,a ,,brief ,,memoir    ,,with ,,portions
 ,,of ,,the    ,,diary1    ,,letters1   
,,and ,,other ,,remains1    ,,of        
,,eliza ,,southall1    ,,late ,,of      
,,birmingham1 ,,england4    #ahfi4      
,for to me to live is ,christ1 and to   
die is gain4--,,phil4 #a4 #ba4          
,,introduction      ,the first edition  
of this volume appeared in ,england in  
#ahee1 where  it was printed for private
 circulation only4 ,many expressions of 
the  interest that has been felt in its 
perusal1 and of the value that has  been
 attached to the record it contains1    
have reached the editor  and the family 
of the departed4 ,several applications  
to allow its  publication in ,america   
have also been received2 and1 after     
serious  consideration1 the editor feels
 that he ought not to withhold his      
consent4    ,in order that it may be    
more interesting and worthy of the      
largely-extended circulation that it is 
now likely to obtain1  additions have   
been made1 and particulars inserted1    

which a greater  lapse of time from the 
occurrence of the events narrated1 seems
 now  to permit4 ,a slight thread of    
biographical notice has also been       
introduced4    ,but it is not to this   
part1 which merely serves to render the 
volume  more complete1 by enabling the  
reader to understand the circumstances  
by which the writer of the ,diary was   
surrounded1 but to the ,diary  itself1  
that the editor desires to commend      
attention1 believing that  those who    
enjoy to trace the operations and       
effects of ,divine grace on  the heart  
will find much that is interesting and  
valuable therein1  and that the young   
may reap instruction and encouragement  
from the  spiritual history of one who  
early and earnestly sought the ,lord4   
,,william ,,southall1 ,,jr4             
,,edgbaston1 ,,birmingham1 #b;d mo4     
#abth1 #ahfa4          ,,brief ,,memoir 
,,of    ,,eliza ,,southall4      ,eliza 
,southall1 wife of ,william ,southall1  
,jr41 of ,birmingham1 ,england1  and    

daughter of ,john and ,eliza ,allen1 was
 born at ,liskeard1 on the #ith  of #fth
 month1 #ahbc4    ,as she felt a strong 
attachment to the scenes of her         
childhood1 and  an interest in the      
people among whom she spent the greater 
part of her  short life1--an attachment 
which is evinced many times in the      
course  of her memoranda1--it may       
interest the ,american reader to know   
that  ,liskeard is an ancient but small 
town in ,cornwall4 ,the country around  
is broken up into hill and dale1 sloping
 down to the sea a few miles  distant1  
the rocky shores of which are dotted    
with fishing-villages2  in an opposite  
direction it swells into granite hills1 
in which  are numerous mines of copper  
and lead4 ,there is a good deal of      
intelligence1 and also of religious     
feeling1 to be met with among both  the 
miners and fishermen1 ,cornwall having  
been the scene of a great  revival in   
religion in the time of ,john ,wesley1  
the effects of which  have not been     

suffered to pass away4 ,a meeting of    
,friends has been  held at ,liskeard    
from an early period in the history of  
the ,society2  but1 as in many other    
country places in ,england1 the numbers 
seem  gradually to diminish1 various    
attractions drawing the members to the  
larger towns4 ,launceston ,castle1 so   
well known in connection with the       
sufferings of ,george ,fox1 is a few    
miles distant4    ,the family-circle1   
until broken a few years before her own 
marriage  by that of an elder sister1   
consisted1 in addition to her parents1  
of  five daughters1 two of whom were    
older and two younger than ,eliza4 ,her 
father was long known and deservedly    
esteemed by ,friends in ,england1  and  
her mother is an approved minister4     
,john ,allen was a man of  sound        
judgment and of liberal and enlightened 
views1 ever desirous  of upholding the  
truth1 but at the same time ready to    
listen to the  arguments of those who   
might differ from him in opinion4       

,moderate and  cautious in counsel and  
conduct1 firm1 yet a peacemaker1 he was 
truly  a father in the ,church4 ,for    
many years he took an active part in    
the deliberations of the ,yearly        
,meeting1 and was often employed in     
services connected with the ,society4   
,he was known to many ,friends on  the  
,american continent1 from having visited
 that country in #ahde by  appointment  
of the ,london ,yearly ,meeting4 ,he was
 the author of a work  entitled ,state  
,churches and the ,kingdom of ,christ1  
and of several  pamphlets on religious  
subjects4 ,he died in #ahei4    ,john   
,allen retired from business at an early
 age2 and a prominent  reason for his   
doing so was that he might devote       
himself more fully to  the education of 
his daughters1 which was conducted      
almost entirely at  home4 ,having a     
decided taste for the ancient classics1 
he considered  that so good a foundation
 of a sound education ought not to be   
neglected4 ,the same might be said of   

the older history and literature  of his
 own country1 including its poetry1 in  
which he was well read2  but he fully   
encouraged his pupils to become         
acquainted also with  the better        
productions of the day1 to the tone of  
which their younger  minds were more    
easily adapted4 ,nor was education      
confined to direct  instruction in the  
school-room4 ,in a little memoir of     
,john ,allen1  published in the ,annual 
,monitor1 we read1 ,in the domestic     
circle1  the tender1 watchful care and  
sympathy of the parent were blended     
with the constant stimulus to           
self-improvement of the teacher2 and the
  readiness to sacrifice personal ease  
and convenience1 in order that  he might
 enter into the pursuits and amusements 
of his children1 was  united with an    
unremitting endeavor to maintain a high 
standard of  moral and religious        
feeling4 ,thus by example as well as by 
precept did  he evince his deep concern 
for their best welfare4 ,as years passed

 on1  his cordial sympathy with their   
interests1 and his anxiety as far as    
possible to share his own with them1    
gave an additional power to his         
influence1 not easily estimated4 ,such  
were the simple and natural  means of   
education employed4 ,the aim was true   
enlargement of mind2 and  the desire was
 carefully instilled that the knowledge 
acquired  should be valued for its own  
sake1 not as a possession to be used for
  display4 ,at the same time1 care was  
taken not to destroy the balance        
between the intellect and the           
affections1 so that1 whilst the growth  
of the mental powers was encouraged1    
domestic and social duties  should not  
suffer1 and habits of self-reliance     
should be formed4 ,from  earliest       
childhood the great principles of       
,christianity were instilled  into the  
opening minds of the children2 and when 
the reflective powers  had come into    
operation1 their reasonings were watched
 and guided into  safe paths4 ,in this  

object1 as in all the pursuits of her   
children1  was the loving influence of a
 watchful mother gently felt4 ,thus by  
the united love and example of the      
parents were the affections of the      
children directed to a risen ,saviour2  
and it is the aim of this volume  to    
show1 principally from records penned by
 her own hand1 how one  beloved daughter
 grew in grace and in the knowledge of  
the ,lord1 until  it pleased ,him to    
take her to ,himself4    ,eliza         
,southall possessed a mind of no common 
order2 and hers was  a character in     
which simplicity and strength1          
originality and  refinement1 were       
beautifully blended3 diffident and      
retiring1 she was  best appreciated     
where she was known most intimately4    
,in very early life she manifested an   
unusual degree of mental power4  ,when  
quite a little child1 her earnest       
pursuit of knowledge was  remarkable3   
she delighted in her lessons1 and chose 
for her own  reading a class of books   

far beyond the common taste of children4
    ,her ardent1 impulsive nature was1  
to a beautiful degree1 tempered and     
softened by a depth of tenderness and   
intensity of feeling1 together  with a  
warmth of affection1 which bound her    
very closely in sympathy1  even as a    
child1 with those around her4    ,these 
sweet traits of natural character were  
so early blended with the  unmistakable 
evidences of the fruit of divine grace  
in her heart1 that  it would be         
difficult to point to any time in her   
earliest childhood  when there was not  
an earnest strife against evil1 some    
sweet proof of  the power of overcoming 
grace1 and some manifestation of love to
 her  ,saviour4    ,her own words       
sweetly describe her feelings in        
recalling this  period3--,when ,i look  
back to the years of my early childhood1
 ,i  cannot remember the time when the  
,lord did not strive with me2 neither   
can ,i remember any precise time of my  
first covenant4 ,it was the  gentle     

drawing of the cords of his love2 it was
 the sweet impress of  his hand2 it was 
the breathing in silence of a wind that 
bloweth where  it listeth4    ,the      
following instances of the serious      
thoughtfulness of her early  childhood  
are fresh in her mother's recollection4 
,on one of her  sisters first going to  
meeting1 ,eliza1 who was younger1 much  
wished  to accompany her2 saying1 ,i    
know1 mamma1 that ,r---- and ,i can have
  meetings at home2 but ,i do want to   
go4 ,being told that her going must     
depend upon her sister's behavior1      
,eliza ran to her1 and putting her  arms
 round her neck1 said1 most earnestly1  
,do1 dear ,r----1 be a good  girl and   
behave well4 ,the dear child's desire to
 attend meeting was  soon gratified2 and
 that morning she selected1 to commit to
 memory1  ,jane ,taylor's appropriate   
hymn on attending public worship1       
especially  noticing the stanza--       
,the triflers1 too1 ,his eye can see1   
,who only seem to take a part2    ,they 

move the lip1 and bend the knee1        
,but do not seek ,him with the heart1-- 
saying1 earnestly1 ,oh1 ,i hope ,i shall
 not be like those6    ,at another time1
 whilst amusing herself with her toys1  
she asked1  ,mamma1 what is it that     
makes me feel so sorry when ,i have done
  wrong8 ,directly1 mamma3 what is it8  
,on her mother's explaining that  it was
 the ,holy ,spirit put into her heart by
 her heavenly ,father1 she  replied1    
,but how very whispering it is1 mamma6  
,nobody else can hear  it4 ,yes1 my     
dear1 said her mother2 and thou mayst   
sometimes hear  it compared to a 'still 
small voice1 and then thou wilt know    
what  is meant4 ,she answered1 ,yes1    
mamma1 and then continued to amuse      
herself as before4    ,the first        
remembrance of ,eliza retained by one of
 her younger sisters  is that of sitting
 opposite to her in the nursery-window  
while she  endeavored1 in a simple      
manner1 to explain to her the source and
  object of her being4 ,to the same     

sister she afterwards addressed  some   
affectionate lines of infantile poetry  
urging the same subject1  commencing1-- 
,look1 precious child1 to ,jesus        
,christ4    ,the missionary spirit which
 filled her young heart was also evinced
  by her desire to possess a donkey1    
that she might distribute ,bibles in    
the country places round about2 and this
 was afterwards spoken of as  the       
ambition of her childhood4    ,together 
with the cheerful sweetness of her      
disposition1 there was  an unusual      
pensiveness1 a tender care for others1  
which was most  endearing1 and often    
touching to witness4 ,one day1          
perceiving her  mother much affected on 
receiving intelligence of the decease of
 a  valued friend and minister at a     
distance from home1 ,eliza evinced her  
sympathy by laying on the table before  
her some beautiful lines on  the death  
of ,howard4 ,on her mother asking if she
 thought the cases  similar1 she said1  
,not quite1 mamma3 ,j---- ,t---- was not

 without  friends4    ,so earnest was   
her anxiety for the good of herself and 
her sisters1  that1 when any thing wrong
 had been done1 her feelings of distress
  seemed equally excited1 whether for   
their sakes or her own4 ,after  any     
little trouble of this sort1 her mother 
often observed her  retire alone1 and1  
when she returned to the family-group1 a
 beaming  expression on her countenance 
would show where she had laid her       
sorrows4 ,sometimes in her play-hours   
she would endeavor to prepare  her two  
younger sisters for the lessons which   
they would receive from  their father1  
and1 when the time came for her to join 
in giving them  regular instruction1 she
 entered into it with zest and interest4
    ,many hours were spent during the   
summer in the little plots of ground    
allotted to herself and sisters out of a
 small plantation skirting  a meadow    
near the house1 and many others in      
reading under the old  elm-trees which  
cast their shade over the garden-walk4  

,the spare moments during her domestic  
occupations which she was  anxious not  
to neglect were often beguiled by       
learning pieces of  poetry1 a book being
 generally open at her side while thus  
employed4    ,earnestness of purpose and
 unwearied energy were characteristics  
of her mind4 ,whatever she undertook was
 done thoroughly and with  an untiring  
industry1 which often claimed the       
watchful care of her  parents from the  
fear lest she should overtax her        
strength4 ,it was  evidently difficult  
to her to avoid an unsuitable strain on 
her  physical powers1 whatever might be 
the nature of her pursuit1--whether  her
 own private reading or other           
intellectual occupation4 ,at one  period
 her time and energies were closely     
occupied for some months  in the        
formation of very elaborate charts1 by  
which she endeavored to  impress        
historical and scientific subjects on   
her mind4 ,the collection  and          
examination of objects illustrating the 

different branches  of natural history  
was also a very favorite pursuit1 in    
which she  delighted to join her        
sisters4 ,but the reader will best      
understand how  completely any pursuit  
in which she became deeply interested   
took hold  upon her1 from her own       
account of her experiences respecting   
poetry4    ,while deeply feeling her    
responsibility for the right use of all 
the talents intrusted to her care1 and  
earnestly engaged in their  cultivation1
 she was equally conscious of the claims
 of social duty1  and as solicitous to  
fulfil them1 seeking in every way to    
contribute  to the happiness of those   
around her1 whether among the poor or   
among  the friends and relatives of her 
own circle4    ,her journal1 while it   
exhibits an intense earnestness in      
analyzing the  state of her own mind1   
and perhaps rather too much proneness to
 dwell  morbidly upon it1 also evinces  
the tender joy and peace with which she 
was often blessed by the manifested     

presence of her ,lord4 ,it unfolds  an  
advancement in ,christian experience to 
which her conduct bore  living          
testimony1 and proves that in humble    
reliance on the hope set  before her in 
the gospel1 with growing distrust of    
herself1 her faith  increased in ,god   
her ,saviour1 and through his grace she 
was enabled  to maintain the struggle   
with her soul's enemies1 following on to
 know  the ,lord4    ,thus it was1 as   
she sought preparation for a more       
enlarged sphere of  usefulness on earth1
 her spirit ripened for the perfect     
service of  heaven2 and six weeks after 
she left her father's house a bride1 the
  summons was received to join that     
countless multitude who have washed     
their robes and made them white in the  
blood of the ,lamb2 therefore  are they 
before the throne of ,god1 and serve him
 day and night in his  temple4          
,,diary4      ,the diary which was kept 
by the beloved object of this memoir1   
and  the extracts from which form the   

principal part of this volume1 is       
contained in several volumes of         
closely-written manuscript1 and1  taken 
as a whole1 is a most interesting record
 of mental and spiritual  growth4 ,at   
times it was continued with almost daily
 regularity1 but  at others1 either from
 the pressure of occupations or from    
various  causes1 considerable intervals 
occur in which nothing was written4  ,it
 has been the endeavor of the editor to 
make such selections as may  preserve a 
faithful picture of the whole4 ,there is
 almost of necessity  a certain amount  
of repetition1 as in seasons of         
depression1 when  faith and hope seemed 
to be much obscured1 or1 on the other   
hand1 when  cheerful thankfulness and   
joy of heart were her portion2 and in   
such  places it did not seem right to   
curtail her words too much4 ,many       
entries referred too closely to personal
 and family matters to be  suitable for 
publication1 and the uneventful         
character of her life  does not leave   

room to supply in their stead much in   
the way of  narrative2 but it will be   
remembered that it is the heavenward    
journey  that it is desired to trace1   
not simply towards the land very  far   
off1 but that pilgrimage during which1  
though on earth1 the  believer in ,jesus
 is at times privileged to partake of   
the joys of  heaven4    ,the first      
volume of the series is entitled1 by its
 author1 ,mementos  of ,mercy to the    
,chief of ,sinners4 ,some lines written 
on her  fourteenth birthday--about the  
period1 of its commencement--may        
appropriately introduce the extracts4   
#fth ,mo4 #ith1 #ahcg4--      ,can it be
 true that one more link      ,in that  
mysterious chain1    ,which joins the   
two eternities1      ,i shall not see   
again8      ,eternity6 that awful thing 
,thought tries in vain to scan2    ,how 
far beyond the loftiest powers      ,of 
little1 finite man6      ,e'en daring   
fancy's fearless flight      ,in vain   
would grasp the whole1    ,and then1    

,how short man's mortal life6           
,exclaims the wondering soul4      ,a   
bubble on the ocean's breast1      ,a   
glow-worm's feeble ray1    ,that loses  
all its brilliancy      ,beneath the orb
 of day4      ,can it be joyful1 then1  
to find      ,that life is hastening    
fast8    ,can it be joyful to reflect1  
,this year may be our last8      ,look  
on the firmament above1      ,from south
 to northern pole3    ,can we find there
 a resting-place      ,for the immortal 
soul8             99       99       99  
99       99        ,where can we search 
to find its home8      ,the still small 
voice in thee    ,answers1 as from the  
eternal throne1      ,my own shall dwell
 with me4      ,and ,i have one year    
less to seek      ,an interest on high2 
,am one year nearer to the time         
,when ,i myself must die6      ,and when
 that awful time will come1      ,no    
human tongue can say2    ,but1 oh6 how  
startling is the thought      ,that it  
may be to-day6      ,how shall my guilty

 spirit meet      ,the great1           
all-searching eye8    ,conscious of my  
deficiencies1      ,as in the dust ,i   
lie4      ,how shall ,i join the        
ransom'd throng      ,around the throne 
that stand1    ,and cast their crowns   
before thy feet1      ,lord of the      
saintly band8      #abth ,mo4 #fth1     
#ahcf4 ,there are seasons in which    ,i
 am favored to feel a quiet resignation1
 to spend    and be spent in the service
 of ,him who1 even in    my youthful    
days1 has been pleased to visit me with 
the overshadowing of ,his mercy and     
love1 and to require    me to give up   
all my dearest secret idols1 and        
every thing which exalts self against   
the government    of the ,prince of     
,peace4      #dth ,mo4 #c;d1 #ahcg4     
,almost in despair of ever    being what
 ,i ought to be4 ,i feel so poor in     
every    good thing1 and so amazingly   
rich in every bad thing4    ,still this 
little spark of love that remains1 seems
 to    hope in ,him who will not quench 

the smoking flax4      #fth ,mo4 #dth4  
,i have cause to be very watchful4      
,satan is at hand3 temptations abound1  
and it is no    easy matter to keep in  
the right way4 ,to have my    affections
 crucified to the world is my desire4   
,the    way to the celestial city1 is   
not only through the    valley of       
humiliation1 but also through the valley
    of the shadow of death4      #fth   
,mo4 #aath4 ,many things have lately    
occurred    which have flattered my     
vanity4 ,i have received    compliments 
and commendations3 old ,adam likes      
these things1 and persuades me that ,i  
am somebody1    and may well feel       
complacency4 ,how needful is            
watchfulness6 may the true light        
discover to me the    snares that are   
set on every side4      #gth ,mo4 #b;d4 
,may ,i be enabled to give myself up    
as clay into the ,potter's hand1 without
 mixing up    any thing of my own       
contriving2 and in the silence    of all
 flesh1 wait to have the true seed      

watered and    nourished by heavenly    
dew4      #hth ,mo4 #b;d4 ,i feel       
humbled at the sight of my    many      
backslidings and deficiencies4 ,oh1 may 
,he1    who is touched with a feeling of
 our infirmities1 in    just judgment1  
remember mercy4 ,if ,he does not1       
there can be no hope for me2 but oh6 ,i 
trust ,he    will4 ,let not ,thy hand   
spare1 nor ,thine eye pity1    till     
,thou hast made me what thou wouldst    
have me    to be4      #hth ,mo4 #bjth4 
,utterly unworthy6 ,oh1 my    ,father6  
if there be any right beginning1 if     
there    be the least spark of good     
within me1 carry it on3    oh1 increase 
it1 that ,i may become as a plant of thy
    right hand planting1 that ,i may    
become a sheep of    thy fold4 ,assist  
me to present myself before thee    in  
true silence1 that ,i may wait upon thee
 in truth1    and worship thee in the   
silence of all flesh1 and    know all my
 treasure1 all my springs1 in ,thee4    
#ajth ,mo4 #acth4 ,we have just been    

favored with    a visit from ,j4,p41    
which has been to me a great    comfort4
 ,at our ,monthly ,meeting he addressed 
the young2 and it seemed as though he   
spoke the    very thoughts of my heart2 
and the sweet supplication    offered on
 their behalf that they might be        
preserved from the snares of the        
delusive world1    may it be answered4  
#dth ,mo4 #aeth1 #ahch4 ,i want to give 
up every    thing1 every thought1 every 
affection1 in short1 my    whole self1  
to my offered ,saviour4 ,then would ,his
    kingdom come1 and ,his will be done4
 ,instead of    the thorn would come up 
the fir-tree1 and instead    of the     
brier the myrtle-tree4 ,how precious1   
how    holy1 how peaceful1 that kingdom6
 ,oh6 if ,i may    yet hope2 if mercy is
 left1 ,i beseech ,thee1 hear and       
behold me1 and bring me out of the miry 
clay1 and    set my feet upon the rock4 
#eth ,mo4 #bfth1 #ahci4 ,a beautiful    
,first-day4    ,every thing sweet and   
lovely2 fulfilling the purpose    of its

 creation as far as man is not          
concerned4 ,birds    and insects formed 
for happiness1 are now completely       
happy4 ,but ah6 they were formed to give
 glory to    ,god1 by testifying to man 
,his goodness4 ,ten thousand    voices  
call upon me to employ the nobler       
talents intrusted for the same purpose4 
,nearly    sixteen years have ,i been   
warned1 and sweetly    called upon to   
awake out of sleep3 ,what meanest       
thou1 ,o sleeper8 arise1 and call upon  
thy ,god6    ,how shall ,i account1 in  
the last day1 for these    things8 ,it  
is often startling to think how time is 
advancing1 and how ill the day's work   
keeps pace    with the day4 ,for even   
now1 poor drowsy creature    that ,i am1
 it is but occasional sensibility1 with 
the    intervals buried in vain dreams2 
and even at such    times1 my poor      
warped affections1 and busy             
imaginations1    crowded with a         
multitude of images1 refuse to    yield 
to the command1 ,be still1 and know that

 ,i    am ,god4 ,i have1 indeed1 found  
that in whatever    circumstances ,i may
 he placed1 ,i can never be really      
happy without the religion of the heart2
 without    making the ,lord my         
habitation2 and oh1 may it be    mine1  
through ,christ's humbling and          
sanctifying    operations1 to know every
 corner of my heart made    fit for the 
dwelling-place of ,him who is with the  
meek and contrite ones4 ,then shall the 
remaining    days of my pilgrimage be   
occupied in the energetic    employment 
of those talents which must otherwise   
rise up for my condemnation in the last 
day4      #fth ,mo4 #b;d4 ,it is not for
 me to say any more    thus far will ,i 
go1 but no farther1 either in the       
narrow or the broad way4 ,in the former1
 we cannot    refuse to proceed without 
receding2 in the latter1 if    we will  
take any steps1 it is impossible to     
restrain    ourselves4 ,besetting sins1 
though apparently opposite    ones1 sad 
stumbling-blocks in the way of the      

cross1 are unrestrained activity of     
thought and    indolence3 the former    
proceeds from earthly-mindedness2    and
 the latter as a sure consequence from  
the want of heavenly-mindedness4 ,oh    
that by    keeping very close to ,jesus1
 my wandering heart    may receive the  
impression of ,his hand1 that the    new
 creation may indeed be witnessed1      
wherein    ,jerusalem is a rejoicing and
 her people a joy2    then may ,i find  
that quiet habitation which nothing     
ever gave me out of the fold of ,christ4
      #fth ,mo4 #ith4 ,alas6 how shall  
,i account for the    sixteen years     
which have1 this day1 completed    their
 course upon my head8 ,what shall ,i    
render    unto the ,lord for all his    
benefits8 ,shall ,i not1    from this   
time1 cry unto ,him1 ,my ,father1 thou  
art the guide of my youth8 ,but1 for the
 year that    is passed1 what can ,i    
say8 ,i will lay my hand on    my mouth 
and acknowledge that it has been        
squandered4    ,yes1 so far as it has   

not been employed about    my ,father's 
business4 ,but1 alas6 it has been       
crammed with selfishness2 though now and
 then    ,he1 whom ,i trust ,i yet      
desire to serve1 has made me    sensibly
 feel how precious is every small       
dedication    to ,himself4      #fth    
,mo4 #afth4 ,the consideration of the   
peculiar    doctrines of ,friends having
 been lately rather    forced on my     
attention1 let me record my increased   
conviction of the privilege of an       
education within    the borders of the  
,society2 of the great value and        
importance of its spiritual profession1 
and the awful    responsibility of its  
members to walk so as to adorn    its   
doctrines1 and shine as lights in the   
world4    ,warmly as she was attached to
 these principles1 she ever rejoiced in 
the conviction that all the followers of
 ,christ are one in ,him1 and  that1 by 
whatever name designated1 those who have
 attained to the  closest communion with
 ,him are the nearest to one another2   

and when  differences in sentiment were 
the topic of conversation1 she would    
sometimes rejoin in an earnest tone1 the
 commandment is exceeding  broad4       
#b;d ,mo4 #b;d1 #ahdj4 ,time passes on1 
and what progress    do ,i make1 either 
in usefulness in the earth1    or       
preparation for heaven8 ,self-indulgence
 is the    bane of godliness1 and is1   
alas6 mine4' ,this world's    goods are 
snares1 and are1 alas6 snares to me4    
,coward that my heart is1 when pride is 
piqued1 ,i    have not resolution to    
conquer my own spirit4    ,pride1       
indolence1 and worldly-mindedness are   
bringing    me into closer and closer   
bondage3 the first    keeps me from true
 worship by preventing me from          
seeking the help and teaching of the one
 ,spirit2    the second1 by making me   
yield without effort or    resistance to
 the uncontrolled imaginations which    
the third presents4 ,and now do these   
lines witness    that1 having been      
called to an everlasting salvation1     

,god1 the chief good1 having manifested 
,his name    unto the least of ,his     
little ones1 my soul and body    are for
 ,him1 belong to ,him1 to be moulded and
    fashioned according to ,his will2   
and that if ,i    frustrate ,his        
purpose1 ,his glorious holiness and     
free grace are unsullied and            
everlastingly worthy4      #gth ,mo4    
#abth4 ,if ,i acknowledge my own state1 
it is one cumbered with many things4    
,alas6    amid them how little space is 
there for the love of    ,god6 ,i have  
remembered the days when untold    and  
inexpressible experiences were mine2    
when a    child's tears and prayers were
 seen and heard before    the throne6   
,the stragglings of grace and nature    
have been great since then4 ,i can look 
back to    years of struggles and       
deliverances1 years of revoltings    and
 of mercies4 ,it is like threshing      
mountains    to meddle with the         
strongholds of sin2 but    mountains1 ,i
 sometimes hope1 will be made to skip   

like rams4      #ajth ,mo4 #eth4 ,how   
long have ,i been like the              
merchantman seeking goodly pearls6 ,ever
 since    reason dawned ,i have longed  
for a goodly pearl2    though dazzled   
and deceived by many an empty    trifle1
 ,i cannot plead as an excuse that ,i   
could not    find the pearl4 ,i have    
seen it at times1 and felt how    untold
 was the price1 and thought ,i was ready
 to    sell all and buy it1 sometimes   
believed that all was    sold2 but why1 
ah1 why was my pledge so often          
redeemed8 ,i have been indeed like a    
simple one1    who1 having found a pearl
 of great price1 cast it    from him for
 an empty1 unsatisfying show4      #ast 
,mo4 #agth1 #ahda4 ,very precious as    
have been    the privileges vouchsafed  
the last two days1 ,i can    this       
morning speak of nothing as my present  
condition1    but the extreme of        
weakness and poverty4 ,on    #fth day   
evening ,r4,b4 addressed us in such a   
way    as proved to me that the ,divine 

word is a discerner    of the thoughts  
and intents of the heart4 ,the    chief 
purport was the necessity of a          
willingness to    learn daily of the    
great ,teacher meekness and    lowliness
 and faithfulness in the occupation of  
the    talents intrusted2 for where much
 is given1 much    will be required4    
,yesterday his parting salutation    of 
brotherly love was such as cannot be    
effaced    from my memory2 and oh1 ,i   
pray that it may not    from my heart4  
,and now my prayer1 my desire1    must  
be for a renewed dedication4 ,the       
separation1    as ,r4,b4 said1 from the 
right hand and the right eye    must be 
made3 the sacrifice which is acceptable 
will    always cost something4      #c;d
 ,mo4 #hth4 ,oh1 may ,i become          
altogether a babe    and a fool before  
myself1 and1 if it must be1 before      
others6 ,god has been very graciously   
dealing with    me4      #c;d ,mo4      
#aith4 ,words must be much more         
guarded1 as well as thoughts4 ,this     

morning ,i am    comforted with a       
precious feeling3 ,i will take care     
of thee4      #c;d ,mo4 #bgth4 ,how does
 my heart long1 this    evening1 that   
the one ,saviour may be made unto    me 
wisdom and righteousness1 sanctification
 and    redemption6 ,teach me to keep   
silence1 ,o ,god6    to mind my own     
business and be faithful to it2 to      
deny my own will and wisdom2 give me the
 spirit    of true ,christian love1 that
 my whole life may be in    the         
atmosphere of love6      #c;d ,mo4      
#bhth4 99 99 99 ,to cease from my own   
works1 surely in a very small degree1 ,i
 can experimentally    say1 this is the 
only true rest4 ,this    blessed        
experience seems to me the height of    
enjoyment    to the truly redeemed4 ,oh1
 a little foretaste    of this sabbath  
has been granted1 when ,i have    seemed
 to behold with my own eye1 and to feel 
for    myself in moments too precious to
 be forgotten1 the    waves of tumult   
hushed into a1 more than earthly    calm

 by ,him who alone can say1 ,peace1 be  
still4    ,my tossing spirit has never  
found such a calm in    any thing this  
world can give4    ,during her first    
attendance of the ,yearly ,meeting in   
,london1 in #ahda1  she wrote the       
following affectionate lines in a letter
 to her sisters  at home3--             
,,london ,,thoughts4        ,the crowds 
that past me ceaseless rush      ,stay  
not to glance at me1    ,as falling     
waters headlong gush      ,into their   
native sea4      ,but hearts there are  
that brightly burn1      ,and light each
 kindling eye1    ,and home to them my  
thoughts return1      ,swift as the     
sunbeams fly4             99       99   
99       99       99      ,to home1 to  
home my spirit hastes2      ,for why8 my
 treasure's there2    ',tis there her   
native joys she tastes1      ,and       
breathes her native air4      ,oh1      
sweetest of all precious things1        
,when this wide world we roam1    ,when 
meets us on its balmy wings      ,a     

messenger from home6      ,from home1   
where hearts are warm and true1         
,and love's lamp brightly burns1    ,and
 sparkles ,hermon's pearly dew      ,on 
childhood's crystal urns4      ,oh1     
sweet to mark the speaking lines        
,traced by a sister's hand1    ,and feel
 the love that firmly twines            
,around our household band6    ,to one  
of her sisters3--      ,,london1 #fth   
,month1 #ahda4      99 99 99 99 ,i lay  
still half hour1 and read over    thy   
tenderly interesting and affecting      
sheet1 and poured    out my full heart2 
but what can ,i say8 ,how ,i do long    
to be with you1 and see1 if it might be1
 once more1 our    beloved uncle6 ,but  
perhaps before this the conflict may    
be over1 the victory won1 the           
everlasting city gained1    none of     
whose inhabitants can say1 ,i am sick4  
,and    if so1 dare we murmur or wish to
 recall the loved one    from that home8
 ,oh for that childlike and humble      
submission which is befitting the       

children of a ,father    of mercies1 and
 the followers of ,him who can and will 
do all things well6    ,after the       
,yearly ,meeting1 she thus writes in her
 ,journal3--      #fth ,mo4 #abth4 ,many
 and great have been the    favors      
dispensed within the last five weeks4   
,the    attendance of the ,yearly       
,meeting has been the    occasion of    
many and solemn warnings and advices1   
and1 ,i trust1 the reception of some    
real instruction4    ,but1 truly1 ,i    
have found that in every situation1 the 
great enemy can lay his snares2 and if  
one more    than another has taken with 
me1 it has been to lead    me to look   
outward for teaching1 and to depend too 
much upon it1 neglecting that one inward
 adoration    for the want of which no  
outward ministry can atone4    ,but ,i  
hope the enemy has not gained more than 
limited advantages of this kind1 and    
perhaps even    the discovery of these  
has had the effect of making    me more 
distrustful of self4 ,and1 now1 oh that 

the    everlasting covenant might be    
ordered in all things    and sure1 and  
,he only1 who is ,king of ,kings and    
,lord of ,lords1 be exalted over all1 in
 my heart2 and    the blessed experience
 thus described1 be more fully          
realized3 ,he that hath entered into his
 rest hath    ceased from his own works 
as ,god did from his4      #fth ,mo4    
#bast4 ,very early this morning the long
    struggle with death terminated1 and 
the spirit of our    beloved ,uncle ,e4 
was released from its worn tenement4    
,the stony nature in my heart seems     
truly    wounded4 ,may it not be as the 
wounded air1 soon    to lose the trace4 
,my heavenly ,father's tender    regard 
,i have1 indeed1 felt this evening2 but 
,i tremble    for the evil that remains 
in me4 ,may ,i be blessed    with the   
continued care of the good ,shepherd1   
that    ,i may be preserved as by the   
crook of ,his love4    ,and now1 seeing 
that much is forgiven me1 may ,i    love
 much4 ,i feel that my ,saviour's regard

 is of    far more value than any       
earthly thing2 and oh    that my eye may
 be kept singly waiting for ,him6       
,the decease of her uncle was soon      
followed by that of his youngest  son1  
,joseph ,e4 ,in reference to his death1 
she remarks3--      #gth ,mo4 #bb;d4    
,he1 in whose sight the death of    ,his
 saints is precious1 has again visited  
with the    solemn call our family      
circle1 and summoned away    the        
sweetest1 purest1 and most heavenly of  
the group4    ,our dear cousin ,joseph  
last night entered that    rest which   
remains for the people of ,god2 rest    
for which he had been panting the whole 
of the day1    and to which he was      
enabled to look forward as his    happy 
home4      #gth ,mo4 #bhth4 ,yesterday  
was one long to be remembered4    ,the  
last sad offices were paid to him       
whom we so much loved2 and oh that the  
mantle    of the watchful1 lowly        
disciple might descend abundantly       
upon us6 ,yet it is only by keeping near

 to    the divine power1 that ,i can    
receive any thing good2    and1 though  
yet far away1 oh1 may ,i look towards   
,his    holy habitation who is          
graciously offering me a home    where  
there is bread enough and to spare4     
#dth ,mo4 #c;d1 #ahdb4 ,he who has been 
for years    striving with me1 has      
lately1 ,i think ,i may say1 manifested 
to me the light of ,his countenance1 and
    enabled me at seasons to commit the 
toiling1 roving    mind into ,his hand4 
,this morning1 however1 ,i feel    as if
 ,i could find no safe centre4 ,oh that 
,i were    gathered out of the false    
rest1 and from all false    dependence1 
to ,god ,himself1 the only true helper1 
and leader1 and guide6 ,how precious to 
recognize1    in the light that dawned  
yesterday and the day before1    the    
same glory1 and power1 and beauty1 which
    were once my chief joy6 ,but oh1 ,i 
desire not to be    satisfied with      
attaining again to former experience2   
but to give all diligence in pressing   

forward to the    mark for the prize1   
even forgetting things that are         
behind4      #ajth ,mo4 ,mercies and    
favors of which ,i am totally           
unworthy have been graciously bestowed  
this morning1    and1 may ,i hope1 a    
small capacity granted to    enter into 
the sanctuary and pray4 ,this week ,i   
have been unwatchful1--too much         
cumbered2 yet1    oh1 ,i hope and trust1
 at times1 my chains are breaking1      
and though ,i must believe the          
bitterness will    come in time1 the    
gospel of salvation is beginning    to  
be tasted in its sweetness1             
completeness1 and joy4      #ast ,mo4   
#ahdc4 ,i desire that the privilege of  
this    day attending the ,quarterly    
,meeting at ,plymouth1    may be long   
held in grateful remembrance2 that the  
language1 ,i have heard of ,thee by the 
hearing of    the ear1 but now mine eye 
seeth ,thee2 wherefore ,i    abhor      
myself1 and repent in dust and ashes1   
may    be my increasing experience4     

