,,sex ,,and ,,common-,,sense    ,,by    
,a4 ,,maude ,,royden  ,,assistant       
,,preacher ,,at ,,the ,,city ,,temple1  
,,london  #aiah-aibj            ,to ,,my
 ,,friends ,a4,j4,s4 ,,and ,w4,h4,s4    
,,preface ,,to ,,american ,,edition     
,,the ,,nobility ,,of ,,the ,,sex       
,,problem    ,of all the problems which 
the alert and curious mind of modern man
 is  considering1 none occupies him more
 than that of the relations of the      
sexes4 ,this is natural4 ,it touches us 
all and we have made rather a mess  of  
it6 ,we want to know why1 and we want to
 do better4 ,we resent being the  sport 
of circumstance and perhaps we are      
beginning to understand that this       
instinct of sex which has been so great 
a cause of suffering and shame and  has 
been treated as a subject fit only for  
furtive whispers or silly jokes1  is in 
fact one of the greatest powers in human
 nature1 and that its misuse  is indeed 
the expense of spirit in a waste of     
shame4    ,it is not the abnormal or the

 bizarre that interests most of us      
to-day4 ,it  is not into the by-ways of 
vice that we seek to penetrate4 ,it is  
the normal  exercise of a normal        
instinct by normal people that interests
 us3 and it is  of this that ,i have    
tried to write and speak4 ,the          
curiosities of depravity  are for the   
physician and the psychologist to       
discuss and cure4 ,ordinary  men and    
women want first to know how to live    
ordinary human lives on  a higher level 
and after a nobler pattern than before4 
,they want1 ,i  think1--and ,i want1--to
 grow up1 but to grow rightly1          
beautifully1  humanely4    ,and ,i      
believe the first essential is to       
realize that the sex-problem1 as it  is 
called1 is the problem of something     
noble1 not something base4 ,it is  not a
 disagreeable duty to know our own      
natures and understand our own          
instincts3 it is a joy4 ,the            
sex-instinct is not the ,fall of ,man2  
neither  is it an instance of divine    

wisdom on which moralists could1 if they
 had  only been consulted in time1      
greatly have improved4 ,it is a thing   
noble in  essence4 ,it is the           
development of the higher1 not the      
lower1 creation4 ,it  is the asexual    
which is the lower1 and the sexually    
differentiated which is  the higher     
organism4    ,in the humbler ranks of   
being there is no sex1 and in a sense no
 death4 ,the  organism is immortal      
because--strange paradox--it is not yet 
alive enough  to die4 ,but as we pass   
from the lower to the higher1 we pass   
from the less  individual to the more   
individual2 from asexual to sexual4 ,and
 with this  change comes that great     
rhythm by which life and death succeed  
each other1  and death is the cost of   
life1 and to bring life into the world  
means  sacrifice2 and--as we rise higher
 still--to sustain life means prolonged 
and altruistic love4 ,this is the       
history of sex and of procreation1 a    
history associated with the rising of   

humanity in the scale of being1 a       
history not so much of his physical as  
of his spiritual growth4    ,by what an 
irony have we come to associate the     
instinct of sex with all  that is       
bestial and shameful6    ,it has        
happened because the corruption of the  
best is the worst4 ,i always  want to   
remind people of this truism when they  
have first come into  contact with sex  
in some horrible and shameful way4 ,that
 is one of the  greatest misfortunes    
that can happen to any of us1 and       
unfortunately it  happens to many4 ,boys
 and girls are allowed to grow up in    
ignorance4 ,the  girls perhaps know     
nothing till they have to know all4 ,the
 boys learn  from grimy sources4 ,i was 
speaking on this subject at one of our  
great  universities the other day1 and  
afterwards many of the men came and     
talked  to me privately4 ,with hardly a 
single exception they said to me--,our  
parents told us nothing4 ,we have never 
heard sex spoken of except in a  dirty  

way4    ,it is difficult for us1 in such
 a case1 to realize that sex is not a   
dirty thing4 ,it can only be realized1  
,i think1 by remembering that  the      
corruption of the best is the worst1 and
 that we can measure by the  hideousness
 of debased and depraved sexuality1 the 
greatness and the wonder  of sex love4  
,this is to me the great teaching of    
,christ about sex4 ,other great         
religious teachers--some of them very   
great indeed--have thought and taught   
contemptuously of our animal nature4 ,he
 spake of the temple of ,his  body4     
,that is sublime6 ,that is the whole    
secret4 ,and that is why vice is        
horrible3 because it is the desecration1
 not of a hovel or a shop1 of a         
marketplace or a place of business3 but 
of a temple4    ,christ1 ,i am told1    
told us nothing about sex4 ,he did not  
need to tell us  anything but ,your body
 is the ,temple of the ,holy ,spirit4   
,it is my belief that in appealing to an
 ,american public ,i shall be  appealing

 to those who are ready to face the     
subject of the relations  of the sexes  
with perfect frankness and with courage4
 ,america is still a  country of        
experiments--a country adventurous      
enough to make experiments1  and to risk
 making mistakes4 ,that is the only     
spirit in which it is  possible to make 
anything at all2 and though the mistakes
 we may make in a  matter which so      
deeply and tragically affects human life
 must be serious1  and we must with     
corresponding seriousness weigh every   
word we say1 and  take the trouble to   
think harder and more honestly than we  
have perhaps  ever thought before2 yet  
,i believe that we must above all have  
courage4  ,human nature is sound and men
 and women do1 on the whole1 want to do 
what  is right4 ,the great impulse of   
sex is part of our very being1 and it is
 not  base4 ,passion is essentially     
noble and those who are incapable of it 
are  the weaker1 not the stronger4 ,if  
then we have light to direct our course1

  we shall learn to direct it wisely1   
for indeed this is our desire4    ,such 
is my creed4 ,my prayer is for more     
light4 ,and my desire to take my  part  
in spreading it4    ,a4 ,,maude         
,,royden4    ,april1 #aibb4             
,,preface ,,to ,,third ,,english        
,,edition    ,in the first editions of  
this book a certain passage on our      
,lord's humanity  7see p4 #dj7 has1 ,i  
find1 been misunderstood by some4 ,they 
have supposed  it to imply a suggestion 
that our ,lord was not only tempted in  
all things  like as we are--which ,i    
firmly believe--but that ,he fell--which
 is to  me unthinkable4 ,i hope ,i have 
made this perfectly clear in the present
  edition4    ,beyond this there are few
 alterations except the correction of   
some very  abominable errors of style4  
,the book still bears the impress of the
 speaker  rather than the writer1 and as
 such ,i must leave it4    ,with regard 
to the chapter called ,common-,sense and
 ,divorce ,law ,reform1  which now has  

been added to this edition1 ,i wish to  
express my indebtedness  to ,dr4 ,jane  
,walker and the group of inquirers over 
which she presided1  for the memorandum 
on ,divorce which they drew up and      
published in the  ,challenge1 of ,july1 
#aiah4 ,i am not in complete agreement  
with their views  on all points1 but    
readers of their memorandum will easily 
see whence ,i  derived my view as a     
whole4    ,a4,m4,r4    ,january1 #aibb4 
,,foreword    ,chapters ,i4 to ,,vii4 of
 this book were originally given in the 
form of  addresses1 in the ,kensington  
,town ,hall1 on successive ,sunday      
evenings in  #aiba4 ,they were taken    
down verbatim1 but have been revised and
 even to  some extent rewritten4 ,i do  
not like reports in print of things     
spoken1 for  speaking and writing are   
two different arts1 and what is right   
when it is  spoken is almost inevitably 
wrong when it is written4 7,i refer1 of 
course1  to style1 not matter47 ,if ,i  
had had time1 ,i should have re-shaped  

what ,i  have said1 though it would have
 been the manner only and not the       
substance  that would have been changed4
 ,this has been impossible1 and ,i can  
therefore  only explain that the        
defective form and the occasional       
repetition which  the reader cannot fail
 to mark were forced upon me by the fact
 that ,i was  speaking--not writing--and
 that ,i felt bound to make each        
address1 as far  as possible1 complete  
and comprehensible in itself4           
,chapters ,,viii41 ,,ix41 and ,x4 were  
added later to meet various             
difficulties1  questions1 or criticisms 
evoked by the addresses which form the  
earlier  part of the book4    ,i desire 
to record my gratitude to ,mr4 and ,mrs4
 ,douglas ,sladen1 but for  whose active
 help and encouragement ,i should hardly
 have proceeded with the  book3 to ,miss
 ,irene ,taylor1 who1 out of personal   
friendship for me1 took  down1 ,sunday  
after ,sunday1 all that ,i said1 with an
 accuracy which1 with a  considerable   

experience of reporters1 ,i have only   
once known equalled  and never          
surpassed3 and to my congregation1 whose
 questions and speeches  during the     
discussion that followed each address   
greatly helped my work4    ,a4 ,,maude  
,,royden4    ,september1 #aiba4         
,,contents    ,i4--,,the ,,old ,,problem
 ,,intensified ,,by ,,the               
,,disproportion ,,of ,,the ,,sexes      
,,ii4--,a ,,solution ,,of ,,the         
,,problem ,,of ,,the ,,unmarried        
,,iii4--,,consideration ,,of ,,other    
,,solutions ,,of ,,the ,,problem ,,of   
,,the ,,disproportion        ,,of ,,the 
,,sexes    ,,iv4--,,the ,,true ,,basis  
,,of ,,morality    ,v4--,,the ,,moral   
,,standard ,,of ,,the ,,future3 ,,what  
,,should ,,it ,,be8    ,,vi4--,a ,,plea 
,,for ,,light    ,,vii4--,,friendship   
,,viii4--,,misunderstandings            
,,ix4--,,further ,,misunderstandings3   
,,the ,,need ,,for ,,sex ,,chivalry     
,x4--,,the ,,sin ,,of ,,the ,,bridegroom
    ,,xi4--,,common-,,sense ,,and       

,,divorce ,,law ,,reform        ,i      
,,the ,,old ,,problem ,,intensified ,,by
 ,,the ,,disproportion ,,of ,,the       
,,sexes           ,there has arisen in  
society1 a figure which is certainly the
       most mournful1 and in some       
respects the most awful1 upon which     
the eye of the moralist can dwell4 ,that
 unhappy being whose       very name is 
a shame to speak2 who counterfeits with 
a cold       heart the transports of    
affection1 and submits herself as the   
passive instrument of lust2 who is      
scorned and insulted as the       vilest
 of her sex1 and doomed for the most    
part to disease and       abject        
wretchedness and an early death1 appears
 in every eye as       the perpetual    
symbol of the degradation and sinfulness
 of man4       ,herself the supreme type
 of vice1 she is ultimately the most    
efficient guardian of virtue4 ,but for  
her the unchallenged       purity of    
countless happy homes would be polluted1
 and not a       few who1 in the pride  

of their untempted chastity1 think of   
her       with an indignant shudder1    
would have known the agony of           
remorse and despair4 ,she remains while 
creeds and civilisations       rise and 
fall1 the eternal priestess of humanity1
 blasted for       the sins of the      
people4         ,lecky's ,history of    
,european ,morals1 ,chap4 ,v4      ,one 
of the many problems which have been    
intensified by the war is the  problem  
of the relations of the sexes4          
,difficult as it has always been1  the  
difficulty inevitably becomes greater   
when there is a grave  disproportion--an
 excess in numbers of one sex over the  
other4 ,and in this  country1 whereas   
there was a disproportion of something  
like a million more  women than men     
before the war broke out1 there is now a
 disproportion of  about one and        
three-quarter millions4    ,this        
accidental and 7,i believe7 temporary   
difficulty--a difficulty not  natural   
and necessary to human life1 but        

artificial and peculiar to  certain     
conditions which may be altered--does   
not1 of course1 create the  problem we  
have to deal with3 but it forces that   
problem on our attention  by sheer force
 of suffering inflicted on so large a   
scale4 ,it compels us  to ask ourselves 
on what we base1 and at what we value   
the moral standard  which1 if it is to  
be preserved1 must mean a tremendous    
sacrifice on the  part of so large a    
number of women as is involved in their 
acceptance of  life-long celibacy4      
,there is no subject on which it is more
 difficult to find a common  ground than
 this4 ,to some people it seems to be   
immoral even to ask the  question--on   
what are your moral standards based8 ,to
 others what we call  our moral         
standards are so obviously absurd and   
unnatural that the  question has for    
them no meaning4 ,and between these     
extremes there are so  many varieties of
 opinion that one can take nothing as   
generally accepted  by men and women4   

,i want1 therefore1 to leave aside the  
ordinary conventions--not because  they 
are necessarily bad1 but because they   
are not to my purpose1 which  is to     
discover whether there is a real        
morality which we can justify  to       
ourselves without appeal to any         
authority however great1 or to any      
tradition however highly esteemed3 a    
morality which is based on the real     
needs1 the real aspirations of humanity 
itself4    ,and ,i begin by calling your
 attention to the morality of ,jesus of 
,nazareth1  not because ,he is divine1  
but because ,he was a great master of   
the human  heart1 and more than others  
knew what was in man4    ,you will      
notice at once the height of ,his       
morality--the depth of ,his mercy4  ,he 
demands such purity of spirit1 such     
loyalty of heart1 that the most  loyal  
of ,his disciples shrank appalled3      
,whosoever shall look upon a woman  to  
lust after her hath committed adultery  
with her already in his heart4  444     

,whosoever shall put away his wife and  
marry another1 committeth  adultery     
against her4 ,from such a standard      
,christ's disciples shrank--,if  the    
case of the man be so with his wife1 it 
is not good to marry4 ,and  one         
evangelist almost certainly inserted in 
this absolute prohibition the           
exception--,saving for the cause of     
fornication--feeling that the ,master   
could not have meant anything else4     
,but1 in fact1 there is little doubt    
that ,jesus did both say and mean that  
marriage demanded lifelong fidelity  on 
either side2 just as ,he really taught  
that a lustful thought was  adultery in 
the sight of ,god4    ,but if           
,christendom has been staggered at the  
austerity of ,christ's morality  not    
less has it been shocked at the quality 
of ,his mercy4 ,his gentleness to  the  
sensual sinner has been compared1 with  
amazement1 to the sternness of  ,his    
attitude to the sins of the spirit4 ,not
 the profligate or the harlot  but the  

,pharisee and the scribe were those who 
provoked ,his sternest  rebukes4 ,and   
perhaps the most characteristic of all  
,his dealings with such  matters was    
that incident of the woman taken in     
adultery1 when ,he at once  reaffirmed  
the need of absolute chastity for       
men--demand undreamed of by  the woman's
 accusers--and put aside the right to   
condemn which in all that  assembly ,he 
alone could claim--,neither do ,i       
condemn thee2 go1 and sin no  more4     
,having then in mind this most lofty and
 compassionate of moralists1 let us     
turn to the problem of to-day4 ,here are
 nearly #b1jjj1jjj women who1 if the    
austere demands of faithful monogamy are
 to be obeyed1 will never know  the     
satisfaction of a certain physical need4
 ,now it is the desire of every  normal 
human being to satisfy all his          
instincts4 ,and this is as true of      
women as of men4 ,what ,i have to say   
applies indeed to many men to-day1 for  
many men are unable to marry because    

they have been so broken by war--or     
otherwise--so shattered or maimed or    
impoverished that they do not feel      
justified in marrying4 ,but ,i want to  
emphasize with all my power that the    
hardness of enforced celibacy presses as
 cruelly on women as on men4 ,women1    
difficult as some people find it to     
believe1 are human beings2 and because  
women are so1 they want work1 and       
interest1 and love--both given and      
received--and children1 and1 in short1  
the satisfaction of every human  need4  
,the idea that existence is enough for  
them--that they need not work1  and do  
not suffer if their sex instincts are   
repressed or starved--is a  convenient  
but most cruel illusion4 ,people often  
tell me1 and nearly always              
unconsciously assume1 that women have no
 sex hunger--no sex needs at all  until 
they marry1 and that even then their    
need is not at all so imperious  as     
men's1 or so hard to repress4 ,such     
people are nearly always either men1  or

 women who have married young and       
happily and borne many children1 and    
had a very full and interesting outside 
life as well6 ,such women will  assure  
me with the utmost complacency that the 
sex-instincts of a woman are  very      
easily controllable1 and that it is     
preposterous to speak as if their       
repression really cost very much4 ,i    
think with bitterness of that age-long  
repression1 of its unmeasured cost2 of  
the gibe contained in the phrase  old   
maid1 with all its implication of a     
narrowed life1 a prudish mind1  an acrid
 tongue1 an embittered disposition4 ,i  
think of the imbecilities in  which the 
repressed instinct has sought its       
pitiful baffled release1 of  the        
adulation lavished on a parrot1 a cat1 a
 lap-dog2 or of the emotional  religion1
 the parson-worship1 on which every fool
 is clever enough  to sharpen his wit4  
,and all these cramped and stultified   
lives have not  availed to make the     
world understand that women have had to 

pay for their  celibacy6      ,the toad 
beneath the harrow knows      ,exactly  
where each tooth-point goes4    ,the    
butterfly beside the road      ,preaches
 contentment to that toad4    ,modern   
psychology is lifting the veil to-day   
from the suffering which  repression    
causes4 ,it is a pity that its most     
brilliant exponents should  ascribe to a
 single instinct--however potent--all   
the ills that afflict  mankind1 for such
 one-sidedness defeats its own object2  
but1 at least1 the  modern psychologist 
is trying to show us exactly where each 
tooth-point  goes in the repression of  
the sex-instinct among women as among   
men4 ,nor  does the fact that the tabu  
of society has actually in many cases   
enabled  a woman to inhibit the         
development of her own nature1 obviate  
the fact that  she does so at great     
cost1 even when she least understands   
what she does4    ,i affirm this1 and   
with insistence1 that the normal--the   
average--woman  sacrifices a great deal 

if she accepts life-long celibacy4 ,she 
sacrifices  quite as much as a man4 ,in 
those cases--too frequent even          
now--where she  is not educated or      
expected to earn her own living or to   
have a career1 ,i  maintain that she    
loses more than a man who is expected to
 work4 ,i do not  say1 and ,i do not    
believe1 that passion in a woman is the 
same as in a man1  or that they suffer  
in precisely the same way4 ,i believe   
indeed that if men  and women understood
 each other a little better they would  
hurt each other  a good deal less4 ,but 
,i am persuaded that we shall not even  
begin to reach  a wise morality so long 
as we persist in basing our demands on  
the imbecile  assumption that women     
suffer nothing or little by the         
unsatisfaction of the  sex side of their
 nature4    ,i emphasize this point     
here1 because it is involved in the     
present state  of affairs4 ,i have      
reminded you that there are nearly      
#b1jjj1jjj women  whose lives are to be 

considered4 ,if the number were quite   
small1 it might  comfortably be assumed 
that the women who remained unmarried   
were those  who1 in any case1 had no    
vocation for marriage4 ,for it is1 of   
course1 true  that there are such women1
 as there are such men4 ,the normal man 
and woman  desire marriage and          
parenthood1 and are fitted for it2 but  
there are always  exceptions who either 
do not desire it1 or1 desiring it1 feel 
bound to  put it aside at the call of   
some other vocation1 which they feel to 
be supremely theirs1 and which is not   
compatible with marriage4 ,they         
sacrifice2 but they do so joyfully1 not 
for repression1 but for a different     
life1 another vocation4 ,and where the  
number of the unmarried is small1  it   
may without essential injustice be      
supposed that these are the natural     
celibates4    ,but you cannot suppose   
that of #b1jjj1jjj6 ,among the number   
how many are  young widows1 girls       
engaged to marry men now dead1 and how  

many whose  natural vocation was        
marriage1 motherhood1 home-making1 and  
all that is  meant by such things as    
these8 ,if this be the normal vocation  
of the normal  woman how many of these  
have been deprived of all that seemed to
 them to  make life worth living8 ,is it
 astonishing if they rebel8 ,if they    
determine  to snatch at anything that   
yet lies in their grasp8 ,if they affirm
 the  right to motherhood when they want
 children1 or the satisfaction of the   
sex-instinct when that need becomes     
imperious8    ,if we are to say to such 
women--,the normal life is denied to    
you1 not  by your fault1 or because you 
do not need it1 but because we have     
unfortunately been obliged to sacrifice 
in war the men who should have been     
your mates3 and we now invite you in the
 interests of morality to accept as     
your lot perpetual virginity--it is not 
difficult to imagine their reply3  ,what
 is this morality in whose interests you
 ask so huge a sacrifice8 ,is  it worth 

such a price8 ,is the whole community   
willing to pay it1 or is it  exacted    
from us alone8 ,and on what1 in the end1
 is it based8    ,the answer to this    
question is often given to the young1   
even before the  question arises2 and it
 is given in the lives of men and women4
 ,the lives  of those who are nobly     
celibate1 or nobly married1 are in      
themselves so  moving a plea1 that few  
who have been closely in contact with   
them are left  untouched4 ,it is the    
ideal realized that is the best defence 
of the ideal4  ,but let us admit that1  
too often1 the actual marriage is a very
 pitiful  comment on our morality1 and  
celibacy either a mere pretence or a    
very  mean and pinched reality4 ,what   
answer then shall we give to the rising 
generation which questions us--,on what 
do you base your moral standards8    ,i 
do not doubt that ,i am voicing the     
experience of many if ,i say that when  
,i first began to ask such questions ,i 
met first of all with extreme horror  at

 such a question being put at all2 and  
that1 when ,i persisted1 ,i found  that 
it was almost entirely by women that the
 cost was to be borne4 ,women  were to  
conform strictly to the moral standard  
7whose basis ,i was not  questioning71  
but men need not and1 generally         
speaking1 did not4 ,i reasoned  that if 
men need not be chaste there must exist 
at least a certain number  of women who 
could not be so1 and that this reduced  
morality to a  farce4 ,i soon found that
 it was not a farce but a tragedy4      
,these women were  admittedly necessary 
but outcast4 ,they were the safeguards  
of the rest4 ,i  wish that men would try
 for a moment to put themselves in the  
place of a  young girl who learns for   
the first time that prostitution is the 
safeguard  of the virtuous6 ,i think    
that they would never again wonder at   
the  rejection of such moral standards  
by the rising generation of women4 ,you 
would only wonder why women had         
tolerated such a combination of folly   

and cruelty so long4 ,you would not ask 
them to accept or to suffer for a       
standard like that4    ,again1 this     
morality for which 7it is affirmed7     
society is prepared to pay  so horrible 
a price--what is it8 ,a physical        
condition6 ,a state of body1  which any 
man can destroy6 an honour which lies at
 the mercy of a  ruffian6 ,a woman raped
 is a woman dishonoured4 ,are her morals
 then at  the mercy of another person8  
,is morality not a state of mind or of  
will1  a spiritual passion for purity1  
but a material1 physical thing which is 
only hers as long as no one snatches it 
from her8 ,how senseless6 ,how false6   
,when you ask a woman to-day to make the
 great sacrifice in the interests  of   
morality1 you must offer her a morality 
that is moral--a morality  whose justice
 and humanity move her to a response2   
not a morality which  offends every     
instinct of justice and reality the     
moment the person to whom  it is offered
 understands what it means4 ,for what is

 asked to-day is too  often that women  
should sacrifice themselves for the     
convenience of other  people--of a      
hypocritical society which preaches a   
morality as senseless as  it is base4   
,when older people tell me that the     
young seem to have no morals at all1  ,i
 ask myself whether the repudiation of  
much that has been called morality  was 
not1 after all1 a necessity1 if we are  
to advance at all4 ,when ,i  reflect on1
 for example1 ,lecky's ,history of      
,european ,morals1 and  remember that it
 was not a profligate or a hedonist1 but
 an honourable and  respectable member  
of a civilized society1 who proclaimed  
the prostitute  the high priestess of   
humanity--the protectress of the purity 
of a thousand  homes,a--,i am prepared  
to say that to have no morals at all is 
better  than to accept such infamy and  
call it morals2 as it is better to be an
  agnostic or an atheist than to worship
 a devil--to have no standard than to   
say3 ,evil be thou my good4    ,footnote

