bed4 ,her legs looked very thin and her set face seemed reduced to nothing4 ,all you saw was her distended body in the middle of the bed4 ,her hair was undone and spread around her face like a pool4 ,two feminine hands plaited it quickly4 ,her laughter broke and stopped4 ,it is beginning again4 ,a groan1 which grew louder1 a fresh burst of shrieks4 ,anna1 her only friend1 remained in the room4 ,she looked and listened1 filled with thoughts of motherhood4 ,she was thinking that she1 too1 held within her such travail and such cries4 ,this lasted the whole day4 ,for hours1 from morning until evening1 ,i heard the heart-rending wail rising and falling from that pitiful double being4 ,at certain moments ,i fell back1 overcome4 ,i could no longer look or listen4 ,i renounced seeing so much truth4 ,then once more1 with an effort1 ,i stood up against the wall and looked into the ,room again4 ,anna kissed the woman on her forehead1 in brave proximity to the immense cry4 ,when the cry was articulate1 it was3 ,no1 no6 ,i do not want to6 ,serious1 sickened faces1 almost grown old in a few hours with fatigue1 passed and repassed4 ,i heard some one say3 ,no need to help it along4 ,nature must be allowed to take her course4 ,whatever nature does she does well4 ,and in surprise my lips repeated this lie1 while my eyes were fixed upon the frail1 innocent woman who was a prey to stupendous nature1 which crushed her1 rolled her in her blood1 and exacted all the suffering from her that she could yield4 ,the midwife turned up her sleeves and put on her rubber gloves4 ,she waved her enormous reddish-black1 glistening hands like ,indian clubs4 ,and all this turned into a nightmare in which ,i half believed4 ,my head grew heavy and ,i was sickened by the smell of blood and carbolic acid poured out by the bottleful4 ,at a moment when ,i1 feeling too harrowed1 was not looking1 ,i heard a cry different from hers1 a cry that was scarcely more than the sound of a moving object1 a light grating4 ,it was the new being that had unloosened itself1 as yet a mere morsel of flesh taken from her flesh-- her heart which had just been torn away from her4 ,this shook me to the depths of my being4 ,i1 who had witnessed everything that human beings undergo1 ,i1 at this first signal of human life1 felt some paternal and fraternal chord--,i do not know what-- vibrating within me4 ,she laughed4 ,how quickly it went6 she said4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the day was coming to a close4 ,complete silence in the room4 ,a plain night lamp was burning1 the flame scarcely flickering4 ,the clock1 like a poor soul1 was ticking faintly4 ,there was hardly a thing near the bed4 ,it was as in a real temple4 ,she lay stretched out in bed1 in ideal quiet1 her eyes turned toward the window4 ,bit by bit1 she saw the evening descending upon the most beautiful day in her life4 ,this ruined mass1 this languid face shone with the glory of having created1 with a sort of ecstasy which redeemed her suffering1 and one saw the new world of thoughts that grew out of her experience4 ,she thought of the child growing up4 ,she smiled at the joys and sorrows it would cause her4 ,she smiled also at the brother or sister it would have some day4 ,and ,i thought of this at the same time that she did1 and ,i saw her martyrdom more clearly than she4 ,this massacre1 this tragedy of flesh is so ordinary and commonplace that every woman carries the memory and imprint of it1 and yet nobody really knows it4 ,the doctor1 who comes into contact with so much of the same sort of suffering1 is not moved by it any more4 ,the woman1 who is too tender-hearted1 never remembers it4 ,others who look on at travail have a sentimental interest1 which wipes out the agony4 ,but ,i who saw for the sake of seeing know1 in all its horror1 the agony of childbirth4 ,i shall never forget the great laceration of life4 ,the night lamp was placed so that the bed was plunged in shadow4 ,i could no longer see the mother4 ,i no longer knew her4 ,i believed in her4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,the woman who had been confined was moved with exquisite care into the next room1 which she had occupied previously4 ,it was larger and more comfortable4 ,they cleaned the room from top to bottom1 and ,i saw ,anna and ,philip seated in the room again4 ,take care1 ,philip1 ,anna was saying1 you do not understand the ,christian religion4 ,you really do not know _/exactly_/ what it is4 ,you speak of it1 she added1 with a smile1 as women speak of men1 or as men when they try to explain women4 ,its fundamental element is love4 ,it is a covenant of love between human beings who instinctively detest one another4 ,it is also a wealth of love in our hearts to which we respond naturally when we are little children4 ,later all our tenderness is added to it bit by bit1 like treasure to treasure4 ,it is a law of outpouring to which we give ourselves up1 and it is the source of that outpouring4 ,it is life1 it is almost a work1 it is almost a human being4 ,but1 my dear ,anna1 that is not the ,christian religion4 ,that is you4 4 4 4 4 4 ,in the middle of the night1 ,i heard talking through the partition4 ,i struggled with my sleepiness and got up4 ,the man was alone1 in bed4 ,a lamp was burning dimly4 ,he was asleep and talking in his sleep4 ,he smiled and said ,no6 three times with growing ecstasy4 ,then his smile at the vision he saw faded away4 ,for a moment his face remained set1 as if he were waiting1 then he looked terrified1 and his mouth opened4 ,anna6 ,ah1 ah6--,ah1 ah6 he cried through gaping lips4 ,at this he awoke and rolled his eyes4 ,he sighed and quieted down4 ,he sat up in bed1 still struck and terrified by what had passed through his mind a few seconds before4 ,he looked round at everything to calm himself and banish his nightmare completely4 ,the familiar sight of the room1 with the lamp1 so wise and motionless1 enthroned in the middle1 reassured him4 ,it was balm to this man who had just seen what does not exist1 who had just smiled at phantoms and touched them1 who had just been mad4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i rose the next morning1 all broken up4 ,i was restless4 ,i had a severe headache4 ,my eyes were bloodshot4 ,when ,i looked at them in the mirror1 it was as if ,i saw them through a veil of blood4 ,when ,i was alone1 free from the visions and scenes to which ,i devoted my life1 all kinds of worries assailed me--worry about my position1 which ,i was risking1 worry about the steps ,i ought to be taking and yet was not taking1 worry over myself that ,i was so intent upon casting off all my obligations and postponing them1 and repudiating my wage-earning lot1 by which ,i was destined to be held fast in the slow wheelwork of office routine4 ,i was also worried by all kinds of minuti1 annoying because they kept cropping up every minute--not make any noise1 not light a light when the ,room was dark1 hide myself1 and hide myself all the time4 ,one evening ,i got a fit of coughing while listening at the hole4 ,i snatched up my pillow and buried my head in it to keep the sound from coming out of my mouth4 ,everything seemed to be in a league to avenge itself upon me for ,i did not know what4 ,i felt as though ,i should not be able to hold out much longer4 ,nevertheless1 ,i made up my mind to keep on looking as long as my health and my courage lasted4 ,it might be bad for me1 but it was my duty4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the man was sinking4 ,death was evidently in the house4 ,it was quite late in the evening4 ,they were sitting at the table opposite each other4 ,i knew their marriage had taken place that afternoon1 and that its purpose had been only to solemnise their approaching farewell4 ,some white blossoms1 lilies and azaleas1 were strewn on the table1 the mantelpiece1 and one armchair4 ,he was fading away like those cut flowers4 ,we are married1 he said4 ,you are my wife4 ,you are my wife1 ,anna6 ,it was for the sweetness of saying1 ,you are my wife1 that he had so longed4 ,nothing more4 ,but he felt so poor1 with his few days of life1 that it was complete happiness to him4 ,he looked at her1 and she lifted her eyes to him--to him who adored her sisterly tenderness--she who had become devoted to his adoration4 ,what infinite emotion lay hidden in these two silences1 which faced each other in a kind of embrace2 in the double silence of these two human beings1 who1 ,i had observed1 never touched each other1 not even with the tips of their fingers4 ,the girl lifted her head1 and said1 in an unsteady voice3 ,it is late4 ,i am going to sleep4 ,she got up4 ,the lamp1 which she set on the mantelpiece1 lit up the room4 ,she trembled4 ,she seemed to be in a dream and not to know how to yield to the dream4 ,then she raised her arm and took the pins out of her hair4 ,it fell down her back and looked1 in the night1 as if it were lit by the setting sun4 ,the man made a sudden movement and looked at her in surprise4 ,not a word4 ,she removed a gold brooch from the top of her blouse1 and a bit of her bosom appeared4 ,what are you doing1 ,anna1 what are you doing8 ,why1 undressing4 ,she wanted to say this in a natural voice1 but had not succeeded4 ,he replied with an inarticulate exclamation1 a cry from his heart1 which was touched to the quick4 ,stupefaction1 desperate regret1 and also the flash of an inconceivable hope agitated him1 oppressed him4 ,you are my husband4 ,oh1 he said1 you know ,i am nothing4 ,he spoke feebly in a tragic tone4 ,married for form's sake1 he went on1 stammering out fragmentary1 incoherent phrases4 ,i knew it1 ,i knew it--formality--our conventions-- ,she stopped1 with her hand hesitating on her blouse like a flower1 and said3 ,you are my husband4 ,it is your right4 ,he made a faint gesture of denial4 ,she quickly corrected herself4 ,no1 no1 it is not your right4 ,i want to do it4 ,i began to understand how kind she was trying to be4 ,she wished to give this man1 this poor man who was sinking at her feet1 a reward that was worthy of her4 ,she wanted to bestow upon him the gift of the sight of her body4 ,but the thing was harder than the mere bestowal of a gift4 ,it must not look like the mere payment of a debt4 ,he would not have consented to that4 ,she must make him believe it was a voluntary wifely act1 a willing caress4 ,she must conceal her suffering and repugnance like a vice4 ,feeling the difficulty of giving this delicate shade to her sacrifice1 she was afraid of herself4 ,no1 ,anna--dear ,anna--think-- ,he was going to say1 ,think of ,michel1 but he did not have the strength at that moment to use this one decisive argument1 and only murmured1 ,you1 you6 ,i want to do it1 she repeated4 ,but ,i do not want you to4 ,no1 no4 ,he said this in a weaker voice now1 overcome by love4 ,through instinctive nobility1 he covered his eyes with his hand1 but gradually his hand