,conscious that the    state of my      
heart1 long wavering between two        
opinions1    has of late been fearfully 
in danger of fixing    to the wrong one 
of these1 ,i would ask of ,him who      
seeth in secret1 and who is1 ,i trust1  
at this very moment    renewing a       
measure of the contrition1 which1       
amid all my desires for it1 did but     
gleam upon me    this morning1 to do in 
me a thorough work1 to remain           
henceforth and ever4      #b;d ,mo4     
#abth4 ,about four weeks since1 we had  
a precious visit from ,b4,s41 and it has
 been a sacrifice    to me to make no   
record of his striking communications2  
but ,i have been fearful1 lest in any   
measure    the weight and freshness of  
these things should    vanish in words2 
and ,i have never felt at liberty to    
do so4    ,in this year1 she wrote but  
little in her ,journal1 and it appears  
to have been a time of spiritual        
proving2 yet one in which she           
experienced that it was good for her to 

trust in the name of the  ,lord1 and to 
stay herself upon her ,god4      #fth   
,mo4 #afth1 #ahdd4 ,one week ago was the
    twenty-first anniversary of my      
birthday4 ,in some    sense1 ,i can     
say1--      ,the past is bright1 like   
those dear hills1      ,so far behind my
 bark2    ,the future1 like the         
gathering night1      ,is ominous and   
dark4      ,one gaze again--one long1   
last gaze2      ,childhood1 adieu to    
thee2    ,the breeze hath hurried me    
away1      ,on a dark1 stormy sea4      
,deeply and more deeply1 day by day1    
does my understanding    find the       
deceitfulness of my heart4 ,well    do  
,i remember the feelings of             
determination1 with    which ,i         
resolved1 two years since1 that this    
period    should not find me halting    
between two opinions1--that    ere this 
day ,i would be a ,christian indeed4    
,and looking back upon my alternating   
feelings1 ever    since reason was mine1
 upon the innumerable resolutions    to 

do good1 which have been as staves of   
reed1    ,i must want common perception 
not to assent to the    truth1 that the 
heart is deceitful above all things1    
and desperately wicked3 who can know it8
 ,but1    oh1 it is not this only1 which
 my intellectual conscience    is       
burdened with3 when ,i look at the      
visitations    of divine grace which    
have been my unmerited1    unasked-for1 
privilege1 through which ,i can but feel
    that in days past1 a standing was   
placed in my power    to attain1 which1 
probably1 now ,i shall never approach1  
the question does present with an awful 
importance1    ,how much owest thou unto
 thy ,lord8    ,seeing we know not1 nor 
can know1 the value of an    offer of   
salvation1 till salvation is finally    
lost or won2    seeing that such an     
offer is purchased only by the          
shedding of a ,saviour's blood1 how     
incomprehensibly    heavy1 yet how true1
 the charge1 ,ye have crucified    to   
yourselves the son of ,god afresh4 ,i   

know well    that of many now pardoned1 
for sins far deeper in    the eyes of   
men than any ,i have committed1 it might
    be said that little is forgiven them
 in comparison of    the load of debt   
that hangs over my head2 and ,i    have 
sometimes thought1 that the comparison  
of    debtors was selected by the       
,saviour1 purposely to    show that     
guilt in the sight of ,god is chiefly   
incurred    by the neglect of ,his own  
spiritual gifts1 not    in proportion   
merely to the abstract morality of man's
    conduct4 ,it is certainly what we   
have received    that will be required  
at our hands3 and oh1 in the    sight of
 the ,judge of all the earth1 how much  
do ,i    owe unto my ,lord6 ,this day1  
though ,i was not in    darkness about  
it1 seems almost to have overtaken me   
unawares4 ,i was not ready for it1      
though ,i knew so    well when it would 
come2 and1 oh1 for that day which    ,i 
know not how near it may be1 when the   
account    is to be finally made        

up--how1 how shall ,i prepare8    ,with 
all the blessings1 and invitations1 and 
helps1    which the good ,god has given 
me1 ,i am deeply1    deeply involved4   
,how1 then1 can ,i dream of clearing    
off these debts1 when there can be no   
doubt that    ,i shall daily incur more8
 ,alas1 ,i am too much disposed    to   
keep a meum and tuum with heaven itself 
in more senses than one4 99 99 99 ,as to
 setting out    anew on a carte blanche1
 ,i cannot4 ,there lies the             
deeply-stained record against me3 ,i    
called1 and1    oh1 how deep the        
meaning1 ,ye did not answer4    ,yes1 my
 heart did3 but to answer1 ,i go1 sir1  
does    but add to the condemnation that
 ,i went not4      #fth ,mo4 #bc;d4     
,this morning1 ,i believe1 the spirit   
was1 in measure1 willing1 though the    
flesh was    weak4 ,i have thought of   
the lines--        ,when first thou     
didst thy all commit      ,to ,him upon 
the mercy-seat1      ,he gave thee      
warrant from that hour      ,to trust   

his wisdom1 love1 and power4      ,my   
desire is to know that my all is        
committed1 and    then1 ,i do believe1  
,he will be known to be faithful    that
 hath promised4 ,the care of our        
salvation is    not ours2 our weak      
understandings cannot even    fathom the
 means whereby it is effected2 but this 
we do know1 that it indispensably       
requires to be    wrought out with fear 
and trembling4 ,the ,saviour    will be 
ours1 only on condition of our being    
his4 ,religion must not be an           
acquirement1 but a    transformation2   
and surely that spirit1 which could     
not make itself1 and which1 when made by
 ,god1 has    but degraded itself1 is   
unable to create itself anew    in      
,christ ,jesus unto good works4 ,no1    
fear and    trembling are the only part1
 and that but negative1    which the    
spirit of man can have in working out   
its    own salvation2 but when led by   
the good spirit into    this true fear1 
when given to wait1 and held waiting    

at the feet of ,jesus1 it is made able1 
gradually1 to receive    the essential  
gospel of salvation2 and so long    only
 is it in the way of salvation as it is 
sensible    of its constant dependence  
on the one ,saviour of    men4      ,may
 ,friends1 above all1 while distinctly  
maintaining    the doctrine of the      
influence of the ,spirit on    the      
heart1 be deeply and personally sensible
 that    there is but one ,saviour1 even
 ,jesus ,christ1 who    came into the   
world to save sinners1 of whom1 as we   
are led to true repentance1 ,i believe  
each one will be    ready to think ,i am
 chief4 ,the distinguishing    practices
 of ,friends1 as to dress1 language1    
etc4 are    in no manner valuable1 but  
when they spring from    the root of    
essential ,christianity4 ,this is       
certainly    the great thing4 ,cleanse  
first the inside of the cup    and      
platter4      ,i have been grieved to   
fear that some would resolve    the vast
 meaning of a religious life and        

conversation    consistent with our     
,christian profession into    little    
more than plainness of speech1 behavior1
    and apparel3 then ,i do think it    
becomes a mere idol4    ,the tithe of   
mint1 anise1 and cummin is preferred    
to the weightier matters of the law4    
,but ,i am going    from the point of my
 own condition in the warmth    of my   
feelings1 which have been deeply        
troubled at    these things of late4    
#aath ,mo4 #ahth4 ,i believe it is one  
and the same    fallen nature which1 at 
one time1 is holding me captive    to   
the world2 at another1 filling me with  
impatience    and anxiety about my      
spiritual progress2 at    another1 with 
self-confidence1 and at another1 with   
despondency4 ,oh1 the enemy knows my    
many weak    sides2 but ,i do hope and  
trust the ,lord will take    care of me4
 ,past1 present1 future1 calmly leave to
    ,him who will do all things well4   
,if the root be    but kept living and  
growing1 then ,i need not be    anxious 

about the branches2 but1 above all1 the 
root    must be the husbandman's        
exclusive care4      #aath ,mo4 #cjth4  
,i believe ,i sincerely desire that     
no spurious self-satisfaction may be    
mistaken for the    peace of ,god1 that 
no activity in works of                 
self-righteousness    may be mistaken   
for doing the day's work    in the day4 
,oh1 who can tell the snares that       
surround    me8 ,yet ,i have been       
comforted this morning1    in thinking  
of the declaration1 ,his mercies are    
over-all    his works2 which ,i believe 
may be very especially    applied to the
 work of ,his ,spirit in the soul of    
man4    ,over this ,he does watch1 and  
to this ,he does dispense1    day by    
day1 ,his merciful protection from      
surrounding    dangers2 ,i the ,lord do 
keep it1 ,i will    water it every      
moment2 lest any hurt it1 ,i will keep  
it night and day4 ,oh1 the blessedness  
of a well-founded1    watchful1 humble  
trust in this keeping6      #abth ,mo4  

#bgth4 ,the mean self-indulgence of     
sleeping    late has come over me again1
 though ,i found1 a    week or two      
since1 after a firm resolve1 the        
difficulty    vanish4 ,this morning ,i  
had no time for retirement    before    
breakfast2 and1 should circumstances    
ever become    less under my control1   
this habit may prevent    my having any 
morning oblation4 ,the weakness and     
sinfulness of my heart have been making 
me almost    tremble at the thought of  
another year3 how shall ,i    meet its  
thousand dangers and not fall8 ,in      
religious    communications in our      
house1 ,i am apt to look for    any     
intimation that ,i could appropriate of 
a shortened    pilgrimage2 but very     
little of the sort has occurred3        
indeed1 ,i expect my selfish wish will  
not be gratified1    of escaping early  
from this toilsome world2 but how       
rash and ungrateful are such thoughts6  
how much    better all these things are 
in my ,father's hands6 ,oh1    if ,i may

 be there too in the form of passive    
clay1    and receive all ,his tutoring  
and refining1 this will be    enough3   
and should my future way be full of     
sorrows1    heaven will bring me sweeter
 rest at last2 when the    whole work is
 done1 when the robes are quite washed1 
when the fight is quite fought1 and the 
death died2    when the eternal life1   
which shall blossom above1 is    brought
 into actual health here1 and real      
fellowship    is made with my last hour4
      #ast ,mo4 #ajth1 #ahde4 ,i am     
inclined to set down    the events of my
 little world for the past week2 that   
in days to come1 should it prove that ,i
 have been    following cunningly       
devised fables1 ,i may beware    of such
 entanglements again2 and that if they  
be    found a guidance from above1 their
 contemptibleness    and seeming folly  
may be shown to be in wisdom4 ,i        
have1 from my childhood1 delighted in   
poetry3 if    lonely1 it was my         
companion2 if sad1 my comfort2    if    

glad1 it gave a voice to my joy4 ,of    
late1 ,i have    enjoyed writing pieces 
of a religious nature1 though    ,i must
 confess the excitement1 the possession 
which    the act of composition made of 
my mind1 did not    always favor the    
experience of what ,i sought to express4
    ,two pieces of this kind ,i asked my
 father to    send to the ,friend3 he   
liked them1 but proposed my    adding   
something to one4 ,i had had a sweet    
little    season by myself just before3 
then1 sliding from feeling    to        
composition1 ,i thought of it all the   
rest of the    evening1 and when ,i went
 to bed1 stayed some time    writing    
four lines for the conclusion2 after ,i 
was in    bed1 my heart was full of it1 
and ,i composed four    lines more to   
precede them1 with which ,i fell asleep4
    ,in the morning ,i resolved not to  
think of them till    ,i had had my     
silent devotions2 they came upon me     
while ,i was dressing1 and1 having      
forgotten one line1    ,i stayed long   

making a substitute3 then ,i retired to 
read1 and1 if possible1 to pray1 but it 
was not possible    in that condition3  
,i did but sit squaring and polishing   
my lines2 and having finished them to my
 heart's    content1 ,i gave them to my 
father about the middle    of the day1  
conscious1 ,i could not but be1 that    
they    had passed as a cloud between   
the mental eye of    faith and things   
unseen4 ,every time they passed         
through my mind1 they seemed to sound my
 condemnation4    ,my evening retirement
 was dark and    sad2 ,i felt as if any 
thing but this ,i could give up    for  
my ,saviour's love2 all things are      
lawful1 but all    things are not       
expedient2 and yet the taste and the    
power were given me1 with all things    
else1 by ,god4    ,i had used them too  
in a right cause1 but then the    talent
 of grace is far better4 ,which should  
be sacrificed8    ,why sacrifice either8
 ,i could not deny that    it seemed    
impossible to keep both4 ,but it might  

be    made useful1 if well employed4 ,to
 obey is better    than sacrifice4 ,now 
they are written1 they might    just as 
well be printed2 but the printing will  
probably    be the most hazardous part4 
,i shall be sure to write    more1 and  
nourish vanity3 or else the sight of    
them    will cause remorse rather than  
pleasure4 ,if ,i should    lose my soul 
through poetry8 ,for the life of self   
seems bound up in it2 and whosoever     
loveth his    life shall lose it4 ,but  
perhaps it would be a needless    piece 
of austerity2 it would be a great       
struggle2    it would be like binding   
myself for the future1 not    to enjoy  
my treasured pleasure4 ,the sacrifice   
which    is acceptable will always cost 
something4 ,so ,i prevailed    upon     
myself to write a note1 and lay it      
before    my father1 asking him not to  
send them1 trembling    lest he should  
dislike my changeableness1 or ,i should 
change again and repent it4 ,my father  
said nothing1    but gave me back the   

lines when we were all together1        
which was a mountain got over4 ,i       
thought to have    had more peace after2
 but till this ,first-day ,i have       
been very desolate1 though1 ,i believe1 
daily desiring    to seek my ,god above 
all2 and thinking1 sometimes1    that   
that for which ,i had made a sacrifice  
became    thereby dearer4    ,after this
 striking and instructive account1 which
 shows how zealously  she endeavored to 
guard against any too absorbing         
influence1 however  good and allowable  
in itself the thing might be1 it seems  
not amiss to  remark that ,eliza's taste
 for poetry was keen and discriminating2
 and  that her love of external nature1 
and more especially her deeper and      
holier feelings1 found appropriate      
expression in verse4 ,if some of  these 
effusions show a want of careful finish1
 it must be remembered  that they were  
not written for publication1 but for the
 sake of  embodying the feeling of the  
occasion1 in that form which naturally  

presented itself4    ,the pieces alluded
 to in the foregoing extracts are the   
following3--      ,,what ,i ,,do ,,thou 
,,knowest ,,not ,,now4        ,hast thou
 long thy ,lord's abiding      ,vainly  
sought 'mid shadows dim8    ,lo6 ,his   
purpose wisely hiding1      ,thee ,he   
seeks to worship him4      ,shades of   
night1 thy strain'd eye scorning1       
,have they2 long enwrapp'd the skies8   
,he1 whose word commands the morning1   
,soon shall bid the day-spring rise6    
,are ten thousand fears desiring        
,to engulf their helpless prey8    ,one 
faint hope1 his grace inspiring1        
,is a mightier thing than they4         
,has the foe his dark dominion1      ,as
 upon thy ,saviour1 tried8--    ,as to  
,him with hastening pinion1      ,lo6   
the angels at thy side4      ,is thy    
spirit all unfeeling1      ,save to sin 
that grieves thee there8    ,thee ,he'll
 make1 his face revealing1      ,joyful 
in ,his house of prayer6      ,hast thou
 seen thy building falter      ,can thy 

,god thy griefs despise8    ',mid the   
ruins dark1 an altar      ,fashion'd by 
,his hands1 shall rise4      ,thee1 to  
some lone mountain sending1      ,only  
with the wood supplied2    ,he1 thy     
,god1 thy worship tending1      ,will   
,himself a lamb provide4      ,has ,he  
made it vain thy toiling      ,fine-spun
 raiment to prepare8    ',twas to       
give--thy labors spoiling--      ,better
 robes than monarchs wear4      ,from   
thy barn and storehouse treasure        
,did ,he take thy hoarded pelf8    ,yes3
 to feed thee was ,his pleasure1        
,like the winged fowls--,himself4       
99       99       99       99       99  
,,what ,,profit ,,hath ,a ,,man ,,of    
,,all ,,his ,,labor    ,,that ,,he      
,,taketh ,,under ,,the ,,sun8           
,must we forever train the vineyard     
sproutings1      ,and plough in hope of 
harvests yet to come1    ,nor ever join 
the gladsome vintage shoutings1         
,and sing the happy song of             
harvest-home8      ,must we forever the 

rough stones be heaping1      ,and      
building temple walls for evermore8     
,comes there no blessed day for         
,sabbath-keeping1      ,no time within  
the temple to adore8      ,in faith's   
long contest have life's quenchless     
fountains      ,bade calm defiance to   
the hostile sword8    ,but when1 all    
beautiful upon the mountains1           
,shall come the herald of our peace     
restored8      ,must we forever urge the
 brain with learning1      ,and add to  
moral1 intellectual woes8    ,nor hold  
in peace the spoils we have been        
earning1      ,and find in wisdom's self
 the mind's repose8      ,long have we  
watch'd1 and risen late and early1      
,rising to toil1 and watching but to    
weep2    ,when will the blessing come   
like dewdrops pearly1      ,on heaven's 
beloved ones even while they sleep8     
,since life began1 our life has been    
beginning1      ,that ever-nascent      
future's treacherous vow2    ,when shall
 we find1 the weary contest winning     

,a present treasure1 an enduring now8   
,ten thousand nameless earthly aims     
pursuing1      ,hope we in vain the     
recompense to see1    ,and must our     
total life expire in doing1      ,and   
never find us leisure time to be8       
,has not our life a germ of real        
perfection1      ,as holds the tiny seed
 the forest's pride8    ,and shall its  
ask'd and promised resurrection      ,in
 dreams of disappointed hope subside8   
,yes1 all is hopeless1 man with vain    
endeavor1      ,may climb earth's rugged
 heights1 but climb to fall2    ,ever   
perfecting1 yet imperfect ever1         
,earth has no rest for man--if earth be 
all4      ,yet oft there dwell1 in      
temples frail and mortal1      ,souls   
that partake immortal life the while2   
,nor wait till death unbar heaven's     
pearly portal1      ,for heaven's own   
essence1 their ,redeemer's smile4       
--#abth ,month1 #ahdd4           99     
99       99       99       99      ,from
 the ,journal relating to daily affairs1

 at this time1 kept  distinct from her  
spiritual diary1 the following1 and a   
few other  extracts1 have been taken4   
,never suspecting that this would see   
the  light1 she left it in an unfinished
 state4 ,had it been reconsidered1      
portions of it would probably have been 
altered2 but it sufficiently  shows her 
desire to understand the agencies of    
intellectual action1  and the philosophy
 of knowing and acquiring4 ,she         
recognizes the  importance of systematic
 knowledge1 questions the purpose and   
use  of every attainment1 and manifests 
throughout a desire that all  the       
operations of the intelligence may      
subserve a nobler aim than  knowledge in
 itself possesses3--      #eth ,mo4     
#afth4 ,that life is a real1 earnest    
thing1    and to be employed for our own
 and others' real and    earnest good1  
is a fact which ,i desire may be more   
deeply engraven on my heart4 ,it is     
certainly a    matter of spiritual duty1
 to look well to the outward    state of

 our own house4 ,there are already many 
revolutions in my mental history1 passed
 beyond the    reach of any thing but   
regrets4 ,as a child1 play    was not my
 chief pleasure1 but a sort of mingled  
play and constructiveness2 then reading 
and learning2    ,i well remember the   
coming on of the desire    to know4 ,in 
a tale1 false or true1 ,i had by no     
means1 the common share of              
pleasure--,smith's ,key    to ,reading  
was more to my taste4 ,poetry ,i have   
ever loved4 ,history ,i am very dull at2
 a chain of    events is far more       
difficult to follow1 than a chain of    
ideas--causality comes more to my aid   
than eventuality4    ,well1 the age of  
learning came3 in it ,i    learned this1
 that1 and the other2 but1 alas6 order1 
the faculty in which ,i am so deficient1
 was wanting1    ,i had not an appointed
 place for each fact or idea3    so they
 were lost as they fell into the        
confused mass4    ,i am full of dim     
apprehensions on almost all subjects1   

but know little of any4 ,however1 it may
 be    that this favors new combinations
 of things4 ,i    would rather have all 
my ideas in a mass1 than have    them in
 separate locked boxes1 where they must 
each    remain isolated2 but it were    
better they were on    open shelves1 and
 that ,i had power to take them    down1
 and combine at will4 ,the age of       
combining    has come2 ,i feel sensibly 
the diminution of the    power of       
acquiring3 ,i can do little in that1 but
    lament that ,i have acquired so     
little2 but ,i seem    rebuked in myself
 at the incessant wish to gain--gain    
for what8 ,i must do something with     
what1 ,i    gain2 for1 as ,i said       
before1 ,i have nowhere to put it       
away4 ,i love languages1--above all1 the
 expressive    ,german2 but ,i know too 
little to make it expressive    for     
myself4 ,but my own mother-tongue1      
though    my tongue is so deficient to  
use thee1 canst thou    afford no other 
outlet to the struggling ideas that are 

within2 may ,i not write8 ,i did write  
poetry sometimes3    is it presumptuous 
to call it poetry8 ,it was    certainly 
the poetry of my heart2 the pieces      
entitled    ,the ,complaint1 and ,what  
profit hath a man1    etc4 were         
certainly poetry to me4 ,but the fate of
    my poetry is written before4        
,perhaps it was a    groundless fear2   
but still it has given it the           
death-blow4    ,but may ,i write prose8 
,i will tell that by-and-by4    ,this   
has brought down my history in this     
respect till now3--          ,the       
constructive playing age1        ,the   
learning age1        ,the combining age1
      ,so far the intellect4      99 99 
99 ,i am conscientious naturally1 rather
    than adhesive or benevolent4 ,this  
natural conscientiousness1              
independent of spirituals1 has been like
    a goad in my side all my life1 and  
its demands1 ,i    think1 heighten4 ,it 
is evidently independent of religion1   
because it is independent of the love of

 ,god    and of man4 ,for instance1 ,i  
form to myself an    idea of my         
reasonable amount of service in visiting
    the poor4 ,have ,i fallen short of  
this amount1 ,i am    uneasy1 and feel  
myself burdened2 the thing is before    
me1 ,i must do it3 why8 ,because ,i feel
 the    love of ,god constraining me8   
,sometimes far otherwise4    ,because ,i
 feel benevolence towards the poor8     
,no2 for the thing itself is a task2 but
 because it is    my duty2 because ,i   
would justify myself2 because    ,i     
would lighten my conscience4 ,i have    
called this    feeling independent of   
religion2 but perhaps it is    most     
intense when religion is faintest4 ,this
 latter    supplies1 evidently1 the only
 true motive for benevolent    actions4 
,then they are a pleasure3 then the     
divergence of the impulse of duty from  
the impulse    of inclination is done   
away2 and ,i believe the love of    ,god
 is the only thing1 which1 thus         
redeeming those    that were under the  

law1 can place them under the law    of 
,christ4 ,though it is little ,i can do 
for the poor1    ,i ought to feel it    
both a duty and a pleasure to devote    
some time to them most days4 ,to see the
 aged1    whose poverty we have         
witnessed1 whose declining    days we   
have tried to soothe1 safely gathered   
home1    is a comfort and pleasure ,i   
would not forego2 and1    though the    
real benefit we render to them must     
depend    on our own spiritual state1   
their cottages have    often been to me 
places of deep instruction4      ,the   
useful desire to learn1 may be carried  
too far2    we may sacrifice the duties 
we owe to each other1 by    an eagerness
 of this kind2 nor1 ,i believe1 can we1 
without culpable negligence1 adhere     
tenaciously to    any plan of study4    
,the moral self-training which    is    
exercised by giving up a book1 to       
converse with    or help another1 is of 
more value than the knowledge    which  
could have been acquired from it4       

,indeed1    ,i am convinced we are often
 in error about    interruptions4 ,we   
have been interrupted2 in what8--in     
the fulfilment of our duty8 ,that cannot
 be2    but in the prosecution of our   
favorite plan4 ,if the    interruption  
was beyond our control1 it altered our  
duty1 but could not interrupt it4 ,duty 
is the right    course at a given time1 
and under given circumstances4      ,a  
subject1 which has of late been very    
interesting    to me1 is that of the    
,jews4 ,i am convinced that    much1    
very much1 is to be done for them by    
,christians1    and for ,christians by  
them2 but ,i think the    interest      
excited in their behalf1 in the world at
 large1    is1 in many cases1 not       
according to knowledge4 ,an             
historical view of their points of      
contact with the    professing          
,christian world1 has long been on my   
mind2 and ,i think it needs to be drawn 
by an independent    hand1--in short1 by
 a ,friend4 ,that ,he    that scattered 

,israel will gather him1 and feed him   
as a shepherd doth his flock1 is        
confessed now on    all sides4 ,the     
when1 the where1 and the how1 are       
variously viewed4 ,but what will ,he    
gather them    to8 is a question not    
enough thought of4 ,one    wishes them  
to be gathered to the ,church of        
,england1    another to the ,church of  
,scotland2 but ,i am    persuaded their 
gathering must be to the primitive      
,christian faith4 ,i say not to         
,friends2 although ,i    hold the       
principles of ,friends to be the        
principles    of primitive              
,christianity4 ,for ,i do think a vast  
distinction is to be made between the   
principles of    truth professed by     
,friends1 and the particular line    of 
action1 as a body1 into which they have 
been led1    7,i doubt not by the       
truth17 under the circumstances    in   
which they were placed4 ,my belief is1  
that the    ,jews are to be gathered to 
none but a ,church built    on the      

foundation of the apostles and prophets1
 of    which ,jesus ,christ himself is  
the chief corner-stone2    and that to  
such a ,church they are to be           
gathered immediately and instrumentally1
 by the    ,spirit of ,god himself4 ,a  
view of the manner in    which they have
 been regarded and treated by professing
    ,christians from the ,christian era 
to the    present time1 and of their own
 feelings towards    ,christians and    
,christianity1 if well drawn1 would be  
valuable and useful4    ,this interest  
in the ,jews led ,eliza to devote much1 
labor1 during  several years1 in        
collecting information relating to their
 history  since the ,christian era4 ,had
 her life been spared1 she would        
probably  have made some defined use of 
the large mass of material collected1   
which1 whilst valuable as an evidence of
 deep research1 is not  sufficiently    
digested to be generally useful4        
#gth ,mo4 #c;d4 ,this evening ,i have   
finished copying    the foregoing       

scraps1 previously on sheets1 into this 
book1 that they may yet speak to me1 in 
days to come1    of ,his manifold       
mercies1 whose candle has ofttimes      
shone round about me1 and whose favor   
has made    me glad4      #gth ,mo4     
#eth4 ,i desire gratefully to           
acknowledge    the privilege of which we
 have this week partaken1    in the     
occurrence of our ,quarterly ,meeting1  
and a    most sweet visit from ----2    
full of love is ---- to    his ,master1 
and full of love to the brethren1    and
 even to the little sisters in ,christ4 
,most    kindly and tenderly he and his 
wife advised us1    and myself1 when we 
happened to be alone1 to wait    and    
watch at the feet of ,jesus1 from whom  
the message    will come in due time1   
,the ,master calleth for    thee4       
,manifold has been the expression of    
sympathy    for us all this week1 in the
 prospect of parting with    our dear   
father on the ,indiana committee1 in    
about    five weeks1 and the comforting 

expectation expressed    that his       
absence will be a time of sweet         
refreshing    from the presence of the  
,lord4 ,oh1 we have much    to be       
thankful for in the grace that has been 
bestowed4      #gth ,mo4 #ith4 ,i have  
been much blessed the last    few days2 
not with high enjoyments1 but with a    
calm    sense of dependence and trust on
 my ,saviour1 and    assistance in      
watching over my own heart4 ,this       
morning ,i have been tried with want of 
settlement    and power to get to the   
throne of grace2 but faith    must learn
 to trust through all changes in the    
unchangeable    truth and love of       
,jesus4 ,i am sensible    that this has 
been a time of much renewed mercy to    
my soul2 and oh that if1 as ---- told   
me1 the ,lord    has many things to say 
unto me1 but ,i cannot bear    them now1
 ,i may but be kept in the right        
preparation1    both for hearing and    
obeying6      #gth ,mo4 #bgth4 ,i am    
sometimes astonished at the             

condescending kindness of my ,saviour1  
that he should    so gently and         
mercifully heal my backslidings and     
love me freely4 ,i think my chief desire
 is to be    preserved alive in the     
truth1 and growing in the    truth2 but 
sometimes1 through unwatchfulness1 such 
a withering comes upon me1 ,i lose all  
sense of good    for days together1 and 
this nether world is all ,i seek        
pleasure in4 ,then there is but a cold1 
cheerless1    condemning feeling1 when  
,i look towards my ,father's    house2  
but when all life seems gone1 and ,i am 
ready    to conclude that ,i have       
suffered so many things in    vain1 how 
often does the gentle stirring of life  
bring    my soul into contrition1 into  
stillness6 and ,he1 who    upbraideth   
not the returning sinner1 reveals       
himself    as the repairer of the       
breach1 the restorer of paths    to     
dwell in4    ,the following lines       
describe her feelings at such a time as 
this3--      ,then disconsolate ,i      

wander'd1      ,where my path was lone  
and dim1    ,till ,i thought that ,i was
 sunder'd      ,evermore from heaven and
 ,him4      ,then it was my ,shepherd   
found me1      ,even as ,he had of old1 
,threw ,his arms of mercy round me1     
,placed me gently in ,his fold4         
#gth ,mo4 #bith4 ,the expression1 ,i    
think1 of ,william    ,penn1 ,let the   
holy watch of ,jesus be upon your       
spirit1 is a fitting watchword for me4  
#gth ,mo4 #cjth4 ,oh1 this must be the  
watchword still4      #hth ,mo4 #ajth4  
,first-day morning4 ,i was helped    to 
cast away some of the weight of worldly 
thoughts    last evening1 and fervently 
to desire after the ,lord4    ,it is a  
blessing to have his manifested presence
 and    love with us2 but this is not at
 all times the needful    or the best   
thing for us4 ,to have the heart right  
with ,god1 to commit my all to him1 to  
live in the    very spirit which        
breathes1 ,thy will be done1 in    and  
through me1--oh1 this is to be alive in 