 ,a3 ,lecky's ,history of ,european     
,morals4 ,chap4 ,v4    ,and ,i believe  
that the tendency to reject all moral   
standards is largely  due to the refusal
 of an older generation to examine and  
to justify its own  standard4 ,to refuse
 to discuss or defend it--to affirm that
 it is beyond  debate and not to be     
questioned without depravity is merely  
to produce the  impression that it is   
beyond defence and impossible to        
justify4 ,it is not  surprising that    
people begin to say3 ,let us eat and    
drink1 for to-morrow  we die4 ,let us   
experience all we desire4 ,let us act   
like the normal healthy  creatures that 
we are4 ,let us ignore the flimsy       
barriers a corrupt and  imbecile moral  
code would erect between us and what we 
desire4    ,that is the point of view of
 many men and women to-day4 ,that is    
what the  absence of a just and reasoned
 moral code has led to4 ,and ,i am      
prepared1  in spite of all protests1 to 
affirm that it is not a step backward1  

but  forward2 that promiscuity is not as
 vile as prostitution--a prostitution   
which has been accepted1 which has been 
defended by ,christian people6 ,it  is  
less horrible for a human being to have 
the morals of an animal than the  morals
 of a devil4 ,we have to begin by       
rejecting the morality of fiends1  and  
we begin1 even if the immediate effect  
is more terrifying to the  moralist than
 the old hidden-up devilry that lent    
itself to an easier  disguise4    ,so ,i
 believe4 ,and so the present chaos1    
though it has its elements of  anxiety  
and its obvious dangers1 leaves me      
unafraid4 ,i am utterly persuaded  that 
we shall win through to solid ground4   
,i believe that the long groping of     
humanity after a sex-relationship which 
shall be stable1 equal1 passionate1     
disciplined1 pure1 is the groping of a  
right instinct1 the hunger of a real    
need2 and that we must--we shall--find  
its answer4 ,with many failures1 with   
many reactions1 it can1 ,i think1 be    

seen1 as history unrolls its record and 
civilizations rise and fall1  that the  
movement of humanity has been towards a 
more stable1 a more  responsible1 a more
 disciplined1 but not less passionate   
form of  relationship between men and   
women4 ,let us not forget that great and
  pregnant fact when we reject the      
immoral arguments1 the cruelties and    
injustices1 with which society has      
sought either to justify its ideals or  
to conceal its horrible failures4 ,for  
if we can thus distinguish1 and go      
forward1 this generation will not have  
suffered in vain4 ,it will1 on the      
contrary1 make of its suffering the spur
 which shall force us all onward  and   
upward4 ,it will by its courage and its 
honesty give to the world a  truer and a
 nobler moral standard than the world   
has ever accepted yet4        ,,ii      
,a ,,solution ,,of ,,the ,,problem ,,of 
,,the ,,unmarried           ,jesus said1
 the foxes have holes1 and the birds of 
the air       have nests1 but the ,son  

of ,man hath not where to lay his head4 
7,st4 ,luke ix4 #eh47      ,in the last 
chapter ,i tried to deal with the actual
 problem created in  this country by the
 disproportion of the sexes--the fact   
that there are1  roughly1 one and       
three-quarters to two million more women
 than men in this  country2 and ,i was  
obliged to confine myself simply to     
stating the problem1  which1 to my mind1
 is very greatly intensified by the     
fact1 generally  ignored1 that the sex  
needs of a woman are just as imperative1
 their  suppression just as hard to     
bear1 as a man's2 that woman is fully as
 human  as man1 and that parenthood and 
loverhood and all that the satisfaction 
of  the sex instinct means to him1 it   
means also to her4 ,i do not affirm that
  the difficulty of self-control or the 
suffering of abstinence presents  itself
 to men and women in just the same way2 
,i am sure it does not4 ,i do  not      
under-estimate the difference4 ,but ,i  
do emphasize the fact that1 as far  as  

,i am able to judge1 the suffering is   
equal1 although it is different  in     
character4 ,therefore1 the denial of    
marriage to a very large number  of     
women means that1 although some women1  
like some men1 are naturally  celibate1 
when so great a number of women are     
denied the possibility of  marriage1 we 
must take it for granted that among them
 the average will not  be natural       
celibates1 but women who suffer a very  
great loss if they do not  marry4       
,now ,i want to add that this           
disproportion of the sexes is quite     
artificial1  and1 therefore1 should be  
temporary4 ,from some of the letters ,i 
have  received ,i gather that people    
imagine that there has always been a    
very  much larger number of women than  
men1 and not only in this country1 but  
throughout the world2 and that1         
therefore1 we ought to shape our customs
  and our moral standards with this     
disproportion in mind as a permanent    
fact4 ,i want to point out that this is 

not the case4 ,the causes of the        
present excess of women over men in this
 country are quite artificial4 ,as a    
matter of fact1 there are more boys born
 in this country than girls--about  #ajg
 to #ajj is the ratio--but the boys die 
in very much larger numbers  during the 
first twelve months of their life1      
because they are more  difficult to rear
 in bad conditions4 ,but bad conditions 
are not inevitable6  ,these babies die  
from preventable causes4 ,it is not     
within the ,providence  of ,god that    
these children must die1 nor is it a    
necessity of human  nature4 ,it is due  
to preventable causes1 and is1          
therefore1 as ,i say1  artificial4      
,again1 we have a very large empire1    
stretching out to the  remoter parts of 
the world1 and to that empire men go out
 in very much  larger numbers than      
women1 so that the disproportion here   
is1 in part1 the  reverse side of the   
disproportion in the great ,overseas    
,dominions1 where  there are more men   

than women4 ,but that1 too1 is a purely 
artificial and  temporary state of      
things1 which has nothing to do with the
 fundamental  conditions of human       
society4 ,finally1 of course1 there is  
the war1 which  again creates an        
artificial state of affairs1 by killing 
enormous numbers  of young men1 just at 
the age--between twenty and forty or    
forty-five--when  they should be growing
 into manhood1 and becoming husbands and
 fathers4  ,that again is artificial4   
,the reason why ,i emphasize this is    
because ,i feel very strongly that we   
must not remodel our whole society1 and 
recreate our moral standards1 to  meet a
 passing and an artificial state of     
affairs4 ,that is my answer to  those   
who seem to think the solution of all   
our difficulties is to be  found in the 
adoption of polygamy4 ,now polygamy is a
 perfectly respectable  institution in a
 large number of countries4 ,it is quite
 an old idea4 ,it has  not occurred to  
people for the first time between last  

,sunday and to-day4  ,it has been       
discussed in the ,sunday newspapers1    
which are the most widely  read of any  
papers issued by the press4 ,my answer  
to it is that such an  expedient would  
be just an instance of this remodelling 
of your whole moral  standard to meet an
 entirely artificial state of affairs4  
,polygamy is not  possible and never has
 been possible on a great scale1 because
 in hardly  any country1 certainly not  
in the world as a whole1 is there a     
great  disproportion of the sexes under 
ordinary circumstances4 ,the idea most  
people appear to have about it is that  
in some parts of the world1 like  ,india
 and ,china1 every man is blessed with  
three or four wives4 ,it is a  perfectly
 fantastic picture4 ,the balance of the 
sexes--on the whole--is  equal4 ,it is1 
therefore1 a physical impossibility for 
polygamy to be a  universal custom4 ,it 
cannot be practised1 and has never been 
practised1  except among the rich--a    
small class always4 ,now that surely    

makes  it obvious that it is not a real 
solution4 ,it might meet a temporary    
difficulty2 but is it reasonable1 is it 
statesmanlike1 to alter our entire      
moral standard merely to tide over a    
temporary difficulty2 to meet a state   
of affairs which is purely artificial8  
,i think that morals go deeper1  and    
should be based on some fundamental     
need1 rather than on a purely           
artificial need created by a passing    
difficulty1 however great that          
difficulty may be at the time4 ,i do    
not1 therefore1 wish to dwell on other  
better but temporary solutions1 such as 
emigration4 ,i do think that this is  a 
solution which would ease the situation 
to some extent1 and in a normal  and    
right way1 because the disproportion in 
the ,overseas ,dominions1 where  the    
balance is the other way1 and there are 
more men than women1 is every  whit as  
unwholesome and as disastrous as is the 
disproportion of women in  this country4
 ,consequently1 from the point of view  

of both men and women1  ,i think that   
emigration is a thing that ought to be  
considered and helped  forward very much
 more than it is2 but there1 again1 this
 is only a  temporary solution4 ,we are 
trying to arrive at some moral position 
which is  based on the permanent needs  
and the real nature of human beings4    
,it has become almost a habit with me to
 feel that the real solution of  every  
problem can be found1 by those people   
who are hurt by it1 if they  will take  
hold of life where it hurts1 and find   
out1 not how they  themselves can escape
 from that hurt1 but how they can       
prevent that  hurt from becoming a      
permanent factor in the lives of their  
brothers and  sisters4 ,now1 the point  
at which this problem hurts many of us  
lies in  this1 that women have been     
taught1 by a curious paradox1 first of  
all that  they ought not to have any    
sexual feeling1 any hunger1 any appetite
 at all  on that side of their natures2 
and secondly1 that they exist solely to 

meet  that particular physical need in  
men4 ,the idea that woman was created1  
not  like man1 for the glory of ,god1   
but for the convenience of man1 has     
greatly  embittered and poisoned public 
opinion on this subject4 ,women are     
taught1  almost from the moment they    
come into the world1 that their chief   
end in  existence is to be1 in some way 
or other1 a helpmeet for man4 ,i        
remember1  in the early days of the     
,suffrage struggle1 hearing people1 and 
women quite  as often as men--more often
 ,i think--urging certain rights and    
principles  for women1 on the ground    
that they were meant to be the helpmeets
 of man4  ,they used to quote the       
earlier chapters of the ,book of        
,genesis to show that  women were       
created for that purpose2 and it was    
considered a very lofty  kind of appeal4
 ,i think it never failed to evoke the  
applause of those whom  you will forgive
 my calling a little sentimental4 ,i do 
not think it ever  failed to arouse in  

myself a deep sense of resentment4 ,the 
writer of the  first chapter of the     
,book of ,genesis speaks of humanity as 
being created  in the image and likeness
 of ,god1 male and female created ,he   
them2  there is no suggestion here that 
one sex was simply to be the servant of 
the other4 ,that occurs in the second   
chapter4 ,the idea is persistent2 it    
is1 of course1 much older than the ,old 
,testament4 ,and it persists right  into
 the ,new ,testament1 where you hear a  
man of the intellectual and  spiritual  
calibre of ,st4 ,paul affirm that man   
was made for ,god1 but woman  was made  
for man4 ,down the ages this message has
 come1 and women have  been taught to   
consider themselves1 and men to consider
 them1 as primarily  instruments of sex1
 of marriage and motherhood1 or of other
 forms of  serving men's needs4 ,you do 
not find that feeling in ,christ's      
attitude  towards women4 ,when people   
speak as though it were one of the      
weaknesses  of ,christianity that it    

appeals1 or seems to appeal1 more to    
women than  to men1 ,i ask you to       
believe that sometimes consciously1     
often quite  unconsciously1 women       
respond with passionate gratitude to    
,christ1 because  of ,his sublime       
teaching that every human soul was made 
for ,god1 and that no  part or section  
of society1 no race1 no class1 and no   
sex1 was made for the  convenience of   
another4    ,i want then to combat with 
all my power this ancient but           
un-,christlike  belief that women miss  
their object in life if they are not    
wives and  mothers4 ,it may seem        
something of a contradiction that ,i    
should in a  previous chapter so have   
emphasized the need of women for the    
satisfaction  of their sexual nature1   
and now be arguing that we must not     
assume  that they have no right to exist
 if they do not meet this particular    
satisfaction2 but ,i think you will     
realize that it is not a paradox when ,i
  ask you to consider for a moment what 

your attitude to men on this subject    
is4 ,many people hold that a man's      
passions are a tremendous factor in his 
existence1 so strong that he must always
 be forgiven if he cannot control  them2
 so strong that1 on the whole1 it is    
hardly to be expected that he  should   
control them4 ,but yet1 if a man does   
not marry1 or if there are more  men    
than women in a certain country--as1 for
 instance1 in ,australia1 or  ,western  
,canada to-day--nobody speaks of those  
men as though they were  superfluous1 as
 though they had ceased to have any real
 object for  existence4 ,people will    
realize that it is a hardship--a very   
great  hardship--in their lives2 they   
will be apt to excuse them for taking   
what  they can get if they cannot get   
everything2 but no human being talks of 
the  superfluous men in any of our great
 ,dominions4 ,people always realize that
  a man has a human value1 and that1    
however great the urgency of the  sex   
side of him1 he still is a human being1 

he still has his value in the  world1   
even supposing that he should live and  
die celibate4 ,if you will try  to put  
your mind into that attitude towards    
women1 you will1 ,i think1 see  that it 
is not a paradox to say that a woman may
 and does suffer if she  does not fulfil
 the whole of her nature1 and yet that  
it is a monstrous  fallacy to affirm    
that1 because of that1 she ceases to    
have any reason for  existence2 that she
 is a futile life1 a person who does not
 really count4  ,sex is a great and a   
mighty power1 but it is something more  
than the mere  satisfaction of a        
physical need4 ,it is part of the great 
rhythm of life1  running through all the
 higher creation2 it is the instinct to 
create1  going forth in the power of    
love1 proving to us day by day that only
 love  can create1 bringing us nearer to
 the ,divine ,power1 ,who is ,love1 and 
,who  created the heaven and the earth4 
,in spite of our horrible thoughts about
  sex1 our hideous sins against it1 ,i  

do not think that in anything ,god has  
made man more in ,his image and likeness
 than when ,he gave him the power1      
through love1 to create life4 ,that is a
 power that makes us akin to ,god       
,himself1 and the instinct of sex is not
 a grimy secret between two rather      
shamed human beings1 but a great impulse
 of life and love--yes1 even1 at  the   
height of it1 an instinct to sacrifice  
in order that life may come  into the   
world2 it is a great bond of union      
between human beings2 it is the  secret 
of existence1 the secret of the meaning 
of life2 that which is to  the nature of
 man like the sense of music to the     
musician1 of beauty to the  artist1 of  
insight to the poet4 ,a man may have no 
ear for music1 and yet be  a good and   
noble man2 but who will deny that he    
lacks something because he  has it not8 
,a man may have no sense of beauty1 but 
he is not1 therefore1 a  depraved1      
immoral person2 yet does he not stand   
outside some of the great  secrets of   

life8 ,so1 when this still deeper       
instinct of creative love is  not yours1
 do not congratulate yourselves1 or     
pride yourselves that you  have never   
felt it4 ,for it means that you stand   
outside the great communion  of the life
 of the world2 it means that for you    
some of the music of the  universe is   
dumb1 and some of the beauty of the     
universe dark4    ,yet how long have    
women been taught that this divine      
impulse of creation  is something base6 
,base even in a man1 belonging to his   
lower nature2 still  more deplorable in 
a woman1 a thing to be ashamed of1 a    
thing to crush down  and suppress1 a    
thing you would not confess to your     
nearest friends1 or  discuss with your  
physician4 ,to speak of it even to your 
own mother would  be to be met with the 
averted look and word of disapproval4   
,if1 as a  consequence of this1 women   
have inhibited their own nature1 so that
  many women have created in their minds
 a kind of tone-deafness1 a             

colour-blindness to this side of life1  
does that not seem to you a tragedy8    
,to have so great and wonderful a thing 
in your nature and to suppress it as    
though it were something shameful and   
weak8 ,do you wonder if the term  old   
maid has become synonym for everything  
that is narrow1 and hard1 and  prudish  
and repressive8 ,do you wonder that the 
girls of this generation1  confronted   
with the choice between such an attitude
 towards life as that1  and its         
opposite--willingness to give oneself to
 anyone1 to take all that  one can get1 
because life refuses so much that one   
had hoped for--do you  wonder that they 
often choose the second alternative8    
,does it seem to you  so astonishing    
that girls1 who think more than they    
used to1 who feel that  there is nothing
 to be ashamed of in the divine impulse 
of their creative  womanhood1 should    
rather take what they can get than      
accept that cruel1  cramped attitude of 
sheer repression which has been all too 

often their  only choice in the past8   
,is it really fair to say to them that  
their  moral standards are going down1  
that they have no sense now of morality 
or self-respect8 ,i tell you that if one
 has to make a choice between the       
suppression of one half--and that so    
beautiful a half--of human nature1 and  
its degradation1 ,i would not sit in    
judgment on those who chose either way4 
,but there is another possibility4 ,you 
can repress1 and ,god knows how many    
boys and young men1 how many young women
 and girls have struggled to do so1  and
 are trying to do so to-day1 with a     
sense always of guilt and shame  in     
their minds1 laying up mental           
difficulties for themselves1 the        
psychologists tell us1 by this          
repression4 ,you know the type2 you know
 the  kind of person who becomes hard   
and narrow and uncomprehending4 ,that is
  one type4 ,you can read it in their   
faces4 ,the pinched look1 the cramped   
mentality reflects itself in the body   

and in the face4 ,and then there is  the
 other type1 those who have rejected    
this attitude towards life1 denying     
that there is anything to be ashamed of 
in the natural impulse of their  sex1 or
 cause for regret if they give rein to  
that whose repression does  so much     
harm1 who frankly fling away the idea of
 self-control1 because  repression has  
seemed such a disastrous method of      
self-control4 ,you can see  it in their 
faces also2 in the gradual              
demoralization of their nature4  ,the   
rake on one hand1 the prude on the      
other1 represent the ultimate           
consequence of the process ,i am trying 
to describe4 ,many people have marked   
on their souls1 if not on their faces1  
one or other of these ways of life4     
,they have not1 perhaps1 gone far1 they 
may have gone but a little way in  one  
direction or the other2 but the mark on 
the soul remains all the same4  ,and    
when you see the extreme result1 the    
prude on one side1 the rake on  the     

other1 do you not begin to desire a     
better way8 ,to ask yourself whether    
there is not a third choice before you8 
,i believe there is2 and the choice is  
this3 ,it is neither the repression  nor
 the degradation1 but transformation of 
the sex side of our nature4  ,i will    
take as the supreme example of that     
transformation the figure of  ,christ   
,himself--,christ who had neither wife  
nor child--,st4 ,francis of  ,assisi1   
,st4 ,catherine of ,siena1 ,st4 ,theresa
 of ,spain4 ,four of the greatest       
figures--,one of them supreme--who were 
not natural celibates in the sense  that
 implies that they did not have surging 
through them the divine impulse  of     
creative love2 for these are the        
greatest lovers the world has ever      
seen1 and compared with theirs even the 
great love of one man for one  woman1   
one woman for one man1 is the lesser    
thing4 ,but these great figures  in     
human history are those on whose hearts 
,humanity itself made such a  claim that

 it became impossible for them to give  
to one what was claimed by  all the     
world4 ,you will see that this is not a 
denial of creative love1 for  no one in 
the world has so loved the world as     
these4 ,they are the beacons  of        
humanity in this matter of love1 and how
 are they1 shall we say1 how  are they  
not fathers and mothers1 whose spiritual
 children are all over the  world8 ,have
 they not born into the world with      
travail of soul1 the souls of  men and  
women8 ,these great ,lovers of ,humanity
 were not lacking in passion2  had they 
been they could not have moved the      
world2 but their passion was  transmuted
 to the service of ,humanity itself1 for
 nothing else was great  or wide enough 
for such a love4 ,does anyone suppose   
that it was a mere  instinct of         
asceticism that drove ,st4 ,francis to  
make out of snow1 cold  images of wife  
and child8 ,was it not rather the sudden
 resurgent desire of  the greatest of   
the saints for some more humanly warm   

affection1 something  more individual1  
something that nestles more closely to  
the heart1 than  this great service of  
,humanity8 ,and in a savage irony he    
mocks his pain4  ,there are thy         
children1 there is thy wife1 says ,st4  
,francis1 and his cry  is not the answer
 of the spirit to a lustful temptation3 
it was the cry of  a lonely human heart 
for the human happiness of wife and     
children and home4  ,aye1 and ,i would  
claim that ,our ,lord ,himself had this 
desire4 ,for ,i cannot  doubt that in   
that glorious young manhood of ,his1 so 
full of power and  sympathy and love1   
this agony of longing sometimes swept   
over ,him4 ,he whose  vitality and power
 were such that ,he hardly knew fatigue1
 who was so close  a friend1 so much    
loved and sought by women1 so tender to 
little children1  so young1 so          
strong--is it not certain that ,he was  
indeed tempted in all  things like as we
 are8 ,how could one so physically      
vital1 so humanly and  divinely full of 

love1 escape the conflict8 ,that ,he    
conquered we know2 that  ,he suffered we
 cannot doubt4 ,all ,his perfect        
humanity speaks to us in that  lonely   
cry3 ,the foxes have holes1 and the     
birds of the air have nests1 but  the   
,son of ,man hath not where to lay ,his 
head4 ,do not dream1 those of you  who  
may have to struggle with your own      
nature1 do not dream that ,christ  has  
not been there with you1 that ,he had   
nothing to feel or to suffer4 ,how      
would ,he have developed that spiritual 
power1 how would ,he have become so     
great a ,lover of the world if ,he knew 
nothing of that side of life8 ,but ,he1 
and ,his greatest followers--,st4       
,francis of ,assisi1 ,st4 ,catherine and
 ,st4  ,theresa1 and countless others   
who have followed them--learned to      
transmute  that great creative force1   
disdained both choices which ,i set     
before you1  finding a nobler and more  
glorious way4 ,these would neither      
repress this  great impulse1 nor        

dissipate it1 but so used it for the    
service of man that  there is in all the
 history of man no life more rich1 more 
human1 more full  of love1 more full of 
creation1 or more full of power1 than   
the lives of  these celibate men and    
women1 who learned from ,christ how they
 could live  and love4    ,it is not    
easy for men and women this way1 but it 
is possible4 ,it is  possible1 and it is
 glorious2 and1 in its degree1 the need 
for it comes to  everyone4 ,do not      
imagine that it is not needed in        
marriage as well as  out of marriage4   
,every married lover will tell you that 
if his love is to  remain what it was in
 the beginning--if it is rather to grow 
in power and  beauty--he also must be   
able gradually to transmute his love in 
such a way  that the spirit dominates   
the flesh more and more1 and that the   
physical  side of marriage becomes      
simply an expression of the love of the 
spirit1  the perfect final expression1  
the sacrament of love4 ,do not imagine  

that  this is not needed1 this effort1  
and this power1 by every human being who
  desires to be human in his love1 and  
not something less than human4 ,and to  
those to whom the need comes in its     
sternest form1 ,i will not pretend for  
a moment that it is not hard4 ,nay1 ,i  
will prophesy to you that if you do so  
choose to serve the world1 it will to   
all of you sometimes seem too hard4     
,with ,christ1 with ,st4 ,francis1 your 
human nature will sometimes assert      
itself4 ,the foxes have holes1 and the  
birds of the air have nests1 but the    
,son of ,man--the ,servant of           
,humanity--has no such joy4 ,but of     
whatever life  you choose1 that is      
sometimes true4 ,to the finest spirit in
 marriage there  comes sometimes the    
thought that1 but for this great claim1 
he might have  undertaken some          
adventure1 might have answered some     
call1 which now he  cannot answer4 ,does
 that mean that he regrets his choice8  
,no1 not for  a moment6 ,it only means  

that human nature is so rich and so     
varied that  whatever life you forego   
will sometimes seem to you the better   
choice4 ,you  will think1 for a moment1 
that you might have chosen differently4 
,if that  happened to ,st4 ,francis1    
believe me1 it will happen to you4 ,but 
yet1 is it  not a heroic path that ,i   
point out to you8 ,is it not possible   
that to this  generation heroism may be 
possible in such a way1 on such a scale1
 that you  will leave this world nobler 
in moral stature because of the hardness
  which you endured1 the choice that you
 made8 ,women1 to whom this comes home  
specially at this time1 may it not be   
that you1 by taking this way1 will      
become the mothers in spirit of women in
 a happier generation1 on whom will     
never again be imposed our cramped1     
stifling1 sub-human conception of what  
women ought to be8 ,you will show to the
 world not only that the individual     
woman of genius may have a value to     
,humanity beyond her sex1 but that every