surrendered and dropped4 ,she continued to undress1 with uncertain movements that showed she hardly knew what she was doing4 ,she took off her black waist1 and her bust emerged like the day4 ,when the light shone on her she quivered and crossed her shining arms over her chest4 ,then she started to unhook the belt of her skirt1 her arms curved1 her reddened face bent down and her lips tightly compressed1 as if she had nothing in mind but the unhooking of her skirt4 ,it dropped to the ground and she stepped out of it with a soft rustle1 like the sound the wind makes in a leafy garden4 ,she leaned against the mantelpiece4 ,her movements were large1 majestic1 beautiful1 yet dainty and feminine4 ,she pulled off her stockings4 ,her legs were round and large and smooth as in a statue of ,michael ,angelo's4 ,she shivered and stopped1 overcome by repugnance4 ,i feel a little cold1 she said in explanation and went on undressing1 revealing her great modesty in violating it4 ,holy ,virgin6 the man breathed in a whisper1 so as not to frighten her4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i have never seen a woman so radiantly beautiful4 ,i had never dreamed of beauty like it4 ,the very first day1 her face had struck me by its regularity and unusual charm1 and her tall figure--taller than myself-- had seemed opulent1 yet delicate1 but ,i had never believed in such splendid perfection of form4 ,in her superhuman proportions she was like some ,eve in grand religious frescoes4 ,big1 soft and supple1 broad-shouldered1 with a full beautiful bosom1 small feet1 and tapering limbs4 ,in a dreamy voice1 going still further in the bestowal of her supreme gift1 she said3 ,no one--she stressed these words with an emphasis amounting to the mention of a certain name--_/no one_/--listen--no one1 no matter what happens1 will ever know what ,i have just done4 ,and now she1 the giver of a gift1 knelt--knelt to her adorer who was prostrated before her like a victim4 ,her shining knees touched the cheap common carpet4 ,her chastity clothed her like a beautiful garment4 ,she murmured broken words of gratitude1 as though she felt that what she was doing was higher than her duty and more beautiful1 and that it glorified her4 4 4 4 4 4 ,after she dressed and left the room without their having dared to say anything to each other1 ,i wavered between two doubts4 ,was she right1 or was she wrong8 ,i saw the man cry and ,i heard him mutter3 ,now ,i shall not be able to die4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,the man was lying in bed4 ,they moved about him carefully4 ,he stirred faintly1 said a few words1 asked for a drink1 smiled and then became silent under the rush of thoughts4 ,that morning they had seen him fold his hands1 and they had asked him whether he wanted them to send for a priest4 ,yes--no1 he said4 ,they went out1 and a few minutes later1 as if he had been waiting outside the door1 a dark-robed priest entered4 ,the two were left alone together4 ,the dying man turned his face toward the newcomer4 ,i am going to die1 he said4 ,what is your religion8 asked the priest4 ,the religion of my own country1 the ,greek ,orthodox ,church4 ,that is a heresy which you must instantly abjure4 ,there is only one true religion1 the ,roman ,catholic religion4 ,confess now4 ,i will absolve you and baptise you4 ,the other did not reply4 ,tell me what sins you have committed4 ,you will repent and everything will be forgiven you4 ,my sins8 ,try to remember4 ,shall ,i help you8 ,he nodded toward the door4 ,who is that person8 ,my--wife1 said the man with slight hesitation1 which did not escape the priest1 who was leaning over him with ears pricked4 ,he smelt a rat4 ,how long has she been your wife8 ,two days4 ,oh1 two days6 ,now ,i have struck it4 ,and before that1 you sinned with her8 ,no1 said the man4 ,the priest was put out of countenance4 ,well1 ,i suppose you are not lying4 ,why didn't you sin8 ,it is unnatural4 ,after all1 he insisted1 you are a man4 ,the sick man was bewildered and began to get excited4 ,seeing this1 the priest said3 ,do not be surprised1 my son1 if my questions are direct and to the point4 ,i ask you in all simplicity1 as is my august duty as a priest4 ,answer me in the same simple spirit1 and you will enter into communion with ,god1 he added1 not without kindness4 ,she is a young girl1 said the old man4 ,i took her under my protection when she was quite a child4 ,she shared the hardships of my traveller's life1 and took care of me4 ,i married her before my death because ,i am rich and she is poor4 ,was that the only reason--no other reason at all8 ,he fixed his look searchingly on the dying man's face1 then said1 ,eh8 smiling and winking an eye1 almost like an accomplice4 ,i love her1 said the man4 ,at last1 you are confessing6 cried the priest4 ,he buried his eyes in the eyes of the dying man4 ,the things he said fairly hit him as he lay there4 ,so you desired this woman1 the flesh of this woman1 and for a long time committed a sin in spirit8 ,didn't you8 ,eh8 ,tell me1 when you were travelling together1 how did you arrange for rooms and beds in the hotels8 ,you say she took care of you8 ,what did she have to do for you8 ,the two men scanned each other's faces keenly1 and ,i saw the misunderstanding between them growing4 ,the dying man withdrew into himself and became hardened1 incredulous before this stranger1 with the vulgar appearance1 in whose mouth the words of ,god and truth assumed a grotesque aspect4 ,however1 he made an effort3 ,if ,i have sinned in spirit1 to use your words1 he said1 it proves that ,i have not sinned in reality1 and why should ,i repent of what was suffering pure and simple8 ,no theories now4 ,we are not here for theorising4 ,i tell you1 a sin committed in spirit is committed in intention1 and therefore in effect1 and must be confessed and redeemed4 ,tell me how often you succumbed to guilty thoughts4 ,give me details4 ,but ,i resisted1 moaned the unfortunate man4 ,that is all ,i have to say4 ,that is not enough4 ,the stain--you are now convinced1 ,i presume1 of the justice of the term--the stain ought to be washed out by the truth4 ,very well1 said the dying man4 ,i confess ,i have committed the sin1 and ,i repent of it4 ,that is not a confession1 and is none of my business1 retorted the priest4 ,now tell me1 under exactly what circumstances did you yield to temptation with that person1 to the suggestions of the evil spirit8 ,the man was swept by a wave of rebellion4 ,he half rose and leaned on his elbow1 glaring at the stranger1 who returned his look steadily4 ,why have ,i the evil spirit in me8 he demanded4 ,you are not the only one4 ,all men have it4 ,then it is ,god who put it into them1 since it is ,god who made them4 ,ah1 you are a debater6 ,well1 if it gives you pleasure1 ,i will answer you4 ,man has both the spirit of good and the spirit of evil in him1 that is to say1 the possibility of doing the one or the other4 ,if he succumbs to evil1 he is damned4 ,if he triumphs over it1 he is rewarded4 ,to be saved1 he must earn salvation by struggling with all his powers4 ,what powers8 ,virtue and faith4 ,and if he does not have enough virtue and faith1 is that his fault8 ,yes1 because that comes from his having too much iniquity and blindness in his soul4 ,the man sat up again1 seized by a new fit of anger which consumed him like a fever4 ,ah1 he said1 original sin6 ,there's nothing that can excuse the suffering of good people on earth4 ,it is an abomination4 ,the priest looked at the rebellious man blankly4 ,how else could souls be tried8 he said quite calmly4 ,nothing can excuse the suffering of the good4 ,god's designs are inscrutable4 ,the dying man flung out his emaciated arms4 ,his eyes became hollow4 ,you are a liar6 ,enough1 said the priest4 ,i have listened patiently to your ramblings and feel sorry for you4 ,but there's no good arguing4 ,you must prepare to appear before ,god1 from whom you seem to have lived apart4 ,if you have suffered1 you will be consoled in ,his bosom4 ,let that suffice for you4 ,the invalid fell back and lay still for a while4 ,he remained motionless under the white spread1 like a reclining sepulchral statue of marble with a face of bronze4 ,he regained his voice4 ,god cannot console me4 ,my son1 my son1 what are you saying8 ,god cannot console me1 because ,he cannot give me what ,i want4 ,ah1 my poor child1 how far gone you are in your blindness6 ,why did you have me summoned8 ,i had hopes1 ,i had hopes4 ,hopes8 ,hopes of what8 ,i do not know4 ,the things we hope for are always the things we do not know4 ,his hands wavered in the air1 then fell down again4 ,time is passing1 said the priest and began all over again4 ,tell me the circumstances of your sin4 ,tell me4 ,when you were alone with this person1 when you two were close together1 did you talk to each other1 or did you keep quiet8 ,i do not believe in you1 said the man4 ,the priest frowned4 ,repent1 and tell me that you believe in the ,catholic religion1 which will save you4 ,but the other man shook his head in utter anguish and denied all his happiness4 ,religion-- he began4 ,the priest interrupted brutally4 ,you are not going to start over again6 ,keep quiet4 ,all your arguments are worthless4 ,begin by _/believing_/ in religion and then you will see what it means4 ,i have come to force you to believe4 ,it was a duel to the end4 ,the two men at the edge of the grave glared at each other like enemies4 ,you must believe4 ,i do not believe4 ,you must4 ,you would make truth different from what it is by threats4 ,yes4 ,he stressed the clear1 elementary command4 ,whether you are convinced or not1 believe4 ,evidence does not count4 ,the one important thing is faith4 ,god does not deign to convince the incredulous4 ,these are no longer the days of miracles4 ,the only miracle is in our hearts1 and it is faith4 ,believe6 ,he hurled the same word ceaselessly1 like stones4 ,my son1 he continued1 more solemnly1 standing up1 with his large fat hand uplifted1 ,i exact of you an act of faith4 ,get out6 said the man1 with hatred4 ,but the priest did not stir4 ,goaded by the urgence of the case1 impelled by the necessity of saving this soul in spite of itself1 he became implacable4 ,you are going to die1 he said1 you are going to die4 ,you have only a few more minutes to live4 ,submit4 ,no1 said the man4 ,the black-robed priest caught hold of both his hands4 ,submit4 ,no discussion4 ,you are losing precious time4 ,all your reasoning is of no account4 ,we are alone1 you and ,i before ,god4 ,he shook his head with the low bulging forehead1 the prominent fleshy nose1 wide moist nostrils dark with snuff1 thin yellow lips like twine tight across two projecting teeth that showed by themselves in the darkness4 ,there were lines on his forehead and between his eyebrows and around his mouth4 ,his cheeks and chin were covered with a grey layer4 ,i represent ,god1 he said4 ,you are in my presence as if you were in the presence of ,god4 ,simply say ',i believe1' and ,i will absolve you4 ',i believe1' that is all4 ,the rest makes no difference to me4 ,he bent lower and lower1 almost gluing his face to that of the dying man1 trying to plant his absolution like a blow4 ,simply say with me1 ',our ,father1 who art in heaven4' ,i do not ask you to do anything else4 ,the sick man's face contracted4 ,no--no6 ,suddenly the priest rose with a triumphant air4 ,at last6 ,you have said it4 ,no4 ,ah6 muttered the priest between his teeth4 ,he twisted the man's hands in his4 ,you felt he would have put his arms around him to stifle him1 assassinate him if his death rattle would have brought a confession--so possessed was he with the desire to persuade him1 to snatch from him the words he had come to seek on his lips4 ,he let the withered hands go1 paced the room like a wild beast1 then came back and stationed himself in front of the bed again4 ,remember--you are going to die1 he stammered to the miserable man4 ,you will soon be in the earth4 ,say1 ',our ,father1' just these two words1 nothing else4 ,he hung over him with his eyes on his mouth1 his dark1 crouching figure like a demon lying in wait for a soul1 like the whole ,church over dying humanity4 ,say it6 ,say it6 ,say it6 ,the sick man tried to wrest himself free4 ,there was a rattle of fury in his throat4 ,with the remnant of his voice1 in a low tone1 he gasped3 ,no6 ,scoundrel6 cried the priest4 ,and he struck him in the face4 ,after that neither man made a move for a while4 ,then the priest went at it again4 ,at least you will die holding a crucifix1 he snarled4 ,he drew a crucifix from his pocket1 and put it down hard on his breast4 ,the other man shook himself in a dull horror1 as if religion were contagious1 and threw the crucifix on the floor4 ,the priest stooped1 mumbling insults4 ,carrion1 you want to die like a dog1 but ,i am here6 ,he picked up the crucifix1 and with a gleam in his eyes1 sure of crushing him1 waited for his final chance4 ,the dying man panted1 completely at the end of his strength4 ,the priest1 seeing him in his power1 laid the crucifix on his breast again4 ,this time the other man let it stay there1 unable to do anything but look at it with eyes of hatred4 ,but his eyes did not make it fall4 4 4 4 4 4 ,when the black man had gone out into the night1 and the patient little by little recovered from the struggle and felt free once more1 it occurred to me that the priest in his violence and coarseness was horribly right4 ,a bad priest8 ,no1 a good priest1 who spoke strictly according to his conscience and belief1 and tried to apply his religion simply1 such as it was1 without hypocritical concessions4 ,ignorant1 clumsy1 gross--yes1 but honest and logical even in his fearful attempt4 ,in the half-hour that ,i had listened to him1 he had tried by all the means that religion uses and recommends to follow his calling of making converts and giving absolution4 ,he had said everything that a priest cannot help saying4 ,every dogma had come out clearly and definitely from the mouth of this rough1 common hewer of wood and drawer of water for his religion4 ,if the sick man was right1 so was the priest4 4 4 4 4 4 ,what was that thing near the bed1 that thing which loomed so high and did not stir and had not been there a moment before8 ,it stood between me and the leaping flame of the candle placed near the sick man4 ,i accidentally made a little noise in leaning against the wall1 and very slowly the thing turned a face toward me with a frightened look on it that frightened me4 ,i knew that head4 ,was it not the landlord himself1 a man with peculiar ways1 whom we seldom saw8 ,he had been walking up and down the hall1 waiting for the sick man to be left alone4 ,and now he was standing beside him as he lay in bed either asleep or helpless from weakness4 ,he stretched his hand out toward a bag4 ,in doing so1 he kept his eyes on the dying man1 so that his hand missed the bag twice4 ,there was a creaking on the floor above1 and both the man and ,i trembled4 ,a door slammed4 ,he rose as if to keep back an exclamation4 ,he opened the bag slowly1 and ,i1 no longer myself1 ,i was afraid that he would not have time4 ,he drew a package out of the bag4 ,it made a slight sound4 ,when he saw the roll of banknotes in his hand1 ,i observed the extraordinary gleam on his face4 ,all the sentiments of love were there1 adoration1 mysticism1 and also brutal love1 a sort of supernatural ecstasy and the gross satisfaction that was already tasting immediate joys4 ,yes1 all the loves impressed themselves for a moment on the profound humanity of this thief's face4 ,some one was waiting for him behind the half-open door4 ,i saw an arm beckoning to him4 ,he went out on tiptoe1 first slowly1 then quickly4 ,i am an honest man1 and yet ,i held my breath along with him4 ,i _/understood_/ him4 ,there is no use finding excuses for myself4 ,with a horror and a joy akin to his1 ,i was an accomplice in his robbery4 ,all thefts are induced by passion1 even that one1 which was cowardly and vulgar4 ,oh1 his look of inextinguishable love for the treasure suddenly snatched up4 ,all offences1 all crimes are outrages accomplished in the image of the immense desire for theft1 which is the very essence and form of our naked soul4 ,does that mean that we must absolve criminals1 and that punishment is an injustice8 ,no1 we must protect ourselves4 ,since society rests upon honesty1 we must punish criminals to reduce them to impotence1 and above all to strike them with terror1 and halt others on the threshold of evil deeds4 ,but once the crime is established1 we must not look for excuses for it4 ,we run the danger then of always finding excuses4 ,we must condemn it in advance1 by virtue of a cold principle4 ,justice should be as cold as steel4 ,but justice is not a virtue1 as its name seems to indicate4 ,it is an organisation the virtue of which is to be feelingless4 ,it does not aim at expiation4 ,its function is to establish warning examples1 to make of the criminal a thing to frighten off others4 ,nobody1 nothing has the right to exact expiation4 ,besides1 no one can exact it4 ,vengeance is too remote from the act and falls1 so to speak1 upon another person4 ,expiation1 then1 is a word that has no application in the world4 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,he was very1 very weak and lay absolutely still and silent1 chained fast by the baleful weight of his flesh4 ,death had already put an end to even his faintest quiverings4 ,his wonderful companion sat exactly where his fixed eyes fell on her1 at the foot of the bed4 ,she held her arms resting on the base board of the bed with her beautiful hands drooping4 ,her profile sloped downward slightly1 that fine design1 that delicate etching of eternal sweetness upon the gentle background of the evening4 ,under the dainty arch of her eyebrows her large eyes swam clear and pure1 miniature skies4 ,the exquisite skin of her cheeks and forehead gleamed faintly1 and her luxuriant hair1 which ,i had seen flowing1 gracefully encircled her brow1 where her thoughts dwelt invisible as ,god4 ,she was alone with the man who lay there as if already in his grave--she who had wished to cling to him by a thrill and to be his chaste widow when he died4 ,he and ,i saw nothing on earth except her face4 ,and in truth1 there was nothing else to be seen in the deep shadows of the evening4 ,a voice came from the bed4 ,i scarcely recognised it4 ,i haven't said everything yet that ,i want to say1 said the voice4 ,anna bent over the bed as if it were the edge of a coffin to catch the words that were to issue for the last time1 no doubt1 from the motionless and almost formless body4 ,shall ,i have the time8 ,shall ,i8 ,it was difficult to catch the whisper1 which almost stuck in his throat4 ,then his voice accustomed itself to existence again and became distinct4 ,i should like to make a confession to you1 ,anna4 ,i do not want this thing to die with me4 ,i am sorry to let this memory be snuffed out4 ,i am sorry for it4 ,i hope it will never die4 ,i loved once before ,i loved you4 ,yes1 ,i loved the girl4 ,the image ,i have left of her is a sad1 gentle one4 ,i should like to snatch it from death4 ,i am giving it to you because you happen to be here4 ,he gathered himself together to have a clear vision of the woman of whom he was speaking4 ,she was fair-haired and fair-skinned1 he said4 ,you needn't be jealous1 ,anna4 7,people are jealous sometimes even when they are not in love47 ,it was a few years after you were born4 ,you were a little child then1 and nobody turned to look at you on the streets except the mothers4 ,we were engaged in the ancestral park of her parents4 ,she had bright curls tied with ribbons4 ,i pranced on horseback for her4 ,she smiled for me4 ,i was young and strong then1 full of hope and full of the beginning of things4 ,i thought ,i was going to conquer the world1 and even had the choice of the means to conquer it4 ,alas1 all ,i did was to cross hastily over its surface4 ,she was younger than ,i1 a bud so recently1 blown1 that one day1 ,i remember1 ,i saw her doll lying on the bench that we were sitting on4 ,we used to say to each other1 ',we shall come back to this park when we are old1 shall we not8' ,we loved each other--you understand--,i have no time to tell you1 but you understand1 ,anna1 that these few relics of memory that ,i give you at random are beautiful1 incredibly beautiful4 ,she died the very day in spring when the date of our wedding was set4 ,we were both taken sick with a disease that was epidemic that year in our country1 and she did not have the strength to escape the monster4 ,that was twenty-five years ago4 ,twenty-five years1 ,anna1 between her death and mine4 ,and now here is the most precious secret1 her name4 ,he whispered it4 ,i did not catch it4 ,say it over again1 ,anna4 ,she repeated it1 vague syllables which ,i caught without being able to unite them into a word4 ,i confide the name to you because you are here4 ,if you were not here1 ,i should tell it to anyone1 no matter whom1 provided that would save it4 ,he added in an even1 measured voice1 to make it hold out until the end3 ,i have something else to confess1 a wrong and a misfortune4 ,didn't you confess it to the priest8 she asked in surprise4 ,i hardly told him anything1 was all he replied4 ,and he resumed1 speaking calmly1 with his full voice3 ,i wrote poems during our engagement1 poems about ourselves4 ,the manuscript was named after her4 ,we read the poems together1 and we both liked and admired them4 ',beautiful1 beautiful6' she would say1 clapping her hands1 whenever ,i showed her a new poem4 ,and when we were together1 the manuscript was always with us--the most beautiful book that had ever been written1 we thought4 ,she did not want the poems to be published and get away