,christ2    this is indeed the work of  
the spirit2 this is to lose    my life1 
that ,i may keep it unto life eternal4  
,at the ,yearly ,meeting of #ahde       
occurred the appointment previously     
alluded to1 under which ,john ,allen    
became a member of the committee  which 
visited ,indiana ,yearly ,meeting4 ,as  
communication between ,great  ,britain  
and ,america was not so easy and        
frequent in those days as at  present1  
both he and his family very strongly    
felt the prospect of  separation4 ,in   
allusion to the appointment1 ,eliza     
writes1 ,my father  allowed the business
 of the ,yearly ,meeting to proceed1 but
 at length  said that he felt too much  
overwhelmed to speak sooner1--that the  
subject touched his tenderest feelings1 
and that he felt very unfit  for such an
 engagement1 but that the sense which   
had been and was1  while he was         
speaking1 present with him1 of that     
goodness and mercy  which had followed  
him all his life long and blessed him1  

was such  that he dared not refuse to do
 any little offices in his power for    
those dear friends with whom he should  
be associated4 ,she then gives  an      
account of the receipt at home of the   
unexpected intelligence of  this long   
journey1 and of the calmness which      
eventually followed the  shock to the   
feelings which it occasioned4 ,after he 
had set out1 she  wrote an interesting  
account1 too long to be given at full   
length1  of what had passed in the      
intervening time1--the hopes and fears1 
the  preparations1 her father's parting 
with his friends and their words  of    
encouragement to him1 with his own      
counsel and exhortations to his         
children4 ,a few words of his last      
address to them may not be out of       
place3--,i earnestly desire for us all  
that when we shall meet again  we may   
all have made some progress in the      
heavenward journey and be  enabled to   
rejoice together in the sense of it4    
,for you1 my dear young  people1        

especially1 ,i earnestly desire that you
 may be preferring  the best things1 not
 setting your affections on trifling    
objects1 but  valuing an inheritance in 
the truth above all those things that   
perish  with the using4 99 99 99 ,be    
willing to be the ,lord's on his own    
terms1  and prize above all things the  
sense that you are his2 and you will  be
 his1 if you are willing to walk in the 
narrow way--the way of  self-denial4    
,it does not pertain to this volume to  
give any further account of this        
journey or of the mission in which he   
was engaged4 ,the visit of the          
deputation is probably fresh in the     
remembrance of many ,friends in the     
,united ,states4      #hth ,mo4 #bdth4  
,the great parting is over3 the love    
and mercy of our heavenly ,father       
sustained my    dearest father and      
mother beyond expectation4 ,on    this  
occasion1 when ,i have been helped back 
from    a sad1 lone wandering on barren 
mountains1 ,i may    learn1 more deeply 

than ever before1 the safety1 the       
sweetness1 of dwelling in the valley of 
humiliation4    ,oh1 let me dwell there 
long and low enough4 ,i ask    not high 
enjoyments nor rapturous delights2 but  
,i    ask1 ,i pray1 when ,i can pray at 
all1 for quiet1 watchful1    trustful   
dependence upon my ,saviour4      #hth  
,mo4 #bgth4 ,we have had a ride in the  
country    this afternoon1 and during a 
solitary walk of a mile    and a half ,i
 had very sweet feelings4 ,jesus seemed 
so near to me and so kind that ,i could 
hardly but    accept of him4 ,but then  
there seemed some dark    misgivings at 
the same time2 as if ,i had an account  
to settle up first1--something ,i must  
do myself2 the    free full grace seemed
 too easy and gratis to accept    of4   
,but all this ,i found was a mistake4 ,i
 thought    of the lines--        ,he   
gives our sins a full discharge2        
,he crowns and saves us too1      and of
 a remark ,i had seen somewhere1 ,look  
at    ,calvary1 and wilt thou say that  

thy sins are easily    passed by8       
,this evening in my andachtzimmer1#a ,i 
wished to    pray in spirit2 but not a  
petition arose that ,i could    offer4  
,i felt so blind1 and yet so peaceful1  
that all    merged into the confiding   
language1 ,father1 ,thy will    be done6
      ,footnote #a3 ,devotional         
retirement4      #ith ,mo4 #b;d4 ,on    
,first-day1 the twenty-first1 ,i had    
a great struggle on the old             
poetry-writing question4    ,i had      
written none since the great fight last 
winter2    but now to my dearest father 
,i ventured to write1    thinking ,i had
 got over the danger of it4 ,but when   
all was written1 ,i was forced to submit
 to the mortification    of not sending 
it4 ,the relief ,i felt was             
indescribable1    and ,i hope to get    
thus entoiled no more4    ,my scruple is
 not against poetry1 but ,i cannot write
    it without getting over-possessed by
 it4 ,therefore    it is no more than a 
reasonable peace-offering to    deny    

myself of it4 99 99 99 ,and now1 ,lord1 
what wait ,i for8 ,enable me to say1 ,my
 hope is    in thee4 ,it seems as if the
 path would be a narrow    one2 but1 oh1
 make thy way straight before my        
face2 and1 having enabled me1 ,i trust1 
to give some    things to the moles and 
to the bats1 leave me not    till ,i    
have learned to count all things but    
loss1 for    the excellency of ,christ  
,jesus my ,lord4    ,the following is   
the unfinished piece just alluded to3-- 
,,to ,,her ,,father ,,in ,,america4     
,and thus it was1 as drew the moments   
nearer      ,that stamp'd their record  
deep oil every heart2    ,as day by day 
thy presence grew yet dearer1      ,by  
how much sooner thou shouldst hence     
depart4      ,love wept indeed1 though  
she might seem a sleeper1      ,long ere
 descending tears the signs betray'd2   
,and the heart's fountain was but so    
much deeper1      ,the longer was its   
overflow delay'd4      ,the page my     
unapt heart has learn'd so newly        

,in the dark lessons which afflictions  
teach--    ,oh1 it were vain to try to  
utter truly      ,in the cold language  
of unapter speech4      ,that hearts    
when thus their very depths are burning 
,alone should know their bitterness1 is 
well2    ,but1 oh1 my heart more joys   
than aches in learning      ,another    
lesson1 would that words could tell4    
,new depths of love in measure          
unsuspected1      ,ties closer than ,i  
knew1 were round my heart2    ,and half 
,i thank the wrench that has detected   
,how thoroughly and deeply dear thou    
art4      ,and 'twas to tell thee this  
that ,i have taken      ,the tuneless   
lyre ,i thought to use no more1    ,yet 
once at thy returning may it waken1     
,then sleep forever1 silent as before4  
,and not more narrow than the dome of   
ether      ,beams heaven's unbounded1   
earth-embracing scroll2    ,then be it  
thine and ours to read together      ,of
 ,him who loves not less than rules the 
whole4      ,and not more slow than was 

the bark that bore thee      ,to an     
untried and dimly-distant land--    ,our
 hearts' affections thither flew before 
thee1      ,and now are ready waiting on
 the strand4      --#hth ,month1 #ahde4 
#ajth ,mo4 #ast4 ,much struck with the  
suitability of    the expression1 under 
the yoke1 truly subjugated4    not      
merely offering this or that1 but being 
offered a    living sacrifice4 ,oh for a
 thorough work like this6    ,this is   
when the yoke ,is easy and the burden   
light4 ,i know almost nothing of it by  
experience1    but think it is now      
nearer than when ,i first    believed4  
,for a day or two ,i have been given to 
desire it earnestly4      #ajth ,mo4    
#abth4 ,evening4 ,many thoughts about   
faith in ,christ4 ,but oh for the       
reality1 the living    essence of it6   
,we can be ,christians1 not because     
we believe that the blood of ,christ    
cleanses from    sin1 but because we    
know the blood of ,christ to    cleanse 
us from sin4    ,about this date1 in the

 diary of daily affairs1 is the         
following3--      ,a conviction has come
 upon me that1 in all    respects1 now  
is the time to reform1 if ever1 the     
course ,i am now pursuing4 ,religion1   
the main    thing1 may it ever more be  
the main object2 and    then1 as to     
moral1 social1 and other duty1 oh1 be my
    whole course reformed4 444 ,from    
this time    forth may ,i nightly ask   
myself these five questions4    #a4 ,has
 my employment and economy of time been 
right8 #b4 ,has my aim been duty--not   
pleasure8    #c4 ,have ,i been quiet and
 submissive8 #d4 ,have    ,i looked on  
the things of others as my own8 #e4     
,have propensities or sentiments ruled8 
,i wish to    give an answer1 daily1 to 
each2 and now say for    yesterday4 #a4 
,some wasted time before dinner4    #b4 
,pretty clear1 #c4 ,no temptation4 #d4  
,pretty well4    #e4 ,pretty well except
 at meals4    ,in this concise and      
simple manner are these questions       
answered1 almost  daily1 throughout the 

year1 until1 finding that daily records 
of  employment are of little use1 and   
that the intellectual and spiritual     
could not well be longer separated1 she 
discontinued the practice1  and recorded
 in the same book any thing in either   
line that seemed  fit to reserve from   
oblivion4    ,alluding to a religious   
magazine1 she writes3--      ,it is     
always pulling down error--seldom       
building    up truth4 ,surely           
,antichrist comes to oppose ,christ1    
not ,christ to oppose ,antichrist4 ,is  
there1 then1 no    positive ,christian  
duty8 ,are we never to rest in          
principles and practices of actual faith
 and love8 or    are we to be always on 
the offensive and negative    side1     
stigmatizing all who act contrary to our
 belief    of the truth as doers of the 
work of ,antichrist8    ,antichrist1 ,i 
fear1 cares little for orthodox         
doctrines1    but fights against the    
,christian spirit4      #ith ,mo4 #acth4
 ,conflicting thoughts again4 ,i    long

 that there may be no building on any   
sandy    foundation4 ,but oh1 the       
fitness that appeared to me    this     
evening in the blessed ,saviour to      
supply all my    need4 ,the one         
sacrifice ,he has been1 and the one     
mediator and way to ,god ,he ever       
is1--,his own    spirit the one leader1 
teacher1 and sanctifier2 whereby    ,he 
consummates in the heart the blessed    
work of    bringing all into subjection 
to the obedience of    ,christ4 ,oh for 
a personal experience1 a real           
participation    in all this1 a         
knowledge that ,he is my own    and that
 ,i am ,his4      #afth4 ,somewhat      
puzzled at myself4 ,this has    not been
 a spiritually prosperous day--passed   
just to    my taste1 much in reading1   
but not much1 ,i fear1 with    the      
,lord4 ,yet ,i have had very loving     
thoughts of    ,christ this evening1 and
 was ready to call ,him my    own dear  
,saviour1 though ,i trust on no other   
terms    than ,his terms1 namely1 that  

,i should be wholly ,his4    ,some      
misgivings are come up that ,i am       
tempted to    think ,him mine when ,i am
 not in a state to be ,his2    some     
fears lest ,satan has put on the winning
 smiles    of an angel of light2 and yet
 where can ,i go but to    ,thee1       
,saviour of sinners8 ,thou hast the     
words of    life and salvation2 suffer  
me not to be deluded1 but at    all     
hazards let me be ,thine4      ,thou who
 breakest not the bruised reed1 oh1     
bring    forth in me judgment unto      
truth1 and let me wait for    the law of
 life and peace from ,thee4      #ith   
,mo4 #ahth4 ,rode to ,lodge to get      
ferns4 ,enjoyed    thoughts of the      
beauty of nature1 imperfect    as it is1
 because one kind of beauty necessarily 
excludes another4 ,what1 then1 must be  
the essence    of that glory in which   
all perfection is beauty    united8     
,thus these things must be described to 
mortal comprehension under contradictory
 images2    such as pure gold1 like unto

 transparent glass1 c4      #ith ,mo4   
#aith4 ,i think harm is done by         
considering    a society such as        
,friends1 a section of the    ,christian
 ,church1 as societies are so often     
called4    ,it can be true only by      
considering the ,christian    ,church to
 mean professing ,christians2 but surely
    its true meaning is the children of 
,god anywhere4    ,of this body1 there  
are no sections to be made by    man1 or
 it would follow that to unite oneself  
to    either section1 is to be united to
 the body1 which    cannot be4          
#ajth ,mo4 #ast4 ,i fear ,i have so long
 been childish    and thoughtless1 that 
,i shall hardly ever be childlike    and
 thoughtful4 ,oh for a little more care 
without    carefulness6      #ajth ,mo4 
#b;d4 ,much struck with ,krummacher's   
doctrine of ,once in grace1 always in   
grace4    ,after the covenant is made1  
he says1 ,i can do    nothing           
condemnable4 ,i may do what is sinful or
    weak1 but my sins are all laid on my

 ,surety4 ,true1    if my will-spirit   
humbles itself to bear the reforming    
judgment of the ,lord--but ,i think his 
doctrine    utterly dangerous2 his error
 is this1 that the    covenant cannot be
 broken4 ,now1 suppose a    ,christian1 
therefore1 in the covenant2 he sins1    
then    the ,lord would put away his sin
 by cleansing him    from its pollution 
and power1 by the blood of ,christ1     
who hath already borne the punishment   
thereof4    ,but he may refuse this     
cleansing1 in other words1    this      
judgment1 revealed within2 not against  
himself1    as it must have been except 
for ,christ's intercession1    but      
against the evil nature in him1 and in  
love to    his soul4 ,he may refuse     
this1 because it cannot    but be       
painful1 it cannot but include          
repentance for    his transgression1    
whereby he has admitted ground    to the
 enemy4 ,and if he refuse it1 persisting
 in    withdrawing his heart from that  
surrender1 which    must have been made 

on his adoption into the covenant1      
who shall say that the covenant is not  
at an    end8 ,who shall say that the   
way of the ,lord is    not equal1 in    
that1 because he was once a righteous   
man1 made righteous by the righteousness
 of ,christ1    now1 the righteousness  
that he hath had shall not    be        
mentioned unto him1 but in his trespass 
he shall    die8 ,far be it from me to  
say how long the ,lord    shall bear    
with man2 how long he may trespass ere  
he dies forever2 but ,i think it most   
presumptuous    to suppose that ,god    
cannot in honor 7for it does    come to 
this7 disannul the covenant from which  
man    has already retracted all his    
share2 though this1    truly1 is but a  
passive one1 a surrender of the         
will-spirit    to the faith of ,jesus4  
,what good it does me to clear up my    
ideas on    prayer6 but there is a limit
 beyond which intellect    cannot go4   
,no one can fully explain the admission 
of evil into the heart4 ,we say it is   

because ,i    listen to temptation2 but 
why do ,i listen1 to temptation8        
,because ,i did not watch unto prayer4  
,the    ,calvinist would say1 perhaps1  
,because ,i am without    the covenant2 
but he allows that a person may sin     
who is in it4 ,suppose ,i am one of     
these8 ,the    origin of evil must ever 
be hidden1 but not of evil    only2 the 
moral nature of man must ever be a      
mystery    to his intellectual nature1  
for it is above it4    ,there is a      
natural testimony to the supremacy of   
the    moral in man above the           
intellectual4      #ajth ,mo4 #hth4 ,the
 charm of book and pen has    been      
beguiling me of my reward2 but now my   
soul    craves to be offered a living   
sacrifice4      #ajth ,mo4 #aith4 ,the  
world was fearfully my snare            
yesterday1--,i mean worldly objects1    
innocent1 in    themselves4 ,these      
things only show the depth of           
unrenewed nature within4 ,though it     
slumbered1 it    could not be dead4 ,my 

wilderness wanderings1    oh1 ,i fear   
they must be exceedingly protracted ere 
the hosts that have come out of ,egypt  
with me fall2    ere ,i can find in     
myself that blessed possession of the   
promised inheritance1 which1 ,i believe1
 in this life is    the portion of the  
thorough ,christian3 they that          
believe do enter into rest4 ,why1 then1 
do not ,i8    ,oh1 it is for want of    
believing2 for want of faith2 ,i    fear
 to trust the ,lord to give me my       
inheritance and    conquer my foes1 and 
will not go up and possess    the land4 
,then1 again1 in self-confidence1 ,i    
will go    up1 whether the ,lord be with
 me or not2 and so ,i    fall4 ,but     
surely1 surely it need be so no longer4 
,i    might devote myself to ,christ1   
and ,he would lead me    safely through 
all4 ,the shining of the fire and the   
shading of the cloud are yet in the     
ordering of the    ,captain of          
,salvation4      #bjth4 ,exceeding poor2
 and yet ,i rejoice in what    ,i trust 

is somewhat of the poverty of spirit    
which is    blessed4        ,nothing in 
my hand ,i bring2      ,simply to ,thy  
cross ,i cling2      ,to the cleansing  
fount ,i fly3      ,wash me1 ,saviour1  
or ,i die4      #bast4 ,i feel myself in
 much danger of falling1--manifold      
temptations all round to love the world1
 and    how little stay within6         
#bb;d4 ,yet the ,lord was kind1 most    
kind1 to me in    the evening1          
constraining me to say within my heart1 
,surely ,i am united to ,christ my      
,saviour4 ,oh1    the joy of feeling    
that we are in any measure ,his6    ,may
 ,i by no means withdraw myself from    
,his    hands1 that ,he may do for me   
all that ,his mercy    designs1 and     
which ,i am well assured is but begun4  
,this morning a crumb of bread was given
 me1 in the    shape of a sense that    
,christ is yet mine1 but that ,he       
will be waited on in simplicity of heart
 to do ,his own    work4 ,oh1 the       
comfort of having a fountain to flee    

to set open for sin6 hourly have ,i need
 of it4      #aath ,mo4 #b;d4 ,i have   
felt deeply the necessity of    the     
thorough subjugation of the will to the 
,divine    will3 if it were effected1   
all must work for good to    me4 ,little
 cross-occurrences1 instead of exciting 
ill tempers1 would serve as occasions   
for strengthening    my faith in ,god4  
,when ,he giveth quietness1    what     
should make trouble8 ',tis wonderful to 
think    what long-suffering kindness   
the ,lord has shown    me6 ,i can       
compare myself only to the prodigal     
son saying1 ,give me my portion of      
goods--goods    spiritual2 as if ,i     
thought once furnished1 never    again  
to have recourse to a father's          
compassion4 ,oh1    often have ,i wasted
 this substance in a very short    time2
 but the ,lord has reckoned better than 
,i    in my self-confidence4 ,he saw how
 ,i should have to    come back utterly 
destitute1 and again and again has      
had mercy4 ,oh that ,i might no more ask

 for a portion    to carry away1 but    
seek to dwell among the servants    and 
the children of ,his house1 to be fed   
hourly by ,him1 learning in what sense  
,he does say    to those who are willing
 to have nothing of their    own1 ,all  
that ,i have is thine4      #abth ,mo4  
#fth4 ,nice journey to ,falmouth4 ,here 
we have been since ,second-day learning 
our own    manifold deficiencies2 but   
this1 under a genial atmosphere1    is1 
to me1 never disheartening1--always an  
exciting1 encouraging lesson4 ----'s    
kind words    on intellectual presence  
of mind1 and his animating    example of
 it1 have determined me to make a       
vigorous    effort over my own sloth and
 inanity4 ,i believe    the first thing 
is to be always conscious of what ,i am 
thinking of1 and never to let my mind   
run at loose    ends in senseless       
reveries4      #abth ,mo4 #beth4        
,seventh-day4 ,i trust1 now we    are   
all together for the winter1 there will 
be an effort    on my part to help to   

keep up a higher tone of feeling1       
aim1 and conversation3 not mere gossip1 
but    really to speak to each other for
 some good purpose1    is what ,i do    
wish4 ,what an engine1 for good or      
evil1 we neglect and almost despise6 and
 if it is not    employed properly1 when
 at home1 how can it be    naturally and
 intelligently exercised when abroad8   
,fourth-day1 #cast4 ,called on a poor   
sick man1--he    quietly waiting1 ,i    
hope1 for a participation in perfect    
peace1 and penetrated with the sense    
that man can do    nothing of himself4  
,surely this must be a step towards     
knowing what ,god can do4 ,i hope he    
will be    able to see and say something
 more yet2 but ,i would    not ask him  
for any sort of confession4 ,it is a    
fearful    thing to interfere with one  
who seems evidently    in hands ,divine4
      ,thus ended #ahde4 ,oh that it had
 been better    used1 more valued1 more 
improved in naturals1 intellectuals1    
and spirituals6 ,oh that ,i had         

cultivated    kindness and dutiful      
affection in the meekness of    wisdom2 
and as an impetus seems to have been    
lately    received to industry in study1
 etc41 oh1 may ,god    give me grace to 
spend another year1 so far as ,i    live
 through it1 in industrious             
,christianity too6      #ast ,mo4 #gth1 
#ahdf4 ,i should gratefully acknowledge 
the loving-kindness and tender mercy    
which1    after all my wanderings1 has  
again been shown3 ,i    will prepare    
their heart1 ,i will cause their ear to 
hear1    was sweet to me this morning4  
,though sometimes    lamenting that ,i  
hear so little of the voice of pardon   
and peace1 ,i have felt this morning    
that ,i have ever    heard as much as   
was safe for me in the degree of        
preparation yet known4      #ast ,mo4   
#aith4 ,some earnest desires last       
evening1    this morning1 and in the    
night1 to be set right in    spirit4    
,struck with the text1 ,his countenance 
doth    behold the upright1--not that   

the upright always    behold ,his       
countenance3 that is not the thing their
    safety consists in4 ,thou most      
upright dost weigh    the path of the   
just1 that is1 of the truly sincere     
and devoted4 ,ah6 how blessed that such 
an unerring    balance should apportion 
the way of a finite and    blind being6 
#c;d ,mo4 #b;d4 ,little ,e4,p4 died last
 week1 aged three    years1--a child    
whom ,god had taught4 ,i ventured a     
little poem for his mamma1 ,i think     
without harm4    ,the poetry-contest1   
some time since1 was doubtless    useful
 as a check1 but ,i seem to have lost   
the prohibition1    and enjoy1 ,i hope1 
innocently4      ,sixth-day4 ,school1   
more encouraged than sometimes3    got  
on well with geography-class2 visited   
various poor people1--feeling very      
useless1 but some    satisfaction4 ,oh1 
it were a sweet thing to do good    from
 the right motive1 as a natural effect  
of love4    ,i fear ,i do my poor share 
more to satisfy conscientiousness2      

and that is a dull thing4      #c;d ,mo4
 #agth4 ,faith small1 world strong2 but 
this    evening something like grasping 
after the childly    life beyond4 ,a    
childly life ,i want4 ,oh for           
simplicity1    faith1 quietness1        
self-renunciation6      ,yesterday rode 
alone to ,wheal1 ,sister's mine4 ,gave  
,w4,b4 tracts for the girls4 ,thence to 
,captain ,n41    to get his daughters to
 collect for ,bibles4 ,his nice    wife 
seemed interested2 said it was very     
needful4    ,many families had not a    
,bible there2 the place a    century    
behind the ,west4 ,rode home dripping1  
but    glad that ,i had not been turned 
back4 ,learned part    of the #db;d     
,psalm in ,german4      #c;d ,mo4 #bgth4
 ,what testimony of gratitude can ,i    
record to that tender mercy which has   
drawn near to    me this evening8 ,oh   
that the ,anon with joy    reception may
 not be united with the no root in      
myself6 ,i have thought of the          
,israelitish wanderings1    caused by   

faithless folly in refusing to go up    
and possess the land4 ,oh1 that lack of 
living appropriating    faith may not   
thus protract the period    ere my own  
passage through the spiritual ,jordan1  
the    river of self-renunciation1 and  
death of the old    man1 into the       
,beulah of a thorough introduction to   
the sheepfold6 ,it is easy to say that  
it would be too    presumptuous to      
venture on the final1 full1 childlike   
appropriation of ,christ2 but1 oh1      
presumption1 ,i do    deeply feel1 is   
more concerned in the delay4 ,it is     
presumptuous to put off1 till brighter  
evidences and    clearer offers of      
mercy1 the acceptance of grace to-day4  
#dth ,mo4 #adth4 ,the ,lord has been    
kind to me    beyond expression4 ,not   
rapturous feeling1 but calm    and      
peaceful confidence1--though sometimes  
almost    giving way to the world1 the  
flesh1 and the devil1    sometimes      
letting go faith2 but1 oh1 ,he has been 
near    through all2 then when ,his face

 has shone upon me1    how have ,i      
wondered that ever ,i loved the earth1  
more than ,himself6      #eth ,mo4 #c;d4
 ,bristol4 ,on the way to the ,yearly   
,meeting4 ,first-day4 ,most interesting 
meeting4 ,i    think the connection of  
evangelical doctrine with    ,christian 
worship is often not enough considered4 
,the mere natural unsanctified dread or 
awe of the    ,lord's presence is very  
different from that worship    of ,god  
which is through ,christ our ,lord1 who 
has    made a way of access for us to   
the ,father1 who ,himself    loveth us4 
,if this be overlooked1 there is little 
essential distinction between ,christian
 worship1 and    ,oriental              
gnosticism--the delusion of raising the 
soul    above the natural1 by           
abstraction and contemplation    of the 
,divine4 ,this is the distinguishing    
glory of    the gospel1 that whereas the
 children of ,israel said    to ,moses1 
,speak thou to us1 but let not ,god     
speak    to us1 lest we die1 ,christ1   

his antitype1 hath broken    down for   
his people the middle wall of partition1
    hath abolished the enmity1 and      
speaketh to us ,himself    as ,god1 and 
yet as once in our flesh4      #eth ,mo4
 #ajth4 ,letter from father1 from       
,niagara4    ,awful spectacle1 and most 
edifying emblem of ,his    unchanging   
word of power whose voice is as the     
sound of many waters4      ,this evening
 had a nice meeting2 my soul longed     
for light and life in the assembly4     
,of our dear father's safe arrival in   
,liverpool we    heard on our way to the
 train in the morning1 and    now we    
settled in to expect him we had so long 
lost6    ,and1 after meeting him in     
,london and alluding to conversation    
with  friends who called to see him1 she
 says1--      ,but with father the fact 
of presence1 real    meeting1 actual    
talk1 seemed more engrossing than    the
 thing talked4 ,oh that ,i had a really 
grateful    heart to the ,lord for these
 ,his mercies6      #gth4 ,alluding to a

 meeting at ,devonshire ,house4    ,it  
is1 indeed1 looking not at the things   
which are    seen1 when we really accept
 with equal1 nay1 with    greater1 joy1 
,his will to speak by the little as by  
the    great1 or by ,his ,spirit only1  
when communion of    truth is preferred 
to communication of the true4      #eth 
,mo4 #bith4 ,and now that my ,london    
experience    is over1 as to meetings1  
preachings1 prayers1    what1 oh1 what  
is the result on this immortal spirit   
of mine1 which has on this occasion been
 brought1    as it were1 in contact with
 some of the honorable    and anointed  
messengers1 with that which is good8    
,and yet it is possible that contact may
 not produce    penetration1 and that   
penetration may not produce             
assimilation4 ,i can unhesitatingly say1
 the first and    second have been      
produced2 but then these are but        
transactions of the time1 not abiding   
transformations2    and if these are    
all8 ,but1 surely1 it cannot be2        

surely1 when my heart melted within me1 
especially    on ,second-day morning1   
and ,i heard the word and    anon with  
joy received it1 some depth of central  
stone was fused into softness2 some     
actual change1    effected1 that ,i     
might not have altogether no root    in 
myself4 ,sometimes predominated a fear  
that intellectual    interest interfered
 with spiritual simple    reception of  
good1 that this would vanish when that  
was over2 sometimes the responsibility  
of being thus    ministered to was truly
 a weighty thought2 for never    more   
than on that morning did ,i so          
understand1 ,go    preach1 baptizing4   
,sometimes ,i thought that ,god    had  
indeed brought me to this ,yearly       
,meeting to    make me then and there   
his own2 and when ,i heard    of passing
 by transgressions as a cloud1 ,i was   
ready    to think my own were indeed    
dissolving as one4 ,i    felt strongly  
the superiority of religion to every    
other thing1 not merely for its external

 aim1 ,god1    but for its internal     
power on self1 how these masterpieces   
of the human creation were not only made
 the    most of by religion1 but that it
 alone can make any    thing of the     
whole man4 ,how strongly do we feel1    
when with a clever1 talented1           
irreligious man1 that he    has a latent
 class of moral powers which have not   
been called into action1 that on this   
point he may be    inferior to the      
veriest child2 but ,god1 who has made   
man for himself1 has made in every man a
 royal    chamber1 for himself          
spiritually to dwell in2 and if    this 
be not reappropriated to him1 7which is 
religion17    his capacity for the      
,divine is not exercised1 and he    is  
not only not made the most of1 but his  
best nature    is not even made use of4 
,what a privilege to have    intercourse
 with those in whom the very reverse is 
the case6 ,what a stimulus to the little
 mind1 to    become not equal to the    
great1 but proportionally               

,christianized--i4e4 equally devoted6   
and this is    ,christian perfection2   
not to have arrived at the    highest   
attainment of intercourse with ,god ever
    granted to man1 but to have the will
 thoroughly willing    ,god's will4     
,this is1 indeed1 better far than a     
mere knowledge of what that will is4    
,but in some    whom ,i have seen1 there
 is a beautiful union of a    high      
degree of this knowing and willing2 and 
these    are they to whom it is given to
 edify the ,church4      99 99 99 ,how  
shall ,i enough praise and thank the    
,lord1 who has so condescended to my    
weak and    sinful condition1 that      
though my head perhaps knew    all      
before1 and my heart was disobedient1   
,he has so    brought me under the      
mighty ministry of ,his ,word    of     
life1 that for a while all seemed melted
 and subjected1    and my heart longed  
to accept ,him and his    reconciliation
 to me on the blessed terms1 not the    
harsh terms1 but the privileged terms1  

of my being    reconciled to ,him4 ,oh1 
what an error to think any    thing     
harsh or hard in the requirements of the
 gospel6    ,it is a mercy beyond man's 
conception1 that we    are commanded1   
,be ye holy1 for ,i am holy4      #fth  
,mo4 #abth4 ,yesterday my twenty-third  
birthday4    ,in the evening a song of  
praise seemed to fill    my heart for   
the vast mercy shown me of late4 ,god1  
who is rich in mercy for ,his great love
 wherewith ,he    loved me when ,i was  
dead in sins1 has truly begun    to     
quicken my heart4      #fth ,mo4 #abth4 
,had a note from ---- of kind           
spiritual interest2 but ,i think she    
mistakes my want1    which is more of   
practical than of theoretical faith4    
,have ventured to tell her1 in a note1  
what ,i feel and    have felt4 ,i think 
many who have left ,friends1 and        
become more decidedly serious since1    
remembering    that when ,friends1 the  
gospel was not precious to    them1     
fancy it is undervalued by the ,society4