  woman has that value4 ,in solving your
 own problem1 and taking hold of life   
where most it hurts you1 you will end by
 making a moral standard nobler1 a      
humanity richer and more human1 a       
womanhood freer1 greater1 more          
,christlike  than it was4 ,and future   
generations shall rise up and call you  
blessed4        ,,iii                   
,,consideration ,,of ,,other ,,solutions
 ,,of ,,the ,,problem ,,of ,,the        
,,disproportion ,,of ,,the  ,,sexes     
,my spirit's bark is driven       ,far  
from the shore1 far from the trembling  
throng       ,whose sails were never to 
the tempest given4         ,shelley3    
,adonais4      ,let us now move away    
from that aspect of the moral problem   
which  has concerned us hitherto--that  
of the difficulties created by the      
disproportion of the sexes at this time 
and in this country--and consider  the  
problem as it presents itself under more
 normal conditions4 ,for even  in ages  
and in countries where there are an     

equal number of men and women  there are
 difficulties in their relations with   
one another1 and a moral  problem4      
,people ask1 for example1 whether       
sex-relationships should be governed by 
law at all2 whether they should continue
 in any given case when passion has     
died1 or when love 7which is more than  
passion7 has gone4 ,should love ever  be
 other than perfectly free1 and is not  
the attempt to bind it essentially      
immoral8 ,should it ever be exclusive or
 proprietary8 ,is not the moral  problem
 really created1 not by human nature1   
but by the attempt to bind  what cannot 
be bound and to coerce what should be   
free8    ,the answer given to such      
questions is often to-day on the side of
 what is  called1 mistakenly1 ,i think1 
free love4 ,and in considering this     
answer1  ,i want to remind you that it  
is often given by people who are most   
sincere1  most idealistic1 in their own 
lives and in their own love4 ,indeed it 
has  often been pointed out that it is  

at times of great spiritual exaltation  
and fervour that the cult of free love  
is most likely to find adherents4  ,the 
great principle that love is the        
fulfilling of the law is held with  a   
fervour which makes any question as to  
what love is1 and how much it  involves1
 seem half-hearted and cold4 ,those who 
preach this doctrine remind  us--and    
very justly--of the weakness and        
insincerity of the orthodox  moral      
standard1 whether it is enforced by law 
or by custom4 ,they revolt  against the 
proprietary and possessive view of      
marriage as giving a  woman a hold over 
her husband when he has grown tired of  
her1 or as  justifying a man in         
enforcing upon his wife the rights which
 only love  makes right1 when she has   
grown tired of him4 ,i appeal1          
therefore1 to those  to whom the        
dispassionate discussion of free love   
seems quite outrageous1  to remember    
that there are those to whom this       
teaching is not a mere  excuse for      

licence1 but an attempt to reach        
something lovelier and nobler  than the 
present moral code1 whose failures and  
insincerities no thinking  person can   
ignore4    ,in considering this view1 ,i
 want first to point out that although  
to have  no legal or enforceable tie in 
sex-relationships seems on the surface  
much  the simplest and easiest way to   
arrange life1 although permanent        
monogamous  marriage is exceedingly     
difficult and inconvenient1 yet the     
movement of  humanity does seem to have 
been on the whole in that direction4 ,it
 is1 of  course1 untrue to say that     
among primitive peoples there is        
anything that  can fairly be called     
promiscuity4 ,historians and            
anthropologists have  taught us that    
among all peoples1 however barbarous1   
there are conventions1  sanctions1      
tabus1 by which the relations of men and
 women are regulated4  ,the customs of  
such people may seem to us mere licence2
 but they are not  so4 ,and some of the 

customs of more civilized countries are 
at least as  horrifying to the savage as
 his can be to us4 ,nevertheless1 it is 
true  to say that as civilization       
advances1 and especially where the      
position of  women improves1 the        
movement has been towards a more stable 
and exclusive  form of marriage4 ,we    
grope uncertainly towards it3 we fail   
atrociously4 ,yet  we do not abandon an 
ideal which asks so much of human nature
 that human  nature is continually      
invoked to prove its impossibility4     
,why have we persisted8 ,it is idle to  
speak of monogamy as though it were  a  
senseless rule imposed on unfortunate   
humanity by some all-powerful           
,superman4 ,we have imposed it on       
ourselves4 ,it is our doing4 ,why have  
we  done it8 ,surely because1 in spite  
of its alleged impossibility1 its       
obvious inconveniences1 there is some   
need in human nature which demands a    
permanent and a stable sex relationship 
to meet it4    ,i believe that there is 

something in our human nature which     
desires  stability in its relations with
 other human beings4 ,it is perhaps a   
recognition of the fact that1 though we 
live in time and suffer its  conditions1
 we are immortal also and chafe under   
too strict a bondage to  time4 ,our     
relations with other human beings ought 
not to be evanescent6  ,there is        
something cheap and shoddy in the giving
 and taking of human  personality on    
such easy soon-forgotten terms4 ,it is  
not only in sexual  relations that this 
is true4 ,it is true of all human       
intercourse4 ,the  longer care and      
devotion of human parents for their     
offspring is not a  physical only1 but a
 spiritual necessity3 and it is bound up
 with the  greater faithfulness of human
 lovers4 ,in parenthood1 in loverhood1  
in  friendship1 those who take their    
obligations lightly are not the finer   
sort of men and women1 but the slighter1
 cheaper make4 ,it is not a love of     
freedom but a certain inferiority and   

shoddiness that makes it possible  for  
us to give ourselves1 and take others1  
lightly4 ,for in all human              
relationships it is ourselves that we   
give and take4 ,it is not what your     
friend does for you or gives to you that
 makes him your friend2 but what  he is 
to you4 ,it is his personality that you 
have shared4 ,and so there  is something
 rather repulsive in quickly forgetting 
or throwing it away4  ,people who make  
friends and lose them as the trees put  
out their leaves  in spring to shed them
 in the autumn1 are not quite human4    
,the capacity to  make friends--to make 
many friends--is a great power3 the     
capacity to lose  them not so admirable4
 ,yet there are people who always have a
 bosom-friend1  every time you meet     
them2 only it is never the same friend4 
,and this is a  poor sort of friendship1
 for it is poor to give and take so     
little that  you easily cease or forget 
to give at all4    ,if this is true of  
friends1 it is not less true of lovers3 

it is more  true4 ,for sex-love includes
 more of one's personality1 it more     
completely  involves body1 soul and     
spirit1 is the most perfect form of     
union that  human beings know4 ,how     
strange1 then1 to argue that one may    
treat a lover  as one would not treat a 
friend6 ,make one and lose one so       
lightly1 and  disavow all the           
responsibility of a love in which so    
much is given1 so much  involved6 ,it is
 true that all human love has a physical
 element1 even if  it is only the desire
 for the physical presence of the       
beloved one4 ,we  all want sometimes to 
see and to touch our friends4 ,but in   
sex-love that  physical element becomes 
a desire for perfect union1 expressing a
 spiritual  harmony4 ,can one take such 
a gift lightly1 and pass from one       
relationship  to another with a         
readiness which would seem contemptible 
in a friend8    ,it is this holding of  
human personality cheap that is really  
immoral1  really dishonest3 for it is   

not cheap4 ,it is this which makes      
prostitution  a horror1 and prostitutes 
the ,ishmaels of their race4 ,they sell 
cheap what  is most dear1 and1 knowing  
this1 rage against their buyers4 ,the   
hideously  demoralizing effect of a life
 of prostitution on the soul is a       
commonplace4  ,these women1 it has been 
said1 sink so low that they cease to    
know what  love is1 they cease to be    
able to give4 ,they can only cheat and  
steal and  sell4 ,it is true4 ,whatever 
virtues of kindliness and pity the      
prostitute  may 7and often does7 have   
for other unfortunates and outcasts1 her
 attitude  in general does become that  
of the parasite1 the swindler1 the      
vampire4  ,why8 ,because on her the     
deepest outrage against human           
personality is  committed4 ,without a   
shadow of claim1 without a pretence of  
offering its  equivalent1 that1 in her1 
is bought and sold which is beyond      
price4 ,why  should she not cheat and   
thieve8 ,take all she can1 she cannot   

get the true  value of what has been    
bought from her4 ,does she reason all   
that out8 ,more  often than we think4   
,but whether she reasons consciously or 
not1 she knows  she has been defrauded3 
and she defrauds4    ,but it is the     
buying and selling1 ,i shall be told1   
that makes her so vile3  between such a 
sale and the free gift of lovers lies   
the whole difference  between morality  
and immorality4 ,i do not think so4 ,it 
is the contemptuous  use of another     
which is immoral1 and though actually to
 buy and sell the  person is the lowest 
depth of immorality1 because it is the  
lowest and  most brutal expression of   
such contempt1 any lightness or         
irreverence  is immoral in its degree2  
so therefore is conduct which makes love
 an  evanescent thing1 or the giving of 
personality which love involves1 a      
passing emotion4    ,if we feel this to 
be so in friendship1 surely it is more  
and not less  true of a union so        
complete on every plane as that of sex4 

,can you take  that--and give it--and   
pass on1 as though it were a light      
thing8    ,the desire for permanence1   
for stability1 for trustworthiness lies 
very  deep in human nature4 ,we may--we 
do--rebel against it1 and speak with    
rapture of an unfettered existence      
without material ties3 but even in      
material things the nomad is the least  
creative1 the least civilized of his    
kind4 ,his existence is neither so      
picturesque nor so human as we imagine4 
,one has only to read history to see how
 little he has contributed to           
humanity--and how little he has helped  
to raise the human level above the      
animal4 ,it is not for nothing that we  
find the home imposed upon human kind   
by the necessities of human infancy4 ,it
 is the helplessness of the child  that 
has humanized our species by creating   
the home which its helplessness         
demanded1 and though a great deal that  
is sentimental is said about homes1     
this remains a fact4 ,the nomadic1 the  

homeless race gives little to the       
world2 it is by nature and circumstances
 an exploiter of resources for  which it
 feels no responsibility1 from which it 
is content to take without  giving4     
,reading in a pamphlet of ,professor    
,toynbee's the other day1 ,i found  this
 description of the ,eastern world in   
the #aeth and #afth centuries of our    
era3--,even when the ,east began to     
recover and comparatively stable ,moslem
  states arose again in ,turkey and     
,persia and ,hindustan1 the nomadic     
taint  was in them and condemned them to
 sterility4444 ,one gets the impression 
not of a government administering a     
country1 but of a horde of nomads       
exploiting it4,b    ,footnote ,b3 ,the  
italics are mine4--,a4,m4,r4    ,even so
 is it with human love4 ,these nomads of
 the affections give and take  so little
 as they pass from hand to hand that    
they become cheap and have  little left 
to give at last3 nor do they really get 
what they would take4  ,men and women   

claim the right to experience1 but      
experience of what8 ,we  do not live by 
bread alone1 and the physical experience
 is not really  all we seek4 ,it is     
something1 however8 ,yes--certainly     
something3 but by  a paradox familiar   
enough in human affairs1 to snatch the  
lesser is to  sacrifice the greater4    
,the experimental lover1 the giver whose
 small and  careful gift is for a time1 
claims in the name of experience1 of the
  fulfilment of his nature1 what really 
belongs only to a greater giving4  ,such
 lovers are like a rich man who sets out
 tramping with nothing in his  pocket4  
,he may suffer temporary inconvenience1 
but is within safe distance  of his     
banking account4 ,he plays with a risk  
he can never really know1  since        
knowledge and experience are not for    
those whose sails were never  to the    
tempest given4 ,the prudent lover whose 
love is lightly given for  as long as it
 lasts is as wise--and as futile4    ,i 
think1 too1 that those who offer this   

little price for so great a thing  have 
nothing left at last4 ,to taste love1 to
 use the great passion of sex  is on a  
par with the exploitation of genius on a
 series of pot-boilers4  ,genius may    
outlast a few such meannesses1 but they 
will murder it at last1  and the man who
 by pot-boiling has gained the          
opportunity to create a real  work of   
art finds there is no more art left in  
him4 ,he has now the leisure1  the      
opportunity1 the public3 but not the    
power4 ,so is it with those who  lightly
 use so great a thing as sex4 ,yielded  
to every impulse1 given  to each        
new-hatched1 unfledged companion1 it    
loses its capacity for  greatness1 and  
the experience desired passes for ever  
from the grasp4    ,it is this which1 to
 my mind1 rules out the experimental    
marriage4  ,much may be said for it--and
 has been1 and is being said by people  
whose  judgment must command respect4   
,but love is impatient of lending4 ,if  
it  is not given outright in the belief 

that the gift is final1 can the         
experiment be valid8 ,is not this very  
sense of finality--this desire  to give 
and burn one's ships--of the very       
essence of love8 ,one cannot  experiment
 in finality4    ,it is true that many  
marriages would not have taken place1   
and had much  better not have taken     
place1 if there had been greater        
knowledge3 but we  have yet to learn    
what greater knowledge can do even      
without experiment4  ,hitherto we have  
gone to the opposite extreme and buried 
all that belongs  to sex not in a fog of
 ignorance only1 but under a mountain of
 hypocrisy  and lies4 ,let in the light1
 and see if we cannot do better6 ,and   
though it  is true that some things     
cannot be known by any amount of        
teaching1  and wait upon experience1 yet
 ,i submit that the essential experience
  is realized only when it is believed  
to be the expression of an undying      
love--a gift and not a loan4    ,let me 
say one last word on the solution to our

 moral difficulties proposed  by those  
who affirm for every woman the right to 
motherhood4 ,this  claim is based on the
 belief that the creative impulse is    
more1 or more  consciously1 present in  
the sexual nature of a woman than of a  
man1 and  that1 in consequence1 the     
satisfaction of that impulse is to a    
great extent  the satisfaction of a need
 which makes the disproportionate number
 of women  in any country a real        
tragedy4 ,it is impossible to generalize
 with any  degree of confidence about   
the sexual nature of either man or woman
 in our  present state of crude and     
barbarous ignorance2 but ,i am          
inclined--very  tentatively--to agree   
that this generalization is correct1 and
 that the  creative impulse is an even  
stronger factor in the sexual life of   
women  than of men4 ,i realize the      
cruelty of a civilization in which war  
and  its accessories create an          
artificial excess of women over men1 and
 in  consequence deprive hundreds of    

thousands of women of motherhood4 ,i do 
not  think ,i underestimate that cruelty
 or its tragic consequences4 ,i admit   
the  right of women to the exercise of  
their vocation and the fulfilment of    
their nature4    ,but ,i affirm that    
those who base upon this claim the right
 to bring  children into the world1     
where society has made marriage         
impossible1 are  not moved to do so by  
the instinct of motherhood4 ,no1 no1 for
 motherhood is  more than a physical    
act2 it is a spiritual power4 ,its first
 thought is  not for the right of the   
mother but of the child4 ,and what are a
 child's  rights8 ,a home--two          
parents--all that makes complete the    
spiritual as well  as the material      
meaning of home4 ,i do not believe that 
there is any  woman who is the mother of
 young children1 and a widow1 who does  
not  daily realize how irreparable is   
the loss sustained by the fatherless4   
,war  perhaps has inflicted that loss   
upon them2 it is one of the iniquities  

of  war4 ,and though the mother tries   
all she can--yes1 and works miracles of 
love to make herself all she can be to  
her child1 that loss cannot wholly  be  
made up4 ,i speak with intensity of     
conviction on this point1 for ,i have   
myself a little adopted child--orphaned 
of both parents--in my home4 ,i  never  
see other children with their parents   
without realizing what she has  lost not
 only in her mother but her father4     
,there is needed the different  point of
 view1 the different relationship1      
bringing with it a fuller and a  richer 
experience of life4 ,what woman that    
hast lost her husband does not  realize 
the truth of what ,i say8    ,it is     
beside the mark to say that a bad father
 is worse than no father1 or  that      
accident may take the father even from  
happily circumstanced homes4  ,this is  
true4 ,but a woman does not deliberately
 choose a bad father for  her children1 
or choose that he shall be taken away   
from them by death4  ,it is the         

deliberate infliction beforehand of this
 great loss upon a child  that seems to 
me the very negation of that motherhood 
in whose name this  right is enforced4  
,and for what purpose is a child to be  
brought into the  world under conditions
 so imperfect8 ,to fulfil the nature of 
its mother2  to complete her experience2
 to meet her need4 ,is there any mockery
 of  motherhood more complete than this 
sacrifice of the child to the mother8   
,why1 our physical nature itself is less
 selfish6 ,when a woman conceives1  her 
child receives first all the nourishment
 it needs2 whatever it does  not demand1
 the mother has4 ,a woman herself       
undernourished can1 if the  process has 
not gone too far1 bear a well-nourished 
and a healthy child1  because she has   
given all to that child4 ,it is the     
epitome of motherhood6  ,and now it is  
affirmed that a woman1 to satisfy her   
own need1 has a right  to bring into the
 world a child on whom she--its         
mother--has deliberately  inflicted a   

grave disadvantage4 ,i do not speak of  
such lesser disadvantages  as may be    
involved in illegitimacy4 ,i trust the  
time is at hand when  we shall cease to 
brand any child as illegitimate or      
despise one for  another's defect4 ,but 
though children are never illegitimate1 
parents may  be so2 and none more than  
the woman who sacrifices her child to   
herself4    ,for this disadvantage is   
not a mere cruelty of society which may 
be  civilized away2 it is inherent in   
the case4 ,a child should have a father 
and a mother and a home4    ,it is no   
defence to say that the unmarried mother
 proposes to give her  child a better   
home than many a child of married       
parents has4 ,if her  concern is for the
 child1 there are1 alas6 only too many  
waifs already in  the world to whom such
 a home1 though imperfect1 would be a   
paradise to  what it has4 ,real         
motherhood could and often does rescue  
such children with  joy4 ,that so few   
children are adopted in a world of women

 clamouring for  motherhood proves the  
essential selfishness of the claim4 ,it 
is not the  child--it is herself--that  
the woman who demands motherhood as a   
right is  concerned with4 ,what an      
irony6 ,for to satisfy herself first is 
the negation  of motherhood4    ,we have
 heard much of late years--and          
rightly--of the exploitation of  women  
by men4 ,let us not celebrate our       
growing enfranchisement by becoming     
ourselves the exploiters2 and that1 not 
of men1 but of babes4        ,,iv       
,,the ,,true ,,basis ,,of ,,morality    
,let me not to the marriage of true     
minds       ,admit impediments4 ,love is
 not love       ,which alters when it   
alteration finds1       ,or bends with  
the remover to remove3       ,o no6 it  
is an ever fixed mark       ,that looks 
on tempests1 and is never shaken2       
,it is the star to every wandering bark1
       ,whose worth's unknown1 although 
his height be taken4       ,love's not  
,time's fool1 though rosy lips and      

cheeks       ,within his bending        
sickle's compass come2       ,love      
alters not with his brief hours and     
weeks1       ,but bears it out ev'n to  
the edge of doom3--       ,if this be   
error1 and upon me proved1       ,i     
never writ1 nor no man ever loved4      
,w4 ,shakespeare4           ,he that    
committeth fornication sinneth against  
his own body4       ,what8 know ye not  
that your body is the temple of the     
,holy       ,ghost which is in you1     
which ye have of ,god1 and ye are not   
your own8 7,i4 ,cor4 vi41 #ah-ai47      
,i said in an earlier chapter that ,i   
wanted to find a moral standard which   
should be based on the realities of     
human nature1 and in order to do that   
we must first have a clear idea of what 
human nature really is1 and by what  law
 it lives4 ,we have been passing during 
the last generation from an idea  of law
 which belonged to our forefathers to a 
new idea of law which has  been given to
 us by modern science2 and in transition

 we still talk in  ambiguous terms about
 law--moral law1 for instance--confusing
 ourselves  between a law that is       
imposed on us from outside1 a law that  
is passed by  ,parliament1 for instance1
 or a law that has been the common      
custom of  the country through its      
judges1 and that kind of law which      
science has  revealed to us4 ,scientific
 law is not imposed from without2 it is 
the law  of our being4 ,when you talk of
 the law of gravitation1 you do not mean
  that somebody outside has laid it down
 that mass shall act in a certain  way  
with regard to other masses2 you mean   
that mass-material--being what it       
is--behaves in a certain way4 ,that is  
to say1 a scientific law is the law  of 
being of that which obeys the law4 ,it  
obeys it because it is its  nature to do
 so4 ,if we could get a firm1 hold of   
that idea of law1 our own  legislation  
would not be so senseless as it often   
is2 for we should try to  discover what 
is the nature of human beings--their    

real nature1 about which  we are often  
deceived--and we should try to make our 
laws1 including our  moral laws1 those  
to which human nature1 at its best1     
would most naturally  and fully respond4
 ,that is the conception that is at the 
back of the great  phrase which sounds  
like a paradox in one of the ,collects  
of the ,english  ,prayer ,book3 ,whose  
service is perfect freedom4 ,whose      
service is perfect  freedom2 that is to 
say1 when you obey ,god1 you find       
perfect freedom  because you are doing  
what it is your true nature to do4 ,and 
that is why ,i  want to base our moral  
law1 our moral standard1 on the         
realities of human  nature4 ,but1 you   
will reply1 when people are free to act 
as they choose  they sometimes choose to
 violate their own nature4 ,i cannot say
 how that  happens2 it involves the     
entire problem of evil2 and ,i do not   
propose even  to attempt to deal with it
 in this book4 ,i will only say that our
 confusion  has arisen1 as ,i think1 out

 of the very fact that instead of       
obeying the  law of our being we have   
violated it2 and now are so confused    
that we  hardly know what human nature  
really is1 or of what it is capable4    
,that  is why we get such               
extraordinarily different ideas about   
morals1 and why1  as ,i think1 we get   
such arbitrary judgments on human       
beings4    ,before1 then1 we can rightly
 establish our moral standard we have to
 decide  what human nature really is1   
and when we have done that we shall know
 what  is really moral4 ,i suppose that 
sounds like a paradox to many1 because  
they  think that morality is always     
going against human nature4 ,if people  
do  anything that is generally called   
immoral1 they will excuse themselves on 
the grounds of human nature2 they will  
say3 ,after all1 human nature being     
what it is1 you must expect this1 that  
and the other kind of licence and       
immorality2 and to say that morality1   
real morality1 can only be based  on the

 realities of human nature will         
therefore sound to many of you the      
wildest kind of paradox4 ,but ,i want to
 pursue it just as though it were  true1
 because ,i believe it is true4         
,what1 then1 are the realities of our   
nature8 ,here is one3 a human being is  
not and never can be cut off from other 
human beings4 ,he is not alone4 ,he     
cannot consider himself only4 ,if he    
does so he violates his own nature1     
because it is not his nature to be      
alone1 and he cannot act without his    
actions affecting other people4 ,he     
cannot think1 he cannot feel1 he cannot 
act or speak without affecting other    
people1 and it is futile for anyone  to 
say3 ,it does not matter to others what 
,i do2 nobody knows2 it concerns  only  
myself4 ,your innermost thought affects 
the whole world in which you  live1 and 
whatever moral standard you are going to
 adopt1 you must take  it for granted   
that your standard will affect other    
people1 and that it is  absolutely      