from us4 ,one day in the garden she told me what she wanted4 ',never6 ,never6' she said over and over again1 like an obstinate1 rebellious child1 tossing her dainty head with its dancing hair4 ,the man's voice became at once surer and more tremulous1 as he filled in and enlivened certain details in the old story4 ,another time1 in the conservatory1 when it had been raining monotonously since morning1 she asked1 ',philip'--she used to pronounce my name just the way you do4 ,he paused1 himself surprised by the primitive simplicity of what he had just expressed4 ',do you know1' she asked1 'the story of the ,english painter ,rossetti8' and she told me the episode1 which had so vividly impressed her1 how ,rossetti had promised the lady he loved to let her keep forever the manuscript of the book he had written for her1 and if she died1 to lay it beside her in her coffin4 ,she died1 and he actually carried out his promise and buried the manuscript with her4 ,but later1 bitten by the love of glory1 he violated his promise and the tomb4 ',you will let me have your book if ,i die before you1 and will not take it back1 will you1 ,philip8' ,and ,i promised laughingly1 and she laughed too4 ,i recovered from my illness slowly4 ,when ,i was strong enough1 they told me that she had died4 ,when ,i was able to go out1 they took me to the tomb1 the vast family sepulchre which somewhere hid her new little coffin4 ,there's no use my telling you how miserable ,i was and how ,i grieved for her4 ,everything reminded me of her4 ,i was full of her1 and yet she was no more6 ,as ,i recovered from the illness1 during which my memory had faded1 each detail brought me a recollection4 ,my grief was a fearful reawakening of my love4 ,the sight of the manuscript brought my promise back to me4 ,i put it in a box without reading it again1 although ,i had forgotten it1 things having been blotted out of my mind during my convalescence4 ,i had the slab removed and the coffin opened1 and a servant put the book in her hands4 ,i lived4 ,i worked4 ,i tried to write a book4 ,i wrote dramas and poems4 ,but nothing satisfied me1 and gradually ,i came to want our book back4 ,i knew it was beautiful and sincere and vibrant with the two hearts that had given themselves to each other4 ,then1 like a coward1 three years afterward1 ,i tried to re-write it--to show it to the world4 ,anna1 you must have pity on us all6 ,but ,i must say it was not only the desire for glory and praise1 as in the case of the ,english artist1 which impelled me to close my ears to the sweet1 gentle voice out of the past1 so strong in its powerlessness1 ',you will not take it back from me1 will you1 ,philip8' ,it was not only for the sake of showing off in a book of great beauty4 ,it was also to refresh my memory1 for all our love was in that book4 ,i did not succeed in reconstructing the poems4 ,the weakening of my faculties soon after they were written1 the three years afterward during which ,i made a devout effort not to revive the poems even in thought1 since they were not to keep on living--all this had actually wiped the book out of my mind4 ,it was with difficulty that ,i recalled-- and then only by chance--the mere titles of some of the poems1 or a few of the verses4 ,of some parts1 all ,i retained was just a confused echo4 ,i needed the manuscript itself1 which was in the tomb4 ,one night1 ,i felt myself going there4 ,i felt myself going there after periods of hesitation and inward struggles which it is useless to tell you about because the struggles themselves were useless4 ,i thought of the other man1 of the ,englishman1 of my brother in misery and crime as ,i walked along the length of the cemetery wall while the wind froze my legs4 ,i kept saying to myself it was not the same thing1 and this insane assurance was enough to make me keep on4 ,i asked myself if ,i should take a light4 ,with a light it would be quick4 ,i should see the box at once and should not have to touch anything else--but then ,i should see _/everything6_/ ,i preferred to grope in the dark4 ,i had rubbed a handkerchief sprinkled with perfume over my face1 and ,i shall never forget the deception of this odour4 ,for an instant1 in the stupefaction of my terror1 ,i did not recognise the first thing ,i touched--her necklace--,i saw it again on her living body4 ,the box6 ,the corpse gave it to me with a squashing sound4 ,something grazed me faintly4 ,i had meant to tell you only a few things1 ,anna4 ,i thought ,i should not have time to tell you how everything happened4 ,but it is better so1 better for me that you should know all4 ,life1 which has been so cruel to me1 is kind at this moment when you are listening1 you who will live4 ,and my desire to express what ,i felt1 to revive the past1 which made of me a being accursed during the days ,i am telling you about1 is a benefit this evening which passes from me to you1 and from you to me4 ,the young woman was bending toward him attentively4 ,she was motionless and silent4 ,what could she have said1 what could she have done1 that would have been sweeter than her silent attention8 ,the rest of the night ,i read the stolen manuscript4 ,was it not the only way to forget her death and think of her life8 ,i soon saw that the poems were not what ,i had thought them to be4 ,they game me a growing impression of being confused and much too lengthy4 ,the book so long adored was no better than what ,i had done afterwards4 ,i recalled1 step by step1 the background1 the occasion1 the vanished gesture that had inspired these verses1 and in spite of their resurrection1 ,i found them undeniably commonplace and extravagant4 ,an icy despair gripped me1 as ,i bent my head over these remains of song4 ,their sojourn in the tomb seemed to have deformed and crushed the life out of my verses4 ,they were as miserable as the wasted hand from which ,i had taken them4 ,they had been so sweet6 ',beautiful1 beautiful6' the happy little voice had cried so many times while she clasped her hands in admiration4 ,it was because her voice and the poems had been vibrating with life and because the ardour and delirium of our love had adorned my rhymes with all their charms1 that they seemed so beautiful4 ,but all that was past1 and in reality our love was no more4 ,it was oblivion that ,i read at the same time as ,i read my book4 ,yes1 death had been contagious4 ,my verses had remained there too long1 sleeping down below there in awful peace--in the sepulchre into which ,i should never have dared to enter if love had still been alive4 ,she was indeed dead4 ,i thought of what a useless and sacrilegious thing ,i had done and how useless and sacrilegious everything is that we promise and swear to here below4 ,she was indeed dead4 ,how ,i cried that night4 ,it was my true night of mourning4 ,when you have just lost a beloved there is a wretched moment1 after the brutal shock1 when you begin to understand that all is over1 and blank despair surrounds you and looms like a giant4 ,that night was a moment of such despair when ,i was under the sway of my crime and the disenchantment of my poems1 greater than the crime1 greater than everything4 ,i saw her again4 ,how pretty she was1 with her bright1 lively ways1 her animated charm1 her rippling laugh1 the endless number of questions she was always asking4 ,i saw her again in the sunlight on the bright lawn4 ,she was wearing a dress of old rose satin1 and she bent over and smoothed the soft folds of her skirt and looked at her little feet4 7,near us was the whiteness of a statue47 ,i remembered how once ,i had for fun tried to find a single flaw in her complexion4 ,not a spot on forehead1 cheek1 chin--anywhere4 ,her skin was as smooth as if it had been polished4 ,i felt as though that exquisite delicate face were something ever in flight that had paused for an instant for my sake1 and ,i stammered1 almost with tears in my voice1 ',it is too much6 ,it is too much6' ,everybody looked on her as a princess4 ,in the streets of the town the shopkeepers were glad to see her pass by4 ,did she not have a queenly air as she sat half-reclining on the great carved stone bench in the park1 that great stone bench which was now a kind of empty tomb8 ,for a moment in the midst of time ,i knew how much ,i had loved her1 she who had been alive and who was dead1 who had been the sun and who was now a kind of obscure spring under the earth4 ,and ,i also mourned the human heart4 ,that night ,i understood the extremes of what ,i had felt4 ,then the inevitable forgetfulness came1 the time came when it did not sadden me to remember that ,i had mourned4 4 4 4 4 4 ,that is the confession ,i wanted to make to you1 ,anna4 ,i wanted this story of love1 which is a quarter of a century old1 never to end4 ,it was so real and thrilling1 it was such a big thing1 that ,i told it to you in all simplicity1 to you who will survive4 ,after that ,i came to love you and ,i do love you4 ,i offer to you as to a sovereign the image of the little creature who will always be seventeen4 ,he sighed4 ,what he said proved to me once more the inadequacy of religion to comfort the human heart4 ,now ,i adore you and you alone--,i who adored her1 ,i whom she adored4 ,how can there possibly be a paradise where one would find happiness again8 ,his voice rose1 his inert arms trembled4 ,he came out of his profound immobility for a moment4 ,ah1 _/you_/ are the one1 _/you_/ are the one--_/you_/ alone4 ,and a great cry of impotence broke from him4 ,anna1 ,anna1 if you and ,i had been really married1 if we had lived together as man and wife1 if we had had children1 if you had been beside me as you are this evening1 but really beside me6 ,he fell back4 ,he had cried out so loud that even if there had been no breach in the wall1 ,i should have heard him in my room4 ,he voiced his whole dream1 he threw it out passionately4 ,this sincerity1 which was indifferent to everything1 had a definite significance which bruised my heart4 ,forgive me4 ,forgive me4 ,it is almost blasphemy4 ,i could not help it4 ,he stopped4 ,you felt his will-power making his face calm1 his soul compelling him to silence1 but his eyes seemed to mourn4 ,he repeated in a lower voice1 as if to himself1 ,you6 ,you6 ,he fell asleep with ,you on his lips4 4 4 4 4 4 ,he died that night4 ,i saw him die4 ,by a strange chance he was alone at the last moment4 ,there was no death rattle1 no death agony1 properly speaking4 ,he did not claw the bedclothes with his fingers1 nor speak1 nor cry4 ,no last sigh1 no last flash4 ,he had asked ,anna for a drink4 ,as there was no more water in the room and the nurse happened to be away at that moment1 she had gone out to get some quickly4 ,she did not even shut the door4 ,the lamplight filled the room4 ,i watched the man's face and felt1 by some sign1 that the great silence at that moment was drowning him4 ,then instinctively ,i cried out to him4 ,i could not help crying out so that