 ,my    note is as follows3--      ,my  
dear --- will1 ,i hope1 believe that ,i 
was not disposed    to receive her      
affectionate lines in any other than    
that spirit of love in which they were  
written1 and in    which1 ,i am         
persuaded1 it is the will of our blessed
    ,saviour for ,his disciples that    
they all may be one4    ,yes1 my dear   
----1 ,i believe there is not a sentence
 in    thine in which ,i do not heartily
 join2 and while we are    both seeking 
to believe1 as thou says1 with the heart
    in ,christ our ,saviour1 in whom we 
have redemption1    through ,his blood1 
even the forgiveness of sins1 let us    
say not only1 ,here is a point on which 
we can unite1    but here is the one    
bond of fellowship1 which unites the    
whole ransomed ,church1 throughout the  
world1 and    especially those who love 
each other1 as ,i trust we do4    ,if we
 were more willing to let ,christ be our
 all in all1    surely we should more   
realize this blessed truth4             

,disputations    on theoretical         
differences seem to me like disputes    
on the principles of a fire-escape among
 those    whose sole rescue depends on  
at once committing themselves    to it1 
since the most perfect understanding of 
its    principles is utterly in vain if 
they continue mere    lookers-on2 while 
others1 with perhaps far less           
head-knowledge1    are safely landed4   
,this1 it seems to me1 is    the        
distinction between head-knowledge and  
heart-knowledge1    between dead creed  
and living faith2 and every    day1 ,i  
think1 more convinces me that it is with
 the    heart that man believeth unto   
righteousness4 ,as thou    hast so      
kindly spoken of myself1 and thy kind   
interest    for me1 may ,i add that what
 ,i have known1 small though    it be1  
of this faith1 has been all of grace2   
nor do ,i hope    or wish but that it   
may be1 from first to last1 of grace    
alone4 ,if ,i love ,christ1 it is       
because ,he first loved me3    because  

,god1 who is rich in mercy1 has shown me
 the    great love wherewith ,he loved  
me1 when ,i was dead in    sins2 nor    
should ,i have had one glimpse of the   
knowledge    of the glory of ,god1 in   
the face of ,jesus ,christ1    had not  
,god1 who commanded the light to shine  
out of    darkness1 shined into my      
heart4 ,and dark and sad    has ever    
been the view of myself bestowed by that
 grace    which brings salvation1 long  
shining as it were to make    my        
darkness visible2 but this do ,i esteem 
one of ,his rich    mercies1 who will   
have no rival in ,his children's hearts1
    and teaches us our own utter        
depravity and sinfulness2    that we    
may1 without any reserve1 fly to ,him1  
who has    borne our sins in ,his own   
body on the tree1 that we might    be   
saved from wrath through ,him4 ,and if  
it is of    grace1 that while we were   
yet sinners1 we were reconciled    to   
,god by the death of ,his ,son1 it is by
 grace also1    that being reconciled1  

we shall be saved by ,his life4    ,it  
is not by works of righteousness which  
we have    done1 but according to ,his  
mercy ,he saveth us1 by the    washing  
of regeneration and renewing of the     
,holy    ,ghost4 ,and here ,i find      
abundant need to take heed    that ,i   
receive not the grace of ,god in vain2  
for truly    ,christ cannot be ours1 if 
we will not be his4 ,but though    ,i   
have to lament many a revolt1 and many a
 backsliding1    and many a denial in   
heart of ,christ my ,saviour1 yet    the
 ,lord1 who turned and looked on ,peter1
 has not forsaken    me2 the fountain   
set open for sin has been1 ,i           
believe1 set open for me2 and still does
 ,he continue to    heal my             
backslidings1 and to love me freely4    
,for    the future ,i have sometimes    
many a fear1 because of    this         
deceitful heart of mine2 and at others  
,i can trust    it in ,his hands1 whose 
grace will be sufficient for me to      
the end1--that end1 when ,i may realize1

 what ,i now    assuredly believe1 that 
the gift of ,god is eternal life        
through ,jesus ,christ our ,lord4 ,and  
now1 my dear    ----1 are we not one1   
essentially one1 both one in ,christ8   
,i know that1 uniting in the            
acknowledgment1 and1 above    all1 ,i   
trust1 in the experience1 of the great  
truths of the    gospel1 we differ in   
their applications and influences on    
subordinate points1 and ,i believe this 
must be expected    to be often the case
 while we see through a glass    darkly2
 but we shall1 ,i trust1 see eye to eye1
 when    the ,lord shall bring again    
,zion2 and ,he will keep that    which  
we have committed unto ,him against that
 day4    ,the ,lord's commandment is    
exceeding broad1 and it    is no wonder 
that our narrow minds cannot adequately 
appreciate the whole1 or that1 while we 
believe the same    things1 we sometimes
 view them in different order and       
proportion1 often being nearer each     
other than we are    aware4 ,i fear much

 good is not done by discussing         
differences2    at least1 ,i find it    
calls up feelings which are    not good1
 and ,i lose more practically than ,i   
get or give    theoretically4 ,may the  
,lord bless us both in our pilgrimage1  
and guide us in a plain path to a city  
of final    habitation1 where we shall  
not want sun1 or moon1 or any    other  
thing than the glory of ,god and the    
,lamb1 to be    our everlasting light4  
,i could not be satisfied without       
replying to thy kind    remarks and     
inquiries about myself and my hopes2 but
    now1 having said so much1 ,i hope   
thou wilt not think it    strange that  
,i cannot argue on things about which we
    differ4 ,i have not adopted opinions
 without reflection1    and it has fully
 satisfied myself2 but ,i have nothing  
to    spend in controversy1 which ,i    
always find does me a    great deal of  
harm4 ,i hope we now know enough of     
each other to rejoice in each other's   
joy4      #fth ,mo4 #afth4 ,last evening

 alone in the plantation4    ,sought the
 ,lord4 ,it was beautiful4 ,was not     
nature meant by ,him to work in concert 
with ,his    spirit on our hearts8 ,or  
is the calming and soothing    power a  
thing confined to sense and sensibility8
 ,i    suppose the latter1 but that     
religion appropriates these    as well  
as all other faculties and parts of     
man's nature1    and1 where he would    
have praised nature1 bids him    praise 
,god1 his own ,god in ,christ4      #fth
 ,mo4 #ahth4 ,i have thought this summer
 a time    of critical importance for my
 soul1 for eternity4 ,i    have felt1   
and sometimes spoken1 strongly1 but     
always1    ,i believe1 honestly1 unless 
,i have imposed upon myself4    ,thought
 ,i had accepted ,christ4 ,i thought ,he
    was my salvation and my all4 ,yet   
once more will    the ,lord shake not my
 earthly heart1 but also my    heaven1  
my hopes1 my expectations1 in ,him4     
,will    ,he convict me still of holding
 the truth in unrighteousness8    ,how  

else can ,i explain to myself the       
pride which revolts from censure1 the   
touchy disposition1    the              
self-justifying spirit1 the jealousy of 
my reputation1    the anxiety to keep up
 my character8 ,how    else can ,i      
explain the inaptitude for the divine1  
the    unwillingness to have the veil   
quite lifted from my    heart1 to       
display it even to my own eyes8 ,ah6 is 
it    not that there is still a double  
mind and instability in    all my ways1 
still a want of that simplicity of      
faith1    that humility1 and poverty1   
and meekness of spirit1    that can     
accept the gospel1 still the            
self-righteousness    7worse than ,i am 
of ,paul7 which assumes to itself    ,i 
of ,christ8 ,ah6 if ,i may yet lift my  
eyes    through ,him who hath borne even
 the iniquity of    our holy things1    
keep me1 ,o ,lord1 from a wider         
wandering1 till ,thou bring me fully    
into the fold1    the little flock1 to  
whom it is ,thy good pleasure to    give

 thy kingdom4      #gth ,mo4 #eth4 99 99
 99 ,it is useless to conceal from      
myself that ,i have felt grieved at     
some1 whom we    might suppose grounded 
in the faith long since1 appearing    to
 keep the expression of sole reliance on
 the    mercy of ,god in ,jesus ,christ1
 as a sort of death-bed    confession4  
,i know full well that religion must be 
an    actual transformation of soul2 but
 then the ground    of our hope that    
this will be perfectly effected ere     
we depart1 is the mercy of ,god in      
,christ1 quite as    much as our hope of
 forgiveness of actual sin1 and    final
 salvation4 ,oh1 some do separate things
 too much1    as if it were possible to 
err by too full a reliance    on        
,christ2 as if there was a danger that  
,he or    we should1 by that means1     
forget the work of grace4    ,grace is  
grace throughout1 not of works1 but of  
,him    that calleth4 ,still1 ,i believe
 there must and will be    variations in
 our modes of viewing the great gospel1 

the exceeding broad commandment4 ,may   
we1 as    ,s4 ,tuke so beautifully said1
 know one another in    the one bond of 
brotherhood1 ',one ,lord1 one faith1    
one baptism2' without entering into nice
 distinctions    and metaphysical       
subtleties4 ,and may ,i1 to    whom     
temptations of this kind are naturally  
so accessible1    be preserved in my own
 spirit from the snares    of death1    
cleansed from secret faults1 kept from  
presumptuous sins1 and hidden in the    
,lord's    pavilion from the strife of  
tongues4      #gth ,mo4 #ith4 ,i have   
been thinking much of the    young women
 at the ,union1 and yesterday went to   
see them4 ,a sad spectacle2 but they    
seemed willing    and glad to be        
visited1 and ,i hope to go once a week  
to read to them1 and to teach a few of  
them to read4    ,oh that my life were  
more useful than it is6      #gth ,mo4  
#ahth4 ,oh1 why was ,i induced to allow 
thoughts and reasonings to supplant     
worship6 ,how    they plead their own   

utility1 and how like good is the       
thought about good6 but then the dry1   
barren1 unsatisfied    unrest of soul   
that followed6 ,strange1 that    thought
 employed to so little purpose at other 
times    should pretend to be so        
edifying in meetings4 ,reveries    on   
probability1 as being a mere relation   
between a    cause and a spectator1 or  
bystander2 not between cause    and     
effect4 ,thought it important touching  
free will    and foreknowledge4 ,god is 
certain of futurity--we    are          
uncertain4 ,futurity is certain in      
relation to ,god1    uncertain in       
relation to us--probable or improbable  
in    relation to us1 neither in        
relation to ,god2 but neither    the    
certainty nor the probability exists in 
future non-existent    fact1 therefore  
,i take it they do not influence    the 
fact4 ,this1 perhaps1 is profitless2 but
 ,i am glad    to find that thought on  
this point always tends to confirm      
what ,i believe is the true scriptural  

doctrine in    opposition to ,calvinism4
 ,this was a natural reaction    on the 
minds of reformers from the ,romish     
doctrine    of justification by works4  
,they no sooner found that    man cannot
 make his own salvation1 than they      
fancied    he could not reject it4 ,they
 learned that it was freely    given to 
some1 and fancied that it could not have
 been    freely offered to all4         
#gth ,mo4 #bjth4 ,mere carnal           
conscientiousness is a    poor          
substitute for love of ,god4 ,the       
constant inquiry1    ,what must ,i do to
 keep an easy conscience8    is no proof
 of high ,christian attainment2 rather  
says the ,christian1 ,what can ,i render
 for all ,his    benefits8      #gth    
,mo4 #cjth4 ,a visit to ,j4 ,harvey's   
corpse4 ,a    poor man whom she had     
frequently visited4 ,i have    been much
 concerned about him in days past1 and  
now can a little rejoice in his         
exceeding joy4 ,an    emaciated1 sallow 
countenance1 but speaking perfect       

rest4 ,he spoke scarcely at all for some
 days4 ,i saw    him three days before  
his death1 and could but commend    him 
to one of the many mansions2 but he     
could scarcely answer4    ,a few        
passages about this period1 record      
,eliza's desire for a  friendship with  
some sympathizing mind out of her own   
family1--some  one whose views1 whilst  
tending to the same point as her own1   
would  yet have the freshness of an     
altogether different experience4 ,not   
that she undervalued home affections1   
for that would have been quite  contrary
 to her nature1 but1 after alluding to  
them warmly1 she says1  ,at the same    
time1 we want a friendship for the rest 
of our faculties  and minds2 and it     
cannot be1 ,i believe1 that one family  
should  supply to any one of its members
 all that it is capable of  appreciating
 and experiencing in the way of         
friendship4 ,another entry  states1 ,i  
have a new friendship with ,m4,b41 which
 promises substantial  comfort4 ,just   

the thing ,i have wished for all my     
life4 ,we have  exchanged two letters on
 each side4 ,this acquaintance ripened  
into  a connection which was afterwards 
steadily maintained1--although  the     
intercourse of the two friends was      
principally by letter4 ,that            
circumstance1 however1 has caused the   
preservation of thoughts and  sentiments
 which otherwise would have been        
unrecorded2 and1 as the  letters offer  
much of an interesting character1       
copious extracts from  them are         
hereafter given3      #hth ,mo4 #b;d4   
,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,surely1
 whoever is not a true friend to himself
    and to his own best interests cannot
 be such to    another4 ,here1 indeed1  
if ,i may hope to have part or    lot in
 the matter1 the thing aimed at is high2
 but this    does not insure its        
attainment1 and there is great cause    
for care that the humiliating discovery 
of the discrepancy    between the two1  
does not lead us to lower the one rather

    than seek to elevate the other4 ,i  
have a strong belief    of the          
importance of self-scrutiny and honesty 
with one's    own heart1 of real        
willingness to know and feel the        
worst of one's self1 and sincerity of   
application to the    true means of     
remedy4 ,perhaps the very sense of      
deficiency    in this particular1 makes 
me believe the more its    value2 but ,i
 dislike what ,i think to be the false  
humility    of some persons1 who1 while 
seeming to claim the    blessings of    
religion1 would think it presumption to 
profess1    or even expect1 conformity  
to its standard4 ,the    presumption    
always seems to me on the other side2   
and    yet who is free from it          
altogether8 ,very long it takes    some 
persons--of whom ,i am one--to get      
through the    seventh chapter of       
,romans4 ,many a time they get to    the
 twenty-fourth verse1 and stick in the  
twenty-fifth1    looking wishfully over 
the barrier which divides them    from  

the eighth chapter2 and yet1 if         
thoroughly willing    to know the worst 
of themselves1 they would perhaps       
find that it is because a part of a     
man's nature may go    so far1 while it 
requires the whole spirit to make this  
last transition4 ,i think ,i long for   
true humiliation in    the evidence of  
my own deficiency here4             99  
99       99       99       99      ,i   
did1 indeed1 enjoy the ,yearly          
,meeting's ,epistle3 it    is a         
wholesome one in these days4 ,how       
refreshing is    it in thought1 to      
abstract ourselves from the words and   
doings of men1 and think of that one    
eternal unchanging    truth1 which can  
never be inconsistent with itself and   
which1 though hid from the wise and     
prudent1 is revealed    to babes6 ,here 
,i think the belief of the identity     
of our own character hereafter1 comes in
 well1 and    should lead us to consider
 whether we love truth absolutely1      
and not only relatively to the          

circumstances    which will not exist   
then2 and whether we can be happy    in 
a land where righteousness and peace    
forever kiss    each other4 ,and may ,i1
 without vanity and just in             
illustration1 quote from a rhyme of my  
own8--      ,while thus we long1 in     
bonds of clay1      ,for freedom's      
advent bright1    ,upbraid the tardy    
wheels of day1      ,and call the       
slumbering light1      ,do we no willing
 fetters wear      ,which our own hands 
have made1    ,no self-imposed          
distresses bear1      ,and court no     
needless shade8      ,while our departed
 friends to meet      ,we often vainly  
sigh1    ,to hold in heaven communion   
sweet1      ,communion large and high1  
,do we1 while here on earth we dwell1   
,those pure affections show    ,for     
which we long to bid farewell      ,to  
all we love below8      ,for no         
unhallow'd footstep falls      ,upon    
that floor of gold2    ,those pearly    
gates1 those crystal walls1      ,no    

earthly hearts enfold4      ,and if our 
voice on earth be strange      ,to notes
 of praise and prayer1    ,that voice it
 is not death's to change1      ,would  
make but discord there4      #hth ,mo4  
#ajth4 ,strange vacillations of feeling2
 at    one time on the point of trusting
 the ,lord for    eternity1 at another1 
cannot trust him even for time4    ,at  
one time would cast my whole soul on    
him2 at    another1 will bear the weight
 of every straw myself1    till ,i      
become quite overloaded with them4 ,oh1 
what a spectacle of folly1 and weakness1
 and sin6    ,a soul immortal spending  
all her powers1 wasting    her strength 
in strenuous idleness6      #hth ,mo4   
#afth4 ,very busy making things tidy1   
and resolved1 almost religiously1 to    
keep them so4    ,i think ,i would not1 
for any consideration1 die with    all  
my things in disorder4 ,disorder must be
 the    result of a disordered mind1 and
 not only so1 it    reacts on the mind  
and makes it worse in turn4      #hth   

,mo4 #ahth4 ,people do not say enough of
 the    need of consistency1 when they  
speak of trusting in    ,providence     
instead of arms4 ,it was consistent in  
,william ,penn1 but it would not have   
been consistent    in his               
contemporaries1 who took the ,indians'  
land for nought4 ,providence is not to  
be made a    protector of injustice1 of 
which arms are the fitting    shield4   
,oh that consistency1 earnestness of    
character1    were more valued6         
#hth ,mo4 #bc;d4 ,some true wish1 may ,i
 say prayer1    that ,christ may now1   
now1 blot out as a cloud my    sins1    
even on his own terms1 which1 ,i am more
 convinced1    do not consist of things 
required of us to    give in exchange   
for his mercy1 but are a part of    that
 mercy1 a part of that redemption4 ,yes1
 when    sin becomes thoroughly a       
burden1 as sin1 then we see    that     
grace would be indeed imperfect1 if it  
was not    to be a deliverance from the 
power1 as well as the    punishment1 of 

sin2 and if we ask for grace1 and yet   
cherish sin1 truly we know not what     
spirit we are    of1 we wish not for    
complete salvation while we are         
asking for it4 ,mercy is a broader thing
 than our    most earnest prayers       
suppose2 yea1 it is above all    that we
 can ask or think4      #hth ,mo4       
,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,how    
little it avails to know the theory of  
wisdom and folly1 right and wrong1 etc41
 just so as to    occupy only the       
perceptive and reasoning faculties6     
,what we want1 what the world wants1 ,i 
think1 is the    ,christian version of  
the present so fashionable idea of      
earnestness1 or1 as ,i have thought it  
may imply1 consistency    of character4 
,we get ideas and opinions in a dead    
way1 and then they do not pervade our   
characters2 we    have but half learned 
them2 they have influenced not    our   
feeling1 but only our knowing faculties1
 and then    perhaps it had been better 
not to have known the way    of truth4  

,a full response is in my heart to the  
difficulty    of keeping things in their
 right places1 neither can ,i at    all 
agree to the idea that where the love of
 the world    perverts one1 the fear of 
it perverts ten2 at least1 understanding
    the world to mean whatever passes as
 ,i    cloud between the mental eye of  
faith and things unseen4    ,many a time
 has the book-shelf and the writing-desk
    been made a substitute for the      
oratory4 ,as to    friendship taking    
this place1 surely the whole idea of a  
,church is based on that of ,christian  
fellowship in its    strict sense4 ,be  
it ours to know what that means1 and    
then1 if our love to ,christ is the main
 bond of union1    while that continues1
 we shall love him the more rather      
than the less on that account4 ,but ,i  
know that friendship    includes various
 other elements1 and may we be          
sensible that if these are made the main
 things in our    esteem1 not only our  
faith1 but our friendship too1 becomes  

debased4      ,respecting the seventh   
and eighth chapter of ,romans1    a     
believe ,i agree with thee2 but lately  
,i have had    stronger feelings than ,i
 used to have about the distinction     
between defective religion and infant   
religion4    ,the full feeling of our   
corruption must certainly precede    the
 full reception of the ,christian's joy2
 and ,i believe    we ought not to be   
too anxious to reduce to regular        
theory what is so much above our finite 
understandings    as the work of the    
,holy ,spirit in the heart4 ,still1 ,i  
think there is1 when it goes on as it   
ought to do1 unobstructed1    a         
completeness in all its stages4 ,there  
may    and ought to be a perfect infant1
 then a perfect youth1    then a perfect
 man1 and ,i don't know how to apply to 
the advanced stage only2 that blessed   
declaration which ,i    sometimes think 
expresses the sum of ,christian liberty1
    ,there is1 therefore1 now no        
condemnation to them which    are in    

,christ ,jesus4 ,still1 it will be quite
 time enough    to reason about this    
when we have attained such an entirely  
childlike state2 nor1 ,i suppose1 shall 
we be long    in discovering the        
privilege of which we shall then be in  
possession--,of such is the kingdom of  
heaven4 ,then1    doubtless1 we shall be
 furthest from reasoning at all4        
,we have been much interested with the  
last volume    of ,d',aubign4 ,the      
imperfection of all the instruments     
is strikingly shown4 ,luther's obstinate
 transubstantiation    or               
consubstantiation doctrines1            
,melancthon's timid    concessions to   
the ,papists1 and ,zwingle's carnal     
warfare1    ending in the tragedy of    
,cappel1 and1 as it seems1 in the       
long delay of the establishment of the  
,reformation in    ,switzerland4        
,d',aubign appears very sensible of this
    inconsistency3 even the loss of     
,ecolampadius by a peaceful    death he 
represents as a happy encouragement to  

the ,church after the blow it had       
received2 but ,i don't    think         
,d',aubign a thorough peace advocate4   
,he makes    so much distinction between
 the ,churchman and ,statesman1    that 
,i fear he would allow of mere rulers   
and    magistrates taking up arms on    
merely secular affairs1    though he    
does not wish the ,church to be defended
 by    such4 ,i should like to know thy 
impression of the early    ,christians' 
opinion on war4 ,neander allows that a  
party    objected to it1 as in the case 
of ,maximilian1 ,a4,d4 #bbi2    but says
 that very sincere ,christians were     
soldiers in    the ,roman army1 till    
,galerius required all soldiers to      
take part in the heathen ceremonies4    
#hth ,mo4 #bfth4 ,oh1 how shall ,i set  
forth ,his    tender compassion1 who has
 blessed me this evening    with1 ,i was
 going to say1 the abundance of peace   
and truth8 ,oh1 how near ,he has been1  
helping me    to cast my all on ,him1   
helping me to leave the    things that  

are behind1 yes1 and the things that are
    before too1 as far as self is       
concerned1 and commit    my future way  
and safety to ,him6 ,when ,his love     
has been made known1 how have ,i been   
grieved by    fears of future folly1    
fears1 too1 that have been grievously   
fulfilled4 ,what a pretest this for     
harassing    myself with fears that it  
will be so again6 ,but1 oh1    these    
fears are very far from that fear which 
the    ,lord will put into ,his         
children's hearts1 that they    shall   
not depart from ,him4 ,they have no     
preserving    power over me2 they are of
 the earth1 earthy1 and    solely come  
from distrust of that grace which is    
ever-sufficient2    from a desire to    
have a share myself in    that victory  
which is ,christ's alone4 ,oh1 if my    
incessant    regards were to ,him alone1
 ,he would take    all care on ,himself4
 ,he is the same yesterday1 to-day1     
and forever1 and ,his faith is the      
victory    which overcomes the world4   

,humility1 true watchfulness1    and    
self-distrust are diametrically opposed 
to this careful spirit3 their language  
ever is1 ,i am    nothing1 ,christ is   
all4      #hth ,mo4 #bgth4 ,changed     
indeed2 not any light to    be seen in  
my dark heart4 ,yet ,i look up1 ,i trust
    singly1 to ,him from whom it came   
yesterday2 and    thither may ,i look   
till again the day break4 ,can ,i       
say1 in full sincerity1 more than they  
that watch    for the morning8 ,alas    
that ,i am so versatile6    ,christian  
and worldling within a day4 ,oh for a   
deeper sense that ,i am not my          
own1--that ,i have no    right to       
disturb the sanctuary of my own spirit  
when ,god has made it such1--that there 
is no other    way than whole-hearted   
and honest-hearted ,christianity    to  
attain the heavenly kingdom6      #ith  
,mo4 #ith4 ,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 
99 ,our wily foe finds every thing which
 produces    strong emotion and         
commotion of mind a good    opportunity 

for trying new temptations1 and1 at any 
rate1 tries hard to keep us from        
committing all to a    better hand than 
ours4 ,i feel quite ashamed of the      
measure of his success with me2 but     
surely we want a    new sanctification  
every day1--a new recurrence to the     
grace that will set all dislocated      
bones1 as ,j4 ,fletcher    calls        
unsanctified feelings and affections4 ,i
 was much    pleased with this          
comparison1 which ,i found in his life  
the other day4 ,i think it is an        
admirable exemplification    of the     
uneasiness and pain of mind they cause4 
,but how very uncertain our frames of   
feeling are2    sometimes thinking there
 is but one thing which we have    not  
quite given up to ,god1 and sometimes1  
with perhaps    correcter judgment1     
lamenting1 all my bones are out    of   
joint4 ,may we1 my dear ,m41 encourage  
each other    in seeking help of ,him   
who received and healed all    that had 
need of healing4      #ith ,mo4 #bjth4  

,finished most interesting review    of 
,john ,foster's life4 99 99 99 ,foster  
was a very    deep thinker4 ,he thought 
the boundary of the    knowable wider   
than the generality do4 ,this may    be2
 but ,i fancy he does not always admit  
sufficient    weight in his arguments to
 the manifest relations    and actings  
of the unknown upon the known4 ,he      
was ,calvinistic2 this1 joined to a     
strong view of the    moral perfection  
and benevolence of ,god1 led him    to  
the natural result of denying eternal   
punishments4    ,could he have seen more
 of the essence of a human    spirit1 as
 he doubtless now sees it1 ,i venture to
 think    that that mysterious          
personality1 by virtue of which    man  
may be said to choose his destiny1 i4e4 
to embrace    destruction1 or to submit 
to be saved by the ,saviour    in his   
own way1 that the perception of this    
personal    image of ,god in man might  
vindicate the ,divine    perfection and 
benevolence1 and make it evident that   

our salvation is of ,god1 and our       
destruction is of    ourselves4         
#ajth ,mo4 #b;d4 ,oh to be permitted any
 taste of    that grace which is        
free--ever free2 which brings a         
serene reliance on eternal love2 which  
imprints its    own reflection on the   
soul6 ,oh1 be that reflection           
unbroken by restless disquiets of mind2 
be that    image watchfully prized1 and 
waited for1 and waited in4      #ajth   
,mo4 #eth4 ,some sweetness in thinking  
how    much akin is having nothing to   
possessing all    things4      #ajth    
,mo4 #adth4 ,talk with ,james ,teare on 
the    immorality of drinking4          
,query3--,is it per se a sin    to drink
 a little8 ,he does not affirm it in    
pure    abstract1 but says that no      
action can be purely    abstract2 and   
that as to uphold an immoral system     
is immoral1 as the drinking system is   
immoral1 as    moderate draughts uphold 
the drinking system1 and1    in fact1   
cannot be drunk by the community without

    giving birth to drunkenness--ergo1  
moderate drinking    is an immoral      
practice4 ,he does not at all judge     
those who do not see it2 only says they 
ought to    accept light and knowledge1 
and he cannot doubt    what would then  
be the result4      #ajth ,mo4 #agth4   
,the above talk with ,j4 ,teare was    a
 great satisfaction to me2 we went that 
evening to    his meeting1 and after two
 hours of deep interest in    a crowded 
meeting ,i signed the pledge1 with a    
hand    trembling with emotion4 ,i could
 not trust myself to    tell ,s4 that   
the pleasure he expressed was but a     
faint    reflection of mine4 ,i have    
been expending two days    in a letter  
to the ,friend on ,distillation1 which  
,i    ardently hope to get inserted4    
#aath ,mo4 #c;d4 ,last evening sweetly  
realized in    some degree being in the 
,lord's own hands2 and    this morning  
again enabled to cease from my own      
vain attempts and trust the ,lord4 ,oh1 
the folly of    the long trials ,i have 

made to do something1 when ,i    come   
before ,him6 ,it is all in vain4 ,if ,i 
am ever    saved it will be ,his doing1 
,his free grace2 and this    moment can 
,i call ,jesus my ,saviour4 ,on         
,fifth-day    ,i read ,barclay's fifth  
,proposition--pleased and    satisfied  
almost entirely with it4      #abth ,mo4
 #eth4 ,i have got my letter inserted in
    the ,friend2 the editor says my zeal
 has carried me    too far as to means2 
he agrees as to the evil of the         
system4 ,oh that it were seen as it     
deserves6 ,but    how talk of abolition 
by law1 and keep spirit-merchants    in 
the ,church8 ,see ,friend1 vol4 iv4 page
    #bcb4      #abth ,mo4               
#aath4--,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 
,nothing1 ,i think1 loses by its        
foundation    being tried4 ,we see that 
in yet higher things it is needful      
and right often to try whether principle
 is firm2 and1    though sometimes we   
may tremble lest faith should fall    in
 the trial1 perhaps it would be more    

just to fear lest    the trial should   
merely show it already to have fallen4  
,what thou sayest about laying aside    
reasoning is very    true2 but how hard 
to do so6 ,saul's armor doubtless it    
is1 as says the little tract4 ,how easy1
 comparatively1 to    let any want go   
unsatisfied1 rather than that imperious 
reason which urges its claim with so    
many good pretences1    which tells us  
truth will always bear investigation1   
and that if we cannot explain by our    
small faculties    experiences in which 
the highest mysteries are involved1     
the experiences must have been          
fallacious6 ,how different    is this   
sort of voluntary and almost            
presumptuous self-investigation    from 
submitting all to the unerring          
touchstone6    ,it is1 indeed1 very     
instructive to observe that our         
,saviour's rejoicing in spirit was not  
over the subjects of    some wondrous   
apocalypse1 or over those endowed with  
miraculous power1 but over babes2 and   

that in the    same way ,his lamentation
 was not that the ,jews had    refused  
,his offers of any thing of this kind1  
but that    they would not be gathered  
by ,him as chickens    under their      
mother's wing4      ,it was the fault of
 my obscure expression1 that when    ,i 
spoke of my painful reason ,i did not   
make it apparent    that ,i meant it of 
the faculty of reason1 which    has been
 a very unquiet occupant of my mind for 
some    years past1 and which has led me
 to the conclusion that    our mental   
atmosphere1 the whole system of         
feelings1    affections1 hopes1 doubts1 
fears1 perplexities1 etc41 is one       
which it is dangerous needlessly and    
wilfully to disturb4    ,when once we   
have carelessly wrought up a storm it is
    not in our own power so quickly to  
lay it1 and the poor    mind is almost  
compelled to endure passively the       
disturbance    till these unruly        
elements spontaneously subside1    or   
something better interferes for its     