impossible for you to act or think      
alone4    ,and then human beings are    
three-fold in nature4 ,they have a body1
 a  mind--or what ,st4 ,paul calls a    
soul--and a spirit4 ,soul is a word     
whose  meaning we have altered so much  
that ,i must define what ,i mean by it  
and  what ,i think ,st4 ,paul meant by  
it4 ,the soul includes the emotions and 
the  intellect1 that part of a man which
 is not wholly physical and which is not
  entirely spiritual4 ,everyone has a   
soul4 ,and every one of you1 however    
much you ignore your body1 however much 
you may tell me your body does not      
really exist1 have got a body too4 ,you 
have to eat and drink and sleep1  just  
like the most material alderman1 though 
you may eat less4 ,and you  cannot base 
a real moral standard on the pretence   
that you have not got a  body4 ,you are1
 on one side of your nature1 physical1  
material1 animal2 but  you have got a   
mind and emotions or soul2 and you have 
got a spirit4 ,to  act as though you had

 not is just as futile as to pretend    
that you have  not got a body4 ,where   
there is no vision the people perish4   
,mankind  is incurably religious4 ,all  
the world seeks after ,god4 ,those      
proverbs1  those sayings1 which are     
familiar to all1 crystallize the world's
  experience that human beings are      
spiritual beings4 ,if there is any      
person  who thinks that he is merely an 
intellect and a body1 ,i will direct the
  attention of that intellect of his    
away from himself to the race1 and  ,i  
will remind him that practically no race
 in the world has ever been  entirely   
without the sense of ,god2 that1 however
 hard men try1 they have  never been    
able to cure humanity of its spiritual  
hunger2 that though our  gods are often 
gross and earthy1 even diabolical1 yet  
they are spiritual1  and they are the   
proof that man is spiritually aware2    
that he is a spirit  as well as a body  
and a soul4 ,now ,i say that anyone who 
tries to base his  morality on the      

assumption that he is only a body1 or   
only an intelligence1  or only a spirit1
 has got a false standard1 and his      
morality is a dishonest  kind of        
morality4 ,the body will avenge itself  
on those who ignore it4  ,psychologists 
are teaching us that the mind will      
avenge itself on those who  ignore it4  
,and this is just as true of the spirit4
 ,where there is no vision  the people  
do perish4 ,your spiritual nature       
avenges itself on those who try  to rule
 it out4 ,base your morality either on  
the exclusion of any part of  your      
being1 or on the assumption that what   
you do concerns yourself alone2  and you
 will find that you are violating human 
nature4 ,it is useless for  you to act  
wrongly and to affirm that you do it    
because human nature is  what it is4    
,when you do so1 you are assuming that  
human nature is not  what it is2 that is
 to say you assume that it is purely    
physical1 when1 in  fact1 it is         
three-fold--body1 soul and spirit4 ,you 

can see for yourselves1  ,i think1 how  
this violation of human nature works    
itself out4 ,for animals  promiscuity is
 not wrong4 ,when they treat themselves 
as purely animals  they are basing their
 moral standard1 if ,i may put it so1 on
 bed-rock2 they  are animals1 and       
therefore they behave as animals without
 violating any  law of their being4 ,as 
they rise higher in the scale of        
evolution their  morals become nobler4  
,there are moral standards among the    
lower animals1  but they remain at a    
certain level1 and rightly so4 ,no      
animal is harmed by  behaving like an   
animal1 for in doing so he obeys the law
 of his being2 but  if human beings     
behave as though they were animals1 what
 happens8 ,they find  to their horror   
that they have let loose upon the world 
detestable1 hideous  and devastating    
diseases4 ,do you think that medicine   
will ever be able  to rid the world of  
what are called the diseases of         
immorality as long as  immorality       

remains8 ,i do not believe it4 ,i know  
that you can do much for  individual    
sufferers1 though you cannot do         
one-tenth part of what doctors  thought 
they were going to be able to do1 eight 
or nine years ago4 ,and1 of  course1    
whatever we can do1 we must and ought to
 do4 ,but we do not reach  the root of  
the matter by medicine4    ,no scientist
 can tell us how small-pox or           
tuberculosis or rheumatism first        
entered the world2 but any scientist can
 tell us that by wrong living1  wrong   
housing1 wrong feeding1 we can breed and
 spread and perpetuate  disease4 ,in    
other words1 we are diseased not because
 we obey the laws  of our nature but    
because we violate them3 and though we  
can take the  individual sufferer and   
7sometimes7 cure him1 we shall not get  
rid of the  disease until we have learnt
 to obey those laws and to live rightly4
    ,in just the same way the diseases  
of vice1 though no one can say how they 
first came into the world1 continue and 

flourish1 not because of human  nature1 
but because we violate some law of our  
own nature in what we do4 ,we  may even 
cure the individual2 we may see a       
thousand struck and a thousand  guilty  
escape2 the fact remains that these     
diseases are bred in the swamp  of      
immorality1 just as certainly as malaria
 is bred in the mosquito-haunted  pools 
of the malaria swamp4 ,drain the swamp1 
and you get rid of the  malaria1 for    
there is no longer any place for the    
malaria-bearing mosquito  to breed4     
,drain the swamp of immorality1 and you 
get rid of venereal  disease1 because   
there is no longer a place where these  
diseases can breed4  ,live rightly1 and 
your nature will respond in health4     
,when human beings  elect to make their 
relations with one another              
promiscuous--when1 that is  to say1 they
 treat themselves as animals--they are  
not obeying1 they are  violating the law
 of their own being2 for they are not   
animals only1 and  to treat themselves  

as such is to disobey the law of their  
own nature4 ,and  disobedience reacts in
 disease4    ,so again1 the relations of
 men and women are of the mind as well  
as of the  body and the spirit4 ,you    
cannot rule out your mind1 and ,i think 
that those  who believe1 as many do     
today1 not indeed in a merely animal    
promiscuity1  but in rather casual      
relations between men and               
women--experiments1 if you  like1 men   
and women passing from one union to     
another--rule out the fact  that a human
 being has a mind1 a memory and         
foresight2 that our being  includes a   
past1 and1 in a sense1 includes a future
 also2 and when you try  to divorce your
 physical experience from your          
intellectual and emotional  being you   
are again violating the law of your own 
nature4    ,i remember asking one of the
 most happily married women that ,i know
 to put  into words1 if she could1 the  
reason why she believed that married    
people1  married lovers1 should not have

 gone through other relationships with  
other  people before they gave          
themselves to one another4 ,i asked her 
to express  in words what seemed to her 
immoral4 ,she wrote this3 ,in the ideal 
union  between ,god and man1 we know    
that man must give the fulness of his   
being1  body1 mind and spirit1          
throughout his whole life1 to ,god1 and 
that anything  less than this1 though it
 may be fine and noble1 does fall short 
of  perfection4 ,it is the same with the
 human love of men and women4 ,the      
'fulness of our being' which we desire  
to give to our lover consists not  only 
in what we are at any given moment but  
in what we have been in the  past1 what 
we may become in the future4 ,and so in 
the formation of  merely temporary      
unions the highest and deepest unity can
 never be fully  achieved4 ,she went on 
to say3 ,when we have passed beyond the 
physical  sphere we shall be able1 like 
,god1 to give ourselves equally to all2 
but  while we are in the flesh we cannot

 share ourselves equally with all1 and  
any attempt to do so lowers the standard
 of perfect human love4 ,i like  that1  
because it is based again on a loyal    
acceptance of human nature4 ,we  are not
 yet as ,god in the sense that1 being   
wholly spirit1 we can share  ourselves  
equally with all4 ,we do still live in  
bodies1 and we have in this  life memory
 and prevision1 and surely that is      
indeed an ideal union1 if we  are       
looking for the highest1 which is able  
to give its past and its future  as well
 as its present1 so that the whole      
personality is involved1 in  that act of
 union1 and that anything short of that 
is at least not quite  perfect4 ,human  
beings are still in the body1 and are   
yet soul and spirit in  that body1 and  
must take both into account4 ,divorce   
the physical from the  spiritual in     
yourself1 and you are violating         
yourself4 ,divorce the physical  from   
the spiritual in someone else--you who  
perhaps say3 ,i myself love  such a man1

 such a woman1 with the best part of    
myself2 what ,i do with  another is of  
no importance--you violate the nature of
 that other from  whom you take what is 
physical1 and leave what is spiritual as
 though it  were not there4    ,your    
life1 like your body1 is too highly     
organized1 too sensitive1 too knit      
together by memories and prevision for  
you to leave behind you anything  that  
has really entered into your life4 ,it  
is a shoddy and superficial  nature that
 passes easily from experience to       
experience1 and when you look  at such  
you can see how shallower still it      
becomes4 ,it is the deeper and  the     
loftier nature that cannot enter into   
any human relationship and then  pass   
away from it altogether unchanged4 ,and 
even that shoddy1 that poor1  that mean 
little soul which seems to pass so      
lightly from one experience to  another 
does not really altogether escape4 ,some
 mark is left upon the soul1  some      
association remains in the memory2 and  

again and again marriages have  been    
wrecked because a man has taken the     
associations of the gutter into  the    
sanctuary of his home4 ,unwillingly1    
with an imagination that fain would     
reject the stain1 he has injured1 he has
 insulted the love that has now  come to
 him1 the most precious thing on earth1 
because he has not known how  to do     
otherwise2 because all the associations 
of passion have been to him  degraded1  
smirched1 treated frivolously in the    
past4 ,it is true of men2 it  is also   
true of women4 ,i do not know of        
anything that makes understanding       
harder between two people than the fact 
that one has had experiences and        
associations which the other has not had
 and does not understand1 because  they 
are on an entirely different level4     
,these create between them1  with all   
the desire for understanding in the     
world1 a barrier of  misunderstanding   
and incomprehension1 which is all the   
more fatal because  it is so intangible1

 so obscure1 so hard to put into words1 
so often  actually unconscious or       
subconscious in the mind of one or of   
the other4    ,again1 you must not think
 that you are altogether spirit1 and    
here perhaps  it is the woman who is    
more apt to sin than the man4 ,how often
 have ,i  talked to women who speak of  
the physical side of love as though it  
were  something base and unworthy6 ,such
 a conception of passion is inhuman1 and
  therefore it is not really moral4 ,a  
woman who thinks of this sacrament of   
love1 for which perhaps the man who     
loves her has kept himself clean all    
his life1 as a base thing1 and who      
treats it as though it were a concession
  to something base in a man's nature1  
instead of being the very consecration  
of body and soul at once1 the sacrament 
of union1 one of the loveliest  things  
in human nature--such a woman gives as  
great a shock to what is  sacred and    
lovely in her husband's nature as he    
when he brings with him  into his       

marriage the associations of the street4
 ,it is as hard1 it is as  insulting1 it
 makes marriage as difficult in         
understanding1 one way as the  other4   
,for it is not true that our bodies are 
vile and base2 they are the  temples of 
the ,holy ,spirit4    ,or if you think  
that you can stand alone1 that what you 
do is the concern  of no one else1 that 
your life is a solitary thing1 so       
solitary that no man  or woman is       
concerned1 no one but yourself1 and you 
may sin alone--there  again you         
misunderstand4 ,you cannot stand alone1 
and nothing that you say  or think or do
 leaves the world unchanged4 ,is that   
difficult to believe in  these days1    
when psychology is teaching us how      
all-important thought is8  ,ought you to
 find it hard to believe that what you  
do in the utmost secrecy  affects       
others1 since it affects you1 and no man
 lives to himself alone8  ,i do not wish
 to exaggerate4 ,i have a horror of     
those books and people who  speak in    

exaggerated terms of any kind of sexual 
lapse4 ,i am persuaded that  human      
beings can rise from such mistakes1 and 
rise much more easily than  from the    
subtler spiritual sins which have so    
much more respectable an air4  ,but yet 
do not sin under the impression that    
what you do concerns yourself  alone4   
,do not use1 for your own satisfaction  
only1 powers which were given  you for  
creation and for the world4    ,but     
this1 you may say1 is not the accepted  
standard of morality4 ,that is a  matter
 rather of laws and ceremonies4 ,and    
people begin to ask2 ,what real         
difference can a mere ceremony make8 ,it
 does not make any difference to  the   
morality of your relationships with your
 fellow men and women4 ,nothing  that is
 immoral becomes moral because it has   
been done under a legal  contract1 or   
consecrated by a rite4 ,there1 ,i think1
 is where the world has  gone so wrong4 
,the idea that a relation that is       
selfish1 cruel1 mercenary1  becomes     

moral because someone has said some     
words over you1 and you have  signed a  
register--what a farcical idea6 ,how on 
earth does that change  anything at all8
 ,the morality of all civil or religious
 ceremony lies1 ,i  think1 in this--that
 by accepting and going through it1 you 
accept the fact  that your love does    
concern others besides yourself2 it will
 concern your  children2 and beyond     
that1 it concerns the world4 ,you are   
right when you  ask your friends to come
 and rejoice with you at your wedding4  
,it is the  concern of all the world    
when people love each other1 and it is  
the failure  of love that concerns them 
when marriage is a failure4 ,such       
failure  chills the atmosphere2 it      
shakes our faith in love as the supreme 
power in  the universe2 it makes us all 
waver in our allegiance to constancy and
  love when love fails4 ,it is a joyful 
thing when people love4 ,all the  world 
loves a lover4 ,it is an old saying1 but
 what a true one6 ,it is our  concern   

when people nobly and loyally love each 
other1 it is the concern of  the        
community1 and those who take upon      
themselves these public vows seem to  me
 to have a more truly moral conception  
of love than those who say3 ,this  is   
our affair only2 it is not the affair of
 the ,state or the affair of the        
,church4 ,but the actual ceremony must  
be the expression of a moral feeling    
such as that4 ,it cannot in itself make 
moral what is immoral6 ,the old  idea   
that if a woman was seduced by a man she
 was made honest by the man  marrying   
her is essentially immoral4 ,very likely
 all that she knew about  the man was   
that she could not trust him1 and to    
suppose that we can set  right what is  
wrong by tying them together for the    
rest of their lives is  to imagine an   
absurdity and to establish a lie4    ,or
 take the case from another point of    
view4 ,i have two in my mind at this    
moment1 who for some reason 7a reason   
not very far to seek if you read our    

,english marriage laws7 came to the     
conclusion that it is not right to place
  oneself in such a position as a       
married woman is in under ,english law4 
,i am  not discussing whether they were 
right or wrong2 ,i say that quite       
sincere  and moral people do come to    
that conclusion sometimes1 and so did   
these  two4 ,they lived together1       
therefore1 without being legally        
married4 ,they  were absolutely faithful
 to each other2 their love was as       
responsible1 as  dignified1 as true as  
any such relation could be4 ,it lacked  
to my mind one  thing--the sense of a   
wider responsibility--but then it had   
very much that  many legal marriages    
have not4 ,those two people are put     
outside society2  it is made almost     
impossible for them to earn their       
living2 and at last  in despair they go 
to the registry office1 and sign their  
names in a book4  ,what difference has  
been made in their relation to each     
other8 ,absolutely  none4 ,they are no  

more convinced of the right and duty of 
the community  to be concerned with     
marriage than they were before4 ,they   
have yielded  to coercion4 ,their moral 
standard1 good or bad1 is precisely what
 it was2  their relation to each other  
wholly unchanged4 ,but in the eyes of   
the world  they have become respectable1
 they are moral1 they can be received   
back into the bosom of society4 ,and    
why8 ,because they have gone through a  
ceremony in which they do not believe6  
,every marriage in the world probably   
lacks something of perfection4 ,there   
are no perfect human beings1 and1       
therefore1 hardly1 perhaps1 a perfect   
marriage2 and to my mind those who do   
not admit the concern of the  community 
in their marriage do lack something4    
,but to suppose that those  people are  
immoral1 when others who live together1 
legally licensed to do  so1 in          
selfishness1 in infidelity1 for         
financial reasons1 or for social        
reasons1 are moral is fundamentally     

dishonest4 ,when a woman sells her body 
for money1 do you think that it makes it
 moral that she does it in a church  or 
in a registry office8 ,is there one whit
 of difference1 morally1 between  the   
prostitution that has no legal          
recognition and the prostitution that   
has8 ,is it anything but prostitution to
 sell yourself for money1 whether  you  
are a man or a woman8 ,do you imagine   
that because you have a contract  to    
protect you while you do it1 you are    
doing what is moral8 ,if you marry  for 
any reason but love--for experience1 to 
complete your nature--without  much     
regard to the man or woman you marry1 or
 to the children you bring  into the    
world1 are you not exploiting human     
nature just as certainly1  though not so
 brutally1 as a man who buys a woman in 
the street8 ,it is not  so base a form  
of exploitation1 ,god knows2 that ,i    
admit2 but when there  is any element of
 exploitation in the bargain it is not  
made more truly  moral because it       

happens to be blessed in a church or    
registered in an  office4 ,the legal    
ceremony must be the outcome of a       
morality which makes  you realize that  
what you do affects other people1 that  
what you do  most profoundly affects the
 children that you hope to have1 and    
that the  community has both an interest
 and a responsibility in all this4 ,that
 is  moral4 ,but if the relationship    
thus to be legalized is not moral1 it is
  dishonest to pretend that it can be   
made so by any ceremony which those     
concerned may undergo4    ,but1 you will
 say1 we cannot peer into other people's
 lives and judge them  in this kind of  
way4 ,how are we to know8 ,how are we1  
who have many friends1  many neighbours1
 on whom our standards must react1 to   
judge their lives8  ,we can tell who has
 gone through a legal ceremony and who  
refuses to do  so4 ,that is a nice      
convenient rule by which we can judge   
and condemn such  people4 ,but we cannot
 go poking into people's lives and      

studying their  motives and judging     
their fundamental moral standards6 ,no1 
you cannot4 ,why  should you8 ,this     
little set of iron rules makes it very  
easy to judge1 does  it not8 ,but why do
 you desire it to be easy to judge8 ,you
 and ,i know how  infinite are the      
gradations between the most noble kind  
of chastity and  the most ignoble kind  
of immorality2 but which of us is to    
create a rigid  standard and measure our
 friends and acquaintances against it8  
,we do not  do it with the other        
virtues3 why do we desire to do it with 
this one8  ,take such a virtue as truth4
 ,conceive the crystalline sincerity of 
some  truth-loving minds1 realize that  
some have such a devotion to truth that 
the faintest shadow of insincerity--not 
a lie1 but the merest shadow of         
insincerity in the depths of their      
hearts--is abhorrent to them4 ,consider 
the infinite gradations between that    
mind and the mind which takes a lie  for
 truth1 a mind that is rotten with      

corruption1 that does not know how to   
think straight1 let alone care to speak 
straight4 ,you do not draw up your      
little set of rules and say3 ,i do not  
call on that person because he does  not
 speak the truth2 and ,i won't have     
anything to do with that one--such      
persons are outside the social pale     
altogether because their conception of  
truth is different from mine6    ,no1   
you keep your admiration for the        
truth-loving and the sincere4 ,you      
recognize that people have different    
standards about what is truth4 ,one     
person will never tell a lie under any  
circumstances3 another will reckon      
himself free to tell a lie to save a    
third1 or to preserve a confidence2     
will you judge which is the more        
honourable of the two8 ,where is your   
little set of rules8 ,you cannot have   
one4 ,you shrink from the person who  is
 morally dishonest and corrupt2 you     
worship the person who loves truth as   
,darwin loved it4 ,but between those two

 extremes what an infinite variety of   
attainment6 ,who can say3 ,these people 
are moral because they are married1  and
 those are immoral1 they are not        
married8 ,it is not true1 it is not     
honest1 to make these rules our measure4
 ,they do not meet the realities  of    
human nature1 and ,i contend that we1   
who have known souls so chaste  and     
lovely that they make us in love with   
virtue1 do far more to raise  the moral 
standard of humanity by seeking to      
imitate such people than by  setting up 
our little codes of rules and condemning
 or justifying all men  by them4 ,let us
 treat this virtue as we do every other 
virtue1 not fitting  it to a set of     
rules which everyone knows do not fit   
the realities1 but  taking our courage  
in our hands and judging human beings   
7if we must  judge them7 by their real  
sincerity1 their real unselfishness1    
their real  unwillingness to exploit    
others--the measure of the chastity of  
their  souls4        ,v      ,,the      

,,moral ,,standard ,,of ,,the ,,future3 
,,what ,,should ,,it ,,be8           ,ye
 have heard that it was said by them of 
old time1 ,thou shalt       not commit  
adultery3 but ,i say unto you1 ,that    
whosoever looketh       on a woman to   
lust after her hath committed adultery  
with her       already in his heart4 ,it
 hath been said1 ,whosoever shall put   
away his wife let him give her a writing
 of divorcement3 ,but ,i       say unto 
you that whosoever shall put away his   
wife1 saving for       the cause of     
fornication1 causeth her to commit      
adultery3 and       whosoever shall     
marry her that is divorced committeth   
adultery4         ,again ye have heard  
that it has been said by them of old    
time1       ,thou shalt not forswear    
thyself1 but shall perform unto the     
,lord thine oaths3 but ,i say unto you1 
,swear not at all2 neither       by     
heaven2 for it is ,god's throne2 nor by 
the earth2 for it is       his          
footstool2 neither by ,jerusalem2 for it

 is the city of the       great ,king4  
,neither shalt thou swear by thy head1  
because thou       canst not make one   
hair white or black4 ,but let your      
communications be1 ,yea1 yea2 ,nay1 nay3
 for whatsoever is more       than these
 cometh from evil4 7,matthew v41 #bg-bh2
 #ca-cg47      ,i have tried to reach   
those realities of human nature on which
 human  morality must be based4 ,i      
believe that the fundamental things     
which we  must take into account are1   
first1 the complex nature of human      
beings1  who having body1 soul1 and     
spirit to reckon with cannot neglect any
 one of  these without insincerity2 and1
 secondly1 the solidarity of the human  
race1  which makes it futile to act as  
though the morals of any one of us could
  be his own affair alone4    ,it is    
because of this solidarity that marriage
 has always been regarded as  a matter  
of public interest1 to be recognized by 
law1 celebrated by some  public         
ceremony1 protected by a legal contract4