he should not be alone4 ,i see you6 ,my strange voice1 disused from speaking1 penetrated into the room4 ,but he died at the very instant that ,i gave him my madman's alms4 ,his head dropped back stiffly1 his eyeballs rolled4 ,anna came in again4 ,she must have caught the sound of my outcry vaguely1 for she hesitated4 ,she saw him4 ,a fearful cry burst from her with all the force of her healthy body1 a true widow's cry4 ,she dropped on her knees at the bedside4 ,the nurse came in right after her and raised her arms4 ,silence reigned1 that flashing up of incredible misery into which you sink completely in the presence of the dead1 no matter who you are or where you are4 ,the woman on her knees and the woman standing up watched the man who was stretched there1 inert as if he had never lived4 ,they were both almost dead4 ,then ,anna wept like a child4 ,she rose4 ,the nurse went to tell the others4 ,instinctively1 ,anna1 who was wearing a light waist1 picked up a black shawl that the nurse had left on a chair and put it around her4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the room1 so recently desolate1 now filled with life4 ,they lit candles everywhere1 and the stars1 visible through the window1 disappeared4 ,they knelt down1 and cried and prayed to him4 ,the dead man held command4 ,he was always on their lips4 ,servants were there whom ,i had not yet seen but whom he knew well4 ,these people around him all seemed to be lying1 as though it was they who were suffering1 they who were dying1 and he were alive4 ,he must have suffered a great deal when he died1 said the doctor1 in a low voice to the nurse1 at a moment when he was quite near me4 ,but he was so weak1 the poor man6 ,weakness does not prevent suffering except in the eyes of others1 said the doctor4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the next morning the drab light of the early day fell upon the faces and the melancholy funeral lights4 ,the coming of the day1 keen and cold1 had a depressing effect upon the atmosphere of the room1 making it heavier1 thicker4 ,a voice in a low apologetic tone for a moment interrupted the silence that had lasted for hours4 ,you mustn't open the window4 ,it isn't good for the dead body4 ,it is cold1 some one muttered4 ,two hands went up and drew a fur piece close4 ,some one rose1 and then sat down again4 ,some one else turned his head4 ,there was a sigh4 ,it was as if they had taken advantage of these few words to come out of the calm in which they had been concealed4 ,then they glanced once more at the man on the bier--motionless1 inexorably motionless4 ,i must have fallen asleep when all at once ,i heard the church bells ringing in the grey sky4 ,after that harassing night there was a relaxation from rigid attention to the stillness of death1 and an inexplicable sweetness in the ringing of the bells carried me back forcibly to my childhood4 ,i thought of the countryside where ,i used to hear the bells ringing1 of my native land1 where everything was peaceful and good1 and the snow meant ,christmas1 and the sun was a cool disk that one could and should look at4 ,the tolling of the bells was over4 ,the echo quietly died away1 and then the echo of the echo4 ,another bell struck1 sounding the hour4 ,eight o'clock1 eight sonorous detached strokes1 beating with terrible regularity1 with invincible calm1 simple1 simple4 ,i counted them1 and when they had ceased to pulsate in the air1 ,i could not help counting them over again4 ,it was time that was passing--formless time1 and the human effort that defined it and regularized it and made of it a work as of destiny4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,i was alone4 ,it was late at night1 and ,i was sitting at my table4 ,my lamp was buzzing like summer in the fields4 ,i lifted my eyes4 ,the stars studded the heavens above4 ,the city was plunged at my feet4 ,the horizon escaped from nearby into eternity4 ,the lights and shadows formed an infinite sphere around me4 ,i was not at ease that night4 ,i was a prey to an immense distress4 ,i sat as if ,i had fallen into my chair4 ,as on the first day ,i looked at my reflection in the glass1 and all ,i could do was just what ,i had done then1 simply cry1 ,i6 ,i wanted to know the secret of life4 ,i had seen men1 groups1 deeds1 faces4 ,in the twilight ,i had seen the tremulous eyes of beings as deep as wells4 ,i had seen the mouth that said in a burst of glory1 ,i am more sensitive than others4 ,i had seen the struggle to love and make one's self understood1 the refusal of two persons in conversation to give themselves to each other1 the coming together of two lovers1 the lovers with an infectious smile1 who are lovers in name only1 who bury themselves in kisses1 who press wound to wound to cure themselves1 between whom there is really no attachment1 and who1 in spite of their ecstasy deriving light from shadow1 are strangers as much as the sun and the moon are strangers4 ,i had heard those who could find no crumb of peace except in the confession of their shameful misery1 and ,i had seen faces pale and red-eyed from crying4 ,i wanted to grasp it all at the same time4 ,all the truths taken together make only one truth4 ,i had had to wait until that day to learn this simple thing4 ,it was this truth of truths which ,i needed4 ,not because of my love of mankind4 ,it is not true that we love mankind4 ,no one ever has loved1 does love1 or will love mankind4 ,it was for myself1 solely for myself1 that ,i sought to attain the full truth1 which is above emotion1 above peace1 even above life1 like a sort of death4 ,i wanted to derive guidance from it1 a faith4 ,i wanted to use it for my own good4 ,i went over the things ,i had seen since living in the boarding-house4 ,they were so numerous that ,i had become a stranger to myself4 ,i scarcely had a name any more4 ,i fairly listened to the memory of them1 and in supreme concentration ,i tried to see and understand what ,i was4 ,it would be so beautiful to know who ,i was4 ,i thought of all those wise men1 poets1 artists before me who had suffered1 wept1 and smiled on the road to truth4 ,i thought of the ,latin poet who wished to reassure and console men by showing them truth as unveiled as a statue4 ,a fragment of his prelude came to my mind1 learned long ago1 then dismissed and lost like almost everything that ,i had taken the pains to learn up till then4 ,he said he kept watch in the serene nights to find the words1 the poem in which to convey to men the ideas that would deliver them4 ,for two thousand years men have always had to be reassured and consoled4 ,for two thousand years ,i have had to be delivered4 ,nothing has changed the surface of things4 ,the teachings of ,christ have not changed the surface of things1 and would not even if men had not ruined ,his teachings so that they can no longer follow them honestly4 ,will the great poet come who shall settle the boundaries of belief and render it eternal1 the poet who will be1 not a fool1 not an ignorant orator1 but a wise man1 the great inexorable poet8 ,i do not know1 although the lofty words of the man who died in the boarding-house have given me a vague hope of his coming and the right to adore him already4 ,but what about me--me1 who am only a glance from the eye of destiny8 ,i am like a poet on the threshold of a work1 an accursed1 sterile poet who will leave no glory behind1 to whom chance _/lent_/ the truth that genius would have _/given_/ him1 a frail work which will pass away with me1 mortal and sealed to others like myself1 but a sublime work nevertheless1 which will show the essential outlines of life and relate the drama of dramas4 4 4 4 4 4 ,what am ,i8 ,i am the desire not to die4 ,i have always been impelled-- not that evening alone--by the need to construct the solid1 powerful dream that ,i shall never leave again4 ,we are all1 always1 the desire not to die4 ,this desire is as immeasurable and varied as life's complexity1 but at bottom this is what it is3 ,to continue to _/be1_/ to _/be_/ more and more1 to develop and to endure4 ,all the force we have1 all our energy and clearness of mind serve to intensify themselves in one way or another4 ,we intensify ourselves with new impressions1 new sensations1 new ideas4 ,we endeavour to take what we do not have and to add it to ourselves4 ,humanity is the desire for novelty founded upon the fear of death4 ,that is what it is4 ,i have seen it myself4 ,instinctive movements1 untrammelled utterances always tend the same way1 and the most dissimilar utterances are all alike4 4 4 4 4 4 ,but afterwards6 ,where are the words that will light the way8 ,what is humanity in the world1 and what is the world8 ,everything is within me1 and there are no judges1 and there are no boundaries and no limits to me4 ,the _/de profundis1_/ the effort not to die1 the fall of desire with its soaring cry1 all this has not stopped4 ,it is part of the immense liberty which the incessant mechanism of the human heart exercises 7always something different1 always674 ,and its expansion is so great that death itself is effaced by it4 ,for how could ,i imagine my death1 except by going outside of myself1 and looking at myself as if ,i were not ,i but somebody else8 ,we do not die4 ,each human being is alone in the world4 ,it seems absurd1 contradictory to say this1 and yet it is so4 ,but there are many human beings like me4 ,no1 we cannot say that4 ,in saying that1 we set ourselves outside the truth in a kind of abstraction4 ,all we can say is3 ,i am alone4 ,and that is why we do not die4 ,once1 bowed in the evening light1 the dead man had said1 ,after my death1 life will continue4 ,every detail in the world will continue to occupy the same place quietly4 ,all the traces of my passing will die little by little1 and the void ,i leave behind will be filled once more4 ,he was mistaken in saying so4 ,he carried all the truth with him4 ,yet we1 _/we_/ saw him die4 ,he was dead for us1 but not for himself4 ,i feel there is a fearfully difficult truth here which we must get1 a formidable contradiction4 ,but ,i hold on to the two ends of it1 groping to find out what formless language will translate it4 ,something like this3 ,every human being is the whole truth4 ,i return to what ,i heard4 ,we do not die since we are alone4 ,it is the others who die4 ,and this sentence1 which comes to my lips tremulously1 at once baleful and beaming with light1 announces that death is a false god4 ,but what of the others8 ,granted that ,i have the great wisdom to rid myself of the haunting dread of my own death1 there remains the death of others and the death of so many feelings and so much sweetness4 ,it is not the conception of truth that will change sorrow4 ,sorrow1 like joy1 is absolute4 ,and yet6 ,the infinite grandeur of our misery becomes confused with glory and almost with happiness1 with cold haughty happiness4 ,was it out of pride or joy that ,i