help4 ,surely1    if there has been any 
resting-place given us1 if our eyes     
have ever seen the quiet habitation1 we 
ought to fear    the excitement of any  
thing which1 naturally breaks the       
equilibrium4 ,i believe some people     
think imagination    the unruly member  
among the mental parts2 but with    me  
it is the aforesaid offender decidedly4 
,i hope ,i do    not tease thee about   
teetotalism3 it lies near my heart1     
and has done so for a long time2 and    
though ,i too find    it an effort      
sometimes to give up an evening to a    
meeting    of that sort1 it is such a   
comfort to be able to do any thing    to
 show on which side ,i am1 that ,i think
 ,i ought not to    mind that4      #ast
 ,mo4 #dth1 #ahdg4 ,yesterday1 and the  
day before1    gently blest in spirit   
with having things placed more    in    
their right position in my heart than   
for some    time before4 ,one evening ,i
 had toiled long in vain1    could not  
overcome a sad sense of spiritual       

deficiency4    ,it occurred to me that  
this might be the very best    thing for
 me3 then ,i opened my heart and        
welcomed    it2 and1 oh1 how did a smile
 of compassion beam    upon me1 and the 
grace that would not be purchased       
came in full and free6 ,but it is       
infinitely important    to watch for    
more4    ,thus experiencing both how to 
be abased and how to abound1 she        
learned to be satisfied with poverty1   
and recognized in barrenness1  as well  
as in richness of joy and love1 a       
guiding and purifying grace1  leading on
 to the perfect life in ,christ4        
#ast ,mo4 #ajth4 ,letter to ,m4,b4      
99 99 99 ,oh for that simple faith which
 thou speaks    of as mastering         
mountains of difficulty1 and that not by
    might or power1 but by its          
intrinsically victorious    nature6 ,i  
have sometimes been struck by the way in
    which this is asserted in the text1 
,this is the victory    which overcometh
 the world1 even our faith4 ,it is      

taken for granted that there will be a  
contest and a    victory2 but if there  
is true faith the world will certainly  
be overcome3 ,i mean provided the faith 
is held fast4 ,it    may be abandoned1  
or foes within may betray the           
citadel2 but it will not otherwise yield
 to pressure from    without4 ,may we1  
if possible1 encourage one another      
not to let go that small1 and1 it may   
be1 famishing and    almost expiring    
confidence1 which hath1 not only is     
promised1    great recompense of reward4
 ,i little thought to    come to any    
thing so encouraging when beginning a   
sort    of lamentation over myself4 ,but
 really there is so    much that is     
deceptive in the deceptive heart2 so    
many    things1 even our humility1 that 
we once thought of the    right kind1   
turn out to have been some refined      
manifestation    of spiritual pride1    
that we may daily find1 at least    ,i  
do1 that the question ,who can cure it8 
follows its    judgment as desperately  

wicked1 with emphasis full    as great  
as that of ,who can know it8 is prompted
 by    the discovery that it is         
deceitful above all things4      99 99  
99 ,job ,thomas's death-bed has long    
been an    interesting one to me2 and ,i
 think his parting address1             
especially seeing it is a translation   
from ,welsh1 conveys    remarkably the  
impression of a mind beginning to be    
shone upon from the other world4 ,on the
 other hand1    death-beds of opposite  
characters1 such as ,altamont    in     
,murray's ,power of ,religion1 carry a  
no less convincing    evidence of the   
dark realities to come4 ,when    my     
father was in ,america he was much      
interested with    hearing from a       
friend1 a female connection of whom had 
lived in the house with ,tom ,payne1    
some account of the    last hours of    
that wretched man1 who appears to have  
become so fully sensible of his fatal   
errors as to have    written a          
recantation1 which some of his infidel  

friends    destroyed4 ,the account they 
gave to ,cobbett was entirely    false2 
as the friend related that he expressed 
to    her the greatest sorrow for the   
harm that he had done1    and1 on       
hearing that she had burned some of his 
books1    he expressed a wish that all  
had done the same4#b      ,footnote #b3 
,for a farther account see ,life of     
,stephen ,grellet1    vol4 i4 p4 #afc1  
,amer4 edit4      99 99 99 ,total       
abstinence1 as well as many other good  
,causes1 and the good cause1 have lost a
 noble advocate in    our honored and   
lamented friend ,j4,j4 ,ghirney4 ,it is 
hard to reconcile one's mind to so      
sudden a summons2    so little time for 
his sorrowing friends to receive those  
ever valuable and precious legacies1    
dying sayings4    ,we have heard of     
nothing of that kind2 and perhaps he    
was not conscious of the approach of    
death at all4 ,so    much the brighter1 
doubtless1 the glad surprise of the     
transition4 ,oh1 how one longs for      

permission to look    in at heaven's    
opened door-way after the entrance of   
such souls6        #ast ,mo4 #bc;d4     
,to-day1 writing rhyming ,irish1        
appeal4 ,it got the upper hand and made 
me sin--so    unhappy about it4 ,when ,i
 believe sincerely    desiring to offer 
it up to the ,lord's1 will1 ,i grew     
easy to continue it4 ,perhaps it was a  
selfish and    self-pleasing influence1 
but ,i think not so4 ,i felt    very    
glad afterwards to be able to ask to    
have all    my heart consecrated by the 
,lord's spirit2 and ,i do    believe    
that to rectify1 not extinguish1 the    
beat of    oar facilities1 is religion's
 work4      ,this appeal on behalf of   
the poor ,irish was    never made       
public4 ,it had occupied her    thoughts
 very deeply1 and1 had she seen fit to  
publish it1 might have been an auxiliary
 to the    material efforts on behalf of
 the sufferers in    which she1 in      
common with many others at that         
period1 was warmly engaged4      ,many  

visits to poor people4 ,in some ,i felt 
able    to talk to them of heavenly     
things4 ,i believe it is    right to    
speak in love and interest1 but never to
 out-strip    our feelings4 ,i was sick1
 and ye visited me1    refers to a duty2
 and surely1 when we are blessed    with
 a knowledge of the way of salvation1   
and feel    anxious for the salvation of
 others1 it is right to do    our       
endeavors2 at the same time well knowing
 that    ,god only can touch the heart4 
,i believe that indifference    and     
indolence do much shelter themselves    
under pretence of leaving ,god's work to
 ,himself4    ,i have often learned     
salutary lessons in doing my    little4 
#b;d ,mo4 #aith4 ,i have been musing    
upon my    sorrow was stirred4 ,can it  
be that every heart is a    treasury of 
sadness which has but to be stirred up  
to set us in mourning8 ,is it           
proportionate to the    amount of evil8 
,does a certain amount of evil          
necessarily bring a certain amount of   

sorrow soon or    late8 ,do we suffer   
only by our own fault1 unless    a grief
 is actually inflicted upon us8 ,i think
 not4    ,there may be mental storms1   
over-castings of cloud    in the mind's 
hemisphere1 independent of the          
exhalations    from the soil4      #b;d 
,mo4 #bc;d4 ,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99
 99 ,the truth is1 that ,i was once     
fonder of reading    than of almost any 
thing else4 99 99 99 ,i don't    know   
how to tell thee about the strangely sad
 impression    that has followed1 that  
this also is vanity4 ,i    know it is   
our duty to improve our minds1 and ,i   
wish    much that mine had been better  
cultivated than it has    been1 and yet 
some utilitarian infirmity of mind has  
so    often suggested1 ,what use is it8 
while ,i have been    reading1 that my  
zest for the book has been almost       
destroyed1    and the very thought of   
the volume has been    saddened by      
remembering what ,i felt while reading  
it4    ,so that what ,e4 ,barrett says  

of light reading is true to    me of    
,schiller and some others3--      ,merry
 books once read for pastime1      ,if  
we dared to read again1    ,only        
memories of the last time1      ,would  
swim darkly up the brain4      ,i hope  
these feelings are not infectious1 or ,i
 certainly    would not inflict on thee 
the description4 ,but do not    take    
this as a general picture of me4 ,it is 
a morbid    occasional state of things2 
consequent1 by reaction1 on    the      
exclusiveness of aim with which those   
things were    followed4 ,i learned     
sooner than ,i suppose many do1    the  
earnestness1 coldness1 reality of life2 
and there has    come an impression of  
its being too late to prepare for       
life1 and quite time to live4 ,however  
imperfectly1 ,i have    learned that to 
live ought to be to prepare to die2 but1
    without stopping to describe how    
that idea has acted1 a    secondary     
purpose of being of some use to others  
has4 ,i    might almost say1 tormented  

my faculty of conscientiousness4        
,don't suppose that this is any evidence
 of religion    or love4 ,i believe it  
rather argues the contrary4 ,every      
attempt to do good ought to spring      
naturally from love    to ,god and man2 
not from a wish merely to attain our    
beau-ideal of duty4 ,now1 though ,i so  
much like reading1    ,i did not seem   
able to make any use of it2 for         
strangely confused were long my ideas of
 usefulness1    and there has followed  
many a conflict between these    two    
unsanctified tendencies4 ,perhaps they  
have done    some good in chastening    
each other and chastening their         
owner4 ,do not think ,i prospered in    
either1 for ,i have1    as ,i said1 a   
poor memory2 and then ,i wanted to see  
fruits of my labors1 and spent a great  
deal of time in    making charts2 one of
 the history of empires1 one of    the  
history of inventions and discoveries2  
the latter1    especially1 was not worth
 the labor4 ,i have had a taste    of   

many things1 and yet1 to speak honestly1
 excel in    hardly any thing3 the      
reason of this is partly a great    want
 of order4 ,i never attempted any thing 
like a    course of reading3 but1 when  
,i began a book1 the    book was the    
object more than my own real            
improvement4    ,i read often ,d4,e4,f41
 before ,i had read ,a4,b4,c41    and so
 grew confused1 and then1 if it is to be
 confessed1    the childish pride of    
having read a book was not without      
its influence4 ,poetry in modern times  
has certainly    become diluted in      
strength and value2 but1    though ,i   
have not at all a large acquaintance1 ,i
 think    there are many good modern    
poets4 ,i much admire    ,wordsworth's  
,intimations of ,immortality1 as well as
    many of his shorter and simpler     
pieces--,the ,longest    ,day1 for      
instance4 ,there is a great deal of good
    instruction1 as well as deep        
thought1 in his poetry2 but    there is 
not1 ,i think1 very clearly an          

evangelical spirit2    indeed1 the      
,excursion1 which is beautiful1 is      
unsatisfactory    to me in this respect4
 ,longfellow ,i think not    clearly    
influenced by religious principle1 but  
,i do not    see any thing contrary to  
it4 ,some of his short pieces    are    
like little gems1--so beautifully cut1  
too4 ,elizabeth    ,barrett's ,browning 
deep thoughts1 rich poetical ideas1     
and thoroughly satisfactory principles1 
when they appear1    #ahdf make her a   
great favorite with me and with us      
all4 ,even her fictions1 though so well 
told1 are not    wrought up1 or full of 
romantic incident2 but the tale    is   
plainly used merely as a thread on which
 to string    rich thoughts and lessons4
 ,how much this is the case    with the 
,lay of the ,brown ,rosary6 ,even the   
sad    pieces1 such as the ,lost ,bower1
 end generally with a    gleam of light1
 not from a mere meteor of passion or   
sentiment1 but from a day-spring of     
,christian hope4    ,perhaps ,i am too  

partial1 for ,i know that taste1 which  
in    me is particularly gratified with 
,e4 ,barrett1 will influence    our     
judgment4 ,some of ,trench's poems1 too1
 ,i think1    are worth learning2 his   
,walk in the ,churchyard ,i             
particularly like4      #c;d ,mo4 #beth4
 ,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,but1  
oh1 ,i do believe that if people did but
    accustom themselves to view small   
things as parts of    large1 moments as 
parts of life1 intellects as parts of   
men1    lives as parts of eternity1     
religion would cease to be the    mere  
adjunct which it now is to many4 99 99  
99 ,i am    convinced that till it be   
made the one object of our    earnest   
love and endeavors1 till we have an     
upright    heart1 till the leader of the
 fir-tree points direct to    heaven1   
and all lateral shoots not merely       
refrain from    interfering1 but mainly 
grow in order to support1 nourish1      
and minister to it1 we shall never have 
that perfect    peace1 that rest of     

spirit1 that power to breathe           
freely1--conscious that we are as if not
 all that we    ought to be1--which     
constitute the happiness of a           
,christian4 ,but enough of this3 don't  
think ,i pretend    to any such         
attainment1 though ,i can sometimes say1
 ,i    follow after4      ,i much       
admired that part of ,jane ,taylor's    
,remains    which describes her cheerful
 and unmurmuring    acceptance of a     
humble quiet life1 and her dislike of   
mere show and machinery in benevolence4 
,i do not    think the best public      
characters are those who accept         
formally1 and for its own sake1 a       
prominent station1 but    those who1    
following their individual duty1 and    
occupying    their peculiar gifts1 are  
thereby made honorable in the    earth4 
,to them1 ,i fancy1 publicity is often  
an accident    of small moment2 and they
 who walk in the light of    heaven mind
 little whether earthly eyes regard or  
disregard    them4 ,i do not1 however1  

covet for any one whom    ,i love a     
conspicuous path4 ,there must be many   
thorns    and snares4      #dth ,mo4    
#dth4 ,much interested with ,hester     
,rogers's life4 ,the ,methodist standard
 of holiness is    full as high as      
,friends'--viz4 the gospel standard4    
,struck with the accordance with ,g4    
,fox's experience4    ,he was asked if  
he had no sin1 and answered1 ,jesus     
,christ had put away his sin1 and in    
,him 7,jesus7 is    no sin4 ,this was a 
young man4 ,he grew much    afterwards1 
doubtless1 in faith and knowledge4 ,what
    would be thought of a person1       
especially young1 who    should profess 
so much now8 ,is the gospel changed8    
,it is1 or we lack faith in its         
principle4 ,we do not    perseveringly  
seek1 determinately seek1 to know for   
ourselves what this high attainment is4 
,nice visit at the ,union on ,first-day4
 ,congregation    enlarged1             
notwithstanding substitution of ,bible  
for ,tract1 and very quiet4 ,cornelius1 

a helpless sick    man1 seeming near    
death1 melted my heart with his    talk4
 ,i felt quite unfit to be called a     
sister by    such a saint4      #dth    
,mo4 #ajth4 ,to have had much forgiven  
is1    ,i can joyfully yet reverently   
record this evening1 my    blessed      
portion2 and in the sense1 which as a   
cloud    of warmth and light now dwells 
in my heart1 of the    loving-kindness  
and tender mercy of ,god in ,christ     
,jesus1 ,i have been ready to say1 in   
effect1 ,bless the    ,lord1 ,o my soul1
 and all that is within me1 bless his   
holy name1 who forgiveth all thine      
iniquities1    who healeth all thy      
diseases1 who redeemeth thy life    from
 destruction1 who crowneth thee with    
loving-kindness    and tender mercies4  
,how is all given me    gratis1 without 
money and without price6 ,nothing    is 
mine but confusion of face for my       
oft-repeated    rebellions4      ,oh1 it
 is not that we can get salvation for   
ourselves2    it is that we hinder not1 

refuse not1 turn not    from1 but       
accept1 wait for1 pant for the free gift
 of    our ,saviour's grace4 ,to ,him   
who is able to do    exceeding          
abundantly1 the work belongs4 ,he can   
cause that even as sin hath reigned1 so 
shall grace    reign2 and that as death 
hath triumphed1 so shall    spiritual   
and eternal life triumph also4 ,amen and
    amen4      #dth ,mo4 #agth4 ,how    
short-lived were the feelings    ,i     
recorded at the close of last week6 ,i  
believe an    earnest talk with a chatty
 caller on minor matters1    recalled my
 heart that same evening from its happy 
abiding-place4 ,i have thought of the   
words1 ,jesus    ,christ the end of your
 conversation1 and fear he is    but a  
by-end of mine4 ,it is hard to analyze  
our    feelings3 perhaps when discomfort
 from excitement    and discontent is   
greatest1 my sin is no greater than     
when in listless apathy and             
earthly-mindedness my    thoughts are   
bounded by the seen and the temporal4   

#eth ,mo4 #bdth4 ,a solemn warning from 
,uncle ,r4    on ,fifth-day did me good4
 ,i was blessed with some    degree of  
ability to use the words1 ,into ,thy    
hands    ,i commit my spirit1 and though
 ,i feared to add1    ,thou hast        
redeemed me1 ,o ,lord of truth1 in its  
full sense1 yet ,i have felt how        
precious were the    words1 as unto a   
faithful ,creator4 ,oh1 does ,he    not 
say in these days1 ,open thy mouth wide1
 and ,i    will fill it8 ,is ,his hand  
shortened at all8 ,can    we not have   
faith in our principles8    ,the        
following lines were written about this1
 time1 in allusion to the  marriage of  
her eldest1 sister1 and the funeral of  
,john ,wadge1 an old  and valued friend 
of the family4 ,it was hoped that the   
cactus which  had belonged to ,j4,w4    
would have blossomed in time for the    
wedding2 but  the first flower only     
opened a fortnight afterwards1 on the   
morning of  his own funeral3 and when1  
in a few years1 the marriage of the     

beloved  writer of the lines was so     
speedily followed by her own decease1   
the  striking appropriateness of these  
touching verses could not fail to be    
remembered4      ,,to ,a ,,cactus       
,,flower4        ,firstling blossom6    
gayly spreading      ,on a long-nursed  
household tree1    ,what unwonted spell 
is shedding      ,thought of grief on   
bloom of thee8      ,for a morning      
bright and tender      ,they had nursed 
thee glad and fond2    ,nay1 the bud    
reserved its splendor      ,for a       
funeral scene beyond4      ,who shall   
tell us which were meeter1--            
,marriage morn1 or funeral day8    ,what
 if nature chose the sweeter1           
,where her blooming gift to lay8        
,set in thorns that flower so tender6   
,marriage days have poignant hours2     
,thorny stem1 thou hast thy splendor6   
,funeral days have also flowers4        
,and the loftiest hopes man nurses1     
,never deem them idly born2    ,never   
think that deathly curses      ,blight  

them on a funeral morn4      ,buds of   
their perennial nature      ,need a     
region where to blow1    ,where the     
stalk has loftier stature      ,than it 
reaches here below4      ,not like us   
they dread the bosom      ,of chill     
earth's sepulchral gloom2    ,they will 
find them where to blossom1      ,and   
perhaps select a tomb4      ,yes1 a     
tomb2 so thou mayst deem it1      ,with 
regretful feelings fond2    ,not a tomb1
 however1 seems it1      ,if thou       
know'st to look beyond4                 
#ajth of #gth ,month1 #ahdg4      #hth  
,mo4 #hth4 ,we alone4 ,pleasant and     
quiet    schemes have arisen 7partly    
from reading ,pyecroft1    partly from  
having felt so much my own deficiencies7
    for thoroughly industrious study1   
and for keeping1 if    possible1        
externals and mentals in more order4    
,order1    ,i believe1 would enable me  
to do much more than ,i    do in this   
way1 without lessening those little good
    works which my natural1 unsanctified

 conscience    requires as a sedative2  
7alas that this is so nearly    all67   
but ,i have got such an impression of   
selfishness    in sitting down to read  
to myself1 that this1 added to          
unsettlement from company1 etc41 almost 
puts study    out of sight4      #hth   
,mo4 #afth4 ,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99
 99 ,though not only inability for1 but 
even    natural repugnance to good      
thoughts is often a prominent           
feeling1 let us not think this a        
discouraging    experience4 ,what will  
be discouraged by it1 except    that    
self-confidence and self-reliance which 
are the bane1    the very opposite1 to  
the idea of faith8 ,surely it is for    
want of such a feeling1 and not because 
of it1 that faith    is feeble4 ,it is  
because we try to make those good       
thoughts and holy feelings of which     
,thomas ,charles    says so truly1 we   
are no more capable than we are of      
creating worlds4 ,i hope ,i do not      
presume too much in    writing thus4    

,how little can ,i say of the blessings 
of a    contrary state6 ,but how much   
would my heart's history    tell of the 
exceeding vanity and folly1 and may ,i  
not add    presumption1 of attempting to
 do what ,divine grace alone    can do6 
,how many a painful and gloomy hour     
might    have been cheered by the ,sun  
of ,righteousness1 but for    my        
obstinacy in trying to light farthing   
candles6 ,but    ,i believe there are   
generally other obstacles at the same   
time4 ,we will have some beloved        
indulgence1 some    pleasures1 of which 
perhaps the will is the chief sin1      
and which1 if but willingly resigned1   
might be    reconsecrated for our use   
and enjoyment2 and then darkness    and 
gloominess of mind follow1 and we light 
matches    and farthing candles to      
comfort us1 while these very            
resources keep us back from seeking the 
radical remedy4    ,how easy it is to   
write or tell the diagnosis of such a   
case6 but to be reconciled to the true  

mode of treatment1    the prognosis1 as 
doctors say1 there is the difficulty1   
while    ,i doubt not ,cowper speaks the
 truth3--        ,were half the breath  
thus vainly spent      ,to heaven in    
supplication sent1      ,your cheerful  
song would oftener be1      ,hear what  
the ,lord hath done for me4      ,i have
 been much interested with ,thomas      
,charles's    life2 such an example of  
spiritual-mindedness1 faith1 and        
love4 ,dr4 ,payson's death-bed is indeed
 a deeply interesting    history4 ,how  
we should all like to choose such    an 
one6 and yet1 if but prepared to go1    
whether we depart    as he did1 or as   
poor ,cowper1 how true are the words    
of the latter1 ,what can it signify8 ,i 
have often thought    these words very  
significant4      ,of phrenology ,i have
 heard such conflicting opinions    that
 only my own small experience would     
satisfy me of    its general truth4 ,i  
think only very weak minds need    be   
led by it to fatalism4 ,the very fact of

 so many propensities    and sentiments 
balancing each other seems to    show   
that the result is to be contingent on  
some other    thing than themselves1 as 
the best-rigged vessel on an            
uncertain sea1 in varying winds1 is     
under the control of    the helmsman and
 captain1 and may be steered right or   
wrong2 and surely no vessel is built by 
an all-wise ,hand    which cannot be    
steered aright with grace at the helm4  
#hth ,mo4 #aith4 ,solemn thoughts       
yesterday in    reading that solemn     
tract1 ,the ,inconvenient ,season4      
,in visiting ,i met with another        
affecting    illustration of the        
unfitness of old age for beginning      
religion1 in the senseless              
self-righteousness of poor    old ,mary 
,n4 ,she says every night and morning   
the    prayers she learned when a child1
 which she evidently    thinks an       
abundant supply of religion1--saying1 if
    people only do the best they have   
been brought up    to1 that is all they 

can need2 and she never did any    harm 
to any one4 ,then there was poor ,alice1
 who1    notwithstanding her rank       
,calvinism1 seemed refreshing    in     
comparison4 ,she knew she could not do  
any    thing for herself2 it was all    
grace2 but then1    whatever ,i am1 or  
whatever ,i do1 she said1 ,i am safe1   
unless ,i have committed gross sin1     
which ,i never    shall4 ,then poor     
,m4,l41 whose only fault1 she seems     
to think1 is not having learned to read1
 though she    knows she is a great     
sinner1 but then as good as says    she 
never did any thing wrong4 ,it was a    
sweet    change to ,e4,s41 with her     
thankful and trustful    spirit1 and    
poor ,s41 with his deep experience in   
the    things of ,god4 ,it is a long    
time to suffer1 he    said1 but the end 
must come1 the time must wear    away4  
,i hope ,i shall have patience to the   
end1 and    ,i have great need to ask   
that the ,lord will have    patience    
with me4 ,i hope ,i shall be fully      

purified    before ,he calls me away4   
,he spoke solemnly on    the tares and  
the wheat1 as showing the mixture of    
good and evil growing together2 that our
 being    outwardly among the righteous 
will not secure our not    being tares4 
#ith ,mo4 #b;d4 ,went to see a poor     
woman at the    ,workhouse2 she is full 
of joy in the hope of heaven1    and    
possession of the present mind of       
,jesus4 ,i said1    ,many wish for it   
who have it not2 she said1    ,perhaps  
they are not enough in earnest3 it costs
 a    few groans1 and struggles1 and    
tears1 but it is sweet    to enjoy it   
now4 ,could the stony heart in me help  
melting1 seeing her exceeding great joy8
      ,pleased with the sweet spirit    
that was in poor    ,alice1 her trust1  
,i think1 in ,christ alone1 amid all her
    7as ,i think7 mistaken thoughts of  
the church1 sacrament1    certain       
perseverance1 c4 c4 ,i did not argue1   
but wished for us both the one          
foundation4    ,of a peculiarly         

sensitive disposition herself1 ,eliza's 
heart abounded  with sympathy for the   
trials and sufferings of the poor4 ,she 
was a  welcome visitor at their         
cottages1 where her kind and gentle     
though  timid manner generally found    
access to their hearts2 and whilst      
herself receiving lessons of instruction
 at the bedside of the sick  and the    
dying1 she was often the means of       
imparting sweet consolation  to them4   
,in her desire to promote the spiritual 
welfare of others1 she wrote  two       
tracts1 which were printed by the ,york 
,friends' ,tract ,association4  ,the    
first is entitled ,richard ,nancarrow1  
or the ,cornish ,miner1 and  traces the 
,christian course of a poor man whom she
 had frequently  visited1 and who had   
claimed her anxious solicitude as she   
watched his  slow decline in            
consumption4 ,in the second1 entitled   
,plain ,words1  she endeavored to convey
 the simplest gospel truths in words    
adapted  to the comprehension of even   

the least educated4 ,she was warmly     
interested in the ,bible ,society1 in   
connection with which1 for some  years1 
she regularly visited a neighboring     
village1 besides attending  to other    
objects of a similar character nearer   
home4      #ith ,mo4 #ajth4 ,letter to  
,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,setting our       
affection above is indeed the    first  
thing of importance2 and yet how utterly
 beyond    our own power6 ,we are so    
enslaved to sense and sight    till ,he1
 who alone is able1 sets us free indeed1
 that    things around us can take that 
disproportionate hold on    our hearts  
which makes work for the light of heaven
 to    reduce things to their proper    
proportion in our view4 ,i    have      
thought often of the text1 ,thy will be 
done on    earth as it is in heaven4    
,oh1 how much that implies1    both of  
love and joyfulness to be aimed at in   
our service    of our heavenly ,father  
on earth4 ,how high a standard6    ,can 
we hope ever to attain it8 ,surely we   

are to ask it1    not as a millennial   
glory for the world only1 7if at all17  
but also as our own individual portion4 
,it is more to be    lamented that we do
 not realize this than that we do not   
realize ,foster's idea of the world to  
come1 in which we1    yes1 we1 our very 
selves1 will be actually concerned4     
,but ,i believe the two deficiencies are
 more connected    than we are sometimes
 aware of2 and perhaps the joys    of a 
happy death-bed1 the foretaste of       
heaven1 of which    we sometimes hear1  
are as much connected with the          
completeness of religious devotedness1  
often not till then    attained1 as with
 the nearness in point of time to a     
world    of purity and joy4 ,how        
striking is the earnestness    shown in 
,john ,fletcher's ,early ,christian     
,experience1    in seeking mastery over 
sin1 not as uncertainly1 or as          
beating the air1 but as one resolved to 
conquer in the    might of that faith   
which is the victory2 and how           

wonderfully was his after-life an       
example of doing the    ,divine will as 
it is in heaven6      #ith ,mo4 #agth4  
,distress in the country great4    ,what
 will all issue in8 ,surely in this1 the
 ,lord    sitteth on the flood2 yea1 ,he
 sitteth ,king forever4    ,oh6 if ,he  
be ,king in our hearts we shall not be  
greatly moved4 ,there is comfort to the 
,christian1    immovable comfort1 in    
having his affections1 his              
patriotism1 in heaven4 ,my own heart1 ,i
 ardently    hope1 is not a totally     
devastated land4 ,there is a    rudiment
 still there which ,god looketh upon1   
and    perhaps1 though ,i know it not1  
his eyes and his    heart are there     
perpetually4 ,it is not meant to        
remain a rudiment3 oh1 no2 as sin hath  
reigned1    even unto death1 so grace   
should yet reign1 even to    eternal    
life4      #ith ,mo4 #bgth4 ,perplexed  
about ,irish knitting1    because it is 
slave-grown cotton4 ,it does not seem   
consistent to buy it2 and yet ,i don't  

know what to    recommend4      #ith    
,mo4 #cjth4 ,another month is at an end4
 ,oh    that ,i knew whereabouts ,i     
stand in the race6 ',tis    a point ,i  
long to know4 ,sometimes ,i have joy of 
heart1 and then ,i tremble lest it be   
not rightly    founded2 sometimes       
tenderness of heart1 and then    ,i fear
 it is only natural feeling2 sometimes  
fervent    desires after good1 and then 
,i fear lest they are only    the result
 of fear of punishment2 sometimes trust 
in    the merits of ,jesus1 and can look
 to ,him as a sacrifice    for sin2 then
 ,i fear lest it is only as an escape   
from danger1 not deliverance from       
present corruption2    sometimes wish to
 fulfil actively my duties1 then        
these same duties have stolen away my   
heart4 ,oh1    how do ,i get cumbered   
with cares and many things1    entangled
 with perplexity1 or elated with cheer6 
,i    think ,i have honestly wished to  
be fed with convenient    food4 ,oh to  
be at the end of the race1 or so    near

 it as dear ,e4 ,stephens1 by whose bed 
of pain    and joy ,i could not but     
mingle tears4 ,but why    thus8 ,surely1
 ,o ,lord1 ,thou hast heard the desire  
of thy poor creature4 ,thy help must    
have been    with me when ,i knew it    
not1 or life had been quite    extinct  
ere now4 ,extinct it is not2 and for    
this will    ,i bless ,thee1 even that  
,i am not yet cast out as an            
abominable branch1 though so unfruitful4
 ,i fear it    can be only by much      
tribulation that the enemy of    my own 
house will ever be quelled2 and perhaps 
salutary    pains are sent1 in the very 
perplexities of things    which might be
 more ensnaring if all went on smoothly4
    ,i have declined more cotton goods  
from ,ireland1 and    asked for woollen1
 which is one burden gone4      #ajth   
,mo4 #gth4 ,i believe study and taste   
must be    kept very subordinate to     
duty4 ,enough1 yea1 heaven    is this1  
to do my ,father's will1 if it were but 
as it is    done in heaven--all willing1

 loving1 joyful service6 ,oh    to be   
more like my ,saviour6 ,surely ,i love  
,him6      #ajth ,mo4 #bjth4 ,if ,martha
 should not have been    cumbered with  
the outward attention to ,christ        
,himself1    cares for others on plea of
 duty can never be    enough excuse for 
a peaceless mind4 ,they which    believe
 do enter into rest4 ,oh for rest this  
hour    in ,jesus' bosom6      #ajth    
,mo4 #bast4 ,this book will present no  
fair    account of my state if ,i write 
only in hours of comfort4    ,i have    
passed through dark and sinful days--no 
hope1 no love4 ,i thought ,i must have  
wearied    out the ,saviour--that ,he   
had given me up for lost4    ,perhaps   
some self was in the feelings described 
in    my last1 and so this faithless    
sorrow came to teach me    what ,i am4  
,oh that nothing impure might mix in    
the consolation which has visited me    
last evening    and this morning1 when  
the gracious regard of my               
all-merciful ,saviour has been          

witnessed1 some blessed    sight of the 
water to cleanse and the blood to       
atone4 ,oh1 how fervently ,i wish to be 
kept by faith    in ,him1 in still      
deepening humility6      #aath ,mo4     
#bgth4 ,what would be my present        
condition but for the unchangeable      
faithfulness of my    ,god and ,saviour8
 ,ah6 how well may ,he say1    ,thou    
hast destroyed thyself1 and yet how     
constantly    add1 but in me is thine   
help4 ,yes1 though    we ofttimes       
believe not1 yet ,he abideth faithful1  
,he    cannot deny ,himself2 and so1    
where there is any    thing of ,his own 
left in a wandering heart1 again    and 
again returns1 upbraiding not1 or else  
only    in accents of the tenderest     
love3 ,o thou of little    faith6 ,often
 have ,i admired not only ,his great    
love as shown in the main features of   
redemption1    but1 if such a word is   
allowable1 ,his minute loving           
kindness4 ,kindness--such a tender      
regard for the    comfort and peace of  

the soul4 ,oh1 the spiritual    sorrows 
are far more from ourselves1 our own    
wilful    work1 than from ,him whose    
language is1 ,i the ,lord    do keep it1
 lest any hurt it4      #abth ,mo4 #dth4
 ,yesterday1 in going to ,plymouth      
with father and mother1 read in my      
,testament of    the ,prodigal ,son4    
,had no time to read before setting     
out1 and was dull4 ,thought it no use to
 take out    the book2 but1 oh1 such a  
sweet contrition came over    me1 such a
 sense of being invited to return to my 
,father's house1 such a soft and gentle 
peace6      #ast ,mo4 #aeth1 #ahdh4 ,on 
the ,first-day before ,n4    and ,f4    
left us1 we had a sweet address 7in     
meeting7    from ,uncle ,rundell1 on the
 grace which had been    his morning    
light1 and which he trusted would be    
his evening song2 ending with his hope  
that all    would be willing to bear the
 cross1 that finally    they might wear 
the crown1 for it is the end that       
crowns the action4 ,we thought it a     

farewell-sermon2    and the joyful      
assurance in which it was uttered is    
precious to think of4 ,on ,third-day he 
walked with    me in the meadow1 but on 
,fourth-day sickness confined    him to 
bed1 and on ,fifth-day he had lost all  
power of standing4 ,since then1 he has  
been a patient    helpless invalid1 and 
constant and most interesting    has    
been our occupation by turns1 in waiting
 on him1    gathering up his really     
precious words1 and witnessing    the   
yet more precious example and evidence  
of    all-sufficient grace4 ,never may  
this season be forgotten    by me1      
though not privileged to witness its    
close4    ,to visit ,f41 ,i left home in
 the ,first month1 after    a farewell  
to our precious uncle1 which is not to  
be    forgotten4 ,he asked me if ,i was 
going the next    day4 ,i said yes1 and 
that ,i was very sorry to leave    him4 
,he said1 ,well1 as thou art enabled1   
pray for    me4 ,i said1 ,and ,i hope   
thou won't forget me4    ,he replied1   