 ,all are concerned in this  matter1 for
 it affects the race itself1 through the
 children that may be  born4    ,human  
children need what animals do not1 or   
not to the same extent4 ,they  need two 
parents3 they need a stable and         
permanent home3 they need a  spiritual  
marriage1 a real harmony between their  
parents1 as well as a  physical one4 ,a 
child is not provided for when you have 
given it a home  and food and clothing1 
since it is a spirit as well as a       
body--a soul and  a spirit1 a being     
craving for love1 and needing to live in
 an atmosphere  of love4 ,the young of  
no other species need this as children  
do1 and  therefore1 it is the concern of
 the community to see that the rights of
  these most helpless and most precious 
little ones are safeguarded4 ,i cannot  
believe that any ,state calling itself  
civilized can ever disregard the  duty  
of safeguarding the human rights of the 
child1 and ,i repeat its  human rights  
are not sufficiently met when its       

physical necessities are  guaranteed4   
,but ,i go further4 ,i claim that it is 
really the concern of all  of us that   
people who love should do so honestly1  
faithfully1 responsibly4  ,marriage     
should be permanent2 that is true in a  
sense that makes it  important to all of
 us that it should succeed4 ,those who  
have loved and  ceased to love have not 
failed for themselves only but for all4 
,they have  shaken the faith of the     
world4 ,they have inclined us to the    
false belief  that love is not eternal4 
,they have1 so far as they could1       
destroyed  a great ideal1 injured a     
great faith4 ,people--and some of these 
are my  personal friends1 and people for
 whom ,i have a very great respect--who 
affirm that a legal or religious        
marriage is not necessary because their 
relations to one another are not the    
concern of the community1 may have1 it  
seems to me1 a morality that is lofty1  
but not one that is broad1 not one  that
 is truly human4 ,it is not true 7and1  

therefore1 it is not moral7 to  say that
 marriage is not the concern of other   
people4 ,no one can fail in  love1 no   
one can take on himself so great a      
responsibility and fail to  fulfil it1  
without all of us being concerned4      
,humanity is solidaire4  ,the community 
is and must be concerned in the love of 
men and women in  marriage4 ,but what   
should be the nature of that concern8   
,what should  we--the community--hold up
 as the right standard of               
sex-relationship1 and  what methods     
should we use to impose it on others8 ,i
 think you will have  gathered from what
 ,i have said already that1 to my mind1 
marriage should  be a union that looks  
forward to being permanent1 faithful1   
monogamous4 ,it  should be the          
expression of a union of spirit so      
perfect that the union  of the bodies of
 those who love follows as a kind of    
natural necessity4 ,it  should be the   
sacrament of love1 the outward and      
visible sign of an inward  and spiritual

 grace4 ,and something of this          
perfection is to be found in  many      
marriages that seem 7and are7 far from  
complete4 ,i often hear of the  lives of
 married people where there has been    
very much to overcome1 where  perhaps   
the marriage has been entered into in   
ignorance and error2 where  the passion 
that brought the two together has been  
very evanescent2 where  it has soon     
become evident that their temperaments  
do not fit2 where it  might easily be   
said that they were not really married  
at all3 yet  there has been in these two
 such a stubborn loyalty to             
responsibilities  undertaken1 such a    
magnificent sense of faithfulness1 such 
a determination  to make the best out of
 what they have rather lightly          
undertaken2 sometimes  even only on one 
side1 there has been such faith1 such   
honour1 such  loyalty1 such a refusal to
 admit a final failure1 that a          
relationship poor  in promise has become
 beautiful and sacred4 ,in face of such 

loyalty1 the  theory that               
sex-relationships can rightly be brief1 
evanescent1 thrown  aside as soon as    
passion has gone1 seems to me very cheap
 and shoddy1 very  unworthy of human    
beings4 ,marriage should be all         
that--shall ,i say8--the  ,brownings    
made of it4 ,but when it is not1 there  
is still often much that is  left4 ,men 
and women1 you cannot enter into one    
another's lives in this deep  and       
intimate way and go on your way as      
though nothing had happened4 ,you       
cannot tear asunder people so united    
without bleeding4 ,you cannot make a    
failure of it without immeasurable loss4
      ,how do ,i love thee8 ,let me     
count the ways4    ,i love thee to the  
depth and breadth and height    ,my soul
 can reach1 when feeling out of sight   
,for the ends of ,being and ideal       
,grace4    ,i love thee to the level of 
everyday's    ,most quiet need1 by sun  
and candlelight4    ,who that has once  
heard this can easily take anything     

less8 ,or who1 having  loved in any of  
these ways1 will lightly break the bond8
 ,i think that one  of the most         
profoundly moral relationships ,i have  
ever met between a  man and a woman was1
 in spite of all that ,i have said up   
till now1 the  relationship of a man to 
a woman to whom at first he was not     
legally  married4 ,it was her wish1 not 
his1 but they were not legally married4 
,they  had no children1 and she was     
unfaithful to him more than once1 and   
yet this  man--and he did not call      
himself a ,christian--this man felt that
 he had  taken the responsibility of    
that woman's life1 and though he could  
easily  have put her away1 and though1  
at last1 she killed in him all that you 
would normally call love between a man  
and woman1 and he learned to care  for  
another woman1 yet he would not abandon 
her because now she had grown  to need  
him1 and he felt he could not take so   
great a human responsibility  as the    
life of another person and then cast it 

away as though it had never  been4 ,that
 is morality4 ,to such a sense of what  
human relationships demand  my whole    
soul gives homage4 ,that seems to me a  
perfectly humane and1  therefore1 truly 
moral idea of what love involves4 ,such 
a sense of  responsibility should go    
with all love4 ,passion cannot last1 in 
the nature  of things1 and1 therefore1  
those who marry do so1 if they know     
anything  at all of love--and1 ,god help
 them1 many of them do not--but if they 
know  anything at all of love1 they know
 that it is physically impossible for   
this particular bond always to unite    
them4 ,they must be aware that there  is
 something more than that1 something    
that must in the end transcend that     
physical union4    ,looking at marriage 
from that point of view1 can one desire 
that it should  be anything less than   
permanent1 indissoluble8 ,that which    
,god made1 and1  therefore1 which no man
 should put asunder8 ,let the           
community--both ,church  and            

,state--teach this4 ,let us make it     
clear that men and women should not     
marry unless they do sincerely believe  
that their love for each other is  of   
this character4 ,let them understand    
that physical union should be  the      
expression of a spiritual union4 ,let   
them learn that love1 though it         
includes passion1 is more than passion1 
and must transcend and outlive  passion4
 ,and let us insist that all should     
learn the truth about  themselves--about
 their own bodies and about their own   
natures--so that  they may understand   
what they do1 and may have all the help 
that knowledge  can give in doing it4 ,i
 hold that on such knowledge and such   
understanding  the community should     
insist1 if it is to uphold the high and 
difficult  standard of indissoluble     
monogamous marriage4 ,so only can it be 
rightly  upheld4    ,i urge also that   
when a marriage takes place the ,state  
has a right and a  duty with regard to  
it4 ,for the sake of every citizen1 and 

most of all for  the sake of the        
children1 it should solemnize marriage1 
and should do so  on the                
understanding--clearly expressed--that  
those who come to be married  intend to 
be faithful to each other as long as    
they both shall live4    ,in doing this 
,i believe the ,state does all--or      
nearly all--that it usefully  can to    
uphold the dignity of marriage and a    
high standard of morality4 ,i do  not   
believe that it should seek to penalize 
those whose sex-relationships  are not  
of this character1 except so far as     
legislation for the protection  of the  
immature or the helpless is concerned4  
,and ,i do not think it should          
compel--or seek to compel1 for          
compulsion is1 in fact1 impossible--the 
observance of a marriage which has lost 
or never had the elements of  reality4  
,is this to abandon the ideal ,i have   
been upholding8 ,i do not think so4     
,let us refer again to the greatest of  
,teachers and the loftiest of           

,idealists--,jesus ,christ4 ,see what   
,he teaches in the ,sermon on the ,mount
 and  elsewhere4 ,everywhere ,he        
emphasizes the spiritual character of   
virtue  and of sin4 ,to be a murderer it
 is not necessary to kill3 to hate is1  
in itself1 enough4 ,if you hate you are 
essentially a murderer4 ,to be  an      
adulterer it is not necessary to commit 
adultery3 to look on a woman  lustfully 
is already to have committed adultery   
with her in your heart4 ,it  is the     
spirit that sins4 ,so keep your spirit  
pure4 ,it is not enough to keep  your   
oaths3 you should be so utterly and     
transparently sincere that there  is no 
need and no sense in supporting your    
words by great oaths4 ,yea and  ,nay    
should be sufficient4    ,you will      
notice that the ,sermon on the ,mount   
has been divided in this  chapter into a
 number of paragraphs1 each of which    
begins by a reference  to the old       
external law of conduct1 and goes on to 
demand a more searching1  more spiritual

 and interior virtue4 ,ye have heard    
that it was said by them  of old        
time4444 ,but ,i say unto you4    ,ye   
have heard that it was said3 ',thou     
shalt not kill' 444 but ,i say unto  you
 that whosoever is angry shall be in    
danger of the judgment4 ,ye have  heard 
that it was said3 ',thou shalt not      
commit adultery1' but ,i say unto  you  
that whosoever looketh on a woman to    
lust after her hath committed  adultery 
with her already in his heart4444 ,ye   
have heard that it was said3  ',thou    
shalt not forswear thyself1' but ,i say 
unto you3 ',swear not at all4'    ,what 
is the significance of such teaching8   
,surely that we are not to be  satisfied
 with keeping the letter of the law1 but
 are to keep it in our  hearts4 ,so     
clear is this that the ,church has      
completely abandoned the  letter of the 
last precept4 ,no one except a ,quaker  
refuses to take an oath4  ,every bishop 
on the bench has done so1 and every     
incumbent of a living4  ,nowhere        

throughout the ,sermon on the ,mount    
have ,christians felt themselves  bound 
to a literal or legal interpretation of 
its teaching4 ,no one wants  a man to be
 tried for murder and hanged for hating 
his brother4 ,no judge  grants a divorce
 because a man or woman has committed   
adultery in his  heart4 ,christ ,himself
 did not literally turn the other cheek 
when  struck by a soldier4 ,his         
disciples everywhere pray in places     
quite as  public as the street-corners  
forbidden in the next chapter of ,st4   
,matthew1  and give their alms publicly 
or in secret as seems to them best4     
,it may be contended that in this       
spiritual interpretation of ,christ's   
commands it is very easy to go too far  
and interpret all the meaning out  of   
them4 ,it is certain1 however1 that the 
danger must be incurred1 since  nothing 
could make sense out of an absolutely   
literal interpretation4 ,it  would mean 
a reductio ad absurdum4    ,apply such a
 literalism1 for example1 to the point  

at which for centuries  the ,church has 
sought to apply it--the indissolubility 
of marriage4 ,it is  admitted that since
 a phrase1 of however doubtful          
authority1 does make an  exception in   
favour of divorce for adultery1 the     
,church can recognize a  law in this    
sense4 ,but if we are to be literalists1
 it seems that a lustful  wish is       
adultery6 ,is this to be a cause for    
divorce8 ,and if not1 why not8          
,obviously because we can no more apply 
such spiritual teaching literally  than 
we can take a man out and hang him      
because he hates his brother6  ,there we
 cease to be literal3 how then can we   
fall back on a literal  interpretation  
at another point8    ,i claim that there
 is no ground whatever for a more rigid 
and legal  interpretation of our ,lord's
 teaching about marriage than about     
taking  oaths or praying in public4 ,i  
believe that ,christ held that marriage 
should  be permanent and indissoluble1  
that only those people should marry who 

loved each other with a love so pure1 so
 true1 so fine as to be regarded        
rightly as a gift from ,god1 who        
accepted their union as a great trust as
  well as a great joy1 whose marriage   
might indeed be said to be made in      
heaven before it was solemnized on      
earth2 but that ,he should insist on a  
legal contract from which all reality   
had departed1 or regard as a marriage  a
 union of which the most cynical could  
only say that it was made in hell1      
merely because the ,church or the ,state
 had chosen to bless or register it1    
seems to me as unlike the whole of the  
rest of the ,sermon on the ,mount and   
as far from the spirit of ,christ as    
east is from west4 ,it surely is not    
conceivable that ,he to ,whom marriage  
meant so much that ,he spoke of it as   
being made by ,god1 ,who conceived of   
the union of a man and woman as being   
the work of ,god ,himself ,those whom   
,god has joined together--would have    
cared for the shell out of which the    

kernel had gone1 for the mere legal     
bond out of which all the spirit had    
fled4 ,marriage should be indissoluble2 
but what is marriage8 ,i heard a little 
while ago of a girl of #ai who was      
married to a man of #ef4 ,he was immoral
 in mind and diseased in body1 and  at  
the end of a year she left him with     
another man4 ,he divorced her1 and  she 
is now married to that other man1 and   
there are people who say that  this     
marriage1 which1 so far as one can      
judge1 is a moral1 faithful1 and  a     
responsible union1 blest with children  
who are growing up in a good  home1 is  
no marriage because the wife went       
through a ceremony with this  other man 
before1 and marriage is indissoluble4   
,marriage is indissoluble3  ,those whom 
,god has joined together let no man put 
asunder4 ,did ,god join  those two      
together8 ,they were married in a       
church4 ,it is the ,church that  should 
repent in sackcloth and ashes for       
permitting such a mockery of  marriage4 

,let the ,church by all means do what it
 has so long failed to do1  emphasize   
the sanctity of human relationships1    
make men and women realize  how deep a  
responsibility they take in marriage1   
how sacred a thing is this  creative    
love1 from which future generations will
 spring1 which brings into  the world   
human bodies and immortal souls2 which1 
even if it is childless1  is still the  
very sacrament of human love4 ,let the  
,church teach all that  it can to make  
marriage sacred and divine1 but when it 
preaches that such a  marriage as that  
is a marriage at all it does not uphold 
our moral standard  but degrades it4    
,i have said enough before1 ,i hope1 to 
make you realize that ,i do not think   
that when passion has gone marriage is  
dead4 ,i have seen marriages which      
seemed unequal1 difficult1 unblest1 made
 into something lovely and sacred  by   
the deep patience and loyalty of human  
nature1 and believe it is the  knowledge
 of such possibilities which makes      

,christian people1 and even  those who  
would not call themselves ,christians1  
generally desire some  religious        
ceremony when they are married4 ,they   
know that for such love  human nature   
itself is hardly great enough4 ,they    
desire the grace of ,god  to inspire    
their love for each other with something
 of that eternal quality  which belongs 
to the love of ,god4 ,i have seen       
husbands love their wives1  and wives   
their husbands1 with a divine           
compassion1 an inexhaustible pity1      
which goes out to the most unworthy and 
degraded4 ,yes1 ,i would even go  so far
 as to say that unless you feel that you
 are able to face the  possibility of   
change in the one you love1 that you can
 love so well that  even if they alter  
for the worse your love would no more   
disappear than the  love of ,god for you
 would disappear when you change or     
fail1 you have not  attained to the     
perfect love which justifies marriage4  
,but this is a  hard saying1 and1       

therefore1 those of us who believe in   
,god in any sense  instinctively desire 
the blessing of ,god to rest on the     
undertaking of  so great a              
responsibility4 ,we want our love to be 
divine before we can  undertake the     
whole happiness of another human being4 
,let the ,church by all  means teach    
this1 and ,i believe that future        
generations will conceive more  nobly   
and more responsibly of marriage for her
 teaching4 ,but do not seek  to hold    
together those between whom there is no 
real marriage at all4 ,when  seriously  
and persistently a man and a woman      
believe that their marriage  never was  
or has now ceased to be real1 surely    
their persistent and  considered opinion
 ought to be enough for the ,state to   
act upon4 ,let no  one be allowed to    
give up in haste4 ,let no one fling     
responsibility aside  easily4 ,let it   
always be a question of long            
consideration1 of advice from  friends1 
perhaps even from judges4 ,but ,i cannot

 help feeling that when  through years  
this conviction that there is no reality
 in a marriage  persists1 this is the   
one really decent and sufficient reason 
for declaring  that that marriage is    
dissolved4 ,let us have done with the   
infamous system  now in force1 by which 
a man and woman must commit adultery or 
perjury  before they can get us to admit
 the patent fact that their marriage no 
longer exists as a reality4 ,let us have
 done with a system which makes a       
mockery of our divorce courts4 ,i have  
the utmost sympathy with those who      
denounce the light way in which men and 
women perjure themselves to obtain      
release1 but ,i affirm that the whole   
system is1 in the main1 so based on     
legalisms1 so divorced from morality1   
that the resultant adulteries and       
perjuries are what every student of     
human nature must inevitably expect1    
however much he may regret and hate     
them4 ,it will be in vain that laws are 
devised to prevent divorce by collusion1

 in vain that ,king's proctors  or      
judges detect and penalize here and     
there the less wary and ingenious       
offenders4 ,the law will continue to be 
evaded or defied4 ,and the reason is    
fundamental3 it is that the law is not  
based on reality4 ,it affirms that a    
marriage still exists when it does not  
exist4 ,it demands that two human       
beings should give to each other what   
they cannot give4 ,and--the essence  of 
marriage being consent--it makes the    
fact that both parties desire its       
dissolution the final reason for denying
 them6 ,to force a woman to demand  the 
restitution of conjugal rights when such
 rights have become a  horrible wrong2  
to compel a man to commit1 or perjure   
himself by pretending  he has committed1
 adultery1 before he can get the ,state 
to face the fact  that his marriage is  
no longer a reality--is this to uphold  
morality8 ,is  this the ideal of the    
,sermon on the ,mount8 ,let us once for 
all abandon  the pretence that all the  

marriages made in churches or in        
registrars'  offices are1 therefore1    
necessarily made in heaven4 ,let us get 
to work  instead to see that the        
marriages of the future shall be made in
 heaven1  and1 above all1 let us abolish
 the idea that a marriage is a real     
marriage  which is based on ignorance1  
on fraud1 on exploitation1 on           
selfishness4 ,let  us not dream that we 
can raise our standard of morals1 by    
affirming that  every mistake that men  
and women make in a matter in which     
mistaking is  so tragically easy ought  
to imprison them in a lie for the rest  
of their  lives4 ,but let us take the   
ideal of ,christ1 in all its grandeur   
and all  its reality1 with our eyes     
fixed upon the ideal1 but with that     
respect  for human personality1 that    
respect for reality and truth1 which    
makes us  refuse to accept the pretence 
that all the marriages we have known    
have  been made by ,god4 ,let us1 at    
least1 in perpetuating such blasphemies 

as  are some of the marriages on which  
we have seen the blessing of the ,church
  invoked1 cease to drag in the name of 
,christ to the defence of a system      
which has laid all its weight upon a    
legal contract1 and kept a conspiracy   
of silence about the sacred union of    
body and soul by which ,god makes man   
and woman one4        ,,vi      ,a      
,,plea ,,for ,,light           ,jesus   
said3 ,if any man walk in the day1 he   
stumbleth not1       because he seeth   
the light of this world4 ,but if a man  
walk in       the night1 he stumbleth1  
because there is no light in him4       
,my last address for the present,c on   
the difficult questions that we have    
been considering here1 ,sunday after    
,sunday1 is a plea for light4           
,footnote ,c3 ,another address was added
 a few weeks later in response to       
urgent requests4    ,walking in darkness
 has been1 in sexual matters1 the       
experience of most  of us4 ,even now1 in
 the twentieth century1 it is not too   

much to say that  most of us have had to
 fight our battle in almost complete    
darkness and  something very near to    
complete isolation4    ,there are two   
great passions connected with the bodies
 of men and women1  so fundamental that 
they have moulded the histories of      
nations and the  development of the     
human race4 ,they are the hunger for    
food and the  instinct of sex4 ,there is
 no other passion connected with our    
bodies so  fundamental1 so powerful1 as 
these two2 and yet1 with regard to the  
second1  most of us are expected to     
manage our lives and to grow up into    
maturity  without any real knowledge at 
all1 and with such advice as we get     
wrapped  up in a jargon that we do not  
understand4 ,we have been as those who  
set out  to sea without a chart2 as     
soldiers who fight a campaign without a 
map4 ,i  do not think this is too much  
to say of the way in which a large      
number of  the men and women that ,i    
know--even those of this                

generation--have been  expected to      
tackle one of the greatest problems that
 the human race has  to solve4    ,may  
,i sketch what ,i imagine is the        
experience of most people8 ,at some     
point  in our lives we begin to be      
curious2 we ask a question2 we are met  
with a  jest or a lie1 or with a rebuke1
 or with some evasion that conveys to   
us1 quite successfully1 that we ought   
not to have asked the question4 ,the    
question generally has to do with the   
matter of birth--the birth of babies1   
or kittens1 or chickens2 some point of  
curiosity connected with the birth  of  
young creatures is generally the first  
thing that awakens our interest4  ,when 
we meet with evasion1 lies1 or reproof1 
we naturally conclude that  there is    
something about the birth of life into  
the world that we ought not  to know1   
and since it is apparently wrong of us  
even to wish to know it1  it is         
presumably disgusting4 ,we seek to learn
 from other and more grimy  sources what

 our parents might have told us1 and1   
learning1 arrive at the  conclusion that
 in the relations of men and women there
 is also something  that is repulsive4  
,and since1 in spite of this1 our       
interest does not cease  but becomes    
furtive curiosity1 we also conclude that
 there is something  depraved and       
disgusting about ourselves4    ,now1 all
 of these three conclusions are lies2   
and1 therefore1 we set out in  life     
equipped with a lie in our souls4 ,it is
 not a good beginning4 ,it means  that  
almost at once those of us who persist  
in our desire to know are in  danger of 
losing our self-respect4 ,we learn that 
there is something in sex  that is      
base--so base that even our own parents 
will not speak to us about  it2 and     
because of that1 and because a child    
instinctively does accept1  during the  
first few years of its existence1 what  
its parents or guardians  say1 we assume
 that there must be something bad in us1
 since we so  persistently desire to    

know what is so evil that nobody will   
speak of it at  all4 ,or if anyone does 
allude to it1 it is with unwholesome    
furtiveness and  a rather silly kind of 
mirth1 so as to increase in the minds of
 many of us  the sense that there must  
be something in our nature that we      
cannot respect  because nobody else     
finds it beautiful or respectable4      
,our next step1 especially if we are    
conscientious people1 is to repress     
that something4 ,and here ,i want to say
 a word in answer to a number of        
letters that ,i have had on the point   
which ,i raised early in this book1     
when ,i claimed that women have to pay  
as great a tax and suffer as great  a   
hardship from repression as men do4     
,people--both men and women--have       
written to say that this is not true1   
and to such ,i wish to make my point    
quite clear4 ,i did not say that men and
 women suffered in the same way4 ,i     
said that they suffered equally2 and    
since the question has been raised1  ,i 

should like just to answer it here4 ,to 
me it seems1 judging as far as ,i  can1 
from the people that ,i know1           
that--speaking very generally--passion  
comes to a man with greater violence1   
and is more liable to leave him in      
peace at other times4 ,passion is to a  
man who is of strong temperament like  a
 storm at sea4 ,it seems the very       
embodiment of violence and force4 ,the  
mere sight of the sea angry almost      
terrifies one1 even if one is perfectly 
safe from the violence of the storm2 but
 the depths are not stirred4 ,and in    
the case of a woman ,i would take a     
different figure of speech altogether1  
and say that very often the strain on   
her is much less dramatic1 much less    
violent1 and more persistent4 ,i think  
of the strain as something like that    
silent1 uninterrupted thrust of an arch 
against the wall1 of a dome on the      
walls that support it4 ,there is no sign
 of stress4 ,but it is so difficult  to 
build a dome rightly that ,italy1 the   

land of domes1 is covered with the      
ruins of those churches whose domes     
gradually1 slowly1 thrust outwards till 
the walls on which they rested gave way 
and the church was in ruins4 ,that  kind
 of strain is easily denied by the very 
people who are enduring it4 ,it  is so  
customary1 so much a part of their life1
 that they are unconscious of  it4      
,no one who studies psychology to-day   
can fail to realize how unconscious     
people often are of the seat and the    
nature of their own troubles4 ,it is    
true that the tendency to exaggerate the
 importance of sex seems likely  to     
vitiate to some extent the conclusions  
of psychologists like ,freud and  his   
disciples4 ,but that they have revealed 
to us a mass of hitherto unknown  and   
un-understood suffering in the minds of 
both women and men1 arising  from the   
continual repression of a passion whose 
strength may be measured  by the        
disastrous consequences caused by       
repressing it1 no one who knows         

anything at all of modern psychology can
 deny4 ,those who do not understand     
their own trouble will often deny that  
the trouble exists1 and deny it  quite  
honestly4 ,but those who have become the
 physicians of the mind are  just       
beginning to learn how tremendous a     
sacrifice the world has asked of  women 
in the past while denying that it was a 
sacrifice at all6    ,now1 this         
repression follows1 in many women and in
 a considerable number  of men1 on the  
assumption that there is something in   
sex too shameful to  be spoken about or 
looked at in the light4 ,we set out1 ,i 
repeat1 on our  campaign without a map  
of the country and with our compasses   
pointing the  wrong way4 ,and this1     
above all1 is true when repression has  
caused some  actual perversion in the   
mind1 some arrested development1 some   
abnormal  condition4 ,this is not always
 the consequence of deliberate          
repression on  the part of the          
individual1 but it is1 ,i believe1 often

 the consequence  of an artificial state
 of civilization2 an attitude towards a 
great and  wonderful impulse which has  
perverted our whole view of what is     
divine and  lovely in human nature4     
,whatever the cause1 the result is      
abnormality of  some kind1 and to people
 who have suffered so1 ,i want1 above   
all1 to say  this3 light and            
understanding are needed more by you1   
perhaps1 than by  anyone else1 and to   
you1 above all1 they have been denied4  
,loneliness1  isolation1 the loss of    
self-respect1 the darkness of ignorance 
have  surrounded those to whom the      
sacrifice has been hardest1 and1        
therefore1  the repression1 whether     
racial or individual1 most disastrous4  
,you can1  if you choose1 leave the     
world a nobler place because you let    
light in on  these dark places4 ,do not 
say to yourselves that your suffering is
 useless  and purposeless because it is 
no good to anyone3 no one knows of it3  
no  one understands it3 and1 therefore1 