began to smile when the first white streaks of dawn turned my lamp pale and ,i saw ,i was alone in the universe8 ,,chapter ,,xv ,it was the first time ,i had seen her in mourning1 and that evening her youth shone more resplendent than ever4 ,her departure was close at hand4 ,she looked about to see if she had left anything behind in the room1 which had been made ready for other people1 the room which was already formless1 already abandoned4 ,the door opened4 ,the young woman turned her head4 ,a man appeared in the sunny doorway4 ,michel1 ,michel1 ,michel6 she cried4 ,she stretched out her arms1 hesitated1 and for a few seconds remained motionless as light1 with her full gaze upon him4 ,then1 in spite of where she was and the purity of her heart and the chastity of her whole life1 her legs shook and she was on the verge of falling over4 ,he threw his hat on the bed with a sweeping romantic gesture4 ,he filled the room with his presence1 with his weight4 ,his footsteps made the floor creak4 ,he kept her from falling4 ,tall as she was1 he was a whole head taller4 ,his marked features were hard and remarkably fine4 ,his face under a heavy head of black hair was bright and clean1 as though new4 ,he had a drooping moustache and full red lips4 ,he put his hands on the young woman's shoulders1 and looked at her1 in readiness for his eager embrace4 ,they held each other close1 staggering4 ,they said the same word at the same time1 ,at last6 ,that was all they said1 but they said it over and over again in a low voice1 chanting it together4 ,their eyes uttered the same sweet cry4 ,their breasts communicated it to each other4 ,it seemed to be tying them together and making them merge into one4 ,at last6 ,their long separation was over4 ,their love was victor4 ,at last they were together4 ,and ,i saw her quiver from head to foot4 ,i saw her whole body welcome him while her eyes opened and then closed on him again4 ,they made a great effort to speak to each other4 ,the few shreds of conversation held them back a moment4 ,how ,i waited for you6 ,how ,i longed for you6 he stammered4 ,i thought of you all the time4 ,i saw you all the time4 ,your smile was everywhere4 ,he lowered his voice and added1 ,sometimes when people were talking commonplaces and your name happened to be mentioned1 it would go through my heart like an electric current4 ,he panted4 ,his deep voice burst into sonorous tones4 ,he seemed unable to speak low4 ,often ,i used to sit on the brick balustrade at the top of the terrace of our house overlooking the ,channel1 with my face in my hands1 wondering where you were4 ,but it did not matter how far away you were1 ,i could not help seeing you all the same4 ,and often ,i1 said ,anna1 bending her head1 would sit at the open window warm evenings1 thinking of you4 ,sometimes the air was of a suffocating sweetness1 as it was two months ago at the ,villa of the ,roses4 ,tears would come to my eyes4 ,you used to cry8 ,yes1 she said in a low voice1 for joy4 ,their mouths joined1 their two small purple mouths of exactly the same colour4 ,they were almost indistinguishable from each other1 tense in the creative silence of the kiss1 a single dark stream of flesh4 ,then he drew away a little to get a better look at her1 and the next moment caught her in his arms and held her close4 ,his words fell on her like hammer blows4 ,down there the scent of the sap and the flowers from the many gardens near the coast used to intoxicate me1 and ,i wanted to burrow my fingers in the dark burning earth4 ,i would roam about and try to remember your face1 and draw in the perfume of your body4 ,i would stretch my arms out in the air to touch as much as possible of your sunlight4 ,i knew you were waiting for me and that you loved me1 she said1 in a voice gentler but just as deep with emotion4 ,i saw you in your absence4 ,and often1 when the light of dawn entered my room and touched me1 ,i thought of how completely consecrated ,i was to your love4 ,thinking of you sometimes in my room in the evening1 ,i would admire myself4 ,a thrill went through him1 and he smiled4 ,he kept saying the same things in scarcely different words1 as if he knew nothing else4 ,he had a childish soul and a limited mind behind the perfect sculpture of his forehead and his great black eyes1 in which ,i saw distinctly the white face of the woman floating like a swan4 ,she listened to him devoutly1 her mouth half open1 her head thrown back lightly4 ,had he not held her1 she would have slipped to her knees before this god who was as beautiful as she4 ,the memory of you saddened my joys1 but consoled my sorrows4 ,i did not know which of the two said this4 ,they embraced vehemently4 ,they reeled4 ,they were like two tall flames4 ,his face burned hers1 and he cried3 ,i love you1 ,i love you6 ,all through my sleepless nights of longing for you--oh1 what a crucifixion my solitude was6 ,be mine1 ,anna6 ,she radiated consent1 but her eyes faltered1 and she glanced round the room4 ,let us respect this room1 she breathed4 ,then she was ashamed at having refused1 and immediately stammered1 ,excuse me4 ,the man also looked around the room4 ,his forehead darkened with a savage frown of suspicion1 and the superstition of his race shone in his eyes4 ,it was here--that he died8 ,no1 she said4 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 99 ,afterwards they did as the others had done1 as human beings always do1 as they themselves would do many times again in the strange future--they sat with their eyes half-closed and the same uneasy look of shame and terror in them as ,amy and her lover4 ,but these two required no artificial stimulus for their love4 ,they had no need of the night4 ,and they felt no culpability4 ,they were two grand young creatures1 driven together naturally by the very force of their love1 and their ardour cleansed everything1 like fire4 ,they were innocent4 ,they had no regrets and felt no remorse4 ,they thought they were united4 ,he took her soft hand in his dark hand1 and said3 ,now you are mine for always4 ,you have made me know divine ecstasy4 ,you have my heart and ,i have yours4 ,you are my wife forever4 ,you are everything to me1 she answered4 ,they went forth into life like a couple in legend1 inspired and rosy with anticipation--he1 the knight with no shadows falling on him except the dark of his hair1 helmeted or plumed1 and she1 the priestess of the pagan gods1 the spirit of nature4 ,they would shine in the sunlight4 ,they would see nothing around them1 blinded by the daylight4 ,they would undergo no struggles except the strife of the sexes and the spying of jealousy2 for lovers are enemies rather than friends4 ,i followed them with my eyes going through life1 which would be nothing to them but fields1 mountains1 or forests4 ,i saw them veiled in a kind of light1 sheltered from darkness1 protected for a time against the fearful spell of memory and thought4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i sat down and leaned on my elbows4 ,i thought of myself4 ,where was ,i now after all this8 ,what was ,i going to do in life8 ,i did not know4 ,i would look about and would surely find something4 ,so1 sitting there1 ,i quietly indulged in hopes4 ,i must have no more sadness1 no more anguish and fever4 ,if the rest of my life was to pass in calm1 in peace1 ,i must go far1 far away from all those awful serious things1 the sight of which was terrible to bear4 ,somewhere ,i would lead a wise1 busy life--and earn my living regularly4 ,and you1 you will be beside me1 my sister1 my child1 my wife4 ,you will be poor so as to be more like all other women4 ,in order for us to be able to live together ,i shall work all day and so be your servant4 ,you will work affectionately for us both in this room1 and in my absence there will be nothing beside you but the pure1 simple presence of your sewing machine4 ,you will keep the sort of order by which nothing is forgotten1 you will practice patience which is as long as life1 and maternity which is as heavy as the world4 ,i shall come in1 ,i shall open the door in the dark1 ,i shall hear you come from the next room1 bringing the lamp4 ,a dawn will announce you4 ,you will tell me the quiet story of your day's work1 without any object except to give me your thoughts and your life4 ,you will speak of your childhood memories4 ,i shall not understand them very well because you will be able to give me1 perforce1 only insufficient details1 but ,i shall love your sweet strange language4 ,we shall speak of the child we shall have1 and you will bend your head and your neck1 white as milk1 and in our minds we shall hear the rocking of the cradle like a rustling of wings4 ,and when we are tired out1 and even after we have grown old1 we shall dream afresh along with our child4 ,after this revery our thoughts will not stray1 but linger tenderly4 ,in the evening we shall think of the night4 ,you will be full of a happy thought4 ,your inner life will be gay and shining1 not because of what you see1 but because of your heart4 ,you will beam as blind people beam4 ,we shall sit up facing each other4 ,but little by little1 as it gets late1 our words will become fewer and less intelligible4 ,sleep will lay bare your soul4 ,you will fall asleep over the table1 you will feel me watching over you more and more4 ,tenderness is greater than love4 ,i do not admire carnal love when it is by itself and bare4 ,i do not admire its disorderly selfish paroxysms1 so grossly short-lived4 ,and yet without love the attachment of two human beings is always weak4 ,love must be added to affection4 ,the things it contributes to a union are absolutely needed--exclusiveness1 intimacy1 and simplicity4 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,i went out on the street like an exile1 ,i who am an everyday man1 who resemble everybody else so much1 too much4 ,i went through the streets and crossed the squares with my eyes fixed upon things without seeing them4 ,i was walking1 but ,i seemed to be falling from dream to dream1 from desire to desire4 ,a door ajar1 an open window gave me a pang4 ,a woman passing by grazed against me1 a woman who told me nothing of what she might have told me4 ,i dreamed of her tragedy and of mine4 ,she entered a house1 she disappeared1 she was dead4 ,i stood still1 a prey to a thousand thoughts1 stifled in the robe of the evening4 ,from a closed window on the ground floor floated a strain of music4 ,i caught the beauty of a sonata as ,i would catch distinct human words1 and for a moment ,i listened to what the piano was confiding to the people inside4 ,then ,i sat down on a bench4 ,on the opposite side of the avenue lit by the setting sun two men also seated themselves on a bench4 ,i saw them clearly4 ,they seemed overwhelmed by the same destiny1 and a mutual sympathy seemed to unite them4 ,you could tell they liked each other4 ,one was speaking1 the other was listening4 ,i read a secret tragedy4 ,as boys they had been immensely fond of each other4 ,they had always been of the same mind and shared their ideas4 ,one of them got married1 and it was the married one who was now speaking4 ,he seemed to be feeding their common sorrow4 ,the bachelor had been in the habit of visiting his home1 always keeping his proper distance1 though perhaps vaguely loving the young wife4 ,however1 he respected her peace and her happiness4 ,the married man was telling him that his wife had ceased to love him1 while he still adored her with his whole being4 ,she had lost interest in him1 and turned away from him4 ,she did not laugh and did not smile except when there were other people present4 ,he spoke of this grief1 this wound to his love1 to his right4 ,his right6 ,he had unconsciously believed that he had a right over her1 and he lived in this belief4 ,then he found out that he had no right4 ,here the friend thought of certain things she had said to him1 of a smile she had given him4 ,although he was good and modest and still perfectly pure1 a warm1 irresistible hope insinuated itself into his heart4 ,listening to the story of despair that his friend confided to him1 he raised his face bit by bit and gave the woman a smile4 ,and nothing could keep that evening1 now falling grey upon those two men1 from being at once an end and a beginning4 ,a couple1 a man and a woman--poor human beings almost always go in pairs--approached1 and passed4 ,i saw the empty space between them4 ,in life's tragedy1 separation is the only thing one sees4 ,they had been happy1 and they were no longer happy4 ,they were almost old already4 ,he did not care for her1 although they were growing old together4 ,what were they saying8 ,in a moment of open-heartedness1 trusting to the peacefulness reigning between them at that time1 he owned up to an old transgression1 to a betrayal scrupulously and religiously hidden until then4 ,alas1 his words brought back an irreparable agony4 ,the past1 which had gently lain dead1 rose to life again for suffering4 ,their former happiness was destroyed4 ,the days gone by1 which they had believed happy1 were made sad2 and that is the woe in everything4 ,this couple was effaced by another1 a young one1 whose conversation ,i also imagined4 ,they were beginning1 they were going to love4 ,their hearts were so shy in finding each other4 ,do you want me to go on that trip8 ,shall ,i do this and that8 ,she answered1 ,no4 ,an intense feeling of modesty gave this first avowal of love so humbly solicited the form of a disavowal4 ,but yet they were already thinking of the full flower of their love4 ,other couples passed by1 and still others4 ,this one now--he talking1 she saying nothing4 ,it was difficult for him to master himself4 ,he begged her to tell him what she was thinking of4 ,she answered4 ,he listened4 ,then1 as if she had said nothing1 he begged her again1 still harder1 to tell him4 ,there he was1 uncertain1 oscillating between night and day4 ,all he needed was for her to say one word1 if he only believed it4 ,you saw him1 in the immense city1 clinging to that one being4 ,the next instant ,i was separated from these two lovers who watched and persecuted each other4 ,turn where you will1 everywhere1 the man and the woman ever confronting each other1 the man who loves a hundred times1 the woman who has the power to love so much and to forget so much4 ,i went on my way again4 ,i came and went in the midst of the naked truth4 ,i am not a man of peculiar and exceptional traits4 ,i recognise myself in everybody4 ,i have the same desires1 the same longings as the ordinary human being4 ,like everybody else ,i am a copy of the truth spelled out in the ,room1 which is1 ,i am alone and ,i want what ,i have not and what ,i shall never have4 ,it is by this need that people live1 and by this need that people die4 ,but now ,i was tired of having desired too much4 ,i suddenly felt old4 ,i should never recover from the wound in my breast4 ,the dream of peace that ,i had had a moment before attracted and tempted me only because it was far away4 ,had ,i realised it1 ,i should simply have dreamed another dream4 4 4 4 4 4 ,now ,i looked for a word4 ,the people who live my truth1 what do they say when they speak of themselves8 ,does the echo of what ,i am thinking issue from their mouths1 or error1 or falsehood8 ,night fell4 ,i looked for a word like mine1 a word to lean upon1 a word to sustain me4 ,and it seemed to me that ,i was going along groping my way as if expecting some one to come from round the corner and tell me everything4 ,i did not return to my room4 ,i did not want to leave the crowds that evening4 ,i looked for a place that was alive4 ,i went into a large restaurant so as to hear voices around me4 ,there were only a few vacant places1 and ,i found a seat in a corner near a table at which three people were dining4 ,i gave my order1 and while my eyes mechanically followed the white-gloved hand pouring soup into my plate from a silver cup1 ,i listened to the general hubbub4 ,all ,i could catch was what my three neighbours were saying4 ,they were talking of people in the place whom they knew1 then of various friends4 ,their persiflage and the consistent irony of their remarks surprised me4 ,nothing they said was worth the while1 and the evening promised to be useless like the rest4 ,a few minutes later1 the head waiter1 while serving me with filets of sole1 nodded his head and winked his eye in the direction of one of the guests4 ,m4 ,villiers1 the famous writer1 he whispered proudly4 ,i recognised ,m4 ,villiers4 ,he resembled his portraits and bore his young glory gracefully4 ,i envied that man his ability to write and say what he thought4 ,i studied his profile and admired its worldly distinction4 ,it was a fine modern profile1 the straightness of it broken by the silken point of his well-kept moustache1 by the perfect curve of his shoulder1 and by the butterfly's wing of his white necktie4 ,i lifted my glass to my lips when suddenly ,i stopped and felt all my blood rush to my heart4 ,this is what ,i heard3 ,what's the theme of the novel you're working on8 ,truth1 replied ,pierre ,villiers4 ,what8 exclaimed his friend4 ,a succession of human beings caught just as they are4 ,what subject8 somebody asked4 ,people turned and listened to him4 ,two young diners not far away stopped talking and put on an idling air1 evidently with their ears pricked4 ,in a sumptuous purple alcove1 a man in evening clothes1 with sunken eyes and drawn features1 was smoking a fat cigar1 his whole life concentrated in the fragrant glow of his tobacco4 ,his companion1 her bare elbow on the table1 enveloped in perfume and sparkling with jewels1 and overloaded with the heavy artificiality of luxury1 turned her simple moon-like face toward the speaker4 ,this is the subject1 said ,pierre ,villiers4 ,it gives me scope to amuse and tell the truth at the same time4 ,a man pierces a hole in the wall of a boarding-house room1 and watches what is going on in the next room4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i must have looked at the speakers just then with a rather sorry expression of bewilderment4 ,then ,i quickly lowered my head like a child afraid to be seen4 ,they had spoken for _/me1_/ and ,i sensed a strange secret service intrigue around me4 ,then1 in an instant this impression1 which had got the better of my common sense1 gave way4 ,evidently a pure coincidence4 ,still ,i was left with the vague apprehension that they were going to notice that ,i _/knew1_/ and were going to recognise me4 ,one of the novelist's friends begged him to tell more of his story4 ,he consented4 ,he was going to tell it in my presence6 4 4 4 4 4 ,with admirable art in the use of words1 gestures1 and mimicry1 and with a lively elegance and a contagious laugh1 he described a series of brilliant1 surprising scenes4 ,under cover of his scheme1 which brought all the scenes out into peculiar relief and gave them a special intensity1 he retailed a lot of amusing oddities1 described comical persons and things1 heaped up picturesque and piquant details1 coined typical and witty proper names1 and invented complicated and ingenious situations4 ,he succeeded in producing irresistible effects1 and the whole was in the latest style4 ,they said1 ,ah6 and ,oh6 and opened their eyes wide4 ,bravo6 ,a sure success6 ,a corking funny idea6 ,all the characters who pass before the eyes of the man spying upon them are amusing1 even the man who kills himself4 ,nothing forgotten4 ,the whole of humanity is there4 ,but ,i had not recognized a single thing in the entire show4 ,a stupor and a sort of shame overwhelmed me as ,i heard that man trying to extract the utmost entertainment possible from the dark happenings that had been torturing me for a month4 ,i thought of that great voice1 now silenced1 which had said so clearly and forcefully that the writers of to-day imitate the caricaturists4 ,i1 who had penetrated into the heart of humanity and returned again1 found nothing human in this jiggling caricature6 ,it was so superficial that it was a lie4 ,he said in front of me--of me the awful witness3 ,it is man stripped of all outward appearances that ,i want people to see4 ,others are fiction1 ,i am the truth4 ,it has a philosophical bearing1 too4 ,perhaps4 ,but that wasn't my object4 ,thank ,god1 ,i am a writer1 and not a thinker4 ,and he continued to travesty the truth1 and ,i was impotent--the truth1 that profound thing whose voice was in my ears1 whose shadow was in my eyes1 and whose taste was in my mouth4 ,was ,i so utterly forsaken8 ,would no one speak the word ,i was in search of8 4 4 4 4 4 ,the ,room was flooded with moonlight4 ,in that magnificent setting there was an obscure white couple1 two silent human beings with marble faces4 ,the fire was out4 ,the clock had finished its work and had stopped1 and was listening with its heart4 ,the man's face dominated4 ,the woman was at his feet4 ,they did nothing4 ,an air of tenderness hovered over them4 ,they looked like monuments gazing at the moon4 ,he spoke4 ,i recognised his voice4 ,it lit up his face for me1 which had been shrouded from my sight before4 ,it was _/he1_/ the nameless lover and poet whom ,i had seen twice before4 ,he was telling ,amy that on his way that evening he had met a poor woman1 with her baby in her arms4 ,she walked1 jostled and borne along by the crowd returning home from work1 and finally was tossed aside up against a post under a porch1 and stopped as though nailed there4 ,i went up to her1 he said1 and saw she was smiling4 4 4 4 4 4 ,what was she smiling at8 ,at life1 on account of her child4 ,under the refuge where she was cowering1 facing the setting sun1 she was thinking of the growth of her child in the days to come4 ,however terrible they might be1 they would be around him1 for him1 in him4 ,they would be the same thing as her breath1 