,it is not likely4 ,in the evening1 as  
he sat by the fire1 and spoke of my     
going to ,n4 and    ,f41 he said1       
,desire them1 as they are enabled1 to   
pray that ,i may be favored with        
patience and resignation    to the end4 
,when ,i said ,i must try to bid    him 
farewell1 hard as it was1 he said1 ,may 
the ,lord    go with thee4 ,keep to the 
cross2 despise not the    day of small  
things4 ,the ,lord may see meet to      
employ thee in ,his service1 and ,i wish
 that every gift    that ,he dispenses  
to thee may be faithfully occupied      
with4 ,a loving farewell followed1 and  
,i left--doubtless    for the last      
time--our honored patriarch4      ,at   
,neath ,i spent more than three weeks1  
enjoying    the great kindness of my    
brother and sister1 and    the beauty of
 the country1 then dressed in its winter
    garb1 and the feeling of being in   
some measure useful4    ,i was also     
blessed1 at the beginning of my visit1  
with more than a common portion of      

spiritual blessing2    and ,i think the 
first meeting ,i was at there    was a  
time never to be forgotten--silent2 but 
my    poor soul seemed swallowed up of  
joy and peace such    as ,i had never   
before known1 at least so abidingly4    
,the calmness and peace1 and the daily  
bread1 with    which ,i was blessed in  
my little daily works and    daily      
retirements for some days1 make the time
 sweet    to look back on1 but grievous 
that ,i kept not my    portion1 and     
again wandered from mountain to hill1   
forgetting my resting-place4    ,she    
afterwards accompanied her brother and  
sister to their new home at  ,ipswich4  
,from a letter to one of her sisters4   
,ipswich1 #c;d ,month4      ,my mind has
 been so full of you to-day that1 though
    it is ,first-day evening1 ,i must   
spend a few minutes in    this way      
before ,i go to bed4 ,the thought of    
father's    going homewards to-morrow   
and seeing you all1 seems a    stirring 
up and drawing tight of the interests   

and connecting    bonds of our scattered
 race4 ,oh1 ,i do dearly    love you in 
my inmost heart1--though some of my     
letters    may seem as if ,i had lost   
some home affections to root    amongst 
strangers2 but surely the new scenes of 
life    which ,i have witnessed1 since  
that cold frosty morning    when ,i left
 you1 have tended to make me value more 
than ever that precious treasure of     
household love4 ,oh1    what were life  
without it8 a wilderness indeed6 and    
well is it worth all the pangs which it 
may cost us in    this cold world4 ,it  
is cheering to think of them as         
caused by contact of something warm     
within1 as with    the cold without2 and
 far better it is to bear1 than to be   
cooled down to the temperature of       
earth's raw air4 ,thou    wilt wonder   
perhaps at my writing in this way2 but  
with    me1 though ,i may seem cold and 
dull in the common    way1 there comes a
 day1 every now and then1 when ,i find  
,new depths of love1 in measure         

unsuspected1      ,ties closer than ,i  
knew were round my heart4--      ,and   
though they are saddened by many a      
regret for    neglects and omissions and
 commissions toward you all1    and that
 old petrifying selfishness which only  
grace can    cure1 ,i would not be      
without such days1 and almost    thank  
each wrench which has detected how      
thoroughly    and deeply dear you are4  
,i can hardly tell you what    the      
thought of leaving ,n4 and ,f4 is to me1
 but this dark    day begins to shadow  
itself4      99 99 99 ,poor dear old    
,a4,g46 ,what a change from    her dark 
corner to everlasting day6--but not less
 from a    kingly palace1 if we knew the
 truth2 and her shadowy    abode had    
more light than many a palace1 if we    
knew    the truth of that too4    ,she  
remarks in her ,journal1 after her      
return home3--      ,i stayed at        
,ipswich three weeks after the birth    
of my precious little niece1 ,frances   
,elizabeth2 rejoicing    in her daily   

growth1 and calm trustful               
fearlessness--a    lesson which nothing 
ever preached to    me so loudly before4
 ,respecting my spiritual state    at   
,ipswich1 ,i would say that great       
blessings1 and ,i    would fear great   
ingratitude1 must be acknowledged4      
,some evening hours in my chamber were  
exceeding    sweet1 and some meetings   
solemn indeed4 99 99 99    ,i returned  
in rich and flowing peace4 ,many a      
lesson    ,i had through my four months'
 absence1 but none    like that which   
awaited my return4 ,my father met    me 
at ,plymouth2 we reached home about     
eleven    o'clock at night1 and went at 
once to the chamber1    where four      
months previously ,i last heard the     
voice    of my uncle1 and1 though he    
still breathed1 ,i was    not to hear it
 again4 ,he had sunk gradually for      
weeks1 and now1 though his lips moved a 
little1 a    word could not be heard4   
,his face was sunk and    pallid1 his   
breathing uneasy1 and his eyes were     

closed4    ,after a short time we left1 
and at four o'clock in the    morning1  
without a struggle1 his spirit passed   
quietly    away to his eternal          
inheritance4 ,they that turn    many to 
righteousness shall shine as the stars  
for    ever and ever4 ,i never1 ,i      
believe1 shall forget how    forcibly   
came to my mind1 as ,i sat beside his   
lifeless    form1 the words1 ,to this   
end ,christ both died1 and    rose1 and 
revived1 that ,he might be ,lord both of
    the dead and the living1 and my     
thoughts turned    on many a solemn and 
blessed trust implied in them4    ,her  
uncle1 ,samuel ,rundell1 died on the    
#dth of #eth ,month1 #ahdh1 at the  age 
of eighty-five4 ,in the ,annual ,monitor
 for the following year is  a short     
,memoir of his life4    ,it had been for
 some years a frequent occupation with  
,eliza1 together  with her sisters and  
cousins1 to spend the long winter       
evenings with  her aged uncle and aunt1 
and after the decease of the former     

these  attentions were more constantly  
needed by the survivor4 ,it was         
striking to notice ,eliza's cheerful    
alacrity to relinquish1 when her  turn  
came round1 her favorite pursuits1 often
 for some weeks together1  in order to  
comfort and enliven the declining days  
of this aged  relative4      #gth ,mo4  
--th4 ,my mental condition a quiet but  
not painless one4 ,i had been much      
favored1 though    in pain and trouble1 
amidst which ,i had a kind note    from 
,j4,t41 who says1 ,when at ,liskeard1   
and since1    ,i have believed that it  
might be said unto thee1 ',the          
,master is come1 and calleth for thee2' 
and ,i wish1 if    thou hast been made  
sensible of this1 it may be thy    very 
earnest concern to sit at ,his feet in  
great humility    of mind1 that thou    
mayst hear from season to    season the 
gracious words that may proceed as out  
of ,his mouth4 ,it may be that in the   
ordering of    ,his gracious designs1   
,he may see fit1 as ,he has done    with

 many others1 to allure thee and bring  
thee into    the wilderness2 but ,i have
 no doubt that ,he will    also give    
thee vineyards from thence1 and thou    
wilt    be made sensible that indeed it 
is ,his own right    arm that has and   
will bring salvation unto thee          
,though at present incapable of feeling 
as ,i have    done1 yet1 being desirous 
of finishing up my ,journal1    ,i must 
acknowledge that great and gracious have
    been the dealings of my heavenly    
,father with me1    causing me to       
rejoice in ,him who has done for me     
exceeding abundantly above all that ,i  
could ask    or think1 chiefly in the   
way1 which ,i have found a    very      
blessed way1 of enabling me to give up  
my own    will to ,his1 and to be       
subject in things little and    great to
 ,himself4 ,as far as ,i have known the 
yoke    of ,christ1 it is indeed a sweet
 and easy yoke2 and    the chiefest     
sorrow which ,i have found during my    
endeavor to bear it has been from my    

aptness to    throw it off4 ,the worst  
of snares are the most    secret4       
,we are now quietly and unexcitedly at  
home2 and    ,i wish industriously to do
 my little duties1 and follow    my     
little callings3 of these the ,workhouse
 women supply    one of the most        
satisfactory to myself4 ,they are a     
sad sight2 but ,i feel that my small    
labors with them    are not rejected1   
but desired1 and ,i hope to a few at    
least they may be of some use4 ,on      
,first-days ,i now    first read a short
 tract1 then read in the ,testament     
two or three chapters1 verse by verse1  
with the women1    then hear them say   
hymns1--which three or four learn       
gladly3 this fills the hour4 ,and once  
in a week ,i like    to go in and try to
 teach those who cannot read4 ,i    have
 much felt1 lately1 that it is vain to  
try as a mere    satisfaction to        
conscience to do these things1 because  
we ought3 it must be from a better      
motive--true    keeping of the first and

 great commandment1 and    the second1  
which is like unto it4 ,no busy doings  
at home or abroad will ever do instead4 
#hth ,mo4 #eth4 #gth-,day4 ,i must in   
thankfulness record    free and great   
mercies this week4 ,first-day was    a  
happy one4 ,in the morning rain and a   
cough kept    me at home4 ,i read the   
crucifixion and resurrection    in      
different ,evangelists1 and cannot tell 
how meltingly    sweet it was4 ,surely  
,i did love ,jesus then because    ,he  
had first loved me4 ,sundry sweet       
refreshing    brooks have flowed by my  
wayside1 and some dry lonely    paths ,i
 have trodden1 7since17 but think ,he   
who is    alone the foundation and      
corner-stone1 immovable    and          
undeceiving1 has become more precious4  
,oh1 how    shall ,i be enough careful  
to trust him alone8 ,i have    got on a 
little with ,gibbon's ,rise and ,fall1  
and have    begun ,neander on the       
,emperors1 finished one volume    of    
,goethe with ,l41 and begun ,milton with

 ,m41 and    ,english history with ,r4  
#ith ,mo4 #b;d4 ,the week tolerably     
satisfactory2 but    how truly may we   
say1 ,a day in thy courts is better     
than a thousand6 ,this evening's        
unexpected1 unsought1    unasked1 free1 
gratuitous mercy has made the    last   
two hours worth more than some whole    
days of    this week4 ,oh1 how kind is  
,he who knows how to    win back and    
attract to ,himself by imparting        
ineffable    desires after what is good1
 even to a heart that has    grown dry  
and dead and worldly6 ,i have thought   
that some measure of our growth in grace
 may be found    in the degree in which 
our carnal natural reluctance    to     
receive ,christ back into our vessel1   
come how ,he    may1 is diminished4 ,how
 full of significance is the    inquiry1
 ,to whom is the arm of the ,lord       
revealed8    ,blessed revelation2 and   
well is it for those who feel    ready  
to adopt the prayer1 ,awake1 awake1 ,o  
arm of    the ,lord1 if they know the   

way of its coming4 ,oh1    how does its 
acceptance presuppose an experience of  
something of the kind1 so awfully set   
forth as from    ,omnipotence           
,himself6--,i looked1 and there was no  
man1 therefore mine own arm brought     
salvation unto    me4 ,yes1 it is when  
,he sees that we have no human          
expectance or confidence left1 and are1 
as it were1    at our wits' end2 it is  
then that ,his own arm brings           
salvation1 that ,he says1 ,stand still1 
and see the salvation    of ,god2 for   
the ,lord shall fight for you1 and ye   
shall hold your peace4 ,oh1 how great   
the condescension    which has given me 
a glimpse of so great    salvation6 ,but
 ,i have remarked that it never has     
been in answer to any questionings or   
searchings of    my own4 ,some great    
perplexities ,i have had lately1        
being so unable to satisfy myself how   
far religion or    its duties should be 
the act of ourselves--so confused       
about prayer1 etc4 ,difficulties1 hardly

 capable to be put    into words1 put me
 in real distress2 but the good seems   
to be revealed1 if ,i may use such a    
word1 to another    part of me2 or1 as  
,i4 ,pennington would say1 to    another
 eye and ear than those which are so    
curious    to learn4 ,the ,lord grant   
that ,i may at last become    an        
obedient and truly teachable child2 for 
that faculty1    whatsoever it be1 that 
asks vociferously1 seems not to    be   
the one which1 as ,i4,p4 says1          
graspingly receives1    but is rather a 
hinderance to its reception4      #ajth 
,mo4 #adth4 ,outwardly1 the chief       
variety in my    experience has been an 
interesting visit with my    mother at  
,kingsbridge and ,totness4 ,a solitary  
walk    in the garden at ,totness1 on   
,first-day afternoon1 ,i    think ,i can
 never forget4 ,no sunshine--though not 
mere darkness--was upon me during nearly
 all the    week3 yet ,i wondered to    
find that at ,kingsbridge1    though    
visiting was a constant self-denial1 in 

withdrawing    me from the earnest      
search in which ,i was    engaged1 ,i   
got on more easily than common1 and felt
    much more love than usual to my     
friends4 ,the first    gleam of sunshine
 did not come through any man's    help1
 but in my lone matin the day after our 
return4    ,i tried to cast my care on  
,god1 and on ,seventh-day    morning was
 favored with a blessed evidence that   
,he    did care for me4 ,since then it  
has not been repeated2    but earnest   
have been my cries in secret to my      
heavenly    ,father1 whose mercies      
indeed are great2 and    my lonely hours
 have been employed mostly in seeking   
,him1 having little taste for reading of
 any general    kind4 ,one morning in   
particular1 at ,trevelmond1 in    the   
plantation1 waiting for my father1 was  
my heart    poured out to ,god4         
,calmness has often succeeded2    and   
then ,i dread the coming of indifference
 and coolness4    ,oh1 this is surely   
the worst of states6 ,i had    rather   

endure almost any amount of anguish4    
,yesterday1 the probability that my     
course on earth    may be short occurred
 forcibly4 ,i recurred to the    words  
quoted by ,j4,t41 ,the sting of death is
 sin1    with encouragement to hope for 
the victory4 ,however1    the future is 
not my care4 ,may ,i be the care    of  
,him whose care the future is1 and      
then----      #ajth ,mo4 #bb;d4 ,at home
 with a cold1 and may    just record my 
poor spirit's lowness and poverty       
amid1 as ,i trust1 its honest desires to
 become wholly    the ,lord's4 ,ye ask1 
and have not1 because ye ask    amiss1  
that ye may consume it upon your lusts1 
is    surely true of spiritual food4 ,we
 should desire it    that we may grow   
thereby1 not from mere spiritual        
voluptuousness2 and1 oh1 in my own      
desires for the    will of ,god to be   
done1 how often have ,i not known       
what spirit ,i was of6 ,how often have  
,i been tenaciously    standing on the  
very ground that ,i was asking    to    

have broken up and destroyed6 ,a short  
lone    meeting in the parlor1 blest    
chiefly with humiliation1    and this ,i
 would regard as a blessing4            
,letter to ----4      ,i am tempted to  
spend a few lonely minutes in thanking  
thee for thy truly kind salutation1     
advice1 and encouragement2    though ,i 
fear to say much in reply4 ,i hope      
and trust thou art not altogether       
mistaken in me3 in one    respect ,i    
know thou art not1--that ,i have seen of
 the    mercy and love of a             
long-suffering ,saviour1 whom ,i do     
at times desire to love and serve with  
all my heart2 and    not the least of   
,his blessings ,i esteem it that any of 
,his    children should care for me for 
,his sake4 ,i dread depending    on any1
 even of these1 which1 as well as the   
fear    of man1 ,i have found does bring
 a snare2 and as far as    experience   
goes1 ,i seem to have tasted more of the
 tree    of the knowledge of good and   
evil than of the tree    of life2 which1

 however1 ,i would fain hope1 yielding  
its fruit every month1 has some for the 
wintry season    of darkness and of     
frost4 ,yes1 my dear friend1 thou hast  
rightly judged in this also1 that the   
winter is sometimes    very cold1 and   
the night very dark4 ,may thy desires   
for me be accomplished1 that these may  
indeed work for    my good2 much as the 
utter absence of feeling would          
sometimes tempt me to think it the      
result of that worst    of all          
sentences1 ,let her alone2 to which the 
added    memories of many a mercy cast  
away are very ready    to contribute4   
,am ,i in this repining8 ,i hope not2   
for    every day brings fresh cause to  
acknowledge that because    my enemies1 
though lively and strong1 do not        
quite triumph over me1 therefore ,i may 
still trust that    ,he favoreth me4 ,it
 is seldom that ,i write or speak in    
this    way of myself4 ,may we learn    
more and more of the    utter           
insufficiency of any earthly thing1 or  

of any power    of our own to do what is
 essential for our salvation1 and       
then1 when we hang solely and entirely  
on the ,lord    ,jesus1 we shall be     
safe4 ,of this ,i feel no doubt or      
fear3--the    fear is of having         
confidence in any thing besides1 of     
spiritual pride1 of self-sufficiency4   
,yes1 ,i find self    has many lives1   
and the very sorrows and humiliations   
of one day1 if we do not beware1 may    
become the idols    of the next4 ,we    
have eaten and drunk in thy presence3   
can such a language ever be used in     
vain-glory1    while we remember the    
wormwood and the gall1 which    we now  
see to have been administered in        
fulfilment of    ,his own words1 ,ye    
shall indeed drink of my cup8           
,indeed1 it seems to me that nothing is 
too high1 too good1    or too pure for  
,satan to make use of1 if he can but get
    us and it into his hands4 ,may the  
,lord be pleased to    rebuke this      
devourer for our sakes1 and give at     

length to    the often-desponding heart 
to know that ,himself hath    promised1 
when the wicked are cut off1 thou shalt 
see    it1 and that the ,god of peace   
shall bruise ,satan under    our feet4  
#abth ,mo4 #dth ,to the same4      99 99
 99 ,i am sorry for thy physical state1 
yet doubtless    it is but the inverted 
image of a counterbalancing    mental   
good1 which is1 or is about to be1      
perhaps to signify    that        ,god  
doth not need      ,either man's works  
or ,his own gifts2 who best      ,bear  
,his mild yoke1 they serve ,him best2   
,they also serve who only stand and     
wait4      ,it is surely not for the    
value of the service itself1 that    ,he
 calls for it so long and so repeatedly1
 till at last the    iron sinew gives   
way3 no1 but for the sake of bending    
the iron sinew itself1 and when it is   
bent in one direction1    ,i conclude   
,he does not mean to stiffen it there1  
but    would have it bend perhaps back  
to the very same position    as at first

 it was so hard to bend it from1 with   
this    one wide difference1 that in the
 first case it was so in its    own     
will1 but now in ,his will4 ,perhaps    
thou thinkest ,i    am darkening        
counsel3 ,i do not wish to do so1 but   
write    just how things have happened  
to me in my small way4    ,ought we not 
to be willing to be bent or unbent any  
way8 and if a bow is to abide in        
strength1 it must be    unbent when it  
is not wanted4 ,but as we have all      
different    places to fill1 and        
different dispositions and snares1      
and besetments1 we must not measure     
ourselves among    ourselves4      ,it  
is indeed very good1 as thou sayest1 to 
be sometimes    alone1 and at times ,i  
trust ,i have found it so2 but it has   
its dangers also1 especially to me1 who 
am perhaps more    apt to make self of  
too much importance than to shrink      
from due responsibility and authority4  
,indeed1 this    latter word belongs not
 to me at all1 and if ,i may but    keep

 life in me1 7or have it kept17 well    
indeed will it be4    ,oh1 till we have 
grace enough willingly to do the        
smallest    matters1 thankfully to sit  
in the lowest room1 meekly    and       
patiently to be put out of our own way1 
and see our    plans and intentions     
frustrated1 and find ourselves of       
small account or value in the ,church or
 in the world1    yes1 till we have     
grace enough to forget self altogether1 
content to fill a little space1 so thou 
art glorified1 ,i    know not where is  
our claim to be followers of ,him    who
 made ,himself of no reputation4 ,i am  
very far    from this4 ,couldst thou    
have seen how much hold the    many     
small duties of my lonely week have     
taken on my    mind1 how little time ,i 
have found for the purpose for    which 
we both value solitude1 and how much my 
lightly    stirred spirit has been      
hurried about from one object to        
another1 ,i fear thou wouldst scarcely  
think even this    note other than      

presumptuous4 ,oh1 how should ,i be     
rebuked    by the thought1        ,one  
thing is needful1 and but one3      ,why
 do thy thoughts on many run8      #abth
 ,mo4 #cjth4 ,to-day ends the week1 and 
to-morrow    the year4 ,very unfit am ,i
 to speak of it as ,i    would4 ,i have 
felt very happy on some occasions1      
yet ,i have feared lest what should be  
on a good    foundation is yet but built
 of hay and stubble4    ,if so1 who can 
tell the fierceness of the fire that    
burns between me and my wished-for rest8
 ,there    is no way to true safety but 
through it2 and1 oh1 to    part with all
 combustibles is very hard2 but why     
waste a thought on the hardness1 could  
it but be    speedily and simply done8  
,my old difficulty--what    is duty when
 the sensible help of grace is out of   
sight--renews its strength4 ,doubtless  
to wait for it1    and perhaps ask for  
it also2 but how8 ,oh that ,i    had    
crossed the great gulf from myself to my
    ,saviour6 ,oh that ,i were in ,his  

hands and out of    my own6      #b;d   
,mo4 #c;d1 #ahdi4 ,i have been sorely   
tried with    apparent desertion and    
darkness2 yet not deserted    is my     
still struggling faith2 and some        
consoling    thoughts have visited me of
 days still ,i trust in    store1 when1 
as one whom his mother comforteth1      
the ,lord will comfort me4 ,dear        
,j4,t4's counsel has    seldom been     
absent from my thoughts2 but1 manifold  
as have been my heavenly ,father's      
instrumental    mercies1 ,i never was   
more impressed with the absolute    need
 of ,his immediate preserving care4     
,can ,i trust a fellow-being8      ,can 
,i trust an angel's care8    ,o thou    
merciful ,all-,seeing1      ,beam around
 my spirit there4      ,and not less    
here1 in this shady vale of life1 than  
in    the deep of death4 ,oh1 how       
desirable1 how infinitely    sweet1 to  
sleep in ,his arms1 on ,his bosom6 ,an  
early    translation1 if it were ,his   
will1 would indeed be a    blessed      

portion2 but ,i do not expect such      
indulgence1    and desire not to wish   
it4 ,it is enough if ,i may    know that
 to live is ,christ1 and that to die    
will    at length be great gain4        
#b;d ,mo4 #acth4 ,seldom does any appeal
 to my heavenly    ,father seem more    
fitting than this1 ,thou    knowest my  
foolishness2 and1 oh1 may ,his arm of   
mercy and compassion be one day         
revealed4      #c;d ,mo4--th4 ,letter to
 ----4      99 99 99 ,oh1 how desirable 
it is to be willing to be    made of    
much or of little use6      ,and careful
 less to serve thee much1    ,than to   
please thee perfectly3      and1 very   
far back as ,i feel in the race1 and    
insensible of    advance1 ,i think we   
may be encouraged to believe that    we 
make some approaches to the mark for the
 prize1    if we have a clearer and more
 desirous view of the yet    far-distant
 goal4 ,thine eyes shall see the ,king  
in his    beauty1 they shall behold the 
land that is very far off1    must have 

been addressed to one still very far    
from    the promised land4 ,thus ,i     
scribble to thee the musings    with    
which1 in my now shady allotment1 ,i try
 to encourage    myself to hope2 and    
which perhaps are as incorrect    as the
 lament which the beautiful spring will 
sometimes    prompt1 ,with the year     
seasons return1 but not to me4    ,it   
would1 however1 be most ungrateful to   
complain4 ,to    live at all is a great 
favor--an undeserved and unspeakable    
favor2 and though it be a life of pain  
and weariness1    and even grief1 may it
 never become a life of    thankless    
ingratitude6 ,we who have tried our     
heavenly    ,father's patience so long1 
dare we complain of waiting    for ,him8
      #dth ,mo4 #acth4 ,letter to ,m4,b4
      99 99 99 ,however high be the     
capacity of the mind1    it is          
humiliating to find what small things   
can distract    it1 if its anchor-hold  
be not truly what and where it    ought 
to be2 and who does not find the need of

 this    being often renewed and made   
fast8 ,the little experience    ,i have 
had1 that even a life comparatively free
    from trial1 except as regards its   
highest significance1 is    but vanity1 
and the belief that it is so infinitely 
surpassed    by another1 has much       
modified to me the feeling    of        
witnessing 7might ,i venture to say of  
anticipating87    the transition for    
others or for myself4 ,i nevertheless   
cannot say much from experience2 for it 
has not yet    been my lot to lose one  
of my own intimate or nearly    attached
 friends1 except where the course of    
time had    made it a natural and       
inevitable thing2 and ,i know    there  
must be depths of sorrow in such events 
only    fathomed by descending to them4 
#dth ,mo4--th4 ,letter to ,m4,b4        
,what a privilege it is to be permitted 
to    expect and look for a better      
guidance than our own    judgment or    
inclination1 even in the small things of
 our    small lives2 small though they  

are1 compared with the    great events  
which are ruled by our heavenly         
,father's    will1 how much is involved 
in them as far as we are concerned6     
and we need not measure the controlling 
care    of ,providence by the abstract  
greatness or littleness of    any event4
 ,compared with ,his infinity1 the fate 
of an    empire would be not more worthy
 of ,his care than the    least event of
 our lives2 but it is love--the same    
wonderful    love that can comfort and  
bless the dying-pillow of    a little   
one1 in which we want more practical    
faith for    our safe conduct through   
this uncertain life4 ,did we live    in 
such a faith1 it would be sweet and easy
 to die in it4      #dth ,mo4 #cjth4    
,bristol4 ,yesterday was a memorable    
day to me2 the evening meeting found me 
very    sad and burdened2 when ,i       
thought ,i was made sensible    of      
something like an offer from ,one who is
 infinite    in power and love1 to take 
this burden away1    to bear it         

,himself1 and to do in me ,his own will4
    ,there seemed something like a      
covenant set before    me1 that all this
 should be done for me on condition     
of my acquiescence with and subjection  
to that    supreme will1 that ,i should 
refuse neither to suffer    ,his own    
work within me nor to do ,his manifested
    will4 ,it may be that ,i stamp too  
highly what was    most gently and      
calmly spread before my heart4 ,it      
may be that the relief1 the peaceful    
calm1 which    followed my endeavor to  
unite with this precious proposal1      
was a mistaken thing2 but ,i believe    
not4    ,strikingly in unison with all  
this was the evangelical    and         
practical sermon of ,s4 ,treffry which  
followed1    and my feelings in         
returning home and sitting down    alone
 for a few minutes to seek a            
confirmation1 were    like a seal to all
 that ,i had heard in meeting4 ,this    
morning ,i am far from rich or lively1  
but seem    bound neither to doubt nor  

to complain2 but only    and constantly 
to endeavor to submit every thought     
of my heart to my dear ,saviour's will2 
and thus1    after many a tossing1 ,i   
have been enabled to say1        ,i rest
 my soul on ,jesus1--      ,this weary  
soul of mine4      ,there may ,i ever   
be1 ,o ,lord4      #eth ,mo4 #acth4     
,first-day evening4 ,oh that here    ,i 
might once more set up my ,ebenezer1 and
 say1    ,hitherto ,thou hast helped me1
 ,o ,lord4 ,my    ,father's arms1 and   
not my own1 were those that held    me  
fast4 ,ah6 my own hold in the last      
fortnight    has often relaxed1 though  
many a heart-tendering    evidence have 
,i had that ,he is faithful that hath   
promised4 ,yesterday morning when ,i    
awoke1 dead    as ever in myself1 some  
sweet whisper of goodness at    hand    
saluted my ear1 and1 oh1 it was but a   
sound of    the abundance of heavenly   
rain that soon made my    heart         
overflow4      #hth ,mo4 #dth4 ,letter  
to ----      99 99 99 ,at our ,monthly  

,meeting1 only a few words    from ----1
 advising young ones to be patient and  
submissive4    ,and surely we may well  
be thankful to learn    so wholesome a  
lesson1 seeing how many sorrows we      
have often brought upon ourselves by the
 contrary disposition1    and how       
faithful is the promise that the    meek
 ,he will guide in judgment and teach   
,his way4    ,how contemptible1 as well 
as sinful1 that rebellious spirit       
sometimes appears 7when we honestly     
weigh it7 that    wants to make in its  
own special favor exceptions to    the  
wise management of our kind and gracious
 heavenly    ,father6 ,oh1 why should we
 prolong our woes by such    perversity1
 when we feel at times as if it would be
 our    highest joy to be what ,he would
 have us to be1 and our    very meat and
 drink to do ,his will8      #hth ,mo4  
#acth4 ,this evening we had a precious  
meeting indeed4 ,a solemn silence1 in   
which much    had been felt1 was        
followed by a fervent prayer from       