it has all the additional bitterness of 
being to no purpose4 ,that need not be  
true4 ,ignorance need not continue4  ,if
 you will try to make your suffering of 
service to the world1 it is not         
difficult to measure how great may be   
our advance in fundamental morality  in 
this present generation4    ,we do not  
know yet of what human nature is        
capable1 and those who are  studying the
 human mind are perhaps the greatest of 
all pioneers at the  present moment4    
,some of you have trusted me1 and by    
your trust have enabled  me to help     
other people4 ,others of you1 perhaps1  
have yourselves become or  will become  
students of psychology4 ,you will       
advance a little further in a  science  
which is as yet only making its first   
uncertain steps4 ,even if you  do none  
of these things1 yet if you will try to 
understand yourselves1 by  the mere fact
 that you understand1 you will find that
 you are able to help  other            
people--other people whose condition is 

most tragic1 most lonely--to  face with 
courage the problem they share with     
you4,d ,try to solve it1 as  you can4   
,you will gain in understanding and     
strength1 so that those in yet  greater 
need will instinctively come to you for 
help4 ,base your own moral  standard on 
all that is noble1 and wise and human1  
and you will find that  in you the      
spiritual begins so to dominate the     
physical that others will  see its power
 and come to you for help4    ,footnote 
,d3 ,this subject is more fully dealt   
with in the next chapter4      ,with    
aching hands and bleeding feet1    ,we  
toil and toil2 lay stone on stone4      
,not till the light of day return       
,all we have built shall we discern4    
,now let us turn to the other side of   
the problem--the more normal relations  
of men and women who are lovers1 who are
 husbands and wives4 ,may ,i again      
recapitulate what appears to be the     
history of many married people1 even in 
#aiba4    ,let me remind you first that 

this contract of marriage is the most   
important1 probably1 in the whole life  
of the man and woman who undertake  it2 
that it concerns human personality as   
perhaps no other relation in the  world 
does1 so deeply1 so closely1 so         
intimately1 that those who enter into   
it are very near either to heaven or    
hell4 ,the nearer you come to any  other
 human personality1 the nearer you get  
to the supreme happiness or the  supreme
 failure4 ,and when people enter on this
 relationship1 how are they  prepared8  
,many of them are ignorant--and in the  
case of women often wholly  so--of what 
marriage actually involves4 ,i find it  
difficult to speak in  measured terms of
 those parents who deliberately allow   
their daughters to  take a step which   
involves the whole of their future life 
and happiness1  and that of another     
human being also1 in ignorance of what  
they are doing4  ,this relationship1    
which requires all the love and all the 
wisdom of men  and women--so much so    

that even those who do not call         
themselves ,christians  often desire to 
go to a church and ask for the grace of 
,god to enable  them to carry out so    
great an undertaking--is entered upon by
 people who  literally do not know what1
 from the very nature of marriage1 is   
required  of them4 ,i suppose many      
people will say that ,i speak of a state
 of things  which passed a generation   
ago4 ,no1 ,i do not4 ,i speak of a state
 of things  that is only too common at  
this present time4 ,i have known        
marriage after  marriage wrecked by the 
almost unbelievable ignorance that has  
been present  on both sides4 ,i say both
 sides4 ,first of all1 there is the     
girl4 ,to her1  marriage comes sometimes
 as so great a shock that her whole     
temperament is  warped and embittered by
 it4 ,then there is the man1 equally    
ignorant--very  often1 probably less    
ignorant of himself1 but equally        
ignorant of her--not  realizing how she 
should be treated4 ,they are often quite

 ignorant of each  other's views on     
marriage2 of what sort of claims they   
are going to make  on each other2 what  
each thinks about the duty of having    
children4 ,these  elementary facts of   
human life1 which must confront those   
who marry1 are  faced by them without   
any kind of preparation1 without the    
most rudimentary  knowledge of each     
other's point of view4 ,and that there  
are so many happy  marriages in spite of
 all this makes one realize how         
extraordinarily loyal1  fine and        
courageous1 on the whole1 human nature  
is4    ,only the other day ,i was       
speaking in a town in the north of      
,england on this  very subject1 and ,i  
got a letter afterwards to say that the 
writer had very  greatly enjoyed my     
address at the time4 ,she had found it1 
she assured me1  inspiring and          
elevating4 ,but she felt bound to write 
and tell me afterwards  7what she was   
sure would both shock and distress me7  
that she had found  that some of the    

people in my audience were actually     
acting on what ,i  said6 ,i suppose     
every public speaker comes up against   
that sort of thing  sometimes--the calm 
assurance that you are merely talking in
 the air and  have not the slightest    
desire that anyone should act on what   
you say4  ,so this lady wrote to say    
that1 though she and her husband had    
both been  greatly impressed by what ,i 
said1 they were horrified to find that1 
as  a result1 people were actually      
discussing with one another1 before they
  married1 certain points which she     
mentioned to me and which she said they 
ought never to discuss until they were  
married4 ,is it not amazing  that anyone
 should seriously contend that it is    
better to arrive at an  understanding   
with the person he or she is about to   
marry after marriage  than before8 ,that
 people who would not dream of betraying
 anyone into any  kind of contract about
 which they were not satisfied that its 
terms were  understood should be willing

 to betray others--,i deliberately call 
it  a betrayal--into a contract of such 
infinite importance1 and positively     
desire that they shall be ignorant of   
its nature8    ,it really seems         
sometimes as if pains were positively   
taken to mislead  those who are going to
 be married4 ,one of the most amazing   
statements on  this subject1 for        
instance1 is contained in the marriage  
service of the  ,church of ,england1    
where the bride and bridegroom are told 
that marriage  was ordained that such   
persons as have not the gift of         
continency might  marry and keep        
themselves undefiled members of         
,christ's body4 ,that there  should be  
anyone in the twentieth century who does
 not know that a man or  a woman who has
 not the gift of continency is totally  
unfit for marriage is  really rather    
startling4 ,what such a person requires 
is both a divine and a  physician2 but  
that he should be told that he is fit   
for marriage and  that marriage was     

expressly designed for him is not only  
misleading1 it is  absolutely           
horrifying4 ,it explains the tragic     
wreck which so many marriages  become   
after a comparatively short time4    ,i 
would urge1 then1 for the future1 that  
we should not concentrate all  our      
moral1 ethical1 religious1 and social   
force on perpetuating the tragic        
failure of an empty marriage1 but1      
rather1 should concentrate our efforts  
on trying to make people understand what
 marriage is2 what their own  natures   
are2 what marriage is going to demand   
from them2 what they need in  order to  
make it noble4 ,i urge1 moreover1 that  
the same principle should  apply to     
those who do not marry--that they also  
should learn in the  light what their   
difficulties are going to be2 how to    
face their  own temperaments2 how to    
deal with their own minds and bodies4   
,your  temperament1 men and women1 does 
not decide your destiny2 it does decide 
your trials4 ,to know how to deal with  

it and how to make it your servant1  how
 so to enthrone spiritual power in your 
nature that it shall dominate  all that 
is physical1 not as something base1 but 
as a sacred and a  consecrated thing--it
 is on this that the teachers of to-day 
should  concentrate with all their      
power4 ,it is true that when we have    
learnt  all that is possible from       
teaching1 there is still something to   
learn4 ,in  marriage is it possible to  
know finally until the final step is    
taken8  ,no1 ,i do not think so4 ,but   
when you consider how we have struggled 
against  ignorance1 how many pitfalls   
have been put in the path of those who  
desired knowledge1 how we have1 as it   
seems1 done our best to make this       
relationship a failure1 surely it is    
worth while1 at least1 to try what      
knowledge1 and understanding1 and       
education1 and training can do4 ,we     
cannot know all4 ,that is no reason why 
we should not know all that we can4     
,surely marriage must be a divine       

institution1 since we have done so much 
to make it a failure1 and yet one sees  
again and again such splendid love1     
such magnificent loyalty and faith6 ,you
 advocate1 someone wrote to me the      
other day1 you advocate that people     
should leave each other when they are   
tired of each other4 ,no1 ,i do not     
advocate that anyone should accept  a   
failure4 ,i advocate that every human   
being should do all that is             
possible--more perhaps than is possible 
without the grace of ,god--to  make     
marriage the noble and lovely thing it  
should be4 ,i think those are           
faint-hearted who easily accept the fact
 that it is difficult1 and from  that   
drift swiftly to the conclusion that for
 them it is impossible4 ,i  advocate    
that the greatest faith and loyalty     
should be practised4 ,i believe  in my  
heart that there is perhaps no          
relationship which cannot be redeemed   
by the love and devotion and the grace  
of ,god in the hearts of those who  seek

 to make it redeemable4 ,what ,i do say 
is that in ,church and ,state we  should
 concentrate all our efforts on helping 
men and women to a wise1  enlightened1  
noble conception of marriage before they
 enter upon it1 and  not on a futile and
 immoral attempt to hold them together  
by a mere legal  contract when all that 
made it valid has fled4    ,i believe   
that the more one knows of human nature 
the more one reverences  it4 ,i believe 
that the vast majority of human beings  
strain every nerve  rather than fail in 
so great a responsibility4 ,do you      
remember reading in  ,mr4 ,bertrand     
,russell's book1 ,principles of ,social 
,reconstruction1 of  a little church of 
which it was discovered1 not1 ,i think1 
very long  ago1 that1 owing to some     
defect in its title1 marriages which had
 been  celebrated there were not legal8 
,mr4 ,bertrand ,russell says that there 
were  at that time ,i forget how many   
couples still living who had been       
married  in that church1 who found that1

 by this legal defect1 they were not    
legally  bound4 ,do you know how many of
 those married people seized the        
opportunity  to desert each other and go
 and marry somebody else8 ,not a single 
one6  ,every one of those couples went  
quietly away to church and got married  
again6    ,religious people do sometimes
 think such mean things of human nature1
 and  human nature is1 for the most     
part1 so much nobler1 so much more      
loyal1 so  much more loving than we     
imagine4 ,lift up your eyes unto the    
hills from  whence cometh your help4 ,he
 that walketh in the light1 stumbleth   
not1 for  he seeth the light of the     
world4    ,let us face the future       
courageously1 with great reverence for  
other  people's opinions and views4 ,let
 us not join that mob of shouters who   
are  prepared to howl at everyone who   
desires to say something that is not    
quite  orthodox1 but which is their     
serious and considered contribution to a
 great  and difficult problem4 ,let us  

greet them with respect1 however much we
 may  differ from them4 ,let us look    
forward without fear4 ,believe me1 below
 all  the froth and scum of which we    
make so much1 human nature is very      
noble4    ,let us give that example to  
the world which is worth a thousand     
arguments--the example of a noble       
married life1 the example of a noble    
single life4 ,those of you who are alone
 can do infinitely more for virtue  by  
being full of gentleness1 wisdom1       
sanity1 and love than by any harsh      
repression of yourselves4 ,it is by what
 you can make of celibacy that the      
world will judge celibacy4 ,and so of   
married lovers4 ,believe me1 it is not  
the children of married lovers who are  
rebels against a lofty standard4  ,those
 who have seen with their eyes a lovely1
 faithful and unwavering love  are not  
easily satisfied with anything that is  
less4 ,lift up your eyes  unto the      
hills4 ,from whence cometh your         
strength4 ,and in the light of a  great 

ideal1 in the light of knowledge1       
sincerity and truth1 in the light  of   
what ,i know of human nature1 ,i1 for   
one1 am not afraid for the future  moral
 standard of this country4        ,,vii 
,,friendship           ,saul and        
,jonathan were lovely and pleasant in   
their lives1 and       in their death   
they were not divided3 they were swifter
 than       eagles1 they were stronger  
than lions4 ,ye daughters of ,israel1   
weep over ,saul1 who clothed you in     
scarlet1 with other       delights1 who 
put on ornaments of gold upon your      
apparel4 ,how       are the mighty      
fallen in the midst of the battle6 ,oh  
,jonathan1       thou wast slain in     
thine high places4 ,i am distressed for 
thee1       my brother ,jonathan3 very  
pleasant hast thou been unto me3 thy    
love to me was wonderful1 passing the   
love of women4 ,how are       the mighty
 fallen1 and the weapons of war         
perished6 7,,ii4 ,sam4       i4 #bc-bg47
         ,and ,orpah kissed her         

mother-in-law2 but ,ruth clave unto her4
       ,and she said1 ,behold thy       
sister-in-law has gone back unto her    
people1 and unto her gods3 return thou  
after thy sister-in-law4       ,and     
,ruth said1 ,intreat me not to leave    
thee1 or to return from       following 
after thee3 for whither thou goest1 ,i  
will go2 and       where thou lodgest1  
,i will lodge3 thy people shall be my   
people1 and thy ,god my ,god3 ,where    
thou diest1 will ,i die1 and       there
 will ,i be buried3 the ,lord do so to  
me1 and more also1 if       ought but   
death part me and thee4 7,ruth i4       
#ad-ag47      ,people have sometimes    
discussed with me whether it is right to
 have as  intense and absorbing a love  
for a friend of one's own sex as exists 
between lovers4 ,the word absorbing is  
perhaps the difficulty in their  minds4 
,all love is essentially the same1 and  
it has been pointed out that  the great 
classic instances of great love have    
been almost as often between  friends as

 between lovers4 ,but the test of love's
 nobility remains  the same4 ,if it is  
in the strict sense absorbing--if1 that 
is1 it is  exclusive1 if it narrows     
one's interests instead of enlarging    
them1 if it  involves a failure in love 
or sympathy with other people1 it is    
wrong--it  is not in the true sense     
love2 but if it enriches the            
understanding1  widens interest1 deepens
 sympathy--if1 in a word1 to love one   
teaches us to  love others better1 then 
it is good1 it is love indeed4 ,a       
friendship which  is of such character  
that no one outside it is of any        
interest1 a maternal  love which not    
only concentrates on its own but wholly 
excludes all other  children1 even a    
marriage which ultimately narrows rather
 than widens and  is exclusive in its   
interests1 is a poor caricature of love4
 ,a young mother  may1 in the first     
rapture of her motherhood1 seem wholly  
absorbed2 but1  as a matter of fact1 she
 generally ends by caring more for all  

children  because she loves one so      
deeply4 ,even lovers1 after the first   
absorption of  newly-discovered joy1    
must learn to share their happiness and 
the happiness  of their home with others
 if it is not to grow hard and dull4    
,and friends  may easily estimate the   
worth of their friendship by the measure
 with which  it has humanized their     
relations to all other human beings4    
,there is another test also for love3   
,does it express itself naturally and   
rightly8 ,this test is much more        
difficult to apply4 ,one may believe    
that all love is essentially the same1  
but it is certain that all human        
relationships are not the same1 and1    
therefore1 love cannot always be        
expressed in the same way2 but it is not
 possible to lay down any exact  rule   
between the sort of expression          
legitimate to each4 ,everyone  must have
 suffered sometimes from a sense of     
having forced undesired  demonstrations 
on other people1 or having them forced  

on oneself4 ,one's  suffering in the    
first instance is intensified by the    
knowledge of the  extremity of revolt   
created by the second4 ,there is        
nothing1 ,i suppose1  more acutely      
painful than the sense of being         
compelled to accept  demonstrations of  
affection to which one cannot in the    
same way respond4  ,i believe that this 
shrinking from expressions which seem   
unnatural1  is rightly intensified a    
hundredfold when the sense of wrongness 
or  unnaturalness is due not to the     
individual but to the relationship      
itself4    ,the love which unites the   
soul to ,god1 children to their parents1
 mothers  and fathers to sons and       
daughters1 lovers to one another1 friend
 to friend1  the disciple to his master1
 is all one4 ,you cannot divide ,love4  
,but to each  belongs its right and     
natural expression1 and to parody the   
love of lovers  between friends revolts 
the growing sense of humankind4 ,the    
very horrors  of prostitution create a  

less shuddering disgust than the        
debauching of  a young boy by an older  
man1 though with a tragically common    
injustice  society is more apt to be    
disgusted by the unfortunate victim1    
bearing  all the marks of his moral and 
physical perversion1 than by the more   
responsible older man who profits by or 
even creates it4    ,yet it is1 as ,i   
have said1 only by the growing sense of 
humanity that  such things are          
condemned4 ,they were not always so in  
every case4 ,on the  contrary it has    
sometimes been maintained that          
friendship between men was  so much     
nobler than the love of men and women   
that even when it demanded  physical    
expression it was still the finest of   
all human relationship4 ,this  idea was1
 of course1 widely held by the ,greeks  
during the noblest epochs  of their     
history1 and ,plato1 though he does not1
 as is commonly believed1  justify such 
expression as good in itself1 evidently 
regards it as  practically inevitable   

and1 therefore1 to be condoned4 ,and    
though from this  indulgent attitude    
there has been a very general revolt in 
modern times1  the reaction has not     
always been very discriminating in its  
condemnation  or very just in its       
reprisals4 ,now--in consequence1 no     
doubt1 of this  injustice--there has    
arisen another attempt to assert the    
superior nobility  of friendship over   
love1,e and even to claim a superior    
humanity for  people who are more       
attracted by members of their own sex4  
,footnote ,e3 ,i am using the terms     
friendship and love in their  ordinarily
 accepted and narrow sense1 as meaning  
respectively the love of  friends and   
the love of lovers4 ,this is arbitrary1 
but ,i cannot find other  words except  
by using long phrases4    ,there is not 
in this any question of the bestial     
depravity which  deliberately debauches 
the young and innocent3 it is a question
 of the  kind of friendship glorified by
 ,plato4 ,and those who uphold the      

,platonic  view are not always          
debauchees but sometimes men and women  
who1 however  incomprehensibly1 still   
sincerely believe that they and not we  
who oppose  them are the true idealists4
 ,this is why it is worth while to state
 our  reasons for our profound          
disagreement1 and to do so as           
intelligently and  fairly as possible4  
,it is also worth while because no one  
has suffered more  cruelly or more      
hopelessly than those whose temperament 
or abnormality has  been treated by most
 of us as though it were in itself1 and 
without  actual wrong-doing1 a crime    
worthy of denunciation and scorn4       
,first1 then1 let it be remembered that 
the highest types humanity has  evolved 
have been men and women who are really  
human1 that is to say  who have not only
 those qualities which are generally    
regarded as  characteristic of their    
sex1 but have had some share of the     
other sex's  qualities also4 ,a man who 
is 7if such a thing could be7 wholly and

  exclusively male in all his qualities 
would be repulsive2 so would a woman    
wholly and exclusively female4 ,one has 
only to look at history to realize  it4 
,compared with the exquisite tenderness 
and joy of a ,st4 ,francis  of ,assisi1 
the courage and determination of a ,st4 
,joan of ,arc1 the  intellectual power  
of a ,st4 ,catherine of ,siena or ,st4  
,theresa of ,spain1  the brute male who 
is wholly male1 the eternal feminine    
with her  suffocating sexuality seem on 
the one hand inhuman1 on the other      
subhuman4  ,it is not the absence of the
 masculine qualities in a man1 or of the
  feminine qualities in a woman which   
raises them above the mass2 it is the   
presence in power of both2 and no man is
 truly human who has not something  of  
the woman in him--no woman who has not  
something of the man4 ,here is a        
certain truth4 ,and its supreme example 
is ,christ ,himself--,christ in ,whom   
power and tenderness1 strength and      
insight1 courage and compassion were    

equally present--,christ ,who is in     
truth the ideal of all humanity without 
distinction of race1 class or sex4      
,this is true4 ,but its truth has been  
misunderstood by teachers like ,edward  
,carpenter4 ,beauty and strength in     
human nature as elsewhere depend on     
harmony1 and in such characters as ,i   
have cited that harmony is found4 ,for1 
in fact1 there is no instance in nature 
of a male wholly male or a female       
entirely female4 ,even physically the   
elements are shared4 ,and if we say     
with confidence that where these        
elements are most fully shared there is 
found the fullest humanity1 we are not  
committed to adding that where  the body
 has one predominating character and the
 spirit another there is  something     
finer still6    ,for harmony of life and
 temperament the body should be the     
perfect  instrument and expression of   
the spirit4 ,when you have the          
temperament  of one sex in the body of  
another1 this cannot be4 ,there is at   

once a  disharmony1 a dislocation1 a    
disorder--in fact1 a less perfect not a 
more  perfect type4 ,humanity does1 ,i  
believe1 progress towards a fuller      
element  of the woman in the man1 the   
man in the woman1 and the best we have  
produced so far confirm the truth of    
this4 ,but it is not an advance to      
produce a type in which the temperament 
and the body are at odds4 ,this is  not 
progress but perversion4    ,it is the  
same consciousness of dislocation which 
makes us condemn  homosexual practices4 
,here it is a dislocation between the   
means and  the end4 ,the instinct of    
sex1 to whatever use it may have been   
put1 is  fundamentally the creative     
instinct4 ,it is not by an accident1 it 
is not as  a side-issue1 that it is     
through sexual attraction that children 
are born4  ,and however sublimated1     
however enriched1 restrained and        
conditioned1 the  creative power of     
physical passion remains at once its    
justification and  its consecration4 ,to

 use it in a relationship which must for
 ever be barren  is unnatural and in the
 deepest sense immoral4 ,it is not easy 
to define  immorality1 because morality 
is one of the fundamentals which defy   
definition2 but though it is not easy to
 define1 it is not hard to  recognize4  
,all the world knows that it is immoral 
to prostitute the  creative power of    
genius to mere commercialism1 for money 
or for fame4 ,no  one can draw a hard   
and fast line4 ,no one will quarrel with
 a great artist  because he lives by his
 art1 or because he will sometimes turn 
aside to  amuse himself1 his public1 or 
his friends4 ,michaelangelo is not      
blamed  because1 one winter's afternoon1
 he made a snow-statue for ,lorenzo de  
,medici6 ,yet all will admit that merely
 to amuse1 merely to make money1  merely
 to gain popularity is a prostitution of
 genius4 ,why8 ,because it  is to put to
 another than its real purpose the      
creative power of a great  artist4      
,in the same way1 to use the power of   

another great creative impulse--that  of
 sex--in a way which divorces it wholly 
from its end--creation on  the physical 
as well as the spiritual plane--is      
immoral because it is  unnatural4 ,again
 and again it will be found to lead to a
 violent reaction  of feeling--a        
repulsion which is as intense and       
violent as the devotion  which was its  
prelude4    ,what then should those do  
who have this temperament8 ,no one1     
perhaps1 can  wisely counsel them but   
themselves4 ,they alone can find out the
 way by  which the disharmony of their  
being can be transcended4 ,that it can  
be so  ,i am persuaded4 ,that modern    
psychology has already made strides in  
the  knowledge of this problem we all   
know4 ,what is due to arrested          
development  or to repression can be set
 right or liberated3 what is            
temperamental  transmuted4 ,but ,i      
appeal to those who know this1 but who  
have suffered and  do still suffer under
 this difficulty1 to make it their      

business to let in  the light1 to help  
others1 to know themselves1 to learn how
 to win harmony  out of disharmony and  
to transcend their own limitations4 ,let
 them take  hold of life there where it 
has hurt them most cruelly1 and wrest   
from  their own suffering the means by  
which others shall be saved from        
suffering  and humanity brought a little
 further into the light4 ,who knows yet 
of what  it is capable8 ,who knows what 
is our ultimate goal8 ,it may be that   
out of  a nature so complex and so      
difficult may come the noblest yet1 when
 the  spirit has subdued the warring    
temperament wholly to itself4    ,and to
 the others ,i would say this4 ,if the  
homosexual is still the most            
misunderstood1 maltreated1 and suffering
 of our race1 it is due to our          
ignorance and brutal contempt4 ,how many
 have even tried to understand8 ,how    
many have refrained from scorn8 ,other  
troubles have been mitigated1 other     
griefs respected if not understood4 ,but

 this we refuse even to discuss4  ,we   
are content to condemn in ignorance1    
boasting that we are too good  to       
understand4 ,in consequence1 though a   
few here and there have preached        
homosexuality as a kind of gospel1 far  
more have suffered an agony of  shame1 a
 self-loathing which makes life a hell4 
,to be led to believe that one is       
naturally depraved6--to be condemned as 
the worst of sinners before one has     
committed even a single sin6 ,is that   
not the height and depth of cruelty8 ,do
 you wonder if here and there one  of   
the stronger spirits among these        
condemned ones reacts in a fierce1      
unconscious egotism and proclaims       
himself the true type of humanity1 the  
truly civilized man8 ,how shall they see
 clearly whom we have clothed in        
darkness1 or judge truly who are so     
terribly alone8    ,to have a           
temperament is not in itself a sin6 ,to 
find in your nature a  disharmony which 
you must transcend1 a dislocation you   

have to restore  to order1 is not a sin6
 ,whose nature is all harmony8 ,whose   
temperament  guarantees him from        
temptation8 ,is there one here who is   
not conscious of  some dislocation in   
his life that he must combat8 ,not one6 
,it is a disharmony to have an active   
spirit in a sickly body4 ,it is a       
disharmony to have1 like one of the very
 greatest of ,christ's disciples1 a     
thorn in the flesh to buffet him4 ,who  
shall deliver us from this body of      
death8 ,when you hear of a ,beethoven   
deaf or of a ,robert ,louis ,stevenson  
spitting blood1 are you not conscious of
 disharmony8 ,where there is perfect    
harmony--perfect1 ,i say--such a        
dislocation could not be4 ,epilepsy has 
been called la maladie des grands1      
because some great ones have suffered   
from it4 ,perhaps ,st4 ,paul did4 ,it is
 not possible to imagine ,christ doing  
so4 ,in ,him there existed so perfect a 
harmony of being that one can no more   
associate ,him with ill-health than with

 any other disorder or defect4  ,yet we 
do not speak 7or think7 with horrified  
contempt of the disharmony  present in  
,st4 ,paul or in ,beethoven4 ,rather we 
reverence the glorious  conquest of the 
spirit over the weakness and limitations
 of the flesh4 ,some  of us have even   
rushed to the opposite extreme and      
preached ill-health as a  kind of       
sanctity1 in our just admiration for    
those who have battled against  it and  
shown us the spirit dominant over the   
flesh4    ,but1 it will be urged1       
ill-health is quite another kind of     
disharmony than  vice4 ,we are not      
responsible for it1 and cannot be       
blamed4    ,i am not prepared to admit  
that this is altogether true1 but ,i    
will not  discuss it now4 ,the point ,i 
want to make clear1 if ,i make nothing  
else  clear1 is that to be born with a  
certain temperament is not in itself a  
sin nor does it compel you to be a      
sinner4 ,your temperament decides your  
trials2 it does not decide your destiny4