her walk1 her look4 ,so profound was the smile of this creator who bore her burden and who raised her head and gazed into the sun1 without even looking down at the child or listening to its babbling4 ,i worked this woman and child up into a poem4 ,he remained motionless for a moment1 then said gently without pausing1 in that voice from the ,beyond which we assume when we recite1 obeying what we say and no longer mastering it3 ,the woman from the depths of her rags1 a waif1 a martyr--smiled4 ,she must have a divine heart to be so tired and yet smile4 ,she loved the sky1 the light1 which the unformed little being would love some day4 ,she loved the chilly dawn1 the sultry noontime1 the dreamy evening4 ,the child would grow up1 a saviour1 to give life to everything again4 ,starting at the dark bottom he would ascend the ladder and begin life over again1 life1 the only paradise there is1 the bouquet of nature4 ,he would make beauty beautiful4 ,he would make eternity over again with his voice and his song4 ,and clasping the new-born infant close1 she looked at all the sunlight she had given the world4 ,her arms quivered like wings4 ,she dreamed in words of fondling4 ,she fascinated all the passersby that looked at her4 ,and the setting sun bathed her neck and head in a rosy reflection4 ,she was like a great rose that opens its heart to the whole world4 ,the poet seemed to be searching for something1 to be seeing things1 and believing infinitely4 ,he was in another world where everything we see is true and everything we say is unforgettable4 ,amy was still on her knees with eyes upraised to his4 ,she was all attention1 filled with it like a precious vase4 ,but her smile1 he went on1 was not only in wonder about the future4 ,there was also something tragic in it1 which pierced my heart4 ,i understood it perfectly4 ,she adored life1 but she detested men and was afraid of them1 always on account of the child4 ,she already disputed over him with the living1 although he himself was as yet scarcely among the living4 ,she defied them with her smile4 ,she seemed to say to them1 ',he will live in spite of you1 he will use you1 he will subdue you either to dominate you or to be loved by you4 ,he is already braving you with his tiny breath1 this little one that ,i am holding in my maternal grasp4' ,she was terrible4 ,at first1 ,i had seen her as an angel of goodness4 ,now1 although she had not changed1 she was like an angel of mercilessness and vengeance4 ,i saw a sort of hatred for those who would trouble him distort her face1 resplendent with superhuman maternity4 ,her cruel heart was full of one heart only4 ,it foresaw sin and shame4 ,it hated men and settled accounts with them like a destroying angel4 ,she was the mother with fearful nails1 standing erect1 and laughing with a torn mouth4 ,amy gazed at her lover in the moonlight4 ,it seemed to me that her looks and his words mingled4 ,i come back as ,i always do to the greatness of mankind's curse1 and ,i repeat it with the monotony of those who are always right--oh1 without ,god1 without a harbour1 without enough rags to cover us1 all we have1 standing erect on the land of the dead1 is the rebellion of our smile1 the rebellion of being gay when darkness envelops us4 ,we are divinely alone1 the heavens have fallen on our heads4 ,the heavens have fallen on our heads6 ,what a tremendous idea6 ,it is the loftiest cry that life hurls4 ,that was the cry of deliverance for which ,i had been groping until then4 ,i had had a foreboding it would come1 because a thing of glory like a poet's song always gives something to us poor living shadows1 and human thought always reveals the world4 ,but ,i needed to have it said explicitly so as to bring human misery and human grandeur together4 ,i needed it as a key to the vault of the heavens4 ,these heavens1 that is to say1 the azure that our eyes enshrine1 purity1 plenitude--and the infinite number of suppliants1 the sky of truth and religion4 ,all this is within us1 and has fallen upon our heads4 ,and ,god ,himself1 who is all these kinds of heavens in one1 has fallen on our heads like thunder1 and ,his infinity is ours4 ,we have the divinity of our great misery4 ,and our solitude1 with its toilsome ideas1 tears and laughter1 is fatally divine4 ,however wrong we may go in the dark1 whatever our efforts in the dark and the useless work of our hearts working incessantly1 and whatever our ignorance left to itself1 and whatever the wounds that other human beings are1 we ought to study ourselves with a sort of devotion4 ,it is this sentiment that lights our foreheads1 uplifts our souls1 adorns our pride1 and1 in spite of everything1 will console us when we shall become accustomed to holding1 each at his own poor task1 the whole place that ,god used to occupy4 ,the truth itself gives an effective1 practical1 and1 so to speak1 religious caress to the suppliant in whom the heavens spread4 4 4 4 4 4 ,i have such respect for the actual truth that there are moments when ,i do not dare to call things by their name1 the poet ended4 ,yes1 said ,amy1 very softly1 and nothing else4 ,she had been listening intently4 ,everything seemed to be carried away in a sort of gentle whirlwind4 ,amy1 he whispered4 ,she did not stir4 ,she had fallen asleep with her head on her lover's knees4 ,he looked at her and smiled4 ,an expression of pity and benevolence flitted across his face4 ,his hands stretched out part way toward the sleeping woman with the gentleness of strength4 ,i saw the glorious pride of condescension and charity in this man whom a woman prostrate before him deified4 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,i have given notice4 ,i am going away to-morrow evening1 ,i with my tremendous memory4 ,whatever may happen1 whatever tragedies may be reserved for me in the future1 my thought will not be graver or more important when ,i shall have lived my life with all its weight4 ,but my whole body is one pain4 ,i cannot stand on my legs any more4 ,i stagger4 ,i fall back on my bed4 ,my eyes close and fill with smarting tears4 ,i want to be crucified on the wall1 but ,i cannot4 ,my body becomes heavier and heavier and filled with sharper pain4 ,my flesh is enraged against me4 ,i hear voices through the wall4 ,the next room vibrates with a distant sound1 a mist of sound which scarcely comes through the wall4 ,i shall not be able to listen any more1 or look into the room1 or hear anything distinctly4 ,and ,i1 who have not cried since my childhood1 ,i cry now like a child because of all that ,i shall never have4 ,i cry over lost beauty and grandeur4 ,i love everything that ,i should have embraced4 ,here they will pass again1 day after day1 year after year1 all the prisoners of rooms will pass with their kind of eternity4 ,in the twilight when everything fades1 they will sit down near the light1 in the room full of haloes4 ,they will drag themselves to the window's void4 ,their mouths will join and they will grow tender4 ,they will exchange a first or a last useless glance4 ,they will open their arms1 they will caress each other4 ,they will love life and be afraid to disappear4 ,here below they will seek a perfect union of hearts4 ,up above they will seek everlastingness among the shades and a ,god in the clouds4 4 4 4 4 4 ,the monotonous murmur of voices comes through the wall steadily1 but ,i do not catch what is being said4 ,i am like anybody else in a room4 ,i am lost1 just as ,i was the evening ,i came here when ,i took possession of this room used by people who had disappeared and died--before this great change of light took place in my destiny4 ,perhaps because of my fever1 perhaps because of my lofty pain1 ,i imagine that some one there is declaiming a great poem1 that some one is speaking of ,prometheus4 ,he has stolen light from the gods4 ,in his entrails he feels the pain1 always beginning again1 always fresh1 gathering from evening to evening1 when the vulture steals to him as it would steal to its nest4 ,and you feel that we are all like ,prometheus because of desire1 but there is neither vulture nor gods4 ,there is no paradise except that which we create in the great tomb of the churches4 ,there is no hell1 no inferno except the frenzy of living4 ,there is no mysterious fire4 ,i have stolen the truth4 ,i have stolen the whole truth4 ,i have seen sacred things1 tragic things1 pure things1 and ,i was right4 ,i have seen shameful things1 and ,i was right4 ,and so ,i have entered the kingdom of truth1 if1 while preserving respect to truth and without soiling it1 we can use the expression that deceit and religious blasphemy employ4 4 4 4 4 4 ,who shall compose the ,bible of human desire1 the terrible and simple ,bible of that which drives us from life to life1 the ,bible of our doings1 our goings1 our original fall8 ,who will dare to tell everything1 who will have the genius to see everything8 ,i believe in a lofty form of poetry1 in the work in which beauty will be mingled with beliefs4 ,the more incapable of it ,i feel myself1 the more ,i believe it to be possible4 ,the sad splendour with which certain memories of mine overwhelm me1 shows me that it is possible4 ,sometimes ,i myself have been sublime1 ,i myself have been a masterpiece4 ,sometimes my visions have been mingled with a thrill of evidence so strong and so creative that the whole room has quivered with it like a forest1 and there have been moments1 in truth1 when the silence cried out4 ,but ,i have stolen all this1 and ,i have profited by it1 thanks to the shamelessness of the truth revealed4 ,at the point in space in which1 by accident1 ,i found myself1 ,i had only to open my eyes and to stretch out my mendicant hands to accomplish more than a dream1 to accomplish almost a work4 ,what ,i have seen is going to disappear1 since ,i shall do nothing with it4 ,i am like a mother the fruit of whose womb will perish after it has been born4 ,what matter8 ,i have heard the annunciation of whatever finer things are to come4 ,through me has passed1 without staying me in my course1 the ,word which does not lie1 and which1 said over again1 will satisfy4 4 4 4 4 4 ,but ,i have finished4 ,i am lying stretched out1 and now that ,i have ceased to see1 my poor eyes close like a healing wound and a scar forms over them4 ,and ,i seek assuagement for myself4 ,i6 ,the last cry1 as it was the first4 ,as for me1 ,i have only one recourse1 to remember and to believe4 ,to hold on with all my strength to the memory of the tragedy of the ,room4 ,i believe that the only thing which confronts the heart and the reason is the shadow of that which the heart and the reason cry for4 ,i believe that around us there is only one word1 the immense word which takes us out of our solitude1 ,,nothing4 ,i believe that this does not signify our nothingness or our misfortune1 but1 on the contrary1 our realisation and our deification1 since everything is within us4 ,,the ,,end