----4 ,truly my heart's response was1   
,let thine    own work praise thee4 ,do 
,i write too much if ,i    record the   
blessing of ability to crave for myself 
this    evening an increased knowledge  
of and obedience to    the ,shepherd's  
voice1 and that no disguise of ,satan   
may ever impose on me for this8         
#ith ,mo4 #gth4 ,letter to ,m4,b4       
99 99 99 ,i often wonder at the         
attractions so many    find in merely   
following the multitude in their        
recreations4    99 99 99 ,do we not     
sometimes find1 if our    honest wish is
 to refresh ourselves for duty1 and not 
to    escape from it1 that even our rest
 and recreation is    owned by a        
blessing to which one would not for all 
the world be strangers8 ,how kind was   
,he who had    welcomed back his        
faithful twelve from their labors for   
others1 when ,he said1 ,come ye         
yourselves apart into a    desert place1
 and rest a while2 for there were many  
coming    and going1 and they had no    

leisure so much as to    eat4 ,but even 
then they were to learn no selfish      
indolence1    and rest was quickly laid 
aside to share their    morsels with    
thousands4 ,if we were always ,his      
companions1    did all our hopes of     
happiness stay calmly    at ,his side1  
how would our sitting down to rest and  
rising up to toil be alike blessed6 ,and
 then1 when the    scene is changed1 and
 sorrow and care become our portion1    
the same who was our joy in prosperity  
will be    our refuge in adversity2 and 
because thou hast made    the ,lord thy 
habitation1 there shall no evil befall  
thee4      ,i write my wishes for us    
both2 may it be thus with    thee and   
me1 and when it is well with thee1 think
 of    one who longs sometimes to know  
these things for herself4    ,but how   
well it is that our safety is in other  
hands than ours6 how often1 had it      
depended even on    our continued desire
 for that which is good1 had all been   
over with us6      ,thy parents' arms1  

and not thy own1    ,were those that    
held thee fast4      #aath ,mo4 #dth4   
,hunted with thoughts1 as ,j4    ,crook 
so truly describes it1 up and down like 
a    partridge on the mountains1 often  
feeling in meeting    as if nothing     
could be compared with the joy    of    
resting in ,jesus1 a rest to which ,i am
 still much    a stranger2 no more able 
to command the mob of    unquiet        
thoughts than to hush the winds4 ,at    
other    times1 as this evening in my   
chamber1 a sort of    strained anguish  
of soul1 wherein my desire has been     
that my eyes might he ever toward the   
,lord1 that    ,he1 in ,his own time1   
may pluck my feet out of the    net4    
,the mental pain ,i have passed through 
makes    some escape seem most          
desirable4 ,if to lay down    the body  
were all ,i needed to escape1 and ,i    
were fit    for it1 how willingly would 
,i accept such an invitation6    ,but ,i
 dare not ask it1 nor any other thing1  
but only that ,he who alone can1 may    

make me in    ,his own time what ,he    
would have me to be2 and    this evening
 ,i have been thinking that the painful 
feelings ,i suffered might be the means 
appointed for    freeing me from the    
bondage of the worldly mind1    and from
 those tormenting1 hurrying thoughts4   
,oh1    be it so2 whether by means      
utterly incomprehensible    to me1 or   
not1 be the needful work done4 ,i trust 
the    comprehension is not needed2 and 
that the simplicity    and submission   
which are needed may be granted    me2  
and that still if my enemies be         
expelled1 as ,i    hope they will be by 
,his own arm1 7as dear ,j4,t4    said17 
their presence will not be laid to my   
charge4    ,alas1 that ,i am so often   
guilty of dallying with    them6 ,what  
wonder that the wilderness is so long   
and tortuous1 when ,i reckon the molten 
calves1 the    murmurings1 the fleshly  
desires8      #ast ,mo4 #agth1 #ahej4   
,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,canst  
thou feel any sympathy or compassion    

for one who pleads guilty to the folly  
of a flurried    mind1 wasting its      
strength in strenuous idleness1 and     
that1 too1 with open eyes1 seeing its   
own weakness and    despising it8 ,one  
of the worst things such a folly        
includes    is that it allows no leisure
 to the mind2 whereas1    ,i believe    
well-ordered minds1 however much care   
may    be placed upon them1 can throw   
this aside1 when not    necessarily     
engaged1 and repose in the true dignity 
of    self-command4 ,this is1 ,i        
believe1 some people's natural    gift2 
but it surely ought1 by supernatural    
means1 to be    within every one's reach
 if only the government were    on the  
shoulders of the ,prince of ,peace4 ,oh1
 how    much that means6 ,what          
delectable mountains6    ,what green    
pastures6 ,what still waters6 ,what     
gardens enclosed6 ,what south lands1 and
 springs    of water1 are pictured in   
that beau-ideal on earth as    it is in 
heaven6 ,well my second page has spoken 

of a    land very far off from the      
haunted region described in    the      
first2 but to turn over a new leaf is   
easier in a    letter than in a life4   
,thy idea of the next ten years         
altering us less than the last will     
perhaps prove true2    but1 oh1 the     
painful doubts that force themselves on 
me1    whether the present channel is   
such that we can peacefully             
anticipate it only as deepening1 and not
 as having    an utter change of        
direction6 ,how much harder to live     
in the world and not be of it than to   
forsake it altogether6    ,so lazy self 
says2 and1 in turning from present duty1
    tries to justify itself by the      
excuse that it would willingly    leave 
this world for another4      #b;d ,mo4  
#dth4 ,first-day evening4 ,little as ,i 
have    felt inclined to put pen to     
paper of late1 ,i thought    this       
evening that some small memento might be
 left1    as it were1 at this point of  
the valley1 just to say1    ,here were  

the footsteps of a weary halting pilgrim
 at    such a time--one that brought no 
store of food or    raiment1 no supply  
of wisdom or subtlety1 no provision     
for the way1 nothing but wounds and     
weaknesses1    household images1 secret 
sins2 but by favor    of unspeakable    
long-suffering1 continuing unto this    
day--and1 as she would fain hope1 not   
deserted4 ,a4    troop of thoughts doth 
grievously overcome her1 and    faint is
 her hope that she shall overcome at the
 last2    yet does she desire to set up 
the ,ebenezer1 if not of    rejoicing1  
which as yet cannot be1 yet of humble   
hope1    in a cloudy and dark day1 that 
,he who has said1    ,light and gladness
 are sown for the upright in3    heart1 
will yet verify ,his promise in the     
day-spring    of the light of ,his      
countenance1 if any measure of          
integrity remain within4 ,oh1 that ,he  
may keep1 as    the apple of ,his eye1  
that which a troop of robbers    are    
watching to spoil1 and may provide it   

with a    hiding-place in ,his pavilion 
of love6 ,and for one    thing is my    
earnest wish directed to ,him1 that1    
unable    as ,i am to direct my own     
steps aright1 ,he would    provide a    
leader for me1 and a willing heart      
within    me1 and grant me enough of    
,his guidance to keep    me in the way1 
and enough of a willingness to walk     
therein and not stumble4      #c;d ,mo4 
#gth1 ,letter to ,m4,b4      99 99 99 ,i
 know well that impatience will         
sometimes    put on the pretence of     
something much better1 and that    we   
shall never run to good purpose unless  
we run with    patience4 ,unhappily1 a  
slow gradual progress is sadly          
opposed to my inconstant nature1 and    
after one of the    many interruptions  
it meets with1 how prone am ,i to       
wish for some flying leap to make up for
 the past6 ,it    seems so hard a thing 
to get transformed1 and                 
therefore--strange    inconsistency     
indeed--one would be translated4    ,but

 truly it might be said1 ,ye know not   
what ye ask4    99 99 99 ,i have been   
interested with reading the early       
part of ,no ,cross1 no ,crown1 and      
especially the chapter    on lawful     
self1 where the receiving back again1 as
    ,abraham did ,isaac1 the lawful     
pleasures which had been    resigned to 
the ,divine will1 is so nicely spoken   
of2 and ,i    do believe it explains the
 cause of half the gloom of    would-be 
,christians4 ,they do not quite refuse1 
nor    quite resign their hearts1 and so
 they are kept1 not only    without true
 peace1 but without the enjoyment of    
those    earthly goods which have been  
called for1 not to deprive    their     
owners of them1 but to be restored in   
this life an    hundredfold4 ,how is it 
to be wished that these half    measures
 were abandoned1 and that if we have put
 our    hand to the plough1 we might not
 look back1 as we so    often have done1
 to the unfitting ourselves for that    
kingdom    which is not only            

righteousness1 but peace and joy4       
,that your joy may be full1 is plainly  
the purpose of    our ,saviour towards  
,his children2 and yet how many1    as  
,macaulay says1 have just enough        
religion to make    them unhappy when   
they do wrong1 and yet not enough    to 
induce them to do right4      #eth ,mo4 
#bhth4 ,it is an unspeakable blessing to
 be    permitted and enabled to pray4   
,how can ,i be sufficiently    thankful 
that it has been mine8 ,last night    my
 heart was fervently engaged towards my 
,god2    and this evening1 though the   
sense of my utter destitution    and    
weakness was very painful1 was it not a 
blessing if it led me to ,him8 ,i have  
thought of the    test1 ,in quietness   
and confidence shall be your            
strength4 ,there is danger in fleshly   
confidence2    yet there is no strength1
 but a new danger in fleshly    fear4   
,oh1 ,i would be stripped of all fleshly
 dispositions    of whatever kind1 or   
however specious3 they    war against   

the soul2 but because mine enemy has    
not quite triumphed over me1 may ,i not 
believe that    ,he favoreth me in whose
 favor is life1 and whose is    a       
faithful love8 ,oh for its perfect      
dominion in me6    ,his will is my      
sanctification1 my perfection4 ,it is   
,his good pleasure to give me the       
kingdom--even    to me4 ,amazing grace6 
,what in me but my greatest    foe could
 hinder the full adoption of the prayer1
    ,thy will be done8      #fth ,mo4   
#c;d4 ,the little measure of faith ,i   
have is    not worn out1 but rather     
purified and strengthened2    but1 oh1  
when ,i think of the reality1 the       
momentous    import1 of the change of   
nature from sin to holiness1    which   
has to be effected1 what a baptism may  
,i not    have yet to be baptized with1 
and what perils to pass    through6 ,oh1
 if it might please my heavenly ,father 
to shorten and hasten the process1 and  
deliver me    from earth and its dangers
 into a changeless state of    safety   

and peace in ,his dear presence6 ,but ,i
 do    believe ,he would rather be      
glorified by living ,christians    than 
by only dying penitents4 ,a watchful1   
holy life is ,his delight4 ,oh that this
 high calling    may not be slighted or 
cast away6 ,the near approach    of my  
birthday has led me to look back over   
the brief notes of twelve months4 ,the  
interesting    details we have received 
of the ,yearly ,meeting    remind me of 
what ,i felt at the conclusion of the   
last4 ,the ,lord has again been with the
 ,church's    gathering1 faithful as of 
old1 and1 where seats were    vacant1   
hath filled ,his people with joy4       
#fth ,mo4 #eth4 ,i wish simply to record
 how last    night1 when in bed1 ,i was 
favored with a calm1 watchful    frame1 
and lay enjoying the mental repose till 
long after my usual hour of sleep4 ,this
 morning at    breakfast-time it was    
renewed1 with a sweet sense of    the   
willingness of our heavenly ,father to  
enable ,his    children to serve ,him4  

,he made them for that end3    it is    
,his will that they should do so4 ,it   
cannot be    that ,he will refuse them  
the indispensable assistance4    ,how   
sweet was this feeling6 but hurry1 and  
too much    care about little things1   
sadly dissipated me in the    day4 ,this
 evening ,i have had a gracious gift of 
some of those ,sabbath feelings again1  
after reading    the seventeenth chapter
 of ,jeremiah4 ,the verses    referring 
to the ,sabbath-day1 and bearing no     
burden    therein1 were solemnly        
instructive4 ,the utter inability    of 
my natural heart to attain or retain    
such a    state shows me the necessity  
of all being done for    me through     
faith in ,divine power1 ,his name1      
through faith in ,his name4 ,oh for     
watchfulness    unto prayer continually1
 and that the cumber of    earth may be 
cast away6 ,take heed that your         
flight be not in the winter1 has been my
 watchword1    though how imperfectly   
obeyed6 and if1 through    infinite     

mercy1 the season be changing1 if ,he   
who    has faithfully kept me from utter
 death there-through    is beginning to 
give me more of rest1 oh1    let me     
never forget the solemn addition1       
neither on    the ,sabbath day4         
#fth ,mo4 #acth4 99 99 99 ,i wish now to
 record    the very solemn and          
encouraging visit of ,james    ,jones   
from ,america to our meeting this day4  
,how    wondrously did he speak of      
trials and afflictions1 and    the      
necessity of entire resignation through 
all6    ,though oceans of discouragement
 and mountains of    difficulty loom up 
before thee1 thou wilt be brought       
through the depths dry-shod1 and be     
enabled to    adopt the language1 ,what 
ailed thee1 ,o thou sea1    that thou   
fleddest1 and ye mountains1 that ye     
skipped    like rams8 ,thou wilt be led 
through green pastures1    and beside   
still waters1 speaking of the call    to
 service in the ,church1 which he       
believed was to    some in an especial  

manner in the early stages of    life4  
,i heard all2 but such was my dejection 
that ,i    seemed to receive little1    
though ,i could not but feel    the     
power4 ,i seemed incapable of taking    
either    hope or instruction to myself4
 ,j4,j4 left us after    dinner1 and1 on
 taking leave1 took my hand in a very   
solemn manner1 and1 after a few minutes 
silence1    said1 tenderly1 but         
authoritatively1 ,if the mantle    falls
 on thee1 wear2 words which will long   
live    in my heart4 ,would that the    
power which sent    them may fulfil     
them6 ,none other can4      #gth ,mo4   
#ast4 ,last week at ,plymouth ,quarterly
    ,meeting4 ,an interesting time4 ,i  
trust that which    silenced and        
solemnized my spirit was something      
better than myself4 ,what could ,i do   
but endeavor    to lie down in          
passiveness under it1 and crave that    
nothing might interfere to mar the work 
of the    ,lord8 ,much was said to      
encourage the hope that    those who    

truly love the ,lord will at length be  
brought into more peace and liberty in  
,him2 that    ,he will qualify them to  
fill just that place ,he designs    for 
them in ,his house4 ,oh1 how ,i long to 
become that1 and that only1 which       
pleases ,him1 that    neither height nor
 depth might separate me from    ,his   
love6 ,and when ,i think of the         
deceitfulness of    my heart1 the danger
 of being lifted up seems so            
appalling that the former deliverance   
seems yet    greater than the latter4   
#gth ,mo4 #bc;d4 ,i have been glad to be
 released    from some of my charges and
 cares1 as well as to    share the      
loving interests of home with all my    
dear    sisters1 and trust it is not all
 laziness which makes    me shrink from 
engaging in new though useful           
objects4 ,i seem to have much need of   
quiet1 and    have enjoyed many hours   
with dear ,f4's precious    children4   
,often1 as now1 ,i am very destitute1   
and    sometimes very sad2 but          

sometimes1 though rarely1    all is     
peace4 ,long shall ,i remember a        
moonlight    half-hour1 on ,sixth-day1  
in the fields and garden1    where ,i   
sat down to enjoy the cool of the day1  
and    for a time all sorrow was far    
away1 and the very    ,prince of ,peace 
did seem to reign4 ,then did ,i    feel 
,i had not followed a cunningly-devised 
fable1    and the precious words did    
comfort me1 ,if children1    then heirs4
 ,but1 oh1 how otherwise ,i often am6   
how utterly destitute6 ,this day we have
 had a    sweet little visit from ----4 
,his encouragement to    the tribulated 
children saluted my best life1 overborne
    as it felt with the burden of       
unregenerate    nature--ready to say1   
,who shall deliver me from    the body  
of this death8 and1 amid many a giving  
way to the worryings of earthly         
thoughts1 struggling    to say1 ,lord1  
,i believe3 help thou mine unbelief4    
,often have ,i remembered dear ,sarah   
,tuckett's    encouraging words1 ,but   

through all1 and underneath    all1 will
 be the everlasting ,arms4 ,amen1 and   
amen4      #hth ,mo4 #dth4 ,still1 still
 amen1 says my poor weak    spirit1 in  
the remembrance of goodness tried so    
long1 of the faithful love of my        
heavenly ,father1    which melted my    
spirit on the morning of ,fifth-day     
week1 with the blessed hope that ,i had 
not followed    a cunningly-devised     
fable in seeking a nearer    union with 
my ,saviour4 ,i little thought what was 
awaiting me that day--a very important  
proposal    from ----1 put into my hands
 by my father4 ,after    glancing at the
 contents1 ,i laid it aside1 to seek for
    a little calmness before reading it1
 and needed all    that morning's manna 
to strengthen my conviction1    ,thou   
art my ,father4 ,into ,his hands ,i have
    sought to commit myself and my all1 
trusting that a    covenant with        
everlasting love will not be marred by  
aught beneath the skies4 ,some precious 
feelings    have ,i since enjoyed2 ,and 

one of them shall not    fall to the    
ground without your ,father1 ,ye are of 
more value than many sparrows1 have been
 almost    daily in my heart4 ,on       
,sixth-day1 after spending    the       
afternoon in the country with a cheerful
 party1    before going to bed1 such a  
blessed sense of my    heavenly         
,father's presence and love was         
vouchsafed    me1 that every uneasy     
thought was swallowed up    in-the      
precious conviction1 ,i know in whom ,i 
have believed4 ,this love did indeed    
appear the    pearl of great price1 and 
all else as dust in the    balance4     
#hth ,mo4 #bjth4 ,last week ,i was once 
or twice    favored with a precious     
feeling of ,divine love4 ,at    one time
 my earnest sense of need and desire to 
seek    ,him to whom ,i could appeal    
amid many a recollection    of past     
transgressions1 in the words1 ,thou     
knowest that ,i love thee1 was most     
sweetly followed    by the remembrance  
of the words1 ,i remember    thee1 the  

kindness of thy youth1 the love of thine
    espousals2 when thou wentest after  
me in the wilderness1    in a land that 
was not sown4 ,at another    time the   
precious promise1 ,because thou hast    
made    the ,lord thy habitation1 there 
shall no evil befall    thee1 came      
livingly before me1 and then ,i felt how
    far short of the terms ,i had       
fallen4 ,oh1 how preciously    did ,i   
feel the worth of an atonement6 how     
my ,saviour's pardon did not only remove
 the burden    of guilt1 but really     
reinstate me in the privileges    which 
my backslidings had forfeited1 so that  
the    promise of safety was still mine6
 99 99 99      #ith4 ,mo4 #bjth4        
,alluding to a visit from some          
friends4 ,how precious are these marks  
of our ,father's    love6 ,his eye is   
surely on us1 and ,his hand    too1 for 
good4 ,may we never1 may ,i never1 do   
any    thing to frustrate ,his merciful 
designs6 ,very various    has been my   
state--so dead and earthly1 sometimes1  

that ,i may indeed feel that in me      
dwelleth no    good thing1 but now and  
then so filled with desires    after    
,god1 that ,i feel assured that they    
come from    ,himself4      #ith ,mo4   
#bfth4 ,this afternoon1 in a lonely     
walk1    my sorrow was stirred1 and ,i  
hope ,i prayed for    mercy2 but it has 
been hard to keep any hold of    the    
anchor4 ,but what6 shall ,i leave my    
only ,helper    because of my evil      
case--my only ,physician because    of  
my desperate disease8 ,i can take       
comfort in the    thought that ,he knows
 the worst1 and that ,he has    sworn   
eternal enmity to sin4 ,then1 if ,he    
loves me1    a sinner1 ,he must be      
willing and able to save me2    and     
,jesus ,christ is the mediator between  
,god and    man1 that ,he may be the    
perfect divider between    the sinner   
and his sin4 ,oh1 what a work is        
this--which    none but ,omnipotent     
grace can do6 ,oh1 be    it done for me4
      #aath ,mo4 #bjth4 ,letter to      

,m4,b4 ,alluding to    her prospect of  
marriage4      99 99 99 ,how does such  
an occasion teach one the    weakness of
 human nature1 and our utter dependence 
on our heavenly ,father's preserving    
care1 who knows    our frame and        
remembers that we are but dust4 ,and    
if we can in truth say1 ,if ,thy        
presence go not with    me1 carry me not
 up hence1 and endeavor to decide in    
,his fear4 ,i hope we may trust1 that if
 it be not of ,him1    something will be
 provided for our rescue1 and that if   
it be1 ,he will remember ,his ancient   
promise1 ,my presence    shall go with  
thee1 and ,i will give thee rest4       
#ast ,mo4 #dth1 #ahea4 ,so very much has
 happened    since ,i made my record    
here1 that ,i scarcely know    where to 
begin4 ,never did a year end thus with  
me4 ,i had almost called it the most    
important of    my life2 and certainly  
it is so as regards time1 and    also a 
very important one as regards eternity4 
,now    ,i find my hopes1 my interests1 

my anticipations1 my    every feeling   
and affection1 have a strong reference  
to    another than myself--one whom ,i  
believe the    ,providence of a         
merciful1 heavenly ,father has led    me
 to regard with esteem and love1 as a   
sharer in the    future portion of the  
path1 of life4      ,surely it has been 
a serious thing1 much as ,i have        
fallen short in the duties of my present
 favored and    sheltered lot1 to       
consent to undertake responsibilities   
so weighty and untried2 and yet ,i have 
cause to    hope in the mercy of ,him   
who has helped me    hitherto1 whose    
covenant is an everlasting covenant1    
even a covenant of peace1 that shall    
never be removed    by any earthly      
change4 ,oh that it may never    be     
forsaken by me6 ,oh that every breach   
may be    forgiven me6 ,oh that the     
wisdom that is from    above may be my  
safeguard and director6 ,how has    it  
comforted me1 in thinking of leaving    
such dearly-loved    ones behind1 to    

feel that one ,friend above    all      
others1 whose love has been the most    
precious    joy of my life1 will go with
 me1 and be with me    forever1 and1 ,i 
trust1 bind in that bond of heavenly    
love1 even more and more closely1 the   
spirits ,he1 ,i    trust1 has brought   
together1 and make us one another's     
joy in ,him6      ,now that we are at   
home in the quiet round of    duties and
 employments which have filled so many  
7outwardly at least7 peaceful years1 and
 that perhaps    my continuance among   
them reckons but by months1    oh for a 
truly obedient1 affectionate1 filial    
spirit1    both to my heavenly ,father  
and the precious guardians    of my     
childhood6 ,i have strongly felt that my
    highest duty towards him with whom  
my future lot    may be linked1 as well 
as my own highest interest1    is to    
live in the love and fear of ,god4 ,many
 deficiencies    ,i shall doubtless be  
conscious of6 but if ,i    may live1 and
 we may be united in the love and fear  

of ,god1 all1 all will be well4 ,oh1    
then1 to be watchful    and prayerful6  
#ast ,mo4 #beth4 ,letter to ,m4,b4      
99 99 99 ,there is much1 very much1     
connected with    any experience in     
these matters calculated to teach us    
that this is not our rest2 and often    
have ,i thought1 when    pondering the  
uncertain future1 that but for the small
    degree in which the hope of things  
beyond1 steadfast    and eternal1 keeps 
its hold1 ,i should be ready to sink2   
and then ,i think of kind rich promises 
on which ,i try    to lay hold1 ,thy    
shoes shall be iron and brass1 and      
,as thy day1 so shall thy strength be4  
,and so1 dear    ,m41 ,i trust it will  
be with us all1 if our trust be but     
rightly placed2 and in this ,i fear ,i  
have sometimes1 perhaps    often1 been  
mistaken4 ,i am sure it is well to have 
this sifted and searched into1 and none 
of the pains    which must attend such a
 process are in vain4 ,when    we have  
learned more fully what and how frail we

 are1    then we can better appreciate  
the help that is offered1    and the    
abundant blessing of peace when it does 
come4    ,the depth of our own capacity 
for suffering is known to    few of us2 
and when we have made a little discovery
 of    it1 some short acquaintance with 
the dark cold caverns    of hopeless woe
 into which it is possible to fall1 even
    when all externally is bright and   
apparently prosperous1    how thankful  
then should we feel for the daylight of 
hope6      ,perhaps ,i am using strong  
language4 ,i would not use    it to     
every one1 but ,i think thou knowest    
that words are    feeble rather than    
strong to express what may be the       
real portion of one whom spectators look
 on as very    happy2 and ,i do feel    
sure that not a grief that can befall   
us even in this hidden world of ours1   
but may be the    stepping-stone to a   
joy with which also a stranger doth     
not intermeddle2 and how shall we sooner
 find it than    by casting all our care

 on ,him who careth for us8    ,he      
knoweth our frame1 and remembereth that 
we are    dust1 and is touched with a   
feeling of our infirmities4      #c;d   
,mo4 #adth4--,letter to ,m4,b4      99  
99 99 ,i am abundantly convinced that if
 we can    find the right place and keep
 it1 and endeavor to fulfil    its      
duties1 whatever they may be1 there is  
our safety1 and    there is our greatest
 peace2 and what a blessing to know     
in any degree where the knowledge and   
the power are    both to be obtained6 99
 99 99      #fth ,mo4 #bast4 ,after a   
fortnight's visit to my dear    aunts1  
,i followed ,louisa to ,tottenham4 ,many
 an    occasion of deep instruction was 
offered to us at the    ,yearly         
,meeting2 and yet from all this what    
remains8    ,a solemn inquiry for all2  
and how much so for me1    now that     
every principle of the heart and mind   
must prepare to encounter unwonted      
exercise and    trial1 now that ,i daily
 need all that ,i can have in    a      

peculiar manner1 and now that the       
future1 amid    the hopeful calm which  
it sometimes assumes1 will    sometimes 
almost frown upon me with lowerings of  
fear8 ,fear it is1 not of others1 but of
 myself1 and    fear of the ignorance or
 precipitancy of my yet but    very     
partially regulated mind4 ,oh for that  
other    fear which only is a fountain  
of life1 preserving    from the snares  
of death6 ,oh for that love which       
casteth out the slavish fear1 and maketh
 one with    what it loves--first with  
that ,god from whom it    comes1 and    
then with those in whom it dwells6      
,dwell1 oh1 that it may1 in our two     
hearts1 their best1    their first1     
their strongest1 dearest bond1 and      
dwell1    too1 in the hearts of those ,i
 leave behind1 and cause    that still  
and henceforth we may be together though
    apart6      ,the responsibility of  
having so important an office    to     
fulfil towards any fellow-being as that 
of sharing    in1 influencing1 and being

 influenced by all his wishes1          
actions1 and tendencies1 has felt very  
serious4 99 99    99 99 ,never before   
had ,i so strong a sense of the         
identity of our highest duty towards    
ourselves and    towards each other2 and
 that to live1 and to be as and    what 
we ought1 in the best sense1 is the     
chief requisite    for influencing one  
another for good4      #fth ,mo4 #bdth4 
,though ,i have this morning been       
helped and comforted1 ,i must confess   
much unsubdued    evil has manifested   
itself even within these few    days4   
,the bitter waters within1 the tendency 
to what    is evil1 the corrupt root1   
have sadly appeared4--,oh1    there is  
the one cause1 not minding enough the   
good    part which shall not be taken   
away1 and so disquieted    at the loss  
or disturbance of lower things4 ,how    
shall we escape if we neglect 7not only 
reject7 such    great salvation8 ,i was 
made mercifully sensible1    last night 
and this morning1 that such is our      

,father's    love1 that ,his aim is     
chiefly to bestow1 our duty to          
receive1 that ,he calls and invites2 but
 it is not that    we may work a        
performance of our own1 but receive     
,his own good things4 ,oh1 the folly1   
the ingratitude1    of being inattentive
 to such a blessing6 ,oh1 the rebellious
    pride of choosing our own self-will1
 and our    own way1 when the privilege 
may be ours of becoming    the obedient 
and loving children of ,god--of         
receiving    from ,him the willing and  
the obedient heart    which we may offer
 up to ,him again1 and which ,he    will
 accept6      #fth ,mo4 #cjth4 ,letter  
to ,m4,b4 ,alluding to    various       
engagements4      99 99 99 ,these fill  
the past1 present1 and future    of     
these last months at home with many and 
various    occupations and meditations4 
,it is a blessing not to be    more     
disturbed within1 if it be but a safe   
calmness4 ,oh1    that is a large       
condition2 but how unsafe is all        

calmness    resulting from shutting our 
eyes from the truth of our    worst     
side6 ,yet ,i think when we can really  
be glad at    the thought that our worst
 side is seen and known1 there    is    
some hope of remedy and of peace1 and   
7may ,i not    say87 alliance with the  
,physician who has all power and        
skill4 ,then only can we welcome any    
thing1 however    trying1 which we can  
believe comes from ,his hand1 or    may 
tend to make us any nearer the pattern  
we strive    for1 or any more likely to 
fulfil rightly the serious part    we   
have to take in life4      #gth ,mo4    
#afth4 ,i hope ,i do sincerely desire to
 seek    for strength to cast my many   
burdens on ,him who    careth for me2   
and1 oh1 if ,i did but live in the      
spirit1    and walk in the spirit1 more 
faithfully1 surely ,i should    know    
more of what it is to be careful for    
nothing1    but in every thing to make  
known my requests unto    ,god4 ,quiet  
is most congenial4 ,oh that the few     

weeks remaining to me here1 may all be  
given to ,him    who alone can bless6   
,but this desperate heart--might    it  
not well be despaired of8 ,i trust ,i   
have    got to this point1 ,god be      
merciful to me a sinner4    ,let me fall
 now into the hands of the ,lord1 for   
,his mercies are great1 and not         
into-human hands1    nay1 not my own4 ,i
 thought ,i saw some sweetness    in the
 words1 ,by ,his stripes ye are healed4 
#gth ,mo4 #agth4 ,why do ,i not feel    
that nothing ,i    can do is so         
important as what ,i am1 and that things
    without had better be ever so much  
neglected1 than    things within set    
wrong for their sake8      #gth ,mo4    
#bast4 ,had very comfortable feelings   
yesterday in meeting4 ,oh1 it was joyful
 to believe    that ,god was near to    
bless and to forgive4 ,this    evening1 
,i have longed to commit my soul and its
    keeping into my ,father's hands4 ,oh
 for a little    more faith in ,his     
infinite1 everlasting mercy6 ,to    come

 even boldly to the throne of grace1 is 
the high    calling even of those most  
in need of mercy4      #gth ,mo #bfth4  
,letter to ,c4,b4,c4      99 99 99 ,i   
hope that so far ,i have been favored   
with    a measure of real help and good 
hope1 though often    sensible of       
multiplied difficulties and dangers1    
amid the    desire to maintain such a   
state of mind and feeling as ,i         
ought4 ,perhaps the strong light in     
which ,i have often    perceived how the
 best earthly hope may be blighted or   
blasted1 even when all seems outwardly  
favorable1 is a    true blessing2 and   
would that it might lead me oftener     
where all our wants can be best and only
 supplied6 ,i    know that self is the  
foe to be dreaded most1 and that is     
so ever near1 sticks so close1 that     
there can be no remedy    effectual that
 is not applied with the penetrating    
power    and all-wise discretion which  
are no attributes of ours4    ,and yet  
how often do we vainly try to help      

ourselves6    ,two days after this1 she 
wrote to her friend ,m4,b4 and alluded  
very feelingly to the prospect of       
leaving her old home and its            
associations4 ,ever taking a humble view
 of herself and of her fitness  for the 
duties she was expecting to assume1 she 
writes of      feeling increasingly my  
deep unfitness and lack    of           
qualification for so very responsible an
 undertaking    as sharing in and       
influencing and being influenced    by  
all that concerns another4 ,may ,i be   
permitted    the privilege of which thou
 hast spoken1 that the    ,lord's       
presence may go with us1 and give us    
rest1 and    be to us a little sanctuary
 wheresoever we may come4    ,then all  
will be right4 99 99 99 ,so thou seest  
just where ,i am1--in need of faith and 
hope1 and    sometimes wanting all      
things1 even amid circumstances    which
 ,i can find no fault with4 ,farewell1  
dear ,m42 and if thou nearest that ,i   
get on well1 or    am in any way made   

happy or useful1 one conclusion    will 
be very safe1 respecting thy unworthy   
friend1--that    it is not in me4       
,this closes a correspondence which     
appears to have been attended with  much
 comfort and profit to the two friends4 
#hth ,mo4 #aath4 ,the time flies1 and   
then the place    that has known me will
 know me no more1 except    as a        
sojourner and pilgrim to my father's    
hearth2    and yet ,i cannot realize it3
 could ,i1 how should ,i    bear it8    
,this day1 much as before1 weak in body1
    death-like in mind2 but this evening
 had such a desire    for retirement--so
 undesired before--and such    precious 
feelings then4 ,oh1 ,i could go through 
much    with this to sustain me1 but ,i 
cannot command it for    one instant2   
and1 oh1 how ,i felt that ,he alone can 
keep my soul alive1 whose is every      
breath1 natural and    spiritual6 ,oh1  
what a joy to feel ,his ,spirit near1   
the thick1 heavy wall of separation     
melted away4    ,would that the way     

could1 be kept thus clear to ,god--my   
life1 my strength1 my joy1 my all6      
,much that is very interesting has      
passed1--chiefly    a visit from ,t4,e4 
and his wife1 of ,philadelphia4 ,the    
day they left us1 we sat in silence     
round the dinner-table1    till he said 
that words seemed hardly needful    to  
express the precious feeling of union   
that prevailed4    99 99 99 ,it was very
 sad to lose them2 and yet ,i    never  
felt before so strongly how the         
individual    blessing to each soul is  
not a merely being present1    and      
recognizing1 and rejoicing in such times
 as these4    ,how the words of one that
 hath a heavenly spirit    and a        
pleasant voice may be heard in vain6    
#hth ,mo4 #bjth4 ,how can ,i describe   
these eventful    days8 ,one lesson may 
they teach me1 that ,god is    love1 and
 that whatever good thing ,i am blessed 
with    is not in me4 ,he has been so   
kind1 so gracious1 and    ,i so very    
perverse1 frequently so distrustful1 so 