 ,it is no more wicked to have  the     
temperament of a homosexual than to have
 the weakness of an invalid4 ,it  is    
difficult for the spirit to dominate and
 to bring into a healthy harmony  a body
 predisposed to illness and disorder4   
,the greater the glory to those  who    
succeed6 ,let us confess with shame that
 in this other and far harder  case we  
have not only ignored the difficulty and
 despised the struggler1  but--,god     
forgive us--have1 so far as in us lay1  
made impossible the  victory4           
,,viii      ,,misunderstandings         
,if there is one result or conclusion   
that we may pick out from       the     
science of sex which has developed so   
rapidly of recent       years1 as       
thoroughly established and permanently  
accepted1 it       is that the old      
notion of the sinfulness of the sex     
process1       in se1 is superstitious1 
not religious2 and must be discarded    
before ethical religion can assert its  
full sway over       humanity's sex     

life4 ,and1 most assuredly1 the         
conception       narratives of the ,new 
,testament1 by retaining the sex process
       to the important extent of normal
 pregnancy and parturition1             
foreshadowed and hallowed this          
development of ethical thought4         
,they make it clear that the ,spirit of 
,god and the spirit of       woman1 in  
conscious union1 refuse to justify      
superstitious and       paralyzing      
fears1 refuse to allow that the sex     
process is       irredeemable2 they     
render possible and imperative the      
working       out of the ethical        
problems directly concerned with sex4   
,northcute3 ,christianity and ,sex      
,problems1 pp4 #dae1 #daf4      ,during 
the course of these addresses ,i have   
more than once1 and with more  than     
common urgency1 pleaded for the light of
 knowledge1 that we may  in future not  
make so many disastrous mistakes from   
sheer ignorance  and misunderstanding4  
,i have been asked to say more          

definitely what  misunderstandings ,i   
had in mind1 and to discuss them with at
 least as  much courage as ,i have so   
pressingly demanded from others4    ,the
 demand is just2 and ,i feel the less   
able to disregard it because ,i have    
discussed these very difficulties with  
people whose lives have been wrecked  by
 the ignorance in which they were       
brought up1 or saved by knowledge       
wisely imparted before the difficulties 
arose4 ,knowledge cannot save us  from  
hardship or difficulty2 it cannot make  
us invulnerable to attack1 or  lift us  
above the ordinary temptations of       
ordinary mortals2 but it can show  us   
where we are going2 it can guide us when
 we wish to be guided2 it can  save us1 
when we wish to be saved1 from mistakes 
cruel to ourselves and  often far more  
cruel to other people4    ,for instance3
 it is very generally believed that the 
struggle for  continence is greatly     
eased by continual and even exhausting  
physical  activity4 ,to work hard--to   

work even to exhaustion--is believed by 
some  to be a panacea4 ,at our great    
public schools the craze for athleticism
  is justified on the ground that1 even 
at the expense of the things of the     
mind1 it does at least keep the boys    
from moral evil4    ,i believe this to  
be a mistake1 and a mistake which is due
 to our looking  at sex from a too      
purely physical point of view4 ,it is1  
of course1 imbecile  to forget the      
physical1 and deal with sex simply as a 
sin2 but it is no  less stupid to forget
 that our bodies and souls are          
intimately bound  together1 and that    
there is much more in passion than a    
merely physical  instinct4 ,as a matter 
of fact1 a tired person is not immune   
from  sex-hunger1 and even an exhausted 
person is likely to find that1 far from 
sexual feeling being exhausted too1 it  
turns out to be the only sensation  that
 will respond to stimulus at all4 ,the  
exploitation of sexuality by our        
theatres and ,press is not successful   

only in the case of the idle and the    
overfed2 it finds its patrons also among
 those who are too tired to put  their  
minds into anything really interesting  
from an intellectual or  artistic point 
of view1 but whose attention can be     
distracted and whose  interest held by a
 more or less open appeal to the        
primitive instincts of  sex4 ,tired     
people want to be amused and interested 
if possible2 but they  are not easily   
amused by anything that appeals to the  
mind1 because they  are tired4 ,they    
want a sensation other than the         
customary one of fatigue1  and the      
easiest sensation to excite is a sexual 
one4 ,they get it thinly  disguised1 in 
a theatre or music-hall1 more thickly   
disguised in the  form of cheap fiction1
 or quite undisguised elsewhere4 ,but   
the idea that  sexuality is destroyed by
 fatigue is a very mischievous illusion 
which  has misled and helped to destroy 
some of the most honest strivers after  
self-control4 ,such people will1 with a 

touching belief in saws1 seek to  find  
in exhaustion relief from temptation4   
,but it is not amusing always  to feel  
tired4 ,one desires at last something   
else--some other kind of  feeling--and  
one is too tired to make an effort4 ,but
 sexual sensation is  easily excited1   
and in the end the unfortunate finds    
that he has yielded  again4 ,his hard   
fight has only ended in defeat1 and he  
either abandons the  advice as mistaken1
 or himself as hopelessly and uniquely  
depraved4    ,the truth is1 of course1  
that what is needed is not physical     
exhaustion  any more than physical      
idleness and overfeeding4 ,what is      
wanted is hard  and interesting         
work--work that absorbs one's mental as 
well as physical  strength4 ,a boy at a 
public school who really cares for games
 can pour  his energies into them and   
appear a fine example of the system2 a  
boy who1  though games are compulsory1  
cannot interest himself in them at all1 
is not  helped by being physically      

exhausted4 ,if1 then1 he yields to a    
temptation  the other has escaped1 this 
need not be because he is more wicked or
 more  weak4 ,it may quite well be      
because the insistence on athleticism1  
which has  been elevated into a cult1 in
 our public schools1 has supplied a real
 and  absorbing interest for the one1   
but has merely used the physical        
capacity  of the other without touching 
his mind or his spirit at all4 ,when    
shall  we learn that every human being  
is a unity1 and that to ignore any part 
of  it--body1 mind or spirit--is        
idiotic8 ,the muscular ,christian who   
believes  that continence is achieved by
 physical fatigue is as short-sighted as
 he  who would treat the whole matter as
 a purely ethical problem4 ,but the man 
or woman who works hard at some         
congenial and absorbing task--especially
 if  it be creative work--finds the     
virtue of continence well within his    
grasp  without exhaustion and without   
asceticism4 ,it is because sex is       

essentially  a creative--the            
creative--power in humanity that we have
 to direct its  force into some more    
spiritual channel than mere physical    
labour1 if we are  to make ourselves its
 master4    ,again1 an increasing number
 of us believe that to master our       
physical  impulses is possible2 and that
 it has seemed impossible--at least1    
for men--in the past largely because so 
little knowledge and so little          
common-sense has been used in achieving 
mastery4 ,naturally1 it was simpler  to 
assume that it was impossible to control
 oneself than to find out how  to make  
it possible1 but as we grow more        
civilized we cease to be perfectly      
content with this simple plan1 and begin
 to perceive its extraordinary          
injustices and brutalities4 ,it has been
 said that the civilization of any      
people or period may be judged by the   
position of its women1 and though  this 
is too simple to be quite true1 it is   
far more true than false4 ,if1  however1

 civilization does raise the position of
 women1 and assign to them  a greater   
freedom of action and a wider scope for 
their lives than  was theirs before1 it 
must be clearly understood that women in
 these  circumstances and of this type  
will take a quite different line on the 
question of sex morals than their       
great-grandmothers did4 ,it is1 for     
example1 still urged that women must not
 do this1 that or the other  work1      
because it involves working with men    
whose sex instincts may be              
uncontrollably aroused by such          
collaboration4 ,sir ,almroth ,wright has
  pleaded this1 and it is being urged   
to-day against the entrance of women    
into what is now almost the only sphere 
still closed to them--the spiritual     
work of the ,churches4 ,it is urged that
 some men are afraid of being  sexually 
excited if they are addressed by a      
woman-preacher1 and that others  cannot 
be within the sanctuary1 with a woman   
near them1 without similar  danger4 ,the

 misunderstanding that arises here is1  
surely1 that the cause of  this abnormal
 excitement is in the woman1 whereas 7in
 the cases cited7  it is in the man4    
,there are1 of course1 women who find an
 exactly similar  difficulty in working 
with men3 women who are transformed by  
the mere  presence of men1 as there are 
men who cannot enter a room full of     
women  without physical disturbance4    
,such men1 such women1 are not          
necessarily  depraved or immoral        
persons1 their temperament may be a     
source of genuine  distress to them4 ,it
 may be most admirably controlled1 and  
in thousands of  cases it is so1        
especially when the sufferer understands
 himself or--more  rarely--understands  
herself4 ,all the help that psychology  
and medical  science can give 7and it is
 much7 should be given to and accepted  
by such  people4 ,the one thing that    
should not be yielded is the ridiculous 
claim  that men and women who are not so
 susceptible 7and who are in the vast   

majority7 should rule their lives       
according to the standards of those who 
are sexually over-developed or          
one-sidedly developed4 ,it cannot be too
  strongly insisted that this problem is
 the problem of the individual4 ,he  7or
 she7 has got to settle it4 ,he must    
learn to manage himself in such a  way  
that he ceases to be abnormally         
excitable1 or he must arrange his life  
so that he avoids1 as far as possible1  
the causes of excitement4 ,he must  not 
expect others to cramp their lives to   
fit him2 he must not expect             
civilization to be perverted or arrested
 in order to avoid a difficulty  which  
is his own4    ,the only alternative to 
this is to revert to a form of          
civilization in  which it was frankly   
admitted that sex-impulses could not be 
controlled1  either by men or by women1 
and society was therefore organized on a
 basis  which1 quite logically1 provided
 for the restraint of women in a bondage
  which prevented them from satisfying  

their impulses as they chose1 and at    
the same time protected them from attack
 by other men than their lawful  owners2
 and which1 further1 provided           
conveniences for the equally            
uncontrollable instincts of men4        
,this system is quite logical2 so is the
 one here advocated1 of assuming  that  
the sexual instincts of both sexes can  
be controlled4 ,what is not  logical is 
the assumption that they can be         
controlled1 but that such  control is to
 be exercised not by each one mastering 
himself1 but by  the removal of all     
possibility of temptation6 ,this demand 
is really  incompatible with our        
civilization1 and those who make it     
should try to  understand that what they
 ask is1 in fact1 the reversal of all   
advance in  real self-control in matters
 of sex4    ,let us abandon the pretence
 that it is wicked for either a man or a
 woman  to have strongly-developed      
sex-instincts4 ,when we do this1 we     
shall be  on the high way to learning   

how to manage ourselves without making  
preposterous demands upon our neighbours
 or inroads upon their individual       
freedom4    ,we shall also1 ,i believe1 
get rid of those perversions which      
darken  understanding as well as joy4   
,one need not go all the way with       
,freud--one  may1 indeed1 suspect him of
 suffering from a severe repression     
himself--while admitting1 nevertheless1 
that much of the folly that  surrounds  
our treatment of sex-questions is due to
 the pathetic  determination of highly  
respectable people to have no sex nature
 or  impulses at all4 ,certainly this   
accounts for much that is called prudery
  in women1 whose repressed and starved 
instincts revenge themselves in a       
morbid 7mental7 preoccupation with the  
details of vice4 ,i am forced to the    
conclusion that it has also something to
 do with the quite extraordinary        
description that certain ecclesiastics  
give of their own inability to  control 
their imaginations even at the most     

solemn moments4 ,a narrow and  dishonest
 moral standard has been foisted upon   
women in these matters1 and  instead of 
knowing themselves and learning to      
control their natures1 they  have been  
given a false idea of their own natures1
 and taught instead  merely to repress  
them4 ,so1 very often1 a curiously      
artificial code  of manners has been    
accepted by the clergyman--a code which 
has been  crystallized in a phrase by   
calling the clergy the third sex--and   
he1  like the women1 should be in revolt
 against it if he is to be saved4       
,indeed1 we are or should be allies1 not
 foes4 ,let the priest or minister  wear
 the same kind of collar as other       
people1 mix with them on equal terms1   
and then1 if he has a higher moral      
standard than they1 it will be his  own 
standard1 accepted by him because it    
commands his homage1 and not a  standard
 imposed on him merely because he       
belongs to a certain caste4 ,it  is     
always the code of morals imposed from  

without that does mischief1 and  results
 in the repressions and perversions     
about which modern psychology  has      
taught us so much4    ,it will perhaps  
be urged that the peculiar dangers of   
which ecclesiastics  are conscious are  
due to the psychological fact that the  
erotic and  religious emotions are      
closely allied4 ,that this is a fact    
will hardly be  doubted4 ,but again the 
problem is either an individual one1 or 
it must  be solved by abandoning our    
present position and reverting to that  
of an  earlier and cruder civilization4 
,it is possible to argue that eroticism 
and  religion are so nearly allied and  
so easily mistaken for one another1 that
  safety and sincerity alike demand     
separate worship for men and women4,f   
,it  is also possible to leave it to the
 individual to manage himself1 conquer  
where he can and flee where he cannot4  
,but it is not possible1 on grounds  of 
religious eroticism1 to protect men from
 listening to a woman preaching1  at the

 cost of compelling women to listen to  
no one but a man2 or insist on  the     
intolerable cruelty of compelling a     
man-priest to celebrate mass with a     
woman server1 while forcing the woman to
 make her confession to a man4          
,footnote ,f3 ,as1 e4g41 among the      
,mahometans and1 to a less extent1 the  
,jews4    ,i am convinced that when     
religious people learn to refrain from  
cheap  religion based on emotional      
preaching and sentimental or rowdy      
music1  they will find that1 though     
eroticism and religion are nearly allied
 and  can easily be mistaken1 it is not 
impossible to distinguish between them4 
,the effort to do so should be made by  
our spiritual leaders1 and when made    
will result in a sturdier and more      
thoughtful religion4 ,while for those1  
whether men or women1 who are honestly  
aware that for them certain things  are 
impossible there will be an obvious     
alternative4 ,the man who cannot  forget
 the woman in the priest or preacher    

will not attend her church2 the  woman1 
of whom the same is sometimes true1 will
 avoid the ministrations of  men4 ,there
 will then be less of that eroticism in 
religion which some of  those who--by a 
curious perversion of logic--oppose the 
ministry of women  actually quote as a  
reason for compelling women to go to    
men-priests  because there is no one    
else for them to go to4        ,,ix     
,,further ,,misunderstandings3 ,,the    
,,need ,,for ,,sex ,,chivalry           
,men venerated and even feared          
women--particularly in their            
specifically sexual aspect--even while  
they bullied them2 and       even in    
corrupt and superstitious times1 when   
the ideal of       womanhood was lost   
sight of1 women tended to get back as   
witches the spiritual eminence they had 
failed to retain as       saints1       
matrons and saviours of society4        
,northcote3 ,christianity and ,sex      
,problems1 p4 #cbf4      ,chivalry is   
the courtesy of strength to weakness4   

,yet women who pride  themselves on     
their superior moral strength in regard 
to sex rarely feel  bound to show any   
chivalry towards the weak4 ,i do not    
myself believe that  women are as a     
whole stronger than men1 or that men are
 as a whole  stronger than women2 but ,i
 am sure that the sexes are relatively  
stronger  in certain respects and at    
certain points1 and that where one is   
stronger  than the other1 that one      
should feel the chivalrous obligation of
 strength  whether man or woman4        
,chivalry is not and ought not to be a  
masculine  virtue solely4    ,for       
example1 it is quite common to be told  
of 7or by7 some girl who is an  artist  
in flirtation that she is quite able to 
take care of herself4 ,this  appears to 
mean that whoever suffers1 she will not2
 and whatever is given1  she will not be
 the giver4 ,it is possible to go       
further and say that  whatever she buys 
she will certainly not pay for4    ,what
 does she buy8 ,well1 it depends1 of    

course1 on what she wants and what  is  
her social class4 ,but1 roughly         
speaking1 she wants both pleasure and   
homage--not only theatres and cinemas1  
ice-creams or chocolates1 but the       
incense that goes with such things--the 
demonstration of her triumphant  sexual 
charm1 which evokes such offerings4     
,of course1 in a great deal of this     
there is no harm4 ,people who like each 
other will like to please each other1 to
 give pleasure1 and to enjoy it         
together4 ,but there is something beyond
 this which is not harmless but         
detestable1 and that is the deliberate  
playing on sexual attraction in  order  
to extract homage and to demonstrate    
power4 ,a girl will sometimes  play on a
 man as a pianist on his instrument1 put
 a strain on him that  is intolerable1  
fray his nerves and destroy his         
self-control1 while she  herself1       
protected not by virtue but frigidity1  
complacently affirms that  she can take 
care of herself4 ,the blatant dishonesty

 of the business  never strikes her for 
a moment4 ,she takes all she wants and  
gives nothing  in return1 and honestly  
believes that this is because she is    
virtuous4  ,that she is a thief--and one
 who combines theft with torture--never 
occurs  to her2 yet it is true4         
,observe--,i do not suggest that it     
would be creditable if she did pay4 ,it 
would be no more so than ,herod's       
payment of ,john the ,baptist's head4   
,but  although it is wrong to take      
something you want and give in return   
what you  ought not to give1 it would be
 a curious sort of morality that would  
go on  to argue that it is right to take
 all and give nothing4 ,both            
transactions  are immoral and one is    
dishonest4    ,on the other hand1 it    
must be remembered that a parasite must 
take all  and give nothing or as little 
as possible4 ,that is the law of its    
being4  ,and so long as men resent the  
independence of women1 and enjoy the    
position  of perpetual paymaster1 so    

long will many women be driven to use   
the only  weapon they have left4        
,moreover1 it is fair to say--and this  
is why ,i plead  for light--that many of
 them are genuinely ignorant that they  
are playing  with fire4 ,the more frigid
 they are themselves1 the less are they 
able to  gauge the forces they are      
arousing2 the more ignorant they are1   
the less  possible is it for them to be 
chivalrous to those whose strength and  
weakness they alike misunderstand4 ,the 
half-knowledge1 the instinctive  arts1  
which girls sometimes display           
continually mislead men into thinking   
them a great deal cleverer than they    
are4 ,each is ignorant of the other's   
weakness1 and each puts the other in    
danger because of that ignorance4    ,i 
once spoke to a big meeting of girls in 
the neighbourhood of a big camp1  during
 the war2 and reflecting on the         
difficult position of the men--their    
segregation from ordinary feminine      
society1 their distance from their      

homes1 their unoccupied hours1 and the  
inevitable nervous and emotional  strain
 of preparing for the front--,i tried to
 make the girls realize how  hard they  
could make it for the men to keep       
straight1 if they were ignorant  or     
foolish themselves4 ,i knew--and said   
so--that the girls were in a  difficult 
position too2 but1 after all1 they      
prided themselves on being the  more    
moral 7i4e4 the stronger7 sex1 and      
should be chivalrous4    ,afterwards ,i 
got a reproachful letter from a         
woman-patrol1 who assured me  that if   
anything went wrong1 it was not the     
fault of the girls4 ,they are a  rough  
lot1 she wrote1 and1 of course1 they    
like to have a soldier to walk  out     
with4 ,they like to romp with the men1  
and to kiss them1 and perhaps  they do  
go rather far in letting the men pull   
them about4 ,but they have no  intention
 whatever of going any further4 ,if     
things do go further1 it is the  men's  
fault1 not the girls'4    ,i could      

hardly have a better instance of the    
sort of thing ,i mean4 ,the  girls want 
to have fun up to a certain point1 and  
there stop4 ,it does  not occur to them 
that there may be a difference in the   
point at which they  propose--or        
wish--to stop1 and that at which the man
 can4 ,that there is  any physiological 
or psychological factor in the case     
which makes stopping  possible at one   
moment and next-door to impossible at   
another1 and that  these factors may    
differ between the sexes1 so that one   
cannot stop just  where the other can1  
is quite a new idea not only to factory 
girls but to  women-patrols--at least to
 some of them4 ,a girl will cheerfully  
start a  man rushing down an inclined   
plane and then complain because he      
continues  rushing till he reaches the  
bottom4 ,well1 in a sense1 we ought not 
to  complain of either of them3 we ought
 to challenge the senseless way in      
which they are kept in the dark about   
each other4    ,in these days1 when so  

much greater liberty is accorded to boys
 and girls  than was given in the past1 
the friends of liberty should insist    
with  obstinacy on the need for         
knowledge4 ,for if liberty is           
unaccompanied and  unguided by          
knowledge1 its degeneration into licence
 will be triumphantly  used by the      
lovers of bondage as an argument against
 liberty itself4 ,let me  then say      
boldly that ,i am all for liberty4 ,i   
want boys and girls1 men and  women1 to 
see far more of each other and get to   
know each other much  better than in the
 past4 ,i believe in co-education1 and  
in real  co-education--not the sham that
 is practised in some of our            
universities  and colleges4 ,i see the  
risks and ,i want to take them4 ,i know 
there will be  disasters1 and ,i think  
them much less disastrous than those    
attending the  methods of obscurantism  
and restraint4 ,i think the idea that a 
boy and girl  may not touch each other  
introduces a silly atmosphere of unreal 

romance  where commonplace friendship is
 what is wanted4 ,but with all this1 and
  because of all this1 ,i want a girl to
 know that a boy's body and mind  are   
not exactly like hers2 and perhaps a boy
 to know that a girl's is not  totally  
unlike his6    ,in what way do they     
differ8 ,the male1 ,i think1 is more    
liable to sudden  gusts of passion1 of  
violence so great as to be almost       
uncontrollable--at  least so nearly so  
as to make it both cruel and stupid to  
arouse them4 ,a  woman's nature is not  
7generally7 so quickly stirred4 ,she    
takes longer to  move 7hence the        
universal fact of courtship74 ,or rather
 it might be more  accurate to say that 
he and she may both start at the same   
time from the  same point1 but she takes
 longer to reach the end1 and because   
this is so1  is more capable of stopping
 before the end is reached4 ,this she   
does not  understand1 and expects that  
if she can pause1 so can he2 while he   
also  misunderstands1 and does not know 

that there is for her1 just as much as  
for him1 a moment when self-control     
becomes impossible4    ,i have said so  
much about the lack of chivalry shown by
 women to men that  it is only          
reasonable to point out that the reverse
 is true1 and that men  are often       
extraordinarily unchivalrous towards    
women4 ,the cause is1 of  course1 the   
same3 they do not realize what a strain 
they are putting on  them4 ,there is    
still a very general assumption1 even by
 those who really  know better1 that    
women have no passions and are untempted
 from within4 ,i  have often been       
assured by men of the world that a woman
 can always stop  a man if she wants to4
 ,no doubt she can--some men4 ,she can  
stop them if  she wants to4 ,the trouble
 is that a time comes when she cannot   
want to4  ,the bland assumption that a  
man has a perfect right to play on a    
woman's  sex-instincts till they are    
beyond control1 and then call her the   
guilty one because they are beyond      

control1 is based on the age-old        
determination not to recognize the full 
humanity of women4 ,they are  different 
from men4 ,so they are4 ,i have admitted
 it4 ,but the likeness  is much greater 
than the difference4 ,and neither the   
likeness nor the  difference makes      
self-control an easy thing for her4 ,it 
is easier up to  a certain point1       
because she is more slowly moved2 it is 
harder when that  point is reached      
because her whole nature is involved4   
,she has never  learnt to say that she  
can give her body to one while remaining
 spiritually  faithful to another1 and  
perhaps she never will learn4 ,i at     
least suspect  so4 ,she may be as fickle
 as a man1 but it will be in a different
 way4    ,of course1 in all this ,i     
generalize very rashly from a very      
narrow  experience4 ,my excuse is that  
these things must be discussed if we are
 ever  to generalize more safely1 or to 
learn that we must not generalize at    
all4  ,and ,i have come to the          

conclusion that it is perhaps as        
possible to know  something of what is  
or is not true when one is unmarried as 
when one is  married4 ,at least one     
escapes the snare into which so many    
married people  surprisingly fall1 of   
generalizing from an experience which is
 not merely  as narrow as everyone's    
must be1 but actually unique2 which     
enables them to  pronounce with         
stupefying confidence that all men are  
as this man is2 all  women as his wife2 
and all marriages as his marriage4 ,when
 one has had the  honour of receiving   
the confidence of a succession of such  
prophets and  heard them pronounce in   
turn1 but in an entirely different      
sense1 upon  the difficulties or        
easinesses of sex-relationships1 always 
with a full  assurance that they are    
right1 not only in their own case but   
universally1  one begins to make a few  
tentative generalizations oneself in the
 hope that  they will at least provoke  
discussion and engender light4        ,x