easily    wounded2 but ,he1 as if ,he   
will not take offence1    again and     
again has pity on me4 ,how was ,i met   
and saluted with the words1 ,by ,myself 
have ,i    sworn1 as part of some       
promise6 ,then ,i felt and    rejoiced  
in ,his faithfulness to all in me and in
 all    the universe that is ,his4 ,by  
,himself1 then ,he will    never fail2  
and ,i hope ,i shall be preserved by    
,him4      #hth ,mo4 #bast4 ,i was so   
grievously stupid last    week1 so      
unable to realize any thing--feared when
    ,i should come to myself that it    
would be terrible2    but no1 it is not 
so3 ,i have love for all1 and ,i hope   
it will grow for all and take in all4   
,it is not that    one love swallows up 
another1 as one sorrow does3    yet ,i  
am very weak1 and need daily help4 ,oh  
that    it may not be withheld6    ,with
 this record her ,journal concludes2    
and1 in reflecting upon it as  a whole1 
the reader can scarcely fail to observe 
the evidence it gives  of progress in   

the ,divine life1 of growth1 as it were1
 from the  blade to the full corn in the
 ear1 now early ripened for the heavenly
  garner2 and perhaps in nothing is this
 progress more discernible than  in the 
manner in which through many            
fluctuations she was enabled  to look   
away from the suggestions of unresting  
self1 which were so  painful to her     
sensitive and conscientious spirit1 and 
to stay her  mind on her ,saviour1      
entering into that rest which the       
apostle says  is the portion of those   
who believe1--a rest which remaineth for
 the  people of ,god1 and which they    
only realize in its fulness who have    
accepted ,christ as all sufficient for  
every need of the soul1 not only  pardon
 of past sins1 but also of daily        
recurring transgressions1 and  whose    
trials and provings of spirit have led  
to the blessed result of  increased     
oneness with their heavenly ,father4    
#hth ,mo4 #bath4 ,to her sister ,f4,t4  
she writes1 the day before her          

marriage1--      ,i am still a wonder to
 myself1--so thankful for dear          
mother's cheerfulness1 and for the      
kindness and love of    all around4 ,i  
have taken leave of nearly all4 ,last   
evening we had a nice walk4 ,then for   
the first time ,i    felt as if the     
claims of past1 present1 and future were
    perfectly and peacefully adjusted1  
to my great comfort4    ,the walk to    
which this allusion refers is very fresh
 in the  remembrance of her sister and  
of her 7intended7 husband1 who          
accompanied her4 ,her manner was        
strikingly calm and affectionate2 and   
as they returned home1 after a pause in 
the conversation1 she said1  taking a   
hand of each1--      ,i have heard of   
some people when they are    dying      
feeling no struggle on going from one   
world to    the other2 and ,i was       
thinking that ,i felt the same          
between you4 ,i don't know how it may be
 at last4    ,strangely impressive were 
these words at the time2 and when we    

remember that she never saw that sister 
again after the morrow1 can we  doubt   
that this preparation was permitted to  
soften the bitterness  of the time1 so  
near at hand1 when this should have     
proved to be the  final parting on      
earth8    ,in looking back to this time1
 there is a sweet conviction of the     
peace  which was then granted her1 which
 did seem something like a foretaste  of
 the joys of the better home which was  
even then opening before her  and upon  
which her pure spirit had so loved to   
dwell4    ,she was married1 at          
,liskeard1 to ,william ,southall1 ,jr41 
on the #bhth  of #hth month1 #ahea4 ,she
 was anxious that the wedding-day should
 be  cheerful2 and her own countenance  
wore a sweet expression of quiet        
satisfaction and seriousness2 and the   
depth of feeling which prevailed  in the
 whole party during that day was        
afterwards remembered with              
satisfaction1 as being in harmony with  
what followed4    ,in a tenderly        

affectionate note1 written from         
,teignmouth the same  evening1 she says1
 ,i can look back without any other pang
 than the  necessary one of having      
stretched1 ,i must not say broken1 our  
family  bond2 and then she adds the     
sincere desire for herself and her      
husband1 ,oh that we may be more humble 
and watchful than ever before1  and that
 my daily care may be to remember those 
sweet lines which  helped me so this    
morning1--        ,when thou art nothing
 in thyself1      ,then thou art close  
to me4    ,a fortnight spent among the  
lakes of ,westmoreland and ,cumberland  
was  a time of much happiness4 ,it was  
her first introduction to mountain      
scenery2 and her letters to the home    
circle she had just left1 contain       
animated descriptions of the beauties   
around her4 ,a few extracts from  these1
 showing the healthy enjoyment she      
experienced1 and the cheerful  and      
comfortable state of her mind1          
particulars which acquire an  interest  

from the solemn circumstances so soon to
 follow1 may not be  unsuitably         
inserted3--      ,,bowness1 #ith ,month1
 #ast1 #ahea4      ,,my ,,dear ,l43--   
99 99 99 ,we had a lovely ride and      
ferrying over ,windermere    to         
,colthouse meeting on ,first-day4 99 99 
99    ,i am almost well1 and able to    
enter into these beauties4    ,will you 
be satisfied with seven sketches1 such  
as they    are1 for this day8      ,i   
thought1 as we passed ,doves' ,nest1 and
 read in the    guide-book ,f4 ,hemans's
 description of her dwelling    there   
for twelve months1 and how many sad     
hearts1    beside hers1 had come thither
 for a refuge from sorrow1    what cause
 we had to be thankful for 7so far7     
another    lot2 and yet1 dear ,l41 with 
all ,i see around me1 my    heart is    
very often with you1 and turns          
,from glassy lakes1 and mountains grand1
      ,and green reposeful isles1    ,to
 that one corner of the land            
,beyond the rest that smiles4           

,beyond the rest it smiles for me1      
,thither my thoughts will roam--    ,the
 home beloved of infancy1      ,my      
childhood's precious home6      ,and yet
 somehow it is not with a reproachful   
smile that    it looks on me1 nor with a
 regretful heart that ,i think    upon  
it4 ,it is delightful to think of dear  
father and    mother's coming to        
,birmingham so soon1 and of meeting     
,r4 this day fortnight4    ,to her      
,mother4      ,,grasmere1 #c;d of #ith  
,month1 #ahea4      ,,my ,,dear         
,,mother3--      ,we have had a lovely  
day1 and ,i scarcely    know where or   
how to begin the tale of beauty4 ,if    
there be any shadow of truth in the     
notion that a    thing of beauty is a   
joy forever1 we must have been    laying
 in a store of delight which may cheer  
many a    busy and many a lonely hour4  
,truly1 as we have gazed    upon the    
glorious mountains2 looked down from the
    summit of ,silver ,how1 on the green
 vale of ,grasmere1    and the far-off  

,windermere2 looked with almost awful   
feelings on the black shadowy rocks that
 encompass ,easdale    ,tarn1 7all that 
yesterday17 and to-day1 passed from     
waterfall to waterfall1 through the     
solemn and desolate    ,langdales1 under
 the twin mountain ,pikes1 throned      
among the hills1 dived into the awful   
recess of ,dungeon    ,ghyll1 where the 
rock1 with scarcely a crack to    part  
it1 stands high on each side of the     
foaming torrent1    which dashes        
perpendicularly down the gorge1 then out
    upon the sunny vale1 and home       
through the brotherhood    of mountains 
to our quiet dwelling of ,grasmere2     
surely    all this1 and much1 much more1
 has made the days very    precious for 
present enjoyment and for future        
recollections4    ,the moon is bright as
 ever ,i saw it1 and we have    lately  
returned from the smooth1 still         
,grasmere1 where    there was hardly    
ripple enough to multiply its image2    
and where we could have sat for hours1  

nourishing the    calm and solemn       
thoughts we had just brought from the   
quiet corner of the churchyard where we 
had sat by    ,wordsworth's grave4 ,it  
was growing dark1 but we    could just  
read on the plain slate head-stone the  
sole    inscription1 ,william           
,wordsworth4      99 99 99 ,but ,i      
cannot make you fully imagine these     
scenes1 so varied1 so picturesque4 ,how 
little pleasure ,i    had in            
anticipating this journey1 while those  
formidable    things lay between6 ,the  
thought of the mountains    seemed not  
worth a straw1 and now looking back to  
only    this day week is wonderful4     
,home still smiles upon    me like a    
lake that catches a sunbeam2 and        
sometimes    ,i feel truly thankful that
 the way that ,i knew not has    led me 
here4 99 99 99      ,the thought of     
seeing you is bright indeed4      ,thy  
loving daughter1      ,,eliza4    ,to   
her ,sister4      ,,lodore ,,inn1 #eth  
of #ith ,month1 #ahea4      ,,my        

,,beloved ,m43--      99 99 99 ,i am    
glad to say that we still have very fine
    weather4 ,at ,keswick we were       
planning how we could    see ,frederick 
,myers1 but that evening his widow was  
returning to the parsonage with her     
three fatherless    children1 and we    
could only look on the family vault in  
the lovely churchyard1 the school-room1 
library1 etc41    and think of his      
anticipations1 now no doubt so happily  
realized1 of the 'well done1' which it  
will be heaven to    hear4 ,a fine black
 storm hung over ,skiddaw and           
,saddleback1 and such a rainbow spanned 
it4 ,the western    sky was full of the 
sunset1 and the lake lay in lovely      
repose beneath4 ,of the clouds we really
 cannot say    more than that they are  
often very beautiful1 and sometimes     
dress up the mountains in grandeur not  
their own2    but ,i have seen none that
 might not be ,cornish clouds4      ,i  
am quite well4 99 99 99 ,for my sake be 
cheerful    and happy4      ,thy very   

loving sister1      ,e4,s4    ,to her   
,father4      ,,scale ,,hill ,,hotel1   
#hth of #ith ,month1 #ahea4      ,,my   
,,beloved ,,father3--      ,on          
,seventh-day1 after breakfast at        
,lodore1    we set off for a treat      
indeed--a canter up ,borrowdale4    ,the
 morning splendid4 ,keswick ,lake       
sparkling behind    us4 ,the crags of   
,borrowdale in the blue misty sunshine  
of morning overhung by not less         
beautiful shades4    ,we were quite glad
 to get to this sort of mountain        
scenery again1 which we had so enjoyed  
at ,grasmere1    and leave smooth1 bare1
 pyramidal ,skiddaw and its    ancient  
fellows behind4 ,we at last ascended the
    steep zigzag which begins ,sty ,head
 ,pass1 confirming    our resolution now
 and then by admiring the plodding      
industry of our mountain horses4 ,it was
 indeed pleasant    when the last gate  
was opened and we were safe    within   
the wall of rough stones which headed   
the steep    ascent1 and we could wind  

more at leisure beside the    foaming   
beck which runs out of ,sty ,head ,tarn4
    ,this desolate mountain lake was    
soon reached1 and the    noble dark     
,scawfell ,pikes--the highest mountain  
in    ,england1 7#caff feet7--were its  
majestic background4    ,but that we had
 been gradually inured to such scenes1  
this would indeed have been the most    
impressive we    have beheld4 ,on we    
rode till deep shady ,wastdale    opened
 below us1 and we found ourselves at the
 head    of the ,pass4      ,i have     
enjoyed this journey very much more than
 ,i    expected1 and the weather1 on the
 whole1 has been favorable4    ,i think 
of you all with double affection1       
which accept very warmly from      ,thy 
affectionate daughter1      ,e4,s4  ,to 
her ,sister4      ,,patterdale1 #aath of
 #ith ,month1 #ahea4      ,,my ,,beloved
 ,l43--      99 99 99 ,this delightful  
morning1 ,ulleswater1 which    we       
admired as much1 if not more than any   
lake which    we have seen1 was of the  

brightest blue1 and the valley    behind
 as rich in loveliness1 when we set off 
for ,helvellyn4    ,the top is just five
 miles from the ,inn4 ,at    last the   
pony was tied to a stake1 and we wound  
up the    ,swirrel ,edge4 ,the rocks are
 almost perpendicular1 and    strangely 
shivered1 and we looked down on the ,red
    ,tarn sparkling in the sun with1 as 
it were1 thousands    of stars4 ,at last
 we reached the top1 a bare smooth      
summit1 whence the wide misty landscape 
stretched all    around us4 ,six lakes  
should have been visible2 but we    were
 obliged to be content with the whole   
stretch of    ,ulleswater1 eight miles  
behind us1 ,bassenthwaite to the        
north1 and perhaps a bit of ,keswick2   
but ,i would not    have missed the     
scene for any reasonable consideration4 
,scott1 of course1 stood on the top of  
the hill looking    down on the ,tarn1  
with ,striding ,edge on his right4      
,alas6 no eagles are ever yelling on the
 mountain1    nor brown mountain heather

 is in sight--only common    mountain   
grass4    ,on the top of ,helvellyn she 
wrote the following lines in a          
sketch-book3--      ,how softly the     
winds of the mountains are saying1      
,no chamber of death is ,helvellyn's    
dark brow2    ,on the rough rocky edge  
are the fleecy flocks straying1         
,and ,red ,tarn gleams bright with a    
thousand stars now4      ,the huge      
nameless rook has no gloom in its       
shadow2      ,it catches the sun1 it has
 found it a name2    ,and the mountain  
grass covers like the turf of the meadow
      ,the arms of ,helvellyn and       
,catchedecan4      ,there is not on     
earth a dark city's enclosure1      ,or 
vast mountain waste1 where the traveller
 may roam1    ,that peace may not soothe
 with its balmy composure1      ,and    
love may not bless with the joy of a    
home6    ,to her sister4                
,,ulverston1 #aeth of #ith ,month1      
#ahea4      ,,my ,,beloved ,m43--       
,thy very welcome letter yesterday met  

me    soon1 after returning from        
,swarthmore1 where1 of course1    we had
 a very different assembly from yours4  
,it was very interesting1 having been at
 ,pardsey ,crags    last week1 where the
 thousands had listened to ,george      
,fox's preaching1 now to see ,swarthmore
 and remember    how things used to be  
when he left the north fresh    and     
green2 but ,g4 ,fox never saw the       
meeting-house4    ,it was built1 ,i     
believe1 after his death1 though the    
inscription    ,ex dono ,g4,f4 is over  
the porch4 ,his black-oak    chairs     
stand in the meeting-room1 and his two  
bed-posts    are at each side of the    
foot of the stairs4 ,swarthmore    ,hall
 is an ancient-looking1 high farm-house1
 with    stone window-frames1 as we have
 seen it drawn4 ,the    ,hall1 where the
 meetings used to be held1 looks very   
antique3 black-oak panels remain in     
parts4 ,judge    ,fell's study is just  
inside1 and his desk in the window1     
whence he could hear what passed1 though

 he never went    to the meetings4 ,the 
house is in sad repair4 ,it seems       
strange to lay aside our daily          
companions1 the map and    the          
guide-book1 and tarn our backs wholly on
 the mountain    land1 for the level and
 busy plains of ,england1 with    their 
daily round and common task4 ,but ,i    
know that    the bright and beautiful   
mountain-scenes will often come    again
 before the mental eye--long-vanished   
beauty    that refines and paints in    
brighter hues2 and ,i hope    the       
pleasure will long be gratefully        
remembered4    ,the new home was reached
 on the #afth1 from whence she writes1--
    ,to her sister4      ,,edgbaston1   
#bjth of #ith ,month1 #ahea4      ,,my  
,,beloved ,l43--      99 99 99 ,i do not
 like to end this eventful week         
without trying to send you a few lines4 
99 99 99 ,please    tell mother1 with my
 dear1 dear love1 how very acceptable   
her note was1 and how much ,i hope that 
her kind good    wishes may be realized1

 and how frequent a thought of          
pleasure it has been while we have been 
setting things    in order1 that before 
long ,i may enjoy to show our little    
territory to her and father1--to have   
her kind advice and    opinion about my 
little household4 99 99 99 ,i yet feel  
as strongly as ever a daughter's love to
 the home of my    childhood4 ,when ,i  
think of you1 ,i can fully share in     
the illusion thou spoke of1 fancying    
that before long ,i    shall be among   
you just as before4 99 99 99    ,to her 
sister1 ,p4 ,tregolles4                 
,,yew-,,tree ,,road1 #ith ,month1 #ahea4
      99 99 99 ,i could not have thought
 ,i should have felt    so easy amongst 
so many1 lately1 such strangers2 but    
every day ,i feel more strongly that on 
one nail fastened    in a sure place    
many things may hang easily2    and     
truly all treat us with such kindness1  
that ,i should    be ungrateful not to  
value highly my connection for its      
own sake1 whilst that on which it hangs 

grows firmer    too4 99 99 99    ,the   
remembrance of the cheerfulness with    
which ,eliza ,southall entered  into the
 duties and cares of her new position in
 her adopted home has  afforded cause   
for much gratitude on the part of those 
dear relatives  who welcomed her there4 
,newly made acquainted with some of     
them1  she won their love and esteem by 
her unaffected simplicity and the       
geniality of her sympathies2 but1 whilst
 she showed true conjugal  solicitude in
 her plans for domestic comfort and     
social enjoyment1 it  was evidently her 
first desire to have her heart and her  
treasure in  heaven4 ,it was designed in
 the ordering of ,divine providence that
 a  cloud should very soon overshadow   
the bright promises of her arrival2  and
 the following account of the illness   
which so speedily terminated  her life  
will1 it is hoped1 convey a correct     
impression of the  peacefulness of its  
close4 ,it is compiled from memoranda   
made very  soon after her decease1 but  

is of necessity imperfect2 the attention
  of those who contributed from memory  
portions of her conversation  being so  
much absorbed by their interest in the  
conflict between life  and death1 and by
 the overwhelming feelings of an hour of
 such moment  to some of them4 ,whilst  
it is hoped that nothing inserted may   
appear  to go beyond the simplicity of  
the truth1 it may be added that it      
seems impossible to convey in words a   
full and faithful idea of  the holy     
serenity of her last hours1 which showed
 that the work of  religion had not been
 in vain in her heart4    ,with the     
exception of a slight cold1 which soon  
left her1 she appeared  to be in her    
usual health and spirits4 ,but it was so
 for only two  weeks1 and on ,third-day1
 the #cjth of #ith ,month1 on returning 
from a  visit at ,woodfield1 she        
complained of not feeling well4 ,the    
next day  she was more poorly1 and      
medical advice was obtained4 ,the       
following  morning she suffered much    

pain1 but the remedies used soon        
relieved  her2 and1 though she was not  
able to leave her bed1 the symptoms did 
not continue such as to excite much     
uneasiness4 ,she enjoyed hearing        
another read1 and not unfrequently      
,isaac ,pennington's letters1 or  some  
other book1 was in her own hand1 and    
during occasional pain and  uneasiness  
she would request to have some chapter  
in the ,bible read1  or a hymn of       
comfort4 ,there was always an air of    
cheerfulness in her  chamber1 and the   
affectionate greeting with which each   
relative who  visited her was welcomed  
was very precious4 ,few words passed of 
a  religious nature1 or such as to      
induce the supposition that in four     
more days earth would be exchanged for  
heaven1 except one short remark  to her 
husband in the evening3 ,i have been    
thinking of the text1  ',then whose     
shall these things be which thou hast   
provided8' they may  not be mine much   
longer4 ,this was touching to his       

feelings1 but was  viewed as her wonted 
cautious manner of speaking of temporal 
things4  ,there was nothing further in  
her remarks which showed that she       
regarded her case as a critical one4    
,on ,sixth and ,seventh days she seemed 
decidedly better--entering into  the    
varied interests around her4 ,the       
evening of the latter day was           
particularly bright and cheering1 when  
she conversed cheerfully with  her      
husband and sister and spoke of her     
plans for the future4 ,she also         
listened with pleasure to some pieces of
 poetry which were read1 and  amongst   
them appeared to derive comfort from the
 hymn beginning1--      ,nearer1 my     
,god1 to ,thee--      ,nearer to ,thee6 
,e'en though it be a cross      ,that   
raiseth me2    ,still all my song would 
be1    ,nearer1 my ,god1 to ,thee--     
,nearer to ,thee6    ,early on          
,first-day morning she seemed rather    
depressed1 and requested  her sister to 
repeat the hymn1 ',tis a point ,i long  

to know1 ,olney  ,hymns4 ,in the course 
of the morning she wrote a touching note
 to her  beloved mother3 it was her last
 effort of the kind3--      #eth of     
#ajth ,month1 #ahea4      ,my beloved   
,mother3--      ,i have got permission  
to use a pencil in thanking thee    for 
thy kind sweet lines which this         
morning's post    brought me4 ,i am     
thankful for being so remembered    by  
my own precious mother now so far away4 
99 99 99      ,it is a new experience to
 me to lie here so long2 but1    now    
that ,i am much better1 and what pain ,i
 have is    transient and easy to be    
borne for the most part1 it is my    own
 fault if the days are profitless4 ,i   
quite hope1 by the    time father comes1
 to be able to enjoy his visit--and so  
,i could now2 but then it could only be 
in this chamber1    already become quite
 familiar4 99 99 99      ,we are so     
thankful to hear of thy amendment to    
this    hopeful stage6 ,i trust nothing 
will prevent thy being    able to leave 

home with father2 and then how soon we  
shall rejoice to see thee here6         
,thy ever loving1 and trying to be      
submissive1      ,,eliza4    ,her       
medical attendant still took an         
encouraging view of her case1 and  she  
was so nicely in the afternoon that her 
husband left her to go to  meeting4 ,the
 evening was passed pleasantly1 and the 
family retired to  rest as usual4 ,she  
continued very comfortable till about   
mid-night1  when a very sudden attack of
 violent pain came on1 which continued  
without intermission for about three    
hours4    ,very affecting1 during this  
time1 were her earnest cries for        
patience  and strength4 ,oh that ,i had 
been more faithful6 ,it is because ,i   
have  been so unfaithful6 ,she was      
reminded that these sufferings ought not
  to be regarded in the light of        
punishment1 but that whom the ,lord     
loveth he chasteneth4 ,some texts were  
read at her request4 ,they are  very    
nice1 she said1 but ,i cannot receive   

them all now4 ,truly this  was a time   
when all human help was felt to be      
unavailing1 and when  none but the      
,ruler of the waves ,himself could speak
 a calm2 and1 if we  may judge from the 
subsequent altered and tranquil         
expression of her  countenance1 her     
petitions were mercifully granted4 ,do  
not cry1 my  dear1 she said2 and then1  
,oh1 how kind to speak cheerfully6      
adding1  ,i hope this illness may be    
made a blessing to us all in time to    
come4 ,when the doctor1 who was hastily 
called1 arrived1 she said1 ,i  hope ,i  
shall be able to bear the pain3 ,i will 
try to bear it4 ,whilst  in much        
suffering1 she requested to have the    
forty-sixth ,psalm read1  which had     
always been a peculiar favorite with    
her4 ,on her mother  ,s4 entering the   
room1 she greeted her with the words1   
,dear mother6  saying1 ,what a comfort  
it is to have some one to call mother6  
,the remedies resorted to1 afforded     
temporary relief2 and great was  her    

thankfulness for the alleviation from   
what she described as                   
anguish--anguish--anguish6 ,but her     
strength was greatly prostrated1  and   
for some hours she dozed--being only    
occasionally conscious4  ,about nine or 
ten o'clock on the morning of           
,second-day1 the pale and  exhausted    
expression of her countenance convinced 
us that the time  for letting go our    
hold of this very precious treasure was 
not far  distant4 ,overwhelming as was  
this feeling1 the belief that she  was  
unconscious of her state added to our   
anxiety4 ,we longed to be  permitted an 
evidence from her own lips that she felt
 accepted through  ,christ her ,saviour2
 though her humble walk with ,god       
through life would  have assured us1 had
 there been no such expression4 ,our    
desires were1  however1 mercifully      
granted1 to our humbling admiration of  
that grace  which had made her what she 
was4    ,about noon she roused a little1
 and1 one of the medical men having     

stated that a few hours would probably  
produce a great change for  better or   
for worse1 her beloved husband concluded
 it best to inform  her that she was not
 likely to continue long amongst us4    
,she replied1  with striking            
earnestness1 ,what6 will it be heaven8  
,he asked if she  could feel comfortable
 in the prospect1 and she replied1 ,i   
must wait  a while4 ,a few minutes of   
solemn silence followed1 in which it is 
impossible to convey in words the       
earnest prayerful expression of her     
countenance and uplifted eyes1 when it  
seemed as if1 regardless of any  thing  
around her1 she held immediate communion
 with her ,god4 ,she then  said1 ,i feel
 a hope1 but not assurance4 ,her husband
 said1 ,trust in  thy ,saviour1 my dear4
 ,yes1 she replied4    ,soon after this1
 being asked if she would like her      
medical attendants  to come into the    
room1 she answered1 ,oh1 any one who    
wishes4 ,i could  speak to the queen4   
,after acknowledging their kindness to  

her1 she  addressed them in an earnest  
manner on the importance of devoting all
  their talents to the glory of ,god1 so
 that their chief aim in their          
profession might be to serve ,him4 ,she 
alluded to the insufficiency of  human  
skill and the emptiness of earthly      
attainments at such a time as  this2    
adding1 ,but above all things serve the 
,lord4 ,they were deeply  impressed with
 her great calmness and resignation4    
,she spoke to those around her in a     
striking manner on the unsatisfying     
nature of all things here4 ,oh1 they are
 nothing--less than nothing  and        
vanity--nothing to me now2 earnestly    
encouraging all to prepare  for         
heaven--to serve the ,lord2 quoting very
 fervently and beautifully  our         
,saviour's words1 ',i ascend unto my    
,father and your ,father1 unto  my ,god 
and your ,god4' 99 99 ,upwards6 upwards6
 upwards6--,i hope we may  all meet in  
glory4    ,a short time afterwards1     
appearing a little discouraged1 she     

asked1  ,do you feel assured for me8 can
 you trust for me8 ,and on being told   
that we felt no doubt1 her diffident    
mind seemed comforted2 but1 she  added1 
,i want assurance3 ,i hope2 but ,i don't
 feel sure--,i do hope  in ,christ4 ,the
 text was repeated1 ',lord1 ,i believe3 
help thou mine  unbelief4' ,she was     
reminded that ,he died for all4 ,she    
rejoined1 ,then  for me2 but ,i have    
nothing of my own--not a thing to trust 
in1 only in  the mercy of ,god4 ,i don't
 feel any burden of sin--only of        
neglect4 ,i  hope it is not a false     
peace4 ,do you think it is8 ,her aunt   
repeated1  ',though ,i walk through the 
valley of the shadow of death1 ,i will  
fear  no evil4' ,oh1 precious6 she      
exclaimed3 though ,he hideth ,his face1 
yet will ,i trust in the ,lord2 ,i will 
trust in the ,lord1 for ,he is          
faithful--faithful--faithful6 ,i have a 
humble trust1 but no rapture4  ,but ,i  
don't feel sure that ,i shall die now2  
,i cannot see how it may  be4 ,again and

 again were her eyes turned to heaven in
 earnest prayer1  ,if ,i die1 oh1       
receive me to ,thyself4    ,throughout  
her illness a holy feeling of serenity  
and love pervaded  the sick-chamber3 she
 affectionately acknowledged every      
little  attention1 and frequently       
expressed a fear of giving trouble1     
saying1  one night1 ,what won't any one 
do for love8    ,no expression of regret
 escaped her lips at leaving her earthly
  prospects4 ,her possessions in this   
world were loosely held1 and  therefore 
easily relinquished for those enduring  
treasures which had  long had the       
highest place in her heart4    ,her     
heart overflowed with love to all around
 her1 saying1 ,all is  love2 and many   
were the messages she sent to her absent
 relatives and  friends4 ,give my dear  
love to father and mother3 tell them how
 glad  ,i should have been to have seen 
them2 but how glad ,i am mother was not 
here6 ,i know she could not have borne  
it4 ,tell them how thankful ,i  am they 

brought me up for heaven4 ,tell them1   
not raptures1 but peace4  ,tell them not
 to grieve1 not to grieve1 not to       
grieve6 ,tell them how  happy ,i have   
been here2 that ,i wanted for nothing4  
,to her sisters1  ,all love--nothing but
 love2 adding that she might have had   
much more  to say1 had she been able1   
but ,i must not2 ,i must be quiet4      
,as the different members of her        
husband's family surrounded her bed1    
she addressed each with a few           
appropriate words4 ,taking her mother   
,s4's hand1 she said1 ,thou hast been a 
kind mother to me3 ,i can never  repay  
thee4 99 99 99 ,to her father ,s41 who  
was absent1 she sent her  love4 ,he1    
however1 returned in time to see her4   
,from his having left  her so much      
better on ,seventh-day1 she feared he   
might be alarmed  at the change1        
anxiously inquiring whether he was aware
 of it1 and  affectionately greeted him 
when he came1 saying1 ,i am so glad to  
see thee6 ,to one she said1 ,dear ----1 

seek the ,lord2 seek ,him and  serve    
,him with a perfect heart4        ',why 
should we fear youth's draught of       
joy4'#c    ,tell her that verse from me4
 99 99 99  ,she inquired for ,j4,h42    
and1 on  his coming into the room1 being
 rather overcome with her exertions1    
she said1 ,i am too weak to speak now2  
but1 waving her hand1 she  pointed her  
finger towards heaven with an almost    
angelic smile4    ,after a short pause1 
she renewed her leave-taking1 adding1 at
 its  close1 ,farewell--my best         
farewell6 now ,i have nothing more to   
say4  ,farewell6 ,and a little after1   
turning to her sister1 ,now1 my dear    
,r41 there seems nothing to say--nothing
 but love--all love6    ,she then asked 
for a few minutes alone with her dear   
husband1 and took  a calm and tender    
leave of him also4    ,difficulty of    
breathing now became very trying to her2
 but again  and again she tried to cheer
 us by the assurance that she had no    
pain--only oppression3 don't think it   

pain4 ,the lines being repeated         
,though painful at present1      ',twill
 cease before long2    ,and then1 oh1   
how pleasant      ,the conqueror's song6
    she responded with a sweet smile1   
and exclaimed1 ,oh1 glorious6 ,she      
dwelt with comfort on the text1 ,whom   
the ,lord loveth ,he chasteneth1  and   
once1 commencing to repeat it herself1  
asked her sister to finish  it4    ,no  
cloud now appeared to remain before her4
 ,i don't see any thing in  the way1 she
 said4 ,her sister reminded her that the
 everlasting arms  were underneath and  
above her1 waiting to receive her4 ,dear
 ,r41 she  replied1 she can trust for   
me4 99 99 ,she spoke at intervals until 
a  few minutes before her departure1 but
 not always intelligibly4 ,on her  dear 
husband's asking her if she felt        
peaceful1 she assented with  a beaming  
smile1 and soon after1 resting in his   
arms1 she ceased to  breathe4    ,she   
died on ,second-day evening1 the #fth of
 #ajth month1 #ahea4 ,thus1 at  the age 

of about twenty-eight years1 and within 
six weeks after  the happy consummation 
of a marriage union which promised much 
true  enjoyment1 was this precious plant
 suddenly removed1 to bloom forever1  as
 we humbly trust1 through redeeming love
 and mercy1 in a celestial  paradise4   
,the funeral took place at ,friends'    
burial-ground at  ,birmingham1 on the   
following ,first-day2 being only three  
weeks from  the time she had first      
attended that ,meeting as a bride4 ,it  
was  a deeply solemn time2 but1 amidst  
their grief1 the hearts of many         
responded to the words expressed at the 
grave-side3 ,now1 unto ,him who  hath   
loved her1 and washed her from her sins 
in ,his own blood1 unto  ,him be glory  
and dominion1 for ever and ever1 ,amen4 
,footnote #c3    ,why should we fear    
youth's draught of joy1      ,if pure1  
would sparkle less8    ,why should the  
cup the sooner cloy      ,which ,god    
hath deign'd to bless8      ,,the ,,end4