      ,,the ,,sin ,,of ,,the            
,,bridegroom           ,a deathless     
bubble from the fresh lips blown        
,of ,cherubim at play about ,god's      
throne       ,seemed her virginity4 ,she
 dreamed alone       ,dreams round and  
sparkling as some sea-washed stone4     
,then an oaf saw and lusted at the      
sight4       ,they smashed the thing    
upon their wedding night4               
,dunch1       ,susan ,miles4            
,something has been said by others of   
one of the most fruitful sources of     
misunderstanding between men and women1 
where misunderstanding is likely to     
have the most disastrous results--what  
has been called by ,rosegger the sin  of
 the bridegroom4 ,perhaps sin is a      
mistaken word4 ,if irreparable harm  is 
often done on the wedding night1 it is  
quite as much due to ignorance  as to   
cruelty4 ,nothing is more astonishing   
than the widespread ignorance of  men   
and women of the fact that courtship is 
not a mere convention1 or a  means of   

flattering the vanity of women1 but a   
physiological necessity  if there is to 
be any difference at all between the    
union of lovers and a  rape4    ,it is  
all1 ,i suppose1 part of the old        
possessive idea which1 making of  a     
woman something less than a human       
personality with wishes1 desires and    
temperament of her own1 forbade the man 
to realize or even to know that  her    
body has its needs as well as his1 and  
that to regard it merely as an          
instrument is to be in danger of real   
cruelty4    ,you can bargain for the    
possession of a violin and the moment it
 is yours1  may play upon it4 ,it is    
yours4 ,if you are in the mood to play1 
it must be  ready for you4 ,if it is    
not1 then tune it1 and it will be4,g    
,but a human  being cannot be treated so
 in any human relationship4 ,it needs   
mutual  patience and mutual respect to  
make a relationship human4    ,footnote 
,g3 ,but even a violin will need to be  
tuned4    ,this simple fact1 however1   

has been so little understood of lovers1
 that  husbands have1 in genuine        
ignorance of the cruelty they were      
committing1  raped their wives on their 
wedding night4 ,judging by what one     
knows of  wedding-days1 it could hardly 
be supposed that there could be a more  
unpropitious moment for the consummation
 of marriage4 ,and when to the  fatigue 
and strain of the day is added--as is   
still quite often the  case--blank      
though uneasy ignorance as to what      
marriage involves1 or the  thunderbolt  
of knowledge 7sic7 launched by the      
bride's mother the night  before1 or the
 morning of the day itself1 it would be 
difficult with the  utmost deliberation 
and skill better to ensure absolute     
repulsion and  horror on the part of the
 bride4 ,i think that any man who would 
consider  this from the bride's point of
 view would see that she need not       
necessarily  be cold or unresponsive    
because1 in such circumstances1 she     
needs rest and  consideration more than 

passion4 ,but ,i wish men could know a  
little more  than this1 and understand  
that to enforce physical union when a   
woman's  psychical and emotional nature 
does not desire it1 is definitely and   
physically cruel4 ,woman is not a       
passive instrument1 and to treat her as 
such is to injure her4    ,perhaps ,i   
may be forgiven for labouring this point
 because1 in fact1  misunderstanding    
here is so disastrous4 ,marriage1 after 
all1 is a relation  into which the      
question of physical union enters1 and  
if there is no  equality of desire1     
marriage will be much less than it might
 be4 ,women  are--idiotically--taught to
 believe that passion is a              
characteristic of the  depraved woman   
and of the normal man1 who is shown by  
this fact to be on a  lower spiritual   
level than 7normal7 woman4 ,this        
senseless pride in what  is merely a    
defect of temperament where it exists   
has poisoned the marital  relations of  
many men and women1 and has led women   

into marrying when they  were           
temperamentally unfitted for such a     
relation1 and quite unable to make      
anyone happy in it4 ,nor ought they to  
be too much blamed1 since they are      
often unaware of what they ought to be  
prepared to give in marriage and  firmly
 convinced that their preposterous      
ignorance is in some inexplicable  way a
 virtue4 ,why it should be admirable1 or
 even commonly honest1 to  undertake    
duties of whose nature you are ignorant1
 neither men nor women  seem ever to    
have decided1 and the illusion is       
beginning to pass4 ,but it is  still not
 understood that the woman who is not   
temperamentally asexual may  easily be  
made so by being forced when she is not 
ready1 and physically  hurt when a      
little patience and tenderness would    
have saved her4 ,forel1  ,havelock1     
,ellis and others have insisted on this1
 but their books are  unfortunately not 
easily accessible to the general public2
 and something  may be added to the more

 widely read productions of ,dr4        
,stopes4,h ,not  only the physiological 
but the psychological side of the       
problem has to be  considered1 and it   
would be hard to decide which is the    
more important or  which the vera causa 
of the other's reaction4 ,scientists may
 perhaps tell  us some day3 here ,i want
 only to point out that there is a      
spiritual factor  in the case which     
needs at least to be recognized4        
,footnote ,h3 ,married ,love1 ,wise     
,parenthood1 and ,radiant ,motherhood4  
,by ,marie ,carmichael ,stopes4    ,is  
passion a cause or an effect8 ,in other 
words1 should physical union be  the    
expression of spiritual union8 ,is it   
the outward and visible sign of  an     
inward and spiritual grace8 ,or is it a 
means by which that grace is  achieved8 
,i think the first instinct of most     
women would be to say that  spiritual   
union should be expressed by physical   
union1 and that unless  this spiritual  
union exists the physical union is      

wrong4 ,and yet everyone  who stops to  
think will admit that the expression of 
an emotion deepens  it4 ,one can work   
oneself up into a rage by shouting and  
swearing4 ,one can  deepen love by      
expressing love4 ,it is noticeable that 
the whole case for  birth control has   
repeatedly been argued from the ground  
that the act of  physical union not only
 expresses but intensifies and increases
 love4    ,marriage is the most         
difficult of human relations1 because it
 is the most  intimate and the most     
permanent4 ,to live so close to         
another--who1 in  spite of all1 remains 
another--to be brought so near1 to      
associate so  intimately with another   
personality1 without jarring or         
wounding--that  is hard4 ,no wonder it  
is not invariably a success6 ,but       
passion makes  it possible to many to   
whom1 without this1 it would not be     
possible4  ,ultimately passion should be
 transcended since in any case it must  
be left  behind4 ,yet it has served its 

end1 in deepening and intensifying the  
love  of two people for one another4    
,where then lies the difficulty1 since  
probably men and women alike would      
agree that what ,i have said is true8   
,the difference of view is perhaps more 
in practice than in theory2 yet it  is  
all the harder of adjustment for that4  
,in theory1 both men and women  would   
agree that physical union1 ideally1     
should express a spiritual  union2 and  
that in doing so1 it deepens and        
intensifies it4 ,but it is still        
possible to disagree as to which of     
these two aspects of an admitted truth  
is the more vital and fundamental4      
,it may be1 as ,i have already          
suggested1 that the woman's point of    
view is  due to her physiology2 or it   
may at least be influenced by it4 ,at   
least1  ,i am convinced that to the     
woman the sense that physical union is  
only  justified by already existent     
spiritual union1 is the normal one4 ,i  
believe  that1 however incapable she may

 be of explaining it1 and however her   
power  of reasoning may be vitiated by  
wrong ideas about the sexual relation1  
she  does instinctively recoil from its 
use when its reason for existence is not
  there4 ,she may attribute her         
reluctance to the fact that she is too  
womanly  7sic71 too spiritually minded  
to have any desire for sexual relations 
at  all2 her husband may attribute it to
 coldness of temperament or modesty4    
,in fact1 it is due to the cause ,i have
 stated1 and if she had never been      
called upon to give her body except when
 her own desire for the outward  and    
visible sign of an inward and spiritual 
grace demanded it1 her  husband would   
have found that she was not             
temperamentally defective1 but as  good 
a lover as he4    ,no one who lives in  
the world at all can fail to understand 
that in every  human relationship1 and  
supremely in this one1 there must be    
much mutual  accommodation1 much give   
and take1 a great gentleness to every   

claim made  in the name of love4 ,all ,i
 am concerned to do here is to help to  
clear up  misunderstandings4 ,it is no  
claim that ,i put forward that the      
woman's point  of view is superior to   
the man's3 merely that they seem to me a
 little  different4    ,a man who is    
conscious of jarring1 who finds himself 
a little at  cross-purposes with the    
woman he loves1 and yet knows that the  
jarring is  merely superficial and the  
love profound1 may easily feel that to  
ask and  offer once more the supreme    
expression of that love is the best way 
to  transcend the temporary lack of     
sympathy and restore love to its right  
place and true proportion4 ,who shall   
say that he is wrong8 ,is it not        
certain that the expression of love does
 intensify and deepen love8 ,is not  a  
sacrament the means of grace as well as 
its symbol4    ,yet let him be warned4  
,he may easily seem to his wife to be   
contenting  himself with the symbol     
without the reality1 the body without   

the soul4 ,if  she understands him1 she 
may go with him4 ,if she does not1 no   
yielding on  her part--no physical      
passion that he may arouse--will quite  
stifle the  protest which tells her that
 she suffers spiritual violation4 ,do   
you  remember the cry of ,julie in ,the 
,three ,daughters of ,m4 ,dupont8 ,it is
 a  nightly warfare in which ,i am      
always defeated4 ,that her physical     
nature  is suborned to aid in the       
conquest only increases for her the     
sense of  degradation4    ,this         
difference in point of view affects the 
relations of men and women  far more    
widely than is realized1 since it is apt
 to arise wherever the  physical comes  
in at all--and where does it not8 ,not a
 touch only1 or a  caress1 but all      
deliberate appeal to sexual feeling     
becomes more difficult  to women as they
 grow more civilized4 ,it is perhaps    
difficult for a man  to realize1 in the 
atmosphere of giggles and whispers with 
which sex  is surrounded in the theatre1

 the novel and the press1 how revolting 
it  becomes to modern women to be       
expected to use such means for holding a
  lover1 or extorting concessions from  
one who is held4 ,it was much easier1   
,i suppose1 when women did not          
understand what they were about4 ,one   
sees  that to such women it is          
comparatively easy to-day4 ,and the     
position  is complicated by inheritance 
of the age-old conviction that a woman  
is  supremely woman when she can bend a 
man by precisely these means4 ,but the  
revolt is here4 ,and--for the sake of   
clearness--what ,i am concerned to show 
is that a woman is not necessarily      
asexual or cold because she will not use
  an appeal to sexuality in order to get
 what she wants4 ,she may have all the  
temperament in the world1 but she has   
also self-respect1 and she revolts  from
 the idea of exploiting for advantage   
what should be sacramental4    ,i       
believe that a better understanding on  
this point would save not only  great   

disasters but an infinity of small jars 
and strains1 and if ,i  have put the    
woman's point of view at some length it 
is partly because ,i  understand it     
better1 but chiefly because it is       
comparatively modern to  admit that she 
has a point of view to put4    ,once    
understood1 it becomes easier to        
understand also the startling  successes
 and disastrous failures which attend   
the remarkable practice of  teaching a  
woman to love after she is married4 ,the
 extent to which social  tabus and      
prudery may actually inhibit a woman's  
natural sexual development  makes it    
possible1 as we have seen1 for her to   
marry in ignorance of what  marriage    
implies4 ,when this happens1 her love1  
though it may be noble1  altruistic and 
spiritual1 does not involve her whole   
nature4 ,her husband1  if he respects   
her sufficiently1 will be able to awaken
 that which sleeps1  and in accordance  
with the undoubted truth that expression
 intensifies  love1 he does teach her to

 love him not only in one sense but in  
all4    ,on the other hand1 if she does 
not already love him1 he will not       
succeed  in teaching her anything but   
disgust if he dreams that by compelling 
physical union he can create spiritual  
union4    ,evidently it is a singularly 
dangerous attempt6 ,it is to be hoped   
that in  future no woman will run such  
risks out of ignorance1 but that lovers 
will1  before they marry1 understand    
what each expects1 what each desires to 
give1  and at least start fair4    ,this
 is no less important with regard to    
other matters in which marriages  are   
often wrecked4 ,surely people who       
propose to spend their lives together   
ought to know 7for example7 whether     
children are desired and whether many   
or few2 and what the attitude of either 
is on the vexed subject of birth        
control4 ,imagine the case of a husband 
who thinks the use of contraceptives    
right and wishes to use them2 and a wife
 who thinks them absolutely wrong  and1 

being warned by the doctor that she must
 not have more children1  cheerfully1   
and with perfect conviction that she is 
acting nobly1 invites  her husband to   
run the risk of causing her death6 ,yet 
,i have known such  cases4    ,i do not 
enter into the question of birth        
control1 because it has been and  is    
being discussed much more freely than in
 the past1 and by married people  who   
are much better able to estimate the    
difficulties and advantages on  either  
side of the question than any unmarried 
person can possibly be4  ,since1        
however1 ,i am continually asked at     
least to give my personal  opinion1 for 
what it is worth1 and since it is true  
that ,i have heard a  good deal 7on both
 sides7 from those who are married1 ,i  
will say briefly  that it seems to me of
 supreme importance 7#a7 that every     
child that is born  should be desired1  
and 7#b7 that no mother's time and      
strength should be  so far overtaxed as 
to prevent her giving to each child all 

the love and  individual care that it   
requires4    ,this necessitates control 
of the birth-rate1 for a baby every year
 means  a too-hurried emptying of the   
mother's arms4 ,but ,i disagree--very   
diffidently--with the majority of my    
friends and acquaintances who hold  that
 the right and best method is the use of
 contraceptives4 ,i do not think  it the
 best2 ,i do not think it ideal4 ,unlike
 some authorities who must be  heard    
with respect1 ,i can say with confidence
 that some of the noblest1  happiest and
 most romantic marriages ,i know base   
their control of  conception not on     
contraceptives but on abstinence4 ,they 
are not prigs1  they are not asexual1   
they do not drift apart1 and they have  
no harsh  criticism to make on those who
 have decided otherwise4 ,these are     
facts1 and  it is useless to ignore     
them4    ,on the other hand1 it is      
equally true that sometimes such an     
attempt at  self-control leads to       
nervous strain1 irritability and        

alienation4 ,these  also are facts4     
,personally1 ,i would submit marital    
relations to the two tests ,i have      
proposed1 and add that we have succeeded
 in oversexing ourselves to an  extent  
which cannot be ignored2 that we have   
repressed till we are  obsessed2 and    
that1 before we right ourselves1 we     
shall have to make many  experiments1   
try many roads1 and suffer many things4 
,it is then above all  necessary that we
 be very gentle to one another and even 
a little patient  with ourselves4 ,i    
conceive it much better to use          
contraceptives than to  bear unwanted   
children2 ,i conceive it also better to 
use them than to be  cruel to others or 
become neurotic oneself2 but that it is 
the ideal ,i do  not believe4           
,,xi      ,,common-,,sense ,,and        
,,divorce ,,law ,,reform                
,those whom ,god hath joined together   
let no man put asunder4      ,in view of
 what ,i have said,i about our marriage 
and divorce laws1 several  people have  

asked what ,i should actually propose in
 the way of reform1 and  ,i am glad to  
take the opportunity of a new edition   
briefly to answer this  question4       
,footnote ,i3 ,see ,chapter ,v4    ,i do
 not wish to see reform take the line of
 a longer list of causes  for divorce1  
such1 for example1 as drunkenness1      
insanity1 imprisonment for  life1 and so
 on4 ,i should prefer to abolish these  
lists altogether1 and to  bring all     
divorce cases under some form of        
equitable jurisdiction1 each  case being
 decided on its merits4    ,it should be
 the business of the court to decide    
whether the marriage  desired to be     
invalidated has in actual fact any      
validity or reality at  all2 and to     
declare the couple divorced if it has   
not4 ,in such courts men  and women 7or 
a man and a woman7 should act together  
as judges4    ,it will be urged that to 
decide such a question is beyond the    
power of any  human judgment2 but ,i    
submit that in fact such decisions are  

being given  every day4 ,a judge who    
grants a judicial separation is deciding
 that a  marriage has ceased to be real 
or valid1 and he divorces the couple a  
mensa et thoro1 though leaving them     
without the power to marry again4 ,he   
actually puts them asunder more rigidly 
than a divorced couple4 ,since  this is 
possible1 it cannot be impossible for   
him to decide that the  marriage must be
 wholly dissolved1 with freedom of      
re-marriage to other  partners2 though  
such a decision1 being even more grave1 
should not be  reached without certain  
safeguards4    ,these safeguards should 
include that teaching about marriage on 
which ,i  have insisted throughout the  
whole of this book4 ,young people should
 know  what sex is and involves3 what   
marriage is3 how necessary to the       
welfare of  the race1 their children and
 themselves are fidelity and love4 ,they
 should  know that unless they believe  
that their love is indeed for life they 
ought  not to marry4 ,they should       

understand that to fail here is to fail 
most  tragically4    ,if1 nevertheless1 
a man and woman believe that their      
marriage is a complete  and hopeless    
failure1 their claim to be released from
 it should not be  granted in haste4 ,a 
period of years should in any case      
elapse before  divorce can be obtained1 
and every effort should be used to      
reconcile the  two1 to remove any       
removable cause of difficulty1 to       
convince them of the  possibility of    
making good1 by loyalty1 unselfishness  
and a deep sense of  responsibility1    
even an incomplete and desecrated bond4 
,if1 however1 it is clear that for no   
worthy consideration can they be        
induced to take up again the duties and 
responsibilities of marriage--if  they  
remain immovably and rationally         
convinced that their marriage is not  a 
real marriage--they should be released4 
,and this because it is not moral  but  
immoral1 not ,christian1 but            
un,christian1 to pretend that a marriage

 is  real and sacred when it is not4    
,if there is one quality more striking  
than another in the teaching of         
,christ1 it is ,his emphasis on reality4
 ,it is in this that the height and     
depth of ,his morality stand revealed4  
,we do no service--we do a profound     
dis-service--to morals when we admit    
that a marriage is so utterly devoid  of
 reality that the best thing we can do  
for a married couple is to  separate    
them from each other altogether--set    
them apart--free them from  each other's
 rights--break up their home--and yet   
maintain the legal lie  that they are   
still a married couple4    ,it will be  
asked how the interests of the children 
can be safeguarded4  ,the interests of  
children are best safeguarded by the    
education and  enlightenment of parents4
 ,they cannot be wholly saved if1 after 
all1 their  parents have ceased to love 
or respect one another1 for nothing the 
law can  do will make up to them for    
that which is every child's right--a    

home ruled  by love and full of         
happiness4 ,the best that can then be   
done is to rescue  them from the misery 
of a home full of unhappiness and       
hatred1 and to  assign them to the      
parent who1 in the judgment of the      
court1 is best fitted  to care for them4
    ,let me add that1 while ,i hold that
 the persistent and unconquerable       
conviction of two people that they ought
 to be divorced ought ultimately to     
entitle them to it1 this should not be  
the case if one only of two married     
people seeks release4 ,in this case1 the
 decision should be entirely with  the  
court4    ,to those who feel that not   
only our ,lord's words but also the     
interpretation put upon those words by  
the ,church is of supreme importance1   
the following statement will be of      
interest3 ,it is quite arguable that    
relief may be granted on the grounds    
that what is impossible cannot be  done4
 ,it may be shown on the one hand that  
to such and such a person it is  morally

 impossible to live with such and such  
another person1 and on the  other hand  
that it is morally impossible to live   
without marriage4 ,in such  instances   
there is room for the exercise of our   
'dispensation from the  impediment of   
the legamen' 7bond74 ,this is the       
practice of the ,eastern  ,church1 which
 allows the innocent party to re-marry1 
and also grants relief  in cases of     
incurable insanity4    ,with regard to  
the ,western ,church1 ,divorce and      
subsequent re-marriage  in              
pre-,reformation days were only allowed 
on grounds existing before the  contract
 was entered into4 7,there seems good   
reason for the belief that our  ,lord's 
words as recorded by ,st4 ,matthew refer
 to prenuptial unchastity47  ,but in    
spite of this apparently narrow         
restriction there were fourteen  grounds
 on which a marriage could be declared  
null and void before the  ,reformation1 
and it was constantly being done4       
,canonists and ,theologians  taught that

 the full and free consent of parties   
was essential to  marriage--which       
teaching obviously would enable a very  
wide view of the  subject to be taken4,j
    ,footnote ,j3 ,from a ,memorandum on
 ,divorce1 published in ,the ,challenge1
  ,july #e1 #aiah4